The Most Cursed Moments
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Let us not believe that things will halt as we venture back and explore the destructible vault. It's time for the most cursed moments. I just remembered a dream I had the other night and I want to talk about it because you guys know I have nightmares a lot and this is just a common thing. A lot of people probably know out there, but I went a stint without him for a while there. I think I was just so exhausted every night. I was barely dreaming anyway. Um, but I had this dream where I wasn't,

In the dream first person perspective in my own body, I was watching a video that was recorded of these events that I was in and I could see myself, but it was like I wasn't watching past events. They were occurring real time. Very confusing. So anyway, I was in the video that I was watching, which was just imagine like I'm not even like looking on a tablet. This is full screen in my brain playing, but I'm from the camera's perspective.

And I see myself running around doing something. I don't know. We were in like a house or something recording something. And there was this lady that was recording that I did not know. She was blonde and she had extremely like thick curly hair, looked exactly like ramen noodles, you know, like uncooked ramen noodles, like blah, blah, blah, blah. As hair does more ramen than hair. Uh,

Anyway, so we're running around and then I slip and fall I see myself slip and fall in the video and I smash the back of my head into a table and I am like in pain in a way that I know I'm in pain, but I'm not in pain if that makes sense, but I'm seeing and I'm like guys stop recording, stop recording and this lady just like gets closer and closer with the camera like

And I can see like the back of my head. It's bleeding and the like the skull is cracked open I can see the inside of my head and she's just like still filming and I'm telling her like you got to stop recording like you got to call a hospital or something and then not only does she do that she starts peeling away pieces of the back of my head like the skin flaps ripping them off and I can feel it all by I fucking stop that rips more rips more until my brain is exposed and

reaches in with the camera right here, pulls out what looks like this, like about, I don't know, three inches long, a gray, veiny sack of something. It looks like she literally just took some of my gray matter right out of my brain and

pulled it out. And when she did that, when it was like, it was like, and then snap, I woke up and I've been having this thing where when I wake up from a nightmare, if I look into say a sliver of light through the door, I'll see letters and numbers suddenly go flying by it. Like maximum speed. I want to know if anyone else has that phenomenon.

Like you're fully awake and you know you're awake and you see this? Yeah, I'm awake and I look at the light and there's just letters and numbers flying by and like, like just a whole random assortment. The matrix is breaking, my dude. And usually it was only in a sliver of light. When I woke up from this one and I felt like that thing snapped, my whole ceiling in the darkness was just covered in letters and numbers sprinting by.

This is all true. I'm not bullshitting. I mean, it's not true that there were letters on my ceiling. I hate that a lot. I really dislike that very much. But I don't know what that's about, but I remembered the dream and I remembered it so specifically because at the very end of it, this lady fucking looked dead in the camera and looked right at me. That actually was my dream. And you know what I remembered? I.

I had this exact same dream when I was a kid. I remembered it so specifically because you know that gray veiny sack that I remembered being pulled out of my head? I remembered because I was scared of that as a kid. That's something my mom ate in her

ramen, it's a fish's egg sack. And I remember because I looked up a picture of that and it's so weird because I back traced it to my nightmare as a kid and I'm like, oh fuck, that's what that was of my nightmare when I was a child. It was...

And that's why the lady and I said she had ramen like hair is because literally it's I've never had a dream be so literal of something like from my childhood. It was this weird. If you look up like an edible fish egg sack, you might find this gray one that's been cooked and it looks like what could be brain, but it's it's an egg sack and she would eat that.

in her ramen and that's why I had this dream and I've never had anything so yeah it's awful like it doesn't look very edible I don't know what if I found the right thing but hello hey it looks like brain right it'll in a way it looks like kind of no yeah yeah it's very not pleasant yeah so if uh for everyone listening look it up at your own peril but I I literally had

that dream as a kid, not the exactly the same of looking through a camera, but in a similar way of falling, cracking my head open and having someone pull a piece of my brain out. That's, and I was like, oh, that's what that was. Who's the ramen and the fish egg in it?

Okay. So anyway, yeah, that's a dream I had. When I was very young, like three, four years old, maybe even younger, my grandparents used to like have my cousin and I like take a bath together. And, you know, we were really little, but like I had this image in my mind of like what a female body like looked like just based on being a kid. And when we got to the point in life where we got health class, I remember like learning about, you know, the different anatomies between boys and girls. And

And it dawned on me like, wait, girls have babies. How do they pee while there's a baby in there? And then, you know, through health class, I was like, oh, okay, there's a separate tube for that. So in my brain, that meant there was a separate hole for that, which meant like, I thought, you know, at the, between the, I don't know, I don't know what to call this, below the belly button, I thought there was just

a hole not the vagina but just another hole that girls peed out of like on the front of their body just somewhere south of their belly button like on the front of their bodies there was just a hole sure and even through health class all the diagrams were always like internal images they didn't just show you like the outside of a naked person and so for some reason i continued to believe that

And at some point in life, I did happen to see a naked person and I was concerned. And I asked them what happened to their pee hole. And they were very confused. And...

The mood may or may not have been ruined by my wondering of why they didn't have a pee hole. If you can remember, how exactly did you broach that? How did you phrase that question? And how old were you? You were, I assume, you know, making out and or doing whatever with like a girlfriend or whatever. When was this, Wade? I was a legal adult. Okay. Oh.

I don't remember exactly how the conversation was broached, but I do remember I was just looking and very confused because they looked more like a Barbie doll in the front than I imagined. Because I was like, I thought there'd be some kind of hole of some kind.

Like, you know how on the tip of our penis there's like a hole that you pee out of? And I expected there just to be like on the lower part of their stomach, just a hole. And it was mind-boggling to me. I was like, man, they really concealed that. I was like,

And whenever it was explained to me how it all works, I was very, very embarrassed. And it's embarrassing even telling that story. But I was much, much older than I should have probably been when I learned that. Did that person explain that to you? Or did that just end that entire interaction and then subsequently somebody explained? No, that person explained it to me. Oh, that's very generous. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that they found it, I don't know, cute in a way that I was so fucking stupid.

So, yeah. Imagine being in the mood and all ready to go and all of a sudden you stop to figure out that there's not a separate pee hole. What fascinates me is the hole on the tip of a penis is very small, right? So, how big did you think this hole would be that you would like... How close were you looking? Did you really like... Well, when I realized there was no pee hole, I looked even closer to fucking...

I went on an expedition for the people. Without getting too graphic about it, to that point in your life, had used all manner of toilets, and you had seen that men and women use the same toilets. Did you ever imagine how a woman might have to sit on a toilet given your expectation of how their systems worked? I mean,

thought it was low enough. I thought it was pretty close to the vaginal opening, right? So I figured it was the same idea. I just figured they would pee instead of having like the fire hose like a dude. I figured it just like trickled down the front and just dripped off. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Okay, just to be clear, you do know that what you're describing is not too far off. Let me just make sure. You do know there is a pee hole. It's just not where you thought it was, right? Yes. He said that. I know how it works. I just thought it was more in front. Higher up.

Right. Okay. The naked eye. Because I didn't want this conversation and people listening at home being like, does Wade still not know that there's a B-hole? No, no, no. I know how it works now. Okay, okay. Just checking. Believe me, I know. But I thought that, you know, there was the belly button, the B-hole, and the vagina. Right, yeah. But...

you can simply see all three. Well, I mean, yes. Okay, this is where I'm trying to clarify. There is a belly button, a pee hole, and a vagina. But if you're looking at a person who's straight on, you don't just see like a hole right below their, like a little bit below their belly button for peeing. Okay.

If I pull up a diagram of a vagina, can you tell me where the... Yes, the urethra is a different thing. Yes, the urethra leads to a different hole than... Yes, I know, but it's all contained in one area. It's not a separate hole. It's somewhere else. I feel like part of Wade's problem might just be that he learns really slowly. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Okay, alright.

It could be. Not that you learned this too late in life. It's just that you were continuing to learn it as you continued to age. And at some point that became unacceptable. We are all learners. Lifelong. Yeah, I think I'm doing a bad job explaining this. No, I get it. I get it. But then you keep going a step further being like, that does not there. And I'm like, it is. It is there. It's just not where you... You know, you don't just look below the belly button and just see just a hole. Yeah.

Right. Okay, good. We're all good. God dang it. I thought girls basically had two belly buttons. One was a belly button and one was a pee hole. Right, right. Okay, okay, okay. Man, why don't we put more utility in our belly buttons? I feel like that's an overlooked resource that we could tap into. What utility? I would eat so much healthier if we could just open up our belly buttons and put in other foods. I would eat tacos. What utility would you put in your belly button? I don't know. It's another access point. It could be something, you know?

don't know it's there we might as well use it right how big is your belly button it's not big but it could be more capacious like everything could be enhanced i'm sorry are you getting are you gonna stretch out your belly button with like people do when they gauge their ears progressively larger belly button gauges so you could fit more stuff in there yeah you see this see this my intestines in there or sexual sexual purposes you could have anal vaginal belly old

I want you to tummy fuck me.

Never mind. Forget what I said. No utility. Yeah, no, Mark. I like your idea of tummy fucking. That's a lot. That's good utility. You're right. You're right. That's not my idea. That's not mine. You're right. I'm giving you credit, Mark. I don't want credit for it. Anyone that's had to have a tube put into their throat for breathing that's like a heavy smoker, do you think they've ever used that hole for, you know... Breathing? No. Fucking... Oh! No! I don't like that image at all. Oh!

I'm imagining any individual who has a, I believe those are called stomas. I'm imagining you need to keep that fairly clean and not do sex stuff to it ever because of racism. You're probably supposed to, but that doesn't mean that... Shut up! I thought...

I like that you found this nerve for Mark. Apparently making anything into something you have sex with is just a big thing for Mark. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, it's a big thing for me. I'm sure no one listening at home is like, no, I don't want to hear about that tummy fucking. No, I want to hear about someone's stoma being improperly utilized.

Would your penis start being digested by stomach acid if you did that? What? Oh, my God, Wade. Please stop demonstrating how little you understand things. What? Never mind. God. Maybe you're assuming someone has acid reflux in this situation. I don't know.

I'm not that, like, I'm the kind of person where, like, I could touch my eye. I've worn contacts. I don't know why, but, like, eye surgery and anything cutting or stabbing into an eye is just, like, nah. Have I not shown you the video of my eye surgery? I'm good. I wonder if I'm remembering it wrong, too. Maybe they aren't as forceful as I think, because, like, the patients never have any problem. They're always just like, am I good to go? And it's like, that must look a lot worse than it actually feels. I didn't know you had a video of your eye surgery, Mark. Oh, yeah, I did.

it was just lasik wasn't it yeah it was uh the kind of lasik smile is what it was it's where they do they just do a i i don't have it on my computer right now it's oh no darn it gosh i'll play

I'll play later. Well, yeah. All right. I'll find it. I'll do the phone show. We're busy. I'm got to go then. It's not that bad. It's just Bob saying no. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. No, thank you. Well, too bad. The thing about no thank yous is sometimes you don't get a choice. Sometimes things are forced upon you. Just like this eye surgery. Where is it? LASIK looks very simple. There it is. You guys want to see it?

I don't mind. I mean, I sat in on eye surgeries. I feel like I was pretty clear about where I stand, but okay. There's my eye, right? How's it staying so still? Oh,

I think my head is locked in place. It's numbed, and I'm very still. I'm very still. So the laser is already cut under my eye, and then this is him going in through a tiny flap in the bottom, and what he's doing is like perforated paper. He's detaching it. Oh, good. Just a little scrapey scrapey. Yeah, just a little detach-a-rooney, and then eventually it'll...

Well, I mean, this goes on for like a minute, but it's pretty quick. Like all things considered for like laser eye surgery, it's just you go in, he detaches it carefully and then pulls out the piece that was cut away and then yoinks it all out. Here, I'll get to the yoinking. Oh, yay. I was afraid there wouldn't be any yoinking. Oh, actually, here's a video of the laser actually cutting the pattern into my eye. It's you're going to catch just so that's my eye in the laser.

The gray is like the laser, like going over it and cutting beneath the surface. It's very cool. So it goes. And as I'm looking at this, because obviously it's my eye and I see it, everything is just going gray. So I'm just going blind. Oh, neat. It was very scary. And also it was like, don't look away from the green light. And I thought it'd be a much bigger challenge, but they didn't tell me they vacuum seal your eye to it anyway. So you couldn't move if you wanted to, which I did. Yeah.

Bob is dying over there. I love it. This is exactly what I was hoping we'd talk about. Here we go. Here we go. Here's it yoinking out of my eye. You can say no thank you. Here we go. I said no. Here there is.

Oh no, what's that happening? And yoink. So they pulled that out and then he spreads it out to make sure he got like the full thing. He's spreading it out on your eye. Your eye is not a table. It's so he can look directly comparing to the outer edges of it so he can see the full thing. It's so squishy. Yeah, it is. Where's all your eye goop? You don't have enough eye goop. You need more goop in there. It's not pressurized. You would hate to see a low pressure eyeball. Just a deflating eyeball. Oh, he's just rubbing it.

He's cleaning! He's putting an antibacterial ointment on the top of it. What does he get the wire brush to clean it so it's real clean? God. Who goes into a public bathroom anywhere, but at a restaurant especially where you're presumably about to consume food and does whatever people do to get shit and pee everywhere?

Who does that? I don't know. Like, what does your home bathroom look like? We've all seen those bathrooms, but I don't know. What do you do when you visit your parents or your friends or what? Am I misunderstanding? Are there some people who just really go nuts in the bathroom and it's like an experience for them and it's not their fault? Because I worked at...

the Jimmy John's right across the street from college campus at the University of Cincinnati. And we were open until like 3 a.m. And I always worked close on weekends when we were up until 2. I don't know. I always worked until like 3 or 4 in the morning, Friday, Saturday nights. Because I was one of the few people that worked at our store, because it's a college store, who wasn't like such an unreliable stoner that they would just not show up half the time.

Or otherwise, you know, would show up like drunk or something if they worked on a Friday night because it's college kids and they can't be trusted. Yeah. I would show up to work and do a reasonably good job. I wasn't always the happiest because it was kind of a shitty place to work, but I did my goddamn job. But like, so who, how, how does that happen? Do you think...

Ignoring the motivations, assuming someone's just absolutely drunk out of their mind. How do you do that without getting it all over yourself? Which is the more terrifying part to me. It's a skill. It's an adult skill to learn how to use a bathroom and, you know, keep everything clean. Make sure you wash your hands. Make sure that everything when you're done in the bathroom is nice and tidy. Kids aren't good at that. Well, what if that's a thing? What if they've never been taught?

What if every time that person walks into the bathroom, they're just sweating bullets because they're going to like, all right, trying attempt number 328 and they just shotgun blast poop all over the walls and they're like, okay, that didn't work. Don't eat at Jimmy John's, you dumb piece of shit.

That's my answer to that. No, like, like I get that some people are just so drunk or whatever the high or something. They're just like, this is going to be so funny. I can get them or whatever. But I just, I never saw a person walk out of the bathroom smeared in their own shit. So they clearly know how to keep themselves clean. I don't know, man. That was just like, that still baffles me. How, how does that happen? Why would that happen? I can't imagine. Oh, dude.

Yeah. All right. I remember we had a guy come in. I used to work at an ice cream place in Cincinnati called United Dairy Farmers. And I remember one day we had a guy come in. He grabbed a straw from where our ice cream sits, and he went into the bathroom. And he was in the bathroom for what felt like 20 or 30 minutes. Oh, no. And we're all like, what in the hell is he doing? Like, who? What? That's not good. Dude walks out, doesn't buy anything, just leaves. I think we were busy at the time, so we didn't even actually realize...

That, like, he didn't buy anything until later. But, uh... Go to check the bathroom. Because we have to clean them every day. And there's blood on the toilet seat. There's blood on the mirror. There's blood on the sink. There's blood on the floor. Oh! And...

I didn't know if I was supposed to call because blood's like a biohazard. So I'm looking at all this blood and I'm like, do I mop it? Like, what do I do with this? Like, sure. I've had the occasional person shit on the seat, shit on the floor, piss everywhere, whatever. Like, I've dealt with that. I've dealt with the dirty sink. I had never in my life walked in and felt like I was watching the fucking movie Carrie where there's just blood splattered all over the goddamn room. And this guy walked out perfectly fine.

I don't know what he bled from. That's not good. Yeah, I was wondering if he actually walked out and, you know, you didn't notice him and he just exploded in the middle of the bathroom. Oh.

Maybe some other guy walked out. No, he just bled everywhere. And I just, I didn't know what to do. So I just cleaned it up. I put on some gloves and I just scrubbed the fuck out of that bathroom like two or three times feeling disgusted that I had no idea why there was blood on so many different levels of so many different surfaces that it didn't even make sense where he could possibly be bleeding from unless it was like...

His nose or something. But even then, you know the infomercials where it's like the guy's carrying a bunch of Tupperware or like all the car washing stuff and he goes, whoa, whoa! Like this guy got a paper cut on his palm and he just, whoa, whoa, whoa! And slams into the mirror and slams onto the floor and slams into the ceiling. I can't stop!

It was on the back of the toilet seat, the sink. It wasn't on the knobs or anything. It was like on the side of the... It was just so weird. It looks like he intentionally was just like, I'm bleeding. Better put it everywhere. I mean, I have no idea. Only saw that guy the one time. I don't know if he just went home and died or what the fuck happened to him, but like he bled all over our bathroom. And all he did was grab a straw and go to the bathroom. That's some next level stuff. He must have taught all the poo people from Jimmy John's because...

There's a training course you can take to how to be the biggest asshole at a restaurant or a fucking- That would make more sense to me than people just behaving like that and thinking to themselves like, oh, it's okay. Oh, man. I'm struggling to see what the straw was for. He just grabbed a straw and went in. I thought-

thought drugs i thought like snorting cocaine or something i don't know but i i have no idea it's a milkshake straw maybe he snorted something and then it just didn't go in right and it just came back out and there was some blood and it just went everywhere maybe it was like a nose volcano i don't know yeah i don't know how drugs work i've never done anything other than like drink alcohol so i don't know but you see like in the movies you know they'll grab like a little straw or something they'll like it's a tiny straw they'll like snort like a line or something yeah yeah but this

is a milkshake straw oh yeah dude needed to do a lot of drugs or something i don't know that's weird man no that's that's what happens man you take some drugs it starts gushing out of your eyes and all you can do is like try to keep them closed but they'll like swell up your eyelids will like fill and then you gotta blink eventually that's drugs man but it feels great afterwards apparently

So I've heard. Oh, yeah, no, it's so good. It's worth all the death stuff. Dude, the blood high? Oh, you can't beat it, man. It's just stellar. That's not good. Kids, don't do that. Don't do any of that. Don't chase the blood high. The blood dragon's not worth it. Don't chase it. The blood dragon. Gotta get this blood monkey off my back.

No, I got COVID from a hot tub. The hot tub wasn't wearing a mask? I think I mentioned, but maybe not, that we're getting a hot tub, which is very exciting. It's a thing. Manny had shoulder surgeries when she was... Sick, dude. What?

Hot tub because it got you sick. Yeah, but the timing of it came right at the shoulder surgery. Yeah, it was a little late. Anyway, sick. Yes. So Mandy has had surgery when she was younger, has always had shoulder problems. And so we've always dreamed of having a hot tub because sometimes she just is in pain, agonizing pain. And a hot tub soak would do a lot to help therapeutically. Yeah, it would be good for her shoulders. And I'm just sort of out of shape. So a hot tub feels really good when you're sore and out of shape. But anyway.

We were at the place. We were at a showroom looking at things. We didn't know anything about hot tubs. And we went to look and they had apparently there are like two types. There's one that's more like a chlorine kind of like a pool based where that's how you keep the water clean. And then there's one that's kind of like a saltwater hot tub. And I don't do saltwater very well. The ocean, like if I get the ocean in my mouth, makes me

throw up. I don't like saltwater. I'm very, I react very strongly to it. But the saltwater hot tubs were like exactly what we wanted. And so I was concerned. I was like, well, I don't want to get a hot tub that has saltwater in it because saltwater literally makes me puke and gag and I hate it. And so I was like, but they have one. They had one that had the saltwater in it on the floor. And I was like, well, I should just taste the water.

And that way I'll know, I'll know if it's too salty. Cause the guy was like, Oh, well it's way, it's not the same level of salt as the ocean. And I was like, I like went over and I smelled it and I was like, I don't know, this is, it smells kind of salty. And so ultimately I was like, I just have to, I just have to taste it. Yeah.

And then I'll know for sure before I commit to spending this money on a hot tub that I can that that'll be OK. It won't be too salty. I'll be able to enjoy the hot tub even though it's got salt. So anyway, that happened. And literally the very next night I came down sick and it was covid.

And I've since the last time we recorded, I've had COVID the entire time until yesterday. But I did get I got the Paxlovid or whatever. And like I got I got better really quickly. And so I'm lucky it was fine. It wasn't that bad of an illness or anything. But I am

Pretty sure I got COVID because I drank the public hot tub water. Well, after you drink public salt water, you should always go home and gargle salt water to cleanse your palate. But it was treated. The salt makes it clean, right? I don't think those are of a temperature enough to pasteurize anything. If anything, they're kind of like a bio cooker where more things. Oh, it wasn't hot at all either. It was set on like 90 degrees. It was like barely a hot tub because it was in there. You know, no one was using it, right? So it didn't need to be that hot.

Yeah, well, I don't know what's been in there, but apparently something. Well, Keter's pooped on the floor the other day and I got the salt shaker and poured it on there and it just disappeared. Carpet was sparkly. What's happening? What? You said salt made it clean. Why did the poop disappear? Because you sprinkled salt on it. He's being hyperbolic. No, no, no. It really happened. I'm

I'm telling you a real life story here about an illness and a very, a very dramatic experience that I had. And I'm mocking you for thinking that salt made it clean and safe. Well, that's the point. The only reason it's salt water is because that's the, that's the way it's chemically treated so that it doesn't get nasty. Also, it had some sort of ozone treatment system in it and also some sort of UV thing that was supposed to also kill bacteria and viruses. And, but it was supposed to be clean, man. Are you sure that you didn't get COVID from the people in the store? Uh,

They were all perfectly healthy and also very nice people. That's true. You can always tell when someone is very sick with COVID. The healthy ones are nice. They wouldn't have done that to me is all I'm going to say. Okay. There was a mean guy in the corner. He was definitely sick. I get mean when I'm sick. So I assume. Anyway, I don't know. It's probably not.

from the hot tub, but it just seems too conspicuous that I drank. I drank anonymous hot tub water and then I got sick for a week, so... I just would never think to taste. How much did you drink? Is this just like you dip a finger and you go... Or a whole...

I didn't like drink the whole head, but I took, I was like, and took like a little, I aerated it. Right. You have to get like a, it's like tasting wine. No, no. This gives me the heebie jeebies. I don't like it. It's there were no people ever in that hot tub. It's a showroom hot tub. It's as clean as a hot tub gets, you know, as soon as they put the closed sign on the door, they all stripped down and hop in the hot

It's in the middle of a warehouse that's got windows on all sides. Yeah, but if it's closed, you're not going to go looking in a warehouse window. That's boring. I don't know what kind of dungeon hot tub shop you went to, but my mind's got like a jail cell guards behind each player's wall. Look, they were nice people. They wouldn't do that to me. Plus, if you think about it right, it's not even that gross. It's like I drank people's soup. Did you mistakenly read the sign? It wasn't the hot tub. It was the cough tub. That's the cough tub.

Mistakenly. Whenever you're sick, you cough into it until it fills up. That's the COVID head washing tub. Anyone who's sick, you wash your hands in this tub and then you can touch whatever you want. Oh, we recycle here. See the hospital next door. Their runoff comes down the hill and we just catch it in this tub.

pub it's wonderful then we sprinkle in some table salt some cinnamon very safe very clean it's not we didn't get like the most extravagant hot tub in the world but it's still a lot of money okay and i didn't want to did you get the salt one yeah we got the salt one i didn't want to spend all that money because the salt one had all the features that we wanted and it was very comfortable you could climb into them but they didn't have water in them because we had clothes on but they were you could sit in them right and you could be like oh this is comfy look

This is where my legs will go and there'll be water. It'll be up to here. And you can imagine. And but I was like, I'm not spending all this money on a saltwater hot tub because I don't want to throw up in my own hot tub. So I had to taste it. It makes sense. How did it taste? It tasted kind of like unflavored Gatorade. You know, like how salty like sports drinks are. They're like a little salty. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, it was like that level of like, oh, it's like a touch salty, but it's not like ocean saltwater salty.

Alright, we've woken up. It's early morning. This is the first activity we do after getting out of bed. This is very important because this, I believe, sets the tone of what you're going to do for the rest of the day. There's many things you could do in this time, but it's a very small period of time to take advantage and prepare yourself for the day to come. What is the best thing to do immediately after waking up in the early morning? If I may, it's simple. You look at your phone and see what time it is, go fuck that and go back to sleep. Oh, man. I have

Old strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off. Wait, you know what? Maybe Bob, you go. I'll go after you this time. Let me steal your idea and get points for it. Here you go. I have an answer for this one, too, and it's one word. Okay. Dumpies. Interesting. I think we all know what it means. I don't know if it needs... Is that another word for coffee? Because I'm not a coffee drinker. No, I hate coffee. I don't drink coffee. Dumpy, you gotta plop some logs, man. Ugh.

That's the best way to get going. Oh, to build your house like a Lincoln log. You could build things with that, I guess. It's, it's poops, Wade. Oh, I'm a night shitter. You really? Well,

Whoa, really? Oh, yes. Oh, I wake up two or three times a night to pee, but I do not shit in the morning. No, I do not shit in the afternoon. I'm a night shitter. Oh, I thought you were like exclusively. Yeah, that's weird. Well, OK. Although I guess sometimes like there's afternoon poopies, but typically it's like around dinner time. Are you like a once a day? One or two? I'm good.

Hold on. I'm going to just like... We're talking about something here. What are you doing? But I do wipe front to back. Is that good? Yes, yes. That is good. How does every episode get down to the specificities of our biological functions? Do you use the single sheet folded or do you like roll it up? I don't want to hear anything more. I take three to four sheets.

Excellent. Which is a little excessive, but not as excessive as some people. We'll slowly fade them out in the background and play some elevator music in the meantime. And do you go through the middle? Or do you go around the side when you're reaching around to take a nap? Oh, kind of like the little ball going around the funnel where they go side to side. Make sure you get it all. That also sounds fun. Do you use wet wipes? Do you have wipeys? No, but sometimes if I'm feeling really ambitious, I'll wet the toilet paper. That's an interesting approach.

dry, wet, back to dry, then you're spotless.

Alright, now that no one... We're so in sync. We have the perfect dumpy. We did it, Mark. We made the perfect dumpy. Now that no one had to hear that, I'm going to exclude biological necessities from this list. Does that include, like, grooming? No, it doesn't include cleansing yourself. It's going to the bathroom. We're really just going to assume you fit that in here and there as needed, because everyone's different. My schedule's packed. Yeah, it's an important ritual. You've got to make time. Yeah, but that's different for everybody, but we're going to assume each one has it, because I don't want to hear about it.

Okay. Now, who amongst you, any of the three of you, who can do a better impression? Huh? Is there a third person? I thought I saw another person in here. Where? Oh, they're gone. Anyway, all right. It may be difficult. It may be difficult. All right, hold on. Ah! You're right! Ah!

Is the whole thing one animal? Yeah, no, that's goats. That's what goats sound like. I got that one. Holy shit. I have to do an impression now? Is that right? You could also abstain if you don't want to hurt your voice or anything. All right. That was very good. That's going to be hard to beat. Oh, God. I don't know if I can make this noise, but I'll try. Meh. Meh.

That was a good attempt. I think Wade gets it for the horrified scream and the discrepancy between the two. It truly is. I can't even do it. He did great. All right, Wade, you want a hard one? Oh boy, do I? This might gross people out, but I used to have a wart here and I took a pair of tweezers and toenail clippers and I cut it and tore it and ripped it out. What the fuck?

fuck that's not what you're supposed to do with that no but i was i was like in high school and i for some reason here was my thought process i was like listen i'm pre-law i want to shake a lot of important hands one day and what if they're left-handed and they touch my wart and they're grossed out and i ruin a relationship so i've got to get rid of this i better do it now i could probably just cut it off and so i did

Wouldn't recommend anyone do that. I'm sorry for the uneasiness I probably just caused, but I did literally just... This is a horrible, horrible... I did literally do that to myself. Did you have any bad fallout from that? And also, did it hurt? No, I ran the tweezers under the tap before I started digging in, so it was very clean. Oh, perfect. All right, cool. Good. I made sure it was sanitary. Okay. Woo! Woo!

I wanted a sterile environment for my surgery. Dodge that cannonball. It was very painful. I will say it was very painful to do. That was maybe a sign from your body about what you were doing. Your body was all, whoa, whoa, hey. And you were like, shh.

shut up wasn't taking no for an answer for my body on that one I was like it's going and there's nothing you can say or do I think you betrayed your body at that point I'm pretty sure you're the traitor yeah no that's that's a that's you that's definitely a betrayal on your part that's right yeah I did that and I feel kind of bad about it

I've got a doozy for you guys. So you remember a long time ago, this event occurred that is really, really memorable for a lot of people where Chica, when I first got her, pooped on the floor and the Roomba spread it everywhere, right? So yesterday, Chica was home. We weren't gone long, but apparently she had some upset stomach. And this happens, you know, it does happen. She pooped in the house, but...

She just so happened, and I have to show you a picture, and do not put this on the... Pixelated. But I gotta show you guys a picture because it'll tell the entirety of this story, and it just doesn't make any sense how this occurred. I have lunch on the way. Wait, what? She pooped on a thing that was off the ground, and it got on my Vision Pro. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Dude, you can really see shit. How did she poop there? I don't know. It's not, the Vision Pro is not on the ground. It's on, like, it's on a case for my lights that is on the ground. Like, it's, it's, I don't understand how this occurred. It doesn't make any sense. How could she have pooped on my Vision Pro? Why?

Her poops have value seeking sensors built into the tip. They'd go for whatever the most expensive thing that's reachable is. It's legitimately like I can't think of a single thing that is more valuable monetary wise, not emotionally wise, more valuable than that.

anywhere close to the floor even the computer that i'm doing this on costs less than that thing and that's you know i get it that's not a good say i'm not trying to be like oh woe is me it's just like it's so bizarre that that thing would be the thing that would get poop on it her ass has expensive taste it sure does it sure does we're here to save people out there the most

money possible i'm here for it that's the smart one we're gonna start off wade how can i lower my water bill spit uh we produce a lot of it sometimes you have more than you want so uh what do animals do to clean themselves so you don't need to use water if you've got saliva and if you're thirsty drink someone else's saliva they're just gonna spit out or waste it anyway

Take a bite. On top of that, can I throw in a little bonus here? I'll let Bob go first. You save your bonus. Wade has the right idea, but he picked the wrong liquid. Oh. No, it's what you think. Oh, no. You don't make a lot of spit comparatively to the amount of piss that you make. Oh. If you want the volume to be able to do a load of dishes...

Fill up your mobile laundry machine so you can run some laundry. Top off a water bottle. Ha!

How long do you think it would take you to use spit to top off a 24 ounce water bottle? Hours, days. It might not even be possible. How long does it take to pee out 24 ounce? 30 seconds, depending on how much you save up. If you save it, you might have 24 ounces in one go. That's a lot. That's maybe not realistic, but like one or two pisses a day, you got a full water bottle. You just drink that right down. Plus the water bottle keeps it warm, which is nice. It's like tea, tea of the body, crotch tea.

- Ah, man, all of those names are terrible. Wade, please rebut. - I don't know that urine has many good things for you 'cause it's your body trying to get rid of it, whereas spit, I mean, it's already right there in your mouth, so you know it's meant to be there. I think spit also helps in the digestion process, so maybe it'll get your metabolism up, so you'll have a better metabolism from having more varieties of spit

in your body at any given time i don't know it's just fun sometimes it's like real wet sometimes it's kind of sticky you never really know what kind of spit you're gonna get sometimes like you wake up and you got like the stringy spit and it's like a play thing on top of everything else so you have a toy and a nice beverage and a food breaky downy all at once spit's just fun i

You know what? I love that. That's an excellent slogan. I'm going to throw up. It's just fun. Can I share my bonus thought with you real quick? I don't want points for this. I just want to share it. Okay.

You might not get it, but who knows? I'm thinking about like chewing on food, right? Like we have the spit in our mouth, but like chewing on food wears down your teeth over time. But you know what? Kids chew up food and then like their teeth, they eventually get adult teeth. So they lose their kid teeth. What if you had your kids chew your food for you and then they're wearing down their baby teeth? You're protecting your adult teeth longer. So you can have like the liquid and the solid safe. I feel like that's just totally unrelated to what we're talking about. All right. So Mewtwo.

I was not. Would you like a different idea, Mark? I'll, I'll get away from recycling your own bodily fluids. How about that? I've got a different idea. Oh man. I guess if we could keep saving money, I suppose, but the time ran out. I've got, we've got so many other bills, uh, but you throw it out. It just won't be worth points. You want to save water on, uh,

money on water everyone around you is constantly flushing water literally down the toilet where's that water going why not into your collecting tanks smack a life straw on that bad boy and boom clean water

that's true septic tanks are really just big water bottles yeah they're just underground water sources waiting to be tapped i don't want to tap into my septic tank thank you so the other day i was doing a stream uh my friend patrick had his birthday yesterday uh but he did a stream uh sunday we were playing uh what was it called not overcooked the other cooking one undercooked

Side cook. Legend of the hidden cook. Played up. Oh, okay. I don't know how we got here, but we got to a point where he said something about cheesing me or something because he was trying to make tacos and that led him to think of a character. I don't know how good this image is going to look. It's going to be very small here, but I'm going to share a character with you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'd like you to meet Dikachu from the hit movie Strokemon. Oh, I get you. I see where this is going. Is this from Mark's Smasher Pass video? It could be. How about Spungenob? Oh, no. I don't like how dirty his holes are. Yeah, that's really unpleasant to look at. Actually, it looks like someone really worked hard on that costume, but no. No.

Sponge knob. I'm assuming Sandy Cheeks kept her name. Yeah, that one kind of works. That one doesn't need any adjustment. He's motioning at his tie for some reason. Oh, yeah. His tie. Don't scroll any lower. Nope. Stop. Hold on.

I just had the whole podcast flash before my eyes. Thankfully, I had this image saved. I know. We could blur that in post, but don't. Yeah. Listen, editors from here on out, we're going to play. We're going to play podcast roulette. You just don't censor anything ever.

in this episode. Don't you dare. It's just like Ethan getting banned for showing up a vagina on screen for like, for like a minute. Did you see that? No. Oh, I sure did. Did you see what JP tweeted at him? No.

Hey, at least you don't have an excuse to not find it now or something like that. Yeah, yeah. So, Bob, he was going Wikipedia, like, hide and seek, whatever it's called. I don't remember. You try to go from one topic to another through hyperlinks only. So he's trying to go from something to clitoris. And so he gets to clitoris, and he's like, yes, I did it! And then he looks away. I don't know what he's doing, like on his phone or something. And it's Wikipedia, so the image for the article...

It's just a vagina. Some lady spreading her legs. Like an actual lady spread leg shaved. It is. And it's like, there's like a circle, you know, where the clitoris is and a zoom in. It's like, it's close up. And it's a closer picture of just the clitoris. And he's just like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Off to the side. The chat's like exploding by. Ethan! Ethan, no!

And then 30 seconds go by and he's like, oh no. And the slowest scroll you've ever seen down. Just like, oh, oh.

And he scrolls down to another anatomical drawing of the clitoris. He doesn't like close it. He's like, thank God I'm still safe on this clitoris page. And I get that there's nothing obscene about anatomical. To be fair, that's like science-y. That's pretty science-y. But it's like there are certain Wikipedia pages that are just straight on. I bet the page for penis is just a big old penis. That's very, very Ethan-y.

I'm going to be telling you a story about young love, about a first job, about excitement over the possibility of sitting near a girl in high school, about overcomplicated plans that end hilariously and also quite terrifyingly in both failure and near-death experience, and the hard-to-explain series of decisions that led me and my high school best friend to almost kill a girl completely by accident. Ha ha ha ha!

Where did this begin? My high school best friend, Dave and I were hanging out in his basement doing the thing, the only thing that we did other than video games and work at our part-time jobs. No, not that. Oh. Which was play ping pong and lament about girls.

And recently Dave had begun working at a new job at the movie theater, which is a great job. It's a lot of free movies, thanks to Dave. But a lot of people go to the movie theater and while we're playing ping pong, hanging out, he gets a text from one of his coworkers that this girl, the girl that he currently like would not stop talking about, Jessica, was seeing a movie, had just walked in, gotten their tickets. And one of our creepy friends at the movie theater was like, "Hey, hey, she's here."

And sent him a text. And so we got this information, right? You guys had a whole team on this. Yeah, well, it's hard to date, okay? You gotta have a lot of... It's a lot of effort. I'm trying to keep track of everything. There's Jessica just walked in. What is the name of this creepy friend? Can we call him, like, I don't know, Kyle or something? Kyle. Kyle's about right. All right. I don't know. I'm pretty sure Kyle works at the movie theater and sweeps up the popcorn after the movie's over, right? Yeah, you know what? That can be confirmed. Every movie theater has a Kyle, so we have decreed. Yeah.

Not only is Jessica, my friend's love interest, seeing a movie, she's seeing a movie with a friend who is the girl that I myself at that point in time would not shut up about. It's perfect, right? What's your love interest name in this? Melissa. Yeah, what's the name? Melissa, okay. Jessica and Melissa. My best friend's love interest is that the movie's with her best friend, my love interest. It's a love quadrangle. How do you say that word? Quadrangle.

I think it's just a square. It's a parallelogram. Could be anything. Could be. You're right. A square is a parallelogram, but a parallelogram does not have to be a square. Ain't that the truth. Ain't that the truth. You and your friend do sound like squares in this. Go ahead. Anyway, we've got all the information now. The plan is obvious, right? Do you not see how this has to play out? Clearly, what we had to do was...

Step one, gather a posse, obviously. So we gathered the boys, if you will, our other friends. So gang hit. Got it. Yep. We had to rush to the grocery store to pick up some flowers and chocolates. We head to the theater to stake out the car.

and then ambush them with love and appreciation as they exit the theater to get into their vehicle and drive back home. This frees us to act two, obviously, preparation. Now it's time to take action. There's a time clock on this. We know which movie they're seeing, when it was, how long the movie is.

Our posse of friends that we gathered are the Stevens. One named Steven with a V, one named Steven with a PH. So there's four of us. We pile into my friend Dave's Honda Civic. And this next part plays out like an action movie. This is why the posse needs to be here, right? You gotta keep the car running. You gotta have logistics. You gotta have people in charge. So Dave and I are in the front seat. The Stevens are in the back seat. And we're like driving, totally following the speed limit, totally being safe. We're driving to the grocery store.

And the Stevens are in the back. One of them we call Steven and one of them is Steve, which helps differentiate, but also is sort of indicative of their personality. Steve is the gossip. Steve is the one like texting updates with Kyle. Like, did they leave early? No. Okay. Like keeping the subjects in sight, keeping our intel fresh. Steven is the one staring at his watch on the minute. Every minute is like, Oh, 20, 28 minutes, 28 minutes.

From right now, we need to be in that parking lot. That'll give us, you know, 15 minutes to find the car, find a spot, get a good angle. And he's sitting there just staring at his watch, just waiting.

So we get to the grocery store. We run into the store. We've never bought this stuff before. Neither of us realized until we got inside. We're losers, right? We haven't really, like, dated people to this point. Never bought flowers for someone or chocolates. Never gone to the part of the store that's set up for desperate losers trying to impress a girl sort of area. Don't know where that is. So she bought chocolates, flowers, and a 50-pack of condoms, I'm guessing. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Magnum XLs, baby. Standards, yes. Absolutely standards. Extra small. Extra small magnum. Finally, after running around the store looking like weirdos, we're fully loaded. Chocolates, flowers, extra small condoms. Ready to go.

The movie theater is not super far away, but we're back in the car and it's like, all right, eight minutes to the theater. We're about five minutes away. Everything's on time. Steven is happy. Steve is updating us. They're still in the movie. Everything is fine. Kyle has not seen them go to the bathroom. He is watching them like a hawk. I don't know if I'd be honored someone liked me that much or if I'd be really weirded out or creeped out. I don't know how I'd feel. Well, you don't need to worry about it because no one's that obsessed with you.

Continue, Bob. I can answer for you definitively when it's creepy. But anyway. It is creepy. So act three, the payoff, the action. We're here. Yeah. This is going to sound worse than it is. Dave happens to know which car is theirs.

he knows which car his beloved jessica drives and uh his beloved that sounds worse than knowing what car they drive go ahead go ahead his beloved jen and so we go we're scouting we find the car we circle around we find an angle where we can park the stevens so they can kind of see the action you know because they've been with us this far you

You don't want to leave the Stevens parked off in the corner somewhere like a-holes. You want them to be able to witness the great success that is about to happen. All this effort that we've put into coordinating this massive effort

So yeah, we get everything situated. We're sitting in the car. It's like a perfect like TV show thing where it's like from our car. It's sort of like through one row. There's a perfect little window between the parked cars and a light. Literally, it's nighttime. It's like a weekend evening. In the dark night, their car, an orange car by the way, has a beacon on it like at this bright focal point. But uh...

Basically, we get the Stevens all set up. And then at some point, Dave and I are like, okay, well, we don't want to just be sitting here. If they come out earlier than we think or something, or maybe we have the timing off, we don't want to like get out of our car and run at them. That's terrifying. Someone jumps out of a vehicle and charges you in the parking lot.

That's like a kidnapper or something, right? That's bad. So we're like, well, casually with our huge bouquets of flowers and oversized boxes of chocolate, get out of our car and sort of, sort of skulk, I guess is the word I would use to describe it.

sort of pick a spot where they can't see us because it's a surprise obviously they can't see us coming out of the theater we're hidden turns out that light bleeds a lot it shows a lot of area so i think we were like oh we'll pick a discreet spot it'll be fine luckily the car that the girls are driving is this big truck sort of thing like an suv it's tall it hides us pretty well i think if

if a family that was going to see a Pixar movie drove past this location in the parking lot that night, they would have looked off to the side and seen me. I was as big as I am now. Then a huge six foot four big dude with his very short friend,

standing in the middle of a parking lot with like some stuff like obviously holding something i guess flowers maybe but like if you drive by that how bad does that look yeah if i drove by that i would think there were some shenanigans afoot and we'd go to a different theater i'm looking back on this though right and i don't feel good about this choice specifically of all the choices we made this choice to lay in wait for what was essentially i guess our prey

To jump out at two unsuspecting people. This is a questionable plan. No, this could only lead to true love. Yeah, well, maybe it did. Maybe one of these girls is actually Mandy. Oh! Look, so we're standing here. It was probably like maybe 10 minutes, which is a long time to lurk in a parking lot.

but we're sitting there and it feels like forever right it's a combination of feeling kind of uneasy about where we are the choices we've made how this looks but also we're about to ask a girl on a date which is terrifying like it's as for for high school me I had never really done that it's not successfully done that and it was like it was a lot and we're

And we're sitting there like, you know, hearts aflutter, murder muscles really getting warmed up. So we're waiting forever. And finally, peeking through the, you know, you can sort of look through the windows of a car. We're peeking around the edges, lurking, if you will. Finally, they round the corner from the front of the movie theater. I will say this is the back parking lot of the movie theater. Not the front one where like everyone goes. This is like the cool back one. There's less foot traffic, less witnesses. So they're coming, they're making their way to the back parking lot.

you know, we sort of huddle. We're like, they're coming, they're coming. Oh my God. Oh my God. And, and we're looking at each other and Dave and I collectively, we have this conversation that's like, don't jump out too early. Don't, don't give them any warning. Make sure they're nice and close so they can't run. You know, make sure they, they're, that they get close enough.

And we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the plan. That's the plan. Obviously. Obviously. All of this is obvious. Finally, they get close enough. Jessica's digging for her car keys. They sort of finally arrived at the car. And we're like, yes. And we take our big step out from behind the car, presenting the flowers so proudly. And...

I think everyone knows what their reaction is. Oh, you shouldn't have. Sure. Well, then maybe that came later. Their initial reaction is actual terror. Terror.

like actually maybe we're here to grab them and run away or something or take their purse and punch them in the face they look terrified which is not surprising from this perspective dave and i are taken aback by their terrified look and we're like no wait a minute this is a perfect plan this isn't scary this is charming we're expressing how much we care about them they should be blown away with love and entrancement is that a

Is that a word? Yeah, sure. Entrapment. Oh, yeah. Entrapment. I think you're getting there. Yeah. Well, so they look scared. Dave and I look at each other and realize like, oh, you know what? Maybe there were some flaws, but we're here. We've done it. It's a surprise. Everything will be fine. But at this point, like Melissa's kind of like scared, but realized that it's us and it's probably fine. Jessica doesn't look scared anymore, but she looks like she's having trouble. Like she looks like she might faint or collapse. Yeah.

And unbeknownst to us, despite the amount of love in his heart for this person, Dave had no idea and I had no idea because I didn't know her very well. Jessica has a serious heart condition. I don't know what the medical condition is, but she has a serious heart health condition and extreme surprises are bad for

for her and may cause her heart to stop beating. So anything that's, uh, terrifically shocking, jarring, terrifying is potentially deadly to this person. Hmm. Okay. And so we didn't know that. And, uh, we don't know how to help. So she,

she just sort of begins having cardiac distress and having trouble staying conscious. And she's the only one who knows at this point, she needs to reach into her bag and get a bottle of medicine to take one of the pills that she has with her in case this comes up.

But like, and I don't know, I imagine her friend who was with her probably had some clue since they're best friends maybe. But like Dave and I are just standing there staring at this girl dying in front of us. I'm not really sure. And our, you know, nerves and excitement about asking these girls to go on a date turned suddenly to like actual terror on our parts. We don't know what happened, but apparently we've scared a person to death. Why would you be worried? I, that wasn't, so I've been telling it.

Listen, I've been setting it up like, oh, this is a joke. We're going to kill this girl or whatever. We didn't mean to kill anyone. Jesus Christ. Believe it or not, based on the plan that we hatched and the decisions we made to execute that plan, our ultimate goal was not to kill this person. It was to secure a date or maybe a double date. Hmm.

I feel like I'm watching a fucking true crime episode. This is like the killer explaining how they got started. No, no, I see the detective piecing all the evidence together. And they lurked. No, they skulked outside by the car with flowers for their grave.

We didn't mean to kill anybody, but we found we had a real taste for it. So this is happening. She reaches into her bag. Somebody has a bottle of water, takes medicine. After maybe a solid five to seven minutes of like terror and staring and waiting by me and Dave, everyone is fine. Jessica is fine. Alyssa is pretty pissed off. She's fine. And so like everyone,

Everyone's fine. There's four of us standing there in the middle of this parking lot. By the way, the Stevens must have had a hell of a show. I'm a little surprised they didn't come running out of the car. We'll try to figure out or like hop in the front seat and drive away.

I don't know what the Stevens were doing or thinking. They were coming up with their alibi as you were out there. Like, okay, okay, they kidnapped us too. Nobody saw us at the grocery store with them. Maybe we were at home. Maybe we were in my basement. They knew about the heart condition the whole time. They wanted this to happen. Yeah, I don't know, but they must have had a hell of a show. So the four of us are standing there. So everything's fine. Everyone's alive. At this point, Dave and I are like, okay, everyone's good. Let's do what we came here for. The mood is set.

Everything has gone according to the plan. It's time to ask these girls on a date. I will say, I will release a little more context at this point. My friend Dave and his interest, Jessica, have some history at this point. They have not dated, but I think she is aware that he likes her and he thinks that maybe she likes him back. Between me and Melissa, it's a much more unspoken amount of interest.

Utterly unspoken, you could say. How much unspoken? How many words? I know her and have seen her at parties or in band practice. I've seen her interact with other people. I may have talked to her directly once prior to this interaction.

So mine was a real shot in the dark. Mine was like, you seem cool. You seem awesome. I like you. Maybe you like me. But Dave's is like a real, I think this has a shot. I'm going to ask this girl out finally. So everyone's alive. Everyone calms down a little bit. Dave looks into Jessica's eyes and is like, hey, we've been hanging out a lot. I think you're really cool. We have a really good time together. You know, I know this didn't go. I was hoping this would be more surprising and a romantic and not like death defying and terrifying.

But like, you know, look...

I just, I wanted to ask you on a date. Like I got you these flowers and these chocolates. You can have those. That's just a gift. I just wanted to ask you if maybe we could go out and have dinner. Like he really nice. David is a sweet guy. He asked her out super nice. And she takes the flowers and sort of looks down and very thoughtfully. She's like, you know what? I do have fun with you, but I think we're just friends, you know, like the classic letdown. And it's really, it's a big bummer, but that was always an option. And she was super nice about it. And, uh, and so that all plays out. It helps my turn. Yeah.

And so this has all happened. And I look directly at Melissa and I'm like, I hold out the flowers and the chocolate silently. And I look at her and I'm like, you date? And she doesn't take the flowers or the chocolate. She doesn't say anything. She locks eye contact with me, slowly shakes her head no, and then just proceeds to get her friend into the car so they can leave.

So not equivalent responses, but not equivalent, you know, pretext between the two interactions. I don't think Melissa's treatment of me was particularly unfair. Could have been nicer. Yeah. Given the situation, I think she was definitely overreacting to everyone. I don't blame her for, you know, maybe being a little taken aback and angry.

and angry at me directly about what had happened just then. It's not like she was the one who was dying on the ground. Yeah, she was fine. Yeah, she was fine. She was fine the whole time. And the one who was dying sent the other person into the friend zone. You're not even in the friend zone, which is better? Yeah. Good? Good.

It's good. He's like, you circle back. Yeah. Give another shot. Yeah. It's not too late. We can plan it out. Anyway, two shots fired. No dates acquired. Okay. Chocolate. But does that qualify as attempted murder? Who could say?

Mark is either gone or sitting very still. Hello? He's thinking. Hello? Hello? Let's try a simple one. Mark, how many fingers? Hello? Oh, wait. I know how to fix this. Mark, how many fingers? Hello? I texted you. Hello? You know what, Bob? I'm going to give you a good internet point. Thanks. That seems fair.

Hello? They tried to take me out. It didn't work. The world government. Oh, sweet fucking Jesus. No, no, not again. Hello?