Tim Dillon Breaks Down Diddy
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Other fees and additional terms apply. Instacart, bringing the store to your door this Halloween. Andres, Tito Bobby, Andres, Tito Bobby, Tito Andrew, Carlos, McCone. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, come out wherever you are.

Little pigs, little pigs, let me in. Not by the hair on my chin-a-chin-chin. Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in. Here's fancy. Wow, Rudy, I just wanted to let you know that we're live streaming October 24th at 6 p.m. on moment.com slash badfriends. It's gonna be awesome, guys.

Hey, everybody. We're doing a Bad Friends live show. It's called Scary Times USA. Scary Time USA. And how do you watch it? Go to moment.co slash badfriends. It's Thursday, October 24th at 6 p.m. We're going to have exclusive merch available for it. So Bad Friends Scary Time USA. Hey, dude. America, dude.

Yeah, live stream. October 24th at 6 p.m. PST. We're live streaming it. So join us. Moment.co slash bad friends. We'll also be hosting an interactive VIP after party after the show and active patron members can join the VIP after party for free. Scary Times USA. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

- Well, you two are something. - We're bad friends. - Yeah. Oh, see, in Japan, wide eyes is scary. I mean, look at that. That's horror. They can't even come to America. - Really? - They get petrified. - They're scared of us? - Yeah, yeah. If they go to Ohio, dude, they freak out.

Oh, everybody's so scary. That's so funny. Oh, why not? Look at that little boy, dude. A Japanese guy has nightmares of just being in like Canton, Ohio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wakes up downtown, he's like, no, no, no. Yeah. State fair. I don't like a state fair. So much corn. Yeah. So much corn. What was that, Italian? So much corn. All right.

So much corn. So much corn. Don't even get me started. Oh, no. I'm telling you right now, don't even get me started. Hey, forget about it. Oh, no. Yeah, dude. He's back. Yeah, he's back. You know what? It's astonishing to me how fat I've gotten. You're not fat.

Dude, the last couple of podcasts, everybody's talking about how fat I am. Yeah, you're fat. I know. But not bad fat. It's pretty bad, dude. No, no, it's fun fat. You're fun fat. There is a level of bad fat. There is like a line of when you're fat fat. Well, I've had dates on like I've gone to the beach with dates. You know what I mean? And when I take my shirt off, there is like that kind of like hesitation. That is a bad date spot. Why are you going to the beach? What do you mean? The beach is such a bad date spot. Sand. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do picnics.

Do it in a park. Okay, that's right. Go down to Echo Park. Yeah. I bring boba. I bring it all. Buns. Boba buns? Yeah. I bring it all. Tell me for real, how do you wash your laundry? On hot or on tap?

What temperature? Warm? I honestly don't know how any of it works. I just press regular and that's all I know about it. And then sometimes I don't even know how to like my dryer. I don't even know how to do extension of the time. Do you dry everything? Yeah. Well, my blankets are so large that I have to hang them afterwards. I hang dry. You hang dry? I feel like because you're supposed to, it shrinks. Yeah. Yeah.

I have so many blankets. I really do. You're a little blanket boy? I just have a lot of blankets, but I get them at Parachute. What is that? To jump from a plane? No, no. Some sort of fancy bullshit. It's fancy blankets and sheets. Free waffle cut and throw. Yeah, yeah. Look at that. How much is it? Are they expensive? Air, warm water. I don't get the bath. Those are bathrobes. Go to the fucking blankets. What's the point of a bathrobe? Yeah, I don't know what it is. What's the point? You wrap it in a towel, and then you walk around in the towel until you're dry, and then you put on some underwear.

Yeah. I guess if you're old and you're cold a lot. Yeah. They're pretty reasonable, $329. Yeah, that doesn't seem crazy. I don't even know. Probably seems like... I've got the Jenna Jameson collection from Target. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Is it good? Nothing sticks to those sheets. You can't stain them. It's good. It's good. Cannot stain them. Dude, so Dave Navarro texted me the other day.

What? That's rad. Right. No, but it's so- Not rad. Because you know what happened, right? What happened? With him and Perry Farrell. Oh, I saw Perry. He pushed him on stage. They got into a fight. So Dave Navarro, after getting into a fight, texts you. Yeah, but I don't know if it was for me. So check this out. I'm being real. Check this out. What'd he say? He goes- Whoa. So he texted me- Come in here. Come in here. Come here and sit down. Set him up in the blue chair. Sit down! Where would I sit? In the blue chair. In the blue chair.

Ladies and gentlemen. Tim Dill. Tim. The infamous. If I injure myself on this chair, I swear to God. If what happens? If I injure myself on this chair. Which is a very big possibility. Yeah. That's a you problem. You're going to be fine. We're talking about Dave Navarro getting in a fight. Remember Dave Navarro? Yeah. What happened to him with Perry Farrell on stage? Have you seen this clip? Jane's Addiction? Yeah, yeah. Look at it. He pushed him. This was like a week ago. This was a week ago. He looks like he's juiced up.

Look at this. He's pissed off. Pissed off. Look at him. Stomping around. When Perry's like that, you got to back away. Yeah, dude. He looks amped. Yeah. He's angry. He's like, James says. Look at James says. Right? Look at him. And then he starts to attack. Yeah. Come in the mountain. Look at him. He's just trying to amp him up. Let's go. Play your licks. He goes, what? What are you doing? Whoa. What is going on there, dude? Weird. Weird.

All right. So Dave Navarro texts you after this kerfuffle. So Thursday, he goes, did you just wake up from a dream I was in? Whoa, did you? Yeah. Ironically, yes. Wow. Because it's obviously for a girl, right? So then I go, what?

I've been dreaming about you for years. Good. Play the girl thing. Good. Are you okay from that stage incident? And? Nothing. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. So it was a girl that he was trying to tag named Bobby. B-O-B-B-I. Yeah, yeah. But she might have also cared about how he was. Yeah. What do you mean? Well, I mean, she could have asked that. Oh, yeah, she could have. Absolutely. But why didn't he respond?

He didn't get the answer he wanted. Yeah. Should I do another answer? Absolutely not. Okay. That's the way to get a number block.

You do one more, you're going to come up green. Oh, really? Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, the guest of the year. We've never potted together. Tim Dillon. Never. Ever. No, really? We've done a lot of stand-ups. Because he canceled on Tiger Belly three times. You've canceled on me multiple times. No, that's insane. You've canceled. Bobby, you've canceled. That's fucking insane that you would even say that. Tim, Tim, Tim. Everybody knows Bobby never cancels. Also, Tim, this too. I've canceled more.

You canceled first. I canceled first and I've canceled more. You have canceled that. Okay. I'm more wrong. Okay. But you know, the game tag where you tag and then you run away, right?

I didn't start the game tag. You did. I fully take responsibility for canceling first. Okay. And then let me ask you this. But I believe if I had not canceled first, you would have canceled. That's correct. That's what you believe. That is my belief. Okay. It's my belief. It's a belief system. Yeah. You are the cancel king. You cancel. But we both can't. By the way, the funniest thing ever is when me and Bobby are both on a lineup and neither one of us go. All the time. Happens all the time. That is very funny. I get a call from a producer going-

I had Tim and Bobby cancel. Are you around? Oh, we never show up. A lot of times. We don't. Stuff happens. Yeah. Well, sometimes I call you. Well, one time I called you and I go, are you going? And you go, I'm not going. I'm not going either. Yeah. That one time. You both do that a lot. One time I sent him a COVID test. I sent him a photo of the COVID test.

By the way, years after COVID. Years, years. Many years. Young kids didn't even know what it was. I was sending him a picture of the COVID lines. But he didn't send the promoter that test, but I did. So he said that I had COVID to the guy, right? But then I actually sent him the test that he gave me to him. Right. Brilliant. Saying that I have it. So it makes him look like he didn't have it. Correct. Yeah. Right. Good move, Bob. I mean, you know.

Yeah. But the thing is, me and Bobby will lie and then get found out. And then we don't care that much. It doesn't matter. We don't care. We don't really care that much. So it's, you know, we're going to go. No one's going to get that mad. That's the problem. It doesn't matter. But we're being used. That's right. We are. It feels like we're being used. It's like some guy that never said hi to me before. Yeah. He's not, hey, can you do my show? Yeah, you'll put me on the flyer. Right. That's why. And they'll use your name to sell tickets. Right. So then I don't show up. Right.

I don't like being one promoter and I'm not going to say who can I guess you can guess after I've said this one promoter literally said I can't pay anyone tonight because my father has Alzheimer's

I swear to God. And then that person said, that was the way, and I was like, okay, I guess. God damn. Well, yeah. Have you canceled? You canceled. There's times I have to cancel. Why? If I'm just like, if I just can't make it, if we're doing too many pods and all this bullshit, I'm never going to make it. You'll cancel because you're tired.

True. Yep. Preach. Every now and then, Emily at the store will call me. She'll go, are you close? And I'm at Nobu Malibu, and I have a tuna roll in my mouth. You're that far. You're that far. I go, oh, ah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm right down sunset. You're the most nightmarish person to follow. That's not true. 100%. It's very nice of you. I've heard you say this before, and I really appreciate you saying it. I've texted Emily that. That's very nice of you to say. But I feel that way about you. I hate going up after you. When you're on, dude, it's unfollowable. Well, that's... Sometimes you're off. When you're off, I like it.

But when you're on, dude, oh my God. When I'm off, I'm off. But if I'm on, it's good. But you're funnier when you're off because you get angry. By the way, I agree with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree with you.

But I love you. I feel like we have a similarity in that sense. Just energy-wise. Yes. Yeah. Because sometimes we don't want to do it. What's going on? No, I'm listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do enjoy it. What's going on, dude? Sometimes we don't want to do it, and we have shorts or sweatpants on, and we're on stage, and we're angry that the audience came. I know. And that's the best time. You're moody girls. You're both moody little girls. Also, he also contemplates things afterwards sometimes. Yes. So he'll go, maybe I should open my own club. Remember that one time? Yes. Yes.

Guys, that's what you call having my mental illness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A full mental break. Yeah, because he was trying new stuff. You know what I mean? I get you. The main room can be packed. It just wasn't working. There's a pressure. Sure. Right? Tim's the only comic that's tri-coastal. Tim moved to Austin for seven minutes. Came back. Moved back to New York. Came back. Went back to New York. Bought a house again in New York. Bought a house here. Sold a house in Austin. Right.

Right, you had a Hamptons thing, right? Yeah, got one out there still. Still? Well, we're opening the Mothership Hamptons. Which is coming up and it's very exciting. Gotta get out there. I'm trying to get Joe to do Mothership Vegas. That would make more sense. Wouldn't we be all happy? That'd be great. Mothership Vegas would be great. I'll move there. There's really no club where we can go, is there? In Vegas? I mean, there's millions of clubs, right? But it's like where I'm gonna feel like

I want to go there twice or three times a year, you know. Playboy comedy. There used to be this thing called playboy comedy. And you'd want to go because it was a simple gig. Sometimes it's just one show a night, Friday, Saturday. Steve Byrne was doing it? No, it was Ahmed Ahmed. Oh, yeah. And what's his partner? What's his, J.J.? J. Davis? J. Davis. J. Davis used to have it, yeah.

I heard about this. I never was privy to this. Playboy Comedy Room in Vegas, but it closed down, right? Yeah, it was at the Palms. It was the best. Anyway. Now there's a bunch of clubs out there, but you're going to go and you're probably going to dip into a theater is the problem.

- No. - You'd wanna play a club there? - You guys are theater guys, I'm a club guy. - Yeah, right, you're a fucking theater, what are you talking about? - You a theater guy or a club guy? - I like 'em both. - Okay. - Just depends on, you know. - I like 'em both. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up with your nose right now, dude? - I don't know, it's like I had like a thing. I'm having like a thing.

What do you mean? Like an allergic reaction. Look at his nose, dude. I don't know what it is. It doesn't even look real. No, I know. It's like a red. I've had like an allergic reaction to something. Yeah. I don't know what it is. You gotta change your face wash, Tim. I know. I've been telling you that for years. What's that, the glasses, the nose thing that you get at novelty shops? Yeah. It's like a modern version of that. I know. It's crazy. I don't know what it is. I was on a medication and I had a reaction to it. Can you take your glasses off? Antibiotics. Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, keep them on, keep them on. - See? That's why I'm wearing them. - Better with them on. - Yeah. - That's why I'm wearing them. - So are you in town for a while? First of all, you have the best parties.

The parties are decent. Yeah. Unbelievable. You go to those parties? Yeah, of course. Yeah. They're the best. Your parties are the best. I go to the parties. You're there for five seconds and then you leave. I know, but I love just coming in and out. But my godson met you and he's Chinese and loved you. It was a big night for him. Oh, that's what we were godson? Was it the Chinese kids? Yeah. Wow, that was great. It was a little Chinese baby. Yeah, yeah. It was a beautiful Chinese baby. That is the funniest part about Tim's parties. You'll see a TikTok star and a little Chinese baby all in the living room together. Caitlyn Jenner for no reason. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. How do you know her? Um.

you know, we're both, uh, patriots. We love the country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We love America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like her. I'm fascinated by her. I think she's got an amazing American life. Yeah, yeah, she does. Amazing American life. There's very few countries you can do what she did. Think about it. Well, explain it to us. Well,

Let's say we're from a European nation. Yeah. All right? Yeah. What, Cyprus? Is that one? It's probably more likely that we're from an Eastern European country. We're from an Eastern, maybe like on the border of Russia and China, so we kind of look Asian maybe, and some people look white. It's very difficult to be born a guy, become an Olympian, become the spokesman for Wheaties, marry a woman whose husband defended another athlete who murdered his wife. Yeah.

Yeah. Then have a bunch of stepdaughters. One of them does a sex tape. They all become billionaires, the most famous people in the world. You then decide that actually you were a woman this entire time. Yeah. You get surgery to become a woman and then decide that the only way to save America is to elect Donald Trump. Right. Wow. That's a pretty fucking-

American life. And become a female the year on Vanity Fair. Yeah, that's right. And then also kill someone somewhere in between. And then kill a woman in Malibu with your truck. Right. Did she really do that? Yeah. Yeah. She killed a lady. Is that real though? Unintentionally. Unintentionally. It's an accident. There it is. There it is. And when was that? In Malibu. It was a couple of years ago. Wow. I mean, right. And it was mid-transition, right? That's right. She was- 2015. I'll tell you what, that sped up the transition. She was unfocused. You got to finish the job at that point.

She was unfocused. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't Brandy kill somebody too? Yeah. Brandy killed someone in a car accident. Yeah. And then she kind of disappeared after that. Cause she didn't transition. Oh, is that what it is? You get one. Yeah. I think you get one car accident. If there's a certain level of fame, you get to kill one person in a car. Yeah. That is true. True. Well, let's go through the, um, another guy. Would you know anybody? I know. That's killed someone in a car. A celebrity. No. Well, yes I do. What? Yes I do. Uh, um,

Ferris Bueller. Yeah, that's who I was thinking about. Yeah, he came with Molly Ringwald, right? In England. In England. When they were like 17. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then- Laura Bush, George W. Bush's wife. Wow. Really? Killed someone in a car. Yeah. Another Bush- Ted Kennedy. Ted Kennedy. Killed someone in a car. Yeah, killed somebody. How about this? Another Bush, different family, the Anheuser-Busch son, Augie Bush maybe, killed a guy in college, DUI. And then Sonny Bono-

Got killed by a tree. That's right. That's right. You remember that? If I was killed by like a really rich person, let me tell you how easy it would have been to get my parents to not press charge. Let me explain how easy that would have been. It would have been a five minute conversation.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. They would have sent, like, not even their top people. They would have sent some very low-level attorneys to my parents' house in Long Island. Yeah. My parents, they would have just said, listen, we can kind of, we can, you know. We can mitigate this. We can mitigate this. We can make it go away. And they would have said, we think you deserve, like, $44,000. My mother and father would have lit up.

They would have said, can we do 50? And they would have said, absolutely. And they would have given them 50 grand and my mother and father would have dropped the case. 100%. Immediately. Wow, wow, wow. Especially because you were such an ass, you were a troublemaker when you were a kid. Well,

Listen, I'm from them. They were troublemakers. But the problem is in 1997, 50 Gs, it's real money. Real money. Pay off the house. It's real money. My parents were so immigrant, they wouldn't even know the rules. Right. Like, oh, he died? Yeah, he died. Good. No, not good. Oh, no. Right? There'd be an oh, no. One oh, no. Yeah, yeah. That's also what my parents would have said. My parents would have also said that. Oh, no. Right. Asian accents. But they assume it was your fault.

Oh, yeah. And even if they offered them money, my parents wouldn't understand. They were like, well, $44,000? And my dad would be like, I don't have. Yeah, right, right. I don't have a port de boule. They end up making your dad pay. And they're like, well, then we'll see you later. Okay, bye. And then my dad would feel like he got one. You know what I mean? Yeah, he won. He won one. Oh, father, we had to pay $44,000. We didn't have to. You're allowed to, yeah, so a certain level of fame, I guess. Who's at the cusp that got washed away then? Who's killed someone that never returned?

Who never made it back? I don't know. Who never made it back? Just kill or driving? Well, look at, what is this going to do to, what's his name? To... Who? Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin. He's fine. He went to court. He got acquitted. He did? Yeah. I think he was kind of on the back nine anyway. So he's done now? No. Well... Yeah, he is. He's probably done. He's done. He's done. No more court. But he's so famous. I know, but he didn't do anything.

Yeah, he killed a lady. I know, but... He shot a woman. I know, but, I mean... I get it. You're on set. You're like, you think... You know why you're doing this. He's doing this because one day this accident could easily happen to him. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? You fucking around on a set, I could easily see this. I could do it with a machete, I think. You break all the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby, please be careful with this. The thing about Alec Baldwin is afterwards...

And I like him, and he's a great guy, did his podcast. I think he didn't seem super remorseful. That was the problem. I think he had to turn on the remorse a little more. He was kind of agitated by the whole thing. He was frustrated. He was kind of like, what is this?

That was his attitude. Like he shot the woman in the head and then his attitude was like, what's, hey, what the hell's going on here? On set, you think he did that? That and publicly in the media, they were like, you shot a woman and he goes, he was like, listen. You know, like that's, and that was the energy. Right, right, right. I think the interview started with listen. I think he said, listen. No, he did. Accidents happen on set. Yeah. And they're putting that woman away, that armorer.

Yeah, she's going to prison. Good. Yeah, she's going to prison. The woman that supplied the gun. Ah. She goes to prison. Does the movie come out ever now? No chance. I'm, Rust. Huh? They finished the movie. Yeah, but does it come out? It's gotta come out. I hope it comes out. I just got casted by Rust 2. What?

I just got cast in Rust 2. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's got to come out. You should have made up artists in the head. Yeah. It's coming out in 2024 at the end of the year. Whoa. You think it'll do good numbers? Huge. I think so. I'd watch it. I'll watch it. I definitely want to see the scene. They left it in there, didn't they? Oh, that's...

The scene he shoots her in the scene, right? They should have a little thing. No, no, no, no, no this it was a obviously No, no, but there weren't wasn't he practicing a scene. He was he would they were doing it. They were doing that scene. Yeah That's kind of a brilliant marketing What if they did that sensitive no, but they do they're doing a walkthrough of a scene Yeah, please God, please do if when when this gets released, please in very poor taste. I

Do it at the end in memoriam and then her face. Please do a very poor take just to prove that Hollywood is still Hollywood. At the end, do in memoriam and then go, don't even say her name. What did she do again? What was she? She was a cinematographer. No, she was the DP, right? Yeah. Yeah. I saw Christopher Reeves.

There's a new Christopher Reeves documentary coming out and the kids, his children made it. And apparently it's really good. - Their story. - Their story. - You're right. - But there was, it's like a footage of him at the Academy Awards like a year later. And he comes out on the stage and the audience are just, they're trying to be emotional and be supportive. But there's also some people are like in a horror. - Why? - Like I saw Brad Pitt kind of go,

I'll tell you why. Why? Brad Pitt's going, I've been on a horse. Yeah. Oh, right, right. What if that happened to me? Yeah. Brad Pitt's like, oh boy. The audience was just kind of like, like this. That is kind of wild. It's wild. Zoom into that photo. That kind of looks like a Madame Tussauds. Yeah. You sure that's real? That seriously looks like a Madame Tussauds. It is. Oh, so put on like,

football gear or something. I mean, because the football gear you want him to come out dressed like a Dallas Cowboys. Because the body, the body is withered. Got it. Yeah. So put on some, I get it like baggy. Bulk him up. Bulk him up a little bit. Like a wrap out. I mean, he's just like, you know what I mean? Talk about Bobby Lee, the costume. Yeah.

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So just, if that was custom, I'm putting some padding. Yeah. I wish I put some padding in. He's Superman. Bulk him up. Yeah, bulk him up, Dan. Well, it would be kind of tight if he did have a Superman shirt underneath the suit. That would have been the crest. Right. That would have been the move. So who, wait, so his kids are making a doc about him right now.

Yeah. And when does this come out? Soon. Look at the hand. Okay, anyway. Was he ever unparalyzed? No. What do you mean? Not so super, huh? Like, did it ever get better? No, it got worse and worse. No, I don't think so. Sadly, no. It was a real- Awful. It's awful. Spinal cord injuries. And it was from a horse. Yeah, I don't know why you asked that. Yeah, sure. Well, no, I don't remember. A horse he did it.

- No, I don't think they call it a horsey. - Not after you've ruined someone's ability to walk. You think the horsey got in trouble? - I think that horse is glue now, sadly. That horse is gone.

It lives with Whitney Cummings. Whitney has it. Whitney's got it. Whitney would show it to you. She'd go, this is Christopher Reeve's horse. She'd go, this is the horse that killed Christopher Reeve. And they were going to kill it, but I decided it should come here and watch me do makeup tutorials on Instagram Live. Yeah, because she has knickknacks. That's right. On the shelves and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's interesting, yeah. She would have the thing that hurt an American hero. That would be, she would take pride in it.

Yeah, like the body of Bubbles, like Michael Jackson's. She definitely has Bubbles stuffed, this monkey in a room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was Bubbles' pacifier. Do you know that? Born in 1983. This was such a polarizing thing when he would walk around with this monkey. He's from Austin. Bubbles? Yeah. Oh, wow. You can see him at the mothership this weekend on Kill Tony. Bubbles will be there.

How long did Bubbles live? Give it up for the great Bubbles. Huh? He's alive still. Yeah, you better believe it. He's chilling. Is Bubbles literally still alive? Wow. He's 40 years old. Wow. No, 40. It says 1983 he was born. He's at the center for great apes. That was the craziest Google, Bubbles now. Yeah. I knew Google would happen. Yeah.

Despite the fact that he is very photogenic, Bubbles is difficult to photograph because he does not like the camera. Often will turn his back when he sees a camera. Well, Bubbles knows the camera's the one that causes all the problems. That's exactly right. That's where the pain begins. Bubbles knows. Yeah. I mean, Bubbles could have gone chimp crazy like the documentary. You watched it? You see it? Chimp crazy? I haven't seen it yet. Fantastic. It's fantastic. Yeah. And it's about a chimp who loses it.

It's about a group of people who are in the- Chimp industry. Chimp industry. And it focuses what you would think was supposed to be on an original lady, but it ends up being about this woman right here. This lady. And her involvement in the chimp trade. What is the chimp industry? Oh, dude.

What do you mean? What do you think it is, Tim? Exotic animals, people- Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the state of Missouri, there is no exotic animal ban law. So in Missouri, you can buy, sell, and trade exotic animals that are on the banned list in most places. But did you notice in the documentary-

- She has the little ones too. - She's got them all. - Right? - Spider monkey. - But still, they're deep, like the coveted thing is chimp. - Right. - They can have 50 of the little guys, right? But they're like dreaming of chimp. - Right. - Is chimp the biggest one you can have? - No. - Or gorilla. - You can get a gorilla? - No, you can't, but I'm sure that's the biggest one. - That's the hope. - No, I think they can, seriously, I think they can have any, you can dream. - You can't have a gorilla. There's no way you can have a gorilla. - Look at that. What's the largest exotic animal?

you can purchase in America. On the documentary, they talk, they show you one of these like exotic animal auctions. People buy the wildest fucking shit.

You know, like, have you ever seen those, like, sheiks that have, like- Of course, white tigers. White tigers in their fucking kitchen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was in a house in Beverly Hills, supposedly there was a guy who had a couple of tigers in the backyard. Some incredible- Pretty fucking cool. Yeah, yeah, it is. In the documentary, though, they show past incidences, like famous incidences with chimpanzees.

And you notice when the chimp, because they never leave the house and they're in a cage. They're supposed to be around the chimp. And then one of them, right, for like a year would just be sitting there like- Rocking. Rocking back and forth, right? What do you do at that point? You got to shoot it. No, no, no. Got to shoot it. I'm a chimp. It's going to kill you. Am I doing a good job? Yeah, that looks like you. Why would you have a chimp?

And just have it sit in a cage and do that. It's kind of disturbing. Well, psychologically, what they break down in this is- That's not even impressive. No. If I went to your house and I saw an animal doing this- Yeah, yeah. I'm like, that's not really that cool. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get my Uber. You have a Fetla monkey. They talk about, in the thing, they talk about the psychology of these women who fall in love. They think that they value them more than their own children because-

She says it in there. She goes, a baby only needs you for so long. The chimp needs you for life. It's a baby that's a baby forever. They have the needs of a baby and they never grow. Even when they're 40, they don't grow out of those like instinct needs of you. But if they don't get to play with other monkeys at some point, that's it. Yeah, that's it. That's it. So these are women.

who want to have a baby forever, so they get a chimp. And they have babies of their own, but after like three or four years, they're like, eh. Well, the kids even say, there's kids interviewed in the documentary, they're like, she doesn't fucking love us. Oh, there's no way any of these women are good mothers. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. There's no way like, their kids are like, she was an amazing mom and also had this chimp. No way. There's something broken. Something broken, yeah, something broken, something broken. Yeah, they talk about the kid, they interview some of the kids, and they have to, unfortunately, on camera,

passively go, "No, yeah, no, she did a good job raising us. She just loves, she loves her chimps." I mean, you can see the sadness in the through line. The documentary is fantastic. - Does any of the chimps act out violently? - Oh yeah.

Okay. I mean. They show you some footage on there. It's wild. There's one that I had to pause and walk away and go, that's, I can't do this. Well, you'll remember when we were kids, famously, one of the women went on Oprah because her face. This is what happens. Her face was taken, removed. She went on, look at the picture of the chimp attack woman, Oprah. Yeah, that's the one. Is that her? Yeah. Yeah.

She went on Oprah and she had to wear a veil. Tim, you would love this for your new show. I got to be honest. Not only would I love her for the show, but I don't think she looks that bad. No, she doesn't. It's not bad. She actually doesn't look that bad. By the way, there are people in LA walking around that look exactly like that. In Beverly Hills. I've lived here long enough where that doesn't shock me. An old gypsy woman with one eye? That shocks no one. That shocks no one. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I've seen that too, I guess. Look at her up on a chimp woman on Oprah. She had to wear a veil and then Oprah, that's the funniest clip. They use it in the movie. Oprah goes, can we lift up the veil? Oh yeah, yeah. Can we lift up the veil? That's bad. That's pretty bad. That's a rough one. Yeah, it's tough. Now wait a minute, is that Oprah? Which one? Who's that? That's Oprah, Tim. What the fuck? Yeah, that's Oprah. I don't know.

I don't mean it's that bad. It's before the money. By the way, that's almost no thought being put into that veil. All she should think about is the veil. I know. It makes it more ominous almost. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's scary. This looks like the Batman villain. Well, this is a perfect, like, this is an Islam, like, go with that. Go with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's time to start thinking about it. Yeah. You think just wear a... Oh, for sure. Just convert to Muslim? You convert immediately. That's actually smart. The documentary, though, it does something...

It's so powerful the way it tells this story because I'm not giving anything away, but the guy who's making it can't- There it is. The guy who's making it can't really make it. They have to like go incognito while they're making it. Why? It's brilliant because he's a known figure. Because he directed Tiger King. Tiger King.

Right? And then when he asked the lady, can I do it? And she's like, I don't want to work with you. Nobody in the Chimp community likes this guy because he's exposed the exotic animal community. So he'd hired an actor to act as the director. It's fascinating. It's fascinating. It's amazing. They did such a great job. It's a great job. Yeah, I want to see characters like this on your show. And that's a perfect transition because I do want to talk about it. Tim's got a new show on Netflix. Yeah, we're excited about it. We're trying to get people like this who don't have faces. Yeah.

Yeah, what is it? Well, this is your country. Oh, this is the talk show. Yeah, it's an awesome talk show. We're trying to bring back like a Jerry Springer type concept. You know, this was my senior ditch day in high school. We went to Jerry Springer. That's awesome. Was it in Connecticut? No, in Chicago. He was out of Chicago. He was out of Chicago. That's awesome. Yeah, we did a senior ditch day and went down there. Dude, I loved Jerry Springer so much in high school because it was...

It was a perfect world of comedy. It was pure comedy. Yeah. And it's comedy on purpose where like people are taking it serious, but you're like, do you not understand that this is- No, I think it's funny. It's like, it's also ends up, those shows end up being weirdly a better satire of America than The Daily Show.

100%. Because like, this is what we got. These are the voters. These are the people. This is who's out there. These are all real people. These are no scripts. They're not actors. They came on. We did like 20, 25 minutes with each group. We edited it down because like, you got to get, you know, like, because a lot of people that aren't accustomed to being on TV will just drone on for hours about something. So you got to edit it down to like, but it's amazing. Can we show the trailer? Absolutely. Before you do, can I ask you a favor? Sure. Can I please, you know how in, um,

What's his name? Just breathe. That's okay. I'm very emotional about it. Yeah, what's going on? I just want to be like a handler. Come. Be a handler. Like I bring guests on stage. I don't say much. Yes. You know what you're like? Like Steve. Steve Wilkos. Yeah, Steve Wilkos. That's what I want to be. He was security. Yeah, but I'll be security. Making him security is so fucking funny. We want security. The idea would be security that runs away. I just want cowards. I want cowards. Dude, I got to be your main. Sing, ding, ding. We want cowards.

You never introduced me. By the way, nothing is better than if a melee brawl starts and me and you run away out of this. It would be the greatest moment ever. Please run away. You don't even have to pay me. Let me do it, please. Oh, absolutely. Okay, cool. Thank you. All right, let's see it. I do want to watch it again. It's fantastic. You're here to confess to your girlfriend that you used to do porn. Yeah.

The music. Hello, pigs. I think we can all agree that we're the rotting corpse of an empire and we live in hell. Your husband brought you here today because he wants to confess something. Hold on. Let's talk to the food poison, drug addicted sex criminals who live here. You play Minecraft, Fortnite. I've never met a more hateable person. How do you think she's going to react when you tell her? What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. No. Are you insane? You're a liar.

Do we pop it up? Do we pop it up? What the f*** do I gotta do with you? Since I was a child, I don't know any life that's not like this. Oh, shut the f*** up. This is what America's about. He wants to say... That's a BBL. USA! USA! USA! USA! My name is Tim Dillon, and regrettably, this is your country.

Wow. We had some homeless people, I think, in the audience because we shot it in Van Nuys and we just, people like came out of tents and got in. Central casting, right? It was great, yeah. You've done one episode. We've done one. We're putting it out and we're super excited. We didn't know what was going to, it was a weird thing because they wanted us to do something like political and I was like, it's boring.

It's just boring going to political convention. Nobody's going to ever do it better than triumph. Nobody's going to ever do the daily show better than Jon Stewart. No one's going to like everybody, you know, so I said, maybe we'll bring back something people haven't seen in a while and it'll just be silly. And like our dream, we have dream ones that we couldn't get, but like,

our dream segments are like, my husband said he was at January 6th, but he was just cheating on me. My sugar daddy's gonna cut off my Ozempic and I'm scared of what I'll eat. Things like that. Like we have dream ones where like, we wanna put things out into the universe and get these people. - Yeah. - Yeah. - But I didn't see any violence. - There's no real violence because the people there, there is arguments and there is anger. - Yeah, yeah.

violence is harder to get to. And a lot of the Jerry violence, I think some of it was staged. There was a lot of it was staged. And none of this is staged. So the reality is it's like, our hope is that if we get more episodes, there is violence naturally. We hope for violence. There needs to be violence. The hope is that we're going to get violence. But we have, we're now, we learned a lot doing it. We made some mistakes and then corrected them so that, you know, we had two shoots, we figured it all out. And then like, we're going to try to get,

if we keep doing it, we'd love to get some people that really are gonna attack each other. - 100%. - While me and you run out of these. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Jerry Springer did turn into this fake fight show, which I think was kind of partially the demise of the show, 'cause it organically was so wild. - It's gotta be organic. Somebody's gotta really wanna fight. - Yeah.

Somebody's got to want to fight, but there are like, we have a guy confessing he lost a lot of money to his wife with crypto. We have people like, you know, we have all kinds of stuff going on. It's interesting. Guys saying I used to be a porn star, this chick, like, and these are all real things, but like nobody slapped anybody else. But, you know, knock on wood, that could happen.

Yeah. I really hope it does. That's the hope. My name is Yashi Toto for this. Yeah. He's still working on the character. I'm working on the character, dude. No, it's me and you run out of the studio during a large fight and then there's a kind of an older female security guard who is tasked with handling everything. Yeah.

Do you have this woman cast? No, but it would be hilarious. A female, like an older female security guard trying to get a hand line over there. Me and Bobby sprint out of this. Sprint, sprint. Yeah, yeah. Run out. Yeah, yeah. Let her deal with it. Yeah. Yeah. That's not your problem. I can't wait. I hope this is a hit. I hope it is too. When's it come out? October 1st. October 1st. October 1st. We hope it's- It'll be out on Netflix. You got to go watch it. Yeah, we hope it-

It should be fun. There's no chance it won't be successful. I told you. Yeah. It's fantastic. Well, I'm glad we did this and not because they were like, go to the convention and talk to people. And I go, why? Yeah. 20 people doing that. Yeah. And then they were really cool. Netflix was awesome. We said, we'd like to do this. And they said, okay, cool.

And left us alone. Because if you go to the convention and do the chat things, that's already on YouTube. There's like a dozen of those videos right now. Everybody's doing that. You'll never beat YouTube. It's fast. It's already out. It's already out. And it's going to, what's the point? Yeah. There's nothing to be learned anymore about people's like opinions about politics. The only thing that's left to be learned is like, how are people living? What are people doing?

That's the more interesting element than like why you like Trump or why you like Kamala. It's like, how do you earn money? How does your family dynamic work? Like who do you hate and why? Would you take this to another state and shoot it in different places? I would shoot it wherever, absolutely. I think it'd be interesting to like shoot episodes in different spots. I know that's more expensive. No, no, I agree with you. Because then you really get a gist of like, you know, shoot it in Nevada, then you're in Washington. We flew these people in.

Oh, you did? Yeah. From all over? From all over. Oh, okay. Right on. Because, you know, but we would, I, you know, it depends on where they'd want to shoot it, but I would shoot it wherever. Let's take these people that got flown in. What's the, what's, what was the general,

Spot that a lot of them came from we talking, Florida. I'm trying to think there was Colorado Yeah, there was Florida gotta be Florida. How do you submit to be on the show? Well, we do as a casting call We're like do you are you this person? You want to reveal a thing? Do you want to do whatever? We'll do it people like why would anyone go on that ago? Anyone will do anything? Yeah, people want to level this idea people are like why would anyone go on a show like that you go?

Anyone will do anything. What are you talking about? Are you crazy? Yeah, yeah. There's no value to dignity anymore in this country. There's no economic value to it and there's no emotional value. Like you don't even sound good anymore if you tell someone you passed up on something and you go, I'm not going to go make a fool out of myself. No matter what it is, people go, meh.

don't know no matter what it used to be like 20 years ago you tell a guy at a bar they want me to go make my family into a laughing stock and I'm not doing that and the guy go good for you now the same guy yes I don't know I would have maybe done that

there's not much left. There's no meat on the bone. So it's like, maybe something would have walked out. May it work out. Right now. What did you think you learned to the course of the show? What's the collective thought after seeing all these people do all this shit? What's like the one thing you took away from it? I think it genuinely, you know, genuinely what I took away was number one,

how hard it is to do these types of shows. Because you don't have a script, you can't just re-edit, like go back and say, "Let's do it again." Like that's not the way it works. If somebody's gonna say something to someone else, they say it one time, you're doing it in front of a live audience. So I had to learn how to be a talk show host. And because my podcast, I do it by myself.

I just talk. Right. So for me, it was like listening to people and then, and I would lose track of time. So in your PC and they'd be like, all right, you've done 10 minutes with them. Like, you know, like, and I'd go, oh, okay. Bring out the gas. Cause there's always somebody we're bringing out. Right. And a lot of the times when people in the chairs don't know. So I'm like, you know, somebody has been listening backstage and then we bring somebody else out. So it's like, it was learning how to do all of that. And then meet like re appreciating Springer, Jenny Jones, Rick,

Ricky Lake, Donahue, Maury, all those people who did shit like that, Sally Jesse, appreciating it and going, oh, that was not as easy as it looked. Right. It's not. I mean, you have to be a host and you have to be kind of this...

You're almost manipulating them as you're telling the story with them. And those shows did it every single day, all year. We had one shot. We had two live shows, Saturday and Sunday, and we edited them. We shot 11 of these segments. We kept five. Yeah. So it took a minute, but as we get better at it, we would be able to... Now I know more about like...

okay i understand why that segment some people say they have a problem with each other and then get on stage they really don't of course they really don't we would find that out when we did bad friends live stuff we'd find out yeah people would bail on a thing that we thought they were really committed to yeah we had a woman who's a q anon mom and the older producers were like she's a nut wait till you hear what she says she's crazy and then i brought her on stage go what's your craziest opinion she goes i like trump

i go all right come on anything else wow i'm like are there tunnels underground like give me something yeah just like i'm pro second amendment i like trump and the la producers were so crazy that they thought that was like the most confident yeah right you know what i mean they're like wait till you hear what she says and she's like i just think biden's too old and they're like see what a fucking nut job yeah and i'm like oh no this isn't

But we did find some people that were, it was really good. And there was some magic on it that happened where you're just in awe of it. Some shit went down where you do just stand back and go, what the fuck is happening? And it's kind of wild. The reason why this has legs is because there's two other comics that I can think of that had this, a daytime show.

- You know who they are? - Well. - I don't remember. - No, I mean probably. - Kirk Fox? - Oh yeah, Kirk did, he did a thing. - And Greg Barrett. - Greg Barrett. - But the problem with those shows is that they try to be molded into a talk, like they're playing a role. But you're yourself here. - That's right, yeah. - That's why this is, I think. - Well, he's in on the joke. - Yeah, that's what it is. These guys were trying to like, wow, well tell us, they were just playing like some role. - But we're basically like Netflix, we were talking to them and we go, we wanna satirize like America.

And then the idea was like, well, let's talk to the political figures and everything. And I'm like, but that's not America. No. So the Republican and Democrat conventions are not America. And I thought about it and I was like, and me and my collaborator, Brian Frangie, really smart, good writer. We were like,

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so by the way and i let's make some news because i'll talk right about it yeah yeah tim was in joker too you guys know that i'll speak about it right now he plays a security like a a lot of people okay a lot of people are shitting on it in the press why why panning on it i don't know why but i'll tell you right now i i was i i had suggestions

They were not followed by the director. Okay. By Joaquin. Yeah. By Gaga. So the reality was I was a security guard. I had two or three lines. Yep. I felt underutilized. Yeah. I said, I will direct it.

I said I will direct it or I will assistant direct it. I don't know who that guy was. He did something with Ben Affleck. I don't care. I would have done cinematography, which I wasn't hugely clear on what exactly it entailed. But I knew that I had a lot more to give that movie than it accepted from me. Now, if it's a stunning success, I'm proud to be a part of it. But if it does fail, it is because they didn't

utilize me in a proper way. But if it's a success, I am proud.

to be a part of it. But what was it like? If it fails. What was it like? Because I know your scene, Joaquin was in the scene, right? He was in the scene. Right, so what was that like? I didn't learn the lines. Yeah, yeah. Because they always lie. The agent lies and they go, they want you to be you and be funny. And they lie. Right, yeah, yeah. They don't want that. Andrew's a great actor and he does like the work of it. Yeah. I showed up and I'm like, I'm going. I'm okay too, you know?

- Both of you, both of you. But he was the one I was, he's white. But what I was saying is-- - Thank you. - I showed up and I was like, you know, I didn't, you didn't get the script ahead of time because they were, they didn't want you to leak it. - Oh, I hate when they do that. - So they give you lines in the morning and I like read them real quick and I guess I should have drilled them a little more, but they kept changing them.

And you know, I was a bit nervous and it's Joaquin. I've never done a scene in any movie in my life before. This is the first scene in any movie I've ever done in my whole entire life. It's with Joaquin Phoenix. With Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah. And Brendan Gleeson. Holy shit. Wow. Genius. Genius. Okay. Yeah. So I'm like scared. Yeah.

Truly, truly terrified. Like, I'm not even kidding. Like, I'm nervous in my trailer. I call my agent. I don't even think I should be in this. Yeah. No, no, no. I love it. It's all fine. It's good. Okay. Cause I'm out of my element. This is not what I do. Yeah. And, but I'm, I listen, I like acting. I like challenges and whatever, but it's a tough one to start with. Tough.

There's a lot of blocking in the scene. There's a book that I have to move across the table. There's lines, but as I'm doing the lines, you don't have to look. The director would come up to me and goes, listen, here's a scene. You say your first line.

After you say a first line, you move your book, the book, you put your hands on the book. Don't block the title of the book. Don't block the cover. Move it 70% across the desk. 80%, it's at a frame. Do you get that? And I go, yes. And he'd go, then you're going to look. And Brendan, you're going to look at Brendan, but you're going to wait for him to say his line. After that, Joaquin's going to pick up the phone. At that point, you wait one beat. You say half of your line.

Joaquin's gonna look at you. He gives you a look, acknowledges that you're there. And then you finish your second line. I don't know what, and he would say this to me. He'd go, "What the fuck is the problem here?" 'Cause he was being very like, and I get it, I respect him. He's a great director. I like being yelled at and it was deserved. But Joaquin was like, he's doing fine. Joaquin would turn around to the director and go, "He's okay." And I'm like, "Man, I'm doing fine." But they would yell. So then there was like 80 people around you. We're on the Universal lot, all the cameras.

Okay. And then they would go action and I would go, I mean, I would fuck it up every which way. One time, one time I was so nervous. I didn't even say the line. Yeah. I just moved the book.

I just moved the book and looked away. And the director starts going, why the fuck are you looking away? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. He goes, just say the goddamn line. Does that make you even more nervous? Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, I can't imagine. This was one of the worst experiences of my entire life, except it was good at the end, I guess. I don't know. Did you sing?

What? Did you sing? No, it's a musical. I should have sang. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't even speak. So then he would come up to me. Sing. He can't get through a fucking line in a book shift. So he'd go like this. But it was hard. I'm telling you. I know it was. It's just his questioning. No, it just made me so mad. But I get it. I apologize. I apologize. But I should have sang. Yeah, yeah. But the point is, I was there. And then I would do it again. And then he would come up to me and go, okay. He'd go...

He goes, listen, he goes, the line is actually this. And I said, and I'm not saying that. He goes, no, you've never said that. You've never said the line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you've actually never said this line. And I said...

So he goes, "Just forget it." He goes, "Just say, just say close enough to it." And then eventually I got it and I did it, but it was very hard. It's like hard to do. And I felt bad because again, I'm not an expert and I felt bad. - It's your first one. - What are the chances the scene does not make it?

I didn't think it was going to be in it. Okay. But is it? Do you know? It's in it. That's great. That's great. Do we see a photo of you on the internet at all? I don't think. I think maybe there's one little photo. Oh, really? I haven't seen the scene because it's not a pivotal scene. I don't think. Where is it? Yeah. That's. Yeah. It's with security guards. Yeah. Yeah. It's with security guards. But I didn't know if they were going to put it in, but they put it in because Todd said he got it at the end. He said it was good at the end. Zoom in. Is that him?

I don't know where I am. Where am I? There's Timmy. There's Timmy. Timmy D. And maybe, and you know what? I look like I'm doing acting there. Yeah. I actually look like I'm doing. If I saw that photo, I was like, oh, that guy's a good actor. No. And you know what? Maybe, literally, maybe I shouldn't have said anything because maybe my scene is great. I bet you it is.

- I bet it is. - Here's the problem. - It's shot so beautifully. - We internalize it. 'Cause the things that we're feeling and thinking, right? No one else feels your things. - That's right. - But because it happens to us, it becomes a big thing. - I think just 'cause I wasn't saying the line or doing the blocking doesn't mean I was doing a bad job. - Exactly. - No.

I mean, that's- I was feeling- Yeah, yeah. Because I was feeling it out and that's what actors do. Yeah. I'm like becoming the, you know, thing. How was this guy in the middle that's kind of Ricky Gervais looking? Was he good? Yeah, he was really, they're all really, here's the thing. I mean, Gleason's phenomenal. They're all really good. All these actors in this film were excellent.

And it's hard to be an actor because I was talking to them and like they just got out of COVID and they hadn't booked anything. And a lot of them were like, this is their big thing. One guy went out and got COVID and they had to get rid of him. Wow. Jesus. And this was like his thing. It was his time. I have a story that's kind of like this. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it.

I said forget it, forget it. I'm interested. No, no, forget it, forget it, forget it. I'm not even going to do it now. What is it? What's the fucking look for? That was rude. I was waiting for you to tell your story. No, you're like, how dare you interrupt this magical thing we got going on? Well, no, I mean, he has given us some really great juicy shit, but no, let's hear your thing. No, I don't want to know because it's not even that good now. No, you have to. It's not even that good now. Let's go back to the- No, we're not going to carry on. Thanksgiving was great too. I saw Thanksgiving. You were great in that. Thanksgiving was good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanksgiving was really good, but this is- Tell your story. I'm not-

Thanksgiving was good. What movie was it that you had? Forget it. It's okay. No, no, don't let it. When you did a bad acting job, what movie? It was pretty bad. Well, because that's what I'm, yeah. Yeah. So anyway, that's all. Well, come on. Tell your story for real.

Well, cut it out then because I don't think it's going to hit now. What? Tell it. Can we do the segue again then? Yes. Let's do it. Let's do the segue. Do you remember what you were talking about? Anyway, yeah. So this and that. Yeah. Did you ever have any experience? No, I'm doing it. All right. I get to do it. I didn't know. I'm very good at segues. I know you're very good. Oh, wow. So Gleason. Wow. Well, I have a story kind of like this. What is that? What happened? That was so good. Yeah, thanks. And I wish that happened before. No. Don't you wish it?

Have you ever had an experience that's similar to mine? It's over, Kim! What is the experience? What happened? Well, I was in the movie The Dictator. Yeah, we remember. Great film. Beautiful. Playing Kim Jong-un. No, I wasn't playing Kim Jong-un. No? No, no, no. No, I'm serious. That's what I'm saying. Already now? Yeah. This is what's going to happen. That's not Kim Jong-un. Yeah. That's not Kim Jong-un? That's me, dude. Right?

So I have this, right? So I have a couple of scenes in this movie. Okay. And that's my wife in the movie. Dude, I'm handsome. You look really good. I look so good. You really do. Yeah. So there's a scene where I'm walking out of a bathroom with Ed Norton. Yeah. And I just blew Ed Norton in the bathroom. Okay. Right?

And so Larry Charles and Sasha are on set and they're like, "All right, Bobby, you're gonna walk out first, right? You're gonna hit the mark, right? Turn around, right? And then he's gonna come from behind you." And this whole thing, I have to memorize this whole thing, right? Just like yours. That's why I'm saying this story, right? - Hard. - So I'm like kind of panicking. I'm doing the best I can. I'm going, "Okay, hit the marker, turn left, see the line, this and that, and he's gonna walk this way, right?" So me and Ed go to the bathroom and he goes, Ed Norton goes, "Nah, we're not doing it that way."

I go, well, he goes, I'm going to go out first. And I go, what? Yeah. And so, you know, I know he said to say that. I think it's better if I say this, then you turn around and you do that. You know what I mean? And he changed is the whole fucking thing. And now in my mind, I'm like,

Oh, fuck. Whose idea do I do? Right. Do I do Ed Norton's or Larry, the director's? In your head, you're like the director. Right. Even though he's a star. Right. So that I said something. This is the smartest thing I've ever done. I went, you know what, dude? I love that. That's fucking great. Let's do it. Larry's way first. And the second tape will do it your way. And he kind of thought about it. He goes, all right, man.

He'll hate you forever now. Why? Yeah, you don't step on Ed Norg. Wait. Fight Club? What? You're going to step on Fight Club? Are you fucking out of your fucking mind right now? Shouldn't have done it. It was incredibly disrespectful to Ed Norg. Are you fucking joking me right now, dude? Yeah, fucker. Yes, relax. All right. Jesus Christ, you're getting so caught up. Yeah, that scene.

He's handsome. Yeah, he's very handsome. That is really... But it's an interesting note though that he told you he wanted to go out first. You think that has to do with... Is that star shit? Yes. It could have been. Is that star shit? He's also an actor's actor, right? I know, but that's also some star shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, Tom Cruise will say that often that people... It'll be written a certain way and he'll often be like, no, no, no, I want to be in the front of the line. Joaquin would do stuff like that on set because he'd go, I'd like it to go there. I'd think this way.

And he's a genius. Yeah. Probably our greatest living actors top five. He's in there. I mean, him. Daniel Day-Lewis. Let's go through the list. Daniel Day-Lewis. Right. Joaquin Phoenix. Joaquin. Right. Kevin James. Kevin James. We bought a zoo. That's great. That's good. What would happen if someone bought a zoo? Kevin James for sure. Yes. Who's the- You know, it's good. Kevin James for sure. Ready? Governor's Comedy Club in Long Island. I'm not-

I'm headlining my first time. The owner of Governors, great guy, love him, Jimmy, comes back to me, Italian guy, swag, comes back, he goes, listen, he goes, Kevin James is doing his new TV show on Long Island. I go, great. We love him. That's great. He goes, he's coming tonight. He's doing 20 minutes on all your headlining shows right before you go up. Great. So it's going to be the feature, Kevin James for 20 minutes and then you. Great. Okay? Wow.

Now, listen, if you're so Kevin James goes up and they bring him up and they go, ladies and gentlemen,

You know, every now and then we get a drop and you know how it goes. Yeah. The King of Queens. Oh, he's already famous. Oh, he's bringing, he's coming back to TV. Right. He's massive. Okay. Okay. I thought this was young Kevin. No, no, no, no, no. Before he made his second TV show. Huge. Kevin James comes out. Right. Okay. He gets an applause break in Long Island that I would only describe as like, yeah.

It's unreal, right? Yeah, yeah. It's just... John Lennon coming back alive for the Beatles reunion. It's one of those... You know what I mean? It's one of those things. It's like crazy. Right. And it's several minutes of clapping and standing before he does his first joke. He then kills for 20 minutes. Of course. With new stuff, with just stuff he thought of. Like whatever. Murdering.

Then he leaves. Then the host comes back on and goes, now please welcome... By the way, no introduction. He goes, now please welcome Tim Dillon. I walk out on stage. The people in the back are so drunk, they think it's still Kevin James. Wow. They're far away. They're in the back and they're drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they're just looking at shapes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're going...

And then literally I start to talk and people audibly start yelling, that's not Kevin James. Wow. They think like they switched out Kevin James in the middle of his set. Yeah, yeah. They're drunk now. They go, what happened? Who's this? Yeah, yeah. This isn't Kevin James. Yeah. This is something...

Do you have a story like that? No, I don't. Do you have a story like that? No, never. What? No, I never had a mid-bump. I do have a story like that. See, I don't like this, what you're doing, dude. What am I doing? Get excited about my stories, too. Oh, my God, Tim. I'm excited. Tim, wait till you hear this story. Do you have a story like that?

Yeah, but forget it. I mean, I get bumped to the comedy store more than anybody on earth. And I've said this before to Bill. I think Burr specifically, it comes in. He's like, who's in Maine? And they're like, Santino's on X. He goes, me. He bumps me every time. Wow. Without fail. I think I said that to you. I was like, it's magical. Yeah. I think he loves bumping my ass. He doesn't go long, so that's good. No, I think it's just, he knows me, so he doesn't care. Have you been bumped at the comedy store?

I think we all got bumped by Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones. Oh, that's right. She's bumped me a thousand times. How did you feel about that? I didn't love it, but it's okay. I just said, I'll just leave.

Yeah, we just leave. I get in my car and leave. I leave. Yeah, I just leave. Yeah, sometimes we don't even show up. That's right. A lot of times we're being bumped and we don't even know because we're at our house. We're gone. Yeah, that's true. That's true. But do you think that's bad karma on our part? No. Like calling in? No. No. It's fine. It is? No. I used to get bumped at the Laugh Factory back in the day. Nothing means anything. Dane used to love bumping. Oh, he loves that. And he would bump and do an hour back then. That's when he would bump.

and I'd sit in the back, 30, 40, 50. And then by that time, they're gone, you're gone. And then the next couple of times I go back and I would tell Jamie, I'd say, "Oh, I'm not gonna be, buddy, why will you leave? He gonna be quick." I was like, "No, no, no, I'm already home. I'm already home, fuck that." Sometimes I would text a comic I knew that was there and was like, "Is he still on?" And I'd be, "He's cooking, baby." That's what he'd say back. I haven't been in a laugh factory since I broke his foot.

- Yeah, why? - I broke his foot. - Danes? - No, Jamie Masada's. - Oh my God. - I broke his fucking foot. - How? - I was like, I did a good spot, this is years ago, and I was in that front area, you know? - Yeah, the hangout room. - And you know, he always hangs out there, sitting on those stools, and I walk up to him and I'm jumping up and down like a fucking orangutan, dude. I'm like, I killed it, I killed it. And I stomped on his foot. He goes, oh, Bobby! Bobby! Right?

Two days later he goes, I went to the hospital, you broke my foot. And I haven't really been in there since. I feel so bad. You know what's so fun? He's like a fun little toy to play with because he's tiny. I used to bully him into money because at one point they were not paying anybody right now. And so I was like, give me money right now. Give me money. And I'd be joking with him, but he'd pull out money as a bid. I'd see him go, okay, I'll give you $100, buddy, for food. You want $100? And he'd pull out money and I would steal money from him. And I did it a lot. I would do this a lot.

I feel like I did it way too much and I would just grab his money and he'd be like buddy come on come on but I was like no you're fucking the club never paid it's Robin Hood they never paid do you play there I've never seen you at the laugh factory I go occasionally and I'll do there's a few shows there that I've done that's fun and it's always fun when I go but I just I don't know I'm usually the improv in the store yeah yeah store in the improv what's your favorite though what what's your favorite store

I think, you know, but I'm starting to love the improv a lot. I would say overall the store, but I gotta be honest with you, the improv, especially recently, I feel like is amazing. - I do love it. - I love it too. - And I'm actually starting to like the Ice House.

Yeah. Even though. After you and I had a real wild experience. We had a wild experience and I just didn't do well and I handled it maturely. I went to like Salt and Straw and just climbed in the thing. With all the ice creams, I just climbed in and I said, just leave me here overnight. Yeah. But yeah, he called me and goes, just come back. I'm like,

I go, Tim, you got to come back. Yeah, because it's the second show. I was like, I hate it. We can't not do the second show. I'm not doing it. But I came back. I did come back. You did? I did come back. They have changed too. Yeah. And it's better now. It's really good. Yeah, yeah. Because when I first went there, they treated me so poorly. Oh. Right. Like they didn't know who I was. They don't. They're like, go around. I go, no, I've been coming for three years. This is where you come through. Go around. Yeah.

You have to walk around and I had to show my ID. - Oh yeah. - Right? And then come in and I'm like, where's the green room? I go, only comics go in the green room. I go, I'm on the show. Like that kind of vibe. - Yeah. - But then when I fucking talk shit on, and then they call. - Then they call. - The best thing is watching someone go to the mothership who doesn't know.

Like someone who just rolls in who's not known and they roll in with like a crew of people. And it's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. There's security. Like this is a legit place. Now, obviously. You mean a comic that comes in with a group of people? Yeah, like a person who just doesn't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's just not knowing. Yeah, yeah. There's just not knowing. Yeah. You know, and it's like, it's just funny to watch someone who's like, hey, this is my buddy.

Or whatever. And they're like, no. Yeah. And then there's like, there's like, you know, like Navy SEALs looking at them. It's just an energy. It's an energy, you know? Yeah. It's a bunch of guys kind of standing there saying, they're like, this, who's this? Yeah. Like, oh, this is my buddy. He's just going to hang out. And they go, huh?

They just looked as a feeling. Yeah. And I always like to watch that happen. I was amazed that night with Rogan, we went to Black Keys. That's when I realized, oh, he's the mayor of town. Come on. Yeah. He's the mayor of that town. Of Austin? I mean, he's got- Yeah, bulletproof fucking SUVs. Absolutely. Security, the whole fucking thing. Absolutely. Yeah, that Black Keys concert was weird. It did feel like we were, the CIA was protecting us

I felt like we were being watched and protected. Like guys with radios and shit were talking to each other the whole time. Yeah. Can I tell my story now? Yeah, please. It was a little too late, but... Give it. All right. So anyway... What is it? I did a movie. What's the movie that you did? With Henry Lau. With who? Henry Lau. Yeah. He's a Korean pop star. I love him. What happened with Henry Lau? Oh, it was crazy, dude. Tell me. Yeah. Anyway, I did a movie with Henry Lau. That movie. Final Recipe? Yeah, there you go.

Michelle Yao was in it. So that, that event. So that event was like- It looks like a K-pop guy and his manager. That's what I mean. This is what happened. It's all K-pop stars, right? And they go, ladies and gentlemen, Henry Lau. Introduce me first. No, no, no. Right? So the place goes insane. But in the mayhem of the sound, they had said my name.

But no one heard it. Right. I believe. Right. So I now look like. See, now I wish you didn't do the. I look like his manager. You do. I know. But the thing is, that was the joke. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, yeah. So now I can't go. Hey, everyone thinks. Right. I'm his manager. But run it back. Yeah, try it. Just try it now. Yeah, try it now. We'll cut it. It's good. Try it now. Okay, try it now. Yeah, go. Anyway, so, you know, we're at this podcast. Henry Lau comes out. The audience is like.

Right? And in the midst of this gigantic sound, they said my name. Now no one knows. Now they think I'm his manager. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. That's fucking funny. It's crazy the way it all works. Yeah. You know? You know? Yeah. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

You think Diddy is gonna be okay? He's in trouble. Yeah, he's gonna be fine. He's in big trouble. I think he'll come back. He'll bounce. I think he'll be okay. He'll bounce back. It happens. Yeah, well, he's cooked, my friend. Happens to the dinner. Son, he's cooked, son. I mean, Eminem's lyric is phenomenal. Did you hear that? Which one? What'd he say? He goes, look up Eminem's lyric about him. It's actually, because I don't want to misquote it. He goes, like I'm a R-A-P-E-R. Got so many essays, huh? Essay?

And he goes, he didn't just leave out a P, Diddy. My God. - My God. - Listen to that. - How long ago was that? - I'm an R-A-P-E-R, got so many essays, huh? Essay. He didn't just leave out the letter P, Diddy. Jesus Christ. - Wow. - Eminem. - That's killer. - That is. - Did he just recently write that? - But if Diddy is innocent, we're all gonna feel stupid, including him. - Yeah, take it back, Eminem. - To be honest with you.

Take it back. We'll feel bad. Well, everyone will feel stupid. Like all of us. Is there a shot that he can get out with good lawyers? No. Why? I mean, OJ didn't even when I was a kid. Cochran's not around. When I was a kid, all we believed in was high profile defense attorneys. Oh.

We grew up with them. I watched them get OJ out. We watched them get all these people out. We got excited. They all had names like Irv Fishman or Ben Brathman and they would come in there and they would just fucking kill. And his DA would get up and she'd be like, they found the gun. And he'd be like, you shut up, bitch. And he'd have a $4,000 suit. And he'd have a Rolex and he'd have a bunch of rings. And he'd go, look at this bitch. That's what he'd say. He'd go, look at this bitch.

and be some like frizzle haired

Of the state represented And as kids we were like The best thing about our country is that if you're rich And you kill someone You get one of these guys who are the coolest people in the world Johnny Cochran What's the other guy's name Bob Shapiro These people were fucking awesome Is Dershowitz one? Alan Dershowitz? Well yeah and he went down He was a good one He was The Dersh dog Look at him

They got his ass. They got him. The Dershtog. But he's still out there. He's debating CNN. Like he's on Pierce Morgan all the time debating. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Man, they really, they made him look so bad though. That's, that's, they, the Dershtog got taken down. Well, what happened to him?

Because he was, wasn't he for, what's his name? Flight logs. Yeah, he was defending all the flight logs and all that bullshit. Well, he was advancing the argument that Epstein had a nature conservatory. Yeah. And this whole thing's been a big misunderstanding. Right. The guy just said- Look at that. He had a green thumb. Yeah. Yeah.

- Who, you mean Green Thumb Epstein? - How many times do you go to the island? Look at that. - Him and Larry David- - This is my ninth time. - Got in a fight in a grocery store in Martha's Vineyard. - Him and Larry David did? - Yeah, Larry David was like yelling at him. Chris Dershowitz was like, I think, you know, obviously coming out for like Epstein and Trump and all this stuff. And Larry David and him got into it. - That's fucking rad. - Wow, look at that.

This is the world we live in. And what did we learn today? Truly that if you're rich enough and you kill someone, you can get away with it. If you got a Dershank. It depends. If you got an Irv to come in with a nice suit. Yeah. We learned the title of this episode should be somewhere in the middle. The truth is somewhere in the middle. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Because that's the way it is. That's what it is. That's the way life is. That's the truth. And that's what I think that we should remember with Diddy.

The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Well, that's what we should all... And that's, by the way, I wouldn't even try to say innocence if I was his lawyer. That's where I'd go. I'd go. I wouldn't even go like innocent because that's never going to happen, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I get up there, I go, listen...

Is it as bad as they say? No. Was it great? Not great. You're a great. No, I'm telling you. You're a great defense. I would have been a great defense attorney. Wow. I would have said, listen, none of this is great. I'm not here to tell you that this was great. What I'm here to tell you is that. I'm a jury. I'm a jury. It's not nearly as bad as what they're saying. And like many things in life. And I would say to you, pay attention and say, please pay attention. Okay.

When I'm looking at the sky, I'm contemplating something. I would take me a while to learn that and trust that. All right. Let's start over. We're a jury. Here we are. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm here representing Mr. Combs, and I'm going to tell you this. Am I going to stand up here and tell you that this was great? No. I'm not going to say it was great.

No. But was it as bad as all these people are saying? No. Like many things in life, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. That's life. People have parties. Things get out of hand. No, it takes a lot of people to bake. I don't know what the exact term is, but the point is that-

Yeah. Can't speak on the joke. No, but I would actually kind of like that. I like a kind of a give and take. I kind of want a crowd work cherry, like a give and take. Yeah. But I would say before you go into deliberation. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, now it sounds like he's just being disrespectful to me. He's yelling cake at this guy. It just sounds like you're being rude. I bet this guy likes cake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like you're being a little rude. Okay. But I'm not going to motion for you to be dismissed. What I'm going to say is this. When you are deliberating, I want you to remember that this is a person. This is a person with children. This is a person with children and a career. And this is a person who is more than the sum of his worst acts.

Okay? Wow. He's more than the sum of his worst acts. Let's deliberate. Deliberate. What do you think? Not guilty. No, he's guilty. Yeah, yeah. He's definitely guilty. But he'll be guilty. He'll be guilty. I can be sweet so easily. Yeah. You would be such a bad juror. Oh, no guilty. No, no, no.

What is it called? A hung jury? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hung jury. That would be because of you every time. But what's great about the defense attorneys is when they lose, they go on CNN. Yeah. And CNN's like, what happened? And the defense attorney goes, well, he's a rapist. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a terrible person. Of course. It's like, what did you want me to do? I was making money. Yeah. Wow. That was very intriguing. Well, I think that's how I would do it. Yeah.

I would also go into, if I may, into like, we've all been at parties. Right. We've acted a fool. Mm-hmm. No? That's your defense? No, I'm just, I'm just like, you know what I mean? No, I think he's not going to hire you. I'm at the firm. We've all been to parties. Imagine the kid in a room of a law firm pitching ideas over how to- Yeah, that's what I would pitch you. Like, you're the main lawyer. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

It's Dylan and, you know what I mean, Jewish guy. That's what the fucking firm is called. That's the name of the firm, Dylan and Jewish guy. It's smart. Because it rotates. It rotates, yeah. Who knows? Who knows who's coming in? So I'm working on Dylan and Jewish guy, and I'm like, well, we could talk about, like, you know, people get drunk at parties and they make mistakes too, no? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm going to say, what about people who went to the parties at a completely great time?

Right. Exactly. Bring them out. Yeah. How about we bring out a bunch of people that went to the parties and weren't assaulted? Interview Big Sean. Right. Bring him in here. How about that? How about me asking me, me ask this question. I'm like, what is assault?

- Well, also what is human trafficking? What is it? - That's very good. I'm gonna write that down. - What is the whole point? - What is it? - What are you even saying? - Okay, okay. - What is that? - Okay, okay. - I feel like you're hired at the firm. - Dude, I'm working with Dylan and fucking Jewish guy. - Dylan and Jewish guy. - Dude. That would be a great law firm by the way. - Yeah. - You would be like, yeah, I'll take that. - But what you really gotta do, what they really actually have to do is go and go, the people coming out against him right now are all hoping for compensation. Where have they been?

Where have they been? This has been happening for decades and nobody's said anything. That's how they pitch. So good. Yeah. Oh, they just, like all these people in Scientology, oh, they just figured it all out. Lee Remini, you rat. They're all rats. Yeah.

And I go, oh, you all figured it out now? Yeah, yeah. You're all liars. Oh, they were all, they're trying to get money from this client of mine. Wow. Who is a Christian man. Yeah. Very good. The Christian lean is always good. Always lean. Christian lean's good. Would you rather be a prosecutor or a defense attorney? I would rather be a prosecutor. I feel like I'm a prosecutor.

I think you are a prosecutor. Yeah, I'm a prosecutor. What am I? You're a defense attorney for sure. I think, well, here's what I think is interesting. You're mumble, bumble, scramble eggs. You're a defense attorney. You come in all sloppily late. You do something brilliant. Like there was a guy, like you do, it was this crate, this woman, Dana Goldblatt. She was an attorney. I was a juror on a murder trial.

Murder, torture, and rape. Holy shit. And we convicted him. He did the wrong. He killed his baby mom and all that. That's her, Dana Goldblatt? Yeah, so she was an attorney. Was that her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's got to be her. So she defended this guy, and she would wear these wacky outfits like Miss Frizzle on the Magic School Bus. Yeah. And you would end up staring at this bitch's outfits all day and not listening to the thing. Oh, wow. So I think you could do a fun gag. Right.

where you're like the prosecutors up there doing something and you're doing something very distracting. Yeah. Even some of my language, I wouldn't even talk. I would say something like, hey, oh. A new my cousin Vinny. I would go to the jury and go, hey, oh. You know what I mean? Yes. Because they're going, did he say hello? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's who cares who raped who? No, I get it.

And I would see something witty like, "I just had some kombucha." Yeah. For breakfast. And dance, like you would dance. Yeah, you bring in your kava. Gotta like dance a little too. Yeah. "Where did they say he hit her?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, you got me, dude. I think I'd be a very good defensive turn. You'd be a great... Me and you. Dylan, Jewish guy, Lee. By the way, can you imagine if you were going, like, if you were charged with murder and you looked at the two people defending you and it was me and Bobby? LAUGHTER

Oh my God. I have my sunglasses on and a red nose. And you're like, what is going on with these? Yeah. I'm just like, yeah. Kombucha. Kombucha, baby. Dancing in with your kava, baby. Yeah.

Well, do you want to plug dates? No, I don't care. I mean, they're on the website. Come see me. Come see him live. One of the funniest guys on planet Earth. Thank you very much. If you want to watch it on Netflix, it's October 1st. Thank you guys for having me. I'm glad we finally did this. Thank you. And to give Tim Dillon a round of applause. Oh, thank you for being a bad friend. Tim Dillon, everybody. That was so fun.