What Happened In Vegas w/ Dax Flame
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Church's original recipe is back. You can never go wrong with original. Still tastes the same like back in the day. Right now get two pieces of chicken starting at only $2.99 or ten pieces starting at only $10.99. Church's. Offer valid at participating locations. Pressure on it like we gotta start out strong. Let's start off weak. Okay. Let's start off very weak. Can I say something? Oh God. You want to open the show? No, I just want to ask you a question.

Okay, I love questions. Yeah, go ahead. I didn't know you weren't on the same list as OJ Simpson. You made a list this past weekend. You and OJ Simpson share. I know, but we can't talk about the legal aid he told me. What do you mean? Well, we started weak. Okay. All right. You two are best. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

I'm sorry. Yeah, let's move on to something else. Oh, it's bull. It brings up so much bull. Oh, just bring up all my trauma.

Yeah, let's talk about how my dad beat me again. God. Well, let's talk about- Let's talk about what? Who's in the studio today. It's John, Stone John. Stoney John. Stoney John, and he's here, Joint John, John the Joint Man. He's here because Carlos and McCone both got the flu in Vegas. And when Asians get high, their eyes are completely closed. It's unbelievable. How do you drive? Like-

How do you do that? Oh, my God. A stoned Asian driving? You drive better? Yeah. Wide screen. A stoned Asian driving? No, thanks. Yeah. That's a pass for me. I love stony Asians. You drive better? But, dude, have you ever seen a meth Asian? They clip the fuck out of bonsai trees. Oh, my God. Better than Mr. Miyagi. Way better. Really? Yeah. You don't know that? That fact? I'm not around a lot of meth Asians. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, dude, imagine if you had meth back in the samurai days. Wow. One samurai just going crazy. He'd make a sword in like five minutes. You know, it used to take them forever to like... Five minutes, yeah. Yeah. A sword? Yeah. He would cut himself, right? It would turn into a scab and then he would just pull it out and eat it. Because meth people... Okay. Meth people, they eat... Also, can I say something about... Was there meth back then? I don't know. When was crystal meth invented?

Well, I mean, look, we had to have some form of this. There had to have been some form. Floating around, right? Yeah. Well, there's methamphetamine has probably been around for a long time. That chemical makeup of methamphetamine. It's all science, isn't it? It's all science. Yeah, yeah. You know, if I had a time machine, I would take fentanyl. Hmm. No, just hear me out. Loads of it. What era are you going back to? 17th century.

You're going to go back to the 17th century? What is that? Is that far? Is that far? That's us. What do you mean? How far? When is it? I mean, America was still around, right? No, that wasn't. Declaration of Independence. That's 1800, right? No, 1773. 1776. I got 1776. What? Wait, wait, wait. An Asian Korean guy with a bag of fentanyl. But what century? From a time... What century is 1776? The 17th century. Okay.

No, it's not. Is it 20th century? 18th century? It's just one more up. 20th century. 19th century. It's the 18th. You already said it. 18th. 18th century. Oh, the 1876. 18th century. Am I bad? In 7076, you're going back to the back. You said 1776. That's 17th century, no? No. Okay, my bad. Zero to 99 is what. History, man. That's not history. That's math. Anyway, I show up.

Whatever. Hey. No, shut up. Time machines have a button. Yeah, so I go, one, seven, seven, six, right? I'm sorry. Your fingers are too fat for the machine. No. And I go, go get the flux capacitor. Right? To Marty. Yeah. Marty runs up. Okay, boss. Okay, boss. Right? Stick it in there. Get the electricity. Is it raining yet? No.

Right? It's got to rain, right? It's got to rain. Right. I got to bring it to 89. Right? Put the fennel in. The fennel's in. Now I'm 1776 and I'm in Bakersfield. Doesn't exist yet. I know, but I'm there. Well, it's okay. It's you and natives then. Exactly. I get them hooked first. Oh. Dude. You're doing what we did last time. Yeah. No. Just doing it again. But I'll hook. Am I going to get in trouble for saying this? History really does repeat itself. It does. Yeah. I'm not giving them smallpox.

Something way worse? Yeah, yeah. Fentanyl. Oh, that's true. No, I should go East Coast. Boston. Boston. Okay, stay in Boston. The tea party. The tea party. Dude, tea and fentanyl? We don't even know what that combo does. That's a great combo. There should be a fucking little shop in France that has fentanyl and tea. Anyway, my point is- Do you like tea with your fentanyl? Yeah.

Yeah. Have green tea with your fentanyl? And then you would make a killing because they've never heard of opiates. Yeah, but money is worthless then. It's worth less then. Yeah, but you get like gold teeth. Oh, you could get gold. They trade, right? Gold teeth, a wooden leg. Uh-huh. You want some fentanyl? Give me your gold tooth, wooden leg, and one of those feathery pens.

You can get those anywhere. I know, but from... If you went to a bank back then, did their pens attached to chains have feathers on them still? That'd be so funny if you stole one of the feathery pens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sir, that's not your feathery pen. That belongs to the bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I thought about? I would go back in time with heavy artillery, like real guns. Real guns. Before they had it. Back to the gold rush days and just rob everybody. They had guns then. Yeah, not like I'm... We have fucking... I could have an AR-15. I could have a bazooka. Yeah. Give us your gold! Give us your gold! Load it!

Right. Think about it, dude. Dude. If we could go back and rob anything or anywhere. I mean, obviously you'd want to rob Fort Knox, right? That's the ultimate goal. Do you know what that is? Of course I know what Fort Knox is. What century is that one in? We still have it. That's right. What is it? It's where they put the money. That's where they put the money. The gold bars. And we know that's not true. It's not true? But that's in folklore. That's where they keep alien bodies, in my opinion. I think Fort Knox is filled with...

top secret shit we're not supposed to get to. Because everyone thinks it's an Area 51. No thank you. I think it's a Studio 76. Studio City? Studio 76? Studio 54? Studio 54. Studio 54. Is it Studio 54 where they have the fucking aliens? Yeah. No, is it? No, what is it? Area 51.

Oh, I always, oh my God. I've told, I've used Studio 54 in reference to aliens before in conversations. I know. Thinking it's the same thing. And people have been looking, I remember people going, what are you talking about? I'm telling you, it's in Arizona. They go, it's in New York. They should have opened up a Studio 51 in Area 51. A coked out nightclub to see aliens. Dude, look at this guy's arms. Yeah.

You know, I saw the other day on TikTok too, by the way, someone was dissecting how we think dinosaurs look a certain way. And she was like, I'm a biologist. And she was like, this doesn't even make sense. The way that they've thought dinosaurs look or the way we draw them, it's basically skin on bone. She's like, that's not, there's tons of cartilage and fat and all sorts of stuff and muscle. She was like, a dinosaur is basically the shape of the bone structure with a little bit of

you know, outlining. She goes, but look at your nose. If you remove your nose from your face, it's a fucking hole. So this is just all cartilage. But they didn't account for like random pieces of things sticking off of the dinosaur. So she's like, they didn't look anything like that. Oh, what you're saying is like... We've just guessed what we think that she... They have big noses? Is that what you're saying? What did you just say? Do they have big noses? There's Jewish dinosaurs? There was! LAUGHTER

There was. You know we'll be extinct someday. And how do they hold the money? Little hands. Little hands. Can we get in trouble? You can. Yeah. Can we get cut out? Yes. No. Stacey's Jewish. Do you approve? Are you Jewish, Stacey? I am. Do you approve? She approves. She approves. See? Yeah. It's all in good fun. It's all in good fun. Look, if there was Asian dinosaurs, let's do that then. If you want to go down the line. Oh, what do you mean?

Aurora. By the way, an Asian, just Asian-eyed dinosaur is so funny to me. That's such a funny. And their nails are immaculate. Yeah, it's so nice. Look, Aurora. The Vietnamese did this all for me. When they swipe the prey and they're in their hands, they're like, wow. Beautiful nails. Wow. Asian dinosaurs.

We lost a couple of our employees over the weekend in Vegas getting too sick. These guys stayed out all night. You should see. We got them passes to the Chainsmokers. McCone was up next to the stage. He was wearing a mechanics uniform, by the way. They let him into a nightclub. He was wearing a mechanics onesie, like a one zip up. McCone was. Yeah. I didn't even know that. And Carlos was a good boy. I didn't know that was even a Chainsmoker thing. The Chainsmokers in Vegas, you did know we were going to see the Chainsmokers. We literally said it 50 times.

Nope. Everyone in the room has proof. I was in my hotel room. No, dude, you were in the room with Shay Mitosh and what's the other gentleman's name that you brought? Oh my God, that was a nut. Okay, so I'm going to just say something. I apologize for. May I apologize for something? Fucking please. So first of all, Vegas, great show.

In fact, I mean, I don't think the MGM liked me, but... We can't wait to go back to the MGM. You can't. You can't wait. I can't wait. Yeah, yeah. I can't go. You have to wait. I have to wait. So, um...

So, you know, afterwards, it's our last U.S. show. You know what I mean? We may do more in the future. 59 cities is what I think they tallied up. 59 cities. It's crazy. Great show. Afterwards, everyone came out. I had some friends from Vegas. Shama. Tosh, who's a comedian who I used to room with in L.A. 30 years ago. You know what I mean? She came by. She was rad. So nice. Yeah, she opens for Carrot Top. She's a great impressionist. My point being is this, okay?

You have your family there. We have also, you know who I love? The fucking Watchmakers family. Christine. I talked to her for like 20 minutes. Well, she's not a Watchmaker. She sells them. Just call her a Watchmaker. It makes it better. Watchmaker, Watchmaker, make me a watch. I feel like she has one of those little things and she's in there. Well, they definitely have one of those things. Okay, okay.

What are those little things like that? You know what they're called? What? Drop glops. So they have a drop glop? Yeah. Anyway, families, kids running around. Beautiful, right? Yeah. But then a week before, Paulie was like, dude, my friend wants to go. Paulie hit you up? Yeah. And I go, all right, who's your friend? I can't, right? Beautiful woman. So I'll get her backstage, right? No, you got her backstage. I got her backstage. So as soon as I...

She's a nice lady. She was very nice. Very nice lady. But she did something where she was like, I'm going to hear it from, I know she has my number, I'm going to hear it from her. Well, let's hear it now. She was just like, who does this?

Cocaine anyone? Well, that's actually really polite. Oh, that's true. But off of your finger? Finger nail or finger? Was there a fingernail? It was almost, her finger was so sweaty, it was like blotched on. Oh, wow. It surrounded her pinky, the cocaine. If she waits a couple of minutes, she's like, crack anybody? Solidifies. Yeah, yeah.

And people are like, oh, no, thanks. Like, I've never, I don't know. Have you been offered cocaine before? Yeah, what the fuck? I've never been offered cocaine because maybe I'm sober. You're sober. Oh, that's right. I mean, I don't do cocaine. Everyone who knows me knows that, but I wouldn't, I've been offered it still from people. When's the last time you did cocaine? I've never done cocaine. Do you not know this? My father went to prison because he had a cocaine addiction. But one time, I mean, you have to be curious. I've never done cocaine. Well, my dad liked this stuff. Maybe I like it, you know. I met him. He's a great guy.

You did? When did you? Oh, in Chicago. Yeah. Great guy. No, no. He loved cocaine. He loved it. You've never done anything white in your nose? Except for women. Oh. In my nose? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In my nose? Yeah.

I don't think I've ever snorted anything. I think, I mean, I've eaten stuff. I mean, pills and all that bullshit. Would you, you never smoked crack? That's not snorting. I don't think I've smoked crack, no. I'm thinking about it. Well, do you think, I'm so. I'll tell you what I did one time, like a fucking moron. What? You know how the hookahs, you know, smoking hookah? You know how they put like the charcoal thing on there? One time I smoked some of that. Like the dumbest, I was like 17 years old. I think I smoked.

I think I smoked the charcoal nugget. So bad. We didn't know how to use it. What do I, I'm not a desert dude. So I, I just want to say I had to try to get her out of there. It was very polite of her to offer cocaine. I do think if you're at a party and you have cocaine, you should offer it. You do? You're supposed to. It's a party. It's a party drug. Yeah. It's not a solo drug. I think, but you know, being a sober guy, I just can't hook up with cokey coke people. Heroin feels like a solo drug.

Oh, so she said, if she went, anybody want to tie off? That would be crazy. That would be out of pocket. Would you hold the rope if she was like, will you hold this? If she was hot, like super hot. Hold the rope. And you're always going to get some action. Hold the line. I'd hold the rope. I don't think you should hook up with anybody who is currently using. No, clearly. To me. You're saying that to me? Yes. Who else am I talking to? Why not?

What? Why don't I think you should hook up with someone who's currently using drugs? No, why not? It's detrimental to you and the program. Well, people drink around me. I don't care. People barely drink around you. No. In fact, we don't drink around you much. I don't almost ever drink around you. Well, you should because it doesn't affect me. Yeah, but I do it out of respect because I don't, and I also don't need to enough to do it in front of you. I don't care. Dude, I dated a girl a month ago. She goes, can I smoke weed in your car? I go, yeah, smoke. Yeah, I don't know why you do that. I don't give a fuck. No, you should not. Yeah, yeah. You're hot. Go smoke.

My friend Joey? No, don't smoke. I'm sober. Hot chick? Do whatever you want. You know what I mean? It'd be so funny if you pulled over, made her smoke weed outside, then get back in. Get out, then get in. I don't think you should date people that are using drugs actively. Okay. It's just my opinion. I might be wrong. What would the program say? There's nothing in the program that says that. Is there something in the program that says in the first year or so to not date someone in the program? Isn't that a whole thing? Well, it's not in the book, but it's kind of like one of those...

They say do not get in a relationship within the first year of sobriety. Right. Any relationship. Well, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like you wait 12 months. And then you can dabble. You can dabble. And like if I was a – if I had a sponsee who's sober, new, sober, and I said – he goes, can I date? I go, yeah. And then at 12 months, I would probably go, but no one in the program probably. Yeah.

That's a healthy thing, I think. No, you see a lot of it work, but it's like the worst is when you're dating somebody and you fall in love in the program and the next thing you know, you find that they relapsed. Wow. Right? What do you do? You relapse? No, you... Party time? No, you... It's hard, man. You have to first... Because it's a disease, so you can't just go, I'm out.

You got to go, can we figure this out? Do you need to go somewhere? You want to help them. Because I can't live, you know what I mean, like this. Because then you become an enabler. Yeah. And that's just a completely different program, you know? So it's like...

I think you would do like a little intervention and then... I think a lot of people I've known in my life who have gone through that have had that predicament where they have to... They're put in a position where someone that they're in love with or friends with or family that they're using and they used to use and then they have to walk them slowly back to not using. But then you compromise your own safety and security. Yeah. But that is a cool thing to do. Yeah. But it's also very dangerous for you. Yeah. Ergo, I don't think you should be dating anybody who's currently using. Ergo...

What? Ergo. Ergo. You shouldn't. I'm making a good point, Your Honor. Ergo. Ergo. It's a new Air Bud movie. It's with... No, what is it? I've literally never heard of that. You'll have to see it in The Matrix. Ergo. Ergo. Okay. What does it mean, though? Do you know what ergo means? Yeah. It means therefore. It's like... Fuck, man. And to summarize... Wow. I know. I was an English minor. You were, yeah. You're good with words.

No, I'm literally, honestly, dude, I really got stuck on Ergo. Yeah, I saw your face. Yeah, once you said that, it put me into a completely different panic. I think you thought it was from Star Trek, Deep Space Nine. Yeah, I was thinking, where have I heard that before? But then, like, in the context of what you said, I'm trying to figure out why that... You're like, what episode did Ergo pop in? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, I'm Ergo. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Okay, well, you learn something new every day. Hospitality. You know what that is, I feel like. Two weeks, I found out. You just learned what hospitality means? That has nothing to do with hospitals. You know what I mean? No, it doesn't have to do with hospitals. I know that now. But I never bothered to memorize the word hospitality because of the fact that I- At 52 years old? So when I say the phrase hospo, what do you think I was talking about? What?

It's like ergo. I just kind of let it go. You let it go? All these years. It's like if someone says baseballio. You know what I mean? Like I was being baseballio, right? And in your mind you're like, it has something to do with baseball, so I'm not going to memorize that. But it's not at all. I know. To be baseballio.

It means to be rude to someone below you. Right. Right. I know that now. Do not be spolio someone. I will not be spolio you. You know what I mean? Okay, good. But like hospitality was one of those where I just, you know, because the word hospital's in it. Oh, I'm not a nurse. I don't need to memorize that word. But then once I figure it out, right, I'm like, oh, it's a part of, you know what I mean? Wheelhouse of words now I can use. It's so funny that he goes on a date with a nurse and he's like, so you work in hospitality? Yeah.

And she's like, I know that's what I would. Kind of. Not really, but kind of. I know that's what I honestly, that's what I would. But a nurse does work in hospitality. I know. In a way. Right. Like Andres's wife works kind of. And I, by the way, I ran into them having lunch. Yeah. Cutest shit on earth.

Who? Him and his wife. Yeah, yeah. His wife is fucking beautiful. She's beautiful. Smart and sweet and cool. And she fucks that guy. Yeah, I know. It shocks my soul. Yeah. When I see her, it almost makes me mad. Well, actually, it makes me believe in God because something else has to be going on. Well, no. I think here's what it is. And I don't know much about their relationship, but this is what happened.

Your wife, beautiful woman. You know, he asked her to be in his movie in Spain too, by the way. I know. He won't let it go. Okay. Yeah, we're not doing it. But my point is, your wife, let me just guess, through her years, she dated hot dudes. Let me finish. Are you projecting? Whoa. He's starting a war. Be careful, buddy. Let me ask you something.

Do you want me in your movie? I didn't say anything. No, no, no. My wife dated hot dudes, yes. Okay. And these hot dudes, fuck.

fucked her over. I mean, she went on their messages. You know what I mean? There's fucking messages from motherfucking. A lot of pro athletes. Right, right, right, right. You know what I mean? There's a lot going on. Her heart's broken year after year. Probably 80 dudes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Over the years. The Clippers a couple years ago. Broken, broken. My heart broke. The entire Clipper team. The Clipper team. And the Clipper girls. Right. And then she goes to therapy or something and the therapist said, well, why don't you just go low?

Go real low. Yeah, go real low. She's like, how low? And they go, did you see the new J.J. Abrams Star Wars? What's so funny? You know what I mean? And she's like, I guess. Should I rant at it? And she's like, no, no, I'm just going to tell you, there is an animal in there called the porg. And there are these flying birds and Chewbacca eats one. Yeah. Right? Right.

There are so many humans with that body. And scientifically, they don't get, you know what I mean? They don't fuck people over. Right. Because they can't. Marry a porg. Marry a porg. That she did. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing, dude? I'm doing a show right now. I'm looking for it. The TV's off anyway. The TV's off. You guys are fucked. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Is that what happened?

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Hey, everybody. We're doing a Bad Friends live show. It's called Scary Times USA. Scary Time USA. And how do you watch it? Go to moment.co slash badfriends. It's Thursday, October 24th at 6 p.m. We're going to have exclusive merch available for it. So Bad Friends Scary Time USA. Hey, dude. America, dude.

Yeah, live stream. October 24th at 6 p.m. PST. We're live streaming it. So join us at moment.co slash bad friends. We'll also be hosting an interactive VIP after party after the show and active patron members can join the VIP after party for free. Scary times USA. I'll tell you, speaking of going low. Yeah.

Today I saw a basset hound. Must have been, how old was that basset hound, do we think? What did we say? Maybe 15? How old do they live? I don't even know. But it was so old, but he kept his balls in the basset hound because you know how they're low to the ground. They're long but low. His balls were literally dragging on the ground. Like Joey Diaz. Yeah. They were dragging. Yeah, cocksucker. Yeah.

Bark, bark, suck sucker. They were dragging on the ground. I'm not even kidding. They swayed back and forth and they were hitting the concrete. You like that? I thought it was cool. I think it's pretty cool. I think it's cool that he kept the balls of the dog because I will say this, one of the biggest regrets in my life. I'm not kidding.

Is that we nipped up our dog. I wish that she could have puppies, and I'm bummed that we did. I wish we let her have puppies. You can reverse it. No, you can't. They can do it with men. It's not the thing. It's a male dog. It's not a vasectomy. Oh, it's a woman.

Yeah, man. Okay, my bad. You know it's a woman. A little tiny strong black woman. Yeah, a black woman. That's right. In my house, I have a little tiny hairy strong black woman. So she can't have babies? Mm-mm. That's what I say when I ask her. All right. I say, Cubby, can you have a baby? She goes, mm-mm.

Not after what you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you can reverse it, what do you do? You better get away from me with that shit. That's what she said. You go to a dog park and just go, go, go, go. No. Here's a beautiful little dress. Well, first of all, I put her in a little dress. Yeah, yeah. I give her a little bit of smell good perfume. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she walks on little doggy heels. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And then I set her up. We find someone. We find another dog that's applicable. Yeah. No, I wish we did be able to get her puppies. It kind of bums me out. I like to this day, I'm like, why did we fucking do that? Well, let me say something to you. Well, I didn't want her to get her doggy period. I got one thing better than you. Hmm. Both for you, I mean. I mean. God, you get so Chinese in these moments. Ergo. Ergo. Ergo. Ergo. Hospitality. Hospitality. Guess what, guy? What? Don't do this. Well, speed it up. I will. I will.

You know the clone? How much does a clone cost? Because we talked about this. You can do it now. I can clone my dog for like what? How much is it? 15 grand? 15 grand now. Clone, dude. Should we do it? I mean, I honestly, let's do an experiment to see if it works. To clone one of our dogs? Yeah. I would 100% be into it. What do you guys think? Let's clone a dog. It costs $50,000. Five zero? Dude, what happened to your voice, Barry White? What the fuck is...

It costs $50,000. Why is your voice like that? I just had a flat in my throat. Okay, okay. Clear your throat right now. All right, now say how much it costs. $50,000. Yeah. Will you say it like an Asian guy though, please? $50,000. No, no. They wouldn't say dollars, would they? What would they say? Dollar. Yeah. Dollar. $50,000. Thank you. 50 grand. That's still... That's a lot of fucking money, dude. 50 grand? That's a fucking car.

I know, but this is what I would do. And 35 grand it says for cats. This is what we're going to do. We do one, this is a couple months down the road. We do one special night at the Irvine Improv. We do two shows on a Sunday, you and I. And it's charity all for our dogs? To clone one dog. Okay. I think we can make it up then.

I mean. And then we clone it. So we have people donate during the show, not the ticket sales, but donate. No, the ticket sales goes toward it. Okay. So we ask the club for all the ticket sales because it's going to go towards the dog. The cloning of a dog. Good idea. Yeah. I think it's a great idea. Are you being sarcastic? Because sometimes I feel like you're not. I am. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very much so. Don't. Yeah. Very much not. No, very much so. Very much don't do. Ergo, fuck you. Hospitality, fuck you. Okay. Even if you didn't get it out, it still is funny. Hospitality, fuck you.

So anyway, yeah, so we were talking about something before all this rant. But let me say this. I tried to make Matchmaker the other night at the comedy store. You go from topic to topic. My mind is... I'm brilliant. You are brilliant. Thanks. I tried to play Matchmaker at the comedy store the other night, and dude, I thought it was good. Wasn't it? Didn't it seem like it was going good? So I had cash in my pocket. I offered them all the cash in my pocket. What's Matchmaker? Matchmaker.

What's hospitality? What's matchmaking? You try to match two people together. God bless. Yeah. Who though? Give me that information in the audience. I'm getting there. Oh, so you're in. Oh, so anyone listening, they get it already. Okay. Go ahead. Two people in the front row of the store. And, and, and he was like a young, handsome kid. She was a good looking chick. And I talked, just looked at him. He was wearing like a weird shirt. And then I said, uh, who is this to you?

And he's like, we don't know each other. They sat us together. We're singles. And I was like, well, let's, I mean, let's make love. Let's look, find love tonight. Let's see attractive. They both were fantastic. He was in the military. Good.

That face was really funny. No, I just... You went like this. Good. No. Don't get it wrong and you're reading it wrong. Am I? Well, then play the tape back. No, play the tape back and you'll see this. What branch? That's what that face was. That's not what you said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say it again. He was in the military. What branch? I get it. Curious. Marine. Could be a Navy site. Marine Corps. Beautiful. Yeah.

And I said to her, I said, where do you live? She says, Orange County. He lives in San Diego. I said, this is right near each other. And then I said, I'll give you the money in my pocket to go on a date. Didn't I say this? I had a bunch of money in my pocket. I was ready to do it. And I said, I'm going to do this if you're really genuinely going to go on a date. And she went like this. And then they sat next to each other for the rest of the show. But then you read him wrong. No, no, no, no, no. He was into it.

No. She didn't seem like she wasn't. I know you're not. Can I just go one real quickly? Our friend is not on camera and she's thumbsing me up. Yeah. So Stacy, could I just ask one question? Go ahead. Was he hot? He had a great body. Great. Good enough. But he was handsome. He wasn't hot. He was a handsome kid and she was good looking. By the way, they were in the same league. Oh, you know about leagues. They were both. Yeah. You know, they both were in. What league am I in?

League of his own Yeah, League of his own Yeah, with you there is crying in baseball Yeah, yeah You kind of look like Rosie O'Donnell now that I think about it Well, don't lead me to water You don't want me to drink it You're the kid from the sandlot Which one? The fat one Oh, fuck you He's a lawyer now, I think He's married to my ex-girlfriend Oh, that's right Patrick Renna, right? Yeah

He's killing it. No, that's you. That looks just like you. I'm Madonna. If we did this again, that'd be you and I'd be Madonna. Oh, if you're... Okay. Yeah. Oh, they should do an Ocean's Eleven but like reverse and do that with that movie and then Amen.

They did Ocean's Eleven. It was all men. No, but they did a women version of that. Yeah, they did Ocean's, what was it? 13 or something? Ocean's Eight. Yeah. It had to be a little less. Yeah, but they do all male. A remake, a 2024 remake of A League of Its Own, but switch it to men. Okay. Yeah. Make a different period. 1700s. 1734, whatever we said. You know what you could play? Put some fentanyl in there. In a new movie? Yeah.

You could play Shohei Ohtani's little illegal gambling friend that just got in trouble. Shohei Ohtani plays the Dodgers. His buddy got in trouble for gambling with his money. You could play him in the movie. If they ever make a movie about that, I hope you do. And do we have any big Asian friends that are like 6'4"? Who could play Shohei? Who do we know that's like a tall Asian? Oh, I know. Who? Yao Ming. Not our friend. Our friend. I know Yao Ming. You don't fucking know Yao Ming.

You do not. Look at this. That's him and his buddy got in trouble. That's you 100% on the right. That is fucking you. That's not me, dude. Yeah, it is. That's you if you were in Japan. That is literally what you would look like if you were Japanese. How did he get in trouble? He was gambling a fuckload of his money. What was the total? It was like $45 million. Wait, he was gambling the baseball player's money? Shohei's money. Yeah. Wow. Now here's the real story. Was Shohei drunk? No, no, no. Go ahead. I don't care. Yeah. Here's the real story. What?

And who knows whether or not Shohei knew if he was gambling or if he was gambling with him. And then this guy took the fall. Wow. Roughly $160,000 per bet. That's so- That's insane. You know who was going off the rails? You know who was betting like crazy? What? Did I talk about this already at Vegas? Brian Baumgartner from The Office who played Kevin. Mm-hmm.

Him and a bunch of guys were at the high roller table. He can gamble. That motherfucker had stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks of chips. He can play. Multiple hands, you know, doing the quick thing. It was impressive to watch. And then I saw that and then they were like, hey, come sit down. I was like, I'll go find the $20 table. I wouldn't. I'm not going to. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. I mean, $3,000. Like, dude, guys around them were betting $3,000 to $5,000 a hand. No. Yeah. Yeah.

did he make that much money on the office yeah blake griffin goes those residuals must have been yeah i mean yeah he must have i mean if he was a showrunner i think maybe but it's like that's a lot of fucking money dude yeah five grand a hand as well but also maybe he's that's his shit gambling might be his thing but if he's good at it and he can make a profit then okay well then that's his thing he was killing it i guess if i go 250 300 i'm out i go to bed

$300? Yeah. I saw you win one time. You won $100 on a slot. Yeah. And that made your whole weekend. I know. I'm out. You know what I mean? You're going to lose in the longest run. I'm going to get a Jolly Rancher when I don't go to sleep, you know? A Jolly Rancher? Yeah, yeah. Look at his head. So you saw him? Yeah, he played in the golf tournament that we played. Was he nice? He's a great guy. Yeah, yeah. Great guy. Great guy, great gambler. Everybody was nice. I've met a couple of people from that show. I've never met Steve Carell. Have you?

I've never met him. I feel like I've been introduced to him one time to say hello, but you know what I mean? One of those like, hey, Steve, this is... I've never even seen him in the flesh. That's because he's... I've never seen Will Ferrell in the flesh. I've seen him in the flesh. I used to coach kids' soccer, and his kids would come to the soccer. I remember you told me that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he would come, and I was... On my little squad was Ryan Philippe's kid with...

What's her name? What's wrong with me? Reese Witherspoon. Wow. Their kid used to be in that too. So you see Ron, you go, hey, Mr. Philip, Philippe. No, I didn't say a fucking word. Oh, you were quiet. I stared at my shoes. I know. I've been there. I just didn't want that because I was a young nobody actor and I didn't want to be like, hey, I'm trying to be in that. I didn't want to be a bear, especially because he's hot as fuck. What do you know about soccer though? They're fucking children. Kick it. Run. Go. Go. No, no, no, no. There's like tactics.

Not when they're... Your defensive midfielder. They're five. What? They're five. They throw the ball... Right back, help out. You're going to be in attack, but then you fall back left. What do you do? The goalie... You don't know shit! The goalie would be... Sorry, why am I yelling? The goalie would be eating. She would just be sitting... Put down the sandwich! No, let her eat the sandwich. All right. Oh, women. Girls. Mixed. It was boys and girls. Doesn't make no sense. What the fuck are you talking about? Makes no sense. Have you ever seen kids play sports?

No. Five-year-old kids, they throw them all together. They let them go. I used to be a lifeguard. It was just kids in the pool. Did a few of them die? Yeah, big fucking deal. That's why I don't have kids. That's not why. It's because you like anal. I told you you can't make kids in the pooper. I've told you that like a hundred times. You have too much sex with girls in the butt. Ergo, you don't have kids. Okay.

Wow, you're using it in a sentence. Say? Thank you. Keep doing it. Do it three more times throughout the rest of the podcast, and then I'll learn. It's a beautiful thing. But what I'm saying is that how... Oh. Oh, sorry. I thought they were saying hi. No, no, no. What I'm asking you is if I have a child, okay? Yeah. You know what? I'm going to be the best dad imaginable. Okay. Okay.

Will you quit doing that? What? I didn't know what that means. Like you're praying that he's going to be alive or what is this? I just have an itch. I'm itching my arm. It's a nervous tick. Okay. If I have a child and my son goes, my son goes, don't call me that. Already. Why? Already weird? Why are you being mean to the kid? He's just saying papa. I want papi. I'm the kid. Papa? Yes, Giltroy.

Why did you name me Gil Troy? Well, I don't know. Shane Gillis, half, right? And Troy Duffy. He's a director. Love. Yeah. And where's Mama? Mama? She's in Hawaii. Let's be leaving it at that.

He's somewhere in Hawaii. Let's leave it at that, son. Yeah, Gil Troy. Are you ever going to get me another mama? No. Yes. Because some of the whores you bring over are gross. Carlos is not a whore. And they offer me cocaine and I'm seven. Carlos offers you cocaine? That's all you... I could never have him as a babysitter. Okay? But I would look at you, Gil Troy, and say... Ask me if you want to play soccer. If you guys play soccer. Papa?

Papi, but Papa's fine. Papi? Okay. May I play soccer? Son, let me tell you something. Yes? He's such a polite kid. Yeah, he's such a sweetheart. He's too sweet. No, he's very sweet. He's too sweet. Make him a little bit more fucked up. No, be nice to him. It's his kid. Oh, it's your kid. It's my kid. My kid wouldn't go, yes, sir. All right, ready? You know what I mean? Yeah. I'll be your kid. Ready? All right. Papa.

Yeah, Gilsroy. I'm playing soccer this weekend. Okay, you may. I know I may. You have to take me. Son, relax. Calm down. No, shut up. I want fruit roll-ups. I want sliced up fruit. And you know what I want? Swedish fish. Only the red one. Okay, first of all, look at the cabinet.

Look at the storage cabinet in the kitchen, right? We got every flavor of fish fry, fish, right? All the things you mentioned, they're there. Roll up all of it. You know what, Papa? What, Gil? No hospitality in this home. Yeah, you don't even worry. We're not doctors. Ergo, fuck you, Dad. Yeah, we're not in Star Trek. All right. All right. So you're right. Maybe I shouldn't have one. No, not after that experience. Holy shit.

You know what? You could have one. I'm your son. You are my little son. No, let me do it. Hey, buddy. Dada. Yeah, what's going on? It burns. What burns, little guy? My heart. Your heart burns? What does it burn? And in the left lung area. Oh, wow. That's pretty specific. Yeah, and it's like a pinching. Oh, it hurts? Are you having a heart attack? Oh, you just had some gas. Yeah, I got you, daddy. Oh, you're funny. Oh.

Right? You're funny. I'm good. And then I go in the other room. Yeah. To my wife. We got to return that. That Chinese kid will be adopted. We got to get rid of that guy. It's not working out. He feels like he's Bobby's kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What's wrong with the kid soccer thing that you were hung up on? Yeah, they play multi-unicellular. Here's what I'm hung up about. Okay. So it's like my son would know, right? My son is raised knowing the Arsenal code.

Gooner code. Yeah, the Gooner code, okay? He would know about the Emirates. He would know about Arteta. He would know about the players, formations. First of all, Arsenal is like Barcelona. We're tiki-tac. Tiki-tac football. Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass. What does this have to do with kids playing with other kids? What I'm saying is my son, if he's going to play anything...

he's we're going to bring him to he's got to be good but at five years old he's just going to be thrown on the field he's not going to be a prodigy because let me say something um but kai osaka was from the um the arsenal youth academy he was 11 when they found him so he but he started at five yeah but at five you can see he was a miracle you're a miracle all right i'm sorry thank you oh you're welcome i mean that's a compliment but my saying my fight but like i want my kid to be the best at whatever he does but you don't want him to play soccer with other people

I would call around. Also, DNA has something to do with that too. Yeah, it's got to come from you. God, it's, you know, it's funny. It's funny. You know, by you saying DNA, it's basically saying you're fat, Bobby. No. That's what you're saying. You're a fat, sloth-like, lazy creature. I mean, who barely, you don't even walk, you slither. Holy shit. Something in my mind is slithering.

Oh my God. You slither like a snail. You fucking abomination. And let me say something. I come from, everyone listen here now. Good stock. Real good stock. My dad was very athletic. My brother's athletic. Mm-hmm.

Was ranked number three in the four in the nation as a wrestler. My brother was in high school. Google that. No, don't Google it. I just made that up. Don't do this. Well, don't do that. Don't do facts. Don't do not facts. We're comedy. I make shit up all the time. Yeah, but you're taking the stance as if you're being serious. That's true. All right. So what I'm saying is that I want my kid just to I would call around L.A. County. And what's the best young male soccer league?

And you'd get him in that. And I would see if he doesn't have the skills or the ability, then I would go like, oh, let's just go to the local place. What if your dad, let's say your kid says to you, Papa? Gilroy. I don't want to play soccer. Okay, well, what do you want to do? I want to be a cheerleader. I want to be a male cheerleader. Okay, Gilroy? Yeah? We're in a room for a second. Okay. Okay.

And then I'm on my couch and I... I put my hair up on my body. I swear to fuck. I put my hair up on my body. Okay, fuck. Anyway. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Hey, Papa. Can I come in, Gilroy? Come on in. All right. I come in. Oh, my God. What's all with the glitter? You want some? Oh, my eyes again. Anyway. Anyway, there's so many unicorns in this room. Look at all the pictures of the boys on my wall. Those are all cheerleader boys. Ah.

Okay, you want to be a cheerleader? Mm-hmm. Okay. I'll make some phone calls. Thanks, Papa. And I call Justin Martindale. I don't know where to go. I would call a gay friend. I don't know where to go. I would call Fortune Feimster. Yeah. Fortune, you know anything about cheerleading? No. She's like, hell no. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah. There's a no. Yeah. What would you like? Daddy? Yes, son. Yes, Marcus. Yes.

Thank you for naming me Marcus. You got it, kiddo. What do you want, Marcus? I'm not done talking. Why do you always interrupt me? Marcus, speed it up. Daddy, I just want to be able to express myself and get it out. What do you want to do? Anyway, Daddy. Yeah, Marcus. You know, I really like killing small things. What?

Yeah.

Go to your room. Okay, daddy. You mean my coven? Go to your coven. I'll go to my coven, all right? And I'm going to go inside my little fucking... And then you go to your room, and then I go lay in bed with my wife, your mom. Yeah. Oh, you're going to go lay in bed with your wife again? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What would you do? She's reading a book. Yeah, yeah. I turned to her and I say...

I think we got a winner on our hands. Really? Wow. Because sometimes you can't control it. I've seen it on TikTok.

You can't control what your kids do? Yeah, you can't control, no matter how good you are as a person, no matter what values and ethics that you relay to them, right? Sometimes God gives you cray-cray. Sometimes God makes a serial killer. Right. It had to come from something. Well, speaking of which, we have somebody here who will introduce our guest here. One second. We just had our guest walk in the room.

Put on your headphones. If you want headphones, you can have them. Do you want headphones or no? They're right there on there. Yeah, usually. Yeah. Okay. Introduce yourself to our audience if you don't mind. I'm Dax Flame and I'm a YouTuber and I'm happy to be here. And yeah, I think you guys are very funny and you're very funny and I think you'll have awesome chemistry.

And thanks for inviting me. I love this guy. Dax. I fucking love you. I've never had. I saw you on the internet and I was like, I got, we have to have that guy on the show. Okay, cool. Where are you from? Texas. What part? A suburb of Dallas. Do you miss Texas? No. Okay. Is everything bigger? No.

Yeah. So let me, can I ask you something? Are you seeing somebody? No. So you, you're an actor too, right? Yes. I haven't acted in anything for a bit. Well, actually I, my friend makes movies on YouTube and stuff, Joel Haver. And so I've been in those, but haven't done any Hollywood movies for a bit. I was in Project X, which was filmed right down the street from here a long time ago. So I was passing that as I came up. I don't want to talk. Did that give you trauma?

No. No. That wasn't a bad experience for you? No. You say like you went by it like it was a negative thing. It was a good thing, right? Oh, I went by... Where they shot it. Yeah. But it didn't make you feel something. Did it make you feel something? No. Nothing at all. Were you the star of the movie? I'm the cameraman. So it's like a found footage movie. Oh, right, right. So yeah, I'm like the guy who's filming everything. So you see me, some people say that I'm like... Oh, there you are. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

You were young then. Yeah, that was when I was 18. 18. You came out here from Texas to act, yeah? Yes. You always wanted to be an actor your whole life? No. No? What was the impetus? Doing YouTube videos. Yeah, doing YouTube videos. That made you go, I want to be an actor? Yes. And then you did that, then you did 21 Jump Street and 22. Yes, yes. How was that? Awesome. Does anybody on those movies that you didn't like, that you didn't get along with?

Not one person on there you didn't get along with. But what happens? You do 21, 22, right? You do the X, right?

And then you did you stop going on audition? Did you not want to do it anymore? Like what? Just it slowed down. It slowed down for a while. And then I just didn't get any more movies. And so then I was working at an ice cream shop in a sushi place for a bit. Yeah. Then have just been doing YouTube since the pandemic. Yeah. And then now I've been doing some like TikTok and Instagram reels, too. I kind of stopped talking about those movies online. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Just on my own TikTok. Oh, I see. Yeah. Okay. The rumor is you called Channing Tatum a bitch. That's not true. Or, no. That's not true. No. I don't know who spread that around, but man. Yeah. That's a bad rumor. What you call Channing a bitch? Channing Tatum. Channing Channing?

A bitch-ass hoe. You call a bitch-ass hoe? No, he didn't do any of the stuff. Okay, good, good, good. Where's the ice cream shop you worked at? It was called Ample Hills. They're closed down now. Ample Hill. If I walked in there and I came up to you, you were the register guy? Yes. Or I would scoop and then ring people. Okay, let's play that and I come in. Okay. Wow, cool little ice cream store. Would you like any samples? I'm not up at the counter yet, but okay. Hi, this ice cream store? Yes. Oh, cool.

Hey, were you in 21 Jump Street? Yeah, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Wow, you're working at an ice cream store. This is crazy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's wrong? Nothing. Okay. Anyway. Hi, are you going to order? Yeah, I know there's a line. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I just would like to order. Is there a way I can get maybe a selfie with you? Yeah, of course. But let's order. What do you recommend? Oh, my God. It's ice cream. Fucking get something.

There's a line. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. I've never been at this ice cream store and I don't know. I don't want to just get vanilla. And he's also a fucking celebrity. So just give me a break. I heard he's in a Project Triple X movie or something gross. Just take the photo, get the ice cream and go. Anyway, what flavor do you recommend? I'm sorry, this lady behind me. I'll recommend. You know these Karens. Oui, oi, butter cake. And you know what? I'll give y'all both a free scoop. That was my nickname in high school. Oui, oi, butter cake. I'll take one of those. Okay. And it's on me today. Really? Thank you. What are you doing after work? Sorry, ma'am. Hold on.

Just going home. Oh, you want to hang out? Smoke some weed? I don't smoke, but sure, I'll hang out with you. Are you Bobby Lee? Yeah. I am. You know my work? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, cool. So what time you get off? Seven. Seven? It's fucking three. I'll wait. Okay. Four hours. Can I order, please? Yeah, go ahead, bitch. Hi. Hello. I want to try one of everything. Okay.

So I'm curious because I'm fascinated by you. We saw you on the internet. We were all talking about you. Carlos was saying how much he loves you. You did have like a run of film and this is like a real thing in Hollywood. Do you think work slowed down because you...

didn't really want to keep going as much or did it just kind of the organic... I definitely wanted to. You did? Yeah. Well, I want it to happen so we need to work with him. Oh, I want to work with you. I want to work with you on something because I think you're fucking great. Good actor. Nice. Nice guy. I just don't like the way that the thing happens all the time because for us, we've all had... It goes up and down and up and down but...

It's fascinating how like you've done much larger movies than either of us have had, have done. That's true. 100%. 21 Jump Street is a fucking massive. Now, did you see residuals that were good from that for a long time? Yeah, that's what I lived off of until I was working at the ice cream shop. Does it hurt though? But like, like in your mind, you're like, I was in movies and I'm like, I mean, I don't know. Oh, does that, does that go through your mind or?

Uh, well, first I did a food delivery job and then I was kind of like, I was kind of feeling like, okay, yeah, I was, I used to be in movies and now I'm doing a food delivery job. Does that like mean anything? And then I was, once I was working at the ice cream shop, I no longer had that mindset anymore.

Yeah, that went right by you. Yeah. Yeah. And then I had an awesome assistant manager there, Stacy. Shout out to Stacy. Where? At the ice cream place? And good coworkers. Oh, wow. I love your soul. I love your soul. And then one day it just closed and you were bummed probably, huh? No, I hated it. I hated the shop. Oh. Wait, wait, wait.

That makes sense. Wait, wait, wait. You loved everyone you worked with. Yes. Yeah. You love the customers. Yes. Yeah. I didn't get a promotion. I had a lot of frustration by the time it closed. They're cutting my hours. Sorry to...

Ample Hills if that's still a place like it because they started in New York don't be sorry to them say what you feel about Ample Hills they're very delicious they have very delicious ice cream check it out but go go let's go at corporate go ahead but I didn't enjoy working there and get your fuck you yeah yeah no I hated it yeah and get into it don't really dig in I'm the CEO hello my name is Bill Gilbert

Giltroy. Bill Lampard. Oh, he just screwed you? Yeah, yeah. He just said it. Do it again to him. Hit him hard. Screw you. Oh, wow. You screwed me? I employed you. And by the way, 21 jumpsuit sucks.

You're going to let him say that stuff to you? You little punk. I'm a CEO. Don't ever talk to me like that. What are you going to do about it? You little punk. Your shop went out of business. You were a bad business person in LA. Maybe you're succeeding in New York, but you failed here. Oh, look at this fucking guy. Fuck you, you little white punk. Little bitch punk. You're never going to work again. What else you got to say?

No, nothing. Wow, you gotta fight! Okay, okay. You gotta fucking fight, man! Screw you, I hate you, and... Ooh! Let's see. You're a mongoloid. Dude, in the middle of a fight to say let's see is maybe the funniest thing on earth. Let's see, I know. You're too nice. Fuck you. You're a nice guy. Let's see. Thank you. You're such a sweet soul. What do you do on your channel?

On YouTube, I am trying to figure out what to do. So I've just been trying to make new show ideas. And on TikTok, I've been doing lots of giveaways. I actually tried stand-up comedy for the first time. You did stand-up? For the second time. I did one other open mic before. Oh, this is great. Just push pause on this real quick. John, so high. He's just looping it while we're fucking chatting. All right, so here we go. We got to get our old guys back. Here we go, okay? You introduce them. You're the host of a comedy club.

Hey, that's my time. This next comic, unbelievable. Such a funny dude. You've seen him in such movies as 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, Project X. So fucking funny. Texas' own Dax Flame. Hello, thanks for having me. So do you want me to do some jokes? Let's see. These are the jokes I did at the comedy place. Thanks for having me. I hope you're doing great. So...

do you ever have a social interaction that you wish went differently? So for example, the other day I was in line at a grocery store and a guy said I could go ahead. Basically, I was in this line. The guy said go ahead. And I said something to him that he didn't realize that was a joke. So I was like, okay, that just happened. And then if I had a genie... If I had a genie...

All my wishes would have been used on things like that long ago. Speaking of genies, how do those lamps work? Is there like a giant room in there? Is it just asleep until it's rubbed or whatever? This is good. This is so good. Keep going. And then...

My ex-girlfriend. Okay. My ex-girlfriend used to get headaches a lot. Not my fault, I promise. And... That... Whenever she would get them, she would get really mad at me because I'd be like... Let's see. Oh, I'd say, don't worry, it's only in your head. And she'd be like, no, I really have a headache. And I'd be like, no, literally, it's just in your head. And then...

I had this joke kind of... Let's not give away all the gold. Okay. Because we are going to have you on a show. Yeah, we're going to have you. You got to come on a show. You got to come on a show. On a stand-up show? Yeah. Can I experiment with Mr. Flame here real quick? Yeah. May I? All right. So this is what we're going to do. It's like we're going to do a stand-up on the spot.

Okay. So I'm going to give you a topic. You're just going to riff. Don't even think about it. Okay. You just riff about it, right? My mind goes blank when I try to do that, but I will try. You know what? In improv, it's only yes. There's no no. That's right. You know that, right? All right. So here we go. Beef brisket. Go ahead. Beef brisket is one of those popular things about barbecue dishes. And I'm from Texas, so people like to eat that, but I never liked barbecue. So...

It's good. It's good. That is good. Really good. Really good. What do you do? I'm a financial analyst. What do you think about that? Okay. I don't know.

But my wife, my wife works in a, she works at a cemetery, right, babe? I do. She does embalming. She does embalming. What do you think about that? There's got to be a lot of funny stories. Mr. Comedian. Dolores Cemetery. My grandfather's buried there. What's the funniest thing you've seen there? Huh? What's the funniest thing you've seen at a cemetery? Flips it on the audience. Everything I've seen at the cemetery is way funnier than your act. I'll tell you that right now. Ooh, says the crowd. You suck.

Whoa. Burn. How do you own a heckler? Are you asking us? Yeah. Oh. How many followers do you have? Half a million. Yeah. 500,000 now because the past two months have been really good. I hope it keeps fucking growing. I hope it grows too. Yeah. I really like you, man. I don't know what. Something about your eyes. You catch me good. Thank you. No, I mean, not a good thing. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's not a good thing. What do you mean? It's a great thing. No, there's something going on with you. I'm sorry. Can I, may I say something? Yes.

There's a sadness. Okay. No. I'm so sorry. May I go here or no? You can do whatever you want, but I like our guest. No, I like you. Dude, let me just say this before I even say what I'm going to say. I like you a lot, Dax, and I think that you're a talented guy, and I'm just happy to be a pleasure is all mine. Okay? So then...

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. Pleasure to be here. Okay. Dax, how old are you? 32. What's your biological name? What's your birth name? Well, most people don't know my first name. And I've always just been reluctant to say it because what if people find my address or whatever? But people know my middle name, which is Madison. Oh, I like Madison. Thanks. But your eyes. Oh, yes. May I go back to the eyes? Yeah. God, I want to know your first name so fucking bad. Me too. Maybe we'll guess.

If we guess it, would you say? Could I show you my ID and then you don't... Yeah, we won't reveal it on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we would never do that. That's fucking awesome. You don't have a wallet? Just throw it to me. There's no... Cameras will not pick it up. There's no wallet? Those guys won't do anything bad. Okay. We should buy him a wallet maybe. Yeah, can we get him a wallet? We'll get you a wallet. Oh, wow. What? That's not what I thought. Let me see. That's wild. What are your...

Yeah. I mean, it's almost like a puzzle. So what's your middle name? James. Young. Young? Yeah, yeah. Cool. How did you get this name? That's his last name. I think it might have been like a great grandpa or something. I'm not sure. Are you Italian? I don't know. Well, I took a DNA test. What did it say then? A lot of things, yeah. Okay. Are you black? No. Korean. Are you Korean? No.

No Asian? No. Jewish? That was on there, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Are you proud of that? Yeah. Happy Passover. Happy Passover. No one I know celebrates. I mean, friends do, but no one. I didn't grow up with any celebrating of that or anything. So you're against Jewish holidays? No, no. No. I just don't have never done that. You don't like them? You don't want to participate? No, no. Even though it's your heritage? I think they're awesome. You sure? Yes. Okay. What's your favorite one?

Passover. That's your favorite one. And you didn't celebrate it, even though it's your favorite. No. Or Hanukkah, yeah. The Hanukkah's better. I don't know, actually. So you don't, you're making a mockery of it. It sounds like you're mocking it. Unintentionally, if so. If I am, I'm sorry. It's fine. Well, she's Jewish. I would apologize to her if anything. Is that offensive, what I said? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I mean, I feel like you're making a mockery. I mean, you spit on her dreidel.

It's verbally spitting on the dreidel is what you did. I see, I see. Do you think all people are equal? Yeah. I don't buy that when you say that. Insane. Let me throw you this back. Here, let me see. Ready? Let's do a little... Nobody thought that was going to happen, by the way. Nobody in here thought we were going to make that work, and we fucking did. We connect on a different level. Thank you. Let's get into your dating life. So when's the last time you've been with somebody?

That's a little forward. Okay, let me rephrase that. Yeah, please. He's new. I'm so sorry. You're a new friend of our family. Oh, you know what? Excuse me. And you don't let me say this. I'm so sorry. When you're in this room, you're a bad friend family. You're a friend of ours, really. Yeah, yeah. So just relax. And also, if you want anything cut out, we'll cut it out. So feel free. Seriously. We're not a gotcha podcast. Okay, okay. So if you came up to us and says, hey, guys, I don't like that. I don't want that part in there. Like the Jewish part, for instance. Just...

then we would cut it out. Do you want us to cut that out? Was that uncomfortable? If you think it was bad. Do you think it's bad? I didn't.

I don't know. Don't look at the Jew. Yeah, don't look at the Jew. Cut that out. That's even worse. Don't cut that out. Okay, just because she said it. All right, so when's the last time you had a girlfriend? I've had one girlfriend. In your whole life? And whenever I did that stand-up joke about my ex-girlfriend, that was a hypothetical. I'm going to say this to our fans. If there is a nice woman here in Los Angeles who's interested in our boy,

please hit up the pod because we'd love to set you up on a date. I think I really like your energy. I think you're smart and you're sweet and you're cool. And for some reason, something in my world wants to know you, help you, work with you. I don't know what it is, but I like you a lot. You know, him and I have some projects. Okay, awesome. Are you excited?

About them? Not really. No, not for all of them. No, some of them. I mean, this one is great. Cool. Yeah. This one's fun. But, you know, we will keep an open mind and have you in our thoughts. Okay. We'll put you in something. I'll just say. That's what I meant to say. Okay. Well, you're saying it like a CEO. Well, I'm saying it like with what, you know what I mean? We'll put a pin in you. Oh, like a studio executive. Like a studio executive. We'll put a pin in you. Did you ever get close for a role and you didn't get it that you really wanted? Yes. What was it?

We're the Millers. Oh, to be that kid, huh? Yes, and then this Ryan Gosling movie, his directorial debut. And then... You got close on both of these. And The Watch. I was the runner-up for all of those. Oh, fuck. Yeah. That's the story of our lives, huh? Yeah. Runner-up. Yes. Yeah. Are you going out on auditions now? No. No. Do you have someone that's going to send you out or no? Not... I don't... I haven't gotten an audition...

offer in like four years or so i need to fix i want to fix this i need i don't believe in this i want to fix i want to fix i need to fix i want to fix i need to fix you i need to fix what is broken with you i need to fix what is broken with you i need to fix what is broken with you with you what do you think that was good thank you you want to get involved in the song

I need to fix, I need to fix what is broken with you. I need to fix, I need to fix what is broken with you. I need to fix, what is wrong with you? Yes, say it melodically. I need to fix, I need to fix what is broken with you. Something needs to be fixed. Yeah. Very good, dude. Very good. I mean, a musical thing could be something that we could do together. Now let me ask you, I know I have an inkling you don't like to hug.

Like if I came up and gave you a hug, you wouldn't like it? No. Yeah, no. Why? Well, it's fine, actually. Yeah, it's fine, but maybe like... I'm telling you, I'm going to give you a hug when you leave. That's fine. Also, in the Italian culture, when you meet somebody for the first time, it's got to be a 10-second hug or it doesn't mean anything. Okay. We're supposed to kiss on the cheeks, if I'm being honest. Yeah, to be honest with you. In Korea, we kiss on the lips. Sometimes with tongue, but that's, you know, depending. To a stranger? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. On 100%. South Korean kisses on the mouth. North Korean does tongue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're lucky he's from South. Yeah. If you have a tongue, they chop it off. If you kiss the wrong way. You know anything about North Korea? Just not much. It's a fair answer. It is a fair answer. Are you on the apps? Which ones? Dating apps? Yeah, Hinge. Hinge. Is it working? Yeah.

I don't use it enough. Like, I don't message or swipe. That's how it works, you know. Yeah, you have to do that. Like, when you turn on the car, you have to put it on the engine. Have you been banned from any apps? Have you been banned from a dating app? No. He has. Why'd you get banned? Three of them. Why? Lied about his age. Why? Lied about his age. How old am I, Dax, you think? Forty-five. Forty? Forty-five. Forty-five. Okay. Hey.

50. Yeah. Okay. 52. 52. Okay. Awesome. How tall do you think he is? Because he lied and said he was like 36. I watched something yesterday where you said five, three and a half. That's right. One of your episodes. That is right. Okay. So before you came here, you kind of looked at, familiarized with yourself. Had you ever seen the show prior? Not the show, but I have seen y'all. Clips. Yeah. Yes.

Did you know of us outside of this show? Yeah. My friend, Lisa Nova. Well, I haven't talked to her in a long time. I love her. She was on Matt TV. I know Lisa very well. I knew her from back in the day. Wow. Have you talked? She's...

Disappeared almost. Yeah, I haven't kept it. She's in New York. But I ran into her once. She made mucho, mucho money. Yeah. And left. She was a YouTuber, right? She started Maker and then she sold it to Disney for like $500, $600 million or whatever. That's good. That's a lot of money. It's a lot of money. When you ran into her, you think maybe- Lisa Donovan. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

So, yeah, I had seen... You're familiar with me. You don't know who I am. Yes, I do know who you are. Give me a couple of things you've done. This is weird. It's fine. We can cut it out if it's weird. But I want him to answer. Ricky Santini? Ricky Stineke, yeah? Yeah. Say it again? He said Santini. I love it. Ricky Santini. Ricky Santini. I haven't... Give me something else. But then...

Like just lots of awesome clips. Yeah. I love you. You know what? You just endeared yourself to me. Do y'all have a rivalry? No, we don't. It's great. Bobby's created a fake fantasy. Bobby's riding off of mad TV for a long time. It's an awesome credit. It was. Yeah. God bless you. I knew there was something about you. And you and I did. We're back in it, aren't we? We're on that wagon. Okay. And we're going to the sunset. It's amazing.

I'd like to think, and you can say that I'm wrong. Yeah. Is it good? I think so. Yeah, yeah. Do you like Matt TV? No. Oh. I was more of like an SNL guy. SNL is great. Significantly better quality than Matt TV. Um...

When did Mad TV's not on? That's right. No, yeah. One of them is still on. Yeah. What you just did there now, because you wanted to combat him. Because I knew how you felt. But what you did is you went, you know what? I'm going to defuse the situation. I'm going to go this way. And I like what you did. But at the end of the day, I know how you feel. Okay. Thank you. And thank you so much, Dax, for being here. And I'm going to say something. I'm going to do something for you, man. Something deep, provocative. Maybe some pussy. Okay.

We'll see. You're going to give him some pussy? We're going to help him. Okay. What? What if he doesn't want it? If he don't want it, it's fine. What about a hug? One of your hugs? One of his good hugs. No. I might be wrong, but I think maybe you could be a reoccurring guest on this show. I'll come back anytime. Do you drive here? Yes. Okay, good.

You have a bike? I do. Do you bike often? Not anymore for some reason. So you rode a bike here? No. Okay. Have you ever fallen off the bike? I do have a scar on my chest from biking into the back of a car. I would like to hear that story before we move on. Yeah, I would like to. I know, before we move on. Well, I don't want to talk about your bike. I'd like to hear that story.

It's pretty much just that. I just... The car was parked and no one was in it. And there was a gas tank on the back that popped open too and was leaking gas. But I just went down to the beach and asked a lifeguard for something to put on my... How old were you? 17 or 18. Here in Southern California? And you did this to the lifeguard? Well, I just told him that I had a...

Well, no, you did this, so... How did you lose focus and hit a car? Oh, maybe I did. Yeah, yeah. Well, I didn't lose focus. I think my foot slipped or my hand slipped. And then by the time I got it back, I slammed on the brakes and then skidded and I was going too fast or something. You know, so I just want to say something. You ever watch porn with dudes like this? You're saying about his penis size is big? Gigantic. Yeah. It's kind of me. Yeah, and guys that have a little bit of...

The same body structure, everything about it. Yeah, the vibe. Vibe. Do you like trains? I like being on them. Okay. I like, they are very peaceful to go. They're nice. Yeah. But you're not going to go to a train station to look at them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like you like trains. That was interesting. That's so good. Well, because I feel like he has interesting hobbies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that? Is that a crazy question? Do you like marbles?

What do you know? Dude, I feel like you have marbles in your pocket right now. No, I like... I do like going on trains, but I have nothing to say about marbles. Do you know why you like trains so much? Yeah, they're very peaceful. Yeah, they fucking are, aren't they? The last time I was on one, it hit someone also. Like, speaking of... Yeah. It hit a person. It got delayed. It got delayed.

I didn't see anything, but I got delayed. There was a jumper. Well, I looked at an article the next day or two later, and they just said that someone got hit in the arm, and I think they were fine. Oh, they were alive. Usually somebody jumps. Okay. My mom used to take the train every day when we moved from Chicago to the suburbs, and maybe once a month someone would jump in front of the train, so it would delay her work day. Okay. Real frustrating when someone takes their own life and inconveniences everybody else's. Kill yourself on your own time.

Or, yeah, don't.

I agree with you don't kill yourself but also if you're going to do it don't make it hard on other people do you know what I mean what's your favorite meal to eat what's your death row meal you ever play that you know when someone says you're on death row what's your last meal maybe well smoothies are like the thing I have most but in terms of like if there's no money limit then I'll get like good it's your last meal bro sushi or steak

sushi and steak you can do both yeah both what cut of meat are we talking what kind of steak I usually just get sirloin well I was vegetarian for a while and now I've just been eating everything again now you're back on the beef I bet you what's the best steakhouse you've been to Damon's I think it's called is that are you talking about the one in Glendale yeah that's a really good one that's the one I told you about it's like the tiki theme oh my god I love that place it's a good place

I love it. Oh, you're a foodie, huh? Damon's is so fucking cool. I told you to go there. I'm going to go. You're a foodie? Yeah, I guess. I don't really know many steak places. No, but do you like, you do like to go out and eat at fun places. Yes.

But the restriction, you said the smoothie thing. Is that a health thing or a financial thing? I just love smoothies. Right. Hey, guy. Yeah, we do too. What's up? What's up, dude? We do them pretty often. What kind is it? It's called none of your fucking business. No, it's a fair question. It's called chocolate. I didn't know. That's why I said chocolate lover. Yeah, we like chocolate and peanut butter. I would like to go to Wii spot with you. Okay.

Do you know what that is? I would not get naked. No. Something told me that. Wait, wait, wait. Stop. I'm very offended by that, by the way. Why? Because it's like you looked at me and you go, I will not get naked. But it's almost as if you said, I will not get naked with you. No, with anyone. Except for someone you're interested in romantically. True. This is the border that he's- I know, but what I'm saying is that we're not- The Wii Spot is-

There's a communal place where men and women congregate. Okay. Hospitality. Ergo. Ergo. Right. And then, but in the, in the, we have to first get naked and put on the, we still have clothing. So you wouldn't get naked with me. You're putting on clothes. I would go into like a bathroom stall if that's possible. Yeah. That seems pretty fair. Oh, that's insane. Did you ever play sports as a young lad? But I wouldn't be offended if you wanted to undress.

Would you look at my penis? No. Even though I said look? If you go, hey, Dak, look. Accident. If I know what you're doing, then no. Yeah. You're giving him the keys to the castle. You're letting him know what's going on. You may come in. Yeah. The moat, whatever it is. Come on in. Come on in. Do you ever chew tobacco? I've tried smoking a cigarette. How was that? Interesting, I guess. Do you have any interest in chewing tobacco? Want to try some? No.

I don't think I'm interested in that. Smart. Have you tried it? Chewing tobacco? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's tried everything.

You've tried everything once. Except for guys. That's the thing I think. Okay, that's fine. I was a kid, but let's not bring that up again. It's weird. Well, I mean. You bring it up more than once in an episode. Well, you've tried guys, and I haven't, and you said everything once. It's making our guests feel uncomfortable because obviously he doesn't like it. No, I don't feel uncomfortable. First of all, this guy said he was a Democrat. He's open for all this stuff. Yeah, yeah. You're cool with gay marriage. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's great. Open borders, right? Yes. Yeah, guys. Free healthcare for everybody? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And what's the last thing we always say? Trust women in sports and men in sports. There it is. Yes. Yep. Very good. I want to know what you don't like. What are things that bother Dax? Um, traffic. Um...

Yeah. That's it. Not much. Oh, there's been a lot of construction on the apartment unit next to mine for the past like two weeks. And it's like just waking up to like banging and grinding and stuff. Yeah. Do you live in Hollywood? No. Two miles east of Hollywood. So in your mind when you're hearing that, what are the thoughts that go through your head? Do you want to kill

No. Let's be honest. We're all pals here. Right, right, right, right, right. And your mind's like, oh, I take a fucking machete. You know, what do you think? No, no, I don't think that. Okay, what do you think then? This sucks. Yeah, this sucks. He is right. That does suck. That sucks. You don't have revenge fantasies? Am I the only guy in this building that has revenge fantasies? Yes. Mm-hmm.

Yeah? Yeah, the way you asked. John, he's Korean. Hey, back me up. Revenge fantasies? Sometimes I picture myself going back to my bullies and beating them up. Yeah, dude, that's what I'm saying. And I picture... I have fantasies like that. You don't have fantasies? People that harmed you? You know what I mean? Like, I should have done this. You know what I mean? I should have taken a bear trap and chopped their fucking leg off. Did anybody bully you? Um...

As a young person? Anytime. Oh, sure. There's like internet hate comments, but I'm just immune to them at this point. There was recently, this isn't bullying, but like two days ago, I was getting out of my car and someone like honked at me. Well, I got out of my car and then I went back into it to scoot forward to give them more space to park. That's nice. And they honked at me as I was getting back in. That was annoying.

That was not bullying, though. No. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I want a day with you. Yeah. Days. I want days with you. Can we do this? I think we should do a camping thing. Would you go camping with us? Yeah. Have you ever camped? No. Yeah. And have you ever lived off the land?

lived off the land like in what like forging for berries killing something and eating it i can teach you about that stuff okay like fish have you ever gone fishing uh yes but have you ever done it without a rod do it naturally with a spear i can teach you about that too

Y'all are big campers? We do it- Every weekend. Every weekend, yeah, pretty much. Without fail. Huh? Where? Well, Big Bear last weekend. That was fun. And then sometimes we'll just go to Riverside and just camp right in downtown Riverside. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes we'll do that. I can hand trap squirrels now with my eyes closed, to be honest with you. You should see what this guy does to a squirrel. It's unbelievable. Yeah, yeah. He can follow a squirrel just like in sonar, like a dolphin. Yeah. Just the sound. Yeah. Oh, dude. Yep. Yep.

450 kilometers away due west up the tree that's the thing when he squirrel hunts he does turn Canadian but for the most part yeah and I can also just I can get on my hands and knees and I can tap with my finger right and I communicate with earthworms is that pretty cool like that is awesome yeah did you all get into it together

When we were in the war, Desert Storm, we were young. You know what I mean? I was in the army. He was in the Marines. And, you know, I was a tracker. You know what I mean? I tracked them, those bastards, those fucking dirty bastards, man. They're disgusting. Disgusting. They're the real enemy. They're the real enemy, dude. Worms. Worms.

You not see what they're doing to this fucking planet? You see Dune? Yes. Yeah. They're going to rip us to pieces. Rip us to pieces, man. We're done. Yeah, we're done for. And if you think that that's not what's really going on, that's the government finally telling us the truth. The truth. And it's like, tap, tap, tap, tap. You know what I mean? I'm saying, please, please don't. I just bought this house. Do not. Because when they come out of the earth, it destroys buildings. You know what I mean?

But my point is this. So what else? We go camping. Our fun trip, though, when we went to the rainforest in Brazil. Oh, my God. That was so fun. We spent a month in the rainforest in Brazil, and we observed the birds of paradise. Wow. Mating rituals. Do you know much about it? We lived with a tribe half of the time. Yep. And then every weekend, y'all go camping? Pretty much. Yeah. If we can do. If we can do. And we do it alone style. Yeah.

Oh, I've seen that show. Yeah, so we do it with really nothing. Okay, awesome. Yeah, yeah. So we're going to go out there with maybe no tent. We can build our own lodge. I'll say this again. You're inside these walls.

You're a bad friend for life. You're a friend of ours. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Don't be scared of us. Okay. No, because in here we want to protect you. There's nothing about this place that wants to- You must have to pee real bad right now, huh? No, I did think about that and no, luckily. You know, I want to share something with you last night. Last night I made a mistake. So that blue thing, that vibrator I have, that wrapper on my dick, the vibrating thing. Thank you for being a bad friend.