Back To The Old School
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Hey, everybody. We're doing a Bad Friends live show. It's called Scary Times USA. Scary Time USA. And how do you watch it? Go to moment.co slash badfriends. It's Thursday, October 24th at 6 p.m. We're going to have exclusive merch available for it. So Bad Friends Scary Time USA. Hey, dude. America.

dude. Yeah, live stream. October 24th at 6 p.m. PST. We're live streaming it. So join us at moment.co slash bad friends. We'll also be hosting an interactive VIP after party after the show and active patron members can join the VIP after party for free. Scary Times USA. Hey, everybody. You guys, you know, I was very highly influenced by Nevermind Nirvana's album, the very first, no, second album. Um,

Bleach was the first one, right? But anyway, I was very highly influenced by this. And I love the album cover. And now you can get one with my little baby body in it. And you don't have to have the shirt if you don't want it. You can get it as a poster. That's just as cool, too. Go to BadFriendsMerch.com. BadFriendsMerch.com. I'm on tour in the fall, gearing up to shoot my hour. I'm going to be in Frank, California, Indianapolis, Charlotte, Waukee, Omaha, Kansas City, Cleveland, St. Louis, Grand Rapids, Detroit, New Orleans.

San Antonio, Chicago, Durham, Atlanta, Charleston, Philly, New York, Phoenix, San Francisco, San Diego, Boston, and Minneapolis. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. andrewsantino.com You two are best. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

- It's probably you two or something. - We're bad friends. - Yip yapping away. - Yip yapping away. - Yip yapping all day. - Yip yapping away. - Yay. - Yes I am, wait, or no I'm not. - No, you are, no, McCone. - Yes, you are. - You are. - All right, let's start the show. - And then, did you know that Delaney has a prison tattoo on her finger? - Delaney, you went to prison? - She has a prison tattoo on her finger. - Let me see. What does it say? - No, it's just, it's a stick and poke.

Stick and poke. Yeah, that's what Bobby calls his sex life. Stick and poke. Because every girl, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

Do you know where that is on a map? It's probably... I'm not making fun of you because I don't know. I assume Winnipeg is more East Canada? I think it's middle. Maybe middle. I have no idea. Yeah. I genuinely don't. Edmonton is middle too. Edmonton's more left. It's Alberta's... Let's zoom out, Carlos.

that's pretty central, kind of, oh, that is dead center. Dead center. Wow, it's right above Minnesota. Oh my God, I'm dreading it. I got to fly all that way. How long is it, you think? Four and a half, four. Oh, okay. Because you got to go up and over, you know? Yeah, but it's also like the- 330? I hate the border crossing thing.

You gotta give them paperwork. And one time I was doing a movie and it was years ago and I had to wait there for hours in like a little lab room. In the Canadian border? In security, I can't even speak to it, I'm so tired. Security room, not a lab room, why am I saying that? Let me tell you something, by the way. Congratulations. I've been watching The Worst Roommate show. Like I said. What?

Are you being real? Yeah. The second season? I'm cruising through it. I love it so much. But the amount of murder. Too much. The woman that filmed her own, that recorded her own death. Wow. Wow. Wow-sies, ow-sies. She turned on a recorder and she's like, what are you going to beat the shit out of me? And he did. She asked him and he did. And then they have it on tape. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. I didn't see the first season.

Oh, really? I only saw the second season. Oh my God, it's so good. I was going to go back to the first season. I do that with movies too. Do you have roommates, Delaney? Yeah, I do. How many? Five. Jesus. Jesus Christ. You have your own room? Wait a minute. Do you live at home? Are you talking about your parents? No.

You have your room. Yeah, because we have a house. Starting junior year, you move off campus. Ooh. Fancy. I moved off campus. Wait a minute. How old are you? 21. You're a senior now? Yeah.

I get my own electrical slot so I can plug in my iPhone. Ooh. Ooh. And my roommate Samuel, she gets the second one underneath it with her iPod. Ooh. Delaney, five people? Yeah. How much is rent with five? Sneak in there. These guys don't need attention. It's like $2,000.

For you? You pay $2,000 to live with five- For other people? Where are you living? Palisades? Are you living in Beverly Hills? No, New Orleans. Wait a minute. You don't live in LA? Only my parents are here. You're from Orange County? No, I'm from the Palisades. What are you getting so angry for, man? I don't know. I don't know. Time out. $2,000 per person.

So it's a $10,000 a month house you're renting? He's like, you can get a nice place for that in New Orleans. Is that right though? So it's 10 grand a month? In New Orleans. So all of you are paying $2,000. Yeah, probably...

You don't even know what everybody pays. Well, because I'm not asking my other roommates. You don't ask each other? That's not a point of... Some of them I don't know that well. Oh, so you live in a home with people you might not know. Yeah. You're perfect for this TV show. Yeah, you're too... I don't think so. She's too fancy for me, I'll tell you. She's going to end up in the news 100%. Remember that girl Delaney we used to work with a couple years ago? Dude. Yeah, the weird one. They found her foot in Florida. Yeah. They found her head in New Orleans. Yeah. They found... Her ankle in...

In Tucson. Tucson, Arizona. Yeah. And they still haven't found her butthole. No. Yeah, yeah. What do they do with it? Yeah. I think they shot it into space. Dude, that's a cool killer, though. No, just hear me out. I'm just saying, right? A killer with a necklace with all these little rings. Don't you think? Little butthole rings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're dry. You know what I mean? What is that? Are those... Is that puka shells? No, man. You know, when you...

Fruit loops. Oh, that's cute. Yeah, you take fruit loops, you put them in the water, then you let it dry in the sun, right? And then it just has this like a rubbery like anal. You know what I'm feeling? It's like a rubbery anal. It kind of smells. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your necklace. You like calamari? I love it. This is calamari. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this, an ear necklace? Yeah, from Vietnam. Oh, my God. An American soldier in South Vietnam possesses the suman...

The stripped bodies of dead vehicles. Oh, my God. So he would kill them and then put them on a necklace? Bro. That's hardcore. Cool as hell. That's cool as hell, Carlos? Dude, imagine I was in the war. Imagine I was in the war, right? And I'm looking at you. I go, hey, man, nice necklace. Thanks. Look.

Oh, this, no. Fuck you! No, no, these are, wait a minute. Fuck you! No, dude. Imagine. What if they didn't kill him, right? They just took his ears. You had two, what if they got both of your ears? You come up to me and you're like, hey, you have something of mine? Wait, I don't really understand. Can you pronounce? You have something of mine. You have something of, oh, what is it? I owe you money? No!

Oh, my bad. That's you. Oh, hello. That's hilarious. That's insane. Cut off someone's ear and then wear it is crazy. That's crazy. But also Vietnam, craziest war. Craziest war in the world, dude.

I mean, look at that. There's so many of them. Apparently it was a trend. Those are the biggest ears I've ever seen either. It's like me. I have huge. Yeah. I have little ears. You know, the Vietnam War though. Ho Chi Minh. What a guy. What a trail. He makes trails so deep. And you know, those, but did you know that Ho Chi Minh, a little fun fact. Give me. Before he was, that's not a fun fact. It's just a fact. Pretty fun to me. Before he was, you know, the guy, right? Yeah.

He was like a baker in France for a year. I'm not kidding. No way. Then he went to New York and then was like, he worked on film, went to a film company, worked on film. Ho Chi Minh was like an artist? No, he was just a world traveler, just going around the world, probably fucking white chicks and stuff, right? Yeah, dude. And he has to do the, can I say that or no?

Okay. And he probably has to do this because he's small. Tiny man. And those are her shoulders. Right. So anyway, Ho Chi Minh was like a world renowned, you know, a worldly man, a cultural worldly man. And they saw what was going on in this country. And he came back.

He was like, that's it. That's it. That's it. I love making croissant. You know what I mean? I love this film we're doing about, you know, this film, butterfly film, the photographer. What would have been if he actually became a director instead of going back home? Oh my God. Like imagine if he made really good film. I'm trying to go see Long Legs tonight. Oh, you like it? Everyone says it's phenomenal. Do you see it?

And scary, right? I have a different opinion. Creepy? I have a different opinion. All right, you don't like it. It is creepy. What? It is creepy. It's very creepy. The tone of the movie is very creepy. I mean, through the whole movie, you know, it gave me hereditary vibes in terms of like they got the tone right. But then there are times where I'm like, that doesn't make any sense. Or what is that? And what's going on? What is going on with the little orb?

You know what I mean? The doll orb? You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't because I'm going to go see it tonight. Yeah, but if I say doll orb, you're not going to know what that is. Well, I see it in my head.

Well, you know what the Lord are well, I'm just obsessed right now with the afterlife because I watched this guy on tik-tok I don't even know if I sent it to you. There's a guy on tik-tok who goes to graveyards He cleans the grave and as he cleans them He has one of those machines that picks up electromagnetic vibes and then it says words through the voice box And I'm not when I stood okay, he'll go he'll go and

It'll go, thank you. And he's like, I'm cleaning your grave, Charlie. How did you die? And it'll go, stab. There's no way. It doesn't. He let the spirit there. Play it. Play it for him. My name's Barry. Sorry, little one. It's hard for me to hear you. Stop.

If I heard that, I would just go to the car. I know. Whoa, dude. You think those are like demons and stuff? There's got to be. I mean, look, people that haven't passed over, right? Isn't that the theory? Yeah. Stop. I already know what it is. There's a little person behind that gray store going, eat water. I mean,

I mean, how do you know that it's the grave thing? I don't understand. There's a machine that does it? So there's a box. There's a spirit box. And spirits can electromagnetically communicate through the box. And it's filled with like thousands and thousands of words. And it electromagnetically picks the word and it comes out. So it'll be like death. Oh, I see. Striking. I see what you're saying. Mom. Right, right. Bob. Yeah. Leap.

Yeah. That's it. We should buy one. A ghost box. And it records. But what if there's some words in there that I'm a spirit and I want to say it and it's not in the fucking box? It gets as close as it can. Like, which ones are you trying to say? Megatron.

Would that be in it? I bet. You know what I mean? Voldemort. It's loaded. Voldemort for sure is in the spirit. I don't think Voldemort's in the spirit. Anal beads. That's in there. Oh, you know, anal beads have to be in it. Yeah. Yeah. Ball and chain. Oh, but can I put... BDSM. BDSM. Yeah. When you put that against a gravestone... Yeah, he just does a thing, and then as he walks through... Let's get one. Let's go to Hollywood Cemetery. Done. And let's experiment with this stuff, man. Absolutely. Absolutely.

We can go to Humphrey Bogart. Who's buried over there? Humphrey Bogart? Isn't Monroe? Isn't Marilyn Monroe? We got to go to Marilyn Monroe's thing. At Forest Lawn. At Forest Lawn. They're all there, right? Like Mae West. All these people are there. Paul Newman, right? There's all those guys. Oh, I love your pizzas, Paul. He'll say, thank you. Will they do that? Yeah. Oh, wow. Paul, you make the best pizza sauce. Yeah. Thank you. Wow. Have you seen my work? No. No.

But I love your pasta sauce. I can't name a movie. Yeah. But wow. And I have to say, out of all the Hollywood male stars from back in the day, he's probably the best looking. Humphrey Bargat or Paul Newman. Yeah, not even close. Bro, he killed it back then. He was so handsome. Dude. So handsome. Dude, if I look like that now, oh,

Oh, I wouldn't even be here right now, dude. But there's two kinds of Hollywood guys. There's a Paul Newman or there's a- Steve McQueen. Steve McQueen. Yeah. So Steve McQueen is our generation's probably like either Charlie Hunnam or-

Or what's his name? Tom Hardy? Yeah. And Paul Newman is like- Austin Butler. Oh, I was going to say Gosling. I think Austin Butler. Austin Butler is hot. No, you're right. You're right, but I think Gosling is hotter. But Gosling's so hot. He's the hottest guy in Hollywood. Delaney, you like that guy? You like Ry Goss? Not really. What? Give me a star that you like. Jake Gyllenhaal is my favorite. Yeah, he's a babe. He's a mega babe. And he's jacked. He's jacked.

I saw him one night at a bar on Fairfax and I didn't realize how big he is. Yeah. Not tall. He's fucking huge. His arms were massive. Yeah. Jilly. You know, here's the joke with me. Hmm. Because I met him one time. I swear to God. So my, you know, my friend, Jean. Yeah. Our best friends. Right. Yeah. And so, um, Jean goes, you can come to the dinner. Like I can come. Cause finally I can come. Where was it? Damien. Oh, right. So I come to the dinner.

And when you're at a dinner like that, everyone's either a showrunner or a huge person. Yeah. So I'm there. You have to read the pockets. Uh-huh. Do you know what I mean? Nowhere to slip in. Exactly. Nowhere to slip in. Yeah, exactly, right? And I didn't slip in anywhere. I found no pockets. No, I was just eating and I would go, what?

You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing. No words to Jilly. I don't think so. He was so funny. And then I got so nervous. I was like, okay, I'll see you guys later. I left. Right? Who is this? Who's this girl? She posted pictures of the day she wanted to wear for her trip to Auschwitz. Let me get this right. This young lady went to Auschwitz and she did like a get ready with me? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'd like to see what she wore. That's what she wore. It looks great. Yeah.

So people on the internet are mad because she said, get ready with me to go to Auschwitz. Is she Jewish? Push pause for a second. She doesn't look Jewish. But the spirits at Auschwitz probably look at her like, look at that fat fuck. Yeah. You know what I mean? Was that a pig? Oink, oink. You know what I mean? The spirits didn't like her. Didn't like her, yeah. No, I bet you they did. She's very pretty. She's a Bachelor contestant and a Redman.

Yeah. I mean, if like... I imagine the spirits see that, they're like, holy... Hot, hot. What? If you had the little machine, they would probably say hot. Yeah, it's like, it's not good. Not today. Hot, hot. If they have that little machine, I can't. It's not even good. Sometimes you don't have to swing. You know what I mean? Sometimes they let the ball pass. They let the ball pass. All right? Let the ball pass a couple times. You know what I mean? Don't go hot, hot. You know what I mean? That's what you did.

Let's try it again. Let's try it again, Dan. So this girl, this girl, she did a get ready with me to go to Auschwitz. And this is her outfit she wore? Yeah, it was just a black dress and sneakers. Now, is that disrespectful? What is the appropriate thing to wear to Auschwitz? I got to say, it's probably that, but probably not. Well, we have a resident Jewish kid here. Nick, what's the appropriate thing to wear to Auschwitz? Understated. Understated.

Solemn, something drab and quiet, not loud. Imagine doing Get Ready With Me to only go to tragic sites. Get Ready With Me to go to Hiroshima. Yeah. Get Ready With Me.

Get ready with me to go to Chernobyl. Today, we're going to be visiting one of the most tragic, weird, fucked up sites you've ever seen. Yeah. Get ready with me. Now, I'm doing a blush that's very like blow you away blush. Get ready with me to go to Ed Gein's house. We're in Wisconsin. We're at the farmhouse, okay? And this is the lamp. See, this lamp is made out of human skin. And I know I'm wearing Gucci right now. Oh, my God. And this kind of looks like skin. I mean, that's, I think, what Prada was trying to say. So that's why we're here. Yeah.

Get ready with me to go to Epstein's Island. What's up? I'm here. It's desolate and quiet. Yeah. Seems like all the kids are asleep.

I mean, how could, it is funny. Look, I'm sure she didn't do it disrespectfully. She just planned to go to Auschwitz for the day, which millions of people do. And she was like, here's what I wear. Is this what she does on the internet? She shows people her day? Yeah, she posted this as a part of her schedule. Auschwitz in the AM. Well, yeah, you gotta go in the morning. You can't go to Auschwitz at night. That's fucking. Bro, if you had a daughter and that's what she was a social media person and you're in the house and you're carving wood, I don't know what men do. Carving wood. Yeah.

I'm just making a canoe. Yeah, you're making a canoe, right? And she's constantly, get ready with me, get ready with me. Oh my God, oh my God, look at this, look at this. Would you snap? No. No, because she's probably- I'm like, shut up! I bet she's making a good living. You wouldn't snap, Nick? Yeah, I would go crazy. That's the funniest part. The best packing hack for going to Auschwitz. No. Make sure you pack food. There is not a snack bar. Yeah, wow.

Visiting tragic locations and doing a get ready with me for them is very funny to me. Rocket money. Hey, do you find any subscriptions, Andrew, you forgot about or anything you paid twice for and didn't realize it? Yeah, the amount of subscriptions I'm subscribed to right now is embarrassing. And thanks to rocket money, they took care of that for me. Most Americans think they're spending around $62 a month on subscriptions.

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So for years, I talked about this IBM commercial. Not IBM, Pepsi commercial. Yeah. And how he goes, here's the light. You know what I mean? Stand in the light. Put your face in the light. And you told it on Rogan. I said on Rogan. The biggest podcast platform. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't really want anybody to know this story. I'll go on Rogan and tell it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Millions and millions of people. Sunday, I'm at the comedy store. I have his name on the list. I'm up at like 845. It's a good spot. Very good spot. Yeah.

And ask anyone that's working there. I've told these guys this. He's not there. I'm literally getting brought up. And he's not there. I'm like, you know how you go. He ain't coming. I come here, right? And as I'm getting called up, somebody at the lot goes, the bay, Michael Bay's in it. It's a whole thing. Like sirens go off. The bay has ascended. Right. So they obviously let him park there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I just yell, I go, "Just don't, you know what I mean? "The back, bring him in the back, set him right." And then I'm literally walking the stage. While I'm on stage, he's walking in with his entourage. - So cool. - Yeah. And you know, you remind your, it was like 80 people. You know how sometimes- - Main room? - No OR. - Okay. - You know the OR is sometimes light on a Sunday. - Yeah, sometimes. - Yeah, yeah. But you know, well, I can't. - You still did good. - I did good. - You did good. - I survived. I survived over it. - You did good. - Thank you, daddy.

I love you. Okay, kiddos. And then what happened? I don't know. I just love you so much. No, I end, and as I'm walking off stage, he gets up to meet me in the back. So then we get in the hallway, and he goes, hey, man. I go, yeah. You know what I mean? I don't even know what I'm saying. But, you know, we worked. I go, yeah, we worked. You know what I mean? Pepsi. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I go, let's go in the back and talk about it.

All right. You drag them to- Drag them to zeroes. Higher ground. You get to be on, that's your territory. Thank you. Vulnerable in the hallway, in the back. In the back. This is my- You regain power. It's my den. Yeah, that's your den. Yeah.

So you sit the bay down. I'm still having fun, Nick. Okay. I sit the bay down and now I'm like, how do I, you know what I mean? I got to figure. So immediately, like a coward, I go, well, you know, sometimes in podcasts, no, I swear to God, I do this. You know, sometimes in podcasts, you know, like I experience a story and then when I say it, it's like, you know, I have to make it entertaining for the people, whatever, whatever, create conflict, you know what I mean? Yeah. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking, what? And I go, yeah. And he

And he goes, no, Mike, you know, just the girl I'm seeing, right, is she said that you mentioned it, but I never heard it. Do you think he had to have heard it? No. Really? No. Because it turned out she is a fan.

- Oh, so she's a Bobby Lee fan. She said, "I think Bobby Lee talked about you in a podcast." - Yes. - Oh, okay. - Right? Then we just start talking for like 45 minutes and it was great. - Hollywood stuff. - He was super nice. I couldn't believe how reachable he was. You know what I mean? Is that the right word? - I mean, reachable for you? - Relatable? - Relatable. - Relatable as well. Yeah, reachable. What the fuck are you talking about?

I mean, you did reach him. I did reach him. And he was like so like super open and nice. And we talked about a variety of things. And did it end well? Yeah, really good. Was it like, hey, let's hang out again? No, he was just kind of like, you know what I mean? I really want to do something with you or something like that. Oh, a little Bay movie, huh? I don't know. Little Bay movie. Things like that are sad. And I just take it, you know what I mean, with whatever it is. Right. You know, chalk it up. Sometimes they forget. But my point is that- You won't forget. It was a positive thing.

and apparently he hung out there all night and like Jason Collins and some comics were like he's still here we're hanging out he's so cool you know what I mean so he watched more shows yeah he stayed there I laughed and he just stayed there all night everyone saying that he was the nicest he's such a nice guy and it was a fun night I want to be like you when I grow up you are

Because guys like the Bay, you actually go golfing with and go to like Oregon and some of these Mensa, like, I don't know, these deep states. These Mensa deep state, like private fucking mansion parties. I'm sure you go in there too. You mean QAnon? Yeah. Yeah, we go to QAnon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's something going on with you. I'm not in the party. I'm adjacent. It's funny the way that he can say this. And the internet will be like, what is going on, man? What parties does he get to go to? None. Do you? I sit at my house all day. He does. He sits around all day. No, I actually do shit all fucking day. He does. I do shit all day. You know what I did today? I washed my car. And it's my favorite thing in the world to hand wash my car. And I went to a little shop.

in Burbank and I bought all my little supplies and it was really nice because the girl didn't know me which is always nice and she spoke to me like a car guy and it was like it I like that like I'm a nobody because I am a nobody but it was nice she didn't like spoke to you like a car guy like you're a pet boy we were talking cars we talked we talked about stuff we like we talk about certain waxes and soaps that we prefer can you improvise that stuff or not even if you don't know

If you don't know what you're talking about? Yeah, I think I can do it. Okay. You try that. Oh, have you ever tried this carnauba wax? Oh, yeah. Well, the carnauba wax.

- Charnuba? - Well, that's what it was originally called. - What did you say? - In 1972, right? Carnuble racks. - No, carnuba. - Yeah, but they used to call it carnubu. - Carnubu? - Yeah, wax. - Like Nobu owned it? - Yeah, exactly. - Carnubu? - Yeah, in 1972. - Eat sushi off of who dove car? - I don't know why you're doing Asian accents, sir. I'm just here at the car manufacturer. - I'm sorry about that. - It's a little odd. - I see you and I think, I don't know. - Yeah, but when you do great. - Sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. You know, I'm going to leave. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. Am I the customer? Yeah, you work there. I work here? Yeah. Holy fuck, I'm fired.

How offensive. I wonder if he did that, they would leave, right? A hundred percent. Unless they're from Japan. Then they'd love it. I don't know, they might not know what was going on. Excuse me, you have a Konoba wax? Yeah, we have it up there, but it's on the top shelf and it's pretty expensive. Oh, are you from Tokyo too? Maybe they would do that. Oh, I remember you. What's three? Three.

Mitsubishi Avenue. I think Banzai Way. Oh, next to the McDonald's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good McDonald's. Yeah, wow. No, I talked car stuff and it just felt nice to be like a human with someone instead of... Can I ask you about the wax?

Yeah, what about it? Who gives a shit? Oh, I love it. I know, but, because I've never had wax on my car. I know, I can tell, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm waxless. You're waxless. And people seem to like it still. Who likes your car? People go, no, it's right, except when they see the other side. It's a piece of shit. It's smashed to shit. I know, I know, you're right. But what does the wax do, my friend?

It protects the paint. It protects the... So it doesn't get skin cancer? What are you talking about? Yeah. SPF 35 is on there. It's in the sun all day, that four-gallon. Oh, yeah, yeah. It protects the paint. It keeps it shiny and fresh and glossy. And more than anything, if you watched Karate Kid, you would learn...

Wax on, wax off. It's more about patience. It's more about life lessons. It's deeper than just getting dirt off a car. It's about connecting to these roots of like, I purchased a thing. I want to take care of it. I want it to look nice. It's work. You sweat. It feels good. You get meticulous. It shows...

it shows a lot of different things in life. So Mr. Miyagi was teaching him. - I love that scene, do you remember? It probably doesn't make any sense, but. - What do you mean it makes perfect sense? - Oh, so he's waxing cars, he's painting fences, and then one day, you know what I mean, Mr. Miyagi does that, and he does this, like if he's painting a fence, that doesn't make any sense. - It taught him patience and timing. - Oh, that's true, okay. - And he had to do his chores. Someone had to do all that shit. - Right, but what a cool scene. - I mean, one of the best movies of all time. - I think so. - Daniel's son.

That's right. Daniel's son. It's a metaphor. Wow. Daniel's son. That was a great movie. Phenomenal. I love that movie. I mean, honestly, I could watch it right now. Can we put it on? No, no. Yeah. Can we throw it on, please? But, okay. I dreamed about going to do crane kicks at the beach standing on one of those old wooden things. I thought about that all the time. Yeah, but here's the thing. There's things that you like. Mm-hmm.

Like you have little things like, you know, you go, you can go to a golf store and look at the little like, you know, the little. What am I looking at? I'll tell you what you're looking at. You look at the little jackets that go over the like little, you know what I mean? This part. The little jackets? Well, you know, like, you know how. Like the one next to the intro? Yeah, right there.

I call those a little jacket. Oh. A little club jacket? Yeah, a little club jacket. This is a little club jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm going to call that from now on. Okay, good. I go, can you get my club jacket, please? And then you probably look at like- You won't believe what that's called. What? Head cover. Oh, head cover. Mm-hmm. I didn't know. No, I know. A little jacket. But it's not something that I'm not interested in. Right. But you have other interests like cars, like that kind of stuff. Yeah. You can walk into like a-

Yeah, I walk into a Pep Boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And look and go, oh, look at the collaborator. This goes really well with the rotation cuffs. Have you seen some of the collaborator? Rotation cuffs. Right. Rotator cuffs. Yeah, and the oil, petroleum oil is very good with these rotation cuffs. Petroleum jelly. You put petroleum jelly all over it. Exxon has the best kind. I don't know what they do. My point is that, and with watches too. Yeah. No, German made or whatever you say. You know what I mean? But it's like, I literally have none of that.

Yeah, we like different things. No, I don't have any interest. I can't go into any store and go, "Oh, look." You know what I mean? Not true. What? Not true. Yeah. Chinese stars. You like- Yeah, this one was in Mandarin. You like clothes. Shoes. You like shoes. Sex shops. Sex stores. I mean, this is all true. You have the same meticulous love. It's just our loves are different.

I think it's different shoes though, no? There's not a... I don't... Oh yeah, I guess you may be right. I'm like that with smells. Fragrances? Have you ever been to my house? Yeah. There's smells all over my fucking house. Yeah, it's a fragrant house. Yeah, yeah, I have... I'm not kidding you. I probably have 450...

colognes of various kinds. Yeah, that's, yeah, that's, that's. And then I also have oils for the little rocks that I have. You know what I mean? So I guess I do have little things. You have little trinkets and you would do, and you would go to a little trinket smell store and you'd want to smell everything. I want to be a man is what I'm saying. I don't have man things. Yeah, you do. Tell me one. You have, um, animals. Cats. You have dogs. Right. Yeah. Well, that's not talking about it. Okay. You're manly though.

You think so? I gyrate good. Show me. Show me. What do you mean? Let me see you gyrate, bud. You can't put that in there, right? Yeah, you can. Your hump skills? So what time are you going to watch Long Legs tonight? I'm going to go see Long Legs tonight. Yeah, you're going to like it. It's pretty cool. But I'm going to go alone. Oh, that's good. Because I want to be scared. Yeah, yeah. And you can't do that when you're with somebody. Yeah, he's probably, I mean, what a career, Nick Cage.

The best. Yeah. Because there was a while where he wasn't, he did all those small movies because Hollywood probably pushed him out. Why did it? Why? He didn't get in trouble or something? No, he did that one, remember the Christian movie was one of the worst movies ever. What was it called? Left Behind. Left Behind. One of the worst movies ever made. I don't remember that. Yeah, he phoned every scene in.

It was one of the worst movies. You've got to watch this movie. There he is on the phone. So bad. Right there. Yeah, he's phoning in. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's literally one scene where he has his captain's hat over his face. You can't even see his face. He's just saying his lines. You know what I mean? He hated it. But they probably paid him a lot. Think about how hard that is. What? Go back to the poster. And you see all those people in it. Like, this could be the break of their lifetime. And he's just like, fuck it. Yeah. Chad Michael Murray, Cassie Thompson, Nikki Whelan, Jordan Sparks. Yeah. Yeah.

I gotta be fair. Love Jordan Sparks. I don't know who those people are. Am I stupid? Chad Michael Murray is famous. I'm stupid. 20 years ago. Jordan Sparks was a pop singer, right? Oh, wow. Oh, I know him. Yeah. Yeah. I know him personally. You do? Yeah. No, seriously. We have lunch on Wednesdays. I know it. We have lunch every Wednesday. That's no way. Yes. Me and CMM. That's what I call him. I didn't know that was his real name. Wow. He's a good guy. No, I never met him, but I bet he's rad.

I mean, think about that. Maybe Chad was like, fuck, this film is going to be awesome. And then the guy that stars in your movie is like, fuck this, and bails. That would bump you, break your soul.

Yeah. I mean, I think they were also going. Oh, they didn't like it either? I don't think so. Oh. Terrible script. You have to watch. It's one of the worst movies ever made. It's about what? He's a pilot and a plane disappears and it's- No, no. This is what it is. It's a Christian. So a Christian production company made it. You got me. So basically the rapture. All right. Right. So like one day, just people just kind of disappear and then the clothes just fall to the ground. Whoa.

And it's like six dudes left going, oh, fuck. Oh, no, we didn't believe in God. What do we do? Right? Party? I know, dude. Number one, I would go to the pharmacist. Yeah. Right? Unless the pharmacist is still alive. No, they're gone. Oh, good. He's in heaven, right? Yeah, he's in heaven. So fuck. I would go, you know, like drugstore cowboy.

That's my one of fantasies. Dilaudid. You know what I mean? I would just go try to find all the shit, right? Get all the... And then you know what I would do? I fantasize about this all the time, dude. I can't wait, right? Then I'm going to go to San Marcos. San Marcos, California. Do you know why? Why? That's where the real doll factory is. Right? So I go to the pharmacist, right? Probably nine pharmacists get all the... I'll relapse. I don't give a fuck. I'll fuck...

I'm so excited. So I'll relapse, right? Then I'm going to get, cars probably still work. Yeah, cars work. Everything works until it stops working. Yeah. But you can't get them fixed. That's right. But you assume that for the next 20 years, you'll be able to find cars. You'll be fine. You just keep getting into cars. Switch cars. Yeah. Go to San Marcos, right? And I would go to, but I don't know how, but they have like pre-built, you know what I mean? I'd get 20 of them.

Don't you think? I think you would just go in and use it when you're done, you'd leave. No, because I don't want to live in San Marcos. I think, where do you want to live? Everyone's gone. I would go back to Malibu or something, like a nice beach property. Okay, then get yourself an 18-wheeler truck and load that bitch up with sex doll toys and bring it up to a house in Malibu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring it to Spielberg's house and pack that thing with real dolls. Yeah, I would love to have sex with a real doll on Dilaudid, right?

with a fucking Amistad poster. That's a fantasy of mine. I'm asking that, right? And you're talking to her, you're like, you know, I directed that movie. Yeah. Jizz all over her face. Yeah. So I have all these fantasies of what I would do. The real doll factory is where you'd go. I'm trying to genuinely think if that happened. And a bookstore probably. A bookstore? Yeah.

Yeah, because I need to be doing something. So I was like, I'm going to read. You're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. You don't read now. What's the difference? I would learn to read. I'd be so bored. You can't just fuck a real doll all day long on the lawn. Try me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eventually you're like, oh, Hemingway. Sun also rises. I don't even know what I would do. I can't even imagine what I would do. So how many people are gone of the population? It's like almost everybody? Yeah.

Only a few people are left? No, half the population is left. Oh, well that's a lot of people still left. I have scenarios in my brain when I go to bed, I think of these things. Imagine if there's only 50 people on planet Earth. You're never going to run into anybody. So what would you do? So you're alone, basically. This is the scenario, yeah. What would you do? The first thing I would do. Yeah. You can't kill yourself. Boring. Boring. Yeah, don't kill yourself. No, well, I'd stay alive. But you're never going to see anybody again, so you're the last person on Earth.

Basically, yeah. You don't know that they're there, the 50, so you're never going to see them. But what if? What if you run into one of them? Yeah, yeah. It's the most annoying guy. Like who would be annoying, you think? To have on earth? Yeah. It's not going to also be because it's like if there's 50 people. Like a teacher from high school that's still around? Right. Right.

And there's probably half of them are women, right? Probably. And then probably seven of them. That'd be great if it was 49 dudes and one chick and you got to go find her. Oh, wow. The hunt.

- No, no, no, no. So what would you do? 50 people, the first thing you do. - First thing I do, boom, everyone's gone. Clothes drop, boom, what do I do? - Well, at first you would go, what's going, all that. What's going on? - Panic. - Panic. - Sheer panic. - So after a week you find out, you know what I mean, that there's no one around, then what do you do? - I go to downtown LA, go to Skid Row, because the bodies are gone but the drugs are still there, right?

Right? You know, they leave all the belongings. Is that where all, I mean, there are other drugs other places. Where are they? CVS. No, no, I'm talking about H. I'm riding the horse. I want heroin. Whoa. So I'm going downtown, kiddo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to a safe needle drop spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm grabbing those needs, jamming them in my arm. And also downtown, there's a Lamborghini dealership, and I'm grabbing one of those things, and I'm on the horse as I'm flying through LA on that stuff, dude. Whoa. And I'm driving right to the sunset. On the 10. Yeah, dude. Just horsed out of my mind. Yeah, yeah.

Whoa, dude. Dude, going as fast as I can, just slamming into shit. And then as soon as I get to the beach where Washington meets the water, right off of the pier into the ocean. No. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah? And then I'm jerking off. Wow. 100%. But here's the horror. What if you can't die?

Oh shit, like Groundhog Day. Yeah, like Groundhog, you can't die. Well then you find a new fun thing to do every single day. Right. I would jump, well a couple of times you want to jump off of something, you want to know what that feels like. Yeah. Also fashion, you can just wear whatever you want. Well I'd be naked, I'm not going to bother with clothes. Not me. Socks and underwear? I'd have like those gigantic green rave pants. Right? With the loops, with the tons of loops. I've always wanted to wear one of those little fucking hats with the little propeller. Right? Right?

You know what I would wear? One of those like, you know, the Eric Griffin masks. Oh, the big nose. The big nose Eric Griffin masks. Right? And I would probably take a tattoo gun and just be... Tattooing yourself. I'll always post Malone on it. Yeah. On the face. Yeah. But what would I put? Just like a bunch of fours. Four, four, just all over my face. Some arbitrary number, right? Yeah. And then all of a sudden they come back. Then I'm going to be like...

I got needles in my arm. Where have you guys been? Insane. My teeth are all gone. Yeah. Wow. It'd be fun to pull out a tooth. That would be fun. Oh, that's the things that could go wrong. I'll tell you what would go wrong. What if you get sick? Oh, yeah. I don't know how chemo works.

Or how to get it. I don't even know if I have, how do you even know you have cancer? I'll go to the scripts. There's no one there. I don't even know. I press a button. I don't know what to do. You just sit in the machines by yourself. Yeah, yeah. You print it out. I can't read this. Yeah. And you leave. That'd be a nightmare. It would be, that's the, you know, and you know what the lesson in life is, guys? We need people. So be nice to each other. That's exactly what the lesson is. We need each other. We don't, we don't want a society that's,

without whether we agree or disagree. We need each other. You know I mean that. Yeah. Here's another fantasy I have at night. Yeah? Because I need fantasies before I go to bed and over the years I just put scenarios in my head and I go, what if this happens? So I'm a big fan of the movie Highlander. Love.

So what if you couldn't die, but you were born from the beginning of time, right? And you had to just live through time. So you're immortal. Yeah. But in my head, it's like if I looked five foot two in Asian, I could only hang out in Korea until like 1960. Right.

In my mind, I think that. Right? Because there's no way, there's no part of history where I'd be completely accepted. You know what I mean? Well, yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean?

What do you mean, what do I mean? What place would you be accepted for? Korea, China. I'd probably learn all the languages. Asian and Asian languages. You could pass for Mexican. April? See? All right, maybe. You sold me on it. I probably wouldn't even know how to get there until 1960. If I was you and I wanted to last from the beginning, it'd be the islands. All right. Anywhere on the island. Any island. Any island. They're never going to fuck with you because you look so native to a place surrounded by water.

You look like a guy that looks on a- Thank you so much for saying that. I've always thought that, but thank you for- Am I wrong? Thank you so much. You look like a water boy. Yeah, yeah. But then- Who would I have sex with? What do you mean? Nick, you're not around.

Who would you have sex with on the island? Yeah. Well, people would inhabit it. Natives would inhabit it. Right. Right? Just brown people, like Samoans and stuff. It's a dark, yeah, darker use. A darker use. Darker use. Yeah, yeah. But in my mind, yeah. I wouldn't even see, know what a white person is maybe. What a blessing. But here's the thing. To never see a white. Yeah. But in my mind, I would love to have been at historical places. Oh, okay. Like go to the Jesus's shop.

Did he have a little store? Yeah, like, oh, this nice ornament. Not like really get involved. He would probably know who I was. Like, oh, you're the guy that God made from a long time ago. What if Jesus, you go in his store, and he's real chatty? Yeah, like, I walk in. Ding, ding, ding. Is there like a... Hey, welcome. How are you, brother? Hey, I'm just new in town. You know, I'm from... Where are you from? Palestine. Palestine.

Welcome. Thank you. Yeah. Whoa, there's something different about you. Because at all the other stores, they won't even let me in. Well, let me tell you something about those other people. They don't have a heart like me. Oh, my arm fell off. Oh, hold on. Whoa. You're welcome. Thank you. What's your name? Jesus. Hello, Jesus. Last name? God. Oh, hi. I'm Jesus God. Hi. Hi. What can I help you with today? What are you looking for? Oh, I'm looking for actually a...

A guillotine. Do you make those? We make guillotines. Yeah. Oh, they're called from where I'm from. Oh, they call them guilla? A guillotine? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, guilla. Yeah. Oh, guillotine. Guillotine. I've been saying it wrong for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. Because we get a brochure, a guillotine brochure, and you know. Yeah. It's just spelled guillotine. I got to tell you, they're going to kill me soon. I got to go. They're going to be killing me soon. When? Today. Today.

Oh. Yeah, people I trust a lot. Oh, really? Yeah. Some of my best friends, actually. Oh, because I was running into a guy named Paul. You know him? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good dude. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, good dude. He taught me how to surf last week. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the Dead Sea. Oh, cool. No waves. No waves. And we still surfed. It's unbelievable. Bodyboarding? Bodyboarding, yeah, yeah. Cool. All right, I have a real genuine concern. I need your help. Hold on. Because I want to help you. Please.

Oh, he's got to pray. I love you so much and I'm going to be here as a friend. This is friend talk.

With Bobby Lee. And I'm going to be an open fucking vessel. I'm not going to go for comedy. I'm going to go for real. Okay? So what is your problem, my friend? Are you being serious? When I go momoji, momoji, momoji, right? And I do friend talk, I'm 100% serious. I'm not going to go for comedy. I need your help. Go ahead. I forgot my iCloud password, and I don't know how to reset that fucking thing. And it's really been driving me nuts. Okay.

No, what is my, I really have a concern and I'm being serious about this. My memory feels like I'm, I'm slipping away. Dude, I'm, bro, I swear to fucking God, dude. The other night I thought I was losing my memory. I've like started to forget things way more often. Me too, me too. And here's another thing, dude. The other day I was laying in bed and I was like,

Trying to think of Arsenal players that I'm a big fan of and I couldn't remember like four or five of them What's going on with us? No, I'm being real me too. I'm not making it up. So there's something in the water There's something going on where I'm like forgetting thing or sometimes I'll please play stardew valley And I'm like like like if I have to pick turnips or not turnips. Um, what is what was it? Oh, yeah, it was melons. I go. I think you just forgot that I forgot that I know

I know. And I was like running because I had to pick melons, right? Because I had to make pancake. Oh, pancake. Yeah, because it was a pancake. No, pink cake. Pink cake. Oh, pink cake. No, I didn't say it like that. Okay. All right. Right. And I'm like, because it was fucking Haley's birthday, right? No, Penny's birthday. I forgot that. See? Right. And then I was running and I was like, what am I running toward? Oh. Like, I didn't know what I was running toward. Like, what was I doing?

And I had to think for a while. I go, "Oh yeah, melon, melon." But when you're running for melons and you forget it, that's a danger, dude. - I've been running for melons my whole life. - Dude. So what is going on with you? Tell me what you forgot. - I'm doing little things now that I used to never do. My memory's usually, I'm usually very sharp. And I've always said I have no long-term memory. It's crazy. It's gone. But the short term used to be so good,

But I'm doing things I used to never do that would bother me. Like what? I'll put a thing somewhere, forget where I put it. And I never do that. I lost a car key. Dude. I lost a car key. Hello. What is going on? The other day I was like, where's my car key? And I'm being real. Where is it? I lost a car key. It was in my hand. In your hand. The woman at the dealership goes, well, you got the car home because I have the second key. And she goes, so it's somewhere in your house.

You don't know. I can't. I cannot tell you. Yeah. And I'm telling you this. Without Find My, I would have no fucking devices. Oh, my God. Thank God for Find My. Dude, without Find My, no devices. Isn't that a cousin of yours? Find My? Yeah. That's what I meant. My cousin runs around.

Where's my phone? I find it. And he just runs around, dude. I'm forgetting stuff, dude. I'm getting a little worried. I'm not going to lie. Dude, I swear on my life right now, dude. It's scaring me. I'm literally going through the same thing. It's been in the last couple of weeks. I go, am I losing my mind? In fact, a couple of times, didn't I tell you guys on this podcast where I go, am I...

forgetting things? Do I seem like I'm losing? Do you remember I said that? But you know what I've learned to humble us out? Stress and anxiety can make you feel like you're not remembering stuff, but it's because your brain is overwhelmed. There's too, you know what it is? There's too many things clogging up the production line. And so nothing can get produced.

You know when a chip bag gets caught? You know, like a chip bag is like, oh, fuck, and it gets caught. And then you boop, boop, another one, and it gets another one in there? That's our brain. What's a chip bag? A chip, a bag of chips. In the vending machine? Yeah.

And all it needs. B9. Sometimes you go B7. Oh, it meant to be B9. But all you need. And now you're getting the fucking, you know what I mean? You need A6. All you need. Drop and knock everything out. Whoa. I never thought about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm taking an A6 in a couple of days. You are. I'm A6ing out to Hawaii. And what are you going to do there? Golf? Don't even golf. Muka la kahiki. You're going to golf there? I'm on Iwana Leia.

- Oh, who you gonna win? Who you gonna win? Who you gonna win? - A good friend of mine, Barbaduke Salamanan. Barbaduke Salamanan was my shaman for many years. - Oh, I knew, you told me about it, I read his book. - Barbaduke Salamanan. - Yeah, yeah. - The one thing I hate is the guy-- - Happy Nights. He wrote Happy Nights. - Happy Nights. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He makes me dock. I don't wanna, he makes me dock with him. - But that's because you're trying to connect energy. - Yeah, woo, woo, woo, woo. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Barbaduke is a strange guy. - Yeah. When you and I dock, yours,

Swallows up mine It does And it's like It's not right It's too The power Your power is too much No you know what it looks like You know those little Attachments on a vacuum Yours is the attachment hose And mine is the one That clips in Oh right right right I suck it in You suck it so hard What does the rest Of the summer hold for us

Greatness. We're going to Montana. Oh, yeah. Well, let's make an announcement. We're going to Montana because Bobby's going up there to shoot a movie or a TV show? A movie. With who? What? Who's in it? Who's in it? Why? Who's in it?

Jim Belushi. Famous. You love him? Yeah, what do you mean? Legend. Yeah, he's the man. Yeah. According to Jim? According to Jim, that guy. And he's got a weed show, right? That's great. And then I'm doing it with Miss Jones. Oh, my mom. Hi, it was downtown in Katie's apartment today. Ready to help her with the move. We'll chat tomorrow. Is that a translator? It's probably like phone translator. I love her so much. When I saw her, I hugged her so deep.

They were happy to see you when they ran into you. I really love them. Let me read you this poem, though, real quick. I am the mayfly metamorphosing. I can't even read it. I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river. And I'm the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time to eat the mayfly. I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond. And I'm also the grass snake who, approaching in silence, feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks. I am the arms merchant selling deadly weapons to Uganda. I am the 12-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate. I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving. Wow.

What are you looking up? What is that? He goes, wow. Oh, I saw something wild. What did you see wild? I was at a coffee shop and the gentleman making the coffee had one, he had two arms but only one hand. Wait, wait, let me stop. You know me. I need visual vision. He had two arms. So two arms and what? One hand. One hand was missing. They're good. Yeah. Okay, the hand's missing. Okay.

And I didn't notice it until he handed me my coffee. With obviously the nub hand. Yeah, but the nub was inside my coffee. And he moved it like that. Yeah. Got all over the place. No, I assume it was the one with the grip. No, like a chess piece. He went, your move. All right. Your move. Oh, it's like a rook. He was rooked upon. Rooked upon. Yeah, rooked upon. Latte rooked upon. I see. No, but he had one hand. And honestly, I'm not mocking him at all. He was...

Unbelievably fast doing the orders taking a thing but I didn't about it about it about it about it about it and it was So quick and I thought how is it no fingers? I mean he I mean look yeah. Yeah move things around like like I mean Listen, there's a coffee cup right here, right?

If it spills, most of the time it's going to spill. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Most of the time it's going to spill. And maybe the nub is more sensitive. You know the coffee sleeve you put on the outside of a cup? He had that on his nub. Yeah. Here's what I don't like. Here's what I don't like. That's very funny. You know what I don't like? When they have a nub but only two fingers. Oh, get those right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like, you know.

Just commit to one. You know what I would do every time? If I did have a nub, every time, like this, like that rock. If I had a nub, I'd be like, yo, throw me that rock. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, toss to me. Ah, fuck. I would do it with the nub hand. I'd try to go for it with the nub hand. And people would laugh. Yeah, because it's a good bit. Right. Like, dude, you know, you got to give yourself a little bit. Right, right, right. Like, I don't think he said anything about it, but if I'm him, you know what I mean? No, I don't. I would make a joke about it.

Yeah, dude. You know, you'd have to say something. Yeah, yeah. It's like, what kind of milk? What kind of milk do you want? What? Oat milk. Okay. Yeah. Do you want anything inside of it? Vanilla? Here's what I don't want inside of it. What? Your nub. I think it'll taste funny. Excuse me? Yeah, I just don't want nub in my coffee. You're rubbing my nub the wrong way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now rub it for good luck for real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

You'd have to pound everyone. You'd have to... Oh, you know what? It'd be cool if you had the one hand missing and you saw another guy with one hand. You'd probably from across the restaurant go... And they go... Right? Like, we're late. Yeah. Yeah. Now, by the way, did I over-tip the guy with the nub? Yes, you did. Under-tip. He need half as much. Right. Yeah. No, I over-tipped him. I put 20 bucks. You always do. I put 20 bucks in the thing. Yeah. But he's not... It's not like...

You know what I mean? No, I don't. I'm a sucker. I felt bad, but it's like I shouldn't feel bad. I'm a sucker for burn victims. We see them all the time. Burn victims, you see them a lot? Yeah. When was the last time you saw a burn victim? Pahrump. Pahrump, Nevada. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where they keep them. Yeah, yeah. I saw one burn victim in Pahrump. You go to Pahrump. Yeah, yeah. You know what I almost did yesterday? Here you go. On the way to the store, I almost went to Carney's, and it's been years since I've had a hot dog at Carney's.

Love it that place. I know I should go. I don't know. When's the last time you had a hot dog? Yeah. When's the last time you had a hot dog?

- Three days ago from dog house. - You eat hot dogs that often? - I love hot, dude, let me say something about hot dogs. - Wait, what? You eat hot dogs more than I do? - That's why I always purposely go to Chicago airport. - For the hot dogs? - Because I need a Chicago dog. - Me too, but it's a very special occasion. You're eating a midweek. You're eating like a hot dog on a Wednesday? - Yeah. - That's insane to me. - Dude, I love them hot dogs. And I've been really getting into Smashburgers as of late, but I love dog house, that's nice.

But always something bad happens at dog house. You know why? Why? Why? Because dog house is where I found out that my dad was dying. Are you serious? Yeah. And you still go back? Yeah, I was in the Burbank dog house. I remember sitting there. I didn't even eat my meal. You left the dog. Yeah, I left two dogs. Two dogs. And tater tots. I got it. Yeah, yeah. And I'm, puppy. And I go, yeah, daddy. And I go, oh, fuck. Every time I go to a dog house, something bad kind of happens ever since then. You think about your dad. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. That's so sad.

Yeah, it's very sad. We should go. Make it a happy... We should go to Dog House and do something for your dad. You want to do that? I would love to do that. Why have his ashes? Maybe sprinkle some on there? On a dog? Yeah, yeah. I usually just do mustard, but I can...

Yeah. Bring in the spirit radio. See if he's there. We should bring the spirit radio to the dog house. See if we can contact your father through dog, through hot dog. Yeah, please. Did your dad like hot dogs? Hated them. That's why. Fucking hated them. Yeah. Maybe he hated them. Right. You know, I was on, um, this lady goes, I saw the Rolling Stones last weekend and they were great. And she showed me a video. What the fuck? How?

The Stones? Yeah. How are they still doing it? Yeah. Mick Jagger's just going out. I mean, how's he doing it? He's probably in the best shape ever. He's 80. But it's amazing Keith Richards is alive because he smoked, what, a pack of Marlboros every day for like 30 years or whatever? Yeah. And he's still up there. It's proof that it's all bullshit. It's an accident. Delaney's young. She might die tomorrow. Right. Who knows? You could live to be 96 years old.

I know. Chances are actually higher that you'll outlive. In fact, I read a study that says some people that exercise too regularly have a higher risk of dying because stress that exercise puts on your body. It does. Exercise has stress. There's stress related things that goes to your heart. Yeah. Like my organs don't move much. They don't need to move. Yeah. Maybe they're being preserved in my body. Yeah. You're pickling yourself. Yeah. I'm pickling my own body. That's great. Heavy stress from people who usually live

Look, working out's obviously good for you. But people who live a lifestyle that work out often tends to be the same kind of personality traits of people that lose sleep because they're overworking. Some people die

- Never. Well, if you drink too much. - Yeah! - There was one girl that did it one time. - That's the woman I'm talking about. - What's that? The girl that died from drinking, what did she drink? Like eight gallons of water? No, there was a college kid who took Molly and he got scared. He kept drinking water and died. - That's how you die on Molly. You think you're dehydrated. - Indiana woman dies from drinking too much water. - I wonder what the first sign is.

A dizziness. They say dizziness and you start to get headache, real bad headache. And then you drink more water thinking that'll help your headache. Interesting. That is crazy, man. It's like when somebody's on a reality show alone or naked and afraid. Yeah. They can't eat right away. No. Like, I'm going to get a fucking Philly cheese. That would kill you. Well, they throw up usually. Your stomach is shrunk by that point. You could die maybe even. What's the first thing you would eat? Peanut. Peanut.

A peanut? Like if I'm on a show alone, I go, okay, give me a peanut first because I don't want to die. I don't want to overwhelm my system. One peanut? Shifts in electrolyte levels can cause serious complications including seizures, heart failure, and comas. If you just got off the show, you and I did Naked and Afraid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right? Yeah. We're done.

They're like anywhere you want to go, anything you want to eat. You don't go to right to fucking Barcelona and go to a restaurant. No, you have to go to a camp. They have doctors and stuff that observe your body. I know I'm saying the first meal you have when you get home. But this is right when I'm off the show or when I go home. Pretend that it is for the sake of. Are we going home together? You and I? Yeah. We're going out to eat together. Okay. So we would probably go to what restaurant would we go to? Mastro's.

I would want steak, potatoes, vegetables, salad. I'd want a fucking little- Bone marrow. I would slurp up some bone marrow. And that bacon, that crack bacon. I want crack bacon. Crack bacon, yeah, yeah. Sugar crack bacon, baby. And then I would get fucking- Seafood tower.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what we get? Caviar. With creme fraiche. Right on your nipples. I'll lick them off. You really? Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't even have to be creme fraiche for me. It could be your... My creme fraiche? Yeah, yeah. My creme. Dude, I would literally probably do that if I was starving. You're hungry enough. Yeah, yeah. If I had some, like, caviar... But I'd make you watch me cook, you know? What do you mean? I'd stand right there while I'm cooking. Yeah, yeah. Okay, anyway. If you're going to eat the chef's meals.

and the chef's got a taste you know he has to spoon his own that's enough I don't think bread would be good would it oh my god yeah like a whole sourdough bread dude we went out to dinner a couple nights ago I ate a whole you know when they bring out the bread basket I ate the whole thing to myself I love fucking housed it housed it yeah my wife was like what are you doing yeah I was like we didn't eat lunch I'm hungry there's sticks in there

You like when they do that? I'll eat the sticks. I don't like the sticks. You don't like the bread sticks? I like the warm, like, bready bread. You like the pretzel bread. That's what you like. How do you know that? That's my favorite. How do you know that about me? Because we eat together. That's right. I love the pretzel bread. Yeah. I love pretzel buns on, like, hot dogs. You know who has it? I don't care what you say. Wienerschnitzel. Yeah, I know you like that. Chicago dog with a pretzel bun? That's it, dude. Wienerschnitz. I'll tell you my glorious day of eating.

A perfect day of eating for breakfast. Like we said, baked beans. Pussy. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Of course, pussy. Yeah, yeah. Baked beans. That's my second breakfast. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your perfect breakfast is baked beans. Spam, rice, egg, and kimchi. Done. Lunch, Chicago dog with a pretzel bun, tater tots with some sort of spicy dip. Oh, yeah. Spicy mayo. Yeah. Dinner. Dinner.

Now here we go. Here we go. I don't know. That's what I mean. I don't know. There's so many options. Too many. Yeah. The Chicago Cubs have invited me to throw out the first pitch and sing the seventh inning stretch in Chicago. No. September 6th against the New York Yankees. Wow.

Yeah. Congratulations, dude. I would love for you to be there. I can't. Okay. That's fine. I will not be there. Fine. I'm going to watch you pitch. Are you out of your mind? You'll come out with me. No, I'm not going out there, dude. Come on. They're not going to know me. You'll be the catcher. I'll be the pitcher, just like in real life. Gay sex joke. Congratulations. That's a huge thing, dude. I can't wait, man. They reached out and they said they would love for me to do it. So I'm going to throw out the first pitch. So you and I, here's what I want to do. I need to warm up.

Will you do? I'll do it. Will you warm me up? I'll warm you up, dude. Okay, so. Congratulations, though. You want to watch me warm up on Patreon, you got to watch me and Bobby are going to go. In honor of Brody Stevens, we'll go to a cage in, what is it? Huh? Sepulveda? We'll go to one of those cages up north in the valley somewhere where he used to throw. Congratulations. It's a huge thing. Yes! Santino! Yeah, I'm going to get to throw out the first pitch and sit in the seventh inning stretch, which I can't wait. It's funny how you don't think your friend is big, but they are.

- You don't think I was out there? - That's so mean. - No, you know, no, I mean, you don't look at me like, I'm just your friend Bob. You don't think of like, what, you know. - I don't think of you like a famous guy? I do. - Yeah, same to you. Same to you too. But you know, it takes you out of, it's just weird.

When you see like, I'll see like, you know, Nikki Glaser on something. I go, oh shit. Yeah. Well, she's on everything. Yeah. Or any of your friends. Or you watch a movie and go, oh fuck. That guy's in the movie. Oh yeah. That's my friend. He's in a movie. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for being bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.

I'm tired, guys. Heads up. I mean, it's... He ran around all fucking day. The guy had shit to do all fucking day. I did. He had to go to a fucking meeting, go to a podcast. He had to go return a motorcycle. He had to go meet someone at his old house. He had to meet someone at his new house. Then he had to run back across town and do errands.

And then on top of that, he had to take a couple of meeting phone calls about writing projects he's involved in. Dude, the guy's been working all fucking day. Andrew was very busy too, guys. You know? All day. You got to wake up, hang out with his fucking Hollywood friends at the golf studio, playing golf, do a couple of tees. Everything I named I did today. Eight or nine tees.

Everything I named, I did today. I did the same thing too. You didn't do shit. You woke up and you didn't do shit. No, I didn't. Fuck you. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I'm tired. Suck my fucking dick. Shut the fuck up. You don't do shit. Shut the fuck up. Okay? Back to the old days. We're going back to the beginning of Bad Friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You don't do shit. You know what? Sleep all fucking day. I'll tell you this then. You contribute deuce.

Goose egg! Your lips are so dry and blending into your face that I can't even tell that there is lips, okay? Get your shit together. Get some lips. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your cute little bum teeth coming out, dude. You're hitting it hard. What are you, a beaver? You're hitting it hard. You're a beaver, dude. Yeah, dude. You know what I mean? You're hitting it hard today. You want some wood, man?

Make a dam, whatever they do. You know what I mean? This is good. Clog it up, dude. Clog up the river, dude. This is good. You piece of... Hey, what are you wearing, my friend? Oh, yeah? You know what he's wearing? What John Travolta was wearing after the murder at Pulp Fiction, remember? Shut the fuck up. Get your foot together, dude. What's wrong with it? Oh, my God. Your legs, too. Anyway...

It's out of control dude. Don't fuck around dude. You ready to get started? Don't fuck, shut the fuck up. Tell me what to do. See this is when I know when he's not good. Fat fuck. Oh, cause I'm morbidly obese? I put my fucking weight and my height in a fucking app thing and said I was morbidly obese. You're gonna tease me like that?