Big Head, Little Body w/ Chris Distefano
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Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. You like to do badminton? No. Okay. But probably football? American football. Baseball. Baseball. Basketball. Yes. That's your thing. Yeah, not hockey. I don't really do hockey. Yeah, I don't do hockey either. I only do soccer. Yeah. And do you know why? Because I'm a... Because you have little feet.

Dude, you want to tell Zlatan Ibrahimovic that he has little feet? I will tell him that. Dude, he's got six foot nine feet, dude. He's a big mother. He's a big guy. He's not six foot nine, but he's tall. Do you know him? No, dude. If I saw him, I would melt. Really? Yeah, I would be like, oh, I don't know what to say to you. You're from Sweden. You think you would go back? You would get knocked back into Korea?

- What do you mean? - Like Korean accent. You would say, "I don't know what to say to you." - Yeah, whenever I'm around a celebrity, I go back to, you know, Korean. - Yeah, Korean guy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But you look good. I saw you yesterday. - Jo-mon. - I'm sorry, you didn't text me. - Oh, no, no, I'll tell you what you did last night. It was bullshit. - Tell him what, tell him. - And out of pocket and insincere and deceptive and created chaos within my own life. - Yes. - Right? And I don't like it.

I don't like when you come into town and you create chaos. Yeah. And with your diabolical. If you don't get me one, dude. Chrissy Cass. Thank you, dude. It looks like all cream, dude. You know, lactose intolerant, though. Thank you.

It's going to be good. It's all cream, dude. I like Carlos. Carlos is in good shape on top. He's got a chubby little butt. Dude, he's not a chubby butt. It's a Brazilian butt situation. You know what? Carlos has got a butt like a toddler butt. I've never seen a toddler's butt, but I'm taking your word for it. If I pulled out a picture of my three-year-old's butt, Carlos, you wouldn't know which one is. It's just that. How many kids do you have again? Three kids. Three kids. Yeah. Is one of the butts of your kids not good? What?

What my, um, my, my, uh, no, they all got good butts. From you? Yeah. No, no, from their mom. Their mom has a, their mom has a really good butt. And all my kids were born with, uh, tattooed lips on their ass cheeks. Ha ha.

- Ooh. - You like that? - Do you request that or is that genetics? - It's genetics. - Whoa. Can we go back to last night? - Yeah, let's go back. - So I'm at the improv. I'm sitting there with some people, a couple of girls, some guys, you know, my agents are there too. - Oh really? - And their assistants, yeah. - Yeah. - And you come up from behind.

and then you kiss me on the cheek, and then you try to kiss me on the lips, and then you just kind of leave, right? And I had to explain, it took about 20 minutes to tell people that we're not gay lovers. I go, "No, dude, I'm not gay." They're like, "Dude, that seemed like super intimate, and like you're gonna see your husband later." Tonight I go, "He just does that, we just do that?" And I just, next time you do that in front of strangers, you need to explain to people that this is not just a heterosexual fucking situation. - But then I said to you,

But then I said to you, 'cause you told me you were sad. And then what I did was when I was kissing you, then I slapped you a little bit and I felt like I slapped you too hard. - No, it wasn't hard. - 'Cause I wrote to you and you never wrote back. I said, "Sorry, that last slap was unintentionally too hard." - No, I know that. That's when I was mad at the slap. - I said, "I love you." - It's the kisses that- - Call me if you ever wanna talk. - Yeah, yeah. - And then I said- - I prefer slaps and kisses.

- Okay. - But I just, 'cause I felt like, you know, like we have a thing where, you know, 'cause I kissed you once on the head 'cause I really missed you and then I liked the way it felt so I kissed you more. And that's what it was. - Yeah, yeah, I know, but just kiss me once.

Even the king gets kissed on the cheek once. - One time. - I mean, if as a peasant, if I got to kiss the king, I'd want to kiss him more, but I would only kiss him once. - And then I kissed, and then you were sweating, it was warm out yesterday, and then I tasted cabbage on my lips for the whole, the rest of the night.

- Pickled cabbage. - Kimchi joke. - Kimchi joke. That was a really good joke. - Thank you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - 'Cause most people just said kimchi, but I wanna go to the root. - Yeah, Jomon. You know what Jomon is? - Jomon is, let me guess. - J-O-M-O-N. - Jomon, Jomon is- - It's not that black guy's name. - Is it what, Michael Jackson? - Yeah, Jo, Jo. - Scream? - Pick.

Pickled cabbage sliced up in a pan with egg. Then you put it with egg and grated cheese. Then you mix it in to dough and you kind of make like a healthier bread. It's not a food. Oh, jamon. Jamon Jackson. Yeah, it's one of the...

No, Jamone Wayans. It's the 12th Wayans, brother. What is Jamone? What is Jamone? Well, I found out that Jamones were the Koreans before the Koreans and Japanese before the Japanese. Really? And they didn't look Asian. So I don't know what the fuck happened. They kind of looked like...

They kind of look like, let me guess, Chris O'Donnell. Okay. What's his name? Is that his name? Oh, Robin from Batman and Robin. He's gay, right? What? Chris O'Donnell is gay. Why? He was gay in the movie. Well, Robin is gay. That was the gayest movie. Yeah. Robin is gay. Yeah, yeah. I don't think, is Robin gay? I think so. Because he's wearing pink and yellow and stuff. I mean, red and yellow and green. He's just kind of gay. He's just kind of like a sidekick kind of gay. Well, Robin's a gay bird. Right. They should have picked a different. They should have picked a different bird. Like, what's a good one?

Bird of Paradise. Yeah, or like a seagull. Go more gay, go more gay. Yeah, yeah. A seagull. Look at Don's gay, right? Don DePetta is my friend. I like Don a lot. He comes a lot. Him and I, dude, we have a connection. But you don't see him. If he doesn't come with me, you don't see him.

Yeah, of course not. No. But he wants to always reach out and he doesn't feel comfortable if he could reach out to you and Santino. I told him he can. Yeah, but why would you want to reach out? He wants to hang out. He gets lonely here. He only sees you when you're with me. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Weren't you the one that back in the day...

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah. - Wasn't the guy the last time they got us COVID? - Yes, that's him. - Yeah. - That's him. - Done, yeah, yeah. - That's on. And I got- - And he switched his subject 'cause he thought, "Oh, I'm gonna grow this mustache to make it look more." You know what I mean? - But he just grows the mustache. He doesn't grow the beard. I told him it doesn't look good. It looks like Yosemite Sam, but gay. - Yeah. - But gay from Hollywood. - Yeah. You still do standup? - I'm open to that.

Oh. But you were supposed to come tonight, but you're not going to come now? You said you told me the other day you were doing Guess What? I'll tell you what. I got invited to something else. What happened? Well, I got invited to a party that I'm never going to be invited to, and I think I have to go politically. What? Who's the... Can you tell me? Well, yeah, I can tell you, but, you know...

Why are you smiling? Carlos is about to give you a black eye like he gave his kid one. Yeah, no. This guy's Sonny. You know Sonny? He's the showrunner for Beef. Oh, good. Right. And so, you know, Ali, all these guys are- The Asian community. Yeah, they're going to go. And I missed the last year.

And I got invited this year and I was like, I should go. - Is there one of them that you want to get out though? Like between like- - I don't want to go to any of them! I don't want to go to any of them! I go to fucking, I went to that one event a couple, two months ago, was it? - Asian Excellence. - No, not the Asian Excellence. It was like the fucking golden, you know what I mean? Phoenix or whatever they fucking had. - Yeah. - Yeah, and I went downtown. They gave me a shitty table. I'm with Marker Cho, all these fucking people, all the cool Asians get in the front and I got to sit there and watch presentations and see Michelle Yao's back of her head.

I don't want to do it anymore, man. I want to be around my people, my white, dirty whites. I'm a dirty white more than a Korean, dude. Yeah, you are. Yeah, I like the dirties, man. Yeah, we're good. Shaggies, dude. Yeah. You guys are... No, they don't... They're not good... Well-kept. Yeah. You know what I mean? They...

They're just so dirty. Yeah, because it's- And musky. I'm getting sick of it too. There's too many, it's too much, like it's just- Don't say there's too many Asians. Well, no, there are, but- Don't say there's too many Asians. No, it's not there's too many Asians, but it's just like, it's becoming a thing now where it's like, I can't get in. You know what I mean? You'll never get in. I can't get into the Asian thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to get in?

- I do. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I think because if I, you know me, I'm all about procreating, but I don't wanna make more white people. That's why I have Puerto Rican kids. - Oh, that's right. - But the next thing is, if the things end with me with Puerto Rican, I wanna go to the Asians. So I wanna, I'm- - Well, let me say something. - I'm looking out. - I'll make a call to George Takei.

I would love that. Hello? Yeah. Hello? He's still alive. George the Kai? I go, Kai, what's up? Yeah. Yeah. And I'd be like, are you sucking dick right now? Yeah. Oh, he sucks. He loves it. Wait, where's Andrew? Why isn't he here? Where'd he go? We both, you know what's the problem with you and I? Yeah. We both have the same mental disaffection. Yeah.

That like, it just doesn't, there's no cohesive. Yeah, but that's okay. I like it. Here's the truth. It's half the fan base, no matter what, because Andrew isn't here, they shut the pot off anyway. So there's really nothing I can do. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so. I don't know. Okay. Well, if you're still here, thank you. I think the reverse would be true. Oh, if you, if...

I know. I'm kidding. No, let's not cut that out. 40%. Yeah. I do find it interesting that, can you cut this part out or no? Yes. Or maybe. All right. So it's interesting that Andrew called me today and he's like, wait, cause you're doing this movie and then like you're going to Cobbs and this and that. It's like, you're not going to be in town. We got to backlight and go, oh, I'm sorry. When you go out on and doing things, right? I fill in with another guy, but he's never done that.

He's never filled in with another person. When he went to Australia to do that fucking thing with the fucking good looking whites, you know what I mean? What's it, the George Sheena? Yeah, yeah, Hugh Jackman. George Sheena and the Hugh Jackman, whatever it was, you know what I mean? Whatever that, Stakanaka? Yeah, George. Yeah, George Stakanaka. What was that movie? Sticky Nicky. Sticky Nicky. Sticky Nicky, dude. Yeah. When he did Sticky Nicky, I had to fill in four times or whatever, right? He's never filled in for me when I was on the road. Give me one episode.

- He did it with Little Dicky. - Yes. - He did one time here with Little Dicky? - At the last studio. - At the last studio. - He did one with Kalilah, yep. - Oh, he did? Okay, well let's move on then.

I actually think, I believe I even co-hosted one with Andrew when you weren't here. Oh, well then again, I believe I did. I've been, I've been mistaken. Yes. I've been mistaken and I'm wrong. Yes. I want to think I did two episodes with him actually. And then we, and then Andrew and I seriously started talking about how maybe him and I should just do the podcast. Yeah. Okay. And we started texting you and you got very upset. Okay. Well, so let's just say 50, 50. Anyway. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got to put my hair to the side. But, um,

- Well, we were talking about right before that because you went from- - Batman is bisexual actually. - Who? - Robin. - Oh, he's bisexual. - Yeah, I figured that. - I can feel that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I figured that. - Yeah. It's an interesting why another bird when the writers were creating Batman. You know what I mean? Why does it have to be a bird? - Right. - You know what I mean? - Yeah. - Because Batman's a bird. Is a bat a bird? - It's a marsupial. - It's a rat. - It's a marsupial. - Oh, it's not even a bird. - Am I wrong about that? - You're right.

Oh, it's not a bat or a bird. It's a mammal. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I did not know that. Bats are mammals. So they have pussies. Yeah, yeah. And they give birth to the pussy. Yes. Yeah. Isn't that a trait of a mammal? Yeah. Right? I think so. Do you know for sure? No, but it sounds right. All right. Jamon. Pussy. Jamon. We got to go back to Jamon. Jamon. It's not a food then. That's not a Jamon. That's a bat.

That's disgusting. Yeah, yeah. So all mammals give birth through the vag. Yes. Right? So the reptiles lay eggs.

Platypus. This fucking guy. There's always one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Platypus is a mammal that lays eggs. Yeah. There's always a Caitlyn Jenner in the fucking... He does kind of look like a woman from the future. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what a woman's going to be in like 2075. Yeah. It'll look like... So anyway, that's interesting. So aside from the platypus, what are these? Mammals that don't lay eggs? Or they do lay eggs? Lay eggs.

So give me a mammal that lays eggs. The Etched Ness.

Oh, okay. Wow. What is that? Do you want to put that in a soup? It's a spice. Me? Yeah. Oh, because I'm Asian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, when white people say stuff like that, it really makes me mad because I'll tell you why. It's funny, though. I know, but the thing is that, I mean, poor white people eat squirrels. Yeah. Right? It's like you're eating the things that are around you in your environment. It's not the Chinese are going, oh, I heard that in Austria there's a wombat. Yeah.

You know, man, we're going to go down. We're going to eat that. You know, if a wombat was in their backyard, they would eat it. Right. Right. But they're not they're not like going out to like eat weird thing. They're just, you know, surviving based on the land. But we've evolved to like Burger King.

Right. Right. And what I want to say is that, what is that thing called? This Acadena? Yeah. I bet you that meat is better than a burger, like a Big Mac. Oh, yeah. Like if you ate, they were saying in Wuhan, they were eating, what is it? Pandolins or something like that? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What does Wuhan have anything to do with it? Why are you doing this, dude? I don't like this. You know, on TikTok-

You know the hand gestures? Yeah. To have power over the room? Yeah. I know when you guys do that, so stop doing that because that doesn't work with me. Really? Yeah, all this stuff that you're trying to do with your hands to grab dominance. Like this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do this. I know what that means, dude. Yeah, I'm kidding. That's okie dokie. No, they eat these types of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because that thing, whatever that thing is, is just all up in their trees and shit. Yeah, it's disgusting. I thought that was Jeremiah Watkins. Ha ha ha ha ha!

I know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. He has one of those. He's got that nose. That look. I saw him yesterday. He's great. He's an underdeveloped white. He is an underdeveloped white. Yeah, yeah. Like there's a couple of, he should have been in the oven for a couple more minutes. Yeah, when I look, when I see him, every time I see him, I go seven months. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he went out seven months. Yeah, he goes, what do you mean? He tapped out. Yeah, he's tapped out, but he's funny. Yeah, well, that's interesting. Yeah. Yeah, he is underdeveloped. But, you know, you have whites in New York that are undeveloped as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do think if you're going to take...

an American white. Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. His face is underdeveloped. Underdeveloped. But his brain is developed well. But his face is underdeveloped. It's almost as if his face was in the womb for too long. Yes. Yeah, he was baked for too long. It looks like God. You know where his eyes, you know, it started bubbling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like God was making him and, you know, he had like that soft dough, a beautiful thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just at the last minute, he just like that, right on his face. Oh, right. He just smushed it. He dropped it. Yeah, he dropped it on his,

He just smushed it a little bit like that. But as he was going down, he said, I feel bad. He goes, let me make him a comic genius. And he went like that. Oh, gave him that gift. Because he said his face is, I fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about me? He forgot that. I don't think that. He forgot what? The sprinkle. The sprinkle, yeah. On me? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, Andres. You're saying I'm sprinklerless? Yeah. Hey, fuck you, man. Yeah.

Yeah. You think they forgot the sprinkles on me? I think, yeah. I think he put you in a walk and he just... Yeah, yeah. I think with you, dude, is that he goes, I want to make a good looking white. Because sometimes he's in that mood. He's like, watch, I'm going to spend five hours, right? But then he's like, couldn't finish it then. He had to do something else. Maybe there was a hurricane he had to deal with. So he goes, hey, Mom Joe, some guy that works there, he goes, put in the brain. Yeah.

And Mom Joe went to the right, wrong department. He went to the fat, incel-y, you know what I mean? The weird guy department. He went, maybe this one, right? And he put it in the brain, sent you down, and then God was mad, like, what the fuck? Mom Joe! Because once he puts you down in the chute, he can't take you back. He can't take you back. That's it. So now I'm stuck, you're saying, with kind of a dumb incel brain. Yeah, but still bright.

It's crazy. It's crazy. Well, because people that don't have the good look, you know a lot of comics that don't have the look. Yeah. Right? A lot of them don't make it. Right? But they still have the brain. Right. But then they, you know. Right. What? Why are you saying right? I'm just listening. Yeah, but I don't even know what I'm saying. Why would you say right? Because I'm connected to you. Dude, we're so connected. We are, dude. Joe Mon. Joe Mon. Go back to Joe Mon. Okay, let me take another guess at what it is. You're saying it's not a food.

- Yeah, I already, yeah. - Did you tell me what it was already? - I think, yeah, I did, but- - What did you say? - No, you have to, what the fuck? Do you not listen? - Okay, so- - Did I say it already? - No. - Oh, I didn't. - Oh, okay. - It's not cabbage bread. - I didn't? - What was it? - It was the people before you. - Yeah, I did say it. - Yeah. - I did say it. Thank you so much. I did say it. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So they were the original people, but they didn't look Asian. - Well, there's also a group of people called Yayoi.

No, really. Yayois, right? I think they mixed together and they came out with, I don't know. Yayois. Oh, there we go. There we go. So the Jomans are to the left. Does that look Asian? Yes, of course. To the left. Yeah. That looks more like, I don't know, like Kazakhstan. Really? Oh, to the left. Yeah, that guy. Okay, the guy closest to Carlos is Jomon. No, the one close. Right. Yeah. Carlos is, that's Yayoi. Yayoi. Yayoi is gooky.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they're saying that the Koreans actually came from the first one to the left combination of the two. That's crazy. Yeah. That I don't see how that how that one works because the one on the left just looks like Hasan Minhaj.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I thought that he had a Netflix one-man show, that guy. But then the Asian one, the Asian one, I could tell that looks like a very handsome young Korean boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks good. But I'm just wondering, you know, that's probably over years of crossbreeding too, probably.

Yeah, of course. I mean, we all have a little bit of everyone in us. That's why culture to me is so silly when people try to defend their culture. It's like whatever your culture is today, it's because it was into your ancestors hundreds and hundreds of years ago by the enemy. So stop saying we're all just one culture. You and I are more, we're Jomon. I'm getting kind of into history myself and I realized that...

Civilizations, the only way they can evolve is through war. That's it. You know what I mean? And conquer. Because then you absorb other cultures into your, and it actually improves, you know what I mean, a civilization. That's a Jomon. That's a Jomon. Okay, that right there. Now that kind of looks. That does. That actually, to be honest with you. Like Steve Bernadette. I was just going to say that.

Yeah. That's like kind of, that's a semi-Asian. Yeah, yeah. You can see him wear a suit and do political jokes. Yeah, yeah. Like that guy, I can see that. Whatever he's doing. That guy, I can see him. I don't know what the fuck Steve is doing lately, but that's what he's doing lately. That's what he's, yeah, I can see. Wearing a suit, wearing, doing fucking politics. Politics stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see him on TBS. That guy looks like he's...

With this guy right here? Yeah, that's a TBS face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he looks, but that's Jomon. He looks little too. He looks like a tiny little Asian. He looks like, you know, like the Russian dolls, like how they have, they get smaller. Like you look like you'd be the top. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, wait, let me say, I have some at home. Yeah. It's a bigger one and you open it up. And it's a more little. How many openings am I? No, no. I'm saying we'll start with you. And then that little guy. Oh, I'm the big one. That's the, yeah. Right. Oh, so you open, open somebody, maybe four openings. Exactly. That little.

- Exactly. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yes, that's what I think. Yeah, he's the little one. He's the one you get to write in the deepest layer. That's who you look like on the inside. That's who's always mad, Bobby. - But also notice- - That's who makes the mistakes. - But notice, based on that photo, what have we taken from that Koreans that are still like that? - That Koreans, right? - Still have. - Still have. - Based on that photo. - The same exact facial hair as you? - No.

Big head. We were big headed people. Big head, little body. Yes. Yes. I find that to be very interesting. And you know what? There's no shame in that because Tom Cruise has a big head. He does. A lot of the male, like Steve McQueen, all of the male leading movie stars had big heads.

- And little bodies. - And what's great about Koreans is they're a stinkless agent. Stinkless agent. - We've talked about many times on this program. - They don't smell at all. - They don't smell at all. - You don't have a gene that could even make you smell. So that's- - And yet I still wear the cologne. - But why? - Because I like mysterious smells. - Right. - And I like when people walk by me and go, "Ooh, where were you?" And that's not even a cologne, they say. Were you in a war or like, no, or like, you know what I mean? Did you, were you mining?

or something like that. - Right. - You know what I mean? - What about cigarettes? When you smoke cigarettes, do you squat down as low as you can or do you smoke standing up?

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please see dkng.co slash bball. Just give me a second. Yeah, I'm just gonna, you know, I'm gonna go past that. You know, I'm gonna pretend that never happened.

I'm gonna go past it. - Okay. - Like a detour. - Okay. - I mean, so. - Yeah, Juma. - Yeah, Juma to you. - Yeah, okay. - What do you mean? - Because a lot of Asian people, what they like to do is they like to squat down as much as they can. - It's funny. - With their asshole as close to the floor as possible, then they light up a cigarette. - Can I ask you a question then? - Yes. - Guy, right? Could it be that there's no chairs around? - Whatever the reason is, it's just something that they do. - If there's no chairs around your place, would you squat down?

- No. - What would you do, just stand? - Yeah, I would do calf raises. I have Viking blood. - Oh, so you would stand. How about to eat?

- Still stand? - I always stand and eat. - Okay, why? - Something, that's what I do. - Digestion? - Yeah. - Digestion? - I like to stand up and eat. - Okay. - Yeah, I like to. - And then we do that. - That's what it is, yeah. So that to me, if somebody said, "Chris, I want you to draw an Asian person," that's exactly what I'd draw. - Right. - I would draw them. - I wonder why that is. I've never really thought about it. - It's only the Asian culture, 'cause a lot of cultures smoke cigarettes, but not only the Asians will squat down with their asshole hovering

no more than an inch off the floor. - As you can tell, we read that way too. - But it's a beautiful thing. You have hip flexibility, Bobby, is directly related to longevity of life. So the more flexible your hips are, which this man has got very flexible hips, the longer he'll live. - Yeah. - So you do have good hip flexibility. - Interesting. Is that a true thing? - Mm-hmm. - Flip, wait, flip. - Hip flexibility. - Oh, wait, sorry. - Hip flexibility. - I mixed up the two.

Hip flexibility equates to longevity of life. Longevity of life because flexibility overall, they think that the actual key to longevity now is flexibility is the biggest thing. That actually is one of the root causes of health problems is how stiff you are. Are you flexible? No, not as flexible as I can be, but I've been trying to do hot yoga. I've been trying to stretch every day. I've been trying to do core work. I've been listening to music.

Andrew Huberman. I've been listening to... Is he a good guy? No. Oh. I don't know him. Oh, you don't? I just listen to his stuff. But you know a lot of people. Not as much as I... Let me ask you something. I don't know... I'm a little bit disconnected. I'm not as plugged in as you. That's not true. No, it's true. If you're doing a gig... Mm-hmm.

Have there been like famous people that come to your gig? I don't get that. Not one time. Unfortunately, no. Not one time a famous person. Not very. I mean, unless I knew them before. Of course that. I mean, no one like I'm not going to be on the road and all of a sudden like John Cougar Mellencamp is going to go, hey, are you in Indiana? I know I don't know you, but come eat. You know, I mean, a pork sandwich. No, unfortunately, I don't have any. Yeah, because in Indiana, right? Pork pork sandwiches are huge.

Right? What do they call them? The tenderloin, pork tenderloin sandwiches. So that when you laugh like that, dude, that's a mockery of my own thoughts. And I want you to stop that. Yeah. Immediately. Yeah. Okay? You almost killed us four years ago. Yeah. All right? And I have not forgotten about that. Yeah. All right? Murder, dude.

Attempted murder. Legit. Legit. Yeah. So interesting to me. But I never get, no, I never get any famous people that come, unfortunately. There's got to be. One time where like someone that, anybody. How about comics? Famous comics. No, not really. I never get like the people who, oh, it's just so-and-so wants to come back to the green room and say hello. It's never happened to me once. Really? No, unfortunately. Something's not connecting with my comedy. Yes.

I don't think that's what it is. No, no, it is. It is. No, I think you're so aloof, you have no idea what the fuck is going on. No, Bobby, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Something's not connecting. I don't know what it is. I don't think I'm not funny, but something, the general public is looking at me and just saying no overall. No, that's, oh my God. I'm telling you it's true. No, look at the numbers. When we were in Vegas. Look at my YouTube numbers. When we were in Vegas. Look at the numbers.

That's not the numbers. We were in Vegas, right? You were the one that goes, hey, let's go sit next to Jimmy Kimmel. Okay, Jimmy. I don't know Jimmy Kimmel. But he doesn't come to my shows. I know, but you know him. Yeah. All right, what other celebrities you know then? Jimmy Kimmel? Yeah.

Chaz Palminteri. Oh, you see, I don't know Chaz Palminteri. Yeah. You've hung out with him? Yes. Chaz Palminteri, I know. He's a huge star. Yeah. Big time star. Legend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is when I was going through my glasses phase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate that guy. Really good. Myself, I'm talking about. I hate that guy with the glasses. Who else do you know? I know... Now, when I ask no... Not really anybody. Okay, when I ask no, what is no? Like, for instance...

um someone that you've met before or is it somebody that's in your life that's the confusing part because i've met a lot of people but for me to say that i know them is a different thing right yeah like only people that i know chas pamentieri i know you've you've talked we go to each other's houses like chas pamentieri was almost my little daughter's godfather oh what happened i got beat out yeah who beat him out we had to be um uh

well, who beat him out initially was Jasmine's uncle, Jerry, T.T. Jerry. - Okay, okay. - That's who beat him out. - Was Chaz upset about it? - Well, no, because what we decided was, 'cause he's trans, so T.T. Jerry was actually the godfather and the godmother at the same time. - Oh, double combo. - We just did it once. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get a double combo, that's good. - That's it, yeah. So he's the godfather and the godmother. - Wow, that's amazing. - But Chaz, so,

But Chaz is the only guy that he's, I know he's old school. He's old school. But he lives in your area? No, he lives about an hour away. Okay. But we see him on the weekends. We go pumpkin picking with his family. Oh, so it's a close thing. Oh yeah. My girl and his wife are like very close. They talk all the time. Whoa.

Yeah. Is Chaz, he's working a lot still, right? Sure. Yeah, yeah. Old school work. Yeah, he's old school Hollywood. Yeah, he's one of the best. He doesn't have to like call, he doesn't have a PR person. He just walks up to like a nightclub. Unusual Suspects, one of my favorite movies. The bouncers. Chaz Palminteri is known by, almost every black person knows Chaz Palminteri and they love him. He's their favorite. Amongst black people, Chaz Palminteri is up there with their favorite white.

He might be their favorite white person is Chaz. With the blacks. Because Bronx Tale. Yeah, he's like 20th on Asians. Yeah, they don't- Yeah, so he's really low. Yeah, and he would be even lower if we- Dad, you know Chaz Palamentary? They're not even close. Yeah. Chaz Palamentary. Yeah.

Right? He wouldn't know. And you're like, are you even listening? I'm listening to you. Yeah. Right? He doesn't know. He doesn't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, Dad couldn't say a lot of things. No. You know, Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel J. Yeah, yeah. Samuel J. Yes. I know J. My people, you know,

but he doesn't know much. He doesn't. Yeah. Yeah. Give me another. What's a harder one? Benicio del Toro. Oh, forget about it. Yeah. Dad, you know Benicio del Toro? No, not even close. My dad wouldn't even know. Like, you know, I go, name me one Beatles song. He doesn't even know what the fuck you're talking about. He's out.

He's out of culture. Like, there's nothing. Have you seen a movie? I've never seen a movie. He doesn't know what... Wizard of Oz! Doesn't know what it is. You know what I mean? If I explain it to him, I don't like. There's a wizard alive. I don't like a lion. I don't like a tin tin. A tin man. I don't care. You know what I mean? He doesn't know. So what would he watch then? What did he like? That's the thing. Fucking nothing. In fact, two weeks before he died...

- Right, this is a sad story. I think I've said this story before, but. - But it's a different experience with me. You never go down the same river twice. - What?

So I'm saying, even if you sail the story again, it's a different day, different audience, different, you never go, you never step in the same river twice. - But people do. - No, but then, but it's flowing water. So you never, so it's technically a different. - If there's a river by your house, you've probably been in there more than twice. - No, no, you step in. You know where I learned that from? Ancient Jomon Proven. - Oh, really? - Jomon. - Oh yeah, well then they were dumb. - Yeah. - 'Cause it makes no sense. But anyway, maybe not too, I wanna make, see sometimes I exaggerate, so I wanna be. - Be honest. - I wanna be completely honest. - Be honest, be accurate.

- A year before my dad died. - Okay. - I would have to say. My brother and I were in his house in Phoenix, Chandler, Arizona. And he was resorted, he's in a wheelchair now. He can't walk. - 'Cause he got hit by a truck ride or something?

Didn't, isn't that, didn't something happen? No, no, no, no, no. Stroke? Or didn't your grandmother get run over by a tank? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, my aunt did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you remember? Yeah. Sometimes I think about it like in the shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My aunt got run over by a tank. By a tank? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what a weird thing to memorize. Wow. That's what I'll tell people, fun facts about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the most traumatic in my family's history, you know. Yeah.

But a year before my dad died, my brother and I were at home and we were talking about music. And he goes, I don't like music. We're asking him questions about music. He doesn't know anything about it. Right. I go, have you ever heard a song? And he goes, sometimes I go out, you know, I see, I hear, I hear, you know, in the, you know, outside. You know what I mean? In the mall, when I'm in the mall. You know what I mean?

'cause one of his stores was in a mall, but he doesn't know what it is. Like he doesn't listen to it. - Right. - To him, it's just like birds chirping. - Right. - You know what I mean? Or like planes crashing. You know what I mean? There's no difference. - So what would he do for entertainment? - So my brother-in-law goes, "We want you to listen to this." I put my little, you know what I mean? AirPods in his ear. We played them. It's the most like universally, you know? And it was "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton, right? And he's listening to it.

and then tears starts coming down his face. And he goes, "That's beautiful." It was unbelievable. - There it is. - 80 years, never heard a song before. - Right. - It's like, we're running into a primal, a tribe in some island, right? - Yeah. - He has access to everything, but he doesn't, you know what I mean? That's basically who he is. - Did you tell him what it was about?

- I said, yeah, Eric Clapton get cocaine and kill this kid. That's not what happened. - No. Do you know actually what happened? - I know what happened. - Tell 'em what happened. - So there was some sort of party or something at his house. - This is already wrong.

Yeah. There were people there, though. This is wrong. Go ahead. I literally Googled it the other day. Okay. Right? Okay, go on. And then he fell off a window, out of a window. Okay. So the window part's right there. So no, what happened was... Wait, first of all... No, but let me tell you the story first so you can fact check it. Okay. So what happened was is he...

he had left his baby you know the with their nanny and they let the kid like used to run up and down the hallway like in his apartment building in new york and they lived on whatever the 14th or 15th floor and the maintenance worker had left the window at the end of the hallway open which was like a floor to ceiling window because they were like cleaning it and the kid thought he was running he had always ran to that window and touched it and ran back and he just ran through the window

- Wow, that's insane. - Yeah. - That's what it says online. - Yes. - Yeah, I was wrong. - Yeah, that's what it is. - I don't think I'd ever come back from that. - No. - Would you? - No, but I think he did come back. I think he then just- - No, yeah, he wrote "Tears of Heaven." I'm just saying me. - Yeah, I think he- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did proactive things. I'm just saying if it happened to me, I think that it would- - What? - Best special.

You would win best special. I would come with a great special? I don't know, man. I think you would. It would take me years to even get back to any form of normalcy. But what would it take if I killed one of your cats? What would be similar to that to you? Who would I have to kill for you to feel that, to kind of motivate you to write the special of your life? Who would have to die right in front of you? Wow, what a question. Thank you.

It would have to be a four-man death. A four-man? Yeah, yeah. Okay. For me to motivate me to make the best special in the world. Like what? The producers in here and Andrew? Everybody would have the whole bad... No, no, no, no. It would have to be my brother. Okay. My mother. Okay. Andrew. Okay. And Kalilah. All four of them. Had to die simultaneously at the same time for me to go... To feel...

completely lost. Right. Of like, oh, I'm going to kill myself or I would definitely not stay sober. No. It would be too traumatic for me. Right. And I would probably disappear for a very long time. I had to go through a bender. So I already thought about it. So I would liquefy. I would liquefy. I would sell my house. Because he secretly hopes it happens.

- No, I don't secretly hope that happened. - I do the same thing. - I don't secretly hope it happens. - I hope everyone- - I just have like an out. - I know, but it's a fantasy. - So I would sell my mom's house, right? Maybe not sell mine. I would like try to lick, like I have some other real estate I would probably sell. - Okay. - I would get as much cash as I can, right? And I would probably get, I've never tried fentanyl.

Okay. So I would just get like high-grade fentanyl. Right. I would get all the liquor in the world. It's just the whole thing. Shrooms, acid, everything. Right. And I would probably go into like a place like Butte, Montana because I was just there. And so when I was walking around Butte, Montana, I was going, oh, that's where I die. Right. In my mind. You know what I mean? Like I found spots. Like there's abandoned mines.

Yeah, so I'll just be in an abandoned mine. Yeah. I mean, with my overalls. Yeah. No shirt underneath it. No. Right. And I know already that your nipples, you have strands of hair that come out of your nipples. Exactly. Yes. And I would not shave them. No. They would be like out. Right. Just swirling around. Yes. In the wind. Yeah. Right. I would have a bandana on my head. Right. I'd put one of those football kind of black, you know what I mean? Yeah.

- Well, you know how Batman did like, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - Yeah, Dark Knight. 'Cause he has to put the mask on so he wants this area to be, he wants this area to be dark, right? So I had no mask, I just have that with the bandana, right? I would look really wicked. - Awesome. - Right? And I would just party till I gave out, I think.

So you wouldn't, so you're saying you wouldn't write a special. But then if I survived that. No, but then, but no, I'm just telling you what I would go through. Right? Okay. And then it would be like, I think, I wonder who would try to find me. A raccoon. Yeah. I think. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What I'm saying is when I, I just said who in my life would try to find me and you're fucking saying a raccoon would. Yeah.

Yeah. I think Andres would, I think Andres would be the one who would try to find you because he would see if you were still alive so you could do the ad reads. Oh, right, right. Yeah. He would say that they need you. Well, this would be over if Andrew died, right? This would be over. Tiger Valley would be over. No, I don't know if it would necessarily be over. I could slide in for half the price. Yeah.

Yeah, we would just... Yeah, I could kind of do it. I don't think I would be able to do it. I'd relocate, no issue. I don't think I would be able to do it. I think you'd pick up the pieces. But anyway, so if your three children, your wife, all died, right? Is that too much? Whatever, we're in it.

- We're in it, we're in it, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know what I mean? And you're like, you know what I mean? They, them, uncle. - Yes. - Yeah, yeah. - Came in, which is all, this is all-- - No, he's dead too. - Okay, he's dead. - Yeah, yeah, but he dies from other things. - Right. - I'll tell you that right now. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know what I'm talking about. - 100%. - Yeah, yeah. - Philadelphia style. But anyway. - Yep. Oh yeah. - Yeah? - Yes. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Lesions, you know what I'm saying? - 100%, yeah, yeah. - Absolutely. - And so what would you do?

So I'm the cop. You're on the road. Okay. Hello, Mr. Stefano. Hi. Hi. How are you, officer? Excuse me? Am I talking to Christopher Stefano? That's me. Yeah. How you doing? Are you a cop? You're an officer. I'm Sheriff Wilson. Hey, Sheriff Wilson. How are you? I'm Sheriff Wilson. How are you? I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff Wilson. I'm Sheriff

This is not a FaceTime. Oh, I thought that you were physically. No, no, no, no. Oh, if I physically saw you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you want me to physically see you? Well, I just thought because like, I was like, that would be weird if you're the sheriff of Ozark County and you're a small Korean man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you would say that even if that was the case? Yeah, I think I would because I have a nice rapport with,

the police. Yeah, but I'd be like, why are you being racist? Well, I would just, I think it would just be my attempt because I'd be very nervous. It'd be my attempt. Well, then my explanation would be during the Civil War, you know, then some Chinese moved here. Right. To the Ozarks, right? 99.9% of the people moved out, but my family wanted to stay. We owned a Chinese restaurant. Right. Over, you know, hundreds of years. Right. And, you know, my family said, I decided to break away from the Chinese food industry and become a sheriff.

Yeah. What's the problem? I decide to break away from the Chinese. Look at that. There I am, dude. Actually, yeah. See, that looks like, that's not full Asian, though. That's half white. No, that's full Asian. That's Jomon. No, that's not Jomon, dude. That's Jomon. No, the reason why, he has to look like that. Right. Because if he doesn't look like that and he looks like me, he's dead.

Right. He has to assimilate as much as he can. A little bit. Yeah. He had to push his eyes up. At night, he's just with his fingers like this trying to stretch them out. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Remember in that movie... Clockwork Orange. Clockwork Orange. The little mechanism. Yes. The little mechanism. That's what he does. That's what he does. Anyway, hi. Hi. So, like I said, I'm Sergeant...

Sheriff. Sheriff Wilson. Wilson, that's right. From the Ozarks. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry to inform you that your wife and your children died in a fire. Worried about letting someone else pick out the perfect avocado for your perfect and impress them on the third date guacamole? Well, good thing Instacart shoppers are as picky as you are. They find ripe avocados like it's their guac on the line. They are milk expiration date detectives. They bag eggs like the 12 precious pieces of

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The way car buying should be.

Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. What? That's it? Where? No, where? Damn. Where? Your house, sir. Oh. I would say. And you're they, them. All died. No, he died outside of the house from something else.

- Right. - Yes. - Okay. - There was bubbling. - So what I would do. - Bubbles on his skin. It looked sexual. You know what I mean? - Yeah. - It was, it's sexual vibes we've never even seen before, but he was just like, "Help me." And we just shot him between the forehead. You know what I mean? Because there's nothing. Well, because the CDC had to get involved.

Right. Yeah. Right. You know what I mean? And it's, we don't know, you know, but it looked like something. And we're not sure. Yeah. A sexual disease, AKA like Ebola. Right. Right. And his dick was missing. It was terrible. And we have to be careful and we have to be careful because he did die within the, he did die in the property of a Korean person's backyard and they could eat him. They would eat him.

Interesting how you switch that. That is true. Well, because from before, if it's in your backyard, they eat it. Well, it is true. Your neighbors are Korean, and half his body was on the Korean's lawn. Yes. Luckily, the Korean family did not eat him. Right. But the rule is in Korean law, if you die on my property, you are food. You know what? So it's very unusual to tell somebody that their three kids and their wife died and is more obsessed with the uncle. Yeah.

of where his position of his body is. Yes, because my thought, because what I would immediately think about is like, you're a cannibal, but are you using chopsticks to eat them? I know, but I'm telling you that your wife and your three children, that would not even be in here. Okay, so honestly, what I would do, I'd be...

I would take a minute. What I would probably do, honestly, is I would probably do is because I wouldn't be able to live, you know, more than an hour without them. So I would be like, I'm not going to live anymore. But what I would honestly do if I'm being completely honest with you, I would take it in, obviously be horrified, upset. I would say I'm killing myself tonight. But before I do that, I do want to at least have sex one more time. And I would get a prostitute in Ozark. I would honestly get a prostitute and then I'd get a gun or any meat and then I'd take my own life. But I would have sex with a random prostitute one time, no condom whatsoever.

- Okay, okay, okay. That's what you would do? - Yeah, and I'd pay her whatever. - Most people would have just called other family members and express their grief. - Yeah, well, there's nothing really my family's gonna help me. Nothing's gonna help me with that. - Do you know that your friends could help you through that? - Yeah. - You don't think so? - No, no, no, no, no. No, how could they? What could they possibly tell me that would make me better?

Well, I mean, can we just take it one day at a time first, I would say? I know, Chris, this is how you feel right now, and I can't imagine what you're going through. Right. But can you do it tomorrow?

- Have sex with the prostitutes? - Yeah. And you know what I mean? - No, I would say that's the, this is also my last night on earth, but I'm gonna go out and have sex with multiple prostitutes. - Okay, okay. Well, now there's two. - Well, honestly, if you want to just be honest with you, just because I know that I'm dying that day, I would maybe get one male, one female, and just to feel it. 'Cause even though I make a lot of gay jokes, I've never done anything gay like that. - Well, that's interesting then. Would you have sex with me then? - Yes.

- I would. - But you know what? Through the love that you and I make, it might wanna make you live. - That's true. Because you know what it is- - I'd make you giggle. - Yeah. Because you know what it is, you look like you have, even though I know, you have a clean body. Like I bet you having sex with you, it's like the inside of your body looks like a doll. - That's, oh my God.

- Pull on the nicest things everyone else. - Yeah, you have clean. - Thank you so much. - You have a clean ass, clean everything. - And that's the truth. - Yeah, it is. - Amen. - And no hair on your body. Very little pubes. - Hallelujah. - No ass hair. - Yeah, yeah.

That's a morbid thing to even think of. I'm so sorry that we, I don't even know how, why we went down that path. Well, the thing is with you, when I'm with you, I'm just going to kind of go where you leave me. Yeah. But I'm trying, but I felt like you loved it. I felt like you loved me there. No, this is, did I lead him there or did he? Yeah. What? Eric Clapton. Oh, we went from music. That's the thing with you. Yeah. Yeah. It, you know, we talk about one thing, right. And it goes into that. I don't know why. I guess I did lead you down there. What I like to do. We go back to Eric Clapton. I like to do the reverse rate. Yeah. You lead the trail of tears and I follow.

Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Is that a Vietnam reference? No, Native American. Native American. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is I am not. No, but I mean, you know. Yeah. Yeah. It's whatever. No. No, it's not just whatever. It's not just whatever. It was a tragic time. It was. Can you explain to me what happened at the Crusades? Because I don't know anything. Whenever like I talk to, no, honestly, whenever I talk to people about religion and they go, why don't you believe in God? I go, I always say, oh, the Crusades. Yeah.

Just as a blanket statement. Right. And then they go, oh yeah, that's right. You know what I mean? I just kind of move on. But I don't even really know what I'm talking about. It's the religious war, the Christians versus the Muslims. Oh, so is that what happened? That was it. Big time. They fought a lot over ancient Turkey. The, you know, Christianity thought that their religion was the best. Turkey, Muslims thought theirs was. You know what the interesting thing is about- Who won the Crusades? Uh,

- Nobody really knows. I mean, I would say really kind of the Christians, but that's 'cause, but I have Christian tattoos all over my body. I'm actually fighting in the modern day crusade. - Wow, okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going up against the Church of Latter Day Saints.

Tomorrow, that's our match. I'll be winning. Yeah, there you go. But you know what was interesting is I read a book about it and they said that you would think that the Muslims, right, because you hear like these things like, oh, it's a very racist thing right now. You'd be like, oh, you'll hear like, oh, Muslims, dirty, whatever. That's all such a bullshit. Bullshit. It's a racist thing. All the Muslims I know are clean. No, no, because it's because...

it's reverse racism because what would happen is actually the Muslims were so well, was so educated, so hygienic. They had science hundreds of years before the Christians. Where the Christians came in kind of gangly, disgusting. The Muslim people said they could smell the Christian army coming from miles away. So they were dirty, filthy heathens. Where Muslims were high science, education. Astronomy. Astronomy. Yeah. All that. Dancing with the stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did it everything. Wow.

- Wow. - Yeah, they had it all. - That's interesting, yeah. - Podcasts. - Yeah, what did the Muslims invent back then that we still use today? Without the Muslims, what would we not have? Algebra. - Algebra. - That's huge. - The Arabic. - That's a big one. - Numeral, our numbers, Arabic numbers. - Oh, okay, let's go. Let's just zoom in. - Yep, hospital. - The Muslims invented coffee. Bro. - Look at this.

- Every time I take a sip, I say praise be to Allah. - Yeah, there's another one. Algebra is huge. Hospitals, bro. - Toothbrush. - Dude, really? - They had disgusting teeth. - Yeah, because look at the English. - Deodorant. - Yeah, yeah. - Smelling spices.

You know what most of the war crusades were over? Salt. Whoa. They wanted their, everybody wanted each other's salt. Clocks, bro. They invented clocks, bro? That's legit, dude. Optics, university. I haven't even heard of windmills. Yeah. Yeah. Beheading. Beheadings are on there? Yeah, yeah, that's good. That's interesting. The crank. Oh, yeah, the crank. Wow. What is crank? Street drug? I know a little statistic I read the other day. Tell me. A black kid invented the doorknob. Yeah. What?

Did you know that? Google it. That guy. That guy invented the door fucking knob, dude. What the hell were they doing before? They were difficult to open. You know what I mean? But he made it, you know, and he made no money off of it. He just, wow. People just stole it from him. Like, oh, wow. I could have thought of that. And just took it from him. That's very interesting. But that guy invented it. What's his name?

Osborne Dorsey. Osborne Dorsey, fucking- Invented the doorknob. Yeah. The Dorsey knob, they should call it. Yeah, the Dorsey knob. Thank you, because I use doorknobs still to this day. Yeah, because every door was like a saloon door then, back then. You just have to push it open. All right. I guess. And he was able to find the little mechanics and little- Yes. That's incredible. Yes.

- Yes, Osborne Dorsey, African-American man who invented the doorknob and the doorstop in December of 1878. - Well, doorstop seems like somebody would figure that out. - And he was born a slave. I mean, right? He became freed. He became a freed person. - Wait, wait. He invented it while he was enslaved? - He was born into slavery and then he says he became a freed slave. So I don't know what that means. - Oh, and then after he was able to. - Yes. - Imagine all the things they could have invented if they weren't slaves. - I know. - Think about that. - Right. - Like, you know, creams or whatever.

Exactly. No, I agree. I think about that. Is that racist? Sure. You can say it though. You're Asian. It doesn't matter. I don't know that Asians, even though Asians are the most racist pound for pound people, we whites get the worst, but Asians are. I mean, it's horrifying how racist they are amongst each other. I've heard that been said and really there's no evidence to back that up.

- I mean, the Chinese, they came in and they, Japanese came in and they were bayoneting Chinese babies and killing them. They all hate each other. They think the Koreans are, well, Koreans are the top, China's the top one, then Japan, then Korea, then Vietnam, then Laos, right? - I mean, I don't know why there's a ranking, but if I were, hypothetically, if I were to rank it, I have my own ranking. - Well, if you want to hear the reason, come to our meetings.

Oh, your white winnings. Okay. Well, then explain to me why based on the rankings. China's the number one. Why? Biggest, most populous. But you're just basing it on geography, right? The size of mass. No, and people. I mean, yeah. And how much real estate they own. Okay, but it's still based on the land, right? I want to get into like...

you know what I mean, what they've invented and, you know. Well, China invented everything. What? China was the one that they all- Gunpowder. Yes, gunpowder. Spaghetti. Spaghetti, yeah. Really, spaghetti? Yeah, Chinese. Yeah, okay. The finger trap. Yeah. Yeah, finger trap's a good one. Yes. That's a really good one. Yeah. What else did they invent? You said- Warfare on horses. Right. Chinese. Yeah. They also invented-

What's the thing? Chariot? No. Plow? No. I forgot what it was called, but I'll act it out. How many people? Yeah, rickshaw. Rickshaw. Thank you so much. Oh, they invented alcohol.

That's a huge one. That's a big one. Dude, that's like one of the number one things. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Noodles, silk. That's incredible. They said, wait, Chinese invented toothbrushes too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get down to it. What is going on? What's going on there? Come on. It's them claiming it though. That's what it is. Oh, we are made up of what?

How do you know? Look at my teeth. Or whatever. I don't know. Why would they? They're so clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so let's go to Koreans. What did Koreans invent? Probably not much. Let's do Koreans. Let's see what did they invent.

Let's see, what do Koreans possibly invent? K-pop. All right. Infection control robot. - Now we're getting into the future. We're like, fuck the past. We need, you know, everybody have an infection. I mean, we need a robot to do that. - Braille translation, that's nice. That's helpful. - That's huge. - Yeah. Software that predicts cardiac arrest. - Dude, you know how sometimes you're watching a movie

And you go, God, I wish this wrapped around. I wish it wrapped around my whole body. They invented the wraparound movie, dude. Smart glasses reimagined. They didn't even invent the smart glasses. We'll reimagine it. Yeah. That's insane. That's just software that predicts cardiac arrest. Oh, look at this one. Inflatable isolation wards. What?

Really? You know how isolation wards are so on the ground? It's so stern. They put you in an isolation ward and they push you down the river. Wow, that's incredible. So we didn't really invent anything. A flexible screen TV. It's one of those things where we took other inventions and made it better. But that's okay. That's what you're good at. Right, that's what we were good at. Look, 5G smartphone, 3D hologram, recharging roads for electric vehicles. That's pretty big.

Because I think that we only got into the game of that. Jay Gon Gu, an automated self-striking water clock. What? We invented that? Yeah. I have four Jay Gon Gu's, dude. I have four of them at home. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That's good, though. That's incredible. Let's go to now. This is great. Let's go to Vietnamese. Because we're ranking the Asians, right? Yeah. What are the Vietnamese? Yes.

- Let's guess before it trails. - And by the way, just know what's gonna happen. You know what's gonna happen by the way too is people are gonna say that you're allowing me, a white person to make fun of Asian culture and all that stuff. - All right, push pause for a second. Let's talk about that real quick, okay? I wanna talk about that right now. I make fun of whites so much and their culture, I really do.

And a lot of my friends make fun of my culture, right? But Korean isn't my culture. I'm an American. I was born here. I have the same sensibilities as everyone else.

I don't know. I mean, I like the food. I do feel like when I'm around my Korean friends, it does feel a little different in terms of shared American experiences that we bond into. But I love you so much. I know there isn't a racist bone in your body. And what we do is it's healing for us.

It's a pleasure to do what we do. I think it's healthy, you know what I mean, to out of love make fun of each other. And this is, to me, not a bad thing. I think it's a positive thing.

I think this is what dock workers did back in the day when like you had different cultures at a dock, right? And they didn't know that each other's languages and they made fun of each other's mustaches or the way someone talked and they would all laugh, drink a beer at the pub or whatever. And was there a way of bonding and, um,

So I don't think it's a bad thing. I don't think you've ever said anything racist. You never said anything that's offended me. And there are a lot of Asians that don't like what I do. A lot of them. Right. And they've told me to my face. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like you're a disgrace or you know what I mean? You know what I mean? And it's like I don't feel that way. Right. I do what feels right. I think that I think I'm very funny.

And I think you're very funny. And so can we get past that? Yeah. Let's make fun of the Vietnamese. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Anyway. Okay. So what did they do? Hand embroidery. Let's go. Let's go. The first one. Okay. The ATM, dude. Are you sure? They said, they said, do duck quong. A Vietnamese inventor co-invented the ATM. Oh, co-invented. Co-invented. Who's the other guy? White guy.

- Jew. - Jew. - Yeah, probably. - A guy that looks like Carlos. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - The second is the conical hat, also known as the non-la. This hat is believed to have originated in Vietnam over 3,000 years ago. - What is that? - Aliens, you know? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a cone head hat. - No, it's one of those flat hats with the little- - Oh, that's okay. - Oh, that hat? - Yeah. - They invented that hat. - They invented that? - Yeah, yeah, wow. - Like Raiden from Street- Oh, there it is. - That they invented, that's incredible.

That's a pretty cool hat. Yeah, it is pretty awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a good idea. It keeps you, you know, the sun out of your face. It just looks weird. It does look kind of crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you could make it cool. Yeah. Anyway, the locker wear. Yes.

A natural product that has been made in Vietnam for centuries with pieces dating back to the 4th and 5th century. Okay. Okay. Hand embroidery. I mean... Yeah. What? Yeah. I know they've never really done... This is why they're kind of not at the top of the list. Evasion. They don't have anything. They're not reimagining anything. Well, the Bokob antivirus is pretty good. That's pretty big. How many times have you had Bokob? I have had Bokob. Right. And you're like, God damn, I'm going to die. And then they had the antivirus. Yeah. That's it. That's pretty good. That's good. Yeah. Well, the thing... What's some other...

Other things I meant about Vietnamese people include... Vietnamese calligraphy.

- Yeah, but that's just, it seems like. - It seems like it's- - 'Cause no one else uses it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - No one in Cambodia is going, "I'm doing Vietnamese calligraphy." You know, they're doing their own calligraphy. - Yeah, so it doesn't- - Phong shading, I don't even know what the fuck that is. - I don't know what that is. Yeah, this is why they're not, they're kind of- - All right, so let's put them right now based on what we see. - Put them at five. - At five, but then we never did Japanese. I'm sure it's a lot. - Japan is two, China's one.

So let's go to Japan. Japan was too. Well, based on Korea, though, I think we're like fourth. No. Well, let's see what Japan invented. Zoom in, zoom in. Japan's a big deal. The electronic rice cooker, that's big. You use that every day. Godzilla, that's huge. Yes, Godzilla, big. CDs, laptops, Mario. Oh, my God. Batteries, eyedrop funnels, novels, selfie sticks. Robotics. I mean, Japanese are big, dude. Huge. Emoji. The QR code.

It truly is. The jet ski. She's on your show. Oh, yeah. Instant noodles. Calculators. Oh, my God. Dude, based on this, they're number one, dude. You think? Yeah. Based on this, they're number one. That's a lot. Happy faces. Happy faces. Hello Kitty. Yeah, yeah. That's a lot, dude. They, they, Glory Holes. Glory Holes is Japanese. Yeah, yeah. Bullet Trains. Wow. Big. Walkman. VHS. Yeah, the novel.

It's insane. It's insane. You would think the English. I think, yeah, but it's them. And they're great because they're such a small island nation. They're very, my grandfather said, very difficult to kill. He would shoot them hundreds, they would never die, he said, in the war. Just keep shooting them and shooting them and they'd run around. He said they'd go over there and hit them with paddles. Well, I think what you're basically saying is that

they're just bad shots. - Right, right. - You keep shooting, shooting, but they're just so quick. - Couldn't do it, yeah. - Miss me, miss me, yeah, okay. - Yeah, so they were kind of, and they're fearless. - Yeah, what kind of white are you?

Mostly German. Let's see German. Let me guess. The watch? The inventions are going to get bad. Yes. The oven. It's going to get bad. Oh, you're going to crush the game? Yeah. Oh, you're going to crush the game. Germans are going to get very bad. We used all these things in not great ways. All right. Yeah. Bicycles. We invented bicycles. You invented Fanta. Yes. That's on there? Yeah. Yeah.

Fanta. Wow. Orange soda. Diesel engine. Yeah. Bicycles is huge. Huge. Huge, dude. Airbags. Yeah. Gummy bears to me is huge. That's big. Automobile. Automobile. Come on. Look at that. Wait. I thought Henry Ford did that. Maybe. He just did the assembly line. Who invented the car? I guess the Germans. Maybe Mercedes-Benz. No. Really? Who invented the car? Yeah. I want to know that. We got to get the facts. We invented the Christmas tree as well, by the way.

Benz, Carl Benz. So that's, he invented the car. That's German. That's German. That's Mercedes Benz. That's insane. Carl Benz. Wow. That's insane. Well, good job. Christmas tree is big. What? Christmas tree is a big one. Yeah, Christmas tree. Dude. Yeah. I don't know though. German's big. I don't know if you can claim that. It says it right there. Yeah, I know. So you're the first people to put stuff on a tree. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It is definitely German holiday.

Is Santa German? Yeah. Look, it says it originated in Germany in the 16th century. Let me see. Yeah. Wow. I can't believe you're not coming to my show tonight. Yeah, I just have to do this thing, I think. You know what? I'll tell you why. Okay. I'll tell you why. Let's get off this. I'll tell you why. It's because throughout my whole life, I've been known not to go to these events. Yeah, I'm not good at...

the socializations, the social aspects of show business. I've never been good at it. I've been called aloof. I've been called like he seemed weird. You know what I mean? I'm being real. I mean, that's the things that people say. - We're shocked. - Yeah, people go, "I don't invite him because it's weird." You know what I mean? Why? He just sits in a corner. I don't really talk to him much.

It's also I try too hard sometimes because I got to be cool, right? So it's just like I'm not like I'll interject into a conversation I shouldn't interject. Right. You know, I'll give you an example. Last week we were in Vegas and after my show with Bert, I got invited to Maroon 5. Great. And, you know, we saw Maroon 5 and then backstage Adam wanted to say hi. So I brought my friend John Park, dumbfounded.

And talk about embarrassing. This guy tried so hard. Like Adam brought up Korea and then John just stepped in. Well, yeah, Korea, I'm legit in Korea, he says, right? And eventually I had to go, Adam, I'm sorry. He's trying too hard. And I backed him out. Wow. Right? I go, shut the fuck up, dude. You're embarrassing. You said that to him? Yeah. And then later he got mad. He's like, you embarrassed me. I go, no, you embarrassed yourself.

Okay. But I understand how John was because that's what I'm like sometimes. Are you good at parties? What is he famous for in Korea? Nothing. That's what, no, he was like, I know all the like legit restaurants and. Yeah. Why would Maroon 5 care about that? I,

- Exactly. - Yeah. - Bingo. - Yeah, they're like, "I don't care what the hot restaurant is in Pyongyang." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't care either. - Yeah. - Yeah, either anyone. - Yeah. - Right? But, and I said, "He likes you, John, just back up. - Yeah. - You're trying too hard." And then Adam laughed at that. - Right. - And he thought I was ridiculing him. - Right. - Right, but anyway, but the truth be known is I was a little nervous. - Because of being around him? - Just being around that whole situation because you watch that show, it's like the highest level of production.

Yeah. It's incredible, the sound. The choreography. Okay, it's fine. It's fine.

- Yeah, it's fine. - That's what Germans invented, the fart. - They did? - Yes. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm not good at parties, no. I try to, like today I have a show and then after there's people coming to the show, you know, it's LA, the ages, and I just, I want to run out the back door right after the show. - UTA? - WME. - Oh, WME, okay. - Yeah, yeah. So I want to run because I don't like the social interaction because I can go on stage and do this all day for hours. But when it's the small talk, I don't know how to do it. I don't want to do it. I get very, very, very uncomfortable.

- Yeah, me too. I'm not good at it. - Right. - And yeah, it's unnatural almost. - You were really going to town yesterday on that jalapeno cornbread and the brisket and the mac and cheese. You really- - Why would you? - You really just, no, because he had stomach problems all night. I heard him going to the bathroom all night. Were you- - Did you really?

- Could I be honest with you? I didn't, so I ate a couple of pieces and my stomach has a instinctual alert system, right? - Kareem's invented that. - Yeah, I know we did. Yeah. And it's sort of like a queef out of your butt. You know what I mean? It's not a fart, you know what I mean? But it's a queef out of your butt.

- Yeah. - Yeah. - And my butt did that and I stopped eating it. - Smart. - It's my system going, there's something wrong. - And you didn't eat again for the rest of the night? - No, I did. - Oh, okay. - I had pasta. - Right, so you just completely- - I had a carbonara pasta. - You ignored the system. - I did. - Yeah. - And I had a difficult night. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Sometimes you ignore the system. - Yes. - But when you, did you keep eating? Does your body have an alert system?

Sometimes it didn't with that. Okay. Yeah. I had heartburn. I woke up in the morning. You had heartburn. Okay. Yeah. And then we ate big Italian meal just before we came in. Then I fell asleep on Don's couch. Oh, that's interesting. So let me ask you about your experiences in LA. You don't like it? LA? Yeah. I don't have a problem with LA at all, but I am absolutely... If you said, hey, Chris, your career will get twice as big, you just have to go to...

or you just have to move to LA, I would say I'd rather just stay where I'm at and just be in New York. 'Cause I don't hate LA, it's just my whole family and life and me feeling at peace is all in New York. - Sure, sure. - I like staying in the original 13 colonies. - Okay, okay, that's what it is. - That's enough said and well put. - Yeah. - Yeah, I agree. - Yes, I don't like it. Like for me, if you could tell me I will have a career from, you know,

Vermont to Georgia, the original 13, I would like to do that. Really? I don't like to go too far west. This is way too far. This is, to me, this is the Spanish. This is not our country. Our country, what our founding fathers believed was the 13 colonies. And then Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana Purchase. He bought too much land. Yeah, yeah. That's not what we wanted. That's not what was agreed upon. So I like staying in the original 13. So if we would have stayed with the 13 colonies, what would have happened with the rest of the country, you think? The country,

It would have been like no man's land. No, it would have stayed with Spain and France. Do you know Thomas Jefferson, the actual president of the United States at this time when he bought the Louisiana Purchase, when they sent Lewis and Clark out into that big blue west? Thomas Jefferson, this is why culture and society is wild. Thomas Jefferson, who was the president, the sitting president, a very smart inventor type guy, he...

he believed and they they were not sure if they were going to encounter dinosaurs or not really i swear to god yeah in like ohio and all that they knew they were going to encounter hostile native americans but they they also thought there could be a tyrannosaurus rex out there wow because they didn't have any information all right they were scared you're right of course but so so that that's what they thought that they thought there were dinosaurs and then uh but see the original 13 so from so from uh actually not even vermont wasn't uh

was an original from New Hampshire up to Georgia. That's my zone right there. That's where I like to sell tickets. That's where I like to stay. Yeah. My family has fun there. We feel close. But don't you like the way it's a little bit more space in LA? No. You don't like that? Space gives me anxiety. When you give me space, you give me places for people to hide. Ah. I don't like that. There are places to hide in New York, no? No, but I know them all. Oh.

Oh, you know the little cubby holes. Yeah, I know them all. Oh, I see. Yes, and I think that for me out here, things get a little weird out here. You get a lot of serial killers out here. You get a lot of people just alone with their thoughts out here. Things can move too slow. There's a lot of isolation. We're over here, we're on top of each other. And the moments can be frustrating, but that makes us feel more connected as humans. And I like it more in the original 13. Yeah, because Son of Sam...

Let's talk about the killer. He was from New York. Yeah, so that's one you got me on. No, but that's only one, really. I can't think of any other ones. Yeah, the Boston Strangler. Yeah, yeah, he's a pretty good one. But the Son of Sam got caught quickly, no? Or no? Son of Sam. Yeah. So Son of Sam- He shot people. He shot people. And allegedly, Son of Sam, they pinned it on him, but he didn't do all the murders. It was a cult of people doing the murders. Oh, that's interesting tidbits. Thank you for saying that. T.T. Jerry was in prison with Son of Sam and told us that. Wow. Wow.

But you would have to admit though, the Midwestern and the Northern serial killers are the worst. The worst. Don't you think? The Midwestern and the Northern. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, well, they're really the mid, the, the, the, the, like Milwaukee on Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne, they're doing a movie right now. Ted Bundy, Ed Gein. These are all like West, West,

where expansion is no good. Manifest destiny, I don't like that. I want the original 13, that's all. I think we should go back, if the United States wants any chance, I say we get rid of everything besides those original 13 and people come and move to where? To the East Coast. We have the water there, we have the weather there. - What do you think of Cal exit or Texas exit? - I'm for it. - You're for states getting removed from the,

- Union. - Union. - Yes. - Thank you so much for union and just having their independent own country. - Do it. - You think so? - Do it because to me, it's the East Coast.

- So what you're saying to me is that if Washington, Oregon and California got off and we were on our own country and then you did that with the 13 colonies, that there would be a war between, I think we'd be allies, no? - We would be allies, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, we would be allies. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, because we would be allies. Texas wouldn't be our ally. - Yeah. - I don't want Texas-- - But I feel like our army would be better than your army.

Which army are you in? The Asian army? No, no, no, no. I'm in the California, Oregon, Washington. No, no, no. Because somebody like Don, who's from Georgia, we have the Deep South in the 13 colonies. They're the fighters. Yeah, but we have MS-13. That's true. Yeah, but they're not legal. Yeah.

We still have them. That's true. Yeah, yeah. We still have them. Yeah. Regardless, I'd make them. They'll work for you. I'll make them legal, right? And that's a pretty good barmy. Maybe throw out them first. Look at that. That guy, dude. Oh, yeah. I don't want to fuck with that guy. Yeah, I don't want to fuck with that guy, dude.

Yeah, he has tattoos on his eyeballs. Those guys are bad. They're pretty bad. Yeah. Or good if they're listening. Look at that hand gesture. I can't even do that with my fingers. I know. I have arthritis. Yeah, I couldn't do it. Yeah. But I think, yeah, I think we should think more as Americans, we should think more about just going back to what this was originally intended. I don't think so. It's never going to happen. No. Yeah, yeah. I think it's fine the way it is. I think that we're politically polarized in this country like we've never seen. But I think at the end of the day, we'll be fine.

Here's the thing. What do you think? This is any worse today than it was in the French Revolution when they cut the king and queen's heads off? It's the same shit. Just relax. Everyone needs to just fucking relax. That's what I'm saying. Everyone thinks they're in the worst. Tell that to a World War II veteran that they're living in the worst time in American history. And they're like, what? Yeah. 400,000 soldiers died. Yeah. There's been a lot of points in American history that was worse. Sure. I mean, the Depression was terrible. The Great Depression. The Great One. Right. And that's where jazz came out.

That's it. That's where jazz came out. And that's where, yeah. Can you name me 10 jazz musicians? Nat King Cole. Not necessarily jazz, no. Edgar Allen Poe. Yeah. No. Hold on. Coltrane Johnson. John Coltrane, yeah. I'll give you that one. Okay. You ready for this one? Yeah. B.B. King.

Blues. Medgar Evers. Jazz. Medgar Evers, yes. He didn't play anything, but he did like a jazz. Okay, here we go. Maya Angelou. No, let's move on. No, no, no, hold on. You got nothing right. Ray Charles. No. Ernest Hemingway. Thanks for saying Ray Charles. I want to talk about this. We'll wrap it up with this. Koreans invented Braille.

Thank you. Braille translators. Oh, yes, that's right. Not even. They re-imagined Braille. I saw a documentary on Netflix. It's The Greatest Night in Music. I know what it was called. Oh, yeah, I saw that. You saw We Are the World? We Are the World. And did you see it? I didn't see it. Oh, my God. It's pretty sick. It's incredible. Yeah.

I mean, imagine getting all those guys in one night to stay in one studio. - Insane. - 'Til five in the morning to lay down a track, right? After they went to the AMA awards or whatever. - Yeah, something like that. - Yeah, something like that, right. And the amount of talent in that room, but without Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson, right? - Sure. - Dude, the funniest parts was when Michael Jackson

was with Lionel Richie and they're at like Michael Jackson's house, right? And Lionel Richie's like talking about something and then all of a sudden he hears like a hiss. Oh yeah. Yeah, like, right? He's like, what the fuck is that? And then Michael Jackson goes, oh, there he is. He's been missing for so long. And there's this gigantic boa constrictor. Yeah.

Right. And Lionel Richie's all freaked out. You know what I mean? Just to think that Michael Jackson, he's just like not a normal. No, because you can't be that talented and be normal. One or the other. But when you watch this, though, and you're like, yeah, there he is. He was missing for like two days, I think. And almost ate Lionel Richie. But yeah, but when you think of, when you see that documentary, you go and you see him singing and stuff, you go,

- Wow, he's so, you can just tell how talented he is. - Oh yeah, big time. He was almost like he had autism. - Yeah. - But there are some people in there, I don't know why they were in it. - Like, give me an, I don't wanna hurt anyone's feeling. - Like why was Dan Aykroyd in it?

That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is he doing there? Yeah. But you saw him in it. Huey Lewis. Well, he's a good singer though. Yeah. Huey Lewis is a good singer. Big celebrity. Yeah. But like the one person they couldn't, they almost said no with Cindy Lauper. It's like, I don't know. Yeah. They bitch fucking Ray Charles is going bitch. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. You go. Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. She's yeah. I mean, these, a lot of these people, because there's just a little before my time, I don't even know who they are.

Well, yeah, you do. Was Whitney Houston, was she in it? Yeah. Okay. Mariah Carey? No, she wasn't around then. I mean, look at me right now. Do you know who Kenny Rogers is? Yes. Yes, I do. Give me a song. No One to Hold Him, No One to Fold Him, Fucker. Whoa, that was really fucking good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Give me another one. Give me another one. Dionne Warwick.

She does the... Is her name Diane Warwick or Dionne? Dionne Warwick does the tarot card readings. Exactly. Bob Dylan, you know. He died in the plane crash. No.

You know Bob Dylan. You're being jokey. No, I swear. You don't know who Bob Dylan is? I do know who Bob Dylan is. I've heard the name. I don't know one of his songs. Let It Be. What's one of his songs? Are you being fucking real right now? I'm not even fucking around with that. You're so dumb right now, dude. You're really upsetting the shit out of me. No, no, no. Bob Dylan, I'm sure I know. If you ask me to pick him out of a lineup, I'm sure I know. I think I could guess which one he was. Yeah. But I've heard the name Bob Dylan, but I don't know one of his songs. Okay. Okay.

- But you know who he is, so you're saying- - I've heard of him, but I don't know his song. - You know Stevie Wonder, right? - Stevie Wonder, yeah. "You Are the Sunshine of My Life." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. "You Are the Sunshine of My Life." - "You Are the Sunshine of My Life." "I Just Called to Say I Love You."

And then Lionel Richie was... Anyway, what do you want to promote? Anything? ChristyComedy.com. I got a bunch of stand-up dates up there. Some are selling well, some aren't. I had to cancel my shows in auction this weekend. I'm running into absolute ticket problems in certain markets. Like what ones? Mm.

On this one? This one, we could pick up the pace in Fort Worth, Texas, but that might be, it might have happened already. I think it's going to be good. New Year's Eve in December, Phoenix in December, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona. Stand up live? Stand up live. I love that room. And then New Year's Eve in Miami, improv from December 28th to the 31st. I just, I like doing my random weekends, you know what I mean? But you're still away a lot because you do the movies.

- Yeah, I'm doing that, but I would do different things. You know what I mean? A variety of different things. And then me and Andrew are gonna do Australia and Singapore, but you know- - Australia's the lowest white. - I know, but they're my favorite. And you know how I know they're lower? 'Cause they're the girls that really hit on me a lot on Instagram. - They love you. - They really do. Like the hottest ones go, "When are you coming, baby?" You know what I mean? I don't know if that's an accent. But anyway, thank you so much. Thank you for being a bad friend. - Thank you. - That was great, dude.