Bill Burr Takes Us On a Ride
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- I'm telling you two or something. - We're bad friends. - Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Bobby's in a new hit movie out real soon. - Did you read any reviews? - Have you? - I read a couple. - It was a review, it was like. - Bring up one of the reviews for Borderlands, I wanna see it. The video game adaptation falls short of low expectations, so they set the bar low, they still went below it. - Yep.

There was a pleasant highlight though, as I must say, almost saved the film for me, if not his brief appearance. Bobby Lee, his presence gave me an ease of laughter that I needed when he appeared on the screen. If Borderlands did anything right, he was casting Bobby Lee. I hope to see him in more in the future. Who wrote that? With that, I'm signing off. Who wrote that? As the only redeeming quality of the film, thank you, Mr. Lee. And that was written, go up to the top. Yeah. That was written by who? Peter DeBruge. Oh, thank you, Peter.

Go up a little bit. Variety. Wow, dog. Pretty big. So I met up with Bobby last night after the premiere and Bobby was with a date and we had some friends show up. Matt Reif. Matthew Reif and Jackson McQueen. Great guy. Funniest thing Bobby did at the night when I said I had to go because I had to get up early this morning. Bobby ordered an Uber, didn't tell anybody.

And then I was like, goodbye, I love you guys. And I walked out and then Bobby goes, my Uber's here. And he left Matt Rife sitting at the table by himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, what are you doing? What do you mean? Why didn't you just- He's an adult. I have to sit there and chaperone him? Well, you have to walk out with him. Can you send me that? Yeah, he's going to post that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send me that right there. Send him that. This is a different one.

With every storm cloud, there's a silver lining, and that was Bobby Lee. Seeing him made me smile instantly, and his brief appearance in the film made me all but miss him. Who wrote this? This can't be real. I'm so... I'm barely in the movie. There's no way this is real. Dude, you're trying to trick me, dude. Who wrote this? Can I finish? Come here, Carlos. Come over here for a second. Seeing him made me smile... Carlos, come over here. His brief appearance in the film made me all but miss him every night. That's very funny. Really good trick, dude.

- Really good, very good. All right, let me say something, okay? The first one you can get me, right? - Yeah. - You got a little greedy, didn't you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So look at me right now, okay? - Borderlands had gold in Lee and I can't wait to see. - So the first one I'm like, that's odd, right? - Oh, good. - But the second one, right? Now it's fake. And as a friend, right? Did you write these?

No, dude. I don't know why you can't love yourself. Okay, why can't you love yourself? All right, Carlos. So you don't know who wrote these? Well, go up to the top. We can read this one was written by Katie Walsh. Dude.

On our friendship, is this a trick? Look, she's real, dude. I understand. I know who Katie Walsh is, right? The former White House deputy chief of staff. Yeah, yeah. So the former White House chief of staff wrote that article? For Donald Trump. Okay. All right. So who wrote it? Katie Walsh did. No, no, no. All right. So Carlos. Can I say the funniest part about this? Yeah. Go back to it. It says Katie Walsh wrote it this morning at 1135 in the morning. I know. It's not funny.

If that's the review, I'm happy. So that's good. But if I find out, dude, I swear to fucking God, I'm going to rage out. Okay. All right. So I'm going to give you one last time. Did you write it? One last thing. Bro, I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know, dude? - Wait, what was the question? - Yeah. - What was the question? - Is that review real? - Of course it's real. - And with my name, so that guy wrote it with my name in there so that I did a good job. - Yeah, you're the silver lining. - Thank you, Bobby Lee. - Yeah, you're the silver lining. - Okay, so that's all I need to know. Let's move on. - Congratulations. - Okay, thank you. - Yeah, I'm just, I'm happy. - But I'm gonna tell you, if that's not real, I find out it's not real, even you, McCone, right? Everyone in the room,

I swear to God, on my mother's life, if that's not real,

I will not do your movie at all. I don't care when you get the money. I swear to God on my mother's life. I have nothing to do with it. All right, so you have nothing to do with the review. You have nothing to do with it. No, I just pulled it up. All right, you pulled it up. I couldn't pull it up on my phone, all right? Why? Because it's not real. Now, let me ask you something as a friend, dude. Yeah. Is that real? It looked real to me. No, but you don't think there's any tomfoolery going on? Unless these gentlemen fooled us. This is fun. I got to get to the bottom of this.

Maybe you two. I have nothing to do with this. I know. Let's just move on. Let's start the podcast. We just did. Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, I didn't think I was good. Your date said you were really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She said to me, she goes, Let's just move on for a minute. Let's talk about Sneaky Ninky. You want to talk about Sneaky Ninky? No, mine's already gone. I liked it. Yeah, you did, right? Yeah. You can be dismissed. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Well, I'm excited to go shoot a movie in Budapest tomorrow. - That's gonna be great. - Tomorrow. - I know, congratulations, dude. - I'm a little nervous, I'm not gonna lie. - You're gonna be great. - This is the first time I've been nervous in like a long time. - Yeah? - Like I'm actually nervous. Like I'm genuinely, I haven't been nervous in film. Like nobody makes me nervous, but it's like,

Well, the problem is- I want it to be good. I know you're in one scene, right? Or a couple of scenes? No, no, one scene. Right. So, and it's also, there's a lot of stars in it. And so they've already been working together. You probably have to walk into a situation. Yeah. You're a new guy. You're right. And so you have to kind of kill it the first- First take. Take it. Out the jump. Yeah, yeah. So I've got to make- Even rehearsals, you got to kind of know it. Oh, dude, I know every line, line by line. Is it a lot? I know their lines. Is it a lot? No, it's five pages.

Wow. But no, no, no. My lines aren't five pages. The scene is a five page scene. How many lines do you have? One and a half. Pages. One and a half lines. Is it really one and a half lines? I only have four lines. Wow. And they're flying all the way over there for that. For four lines. Yeah. Yeah. So you're going to walk in. You're going to feel the nerves. What's the line? You know, make it up. I know all of them.

You know all words? I know their lines. You memorize the whole thing? I know the whole scene. You know when people do that, it's like- I did that because I really wanted to feel the scene. I wanted to know what- That's what you have to do is memorize other people's lines to feel the scene? Well, let's not talk about memorizing lines. Let's not go toe-to-toe on that, okay? Let's not.

I memorized the wrong pages. Today, I'm so defensive. Let me tell you. I'm still deceived by the borderline. Don't be defensive to me. I can't. I know, but I can't even let that go until I know the truth and then we can move on. Okay.

It's awesome. I'm so happy. Dude, I swear to God. Dude, it's Peter. I promise it's real. Let's look at some YouTube footage right now of dogs grabbing GoPros. Make Bobby happy. And by the way, I am nervous to do it, and I'll tell you why. Humble pie moment. Yeah, go ahead. I want to look at his photos.

I don't want to fuck up. Oh, in the movie? I just don't want to... Look at this. A dog with a GoPro. Boy, oh boy. This is going to make me feel good. Go, boy. Yes. Oh, you... Look at him jump. Whoa.

He can hold it onto his tail? It's on his back. Oh, so I thought he was like hooking it with his tail. I go, that guy's so talented. Look at him go all the way. Dexterity on his tail. Does he go to the beach? Yeah. Dude, this dog. He's so funny. He just went into the ocean. He does. Look. Yeah. He's going to jump right in.

Yay! But he just keeps going. And then you see like a little fin. Yeah, so let's look at the photos in McCone's phone. This is great. Is there any nudes? He hasn't locked it. And photos. Okay, here we go. We've got a photo of me in there. There's going to be some deep. All right, so let me just show the photos, okay? Yeah.

"Why would you have this?" Honestly. - It's an eagle in a suit jacket? - Yeah, yeah, why would you have that on your phone? - Very funny. - It's very funny. It's pretty fire, but I don't, okay, here's another thing, all right? So he just screenshot, you know what I mean, an Elliot Smith song. - Yeah, that sounds right. - He couldn't memorize "Say Yes." - 'Cause I was listening to-- - Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up! I have your fucking, shut up, all right?

Couldn't remember I say yes to. Yeah, I didn't know. Would you like to see more? Please. Okay. Is there any DPs in there? Okay, here's another. Okay, this is a fucking hilarious one. He loves Mika Matsubara. Loves Mika Matsubara. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but can you just not on your Spotify just put it onto a playlist or

Or you make it a favorite song or something. Did you have to screenshot it? My brother was listening to it. Oh, you're right. So like, let me. Can I give you some advice? Yeah. In the podcast. When he's talking, you yelling doesn't do anything. We can't hear it. It doesn't help. So shut the fuck up. Okay. Here's a funny meme. I don't know if you created this, but my fish is not eating anything. Please help. And it's supposed to be a joke. So there's a dead fish in a box. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. This is funny stuff, dude. Really good stuff. Good meme, dude.

Really good meme. - Is there no pictures of chicks in there or anything? - No, but here's a, this is so fucking white and liberal and like, I'm cool. You wanna see this? - Yeah. - Bro. - Oh my God. - Oh my God, it's so gross. Look at this. Yeah, you're one with the people, Macomb. - I enjoy black people. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I could also do is Google, like search Andrew Santino, see if he's talked shit about you. - That's true.

Let's just say my name. Yeah, this is fun. No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Oh, my God. What are you doing? Get over there. Get over there. Stop.

*laughter*

- What are you doing dude? What the fuck are you doing dude? - Obviously he's been talking some shit. - Just back up, I'm not gonna do it dude. Right, obviously he said some shit. - He said some shit. - Just fucking, do you believe it dude? - You've said some shit. - I already know you did. - Wow. - You fucking asshole. - I guess he said some shit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, so back up dude. - That's crazy dude. - This is pretty wild. - Back up dude, back up dude. - It's okay, if you can say it to other people, why can't I read it?

Is it about me? No, there's none about you, it's about me. Is it about me? I know the list. Are you nervous about me? Did you say something you shouldn't have said about me? Did you? You have to sit down and admit it. Yeah, go sit down, go sit down. Go sit down. Give him his phone. No, I'm not gonna give him his phone. I'm gonna give him his phone, I gotta read it. No, no, no. Who did you talk shit about? Is it me or Bobby?

- Let's see, I'll do this. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't believe you because you're gonna e-delete it or whatever. - What did you say? Did you talk shit about us? - No. - Look at me in the face right now. You talking shit about me? - No. - About him? - Yeah. - That's interesting. - It's so interesting. - What does that mean to you? - Well, I mean, it means a lot to me. It means that we're not that close. - And do you think it means no Australia?

oh it means enough to a lot of things okay do you mean do you think it's removal of job well i know that i was being lied to about the the review too you were just so i'm accessing all that as well i'll confess it was my cone yeah i know i know it was oh i can access what the writing no i wrote it oh you wrote the article the variety thing yeah i'm taking okay then why the did you lie to me over there i'm taking credit for the creative i didn't want the cones to get credit for that i know but why did you why were there why did you lie to me over there

I was rolling with the bit. Oh, okay, the bit. It was good. Yeah, very good. So let's cut to a commercial break. How does this work? Back after these messages. So I've got a bet. I have a bet. I have a bet with somebody that I can't raw dog it all the way to Budapest. And I might take him up on the bet.

But I have proof because I'm going to be flying with my wife. So she's going to put us a purse with you. Yeah. So think about this. Oh, that's fine. Think about this. Yeah. It's a good amount of money. This bet that I can't raw dog it. You know what raw dogging on the airplane is? No phone, no movie. You just have to sit there and stare straight forward on a plane. I can't raw dog it. Dude, I've not. You're not going to raw dog a European trip. I don't know. It could be sick to win this bet. And I'll have. How much money is it? I don't even want to say. Thousands. It's a lot of money.

I can do it. Yeah, I know you can. You don't own an iPad. Yeah, you don't have an iPad. We have to buy you an iPad. You don't think I can get all the way to Europe with raw dogging? No headphones either. No music. I can tell you how you do it. Hmm.

You don't sleep at all until tomorrow. But listen, you can't take drugs or alcohol. That's the bet. It has to be clean and sober. Can you sleep? No, that's the whole point. Oh my God. Well, then the bet wouldn't be worth it if you could just sleep. That doesn't do anything. That's true. The reason the bet is worth money is because I have to stay awake and raw dog the whole flight.

Wow. Should I try? Can you talk to people? No, you have to sit alone and stare straight forward. Well, your wife's going to be there. Yep. That's the whole, that's the reason for the bet. That's a 12, 13 hour flight. By the way, she'll be sleeping the whole time. So this is called raw dogging flight. This is raw dogging on the flight. When you fly all the way. This guy's doing it. No food, no water, no AC, no in-flight entertainment. It's so cool. It's so cool. It's a cool. I kind of want to do. Wow. Wow. Wow. I'll put money on it. That I can't? Yeah. There's no way.

Now I fucking want to now be that you're in on it. Now I really want to prove that I can. How much is he giving you? I'll give you a thousand. I'll set up my phone and I'll do a time lapse. So I'll set up my phone. So you see, I'm not on technology. Now time lapse film myself on those little. For 12 hours. It's 15 to London. 15 hours. And then two more to Budapest. Oh my God. I could do it. Wow. I might do it. And you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to do it. What do you want to bet? A thousand dollars. I'll bet you a thousand dollars. I'll do it. Okay. Done. I want cash.

Okay. No music, no movies. Yeah. Straight staring forward. Yeah. See, this is the new thing. Why are men raw dogging on flights? Because- Can you go to the bathroom? Yeah, Fancy. I have to go to the fucking bathroom. No, you have to shit your pants. I'm going to shit my pants on the flight. And ruin everyone's flight. What are you talking about, dude? How do we know you don't go on your phone when you're in your bathroom? It's going to be time-lapse. I will let it sit at the seat, you goon. What are you talking about? You goofy goon. I set it up once, and then you leave it alone. So it's recording the seat the whole time.

And you time lapse it. Then we'll see it all in fast motion. You'll see what I did. By the way, how about this? You, when you're going to Spain, you want to do a raw dog bet that you can't go to Spain and raw dog it? You want to make a bet? Yeah, see? You talk that talk. Walk that walk then. Let's go. But let me say something. Yeah. I don't want that for you. I want to win the money. Yeah, but you know, it's ridiculous. Why would you torture yourself...

It's not going to be money that's going to change anything. It's fun. It's a fun bet. You don't just do things for fun. It's not fun for you, though. Yeah, to win the money is fun. It is? Yeah, what do you mean? If it's six figures, then maybe. But anything below that, it's like, what the fuck's the point? How out of touch are you? Six figures? You think someone's betting me $100,000 to fly on a fucking... I mean, let's see. How much would I need to get for me to raw dog a flight to Europe?

50 grand. 50 fucking grand? Yeah, because I like comfort. Bob. Yeah. 50 grand? You wouldn't do it for any less than that? No. Wow, well then I'm an idiot because I'm trying to... Now, if I lost everything...

If I lost everything, then yes. Okay, then what? $1,500. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I lost everything. But it's like... I think it's a worthy challenge. Please don't do it. I want to take my bet back. No, you can't. You're done. It's on camera. You already did it. You owe me a grand. All right. Can't wait to do it. Okay, let's do it. Okay.

Can you masturbate? Yeah, of course. That's what raw dung is, really. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I'm not kidding. One time on a flight back from when I was in Reykjavik when I went to Iceland, it's a night flight. And when I came back, I'm not kidding. I'm almost positive I saw a guy wanking because I walked up to the bathroom and you know there's lay beds, the lay flats. He was laying down but facing the window. So his back was up to us, but it was this. I saw his shoulder moving. Yeah. And I was like,

What does he fucking got Tourette's while he sleeps? No, but you know how dogs do that when they sleep? My dog jerks off when she sleeps. Oh, she does? Yeah, she's always flicking. But you know how they're always like, what are they dreaming about? You know what I mean? Take a wild guess. Well, in your house, it must be nightmare. What? They dream about you walking to the kitchen.

Faces, smells, interaction with their owners. It's so basic. I think my dog dreams about running because she does this a lot. Oh, I see. Yeah, I think she dreams a lot about running. She probably dreams about running in a big field. Yeah. This big, wide-open field. It's like us. What do you dream about? What if their dreams are complex? She's with Cleopatra. Whoa. You're right. He's barking orders how to make pyramids. King Dog. Woof, woof, woof.

Right, right. You know what I mean? He built the pyramids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he said, right? And then when the aliens come down, right, to negotiate with the Egyptians. They have to communicate through the dog. You know what I mean? And it's so complex, we don't even know, but just in... Maybe that's what's going on. Take me to your dog. What? That's your dream. That's your dream. Yes, I'm... You have dreamt that. Yeah. I have dreamt...

I have. When I was with Cleopatra's, they had these grand negotiations with the aliens. You've done this? Yes. All right. And I'm like, I'm super like olive skin. Ooh. Yeah, yeah. So I am Egyptian, you know what I mean? And I have like all this headwear, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. And my nails are nice. I have three cats, Siamese cats. And I'm telling the aliens like, I mean, about like, you know. Are you the, you're the person that communicates? You're the liaison? Well, I'm like Cleopatra's like, you know. Bitch. Bitch.

- Press secretary. - Oh. - Yeah, yeah. Like Kelly, what? McEnany, what's her name? - Kellyanne Conway. - Not Kellyanne Conway. - Yeah, you're more like a Kellyanne Conway. - No, McEnany, the other one. - How many languages can you speak in this dream? - Oh, every language. - You could speak every language. - Yeah, yeah. - What was that? - What? - What was that? - Italian. - Nice. - Oh yeah. - Fettuccine. - Oh right, I need the fettuccine. - Yeah, you know fettuccine.

Right. So, yeah, you're right. You got it. So, dogs, let's move on. Dogs dream just like us. I just, what goes on in there? Dogs, they're just like us. You think they are? I think they dream just like we do. Yeah? Because they experience it like us. They just see it from down below. But- Your dogs have watched you hook up? In the past, one time, I was getting sexually- Pleasured? Pleasured by the, you know what I mean, mouth. Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, by the mouth. - Mouth pleasures, you know what I mean? And I was in the living room, right, getting mouth pleasured, and Gunnar started rubbing my leg with his body. - Your cat? - And started purring. - Oh my God. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? And I go, we gotta go to the room. - Pretty supportive of him. - And she's like, what? And she was like, . - Hey, come on. She was like, wooly.

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Come on, what are you waiting for? That's ZocDoc.com/badfriends. Z-O-C-D-O-C.com/badfriends. ZocDoc.com/badfriends. My dog has watched us hook up multiple times. She just, she sits there and stares. Yeah, but what is she thinking about? I don't, yeah, what is she thinking? That's what I'm saying. Yeah, Cleopatra. That's a good technique in his mind maybe. He's like, "Slow her." Yeah.

Anyway. It is weird when they watch you. There's something about animals watching because they just, they keep clocking it. They don't know if you're in pain, they're in pain or not. Yeah. Or like Eyes Wide Shut style where people are wearing their masks at a ballroom and everyone's hooking. And you know what I mean? And you're just like,

And some guy just, you know what I mean? And I was just like, hey man. Just cucking. Go over there. You know what I mean? Like I wouldn't be able to do it. Yeah, you would. Yeah, you would. Okay. It'd be fun. If someone's watching you with a mask on, that would be fun. Without mask? No. Some dude. Like me. Good job. Yeah, yeah. Like would you be able to do it with me in the room? Yeah. Probably get me harder.

Shut up. I'd be showing off. Don't say shit like that. I'd be showing off. No, no, no. Oh, yeah. I go, Bob, check this out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, high five. Yeah, do a different move. Yeah, pretty cool. I'd be trying to show off a little bit. You could hook up with someone with me in the room.

Just standing there? - Mm-mm. - Really? - There's no way. - Why? - You make me laugh so much. - So it just, it wouldn't work, yeah. - Every time you walk in the room makes me laugh. - All right, fuck. - Right, so there's no way. - Well. - Anyway, we were talking about the dogs dreaming and then we went to the GoPro. We went from GoPro to all that. That's crazy. - That's how our brains work. - Right, that's how it works. But do you think the dog has any concept of water, like the ocean? - Yeah, they love water.

No, the concept of how deep and the creatures in there. We should talk to them about it. Right. Do you have any concept of how deep the ocean is? I just know it's endless. They just found another big creature somewhere. Look up creature and ocean found. They just found yet another unidentifiable creature. It was in the news. I mean, this is the kind of stuff that I'm like, the end is near. Why? Look at that thing. Yeah. That's literally a picture of my penis. No.

Look at how pale that thing is. That is genuinely a picture. It's pale and sad. Yeah. That is a picture of my penis. That's insane. I mean, we're finding these things still now in this day and age. This doesn't creep you out. Go down. What did that say right there? Thousands of new species are found each year. That's incredible. Every year we find thousands of these things in the ocean. Yeah. Why are we not digging down more? Because we've never been to the bottom. It's impossible. We got to go. What would we find? What happened last time?

What happened last time we went down there? Oh, the last time we went down there? Bad stuff. Titanic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that? It's a new spider they found in Turkey. A new spider? We're good. We're all full. Tell the spider maker we're full. Yeah, yeah, get out of here. Wow, there's a new spider they discovered. Wait, let me ask you something. How the fuck has he been discovered now? Where has he been? Where have you been, dude? You know what I mean? Where is he? You know what I mean? Just literally like...

Where is he? By the way, this is how I feel. Epstein Island. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't talk to him. He knows too much. He's an Epstein spider. He knows everything. Hillary will have him killed soon. Like this guy. Where have you been, son? Where have you been, dog? You know what's interesting? This is kind of how we feel in the business. They discover us and we've been around. Right. We're like that spider.

We've been around. Right. And they're like, how come we haven't seen you? It's like, we've been here. Yeah. Thousands of species are found every single year. It's mind boggling. Who's here? Francisco Ramos in the blue chair. What's up? We do need intro music. Is that me? Is that for me? What?

Well, it's not for Bobby. Why are you looking at me like this, Bobby? Welcome. That's my welcoming face. This is how you're, okay. Welcome to the program. Am I in trouble? Is this like a scare straight kind of thing? No, he's a serious analyst. Sometimes he gets real serious. Wow. This show's like Dateline. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, okay. What are we going to talk about? I'm Frankie Copperfield. Go on, Frank. Ted Koppel. Say hello to our guest. Hello. Welcome. Thank you. How are you guys doing? Bad friend line.

- Noah, hi, how are you Francisco? How long have I known you? For a very long time. - 12 years or something like that? When I started working at the comedy store? - That was 12 years ago? - I think so, or 14 years ago. - You and I have always had a little bit of combative relationship. - Why is that? - Yeah, I don't know. - Yeah, you do. - No idea. - I don't know why. Why do you do? Why you do what you do? - Why do you guys have a combative relationship? - That's my thing. - There was a while there it boiled down to Chelsea FC.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And he would always rip on Arsenal because we never did well. Yeah. And it's very interesting to me because in the last couple of years, you haven't said shit about Chelsea. Interesting. Well, because they've been sucking. I know. That's why. So where's your all talk now, friend? Where's your big talk now? Okay, but is that because I thought it was like that's a riff in between, you know, when you play sports, but it's nothing personal. Yeah, you make it personal. Yeah, yeah.

You used to come up behind me, put me in a headlock. What? Yeah, Arsenal sucks, baby. Damn, did you do that? No, I didn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never put you in a headlock. Ian Edwards, what is he like?

- He likes Man U, Manchester United. - Very cordial. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? In fact- - Well, but that's how he is. - Stop! Thanks for coming. Welcome to the program. - Thank you. - Welcome to the program. God bless you. - All right, thank you. - All right. But what I'm saying is that he's very cordial. And when Arsenal doing well, he gives props. You don't give props.

Okay. So from now on, maybe. Okay. Get some props. Get some props. Yeah. You're a Chelsea fan? I am a Chelsea fan. Yeah. Yes. But, okay. In England. Yeah, I was just going to say, that's your... But in the Spanish language, I'm a Barcelona. You're Barcelona? Yeah. What are you? Are you Barcelona? You are? Yeah. Nice. Even though we suck right now. Yeah. Yeah.

- Here's another thing you did. A couple of times if I booked a job, you would say something condescending. - Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember. - Wow. - Yeah, man. Like one time I said, I think it was like either splitting up together or something and you go, "You're on that?" I go, "Yeah, you got." "Well, it should get canceled soon." Or something like that. And I was like, "Hmm, that Francisco Ramos wants a war." - Does that sound like Francisco? - No. - Well, I don't know how to do the accent. - Do ahead, try. - Yeah, do it. - Yeah, do it.

Just do a sentence and let me see if I can read it. Say, that's gonna get canceled soon. That's gonna get canceled soon. That's gonna get canceled soon. Pretty good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's really good. That's really good. Wow. See, I'm like a mimic. But you keep lowering your, you're really good. I know. What part of Spain are you from? I'm not from Spain.

You're not Spanish? He's Portuguese. No. You're Argentinian. No. Let's guess. Is this a guess? You're from Portugal. No. You're from... Let's start basic. Okay. There is Spanish in you. No, he's Mexican. Well, there is like a Latin. Yes, there is. There is Latin in you. He's South American. South American, yes. All right, let's get set. Do you know what it is? Argentinian. Colombia. No. Peru. No. Well, Brazil. No. Okay. Wow, that's narrowing down. Uruguay. Chile. Chile. No. Uruguay. No.

Fuck, which one are there? Panamania. That's Central America, but nope. See, that's the tone I was talking about. No, no, I said... Did you see that? That's the tone I'm talking about. I didn't say Panama. I saw it. I didn't say Panama. I said Panamania. Okay, that's good. Panamania is a city outside of Brazil. That's true. You should know that. Wait, wait, wait. Bring up a fucking map. Venezuela. I do know that. You are Venezuelan. And I know that. That's what's so annoying. Yeah, you're Venezuelan. Venezuela. Venezuela. Venezuela.

Did they have a soccer team in Venezuela? I mean, like a national team. Yeah, but they suck. They all suck. Were you raised there? I was there until I was 12. I moved there to D.C., to Maryland when I was 12. Yeah, this accent comes from Maryland. Yes. It's a Baltimore accent. Have you seen The Wire? That's how they talk.

- When you were 12, you moved and they say that you keep your accent if it's right around puberty. Right around puberty you get to keep it. - Yes, that's when I started getting hairs. - When you were 12. - When I was 12. - When you start to develop, that's how you keep your accent. That's why, 'cause when you guys came here from Korea, you were so young. - Yeah, you were, how long were you? - When did you move here from Korea? - Born here.

Oh, you're American. American. Like fully American. Threw him through, dude. Because I'm American too, but I'm national. I get it. Listen to your accent. God damn it, man. Do you have two passports? Okay. I have two passports. That's great. Yeah. You do. Is Venezuela dangerous? Right now it is. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of, it's about to, like it's in that right now it's like, what happened was there was an election like a week ago and-

Obviously, the opposition was running one, but the guy- Oh, Maduro. Yeah, but this guy doesn't want to give it away. We do that here. Yeah, so I think it's like, I don't know if you guys get this, but it's a guy that doesn't want to give it away, and the other side is like, cheat it. Is he kind of like a Trump guy to you guys? Yeah, pretty much. Wow. So they all follow suit. Yeah. Trump knows exactly what it did. Isn't that so funny? They all do the same thing. He's like, no, I didn't lose. Exactly. Then Maduro is like, no, I didn't lose. Yeah.

They all just follow suit. That's so genius. It's genius. Yeah, but the problem is that this guy's got the army on him. This is why, actually, I do agree as an American to have the Second Amendment. You should be able to have guns. Here we go.

Especially assault rifle. And look at the stupid Spaniard. Wow. You know, why'd you shake your head no, Spaniard? Is that because you guys have been pushed out of all this international reign that you had for so long? Indeed. Right. Yeah. That's your fault. You guys did so much international damage and then people stopped you and now you're like, okay, nobody gets guns. Now you want nobody to have guns. Peace.

Right, peace. Now after you fucked everything up for years. Yeah, colonize us. Yeah, interesting move. Yeah. After you did all the damage, then you're like, guys, can we not anymore? No. We want guns to protect ourselves from people like you. So you stole all our gold and women? Yes. Whoa. No, he did. The gold? No.

Valid concern. Yeah. Where is all of their gold, Fancy? Yeah. Where is all the Venezuelan gold? I think we've lost a lot of it. You've given it away? Yeah. These guys, they parted away all the gold they stole. With a lot of paella eating. You're still married? You're still married?

It's going to be a year that I get married. Congratulations. Thank you. A beautiful wife, by the way. To an American, North Carolina. That's right. Yeah. She's very sweet and smart. You've always been a sexy man. Yeah. I came out wrong. No, you said it. No, no. You've always been an attractive man. You have a good look. Thank you. You have Ricky Ricardo.

Yeah, I do get that all the time. Can I be your Lucy? Yes. Is that Ricky Ricardo? No, that's what he said. I said, can I be your Lucy? Lucy, I'm home. Do you know Lucy? Yeah, I love Lucy. I'm a redhead. Yeah. Catch up. Okay. All right, so I'm a little behind. Come on. Yeah, what are you doing? That would be a great... Me playing Lucy? Yeah. A new Lucy. Lucy's trans? Yeah. Right. Yeah, that'd be great. Lucy, where's your dick? Wow. Wow.

That's the opening scene. Wow, I'm going to write this down. Instead of the chocolate factory, it's just dildos. It's just all dildos getting replaced. Who's the neighbor in Lucy? Fred. Fred and Ethel. You're Ethel. Why do I have to be Ethel? It's the modern. We're trans, so you're Ethel. I don't know what Ethel sounds like. Let me see if I can do it.

There it is. That's great. I want to do more right. It's like British. Now watch this. Do your British accent. Hello there. Oh, wow. But that's a little Liverpool. Oh, right. He knows. Oh, you know specifics? Come on, guy. Top of the money. Oh, my God. Wait, stop, stop, stop. What the fuck was that? Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Wait, we thought, let me say it. We thought my English accent was bad. He just topped it. Wow. That was... By the way, he did an English accent with an Irish phrase. That was so sad. Top up the morning.

Wow, wow. Let me hear it one more time. Close our eyes. Close our eyes. You and I, right? Yeah. We're in Liverpool. Oh, I see it now. There's a bakery. Liverpool. Yeah. Liverpool. Oh, no. Here comes beans on toast. Hello, mate. You all right? Hello, chaps. We're both blind. Let's say we're both blind. Are we in Cleveland?

Who's that? Who goes there? Who goes there? Who's that? Hey, you want some bean and toast? Oh my God. Oh my God. That is so bad. That was so bad. Honestly. So is my wife right? Since you have a Venezuelan accent, let's go through all. Can you do? What? I thought you were going to say something else. Yeah, yeah. Can you do other accents? Can you do Italian? Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. How are you? Okay. All right. That's pretty good. That's actually pretty good. That's pretty good. How about German? Yeah.

No, I don't know. Okay, all right, good try. That's okay. I got to hear, I got to hear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me hear you do French.

Oh, he speaks a little bit. You speak it? Not really. Not really, a little bit. It was a little bit. He said, hi, I'm M. Oh, really? I just say the phrases that I know. So you have a special coming out? Is that what it is? Yeah, it's out right now on YouTube right now. It's called Venezuelan American. Put it up. YouTube. And where'd you shoot it? It's actually at Brad Garrett's Comedy Club.

In Vegas? In Vegas, yeah. You shot in Vegas? Yes. Interesting choice. Why Vegas? Well, the thing is like Brad wanted to do like little specials to then put it on his kind of website, kind of club thing, but it didn't work out. But then he was very kind and gave us a special. So he's like, hey, you can do whatever.

I love Brad Garrett. Yeah, he's great. He's one of the nicest, coolest dudes I've met. So nice, so great. Does he live there? No, he lives in LA, but he goes back and forth. I've never met him. Oh, he's amazing. Seriously? Never met Brad Garrett. Wow. Great, great, great. That looks good. Yeah, it shot really well. It shot well, yeah. Who did it? Who shot it?

Michael Malone is a director and then it was shot by them. I mean, they... But was it 800 Pound that puts this out? I know. After it was done, then I contacted 800 Pound to be like, hey, can you put it on? Is there an audience shot or just like this? I thought you were about to say... No, there's some audience shots. I thought you just said, is there an audience, period. Yeah, yeah. I thought you... Is there an audience listening to this thing? There was nobody. It's just me. Yeah, he was just sitting in front. I can't hear. That's why it's like... Did Brad do some time...

to open the show. Yeah, he did. So if you don't know, I don't know if you know this, but when Brad does his club, you split time with him. You co-headline. Like if you headline, you do like 10 minutes because he goes up first and does like 30 minutes of crowd work. And then you go on. Then the feature comes and does like

five minutes and then he goes up and does another 30 minutes and then you go up and you do like the rest which is like 10 or 15 minutes. So you have to split the stage with him when you do his club in Vegas. And he does all cry work every weekend. Every weekend. 80s, like don't break every night. It is, right? Isn't it every weekend? So if I headline there, he's going to go...

I'm going to do all this. No, I mean, he's like sometimes it's when he's available. But he's there a lot of weekends. Yeah. What's a cool thing if you open up your club? It's his club. Yeah. And that's why he brings, I mean, the crowd too. It's not like people are coming to see him. So,

Oh, so does he promote that he's going to be there too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so he's going to pack the room up. Yeah, so he packs it up. So what he's doing, he's doing his service to comics. That's great. Yeah. What a great service. If younger comics that go do the room, he's like, I'm going to help pack the audience so they get a better viewpoint of someone they may not know. Yeah. Which is a fucking huge, that's a big gift. Were you nervous there or no?

No, I wasn't. As a performing, you look great. Before is what I'm saying. No, I mean, I already done that club. It was kind of like, you know, it was the whole week. So this was like, I think, a Friday or Saturday. So I was already getting... How many did you film? I think it was two nights, like Friday and Saturday. Four shows, two nights? It was just in one show. One show, one Friday, one Saturday. And you wore the same clothes, obviously. Yes, same underwear. He's wearing a black t-shirt.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. People should watch this special. Go on YouTube and watch it. But let's get down to the real business here. Israel, Palestine, bud.

Top of the morning. Top of the morning to you. Peace, peace, peace. Peace and love. Do you act at all? I do. You're a good looking guy. I've been on Shameless. I've been on, you know. Yeah, he works. That's great. I know that. You know, I just haven't gotten the big part. But I am going to be in a movie that's going to come out hopefully this year called The Unexpecteds that we shot last year. Who's in it?

It's Matt Walsh. I love Matt Walsh. I love Matty. He's a great guy. Tal's a guy. So funny. Yeah, yeah. Great guy. All right, let me ask you about this Fitbit. Is this a Fitbit? Yes, it is. Now, do you really, this is a- I do use it. You use it. You do. It's great because it's to count calories, pretty much. So it's like whatever- What are you, my aunt?

You count calories for real? I mean, now I know like in terms of like I know like if I spend 15,000 calories during the day, I'm like, oh, I can eat, you know, 2,000. Because you've always been in good shape. So I'm surprised to see you with one of those. I figured you were just a guy that has always been in shape and eats healthy and works out. No, but this actually helped me to kind of like be like, okay, if it's a day that I'm not spending too much calories, then I don't eat that much. Have you ever been fat?

- When I was little. - You were a little fat kid. - Yeah, a little fat kid. I was nerdy too, like I had like glasses. I had the little strings on the glass. - So like that, you look like that. You used to look like that. - Oh my God, it was exactly like that. - You were a little fat glasses Spanish boy when you were young? - Yeah. - But you evolved.

I evolved. I was like an ugly duckling. Bingo. I became... No, it actually happened in high school. You were an ugly duckling? Do it again. Can I get that line again? You were an ugly duckling? How is duck hard for you guys to say? Isn't that a part of your culture? Duckling? Duck is so big. In China, not in Korea. Dumpling for you.

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- Wow, you know that? - Yes. They're so good. Duck dumplings are one of my favorite things. - That's the best. That's rice. - Din Tai Fung. - Yes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - We've eaten it together. - I know, I love it. Thank you so much. - So ask the ugly duckling again. Go for it. - Yeah, yeah. - Have you ever, you were an ugly duckling? - I was an ugly duckling. - Wow, how ugly.

Like him. Yeah, okay. That ugly? Wow. Wow. But you know in those teen movies is like when the girl's like, she's ugly, but she's not. Like as soon as they take the glasses off, I'm like, that was me. Yeah, you weren't that ugly. Like he wasn't like as soon as I took, because I had like the thick, because I'm blind. I had LASIK.

Because I had minus 11 in each eye. Minus 11? I was completely blind. Are you wearing contacts now? No, I got LASIK. So now they're perfectly fine. I'm 20-20. Wow. Until they fail. Right, Andrew? Oh, sorry. Good joke. Good joke. No, but like...

No, but I was like completely blind where to the point where I was like, I couldn't like, if I lost my glasses, I couldn't, I couldn't see, I couldn't literally see nothing. Wow. I would just see like a thing. You weren't afraid of LASIK? LASIK freaks me out so much. No, I recommend it 100%. They peel back your eyes. Yeah, it's great. They do? Have you ever seen a Google image of LASIK? It's the weirdest thing. It's so good. I mean, I remember when I did it, I woke up, it was like, I was like, like a newborn. Did they put you out?

No, you do it. No, like it's just all like you feel it. You feel that. Oh my God, a laser in your eyeball. But it's kind of like you're going. No, they cut a layer. They cut your eye. No, but that's like old school. I don't know what that is. This guy was like that. Yeah, that was Francisco. Yeah, they do do that. What is it? A clockwork orange? Yeah, pretty much. Imagine in the middle of that getting LASIK. He just goes, Yeah.

Put them out. Put them out. No, I recommend that. I mean, I recommend that if you actually are really have a high problem. If you have like a little bit, just stick to glasses. But what are the odds that people, because they do say people go blind from this, right? Or it permanently fucks up your vision. I mean, it's like the very, like the exception is like- Give me the odds. Give me the odds. All right, what are the odds? Less than 1%. Less than 1%. Extremely rare for the surgery to treat. Oh, yeah, that's a good gamble. That's really good. That's like the vaccine thing.

Yeah. God, that's crazy. Why do they get so good? I remember years ago it wasn't that good. No, of course not. Now it's like nothing. Pure. 100% good. Do you have a child? No, I don't have a child. No children? You don't want any? No, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think I eventually do. I mean, my wife is younger than me, so it's like... Yeah, his wife's only 57. Yes. So they've got some time. Yeah, she's doing LASIK right now. And where do you live? You live in LA, right? Because that's where you got the store. You live in LA? Yeah.

We've known him for 15 years. I know. I didn't know Matt Rife lived in Long Island. Well, that's because when he got big, when he got money. Or Rhode Island. When he got rich, he did that. Yeah. Hey, if I get rich, I'm not leaving. Oh, where are you going to go then? Ireland.

No, where are you going to go? Fit right in. No, I would like, I like staying here, but definitely like Europe, you know, something like in Italy. Yeah, you stay here, dude. No, I like LA. LA's the best. I love LA. Why do people dog on LA, man? I love LA. Well, it's easy to hate on because it has a lot of, it gets a lot of attention. Anything gets a lot of attention. It's like the popular guy or girl in school. Right. It's like somebody going, you know, oh, Taylor Swift. I don't know. I don't really like her music. It's like, all right. Well, because everybody talks about it. Exactly. So people don't want to hear it. Exactly.

Because sometimes I have people from the Midwest. I fly them out here. Just friends. And...

I had done that before. Yeah. And they go, oh, this is LA? Like, what'd you think it was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they think it's all Hollywood. Well, it's also, they see like the bad parts of LA. Yeah, there's three blocks of Skid Row. That's what you see. It's like you were not staying there, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not but with him. And he lives the fancy life. Yeah, that's true. You live the fancier life. Please. Don't get me fucking started, pal. Don't even do it to me. I like that. So on YouTube, you can check this out. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And then...

Everyone listening to this podcast, he's an old friend of ours. Very funny. We love him to death. Yeah, no, thank you for having me. Are you crazy, dude? You guys are great. Thank you so much. Even though... And can we just... Whatever we have? No. Okay. No, I think you guys should continue this weird beef. I kind of like it. It's not a beef. I thought we were making fun of each other. No, we are. But it is... I think it's one of those situations where it's like, you know, if we were in a platoon...

Right? Like in Vietnam? Like Vietnam. Here we are. We're in the... Sorry, but are we in the same army? What's it called? In the dog hole or whatever? Yeah. Foxhole. Foxhole. Yeah, yeah. Get down, Bob. Why are you making those funny noises with your mouth? No, I don't know.

When you do that, the enemy can hear. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. You keep going. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's insane. Like there's no one around. Who's this guy? Is this guy new? Hey, guys. I got transferred. Emmanuel, hey. Emmanuel, what's the deal? Are you a good shot? Can you shoot? Oh, yeah. I'm a sniper. That's why I'm here. Oh, wow. Good. Thank God. You are? Yeah. Wow.

why do you have a machete? Yeah. What is that for? Well, you guys were supposed to provide me with a sniper. I, I, I forgot the gun. I forgot. I forgot the gun. I mean, I always carry it. I would bring their own gun. I said I would bring it for me. Machete is just for me. Machete is just for me. It's not even a gun. Wow. I think it's just, I think it's like rain. That's rain. Right? That's rain. Oh, it's rain. It's rain. It's not guns. Rain. Uh,

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So I need, hey Francisco. - Yes. - We're gonna need you to do us a favor. - Yeah. - Okay. - So, you know the enemy? - Yeah. - Get him. - Charlie. - Get the enemy. - Okay. - Charlie. - No, no, no, no, it's Charles. It's PC now. We have to say Charles. - Okay, Charles. - No, he's the type of guy, he's the type of guy that he's gonna go, hey, hey,

I mean, same platoon. Hey, Chang, because Vietnam War, go over there. I go over there. He shoots me. And then he goes, I thought he was the enemy because of this. I think that's what you are. But I would shoot you in the leg as a joke. Right, as a bit. As a bit. And I don't think that if I got shot, you would do a Forrest Gump with me. Oh, like, no. I mean, Bubba? Like Bubba. No, Bubba, Forrest Gump, he carry everybody out, right? Yeah, he carry. I don't think you would carry me out.

I mean... Too heavy. Yeah. Okay. All right. He's strong. Very good. No, I would... You know, I was there when the... You know, in the comedy store when there was like somebody... The guy that got shot? No, I was exact... I was like literally like right here, the guy. And I turn around and I see the guy shooting him. I was there that night, but I was inside and I had heard it go down, but I...

It was so surreal because I wasn't out front that when I heard it, I thought it was a lie. Even though I know it was real. Yeah. Like I heard it. But I saved the girl and I pushed them down. Shut up. Yeah. You're an American hero. Yeah. So for people that don't know, a gang member came on the Comedy Store patio years ago and went right up to a guy and shot...

Point blank. Point blank. How many years old is this now? The original. No, no, in the patio. In the patio, yeah, but it's in front of the- In the outside bar there in 2015. Exactly. Yeah. A gang member ran up on the patio, point blank, shot a guy in the chest. How many people were in the patio right now? It was pretty, it was like maybe like 25, 30 people. Oh.

Oh my God. And then, because I was on the road or something, I didn't miss it. So then you saw the man got shot. I saw that. I turn around and I see the guy shooting because it didn't even sound like a gun. It sounded like firecracker. So I was like, I reacted through the people that were with me and I just, and I thought it was one of those serial killers who's going to basically shoot. One of those famous comedy store, comedy clips

I don't know. Open mic. Okay, go ahead. That came back. It's like Tommy didn't pass me or something. All right, right. You still are down with the Second Amendment now? All of them after being shot at. Yeah, yeah. And then so when you saw that, I heard Josh Nassar held his body. Is that true? Yeah, he did. I don't know why I'm laughing. Why are you laughing at that, dude? I don't know. Wait, he what? No, he did. He did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy that got shot? Yeah, so the guy got shot and Josh Nassar. Was he making a TikTok? Yeah. Oh, yeah. TikTok.

Yeah, rest in peace. Hey, man, you look so good dead. Dude, dude, it's so dark. That's so dark. We're just joking. So you saw Josh hold the guy's body? Yeah, no, he held him like... Was there caressing going on? Like rubbing his head? Like he was in the stairs, so it's kind of like, like, like, come on, like...

Like, come on. Like he was trying to shake those bullets out of him. Wow. Yeah. Crazy. That is crazy. Go to the Google image of it. Cause he shot him point blank. That's nuts. That's insane. The good thing was, and I go to the first image. I hate to say this, but I'm glad that he didn't shoot anybody else. No, that's what I, yeah. Cause it's so funny to have your car trapped in the parking lot after a shooting with Don Barris's car. He just can't move it. Were you in the park or no?

No, no, I was in the back of the Comedy Store. Yeah, but your car was in the parking. No, that was back when I lived in the neighborhood. I used to walk. Oh, wow. So I was in the... What's wrong with me? Sacred Ground. I was in the back. I was by Sacred Ground in our... My name is on the fucking... Yeah. Zoom in, zoom in. Both of our names are there. Oh, wow. No, zoom in, zoom in. My name's not up there. Yes, it is. Yeah, Bobby Lee right there. Who is it? Jeff Ross, Bobby Lee, and Santina. You and Kirk Fox. And Kirk Fox. Holy shit. You know how I know... So, okay. I wasn't out of town. This is proof that...

But he was late, so you probably laughed. I was on the road. I wasn't. Wait a minute. Was I there? That night. Hey, that's right. As much as he canceled spots, he was probably not there. Yeah, that's right. I canceled spots. Because I would remember you being there that night. You weren't there that night. I don't want to play conspiracy theories, but maybe. Francis, did you? Maybe you left. Bobby, you were the shooter. It was the perfect alibi.

I was out of town. I always cancel spots. Yeah. Or it could have been Kirk Fox. He was also on the line. Did they ever catch the guy? No, they did. I think they did. Oh, they did. Because he was like- It was crazy. It was crazy. It was a gang thing related. Apparently, the guy from, I think Detroit or somewhere like that. And the guy, he was here visiting and that's why. He traveled to kill him. Go back to the very first image. I actually want that printed out and hung up in the studio. Can you? Yeah.

Yeah, that's a beautiful image of a murder with our names on the marquee, but I mean, that's history right there. That's history right there. Well, everyone, please go watch this. Go watch. Thank you. Francisco, thank you. Also, what's your handles? Oh, yeah. F Ramos Comedy on Instagram. F Ramos Comedy. F Ramos Comedy. F Ramos Comedy. Go see our boy. Give it up for Francisco Ramos. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me, everybody. Thank you.

I'm over here Carlos will uh Carlos will escort you out you fucking dumb slut. I love you doggy. You're the fucking man. Dude killed it. I love you. What the fuck dude? Bill. What the fuck are you doing?

Are you being real? I didn't fucking do this. Yeah, who did this? Go that one, Blue. Can you do the Blue? That's fine, that's fine. Okay. Bobby Lee, this is your life. Wait, wait. Did you know Bill was coming? No, I was upstairs. I was editing my next... Special? Stupid special, yeah. You know, his editing suite is right here. Oh, it is? Neil Brennan was up there. Oh, wow, wow, wow. I didn't know. Yeah, this is like...

What the fuck am I doing here? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. The great Bill Burr. Can I tell you something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many times every fucking night we see each other at the store and now you're acting like we don't live in the same city. Like, oh my God, like I came in from fucking New Zealand. It's the last person I ever expected to come into the fucking studio. All right, do it one more time, but not as long. No, no, no.

I just came in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just came in. I thought they were on TV. I was like, wow, that's fucking HD9 or something. That's so fucking clear. Wow. Well, I didn't want to interrupt you guys. I know that you guys have a close personal bond. Yeah. We're so joyous that you're here. What are you talking about? How happy does this make you? You blushed. I did. Yeah. Well, you know what? Because I saw him walk in and I thought, is this a bit that these guys set up? Oh, I see. Somebody just said you just missed Bobby Lee.

So I was like looking in, I was looking for your car. The first thing I was looking for was a bumper hanging off the fucking thing. I don't see his car here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The perpetuation of the stereotype is real. Bobby got in an accident the first month he had the car. And then now again. Yesterday, yeah. Yesterday. Yeah, but it has nothing to do with Asians. It just has to do, he doesn't care.

- Dude, that's-- - This is serious, just lack-- - Thank you so much for saying that. - I know. - That's what it is, it's not the race. I don't wanna bring my people down. - No, it isn't. - Yeah, it's because I don't give a shit. - Okay. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I mean, it just so happens you got into two car accidents within a month.

I know, but does that offset Tokyo Drift? Yeah, probably not. One Bobby Lee erases all of these fucking guys. I'll say this one thing and I'll let you guys get back because I'm sure you guys had an agenda. No, we didn't. No, no, dude, what are you talking about, Bill? Yeah, nothing. What are you editing, your special? Yes. Okay, congratulations. Do we have a name for the special?

I don't know yet. I'm working on it. But that was just absolute hell for four fucking hours. Why? Who the fuck wants to watch themselves for an hour? Yeah. For four hours. It was horrible. It was fucking horrible. I'm going to go up there. I got, you know. So now, you know, we all, I think I got to go in tomorrow and then I'm done. Where'd you shoot it? I shot it in Seattle. Look at us fucking doing this little promo thing. Yeah, we're...

I feel like one of these younger comics, how they just fucking know how to promote the shit out of this stuff. They're amazing. Well, let's talk about it because part of the reason I signed up Hulu is because of you. Oh, okay. Well, because Hulu brought over people from Netflix and they were like- I can't shake this guy. Yeah. I keep following him. Well, the reason why I went over to Netflix is because the head guys over there told me there's not enough room for two gingers on one streaming platform and we're going with the younger, cuter one. Yeah, yeah.

When you guys see each other, is there an extra bond? Yeah, well, we have a... Bill sat the sadness. Yeah, we've had the same kind of pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A similar pain through line. Yeah, but Bill, were you bullied growing up or no? Yes. Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, I was sort of in the middle. Like I bullied some kids and then I was bullied and then I hit puberty late. So then that was the end of my fighting. I was 17 when I got my first hair. How old were you?

Oh, Jesus Christ. I didn't have a diary. Oh, you didn't? I wasn't 17. Wow. Because when I got my first hair, we celebrated. It was a big deal. Yeah, we got a cake, everything. What about under the arm, though? You still don't have a lot of armpits. No, no, no. I still have some. Look. Oh, there's a cute. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I remember the first hair. I think it's still there. You still got it? Yeah. Even when I shave it, I keep that one. Bobby's starting to look like one of those old career gamblers. Yeah.

What? That's a good thing? Yeah, it's a great thing. Yeah, you got that. If you didn't have the scorpions thing on this. A black attack. There's something. You're like Phil Locke. You're like one of these guys. Yeah, like that guy. Oh, that guy. Yeah. Wow. That guy knows pie gal. You know what? I don't know what the name of the clip is, but one of my favorite ones I ever saw. And then I'm going to leave. No, don't leave. That can be the bit. Please don't leave. And then I'm going to leave. Okay.

I was watching this World Series of Poker and this guy fucking goes all in. And you know when they go all in, they start walking around? Like, here comes the river. And it was like he had a 98% chance of... I don't know poker, but... And then all of a sudden, the flop came and then it fucking went down to like 7%. But he didn't know. And then the last thing hit and he fucking lost. And the guy literally just goes... And he fucking...

just stormed off and sat there was this little two step thing to where the crowd was he sat down on those stairs and he put his hand like that and he cried for like 15 seconds yeah

And then he just collected himself and was like, all right, and just moved on. It was like it was unbelievable. How much money was it, you think? Millions. Yeah, it was like. Wow. And and and he got totally there was no way. What do they call it? A bad beat. There was no fucking way he should have lost it. And he did. And he went, ah, yeah, he sat down for like 15 seconds. You're not you're not you're not a gambler, are you? Nah, I just don't. I don't.

I don't have the patience for it. And I just also, I just, I get it. I get it. You're winning and I'm losing. Like, why would I do this? Well, we get our dopamine hits from other things. What do you get your dopamine hits from?

- What's your, what? - Learning new shit. And what it really is, it's not a dopamine thing. It staves off my depression. So that's what I've learned. Like I stay out of the, when I get free time, nothing makes me sadder than free time. And just sitting there thinking about life, shit that happened to me, it just makes me sad. So I'll literally like, you know,

the usual bullshit, go to the gyms, play drums or something like that. But learning something new because I don't know what I'm doing and I have to listen to that makes me not think about other shit. - Can you give us some new shit that you've learned? Give us some new shit.

I'll tell you, I rode a fucking Harley Davidson Road Glide the other day up in Santa Maria. And I've never ridden one. I was always intimidated because it was so fucking big. I've ridden smaller ones. And it was one of them fucking... Do you remember in Ferris Bueller's Day Off when they were going over the hill? Yeah. Ferrari. It was like... The valets, right? Yeah. Like we rode through the hills and everything. And...

And first of all, it's a fucking, the scariest thing is going slow on him and stopping because it's like, oh my God, is this thing going to tip over? Once you get going, it's a Cadillac. They had that big, what do you call it, the fairing. So you weren't, you know, your neck doesn't hurt. You're just cruising. So he took us up into the mountains and there was literally nobody on the road.

We went down one street and there was all of these trees just on one side and the trees were curling over like you were surfing in like a tube, except you were on a bike, right? It was amazing. And then we came out of the valley and me and Dean Del Rey, we switched bikes. I got on the sports glide, he got on mine, and then the guy took us through. And then they knew I was comfortable and they started tearing down the fucking, like the valley, like mountains are coming up like that.

So, you know, I kicked it up two, three times or whatever. So I thought I was doing like fucking 55, 60. I looked down, I was doing 90. Wow. And I was just, wow. Dude, that, that, yeah, that was, that was like, uh, you know, the adrenaline thing to the heart. That was, that lasted like a week. Wow. I couldn't stop fucking thinking about it. And, um, do you have a bike?

Yeah, I got a little one. I got a little Royal Enfield. Can I tell you guys what I learned? But I don't drive around in L.A. streets. Can I tell you guys what I learned? Can you not? Why? You talked the whole show. He learned something. Listen, let Asian Bobby Kelly say something. Forget it, you know? No, no, I want to hear it. It's a supportive environment. Go ahead. All right, so I'm going to tell you. So Stardew Valley, right? It's a video game I play.

See, already, dude, I don't like that. Because it's not entertaining. Go ahead. Well, I'll just tell you something I learned. You know, I've been playing that game for years, right? So you can go to Robin's Carpenter Shop and actually move the greenhouse. Okay.

It doesn't have, because I've always built around the greenhouse. Like, oh my God, there's not enough space. But you actually can move it next to your house. Is this one of those games where you're building a village and then you fight other villages? There's no fighting in that way, Bill. So nice try. No, I'm just asking. It sounded interesting to me. Yeah, yeah. And I understand that response because I've done nothing but give you shit for 20 years. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I get it. So it's like, no, it's a farming game. Is it more exciting than the giant melons?

Bill, would you get one of those big bikes? Would you ever want to invest in one of those big Harleys or no? 100%. So this is the next move. It was, yeah. I'm going to do the gingered wild hogs. Please. Totally. Please put me in. The midlife crisis. No, it's one of those things just like, you know, I just feel as an American, at some point you have to ride one of those big bikes. Just do it. Even if you just do it one fucking time.

It was it was like I would never like I don't ride around here. Like I'm always in like the middle of nowhere. Like, you know, in Colorado, we were up in Boulder, went to the Rockies a little bit. And it's just just stay away from people. But like I had a bike out here for about six weeks, about 10 years ago. And the level of texting was like everybody was like had like three beers in them. So there was just all of this drifting. And it was it was fucking terrifying.

So I remember like I never pray, but I literally I was all the way out in somewhere near the beaches or whatever. And I said a prayer. I said, God, if you get me home, I swear to God, I'm never riding this again and I'm going to sell it. And I did. And then I I fucked up like an addict. I rode one when I was in I was in Austin and the MotoGP race was there. That's the Formula One of bike racing. I fucking love that shit.

and they had this thing on Saturday where like the dads, you know how the dads could go there and they called it the victory lap. And I had not ridden a bike in like 10 years so I said, I think I want to be in the back. I wanted, 'cause it was like, I felt like it was 100 guys there. I was like, I want to be in the back. I want to be in the back 'cause I don't want to be going fast or anything. And they said, no dude, you want to be in the front. You want to be in the front because we're going to be going like 25, 30 miles an hour, 40 maybe on a straighter way. But those guys in the back, they wait.

They wait like two minutes and they wait. And then those guys, you know, the guys get the full fucking leathers on. So I said, all right, good. So anyway, I did that. And I was so thrilled that I still remembered how to do it. And then it just, it just, it's back. It's just, yeah. Have you ever ridden a bike? Never have. Oh my God. But I've ridden like a bike, a bike. Not a bicycle, bud. Okay. A bike, a bike. Yeah. That's what they call it. Like, you know what I mean? Like a standard bike. Bike, a bike. No, no. Like the balancing kind. Yeah.

Do you have a tan? Oh, my God. Do I have a tan? Yeah, yeah. You look tanner. Do you do somewhere tropical? No. Okay. You have a nice tan. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Thank you, Bobby. That's very nice of you. Yeah. Bobby, this is our new relationship. I don't like it. Why don't you like it? I fucking hate it. He's so nice to me. You've been so nice to me the last couple of years. I was always nice to you. I just did it in a dysfunctional way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always trashed you because I loved you. I love you, too. Now I can look...

Sort of in your eyes. It's a difficult thing to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To try to see them. I mean, you really are like extra Asian. There you go. There we go. White eyes. We call it white eyes when he does that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if this is maybe a thing with our skin tone and hair.

but I've seen you have clothes that I also have. And I'm like, is that because we have that thing that we pick? Oh, our limited color palette? Yeah, well, those shoes. I have those exact fucking shoes. I don't know anybody that has those shoes. You know what I love about New Balance is people go, oh, that's an old white guy sneaker. It's like, well, yeah, I'm an old white guy. Like I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. But you fit Simmons and you guys all have the same kind of attire. Is it a redheaded thing? First of all, Greg is not a redhead. He's not a redhead.

Fitzsimmons is a redhead. No, he's not. No, he's not. He's not one of your tribe? No. When he did have hair, it was dark. He had brown hair. I think when he grew a goatee, he might have had red in his beard. A little bit. But look, he had dark hair when he was young. Look at that face, though. It's so pink. I know. I'm surprised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what I'm looking at. Bob, what are you doing? Why are you making fun of other people? What do you mean? What do you mean? I can bully, too, dude. I can look at somebody's photo and go, they're pink.

No, but I mean, just the messenger is just throwing me off. And it's so funny that you say that, Mr. Burr, because I'm going to say this, right? I've gained some confidence over the years, and I think I'm very good looking. You know what I would love to do? I would love to take a Sharpie and color in the skin between the mustache and whatever the fuck that is on your chin. All right. I do have to go. No, you don't have to go. I love you. Please stay. We love you, Bill. Thank you so much. Yeah, and I have...

positive feelings about you guys? Yeah. All right, that's it. You know what I like? That was a soft, what do they call it? A soft opening of my special. Oh, here you go. Give him a big hug. I mean, you're trying. This is like you went to wardrobe. You went to wardrobe. Give him a big hug, Bill. Will you please? I always wanted to know, what is that Notary Republic stamp tattoo that you have on your forearm? What is that? This one. Oh, God. This is a bad one.

Why did you do that to yourself? I know. At what point do you just say, I got to lose this? Dude, that is third trimester. Give him a big hug. Thank you, Bill. What a surprise. Bill Burr, everybody. Give him a round of applause. Bill Burr. What a surprise. What a great surprise. Who's this next bitch that's coming in?

You might remember her. Dude, that was crazy. Look at this fucking little beautiful specimen that we spawned on this show. Oh my God. Do you see this little specimen? That was insane. Bill just popped in there. Yeah, yeah. He's like, is Bobby here? I was like, yeah, they're recording, but you could probably just walk right in. God, it's crazy. It's crazy. Let's talk about our beautiful little specimen that came back to the show. Can we just talk about Bill? For some reason, sometimes,

especially in this, like I had to get prepared for him, but that surprise, I was sort of like shell shocked almost. - You were, I was a stumbling fucking idiot. - This is my life now. - But I'm always a stumbling moron with him. I'm never myself when I'm around him. He's the only one. - And me too, why is that? - 'Cause his dominance. - Yeah, I don't know what to say. So then I try to throw on that Stardew Valley,

Right? That was really good. No, no. And then I just go, oh, oh no. Because he's one of the greatest living comedians. Oh no. And anybody watching, that's what getting bumped feels like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're like, oh, yeah, Bill Burr. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to follow that. No way. Yeah. It was just, it's just like, yeah. And the tan thing I said, it's like, what am I talking about? I heard that.

Yeah, I was like, meow, meow, meow, meow. Yeah, but at least you're having fun. I was asking dumb interview questions. You guys are like girls. We are. Yeah, we are. I was like shocked by it. He's one of the greatest living comedians, so it's hard for... If Chappelle comes in here, I'm done. He came in too. I was like, Bill's on now. Yeah. If Dave Chappelle found that one of his employees was talking shit about him through text... Yeah, that would be a big deal. That would be a very big deal. Don't you think that'd be a big deal? Yeah? Yeah. What's going on? Well, you know, I'll tell you what's going on. You're pointing your

fingers at me but but but it meant well you're pointing them to somebody else i know i'll tell you what's going on yeah i grabbed mccone's phone i knew it was mccone right right and i go to the messaging and i go i wonder if i put my name in the search thing yeah all the shit oh that's so smart right yeah and he freaked the fuck out he ran from behind there he knocked all the art knock all the artwork and we we did a thing you also went through my photo album one

I did. You love to snoop. I'm a snoopy snoop. He's a little snooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a snooper pooper. He kept looking at my photos and was like, getting nervous. Yeah, yeah. I am so shocked that you haven't inquired about what's in the bag. What's in the bag? Oh, I have gifts for you guys. Welcome back to what's in the bag. What's in the bag? Can you pass these out to everybody? Get over here, McCone. I'm exercising my power. Yeah. I love it, dude. You've been doing it for years. Why slow down now? No, I've learned it from you.

Yeah. What? Whoa. What is that? What? Hello. Sunglasses. Oh, my God. This is so rad. Wait, wait. You have your own sunglasses? Yes. It's taken years to make them, but it's the only collection I've ever taken part of. The owner of the company reached out to me and was like, do you want your own glasses? We talked about this. I didn't know you were actually going to do this. You also never called me back after I called you and you wanted some advice. They feel good.

You never called me back. I knew you were going to bring that up. You never called me back. I was pissed off about it. She never called me back. You want me to say the thing? Okay, who am I? I'm doing an impression with these glasses. Who am I, okay? Yeah. Right, right? No, no. Jesse Johnson. No, no, no. No? Oh, Prince. Prince. Prince. No, no, no. No? Wait, wait, wait. I'll get it. I'll get it. Hold on. Bobby wearing pink glasses? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, is this just you? Crocodile rock. Elton John. Yeah.

Elton John, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I hope these glasses bring you as much joy as they bring me. Here's looking at you. Sincerely, Jetski Johnson. Jesse Jetski, Juicy Johnson. No, it doesn't say that on there. Yes, it does. Oh, it does. Oh. This is incredible, dude. These are so cool. This is an incredible thing you did, Ed, did. Thank you. I thought you guys were going to hate it for some reason. No chance. I'm so happy for you. I got them for everybody. You guys don't have to wear them, but I hope you enjoy them. We're wearing them. Rainbow optics. Are yours thicker than mine?

No, but they're the same. They're all the same. You can get them online, too, if anybody wants them watching. And we'll put the link in the description. They're all the same, dude. Mine's little or something. Promo code what? Jetski. Jetski to buy these. These are incredible. Oh, they are the same.

- Your face is bigger. - And by the way, just for the record, our good friend Janelle Garza did the art for this, which I do think is so sick. She's an incredible artist. - Incredible. - And look at how dope the box is. I mean, that alone is incredible. - It's so cool. - Dude. - What have you been up to, Jess? - Touring. I'm on my first tour, Trump It 2024. - Trump, Trump It 2024. Trump It 2024. - Oh, that's great. - That's very smart. - Yeah. - Was that on accident?

And then I made the shirts and then I made the connection. Nice, dude. Oh, I see. Very nice. Yeah. Can I plug the Irvine, Houston and Sacramento? Go ahead. Trumpet 2024 tour. I have three more stops. Irvine, Houston, Sacramento. Irvine Improv? Irvine Improv. The weekend or? The weekend late night shows. One late night show Friday, one late night Saturday. Midnight? 10.30 p.m. Oh, go check it out. You're going? Please go see our film. Go check it out. I'm not going to go out.

gonna go oh i thought you were like i'm gonna go we can go you want us to open up the show yeah would you guys we should shouldn't we and when is this um everything's on jetski johnson.com i'll be i'll be busy yeah yeah i'm okay i'm gonna be busy oh and rainbow optics the glasses anything you want on the website 20 off go to what is the promo code jetski promo code jetski much do it jetski sign off the way we used to thank you for being a bad friend love you

T.C. Kiel, 2518. The straight man's path is surrounded by injustice of the avaricious and tyranny of the evil man.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he truly is his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger.

I thought he says lay my vengeance upon thee. Yeah. Let me do it backwards. But this says upon you. You upon vengeance, my lay I when Lord is the name I know will you and...

Brothers, my destroy and poison to attempt who those anger furious and vengeance great with thee upon down strike will and I. Children lost of finder the and keeper brothers. His truly is he for darkness of valley the through weak. The shepherds will good and charity of name the in he is blessed.

"Men, evil of tyranny, the unselfish, the of inequities, the bysides, all on beset is man righteous, the of path, the..." Very good. That's actually fucking awesome backwards. It's just as good backwards as it is forwards. Yeah, that's why it's brilliant. Ezekiel 25:17. Yeah. God, we gotta read the Bible, dude. The Bible's got some bangers. Let's take out every other word, see if that works.

The of righteous is on all by inequities. The and tyranny of men. Blessed, blessed he. It's hard, huh? Blessed he in name, charity, good shepherds, weak valley darkness. He truly brothers and finder lost. Wow. It works that way too.