Bobo's Magic Calf Cream
01:09:44 Share

The land down under has never been easier to reach. United Airlines has more flights between the U.S. and Australia than any other U.S. airline, so you can fly nonstop to destinations like Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane. Explore dazzling cities, savor the very best of Aussie cuisine, and get up close and personal with the wildlife. Who doesn't want to hold a koala? Go to united.com slash Australia to book your adventure.

Anchor! If you haven't heard about Anchor... It's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please.

It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone like on the go? Oh, my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many, many, many more. Go ahead.

You can make money from your podcast, too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You two are... Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

Or you two or something. We're bad friends. People in my house that I live with, they treat me like I'm a fucking ghetto son of all sons. Could you imagine, what would you sell door to door if you could tour the country and sell stuff? What do you think you would sell? I would sell...

I would sell ointments. Oils? Just for the calves. Like when the calves... Oh, calf ointment. Yeah, you know how calves sometimes get sore-y-sore from fucking the daily activities like hauling rocks or mining or whatever you do? Is this the pitch? Do you do karate kicks? Is this the pitch? Yeah, yeah. Okay, pitch me. Do you ever... I would go, hello. Hi. My name would be Robert. Hello, I'm Robert Young-Lee. That's my middle name. Hi, Robert. Hi, I'm Robert Young-Lee.

And may I ask you some questions, sir? Absolutely. I've got nothing but time. Are your calves sore? How do you know that? Yeah, because...

Do you every day, as we go on to our daily businesses, and we walk mountaintops, and we climb cliffs solo. I've been climbing a lot of cliffs. And then we also do reverse kung fu kicks to the suplexes to people. Yes, yes. And do you ever also do sidesteppings when you're dancing?

Yeah. You know in the country line, when you're in the country line and you do sidesteps? Yes. Do you ever do that? Do you ever like go – instead of saying no, you do like – you know what I mean? You lift your leg up. Yes. Yeah. Of course. So when somebody says, have you ever seen Jungle Book the movie? You go, no. But instead of saying, you lift your leg up. No. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I have the greatest ointment for you. Okay. What is it? This is called Green Stuff. Green Stuff.

Green stuff? Yeah, yeah. And it's made from aloe and tree bark. And also, if you go deep in the Amazon, there's a mysterious tree called the carnivora tree. The carnivora tree? Yeah. So it eats meat? The tree eats meat? Yeah, but if you...

Let me tell you, my friend, we have a technology in hand. We take a machine, Bunsen burners. You take Bunsen burners? It's a machine based on the Bunsen burner technique. Got it. Right. And then what we do is we slice over the artery of the base of the carnivore tree.

So the tree has veins, so it has a blood running through it? Mm-hmm. Wild. And we stick a technological tube in it. Oh, a tech tube. Yeah. Yeah. We call it a technological tube. Sorry, I shouldn't shorten your stuff. Yeah, thank you. But over a six-month period, right, we slowly ionize the juices from the carnivore tree. Whoa. Right. Along with aloe and also along with...

Angel wing dust. Where does the aloe come from? I'll tell you where the angel wing dust comes from. Did you know that some of our, we have a crew of people who die. Everybody dies. No, we flatline on purpose, like in the movie Flatliners. Yes. And what we do is we flatline for a split second. We only let them flatline for about 15 minutes because if you let them flatline more than that, they'll die or they'll become brain activity dead.

Brain activity day. Right. So what we do is we flatline some of our scientist teams, right? And in that 15 minutes, they're in heaven and they hunt down angels to create the angel wing dust. So we shoot down angels. So you kill angels? Yes. We kill someone to kill – okay. Sorry. My company. Just listen, sir. I didn't – let me – tell you something, sir. I wasn't even going to stop by this house. Oh, why? I'm busy. I have to go to the corporate center and sell my product to –

Jeff Bezos? Yes. You were selling this product to Jeff Bezos? Well, he's not selling it. He wants it. I don't know. I haven't decided. Well, I want it. How much is it? My point is that you're lucky to have it, so let me finish this. So for 15 minutes, my scientists, we flatline. Okay. And then we hunt down angels. And then we do it delicately with the same technology as we do as the carnivore tree. The Bunsen burners? Well, yeah. And we have a clipping mechanism called Y'all Right.

Y'all right. Y'all right clips. Oh, y'all right clips. Yeah, because they're very gentle on the angels. We don't kill the angels. Well, they're already dead anyway. They're dead. Yeah. Okay. But we clip their wings, right? And they're very small. Angels are small? People don't realize how small. People think that angels are human size. They're not. They're the size of little fairies. Sometimes angels are the size of mosquitoes, so they're very difficult to catch. How do you delineate between an angel and a fairy? How do you know which one's which then?

Well, fairies – because I'll tell you why. Because fairies live on Middle Earth. Of course. Or some sections of the Earth. Of course. Right? And they're not angels. Angels are dead. They live in heaven. But are fairies dead? But when fairies die, they turn into the mosquito-sized angels. Oh. Right. Okay. And those ones –

We capture as well. And you get the... We clip the wings, some ears, right? But mostly wings. Mostly for the dust. And we get the dust. Right. With the carnivorous tree extract. Right. And the aloe. Mm-hmm. We combine this ointment we call green stuff. The green stuff, I remember. Right, right, right. And you just gently inject them into your calves. Into my calves. Yeah, you don't rub it on the surface. Okay. We stick it in a syringe.

Oh, it goes inside my... Yes. In the muscle. You inject it. Okay. Right. Now, I'll tell you what. In the beginning, you won't feel well. I'm going to be sick? No, you won't be able to walk for six months. Six months? Yeah. So one half year? One half year. One half year, I can't use my legs. And your calves will petrify a bit. They'll turn actually... A lot of people think that they'll turn stone. They'll turn into stone? Yeah, but almost like a hard quartz rock.

Do you ever see the movie or the TV show Chernobyl? Yes. Those little quartz rocks they find on the – yeah. That's my legs. That's what it will feel like. There will be radiation as well. Wow. And people around you might get cancer. Okay. Yeah. But will it make my calves feel better? But in six months, I'll tell you what, you'll run like that African-American runner Carl Lewis. Carl Lewis? Yeah. Are you a salesman from 40 years ago? Yeah.

Do you mean Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt. Will I run like him? Oh, God. Hey, sir. Sir, before you go. Before you go. Sir, I have not told you the price. Oh, how much? Yeah, yeah, yeah. $4.5, my friend. $4.50. $4.5 million. $4.5 million? Yes. How many injections do I get? One. So one. That's it. One injection, and in six months, you will run like Usain Bolt.

Hussein? Or Usain? Or Usain? Well, you're not from where you're from, Jamaica. I'm from Jamaica, yes. Well, I'm from the section of Jamaica where he is from. Oh, you are? Yeah, Tatao Village. And in Tatao Village, we call him Hussein because that's the common tongue. Hussein. That's right. Like Saddam. Much like it. Okay. Yeah, much like it. So 5.4 million? Yep. 4.5 million? Yeah. And we only receive cash? Yes.

Oh, you only take cash? We only take cash. Even during the pandy? Yeah. Can I just Venmo you? Well, it's usually 12.5. That's the thing. Oh, so you're giving me a discount. Half off. More than half off. 60% off. Yeah.

Well, where do I sign up? Green stuff. And you don't get it right away. I need the cash up front. You don't get it right away. When do I get it? We have two scientists. Oh, so you don't have it yet? In heaven right now, catching angels. No, we have some, but we sold out. Bezos. Bezos has all of it. Bezos has one. Yeah. Yeah. He paid $15 million, but you know. How have you turned Jeff Bezos into a Spanish guy? Bezos. Before you go, can I talk to you about something? Yeah, go ahead. You have something to sell me? Mm-hmm. What is it?

Have you ever been introduced to your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? No, what is that? I've never heard of that. You don't know who that is? No. He's a wonderful little man. Is he little? He's very tiny. Is he a dwarf? Smaller. Oh. He takes away... Huh? Pygmy dwarf? Well, it's a new name now. It's not called pygmy anymore because that's offensive to pigs.

Oh, my bad. It's called a muskrat dwarf. A muskrat dwarf. A muskrat dwarf. Muskrat dwarf. That's right. They're very tiny. I should do that later. You can. Yes. He has very little sharp pointy ears. He hears and sees everything. He takes away all of your pain. And all you need to do today is to commit to me all of your secrets, and I'll take away all of your pain forever. Great. So may I give you some secrets? Please. Okay. Is there a – because I've seen movies. Yeah. Are there booths? Yeah.

Are there booths for the secrets? Is there a booth that I can go in where I can close the door and there's like a little curtain thing? Little do you know you're being protected right now by an invisible booth. Literally nobody can hear you within five feet. Yeah. Watch this. Okay.

Say to her, say, you suck. Just say it out loud right now. You suck. Didn't even hear it. She didn't hear it. Didn't hear it. You're in a booth. You're in a private booth with me. Okay, here we go then. Tell me your secret. All right. So in – not a big deal. No, not at all. Not a big deal. Hold on one second. Yeah, yeah. I have to just record this on my phone. Go ahead. In 1997, I decided to become a – I got a job offer for being a school bus driver in

in thailand okay yeah and um i signed up uh applied went to thailand and uh the bus um it looked it wasn't a yellow school bus it was uh what color are they this was a white it looked like a van like a van with no windows yes a van with no windows that's a bad school bus i would go to this yeah i would go and pick up the kids for school okay yeah and um

And we jam about 60 kids in the back of this van. 60 kids? We'll lay them down like sardines. On top of each other? They're crying. It doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turns out it was unbeknownst to me, a human trafficking business. Yes, yes. Did you get in trouble for that? Well, once I found out it was one, I quit after that first job. Okay. Yeah. Delivered to kids. One second. Yeah. Let's go! Fly in! Fly in!

The green sauce man. The green sauce man. We got him. Hey, you know what I watched all night last night? I got a new show for you guys. Oh my God. What is it? Alone. Do you know Alone? On Netflix?

Ten people are put out in the middle of the Arctic, in the middle of nowhere, thousands of miles north in northern Canada. Why? In the Arctic Circle. Why? They're given 100 days to survive on their own using 10 items, and if they can do it, they get a half a million dollars. It's like Naked and Afraid, but in the cold. Way cooler. Are they naked? No, they got clothes on. Not as cool. Why does Naked and Afraid have to be about naked people? Because in Naked and Afraid— First things first, your penis gets bit. I'm out. I'm going home. That's it. The first mosquito—

Suck in my dick blood, I'm gone. Wait, let me, is this, oh, so this is a reality show. It's real people. This is real. It's a documentary. It's a docu-series. Oh, it is. Yes. Oh, well then that's cool. It's awesome. I thought you said that there was a movie. No, a new show. It's a new show. Listen, I thought you said Alone. I thought Alone was kind of like lost, like a scripted show. Oh, no. And then, so in my head, I'm like,

How is that cooler than, because that's, what's real is naked and afraid, but you're saying that alone is real people. Real people. Going out in the Arctic with clothes. Yep. Ten items of their own. They get ten items and they have to survive. A hundred days. Through the Arctic winter. Can they bring their own foods? No. No.

What do they eat? Polar blabber? Polar blabber. What do they eat? Well, there's all sorts of stuff up there. There's elk. There's mountain lion. There's deer. There's a muskrat. A guy ate a muskrat. There's squirrels. There's... Do they bring their own tents?

they can bring tarps, not tents. So you can make a tent. What's the difference between a tarp and tent? Big difference between a tarp and a tent. It's like I live in a house, or you go, hey Bobby, where do you live? A house. But then it turns out to be a condominium. Same thing. It's not even remotely close to being the same thing. A tarp and a tent are two different things. A tent is pre-built as a tent. A tarp is a tarp. What is a tarp? It's just a big piece of material that you can use in a million different ways. A tent is a fucking tent. Can a tarp turn into a teepee tent like the back of my boys did? Can. Can. But is a teepee tent a tent?

Teepee's a teepee. No, they call them tents sometimes. No, they don't. They call them teepees. Some tribes do. Which ones? The Mohawk. Oh, Mohawkens do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe then. So what you're saying is that they take a tarp. They take a tarp and turn it into a tent. They turn it into a tent. A teepee. They can start a fire. They have fire mechanisms? Mm-hmm. So they have flints, you know, fire starters. I get what they are. One guy forgot one, and he had to do the bow and arrow, you know, the bow thing? Yeah, didn't work.

Forever. No, it's so stupid. It was really funny to watch that. And he's like, my hands. Yeah. I know. They always do that too. Yeah, because it gets sore from this. Like in Naked and Afraid, if they don't have a flint, there's always one guy that goes, bro, I've started 10,000 fires with a stick and a piece of, you know what I mean? Bark. Can't. And then when they get out there, I don't know why it's not working. Yeah.

and their partner just looking at them like this like you fucking son of a bitch gotta fucking get a flinch yeah it's so just bring the fire starter thing so they can bring 10 things and then they can only survive off of the land yeah I also love a naked afraid when like cause everyone gets to choose you know what I mean a survival thing what do you mean

Like, you get a pot, I guess, and, like, you know, but then you get one choice. Oh, yeah. You can bring along another item. So one guy's like, I brought my machete. Right. And the other partner's like, I brought a pencil. Yeah.

And they're like, why? In case we need to take notes. This is many uses. I'd like to draw some of the leaves. And when you get an infection, I can draw the blood. And then they're going to get upset. Yeah, no, everyone's bringing an ax or a knife or a machete. I do love Naked and Afraid because they give people PSRs. Your primitive survival rating is 8.6. What would yours be?

0.7? 0.7, yeah. What would yours be? Way higher than you out of 10. What? You have no fucking survival skills whatsoever. Insane. Insane. All right, so you don't... At the very start. You don't want to start a fire. Yup. With a lighter, probably, and gasoline. Yeah. No, but what I'm saying, you could...

I can start it with a flame. If I dropped you off in the middle of the Amazon with nothing, you'd be able to start a fire. Not with nothing. No, I can't. These fuckers can. No, they can't. They always have to have something to start off. You need something to start. No, I've seen dudes go, I don't need it because I have a fucking, I can get a stick and I know how to do it. I know what,

I can't do the smoke thing. I can't. Then either can I. So that goes against you. Okay, but let's do my points then. I'm athletic, which helps tremendously because you're going to— Fat dudes survive longer. No, they don't. You have to hunt game. How can you hunt game if you're fat? Bro, a lady on fucking did two fucking naked affraids. Yeah. Vegetarian. Vegetarian.

No. Yes. One lady did the 40-day challenge. Yeah. Vegetarian. And she refused to eat any fish. She's dead now. No, she's not. She's dead now. She had sepsis and died. I read that article. She doesn't exist anymore. No, she did exist, but now because she has no nutrients, she could be just in and out of. She floats in and out of our universe. Our universe, yeah. Okay, I'm also, athletic is a huge thing. No, conserving fat is a huge thing. I've seen fat dudes. Your fat is concentrated into one area. Yes.

It needed to be spread out. Your arms aren't fat. It's on my dick, baby. No, it's not. It's on your dick. It's on my dick, baby. Your dick fat looks like a lava lamp. It's like fat here, skinny fat here, fat, skinny, skinny fat. Oh, my God. Your penis looks like an anal bead. You know what your fucking penis looks like? If you opened up Trump's dick and just took out one of his veins is what your dick would look like.

Okay. That's dope. What do you mean? It's a big, thick vein. No, not a thick vein. Thick vein. Look at a dick. Yeah. Trump's dick. Look at Trump's dick, right? Fine. And those little dicks, those little, not little dicks, but the little veins in the dick, that's what your dick looks like. There's not a bigger dick in his dick. She hates this. I know. She's so grossed out. Yeah. Rudy, I'm sorry. You're grossed out by his talk about Trump's pee-pee.

Offensive, no less. Yeah, I tried to go bowling yesterday and they are closed down because the country's closing down again. What do you mean? Not me. I've reopened. Really? Oh, yeah. I've gone to three raves. Where? Up in the fucking Temecula. Seriously, I've been to a rave? Three of them. I was the only one there. People got mad at me because I said I've been really good during the pandy. The only thing I've been doing is I've been playing...

On Craigslist, I'm part of this group, and we play tackle football with strangers in the park, and it's no pants. It's shirts, but no pants. Is that bad? People got so mad. Really funny. They're like, that's irresponsible. That's really funny.

But it's just a group of buds. Yeah. And we just meet up every Sunday right here, Balboa Park, and we just hang out. Yeah. And you know why it's no pants, by the way? Because you can't run in jeans. It's impossible to play football in jeans. Yeah. You've got to have no pants. Also, we used to have a rule where you couldn't tackle by the dick. You can now.

Well, people are mad at me because every Saturday I do an escape room. I do an escape room. Where is it? It's over there in Los Feliz. I do an escape room with 100 people. You're right. It's all my friends. 100 people, right? You know them all. Right, right.

And we wear masks when we get there, but in the escape room, you can't because you have to communicate. Yeah, you need to talk. You need to talk. Like, how did we get into that fucking opening up there? Right. Yeah. Hey, Raul, you know what I mean? Right. Let's solve this puzzle together. Have you- And so 15 of us will huddle together. And solve it. Right, and just stare at a little mechanism and just figure out what buttons to press. Is it really hot in there? Super hot. So you're sweating like crazy. Super hot, yeah, yeah. And there's no- Because it's in the escape room, there's no ventilation. People get so mad about that. I don't know why.

Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one escape room, it took us 12 hours to get out of. Yeah. Right? And the last bit of it is us, about 30 of us at a time, have to shimmy in a tube, right, together, right? You have to take your clothes off as well. Of course. Right? And you have to shimmy, right? And they blow smoke in there.

Oh. Right. It's a fire, like a fucking, it's like a, like, a backdraft kind of a theme. Oh, I love that movie. Right, so you love, right, so the smoke is in the, you cough.

Right, right. And you're shimmying naked, right? But, you know, we stopped doing it last Saturday. It's over now? Because of the, you know, the hysteria. Yeah, I know. Trust me. It's crazy. Can I take you guys to a restaurant? We went to a new restaurant. It's fucking phenomenal. What's it called? It's called Mama Bird. There's no way. Have you heard of Mama Bird? Do you guys know about this? I just said there's no way. How, how, how, how? No, no. It's delicious. It's so good. Is it chicken? No, Mama Bird is like a...

I'd say Americana Bistro. And what happens is the chef comes out, greets you. She takes your takes your order as well. She recommends stuff and she cooks it, brings it back to the table, and then she chews it and spits it in your mouth. It is the best restaurant. It's some of the most delectable. None of the nutrients are gone. You still get all the nutrients.

It's so good. I literally thought you were being real. Okay, Mama Bird. That's Mama Bird. Wow. It's so good. Apparently, the reason that she pre-chose it for you is because a lot of times, do you know how many people choke and die at restaurants in the United States of America? 30,000. Mama Bird. Wait, this restaurant, it's in Arizona, right? Yes. It's in downtown Phoenix. Downtown Phoenix. Yes.

Go to Mama Bird's. Mama Bird, downtown Phoenix. And her name is Gladys the Chef, and she will chew and spit in your mouth your food because so many people choke and die in restaurants. 30,000 a year. She's cutting that number down to nothing. Yeah. You can't choke on it when it's pre-chewed. Pretty cool. Can I tell you a bad story? There's another restaurant that I go to. Oh, what is it? Yeah, it's called The Exotic Restaurant.

The Exotic? Yes. What is it? It's a great restaurant. Well, it's pretty far. It's in Wuhan. In Wuhan? Oh, Wuhan, China. Yeah. Oh, I love that spot. It's called The Exotic. And they only serve bats. Bats.

Really? Yes. But what's great about it, they catch bats. Oh, they catch them. They catch them, right? Uh-huh. And while they're alive, they just slice meat like a sashimi. They don't cook it. Why would you cook it? Why? You're right. That's the question. People cook their bats. Cook it.

They boil it. No. No need. In the belly of the bat is where the fat, the belly meat is. You know what I mean? Yeah, the belly meat. Where the fat is. You know what I mean? Like Toro. Yeah, it's like Toro. Right, it's like Toro. And you just slow, right? While the bat's still alive. He's still alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's saying stuff like, I got it. What does that mean? I don't know. Okay. That's the noise. I don't know if you know this, but that's the noise a bat makes. Oh. Because I go to this restaurant, and when you cut open the bat's belly, it goes, I got goobies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Sometimes it goes, come fly. Sometimes. Buffy. Oh, come on. It's one of my favorite products of all time. Buffy makes super soft, earth-friendly bedding. We can't talk about how much we love it. Oh, man. A year ago or however long ago, Andrew goes, I have a Buffy blanket, and I go, give it to me. Give it to me. Buffy blanket is the only fucking blanket that me and Kalilah use. It's so fucking comfortable, guys.

It's incredible. It's on my bed right now. They're made from ultra smooth eucalyptus fiber. It's softer than cotton and I mean that. My favorite thing, if you suffer from this, if you sweat at night or get too hot or too cold, it is temperature controlled. I promise you on my life, you won't sweat. Do you sweat at night? It's so fucking cool and comfortable. It really is. All their products are cruelty free and they're hypoallergenic so you're not going to get the sneezes. There's no animal products here, baby. No, it's earth friendly. It's sourced from a renewable forest and it consumes 10 times less water to grow than cotton which is amazing.

Incredible. Here's another little Jimmy Jam. The products have almost 20,000 five-star reviews plus an overall average rating of 4.6 stars. Believe the hype, baby. It's so comfortable. Honestly, we both use it and I do love it. A free trial right now, free shipping and free returns. You can try their products on your own bed for free before you commit to buying. For $20 off your Buffy bedding, visit buffy.co and enter the code... BadFriends. Once again, for $20 off your Buffy bedding, visit buffy.co and enter the code BadFriends.

Golf Critique. Bobby knows I'm a big golfer. He makes fun of me all the time. He likes video games the way that I like golfing. Golf Critique is the number one search engine that's happening right now. If you're a golfer, if you want to know about great golf course reviews, you want to know about instructors, book tee times, and golf in your area, you've got to go to golfcritique.com. You can become a member right now, and you get a shot at winning $25,000 in golf with Holly Saunders and Brian Urlacher. Pretty amazing. Simply go to golfcritique.com.

Golfcritique.com. Put in the referral code 26793. Bobby's going to start golfing. We got him out to the range. He's going to sign up because he wants to win the money. Once you're a member, you write a review.

You're automatically in, and eight finalists are going to get selected to go play Pioneers North Carolina and get $25,000. If you are a golfer, go to golfcritique.com. It's very, very much worth it. Get your ass signed up. Use our promo code, Babbo. Bad friends. Bad friends. You'll receive 15% off the annual premium membership at just over $4 a month. It's incredible. You get a chance to win $25,000 just for being a part of this. You love it. Go to golfcritique.com.

You'll love it. You'll love it all. It's the best search engine in golf. Can I tell you a really weird story about a choking on food, by the way? This is so mean. We have a family friend. This is so mean. Is this real or not? Swear to God. No, this is real. No more joke. All right. His wife. From now on, let's be real. Okay. No more lies and all that stuff. No problem. Okay, go ahead. His wife was eating lunch in his office right in front of him and choked to death on a chicken bone.

Died? Died. Was eating chicken wings and died in his office. Came to see her husband for lunch and died. This is crazy. And one time, someone in my family forgot his name, right? And she's trying to reference him. And she's like, you know, dad's buddy. I'm like, I don't know who you're talking about. And she goes, chicken bone. Chicken bone. No, really? And I was like, don't say that so much.

Yeah. His wife died from a chicken bone. It got lodged in her throat. So you know what? We don't have chicken anymore in our house. This is not a lot. We have a cousin. Yeah. I'm serious, by the way. That's a real story. I'm serious. Yeah. And my dad calls it a smash. Why? Because my cousin was smashed in a fucking car accident and died. Like flattened? Yeah. He didn't know the name.

So he goes, you know, smash. I go, dad, Jennifer, you mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Smash Jennifer. I made that story up. Smennifer. I made that story up. That's a fake story? I lied, yeah. Look into the camera and say it wasn't real. It wasn't real. Ah, fuck it.

Car accident stuff is creepy and gross. I know. I don't know why I did that. I apologize. Sometimes I lie. About Jennifer's. Sometimes I do deceive. Sometimes. Sometimes. The song was good last week, huh? Oh, my God. People love the song. You know what I suck about it? You know what I hate about the comments? What? The song's great, but when Andrew kicks in, that's when it becomes really funny. Mm-hmm.

You got another song you want to play? No, I don't have an iPad. No, I'm not doing another song, but I'm just saying. You're not doing another song? I wrote the music of that song. Not that hard. Yeah. Daddy, Why You Die. Daddy, Why You Die. Daddy, Why You Die. I write the music. Yeah, you did. Right? I'm the one that you watch. I tell Jules. I asked Jules. I was in the car, right? Like before you got there because you were late. And I go, you know what I mean? Trying to compose the, you know what I mean? Yeah. And then you come in and you kick in with pretty good improv. Better than yours. It's true.

Don't be sad, Bob. You're better than me. Don't be sad. You're all better than me. No, we're not. Yeah. I get a call the other day. Ring-a-ling-ding-ding, ring-a-ling-ding-ding. Ring-a-ling-ding-ding, ring-a-ling-ding-ding. Yeah, and I go, hello, it's my agents at CAA. And they go, you like to play video games? I go, yeah. And they go, well, they want you to play Apex Legends.

And I go, what is that? They say it's like Warzone, but it's more cartoony. Yeah. And I go, okay. And they go, you're going to play with a bunch of other comedians. Ron Funchess. Love. Eric Griffin. Love. You know Jackie Cation? Yeah, she's great. I love Jackie. Brian Poussin. Yeah. And maybe some other. There was the thinking, maybe Sarah Silverman. And I go, okay, how much? You have to play 11 hours. 11 straight? Yeah. Why? What would be the purpose of that? You're streaming it.

Oh, they're live streaming it on their site. Like Twitch? Yeah, on Twitch, I think. And then you're playing Apex Legends for 11 hours. And I do that anyway with Warzone. So I said, fuck it. Let's just do it. 11 hours straight? Yeah. But you know what? I think there's breaks. Like, they have to take a shit.

I'm not going to take a shit on fucking Twitch. Shit break! Yeah, and then so they'll probably cigarette breaks. Yeah, they definitely got to have cigarette breaks. And you're doing it out of your house, which is going to be cool. You're filming it on your computer? No, in my house. They're coming over to install a bunch of fucking technology. Wow. I don't know if we're able to keep that technology, but that'd be fucking cool. It's a dream situation. Yeah, to get paid to play video games? It's like getting paid to fucking sleep.

Which is kind of... Hey, we're going to come over and just hook up some mechanisms in the bed. You won't even feel it. You do get paid to sleep. You sleep in for the most of the day. You're getting paid for some of that day. From what? Who's paying me? Everything that you've ever done. Oh, that is true in a sense. We have shadow money coming. Shadow money.

Dude, you get checks like, you know, you did an El Pollo Loco commercial, you know what I mean? And they kind of did a snippet of it in Brazil. So here's $10. It's a nice little $10 check. Yeah, I mean, you get like weird money. I get a couple. I have one on the way from... From what? From the disaster artist. Good. Yeah, it's a little bit of money. It's not bad. What's the most... What's a movie... The biggest residual check? What's a movie that you still get residual checks on? Not a movie, but I still get checks from...

This Is Us, that TV show. Oh, you do? I did the pilot. I still get checks. Wow. It was like five years ago. I don't even know what it is now. And they're bigger than they should be. They're bigger than when I really was in something. Right. I was just a little guest star. I want to ask you something. Yeah. How come you haven't brought up soccer at all? Isn't this big for soccer right now?

What do you mean? Liverpool won the EPL? Yeah, isn't that amazing? I tried to watch... I think Man U played... I forgot who they played, but I was watching it. And it just... Because there's no audience and because there was a disruption to the season and because we already knew Liverpool was going to win the whole fucking thing... It doesn't matter. I was just like, I'm done. I want to wait until the EPL starts again. And then I want to see what happens in the transfer window. I also want to see if there's going to be actually an audience. Probably not.

And I'm going to say that – let's talk real for a second. Regardless if you feel like we should open everything up or if you're like me who thinks that it was a little too soon. Listen, I want to listen to everyone's perspective. Everyone has a right to have their own opinion about any issue, right? But facts are facts.

And we are at a rise right now. It's bad in L.A. Texas. It's bad here. We lead the country in new cases. It's fucking insane in Florida. It's bad. It's bad in pockets in different pockets of the country. Yeah. And there's no let up. No, no. And when they say that the world has changed, it has changed.

From now on, we don't know now when comedy clubs are going to open. There's no way to know. Probably never. All the way? Yeah, all the way. Who knows? Two years, three years, four years? Especially in L.A. I mean, they were thinking that July was going to be... I know, I remember that. They remember what? July, the store will open. After the holiday, we'll be back. Yeah, yeah, and we're not. Not even close. We're the opposite. And so...

Man, that's why I like when they called me for this video game thing. I'm also doing like Howie Mandel called me and goes, you know, usually, you know, he's so proactive. Yeah. He's like, hey, I'm doing this other, you know what I mean, reality show. I'm like, I'll just do it. What reality show are you doing? It's not a reality show, but it's like a game show kind of a thing. You know what I mean? What is it?

I don't even know what it is, but it's like with you, Eric Stonestreet, and the other lady that's on Modern Family. What's her name? Julie Bowen? No, the Hispanic lady. Sofia Vergara? Yeah, Sofia Vergara. Wait, what is it? Sofia Vergara. Sofia Vergara. He goes, yeah, it's Sofia Vergara and Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family. I go, it's just me too? And they go, yeah. And it's one of those just like game shows. That's fun. Could be fun. I go, ah.

I'll do it. Normally, I would not do it. Well, I would ignore his call, maybe. I love Howie Mandel, but every time it's a business thing. But isn't that good if he's calling you for business? It's always like, you know what I mean? So I have a show idea. You, Joe Coy, Santino, you're naked. You're in a bucket. Yes, yes, yes. The score points. Yes, yes. And the Eva Longoria. Great. Yeah.

From Modern Family, right? They're judging you, but they're doing accents. You have to pretend what they're saying. You have to figure it out. Sign me up. And then the audience choose. And it's always something like that. And I'm always writing notes. Like, okay, Bucket, Santino. And then I'll see it a week later and I won't understand the notes. It'll say Bucket, Santino, Eva Longongong. And it'll say crowd and points. And I'll go, I have no idea what the fuck that is.

Right? Yeah. So it's always, I love him. Yeah. Out of all those old school guys, I have to say, out of all those old school guys, you know, I love Louie Anderson. Louie is... You know Louie? Come on. Yeah, he's the best. Honestly? Yeah. His role in Baskets was one of the coolest things I've ever seen in my life. He was so funny as Zach's mom. Yeah. But let me take it back one step. What? The reason I respect guys like that, like Howie's work ethic, like you're talking about, you're talking about a guy who's been in the game for so fucking long and done so much. Yeah.

Bobby's world. I know.

So good. Was so unique for a guy to do like that, that was a stand-up that could do 10 different other things. That was pretty incredible, man. There is also a kid in me that's like – I remember when I was I think in middle school and I was watching HBO or something and I was a kid. And I remember watching like Howie Mandel in a young comedian special or something like that. And he would – you know what I mean? Hey, I got a black head. He would pick up a black mannequin head and stick it on his face. And I remember like as a kid just –

Gut crying. Yeah. Right? And then it's just like, I don't want to sound cheesy, but, you know, so when he calls, right, there is that kid inside me that goes, there's that guy that I watched. You know what I mean? Of course. And I thought he was so great. And then I love also...

because I just kind of grew up watching him. Well, they reconnect with a point of your childhood that makes you feel so happy. Like, dude, when I worked with Jim Carrey on the Showtime show, we were having drinks and dinner one night, and I'll never forget, in the middle of him talking, I was just buzzed enough where I was watching his lips, and I was watching his lips, and it looked like he was doing the Ace Ventura mouth. And it reinvigorates that memory from your brain as a kid. Oh, my God.

It is weird. It's weird when you get to work or befriend people that you loved. I'm so intimidated by him. I remember when they were doing auditions. He came to the comedy store to see people perform. I was on the lineup. No, I know. They had showed me. And he came up to me and he goes, Hey, buddy. Fucking hilarious. Right? And I went, Fuck you. Fuck you.

Thank you, Jin. Yeah, yeah. And then when Mitzi's funeral, in Mitzi's funeral, so Al Madrigal goes, you know, everyone's there, right? Yeah. So Al Madrigal goes, hey, man, let's just sit over here to the side. But for some reason, when we sat down, like all the cool comics sat with us. So first Bill Burr, right? And a couple of other people. And then Jim Carrey walks. And there's a gap between me, Bill Burr, and a bunch of people. Jim Carrey sits right next to me.

I go, Smith, this isn't you. What's the sad? We funeral. They don't mind you. Right. And he takes his hand and he puts it on my back. And he kind of just rubs it. Oh, nice. And I'm just like, oh, this guy is so fucking cool. He's very connected. He's like a really cool connective kind of guy. You can tell he...

You could tell he's very in the moment. He's very present. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I embarrassed myself when I asked him one time. I said, Jim, where do you live in now? So stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, I'm kind of everywhere, man. And I was like, why am I asking a billionaire where he lives? Why did you ask that? They live wherever they need to live. He can live here. He can live there. He can live in L.A. for half the year. He can live in Canada for half of the year. Yeah, it's funny. I get nervous sometimes.

like a lot socially and I just don't know what to say well it's also because you I think you get I get nervous around people that I really respect yeah it doesn't matter if you're famous yeah if I respect your work and I know that you've done stuff that I'm like wow you're very good at something yeah whatever it is musicians athletes you know someone that's just anybody who's great at something I'm always like

I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you. Because I know they don't want to talk a lot to some guy that's like, hey, basketball LeBron? And he's like, yeah. And you're like, basketball LeBron? What am I supposed to... We don't have anything in common. Or when you're... Sometimes what happens is when you're on a TV show, and sometimes an actor will direct. Oh, yeah, that happens a lot. Fred Savage directed me a few times. Right, so when I was on Splitting Up Together...

I just show up on set on a Monday, and I realize, I go, I know this director. And it was Helen Hunt. Shut up. No, I'm not kidding. Wild. And so I walked up to her, and I go, I love Twister. I don't know why. I don't know why. Out of all her jobs. You love the fucking tornado movie? Out of all the jobs. That's the one. I go, I love Twister. How stupid did you feel? I felt so stupid. She's like, yeah, that was...

a tough job, long hours. She's like, yeah, I've done a lot of movies. Yeah. And for some reason, like, I would, like, she was a little distant. Well, after the Twister comment? Yeah. No, yeah, she was very distant to me, right? And then, like, it got to the point where her notes were just, just say it faster or whatever it might be. She didn't want to talk to me. But then what happened was she took my, so she, I guess,

One of the producers, Greg, who's a friend of mine, had his office. And I'm just – I have the kind of relationship where I could just walk in. Sure. Right? So – but she had – he had told her, you could just have my office while you're working here. Yeah.

So I just barge into his office like, what's up? I don't even know who's in it. And she's sitting there with her assistant and they're on their computer and they're on a conference call. They're taking notes and they're really serious. And I go, what's up, Helen? Like I had to switch it. Like improvise. Because Greg was there in your mind. What's up, Helen? She's like, I'm working.

Get out. Okay. I'm Bobby. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm working. I'm Bobby. It was terrible. Get out. It was terrible. Yeah, those moments are only because when you respect someone, you feel stupid. You wouldn't feel stupid if you didn't really care. Yeah. If it was just a regular nobody that you're like, I don't fucking know. It's fine. I'll just feel like, oh, my bad. Sorry, I made a mistake. Yeah. It's when you respect someone, you feel foolish when you make a stupid mistake like that. One of my dreams is this, is like if I ever die. Let's say there is a heaven.

If you ever die, you're going to die. But if I die, when I die, and my brother dies, and we're in heaven, one of my dreams, this is never going to happen, but I would love to go to God or whoever is in charge. There's probably like a point person. I bet there's a committee. Or there's probably somebody that's designated, like an angel that's designated to you. You don't get a direct line to God. Jesus. Right, and you go, I would want to go, hey, is there any way that I can look at my brother's best of tape?

He's like, what do you mean? Like all his just awkward mishaps. Yeah. Just a compilation over the years. And my brother and I just want to sit there and watch it. I know that my brother and I will laugh so fucking hard. And then my brother will say the same. I want to see Bobby's best of tape. Just all the awkward, fuck up weird moments. How he tried to like... Your blooper reel. Yeah, my blooper reel. Yeah.

I'll tell you something. You know who raised me, Andrew? Wolves? No, my cousin Paul. Oh. I have a cousin by the name of Paul Choi. Paul Choi. He taught me about Kurosawa films. He taught me about The Velvet Underground. This is back in the 80s. Love. And he raised me. So about a year ago, he lives in Oregon. I was at the Helium Comedy Club. Yeah. And he came and he said he invented something.

Yep. And he invented this thing called PocketStand. PocketStand. Look at how cool that is. It amplifies sound. It amplifies sound, right? And it's designed. And he worked very hard in this. And what it is, it's a soft plastic, but it fits perfectly around your phone. It's snug. And it's snug. And you can watch movies. And the sound is great. There's a little pocket here where sound comes out. Yeah. And – Take it with you where you go. You can take it on airplanes. And normally they're $10, but we're selling it here.

$7. $7 fucking dollars for a pocket stand. With a Bad Friends promotion. These things are amazing. It comes in a variety of colors. Tons of colors. It comes in teal and blue and green and black and peach like Bobby because she's a sweet little peach. Yeah, yeah. And this is the future, people. This is the future. Go grab one of these pocket stands. Go grab one of these pocket stands. Go to pocketstand.com. Use the Bad Friends promotion because you'll get 30% off and free shipping. They'll send it to your house. It's only $7. Come on, man. Help out the Bobby Lee family.

fam right yeah it's my family he's my first cousin help out you know what I mean the bad friends family the bad friends family pocketstand.com and pick up one it actually is really fucking cool dude I'm proud of him dude this is amazing way to go Paul we love you pocketstand.com baby I wish we all got to see our own blooper reel to just laugh at like right before you die if you saw all the dumbest dumb shit that you've ever done yeah yeah yeah

Like you want to talk about it here. I just remembered an embarrassing moment the other day because when we were watching Alone, the guy almost fell into the fire that he made, right? And it brought me back immediately to when we were camping in – we were in northern Illinois or Wisconsin somewhere, right? There was a girl – I was probably in junior high. There was a girl that I had a huge crush on, okay? And everyone is like goofing around by the fire and it's getting late and we're all young, dumb teenagers. And people are like jumping over the fire or throwing stuff in it to make it get bigger. Yeah.

You know? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it's like, just to get it lit up or throw kerosene in it or something. Yeah. And this girl was there and I was like, I can jump from outside of the rocks all the way across. It was a bigger gap. Yeah.

I'm not kidding at all. Okay, the parents are like inside the house of whoever we're with. And I'm trying to show off this girl and I'm like, no, I can fucking... Dude, I jump and my foot hits the rock, one of the rocks outside. And I face plant into the fire. Into the fire. Luckily, I roll out as fast as I can. Everyone is dying laughing. No one's concerned. No one's, oh no, everyone's... What happened to you? No, I was fine. I was the biggest fucking loser for the rest of time. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Everyone laughed. Nobody tried to help me. I would have burned to death and they would have laughed the whole fucking time. Yeah. Because I thought it was going to be cool in front of the girl to jump over the fire. Yeah. Like a moron. Yeah.

Is that impressive when boys try to do dumb stuff to show off? Yeah. When you're younger, 12, 13-year-old boys, you think you're cool and you want to do something like that. And for the rest of the time, you're like, that guy's a loser, right? I did this once at a restaurant years ago and I was at a restaurant. I was by myself. This is way before Kalilah. I don't know why I remember this because it was so embarrassing. So this girl walks in

And she looks right at me. And she goes, like that. So I go, I do a silly high. Like I do a finger. You know what I mean? What are you, the Fonz? Like, you. Hey. Yeah, yeah. Like, I know you. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's one of those situations where she was obviously waving to somebody in back of me. Oh, no. Right? So I do this. And I turn around. And there's a guy that stands up. And he goes...

You know, Sally or whatever. And I'm standing like this, right? But in my mind, right, I go, I'm going to pretend someone's behind her. So I go, and she looks at me. I go, no, not you. Right? But there was no one behind her.

She turned around, there was literally no one behind her. So I was like, the paranormal. There's a ghost. She goes over to the dude, she's like, that poor schizophrenic Asian boy. I looked so crazy because not only did I do that, but I go like that and there's no one there. Oh my God. Oh God. Hey, me? No. You, her. Yeah. But now when people wave to me, even if I know them,

Even if I know them, I don't do a thing right away. Why? Just in case? I just go – In case it's not for you. I'm kidding. I'm not kidding you. Because you get nervous. I think there's been ten times in my life that that's happened where – because also when you get – maybe I'm narcissistic. But especially when you're a comedian. Yeah. Because people come up to you all the time.

You're at a Starbucks. People often will say hi. People will walk by and go, what's up, dude? I'm a fan of your podcast or Mad TV or whatever it might be, right? Sure. And I'm cool about it. I'll go, thanks, dude, or whatever, right? But it's like sometimes people will just go smile at you. And you don't want to be rude. So you smile back. But you do? Yeah, no, I smile back. Yeah, yeah. I smile back. You have to. You have to smile back. But if – But now I'm a little more – You're weary? No, if they smile, I'll just –

Yeah, there is an awareness. Have you ever had it where somebody knows who you are at like a coffee shop or a place you go to all the time and you don't know their name? You know when you go enough? Oh, yeah. And you don't know their name? Oh, yeah, yeah. And it feels really bad when they're like, hey, all right, Bobby, take it easy, man. And I'm there all the time. No. Because I'm there all the time. I don't feel bad about that. I don't give a fuck. I say, thanks, dude. There's a captain. You can say chief. I should know his name. No, you don't. Oh, no. I see him every day. Do you know his name now? No. Yeah. Yeah.

He hears this. Next time I go in, he's like, what? What do you want? My brother worked at a fucking coffee bean on Sunset Boulevard and Ardmore. Oh, yeah, I know, yeah. No, Las Palmas. Yeah, so Las Palmas. In Hollywood. Yeah, in Hollywood, right. And he used to work with this guy named Donnie. Fucking Donnie. Donnie, right? And Donnie would always, like, fucking drop names on...

Like famous people? Yeah, but they weren't famous. Hey, man, fuck, you can't even believe who came in here, man. You're not going to fucking believe who came in here, man. Charlie Sheen stand in, man. Charlie Sheen stand in, man. I phoned with him and- That's huge for that guy. Oh, my God. That's big for Donnie. I hate this town. No, you don't. You love this town. Dude. You own this town. I met fucking Raul Jenkins, dude.

He was the stuntman for the Nickelodeon show Blue Wave, man. And you're like, oh, fuck this town. No, it's fun. It's great. No, it's really fun. I love it. You do love it here. What are you looking at? Are you looking at your text massages? Yeah, man. You're a busy guy. You're blowing up lately, man. You got new video game contracts. Fuck you.

Dude, you have a game show. You got video game contracts. You're killing it. What aren't you doing? What's next for Bobby Lee? Huh? A memoir? You know why I don't take that seriously? Could you ever write a memoir? I don't make fun of you. Yeah, you do. You're sarcastic. No, I'm not. Yeah, you're not. Because you know that you're on Davey. Right? Yeah. Yeah, you know you've done The Disaster Artist. Stop it.

You know what I mean? I make funny movies. Big feature films. You know what I mean? You know what I was really hurt? I was so disappointed when they didn't fucking nominate you for the disaster artist. You think that's funny? Yeah, I literally, I called my agents. I called the academy. I go, how can you not? The acting. And you know what? You know what? You were better than when Brian Callen was in The Joker. He was really good in The Joker. Yeah, he was so good in The Joker. Hey, how many weeks are left on your game show?

Probably a couple more weeks. Are you watching? No. Why not? Why? It's so good. No, you're being sarcastic. I've seen every episode. What did I do last week? Oh, my God. What did I do last week? I know what you did. What? The one where you eat the bugs. No, that was the first episode. Oh, it was? Yeah. God, it feels like it was last week. No.

Oh no, last week was the tournament of time. Yeah, you don't watch it. I do watch it. What I, let me, one activity I did last week because I know what I did last week. You ran up the gauntlet. Didn't you run the gauntlet? Wait, you ran the gauntlet. I watched it. You ran the gauntlet. No. No? No. Wait, what did you do last week? Here's the thing. You don't watch any of my shit. I don't watch any of your shit. That's the truth.

Because we don't... That's not true. I watch Love. We know each other, not from that. I know. That's true. I saw you when you were like a young comic. Yeah. And I remember me and... What's his name? Saw you. Yeah, yeah. How's Leonard Crowe? He's gone. He's in the neighbor's yard. Is he dead now? Who knows? You don't check in? Do you not check in on Leonard Crowe? No, we checked in, but then we didn't saw him. Oh, no. So he's dead for sure. Sure.

He's dead, right? There's literally no chance he couldn't be dead. It pissed me off, too. Is the poop still on your patio? Yeah, but when the crow left, I go, all right, guys, I'm going to go sweep up the balcony. No one helped me. And I spent hours out there sweeping, you know what I mean, trying to get the fucking shit. It's still shit all over the place. You've got to use a hose. I know. I understand that. But it's like not that I love crows. I love anemilia.

Oh my god. They don't want to hear that. What? What was that? I don't know. It wasn't a burp or fart. It was like a fart burp. Yeah, like a fart came out of your mouth. I know. I haven't eaten all day, dude. Why? Because I woke up at 2.45 and I realized, holy shit, I have bad friends today. And so Jules was like, were you reading something? She was reading a book on the couch. And I go, let's go. She's like, okay. Why don't you just make a meal? We have not eaten. Why don't you have a meal? She ate already.

I have not eaten. You know what I'm going to get? I'm going to get an acai bowl delivered. That's not food. It is. Acai bowl is like 100 calories. Acai bowls are so... Who is it? Nobody. You remember him? I love him. Just open it. Hi, sweetheart. Hey, you're on the podcast. Hey, Nick. It's Bobby Lee. You're on the podcast. Nick, Bobby Lee. Bobby, how are you? Remember you did that movie and you made me audition?

Oh, fuck you, man. Did I get an offer? Dude, suck a dick. I'm doing my best, man. Did he get the part? No, I didn't even do it. Huh. Were you in the movie? I was. Yeah. Nick, did you make me audition, Nick? Guys, it's not about who gets the audition. No, but I want to ask, Nick, I love you so much, but did Andrew Santino audition for your movie? No. Uh-huh.

But he's my best friend, and I wrote the role for him. That's right. Okay. What was Bobby going in for? I don't remember. Who got it? Who got it? Was it Adam Lustig's thing?

I think it was Adam Lustig. Who's Adam Lustig? Maybe one of the funniest people on earth. He's on a show corporate on Comedy Central. He's so fucking funny. He's bigger than me? He's skinnier than you. He's bigger than me in the name. No. No. No. You're like a network guy, man. You're a network guy. See? You're a game show guy now. Oh, I'm a network guy. Is that why? Yeah. So if I would have read for it, would I got it?

Yeah, dude. Oh, shit. I should have auditioned. You should have auditioned. What's up, Nicholas? I love you, Nick. I was just kidding. No, joke's on me because the movie didn't do great. Do you know any of the sales numbers of the film?

No, I think we came close to getting their money back, which is... That's good. Let's promote the movie. What is the movie called, Nick? Little Bitches. Little Bitches. Can they get it on iTunes, Nick? Amazon, right? iTunes and Amazon. Andrew's very funny in it. We have a very big audience here. I love Nick. Nick and I've worked with Nick before. Yeah, he's awesome. He's one of my favorite people in the whole world. I love you. You're so great. I was just watching the Father's Day song.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey, who had a better verse, Bobby or me? Love you, Nick. So watch Little Bitches Got Little Bitches. Yeah, Little Bitches. Right on iTunes and fucking Amazon. Nick is my boy. And then, you know what, dude? Next time you do a movie, I will read for it. I'll read for it next time. Offer. I'll read for it next time. Okay? Do it.

Don't worry, I won't get another movie. Yes, you will. I want you to get another fucking... You're so fucking talented. Yes, you will. You're a fucking talented fucker. All right, Nicholas, you want me to call you? I'll call you after. Love you guys. Bye, baby. What a good guy. He fucking made me read. Yeah. He told me he was going to make you read. He goes, I don't... Because that's what tells me that he thinks that I can't act. No, it's not that he doesn't think that you can act. He knows you can act. I think he didn't know if you could do that character. Yeah.

The character was a blind black guy in a wheelchair. Oh, yeah. I had to read. Yeah, I had to read. There's no way. That's very difficult. There's no way. Yeah, yeah. I was going to do a show where they said that I had to be in a wheelchair. Yeah. And I was like, I don't think I want to do that. If I got a movie deal, right, and I wrote a part, or I'm casting it, and I gave an offer to Theo Vaughn. Yeah, man. Right? And I offered one to Brian Callen.

But then your agent's here. You have to read. Yeah, it'd be mean if you gave roles to other people. No, would you read? For you? No, would you read for me? No. No. No chance. So why is it that I have to read for him? Because you're a wild card. We don't know what you're coming with, you know? You're going to read for me. No, I'm not. Because you said that, you have to read for me. No. Yeah. You're my friend. But do you understand how that feels, though? I know, but I wouldn't make you read.

I think you would. No, I wouldn't. I'm a wild card. You are a fucking wild card. Yeah. But I wouldn't make you read. But I would fuck with you a lot on the set of something, without a doubt. I'd give you wrong call times. You'd show up way too early because I know you'd be late. Right? I'd make sure that you only had access to certain amounts of food, certain kinds of food, certain amounts of food. Right? What, you think I just need fucking wrong tons? And I would have a translator for you on set because no one can understand you. Oh, my God. Speaking of translator, you know, Neil...

Neil Brennan directed a movie called, with Will Ferrell produced it, it was about the cars. With Jeremy Piven. Piven, right. Yeah, this car salesman movie. He gave the part to Dr. Ken. Did you audition for that? Yes. Oh man, and he got it over you? Yeah.

I know. And I give them shit about it every time I see them. I'm being genuine. You didn't audition for The Hangover, right? No. They wouldn't see me. God, that would have been crazy for you, huh? I know. We wouldn't have been doing this show. You'd be so big. You'd be doing it with somebody bigger. Shut the fuck up anyway. Like Joel McHale. Because I remember being in the audition, though. Yeah. And doing a... I did a...

I did a whole... I did a scene. A couple scenes. Yes. Neil gets up from... I swear to God he does this. He gets up from fucking... You know what I mean? The couch or whatever. And there's probably eight people in the room. He comes to me and whispers. This is what he whispers. And he wasn't even kidding. No one can understand what you're saying. Why? I have no idea. You're mumbling? I don't know. I thought I did it good, but he goes...

No one can understand what you're saying. How do you take that note? Speak up. No, I did. I...

Then I did it again, and they're like, thank you. Yeah, you're probably mumbling. I wasn't fucking mumbling. Do I mumble now? I do mumble. In the business, they call you the mumbles. Yeah, do I mumble? I do mumble a little bit. Sometimes you mumble your way through words, or you say words so incorrectly that it might sound like a mumble. Yeah, but I do that purposely for comedy. I got it. Is Panda Express bad for you? Number one, is it the best Chinese food I've ever had? No. Number two. P.F. Chang's is.

Oh, it's the number one. P.F. Chang's is so good. It's so authentic Chinese. The lettuce cups? Dude, if you fucking went to the most Ching Chong-y town in China. Yeah, what is it? Right, and you opened up a P.F. Chang's, they would be like, oh my guy, this is high quality. You'd close down all the mouth. Who is P.F.? I want to meet him. Do you know who P.F. is?

Paul Frank. The clothing designer. Yes. He owns that. I know. Paul Frank Chang. Paul Frank Chan. Chang. Chang. That was his name. Yeah. He made shirts and lettuce cups. Yeah, he did. He was good. Yeah. Paul Frank Chang. You don't eat Panda Express. It's dog shit. You know what? Here's my qualms about Panda Express. Everything. It's bad. It's gross. No. There's a couple of good things in there. And they have their eggplant chips.

So if you live in the Midwest, they might not offer this. But in some cities, they do. You have a select menu of Panda Express? No, there are some cities that have eggplant tofu. Eggplant tofu. Yeah. Fried eggplant. But what I hate about eggplant tofu is people don't get it, right? So it's like, well, you'll go to a Panda Express and it'll say eggplant tofu, you know, against the window. Yeah. But there's nothing in it.

And you go, give me eggplant tofu. And then they get angry because they have to make it. So they always have to go. Why? Why? And then they have to turn it. They go, one eggplant tofu. Right. And then the chefs are like, we have to go get that shit in the back. Because no one orders. Yeah. So they have to get the fucking eggplant and tofu. And you can see them making it. Not good.

They don't cook it all the way and they just fucking, you know what I mean? There it is. That's their slogan. Panda Express. It's not cooked all the way. The eggplant tofu should be served in every fucking P.F. Chang. Do you eat Panda Express? Panda Express?

Do you like it? Yeah, I like it. She likes it. What? Just go to a mom and pop Chinese place. Which one? All of them. Century Dragon. High Hot Dragon. Yeah. You know, maybe we should get Chin Chin's. Chin Chin is... You like Chin Chin? It's okay. It's okay. Yeah. No, we're going to go Panda again. Also, can I just say something? I love Jersey Mike's.

You do? My bad. No, I like it. It's fine. No, Jersey Mike's. It's a sub above. It's better than fucking Subway. No, I don't eat that stuff. What, do you all really? Fucking, you're so fucking snooty, dude. Mm-hmm. Why, you have your own like meat cutting machine? In my house. I have a meat slicing machine in my house. Oh my God. And then I say to myself, I hold it up and I go, is that thin enough, sir? And I go, no. Do you do any fast food?

Yeah, I do fast food. I just don't like sub sandwiches fast food. I like a deli, a mom and pop deli that makes sandwiches. Fast food for me, my vice would be

I fuck with the McFlurry. McDonald's will forever be a place in my heart. McDonald's. It's McDonald's. It's the best breakfast on earth. You can't fuck with that shit. They beat everybody. I don't give a fuck if it gives me fucking colon cancer. I will fucking eat. Does it give you colon cancer? Whatever. Oh. Your asshole's petrified from eating too many Egg McMuffins. Is there a McDonald's nearby? Yeah. That's what I'd say. Let's unclog that motherfucker. What time is it? Is it before 1030? 1030.

It's all day now. Now it's all day. Yeah, thank God. Remember before it was 10.30? Yeah. You don't know about that, do you? It's 10.15, you're in traffic, and you're like... Come on! You're a half a mile from a fucking McDonald's, and then when you get there at 10.35... And they're like... Sorry, we switched over. We switched. Yeah, yeah. You have the material! It's right there! No, it's driving... Yeah, yeah, I hate it. No, but I'll fast food it. I'll fast food it, but...

I will say all the options that we have around us, there's so many better burgers I'd rather go get than a fast food burger. Shake Shack? It is a good fucking burger. It's a pretty good burger. It's a good fucking burger. It's a pretty good place. It's very good. Yeah. But also... But most of the time, most fast food, I don't really... I don't crave it. Like, I don't crave...

Taco Bell. Oh, my God. Can I tell you? We live in Southern California. When they first announced the Mexican pizza, did you know that I drove 100 miles to get it? Why? Isn't there like on every corner? No, but they announced it, but like Mexican pizza. And in my area, they didn't have it. Where was this? In San Diego or something? Or when you were up here? Yeah, it was San Diego. So I think I drove like to Irvine. Just to get a Mexican pizza? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it worth it?

No. No. No. I go, this is a taco, but flat. It's not good. No, it's not. But you know what? What's your fast food, Rudy? Jollibee. What? You don't know Jollibee? It's a Filipino. Oh, Jollibee. Jollibee is a Filipino. I've seen it. Right. I've lumped Jollibee in the same category as like Wienerschnitzel. Yeah. Places I don't go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wienerschnitzel. Oh, no. You don't fuck. Wienerschnitzel is one of my favorites. You're wrong. Crab salt bun? Crab salt bun?

Pretzel bun. Those are two words. Pretzel bun. No. You know why I love a pretzel bun? Why? Because they don't. It's like a thicker boat. Yeah. You know how you sometimes you see like. That's your nickname now is a thicker boat. Yeah. I love thicker boats.

Because you, oh yeah, you're a Chicago dog. Yeah, you go to a fucking ball game. You get that fucking weak-ass steamed bun. It's delicious. And the chili seeps through it and it gets destroyed in fucking three minutes. First of all, we don't put chili. Chili dog isn't a Chicago dog. 15 years they hold up. Yeah, that's not good. It's good for your stomach. No, it's not good for your stomach. 15 years that thing will fucking, you can still eat it. So Jollibee is your favorite route? Yeah.

What do you get there? I get chicken or the spaghetti. This place serves Italian and then just chicken? You said it was a Filipino restaurant. I wouldn't consider it spaghetti. It's not Filipino, is it? It's noodles with some sort of, you know what I mean? Suspect sauce. Wait, why did you say it's a Filipino place? It's not a Filipino. That's where it's from. Jollibee is? Yeah. And so what do you mean? They just do a plate of spaghetti? No, there's different kinds. You can have a burger...

Spaghetti and chicken. What the fuck is this place? It's everything? It's burgers, spaghetti, chicken sandwiches. Empanadas. Can you get an empanada there? Yeah. Yeah, you can get empanadas. You know, do never eat at a fucking restaurant that has three different fucking, you know what I mean? Three different ethnicities of food? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spaghetti, empanadas, and a burger? Yeah. No. That's your favorite Jollibee?

What else? Nothing else? Is that the one you like the most? McDonald's. Yeah, everybody. What's your order at McDonald's? Chicken. Chicken again? He loves chicken. Chicken nuggets? Chicken fuck up a chicken. Yeah, I like chicken nuggets too. But I want everyone listening to me hear this. If you go to Taco Bell, there is something on the menu that's not on the menu, but that you can order and they have to make it for you. What is it called? It's one of the original things that Taco Bell made. It's called the Enchirito.

Enchirito. Right. But it's not on the menu, but they have the ingredients for it. They're just hiding it. No, they just go. It's one of those things when I tell them to make that fucking egg black tofu where they go. And they have to make it. They make it. The Enchirito. Yeah. What is it? It comes in a black fucking box.

It's like a black plate. Really? Yeah, a plastic black plate. Are you fucking with me right now? I'm not kidding you. It's called the Enchirito. Okay. Basically what it is, it's fucking a bean burrito with enchilada sauce on it.

Or whatever the red sauce is. A bean and cheese burrito with red sauce? Yeah. That sounds so good. Right. And you have to eat it with a fucking spork because they have sporks there. Yeah. So what I do is I get the Enchirito and I'll just fucking try fire sauce on it. Yeah. It's pretty fucking good, man. Maybe I'll go get just an Enchirito. Get an Enchirito, dude. They might not make it for you. Why? Because I look like this? Maybe. Why would you get it and I wouldn't get it?

Because they'll probably deny it at first. They're going to make the Enchirito. Is there a secret password? What? You go, make it. Oh, this? You flick them off. That's it? You fucking make it. You just flick them off and they make it for you? Yeah, they do. We don't want to promote people flicking off people at Taco Bell. No. Please don't do that. But fast food is... Fast food...

It's a good thing. I love it. I don't eat it all the time, but I don't deny it. If you don't eat it all the time, if it's a daily thing. It's probably not good for you. It's not good for you. But I've been in an emergency before. Like a month or two, I'll go by and not eat any fast food. But like, you know, you have to be somewhere at six. Yeah. It's five o'clock. Yeah. You've been working all day, like meetings or auditions or whatever. And you're getting that headache. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I know that. I know you're talking about that sugar headache. I don't have it right now. I have a headache because I haven't eaten all day. Right. Yeah. And thank you for being a bad friend. Are you tired of aching calves from line dancing, rock climbing, or karate? Try Green Stuff. Our scientifically patented formula combines the carnivorous tree of the Amazon with the dust of captured angel's wings for a once-in-a-lifetime cure.

Green Stuff.