Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom
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I am going to Charlotte, Atlanta, you name it. I'm there. Kansas City, Cleveland. I am there. Come see me in Boston and St. Louis and Grand Rapids. Come on and see your boy. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Wow. Really?

Oh wow! You're not the Dark Knight! Wow, wow, wow! He walks in here like he's Bruce Wayne, this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mitt Reif! Sit down in the blue chair, my little prince. Is this tap? We have to refill the bottles, that is true. Guy sells out arenas and we give him the wrong address. He goes, wait right there, I'll pick you up. It's sweltering outside.

What address did you give him? And I had the funniest Uber driver on the way over. Put on your cans if you want them. If you don't want them, you don't have to. I'll wear them. I'll wear them. Hair's melted anyways. No, no, no. Beautiful fro. Fancy, do you care to talk about your mistake already? Yeah. I know this was coming. Just a number off.

just a number off of our address, our work address. So copy and paste is the thing that most people use pretty frequently or share the contact location. Yeah. We've been here for three years and you let our guests straight five miles down the road. Pretty bad. They have Google Maps in every country, every country. And by the way, five miles in Los Angeles.

A different state. Oh, yeah, but he said like 30 kilometers down the road or something. He doesn't know what's going on. Well, let's give it up for our beautiful, wonderful guest, Matt Rife.

Buddy. Buddy. Thanks for having me. Buddy, buddy, buddy. You know, I remember when you were a youngster. I know, dude. You were soft and young. You know what I mean? I know. Very malleable at the time. Yeah. First of all, he's still young. I'm a young girl now. People are young, but they can also be younger at one point. Yeah. I feel like you were never young. I feel like you were always...

Bobby, I don't know if you ever had a youthful phase. Dude, I'm youthful now, dog. No. No, really? You look like you sell gremlins now. Dude, that's so good. And I do. How old were you on Mad TV? 42.

I was in my late 20s. For real? Yeah, why? No, you started at 25, right? Isn't that what it was? 23 is what I started. Stand up? No, no, no. On Mad TV, 25, right? I was 30. Really? Yeah. You looked so young on that show. Yeah, he did. He looked like a little baby. I didn't even have hair down there. What? Yeah, yeah. I got my first hair at 39. Good boy. Yeah. Matt, how old are you now? I'm 28. You and I met...

I want to say, tell me if I'm wrong, 10 years ago? Is that how long I've known you? Yeah, I'd say so. I've been in LA for 11 years, so 10 sounds about right. I met you about 9 to 10 years ago. Bobby and I have known Matt for a long time. We've watched your ascension and couldn't be prouder and happier for a good person like you.

You're a good, great comic, good dude. And when, you know, sometimes, you know, when he was blowing up for a second there, I'd hear some girl's guy, well, he's just hot. And I'd just be like, no, he's got a skill set. You can't get there without the skill set. Because a lot of hot guys have come and gone in this business. And honestly, I've always thought you were ugly and you don't do shit.

- No, white dudes like you, it does nothing for me, me, me. - Really? Never? - Yeah, I'm not even nervous right now, Dan. - Who's your male celebrity crush? - I'm more of a Sandy Danto.

Sandy Danto-y. You know what I mean? I like Pudge, a little Pudge in there. Yeah, a little push in the push in. I like the black ones. You know what I mean? That's reasonable. You like the Ian Edwards? You like to think realistic. I was the polar opposite of Sandy Danto. I know. Can I have a variety? There's a variety of men that I want. I like that you like attainable, though. That's really nice. I think that you're getting somewhere. I don't think you can get Ian. What?

I don't think you can get Ian. I think you can get Ian. I don't know, dude. Well, first of all, Ian's a vegan, and you're the opposite of a vegan. I can get one of the Ians. I can get Ian Bagg. Yeah, you can get it. I can get a Canadian. I can get a Canadian. Yeah, for citizenship. Yeah, I can get Ian McKay. Not Ian McKay. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Did you spell my name wrong? What does it say? Matt Rice. Oh, yeah. I did it because I love everything is Asian. So when I read it, it just... Did you do this? Yeah, that's fancy.

- Hold on, is his name fancy? - Yeah. Not so more. - I'm so sorry. - Not so more. - What? - No, Matt Rice is because of Bobby. He dreams in Chinese. - I dream in Chinese, dude. - And with you, he dreams of you. Let's be real, you do look a little Asian. You do have a little bit of Asian. - Which country?

More jungle. Thai? Yeah, yeah. You look closer to South Asia. Okay. And it's because your hair is... Your nuts are like dumplings. I thought you were saying I look pre-op. Thanks. I appreciate it. Do you have even balls or does one hang lower? No, one's definitely lower. Which one? Do you know? I think the left. Everybody knows. I think the left. Left. I'm pretty sure. Are you left or right? Which one hangs lower, left or right?

They're all just equal. I'm Asian. You're an equal guy. Interesting. What about you? Science. I'm a lefty, but a lot of people are righties. I'm righties. Now I'm questioning. I know, dude. You look down at it. You can't tell. My left nut has always been longer than my right nut.

Fuck. But my skin is thick. My skin's thick. And it's extra wrinkly. It looks like it's wise. No, my- I mean, have you seen it? Ask him a question. Have I seen your sack? Ask his sack a question. No, but it's so wrinkly. Is yours wrinkly? Yeah. Yeah, mine's so wrinkly, though. Yeah. You know what it looks like? Remember in Aliens?

On the planet had the eggs. Uh-huh. Yeah, look you have that stuff on the outside I think I have that it kind of looks like the Ken Bay Mutombo's head your your nuts at yeah Let me see let me see like his bald wrinkly head. That's Bobby's balls look like brussels sprouts Yeah, you kind of look the top of the camp. Yeah, I'm not sack. Yeah. Whoa. No when it's shaved Yeah, yeah, anyway go back to the testicle thing. I want to I do want to see okay So unilaterally and bilaterally the left testes is usually lower than the right because if it's heavier weight and

So we're in the majority, my friend. I like that. But my mind doesn't sag. Can I just show you? Your nuts are tight. Yeah, please. Yeah. Matt, close your eyes. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Matt. Matt. What? I'm not kidding. They're the exact same size. No way. No, they're perfect. For real? Matt. Well, someone's going to get famous on TikTok. You do have very parallel nuts. How do you? Like I said.

Did it work at it or is it just naturally like that? Well, you know, I don't use it much. Well, you know how you can like... What? You know, for like a physical, you cough and they go up. Are you able to like cough one up higher than the other? No, no, no, no, no. I think there's only one in there maybe. Yeah, it just... There could be just one in the middle. That would make a lot of sense. Hold on. Can you look into this? Because I've heard this theory before that if the left one hangs lower, it's like you're supposed to be more creative. Hmm.

- Like left brain, right brain? - Yes. - Except the opposite for your balls. - But still a brain. - That makes sense. - You know how your nose is stuffy on one side and you lean to the other side and then the boogers will go and then you can breathe all of that. Yeah, that's what my nose is. - You can do that?

yeah yeah that's what my notes are like that yeah i've just stayed congested i know you know you've never laid in bed and like oh one side of stuff you should just lay on the other side and then just let the the boogers go on oh yeah you gotta try that i'm 28 and i'm just learning lay down on the bed and grab your legs and tuck them over your head and that yeah that clear me out you just reminded me dude when i was when i was uh going for basketball in high school they make you go get a physical you know you had to get physicals for school and i went to this like janky you

You know, I don't know, like a quick they needed me to go to like a quick doc, someone I haven't been to before. Back before. What do you call it? Urgent care was a thing. I went to like a local yokel and I just needed it because practice was the next day. So I go into this guy. I'm not kidding. I'll go with my dad. I'll never forget. He's like, would you like to come in the room? And my dad was like, no. What the fuck? No. Why would I go in the room? He's like, oh, just for safety and security. And he was like, no, it's fine. I don't want to see my son's penis. What? I get in the room. He's like, go ahead. I drop down.

He's feeling around, doing his thing, blah, blah, blah. Pull it up. I go back out. We're checking out. He's filling out the forms. My hand to God, he goes, your son's growing up. No. Your son's growing up. He had never seen me before. He didn't know. Ha, ha, ha.

I could have peaked. You know what I mean? I could have already peaked. He didn't know I was still growing. Whoa. But he said, your son's growing up. I don't like how much he really tried to sell your dad on the safety aspect. After like the third pitch, I would have been like, should I be in there with him? What are you going to do to my son? Yeah. Yeah, your son's growing up. That's what that guy said. He got disbarred. We sued him. So your dad's never seen your penis? Of course my father's seen my penis. What are you talking about? But he doesn't want to stand there and see a doctor examine it. Okay. Nah. Has your father seen your penis? My dad's dead, so probably. Okay.

Probably. His ghost. Oh, yeah. That's the worst. No, not now. As a youngster. Look at my car. As a youngster, you saw it, right? I don't know. He and my mom weren't even together when I was alive. How old did your dad die? How old were you when he died? One and a half. Oh, my God. Well, his dad just died. For real? I relate. How recently? Four years ago. That's not even just...

Yeah. It's a long time. Yeah. How old was he? He was like 80. 106. So you never knew your dad? No, no. He was like, I think he was 21 when he died. Oh, how did he die? Oh, wait, let's guess. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me guess. Always love a let's guess. Oh, I know. He was 26? 21. 21. Okay, I got it. Yeah. What's yours? 21st birthday, your dad goes out.

Right? He's partying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's having a good time. Somebody goes, what was his name? Mike. Mike. Mike, let's get on a motorcycle. Let's do wheelies. Yeah, yeah. Right? They're doing wheelies. Yeah. Really bad accident. Uh-huh. He's alive. Okay. He's totally fine. Yeah. He goes back to the bar, drinks some more, parties, picks up a strange man to hang out with to go do, go rootin' tootin'. Right. Goes back to the man's apartment. Boom. Boom.

Jeffrey Dahmer. Whoa. I'm not going to confirm or deny until Bobby pitches this. Okay, go ahead. Oh, mine? I know it fully. It's almost as if I was there. What happened? Fourth of July. Your dad was naked with a bunch of his buddies in the south, Arkansas.

In a backyard, right? He's not from Arkansas. He's from Ohio. He happened to be there on a business trip. Yeah, he was traveling. Your parents didn't know. Your mom didn't know. It was a secret. What was he selling on the business? He's a salesman, right? Firecrackers. Oh, he's selling firecrackers. It was 4th of July. State to state. Yeah, yeah. And he's going to LaSalle to sell this. You know what I mean? It's actually a trucking company.

Right? And the head of the trunking company's house, he was like, your dad was like, hey man, I have the best firecrackers. So they have a thing. They get drunk. They're all naked. Right? It's like eight at night. That's how you sell firecrackers. Right, right. You know what I mean? And there's no gay things going on. What? No one even said that. I know, but I just, they were. You didn't know my dad. Yeah, I didn't know your dad. They were like, they're poking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And then your dad, fuck, why you did this? He threw a little firecracker in the air. A sparrow came down.

bit the fucking firecracker, right? And started doing loopy loops. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? Like a sparkler in the sky, right? Right. And then your dad was naked. He bent over to get on the firecracker. The spirit goes right into his butthole. With the firecracker? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? There was an explosion. But he doesn't die. Wow.

But it hurts so bad. So bad. And here's the thing. They all start laughing. No. All the people. Yeah. All the people from the trucking company. That's how you greet. You fuck it. And they see the F word for some reason. Yeah. Why? I don't know why. Okay. It doesn't mean he's gay. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they spin on him too. Wow. I don't know why. It's a South. Right. But the Sparrow's still alive. Ha.

Dude, my mom listens to every podcast I do, and this can't be the one. The sparrow's still alive, dude. It's unbelievable. It's like a zombie sparrow, right? The wings are gone, spine, face, right? And out of the left eye of the sparrow comes out a little tapeworm. Oh, wow. This tapeworm, right, has fucking the first case of COVID. Whoa.

Way before Wu-Han did. A little Chinese tapeworm. Yeah. In the eyeball of the sparrow. Wow. What are the odds? Right? Yeah. Your dad's ass exploded. He's still alive? He's still alive, your dad. But he's like, call the cops! Strong guy. He was a strong guy. Yeah, his hands were in the dirt. The earth. Scratch. Call the cops!

Please or the police. I mean ambulance. Yeah, nobody's saying you said cops first. Uh-huh doesn't even know what he's saying cuz he's so fucking Honestly, right? No, dude this fucking little fucking maggot. No. Yeah, not a maggot try again this Worm it's a little worm tapeworm tapeworm. Yeah, you know in the South they call it both. Oh that you do you're right Yeah, right. It goes inside the opening of his ass and he gets in fact a died two weeks later. Anyway, what really happened?

It was a fucking Chinese tapeworm. Are you serious? From the Arkansas... How did you know that? Dude, I just fucking know. You read about it? Yeah. You yes-anded a sparrow in his ass? That could have been it. It sounded reasonable. Just good old-fashioned suicide. Oh, shit. I know. Oh, good old-fashioned. Good old-fashioned. The American dream, really. Was he depressed?

No, he was stoked. Yeah, he was the happiest suicide. Got a new gun. Yeah. He was on some uppers. I know. See you later, son. My God. Was he happy? Yeah, he was amped. What I was asking. Jesus. I'm walking on sunshine. Whoa.

Jesus. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That was rude. What I'm saying is that sometimes, you know. No. Yes. If he was drunk, right? He wasn't drunk. And he was thinking right, then maybe, you know what I mean? That's what I was asking. So he had you at 20 years old. Yes. Wow. And unfortunately took his own life a year later. I'm so sorry, man. I want to believe that didn't have anything to do with it.

It did. It almost certainly did. Had he known you'd be selling out arenas... He would have waited. Probably would have waited. Yeah. Would have stuck around. I would think so. Yeah. There's also a theory, my own theory, right?

He he's not even on the birth certificate because he did. He didn't think I was his because he and my mom weren't like officially. But do you think your mom was hooking up with other guys? Yeah, definitely thought she was. OK, she swears. Right. Right. I don't think I look anything like my dad at all. And my mom always tells me I look like this guy she dated in high school, like before she met my dad. So what DNA test? I've thought about it.

I thought about it. Dude, you gotta get a DNA test at the 23 and a half. But now it's like, but I don't want to like, now that I'm at where I'm at in my life now, I don't want to like go and tell this guy, hey, by the way, you got a golden ticket. No, you don't give him money. He doesn't get shit. Well, yeah, no, he earns it. He earns it. But it's like, what could I use him for at this point? Tour manager. Tour manager. Not a bad idea. Sneaker cleaner. Okay. Let me just say something to you, Matt. Okay.

That was the grossest way I've ever seen somebody drink in my life. Jesus Christ. So anyway. Like you were drinking it from a hose. Okay, come on. Let's move on. The fact that you guys have won any gold medals is insane to me. Yeah, yeah. We ping pong. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Congrats, by the way. Ping pong was huge. It was huge. It bow and arrow too. Archery. Archery, yeah. Yeah, we kill it. Yeah, you did okay. Okay, anyway, can I ask? How many gold medals does Korea have right now? Oh my God. Are you Korean? Yeah.

yeah for now fuck off 21 total medals nine goals yeah it's amazing yeah it's pretty good not amazing it's not america 33 okay yeah what'd you say britain britain is 33 yeah yeah us 61 medals come see about us wow yeah you know you know who's in first yeah but we're also the size of delaware korea yeah what does that have to do with it it's a small country dude so what go back up to the top yeah

France isn't fucking that big. No. France is not big at all. Yeah, okay, is it bigger than Korea, though? Everything is. Everything's bigger in Korea. Okay, no, okay, anyway, I forgot even what I was going to ask Matt, man. You were talking about his dad. How did your dad die? Oh, no. He choked on a piece of kimchi. It was awful to watch. He was there. He wouldn't do the Heimlich or anything. Oh!

I thought he was saying I'm joking because we were just fucking around the whole time we were eating dinner. I'm joking.

I'm okay. What I'm saying, let me go back. This is a serious point. He died of natural causes. He died of natural causes. But let me get to this point. Please. So one of my favorite shows I've talked about, I know you guys are bored that I talk about all the time, but Long Lost Family. I know, yeah. There's an episode of, have you seen it? I've never even heard of it. It's on TLC. It's one of the greatest shows ever made. It's pretty incredible to watch. It's incredible. What's it about?

It's about either someone that was adopted or somebody that gave up a kid for adoption. They try to find them and they reunite. And it's super sweet. Yeah. Okay. So there was this one girl on it. I think it was the first season. She's from California. Am I boring you? No, dude. I'm listening. Okay. I just don't like the way you do that. Okay. Where you go...

- Like that? - I was burping. - Okay. I'm not gonna start over. So anyway, so this is a girl, right? And when she was like 19 years old, some guy said, "You're Italian." She said, "I'm not Italian." "Look at your face, you're Italian." So she went to her home, she goes, "This guy said that I'm Italian, I'm not Italian." And then her mom goes, "Well, your dad's really not your real dad."

and told her that. - Oh, that would kill you, man. - It would kill you. - I feel like you would just keep lying. - Yeah, yeah. - At some point. - You would say, "No, you're not fucking Italian." - I think she would, the mom was holding in for so long and it was like, she was waiting for a window and that was the window again. - It was killing her. - It was killing her. And the girl freaks out, like, "What the fuck?" And she's like, "Yeah, I mean, that's your dad. "He loves you, like, you know." - Yeah. - She's like, "Yeah, but I wanna." So then 20 years later, this show comes about and she's like, "I'm gonna try to find this guy."

And he knew – so she had an animal sanctuary in California. She raised llamas and – You love santuaries. Any story with a santuary? A santuary? A sanctuary? Yeah, we're working on it. We're working on it. We're working on it. Right? And so they find the guy, right? And he's like a park ranger in Oregon, and he has an animal sanctuary.

- No way. - Yeah, yeah. - It's in her blood. - Yeah, so what I'm saying is that, you know, they, and then when they met, they look exactly alike. And they just, you can see in the show, they're just bonded. Like it was an instant. - So beautiful. - You're right. And so it's like,

She's not gonna go he's not gonna go hey can I have some of your mama's like that's your parent? Right no, they just want to be yeah, but yeah me so what I'm saying is is that because he has a bigger sanctuary than he does Right, you know he's not gonna fucking you know marsupials. He might yeah. Yeah, I don't got a lot of you'll think got a lot of platypus right So what I'm saying if you find your biological dad you just want to meet him and you who knows there might be a connection he might ask for anything how do

you know? You're like, you're assuming that that's like, you don't know. Because if he does, you know, let me put my fucking smart hat on. Okay. Okay, so...

It didn't work. Yeah, with your hair up front you look like that kid from Up. What? With your hair coming to the front you look like the little fat kid from Up. Oh really? Yeah, that kid. That's exactly what you look like right now. So fucking cute. Yeah, I'm so cute. You are so cute. That's you. That's 100% you when your hair goes up front. Wait, let me see if I can do that kid. That's you. That's you, dude. Adorable, dude. You're so adorable, dude. But I fuck like a machine.

And I have to throw that out there. So, so. No, I just know everyone, I'm cute, but ladies, I fuck like a machine. Anyway, okay. Did you ever, did you ever get a, did you ever get a backup dad?

A backup dad? Yeah, the stepdad. Stepdad, yeah. Of course. Is he still around? No, he and my mom got divorced like probably six, seven years ago, something like that. Now, is she going to swing again, your mom, or do you think this is it? Oh, she's dating a new guy. Yeah. Okay. She's dating a new guy. Would she get married for the third time, you think? She was never married the first time. Okay, right. Second time. What we're basically trying to ask you is if she was single and I'm single, can I go out with her? Because your mom and him might be the same age. How old is your mom? Oh, no. My mom's 48. What?

Dude, you're fucking 52. You're older than his mom. Your mom's 48? Yeah. I'm 52. I know. God, dude. I'm the same age as your mom. First of all, you could never. Yeah, you could never. She's an angel. No, stop. Stop, stop. No, she wouldn't. No, just stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Everyone stop. Okay? Okay.

Because what he just did. Maybe you stop, honestly. I'm sorry. I know he's a big star. He said you can't take his mom. My show, dude. Okay, dude, your show. All right. You're the captain. All right, so can we admit that? I am the captain now.

You are the captain. All right, so what I'm asking you, Mr. Rife, is that I ain't good enough for your mom, dawg? What is that? I don't know. Why did you change the South Korean? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, man, I ain't good enough for your mom, dawg?

No. He's from Ohio. She doesn't smoke American spirit. Okay. She smokes Marlboro Light. But if I called you and I said, yo, dude, Matt's your stepdad, Bob, that would feel weird? Yeah. Yeah. But why? I'm a good dude. No, you're not.

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Spiritual guidance? Yeah, spiritual guidance. Did I stutter, dawg? I did. Yeah. So you couldn't be my dad, possibly. What could you teach me about spiritual guidance? Like, are you teaching me how to fight my spiritual animal? Well, I don't know what the problem is right now, dude. Maybe I'm lost. What are you lost about? Maybe I'm trying to navigate who I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Okay, what I would sit down with you is right now is...

Seriously, an exercise. And I'd say just put your hands on the surface of that. Of this pool float? Yeah, pool float, yeah. And just really feel the texture, the temperature of it, right? Yeah, it feels plasticky. Feel your feet. You're grounded, right? Yeah, one of them. The smells right now.

Right? Whatever you're smelling, even the office smell, right? Edamame. Exactly. A little edamame, right? The air conditioning, you can hear that little, little purr, right? Yeah, it's a window. Right. And all those senses right now really just kind of fucking cling on to those fucking senses. Right now, that's the only thing that exists now. The present? The present moment. Is it working? Is it working? It's actually pretty good. Is it working? It's pretty good. What I'm saying is, is that Matt,

You see one side of me, but there's many sides.

to Namaste Bobby Lee. - Namaste Bobby Lee. - And I have other knowledge and wisdom that I could give you, but you're not open to it, right? So for you to say that I'm not good enough for your mother is quite frankly rude. - By the way, a spiritual, an aggressive, passive aggressive spiritual coach is so funny. - Yeah, man. - So funny, dude. - Passive aggressive spiritual coach. - What kind of toxic Mr. Miyagi shit is this? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Do you feel that?

For you to even think. All right, all right, dude. All right, all right. I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't. You gaslit me in my own therapy. Yeah. I know, I know, I know. His mom is an angel? I know she is. But, you know, it's just rude for him to say that. It's not, it's his mom. It's not that I think she could do better. I do. How about this? Here's what I'm afraid of as a third-party viewer of all this. Uh-huh. You're going to come in there and try to get into this family because you want some of his llamas. Mm-hmm.

I got llamas too though. You don't have as many llamas as he does. But I got llamas. Old llamas. And from different countries. Your farm needs a new fence. Okay. This motherfucker has acreage. Okay, can I just say. You understand? When it comes to llamas though, right? All you need is a certain amount of llamas to survive. Yeah, you were worried about selling out stand up live. Okay, so you're, you know what I'm saying? That's it. You know what I'm saying? It's a comedy club. Yeah, guy's doing fucking arenas. I think he's got a couple of more, a couple more llamas. We did sell out, but it's just different. We? Yeah.

Yeah, together. Together, yeah. Oh, really? Oh, really? All right. All right. You're a solo artist. Fine. Let's move on. Was Bobby on Dave? I can't wait till the E Street band leaves you, Matt. Yeah, yeah. Can we go back to...

So Matt, what I'm saying is that the guy that your mom's dating now, not that I want to destroy their relationship, but what I'm just hypothetically saying is that you've met him before? Yeah, you like him. So let me, I can already bet this. I might have more llamas than him. You probably do. Yes. Okay. Way more credits. And look at my MD. Has he been on TV or film?

He was in jail so probably cops. Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. True TV. That's a good show. Highly rated show. Bad boys. Yeah, yeah. Love that show. Also, I've never cheated on anybody. Good. That's a true thing. That's a good thing. I always pay for meals. Good. That's a good thing. Okay. Two for two. Ballet and whatnot. And guess what, pal? For your birthday, you get not something that has a price tag to it but something ingenious.

and something that you're going to go, you know what? I'm going to put this on my mantle. It's an origami towel? No, it isn't. You should see this guy make a swan on a bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's unbelievable. No, I would be very mindful about making you something that you're going to go, oh, that was really thoughtful. So that's it. Wow. I threw my pitch. Okay. What do you think?

Nah. Nah. Alright, alright. I'm out. You know why you're saying that? And let's move on. It's because I'm Korean. Yeah. No. Yeah, you're being racist. That's not true. That's not... I'm kidding. That's not true. Let's move on. Yeah, yeah. Are you... Well, my mom's single. Are you single right now? I am. Oh, you are? Good for you. Well, my mom's single. How old's your mom?

80? Ageless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ageless. But her vag, 23. Really? Yeah, yeah. Reconstructive or? Just oils and stuff. Essentials. You know.

She just burns incense above it. She lives in a genie lamp. You got to rub the lamp to get her out of there. Do you think your mom would ever date again? No, she's dead. The shop's closed. We'll see. Yeah, there's no more Mago. Old rickety gate down there. Yeah, it's rickety. So the last time I talked to you, you were in a relationship. Yeah. And then who broke up with who?

- We broke up. - Together, mutual. - That's the best answer I've ever heard, we broke up. - Yeah. - It's just not the right time. - Can I ask you what, 'cause I have a checklist of what I like in a woman. - Okay. - So can I ask you some checklists? - By all means. - Okay.

So from scale to 1 to 10, what's the number, the lowest number you'll go? Like – In terms of look, just physical. Aesthetically? Aesthetically, yeah. We're talking like LA numbers or like genuinely – Real world numbers. Real world numbers. An Ohio 8, I think. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Yeah, that's my standard. An Ohio 8. Ohio 8. That's great.

Does she need a college education? No. Okay. Do you have a college education? No. I didn't even graduate high school. Yeah, he didn't finish high school. Do you have a GED? I have what's equivalent to a GED. Can we order him a GED, please? Can you just get him on Amazon Prime? Yeah, you can. Yeah, we can get it same day if we order it before. What? Yeah. Okay, she says to you, Matt, I hate all animals. Ooh. Tough.

That's really tough. That's... Hates them? I mean, she's just like... I just like... If I'm around, I'll touch him and stuff. But it's like, I'll never own a dog or cat. Let's be two candidates for him. And you be that girl. I'll be this girl. And we'll see who... Okay. We'll see who... Well, let's start from the beginning because I want to introduce myself. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Pass.

- No, I'm sorry, go ahead. - Yeah, just disregard this. I'm a Ohioite. - Okay, okay. - Okay? Just visualize an Ohioite, right? - Okay. - Yeah. My name is Shooky Shooky. Yeah. And my last name is Shaka. So I go by Shooky Shooky Shaka. Okay? Junior. Anyway, so I...

I never went to college. I don't have an accent. I don't want to have an accent. You do. Shut up. Shooky, Shooky, you do. I don't want one. Okay. Because I don't think you'll like it. All right. I might like it. No, no. I just want to do this. I'm Shooky, Shooky, Shama. Okay. All right. Okay, Shooky. Yeah. All right. Anyway, yeah, so I never went to college, but it's like...

I really don't have any dreams or aspirations and I hate animals. Like if I see a llama or if I see like a mongoose or something, I'll go, oh, look, there it is. And I might like touch it, but it's like, I have no connection. I've never connected with an animal. And I just think the animals are out there for eating.

You won me at the end. Yeah. Big fan of eating animals. But also, I feel like animals kind of connect with your soul a little bit. So to have never connected with an animal is a bit of a red flag. A little bit. But I have a talent. And what's that? And I make sculptures out of pine cones. What's the scale of these pine cones? Gigantic. I use maple syrup because I'm Canadian as well. Yes.

Shooky Shooky the Canadian H. Yeah, Shooky Shooky Shaka the Canadian. And I do this art with pine cones and needles. Pine needles. Alright. I like a girl who sells shit on Etsy. This is fun. And the last one I did was I did a big sculpture of Brian Ferry. Of what? Brian Ferry, the lead singer of Roxy Music. You described it and somehow I knew less. And also Toto. The band Toto? No, Toto the dog.

From Wizard of Oz. Yeah, it's like a brine fairy and Toto's on his shoulder. And the other one, right, is Jaime. Jaime from Harry Potter. What's her name? Hermione? Hermione. Yeah, and it made Hermione out of all pine needles. I'm back in. Yeah, it just doesn't look spiky. What's your Harry Potter house? My Harry Potter house? Well, you know, it's like I don't do Dumbledore. You think the house is Dumbledore?

Well, I fucked him when I was there. I fucked him when I was there, which is he's old. But no, Hufflepuff. I'm Hufflepuff. Okay, that's pretty innocent. Ravenclaw. I kicked out of Ravenclaw. You know what I mean? But Hufflepuff for sure. Who's this? Yeah, who's this fine piece of meat? Whoa. First of all, hey. Yeah, we've met. We've met. Remember, so go ahead. I'm Martha. I'm 6'8". I like sushi.

I don't- I have never wiped once. Poop or pee. I don't believe in matching shoes. I drive a Geo Metro. I live in Acton. Acton? Acton. Acton, Ohio. Yes.

And I'll suck your bone dry. Sold. Wow. It's literally all it took. Dude, wow. It's pretty easy. It's all it took. So the sucking bone dry is good. Yeah, man. No pine cones. Just get you the fucking potatoes. She has a dream, you fuck face. Ew. I'm trying to support my own. No, I know. Are you crazy? You don't want somebody that has a dream, fucknard? No. No. All right. No, preferably they have a dream. Here's what I don't like. When I'm going on a date and I go, what do you want to do? And they're like, fuck.

I don't, nothing. Oh yeah, that's insane. That's such a turn off. You know what's interesting? I'm sure you're a very eligible bachelor, right?

What are you now doing? Because you're not on the apps. What are you doing to meet people now? I don't meet anybody. I don't date anybody. If it's organic and you meet through a friend or through the grapevine. I suppose, but dude, I'm... But you're out. For now, you're not interested. Yeah, I'm not interested in anybody. Good for you. I just can't. Stay working. Actually, but be careful on the work part. Do you remember what I told you at Burt's premiere? Do you remember when I pulled you aside and what I told you?

Yeah, don't go to Bobby's house. Don't go to Bobby's house. Verbatim. What'd you say at first premiere? I said to you, I'm proud of you. I'm happy for you. And I said, just don't let them work you to death. And they sure did. And then within like a month, we were in Riverside or some shit. And this motherfucker announced like a three-year tour. I'm like, they got his ass. They got him good, dude. How are you feeling touring as much as you are? Well.

Well, I had to take two weeks off because I thought I was going to fucking die. I went seven straight days without a single minute of sleep whatsoever. Wow. And I was doing this casino in, was it Sun Valley in NorCal? I don't know. Maybe. I have no idea. One of those casinos up there? Yeah, sure. And I was on like five.

four days of no sleep. And I'm sitting down. I got this fucking wireless hands-free mic now. Yeah. I'm one of those. Yeah. Little hands-free boy. And I'm like holding, I'm sitting down the whole time holding on to the stool, like trying to keep myself from like falling over. I can't look out into the crowd. My vision's just going so in and out. And I'm like, if I just get through this, I have three days off before my next show, I'll just rest. I didn't sleep for those entire three days. Why? So then when I just...

I couldn't sleep. I just can't sleep. I'm glad you didn't remember it because it was a good piece of advice. But I did mean it when I said it to you because I'm being genuine. I've known you for so long. I've seen your career. It's been wonderful. You've been humble the whole time. You've been a gracious dude. You've worked through all sorts of bullshit, a lot of up and downs from a perspective that America may not know.

you know, I've seen you do the gambit. I've seen you run the gambit from a, from, from a, from a very low, low level that I saw you at when you first started and you were young. And I think what's wild is people think, well, this is what you asked for. But when I meant, when I said that to you was because we're a little older, I've seen it before. And I was like, just don't let them run you into the ground. And of course they ran you into the fucking ground. And I, we had heard, cause we know your old team or, and all that stuff. And

When you announced all that shit, I thought, you got to be careful, dude, because they'll work you till you break. You're also allowed to say no. You're allowed to say no. I didn't know that at the time. When you're used to having nothing, hearing no, no, no, no, no, and then you're getting all yeses, of course you don't know how to. When they're offering you a paycheck for one show that's more than you've ever made in

your entire life combined. Yeah. Who in their right mind knows how to turn that down? Dude, trust me. I told you. I get it. And I said, go get your thing. But also, you have to watch out for you because you will have an emotional breakdown. Of course. Theo's talked about it. We've talked to Theo about it. He called me just the other day to check in. He's had big, heavy hits where it's tough. Sometimes if you're just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, this is not

This goes away. You lose your shit. The last year and a half, I've been doing 40 to 50 shows a month. Oh my God, dude. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's been fucking amazing. Do you owe the mafia a bunch of money? What the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? A gambling problem? I thought I could handle it. I really thought I could do it. I promise you can't. Apparently, I couldn't. When I had to take these two weeks off from shows, it was fucking brutal. I never thought I was going to have to do that, but I was just like, I cannot do it.

Yeah.

I'd go outside, I'd see the sunlight for like two minutes a day walking to the gym and walking back and then I'd do the shows and repeat. So when I had to come back here and take all these doctor's appointments, they were like, oh dude, on top of you have like severe insomnia and like really bad anxiety. I don't know if you've ever talked to anybody about this before, but it's not even that you have a bad circadian rhythm, you don't even have one at all. It's like, you know when you have a baby, you have to like teach your baby when it's supposed to go to sleep, like what night time is, right? That's all based on sunlight.

I never knew that. I knew sunlight was good for like vitamin D or whatever and good for like your immune system, but I had no idea it had to do with your sleep clock as much. So my body and brain had no idea when it was supposed to go to sleep.

ever. Wow. So I had to like, those two weeks off, I had to like retrain my brain to like be like, okay, stick to some kind of loose schedule. Yeah. And new meds. Are you staying clean outside of that though? You're not a big drinker, drug user. You don't do any of that stuff. I don't really drink unless I'm like, I mean, maybe like, maybe four times a year I'll drink. But stay off of it because that's the one thing that I think gets people. You're on the road and you think, well, I'll do this because this will help or I'll pop a pill or take a drink or smoke or, and it's,

that's when it starts to spiral, especially in your case when you're like just constant, constant, constant, constant. So it's good to stand away from it. - But also Matt, serious note, I'm gonna put on my serious hat. It's about longevity too, you know? - Of course. That's the hard part. - Him and I, we've been around for a long time, you know? - Him longer than me. - How old are you, Santino? - 40. - He's 40.

Yeah, I'm 52. Wow. But I've looked 40 since you met me. I started when I was 23. Oh, my God. And since the 90s all the way to now, and it's like, and there was a lot of opportunities I didn't get. And also, I admit, I was never, like, the kind of what you got, you know what I mean? I never got. What? What do you mean? Well, you were never. What?

Dude, dude. You're being so fucking rude right now. It makes me so fucking mad. You were never hot. That's not even what I'm fucking about right now. You were never hot. No shit. That's not what I'm saying. No shit. You didn't get a phone call. Oh, dude, you make me so. You haven't made me this mad since the early days, dude. Good, dude. Fuck you, dude. Shut up. Oh, you. Fuck you, porky. God damn. God damn.

This is so hot. Anyway. Yeah, you never got these opportunities. But you got some amazing. That's what I'm saying. But you had amazing opportunities. I've done a lot of great things in my career. You have. But what I'm saying is that just know that you're always going to work. I think the thing in our minds is like, if I don't do it now, it's going to disappear. Of course. It's not. It comes about in different forms.

You might do... See? See? You might do bigger things, right? Or you might... You know what I mean? There'll be a couple of slim years, but trust me, you will have... You'll come back, and then you'll... Back, and that's what life is. Like this, like a... Are you okay? No. Fuck, dude. It's like this, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, the roller coaster. Back and forth like this. This feels racist even you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what, you know. That's the inside of your grandfather clock. I need to drink some water. Hold on. Yeah, you need to get your sleep schedule right because it's healthy for you, dude, to get back to square one. Then you get healthy. I underestimated it.

Physically and mentally. Because I think the mental thing is you're in the gym all the time. But that's not helping this thing. No, of course. Just because you're staying in shape, it's not going to help your brain. And a lot of people don't understand. It's like, okay, you get to this point. What is there to be anxious about? Like, you made it, right? But it's like, okay, well, how do you keep making it? It's easy to have a hot couple of years. But then you go, okay, the anxieties of like, okay, am I ever going to have money to support a family or anything like that? That's cool. That's taken care of. But it's like, what's...

how hard this moment is right now, I go, fuck, like what, what's the next 60 years? Well, but who cares? I would say this. I'd say the one thing I would say is,

If you're not enjoying it, no matter what you acquire will never be worth it. That was no matter what you consider, no matter what comes, if it's not fun anymore and it's just work to, for the prospective future of the hope that I'll be settled at some point, you're never going to, you're going to lose your mind and you'll get there and you'll be miserable as fuck. You'll have whatever you need and you'll go, fuck, this sucks. I don't even like this. Yeah. There would, there would definitely be times in doing, you know,

10 to 14 shows a week that I'm like there was nothing that upset me more than whenever I would go I don't feel like performing it's like do you have a theater full of fucking people yeah you would have killed to just have one of these shows like this ever in your lifetime and you didn't feel like doing it because it felt like Groundhog Day over and over again so the bet the best part was like having my friends around to remind me of that and make the entire experience as fun as humanly possible how many people do you take on the road uh there's my videographer my photographer um two openers

Two people. Same two guys? Yeah, hosting a feature. I keep the same host and then my feature is just kind of in and out. Yeah. Yeah, it depends. I just said Eric Griffin was with me in Atlantic City. Hosting? No, featuring. Let's move him down to host. Happily. Yeah, let's move him to host. He loves you so much. He loves you so much. Yeah, he talked about you last night. I ran into him last night. Oh, really?

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At Banner Health, we're here to provide more than healthcare. Whatever you're planning, wherever you're going, we're here to help you get there. Banner Health. Exhale. So that you don't say it. Bobby. So you know who Guy Torrey is? Yeah. So Guy Torrey once told me, he goes, you know why I'm happy? I go, why? In my career? He goes, I don't have like the amount of money that some of these other guys have, but every year there's certain milestones and markers that I look for.

And it's, am I doing something different than I did last year? Right? Because the whole thing about this business is about surprise and living life experiences. And Matt, you know, maybe you'll spend a year maybe doing a movie. You have some movies coming out, right? Or no? You already shot some? No, we've got like six in development for next year. That's what I'm saying. Once those start...

then you're going to be in a town for a month and a half doing that and meeting different actors and doing that creatively. You're going to do different things, right? So just as long as every year you're mixing it up and not just constantly touring because then that would be, that's like a sad life. You'll burn out. You'll burn out. Just burn out. We don't want you to burn out. I think that was pretty good advice. That was really good advice. That was really good advice. Thank you. All right. I need to ask this because I know it's not favorable conversation, but

I am curious. You have become very successful since we've seen you on this rise.

Have you spoiled yourself? Have you done something where you're like, I bought a thing and I did a thing. Yeah. And I never could do it before. I bought my mom a house was the first thing I did. Great. Great. Class act. Class act. Class act. I just bought my first house. You bought her a house first? Yeah. You're a class act. What city did you buy it at? Mine or hers? Hers. Hers. She's in Georgia, outside of Atlanta. Book a flight. Yeah.

Okay, good to know. Just give us the address. Yeah, yeah. No. And then you bought one here in LA? No, I don't live here anymore. I live in Rhode Island. Wow. Why?

This city's dead, dude. There it is. This city's so... There's no energy. Drive down Sunset Boulevard on a weekend night. There's no traffic. Why'd you pick Rhode Island? It wasn't even the top ten places I looked, trust me. There was three things on my checklist. I wanted land. I wanted to get what I was actually fucking paying for. And I found this massive place for probably the same prices. A two bedroom with no yard. Yeah, two bedroom, one bath. Yeah. Out here. Yeah. Wanted to get what I was paying for and land.

Uh Needed to have some kind of a comedy scene And Providence Has a comedy connection out there It's a great club Sure Boston's 45 minutes away Right Amazing comedy scene And also convenient for travel Well I guess that was a third Um

And Providence is like my Burbank airport and Boston's my LAX. So it really stays by the same. But dude, it's so beautiful. I've never been a morning person as we just discussed my sleeping problems. Every single day I wake up there, the seven days I've been there in the past four months I've owned it. Yeah, you don't even live there. I wake up so happy. It is so fucking beautiful. That's wonderful, dude. Yeah, I'm so happy I did that.

So nothing here, no apartment here, no connection to Los Angeles anymore? No, I couldn't do it. My business managers explained that I looked into even just getting a condo here or something. If I own any kind of property here because I've lived here for 11 years, they'll say that this is still my permanent residence and that that's my vacation home somewhere. So I'll still get California taxes. I was like, nah, fuck that. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah. Rhode Island. Did you ever visit it before? Nope.

Wow. No, I just went, I was performing at Mohegan Sun. Five shows out there or something light like that. Did she always drop that? It's about an hour away. Is she what he just did? Don't like it. They made us play the parking lot at Mohegan Sun. We did Mohegan Sun set. We didn't even get the fucking full sun. Yeah.

Mohegan Moon. Oh, yeah. Fuck, dude. It was an hour away, and I found it on Zillow. And I was like, oh, I'll peep this real quick. We went and checked it out, and I was like, oh, this is like one show at Mohegan Sun. Awesome. Wow. Good for you. It was awesome, dude. Wow. Buying your mom a house first was a class act. That's a cool thing to do. Now, when you told her, how did you tell her?

I told her, I called her, I was like, hey. I called her, it was maybe like a week after the tour sold out. And it was obviously the first time I knew I was going to have any money at all. I was like, hey, in your fucking face. I told you I was a silly bitch. No, obviously, no, I called her very lighthearted. I was like, hey, things worked out, finally. Now that I have some money, I want to take care of you. You still have to work, but your bills are taken care of. Wow. I bought her a car the year before when things were just...

kind of starting to take off a little bit. Oh, wait, let's guess the car. Can you guess the car? Go ahead. Hers? Yeah. A Tesla. No. In Georgia? She would have no idea what to do with a Tesla. He bought her an F-350. She would think it's possessed. A lifted truck. An F-350 lifted truck with hydraulic jacked up. Truck nuts. Yeah, truck nuts dangling. Smoke stack. Yeah. Come on, Matt, let's go, dude. Oh.

Who'd you buy her? She wanted a Hyundai, dude. Really? Yeah. Humble, humble pie. That's awesome. She thought it was a nice car. They are really good Korean cars. Yeah, very good. Is Hyundai Korean? It's got that lifting and lift and inspection. Beepa beepa. Yeah, she didn't ask for anything crazy. Go to that. Go to the house. She was excited about it. You know, best son ever. Oh, pride? Yeah, it was the first time I had heard that. Do you have a sister or brother? Yeah, I have four sisters. Are they by lot or half? No, three half sisters, one half.

Three stepsisters, one half-sister. One half-sister. We don't know who's biological is this guy. I know, right? None of them might be biological. Are you closest with the half-sister at all? Closer than the stepsisters, yes. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I would say so. Is one of them an evil stepsister? An evil stepsister? Yeah, like the fairy tales? None more than the others, I suppose. If your stepsister went, hey, man, down on my luck.

I've been using fentanyl. Yeah, yeah, fentanyl. I'm not shooting it up anymore, you know what I mean? I drop four of them in my eyeballs. I just drip them in my eyeballs. Anyway, I need about 20 grand because I'm dying. I would say Bobby Lee is single, and he has a lot of llamas. Hit him up. You would do that? I would do that for you. I would. I would do that for you. I don't want your sister. You don't want all three of them? No.

Are they hot? Okay. No. Turned right around. What do you mean? You were first no, then you were like, oh, are they hot? When you ask, like, you know, A, is your brother hot? Why is that? Like, your sister. Your sister's hot. You have a hot sister? This is why. Your sister's hot, and guess what, dude? Yeah, dog. Do you want me to hurt you today? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing? You got to go? No, I'm sweating. Oh, man. Look at those stretch marks from when he gave birth. Isn't that great?

You don't got anything like that. How many days of the week are you in the gym, bud? Five? Six? Six or seven. Listen to that, Bob. How many days of the week have you gone to the gym this year? How many days have you gone to the gym this year? I haven't been in the gym in 12 years. And look at this. And this looks good. This is good. I don't do any movement.

Like, I rarely move. A little mental movement. I do, but it's like I don't do really anything. I go upstairs. That was kind of a crunch, the lean back again. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Don't shame me. I'm not. I'm hyping you up. Yeah, yeah. I'm not chiseled like you. Does anybody's voice go this high?

That's hype, dude. That's all hype. Yeah, but I do fine in the arena of the opposite sex, even though I look like this. No, but I say I want you to go to the gym for your health. I don't give a fuck about the women. I'm trying to get my doctor to get me on a Zympic. Please don't do that. Would you really do it? I'm asking my doctor to do it. Please don't do that. I have to do it. Please, Bobby. Who's your doctor, Ken? Yes.

And there goes my career because I'm not as close. That was a lot. I know. That was a lot, dude. It was a big laugh. It was a great joke. It was a good joke, but that was a lot. I know. I just knew how it would affect you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh. No, I'm going to get on it. I'm going to get on it because. Please don't do it. I swear to God. It can't be good for you, dude. I don't care. I'll die.

Let's go to the side effects. Yeah, let's go. Oh. Nausea, constipation, you have those already. Diarrhea, you got it. Dizziness, you got it. I have all of it right now. But thyroid cancer. I don't have that. Burping? Yeah, you do that on this show constantly. You saw that? What's dysphagia? Dysphagia? Dysphagia? Oh, you mean dysphagia right here? Dude, dude, dude.

Oh, zempic breath. What do we think that smells like? Dude, that was funny. Thanks, dog. Don't do it again, dude. Shut up. Do what I want. It's my show. Hypoglycemic blurred vision. Oh, my God. Yeah. All right, look at this. One theory suggests the drug could be contributing to gut dysbiosis, gut imbalance of bacteria in the intestine that can lead to a variety of digestive problems and oral health issues such as bad breath. Okay, okay, okay. It's fine. I'm going to do it for like a couple of months. Please don't. I have to do it.

I look like shit. And then you know what? Dude. You don't look like shit. You look wonderful. I just want you to... You look good. You look good. If you walk every day two miles. Listen. Two miles a day. This is the truth. Okay? Yeah. I was with a girl a couple of months ago. And she goes... And she goes...

She saw my naked body. We were in bed. She saw my naked body. Were the lights on? Yeah, the lights on. The lights, yeah, the lights are on. They're dimmed. Yeah, they're dimmed. They're not like these lights. And she was looking at it, not in a disgusting way, but more in, like, you know, like, you know when you used to dissect frogs at the, in biology? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? Looking at it. What is that? What is it? Is that supposed to be out like that? She goes, there's something wrong with me. And I go, why? She goes,

Because I know who she used to date. I dated these guys, and then this is, and I go, I looked at her with my doughy eyes, and I go, I'm so sorry. And she goes, no, I think you're sexy. I just don't know why. Well, because you, your aura. And as soon as she said that, I was like, oh, a zimp it.

I have to be on it. No, she likes your aura. She said you're sexy. Yeah, but you can love. He didn't even fucking. He questioned it. You can love like a purebred golden retriever and still adore like a dog from the pound. You know what I mean? That's right. Matt, you think I look like shit? No. No. Anyway. So don't, Korean Elvis. It's so racist. No, it's not. Yes, it is for us. I still can't get over the fact that you moved all the way east. Yeah, it bums me out. Because we have no allies here anymore, man.

No, man, you just- you don't have to live here anymore. In the entertainment industry, you don't have to live here. Promise me one thing. We will see you on January 6th. You gonna come back? What's January 6th? Okay. Dude, when we- Don't play dumb with us. When we go to the Capitol again, our yearly trip. Oh! Oh, oh, buddy. The excursion. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Why do you think I moved closer? What are you saying, dude? Get the bricks. I have some good bricks just to see. Now, are you gonna- are you gonna break in when who wins?

Anybody. We're there no matter what. It doesn't matter. Okay. I like this. You are much closer. We could use your house as a hub. I love DC. You got a lot of land. Does anybody live with you or are you by yourself on this? I live with two of my boys and there's another house on my property that I also bought that another friend of mine is going to move into.

You would never charge any of these people rent or anything? No, of course I do. Oh, you do? Yeah. It's not a lot, but I believe you still have to have responsibility. Keep appearances. Otherwise, keep up appearances. They won the lottery, your friends. Yeah.

No, because yours were friends. Yeah, but what I'm saying – Yes, but they also earn it. You know what I mean? Like all of them work for me. Yeah. And they fucking earn that money. Like it's so great when I can't sleep and I'm up until 2 o'clock in the morning editing my own shit. When I can text my videographer and be like, hey, when you wake up, if you can see this. And he's like, dude, I'm also up working right now. I'm like, I fucking love that.

You still are doing work? You're still cutting clips? You're not making other people cut? Yeah, I have to cut them because I just don't trust anybody else to do the exact timing. I mean, you know, a half second beat can change a joke, right? So it can just lag on. I don't trust anybody else to edit it comedically. So then I edit it comedically and then I send it to him and he does the camera switching and the captioning. It's funny because we don't do any of that shit. We have no idea. No, we just let them do it. I have no idea how to do it. I mean, I, in theory, could learn or I've learned in the past, but...

Oh, no, bro. I had to go to my friend's house and he had to download Premiere Pro on my laptop and then I recorded him teaching me for an hour how to do Premiere Pro. And then for like months after, I had to watch that video anytime I was editing. That's awesome, though. Wow. The fact that you did it, though, is great. I mean, that just shows you're still doing it on your own and like...

I didn't have any options. Do you have a dog? No, God, I want one. You gotta get a dog. I'm gone too much. I can't. I know, that's the thing. I'm not gonna get a little dog. So the guys, they go on tour with you? Yeah, they're going on tour. You gotta get a couple of guys that live there that don't go on tour with you. So they can take care of the cat. Because I know you're gonna get one dog and two cats. No. I can feel it. No, no. More dogs than cats. No, he's gonna get one dog. You're not gonna like the cats.

I might get a little farm cat. Yeah, yeah. That could be kind of cute. You mean an outdoor cat? Yeah. I have three cats. They're the best. They're all outdoor cats. How are they? They're inside. Ming just pisses us all over every furniture that I have. Yeah, it's awful. It's awful. Which one's your favorite? Gooner. Gooner's the best. His name is Gooner? Yeah, do you know why? Why? Well, your little mind can't understand it. That was so rude.

It's not even like a team. You're right. Dude, that was so rude. He's an Arsenal soccer fan. A what? Arsenal. Team Arsenal. Is that a soccer team? Yeah. North London. No-flun-don.

North London. Beans on toast. North London. Over here, we root for fucking Arsenal. I'm his friend, I'm me. You know we root for fucking Arsenal. Anyway. How come you don't play England, Matt? I am. In September, I'll be in all of Europe. Well, you're coming finally, mate. I'm coming. What are you playing? The O2 Arena.

Not yet. What are you playing in England? I don't even know. There's a bunch of theaters. The Royal Wonga Donga Palace? I want to do Royal Albert Hall more than anything. Oh, we'll let you in. We'll have to talk to the Queen. Get a digger up. Yeah, we'll dig her up. Is it all right, lady, if old Matt Rife plays the Royal Albert Hall? Yeah, you're so good. What a talent. We'll get you a whole plate of bangers and mash, Matt.

Dude, we should start a sketch group. Don't you think we should start a sketch group? No, man. Okay, forget it. Can I just say one last piece of advice before I, you know what I mean? More advice. One last one. Yeah, all right. Okay, last thing is, because you got to be very picky on what projects you do, okay? No, take them all. No, no. Yeah, take it from this guy. I passed on Borderlands. I'm way ahead of you.

This guy's so good. I'm kidding. They did not offer it. They did not offer it. No, what I'm saying is, you know, like when Paul Shore, Pauly Shore was, like he said yes to the first five things. Yeah, but Encino Man was a hit. They're all fucking iconic, dude. Son-in-law. These were all hits. I love it. Right, in the army now, you think that's a masterpiece? I love it. Okay, okay. It actually was a great movie. I love Pauly, sorry.

Are you talking about me, bruh? Don't yawn. Are you yawning? Are you tired from giving people the wrong address? What's exhausting? Fucking up your gig? The amount of times these guys are fucked up. We gave him a raise. I think we just gave him a raise. He keeps fucking up. Don, please. He's going through some personal things. What? He's going through some personal things. I heard you were going to send him to Spain. Are you going to get a double mastectomy or no? Yeah, finally. Wait, mastectomy? Yeah, he's got breast cancer.

Look at those titties. - You're lying. Do you really? - Yeah. - You for real have breast cancer? - Mm-hmm. - Like not for the bit, like do you for real? - Yes. - He doesn't know how to not do the bit. You know what, by the way, good for you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that was great. - Yeah, it was actually good acting. - It looked real. - Yeah. - Yeah, he doesn't have titty cancer. - You are the only guy I know that is of your weight class and size that has small tits.

You have nice little tiny B cup tits. Yeah, they don't point. Good for you. All my weight's in my stomach. Yeah. Would you prefer it in the tits, honestly? I would. Maybe the dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you having, okay, so are you eating like a maniac? Are you doing all this, you doing diet bullshit? No, dude, that's my biggest thing. I don't eat enough for sure. I have such a fast metabolism. That's why I work out every day because I don't retain any size. What do you eat? Are you eating anything fun or no? Yeah, dude, no, I eat fun shit all the time. You're not eating just like chicken and vegetables every day? No, I'll do burgers and shit. You do whatever? All the time. Isn't that nice to be that age? You can just do that all the time. Yeah. I have a cheeseburger. I can't do anything for like a week and a half.

Even acai bowls, I can't do anymore. No. Yeah, because it's so much sugar. It's too much. My left foot fell asleep yesterday. Yeah. Out of nowhere. For like a whole day, my left foot was like asleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to cut it out, man. Yeah. My sugar tooth, my sweet tooth has gone through. Since I put away booze, man, my sweet tooth. You don't drink at all?

No, I don't not drink at all. I just go through phases of when I just stop and then I have a couple and then I stop. I do NA beers once in a while. I like those. Non-alcoholic beers. Yeah, I love one. That's the most alcoholic thing I can imagine drinking. Well, dude. Here I am. To like to drink for the flavor but not the results is insane. I love it. I like the flavor of beer. I do like the flavor. That's so gross. See, de-alkalized liquor, terrible.

Like bourbon, de-alkalized, that's there. But an NA beer is pretty fucking close to the same thing. Dude, beer tastes like piss, dog. Well, when you grow up, you'll like it. Heineken makes... I'll let you know in eight years. I got you. Heineken makes a double zero beer that I think is... I don't know what... It tastes... It's so clean and good. It tastes just like that. And if I'm out with friends...

I'll have one of those instead of getting cooked because I just so crazy. I know. What do you drink, Bobby? When I do cowgirl. Piss. Cups of piss. When I do cowgirl, I have to put a pillow between my back because my back hurts. When you're riding somebody? No. Do you do reverse cowgirl when you're on your buddy? No, when she's on me, I have to put a pillow on my back because it hurts my back. Yeah, we're getting older. Enjoy it right now, dude. It's all going to break down. I don't think so. Would you like a drink?

I like to drink, well, I'm in AA, you know that, right? You really? Yeah. For how long? Almost three years. Really? No. Two and a half years. It's been two and a half years. That's almost good, dude. Thank you, man. Of course. And so, but you know, if I was drinking those fireballs, I really liked. Fireball? Yeah. Like the little, like a cinnamon whiskey? Yeah.

Really? I like that. Those get shit on a lot, but they actually taste kind of good. I like it. I would get those right from the, in Hawaii, they have the little bottles. I used to drink like 15 of those. All right, that's enough. No, what? I love it. Remember? Yeah, we do remember. Yeah, yeah. Because I relapsed when they were in this. In Hawaii? Well, they saw me in Mexico and I got drunk and they had to follow me around and be my chaperone. You had to send them to rehab. After Hawaii. After Mexico. Oh, yeah.

Somebody got shot at the resort next to us. Remember that in Cancun? No fucking way. Yeah. A tourist? No, no. They never kill a tourist. They kill a local. Oh, so it was a cartel. Cartel, 100%. No fucking way. They walked up to the guy, shot him, and then they walked out casually. I think they took a mint on the way out. Very smooth. Yeah, yeah. It was really like they would never hurt a tourist. It would fuck up their business.

That's what I've heard. But they tried to shut down the resort. Remember this? It was a panic. And then I was freaking out because I had to put him in rehab. And he was causing me a lot of anguish. And I was trying to find where he was off to. And he was hiding. You were hiding? Yeah, well, he was asking other people to buy him booze. And then he got in a fight with me because I wouldn't get him alcohol. Yeah, yeah. And then he locked himself in his room. And he got shit on the wall. He pooped all over the wall. No, he did not. Yeah, he did. You shit on the wall? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And those are like 15 foot. I mean, it was all the way up. It's like a Basquiat thing. It's art. Yeah, he's an artist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not kidding, dude. I opened the door to his hotel room. There was throw-up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's move on. No, no, no. Descript, descript. It looked like a 180 sprinkler head that's like... That's what it was. Woo! The good times. No, I'm glad I put you in there. No, I feel great. He's good now. Yeah, yeah. Was that like the final straw when you decided to stop being fun? Well, I've had a lot of final straws in my life. You know, I had a final straw at 17. When I was 30, I had a final straw. You know, over my lifetime, I've relapsed and gone that deep.

But this time, I feel like it's sticking. We've been to rehab three times together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We? I put him through rehab. You Ubered him to rehab. To be taken care of. Yeah, people take it to rehab. Put him where he needs to belong, and that's because I love him so much. That's so cute. The one in Tucson was the worst. That was the worst. It was a bad rehab? It was one of those places where I had to wake up at 6 in the morning, wait in this line. I'm in hospital gown.

And then it's like that Queen's Gambit where they give you a cocktail of pills. And I would go, what's in this? And they go, drink it or eat it. And then I would just be a zombie all day. And there was no counseling or anything. I was just walking around smoking cigarettes. Just a mental asylum. Yeah, it was a mental asylum. And I was there for two weeks. And then one day I just called my agent. I was like,

I'm going to get out of here. You know what I mean? They're dragging me. You know what I mean? Right. And I got out and I changed facilities. But that was a weird. Do you guys remember that? It was a weird. I can't tell what place. You could check yourself out of rehab at any time.

That one I couldn't because in the middle of the desert and like I didn't know how. Illegally, yes, correct. Yeah, I had no money. They took away my cell phone. They took away everything. He was deliberately put in a place where you were a little more controlled. Huh. But it was too controlled. But yeah, well, yeah, I mean. I'm smoking cigars with a bunch of like 20 young kids in the middle of a soccer field. And they're just like, what are you doing here, man? And I'm just like, I don't know, man, you know.

- It's crazy. They're like, "Aren't you on TV?" It's like crazy. - Andrew, is there anything you think you're close to addicted to?

work. That's not a bad. No, he has what Howie Mandel has. He can't stop. He always has to be doing something. And it's not something it's a real thing. Yeah, probably a sickness. Like I look, I look at him. I go, what? You're going where? What? You know, I mean, like 24 seven. It's always doing something. Yeah. And it's not healthy.

No. Fuck, I probably have that as well. Yeah. Dude, when I had to take two weeks off, it felt like taking six months off. It was awful. Yeah. I was going fucking nuts. I've gotten better at taking time off. We take vacations. My wife and I, we carve out time to do things. But-

But your work is different than my work. I mean, like you're on tour, you're grinding, you're doing fucking 50 shows a month. Mine is this job, that job, this job, that job. It's just I'm just spreading myself too thin. Of course. Something you could consider spreading yourself thin. But that hurts.

I'm going to give you all the Zimpyk. Beauty is pain. Okay, hey. Hey, be my little Korean Elvis. I'm sorry. Come on. Give me. Hey, Memphis. We're going to win. We're going to win. We're going to go. Dude, have you ever played Memphis? Yeah, I was just there maybe a month ago. We fucking hated it. I love Memphis. Are you serious? We didn't like it. It's for you. They hate it. Where did you play? We played at Elvis' estate.

At Graceland? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you did not. Yes, we did. Yes, we did. You can play at Graceland? You can play at the stages at Graceland. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm fucking furious. I think I did the Orpheus. They didn't like us. They didn't like us. It was like... They hated us. Was it a live podcast? You didn't stand up? No, we didn't stand up. It was like we were doing a TED Talk about death. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Hey, guys, this is what death... You know what I mean? Everyone... They were like a fucking zombie. Everyone in the audience had just lost somebody. That's what it felt like. That's what it felt like. Like everybody just... We ate it! We ate it.

We ate it. It was one of the worst shows we've ever done. And you know what? I should take it back. We don't hate Memphis. We hated what happened there. Yeah. Louisville. What happened in Louisville? I like Louisville as well. Oh, the fly and the food at Chili's? Yeah, the fly and the... But the show was weird. Do you guys have any stalkers or anything on tour? Uh...

we had one guy that was fucking in Dallas that I was at the meet and greet and he was like, he goes, hey man, I broke in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? And he goes, I broke in here. Asian guy. Asian guy? Yeah, Asian guy. Yeah, yeah. He goes, I broke, sorry, he goes, I broke in here. No.

No, of course not. Yeah, yeah. No, he goes, I broke in here, man. I was like, what do you mean? He goes, I don't even have a ticket. I don't have VIP or anything. I just broke in. He's like, this is what I do. I have a GoPro or something. He recorded himself breaking into his favorite concerts and venues. And so we were like, cool, man. Security. Yeah. What the fuck? Why would you admit that? Yeah. Does he like post them online? I don't know. I don't know. I think he probably does a YouTube show or something about it. I mean, you got to find it. Well, dude, I said to him, I go, hey, man.

As long as you're chill and you're not trying to hurt anybody, fine. But don't tell anybody that. Yeah. You're going to get arrested. I'm not going to arrest you, but they're going to arrest you. So I was like, don't say anything. Just get out of here. That's fucking terrifying. It was weird as fuck. That was the only time. But him and I, though, what my concern was, because we had really never toured together before. Literally never. Literally had never done it. So in my mind, I'm like, what is going to affect our relationship?

or a friendship, but I don't think it, I think it's strengthened it. You guys share a room? No, but we're, I think you're doing it wrong.

Yeah, I know. You're supposed to share a double tree to a full bed. Of course. You've done that with people. That's what I was doing in the beginning of touring. Not like the Live Nation tour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when I was first starting a headline on my own, like the beginning of last year. Yeah. Yeah, because I couldn't afford to get everybody their own room yet. Right. Right. But we can. You know? Fine. Yeah, so we don't do that. You know what I mean? No, we slept on the bus. We lived on the bus. Oh, you said a bus. We didn't get a hotel. We were on the bus. Right now? But Matt,

It's a grey hound? Oh, it's more like a brown hound. Okay. Yeah. Not so grey. It was a brown hound. It was from Mexico. But the power dynamics... Hey, where are we going, bro? Sorry. I give him more of the power.

What did you do? I give you more of the power to give it to me. I am it. Yeah, I don't think was there one big room in the back or was it all bunks? One big room. He gets the back room. You got the back room. I get the bunk. Yeah. And how did you how did you decide this? He did. He just called me and said, you can have it. Yeah, because I know. See, these are the things that break up the Beatles.

These are the things that break up like bands and stuff. - Okay, Yoko. - Dude, you know what's worse than that? The smirk you had before. - Thanks, thanks. - I saw Yoko entered your brain and then when you said it, very good, John.

It doesn't hurt as much. John, let it right here. It doesn't hurt as much. What's that? John, right on his arm. Wow. What's that doing for you? It gives me, my pussy's wet. My pussy's wet. My point is, no, let's cut that out. But my point is, he, I have to give him, I'll go, you know, you can do it. You take it. He likes sleeping in the coffins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does. I told my friends the same thing. I said, it's too much space back there. You guys wouldn't. Yeah, they don't like it. He likes sleeping in the coffins. I like that he likes that.

He likes it up there. I like that he likes that. Yeah. Well, no, he really does. I will say this. No lie. This is not me saying this to say it. I've slept in the coffins before, and the coffins are nice because it's just this. It's a light little rock. In the back, you're like rolling around. It's not as stable. You've got to sprawl out. Look what happened to me. Well, that's on Bert's bus. He fell out of the coffin. No, he fell out of the bus.

Out of the bunk? Yeah, the bunk. And I hit my head on a ledge and I had to go to the hospital. Holy shit. I got nine stitches. Oh, little baby. And I got off the... Really? No, I'm saying I felt bad for you. Remember when you did the shit and you got all a bit dizzy? What about that time? You got dizzy from a shit? Yeah, this guy gets... That's the most 40-year-old shit I've ever heard. Pussy. I took a shit and I hit my head. Don't call me a pussy because I'll fight you and I'll beat the shit out of you. You know that.

Dude, today, because he's here, it's a dynamic. What is it? I don't know what it is. Like a white guy thing? No, you and I have this thing that we used to have in the pond is back. Yeah. And I think he's doing it. Yeah, well, stick around. It's not that you're specifically doing. There's something about it. Do you think you can move here and live here for us and do this with us every week? Yeah, if you guys want to split the profits, like 50-25-25 or something. Well, I hate to tell you, but...

We're not making that many llamas. Yeah. Sad. Well. If we look over, none of these mics are even plugged in. Do you have one? Do you have a pod? No, I just don't have the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll have one one day.

Don't wish that on me. To prey upon my downfall is very funny. Matt. Yeah. Yo. We love you to death. That was great. Love you, man. We're so happy for you. Genuinely, it's well-deserved, and you've taken everything in stride. The love, the hate, all the above, and all that stuff comes along with being as popular as you are, and good for you, and we're stoked for you, man. Thank you, man. I think you're fucking...

You've always been a great dude since I met you that first time I met you. You were 19 years old or whatever it was when I first met you. It was wild. And back then you were like, one day I'm going to be a big old shark man. That's what you sounded like back then. And man, I'm happy for you, dude. Dude, thank you so much. So happy for you, bud. Thank you, dude. And thank you so much for doing our podcast, really. Thanks for letting me do it. Are you fucking serious?

I wanted to do Whiskey Ginger for like five years and I never got a text back. I'm kidding. I never hit him back. Really? Have you done it before? No, he's never done it. Is it still on? Very good. Barely. Little dig. I like it. It's barely on. Have you done Tiger Belly? What? You've never heard of Tiger Belly? The stretch marks? I don't know. It's my podcast.

Yeah, anyway. Anyway, Matt, thank you so much. Thank you for being a bad friend! Thank you for being a bad friend, Matt. Love ya. Thank you for being a bad friend. Oh my god. This is racist. Wow. Wow. Keep going. I love it. I love Asian L.A. so much. Welcome to Memphis.

Yeah, I did. Asian. Yeah, so I did. And so look at me. Hunk of burning rock.