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This episode of Distractible is presented by Mug Root Beer. Mug Root Beer is a question. Got that dog in you? All right. Yeah, Mug has that dog on their can.
Danny drinks root beer. Here's another question. Does anyone actually know what's in root beer? It's one of those things you, like, never think about. Well, for mug root beer to be so creamy and delicious, it's got to be made out of rainbows and pure joy, right? All I know is it's that root beer for the dogs. Uh, yeah, so true. Well, there you go. Drink mug root beer if you got that dog in you. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
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This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Do you hate phones? So do I. Let's ban phones. Ban phones! Ban phones! Ban phones! Mark, why are we banning phones? What happened? Because they're bad and
And they're expensive. It doesn't have to be expensive. Do you have Mint Mobile? Have you heard of Mint Mobile for phone service? Have you done this? I have not. Unlimited talk and text and data. And it's just 15 bucks a month when you buy a three month plan. You mean like 150? No, like literally it's $15. This is confusing. Mint Mobile has unlimited talk, text, and data for $15 a month when you buy a three month plan. God, you know, I just want someone to champ.
Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, this episode brought
It's
It's time for The Last Great Debate. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Hello, and welcome back to another episode of your uncle's second favorite podcast, Distractible. I'm sure we have much better things to claim fame from, but today's about Gary's taste, really. Anyway, I'm your host, Bob, joined as usual by my contestants for the day and co-hosts in general, Mark and Wade. Say hello. Hey. Hey.
I said say hello, but that's fine. Hey. Everyone's doing well, clearly, especially and particularly Wade, probably. If you've never seen the show before, I'm the host because I won the last episode. That's right. It's a competition. One of these two other guys will win this episode and host the next one. That's how it works. I have...
a thing. I write down points and so on and so forth. That's pretty, that's the whole, that's it. It's not complicated. And also what I said only kind of applies in every given episode. Uh, anyway, how's it going fellas? Great. Man, wait, what did you take before this episode? Oh,
Oh, I had some wah-wah. Some what? Oh my god. Kill it. Something has invaded Wade's body and taken him over. That is an alien in a skin suit. He won't open his eyes because it'll show his true nature. The alien will come bursting forth. Oh, they're open. They're open. How many fingers am I holding up? Oh, three and a half. Is the pinky really a finger? I
You know, I'm not a doctor, but... Okay, I can't keep it up. I tried. Man, you could do the whole episode like that. Oh, we're back. I have incredible news. Do you have the world's most successful render farm? Not at all. It's not even running. Not even one computer is up. But!
I'm not going to talk about that. Not going to talk about glabrasol. I'm not going to talk about my master plans, solar panels. I'm not going to talk about any of that. Anything interesting going on in the world? I don't recall. This headline just made me laugh. Texas family saves orphan baby bird by wrapping it in a tortilla. Quote, that's all I had. That's just really making me laugh.
That's it. I owned one thing in life and I used it to save this baby bird. Look at this fucking bird. I gotta show you. It's so cute. Look at that. Oh, that's delicious. Oh.
No, no, Bob. No, no. Is that not the okay? You know, vets work really hard and delivering a chicken tortilla to them is honestly really sweet. Well, we don't know if it's a chicken. I don't know what bird that is. It's in a tortilla. It's got to be chicken. Ever heard of a duck tortilla? Never had a pork tortilla. Well, I don't think actually they've made a pork tortilla. You ever had a blue jay tortilla? I don't think so. Look, all right. Some bird expert out here.
Tell us what this bird is and I guarantee someone out there knows. All right, well the feet have approximately 30 lines between toenail and fur. Just go to Spotify! Look at the video! What is happening? Well, I wasn't helping the listeners. I was trying to just count the lines for the experts. That wouldn't help them. I don't think the number of creases in the toes... The tortilla has approximately six brown spots, maybe seven brown spots.
it depends if each cluster is more like several smaller brown spots there are way more than just that many brown spots uh it's got white feathers the bird not the tortilla oh the tortilla has them now it's got a beak that's yellow towards the face and black on the tip like solid black shiny even what's that part of the beak there's like parts of a beak and there's like a nose part and then like the the mouth part right well i think it's
clearly delineated. Yeah, I think that's it. That because I see a nostril and then this is the proboscis. That's oh, is that what that is? Yeah, the bird proboscis. It extends outward to suck blood. Yep, that's true. He's right. No bird experts are here to refute me. I can say whatever I want. If there's one thing I know, I know birds. I see them. They fly. So whatever. It's fine. This has a confusing energy so far. I just want to in my life, though, I
I'm perfect, as always. And humble? Next. All right, let me tell you, I have discovered the best game ever made. Yes? It's a tile board game called Hanabi, which is like firework. And you take tiles, you work with
one two three other people and you try to build a big old firework rectangle and it was really fun and i'm like addicted to it i want to play it so badly i was on a trip i went to virginia we were surprising uh our friend bird for his birthday i was there with uh molly and his girlfriend foo and some other people we played a lot of board games including nemesis which mark had shown me years ago oh mark likes that i do yep but hanabi i don't know man something about it it just
It clicked with me. It's like just a co-op. You pick little tiles, you build something, you work together. So the way it works is like you can't really talk outside of, but you can have general talk about whatever you want to. But like the way you play the game is you each face tiles at each other, your hand, and they have to try to help you figure out what your hand is. But all they can tell you is either you have this many tiles that are the number two or this many tiles that are green or whatever else. And you have to use that combination of information to try to figure out what you've got and when to play it.
It's just really fun. Simple, but fun. Really fun. It doesn't sound simple. I feel like that's a thing that people who play a lot of board games will just throw out there, though. I played this new board game over the weekend. There's two maps, and you control eight characters at a time, and each player can only move three characters a turn. You have a hand of cards, but you don't get to look at those. But you have to play them at the right time, or else your characters die. It's really simple.
Okay, this one you literally have blue, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Yellow, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. White, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Red, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Green, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. You have to play 1 to 5. You can put down all the 1s at once, all the 2s, whatever. But you have to get from the perfect game, you have all the 1s, 2s, 3s, 4s, and 5s out before you run out of tiles in the middle or time runs out or whatever.
You just help people figure out what's in their hand. You're like, hey, you have three ones. Like, okay, well, we don't have anything on the board, so I guess I can play them. So on and so forth.
It's relatively simple. Like, it actually is relatively simple. I don't get it. That tracks. Look, where I am on the smart spectrum, you know that graph where it's like the dumb, low IQ people are over here, and then the really smart genius people over here? I'm over on one of the extremes, okay? And I'd like to think I'm on the smart side, right? And you're in the middle. I thought you were that part of the neon sign that kind of fizzles and burns out when you approach. I don't know what that even is referring to. Nothing, man. Nothing.
Why are you interpolating what I'm saying? I'm listening to you and I'm trying to participate in the conversation. Why would I not interpolate? Okay, you've made two mistakes in that sentence. Oh, which it was just talking. How could I make a mistake by just talking? Okay, maybe three. Help! Help! I'm being attacked! Help! Help! And it's a really pretty house you keep building.
No, the graph. It's a distribution curve. Bob's wife knows a lot about them. Uh-huh. Statistics. Don't bring her into this. This is your problem to deal with. So over here, you know, there's a dumb guy with the same opinion. It's like globbersalt or something. And then there's me over here saying globbersalt. And all the people in the middle being like, I couldn't possibly do what they're saying. And I'm like, idiots, right?
Something about that's probably true. So the good thing is you always pick the dumb side because they're going to be right. Because it's the same as the smart side in the graph. Yeah, that tracks. Anyway, Anabi, fun game. Hard to find. Apparently it's sold out like everywhere. Is it new? They had a version that came out a while ago and then they had like a
card version that you can actually find. And then people were like, no, we want the tiles. So they made a deluxe two version that has the tiles, but like it's sold out everywhere. And even places that say they have it, like you go to buy it and they're like, they're barely out of stock. You look up Hanabi and I was looking at images. You click on the image tab. You do a search Hanabi. It's us, the board game. You go to images. It's some...
It's some lady from some game. Oh, I searched Hanabi board game. That doesn't get me the lady. Try searching Hanabi Deluxe and then doing image search. And then the third image, which is from Gray Cat Games, shows the version I played. Oh, I don't understand what this is. This looks complicated. I'm too stupid to get it. Wink, wink, wink. I couldn't possibly have an IQ that could tackle this. Wink, wink. Yeah.
something in your eye yeah some winks and a bunch of genius ideas yeah hey we all love ideas that's all the small talk you're gonna get out of me if i talk about anything at all people get upset hanabi is probably on tabletop who can't wait who gets upset everybody they don't want to hear me talk about nothing so i'm not gonna talk
About nothing. You do like dumb things. Wow. Okay. I like smart things and by association, they are dumb. So you're calling me smart and I like smart things. Checkmate. Well, you like me, so I must be either smart and or dumb based on our inputs. Well, I never denied that.
I'm hungry. Bob, is this good? Did we do it? I'm this is some of the most top tier small talk I think we've ever had, guys. I got another news story. Oh, OK. Did you know that Grindr crashed in Milwaukee due to unprecedented traffic at the Republican National Convention? I heard about that. Yeah. What is what is Grindr? Is that an app? That's a dating app.
for gay... Is it gay men or is it just gay people and queer people in general? I don't know if there's a limit. I'm guessing it's probably...
All? Yeah, for LGBTQ. Oh, there you go. That's a better way to say it. Yeah, no, I heard about that. Totally unrelated events. Totally unrelated. RNC taking place and such crazy traffic on Grindr that the whole thing crashed in a specific location area. Unrelatedly. It's weird. Oh, I thought it was Grandeur. I thought it was a Grandeur app. Are you on Grandeur?
Well, yes, I am. Well, it's a dating app for aristocracy. Speaking of RNC, we don't have a president anymore, which is kind of impressive. Well, he is president, but like the president not running. That doesn't happen very often, does it? We don't have a president anymore. He's gone. He walked up to the podium. He was like. How often do presidents not rerun for election? Now, that's kind of that's got to be uncommon. Washington did it for his third term. But, you know, so someone someone else.
That happens. It probably should happen more, but you know. It's hard to appreciate unprecedented historical events taking place in a time where so many unprecedented historical events are happening. I've got a list. Calvin Coolidge, Teddy Roosevelt, Rutherford B. Hayes, James K. Polk, and James Buchanan did not pursue re-election. I thought Lyndon B. Johnson also was in that. I thought LBJ really didn't want to, but ended up doing it because of the war? Uh.
He declared that he would not run again. He announced in 1968 he was not running for re-election. He wasn't on that list. All I've heard lately about Lyndon B. Johnson, which is a lot of surprising amount of discussion, is about his huge penis and about how he would whip it out at any occasion and about how he was as tall as you guys and would use that to his advantage to intimidate people.
His penis was as tall as us or he was? Both, actually. But I'm way wider than his penis was, so I still win. It's six foot four penis thin as a pencil. Six foot four penis around. Oh, God. Wait, okay. You have a six foot four circumference. What's the diameter? Okay, diameter of six foot four.
Four inch circle. The diameter of a circle with a radius, a radius of six foot four would be 152 inches. It would be 24. It'd be two feet wide. If it was six foot four around, it's two feet wide. So more reasonable. I mean, that's average, right? You know that comic strip of the people who walk it like the hole that's shaped like them? I want to see that guy's hole shaped like him.
just him and then a tube going straight down is like a human lollipop it's like a human popsicle shaped hole i like how you call you reduced that manga to a comic strip i don't know much else about it other than that image of people going into their hole the entire works of junji ito have been reduced to the equivalent of a garfield comic strip with a dickhole with it it doesn't have that yet yet
You know what to do. Junji. Come on. Junji, baby. How did we get here? Where were we? Lyndon B. Johnson. Presidents. You mentioned presidents. Oh, you brought us here. This is your topic, Wynn. You guys mentioned Grindr and the RNC. That's what got me there. Oh, well,
Well, I know how to get you there even faster, if you know what I mean. Have you heard of Grandur? Grandur. Well, speaking of nonsense, I have a topic for today and it's nonsense. And so the great, great segue, everybody. Keep it flowing. I have a feeling I can't escape that we've done this before. And I think it's because we will have talked about some of these things before. But you know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of people on the Internet.
asking stupid questions does pineapple belong on pizza what color is the dress is a taco a sandwich all of these things all those are cannoli listen we'll get to that olives are cannolis actually yes stuffed olives definitely are all stuffed olives are definitely cannolis that's an entirely different structure before you stuff them you know what else is in the middle of an olive
A pit. You don't eat the pit. The pit's supposed to come out. You don't have to eat the middle of a canola. You can just eat the crust. You don't have to eat the cream, but it's cream is meant to be eaten. All right. It's not a challenge. Whereas if you eat the pit, you're really tough. No one eats the pits. Maybe the pit of an olive is meant to be eaten. Just not by humanity. Maybe we're saving it for our gourmet alien overlord. He's infected by an alien. I know it.
No, I'm not, man. He just said everything's fine. What are you concerned about? Open your eyes. Anyway, I'm open to you guys. If you have any stupid questions that bother you that come up, we can talk about those too, but I've just... Number one, not olives, but I'm glad we got into the olive things. Olives are cannolis. It's decided. No! I vote yay. No! It's two to one. Mark loses. It's okay, Mark. I'm sure you'll have strong opinions about this one.
I almost died. What did you do? Everything's fine. Is your floor the Rinder farm? How much square footage do you have for standing? What happened? You move like one foot. My headphone cords goes under my desk. So when I turned it like, you know, in Star Wars where they go around the walkers and they tie their legs. Suddenly I was tied up because I turned to throw my beam thing at the door. And I was like, I'm falling and I'm...
I almost died. It's too bad you're not strong enough to break a tidy three millimeter wide wire. I didn't want to break it. That was the problem. So I was trying to be delicate as I was tripping. Ha ha!
A lot happened in a very short span of time. I was cannoli-ing myself. I was roll-ying into a cannoli-ing. You would be a cannoli if you were covered in wire. What if the cream of the cannoli is a lot bigger than the shell? Is it still a cannoli, just the tiny shell and big cream? If you can fit the cream and keep it...
erect. I don't think the cream is, yeah, the cream is not that stiff. The cream is much more flaccid. Let's say you had a shell of cannoli and you just kept creaming. There was just a lot. You'd have to brulee it at some point to keep it
firm. Yeah, there's how what the structure it would be meaningless. It'd be like you just spilled cream everywhere. But would it still count as a cannoli at that point? The cannoli part would. I feel like when you go to pick it up, whatever comes with the shell, that's your cannoli. But then there's just a bunch of extra cream that's just everywhere else. That's not no longer. Are you saying, though, Wade, at some point the cream becomes the dominant portion of the object? Yes. When you cross the cream threshold, is it no longer cannoli?
That's actually called an Ilonek. Editors, play him backwards so people know what he just said. Yeah, that'll read. Or just play Cannoli backwards when you were trying to get your Ilonek.
What are we talking about? Tacos. Tacos are a sandwich. Discuss why I'm correct. Go. Oh, man. Then don't you dare fucking put the cube rule in my face because I'm familiar with it. No, we abolished the cube rule with the cannoli episode. This is actually extremely topical. But a taco is one shell. Isn't a sandwich two pieces of bread? It doesn't have to be two pieces of bread. No, I don't think so. Does that make a hot dog a sandwich? Yes. Oh.
Then yeah, you're fine. Didn't I say hot dog sandwich or did I say taco sandwich? You said taco. Well, I meant to lead with hot dog, but I was going to talk about both our sandwich. Yes, because the original form of bread, as we all know, was some type of pita, right? Something like that. Pita. The horse is here. And what is a pita if not a soft shell, soft tortilla? I am declaring...
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
And another thing! Okay, anyway. A sandwich is not a cannoli. A cannoli is a different thing. Don't conflate this. A taco is a sandwich. A hot dog is a sandwich. A corn dog is a cannoli. Okay, but if the center of any of these things is alive, is it still that thing? He's talking about the bird.
Yeah, no, that was a live baby bird sandwich is what that was. But what if you kept rolling it and it would become a cannoli? Yeah, but it's not there yet. That's a whole different... But it wasn't and it's not. That's a different thing. Well, it might have just been unwrapped for the photo. Maybe it was. I don't want to drag us back to the cannoli thing too hard, but a cannoli cannot be unrolled. The nature of a cannoli is that it is a cannoli and it will remain a cannoli. It does not unroll. Once rolled, it is a cannoli and it will not unroll.
Okay, what if you just bite the top half and then it's exposed to the middle? Is it no longer a cannoli? That's called a cream boat, and that sails along the river of air that leads to my mouth. Okay. And I want to also bring up the famed scholar that we all know the name of, but, you know, rest in peace be his name, who found that the original translation for taco is actually from some...
Country, this is getting offensive. I'm backing out of this. I'm putting all the blame out of the frame of my video. Hey, you got some blame in my video. You got some video in my blame. It's pretty good.
If you keep rolling a sandwich, do you make a cannoli? All right, we're getting really bogged down in the cannoli stuff, but yes. Oh yeah, the answer to your question is, what was the question? A taco, it wasn't a question. It was a bold declaration. A taco is a sandwich. A hot dog is a sandwich. These are sandwiches. It's called making do with what you have. Sometimes you only have one piece of bread.
and you want a sandwich, and you're not going to be stopped by these loose definitions of taco and nonsense, really. You're going to make your sandwich with what you have because not everyone has the privilege of two slices of bread. Hey, I'd make do with you. What was the question? Yeah, Bob, you're right. Thank you.
This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Do you hate phones? So do I. Let's ban phones. Ban phones! Ban phones! Ban phones! Mark, why are we banning phones? What happened? Because they're bad and they're expensive. It doesn't have to be expensive. Do you have Mint Mobile? Have you heard of Mint Mobile for phone service? Have you done this? No.
Unlimited talk and text and data. And it's just 15 bucks a month when you buy a three month plan. You mean like 150? No, like literally it's $15. This is confusing. Mint Mobile has unlimited talk, text and data for $15 a month when you buy a three month plan. God, you know, I just want someone to champ.
Oh, you just want, oh, okay.
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The other one, this is an easy one, but I'm curious what you guys think. Pineapple on pizza. Tell me the correct answer so we could stop talking about this. I don't care. I don't want to see this talked about on Twitter anymore. What is the right answer and why is it yes, pineapple can go on pizza? I love both. I don't want it on my pizza. Are we supposed to defend your bad, bad, bad opinion here? Your stupid, dumb, wrong opinion? You don't have to.
have to defend anything i'm i'm we're settling this if you're both united against me i it might turn out that i'm incorrect that's possible as host i don't accept that but it is possible that is what happened so you guys are both no pineapple on pizza yeah no pineapple no
Is it the sweet? Is it because it's sweet or what? Why no pineapple on pizza? This isn't really a debate show. This is a yes or no show, Bob, and we gave you the no. Do you like barbecue sauce on pizza? Like barbecue chicken? No. Well, that's wrong. If you're going to do anything on a pizza, it would be buffalo chicken, not barbecue.
I prefer pepperoni and bacon and pretty much nothing else. Yeah, pepperoni and black olives for me, please. What? That's been my pizza order since forever. Cannolis. No. That's right. Okay, Mark likes cannolis on his pizza. Got it. Can I regale you? Oh, regale. Yes. May I regale you? Yes. Show me some grandeur. Yes. I was in Iceland. Oh, here we go again. We know.
I've been craving a hankering for reindeer since I got there. That or horse. I would have taken either. Huh? We took a turn somewhere. What? Sorry. Okay. Mark. Mark wants to eat horse. Continue. Regale. Regale. I would love to eat horse. Look. All right. But this is. So, uh.
It's hard to find, hard to get. I got a little bit of horse, like tiny bit this much, but it wasn't really, I couldn't taste it. It was so surrounded by the other things. So there was this other place that had reindeer, right? And I was like, oh, I'll try that. I'll try it at this workshop. Well, I don't think so, but you know, I couldn't tell you. But anyway, it was part of a five course meal. What was the appetizer, children, you monster?
What's wrong with a reindeer? That's, look, you eat what you got. Anyway, this isn't part of the story. The story is I didn't even get to taste a reindeer because they slathered it with like blackberry jam. And I couldn't taste the delicious, savory reindeer, the mouth-watering, delicious reindeer. I would tear into a horse's ass. I didn't get it because I couldn't taste it because too much fruit. Huh?
I don't want no fruit with no meat. And shut up about an olive being a fruit. Shut up about the... Shut up about the olives! An olive is definitely a fruit. You're correct about that. That's definitely true. It's an acceptable fruit, right? Well, so do you like barbecue sauce on anything? Yeah, yeah. Because barbecue sauce is just a fruit sauce that also has some vinegar in it, really. Well...
you know, yeah, but that's besides the point. It's not near pizza. Barbecue chicken pizza is one of the greatest types of pizza there is. Point number one. Point number two. Wade, why don't you like pineapple on pizza? Is it the sweet thing or is it something else? Listen, I'm just a simple guy when it comes to pizza. You give me cheese, you give me pepperoni, you give me bacon, I'm happy. More than that, give me a salad or a fruit salad or something, I guess. I don't know. I don't need any more. Pineapple I love, but like, I like cold pizza.
fresh pineapple. I don't want it cooked. That is something. The warm fruit aspect also is a bit tough to get around. Do you not like the pineapple that you can get at Fogo? The roasted cinnamon coated pineapple thing that they have at the Brazilian Steakhouse? They have the cold salad bar with sliced pineapple. I'll eat the shit out of that. Similarly...
Whoa, new word. Go on, go on. Similarly, there's a lot of like Korean restaurants and fusion Korean stuff that they put sugar in everything where ordinarily the dishes would be traditionally savory or salty. Sugar and water. That's another alien in a skin suit reference. Give me sugar. I don't pack cat. Anyway, continue. It really means the world to me if you can get that back. Hey, that's my truck.
I don't know why that's funny. It was the accuracy. It was the unexpectedness of it, but then the accuracy of the Edgar impression. Underrated. By the way, I was just talking about this with, when I was in Virginia, I was talking about this with everybody. What's his name? Vincent D'Onofrio? Is that the actor's name who plays Edgar? Is that right? Maybe, yeah. That sounds correct. Maybe. He played like Private Pyle. He plays Fisk.
Anyway, that Edgar work, dude, that would be so hard to do just to keep that up. Like the contortion, the way he like moved around. Oh yeah. No, very underrated performance. Just doing like a one line impressions. Kind of like, Oh God, I feel a little like sick, but like the way he would just do a whole scene, like, like, Oh God,
Love it. He really, really seemed like an alien was in his body and not able to move correctly. I don't know how he did it. Is that better? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, what were we talking about? Pineapple? No. Yeah. Give it to me on the side. Yeah. Nah. Nah. Boo. Boo. Ah.
Okay. It's decided. Even though we're wrong, it's decided. This is one I don't have strong feelings about, but apparently comes up a lot. I'm just sort of sick of seeing it. What's the correct amount of ice cream to get on an ice cream cone? You guys have strong opinions about this? Oh, interesting.
Are we talking scoops or are we talking soft serve? I would say let's do scoops. Soft serve is one. You can eat soft serve way faster, but I would say let's talk scoops. Two scoops. Two scoops? Two scoops. That's a lot though. Is it two big scoops or two small scoops? Two normal medium scoops. Not like greater scoops. Two greater scoops would be too much. Can I regale? You're regaling a lot, but I'm going to allow another. No, I actually have a story from my childhood where
that I don't think I've ever told anybody, but I am traumatized against two scoops on cones for a very specific reason. This is absolutely true. My dad worked at an office that was above an ice cream parlor, like an old school ice cream parlor. Oh, fancy. Sorry, go on. Similarly, I also had ice cream once. Look, I'm regaling. I'm regaling. I have the regale. So he had an office that was above an ice cream parlor. Oh, oh, oh.
And so he would give me and my brother money to either go to the Ameristop across the street or the ice cream parlor down below. We ate really healthy. But when I went down there, we went down there a lot. So the owner of the ice cream parlor, who was like this lovely old man, or to me as a kid, seemed like an old man, white hair, just like really friendly, always smiling. That's what I remember. And so one day...
I go down there and as I would go, he would give me bigger and bigger scoops because he was just like, oh, you, you little scamp. There's a little more. And he would always give me two, even though I paid for one. One time I go down there and he gives me my two scoops. And it's huge two scoops. And these other people,
were in there just before me. They ordered one scoop and it was a tiny piddly scoop. So they saw me go up and I was like, "I'll have ice cream please." Cookies and cream or something like that. And they see him put two scoops and they see him charge me for one.
These kids literally started accosting the owner of this ice cream parlor, demanding to know why I got two scoops and they got one. And my scoops were way bigger. They brought up all these indifferences. And meanwhile, I'm just kid there with my two scoops going...
and then they were like to me they were like fists flying everywhere but in reality they were just like hey why did this kid this little kid get two scoops and we only got one and so i uh i don't remember anything happening after that or before that that memory sticks out in my mind as to why two scoops are evil the owner was like well he's markiplier
And they went, oh. And then he was like, you know what? I'm going to get him the octopus, the choc-topus. And then, you know, they turned to me and they said, like, a six-year-old me. I've been watching your videos for 20 years. Oh, it's good to be here. Because what fans say all the time, they'll say they've been watching me for longer than I've been making videos. Anyway, that's it. That's it. I'm done.
I've been watching you since 2007. There was even another YouTuber that I was talking to that said like, yeah, man, I remember when you were really hitting big in like 2010. Man, I was watching you when I was in school and it was just crazy. I was like, oh man, who do they think I am? They're like, you're one of the OG YouTubers. I'm like, oh man, I started five years ago. The only thing we were hitting big in 2010 was the books because we were in college.
Were we? We were. We were. We were. I just don't remember studying a lot. I remember a lot of B-dubs. Okay, so two scoops is too much, is the moral of Mark's story. It's just two scoops is the only amount of scoops that I cannot abide. See, the problem wasn't the two scoops. The problem was they got one. If they'd had two, your story would have had a different ending. Yes, exactly. One scoop wasn't enough, was actually the moral of your story. The moral of the story was injustice, that I should never have...
become friends with the owner. I shouldn't have been as cute as I was as a kid. It's terrible that I earned those two scoops. I should never have. I shouldn't have reached above my station. It does sound like our conclusion is that the answer is two scoops, Mark. He was happy with two scoops. The other kids wanted two scoops.
Everyone wanted the floor to be two scoops. You're right, I guess that is true. You're not traumatized because of how much ice cream there was. You're traumatized because of what happened surrounding the ice cream. But the ice cream was so perfect, it caused that to happen. I see it now. The problem wasn't me having two scoops. It was them not having two scoops. I am looking at it from a selfish perspective. The real problem was the friends we made along the way. I would like to formally apologize. Hey. Hey.
Hey, I made some mistakes. That's my cat. What are my scoops? Okay. All right, Bob, what else you got? You got your shitty pineapple, your shitty ice cream. What else you got? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going, I'm going. This is one I already know the answer to, so I'm hoping you agree with me. Do fish have nets?
And I don't mean physiologically. I don't mean do an X-ray and look at what vertebra they do or do not have. I mean, if you were dressing a fish in a button down shirt, does a fish have a neck or does the shirt go right on their chin? I don't even think fish have heads. They're just mouths.
On bodies. Oh, bold. Would the head be that if the fish is like this, imagine in your mind's eye, everyone, a fish. Ha ha to those who can't, I guess. The eye part to the back of the fish, the tail part. Is that the top head part?
It's obvious to me what the correct answer is. Imagine the side profile of a fish. You stand it upright so that the tail is the legs and the head is the top part. And then the neck is whatever space there is between the fin that's on their side, which is essentially their arm. Mike.
God. Right up under where their gills are because the gills are just ears that can breathe. There's a neck in there. I'll just picture the fish from SpongeBob and they wear shirts. Yes. And they turn their heads and it turned your head neck. Yes. Whoa. Don't Google fish with neck.
I'm going to Google fish with neck. Don't! I have to Google fish with neck, though. What are you so concerned about? Go to the images and start scrolling down if you want. Oh, no! I told you! I see, I see, I see about that. I told you! I don't... God dang! That's not really with as much as it's in. Oh, it's with, all right. It is with that neck. Oh!
I tried to warn you guys. I try to do. Even if I'm warning the people listening right now, I'm warning you. Don't. That's a real. That's a real warning. That's very graphic. Oh, oh, ah, that guy is clearly fine, though.
Yeah, he's not even really bleeding much. It's just so that you don't have to look, I guess, for listeners. It is graphic. Fish have pointy noses and pointy things can go through things and things include necks. And so if you Google this, one of the pictures that comes up more than once is a pointy fish that's interacting with a neck in a way that makes you go, oh, whoa.
Yeah. So don't do it. Don't. Whatever you do, stop. Because I know you were thinking about it. Don't. And this is why I never go near the ocean. Good reason. Good reason. Good reason. What about a lake? Lakes are just shitty oceans. Yeah. Yeah. Do you avoid lakes? I don't know anymore. I don't know what the truth is. Since doing this podcast, I don't even know what my real opinions are.
We're talking about animals and necks. This is another one that comes up. And yes, there is a correct answer to this. Assume that a giraffe needs to wear a necktie. Is the necktie at the top of the neck or at the base of the neck? Where does it go?
All right. So if we're thinking about this, okay, forget the tie. Forget your question. Turtleneck. A turtleneck, right? Yes, sure. If a giraffe had a turtleneck, it would be all the way up, right? That's irrefutable. And then that's the collar of the turtleneck. The base of the collar is where the tie goes. If you flip up a collar, it would just be more collar. But the tie...
goes under the collar okay but when you flip up a collar the collar always like hits you in the bottom of the neck it's really annoying to deal with would a giraffe look good in a turtleneck you think pull it off i think a giraffe would look very learned in a turtleneck this is why ai was made all right so bob let me give you my opinion i agree so far i think comically high at the top but like serious event you know wedding tuxedo bow tie tie it's down at the base of the neck i
I don't know if it's at the top. It really doesn't have the kind of cohesion with the rest of the outfit, because again, where's the collar? The collar? You have to have a pop collar and the pop collar be really tall. The correct answer, obviously, is that the tie goes part of the way up the neck, but not all of the way up the neck.
because the collar, it would be a wide tie and a wide collar, but it would go less than a third of the way up the total length of the giraffe's neck. On people, the collar for a tie goes up your neck a bit, but it does not go all the way up to your chin and it does not sit all the way down on your collarbone. Your tie actually comes kind of where your Adam's apple is almost, depending on how long your neck is and other factors. So the top of your collar does, but the tie sits just a little below.
The tie, the butt, the bulge of the tie comes straight off where the top button of your collar is supposed to be. That's how it's supposed to be. So it would, a tie should be about a third of the way or less up a giraffe's neck. Well, if you think about a giraffe's neck too, the spine and the top are a little bit higher than the base of the neck. So doing it your way, it would be kind of like even with the back of the giraffe. It's dictated by the shoulders. I have something that might help this question.
I have an illustrative example because before I show this, I would like to bring up mermaids. Sure. Oh, dude, I had a big crush on Ariel. Just shells covering boobs? Yes, please. I don't think that's what we're talking about, but... You better not have the reverse mermaid. I hate that. That's not called a mermaid. That's called an invertebrate. Ooh. This is fucking yiffalicious again, dude. Ha ha ha.
Why do you got that on the brain so much? You've been playing it? That's literally what it was, minus the clothes. Well, the clothes are an important part of it. I think that's fair, but... All right, no, go on, Wade. That's it. All right, as you can see, this is a giraffe in a suit. Yep, kind of.
the collar and therefore the tie would be at the base where the shoulders are. If you look at the proportion, that's not the entire length of a normal giraffe's neck. Oh, are you suggesting that the, this is halfway up? The shoulders of the human are massive.
meeting the giraffe's neck, approximately the same area as the shoulders of a giraffe on like Wade was saying, because the spine curves up and they're sort of shoulder joints and stuff. That was the correct proportion. It looked right. That picture looked like it should with a giraffe wearing a tie, but that was not the full length and girth of a giraffe neck. Hold on. I have more evidence. Irrefutable. Yeah, there's six feet around. Oh.
- Around. - All right, check this out and check mate. - That's up the neck. - No, it's look at the shoulders. - I mean like this still supports my position. - Oh wait, what about this? - There's no tie. - That looks wrong. Doesn't that look wrong? Also there's no tie, he's correct. - Well, it's a collar. It's where the tie would be. - Here's the problem with this image. A normal giraffe body, again, the very back,
would start to flatten and curve out, whereas the neck would dip down a little bit more, like Bob was saying. And the neck kind of, if I were, I want to look at just giraffe, normal giraffe. Can't imagine one in your mind? This guy can't imagine giraffes. Even I can imagine giraffes. What are you doing over here, Wade? I don't know, man. Honestly, I didn't realize giraffe necks had a hump. Yeah, they do. There's a big backside hump situation between their shoulders, right? When does the hump become back? At the top of the hump or the base of the hump?
Oh, it's got like fake shoulders. Oh, it's traps. I would say above that is where neck starts. That's kind of my argument. Yeah. The hump on the neck is sort of at the start of the neck in terms of where the fur and stuff makes it look like it. But the neck really is above that. That's all shoulder substructures.
Giraffe is such a weird animal. The longer I'm looking at it, the weirder it gets. Have you ever seen them drink water? No. They they so they're tall, right? And their legs don't really bend very gracefully when they drink water. They stick their legs out straight, but make them as wide as they can. And then they reach their head down between their straight, splayed out legs. And they're all like.
Giraffes look like the first animals that came out on No Man's Sky when it launched. Giraffe is one of the few animals where the actual animal looks like what it looks like when a kindergartner tries to draw it. I think I'm with Bob on the tie, but man, that's a weird. I think it was if it was halfway up the neck, it'd look really dumb, but I don't know.
It's not halfway. It's like a third of the way or less. It depends on how big their traps are more than anything. Oh, so just over the traps? It's over the shoulders. And I'm just arguing that the shoulders includes that sort of hump area. Oh, okay. Well, we're okay. We're all in agreement then. Okay, we're fine. It's less than half and really less than a third of the way up the neck probably. Okay, well, now we know how giraffes should dress. So giraffes take notes.
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I don't know this this last one I feel like I'm gonna lose on Mark haven't you had horse if you ate glue as a kid is all glue horse I didn't I didn't eat glue as a kid all glue is horse but some glue is horse why do you think I ate glue as a kid oh we all know Mark ate glue as a kid that's not really yeah just one of those rumors that I thought was true I
I didn't need glue. I got in a piss fight as a kid. Well, who hasn't? Did you win? I don't know. I'm not sure. There are no winners in a piss fight. That's the rule of piss fight. Ah, I see, I see. All right, this one, like I say, I think I'm going to lose because you guys suck and everyone else sucks and everyone's wrong and I hate everybody. Peanut butter. Peanut butter.
Assuming you don't live with and or spend a lot of time around someone like Ethan who's deathly allergic to peanuts and you do actually have peanut butter around or eat peanut butter. Crunchy or smooth? Smooth. Why? Are you a crunchy man? Why?
everybody look it's a crunchy man crunchy peanut butter is just better peanut butter oh my god i love peanuts i love honey roasted peanuts i love chocolate covered peanuts but you make me a sandwich it's got crunch on it i'm gonna be pissed off yeah nobody likes texture on a sandwich that's what i like is mushy bread with mushy jam and mushy peanut butter hey you leave my mushy bread out of this i like
to pretend i'm already 80 years old and have no teeth and i could just gum everything down so yeah i don't want crunch you don't even have to chew the peanuts and crunchy peanut butter it's just texture they're just so inconvenient what is inconvenient about them there's crunch everything they're harder to spread they're harder to eat it's a surprise that you don't want it's not a surprise if you make it and and or if you ask if i was starving on a deserted island and all i
It was unlimited supply of crunchy peanut butter. I die just like with cannibalism because I'm that tough and hate that and don't want it. What if you spread crunchy peanut butter on people, then they'd cancel out and you could eat that. That's not how food works. Food is only additive. No, wait, sorry. It's a double negative. That actually checks out. I'm sorry. You got negative food over there. You got inverse food. You got the anti food. Huh? Yeah, I got negative food. Hang on. You want to see?
Have you ever watched the Anti-Food Network? No. Have you? This is anti-food, Mark. That's a wrapper. This is a chapstick argument all over again. Chapstick is or is not in a container? It's in a container. It's not a container. The container is part of it. I think it's a container. But if you remove it from the container, it's still chapstick. If you got chapstick without a container, you couldn't use it. How would you carry that around anywhere?
You'd need a container. You hire someone to hold it in their hand and walk behind you. Then you just dab it out. That's a container. That's just a human container. Yeah, exactly. He is containing the chapstick. If you have chapstick, you use it all up and you're like, oh shit. All I got left is a big nothing. But like milk's always in a container, but a container is not a crucial part of milk. Yes, it is.
If you spray milk on the ground, it's still milk. If you went to a store and you were like, I need milk. And they were like, here's a 30,000 gallon vat of milk. Take as much as you want, but you can't put it into a container. You couldn't fucking.
- You couldn't fucking get any milk, could you? - Yeah, you could. You just put your face in there and start slurping. - I am not over this. Chapstick is at least partially a container. - What if chapstick is on your lips? Do your lips count as a container? - It is containing the fluid.
That is post-use. That's like arguing that milk that you're pissing into the toilet doesn't need a container because it's piss now. I don't know. It's still chapstick on my lip because I can scrape it off and put it on you. No, because it absorbs into your skin or gets wiped off. It's chapstick as it gets used. Historically, the milkman, the milkman went door to door with a fucking milk hose. And as soon as you were sucker enough to open that door, boom!
Hold out your babies. The milk hose is coming. Hold up. Get your put the milk funnel in your baby's mouth so it could get in there. Hold it up. Dude, Homelander would be eating good. I'm familiar with who that is, but I don't watch that show. He's bad, right? He's like evil Superman. Is that his character? He drinks. No, it's more booby milk that he likes. It is booby milk. He likes. Is a boob a container? I would not say it's primarily a container, but it certainly acts as one. Anyway, I'm not over the chapstick thing, and I'm glad you brought that up.
Happy to do it. Anyway, but I'm not on your side with the crunchy peanut butter. It's just an abysmal experience. Well, you're both wrong. And as host, I usurp this one. Crunchy peanut butter is the right kind of peanut butter. Here's my thing against peanut butter in general, not the allergy side aside. Peanuts are not a complete protein. Peanuts are missing an essential protein. I don't remember which one. That's why you add jelly.
A lot of protein and jelly. They don't have methionine, which is an essential amino acid, one that your body cannot produce. So all the claims of like, this peanut butter has this many grams of protein. Some of that is usable, but if it doesn't have one of the essentials, like your body can't synthesize to make up that gap. I already have two methionine. Just...
Give him the point. I know you're going to give him a point for that. I know you're going to do it. He's writing. He's writing. I knew it. I wasn't going to, but if you're going to say give him the point. No, you were already writing. You were already writing before I knew it. I'm the missing protein you need in your life, Mark. You can have my thigh and my knee. I missed the first character.
Say the joke as the alien. My thigh and the knee. Got them both. See, Mark likes it now. Smooth like peanut butter. You gotta work your way up if you want the crumb. Don't bite my dick. What? Hum? Anyway, what's next? We win? Did I win? Anyway,
Anyway, crunchy peanut butter is the correct one. But I'm with you, Mark. You know what? Is there a nut that you could make a butter from that is? I'll give you a nut. I think sunflower is complete. And sunflower butter actually does taste very good. I believe it. I love sunflower seeds. It's too bad that if you just like one handful, it's like a thousand calories. Just like your entire day's nutrition can be getting out of like a tiny jar. Yeah, one cup.
has 72 grams of fat 28 grams of sugar and or carbs and 29 grams of protein how is there fat in a sunflower seed what are they doing it's all fat it's like all fat dude flowers love that shit but yes it's it is complete it's probably uh low in one or something like that most most times anything that's not if if it's like plant-based proteins typically it is missing like one of the essential amino acids if it is complete that's why if you're vegetarian or vegan it's important to
plan your diet so that you have complementary protein sources. And don't forget your meat. Yeah, you vegans out there, don't forget your meat. Come on. What if instead of dirt, you planted flowers in meat? I think that's called a mushroom.
That's crazy. Anyway, I had one more, but now it feels mean to get into. Oh, maybe it'll be quick. You know what? Maybe we'll just do this one quick. I feel like there's a right answer. Some of us here are one of these things and one of us here is the other one of these things. So we're going to have to pick a side. But is it better to be tall or short? Yeah.
How short, how tall? I would say like one standard deviation away from the median of... So like the average height in America, the average height of like a guy is like 5'10".
If you're like just over six foot or like five, six, five, seven or something like not, not as even as tall as Wade and I are. Cause I would say Wade and I are pretty up there in pushing six, four, six, five territory. Like if, if five 10 is average, then it would be like five, six or six, two, because the answer is very clear in that, in,
in that answer six two it's it's tall right for sure but as that grows well i don't know i'm not 100 sure which one comes with more i i already feel like as tall as i am is on the edge of i almost would rather be short and just from like hitting my head on things fitting into like
cars, like passenger compartments and airplane seats. My width is a separate issue from my height, but my knees don't ever fit anywhere they're supposed to. If there's a seat where there's something in front of it, my knees are going to hit the absolute fuck out of whatever is in front of me. It's going to, it's going to hurt. It's not, I'm not going to fit right. I would rather be, so if I'm six, I'm six, four. So that would mean I would be like five,
That's because we let a bunch of like Napoleon syndrome, tiny CEOs design these fucking planes and like maximize number of occupants rather than comfort. If we got to rule the world, Bob, that wouldn't be a problem. Do you think the CEOs are designing the planes? Definitely. The engineers are like, this is what it should be. And they're like...
Fit more people. I'm only 5'1". So here's the thing. One of the benefits of being average height is everything's made for me. So I think I can speak to that idea. I do fit pretty much everywhere that is designed to fit a bunch of people. However, that being said, I flew coach...
One of the last times I was flying around and usually I do comfort plus. I was just like, I'll do comfort plus. That'll be nice. It's nice. It gets real crammed in there in the back. It is even me. My knees were touching the front, the next seat in front of me. Cannot do it. I can't sit and coach it.
And it's like, you guys couldn't fit back there. You just couldn't. It is full manspread. And then whenever they come by with the cart, literally I always get, like, my knee is fucking rammed into by the drink cart every time. Yeah, no, that's, I can't manspread. I actually have to fold my legs in and then back so that my thighs, like, point down and my knees tuck under. Oh, God.
God, because if I if I go any wider, the cart just absolutely fucking tears the skin off the side of my leg. Or like every person that tries to go past touches me all the way down, which I hate. So I actually sit I sit down and then cross my legs and then tuck them up under myself so that my legs are kind of angled down. And like, damn, it's horrific. I can't. It's awful. Your testicles in a vice just.
Oh, that, that, the rest is so uncomfortable. I barely even noticed that, but yes, those long gone for the tiny dick syndrome designers who are like maximize number of occupants rather than comfort. A hundred percent probably better to be short, but why are you so insulting to the designers? Wade fucking hates engineers because people,
who make planes with no fucking room to sit are monsters. You're right. We should move to the standing coach model or the bicycle model we designed back on three peens where we just pedal where your kids are in a separate compartment when you're threatening your kids lives if you don't pedal enough. No. Yeah. The kids are on the wings and drop. Oh, no. Yeah, they were in the cargo bay and above the drop doors for the bomb because it's a decommissioned B-42. Fuck. B-52.
But the King's Island King Cobra seat is actually the correct solution. Well, anyway, tall it is. I feel like we decided lots of good stuff. Crunchy peanut butter, two scoops of ice cream, no pineapple on pizza. I'll concede that one. That's fine, I guess, even though it's very hypocritical and I think bullshit. Tall is good. All kinds of good. And so just public announcement, then if you're on the Internet, you don't get to fucking discuss any of these.
anymore these are all decided as your uncle's second favorite podcast we have the internet authority to just put these rulings out there so no more debates about this anywhere on the internet thank you i appreciate that this is an episode for our thinkers we've had watchers listed this for the thinkers no more thinking next episodes for the feelers oh that's what i was gonna say next episodes for the feelers that's the next oh babe i'm
I disagree. Well, it's a good thing I probably won, so. That seems false. We'll see about that, won't we? Anyway, here we go. Mark, you got points for, that's all I had. Being humble with a question mark. Help! Help! This. Alarm.
A lot of this. Six foot four around. Near death spin around. Fuck you and your culture. Regaling us. Just row. I don't know what that one means. Regaling us again. Ha ha ha. Aphantasia. Fish neck. Fish neck.
Tall points. Congratulations. And piss fight points. Oh, thank you. Man, that doesn't paint a very good picture of me this episode. Wade, you got points for high. It's relatively simple. Being an alien. You like dumb things. I'm a dumb thing. Artists, you know. Grandeur. Olives are cannoli. Revelation. And well, wait.
Uh, also flirting with me. Your unbelievable Edgar impression. That's Markiplier. Kissing my ass. No man's giraffe. Double...
Fuck. I always make fun of you for having bad handwriting, but I don't really know what that is. And also, Mathai and Maniz. Mark, you got a total of 14 points over the course of this episode. And Wade, in the stunning revelation, you earned a total of 15 points over the course of this episode. Which means that Wade is the winner!
Was it the dumbass Matthai and the knee one? Was it really that? It was really the one that broke the giraffe's hump. It really was. You had a lot of pushback on the giraffe tie situation, Mark, which was unfortunate because I think we all ultimately were in agreement on that one. But that was a good... I'm glad we said all that. If I see anyone debating these things online, I'm going to fucking come delete your internet.
editors cut a sentence off it i'm gonna fucking come i'm gonna fucking come just cut it right there congratulations wade and condolences to mark uh let's do a winner speech first thank you so much for having me there's no need to debate because well we're here your new alien overlords we've already decided everything for you anyway so don't waste your breath just start making things that we like we'll all be happy
Okay. Mark, loser speech. The only thing I got to say to those alien sons of bitches is the only thing we're going to make for you is a bunch of lead. And it's going to go. Don't worry. Delivery is going to be express next day or a.m. Delivery before 9 a.m. It's coming right at you to your doorstep. Signature required. Like lead based paint. That sounds good. Thanks.
Yeah. You're going to get a bullet this big right to your dome. Is a bullet a cannoli? The bullet is a cannoli because it's got a full metal jacket. Anyway, congratulations. That means Wade's going to host the next one. Make sure you check out our merch at distractiblestore.com. Check out Mark and Wade at Markiplier and LordMinion777 or Minion777. And mine is out there too. Just Google Mark's friend.
It'll come up. And yeah, I'll delete your internet and I'll come. Don't talk about these topics ever again. Okay. Bye-bye. Podcast out.