Fish Butt Dog & White Eyes Bucko
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Hey!

Hey! We're going to Australia. That is such a good accent. Down under, mate. Down under, mate. Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Melbourne, Adelaide, Perth, and also adding shows. We're adding shows. We're adding shows. We're adding seats, bigger theaters. Bigger theaters. We want to see you guys, so come buy our tickets. We want to see you. Come see us. Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com, and also...

At badfriendsmerch.com, we have this beautiful shirt designed by this kid. I love this album, but I always thought that the baby should be me. And it is you now. It is me. Now it's a little baby Bobby. It's a legendary album, and I think you should get this shirt. So go to badfriendsmerch.com, badfriendsmerch.com. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

- This is not a play. You know what I mean? This is not like, you gotta get into costume. - Your feelings- - Yeah, I mean, this is, I'm playing me, Bobby Lee. - Yeah, this will go on the show. - You know?

Here's the thing. You don't want to wear your own merch because... Right now, I don't. Because it's his town. If he said, hey, as an option, I would have done it. Who said that? This guy. But if he was... He forced it. Like, yo, show those Nikes back in the sweatshop days. That's what he said. You know what I mean? Like, Kathie Lee Gifford attitude. Attitude. She made those kids show those Nikes? Yeah, yeah. Show those Nikes.

- I'm not selling Nikes for you white man. - Bobby, would you wear your own t-shirt? - No, not anymore. It's over now. That's over. - You're gonna make money off by selling this shirt. - We're gonna sell it out. We're gonna sell it out. - You're doing white eyes on me? - Yeah, I'll do white eyes all day to you, dude. We're gonna sell them out. All right, buddy. All right, Paco. - 'Cause you love the whites, huh? - Okey dokey, Paco.

Your attitude too? I come in here, dude, frown face, negative. You know what I mean? Aggressive, not nice. Projecting. Projecting. Exactly. You're projecting it onto me. No, he's saying you're projecting it. You're projecting onto me your bad energy, dude. What did I do? What did I say? Earlier, I was sitting there, you go, what's your vibe about something aggressive thing? What did I say? I forgot. I didn't like it. Oh, oh.

Welcome back Rudy Jules! We love you. My god. It's like family coming home. It's been so long. It's been so long. Hello. And? What have you been up to? Where have you been? I lost my passport and visa. So you came crawling back to bad friends. Can someone please get me passport and visa? When does it run out? I don't know because it got stolen. So I'm basically illegal.

Oh, so we can call somebody right now and get you in trouble. Yeah, call. I'm calling INS. Call Damien. You know Damien from INS. Yep, INS. Can you phone them? No, it's got to be email. That's not efficient. No wonder why I got so many illegals in this country. Hey, forget about it. Forget about it. All right, so who stole your passport? Who do you think stole your passport? Where did you get it? What? Nothing. Go for it. Do you blame me? Why would I blame you? Who stole it? Who stole it?

No, I was just going to say something random. Say something random. How did you lose it? What day did you know it was gone? It was on June 3rd. It says it got delivered by the front door. And then when I arrived at 5 p.m., it arrived at 2 p.m. And so when I arrived at the house, I just saw the envelope already open. Whose house? At his house? No. Your house. Your house. Someone stole it.

No, that's not a Filipino passport. He's sacrificing his own. Yeah. Wow. That's good immigrant. That's good immigrant stuff, dude. So we're going to... Throw it to me. Are you showing off? You know how funny that is that you're... Close.

Wow, dude, does this mean... Wait, oh, this is McCone's. Damn, dude, that's such a bad photo. That is such a stupid photo of you. You know what? I'm going to be positive. I haven't seen it yet, but I love you, dude. I want to be positive. I want to be real with you, dude. Check it out. So good. Dude, honestly, how many tries? No tries? No tries. You said the first take was good. They only give you one try. Yeah, yeah. Dude, let me just say something.

Do you know how to smile on command? No, he was like one half. Yeah. I'm a call. I'm from Minnesota. I'm an American. How do we get back your passport? I have to apply all over again. I have to apply for my tourist visa, my student visa, and my passport. We're going to try to help you here. Sounds like you need us more than you ever thought. Yeah. Yeah.

But can I just say something? Yeah, go on. Why is it so unfair that for a Filipino passport, you can only go to certain countries, and for a USA passport, you can literally go anywhere? USA! USA! USA! That's why, bud. That's why, bud. We have a good chant. Why? We have a good chant. You can't chant, Filipino! Filipino! It doesn't work.

But I wanna go... Where do you wanna go? Like to Europe. No, they don't want you though. That's the problem. They don't want you. They don't want you, baby. We have enough. What? We have enough. We have enough. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that seemed a little too real. Do they have hospitals in Europe? No. They don't? No. Well, then they don't want you. Yep. Hotels and hospitals. Even to go to Japan. I need a visa for Japan. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The Japanese are weary. Yeah, they're weary of you.

And why wouldn't they? When you're weary, feeling down, when tears are in. That's the Japanese. Oh, that's not even Japanese. No, it's not. When you're weary. There it is. When you're weary, feeling sad, when a tear in your eye. I don't know the rest. Very good. Thank you so much. What have you been up to, you nerd? Are you still dating that guy?

yeah yes yeah jeez i mean whoa and we already oh dude that's an easy way to say it but why did you buy another what are you talking about lady i was cleaning you bought three more jerk machines wow why like i i'll tell you why and you know i i've been at okay so check this out okay

Western bagel. Just listen to what I'm saying. Listen to my logic here. They sell sex toys? No, no, no. They don't. Just listen to my logic, okay? Western bagel. Noah's bagels, right? There's a bunch of bagel places I go every day. Different varieties. Every day different, right? Right. Because I like a change and I like different companies that make certain things. So my point is that you don't watch just one movie.

Right? Like, if I watched A Quiet Place day one a thousand times, I'd be bored. You know what I mean? That's a day a thousand for me. Right? This makes sense. It makes complete sense. Right? So I...

Okay, what I'm saying is that I like a variety of things. And I'm going to tell you this too. I found the brand that I'm going to stick with. I found my Diet Coke. I found my Diet Coke. Wow. Yeah, yeah. So clap for that. And that was the reason why I know the brand and I found the thing is because I tried all the other ones. Right. And I compared. Kind of like you. Kind of like you. Yeah, yeah. You tried girls and guys and you found what you liked. Now his is machines. He likes X machines. I love machines. He's a big machinist. Lola.

That's what her name is? I named her, yeah. Lola. And I kiss... I wash it first and I kiss it. I go, goodnight, Lola. And put it in the bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does it respond? But I... So, look. You're...

You're what are you now? What are you done with school? No, I'm already a senior in college. Oh, that's great. And I graduate next year. Amazing. Oh my God, dude. That's so weird on this show. The course of the show, you went through college. I was in high school when I started. You were a senior in high school here when you started. Incredible. And now look at you. Now you're old and haggard. You do look older. You do look older. What do you mean? Yeah, you do. You look haggard. Yeah. Yeah.

- How? - When I first saw you, I thought it was Kalilah. I go, Kalilah, what are you? And then I go, oh, Rudy. I mean, I'm not kidding you. - That's a compliment. - Well, okay. - Depends on who you ask. - Anyway, you do look older.

And your face, I can tell- Stop! You're gonna say I got fat. No. You're never gonna get fat. No, yes, you will. I know. Yeah. I know. Yeah. But I can tell now the evolution of your face. And it's gonna get scrunchier and scrunchier. And it's gonna be like a fucking box. Like yours. Yes. I have a scrunchy face. Yeah. Okay. And I'm-

That hurt so bad. But I want to be so nice to her because I want her to come back. So you're right, I have a scrunchy face, okay? I have to ask you something. You have a girl that cleans your house that isn't this girl. What are you doing? I repositioned. Yeah. You have a girl that cleans your house. It's not this girl. And somebody cleans your house and you gave her a bunch of merch from the Fully Loaded tour?

How do I know this? How do you know this? Do you know how insane this is? Yeah, how do you know this? Dude, this is such, like, the world is so small. Oh my god, so... My cousin, who you know, his friend...

is staying with someone who cleans your house. That's not what happened. He sent me a text message. That's not what happened. And he goes, Bobby gave away all his fully loaded merch and her bed was a display of Osos Poros. That's not what happened. Yes, it is. I'm going to tell you how that happened. How did it happen? Okay. Number one, when you get a gift bag, you don't want all of it. So I puck... Start over. No, no. When you get a gift bag, right? You don't... Okay. I picked...

I picked the ones I wanted. And you gave the rest to who? So there's two things I wanted. All right. The Apple ear headphones. Great. Great. Great. A little button. I like it. Right. There was a neck thing where it blows air into your neck. Love. You have one of those? Yeah. They're the best. They're the best. They're the best. Okay. And then the rest, I was like, I don't need it. So you gave it to. That's not what happened. So I called Jenna. She's my emergency. Right. So she's my number one.

But lately, she doesn't want to clean my house anymore. You don't. You. No. It's you. It's you and you know it. No, I keep asking. It's you and you know it. Let's go past it. All right? It's you and you know it. Let's go past it. Okay? But I love you like a family. Okay? But I can tell you don't want to do it as often. And it's fine. So I've had to resort to other things. I have Hispanics. All right? So that's my number one. It's a two. Good. My number three is Jenna. She sounds white.

But she's not, right? She's not. She's not. Mexican. Thank you. Kept in the Hispanic family then. Exactly. So why'd you exclude her from Hispanic? Because there's two different kinds. Right. Right. And she goes, I can't do it, but... Because I'm seeing somebody. Yeah? And she... She keeps saying how nasty my house is. Mm-hmm. Okay. Because of Ming. Oh. You know. Yeah. Pees on everything. Right. Right? And Jenna goes, I can't do it. So then she goes, I have a friend. You remember...

And I go, I don't know. Well, Bloop Bloop is available. And I go, who's Bloop Bloop? And she's like,

Well, she's trustworthy. She comes over. Now, I had gotten the box from the broke-wrenching thing. And I had, you know, when you get a box, you don't fold things. You do this. Yeah. Dig through it. You dig through it. And I throw things, right? I'm digging through it, right? Oh, earful. Dig, you know, dig, dig. So it was like an IED went off in there. She comes over and I go, you got to organize. She goes, oh. And I go, but you know what? Just throw it away. She goes, well, I can take it.

You want this stuff? Great stuff, by the way. Great company. Essos. Essos? Yeah. Essos. Whatever. Por ossos, right? Great company and great tour and great people.

I'm just not going to wear it because, you know, I mean, I don't want to promote liquor, right? Smart. Very smart. Let her promote it. So she took it all. Yeah. And that's the last I thought I would ever hear from it until now. It's amazing. How the world goes around. Isn't that crazy how small the world is? The other day, you know what I ran into? Your family. Yeah, you did. I'm at a coffee shop, right? And then I hear, hey. I look over. It's a family member of yours. It's my sister. Yeah, I don't want to.

You can say my sister. Your sister. I have a sister. And her hunky. I'm ooh la la. Be honest. Honk a machine. Just like the Northman. Right. You're just standing with a fucking Alfred coffee. Hey. Hey. I go, hey. When I'm around guys like that, I do a half hug. Yeah, you do. And I put my hand against their chest. I go, hey.

Right? Just to have the leverage. Yeah. Unless they get, so if they get aggressive. Right, just in case. Just in case. You see my mom and my dad? I saw your mom. I saw your wife's parents too. Mm-hmm. And it was like I ran to them. Did they tell you? Yeah. I ran to them as if they were my own family. That's very sweet. Hugs. You did give a lot of hugs, I heard. I hugged everyone. Okay. People were shocked to see you in public. My mom was like, Bobby goes outside? Yeah.

That's literally what my mom said. Does Bobby go outside often? I know, because when you're dating people, they want to go outside. You have to go outside. They're like, I don't want to go outside. And they're like, well, then I'm going to see somebody else. So I go, I'll go to the beach or whatever it might be. I've been doing all kinds of weird shit. You're outside. I went to Universal and did the wind machine. What? Because of her. You went to Universal Studios? I took a class and everything.

I was sitting in a class taking notes about like what to do and what not to do. Like you're not ready to do the flips and the rolls. Put your hands out like this. Feel the air. You know what I mean? And then all the symbols of like, I mean the hand gestures. Did you really fly? Yeah, I flew. But my point is that you went at Universal City, the mall. You got suspended in a vacuum machine. It's not a, you didn't fly. Go ahead. No, I don't want to go. Dude, go ahead. You starting it. Yeah, guy.

I'm gonna tell you this right now, dude. And before there were jokes. Before there were jokes, okay? This is not a joke, okay? I will not do your movie. This is not a joke. This is not a thing. In fact, anyone listening right now, when you watch his zombie movie, you will not see me in it because of what he just said just now. That's right. All right? I will not. I refuse to. You fly beautiful. No, no. You can't. You can't. You can't. It's over. It's over.

Anyway, I did fly. I'm a flying machine. You saw my family and got coffee. It was nice. It was really nice to see. Everyone was in my house for 4th of July. It was a little overwhelming, I'm not going to lie. We have a lot of family. Having everybody over at your place is tough. And everybody wants something. Everybody wants something. And you don't want to... What do they want? Give me the three things they want. I'll be the guy. Food. I'm your assistant. Okay, food. We'll get food. I don't have an assistant. Let's just say I am. Food.

Call me, um, Joe. Just Jiminy. Hey, Jiminy. Boss, boss. Hey, boss. Hey, Jiminy. Hi, boss. I have my notebook. Why is your shirt still on? Oh, sorry, boss. You know I want your shirt off when you walk around the house, bud. I know, I know. But the marshmallows you told me to put on my body, right? I mean, you already licked them off, so I just thought I could... I asked you to get new ones. Why do you think I want you to go to the grocery store? You're supposed to put marshmallows all over your body every day. I'll be right back, boss. Thank you.

Look at my little Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Hey, boss. I got a note back. What does your family need here? Food. Food. F-O-O-D, food. Good. Yes. Alcohol. Lots of alcohol. A. Yeah, that one you can't spell, can you? Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Good. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I know what that means, the A. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then C, B, C, three. Three.

Sunscreen. Sunscreen. Oh, yeah, because the white albinos. Albinos. Okay, I'll be right back, boss. Thank you, Jimmy. That's not a lot. It doesn't seem like a lot. No, that's not. It's just everybody, you know, you got to host. You have to be a host. Being a host is hard. You'll never host at your house. I've hosted. Have I not hosted for Christmas? I think Kalilah hosted. Boom! You didn't do shit. I hosted. You tried to help. That's hosting. How? What did he do? Like...

Be honest, be real for once. - Your energy? - Dude, that's, you know, look up hosting, dude. No, don't, I was just kidding, right? But I assume that hosting energy has a lot to do with it. You need 60% energy. - 60%? - When you're hosting. - No. - How many percentage? - I have zero energy 'cause you're doing for others the whole time. - Oh, I save my energy for the host and that's why I don't leave the house. - That's right.

Every year I'll help the host, so I just save it. You help the host. But now you have to be the host because you're home alone. I do host. You're home alone, kid. Fuck hosting then. You're right. Anyway, are they gone now?

Yeah. Everybody's gone and it's so quiet and nice, but I had to remove a couch cushion last night because my dog had anal secretions all over the couch cushions. Oh, our dogs do that. I hate it so much. Fish butt. Fish butt. It stinks, dude. It's the worst. Why, dude? It's a brand new couch. Why what? She's only done it when she's in her little bed or something, but for some reason she jumped on the brand new couch, the fireworks are going off for the 4th of July, and she was...

Because she was scared. I know, dude, but be scared in the bed. Secrete on the bed. Now it's all over the couch. So what'd you do with the- I got fish butt couch. I set it on fire. No, you didn't. What'd you do with it? I burnt my house down. Because of Ming and the pee, I'm fingering- I want to know what I have to do. Okay, so I had to call the manufacturing company that made our couch that we just bought it from, and they have a special solution that I have to use to clean it. You can just spray it with a- Nah, dude. No, you can't. That shit is in.

is in the fucking, it's in the cow. - But eventually dries out and turns into flakes, little fish flakes. But doesn't it? That's just, okay.

No, it's in there. I just spray. I think that's the right thing. I don't even wipe. I just spray. And that's why people are coming over saying this is gross. It's pretty gross. Yeah. You need to clean this up. But isn't, I want to ask, I'm being real. I haven't Googled it yet. Isn't there something that comes over with equipment and just fucking cleans your couch? Yeah, but that's like a big deal. That's like a whole couch clean. That's like you talking about when they, when they, when they. Yeah, I want that. Someone did that to your other couch, Tito Bobby.

Don't you remember? Yeah, the Stanley Steamer. You got a Stanley Steamer over there. But let me tell you something. Yeah. I just am learning about, you know, that's called expressing the anal glands of your dog. You have to express the glands when they clean them. Did you do it on your own? I did. Like you went in? I learned how to express online. Wow. What do you have to do? Well, wait, what is that? Is that it? Yeah. Wait a minute. Go back. That's it? Yeah. Zoom in. Did you do that?

Because if you're not doing that, you're not doing it. Well, see, I... Oh, you use your penis? You don't use your penis. Wait, wait, wait, seriously, is that really it? Yeah, that's it. Because it said on this one thing that I read that if you just put your lips up to it, you just go... Oh, yeah, that, yeah.

Yeah, they... Look at what a dog's face looked like when you have to open up its tush. Look at how embarrassed that guy is. I know. Look at how embarrassed that poor guy is. Well, then wear pants, guy. Yeah, it's not our fault you're naked, dude. I know, you know, guy. Yeah, I learned how to express the anal glands. It sucks. Let me see. If you were expressing my anal glands, I wouldn't see my look. Yeah, look at what your face would be. Look. Yeah. Same look. Side by side. What do you think? I do, yeah, it does suck.

So you did it on your own? Yeah, we got that fish butt gown. You have to.

We tried it with our dog, but it was too hard. It is hard. But the woman who does her grooming, she's going to come and she said she's going to do it end of this week. But is it because of stress? Why did they do it? Dogs have it for all sorts of reasons. Some people at home, send in your suggestions of why your dog has fish butt. Some dogs because they're stressed. Some dogs get it because they're old. Some dogs aren't expressed enough. Dude, what if fish get dog butt? I thought, right? What if fish get dog butt when they're stressed out? Yeah, they might. Yeah, yeah.

Interesting. They really might in the ocean. In the ocean, yeah. But we can't get there to smell it. Yeah.

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Hey, everybody. We're doing a Bad Friends live show. It's called Scary Times USA. Scary Time USA. And how do you watch it? Go to moment.co slash badfriends. It's Thursday, October 24th at 6 p.m. We're going to have exclusive merch available for it. So Bad Friends Scary Time USA. Hey, dude. America, dude.

Yeah, live stream. October 24th at 6 p.m. PST. We're live streaming it. So join us at moment.co slash badfriends. We'll also be hosting an interactive VIP after party after the show. And active patron members can join the VIP after party for free. Scary Times USA. Have you ever seen a chicken's butt? Wait, what? A chicken's butt? Yeah. What? It does the mouth. It does the... What do you mean? It's got lips? Whoa, what is that? No.

No, not that. Just a tiny one. Is that a sack? What is that? A hemorrhoid? Yeah, it's a swollen one. Yeah, go to a regular one. Do not a fucking swollen one. That's the chicken's butt? That's it? What's wrong with that? Yeah, what's wrong with that butt? No, I'm just saying in the Philippines, we would like... Oh, Filipino chickens. Here we go. Here we go. What happened to the Philippines with chicken's butts? Because we had chickens and then my uncle would show us like, oh, look at this. And then he would grab the chicken and he would like...

On the butt. It'd blow on its butthole? Yeah, and then the lips would... And then the butt would be like a lips. Like... I know. Can I just say, theoretically though, I think all buttholes when somebody's blowing does that. Well, come here. Let me try. No, no. We've done that before. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But... He's like, look at the chicken's butt. Woof, woof, woof.

But who was the first Filipino dude to do that? And this has got to have been going on for centuries. Yeah, yeah. Some guy had to try it the first time. Look at this. This is a Filipino girl. This is what happens when you blow on a chicken's butt. Let's see it. Let's see. So, okay, I want to... Do all the people like... Okay. Okay, that's the... No, rewind it. Yeah, we want to see it. We want the blow. We want the style. No. Okay, here we go.

Alright. Okay. Okay, that's that's the... See? Yeah. Oh, I see. It's doing it! It's doing it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see it. Okay, so you have to blow on it. Okay. Watch, okay? No, don't zoom out. Come here. Oh, it did an extra thing. Don't you guys have toys? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, dude. Okay.

That's incredible. That's like a popular thing. Instead of fucking Xbox, you guys have that in the Philippines? And you're wondering why you need a passport to go to Europe. This is why. That's what you guys do, huh? Why can't I get into Japan and Europe? Because you guys blow in chickens' assholes. You lunatics. It's lunatics. That's insane to do that. That's a fun game. It was. Until now. That's interesting. I wonder why the chicken does that, their butthole. Yeah.

Well, it's ready for something. I know. I wonder what happened if I put my penis in there. Look, he's kissing me. Blow me kisses. Also, can I just say something? What a large butthole for a bird? Well, it got big. Oh, yeah, yeah. It got big. It stays tight, but it gets big. What have you been doing? Have you been blowing in buttholes? Nothing. Just work.

Where are you working now? Still at school. You're working at that school? Yeah. I thought you quit that job. I'm still doing it. Can I just say something? Wow. You work hard at work, right?

I'm the best. You're the best, right? Yeah. It's such an easy job and I'm getting paid for it. Oh, so mine's arduous and rough. Yeah. It's like 10 times worse. Why? Because you have to move. You have to clean shit. You have to do everything. Yeah. That sounds worse. That's fair. That's fair.

Now is it also that you like that school job? What is it now? It's at the bookstore? No. Administration office. Yeah. You like it, I bet. It's just so easy. It's just like... You don't do anything. Not do anything. How many do you get recognized? A lot?

No, but it's like the chairs of like departments and then they want bad friends. Yeah, they know about bad friends and then they're like old people and they're nice to you. Yeah, they're nice. Old, old. How old? 50? 50, yeah. Like the Bobby's. Not old. Not old.

Look at me, dude. 80 years old. Well, don't do that. Don't shake your tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a... Yeah, but... Does this seem old to you, dude? Yeah. Huh? Yeah, but they know the podcast. Well, that's good. And do you get... Do you blush or are you like... Do you step into the role? I blush. Oh, you do? And I just like try to hide. What color are you when you blush? I'm still yellow and brown. Just more yellowy brown? Yeah. Yeah.

What I've enjoyed about you over the years is that you've gotten more confident now in every area of your life. Cocky even. Yeah, yeah. Because you used to be so timid. We talked about one time you sang that song at Christmas and you cried. Yeah. I don't think you would cry now. I don't think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it took a while. I was so scared of you. You came out of your shell. Yeah, yeah. You were scared of him for a long time.

Why? I'm just a little guy. Because you have so much energy. I do. It's like overpowering. Very overpowering energy. I get it. Well, when you sleep for 15 hours, you store up a lot of energy. He's like a Pokemon. He's just waiting to explode. Anyway. You have no summer plans? You're going to work all summer? Let's give you a gift to go somewhere. Where? Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go?

Can you just pay for my surfing classes? Or when they import you back to the Philippines, learn there. That's also true. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when they kick you out of this great country. I don't want to go back. Let me tell you something, buddy. Donald Trump's going to get in and kick you right back to where you belong, pal. He's going to win. Really? There's no doubt. There's no doubt now. No doubt. Joe Biden lost a tooth in the last speech. He just had tooth fat.

Falls out of his head. Yeah, yeah. It's incredible. It's crazy. Can I ask you guys something? Not politics, but anything else like that. Yeah, what? Have you guys heard of soaking? I keep seeing it on TikTok. Are you soaking? No. Do you know what it is?

Yeah. Why are you asking about it? Do you not know what it is? I kind of know what it is, but I'm asking you guys because you guys are older. We're OGs. We know what soaking is, dude. I invented soaking. I get so tired I can't pump anymore. So I go, let's just soak for a while. That's Mr. Soaker. I'm Soak Dog, dude. 2020, dude. Soak Dog. So you have someone to...

Have you ever soaked? Wait, wait, wait. Let me stop that. What do you think soaking is? She's right. She's talking about a bouncer.

What? You're talking about a bouncer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, a bouncer. Bouncer. Yeah. Let me check your ID. You need a bouncer. I thought soaking was something else. No, you do know what soaking is, but when you put it in and you let it soak, you need someone on the underside of the bed to push up. Someone's got to be the bouncer. Oh, I see. Someone's got to raise the roof. I see. Right? Yeah. The Mormons do this. And Brad Williams. My legs won't touch the ground. Anyway, um...

Yeah. So what? So why are you doing this? No, I just see it so much on TikTok. But what do they show on TikTok? What do you mean? Like, like they go to like a Mormon like school. Yeah. And then they ask like these like college students like, oh, do you know what's soaking? So what is soaking on TikTok? It's when a couple. Yeah. They don't have sex. Yeah. They just do that. Like on the position on the bed, the girl is soaking.

doggy yeah that guy is standing yeah and they're close and then there's another person who's doing the bouncing or like that's not soaking no soaking is when you put it in but you don't move yeah it goes in and doesn't move look it up on fucking what do you call it yeah yeah

- What? - Soaking's where you put it in and you don't move. - That's what I think soaking is, right? - Well, I just learned it this week. - Yeah, but that's not, you're learning it wrong. Stop getting your information from TikTok and YouTube, man. All right, we'll tell you the truth. - On YouTube. - Yeah. - I looked it up on Pornhub. - All right, stop, let's not talk about that. - Well, can we? - Yeah, no, stop, no, stop. - All right. - Anyway, anyway. - We're not gonna show it. - Anyway, yeah, um.

Soak dog you're wild dude. You're wild right now. Yeah problem here sexual practice on Wikipedia Yeah, I like edging my favorite I edge and I soak sexual practice of inserting the penis in the vagina but not subsequently thrusting or ejaculating report Reportedly by using some members of the Church of Jesus Christ Latter-day Saints LDS Mormons They don't it's not common, but obviously it's enough to be on Wikipedia. So clearly wait wait wait the Mormons support it then no, they just all do it and

And they just stick it in and then they just carry it. I mean, what do they say to each other? We be soaking. Oh. Joseph Smith was a known soaker. Oh, really? I think when he found the tablets, he was soaking. Oh, really? He was soaking then? He was soaking back then. Whoa. He been soaking. Yeah, yeah. My dog been soaking. Yeah. Anyway, um, we'll...

that's what i've learned are there other things you things you've learned you know you know what i soak pans after i've used them that's what i soak okay pal you perv i soak a pan after i cook in it yeah okay perv perv say it again bob perv what else are you learning um i've learned on tick tock about rat boy summer rap boy summer rat like rat boy summer yeah what's a rat boy summer

It's like car. It's like Carlos's face like What? Okay, now we're getting I'm getting on board. Like that's like That's like Carlos. Yeah, you do kind of look like a rat Carlos. And that's like trending right now like white boys that look like rats. I thought it was handsome. And they're like really like attractive to girls. So who's a good rat?

Timothy Chalamet. Those guys from Challengers. I mean, the guy in the back legitimately looks like a rat. But he's so hot. Let me guess who a rat boy would... Lionel Messi. Rat boy? No. Not a rat boy. Okay, I'm just throwing it out there. He's too old. He's a mouse. He's a mouse. Very good. Is Pete Davidson a rat boy, Summer? Yeah, he's a rat boy. Why him? It has to be... Like, their bone structure is like...

Like they're so skinny and just like- That kid, what's that kid, Barry Keoghan? Rat boy. Oh, he's a rat boy. He's a rat boy summer. Yeah, rat boy summer. You're not a rat boy summer. We're fucking old. We're rat men. We're splinter. You're splinter. Oh, I'm splinter summer. You're splinter. I'm a splinter summer. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. These guys are rat boys. I see. But they're so handsome. No. That Barry Keoghan guy looks ratty too. Yeah, I see it now. Yeah, yeah. All these guys are rats. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, that's a rat for sure. So it used to be white boy summer. Now it's rat boy summer. Rat boy summer. That's trending. But you don't like white boys anyway. But that's the thing. Oh, shit. Are you starting to like white dudes? Yeah, they're rat boys. Wow. I'm waiting for the panda summer. Because that panda summer, then I'm going to be in. And I'll be the red panda summer. I'll be right after you. Yeah. Why can't there be an animal that I resemble that's going to have? Can we have a summer? Yeah. Why can't you guys have an orangutan summer for me?

I'm just throwing poop at girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a hot trend for you now. Yeah, that's on TikTok. Your whole life seems to be revolving around TikTok now. I TikTok like almost every day. How many hours? Go to your usage or whatever and see how many hours you're on TikTok on average a day. Does your generation go to the movies? Yeah, me and my boyfriend go. So what have you seen with your boyfriend? The Studio Ghibli one, Boy and the Heron. It's like a re...

Yeah, but still, she went and saw it. That's something to do. Inside Out. How cute was that? You saw it? No, I want to go see it. It looks so cute. I like the first one. They're all great. Everything they make, was that Pixar? They don't miss. They don't miss. What's your favorite one? What do you mean they don't fucking, what are you shaking your head at? There were a couple misses. Give me a miss. Cars 2.

They're nowhere near as consistent as they once were. Cars 2? The Good Dinosaur, Miss. They made two of them? Yeah, they made three of them. I know. You ever saw Cars? I never even saw the first one. I saw Cars, the original. I didn't see the first one. It was so cute. Yeah, OG's good. Yeah. What's your favorite one? I know mine. Of all time? Pixar.

I mean, bring up the Pixar movie so I don't, because sometimes I'm confusing Pixar with what's the other one? DreamWorks? DreamWorks, because they do the same fucking shit. All right, so for me, I think, me, I'm not going to look at the list. My number one, WALL-E. Yeah, I know my number one forever. And my number two is probably the first Incredibles. Yes. Insane. Oh.

You didn't like them? No, I did, but I'm just saying Toy Story is the goat of all goats. It's the greatest fucking story ever told. That's a good one, yeah. Okay? And Finding Nemo, home run. Oh, yeah. Okay, here's a miss. You're right. Lightyear, stinks. Monsters, Yoon, amazing. Okay. There's a lot of bangers, although I'm not a Ratatouille fan, but a lot of them. Which ones are what the fish was like, where am I? That's all of them. That's every movie. No, there was one where Ellen was...

Finding Dory. Finding Dory. That's one, right? Where am I? That's a follow-up. Okay. That wasn't as good. I like that one. Nemo. Okay. Luca.

That was a Spanish one, right? Italian. Same, same. Close. Up! Oh, loved. We talk about it. It's too good. It's the best of all time. Coco is great. And you know what? Even though she's red, I know no one would like Brave. I get it. Yeah, that's the junk one. Well, it's proof that red people can't lead a film. They can't. No, I know. I'm looking right at it. There's no Korean leads on there either, bud.

Yeah, there is, man. Which Korean film did they make? The Fat Guy from Up. He's not a lead? The Fat Guy from Up? The kid. He's Filipino. He's Filipino. Bring up the fat kid from Up. He's not Filipino. That's Korean. He's not Korean. Yeah, he's Korean. Look at him. No, he's not. Look at it. Look at it. He's, first of all, if anything, that's... Look at that face. That's fancy. He's Spanish for sure. There's no doubt. You think he's Spanish? For sure. 100%. You don't have one then, huh? You have Mulan. We have the whole movie, Mulan. All right.

That's not Korean. I know, but it's Asian. No, you got to have Korean. Koreans can't lead. Redheads and Koreans can't lead. That's why we're doing this fucking podcast for so long. You're right. We're stuck. Wait, what is this? Turning Red? Turning Red and then there's the short film. Turning Red. What do they drink? A beer? What is that about?

She turns into a... A furry monster. Yeah. Again, that's me and you. Yeah. I never saw that. Did you see that? That's you and me, dude. That's us. That's literally our movie. Someone make artwork with that. That is 100% us. Why haven't we made that artwork yet? Somebody online, make that. That couldn't be obviously more us. That's insane. That's us. That's bad friends. It's real good.

Alright so we'll give you surf lessons for the summer That's fine McCone has to go out there and film it and surf with you though Cause I wanna see it I don't wanna pay for something and not be able to see it I wanna know that you're out there doing it And you're trying Oh so McCone is gonna surf with me No he's just gonna film you surfing cause I wanna see the progress I wanna know you're doing it And I'm not gonna fucking go to the beach I can't go to the beach Can McCone come with me and surf No he can't film and surf You like McCone

Good guy, right? Yeah. Yeah. That didn't sound good. Yeah, I like him. He is nice. He'll go out there. He can't surf. No. You can't swim, McComb. I can swim. Dude, you should see. He's such a bad swimmer. He looks so dumb when he swims. Yeah. He flails his arms. We don't have oceans. Yeah. Have you been watching The Worst Roommate on the second season? No. Why? I'm just not interested. What do you mean? It doesn't appeal to me. Roommates? Yeah. Yeah.

What don't you like about roommates? I don't have any. You've never had roommates in your life? Yeah. I want to try having roommates. When I stopped having them. You have a roommate.

No, like my age and then like fight with them and just like go crazy. I want to try that. Okay. Or like if you know, it'll drive you crazy. You should get someone your own age. You should live with someone your own age. Because my friends, they had roommates and it's always like chaos. Yeah, because there's always so there's money. Come on. Cone's got roommates. How many roommates do you have? I have three other roommates. You hate them. I'm tired of living with other people. I know.

I get it. Are you making enough money now that you don't have to live with other people? I actually just got the keys to a one bedroom. Are you serious? So we got you a one bedroom. Thank you. Yeah, that would be the nice thing to say. I had a roommate, Kalisto Hernandez. Kalilo's full name was Kalisto? Kalisto Hernandez, him and I lived in Silver Lake together, right? And he was this kind of guy.

Now back then, I wasn't on MADD. I was a struggling open mic comic. What year is this? 97? Yeah, you're not going to find them online. So Kalisto Hernandez, we would walk into a bar

And women, this is how handsome he was. Women would just walk up to him and just make out with him without even introducing him. Was he an actor or something? No, he was just like this Hispanic guy that was very handsome back then. Where did you find him? I met him in San Diego back in the day. Doing? He was an actor. We were kids. We played chess. So he was an actor. Yeah, I can see that.

- How do? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's one of those, okay, he's one of those guys where I always told him, I go, "He's good at everything, but not great." So he was in a band, he was an actor, then one day he was like, "I'm doing oil painting." You know what I mean? He was like one of those guys. - He's a jack of all trades, master of none. - Master of, yeah, that, that, jack of all trades, master of none. - Master of none. - But I used to tell him, I go, "Dude, just focus on acting. "You're a good looking, you're a good actor." - Yeah. - That's something to play in "Ball Ball," it was good, you know what I mean? But he would, what?

No, he wasn't. Yes, he was. No, he wasn't. I mean, as a kid, I remember buying tickets and going to the Balboa with you in San Diego and watching him do this Hispanic play. And he walked out, and he had a bunch of kind of Hispanic lines. I was like, oh, that's pretty good. Me gusta, me gusta, whatever. Me gusta, me gusta. You know what I mean? He came out. Yeah, and I was like, oh, he has a future. Boss, boss, the plane, the plane. The plane, the plane, yeah. And then we move up here, and he just was focused on too many women. Yeah.

So he was hooking up with too many chicks. He had no, I could, I've never seen anyone with no money, dirty, right? But get so many, I got, I got nothing. So I get on Matt TV, right? So I move out. And then he goes, hey dude, my dream is to open up a skate store. He goes, can I have money? I go, you know what? I'm going to help you with your dream. I gave him 10 grand, right?

And then I walk into the skate store six months later and I pick up a shirt and I go, "Dude, I want this shirt." He goes, "Okay, dude, that's $39.95, whatever." And I go, "Dude, I gave you..." He goes, "I know, but that's not... I'll pay you." I go, "But can I just have it?" He's like, "No, no, no. You gotta pay $39.95, right?" So that's the first thing.

What's so funny? That is that's hilarious. Would that make you mad? Yeah, so I go alright here's $39.95, right? So here's here's what really made me mad. Mm-hmm The shop closes and my brother was working there at the shop. It closes then a year later He found his dad on like ancestry.com or something. He was adopted in Mexico. His dad was super rich and then like a year after that his dad just died and

And left Kalisto hundreds of thousands of dollars, right? Where's your 10 grand? Then three years after that, I run into him. I go, dude, I heard you got the money. Yeah, I drank through it. He's an alcoholic. He had nothing. And I just was like, yeah, fuck you, dude. I love him. I love Kalisto. I had a roommate. So then there we go.

I had a roommate who swore, like lived and died by the book, The Game from Neil Strauss. Do you know who that, do you know what that is? I know. Do you remember that book? Dude, I met Neil Strauss. Huh? George is like that. George read that book? He looks like a guy that read that book. He was obsessed with it. Wow.

Dude, that validates everything I thought about George. Dude, dude. I read that book. I read the book, right? Not one girl. All the chicks. And then I did a man cow in Chicago. Neil was on the show with me. And I looked him in the eyes. I go, you're fucking...

Garbage you bought the book. It didn't work shit, man. I got nothing. But some people, it worked for George. It didn't work for George either. No, he failed. I saw him fail so many times. For people that don't know, Neil Strauss wrote this book called The Game, and it was basically a way of negging. It's the secret to negging, truly. It's like pretending you don't care, kind of insulting girls. It's negging them. So one of the things in it is, if you see a group of girls at a bar,

And the one you like, right? Don't pay attention to her, right? Be nice to the other three, right? And then kind of rip her apart a little bit. Yeah. That hairstyle's 80s, huh? And then go back to the girls, right? Supposedly that's going to get their juices flowing. It doesn't work. They spit in your face. I had a girl spit in my face. The key is to be good looking. There it is.

Fuck him up. No, no, don't leave. Fuck him up. Just beat his ass. How many fucking slams are you going to do this fucking episode? How many slams? It wasn't about you. Huh? It wasn't about you. I'm tired, man. It's late. It's like...

So many slams, dude. That's a lot of slams. A lot of slams, dude. I'm saying if Brad Pitt is doing it, it works. You're the slam king today. Yeah. This roommate. Go ahead. I've told you about this guy. So he read the game. He was incessant about the game. A very interesting dude. He owned vending machines. Lucrative, no? Lucrative? Yeah, dude. But the back of his station wagon would have boxes of chocolate and potato chips in it. Yeah.

And in the summer, the chocolate would melt in his trunk. It was fucking insane, dude. And he would just have cases of shit. So he bought these vending machines with other guys, and he would go around, and he'd forget to fill them up. And then he had a guy that came and stayed with us for a while, one of his closest friends. And he won a Toyota Matrix in a gambling, in like a Texas Hold'em competition. And then the best part was-

One time I came home, this kid was a maniac. We had shitty old carpet. This was a dog shit apartment in Culver City. And we had carpet. And one time I came home and half of the living room carpet was ripped up. All the nails were like ripped out of the floor. And I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, there's hardwood floor under here, man. And I was like...

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you have to fucking fix it. He's like, no way, man. I'm going to get this, that landlord, that woman. I'm going to get, not what was her name? Naughty. I'm going to get her to fucking do the floors. I was like, no, you're not, dude. You idiot. Now they're going to charge us for this shit. I'm not paying for this shit. So he goes, fine. So he ripped all the carpet off and then he redid the wood floors. He had them pay him.

They looked real good. - Yeah, good! - I mean, for how shitty the place was. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He was such a weird animal. I came home one night late after being out-- - What if you saw like a Riddler's map? - Yeah, oh, I would follow it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - One night I came home after doing shows and I smelled something really, like I smelled gas in the house. I was like, man, something smells weird. It's like it's gas. I go into the kitchen. We had an old 1930s, those old big stove tops.

The burners were on. Two of the burners, super high, burning. You could hear it hissing. I go to turn it off and I'm like, yo, yo, is anybody cooking? I go in his room. He's almost naked. He's almost butt naked reading a book with candles all around him. And I go, dude, you left the fucking... He's like, oh, sorry, man. I lit candles. This is the guy I lived with for fucking two years. When I lived with Kalisto, my brother calls me from ASU.

And my brother goes, dude, I'm moving to LA. Right? I go, no. No, you're not. I'm coming. My brother ends up at my house. I go, where are you going to live? He goes, with you. So he built this Cambodian like hut in my closet. He got bamboo from somewhere. He built like a little thing. Your brother turned into Alien Gonzalez. Yeah. And my brother would just sleep for years on this like bamboo hut closet.

thing that he built in the ground in your closet in my closet like so I'm laying in bed I didn't have a bed frame it was just a mattress on the floor yeah you know what I mean and I could see my brother's like head sticking out of the closet at night right but then I had this I had a girlfriend her name was Amy Esikov

I can talk about it. She was someone I was seeing. And she lived with me for a couple of months. And it was the worst. And your brother. Yeah, my brother, right? Because me and Amy would start making out, and my brother would go, I can hear you. Nightmare. Nightmare. And this went on for years. And also then you're like, you're also hitting open mics. Yeah. And you're going, you know, it gets to a point where it's like,

I can't do this for another year or I'm going to have to quit. Or I don't know what I'm going to do. Yeah. It just got to that point. And some of us go, we do everything we can to get out. I think that's what I did. The breaking point. The breaking point. Like, I got to do something. You know what I mean? Yeah, I had roommates for so long, man. But to the worst roommate ever, the show is four episodes. You know what it is? Yeah.

And these nightmare roommate situations. And they're really interesting, dude. They're really fun to watch. I mean, it's endless. The amount of stories. Yeah. I mean...

First of all, I shared a bathroom with a couple... One bathroom with a bunch of other guys. Oh, my God. It was like a... It felt like I was in a hospital or something. You can't have a bath, right? Bath? Yeah. You should have seen it, dude. It was disgusting. It was repulsive. People would come over. Like, we'd have parties. Like, girls would come over and stuff. We'd have parties. And girls wouldn't want to stay because they had to pee, but they didn't want to pee in our bathroom. It was so fucking... No one cleaned it? They don't have the...

No, not everyone is a rich little Filipino immigrant, okay? Yeah, yeah. Not everyone is spoiled rotten. Don't you just need a brush and then water and then just brush and scrub? It sounds easy. It sounds easy. But it's not. You don't want to pluck another man's pubes off the fucking, right? If I lived with you, I'd see red pubes. Everywhere. I'm not going to scrub that off. And I shed. I shed.

I shed like a golden retriever. These things fall off all day long. Yeah, there's a freckle on me. See, the lobby doesn't shed. I don't know. I get off the couch, there's pubes and freckles everywhere. And a little bit of sunburn. You wouldn't be able to live with me, right? Would I be able to live with you? Yeah, in a 50,000 square foot house. Where we have separate wings. But do you think we could live, though, a year? Think about it. Easily. At this stage in your life. A studio apartment.

Right? Two beds, studio apartment, one bathroom. Sounds like a Japanese game. I know. Two men, one a bathroom, studio apartment. I know. But do you think you could do it? Oh, no. Because of how we are now? Yeah. Years ago, no. I don't think we could do it now. We could. Psst.

Day four, we would be at it. We wouldn't see each other. Oh, that's right. You're always on the road. I would book myself on the road. We'd be gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd be fine. Yeah, and then- And you know what? Fuck it. I think you and I should do at least- We should do a year of living together. Yeah. For the sake of this show. You think so? Yeah. If we have a final season of this show, it should be you and I living together. But I bring my three cats, and you bring your dog. Fine. See what happens. Love it. In one studio apartment. I think we should add more dogs and cats. It should be-

- Oh, like a Dr. Doolittle situation. - I'd love that. - Yeah. We call it our arc. - The arc.

All the animals. The Covenant of the Ark. Yeah. We would be dead. You need to get yourself some roommates and learn. You have to learn those kind of things. Yeah. Those are like the building blocks of life, of learning to go through the shit, of dealing with other people's... You didn't replace the toilet paper. Why did you... You know what I mean? All that shit you need to learn because now you're just getting anything you want from Kalilah. Yeah. You don't do shit. I feel like I don't say what I...

what I want to say. So I feel like if I had roommates, I'd like learn from that. Does she make you pay any money for stuff? Just my own stuff. Like what? Like your cell phone? No, to Bobby. Do you still pay for that fucking cell phone? Oh yeah. Rocket money. Oh yeah, I do, don't I? You clean my fucking house then. So what do you pay for of your own? I don't know. Atikaila is always in Hawaii, so I pay for like my food.

So she's never paid rent. She's been in America ever. It's an American dream. Yeah. And then my Prius, you drive, right? How much did I charge you for that? $3,500. What an innocuous number. Why did you charge her that? I don't think I did charge her. Just give it to her. I don't think I did charge her. You did. You paid him for that? How? You know, when the car broke.

And I had to pay for it. And you said you pay for it. Oh, so that's how I paid for it. It got fixed. Yeah, you fix it and it's yours. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. You know what I mean? Come on. I would grab a check and I've never done that. So you're never going to live with roommates. You've been spoiled. I don't know. Maybe when I have an actual job and then leave. You are going to. I know this for a fact. 15 years from now,

You're going to be stressed out, right? You're going to lay down on your bed and you're going to close your eyes and you're going to think of us. I'll tell you what, you're going to be like, I had it so good then. You know what I mean? I just talk on a podcast. Get it? Now that you, what do you want to be when you grow up now you're going to graduate college? Because life is going to come at you fast. I still don't know. You don't have any idea of what you might want to do? Maybe something in like marine bio. Because I like...

Diving and I like animals so marine biologist maybe something you got to go to school for that again. Yeah, well, maybe like public um shit Get a boat yeah, you want to be never watch that movie I go shrimp out You want to be shrimp boat captain? I mean you can make money though get all the shrimp I just don't want to deal with shrimp. Why all right? Well clams

There's other things down there. Scallops. You go scallop hunting. No, I want like whales. You can't hunt whales. I'm not going to hunt them. I'm not going to hunt them. No, what I'm saying is that you just want to observe and write down, you know what I mean? Oh, the scallop reproduces every four hours. She wants to be my octopus teacher. Yeah. Oh, that's what. There's no money in that.

We want you to get a shrimp boat. Please, for us. Yeah, make some money. You'll be the best at it. I don't know anything about shrimp. Rudy Jewel's shrimp. You don't know anything about shrimp? Neither did fucking Forrest Gump. You figured it out. You figured it out, dude. Can't be something like fun. No. No. No, life is not fun. Yeah. Or, you know, go up to Alaska with those boats. And do the crab boat fishing. Yeah, dude, that's fun. Would you do that? King crab?

Isn't it just all white people, though? Yeah. Yeah, that's usually our thing. Okay, yeah. That is true. That's our thing. We are the best at that. No one's better at that. Yeah. The Japanese. No.

Not at King Crab, no. You guys are good at fishing, not King Crab. Okay, good, thank you. Yeah. Okay, good. And I said you guys, you're not Japanese. What am I talking about? I mean, when you see- You don't get to take credit for them. Yes, I do. No, you don't. I'll tell you why. Why? Because- Then I get to take credit for all the good white stuff. That's not true. January 6th. Yeah, and I do give you that credit. Okay. Okay. Santa Claus. That's not you. We stole it. You stole it. Well, success. Okay.

I mean, okay. So you're going to be a marine biologist. Well, maybe we'll help you get to that school. I'm still not sure. That's just what I'm thinking. Yeah, well, you got to try something. Yeah, I just feel like I don't have any interest in anything. That's a tough place to be. Zero interest in anything? Well, you were interested in comedy. We're different. We always wanted to be comedy was the thing we knew we wanted. No, not really. How old are you now? 22. I didn't figure that out until I was 23.

It's the same fucking age. She has a year. Was that a bit? No. That's insane. It's the same age. It's not. She's 23, not too long ago. At 22, I had no idea is what I'm saying. So at 23, it was like, poof. Huh? Yeah.

I took an improv class, I go "Oh this is fun" Alright, well a lot of people start to think of what they might want to do Like Andres knew what he was gonna do We don't even know what he wants to do Like what does he do? Oh he does a movie that you're not gonna be in Yeah yeah Speaking of which, get your students in here and come say hi Go ahead and bring him in here, he's got his students with us again Are these students from Quinnipiac? Yes Fucking every year this guy Hello! Hi! Sit in that chair if you don't mind Oh I remember you

I remember you from out there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You don't mind- put the mic close there to her, Carlos. Alright. Hi. Carlos. That was aggressive, Carlos. What are you doing, dude? Say fucking sorry. No, say sorry or something. Say, "I'm sorry for that." No, don't touch people. Oh, dude. Nobody wants to be touched. Back up, dude. You're fine.

Anyway, what is your name? I'm Vic. Vic. Wait, how do you spell it? V-I-C. Vic. Yeah. You say Vec. Sorry, sometimes I say things wrong. No, you said it right. It's how you say it. It's your name. Vic. Yeah. Vic. This is Rudy, by the way. Say hi. Hi. Did you change it, Vic? No.

What did your parents name you? Victoria. See, that's what they do. What, the whites? The whites do this. That's our thing. Yeah. Like, you know, you're Margaret, right? And then like 20 years later, I'm Margo Lee. Well, they would just say Margo. Margo. I don't know. Margo. Whatever. I am or whatever. But Vic is cool. Yeah, Vic is cool. Sorry about that. No, it's fine. My friends start calling me and it's kind of stuck. Vic.

Vic, you're a Quinnipiac. You're in film school. I'm not. No. What do you do? I am a game design and development student. Hell yeah. Whoa, I love games. That's why you're wearing that specific Bad Friends sweater. Yes. Do you like that game? Actually, I have not played Stardew Valley. Wow. What do you play? I'm more of a tabletop game. So I play a lot of D&D. Dungeons and Dragons. Yes. Oh, no. Video games like on a table.

Yeah, kind of cards a little more. No, that's a card game. It's not a video game. It's a card game Yeah, I'm trying to get to it. It's a dice game. It's a dice game with hard There's no cards And I'm playing it wrong, you know, I'll tell you what about D&D people a lot of it's in their imagination No, yes, do you build it in your mind? Yeah, I need to see things. I'm a visual guy. We have maps

Like my friends will actually make like full on maps. So that way for us who can't picture things, we have maps. But wait a minute. What if somebody makes a map that you don't agree with? Yeah. If I'm a player, it doesn't matter. If I'm the GM, I can tell them they're wrong. If you're the what? Game master. Person who's...

And do you walk into the room, I'm game master today. Not necessarily, it's more of a, each of us have different games we run on different days. I run every other Saturday. So you're the GM every other Saturday? Yes, my friend does it every Sunday afternoon. Do you have a little bit more of an attitude on Saturdays?

- Yes. - Yeah, you're a little bit more pointed, don't you think? - Yeah, yeah. - Like you wake up that morning, you go, "I'm the fucking GM, dude." - Yeah. - You know what I mean? You got a little bit of fucking umph in your step, right? - It's a great confidence builder. - It must be to be a GM. - You wake up excited? - I do.

I'm gonna I'm GM today on Saturday GM day. What's breakfast for you Vic? Oh fuck That's cuz that's a big fucking day raw egg you eat one raw egg. Yeah Definitely like Rocky's slurper yo It is a buttered bagel made in the microwave buttered bagel that you put in the microwave Yes, it's like it tastes like a soft pretzel. Oh that this is a great idea. By the way. I do like this. Oh

No, what? It tastes like a soft pretzel. You just microwave a bagel. It probably tastes like a soft pretzel. Oh, okay. You put salt on it? But it's wet, right? Is that why? You wet it? Yeah, you dunk it in water. No, you just microwave it and you put butter on it. You don't do water bagels? Not doing water bagels. You should. I have a question. Did you like Stranger Things?

I watched the first two seasons. I did not like how they portrayed the game. Wait, how does D&D have anything to do with Stranger Things? Because that's what they like to do. Oh, in Stranger Things? Yeah. Okay, my bad. The whole plot point of the show. Did you never see that show? I refused. Okay, it's such a good show. I told you why, right? Why? He was going to be... No, just stop, stop. No, no, no, no. What happened was... What'd you say? What?

Is that the fourth slam? What is it? Four or five. Yeah, yeah. What is it? Tell me what it is. Lack of representation. Lack of representation. I don't want to... It's a boring story. It's a boring story. Just do a quick... All right. So my agent's commenting, though. There's a show called Oneonta, right? Or something, right? Oh, no. Montauk. It was called Montauk.

- Are you talking about Squid Game? - No, stop, stop. So I go, okay, and they go, there's a rule, and I go, I have to go in, I went in. I got the part on Montauk, right? Then they called me and they said, it's a period piece from the '80s, there were no Asians in Indiana or whatever, well, I don't know where it was, right? And I go, okay, but then Andrew Daly got it, that part, and then he couldn't do it, so they called me back, and they go, do you want it? I go, yeah, I wanna do this pilot.

And then like two days before I'm able to fly out, they go, we're going to give it to a local. I don't know, something like that. They changed the name to Stranger Things. And then I had to drive around. I had nothing then. Right. So anyway, are you happy? I said that story I didn't want to fucking say. Anyway, Vicks. Hi. Hi. So let me ask you something. Not Vicks. Vic. It's not Vapor Rub. Jesus Christ.

That's what I heard. I know. I've never played D&D, okay? So him and I would come over, right? Yep. You know, hey, I'm Eugene. We should change our names. Why? I don't know why. Okay, Eugene. Yeah, what's your name? Tell me my name. Robert.

Okay, okay, I'm Robert. That's Eugene. We're here to play we've never played D&D So what do we how do we start? All right start by making a character. All right, so you'll be given a piece paper Yeah has some lines and boxes some bubbles. Well, I already know it Leonard Monk pie

And I'm Chooch. He's Chooch. I'm Leonard Monkpie. All right. You start by rolling your stats. Okay. I rolled. It's a zero. What if it happens? Okay. Pick it up between three and 18. That's the more accurate. Okay. I got a three. All right. You got a three. So the best way I can do this- Do you have any snacks? Yeah. I'm starving. Yeah. We came all the way here. We biked all the way from our house. Do you have snacks?

I didn't bring anything, sorry. You're the GM and you didn't bring snacks? So my group plays- What the fuck are we doing here, Jen? My group plays online. Yeah, but we're here at your house. We heard you had the best wet bagels in town. Yeah, yeah. Make us a water bagel, please. Yeah, we want a wet water with the butter. What the fuck do you think we came over here to do? Goddamn. They're like a pretzel, right? Yeah, they're pretzels. Yeah. Water bagels.

So you already ate them? Yeah, I did. Okay. Anyway, so what's up? You ate an entire sleeve of bagel without us? Yeah. There's six in there. Hey, hey, calm down, chooch. I got hungry. Eugene, fuck off. Oh, Robert, I'm in. Yeah. Oh, no, your character. Anyway. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. So three is for the lowest you can roll. So I guess you start by what stat you don't want to be good at. Oh,

Can we figure out what the stats are? Let me guess. Physical? Strength? Mental? Strength, mental. Strength, dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom, charisma. Constitution? You have to rewrite the whole thing. Constitution is... They better not touch my fucking constitution. I'll tell you that. I don't care if the dragons or the dungeons are involved. No, they're saying it's physical form. There they are. Right. Strength, dexterity. No magic?

That's what charisma is. Intelligence, wisdom, or charisma determine magic based on your class. Okay, good. Class, I'm Korean. Leonard Mungtai is Korean.

Can I not pick that? Profession, more or less. Okay, well give me the professions. Fighter, rogue, monk, barbarian, artificer, wizard, sorcerer, druid. You're a druid for sure. I'm a druid for sure. Very druidic. You want a high wisdom stat. Okay, so I'm rolling with my wisdom first. All right. I got a three. I keep rolling threes. I have no idea. I don't know. It's weighted or something, these things.

So uh Jared's low wisdom means you're not gonna be able to cast a lot of spells okay, but you but I'll think about them Probably work on having a high constitution cuz I constitution because high hit points okay. What is constitution? It is your physical it's

It's physical and mental fortitude. It's how well you can resist poison, how much HP you have. Oh, health points. Yeah. How good you are at concentrating on your spells. Okay. Wow. Wow, wow. All right, so I'm going to throw that for that constitution. I want to go home. I know. I want to leave. I know a great place. She doesn't have any fucking bagels. I want to go home. I'm starving. On the way home, when we're riding our bikes. All right. I know it's 45 miles. All right. Yeah.

So, okay, so my constitution's at a 60. My constitution's 16. 60. Not acceptable. Why can't I get a 60? Seems like... So... Your attitude as game master, I swear to God, dude. So... Those feel like a 60. I am not explaining this in the proper order. Oh, gosh. When you're rolling for stats, you roll four six-sided dice.

And you keep the highest three. So your numbers will always be between three and 18. So you want to develop games? Is that what you're going to school for? Yes. Yeah? Do you have a game you've developed? I've made a couple of video games. That's what the program is usually focused on. And then I have another game. I'm a tabletop game I'm working on with a couple of friends of mine that I can't really talk about because we don't want to. You don't want to leak it? Yeah. That's smart. Do you like Andres? Do you like him? Yeah, he's pretty cool. Cool is not the word.

That's pretty cool. Shut up. Look at your fucking face right now. He's okay to you. He's nice. Yeah. Yeah, he's never said anything inappropriate. Is he one of your favorite teachers? Oh. I've never had him as a professor, actually. Yeah, well, that's... How are you here, then? Because I...

filled out an application and they said yes. They ship these kids out here. Okay. Their parents get rid of them. For the summer. This is camp. Okay. They get to come out here and have a good time. Okay. Which one are you? How old are you? 21. 21. How old are you? 22. Wow, look at this. Look at that. You guys, I'm done. You want to go surfing or? Yeah, do you want to surf? We're paying for surfing lessons. I'm not much of a surfer. Okay. Says whom? Says my, I'm a figure skater actually. Oh. Oh.

I've won, I think, silver in states. You won silver in state competition? In what state? Connecticut. No shit? That's huge. You are a famous state champion figure skater. Yeah. That's incredible. You do those twirls?

The Vicks Vaporub twirl. Yeah. I like that. Do you have triple axel? Can you do that? No. I end up having to leave figure skating because of the pandemic, and I haven't been able to go back. What do you mean? China took over skating too? Those fuckers? I love those fuckers, dude. Wait, what do you mean you had to quit because of the pandemic? They shut down the rinks. They shut down the rinks, and then I had a coach who was teaching me.

And she couldn't travel to the state where I was practicing. Because she was essential, so she had to actually go into work every day as well as... Will you ever ride again? Can we see you slicing up ice ever again? I plan to. I tried to get into it at school. And then the day I was supposed to go for the interim meeting, there was a fire alarm and I ran out without my shoes on.

And it just ruined my night. Jesus. Jesus.

I just haven't gotten back since. Vic. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Give Vic a round of applause. That was great. You want to get one more in here? Let's get one more of the students. No one's going to beat that. Thank you, Vic. Thank you, Vic. Number one. Literally number one. Oh, we got a brown guy. This guy's a player, dude. I can tell, dude. When I walk in here, dude. Look at him.

What's up, man? How you doing? Yeah? Yeah. Brown guy. Let's do it. Representation, you know? Can I just say something? Yeah. And just an observation. It's a good thing. From your eyebrows up, it's very long. What do you mean by that? I don't know. Like eyebrows like here? Yeah, your head is long. My head is long? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has a lot of hair. Okay, that's a lot. It's just all hair. Are you Indian? Yeah. Okay.

Do you watch Amir Khan's movies? Do I watch what? Amir Khan's movie? Yeah. Like Three Idiots? Yeah. Love that movie. I love it too. Yeah. It's one of my favorite ones. Keep going. This is good, Ruud. And Dangal. Yes. Yeah. The wrestling one? Yeah. That's my favorite. That was good. Amir Khan's so hot. I just... He's daddy. Yeah.

I mean, yeah. The only thing I know is non, so keep going. He's an attractive man. Yeah, that's good. Mangolasi, one of my favorites. Yeah, I like this. I just had it. I was in India like yesterday. You just got back from India? Get him out of here right now. What were you doing in India? That's good. That's what they do. You were going to your cousin's wedding? Yeah, I just got back. How many horses rode in? Uh,

Zero. No one was on a horse? So the weddings would last like very long. So I was only there. I got there late. I can only go for a week because I'm here. So I went. There was like two different cities they did the wedding in. They went in Mumbai and they went in Goa, which is like southern. It's like beachy, more tropical. And I missed the entire Mumbai part of it. So that was the actual wedding part.

And then I got there for the reception, celebration, dancing, all that. I don't know. There might have been horses. I don't know. There's got to be horses. There had to have been. I've never seen a horse in India. What? What do you mean? I've never seen an Indian guy on a horse before. They do that at weddings all the time. Okay, I didn't know. Sometimes they ride in elephants and shit. Dude, Indian weddings are bananas. I've seen this though. Yeah, that's it. He loves that. You're like the new version. You're like the upgraded...

You're like the iPhone 14 of Indians, right though? Yeah. Like you can tell he's got a shine to the outside of him. He takes a different plug, doesn't he? We'll just call him good.

You just call him a monkey man, dude? No, like the movie Monkey Man. Oh, fuck, dude. What the fuck are you talking about? I just watched Monkey Man. He's like Dev Patel. He's like a handsome- You could have just said he's like Dev Patel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't call him Monkey Man, dog. Just say Dev Patel. It's insane. Fucking weirdo. Yeah, yeah. That guy is really rad. He's rad. Yeah, I saw this last week. You just saw this? Yeah. Well, so you are like Monkey Man, I guess. Yeah.

It all comes back to that. Is it going to be an arranged marriage for you? For me? Yeah. That's what they were all talking about at the wedding. They were all joking about it. I don't know how much they were joking. But do they do that? Not as much still, no. Are you single? Me, yes. My parents were arranged. They were? So did your parents want to arrange for you? No. They joke about it all the time. Maybe they're not joking. Maybe they're not joking. Yeah. But if you did have it arranged, would you do it? Would I do it? Yeah. That's a good question. I guess it depends. But then what if I showed up?

- We would make it work, I think. - Yeah. - I don't know. - You don't think I could make it work? - I just don't think so. - Okay. - He's kinda out of your league. - I know, you're right, you're right. - He's a handsome young dude. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - How old are you? - 20. - 20? - Yeah, you're too young. - So young.

You're fucking two years older. What are you talking about? You said you were a senior, right? Yeah. I'm a senior. Well, I will be. He's just smarter than you. He skipped grades. Well, he's Indian. That's why. Well, while you were blowing in chickens' buttholes, he was learning math and science. Can't be mad at him. Yeah.

You had to skip a grade? I started early. My mom put me in school at like four. Are you from Connecticut? No, I'm from Jersey. Oh, Jersey boy. Okay, right. Straight A's, I bet. No. No, one B. What? A lot of B's. Have you tried C's? Have you tried a C? I've had some C's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What'd you have a C in? They're fucking delicious. I think I had a C. I had a C in math.

No way. One year. It was pre-calc. What did your dad say? Let me hear what your dad said. I'm going to close my eyes and hear what your father said. Let me hear. Go ahead. I'm you. You're me? So you're dad, right? Yo, dad, what's up? I'm sorry, player. You're not going to like it. Look at my report card. Excuse me, dad? Go. Leave. You're done. Get out.

Wow. That fast? Yeah. No, that didn't happen. He did not care. He didn't care at all? No. What a switch. Well, from like, what a switch. Is your dad from India? Yeah. So he's not a Jersey guy? He's not a Jersey guy. You didn't do an Indian accent. Can I do an Indian accent? Yeah, but do your dad. Does your dad sound like that? No, he barely has an Indian accent anymore. He's been here like in America for like 20, 25 years. Oh, my bad. Some people don't lose it. He doesn't have an accent? No. Well, the accent comes out when he speaks like Hindi. Right. Okay. Do you know any Hindi? Yeah.

Speak some. What do you want me to say? Well, tell him he's an idiot and he fucked up and he shouldn't get a C. Tell my dad that? No. This is your son. What's your name? Arman. Arman? Yeah. This is you. This is Arman. You're your dad. Dad, I'm Arman, dad. Why do you keep forgetting me? Tell him he fucked up in Hindi and he should never get a C. What's up, dad? What you got to say? Damn. Wow. Did you like that? Dude.

That was what I was looking for, dude. Wait, say that one more time so I can hear it. I could do it right now. Go ahead. Hey, babe. Muscat man. Baby, what a girl. What up? What up?

What do you think? I said it right? The first word is "bevkuf", right? Of course, I did fast. You have to do your head. I do it organically and real. Do your head, go like this. "Bevkuf". "Bevkuf". "Yogato". "Yogato". Arman. Arman, sorry. So you want to be a writer and director? I do want to be a writer and director. I think you're gonna be. Thank you. Do you have a movie pitched to us? To any movie? Yeah. Don't pitch me Scarface, because I know that's one of your favorites.

Isn't it? You've never seen Scarface? Pitch is a movie. Welcome. My name is Cliff Liebertson. I'm Steinmanson. He just goes by Steinmanson. I'm so famous. Everybody knows who Steinmanson is. Just call me Liebertson. We're Jews. Here's the pitch, right? You got this guy. Let's call him Armand.

And uh, and and- You don't have the character's name? I don't really like that name. We can switch it up. Give me any word name. It doesn't matter. It's your movie. You give us the name. I give you the name? Yes. Okay, we'll name him Andres. I don't like that one either. That's fine. We'll take it. Where is this Andres from? Uh, he's from India. Hmm. Okay, we like him. That's him now? Yeah, yeah. And right, so his parents set him up on an arranged marriage, right? Uh-huh. So you can- There's a lot of ways you can go with this, right? So he goes to the arranged marriage.

And who's waiting for him but Bobby Lee. Oh, the Mad TV guy? The Mad TV guy. Yeah, we... The Mad Friends guy. I mean, on our list...

- It goes Ken Jeong, Randall Park, Ronnie Chang, Jimmy O. Yang, Daniel Dae Kim. The list goes on. - Steven Yeun. - Yeah, he's not on the list. - He's not on. - Give us another name, please. - Any other name? - Is your character Asian? - He doesn't have to be. I can switch it to anything. - Well, how about a Barry Koenig or somebody that's relevant? - Oh, like a Rat Boy? - Exactly. - We love the Rat Boy. Rat Boy Summer. We love the Rat Boy Summer. Yeah, go ahead. - Wait a minute, time out for a second. Is he a Rat Boy?

Can you be a rat boy? The first thing you said when you described a rat boy was white. But they have to be white to be a rat? They have to be white. Even though rats, I've never seen a white rat. Wait, really? What do you mean? There's white rats. Where? In New York? There's white rats all over the world.

I've never said every time I see a rat. They're like gray or like brown. You've never seen a rat I've never seen that white kind of rat. Yeah, but you that where have you seen the rat the brown rat in Jersey in New York? Yeah, yeah, wait, New York. This is a fancy rat. Oh, these are like bougie rat. Yeah Okay, I'll tell you what I'll tell you what you're you I got it. I have an idea Yeah, first of all, we love you. You know this right? Thanks. This is fun. Has this been a fun little episode? Yeah, I've got someone I know and

that can pitch us a movie, okay? - Okay. - Hey, Vic, get in here. - Vic, get in here. - Watch this. - Watch this. - I want you to see this. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm ready. - Vic, see? - Yeah. - Okay, will you jump up real fast? I want you to stand over there. - Yeah, stand over there. - Vic, will you-- - This is what a movie is. - Will you sit down there, Vic, and pitch us a movie? I want Armand to watch this. This is a work of art. - This is a work of art, yeah. - Pitch us a movie. We're executive. - Hi, I'm Liebowitz. This is-- - Steinmanstein. - Steinmanstein. - All right. - Hi.

So this is a futuristic society planet. We open with a detective talking with their wife. This detective, a little bit disgruntled. They just got back from a three-year stint in our space. They're finally back home. They're married. Write the check. Write the check. Fucking check. Keep going. Keep going. And then all these crimes start happening. Bad crimes? Bad crimes. Sorry. A lot of...

property's going missing there's been some accusations of bribery and then the detective's lead informant gets murdered oh my god what happened who killed him what happened i need to know so there's a couple more things that happens it eventually leads to the fact that it is the detective's wife that she's the killer

She's been the one committing these crimes because she was a charlatan on her home planet, which is a lower tech planet, so she's still figuring out all this technology. My mom was a charlatan. She was. I saw her. I remember her. Oh, I relate. And it's kind of that, I love you, but you're putting me in so much trouble. Yes. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yes. As charlatans. And at the end...

There's a moment of like, oh, they're going to have a proper wedding for their family. Yes. Oh, yeah, of course. An arranged marriage? Well, it wasn't arranged. Okay. But then they decide to not have that kind of confirmation ceremony. And they just end up sitting together and holding on to each other and saying, I love you. And the movie is called?

Of golden glory. Sign the check! And who's the detective? You already have the casting, right? Who do you want? I think it's Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson? Can we get her? Yeah, we can. It's pretty expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's playing the detective. Detective Lock Smith. Her name is Lock Smith? It's clever. Forget it.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much. Three-pitcher deal. Three-pitcher deal. $100 million. Best tip, know your pitch before you do it. I'm going to play about this. In your face, fucker. Sit back down. Armand. Armand. Vic, fucking, honestly, walk off home run. Yeah. Walk off home run. The game's over. Armand, how do you feel about that? And we didn't mean to pit you guys, by the way. I just knew in my heart...

She had something in the fucking chamber, dude. Yeah, I think I got to go home and get ready and come back. No, dude, you're going to stay here in the studio even after we leave. Okay. Okay, and I want you to work on it. I'll stay here until the next time. Oh, you're never coming back. No, no, no. No, you're never coming back. Yes, he is. He's never coming back. We love him. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, thank you, Armand. Thank you, Armand. You can go back out there with the crew. Thank you, buddy. You were so good. Amazing.

What did we learn today, Rudy? You know, I've noticed Indians smell so good. Mm-hmm. Yes, they do. What the fuck do they smell like? What do they smell like? Like, they smell so, like, flowery. Let me say what's really going on. Okay. She has a crush on that guy. No, because my... They're called pheromones. No, because my co...

are all Indians and they smell so good too. Yes, they do smell good, but you also have a crush on that guy. I saw the way you were looking at him. It was a whole thing. Yeah. I have a boyfriend. Okay. Big deal. And he's so young. Huh? He's so young. He's 21 years old. Younger than you. You're the same age. No. You think you're way more mature? No, I feel older. You know why?

Because you don't live with roommates. She thinks she's special. Yeah. You think you're above this kind of thing. And you're kind of like also a celebrity? No, I'm not. That's right. You don't know who you are. I'm not. If I put you in front of a bad friends crowd, thousands of people, will they cheer? Because they know it from the podcast. That's right. That's literally what he's saying. That's what he's saying. That's actually what he's saying. That's what a celebrity is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else did you learn today? Other than that all Indians smell very good. But you did think he was handsome. He's cute. Okay. Okay. Whatever you say. What did you learn? And that soaking is inserting the dick to the vagina. Okay, aside from that. Well, no, that's true. She did learn that. That is something we learned. We've talked about other things, but yeah. And that also...

You missed us and you're happy to be back and you're going to come back. Am I wrong or am I right or am I right? You're right. Fuck yeah. We missed you. I missed having you around. Well, go ahead and sign off for us. Thank you for being a bad friend.