cover of episode We Are Betas

We Are Betas

2024/5/20
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Bad Friends

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Hey, everybody. We're doing a Bad Friends live show. It's called Scary Times USA. Scary Time USA. And how do you watch it? Go to moment.co slash badfriends. It's Thursday, October 24th at 6 p.m. We're going to have exclusive merch available for it. So Bad Friends Scary Time USA. Hey, dude. America.

huh, dude? Yeah, live stream. October 24th at 6 p.m. PST. We're live streaming it. So join us at moment.co slash bad friends. We'll also be hosting an interactive VIP after party after the show and active patron members can join the VIP after party for free. Scary Times USA. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

You know, when you're on the road and I'm on the road. Yeah. Separately. Yeah. There is a sadness that occurs in my life. Big time. I call you. I know you call me from the stage. And I said, I really miss you bad. I know. But I had so much fun in Phoenix and they were chanting for you. Yeah. And how did Jesse do?

Not good. I know. No, she did great. Oh, I mean, she's great. I mean, she did so good. I just agree with you. She did so good. Because you're an honest guy, you know? We had a great host. It was great, Jackie. We had so much fun, man. Phoenix was incredible. It's a nice club. It's a great club. Then I go to Nashville, dude. This weekend? Yeah. I got nothing. I got nothing until September. But my point being is that I do miss you. Aren't you doing the thing with Segura? I'm doing Segura and Kreischer.

Oh, wow. I'm doing that Fatapalooza thing. Yeah. Welcome back to Fatapalooza. How much can you eat, drink, and fart out? Yeah. But, you know, I want to say that, you know, I believe that things happen for a reason and you run into people for a reason. Do you agree or no? Yeah. And like things are kismet or meet-cutes, like a meet-cute. Meet-cute. You think we met on a meet-cute? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah. What's so funny?

I don't even want to meet cute. I've never heard of that. Meet cute? Meet cute. Meet cute. Meet cute. I have an uncle named Meet Cute. Yeah, Meet Cute. He does nails. He does nails, yeah. Meet Cute. You want gel? I don't know. I think that... No, I think that, you know, it was just inevitable that we would meet, but in terms of like being, you know, partners...

for this project was meet cute. It was meet cute. Yeah. And anyway, so yesterday. Universal energies. Universal energy. So Sunday, I was, Mark Norman told me to come down and do his podcast at the store. Hey, come on down, buddy. Yeah. And I came down, Whitney was on, a bunch of people. I met Joe List for the first time.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's the best. Funny guy. All those dudes are great. Super funny. I did good. Hey, man. Come down. And I just kind of walked off. So, you know how I do. Yeah, you leave. Yeah, yeah. You know, like Elvis. Bobby has left the building. You think it's like Elvis? Whatever. You think you're like Elvis? Because you cut your hair short now. You're kind of... There it is. I am. You're a hunk of burning love. No, I don't mean... I don't have his looks, but I think I have his energy, you know? No.

Do you, dude? I don't like that laugh. No, no, you do. Yeah. Do I have Elvis's energy? No? Okay. Chinese Elvis. Chinese. Anyway, we've done it. But I was leaving. Yeah. I was leaving. And then I hear, hey, dude. I hear, hey, dude. Is that Chinese Elvis? No. Who's that? Yeah, it's an Israeli kid. Oh. He goes, hey, dude. Hey, dude. I go, what? And I see this, like, at first I thought it was like,

a sick Robert Smith from The Cure. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, yeah. Just a little pale face. - Pale face? - Yeah, yeah. And I go, it was sunny too, so it was during the day. And then I looked at him and he go, and I recognized him and I go, I've seen him online, you know? - Yeah. - And he goes, "I'm a big fan of you dude," or whatever. - Is he deaf? - I don't know, that's how he sounds to me. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah. And then we had a little conversation on the patio, we exchanged numbers.

And now he's here. You gave him your real number. I did. And here he is. Yeah. Say hi, bud. It's on. Now I talk. Yeah. What's wrong with you? What's going on? What's going on?

I love you so much. Dude, you're so good. Is there something about you? Can you say something about you, dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a sadness about you and an anger. I was thinking more hate and anger more than sad. I'm not a sad guy. You're not a sad guy? No. Oh, you're happy? Happy but angry. We had an interesting conversation though, you and I, Matan. Did we not? Very interesting. Yeah, was I nice? Nice guy. I'm a nice guy. Small. Small.

What do you mean? Because I thought you were going to be a little bit bigger. Yeah. Yeah. Well, okay. But is it like unnaturally small? What do you mean? Oh, like it's not natural how small you are? Am I dwarf-like? Not that being a dwarf is natural. I think you're a little bit taller.

Just a little bit taller than Doreen. You wouldn't categorize me. If you were a doctor, you wouldn't be like, I... Right above the line. Great. That means, you know what? That means I can get on the rides. Can he? Oh, they have a lot of you guys at Universal. Yeah. They made a whole theme park for you guys. What do you guys mean? Oh, you know what I mean, but I... No, no, no. I don't know what you mean. No, I can't see. No, no, no. What do you...

Matan, I know you're a kid, all right? So I want to be gentle with you. Yeah. Look at me right now. Look at me right now. No, don't do that. Matan. Are you talking about Harry Potter Town? Oh, no, not Harry Potter. Oh, Little Tokyo? No, the little minions. Oh. Oh.

Oh, let me ask you, because they're yellow? Now he's doing your material. I know. He does that. He says that joke before. He says that joke before. Yeah, I've said it before. Batan, where are you from? Oh, I'm from Los Angeles. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're talking the Valley, right, baby? Oh, yeah. I was born in Encino. And now you live in Tarzana? No, now I live in Encino. Okay, good. Yeah. So still Encino. Yeah. You're a senior in high schools coming up?

Yeah, right now I'm the 11th grader. I don't know which one that one's called. That's a junior. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're homeschooled? No, I went to school, but now I'm just doing online because...

Yeah, I had to leave. Why? Some problems with the teachers, just problems. You had problems or they had problems? I was, well, it was mutual, I guess. Yeah, it does seem mutual. Yeah. There's no way that's a one-way street. Yeah. But you know what? Who needs school? No, I mean, his podcast is, I mean, it's popping a little bit. I've seen it. Yeah, it's very popular. Yeah, it's popping a little bit, you know?

You're very aggressive on your podcast. You yell at people. No, I'm not aggressive. You go fat fuck. Oh, that was my producer, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He died actually on the stairs. He what? We fell down the stairs after that. You did? We said it in the thing. It was we had a funeral for him. You're killing it, bud. Killing it, kid. You met Dan Schneider? Oh, almost. I had one of his clients on. Wow.

Wow. So that's pretty good. Yeah. Maybe by transference you picked up some of that. Yeah. How do you feel about the liver king? The liver king? Yeah. Yeah.

I think he's alpha. Yeah, he is alpha. He's alpha. Yeah. High testosterone, real man. Oh, are you- He's a real man. I know what you are. What? You're not alpha. No, I'm alpha. I'm a real man. No, you're not. How much do you weigh? Like maybe close to 130 is my guess. That's a real man right there. That's a real man because he's pure- Pure man. Pure man.

brain and muscle. How old are you? I'm 17 right now. I just turned 17. Yeah, congrats. What are your dreams, your goals, your hopes? Real quick, I got you guys a gift. All right, go, go, go. Yeah, give me the gift. Go get your gift. How exciting. This guy's, oh, wow. Wow. Is that an M44, M4468? Vacuum. Oh, yeah. That's a model. Vacuum.

I got you a gift as well. Oh shit, thank you. This is my specific gift. Oh yeah. Okay, cool. Whoa. Whoa, who's that signed by? That's signed by me, but it's a poster of the Beatles. Yeah, wow. Wow. That's a great signature. I've always wanted one of these. Yeah, we just, do you know the 7-Eleven by the Baskin Robbins? Yeah. Yeah. So I bought that there. It was $10. It was $10. $10. And the Sharp was $2. Yeah, how much was this?

I don't think I paid for that. Does it work? I believe it makes a funny noise when you turn it off. Yeah, but you don't think it works? No, it works, but it's like half broken. Well, let's hear it. Let's see if it works.

It's funny to watch McCone- Did you sign it though? No, I signed the- I'd prefer you to sign the vacuum as well. You want me to sign the vacuum? Yeah, please. I can do it after, but just don't sell it because it's going to- Unless you can give me some of the money. No, where did you get it? Is this something that runs in the family? Are you guys cleaners? No, that's one of the- You know how sometimes people-

Oh, it sounds great. Dude, it works. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's good. Thank you so much. You're welcome. That's very nice. Happy birthday. Yeah. Okay, but you know, honestly, I thought it was broken. I was kind of a little mad about it. But since it works, what a great gift. A vacuum that works? Thank you. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. Yeah. Wow. Pull your hair back like you just did again and hold it like that.

- Look at Bob, hold your hands on your head. - Yeah, yeah. - No, 'cause you want my eyes to-- - No, no, no, hold your hair back. - We're not doing that. - Pull your hair back and hold it tight like that. - I love it. - What do you see? - Anne Hathaway. - Yeah. - Anne Hathaway? - Yeah. - Beautiful. - Yeah, beautiful. - Who is that? - Little Isla Fisher in there. - Little Isla Fisher in there. - Yeah, gorgeous. - I mean, dude, let me, Matan, I mean, I don't know, is this against, because he's 17? I'm just saying that if you transitioned-- - Oh no!

No. Oh, because if you say it three times, it'll happen. You can't do that. Oh.

We've already said it twice. Yeah, if you transition- No, that's two. Be careful, because you might have to- It would go pretty well for you, I think. If he was. Oh, no, no. You have good jawline. No, no, I'm not one of those. You are a pretty girl. Yeah. You are a pretty girl. You would be a pretty girl. You're a pretty boy, but you're a pretty girl. I don't want to talk about it, because every time I get into that conversation, people get mad for what I'm saying. Why? Yeah, we're not going to talk about it. Why don't we talk about it? Yeah, talk about what? What, that you'd be a pretty girl? Yeah, you're a pretty girl. You would be. Look at your little chin. Look at your little cheeks. Look at his cute cheeks. Yeah. Yeah.

You have cute shit. Can I? The shit. Oh, the Jewish thing? I know who you look like. What? Joan of Arc. Little Joan. Little Joan. Little Joan of Arc.

She was Jewish, wasn't she? That's the guy in the Bible? Yeah. Yeah. Jonah's Ark. Look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you are. There you are. Oh, that really does look similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty close. Yeah, that's pretty close. She was a warrior. Well, now you know what you are for Halloween, bud. Yeah. Oh, but she's not a real man. That's why. She has a lot of hate in her heart.

Oh, I thought you said you have hate in your heart. Yeah, but if you have hate in your heart, but it's the wrong hate, you're not a real man. So what's the real hate? Oh, just hating. Oh, no, never mind. No, no, no, no. No, don't never mind it. Look at me. Matan, look at me. Matan. Everything's fine.

I love you. Yeah. Yeah? No, he can't say that. Well, I'm not going to say that. What kind of alpha are you? Oh. Like a push-up alpha? Are you a guy that goes to the gym? No, no, I don't go to the gym. But just not like a strong alpha. That's a different one. You can do double, but... I know what. What? You're like Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor? Yeah. No, I want to be like Ben Shapiro.

Right. Right. Oh, yeah. I don't know if he would be considered alpha. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. No. You don't think so? No. I don't think, but maybe. I think you're more like Alex Jones. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you like that guy. I went on there a couple of times. I know. I know. We saw. That's incredible. It's incredible. I was 12. How do people feel in high school about Bobby Lee? Like high school people think he's funny? I never heard him. Right. Yeah. There's not much conversation. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. But didn't you... Hi. Didn't you... Didn't you go... You came... Oh, no. I know you. That's because I'm like in this space. I only knew you after high school. Right. Oh, outside of high school. Yeah. Well, no, no. Not outside of high school. I'm saying I knew you since I left. Oh, since you left. Okay. How long has that been? About a year. A little over a year. Good. Good, good.

So anyway, what I wanted to ask you, what I want to tell you is that we went through a list of things. Yeah. And, you know, at the end of our conversation, we... No, no. Stop. Stop.

This is manipulated. No, no. We surmise that you were a full-blown liberal. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Does that hurt your feelings? Because it's nasty. It is true. 100% true. We can go over it. No, we don't have to go over it right now. I'm just letting you know that I did a list. And you don't subscribe to any Republican. Yes, I do. Like what? I'm pro-gun. No, you're not. I'm anti-abortion. You're not pro-gun. You're not anti-abortion. You didn't say that.

No, because I- You didn't say that Sunday, dude. Let me tell you, he didn't say that Sunday. How about- I'll tell you what he said. How about gay marriage?

- No. - Yup. No. - Where's your brother? - Well, listen, he doesn't go on camera. - It doesn't matter. Anyway, he can defend. I'm not. - Just don't. Just let him defend himself. - Because listen, because we were at that place and all, I could tell that it was just a lot of other people like that, unfortunately. So I didn't want to hurt any feelings. So I was just trying to- - The Comedy Store. - Yeah, I love. - You know what I mean? - But we were outside. - The LBGQ fucking Mecca.

Yeah, what are you talking about? So other principles, like what makes you more Republican, you think? What do you eat for breakfast? Two waffle and a chocolate milk. Sounds pretty liberal to me, bud. No. Yeah, a Republican would eat eggs and steak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. That's dinner. That's dinner time. Dinner? What do you mean?

Republicans don't eat dinner, dude. We're out there plotting and scheming. Oh, you're a Republican? Come on, man. Come on, bud. You know what I mean? Bud, come on. Because I know you're a liberal. This is a Republican show. This is a hardcore Republican show. Yeah. That's why you fit in great. Yeah. Should the government increase or decrease military spending? What do you think? All the way up. Increase it. I want it to go to like five trillion a year. Yeah.

We're there. All right. Should the US remain in the United Nations? No. No. Okay. Why? Wait, wait, why? Oh, we're doing a liberal test? Yeah, yeah. Look at me right now. Why? Why what? Why should we get out of the US? Basically.

Because that one's made so- United Nations. Like a real liberal. He doesn't know what the fuck it even says. Shut the fuck up, guys. Can we get that over with? Should we remain in the United Nations? Why? Why? Why no? Because the United Nations is made for the peace and all that, but if we leave, then we can start to maneuver on other countries. That's right. Whoa. Should foreign terrorism suspects be given constitutional rights? No. No. Lock them up, throw away the key. Kill them right away. Kill them right away. Gone. Straight away. Are you a fan of Guantanamo?

Which one is that? Yeah. It's over there by Encino. Oh, it's in Encino? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes Tarzana, Encino, Guantanamo. Yeah. Maybe I've been over there on accident. Maybe I passed by on the way. Yeah, there's a really good coffee bean there. Oh, it is so good. Yeah, it's like the first one, I think. How many white BMWs are in your driveway right now? Oh, no, I'm not Armenian, but there's a lot of...

Great question, dude. Thank you. Dude, great question, dude. Should welfare recipients be tested for drugs? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Why do you want to find out that they're on drugs? Because I want to go, I want to tell me I'm a Republican. Right. Right. That's good. Okay. You're like Middle Eastern Trump. Should the technology of our financial system transition to a decentralized protocol that's not owned or controlled by any corporation similar to the internet? Don't understand. Understand. That's my, yeah, I figured that one. Should the US raise taxes on the rich? Oh, wow.

No, I want it to go down. Way down. Only for the rich, though. No, but the rich, they work for their money. That's why. Wow. That's right. And I have a lot of money. I don't want to be taxed. Should the government continue to fund Planned Parenthood? No. No, right. You want to shut it down. I want to put them in jail. Right. Oh, God. What's your stance on abortion? We already know that you're pro-life. I already said it earlier. Okay, can I stop? Stop for a second, okay? May I stop for a second? Sunday...

He said, I go, gay marriage. He goes, yeah. Oh, that's a lie.

That's not true. Look at me right now, dude. It didn't happen. Matan, look at me right now. So one of you guys is lying, it seems like. Number two, I go, I asked you about the border. And I said I want to- He goes, I like Mexicans. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. You said I like Mexicans. Did you not say you like Mexicans? I said we needed more white babies. Okay, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. No, you didn't, right? He does have a point. I asked you about guns, right? I said I want an automatic- No, you go- I said I want an automatic- This is what he said. Can I just, may I talk now? No.

- I love you, dude. Thanks for coming. Look at me. - It's making me angry because I'm on my name. - This is what he said, okay? He goes, "Well, you know, a lot of these school shootings are with, you know what I mean, AK-47, so we should get rid of those." - Oh, you want to know what my, not to interrupt you, but I have a solution for that without taking away the guns. - What? - Do you think a school shooter is able to, with the gun, whatever, it doesn't matter what gun, let's say he has an automatic, it doesn't even matter. Do you think he can take down one guard, like police dog?

Listen, but can you do it? Wait, wait, stop. Can he shoot a dog? I didn't even understand. One of those school guys versus one trained dog. Can he take him down? Yes or no? Well, with a gun, yeah. Okay, what about five? Yeah. Ten?

He's getting a little closer now, right? Yeah, 10 is getting a little shaky. Okay, what about 100? 100, no chance. Okay, so what if we do 100 of those dogs per classroom, per school? 100 dogs per classroom, per school. So you're talking about, what are we talking? In a classroom, in a school, you're talking 40 classrooms?

Yeah, somewhere like that. Well, let's double down. How about some lions? Well, they're not... I don't think there's enough of that. Well, they're not trained or legal. He's proposing something legal. Oh, that's not my bad. That does make sense. There's guard dogs for each student in the school. And then every... This is the problem, dude. Yeah. Feeding those dogs is... No, you know what? It costs a lot of money. That's their issue. But what we need to do, they're going to know to attack when there's a loud noise. They're

they're gonna just start going crazy and get whoever they can get. So they're just gonna eat the kids as well? No, no, just whoever. So you're gonna lose some of the kids?

It's possible. Okay. I thought you were gay. Oh. Oh, yeah. And you were like- Look, I picked the blue chair, not the pink. Smart. That's smart. He asked me, that other Asian guy asked me. He said, do you want to sit in the blue chair or the pink? I said, blue. Does your family play chess in the fucking park in Griffith Park? What Asian? What other Asian? What Asian? That guy? That guy's Mexican. That guy?

You think that guy's Asian? Yeah, that guy's Mexican. That guy's Mexican. No, he's not. Yeah, he's from Mexico City. I don't believe that. Well, he's been my friend for 30 years. Hola. See, that didn't sound real. Well, no, he's a gay Mexican. They always talk how they do it. I know, that's double down for you. You ask him to move a little back. Make him uncomfortable. You move back to Mexico? That would be preferable, but fortunately... What do you think, Juan? Juan.

No, no. Okay, that's fine, John. I mean, the amount of weed that he must have smoked today. Yeah, did you smoke a lot of weed? A little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a little. A lottle. Okay, well, fine. Guy, you do what you do. We're just a fan of yours.

They don't have water at home school? Do you know how to work that? Yeah, I got it open. It just took me a second. Okay. Well, take a drink out of it. Oh, no. No, we'd love to see you drink. But I don't... What if you guys put something in it? Because you just said something funny. You just cracked the seal. You just saw the seal crack open. I just want to make sure you're not a narc. Okay, I'll take a sip. Take a sip. Take a sip. Don't hide it. Don't hide it. Oh, it tastes really good. Oh.

Did he have a sip? I think he got a little. It looked like he had a sip. Oh, yeah. Look, I really took a sip. Yeah. That's a good bit, dude. You have painted nails? Yeah. And you saw that Sunday and you complimented it Sunday. No, no. You complimented it. Go fuck yourself. Hey, kid, go fuck yourself. You know, look at the YouTube. Go back to my YouTube and go down. Look, I want to show you that I'm not kidding around about that. That's horrible. About what's horrible? Painted nails? I kicked somebody out of my podcast for that.

But he was a little more feminine than you, that's why. Uh-huh. Here, go down a little bit. Yeah, there he is. Look, the one with the fire. Uh-huh. You see? Yeah. I got him out. Uh-huh.

Why? Because he painted his nails. Okay. And what is that? Oh, he was painting his nails while he was shooting? No, I just realized in the middle of the podcast he painted his nails and I told him to leave. Okay. Yeah, because it's feminine? Because it's beta. Yeah, it's beta. All right, so, Matan, watch. I'm doing it. Are you getting rid of it? No, I'm painting it. And what would you say? Oh, if I saw this? No, let's act. Oh, hypothetical. Hypothetical.

Do you see me painting my nails actually? No, this is a fucking bit. Okay, let me try. All right. You calling the cops? Yeah.

I was trying to get to the number. It's not illegal anymore, man. It's not illegal? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not anymore. No, what would you... I want you to yell at me. No, I wouldn't confront you myself. I would take a picture of you or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I would have somebody find you later that day. Whoa. Can we do a version of this?

- Whoa. - Whoa. - Can we do a version of this where you do yell? - What would you have somebody find him and do? Like have his nail polish over and take it off? - No, just say hello, touch him a little bit. Just like not a happy touch, just say hello to him. Just make sure everything's okay with him. - Yeah. - Yeah.

God, man, those Israeli soldiers are wild. They're wild. I know they're wild. Oh, no. Don't associate me with that stuff. Oh, that's right. Sorry about that. That's what you said Sunday. But anyway. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You, you. What did I say on Sunday about that? Yeah, you love Israel. No. Yeah, yeah. Hold on. Hold on. That's not what I said. Yeah, you, you. You told me. No, you did. No, you told me you love Israel. I said that. I did not say that. I said I. I said no. I told you that I. Hold on. Hold on. I said, hey, listen. Hold on. Hold on.

I said I'm not. Am I speaking something? Yeah. I'm speaking in tongue right now. You're telling me that I'm not kosher? You're kosher. You're telling me I'm not? You are not. I'm not. I'm haram? Haram. Oh, so I'm saying you're bad. I'm bad. You're bad. Well, you don't even know. I realize what you're saying. Was haram a real word? Yeah, in Arabic. Fuck yeah. See? Yeah, good. I speak in tongues, bro. You're good with Arabic. You've always been good. Wait, wait, wait. Forbidden. Forbidden.

Haram means it's forbidden or unlawful. I'm trying to transfer my speaking tongue, but he's not doing it.

- Habibi. - Very good. Bibi. - Habibi. - Habibi. - Habibi means my love. - Habibi mean my love? - No, but listen, I'm no longer Israeli. I'm a born again Armenian, just so you know. - God bless. - You were telling me Sunday about like you're saving yourself until you get married. - Oh yeah. - Yeah. That's nice. - That'll be a while. - Old school. It'll be a while you think? - Huh? - It'll be a while, huh? - It's possible, yeah. - So you've never had a girlfriend? - No. - Okay. - Have you ever had girls that are friends?

No, no, no, really. I try to stay away from them. Right. Well, that would make it tougher to have a girlfriend then too. Yeah. Oh, another thing you were saying. What's your idea of a perfect date if you're going to take a girl on a date? A romantic date? No, no, no. Just a purely platonic date with a woman. A platonic date? With a woman, yeah. I wouldn't do a platonic date. Right. So give me the romantic one. Oh, um...

I don't know. I never thought about it. I'm trying to... Okay, here, Matan. Like Buffalo Wild Wings? Matan, pick this out, all right? I know you don't like to play in a scenario. Yeah, I don't like... I know, but we're going to do it right now. Okay. Okay? So I'm just curious to see how you would pick up on a girl. So let's suppose you're at the Glendale Mall. Galleria. You love it there, right? A lot of my new people are over there. Yeah, here, yeah. Right? And so I'm over at the Sephora. You see me... Just play it. This is a scenario. Okay, all right.

I'm like I'm getting makeup right and you think and you want to be a man or a woman I'm a woman beautiful woman dude look at him Hey, see what are you doing? So he gets nervous. So I want you to act it out See what you would say. Okay. Are you ready? Beautiful woman beautiful woman. Okay, so now Bobby Lee. No, I'm Lucy Liu Oh, no, I wouldn't go up Sandra. Oh, does that just sound like Asian people? I'm sorry. Yeah. Oh, you don't like Asians. Oh

All right Olivia Munn yeah, it's a white happy. Yeah. I don't know just give it doesn't matter I won't go Margot Robbie look at Margot Robbie whatever sure Robbie how she sounds yeah, I don't know pretty accurate pretty accurate right hey This is go ahead and see what you would say. Oh, I'm trying to what am I doing you're trying to ask me out on a fucking date man I don't want to ask Bobby. Oh, no you don't

I'm Margot Robbie in this scene. Oh, so there's Margot Robbie there? I am. So why are you the Margot Robbie? Because I'm acting. But why not him or the other Asian guy? No, no, because they're not on the show. Matan, just do it. Oh, just interact with your hypothetical? Yeah, yeah, hypothetical. I'm Margot Robbie. But what am I trying to do? Ask me on a date. Do I know that it's a celebrity or no?

Yeah. You know who she is. Also, but... Okay, let me think, because then I'm going to approach it differently. Okay, good, good. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Just... Instinct. Hello, what's your name? It's a good start. Very good start. You can't laugh at this. I'm trying to... I'm Margot. I'm Margot. I'm Margot Robbie. Oh, the celebrity? Wow. Wow. What the fuck? That was crazy. What are you doing, sir? I think maybe he had a muscle twitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sir, what was that? Why are you coming in your face?

What's wrong with you? Well, he's embarrassed about how he just acted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll see you. My eyes hurt a little bit. Okay, okay, okay. I mean... That's what love feels like, bud. No, you missed the point of what I did. You wouldn't be talking anymore. Elbow. Oh, let's get over again. I don't know, all right? Okay. Hello, what's your name? Margot. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Whoa. Whoa, dude. Well, yeah, maybe... Oh, wow. What are you doing? Dragging your legs? Yeah. He's going to cry. It's emotional. Are you crying? Yeah, I felt really bad. All right. Water time. Water break. Get some more of that water on your jacket. You know what? Maybe you and I should talk for a bit. Let him... Yeah, well, we can... Let's have him plug something and we can...

He's here to plug something, right? No. Oh, I'm doing a promo? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm sponsored on this podcast. Do your promo. Yeah. Do it. I'm not understanding. I don't have a sponsor though. I think you do. I have a sponsorship? No, listen. You just broke the table. No. How the fuck do you mean? Did I really? No. Yeah. It's been broken. Yeah. How the fuck? Are you making money off of YouTube? No. I sell a course.

I guess that would be my promo. You can buy my course. I'm going to teach you a lot of stuff, how to get girls, make money. Okay. Teach you all different stuff. Okay, good. Yeah. Well, those who can't. You can make a lot of money with my course. Oh, you can. But you don't make a lot of money, but other people can. If they go to your course. Really? It's only me. You're the only one? Yeah.

That's signing up for your own course? No, I'm the only, they're not making money. They're not making money. Okay, so you make all the money from them. How much does it cost to join the course?

Because I'm telling them, you can't hear the mic, right? No, we can't hear it. But I'm telling them that if they join the course, they're going to make money and then the course tells them that they need to start a course with my affiliate link. Right. How much? Oh, that's genius. To join, it costs like $100. $100? Oh, anybody can join my course for $100. But also, can I just say something? Yeah. They can't hear me, okay? Okay. They can't hear you? No, they can't hear you. All right. So what I'm saying is just, you know,

Sunday when we were talking, you're liberal, right? No, I'm not a liberal. Anyway, so what I was going to say is that, you know, so you tell them to teach a course, but you get 10% of what they do, right? So it's a pyramid. Oh, no. Well, yeah, actually. Yeah, yeah, actually. That's the way to make money. Oh, no, but not a pyramid. I let them start other courses. I know, but you're... I know. Okay. Okay.

But what I'm saying is that you still, when they're teaching other courses, you just get a percentage of their course. Not 10%, more than that. Well, 25%, whatever it is. 20, whatever, what am I? Okay, 30%, 30%. That's fair. Not 80, that's insane. But that's what I'm charging them. Okay. Go back, take your mic off now so everyone can hear you.

I think I'm going to get out of here. Why? I was just thinking about tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on tomorrow? I want to know about the course. Oh, you want to know about my course? I want to know about the course. What about it? That's smart. Yeah. As a salesman, that's smart. You make me dig to find out. I like that. Try selling you the course? Yeah, sell me the course. How much money do you make?

I make $22,000 a year. $22,000 a year? Yeah. Are we interacting with you or is it just a random person? Either way, man, take the ball and run with it. I make $22,000 a year. Oh, that's not a lot of money. How are you affording rent? Well, I mean, I'm barely getting by, but my wife makes a pretty fair amount of money and she does- Also, the wife is making more money than you. You're a beta. And if you don't want to be a beta, then I'm going to help you. But if you want to continue-

Excuse me, I'm his wife. Yeah, that's really rude. I'm not going to speak to women. Don't put your hand in front of my face, okay? Thank you. I'm not listening to women about business. All right. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Take your fucking... I'm a fucking judge. Hold on. Hey, babe. I'm a judge. Babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe. Congratulations. Babe. Babe. Will you stop doing that too? Well, it's kind of helping. So listen, how do we get...

How do I make enough money to leave this fucking bitch? Sorry. But you need to join my course. How do I make enough money to leave this fucking bitch? I'm going to...

I'm gonna teach you multiple different ways. I'm gonna teach you crypto trading. We already do crypto trading. Hey, you fucking kid. Moron. Where'd you go? Where'd he go? Baby love. He's gone. Oh, there he is. That's why you're not making any money through crypto because your wife is involved.

So I got to get her out of my life. Is she telling you which ones to buy and sell? She always has, yeah. That's why you're losing because it's a woman doesn't know when it's going to go up and down. The man knows. Only men can know that kind of stuff. Only alpha men. And you're right now a beta, so you would lose money anyways. Okay, can I just say something right now? I can still see you with your hand in front. I can see you. Okay, I'm going to let you know. So anyway, I own our house, right, honey?

- Oh. - Honey, do I own our house? - Yeah, she does. - Yo, our house is $12.5 million in Beverly Hills, okay? - And this guy makes 20,000 a month? - Yeah, right? - No, no, no. - But he's got a great dick.

Okay, and I like to fuck his dick. Thank you, baby. Yeah, you're welcome. All right. What do you think about that? Say this at least you live at home with your parents No, I live in no you don't you live in a man. Do you live at home with your parents with your brother? No 12.6 million dollar mansion in Beverly Hills. Oh, it's bigger than mine by one by the What's the address? The address? Yeah, what's the address? Well, you go there every day you my really huge. Oh, that's the address Oh, I'm not gonna give you my address. Yeah Pacific

- I don't want to- - Well, what if we just want to send you like a card in the mail? - Yeah. - But I don't want a woman involved with the mail. That's going to end really bad. - Yeah. - Yeah. Women shouldn't touch mail. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I've said that for years. - That's insane. - No, I've said that. - What you're saying is insane. - What I'm saying is insane? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, it's because I'm writing- - Do you love your mother? - Yeah, but she doesn't get involved with business. - Do you love your mother? - Yeah. - You respect her? - Yeah. - Respect women. - If they know the place.

She doesn't get involved with the business in the house. Right. What about outside the house? What do you mean? She's not going to go outside the house to do business. Is she allowed outside of the house?

Well, that's not up to me. Who's it up to? Well, no, that's up... No, no, no, no. Not up to God? God? No, because she's in jail right now, but regardless. God is in fucking jail? No, no. My mother is in jail right now. What did she do? Really? Yeah. What did she do? So that would be up to the police. What did she do? What she do? Yeah. I don't think I can say it. Am I allowed? Yeah, you are. Because it was a really nasty felony. Yeah.

Why don't you take a look at one of your attorneys up there? They might tell you if you're allowed to say it. Yeah, you're good, man. There you go. They're allowed? Yeah, you're good. Okay, well, she was going to give me a car. And she tried to steal it. No, I mentioned it earlier. I had my body going to give me a car so I can learn to drive. Unfortunately, they got her. Grand Theft Auto. No, no, no Grand Theft Auto. That's what they claim, but she didn't do it. Yeah, I know. How did she get the car then?

But she was in it for a little and then they, I mean, by going like 105 on the freeway, that's why I didn't want her to drive in the first place. How big is the bed that you sleep in? Is it a twin? I bet you it's a...

It's not a king. It's a single? Single, yeah. Really? Like one of those race car beds. Who tucks your sheets? Do your mom tuck your sheets at night? She's in jail. No, she's not. She's not. Because you talk to how much you love your mother. Yeah, I think you love your mommy. Yeah, yeah. And you love your father. I think you love your mommy and your pop. Yeah, I do. You do. And I bet your mommy, she does your laundry and she makes your bed. She used to, but now it's jail. But you're describing

- Every night, every night, every night. - They're describing a woman's role in the household. See, you were doing it subconsciously. I caught you there. You said you love your mother. She does the laundry and the dishes and tucks you in the bed. So you just described what a woman's supposed to do. - He just got me, dude. - He got you good. - Oh, fuck, dude. - You deep down are able to become alpha, but you-- - Oh, I'm not alpha? - Right now, if you-- - What would you describe me as? Beta. - Yeah, beta. - You think I'm a bitch. - Yeah, basically.

It's unfortunate you had potential. You ever had a 17 year old call you a little bitch? No, I didn't say that. I'll be honest with you, no. And it fucking makes me so angry. It makes me so, this isn't good. No, it doesn't do anything. Yeah, I think we figured that out. Yeah, yeah. I'm drinking. Yeah, yeah. No, I took a sip. He's drinking and I'm watching. Hey, hey dude, you're a bitch too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But that doesn't mean anything. Yeah, that's true. Why? Because I'm a beta saying it? Yeah. Okay. And Alpha calls you a bitch and it hurts, huh?

- Oh, if well, they won't do it. - Why is that? - Because they know not to say to a different alpha. - Alpha can't do that to another alpha. - They have mutual respect for alpha. - Listen, kid, in a physical confrontation between you and I. - Do you think you would be in a fight?

- Yeah. - That's just, that's false. - You're false. - Don't these guys all know Krav Maga? - Oh yeah, they do. - No, no, no. That one is for those fucking Israeli people, but there's a new one I'm learning. - What's it called? - I forget, that's how I'm trying to think. - Jiu-jitsu? - No, not jujitsu. - Huh. - Really funny. - Thanks. - Dude, jujitsu is funny, dude. - Thanks, man. - Yeah. Anyway, okay.

You want to wrestle? Bobby was a fucking state wrestler. I don't want to touch him. What's your favorite meal? A raw piece of cow. A piss of cow? Raw piece, like a raw slab of the meat. A raw cut of steak. Yeah. Yeah. Like a carpaccio situation, which is thinly sliced.

No, no. Tartare. No, just one like this, like that one. Like a T-bone steak. This is a guy that's never probably eaten a steak. When you describe steaks like this, it's like somebody's... It's a square. Yeah, yeah. You get a square of fucking cow meat and you eat that. Yeah, because it doesn't... They cut it so it can cook correctly, but if it's raw, it doesn't matter. So it's a perfect square. Oh, yeah. They cut it to look nice. What cut of the meat? You know what? I know what you eat. Let me guess.

Peanut butter for sure. No, I'm allergic. I'm done. Really? Oh, only what beta would be allergic to peanut butter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a beta move. So are you allergic or not? Are you beta or not? Whoa. Well, for one, it better than... Get him some of that peanut butter. Make him eat it in front of us to prove it. Right now, there's peanut butter over there. Make him fucking eat it. Yeah. I want to prove that you're... I bet you love macaroni and cheese.

It's not bad. Yeah, okay. Go over there and go get one of those. And then you like jelly? There's cashews over there. Go get them. You're saying I like peanut butter sandwich? Yeah. What does the macaroni have to do with that? I don't know. Just a separate thing. So peanut butter and jelly sandwich and probably cheesy macaroni. You love it. Ooh, you like cheesy mac. I don't like the way he did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come here. Are you allergic to peanuts? You're allergic to nuts? No, I can all eat some. This is to prove if you're an alpha. No, but that says cashew. Same thing, dude. Yeah, yeah. Open up.

Oh, an alpha would have caught it. That's nervous. That makes me nervous. Come on. You try to throw it over there. No? Okay, put it in your mouth. You want me to eat it? Yeah, you have to. Oh, wow. You know what I realize? No. You should be a magician. Oh, magic? You're good at sleight of hand. Yeah. Like, I didn't know where that cashew went. You don't know where it went?

Yeah, yeah. What's he do? Oh, Shin Lim, move over. What the fuck? That's magic, dude. Okay, show me the peanut or the cashew and then make it disappear. Go. Move over, Shin Lim. Move over. Wow. Move over, Shin Lim. It's Schindler. Yeah, it's Schindler. Yeah. So let's plug your podcast. My podcast? Yeah. Okay.

Do you want me to do it or you to do it? I think you should do it. I don't know anything about it. I literally don't want to do it. Okay, please. Your guy's not even subscribed on the TV. No. Oh, there we go. Unsubscribe. Yeah, so please, guys. Unsubscribe, please. I guess the people watching, I do my own thing. Look, our last guest, I don't know when this will release. He was a homeless guy on crack. That was the last guest.

So yeah, hopefully in future I can get some better guests and please take a look at it. It's gonna be a great podcast. - Okay, before you go though, can I ask you another question? Because he has, we were talking about Sunday, you said you had an interest in doing standup? - Yeah, I've never done it because they don't let me, I'm 17. - I know, because I met him at the Comedy Store. He was just kind of wandering around there. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? He literally was just kind of hovering around. He goes, "Hey." - I was gonna try to get in, that's why. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You remember that, not my brother, you remember the other guy I had with me? - Yeah. - He went in the kitchen.

I swear, he literally went in the kitchen. And what did he do? He reported back whether or not we could get inside through the kitchen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you can do it through there. It doesn't work? It doesn't work. He said there was an entrance through there. There's no entrance through there. Yeah. You'd have to go through the manager's office.

I don't know. I never went in. Anyway, so you're thinking about doing it? Yeah. Okay, good. When are you going to start? I don't know. I wanted to call the people. I want to see if any of them... Give us a bit right now. Oh, you want me to do stand-up? Yeah. Oh, shit. That's on the spot, though. Is there a topic or what is it? I'm just bringing you up. Hey, guys, welcome to Chuckle Chuckles. Love this fucking place. Dude, you're in a mood today. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're tired. I'm not tired. Okay.

Hey, welcome to Chuckle Chuckle. I'm Alfie Smith. Hey, Alf. Hey, everybody. Love this. Ba-da-boom, bang, bang, ding, ding, bang, bang. What's up? Woo! Anyway. That's a good comment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey. Oh, he's got a claw hand. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

What do you think? And they compete. I would leave. They're competing. You're backstage. Yeah, yeah. I got to warm up the crowd, dude. Oh, so I don't hear this? Yeah, you're backstage. You're going, oh my God, can I follow this? You're nervous. You're nervous. You're like, this guy's crushing. Oh, okay. Anyway, yeah. What is up with...

Putting the trays down on the airplane. What is that about? Yeah, what is it about? It's like, hey, if it crashes, we're all gonna die anyway. Right. You know? And then it's like the emergency. I can do it. Yeah. Anyway, look at the tiger. Anyway, next comic coming to the stage. Wow, he's from Glendale. Yeah. Yeah, he's Armenian, I think. Yep. Matan, give him a round of applause, everybody. Hey, guys. What's going on? Hey, let's do some crowd work.

Hey sir, what's your name? Is that your, I don't know, I'm gonna imagine I'm talking to them, right? Hey, you're white, but your girlfriend is black. What's up with that? Hey, take a look at him. Let's do some crowd work. That guy is Asian. Out! Hey, let's, I think we've had enough crowd work. Let's make some jokes. Hey, all right, let's do some crowd work. What's up with your girlfriend, man?

Is that still the same black girl, black guy? Yeah. I'm targeting him a little bit. Oh, yeah. It's great. I love when you target. Yeah. Hey, well...

Yeah, we don't allow that type of interracial in here. Just like that guy over there. So you might need to leave the... What was the place called? Chuckle, Chuckle. Chuckle, Chuckle. You might need to leave the building. So Asian guy's gone and the white girl with the black guy's gone too. Yeah, they just left. No, white man with the black girl and the Asian's out. Less likely, but yeah, I get it. That one's not as likely? Yeah. I know what you're saying, but yeah.

Keep going. I love it. We're in the crowd too, man. Yeah, we're in the crowd. Okay, let me think. Let me... Hey, you suck. Hey, let me think. I'm coming up with something. Yeah, this guy fucking sucks. Hey, hold on. I'm trying to think. Hey, man. We want our fucking money back, dude. Tell a joke, fucker. Where's Longneck? All right, here we go. So... Oh, I have a crazy story. You guys want to hear my crazy story? Yeah. It was 1990. Better than the racism? No, no.

Don't call me racist, but listen, this is the story. It's unbelievable story. It's 1993. I'm in class in college or whatever. And I don't want to go to class, but the teacher says, please, you have to, or I can't teach the class.

What are you laughing at? - Just cause I can't, yeah. - One second, one second. I need to remember the story. - Oh, he's gonna reset. - Reset. Stop for the top, stop for the top. - Want me to restart it? - This happens to all the best comics. You're good. - Yeah, we do that. - All right, so sorry about that. I forgot the story. So I'm in Spanish class. The teacher said, "Hey, make sure to come to class, but I don't want to go." And anyways,

Let's skip a little forward. It results in me taking Russian classes. I do Russian 1, Russian 2, Russian 3. Now it's Russian 4. We're going to Russia, okay? We get off the train and this is back when Russia was owned by the mob. It's run by the mob. So the teacher says, hey, so these are your two security guards here.

I forget the names. One of them was like Igor or something, right? So then they said, don't get near them. They don't want to talk to you. And then after we're at the hotel or something and I leave my room, they said, don't get near them. But I knocked on the door and then he opened it and he said something in Russian. And I didn't know what to do. I'm getting nervous. I go, I'm the machine. Right. And then he liked it and he let me in. Okay. And so we started drinking with him and he tells all the Russian people, he tells them, I'm the machine. Right.

So I'm drinking vodka with my friends, the new Russian friends. And then from there, I don't know, I'm trying to think. He told everybody to leave me alone. So I'm the one running it with them, right? I'm hanging out with the two mobster guys who's running Russia now. And then on our way to Moscow, I'm sitting in the back. The two Russians come and get me. They say sit in the first class with us. I think the crowd works better. No, no. This story gets better. Okay.

Love this story. Okay, sorry, my bad, my bad. Let him tell this is a great story. I've heard this before. No, you haven't. It's brand new. No, I thought you've told me this story before. Oh, I said this story? Yeah. Probably a lot of times. Yeah, a bunch. I'm gonna keep telling it. What happens on the train? Oh, on the train,

The teacher comes to the front and then my friend Igor, he spits vodka in our eyes. Isn't that crazy? Why would he do that? It's unbelievable. And guess what? And then after we rob- It is pretty unbelievable. It's not believable at all. At all. But it's real.

Okay. So then what happened? Yeah. So then I'm thinking we robbed the little train cart. You're wanting to rob the train. Well, no. They told me, hey, take some vodka, take some money. And then I realized I'm the only one. I'm stealing from it. Wow. Whoa. Right? Right.

- What ends up happening? - Anyway, so then the teacher, here's the best part. So then the teacher- - Let's laugh. - No, no, it's gonna get better. - Okay, okay. - So then the teacher says, "I called the police on you guys." And then we steal all the rest of the stuff at night. And then, "Hey, hey, hey, hold on." - Okay. - Hey, hey. - See, I'm gonna- - I'm at a comedy club. Don't tell me when to laugh or not. - I'm listening to the comedian. - Poof on you.

All right. See, you'll get spit on when you do that kind of stuff. Fuck, fuck, all right, sorry. Fucking sorry. I thought it was a comic book. I paid good money to be in here. It's just spit on my face. Well, then go outside. All right, sorry. Yeah, okay, so anyways, the train stops. The police are outside. So I get out of the trog. I'm in the train. The trog? Trog, yeah. Well, no, trog. Is the front of the train called a trog?

Truck. Truck? Truck? There's a truck on the train? Truck. Oh, a truck. Yeah. Oh, the middle car. No. Hey, guy. I don't think you got it. What the fuck is this? Let him tell the joke. Oh, yeah. I just, I just, I didn't. Yeah, it's a truck. Everyone knows it's a truck. Oh, truck. After we walk out of the truck, I mean the train. Yeah, the truck, dude. Right. Okay. So then the police are there.

And then the police, they're taking statements from the teacher and all the students. Right. And then we party with the police because my Igor told them I'm the machine. Whoa. You know, most comics won't clap after their own shit, but I fucking love that. That's a great story. Yeah, that's a great story. Was that in Bert's movie? Who's that? What do you mean? What's with the machine mean?

I don't get it. Don't look at me like I'm... What's going on? You're the odd man out here. I know. Well, explain. I'm the machine. What's that? You got it? Trogs. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Trogs. It's about trogs. I was waiting for you to get the trogs part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was probably the sickest part. Yeah. Do you believe in God?

Yeah, I do. You do? Yeah. I was going to say because I know you have a history with that. History with my relationship with God? My personal relationship with God? Your history with that conversation. We believe in God. That's good to know. Yeah. Do you believe in God? Oh, yeah. What do you think he thinks about you? Oh, I think he loves me. I've been getting close with him recently. Are you a Jesus guy? Yeah. Me and Georgianko. You love Jesus. Yeah. What's your favorite thing that Jesus did?

- My favorite story is the book of Job. - Oh, tell, explain, I don't know it. - That's my favorite. - Honestly, I've heard about Job, I heard it's a great book. - It's a great book. - Right, Genesis was great, you know what I mean? But-- - I tried to get it on audio, but you can't find it anywhere. - You don't know that story? - I don't know anything about Job, so just in a nutshell-- - I think it proves God is real. - In a nutshell, explain to me the story of Job. - Okay, so God and Satan, they're talking, and then Satan tells-- - Like on a phone? - No, in heaven.

Yeah, on a phone. Oh, so sometimes Satan goes up there. I think he used to be an angel or something. I'm getting more knowledgeable on it. Satan was an angel. Oh, yeah, I know that. But I don't think during Job they were still hanging up in heaven. Regardless, they were speaking somewhere. Well, I'm sure they were in line somewhere together and they ran into each other. Yeah, they were talking. That must happen. There's a Starbucks? What are you talking about? There's a Pete's Coffee. Oh, Pete's Coffee up there. Okay, so at that Pete's Coffee, Satan and God are in line.

Well, regardless, yeah. Okay. So then Satan told him- You know they have a journeys up there in heaven? Shoes? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I thought that was fucking wild. That's pretty vans. They just added it, yeah. Yeah, and those funny socks. I love color of socks. Funniest socks. Yeah, God. What can't stans do?

Exactly. This guy, just make the best. Stance? Are you kidding me? What do they, what can they not do? Probably make shoes. Yeah, they don't make shoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's probably a big, that's probably a big market they should have capitalized on. Yeah, but every mall I go to, I always stop by the Hot Topic and I always go by the Journeys. So I go to- Because they're all different. And he ends pretzels. Got to get me a hot pretzel. What kind do you have? The one with the shit all over it.

Cheese, you mean? Well, yeah. Honestly, you sound like you don't know what's there. Well, it's not cheese, is it? They have a jalapeno one with like some cheese on it. Oh, that one. I like that one. And what kind of sauce do you get? The bog sauce. The bog sauce is so good, dude. Do they even make the fucking bog sauce? Because sometimes it's a Harry Potter theme, so they have a bog. Yeah, they have a bog sauce. A bog sauce.

And what else do you go? In the mall? Yeah. I'll go to fucking- Have you ever been shopping with Andrew in New York? He knows all the good spots. I did, I do. When we walk down, we are like, let's come in here and you're always right. You know where you catch me? You're always right about everything. You know where you catch me the most? In lids.

Fuck yeah, dude. I can't. I can't stand love. I love it. Let me tell you something. I love Lids. You don't tell me something about Lids. What? How much does a Lids hat cost? We'll get right back to you, Mateen. Yeah. The book of Job. Yeah, we're going to get to the book of Job. How much is that hat? How much is that Lids hat? That's so affordable. $30, $40, right? So affordable. Okay. You're telling me they sell enough fucking hats to have a store in the mall? Lids is 100% a front.

Hats? Right. How many fucking hats are people buying every day?

Lids is selling that many fucking hats. What's going on back there? This sounds like a, it looks like a pizza party place if you know what I'm saying. Yeah. Who owns Lids? It's Ruben. Michael Ruben, CEO of Fanatics. Ruben created an apparel and logistics company, Global Sports Incorporated. Let's look deeper into Ruben. Let's look deeper into Ruben. Look at his hair. He doesn't have any. He doesn't have any. And that says a lot. He's never wearing a hat either. Okay, go to his Wikipedia. Businessman, they say. Yeah. Scroll in. Get in tighter.

Now scroll down. Career. Let's see. Anything conspiratorial? Keep going. Keep going. Personal life philanthropy. This will be a front. This is good. Make a wish. All in challenge. Sounds like bullshit. Raise more than 60 million. Okay, let's go down. Media appearance. Let's go back to job maybe. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Yeah, there is personal. Go down. Go down to personal. Stop. Stop. Stop. Ruben is divorced from local dance teacher Megan Spector. Now Megan, not Megan. He hosts a white party.

In the Hamptons, Independence Day, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Bieber, Brady, Kim Kardashian. You've been to that party? No, dude. This is an infamous Illuminati party. It's called the White Party? The White Party. It's out in the Hamptons. This is a famous thing. This is Illuminati Central. Dude. And I'm not even joking. Would you go if you were invited? To the White Party? Yeah. Well, I think I would get. Yeah. Could that be your number, your guest? We'd have to do some serious makeup. Oh. Look at that. Look at that. That's a White Party.

Oh, they all wear white. She's Mexican, Jennifer Lopez now. Whoa. They invite black people though. Oh, they do? Well, now after- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa. After COVID, they had to. No, dude, this is a real party this guy throws in the Hamptons and it's Illuminati Central, they say. Wow. And this is the guy that owns Lids, yes? Mm-hmm. Yes? Wow. And there's Robert Kraft, yes? Mm-hmm.

What else do we need to know? White, white, jizz, jizz party, party time, time to buy a hat. Someone's going to fucking prison, Kevin Hart and James Corden. Wow. Two guys that we know. Uh-huh. I know both those guys. They do not buy hats. They never bought a hat. So what am I saying? Not one guy there has a hat on. This guy owns fucking lids. They're wearing masks and stuff. Mm-hmm.

I don't get invited to things like this. - I know, we're gonna get you something though. - Yeah, yeah. - All right, tell me about the book, Job. - I wanted to go to Eyes Wide Shut party where there's masks. - We can put that well together. - Thank you. - That was awesome. - Where's Job? - Oh, so yeah, to really recap of the book of Job, it's that God and Satan, they made a bet,

And then he said that Satan said Job is only such a devout follower of God because he's wealthy, he has everything happy. So God wants to show Satan that he's wrong. So he burned down his farm. He killed all of his animals. Because God is all about love. Oh, no. Well, listen to the story. You're trying to make some judgment here. I'm not making a judgment. I know God is about love, no? But this story will prove it's real. So give me a minute. Okay, go ahead. So anyways, he burns down his farm. He kills the animals. He kills his family. All right, so I'm Job.

Let's just put myself in Joe's position, all right? My wife that I love and my children and my cow, and I have a llama too. - You always have, we have wild llamas. - I love llamas. And I have two meerkats named Joe and Saul. - Saul. - Yeah. - Saul.

Llama dogs everything dead. I wife my two kids all the money's gone. So I'm like, okay God God God what the fuck I know he said thank you. Thank you For killing everything. Thank you God. All right. That's what he said. Oh, okay And that is at the end of job that proves God is real. I get it. Okay How can you deny it after hearing that? Yeah, but he fucked hard. I

You spit on me. Whoa. You spit on me. Oh, on you. You spit on me. Oh, whoa. Spit on you, okay? I do it better. Yeah. Pai on you. Pai on you. Yeah, well, that, nah, that was okay. Yeah, it was very good. That was better than I was expecting. For a Korean, our lips don't do that. Yeah, I know. That's why I'm surprised. Okay. Right, John? Yeah, yeah. He knows. And he's also Asian. I mean, I can't, I've been thinking about that this whole time.

I know. Yeah. So let me... Let me see. Show me your turn the other way. Do you have both your ears pierced? Yeah. Oh. Unfortunately, they did that to my eyes. That's an alpha thing, buddy. No, I want to get it out. They did it to me when I was a baby. You have tattoos? No. Okay.

No tattoos? No. Not alpha. You think tattoos are alpha? Look at this guy. He has tattoos? Yeah, yeah. Then that's why I'm not going to get any. Okay. Because he has them? Because I don't want to have any similarities with somebody like that. I get that. You love me, you said. No, I did not. Yeah, you did. Sunday, you said I was a big fan. Yeah, and then Sunday, you said that you hated... I

I just did that with my mind. Dude, you keep fucking with Bobby and that, you keep talking. You want to fuck around, dude? That's not good, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. He can make the whole world fall. You want to fuck around or what? Not anymore. That was, that just. Hey, look at me right now, dude.

- Tonight you'll see that. - Oh, what the fuck? - That was another spit. That wasn't supposed to be. - Take a dweesh. - What do you think of that? - That's like black magic but for Asians. - So what do you call it? - Yellow magic. - Yeah, that's right. - Yer-o-magic. - Yeah, yer-o-magic. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop that, I take offense. - Why? - Yellow magic is fine. - He said yellow magic. - No, the second time he did, no, look at me. I can still see you, you're still there, all right?

He's just- Matan, no, no, I think- I'm sorry, John? It sounded like he said yellow magic. John! Back me up, dude. Yeah, no, you said- you did it with an accent. Now what the fuck, dude? You go yayo, yayo. No, no, he said yellow magic. Say it again, say it again. I'm trying to make it so you understand what I'm saying. I say yellow magic.

I admit what I did. I want you to understand me. It's like when you go to Italy and you go, scusi. You're saying excuse me. I see what he's doing. He's being polite. Being sweet. Okay, you're being sweet. Yeah. You don't have a lot of Asian friends, it seems like. Fortunately. You don't? Yeah, no. Fortunately. Don't say fortune around Asians. It's a delicate thing. It's a trigger word. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we love our cookies. Fuck.

No, but you guys, that was Panda Express. You can't take credit for that. Yeah, they did start- You guys take the fucking credit for the orange chicken. Fuck you, man. What are you talking about? You think you own the orange chicken? It's not real. That one's my- I never said we claim orange chicken. Did I say that out loud? No, I can feel it in your breath. No, I did never talk about orange chicken. I don't like orange chicken. What color chicken did you guys start? Chef Andy Coe. Yeah, he started it. Yep, see, Panda Express. The Hunan province. But let me say something to you. Have you had Korean chicken? No. No.

- Yeah. - Yeah. - And I don't plan to. - Yeah, yeah you will. - No, I won't. - Guess why, I'll tell you why. - Why? - Because after this, we have each other's numbers. - Okay. - I feel like there's gonna be-- - Is that like a threat? - No, I feel like there's gonna be some dinners you and I are gonna have. - Oh. - Oh yeah, you know that. And I'm gonna be your mentor. Yeah, you know that. We talked about it. I'm gonna help you. - Oh, he's overwhelmed.

No, I'm good. No, you're not. No, you're not. Matan, I really like you. I think you're a good kid. Okay. Okay. And I think that there's something about you that's very interesting and I just want to be around wherever it grows, I want to be there. Wherever it grows, it goes. Thank you, Rayville. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. There he is.

I don't know what else. All right. Well, that's it? Yeah, that's it. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Oh, you're back. You're back. Nope. What? Oh, Matan. Oh, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thank you, Matan. Thanks, buddy. Thank you. Thank you. No, I don't know how to get it out. Yeah, yeah. If you take that, I'll break your legs, you know?

South Koreans are dealing with burnout and loneliness by getting pet rocks. I told you they would find a solution. But you realize now, because rocks, they have flat faces. Right? So it's like, of course. Let me tell you something. You can't skip a Korean guy, but you can skip a rock.

That's so true. Kuah Young, 33, told Sohn she didn't have anyone to talk to about the burnout she experienced after starting a new office job in Seoul. Didn't want to worry her friends and family. Felt that getting a pet animal like a cat or dog would have been too much responsibility. So got a pet rock named it Bang Bang E. Bang Bang E. Bang Bang E. Spiber out of the Korean word for jumping and happiness. According to the journal, she says, talks to the rock about her day, carries out in her pocket when she goes out for the walks to the gym. Yeah. I mean, it feels- I love it. It's a good solution. Yeah. And it's cheap.

Yeah, I'm gonna wait until they get those robots going. Yeah. Oh, what? There's a new AI robot that looks pretty real, the girl. I forgot her name.

But no, not in a sexual way. I don't like your look, dude. They're always in a sexual way. Well, they have some sexual undertone. Yeah, there's... I'll get a black guy then, Rob. That would still be sexual. For some reason, that's way more sexual. Yeah, but without... A big, beautiful black man. I won't pay for the genital part. That comes with it. I know. Can you detach it? No. I want to put a little Asian one in there. It's too threatening, but I do want to get an AI.

Welcome home, Bobby. Paul, we can't get you AI, but we have another gift for you. Come here, McCone. Give him a gift. What is it? We got a gift for you, my friend. I got you this gift. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. God. I got you this gift. It's open. I don't know what it is, but it's kind of open. Is that going to make me mad or no? No, that's just extra wrapping. No, it's open because you used it. Oh, my God. No, I accidentally bought two copies. Did you see it? Yeah, dude. That shit's fucked.

Very good. Good or no? Very good. Yeah, but fuck. I watched half of it at like, I watched it in two parts. Yeah, yeah. And like, it is a... Happiness, really dark movie. Bobby wanted it for so long, you can't find it anywhere. It's banned. Yeah, I'm not banned. I just can't. Yeah, it just never got proper distribution because it was rated NC-17 and it's just really hard to market. Yeah.

And if you watch it, you understand why. Who's in it? Anybody famous? Philip Seymour Hoffman, Molly Shannon, John Lovitz. Yeah, we talked about it on the show. Well, congratulations on that. Thank you so much, dude. How does that feel? Good? Dude, this is like one of the best. I mean, I don't have a DVD player. Well, look at this. Do you have a video game? You have an Xbox. PS5. I can watch it on my... Yeah, it's a Blu-ray. On my Xbox, I can? Yeah. Yes. And PS5. Thank you. Hey, now you don't have to get a Pet Rock. Look at that. Yeah, I'm still going to get it. You still should get it. I'm still going to get Pet Rock.

I know what this is. What? This is insane. This is insane. I want to see it. Oh, yeah, Bobby. You guys were eating in Tucson. If this doesn't encompass Tucson as a whole, a cockroach was crawling on Bobby outside while you guys were eating food.

Dude, that night was a nightmare. I'll tell you why. Tucson closes at 5 p.m. Yeah. There was nowhere to eat, so we had to go to a hot dog vendor. So gross. Right. And then these two ladies right there, aside from the cockroaches, they got three photos. What do you mean? Wait. Keep playing it. What was that? Cockroaches.

You just had a cockroach on you and she can't wait to get a photo. Sweet. Cute? Bobby, that's a meet cute. That's a meet cute. Yeah, remember when you had that cockroach on you outside in Tucson? Ha ha ha!

I just fell for you. Would you date her? Is she your type? She looks fucking cool. Yeah, she would, yeah. The tats, I like her tats. Also, that jacket, I can never wear again. Do you know why? Well- Four times people go, you going to work? Yeah. It looks like I'm a chef somewhere. I said that to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also physically, physically. Physically what? It's not flattering physically.

I mean, it makes you look bulbous as shit. Turn the volume off, but go back to the front. I told you that when you wore it, I said you're prettier than that coat. I did. So like that shot right there, like, look at that.

Well, it's the hot dog stuff on me. But this kind of thing- It has relish on me. I know, such like a chef. It feels like it retains shit. You know what I mean? Like that's supposed to have- Oh, I'm never going to wear it again. All right. I'm never going to wear it again. Was that an expensive piece of clothing? It was, yeah. I can imagine it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's got to be handmade in Japan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it in San Fran once. All right, I'll never wear it again. Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah. And no one ever says that's a great jacket or whatever. No, no one did say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that it?

You know what? What? There's this. Oh my God. We didn't even talk about it. Yeah. So let me tell you, where's that at? It's off the 101. And Sunset. No. Did we find out the artist that did this? Yes. This is fucking amazing. It's amazing. It's fucking amazing. This dude is the shit. I love you. I retweeted it and I said, we love LA, man. This was like such a, and honestly, dude. Yeah. This is, I'm not saying keep doing this all over LA. But I am. But please do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's so dope. His name's Sucky Bat. Oh, I love Sucky. I love Sucky. I love Sucky. I mean, COVID joke is just laid all over that with Sucky Bat. Yeah, yeah. Wait, so put the fucking, we'll put his name up there, Sucky Bat. Shout out to that cat. I know this is, we shouldn't probably be promoting graffiti, but I love it. Yeah. I mean, fucking street art is great. Sucky Bat. I thought that was in the Middle East, promoting our Dubai show.

Yeah, well, we could, we would help. If anybody wants to fly to Dubai and tag the walls down there. Yeah. If you do graffiti down there in UAE. Oh, you're done. You get time in, I mean like time in prison, real time. Wow, wow, wow. Real time. Yeah. We're excited to go to Dubai. I can't wait. According to law, UAE, any damages of disfigured public property is considered a crime, includes graffiti. Yeah, how much time? I just want to test it though, no? I'm telling you, you're there alone. I'm not bailing you out. You bail me out.

How about if I spit gum? No. That's in Singapore, right? Yeah, but can I do it there? I don't even think... They're not allowed to have gum in Dubai. No gum. Wow. It's a no-gum country. How about a Mentos? No, I think... And a Cop's Feet. Whoa. I think they just have Tic Tacs. Oh, they do? Yeah. I'll go. Yeah. Because we're playing there and there's all these rules. So, you know, I'm going to... No, there's not a lot. No nudity. No talking bad about UAE.

That's it? That's all you have to do. Can't show any part of your naked body. I'm not going to. If you do- I'm not going to. Please. I won't. Please. I'm not gonna. It sounds like you're gonna. I am. I know. No, I'm not. I'm not going to do it. Know that and then we can't be defamatory about UAE. You can't be like- I don't even know what- I know. You don't even know what that stands for. I can't do that. You can do that. All right. Save that for the casinos. Okay. Thank you for being a bad friend.