The 2 Dumbest Comedians Alive
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You use those? I tried the one. Yeah, Tom and I did a long time ago. Tom and I did an episode where we went to a sex store and we got a bunch of sex toys. Yeah, yeah. And we tried them out. Yeah. And I'll tell you, there's one. It's called the man wand. Oh. Don't look at me. Oh, I know. Harry Potter uses it. That's it. That's it. That's it right there. Oh, the man wand? That thing. Dude. That thing. Dude.

That thing is better than any chick you'll ever meet, any dude you'll ever meet. But anyway, yeah, and, you know, now girls come over to my house, and I have it out on the table. I don't care. Oh, yeah. I don't hide. I would be insufferable as a boyfriend. Like if Leanne passed away and I started dating, there's no— Well, just divorce could have been a thing. No. Yeah, well, why go to death right up front? There's no plan on us getting divorced. If she died, that's the only reason I'd start dating other people.

Really that's the only way we're never gonna get divorced. What if she goes um I'm killer I'm gonna make a drink. Hey, but it's already stressing me out. Yeah, so I just want to let you know we're not doing a good accent Hey, hey, there you go. There you go. Hey, hey, hey, hey

Hey, Bert. Yeah, we have wonderful kids. We have wonderful kids, and you give me a great life, right? But I want to tell you right now, man, I'm into the ladies, and I just think that right now— That'd be cool. I'll go, just keep dating ladies. We're going to stay married.

But that gives you the green light to go with other girls? No, I probably won't. Whatever you want. Okay, I discussed this. It's not a Freudian. It's not a Freudian. Freudian flip. Okay, go ahead. This is why, like I was just talking to someone about this the other day. Might have been my daughters. My daughters asked my body count the other day. What is your body count? Six. This year? No, my whole life. Holy...

Six your whole life? Yeah, my whole life. Oh, you're like a Christian. Dude, you're like a Mormon or something. This is insane. I don't know who I was just telling this to, but I definitely, the problem is I was just bad. The first time I did it, it was really bad. Who was I just telling this to?

And it was really bad. And so after that, like just I didn't perform well. I came fast. My dick wasn't even in her. It was between her butt cheek and the bed. And then it was like, it was such a nightmare that I was so like, I remember getting into the bathroom after it was done, looking in the mirror. And so it was so humiliating. And then even like my next two times were so still just not, wasn't good at it. And I thought I'd be good at it. It's like saying like,

It's like being like- - You're good, you're good. - No, now I've gotten better. - Yeah, yeah. - But I was not. - Are you sure? - I'm sure. - No, because that's what Leigh-Anne says. - No, no, no. Now I'm good. - Yeah, but Leigh-Anne could be lying to you. - Oh, she probably is. - Then you're not good. - No, yeah, maybe I'm not. - Yeah, yeah, I'm telling you you're not good. - It's the reason like people that don't- - I wanna say you're not good. - People that don't sing karaoke, they sing karaoke for a reason. - Yeah. - So I don't fuck other people

For the same reason people don't sing karaoke. Do you lock eyes? Dude, I was... Okay, tell me about that. Like, I didn't even talk during sex. Like, I was silent. Like Helen Keller. You'd moan like her? I'd freak out just...

And then someone would come in and go, bread, bread. All the air bouncing off my hand, Helen. Yeah, wow. You know, there should be a statistic, right? And I don't know if this is a fact. I don't think they have a statistic for this. But I believe that for fat Asian guys in America, right, I think I have the biggest body count. Oh, what's your body count? I can't tell you. What are you talking about? When did you start keeping secrets? Me and your open fucking books, Bobby. Okay, okay.

I don't know. I literally don't know. You had to ballpark it.

Like, let's just ballpark it in Asian countries, okay? Are you China, where it's like so big you can't wrap your head around it? No, no, no. Okay, are you Japan, where you're just... Well, you can't compare it with a Chinese guy in China because it's like, I feel like it's easier. What do you mean? Oh. Like, if I was a Chinese guy in China, it'd be easier to get gross. My point is, but coming to America, being a fat Asian guy and getting white chicks and Mexican, all this stuff, it's harder. That's the fucking key. It's challenging. That's really difficult. And I feel like I have the highest body count, I think. It's easier when you pay, though.

Wait, are you talking about your body count? You know what? I'm trying to come here with positivity, dude. Right? And your little jokes, dude. Right? I'm going to let them slide today. I wish I had paid for sex. You've never done it? No. Okay. I wish I had. Why? I look back and I go, I'm bummed I never did. I don't know. It's better to have when you get free roaming. What's the same reason? What? Free roaming. You know what I mean? Like in the wild. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's more challenging. Yeah.

It's like, you know, I think recess is like, you know, killing a cow at a barn. You know what I mean? Like he's enclosed and trapped. It's easier. Yeah. Obviously. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if there's cows in the wild. I think I don't know. I think the analogy is shooting fish in a barrel, not killing. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. I think you can't just apply that to any fucking animal. But I try to come up with my own analogy. It's like hunting horses. All you need is an apple and a gun.

All right. Oh, yeah. Fish in the barrel. Fish in the barrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish I had paid for sex the same reason that I'm glad I went skydiving. Like, I'd never do it again, but I'm glad I had the experience once. Yeah, I would never do that. You would never go skydiving? No, no. Bungee jumping? I would do it with Henry Cavill. Oh, Superman? Yeah. I think his name's Cavill. Whatever. And I want to say this, too. I don't want to be controversial right now. Oh, I'd love to hear this. Yeah, yeah. But not only that, I think he's the best Superman of all time. Oh.

I don't care. There's no way to argue it. Ben Affleck is better than Henry Cavill. Who's better? Ben Affleck is better than Henry Cavill. He's Batman.

Oh. Oh, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's Batman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, was Henry Cavill Superman when Ben Affleck was Batman? Yeah, they fought each other. Oh, okay. Henry Cavill's the best Superman. Yeah, they fought against each other. That was my favorite Superman. What? When they fought against each other? When they fought against each other. That was too long and convoluted. And then Wonder Woman showed up and Aquaman was sitting in the water? Aquaman was not in. That was in the Justice League.

Aquaman and The Flash were not in that movie because I just rewatched them in fucking in Montana because I had nothing to do. I went from Christopher Reeves all the way through. Okay. Pull up all the Superman real quick. All right. So I honestly believe I can rank them. And let's just do film. I don't want to do TV. Nick Cage was Superman? He was supposed to be. Oh, okay. And in one of the Superman movies, he was in it or something, right? In The Flash, they do a little... A little montage at the end where they showed him. Right.

in a multiverse kind of a. But so I think that it goes Henry Cavill, then it goes to Christopher Reeves, then it goes Brandon Ruth.

Oh, I would put Kirk Allen in there. You don't know Kirk Allen? No, no, George Reeves. Of course, George Reeves. I mean, George Reeves. George Reeves is the one I remember the most. Oh, that's the old school 51s. Dean Cain looks like the kind of guy that votes Republican now, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah. Like he's got some real opinions about France. He looks like Kim Jong-un, actually. Look at him. Yeah, yeah. But what do you think?

I think I, I, Henry Cavill. Best Batman. No, no. What's your best, best Batman? My best Batman? Yeah, yeah. Ben Affleck. I'm a big Ben Affleck fan. The only reason I ever get sober if Ben Affleck called and said he wanted to be my sponsor. You met him. No, I've never met him. I love that guy. Well,

Wait, wait, wait. You would get sober only if Ben Affleck asked you to... If he called me up right now and he was like, yo, it's Ben Affleck. I would love to be your sponsor, get you into sobriety. I'd be like, fuck yes. Okay, let me throw some... How about Anthony Hopkins? No. For being sober? Or for Batman. Yeah, Anthony Hopkins would be a bad man. All right, what about... So no, I'm going to... Brad Pitt. No. No.

He's the only one Ben Affleck. I think I get him I get his I feel like I feel like I like him I like him, you know, you know why why he doesn't hide his emotions, right? And I don't when he's walking out of the fucking limos with with JLo normally

As a guy, we would be like, all right, there's going to be people there. Smile. Yeah, he's just so drama. Like, I hate it. I don't care what people think. And he's smart as shit. He's really smart. Dude, I saw him on Bill Maher's, what's it called? Real Time. Real Time. And he fucking lit that dude up.

Yeah. About the, yeah. Him and Matt Damon are two of the smarter dudes that are movie stars. They're so smart. They are. We don't have that, we don't even, I mean like, Rogan's smart like that. Like he could, he's smart. Rogan and Burr are the two guys that could eviscerate somebody in like a conversation. Who are the dumbest? Me and you. Ha!

By far. By far. Okay, let's talk about Gaza. I don't know where it is, but my point is it's got to be near Israel. It's got to be. Can I tell you? I really believe that Gaza is like Sunset Boulevard. Yeah. Like it's a road. Yeah. Is Gaza a road? Yeah. It is, right?

What do you guys don't know either, do you? It's a strip. It doesn't have roads anymore. Wait, is it a strip? Yeah. Like, is it like the Vegas strip? Yeah. Do people like for a bachelorette party, they go to the Gaza strip? I don't follow any of it. Yeah, yeah. I remember the first time Andrew brought up Gaza. I didn't know where it was. So he goes, what do you think of Gaza? You know what I said to him? I go, Azad. Azad.

And he goes, what do you mean? He goes, I go, that's backwards. That's all I know. Don't bring this up. I don't want to talk about this. I'm just proving. We are the two dumbest comedians. I can throw... Theo all of a sudden got smart. I don't know when the fuck that happened. He doesn't. If you watch his interviews, he doesn't. He pretends to be. Yeah, man. You can't say yeah, man after someone says something's not smart. How would you have interviewed Donald Trump?

That's a weird approach, I don't know. - I wouldn't have done it. - What? - I wouldn't have done it. - I don't think I would have done it. - I got invited to the national Republican convention

And I wanted to go just to get fucking wasted and just have fun. And my wife wouldn't let me go. She's like, you will get caught into some conversation like Billy Bush and be like, yeah, grabbing the pussy. Yeah, I just, you know, I hate that we're like that in this country. I thought you were talking about, we're still talking about me and you. Me and you are like that. If you go to the fucking National Republican Confidentialization. Conversations? Conversations. But here's the thing is, right, I, no, no, I could shut my mouth.

Bull? Yeah, I can shut my mouth. I can shut my mouth. I know how to shut my mouth. Oh, you think that when I go on this set of Sex and the City and I'm with Sarah Jessica Parker that I start mothling out about pussy? You know what I mean? Like, what kind of ass do you have? I would never do that. No, I say to myself, shut the fuck up.

- Okay. - Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. - Do you know the smart people don't have that inner dialogue where they go, "Shut the fuck up." - They don't. - "Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak." - It's not that we're dumb, it's not that we're dumb, we just don't have that little thing in our brain. - Oh yeah, I don't. - But that's not being dumb. - Do you know every- - We would be in the Paralympics, not the Special Olympics. - I take that. - Yeah, and the Paralympics is just people that are like, physically there's something going on, right? - Yeah. - But our minds are normal. - Can I tell you the only thing I drew from the Paralympics? Do you know the reporters are para reporters?

They're going too far. No, it's para reporters. Other reporters don't have arms either. Yeah. Did you know that? No. I've been watching the Paralympics. Really? That's insane. No, no. It's appropriation if they have like Bryant Gumball doing... All you have to do is this. Are you paraplegic too? As a reporter, I'd be like, yeah, man, what's up?

You can't ask someone what their illness is. Oh, really? Oh, then you can go, yeah, my toes are missing. Yeah, if you go like, so wait, what's your thing? You gotta go, I choose not to tell you. Really? You're invading my body. Oh, that's cool. So then anyone can be a reporter at the Paralympics. Technically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just lie. Yeah. Or just bump into a wall. Is it the same with Special Olympics? Same thing with Special Olympics? No, I don't think so.

See, this is where my brain's going, shut the fuck up, Bert! Shut the fuck up! That's so interesting. I didn't know that, huh? Yeah. But it's like, don't you think that's gone too far now? No, because that's the whole thing is that...

Listen, let's be honest. If you're watching the fucking 100 sprints and Noah Wiley's there, and they got a guy with no legs doing the interview, you're going to be like, this is awkward. This is really, couldn't you guys have thought about, if a guy's like, hey, you ran really fast, and Noah Wiley's like, yeah, to you. Like, I run really fast to you. But like, to everyone else, I'm just really fast. But to you, I'm like, mind-blowing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are there reporters that have limbs missing in the regular Olympics interviewing? No. Why would they? That's not fair. Okay, it's not fair. That's why they give them the jobs for the Paralympics. Because here's the deal. If they show a guy with no arm interviewing an ice skater, you are not going to listen to the interview. You're going to go, what happened to his arm? Especially when his little shirt flap moves. All right. It's going to distract you.

I'm just telling you I'm being real that's why they know it's it losing an arm It depends on where you lose do they just let women on the sidelines to interview football players like yeah When do you think they're gonna look it's a fucking can you would you rather have your arm miss here? Oh fuck or right here? It's a game changer. I've known a lot of guys without arms. I don't want to hear I know so many because you have that little piece sticking out like that. I don't like that no no well You know that's not why you don't want it Why?

I just don't want a little, you know, the little thing sticking out like this, right? I would do it here. That's not why. Why? That's not why you don't want it. Why? Why? Why? Because this is a lot more usable, this thing. Oh, this part? You want, the more of the limb you can salvage, the better. So what's the worst? Here? This is the easiest. That's the best. If you just want your hand, that's the best. Okay. Okay. Oh my God. I don't want to see photos. I know what it is. We can imagine it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah Bobby it's this yeah, yeah, so yeah you say this is the best situation Yes, this right here is second best second best and then here if you lose it here your it's tough Yeah, yeah, but a lot of dudes what so I know I know probably four guys and a girl that have lost in

They lost their use of their arm. It just hangs there like a dead arm. And they get it cut off because it causes so many... And they burn it on stuff and they bump it in and slam it into doors. So they got to get them taken off. Wow. I know a girl that did that. God, I wish I remembered her name. She was a really cool young lady. She got into a moped accident in college and broke her arm and then got in another moped accident and broke it again and never got use of her arm back.

What do you think about getting attacked by animals like a shark at all? Wait, wait stop you're going coming at me so quickly good women from amputees the shark I think about I know so you know the connection is losing the list. It's just like it's just like a fun day in the beach Yeah, yeah, yeah, all of a sudden you don't just go don't go that quick to the to the sharks Okay, let's take away better. I'll do it better. All right, right, so hey, do you like the beach? But you gotta bring this into it. Do you like the beach?

Oh, I love the beach. I was just recently at a beach. Dude, I saw one guy, armed guy swimming in circles. Hey, are you afraid of sharks? That's it. There we go. That's it. Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my answer to you- Did you see the guy with no arms swimming in the Olympics? No. Can you pull that up? He's Asian. You're going to love this, Bobby. Oh, whoa. He's Asian. Yeah. And no arms. And the only reason he's winning the whole time. Yeah. The only reason he loses is he doesn't have fucking arms. That's the only reason why he loses? That's the only reason he loses because the other guy goes like this.

It's Asian Paralympics. And I want to throw another thing about this guy. That's it. Before you play it, I want to say one last thing. Look at this. Look at this. I know. Just give me. Let me say one last thing. All right. Is what also sucks about his situation. He can't even use his dick to help him to swim. Yeah. It's like a rucker.

Yeah, but it's so. Oh, I see what you're saying. Cut that joke out. That didn't work. I paused the whole flow of it. Just to do a small dick joke, right? And it came out weird. So go ahead. So watch this. Watch him. Watch him. Watch him. He's just, look at this. Oh my God, look at him. Right. He's looking. That's him breathing. That's him breathing. But the only reason the other guy wins is because he's got fucking arms. He's got to hit the wall with his head.

But with the arms, what does he have? What's missing? You can't ask. Oh, so you could be... Okay. What?

The only reason that Ukrainian guy won is because the Chinese, that's Chinese, right? Yeah. Look at this blind guy still. But Gao's second. The Chinese took second. That's good. No, but if he had one arm, just one arm, he would have won. That's life. If I was six foot three, I'd be Yao Ming. Come on. Yeah. You know what I mean? Not really. Seven foot. If I was seven foot, I'd be Yao Ming. Wait, hold on. Isn't he Chinese? Yeah. You get what I'm saying. No. Jeremy Lin.

Yeah. Jeremy Lin. And if I had a bigger dick, I'd be Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So, look, I want to talk to you about something that, because I want to get the facts straight. Shoot. And, you know, as people know, I was injured on your tour. Oh, God.

Yeah. Okay, let's get it. Well, I just want to do some investigating here. No, I love your investigative reporting. Thank you so much. I'm a big fan. I seem to be the target of it every time, but keep going. I'm not targeting you. I know. Every time I get a fucking text, hey, did you see who was on Bobby's podcast? And I'm like, motherfucker. Go ahead. I love this. I love this. So at 2, 2, 2, 2 in the morning, I fall off my bunk. Yes. Hit my lip. Yes. Get knocked out.

Bleeding blood everywhere. Blood everywhere. You know, I go to the front of the bus. I don't know what the fuck to do. I go to the bus driver and I go, hey, dude, I think I need to go to the hospital. He's like, you can't wait five hours. Okay. We're almost there at Fort Lauderdale. Five hours. So I'm sitting there. You said you can't wait five hours? Yeah, yeah.

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Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash bad friends, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash bad friends, all lowercase. Now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash bad friends. Are you fucking kidding me? I was hurt by it. I bet you I would have been hurt. I was so scared. I would have been pissed. I was so scared.

So I'm sitting there, I have my shirt over my face, bleeding, and I'm texting you guys. Yes. I text eight people. God damn it, I gotta find this fucking... You'll find it, you'll find it. I have all the fucking... All right, you'll find it. And the only... Please someone send me that fucking chat thread. It was so fucking hysterical. How? It was because... So the problem with me and you is that when we get honest, sometimes people still think we're joking. And so...

Yeah. When you said I fell out of my bunk, everyone thought it was, we didn't know that was real. And then Leanne was the only one that was like, wait, Bobby's really hurt. That was, she was the first person to be like, Bobby's really hurt. Yeah. And so that was the. What time, that was at six in the morning. It was like around 10 a.m. 10 a.m. Yeah. I think they were taking you to the hospital already. No, no. Leanne's the one that saved me. Yeah. Leanne. You don't give a shit. The first person to respond was Mark Norman.

He wasn't even on tour. I know. He was just left. Oh, yeah, he just left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he got the text. He was getting on a plane, and he said, busted rip? So funny. So funny. So I'm going to tell you who were the helpful ones. It wasn't me. I know exactly. That's why you're not on this list. Okay. Who are the hopeful ones? Number one, Leigh-Anne, your wife. Yes, she was very helpful. Oddly enough.

Dave Attell. No. Because he was the one that texted me a bunch of times afterwards to see how I was doing, checking up. Really? Yeah, yeah. I checked in. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Nope. I definitely did. Fuck you. I definitely did. Yeah, yeah. I did. I 100% did. Listen, you know what you are? What am I, Bobby? Remember Game of Thrones? You know what I mean? Yeah. Who was the original king before the Lannisters went in there?

That big, warm Robert Baratheon. That's what you are. I'm Robert Baratheon? Yeah, you're Robert Baratheon. Is that bad or good? I don't remember. It's in the middle. I'm the father of King of...

There you are. So I'm the one that gets killed by the deer. Look at you. That's you, dude. I might be Robert Brown. I always saw myself as a Ned Stark kind of guy. No, you're not a Stark guy. I'm a little more like Ned Stark. What am I in the world? In Game of Thrones? Yeah. You're the guy that throws fireworks everywhere. What? There's some guy that throws fireworks everywhere? Put in Asian guy fireworks Game of Thrones. What?

There's no. There is no. Asian guy. Firework. Game of Thrones. Oh, I'm that guy. Wait. Oh, that's a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a. Whatever. That's not. Yeah, that's David Chang. I don't know what I'm thinking of. I don't know. Okay. There are no Asians in Game of Thrones. Okay. Let's be for real. Who are you in Game of Thrones? You're going to say Peter Dinklage's character. No, I'm not. No, no, no, no. Buddy, you're not that smart. Peter Dinklage is a gangster in Game of Thrones. Yeah, you're right. He kind of organizes everything. Jason Momoa. No. Okay. Fuck. You're more like Khaleesi's brother.

oh the one that gets gold on his face oh yeah weasley yeah like you're not you're not i'm like a weasel no no no no you know who you are oh thank you you are no you're not khaleesi's brother give me another shot you are um the baby dragon no you're one of the you're one of the you're one of the guys that's on the night watch oh i know who i am the kid that betrays him

- Yeah, you are. - Right? Remember the kid? And he gets hung. - You're the kid who stabs him. - Yeah. - You're the kid who stabs him in the ass. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, the little kid, and then he gets hung at the end. - Yeah. - I'm him. - Do you know what I wanted to do with you so bad? - What do I want to do with you? - I wanted to do a trauma bowl of candy.

What's that? Have you ever seen Tromba Bowls? No. Have you never seen Tromba Bowls? Can we go back to the lip thing or what? Okay, so let's go back to the lip thing. All right. Let's go back to the lip thing. Do you think anyone's following this podcast? They're like, I don't know what they're talking about. Thank God they have Andrew and Tom to do podcasts with. No, I like this. I like this. I do too. Yeah, I like it. Okay. So here's what I wrote. I wrote, are you fucking crazy? I feel bad that I ruined it. Wait. Oh, this is you. This is you. Okay. Okay. Okay, it's 2.06, so it's a little late in the day.

In the morning, yeah. What do I say? I wrote. When you say the people that are in the thing, try to do their voices too. No, no, hold on. This is just me and you. What are you doing? Hang on. Let me do my fucking investigative journalism. All right, so I'll just talk about my half of it, okay? So right here, the first thing I do is send two photos in a gigantic group chat for 40 people that are in it, okay? Yeah.

And then I write a letter. Okay. Tear everyone. I fell off the top bunk and hit my mouth on a ledge and my lip is split open and I don't know what to do. Okay. Another. And I say, good night. The next text I get is three hours later.

Three hours later, dude. Oh my God. Can someone please find the text that was just sent with all the texts attached of all the comedians replying to that, that you just sent me? I'm fighting with Bobby and I need to win. There's no win or lose. There's only facts. No, I- These are facts. Okay, let me go to fully loaded.

Oh yeah, go to the fully loaded Talent week one with Bobby Leonet. I got week three. I got week... There's just so many weeks. Week two, and then I got week one. Yeah. Okay. Let me get to your face. Okay. Here we go. Okay. Timeline. Timeline. Okay. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. Okay. Okay.

Good morning. Today's activities are the Birdcast episode in Bert's shower room. We also have a private pool with a bartender starting at 2 p.m. 2 p.m. snow cones, trucks will be coming. Is there a ballpark for the podcast? I don't know. Very loose plans. And then Bobby Lee wrote, oh, hang on. Oh, hang on. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. What are you doing, dude? That was like seven hours after. I fell off the top bunk and I hit my funnel ledge. My lip is split open and I don't know what to do. Thank you. And then he wrote, good night. Good night. Good night.

Kyle Kinane wrote put ice on it and tell everyone you got hurt doing something cooler than falling off a bunk bed and Kyle fuck you Leanne wrote oh shit yep here we go Rachel said coming to help she's the best and then Victoria said coffee

Yeah, Victoria I have issues with. I have really big issues with Victoria, and I'm not ashamed to say it, okay? She put voodoo on the reason why I lip, my lip thing. You think so? Oh, yeah. She said she would do voodoo, and then I got hit my lip. And so that's the one, dude. Shit. Yeah. Anyway, fuck Victoria. And then you do some asshole that's, good morning, today's activities. I'm about to die. And somebody goes, an activities fucking announcement, right? And then...

And then you said a picture. The picture's horrific. Yeah. And Victoria writes, you're doing amazing, sweetie. Yeah. Leanne writes, I'm so sorry, Bobby. Please let me know if you need anything. Someone else writes, looks better. And guess what? Stacey says, get some sleep. Oh, that'll fix it. And guess what, Bert? From two to then, you don't text a woman. Ha ha ha.

You don't text one time. Mark Norris. You're a piece of shit. Why didn't you text? Hang on. Victoria wrote. Did you see what he's doing? Not text once. Hold on. I was busy doing activities. He wasn't at the bar. I didn't know that it was as bad as it was. I sent you photos, fuck. I know, but I was laying in bed. I was sleeping. Okay. And then Chad Daniels wrote, your skin looks great. Okay. Mark Norris wrote, busted rip. That was very funny. Good laugh. Mark, good laugh. He wrote, woo, what happened? You get Will Smithed again?

Very funny. Okay. And then I wrote at, I wrote privately to you. Oh, you did? I did, of course. I'm not going to write to, I don't write. Oh, that's right. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah, I wrote. Let's go back to Bert. I wrote. Okay.

Way back. Hey, buddy. How are you feeling? Is there anything I can do? It looks great. You're right. You're right. I think you're right. Yeah. Absolutely. Fly home tomorrow if you need to. I feel horrible. And you went, are you crazy? I feel bad that I ruined everything. I wanted to do the remaining dates in a couple weeks. I'm so sorry this happened. I love you so much, but I can't literally open my mouth in so much pain. And I wrote, Bobby, you didn't ruin anything, buddy. We're all bummed that this happened. Everyone loves you. I wish you were here to tell you that. I love you to death. Take care of yourself first, brother. I love you and have fun. And I can definitely have you on those remaining dates. I go into it.

And then I said, wow, does it still hurt? And you guys seems a little bit better, but I'll see you next week. I'm going to kill it for you. And I said, you're the best. And I want to say something very positive to you and your family. What's that? And, um, and I've, I've never, I never expected it. And I also was like, why would they do that? But Leanne calls me and she goes, and by the way, the dates you missed, we're still going to pay you for those. Yeah. Which is,

I mean, I'm not going to get... I was emotional when I got that. Because it's not like I... It's whatever. I would never even thought about it, right? But it's just the idea that you're just that cool that you guys would just do that, which is... And it's not chump change. It's a nice chunk of money. You know what I mean? And so it's like...

For me, I have to admit, you and Tom over the years have been real friends and allies to me and Andrew and our family and this and that. And it's just a real blessing. It's hard to give you compliments, to be honest with you.

For real? Yeah, right now I just wanted to say something negative, but I'm trying to get into staying in the zone. But no, you guys are really just really great guys, and I appreciate it. Really nice. Thank you. I'll tell you why we honor the money. Because when Georgia was four, she fell and broke her jaw, knocked out all her teeth in a pair of Crocs. And I got pulled off a tour because I had to fly home. It was a Sunday night tour.

And it wasn't a ton of money. It was like we were making $5,000 a weekend. We were doing probably five shows. So maybe it was like $1,000. And I flew home. I missed a Sunday show. And they docked me $1,000. And I remember being so fucking mad. When you did clubs. When I did clubs. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, wait, I didn't bail on you. My daughter got hurt. And they were like, yeah, but you didn't do the show. So we get to keep the money. And I fucking was livid. You're not going to tell me what club it is. It wasn't the club. It was the fucking, it was Jameson.

It was Jameson Irish Whiskey. And it fucking sent me through the roof, and I still have a grudge about that. And so when we did fully loaded first year, we did Mississippi, and it got rained out brand in Mississippi. And they said, you know, well, we'll see if we can get everyone back. I said, well, we got to pay everyone first. And they were like, hold on, we can't afford to pay them. It'll really fuck our budget up. And I was like, yeah, but we can't stiff them.

And so we reached out to everyone. I think I, you'd have to ask the individual comics, but I think we gave them half the money and then bought them a gift bag to send them and then said, Hey, we hope that you'll come back. We'll honor the, the hope we'll come back and do it. And we'll honor the rest of the money. But if you can't, we'll just pay you the money. And so people that didn't, we paid them money and then everyone came back.

But I remember getting fucked by that, and that bothered me so much. So thank you very much at first. No, really. Nice. I love you, dude. Here's the deal. I love you more than you love me. That's fucking insane that you would say something like that. All right, try to talk shit about me on my podcast, and try to talk shit about you on my podcast, and watch what I do, okay?

Okay, what do you mean? I don't know what the group... You'd be someone that doesn't like Bobby Lee. Like, when you lay in your bed and you think the things about yourself that you think people are saying, say those right now. I'll be interviewing you. You're someone that hates Bobby Lee. Oh, so I'm a guy. Let me create a character then. Okay. What? I'm Richard...

Who's someone that dislikes you? I don't see. That's the thing. I want to create a character because there's a couple of people, but I want to put sort of a name in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of people that hate me. Yeah. My name is Mando. I'm Christ. No. Mandu Calrón. Yes. Mandu Calrón. I'm Mandu Calrón. Okay. What's up, dude?

Yo, do I man do Cal Roon dog I'm from fucking the inner Suburbs of everything man So have you ever worked with Bobby Lee? Yo, dude that that little motherfucker was a piece of shit, though He's a good friend of mine. Yeah. Well, how could you be a friend with a guy that like shows his pubes everybody? Oh, cuz I'm the same guy We're like brothers. I love that guy to death. Why what were you gonna say about him? Oh

That's how it works. Wow. That's what you do? Yeah, but that doesn't get views on a podcast. Right. This is how you get views on a podcast. Go ahead. Be Mandel Caron. What's up, Mandel Caron here, dog, from the inner suburbs of fucking East Washington. Dude, I loved your set on Def Jam. Thanks, dog. What's up, Mando? Do you know Bobby Lee?

Yeah, dude, that guy, man. Fuck, bro. What a fucking creature of delight, man. He's a piece of shit, man. Tell me what he did. What? He showed him a pube and stuff, man. That's what you really do. Are you saying that if they're saying things about you that I should be more defensive of you? No, no, no. No, be honest. No. Because I will be more mindful about that. No, I don't. No. It's also who cares. I don't.

But at the end of the day, it doesn't fucking matter. It definitely doesn't matter to me. I try to think about like, I try to think about, I try to think of my brain as like a condo. And so I have like, say I have 18 vacancies in my head. And then I go, who am I going to give rooms to? Right. You give a room. A rich man's condo. Yeah. Is that 18? Is it a lot? Yeah. I don't know.

Never lived in a fucking condo. I actually lived in an apartment building. It's an apartment building. I lived in an apartment building. Yeah, I said the wrong word. I never lived in a condo. So, okay. Don't mind him. Shut the fuck up, man. So then you go, where are you going to, who do you allow rooms in your condo for? Oh, I see. Like, who do you allow, like, because there was a time when I was younger that- I have strangers in my condo. Oh.

People I don't know are in my condo. Really? Like 50 of them. Yeah, yeah. Come on in. Sleep over. Do whatever you want. You know what I mean? And they just run around, fucking shit on everything. Yeah. Who do you think allows more strangers in their condo? Santino or Tom? Oh, shit.

It's Santino. You really? Yeah, because I know Tom a little bit. Tom doesn't, at least when I do shows with him on the road, he's very like just calm, but maybe he's doing an act. No, it's, I really. He's very calm. I don't think he, he has a weird thing where he does, he genuinely does not

Care about things. Yeah, I think it's also losing his dad for him was a new thing of like and then Christina going through what she went through my God I think he was just like okay. I'm done giving a fuck I think he was like I got a condo and I'm gonna give 16 rooms to what's going on in my life with my kids my wife and my and whatever but I think so yeah, I think Santina I can't sent him to strike me as someone who's there's people that live there really yeah, and they're strangers, okay Who do you think has more people in their condos Shane Gillis or Joe Rogan? Oh shit. Oh

Shane Gillis. Yeah. You think so? Yeah. I think Shane Gillis. I think, yeah. He still reads comments. Yeah. But he also tells the people in the condo, I'll get you back. He serves eviction notices. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I know some people that have condos in his head. I know a guy who actually hasn't paid his rent in a long time. But a long time ago, he moved in. And Shane's waiting for the right time to light his condo on fire. Really? I know who it is. Oh, you're there? Yeah.

Who is it? I can't tell. Okay. Can I tell you, I have a Shane Gillis problem here. What? Oh, he didn't like you. No, no, no, no, no. He loves me. But can I, can I tell you, I'm going to, let me go to his text here. Yeah. All right. So there's a Shane Gillis problem. I love him. Yeah. You know what I mean? And he's a great guy. So I have this thing now where I,

I just refuse to do, because I just did a movie in Montana. I play a regular guy. Like a white dude? Yeah, I'm just like a white guy. There's no racial references. For real? Yeah, never. You're not Asian at all in this? Dude, in all the roles I've had in the last five years, Reservation Dog, Sex and the City, all these Magnum P.I., there's no real Asian references. I don't have an accent. It's not an issue. You were in New York.

What was the new movie that just came out? Badlands. Borderlands. Borderlands. You were just a regular dude. A regular dude. Okay. So all the things I do is a regular dude, right? And I kind of refuse to kind of do Asian ones, right? Yeah. So then he goes- Oh, I saw you in- You know what movie I just saw? What? The fucking movie you just did about fucking getting sober. It's a variety. Sweet Dreams. Sweet Dreams. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

all right keep going anyway okay you were great in that oh thank you so much i think you played gay and not asian yeah i was a little gay yeah okay all right so this is what he writes he goes we wrote a role for you in tires which is great i that's i would love to do that show right yeah then he goes if you're interested please be interested and i go i'll do it then he goes yes then i go just i always say this no accent please

- And he's like, too-- - He goes, "Dude, I swear it's all accent. "No English at all." Right, then I go, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha," right? Then he goes-- - That's one of the lines. - Yeah, he goes, "I'm not joking. "I'll explain that, but I'm not joking." I go, "Can you send me the script?" You know what I mean? So what do I do?

If I have this moral thing of like – because I desperately – I love those guys. O'Connell and all those guys. I would love to do it, but it's like – do I do the – do I show up and go, okay, guy, I do it. You know what I mean? You can also love those guys and just love their show and just be like, I love those guys. I love their show. I don't need to be in it. Yeah, yeah. But here's the problem is you do get – like people do –

It's not a shitty thing, but they just go, I'm looking for like a fat drunk who, oh, let's get Burt. And then you go, yeah, but I don't, I'm like a fat drunk. And they go, yeah, but that's okay. And then you just sit in there going, well, I guess that is what I put out. Yeah. And then I put out a thick Asian accent. No, no, but no, but I mean, I really do. No, be real. Do I do? In this show? Do I do? On this show? I mean, come on. You just said, do I do? Same thing but different? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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I know, because I talk so fast. No, but here's the thing. They trust you. They trust you. They trust me. So if they're going to do a role like that, they want to go to someone who they know is funny and they know also can tell them that's not cool. Like, you know, they wrote it. It's a bunch of dudes from Philly that wrote something fucking wildly funny. Yeah. And they want to trust. They trust only funny people to do it.

So they're going to you because you're a friend. I know, but... I guarantee you that whatever they wrote is funny as fuck. I bet it is, yeah. And it overwhelms the whatever Asian accent thing you're thinking. I'm probably going to do it. I guarantee you it's... I would do it. I would do it. I'll put the buck teeth in. I don't care. I'll fucking do it. But you can also just love those guys and root for them and go, I can't wait to watch this. Well, I want to read it first. Let me read it first. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, okay. I can't wait to see nine Philly guys write an Asian character's accent. I want to see it.

I know. That's the challenge. No, that's the viral moment is you do the show and the day it airs, you post the script where it's like, whatever the... Yeah, yeah. I should. And since I talked about this, then I talked about it here. We're not going to edit this out, right? No, don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me ask you another thing that I'm going through right now. Okay. And it's something I hate about myself. And I can't talk to Andrew about it because he doesn't really want to listen to me. Okay. But I have a thing where... So...

I was in Winnipeg with your friend Tom. Yeah. We were doing a show backstage. I don't know if we talked about this, but have we talked about this? There was a guy backstage. He's a club owner in Winnipeg. I know the club. You do? Yeah. Nice guy. Seems like a very nice guy. That's the club that Tom bombed in horribly, correct? I don't know. Yeah, keep going. So anyway, Tom goes, hey, this is a guy, you know, he's owned the club for years. Yeah. And immediately I go...

How come you never booked me? Why would you say that? What? That's why, that's the thing. Yeah. You can't say that. Why? Because it doesn't matter. It does matter. Why? I'll tell you why. Okay. Keep going. There's all these clubs in America that I remember calling my agent because I had, even before podcasting, I did pretty good numbers, right? So I go, good numbers. What? You've always done good numbers. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I do way better now, but you know, but, but, um,

and they would go, "They just don't want you." It would make me mad because it's like, I wanna play it. I wanna go to that city and play it. And then I look at their lineups, I go, "I have more credits," whatever. I would build a resentment. So then now that I see these club owners now, I'm kind of like weird. And I don't wanna be like that, but it's like, am I the one that's in the wrong? - Yeah, you are.

I'll tell you why. Why? Tell me why. Teach me. What happens when you get famous or when you get success in comedy is you, all those little fucking thorns in your side that wouldn't work with you and didn't want to fuck with you and didn't want to talk to you and maybe sometimes didn't even know you, didn't even know you existed. When you first get famous in comedy, or not famous but get some success, there's an impulse. I've seen so many people do it to light those people up and let them know

now you couldn't get me or something like that. Right. It's ugly. What you should say to that guy, I'll give you a perfect example of someone I love to death that I wanted to say that to. Okay? Who? I wanted to work comedy works so bad.

Denver. Denver so badly. I wanted to, I can name a hundred of these clubs because I didn't have your career. I had like a bullshit career. Like I had one where like, no, I'd worked on Travel Channel. No one ever thought I'd ever make money. No one ever thought I was ever going to become successful or get a special on Netflix. So like there were a bunch of clubs that just, the cool clubs would never work me, would never fucking work me.

That's interesting. And so I wanted to work Comedy Works so bad, but I always worked at Denver Improv, which is predominantly a black room. One of the worst rooms. And it's one of the worst rooms in the world. I know. And so I fucking, I languished in the Denver Improv doing, never selling a ticket. And I wanted to work Comedy Works so bad. And then I met Wendy and there was a part of me that wanted to say, why didn't you ever work me? And then Wendy just was like, you're fucking hilarious. Where have you been? And I was like-

Oh my God, I didn't say anything. Yeah. And then she's, anytime I ever stopped by Denver, it was all in your head. Dude, I remember. It's not in your head. He didn't tune book you. No, how about this? I'll give you a better one. I'll give you a better one. Okay. Anne Harris and Joanne Grigioni. Love them. Okay.

They were the, I would say the king makers at Comedy Central. They gave you half hours. They gave you hours. And I remember going like, I remember sending like audition tapes to them and I didn't get a reply, no feedback, nothing. And then I was like, fuck.

man, I got so in my head that I was like, thank God I never ran into them drunk and said something because I would have said my emotions and I would have said all my feelings and then one day, one day I get a phone call from both of them and they're like, you're fucking so goddamn funny. Where have you been this whole time? And then I was like, thank God I never said anything. I understand. But it's a natural instinct. I watched a guy, I watched a guy light up

a fucking club owner who all he said was hey congrats on all the success and he's like yeah I bet you wish you would fucking book me now and then I was like why are you doing this he just said congratulations I would never do that yeah but but here's the deal he's at an arena and he's watching you perform murder murder with Tom Segura yeah he knows how big your podcast is yeah yeah what are you guys doing please say you were too Asian we got a call from who from Andrew okay Santino what's up happy Labor Day

I'm having a glass of vodka with your best friend. We're breaking each other down No, it's good it's very healthy, it's awesome I'm right here. I can hear you about how Sarah all this going. Oh

I'm, I'm, and honestly, between you and me, Bert, because I know it's just a private conversation that I'm ready to get rid of this guy. I want to come be a part of the Poros. Okay. Bert, Bert, can you tell him to tell him we got a signing? Hey, we got a signing. Hey, you coming out for a skanks fest in Vegas?

I'm doing I'm doing the resorts world theater September 27th 28th. It's the same weekend as gangstas Yeah, but if you're I was gonna say I'll see if Bobby wants to come out where resorts world. Where's that 27 28th? It's in Vegas. I wouldn't do it. All right, you're in. All right, I'm gonna have Bobby come Why can't you stand up? Yeah, I want to go

I love you to death brother. All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye. Well, you see I told him He keeps calling me noodle. I don't like it noodles not bad. He goes. Hey, how's my favorite noodle? I just don't like it. What's so funny? Sweet. What were we talking about? Why don't I'll tell you why you said it Yeah, he goes and I get I got it He goes I just heard there's there's some wild aspects of your show that just wouldn't fit into and I go You know what? I think you're right

And I only bring this up, listen, I'm only like this with certain clubs and you're right, I want to change. And obviously in show business, of course, they're like directors, like wherever you've been. I've been in town for 30 years and I get, I'm on their radar now, right? So that's why they say it and I understand it and I'm blessed. But it's like, the only reason why I brought it up is because it is an ugly side of myself.

that makes me feel uncomfortable and makes me go, wow, I wish I could just not be like that. - Do you know who doesn't say it? - Who? - Santino and Tom. Do you know who says it? - What? - Me and you. - Yeah, yeah. We're better people. Are we better? Let's be honest. - I would rather be me than Tom. - I'd rather be me than Andrew. - Yeah. - I think that's the truth. - Can you imagine being Andrew? Can you imagine being Tom? Can you imagine being Tom where everything's gotta be like this, like this? - Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah, hey this vodka is great mm-hmm yeah This is a really cool car. We're yeah, yeah shipped it over from Germany like a week ago Yeah, he's just dead inside. Yeah, I'd rather be imagine being like this. Oh, it's 8:00 in the morning. I'm on a golf course And then at 2:00 at 15 meetings and a 3:00. I gotta go over the fucking Okay, what do you want? What would you want? What here's what I know what both?

what both of us wish we could do more like our friends. Although you wanted to switch it up. Like, what would you take from them? It wouldn't be Tom's body. I have such a better body than him. It's ridiculous. Way better. Way fucking better. I mean, it's not even fucking close. Bigger dick, for sure. No, exact same dick. No, that's not true. I'll tell you why. I've seen it. We've seen both each other's dicks together. We were almost docking each other. Oh, really? Okay, I've seen yours, though. Yeah.

Bueno bueno. Yeah, very good. Thank you. Thank you. So um, let me give you um, he's better at Communicating with people in terms of like family Wow Andrew oh my god, he loves being around fans. Yeah, yeah, that's um, that's um, he's better communicating with people I'm not gonna communicate Yeah, if I get a text I go I just don't reply I

that's actually that's actually the one close blowout fight tom and i ever had yeah was so simple to solve yeah but we sat down and he's like we need to have like a legit conversation he's like we run a business together we're opening another business okay okay keep going conversation and he said you need to reply to my texts i tried out and it's so funny here that you say this yeah i'll show you something right here

So then, but I hate it when people don't text me back. Oh, yeah. And I'm all like, so I'm going to give you one right here. I stopped texting people because I don't want to wait for their text back. So I see Jordan Peele. Oh, fuck that. I couldn't text Jordan Peele. So he's on, I saw this photo online and I thought he looked so cool here. So I go, like an idiot, I go, you look dope. Nothing. That was a week ago.

Okay. And it hurts me. Let's see who's got an unread text from me. Really? How do you do that? I can just go into anyone famous. Anyone famous doesn't reply to me all the time. Okay, okay. I can find an easy one. I'll tell you who just replied to me that I did not expect to reply. I just said don't expect to reply. It was Snoop. Okay, I got a reply from a famous guy the other day. Who? I got six blue hearts. Is that good? Jack Black.

I go, happy birthday, and he gave me six blue hearts. Oh, because you guys just did a movie together. And also he did Bad Friends. Oh, he did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But nothing from Jordan. Was that not cool? At least love it, you know? No? So the only ones that bother me are guys that I feel like, that I go, did I do something? You know? Yeah.

Okay. I think there's two things going on here. If you're super busy, I get it. My fear is they don't text me back because I'm not cool enough. And I think that there are people that are like that.

Is that what you do to us, for example? I text you back. I would never text you guys back. I have a list. If you look at my list from my employees, I'm not saying you guys are employees, but if you look at all the texts they sent me, I would never reply to them. I'm not going to spend my time replying to them. You can talk to me when I see you. I don't reply to emails. I don't look at emails. What's the matter?

Have I not been better about communicating with you guys? Have I not? Have I not tried? Okay. The what the fucks up with this jokes. Okay. Okay. I'm trying. I feel like I am. I feel like, you know what? I want to be more. Right. Yeah. And then every time I try to do more, you push me down and you say it's not good enough. And that's what my dad used to do. I'm tired of it. I see. God.

Okay, can I jump in? Yeah, you can do whatever you want. I'm on your team. Yeah, I know you are. It's not normal for us to be disconnected. To your employees? Yeah, it's not normal for anyone to get access to me 100% of the time. Like, it's so fucking wild. I'm so glad you're here. Yeah, let's lay it down on the line, dude! We should not be able to get in touch with each other. All the time! I can't, okay, I can't tell you, hey man, uh,

I'm going through some shit with my daughter. We're getting ready to go to college and then post a picture of me eating edibles at the beach. Then you watch it and then go, Hey man, you're at the beach. What the fuck? Why'd you lie to me and say you're at your house packing up your daughter? And then I go, you're not supposed to be able to call me on my shit that easy. You're not, you're not, you're not.

I got caught. Yeah, you did. I got caught in a lie. I told someone, I was like, I'm packing up with my daughter. I can't do that today. And I was at the beach eating edibles, and I just didn't want to do it. Right. And I was like, I should be able to lie to you, like old school, like in the 40s. In the 40s, yeah. And no one calls me on it. It was easier in the 40s. It's not like I lied to you and I fucking killed somebody. Yeah. I just don't want to be around you. I'm trying to be nice. Imagine being in the 40s, okay? Oh, my God. You and our comics. Oh, my God. Okay? Okay.

What do you mean? Oh, where are you performing? Right? Not on my stage. Yeah. I don't know. Not on my stage. Chinatown. Okay. San Francisco had a Chinatown. Keep going. Okay. Just hypothetically. Okay, we're both in the 40s. Yeah, what I'm saying is- Natural world where Asians and whites live together. It's me, you. I'm Joey Chestnut. You're Kobayashi. Keep going.

Okay. I watched that. They did a Netflix to the hot dog eating live content today. And I just thought that's fucking odd. Why? I don't know. I fall out of World War II. I just thought, do you ever think our grandparents would be like, so this is how it ends up? Yeah. Between the two. Just two fucking, two of our people just eating hot dogs against each other. Wait, we're that close? It's incredible how

our world has changed in that way. - Holy shit. - It's so much more inclusive. - Yeah. - It's so much, it's like, honestly, I was in Montana and I think 20 years ago, if I was in Montana, I was there for a month, I would have been like, oh, I can't go anywhere or I could get hurt. - Yeah. - I wouldn't say 20 years ago, but I'd say 25 years ago. - Maybe 40, whatever, right? But you know, I'm in Montana and it's like, not only is there no racism,

it's pretty inclusive. I mean, people are like hugging me and like, I mean, Hey man, can I get a photo? I mean, maybe that has something to do with fame. Probably a little bit. You know what I mean? But I don't think, I think here's the weird part is like, well, maybe, I don't know. Maybe you're walking around Montana as a Korean dude. People are like, who is he? Why is he in this neighborhood? Oh shit. It's Bobby Lee.

No, because I went to... Okay, I'm going to tell you something that happened to me. Okay. So I was in Montana, Butte. And, you know, I had a couple of days off. So I need to go to a AA meeting.

Really? Yeah, so I went down to those still every day. Now I go to maybe once a week and I went to a church way deep into the suburbs. Oh, fuck. That's the AA meeting I want to go to. And I was sitting and there were people in there with like some people with oxygen tanks. That's how old they were. Yeah. All white. Old school drink. All white. Fuck. Like old school white. Like as soon as I walked in, obviously everyone's 80 years old and super white.

and a little asian guy comes in there and they you know i turned heads but as soon as i sat down they're like would you like some coffee and then you know they put me some coffee and then they go um you know is there anybody from out of town i got bobby from la and then they you know i shared and then afterwards what do you say like you don't have to tell me exactly what you say but like i'll tell you my share what do you share like do you go like hey um well you know this is so gross this is so gross of what i'm about to say right now dude but what

I say little things to let them know that I've been in the program. Oh, I thought you were going to say you say little things to let them know you're famous. No, I don't care about that. But it's more like, yeah, you know, when Dr. Bob and Bill back in Akron, Ohio, you know what I mean? I try to like throw that stuff, you know what I mean? That's wild. Yeah, I said Dr. Silkworth, you know, when he talked about the psychic change and the doctor's opinion in the big book, like I want to throw them some knowledge that I'm like, I'm sober, right?

You know what I mean? Just like you guys, right? And I say something maybe a little something personal. Why? What's so funny? I did something gross the other night. All right. Let me finish this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So but then the second time I went there, you know, there's only one Uber in Butte. So I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to get home because it'll come later at night. So this couple, nice couple goes, hey, buddy, we're big fans. You want to ride home?

I go, yeah. And so I get in the car, really nice couple. And they start going the opposite way of where my hotel is. I swear to God. And I go, I go, where are we going? And they go, well, you're going to our house. I don't know. And I go, you're my kids. You're going to be my kids. So now I'm in the boonies, inside a living room. These two gigantic dogs are just

attacking me. These three kids come out of the room. They're like wiping sleeves. They have school the next day. And they, oh my God, nice to meet you. Our dad took us to Missoula. This is what he said. Our dad took us to Missoula and they gave us a $300, you know what I mean? So we just said $300 on new school clothes. I go, okay, cool. I gotta get the fuck out of here. You know what I mean? It was so weird.

I mean, what would you have done? Oh, I would have done the exact thing. Me and you are the people that... We're the good ones. Yeah. We're the good ones. Imagine... Bill Burr. Oh, that wouldn't happen. Yeah, that wouldn't happen. That would not. Get the fuck... Yeah, I'm gonna get the fuck out of here. No, there's... Guys like him and Tom take care of themselves first.

I was taking care of myself. No, no, no. They would have been like, someone said, can we give a ride home? And immediately they said, no, I've got a car coming. I've got a car. I've got an Uber. They're in charge of their shit. Guys like me and you go to a meeting or go to a party and don't think of how we're getting home. Anyway, so tell me about, you made a fool out of yourself. Oh, I'm not doing it now. No, you have to. You have to. You have to. And we'll cut it out if it's bad. Okay.

I'll tell you where I made... I'll tell you... You tell me, I'll tell you an even more embarrassing one. What you're talking about is ego. It's your ego. You want people to know you've been in the program. Yeah, yeah. And so for me, my ego is that I've just... Like... Like...

Don't know I think I was I was think I was broke for so long then all those stuff I was telling you about what young comics do when they get first get famous and I was guilty of some of those things Not not all the time by definitely guilty of them the other day. We're at night of destruction It's a demolition Derby in Irwindale. I'm with my wife and my daughter and like all her friends and

And people are taking pictures with me. They're coming up and taking pictures with me. And one of the dudes is like, who the fuck is he?

And I heard him, so I said, "I'm a comedian." And then he goes to my wife, he does this, he goes, "Whoa." Like, it must be making his head big. And it was like a weird fucking thing, but it struck me wrong, right? And then he said, "So where do you do stand-up?" And I said, "Just anywhere, really." And then he goes, "You do the improv?"

And this is what's crazy, and Isla called me on it. I said, yeah, I used to. Yeah, yeah. I still do, though. I mean, like, if I –

You still do? I lied. I've seen you there. Yeah, I do it. I've seen you there. Yeah, I know. And I said, I used to. And he goes, oh, have you ever done it in a while? And I said, well, I'm... And then I start getting this dialogue, this inner dialogue with me to this guy. And I go, you know, I'm off tour right now. I'm taking nine months off. And I've been on tour for the past seven years. And I just got done this arena tour. My daughter, Isla, is like, what are you doing to a person that does not give up?

What the fuck about that? What are you doing, Berg? What are you doing? What are you doing? I don't know. And I just... And I was like... Because he did the thing though. Whoa. Like, he must have a big head. And I was like, bitch, I'm watching you. Like, I'm right here. What do you mean? Yeah. He's like, everyone's taking pictures of you. And he looks at my wife. Whoa. And I was like... Oh. I was like, what the fuck? And then I just...

vomited my ego onto his shoes. - Yeah, would you too? - And he was like, he didn't even notice. He was like, "Cool, so when do you do the improv next?" - Wow, wow, wow, wow. - I fucking hate myself. - I know, but you know what? I get it. The worst is when they go,

Oh, you do comedy? I go, yeah. Yeah, LA? I go, yeah. You know my friend Rocky Ramone? You know what I mean? Yeah, he does comedy out there. You guys probably do shows together. I go, yeah, no, no, no, no, Rocky Ramone. You have to pretend. Here's the worst one. When people go, so if you get recognized and then other people go, who are you?

Yeah, I am! And I'm like, I'm nobody. I'm just, I'm a comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why are people taking pictures with you? Yeah. And then I cut to the fucking chase. Yeah. And I go, I'm famous. And they're like, I don't know you. And I'm like, I know that. That's why we're having this conversation. I had a girl at a Grateful Dead concert come up to me. Yeah. And go, hey, what's up? I said, how you doing? And she goes, I know you. And I said, I...

No, I don't think so. She goes, no, no, we went to high school together. And I went, no, I went to an all boys Catholic high school in Tampa. I know we didn't go to high school together. She's like, no, bullshit. We're not from Tampa. I know you. You're fucking with me. And I went, no, I'm famous. And she went, no, you're not. And I was like, and she goes, why would you say you're famous? I go, I'm so famous. You think we went to high school together. Yeah.

I don't know what the fuck to tell you. And then her friend goes, who the fuck do you think you are? And I go, my name's Bert Kreiser. I'm a comedian. She knows who I am. She just can't place it right now. And I guarantee you in a couple minutes, you're going to know who I am because she knows who I am. And they go, fuck you. And they turn around. And then the girl in like fucking two minutes goes, you're the machine. And I went, yeah. I go, what?

But I had to go through all this ego death to get to here. Why couldn't you at the very beginning be sweet and go, hey, I know you. And I go, no, you don't. And you go, okay, maybe I don't. And turn around. I'll tell you, I had a famous person do that to me one time. Because that's the thing with famous people is you think you know them. I did it to Reese Witherspoon. I thought I knew her.

I was like, we grew up together. She was like, did you know? But that's how that's what happens when you especially like someone like Reese Witherspoon is so beautiful. Yeah. You just are drawn to her. I mean, what can I say? Let me throw that. What would you say? Reese Witherspoon. She's okay.

To me, it's just not my thing. No. What, white? No, I love white. She's perfect. She is the ideal white. If Hitler was going to make a person, it would be her. Okay. I mean, okay. That's it. Hitler would have been like, that's the fucking one. We just had different sensibilities, Hitler and I. All right, keep going. You were saying? I don't even know. Okay. It's so embarrassing. I don't want to say it. Say it.

That's all we do. - I was at an event with this girl, sitting there at this event, and she was like, "What do you do?" I go, "Comedy." She goes, "Yeah, well, what kind of?" I was saying, "Yeah, I'm killing it." - "I'm killing it." - I said.

I'm doing really good. Every club I go to, I sell. Club, I said. I said club. I said every club I go, I sell out, right? And she goes, oh, that's cool. I go, yeah, yeah, it's like cool. I get like a versus deal, I say. Oh, Bobby. Oh, Bobby. Oh, Bobby. I get a versus deal. Oh, Bobby. Yeah, and she goes, what's that? Oh, shit. The club takes 40. I keep 60. I don't know. So whatever the fucking thing is. This is the worst one I've heard. And I talked about it for about half an hour about myself.

And I go, what do you do? She goes, oh, I'm not related. My dad's a comic. I go, who's your dad? She goes, Ray Romano. That's the best one. I completely made that story up. Oh, are you serious? Yeah. I was like, I was in my head. I didn't know what else because I didn't have a story.

Pretty good, though? That's good. That was really good. You should make up more stories. I do. That's a pretty good makeup story, right? That's a really good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I give you a redemption one? Give me a redemption one. I haven't told anyone about this. Yeah. This is a big one. I would love this one. I'm going to love it. This is intense, okay? Okay. Hold on. Let me put a dip in. Okay. I quit tobacco. I know you did. I didn't know that. Sorry, I lied.

So go ahead 20 probably 23 years ago. I had a TV show where I interviewed Gene Simmons and

From Kiss, the lead singer. I was the biggest fucking Kiss fan in the world. As a child, Kiss was the... I dressed up as Gene Simmons. I did my talent show as Gene Simmons. I could sing every fucking... Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud. I knew everything, right? So I go to... I do... Did you swallow it?

I need water. What a great interviewer he is. I mean, this is like top-notch Oprah shit. Have you ever been watching real time with Bill Maher when someone's about to... Did you swallow it? It should be noted that I preface this with, I haven't told this story to anybody. I'm so sorry. Oh my God. It went down the tube. Okay, go ahead. Shout it, shout it out loud. Let's go. I'm so sorry. I love you. Please continue. No. Please continue. No.

So, so, so I do a show where I interview Gene Simmons and he was less than nice to me. Like, I mean, he was almost horrific, right?

And so I fucking walk away. It was called The X Show. It was the late night talk show. I walk away. Heartbreaking. I go, it's heartbreaking. It's destructive because you go, now I can't listen to their music. I have to fucking write off my childhood as a mistake. It really sucks. So cut to this Netflix is a joke festival. I'm at maybe the Tom Brady roast, I think. And...

Nick Simmons Gene Simmons son comes up to me and I know Nick is friends with Tommy and he goes his podcast and Nick's really a cool kid he comes up he's like dude you're fucking hilarious I was like thanks I know who he is I was like I love getting on podcast I think Nick's cool as shit and he was like he was like I'd love to introduce you to my dad and I said I'm good and he went what I said I'm good I would not like to meet your dad and he goes excuse me and he goes uh he goes

My dad's a fan and I was like buddy I had a bad experience with your dad and i'd rather not meet him and I said I'm sorry that i'm doing this I don't want to be around your dad and he goes well my mom's with him. Hold on So he brings his mom over. I think this was actually at my show. It sounds crazy I think this was at my show at the forum. Well, you get the fucking story straight So is it at the way because my parents were there my parents were there what this new show had to be my show so

So his wife comes over and she comes over and she's almost giggling. She's with Nick and she goes, I heard my husband was a dick. And I said, he was, she goes, yeah, he's a dick.

Let's bring him over you tell him exactly what happened and I went no no no no I actually do not want to be involved in this point now. I'm so nervous Okay, also he was a hero of mine Okay, and it is gene fucking Simmons, and you don't want to double down on the hate I know and I don't want to have this moment I'd rather just never talk to him exactly okay. I was like I was like I'm cool I've already hated him for fucking 25 years okay Gene Simmons walks over with his son and his wife and he sits over and he goes um

I hear that I was rude to you. And I said, yes. And he goes, please tell the story. And I went, okay. And so in front of his wife and his son and him, I tell the story verbatim as if I was telling it to you and shitting on him on a podcast.

And he looks at me and he goes, I apologize for my behavior. I hope you'll forgive me. I think you're absolutely hilarious. And I went, you're 100% forgiven. I said, you're the fucking best, dude. Thank you for this so much. And he goes, let me pay you. And I said, what? And he goes, I'll give you $5. And he gave me $5. He goes, are we good? And I went, yeah. And he goes, let me sign it. And he signed the $5 bill and he gave it to me. And he was like, the coolest fucking guy in the world. He got me in a heartbeat. In a fucking heartbeat. I fucking bent.

I was like fucking shout it out. I looked at his son. I was texting with his son the next day. I was like, I go, thank you for doing that. Thank you for doing that. His son's cool as shit. His son was like, this isn't the first time this has happened. Let's make amends. What if you go, all is forgiven? And he goes,

And spit right in your face. What would you have done? I would have fucking laughed hysterically and been like you got me good I deserve that I would have that yeah Yeah, Gene Simmons is a fucking gangster and I've texted with this on a bunch you can I pitch you an idea? No, okay go We should do a secret podcast that we don't make partners about it'll make them mad and we'll just put it on patreon. Oh

It'll make them mad. We'll just put it on Patreon. And we'll change our names. Yeah. It'll be called Bad Bears. It's called Bad Bears. That's not Bad Bears. Bad Bears is okay. We should do Bad. Yeah, yeah. Or Two Friends. I mean, I've always wanted to do this as a podcast name. And it'll make him mad. But I still want Riffin without Griffin. It'll make Eric mad. But I've always wanted to do that.

We should do a show called, what's the Superman's name? Henry Cavill? Yeah. Henry Cavill and the Ben Affleck show. And we'll just, and me and you do a little secret on the DL. They'll never know about this. They will. No, they'll never know. And Andrew will be so mad. And we do not tell them. He'll probably be mad. And it's just on Patreon. And we charge like 50 cents.

- Okay. - Like, product charge, nothing on Patreon, but we just do it on the DL. - Can we dress differently? - Yeah, and what we can do is we'll just do it over the-- - Like colonial. - We'll just do it over the phone. - No, no, no, we gotta be eye to eye. - I would love to be a person. - Yeah, we gotta be eye to eye. Anyway, thank you for listening. Thank you for being a bad friend.