housetraining your husband & weaponised incompetence
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It's time to get fucking angry. It's time to get worked up. Obviously in a safe space, any man friend I've ever had, any friend in general who's living with a partner, a man partner, has a lot to say about it. It's just a fucking nightmare. It's like living with another baby for some reason. Now, obviously there's exceptions to this rule, but it's very, very common. It was really difficult to find clear, concise information. Now, obviously I use Google Scholar, but there wasn't, there was a few questions that are still unanswered for me. So number one was,

Is this a learned characteristic trait? Is this because of how the men were brought up that they don't feel any sort of responsibility? Maybe it's how they saw their parents behave. Maybe it's the expectations of their gender. Or is it innate? So do they actually not care about cleanliness? Do they actually not care if there's like the environment is in a tidy home? Is there a difference between the two genders and what we consider

how we quantify a nice livable environment. I did come across one study that tested men and women and they were asked to judge a picture of a messy home. First they were testing if men just have a different level of cleanliness compared to women. And so they got people to judge this picture of an untidy or unclean home. Now in the study they didn't show it, so I don't know what it looked like. It actually turned out that the men and women did judge it very, very similarly. Then they were asked to judge the picture

and given the context of the gender of the person who owned the home and they were asked to judge the person basically the conclusion that they came to is that women are judged much much more harshly than men are when it comes to tidiness or uncleanliness so obviously that is a learned expectation or pressure that we have that men don't really have we're more conscious of the fact of like

how other people will perceive us if we have an untidy or unclean home so we feel pressure then to have a nice environment. Where I thought because I read a book on neuroscience before and apparently it releases some sort of happy hormone. Say if you wake up in the morning and you have a nicer environment that then has a domino effect on how many more positive thoughts that you have

for the rest of your day. So for example, if you wake up and there's still dirty dishes in the sink, you're kind of going, oh, you're feeling sluggish, you're feeling shit, you're making yourself feel bad, you're making yourself feel lazy, you're having negative thoughts. Whereas like if you wake up with a clean home and like fresh flowers on your bedside table, that's going to set you off right and you're going to have a completely different experience for your day. So I thought surely then both genders would see the importance of having a nice environment. But for whatever reason, apparently it's like the social expectation of

of the genders as to why we actually feel the pressure to have a clean and tidy environment rather than wanting to just have it ourselves. So I'm gonna read some of your contributions. Another thing that I can't answer yet is because I've only experienced both working parents, so I think it would be really difficult to navigate

what sort of free time or how to delegate domestic tasks between a couple that where the woman is financially dependent on the man and it's more of like a traditional setup where he's the breadwinner and she's at home and looking after the children and the household. How do you then decide

what sort of leisure time she has and then how do you determine what is his responsibility within the home? It's hard to know but the majority now in modern day anyway, the majority of people, both parents work in the household but unfortunately the brunt of most of the domestic labour is still upon women or thrust upon women. The mental labour, the actual physical labour of it, it's been called the second shift. Now I haven't read this book yet but I did set it for my breast reading

read of the month if you want to join I'll leave it linked in the

in the description. Okay, someone texted me saying there's a study phenomenon about how lesbian couples have higher income because they perform better at work due to better labour division. It's an interesting point. It's a really frustrating thing to think about. Someone said, I don't know where I heard this, but I think it was a TikTok, but basically about women's work in the home is consistent and cyclical, i.e. laundry has to be done every single day, house always has to be cleaned, so they are never done. Whereas male jobs can be completed, cut grass, take out bins,

and are also more visible so they get praise. As in you only notice a house isn't clean, you don't notice when it's been clean and it's obviously when a task has been done, like the grass is freshly cut. A lot of people, when they were texting in, they were saying that there's pink jobs and blue jobs. Like in my head, and I think what the stereotypical man job would always be is taking out the bins, which only ever has to be done once every few days. It's not like something that has to be done every single day. And even at that, they're fucking shoving

They're fucking shoving the rubbish so deep down that by the time they take out the bin bag it bursts or there's a hole in it or it's stinking up the fucking house or there's porridge getting on the lid of the bin and then it's getting mouldy and no one's actually cleaning the actual bin. Oh,

Oh my fucking god.

I would usually not deal with these things in such a mature way lol but I sat him down and had a very relaxed convo about it and it completely changed after that and he picked up all the slack etc I think if you're with someone who isn't an eejit these things should be sorted easy af

Like it shouldn't be normal for women to have to beg and plead with their partner about these things. But unfortunately, it seems like it is. And you would actually be surprised how often couples have this argument, especially, I don't know what it is, but some sort of shift happens after you have a child. You could have a really good equal division of domestic labor and be kind of into a routine before you have a baby. So say like you cook, I clean.

That's a pretty standard setup. You do the bathrooms, I do the floors everywhere else. You do the laundry, I do the putting away. You know, that sort of shite. But then when a baby comes, it's slightly different. And if you're breastfeeding, there's an added element of responsibility for the woman who is breastfeeding. And then it's really hard to navigate or delegate tasks or responsibilities to the other partner. Also, it's really difficult, I think, to decide who does the night feeds. And there's huge discourse about this. Who is going to do the night feeds when there's...

one stay-at-home parent and then someone who has to go to work, do you share that responsibility or is it all down to the mother to lose her sleep every single night? Personally, I don't think someone who's running off no sleep should have to look after a child all day. I do think there's more on the line than if someone goes into work a bit sleepy. It should be equally distributed between the couple, alternating each day. That might be that you have to sleep in separate bedrooms. If you want to save your relationship, you know, what's more important? And I don't think people realise how much

a lack of sleep can negatively impact every single aspect of your life. So if you're running off no sleep consistently, we all know what it feels like to do an all nighter after a night out or not get a very good night's sleep and then have to wake up really early and go to college or go to work or go to whatever it is and you're feeling groggy and you're feeling shit all day. But when you don't have children, you can then look forward to the evening ahead going, "Okay, tonight I'm going to have a good night's sleep." Whereas when you have kids,

and if you bear 100% of the responsibility of doing all the night feeds, you don't get that peace of mind, you don't get that relief of going, maybe tonight I'm gonna get a good night's sleep, maybe tonight I'm gonna get a full night's sleep. That is not guaranteed. Usually children up until the age of like one or two do wake up one or two times a night. Now obviously there are children that sleep through the night, no problem, but the majority of the time it is very normal for children, especially under one, to wake up once or twice in the night because they want to feed

over 24 hours. They're still growing. They're going to be very hungry. They want comfort. They're used to being in your room. They're used to being close to you. So it is very likely they're going to wake up a few times in the night for comfort. Obviously, it's very dependent on the child's temperament. But if a woman has to bear 100% of that responsibility after giving birth, after being pregnant, after healing her body, from breastfeeding, breastfeeding takes up

20% extra energy of your body to even produce the milk. So that's an added layer of exhaustion on top of that. And because of our hormones, women need a lot more sleep than men do. Taking all of this into consideration, there should be more of, I think,

a focus on dads bearing the responsibility of the night feeds. It should be just given. I don't know why there's even a debate over this. It's very clear biologically that women need more sleep than men. After giving birth, especially, you're healing, your body's healing, all the hormones shift. You're at much higher risk of developing postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety if you're not getting sufficient sleep. It's a huge problem. So then we're perpetuating that and the cycle by then bearing the responsibility and then men expecting us to do that all because...

I have to go to work tomorrow. Who gives a fuck? And then if you think of the perspective of the child who has to be looked after, the exhausted mother. And we've all been there where we've been so exhausted and we've like tried to put the milk in the dishwasher. We've tried to put fucking nappies into the washing machine. And then there's all this push for mothers to go socialise, go to your toddler group, go for walks, do all the nice things on your maternity leave. Imagine...

being that exhausted and then trying to drive somewhere. It is so, so dangerous. This is what really frustrates me with men. You shouldn't even have to tell them to be taking on that responsibility. It should be just known that you have to care for the mother who's literally just given birth. I do think that men should be bearing more responsibility when it comes to night feeds, but unfortunately they're just not. I wish society held more expectations for men in the home and raising their children.

Jesus Christ.

Serious emotional maturity issue. I was always the default parent, but now all of the responsibilities are on me. It's hard for me to resent him for it, as I think a lot of how it is how people are raised, particularly here in Ireland anyway. Originally from the UK and had been here a long time. Independence isn't something I see a lot of people teaching their kids here. I feel like it kind of just falls on women when their babies are born. That's just my experience though. I hope others have had better experience.

Jesus Christ. Maybe our parents' generation think that the younger generations have it all so easy now or we're putting too much expectations on men and they're not able for that. The poor petals. They're not built like women are. They don't have the maternal instinct whereas that's also fucking bullshit. You've both decided to have a child.

you both must bear the responsibilities. And I know fucking Susan, 50 years ago, your fella, whatever, he was sitting on the couch all day where you were looking after the kids, making the dinners and cleaning the whole house and you didn't complain. Whereas now women are fucking working as well at the same time and still doing that on top of it. So often, women don't want to be seen as nags. We don't want to be seen as we are complaining because we have it a lot easier than Susan had it 50 years ago. That doesn't mean that we should...

give up striving to be better or wanting to be, have a more egalitarian society. Like we still do have a long way to go. If we didn't, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. And I don't want to be talking about this for the fucking fun of it. Do you know what I mean? Like a lot of these women texting me, a lot of the women who I've spoke to about this, we all love our partners. We all love the father of our children. We are capable of loving. I don't think love is transactional. I don't think love is off the...

goes off the basis of who does what for who. But after you have children and if you want to live together, if you see a future with each other, you need to be good domestic partners at the same time. It's just really disappointing. Men can't just pull their socks up for the sake of the relationship and the family to be a good domestic partner.

And I know that you can sit them down, have these conversations with them, but it is frustrating that women have to do that in the first place. It also doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to go into their head. Maybe they'll have a good few weeks after the conversation and they'll think they're great and they'll be wagging their tail and showing you their art project going, mammy, mammy, look, I emptied the dishwasher.

But then after that, it fucking falls to shit and they're not doing it anymore. And then you have to keep repeating yourself over and over again. Obviously, then your kids are seeing that. The people around you are seeing that. You're going to hold resentments. You're going to be moody. You're going to be pissed off. And then your kids are going to see you. This is nag, nag, nag. You're not going to be able to enjoy yourself. You're going to have less leisure time. You're going to be able to invest less time into your work. You're going to be able to see your friends less. I don't think any amount of love that I have for someone is worth being treated like that. It's a total lack of respect and it is

totally, it's not even internalised misogyny, it is blatant misogyny to not see that that is unequal. Now, there obviously are exceptions to this and as well, I don't want to be giving people medals for being like a normal partner and actually bearing the responsibility of the child that you both had a part in creating. But it is great that there are men who take on the responsibility but it is unfortunate that it's...

the fact that it is such a rarity enrages me and I don't know what goes off in men's heads after a baby comes it's like maybe fear or the fact that they know that they have more responsibilities that then they completely avoid it and run away from it and then regress back into being a child

It's strange. It's a strange phenomenon. I would love to do more research on it. I still don't understand why that happens. One thing, yeah, that drives me insane is the constant... This is like a real trendy thing to say because...

everyone's saying fatigue like decision fatigue empathy fatigue and all the shite I literally get question fatigue stop asking me questions I had to figure it out for myself I had to look it up I had to ask a support group stop

depending on or relying on your wife or the mother of your child to answer every single question that you have. You have to do some of your own research. Like read a parenting book. Look it up. The most disappointing thing is that we have so much access to information. Like there's so much that we could be taught and we could learn about. But for some reason, a lot of the men I've come across and fathers are just like, oh, I'm just going to ask her.

She knows the answer, obviously. And like, it's good to have conversations and obviously make decisions together. But there is a total, it's reliance on the women to be like making all the decisions and have all the answers, which is so fucking stressful and annoying. Okay, tricky one. Let's just say I believe a woman's role as a mother is to have a choice to either stay at home and have a softer life, less bills, not paying rent, and daddy should absolutely be providing and bringing...

that to the table. Now, if daddy's working five days a week and late nights, we are equal. Here he's busting his bollocks to pay rent to put a roof over our head while I luckily get to stay at home with my girl-o. But on days off, I expect he puts in as much effort with her as he does take over and allow me to have a break or go off for a few hours as they should because they are a parent too. I totally think that men should just want to spend time with their children. There's these two...

And I don't want to go into detail because it's so like... I try to avoid celebrity culture as much as possible. But there are these two big actors who recently have gone through huge breakups and they're with their baby mamas. Right?

right and I already know why or how it ended without even being told and it's like I'm not jumping to conclusions I just know because it's so common for the dads to get say one good thing about their kids or say like I spent yesterday with them I was with them last week but they literally aren't even involved like they probably don't know what their best friend's names are they probably don't even know what school the child is going to be going to all they do is like

pay the bills and then see them once in a while and everyone is praising them being like, what a good dad. Where the mom is at home busting her bollocks off and then watching everyone swoon over this man who has probably abandoned her in her most vulnerable state. And that's just something I cannot get behind. I have succumbed to it a few times. You know, if you have a crush or there's a heartthrob, obviously. But then I quickly get over it when they are humanized again and at the end of the day, they are still...

A man, unfortunately. My husband and I share labour almost equally, but something I hate is when he does half a job. Like when I do dishes, I do them all. He will do 15 minutes of dishes. This also should be enough time to do them all. And then leave the rest. Like that isn't doing the job, that's leaving me a job to do. I brought this up with him though, and now he finishes every job he starts. That's fair enough. My master's dissertation was based on one statistic I heard that said during lockdown, the amount of academic works published by men went up, while those with women...

as the main author went down. No prizes for guessing why. Then I interviewed loads of women about their experience working from home as people with the identity of someone in a professional capacity and their identity of being a woman slash mother slash partner and how the traditional gender roles act as a barrier to their contribution to the labour market and the glass ceiling.

One of the things I found was that in countries with standardized equal mat-slash-pat leave, the division of labor became a lot more equal as the mother is left less often the default. The parental mat leave thing is...

crazy because if you think about the time that you spend with your baby while the fella's off at work you're teaching yourself everything on your own you're learning their cues you're learning how they prefer to get soothed you're learning like their allergies what foods they like what temperature they like their bath what their favourite colour is what their favourite animal is you're teaching them all these things you're bonding with them you're having one on one connection so then obviously

the child is going to get attached to you is going to have a secure attachment to you different to the father because you're the one that's most of the time there for them then the child is obviously only ever going to want the mam whereas if there was equal standardised mat slash pat leave say if the mother and the father both got six months it would be more equally distributed and then by the time they both went back to work the responsibility would both

beyond the two of them. So it is a difficult one to know. My baby is 18 months old and I'm the only person who's given her a bath because I'm get ready to be riled up because I'm better at it I'm told. Constantly having to repeat myself with things I've said a million times regarding how to look after the baby. If I want help with something I'm asked to make a list. Then I end up just doing it myself because doing it is just easier than the mental energy it takes to make the list. The mental load women have to carry is insane. Then he thinks being a parent is easy and he'd happily have another one.

It's a classic. It's easy for him because I do it all and I can't think of anything worse than having another one. I'd end up going insane. So my partner was raised in a weird dynamic where he never learned how to look after himself as his mum and sisters are very emotionally dependent on him and used his dependence on them as a way to always have him around. What? It used to drive me mad that he's useless but took a lot of trauma in his life and him putting boundaries in with female family a bit for me to realise it was actually not his fault.

He does his best to learn what to do now, but yeah, I call this Irish Mammy's Boy Syndrome. His mum and sister dislike me. They don't want him to have his own life with me. I had an argument with his mum once because I make him eat veg. Now, according to her, he doesn't like it. LAUGHTER

This is why I'm... Well, first of all, I'm not interested in dating because number one, I was saying this to my other man friend, my free time, like I don't want to spend my free time getting to know someone new. You'd have to be really, really special for me to... Because number one, I'd either have to pay for childcare, which is embarrassing in itself. Like imagine me paying for childcare so I can go on a date. Or I'd have to do it while she's at her daddy's, which is even weirder.

Because I'm like, oh class, she's with her baby daddy now, I can do what I want. And I think in the past I was very much, love was at the forefront of everything and I still do think that. I love love, I love loving someone but I have no interest in getting into a relationship with someone who can

cannot be a good domestic partner or is not responsible and cannot look after themselves. I'm really conscious of the fact that I don't want to introduce my child to anyone. And there's probably studies done on this as well. The effect that it has on your sex drive. And I'd say a lot of women think that after they have a baby, they're like, I don't have a sex drive anymore. That's weird. It must be something to do with my hormones. No, it's probably the fact that you have a child and then also another man child. And how could you be attracted to someone that is literally a baby? So it's probably a huge wedge between

in the relationship and is probably why a lot of couples are unhappy or that's what I would credit their unhappiness to. Like it's a cycle. Maybe if you gave them reassurance, maybe if you looked after them a bit more, it would get the mood up. Do you know what I mean? I have...

Oh

Oh my God. Jesus.

he was basically moving in as he hadn't left my apartment in a few days and I spoke to him about cleaning up after he ate and hoovering etc and he said that's not no problem you just tell me when because I don't notice things like that I had to end it and he left Jesus fair fucks you no it would have gotten completely it would have gotten 10 times worse after you had the baby my husband went back to work at about three weeks postpartum and it

and coincided with my breast milk levelling out so I could only feed baby from the boob and didn't have enough to express so I felt like all the baby stuff fell on me he was actually helping out wherever he could but with the mix of tiredness hormones and him not actually wanting to leave our baby bubble it caused so many arguments

I resented him for having this time away and he didn't know what more he could do. Anyway, I was trolling through Mumsnet posts at about 3am and had a really, really good point that helped us both. It just surmised that basically nobody is a winner in this situation. We both needed to understand each other's perspective to alleviate the frustrations. But the fact of the matter is that neither of us are winning apart from being parents to our baby. And it's a season, it'll pass, but we need to understand rather than resent each other to move forward. Will we look up

First before I read the next one Will we look up Because I did have this How to How to train your husband

Okay, in fairness, every single website that I went on to, I read about six or seven. These were all the same advice. And this is like, I'm sure if you went to couples counselling, this is probably what they were going to say. How can I get my husband to help with household chores? Learn about priorities. Discuss what is truly important to each of you. Share opinions on home-cooked meals versus quick meals, paying bills, the differences in how each of you cleans, making beds, etc. Next is anticipate roadblocks. Make a list of chores...

each of you hates to do. What one hates the other may be able to tolerate. If you both hate the same chore, figure out a way to compromise to get the task done and do it together as a team. Agree on a timetable. Be considerate of each other's body clocks. Not everyone is a morning person. Touch base on a plan each week. I think that's good. You should schedule with each other on what needs to be done around the house. Keep re-evaluating. Or lastly, hire help. It is very important to take into consideration

cultural background, economic and financial situations, all of these other things that determine the

dynamic of your relationship. Like, for example, a family with a lower income that can't afford help or can't hire help, they need to figure it out more. Whereas couples who make more money could hire help and then alleviate that stress. They could also pay for couples counselling or whatever. So they're less likely to split up. But then also, couples with more income can afford things like living in two houses. They can afford divorce if things were to go tits up. Whereas families with lower income are more likely to have a parent split

where they're split up but still living in the same household and obviously that creates a lot of tension and a lot of stress in the house for the children and then that's going to have an effect on the children's self-esteem, the way they view relationships, the way they view what a healthy relationship is. It's all those things that are not taken into

consideration and how like that is going to affect the way a child develops. I just googled why women need more sleep than men. Dr Harrington says rising levels of the sex hormone progesterone that occur in the last two weeks of women's monthly cycle have a super...

And that means women require more sleep. And then another thing says, This seems a bit vague. And there was a scene I remember. Oh my God.

If you've ever watched Marley and Me, I watched that after I gave birth and after I went through my breakup. And you know the scene where Jennifer Aniston is at home, she's overwhelmed. They have three kids or two kids, two or three kids. She's stressed out of her box. She's pissed off. She was in a really good high paying job. She was a successful journalist, more so than your man. What's his name? Owen Wilson, whatever the character is called.

And he comes home one day after work and he's sitting in the car for 20 minutes or whatever to decompress after work. And he's mentally preparing himself to go into the house. He's probably anticipating like a naggy, pissed off wife, right? Because she's overtired. Then he comes in and he's like, oh, I think you might have postpartum depression. It's such a fucking classic. And then the following scene then is him on the weekend out with his mate and the dog talking about how she might have fucking...

postpartum depression and then he's probably thinking in his head oh this is easy having kids you know for a few hours on the weekend what the fuck is she talking about she obviously has something seriously wrong with her it's nothing to do with me and sitting in the car for 20 minutes and sitting in the toilet for half an hour when I get home to a home cooked meal the house is clean the kids are in bed and washed

You know, it's nothing to do with me whatsoever. She doesn't need to relax because this is what she wanted. She wants to be a mother. She doesn't have any other aspirations. She's devoid of any other personality other than being a mother. This is what she is meant to do. I'm happy as fuck. I can strive in my career. I can sleep through a full night because the babies don't even want me. She knows how to do everything better. The babies want her. It has nothing to do... It's not my fault.

She actually just has postpartum depression. That's why she's so pissed off at me. It's nothing to do with the fact that I'm not taking any more responsibilities. I'm not doing anything extra. I'm not going the extra mile to try to support her so that she can maybe go for what she wants or she can have a bit of leisure time at the weekend. Maybe she needs to decompress. Maybe she needs to decompress and try to figure out who she is or like have a nice time. Watching Marlee Me with that new perspective, it fucking...

It hit me off.

I'm a good cook so do most of the cooking but he does and will do it if I can't be arsed. If I cook he'll wash the pots and clean the kitchen instead. Ever since I've known my partner he's always taken pride in his space. His passion is cooking for others and hosting so he'll mess up the kitchen but because he cooks nearly all of our meals I don't mind doing the dishes. I'm a doctor and work long hours whereas he works from home so it just made more sense that way too.

He actually enjoys cleaning more than me too. Our thing is we don't go 50-50. We go relative to what that person can give. So for example, it's like going by equity, like an equitable division of, say, the bills and the rent. Whoever makes more money, I think, should pay...

the larger percentage of like the bills and the rent. That makes logical sense to me. So it should be the same at work. So if one person is working less hours or maybe working from home, they should be doing more of the domestic responsibilities. So for example, if I'm on a night shift, I might clean and make dinner or do the shopping during the day. But if he's home more,

So again, this is why it's so important

that from the get-go and something that I'm not willing to compromise on or willing to do is to display that unequal division of labour to my children. I don't want to be a naggy, resentful parent. I don't want to be pissed off the majority of my day. It's not something I want to do. It's reinforcing the gender stereotypes. I don't want my kids growing up thinking that that's normal. I don't want my kids growing up

to think that I'm just pissed off constantly. I once asked my ex to clean the bathroom and when I went in after the bathtub was still dirty so I asked him if he cleaned it he said no. When I asked why he said that he didn't realise cleaning the bathroom included the bathtub. Like surely they're not that stupid I feel like it must be tactical so they didn't

they don't get asked to do it again. Oh my God.

My partner works 10am to 10pm most days running a pub and restaurant where I work from home 9am to 6pm so me doing the clothes washing and cooking etc can get too much when it's constant but it makes sense when I'm the one who's home more. When I'm away for work it can frustrate me that nothing is done while I'm away but I try and practice empathy for his full on mental and physical job and when he does have a day off once in a blue moon he wants to see his friends or family rather than cleaning the house etc.

but it can be hard. I'm like, please, can you take down the clean and dry laundry, surely? Obviously, the easy answer for this would be if you were able to hire help like a cleaner, it would just alleviate and relieve so much of this pressure. But like people are working so much, so many long hours looking after their kids, playing for childcare, living paycheck to paycheck. It's a fucking nightmare and then can't even afford the extra help. It's like back in the day,

when Susan was buying her house for whatever buttons and then she flipped it for 10 times the price now. She can retire and go on a cruise, whatever. In fairness, her fellow was going out, being the breadwinner, didn't have to pay for childcare because she could be a stay-at-home mam if she wanted to. She had the option to work, but Susan didn't want to. She wanted to stay at home with her kids and that's fine. That's choice feminism. She was able to do it. It's grand. But now we have this, under the guise of choice feminism, we're all told that we have a choice.

We can stay at home if we want to But most of the time we can't fucking afford it How's anyone going to You cannot get approved for a mortgage With just a single income anymore Like it's literally impossible You need to be making like 90 grand or something As a single person to be able to get approved for a mortgage To be able to afford a house to live in Dublin Which is not feasible for the majority of single people

We don't have a choice anymore. And then there's still this ingrained like unequal distribution of responsibility between men and women. So then we're going to work and then doing the fucking shit afterwards as well. And men are just getting on fine. Nothing has changed for them whatsoever. But everyone thinks that sexism isn't a thing anymore because we can go to work if we want to. Not partners, but my dad and 18 year old brothers. My mum passed away the day before she died and I walked in on them discussing how my dad would manage the domestic labour without her. Imagine that being one of the last conversations you have with your wife. Insane.

My mum suggested a cleaner and my dad got defensive saying this is a fucking classic as well. My dad was saying he didn't want someone poking around his stuff so now domestic labour falls on me. I come back from uni most weekends to make sure my brothers are okay although they're literally adults now and still refuse to do their own washing even though they know how. Oh. My. God.

Fucking God. I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people put up with that. Now an ex-partner, but he was the first and only partner I've lived with thus far. I worked seven days a week, did all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, food shopping, etc. He would only ever do something such as hang out the laundry when asked. I'd finish a 12-hour shift on the weekend and he would ask me what was for dinner all while he was...

an unemployed stay-at-home boyfriend. He would then proceed to complain about my cooking and how I did the laundry. I brought up this issue several times just to hear, I cooked you food that one time, I hoovered that one time. I'm embarrassed to admit I put up with this for as long as I did and it wasn't the reason I left the relationship. I healed myself by exiting the relationship now. I don't know if I will find a partner that can put on a load of laundry or wash a dish as most of the men in my life can do it but choose not to because someone else would do it for them.

Okay.

Oh.

My God. Honestly, I have preemptive anxiety about having an incompetent partner. My dad was incompetent and I saw that strain it took on my mother and in turn me as the oldest daughter. Of course, none of the emotional slash physical labor was put on my brother. I also hear so many colleagues, I'm a teacher, talk about their awful partners, many of which have children and talk about doing all the domestic labor at home because he will just do it wrong. He works long hours, etc.,

It honestly triggers an anxiety response in me. I'm quote highly strung with my current partner. Example, if he leaves a wet towel on the bed, I confront him and it's a huge turn off. It's really hard managing expectations, but equally knowing what is fair to expect of a partner because for so long, women have done so much for so little. I have an internal rage against incompetent men and have zero sympathy.

I'll have to agree with you there. I also do not want to have to teach my partner how to be an adult, which I see so many of my friends do. And it is so much emotional labor. It dims their shine and stumps their personal growth because it feels you are constantly waiting for someone to catch up or you have to make yourself smaller to be more compatible with your partner. You never hear he's so good for her. And I hope for a day when I do get to hear those words here of compassionate, empathetic and altruistic men. Where are they?

I would love to know myself. When I was 19, I met my first boyfriend. He was 22, and to say he was the filthiest man I've ever met didn't do it justice. He used to leave out mouldy takeaway for days at a time. Mugs would begin to mould and cigarette butts in every glass. I used to end up doing both of our laundry and clean the apartment as I would be too embarrassed of what my friends would think if they came over. He made no effort to tidy and generally thought this was my job. I don't know why I kept doing it. I think for the praise or validation that's

the end after completing the tidy up but one day I broke when I found a human poo in a plastic bag. He was after sharting himself in a club and instead of throwing it out his underwear he put them in his pocket and took them home and forgot about them. Okay maybe I'll just leave it there. I just think that all women with children

should just be living together in a lovely, harmonious commune. It would be so well organised. Sure, there would be disagreements, but we would all do our fair share and I think that's all that matters. We will all love and respect each other in our own community. I hope that made people feel really angry.