51 - PAX Sucks ft. Brandon Herrera
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A collection of children's toys is coming along quite well. Nothing's changed in months. Thank you for noticing, Brandon. Literally since the last time you were here. I'm not used to sitting on this side, I don't think. You've always sat on that side. You're always sitting on that side. Are you guys gaslighting me right now? You're gaslighting yourself. I'm so confused. This is literally where the guests seat. Oh, it's because Eli's a c***. I'm a little...

Wait, actually you might be right. Wait, do you sit there now that I'm thinking about it? Do you say thought I was over there? No, I've always said yeah here beside bad Because now I'm actually confused because when we were talking about the dino stuff, I thought I had to look over Oh, wait, remember cuz I don't talk to baddie, right? I think I'm I'm really being gas lit here. Fuck No, I'm actually now gaslighting my own Because I'm like wait fuck Put it up. Wait now. I'm actually confused. Oh

No, bro. Every other guest is here, but I swear I looked over there for... Dude, maybe like one of the first ones we did here, it was different? God, maybe. It's racially ambiguous, baddie. That guy's fucking ridiculous. Donut.

It's harder to rhyme, but he's a really nice guy. Welcome to Unsubscribe. Hey, guys. Thanks for watching Unsubscribe podcast. Make sure wherever you're listening or watching, whether it's on YouTube, Castro, Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, Podbean, Stitcher, or...

That's all of them. Please leave a comment, like it, thumbs up it, give it a rating of five stars, whatever you do. It helps the podcast out immensely. And Donut and Eli will be very happy if you do that. And we want to make Donut and Eli happy today. Yeah. Five stars on everything and a comment if there is possible because we need to be at the top. Donut, say something motivating. Ready? That's not bad.

That's pretty good. Hey! Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Unsubscribe podcast. I am joined here today by Batty Streams, Eli DoubleFap, and Brandon Berberba. Just spill it all over you. This is the 13th reason, guys. Batty has so many 13 reasons. Setting the tone. That's how much you hate Batty. You just spill your drink immediately when you're here with her. You don't talk to her. You pour booze on her.

It's all downhill from here, folks. I mean, take that, Blake. So what's this? Is it too early to talk about what this Blake shit is? No, we're getting the fuck out of the way. Let's just talk about it. We're already shitting on bad guys.

It's fine! I love that he's like, I'm fine! I want to know the lore people build between you two. It's like, why does Donut hate Batty so much? Brandon, hi, welcome. Hi, hi. We got our OG host back, Brandon. What the fuck do you mean OG? Sorry, Brandon won. I'm gonna shit and piss everywhere. It's your house. That was always okay. That's fine. You could always do that.

Oh, my God. So, we...

We've been trying to be nice to baddie. No, we're nice to baddie. We had like two episodes of niceness. The one episode got like a thousand comments. It was all praise and baddie and they eat poop. I waited for the last one minute. I was like one in chat. If you want to fucking, if you love baddie, one in chat, if baddies a great human, one in comments, dah, dah, dah. And then the last thing I said was like, okay, one in chat. If you eat poop,

Left it at that. A lot of Amber Heard's in the comments there. Oh, man. That's been going on. So we had... I got a random DM. Yeah, it was like a DM on Instagram, I think, right? Yeah, it was a random DM on Instagram. God. Fucking...

huge fan of unsubscribe and he wanted me to fix his mortgage rate at the VA. I was like, fuck you. I was like, I love helping. But I was like, I do. Does this guy scream home loan mortgage banker right here? So he was like, but a huge fan of unsubscribe. Eli, you're my favorite. Donuts number two. And Blake is number three.

I was like, can you even get Patty's name? So there's never been a Blake on the history of this show. No. Blake, so we have Dave. There's never been a Dave! No, but I don't know how that auto-correct happened. Because he's been called Dave now. They're like, oh, huge fan of you, Cody and Dave. Now it's Blake. There was one Instagram post that was my favorite. They tagged you, they tagged me, they tagged unsubscribe. And they just wrote Dave on the podcast.

And then we got Brandon too. We had one the same day. We were sitting there at the fucking table talking about laughing about this Blake shit. And some guy DM'd, I think it was a comment on Unsub or something. It was like a new comment. And they're like, yeah, I love Eli Donut and Batty. And they spelled Batty wrong. How do you spell it? B-A-T-T-T-I-E. I'm like, really? Close enough. You can spell Donut Operator, but you can't spell Batty.

Fuck all of you! I mean, as far as percentage of letters, that's a passing grade. See?

That was so good! You have Dave banned in your fucking Twitch chat. Yeah, I've sort of banned it. If your name's Dave, fuck you. I don't like you automatically. Sorry, Dave. Braided to Dave Blake. I see you starting to get pissy about that on Twitter now. Just like, oh wow, such an original joke. I saw that. I was piss drunk, dude.

oh, well, really? Yeah, right? I was at PAX drunk as shit. I was like, some guy's like, look at Dave. I'm like,

Wow, man. Great joke. Never heard that one a thousand fucking times today. I feel this, honestly, as somebody who deals like, oh, we're AK-50. I'm like, it's on my wall at my shop. And then just watch the light drain from their eyes. They're like, I thought I had the best joke on the planet. I fucked up my one chance to meet this person and say the joke. It's not funny. I just picture Batty's like, my skin is made of animanium. Nothing will ever get under it.

One Brandon Dave joke. And it's just like, call me a fat piece of shit every day of the week. It won't ever bother me. Call me Dave one more motherfucking time. Because I see you put up with it in all the fucking comments and everything. I'm like, yeah, I feel that. And people think, like, they honest to God, I feel like they're just like, oh, this is so funny because ha ha, I know the thing. And like, they think we look at it like,

"Oh, you got it! You made the joke! That's awesome!" Reality, we're like, "Wow, this person's like, actually socially retarded." Okay, moving on. My three best friends say the funny joke. It's fine, they're my three best friends. Random person on the internet! Thousand times! In unrelated things. Yes! That's the thing that bothers me. It's like, okay, if we're doing like just something that's totally unrelated to that, and they just come in like, "Ha ha, that's a good one, Dave."

I'm gonna choke the fuck out of this person when I snap. Mine is, oh, you're taller than I thought you were. I was like, man, I can live with that joke. Everyone just thinks I'm like 4'2", because I'm 4'6", in real life. So when they see me, they're like, man, I thought you were so much shorter. You look like a 10-year-old, not a 12, 6-year-old.

He's growing up. But poor Batty. Poor Batty's the only one I'm like, man, those car months are rough. Just 13 reasons. Welcome to episode 51. Yeah, hey, 151. We had...

Fucking Matt character. Character. Character is what Nick can. We had the commolition on in episode 50. Ripped to that idea. We couldn't make. Did you ever see the shirt? I didn't see the shirt. He told me about it. Yeah.

Yeah, it was a good shirt. And then Matt was like, nah. I was like where you said that he shot it down because it had cum written on it. Well, it was his shirt font and everything. He just spray painted out the D-E and put cum. Was it I said earlier the... The globalists don't want you to know this, but you can write cum on any shirt you want. I have 458 cum shirts.

Which also, why the fuck is come subscribe the number one selling shirt? We all thought of that. Really, why? Where's that? Never mind. Why? Those are one-time uses, but keep buying. By all means, buy away. By all means. Before we released it, in our group text, I was like, guys, are you sure we should sell this shirt? You were like, yeah. I was like, yeah, it's a good joke shirt. Yeah, dude, it's a novelty. People will get it as a gift. And sure enough, it's still our number one top selling shirt. The...

Come subscribe. Wear it to therapy. Wear it to Sunday school. Wherever you'd like. Come subscribe. Wear it to pick up your child from school. Just come and do fun. Wear it to court. Wear it to court. The judge will love you. We're going to see John end up wearing one next time. Get them. They'll think it's ironic and quirky. You're not getting custody of your kids. Yeah. Your honor. If you listen to us, you work anyways. Might as well have fun on your way out.

Give that child the last thing he thought of you. For that one. It's a cum shirt. Son, I'm so sorry. I'll never see you again. Cum in doom font. Oh, God. See you when you're all grown up. I can't wait until we can be adult friends. Doom music kicks in. I just picture that's when you stand up. Do you have anything to say here? Doom music kicks in.

Oh, no. So that skit's coming soon. I'll see you later. It's an ad for our merch. See you later, kid. Enjoy the alimony. Mommy's going to spend it all. Your new dad, Steve's going to love it. Oh, Jesus Christ. So we did PAX. That's the first nerdy thing we're going to talk about in a long time. Brandon, you didn't go. I didn't know what was happening. I don't think. I mean, he bought his ticket a day before and then bought his ticket to go see his son's

birthday the day of let's just can we start with that can we start which one i'll just start with crash and we gotta start with crash because that's the best thing that happened at pax yeah no so yeah i uh i was gonna go to my son's birthday party but then i was like well i'm here it's on saturday i'm here on wednesday i kind of want to hang out with with eli and and

Batty and go to pack struggle. He struggled with your name I woke up that morning and I was like, I'm just gonna go to packs with the boys They got me a pass and everything So went out there and hung out with them for a day and that was super fun other than the enforcers But we'll get to that and then I was like, okay. Well, it's Friday It's time to go to my time to go and see my son's birthday party and so I get a plane ticket and I go to the airport and

And all the flights were canceled for inclement weather. Wedder. Wedder. Wedder. Wedder. Wedder. Why does anyone watch that? Welcome to an hour and a quarter of inside jokes. I was able to get to Chicago and flights got canceled. And so my brother-in-law just died.

big corny cornbread eating redneck dudes like hey man my net my buddy named crash can come pick you up in his plane from georgia i'm like okay really yeah man he'll get you and i like i i had no other option i wasn't crash okay that's his name name his legal name yeah crash smith

Are you actually being serious? No, I'm fucking with you. Okay, I was like, wait, I can't tell right now. I was like, wait, is this Nick? I was like, Brandon knows Crash, that's gangster. It's a very white name. This is my personal pilot, yes. Crash. Yeah, so they pull up.

And they drove four hours flew four hours from Georgia landed in Chicago and it's a single engine Propeller on the front plane like a fucking Cessna or so. Yeah, I was like a sense like the Red Baron fucking Red Flapping in the wind and they pull up to this private airport thing that I had been crashed in for a couple hours They're like, hey that little guy's out there for you. I'm like, oh fuck me. Oh

Yeah, we pile into that thing. And because we were going towards the wind all the way back down in Georgia, it took like seven hours in that little plane. Seven hours in a Cessna. And the thing's like, no, what? And so I'm trying to sleep because I didn't sleep much from us being at PAX.

And I woke up like every fucking three minutes because I thought we were crashing. It was gnarly, though. I made it. So our private flights are vastly different. It was my only option. I know. I know. You're good. I've seen that photo of you and it's just like in the back of the plane. I'm pretty sure they were fucking with me when I was sleeping and I was like,

In that photo, I don't know if you could put that up, but you straight up look like a fucking refugee. You do, you're like... Did they have booze for you? No. You drank beforehand, though. Oh, yeah. We drank in the lobby that morning. Yeah. Wind in and we drank that entire weekend.

Oh yeah, you guys were there for three days more. I was good with Pax after that first day. Not Boston. Boston was cool, but I was done with Pax after that first day. I used to live near Boston, so I was always going to Boston. And I love getting pissed drunk in Boston because it's a shit show. I race the Boston, and that's batty in general. I love getting pissed drunk.

Betty, you like two weeks ago, you were like, woke up in my bathroom. Water's everywhere. I'm not sure what happened. No, that wasn't my fault. But did you know it was your fault? No. So they redid all the plumbing in my house. Long story short. And they never replaced the filter from my well to my house. There was just no filter. So it was just pumping rocks and dirt into all the brand new plumbing. So there's water everywhere and somebody's shitting my pants. Yeah.

I wasn't wearing pants. I just like that text. You're like, I don't know what I was blacked out. It was just good stream though. But fuck, there's water everywhere. I fucked up something. And then like eight hours later, he was like, nevermind. Not my favorite part was you're like dry countertop, but there's water under things. I'm very confused. I was so drunk.

Well, at least you made it in one piece. I did it. Fucking, you got home. That's wild. I made it to John's birthday party. It was only like two hours after we landed, so I got to take a two-hour nap and then play in the sunlight with a bunch of kids with Nerf guns. It was rad, though. He had a good time. I just picture you punching the kids. Nerf a cack.

Nerf or nothing. You just put Nerf gloves on. Just decking little children. Those are just boxing gloves that you Sharpie Nerf on. It's not assault when you use a child's toy. Those are potatoes in a sack that just have Nerf written on them. Nerf or nothing. Nerf or nothing. Don't leave bruises. Mr. Garrett, you've locked in a socked a seven-year-old. That is why we're here today.

You're on a nerf or nothing. You're free to go. YouTube are free on jury nullification. Nerf or nothing. Jesus. Paxil's...

Pax Pax was Pax. It wasn't as bad as West. West was really, really bad, though. Pax West was fucking awful. I think they were still more lenient on the mask shit. West was way more lenient on the mask shit. Yeah, this is the first. That's weird. Bro, this was fucking like. For one, it was a while ago. Yeah, it was last year. And it was West Coast. Yeah. Last year? Really? It was October? Yeah, October. October 3rd.

And, uh, but yeah, they were, they were fucking nuts. Uh, the enforcers this year, which is weird. Cause you know, obviously there's a time and place mask, whatever. We're past that at this point, like airports, airplanes, nothing wins it literally last week, Wednesday of last week in Boston, both no masks. You walk in the waiting in line, nut to butt, no masks going through security in the entryway of packs. No masks. The moment you step on the con floor, uh,

Whistles are being blown. They got the fucking nerd squad waving flags and pointing in your direction being like, get that shit on, brother. I can't tell if you're joking. No, this is legit. They have shirts on that say Enforcer on the back. Me, Canyon, thought we were making a joke. So the Enforcer thing has been a thing for PAX for like...

Since PAX began. That's always been a thing, but they really took it to heart this year. That was my favorite part of SHOT Show is just watching the progression from day one to day two to day three of the enforcers where they're like, we're going to make sure everybody wears their mask at all times in the thing. And the first day, they were on it. Like, sir, wear your mask, wear your mask. And then halfway through the day, everybody's just like, yeah, I got one. Okay, cool. Fuck you. And then by day two, they were just like, would occasionally pick somebody out who was solo. Day three, they gave the fuck up. They didn't care. They're just like, nah.

Like standing there with a stack of masks just fucking dead eyes down the stairs. Didn't fuck with anybody. They're just like, they're here if you want them. Fuck it, man. We're at the wrong convention for this. I'm like, you guys do not do the whole know your audience thing.

And we got fucking... Ginger Vitis! Ginger Vitis! Put that over it just in case! Sorry, bud. But that's... It just started the moment. And then you had, like... They have Enforcer written on the back.

Me, Kenya, thought we were making a joke about like we were like the enforcers until the next day. He was like, I thought you like made up a cute name for him until I read the back of the shirt. And he says, enforcer. He's like Judge Dredd was your grandmother. Yeah. And it was they were cutting off the sleeves of their enforcers. You serious? They were nice. Oh, it was bad. Like started following us around and shit, too. Yeah, we get they gave us masks.

And then they like walked off and we're like, cool. And then they came up like five minutes. Guys, we just had this conversation. We just talked to you. We're going to have to start kicking people out if this happens again. We're like, bro, I don't often want to shove someone's head in a toilet. You're like, really? I'm going to find a locker and I'm going to put you in it. The image that you're putting in my head is like,

"Ooh, man, I might have to bully." I was like, "Exactly!" I was like, "Man, I'm like cool shit with people." I'm like, "Hey, just approach. If you gotta approach me, I'm sorry I'm doing it." Yeah, be cool. Yeah, like, "Hey, buddy, I'll get in trouble if you guys aren't wearing this." Like, just if you can put it on, I'd truly appreciate it. Just don't be a cunt. Don't be a cunt. Weird. Great advice to live by. Literally, it's my first rule. Don't be a cunt. Even when everybody was like real into the M.A.S.H. shit and I just didn't give a fuck, and I still don't give a fuck,

But if they were like, yo, dude, I know this sucks, but I'm doing my job here. I'd be like, all right, you know what? You're not being a douchebag. Sure, whatever. Yeah. There was no problems with that. The entire time I was like...

Figure it out. But like this one, Batty streamed. They isolated him and his computer. EK Fluid set up. They did like the PCs for the entirety of PAX, basically. So there's hundreds and hundreds of PCs they set up. So they set up a little secluded corner for me that nobody could go to.

I was alone there, like 10 feet, 20 feet, whatever, around me. Nobody else. And so I could just do a stream for EK Fluid at PAX, like gaming, whatever. So no mask. I'm at the computer. And these enforcers were just, they kept walking up. And we had one of the guys from EK, Dan, basically being like, hey, leave the dude alone. He's streaming. Get out of his camera. Because they kept being like, what?

What are you doing? Are you allowed to be streaming here? They kept me in fucking pieces of shit. They'd come up, man. I'd see them in my car behind me, all like gathering, looking, like pointing. See? That's where you got to turn their own game on and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're breaching my quarantine zone. I've got to compromise the meeting system. You've got to back the fuck up.

You, sir, you need to back out of this song. Bro, these guys, and eventually, I made it like 20 minutes before a group of them came over with, gotta wear the mask. And I was fucking pissed. I was like, we set up a space for me so I could stream for this event for the people who did all this. They're like, doesn't matter. Management says you gotta wear it.

Bring him down here. Bro. I need to speak to an adult, please. Yeah. And so I had my fucking mask on and then Eli and Hendo came by and they had their masks on. Another dude comes, just walks up for no reason. We're all sitting there wearing masks.

We got a problem with masks over here. I'm like, bro, I'm streaming. Fuck off. I started swearing at him and shit. Calling him cunts. On stream. Oh, yeah. I was mad. I was so mad. The old dude came over. He's like, I heard we got a problem with masks here. And Hendo's like, literally everyone's wearing one. What are we? What? I stood up to take a picture with somebody because I'd have fans and shit come up. Back up or I'll cough on you.

I'd get up and walk to the barrier so people couldn't come near me. So I'd take a picture with my mask on and shit. And while I'm doing this, these motherfuckers kept trying to walk on and see if I was streaming the fuck with my computer and shit. And it was like, get the fuck out of here, dude. What are you doing, man? Fuck these guys, dude. I was mad. I don't get mad often like that. That was weird to people. And you know, they got off on it so much that as soon as they got home, they would just watch the shit out of their wives. Oh, yeah. I don't get it.

Yeah, you take that. Yeah, you take that, you dirty. He's going to buy me a PlayStation later. Take it. Oh, my God. I might get a second Switch out of this. Which is why we should start our own convention called CumCon. Oh, no. I don't want those. I don't know. We're spitballing the name still. Weird, a bunch of naked dudes showed up and threw semen at us. I'm here for the orgy. Swallow falling.

There's a lot of dudes show up like I'm here for come oh I grossly misunderstood Yeah exactly. Asshole chaps. Oh I am at the wrong convention. Well it's still an open bar. I mean I'll stay but I'm a little disappointed. The crossover from that demographic to the people that would stay for the actual unsubscribed convention pretty high. Oh yeah. 60-40 bro. Oh you got Pokemon cards? Okay.

And you're talking about cum? I like where this is going. Where have you been all my life? I want to ask the chat question this time. Would you come to UnsubCon, a.k.a. CumCon? Would you arrive at and then come out? What are you going to do? One, if you want to come to... If you punch an enforcer, we'll laugh.

What are we going to have? We're volunteers to get punched. Assault is okay. I'm just thinking like the guy checking tickets up front. What are you, an enforcer? They told us we could do this. Yeah, episode 51.

Cody's staff casualty rate is like 80% we are not inciting violence at all I'm personally liable for 27 deaths uh oh as your attorney never say that on camera again

Oh, fuck. But the fucking... Oh, he doesn't know the other story. Which one? The fucking... The last night, Leon and everyone... So me, Leon, Tweek, you, and some other people are all at the bar at the hotel before we're going out to the last party. There's a pack of girls that walk down and then... Fuck!

Pack of girls walk down the... They're like... A pack. A pack. Yeah. A horde of girls. It's a horde. Oh, a horde. With a D. Yeah. A lot of D. Is that what it's called? I don't know. It's a horde. I just went up to a free pack. Yeah. Murder of Crows, a horde of women's... All right, now get some calm down. All right, all right. No!

Are we fucked up for making the joke, or are you fucked up for getting it? I just picture Mel Gibson's face slowly. He's superimposed over his face. You got the same salt and pepper beard thing going on. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. Totally fucked. Derailed. Wow.

Okay, so a pack of girls. A whole horde of girls. They keep walking out of the elevator to leave the thing. We're just closing up our bar tabs. And Leon's there and he's like, Hattie. And I just like, fucking like, eh. I just like wave because they were like, we all look. I'm like, oh, cool. And we all go back to our place. Yeah, so they all go back and I'm like, eh. Like do that. And one's like eyes and she's like, and she's fucking pulls her tits out. And then they're like, and they run off. I'm like,

Holy shit. And I turned back. No one seen it. Not a single. I was like, did you all not just see what happened? And they're like, what happened? I was like, wait, are you fucking with it? Like, is everyone fucking with me right now? There's like 10 of you right here. Yeah. And they're like, what? I was like, the blonde girl just fucking flash your tits. And they're like, wait, are you fucking? I was like, yeah, she literally was like.

Walked out the door. They were just like, and they're like, and then laughed. Every single fucking person was looking at their phone. And then Eli walks, follows them to the parking lot. Remember that time? We're basically on second base already. I was like, what the fuck? And all the guys are like, son of a bitch, I want to see titties. I was like, how'd y'all fucking...

I love titties man. God damn it. Maybe stare at women more, you know? Jesus Christ! Words of wisdom! Sigma Chad moves: stare at women in public. Alpha Chad moves: shadow boxing outside the battered women's shelter. Sir Dominance. They'll flash titties.

Just picture people doing that. We got canceled again. This is going to be called Canceled Part 4. Is this going to be the part where we go into the sponsor segment? Susan, that guy's outside practicing shadowboxing. Man, there's some fine-ass bitches.

Can't wait till the New York Times does a deep dive on our podcast. Oh, God. Racist or misogynistic? Why not both? More at six. Batty's the only one that gets canceled. A man named Dave. I'm good. Fuck it. Dave Blake. Dave Blake.

David Blake Is that like Thor's name or something like that? I thought it was But you know, that's what it actually is. Oh they named Thor Blake Blake

Wait, yeah. Thor maintained his Blake identity on Earth, continue blah blah blah. Yeah, Donald Blake. Oh, when he was his identity. Oh, he had a secret name. Yeah, and then like in the episode, like the first movie, Thor like- How did you know that? Where the fuck did this nerdum just come from? Yeah, I'm more amazed by this. I don't care about Donald Blake. I want to know where the fuck that nerd boner just popped out of. He's like, is it that Thor's name? I'm like, what? I was going to say like, I read. I don't, but yeah. Yeah.

I'm a nerd. That's why we do. From a movie that's 10 years old. Oh, yeah. Well, actually, in the first Thor movie, he did have, like, there was, like, an homage to that because he had, like, the hello, my name is, and it was Blake, like Dr. Blake. Oh.

God, look at Brandon's fucking guys. Shit, I guess you can replace me, okay? You got your chops, bro. I see it. I'm surprised. I'm hard right now. I don't feel so bad when I 13th reason myself. Then you take over. We got a good third co-host, guys. I'll feel bad. No, you won't. Yeah, no. The fucking... The memorial merch? Mm-mm. That's gonna hit hard, guys. You're welcome. Honestly, you're welcome. We should just kill him early. In loving memory of Dave. As we're strangling him actively, like...

Thank you. It's not even his face. It's a random face. It's some other ginger. It still has the lines from like Photo Filter or Photo Bucket. It's got the watermark. Yeah, the watermark lines are like as close as possible. You just googled ginger beard water bucket. Oh my God. And then the fucking, I was walking by a,

Overweight guy. Oh my god. With a fucking- An overweight guy in packs? Whaaa? I hate this story. So, overweight, redhead guy with long red hair. Shaved. And I'm like, I'm like, "Betty! Watch this!"

I already saw him and I turned I was already mad I was like, Batty, there he is I was like, Batty, it's you and he's like, what? I was like, watch this and then Donut walks by Donut's like 10 feet behind us and you see Donut's like, da-da-da he talks and he looks and he's like, Batty! Without missing a beat I was like

And Batty's just like, I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate all of you. We just saw him coming early and just got pissed off before anybody said anything. I was in the front because we were trying to find a booth and I was like, oh, I know where it is. I'll lead us there. I saw the guy. I'm like, they're going to say something. I hear Eli go, Batty! So I turn and I see Eli go, watch. And then immediately Cody, Batty!

I saw the two brain cells meet for both of them and I was so mad about it. It's like God reaching down to humanity. The two brain cells touch. Oh, fuck. Well, Hunter, speaking of PAX, Hunter thought we were playing with all that, but then he saw two of them high five. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. They like gave to the enforcers. Yeah. They gave the mask to Hunter.

Meat Canyon. Yeah, Meat Canyon. And they were like, put it on. And then they were like, they like gave it and they were like, uh. They turned around and started walking away and they high-fived each other for stopping the gingivitis. Literally, they were like, and then they were like, fuck yeah. You know they had like incentives in games to fucking get people those things, like 100%. I don't want to say what I'm thinking.

Don't. Cheers. Thank you for that. You guys are welcome. Out of all the shit I've said on this podcast, that's where I drew the line. Cody already got canceled for it. Yeah. I don't know. Different word, but if the shoe fits. It's a different Twitter now. I might go back.

The USS cancellation

Remember, I'm... Yeah, oh, this Shrek thing I sent to the chat? Allow us to introduce ourselves. No. What? It is... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, Mary Mary. Dude, I started laughing my ass off on that one. Oh, yeah, just to get a reaction. Watch this. It's gold. Oh, my God.

Oh man. We would get canceled so fast for a group chat. There was nothing bad in it at all. Nothing bad. Not a single gamer word.

Except for like controller and FPS and Nintendo No people got mad at me for saying gamer word so can we do gamer word now oh wait we can Never played modern warfare 2 and it shows

That's why I love when... Pretend that doesn't exist. They're like Germany, like five years after the war, you know? They're like, nothing happened! We have arrested from the internet!

It's just gone now. Never ask a woman her age. Never ask a man his salary. Never ask any German company what they were doing from 1939 to 1945. It's like we, modern warfare from 2000 to 2008, it happened, guys. It's a real thing. It stopped in 2008? People just started giving a shit like four years ago. Weren't they going to do VoIP Tesla?

I swear they were gonna do Void Tesla. Yeah, they were gonna do Void Tesla and then people, that's the face, that's why everyone's like, oh god, Modern Warfare 2. No, I'm happy about it. We could go troll people in the interstate? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, literally. You could project out with, you could just hit a button and then you could yell at other cars.

Just picture that and be like, man, we're going to... That's like truckers with their radios. We're going to mute this button. That button didn't work. The entire highway system becomes like a GTA VoIP server. Oh, God. Oh, my God. It's literally Modern Warfare 2 Counter-Strike 3. That time existed. Everyone was like, no, Dan, I was a perfect safe.

Fuck you. You're lying to yourself. I want to say, I want to call you a gamer word because you're denying you ever said gamer word. It was a different time. Shit was different. And if you didn't, you were lame. Okay, you're winning. You are winning. I will fucking die on that hill.

That's where I will make my final stand. It's fucking Brandon with Irojima. This is just a flag now. It's just a flag. And he's just like, yeah, everyone else is like... They're like...

We're like- I pulled it up with like one finger like, "I- I support you but- eeeh." Do you guys remember- We're on the other side like, "No." Do you remember when Xbox started doing voice messages? Yes. Like it went from like- 'Cause you used to get the bad- Oh god. "My dad lives at- works at Microsoft Tech" like text, but then they started letting you send voice chats to people in the- Yeah, here, play. It's like, "Let's just see- oh, oh!"

Oh, headsets off now. Oh, no. I had my very first. What's up? I was going to say, was that on 360 or the original Xbox? 360. Yeah, 360. Yeah. I had my very first gamer word Tarkov experience on VoIP. That had never happened to me before. I think I've had in like the hundreds of hours I've put in since I came out, maybe two bad interactions. And one wasn't even that bad. I had one where the guy was like going after. And you could tell he was doing it on purpose because his name was like.

Tarkov, like, Twitch 8 or some shit like that where it's like, okay. He's trying to be a piece of shit to people on stream, yeah. Yeah, he was, like, going after players as a scab or whatever and was, like, just...

Just shouting the Carlin words. You don't say kind of shit. Yeah vastly different experiences on the void That is Call of Duty when someone did dice cuz I hear all the time still to this day. Well, that's cuz like oh man They're very angry Team was very mad. Did you guys ever back in the day? if you had a 360 have the camera that came with it like the The motion. Oh the big ass thing. No, no, no that can Xbox one the canal. No the connect was Xbox one. Oh

Three, right? No, I think they had the Kinect on 360. There was the original Xbox camera. It was a little white camera. It was like this fucking big. I don't remember what game it originally came out for, but it was a small camera. It was the Xbox Live or whatever. It must have been one of those dance dance kind of things or whatever. But you could take pictures of my buddy when he would get annihilated in modern warfare games. He would send pictures of his balls to people. That's how he got his first fucking ban on Xbox Live. I don't do it.

I'll do it! I'll get you arrested too. Oh, did you see the- Here we're all minors, Cody! No, that's okay! Oh god! You get the other guy arrested because it's fucking child porn. He's like, "No, it's not mine! Shit! These little- These little kids teamed up and just sent me the dicks!" Just a group of kids. Shhhhhhut up! Gone forever. Did you see a Dankulous thing on Twitter where he said like, "Okay, so..."

Technically, Elon has bought Twitter. Okay? I have pictures of my balls floating around Twitter that are stored on their servers. Elon has bought the servers. Technically, Elon Musk has bought photos of my balls. It's a win-win. I follow this logic.

He's funny and his videos are really good, but I muted him because he kept posting pictures of his balls. And I would be in public looking through Twitter and be like, oh, there's Dankula's balls again. I missed the ball. The amount of fucking thoughts and whores I have muted on Twitter because I'd open it on stream and be like,

Can't do that anymore. Follow way too many girls. You guys go to, we probably talked about this before, but go to Twitter and search Batty in the search bar. You're welcome. Yeah. I've done that in public a lot of times on accident, trying to find Batty's Twitter. Oh God. Or if you're a minor, maybe you don't. Yeah. Thank you. Voice of reason.

Oh, God. Never mind. Do it. Bran is the voice of reason. That's when you know it's fucked up. Do it and show your parents. Mom, I was looking at our baddies on the internet and...

Never made it through law school. You make a good excuse, though. You'd be like, were you looking at baddie on the internet? It's like, yeah, it's my favorite streamer. It's what I'm here for. Streamer. The one that yells fuck all the time? Yeah. I'm just really cunt. But I didn't want to see these fat tits and ass. These pork chop pussies. Pork chop pussies. Oh, God. Dad, I didn't think I was gay, but after looking at that, I don't know if I ever want to step near one of those.

today what is today's fucking podcast son do you want me to pick up some arby's on the way home looks like a box of cow tongues hold on topics right now and we have things we had to talk about oh here cody you do it hi everyone sponsored outer rags water-based pomade they also have the donut operator cream

And you stop right there. Check out Outer Regs. Outerregs.com. Outerregs with a Z. A G. Batty's going to have a... Outerregz. There you go. And Batty's going to have a... Beard oil. A beard oil soon. Or beard pomade. You guys are going to do a competition. I don't know if you're going to do a competition. But we'll make it to Batty's scent.

Maybe you'll wear it once I just Don't did you just jerk off into a jar? Yes

Game of Wacom jar. That's what I'm saying. You know, I was going to tell you beforehand that I was wearing out of regs. Like right now, I've got out of regs in my hair. And then you made that joke, and now I just feel uncomfortable with it. I mean, it's not the first time you've had us come in your hair. No, it's not. It won't be the last. Nope. Usually that's how I style my beard. Breath mint. Hey, don't remember that time you caused 9-11?

Oh, we're talking about that again. Okay. What is that? You build a thousand bridges. Nobody calls you a bridge builder. You fuck one pig. Now, big fucker. You cause one 9-11 and all of a sudden... Here we are. Oh, yeah, Batty, you actually took notes for this episode? I mean, there was two. We got drunk and talked about things we wanted to talk about. Let's hear yours. It's called an ideation meeting. Which one? Come or...

9-11. Oh, I could have prevented 9-11. We've talked about that. Did we talk about that? Yeah, we said we didn't. Twice. Twice? Yeah. Do you guys drink when you record? No. Batty, how'd you get back from the hotel to the, or from the bar to the hotel one of those nights? So Batty got kind of drunk Saturday night. Saturday or Friday? Friday night. Friday night.

And I may have ended my night by taking three shots in rapid succession, like a real man. Oh, dear. And that third shot was like my soul left my body. It was like pop pop pop.

It's gone. The light from my eyes had left. It's the Toy Story gift. So long, partner. Hendo said he just seen Batty at his room trying to open the door. Batty's like, he dropped the card and then he's just like swiping nothing. I was swiping my hand at my door.

He said you need enter the elevator badges like this just the head on the wall We did a lot of shots that night I woke up and everyone was like fucking hungover cuz I didn't do that minute like I did - I did like 11

Yeah, EK went hard that night. And I was like, da-da-da. I was like, man, everyone looks super rough at the booth. And they're like, yeah, everyone drank like 18 shots. I was like... See, I can drink doubles all fucking night and not get hammered. Like, I'll get drunk. Like, I'll get like a little buzzed or whatever. But I won't be like bad decisions. Like...

no eye contact on the street drunk. But you start introducing shots of the equation, like that's dangerous. It's like, it's something my night turns into an etch-a-sketch like you're playing. I got the whole thing sketched out. I'm like, it's gone. Then you go to the bathroom and go like, oh man, I'm kind of drunk. And then go right back out there and just keep doing it. But you do this. You walk in the bathroom and you look at yourself in the mirror like, yeah, you got this. You do the, that's fuck me. Yeah. Keep it together. You're fucking looking so cool right now.

My pants are so 200 feet no go we have Cody potty time also

Oh no. I'll tell my story if you tell yours. So the bar was like 200 feet from the hotel. It was literally across the fucking street. And somehow from the bar to my hotel room. Literally across the street. I lost my debit card. As well as like three hours of time and space. What?

So I woke up the next morning, butt-ass naked in my hotel room. Pants were hanging off the doorknob. Shirt was in the shower. The clothes were in your hotel room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Inside, inside. And for two days at PAX, I didn't have any money. So my debit card, I shouldn't say that. I had Apple Pay on my phone. That was it. So I was like afraid to cancel my card because my business account had been hacked and I had lost like a week and a half earlier. So I was waiting for that card to come in. And then my personal card.

Was gone. So I'm sitting here like every 20 minutes, like looking at my bank out like, okay, nobody has it yet. Okay. Nobody has it. Cause I was like, I'm in fucking Boston. I have no way to pay for anything. So my, and I was like, Oh bad. It's a hundred percent. You're going to find it right before you leave. When you pack all your stuff, he's like, no problem. That's

It was like five minutes before or like an hour before we were getting ready to leave for the airport I go back to the bar my hey guys you have my card cuz I'd already been by the day before me like yeah my God's like we don't have it We'll take your info and we'll call you if we find it I went back one last time trying to talk to the actual bartender that I was there with We don't have it, but another news they refunded my entire charges off my card for the night. They're like hey Sorry, you lost your card

Sorry you're a drunk idiot. We'll refund you? I wasn't rude. I wasn't mean. I was like, I get it. It's cool. Don't worry about it. Okay, we'll just refund you everything because they saw that. You're like, stop. You might want to count how much that was for before you offer that. So I went back to my hotel room and started packing my suitcase. I had grabbed the shirt I was wearing, which was just like a regular black shirt, and I said hentai on it because I'm a degenerate. And in the front pocket of the shirt, like it was like a shirt with like a little tiny pocket. Found my debit card.

I love drunk baddie- FREE DRINKS! I love drunk baddie was like "THANK YOU!" That's exactly what I did! You just put it in your little pocket! This is a group please for it. Gonna open my door now. Got my card back and a free bar to have. Meanwhile he's swiping his debit card at the door trying to get into his room. Oh my god. Okay Cody, so you had a flight. You tell your story, I'll tell mine. You know this story? I've got one. Okay, you got a story too? From a few days ago.

All of us have storage? I don't! That's actually the most surprising. Out of all of us, that is the most surprising. I was... Before my flight, I went to our favorite brunch place. How old are you? I'm 34 years old. Okay, Matt, let's go. First time... Hold on, this is the first time this happened in my adult life since I was...

19 years old right when I joined the Navy and I can tell you that story too because I remembered it when we were talking about water everywhere and shitting in a bathtub. So, 34, I go by our favorite brunch place and I ordered... Why were you talking about shitting in a bathtub? I'll tell you about that one. Daddy's saying he woke up and there's water all on the floor and everything. I got a story like that because I was trying to remember the last time that I shit myself. Way to ruin the punchline. 19...

I went to my favorite brunch place. Our favorite brunch place, which isn't even that good in the first place. I just need to have food before the airport. And I get bacon, eggs, toast, and eggs. Got like a bunch of this yellow oil, whatever they use on it. And I'm like, all right, well, I probably shouldn't eat that, but I need to get to the airport. Get to the airport. Good. Hanging out. Haven't drank at all. And I'm like, I'm going to pee like two minutes before the plane takes off. I'm just going to pee real quick. There's a long line. And I fart. I fart.

I'm like, that didn't... Something's wrong. Something's wrong. Something's wrong. Oh, no! And I shit myself. What'd you do? So the janitor was waiting in the bathroom, like, actively watching the stall. Oh, no. So I was like, I can't throw my pants away. And so I was like, I'm a grown man. This is the worst thing I've ever gone through. Oh!

The Holocaust was pretty bad, but at least you never shoot yourself in an airport. That's your place! That's their boarding! But they start going over the intercom. That makes it more comparable, okay. Well, they start going over the intercom, 'cause I'm like trying to figure out what to do, and like, fortunately I had baby wipes, so I was like trying to clean up and stuff, and on the intercom it's like, "Cody Garrett! Your flight!" And I'm like, "Oh no, oh no, oh no, I'm trying to get done as fast as possible," and I'm like,

oh no, I got shitty pants and underwear. They're on the air con. Pitch it off, Cody! And then, but the little guy that has to clean the bathroom was still sitting right there. And I was like, God, I don't want to carry my shitty pants to the trash bag and throw them away. And I just kind of pushed them to the side. What?

That is so much worse. I'm pretty sure you did it with your feet, too. I kind of rolled it up to where there's no poo showing. The guy's going to know. The guy has gloves on. He's going to know. That's just a landmine. He's going to be like, that's shitty. It's an IED problem.

IEDs in an airport. Way to go, Cody. Yeah, and then I sprinted into the plane and I got to Boston. You know, that one's pretty bad. Never mind. My severity is not even... My jaw hurts. Holy shit, I died from that one. Because I remember you were texting me about it. You were like, bro, I just shit my fucking pants. Or no, you were like, we don't need to go back to eggs ever again.

He said, after that, I'm like, well, at least now you look and smell like a homeless person. I just like your brain was just like looking at a guy there. He'll respect this more. Like that dude would have been so much more happy. You walk out, you salute him. He's gone.

It totally wasn't my underwear that shit in. You just- Dude, you just walk in. You walk out. You're a good man, Theon. You just tip him. Here's the 20. Christ, I'm sorry. See, my poop story is fucking- I just remember getting shit wrecked at the- There was a bar that was across the street from my condo in LA. Like, fucking fantastic whiskey bar. Eli, how old were you? 30. I was younger than him. Okay.

This is the only time this has ever happened in my life. I tried to help you out. Thank you. But the bartender, anytime I was a regular there and they were super nice, I tipped well. So anytime I'd get a drink, they would offer me a shot or two shots for free. They'd be like, boom. And then immediately, Tiga, I still talk to Tiga, the bartender. He's like, bro, how you doing? I'm like, fucking what's up? He's like, oh, fucking did a drink. Instantly, he poured one out and he poured one for himself and me because they were allowed to drink there with their guests. And so I was like...

Drank way too much. Way fucking too much. I remember leaving. I remember walking home and then I woke up on my toilet. I just woke up on my toilet. I was like, oh, and I'm covered in shit. I'm like, oh, what happened? Why is poop on me? I was like, oh, shit.

My hands. Autistic hands. I know. And I was, I look over and the toilet paper just has shit on. I was like, how the fuck did I miss this? Where am I? Why am I poop everywhere? Who shit my pants? Who shit my pants? So I'm just covered and my pants are cut. I'm just covered in shit.

And I have no shirt on. You don't have the emergency wipe. The shirt. And I'm just like, oh, no. What's my bed look like? That's all I can think of. I was like, if I look like this.

Poor room out there. It was like, oh, the rest of the house. So it's four in the morning. So I'm, I'm fucking still drunk as shit. Thankfully that bathroom was like all hardwood or a tile. So I was like, well, just like hardwood. That's not good. I'm doing, and I didn't have baby wipes at that time. It was like one of the times I didn't have baby wipes. So I'm like fucking like shoveling shit together with shitty toilet paper and throwing it in the toilet and then washing myself off. And I just burnt the pants. Oh,

And I just remember standing in that water and looking down, disappointed in myself. Brown shit's running down. I'm like, this is a low life. This is a low time in my life. I was just thinking, like, if you burn it, I'm like, God, the smell of fucking burning shit in L.A. Oh, wait, hold on. Yeah. That's L.A. And then I'm like, oh, here it comes. Like, open the bathroom doors like this poor bed. Pristine. I was like.

I didn't even go like, I like, I fell asleep, woke up. It was like, I need to poop. And apparently I was like upside down. Just like, that's how I shit. You were the guy in the gas station back then. Fuck my life. That's the only time I've done it. And it's the worst. Like just shit.

And y'all made fun of me for waking up piss drunk and my bathroom was covered in water. Fuck you. Dear God. What's your poop story? It's nothing compared to either of those now that I think about it. I was just thinking me and Cody got fucking poisoned because I remember thinking it was fucking hilarious when you texted me about that. And then it was three, two, three days later.

It was the same fucking thing where I like I just like went to fucking brunch with my family, God forbid. And yeah, no, it's just that that same thing where I fucking, you know, 26. This has never fucking happened my entire adult life. I like I laugh. I'm like, oh, Cody's getting old, whatever. And then immediately after you make fun of the karma shit, it was a karma shit because it was the same thing. Like you trust a fart and then all of a sudden it's like, you know, you feel like a fart kind of like just pop up.

Like there was no pop. And it was like, oh no, excuse me one moment. Yeah. Go to the bathroom. Thank God. Like it was like after hearing the story, nowhere in the same plane. Like it was just like just a little, just a tiny, tiny bit where it was like, okay, I'm good. I can drive home. This is good. That was a warning. I think a warning from God. Hey, maybe shut the fuck up and stop making fun of your friends. Yeah. Usually you get the like.

And you're like, uh-oh, that last part. No, it was nothing. It was just like there was no any texture to it at all. It was just kind of like... Grease? Yeah. It was like, oh. And I had to go upstairs. It was at the boiler room or the Pearl. So I had to go up the stairs for the restroom. Up the stairs with shit. Brandon looks jacked. At that moment, you don't know how bad it is.

You're panicking. And you can't ask anyone. So you're just like, okay, until I can do like a systems check here, I'm just going to assume my pants are currently full of shit. Thankfully, they were not, but it was terrifying. I haven't shit myself as an adult yet, and I'm so terrified right now because I'm... What's the last time you shit yourself? As an adult? I mean, as a kid, I'm sure I did. It's due. This is like a final destination shit. Every time I've gotten food poisoning, it's only been...

me vomiting profusely everywhere with like a little bit of shit maybe at the end of it but like I was already in the bathroom so well the problem is with this like at least for me probably for you you feel fine like there's not like I wasn't drinking like I was just totally good and then all of a sudden it's just like oh no

Yeah, it's already happened. Like you don't feel bad. Like I didn't feel bad. Yeah. No, I shit myself. I'm laughing at my friends. Dude, I haven't done it in 15 years. So I was pretty proud of myself. Yeah. What was the, uh, the bathtub story? Oh, 2009 SEC championship, Alabama one. Jesus Christ. Yeah. No, no. I remember this one because me and my stepdad sat and we drank a yingling black and tans all night.

And then I had this shitty little apartment It was like my first year in the Navy and it was the first year that Nick Saban played for our he was coaching for Alabama and so we were super excited because we're both big Alabama fans and we got hammered and I remember going home and I don't remember getting in the bathtub, but I woke up in the bathtub and There was shit everywhere and the water was overflowing into the floor. Oh, it had flooded almost the entire apartment. I

Yeah. Poop was floating around. Yeah, there's poop just floating everywhere. I'm just imagining if this is a comedy movie, you're woken up by a turd floating. Because I was almost drowning and I woke up and was like,

i'm 19 at the time oh no my first apartment ever by myself and you've annihilated it i just annihilated it by deposit but but this is the weird thing we try to clean it up as best as possible put towels down i cleaned up all my shit the next day a pipe burst on the hot water heater and flooded the entire apartment that same day it was like serendipitous it was insane and i didn't have to pay for anything i was just like oh no it

Oh no, a pipe burst. I totally didn't fall asleep and shit everywhere. Why is there shit here? It seemed to have overflowed the toilets too. It's crazy. Weird. Jesus Christ. Hot water pipe burst and pipe just hot shit water into my apartment. I hate when my hot shit water gets everywhere. You know, you probably could have even just used that line in the flooding in general if you just broke a pipe and they would have just gone with it. Yeah, probably. I mean,

I'm not teaching anyone out there how to sabotage your landlord's shit, but... But between 19 and 34, I didn't shit myself. Did you just look at the turds floating around and be like, oh, no, I fucked up? I must have had a good diet then, because they were just like solid floaty turds. Yeah, poking you. It's like that... Not now, Uncle Kevin. Like the don't look up meme, where it's like, I've slept with three presidents, you know, I own these paintings, whatever, what have you done? I didn't shit myself between the age of 19 and 34. LAUGHTER

My streak must be it's going good right now. Oh, man. I'm real proud of myself. You gotta tell us when it happens I am so excited to tell the story when I know announcer to do it like double kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill

Pissed drunk? You've never fucking pissed yourself? No. No, I've never. There you go. I have way more control. The poop is a hard one. You can fart and it can slide out. Pee, you know when you're peeing. You say that like it's happened a lot. Okay. I'm going to poop myself. I'll add to the story. Welcome to our gaming podcast. Did we say a single other than gamer word? Is there anything game related in this entire podcast? Taxis.

You know what reminds me of Paxies? Shitting yourself. Batty, you peed yourself? So I actually had a time in my life, it was twice, that I got very drunk. And instead of getting up to go to the bathroom, to a toilet like a normal person, I got up and I just pissed all over my curtains.

Your curtains both times? Yeah, long curtains. You don't have to explain long or short. No, they were part of the story. The length of the curtains was not the determining factor. Two different houses. Not the determining factor of this story. The curtain, you pissed on the curtains twice. Two times. Two times I've pissed on the curtains. What made you like... I don't know. I was very drunk and woke up the next day to a very unhappy ex-wife. Oh, that was that one. Ex-wives usually are an ex-wife.

Weird you're divorced. I only peed on two sets of curtains, babe. Why are you leaving me? This is ten years! I'm joking, man. There's ten years? I'm going to assume there was a little more to it than that. But who knows? It's not bad. Ten years, two curtains pissed on. They weren't even nice curtains. Dude, my curtain pissing streak is fantastic. It's almost as good as your not shitting yourself streak.

I've never pissed on curtains. I've pissed on curtains twice. I've had friends like, oh, fuck, what was the name? One of our buddies in the military, that's what he was notorious for. It's like if he got blackout shit face, he would just stand up. Fuck, who was the name? Was it Garasek?

Yeah, let's out this man real quick. Yeah, real quick. Thank you. Ruin his life. No, it's something. It's his last name. He'll live. Smith. And then he's done it twice. It was he got pissed drunk, and then he woke up our buddy peeing on them. Oh, no. Yeah, he's just like, and they're like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like.

There's a lot of toilet. Why is the toilet a yelling bag? He walks back with his pants down and just falls asleep. And then we have one buddy that peed in closets. I knew a chick that peed in closets. I have actually heard of dudes that peed in closets too. Yeah, in my adult life I've never peed anywhere I didn't intend to. I've never done it, but I've heard of stories of people. Some people have closets. Curtains. Couches.

Never pissed on a chick. Yet. Yet. You're only 26. There's time to piss. There's a time to piss. There's a time to piss. There's a time to kill that movie. There's a time to piss. You gotta know when to hold them, know when to hold them. Oh, this podcast is fucking... Know when to walk away, know when to piss.

The closet thing is apparently a normal shit apparently fucking Maybe I couldn't get to the closet and the curtains were the next step In barracks rooms the bathroom a lot of times is right across from the closet

Easy mistake. In a lot of barracks rooms I've been in. Well, I mean, when you're hammered drunk, I think. That can make sense. You just, you think you're getting to the urinal and boy, oh boy, them white curtains. Curtains don't make sense, Patty. Not once have I walked to a urinal and be like, ugh, move this curtain out the way. Why do you move the curtains? No, I know, but usually it's,

There's a reason your eye- your brain is- Who covered the urinal? The reason was I was fucking blackout drunk, brother. Maybe your brain was attracted to the light and that's just like a mom. He's a mom. He's like, "I piss here now." This is- this is my bathroom for sure. What color were both sets occurring? I do not remember at all. Yellow. I-

Watch it now. What led up to you? Like, were you just, is it night of drinking? To be honest, I don't remember. What is the cleaning process like of a curtain that you have pitched on? And the carpet or whatever beneath it is just. I mean, carpets are easy enough to clean up.

To be honest, I don't think there was carpeting. I think it was hard. Most of my apartments have been. I don't know if that's better or worse because then you could see the just volume of the piss. All I know is both times my ex-wife awoke as I was pissing on the curtains, so I didn't sit. Wait, so you did it in the bathroom or the bedroom each time? Yeah, yeah, bedroom curtains. I got out of bed to go piss and made it to the curtains. Do you remember her yelling at you? No, I got nothing until the next morning. She was very disappointed.

That's a common theme for my marriage. She gets to watch this. Very disappointed. She's watching this unfold at 2 a.m., looks at her finger, sees a ring on it, and be like, I married this. I signed up for this. We're being mean to Batty again. For the views. I think you're handsome and people piss sometimes. Sometimes you shit, sometimes you piss.

Not always in the bathroom. Thank God. Because that is the born to shit force to wipe. I don't need to wipe anymore, though. Wait, why? Oh, yeah, you got the bidet, bro. I got a bidet. And boy, oh, boy.

What's it- what pressure setting are you on right now? Oh, I straight up- I sat down. So first of all, I'm kinda like a nice one. What's it like for Poseidon to finger your butthole? I would let him do it every day of the week. Okay. As a matter of fact, I'm going to let him do it every day of the week going forward. I'm glad this relationship is going well for you. When you have it on the highest setting, it doesn't spray poo anywhere? It just- Nothing. It-

On a scale of like fountain to pressure washer. What are we looking at? So no joke. I don't remember who said it in my chat. Cause I've had this thing for a minute now, but I haven't been looking up cause my house piping is all fucked up and I didn't want to destroy my brand new, slightly expensive bidet. Cause I bought a nice one too. And I was like, if I'm going to treat my butthole, I'm going to treat it. Honestly, the worst thing in the world I can imagine is a cheap bidet. Yeah. But it's got a heated seat, heated water.

That's nice. Yeah. Does it have the music settings? No, it doesn't have music. I think it goes to water. Like it goes, it just colors the water. Let me just put on Linkin Park real quick. I read it as one of my, I remember, I think it was chat. Somebody, I was talking about how I had a day and they're like, yo, when I got mine, I put on the highest setting first and it was a mistake. So I was like, all right.

Daddy raised no pussy strong Cheers I'm a fan You hear Betty flush then all of a sudden It's like

So do you use it like, now I'm curious about how the other half lives in Europe, I suppose. How do you pee? He uses it. Toilet, well, that's. I'm sat down peeing. Is it like in tandem with toilet paper or just like what? No, you don't have to touch toilet paper after you use it. Yeah, it's super weird. So I've heard a lot of people say about bidets that sometimes you still need to wipe after because you're a little wet, you're drippy. Sometimes the blow dryer doesn't work. This motherfucker dried my ass off, bro.

It was like the first time you wipe a little bit. Just a check. No, I didn't. Oh, that's like a verification system. I just picture. I also I picture a wind tunnel like skydiving. Let's go. And you sit back down. What the fuck just happened?

The first time I used it you have to like adjust the settings so there was like like I made a funny tweet I was like I just blasted my ass for 10 minutes I legit was just like a judge cuz it's got a nozzle and you want to make sure it's oh, yeah You got a name I wanted one of those like connect things where it's just like just tracks and like Auto like the API determines where my butthole is at any point that I can like move brown I confirmed Like the Terminator vision

Clean button, but it's also got a front clean button. Oh no. Oh, yeah for my My balls got wet. Why'd you try that's for vagina? If you got it Last no no no it's got rear then it's got strong

Fuck is that strong is the pressure washer the end, but that's the good good. That's the good good man even more So it's just warm water warm seat. It hits the back, but not the front, but just the front The strong button is like after you shit yourself and you need to really get a full Do you mind if I shit in your house like at some point absolutely you can I

Oh, God, we're sharing bidets. That sounds super intimate. That's not the weirdest thing we've ever done. Forget the bidet. A heated toilet seat? Normally, you've got to go to a public restroom for that. Oh, I hate it. It's still funny. I hate it. They don't know I made that joke before. It's still funny. It's okay to fucking call me out like that. I hate it. They're nice, though. The fucking bidet is fucking...

Never use one. No, I will. I managed to install it myself without that much water. We can take a break right now. You can go shit. You can talk about it. We asked the question of like sitting or standing when wiping and someone was like, you savages, you still wipe? It's like, oh yeah. But that fucking 70, 30. Oh yeah. It was ended up being like, yeah, ended up being 70, 30.

Out of 30,000 votes. People stand up and wipe. And Brandon's like, yeah. 70%. You stand up and wipe? I do. It's called having claws. We found it. That works. Yeah, yeah. What? I don't know when it switched over. I used to sit and wipe. Now it's just like, I've got the quad strength. Who cares? Your cheeks go like. No. Do you? What? No, you don't use your hand. What the fuck? I'm just. What do you think? He's on all fours. He's like. No.

You don't expect me to lean? Okay, no, let me preface. You don't stand stand. You just kind of like lightly get off the seat. Potty squat? Yeah, just like raise yourself off the seat so you got more operating space. You don't stand up and then just like... You don't leave like one cheek on? How the fuck do you guys do it? You leave one cheek on and you lean? You lean. Like this. I don't know. So you can still sit.

Brandon feels weird. I thought you were fucking me. Like, you do the lean? I mean, that's pretty close. 70-30, 75-12. You're still a savage if you stand, like, all the way up. You T-pose.

That's fucking weird. That's not how my body is supposed to be. You just squeeze, you stand up, you squeeze your cheeks and you squeeze the poo out. You just wipe the edge and you're good. You do enough squats, you can just get self-cleaning organ. What are we calling this episode? Who lays down and wipes? I don't know what we're calling this episode. Baby poops? We all poop. Every time. If everybody poops. If everyone, everybody poops. Oh no.

Pax was fun though. Pax was fun. By the time we all laid in the bed together drunk. Yeah, me too. Good. Can we do that clip up right there? I never threw you in my pants. I just picture like if any of us run for, who was the one? Just any representative of gun government position and they're like, look at what these dudes did. And we're like, oh, I would love that. Yeah, that's our day to day. It's me with, it's us three with purple light in a bed going three best friends. They might kiss. Yeah.

Everyone does that. The politicians just don't want to say so. Well, at least we do it with people who are over 18, unlike the politicians. Can't wait till you suicide yourself later. Well, maybe time to move on to a new segment before I end up hanging from a ceiling fan. Brendan just fucking 13 breathing himself. We'll end it with actual video games. Are you playing anything other than Tarkov? I actually seen you were playing

I think you said you were playing video games. I forget. Or you tweeted it, maybe. What was it? Tarkov. Yeah, I was playing Tarkov. I was like, that's the only game you play. Yeah, I was playing Tarkov. I've given up on Halo Infinite. And I've been told that the story is not really there. You don't spoil Halo Infinite. They didn't really do anything. There's no exploring. It gets empty. You're like, it looks super...

'Cause you probably had a blast, like, repelling and like- Yeah dude, like first like, three, four hours I was fucking into it. I'm like, "This is the best Halo ever!" And then I just got fucking bored and left. 'Cause you explore and you're like, "There's- there it is." Unlike Elden Rings, which is like a world that you get to explore- Trash game. Did you call Elden Rings a trash game? There's our engagement.

You're welcome. If you wonder why we... It's not my podcast. It's actually your podcast. It's like our podcast, buddy. We share this role. We're both like two dads. One in chat if you hate Dave. Two in chat if you hate Blake.

12. It's just 12. Isn't the wipe coming? Or the wipe was supposed to come? Or like, I don't know. Probably the next two months. Do they stand or sit? Nikita, Nikita, stand or sit? Well, it's like, keep fucking that. Halo, I gave up on that. I haven't beat it. I just like made it. Fuck.

a few hours in. And then I was like, Oh, exploring doesn't reward me at fucking all. It's like dumb ass missions or you find those radio things. And then it's like, find the radio thing. And they were like,

Wait, so what I would love in Halo is if they had like, if you could get guns, like cool ass guns, right? Like the rocket launchers, the like big fucking one shot weapons and store them somewhere because you can only hold two guns. Yeah. Like a stash. Like an open world game where you can only hold two weapons ever. Yeah. It's kind of stupid. Well, the Halo is just Far Cry in space, but worse. Well, the new one is. Yeah. Yeah. The new one. Yeah. Yeah. The new one. Yeah. Yeah.

The mobility on that grappling hook is like one of the funnest thing like you get to explore that world is just fucking empty and the ability to throw shit at people is so cool. Oh, like throw in those basically fuel bombs or whatever the fuck. Yes, and you can fucking grab the shit, chuck it and you're like, oh, this is fucking dope. And then it just so don't wear backpack guys. Stop it. You can't store stuff. Oh, yeah. I just like stick it in the Pelican or some shit. Like, I don't know. Didn't Battlefield blame Halo for its failure? Yeah. And then Halo failed.

I don't know if Halo failed. It just wasn't. I don't know if it was as good as we wanted it to be. Yeah. I don't think I've heard anything about Halo since the month it came out. I think everybody got bored. Like, it was cool. And then it was like, oh. If you get bored of a game in the first two months. But not Battlefield. So Halo was like, hey, story with some multiplayer. Multiplayer did okay. It wasn't Battlefield bad. Battlefield's the only game that was like, here's a fucking AAA game that has 1,500 online players at any given time.

But Niko was in the top 10. Yeah, out of 1500. I was like, oh, poor Niko. Yeah, the top 1%. But it's fucking insane. Still, I mean, Battlefield fucking died. And there was no new games at PAX. PAX was just a fucking, like, other than EK. Larian Studios had a crazy booth. Larian Studios, they do Dragon Age, Divinity, Divinity 2, Original Sin, Larian.

RPGs Baldur's Gate they do Baldur's Gate they were the ones with the Boulder Gate yeah they had the big castle or whatever they had a legit one they showed up they really did they had probably the most poppin booth other than Intel at all of PAX oh and then Cody bought a magic card go oh my god it's in my wallet stop it I was like Batty what'd you buy you bought a shit ton of something I bought so many old magic cards so many magic cards thank god I lost my debit card for two days thank god

I got a magic card. It's a $100 magic card. Yeah, where'd you pull it out of? My wallet. Where's your wallet usually, Cody? I sit on it. Show. Fluck. You're not going to be able to see it probably, but it's the Lake of the Dead. Let me see it. I'll hold that bitch up. This is his. It still has the $100 magic card.

That is reminding me. I haven't seen like even playing cards like up close in a long time I used to do that yugioh when I was like you know it was my shit when I was a kid brother like 97 This is an old magic card shit. It was my favorite one growing up. I remember that art and now it's my lucky Stop it. I told you I offered trade it for you. Yeah, but it's your favorite card I'm not gonna. I'm not no matter how much I want to protect that card from your ass cheek. I

And then Cody was a true friend. What did he buy you? A $200 pack of Magic cards. It was one of the original Tempest packs, which, by the way, I opened. The best card was like $4. Yeah, it was a bug bag. I tried. Best investment ever.

You know what's to say this? We did open it at Hot Pot though. It's better than investing in Netflix right now. Oh god yeah. I don't know man. What's to say like a lot of these little car dealers don't like you know cut it open carefully and like boop boop boop. I mean you just peel the top slide it and reclue it. It wouldn't be hard. It's a huge problem in Magic and Pokemon right now. Re-sealing.

They just take out like the good cards put in a real shitty card like it's a huge thing. Is that a- All you have to spend is like $100 on equipment and then you fucking can do that all day long. There's no reason you can't do that like at home. Yourself. Yourself. I'm sure there's YouTube videos linked in below. Don't do that. You guys did. Yeah. But he's like how do we- Chaotic evil. Ha ha ha.

Which we need to start doing D&D. Oh my god, I thought you were going to say we need to start fucking resealing. How does Batty keep his house from the art? Well, this story next. I stopped stealing from the government and started stealing from you guys. Okay, Batty. Close us out. Thank you for watching the Unuscribed Podcast. As always, we have Donut Pop Writer, Eli Double Fab.

And my other half, Brandon. One. Thanks for... Brandon one. Fuck off. Thanks for watching! Go follow the socials, do the ratings, all that stuff shit. Cock, I hate you.

And it's done. Oh, deep throat. I hate our podcast so much. I actually fucking unfuckled my belt for that joke on accident. Wait, what? When I stood up like, oh, yeah, I didn't notice it until two minutes ago. I was like, oh, shit.