Nah, I'd Win (Part 2)
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Wayne Scotted Wade hates rubbing, plugs iron lung, and rolls crits for his RPG. Mailable Mark gets hard for big drives, coops the Kuiper, and gets his Galadriel on with penthouse piggies. Banorstick Bob plays Ace Ventura, sucks moons, ends the Earth, and weaponizes diarrhea.

From clown cars to killing a farmer's family. It's time for Nah, I'd Will, Part 2. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm today's host, Wade, joined as always by my friends and co-hosts, Mark and Bob. Hey boys. Hello, fucking Ubuntu. To our listeners, Bob saluted. That was just for the watchers. I was not acknowledging the listeners. Don't talk to them. All right. Anyway.

Anyway, welcome to the show where one person hosts, the other two compete for points. Whoever has the most points at the end gets to host the next episode. The games vary, the points are always consistent. I forgot to get my pad and paper to write them down, but I've got it now, so thankfully no points would have been awarded at this point anyway. But how are you guys doing? Pretty good, pretty good. I'm typing in bullshit is how it's going. You think this episode's bullshit? It hasn't even started yet. I'm

Typing bullshit. Can't you copy and paste bullshit? Oh, waiting for cash lock. Could not get lock slash var slash lib slash donkey package slash lock front end. It is held by process 8569. Last episode was the election episode, Mark. We don't need more donkey talk. We don't need to talk about the donkey libs right now. What about the elephant libs? What about the donkey conservatives? Lib free or hee haw. Hee haw.

I'm glad you enjoy yourself so much, buddy. I really do. You can wait to see if anyone thought that was funny. You knew it was funny. I find me hilarious. Did I tell you guys about the loaner car that I had recently? I don't think I did. It's not that funny of a story, but as a large person, this happens to me a lot. I don't fit in things, but I can find a way to like work around it. I don't fit in the booth at the restaurant, but I'm like, can we just get a table or whatever? Like these things happen. Recently, my car had to go in and...

and the dealership it's like warranty work so they gave me a car for free they were like here just take you know take one of these drive this around and we'll give you car back you know tonight or tomorrow whatever but nice and i appreciated it and when i got to the i just dropped the car off and i was talking to like the service department guy and then he handed me off to the guy who was gonna get me the car and he was he like sort of looked me up and down it was like hey what's up how you doing sir uh

So we only have coupes available for the loaner cars, right? Like two door, like small cars. And I was like, oh, that's fine, man. We have our other car, you know, is a family car too. So like, I don't need to put the baby seat in it or anything. That's fine. And he's like, yeah.

Yeah, it should be fine. It'll be fine. Can I see your driver's license? And like, it was just a weird vibe. I got to the car outside again. Guy gave me the keys and walked away and I went to get in it. And I don't know if anyone else who's not like a very large person can relate to this, but I had that moment where I was like, I'll just slide in. And I didn't get past my like ribs. I was trying to slide into this car and I went to sit down and it was literally like, Oh, all right.

All right, hang on. Maybe the seat's not all the way back. Maybe the steering wheel is not up. It was everything was as up and back and out as it could get. And so I and I this was my car for at least the day. And getting in is honestly not the hard part. Like I had to sort of look at it and angle my body. But it's like you could have that moment where you're just like whoosh and you slide in and it was fine. It was very comfortable to drive. But when that's how you get into something, getting out of it is usually uncomfortable.

And I like drove all the way home, parked in the driveway. It must've looked like the scene for Mace Ventura where it gets birthed out of the Rhino. Yeah.

Like I started trying to get out of the car and I was just like pulling. But I ended up on my back laying next to the car in the driveway naked, naked because my clothes peeled off. That's fine. I don't know if my neighbor saw me. They probably didn't. They're not. It's fine. The last thing that had to happen between me and this car was I had to drive it to the dealer and drop it off to get my car back.

And the way they were like, when you bring it back, just pull into the service garage to the inside part and drop it off. I didn't think this all the way through until I got there. But where I had to drop the car off, there was a full two story wall of windows into the main showroom of the dealership where every single salesperson and customer and every human in the entire building was looking out from their offices and desks at

these windows. And then I parked this tiny car in there and proceed to do the fat guy dance of what, and like, and also the service person who was like dealing with my car, I pull in and he's like, Hey, that's Mr. My skin. He starts walking towards me. So the guy I've already talked to is walking towards me 20 feet away. And the entire rest of everyone is like, Ooh, a red car pulled in. And then I have to do the exact same dance of like,

And I end up like laying on the ground and I, and it's like, I, the guy is standing over me and he's, he survived at the vehicle and to shake my hand. And I'm like, I'm laying on the ground and I do that thing where you just like pop up, like nothing happened, close the door. But I'm like sweaty. Like I pop out and I'm like, Hey, good to see you. Yeah. Like God fuck.

Fuck, damn. Like, it's... I don't know how relatable that is for anyone who's not just like, I'm very tall, I'm also a very big guy, fat guy. Like, it's fine. But, man, did that suck. I don't know if you saw, but I was in the safari car that pulled up with the, you know, the family there, and we were watching you. You really did a good impression with no hands going...

out of the car door. It was really impressive and quite a show. I think everyone learned something that day. With no birth canal to really help me put on the performance, I kind of feel like I got there on my own very effectively. I don't know where you conjured up all the fluids that came out, but you were very, very moist on the way out and it was

It came from me. It was mostly sweat. Okay, cool. All right. Mostly. All right, cool. That's awesome. I need no more. No more. Well, it helps in that situation. If you piss your pants, sometimes it'll help you squeeze the last pack half out. Anyway, that was just, that's stuck in my mind forever now is the most recent thing where me being a very large person,

created a great scenario that didn't at all embarrass me for the rest of the week and that was two weeks ago actually now so it's clearly still I'm not holding on to that we are tall people you are taller than me by a little bit but we are tall people we we

We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We.

They can want to put the maximum number of whatever seats and whatever in so they can sell them. But you're right. Why? Why a car like that? It's not like there wasn't physically space in the car for it to have been designed in a way where it would have been more accommodating to a really tall person. It just wasn't. Apparently Germans are not very tall because it was a this was a BMW that I got into. So Germans are definitely not known for being huge there.

are people taller than us? And sure, some of them are athletes like basketball players, but some of them are just normal people who are fucking freakishly tall. What do you do if you're seven foot two and you need a car? Drive a Hummer or something. I don't know. It upsets me as a bald and tall person. I feel very, very upset at this. What's bald have to do with it? You hit your head on the ceiling. There's no protection. It's just like.

I assume you'd have less friction with your shiny, shiny head. Whenever you do make contact with no hair, you better hope it's like a really soft, comfortable thing that you're hitting, because if it's like sandpapery, it's not pleasant. It's part of the reason why we have hair on certain spots in our body. Not the full reason, but we have hair in places that encounter a lot of rubbing. And impacts. 30 minutes of rubbing? At least. More like 32 minutes of rubbing. Come on, man. Heh.

Also, Mark, I did not take away a point from you, but I wanted to. You were here and you saw Bob in the car, but you didn't say hi to either one of us while you were in Ohio. He was on safari with the family. Come on. I can't make them stop. It's dangerous. Mark got in the safari truck at the Los Angeles safari terminal and he gets off when they let him off. That's how those things work. We went through Elon's California to Ohio tunnel that only safari Tesla safari users can go in.

And I don't control it. Well, I didn't take away a point. I didn't. I just want to let you know. Unfortunate situation. Good story. Well told as always. I'm sure someone who saw that had quite the funny laugh at it. So like, I hope they appreciated it because at least a good thing came out of it. I mean, at least you got your car back and it was only what, two or three times in the rental. I honestly only drove it other than to the...

from the dealership home and back to the dealership. I drove it one other place. Probably could have just gotten an Uber. They wanted to give me one, so I was like, I'll take a free car. What could go wrong? Meanwhile, I can't get one even when I ask for one. You just have to go to the right places. Mark, what's new with you? So a few things are new.

just kidding it's the same bullshit it's always been except i'm slavering i'm slavering what is the term slavering slavering isn't the term slavering sla i'm not sure what word you're trying to say you're letting saliva run from your mouth show excessive desire i'm slavering slavering slavering slavering drooling slavering s-l-a-v-e-r huh huh i

I don't know this word. Over this, the latest development in hard drive technology, I've looped fully back. We're back, baby. Oh, we're back to hard drives. It's 2022 again. Hard drives, hard drives. 122 terabytes. Hey, that's...

Almost exactly double the one you were excited about. I have many of those, but... Is this like an M2 SSD or is this a spinny disky kind? It's obviously an NVMe drive, bro. A little bit bigger, thicker than this one, which is another NVMe drive. It'll never focus. I don't know why I leaned back and tried to focus thinking that would fix it. Oh man, uh... I know how to fix this. Yeah, it's not working. That usually works.

Yeah, so it's a little thicker than this one. This is a 16 terabyte. Why 122? Why not stop at 120 or go to 130? 122 is so random. Because of how math works for bits on computers, not random. There's a mathematical reason for it. 500 gigabyte, 1 terabyte, 2 terabyte, 6 terabyte, 8 terabyte, 122. Computers don't work on the metric system. Calm down. 122!

Ah, why always when we're recording, do you talk to me, Alexa? Sorry. Sorry. I don't know if you could hear that. I always think it's like Mandy or something coming in and you're just like screaming. It every time makes my soul leave my body. I don't even know why it's not that scary. It's just a lady's voice. That is scary.

Anyway, big hard drive, Mark. It means that if I were to match that in size, it would need six more of these, which are 16 terabyte ones, all in one drive. I forget. Is that big enough so that all of your iron lung stuff would basically fit on one drive? It would. It would. It would. Absolutely. That would be very convenient. Big drive, small movie. You decide. Big drive. Yeah, I don't think it's a small movie. You didn't work on it very much.

Oh, is that a Bobby Boucher point? You know, the water boy. I've not seen that since what was it? The nineties when it came out. It's like the sound he makes when he footballs. I haven't seen it at all. I've,

been also working on the render farm and I know I've disparaged Linux users before and I will continue to do so. It doesn't make a goddamn bit of sense you open source bastards. I hate it. I can't even log into my NAS from Ubuntu. I tried to install Fedora and it

blew up on installation. Marinder? Pretty much. And then I installed Fedora's server client, and after the full installation process, I'm greeted with a DOS command prompt, and I'm like, I left this behind in 1994, my commander. So yeah, I'm doing that because the alternative is Windows Server, and I don't know if you know how much Windows Server costs, but it can cost upwards of $6,

$7,000 per license. Do you need a license per machine that's on it? So you don't necessarily need that one. And I don't know if that includes multiple licenses for multiple computers, but it's like with servers, I have many small versions of it and I don't know what, I don't know any of it, but I know that Linux is free, so I don't have to deal with that. But also it's good.

It's Dracula? Oh, I love Count Dracula. Blah, blah. I auditioned for the movie. Think if we could get in? Blah, blah. Blah, blah. It's like a Christopher Nolan Dracula. We're going for dark and gritty. Dracula's been through a lot. And whenever you're ready. I'm Dracula. Blah, blah. Jared Leto as Dracula. Sorry, Jared. I know you're a big watcher. Sorry, Jared.

Not bad. He's sitting by the phone waiting for that call back, decides to turn on our podcast just to kill the time. How'd they get my audition date?

uh anyway good good small talk good small talk i bet you won't have a ton of people in the subreddit telling you how good linux is now that you've brought that up mark i bet that won't happen at all i'm sure it won't happen i saw a new picture of the moon there's some good moon there speaking of the moon it's so funny because i made it i you know i got testy with my own subreddit because they deserved it and so i made a joke i made that one comment then i made another comment that was kind of forgotten a

next to it people were asking why you keep promoting Amelie I will become your A. James McCarthy I will show you my moon and people really took it like but now they understand now they relate they relate to why I found that because it's like she pops up so much and you're just like oh

Tie fighter noises. I know, I feel it. Mark's become what he hates most. You are the moon photos in the night. Have you guys heard of Iron Lung and or Edge of Sleep? Watch one of them now. The other sometime. I'm giving myself a point for promotion. Promotion point. I can't get over that Mark just threw out slaver, slaver.

Like that's a word and it is a word, but I've never heard that word in my life. I know lots of words. I know the best words and I had never heard that word. I hadn't either. That was a, you know what, Mark? You should get so many points for slavering. How do I write this? I don't really want to write this as a slaver point. Slavering. To slaver over or slaver over. Slavering point. There you go. I put a slavering because I don't want to read it wrong later and be very confused. I think the spelling is the same, isn't it? Yeah. Kind of weird.

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Guys, we got a new and original game to play today. As you may already know by the title or not, you two don't, but everyone else. Nah, I'd win part two, which is an original concept that's never been done before. I remember when you did that the first time. Yeah.

Yeah, we don't really consistently have people host their own sequels. I don't know if you all remember Weird, but I'm still a little bit bitter about my Weirds Part 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. I still think you were too. You complained so much that we weren't engaging, and Mark and I engaged the shit out of Weird. Yeah, I can't complain anymore. The subreddit also beat that out of me, so...

unbelievably engaged unstoppably engaged to the same extent that the ginger dead man is derisive we were engaged you did something i got a dice i think i've showed this off before it's a very big dice is it fair it is fair prove it roll a 20 prove it's fair

Oh my god. Hold on. It actually rolled a 20. No way. It's so fair. I don't believe you. Can you guys see my phone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just took this photo. Can you see? Oh!

Holy shit. That is very fair. The fairest thing that's ever happened, possibly. I'll probably roll it on the table instead of the floor moving forward because it kind of went farther away than I wanted. Yeah, I was thinking that would be really inconvenient if you rolled it on the floor every time. So I've got some scenarios set up here. You guys know how this game works. We played it. Basically, you're put in the position of something that is... What was the last time? There was a mouse facing a cat and the mouse had to overcome long odds to defeat the cat.

And you guys would give me, what was it, like one scenario or one sentence? We each got one action at a time. So we're going to continue that. It's one action or one sentence, one action that you get to perform. And if that's good enough to win, the dice will tell us. And then I think as it went along, you got bonuses too, right? The first one was zero. Then the next one gets a plus one. So you only need a 19 and so on and so forth. Is that correct? Something like that. I mean, it's your game. You should remember the rules. Yeah, Wade. Yeah.

Yeah, well, first person gets a plus zero, second gets a plus one, so on and so forth. So you need less and less to win. But what if we say something that, you know, might not actually help us, but we're being funny about it? Well, then the dice will tell us if that funny is real or not. This is out of my hands. This is up to you and the dice gods. I wasn't talking about the dice, I was talking about the booners.

points you've already got some of those yeah mark i think he hears you i think he is how do you understand okay good he hears me loud and clear i understand you might earn bonus points along the way but that's that's between me and my gods the s is in parentheses oh how does that change it i

I don't know. So anyway, who wants to go first? Well, Mark, I think I went first last time. So I'll let you go first this time. Interesting. Because I'm pretty sure I was a competitor last time. No, this is your game. This is apparently your game. I didn't. I don't think I made that claim. I think you made that claim. I didn't make that claim. Well, you were talking about how last time us guys were doing things and doing. And so clearly we comrade we which is a subreddit favorite joke. They do love that. Yeah.

Your first scenario, Mark, you're up first as bespoken by Bob. I know you're slavering to go, so let's get to it. I have a splinter. Ow! Well, that's very fitting. You should probably clean that out, Mark, because you are a bacteria inside a human body and the blood cells are coming. How will you defeat them? Fascinating. Okay, can I ask a question about the context? I think I know where you're going with this and I'm excited about your question. Where in the body am I?

You go first. You get to set the scene. We'll play it from there. I'm already in the body? You're already inside. The white blood cells are on the way. Where is Osmosis Jones in relation to us? Yeah, how far is Osmosis Jones and how rapidly is he approaching our location?

on a old disney movie at this point away okay interesting answer uh you get to decide man this is your scenario i laid the groundwork all right so i'm swirling around the circulatory system and my objective is to kill this body right yes and i remember one more one more thing here i think each of you has to repeat what the previous person said as part of the story

Oh, interesting. Not only think I know that for a fact because this is my game. And therefore, that is part of this. So I'm swirling around the circulatory system. I know that they don't know where I am, but also, unfortunately...

I don't know where I am. So I'm going to stay, but I do know that eventually I'll make it back to the heart. And when I get back to the heart, I am going to try to grab onto the closest thing in the heart and just start warming my bacteria fingers in there and hopefully kill them. All right. Oh, wait, I got to roll the dice. I forgot about that part.

Oh, no, you can just call that that doesn't work. That's fine with me. That's my bad. I forgot. Mark's going to try to grab the heart. Flop this thing around a little bit. Oh, God. It's a number. Triangle of fairness. Triangle of fairness.

No fucking way. Oh, come on. No fucking way. No. That text is so fair. That's so fair. Oh, it's so fair. I want to see where this goes. I'm going to give Mark the 20 point, but we're going to go on, man. Oh, no. Because I was going to say what I was going to say is like I go to the heart and I self-destruct and I try to explode. I wish I'd said that because then it would have just had a catastrophic chain reaction like the Death Star. Okay.

And the body would have exploded with blood out of every orifice. I've rolled two 20s in a row, and I'm starting to feel like this dice maybe isn't fair. Roll it again. Roll it again. Roll it again. Let's see. All right. Okay. Well, that was supposed to be my roll, so now I get a 20? Maybe. Yeah, so Mark, I gave you a point for that 20 roll, but let's keep going. That was too quick. Well, he's not dead. Wait, no. That's the whole game.

It's dead. That's so sad. I was looking forward to this one. Damn you dice. Turns out Wade dropped us into the body of someone with a completely immune immunocompromised immune system. No defenses whatsoever. Bob, you're a virus in the human. Oh, okay.

It is different. If you're playing Plague Inc., those are very different vectors. They're very different. They are. They do play differently than Plague Inc. All right. Bob, you are Pluto. Okay. The universe is telling you you're not a planet. All the odds are stacked against you. You need to be a planet. How do you get your planet status back? Is my goal to kill the universe? Whatever it takes to be a planet is what you need to do. I am...

am Pluto. I am small, but I have moons, which is a very planetary feature. I reverse the magnetic poles and slow my rotation somehow because of physics, and I start trying to draw my moons in so that I can accumulate their mass into myself and become bigger. Okay. You are sucking in the moons to get bigger? If you roll a 20...

This is, I think, a six or a nine. I don't know how to tell the difference on this one. This is like an important thing to be able to figure out. Well, six is on the opposite side of 15, right? Do they add up to 21? So I think that's right. That would be a six. I mean, either way, that doesn't really matter. I think those are both pretty much failures. Yeah, the six and the nine neither has like a dot or anything.

This is a great thing we're using to get our rolls here. It's fine. It's what we used last time and it worked. The moons to you, Mark. All right. So I'm small, but I have moons, which is a very planetary feature. So I reverse the polarity of my magnetic fields to pull in the moons and gain their mass, right? I angle. I

I angle the direction that I am bringing those moons in to eject myself from the orbit. And I'm not going in, I'm going out to the Cooper belt to gain even more, uh,

Agario style Katamari Damacy I'm going to revolve around slingshotting through the Cooper belt getting everything I can hopefully re-entering back in to steal the orbit of one of those other planets I'm not sure which yet but I know that if I dethrone one of them I can be that planet. Oddly enough that's literally exactly what I was thinking.

Nice, nice. We're on the same wavelength here. I love this. Coops to rocks and coming back in. That is a 13. Damn. That's surprisingly good. You needed a 19. Bob, back to you. You now need an 18. I'm small, but I have moons. A very planetary feature. I reverse the polarity of my magnetic field and start sucking my moons in, but

angle the suckage of the moons in so that they actually eject me from my current orbit and throw me into an extremely eccentric orbit that will take me out to the... Also, I don't know who's right. I've always said Kuiper Belt? Is it Cooper Belt? It's probably the Kuiper. It's probably... But I said Cooper. I don't know if that... That will take me out to the Cooper Belt. A lot of guys have belts. Could be any of them. Where I will Agario-style, Katamari-Dimash-style...

Accumulate more mass before my highly eccentric orbit comes me, flings me, flailing back into the solar system as a big, big boy. I have goals and primary goal of my goals, top most of them, is to take the place of the most overrated planet in the solar system, the one that everyone's talking about all the time, no matter what. I.

I am going to knock earth down a peg slash into the sun and take its place. Knocking earth into the sun to take its place.

So close, Bob. You needed an 18. You got a 17. Oh, so almost there. Almost there. So do I successfully knock the earth into the sun and that doesn't work? Or do I not successfully accomplish that? I'll tell how that story unfolds. Listen, I'm just the dice roller. Is that how that usually works? I roll the dice and you tell me what happens. Dungeon.

Dungeons and Dragons, not Dungeons and Storytime. Come on. I mean, it did happen because I think Mark has to tell it. So it does happen. All right. I'm small, but I have moons, which is a very planetary feature. It is. I reverse the polarity of my magnetic fields to draw those sunbenches in, but I

angle them so that they eject me from my orbit into a very eccentric orbit through the Cooper Kuiper belt where I will gather as much mass of Gario, Katamari, Dimash-y style and then angle my way back in for my eccentric orbit and

and hit that upstart son of a bitch Earth. Fuck 'em. They think they can not name me a planet. I was a planet before any of those little bugs on the surface were ever there. I think that's what you meant, Bob. I think that was kind of the attitude you were going for. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And so I wang doodle into them, pool cue style. Bink bop, they go sailing. I steal their moon, 'cause I lost Charon and that hurt, but Charon's part of me now. And I aim Earth to go fire at them

into Venus because if I can knock down another planet at the same time that increases my chances of being a planet. So Earth that was thrown into the Sun you're also gonna hit into Venus on the way? We didn't know that it went into the Sun. It was a hope. Yeah, that was my intention. Venus is on the way into the Sun. It's not wrong. It's going in. It's going in. On its way to the Sun, Earth is now gonna hit Venus. It's taking out Venus. Help. You need a 17 or higher. 13.

Damn. That's the same thing I rolled last time. Lucky number 13. Bob? All right. I'm Pluto. I'm small, but I have moons. Very planetary. Reverse the magnetic field. Suck the moons in. Angle that sumbitch so that it launches me into a highly eccentric orbit out into the Cooper Kuiper Cooper Belt. Out there, I'm going to accumulate as much mass as I can before my orbit carries me back in to the solar system where I will smash into that upstart planet.

pipsqueak son of a bitch Earth and throw those little ant douchebags down towards the sun where they belong. And on the way, I'm angling it so that the Earth also smashes into Venus because the more planets I take out, the better chance I have of being named a planet. I miscalculated a little bit. I stole the Earth's moon and that affected my trajectory. And I am now accidentally at a slightly larger, further away orbit

from the sun than the earth was. But during the collision, some living creatures that were on earth accidentally transferred over onto the surface of me. And as their now home planet, I do everything I can to nurture them into evolving into a species that will worship me as the planet they know and love and came into existence a

I hope you at home can regurgitate all of that. Good luck, Mark. All right, Bob, you need a 16 or higher. I'm gonna get it, Mark. I don't think I got it, Mark. All right. Let me tell you how this is gonna go down, right? Look, I'm small, but I got moons. Very planetary. Very demure.

I reverse the magnetic polarities, bringing Charon and my little tiny extra moon, but I got two. Take that, Earth. Angle it. I go out Cooper Kuiper Belt, Bradley Cooper my way to extra mass, angle eccentrically back in towards that fucking piece of shit...

Goddamn shit stain of a planet Earth. Steal their bitch. It's mine now. Go hang out with Venus in hell. Push it out of the way. Oh, what's this? There's things on me. They're growing? I

I'm going to take care of them. I'm not going to wash. I'm not going to bathe. They're going to love me and despair like Galadriel. But you know what else? You know who is eyeballing, giving me the stink eye? You know who's giving me the stink eye? Earth's protector, Jupiter. Earth's protector, Jupiter, been like, I've been protecting that son of a bitch from every threat, which way to Tuesday. And he's giving me the stink eye. But you know what? I've played...

games a lot and I know a weak spot when I see it this moon don't need it like an Olympic spinny big rock thrower dude I take that moon and I start spinning because moon's not loyal to me I don't need it

Slink! Right for the big red butthole in Jupiter, and I bullseye it, blast it out, and another planet down. All right. Let's see if that works. You need a 15 or higher? God, I hope that works. 16. Okay. Well, this is feeling very familiar. I feel like last time we played this game, I didn't win a single dice roll, if I recall.

It's shocking about how that works somehow on this show, where somehow it's always the same, no matter how many times I get dice rolled in my favor. Don't worry, Bob. This is your time to shine. Got it. Are you ready for your scenario? Do I go first? I am.

Oh, yeah. I think it's Mark just won. Yeah, I guess Mark won his very first one on his first move because the dice that we're rolling is very fair. Yeah, of course. I remember that one happening. Yeah, I definitely didn't forget. Sure. Yeah. OK, so it would be Mark's turn again because that's fair. Bob, I just want to make sure you're ready. I want you to be on your best. I'm ready. I'm very ready. Mark, I'm not going to ask if you're ready. We're just jumping in. All right.

You're an orgasming pig and a farmer is coming to slaughter you. Oh, God. What, male or female pig? Mark is the author of this story. Oh, okay. Oh, good. You have at least 30 minutes. Of what, orgasm power? What do you mean, at least 30 minutes? Yeah, the farmer's not gonna kill you during. He's respectful. So what, do I gotta make it last long? Ha ha ha!

No, not necessarily. You just have to survive. But you could. Not the orgasm. You have to survive the farmer. The farmer is the threat. The orgasm is just happening.

That's the matter, but I thought you were ready. Come on, man. What do you even have to think about? The first move's obvious. Okay, all right. All right, here we go. Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought it would happen to me. There I was with Betsy.

Oh man, you've seen a pig before, right? Anyway, finish the deed. Barely three minutes into mid finish. And here I hear Farmer John's boots thundering down the roadway. I know what's up. He fed me oats that morning. I know a trap when I see it. Look down, it's not Betsy.

It's a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket. Fool on me, right? Well, anyway, I know he's very polite. He'll make sure that I get to enjoy myself before my bitter, bitter end. Well, two can play at that game. I see a pail of milk that he left out. Fool he is. I've got a bucket full of fraud that's going to keep this going all

night long so long as he sees some white fluid occurring he's not gonna kill me because he thinks I'm not done yet take that bucket stealthily slide it under me and I just take a move and I go for hours Bob I hope you remember I don't know if I've ever hoped for 20 more in my life but I'm hoping for it right now

Damn it. Fuck, God, no. Mark, you better hope to God it doesn't come back to you. Dear Pet House Forum, I never thought this would happen to me. Here I am with Bessie. You've seen a pig, right?

Anyway, here I am, not three minutes into finishing, but I hear Farmer What's-His-Face's boots come slamming down the roadway. And I know what that means. He fed me oats this morning. I know what that means. I look down, and it's not even Bessie.

It's just a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket. It's okay though, because the farmer is very polite. He would not dare slaughter me until I'm finished finishing. When I wield my most deadly weapon as a pig.

Oh, you know, my diarrhea that I can't stop from coming out violently. And so I just jump all over him and just try and smother him with shit and see if I can hold him down and drown him in my own shit. Thank you for keeping that succinct, boy. Let's roll the second die. God, I hope I don't get a 19.

Oh no, it's Mark's turn. I can't believe you remembered every single detail.

Except for Farmer John's name. Yeah, whatever the fuck his name was, I don't care. Don't make me say it. I'm sorry, man. The dice spoke. It's mostly your own bullshit. I didn't know. I didn't know. All right. Dear Panhouse Forum, I never thought it would happen to me. There I was with Betsy. You know a pig, right? Not three minutes into finishing, I hear Farmer What's-His-Name's boot come thundering out the way. All right.

And I know what's up. He fed me oats this morning, so I know what the game is. And I look down. It's not even Betsy. It's a fucking bale of hay wrapped in a blanket. But I know he's polite, right? I know he's polite. I feel bad, ashamed, tricked. He's very polite. He won't finish me before I'm finished finishing. So I look around as stealthily as I can, see a bucket of milk, drag it under me. I go like, ah, one white substance is as good as another. Dip my hoof in and go, ah, ah.

And then while he's standing there watching, kind of weird, but you know, we're in this. I started thinking with my little pig brain and I'm like, ah, I have the ultimate plan. It took me half that bucket to think of this plan. I feign a heart attack.

I know he's a sympathetic sort. He fed me oats. He made Betsy, I guess. And he would not dare kill me if I'm already dying. Shake the milk off my hoof. I lay down and go, I got a heart attack, right? Surprise! Poop attack! I jump on him when he gets close. Diarrhea all over. See, the only tool I got left, I have very few fluids left in my body. But I decide to shit all over him. That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget. And while he is flailing from all the poop, I

I grab Betsy for later and grab his shovel that he dropped. And then in my, I do one of these. Swing? With both. It's not really like a swing. It's more like a, I try to decapitate him.

Okay. Wade, you can end this. That was the third one. I needed 18 or higher. Oh, that's definitely going to happen. We haven't wasted a bunch of 20s on goofing around. Eight? Hey, teen? No. Bob, do you? Dare penthouse for...

I never thought this would happen to me. There I am with Betsy. Not three minutes into finishing when I hear Farmer wants his face's boots come slamming down the drive. And I look down and it's not even Betsy. It's just a bale of hay with a blanket wrapped around it. And I know what's happening. He fed me oats this morning. I know what's happening. But he wouldn't dare kill me before I finish finishing. He's a polite sort.

And as I'm finishing, I look around and I see that he left a bucket of milk out and I grabbed that and I slide it under and he has no idea. I'm going to be finishing for hours.

I take my hoof and I dip it in the milk and I go... And as I'm finishing repeatedly, I get about halfway through the bucket of milk before I realize I need to find another way out. And he's a sympathetic man, so if I pretend to have a heart attack, he'll probably come check on me and his guard will be down. And so I...

Wipe the milk off my hoof and I lay over on my side and I go like I'm having a heart attack and the farmer comes in and drops a shovel behind him and he's checking on me. And as he leans over to check on me, I jump up on him and start shitting everywhere. And as my shit attack is panning out, I realize it's probably not enough to finish the job.

So I reach back and I grab Bessie and then I lunge off the shit-covered farmer and pick up the shovel that he had. I don't have fingers, so I kind of have it in both arms and I go, and I try and decapitate him. And that doesn't work. But at this point, I've got an opening. He left the gate open. And so me and Bessie...

hightail it out the gate, and just on the other side of the path that the farmer just walked out to come slaughter me is the tractor. And I've seen this man operate the tractor hundreds of times. So I know what to do. I set Bessie down by the pedals, and I say, when I say the word, you floor it! And I climb up top.

Then I push buttons until that son of a bitch rumbles into life and then I pull on some levers and then I look down at Bessie and I yell, floor it! And I aim it right at the farmer laying in my shit pile. Alright. It takes five minutes to recap this. Bob, you need a 17. Oh man, I really hope for Mark's sake we get there.

Oh, that's almost a 17. It really wanted to stop on the 19 there, but it stopped at the 12. You can start up bridging things, I think, Mark. We're accumulating a lot of stuff. Dear Penthouse Forum, you've heard this story before. Me, Betsy, you know pigs. Anyway, three minutes in, Farmer John's coming. I'm not done coming. But I look down, I did a fucking trick.

Again. Again. It's a pile of hay in a blanket. Anyway, he comes in. He's looking at me. I know he likes to watch. I'm not about that, but he fed me oats this morning, so I know he's playing. He's going to wait until I finish. I stealthily put the bucket of milk under me, dip my paw in, and go... I can keep that up for hours. It gives me enough time to think. Ah!

Heart attack. I've done it before. I'll do it again. Shake my hoof off. Dumb idea. He comes over. Boob attack. Right in his eyes. Blast him. Grab Betsy. Grab his shovel. Tornado attack didn't work. I throw the shovel away. Grab Betsy again. Drag out to the outside where there's a tractor. I've seen the farmer use a tractor before. I throw Betsy up by the gas pedal. I say, when I say floor it, do it.

I push buttons. I pull levers. Get that thing rumbling. Point it right towards where that farmer's shaking in my shit pile. I say, floor it!

And I remember Betsy's a pile of hay. Can't really do that. I scramble. I like, shit, I'm on the other side of the tractor. It's already going. She's going to blow if I don't divert power to the engine or the wheels. So I dive for the gas pedal, push Betsy, unfortunately, out of the window. And I see Betsy tumble right under the tractor thresher blades. No!

She was a pile of hay. She actually reformed back into a bale. The blanket perfectly back all the way on the other side. Actually better than before. After what I had done to that pile of hay, it was not in the correct shape anymore. Betsy's behind me. I hit the gas pedal. Try again.

I think you need a 16. All right, I rig it to self-destruct and then I dive off with Betsy if you want something a little different. No, I like that. I just don't know if it's going to work. Please? Dear Penthouse Forum, I can't believe it happened to me. I'm with Betsy. About three minutes in, Farber wants his face. He fed me oats. I know what that means. He fed me oats. I know what that means again. Oh.

I look down. I look down. Best is not even a pig. It's a bale of hay with a blanket. What the shit? Tricked again. Farmer gets there. I know he likes to watch. I'm not into that. But he's too polite. He won't kill me until I'm done finishing. And I look around. A bucket of milk. Obviously, milk equals jizz. I put the milk underneath me. I take my hoof and...

I can do this for hours. And I do. And about halfway through the bucket of milk, I realize he's too polite. If I pretend a heart attack, he'll get worried and come to help. So I clean the milk off my hoof and then he comes in and he's all bending down. And that's when shit attack.

And I shit all over him, especially his face. And he's writhing around. And then I use that opportunity to go behind him and pick up a shovel that he dropped. And I also, I brought Bessie with me. Don't forget that. And I try and tornado attack. And the shovel doesn't do nothing because I'm a pig. And then I'm like, whoa. And I run over to the tractor that's parked over across the way. And I toss Bessie by the pedals. And I'm like, when I say the word, you floor it. And then I climb up and I push buttons and I pull levers and it rumbles to life. And then I yell down at Bessie, floor it!

and nothing happens 'cause Bessie's a pile of hay. So I jumped out, I chucked Bessie out the window, and she unfortunately falls into the thresher blades of the tractor. But it's okay, 'cause she's made of hay, so she reformed perfectly into the exact same pile of hay on the backside of the tractor. And the blankets wrapped around her, she's even better, 'cause she's not all beat up by me fucking her. And then I floor it right over into the farmer, but then I realized that the wall of my pen is made of stone, so the tractor just goes right into the stone wall and then, doink, and nothing.

And at that point I realized the farmer always keeps a loaded, cocked, ready to go shotgun hanging on the back wall of the cab of the tractor. And even though I don't have fingers, I could probably get that thing down close enough to him and then trigger with something. So I'm like, I'll shoot him in his stupid face. So I get the gun out of the tractor and I lay it down, sort of aimed it and I try to pull the trigger and kill him with the shotgun.

Alright, 15 or higher. Please. No. It's a six.

All right. Oh, dear. I don't have a lot of time. I'm 29 minutes into a 30-minute orgasm when I hear his footsteps coming by. Farmer Watson's name is going to kill me. He fed me oats this morning. Real nice guy, but I know what's up. I don't have long left. Drag a bucket of milk under me. Start spewing out milk. He can't tell the difference. He's half blind anyway. I was half blind. Look down Betsy's pile. Hey, in a blanket. Don't have a lot of time. It was great until it wasn't. Start flinging that out, and then I realized I needed

Do a heart attack. Shake off my paw at the same time. Fall over, roll down. He's so nice. Comes over real close. Right within shitting distance. Shit in his eyes. Grab Betsy. Grab his shovel. Try to swing his cap. Didn't work too low to the ground. I go outside where his tractor is. And I know that I've seen him use it before. Throw Betsy up by the gas pedal. I say, when I tell you to floor it, you floor it. I start pushing buttons, pulling levers. And I get it lined up. Engines rumbling. I go, Betsy, floor!

Sorry! Duh, pile of hay. Stroll it out the window. She goes in and thresh her blades. No! And then she reforms into a pile of hay, pre-fucked, with a blanket still on it. It's great. Save that for later. I aim the tractor right at Farmer John where he's twitching in my shit pile. I hit buttons. I gun it. No, it bounces off. Doink. Right out of the barn. Then I look back. That doink threw a shotgun down off the wall. Oh, shit, that's great. Grab the shotgun. I think I can get this kid in my mouth. Go over and try to shoot him in his stupid face. Boink! Blank! Fuck!

Fuck! He's so nice! He just had blanks in his shotgun! He wasn't gonna kill me at all! Maybe he wasn't gonna kill me! I apologize. I say, "Hey, bro, maybe I misread the whole situation. Can you please forgive me?" You did right by me by that hay bale. I'm not gonna lie. Couldn't tell the difference. Why don't we just put all this behind us? Pal? Pal? I should- I put my jizz-covered poof out there for him to shake. Pal? Buddy? You need a 14?

why all right i have a new strategy i'm gonna try and get to the part where i add new stuff in one breath okay all right

Oh, why is this making it harder to remember? Ah, fucking shit. All right, well, the breath thing was my own rule. Anyway, he's not going to kill me until I'm done finishing. And I see a bucket of milk, and I'm like, ah, and then I dip my hoof in, and I'm like...

And he's standing there watching, and halfway through the bucket of milk, I'm like, if I fade, a heart attack. And then he comes in, and he's so worried. And I'm like, ah! And I grab Bessie, I grab the shovel, and I tornado attack! Nothing happens, because I'm fake. Then I go outside, and there's a tractor. I throw Bessie by the pedals, and I start the tractor. I push the buttons, and I pull the levers, and I'm like, Bessie, floor it! And she doesn't do it, because she's pilehead. I throw her out, thresher blades. Ah! She's fine! Whoa, whoa! She's leaving hotter than before! Woo!

And I floor it, and the tractor hits the wall and just doink, but because of the doink, there's a shotgun. It falls right down. I'm like, ooh, and I get the shotgun out of my mouth, and I go and I shoot it, and bam! It's a blank because the farmer's so nice. And I'm like, oh, this guy's so nice. I stick my jizz paw out, and I'm like, hey, can you forgive me? Hey, hey, buddies! Hey!

And he looks me through his shit covered eyes and he grimaces and he says, I'm going to eat you myself. And I look around frantically because I realize he's not going to forgive me. And there's an oil lamp hanging on the barn up in the rafters of the barn. And I'm like, well, I don't know if I'll make it out, but maybe we'll.

both die, you son of a bitch! And I jump up and I smash the oil lamp so that it bursts into a huge thing of flame and the entire bard is engulfed in a conflagration of flame because it's all filled with hay and all kinds of flammable shit and the farmer's laying there still trying to get his bearings back from the shit and I stare into his eyes as he realizes that he's gonna die and it's all my fault. You need a 13. Oh, good. We're not rolled higher than a 6 in a while, we're doomed.

Just say it was a 13. Oh, for fuck's sake. Mark, you need a 12. Oh, fuck you, man. Three-hour episode of mostly just this one thing. Your penis form. I never imagined what happened to me. You know Betsy, right? Well, anyway, three minutes into it, I have a 30-minute orgasm. I hear Farmer John. He's coming my way. Oh, shit. Oats this morning. I shouldn't have known. He's going to kill me. Look down. It's on.

Betsy's a hay baler to plank it. I say, fuck, grab a bucket of milk that he forgot, pull it under me, start slinging around. He walks in, loves to watch. He sees me slinging around. He's like, oh, I better wait till he finishes. He's so nice. He's so goddamn polite. Anyway, I get a lot of thinking time in as I'm flinging going, ugh.

And then I realize, ah, if I fake a heart attack, he's so nice, he's not gonna kill me if I'm already dying. He might think something wrong with me. Go over, shake my oof off with milk. He comes over real close, shit in his eyes. He falls down, grab Betsy, grab the shovel, try to tornado attack him. Doesn't work, go out to the tractor, throw him up by the pedals. I start pulling off, push the levers. It fires alive. I go, for it! She's a bale of hay. I throw her out the window. She goes into the thresher blades. I go, no! And then she's even hotter than before when she comes out the other side with the blanket still on it. Man, that was a good blanket. Ah!

Hit the gas pedal bounce off the wall boink. Oh shotgun falls down. I grab it in my mouth I go over there. I'm like, I'm gonna blow you away. You some big click bang. It's a blank This guy was so goddamn nice. I stick out my milk covered jizz covered shit covered paw and I go like pal He says no I like well, fuck you then anyway, he was gonna eat me himself He says I grabbed the lantern from up on high I dive bomb into it. I dive up bomb into I headbutt it

Blasts into a fireball conflagration. It takes the whole barn covered in hay everywhere. Wood beams. I say like, baby, I can't kill you, but I'm going to take you with me or something. I said something cooler than that. It was in the moment. I can't remember right now. And then as we're all burning and we're in there, he rises from the embers. He's half, you know, V from Vendetta when he stood out of the ashes, everything went, oh,

That's what he did. Right then and there. He's naked, too. Well, I mean, I'm naked, too, but I'm a pig, but that's okay. And then I see, behind him, Betsy. Betsy there. She's walking into the flames right behind him. He doesn't see. He's, uh, uh, uh. He's too busy screaming, about to kill me. Removes the blanket off of herself. Wraps him and her in the blanket. I'm like, uh.

My bacon sizzling, but she's sacrificing herself to take this guy down once and for all because a blankets gonna seal them both up They will both burn and I might live but he will die and I might die I have a clarifying question is Betsy at this point still just a pile of hay. It's a Bailey with the blanket Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, clearly. Okay. All right. You need a 12 Bob you're up. It's a three That dice is so bullshit Bob you have a 50% chance dear

Pet House Forum. I can't believe I happen to be with Bessie. I looked out. You know a pig. Three minutes in, the farmer starts walking down. I looked out again. Bessie's made a hay. Oh, no. Farmer comes out. He fed me oats. I know what that means, but he's going to wait to kill me until I finish finishing.

Oh, man, I'm starting to lose bits of it. And I'm like, well, I could finish forever. I see a bucket of milk. I slide that between my legs. I dip my hoof in and I start going. And I'm doing that for hours. And about halfway through the bucket of milk, I'm like, oh, fake heart attack. And then I shake the milk off my hoof. And I'm like, and he comes in because he's stupid. And he looks at me. And as he's bending over, he guards down. I jump all over and I shit all over him. And that doesn't kill him. I don't know why it would. And I grab the Bessie and I grab the shovel and it's torn down.

attack and that doesn't do anything and i grab bessie i'm like ah tractor and i chuck her up by the pedals i'm pulling levers and pushing buttons and rumbles to life and i aim it at the farmer i'm like floor it nothing happens bail hey i check her out she goes into the fresher nothing happens bail of hay but sexy and then i floor it and get it doink hit the wall farmer not dead shotgun falls in i grab the shotgun and i'm like i'll kill him and i really just get back

Oh, it's a blank. Oh, he's so nice. I stick out my jizz mud shit milk covered hoof and I'm like, friends? And he's like, I'll fucking eat you. And I'm like, oh, then we'll both die. And I smash the oil lamp and it bursts into a conflagration and the whole barn's going up because it's filled with hay and shit. And I'm looking around and he's not dying. And I'm like, oh, I'm sizzling. And then I see Bessie jump into action.

and jump on the farmer and wraps her hay bale arms around him in the blanket and seals him up tight and then turns him into a hot pocket.

I'm gonna cook in the barn and I'm like, uh, he's definitely dead now. I'll get the rest of my revenge on his family and I go hop in the tractor and drive up towards the farmhouse and as the tractor is floored right at the farmhouse, I find another oil lamp because it's an old tractor and I smash the oil lamp all over the outside of the tractor and now it's a big rolling fireball and it crashes into the farmhouse to kill the rest of his family!

You need an 11, Ryan. Please, please, please, please. You did it. It's a 15. Oh, the curse has been broken. Welcome to my side of the dice roll, Mark, where you never win and it only gets worse. That was quite a battle.

Many phases. What was the first thing that happened where you did it? Bacteria. I was so excited for the bacteria one. I was like, man, we're going to start off strong. We had the shortest and longest Nigh to win all in this episode. You guys remember Pluto? That was fun.

Very planetary feature. Going through the points here. Bob, I'll start with you. Oh. Bob, you got a point for... You got points for... Tiny car. Ace Ventura. Embarrassed. Pig recollection. Milk equal jizz. Feel me outs. Feel me... Oh, something oats times three. Feed me oats? Yeah, you kept saying he fed me oats, and then he fed me... I found it really funny. It made me laugh. Yeah, I know what that means. He fed me oats. I know what that means. He fed me oats. One breath fail.

Clough, not Paul. Kill his family! And you rolled a 15 for the win. All the stuff in between the one breath recollection and the end did nothing. There's a lot of points there. See, Bob, your problem is you get too many funnies too quickly. He can't keep track of them all.

I try to ration my funnies like a pig's orgasm. I just draw it out. Mark, you got points for 122 terabytes. Cubes. Made cry. Slavering. 20 wins bacteria. Pluto 15. Rolled a 16. Betsy's hay. Bye-bye, Betsy. Jizz paws.

Because you changed the hoof to a paw halfway through? I feel better about the things I got points for now, I guess. How come no one got a point for floor? I don't know. I was probably too busy actually laughing at that point. Oh!

There was a point, Bob, where you were talking and I think Mark and I were just fucking dying. We were laughing so hard. Oh, man. I was like, the first recollection you did, Bob, I couldn't believe you remembered every fucking detail. That's the game. Nah, whatever the fuck his name was. Bob, you finished with 10 points. Mark, you finished with 9 points, making Bob the winner. That's fair. I...

Oh, fucking ghost rider pig with a tractor going up. One of the kids look out the window like, Mommy, I see something. The sun's rising again. Years later, one of the survivors is reading Penthouse and they see where this was written.

And they thought the pig died when it rolled over the house. And then it's like, oh, no, that means looks behind. Fire starts looming at the pig in the doorway. Yeah, Bob, you won. So you get to give a winner speech. Yay, dice rolls. It always feels good to win. And it feels even better to win when I earned it.

That was the first one. I mean, we haven't done this a lot. That's the first time we played a game like that where it got so long. I actually was struggling to remember a lot of it by the end there. I just some details definitely started to disappear from my recollections. Yeah. Mark, loser speech. I think if I could remember Korean vocabulary as well as I remember these words,

I think it just goes to show that if you want to remember anything, start weaving the most absurd tale you possibly can. And you will remember it. You will remember it.

But, you know, I think that as great a start I gave the pig one, or cursed. Bob really took it home with that one. He had some great contributions, some real vengeful ideas, and I concede the victory to Bob for that. That was well, well, well won. I almost died laughing. There was a point where I couldn't breathe.

Cannot disagree with you there. I also felt like that was happening at one point. But good episode, boys. Thank you all for watching. If you haven't already, go follow Bob at MySkirm, Mark at Markiplier, me at Minion777 or LordMinion777. Stay tuned for the next one where Bob will host and who knows what we'll do. Until then, podcast out. Oh, merch. ActualStore.com. Podcast really out.