Solo: Finding Your Identity, Core Beliefs, Keeping Your Own Promises, Self Validation, Success & Adult Hobbies
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Harris to 500-500. The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi guys, it's Mari and you're listening to The Pursuit of Wellness.

What's up? It's Mari. I'm back today with another solo episode. I haven't done one of these in a while and I wanted to dive into another topic I'm interested in and I think you guys will be interested in too. I've decided this community is called the POW Club, as in Pursuit of Wellness Club. I hope you guys like the name. Let me know what you think.

I will be referring to you guys as that from now on. Okay, in my first solo episode, I gave you guys an overview of my story. So if you don't know me or my backstory, I highly recommend going back and listening to that first solo episode because it will explain a lot of what I am talking about in today's episode. So make sure you go back and listen if you want to hear my history because today I want to talk about identity.

I want to open the dialogue around identity and share my journey and a few tips I've discovered along the way because I do think it's a topic that we don't talk about enough. And in itself, borderline personality disorder does come with identity disturbance, which I will hop into what that means.

So I did do a bit of sciencey research for this episode because I do find things like this very interesting. I'm definitely not a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist or anything like that, but I have experienced years of mental health struggles, specifically borderline personality disorder, and I think identity is a very interesting topic. So firstly, I'd like to talk about my struggles with identity.

At the core, the definition of identity is your beliefs and attitudes, your perception of your abilities, your ways of behaving, your personality and temperament, your opinions and the social roles you play. So when I think of myself and I look back on my childhood and when I was supposed to be forming my identity, I feel like there are major gaps and holes in my life as to

my identity. I couldn't really tell you who I was back then. And I think that's for a few reasons that I will get into.

I was very much a kid that went through phases. I think a lot of us go through phases, but mine were pretty extreme. I became whatever was in front of me or whoever was in front of me in that moment, whether it was a character in a book that I loved or a friend that I had. I would always latch onto exterior identities because I wasn't sure of my own. So for example...

a little bit of an embarrassing one i was obsessed with twilight i know a lot of us were but i literally thought that i was bella from twilight i got the bed sheets i got the clothes i even stopped going in the sun so i could become more pale very interesting time in my life it was my obsession and i think a lot of kids could relate but mine was to an extreme where i would take on the personality traits of the person and at the time i didn't know i had borderline so i think i just thought

I don't know. I think I thought that I was going through phases. My family would tease me about the phases I was going through, but I think I was really looking for a sense of identity that I didn't have. And since then, I feel like I've struggled with identity. And honestly, I've just now recently begun to understand who I am. And I'll talk about the ways that I kind of

found that out. I was someone who identified as whatever season I was in at that stage of life. There was no gray area for me and no fluidity between my identities. I was either a Twilight girl or I was a drunk party girl. I couldn't be both at the same time. I didn't have any concept of

being multifaceted, if that makes sense, which is interesting because I do consider myself now a pretty multifaceted person. But back then, I really couldn't understand the possibility of being into two different things. I thought it was all or nothing, which is a very borderline trait to have. But I think a lot of people could relate to that as well.

I had this sense of feeling like a chameleon. I always had this sense of feeling like a chameleon and feeling like I needed to match whoever I was with in order to be liked. I think because I had this missing core identity, I wanted to be liked and fit in with whoever I was around. And...

That's an interesting position to be in as a kid because I think it really knocks your self-confidence if you never allow yourself to be who you really are and get recognition for that. And you end up being put in positions where you're not really enjoying what you're doing or who you're with because ultimately you're just pretending to be someone you're not. Having that lack of security has really impacted me over the years and I think it's something that should be talked about more.

So I did go ahead and look up the symptoms of identity disturbance if you were interested or if you think this might apply to you. Symptoms could be shifting goals, sudden changes in opinion, frequent career shifts, fluctuating sexuality, and regularly adopting new friend groups. I definitely went through phases of this throughout my life.

I think right now I'm in a place where I'm really tapping into who I actually am at the core, but I've gone through phases of quitting jobs on a whim, suddenly deciding I needed new friends, finding a new hobby or passion and becoming that. I've definitely experienced very impulsive, sudden changes throughout my life. And I think a lot of that was me just figuring out

who I was and just trying to make sense of my identity. Even losing myself in relationships and then suddenly deciding I didn't like the person anymore. Having a very black and white way of thinking defined a lot of my younger years, I would say. So let's talk about the cause of identity disturbance. I'll talk about my personal situation a little bit and maybe this will help you guys if you do feel like you struggle with identity disturbance.

As I said before, surprisingly little research around this, even though it is very common for people that have BPD. So Marsha Linehan, who is the founder of dialectical behavioral therapy, which I'm a huge fan of for BPD, believes you develop an identity by observing your own emotions, thoughts, and feelings in addition to others' reactions to you.

This is super interesting because a lot of people with BPD come from a chaotic and unstable household. So as a child, if you base your identity on the reactions of others and those reactions are unpredictable and scary, you have no framework to developing a stable identity.

I could relate to this so, so much. I think a lot of my childhood, I was moving constantly. So I had chaos around me all the time. There was a lot of arguing in my household, a lot of disturbance. And on top of that,

I had parents who maybe weren't giving me the best reactions when I would ask for help or go and talk to them. They were stressed out about their own lives. And I'd like to say, first of all, my parents did their best. And I'm fully aware of that. I think I'm not a parent yet, but I'm sure when I become one, I will understand how challenging it could be. And I think they did the best they could in the situation we were in.

However, you know, I definitely have my truth. The way I grew up has really shaped who I am. And I think it's important that I share this because I think it could help other people. But I think growing up in that chaotic household, I didn't have calm, stable reactions to who I was as a person. And I don't think I ever got the opportunity to understand who I was. I think I was

almost made fun of in my house for things I wasn't good at. For example, I really struggled with numbers. Anything with numbers, like telling the time, math, whatever it was, really didn't make sense to me.

But I was really good at English and really good at language and really good at art. And I felt like in some ways we were more focused on the things I was bad at than the things I was good at. And I wasn't really given the opportunity to tap into those talents and those good skills that I had because we were so focused on the bad things. And I don't think I ever developed a sense of confidence because I felt like I was bad at everything, if that makes sense. When you're a child, you tend to blame everything on yourself, right?

And that's definitely what I did. And I feel like I didn't know who I was because it wasn't reflected to me in my house. Also, I think the fact that I was sensitive from a young age became a big part of my personality in my eyes because it was brought up to me constantly by my household. I think it's really interesting how much the way we're parented and the way our family dynamic is can shape us.

identity. And me and my therapist talk about this a lot, but individuals who come from a stable household with, you know, encouragement of their skills and their good characteristics are

come out with a stronger sense of identity. And I feel like I can tell when I meet someone and they have that strong sense of identity. My therapist calls it an emotional privilege or a trauma privilege, I guess. I can't think of the exact phrase she used, but people who are raised in a household where their identity is celebrated and they have that self-confidence, I always felt really

really jealous of that, I think, growing up. And I could tell when people were really sure of who they were. I think for a lot of my life, I kind of felt like a shell of a person. And a lot of people with borderline will explain this feeling of emptiness that they have. And this will result in a lot of interpersonal relationship issues, because if you don't know who you are,

How can you be in a relationship with someone else and appreciate who they are? It creates, you know, a really interesting lifestyle and I think a huge issue with self-esteem because it's very difficult to have any self-respect or self-worth if you don't know what your identity is. And I think that this was the root cause of a lot of my issues throughout the years. And I will go into how I began to fix that feeling of emptiness. So...

How I began to develop my identity. Identity is so important because I think it serves as an anchor when the world around you is changing. If you don't have a strong sense of self, everything feels chaotic. And I think in my household, everything was chaotic. Plus we were moving all the time. Plus life is just chaos. So I think having a strong sense of identity for anyone is so important. And I think it's important to have a strong sense of self.

And having a strong identity allows you to develop a sense of self-esteem. I think having that identity gives you confidence walking into any situation, knowing your strengths, knowing your weaknesses and owning it and being okay with who you are.

brings so much confidence. And I feel like now that I have that, I understand what that feels like. But in the past, I had no idea. I think I was insecure walking into any situation. High school, college, I felt like I was just afraid all the time. College, I found ways of masking that with alcohol and partying. But in middle school and high school, I was very much... I would barely speak and avoid situations where...

I was focused on. I was embarrassed of my voice. I was embarrassed of the way I looked. I was embarrassed of my clothes. I was embarrassed of my lunch. And it makes me really sad to think about, which is why I think this topic is so important. And to be honest, I feel like I only recently began to develop a strong sense of my identity, maybe in the past couple of years. And I think the journey is long. I think to say that

Finding your identity is just a couple months process is silly. I think finding identity can take a long time and a lot of work. And I'm still on the journey of finding out who I am. But it has been one of the most interesting parts, I think, of my personal development. I think my fitness journey was the first step.

It was the first time that I think I really took accountability for my own life. And I know that sounds crazy because I was in college living by myself. I really didn't use my parents for that much, but I was still relying on them financially, firstly. And

I wasn't really living a life that required a lot of accountability. I was showing up at class, but barely making it by. I wasn't really taking care of my body. I didn't have the self-worth that I needed because I was lacking that identity. And I think going on that fitness journey independently

Although I had Greg's help, I was living on my own pretty much, cooking my own food, going to my own gym. I got my own job, finished my degree on my own. It was my first time saying, you are the only person who can get yourself out of this situation. And I really committed myself to this goal of self-betterment. And I think it was the first step to finding out who I was.

I began showing up for myself and keeping my own promises. And you would be shocked at how much you learn about yourself when you do something really hard like that. I think putting myself through something that was so challenging revealed parts of myself that I didn't even know were there.

the discipline and work ethic that I consider a part of who I am now, I think they were always there. I think there's parts of my personality that were always there. I just didn't tap into them because I wasn't in an environment where that was celebrated. I wasn't encouraged and I didn't know who I was. I wasn't taking the accountability that I needed to tap into those parts of my personality.

And I think I went for years not knowing who I was because I was okay with, you know what I think it was, to be honest? I think I was avoiding pain. I think it was too difficult to look at the empty hole that I had. So I filled it with drinking, partying, friends, boys, whatever it was, because it felt better than looking at myself and being honest with myself. I think that was what changed the game for me in my fitness journey.

It was my first time looking at myself, not in the mirror, but like looking at me as a person and saying, you need to do something about this. You don't know who you are. You're fucking your life up. Sorry for cursing, but I was. And you have more potential in this. I knew that I had more to give than I was giving. I wasn't giving anything. I didn't have any self-value. It was for me. It wasn't for anyone else. I said, you need to turn this around for you.

And I think looking at myself in the eye and being honest was the first step to finding my identity. Okay.

Okay, you guys know by now I am obsessed with optimal living. Anything I can do to feel more energized, more healthy, and live a better life, I am down for. And about two years ago, I became way more interested in optimizing my sleep routine. And that's where I found the Hatch Alarm Clock.

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I like to take mine in the morning before I eat anything just to get my digestion optimized and get my body ready for the day. However, you can really take greens anytime. You can take them before you go out for dinner. You can take them when you're hungover. You can take them with your lunch. Anytime that fits in your day works. I would just say to make sure that you're taking them consistently every single day. That's really when you're going to get the best benefits. Green

Greens are the easiest way to make sure you're getting in all of your essential nutrients. They're full of organic fruits and vegetables, probiotics, superfoods, adaptogens, and more. I am an extremely ingredient conscious person. So when I created this formula, I knew I wanted all of these amazing ingredients in there.

From the beginning, Greg and I really wanted to help women bloom into the best version of themselves. And that's really what the Bloom community has become all about. We started this brand out of my dad's attic. Now we're available at Target and Walmart nationwide. We have a store locator on our website if you want to check it out.

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to answer our weekly questions and for a chance to be featured on the show. See you there. In addition, I think my fitness journey also taught me to have self-validation. For years, I looked at other people for self-validation, whether it was my parents or people at college or Greg.

I looked around and waited for people to tell me I was doing a good job or that I looked good or that I was worth being there. And it was my first time hyping myself up because when you're alone on a fitness journey and you're in the gym every day and you're cooking your own meals and no one's watching, you need to learn how to make yourself keep going. You need to learn to clap for yourself is what I always say because no one's going to do it for you.

no one is going to be as invested in your journey as you. And I think this is such a valuable lesson in identity because if you can't get yourself up every day and celebrate yourself, then who are you doing it for at the end of the day? I remember during this stage, I was going to Planet Fitness every day, sometimes twice a day because I was so committed to this journey. And I had been there for maybe a year or

And I decided to join a new gym. And on my last day at Planet Fitness, the front desk guy said, oh, did you lose weight? You've been here kind of a lot. I was like, yes. So I've lost about 70 pounds. Thank you for noticing. I haven't been here every single day. And that in itself just showed me no one cares. You have to care for you. That's all that matters. You're with yourself for the rest of your life. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one that you will ever have.

So around this time is when I started my social media page and connecting with women who were on a similar journey to me. And I think finding a purpose in helping others who are in the same position that I once was helped me even further develop my identity. Okay, I like...

what I'm doing here. I like helping people better themselves. I'm obsessed with personal development. I've been doing it for over a year now. It's all I care about. Let me reach out to other people and show them that there is a way to dig yourself out of this hole. And hearing other people's stories and meeting people in person brought me so much fulfillment and again, further solidified my identity.

I think identity, as I said, is a long journey and takes a lot of work and digging deep and finding out, you know, what does bring you pain? What are some things that you need to work on that you might not be good at? And I think looking at yourself face to face is so important.

When I look back at this time, although I was beginning to make progress with my identity, I still see places that needed improvement. I was still relying on Greg too much for validation. I think I was beginning to understand that I was hyping myself up

and looking to myself for validation, but still too much on Greg. And from a BPD perspective, I think I was looking for someone to tell me I was doing a good job. I think that has at the core of my whole life been an issue for me.

I always need to be told that I'm doing well instead of just telling myself I'm doing well. So I would wait for him to come back every weekend and say, how do I, how did I do? Did you see this workout? Like, look at this. And if he didn't give me the exact reaction I wanted, I would be upset. And I've come such a long way since then. In fact, like a lot of my day, I don't show him or tell him about. I obviously still love to share with him, but I think

It's just not as crucial to me anymore because I don't think that's a healthy relationship to have. It puts too much pressure on the other person, first of all, and you need to leave that room to validate yourself first.

So although I was beginning to discover who I was outside of my chaotic household at this time and fill in gaps of my identity, I think my fitness journey and social media and our businesses became my new identity crutch. So it was my first time feeling like, okay, I found this thing that's my thing.

I accomplished this crazy goal that I had. Now I have these businesses in this community. This is who I am. And it gave me a sense of security. But it was all I was at the time. I felt like, okay, I'm an influencer. I work out and I own businesses. And unless I'm working on those things, I'm not a whole person. And that was an issue as well.

I really identified myself only as that. And as I was talking about before, now I consider myself someone who's becoming more multifaceted. But I really was so reliant on these things. And what's dangerous about that is social media could disappear tomorrow. I could get injured tomorrow. We could lose our business tomorrow. Anything can happen. And what then? If I only define myself as those things, then who am I?

And I was also definitely using social media for validation. I think all of a sudden having all of that attention and followers growing like crazy back then, I was gaining like 100,000 in a month. It was out of control. And I think subconsciously, it was telling me that I was doing a good job or that I looked good or that I was successful. And I stopped tapping into that feeling of

self-validation because all of a sudden I had all these people telling me that I was doing a great job and that I was amazing. I think in that way, social media is dangerous because I think it isn't real because at the end of the day, I was still going home by myself. I was still alone in bed at the end of the day. I didn't have people constantly in my ear telling me I was amazing and it's not real, you

You know, it's not real validation. It doesn't quite sink in like it does when you tell yourself you did a good job. So I think for a while, even when I started with my new therapist and she said, how do you describe yourself? Like, who are you? I really struggled to answer that question without saying I'm an influencer, I'm a business owner and I work out.

That was really all I could say. She said, okay, but what are your core values? What are your beliefs? And I couldn't quite tell her because I didn't know. And I think at this stage, maybe a year or two ago, I said, okay, I need to figure out who I am beyond that. I think the breaking point for me was becoming successful quickly. And I don't think I've talked about this on my platforms before because I don't want it to sound...

pretentious or that I'm bragging. I think it's just been a really interesting struggle for me. And I do want to talk about it because I think for a long time, Greg and I were working our asses off on Bloom and Slay and this whole business. I mean, it consumed our whole lives. And I knew we were working towards something, but I didn't quite know what.

And obviously, Bloom has grown more than we could have ever expected. We just had our Black Friday sale. And to see the progress, I mean, in our three-day Black Friday sale, we did double what we did the entire month of November last year. So the growth has really been exponential in kind of a short period of time. We launched Bloom in January 2019. And I'm 28 years old. And I don't think I ever expected to be as financially successful as I am right now.

My family isn't particularly money oriented or business oriented. And I don't think I understood money or what success meant until recently. And I still don't think I know what it means. But getting here and realizing that I don't know what I want or why I worked my ass off for so many years, like what is my ultimate goal was kind of the realization I had recently and what got me so interested in

furthering my journey with identity because I think for a while I thought I wanted all the things that other successful people want in quotations like the fancy car, the big house, nice trips. But I've gotten to that place and I've experienced those things and suddenly I realized that they weren't bringing me joy. And it's interesting because I've heard a lot of other successful people, people who are much more successful than me say,

that they never bring you joy. And in fact, the more things you accumulate, the less that they bring you any joy at all. Maybe it brings you joy for a day, but it doesn't actually mean anything. And that has been a really interesting realization for me and kind of

has brought about this obsession with finding out who I am at the core. And I think in realizing that, I actually brought myself closer to who I really am. Because realizing that the fancy things weren't bringing me joy got me closer to the things that do actually bring me joy. And that's not to say I don't enjoy financial freedom.

I love the fact that I can fly my family out for Thanksgiving and help them get the stove that they always wanted. And ultimately, I would love to help them in other ways as well and be generous with my friends and take people on trips. Those elements have been really enjoyable. And I love that side of it.

Things that I have discovered recently that I enjoy. And this is an interesting topic. I think adult hobbies is a whole other episode. I'm obsessed with this topic. But as I was saying, for a long time, I defined myself as someone who only worked. And I know that sounds crazy.

But I found this personality trait of mine, my discipline and work ethic. And I said, okay, that's who I am. And that's all I do. So for years, all I did was work out and work essentially. And I forgot how to have fun. And I know that sounds crazy.

But I recently realized that it's okay to have fun. And in fact, it's essential to have fun and to leave room for creativity. It's a huge part of finding out who you are. So some things I've discovered that I love recently are horseback riding. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this on the podcast lately, but horseback riding is my new obsession. I've been going twice a week, sometimes three times a week.

I have a horse. I've leased her, actually. She's not mine yet, but her name is Cosette, and she's gorgeous. She's a Hanoverian. She's huge. And I've been learning how to horse ride again. It's something I did in my childhood, and as part of my inner child work, I decided to get back into it. Every time Greg and I would go on a trip, we'd go horseback riding, and I loved it. When I tell you I could sit on a horse all day, I really could. And it's been so fun

to do something that has nothing to do with my career, nothing to do with my body or how I look.

It's just fun and it's grounding for me and it's around animals. I absolutely love animals. I always have. So allowing myself to do something like that that's just for me has been really therapeutic. Pilates, although that is a workout, it kind of deviated outside of who I felt like I was. I thought I was a weightlifter for the rest of my life. But trying something new and that wasn't so intense, right?

was really, really fun for me. And just breaking that routine, I felt so safe in my routine. But at the same time, I was so trapped because I felt like if I did anything different, I was deviating from the plan. And I think I was so reliant on the routine because it made up who I was. And now I'm trying new things and finding out who I really am. Time with friends. I've definitely been emphasizing socializing recently. I think

Socializing can also really help you figure out who you are. You see who you gravitate towards, who you don't, what kind of role you play in that environment. What is your sense of humor like? That has been really fun for me. So I'm definitely making more time for friends. And cooking has been a new thing I'm really into. When I became gluten-free, dairy-free, I started discovering new recipes and trying new ways of making things taste delicious but healthy at the same time. And that really opened up the door for me.

And also, of course, DBT therapy. I recommend that to anyone who has issues regulating their emotions at all. My therapist has really encouraged me to tap into these sides of myself that I didn't know I had. And she's given me a lot of tools that have helped me realize who I am. And she's also made me, in a way, she kind of gave me permission to have fun. I think

I was struggling with that concept on my own and she really pushed me and encouraged me to do something that was new and outside of my routine. I think being still...

is so important. I think we're constantly on our phones, laptops, around people. We don't give ourselves the room to have the thoughts that we need to have or explore areas of our mind that we haven't yet. I think meditation and being still allows us to have the thoughts that bring us back to who we really are. Time alone, which is so funny, it's on this list because years ago, it was my worst fear ever.

And it was the thing that I avoided at all costs. It was why I would party until any hour of the day because I wanted to be around people constantly. It's actually the reason I got my dog Lulu because I couldn't bear to be alone at any point. I found that doing activities alone and giving myself that alone time has allowed me to realize like, okay, what do I actually want to do? Not who does the person I'm with want to do?

creative and fun time as we talked about and moving towards things that bring me genuine joy. I think recognizing when something just makes you smile and makes you feel good, do more of that. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. And I think for a while I felt like, oh yeah, animals make me happy, but like that, that doesn't sound like a real thing. That doesn't sound like a real hobby or activity. I don't have time for that.

You have to make time for things like that. I think it has to be a priority. So one of the tools my therapist gave me, I actually have in front of me, and I'm going to see if I can share this list on my social media, but it's a core values list. And this is to discover your personal values. There are more than 100 personal and work values on here, and it wants you to tick your top 25 or check off your top 25 values.

So I went through this list and I'm actually going to have Greg do the same because I would be interested to see his. Greg is my husband for those listening. Some that I checked off that helped me realize my core values. Change, connection, creativity, delight of being or joy, focus, good health, growth, hard work, improvement, inner peace, purpose, structure, success, and timeliness.

And I tried to be really honest with myself as I was checking this off, because obviously it's tempting to like check things off that you think you care about, but you really don't. So really be honest with yourself when you do this. And I think if you just Google core values checklist, you'll find it. But I think this is a really interesting tool in finding out your core values. With all of that said, I...

find that identity is still a work in progress for me. I'm getting there, but it's definitely still a struggle staying true to who I am around triggering environments, maybe around family members that make me feel like my old self or bring up my old self constantly. Not that my old self is separate than who I am now, but I'm definitely way more honed into who I really am and

getting more and more okay with being hurt. And I hope that some of these tips will help you guys as well.

So in conclusion, I really hope that this was somewhat helpful if you do have BPD or if you don't and have just struggled with identity in general. I think it's a topic that's really important to talk about, especially in our 20s when we're still learning so much about who we are. I'd love to know what you guys thought of this episode and what you'd like me to discuss next. So go on my latest Instagram post. I'll pick a topic and send the greens to a person who submitted the idea I choose and

Thank you guys so much for listening. I'm so excited about diving into these topics that I'm so interested about. I would love to get a guest on here who can actually speak more to the identity issue because I think it's so interesting. So thank you for listening, guys. Make sure you leave a review if you enjoyed the episode and I'll talk to you next week. Bye. Bye.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. Go comment on my last Instagram at Mari Llewellyn with the guest you want to see next. I'll be picking one person from the comments to send our bloom greens to. Make sure you hit follow so you never miss my weekly episodes. If you enjoyed the conversation, be sure to share and leave a review. See you next week.

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.