Mark's Secret Words
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Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, malleable Mark vilifies his vehicle for ravaging his rump, and then sets up a new word order. Warming Wade discusses dump cups, says no to peen, but yes to butt, and plays Palpatine. Bedlam!

Oh! Oh!

Let's get ready to rumble. Every vocal warmup. That's not the only warmup. Oh. Bad dog. Bad. Bad.

Bad dog. I'm sorry, what? No, I don't remember bad dog. You don't remember bad dog? Good girl. Good girl. No! What's the bad dog thing? That was at the very beginning. You push with your diaphragm and you're like, bad dog. I don't remember doing that. I think you did that in your fever dreams, Mark. Medium rare. A large mountain dew. Large. Large.

Mountain Dew. Baja Blast. Baja Blast. Hi. Welcome to Distractable. I'm your host, King of the Cold Opens, Markiplier. Here to guide you through another experience of wit and wonder. That is Distractable, your favorite podcast by force. Ah.

I'm joined today by the competitors. We have Robert Myskins. Hi. Wow. Hi. Hello. And a George Wade Barnes. Hey. Why does he get a middle name? What's your middle name? I can't remember. Martin. Look, I have a light now, too, so you can see me. There you are. Yeah. Wow.

Anyway, they're going to be competing today in a competition where I'm going to assign them points. And then one of them is going to win the episode. And what usually happens is they will host the next episode. That's the way distractible typically works. But it also typically works by starting off with checking in on how our competitors are doing and what their lives are like.

Who wants to go first? I'll go first. I'm doing pretty good. I discovered a new thing. I was telling Wade about this before we were recording, but I felt like I should loop you in, Mark. Canes. We've talked about canes on the very, on the much-loved podcast

Fast food tier list episode. We talked about Kane's chicken, chicken finger place. They have a hot sauce. I didn't know they did this. And today for no reason, because I accidentally got the hot sauce instead of ketchup with my order, I mixed it into the cane sauce. So I made like spicy cane sauce. Game changer.

Gotta try it. Can't recommend it highly enough. It's Louisiana style hot sauce. It's surprisingly good. Gotta try it. Can't let it go. Been thinking about it since I had lunch like an hour and a half ago. Which is not that long, but I think I'll continue to think about it for a much more impressive amount of time after this.

And now I'm hungry. That's really good. Thanks for that, Bob. You're welcome. I could talk about other delicious food stuff if that would help. We'll get back to you. We'll get back to you in a second. Wade, how are you doing? I'm good, man. I'm looking particularly handsome today. I'll give you a handsome point. Ouch. It's okay, Bob. Keep trying. No, Bob, you're looking typically handsome. He's looking particularly handsome. The usual appearance of him is atypical from his current state.

I feel like both of us should be offended by this. Yeah, I feel like that just... I took a little off me and put a little on Wade. Fair is fair. How are you, handsome? I was better about 32 seconds ago, but otherwise doing pretty good. Editors confirmed that it was 32 seconds ago. I was doing some traveling. Had a friend stay with us. Been playing Diablo Season 5, Diablo 4, and it's actually pretty fun. I'm actually really enjoying myself and want to play more a lot. I

I enjoyed season four. I'm enjoying season five even more and glad that it's finally fun. And also I'm becoming addicted to hibachi and I want it all day every day right now. And Bob mentioned food. My immediate thought was steak, shrimp, filet mignon and rice. Yeah. With hot sauce on it, right? I...

Well, hold on. With Kane's Louisiana house sauce. You take the hibachi yum yum sauce and you mix in some Louisiana style hot sauce and then it's even better. I think you've talked about hibachi for the past three episodes straight. Diablo and hibachi has been his only small talk for a while now.

That's all I've had, man. I've been traveling. I mean, I could tell you about family reunions and hanging out with my nieces. Family sucks. Don't tell me about family. Going to the pool with my dogs and my friends. I can tell you about stuff like that. That sounds very pleasant. Why would that not make sense? I can tell you about how much I enjoy Deadpool Wolverine, but trying to give any spoilers. Or I can tell you about Diablo and Hibachi. Yeah.

Are you going to pick any of them? Yeah, Diablo and Hibachi. Okay, all right, cool. Well, that's great. I have a food-related nightmare. Oh, cool. You guys know how I hate my car? Generally, sure. Yeah, I hate it. It's awful. It falls apart. It's broken now. Hopefully it'll... Is it ever not broken? No, very rarely is it not broken. The suspension is completely out. I had to drive it to Beverly Hills, California,

the other week. And what I have is a Tesla Model X. I got it in 2017. I've had it for a very long time now, but even the moment that I bought it, it was broken, specifically the suspension. And so the suspension went out because it's got this fancy air suspension. And if the compressor doesn't work, then it doesn't have those big air bladders. It does have springs in it, I think.

But the way those springs work when the air suspension is not there because the car is so heavy, it kind of just jolts your spine at every tiny bump and it really starts to undulate uncontrollably on rough roads. If it's not the most perfectly smooth road, I think my spine is going to shoot out of my ass or out the top of my head. Not pleasant.

But that's not why I hate. Yeah, that's not a food related nightmare at all. What's going on here? That's like Son of Beast back in the day. You should try whatever happens and you're about to tell us you should do on the old Son of Beast, right? I got a real wooden roller coaster of a car going on over here. It is very much like that. Either Son of Beast or The Beast. Either one. It's spine jarring. But what happened was and it's my own fault.

I left a bag of fast food in the car. I just forgot to throw it away or something. And usually, you know, I've done that before and I'm sure plenty of people have done that before. It's not a huge issue. It kind of stinks. You throw it away and it's fine. I opened the car door and I look and I'm like, oh, I left the food in there.

And something on the dashboard's moving. Oh, no. I think it's a trick of my eyes or something. Blink a few times. Squeak, squeak. The food gained sentience? No. Chicken, what are you doing? How do you get out of the thing? It was a trail of small, dark specks moving across my white dashboard. Mouse poop gained sentience? No, it was ants. Oh, man.

There was an army of ants inside. And what I know about this car is that's got a super fancy air filter that's supposed to be like it's it's like I want to get rid of this car as soon as possible. But one of the the selling points of it was it had this big,

super powered air filter that could combat forest fire smoke. It has biohazard mode. That's it. It's a thing. Yeah, our Tesla has that too. That's a thing. It doesn't have recirculation like normal cars has biohazard mode. I,

don't know how the ants got in if this thing is so sealed that tiny particulates of toxin in the air can get can't get through how in the hell well ants can lift like 600 times their weight so what they did was they took the filter out got in and put the filter back behind them i'm thinking that is either true or the mice that were living in the frunk chewed their way through something and

And opened up a path into the car. Your filter is just a hole. You should check your authorized users on the app. Did you accidentally send a phone key invite to someone named Anthony? That's sort of a code name they use. Just one ant carrying a huge iPhone because they can lift 600 times their weight walks up next to your car and is all pops open.

He leaves a lot of fast food in here. That's very funny. Anyway, that's my small talk for the day. That's not... I mean, I have had ants, and

And I don't care for them. That's not like horrific. I thought you were going to say there was like maggots in the food or something and you had just eaten it the day before or some kind. Ants, ants happens. It's the idea that I've never experienced ants in a car before. I thought that that would be like one of the few places that is ant proof. You know, you can always escape the ants by going to your car. It's not. Yeah, well. The ants go everywhere, especially if you had previously had mice in there. I didn't.

you had mice in the front there in the front yeah i mean that car that car is pretty old i didn't realize you had it since 2017 that's that's an old car yeah i wanted to ride it into the dirt i just didn't expect that to come so quickly hey dirt comes at you fast next upgrade from ants and mice is gotta be something bigger right when you're gonna have like a family of possums i mean for all i know they are there i haven't checked early i kind of saw the ants went and then jumped out well there's like

eight different trunks in those things so have you trekked the front the sub trunk the second sub trunk the sunk the thunk the monk sunk the bunk the lung the thunk the the i was gonna say the gunk but that's not a trunk in the car that's the the new ai assistant that lives in your tesla

His name's Gunk. I only turn left. Gunk, can we navigate to a hibachi restaurant? What is hibachi? I take you to McDonald's again. I only turn left. I don't know why he's like the bad guy from that Rocky movie. If he dies, he dies. I was reminded of a story involving cars. You don't have a car. How could you have a story with cars in it?

Oh, it wasn't my car, thankfully. If it was my car, I might have even told this story anyway on this podcast, but I don't remember. Have I ever told you about how a friend ruined another friend's date with a car? I don't think so. I'm sure you have, but I don't remember it either. So get ready for the angry comments. So back in high school days, one of my buddies decided that he was going to be brave and tell the group that he had a date the next morning or the next day. I don't remember exactly what time the date.

was. So my other friend heard that and he was like, no, you don't. Friend one didn't lock his car. So people could just get in, do whatever. It was fine. It just didn't lock his car. So friend two got into his car, found that there was a styrofoam cup in there and decided to take a dump in said cup, close up the car, leave it there. And this is the middle of summer. God.

car heats up gets pretty uh warm oh i remember now and he got ants because of that uh-huh the date was anthony what the hell is wrong with teenage boys jesus christ uh needless to say he got into his car and i went to go pick up his date and he was like well he didn't notice until he got there oh he noticed he went he noticed the moment he got in he was like trying to figure i was like trying to figure

What? The source, because you get into a car, you don't immediately just assume that someone took a dump in your car. It smells more like shit in here than usual. Hmm. Maybe I'm overestimating my nose powers. I don't think I would need to sit in a car for more than a minute to be like...

Oh, it smells like a shit. I better get to the bottom of where the shit is. Apparently finding the source of it took a minute because he didn't immediately assume that his empty styrofoam cup all of a sudden had human shit in it. Well, that's not where he usually shits in his car. Why wouldn't he assume that? What does that mean?

The crazy thing about this story is I never even found out what happened with the date because I'm pretty sure he just either called it off or could like he was not going to go pick up his date in a car that smelled like human shit. I feel like you get a do over. I feel like I would have texted the girl or called and been like, hey, so one of my friends took an actual poop in my car. So I'm not going to subject you to that. Can we be busy like next weekend or would you believe someone if that was their excuse to get out of a date was like, hey, one of my friends took a dump in my car. I've got to reschedule. Yes, I would. But I don't know.

I would absolutely believe that. And I'd be like, thank you so much for not letting me be in that car. If you could send me a video of the poop, you have to find it first. So if you could send me proof, I would appreciate that. And then I'll agree to reschedule with you. But otherwise... You get a grainy flip phone camera picture of the church. Turns up later in a creepypasta blog, you know, it says SCP-1021.

Just a cup of shit that appears in your car to ruin your dates. I want to preface this. This was the time when Jackass was very popular and this particular group of friends of mine did all kinds of dumb stuff like that. Oh, I had that friend group. We didn't shit on anything, though. You know, Jackass was really more about physical violence than anything else. They poop.

They did that in a toilet store. You know, they pooped in the toilet store. Yeah, but that was like one bit. I would say 98% of all of the rest of Jackass had to do with jumping off of something or into something or putting something painful in somewhere sensitive. Not a lot of bits involved shitting in inappropriate places. There were lots of things done with BB guns and fireworks that shouldn't have been. One friend decided he wanted to be run over by his own car. And then while the car was coming at him, he realized he wouldn't fit under it. So he jumped.

and took out his own windshield and how fast was the car coming at him? I don't know because I wasn't there. I wouldn't have I would not have endorsed that one. He didn't test it before it started moving like I I

I can squeeze under there, I'm sure. This was not the chess club friend group. He knelt down next to it and was like, yeah, I'm that thin. Let's do it. I don't even know if that much was done. It was more so like, oh no, I forgot about my huge, huge balls. I'll never make it under there. Couldn't tell you. I wasn't there for it, but. It's like the most high stakes version of the cake test at the gym where you roll the barbell and see if it gets stuck on your ass. Cake test. Oh, too big, too big. Ah!

And he needed skin grafts over 80% of his body. But he has a big ass. Well, this friend group did a lot of stuff like that. We had, uh, there was a day at the cafeteria at school where I was like, man, I need to use the restroom before class after eating. And I went into the bathroom and he was taking a dump in the urinal to a crowd of people. Oh, what a douchebag. That's not a bad.

That's just shitty. I think this guy, yeah, I think he just likes pooping. That's just being a jerk. He did like pooping. I think I know who the suspect in the poop cup was. I don't think it was a secret back then. Ha ha.

Wait, so I don't know if this compares. Did you guys have any friends growing up that were known as the kid who did, maybe not shitting in urinals, but like did something all the time that was basically just completely unhinged? Like we had a buddy who, if you gave him five bucks or a dollar or whatever you had, he would take a cinnamon Altoid or any kind of mint that you could crush into powder, crush it up in a textbook and then snort it.

And he would. And that was like his thing. And I swear to God, it was like if he didn't have lunch money, he'd just go look and be like, anyone got two bucks? Let's see me snort some stuff. Yes. The most common phrase was not even two bucks. It was, hey, I got a dollar. I'll give you a dollar if and whatever he said next. This group of people be like, yeah, I'll do that. Not sure I ever heard of. No, it's crazy, man. They're so cool. All right. Well, that's that's I guess.

That's horrible. Yeah. I hope kids are better now. Are you the one? Did you poop in the cup? I always know. I consider myself to be like Chucky from Rugrats. I'll give you two points if you say yes. I won't because I wasn't. I'm not going to lie to you. I pooped in the cup. I poop in every cup. Any cup you find with poop in it is probably me. I just poop in so many cups. Dude, I spent my entire youth being like, guys, that's probably not a good idea. And then being proved right whenever something horrible would happen. You were the kid in the magic school bus. What? What? Uh.

The kid with the glasses who was always nervous about everything. They said his name was funny, like, oh, Oscar. I don't know his name wasn't Oscar. Franklin. Oh, Bill Thorpe. Bill Thorpe? Dom, Dompo. Dompo's not a name of a person. Oh, Glimp. Oh, Poopypants. Oh. Oh, Bliffle. Moving on, we have a real, real, real episode today. Very real. How many cops am I going to have to shit in? Uh.

We'll see by the end of this. We're going to play a little game. And it's a game that you guys have played before. It's a game that you guys are good at. It's called Word Association. Ooh.

Ooh, I'm good at these. I'm just going to go and we're, I'm going to give you a word and then we're going to go back and forth and you guys are going to think of a word associating with it. And then you're going to go back and forth and I'll tell you when to stop. Is this, are we doing like free word association? Like don't think just like, just keep it going. Keep it going. Yeah. This is more of a warmup to the,

Okay. Realness coming up. But is my word, like, let's say you say a word, Bob says a word. Am I reacting to your word still or his word? His word. His word is going to make you think of your word. And then you're going to go back and forth until I say stop. And it's back and forth between me and Wade once you give us the first one, right? Exactly. Yes. Okay. All right. So, Wade, you can go first if you'd like. I'm going to say a word. You associate it with whatever comes to mind in your mind for this word. And Bob, listen to him. And then Wade, listen to him. All right. Ready? Ready?

Yes. The words are bird, bush, hand, grand, canyon, horse. Here we go. Bird. Frog. Leap. Jump. Scotch. Whiskey. Bourbon. Drink. Eat. Smell. Fart. No. Yes. Left. Okay. Okay.

Happy. Woo! Smile. Big. Small. Penis. Yes. No. All right, we'll call it there. You guys got an zero points.

Welcome to Mark's Secret Words. Oh, okay. All right, here we go again. God, man, what an original sounding game. I can't wait to figure out how this one works. It is, it is. So here's how the game is going to work. On the screen for the audience was a list of six words. I've already played this with myself.

I have thought of the first word and then I went associated with myself along a list of words that reached a conclusion. I'm gonna let you go for 20 words or so. I wasn't quite counting there, but I just estimated after I remembered that I needed to count. You will get a point if you hit any of the words in between my first word and then the last word that I associate with. If you get the last word that I associate with, you get three points. And then there will be a bonus round

Afterwards, if you can guess my explanation of why I landed there, I have written out not only six words, but after the six words have been guessed, there's an explanation of how I got there. So even if you don't get a single word, if you can guess how I got to my word, I will give you another point. I love this. I love this for us. Would you like to know what my order? Yeah, no, I'm interested. So my word order.

was bird, bush, hand, grand, canyon, horse. I know why you said horse. Do you? Yeah. You can ride a donkey down the Grand Canyon and I saw a video once where a girl almost died when the horse got real close to the edge. You were thinking about the Grand Canyon and you were thinking and you can go down in there, right? And you can like ride something. Well,

What the fuck animal is that? It's probably like a horse, right? It's a horse. It's not a horse, Mark. You ride burrows into the Grand Canyon just so you know. What's the difference? It doesn't matter what the truth is. That's why I thought of that. I know. I could hear it happening as you were saying the words. I got there with you. All right. And I'm going to say it's probably because you were thinking you could ride a horse in the Grand Canyon. That's my guess. Yeah.

That's a great guess. Unfortunately, Bob got there first, so I'm going to give the point to Bob. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Well, you know, Rocket Money, it will also send you an alert if like one of your bills increases in price. Yeah, Wade started up his own website called Lonely Fans. Just me there. This is confusing. Look.

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This episode is brought to you by Coca-Cola Creations. What happens when the best drink and the best cookie in the world get together? The best become besties. Let's taste the new Coca-Cola Oreo Zero Sugar Limited Edition. Mark, do you have yours? Are you excited? They sent us these special, and then we're going to try them. I've been in an undisclosed location, kind of in a... Sucks to be you. Cheers, Bob. Yeah. Yeah.

I actually haven't had like a tasty treat in a while. It's been... It's like if Oreos was a drink, honestly. It's kind of an unexpected flavor, but it's almost like kind of like the icing of an Oreo. What do you think, Mark? Editors, put in the sound of me glugging. It's great, guys. So good. Try the new Coca-Cola Oreo Zero Sugar Limited Edition. Besties for a limited time. Taste it while it lasts. Ah.

Copyright 2024, The Coca-Cola Company. Copyright 2024, Mondelez International Group. But now that you guys know how Mark's Secret Words works, you guys can understand that the objective is not just try to come up with the first word that comes to mind. It's also to try to follow where my mind would wander as I'm thinking of these words.

Uh-huh. A lot of lenses. Got it. You don't know that that word's anywhere on this list. It definitely is. The plural of lens still counts as lens, right? Different words. If it counts in Scrabble as different words, then it's different words. Here's the thing, though. It's not just words. Sometimes it's concepts and like multi-word phrases in general. It's very rarely that, but it can be that. So I'll let you know that sometimes it's not just one word. That's why it's marked secret words-uh.

And therefore, there's another way to go. Bob, you're going first this time, all right? Okay. Your word. And here's the words for everybody watching at home. If you're listening at home, maybe there's a text-to-speech robot that's giving you exactly what these words are. Can I see them? No. Oh. The words are... Hospital. Nurse. Worst. Sausage. Intestines. Hospital. Your word is... Hospital. Bed. Scar. Ufasa. Scar.

Lion. King. Queen. Dairy. Milk. Me. Laugh. Factory. Build. A bear. Fluffy. Bunny. Slap. Stick. Dog. Party. Drink. Hole. Alright, I'll... Wait, keep going. Wait, maybe. Mouth. Butt.

Yes. That'll do it. All right. This game is going to be so good, guys. You got... What did we get close to, Mark? Did we get all of them? Oh, man. You got both ends of the thing that it was attached to, but you didn't get the word itself on one of them. So my order of words...

Oh, no. Was hospital, nurse, worst, sausage. And there's a bonus point if you can guess why I said sausage. Because worst. Worst. I guess Bob got it. Okay, all right. I understand. I just can't predict what you're going to think, you psychopath. Then intestines, because I was in the hospital a lot for intestines. And one said mouth, one said...

Ass. Sausage intestines. Got it. And then hospital. I went back to hospital again. You went back to hospital? Yeah, I know. I've seen the videos, dude. You don't have to brag. All right.

So Wade, since Bob stole that one, do you, I mean, you kind of said it already, but why did I get to hospital? Your intestines had to go back and get operated on. Yeah, that makes sense. I'll give you that one. I have another addendum that you guys would never ever get that's on here for a bones point, but Bob, I'll give you a chance. I have no clues to give this to you. This is not related to anything except the whole thing is a concept. I just have to guess what concept. I wrote a different addendum description on this at the end. Here it is.

Here it is on screen for everybody at home. This one is probably not fair. You find it limiting and arbitrary that people who do word association think you can't go back to the same word. It makes sense that you would say hospital again in a string of things that you're talking and thinking about that are all related initially to hospital. That...

is alarmingly close to what I said, except that it's the exact opposite point of view because I said, in parentheses, this one is probably not fair. That's what I said and you just justified how it was fair. That's incredible. Thank you, but I won't give you that points. Nope. No, sadly, no. No, no points for that.

The words are...

Slap. Anger. Jack Nicholson. What? Jack Nicholson? Oh, I thought you said testicles. All right. Okay. No, Jack Nicholson. Tiger Woods. Crash. Into me. Boom.

All right, we'll end it there. All right, Bob, you got two. Yeah! What? What about me? Wade, you got none. Bob, you might have gotten one and a half, but I'm willing to give you... I swear to God, if one of them is happiness, but spelled differently, you're so upset. No, that's not what it is. So my train of thought went from tooth, fairy, hairy, and Bob, you said hair, so I would be like, I'd give that half a point or a full point, depending on what things fare. Wade...

That was my next word. Bald water. Which you said. What? Bald water? I'll give you a bonus point if you can explain how I got to water. I think of the drowned man a lot when I think of Wade. A is the second letter in both. And whenever you see my head, it makes you kind of get all salivating and drooly and wet. And it makes it like water.

I know why you said water. You said bald, but you were actually still hung up on Wade, and you were like, what else goes with Wade? You Wade in water. There's no way that's what you have written down. You're so close, but so wrong. All right, so neither of you get it. Well, why don't you write down? What does it say? The last three words were Wade, bald, and water, and then I think of the drowned man a lot when I think of Wade. Hmm.

Wait, you were in it. Water. Your whole house was flooded forever. You know, I'm glad the things I try to block out from memory are the things you associate with me. We made a new documentary. I lived it. I have a t-shirt with that on it. Exactly. We sold a t-shirt to help pay for your walls. I have the shirt too, which is kind of productive to helping me. Bob, you get two points. I think we all agreed that that was good. Killing it. You got there circumventious from what I was thinking of already.

All right, but this one is going to be a bit trickier. And if this gets too out of the ordinary or too imbalanced, I'm going to start giving the first two words. So maybe that'll correct the trajectory of where it's going to go. The words are participate, convention, meet and greet, speak and spell, that thing that has a face but has a microphone and a tape recorder, nostalgia. Bob, are you ready? I'm ready. Your word.

Participate. Trophy. Team. Party. Group. Activity. Olympics. Medals. Gold. Australia. Winning. Delusional. Breakdance. Kinda. Definitely. Technically. Sorta. Kangaroo hops. Drugs. Illegal. Do them. Dare to think differently. Olympics. Alright! Wow!

the hail mary of maybe he did it again i don't know that he ever had olympics in there but oh i know we said olympics twice he didn't what was mark's word team participate participate okay yeah wow so it got super off topic but at the same time you guys got a whopping nothing all right yeah you say it got off topic but like your own words you went from fucking bird to canyon so like you know it happens

All right, man. Look, man. I'm sorry. You got off topic for my word. I'm sorry. Our word association's not good enough for you. My word. Anyway, you guys got no points. And honestly, I don't blame you because this one, I don't even know what my brain was doing. I went participate to convention, which made sense. Meet and greet. Meet and greet went to speak and spell. Speak and spell went to that thing that has a face but has a microphone and a tape recorder. Okay.

The government? His name's Mike. Is that his name? I don't know. His name's Mike. Yeah, from Toy Story. He stands too close to Woody, the feedback. Right, yeah. Anyway, and then I went to Nostalgia. We were basically there. Wade, you get the first crack at the bonus points. Why did I get to Nostalgia? I got nostalgic when thinking about childhood toys, but I didn't have toys as a kid because I was poor.

Uh, thinking back on the past and Toy Story or if that's not what got you there, then just like childhood toys and things that we used to play mess around with. That's it. Childhood toys. That's it. I didn't know we could just string guesses together. It might've been Toy Story. It might've been childhood toys. It might've been that you looked at a poster on your wall. It made you feel nostalgic. I was thinking out loud, man. You do the thinking in here. I do the thinking right here. Bob, there's another bonus point here. Oh God.

That's a random thought that's associated with the description of what was just there. Mark wrote in the margins of his scribbles, man, why do I always feel the urge to say speak and spell like it's in a German accent? And I just missed your speak and spell.

That's now what's in the margin. I was hoping one of you would say, but Mark, you didn't have toys as a kid because you were so poor. That's what I wrote down in those episodes. We're trying to be nice to it because you're the host. Like Bob thought it. I'll give you a hint for future things. You guys said so many things that are in other lists to come.

in this recent one. Okay, and I remember what we said. I don't know if that's going to throw you off. You guys would have gotten many points if it was related to anything else. Bob, get us to Kangaroo Hops. I think that's the one. Wade, you're up next. The words are... Senior. Prom. Old person prom. The old guy from Toy Story 2.

All right, Wade, your word is senior. Senior, like senior citizen? Senior, just senior. Graduate. The graduate. Diploma. Silly hat. Medal. Of honor. Service. Medal. Olympics. Olympics.

Gymnastics. Kangaroo hops. Australia. Breakdance. Technically. Computer. Algorithm. All right. No, no. Stop. Code. Stop. Stop. Code. I hear you. Wait, you're supposed to. Yeah, I know he gave us a hint, but that was just random unrelated stuff. It came to mind.

mind man I said what came to mind that's fair so here's the scoreboard you guys got no points I can't believe it when you said the medal or whatever you said that got me to medal medal I was like oh back to Olympics and then that opened the floodgates of all the other words which was with honors one or graduating with honors because you had a reaction when I said of honor no nothing my list went from senior to prom to old person prom okay

to the old guy from Toy Story 2 to glasses to perfect eyes. We were very close, Bob. The next word you would have had would be kangaroo hops. That would have been it. Bob, why did I get to perfect eye? I have perfect eyes.

Uh, because you thought you said glasses and then you thought about how you had the smiles surgery and how you now have perfect eyes and you don't wear glasses anymore. That's it. That's it. That's it. Perfect eyes.

Not selfish. Mark says the word perfect. He gets there by thinking about himself. It is. Yeah. It's Mark's secret words. It's all about me. It's all about me. I will say I started this list from a random word. So I had a website that was just completely random words. The words are...

Frank. Hot sauce. The hot ones guy. Bald. Wade. Water. Wade. No, Bob. Who's going first? I go first. Bob, you're going first. Your word is Frank. Sinatra. Singer. Dancer. Moves. Sits. Standing ovation. Sitting silence. Clapping. Jazz hands. Saxophone. Tch.

Trumpet. Instruments. Technology. Synthesizer? Synthesizer? I barely know her. Alright, okay, we're way off base. I'm gonna give you the first two. Are we starting over? Yeah, we're gonna start over because you guys got nothing again. So Bob, I'm gonna give you the first two. Good, that'll help. I went from Frank to hot sauce. Oh, Tabasco. Put that shit on everything. Shit everywhere. Shit everywhere.

Spicy. Meatball. In your mouth. Too hot. Hot damn. Queen. Latifah. Queen Latifah eating a cheeseburger? The Hamburglar. McDonald's. Wendy's. Alright, listen to their... Redheads. Sorry, what? How many did we get, Mark? How many did we get? You guys got zero. Zero.

This is such a good game. Wait, is this what happens when you have your secret words and we don't say any of the words? Oh, dude, it feels great when you're hosting and you see those goose eggs. You know what Bob and I should do? Is go to court and just have a serious drama about things and not even participate. Alright, so one second, wait. Mmm, this food's good. Mmm.

Okay, so I went from Frank to Hot Sauce to the Hot Ones guy. Sean Evans? Don't know his name. Sure. To Bald to Wade to Water. All right, well, at least we have a pattern. I live rent-free in that noggin. Oh, no. Uh, Wade, I think it's your turn. Why did I get here? How did I get to Water?

This is just what happened again. The guy from Hot Ones is bald and that got me on the same train. Well, I'm pretty sure. Let me go down the list here. Hot Ones guy is bald, which got you to bald, which got you to me. When you think of me, you think of the water damage and the drowned man. That's it. That's it. That's it. You get the bald point. All right. But I think of you a lot. I think of you a lot. In relation to one topic, he thinks of you all the time. I think of you all the time.

Bald and water. Ah. I'm glad our decades-long friendship has meant so much. Water is like essential to life. You say that in The Drowned Man. I do, yeah. Once the bringer of life, yeah. Thank you. Now the bringer of death. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Everyone listening at home, everyone watching at home, don't question this. Here's the list of words. The words are, Gap, pop your pussy on down to our spring sale. Tick tock.

Update. Apology video. Hey guys. Alright, Wade, it definitely ends in bald Wade water. 100%. Or kangaroo hops. I'm waiting for it to come back. This is the most absurd list I know, but it's just what it is. Can't wait for you to feel insulted when we don't get to it. Let's do it. Alright, who's turn, Wade? Me, yeah. Wade, your first word is gap. Thighs. Breast. Hot. Chicken. Chicken.

Marlon's like he's gonna orgasm. Oh, I was disappointed. What do you mean? Uh, mouth. Breather. But I hardly even know her. Hey, that was my bit. I'd like to see their bits. Um, harassment. I'm just gonna close this pen. HR. VR. Headset. Goggles. Goggling. Googler. I hardly even know her. Oh!

Alright, well, let's end it there. If I give you the second one, it's not gonna help you at all, so I'm just gonna go ahead and give the list. It went from Gap to Pop Your Pussy on Down to Our Spring Sale. What the fuck? No, that was... Bob and I were right there. That's...

But what if we had gotten that, though? Can you imagine? I would have been so happy. But the reason and OK, it goes from that to tick tock, then update, then apology video to hey, guys. Why does apology? OK, so do you guys know the the popular? No.

No, I'm unfamiliar with that. No, man, I don't know that. You're saying that you didn't come up with that? No, I would... There was a voice, like an AI voice changer on TikTok or something that sounded just like the person who does ad reads for Gap or any of those sales. So they did a video that was like, it's our blockbuster summer sale. So get out your tits and pop that pussy down.

It's really funny. I swear it's funny, guys. It's really funny. Bob, who's turn? Bob, how did I get to the end of that train of thought? This isn't about Wade. It's just that apology videos usually start with a sad, hey guys, or oof, never thought I'd have to make a video like this.

What was the end exactly? No, you don't remember? Oh, you had to pay attention. Bald Wade Water? Is that what you said? No, that's not what I said. That's okay. I don't need to know the words to know how you got there. You couldn't let go of Pop Your Pussy on over to our Blockbuster Summer Sale. And so literally every word you thought of after that was just whatever word came into your head in between all of the uncontrollable giggling.

There's no rhyme or reason. It's just a random string of words you were dying desperately to think of because you were trying to play the game. No, I mean, in the most technical broad way, maybe, but no. Can I take a crack at it? If I remember right, your last two things were apology videos and then hey guys.

which apology video you got to from all of the other sex stuff, I guess, and TikTok things. And apology videos were big on YouTube, I suppose. YouTube, maybe you thought of something. You were still laughing. So you were like, what's something else funny on YouTube? Oh yeah, Wade's stupid ass intro. Hey guys. My explanation, Wade. Word for word. This isn't about Wade.

It's just that apology videos usually start with a sad, hey guys, or oof, never thought I'd have to make a video like this. It wasn't about you at all. That's hard to believe with all the bald Wade Waters we've had. Look, and that's why I wrote that specifically. That's why I wrote, because when I said apology video, I just heard in my mind, sigh.

Hey guys. I want Kevorkian to get a hold of you and fu- No wait, not Kevorkian. He's the one who'll kill you. What's the- Hold on, what's the psychologist that- I'm not sure who you're trying to think of. Freud? Freud, yeah. Fuck your mother guy, yeah. I want Freud to get a hold of you and look at that like, uh, not your conscious but your subconscious thoughts and see if I'm just- It's just me. I don't think- I explained that it wasn't. Just me with a glass of water. Yeah.

my beer hey you guys are doing great we're killing it i was close i said intro and apology video i was right there so bob you're going first wade you'll get the bonus question here is a list of questions or words the association that i have the words are push push demoman whiskey xxx porn um

There's no way. It's good that you tried to keep these real sane for us. Thanks. You know, it's just, it's authentic. That's what it is. Secret words isn't as easy as you thought, is it? No. Ha ha!

I knew this to be true from the moment in Units Honest when we actually invented secret words. Units Honest. I didn't watch it, so for me, it's an original concept. So when we did the paintball, remember, because it was paintball punchment, Ethan wrote words on a big whiteboard behind me. I had to give a review of it, and when I said a secret word, he would shoot me with a paintball. So this is, you know, I don't know what kind of high horse Wade wants to sit upon when he

Stole from the award-winning series, Unus Annus. What I stole from doesn't exist. I never watched it. That's true. I'm getting a call from the Joker right now. That's probably not good. Just literally Mr. J is calling me right now. I think, am I Harley Quinn? If you answer it right now and go, Mr. J!

I'll give you a hundred bucks. You will win the episode. I just missed it because it's over. I totally wish I had now, but I waited too long to tell you what was happening. Who's up? I'm up first? Yeah, Bob, you're up first. Get us down the right path, Bob. Your word.

Push. Pull. Pussy. Pullie. Exercise. Exorcism. Bin vomiting. A roller coaster. Ooh, big hills. Loop-de-loops. Ride. Mama ride. Motorcycle gang. Sons of anarchy. Daughters of love. Sisters of that one guy. Never.

Never met him. Markiplier? Bald friend. Wade!

Water. Kangaroo hops. Damn it. Any other? Olympics. Nope. Nope. All right. Nope. Okay. Do you want the second word as a hint? Yeah. Maybe we go around again. I'm assuming we got zero points. Yeah. Zero points. All right. Let's try it again. Give us the first two. Let's see if we can get on this bad boy. Here you go, Bob. The first word was push. The second word is push! Exclamation. Exclamation. Exclamation.

Okay. Uh, heave! Get that baby out of there! Oh, no. It's not a word. It's the Lamaze breathing, though. Crowning! Achievement! Unlocked. My heart. Will go on. There was room on the door. Fucking Jack. Sparrow. Rum. Gone.

What the fuck? Beach? Uh, volleyball? Pop? Spinning. Okay, you're off it. Okay. I'm gonna cut it there. I'm gonna give Wade half a point for that. I don't know how that happened. What were yours? Okay, my words were push. Push!

Push Demoman, because I heard it in his voice from Team Fortress 2. Okay. And then I went to Whiskey, and Wade said Rum. And I know they aren't the same, but it's like, it's just in a game of no points. I think I got to give him half a point for that one. All right.

Unless you don't want to, unless you don't want to. No, no, that's fair. That's fair. And then you got completely off again because I went from whiskey to triple X because usually on whiskey bottles, it's like, you know, or is it like moonshine bottles or whatever it is? That's usually like moonshine or something, but yeah. And then I went from there to porn. Man, I was with you on that one. Wade, how did I get? I mean, it's obvious. I'm not proud of this one. Man, wish I could still drink, but thank God I still have porn.

That's a beautiful sentiment. I don't know if it relates to what I said, which was just, I'm not proud of this one. That's all I said. I think you said that you're not proud of this one, Mark. Do I get the point? You never gave him a chance to steal. Oh, wait, yeah. Sorry, I forgot. No, you don't get a point. Oh, well, that's fair. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. There are a lot of fraternal twins out there. Now McDonald's is dropping on us a twin we never expected. Have you boys heard about the chicken Big Mac? The

What does that mean? Two chicken patty, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, and pickles on a sesame seed bun. The special sauce that they only use for the Big Mac. They have it on a new sandwich? Yeah, the chicken Big Mac. It's not not a Big Mac. Get it while you can at Participating McDonald's for a limited time.

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Okay, we only got two more categories here. I believe in us. The words are spray, skunk, tomato juice, Kool-Aid man, blood, iron lung. Wade, you're going first. Cool. Spray. Paint. Me. Graffiti. Artist. Draw. Quick draw. Fire. Aim. Paces. Ten. Eight. Six. Fire. Fire.

Counting. Nope. Whoopsie. Shot myself. Wade. Bald. Water. All right. That's great, guys. You got no points. Why did I think of nine? Ten. Eight. It's like, it reminded me of Ethan. Like, four. Change. Five.

God, counting just always gets me. I don't know why my brain went to eight. Like, even as I said it, I was like, why? Okay, so do you want the second word that I got? Let's go around again. We got this. All right, so who's first? I've already forgotten. Me, I think. All right, Wade. I went from spray to skunk. Stinky. Pepe Le Pew. Uh-huh.

Baguette. Oh, France. Paris. Big Tower. The biggest. Eiffel. Eiffel? I hardly know-all. Sex. Pistols. Firing while coming. Yo, Sexmitty Sam. What's that mustache do, though?

A truck mudflap with sexy Yosemite Sams on it. The balls on the back, but they have the mustache. Truck nuts with mustache. All right, I'm stopping. Yosemite Sam had to be on your list. That's an absolute hit right there. No, but I gave you a point for it. That was good enough for me, I guess. What'd you get, Mark? I went from spray to skunk to

to tomato juice to Kool-Aid man to blood to iron lung. We were so close, Wade. I imagine you arrived there because literally the only thing you can think of when you hear the word blood or see blood or think about blood in any way is probably iron lung. I almost said Iron Man, but that's not the movie you made. You made Iron Lung. That's the one.

Yeah, you get the point for that. What with the eye infection and the ear infection and the probably pneumonia or whatever you had. How did we go from skunk to sexy Yosemite Sam, Bob? Yosemite Sam? You said firing while coming. I'm pretty sure that. Yeah, you just literally described him. And then I just had to say his name. So I said sexy, you said pistols. I just pictured someone with pistols just like, yeah, baby pistols.

It's obvious. There are two more bonus points in this one, and they are related to a personal anecdote that I have not told either of you guys, but is related to the last thing. It happened yesterday. You would have no idea what this is, but there's two points I've grabbed. Here they are for everyone at home. Also had a junk removal guy come dump some stuff, and he was very suspicious about the buckets of fake blood and plastic wrap with fake blood stains.

It's related to the last thing, which was iron lung. All right. So there was one copy of iron lung on a computer and that computer got sprayed by a skunk. So you tossed it in a tub of tomato juice, hoping that the smell would get out. But now every time you play the movie, you're just like, Oh,

Oh, that reminds me of the blood, but worse. I was going to say that is topical, but not correct. I know what he wrote. What happened is you've been having a lot of work done on your house to fix your solar, to get your render farm up and running. And you've had people in your, in your house and specifically in your garage. And there was a guy in your garage who found two 10 gallon jugs filled with blood. And he came and got you and was like, uh,

Shouldn't these be refrigerated? And you were like, oh, it's fake. It's fake. No, it's for a movie or something. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Then your relationship to that electrician was never the same. You get the fucking point, my dude. You get the goddamn point. No, what did you write?

It is close enough because I said word for word also had a junk removal guy come dump some stuff and he was very suspicious about the buckets of fake blood and plastic wrap with fake blood stains. That is what I wrote and you said it was that was close enough. That is wild, Bob. Well done. And he did not tell me. I mean, it wasn't the right story. So clearly he didn't tell me that. Just I just knew what happened.

Wade, there is one more point that is related to that. It's my train of thought on these just pulled straight over. Your train of thought? There's one more point available. I know what he wrote. He charged me extra. Wade, what's my next thought that just came after this related to what was just occurring? Man, I hope he doesn't open the other buckets I have in the garage. No.

Bob Wooden. You paused for a moment and thought about that and then scribbled next to your original scribble. That would probably be a really good way to get away with a murder. You mix a bunch of real body parts and blood in with a bunch of fake blood and just say that it's from a movie or YouTube video or something.

You know, I wish I would have said that because I told him and I realized it was I did think that, but I didn't write that down because I told him, don't open the buckets. They've they're very stinky. Like they've fermented. You don't want that smell anywhere. So they wrapped it in plastic bags and everything. But what I wrote was he charged me extra. That's the only other separate thought that came off of that is just like he charged me extra. All right. There's one more category. We've got this, Wade. Lock in.

The words are hand, masturbation, constipation, laxatives, Olympics, breakdancing. Last category, Bob. Hand. Ball. Throw. Discus. Olympics. Gold medal. Competition. I don't know why, but competition. Europe. I'm a peon.

Why will you do that? Jar Jar? You said you're too? Stop doing that. Do it. In Palpatine's voice. No! That's not a quote from the movie. I just thought that. In Palpatine's voice. Maybe. In Palpatine's voice. Wait, turn that up. On the radio. Me so do it.

It's an episode of Robot Chicken. Seth Green. Seth Myers. SNL. FML. Lube.

Oh, no. Get the spatula. Okay. All right. I know that was on your list. One word from my list was said. I won't say who. I won't say what. But I'll tell you guys. One of the words. Was it enough of their words to earn a point for someone? Yeah, yeah. Oh, it was the exact word. Yeah. Bob, I'm going to give you the first two words. Oh.

Okay. And this won't help you at all. Good. Okay. Hand masturbation. Fleshlight. Thrust. Grundle? Lady grundle? Down under. Breakdance. Kangaroo hop.

Gold medal! Beef. Where is it? It's a thing that that made me think of, but I can't remember what it is. Lost keys. Alicia keys? The black keys. Where are my keys? Dude, where's my keys? The giant lady whose underwear you see walking around in that movie. Blade Runner 2042? Harrison Ford. Matt Damon. Jimmy. Jimmy.

All right. We'll end it here, I think. All right. Give us the first five words. No, no, no, no, no. Because another word was said. It was Jimmy, wasn't it? No. If I could do a Carl Weezer impression, I would have done him saying, Jimmy. Jimmy. He's going to Weezer. That was dead on. That was spot on. It's me, Carl Weezer.

Carl Weider! Jimmy, I don't know if that's a good idea! Hand, masturbation, constipation, laxatives, Olympics, breakdancing. No! And Wade, you get a chance to get the bonus point here. How did I get through that train of thought? We once had a video idea that only had the title laxative Olympics, but after all the amazing events of the Olympics, I can only think of that Australian breakdancer. I

I know exactly. I know exactly how you got there. Good luck, Wade. All right. I mean, hand masturbation is pretty easy. Masturbation, constipation sounds similar and like their areas aren't too far apart. Laxatives, because if you're constipated, take laxatives to clear it out. During competition, sometimes people just fucking shit themselves. I don't know if there's something that happened during the Olympics that made that happen, but maybe that's what got you to the Olympics. Olympic memory, breakdancing. Wrong.

Bob up to up to transition to the Olympics. He was generally correct. You got from laxative to Olympics because of all of the stuff about the Seine River being so filled with shit and making several athletes ill after swimming in it for competitions at the Olympics. And then Olympics to break dancing is pretty obvious because all the memes about Ray Gunn and her break dancing for Team Australia. Both of you understand the break dancing part of it.

but you didn't get the laxative part of it, which is what I actually wrote about here. Once upon a time, Ethan, I think, came up with an idea for a video called Laxative Olympics. How would we know about that?

bad it's fair bob it's fair this is my thought you've guessed an event that occurred yesterday that didn't occur that is what i wrote down we once had a video idea that was only had the title laxative olympics and then i did mention but after all the amazing events of the olympics i can only think of the australian breakdancer but i think both of you would only get partial credit for it because the main part of that was laxative olympics which i swear i've mentioned to you guys

laxative olympics is such a dumb idea compared to the one we had called dildo dodgeball i wouldn't disagree because we didn't do it it the idea is that we we take a bunch of laxatives all at the same time and then do a bunch of competitions obviously yeah no i know what's happening whoever doesn't shit their pants whoever shits their pants last wins i still want to do dildo dodgeball one day

I don't. That sounds like it would hurt. That just sounds expensive. You know how expensive it would be to get some interesting dildos to play dodgeball with? No, you just get a bunch of like green nerf guns and you CGI them in. The editors, they call these dodgeballs dildos. Like watch right now. Editors, hit them with the dildo in the face right now.

Here's the total! You guys did great, the competition was wonderful. Bob, you got one initiative point for small talk volunteering. You got a point for Anthony, horse, bratwurst, water, hair, perfect eyes, yo sexmitty Sam. Ummm...

Some slime-sicle. Oh, okay. I remember that, the slime-sicles. Oh, the blood, the blood, the blood. Oh, okay. Yeah. You got it for iron lung being related to blood, and then there was another point you got for blood suspicion. Oh. Ten points. Wade, you got a handsome point for being the most handsome devil on the podcast today. Thank you. You got a point for dump cup, for the shit cup. Hospital, childhood toys, bald...

You got half a run point, eight, which made me laugh, but that's the seventh point. Well, six and a half point Olympics and break dancing, which brings you up to eight and a half points. Yes. It was not golf rules. I don't remember how many Bob had, but I think eight and a half was enough to win, right? Yeah. Didn't I have eight? Bobby had 10. Oh,

I had 10. The next number in line. Yeah, it's right there. It was half a point away. How did we both think I won there? I don't know. Even if we only gave Bob half a point for hair, it still would have been a win for Bob. So congratulations, Bob.

We will someday do a secret golf score episode, but today is not that day. What do you have to say for yourself? I know you. I know what goes on in your head. I know what happens in your day-to-day life. I changed some of the details so I didn't scare you, but I have cameras and I saw your interaction with the junk removal guys and I knew that they charged you extra. I just didn't want to make it too obvious. I had to make the win believable. So...

Sometimes it's good to know things about your friends. Sometimes it's better to know everything about your friends. Wow, I'm unsettled. Uh, Wade, uh, how did this go wrong? Well, it all went wrong whenever I was trying to get into your guys' heads, whenever mine is such a weird clusterfuck of things that, uh, I think maybe I need to go talk to somebody about my train of thought. But yours was pretty fucked up too, so I feel a little bit better about myself. Uh, we're just fucked in different ways, which is why we're friends, not the same person.

Very well spoken. There were no bonus points for the loose speech for secret words. You wouldn't have hit him anyway. I really had to work to get you points. Wade, this concept is a lot harder to get and if I remember when Ethan was trying to shoot me with the paintball, I also did not say hardly any of the words that he said. Turns out trying to predict that is difficult. But you still managed to get some! So thank you everybody at home for watching and/or listening and for hitting whatever button that gives us love. There's a love button out there somewhere.

somewhere on the page that you're listening and or watching to find it. Give us love. Oh, someone found it. It wasn't you who didn't do anything. No, it was someone else. Someone else got there first and gave us that love. And I felt that. And you stood there and did nothing. We'll still feel it if you try. It's worth trying, but I just want you to know you won't be first. Thank you, Wade. Thank you, Bob. Next week, Bob will be hosting because he won. Yay. I will not be. Thank you everybody so much for being here. Podcast out.