The Election Episode
54:29 Share

This podcast is brought to you by PayPal. The discussions on this podcast may not always be the smartest, but you know what is smart? The new PayPal. I don't have a joke. I literally use PayPal all the time. I actually also just use it. I don't know how to make that funny, though. Like, all my funny stories are about when things don't work. You know, when a fridge destroys my entire house. That sort of thing. It's okay, guys. You could just say that PayPal is smart. That's fine. No, no, no. It's like a money catapult that throws your money at...

the people that need it. Yes, that's good. You guys did great because you can pay with PayPal everywhere online and in store. It is great. And you'll even earn 5% cash back on up to $1,000 spent in a category you choose each month when you pay with the PayPal debit card. Make sure you check out the new PayPal. Every payment, everywhere, every time. Don't just pay. PayPal. This card is issued by the Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license by MasterCard International, Inc. and may be used everywhere MasterCard is accepted.

This episode of Distractible is brought to you by Amazon. Did you know the holidays are in like, like a little bit, like coming up? Which is why I wait till about, I don't know, December 10th and I go online and then I'm like, the first thing I find that makes me think of somebody, I'm like, buy it, send it, ship it,

Done. Does it really matter how you gift? I don't think so. There's something for everyone on Amazon. Shop Black Friday week starting November 21st for deals on toys, home, sports, outdoor, and more at amazon.com slash holiday deals. This episode is brought to you by Batman Arkham Shadow, available only on MetaQuest 3 and 3S. I'm just excited to be able to use Batman's gadgets. Shock glove punch the rat king. Just...

The Bat vs. The Rat. That's gonna make for some really good headlines. Become the Knight. Batman Arkham Shadow is included when you buy MetaQuest 3 or 3S. Available now? Learn more at BatmanArkhamShadow.com. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractibles.

This episode. Magnific Mark misses Nick's legs, quits gambling, wonders about the cruise, and alleges Elon annihilated Antarctica. Bunny-loving Bob has ornithological barren observations, berates Big Boy for rent-a-rears, and pees geometric shapes. Weariful Wade touts Viagra for droopy, gores Big Al, and doubts Spider-Pig's scientific standings. From fap sessions to horny hogs.

Yes! It's time for the election episode. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Welcome, everyone, to a very somber distractible. A very serious distractible. You know when like a PBS show would come in and there would not be the happy-go-lucky music and all the bright color for opening it. It would just be some guy sitting there having a good time.

Listen, things are all explodey right now and

We're here to just tell you it's okay in the scariest way possible. That's what I'm trying to do right here. It's working because, yeah, I was like, man, only in the worst of events do I remember it being like that. This is the time. Three weeks later from when the day that it is because we're so far ahead in our recordings because we're such efficient, efficient boys that we are on the pulse of the news and we here are with Distractibles live election result discussion. I voted today.

Wow. I did too. I'm just a show off. I brought another shirt in case we didn't want to date the episode. No, we're dating. Oh, good. What a crazy election it will be and was and is. The results of which resound across all time, even here in the future past. Isn't this just the future future? No, we're in the past of their future. We're in the past of ours.

our own future for their present. Ow. How did you hurt yourself? You're sitting at a desk. I'm fine. Don't worry. Okay. Listen, my name is Markiplier, or maybe it's not anymore. I don't know who I'll be in this future present experience.

coexistence that we have, the changes that we're going to affect to the future will ripple. And this will be the only surviving message from a past that no longer exists because the future that you're listening to this branched off from a causality effect that broke the universe. Wow.

The only two surviving members of the human race along with me from this branch of the timeline are Bob and Wade. Is this like Interstellar? Exactly like Interstellar. Okay. No, I understand what's happening now then. Oh, that's really awkward that the knocking on the wall came during a FAP session then. No!

Sorry. Don't go. Don't. Don't do it. I don't know if that joke will make the cut, but... Why wouldn't it? Why wouldn't it make the cut? I don't know. That's pretty raunchy even for me. This is a selective show, Mark. What do you mean, why wouldn't it? Now, Bob will sing a rendition of Wet Ass Pussy.

is that a song and now baltimore will sing a rendition of wet ass pussy there's some hoes in this house there's some hoes in this house there's some hoes in this house yeah who's in the house it's it's important for us to say i hope baltimore has gotten his channel back by now because once again finger on the pulse this is very far in the future but also it's right now baltimore apparently has been super hacked which sucks it's

It's fixable, though, as long as the right people start doing the right things. Well, I sent a message because I have a contact at YouTube and, you know, he's very nice and he's very good. I'm not trying to call him out or anything. I said like, hey, Baltimore's channel has been hacked and also his Twitter, but you can't really do anything about that. And they're like, oh, OK, well, we'll escalate it. All right. He should be getting a reset email very soon. And I go, yeah, I think his email's been compromised, guys, because it's kind of Google and YouTube's the same thing.

Email that you have for that thing. Yeah, anyway, I think they're going to fix that. Ignore the flashing lights on my face. What the fuck?

Mark, I think the rave is leaking in from behind the camera. I'm remote desktopping into three computers and they're installing things. So they're just... Ah, reboot system. It was done. Okay. That's weird. You're still doing that in the future. Past. Look, I'm trying to save that preserve our timeline. The work that I'm doing right now is what keeps our psychic waveforms preserved as they go forward into time. The signal that...

Are you trying to say denigration or degradation? Yes, that's one. Yes, degradation is what I was saying. The Dagobah system? The signal Dagobah. It's from Dagobah. It's coming from the Dagobah system. It is. Is it accelerating or something? I don't know. Pretend I said something good. Oh. Oh.

This is true. Yeah. How are you guys in the future past? Being that I know now that we are in the future past, it explains a lot why I feel the way that I do, because I feel like I am was in the now then future.

I'm tired and for no reason because the baby finally has he's been sleeping really well. He put himself to bed last night for possibly the first time ever and woke up and put himself back to sleep. That's not that crazy for the baby of his age, but for our baby of our baby's age, he doesn't do that shit normally. So it's been oh, we have a bunny in the yard. You guys ever have a concerning bunny live in your yard? We have a couple different rabbits that live under like a tree.

concerning bunny it's concerning because we have a window in the our stairs is cut into like two flights to go from the main floor to upstairs and there's a big window on the stairs out the window there's just a bunny laying out in the middle of our yard in the grass not hidden not in a bush not there's no hole or

burrow or anything. She's just laying there and she doesn't move. But unless people go out there and get like go towards her, then she's all and runs away. But there's literally a little bunny shaped ass print in our lawn. And so we were like, does she have is there babies in there? No, there's not. Is she injured?

She seems fine. She seems like she can go whenever she wants to. This bunny has just decided to live in the middle of the grass in the middle of our yard in the wide open area. I don't understand why this is not a normal behavior as far as I can tell. It's just weird. So it's a concerning bunny because it's like, what are you doing, bunny? Like, why are you just watching staring at the house? I don't

I don't know. It's concerning. Maybe the bunny is looking at you and is like thinking the same thing. Like, what the hell are you guys doing? Hey, it's my house. I can do whatever I want just because I like to run up and down the stairs naked at three in the morning. See if any of my neighbors notice doesn't mean it's her business. Do you do it until a neighbor notices? No, I just do it like every night at the same time to see if anyone ever says anything about it. It's an interesting game because I think even if they do notice, some of our neighbors are not likely to bring it up. They'll just pretend it's not happening. But I'm curious which ones will say something.

Do you ever, like, show off pictures of your house and they're just, like, accidentally, like, your thigh in one of them or something? I wish. But it's full rear roll? Full back roll? What's the opposite of frontal? Back knoll. Back shots. Somehow your full back knoll in your mirror reflection, like, you took the picture with the phone behind your head so you knew you'd be in the mirror, but it's just all...

That's not even illegal. We've got this guy. Whoa! Is that some kind of bird? It's a tree! Yeah, it's like a hawk. It's a pigeon hawk. It's definitely a tree. Yeah, there's a tree, but there's a bird. And that bird, I was outside with the dogs, and I heard something fall, and I was like, damn, squirrel's trying to kill us again. And I looked up, and that bird, I think, was taking a dump, trying to see if it could hit Presley. Because Presley was sniffing around right under it, and I kept hearing noises, and the bird was just like...

like looked away whenever i looked up at it was like oh you piece of you're trying to on my dog i'm sure yes actually yeah i'm pretty sure that uh that hawk and i are fighting now i'll go in but we're fighting now you guys ever seen the way that um i think it's peregrine falcons hunt it's really mean

they they dive bomb basically right they're very fast they travel insanely fast but one of the one of the tactics they use in hunting is they dive at small creatures and they don't try and like hurt them necessarily or grab them they just dive bob them and smack the out of them and there's if you look it up there's all these clips of peregrine falcons going into like a super fast dive bomb and just like kicking a little bunny in the head or something

And they try and stun them. And so they basically just kick the shit out of these little creatures until they're like so stunned and out of it that then they can go in and try and eat them or whatever they do. But it's real mean because it kind of just looks like the falcon is just like, bitch.

ha, I'm too fast. Like they just fly in and out. It's like, man, that's messed up. It's impressive. Like it's impressive how fast they go, but it's, it's, it's a little messed up. Yeah. Not seeing birds hunt like that. I think I saw a pelican with a fish once. I saw a seagull with a French fry. Ah, classic seagull prey. All right. Who's got the most interesting bird with a food object? We got seagull with a French fry.

I've seen a penguin with an electric guitar. Holy shit. Is that a food object? You know that huge baby penguin? What's his name? Bungus? Yeah, Bungus. He has an electric guitar sometimes. I had a blue and gold McCall holding a cat by the tail. Was it flying? The cat? No. No.

It's a cat, dude. What kind of question is that? You're right. I have seen an ostrich with an emu on its back or maybe an emu with an ostrich on its back. I can never tell the difference. What were they eating? Like a drive-thru or something? I don't know.

I don't know. It looked like some Donda script takeout pizza. That wasn't really the cool part. Weirdly enough, the, the penguin with the guitar doesn't qualify as food. It's very cool, but not pertinent. And the emu on an ostrich or vice versa, or maybe it was like, you know, an emu and an ostrich doing like the thing where they're kind of back to back and they keep flipping their legs over and over. There's a very banjo Kazooie type relationship. Yeah. It doesn't pertain to, um, that, uh,

Wait, did the peregrine falcon or whatever it was eat the cat? No, they were both our pets. We used to have a blue and gold macaw named Sydney and our cat used to go try to attack it and Sydney would like nip at the cat's tail and got it one time. Didn't cut it off, thankfully, but it did like...

We used to hand feed her bananas too. I don't know. She would say banana, banana. We just give her a banana. I saw this leggy blonde bird down three dry martinis at the bar. There's alcohol food. Well, that's a question I'm not qualified to answer. The bar was called the Pink Flamingo. How leggy? How many legs? The correct number of legs. They just went all the way up. Legs up to the top of her top.

And face down to there. Face down to there? Where? She had face for days. She has a mid-face that rivals even yours. You know the movie... You're gonna cut me off at the pass. I don't know, you're gonna say my joke, Chris. Oh, the movie, come on, I didn't mean to cut you off. There's something about the movie Long Legs, I don't know, I don't feel like it. So Long Legs, I was gonna say, I haven't seen the movie, but I keep going, Daddy! Mommy! Mommy!

whatever else he says i can't remember is that from that movie or you just like to say that yeah that's that's one of the big that was in like the i don't even know if it was in the trailer but it's one of the things that clips that got popular from the movie because that's i've seen that a bunch also oh this movie just came out this year i was like this must be some old movie i've never heard of came out this last year

It's Nicolas Cage, so, I mean, I've watched pretty much all of Nicolas Cage's shocky horrors. It's got an 86% on Rotten Tomatoes and 68% of people like this movie. It's well-reviewed, but I think from what I've heard, it's not really the most enjoyable. It's kind of one of those movies where you go like, oh, I don't know, but I haven't seen it.

Mommy, unbaked beans. I don't know what your last words are, but it sounds like unbaked beans. I didn't know either. Unmake me is what he says. I had to see captions because it's literally said, unbaked beans. I thought it was, Daddy, Mommy, I like baked beans. Unbaked beans. It would be a whole other movie if it was about baked beans. Gotta go to the bathroom. Unbaked beans. First direction, unbaked beans. Unbaked beans.

Oh, friends popping over for a spot of chat and ketchup? I'll make tea! Hey, do I need to cook this pie at home? I'll bake free! Oh, God, I drank my icy too fast. Freeze! Freeze!

Nicolas Cage in this movie? I make bees. That makes sense. No, no, it didn't, but it was still funny somehow. Long legs in Sequoia National Park? I make trees. Trying to be hip with the kids? OMG. He's reaching for a tissue box? I make sneeze. I can't tell if this is funny or not. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Blood on the leg. A scraped knee. Dumbest joke that we've laughed the hardest at in a while. He's finished at a restaurant. A jack, please! Ow, I pulled some. I'm old. I'm doing good. My render farm is rendering. It's very powerful and it takes a lot of electricity. You're in the future now, so maybe it takes less. No, more. But you got your solar all fixed, probably, right? I don't.

I bought a 30 foot pole, but then I hesitated or I didn't hesitate. I didn't hesitate at all. That's the wrong word. Forget I said that word. I underestimated how unwieldy a 30 foot pole is because when you have extended all 30 feet, it's not only extremely heavy at that mechanical leverage disadvantage, but

But also the pole itself just goes... Just droops all the way everywhere. And so it's really easy to whack it on things. And, you know, solar panels aren't exactly the most... They've got things to help with droopy poles. What? Viagra. Viagra.

Not sponsored. I don't think. You don't think? I don't know. It's the future, man. Who knows? You know, Mark, I'm surprised that this episode, three weeks in the future, you're talking about the big day today being the election. But for you, there's a bigger reason today is a big day. NFL trade deadline, sports podcaster. Oh, yeah.

oh yeah the bangles made a trade already at least one which they never do they get rid of t no they acquired a running back from chicago for a seventh round pick that doesn't sound like a thing that we need but okay you know the offense has really been struggling so they thought they would boost it up and say screw that defense we really kept having a hell of a time establishing our run game except for last game i mean to be fair it's against the raiders but

but hey lots of content from that nfl trade deadline i'll bet you're you got a lot out of there i sure did but i don't like to talk about all of my massive massive sports bettings which are massive and i do all the time quote me on this for sure don't please i disavow that past i've changed i'm

I'm a new man. I apologize for my former behavior. This was a big, like three seconds. Look, the timelines are converging. They're going. Love to gamble. Don't do it anymore. Never did. Forgive me for what I did. I moved on. I'm better now. I'm going back in. I'm done. Look, it's, it's, uh, the, I live a roller coaster of emotion so that I can average out a perfectly boring life. And so I go for that average. Uh, but today, you know, who's not going for that average. Oh man. Three weeks from now. Um,

Al Gore? What was the question? It was more of a rhetorical thing. I was trying to do a terrible segue of, you know who's not going for that average? But Al Gore is the current contending answer for that. Bob, do you have a competing answer for that? Bungus the Penguin who plays electric guitar? You're right. He's way above average. He's not going for average. We got Bungus the Penguin. You got it. Nailed it.

So we all know the results of what happened. We know the country that we're living in right now. We know what it is, except...

We don't. So whatever we say in this episode is not true unless it is, and then it's sadly ironic looking back on anything that we say. So take this episode with a grain of salt. It is not going to be a serious political discussion in any way. We hope you vote Tid. Who's Tid? I didn't vote for Tid.

no no ted cruz oh god all right here's the over and under oh voted you just said voted in a weird way i hope you vote i can never tell if you're doing a bit or if you're actually just honestly confused anymore the way he said voted was like the emphasis was so wrong i hope you voted do you think do you think we still have ted cruz do you think he's still with us i didn't

know he was up for election in Ohio. No, I'm just I'm just I'm so curious because I've heard I've heard that nobody likes him. I mean, it's hard to imagine why anyone would like him even in Congress. I don't know if this is true or not. It might have just been a comedian's joke, but it's like even

his own party members, even worst enemies will hide in rooms when they know he's coming down the hall. And I don't know if that's just a presence thing or an odor thing or just like he'll start talking at you and that's bad enough. Can we start spreading rumors? I heard he smells real bad. I do. You know what? At this point, we're in a separate timeline. I'm not going to

I've disavowed everything at the beginning of this. We are immune from any criticism because of the disclaimer I made earlier in this episode. So I think that we can say whatever we want. Ted Cruz is probably a little stinky. I don't know. Bob, do you hear a lot about him? I don't hear a lot about him myself here. I mean, I hear a bit about Ted Cruz. He's pretty covered nationally. I always just like to imagine that people don't want to talk to him because they know he's about to start telling them more stories about his most recent trip to Cancun. Yeah.

wait do you know about that is that a joke because his last name's cruz no oh he's the cancun guy i remember that story yeah i just anytime anything happens that's what he does right in this he's been busy so i just imagine that his colleagues on the hill are just like god i need to hear another story about how pale he was on the beach on his jet ski just hide in here hide in the cloak room the cloak room a

And the cloakroom is a place. It's not a good hiding place because there's a cloakroom for each side of the aisle, I think, outside the chambers. Is it where they hang cloaks? Or is this like the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe type cloak? Cloak got the White House sponsorship. Oh, wow. Hey, your ass. Ha ha ha!

They go in there and there's just a bunch of cloak merch on the walls. President comes out like the FNAF cloak combo. Look, the government contracts are where the money is. That's where you really, really want it. I heard that Mitch McConnell's been trying to talk you guys up about a McConnell Palpatine crossover art thing, but it's really hard to get the licensing for that sort of thing. Yeah.

It's great, though, for the snipers in the U.S. military. They're hidden in plain sight. I know, right? It's a huge advantage. The military branch of Cloak will, when the secrets come out about that, it will bury me. But for now, I am enjoying the rewards of these contracts. They are lucrative. But yes, okay, so was it or was it not crazy that Elon immediately activated his Starlink orbital laser network and wiped out

Which country do I say? I don't know, man. This is your bit. Who do you want to take off the map, Mark? I thought you were going to say you're just going to wipe out the offices of the NLRB or something. What's the NLRB? The National Labor Relations Board. The people who get you in trouble if you treat your employees like they're indebted servants and that sort of thing. Yeah, and then impregnate the other half. Whoa.

Whoops. I don't know what's happening anymore. All right. So he activated a horrible laser and wiped Antarctica off the map to fight global warming. Oh, it was a cold move. It turned Antarctica into a bunch of crushed ice, thus lowering the global temperature by a few degrees. Like the kind that Frisch's has, like vanilla Coke. Exactly. This is unrelated. A bunch of Frisch's are closing in Cincinnati. I'm really sad about it. Buy them.

Did you see there's a big pile of the big boy statues that's just like locked up behind a gate somewhere? So a small group of people were like, we should get these things released and set them up around town like the flying pig statues. I'd rather have the restaurants back myself. I don't ironically enjoy fishes. That's a good restaurant. Okay, wait, I'm Googling the big boy pile.

Oh, I did. Wow. It was exactly what I said. They're not in a pile. Statue graveyard is a more apt description of it. I don't know why is that circled? What? Why is there a red circle on top? Oh.

Because the Tin Man's dick is also in there. Oh, no. They were like, hey, we should get these big boy statues. Hey, that looks like a penis. We should get these big boy statues out of here. Yeah, it's not a pile, but definitely one's tipped over. I mean, they're a little pile-y. As much as you could pile something like this, it's a pile-ish. You know, I'm surprised there hasn't been a horror game about this particular mascot, because I've always thought, even when I was a kid, that this statue was...

terrifying. No, I feel that. Because it's like a child holding a giant hamburger. So like not only is a kid is huge, but that burger is even is too big for that child. Who is getting that burger? There's so many questions that I have that are unanswered. And also, why do they have the greatest soup and salad bar? They do have a pretty good one. I like their fish meal, too. There are still some of them. They're not all gone. They're just...

Look at that one on the ground sleeping with a cheeseburger pillow foot kicking out to make sure no one comes in to disturb. He's just laying there holding the gate shut, keeping their privacy. And is it just me? Or is like if you're looking at the circle and you're facing it to the bottom right, is that one in the back especially scary? Oh, yeah.

Oh, that one is horrifying. The one where all you can see is some of the face. That one's somehow scarier than the rest. It doesn't have eyebrows is the problem. Maybe that's why. Yeah, so if you were in a horror game, it would be like 90% of these are not moving actual statues. That's the real one. That's the real one that's going to come after you when you turn your back.

If somebody makes a Frisch's big boy horror game and we play it, can we save the Frisch's franchise so I can get the... Dude, they have the best vanilla Coke on the planet. It makes the Coca-Cola vanilla Coke cans look like garbage. Isn't it because they just make it like you're supposed to, like the old school way where they just put real vanilla in it? I don't know, but they have like the crushed ice that floats on the top of the cup. They have the fun cups to hold. And I don't know, their Coke. It's like people about how good McDonald's Coke is. I think Frisch's vanilla Coke is better than that.

by far. Interesting fun fact. So Frisch's uses those red Coca-Cola cups, right? That's like the one of the sort of like restaurant standards. Yeah. That has like the ripply outside texture. You can buy those. That is a patented design. You can buy those red restaurant grade cups online. I didn't know this, but apparently the plastic they make those out of because they're very thin plastic cups. So it seems like they're just like not that special. Apparently that plastic is a very relatively high insulation rating. Yeah.

Even though it's a thin plastic cup, it actually does keep your drink colder longer because it's a special kind of insulating plastic stuff. I don't know what you're talking about.

about i know what you're talking about share it i don't want to it's like those red cups that like a lot of restaurants use it's a specific kind of thing it's a patented design yeah yeah they kind of look like the uh old school police siren red things but upside down and you drink out of it like

Like a cup. Anyway, I didn't mean to distract us from this important three week old stuff, but I wanted to talk about Frisch's. I don't even remember what we were talking about. No, hold on. I was, I had a point to make. Ted Cruz stinky. This is so like a niche Ohio problem. I guess the rest of the viewers and listeners don't really care about my Frisch's woes, but man. Big boy is in other places. I don't know if they're closing elsewhere or not, but they being evicted. I think, I think the word, I think they were being evicted is what it was. Evicted. Why big boy clothes? Why big boy clothes?

Oh, they were facing eviction because they failed to pay millions in rent. Well, that sounds less unfair with all of the context, but... I forget what I was going to say, but it was very important. I think the timelines are starting to get disassociated. Okay. Do you think that blasting Antarctica off the face of the earth was the right move?

Genius move? I mean, it may have been if Al Gore wasn't there saying, I invented the internet right as it happened, trying to save the one Antarctican tree. You know, this is what I always wonder, because I know that's a joke. And I believe that he probably said that. Did he actually say that, though? Because I start to question everything I've ever heard. Because the internet nowadays, you can actually, like, get video, but also, like, in the near future with, like, AI-manipulated videos, it's going to be even harder. Back then, when that happened, you just had to wait until the news cycle would play it again. It's not like you had it.

Like the original time he said it. I like had a stroke. Who said what? Al Gore saying he invented the internet.

Oh, it's such a meme. It's a meme, but it's like, I don't even know. It's a tragedy that Antarctica had to get blasted into cubed ice. But just think about all of the cute penguins floating around on chunks of said ice. There's a whole new tourist industry of boat cruises through penguin ice flows. That's true. So like you used to have to venture onto the continent. Now it's just penguins stranded in the middle of the ocean all over. Oh,

Ooh, that's cute. Do you want to hear Gore's quote? Absolutely.

I'll be offering my vision when my campaign begins. It will be comprehensive and sweeping, and I hope that it will be compelling enough to draw people toward it. I feel that it will be, but it will emerge from my dialogue with the American people. I've traveled to every part of this country during the last six years. During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the internet. I took the initiative in moving forward a whole range of initiatives that have proven to be important to our country's economic growth and environmental protection and improvements in our educational system. So his sentence, or part of his quote was, I took the initiative in creating the internet. Hmm.

So I'm assuming what he actually meant was like he helped ask some bill or something. Can we have internet? Yeah. I'm not saying that Al Gore is the perfect person in the world, but... I know nothing about him other than that quote. You don't know anything else about him? He ran for president. He did. There's probably more to that story, but he did run for president. That's all we need to know anyway. And he didn't win? Question mark? He did.

Didn't he though? And that's where that quote comes from. A Gore and a Bush are worth two on the ballot. Have you ever seen Al Gore and George Bush in the same place at the same time? Yes. I mean, no. Sorry. Sorry. I misread the tone. Well, there is one right answer. And one of you said, and I'll write down who. Yeah. Antarctica. That sucks. They had probably a few people, animals and ice. Melty ice. Probably. Oh man. I hear the water flowing. But yeah.

What the fuck was that? I think Wade might be suffering a little bit of decline. I've really gone over the hill in the last three weeks. Here, I'll pose it to you this way, Wade. If you had a button to activate the Starlink Laser Orbital Barrage Network and they were all pointed at Antarctica right now, would you press that button?

No, Antarctica's done nothing wrong to me. Now, if it was aimed at Pittsburgh. Okay, if it was aimed at Pittsburgh. No, that's too close, man. That would scare me. Are you crazy? Alright.

How far away does it need to be? Does it not matter what place it is? You're your equal opportunity orbital bombarder. You know, I feel like Jupiter gets a pretty good rap and everyone ignores poor Saturn. So like I name it Jupiter. Just fuck Jupiter, dude. Everyone ignores poor Saturn. I'm sorry. Saturn is probably one of the only planets in our solar system that if you showed a picture of it with zero context.

to almost anyone, including elementary school children, they would be able to name it because it's the one with the big rings around it. Yeah, it doesn't get the love it deserves. No, you were just saying Jupiter doesn't get the love it deserves. No, no, Jupiter gets too much praise. Guys, I solved the Saturn hexagon.

What? I solved the Saturn hexagon. Three weeks ago or now? Three, four weeks ago. Then now. Time is speeding up. Tell us, Mark. Quickly, quickly. All right. So in the bottom of Saturn or the top, it doesn't really matter in space, but in one of the poles, there's literally a hexagon. And this is not an exaggeration. It is...

hexagonal in shape right on the pole it is a hexagon like a prism or just a drawing of one or the yeah someone drew a hexagon no it's a hexagon god drew it on there as a prank and he's still getting people with it laughing

They would have telescopes for thousands of years, but they'll get this once they see it. Oh, there's a straw hole in the middle. You just pop a straw and drink Saturn. Why? Just because it's a hexagon? It's kind of a Baja blast color. Do you think it tastes like a Baja?

I hope that's not the color of the Baja Blast that you've been drinking. Explain the cognitive decline. What are you drinking, bottles of Baja Blast from 2009? It's not good, man. I didn't see an expiration date. It wore off. So there's a hexagon, right? I was doing dishes, right? And so one of the things I do if I'm making brown meat for pasta, it takes a bit to clean it, so I like to soak it. You're into soaking. Got it. So I set the pan flat on...

the counter, right? Because I wanted to fill it up and I set it in a place where I could just angle the faucet and blast it in, but I could blast it in from the side, right? So I was blasting at an angle because I was like, I'll put soap in there as it's filling. It'll spin around in there and it'll do some, it'll mix it up, do maybe a little light bit of washing. So it'll make it easier for me to clean later, right? As it was spinning, it was moving, obviously, the water inside and the suds were mixing up, right? And because of the angle that it was hitting,

and it was spinning the water inside, the way the suds and the water separated in the pan, perfectly round pan, formed a hexagon.

Not joking, not lying. I didn't take a picture of it because I was just like, oh, that's interesting. And then I realized like where I had seen something like this before. The spinning of this pot with a just force of something coming in this way in a circular pan created a hexagon by the separation of the soap bubbles and the water inside. Legitimately just like that one in Saturn. I solved it. I want my Nobel Prize.

The hexagon is just God doing dishes. It's him peeing at an angle into Saturn, and it just... He pees like I pee. You also pee hexagons? No, remember when I was cutting things in half? That was the last episode or something. No, I was with Wade. I was thinking the exact same thing. It just comes out as a hexagon. Watch, I can do a bunch. I can do a star. All right.

I'm like Gandalf with the blowing smoke ships, but it's my pee. Hey, you guys want to see a monkey that can dance? I gotta hop around a little. You guys want to see a whale come up and take a breath in its blowhole? It's two-dimensional, but you'll see it. Okay.

Don't you have to explain the solution to get a Nobel Prize or do you just have to figure? Yeah, I just explained it. It's soap and water, Bob. What didn't you get? Well, what was cooked on Saturn that made it need soap and water in it? That's the real deep question. I told you. Meat. Beef. Browned beef. Browned beef. I browned a lot of beef. You never seen those space cows? Man, you need a whole planet to cook one of them.

It's true. You laugh, but it's true. No one was laughing. No one was laughing. You don't laugh, but it's true. Oh, come on! That was funny.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. How about this one? I don't know if this episode's salvageable. Mark, we have the answers. Don't worry. Let's keep delving. All right, let's delve a little deeper. Covered Elon and Al Gore so far. What do you think of at the next UN meeting where they prove Simpson's right once again where Russian representative pushed the button and flipped his sign from Russia back to Soviet Union? Do you remember that? That was crazy.

I've seen that. I saw the one where Homer drank beer. What an episode. That was a great one. It's been like 20 years since I've seen a Simpsons episode. What kind of beer was it, man? Oh, duff. Whoa. Have you seen the image of the there's a flash forward episode where Lisa becomes president and she's wearing an exact outfit.

down to like the jewelry and everything that looks like uh there's a picture of kamala wearing the exact same purple blazer and well clearly she saw the episode and then was like well i gotta dress up like this dude what if people are doing that trying to make the simpsons things come true like what if trump saw the simpsons episode and was like oh yeah they go to the debate they're wearing the same lisa simpson outfit dude i built a golden escalator why is why would that not be perfect for such an announcement you remember how

many debates they do after the election. I can't wait for those. Well, it's easy to debate when it's, you know, it's lower stakes. Everyone's in when it doesn't really matter. I, you know, honestly, truly, I don't think that that wouldn't happen because I could see some kind of, you know, person on staff that would look at that and be like, hey,

hey, someone will make this connection. It'll get traction. Someone will share it and it will gain traction and people will make the comparison. People will be talking about it and then people are talking about you and then that'll help promote the message. Because everyone knows it's a meme like Simpsons predicting it, but it's like, you know, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at some point because people want it to happen. Yeah.

You know what I mean? So are you working on breeding a spider and pig? It was just a regular pig, wasn't it? It was a regular pig in a Spider-Man outfit. But it was on the ceiling. Homer was holding it like that. I don't know. If you look at the picture, I will Photoshop out Homer and make him right. I will make him right. Just like everything that we're saying right now, these predictions, they will be made right. Does Spider-Pig make his webs internally like Tobey Maguire? Or is he more like an Andrew Garfield...

Tom Holland where he has to have web shooters where he mixes them up and it's like a thing that attached to his wrist. I feel like hooves make it tough to use beakers to make the web solution. So it's probably got to be real internal. This is going to be a real test here, guys. I'm about to put a question forward to you guys. This is related to what we were just talking about, about pigs. Why bacon? Bacon.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Finish your question. Why do I, and I'm going to assume and hope that you guys, well, I don't know if I should hope that you guys know this. Why do I know that pigs have 30 minute orgasms? And why do you guys also know that? Uh, you saw that episode of black mirror where the guy fucked one. Yeah.

I forgot about that. I've only seen like two episodes of Black Mirror and I think that was one. Me too. I couldn't. I got it by Phil. I haven't seen any. What is that show about? I thought it was about cell phones. What the fuck? I haven't seen any. I thought it was about scary cell phones. Oh, sorry. Spoiler. Man, the Choose Your Own Adventure Black Mirror episode is real funky. Did you get the pig in me? Did you fuck

or did you go to antarctica i couldn't decide i still hung i paused it i i just i was really because the web shooter thing made me think of that and i'm like why do i know that i'm gonna be honest that sounds like a fact that i would know i've never heard that before is it just female pigs that have 30 minute work because what is i hope the male doesn't he's gonna be dehydrated

He's going to need IV fluids if he's going for 30 minutes. It's got to be probably both because I think it's only cows that go to In-N-Out. The pigs, they last long. That was a bad beef joke. Yes! Insert Shia LaBeouf clapping in the auditorium meme. You know, it was funny in my head and the moment it started to come out of my mouth, I was like, it's not funny. Don't. Too late. I'm giving you a standing ovation point, but I didn't. Sitting ovation. Sitting ovation. You get the sitting ovation. Standing desk ovation.

So the conclusion is web shooters for pigs. Internal, I guess. I don't know. I didn't know that fact about pigs. I don't know why you know that. I think that's weird. Yeah, where'd you learn that, bud? I'm trying to understand where I would have learned it. Is it true? Is it even true? I don't want to Google this. No, you're just trying to trick us into Googling things. I see what happened. Why did Autocorrect want to make it the pigs have 30-minute oranges? It's really unfortunate that the thing I Googled right before this was, where can I find some pigs? Ha ha ha!

Yes, a domestic pig's orgasm can last an average of 30 minutes, but it can be as long as 90 minutes. 90! This makes the pig the mammal with the longest orgasm. Why? Damn. 90!

Who's got that kind of time? I mean, pigs don't have anything going on. What, do they got to get back to rooting around in the dirt? I just feel like, wouldn't that expose you to threats? Well, these are domesticated pigs. Maybe they're not incapacitated. Maybe that's a walking around orgasm. A walking around orgasm. Can you imagine trying to have like a conversation afterward? Like, that was great, but you have to wait 90 minutes for them to stop screaming. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha

The kids are at the petting zoo and in the distance you just hear a pig fucking squealing its head off and the farmer's like, oh, just ignore her. Bessie's kind of a slut. Let's go look at the goats. 90 minutes later. All right, who wants to pet a pig? No! There's

It's best to have a cigarette. And you didn't confirm whether it was just the females have 90 minute orgasms or if the males and if pigs are also a species where the male dies immediately after mating. I didn't suspect it, but it's probable. The female pigs actually consume the male pigs. That's how you get guanciales. You know this scene is a scary movie. The sex scene. Yes. The one with the bats and the mowing? The bats? Oh, the bats! I forgot about the bats!

Yeah, and the hedge trimmers. But it's like in that scene, they did this, I'm sure, I haven't looked up the scene in a bit, but I'm sure incredible VFX of the guy, just like all of his muscles, just like, and like he just turns into like a skeleton right then and there. I imagine that's what happens to the pig.

I want to expunge this episode from the roster. I like it. I think we're having fun. Good thing this timeline got obliterated. I realize now it happened because I expunged the universe that we're currently in. Does that mean whenever this episode ends that we're gone? We're gone, yeah. Well, I feel like we should...

Stretch it out a little bit. Let's watch a full-length video of a pig orgasm and see what that looks like. Apparently, boars, not pigs, domesticated pigs here, but boars, the male boars, take five to eight minutes to ejaculate, to complete their ejaculation. It's measured in minutes, not seconds. God, man, isn't that average? Yeah. Why did you grimace? What are you imagining in there? You were like, isn't that average? And Wade was like, yeah.

I'm just thinking that's a big mess. That's a lot of mess. If you're spraying and praying for minutes, that's a hell of a clean up. I've had long, long trips to the bathroom that have been shorter than that. I've had long ejaculations. Listen, we're all in the midst of, I believe when this episode is coming out, it's still no, not November. It's right towards the end. This is the election episode. I've looked up P.

pig ejaculation three times. Why specifically that term? Why that term? Dude, I found the 30 minutes. I was like, all right, we got to dive deeper. We got to ask ChatGPT this. That's really who we got to ask. Oh, no, I'll get my ChatGPT account, Ben. Don't worry, I'm working on it.

What were we gonna say about No Nut November? We failed? We just passed? How are you guys doing? Are you holding strong? I'm about to have a three hour December, if you know what I mean. The shortest December. It's gonna be over for you after three hours. The clock strikes midnight. We're gonna paint the town white. I love that poem. My favorite one. Say the rest. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm coming. I'll get back to you. Alright, uh...

I'm going to give you points so you can stop. All right. I'll take it. You get the stop point. Man, this is really an episode that I'm going to regret having said when my family members and in-laws and friends. Don't worry. This timeline is expunged. We don't exist anymore. Can we not air this till after the holidays? So that way I don't have to address family face to face. I hope this is the one they put on for everyone to listen to. My.

Hi, cousin. This is such a good. Is this like the Black Friday episode? Everyone's off work for the holiday in America. You have Thanksgiving. They wake up and they're like, all right, we got Friday off. Let's go shop and listen to my favorite podcast. I have so many regrets about this episode, man. We get that Walmart deal and they play it over the speaker.

attention walmart shoppers pig ejaculation lasts 30 minutes you remember during the cringe episode we talked about uh play it we'll play it on the whole house so the family can listen this is a new one of those episodes this will be part of the cringe episode if it that were to happen no this isn't cringe this is informative

I'm informed. That is interesting. I didn't know that. I still want to know why exactly you knew that. Yeah, I don't know why I know that. Let's flip this back on Mark. This is your knowledge. But my other question is, is that the record? For mammals, it seems to be. I've Googled enough. One of you two search that one, man. For animals.

anything for anything my search said mammals which could imply there's some kind of bacteria out there that is no there there are there are birds also there's other species besides mammals that do the sex forgot about the fish and the birds insects all right i think it depends i think it depends on how exactly you define it because what i'm seeing is octopi can take up to four hours to

to transfer the sperm from the male to the female. But it's not a four-hour orgasm. It's not four hours of... Dude, with eight legs? Think about the foot rub and back massage you have to give to convince the octopi. Anyway.

No, we're not segwaying out of this one. We're staying on this topic. So, Al Gore. We're giving people the election coverage they deserve. Apparently rattlesnakes have been recorded 23 hours and 15 minutes. But again, that's not like an orgasm the whole time. That's more like... Yeah, they also take three days to swallow.

This is great. This is great, man. How was your election? Hey, your head's the same color as your shirt. That's impressive. We need to come up with a term like the opposite of Hawk Tua. What's the swallow noise that we can coin? If you can figure it out, you get a podcast deal. Gulp.

He did it! He figured it out! He got the swallow noise! It's like discovering the Higgs boson. It does exist! Quaggulp. Take away everything he ever had. Okay. Delete him.

Okay, um, so this has been quite an election. We have all voted. We've done our civil duty, and this has been a time. Did not expect Dark Brandon to rip open the fabric of reality atop Capitol Hill. Aliens visiting finally was...

Really underwhelming thought it would be more exciting and then you know the the predicted false vacuum collapse that is rapidly approaching us at light speed is going to be really really really interesting and Yes, we we we Is that why the piggy went we we we all the way home shit

sure is bob it sure is man that rhyme goes a different way whenever you think of that did you know oh well this is dark like there's kids listening to this at what age did we all discover and or realize that the piggies that went to the market were not just going for a nice shopping trip

Now, what do you mean? Well, I just put it out there. Why would a piggy go to market to buy food? Uh-huh. No, they get food from the farmer. And I'm pretty sure the farmer is the one who brought them to the market. And I just think all the way through why exactly a farmer might bring a pig with them. OK, this little piggy went to market.

- Uh-huh. - But this little piggy stayed home. - Sure, the lucky one. - But where did the third pig go if it's going wee, wee, wee all the way home? That's the market pig, right? - Didn't the third little piggy like eat Wheaties or something? - I'm not gonna lie, I had never thought that deeply about it. And this is the first time I realized now that you're saying it, that that piggy did go to market for reasons that I did not. - The rhyme should go, the first little piggy was slaughtered, the second little piggy was spared.

Just a third little piggy killed and ate a cow because he was left alone on the farm. And the fourth little piggy had an orgasm for 49 minutes. That's a weird rhyme, man. It's all part of that book. All right, cool. I'm going to wrap it up here. I thought that was the title of the book.

It's all part of that kids book. All right, cool. So this is the farm. All right, here's the deal. I love that book. Betsy's kind of a slut. It was more than likely butchered and sold off to a market. That's my toe. My big toe is the little piggy that went to market. All right. You want to know the standings? Yes. Say Wade first. Don't make me feel better. He got a point for shit bird. He got a point for it's a cat, dude.

It's still funny. I don't remember that one already. A point for don't laugh. I don't know why I wrote that, but it was either to tell you to stop laughing or don't laugh in a certain way. I don't know. Don't laugh. I gave you a sitting ovation point. Just one, even though I did it twice. I gave you the stop point and then three days to swallow, which in my head reads a lot like you have seven days to die. The porn parody of The Ring. The porn parody.

Set three days to swallow. You're gonna swallow in three days. I'm not gonna lie, Bob. I probably should have wrote down a lot more points for you because you had quite a few zingers. But I've got Concerning Bunny, which still... I still don't know why the bunny's so concerning. It's concerning. It's concerning.

I gave you the baked beans points because that's burned the jokes. They're like I said, I probably should have wrote some more bangers from there. You know, that stuff. But that entire bit, I get credit for that. Bungus the penguin. You got a point for that. Same bush, different gore. And then Betsy's kind of a slut. That was the last point I earned. That was a while ago. Well, I know. Yeah, but I mean, that's what I mean. I probably should have wrote down more, but I didn't.

I think I should have had some more. I had some great zingers in there. All right, then you both are underwhelmed, but Wade, you got six. Bob, you got five. Damn. I'm happy with my points. That's shocking to me. I can't believe it that you're suddenly happy with what's happening here. I honestly think I probably should have given Bob a lot more points. Well, thank God we don't have a way to challenge for that. I'm going to give my winner's speech, right? I

I'm going to be a hundred percent honest. I know that I can throw the red challenge flag. I don't remember what that triggers. A vote, a vote in the subreddit, but don't I have to challenge a specific point? What do I just be like? I challenged that. I get four more points. If you guys ever think that I paid attention to any of these rules, you got another thing coming. I think you just present your argument. If you, if you want to say that on the subreddit, you can, but they have to vote, you know, yes or no fitting for election night to have a vote, but they will be very confused. Yeah.

to the contents of the episode that they're voting for. So in this episode, we talked about how long pigs can orgasm a lot. It's the election night episode, by the way. Anyway. Bob demands a recount on election Tuesday for an episode that comes out in three weeks. So there you have it. Whatever you have, there you have it. Wade, congratulations. What's your speech?

That's it. He got it. He's got the gulp to a. He'll be premiering his new podcast, Gulp Today, starring Wade. Gulp to a. I hardly know a. All right, Bob, loser speech. Hey, your head's the same color as your shirt again. Yes, it is.

That's really impressive. Is that why you wear shirts that color so much? So I could be in disguise. I'm hiding in plain sight. I think we all know that I didn't lose today, but also, honestly, I just don't care enough to throw the red flag. I'm done with the subreddit. I don't go in there.

I don't talk to them anymore. They burnt this bridge and they know what they did. So I don't want to force myself to have to go do anything there for any reason. So for that reason, I do not challenge this obvious injustice. And if anyone feels badly that I should have won and I didn't, it's the subreddit's fault. You do got to be careful over there. You better not complain too much. They'll get you.

You better not say anything. You stick your head up, they'll bite it off. They're like a praying mantis. They'll fuck you, then they'll eat you. Can you imagine if a pig bit off another pig's head after orgasming? It'd be pretty metal. Would you rather have... Let's not say 90, let's say 30. 30-minute orgasms for...

Or no change. I guess. Or negative 30-minute orgasms. Expound? Answer the question! I don't think I want a 30-minute orgasm, but I definitely don't want whatever an inverse orgasm is. I don't want that. You hoover up everyone else's orgasm in a vicinity around you. We would all be like Spongebob when he had the anchor arms just like walking around. 30-minute orgasms, man. Our little legs are never going to touch the ground again.

Oh, God. No, yeah, I guess I've taken the 30-minute orgasm on that one. All right, he's got the 30-minute orgasm. That means Wade gets the other one. Ah, Wade, you gotta hoover up everyone's orgasm for 30 minutes. Go! Oh, it's not going in there. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Alright, well thank you everybody for listening to this horrible episode. All of our sponsors have left. Our podcast is in shambles, but this is why I am deleting us from reality. This is a containerized version of ourselves that never technically never existed and never will exist. It's a reality completely separate from yours. It's literally horrible universal death on a

galactic scale of which we cannot possibly imagine. All life in this universe is now going to cease to exist in an instant blink of an eye. It could happen to you, but it's not right now.

I only regret not being able to release Iron Lung in this universe. It was going to be way better than the one in yours. It was really good. Well, I saw an old version, but it was very good. Can this be our time capsule episode? If we ever bury an episode in the dirt for future generations to find, can it be this episode? We'll etch this into a titanium record and send it into space so the aliens will know what they're dealing with. 30 minute orgasms. We got to go. The Beatles, Blackbird, George Bush's speech from the deck of the

aircraft carrier mission accomplished and this podcast episode aliens will know not to fuck with us all right thank you for this podcast in your timeline for more much better episodes than this

And we have been Mark iPlyer, Mike Skirm, and LordMinion888. Check it out. That was the only difference between the universes. Literally the only difference. Podcast out. At least I'm not nine. Because seven, eight, nine.