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Mike Tirico here with some of the 2024 Team USA athletes. What's your message for the team of tomorrow? To young athletes, never forget why you started doing it in the first place. You have to pursue something that you're passionate about. Win, lose, or draw, I'm always going to be the one having a smile on my face. Finding joy in why you do it keeps you doing it.
Be authentic, be you, and have fun. Joy is powering Team USA during the Olympic and Paralympic Games. Comcast is proud to be bringing that inspiration home for the team of tomorrow. Hi, you big babies. I'm starting a new series. It's about parenting, child psychology, and healing your inner child, which I think is very interesting. And because I'm studying child psychology at the moment, I wanted to talk about it with someone.
because I do it online and I don't have any other students to talk about it with. I asked my story, not, it wasn't anything to do with my course whatsoever, but I'm just generally interested in it. Two or three months ago, I asked my story, what extracurriculars did you do in school? And how did your parents teach you self-discipline? Before I got pregnant, when I was pregnant, and then now after I've had a child, I think my mindset on it has shifted so much because you know, when you're a child and you're imagining, or you have this fantasy of your perfect
perfect house, especially women or little girls. We're bought these little baby born, we're bought these little dolls to look after and buggies and we're basically just being set up to be mothers. And I think when I was a child and I would imagine my family in the future and what my children would be like, I always had this real all good American housewife, sort of Martha Stewart, all my children will be, because you know, your only reference is like American TV. So I was like, they're going to be valedictorian and go to Ivy League college.
You know, so not realistic at all. And then when I was pregnant, I was just thinking more about myself because I didn't see her as a separate entity yet. She still felt like a big part of me. I think I was using that as an excuse to like heal my inner child. I was thinking to myself, oh, I'll put her in sports, which I still do think is really important. And then I'd love for her to play the harp and maybe to sing or something like that. But only because I could only imagine her as a...
an appendage to me rather than her own person whereas now that she's born and alive and kicking and talking to me I'm like you literally are a whole person so it's way easier now to let her go with the flow and for I know that she will one day I know for a fact she'll be able to tell me what she does and does not want to do but I'm there to support her through all of it so now all I need to focus on is trying to financially support her and provide that for her give her lifts you know that sort of
sort of thing be there for her but I got all of your contributions which I'm going to read out now someone said I have awful self-discipline likely linked to my ADHD but was never pushed that much I was encouraged and did piano lessons and tried violin and so many things but never liked them or practiced enough my two best friends in secondary school were both grade 8 piano and another instrument by year 8 and both had tiger parents which I was jealous of
This is such a well-rounded answer, Zara. And I have to say it is because I read, I did some research on this topic.
and that is exactly the conclusion I came from from what I learned. I'd say the general consensus of all these contributions and what people said to me is that there was a huge broad spectrum obviously because parents are just doing what they think is right and maybe how they were brought up or it's just naturally what comes to them. On one end of the spectrum you have the total libertarian parents that are like do whatever you want and then there'll be the helicopter tiger parents on the other end of the spectrum. The tiger helicopter...
which would be classified as authoritarian. And at that end of the spectrum, that would be the same classification as authoritarian.
In my eyes, now sometimes it's not. Obviously, there are different degrees to this type of parenting, but on the really, really extreme end of it, it would be classified as abuse. And that could be emotional abuse, coercion, parental inflexibility and demanding complete obedience. So that's them picking and choosing every single thing that you do. And that can result in the valedictorian and the Ivy League college situation.
student but then the child is going to have an array of mental health mental health issues of course this is all very complicated because some people and parents would see still that as successful they wouldn't see the importance of having a healthy well-rounded child they would just think that oh well because on paper they're successful they've gotten social leverage and
they're going to have a great career, that's my job done. They can figure out the mental health stuff themselves. And then on the other end of the spectrum, the libertarian parents. So they would be like,
I just want you to be happy. But there's no sort of guidance whatsoever, especially putting that much pressure. It's like almost paralyzed by choice because children do like to have an option. But if there's too much reliance on them making decisions for themselves, it's almost neglectful. And again, that's the extreme end of the spectrum where it's,
a bit of negligence and actually not caring at all about how your child turns out. And that's why it's important to have these conversations, guys. The people who texted me came from both ends. You know, there was the authoritarian
parents. This is just from what the snippet they gave me, that's what I was gathering, where their parents would literally stand beside them at the piano and make sure that they practice, not let them do anything, not let them play until they'd gotten their practice done. And then the libertarian was like, oh, don't care. I'm not going to drop you to practice, so you're going to have to figure it out yourself. No sense of encouragement or anything. No, but in that sense, the children have grown up to have a good relationship with their parents, relatively happy, but have...
either little, they feel like they've missed out or they don't have a skill or have figured out as much what sort of direction they want to go in. If you could meet in the middle of the two styles of parenting, what comes in the middle is collaborative parenting, where you make the decisions together and the parent is always there to support them no matter what. So that's offering them, you know, words of encouragement, words of affirmation and encouragement,
giving them lifts, giving them the room to make mistakes and learn from their failures and making sure that they're focusing in on a growth outlook rather than a fixed outlook. So that's like, if you've heard, it's a really common phenomenon now, I think online, where, and when I first heard it, when I read a parenting book, I thought it was bullshit, to be honest, where you don't compliment a child on
on a fixed trait. So that, for example, is you're so smart or you're so pretty because you can't change those things. It feels like an inherent characteristic that you're born with. Whereas like if you do really well on a test, that's nothing to do with your inherent trait of being smart. That's actually how much work that you put into it. A very slim number of people can get along in life and do really well by doing nothing because they're just purely really, really intelligent. It's so, so...
uncommon for that to be true. So for us to be focusing on fixed traits such as you're so smart, you're so intelligent when someone does really well in a test is putting so much pressure on a child and is giving the wrong idea. So if the child does badly in a test and another time they think I'm stupid, whereas that's not the case at all. And it all is if you encourage, say, the resilience and their commitment to work
their work ethic, how much they study. They've done a study on, like they used two groups of children and they complimented one group of children on their work ethic, their commitment, their resilience, how much they were studying and how much hard work they were putting in. And then another group of children were complimented on inherent characteristics. So saying, you're so smart, you're so intelligent, you're the cleverest girl in the room. The group that was complimented on their work ethic were proven to work so much harder in...
follow-up tests and actually the next time around did better in them because they knew that it was the work that they had to put in that gave the best results rather than just them relying on them themselves and having they also did a study that
having a fixed outlook on life as in I'm not going to get this because I'm not smart enough causes an array of mental health issues. A fixed outlook is believing that one's abilities are innate and unchangeable and then a growth outlook is hard work and determination are responsible for our success. So we need to reward children for commitment and effort
and don't give the impression that failure means that they're not smart. Every year I did some kind of activity which meant I did everything you could imagine. Dance, basketball, tennis, gymnastics, even doing rhythmic gymnastics, horseback riding, skiing, crossfit, swimming, roller and ice skating, yoga, running/track, the list goes on. But even though in the moment it felt like I didn't have my sport or my hobby, I later realised that number one, I was extremely privileged to try and even excel at all these sports
And number two, it made me realize and learn at a young age that I can be good at multiple things and also try everything.
I don't have to stick to one thing and I'm more than a one trick pony plus I learned lots from each sport so all that combined is amazing I think the way my parents went about this was so great looking back because they made sure that I liked or even loved doing whatever I was doing like the second I wanted to quit slash didn't like something anymore it is such a huge privilege to be able to do things to begin with I didn't realize how expensive things were until I became an adult because it's just not something you think about as a child you're just like I don't
Why do I do it anymore? You know And like even costumes And special shoes And all that sort of shite I tried ballet When I was five Because I wanted to wear a tutu And then when I actually came I realised you don't wear tutus Unless you're doing a show And I was like What the fuck is this bullshit? I thought I was going to be like Angelina Ballerina Hopping around the place
What is this? And you know when they got these long skirts with the jazz shoes and then they were doing a dance with that and I was like, this is not my cup of tea. This is not what I signed up for. So then I went on to a tap dancing jazz stage school. I loved that. And then I moved on to Billy Barry stage school and then I did the musical in my school. So that was my niche, if you know what I mean. It was really my passion. Like I loved stage school so much, but I was just a little messer. Like I couldn't,
I could never get the bus on time. I could never get myself there in time. I'd be forgetting my shoes. And then once I think I was doing my junior cert, I was doing exams. I was like, I can't juggle all of this. It's too hard. I have to study for my junior cert. But I kind of wish I had. Well, my parents put a huge, a huge importance on exams, especially for me and my older brother. Like, I'd love to do another episode on how your parents change their parenting, depending on which child they're...
It's like different, specific to the child. So my older brother got the hardest, obviously, because he was the first. And then when they got to me, they were a bit strict. They were still strict, but they were kind of a bit more lax, I think. But like I wasn't allowed to leave my house for the whole of six years.
Because I had to do my exams. And I didn't even do that well in them because I was depressed out of my head, obviously. In my junior cert, that was when I was discovering my sexuality and I thought that I was a lesbian. And then a rumour went around that I was... Wait, I'm going on a bit of a tangent. And then a rumour went around that I was actually having sex with my best friend at sleepovers. Because I was in an all-girls school, it was like a vicious rumour that was going around. So then I felt uncomfortable that everyone was looking at me going, oh my god, dirty lesbian, get her out of here. And I didn't even know bisexuality was a thing then, I don't think.
And then as time went on, obviously I got a boyfriend when I was 17 and then
I thought, oh, I'm actually just bisexual. Because you know, if you have, and it was a convent, like it was a proper Catholic school. So I was thinking in my head, because I was having these dirty thoughts about women, I was like, I'm a filthy lesbian. My parents are proper, like they're hippies, sort of. They're kind of corporate hippies, if you know what I mean. So I know they would never have that attitude where they're like, what? You're a lesbian? But I just thought for myself, and I think around the circle that I was in,
And I even had a friend who was a lesbian, but for some reason I was like, no one's going to see me the same. So anyway, when I was discovering my sexuality, I was getting drunk and I was like professing my love to this one girl that I was obsessed with, but like she wasn't out yet. So it was all very traumatizing. And she didn't want to tell people that she was out. So I feel like I'm still like hung up on her. Where, how did I get here? So anyway.
So then I moved school. Then I was thriving and that school became Head Girl and was like the lead in the school musical. So I think your environment is so important on how you're going to thrive. But what was I going to say? Yeah, so that was around then when I ended musical theatre in Billy Barry when I was doing my junior circle because that's actually when I basically dropped out. Like I stopped going to, I got a letter from
the Department of Education being like you missed too many days of school so we're gonna have to visit the house but it was actually fine because I had doctor's notes I didn't do that well on my leaving in my junior cert I think I got like C's I did like mediocre I got B's and C's so anyway I lost that but I wish I had like if I was to go back no I don't I'm not like my parents should have said to me because how the fuck would they know that no they were being like supportive
At the time. They didn't know that it was like a source of happiness for me to go to musical theatre. So I... Is it even musical theatre? Stage school. If I was to go back to myself now, I would say...
No, you should keep, even in exam years, I do think extracurriculars, dance, singing, that sort of thing, whatever brings you happiness, sports, it's so good for your mental health because if you're only focusing on school, it can get so draining. Neuroscience has proven that exercise is good for your cognitive development. So surely if you're keeping up with your extracurriculars, which usually has an element of physical ed in it,
That would be good for your brain and studying and learning. Yeah. OK, let's read another one. I wasn't forced or encouraged to do anything in particular. I felt like my parents weren't interested in me, even though they were actually just trying to let me make my own decisions. I think I would have preferred that they at least express a desire for me to do a sport or hobby and told me how they could support me to do it. A friend of mine has a teenage son and she told him he always has to have an active hobby slash sport. He can change it if he doesn't like it, but he has to have something at all times. Maybe a good compromise?
So I know someone in my personal life who's very close to me whose parents made her do something different every single day after school. I think she had one day off and she did a sport so she had like matches on the weekend as well. So every single day she had something after school and she has an incredible work ethic but also she said that
She believes in herself. If she tries something new, she knows that she can be good at it if she puts the work in, which I think is incredible because I don't have that mentality at all. I don't think a lot of people do have the mentality where they're like,
they pick up something new and they know if they put work in that they'll be good in it. Because I know for myself, if I start something new and I'm not good at it after like a week, I always think to myself, I'm not able for this. I don't have the brain capacity for this. There's something wrong with me rather than my work ethic or the commitment that I'm putting into it. So I think that's really important for the mindset. And now I don't know what words of encouragement her parents were giving her specifically, but even just the option, and it's such a huge privilege as well to be able to do something every single day after school. That's crazy. That's madness. But...
Well, there's a lot of... The three sports that I did after school, they're all free because they're part of school, which I think is so good. Like, it's actually really good that you can do free sports after school. Now, that is one of the things where I gave up because...
I just wasn't good at them and I thought there's something seriously wrong with me but no literally when I did hockey people would groan if the ball came to me because I would be hitting it with the back of the stick and I'd be losing the game for everyone I'd be on the bench for most of it obviously but if someone got injured then I'd be on and it was just a disaster and then I did volleyball and again if I was serving like it was just going out of bounds it was just hitting the net like I just wasn't I
wasn't good but I wanted to be a sports girl so bad like I stayed to get my hoodie with my fucking name on it so I could wear for the rest of the year but then I never went to the fucking training and I just I really wanted to be a part of something but then I did running I'm really good at hurdles because I could hop high but that's because I was doing stage school and I was literally jetting over the fucking things and I can't run as fast either it's like when I'm running I can run I'm again I'm very bang in the middle mediocre person I'm kind of
Slightly above average At some things I'm slightly above average But I would say I'm bang in the middle Average at everything So when I was running And There were people running ahead of me You know when your Your legs get so heavy When you're in a dream When you're trying to run away It was like that And I didn't know how To make myself go faster Whereas like I love exercise So I should have
because my mentality was I have to be at the best at this. I have to be the best at this. Otherwise, it's not worth it. And I think that's because when I was doing stage school, I was able to get lead roles because I was a good singer. I wouldn't say I'm good anymore because I picked up smoking then at 16. But I was a really good singer. I got the lead. So then I was like, he gave me this role
unrealistic expectation where I was going to excel in absolutely everything that I did rather than just like doing it for the enjoyment of it and just and being just okay or good at something is good enough you know or enjoying it and especially with exercise now I always thought that I had to look hot or look a certain way to do exercise and look
graceful and stuff where now I don't give a shit. I think after I had a baby, I was just like, I'm enjoying myself and I'm going to do this. Okay, so the guidance part. How do you determine if your child doesn't know what activity? Usually I think a child goes by what their friends are doing, which is fine, or they like see a TV show or whatever that influences their decision. But how do you guide a child in a way where they go for the things that suits them best?
Because they can't... Like, it's physically impossible probably to try every single thing. And my mom told me that she really wanted me to be a horse rider when I was four. So she brought me to pony camp because my mom loves horse riding. And obviously I was scared of the horses. Like, I'm sorry, four-year-old. Oh, I saw actually a statistic the other day. Apparently children...
are more likely to die in an equestrian accident than they are to be kidnapped. So I don't think I'd be putting my child in horse riding until they're a bit older, like Miley Cyrus Hannah Montana age. Yeah, well, she can tell me anyway. I think my parents did this really well, to be honest, on the guidance thing, because maybe not so much for my sisters, but I was very much very sure in what I wanted to do. Like I even know that the only example I can think of where my parents actually chose it for me is the pony camp.
But other than that, they were like, you can do whatever you want. You just tell us. Whereas my little sisters, I can see the difference in how we were parented because they didn't really know what they wanted to do. And my parents weren't like encouraging them to do something. They weren't like, you have to do something after school. But yeah, how do you guide or choose what your child's going to do? So I was thinking about this and I was thinking, now, obviously, I want my daughter to do whatever she wants.
and do what she enjoys but how is she going to figure that out? So I think I would like her to do one hobby that she really, really enjoys and one sport. And I would classify dance as a sport so she has loads to choose from there. But I think getting fresh air, being in a team of people, having to work as a team together at a collaboration, listening to music, it's all so good for your mental health.
So I do, I would like to say that she would, has to do a hobby and a sport. So the hobby and sport could be anything. Like the hobby could be a sewing class, knitting class, crocheting class. It could be an instrument, whatever the fuck she wants. The only thing I wouldn't want her to do is probably a contact sport or like a sort of fighting sport.
I would like her to do self-defense or jujitsu, but I wouldn't like, for example, doing kickboxing or MMA or something like that. Anything that she can get a concussion from. I don't think I'd want her to do that. Is that me being a bubble wrap parent? Is that even a term? I know of girls that do boxing and it's so impressive and so cool, but I just think...
imagining my own child doing that maybe just because she's 16 months at the moment I can't imagine her in a pair of boxing gloves but like any other sport like tennis badminton squash athletics I also would like her to now not that she has to continue it but I would like her to do swimming lessons until she's a proficient swimmer I think that's really important and
And then another thing that I would really like her to do is only because I did it and I do think it is really important for everyone to know. But my school had an offer, I don't know if every school does this, but to complete first aid training because it only takes like a week. I think you have to renew it every either one year or two years. I would like her to do first aid training, but we can do that together. And then other than that, she can pick whatever she likes. My parents were very chill with me growing up and would never put pressure on me to do something I didn't want to do. But now I kind of wish they forced me to do a sport or maybe even dancing.
Even something I was interested in, laughy face, because I think it's a great way to make new friends and also have a skill and a hobby that when you're old enough to decide, you can make the decision to keep going or give it up. But at least then you have that option. So I try and encourage my child to get into something they have an interest in. My dad made us feel that we could never quit something when we had started.
hobbies slash sports slash clubs, etc. He had good intentions, but it meant that we stopped trying new things in case we disappointed him when we decided we didn't want to do them anymore. Interesting. Now, but I do think that's an important conversation because how do you teach children the value of money
without pressuring them because I have a real thing of where I don't want to I don't want to project financial worries onto her even if I do have them in the future but how do you teach children the value of money and the cost of things and to be grateful for what they're offered because like I said as a child it's hard to navigate or even understand that things cost money and then it's hard as a parent to communicate that to a child without being like you've wasted all this money it's all your fault we're going to be homeless you know so
I do think it's a really important thing to discuss with a child and say, and someone did text us in, but to say to them, you're allowed to quit, but maybe finish out the term. But also, how do you teach a child resilience? So say one day, and I know we've all been there, we've all been guilty where you're like not in the mood to go to school, so you fake a sickness, you're puking soup until the 12th.
the toilet or you're not arsed going to dance and so you say you have a cold or you have to study or something that's not teaching delayed gratification it's going against the putting the hard work in gives the best results and being consistent and showing up and that's really important for sports as well and for dancing say if you're doing stage school a lot of the time every single person has to be there for it to flow naturally and same things with sport I presume
You're in a specific position and you can't let your teammates down. You're Ivy League game. So how do you teach your child as well to show up? Another person texted this in. I was getting such good tips from people's different parenting skills. This, again, goes back to the parenting style. So say the collaborative parent, it focuses on doing things together and making a decision together as parent and child rather than being
authoritarian and being like, no, you have to do as I say because I said so. And then libertarian going, okay, sweetie, do whatever you want, right? So you have to meet in the middle, which is collaborative. You can't rely on a child to make every single decision in their life. Now, that's just my belief. I would think that children do need some sort of element of guidance.
Even as adults, we ask, like, if you think about it, as adults, we go to our friends, we go to our family members and ask for advice. I'm always looking for advice. I still ask my parents how to do things. That's something we all need as humans. And I think sometimes it goes a little bit too far. And I think why sometimes gentle parenting turns into permissive parenting is that we're giving children too much freedom. And that actually causes them more stress and pressure because they actually don't know what they're supposed to do when they're asking their parents for guidance.
or asking for boundaries to be made for them. Children thrive off boundaries and structure and knowing that a parent is going to be there to fix things if things go wrong. They can make mistakes knowing that the child, yes, can make mistakes but they can go to the parents then afterwards for guidance. This is when a little bit of that comes in, I think, for how to teach a child to keep
continue on to something that you know that they do enjoy. Now, this is obviously different for a child that's telling you that they don't enjoy it and they want to quit. And that's like they're consistently telling you that they don't want to do it and they're not enjoying it. That's a completely different thing. And that's a separate conversation. But if a child just randomly one day is like, oh, I'm not arsed. I want to watch telly like I don't want to go. So someone said, and I'd say this is really collaborative parenting. If the parent said,
How about you go this week and we see how you feel next week. And if you don't want to go next week, you can take the day off.
I think that's a good one. And then he could just keep saying it over and over again. Because I've been there as well where I'm like, I'm not arsed. And if you had a libertarian parent, you'd never do anything. You would never, you would never, obviously as a child, you would watch telly all day. That's, again, is not really teaching you for the real world because when you have school, when you have work, when you have to show up for your teammates, when you have to show up for your friends and your family, you have to sometimes do stuff that you don't want to do for the good of all. And that's teaching.
teaching your child compassion and kindness. That's why you, I think, you have to encourage a child to continue to do stuff. I don't know about my parents. Now, Ellie says that they were proper libertarians, but I can't really remember because to me, like they were just at work all the time. So I don't really know. I mean, they were really strict about some things I know for school and stuff. But when it came to extracurriculars, I don't think they cared. OK, someone said doing swimming as my sport that I was forced to do helps me have an identity through the awkward teenage years and definitely kept me out of trouble.
I attribute heavy sport to the best parts of my life well after my swimming was over. It spurred my love of movement and my self-confidence and I'm thankful they gave me that. I swam for about 10 years and stopped when I finished school. I'm now 35 and want to give the same thing to my child. Oh, that's really nice. My parents were very lax and hands-off to a fault. If I wanted to start slash quit something, they didn't argue, but I wish they did now. Well, I'm glad I tried everything...
Sorry, it's so funny. What?
So I need to know more about this. So I wish my parents gave me more guidance by being more stern with me in that sense. And I wish they helped show me that situation wasn't healthy. This is the next person. My parents kind of forced me into scouts and it was the best thing ever. Taught me so much independence and real life skills. I'd love to know more about scouts because you don't really hear about it.
I had a friend who went to Scouts and I went, I did Scouts with her when I was six at the time and I did it with her for a period because she was doing it. And that was a time, now I told the story on TikTok, but that was one of the times where I pissed myself in front of loads of people. So I quit that one, obviously after that mortifying incident and I never went back again, but I never did the like Scouts thing where I was able to learn
survival skills and how to tie a knot like there was none of that none of that I remember anyway all I remember is the patches and doing charitable things and we had this sash and we'd get patches for doing charitable things which is still a good lesson I mean it sounds great independence and real life skills cooking organization travel and I made so many friends and I massively helped my social skills I genuinely don't think I'd be the person I am today without it
Also, weirdly, I think it helps that it's not cool because you become a lot more open-minded and don't always go with the flow. I've had friends tell me they wish their parents had made them do it. Also, I actually travelled to Japan with it when I was 16, which is off sick. I love that. Also, more pluses. It's a weekly thing, so that helps with discipline. We did loads for charity. As a young girl, it empowered me hugely. I ended up on the radio and talking in front of crowds loads. Big up confidence in public speaking. I love that. Sorry, she did great.
And generally just good for toughening up in a healthy way because the camps are extremely fun but not very glamorous lol. This is one about ballet because I was dying to hear from people who went to ballet because...
The culture around ballerinas is so strict, I mean, and it's all encompassing because it's a lot to do with physique and it can lead to a lot of issues, I know. So I wanted to hear from a ballerina, but I see ballet in this one. Hello, I'm 24 and from the age of 3 slash 4 to 18, I went to ballet classes and ended up going four or five times a week. Now, I know from a lot of the, as well,
in school I was always jealous of the Irish dancing girls specifically the ones that went to the same stage school as me because they were all so flexible and they used to get up I remember at 6 in the morning and it was usually groups of sisters
And I think again, I had a fantasy in my head where I wanted me and my sisters to go to Irish dancing together before school. It was like literally 6am classes before you went to school. They were all so fit, so flexible, had so many friends. They were all so, it was like a family. Such good self-discipline. They always did really well in school, really sociable, really confident. And I just felt like a...
because I was in stage school but I wasn't going to 6am Irish dancing class. I was talking to one of my friends as well and she says she credits a lot of her pelvic floor issues to do with Irish dancing because you have to clench the whole time. Your poor vagina. It's clenching so hard. Gorilla grip. Anyway, sorry. I'm going to continue. Now, I look... Sorry. Getting dressed up in the outfit, being surrounded by a room full of women that want to dance...
was just it really really healed a part of me I honestly can't pinpoint where that dedication or commitment came from but I definitely owe a lot to the community where I did lessons they were very inclusive and were in it for the right reasons however I always remember my parents not talking to me or my sister about work if it was a bad day or good etc I just know they went every day no matter what they modeled amazing discipline I will say when I was a bit older into my teens they made me aware of the privilege of lessons
were so the cost of lessons etc this made me appreciate what I was committing to and although by this point I was very dedicated to dancing it made me have an awareness this was the only push factor from then they never put pressure on me to dedicate myself to it this was done organically through a love of dancing built through cultural exposure and finding the best facilitators okay so there it was more so the environment that she was in so the other dancers and the teachers that encourage her to keep doing it rather than from her
guidance but the support obviously was still there my dad emotionally forced me to continue a sport that I really didn't enjoy by guilting me and telling me it'd be such a waste of my talent etc and just seemed so disappointed whenever I say I didn't want to my mum on the other hand knew I was good and supported me and would
Take me to my competitions/practices etc. But always listen to me when I express my feelings of not enjoying it. She gave me strength to finally stand up to my dad and stop. My dad showed this side of himself again when I dropped out of uni. Didn't speak to me for a week or two after I left. We lived in the same house. Oh my god, that's horrible.
He clearly put my worth on my accomplishments and future prospects and it is why we do not get along. My mum, on the other hand, is supportive and a great listener. I wish my feelings were listened to and valued more. It might have made me see my own value more. Oh, that's horrible. I had a phase where I really wanted to quit the violin and honestly there were endless fights between me and my mum and now I've played in the National Youth Orchestra and made loads of friends through it and I truly love it. So I'm glad she didn't let me quit.
But like she would have literally just made me practice, like said no TV until you've practiced or whatever. Someone said so grateful that my parents made me learn to play piano as a kid, but I hated it growing up. I would encourage maybe seeing what your child gravitates to naturally and encouraging that in a way that makes it feel like it's their idea. Kind of like inceptioning them, if that makes sense. Parents didn't make me do anything, but were very disinterested. So most of the skills I have come came from trying to get their attention. Oh.
Happy about that. Jack of all trades but master of none. But have problems in doing things for myself and not for attention now that I'm an adult. Aww. Aww.
We've all been there for the approval. Like if your parents aren't giving it to you. They instilled hard work through sports. At the time, I hated how I had to swim every night or when I had to go to training. It depends on who you are, but I'm grateful for this. I do feel as though it instilled perseverance and pushing yourself even when it's hard. I always forced to do some kind of physical activity and some kind of creative thing. I hated sports, so I ended up dancing, which I loved. And I was made to learn guitar, which I hated at the time. But now I regret not sticking to it because it would have been so much better now if I had been consistent.
I'm definitely grateful for being made do things but still having room to decide what I really enjoyed. Another person, I think it's about balance. It's good to push slash encourage when the child is maybe lacking motivation or drive. However, it is something they just genuinely don't enjoy
then it's good to actually just encourage them to find something else they might be passionate about. Someone said, I did basically every sport and as soon as I was like, oh, don't want to go this week, they were like, okay, don't. And it meant I stuck to nothing. Again, this is like the permissive libertarian. My dad said it was because his parents forced him as a child and he didn't want that for his own kids. But I just think he couldn't have been arsed bringing me here or there and everywhere. Now I have my own son, I'll definitely encourage him to stick out what he's doing for the season slash term and then make a decision. Okay, another person said,
For studying, though, we had huge arguments.
My parents had the idea that I would sit nine to five studying, but my then undiagnosed ADHD physically couldn't do that. They thought I was being lazy and not caring, whereas I was studying in my own way, like incorporating into music and listening to the subjects on walks. I think it's a lot about trusting kids and allowing them to explore different ways of working and what works best for them.
My parents let me try lots of different instruments and sports as a kid but never really pushed me to practice. I wish they'd been a bit more pushy with learning an instrument. As a child I didn't understand the benefit of it but I would love to be able to play now. My parents got me into playing the flute. It was my first time playing the flute.
was my choice of instrument. That's so cute. And after a couple of years, I really couldn't be bothered with it anymore. But I'm so glad my parents pushed me to carry on with this, even though I started to hate it because now I can play to a high standard and I feel like learning an instrument is so good for your brain and skill set. Liked playing GAA once upon a time, then hated it.
And they would force me to go every week so they could still be a part of the community. Literally so horrendous. I think the best way to make kids work hard is to let them know they could have a great future or be glad they know the skill they're practicing. But obviously only if they like it. Another one now. I was involved in both team and individual sports slash hobbies growing up and I'm so grateful for it. I gained great independence through my individual sports while being able to work well with others from doing team sports too. Great way to keep children from falling in with a bad crowd. I was forced to play tennis from age...
Three. What? What? Can three-year-olds play tennis? I'm 22 now and if I move anywhere new, joining a tennis club is such an easy way to meet new people. That's for sure. I've had this pull, but I don't know if it's like this, you know, just wanting to be a yummy mummy. I don't know if it was like the yummy mummy in me that was like, I need to join a tennis club, but there was something burning inside of me that was pushing me towards tennis.
Now, maybe not anymore. I did try tennis as a child. I was terrible, obviously. But I would just be so hot to be able... And I'd love to go to Wimbledon as well. I've always wanted to go to one of those...
I just think it would be so fun. I did a ton of sports and dancing from like four till I was 17/18 and while I'm so glad I was part of a team and made friends, etc. I would be guilted into doing matches, training, even if I was super tired or sick because I'd be letting the team down or they need you there. And while I think it was a deflection or whatever on how my mother was spoken to as a child, it didn't help at all and I have a bit of resentment towards it and now feel like if I'm even the slightest bit not in the mood for something, I simply won't do it because since I never got the opportunity when I was small.
My parents encouraged me to participate in a ton of activities as a child. Music, singing, football, running, etc. They basically threw activities at me to see what stuck.
Okay, someone said,
and paying £25 a week rent. She was very strict, a dairy woman, I love that. But since then, I've never not worked. Always paid everything myself, rent, phone, food, since I've been 15. And that attitude has migrated into my school studies. I did Irish dancing for 16... It's always the Irish dancers. I'm telling you, just something about Irish dancers, their work ethic is insane. I did Irish dancing for 16 years and that was good too, but it was an obsession of mine.
Oh, okay. So this is a perspective of a mammy. She says...
Which I think is important with a lot of extracurricular bits. But as a mum of twins, 12 and an almost 8-year-old, I do regret when the twins were 3, 4, 5, bringing them to all those little Saturday morning classes, music classes, gymnastics, etc. COVID didn't allow me to do it with my 8-year-old and he was at none of the loss of it. 5, 6, 7...
I didn't know the kids could start things as a three-year-old. That does seem real extreme.
I mean, it would be so cute. But can three-year-olds take direction? Like, I can't imagine a three-year-old doing a full dance routine. It would just be so funny. Or playing in a... Three-year-olds, like, trying to play a gamut. It's bad enough. I went once when my sister was about six or seven. No, I'd say she was six. This was about two years ago. And it was atrocious trying to watch these little kids.
Trying to watch these little kids play a match like if they were...
woeful it was terrible they didn't know which goal it was going in you know what I mean so I mean I guess it's fun though to like run around and kick a ball okay my parents forced me to do an instrument and as much as I piss me off I'm so grateful they did sports I feel like has the opposite effect because unless the kid loves it it requires at least for me a lot of self-discipline and being hard on slash nasty to myself which I don't think is really necessary when you're young instruments slash language
languages etc are actually just really useful low pressure skills which anyone would be grateful for later in life oh yeah okay that's interesting okay my mother made me do Irish dancing for 14 years and in a way I'm grateful for the skills and discipline it taught me but I think there is a fine line between implementing and encouraging it and going too far and forcing a child to do things against their will oh my god I think it was great
It was a great learning experience as a child, but I do think forcing it and pushing it too much does more harm than good. Anyway, to finish this off, I read this book on how to raise successful people. And it was saying how in modern day, there's such a heavy reliance or focus on trying to get your kids to be
deemed as successful rather than kind, compassionate and respectful. Children, as a byproduct of that, children are feeling much more pressure. And that's also such a heavy weight to be put on kids that your parents think that if you're not successful in their eyes, that you won't be as loved as much, which I do think contributes to it.
all the huge array of mental health issues that children are suffering with today. I mean, anxiety disorders and ADHD and all these other things. I kind of understand where parents are coming from because I think before I had my own children, I would have seen that as like, well, obviously you have to set them up for the real world. They have to be able to work and make money. Otherwise, what are they going to do? And I do think
self-discipline and success and all these other things, resilience, it is such an important skill to teach your children. But there also is a balance with everything. Without encouraging the other aspects of your life, like...
happiness and being grateful, kindness and compassion, you're not getting a holistic childhood experience and you won't be brought up in a fully well-rounded way. It goes in ebbs and flows, I think, with different generations parenting their children. I think at some stage, I'd say all our children would be the experts at parenting, whereas at the moment, we're still kind of learning things
how to do things there obviously are such huge benefits to having a kind and compassionate child and to be grateful for example like putting things into perspective for a child teaching them to be grateful for the things that they have does play a huge role in their happiness and it's been proven to beat depression have a higher level of satisfaction in your life fulfillment and more optimism which I think we all want for kids
don't we? I can see some people being like, no, why would I care about that? But it is so imperative to teach your children that being kind and compassionate is just as important as being successful. If you only teach the latter, they will...
do anything to get ahead of other people and that's not looking at the good of all of the community it's only looking at and I think obviously buzzword incoming obviously because we're capital in a capitalist society um heavy reliance on individualism each family is probably only thinking about themselves and that's not bad like I mean it's really it is really difficult at the moment especially the cost of living crisis as well people are in a state of
So they do want to get ahead and their family to get ahead. But in the long run, that's not looking at the good of everyone and the community and all of us as a whole. I'd love to know what extracurriculars, if you had your own kids or people do have their own kids, is there an extracurricular that you would pick that they do have to do?
So like I said with the swimming, just until she learns how to swim, first aid and some sort of self-defense. But that's not something that she has to keep up. It's just like until she's proficient at whatever the skill is and then to let her explore whatever else she wants to do. I'm interested to see what everyone else has to say. Love you.