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There's a guy who worked for us, this guy, Joe. And he was a skater growing up and sponsored a little bit. And he still had that attitude. I'm like, dude, really? He's like, well, yeah, they used to profile me. I'm like, yeah, correct, because you were a piece of shit. You were a fucking deviant. I'm like, I was a fucking juvenile delinquent. And I'm like, of course they were eyeballing me, because I was stealing shit constantly. Yeah, same. And destroying things constantly. It's like, yeah.
Perfect. It's like hard being a cop and a skater too, especially like as a small business owner now. Like if someone's like grinding on your rails and destroying the paint on them, it's like, little mother. Y'all are just old dads right now. This is the podcast. Three old dads. Skaters in my ride. Oh yeah, you got to open one. Oh, is it? Yeah, you got it. Same time. Right in front. Ready? Three, two, one.
and then you sip it pinkies in or out out or in that's a pinky yeah inside of us i'm not used to having sex before the show say hi to eli
It's racially ambiguous, baddie. That guy's fucking ridiculous, don't I? It's harder to rhyme, but he's a really nice guy. Welcome to Unsubscribe. Hey guys, thanks for watching the Unsubscribe podcast. Make sure wherever you're listening or watching, whether it's on YouTube, Castro, Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, Podbean, Stitcher, or...
That's all of them. Please leave a comment, like it, thumbs up it, give it a rating of five stars, whatever you do. It helps the podcast out immensely. And Donut and Eli will be very happy if you do that. And we want to make Donut and Eli happy today. Yeah. Five stars on everything and a comment if there is possible because we need to be at the top. Donut, say something motivating.
And that's where the, you come, that is. Come subscribe. What's up, buddy? Oh my God. Thanks for having me. Oh, wait. Oh, do you want me to do a thing? Hi everyone. Unsubscribe podcast here. I'm joined today by Eli double fap and Mr. Dan comments.
This is my favorite podcast ever. So I'm like super fucking psyched about this. Time suck. I'm going to go ahead and fucking watch time suck right now. I just picture it and that's the only words you say the entire podcast. I'm done. I'm just super fucking stoked today. I'm done. You guys talk. I'm just a fly on the wall. This is a podcast, not a fly on the fucking wall.
I'm so glad to be here. This is really cool new studio. I mean, I wasn't in the old one, but it looks awesome. This one smells less of poverty. It's much cooler in here. I'm not sweating my dick off. Everything's just nice, you know? And I love where it's set, too. It's a little hidden spot. Very.
very i don't know i don't know how much you want people to know so i don't know how much i'm supposed to say that's pretty hidden if you find it we'll shoot you ding go fuck yourself internet die okay he is a huge fan so i was like and i'm i love your shit and then thank you i've been we've been talking back and forth for you were the first comedian you're like yeah i'd love to how's november look we were like talking in like june i was like
I guess, man. I don't know. Is the world still around? That's a long plan. I know it is crazy. Well, it's like you guys were so busy in so many things too. It is crazy as you get like more into doing more kinds of content. And then you look at your calendar. Cause I was always a person like, Oh yeah, whatever, man. Just, you know, like, and then you start actually looking at the content and it was like, Oh shit. I can, I can meet for lunch in four months. What the fuck? How did this happen? Yeah. Perfect. Yeah.
And people don't get that. You'll have the people that are like, bro, just meet me for lunch this week. And you're like, I don't have...
An hour is a long time. We were joking about that the other day about like how disappointed most people would be to see like behind the scenes of like what we do over like we call like, you know, bad magic productions, like these various shows, but they're all like research based or stories based. And I think there's this like, you know, concept or this perception of like we're all hanging out and cracking jokes and some of that does go on for sure. But there's just a lot of people just furiously typing away on computers. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Come on. Like, I got to get this done in the next three hours. But is this joke good? Let me tell it one more time. It fucking doesn't land hard enough. Okay, go back. Do this. Got the edit. No back and forth. Bad. Like, it's just a fucking nightmare. Comics behind the scenes to a lot. I mean, there's definitely some that are like lively, but there's so many that are just brooding. Like, there's the stage stuff, but then behind the scenes are just like, I suck.
I hate myself. I'm a piece of shit. It's the Heather of comics. She just shits on herself. It's like the crowd's like, whoo! She's like, thanks everybody. I love you all. She walks backstage. Not today. Not fucking today. I have to say, I have to work on it so hard. And I hear myself doing this and get mad at myself every time. But I'll finish a show. Someone...
"Just be nice! Who just had fun?" So I'm like, "Dude, that was so much fun." And I'm like, "Ah, you know, this fucking story I fucking butchered." And then I hear myself like, "What are you doing, you maniac?" Just say thank you. And move on. It's fine, you're just shitting. I'm like, "Bro, I'm just trying to give you a compliment." You just immediately pull it. "Is it funny?"
Because I hate it! Dude, my friend Chad Daniels, he's my favorite psycho that way. He's another comic. He, no matter what, he will turn on the audience. And it's like, and he makes it fun. But like, it's insane to watch where it's like, I'm watching it and I can see in his eyes. I'm like, oh, things are turning. Like, he's not liking this. And the crowd's like, yay! And then like, maybe one joke, they won't laugh as much as he thought. He's like, oh, you fucking comedy experts now! I just can't fucking... I don't like it!
I saw so many years ago he was taping his half hour special for Comedy Central. We like a bunch of us taped these in masks and it was like a big deal where him and I are both from like small towns. So excited to be there. I'm watching him do it. It's like he's doing it. It's going so well, but he felt like it wasn't enough.
And he stopped the taping, which is not a normal thing to do. Yeah, yeah. And he stopped it like 10 minutes, and he's like, hey, guys, I know a lot of you just got tickets, free tickets off of Times Square and wandered in here, and you don't give a fuck about this, but this actually means a lot to me. So how about you show a little fucking appreciation and stop sitting there like a bunch of dildos? Like he went angry dad on them. And then they just like fear laughed the rest of it. It's like, okay, let's go.
everyone doing tonight? Woo! Just like screams. The camera's cutting to the audience and they're like, terror is in their eyes. Understanding the psychology of that, I'm like, it's so fun to watch. It's so fun to see. You're just being a director. You're like, everyone shut the fuck up. Okay. What the fuck's going on, guys? That would be so hard. I would never tell my audience to laugh more because I think in my fear would be
Everyone leaves. They would just be like, fuck you, buddy. They get up. The camera cuts from my joke to nothing. It's like an HBO special. There's just no one in the audience. No, it wasn't filmed during COVID. Like an awkward Eric Andre skit or something. Oh, my God. He's so funny. That's a different kind of balls. That fearless anti-comedy where you can just almost like Kaufman-esque.
just do things to fuck with your own audience and be willing to make them hate you for like a possible payoff later. That is a different type of comedy. Have you seen the one where he gets shot to death on the street? No,
He finds a random person and he's like, we're going to prank someone. And so they hide behind just a street corner and they jump out. But of course, another actor pulls a gun and he's got the score. He fucking dies.
And the person is just freaked the fuck out. Oh, God. I love it. Dude, Eric Andre death compilation video is my favorite thing on YouTube. I'll have to watch that. Yeah. I used to watch his... What is it? Comedy Adult Swim. Yeah. The show he had with... Hamilburse. Hamilburse, yeah. And just like... Especially the early episodes when people truly didn't have any idea what they were getting in for. Because he had huge celebrities on there, too. Right. And they were just so confused when he's like whipping his dick out. And just having like... Just like...
craziness or someone comes on a naked guy runs onto the set and he has to fight him and just like, or, or like what pretends to shoot like a member of the band or whatever. It's just chaos. Those are those, like, that's that next level of humor. I could never do. I see that style. It's like, uh, what's the guy, uh,
He's the comedian on, I want to say HBO Showtime. It's, I am going to, if I don't get out of this magic, or this trap, I am going to be exposed to all these elementary schools and then arrested by this police officer. So, when I've been seeing that, fuck, what's his name? He goes in and makes, you know who I'm talking about. He does the marketing pitches for companies. Oh,
Ben something? No, I haven't seen that show. My ex-husband was talking to me about it. I know the audience is sitting here like, you stupid motherfuckers. It's this guy. Yes, the three of us can't come up with this right now. Out of 7 billion people, I can't guess the name of this one fucking dude.
It's like it's life of or it's I can picture his face. He's like a really like he's a deadpan suburban looking white guy like he's Nathan for you. Nice. Yeah. Bad dudes that like the magic trick one because he's been practicing escaping from
like handcuffs. So he's like handcuffed and it's this machine that's holding a zipper and it's going to expose him. And there's a cop sitting there. There's a group of kids standing there watching him. And he's like, and a machine hand that's like ready to unzip his pants and pull his wiener out. And you're like, why would you ever do this? Oh my God.
That cringe here. I do enjoy like the Sasha Baron Cohen and stuff like when they just make things so uncomfortable. I just don't know if I could commit to that, like some of that stuff like in real life. Like I like to joke about imagining doing those things. And I would do some things when I was younger, like just to, but just kind of like to be a dick, but like, but to, but to do that, I don't know. That's a special kind of personality. They can like hold character and just make people so angry, so uncomfortable, but
God, Sacha Baron Cohen, like some of the stuff he's done, I'm like, man, you shouldn't be able to, your balls are so big. Like you shouldn't be able to walk. You should have to have a wheelbarrow just to fucking carry your balls around. Cause it's like that, ah, that's next level. He did the, was it Giuliani? Oh yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Fucking pedophile.
Yeah. Made him look like one. He was. He was actually like. He made himself look like one. He exposed himself as being pedophile-like. Dan, huh? He's pedo. First off, Giuliani. Well, and then, like, he's Jewish, but still, when he went into that synagogue with the crazy costume of, like, the long hook nose and just, like, talking to those old ladies, I'm like, oh, that was so uncomfortable. Like,
- I like when I watch that stuff, I'm like moving around in my seat. I'm just like, you're sweating. - Oh no, you're just getting a nervous sweat. - Fucking secondhand embarrassment from what's happening on it.
The UFC gay wrestling scene where they're just fighting naked in the cowboy... In the cage match? Yeah, in the cage match. And then people wanted to fucking kill... They had to like secretly like somehow get them out of the building because they were afraid they were going to get murdered. That was like South Tech. That was like good old boys. Oh, yeah. I never saw this one. What happened? They started... They were supposed to fight. It was like this underground kind of cage match vibe. It was a Sasha Baron Cohen. Oh, yeah. Some small town like, you know, cage around them like UFC...
And then they just started, it got super homoerotic. Yeah, very homosexual. Yeah, and they started making out and stuff. And people went from this reaction of like, ooh, what? To just like, fucking kill him! That crowd, know your audience. Yeah.
Just guys like what are you killing Walder beating off? Coming up
Oh, oh, he's just throwing the semen at the ring. The fucking Rick and Morty was like, I see what makes you laugh. This means nothing to me.
- Holy fuck, I'm so happy right now. - I like to have these scenarios, like the imaginative scenarios. - But that's it. - But I don't actually want to go beat off in front of a cage. But there are some guys who are like, no, that's funny. I'll fucking do that in real life. - Bro, to get the lols, I'll totally make out with my BF and jerk each other off. - Fucking Sasha Cohen and Eric Andre. - Yeah.
They go different. I'll jerk off on my friend's face. It's going to be hilarious. Why does my friend hate me? Well, that's sexual assault, Cody.
You were asleep though. Yeah, that's worse. You came on me. Didn't ask for that. Zero drinks, zero anything. And you just came on my face because I was asleep and it was funny. Cody, there's semen here. It's dried. I have pink eye. I hate my life right now. It's still the Katy Perry. Yeah.
Now I am thinking about like, yeah, I don't know if when you guys were younger, it's like there was that phase of like college age around there, like where I would do things like that where now I'm just like, Oh man, that's fucking insane. Like the, uh,
Just this joke we were just doing. Looking back, when I was in college, I would do a joke where I would, this one roommate. Go on. Go on. I would sneak up behind him, take off my, stab my dick out. And they're like, hey, Paul, what's going on with this TV over here? So he would look around and his face would be like in my dick, like for laughs. And we would laugh. We would laugh. But looking back, I'm like, that's pretty fucked up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It is. What's it called? Waiting. The movie Waiting. Oh, I never saw that. I know the Dane Cook movie. Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds. Oh, I definitely never saw that. I was thinking of some. I just want to beat the fuck out of somebody. I don't know what you're thinking about.
Dude, I did a video about Florida man in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. He was just showing people his dick. And then when they looked at him, he would call him gay and beat him up. What? In real life? No, this is a real life thing. That's Florida. That guy's not a practical joker. He just bath salts in Florida. You're gay. He looked at my dick and he would just beat people up. Yeah. He didn't eat anyone's face while they were still alive. How was work today, honey? Oh.
So many homos. Bro, you're the one whipping your wee-wee out. You're the one doing it. Punching people in the face. Not at that time. This is John. Yeah. That was worth it. Yeah, he's just checking in. He's like, coochie. Goes home, punches his wife for looking at his dick. He just hates everyone looking at his dick. He's like,
He just fucking clocks in to be Florida man every single day. Some insane wealthy benefactor just hires him to do this. Listen, if I was a billionaire, you're showing people your dick and you're fucking punching them. I can't do that 70 grand a year. When do I start? What is this? Benefits? Oh yeah, easily if I was a billionaire, that's one employee I would keep. Have a Florida man in your pocket just to whip out at parties and shit.
How's Dave doing? Your own pet Florida man. That's what I'm crazy. Is this a random piece of shit you pay to be a piece of shit and just unleash on people? Just like he's a W2 employee. He's sending his work hours. You're still making a job job. And I like the old school machine of the actual punch card. He has to show up. He has to do that.
He hates that. It says man, Florida. I wanted to have supervisor meetings too. Like he gets a review every three months. The guy's
I don't know. We just noticed on Wednesdays and Thursdays, like you're barely punching anybody for sure. Like, look at your dick. You're super down on Wednesdays and Thursdays, bro. You're phoning it in. You're phoning it in. And what's going on with your dick? It's barely hard these days. No one saw your cock. No one looked at it. What the fuck is wrong with you?
You make him show up in a suit to their views and foreign's views? Very formal. He still has to give PowerPoints once a month or email presentations. Fucking God. You know, like, what is that? Ongoing training or whatever? Remedial dick training. He shows up in the suit. You bring in a couple people for him to punch in the face after them showing their dick. Like, give him pointers. It's like...
You're supposed to come from the pelvis. You gotta fucking hook him. You have team building exercises? Eight of us are going to jump around at the same time. One of us is going to have a dick out. Get hooked and he's going to hit you. He does a naked truss fall.
And like whoever catches him and looks at his dick. We've created a new superhero. Florida man. We gotta figure out Dan super Dan superpowers. Okay, Dan, we play the game. Okay. You get to choose your own superpower minus the superpower. No one else has picked. You're pretty late in this game. So your options are limited. Okay.
But I mean, the world is your oyster. We get to choose the downside to it. Okay. So the superhero team is called the offenders. The offenders. Yeah. It's part of ARC. I can fly. Yeah. But I have to shout racial slurs while I'm flying.
So like if there's a Section 8 housing community on fire. We don't want to see Cody. I can't rescue anyone. You see Cody walking with the ladder. I'm helping. He's climbing up. It's like that boy can fly. We don't need to see that today. Why? Was it? Action 11 news is outside right now. Can't you fly?
No, I can't. I can't do it. Put on these earphones. Eli, what's yours? I run real, like, fucking speed of light. I just can't control shit when I'm doing that. Okay. So there's just... He's the brown streak. Yeah, the brown streak. And you said a lot of powers have already been taken, though? Yeah, but we can... Has anybody...
I feel like the big ones take like shoot lasers. Like where? Like from where? From their eyes? From their eyes. I'll just go ahead and get my, the last guy is still in my head and I want to be able to shoot lasers out of my dick. I was going to say that. I was going to say that. But it has to be a limp dick.
And it burns. And it burns. It's got to be limp and it burns. No, it's way more awkward if it's hard because then he's in a stressful combat situation saving whoever. Like there's a bus and save these bus of kids because the doors are fucking. Cody, these doors are iron shut. There's no way we have to cut the top.
of that bus off and we'll pull the kids out. - And I have to get hard now. - And now he has to get hard in front of the kids. - 24 children, you have to get hard. - Right, right, to laser the fucking school bus roof off. And it hurts when I'm lasering it. So it's like, "Ugh!" - "I love you kids!"
I love the kids! I love the children! Don't say that, Dan! Don't say that! Please change your uniform, it also says it, which is really weird. I love children, Dan, really? Because you're shitting and I'm screaming the other way. The offender, that's great. So you're, okay, so fucking laser dick power. I have a laser dick, but I have to be hard, and it burns. And it burns.
Okay. All right. I just like you showing up. You're like, this is really stressful. I am. Fuck me. How do I get hard right at this moment? I think my favorite is Demo Ranch or Buddy Demolition Ranch. His is he can teleport, but every time he like does the little X-Men teleport thing somewhere, he has to kill a kitten. So he has a bag of kittens. That's like the sacrifice. Oh, bag of kittens. Yeah.
I'll save these shows. One. Two. Teleport back out. And we were asking how lazy you get. It's like, I got to go restroom. You're going to become desensitized. Oh yeah. Like at first you're going to be like so sad, but once you've like fucking snapped the necks of like a hundred kittens, then you're just like, ah, fucking cats. Yeah. Whatever. I got to get water. I got to go to the fridge.
I forgot my cup. You just get your cup, break the cap, and you're back at the water. Looking for your wallet. Is it here? Nope. You just teleported here on your house, shattering kit bags. Exactly. Your house smells terrible. You're so lazy because, like, you've been teleporting so much. I just figured somebody like a lazy boy, and they just don't want to flip the fucking...
pedestal down for their feet so they just like snap a kitten's neck just to go from a lazy boy to a standing position. You don't even really move that far. It's just two lazy boys in two different positions. My leg's going numb. Snap. Back and forth. Just Kitty Hitler over here.
I like this. I like this gang of superheroes. Yeah, we had also, I actually wrote a list for you because I was like, you know what? He's going to have these. Oh, this is one we were talking about on the way here. Because you are into the true crime. Yeah. If you were a serial killer, what would your MO be? Ooh, gosh, man. I have to think of something that hasn't been done.
With the MLB, if I was a serial, I guess I'd want to do something. You have that t-shirt. I love children. Just pull that one. Go ahead. Dance face of horror. He's like, ha ha. I think it'd be weird to like throw them up by like something, something really like nice.
Like after, so like you kill somebody, but then like leave a card with a charitable donation to something. So like, yes, you killed somebody, but also you leave proof that you gave like $5,000 to like a fucking food shelter or a food bank or something. Just like a weird concoction where every time you like horribly mutilate some other body, but then leave like a really nice, maybe cash for the family.
Like you leave... That's more fucked up. Sorry you're having a sad day. Here's some money. Get better. The body's dismembered, mutilated. Or maybe really weird, like a handwritten note and like a Cinnabon gift certificate. Like, sorry I fucking... Sorry I fucking murdered your family.
And then you draw a frowny face. Have you had a Cinnabon? Have you had a Cinnabon? Holy shit. They make me smile. Here's a free gift certificate.
$300 for Cinnabons. $300? That's a lot of Cinnabons. They're never going to spend because they're killer. Please, every time you get sad, every time you get sad thinking about your daughter being fucking horrifically beheaded and mutilated, get a Cinnabon. I swear it'll make it so much better. Did you just write a Cinnabon commercial? Are they even around anymore, Cinnabons? I don't know. There's one in San Antonio Airport, right?
Are they only in airports? I haven't seen one in a while. Everything sucks. I know. Fucking airport. That's a good one. Or maybe take a movie, just something ridiculous. Hey, like an AMC movie gift certificate. One movie? When you need an escape from thinking about how your daughter was horrifically mutilated in the galaxy.
You know what makes me feel better? Thor's scum. Classic movie nights on Thursdays. Sorry about the comms.
That would be a super fucked up calling card. Or maybe act like you think it makes it all better. Like we're even now. At the end of each one. I know it's pretty fucked up when I did this, but you gotta admit, this is a nice gesture on the other side. So maybe we're even. Something like the... You always sign it even, Steven. The even Steven killer. Yeah.
Even Steven. You murdered my whole family of seven and gave me two gift cards to Walmart and one to Starbucks. We are hardly even, Dan Cummings. I know I shotgun your family to death, but look at this cool moped I left you. See, it's on its side. But how do you
I know I fucking butchered your entire family to death, but if you look in the backyard, yes, that is your trampoline. Like, you're welcome. Even Steven. I spent four hours building this where you were asleep, not noticing. So they feel worse. Oh my God. The killer was here building this.
While you should have been protecting your family, I was quietly building a tree fort in the backyard. Surprise! Even Steven. P.S. You left your door unlocked. I had to borrow tools. Immediately placed... Yes. Leave only $77. It doesn't make fucking sense.
Or just extra, even extra fucked up things like, like you can like for the kids and then you leave amounts of money for each kid that you think is worth them based on their like attractiveness. I know you're so upset about me killing your beautiful daughter, but I left $10,000 and
And 50 bucks for the ugly kid I also gave him. Even Stephen. That's a big discrepancy in number two. What the fuck was wrong with Charles? He really did not like that kid if he gave me $50. Yeah, my family's dead, but fuck, man. $50, right? The $10,000 was cool.
- Batty, remember that time I was searching for anime dolphins and I was super embarrassed? - I hate when I'm online searching up hot anime dolphins. - Me too, it's the most embarrassing thing. You know what? Sometimes you're like, just use incognito mode. - I always use incognito mode, that's safe, right? - Yeah, even until the government knocks on your door, trust me. And then you're holding up that anime dolphin, you're trying to not turn your pants into shorts.
And that's why I use ExpressVPN.
It doesn't matter who your internet service provider is. That's ISP. In the U.S., can legally tell your information to ad companies. They can sell everything you have, even on incognito mode. That's stupid. They know. They're listening. They're watching. They don't care if you're secret. They don't even care right now. ExpressVPN is an app that reroutes your internet connection through their secure service so your ISP can't see the sites you visit. No more dolphin stuff.
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It's just like how you have adblock or anything like that. You can just turn it on or just never shut it off because I know you're a bunch of degens looking up anime waifu dolphins. I can't wait till that's a shirt. That's a shirt now. Anime waifu dolphins. I hate it. I hate it so much. But hey, now you can safely search the internet, surf the web, look up your disgusting, disgusting
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I wonder if there is a number where a killer wouldn't, like your family's brutally murdered. Here's $1.2 billion to not report this. Oh shit. That's a lot of money. There has to be a number where like one family member dies. You're like, we're reporting this to us. A lot of money. Steven was kind of a dick. Oh my God.
Let's have a family sit down. Okay. Family dinner. If he would kill. Let me stop crying. Yeah. Steven's just like. He's just dead. I mean, if he would have killed Donna, yeah, that's tragic. But we're talking about Steven. But.
How much did we re- I mean, we talked a lot of shit about him. He had problems in school. He had problems with his friends. It's a lot of money. Carolyn, get his report card. Look at this. This fucking failure at everything. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop. He's your fucking stupid brother. He died of natural causes. Pay cameras on Steven. Throat. Arms gone.
That's a fucking dark thought. I'm having a real thought. Of all the people murdered. There has to be. This is fucked up. I know this. But there has to be at least one person that came home to find a family member. And had an internal thought of like, oh, thank God. Oh, 100%. I mean, the divorce costs. Why everybody who dies is like they were loving. They were cherished. Yes. So loving and cherished.
It's so crazy. I can't remember if I shared this thought on an actual stand-up album or if it was too much for the audience. But I had that same thought as like Heather was just saying of like, you know, whenever somebody dies, and it doesn't have to be murdered. It can be like a bus goes off a cliff and it's like, you know, like a...
You know, all these wonderful people, these amazing lives were taken from us. But then like in regular life, when you go to the mall, you know, chances are five out of 10 people, you see like, fuck that douchebag. But, but then when they die, it's like, Oh, this, this tear, this amazing life was taken. It's like, okay. 30 people in a bus go off a cliff. At least five of them. It's like, we're cunts.
You know, they were bitching up to the moment that bus actually landed. They're like, this is your fault. It's like the husband's still getting ready. Like, geez, thank God. Can you imagine that's how the news like related to, it's like a tragic morning. There was a bus full of 30 people. They went off a cliff. 25 of those people were great, amazing people. Two were fucking. Yeah.
Two were douchebags and one was just really kind of unlikeable. He was an eyesore to everyone. He was an eyesore. One of them was idiots. He wasn't specifically mean to anyone. He just sucked. Jesus. Did they throw the picture up on the news? I mean, look, is anyone really sad? Everyone at home goes... Our ratings are going down right now showing his photo. Pull that off the screen. Okay.
- In true crime, there is a fucked up phenomenon that for sure happens where it's like the stats on that, you know, how many people are murdered every year is, you know, horrific. And the ones that get the most press in general are attractive white women. Like that is a for sure a thing. Where it's like if a serial killer only targeted like the most unattractive people ever,
It will for sure get way less media attention is if somebody went after like models or something like that. Weird. Yep. There is like you just like look at certain cases that attract, you know, public attention. And it's like, oh, yeah. Well, and the big one, Ted Bundy.
you know, Ted Bundy versus like John Wayne Gacy. It's like John Wayne Gacy had a lot of, but not nearly the amount of Ted Bundy. And there's so many unknown ones. Like he killed a lot more people. Like a lot of those people killed a lot more people. Randy Kraft, the scorecard killer. It's like, there's just certain societal things. Like he was going after dudes. Uh,
where Ted Bundy was going after not only women, but like young women, young, attractive women, co-ed age. And it's like that got way more attention. And yes, he was attractive. There's other elements, but there is for sure a hierarchy, like absolutely, like within, with victims. We call him the poor Mexican killer. It never made me feel comfort. Oh my God. Because it's like, I only kill poor Mexicans in New York. He killed 600 Mexicans. Yeah.
Yeah, but this guy killed two white women. Yes. Oh, no. They were super hot. Literally how it goes is most people don't realize what's the Andre's killer, the mountain killer?
The guy that has the most Pedro. Pedro Lopez. Dude, kill him and then he gets monster of the Andes. Yeah, monster of the Andes and gets off good behavior. Killing like 300 or 200 people. Oh, that was the one that killed criminals, right? He was like, no, that's the good one. No, that's another dude. Yeah. This guy just murdered kids. Yeah, kids. Girls specifically. 300. They let him go? 18 years for good behavior.
Because of all the cartel type stuff like that and corruption and politics and stuff, they reduced maximum sentencing laws in certain South American countries. I can't remember if that one was – That's the one, but it's also all crimes are condensed to a single crime when you're charged. Yep, and you can't get – no matter what you do, you can't get more than 20 years. So he got one murder pretty much.
Yeah, he like they knew he killed a fucking insane amount of people. And they're just like, well, yeah, we can only put you in for this long. And then he got out and started killing again. A murder. You got a murder. He did. Right. And they were like 20 years of people like, what the fuck? He started showing the bodies, everything like because he knew a majority of. Yeah. And then they're like, man, you behaved in prison. So.
Come on, let's go. You're out buddy. And then he disappeared after that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I have no idea. Like how many more? Yeah. There's so many, there's a crazy, I just learned this week for this coming episode. It's like the MMIW, uh, uh,
Murdered and missing indigenous women. It's like this crisis on like reservations. I knew almost nothing about it. Predator. But it's fucking insane where the way the laws work, and I don't think it's changed recently, but like you can't, tribal police can't give somebody more than a year. Now it got changed to three years recently, but until recently, no matter what crime they were convicted of, one year maximum penalty. If the feds didn't get involved and want to help, somebody could straight up fucking murder
murder somebody, they, they tribal court guilty one year, maximum $5,000 fine. Maximum. What was that? Uh, the movie that was so good about, um, or a renter, uh, Jeremy Renner was in it about the reservation. Oh, I didn't see it. I don't think for the guys, um, they like can kill a reservation girl and Jeremy Renner lives on the reservation and he goes and he just fucking mercs everyone. Ooh, nice. Did he play a native American? What is it called?
Something mountain or I hope he played a Native American. I was very unaware of that whole what?
Wind River. Wind River. It's so fucking good, dude. If you're doing your episode about that, that's what this whole movie is about. I'll have to look into that because I was unaware. One of three years is insane. Yeah, yeah. They finally, if it was multiple crimes, now you could, the maximum, no matter what, is nine years. But there's all these other problems, too, where it's like a lot of tribal police can't arrest. Okay, let's say a non-tribal person comes on the reservation, kills a tribal woman, they can't arrest him.
They have to call the fucking feds or something like that. And then those people, but then a lot of times there's not funding. So there are long ways. So it's, it's the stats. They get murdered 10 times the rate of any other ethnicity. Holy shit. Yep. It's just a crazy. I was like, what? This is happening now. Still. Yeah. Blown away because, and then the people who are experts say it's like, well, yeah, cause they've, the jurisdictional confusion has created a hunting ground.
for these fucking predators. Yeah, where they can just like, just get away with whatever. And now you're bringing it to spotlight, so it's going to double now. Well, it's going to double that. So you're at fault for all of this. Any future ones, I'm probably at fault. It's just called the Dan Cummings effect. And you're like, no, no. I actually did think about that as I was recording. I didn't say anything, but I'm like, oh man,
This is a terrible idea because I'm like ranting about like, oh yeah, you can just fucking get away with it. And I'm just picturing somebody like dude listening to like, yeah, you can get away with it. Dan, it wasn't that you said that. It was the drawings indicating how you can get away with it was the main issue we had. It's literally an org chart. It was the even Steven addendum package that you posted a blueprint. Yeah.
Dan, you left two pieces of corn. You explained it for two hours. Happy Thanksgiving. Dan, this is fucked up. You can't do this. You have to fucking cornucopia. This is the most insulting. It's not even Steven, Dan. You're just a piece of shit. Don't touch those blankets. They have smallpox. Oh my God.
Such a fucking asshole. Just leaves a fucking blanket with a wink. Even Steven. He killed our family and he left blankets. But a very nice turkey day dinner. Yeah, you cooked everything. It's really delicious too. It's like...
Babe, you have to trade the gravy. It's really good. Look, what's done is done. This gravy is still fresh. This is still steaming. Not even this delicious gravy isn't going to bring our family back. It's so good. It's steaming. God damn, he's a good girl. Can't even be that mad.
- He's a brutal psychopath. - He used nothing from a can, it's so good. Everything's fresh ingredients. - The guy gets arrested and the relatives visit him in prison and they're just like, he expects they're gonna confront him about it. It's like, listen, what you did to my family. I just, I'll never get over it. But while I'm here.
Please if you could just give me that recipe Anything we've tried to replicate It's always too salty It was magical all the families drop charges at court Cuz they want your secret bean sauce The plea bargain is the recipe? Do you have like 50 just in odd years just like
Now he's good. That's the MO. That's the crazy serial killer. Like he fucking annihilates, but then he just makes a delicious meal. Like he's such an amazing cook and just leaves it for you warm. And then that's how he gets out of it. It's literally, he's like, yeah, you want to know how to make that fucking cordon bleu chicken? Well, let's talk. I just picked it in the field. You don't start with the thing up. No.
Hey, Eli. Huh? You ever just want to feel better than all of our viewers, everybody who listens? You ever just feel like you're a little bit better than all of them? Yes. Me too. So now, with established titles, we officially can be. We can become lords and or ladies if we have a guest on who wants to be. Like me, Lord Batty Daddy, and you, Sir Lord Eli Double Chap. You're going to commit to the... Okay. No, this is a different voice. Is it?
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It makes a great last minute gift. We even have a couple packs that come with adjoining plots of land so we could get one for you and me next to each other. So when we die, our trees could grow together. I can fit in one square foot. You can. That's so mature. I hope they put mine on top of yours. The first 200.
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There's so many different ones. Just because it was so absurd, maybe Albert Fish still. It's been a long time. Yeah.
Yeah, so fucked up. Toybox is fucked. I didn't listen to that one. Albert Fish, Toybox was just so captivating because it was so horrific. There's a weird time. It is a true thing. Time plus tragedy is comedy. It's like Albert Fish, because it happened so long ago and the old-timey language he used did add little avenues for comedy, but
For me, it's like he was such a weird weirdo where he was the I can't think of a comparable serial killer where he would tie people up, but then somehow but then also want them to tie him up. And it's like he would beat victims, but also want his victims to beat him. And he was such a so depraved, like with his fetishes, he would want to like, you know, shit on a victim, but also have the victim shit on him. It's like he was this weird combo and he would write the funniest part of Darkly Fun, but he would.
to try and get new victims, he would write these, this whole scam, this long con where he would write these women
And say that he had his son and his son needed, it was like old timey, like phone sex. The way he would try to like work this, but like a long series of letters. And he would start off saying he had a son and he's looking to get like remarried, needs a maternal influence in their life. And, you know, try to get these widows to write him back. And they would. And then he's like, well, my son needs discipline. He's like, he's, you know, he might need some discipline. He needs a strong, you know, maternal figure. And they're like, okay, they write back all old timey language. And it would just keep escalating. He's like, he's probably gonna need to be spanked.
He's probably going to need a spanking for like a firm hand spanking. And then he would like, and then it just kept asking. He's like, we're both probably need to get spanked. And then it would just like talk up and he pretend to be a whole time. Yeah. Old timey sex. And he would pretend to be a Hollywood producer and he would start these fucking nonsense things about big starlets of the day. Well, you might not know, but it's common practice in Hollywood for them to like get their bare bottom spanked and, you know, and to like, you know, I, they, they have their be shit on and,
and eat people's shit. So I might want some of this. It's like some new studies have shown that if you shit on someone, like this fucking insane, he would just see how long he could go. Cause that's what got him off is trying to find someone to shit in his mouth.
Showbiz. That's how they do it in Hollywood. Everyone's doing it. You get the bottom spanked and you get the cat o' nine tails and you get a little bit of whipping and you get a hot, piping hot peanut butter put in your mouth. Are we good? But it was just so, the letters were so absurd that that was just like, it's sometimes hard to find like a weird little angle on that.
I guess for humor. It's all humor. And the cult ones are always fascinating to me. All the cult episodes, some more than others, but it's just what people will believe if you just slowly drag them into this crazy cult place. Because people are always like, how do people get to this Heaven's Gate level? Like Jonestown. If you look at the photos of Jonestown, that is the most...
That is the most surreal pictures you will see where you're like, this dude... All the dead people? Yeah, this white dude convinced 9 or 1,200 people to fucking drink Kool-Aid. And her... Yeah, all the flavor aid poisons. And it's like, well, people...
Forget it's like they don't start off with that level of insanity. It's like a long process. And then once you get more and more people to buy in, it gets easier to get new members because you have this group mentality, like all these people say, no, it's great. It's great. It's great. But Jim Jones wanted like a little known thing. We found out about him just to show how, how,
his powers of manipulation, he did this weird mind fuck where he convinced his followers that they were all gay and he was the only straight person and being gay was a sin. And he, but he felt empathy for them. And so to, to give them some kind of pleasure, he framed it as some kind of weird treatment thing. Like I'm doing this for you. And he talked all these dudes into letting him fuck them in the ass and
For them, for their benefit. And they would walk away being like, that's so great that this nice straight man fucked my gay ass, even though they weren't gay. Like he mind fucked straight dudes into thinking maybe I am gay and like get mine. Dan dick fuck. It was insane. There was this PBS documentary and this dude's explaining this and he wasn't.
He heard about this too early. He had just started to get into the commune building part of the cult in California. And he said he was they were in some kind of big room together after working. You know, they had a bunch of like crops and things they would do, like very commune based. And and this guy started to give a speech. He's like, hey, guys, we need to talk. He goes, what you're doing. I think they called him father or dad. He's like, what you're doing to father is not OK. You got to wash your assholes.
And this guy was like, fucking what? And he just like, it's disrespectful, you know, to have your dirty. And he's like this speech because it's disrespectful to have a dirty butthole for Jim Jones to fuck to help you get your gayness out of your system because he's so straight. Like it's nonsense. But these people, he said like he's in the room with these people and they're like, oh, no, that makes sense. And remember, they can vote.
I know. I think about that all the time. No matter how fucking crazy you are, you can get in that voting booth. If I can talk you into having sex with me because you're gay, not me. Yeah. These cult leaders, the shit they've gotten people to believe over and over again, sometimes a small group, very little, not well-known, sometimes a big group. It's scary how much they can get their hooks in people.
It's like this pot committed thing. It's like kind of like, like playing poker. It's like you get to this point where it's like, you've lost so much money and you just are desperate to win your money back. And you start like doing, making crazy decisions and you just won't leave the poker table. Cause you're just like, no, I've invested too much in this. They get like that with Colts. Once they get to the point where they've given the Colt their possessions and they've fucked over their family relationships, they don't want to look foolish. And there was a psychological term for it, but like,
The longer it goes, it's pretty much a, what is it with cognitive dissonance? It comes into it, but what it's like when you're kidnapped and you like Stockholm syndrome, it's almost a, there can be Stockholm syndrome and they're going to, and there's this thing where nobody wants to feel stupid. No, I know what you're talking about. It's like being in a relationship for like three years to eight years. And you're like,
You, yep. I've invested this much time for him as well. And the longer Jim Jones, what's my butt again? I don't want to seem crazy. The longer it goes, the more dumb you look if you get out. So you're like, you don't want to have to like have all these, I told you so's. So you just rationalize more and more crazy shit. And what's funny, interesting about Colts, 90% of them, it's just about a dude getting laid. Oh, a hundred percent. It's, it's,
90% of them, it's a dude who wants to fuck... Usually, older dude wants to fuck a bunch of younger women. So many cults boil down to that. It creates this entire fucking theology just to get their dick wet at the end of the day. My seed will give you a godchild. Just so you know, the next prophet comes from my ball sack. I know what you're thinking. First off, my genes, not the best. God chose me crazy. Jim's giving out butt babies today? Jim is just...
Butt babies. Thanks, Jim. At least I'm not gay, right, Jim? What's the line when you're like, huh? The first time I bent over and I felt a mushroom push against me, I'm like, nah, nah, nah, I'm not. I'm fucking...
Thank you for helping me for sin. Yeah, I'm cured. Not my cup of tea. Do you, Jim? I don't care. It's just not me. But I think about it with just human nature. I think that's like the fascination with serial killers and the cults. It's just like, it is fascinating how far off the beaten path some people can go and rationalize their choices and think like, I'm a good person still. I'm a sane person and just doing the most insane shit.
That's what I like for like, not Ed Gein, but... Kemper? Kemper, yeah, Ed Kemper. I know you're like, eh! Mother! Dude, Kemper, like, that's a good example of...
Yeah, because he's just so he's like a very intelligent guy. He's fucking scary on how big he is. Oh, yeah. Six, six, eight or six, eight. Yeah. But his IQ, he was like one seven. Yeah. Very, very intelligent. Fucking nuts. He was the rare serial killer, Ed Kemper, who turned himself in like, you know, like after it was like, oh, run.
Well, there was speculation with him. It's like that he was – a lot of times these killers, it's like they're killing their – okay, like Bundy. Kept killing that girl who turned – who spurned him over and over in his mind. A lot of these women look like this first love he has, this first big love. Kemper, it's killing his mom over and over again, they thought, on some psychological level. And then once he killed his mom, it was like the circuit was complete. And it's like, oh, I don't even know what to do now. I guess I should – and it seemed like he did have some remorse on some levels. Like you should –
I'm sick. You should put me away. That's very rare for them to like, because maybe so intelligent to actually kind of come back to like the, the whatever perceived trauma sent them on that path on some level and to eliminate that person. Cause you know, usually what they do is they just let their, it's usually, usually a mom, a dad, some kind of family member that they're killing over and over, but they almost never actually kill that person. Yeah. And then they don't turn like what he did was,
remorse or whatever to whatever a psychopath's serial killer can have remorse. But then he was like, oh yeah, you should, how do you cure people? You're like, oh, you can't. We're not curable. You let me out. I'm going to repeat this behavior. But I'm going to give some kid audio books for you. All the normal stuff. He's the reason the FBI started profiling serial killers. Yeah, he's one of them. Yeah, that was the show.
Yeah. Yeah. What is it? The behavioral analysis, BAU behavioral analysis unit. Yeah. Yeah. Which is so fascinating at that time because it was back in the day, it was just evil is evil. There was like, it wasn't, Oh, what, what,
developed evil. What started it? Was it childhood? Because you do have the Bundys, the Dahmers, where you're like, oh, they had a decent childhood. Where the fuck did they go all psychopath? And then a lot of the time it's like, oh, really bad childhood. All this stuff. And that's why your kids all messed up. There's so many different factors. Have you done the little girl that was just evil? I forget her name. Have you talked about that? It's a little girl that they... At a young age. They're like...
What the fuck? Oh, the twin. She had a little sister and a twin that is like a healthy, happy family. There's super viral YouTube video. I don't know. They're talking to her. They're interviewing her. Maybe when she's like, yeah, I just want to stab them to see what the insides look like. There's little girls fucked up. There's that nature nurture thing. It's like, that's why I like, uh, I hate it when people want to like, um, really try to rehabilitate like serial rapists, serial pedophiles. Like, no, they're fucked. That's,
- Like their brain is fucked up forever. It's like, you know, you can't fix certain things, you know? It's like, and yes, there's a myriad of reasons of how they got there. But like, when it comes to like crime and punishment, I don't fucking care at the end of the day how they get, it's like, make sure they can never do that again. And some people, I think some psychologists and stuff like they get a little God complex and think that they can break this new ground and like, you know, cure this, you know, person of doing all these terrible things. But like, like some of them, like the sexual sadist, once they go down that route road,
and they're attracted to trauma. Like they're attracted to gore, which is a real thing. It's like Chikatilo, you know, that Russian guy couldn't get hard. Oh yeah. Unless there was fucking blood and you know, like death in front. That was like this. He would wait for the bus. If I remember. Ah, it's been so long. I can't remember how he, he killed a ton of people. Yeah. Long period of time. Yeah. Usually like lure people out into the woods. Yeah. Yeah. From the bus stops. Yep. And then cabin and stuff. But it's like, it's scary. Like once kind of like a, I think about like it's,
it's one of the scariest things about like serial killers to me is like, I think about like, we all have like a fetish, you know, it was like, uh, okay. For like, I like pinup like that. Look, I don't know why I like that. Look, fucking love that. Look, uh, some people don't. And then some people like what their thing is, is just, you know, uh, they have to torture somebody. They have to hurt somebody to get off. And it's like, they haven't figured out how to unwire that. Just like, I don't think I could unwire, uh, liking the pinup look, uh,
They can't unwire that. That's what's so scary about pedophiles. You know, like once people are attracted to a fucking eight-year-old, you can't unwire that. It's like, it is a, it's just fucking terrifying. You can say it's like, I'm working on it. Right. Guess what? I like big booze since I was a little kid. Right.
- Right, right, right. - I still like big boobs. Hasn't changed too much. - No, it's not going away. - It's hardwired. - The second my penis is like, "No," and goes back, I'm like, "What the fuck?" - You solved it. - I solved the problem, I'm rich, bitch.
That's probably the most kickback I get on any issue from like the overall audience is I'm super pro death penalty for those kinds of cases. Yeah. You know? And it's just like, it's like it, I look, cause I look at greater good. I'm like, are we going to risk this person killing for, and they're like, yeah, but what about every once in a while when somebody is wrongly, it's like, yeah, I know we got to work on that, but let's say one in 10,000, one in 20,000 gets executed. They shouldn't have.
But what if we like aired the other way and released these people and then they kill 300 people, they kill 500 people, they kill a thousand. It's like, well, yeah, a thousand people dead is fucking way worse than one dead. It's just numbers. Yes. Decriminalize drugs. Yeah. Yes.
Oh my God. Yep. That's it. Yep. Decriminalize drugs. Are we going to... Oh my God. When I run for office, that's going to be my slogan. Decriminalize drugs. Kill the pedophiles. The decriminalize drugs, I could talk for hours about it, but that makes me so angry. I get so worked up. It's like... Yeah, if you're not...
It's like punished with drugs. I've always thought like you punish the crime that someone may commit on drug. Okay. If somebody gets fucked up on drugs and then vandalizes your house, you punish them for vandalism. You don't stack it with like, but they were high. Who fucking cares? The outcome is the outcome. And it's like, like,
Right. Yeah, the privacy of their own home. Raw dog reality. Heather Lynn. 2022. I do get so frustrated with politics that way where it's like I won't ever take – I won't ever like really, really like a politician until they got serious about like monetizing drugs. It's like – and reducing nonviolent offenders in prison. The people in prison for just drug charges, fuck off. Oh, it's ridiculous.
It's insane. And it kills me that there are so many people in prison, long-term sentences for weed and shit like that, but then fucking pedophiles, who it's their third offense, get out after a year. It's like...
What are we doing? It's enraging. Yeah. You're like, yay, government doing good. Yay, government! We did good. We did real good. We were outlaws real good. Everyone protected. I've been joking about, ladies and gentlemen, about how absurd it is to run for any higher office. You don't have to have any qualifications. Literally none. No. Just a blind popularity contest. Yep. That's crazy. We should run for fucking all of them.
I'm saying, dog. Isn't it crazy? I could be the governor of Texas right now. Dude, have you met our president, Mr. Beast? And his vice president, PewDiePie? You know what? Which is that? It's like, lols me.
Secretary to bits dead company everyone he's built penis laser To be hard though I
I would love that. Like on the debates, they can just cut hours of the most horrific shit you can say that I've said publicly like over many years. And be like, well, what about that? I'm like, that was pretty funny. You're just laughing. Bring that bit back.
You're taking notes. Speaking of inappropriate, my wife, Lindsay, we did a live show, which we don't need to do as much humor for, scared to death. But she got... I caught her off guard. Usually you can see my bullshit coming. She got so mad at me, but I did do the defensive, like, yeah, but it was pretty funny. She was doing this, like... She was doing this serious, heartfelt talk about the donations we do, which we do. And she...
And so it's kind of like an emotional moment. And she was talking about how we listed off a bunch of things. And she's like, and we also donate to the victims of domestic violence. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, maybe we do. And sometimes we donate to the perpetrators for pro-domestic violence charities. And then just trying to see if she's going to go...
It was like a record scratch. He's like not funny and I can hear I can hear all the guys the producer like fucking bust up laughing I'm like First off
And not getting laid for a little bit. She did. It took her a second. I was like, come on, it's absurd. Come on, it was a joke. Even Steven.
Dan's like, honey, this is going to be a good bit. And he's shadowboxing in front of the battered women's shelter. I've gotten better as I've gotten older, but it's like you get used to like just having a weird sense of humor all the time and joking with your friends. And like when I was younger, I wouldn't I would forget that some random person on the street does not know me or understand my humor at all.
And the worst, probably the most I offended somebody is I thought, I just thought they would know I was being absurd. And it was just basically what I did with my wife, but it was a real life moment. It was in front of a grocery store. And this like college age girl is trying to get people to sign a petition for some kind of like anti-pedophile legislation. She explains to me what it is. And she was like, do you want to sign this? And I was like, nope. And then she was like, why not? And I was like, cause I'm pro pedophile. And,
And it was like I had fucking punched her in the face. Like, she was so... And I was like, no, no, no, I'm joking. She's like, how is that a joke? High-strange man that's broken down. High-strange guy who looks kind of like... You have a chicken holding a fucking rifle. I can't trust you right now, Mr. Broken Final Man.
That's why I feel like so lucky with time sucks. I've always had the most fucked up sense of humor. And it's like, it's so refreshing to like, okay, there's other deviants. There's other. Thanks Heather. And I, oh, thanks. Oh, thank you. And you know what I find? I find people with dark senses of humor who can joke about are generally, and I'm not trying to like make this about like my, but it's like that kind of humor, but there tend to be the nicest people, the most genuine people who aren't trying to put on airs of being something they're not. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You, yeah, you have that humor comes from somewhere. Yep. Sprinkle in a little trauma there. A little trauma. Just sprinkle that trauma on. And yeah, I think it does make you more empathetic because yeah, if you have a dark sense, you generally had some rough patches, you know, some shit. Yeah. One or two. One or two. When there's some stuff. Yeah. I think everyone relates to that. Got a joke for you and your wife. Okay. I like my beer. Like I like my violence.
Domestic. I'll share with her. I'll share with her. That's all you. That's a Dan Cummings joke, everyone. Next podcast, I'll just throw that in the middle. She's like, why are you doing this? This had nothing to pertain to this. We were talking about her family, Dan. But we're talking about the kids, Dan. Just trying to spice life up right now, babe. Oh, man.
God damn it. I love you so much. I love you guys. This has been a fun. I can tell when my face hurts. This has been good. This has been fun. That's how I always do it. It's based off of the cadence of talking. It's the fun. It's the laughs. And it's the dark humor because our audience
loves the fucked up shit like this is still very much a pg-13 episode on because we didn't do a lot of race stuff yeah i didn't say the n-word super loud yeah that's usually at least five times and you pulled back yeah five or six times we had to cut that in post every time every time you floating away it's real weird thankfully we got that's the patreon episode is with dan just shouting it for 30 minutes oh my god
So make sure you stay tuned for the Patreon. Dan's just like, beee, floating. Dan becomes a Modern Warfare 2 lobby. It's just the F word and the N word the whole time. We didn't get a peep in. Welcome to the Patreon. And you guys just started Patreon, right? Yeah, a month and a half ago. Yeah, you love his talk. It's going well. Sounds like it's good.
is doing this thank god that those things exist it's like i feel like a uh ancient person but it's like but when i started doing comedy like a couple years ago uh none of those avenues existed so you had all these gatekeepers who were like nope that's too fucked up now you can't i'm like no but people like this is fucked but now it's like they're yeah but just if you can there's people out there that like what you do they can support it in different ways and it
It creates so much better content, you know, because people can actually be authentic and be who they want to be. The tier system. That's awesome. That's what's key. Yours is the first time that it existed, that whole tier system. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, I just started my own Patreon. Yeah, and yours is popping off with the police. Doing good. That's awesome. Those police, they want those great, the uncensored stuff. Yeah, I just watch murder. He literally does. I just watch uncensored murder and talk about it. Yeah. And I have 25,000 patrons.
25,000 yeah, holy shit. You have 25,000 patrons now. Yeah, that's amazing 25,000 I'm sorry 23,000 23,000
I should show my butthole then. Do you? Butthole tier. 40,000. Butthole tier. I'll just show my butthole. Dude, 40,000 real quick then. Show your butthole while you talk about murders. Yes. This guy's getting blasted. Actually, you could film the same content, but from two ends. So you just are like, you have one camera here and you have a butthole camera.
No one's done that before. The lower tier gets the face cam and the higher tier gets the butthole cam. You have to level up. But then you can go back to the butthole camera for an extra amount. Jesus. And then you could do a third tier that's in your butthole. Like in your colon. Yeah, it's in there. Just seeing the fucking guts. Reacting. Guts reacts to. You have a little microphone there. So like.
Ah, worth it. You know there'd be at least one dude in the basement like, worth it. I'm glad I got the tier 5. That tier 5 is worth it. It never comes along. Tier 5, yes. It stops me from killing people.
Yeah, I heart kids. Laser dicks and kids. I heart kids. You put radio at the bottom so it's less weird, please. It's enough change so it's a less weird t-shirt. I heart kids radio. See? Way less pedo. I like that superhero costume. I like that.
On the Patreon thing, did you know that the guy who founded Patreon, Jack Conte, I think is how you say his name. C-O-N-T-E. He's a super fun musician. He does music with his wife, Pamplemousse, I think is how you say it. Are you making up words right now? Nope, I'm not. It sounds crazy. Oh, it does mean grapefruit, and I didn't know that either. It's French, right, for grapefruit. Pamplemousse? Pamplemousse or Pamplemousse, one of those. Grapefruit? And Conte's Mexican? Oh, okay. Yeah.
So we have Conti and Pamplemousse. But he does... They do these covers, and they're so fucking fun. He started it because he was like a musician trying to find a niche, and it's like he's actually...
You can't not smile and watch their stuff. It's a lot of these like funky covers, but he plays the keyboard with so much smiles and energy. It's like, you're like, this is crazy, but like, okay, I'm smiling too. And he's starting to, he's a happy little billionaire now. He's a happy bill. Yeah, exactly. He's playing his music and he still does. And he does, I think more music than ever now. So it's like, I would hire people to run Patreon. Yeah. When you have a B in your name, you have a lot more time for a lot of things. Yeah.
Yes. Music. What instrument do I want to learn and buy right now? Because you start at the top at that point. Yeah. God damn. Then you buy a Florida man. That's me buy a Florida man. Yeah, that's me buy a Florida man. Conti needs to buy a Florida man. I think this whole show is fun, but we may have peaked at Florida man doing the fucking training, doing the work supervisions.
It's so funny to me. This is the peak of this fucking episode. Okay, everyone. We're going to fucking... If you want to watch the next part, that's going to be it for unsubscribe. We're going to run 15 minutes or so. Fucking depending on Dan's time for the Patreon show. So come hang out if you want to. Dan, where can we find your stuff, you beautiful son of a bitch? You can find... If you just...
Oh my god. Man, you're nailing this. My name is Dan. I'm a MC. I'll do an Asian accent for you. Okay.
His name is Dan Cummings. Okay, you go look at D-A-N-C-U-M-M-I-N-G. Okay? Very funny committee. What? No G. There is no G. What the fuck is wrong with you? If you do Dan Cummings, you can find this stand-up or Time Suck or Scared to Death for the horror stories. Guys, I don't watch podcasts.
This is the only, I don't even, I've never listened to an episode of this podcast. I listened to almost all of his podcasts. So please watch Time Suck. It's fucking good. It really is a time suck.