Rudy Rejects a Cute Guy
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You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. So Friday night we were in Austin, Moon Tower Comedy Festival and... What a fun time.

The whole day was magical. It really was. It really was. Just doing the little, what's that? Zing zing. What's it called? What's a zing zing? Scooter. Scooter. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. So Bobby, you've never been on a, what do we do? Bird scooters? I had it on my app. Of course I've done it before. I do it when I'm in Oklahoma. Why did you act like you didn't know what you were doing? I do know what I'm doing. I was zipping. Yeah.

Yeah. I was zipping, zipping. First of all, we all binged the fucking scooter and then you just leave everybody. Did he leave everybody? Yeah. I was like, I was like a half a mile down. I was like, where the fuck is everybody? You didn't want to stay with us? I'm a Zoom machine. Zip, zip, zip. You were zip, zooming, zooming around. Zip, zip. And then so I got Rudy's. Hers kept locking on her, which was very funny because she can't physically push it. She's too weak. Yeah, she's way weak. So when it locks, she's like, help, teacher Andrew, help. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got stuck in the middle of the street. It was my first time though. I know, but it was so funny. So fun. How is it a 19 year old? Hmm.

It's her first time on the scooter. Old losers like us, I'd been on dozens of times. Yeah. How have you never been on a Bird or a Lime or a... I don't go out. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You know what? You have to go outside. There's no COVID on Zip Zoomers. Yeah, there's no... Well, there wasn't any COVID on those things. Yeah.

Fucking guy. I know he's trying to ruin the fucking podcast. Trust me, he's doing a great job. I was trying to get my zip zinger in. Sorry. Yeah, there you go. Well, that's it. Cut his mic off. Fancy. Yeah. So we zip doomed around town around South Congress because the goal was we wanted to get Rudy Jules a pair of cowgirl boots and boots.

Bob and I got her, I think, the dopest pear. It's got little hearts on it. Did you like it? I really like it. And we got blown up on South Congress. Everybody wanted to say hi and take a picture. So shout out to Austin. Then we had delicious, delicious pizza. Shout out to Home Sliced Pizza in Austin. That was the best pizza I think I've ever had. Not ever. No, because...

The element. You don't expect it out of Texas. Correct. Number one. Correct. It's a surprise. Number two, I was so hungo-hungo. We were big time hungo-hungo. Big hungo-hungo. And you were like, we'll wait for the Mexican food later. You know what I mean? Because we went to a nice restaurant. We do well. Okay. Yeah. Well, you raged out. We have to talk about that. I didn't rage. Yeah, you did. So we had the pizza and then we – so we talked to Maddie.

I called Matty Matheson and I said, hey, because every time I'm in Austin, he's been there twice with me and I was there and then we went out to eat and he suggested we should go to this restaurant. Do we need to say it? We don't need to say it. Yeah, I need you to say it. It's called Suarte. Suarte. And how does your fancy say it? How do you say it? Suarte. Suarte. So I had been there with Matty and he was like, you should go back. You know, the chef loves you. Those guys are fans. So let's just paint the scenario, okay?

So it's Moon Tower Comedy Festival. A lot of out-of-towners are on town. It's a hot restaurant, right? So they're booked to the gills. They don't have the room. But, you know, Andrew is Hollywood and he has connections. Of course. So he calls Maddie and goes, can you call the chef to get us a room? Right? So Maddie calls the chef. Chef's like, all right, I will make room for inside the restaurant. You're set up. You're all good to go. You're all good to go. We show up, right? And the hosts act as if they have no idea.

And they're like, outside is the only thing. And I was like, but we called in advance. And she said, well, I think it's only down here for five. And I said, I know, but we have one more. And no restaurant on fucking earth has a five top and not a six top. It doesn't exist. You would just add a fucking leg to the tables are even numbers. Two, four, six. So a five top is sitting at a six top table. You never go like, hey, get in my car. There's four people. My only car only seats three.

It doesn't happen. It doesn't happen. That's like in the restaurant. So she was a little rude to us, to be honest. Be honest. Because I was being – I was holding my calm and I was like, there's no way that you can get this done. This is exactly what I was – I was not being mean. Was I being mean? Fancy? No, but your face turned bright red.

I am red. No, no, no. Really red. Yeah. And you were mumbling to yourself. I do. You mumbled. I walk away and I go, I can't fucking believe it. I mean, I set this whole fucking place on fire. I know the guy. I know the chef. I'll shoot up the street. I'll shoot up the whole block. You came out hot. You sat next to me. I was like, I can't fucking believe it. Should I say something? Should I call Matt? I mean, you were like... I was like, well, should I call... Well, I wanted to rectify the situation because she fucked me off. She literally goes... No, so she said, there is no table inside. And I said, what?

what do you mean? I thought there was. And she goes, yeah, we don't. That's not, it doesn't seat six. I said, we can scrunch in. We have a mini person, a half person. Yeah. She's a half person. She's so skinny and tiny. And I go, we can consider it a human.

She's not even considered a human sometimes. Well, we already know she's a little alien. We'll get to you in a second. So then I walk outside. I'm bummed the fuck out. And I'm like, well, what are we going to do? And everybody was in a good enough mood that we said, we'll just eat outside. It's hot as fuck. It was muggy as shit. I was sweating balls. My nutsack. One of my nuts was inside my butthole. Literally inside my butthole. And my penis was holding on to the other nut. My penis was curled under holding on to my ball. The honest truth is.

inside you're like, I'm Andrew Santino. No. Just let's be honest. I didn't want to eat in... Did you want to eat outside? I'm very humble. Oh, fuck you. Bobby, fuck you. No.

You are not humble. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yeah, admit it. You're like, I can't believe I'm Andrew Santino, a headliner. Did I say that once, Fancy? No, but everything's behind his mumbling. No, no, no, no. You read between the lines, friend. Stop text. I like eating outside. I like eating outside, but it was hot and gross. I didn't want to be outside that night. We wanted to be inside. Yeah, but so why are you angry?

Because I want to be inside. You're Hollywood, Andrew. No, I want to be inside. All right. I don't want to eat outside at a fucking picnic table. At a fucking five-star restaurant. In the parking lot by the fucking handicap stall. But what I did... We sat in the fucking handicap parking spot. But remember what I did. Which was good for you. Do you remember what I did? And I'm not handicapped. Yes, you are. All right. Yes, you are. Even when you sat down... You sat in your chair. So...

Even me, I was just like – I was the voice of reason. I was the voice of reason. I'm the one going, listen, Andrew, calm down. We'll just eat outside. And you're just ranting and raving. So that's how I know there's something behind it. I was annoyed that we couldn't eat inside. We deserve to eat inside. You know what my problem is? I know what it is. I don't like things that are illogical. It's not logical to say I can see five but not six. It doesn't make sense. No, I think what it is – I saw that.

table. I saw the six tops. Since you hooked it up, you called Maddie, right? You did all that. I was embarrassed I couldn't come through. Yeah, and it was embarrassing that you didn't have the power to get us inside. Well, no, because I didn't flex any power. In fact, the chef saw us. You had no power. That's what we said outside. No, no, no. You had no power.

Time out. Time out. That's not true because it ended up being to our advantage. And I'll tell you why. When we went outside and we did a thing, I didn't say anything mean to the host, but they had no idea that this reservation had been set up through the chef. So, of course, Maddie made a phone call unbeknownst to us because we told them what happened.

We sent him photos. I was like, thanks for the parking lot spot. Appreciate it. It's so passive aggressive. Yeah, it was. It was. I said, thanks for the res. I love sitting by the dumpsters. Yeah. I said, me and the valet took a picture. Me and the valet are going to have appetizers. Yeah. You sent that to Matty? No, dude. Did you text him at all? Yeah, of course I did. What'd you say? I said, thanks for the reservation. No, he said. No, no, that's not. Go ahead. Thank you. He said, nothing says you know the chef like sitting by the handicap stop.

Very good. Nothing says you know the chef like sitting in the handicapped parking spot outside. But okay, so let me say this. So I didn't make it. I said, let's have a good night. We were with my friend Chelsea. We were all together, the Bad Friends crew. And I said, we're going to have a good night. Okay. And then one of the chefs comes out to come by and say hello because he was like, hey man, I'm so happy that you're back. Thanks for coming. And they started sending out a ton of shit. They sent out a fuckload of food. They sent out free shots. And who took shots?

Yeah, two of them. Two of them. Yeah. Because I'm not drinking. Charles Bukowski. So Bukowski over here wrote a novel in the parking lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blacked out. Poetry, yeah. It was actually, she was very, she was speaking like Bourdain-ish when she was like, nothing says sweet like a little Mexican Quixote sauce spread evenly around the beef tongue as it slides its way into my belly.

It was really smooth. Did you hear her in the parking lot? She doesn't know half those words. Why don't I remember that? Because you were drunk. You were drunk. Because you were drunk, you pig. You were drunk. Food was amazing. Food was so good. Suarte is so good. So then they sent out a bunch of good food. And then in a moment of sheer panic...

Bobby was like, we should... Bobby the whole night was like, we don't need to do fucking soundcheck. Fuck soundcheck. Thinking he's like a rapper from the 90s. He's like, we show up. And guess what? What? Then in the middle of the meal, he goes, we should go do soundcheck. I don't know why. You started to get nervous. The panic came over me. We should do soundcheck. We should do soundcheck. Well, I'll tell you why. So you jump in a van with the whole Bad Friends crew and leave me there. That's true. I did. I left you there and I apologize. But let me say... And they kept sending food. They...

They kept sending. Literally, we had fucking. They sent out prime rib. They sent out beef cheek. They sent out more fucking dip, more quesadilla. Wow. So I boxed it up, brought it to the venue. And this fucking piece of shit goes, I don't eat leftovers. I don't. It's high end food. I don't eat. You said I'm hungry. Regardless if it's McDonald's or high end, I don't eat it in my body. It's okay. Okay.

It was like a $200 steak that they gave us. I don't eat it. I like fresh. Well, I'll say to all the fancy chefs out there, I'll eat leftovers. That's fine. So they rushed to do sound check and leave me there. I'm glad we did that too because there was, you know, no problems. Was there problems? No. No, but it was like I had to go. I had to go. How is this going to work?

It's because the chairs were already out there. So I'm like, the chairs out will bring the chairs in. I kind of orchestrated how it was going to work. Which was good because you did do a good job. And when we got there, the only problem was the festival had double booked Brian Simpson, who we love, one of my favorite comics. And Brian was going to come do time. And then Trevor got asked by Bobby to come do some time too because –

Brian wasn't going to make it. Yeah. And Brian was not happy that the festival made him like come to the venue. Then they put him in a car, took him away to do another spot. So he missed his spot for our show. Yeah. And on our show, Trevor did great time. Then we did time. And then the show was, the show was great. I got to be honest. Did you have a fun time? It was flawless. It was good. And when they said your name and you came out there, Oh my God, the building shook. She's petrified.

And she doesn't want to come out, but fuck it, all right? Rudy Jules, give her a round of applause. You know, she had the best joke of the night. That's the first time afterwards she goes, I like it.

Did you really? Mm-hmm. I liked it. Because we chanted before. We had a little chant. We said, bad friends bomb. Bad friends bomb. Yeah, I remember. Because you got to shake away the bomb. Because she was worried about bombing. Yeah. But the first joke she had was probably the joke of the night. Yeah. She said she looked around and goes, it's too many white people. Yeah. Which is honest. And it crushed. It crushed. But then we turned the house lights up and there were a lot of brown. Were you surprised at how many brown there was? Yeah, there were a lot. We get down with brown. We get down with brown. Why am I? What?

you know they just have to be fucked up internally well they are you can tell you can tell by the questions that came out of the audience we have such fucked up fans such fucked up fans two brothers that didn't even sit in the same row together they came together and they sat 30 feet away from each other so wait a minute you weren't you were where were you two supposed to sit I was supposed to come over here

You weren't supposed to come at all. I had to work tomorrow. You got to work tomorrow? I called out. You called out sick? Yes. God bless. Where do you work? Where do you work? An hour away. Wait, tell me what it is. An hour away. The company is called An Hour Away. Temple. Where? Temple. Temple. Temple? You were Jewish? No, no, no, no. He doesn't look Jewish at all. Mexican. I've never seen a Mexican Jew in my life, but happy Passover. It is.

Wait a minute. So you work at a company called Temple? Yeah. And what do they do? Small town. Exactly. What did he say? Small town. Then we had a hot guy in the front. The whole Temple stuff was funny. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dr. Drew came and did some time with us and dissected Bobby's relationship with him and addiction, which was really nice. And then afterwards, I mean, it was just a magical night. And then I didn't see you after the show. Well, you guys went to go get pizza. And so now tell me the nightmare.

It started unraveling the next day. So here's what happened. I ended up going to my friend Chelsea and I and her friend went to Soho House to just have dessert because I'm not drinking right now. So I said, I'm just going to go have a little bit of dessert and then go to bed happy in my hotel. And I did. I had a fat ass ice cream sundae and three chocolate chip cookies. And then I went to my hotel and I took a little duper pooper and I sat on TikTok for a while and laughed and I rested my little head and I had such a nice day. Great. You deserve it. Then on the next morning. Yeah.

I go to my little airline, my little flight, my little tiny puddle jumper plane, 37 minutes. And Emma...

Julia Roberts, she was on my plane. Okay. And the plane is only like 10 people. It's a little tiny plane. All right. So is that Julia Roberts' daughter? It's her niece. What is it? Oh, it's her brother's daughter. Is that what it is? I have no idea, man. I'm just guessing. Well, that's a real good guess. Thank you. Because you sold, do it again because let me see. Because Eric Roberts is an actor. Yes. And he has a daughter. That's Julia Roberts' aunt. That's right. Yeah, you're correct. Okay. So she was on my flight and I thought, what a good luck charm.

What a good luck charm. It would seem like a good luck charm. A cool popular actress is on my flight. Yeah. This is going to be a great day. Yeah. So I get off the flight. I unload my bags. Smooth flight? No, very, very bumpy. Okay. But I kept staring at Emma Roberts saying, is everything okay? And she kept turning and going like this, which I don't know if this is the white power symbol or the okay, but that's what she kept doing to me. And so then we got into – I got into Dallas.

And I said immediately, I get to my hotel. I'm ready to go. Room's not ready. But you know what? What? That's okay. Are you sure? Right now, it's okay. Were you mumbling? Yeah, a little bit. A little mumble bubble. All right. A little mumble bubble. I thought, oh, it's not. It's not.

Yeah, yeah. But I checked in on the app already on my phone. See, here's what's funny about you or what I realized is you mumble so that other people can hear it. But it's not directed at them. Well, you tell, okay, you be the hotel clerk and say your room's not ready, Mr. Santino. Hi, welcome to the Four Seasons? Four Seasons?

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter? Welcome to the Marriott? Sure. Okay. Welcome to the Residence Inn? Try again. Not just the Residence Inn. Red Roof Inn. Welcome to the Red Roof Inn. Welcome to the Motel 6. Thank you. Uh-huh. I'm sorry, but...

Your room isn't ready yet. Oh, it's not? No. At 3 o'clock, it'll be ready. And it's about 3 o'clock right now. Yeah, but the guest that was sitting there, she's packing up now, so it's going to take us a little bit. No, that's not a big deal. Roast beef, things like that. I've already checked in on the app. I've already checked in on the app.

Why would you fucking make a check in on the fucking entrance? That's not a big deal. I'll just leave my bags here. So that's what you do. So I left my bag. Right. And then I went to my favorite area of downtown Dallas right here. I went Deep Ellum, which is my favorite. I had one of my best days of my life in Deep Ellum. This sounds like a great day so far. No, no, no.

A year ago, I had the best day. Oh, all right. A year ago, I got to drive fancy cars because my buddy owns a car shop. And then I got to go to Deep Bellum and I danced my balls off with my buddy, Chris O'Connor. I remember that. And I had the best day. I saw the video. So I went back to Deep Bellum and guess what? That place that I wanted to go to? Yeah. Closed down. Closed down. No, they just couldn't make it financially. They did not make it. Did not survive. And so then I said-

That's okay. Hit number one. That's okay. That's okay. Yeah. So then I walked. I went to this little shop. There's a little like skate shop. And I bought this cool hat because I was like, I like Deep Ellum. That's a cool hat. That's a cool hat. I was like, still in a good mood. I'm going to have a good day. Great. I don't give a shit. Yeah. And I said. Two bad things though. Two bad things. Settle in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I thought. They come in threes. Yeah, I know. And mine was three times three. All right. So then I said, not a big deal. I'm just going to get some good old Texas barbecue.

Great. Great idea. Thank you. Great idea. So I go to this barbecue place that's near there. Yeah. And I sit down at the bar and I said, can I order here? Do I need to wait in the line? And the guy says, you can absolutely order here. No problem. I said, wonderful. So I said, I would like the brisket. And he said, you got it. He said, brisket plate. I said, sure. What are the sides? I said, you pick your two favorites. He says, you got it. Never do that. He was a hefty. He looked like he had a lot of food. He had tried a lot. You could tell he had tried a lot of food. He's fat.

I just said he looked like he had tried a lot. I'm just trying to visualize it. Was he fat? He looked like a guy that had tried a lot of food. Okay. So anyway, I said, you pick. He picked. Okay. My number, bing, 196. I get up and it is a pulled pork sandwich and mac and cheese. And I was like, nope, I had a brisket plate. And she goes, no, you didn't.

And then I said, I did. And I said, so let me, let's, I'm the waiter. No, you, uh, you got a brisket plate. Oh, is that because I definitely told him I wanted to know. I wanted the brisket plate says right here on the receipt. Pulled pork. Is that what it says on there? Brisket plate. I mean, it says the sandwich. Yeah. I read it wrong. Wait, did you just say that backwards? Oh, it is. Yeah. Pulled pork sandwich and mac and cheese.

That's what it says. Okay. Because if you do it upside down, it says, yeah, so anyway. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm dyslexic. Yeah, definitely. It doesn't fucking say that. But let me go. Okay, that's fine. So I went back to the bar and I said, hey, did you perhaps put in? This is what I wouldn't do. You already took it to another level. I wanted brisket. Doesn't matter. I wanted a brisket. Eat the fucking sandwich. No, I don't want the sandwich. Okay. So I went back to the bar calmly and I said, hey, brother. Was it calm? Huh? Was it calm? You be the bartender. Okay. Oh, is he puking? No, I'm just. What is it?

I've eaten a lot. Oh, you're stuffed. That's just my natural demeanor. Oh, hey. Hey, brother. Oh, hey. Hey, remember when I was saying, I think I ordered the brisket plate and I said, you choose the fun sides. But this is a pulled pork. You said choose. You said choose. No, I meant the sides. Yeah, I read choose. Okay, so literally, that's exactly what happened. Exactly. He thought I meant you choose.

And? But I said, can I have the brisket plate? You choose the sides. He chose the whole fucking thing. All right. Okay, okay, okay. I didn't want the sandwich. All right, fine. So of course, he goes, all right, I'll put it in for you. And then I said, could I get the lean brisket? There was two choices. Here we go. Yeah. We're out of lean brisket. Of course. I said, no problem.

No problem. No problem. No problem. So 25 minutes later, I've had two Dr. Peppers and I'm buzzing. Yeah, you're buzzing. Because I'm hungry and I'm on sugar. And I'm sure with the rage and Dr. Pepper, the combination is not great. Oh, the sugar and the rage. So then...

I get my number comes up. By this point, it's 486. 196 was the first one. And I get the plate and it's a brisket plate and it's... Look, regular brisket is fatty. This was all fat. There was no meat. There was this much meat and it was fat globules on the side. So I sat down. But if you watch the show alone...

Fat is fat protein. That's great. It is. But I didn't eat it because I'm not living in fucking Alaska. Oh, I forgot. You're in Dallas. Sorry. So then I ate whatever I could and I thought, this is okay. I'm going to fuck off to the hotel. I'm going to jerk off and go to bed and take a little nap before the show. Then on my way home, I get a little phone call from Raj Sharma. You know, our friend Raj Sharma. I like him.

Raj is a dad. He's from there. And he was opening for me. And Raj says, hey, buddy, you're not going to believe this. And I almost threw my phone on the highway. I almost threw it right on the highway. I'm not kidding. He missed his flight. Something about his flight. He's not there. No, even crazier. He was in Houston last night. Somebody stole his fucking bag with his car keys. So he had all of his shit in his travel bag. Someone stole it. Oh.

So Raj gets robbed and Santino is ready to jump off the fucking freeway. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I've got three hours to find someone to fucking open the show. Oh yeah. It was really fun. So I'm calling around. I'm saying, Hey, who can, who can, doesn't anybody know anybody? Does anybody know anybody? Yeah. And everybody's like, yeah, but this guy's out of town and this guy's here. He's headlining. He's featuring for somebody. I'm scrambling and Raj can't get back. He goes, I've got, I've, I've got us. I'm going to have a locksmith come. But by the time I get there, it'll be nine o'clock.

You know what I do sometimes, though? I always go... Because I've done last-minute bookings for openers. Yeah. Well, I have this thing I got to do, right? And I just go, how much are they paying you? I'll pay you more. Yeah. Do you do that? No, no, no. But the reason he was in Houston was because he was with...

No, I'm just saying when you're calling Dallas the wrong comment. Oh, dude, I offered anything. I didn't care about the money. I was like, I'll give you whatever you need. I need someone to come do the show. I was like, what the fuck? I'll do anything. But everyone was either gone that could feature or it was like host. And I was like, I need someone that can feature. Do 30 minutes. Yes. And so I was like scrambling. Luckily, Raj came through with a guy, Paul Varghese, who was great. So fucking funny. Yeah. But the show was great. The show was great. But I had so much stress that day that I feel like I under...

I didn't. You underperformed. I just, you know, when your mood is shifted and you're not fucking swinging for the fence. That's what, that's the hard part of doing standup because sometimes you do two shows a night, you know, when you do clubs. Yeah. And sometimes, you know, especially the second show Friday night. Yeah. It's just rowdier. You're tired. Everyone's drunk. Yeah. And it's like, you know, and you have, and you don't feel funny.

Sometimes you have to perform and be funny when you're not. When you got other stuff in your mind. Other your head. So anyway, the show was, overall, it was great. It was a good success. Sold out? It was fucking great. Almost. We came close. It was really, really close. We just missed out because Dallas didn't show up for Daddy. But anyway, that was fine. And then I went home to the hotel and I thought, I got to get back. We got bad friends tomorrow. I got to get back to the house. I want to get a good night's sleep. I am in the middle of...

Mexican stampede party time. Excuse me? I don't know what's going on outside. There's a... I think the Alamo is down there now. That was... You mean the... No, that's in San Antonio? I think they moved it up to Dallas. Oh, they can do that? They were having a party. Right. And they, I think, they had saved the Alamo again because there were lowriders and gunshots and people yelling and they were bumping music. Did you hear this? I

Any of that? I don't know. You've heard some of that? Until 2.45 in the morning. So you couldn't sleep at all? Didn't get any sleep. Right. Tried to jerk off. Couldn't. Why? Because of the aye-aye-ayes? Aye-aye-ayes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time I'd get close. You know, whenever I cannot, when I'm jerking off and there's a random aye-aye-aye, it just throws me off. I couldn't do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd get right there. I'd go, you know when you feel your toes curl? And I'd go, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Ah!

Yeah. And I go, great. And then it would just wet noodle out of my hand. But you do – but what I do in that situation is I always immediately go to Mexican porn. I did. Oh, I did? I did and I tried to match the sounds. So you can incorporate the noise. I did.

Hi, puppy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried to match the sound. So let me get through this. So I couldn't sleep. I didn't get any fucking sleep. And the next morning, I'm going downstairs to get a coffee to get to the airport. And all I want is a nice little cup of cappuccino. And I get my little cup of cappuccino and my handle on my bag breaks. It breaks right up.

I swear to God. I swear to God. It rips right off my fucking back. I literally was like, this is a bad... I'm in a Ben Stiller movie. I am Ben Stiller in a Ben Stiller movie. What's on my handle? My AirPods, right? Yeah. It's attached to the bag, the case. So my AirPods snap with that, right? I spill coffee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go buy another fucking coffee. I apologize to everybody for spilling coffee on leather couch. Yeah, yeah. I sit down. I finish this new coffee. Yeah. And then I get in the fucking car to go to the airport. And as I look at my phone, bing, your flight is delayed. Oh. As I'm in the fucking Uber. Right. And then I go, God damn it. Yeah.

Bumbling? No, this one's out loud. And the driver is like, what's going wrong, sir? I'm like, drive! So then I open up my fucking AirPod case. I heard a little accent from the driver. Was it a specific race? He said, is everything okay? He was just a white dude. Oh, my God.

I think a guy from Fort Worth. And I opened up my AirPod case and one of two AirPods is in there. You fucking... So when the bag fell, one of the AirPods popped out. That right there, I would have killed myself. Oh, I almost choked out the driver. Yeah, that right there would have... If he didn't have one of those cameras recording me, I would have...

With a shoelace. Right. But you know what you can do? Huh? Right, is, you know how they have those vending machines at the airport? The high-tech ones? I looked for it. They didn't have one.

Dallas doesn't have a high-tech vending machine? Not at terminal... Not at fucking gate A37. They had none of them. Right. Because I got to tell you something. It was delayed and I said, can we go back to the hotel real fast? Oh. Because my flight's delayed. Yeah. By an hour. So he goes, okay. He turns really quickly. We're only like four streets up. I go back to the hotel. I look. Nothing. It's nowhere to be found. I scoured. I scoured.

I couldn't find it. I don't know. I can't imagine. Are you on your hands and knees? Hands and knees. Are you sweating? Sweating. No mumbling? You're just out loud? No, no. I'm out loud at this point. I'm in a fucking headphone. God damn it. Does anybody find a fucking headphone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody thinks I'm crazy. So I get back. You know what would have been funny if it was already one in your ear. Where is it? Just hanging out.

I get back in the fucking Uber. I get to the fucking airport. I have one headphone in. I don't care. It is what it is. The flight keeps getting fucking delayed. And at this point, I hadn't really had anything to eat because I thought, well, I'm just going to get to the airport. I'll have something. This is today. Yeah. This is today. So McDonald's was the only thing that was near me, but McDonald's line was massive. I just was like, fuck this because it was the only thing that was open. Yeah. Like,

Like when you go to New York or like LA, McDonald's is pretty chill. But when you go to Dallas, maybe McDonald's is busy. It was a really big, I mean, dude, there was like in Moscow, like they love it. I dude. Yeah. I felt, I felt like this was like KFC in China. Do you know what I mean? Where it's like a thousand people in the line. Yeah. And so anyway, I sit down and I think, okay, I'm just going to get on the flight. They'll have food on the plane. I'll be fine. I get you. This is, it sounds fake. I get on the fucking plane and a guy is sitting in my seat.

I hate it. Dude. Yeah. I go. I calmly go. I think you're in me. I mean that. Let me ask you something. I mean. May I ask something? You say calmly. But because of the last 12 hours. No, but I approached him well. Are you sure? You're the guy. Sit there reading your iPad. Is this guy the same guy from the barbecue place? I'm not that talented. So you know what I mean? Okay. I have one or two characters. Try a different one. Wow. Yeah.

And Neil Brennan? Whoa. There's a war in Ukraine? Excuse me. Yes? I think that's my seat. No. Well, let's read this article. Zelensky. I think that's my seat. Look, that's my seat. Oh, well, can you just sit at the... Oh, okay.

Is that what he said? What did he say? He said this. He goes, the guy in front of him who looked sick or hungover or something looked wrong with him, he goes, oh, do you mind switching then? Yeah. You don't do what – you don't – listen to me, okay? You don't make the assumption that the person – so sit in your regular seat when the guy comes –

Then you ask. Correct. Yeah. I don't like that. I was pissed. I was like, that's rude. So then I can't say no. Otherwise I look like a bad guy. You have to say no. So I said, yes. So I sit in the, I sit in the seat cause it's aisle to aisle. Yeah. So fine. Whatever. It's one row back. Whatever. I go and sit down and then sure enough, a young man gets on and goes, uh, that's my seat. And I was like, what ticket did you have? I say to the guy and he goes, Oh, it was the window one. I'm sorry. And I was like,

No problem. No problem. So I scoot over. All right. And I think, God, just give me some fucking food and give me a Diet Coke so I can just be happy. Can I ask what airline is it? American. Okay. So we know the food.

No, no, no. We didn't have... This is way worse than what you think. Because the fight... The food on the way there was fucking bullshit. Terrible. It was bullshit. I said no to it. It was a cold egg sandwich. Yeah. This gets even worse. Do you know why I book earlier rows, the higher in the rows? Because I know they're going to run out of the good shit by the time they get to the back. Ah. I never even think of that. I always do that. Yeah. So that's why I had the earlier row. But now I'm in a row back. And guess what? What? It's the cutoff. So when this...

When this woman gets to me, she literally says, would you like lunch? I said, yes. What are the options? And she said, we only have one left. And I was like, what's the one you have left? And she said, shrimp salad. And I was like, what the fuck?

fuck wants a shrimp salad gross shrimp salad I won't even eat shrimp salad in the nicest restaurant in the world it's so gross the combination shrimp salad she goes yeah they took all the other the other salads are gone and I wanted to fucking murder the guy that I had to switch seats with may I ask you something

I ate fucking peanuts. That's what I fucking ate. I had peanuts up until 5 p.m. L.A. time. Can you not take the shrimps off of the salad? Oh, no. What happens to the shrimp? Oh, no, no, no, no. It's cut up and mixed in. It's mixed in. I asked that. Because shrimp is a wet thing. It's fucking gross. It seeps into the lettuce. Dear American Airlines,

Who the fuck wants shrimp on a fucking airplane? Well, if you look at the pamphlet, there's always the chef that has photo. Yeah. Well, let's call that fucking asshole. So then this is one more beat to this whole scenario. Okay, go ahead. One more beat. Yeah. So I'm like, no, thank you. It's fine. I'll just take the peanuts and a Diet Coke. Okay? Yeah.

Never got a Diet Coke. Didn't get a Diet Coke. Literally didn't get a Diet Coke. No big deal. I just fucked off. At this point, I've had enough. Okay. I've had a fucking enough. Yeah. The worst part of all this is here we are.

Sorry. This is backed up before the shrimp. We're about to take off. Yeah. And I'm on my iPad. I'm watching our good friend Tony Hawk's new documentary. Yes. Which I texted him and I was like, Tony, this is amazing. Yeah. And he was like, thank you. Have you seen it, Till the Wheels Fall Off? No. Fuck, it's so good. Okay. It's so good. So I texted Tony. Really great. I'm watching on my iPad. I lied to him. I said I did watch it though. It's already out. We already know you didn't watch it. Unless you watch it by the time this comes out. No, but I saw him last week. Oh, you lied? Yeah, I lied in front of him.

I'm going to tell him that you lied. I'm going to text him and tell him that you lied. Please don't do that. I'm about to when the show's over. This is already going to be out. Yeah, and I'm going to text him anyway. Let him find out naturally. Okay. So then I said... So then I'm watching the documentary. I'm enthralled. And I've only got one headphone in. Yeah. And the flight attendant, who is a thousand years old, comes creeping down and goes, Excuse me. Please detach the iPad from the keyboard. And I...

I even took this one out so I could hear how fucking insane this was. Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you something. Okay. So you have an iPad and you have a keyboard attached to it. Yeah. So iPads come with like a nice flip stand. It's awesome. It's like a ghost stand that like makes it hover. And the keyboard is a lot easier than typing on the iPad. I see. So it makes it like a – So what – is it illegal to have that? Okay. Let me –

So she says, can you detach the iPad from the keyboard? And I said, I can. What do you mean? I was like, we can use iPads, right? And she goes, you can keep watching on the iPad. I need the keyboard detached from the iPad for takeoff. And I turned to the man next to me and he literally goes like this. What the fuck? I've never heard of that. I fly for a living. I'm on a plane constantly. Never, never heard of that. So I say,

Okay, but can I ask why? I've literally never heard of that. And she goes, I'll tell you why because meanwhile the announcements are going on. So I detach the fucking thing and I stuff it in the fucking thing and I sit there with the fucking iPad and I'm just watching away like what could it be? She comes back to me two, three minutes later when the announcement is done and she says, I'm not kidding. Can't make this up. She goes,

I'll tell you why. Because during 9-11, she literally said, she looked around and goes, during 9-11, the guys were communicating on a keyboard, on a keyboard computer before the plane. It's actually in our handbook. And I said, no one has ever in a million fucking years said this to me. And she goes, well, then those flight attendants are not doing their job. So thank you.

By the way, lady, if you think the terrorists were communicating via iPad keyboard and that's how they crack the case on America. Let me just say something.

There were no iPads. In 2001. In 2001. Yeah, what the fuck is she talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? So I just accepted it. I took the lumps. It didn't matter. I got home. I landed. I took my fucking stupid Uber back to the fucking house and sat in Easter traffic wanting to kill myself. And I just got here about an hour after I got to my house. So really good to see everybody here. Really good to see you. And that was- So we were a little late. So did that make you angry? Yeah.

It was fine. Let me tell you something, okay? I've been on flights before. This is a little lesson to you, right? Yeah. This has literally happened where I've sat down and a mother has come to me. Hi, so me and my daughter, right, couldn't get... So can we sit there so we can sit? Because you're... And I... This...

No. No. Absolutely not. But see, do you even ask where the seats are? Do you go, well, where's your seat? I don't care. It's a no. I'm seating in A2. Yeah. Okay? It's a no. Because something might happen, like the fucking shrimp fiasco. Like what shrimp? Yeah, yeah. I don't want a shrimp fiasco, right? So I say no. And I'm not being rude. No, you're right. It's not as if the daughter's on a different flight.

And if we're going to go down, I'll hold her hand. Right. You know what I mean? It's all right, sweetie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do the thing where, you know how they say, in case the oxygen masks come down, right? Put it on your face first. And then help others. And then put it on the kid. Not me. No. I put it on the kid first while my head explodes. Right.

Yeah, yeah. So that's who I am, right? That's nice. But we're not switching seats. We're not switching seats. I assure you, lady, we're not. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, I respect that. Always say no. But I respect that. You're right. Yeah. But I have done this a thousand times on planes because I travel alone. Someone goes, my brother, my daughter, my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my husband, my wife, can I jet? Will you jet? And I always go, yeah, where is your seat? Yeah. And then when they go, it's there. And I have done, I've gone...

I'd prefer to sit in the aisle. I'm sorry. You know what it is? It's like, it's their fault. Because I booked the fucking seat! It's also their fault. It's so uncomfortable. You're trying to make us uncomfortable, baby. Yeah. When did you book

you book the flight yeah yeah who did this for you yeah why did you put you there and you there i don't want to be hacking but can we even go back to now the rules right what do you mean in terms of like how about this the window thing has to be up when you take why why yeah i want it down so when it catches on fire i can see anything i want to see the engine go i want to see it fly yeah yeah number two right the trade table has to be in the upright position why

Why? Why does the seat need to be not... It can't be back. Why? Why? Why? Andy, don't explain. If the plane crashes, I'll put... If the plane crashes, I'll put my seat back up once we crash and I'll get off the plane. Exactly. Yeah. Or my arms and my legs will be inside some other guy's face. Yeah.

And it won't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah. The rules in that fucking thing. It's absolute bullshit. Yeah. This is my favorite part. Detach the keyboard. My phone. I was texting on my phone. Yeah. By the way, the keyboard that's detached from the iPad. The iPad still has a fucking keyboard. Yeah. On it. Yeah. It's a keyboard. Yeah. The whole thing is a fucking keyboard. It's touchscreen. Yeah.

One time I was on a flight, all right? The seatbelt sign was on, right? And I had to go to the bathroom, right? There was a little turbulence. A little bit of turbs. Right. And I stand up and the flight attendant is like, excuse me, sir, right? You're not supposed to be sitting. And I said, you're standing? What are you, balance queen? What are you, a gymnast? Yeah, did you go to balance school? I have the same ability as you do. If we were on a lake on that log thing, I

win. You would win. I would win. The running. Yeah. Yeah. You sit down. You sit down. Yeah. Yeah. I hate it. No, I don't like that. I don't like it. Well, also, you know, I heard a guy one time say a woman goes, sir, you have to be seated. He goes, it's not a law. I can go to the bathroom if I want. It's, you know, it's not a law. It's not a law. Not a law. I'm going to write that down. It's not a law. George, it's not a law. It's not a law. I don't know. And so tell me what

the laws or I want to know I want to know because you know what I did on this plane yeah yeah and I do this on every flight and I've said it once I've said it on my podcast I've said it on this podcast yeah and the truth is the truth is the truth I'm six foot one the bathrooms are always very tiny exactly the toilets are kind of hard to get to yeah I pee in the sink what I pee I peed on this flight sink and you know what it was particularly because of the shrimp salad

I wasn't going to do it. I was going to be in the regular toilet, but then I thought, no. I literally was... I whipped out my dinger and I had the toilet seat up and I just looked at the sink and I said...

Shrimp salad. And I turned, I pissed right in the sink. I pissed right in the sink. I endorse that. Thank you. Can I just say something else? I love you. Why can't bathrooms in human homes, not the airport airplane, right? Have the same suction as the fucking toilets on the. Yes. I need that. I want that too. Right. What is that technology? I don't know. Yeah. It's like the devil is like, give me that shit. It's the best technology. It's amazing. Yeah. You know what? Actually, uh,

when I get like my forever home or my dream home you know what I do want Eric Andre has urinals in his house he has urinals and I was like I've never seen that I want a fucking urinal I want a urinal as well you could put one in your house I don't have any fucking room yeah yeah well I have a small house no but your bath that front bathroom you could put a urinal in there I could probably I think you should quick tip though your sink is just like a urinal at home

I know, but you know what? No, no. My sink angle isn't as nice. The reason I use airplane sinks is because at 6'1", the sink is right – literally, my balls are hovering right above the sink. Wow. It's perfect. It's almost like they designed it. It's like a guy took out a measure. He's like, his nuts will be right above it. Which means that you can see your own nuts through the –

mirror yep that's strange well and i and i swing them and i swing them back and forth yeah i can tell they're nervous like right as they brush the metal they're like whoa whoa because it'll be cold yeah and they don't want to have to climb up the rope yeah so i let them hang right above it no and you know what even though the whole the front dallas was awesome i loved it the show was great i had a great time aside from all the other shit i do fucking love dallas uh-huh the show was great i was just in my head because you want to i want to be a perfect show

And it makes it all better to know that we're here with my bad friend's family. Can I ask you this question? The weekend in general, because Friday was magical. Friday was Saturday was a disaster. No, the comedy part was amazing. So stand up is good. But all the elements around it were. So would you like from one to ten your weekend? What is it?

Friday, 11. No, just all of it. The whole weekend. Oh, right. Oh, Friday was an 11. Okay. Yeah. And Saturday was a what? Saturday was a day. It was a three. It was like a four and a half. Four and a half. Yeah. So the whole weekend you would say generally it was a seven weekend. Eight. I'll give it an eight because Friday was so magical. That's a great weekend. Yeah. No, it was good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you have a good time? Yeah, I had a good time. Tell us about your experience, Rudy. Yeah.

I really had a good time with the scooter, but while riding it, I thought that I was going to die and hit a car and then my head would...

Just fall off. She was going so fucking slow. I was scared. They go up to 20 miles an hour maybe or something like that. It says it on the little screen. I was going nine. Nine. Nine. So you have to keep stopping. And here's what's funny about those scooters that people that know. If you stop for too long or go too slow, they lock because they think you're going to park it. Right.

Right. So hers fucking locked. Yeah. And that's why. But we were like, just go. Meanwhile, Bobby was on X Games jumping in and out of the middle of the street. I love it. You did get a little close to getting in car trouble. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude.

So after Friday night, I didn't tell anybody. Where did you guys go, by the way, after the show? So we had pizza again. You had pizza again. Yeah, yeah. And then you went back to the hotel? So it was me, Adam Eget, and Trevor Wallace. We decided to go eat pizza, right? And it's pretty far from my hotel. So guess what I do? Scoot. Scoot. Zoom, zoom, right? You spent $1,000 on bird scooters. Probably, yeah. And I wiped out. You fell? Real bad. Yeah.

Yes. Because I had my MapQuest thing on because I didn't know what a hotel run. MapQuest? What is this? 04? You mean Google Maps? Google Maps. Google Maps, right? I'm at Google Maps, right? And it's dark, but there's a little light from the bird, right? From the scooter. It does have a little shiner. Right. And I hit a curb. Love it. It flipped. I slid on my stomach like this. I went like five feet. Right? But it's like nothing happened. It wasn't bad? No.

No, but I got like a little, like the wind knocked out of me. Yeah. A little kind of cuss. Right. And people saw me started laughing. Oh yeah. And then, um, anybody recognize you? Yeah. Somebody drove by and goes, no, so throws papaya. I don't know what that means. That's a little slogan from Tiger Bell. Yeah. And I, um, it went really slow after that. After that you went down to nine. No, three. I was like, yeah, cause I was like, yeah, I didn't want to do that.

You could really hurt yourself. So Rudy, give the assessment of how you did on stage, you think, because we'll tell you something. After the show, I came back in the dressing room. I was really scared. She was like deer in the headlights. She was. After the show, I immediately fell asleep because I was so tired. This is funny. Comics will talk about this.

This is why a lot of comics use drugs or drinking and everything. People want to know about like, because you come down so hard, people want to get lifted up again. So that's why sometimes comics will go out to eat or go drink, drink or go do drugs or go party because you want to feel up again because you drain all your adrenaline. All your endorphins are gone. You passed out like that. That's good. That means you did. That means you had your, you were elevated and you delivered. Yeah. You delivered, dude. The crowd was fucking. So when you first went out there, what did, how did it feel?

I was like really scared but then when I saw the crowd and then they cheered I kind of it was good see it's going to her head a little bit that's why I told her she has to get a job what are we going to do to get what job are you going to get like in campus like maybe a waiter no we got to get you a real job I can't work outside I know a guy that works for the city yeah under the table I know a guy that works for the city that paints you know that paints new lines on the streets yeah yeah and they need somebody you can paint street lines

You can hold a big paint gun? I'll try. Yeah, yeah. Okay, wow. Because she had that twinkle in her eye. Yeah, she could feel it. Yeah, yeah. She was just like, I like this. And it scared me because it's like, she's only 20 years old, right? Yeah. Now she's like, you know, it was 1,700 seats, 1,800 seats sold out. It was totally sold out. It was amazing. Full of energy. They cheered for you in my head because I feel like,

I'm kind of a parent in a weird way. You are. That's your problem. And I just kind of go, you know, she needs to get a regular job to know how hard life is. To level it out. To level it out. Because I got to tell you something. After the show, I said, you walked out to go find Adam and she was in the bathroom smoking a cigarette. Right.

and she was on the phone and I go Rudy what are you doing she goes I'm on the phone with my agent and then she put out the cigarette right like on the counter and I go Rudy and she goes someone will clean it up don't worry bitch and then she walked away and she's getting a little too a little Hollywood for me even for me

You know? Yeah. It's like when we get an Uber, she's like, no XL. She literally. I don't do that. No XL? Yes, you do. Yeah. And we're paying for it. You never pay. I don't pay. She literally goes, it's premium or black. Yeah. She goes, I don't. I won't. Somebody goes, should I just get an Uber? She goes, if you're getting a regular Uber, I'll walk. Yeah. That's how fucking fancy she is. At restaurants, you know what she does now? It's like, we'll be at a restaurant, like a steakhouse. Yeah. And she'll just go, tomahawk. Like the most expensive. The most expensive steak. The Wagyu tomahawk. I don't even.

bullshit bullshit right I don't like your name caviar tomahawk the whole thing she did she ordered the most expensive stuff at the Mexican restaurant she wanted all the nice stuff so a guy anything right there was a short muscly guy what was his name his body was muscly I forgot he was strong he was strong handsome very handsome and low to the earth very short guy he could have been

He was semi dwarf. He, yeah, he, semi. He had, he had a little bit of, he had a little person vibe, little bit of little LP in him. Yeah. Little tiny LP. It was cute. Yeah.

Yeah, he was cute. Yeah, then why did you give him a false number? You gave him a fake number. Yeah. You did. Why? Because you were like, you really don't want to hang out with him. No. So what he said was, he said, Rudy, will you go out with me? And then we made fun of him. And then Rudy was like, he is cute. And then so he came up and we said, well, okay, let him shoot a shot, I guess. He was 29. Yeah. And we were like, well, whatever. Okay. Okay.

You're 20. You can do whatever you want. So then he comes up and then he says, well, let me get the digits. Seal the deal. That's what Brian Simpson says. Seal the deal. And we both saw you were giving him bullshit. Yeah, I looked over. I go, 917? You're not in New York. What the fuck? Yeah. Because you didn't want anything to do with it.

No. Good. I mean, good. You did it the right way. You politely were like, here's my number, but obviously it's not my number. Go sit down. But he was, I thought he was cute. I thought he was the right height for you. He seemed like a nice guy. Right? So what, so you're, you really aim high, huh? What do you mean? In terms of looks. No, I just. That's what you want, higher? Yeah.

Well, explain yourself. Why did you not want to hang out with that guy? Because you did say he was cute. Maybe he could have been a bit taller. He was too short. Already. I knew that's what it was. You got to get a job. Yeah, well, you've got to get a job. That's my preference.

Yeah, but you'll do some dishwashing in the kitchen or something. You won't mind a little shorter guy. Yeah, you'll give him the right number. Yeah, you'll give him the right number just because, just in case. And then, Rudy, why don't you tell, when you got Dr. Drew on stage, our good friend Dr. Drew, who we love, and he got on stage, what did you say to Dr. Drew? I apologize for Bobby. But you're very hot. No!

That's it. That's it. That's it. He's so hot. She literally... Dr. Drew's wife, seven feet away. She's like right in the front row. She's right there. In the front row. We see her. And Jules looks at and says, you are so hot. Hi, Drew. You're so hot. Yeah. Also, can I just say something about your performance Friday night? Okay. How about it?

About my performance? No, Andre. Oh, Fancy's? No, man. I told you. Oh, Fancy. Tell them what happened. Fancy opened the show. He opens the show and I told him, do not say that I'm going to be performing after Trevor Wallace. It would have been better if he, I told him, I go, just say, here's the next comic. Yeah. And then say my name. So there's more of a surprise. But he says that we're all going to do standup before, right? No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. Yeah, if you look, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, if you look. I was nervous. I know, you were very nervous. We have to write him jokes. Yeah, we have to write him jokes. Because he gets out there and he was like, hey, everybody, and everybody cheers and he goes, hey, everybody. Hey, everybody.

Twice. I was like, you can say hi once. Yeah, yeah. One time they got it. And then there's like a weird sweat that develops on his upper lip. It was trembling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His lip was trembling with moisture. And his lips were extra moist. Yeah, so wet. Yeah, so wet for no reason at all. Yeah, yeah. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody.

And at that point, people were concerned he had a stroke. Someone was like, is he okay? Do you smell toast? Yeah, yeah. I got nervous for you because he did. We said to fans, and by the way, this is a lesson to people out there that think that stand-up and all that shit and public performance is easy. He was supposed to do two fucking minutes. He was up there for 58 seconds. 58 seconds. Less probably. I timed it. Oh, you did. 58 seconds. From the moment he got on stage, 12 of that were like cheers and hooping and hollering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he did another fucking 40 some odd seconds.

And then immediately was like, he said three things. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. Trevor Wallace. Trevor Wallace, everybody. Hey, Austin. How are you guys? Thank you. Wow. I always get really intimidated in front of you guys, but thank you for the love. So as you might know, I just became an American citizen. Thank you. So I can't think of a better place to celebrate that than Texas. Yeah.

But we just came from dinner to a place that says no guns. What the fuck? That's the whole point. The only thing I wanted to do when I, you know, got my citizenship was getting a gun. So now, anyway. But yeah, we have a great show for you tonight. Yeah. My favorite comedians will be here in a second. But before that, we have a special surprise. Yeah. And no, it's not a little black magic.

Better. One of Bobby's favorite comedians. He's such a funny guy. And he's going to come here to do a little bit of his stand-up with us. You guys might know him from Tiger Belly and his own podcast. Hey, welcome Trevor Wallace. But can I say another thing that was like really strange? And I think he might be brown magic.

Who? Andreas. Oh, why? Because remember he was on the floor, right? Because we did a questions and answers thing. Yes. And then we answered someone's questions. And then the next thing you know, he was up in the balcony. He was. He was so sneaky. Why did you get up there so fast? He had one guy say, hey, when are you guys going to make the bottoms of Turtle Island? And within seconds, he goes, we have another question up here. And we look up and Fancy's in the balcony with two women. Yeah.

Two women, by the way, that wanted to take you out. Right. They wanted to take... But the way they asked me was kind of scary. What do you mean? Like why? They sound like they were really drunk. They were high. They were high. They were very high. That happens. What's the problem? Because you're the one that you were like, you might be bi, right? Yeah. Did you say that? Kind of. There's some curiosity there? Yeah. Right? And here's another thing that I want to say about you, which was rude, what you did, Andreas, right? Yeah.

Just hear me out, okay? I'm ready for it. So you said, somebody asked that question, right? When are you going to make the bottom of the Turtle Island? That's right. They said, when are you going to make the bottom? What was Andreas' response? What was your response, Fancy? Fuck you.

Wow. No, answer it, Fancy. Did he just say fuck you to that guy? Yeah. I'm working on it. I'm working on it. He's working on it. Yeah. Wow, Fancy. He's been a citizen for one month and now fuck you. One month and he's like a real American. Yeah, yeah. He moved on. He said fuck you to that guy. Not just fuck you. Fuck you! Yeah. You fucked that guy right off. What is so wrong with that question? That question didn't deserve an answer? Yeah, why did you say fuck you to that guy? I'm working on it.

Why couldn't you have said that? Yeah. Does these movies take time? This and that, right? Way nicer than fuck you. Yeah, than fuck you. That's true. I apologize. Imagine. He's like, okay, I really love that idea. He built up all the courage. Should I say something in front of all these people? I'm going to, right? I'm going to take the risk, right? Right. So he's nervous. So what are you guys going to make about fucking?

It was so mean. So mean. And it was very unlike you. That's my whole thing with this. He's becoming, he's a new American. You know, he bought a gun while we were down in Austin because he wanted a gun in Texas. Yeah. And he goes, I'm going to stay strapped up forever now.

And I said, you can't bring that everywhere in LA. But he brought it to every restaurant. He brought a gun into Suarte and they told him to sit outside. He even took a picture of the sign that said, no guns, be cool. Right? Yes. Yes. Because he wanted to bring his strapped up gun in there. How did you feel about that night? I think it was great, except for my performance. Your performance was good. We just have to get you tuned up. If we do a Bad Friends tour next year, we just got to get you tuned up. You know what? I think I want to do it.

Do you seriously? Yeah. Because I – I think that proved to me – We can do it. We can do it. We can do it.

I think that if we mix in – like we did Friday night. We did some stand-up to let people know that, hey, we can get laughs just like anyone else. We're at a comedy festival because we want to show that muscle. 100%, yeah. And then when you sit down, it's already – we got the laughs out of the way and now we can do a podcast, which is – some of it isn't always funny. Sometimes you get into personal things. Well, we did with Dr. Drew for sure. Yeah, yeah. So I thought –

That was a really good mix. I thought it was wonderful. So we will. We'll plan a little tour and we're going to be on a bus. You want to do it on a bus? Yeah. Have you ever been on one of those tour buses? No. Where you sleep in the bunks? Where do you shower? There's a shower built into it. There's a shower built into there. Or we stop and we get a hotel in places too so we can have a room to shower and we can do both. Okay. Like some places we'll sleep in the bus. Like when you're on the road, sometimes when you're on the road, you have to drive at night. So we'll sleep. Who's driving? Oh, that's a good question. A driver. A driver.

I mean, it's an automatic bus. Not you or Bobby? Why would I? It's fucking three in the morning. Why the fuck am I driving a fucking tour bus? We'll crash the bus. Yeah, yeah. You need a guy that's fucking zooted up on uppers. Lynyrd Skynyrd. You don't want to happen to Lynyrd Skynyrd? No. Oh. We're going to do a Bad Friends tour probably maybe next year. Next year we'll do it. This year we obviously can't because I got to go back and shoot Dave at the end of the fucking year, which is so far away already. But it's going to end the year for me.

Yeah, 2020 we'll definitely do it. We'll do it. That's why I want her to get a job this summer so that next summer when we do the tour, right, that we'll let you do that. That's the goal. That's the goal I think is to get you a job that we want you to do, not that you want to do. Because if she picks a job she wants to do, it's going to be too easy. No, I want her like a hard job. What do you think we should – like what do you genuinely think we should get her to do?

I'll be honest with you. Like morning shift at a barista of a busy coffee shop. Nightmare. Is a nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. Have you ever – you've never worked at all? No. Oh, my God. You're going to collapse. Or wait tables at a really – it's got to be – because breakfast is so hard. Breakfast is – And it's a slammed restaurant. And everyone is busy. You're tired. And they have somewhere to be. And you're fucking exhausted and you don't want to be there. And you have a section that – you have 12 tables, right? God.

And you have to memorize what everyone has. You're constantly looking at your paper. People complaining, where's my ketchup? Can you fight customers? Yes. Yes, you can physically fight them. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is part of the server handbook. It does say if they cross a line with you and your lines are your lines, you're allowed to physically attack them. Yeah. But you're only allowed two attacks a day. So you got to kind of pick and choose which tables you feel like physically. Well, you can't. I'll be honest with you. Like my brother, I've gotten two jobs.

Two jobs. And Adam, you can just remind him because we were at pizza Saturday night or Friday night and he goes, remember your brother at Tempe? Oh, at the Tempe Improv. Yeah, because I got banned from the Tempe Improv. Congrats. And so my brother got- And you got banned from Cap City. We just told Austin that too. So I got banned from both clubs, right? But Tempe, because of my asshole.

Meanwhile, in Austin, you showed your asshole. That's true. Put it in the theater. You can't get banned from theaters. Yeah, yeah. So my bad. But my brother got fired from Tempe. So I begged them because my brother would go into ASU. And I go, you know, I'm a comic. I know the guy. Three days later, I'm like,

The guy calls me and he goes, I had a fire brother. I go, why? Because he tried to stab a waitress or threaten to stab. Right? Big difference between threatened and tried to stab. Oh, no, he didn't try. But he goes, I will stab you, bitch, or something like that. Well, what did she say? She goes, she complained to the management. No, how did he get to wanting to stab her?

It wasn't like, hey, can you roll silverware with me? I think his thumb was in like a sandwich. Well, that's, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I get it. But like dug in, probably. Yeah, and she's like, fuck you. And he's like, I'll stab you. Yeah, like if he committed a murder, they would definitely get their print off the sandwich. Yeah, and then the second time he got fired was Sushi Dan's.

I love Sushi Dan. Right. So I got to my job there. Dan calls me. He goes, I had to fight your brother. And I go, why? And he goes, he threw sushi at the sushi chef. Well, why? Because he yelled at my brother and my brother snapped and threw a fucking yellow tail. How funny would it be if while he's cutting, he caught it and he's like, oh. It's not Benihana, but...

All right, we're getting you a job. And we'll take suggestions, by the way. Oh, there's Bob showing the star. And thank you for covering the hole. Yeah, he covered it up. That's family right there. Fancy got so fucking nervous that you were going to open your butthole. I know. Dude, he was panicking. I mean, look at his hair, how sweaty. It looks like he jumped out of a pool. I know. He was so nervous because he was like, please don't show your butthole, Bob. Yeah. So we're going to pick... We're going to pick...

the job. Okay. But, but Bob, let's take suggestions from fans. You guys in the comments, you should comment about what you guys want Rudy to do. Uh, what job you want her to do? Cause we want to, I think we should do that. Don't you think we should take suggestions at least? Yeah. Then we'll take a final poll and whittle it down. Yeah. Does that sound good? Yeah. All right. Well, listen, we love you. We're going to do a bad friends tour. Thank you for everybody that came out to Austin. Thanks for everyone that came out in Dallas. Yeah. Uh, we appreciate you guys so much. Uh,

Bob is heading off to Oklahoma to go shoot. I'll be there for 12 days shooting the second season of Reservation Dogs. Which is a great show. And if you haven't seen it, please watch Reservation Dogs on FX. Why are you laughing? I'm being serious. Okay. I've seen, I watched the show. It was good. Those twins are fucking really good. They're really good. They're very, very talented. Anyway, go ahead, Rudy. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night, baby.

Well, do you ever feel like that as a comedian? Do you ever feel... Or a performer. Do you ever feel, why me? Sometimes. What do you mean? I mean, in the rate of success. Like, do you ever think, well, why me? Why was I chosen? You know... I'm being serious. I think the serious answer to that, without any jokes, is that I feel like when I started, I knew I was going to make a living. No, but not make... I'm not talking about make a living. Yeah. I'm talking become what you become, which is extremely successful. Honestly, I...

This is the honest truth. I feel like I'm mid-level. Bobby, you know how many people would be so angry at you for saying that? Yeah, because they're not mid-level. They're bottom level.

They're angry because they're about, but there's a higher level. So why can't I be mid-level? But there is no high level because even people at high level go, well, I'm not up here. And then those people, well, I'm not up here. So I'm saying there is either you're successful or you haven't been making a living at it yet. Yeah. And you're very successful. So I'm saying, do you ever think beyond your ability, because you're extremely talented. I'm saying, put that stuff aside. Do you ever think, was I chosen? Was I picked? Was this like part of a,

A destiny thing? Well, I... I'm being genuine. I'm being genuine too. I believe everything. And this is going to sound so cheesy. So what? I believe... And I talked to her about this, about spirituality and stuff. I say...

I said to her, I go, I just honestly believe that everything in my past was meant to happen to lead up to this moment. Right. So I believe that everything I've learned lessons, you know, and there's choices that you make. I mean, you know, when you're like when I was went to rehab before, I'm the one that went.

you know, I have to make a choice here. I'm going to go. Like you make, I could have not gone. Right. I don't know what would have happened after that. Right. But I've made the right choices at the right times. And I believe that instinctually there are parts of me that are connected to something outside of my mind.