The White Cheeks
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Welcome to Bad Friends. Listen, I've been thinking about the Lord so much as of late. Tell me. Hi, Jesus here. Me and my dad are just chilling here at the Heaven Super Disco waiting for Bobby. I can already see his gangrene-ridden foot between the pearly gates. As for Andrew, I'm sorry. No gingers allowed. Them's the rules.

B.S. Rudy, lay down those knives. Jesus out. Well, the Jesus, the Jesus, I call it the Jesus, by the way. You call it the Jesus. Yeah, because there's only one. There is only one. Yeah. There can be only one. There can only be one. He's like the Neo of the sky. Uh-huh.

You know how Neo was the one in the Matrix? Yep. Jesus is the one in the sky. Fact. And there's no one else that can beat him. That's right. His powers outlast and outpower all the other powerful ones. You better believe it, baby boy. Zeus. He can destroy Zeus. He can destroy... What else is another...

Medusa. Yeah, Medusa. Is it Medusa one? Medusa. Is Medusa a Greek god? Yes. Sure. Why not? Yeah. Because all I know is from Clash of the Titans. Oh, yeah. He can destroy the Kraken. What about some other Greek gods? Pyrenees. He's a good one. Pyrenees. Pegasus. Pegasus? Uh-huh.

Is Pegasus a god? Yes. He's a horsey, huh? He's a horse god. Anyway, Jesus is the best. And I believe, you know, I had a spiritual awakening this week. And I've been reading the Bible. I know what I have to say. And, you know, I believe that he died for our sins, that he's the manifestation of the real God. Yeah. He's not just the son. The Holy Ghost and Jesus and God are one. They're one thing.

They're all one thing. Right, but Jesus is the flesh form of the God. The Holy Ghost is the ghost form. Yeah. He's like a transformer God. This guy can do everything. He's like how transformers can turn into a car and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, but they're the same one, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so that's what God does. Jesus does. Jesus. But Jesus is God?

Jesus is God. So but God is the – is God separate from Jesus or they're the same thing? They're the same exact thing. I just told you they're the same but different form. They're the different form of the same thing. So why do they have two different names?

Because that's true, huh? I've never thought of it that way. Yeah. Because the land mammals of our planet, which is humans. Us. And via also elephants are mammals. Elephants, huh? Yeah. Yeah. And the sea pups. Oh, sea pups. Sea pups are mammals. Sea pup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That...

So the land creatures, they need things to be defined. That's why. And so they just need – In the sky world, which is heaven, in the sky world, they don't have those – they don't put people in boxes and they don't have divisions and words for different things. You think when you get to heaven, there's no gender, no sex, no class? No, no. We're all the same? It's going to be, what's up, you? What's up?

Like if I ran into Pamela Anderson in heaven. You sure she's going up there? I'm pretty sure. Okay. And her tits are. Whoa! Her tits will definitely be there. Yeah. I say, what's up, you? What's up, you? And she'll be like, yeah, I'm just...

You know, lifeguarding. Lifeguarding? That's what she does. In heaven? I'm sure. Is there a pool up there? Maybe. All right. There's everything up there, by the way. Oh, really? Have you been? Yeah, because it's like the Matrix. Let's go back to the Matrix. It's like you can manifest in heaven when you're an angel and stuff any kind of world that you want.

I believe. I believe that to be true. Whatever you want it to be. It's there. Mountain tops. Some would say heaven is right here on earth. It's not. This is hell. This is hell? Sure. Los Angeles is hell? No. This planet. Have you ever been to Montana? Oh, it's beautiful. Pretty beautiful. Yeah. That might be heaven. Yeah, that's heaven. Maybe. But let's go back to my Christianity maybe. Sure. Why not? When was the last time you went to church? Sunday. Sunday.

Oh, really? Yeah. What's Korean Christian church like? Welcome. Thank you. Yes. Right now, I talk to you about Jesus Christ. I wrote it. If it said Warden Flaveler behind the pulpit, how hard? How hard would I laugh? No, if you were to create that on Vermont, right? There's a church that says R-O-R-D-A-N, right? Yeah.

S-A-B-O-R. Sabor. Yeah, yeah. Ward and Sabor. But anyway, so I believe in the Christian rules as well. Like I believe in thou shalt not abort. Thou shalt not kill. Abort. Another topic we probably can't talk about.

The amount of topics that we're not allowed to talk about. That's why we started this. New rules. We started the podcast this way because, you know, we want to – because of last week's episode. Well, because the – We talked about some unsavory topic. Oh, somebody sent me something. Look at this.

So I showed you that Calicio Storico, the Italian game where they just murder each other. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot to watch that this week. Do you know what this is? What, Bo Taoshi? This Japanese game? No. What is it? Oh, my. Okay, first of all, let's stop. Stop. Yeah. I love it already because there are stormtroopers in it.

Yes. There's full-blown stormtroopers. I love Star Wars. Stormtroopers, and for some reason they have those guys that direct airplanes out there right next to them that are just standing waiting to direct traffic. These people pay good money to see people do bo-tau-tau-tau-taushi? It literally looks like, because there's a lot of Asians in it too. Wait, there are? Yeah, those right there. It looks like there's 20 stormtroopers and about 120 Yodas. LAUGHTER

This is a cool fucking Star Wars movie. So let me, oh, how about this? Let's just have you guess what's going to happen next. Oh, that's good. That's good. Okay. So, all right. So you're seeing one half of the quote unquote field, right? You're seeing the mirroring. This is the same amount of men in the same amount of. Okay. Well, there's helmets going on. So I have to assume that they're going to use their head in some way. That's correct. And those helmets seem like there's, it's a gigantic white kind of,

ball on their head. You know what that looks like? Jack-o'-lanterns made out of just white foam. They're covering every dimension of their face, so I can only assume that the guy in the right is completely fucked. Because he's got nothing on. I think he has one, but I feel like they're all going to headbutt him at the same time. That's a good guess. Rudy, do you want to take a guess over what happens next?

Keep in mind, you're not seeing one element of this, but there's another team over there, and they're doing something that we don't see. Rudy, put your mic, please. Say what you want to say. What? Get closer to the mic, please. There it is. Please. No, get your mouth closer to the mic. I'm tired of... That's the attitude. Okay, go ahead. There it is. I don't know. I think they're going to march. They're going to march. They're going to march. They're going to march to the other team. They're going to... And then I think...

They're just going to wrestle. They're going to wrestle. They're going to march to them. Not run. March. A march is a specific. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds like you've seen too much of that Hitler footage where they march. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is what you're missing. What I left out of this on purpose is there is a man on a pole.

Both teams have a man on a pole. Have you seen this before? No. A man is on a pole on both teams. The goal is to take that man off. It's basically capture the flag, but it's a man. And your team has to take him down by any means necessary. Okay, go ahead. So they start out with a bow. They always bow. No matter what sport it is. Bow and a chant. Yeah.

Now they're ready to rock and roll. Amazing. Look at that. Man on a pole. Amazing. Look at this. They have to charge him, and they can kick, they can punch, they can do anything to get on top of there to take him off the pole. Amazing. Look at how hard they kick each other when they get up there. Look at the guys just kicking him in the face. And look at the little man on the top of the pole, holding on as tight as he can. They charge and they jump on each other, and the reason they have helmets is because they get kicked in the face.

kicked in the head as hard as they can. Oh my god. Now watch. Now that they've climbed up, there's definitely somebody on the bottom that's dead. Somebody's dead. Look at that guy. He's skillful on the right. Yeah. Look at his skill level. So essentially, once they get to this man on the pole, if they can take him down and climb it themselves... You can punch. You can punch. You can punch. Oh, you can punch. You can... Oh, wow. You can choke him out. You can choke him out. You can kiss him. Look at that. Look at that. Oh my god. Shaking. Kicking. Kick. Kick. Yeah, kick. Get away. Get away. Go off. Get off. Get off. Oh my god.

And they almost have him. There's many men that die underneath that pile. Oh, look at that. And then someone else got on from the other team. Oh, if somebody goes up. I see. Somebody tries to replace. No. So if your team can rip down that man and then one of your teammates gets to touch the white pole at the top, that's a. All right. Here's a. You score. I want to do something. Mm-hmm.

Let's say you invented this game. I did. And you're from Japan. I wanted to show it off to you. You're Japan. Yeah, I'm Japan. I want to see how you explained to your buddy how you invented this game, what the rules are. Oh, you're like the International Japanese Sport Council? No, just tell me. And I come in? Yeah, so, yeah. So, you know...

Hey, Shimizitsu. Hi. So we today, you know, I called you earlier last week about, you know, we don't have a lot of sports here in Japan. We have a sumo. I have one for you. Yeah, we have ninja, you know, but I called you to see if you have a good idea about it. I have a great idea. Really? Many men charge other men. Oh, wait, wait, stop, stop. Fast as they can. Stop, stop, stop. One man on pole.

Another man on pole. They rip down man on pole. And other man climb pole. Ever jerk pole at top hardest? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Okay, let's do it. Let me. Wow. Somebody came up with that. Yeah, somebody said let's jerk him off a pole. Yeah. Let's hit him as hard as we can off the pole. Bow. How do you say that? Bow. Taoshi. Bow taoshi. Taoshi. Taoshi.

But you realize, though, I'm sure there's so many sports that's been invented that just didn't make it to the major leagues. Well, enough people were like, I don't want to play that. Yeah, or I don't want to watch it. This is easy to watch. I know, but it's like— Could you watch a lot of it? No. Because there's no real skill. Do you think there's skill involved? In this? Yeah. Strategy. Strategy.

Because the guy on the pole, there's probably one guy that everyone says. Let's say, you know, I created my team. Yeah. Toko. Yeah? You're the pole. He's like, no. No, why? Because I saw you.

You know what I mean? Remember that one time, right? When we were eight, you were on top of that tree like a fucking koala. Yeah. Right? And we'd go, get off the tree, Toko, right? And you're like, I don't want to. You were down and coming down for four days. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But there's that guy, right? So that's really not that much of a skill is to hang on. No, I think that takes a lot. That's balance. That's coordination, don't you think? All right, balance and coordination. But it's like you can do it your own way. Yeah, you don't have to jump and kick and try to hurt people. And then the other people's skill level is to charge people.

And climb. And climb. Yeah, climb is good. It's not really a skill, though, is it? That's why I said strategy. Strategy. These guys just have good strategy. Whoever knows how to topple over their best friend the best. Like, how do you become a pro in this game? I think this is what five, seven-year-old boys do every day. They're like, what is it, King of the Hill? Remember King of the Hill? That's all you do is try to hurt each other to get to the top of something.

Yeah. When you play with your brother as a little kid, didn't you guys try to hurt each other all the time and see who could best each other at climbing something or getting on top of something? Yeah. You did stuff like that, didn't you? Yeah. You know what I would do? Would you ever push your brother down the stairs? Do you have stairs in your house? Push my brother down the stairs? Yeah, man. I've done all kinds of stuff.

I used to sleep, I'd put Bengay on his dick. What? Yeah. Why? It hurts so bad. It burns, huh? Dude. I've never had it on. Oh my God. What you have to do, bro. Yeah. This is a right for every man. Every man listening right now, right? Listen up. If you're a man, you will do this right now as we speak. What? You'll get Bengay.

Okay? You'll go to your bathroom and you'll take a glob of it, stick it all over your dick, inside the hole of your dick. No, Bob. No. Inside? Not the hole. That would hurt. Not the hole. But on the outside. Sure. Of the head. Yep. You know, down your sacs. Right? Mm-hmm.

and just stand there without going inside a shower for about 30 minutes. - 30 minutes. - Yeah. - And it burns. - You won't be able to do it. - Guys, send in a video if you're gonna do that. - You're not gonna be able to do it. But imagine my brother now, he's sleeping. He's in eighth grade. - That's so mean. - It's not. - That's so mean. - It's a rite of passage. - Bengay on your brother's penis? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Maybe you just wanted to feel your brother's penis. - What if it turns out I didn't have Bengay?

He's like, what are you doing? You're like, I'm rubbing bengal. He's like, your hand is dry. I know. Good night. Yeah, happy April Fool's. April Fool's. It's June. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Good night. Good night. If anybody's going to do that, please send us a video because I do want to see that. Yeah, I used to do all kinds of things with my brother, dude. You know what I did? The last one I did is I dropped a bunch of acid when I was in eighth grade.

Eighth grade you did a bunch of acid? Yeah, I took like probably four tabs. Jesus, I thought you did acid in high school. No, in middle school. Junior high? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It was in eighth grade, and I remember going into my brother's room and just scratching his face. Why? I don't know why. You were that messed up? Yeah, yeah. I started scratching his face. Was it bleeding? He's like, stop scratching my face. Yoo-hoo. How old was he? And I'd be like, yeah, yeah.

You're a fucking creature of the night, my friend. How old was your brother? I'd say eighth grade. How about you? He's my age, right? Fifth grade. Yeah. Wait, how old is your brother? My brother is 45 years old. No, he's not. Yeah. He is? Why? He looks so young. I know. He's almost 46. When I see your younger brother, I think he's so much younger than you because he just has a baby face.

Yeah, my brother's only three years younger than me. That's crazy to me. It's crazy. Because he's just got this, like, innocent face. Also, I think he has an innocent demeanor. He's such a sweet guy. You know what I mean? Jules, have you ever met my brother? He's a sweetheart. What's my brother's name? Steve. Uh-huh. She looked at me like I was going to tell her no. She was like this, Steve. Yeah.

Tell me I'm wrong. Yeah, my brother is – but my brother has always looked like that. Like when he was 21, he probably couldn't buy booze because they were like, you're a kid. Yeah, but also my brother just is – I think the way he acts in life too, and I'm the same way I guess, is we're very childish kids.

Yeah, but you're – I don't know how anything really works. Same. No, you do. You have some responsibility. I meant I don't know how anything works for you. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because you'll call me and go, you'll call me and go, yeah, I'm just working on the porch or something like that. I'll be working on something outside. Yeah, like the ceiling, the roof. I'm doing a little thing. I'm like, what's going on? Why? What do you think you'd know how to fix around your house? Jules, honestly –

Do I know how to fix it? How about this? Could you replace a screen on a window? Do you think I could, Jules? I think you could, but it would take like three days. You think it would take three days? Yeah, or five. Okay, what are this? A pipe is leaking onto the sink. What's your first move? Let's just do the honest response. Yes. Wow, the fucking pipe's leaking. Yeah. I wonder why.

So those are the thoughts in my head. And then? And then I would probably just look at it, just kind of analyze where it's leaking and just go, okay. And I'll probably take duct tape and just duct tape whatever section. Oh. Yeah. You wouldn't call someone for help? No, duct tape it. That's the help. Well, it would probably work, no? No.

It depends on the leak, but probably not. Okay, but if that doesn't work, then I would go to Kalilah and be honest and go, listen, the leak, it's leaking. I duct taped the sink and it got worse. It got worse, and she'll yell at me profusely. Like, you're a fucking moron. You're an idiot, and all that kind of stuff. She says that? She says you're an idiot? Does she call you an idiot? She doesn't call me an idiot, but she says things that are... She'll say things like, you're...

A child, you don't know nothing. Aww. Yeah, something like that. And what do you say back? I go, yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah, and then I'll just go down and play Warzone. He goes, go downstairs and play your video games now. Yeah.

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Raycon's the best. They're the best. They fit snug in your ear and they're not a ripoff. And we're not going to say the other people's names, but they oversell you on bad products that aren't worth the money. And Raycon is phenomenal. They look good. They're slick looking. They fit into your ears better than all the other ones. And they have six hours. You can play these for six hours. Six hours? What do you mean six hours? Wireless.

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What did you use the other day, my friend? I used BetterHelp, actually. I wanted to try it. I used BetterHelp as well. Yeah, no, I really like it. If you are looking to find some more happiness in your life and find out what's going on and talk to someone about some of your troubles and your struggles or things are good. Listen, you all, there's nothing better product to use, service to use in this pandemic than BetterHelp because when life comes

cuts off and you can't go to work and it gets disrupted in some way your feelings come in you know and you need to release that shit man right sometimes it's easy to do it with somebody outside of your house you need someone who's not in your life right now you can log in from anywhere on your computer and get help from licensed professionals any time of the day you can start communicating within two days and

They have all sorts of people you can match up with. You can find out who works with you the best, and they're committed to making sure that they give you good service, man. It's also a lot more affordable than other traditional offline counseling, and financial aid is available. BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier life today, guys. Yeah, go to their website and check it out. I promise you it is worth it at least to even try it out one time. Try it, please. If you're skeptical, you should try it. Go to betterhelp.com slash badfriends. That's

H-E-L-P, betterhelp.com. Millions of people are doing it. Special offer. Our listeners get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash badfriends. You're back. The other day, I was telling Jules in the car, and I don't know why, but this started a fight. I was watching last night, you know, Alone Season 3 with...

with Kalilah. No, the new season of, yeah, the new episode that came out for season seven. And I had my mouth open because when I watch like this, I have my mouth open. Because it's incredible. Because I smoke so much. No, I smoke so much. I think just my mouth just opens. Trying to get oxygen in my body. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then she stuck her finger in my mouth and I felt like there was something in my mouth. And I go, what was in my mouth? And she giggled.

And I go, what are you giggling about? I put Bojo's eye booger in your mouth. So Bojo is my youngest cat. Oh, my God. I know. I know. And he gets these – right, Jules? He gets these thick-ass eye boogers. I'm going to throw up. I know. And they turn black. Jules, right? Back me up. They turn black.

So she puts Bojo's eye booger in my mouth. And you know what? When you have a cat's eye booger in your mouth, there's a sensation that goes over your body. And I can only equate it to another sensation, which is rage. Right? So what I did was I dug in my nose because I have –

So much because I smoke and I sleep with my mouth open. I have a booger fest just deep in the canals. You're the booger king. I am, aren't I not? And I dug in a tricolor.

Where it's dark yellow and clear or something? Oh, red. Oh, that's not good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's bad. I call it the tricolor. It's yellowish clear. There's dark portions. Black almost. Almost black. Yeah. And streaks of red. Because of blood. Yeah. And it's... It also... It's one of those ones with a hard tip. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. So it's not slimy, but it's basically... You pull out the hard tip of it. And it's soft at the end. No, there's like...

yellow and red entrails. It's great. So the hard tip is between my fingernail here and the entrails of the fucking booger is coming down like this. Fans are loving this one.

What did you do with it? Why? What did you do with it? You think I should stop talking about it? No, no, no, no. I just imagine some guy, people, people, people send, people tell us like, I always watch you guys when I'm eating breakfast in the morning, Monday mornings. Just fucking, just having some eggs and toast. I don't care. I don't care. What did you do with it?

I try to stick it in her mouth. No. She put a fucking cat's eye burger in my mouth. No? No, no, I know, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the duality of it. Then what's the proper retaliation? You hit her as hard as you can. Yeah, I did that. No. So she grabs my hand. She still blocks you. Yeah, and it's almost in her mouth, right? And I almost get it in her lip, but then she looks at me and she goes,

If that goes into my mouth, we're done. Yeah. I know those ultimatums where it's like I'm not playing around anymore. Yeah, we're done. So I stuck it, right? So I have this glass on the side of my end table, the table. I have this glass for my water. And I stuck it at the tip of it. Oh, my God. It's still there now. Bob. What? But it's your glass.

Yeah, it's my booger. It was already inside my body. I know, so get it out. Get it away. No, no, no. If I stick it back inside my body, who cares? It's where it belongs. No! Boogers are gross to me. Why? I don't know. I don't know why. It's just yucky. I don't like that stuff. You've never eaten it? You eat your boogers? Do you really eat your boogers? I have. When was the last time you ate a booger? When was the last time you ate a booger?

You know, it's when was the last time? Let me go back, though, for a second. Just give me a second. I want to answer. We will give you an answer. I want to give you a fucking answer. All right. But I'm going to tell you something. Yeah, there are things in people's lives, private lives. Right. What you do in secret.

Right? And you're in your privacy. Booger eating is not a thing that people do in their private lives. Private lives is like I have too many drinks at night by myself. No, no, no. There are things people do that, oh, no one's around. You look around first. I don't eat – I've never eaten a booger where I haven't done this first where I looked around. And what does that mean? You probably shouldn't do it. Maybe. Right. But I don't want anyone to see me. It's like when you – it's like if someone says the N-word and they go – Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they say it. Right. Because they know they're not supposed to. Is that what – That's the only reason you would look around. Yeah, but mine was just based on embarrassment. Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right. I'm trying to justify it. When was the last time you did it? I don't know. Because I don't eat a booger and go, hmm, that was a good one. It happens enough that you don't remember. What? It happens enough that you don't remember. It happens often enough that you don't remember. Oh, in my lifetime, you're asking? It must happen regularly that you don't remember. Yeah, I don't remember. So maybe a couple of days ago.

No, I would have remembered a couple days ago, but within the month. Have you ever eaten a booger root? No. Never. But have you ever pulled out a booger and rolled it for a while? Yeah, I've rolled it for a while. So what does a booger taste like to you? I don't know. I've never tasted it. What do I think it tastes like? Mucus. With the flavor, though. What's the flavor? Funyuns? No.

Okay, Funyuns are very salty. That's exactly what they are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like onion-y chips. Salty. You've eaten a booger before, man. No, man. I roll over. You've eaten a fucking booger before in your life. Swear to God I have not. That's ridiculous. The look of it is gross to me. I've tried everything off my body. I mean, I wouldn't even eat mushrooms until I was 30. Sperm. Never. Never. You've never tasted your own sperm? Nope.

Nope. Well, me either. Yeah, right. Evan either. I wonder what... You've tasted your own sperm and other people's. Yep. Don't be like that. Is that not true? Don't say it like that. Tell me is it true. Have I tasted other people's cum? Yeah. Yes. Okay. Bad friends would like to apologize for the preceding segment. Please watch the following clip to heal any trauma this may have caused.

I've never, no, never. You never have. Only things I've tasted in body stuff, blood. Yeah, obviously. Obviously like my own blood. Yeah, poo. Never tasted, have you tasted poo? No. No way, man. Smelled it though. Oh yeah. When you wipe, do you smell it?

You do, don't you? Yeah, don't you? No. You don't? No. Do you stand up to wipe or do you sit down to wipe? I stand. I'm on my way. I have things to do. You stand, wipe, go. I have things to do. I'm on the go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's safe to say you're probably not all the way clean. I am. You don't ever finish all the way. You wipe and go. You don't even think about it if maybe it's... No, because I have a tushy at home. My tushy. This episode is brought to you by tushy.com.

Tershi.com. Do you want... Oh. Okay, I just want to defend myself real quick. Before we move on to the next topic. You go ahead. What are you doing right now? I'm setting up something for you because I want you to defend yourself for eating your own boogers. Okay. What's wrong, Jules? You're ashamed of me? No. That's what that look is right there. Yeah, that was. Yeah, you know what she was just doing now? This is what she did. Why did you do that, Jules? Andrew, I look over and she's doing the...

No. In that face, she's just like, should I move out? Like, who am I living with? Like, she's literally contemplating her life. Do you not? Are you sick and tired of living with Uncle Tito? No. Are you? Be honest. I'm not. Does that stuff bother you? The booger stuff everywhere? No, because I don't see it also. So it's fine. Okay, you don't see it. I do walk around the house.

In my underwear. Does that bother you? No. There's no way it doesn't. But he puts like nails everywhere, including on my bed. What? What do you mean nails on your bed? Like he eats his nails and then the remaining part, he puts it on my bed. Why do you do that, dude? Do you really do that? Listen, you fucking. Wait, wait, you chew your nails and then you put them on her bed? I'll do. Listen, you little one.

What the fuck? Do you really do that? No, listen. Calm down, everybody. No, no, no. I'm just listening. Everyone, just regroup yourself. Okay. Okay? I have, in the past, with my nail clippings on my feet and my fingernails, given her some. Put some on her nightstand or on her bed. What does that mean?

I do. It's a gift. Dude, I'm Bobby Lee, dude. Oh, that's a gift that she should feel so lucky. I'm Bobby fucking Lee. You know what, dude? What, dude? I'm going to defend myself. The booger that I eat, it's not just regular booger, baby. What is it? It's Bobby Lee booger. Bobby Lee booger. It's next level. Are you looking for next level boogers? Yes.

Bobby Lee Boogers. All right. And it's a gift. So you're welcome. You're welcome, Jules. You know what? I agree with Bob. How about that? We've got some friends, some international friends that we haven't talked to in a long time. Bad friends around the world. Hey, there's our boys. Oh, my little fucking love toys. My sweet boys. I'm going to call you guys White Cheeks.

White cheeks. Here we go with white cheeks. Hey, guys. Hey, the white cheek brothers. Hey, the white cheek kids. What's up? We miss you. Where are you guys from again? Amsterdam. That's right. I remember that. What time is it there? 1.22 right now, I think. In the morning. 3.30.

Yeah. Are you guys in quarantine or is the Netherlands? I think they're done. It's kind of quarantine. It's like we can do a lot of things, but we have to keep like one and a half meters. That's like. No, six feet would be two meters. Oh, really? A meter is three feet. Why do they get extra inches?

No, they don't have extra inches. We have less. They have less. They have less than less. We're greater than them. Yeah, we're better than we are better. We're better than them. And, you know, we get more. So wait a minute. So so Amsterdam and the Netherlands is is you guys are almost all done, right? Yeah, I think so. Is everything open?

Yeah, everything's open. So you guys are not sitting a meter and a half apart from each other. You're right next to each other. So why don't you turn and give each other a kiss to prove us that the Netherlands are done? If COVID is really done, why don't you give each other a kiss? Go ahead. On the lips. On the lips. There you go. On the lips. Do it. Do it or we don't believe it. We don't believe you. Andrew. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Give him a kiss on the cheek so I can prove that COVID is over. On the cheek. Is COVID over? Yeah.

Yeah. They solved it. They solved it. You guys solved the problem. Now, do you guys have a mask mandate? I mean, do you guys walk around in public with masks on? Yeah, but nobody, like in shops, you don't have to. So nobody does it in the shops, but in public transit, you have to wear it. Right. But, okay, so, but when you go, like, how about, do you guys go to a gym? You guys don't. Do you guys go to a gym? Yeah.

Yeah. When you go, do you have to wear a mask? No, I don't think so. No. You just need to make an appointment and no mask. No mask. Did you guys get tested? No, I didn't. Nope. No. Did anybody you know get it? Yeah, my dad got it. Oh. Is he okay? Yeah, he's okay. It was like pretty false. He didn't have it again. He didn't have it anymore. Did he get really sick or no?

Um, like one or two days he was really sick and after that it was like better. Like did he do anything weird while he was sick? Did he act differently? No, no, nothing. It was just like sick and he had a fever and, but he was, he was fine. Were you worried?

Yeah, of course. Oh, yeah. But it's like, I didn't think it was that bad because it was only two days. Two days, that's not bad. He's like, he would walk around with a boner and we thought that was the COVID. But that's just my dad. Weird, guys. Is that a good accent? Does that sound good? It was dead on. My dad would walk with a boner and he would suck it.

And we thought COVID was the boner reason, but he was just a dead guy. Goofy guy. My dad. Yeah. Is that a good accent? Let's hear Bobby's. I cannot even try it. Tell me what to say. Tell him a phrase to say, and then he'll say it back to you. I'm going to the supermarket or in Dutch. I'm going to the supermarket. What are you? That's like a robot. I'm going to the supermarket.

It's like a Jim Carrey robot. Do you guys think we sound like robots? Bobby's impression of you. I think you sound like a robot. Wait. Did we say a phrase in Dutch and then you reply? Oh, yeah. Okay. So we say, I'm going to the supermarket. Okay. Ik ga naar de supermarkt. Ik ga naar de supermarkt. Ik ga naar de supermarkt.

It's not normal. It's not normal to do supermarket. No, but you said supermarket normal. It's not normal to do supermarket. Now give us a more advanced phrase. Give me a more advanced phrase like, why are you leaving mom, dad? Why are you leaving mom, dad? Why are you leaving mom, dad? Why are you leaving mom, dad?

Yeah, make a song out of it. Do you guys have girlfriends?

No, not yet. Not yet. Good. Good. Stay that way. Be free. I forget how old they were. They're 17 and 16, right? No, 17 and 18. 18. Right. Are they brothers? No. They're not brothers. They're best friends. They're you and me. Best friends. The one on the left is the Asian guy and the one on the right looks like me. This is you and I in a mirror. Who's, by the way, is that a Harvard shirt? Are you wearing a Harvard shirt? Yeah, I'm wearing a Harvard shirt. Did you get into Harvard? No.

No, no, no. I wish. I don't know. But you're probably smart enough. You seem like really smart boys. You guys could get into a good school like that, don't you think? Yeah. No, I don't think Harvard because it costs a lot of money. Yeah, it's expensive. We're going to university next year. Would we ever find you guys in L.A.? Would you ever come to Los Angeles? No.

Yeah, sure. Yeah. I've been to Los Angeles once. Oh, really? How much fun would it be for us to fly these guys out? We should have a lunch with these guys. When the pandy's over, we should get you guys to LA. When the pandy's over, let's have a lunch with these two. We would really love that. That would be awesome. But here's the deal. We're going to fly you here, but you have to stop five or six times.

So we're going to fly you. You'll stop once in Iceland, then once in New York. Then you're going to go on a donkey for about 50 miles. 50 miles on a donkey in Mexico. And then we're going to fly you to Wisconsin where you've got to shovel snow in the winter. Then we'll get you here eventually. Let me ask you guys another question. What other podcasts do you listen to?

I like all the comedians. Joe Rogan. Right now, a lot of Two Bears, One Cave. Don't know what that is. I don't know. It's the one with... No, no, no. They haven't mentioned anyone that I've heard of. Any other ones that you like? I like Tiger Belly. Oh, yeah. Whiskey Ginger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the only two. That's it. How do you feel about Jules? Yeah, do you guys like Jules? Do you like Rudy? Yeah.

Yeah. Comedy? No, no, just as a person. Yeah, as a person. Yeah, yeah, of course. They both love Rude. Yeah, and you guys are the same age, no? We are. I tried it last time, but it didn't work. It didn't work. She didn't like him. She didn't like him, yeah. Nope. No. He said they flirted a little bit, and it didn't work. Look at how embarrassed she is. Embarrassed. But here's the thing, right? Because I think when Rudy joined the show,

It made the show better. Yes, it did. Bad Friends became way more... Bad Friends became better with Rudy. Isn't that so nice? Rudy, look at her. The boys can't see you because they're facing this way. Isn't that so nice? Say something to the boys. Thank you to the boys.

There was such a parent that was like, go thank them right now. She's a sweet girl. Also, Andreas. We love Andreas. So what does that mean? You hate George? Is that what it is?

Well, he's your least favorite. He's your least favorite. Well, I've never heard him on the podcast doing something. Well, no. Yeah. We try to put him in the corner. Yeah, we try to put him in the corner. So you love Andres. How about this? Bobby and I go back and forth over what segment Andres should do. What would you like to see Andres do? What would be your favorite thing to watch him do other than read the news or jokes? What would you like to see him do? Hmm.

Maybe a sketch, some kind of sketch. Oh, you want us to write a sketch for him? Yeah. Okay, that's really funny. We're going to make Andres do a sketch that we write. We should be in the sketch as well, though. I just think it'd be— We're going to push Rudy to have some lines as well. That's true. So if we did a sketch like— You guys emailed me a sketch that you want me to read. I know I have it right here. You guys told me— Oh, you guys wrote a sketch. They did. They emailed it to me. It's right here in front of me. Oh. It says, we'd like to see Andres do blackface—

That's what you guys said. So I guess... And we want to... We want to oblige. Yeah. So Andres, who can hear us right now, he's listening. He's going to have to do a sketch in blackface, and that's what the fans want. Don't you think that's what our fans and our friends want? Yes. We want that. We'll have him do that. We'll have him do that. What's been going on for the rest of the summer, you guys? Do you have any plans, or has COVID just made it so you can't really do much? I've, like...

I've enjoyed myself, but it kind of sucks. It kind of sucks. You can't travel anywhere. Listen, we're all affected by this, guys. We're all really bummed about this. It's a bizarre world we live in right now. It stinks. And we just have to take it day by day. And you know what? Nothing is forever, and it's going to change, and we will get back to our normal lives. We'll be back to square one. We will be. Do you guys want to ask anything before we let the jet set? Do you guys want to say anything? Do you want to promote? Yeah. Yeah.

We had a question. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. So there was this episode on Tiger Belly where you guys talked about a special podcast episode that you two recorded with each other and it never got released. Right. Do you remember? We still have that. Do you guys have anything of context about that you can tell us? Well, okay. Anything about that podcast? All right. I'm going to just say this.

If we released that podcast, our careers would be over. It would be canceled forever. It's far worse than anything that you've ever heard. We just say a lot of bad stuff because we were jumping on each other. And we were angry at each other like we always are. But then we said, let's just do one. Let's just keep going. But no one's ever going to hear it. Let's just say whatever we want to say. And we did. So we say things that...

are so evil and so bad. - They're very bad. - Very bad, you'll never hear it. - You'll never hear it. One day, how about this? One day. - One day when I die. - One day when Bobby's dying and I'm laying dying next to him. - We will release it. - We'll release it, but we'll sell it for charity money and all the money will go to our favorite charity and it'll release right as we're dead.

so that it'll take care of it. By that time, it won't be that big of a deal. The world will have changed so much. Listen, boys, I'll never forget you again. And please visit us again. I love you guys so much, okay? Thank you guys for staying up to be on the show. The cheeks. We love you. The white cheeks. Ladies and gentlemen, the white cheeks. Bye, guys. Thank you. They are the best. We love those fucking dudes, man. These boys are very European. They're cute boys. They're cute boys. You don't like them. I like anime.

She likes anime. She needs therapy. I like anime. Yeah, she needs therapy. Wow. You really do. You don't like real people. Only Harry Styles. Yeah, I get that. He's cute. He's a cutie patootie. Yeah, I really like him. It's funny because, you know, I'm on that game show and Ben Winston. Yeah, Ben's a good looking guy. But Ben also discovered Harry Styles. Did he? Yeah, because he used to be the producer of X Factor.

Is it like American Idol? That's the same thing, right? X Factor was before American Idol. It was? Right. And One Direction was discovered on X Factor. So Harry Styles auditioned. I didn't know that. Yeah, he was on the show, X Factor. Wow. And Simon Cowell...

brought One Direction together, right? Yeah, right. He produced them or whatever. No, he produced X Factor with Ben Winston. And then they discovered... So Ben Winston and Harry Styles are almost best friends. So can we hang out? Well, if they do another second season, I think I'll be comfortable enough. Even though when the pandemic is over, I think there will be a chance where I can call somebody and go.

Can we get backstage passes or something? Yeah, meet and greet. Yeah, so that Jules can meet him. How nice is that? How nice is that? What do you have to say? What if he's rude, though? Would you be, will it disappoint you? Here, I'm Harry Styles, and you guys just came backstage. Ready? Yeah. Hey. Hey, what's up? Hello, hello. Big fan, big fan. Oh, yeah, thanks. Sure, yeah, no doubt. This is my niece, Jules. She's a really big fan. Hey, what's up, Jules? What's up?

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Hey, what's up? It's Oscar! Wait, he's from what? Let me guess where he's from. You don't remember where he's from? I do. Kind of vaguely know. He's Irish? Is he Irish? Yeah. Wait, let me give you a sec. He's from New Zealand? Yep. Where are you from? I'm from Sweden. Pretty close. So close. New Zealand, Sweden, what's the difference? It's between them.

New Zealand Sweden is between so you have Ireland yeah New Zealand not even right yeah no Sweden's right there so Ireland yeah New Zealand yeah underneath the earth yeah Sweden is right there over here oh it's not yeah not even close oh fuck my bad that's almost yeah that's bad that's very far that was probably the worst guess I could have that's fine it's fine what's up bud what's up dude

Well, I'm good. I'm good. Can't complain. How about you guys? We're good. You look more jacked than normal. Last time we commented how jacked this dude was. Have you been working out more? Not really, actually. I've been just sleazing around. But thank you. Wait, did you say sleazing around?

Yeah. Cool word. He's a little fuck machine, isn't he? Look at that fuck machine. Flex both of your arms real quick so we can see where you're at. Flex your arms. Flex them. Yep. Yeah. There he is. There he is. Whoa, he did the fucking turn to the sky. Yeah, because he's able to hear. He knows. Do the hair thing. Do the hair thing. Do the hair thing. Do the hair thing. There you go. Yeah, baby. Hey, so in Sweden, are you guys in quarantine still or I don't know what's going on over there?

Well, I'm not in Sweden right now because I'm in Japan. I live in Japan. Yeah. So I'm not really sure. Yeah. Which is closer to? To Australia. And New Zealand. There you go. Very good. So in Japan, they're very stringent, right, in terms of the rules? No, I think Japan is pretty lax compared to other countries. Oh, really? Yeah. Are you wearing a mask outside? No.

Yeah, yeah, I do. I do. Because it's like, everyone does it. So if you don't have a mask, people will look at you like, hey, you're trying to kill people. I'm not trying to kill people. Yeah, I just have a mask. His fucking room too looks very Japanese. Yeah, it does look very Japanese. Can we see around?

It's like fucking the grudge. Oh, wow. That place is cool. Fuck. Yeah. I have nightmares about this place. Have you seen the grudge? There's a little fucking white-faced boy up there. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wait, wait. Yeah, exactly. Can we see out the window? Is there a window right there? Yeah. Yeah. Not much to see. What time is it there?

In the morning. Oh, look at that view. What a beautiful view. Nice. Look at the garden and the temple. You can see the temple from your view. Yeah, yeah. Hey, now that the window's open, yell out there, yell out. Everybody watch Bad Friends. Everybody watch Bad Friends! Oscar, do you have any fluency level of Japanese or no? Do you not speak it at all?

Yeah, I speak. I can survive for sure. You can? Oh, wow. Let me ask you something. You're there as an... Is he an animator? Is that why he's an artist? He's anime. He is anime. Are you an artist out there? What do you do for work out there again? Well, I am anime, but also I teach English and I go to a Japanese language school.

But his ultimate goal, remember? You remember his ultimate goal? Yeah. What? Is to do anime. Is to be an anime animator. Animator. Animator. And are you attracted to Asian women?

I love Asian women. I love all women, but Asian women are pretty legit. Wow. What a good phrase. They're very good. They're pretty legit. They're pretty legit. You should just be a fucking superhero. You have all of the markings of a superhero. You have great phrasing. Your accent's good. Yeah. You got a nice, look at that fucking jawline. You could cut wood with that thing. Yeah. I don't know why you don't get into, have you ever tried to be an actor? You could be the next action hero star. Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. Can I try something with you? Give me a scene. Absolutely. Yeah, let's do it. Help me. Help me. I'm never going to let this broad go. What are you going to do about it, tough guy? Is she Asian? Yeah, you can see she's Asian. Look at her face. Stop. Don't break the scene. I'll kill her right now. Back up. You're going to kill me with a gun. Back up and get me the money or I'll kill the girl. I will save you. I will help you.

Very much so. Where are you going? I'm out of here. That guy scares me. You did it. You did it. Really good movie. Man, that was really, really good. Really good action scene. Thank you. We could get you in something. I feel like we could get him in something. Oh, so if we write our sketch, we should include Oscar in it, right? Well, we are going to do a movie one day, Andrew and I. We should. And we will have you in the movie maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, thank you very much. I will absolutely. You'd be a villain though, for sure. Yeah. A hundred. Yeah. Yeah. Cause we said that before he looked like Viggo Mortensen. Look at that forehead. Viggo. Yeah. You have a beautiful forehead. Yeah, you do. It's big. Thank you, Bobby. Thank you. Oscar, what's been going on on your schedule? Tell us what the life is like right now in Japan in the summer of COVID.

Well, not much has been going on in my life. I'm studying, I'm doing my work, just trying to do the best I can every single day. Bars are still open, but not as lively as they used to be. Do you get depressed?

Oh, yeah. I've been depressed all my life. Oh, I mean, like you. I have a bond with you because I, too, have been depressed all my life. What are you depressed about, do you think? Well, I think the lack of color in that room is a dead giveaway. Yeah, we should throw something up on those walls. Oscar, can we get you some? Can we send you something to throw up on that wall? If me and Bobby send a picture of us, will you put it on your wall?

I would very much appreciate it. We're taking a photo and we're going to give it to him of us. And we'll sign it. Thinking about you, Oscar. We don't want anything to happen to you. We love you so much. We want you to smile because you're a great dude. We love you. See that smile? There it is. That's what I was hoping for. Oscar, my buddy. What are some things that we can improve on in our podcast?

Yeah. Tell us. Improve on? That's a good question. I think you're doing it very well. Thank you. You have this dynamic. Bobby is, of course, Bobby. And Andrew, you don't...

you don't fall into Bobby's games. You have your own opinions and you play with each other. Sometimes you go very hard at each other with your own opinions. And it just keeps going. But that's enjoyment for me. So I like it. I love it, Oscar. You know, my honest truth, I woke up the other day and I was like, do I love or hate Andrew? There really is that... No, honestly, there really is that question. Sometimes I fucking hate him.

I hate you, right? Yeah. But I think at the end of the day, if you died, it would really devastate me. So that's how I know I love you. Thanks. Oh, that's a good point. I don't have any more love in my heart to give to you than I already have done. So at this point, I feel like I'm your stepdad.

I love you and I know I love you, but it's hard for me to show it because I want to fucking kill you most of the time. That's how I feel about you. Okay. Thank you. Then we're good. That's how I feel about him. And Oscar, you're the glue that binds us. I know the movie. The movie is you and I are a gay couple. Of course. Right? And we adopted him. You know what I mean? From Sweden, but he was like 17. And we live in Japan. We live in Japan. And it's two, you know what I mean? Yeah. Stubborn...

Gay lovers. We three guys. And our son. And our son. Yeah. And our beautiful son, Oscar. Our son, Oscar. And we're in Japan, and you are, of course, an engineer of some kind. And a ventriloquist. And a ventriloquist. Yes. And I am a street vendor. I sell food in Japan. What's your favorite street vendor food in Japan? Street vendor food. Like, what do you get on the street? Huh?

So I like seafood. They have very nice, fresh seafood in the markets. I work in the fish market. Or maybe you have a low-grade sushi stand. Right, it's the old fish. It's old fish. I have all the old—it's called old fish. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. My market's called Old Fish. Yeah. What you do is you get your fish from all the other sushi restaurants that they throw their fish out. Yeah, when Hero is like, no good. And I'm like, it's good for me. I just take it with me and I go. Do we ever talk about that documentary? Yeah, Hero Dreams of Sushi. Have you ever seen that documentary, Hero Dreams of Sushi?

No, I haven't seen it. I heard about it. You should go visit him. They're in the bottom of one of the train stations. I forget which one. You need a four-month reservation to get there. Yeah, but look at how cool he is. You knew who went there? Andrew Schultz.

Yeah, I know. I know. He told me that. He hated it. Yeah, he said it wasn't that good, but nothing is going to live up to the hype. What did you do in Japan when you first got there that you thought was going to be great, but it turned out to be not worth the hype? Did you do anything like that when you moved there? What have we got? The rice. Rice is good. Rice is good. Everything has been good in Japan so far. Yeah. I mean, you know people when they talk about when AI gets sentient.

Like what happens, like ultimate intelligence, get emotions. Yeah. Japan. Japan. It'll be Japan, yeah. Japan's the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think when the singularity happens and machine has consciousness, I think Japan will be the first country that will be taken over by machine. But see, taken over sounds negative. I bet you they'll be immersed with machinery working as one. There's going to be a war. We will have a war.

I think in America we'll have a machine war. I think over there in Japan they'll have figured it out. Yep, the machines will all be connected. It'll be man versus machine. There's no division. They're not like, we're Japanese robots. We're cool. Yeah, there are other Japanese robots. What I'm just saying is that they're all connected. They're going to all be connected through the internet. They're all going to think the same. That's not true. And you go to Japan, does a dog speak English or Japanese? Japanese.

Oh, yeah. Japanese dog. That's right. Japanese dog. Yeah, they bark different. Yeah. Right, they do bark different. And the cats go, miururu. Miururu. Miururu. Miururu. Yeah, you're right. Oscar, we love you to death, and I want you to keep being happy and smiling because we like you more like this. If you ever get bummed out, you let us know. Yeah, do not harm yourself ever. And do you have a girlfriend now or no?

No, not right now. I'm dating a girl though. Can you tell us anything or what? Yeah, everything. She's Filipina, you know Bobby. The wink. Does she live in Japan? She lives in Japan, but she's from the Philippines originally. Right on. She's very great. She's very great, he said. What does she do, Oscar? What does she do?

She's also a teacher. You met at work? Yeah. What are you guys doing for fun? Are you guys going on dates? Can you go out on dates? Is restaurants all open there or no? Yeah, we have a lot of places open. We go to restaurants, drink coffee. Mostly we just talk. You know what's incredible to me is that our friend here lives in Japan. He's from Sweden. He still, for some reason, listens to Bad Friends.

What do you mean? I know, but it's just such a weird idea to me. You mean it's just like hard to think it's real? Yeah. I mean, it feels good to me that he likes us. Yeah. But it's just almost unfathomable in my mind. I can tell you start fathoming it because Oscar is our lifelong friend now. That's really nice. It makes me feel warm-hearted. Thank you. Yeah, me. Absolutely, me too. And I appreciate you guys. And Bobby, I've been listening to you since...

like Opie and Anthony oh wow back in the wow long time ago yeah long time and all and all you've been doing like all this all the success you have right now it like it makes me genuinely feel very good and I'm so happy for you isn't that nice it really feels like a like a friend we you're my friend you're my friend you're my friend too thank you it is kind of cool to see him do ascend in his career and you know what the most remarkable thing is honestly more than anything and I mean this

He deserves almost none of it. And it is cool to watch. He's crying. He's crying, Ask. Do you see he's crying? All right, sign off and say goodbye. Oscar, do you want to say anything else? Fuck you. Hey, enough. Do you want to say anything else or do you want to ask a question, Ask? Do you have anything else before we sign off? I get emotional. Fuck you. Lie.

No, I'm too nervous to think of anything. I love you, buddy. We love you, Oscar. You're the best, buddy. Look at Bobby showing his boobs for you. Show your boobs there for us. There you go. Bye, buddy. Bye, buddy. I love you. Bye, buddy. Bye, buddy. He's great. I really did get emotional. That was not a fucking lie. And you fucking had to put me down. You faked it. So you might have got emotional after the fact, but you faked it at the beginning. Look at that. You faked it at the beginning. You faked it at the beginning. She knows. Did he fake it at the beginning?

I don't know. See? Look. I know, but you can do that at any point in time because you're holding in so many emotions. You can make yourself cry over anything. I think I want the Swedish guy to date Rudy. The Swedish guy? He's like our age. Oh, he is? Yes. No, he's a fucking... I thought he was in his early 20s. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's not, but I... He's in his early 20s. I thought you said he was cute. Yeah, but I didn't say...

You a date-o? Yeah. All right, all right. He looks more mature, for sure. How old does he look to you? 25. I would say 28, 30, 5. All right. No, but let's, hey, let's make it happen. It's funny because I feel like I'm Rudy's dad, American dad. Sure. Sure.

No, there is a feeling of that. No, I don't disagree. Yeah, and I for some reason want her... I don't want her to go to school and come back and go, I have a new boyfriend. And it's some fucking dirtbag. I want to be able to go, yeah or no. First of all, she's out in a year. She's going to go to school somewhere. And she's not going to bring home a boyfriend to you. She's never going to tell you. Are you? Are you going to tell him? If it's serious, yeah.

You think she's going to get serious with a boy soon? No, she's focused on school and life and things she cares about. Anime. And Harry Styles. Ding dong, the country's gone. Let's go. Woo!

Ding dong, the country's gone. We're locked down, can't go out, can't go out to eat with friends because people won't wear masks so we have to stay at home. Ding dong, country's gone. Rip your cheeks off with my fucking fingers. Rip my cheeks off? Yeah. Rip my cheeks off with your dirty little fingernails. I wish you would wash them more than you could rip my cheeks.

Yeah. You really, really do irritate me, though. You irritate me. You get me so angry and rageful. And it's like I've known you all. Hold on. Is that music? Oh, are you cleaning a knife? Yeah. What is that for? I just bought it. Brought it. What? I just brought it at home. You brought that knife? Yeah. Here. I asked Auntie Kalilah if I can play with it and maybe decorate it here.

And she said, yeah. Wait, wait. Whose knife is that? I've never seen that knife before in my life. No, I bought it at home and then I brought it here. You bought it in the mail? Yeah. And you brought it here? Yeah, on Amazon. Holy... You brought that... And what is that knife for? I thought that I could play with it, but then...

I thought also that I could decorate my table. Oh, you want to decorate your table with a fucking Klingon hunting knife? That's your station. You're allowed to do whatever you want to your station. This is really weird because I did not see... Dude, I heard a sing-sing and I'm thinking it's music. No.

No, I'm serious. I heard sing, sing. And I'm thinking, oh, someone's got music on in their headphones. No. But she's cleaning the knife. Yeah. It's kind of rusty. Did you know this was, you brought this, you saw her bring this in? I swear to God on my mother's life that I did not see her bring that into the car. No, I did. You remember when we got out, I grabbed my hand at the back. Is there a sleeve that it goes in? Is there like a leather pouch?

Yeah. I think you cleaned it enough. Stick it back in the pouch. Can I see it? Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. This has the dried blood of soldiers on it. Look at that. That's the dried blood of men. Yeah. Where did you buy this, Rude? Amazon. Yeah, but like from just like a guy? Yeah. Is it handmade? Yeah.

I don't know, but it was like $25. Do you want to cut something? That's all it was, was $25? Yeah, that's fine. Let me see. Do you want to cut? Should I cut this as hard as I can? No. Why? Can I hold on to it? God, I don't trust you with it so much. Give me the fucking knife. Say please. Please. Fuck no. Jag off. You're a jag off. I'm giving you a fucking weapon. I'm giving you a weapon? Really? I don't have Amazon. I can't get a knife as well? Then get a knife and bring one yourself. I will. I'm going to bring other things as well. Okay? Okay.

Give me the knife. Put your hand out real fast. Let me do the knife game. You know the knife game? Alright, do it. See what happens. Okay. Go ahead. Put it more in the middle. I can't really... Alright, ready? Oh, man. This is so fucking... Alright. Can I do yours now? No, because you'll stab me on purpose as a bit. No, you're gonna do it as a bit. Why would I stab you as a bit? I wanna do it. Because you would do it and then you'd go, Oh, my God, I was just kidding. Yes, you were. No.

You have no trust with me. Uh-huh. Yeah, put your fucking hand down or I'm leaving. That's not fair. If you stab my fucking hand. Yeah. I'm dead serious. Yeah. I'm going to fucking beat the shit out of you. You don't think that that's going to be a... Yeah, be a man, dude. Slow. No, no, go faster. Fuck this shit.

Rudy, Rudy, why do you have this? I thought, I don't know. Get close to the mic. Rudy, this is important. You thought what?

I thought that I could decorate. I know, but... Yeah, but get candles and, you know, and photographs. That's what people use in America. Yeah, but then everyone's, like, saying that I'm Rudy with a knife. You are Rudy with a knife. Yeah, because you had one dream, but that doesn't make you who you are because you had a dream. But it's also nice. She does like knives. She does like knives. Oh, my God.

She's a spooky girl. Wait a minute. Can I just say something? At five in the morning, I'll just go out to get a water. Yeah. And she's just kind of with her hair over her face, wandering around the house. Do you do that to freak him out or just... No. I usually just do that. You just walk around? Yeah. And I don't... Rudy, leave the knife out if you... Do you want it on the wall? Yeah. Okay, we'll do it after the show. I'll put it... So she'll wander around the house...

She wanders around the house at five in the morning and you go, hey, Juliana, and nothing. Why don't you respond, Rude? Sometimes I don't hear him. Do you not want to hear him or do you genuinely not hear him? No, I don't.

I don't hear him. And that's why he gets mad that I don't say good morning to Bobby. Yeah. You get mad because maybe she doesn't hear you. No. There's something going on. She's probably spaced out. She has those, like, I'm about to snap eyes. Yeah. You know? Like, when she tells me, when she tells me, and she has to learn how to do this better, but take out the trash. We asked last time, and you said it really nice. No, but she does it like this. Tito Bobby, take out the trash. Take out the trash.

As if, if I don't, there are consequences. And I don't know what those are. Filipino witchcraft? They do that. Voodoo? They have that. Yeah. And she likes to eat old food.

Like leftovers? Yeah. Leftovers. No, but real old. Like it's been in there for a while. Like four-week, five-week-old fucking sandwiches and shit. You don't get sick from that? Just one week, not four weeks. One week is not that bad. No, there's been something that's been in for weeks and weeks. Rudy, have you bought more than one knife on the internet so far? Yeah, I have three more in the house. Do you know that? Do you seriously not know that she has three knives at the house? Are they that size? There's one that's bigger, and then there's another one that's just small. You created a monster, dude.

The Rudy with the knife thing took off and now she's got knives. This is how it starts. This is how those shows start. She'll go like this too. Uncle Tito, Tito Bobby, look. And she'll look and someone will draw a photo of her with a knife. But she'll look almost as if this is who I am.

I mean, do you love knives? This is who I am. She does like knives. But what do you love about the knife? What do you love about ordering these knives that makes you feel good? Is it protection? No. I like the style, but then it's also because of anime. Anime. Always they have a lot of knives and swords. You know, honestly, this anime thing...

Because this is a God honest truth. Every time I walk by her room and she leaves it cracked open. She wants you to know. And she just has her big jungle feet. She has big feet, by the way. I know. And she'll just be there and she'll be watching anime 24 hours a day. Just like just watching. And every once in a while, I'll look through and she'll look at me like this.

And she'll go back to the anime. She is... There's something wrong. Yeah, but I think it's a good thing. She's finding a new hobby. She's not on drugs. Yeah, not on drugs. She doesn't do drugs. Run around with loser dudes. She doesn't hang out with loser dudes. But she is going to get her license, right? Yeah. Are you? Yeah, we're going to get her a driver's license. Can we film her getting her driver's test? Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Will you do that? Can we film you driving? Is that possible? Yeah, we can put a GoPro on the car. Yeah, we have fucking... Cameras, yeah. We can do all that stuff.

Are you down? Yeah. Let's do Jules takes us for a drive. Yeah. Will you get in the car? Can you and I get in the car with her or no? Never. Why? Have you driven before? Ever? In the Philippines. Never once here in the United States? No. Why don't you drive home? You want to drive home? No. Please? Yeah. Please drive home. Please. Rudy, please. It's so easy. It's so easy. Put your foot on the gas and let it go, go, go. And as soon as something gets in the way, hit it. Hit it. You're going to drive home? No. Let her drive. Seriously, will you do it?

Auntie Kalilah's going to get mad. She won't even know. Yeah, Auntie Kalilah is the ruler of the house. Ruler of the house. Maker of the... Why? Why can't... What if you didn't tell her? What if we get into an accident? That's true. But then... But then... We switch seats. You switch seats. Right. And the cop will go, what happened? I'm the one that ran over the family. The entire family? There was seven people that you ran over. Yeah, yeah.

All right, well, Rudy. Really? Rudy, we're going to talk about the knife thing later. We're going to talk about the knife thing off camera. I honestly am freaked out that I wasn't able to notice that she brought the fucking knife into the fucking car. I'm beginning to think the knife was already here. No. No, it was not here. I was here earlier, and there was nothing on the floor. You brought that in. Look at me right now. Okay, look at me right now. Yes. No. Yes, what? Tito Bobby. Okay, Tito Bobby. You promised me that you brought that knife into my Prius.

and brought it here to the studio. Yes. And if I find out that you're lying, I'm going to put a booger in your mouth. Okay. Okay? All right. Okay. I'm a man of my word. He is. Okay. All right, come here. Here's what I want you to do. Take your headphones off and walk back here with your knife and get between us and let's sign off together. Okay? Because last time she didn't sign off.

Yeah, and I saw the video. It was only me. Yeah, because we caught you not signing off. So I want to see it with us right here because that's part of the... Or we'll cut to just you. We're a team. Yes, you either come with us or you're... Yeah, see? There we go. Yeah. Go near Tito with that knife. Holy fucking shit. Dude, she is going to fucking kill you guys. She does. 100%. Okay, so there we go. Now look right in the center camera. One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend. I didn't hear you. I didn't hear her either.

Loud! Do it on your own. On your own. Do it on your own. Ready? One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend. Good. Knife is so legit. You're careless with your eyebrows.

You don't trim them. You let them go crazy. Is he organizing his shop? On this day in history. Andres, you just won with me. Oh, he's just chomping into your video game? Andres, here's Bobby. Bobby, tell him. Bobby, you tell him to go fuck himself. You fucking son of a bitch. That was a fucking...

I swear to fucking God, dude, alright? I put you on the podcast map. You're dead, Andreas. Andreas, log off. You guys log off. No, don't log off. Yeah, yeah. I like your shirt.