Andrew's Airplane Emergency
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Thank you, baby. Thank you. We thought you were going to die. I definitely thought I was going to die. I can do the quickest version of the story. No, we want the slow version. Slow burn. Well, first of all, welcome back, Fancy B from España. Yay. Second of all. My agents call me. They go, you're not doing it.

And I go, what? What? The zombie movie. Oh, his movie. And I go, I have to do it. You cannot do it. I've never seen my agents call me and just beg me not to do a movie. Did they read the script? Yeah, they read the script. They saw the no money. Right. Spain. Right. Years. A lot of things layered. Yeah, there's not really a lot of incentive to do it. I read it on the plane, and that's why I had a medical emergency, because I was reading-

- Anyway! - I know, I love you. - So I get a text message. I get a text message from Jesse, our old friend Jetski, right? It says, "Oh my God," I can share the photo, "Oh my God, I'm on a plane and Andrew Santino just overdosed." - Okay, I know. But okay, not just that. - Yeah. - I get a call from TMZ. - They called my agents, yeah. - Right, and TMZ's like, "Is he alive?"

You didn't answer the, did you answer the phone? Oh yeah, yeah. Why are you answering the phone? I go, who's alive? Yeah, who's alive? Your boy. We heard drugs and this and that. I go. It's crazy. No, what? No. Right. It was diarrhea. Yeah.

It was diarrhea, right? Yeah. It was diarrhea. Do you faint into the plane though? Kills people every year. Which kills a lot of people. 55,000 people in first world countries, by the way. 200,000 globally. How does diarrhea kill you? Dehydration. Drink water. No, dude. When I have diarrhea, I drink water while I'm doing diarrhea. I'm going to replenish right then. 1.5 million people died from diarrhea. Holy fuck. In 2019. That's so many.

So here's what really happened. I didn't overdose. And also, we apologized already to the fans of Abu Dhabi. I was advised. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. We couldn't go. So so I was sick in Nashville. Right. Saturday, I didn't feel that good. Saturday late show. OK, no booze, no nothing, nothing. Just eat a meal. Not feeling right. Go to bed. Sunday morning, I wake up back up. Yeah. What's the feeling?

How do I start? What's the beginning of it? No, no. What I'm saying is that I'm not feeling right. I want to be specific because I want to know if I have those symptoms, what to do. Okay. Well, I'll tell you what not to do. Don't get on a flight. All right. Juicy farts. No, it's not farts yet. Okay. So what started as nausea up high, high in my throat, and then fogginess. Oh, my. So on the second show on Saturday night, I felt like...

The set was good, but you know when you're there, but you're like, I'm on autopilot. I was on autopilot. I was just kind of doing the jokes, but I was like, I feel so weird. I go back to the hotel that night. I sit in bed, can't go to sleep, super nauseous. I go to the bathroom, take a shower, come out, real nauseous, achy, strange. Go to sleep. Sunday morning, I wake up to go golfing with Court McCown.

The whole morning, I feel like I'm going to throw up. The whole time, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel woozy and out of it. I'm eating and drinking. You know, I'm having like healthy stuff. Nothing crazy. Then Sunday night, I get back to the hotel. I call Lucy at Nashville Zany's and I said, something's wrong. I don't even know if I could do the shows. Like, I feel awful. Why do you do a Sunday show? I did two Sunday shows. For the fans, baby. Okay. So...

I get, she says, I'll get you an IV. She calls Nate Bargatze's sister, who is an angel, who came through with her friend who does mobile IVs. Are they hot? In between shows, none of your business. Don't say that. That's our friend's sister. Oh, no, just not Nate's. It's Nate's sister. Not the other one. The girl who administered the IV? Yeah.

Okay, just move on. Okay, okay, it's fine. Okay, okay. So then I get the IV in between the shows. It's not working. Like I get a boost of energy for the second show. Can I tell you something? But I feel dog shit. I'm sweating. I'm vibrating. Can I interject something? Yeah. I know it's your story, but I want to interject. Go on. Yeah, it's not funny. What I'm about to say is not going to be funny. No, mine has not been funny. I love it though. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, it's very interesting. Yeah.

I knew someone was wrong because you called me on stage. I did, yeah. And usually when he calls me on stage, it's, what's up? I'm doing a show. This time, he's on stage. There's a crowd behind him. He's like, hey. And so in my mind, I'm like, oh, he's not doing a show. He's calling me off. I was so out of it. He was out. There was something wrong. But I'll tell you why. There was a weird omen in the air.

Oh shit, Damien was there? Damien was there. Oh shit, with the 666 on his phone. Dangling his penis fingers all over the crowd. That's not Damien, that's Casper. Oh, that's Casper. Up in the balcony of Zany's in the middle of my show, a guy passes out.

Medical emergency! Medical emergency! How weird is that? Second show for a show. Second show. Oh no! Medical emergency, they're yelling, and our good buddy, great musician Noah Khan came with his- Never heard of him. Really? One of the biggest musicians right now. You don't know who Noah Khan is? He's fucking massive. Is this Shaka Khan's brother? Yes. It's Shaka's younger brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the man. Oh, I love Noah Khan! He's the fucking man.

Anyway, in the middle of the show, a medical emergency, we stop the show. I think somebody's dying or having a stroke or a heart attack or something bad. We get through that. I feel like I might have a stroke or heart attack. So it's already this weird omen energy. I go back to the hotel that night feeling not good all night long. Poop, poop, poop, poop, puke, poop, puke, puke, poop. Not good. In that order. Poop, poop, poop, poop, puke, poop, puke, poop, poop, poop, poop.

Puke, poop, poop, poop. Yes. Okay, okay. Exactly. Can I ask another question? Please. What is the ratio in terms of puke, diarrhea? It's two to one, poop to puke. Two to one. Diarrhea always wins. It always wins. It always wins. They're like the Manchester City of whatever that is. They always win. Yeah. My puke was arsenal on this one. I'm sorry. So anyway, I go to bed. Sweating.

Sweat through the sheets. Your body fighting it off. Oh buddy, big time. I wake up the next morning and I said, "Get room service, get on the plane and go home." Just go home. I get room service, I eat a bite of a waffle. Right back out. One bite of a waffle, a berry smoothie. I figured I can't eat solids, so I'm just gonna chug a smoothie. I chugged a smoothie. Everywhere. Oh, so your poo was perfect. It went right through. Like on power wash. It was unreal.

I get to the airport. I'm woozy-goozy. People are passing me like, bad friends. And I'm just like, hey, man. I'm out of it. Wow. I sit down. This is an insane story. I sit down on the plane. I know this one. And I look to my left. There's a bag on my seat. It's like from somebody bought stuff from one of the shops. And I go, whose bag is this, man? Is this anybody's bag? Like, I'm tired. Yeah. You know? It's right behind me. It's MGK and Megan Fox. That's right.

I don't even see him. I didn't even see him. I swear to God, I'm so out of it. I literally didn't see the guy. And he goes, yo, you're the comedian? Santino? Yeah. Right away. And I go, what's up? He goes, yo, you're the shit. So now I'm sick. I'm like sick. You touched him? Yeah. I gave him a dab. Right now, MPK. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Megan Fox. Is everything okay?

Yeah. So MGK is behind me. So now I have to turn, you know, when you like talking to someone behind you, you got to like do the, so I'm sitting on the side because I'm, I want to be cool and talk to him, but I can't tell him like, Hey dude, I'm so fucking, I feel so sick right now. So we're just sharing comedy. He's a huge comedy fan, loves you, which is annoying as fuck. Uh, is a fan of the show. Like all, like all of our friends, we were talking about Tim Robinson show. I think you should leave. We're, we're just cracking up.

Sharing stories, it was great. Then finally I turned back around, the flight starts, and in the middle of the flight, I put on my headphones, right? Shout out to Phoenix Stand Up Live gave me the Apple over-the-ear Beats as a gift. Anyway. Selling out all the shows. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Can I stop for a second? Did they give you a gift? Let me ask you something. Did they give you a gift? I sold every show too. Did you get anything?

Did you get a gift? They gave you what? Apple Beats over-the-ear headphones. Okay, after your story, I'm calling the owner of the club. Yeah, do it. And I have a fucking issue. How much are they? 500 bucks? Yeah, yeah. That was a nice gift. They gave you Apple Beats. Yeah. Stand-up live. The one I sold out to? Yeah, same one. Okay, note that. Go ahead. I'm mad. Go ahead. It's good to be back. Yeah, it's good to be back. So then I put on my headphones and I lay down to go to sleep. I miss the flight attendant coming by to see if I wanted to eat or drink.

I'm out, I'm cold, I'm out cold, right? Then my body does this. One of those. And I'm like, I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna fucking throw up. I fucking, dude, I get up so fast, my seatbelt, still on, right back in the seat. Nobody saw, thank God. Was it like when, remember I sat next to you, I had diarrhea? Same thing, same thing, same feeling. Been there, done that. This guy.

Yeah. I get up, I rip the seatbelt off. She can kind of tell something's up the way she looked at me. Megan Fox? No. Megan Fox is paying no attention to my loser ass. They're behind me. Is she hot? Huh?

Is she hot? Pretty. Is Megan Fox hot? Let's move on. Fucking what the fuck are we talking? Already. Stunning. Yeah. Yeah, dude. She could have been covered in shit. In my shit. I still don't like gorgeous. Yeah. I fucking run to the bathroom. I bust in the door and I'm real dizzy because my blood pressure must be super low because I'm sick and I haven't eaten anything. So I close the toilet seat.

and I sit down on it. 'Cause I'm gonna throw up in the sink to the right of me, or to the left of me, you know? 'Cause I can't even stand up, I'm so weak. And then I get really woozy, and then, ooh, you know, you hear the fuckin'-- - Die. - The TV noise. - You passed out. - I fainted. I passed out hard. And I woke up.

I was on the floor of the bathroom at that point, which my nightmare, my nightmare. Yeah. P all, you know, I wake up sitting on the floor of the bathroom to the flight attendant going, sir, sir, sir. And it's kind of like muffled. I can't really hear it. How did they open it? And I hear, no, no, the door was, oh, I'm sorry. I'm skipping a step. When I sat down on the seat, I opened the door.

And I said, can I get a cold towel? And she goes, sir, we're not supposed to get up right now because the seatbelt sign was on. Yeah. And I said, can I get a cold towel around my neck? And then the door was open at that point. I didn't close it.

Thank God. And then you passed out. And then I must have fainted. Were your pants down? No, dude, I was fully clothed. I was going to throw up. I was about to throw up. So then I pulled them down after I woke up and they were giving me medical attention. So I wake up, I'm sitting on the floor of the bathroom and I hear her like shaking me, sir, sir, sir. And then I hear another one going, do we have a doctor? Do we have a doctor on the plane? And I'm kindly coming to, but I can't really come to because I'm

Like I feel myself like mumbling. - That's embarrassing. - Yeah, so embarrassing. And I look down to my right and I have throw up everywhere. I've thrown up all over myself. Like the amount of throw up is hilarious. It's like a fucking, it's like a Nickelodeon show. It was like, ah, ah! - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - They turn on a faucet.

And she's trying to help me. And then this guy shows up who's a doctor. He was a psychiatrist. But he was a doctor. And he's a psychiatrist. But he was a doctor. And he was a psychiatrist. He was a doctor. But he was trying to help me out. And she was talking to me. And they were making me chug apple juice. And they were trying to recount what happened. And then he was like, did you take drugs? Or did somebody drug you? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sick. Something's wrong. I have like a bug. He gives me Narcan.

Narcan for people that are fucking having like an OD. Opioid. Opioid OD. Shoves it up my nose and he's like, breathe. And I was like, I don't know if I'm comfortable with Narcan and then it gets up my fucking schnooze. He just had Narcan on him. They gave him the first aid kit. It has Narcan in an IV bag. Oh, he just had them in his pocket. No. I got eight of them. Yeah. I can spare one. Yeah.

So they goose me with fucking Narcan. He stabs me to give me an IV, but the bag's not working because my positioning's weird. Imagine if you had the stuff. Remember when Batman, the Batman? Yeah. At the end when he was fighting the Riddler and his army, right? And he pulls out that green thing.

Anyway. Adrenaline. Adrenaline. So he Narcans me, hits me with an IV, the IV, my vein fucking severs, so the thing is my arm's all bruised, blood squirting every, blood is all over the place. I'm sitting in piss, I'm sitting in piss and puke. Not my piss, just airplane, toilet, bathroom piss. Oh yeah, it could be good piss. Oh.

I doubt it. You don't know who's pissing this. I doubt it. Okay. Yeah. If it was Megan Fox's. Yeah, if it was Megan Fox. If it was Megan Fox's piss, it would have been fine. Yeah. Yeah. I would have taken some home. Can I get a cup? A to-go cup? So I'm sitting in piss and puke all over me. And then MGK comes walking up. Oh, here we go. This is how cool of a guy this guy is. I'm so embarrassed. I'm sitting there. I'm slunched in a fucking...

In the airport bathroom. Oh my God. In the airplane bathroom. And he goes, yo, Andrew, are you okay? Do you want some apple juice or orange juice? And he's got like both, like he bought it from the store. And I go, I'm literally like, my neck is craned against the, and I go, oh, thanks MGK. Very nice of you, man.

I'm craned against the sink. I'm tucked against the sink. It's so good. And he goes, okay, bro. And then he walks away and the flight attendant's like, do you want your phone? Do you want to call somebody? Because I'm kind of like, they're giving me oxygen because my oxygen level is super low because I passed out. Wow. They take my vitals and she goes, does he know your family? And I go, we just met. She goes, you guys seem like close friends. And I was like, he's just being very nice. We don't-

Well, you know, I'm just kidding. No, so then he comes back like five minutes later. They've got me hooked up to an oxygen tank to level my, to get my levels right. Uh-huh.

And he's got this sweater in his hand. This is his sweater. This is MGK's sweater. He's got it balled up in his hand. And he sees that I'm soiled. And he goes, yo, do you want my sweater? Because I had taken my sweater off because they were like, take your sweater off. We need to be able to take your blood pressure. So I take my sweater off. He could tell I'm in like a shitty old bed, like a night shirt or something. And he goes, do you want my sweater? And I said, no, dude, I'm going to get, I puke and fucking, and he goes, I don't give a fuck.

And he throws it to me and he goes, keep that shit, dude. I don't give a fuck. He's like, get warm. And I almost started crying. I was like, MGK. Like he threw it to a kid at a children's hospital. Thanks, MGK. So he gave me his sweater like a fucking prince. He doesn't even wash that. Why would I wash this? I didn't get anything on it. It smells. Is it bad? Anyway.

No, we washed it when I got home. No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. Well, I didn't. So this was worse than the earthquake concussion in the bathroom. Oh my God. Dude, I'm telling you right now, that was a good one. Pretty close. That was a single good one. So then- That was very, very, very provocative. So I'll finish it. Okay.

I get up out of my, they're like, can you sit in your seat? At this point, I'm fine. Yeah, I can sit in my seat. I'm boozy. I'm texting my fucking wife. I'm like, you need to pick me up. I canceled my car because I was like, I can't ride in a car because I'm still fucked up. I get back in my seat. I turned to MGK and I just go, sorry, man. Thank you. You're a real one. He goes, I'm just glad that you're good. And I was like, thanks. And then I just couldn't look at any, I just didn't want to look at anybody. I was so embarrassed, you know?

And I get off the plane, and then they say, everyone has to stop so the EMTs can come get me. I said, for my own embarrassment, can I just get off the plane? I can walk. I'll meet them in the jet bridge. If you can walk, yeah. I grab my shit. I sprint up the jet bridge. I throw this hoodie over my head and I sit in the corner as far as I can, let the fucking paramedics do my vitals and take care, because they have to check you out when you land.

They're doing the vitals. I'm texting. I'm getting bing, bing, bing, bing, bing text. Are you dead? Did you OD? You're dead? Are you dead? Yeah, people were hitting. Someone texted from the flight, Jesse and Carlos, and said, Santino OD'd on my plane. They were saying I fucking overdosed on the flight. They don't have the information. Then TMZ is calling my agents. You. I pick up. Why? I love them. No. They're my friends. They want to know what's going on.

Of course I get. My wife picks me up. We make it. At 5.30 p.m. We're sitting in rush hour traffic. Holy shit. And I'm shaking in the front seat because I can't hold it in. We get to my fucking front lawn. My hand to God. I held out. The moment I opened the car door...

My neighbor just like, hey, Andrew, clipping his fucking head. I projectile my dog in the window. I'm holding my asshole. Oh, shit. And for the next four days, I know I lost nine pounds. Yeah, I was on the toilet. I'm not in my butt. I've never had this kind of it was water. Every time I sat water.

I had to go to the fucking doctor twice. I know. Because I was like, dude, something's wrong. Bro. And my doctor was like, where'd you come from? Where are you going? I said, Nashville, Abu Dhabi. He goes, no, no.

He's like, you should. Naturally already, you did it already. Yeah, he was like, he's like. He said no to that. No, he. No, you've been there. Okay, okay, okay. Go ahead, go back. He goes, go back in time and change it. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, he was like, no more. He's like, you can't travel, dude. He's like, you cannot be. He's like, you need to take a break. Your body. He's like, even if I give you shit, he's like, you shouldn't be traveling. So it took me four days. I called everyone a million times to say I'm sorry. Took me four days of losing nine pounds, you know. We were so worried. But now I'm a cutesy-pootsy.

Now I'm a little pinup girl. Yeah. Now I'm a little skinny pinup girl. And I finally feel better. You know, you look like Philadelphia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you look, you look, when I just saw you. And that's the last time I'll party with Magic Johnson. You know what, Magic? That's enough. Wow. It was a crazy story. Incredible. So shout out to MGK for the sweater. That was very nice. So we want to apologize to Abu Dhabi. Sorry about that, guys. To who? Guys, sorry about that, guys. Abu Dhabi. Abu Dhabi. And I know you guys are mad.

But there's nothing we can do. There's no way we're going to put our boy in jeopardy. I was not allowed to fucking fly. I mean, what's going on? Did we get something? Yeah. Let's see what we got here. Give it to me. Yeah, this is straight from UAE. Oh, no. Oh, no. Is this real? Yeah. This is bad, Bobby. This is bad.

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Hey, everybody. We're doing a Bad Friends live show. It's called Scary Times USA. Scary Time USA. And how do you watch it? Go to moment.co slash badfriends. It's Thursday, October 24th at 6 p.m. We're going to have exclusive merch available for it. So Bad Friends Scary Time USA. Hey, dude. America, dude.

October 24th at 6pm PST. We're live streaming it. So join us. Moment.co slash bad friends. We'll also be hosting an interactive VIP after party after the show and active patron members can join the VIP after party for free. Scary times USA. We're wanted. Get over life.

I can read it. Who made that? Wanted by the United Arab Emirates. I know you did. Let me read it. Whoa. You have to read this. Wow. This is serious, huh? Wanted by United Arab Emirates. Bobby and Andrew Santino. No call, no show. No call, no show. Being stupid, a medic, and disrespectful behavior. Show your anus to anyone with eyes. Show your anus to anyone with eyes. Cancellation Norfolk, Virginia appears in 2023. Okay.

Don't turn off less successful podcast to focus all your energy on the ones people are actually watching sexual harassment in the workplace. No giving Carlos to the FBI. No giving Fancy B to ICE.

Wow. Wow. Anyway, thank you. Thank you to the fine people of Delta Airlines for being a bad friend and taking care of me. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Shout out Dr. Warren down in Orange County. Hey, Dr. Warren. Thanks. Thanks for your help, Dr. Warren. Thank you. And Delta. Thank you. Shout out Delta. They killed it. Unlike that girl who got mad this past week at Delta. Did you see that thing? But did you? She's like, screw you, Delta. I missed my best friend's wedding. Did you? It's like you missed the flight. Know how you got it?

Did I know how I got this bug? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so through food or through... So I went to the urgent care and I went to my doctor doctor. I went to both because I was that scared. Because dude, on day three, I lost six pounds in one day. Wow. And I went to urgent care because I was concerned. I couldn't think right. I was like, you know, and he was like, is there blood?

are you incoherent or have you passed out again? I said, no, no, no. He goes, good. You don't need to go to the emergency room. But he goes, we'd have to take a stool sample to find out what it really is. But he's like, there's been a lot of these things going around where people are catching these bugs, these flu-like symptomatic bugs, and it rushes through your system. But do you get it by just eating or do you get it by talking to people? How do you get here? He doesn't know. My bad, my bad. I just don't want it. But I took the flu test, the COVID test. I took all those tests. There's nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Wow. Couldn't explain it. But he was like, this is not the first time I've seen this. He's like, I've seen people. This is not this. I've seen people get these stomach things in the last couple of months. I don't even know what it is. He's like, could be something that's new in Nashville that hasn't made it back here yet. He's like, I have no idea. Wow. Yeah, it's crazy. But no, I don't think it's that contagious because no one I was hanging out with.

you know? Yeah. Zach, uh, um, uh, Zach Townsend who opened the shows. Fine. Court McCown. Fine. Court did it too. Yeah. Love those guys. Fine. They're fine. Yeah. So, well, I'll tell you something that I realized. Hmm.

I went to Tony Hinchcliffe's show at the Forum. Yeah, how was that? It was packed. Yeah? It was incredible. Yeah. Thousands, like 10,000, 15,000 people. That's why he canceled on us. He did? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, people on the internet go after him. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Joel at BatchCon.

Hey. Hey, Joel. I'm here with Andrew Santino, your own bad friend. What's going on? Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. I just want to ask you a question. Is that cool? Sure. And if you don't want this on the internet, that's fine. We can cut it out. So Andrew played your club at Stand Up Live. We love the club, by the way. It's one of the best comedy clubs in America. That's right. Okay. And Andrew and I, did we both, I mean, did I make you happy with the shows or...

Oh, no, you're incredible. Yeah, yeah. Both of you were great. We all sold out, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, it's interesting that Andrew got your, what is it? Apple. AirPods. AirPods headphones. Gosh. Okay, go ahead. What did you get? Do you?

Oh, yeah, you got me shoes. Yeah, badass shoes. You fucking spoiled brat. Hang up the phone. Joel, I'm so sorry. Joel, I forgot. Joel, I'm so sorry. I forgot, I forgot. Fuck you. Oh, fuck, I'm so sorry. I love you, Joel. Apologize. Apologize. We'll play next year. Andrew. Yeah. They were golden good shoes. Oh, I know they were good shoes. He's a fucking asshole. He said you didn't get him anything. Joel, have a good day. Bye, dude.

Wait, okay. First of all, you're such a fucking asshole. This is exactly... Oh my God! This feels so right. This feels so right. No, it feels so right. You're right. He bought me these $850 pair of shoes. Fuck you. And I've been wearing them. But I forgot, so I'm like...

I bought these shoes. Such a piece of shit. And now I connected. So anyway. Okay, you happy now? I feel so embarrassed. Okay, so to make it even, you have to let me piss on those shoes and throw them away. You have to let me pee and puke on them. Okay, okay, okay. Did you get FOMO from the Netflix luncheon photo?

It's funny you say that. I almost texted you about it because- I edited myself in. I have a photo of you in it. Yeah, I'm in it. Show me the Netflix luncheon photo. You were invited. No, we weren't. No, we weren't. You were invited to do the show.

This is just for people who did that. No, no, no. That's funny because let me say something, okay? I've been doing my investigation and I've been doing my homework. That is not correct. Why not? There are people there that didn't have anything to do with any shows. Yeah. Case in point. No, case in point. Go to the left. He didn't do anything. Case in point. He probably did. Eric Griffin. I called Eric. I go, hey, bud. I saw the photo. I go, hey, bud.

Well, he brushes Matt Rife's hair at night. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, yeah. I go, hey, bud, did you do any Netflix shows? He goes, no, man. I just went to lunch. No. No, I mean, Pauly's there celebrating next to Jimmy Carr. There's some really good people there. Shang Wang. Dude, dude. Everyone. Here's what.

This year. Yeah, everyone's there. And here's my- And look at that, Kreischer in the pool next to Ted Sarandos. Yeah. No, this is a fun photo. It's a great- I'll tell you why I have FOMO. Yeah, you do. Because everyone in that photo are people that I either know or I completely respect. And it's like, I'm like, you know, one day, maybe I'll go-

Now, how did you feel when you saw it? Be real. Because I've talked to Esther about it. I mean, she's FOMO. Oh, that's, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think you know me well enough to know better. I think everybody in this room knows. I couldn't fucking care less. This means nothing. Why? Who cares? This is so meaningless. It's meaningless to me. This is funny. A zoo in China has been accused of dying dogs black and white to look like pandas.

That's what they do in Mexico. Isn't that brilliant? That's so brilliant. Well, the dogs are all gone. This is the Save the Dogs. This is the Save the Dogs campaign. They got to pull them off the streets, and so they had to put them somewhere. These dogs? The dogs couldn't roam around the streets of China, so they had to put them somewhere. Dog-eating joke.

Got it. I got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A zoo in China has painted. It's so funny to paint. That dog, actually, I would love a panda dog. Dude, those are so cute. I would 100% buy a panda dog. Die that thing permanent. Yeah. What is that? Hell's Angels having homoerotic. All right, anyway. No, this is so interesting. Do you know about this?

There's a bunch of photos that are going on the internet that have been like revived from Hells Angels, LA division, right? Aren't these Los Angeles Hells Angels? West Coast Los Angeles Hells Angels. They would make out with other angels like this. Look at that guy. Yeah, yeah. And they did it.

to, what is it, display of a comfortability in their own masculinity. And if other people got uncomfortable, they would beat the shit out of them and kill them. See, that's why I do it. No, it's not. No, honestly. No, you guys do it because you're gay. No, no, I'm not. I'll do it right now. I'll do it right now to do it. No, see. No, dude, you just hit, that's, I gotta fucking, listen. No, this is because you're gay. No, it's not because I'm gay. Dude, check it out, dude. These guys do it because they want to start a fight. They're looking to fight. So...

At Tony's show, Hinchcliffe show, right? I bet you a lot of this shit was going on at Tony's show. Yeah, I went and gave Hans Kim an award. What was it? To induct him in the Tony Hall of Fame, whatever. So I walked up with the award, and I see- Congratulations.

They had to get you to give it to them? Yeah, yeah. And I see Dr. Phil to my left, Adam, right? Yeah. In front of the big crowd and he stood up and I stood up and we just kissed on the lips. You and Adam? Yeah.

Dr. Phil, sorry. Yeah, Dr. Phil. And there's a sense of like, it seems cool. To whom? To us. Like we're so above it almost. Like this is like, we see past, you know what I mean? How far does it go? That's it. Okay. Right? Then last night- I'm just saying, dude. Last night, I was at the fucking, Josh Adam Meyers at the fucking, his show. Another gay kissy show. Yeah. And-

So I do my set, and then he came out to sing a song with a duet. And then during the song, we just looked at each other, and we kissed twice on the lips. See, I think this is gay shit. It's not gay. It's like, we're artsy. We're above it. But see, people use art as a distraction. What's so funny, dude? No, I relate. Do you understand what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Come here right now. This is some Catholic school. Yeah, come here right now. Yeah, this is repression. This is repression is what this is.

You guys are... It's like this. Yeah, it's for the laughs. Look, he wants more. Get out of here. Get out of here, dude. I just don't get it. Have I done it with you? No. I've kissed you on the lips before. On the cheek. I'll kiss you on the cheek. On the lips. No, yeah, yeah. You've done lips.

For the gag? You've done it to act artsy. You did it live at one of the fucking gigs, right? And you looked at me and you were in one of those Basquiat-y moods.

You're like, I'm Rembrandt, whatever. And you were like, you locked my eyes when we did it. And then you kind of went, yeah, that was cool. That's what they're doing. The rest of the country is right. We are weirdo lunatics. Yeah. West Coast. It's like when David Bowie and fucking Lou Reed and Mick Jagger used to kiss on the lips. Okay. They're not gay. They're fucking artsy, dude. Art is gay. GBGB. Art is gay. Right. We just, you know. Art is gay. Yeah.

The album below, we were in Germany. Iggy and David Bowie, they were in Germany together. We fucked. That looks like- I love it, dude. I wish I was a Hells Angel back then. That looks like me and Raj Sharma. Yeah, you and Moe Amber. Yeah, me and Moe Amber.

And why is Daniel Stern watching over us? Yeah, yeah. It's fucking nuts, dude. Rick Glassman. Rick Glassman's there. But what's wild about this is it would start fights. These guys would, and they'd fight to the death for some of these guys for criticizing the sexuality, which is ironic because they also were homophobic. They would go beat the shit out of any minority, black, gay, Jewish, if they felt so. I mean, but they're two different things.

You're acting as if they're completely two different things. No? Hunter S. Thompson wrote, they can't stand, it says, Terry. It blows their mind every time, especially the tongue bit. The set of photographer invariably whips Hell's Angels into a kissing frenzy. So whenever there's someone taking photos, they start kissing. Tongue? That's what it says. Hunter S. Thompson wrote all about it in Hell's Angels, a great book. Have you done tongue, Carlos? Tongue is not artsy. I've done tongue once, Ozil. With who?

A guy kissed me in the back of an Uber and he stuck his tongue down my throat and I kissed back because I didn't want to be mean. Now you know how girls feel. Exactly. When they put up with some fucking creepo dude. Yeah, I just had to put out so that it wouldn't be awkward. I went on a date with a girl from Los Feliz and at the end of the date, I go in to kiss and she went... The cobra. And I...

You got cobra'd. I got cobra'd? You got cobra'd. I got cobra'd. Whoa, dude. Yeah, and I kissed her cheek.

- Whoa. - You know, when you go in for a kiss, guys, we all have done it. We've all done it, right? - Yeah, but I-- - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - You have? - Yeah, but I mean, I rarely got in Cobra. I think I only know-- - You never got Cobra. - Well, I go in when I know it's appropriate. - Sometimes my instinct's wrong, but I think this is the right time. - Obviously you were wrong. - I was wrong. - Where was it, outside of the restaurant? - No, it was dropping her off at her house. - So you turned in the car. - So I'm like, "I had a great night." She goes, "Yeah, me too. "We should do it again." I go, "Yeah."

Co-brud. Co-brud. What do you then say after she doesn't give you... You make like a little... Oh, have a good night. Oopsie, oopsie. Do you get out and open her door? No. Have you ever opened the door for a girl? It's funny. Last night, I was with a girl at dinner, and then she goes, you're not going to open the door for me, which I've never... Like, I've never...

No one's ever asked. It's like a real white thing. Yeah. Really? Was it a white chick? Yeah. Oh, you got to do it. White people love it. White girls like stuff like that. Yeah, that reminds me of the old days. I want to write it down. So what else do whites like? White girls? What do whites like? Yeah. They like when you hold the door for them in a restaurant. I already got pumpkin spice. Lattes. I have the spray. Yeah, any kind of lattes. I have the spray in my car when I go on a date. So pumpkin spries. They like the door open. Flowers. Any flower. Yeah. You can pick a flower off the fucking side of the road. They love it. They don't care. Platinum cards.

No, they don't care as long as you're paying. Okay, whatever card. Yeah, whatever card. Doesn't matter. You need money though. You gotta have money. You gotta have money. They love a good deal. They love like thrifting. So they love like, they like chic thrifting. So I go to a- Oh my God, you want to get some real good white pussy? Go to a farmer's market.

I went to one with her. That's where all the girls are. Yeah, and we got granola. Oh, they love that shit. They love granola, dude. They love granola. Buy their own honey and shit like that? Yeah. They're really into that coconut yogurt. Yeah. Yeah, white chicks like a lot of bullshit like that. Farmers market, right? What else? Aloe. You know what aloe is? Don't talk to me like that. What is it?

It's workout gear. Okay, aloe work out. It's like... It's like Lululemon. Lululemon, okay, okay. But the aloe is like the new shit. Is it really a workout gear? Aloe, look it up. It's popular as fuck. I see it all the time. Aloe. Aloe, it's like a hip, you know. Yeah. They love Pilates. Go hang out outside of a Pilates class. What a fisting. Huh? Ha ha ha!

Fisting. Fisting. I think you're going to get less than 1%. No, I mean a pound. I mean a pound. Oh, they love that. Yeah. 100%. I had the word wrong. And they love Palm Springs. That's why people love Palm Springs. The location. They just like to go out there. The desert. I don't even know what the fuck they do. They love it there. They just go take a picture in front of that sign that says drugs at that hotel that every girl like. Look at Palm Springs drug sign. Watch this. Look how many fucking white girls are below this thing. Yeah, that fucking dumb sign.

Whatever it is, whatever hotel that is. It was like dolphins. Yeah. I noticed. They love dolphins. They love dolphins. Dude, I dated four girls in my life with dolphin tattoos. Shut the fuck up. Where are they? They're like either in the back or like on the shoulder.

Really? They're just really smart creatures. Right? And they're just like sentient beings. So are pigs. I know, exactly. Get a pig back there because you look like a pig. Anyway. Oh my God. That's too much. That's too much. Get a pig tattoo. I'd actually respect it. Second smartest animal on the planet next to humans. Who says we're the smartest on this fucking planet? I disagree with that. Because I saw that documentary. I don't know. The Cove.

I side with the poachers. I side with the poachers. Yeah, me too. I'm a dolphin, right? I see a bay. It's filled with dolphin blood. Yeah. All right? It's just dolphin eyeballs floating around. Yeah, and he's like, there's a part. Ray, there's a ray.

You know what I mean? If I'm in the alleyway and I see a human hand, I'm not going to walk down the alleyway. Hello? It's not even a bit. I'm not doing... That sounds like a comedy bit I'm doing. I would never do it. It's a good bit. It's a good bit. And it's true. Are they smart? Apparently, they're second to us, but which means nothing because look at how dumb we are. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Because we love self-destruction, huh? We're the number one at destroying... I think otters are smart. Complex problems solving and understanding abstract situations. So they understand... They kiss. They kiss.

But for the art. For the art. Yeah, not because they like it. For the art. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not gay. It's just, you know. It's okay if it's gay. You're gay. It's fine. I love gay. Yeah, I know. I love gay. Not only are they adorable, they're also incredibly intelligent and have unique adaptations. Sea otters are intelligent. See? See, otters, because they can also build shit.

You know why they're so smart? They're ugly. They're fucking hideous looking. Otters are the cutest. What the fuck are you talking about? Sea otters are ugly. They know they got to be smart when they're that fucking ugly. Let me see. Sea otter. Bro, cute as fuck. What are you talking about? I got a good photo. You have a Hitler fucking mustache? That's a good photo. Look at that. Look at, dude. Bro. I want one. I know. Exactly. Those are great. They're great. Look at that. I'll tell you what's funny. We had raccoons in the backyard for so long and raccoons.

They're little assholes, but they're so cute. What? What's going on? Don't you get me started. I have six rat traps set up in my backyard. The biggest ones I can find to try to catch one of these motherfuckers. Right now, in my driveway, guess what's on it? Coons, baby. No. Kung Pao chicken.

Kung Pao chicken? Kung Pao chicken. Oh, okay. I thought you meant like Kung Pao, like you made it. All right. So I went to Cohen. What's his name? Genghis Cohen? Genghis Cohen. Yeah, I love that place. Right. And I got three dishes. Yeah.

Beef and broccoli. Sweet and sour pork. White rice. And I got Kung Pao chicken. So I'm eating. You know what I do. I over order. You take one bite of each and you throw it away. So I'm like, oh fuck. I want to fuck with this Kung Pao chicken. If I put it in the fridge, it'll be there for nine months. At least. So I go, I'm just going to keep it in the box and stick it in the trash bag. Put it in the trash.

Bro. Can't do that. Kung Pao chicken all over my food. Oh, yeah. You did that to yourself. And I won't even clean it. You knew about it. They clean it. No, they ate what they needed and then they're done. And then come back tomorrow night and come clean it. Did they knock over the can or they just open the lid? They somehow climb on top of it. I've seen them open it up. And they can balance like Circus Olatia. Yeah, it's amazing. Right? And they can get the Kung Pao out. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. No, it's incredible. I've seen some of their skills are incredible. Is it illegal to murder one?

No, we looked it up. You can catch them, but you're not supposed to kill them. But if you do kill them, who's going to know? Throw it in the LA River. But they're so cute too. Some of them for sure. Yeah. You can kill it anytime, day or night in any legal manner. Hey. Is that what it says? Yeah. If it's causing property damage, you can kill it. Is eating Kung Pao chicken property damage? Yes. Okay. Then I'm going to kill it. I don't want to kill it. I can't kill it, but... I don't know. I don't know if that's eating... If that's...

It's not like ripping up your lawn or anything. It's not doing anything. Yeah. I know what I'm going to do. Imagine that Bobby has to go to court for killing a raccoon. You can use a lethal body grip trap that will snap its neck, or you can shoot it. Don't attempt to poison it. Why? You wind up with bigger problems on your hands. A CO2 chamber. That sounds like a mafia threat. You're going to try to fucking poison me and the other boys. You're going to end up with a bigger problem than you ever fucking wish. All right. Ming. Ming it.

Ming has been... I bought a brand new couch. Oh my God, please tell me Ming ruined your couch. Not just ruin it. I'm going to have to take her to the hospital. How much was that couch? $15,000. And the cat fucking ruined it. Not just ruin it. She pees and then there's blood in her pee. Why? She's dying? No, I think she has a UTI or something. Just like her papa. And so I put down saran wrap.

On the couch? Yeah. What are you, my grandmother? Yeah. That's so funny. Like, surrounded by, and then not. Just wrap the furniture? I come, in the morning, I see pockets of pee and blood on my new couch. I catch it with the Saran. Why don't you just put her in a room, like. I can't, because she's a free, she's a free. She's a free bird. She's a free bird, dude. And she's half black, half white. She's free. She's like Obama. Yeah.

Which does she identify? Is she white passing or black passing? She's definitely white. She's white passing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Until she needs to use that. She talks like this if she was like a human. Right. Like, hi, I'm Ng. But then around other black cats, does she like- Yeah, she gets into character. What's up, cat? Yeah. Meow, motherfucker. Motherfucker. Yeah, meow, motherfucker. Meow, motherfucker. That could also be its Asian name, Meow. Meow. So here, check this out. I bought-

They delivered it. So I bought this stuff called Nature's Miracle Advanced Platinum No More Marking Potty Trainer for Indoor. What is it? I bought two bottles of it. I don't know what it is. It just drinks it? No, and I'm going to spray it all over my couch. Oh, so ruin the couch more. Yeah, yeah. I don't care. Right, at this point. Because, and you're going to think this is a joke. You're going to think this is a joke. I swear to God, in my mother's life this happened. Yeah. Okay? Yeah.

A week ago, I was with a girl on my new couch. Hooking up. We were making out. Hell yeah. All right? And she rolled-

on not just the pee but she had two poos in there cute right and so when she got up I could see the poo stuck to her fucking t-shirt right and I you know I sort of you know what I mean let's go to the bedroom and I knocked her off with my hand and we went to the fucking how do you say there's poo on you it ruins the vibe yeah it ruins the vibe I think I don't know right and I knocked it off and I still haven't hung out with her since she doesn't know though she doesn't know she does now

I think when I dropped her off, she probably looked at her shirt and goes, why is there... Imagine she was embarrassed. She's like, I went over to that guy's house with poop on my shirt. She didn't know it came from your house. Oh, shit. She could have thought she brought poop. I could have just blamed her like, hey, bitch. Bitch, don't come over to my house with... Watch your fucking shirt. Why do you have cat pee and poo on your back? Fucking shit shirt. Dude, you... I don't think as quick as you do. Spin it, dude. Dude, I have to spin those situations, dude. You have to. Be like, get your shit shirt off my couch. Yeah. It's like I used to... When I was a kid...

Me and my friend Brian Bradley, we used to steal weed from this guy's house. Right? Yeah. After we would steal it, because we knew that this dude went to work, and when he would come back from work, we would go to his house and buy weed from him. Right.

You'd steal it then buy it? Yeah, we'd steal and buy it. And he would go look and he'd freak out like, oh, my weed's gone. You're like, well, we'll pay you for some. Yeah, and we go, let us help you. Because if you're that guy, right, then you don't think that they're other people. No, why would they steal from me? They just bought from me. Yeah. It's actually brilliant. I should do that with the cat pee-poo thing.

You 100% Spin it on him a little Spin it You gotta spin it dude One time I pretended To roll up a joint From this girl's weed At her birthday party When we were in England We went to like A random house party And my buddy Travis Was like rolling up the weed And the British guy was like Here you go Here's our tin Roll up You guys know how to roll up And he gave him Like the whole tin of weed And Travis looked at me And was like Let's get the fuck out of here We took our tin of weed And we walked out

Wow. So mean. Wow. Yeah. And they were looking for you? It was a party. He thought he was like, because he was like, he was like the cool American guy is going to roll up a blunt. What would you do? We went to your party, Carlos. And we stole a tin of weed from you. If you guys literally did. No, just, no, my name is. Marcos. Marcos. Marcos. We're from Spain. And I'm Wilfred. I'm from Sweden. Sweden.

I feel like I'd be legitimately really upset. Oh, what are you going to do about it, pussy? I'm Marcos. I'm from Sweden. Yeah, I need my weed back. I want to be from the same country. Why do we have to be from different countries? Well, you don't know how to do accents. I know, but I want to be... Okay, you're from Sweden. Yeah, yeah. I'm Marcos. I'm Marcos from Sweden. I'm Marcos from Sweden. And I need my weed back because I'm addicted. No, we're not done. No, this is what we walk in. Just let us do this. All right, go.

I'm Marco. No. You are Marco. What? I'm Wilfred, you're Marcos. I'm Marcos from Sweden. Hey man, you got any bud for us to smoke? You have the cockroach for us? No? Yeah, here's a little cockroach, no? Oh, is that called tin of your marijuana? A lot of marijuana, no. Can we take it outside with us? Can we take it? No. Really? No, do it right here. Oh, hold on. Look. Oh. Oh.

Good. Good. You get him to look the other way. Yeah, you have to do that. Right. Look over there. So if you're at home and if you're going to steal weed from somebody, just do the whole look over there. That never works, I don't think. Look over there. Yeah. And then we would have to run. I bet you look over there does work. What is that? Oh, look. What is that? And then you just walk away with the weed casually. We should say what it is. What is that? Ghost? Ghost?

Too slow. What is that? What is that? Is that cracking the foundation of the home? Getting to really start looking for something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your lamp fixture's on fire. Well, no, it'd have to be on fire then for it to be real. Oh, shit. All right. It looks crooked. Do a small meticulous detail. Give me another shot. Yeah, small detail. Yeah.

Is that black mold on your tile? On your skyle tile? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. There's a hole in that grout in the corner. There's a huge hole. I want to create my own, though. Please. Is that grass growing inside your living room? It's not. They take two seconds to look, and then they're like, no. Oh, how about this? I like your rug. Where'd you get that? West Elm. But they're still looking at you. Oh, fuck. I'm not good at it. No. I'm not good at stuff like that. Try to look over there. Look over there.

There we go. Gone. Okay, anyway. Don't steal weed. Don't steal weed. You know what? Steal it. Steal it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, who cares now? You can just go to the store and buy it. There's way too many stores that sell weed, by the way. There was a weed store next to the Home Depot, and I was like, okay. You know what's crazy? What is it for? I know. It's like, really? But the accessibility of mushrooms now.

They're everywhere. Last night at the comedy, they're just laying around, big bags. Well, you know what's so funny? So I get mushrooms every time I go to the comedy store. Yeah. And our friend Carol that hooks us up that we love from New Tropics. And I have a basket of party. I have a party drug basket at my house. So when people come over, I always have weed for people, mushrooms. I've never seen this.

You're not invited. I don't show it to you. Okay. Okay. For very obvious reasons. Yeah. I was just trying to think of when you were so when you were not sober, I definitely didn't want to show it to you. That bums me out. Well, because you would consume at a rate that was probably dangerous. I know. I just thought that maybe we could have a fun night. Yeah. But like together, you just go too far. Yeah. But like if you went too far with me, that could be fun once.

Yeah, I mean, I've been fucked up with you, Carlos. I know. We should just do it. No, we're not going to party. You're sober. I know, I know. No more. I know. I partied with you. No more. We can't reminisce on that. No enticing. Why can't I? Because that's against the fucking rules. We partied together, dude. No more party stuff. I have a basket of drugs at my house, and when the movers came to move us-

The guy was like, hey, I'm so sorry. I can't legally move drugs. No. My wife was like, what are you talking about? He's like, there's a basket in the laundry room that's filled with drugs. No. Yeah, we have it for when people come over for parties. Wow. Because when I have people come over, I'm always like, here, here's drugs if you want them. You know. Wow. It's a courtesy. It's a nice thing. When am I, when am I, it's kind of rude. I know you've been sick, but.

- You haven't invited me over. - No one's come over to my house. I just moved in. I literally just moved in. Am I gonna have a housewarming party? Yeah, you guys got the invite, didn't you? - Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

You didn't get anything? The joke was there. I know, and I was doing a separate part of the joke. It wasn't working. When you do offshoot jokes, it never works. Isn't that interesting how far he's fallen? He's fallen so bad. Your instincts are wrong. It was an offshoot. Whoa, dude. I don't even know if you understood the joke.

I think you just said that. I don't know. I understood it. No, I did. I did. No, no, no. I understood the part. Get your mind together, dude. You can't fool a fooler. You can't fool a fooler. You can't fool a fooler. No, he's right. Damn it. Yeah. By the way, this is stolen valor. You're trying to act like you're a fooler. You're not a fooler, bud. Stolen valor. You're not a fooler. Yeah. Don't fool a fooler. That's a real fucking fool right here. Joan of Arc's valor, dude. This is a grade A fucking fool head. You're not fooling a fool head, pal.

I'm foolish beyond my years. Beyond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like infinity foolishness. Oh my God. Speaking of which, before we go any further. Yeah. Did we watch Terrence Howard on Joe Rogan? No. Everyone in this fucking room has an assignment. You need to go home and watch this entire interview. It's going to blow your fucking mind.

Is Terrence good? Better than good, buddy. Better than good. He goes off? He goes ham-sam. He is like a neuroscientific Cat Williams. Wow. He's gone. He's gone. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah, he's loopy-poopy. Look up one fucking clip of this guy. I can't wait. Remember, they have a thing called zero. They go from one to zero to negative one.

There is no zero to even... Hold on. The guy that got fired from Iron Man. The amount of times I've sat in a garage in high school getting stoned out of my fucking mind and heard this in the background...

And then had to go, I got to get back to my mom's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the amount of times high in a garage in high school. You get an Xbox. That's what I do. But this is seriously, this conversation is happening right now in someone's garage. Yeah. Right now. One guy's going, the baptism was never stood still. And then that's me too high going, I got to go back to my mom's house. I got to go get a Gatorade at the gas station and go back to my mom's house. Or there was one guy going-

Yeah, not paying attention at all. Doesn't know what the fuck he just said, guys. I get it. By the way, this is how wonky this shit is. Go halfway down. Go halfway just in the middle and now listen to where he's at now. Go ahead. I don't need anything else because they didn't want me to go and talk about this and that's why I went out there and said, hey, pull out your calculator. Wow. What the fuck are we talking about? Pull out your calculator. You listened to the whole thing. It's...

It's what I imagine reading the Bible would be like. Wow. It's eating the thickest piece of chocolate cake. It's annoying as fuck. I couldn't stop listening to it. Yeah, yeah. I was like, what in the fuck? The first recorded zero appeared in Mesopotamia around 3 BC. The Mayans invented it independently, circa 4 AD. He would have a twist on this. Okay, I'm going to be real for a second. Can we just, I'm a lay person. Ditto. Excuse me?

I just said ditto, you fucking moron. Okay. That's an agreeance. I'm saying me too. Okay, let's have it.

- Anyway, yeah, touche my friend. - By the way, how far away is this show from that show? - It's the polar opposite. No, I'm a peasant, okay? - Yeah, same. - I'm a lay person and I don't know what the fuck that means. So what does that mean? - What does what mean? - How is zero invented in Mesopotamia? I think zero was something that was just like always a part of-- - Now he's saying zero, they're saying it was publicly recognized as a thing that Mayans used as calculation.

The idea of zero is something that's just a truth, no? Now you're Terrence Howard. Now you're Terrence. What I'm saying is that there's a caveman, right? One caveman had three sticks. Yeah. I don't know what they collected. Rocks? Rocks. And one caveman didn't have any. That's zero. They killed that guy. He had nothing. Oh, you killed the guy with the zero. Zero is dead. Right. If you had nothing, you die. Am I... Okay, I guess...

You're not wrong. No, explain it to me, man. What are they talking about? When they started to recognize zero as a numerical identification of nothing. So there was a point in time that no one really knew that.

There's a point in time when I'm sure it wasn't communicated clearly. Okay. It's like gravity. It existed before people knew what it was. I know, but that's my point. They used to use a blank space. Gravity always existed, though. Look at that. At first, they'd use a blank space to indicate nothing as a value. And when that grew confusing, they began using a pair of angled wedges as a placeholder for blank space. Oh, so the little circle of it. Yeah. The symbol of it. Yeah, the symbol. You mean the zero? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, zero. Physically zero. I'm so sorry.

Maybe I'm like, am I drowning? No. No, honestly, am I drowning? Am I? Tarno. You're trying to figure out zero. No, buddy, it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's, yeah. Okay. It's relatively new. It's only 3,000 years old. Also, God bless the guy for having a new enlightenment. God bless America. Yeah, God bless America. God bless Terrence Howard.

He said he's going to reinvent the periodic table. Wow. He said it's vertical and it's through sound. Colors are sound. Wow. Pretty cool. I hope it all comes true. I Googled when marriage became an institution. It's 4,300 years ago. Yeah, it's been around for a long time. Yeah, but what did they do before? I know what they did. What do you mean? Before marriage, what did they do? There were groups, right? Tribes.

And like two or three alpha male dudes just pretty much fucked everybody. Right. And then guys like me and Carlos and Andreas, not you, McCone. I think you're one of the members. We were just, we were cucks or something. We jerked off in the watching. You definitely, yeah, for sure. You're, yeah. Historically, you and another universe was cucking. You guys were cucking. Fancy wasn't cucking. But then people like us invented a word. You know what that word is? Oh my God. Oh my God.

I get what I'm just saying. That's what happened, I think. Yeah. You need to watch it. I want to watch it. I think it'll help me go to sleep. Yeah, you're not going to retain any information. Yeah, I don't think so. What is this? Evil laugh competition. Oh, shit. I would love to try. You would crush. All right. Let me hear. Now, these guys are all practicing what they're going to do after they shoot up the school. Yeah, yeah.

That one's pretty good. Just pause it. What did he say? This is an American thing? No, there's nerds all over the fucking world. Look at you, you fucking nerd. This is just a different kind of nerd. You're a visual fucking nerd. These are sound dorks.

You like fucking cameras and all sorts of filming. They wouldn't invite you to the party, fuck. Yeah, you wouldn't get invited. You're not even invited to that party, dude. Yeah, because you'd have to bring a symbol. Let's do it. Let's try. You do one first. No, you go first. You wanted to try. Can I just? I've never done it before. Well, let's hear one more. I want to hear the last. Yeah, yeah. I want to see the landscape of it. And they all want to fuck that chick. All these nerds. This is happening at a school? What are they teaching these fucking kids?

All right. All right. Let's hear your evil laugh. I'm trying it. Oh, go ahead. Just practice it. No. That's really good. That was actually really fucking good. You would have won that whole thing. You do. You go. No, no. I want to envision. I'm tied to it. We're knocked out. I'm tied to a tree. I'm in a forest, right? What do they say whenever someone's kidnapped? Their first word out of their mouth is always this. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

You know who I am? No. I'm one of the Hell's Angels. Please don't kiss me. Oh, I'm going to kiss you, baby. Please don't kiss me. I'm going to kiss you so hard. I'm like, hey, I'm like, hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah. Yeah, that's. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Wow, that's good. That's good, right? Yeah, that's like different. That's my little Hell's Angel. Yeah, that's really good. Kissy kissy. Yeah.

All right, I got to get on my bike. That's really good. How funny would it be to see a Hellsanger? Fucking what, bitch? And then kiss a guy in the... And then roll away. Well, if they have the evil laugh, there's other things they could probably do, like climax competition. Yeah, evil climax? How about, not evil, sad climax? Well, that's fucking... I can do that one every time. Okay, do it. Oh, that's good.

I had two. Yeah. The first one, I think it's happening. A little half shot, full shot. But then once it happened, nothing happened. Yeah, yeah. You know what fancy sounds like? What? Honey nuts? Oh, tell me. Arriba. Yeah, yeah. Arriba. Yeah, yeah. What does my cone sound like? I almost gassed in the tank. Oh, no cap. Oh, I gassed inside of your puss. Oh, no cap.

I'm gassed inside your pussy. No cap. On God when he comes. On God. Gen Z coming. Oh shit. On God. Your generation fucking sucks. Fucking sucks dude. You're a bunch of fucking losers. Yeah. Thank you for being a bad friend.