Should I Be Scared?
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You can make money from your podcast, too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. I was in Washington with Kalilah, and we were at a restaurant, and the lady next to us dies. Shut up. She started choking? No, she just collapsed. Collapsed.

You know what I mean? And Kalilah gets up. And she's now... Because Kalilah's a nurse. So she's doing, like, compressions on the chest. Yeah. And everyone's calling 911. It's chaos. And Kalilah looks up. And I have my iPad with me. And I'm playing Candy Crush. We're bald friends. You ready to start? Have we already started? What are you wearing? Oh, you're doing jokes. You're doing a fucking...

You're doing a fucking... Welcome back to bad friends. You're doing a joke. No, I'm trying to stay protected. It's so dumb what you're doing right now. I have no idea what's going to happen, Bob. But you're saying that I'm Chinese? I didn't say you're Chinese. Then why don't I... Where's my suit? You don't... What if I get sick? From who? From you. Yeah, but you're...

You're closer to the... No, it's fucking racist. It's not racist. Yeah, it's like when that politician was saying it's the China coronavirus. First of all, I'm not Chinese. But it's close, though. It's not close at all because I'm an American. I've never even been there. You've been to Korea.

Yeah, like 10 years ago to do a music video. Who knows if it started 10 years ago and it just latched on to you and held on for a long time. Oh, you fucking idiot. Can we get his suit, please? No, I don't want one. I don't need one. Don't even give me one. Don't even give me one because the thing is that it's a bit. He's doing some sort of SNL bit. This isn't a bit. Are you the Who guy now? I'm just trying to stay safe. Do you like some of the new art that got put up? Look behind you. Beautiful, darling. You're pure gold.

Honestly, dude, you know, you got to stop shopping at Ikea. No, no, no. I said to George. Let's get first. Let's go to Ikea. I said to George. Let's get the meatballs. I said, George, get some great stuff. And he got some great stuff here. Can we show? Give me scissors. Do you have scissors? I can't take this off. Whoa, whoa. No, Bob. I spent so long. He spent so much time putting that up. I was at Target for like an hour and a half yesterday choosing all this stuff. Target? Yeah. Yeah. He picked out some great stuff. We're like one of the top.

300 podcasts in the world you gotta fucking put go to Target see what I mean you do set up all this for one laugh see what happens and now you're embarrassed you're like oh should I take this suit off or not no I'm gonna leave the suit on but I want to show you some of the other cool art look at the roses look at the roses look at that that's a tapestry does that remind you of home there you go thank you Bob Bob oh god look at this look at how cute that is little wreath look at this flower

It's just like we're in that movie fucking Summer Summer. What's that movie with the score movie? Summer Summer. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Last night. Hey, look, it knows. Look, it knows. What does? It knows. It knows what? It knows. Nothing knows nothing. It knows. Here's another thing, dude. What? Last night. What? Get out of here. Yell at him more. Yell at him more. Give me scissors so I can cut this down. See?

See what you did? Right there. Give me those scissors that he's got. I'm going to cut it down because I want you to be honest. Look, I just want to stay safe. Stay, stay. Stay, stay. Last night, I'm at the comedy store. And so I'm bringing up Chris D'Elia on stage. Yeah. And we do a little banter. And so he makes a scene from in front of the audience because we're friends. So he makes a little banter about a phone call we had or whatever. Yeah.

And then afterwards, there's these two frat jockey dudes that walk up to me after the show. Hey, what's up, bro? We fucking love you, Bob. No, they don't do that. They go, you know Chris D'Elia? Because you did a banter with them. I go, bitchy bitchies, he knows me as well. Little bitchy bitchies. You didn't like it that they didn't know who you were? Is that what it was? And they go, can we meet him?

As if I'm sort of like now his agent or his publicist or something. Well, could you make it happen? I did. Okay. I did a meet and greet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Bob Saget, every time I see Bob Saget now for the last 15 years, he doesn't say, hey, Bobby. He doesn't say, you know, hey, how's life? This is what he says. He always says, what is his opening line? He says, um...

I almost didn't recognize you with clothes on. Uh, well. Bitchy bitch Bob Saget. Papa not a nudist. Bitchy bitch. Hey, bitchy bitch. Papa wears clothes all the time. Twice I got naked on something that he saw me on. You're an exhibitionist for sure. You do get naked a lot. Not as an older man, bitchy bitch.

Don't get mad. I'm not Bob Saget. Oh, that's right. Sorry, my bad. Don't get mad at me. Here, I'll be Bob Saget. Ready? Yeah. Hey, Bob. One time I fucked Michelle on set. He does that on stage. I know. He talks about fucking the kids from Full House on stage. I know. It's funny, though. It's not. It's gross? Yeah, it's disgusting. Those were kids. It's creepy. Stop. He did the show with kids. It's creepy. Stop. I don't like it at all. I don't like it? I don't like it. He literally goes like, one time Michelle was licking my butt. Yeah.

I don't know who the Michelle is. Is that a good one? That's a little girl. It's a little tiny baby. Oh, that was his wife in the show. Oh, Michelle's the little one? He didn't have a wife. He was gay on the show. Oh, he was? Wasn't he gay on the show? Michelle's the little one? Michelle's the baby. Oh, fuck. You don't do that to the baby. Dude, he used to make jokes about it. I saw him do it at the factory a long time ago. I don't know if he still does that stuff. He was gay on that show, though, wasn't he?

Was he gay? Is he gay now? Is he gay now? I don't know. I don't think so. No, but I think on the show he was gay. He's quite a nice guy, though. I don't know him. I love him. You don't know him? I don't know him. You know, I love all those older dudes. We don't know each other. I like him. I like Howie Mandel a lot. I don't know him either. You don't? No. He likes, what, I like Louie Andree. Louie Anderson? Yeah. He's a very interesting man. Why are you upset right now? Did you have a bad night last night?

You bitchy. Tell me what happened. Hey, bitchy bitch. Did you have a long night last night? No, I'm going to tell you something right now. What I say to you privately. You don't have to talk about it. Before I come in here. Yeah. Isn't necessarily stuff. And I already told you. I already told you that I didn't even want to talk about nothing. We're not going to talk about it. Okay. But, you know. You were up all night. I was up all night. You got no sleep. That's all you have to say. I had no sleep last night. So you're bummed. I'm sorry. Yeah. Do you think it's depleting your immune system and you might get corona? Yeah.

Hey, man. Huh? Are you going to keep with this coronavirus stuff? It's what's happening. What, five people have it? Five people have it? In L.A., maybe. Thousands of people have it. On planet Earth? You know how many people live on planet Earth? How many? At least 500,000. There's no way it's that high. No, there's millions, billions of people that live on Earth. There's billions of people that live on planet Earth, and it's like...

You know, if I were, like, in Wuhan. Wuhan. Wherever that place is. Wuhan. You know what I mean? Wuhan. You know, the Chinamen on it. You know, the Chinamen that live there. Yeah.

So racist. I'm sorry. The beautiful Chinese people that live there. There's a billion people that live there. If I brought you to a beach, right? So how many people died from it? 3,000 maybe? How many people have died so far? In China. A lot. 3,000. I think upwards of 5,000 or 6,000. Let's suppose that's the case. Okay, go ahead. Let's suppose it. But there's a billion people that live there.

That's like if I said, hey, on this beach, one grain of sand on this beach has the coronavirus. So don't put your foot on it. You would be making sandcastles running around the beach. You wouldn't give a fuck, bro. 125,000 cases.

4,500 deaths. On Earth? Yeah. You know how many people died from... The flu? HIV? How many people died from HIV? I don't know a year. In fact, today? Did you hear what happened? No. The second case ever of HIV got cured in London.

Oh. In the history of HIV, the second guy on earth? Yeah. Cured. Oh, so we can- We can cure the hiv now. Oh, we can free ball it now. We can free ball it. Oh, shit. Right on. Yeah, right on. All the time. Right, right, right. Don't use condoms. Don't use condoms. No, no, no, no. Dude, how crazy is that? The second guy on earth. It's so funny because it's like all these little cure things happen when I- So for instance-

you know, I got in a long-term relationship. So no, that doesn't even matter to me. What, the hiv? Yeah, because I can't free ball up with random women because I'm in a relationship. And it's the same thing. I got sober and then they legalized marijuana. Yeah, you want to come back? No, I can't do any of those anymore. That's a good thing though, right? Look, this is still a climbing number. This is still going to keep going. You know, some of the fans have sent in videos saying that they're fighting corona.

and they want to show you how they're fighting Corona. Can I show you how some of them? This is Tevin Frame. He's fighting Corona his own way. Here's Tevin. Let's see what he has to say. Okay. What's up, bad friends? I heard you guys were looking for a video about how I'm fighting against the coronavirus. So here it is. Right now I'm following a strict regimen of supplements that I take three times a day.

These supplements include elderberry syrup, vitamin C, and locally sourced honey. Now I know what you're thinking. It's good. How did these products help me fight against the coronavirus? A24 movie. Well done. Cute. Cute doggy. Wipe it on the dog. The truth is, I don't know, but I haven't gotten the coronavirus yet. Maybe I have some natural ability to understand it. Tell me what you guys think. What a cute young man. He's a cute guy. What do you think? Do you think he's doing all the right things? It looked like it.

This is from Cara Gray. Sounds like a porn star, but it's not. Look, she looks Russian. She says, I'm fighting coronavirus. She has knives, like 15 knives in her pocket. I sell bootleg DVD of bad boys. Hey, guys. My name is Cara, and I am dealing with the coronavirus. I hang out with all the dogs at my work like beautiful princess ladies.

I love dog looks. So cute. Not a care in the world. Yeah. But also... I like girls that look like that. But also... Look at her skin. Her skin is so white. Is this dog blind? She's Chinese. Does that dog have no eyes? Oh, my God. Look at that fucking dog. Does it have no eyes? Yeah. I don't get it. Look, this... Oh, maybe it was a Chinese... Maybe it's high Chinese or no eyes. This is a Wuhan dog. It's a Wuhan dog. This is a Wuhan dog. Oh!

Oh, boy. Well, Kara, you're done. But woo-hoo dogs, when they're alive, that's a good thing. That is a good thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is Jeremy, what does that say? Lanasa. This guy is in Texas drunk. He sent me this drunk in Texas. Look at what he's doing. Ready? Yeah. Oh, God. Even his wife or girlfriend said, you're disgusting. It cuts it off. But look, he's licking this table, this park bench.

No thanks. No thank you. No thank you. He definitely has it. And this last one is a great song. This was sent in by... Oh my God, it's Eric Griffin. Griffin with Griffin. Griffin with Griffin. This is sent in from Craig Lee Chimane. Look at this. Oh my God.

Oh, shit. How good is that song? Who wrote it? We don't know, but we have a translator. Oh, it's really good. Andres can translate. What is he saying right there, some of that stuff? It's saying, take care, coronavirus is around. Take care, coronavirus is around. Listen to the rest of it. He'll keep translating. Ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What does that say? Corona, corona, corona. Perfecto. What's porrepido? Coronavirus. It's coronavirus in Spanish. Coronavirus. Exactly. So he's just saying corona, corona, corona. Coronavirus. Okay, what's the... Let's hear the rest. Ready? What is he saying? He's saying, I have a headache. My knees hurt. I put my mask on and take my pills. Okay.

Here we go. Okay, turn it off. Turn it off. What was the last part? I don't know. Ah!

Oh, no. Did you cut your nuts, Bob? I did, man, because I used a fucking dry eraser from prison. Wow. Don't do that anymore. Now you can use Manscaped because Manscaped has the Lawn Mower 3.0 and their third generation trimmer. It has advanced skin safe technology, so you ain't going to cut your nuts. Oh, the Manscaped engineering team spent 18 months perfecting the greatest bald hair trimmer ever created and just released the new and improved Lawn Mower 3.0.

You know, I'm not kidding. One time I was in the shower and I was shaving with my old buzzer and I cut the underside of my nuts and I didn't notice that I cut it and I was showering and it looked like a horror movie. I was looking down and there was blood dripping down my leg. Oh my God. I thought I had hemorrhoids. Yeah, I used to just pluck them.

Just pluck hairs out of your nuts? It was so painful. Yeah, I would just pluck them. But now I literally use this fucking Manscaped. Me too. Yeah. Yeah, I actually use one on my face and one on my nuts just because it's soft on your face too. Oh, and let's not forget about the charging stand. Oh, yeah. You have a charging stand? Yeah, it's really nice. Yeah.

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Thank you so much for the translations. No, really. I appreciate it. That was some great fan submittal. Thank you guys for helping. How you guys are fighting coronavirus. I appreciate it very much. Yeah, but I called my... I was going to try to think... Because I have to go to Denver right now. Are you canceling shows?

Well, I called my people. I go, are people canceling? They're not yet, buddy. Dude. So I'm like, oh. Nikki Glaser just texted me this morning, literally on the way here and was like, hey, are you around? I'm in LA. I've canceled Seattle. And I was like, I just, I'm about to sell out Seattle for next month. And I think it's all going to get canceled, all that stuff. Yeah, I think I'm already going to cancel Houston maybe, Ontario. I don't know. No, Ontario's right here. I'll just drive there. That's close. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Houston, you're going to cancel all that stuff? I'm scared of what I'm going to cancel. I'm supposed to go to Connecticut next week. Yeah, but I was calling about that, and they're like, well, no one else is doing it. I mean, we canceled Coachella and all these gigantic festivals. I don't see the difference between they go, but clubs are fine, but it's still people congregating in an area. It's all the same. Are you scared?

Be honest. Be honest. I think that if I get it, I'm the type of guy that's going to die from it. Why? Because I might have weak lungs. Because you smoke? Yes, because I smoke. But you're still healthy. Well, I don't have like any physical. I don't have diabetes. Diabetes? Diabetes. And I don't have. Bobby got diabetes. I don't have any of those things. But I think I'm always on the fence, you know. My doctor was always like.

Yeah, you're on the fence about a lot of things. Really? Yeah. I don't think so. You're not a fucking doctor, Red! Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Give me your wrist. I'm going to read your pulse. Come here. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9, 12, 13. Okay. You're fine. Well, I know it works. No, but I'm saying I did the math. You're fine. You're good. Are you being real? Open your mouth. Let me see. Open your mouth. Open your wide. Open your wide. Make a noise. Go, ah. Perfect. Perfect.

No, look. You have no training. Yes, I do. I took CPR. I was CPR certified because I was a lifeguard and you used to have to go one and two and three and blow. One and two and three and blow. And now they don't want you to touch their mouth. You're supposed to just punch them as hard as you can in the chest until they wake up. Yeah, I'm the type of guy that wouldn't do that.

Like if I'm at a restaurant. If I was, if you, me you would. You would push my chest. You would compress my chest. There's no way. You wouldn't try to save my fucking life? I'd play Candy Crush or something. While I'm dying? Yeah, because this actually happened. I was in, remember I was in Washington. I was in Washington with Kalilah. And we're at a restaurant. And the lady next to us dies. Shut up. She started choking? No, she just died. Collapsed. You know what I mean? And Kalilah gets up.

And she's now, because Kalilah's a nurse. So she's doing like compressions on the chest. Yeah. And everyone's calling 911. It's chaos. And Kalilah looks up and I have my iPad with me and I'm playing Candy Crush. Yeah.

I'll tell you why. I'm not doing it because I'm evil. No, but she's a nurse. No, it's not because it was just so gnarly that I had to just like do something else. Yeah, no, I get it. And I have another thing that I do that I don't really talk about. But if I'm on an elevator and anyone over the age of 60 walks onto the elevator, I'll get your breath. No, I'll get off the elevator.

Period. Anytime. Every time. Why? Because especially if I'm alone in the elevator, because if this person dies, I'll probably just leave. Yeah. You know what I mean? And because I don't want to I don't know how to call and I don't know what who to call. I don't know what papers to sign. I don't know who to interview. I got shit to do. You don't you don't have to do almost any of that. If you died in an elevator and you're just by yourself, you have you can't just leave.

You would just go, somebody died in there, and then they show up, and then the paramedics help them. Okay, so let's get this. Let's play this out. Okay. All right. I'm in an elevator. Yeah. Old man walks in. Old man walks in, and then he goes, hello, young man. I was in the Korean War. Because old people always say something like that. Or they'll say, you know, I love that Chinese restaurant down the street. And I'll be like, okay, cool. Oh, oh, my...

My heart. Dead, right? Elevator open. I call. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Hi, um...

Is this the hospital? I don't know who to call. Is this the hospital? Well, you gotta call 911. Oh, fuck. 911. 911, yes. An old man died. What's the address? I don't know. I'll be right back. And I gotta run outside. I gotta look at the address. It's 55443...

Sir, what street are we on? Tamberland. Tamberland. What? California. California. Oh, fuck California. Tamberland 995543. California, Tamberland. Okay, well then, Anderson will be there as soon as possible.

No. You have to go back in with the man. Go in right now. Oh, fuck. I said run back in. Oh, fuck. I got to do something. I got to put my mouth in his mouth. I blow. It goes up. That fucking chest. His bowel is just lost. Chest, chest, chest.

I leave the elevator. I'm leaving the elevator to go back outside. I'll probably have a cigarette. Not by this time, though. Sir, were you the man that called the police? I am the one. Okay, what happened to the man? Where is he? Come with us right now. Get with me right now. Come on, let's go inside. Is that him right there?

Of course. No, there's another dead guy around the block. Sir, I don't need your attitude. I'm just trying to find out how this man died and when he died. Did you make him shit or poop? Yes, I don't want to die because I don't know what to do. So I just punched his chest. So you caused this man to throw up and have diarrhea inside of this elevator? Well, because I put my mouth on his mouth and I blew it. Turn around, sir. You're under arrest. Turn around. You're under arrest. What the fuck? You're under arrest. That's it. That's what happens. That's why I don't want to be in the elevator with him. That makes perfect sense.

That makes perfect sense. Look at me, Bob. I'm being serious. I'm going to get out of an elevator next time I see an old man. Yeah. 65 is a little young, though. 70 makes... I just want to play it safe. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's like... I hold my breath. That's why I thought you were going to say that. Yeah. I don't like the way people smell. I don't like strong smells in a tight space. Yeah. So when I get in an elevator with people at a hotel, I go... And you hold your breath. Yep. Until I get to my floor. Wow. I just don't like people's smells. I don't like to... And you know when you get in an elevator and you can smell them? Yeah.

Sometimes I do it with a certain ethnic group. I don't want to get into the ethnic group. Yeah, we should. Let's get right into it. I don't want to. Which ones do you not? I don't want to get into it because I don't want to get in trouble. Can I guess? I guess we can play that game. How about this? If I guess it right, you just touch the table once. All right. All right, here we go. Ready? Okay. Black people. I knew it. I knew it. You've got to hear me. Okay. Mexicans. Okay. Anybody from the Middle East? What about whites? Those are the only people you don't? Asians. Asians.

So it's only white people, the only people that you know. I don't know why. Maybe I'm like reverse racism in my mind or something. Well, white smell. I'll never forget the line that. I'm kidding. Honestly, that was just a bit. They know we're joking. That's a bit. They know. And it's like, I don't want people to go crazy. What Sean Wayans had a great line in Don't Be a Menace, I think it was. They were like, I don't know how the scene got to it, but he goes, white people all look alike and they smell like bologna. And I thought that was such a funny. And oh, they all smell like bologna. Yeah. And I was like, do we smell like, do we smell like bologna?

To me, you guys smell like... I remember like... What do I smell like to you? Because I think your visual always affects the way you smell. Just like food. It smells like what you think it's going to taste like. To me, you're so Americana to me. So when I look at you, I smell...

a baseball glove, like the leather of the baseball glove. Love that. Yeah, and then mixed in with apple pie a little bit. My favorite kind of pie. Like coffee, like a Folgers coffee. Love canned coffee. Yeah, yeah. And then I also smelled just a little hint of the noose. Of a noose? Of a noose. From hanging? Yeah, from hanging people. Because I like hanging out. Because I like hanging out. That makes perfect sense. You guys have a history. Who's you guys?

White people? Dude, do you think anybody in my family owns slaves? Honestly? Yeah. You do? Maybe. I'm Irish and Italian. You think any of these people own slaves? I'm not rich from the South. I'm not like a rich white guy from the South.

I think if you go back maybe a little bit, maybe you have one funky uncle that like, you know what I mean, did some funky shit with some funky black people. I don't know. We do have funky Frank the uncle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe he did. Yeah. I mean, I guess if you look back in my history, right, there's probably some weird— You probably owned slaves. Your family probably owned slaves. In Korea? What? Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we enslaved... No, no, first of all, for 60 years, Japan occupied Korea. That's right. We were... You guys had slaves, though. Koreans had slaves. Like who? Taiwanese? No, no, we never did. We never occupied nobody. You never occupied anybody? No, we were oppressed. That's why Koreans are so strong.

Because we were able to survive all this oppression and we are a resilient people. Do Koreans ever have slaves? I want to know. That's insane. Why would you even Google that? Google's not going to even know that. Slavery in Korea. Slavery in Korea existed since antiquity. The practice of slavery in South Korea is illegal, though forms of modern slavery such as human trafficking still exists. North Korea, slavery is practiced by the country's regime. In North Korea, yeah. Well, yeah.

South Korea, a media reports the abuse and exploitation of people with disabilities on rural islands. Oh, man. Salt farms in Sinan County. On rural islands, they use people with disabilities. Yes, so you guys exploited disabled people on rural island salt farms in Sinan County and described as slavery. Hey, no arms. Pick up that salt. Fuck you. You guys handicapped.

Look at this. You guys exploited disabled people in salt farms in Sinan County, and that's in 2015, five years ago. So yeah, you had slaves. You got them still. You take mentally challenged people and you make them work in the salt farms. What else are they going to do? We do it here at McDonald's.

Right? Here at McDonald's, the fry guy. That's not slavery. They pay him. Oh, they do? Yes, they pay those guys. Oh, shit. By the way, do you even know what salt farms are? I've never heard of a salt farm in Sinan County. Oh, it's literally just salt mining. Look at how beautiful that facility is. Oh, yeah. It looks nice to work. They treat everyone so nicely. You know what? There's like a little spa in there. Yeah, this looks nice. This looks like a safe, nice place to work. Yeah.

Yeah, that looks nice. That looks like... Yeah, that's a beautiful salt... For a salt farm? That's the highest... Salt mining? That's the... And Sinan County's been describing... All right, dude. I didn't know that about Korea. Modern slavery. Then I apologize on behalf of my people. All right? Does that feel better? Where's Sinan County, by the way? Oh, it's the south-south part of South Korea. The most southern-south part of South Korea. Yeah. Bob, have you ever sold stuff online? Oh.

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Bad friends. There's no risk. Start your free trial whenever entering your card info. Go to ShipStation.com. Click on that microphone at the Tizop at HomePaid and type in. Bad friends. Make ship happen. I also want to mention about, since we're talking about older white people. Yeah.

I always get, you know, I always get like reformed white, old white people, like really old white people try to talk to me. Yeah. Like maybe like 40 or 50 years ago they were racist. On the road? Like, yeah. So I was at Barnes and Noble, like I was in Idaho or something. Yeah. The last one, I guess. Yeah. And this old lady came up to me and she goes, I was reading a, I wasn't reading a book. I was like reading a magazine. She's like, hello, young man.

And I go, oh, hi. Good morning or afternoon. She's like, oh, what you reading, young man? I go, I just, you know, my video game magazine. You know, because I like watching video game magazines. Yeah. And like whatever the next RPG is coming out or whatever. She goes, oh.

My son served in Vietnam. Very nice. And my older brother served in the Korean War. And we just love the food. And they just bring up all this fucking Asian shit. And I love the Hello Kitties that the Hello Kitties you guys make. They're just cute. They're just cute.

You're plushie dolls. You know what I mean? These are all compliments. And it's like, hey, lady, back up. All right? You don't want her compliments? She loves Hello Kitty? It's not that. It's like, just talk to me normal, brah. What would normal be? That's all she knows. No, she could just say, you know, oh, that's nice. Golden goose shoes you're wearing. She doesn't know shoes. And I'd be like, oh, yeah, they're $850. Thank you. I got them Beverly Hills.

I got them in Beverly Hills. Yeah. She's like, hello, nice little Asian boy. I like the shape of your body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, my brother fought in the war and so did my father. Yeah. And I've got to tell you, they hate you slants, but I love you people. I think that's maybe hidden behind. What she's trying to say is, I'm not racist, but...

She's trying to say like my history is racist, but I'm trying to not be. It's nice. She's trying. She's an idiot, but she's trying.

Yeah, and that's why I don't cut them off. I'm always very kind in those situations because I am a living human being living amongst – in a society, and I'm not a crazy person. Because what are you going to do? You can't teach her. You can't be like – you can't go, hey, lady, that's stupid and racist because she'll go, what? I know. I can't say like, hey, lady. I just – be real. I've had like 20,000 white chicks, just nutted inside them.

Yeah, yeah. So it's like, you know, that's my game. Is that like a thing to tell her? That you're like, I fuck righteous? Deep down inside, I wanted to say that I'm not like a Ching Chong-y, you know what I mean? Asian guy that you're trying to talk to. I'm just like everyone else. Okay. Well, look, I just think she's trying. She's, I mean...

She's trying, right? Don't you think? Don't you give her a little credit? That's why I'm always nice. Because she made the effort, right? I remember also, she went to her car and then she tried to come to me because she saw me sitting on the curb outside this Barnes & Noble. And I could see her turn around, look at me, and do the thinking like, should I? Should I tell him I like Hello Kitty? Should I try to connect with this little chinchon? Yeah. And then she turned around. Hello, Noodle Bowl!

And I remember her taking forever to get to me. Right, because she was in a walker? And then me in my head sitting there, yeah, going, what the fuck? Freaking out? Yeah, holy, what the fuck do I say? Do you find that old people, or people in general, I have a very go-ahead-and-ask-me face. For some reason, dude, anywhere I am, in the country, in the world, people will ask me for directions. Or they'll ask me a question about, do you know where so-and-so is?

They ask me every time. Yeah, I've never gotten that. Why do you think? Why do people ask me? I just look untrustworthy and I look confused. Okay, but if you saw me on the street, do you think you'd ask me where a thing was? Yeah, because you look like a... Uh-oh. No, I'm just saying. I'm being real. I know. You look like a 1940s captain of some sort of ship, like a British ship. Where are you going? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just have your face. It's like...

You have the kind of face like if I was at a hotel, like a really old hotel like The Shining.

And I would look at, and I would, like, you don't have the type of face, like, I'd look at an old photo and go, that's Andrew. And then underneath it says 1929. Right. Right? Like, you could, yeah. I've been around for a long time. It seems immortal. Like, oh, do you think maybe I'm, do you think I've lived and died so many times? Maybe you're like a Highlander Sean Connery vibe. You have that kind of vibe. I love that. Yeah, yeah. How old do you think, how old do you think? What do I look like, though? Do I look?

Like, because I just gave you a couple of compliments. Kind of. Yes, I would like to maybe, you know. You look like, if I saw you on the street and I had no idea who you were, and I saw your cute little smiley face. Give me a smile. There it is. Yeah.

If I saw you on the street doing that, I'd go, that looks like a jolly fun man. A fun guy who also looks a little lost. You always kind of look lost. Because you do this a lot. You walk away and then you turn and then you walk another way. I don't think you ever really know where you're going. I have no idea what's going on. Which is really nice. Yeah. So I would never ask you for directions. Yeah. But I'd also go, I bet you that guy's great on an adventure. Okay. I would never follow you into the woods. Because I think we'd get lost. Yeah.

But nothing else. Well, I think we'd have good sex, but we could do that out of the woods. Oh, no? No, no, no. No. No, no. Yeah, I don't think you would want me in the woods. I don't think that you would want me— Survival-wise? No, you wouldn't want me on a deserted island. Let's say you and I are playing Crash. We're the only survivors. You and I end up on a deserted island. Okay. You wouldn't want—I would be the last person you'd want there. Why? Because I would have to save you? I'd go tribal real quick. Okay.

You'd try to kill me. Yeah, like as soon as we got on the beach, you'd look up. I'd be completely naked with a spear. Trying to kill me. And I'd have like some sort of like makeup on my face. And I'd just be real terrible. You'd speak the language immediately? Yeah, immediately, yeah. Wow. And I'd be already like, you know, like in Return of the Jedi when they took Han Solo and they were in the rotisserie, the Ewoks. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you'd be already in that. Yeah, I mean. So you would kill me. You think you'd kill me?

My whole thing is, I think, see, my scenario is we crash on an island. I have to gather and collect everything because you're laying down. You're finding a way to play Candy Crush on the sand. In the sand. No, I would need to probably rest.

Because I would, honestly, like, honestly, I would be, like, on the beach like this, and I'd be, first, probably sunburned as fuck. See, I would, I would... And then I'd be looking up, and you're, like, chopping things down. I'd be climbing a tree getting coconuts. Right, and I'd just be laying, and I would probably be contemplating my life, like...

Why am I fucking on this island with this piece of shit? See, after two days of no water and you not doing anything to try to get food for us, I would have one of those nightmares in the middle of the night where I grab a coconut and I smash it over your head. Because I think, he's got protein. I can eat him without a doubt. Yeah. You know? I would see you and I'd go, because I'd lose a lot of weight really fast. Because I knew that I would know that about you. So you'd try to kill me first. Yeah, yeah. I'd already have the spear ready to go. Really? Right up front. But the moment I die, are you going to try to eat me?

I'd probably fuck you first. Fuck me and then eat me? Right when the body's warm. Yeah. You know what I mean? Still warm. So you'd fuck me? Because I probably won't have a warm hole for a very long time. I can promise you that when I kill you, I won't eat you. Or I won't fuck you. Yeah. Oh, really? I wouldn't fuck you. Wouldn't it be funny if I fucked you, ate you, and then I walked across to the island as a resort? And I was in Hawaii. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You think you're the deserted us? I'm like, oh, shit, my bad. You're just in Maui? Yeah, I'm in Maui. And then they're like, why is that naked guy with the spear, with the big thing? Blood dripping from your mouth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just like, yeah. Why does he have little... Crazy eyes. Why does he have red hairs in his teeth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his dick is out? Yeah. What would happen? What I would probably do then, in that case, I would be like... I would probably... I would say... I...

The plane crashed and I was on the beach alone. And they go, but you didn't see the lights from the resort right over the hill? Yeah, but they're like, is there any other survivors? I'll be like, no. There's no other survivors? No, no, no, no. How come there's blood all over you? It's my own blood. Let me see. You don't have any cuts on you at all. Internal bleeding. It's coming out? Internal blood is coming out? Yeah, I need to go to the hospital. Okay, well take it to the hospital. Yeah. And then they're like, why is your dick with shit on it? Why does your dick have poop all over it? Uh...

Because I have reverse Crohn's. Oh, it comes out of you. I would make up a disease. Reverse Crohn's. I have reverse Crohn's. Right. And the doctors, of course, would go, right, we've heard of reverse Crohn's. That's when poop comes out of your pee-pee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so real quick, Bob, I want to do a little fun segment. You and your bits today. I love it. I really do like the bits. I love your little bits. Wait, but here, this is not really me. It's more...

This is for you to read. Don't read it yet. Don't read it yet. This is for you guys. So, you know, Andres is our newbie, you know, that's with us.

And I feel like he's perfect to read us some of the news headlines of the day. And he wrote these jokes. Andreas wrote all these jokes himself. He wrote jokes? He wrote all these jokes. But he's not a joke writer. Yes, he is. Let's listen to some of this stuff. So Andreas... Can I look at it now? Yeah, look at it, but don't read it. Let him read these. You can just see what the topics are in case you can't make out what he's saying because he's, you know... Okay, okay. So Andreas, go ahead. Okay. Okay.

Okay, guys. Welcome back to this edition of Malos Amigos News. I'm Andres Rosende, and here are some top stories in broken English. Wait, hold on. Yeah. You got to say it. You got to project it.

Let's make this a segment, Andres. So you got to go, welcome back to this edition of Malos Amigos News. I'm Andres Rosanal. Yeah, you're a news person. You're a news person now. Imagine this is live. Yeah, we're hiring you. Yeah, we're hiring you, man. So if you want to keep your job, let's go. Okay, here we go. Let's be camera. Let's pretend we're on show. All right, guys, get the cameras going. All right, let's sound. Everybody sound up. And so, and five, four, three, two, and go, Andres. Let's go.

Welcome back to this edition of Malos Amigos News. I'm Andrés Rosende and here are some top stories in broken English.

Harvey Weinstein fell and hit his head in jail while trying to walk rather than use his wheelchair. But at least now his head will be throbbing and not his butthole. Yay! That's really good, Andres. So Harvey Weinstein hit his head and fell in jail. Did you know that? No. That's a real thing. And they gave him 26 years today in prison. Oh, he's done. He's done. Yeah, yeah. His lawyer said he's not going to last five years. They go, he'll never last five years. And the judge was like, too bad, 26.

And he's in Rikers Island, bro. Rikers Island. Oh, my. Dude, imagine. He's done. I mean, but it's like, imagine owning Miramax. Yeah. You're the top guy, like Brad Pitt. Everybody wants to be around you. Every celebrity ever worked with you. You're the king. George Clooney, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, all these guys. Everybody, right? And you just, you know, why would you...

rape why is rape in your head isn't that weird all that power and he had to like i would fuck just wouldn't you just get hookers with all that money i would just find the hottest girl on planet earth and be like you could get uh-huh right and just go that's it yeah i'm a billionaire i'm a billionaire hey and then you can maybe cheat on the side and have mistresses even if look at it like this even if the hottest girl was like i still don't want to have sex with you and you're that rich

just buy prostitutes. I would buy them for the rest of my life. You could buy the hottest girls in the world. And you could pay them just to hang out. I know. I don't get it. I don't get it. All right, let's go to the next joke. Come on. Go ahead. Loud and clear. Projected energy. Energy. You're not loud enough. Energy. Yeah. Conspiracy theorist. Go, go ahead. Conspiracy theorist. Alex Jones got a DUI in Texas.

And even though he blew under the legal limit, he called the cops gay lizards. So they had to book him, they know.

It's Bookumdano. Do you know what Bookumdano is? Bookumdano. Bookumdano is from? The movie Hot Cups. No, it's from Hawaii Five-0. Five Jams. Hawaii Five-0. All right. Bookumdano. Yeah, Alex Jones got a DUI in Texas. He blew under the legal limit. Do you know that? He's trying to get out of it because he's saying it's a .08. He blew .079. Yeah. And he's saying they booked him because he's a conspiracy theorist. The only reason why the guy is famous is because people talk about him.

Yeah, but he says crazy things. He does. He's like he, you know, once he said that, like, what's the school? Sandy Sandy Hook was a hoax. I know. He said as soon as they they they should just shut everything off.

Every mic should have been taken away from him. He has no more credibility. It's crazy. It's insane. Hey, Bobby, Bobby, you son of a bitch. You're talking to me about that. Sandy Hook isn't a real thing, Bob. And I'd be like, yeah, well, you know, then what happened to the fucking kids? Those are all actors. They're all actors. They're not. Yeah, they're all actors. You don't know because you're part of the lizard community here in Hollywood.

All right, let's hear the next one. Okay, so Andrew Yang officially endorsed Joe Biden. This is sad. It's just another young Asian boy being manipulated by an old rich white man. You're giving up on the jokes. Say it again nice and clear, nice and smooth. Let's try it again. Come on, here we go. Let's try it again, bro. Andrew Yang, go ahead. Andrew Yang officially endorses Joe Biden. This is sad. It's just another young Asian boy being manipulated by an old rich white man.

Andrew Yang. That's ridiculous. That's a good joke. It's just another young Asian boy being manipulated by an old, rich, white man. That's a funny joke, Andreas. That's very good. Did you write that? Honestly, who wrote that? He wrote all these jokes. It's all my... You wrote that? He wrote all of these jokes. It's really well-crafted. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's...

the point of view is there. Are you being facetious? That's a good joke. It is a pretty good joke, yeah. That's a great joke. But the truth of the matter is that it's like... It's just another Asian boy being manipulated by an old rich white man. Honestly, Andrew Yang endorsing Joe Biden made a lot of people upset for some reason. Whatever. They're gonna... Who cares?

Oh, well, if you want to get some food in your belly, easy, convenient, to your door, why don't you use DoorDash? I use DoorDash all the time, my friend. Yeah, it's incredible. Delivery is more than just pizza. Do you? Yeah, I get this Mexican restaurant by my house. I love that. I love it so much. Yeah, you've got big plans for 2020, and if you can't find time to do it, you should download, get some DoorDash.

Also, Valentine's Day is approaching, and sometimes you forget to make reservations. Valentine's Day is over. So don't settle for the last table available. Treat your date to delivery with DoorDash at home. That's what I do. Valentine's Day already passed. Next Valentine's Day.

Because they have them every year. No. Oh, they do? Yeah, they have Valentine's Day every year. Oh, well, that's good. So the next one, just prepare and just do DoorDash. Well, look, DoorDash brings all of America's flavors to your front door. Ordering is very simple. Open up the app. Choose what you want. Your food going to come to you. You don't got to move. Sit on the couch. Get fat. Get lazy. 50 U.S. states, Puerto Rico, Canada, Australia. You can order all over the world.

I mean, like restaurants like Chipotle, Wendy's, Chick-fil-A, and the Cheesecake Factory. Cheesecake Factory has so much to eat, by the way. How could you not find something that you want on there? With DoorDash, you never have to worry about where your next meal is coming from. You don't have to hunt like Bobby doesn't like. You can do yourself a favor, download DoorDash. So right now, our listeners will get $5 off their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter the code. That's right, $5 off your first order of $15 or more when you download that DoorDash app. DoorDash app.

DoorDash app. It is. And you enter the code? Bad friend. Bad friend. DoorDash app. Get it. You know, I prefer Bernie over Biden. Right. I do. Yeah, that's fine. You know.

All right. You lean in a weird way, but I don't like I said this before. I like none of these people. I don't I don't trust any. I don't either. They're all just fucking puppets. Yeah, I don't like them. Right. There's a guy behind the guy. I think Joe Biden is a hack and I think Bernie is a psychopath. I think all of them are. Well, don't say that. Off their rocker. Yeah, don't say that. I'm going to make school for free. Shut up. What are you talking about? They're all crazy. Anyway, go ahead.

Now, Andreas, if this is not clear and fucking, you know what I mean? And you don't sell the jokey part of it. You got to sell it, dude. I'm going to fire you. Okay. All right. So louder. Louder. Clearer. And more angst. Not angst. Gusto. Oomph. Oomph. Yeah. What's gusto? What's gusto in Spanish? How do you say gusto? What's bravado? Bravado. Bravado. Bravado. Okay. Here we go. Don't blush either. Don't blush. We're not. We're not. Okay. All right. Let's go.

Commercial Airlines. All right, stop. Stop. I'm sorry. Dude, you're really pissing off the boss here, pal. I'm just letting you know. Bad idea, Andres. Andres, I saw you a couple days ago. I was really nice to you. Yeah, he was. Was I not?

We hugged, we had that sweater on. We did a couple like, you know what I mean, pumps or whatever. And I don't do that with everyone. You know, there's something about you that I really like, right? But if you're not, you're taking away, you know what I mean? And you're putting hate in there. He's diminishing this. You're diminishing it. So just really vocalize and commit. Commit. Okay. Go ahead. Come on in. Commit. And action. Action.

Commercial airlines are seeing a massive dip in travel and subsequently the private jet business is booming. Also, subsequently, private jet is the nickname I use for my penis. Let me tell you, business is booming.

That's a good joke. That's a good joke, Andreas. Andreas, that's a really good joke. Yeah, it's a very good joke. By the way, did you say penis? It says pene. Is pene penis in Spanish? It is. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, that's really funny. And let me tell you. See what I'm saying? If you would have said that with low energy. You're a good coach because that worked. Yeah, it wouldn't have worked. God, that's really funny. Yeah. So commercial. Do you trust me from now on? I do. Okay, thank you. Commercial airlines are having a dip. I didn't understand a word he said. Yeah.

Private jets are going up. We should take only private jets. You want to take a private jet with me somewhere? No, because that's how Buddy Holly died. And Otis Redding and – The Big Dipper. Yeah. Yeah. God, that's so sad, all those people. Yeah, but they died back when it was like the pilots were drunk. They flew in the fog. They don't do that stuff anymore. Would you rather take a helicopter or a private jet? Private jet. Yeah. After that whole thing.

What's that buzzing? Do you hear that? There's a buzzing. Oh, there it is. It's gone now. If that's a thing, it's like – I would take a private jet over a helicopter. Helicopters scare the shit – they scared me before Kobe died. I think both of those are like – I think helicopters are more dangerous. I mean they are literally. I probably don't know the facts. I did. I looked it up after Kobe died. Because in Hawaii, like before Kobe died, in Hawaii, a whole family died from a helicopter crash.

Yeah. I think it happens more often than we know. How many helicopter crashes are there? Here, look at this. In the last decade, more than 380 people have died in helicopter accidents. Meanwhile, there are over 47,000 accidents serious incidents involving airplanes in the U.S. airspace. So I guess it's more common to die in airplane accidents, but that's only because there's

There's way more airplane flights than helicopters. I don't think this is an even... Do you know what I mean? Right. I hear that buzzing again, by the way. I don't know why. That's got to be a chord or something. Why do you get so angry? Just let it buzz or not. You know what I mean? I just don't like the buzz. It's like, can you not hear that? I know, but there's a nicer way to say that. Okay, here. Can I say it again? Yeah. Hey, guys. There's a little bit buzzing in the headphones. Can we check that out and make sure that it's not buzzing anymore? Was that a little bit better or no? That's much better. Thank you. Yeah. Okay, so let's move on to the next one. I want to go to the next one. Andres, go to the next one. Yeah.

That joke was really good, by the way. Thank you. He calls his penis the private jet. You know what we should do? That's very funny. I think next week, you and I should get together in a coffee shop and write a stand-up act. For Andres? For Andres. And film it? No, and have Andres do a stand-up act with jokes that we wrote. For us. Yeah, and just do a little show for us with the action. Love it. He can't read it off the thing. He has to memorize the joke. He's never going to be able to do that. He's going to do it. He can barely read it off the thing now.

All right. Maybe he could. And he wrote these jokes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. So he could have a cheat sheet. But like, you got to give. What if we give him cue cards? You and I can give him cue cards. That's right. OK, we'll give you we'll give you cue cards. That sound good. Yeah. All right. So, Andreas, let's hear the next one. What is it?

Energy. Energy. Top, top, top, top, top, top, top. President Donald Trump is refusing to get tested for coronavirus, even though he was exposed to it recently. When asked why he won't get tested for the virus, he replied, only beaners, blacks, gays, and Jews are going to get it. I'm going to be fine. Wow. That's a pretty edgy joke you wrote.

That's a little... But the accent was really good. Can you do the Trump thing? Just the Trump line. Why aren't you... Mr. President, Mr. President, why aren't you going to get tested for the virus? Loud. Let's hear what he said. Go with vigor. Go ahead. Why aren't you going to get tested, sir? Only winners and blacks and gays and Jews are going to get it. I'm going to be fine. That's a better... I can't do better than that. That's a really good Trump. That's a really good Spanish Trump. I like that. That's really good. Stump Trump. He didn't actually say that, though, did he, Trump? He did.

Trump did. He did. He did. On CNN, he goes, only beaners, blacks, gays, and Jews are going to get it. What's the next one? Energy. Energy, energy, energy. Okay. Rare white giraffes. No, no, Scott. Again. You can't stumble. Yeah, you can't stumble. Okay. Rare white giraffes were killed by poachers in Kenya. The Wildlife Foundation is disgusted with the act.

But I, for one, I see the justice. It's time for the giraffe gentrification to stop. Keep the white giraffes out of our neighborhood. It's like a reverse. That's good. It's really good. That's really good. All right. Let's hear the next one. By the way, the white giraffe, do you know that that's a true story? Two white giraffes were found killed by poachers and they're like, there's only so many left.

It's disgusting. I think there's a rhino too that – what was the white rhino that no longer exists? Oh, that got killed off. Yeah. But I mean I think there's only – But that's not because – Two rare white giraffes. It's not like poachers are like, let's kill that white giraffe because we hate white giraffes. It's because I think white giraffes and white rhinos are more coveted.

Right. And more expensive probably. Yeah, I guess maybe. I don't know. But to kill them – it said that they found them and it indicated that they killed them weeks before. Yeah. So they killed them, left them there for weeks. Yeah. That's sad. I mean let me ask you about just a side note because I know you hang out with Buff Eyes because Buff Eyes likes to hunt. Buff Eyes loves to hunt. Yeah, yeah. Tell people who Buff Eyes is. No. We'll just say Buff Eyes. That's fine. And Buff Eyes – so how do you feel about hunting?

What do you mean, how do I feel about it? Because he enjoys it and he has a philosophy. I don't do it. Would you ever hunt anything? Yeah, if I was going to eat it 100%. Yeah, but my point is that you just go to the restaurant. No, no.

People hunt because it's a fun sport. And then if you eat it and you purpose it as something, then it seems totally fine to me. But it's the fun sport part. You know what I mean? To me, it's like, are you doing it as survival because you want to eat? No, it's not. Obviously not. Or is it because you get excited to kill something that was once like hanging out with his family out in the fucking grazing? That's why most hunters like hunting.

I don't really hunt, but I don't care that people do as long as you eat it and purpose it. Because I always think that like, you know, because I know that like. I don't have time to hunt. Where am I going to hunt? I'm in Los Angeles. I don't know where to go. Honestly, if one day they said, all right, guys, there's no more meat. You have to hunt for your own meat. I would probably take an oven mitt, a Swiss army knife out into the pasture and just jab a cow in its ass. I don't know what to do. That's right. Jab a cow in its ass. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's it. All right, go ahead. Go ahead.

All right. Ready? Hey, Bob, coach him. Go, go! Nucleomidea species were discovered deep under the Arctic Ocean, which can only mean one thing. That Jamaican crab, Sebastian, is a did again. Read that one slower again. That's really good, though. Read that one slower. That's a good joke. All over? Yeah, the whole thing.

Nucleomideous species were discovered deep under the ocean. Slow it down, slow it down. Nucleomideous species was... Slow it down. Nice and slow, baby. A little louder. That's because they speak so fast in their language. I know, I know, I know. They go... Just nice and slow, a Spaniard. Here we go. Nucleomideous species were discovered deep under the Arctic Ocean. Same. It just goes faster. It goes faster. Nucleomideous species were discovered deep under the Arctic Ocean. Go ahead. Which can only mean one thing.

That Jamaican bastard crap Sebastian is at it again. Andarasi. That's really good. All right, let's hear the next two. We only got two more left. Andreas, you're really, you're murdering it. How long did it take you to write these? Be honest. How long? Two days. Two days? That's pretty good though. Yeah. How many jokes? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. We're going to write them since it's fucked up. But ten jokes in two days is really good. You and I are going to write them a fucked up joke. I know. Okay, let's go. What's the next one? Nice and slow, but...

Ann! Okay. The NHL made history when they used an all-female crew to broadcast the game on International Women's Day. These are strong women. They made it through three brutally bloody periods. Andres, that's very good. Very good. Andres, the joke that you wrote, explain me the joke while it's funny. Explain that NHL joke to Bob. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, because it's a game that is bloody, but also a period means also like, you know, that time of the month when like a woman... There we go. See, he did write it. Yeah, I know. What do you mean? He did... I'm just questioning because to me, it seemed like something that he would write.

What does he know about the NHL? Here's what George said. I said, how are these jokes? And George goes, here's the thing. He knows how to write English better than to say it. Ah. So he can write English, obviously. Obviously. Okay. But honestly, speaking it, this is much harder for him. Right. All right. Let's hear the last one. Let's hear your last dinger. Okay.

Okay, ready for the last one. Yeah, but Bob, call John. Yeah. Okay. All right, five. So, you know what I mean? So, I don't know why I just did that. Andreas, and also Andreas, there's another guy that can replace you. There's two guys that we found. Two guys that we found. We got on LinkedIn. So, this is your last shot. Okay. So, really celebrate. Five, four, three. Ah.

Police capture a yellow lab that beat and kill a Dutch hound and beat five people. When asked to comment, the dog said, hey, it's a dog by dog world. That's terrible. Can I read it as you? Yes, please. Ready? Police capture a yellow lab that beat and kill a Dutch hound.

and beat five people. When Astor come in, the dog said, hey, it's a dog bite dog world. These are really good jokes. Let's give it up for Andreas on these jokes. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Man, so good. You're so fucking good. These are really, really good.

That is a good—look, I think the next thing we're going to do is we're going to write a bunch of stand-up bits for him. Yeah, we'll sit down and— And should we make him perform here on the show? Yeah, we should do also different styles. We should do, like, you know, ital, like, switches and stuff. So you're saying write different styles for him each week? No, no, we'll just—in the act, we'll do, like—he has to do impressions. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Act outs. Yeah, yeah. Write some observation humor. Can you do impressions? Yes.

I don't think so, but sure. Okay. What's an impression that we think he could do, though? That's the problem. Can you do Christopher Walken? Yeah. That's a standard. That's a standard, easy one. That's like entry level. How about Robert De Niro? Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Everything's going to sound like Pablo Escobar to me, no matter what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you do Pablo Escobar? Do him.

Yeah, I don't have to make an accent. I speak normally. Yeah, so say like, there it is. Go get the cocaine. Plata o plomo. Plata o plomo. What is that? What does that mean? That's like, either you take the money or it's lead or money. Lead or money. Oh, plata o plomo. How about Joan Rivers? Go ahead. Oh, yeah, that one's easy for you. That's easy. Come on. Can we talk? Can we talk?

Dude, it's so good. It's literally anybody and everybody at the same time. Can you do an impression of me or Bobby? Do an impression of me and then Bobby. This is where I'm going to get angry. Go ahead. Do one of me. Try one. Try one of me first. Go ahead. Come on. Time's wasted. No dead air, baby. Bobby, why do you have to be like that? That's good. That's very good. Now do one of Bob. Do one of me. You're an asshole to me. That's really good. That's really good. God, Andres, that's really, really good.

I just want to hear just one last thing, Andreas. I want you to do an Asian accent. I just want to see what it sounds like. So I want you to say A, you touch you by. So I'm a guy. I'm walking in a liquor store. You're a liquor store owner, right? The phrase is you break you by, right? Yeah, you touch you by. Let's give him some reference for it. I'm going to play that scene of you break you by. So then you can...

You break you by. Do you understand what this is in reference to or no? I do. Okay, so you know it's like a... I didn't even know this was in a movie. Well, Don't Be a Menace had it. So here, this is a scene in Don't Be a Menace. And they joked about this. This is a common phrase. Do you understand? Do you know the background of this? I think I do. Okay, turn it up a little bit. This is a great scene. Them walking into a Korean convenience store and the white guy is stealing.

So racist. So good. Hurry up and buy. There's one. Hurry up and buy. Okay. Hurry up and buy. You got it? I got it. Break yourself. The white guy just steals the money right out of the register. Hey, hey, hey. You dropped something. There we go. Very funny. Very funny. The white guy gets away with it. Break yourself, fool.

Let's hear the final version of it. Where's it coming? All right, whatever. Jesus Christ. All right, you heard it. You break, you buy. Hurry up and buy. So do that best impression for Bob. Bob wants to hear you do those. So go ahead. Hurry up and buy. With an Asian accent, not in yours. Go ahead. Okay.

That was my Asian accent. Really work for it. Really work for it. You thought you'd bite. You got to get smaller. You went like this. By watching that fucking clip. Yeah, from Don't Be a Menace. Imagine when I came to LA, those are the only parts available.

Yeah, that was it. That's crazy to think that like back in the day, Ali Wong, all these like, you know, these woke new Asians, you know, Awkwafina. Right. They would have to wait in line. To do Hurry Up and Buy. To do Hurry Up and Buy. Wow. Was the only available thing. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's fucked up. It's like crazy to think. What was the name of, but that is, I mean, but to be fair, didn't you play some of those characters on MADtv? Yeah.

You would do shit like that, right? Yeah, but I would do it to the point where, like, you ever see Johnny Gone? Yeah. So go to YouTube. You've seen Johnny Gone. Hold on. Let me see. Don't be a menace. I just want to see the name of this poor woman that did that hurry up and buy scene. Yeah. And I want to see if perhaps maybe she worked other. So Miss Johnson? No, that's obviously not it.

She's probably not even in the credits. That's how fucking low. You think they put her out of the credits? Maybe. But look, okay, whatever the case may be, I don't think you're going to find the store owner for some reason in here. Look, she's not even credited. I know. That's how fucking sad it was. Now look at, go to YouTube and go Johnny Gone is a character. You ever seen my Johnny Gone? No. It's the, I went to the extreme of Johnny Gone.

With it. Johnny gone. J O J O. How do you spell it? Johnny J O N N Y. Yeah. Gone. Right. G O N E. Just go with mad TV. Johnny gone. Okay. Mad TV. Yeah. Johnny gone. G O N E. I don't know.

There we go. Johnny, gone. G-A-N. It's so racist because I... What? Say it. It's so racist because what? I just wanted to do a character that was so racist that it became almost like not racist. Okay, let's see. Oh, my God.

Hello, people. A fun time when it get cold and the woman's nipples stick out and Johnny Gunn make the Oscar guesses on the Johnny Gunn movie guesses for the Oscar award show. Oh, my God. Johnny Gunn. And with me is very. This is literally setting back this setting. This sets everyone back about a thousand years. No, it doesn't. No, it's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. Because it's hilarious.

Because I just wanted to do something that was just so over the top. It is. Yeah, but people didn't like it. No, really? Did you get a lot of criticism for it? Yeah. Really? People didn't like it, but what are you going to do? I mean, I just don't know why. Look, it's— That was when—it's so funny because in the beginning of MADtv, they wouldn't give me anything. Right. And then by the fourth year, people started liking me. What do you mean by the fourth year?

On the show, you could tell that when I went in front of the live audience, people knew who I was. In the beginning, everyone liked Mike McDonald and all these people. Yeah, I love Mike. But I love him too. He's a very good friend. But the fourth and fifth year is when you could tell that the fans started to like me. So then I could go, I want to do Johnny Gunn. And they would say yes. All right. You know what I mean? I go...

But can you, you know what I mean, not do the teeth thing? No, I'm doing the teeth thing. You put all that stuff in there. You said I wanted to have the comb over. I want the teeth. Oh, everything. That was all you. I would spend like six hours beforehand getting the big head. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks good though. But I like, that was fun. Should we do something like that now? What do you mean? Should we like recreate characters like that now?

Yeah, like you do an absurd... Yeah, well, I do what every redheaded guy was forever and still is, is like a dork pimple-faced nerd. Let's get the makeup and the... That's what I'm saying. Do you want to do that and play that? Yeah, let's do it, yeah. That'll be like our... I want to come up with a new character. I would love that. Let's do a movie of us, me and you doing characters. Yeah, yeah. Not a movie. Let's do it next...

Bad friends. Done. We'll get the costumes. So we're going to do our characters for the next show, and then we'll also have stand-up featured by Andres. Andres. It's going to be a great show. Andres, it's going to be a great show. This was already a fun show. Thanks for everybody sending in all those coronavirus fighters. Are we done now? We don't have to be. But, yeah, let's go. But I need to catch a plane to go to Chicago. What do we have time? Should I be scared? We are. Should I be scared? You know, I'm going to go to Denver, so don't get it.

I'm going to go to Chicago. You don't get it. This weekend, we won't get it. Do everything you can. Look at his nose. Look at what he's doing. Are you blowing your nose, Andres? What's in your pocket? What's in your pocket? Take it out. What did you put in your pocket? What did you take out? He just fucking wiped his boogers. Are you sick right now, Andres? Andres, are you sick? No. He's sick. No, honestly, are you sick or do you have allergies? That's it. It's the last episode of Bad Friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, look in the camera and say it.

Thank you for watching. That works.