99 - 2 Truths And A Lie ft. Caleb Francis & Jarred Taylor
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Through Caleb's big ass shoulder. Oh yeah, look at it. It's right there. I can touch that thing. I can touch. Record.

You have everything but your shot. It's happened, man. It happened a couple weeks ago. I hit it twice. That was one button. Sometimes it's one, sometimes it's twice. The cameras really don't give a f***. Today, I'll just do what I want. They're just like, I know. Wait, did you get a popper? What are you cracking? I got a can of Cheers.

I'll still crack. Are you guys sponsored by Dr. Paper? What's going on here? Get that shit out of here. Get that shit. Get those toilet papers out of here. Holy shit. Holy shit, guys. Dr. Paper's sponsored? This is a very, very stiff drink. You did it. You did it. You did it to yourself. Oh, yeah. Oh, and Jared's going, we're getting white. We're getting white.

Well, let me pull out the rest for you. Here we go. Only the small bottles, you know, today. We'll go ahead and just do a little resub right there. I always say Jared has the most, like he hates drinking face. Have you ever noticed that? Yeah, you just gotta get it done. His face, every time he drinks water, he's like me today because I'm not drinking like me today. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

- I mean, you know, you gotta live up to the, I used to drink out of a France press, or a French press is the real, you actually say it. - No, it's a France press. - Yeah, it's a France press. - It's a France press. - And it was because I could make a quad vodka soda, and I wouldn't have to, when we first started our show back in 2015,

I was thinking ahead. So I had a quad drink. Quadka soda. Yeah. Quadka soda. You guys have been together too long. And then I've done shows laying on the floor. To be honest, I'm surprised we've never ended on the table, on the floor. I'm surprised we've finished. Period. Honestly, how have we remembered to turn everything off?

We have streams where we have it. I would just pass out in my ejection seat. The plane's just on cruise control. People would be calling me like, hey, you're still streaming. You fell asleep streaming. You've like crashed like a hundred times. Literally did that to Heather like two months ago. Yeah. Somebody should tell her. I just like when...

Jared, though, you can black out and it'll be like 5 a.m. You're like...

Hmm. Like where's this hangover? Yeah. Well, I mean like that, I just chugged it. That was probably a triple. I just chugged it. And like my body just kind of went back into normal flight mode. Like I was kind of feeling, I really want to be like, wow, that's awful. But like, I get it. And the crazy thing is, is I've had my liver tested and it's like above good.

Did they get the right liver? I don't know. I mean, it's a small child. Well, let me tell you the story. It was at a high school. Okay, let's see if I can do this. 15 seconds to do an ad.

There goes three. One, new merch. Boom. Boop the tiger. Get the horns. New merch over at Bunker Brandon. Go check that out. Thank you, Angry Cops. Thank you, Fat Electrician. Second, Patty, go. Check me out on Twitch. Third, make sure you like, comment, and subscribe. The bell. And check out my YouTube. I'm doing nerd content. Camera, punch in. Enhance. Enhance. Out of regs. Smell good today. Body wash, pomades, and everything else. Intro, thoughts, starters.

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If you don't already have honey, you could be straight up missing out. And by getting it, you'll be doing yourself a solid and supporting the podcast. Get PayPal honey for free at joinhoney.com slash unsub. That's joinhoney.com slash unsub. I do need to tell you guys about that because it took a while. Like what happened was, is I went to that one of those men's health clinics, right? Yeah. And I wanted to get blood work done. So I get the blood work done. And it was kind of weird because the doctor came in like,

Like literally like four minutes after they took my blood, I was like, well, that was fast. And he's reading off. He's like, hey, you know, you're pregnant. Your testosterone levels are really low. He's like, but I'm seeing some stuff here that I'm...

I'm not really used to seeing him. Like, what do you mean? He's like, well, I need you to go home. I need you to jerk off 10 times and video it and text it to me. And I was like, okay, he's just white. I guess he wanted to see. So like I did that. I got all the time. I sent it. And then the doctor's office didn't call me back. So I went in, I was like, Hey, I saw the doctor the other day and he told me to do this. And they're like, no, that wasn't the doctor.

That was just one of our patients that was waiting for other lab results. He's gay as hell. Apparently, I just sent him like 10 jerk-off videos. You don't even get a refund from the doctor's office or anything. They were just like, we can't help you. I was like, he was... Now that I think about it, he wasn't... I guess it's always going to be like the whole time myself, Maddie streams at our two beautiful, powerful, strong, wonderful...

A little unhinged guest, and of course fucking Jared Taylor. The JT. The JT to the T. Hi boys, hi. I miss back in COVID when I would just jump on your, I would just jump on your Discord and like give you a fucking bad shit idea. Oh my God, you'd be pissed drunk. And I'd be fucking just playing Tarkov and I'd be like in the zone. And all of a sudden, bad fuck. Yeah.

What if we bought one of those UFO space fucking rides from the fairgrounds yeah Do it he needs one

Yeah, we were looking for brackets to put it on the roof and there's a reason for that they can look at this Unpacking this real quick, but before we do any of that Brackets mm-hmm you put it on the you gotta secure it because it's spinning so fast Like the G the gravitron is what it's called by the way. They're about $45,000. I found two for sale in Illinois so

We got to put it on the roof. Tell them why. Because the horses will get into it if they don't. And it fucks them up. It shreds them to pieces. They get in it and they can't handle the jays. I didn't picture a horse just like...

Yeah, horse bones can't handle positive G's so they just break apart. Horses are very strong, but they cannot handle those G's. No.

That's why you got to put it on the roof because our horses, you know, we don't want to lock them up. And they're old. Yeah. Yeah, the old horses are really brittle. They would go to pieces. What happened to the Zonkey?

At the ranch? Yeah! It's still around. Yeah, it's still there. That's all the other dead. Which one got murdered? No, none of them got murdered. I think the old one just died or something. They said that the ranch people said they wanted us to kill one of them and Evan went out but he couldn't find it. I thought one of the donkeys died though. I think just the donkey, the mom donkey. The mom donkey? That's even worse! Yeah, the nice one that everybody loved. They said that one did just die. Like it was just old.

And the Zonkey, that was the Zonkey's best friend. That was his mom. And that was the only thing you would hang out with. Yeah, that was its mom. Yeah. Oh my God. That makes the story way. So the Zonkey's still alive. We have a new baby, but it's just so lonely. We have two miniature donkeys. One of them lives at the house right now. A miniature donkey. Yeah. So aren't donkeys already like fucked up genetically? No, donkeys are fine. No, donkeys are fine. That's a mule. Oh, mules are apparently pretty awesome. They can't breed. Yeah. They, yeah, they can't be, but they're like French. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Liger, Tiger Lion. I know, I know what it is. They're real. Which is so weird. But the fact that you have to be like, like a Liger. They can't breathe. It's such an absurd sentence. God, could you imagine a French bulldog the size of a tiger? No. It wouldn't be able to breathe. It would die. Okay, come on this train with me though. I don't.

I don't want to get on this train with me. Think about this. Think about this. You ready? Yeah. So if we get a Gravitron, now imagine we, Caleb did a cooking show because the center doesn't spin. Yeah. So you're, you're, you could have like a cutting board and everything. And then all of us are in the Gravitron and he's throwing the food at us as we spit her out. And it's so weird. The rides, he's like, Oh, here's a dozen oysters.

- Oysters, we're getting hit with fucking oysters. - I'm throwing the oyster knives out to you guys. - Yeah, they're just like fucking. - I have my little like squirt bottle of sake and I just spray it in one direction and you all spin around. - Yeah, yeah. - Just spin your mouth open, yeah. Gets in your eyes. - That would be a great cooking show.

You're just sick because it's spinning. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just trying to watch you guys. He's like, all right, it's lobster tail time. And you have to time it. It's like your Eli's coming around. He's like, here's a lobster tail. It hits you right in the mouth. Yeah. Like stabs into here. Maddie's just like, what the fuck are we doing? Eight minutes, nine minutes.

And I am so utterly bewildered with what this is. - Batty, just imagine this is a D&D campaign and we are, you are. - If this was a D&D campaign, you know what would've happened? Me as the DM would've rolled the dice behind my screen and said, "Shit guys, a rock falls, you're all dead." - Well that fake doctor sent all those jerk off pics too, just texted me back finally.

And then we deviate to that. How much does he roll? The rock is so big, you just die. We all roll 20? What's that mean, Matt? It's a motherfucker. 20 is great, but it's not instant success.

You all rolled 20 and you lift the rock magically. No, no, they don't. They all die. I want to get married. Why can't I get married in this D&D adventure? You're absolutely married. The rock still kills both of you. You die together in your arms. What about Jared? Is Jared still alive in the adventure? No, you guys all got married together. Yeah, in the Gravitron. That's how we travel. In our D&D adventure. We

He's cutting a bunch of fish I can ask coffee Betty. When's unsub D&D gonna happen never Oh, yeah

I'm going to dress up like that doctor. I'm going to be a cowboy. I'm going to be a cowboy. I'm going to be a scientist. What day of the week is it? Where am I? So my 20 year high school reunion is in July and I was actively looking at renting a real space suit.

Because remember that episode of Family Guy where he showed up as the astronaut cowboy millionaire? I have a real NASA spacesuit with a cowboy hat and the money chain. I'm just walking in. Howdy. Howdy. I'm an astronaut cowboy millionaire. I did really well for him. Wow, he's crushing. You're lying. You're doing great. So, Patty. Patty.

Are we going to? Well, first off, let's go on to I want to know Jared's superpower right out of the gate. We're going right into the offenders. And then we'll go to the A-list. Oh, Caleb. Huh?

We were discussing your superpowers and then we were having a very good debate about it and then we about everyone's and we were like, what was Caleb's? And he just make babies and then just transform their little malleable heads into weapons. Yeah. That's pretty much it. Which is downside. We're like his soul.

Where his soul ends up, probably. He's going to hell. He's going to hell for sure. So, Jared, on the podcast, we have a super group. It is called the Offenders, much like the Offenders, the Defenders, the Avengers, the Justice League. Got it. And we all have a superpower, whether it be my super strength or Eli's super speed. Caleb's

I make babies. I have a backpack and there's a hose that runs directly to my dick and I just nut into it and it makes babies immediately. And I just use the babies as weapons. Like, AngerDocs is invisible. No, that's great. Yeah, they can transform into any weapon. Yeah, I can mush them together into stuff. They're like plain old babies. Yeah, they're still soft so I can make them into axe heads and stuff like that. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, it's really cool. Yeah.

Do I pick mine? You gotta pick a superpower. It's stinky cum. And it can shoot up to a mile. And it hurts. And it stinks. It stinks so bad. You act so bad. They're excited.

You just started. Not with the superpower. You're like, my cum smells. Real bad. Everybody gets together and then I show up and they're like, oh, damn it. Jared, we said a superpower. You guys need the strength because we need to be a team to fight, but you all are like, fuck, that's going to stink. So you're all saying, no, maybe you hang out back and just wait and see if we need you. And it's like, no, I'm charging it, man. It's already all over the place.

- It smells horrible. I mean, it's like take the worst smell you smell then multiply it.

And what's it do? It just burns people? Remember that chicken we found in the fridge the other day? It just sticks to them and it's like really, yeah, it's really sticky and thick. Probably gives them a rash. Yeah, it definitely gives them a rash. Like a mild irritation. It's not like a rash. It's just like, ow! So you're Spider-Man. But stinky cum. But stinky cum. It's real sticky. Can you swing on it? Yeah, but I don't like to because it makes my hands smell. Oh, okay.

No

I'm okay with every bit of this except for the stinky hands. It's already coming out of you. You already stink. Well, if I'm swinging on it, if I'm swinging on it and it's just all over my hands. It comes out of your dick. You already reek. Yeah, he's right. I do stink. I do stink. You're going to stink real bad. What's your outfit? I mean, it's kind of like a cowboy, like chaps with just an opening on the crotch. Okay.

I think flying through New York City. Full boners. Not even holding on to it. Just like arms. And when he breaks loose and does a whip. It looks like the lip ragdoll effect. Like ragdoll physics when he comes to the next rope. And it's like on demand too. I don't even do no. Yeah. He just like. Does it get sensitive? No. What?

The stink has killed all the nerves down there. The smell is bad. Yeah. It kills small dogs. Like a French bulldog or anything smaller than like kind of a fox. It struggles to breathe slowly. Yeah, that makes sense. You're the first offender where we're like, no, you're not welcome in here. You are a supervillain, I'm pretty sure. He kills babies and we're fine with it. You're the first one.

No, you got a fight over there He got the message - it's like yeah, we all have the same beacons like hey, what's up? Thank you, sir. You're like oh fuck he showed up Oh

*Badass laughter* I show up for a second fight and I'm sponsored by Axe. So now it just smells like Axe and the stink. It's a gym. Just Axe and cum. Your name is Dick Stink? Why man? *Badass laughter*

I carry Peter Dinklage in a backpack. What? No one knows why. He's just happy. Like he's almost in like one of those jamboree things where it's just a strap. A baby Bjorn? Yeah, and he's just facing outwards and he's just happy as hell while I'm swinging from a dick. Is he there against his will? No, he's happy.

I just like he has no backstory or lore. He's just there. Like a papoose? Yeah, on my back. And he's facing outward, so he's not facing forward. Yeah, he just sees the back. And he has a tiny little pistol that's pink.

Okay. Yeah. What's it do? I mean, the pistol is just a regular magazine. Oh shit. Okay. It shoots my cum also. It's a water. He's stinking too. He's stinking. He's wearing nose plugs. Yeah, he has one nose plug. And beats by Dre because he loves his tunes. So he doesn't talk to anybody because he's got headphones on.

- Okay. - Okay. - I like when Caleb's like, okay. - Okay. - All right. - That makes sense. - Holy shit. - What do you mean that makes sense? - And we're both always kind of nervous because we've been pretty late on our taxes. So like, we're trying to hurry up and fight the crime to get out of there. And you guys are like, God, why are they here? And then him and I are arguing about our tax guy. - Yeah.

If you guys ever wonder what is inside Jared Taylor's head, this is a perfect fucking example. This is when the cork is removed. And it just flows freely. Hey, Braddy, guess who's been making knives since 1974? Is it Kershaw? It is. Kershaw blades. These things are awesome. If you're wondering how sharp are these blades, look at this Santa hat.

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The force of a to describe it also if you manage the break one of these wonderful knives They do offer free replacement parts You just go to their website and fill out a parts request whether it's springs or screws Whatever maybe they will fix it or you that's what I love about Kershaw Kershaw makes some good good blades you looking for some good blades as baddie was saying from Really cheap like just a regular carry-on keep it in your pocket. Just a little little folding whatever and

- To a toss away knife. - So go to kershaw.com, use code UNSUB to save 20% and for every $100, you get free shipping. Boom, code UNSUB, 20%, kershaw.com. - Be you, be the best version of you. - What in the-- - Kershaw blades. - I'm Wolverine. - Jesus Christ, Jerry, first person who's like, my cum stinks.

Okay, what's the power? You're just talking about life. Are you okay? It's like rotting. You ever smell dead fish and eggs? Yeah. Scientists looked at it under the microscope and all the sperms were dead. They're like, oh, this is rotten. They're rotten. There's tiny flies around like eight sperms. Yeah, there's a lot of them.

There's maggots in your cum. That just came out of you. I got worms. I got a lot of worms. I got cum worms. I picked that up in Nicaragua. I was swimming in the wrong parts of Nicaragua. I'm real sick. Patty's sick.

- We'll save it for after the show. - That's the worst, grossest thing. - Caleb and I have a story for both of you after the show because look how nice Eli looks, he's healed. - Yeah, oh yeah, okay, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll save that for later. - Okay, we're gonna find out why I'm healed later. Make sure you stay tuned. - He took the creams, probably. - He took the creams, yeah. I've been taking a medicine for yeast infections.

It's a sad man rash is that way now though. Okay turn down that is Women's infection medicine from that doctor

You know the one. Come on. The doctor that has me texting him. He actually has yeast infection meds. That's actually serious. Yeah. I posted about it the other day. Yeah. That one, I'm actually fucking... I was confused because I seen you post and I was like... I don't know if I'm truly awake right now. This feels like the worst vivid dream I have ever had. How did you get a yeast infection? I am...

I think it's just what is in it. It's an antifungal because it's a fungus. So I needed to get rid of it. I don't know where I got it though. That's the crazy part. It's probably back when I was single and doing Tinder. You tend to get a fungus when you do Tinder. Some people do have fungus. Tenders have some fungus. They will have fungus every now and then.

- Fucking Jesus, there was a train ride. Thank you for that. - Glad, oh, can we get off the train? - I'm part of a Facebook group that sells those trains that you could like ride, like where the tracks are this big. - Man, I really, okay. - They're expensive though.

I don't know what is real. We were talking about this recently. That's how I learned it then. Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch has it around like his whole ranch, right? Like a tiny train. Would that not be so cool? Imagine like over at the farm or over at the ranch, there was just a train that went the entire length of the ranch.

and you could just ride on it. That'd be awesome. I would go out there every day for a train ride. - My son would donate. - Dude, that would be so cool. Just chill on a tiny train. - Full grown adults. - I would actually hang out with you. - Yeah, that would be so fun. - You wanna go on a train ride today? - You wanna go ride that train? Yes, I'd say yes. - Let's start with this. - I'm selling my mini train. - This is how each ride starts. We just sit down and then we just ride it. - It's like four hours long.

Three miles an hour around the ranch. It's real long. Because the hills are like really slow. We should make a scene for fucking major pain. We're like, we're going to like put like little shovels of coal in. I mean, I thought about it.

- Goes around the whole edge. - There's like a toilet on the back. - He's in full overalls with the hat and he's covered in coal. - I'm covered in coal. - Even though there's only like just a tiny little box of coal. - When he has a shovel that's this big. - It's like a spoon. - Yeah, and then you open the little oven door. - Like a toaster.

I can't be around them, Matty. I can't. I just, my imagination doesn't. Think about this. Like, I think, like, I thought about this once is what if we, what if we got real track? What if we made a circle? Like, and it's not a huge, it's not a huge loop, but it's a decent loop. And then we bought a bar car and then we put electric motors on the wheels itself and the, and it would just go like three miles an hour in a circle. And it was just a place for us to get hammered. I

I like it. There's got to be some, there's got to be like laws. I say you can't know you put a train track down on your own property. Yeah. Oh yeah. I was like, there's, there's regulations with trains. That was like the entire, that was like transportation. There's a lot on surplus. Like you can get it for a good deal. All right. It's like there. What's that one thing Mason wants to get? He wants that fucking, there's a plane. You can fly without a license.

Oh yeah, the tiny car like one? I think that's the one you're talking about. It's like a three-wheel one. It's a plane and you can fly it. I have my plane that I don't need a license for. Yeah, good. Yeah, no. I'm gonna die. I was like, Mason, what the fuck? What do you have to stay under? He's like 10,000 feet. And I was like, I was like, what the fuck? I said, gee, what a plane ride.

Yes. Oh my God. Yeah. The jet. Yeah. The fucking went for a jet ride. Well, that was awesome. You don't regret it. Do you? No, but I will say as like Jared's like, Oh, but my friend's here. We'll do this. You want to go? So I'm like, Oh, this will be dope. I get a ride along. And then when we sat down, we've got a jet real quick. The L 39 Albatross 1982 check. Okay. Is it the same one? Yeah. Yeah. He's okay. Okay. But the, when sitting down and they're like, okay, uh,

So I'm going to pull up to here. You're going to do this. And then you're going to take the controls and do the same thing. I was like, huh? What? He's like, okay. And then when we were in there, we did the flip or the loop. He's like, oh, okay. You're doing good. You're doing good, man. Okay. You play Sims with Jared and stuff. I was like, no, I did not know I was flying today. Uh,

And then let it fall and they kick the engine back on to pull out of it and you're like what one more time Kill the engine

It doesn't open, you just hit the side. My life is goosed.

I passed myself out in it twice. Dude, that G-Force. When I was flying? Oh, yeah. We were coming into Tallahassee. We were at like 22,000 feet and air traffic control clears us to two. So I just flip it upside down and pull the stick and head straight to the fucking earth. And I woke up and we were landing. He was like, yeah, you went out.

It's great. That tunnel vision is so real. It's black. It just goes like this. And you feel pressure everywhere. And you're like, okay, I see. And you squeeze your butt cheeks. Stupid.

I see a little hot. Leave me alone. Just little diamonds. Your demons are finally arriving. Then you wake up and this guy that's dressed like a pilot is cleaning his hands. Oh, it's the doctor. Yeah. That doctor snuck into the cockpit. Hey, I was at the gym. Like, I was just finishing up the gym. He's like, hey, you want to ride in a jet? And I was like, that sounds pretty cool. He's like, all right, here's the address. Come to the airport. I was like, okay. I was just in gym clothes.

I was wearing sandals and shit. I was wearing sandals and shit. And I can barely fit in this jet. And I get down into it, and I'm in there. And I just have the headphones on. And his pit viper. Yeah, I was like, oh, shit. And we take off and stuff. And he does a few loops and does a few barrel rolls. And he does three loops back to back.

And, dude, I could feel myself, like, going. Like, I was like, the first one, I was like, okay, this is cool. But then, like, after two, I was like, oh, no. And I was like, I'm going to go. I'm going to go. And then he was like, hey, you still awake back there? I was like, yeah. He's like, dang. He's like, that's pretty awesome. Yeah.

He was like, I was trying to put you to sleep. I was like, I'm really close. For the rest of the trip, I was like. Dude, it drained you all day. My legs were so sweaty. Like, my sandals were soaked when I got out there. Because it makes your adrenaline spike so much. Like, I was pouring sweat. For the rest of the day, I was fucked. When I get in drugs, my knees sweat. Like, behind my knees. Oh, yeah, dude. It's like a full.

I can't tell if this is Jared or if this is the super are you okay? Do you need medication for your stinky cum?

Back to my yeast infection. But also, the yeast. The yeast makes my cum stain. It turned it brown. I make bread. I just come in brown. It's gotta be brown. If I come and leave it, it'll rise like dough. I can just bake it.

I can bake it and make little cum loaves. And gift them to my friends. Would you like some baked bread? It's salty, dude. Yeah, it's real salty. It's kind of stinky. He takes that little razor knife and cuts cool little designs. It's a few blueberries in it.

The blueberries. It's as big as the muffin. Okay. Do they stink? Oh yeah. Yeah. What did you bake? What did you bake that smells like poop? It's my car. What is this little cookie nugget?

It's come. It's come. God, people are going to be like, so this is episode 99, huh? You guys just were like, let's take this thing for a fucking ride. Is this 99? Yeah. Wow, shit. What are you doing for 100?

We got fucking go on. Kentucky Ballistics and Demo. That was last night. We fucking filmed that one. We were like, okay, this one is fucking rambling. And then you beautiful people were like, I'm down. And I'm down. I was like, I was only home one day this week, too. Yeah.

I was like, if we have Caleb and JT. You know, I popped a rib out of socket twice with him. Twice? I've laughed so hard that I've popped a rib. Is this true? I guess so. He does go into some pain fits. Like I've fallen on the floor.

on the floor yeah he's been like oh my bad you're my big strong gym boy you're a lot of me i'm not okay i guess it's true man he gets into some we start going on and on the first the first one i think was it the clam chili that first time no the first one was milk chicken okay and then clam chili clam chili yeah so what they do is no reaching grab two words we just keep going oh he was pretty fucked up that night and travis pastrana was over and he was like

He was like, you should do Dollar General Brands Travis Pastrana's clam chili. And it started out because there was so many people there and there was a lot of kids. And I was cooking, so I just made a bunch of random shit. We had hot dogs, hamburgers. Everybody loves that shit. My favorite food. American stuff. But then there was clams and steaks and ribs and stuff like that. Mussels and chili. And then Travis was reaching for a plate and making it for his kid or something. And they wanted like...

Chili and clams. They wanted clams. No. And then he was reaching for a hot dog. I was like, let me put some chili on there for you. I was like, Travis Pastrana's chili and clams. Clam chili. Dollar General brand. We just started going on. And I was like, man, you should make like a full outfit and get like a dirt bike wrapped in clam chili. Dollar General. The commercial was Caleb sleeping and Travis is just burning out a dirt bike in his room. I wake up and he's in my room. And he's like, I'm Travis Pastrana.

and I eat clam chili and that's why I win everything. I'm just like getting up there and I'm like, oh, Travis, it's so early. And he just keeps raving and he's like, what? That's clam chili. He like throws me the can and I'm like, I don't have a can opener. You know what wakes me up

the morning. I'm like, oh, there's like a really smokey can. It's a yellow label. It's really smoky because it just keeps ripping and I'm like, I can't open this. I don't have a can opener. My eyes are like watering from the smoke and it just keeps ripping. I'm like,

He's like dumping it through his helmet. It's all over his fucking helmet. And I'm like beating it on the edge of my bed trying to open it and I fall asleep. The can art is him. It's that one second after like and cut. So it's like he's starting to turn away from the photos. And he's like

That's like the image, he's like walking away. And there's like a goofy animated clam with like a face and stuff. It's like barf and chili. With a rainbow coming out. A bunch of stars, the American flag. It's like Travis Pastrana's Dollar General brand clam chili. There's an eagle on the back. It's like carrying the recipe. Ingredients just say clams, chili.

It's like a thousand calories. Yeah, it just has a thousand calories. It doesn't kill you. It doesn't break down past that. Energy version. Yeah. With energy. With caffeine. With caffeine. And teeth whitening. It's got...

*laughter* What is your dick? *laughter* What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What

Holy shit. Hi, buddy. Welcome. We weren't ready. I wasn't ready. It was really good. It'd be a really good commercial. He just popped the fucking rim out again. Holy fuck. Yeah, it was good. Okay, now we can go on a video game. We went off of fucking tiring. One question later is like superpower. And now we're here. I have a...

Oh, you're raising your hand. Jared, Jared, Jared. I think I finally have some video game chops for you guys. Okay. I've been playing Assassin's Creed Valhalla and I'm on level 380. The one game I haven't played. I'm like, uh. I mean, level 380. Continue. That's the character is at that level.

It's pretty high. Okay. Do you keep leveling up in that game? I don't know how it works. Yeah. Yeah. Every time you feel like there's more to this story. No, I mean, that's it. I mean, it's just anybody that plays that game will be like, oh man, you've been playing that game for a long time. Yeah, you've been playing that one a lot. I mean, it came out how many years ago? Well, I just started recently. That was two years ago? It was because I was watching the last Kingdom. Okay.

And the last kingdom and assassin's creed Valhalla take place the same year. Well, you just recently got like a PlayStation again, didn't you? Like you started doing games again. Yeah. Yeah. Because JT used to be a huge gamer. Like, that's why I sent you the picture of my, the mark 23. Cause I knew you. Yeah. Jared's first. Is that the real one? Yo, is that fucking the real one? I'm like, uh-huh.

Metal Gear Solid skits. Like instantly, instantly from that. I've got a FAMAS airsoft gun. So we've got the complete now. I know. And I have a PSG one being made. I mean, it's kind of sad because, you know, Metal Gear needs to come back.

Well, they're teasing a remake of all of them. Oh, the three sets? Snake Eater. That's the one I beat the most, man. Even now, I think that was still my favorite one. No, 4 was my favorite one.

I played through four like probably 12 times because you accumulated each time. Well, and that's how I did that video on them. I forgot some of the dumb shit on number four, like when they're getting onto Arsenal gear to fight Ocelot. Do you remember how they got onto that from their battleship? Did they shoot out of a cannon? Essentially, they got on those fucking metal rides, and it's a catapult, and it just fucking... Oh, it's like Jared's train. Yes. You get on, and it launches you into fucking orbit. You're like...

And it launches them onto the ship. They're not wearing parachutes. So in the cut scenes, they're like, and then they roll down like, what the fuck?

fuck who thought of this? That is how they get on Arsenal gear and then you go through the rest of the game. I just want the cartoon where we travel everywhere in a Gravitron. Caleb's just in the center. He's like, it's like Matt Lippler. I carry buckle up. Where are we going today? Into the Summit Canyon shit is what that is. Yeah, it's almost like Magic School Bus. I was going to say that. I was like, today we're going into Batty's Prostate and it shrinks down. Look at this.

- It hits and just starts spinning like drills. - It cuts to us on the inside. You're like, we gotta go harder guys.

You're pushing full force, it spins faster, we're vomiting on the outside. There's smoke coming out and blood. Smoke and blood. And then it cuts to just Batty wearing an adult diaper with a giant blood stain in the back. What happened?

Episode 4. The gang goes to Batty's prostate, but it didn't shrink small enough. It only got kind of small. It only got kind of small. Our adventure today, kids.

We're fucking a lot of stuff up right there. That right there is another superpower. It's like, I am three. Kind of small. Like a little bit small. You're just three feet tall. We're jammed up again. Give it some gas, man. It's like damaging the walls. It's like a Beyblade. Baddie's trying not to cum.

Not on my bra, Steve. Why is it stink? Why is it stink? I'm like, sorry, I'm contagious. I'm contagious? You give him your stink gum? My stinky gum is contagious? Sorry, man. Whoops. Oh, goodness. Breaking news! Manscaped now sells beard product! Woo!

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Now you can finally use Manscaped products to make your drapes match your carpet by going to manscaped.com and using code UNSUB and saving 20% off and free shipping. Look at that. I contact the entire time. Entire time. You're using my scissors now too? You're just using... Is that your kit now?

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First off, this cordless trimmer has a rotary wheel that gives you 20 positions of precision, all with one guard. So no more messy drawers full of extra add-ons. That's right. Face grooming doesn't need to be hard. Get 20 different lengths in just one guard. Actually, I really like, can I see that? Everything in the box? Oh, that's actually dope. Watch. Oh, and it moves it on. Okay, that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Oh, I've always looked for this in a freaking trimmer.

- 'Cause I always trim short. So this is actually real good. It's one piece, it's cordless, but you have 18 different clip-ons that change the length. It just raises or lowers the guard. I'm gonna let you guys know, yes, this is for beards. You can use it on your pubes too. - Dude. Okay. Manscaped, that's dope. - So get 20% off and free shipping. Use code UNSUB at manscaped.com. That's 20% off free shipping at code manscaped.com. - Code manscaped, no. Code UNSUB at manscaped.com.

I like when we're from, I play Viola Creed to back into Batty's butthole rubbing on your... Give it some gas! We're stuck! We're stuck in here! We got loose and rough! It looks like a ping pong ball. Episode 99. You decided not to drink.

- You could have parked in front. - No, that's a dark road. I'm not ready to go down. - Holy shit. - Okay, we'll take a breather from that one. - Yeah. - You sure? You seatbelt on? - No, let me borrow it. - I was like, wait, what's going on? - Okay. - I was gonna say, Resi before, you're fucking. - Yeah, I'm about halfway through it. I'm about to fight the little midget George Washington guy.

Well, he looks different now, doesn't he? Yeah, he looks more like George Washington. They switched him up. Yeah, they switched his face up a little bit. I don't know, fuck off. My knowledge of Resident Evil...

This big yeah, I don't give a fuck about Resident Evil games. I know I don't really know especially now with the honest Metal Gear and Resident Evil to the biggest games I played growing up Listen to all you guys talk about I'm like what I know about Metal Gear is crab battle from Newgrounds

God, I haven't seen that one. Village was really good. I feel like that's something. I didn't play it. Oh, okay. Six and seven. Yeah, man. They were both seven and eight. Seven and eight, yeah. But I loved some of those story games like Last of Us. Which just came out yesterday. The remake on PC. I hear it's really bad. I played it for. Have you seen the glitches yet? Yeah, a lot of people were having issues with it. Have you seen the funny ones? Because they're already having. There's already like. Like ridiculous shit. Oh, yeah. It's real. It's like at least eyebrows turn into these.

Like everything's getting real jank. Nice. Real jank. It was like one of the Assassin's Creed's when their faces would flip inside out. That was terror. That was Unity. Unity was so bad. It was like our eyes were like here. Just all in Shepard. I've been seeing people do mods like for that on Resident Evil where their eyes, like when they had Leon's mouth was like constantly a giant smile. It was really goofy looking. And then like the other lady that was on like your comms,

Her eyes were sticking out of her head. Her lips were really big. Like, it was just, like, goofy shit. So, like, every time they would talk, it was, like, hilarious. Yeah. No, the new Resident Evil, if you haven't played it... Yeah, it's been a good time. I mean...

The first time I played that Resident Evil 4 was on GameCube. And I didn't have it, and my friend had it growing up, and he just had a GameCube. He's like, dude, I beat it a couple times. He's like, borrow my GameCube. I was like, okay. Yeah, I beat that game like four or five times, like back to back.

And I loved it. And it was hard, man. I remember like the first time I played it, that just the very fucking beginning, like most of my friends were like, dude, I couldn't even get past the fucking village. The very beginning part. They're like, I just kept dying. Remakes just as hard. I died like twice. I was like, Oh shit. I was like, this is, this is how it was the first time I played. I was like, okay,

I'm just running for my fucking life and like turn around like shooting a few times and then like punching boxes and like and like there's so many bullets to kill anybody half the time even like headshots like you'll be like oh fuck five headshots in a row and they fall again you're like thank god and they get back up you're like what and then chase all dudes running yeah and he's just like killing everything you you think you can win this that's what

fucks it up. It doesn't say just survive. You're like, oh, to kill all these. So you're wasting everything to win and you're dying every fucking time. Because there's so many people that come and you keep getting stuck on them. But then it's like, oh, you survived long enough and then like a church bell rings

And then they ignore you. And they're like, all right, whatever. And then we go into church. And you're like, oh, shit. I shouldn't have wasted all that ammo. This was pointless. And then you stockpile ammo for a little bit. And then you're like, man, this game's too easy. And then there's a billion. It gets retarded. And you're like, oh. You're looking around. You have two bullets. And you're like, oh, no. This is really hard. I'm going to die. There's a new VR game I've been playing that's really good.

It's called port-a-potty disasters. And you're a port-a-potty pumper. And like the first level is a construction yard right after burrito day. I hate that this could be a real sim. And it's like, yeah, you got the pumper and you're like, oh, dude, some of the doors you open up and it's like, oh, God. I hate that this could be a real game. I don't know, George.

Real quick there was an episode of

What is the fucking show I want to believe?

X-Files? X-Files, there we go. I want to believe. I was like, I want to believe. I was thinking Sarah McLachlan. I was like, that's an old... Is that a Sarah McLachlan story? There was an episode I remember seeing when I was little about a monster that lived in porta-potties. I remember being scarred from it. It was like a monster that escaped from some test facility. We need to watch this episode. It's like a giant albino fish, man. His lips are inside out. He's like...

Hiding in toilets and shit and down in the sewer and being a little kid and being like, what the fuck? And like the guy was like pumping the port-a-potty and it like supposedly he gets sucked up into it and they drop him off. He's like killing people and shit. And I was like, holy fuck. Like I was so scared of port-a-potties for like forever.

Yeah, because that fish man. Yeah, I was like, holy shit, the shit monster is in these port-wars. Dude, that's why I always would reach in to make sure that they... Stir it around. I would feel the bottom. So every time before I go, I make sure I can touch the bottom. That's smart. Make sure there's no monster in there. Yeah, because if I can touch the bottom and I know that it's not a false floor, then you're good to go. Or if you have a gun and you can just fire a few rounds into the toilet. Just say a one-liner is shit splatting up when you employ it.

Okay, all of you have experienced this. I know it. In the military, when you go out to those desolate... Well, not me. Will you go out to it, Caleb? Those desolate ranges that never get used in the military and there's one port-a-potty and you're like, oh, no.

And you look down and it's like an eight-foot hole, but the teepee still sticky I've seen that before Those weren't the ones that got you it was the ones where it was the like the the actual restroom buildings out in the middle of the ranges and it was just the row of seats no dividers Oh, yeah, like for pick of Virginia fucking time. I've been before picket. It's awesome

It's awful. And it was just like a drop in the bottom of the toilet. It was all one big thing. I got peed on at Fort Pickett. Wait, go on. Well, I was hammered. Did you pee on yourself? No. And I was throwing up on the bus, so they pulled over. And I fell in the ditch and was throwing up. And while I was throwing up, two of my buddies peed on me.

That's pretty mean. I mean, it's kind of funny. Yeah. That's military. Jared has the most IP on stuff when he gets drunk. I don't know if you know this. Jared pees a lot when he is not. I mean, I pissed on my own curtains twice. You have two. Yeah, you're right. Okay. It's two. How many do you have? I've heard. I've had multiple people tell me about you peeing on things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I peed on my guy's internet router, my buddy's internet router once.

- I don't know why. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what's going on in my head. - No. - We have so many, oh my God. One of my favorite Jared stories is we went to a bar and I convinced the man, this is Utah five years ago. - That's 2016. - I convinced Jared. - We're at Gracie's upstairs in the booth. This was the most planets align for him. Like this was the most shot in the dark thing

Out of control that it worked out this way. I'll let you finish. So Jared, there's two girls, me and Jared. Jared gets up to use the restroom and I'm like, I'm sorry, he's autistic. And there's me. Yeah, he's very autistic. He has his, he has these little corks. If you ask him any song, he's going to know the exact lyrics and everything about it. Every lyric of every song in the world. And she's like, what? They're both like, get the fuck out of here. And he was like, pick a heart.

- Yeah, pick a hard one. I was like, but I just love him. He is autistic. Jared sits back down and he's like, "Hey, what's up? I need to do another drink." Doing Jared looks like laughing, making Jared jokes. And they're like, "Hey, what song did she pick?" - "The Decline" by NoFX. 18 and a half minute song that I know every word to. - And Jared did this, he's like,

And then he starts singing and the girl turned to me. He's like, oh my God, you're right. Holy shit. Yeah, because it's like the hardest, most obscure song you could think of. An 18 minute no effect song from 1999. Knowing you.

That makes sense to me, though. No offense. Two random punk chicks. They thought they were going to school me. That worked. And all I had to do was like, and I didn't do this on purpose, but I could not remember the first lyric, so I had to play the intro in my head. I was like, no, no, no, no.

Everybody needs some time away. So when they got up to get a drink, I was like, Jared, I told him you're autistic. And then he was like, wait, for real. I was like, good job. He was like, you just nailed that. We're getting laid. And one of them was like, I call the retarded kid. Yeah.

I bet he fucks like an animal. Your hips are gonna hurt. He's getting the fucking world up. He's gonna kill you. He doesn't know how to stop. I bet his cum stinks.

I was staring at you because I knew. I thought it was Kevin Brown. I knew it was coming. I thought he's got retarded. I was just waiting. Give me them muffins. I baked you these fresh baked poppy seed muffins. I baked you a few of these little long loves. Why do they smell? These little mini loves. They smell bad. Why do they smell so bad? Why are there blueberries on them? I made them. I made them.

I made them from myself. Wait, did you say you made them? No, I made them from myself. That's my sneaky cum. That's me. It's going to just be an hour of bad. It's just...

Oh, there's a great cut down here. That just keeps cutting to your face. That's the preview for this episode is just watch why Batty almost throws up. You won't believe what will happen next. Doctors hate him. Jared got nine C-cell batteries stuck in his urethra. He's got worms in his cum.

You're all sick. You have problems. The worst thing about putting batteries in your urethra is you have to use two flathead screwdrivers to pop them out.

I can't wait for the comments section on this one. It's going to just be a whole bunch of Fs. F in the chat. Yeah, F in the chat. No, it's going to be Ws. They got the dubs, boys. I mean, this happens with us. This is every night. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah, that's why we only hang out like once a week. Yeah, because I get like a fucking migraine. Yeah, my head hurts for a while. I'm literally like ill. We are adult roommates. I have to go like lay down. Yeah.

That's silly, isn't it? We're 38 years old. We'll be like, come hang out in the bar or whatever. I've cooked something and then we actually hang out and then it's too much, man. I literally am like, I have to go lay down. I gotta go. My body hurts. I gotta go bed. I gotta go lay down and I need something.

I need like a lot of water and fruit or something. Water? Yeah. Last Tuesday, we had 68 pounds of crawfish with Uncle Lazer. I saw the fucking clips on that. It was just, Uncle Lazer was like, ah.

i'll come over tuesday i was like cool and then we found a crawfish guy yeah which is a random crawfish he apparently him and his brother owned like the best crawfish place in new brunfels and he was like telling us like they figured out the best way to cook crawfish and everything you know like yeah okay whatever

Oh, they did. Yeah, that was probably the best stuff I've had. Even all the sides were really good. He was awesome. I've never once had crawfish in my life. Really? It's an art. Like, once you learn it. Yeah, I feel stupid. Like, I always feel nervous. Like, I'm hoping nobody watches me. Like, I'm always, like, sneaking over the trash can and, like, figuring it out again. Trying to open it. Like, twisting it and pulling it and then doing the little squeeze and push and waiting on somebody to judge me. I'm like, oh, shit, you've never had crawfish before. The night before, I had hurt my crawfish thumb. Oh, shit.

Is this what I do?

Because the night before, I got really hammered with Donut. And I was like, John was on one of my crazy cards. So I was like, come over here, John. Let me show you how to drive that. And I went like three seconds. Hey, little boy. I fucking scraped my elbow. I'm bleeding everywhere. My crawfish arm is all fucked up. Man, my crawfish hand.

The crawfish! Tomorrow's the big day! How am I going to get a crawfish with this? It is. It hurts. I couldn't do the crawfish. Dude, I could eat five pounds in one minute. It's embarrassing. Boom, boom, boom. Ouch! Ouch! It hurts when it has a taste. I'm a crawfish. All because I tried to show John and I flipped the damn crazy car. It was in five seconds. I was like...

Fucked my arm all up. I was bleeding. Yeah, John, that was cool, right? He's like, oh, God, no. You're dying, Mr. Jared. Oh, my God, Jared, are you okay? I almost accidentally kicked myself once. Once? I love that.

I love that he's sober and he is just like, what the fuck is going on? I wrecked a jet ski like really bad. And I cut my eye open like right here really bad. And Heather ended up driving me. This is where we all live in Florida. Heather drove me home and dropped me off. And I was on the phone, hammered, calling every PJ I knew to come sew my face back up.

And but I think I only got to like three of them and they were like, yeah, dude, I'm out of town or I don't have sutras on me or whatever. And then I passed out my bed. I woke up. There was blood everywhere. I was like, I'm not doing so good. I'm kind of dizzy. I need some orange juice. I'll take this handful of Molly. That'll help.

That's the wrong idea. Dude, I almost died once as a kid. I remember, like, I think this was the closest time I ever came to, like, fully dying. Me and my friends, like, we were just fucking nerds, dude. And we would, like, build weapons. Like, I always had this group, AJ and Travis, when they would come over, and we would just build nerdy weapons. I took a kukri.

And it had like a hole in the back of it. And I ran like this nylon rope through it. And I tied it to the end of like a really long, like deep sea fishing pole. Jesus. So it was like a whip. So it was like a really sturdy whip with a huge curved blade at the end of it. So I was like whipping it and it'd like stick into shit. And I'd like whip and it would fly back. And I'd like catch it with the other hand and like whip.

whip it again. You caught it? Dude, yeah. I was like 12 when I was doing this. Man, we were idiots, dude. We were so stupid. But that was... I'm good. I did this and it got stuck in the piece of wood we were hitting. I like whipped like a few times and it would not come out and I finally whipped one more time and it came flying straight at my chest.

And I caught it by the handle and the blade was like right in my chest. And I went... And they both went, oh my God. They're like, you just almost died. And I was like, I should take this apart. Yeah.

I shouldn't play with this one anymore. That reminds me of that movie The Good Son where he had that thing that would shoot bolts. Holy shit, dude. What a wild fucking movie that is. Macaulay Culkin being Elijah Wood. Yeah, dude.

I always, I was always jealous of Paul. Thank you, sir. Was Paul Hogan. Is that who was Paul Horgan? Paul, is that, is that right? Is that right? I'm thinking flipper with Elijah wood. Oh yeah. Yeah. I haven't watched flipper. So, so like the, the, the grandpa or the uncle or whatever he was, he had, he had a pallet of SpaghettiOs that he, that he, that he bought from a, from like a cruise ship and

And I've forever been jealous of that. I want a pallet. Because every day, he would just wake up and he had the pallet right next to his bed. And he had a fucking can. And he would just fucking open it up and be like, ah, here it is. I have a new segment we can do once a month. It's Jared Lott. That's in the movie Flipper. I know, but that's what's great. Is it really? You're not just making this shit up? No, no, no. Yeah, that's what Elijah Wood has to eat.

every day is just SpaghettiOs because it's like, this is all he has. I just like, it's like JT, you're like, I got a stinky gum. Also this story, and you're like, I don't know which one's fake, which one's real. Two truths and a lie, let's play. Did you actually play Valhalla? I can't hear, just like, I don't know.

know what Jared's doing. The fun thing about Valhalla though is like I said, it takes place the same year The Last Kingdom does. So it's like if you're watching the series The Last Kingdom. Fucking flipper. Does this talk about it? Paul Hogan. Is that it? I didn't look at the guy. Let me see. I got it right here. Yeah. Yeah, Paul Hogan. His chism's going on. Oh yeah, I definitely...

- Yeah, you're on the spectrum. - I've noticed it more now. - You got the tizzy touch. - It didn't click until like three months ago. 'Cause I don't know why. - Three months ago? - That's how long it took? - Well, because it was like, I kept, I don't understand why I get so angry when people put like miscellaneous shit on the bar. Like if you have a mess in front of you on the bar,

I get fucking irate like inside. And I'm like, I'm like, and then I'm, I'm constantly like, wait, why do you, why do you care? Like, like if someone leaves their food or anything like that and the bar is like messy, I was like, ah,

I'm fucking rain, man. You're fucking with my order. You get those certain things where people, you just don't understand. You're like, well, I started actually thinking how I recall things and I see it. Yeah. So I, so if you're telling me, if you're asking me to remember something, like remember this can, I can bring that picture of the can up and go, Oh, it's out of regs. I'm trying to think how my brain does it.

Like building shots, because in my head, it's like building shots. Oh, you literally said that. Yeah. Yeah. I just like, I'm like, oh, I need this camera and go this camera and go this camera. Okay. That makes the beat work. Yeah. The editing your head is like.

But it saves a lot of productions though. Because I've pointed out things many times on much larger productions than our own, where I was like, that isn't going to cut together, right? Because you're on him right now and you're cutting back on him. And they're like superpowers. Oh shit, you're right. We need something else. They can remember shit really well, but they're kind of fucking idiots. They got

I'm just dumb. Yeah. It's like sometimes every now and then he like just, you know, was healing on piano. Like he'll just randomly walk in and, and just play like a fucking orchestra every now and then. He plays an orchestra. I just picture Jason doing this, playing the trumpet with his toes. He becomes really well at songs that are so random. I'm like, what the fuck is this? It's like a random song from the lost boys. Yeah.

Why? But then somebody be like, hey, can you play this? He's like, oh yeah. And then he just plays like beautiful Celine Dion. Something like insane, just like out of nowhere. I'm like, wow, that was awesome. He's like, okay, well I'm going to go back to the Lost Boys song. Joe, can you play the fourth song of Leon the Professional? I love that one. Yeah, that's a great one.

I mean, dude, I used to, like, it would take me probably a couple weeks because they're incredibly difficult, but I could play every song from Final Fantasy VII to include the opening theme. Oh, yeah. I can fucking walk that whole opening theme. And then Tifa's theme and Ariath's theme was the, Ariath's theme was quite honestly one of the most beautiful songs I'd ever heard. Like, still to this day. What's the energy called? M? M.

Let's see how he pronounces it. Materia? No, the energy from the earth, the M. I can't remember because. Mako. Oh, Mako. Yeah. It's not Mako. What is it? You didn't play. Oh, you didn't play the remake. So everyone says Mako. Well, first off. Mako energy. Ariath isn't named Ariath, right? Mako. Oh, it's Mako? No. Remember? We had this discussion. I would never call it Mako. It's M-A-K-O. It's Mako. Yeah. Everyone was. That was one of the biggest. Sephiroth.

Jenova everything that's good on my arm. No kidding. Yeah Wow, dude Do you remember like I killed all three weapons Ruby? Yeah, yeah sapphire ruby Emerald and I know Ruby and emerald were the ruby and I rolled with too big. Yeah mandatory Yeah, I'm in or ultimate diamond and those were the other I killed all of them. You know how I

- He did ultimate weapon. - No, not at all. - No, Knights of the Round with a repeat material. - Yeah, you stack those. - There is a stack that you can do. - Mime. - It would give you Knights of the Round like 10 times back to back. - Yeah, it was mime material. So you double cast and then mime, mime, mime, mime, mime. Everyone's like, this is my spell. This is my spell. This is my, and it's just.

Nights of the round was fucking brutal man. I don't remember nice there. I would love I can't wait to see the yeah I jumped on like that one day. I was like wanted to look into more of The the remake like I just went on twitch to find somebody playing some chick was playing it So I jumped in and I'm only like hey, did they have like she didn't know shit. Yeah, I was like, oh

Hey, do you know about the weapons? She's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, what about Knights of the Round? I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, man, fuck this. Like you're just in here fucking dressed like some stupid ass anime character. Like, oh my God. Oh my God. You know nothing about this fucking game. This game is my life.

- Dude, that's a- - It's crazy where the- - I know. - That's the bar stool. - She was that object on the bar stool. - Yeah, she was like, "Fuck you!" - When I had a Casio keyboard, like I could, and it had the layered, like where you could record, I can do Red 7's theme, like perfectly with the flute. - Yep, Red 7, man. - Yeah. - Dude, that's what's crazy with- - Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Is it a red 13?

- Oh my God, yeah, that's Red 13. - It's Red 13. - 'Cause it was X-I-I. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Red 13? - What is Red 7? - No, I mean, I just-- - Probably just mixing it up, tis and brain. - No, they had, if you watch the speed runs, it's crazy, it is-- - Dude, speed runs of anything are insane. - Dude, Vincent's, they just do it with however his ultimate work, it's one shots Ruby and Emerald.

It's a single kill. Yeah, because they're like, oh, you do this with this gun and this materia combination. It just resets their health, so it automatically kills them in one move. So it's like they jump. The mega weapons just die, and you're like,

Oh, I did it the hard way. That was the time before the internet. Really? Yeah, you just had to figure it out. I had a book that I got years later. Yeah, I had the whole Final Fantasy. The white one. Yep, I still have it. It's sitting in Heather's room right now. That white one? That's cool. Dude, yeah, you grew up past the age of... Yeah, man, whenever I first started getting into longer, harder games like that,

Final Fantasy X. That was the one that just came out. So that was my first real intro. I played Final Fantasy VIII a little bit, but I was too young to figure it all out. X was my first real intro and being able to figure it out. I'm like, okay, this is cool. And turn-based game, that was the first one that I got really into. That was the first one I beat. I went back and I beat VIII a couple years later, but

10, 10-2. I didn't play 11. I played the hell out of 12, dude. I loved 12, yeah. I couldn't get on board with 13. I played it for a few hours and I just could not get into it. And they did a 13-2. I think it was the one with lightning and all that because they had like the gun blade and everybody was like, oh, fuck, a gun blade. Awesome, so cool. But it was just kind of not great. I've never played a single other one. Really? Yeah.

I've only had one dog. I had the dog, the dog died. I played one Final Fantasy. Six was good with Kafka. Three or six. I did seven, nine, ten. Seven story was like so iconic. It was so, I mean it's practically on par with Star Wars.

Yeah. Phenomenal. It's a universe. You should play the new one. It's good. The new one with the car? No, 7. New remake. I loved 15, man. The ending. Yeah, the ending made no sense. All of that made no sense.

But the new one, have you guys seen much of the stuff, the new one coming out? I just have the first. Looking pretty good. I'm excited. Have you seen Advent Children? Oh, hell yeah. What a classic movie. Hell yeah, I did. There's just so many. Well, you know, so on Kazaa, I found...

- 2003. - No, no, no, no. I found this Japanese orchestra had done all the Final Fantasy songs. So I was able to download all, dude, they were fucking from an orchestra. Going from 8-bit to an orchestra, you're like, oh my God. And I mean, those songs are so ingrained in your fucking head. - Dude, that's like, oh my God. One thing, we didn't talk about this ever on the podcast. I just recently learned this.

just talking about music and then just music in general. Did you know, what is it? Tarantino. So Tarantino's first film, Reservoir Dogs.

And then any film after that, I never knew this about Tarantino other than hateful eight. He does not do his own. He's never done a, um, a composer for his stuff. He just buys old music every time until, until hateful. It was the first time he actually composed someone composed. Yes. And it was the old spaghetti Western dude that was famous for it. I never knew about this. That's cool. I was like, wait, what the fuck? And then, uh,

Reservoir Dogs, what is the song that plays during the torture scene? It's that happy... Is that it? It's a real happy song. No, it is stuck in the middle with you. So stuck in the middle with you. And he's cutting the ear off and all that. Tarantino spent all his money on that one song. He didn't give a fuck about any other music in that until that one song. He was like, the entire budget goes onto that just for that one song.

That is how he did his first movie. All the music budget went to one song. He's like, I don't care. So he can afford to have that one. Yeah. Because he knows it'll be the most iconic scene in film history. Like, because you're marrying it with such a ridiculous song choice. Oh, fucking wild. Do I love, like you hear that Hideo Kojima is any of those, how they do shit. Like, I'm like, see, I remember like, again, like I haven't been into games for,

in a long time but like dude tenchu stealth assassins like fuck where is a game like that again because like the music and the fucking story and everything was so i mean that's what we called it it was like the new uh valhalla you have got to play ghost okay man i mean i'm about done with they're making

a fucking movie about it now it's what and everybody's like this is what an assassin's creed game could be yeah if they like fucking knew how to do these mechanics what's the what's the mode called cinematic oh yeah akira kosawa they have akira kosawa the original japanese director the fucking pinnacle of japanese directors he made yo jimbo he made um

Seven Samurai, uh, gate, uh, fortress.

And all these, this is where you have Fistful of Dollars. This is where all cowboy movies and Star Wars came from. Literally this dude. And they have a Kira Kurosawa mood, which is the black and white. So everything other than the blood is black and white. It looks fucking, it's so good. The game looks so nice. And it's just like, you're riding on your horse. And like, there's nothing that like tells you like where to go to mission stuff. It's just the wind blows that.

Yeah, it's like a little guy like Rob do like or something like wind will blow and like shows you and you're just like following There's like foxes. It's it's such a fucking cool man game because I'm pretty much done. I'm almost done Okay, you almost done. Okay. Yeah, finally. Yeah, Jerry's that guy's like level 380. He goes to the last one. I'm done. Yeah, I

- Dude, I will like, no kidding, like some days I won't even do a single mission. I just go to regions and collect everything. - Yeah. - Because I don't like seeing it on the map. - Yeah. - Susie Ghost makes you want to do every,

Side quest. Yeah, it really is. And also because you have like, there'll be like rogue like Ronan's and you'll have like full on like duels with them. Oh, the Ronan duels are fucking cool. Yeah, if you're into like samurai shit at all, man, it's so good. Dude, I just remember like, dude, Tenshu, like it was, that was PlayStation 2, right? Yeah. And like, it came out with a new, like it had the best graphics at the time. And I just remember like,

Climbing on the roofs in the snow is a cracking ninja. Yeah, okay. You're just like and it's playing the coolest music I was like, this is fucking a classic. Dude. This is like beef. It was like revolutionary or stealth ninja game Yeah, and for Assassin's Creed ever really exist. Yeah, this is yes one And it was it was crazy because you had your grappling hook you get up and it had stealth mechanics you slice it They don't think like yeah the fucking shitty blood would splay everywhere terrible voice acting

Dude, is that old PS1? Yeah, yeah. It's like the worst voice acting of all time.

Have you heard the voice acting recently? Dude, I've never gone back and looked at it. I have amazing memories of it, though. Bad voice acting. It is, oh. I do have to say, because I'm sure there could be plenty of people that watch your guys' show, I cannot find decent Viking fucking costumes to save my fucking life. Oh, just let me know. I got you. I need wardrobe. Have you looked on Fancy?

Well, I mean, Etsy, I know you buy things from Etsy. See, I always avoided Etsy. I just thought there's some good Etsy dudes. I have a cart right now. I need stuff from Etsy that I've been wanting for like so long. I need whole Viking garb. Yes. They have it all, man. I will hire somebody to just dress me. This is the shit. I want to do that, and I want to do a fucking... I have a suit of armor.

I know. Dude, I just want to start filming. I play D&D. I know. We just want to start filming all this. I'm going to dress as a doctor. I know. Just sitting down. Batty's like, I hate you. I hate you. It's real stinky. It's real stinky. You're fucking unhinged.

It's real stinky. No, Red Dead. Red does the next game I'm going to play because after such a good game. I was thinking about it, too. You haven't done that yet? No, I haven't either. Oh. It's so good. This is my new K-1. He's hurt. Oh.

That needs to be a gif, by the way. Clip that. You might need to play Red Dead before Sushi. I don't know, man. They're so different, but they're so similar. They're both really on different ends. The world on Red Dead is just so good. The amount of dumb shit you can do. You can do so much goofy shit on Red Dead. You need to go home and download Red Dead.

okay as soon as you get home okay the story is so fucking good it really is amazing and all the stuff that you can do in the story mode is so insane like it's beautiful like I don't want to spoil anything I don't want to say anything I don't want to give any I've been wanting to go back and redo it for a while now because man there's I was like in like just that was that was all I did for like a month man was play the story and explore

And just, it's all of the side missions are so good and like so in depth and there's so much goofy shit that goes on and like random stuff that you find. You're like, what? And it's, oh man. There's still secrets getting unlocked for this game. that people haven't found. Okay. It's so good. I mean, I had started it when it first came out, but I was like, man, you just have a fucking horse. This sucks. But I mean, now I've been playing fucking Valhalla. So I'm used to just having a horse. Yeah. Well, you've been, oh,

Like, because you do the Western stuff, and now I got my revolvers, and I'm just learning revolver also a lot of spins. I need to buy some revolvers. They're the cheapest things in the world. They really are. Who sells them? 600 bucks and you get... Ruger makes them. I want some cowboy revolvers. Yeah, it is. Cimarron. Dude, Cimarron is my... I have, like, the one with the cross. Have you seen my revolvers yet? Dude. Yeah.

Here's my favorite segment. Eli pulls out something to look up on his phone for us all to see. Well, you guys can talk. Jared wants these. They are the most. I do. I need some revolve. They're $600 a piece. They're like five to six and they look like. They're really not expensive. The most gangsta. Oh, I need that. Yeah. I need those. Mine has. I don't know if I have. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that. I've got that

- You just do side spins, you're like this, side spins. - None of us are ever gonna play Red Dead Redemption ever again. - I literally did, I bought those just to learn spinning. I was like, I need to learn revolver ocelots technique on how to do this. And then when you get into it, first you're like, I love your hyper fixations.

Are you going to get the holsters? Yeah, they're on their way. Fuck yeah, dude. I've got a really nice leather holster that I got when I started buying all my cowboy shit. I just got Clint Eastwood's poncho. I have so many ponchos right now. Yeah, I've got a lot right now. They're awesome. I've been wearing mine when we were doing that. I got a hat. I was bottle dusting. We need to go find one. I've been wearing mine because I've got one that's like fleece lined inside. Fucking awesome. Do you have the triangle or the squares?

I've got one square and the one I actually both of them the two I have right now are my dude the triangle Triangle pot. Yeah, wait, you know having these is nice because it's healthy, right? Yeah, very healthy. Oh you have one here Oh, this is just like a practical poncho. Okay. Oh, wow. That's like a Lululemon. Yeah, that's Pretty cool. Yeah

Wow. How do you wear that in Texas? I mean, well, honestly, it's been a very cool spring. That's pretty Mexican Jedi. Yeah. I also really want a full blown Assassin's Creed costume. So if anybody makes costumes that just wants to spend my money and dress me, I'm requesting you.

They make wonderful stuff. I didn't see. I never knew that Etsy was a store. Yeah, pretty much everybody that does it is like handcrafted. Okay. Like by legit people. All right. Well, I'm going to get that app. Yeah, man. Because, I mean, it's just a website. I have like a whole cart of it's like, it's bracers with fur coming out of them. Oh, yeah, man. That's wild. They have it all, man. I need boots. I need good boots. They have it all.

And then we're going to build the Viking bar on top of my shipping containers. Yeah. So it's going to be like a, like a castle. Okay. But out of wood. I love it. You know, it's got the angled logs. Yeah. It'll look so cool. By July, there will be four bars on our property. So we will do the first ever unicorn ranch pub. Yeah. Are they going to go around the circle? Yeah. Every time we take the golf cart. Is there one in the middle? We're going to, we're going to, well, we talked about a fifth.

So we talked about up at the top towards the fence, we're going to bury a shipping container and turn it into a bunker bar. Bunker bar. The bunker bar. Yeah. That's actually going to get nice. So we're going to put an old Chevy truck. When you open the hood, that's the ladder. Yeah. And then you take the ladder down. So it looks like it's like an old dilapidated truck. I normally don't like encouraging your absolute insanity, but I love that idea. That's a great idea. I mean, I think we need to start doing it like...

I think the future for us is building things that immerse us into, like we're talking about doing the Viking longhouse, like building that on property. And when you show up, like there's no electricity in it, it's all- Or is there Wi-Fi? No, you don't- We need Wi-Fi!

- You're not allowed to have your phones in there. - You put on your furs, you get on your Viking outfit, you go in, Caleb and I have a barrel of mead we made, and we start roasting a pig in the center there. - There's no cum in the mead, right? - And it's a lock-in. - Oh, this cum stinks, man. It stinks so bad. - Yeah, which I don't trust this mead or... Why does the mead smell like your cum? - We looked up a lot of mead recipes. I used to go to a meadery in Vermont. I had a meadery near my house in Vermont. I love it. - Wait, they're called meaderies? - Yeah, it's a meadery. - Although, I want to try some Viking

I don't know if I can get them. They had mead and ale. What kind of ale did they drink? Yeah, they always had beer because the Romans had beer. Yep. So they kind of passed on. I don't know this shit. I want some ale. I know mead. Mead's great. Big fan of mead. Honey wine, man. It's delicious. Mead and ale. Mead is stronger. It's like 9%. It can be up to 25%. Well, I've got champagne yeast that I'm going to use for mine, and it's like 15%, 16%. Is this how he got his yeast in fact? Yeah.

Yeah, there was a meter. It was called Groenfeld metering. They made they ship meet all over the US and shit like that. They're wonderful. Holy shit. Valkyrie's choice was unbelievably strong. No doubt. See all this. I'm like, see, imagine, but imagine you come over at fucking 9 p.m.

I tell you not to eat all day. And you put your phones in a basket. You get your costume. And as you walk into the Viking hall, the torches are lit. We're cooking a pig in the center. And like everybody's got their seats and we're just in there all night. Fucking ripped out of our minds. Yeah. Barrels that we can like turn the knob. Everybody's got their weapons. You got your horn. That's like in your little holster. I know you do. Yeah.

Okay, this actually sounds like a guy in Belarus who makes me like broken swords like I needed a shattered sword. I wanted my own one so he boards the fucking sword shattered it and resharpened it into a bowie knife type sword. It's

- Oh, that's cool. - Bro, you need some cool shot. - Like some fucking Shadow of Mordor stuff where he uses that broken blade. - That's what I was looking for, I was looking for something in between a giant wood statue of Odin. - I should get a giant wood statue of Odin. - And a Narsil. - For my front porch. - Yeah, yeah, Narsil was the broken one. - Yeah, two giant Odin statues for my front porch. I think I'm a pagan. - Do you really? - What? - You really have two giant Odins? - No, I want them.

If you find a place to get a giant statue, let me know. I need one. Woodworkers out there. Yeah, if you can fucking turn a log. Can somebody make me a six foot, like, Viking statue? Odin. Odin. Yeah, that'd be cool. I think we should be pagan. Pagan? I don't know about that. Pagan. Yeah, I know that. We should be pegging each other. What? What? What's wrong with the pagan religion? Pagan. Not pegging. I'll put my pants back on. Fuck my ass. That's pretty cool.

I mean, I guess. I want to live in the woods and pray to the trees. Huh? You don't want to live as a what? Live in the woods and pray to the trees. No, you don't have to do that. Once a month, if we just go and do like a fucking bar with a...

and the drinking. That'd be cool. Dude, we should just dress up. Yeah. But we also should go out and Bernie fucking fully Vikinged out. That's the next day after. No, the next day. That's when we get. We're at brunch. We gotta go get coffee the next day. We go to Jared's at fucking 6 p.m. We get shit wrecked until 11. We Uber. Yeah.

We'll leave our weapons holster. Yeah, you know what I mean? We're Excel. It's fucking eight of us What was got a torch holding in the back for light or yeah, I just said

We take horses to the back. Yeah, I leave my coin purse at home. You need some silver. I need some silver. We're paying in silver pieces.

Although, I've looked into minting my own fucking Viking coin too. That would be cool. Bars are going to love that, Jeremy. This is perfect. I don't know what you're fucking changing. What the fuck is this? I made it. I made it. Bite it and see. That is coin. I don't know. It hurts. Nichols hurt when I bite it.

That's 14 coins. Plenty. What the fuck is it? Fucking weigh it, you peasant. I don't have these things here. I don't have a scale. There's a line. I don't know what you're doing. With bouncers like what

- I just want your ID. - I'm bribing you. - Zach, you have a gold coin. - Yeah, dude, I just bought. - I just put a coin purse in their hand. - Did you see, I was waving that the other day. I just bought like 300 fake gold bars. - Yeah. - They're hilarious. - Wait, what? - Why 300? - Because I'm gonna turn Lux into like a kingpin, like an overlord. - Oh yeah. - 'Cause she's just the perfect boss.

I want to have Caleb getting tortured in the shipping container and Lux is like controlling all of it. Lux just being like, do it again. Yeah. 300 fake gold bars. Do it harder. It's just like you were like, I don't need 10.

I need to read it. Yeah, because I need to create a stack. You know? I want a second mess stack. You need to create a shipping container of a duffel bag full of gold. I'm actually going to fly to Florida. 340 duffel bags. I know. How many of these people

- Yeah, yeah, they are. They're like that big. - They're beautiful, dude. They're so sparkly. It looks so good on camera. Like we'll buy two of them. - I'm going to fill a duffel bag full of them tomorrow when I fly to Florida. That's my carry on. It's just fake gold bars. - Oh my God. Just fucking with TSA, dude. - They're like, what?

What the fuck is this? You know they can compensate your... They can confiscate your money or stuff like that. Yeah, I did not know that. I was like, you read stories, it's like, yeah, if you carry more than $10,000, they can just take it. Nah, you don't get it anymore. Yeah, you were probably going to be something nefarious. Oh, I'm like the plane?

Yeah. Or just anywhere. No, no, no. On a plate. I ordered a fuck ton of fake money. I don't know where that is at because there's so many Amazon packages. There's a lot. Yeah. Oh, you have a, I ordered a shit ton of like fake hundred stacks. I think like, I think like, like 200 of them. Why do you have a lot? Yeah. I want to, I want to like build briefcases and shit. Like,

Again, I mean, I have an Uzi in a briefcase. I get it. It's really disappointing when you're like, I want fucking $100,000 in one step. You're like, oh, there's $100,000. Okay, I thought it was going to be way over. I love that. It's just this. You're like, what? Oh, that's pretty cool. The TV makes it look like duffel bags. If it's once, 100%. You should get $100,000 in once to just have in here.

- Or just a briefcase. - Yeah, it's just there. Like, what is that? $100,000 in ones? What? - We just wanted it. - I just wanted it. It's in the fridge. - This is a fun thing to have.

Like you just have a yeah, you just you just knock out a piece of drywall and start stacking cash in there What do you do this is where we keep all our money You're going to the gas station, you know, just grab a little grab and don't all of it though Okay, okay for cowboy stuff Caleb you're getting super into

you're decently into it. Have you learned spinning yet? Uh, no, not yet because, uh, I want to, I want to have another one first. I don't have like, I've got my 22 revolver and I've got my three 57. I'd like to have another one to practice both. And,

But I've got the holsters. I've got the shirts, the vest. I've got so many cowboy hats and the ponchos and the jackets. I've got the fucking trench coats. I've got the whole fucking outfit. I've got some cow skin chaps in my fucking cart right now that I was like, man, those are

But I started doing this because of working with Henry. That was the first thing that I seen. I was like, man, I want to get a bunch of cowboy stuff to make some fun, funny videos for Henry. Just me in full cowboy gear that would be funny. You have a mare's leg, right? Beautiful. I've got the axe, too. That's the 410 version. This is what I was discussing with Uncle Laser the other day. We should just do our own version of a cowboy hillbilly letter, Kenny, at the farm.

We have the characters. So what's crazy is...

How close is the one place like $1,000, $500 or $1,000 a day to rent? It's by minutes. It's literally just like not even five minutes past minutes. It is a full cowboy town. We just need to go there. We should run it for three days and just get shit-faced. What? And every building is like full. Like it's a full building. Like it's not just like fake fronts. And it's like $500 a day. How much is it a day? Let's look into that. We just need to go out there and get drunk as fuck.

And we already have the outfits. My face is so fucking numb right now. The saloon is huge, too, dude. I cannot feel my face. It's okay. It's fine. I've drank so much vodka today. I know. I know. I was like, oh, Jared's going hard. It's not. But I was like, we can open up at 12, freak.

No. Probably shouldn't mix the brown and the clear. Yeah, I probably have a meeting at like four or something. Probably. Yeah, probably. Like I do. I probably won't make it. I probably do. That is still there. It's still supposed to happen. We have that fucking cow. That's why I'm like, man, we can do content. Well, Caleb and I have something to tell you guys about right now.

We've recently had to hire an attorney. Oh, okay. Caleb's like, uh... And that attorney is drafting a letter right now to the Guinness Book of World Records. Oh my God, yes! You texted me about this. Yeah, because... Wait, let me... I'm watching you. Hold on. All eyes are on Caleb. I like this more. Uh... Can't... Hell yeah. Afternoon word for all y'all. Jared's reply. We can't...

We can talk about our letter to the Guinness Book. Already can't wait. One work? Sure. Go on. All right. So over a year ago, it's been over a year now. It was like March 21. No, 22. Yeah. Caleb and I set out to break a world record. It was the most human shit you can put in a cowboy boot. Size 13.

So we packed it in. We'd just been eating like a lot of meat. Yeah, it was a lot. Like gamey meat too. So it was like goose. We had a bunch of like undercooked goose. There's not much fat in it. There's like no fat. So we're just eating like pure protein. And it's just... It hurts when it comes out. Yeah.

We packed it all in and we mailed it to the Guinness Book of World Records. And we demanded that they weigh it. We put some aluminum foil over the top. And then none spilled out. They didn't answer us. They refused to recognize it. So we did it a second time. We had the other boot because it was a set of boots.

We started over again and it hurt more. We put more in. It weighed three and a half pounds more than the first one. So we know we've broken our own record now and they still have not recognized it. They will not weigh the boot and they will not give us our certificate that we have the world record of most poop in a cowboy boot size 13. And they won't. Thank you for watching the episode of my podcast. As always, me and Eli double tap myself, Batty Streams, and I

I don't even know what to call either of you anymore. Caleb, JT, thank you so much. Caleb, where can everybody find you? The same, Caleb. WFrancis everywhere. Grizzly Puncher on kick. On kick. On kick now. Jared. JT, Article 15. That is it. Yeah, I don't have a kick. I just have an Instagram. Yeah, we'll have a kick. That's it. See you on the after show.

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