190 - Cristina Mariani Talks Kill Tony, Joe Rogan’s Comedy Mothership & Theo Von | Unsubscribe Podcast Ep 190
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Welcome to the podcast. Do people ever jump off of mountains to themselves? Look at me. Yeah. PTSD. Move on. My little brother's gay, but we grew up Catholic, so he got lucky. Okay, we're good. Oh, yeah. We're doing a shot first. Just out the gate going hard. Dear God. I know. Well.

It was nice knowing a gentleman and lady for once on the Uncensored Podcast. Everyone calm down up there. It's a grill. Everyone turns it off. Okay, that wasn't bad tequila. That was good whiskey. That was great. Did we even have good whiskey here? I think I brought some. No, Ryan brought a bunch of whiskey to my skate shop. Like really nice whiskey. That's really cool.

Oh, that's cool. That's really cool. It wasn't Ryan. It was a fan sent it to Ryan to drink on the podcast. We just didn't get it until a day later. Well, that's really nice. Okay, nice. Thank you, fan. Thank you, fan. That's his name. Dude, it took... Okay, it took... I think we watched your set in SHOT Show of January, right?

And that's where we set that up. It's like, man, you should come on the podcast. It's almost shot show again. And Christina's like, I got time. I opened up my schedule. Finally, that wasn't it. I'm just nervous to do podcasts. Why? I don't know. Cause, uh, it's vulnerable.

I think being on stage is... Cody, open us up. We'll go into that. Go right into this. So, we do the... Oh, yeah. Three, two, one. Oh, I get... Yeah. Oh, okay. That's a count of three. Sorry. Jesus. Founding alcohol. Come on. Founding alcohol. Jesus. I'm gonna... Here. Three, two, one. And...

Hi everyone, welcome to the Unsubscribe Podcast. I'm joined today by Eli Doubletap, Christina Mariani, Brandon Herrera, myself, Donut Operator. Thank you so much for being here. Oh my god, there's a girl! What the fuck? We don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything. Brandon, get away. Everybody's scared.

Scramble away. I just love how, but we were at the, I think it was the Burbis events because it was House of Blues in SHOT Show. And we all loved the set. It was a very, very good performance, but we were all just like, man.

If anybody understands autism, it's her. She gets it. Oh, yeah. I'm just going to hold that. I'm just going to drink a little more. Your jokes were... You caught all of us off guard. This is at a veteran comedy show, and you set the fucking tone. Period. And you were just... Was it family that's military? No, I just...

Hate veterans. Yeah. Okay. No, I'm sorry. Just the homeless ones. I was just kidding. No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I panicked. I thought this was going to be a great... I just immediately pictured you rolling up your windows at a four-way stop. Oh, no. I run the red lights. He hates homeless veterans. No, no, no. I do. I love them. He's limbless.

No, that was fucked up. I just, I don't know. I read the situation a certain way and, um, can we cut this part out?

You're like, I'm so nervous. Did you say that in Burbiz? I can't even say that. No. Oh my God. This episode is going to be great. I'm genuinely curious though, what kind of brought you in with Burbiz or like the veteran community? Yeah, how did that happen? Oh, Justin. Governor? Yeah. That's our boy, Justin. Yeah, he asked me to come open for him because he headlined that show and

That's right. Justin's a good guy. He's doing Killtonio. Yeah, he just did one. He can do it twice now. You've met Justin. Justin's a homie. He's done Naked and Afraid, Fighting. He's the one that mooned Actman when Actman was on last time. Actman's not used to that, and we look over, and there's just an ass just hanging out. I was like, what the fuck? He's really embraced the Naked and Afraid bit. Yeah. Probably a little too much.

Did I ever tell you guys? I helped him do his audition video for Naked and Afraid. Actually, while we were filming one of my videos. Yeah, Brandon was filming a video at their range when we had the Black Rifle range back then. And Justin calls me and he's like, hey, that's how he talks. He's like, hey man, I don't know much about video stuff. I want to audition for this show, Naked and Afraid.

And that's how he talks. We win. I helped him start a fire from nothing and recorded it for him. Go back to the Mexican accent. That's how you talk. It's me. Welcome to the podcast. Go from there. Like, what the fuck?

I did not know that Justin, great friend, brought you on for a set that then got our attention. Like, we all were applauding and dying laughing because, holy fuck, like, there is a line, and then when you cross that line, like, out the gap, it's like... You went from... The Gaze to 9-11 in four minutes. That's not a joke. Kind of impressive. My favorite combination. Thank you.

I'm so sorry. I just like, thank you. What's funny is that- This is an Oscar right now. Thanks. I don't think God for the 9-11 joke. I'm already calling it. There's a lot of people out here who are not familiar with your content, your style, and they're just thinking like, God, the guys are making her so fucking uncomfortable. No.

This is why we don't have women on Unsub. No, I just have to warm up. I'm sure I'll like, you know. Booze is for it. Yeah, exactly. Welcome to Unsub. We bully women. Shadowboxing outside the battered women's shelter. That's the title of the episode. We bully a woman. The guest, a woman. We don't even put her name or anything on the episode title. It's like, man, you guys did me dirty. Yeah.

Featuring a woman. That actually would be very funny. We won't do that. Photoshop her cooking or something. With a black eye. Oh my god. See? She's adding to that thumbnail. It's perfect.

Congratulations, though. Women aren't funny. You're doing a great job. Thank you. You too. Holy shit. So you have nerves going into, I'm assuming, a lot of stuff.

Well, yeah, I think I've gotten a lot better. Like, my first Kill Tony, I was super, super nervous. Because I was only three months into comedy, but... You're talking just in... What? Fucking dude. You did Kill Tony in three months. Mm-hmm. And, uh... So I was really nervous, but I feel like I've mellowed out. I think I'm just nervous because this is, like, my...

one of my first podcasts that I'm doing. So it's the tiny one. So you don't have to worry. No one watches this. Dude, if you guys don't know what kill Tony is, it's like professional comedians get up and they have kind of a, they got their table. It's kind of a panel of like, yeah, it's like proven comedians and they roast a comedian set.

And so she was one of the comedians that they were just sitting up there roasting after three months of doing comedy. How was it? It was good. I had a good set, so they were pretty nice to me. And I was shaking. They saw how nervous I was, so they were like, oh, it was good. It was, yeah, it was a good experience. And, um...

Yeah. I will let you know from our side of it. Like, stand-ups, one thing is like, or a live audience is absolutely terrifying. Sitting down in front of cameras and doing this all day. No one, like, no problem. But fuck, the second you're in front of a live audience, you're like, oh, wow, this is way. Hi, everyone. I feel like I'm the opposite now. I feel like now doing this with...

is more nerve-wracking than going on stage. Like, I feel like I've gotten a lot better with my nerves on stage, but... Interesting. Yeah. I always bully myself about that because I'm like, look, not to make it worse, but I'm thinking, like, the amount of views that we get and things like that, like, we're in front of entire football stadiums full of people. Any given thing we post...

but when i get in front of a hundred people my nerves go crazy because i know you don't have an editor you know you whatever you say is what people remember yeah and for whatever reason that freaks me out yeah but it's like in the moment so you know that and also the phones are locked up like at mothership where i perform so that yeah makes it a lot easier because nobody can like catch you

Being, you know... What? Go on, expand. Being what? Sometimes, you know, something slips out that you're like, I need to chill. You know? The crowd's audience went, hmm. I don't know that. Yeah, exactly. Could you explain that?

No. We had a couple things in our live shows that were part of the set list that were like, oh man, I'm so glad we're not doing this on an actual episode. Yeah, those are definitely...

hold back. And then what going on Kill Tony, like your first time you, how many live shows did you do at that point? Cause you're saying three months, but how many shows? Oh, probably like one or two shows. Yeah. Holy shit. But it's only a minute on Kill Tony. So I could, so I could really like perfect that one minute that I wanted to do.

They only give you a minute on Kill Tony? Yeah. But then Red Band asked me to do Secret Show and that's like eight or ten minutes. So then I had to like kind of come up with that much time like between. And it helped me like come up with material faster. What was your like what is your process? Because I know you have I mean everyone does have a different process for writing a joke. You have Dave Chappelle. He's like the fishbowl. And he made that an entire segment. He's like I'll pull something out.

And I will make a punchline out of that joke or that phrase or that word. And that's how I build a set around it. I've never heard that. That's pretty cool. Yeah, it's really good. That's how he got like, so I kicked her in the... Like that's one of the running jokes. I'm sure you've seen that set. Yeah, yeah. He like built up to it and he narrates it perfectly. Are you doing the same thing? For me, it's like kind of like I'll get an idea and...

just randomly that's kind of fucked up and I'm like, that's kind of funny. Expand on it, like, uh, I'm going through a breakup right now, so PDA is really bugging me, like, kind of seeing other people PDA-ing. This is bad, this is really bad, but... Go on, go on, go on. F*** them PDA people. And then I'm just kind of thinking, like, what if I'm so dumb that I think f*** is PDA? And then...

And then I'm just like, God, she's pissing me off. She wants me to see. She's blowing a whistle. And so then I kind of make a joke out of that. To be fair, it's really f***ed up. I didn't want to say it. To be fair, it is a unilateral PDA. Right. It's like, God damn, I'm kinky, but I don't even like a gun to my head. Yeah.

So it's like really fucked up. But see, this is not, I shouldn't have said that. You're just walking by and you're like, show up! Yeah, exactly! And they're blowing your whistle! God, I see you, I get it, I'm alone. Look at me! Now I have to wonder, have you ever seen an episode of Unstopped? Yeah.

Yes, kind of. I've seen clips. I don't watch your podcast either. It's okay. Yeah, I don't have one. You don't have a what? A YouTube? I don't. I've watched it. Well, clips. But it's just jokes. It's just stupid jokes like that. Like stupid misinterpretations. I'm sorry. I feel like that was a fucked up one. No, no. You're just starting right in. Everyone's like...

That's why I asked because that is a very unsub level of... Yeah, but it just like pops into my head and I'm just like that would be so stupid if like you were dumb enough to like mistake those things, you know? Um...

Can I tell them about what we were talking about? Sure. Land Before Time. Oh, okay. Oh, no. Wait, what? I mean, it's... Oh, you weren't even here for this. No, but now I'm... Put that seatbelt on. Go on. 90s children cartoon, Land Before Time, the dinosaurs, the star leaves and all that stuff, right? The cute little dinosaur, Ducky, the actress, her father, her and her mother and the... It was like a double homicide type situation.

Shot them. That's hilarious to you. What was it? Ducky should have ducked? Ducky should- Jesus. Wait, who said that? I don't know. I think it was Connor. It went completely quiet and she's like, damn, I wonder what she did. But I was- See, I wasn't gonna say that here. I mean, uh, he does stuff too. Okay.

Don't put this back on me, Bobby. Don't put that even on me, Ricky Bobby. Common's like, she needs to be back. What do you think about veterans? Just going into deep topics. I'm going to warn you, if you have a political career, don't continue that sentence. No, I was just thinking about this earlier.

Do people ever jump off of mountains to kill themselves? I'm sure it's a rare thing because it's harder to jump off of a mountain because usually it's like a descending. Well, I just feel like because I just climbed a mountain this week just to feel better. And I'm like, when you climb a mountain, you don't feel bad anymore because you feel accomplished. So I just think like maybe you should climb a mountain and then jump off if you still want to.

But I guess to answer your question, they can't because they don't have legs probably. What do you think about veterans? Well, first off, you should climb a mountain because I felt good after that. And if you don't, just jump off.

No, I just- Crying at the bottom of it. American flag eagle swoops down. I'm just saying crying at the bottom of a mountain. I heard it didn't work. Well, that one didn't really land, but you know. Now I have no arms. Literally. Ooh. Ooh. Ew. I'm a ghost.

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Right now, GhostBed is offering 50% off all their products. Just use code UNSUBSCRIBE at checkout or go to ghostbed.com slash unsubscribe. Please buy some ghostbed.com slash unsubscribe. I'll be under your bed if you need me. I don't think veterans should kill themselves. Hot take. Hot take. Hot take. I think they should be happy.

Why don't you just be happy, guys? I'm so sorry. I don't know. I really admire what they do and what you guys do. Thank you, Brandon. Shut up. No. The amount of people... I did a meet and greet at the GOA convention in Knoxville. The amount of people that walked up to me, it was kind of like a bring in the handshake super close, like, hey, Lydra. It was, by the way. And they do that real quick. I'm like, fuck you. On sub viewers, you know who you are. We've started, but I just...

It's forced valor. That's a new shirt. It's like PTSD. Why don't you just be happy? And it's your face like... Just forget about it. Yeah, just forget about it. Is war that bad? PTSD? Move on. It's just awful. It's just the worst messaging ever. It's her smiling. It says war is heck. Yeah.

She has like a military helmet. War is hack. Holy shit. It's just veteran let them eat cake. You were like, okay, I've done three sets. Now I'm ready for Kill Tony. Wild idea. Did they ask you or did you prep for it? Or did you try out for the show? I just signed up. I write my name and then they pull it out of a bucket. So I was signing up for...

probably a month and then they pulled my name and then I got to so you were two months in yeah holy shit yeah um before I started signing up because I knew the minute I wanted to do so I like wrote it out and um

So you were seriously like, I want to do comedy now. Kill Tony should be one of my first things I do. Everybody was talking about it. Everybody was like, kill Tony, kill Tony. And then everybody was telling me not to sign up until I was at least a year in. And I was like, but I have a minute. Why wouldn't I sign up? I think it's funny. I think I want to do a podcast. Hey, Joe Rogan. Holy shit. You want to be my first guest, Joe Rogan? Yeah, no, but it worked out. Like, I guess it could have gone really bad, but I don't think I would have.

I'm too nervous to put myself in a position where I feel like, oh, this wasn't going to go well, you know? So you were fine. What was that bit? Your one minute? Like, Hey, I have a one minute to capture. First off. Amazing job. Jeez. None of the people at this table would probably right now sign up for a Tony event. Yeah, but I was going through something. I was like going through something. I was going through this whole phase of my life when I started doing comedy, where I was like, I'm going to do scary things, you know? So just like the rest of us, trauma made you funnier.

I mean, I didn't go into the war or anything like that. I'm like, neither did I. Oh, really? No. What are you...

She looked up chat GPT. I know. She's like, is Brandon a veteran? It's like, he was a Marine. He served. He had an AI's now trick that he's a veteran. So I did one Veteran Day episode, Veterans Day. And unbeknownst to me, I was just going on with like two of our veteran friends. Eli decided to rewrite my life canon at that point and try to force valor upon me. So I was never in any branch of military service. People get really mad about that now. I've never claimed anything otherwise. Right.

but thanks to this fucking dickhead. Now, even chat GTP says he served in the Marines. He has medals. He's a decorated war hero. Like, AI is like, Brandon is a hero. And the Marines out of all of them? Yeah.

I'd like to think I could have scored higher on the ASPAB than that. Just eat crayons. Do they generate an image of Brandon Herrera at Simmon? Like a plate carrier? And always dog tags. And he's like in the streets of Fallujah. Dude, AI is just fully like, that is a war here. My joke is always like, I never did any branch of military service ever. Internet. Uh,

But I did a 25-year tour in Fayetteville, North Carolina. That counts, right? Yeah, Fort Bragg, Jesus Christ. I hear they gentrified it. Yeah, that's a new name. Gentrification is fucking awesome.

What is it called? What's Fort Brad called now? Fort Liberty. But I refuse to say that. Yeah. It's, I went home recently. I went back. Uh, I still hate that place, but I, I went back. Everything's Fort Liberty now and it was frying my brain. I don't like it. Yeah. See, I didn't even, I know they started naming the bases, different stuff. And I was like, Oh yeah, that's a thing now. I forgot about that whole thing. I'm just upset. They couldn't have named it after something like they couldn't have named it after somebody really cool.

They just went like the generic, like you hired a marketing intern, 30 bucks, like for Liberty. Liberty is so cool. Chat GTP coming up with the name. Yes. Long story short. No, we're in the same boat. Neither of us have ever. Okay. These guys did well. What branch did you guys do? That was Navy army army. It was fun. I didn't want to recommend it. Good choice. Not doing, not doing it again. Never in a while.

Thank you all that serve now. I would never do that again. I'm like, fuck.

Eli actually went to War War. Yeah, those were fun times. I got over it. Just smile. Like whatever your catch line is. Yeah, just be happy. War, just be happy. Alright, we have so many good t-shirts to make. I'm thinking of all these in the cracker barrel. Like, I blew my left nut sack off in the cracker barrel parking lot. And I'm like...

The shitty t-shirt format. Have you never seen those? No. I've seen some where it's like, what's the police one? It's like, I get on my knees for this. Oh, God. You know what I'm talking about? I think so. It's like the thin blue line. Yeah. Yeah. Chase, put it right here and blur out some of it because I don't think YouTube will like that.

Or I'm not allowed in Cracker Barrel because I blew my nuts off with my concealed carrier or something like that. My 1911. With my 1911. But it's like the skull and, you know, just the cheesy shit you get at the gas station. The shit you see the boomers wear. And I hate it sells a whole bunch because you see them out in the wild and you're like, oh, people wear this. I want to do an ironic one at Bunker.

Just some just really cringy boomer shit just to see how it sells. It's going to be your number one. Make it brand is number one. That's everybody buy it for their dad at Christmas. And the dad's going to be so happy. Dude, Jeff would be so happy wearing that.

So in three months, you get your set. You're doing that. Before that, what was your lead up to comedy? Because you had to have something where you're like, I'm doing... What was your job at that time? I was working in insurance. I was an insurance underwriter. I'm so sorry. Yeah, it's okay. That was really boring. And then I was like, this can't be it. This can't be my life. Nine to five like this for...

And then I was just like kind of feeling lost. And then I just started doing things that scared me. So I moved away and I drove from California to Texas. Terrifying. Yeah, it is scary. That makes sense why you live in fucking Austin. Yeah.

Oh, I got to get away from California. Austin is a great place. Austin's like California white. That is the safe space of Californians. Well, I heard it was like a young, fun city and it was during COVID too. So California was really shut down during COVID and I heard that Texas wasn't. That's when we moved. Yeah. Yeah. So then I moved here and I was planning on like making my rounds. I was going to go to New York and then Denver and then maybe I was going to go back to California and just like do a loop and

But then I started doing comedy and I was like, oh, I'm just going to, this is because after three months, like I started like getting opportunities. Which is crazy. How long ago was that? Like, or well, how long? Three years. Since you started doing comedy? Three years. Three years. Okay. And now that's your, is that your main source? Like, hey, this is what I do. Yeah. Finally, I'm not working in insurance anymore. I'm just doing comedy full time. So, whoop.

It was scary, though, like even that jump, because you still made the jump. We have a lot of discussions about it's getting rid of that net. So one day you're just like, hey, I'm going to do this. Fuck it. I got a little nest. Yeah. Like now I'm just going to make the leap. I'm going to move here with no family. I'm assuming you have anyone here. No, I had no one to hear. I lived in a hostel when I first moved here. Oh, God. Yeah. I'm very trusting. Do you have any crazy hostel stories?

Um, I did acid like the first night. You are very trusting. Yeah, no, I just. This guy, he seems super nice. He offered acid. He said, put this on your tongue and I did it. I just have always wanted to try doing acid. That was my first time doing acid too. Yeah. It was really fun. I had a really good trip and that's it.

It was pretty much... It wasn't... There wasn't a crazy story to it. I guess there was a... There is a crazy story. I met a random dude. No, no, no. It was a group of people. I put drugs on my tongue. No, it was a group of people in the hostel. It was like, oh, the people in the hostel. It was incredible. And they were holding the acid and they were like, do you want to try it? And I was in my like, oh, do scary things. This is turning into a really dark episode. Wait.

I'm fucking here for it, dude. Dude, so good. So first time on, or what was your most nerve-wracking moment where you're like, oh, fuck, this is not going according to plan? I think right now. Really? Yeah. Is this one of the last 60 seconds? Oh, no, I should have said that. I should have said that. This is worse than acid with the strangers, dude. No, acid was cool. I kept looking. We're not.

no no this sucks this sucks i told you we should have drugged her man come on oh my god it's okay i microdose rubies really high tolerance uh no uh acid was cool i was looking at paintings and uh they were moving this is a nice hostel yeah it was it was really nice but it just lasts too long

How long does it last? Like 12 hours. Oh, fuck you. Yeah. After like six hours, I was like, okay, I think I'm good now. I didn't have to. That rollercoaster. He's like, man, I want off. I know. This ride. This is enough. Oh, we got six more hours on this trip. Oh, no, I'm good. I would have, I, it would be the six hour mark. I have a panic attack thinking I have six more hours. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Fuck. Hell no. Hell no. I am really curious, though, how you decided to get into comedy and what you did to prep for that. Because two shows, two shows before Kill Tony? Yeah. That is insane to me.

Yeah, but I did open mics, too. So I was, like, going to... Oh, okay. Well, okay, so you did a bunch of open mics before that. Yeah, I did a bunch of open mics. All right, so I would consider that. Like, I was thinking you got up in front of people twice, and you were just like, oh, I killed Tony. No, just, like, shows where there was, like... Because open mics, like, don't really have that many people. Shows are the ones that, like, you can get the most feedback. Yeah. But still, like, I feel like... Open mic, you got 10, 20 people, or...

No, sometimes there's like three or four people that open mics. Oh, wow. Yeah. Dude, when you bomb those, that hurts. Yeah. Here. Yeah, you can't make three people. I'd be like, I want to be a statistician. Sounds like my childhood. Can't make three people laugh. So going into it, as Brandon is saying, it's like, okay, you had three or two to three shows and then open mics, which are...

For whoever doesn't know, that's just you stand up. It's a cycle of how many minutes for an open mic usually? It depends. It's like two to sometimes ten minutes depending on the mic. So on average, it's like four to five minute mics. Now, growing up, were you like, hey... Did people say it's like, hey, you're funny or leading up in the thing? Or are you like, I'm scared, so I want to do comedy because that is such a specific thing to make people laugh. It is not the easiest of things. Well...

Ever since I was little, I always liked making people laugh. Like, I just wanted to make people happy. And then in college, someone I dated thought I was really funny. He's actually in the Navy, so that makes sense. Sense of humor. There you go. But I never thought about doing it seriously because I feel like my parents wanted me to be a lawyer. They wanted me to, like...

You too? Law school. Yeah, I just studied for the LSAT, then got into insurance, and I was like, I'm just going to make some money, and then maybe, but I didn't want to go to law school. It was boring. Yeah, I had my whole life set out for me, like law school, everything, and I'm like, you know what? I think I'm going to eat a bullet before I do that, so I'm going to try the gun thing I enjoy before I try the gun thing that I hate. Yeah. Really? Really? Yeah. No.

Fuck no. So then it was like, okay, lawyer didn't work out for you doing this. Really want this to work. I'm going to then write up. Where did you start learning how to write your material? Well, I majored in English in college, but I was always writing. I always loved to read and write even growing up. Uh,

But then, I don't know, I always just like writing for fun. And then I started writing just like at work. Sometimes I would just like try to write funny things. But I never really thought about doing it seriously still. And then when COVID hit and we all worked remotely,

A lot more time on our hands. Yeah. And also I could travel because I could work remote. So then I was like, I'm just going to move around. But at this point, I wasn't thinking I'm going to go to Austin to start comedy. I just went there. And then I was like, one of my goals while I'm here is to get up and just try it just because it's scary to me. And I've always wanted to. And people have told me to try it out. And, um,

And then I did, and I really liked it, and I felt really good doing it. And I've just been doing it ever since. You chose a great place to start your comedy career. I didn't even realize that that was like a... Everybody was talking about Rogan's Club opening up, too, and I didn't know even that that was a thing. Did you move before Rogan? No. I think he was there, and he was...

Had he launched Alien? Or Comedy Mothership? Comedy Mothership. He hadn't yet. He just, last year, that's when he launched it. Damn, you went at the right time. Yeah. And now you open there. Yeah. Now I work there, so it's insane. Oh, damn. You get some crazy, your photos and everything that you do. I'm like, holy shit. Okay. Homegirl's killing it. Out of curiosity, have you met Shane Gillis? Yes. How is he? He's a great guy.

He's great. He's funny. Obviously, he's awesome. That's fun. One of these days, we'll get him. Dude, I know this is a go. We'll get Shane. We're expanding now. We get the most random people on the podcast now. The most random. We have potential, high potential future guests where we're like,

The mix of people we get on this podcast is honestly fucking crazy. Yeah. She was telling me before you guys got here, it's like, I know you guys do a lot of military stuff. It's like, no, we had like Che on. Yeah. Che Duran. Che Duran. Yeah. We had...

Like two, the magicians. We had the magicians on. Chris and Wes, my boys. Chris and Wes. I love them. It's more than just like military stuff. Jody Plaché. We have like random people that like throughout American history almost. World War II, Vets that drank those beers. That's why we did that one. That's why we have just two random cheap beers. It's not like we like Coolers and China or Baca. I didn't even notice that. I know.

98, 99 years old. They're just sitting here slamming beers with us. It was awesome. We're like, we're framing at least one a piece. And then they were like taking a nap. That's how we had to wind it up. Cause he's like, one was getting sleepy, which understandable, bro. I got you. And then the other one, uh, Don has so much energy for 99. I don't have that energy now.

Homeboys just living the life. Like he is the epitome of also lucky, like did not get even a purple heart. He was the only one to survive out of the flamethrower unit that was there. So 1500 people, because it was two battalions worth of flamethrower people. He's the only one that lived.

So 1,500 people. That's crazy. It had a life expectancy of like three minutes or something like that. It was something stupid like that. That's wild. Yeah. His story. And you're like, oh, yeah, he was there during the raising of the flag at Iwo Jima. He was there. Oh, wow. Yeah. So that's why that beer's there. You're like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just going to keep their DNA forever. Oh, that's cool.

We have to invade mainland China. We have a hundred bombs. We'll make a bunch of them. An army of dons and the frontiers. It's going to be awesome. Man, he's pre-programmed to hate Asian people. We knew that swing back around. Like, what's going on? Stop Asian hate? Well...

Hold on now. Don't get over it. What's your next big show coming up? What are you excited about? I'm excited. I'm headlining Big Laugh Comedy in Fort Worth, 604 Main Street. Nice. Yeah, so I'm excited about that because I haven't headlined much, like once or twice before. Oh, shit. Yeah, and it was like, so I'm trying to get a set together, like a 35-minute set for this. Oh, damn. 35 minutes is awesome.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm really... But I need to... I feel like I've been stagnating a little bit. Like, I've been getting into a routine, so I'm starting to feel antsy about... So I need to do something challenging. 35 minutes will do it. That's... That's...

By yourself. Cause while I know standing in front of hundreds of people by yourself doing a 35 minute set, just it, my anxiety is already rising. I need more alcohol. Mine too. I avoided like responding because I was like, Oh God, I don't know. But, uh, you know, I just kind of have to just do it or else I'm just going to stay at the level I'm at. Yeah. And that's awesome. That's a very healthy approach.

It's always that growth. You're like, I'm uncomfortable or I'm feeling stagnant. I need to push myself to get to that next level. And that's, I mean, literally so far how you've lived your life was like, I am, I don't like what I'm doing. I'm going to take a risk. I have been made risk-

I feel like I always have to challenge myself, though, or else I just start feeling sad. And when I feel like I'm not doing enough, I go and I climb a mountain. We were talking about that earlier in a joking way, but I will just take off and go and climb a mountain. You have legs, though. I like those damn veterans. I know. I'm sorry. I feel really bad for making those kinds of jokes.

Just smile. You don't have to, but can you share one joke from your set that you have coming up? I mean, I kind of told you guys the one I'm working on right now, trying to make funny the... Trying to make funny the... Yeah, the whistle one. I'm trying to make funny of the... Yeah, just trying to like... Chase is going to be working overtime on this one. Chase, bleep out that word. Yeah.

Put a grape up really big and we're good. Just put the grapest from Whitest Kids You Know. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's a hard one because it's like you don't want to say in your set because people get real uncomfortable for some reason. Weird. Wow. Fucking gay. Yeah. In conclusion, I love the gays. My little brother's gay and...

But we grew up Catholic, so he got lucky. *laughter* Nice. Um... He got lucky in a sense, 'cause I mean, he's still going to hell. Can you guys say something? 'Cause I'm gonna keep like, saying stuff. You're doing great, the show is doing good. Fuck.

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all lowercase. Go to shopify.com/unsubpod now to grow your business, no matter what stage you're in. Go to shopify.com/unsubpod. - I feel like that shot just hit me because I feel more comfortable now. - I can tell 'cause your leg finally relaxed. - Yeah. - Neat. - Your sense, holy shit. So what is the worst performance where you're like, these jokes, do you modify your jokes for different locations?

No. Oh, how does that work sometimes? I don't think so. I kind of read the vibe of the room, though. I can see if they're more sensitive. So then I have cleaner jokes. How do you see that? I can just sense the tension in the audience. Like, if I say a joke that's darker and then they kind of pull back on it, I know that they're not going to like me. Yeah.

And so then I just like try to like self-deprecate in the beginning because I feel like if you self-deprecate, then they're like, all right, she's not a bitch. They open up. Like they open up a little bit. And then I like, I can kind of sometimes like,

ease them in to me being fucked up like they learn more about me up front that's and they're like okay she got beat when she was younger there's this there's that like i get why her brain is the way it is but if i just right off the bat i i'm fucked up they're like what the

You know, like I have to baby f*** them into it. That's what Brian Holtzman says. Question mark? I have to what? Brian Holtzman, he's a comedian too. He says you got to baby f*** them. Kind of like, just like ease them into it. So baby steps, but objectively worse. Yeah, I mean... No, it's your whole... Yeah, this is your conversation. Oh, I don't know. I didn't have anything, I guess. I just...

Baby fuck him. Just like, just like, like a- New t-shirt. I don't know, just like a little bit. Like, just use them in, just lube them up a little. You know, just like a baby fuck. So on that exact note, um, what kind of jokes do you usually feel like the audience is starting to pull back from? Like, where do you go that you're just like, ooh, fuck, wrong crowd? Um...

I don't know. It really depends on the crowd. Sometimes they don't tense up on me until I... You make the Catholic jokes in the Vatican, for example. No, that's okay. I mean, most of the time. That's actually a really good question. It's like, what is the line? It's like, hey...

I can make these jokes, but these like jokes, like in depending on where you're at, it's like, Oh, that hits home or like gay jokes or whatever. There's certain jokes like in LA that you could make and other jokes you really can't versus like rural South, like very different. What I noticed is you can't spill by the way. I was not going to let that go. I didn't realize that that was, I felt the splash. What am I going to let you just have that one?

Just a baby splash. Just baby splash on the table. People, no matter what, don't like it when you say you want to kill a dog. Is what I noticed. It definitely ruins your chance of being the vice president. How many times have you tried that joke? It's only because my next... Texas, you just scratch it out. You're going state by state. Sometimes I try to be candid and talk about things, you know, like real stuff. You know, like...

Not that I want to kill a dog, but kind of. Because... No, no, no. What kind of dog? It's a really small yappy dog that lives right next door to me. And it won't shut up. And it just... I stay up all night listening to the dog just yap and yap and yap and yap. They love antifreeze. Huh? They love antifreeze. It tastes sweet. Look, I don't know how to break into the apartment. I already thought about it. I even looked up...

Because it's gotten to that point. I don't want to kill a dog. I don't. But it's one of those things where it's like, when it's your... You get to the point where you just realize that you're not that good of a person, you know? You're just like, would I do something bad? Yes. And... I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to kill animals, but this specific one...

Just keeps me up all night. It's affecting my health I feel like I'm getting sick and I just hear it and hear it and hear it all day all night I don't want to kill this dog. I just do I just I don't want to kill it But this is like the argument I hear in court about people killing their spouse No one else No one else but her dear. Bitches man

I get it. Now I get it. That's what's like. I don't know if that was a pun or not. It was. I did it on purpose. Husband murders woman. I get it. I looked it up. Is it illegal to kill an animal? Yes, but only since 2019. Trump made it illegal in 2019. You can't torture and kill animals.

So I guess I'm not going to vote for Trump. God damn it. That's the, I guess, very fucked up version of thanks, Obama. Thanks, Trump. A dog was in my... No, I mean, it's a dog, you know. What I really should focus on is the owner.

The dog doesn't know. It's like a little kid. Like, you need to discipline it. You need to beat it. Otherwise, it won't be funny. Otherwise, the dog won't be funny. And that dog is not funny. That just brought me back around to the old shop we had.

We had a big plastic trash can that we cut a hole out of and we made a mousetrap out of it, put the antifreeze at the bottom and the bait at the end of a stick as we had a ramp through the thing. For what? To kill mice, like rats in our old shop. You were talking about dogs and now I'm like, Brandon, to kill dogs, do you need to remove the segment altogether? And we wrote above the fucking thing, like in the nice font, we put Mouschwitz. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I think we put the, like, I'll break my mock free to you later. Welcome to Mouschwitz. You will not escape. Holy fuck, no. I love you. Dude, I... The fur.

It's an anti-freezer. After like a week, you just shake it a little bit and it disintegrates. Oh, no. Oh, my God. So my girl asked, like, because, you know, all three of the dogs that we have at our house now are are hers.

And she's like, oh, well, so if something happened to me, you would adopt all three of these dogs, right? And I said, absolutely, except that one. I'm taking him to the local Thai joint. I just feel like Eli, you know, you can make some dog tacos out of him. I know. Just the best dog tacos. Because he's Asian and he's Hispanic. The picture you're just handing as you walk by your Asian neighbors, like, man, that's a really succulent dog. A 224. Yeah.

No, you know what? One time in high school, I found a lost dog. And I went door to door after school trying to find its owner or somebody to adopt this dog because I felt bad. Oh, no. And this old Asian man opens the door and I go, do you want this dog? I found this dog. And he was like, oh, no, I already ate. I swear to God. That is an actual story. Yeah, that is an actual story that happened. And, um.

It was just so funny. What was your reaction? At first, I was like, okay, because you don't expect that. You don't expect somebody to do that. You had to process it later? Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, wait a minute. Also, terrible Asian accent. I didn't know if that was too far. I could have done better. You can...

I make it all the time. You guys have to do it first. Done and done. I do it all the time. Excuse me, sir. Would you like this dog? No, I just ate very full right now. Thank you, white girl. And then they walk off. Now your turn. Okay, but yours was so much better.

Every time, like, from then on, you're looking for the owner of the dog. I'm assuming this is before next door. You open up. You have the neighbor open the door. And as soon as you see an Asian, you're like, oh, sorry, wrong house. I'm like, no. You act like, how dare you? You knock on my door.

You come to my house. You come to my house. Oh, no. I don't know. Some white girl knocked a day and ran off with a dog. Very confused. I just picture, you know, in cartoons when they see like the, you know, like a fox sees a rabbit and then it just turns into like a cooked chicken or like a... Yeah, yeah. You see the dog and they just start salivating. They should do a study. I know.

You should do a legitimate study. The salivation glands of an Asian person opens the door. Like Pavlo's dogs. That's what you're talking about. Jesus Christ. They don't even need the bells. They just salivate. I just picture you holding the dog and it turns into a chicken and gets back to the Asian dude. And then it turns into a chicken and they're like, never mind.

Like, never mind, we like the dog. Oh, I don't like chicken. Like, oh no. Don't like chicken, tastes like dog.

Oh my God. I told you guys the coyote story. My buddy's Vietnamese. Oh God. Yeah. Fuck. No, my buddy living in Charlotte. Uh, he was a Blackwater guy and like, there's a coyote out in his front yard and it's like clearly rabbit. He goes out with his three and a blackout and he shoots it, kills it. The Asian neighbor comes over and is like, can I have that?

This is a dude that fought in Vietnam for the Americans and he won a citizenship like fighting for our side. So he's like, yeah, you can have it like a rabid Cody. So he comes back a couple of weeks later and he's got this, this jar full of like gray chunky shit inside of it. He was like, I made this for you. He's like, well, what is it? He's like, I pickled the coyote.

and just gives it to him. He's like, thank you. It's like horse meat. He opened it and smelled it though. Yeah, yeah, I think he did. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, you told me the story like a couple years after it happened. Yeah.

Dude, those ones, because like different cultures, you have different, like bugs, eating bugs. Not for me. Never will be into it. But then I was thinking about it. I was like. Have you never done that? Like eating the. No. Certain touristy place, like they do that. Like the candy bugs and shit. It's on a very low. I feel like I'm now more Asian than you are. 100%. You're just Mexican. We got that in common. We. We can cut out of your ass. Brown people. Brown people.

Yeah, no. I was like, every time I'm like, ah, it's probably not for you. I'm just bugs. Horse meat. Never tried. You've eaten Taco Bell though. That is true. Nevermind. I don't know what I've had in that. Yeah. Yeah.

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Did you read Goat near Deploy? Yes. We had Goat. My bud Casey, our boy Casey, he just had, he's in Japan right now. He just had horse sashimi. He sent me videos of it because they do pork sashimi too. That seems dangerous. Yeah. Like it will not fuck with pork sashimi. Just raw pork. Japan. Oh, okay.

That's why they get COVID. Like, that's why it's like... It's because they're eating pork sashimi and bats. I know! It wasn't Japan. They're the fancy ones. They're the fancy Asians.

Ask Activision or Ubisoft what kind of Asians they are. No, I dated a guy who's Chinese and he told me that it's a compliment to be mistaken as Japanese, but it's offensive to be mistaken as Chinese. That's what he said.

Understandably. And I think all Asians are really racist about other Asians. Everybody knows the Asian tier list. What is it? Japanese, South Korea, Chinese, and then you have like Vietnam, Filipino,

Almost verbatim. Yeah, Filipinos are like the Mexicans of the Asian culture. It is a tier list of... Stop looking at me for confirmation! You're the expert. Trout, how do you feel about Asians? Would the whitest man in the room please confirm? Let me measure your skull. I've got my phrenology kit in the car.

Don't get to me. Let me tell you about them black folks real quick. We're talking about Asians, Cody. You guys were talking about racism? He just wanted to talk about it. No, no, no. Actually, good segue to... Oh, first, before we go to the offenders, Brandon.

Yes. Traffic stop. You got pulled over. So I got pulled over earlier this morning. I was on my way out to middle of nowhere, Texas. I was driving a couple hours out this morning. So I was a little late. I was driving kind of quick. I had the funniest traffic stop of my entire life. So I... Wait, funnier than the female cop that pulled us over. Yes. Okay. Yes. So I was driving kind of quick. I won't say where I was, but I will say I got pulled over and I did get a citation. Um...

I was going 90, and they clocked me at 90, and I will say that the speed limit was lower than 90. I'll say that. I think that's pretty fair. Got pulled over by two state troopers. They were very nice. Had a great interaction with them because I didn't move my hands really fast and try to bail out of the vehicle. So weirdly enough, if you're polite to police, you have a very good time. Even us, just for reference, I...

I know how I look. I put my hands on the steering wheel. I turn on the dome light. I am like, you know what? I'm not even going to fucking, I want to be as respectful. If I was in their position, walking up on a car, you know what? This dude with tattoos, if he's like this dome light on, I'm like, okay, it's at ease this thing. So, and I was, I was in the cyber truck, the, the, the cyber hog or whatever people are calling it now. I rolled down all the windows.

Because I know they're tinted, so I'm like, all right, just put these guys at ease, roll down the windows, whatever. Hands on the steering wheel. Yeah, exactly. We have this brown thing. But they were just two good old boys. They were really, really cool about it. And they're like, hey, you know your registration's out? I'm like, yeah, I know. Tesla hasn't sent me the plates yet. I'm still waiting on it. So it's technically a couple days out. And we're going through it. The guy goes back to the car to write me a ticket.

And I'm bullshitting with the guy. He's like, what do you do for a living? I'm like, I'm in the firearm space. So I'm talking to him. He's like, oh, dude, we got an MP5 in the truck, you know, full auto MP5. Them new recruits don't have that. You know, we just we're rolling around with it. They wish they did. We're just bullshitting about machine guns. And we're just me and him for like five minutes. We're just like bullshitting back and forth. I tell him kind of a little bit about what I do. I don't mention, obviously, all of this.

But his friend comes back. I get a ticket for the obviously speeding pretty heavily and a site or a warning for the plate or the registration. And we keep talking. They're asking about all the features of the Cybertruck. I'm just showing them because we're just at this point. I know I'm getting a ticket and I roll back the cover over the trunk.

And then they see all the .50 cal shells and everything. I've got a pintle mount for a .50 cal in the back. I don't have the .50 on it. But there's casings, links, everything for the .50 in the back. And the guy's like, I don't mean to be weird, but can I have one of those? And so he takes it. I'm like, yeah, dude, of course. Whatever. I don't care. It's basically trash. So he takes one of the .50 cal casings. The guy's like, I'll be right. Goes to his car. So you did get a ticket, but I'm changing it to a warning. And so I'm like, oh, that was...

Those guys were really cool. So it's one of those things. Just be nice to police. Not because you might get out of a ticket, but you know. Human, just as a nice, like being human, goes a long ways. Cody will always say, what is it police are there to...

I figure you're saying not being a dickhead. Yeah, protect and serve. But it's also judgmental. Like, it's on judgment. Yeah, if you're an asshole, you're going to get a bunch of tickets. What is it? It's officer discretion, I think, right? Yeah, officer discretion. They don't have to give you a ticket, but if you're nice to them, you know, a lot of times they'll just give you a warning. It's the same thing with, it's not only cops, but it's like everybody in life. Just don't be an asshole for no reason. It's like I fully expected to have to pay that ticket, but just because I was not an asshole.

Did you show them the picture of you as a marine AI? Is that really what it was? Like, I served. Can I see your ID? Brandon's first thing is like, I don't know if you know.

He's like, oh, I'm sorry, sir. They salute him. I pull out Eli's purple heart. My favorite part is I can tell the story because they have, A, I'm not saying where it happened to be. They have no idea who I am. They had no clue. It wasn't that like, oh, you're blood. No clue. Just random guy that just happened to have 50 calcates. Also two medals of honor.

And two medals of honor. Fuck off. You showed him that picture? Yeah, he's just like, let me find my ID. He's cycling through his strategy to be about that. Oh, sorry, that's not my ID yet. Man, it's two medals of honor. And I accidentally let slip with one of the cops who stayed behind. My front windshield was tinted. I didn't know that's illegal in Texas. I was just saying, like, I was not impressed with it. I was going to get ripped off because it's getting scratched and whatnot.

But he's like, because he was saying, oh, did you scratch the windshield already? I'm like, oh, no, it's just the shitty tent, whatever. He's like, you know, you ain't supposed to have that. I'm like, me, totally forgot. You're 100% right. There's a lot of weird laws, even fire. I think I said with a, I put the, no, I had my pistol in the front seat. Just open. This is years back. Cop pulls me over. We just did a range shooting thing. So I had a bunch of guns. That's probably changed after the new constitutional carry. Yeah.

Yeah, because it wasn't. I had my pistol in the front seat. That is considered concealed. Like, oh, I had a blanket or something over it. Yeah. He was like, that's a felony. Just so you know, like, that is a felony. Felony. If I was a dick or if you got a dickhead cop, they could arrest you for that. And I was like, oh, well, thank you for not doing that. He's like, of course.

Nice guns in the back. I was like, yep. He's like, I was kind of nervous the second I walked around the corner. Flashlight, it's nighttime and you're just like AKs and M4 or ARs. You're like, okay, Mexican with gun. Most cops, if you're a normal dude, they don't care. They don't really want to fuck you over. They just make that tack on charges in case somebody's an asshole. They're like, oh, really? You want us to throw the book at you? Sure. Sure.

That sound about right? Yep, sounds about right. Yeah. Police stories, anywhere you're like, I got pulled over. I honestly feel like being a military guy is kind of like being a hot girl when you get pulled over.

It's what it sounds like. No one's getting tickets. Not military. Yeah, but you had the marine thing, and you did, you did, and they backed away because they didn't want to get AIDS. Oh my god!

They were like, don't touch me. Shit, he's a Marine. Don't hurt his health. Cut. You said he's a Marine, and the only thing I thought of was a cringy TikTok. He's a Marine. That whole thing? Oh, my God, yeah. You remember that? Oh, yeah. Who was that? I don't remember her name, but she got him in so much trouble with his command.

I'd be so mad at my wife. That was the military equivalent of the I'm snacking video. Babe, what is it? He's a marine. Loyal. Strong. And he's just standing there like this. He's in the background like, the shit I do for- Yeah. And then it went viral. Oh yeah, like-

That probably has how many 20 million views? Easy. Yeah. And no military guy like that. Like that poor husband went through hell and got in trouble. He was roasting him in the comments. He was the 22nd. Yeah. He's a statistic now. He is. I would be if that happened to me. I'm like, fuck. We should get him on the podcast. I would love to hear that. I would love to hear the story. No. No. No.

So you do comedy. You're what else? Also, by the way, if you want a really good YouTube series, you just doing shit you're afraid of and recording that is actually phenomenal. I'll let you know that. Hey, if you recorded, I don't like, I'm terrified of getting on a stage. This is what I'm scared of. And then you show your comedy beats and then you show that progression. Might've got one or two views. I don't know. I feel like I'm not very good at

Being on social media, like I have an Instagram, but that's pretty much it. And I guess I just want people to come see me in person for my content.

I mean, social media is just kind of like the way to amplify that, I guess, where like you get, you get it out. Like, Hey, you've got a couple of clips. Like I've seen your Instagram. You've got a couple of like, yeah. Right. Immediately recognize, Oh, I've seen this person before. Yeah. But even the clips I do have, usually it's somebody else that posts them and then make me a collaborator, you know? So then I don't have to do anything. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. That's why you get somebody like our amazing show.

She runs all the socials for us and then we don't have to do the thing. We don't like, cause we're awful at it. Yeah. We are fucking straight garbage. If guys, if you want to know where the content comes from, it is amazing show over there. People think like, Oh, you're influencers. You blah, blah. Like you always have a camera pointed at you. Like we hate it when we're out in public. Like we hate having a camera at our, our cells. We just, we like to hang out and have fun and we need people like show to rein us in like, Hey guys, you know, you need to take a picture of this. Like, Oh, right. Yeah.

today she'll take a photo of this and that's because she took a photo of this not because we were like hey everyone selfie and we do that that is one of the rarest things in this friend group i think if you are that kind of influencer by the way out there and you love selfing yourself and taking videos that's fine you're just going to hell like no i was staring at the camera that was like i love sad she knows that there fight fight

That was camera eye content. Whatever. I don't think I've ever seen Sav take a selfie. God, no. She's really good at that. She takes after me. Even me. I'm like, just do content this. And she's like...

Content in general is the hardest thing to do and I get where you're coming from where it is like I don't like being on camera either like this is like making me so self-conscious Let's do kill Tony two months in there I was going through something in that time I'm gonna do things that are scary to me, but now it's like I've done like see and I'm healthy and I hate it again Well, this is my life now

No, but I forgot what I was saying. I have such bad ADHD, too. You don't say. Can you tell? I recognize the tics. Really? Yeah. I try to contain it. We're all retarded at this table. I've popped my thumb so many times. You know where I learned that from? Me, too, underneath the table, though. I learned that from A.J. Wilkerson. Oh. He's like, dude, he's like, I'm watching you fucking tic over here and...

Oh yeah, AJ called you out on that. He was like, you're probably autistic. He's like, oh, you don't think you're autistic? Chase, could you please play that little five second clip? So what he's doing right now is also stimming. Are you talking about me? Yeah. No, he's got the chin. No, no, no. You just gotta call autistic man autistic person. Have you met AJ? Mm-mm. Dude, AJ is... I think we named that episode the autism test. And then during...

autism awareness month, we use that as the ref, or I should say the three nonprofits that we donated one of the big ones, this is a massive one, like, Oh, my God, we watched the autism test.

we say retard like 80 times. I was like, that's the one you watched. And like, thank you for what you're doing. We actually laughed. I tried to take an autism test online because I was curious about it. Um, but then when I took it at the end, it was like, Oh, you got to pay $40 to see your results. And, um, I didn't. So maybe I'm autistic, but, but I'm not retarded. So,

'Cause I feel like it was more of a retard test, like, are you gonna pay for this? Are you... Are you autistic and fucking retarded? Almost got me on that second part! Yeah, I was like, "Oh, he didn't get me." That sounds like a two-for-one test, dude.

It's okay if I'm autistic. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I've lost the plot. You're killing it. You're killing this so good. I'm so sorry. No, don't. Do not apologize. This has been amazing. I hope my parents don't see this. Welcome to every episode of Unsubscribe so far. I don't know how this happened. It's like one shot and half a white claw, I guess. That's my limit.

You should definitely come down more and just hang out with the group. You get along really well. Everyone's going to love this. It's like pushing for whatever content you do in the future. You're fucking crushing it right now. I don't know. I feel very nervous about this all being out there. This is not...

We've had way hard. Dude, Jody's episode, the guy, that one for the book. So Jody's dad is the one that killed the guy on live camera.

And then did six months community... Was that a few years of community service? Yeah, it was like... It was like five years. No community... Like, no jail time. This dude killed the guy that kidnapped his son on live TV. If you've never seen that, it was like... This is like 90s or 80s. Yeah, it was... It was like 80s. Late 80s. Yeah. Or... Yeah. And then...

So the son that got ****ed by the person that he killed was on the podcast, and he went hard making child jokes. He's the only one that caught everyone off guard out the gate. We're like, holy ****. We can do this too. And then the only time we've ever in the history of the podcast had a disclaimer at the beginning. We're like, hey, this episode goes, blah, blah.

And the comments were like, a disclaimer. What the f***? Oh, holy shit. Yeah, thank you for the disclaimer. It went so f***ing hard. So this is still PG-13 on how hard we've won as an episode. So you're good. Okay, that's cool. So open it up. Open that game. I don't want to read it.

Once Brandon gets back, we get to do the offenders. - Our sponsor for this video is PDS Debt because everything is really expensive right now. - I spent $400 at the grocery store. I don't even know what I got. - Milk. - He got milk. - One milk. You may be in debt right now because the economy is in shambles. You know what also comes with debt? Stress, anxiety, existential doom.

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It's incredible. You can get a free analysis right now by going to pdsstep.com slash unsub. It takes 30 seconds. Go to pdsstep.com slash unsub. Go now! I'm going. Hey! And then we get to do the offender's bit, which I cannot wait. I'm excited for that. Oh, tequila. All right, so have you ever wondered, if you were part of a superhero group like the Avengers, what would your power be? I've never wondered that.

That makes you a normal person. But I think that's a dude question. Like, dudes are the ones that wonder. It's like, bro. Guys would just be like, to have a really big dick. Everyone's superpower. Just went to hear Ryan McMahon's all set. So we all have superpowers. Like, we have created this massive universe, kind of like the Avengers, but it's the Avengers.

You get to pick your superpower. We get to pick the offset. So my favorite is always Cody's. I will just, we, we just have to go off of Cody's cause I think that sets the standard of how this works. Cody, what's your superpower? Right? So I can fly pretty cool power, but in order to fly, I have to be shouting racial slurs the entire time. Yeah.

That's great. It makes it hard rescuing certain communities. It's like a Flappy Bird thing. You have to constantly press space. Just to stay in the air. So you have Tourette's. So that's what you have is Tourette's. Your offset is Tourette's? Never thought about that. Going into a section I have. It's on fire. This is the shitty part. I never thought Unsub would get here. And so I chose my offset. Yeah.

years ago when I was going through something very difficult. You can change it. I'd have to think about that. We'll see what the Reddit has to say about it. My thing is that I can never permanently die, but I am constantly killing myself. You die, but you don't remember how. I can never permanently die. But I'll just wake up the next morning and see two of me swinging from the ceiling fan like, oh man, Thursday was rough. So you're like Groundhog's Day.

But his body sticks around the next day. Oh, so you see yourself. Oh yeah, body will never... That's what I like the most is the body always stays and Brandon doesn't remember how he died, but it's 100% of what works. My thing is like, man, we had... I took a pill and a B's on repeat. I'm not doing great. I still like... You wake up, you're like, man, what a good night's sleep. Two bodies are on the fan. The other me didn't even cut the other one down. Fuck.

I was saying about something. So do you have to kill yourself or do you just do it for fun? I think I do. Asking the real questions. You wake up in the morning and you're like, I'm done. It's a long day. It's 9.15. Stub my toe getting out of bed like, alright. You remember you're a marine, you look at the fish. Every day, Brandon looks at that purple heart. He's just like, well, I guess I gotta kill myself.

So Eli, your power. I'm like the flash. But then I cannot interact for five minutes of when I get to a situation. So what your joke plays into, I can't do anything.

I'm like, stop, ma'am. Fight back harder. Blow the whistle louder. Because I cannot do anything other than talk. You just accidentally did the Asian thing. Oh, so you get there really fast. Did I? The whistle. The whistle. Brodericial. Brodericial. Yeah, I get there like super fast. So you get there really fast, but then she's disappointed. I'm just kidding.

I bet that's real life too. Sab, that is... Sab, that's not that funny. Why are you laughing that hard? I'm sorry. I'm gonna make that thumbnail later. So it's her and Sab with a black eye. Thumbnail later.

What's happening? I don't know. One hour, 38 minutes. You'll understand. What power have you always wanted? We picked the offset. You get to pick the power part. Well, I always wanted to fly, but you already took that one. If you want to fly, we can. Also, you forgot your name. Oh, he's the crime cuck. Crime cuck. Yeah, it's a dope ass name. Can write a really awesome police report in 10 minutes.

I don't worry too much. Just showing up and be like, I am sorry. I can't help with what's going on right now. But in four minutes and 30 seconds. Just breathe. This is all over. That's so funny. That's kind of like a family guy. I saw on Family Guy. It was like they're making fun of Aquaman. The girl's getting on the beach and Aquaman's like, hey, stop.

You're down in this water. Yeah, yeah. You're lucky you're not in the water because. Just wait until high tide. And she's like, oh, God, please help. And then Aquaman's like, well, you shouldn't have been a whore. Oh, my God. Because he couldn't do it. Yeah, I forgot that's how it ended. Because he can't do anything about it. God. See, the shit that Seth MacFarlane gets away with. Oh, my God.

Also, you're just saying a new standard for future guests and episodes. So thank you for that. I'm saying what Family Guy did. I didn't come up with that. This isn't my joke. It's not mine. I just laughed at it. Yeah, I just thought it reminded me of your power. Except you're on land and you're just there. Just watching. Except you have no excuse. With a clock. Yeah. So you can't fly. I can't fly. What power would you like?

She wants to fly though. Okay, maybe being invisible.

Because we have, like, everything. Well, so who is it? Rich that's invisible? Yep. That's what I'm saying. If she wants to fly, we just got to pick an offset for now. So one of the folks on subreddit should probably do a complete, you know, Excel spreadsheet of all the powers. Did they? Yeah. Oh, I hadn't seen it yet. A month ago, they, like, every guessed in what their power and offset is. And even them in the thread, they were like, yo, they can start doing...

Cause I lost track. I, we have so many, every power has been taken almost at this point. So it's really difficult. Flying is one where if she's the second flyer, we just have to pick an offset, which I think. Yeah. Well now I want a different power though. Okay. Well you get a picket. It's not fucking locked in. That was your choice. Don't. Wow. I'm trying to think of what it would be. Now I want something else. Cool. Okay. How about, where do you want to eat Eli? Yeah.

She's like, I always know where to eat. No. Offset, you're a man. Don't. Fuck. Beard goes. It's kind of like the Hulk, except I turn into a dinosaur. Ducky. So your superpower is changing into a baby dinosaur? You get killed by your father. Oh.

- Is that the offset? Am I just swinging on the fan with you? - It's fly-y. - No, I don't know. - I want to turn into a velociraptor. What dinosaur are you turning? A baby dinosaur? Dude, the idea of turning into a dinosaur, really gangster superpower.

Or something cool. I was literally just thinking, nobody's done the Hulk thing yet. Dude, the Hulk thing's great. Yeah, but it could be anything. Maybe I'm a shapeshifter, depending on the situation. Like Beast Boy. Yeah, so I can change into whatever, depending on what it calls for. That's my superpower. What? Oh, that's yours? That's mine, and the offset is that every other time I'm a sex toy.

I forgot that was it

If they have a butt plug, they're gonna use it. Who has a butt plug in his... Where was Connor during Infinity War? Dr. Orman. He was in every scene, I assure you that. There's a reason Hulk smashed. Hulk angry. Infinity whore.

Shapeshifter? Okay, what is a good offset for Shapeshifter? Well, he has that one too now. One out of three times you're Jeff Goldblum for 24 hours. I feel embarrassed. I don't know who that is.

What?! It's my son, Wendigoon. I'm sorry. I actually, I don't know who a lot of comedians are either. I feel like I don't watch that much stand-up. Oh, uh, well... Jurassic Park? The really creepy guy who, you know... The water over the hand, that whole... You've seen Jurassic Park. I've seen Jurassic Park, I just don't know who you're talking about. The guy in the all black that had his shirt ripped open for no reason. He was in The Fly. Did he have glasses?

Yes, I think. Okay, I know who it is. Have you seen The Fly? No, I haven't seen The Fly. What's another big movie that Jeff Goldblum did? Thor Ragnarok. Independence Day. Independence Day. Yes! Yeah, he was the scientist in Independence Day. So he never plays the main character. Okay, I know who that is. Yeah, I'm just bad with names.

I feel like I could do the Jeff Goldblum impression that when they go down and Hunter always cuts it out. It's so bad. I'm so sorry. It's no, Isaiah. I love you. That is one of the worst Jeff Goldblum impressions I've ever heard in my life.

You should play Hunter's version of Wendigo. Oh, God. You have it already? Cody has it, dude. It's so funny. Dude, you should play that because that's fucking hilarious. That is like a segment that will get clipped. Hunter, this is for both of you. We could ask them if we could do this. Yeah, we'll ask them. We'll shoot them a text. We'll be like, hey, is that okay for an episode? It's on your text page.

Dude, okay, Jeff Goldblum turned into that. What else is another offset that is a possibility? It's on Hunter's text. Shapeshifter. Whatever she's not shapeshifted, she has to be a woman. What an offset. I don't think I can punish anyone enough. That does suck. No, I'm just kidding.

That is harsh. Whenever you're not shape-shifted, you can't vote. Jeff Goldblum that. I'm trying to think of another offset. I always like to do any other offsets. Jeff Goldblum, sex toys. The sex toy one is pretty good. Not going to lie. That is why we got that. That's why Connor's offset is really gangster. Is it like a luck chance of the intelligent level? Did Hunter send you that?

He did. No, I found that one. I was listening to their latest podcast. Oh, I thought that was a clip. Right? It was an audio clip. He texted one of you guys the revised Wendigan impression. Dude, no, he sent that for your birthday, Cody. He did. Happy birthday. Yeah, that was a birthday message. Was it one of those? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was a birthday message. I got it.

Do you know who Meat Canyon is? No. You don't do any YouTube, do you? No, not at all. I feel bad because I don't see. No, don't feel bad. You do comedy. Yeah, but even comedians, like I said, sometimes big comedians will come in the club and I have no idea who they are. What do you do on your, do you stare at a wall? I write. I write and I read a lot. She does Kill Tony like none of us have done.

It's very true. That's terrifying to all of us. We've all wanted to do stand-up at one point. No. Ever. Except for Eli. Yeah, I'm good. What if we do a two-minute piece? Just a short one. That's what we're going to do on this next tour.

I hate you. I don't like that. Yeah, you want to do that? These are like 1,100 theaters. Yeah, it's terrifying for all of us. That expression just said cool. No, no. I've done theaters that have been like 8,000 people. Holy shit. 8,000? Mm-hmm. Jesus Christ. Yes. How's that? Insane. But it's almost like you can't see anybody, so there's that. But then you can hear it, and it's just...

So you're performing for the first 300 people. Not even like, I mean, you can only see like the first two rows, but like you see how vast it is. That's crazy. Yeah. It's really cool. It's cool. It's, it's just electric. You can feel the energy in there. Thousand. Yeah. Sanity. That is because our first, we did like 500. We're now we're moving to a thousand seat venues, which we're super thankful. All y'all. Thank you so much for that level. Turns out a lot of y'all motherfuckers is autistic.

And you like showing up to these shows. You're like, yes, we'll be there. I'm like, what the fuck? Oh my God. This is terrifying. But 8,000 is that next level where you like walk up there and you're like, yeah, no, it was just like, but it was only one time I did 8,000 people. It's not like I constantly do that. Who were you open up for? Theo. Theo Vaughn. Oh God. Yeah. No, that was, yeah.

It's crazy. So writing, reading, what kind of books are you into reading? Are you into like, hey, I love to read comedy or are you more into sci-fi, fantasy fiction? It depends. I really like nonfiction, like self-help books sometimes when I'm going through it, like just self-development. How many times do you go, that's your life so far? Every once in a while when I feel like,

I'm not doing good. I'll be like, oh, this is something I need to work on. Then I'll look for books on that to try to learn about it. But then when I'm just like, just for fun, I'll read like murder mystery kind of like thriller type of books. You like your murder porn? No, just, you know, regular, regular, regular, just good old, good old fashioned murder. Yeah.

No, I'm trying to think of the last book that I read that was... Fuck, I forgot what it's called. What is it about? I'm blanking out now. No pressure. I'm sorry, now I can't think of... Half a million people watch it. I know.

Do you listen to the murder podcast? I used to listen to the murder podcast. Now she just does it. She just kills people. Specifically her neighbor's dog. No, I can't do that.

That's her offset. She can change into a dinosaur, but she only kills innocent people. She's got the Matt Carriker offset. She has to kill a dog to change. She's like, shit, how do I blend in? That's her former Watson, all cool guy. We're just like, Jesus fuck, she's so weird.

She has to continually convince her neighbor to keep getting more shelter puppies. She'd get another puppy. Yeah. Don't let it get you down. It's only the eighth one this week. It's not the dog's fault. I know that. I feel bad for saying I want to kill it. I just haven't slept. All I'm saying is flank steak can fit underneath the door frame soaked in antifreeze. Oh, you're right. Yeah.

I don't know with that clip. You do you. We're giving tips on like... Cody's sliding a fucking steak under. I felt like the fallout like negative 50 dogs after putting that clip on the internet. Animals. What other books? Okay, you have when you're... Sorry.

minus the book you're reading now that you don't remember what are some series where you're like, Hey, I really enjoy this one. I'm big into self-help. We talk about this all the time, like self-help motivational, or when you're going through shit, like, Hey, how do I get through this? Add to my tool belt. So I can learn stronger and learn. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy concept. Yeah. Um, I don't know why I'm blanking out on all the names. I've read so many of them. Uh, not nice. That's a book that I really liked that really helped me. Uh,

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***. That's a good one. That was a good one. Yeah, that was a good one. I've never read Not Nice. Not Nice is good. And especially, like, I was raised...

in a really Catholic household. So I was raised to be super polite and just feeling really guilty about everything. And that book really addresses a lot of like lucky brother. Yeah. A lot of that stuff. So, so that's a way not nice. Stop people. Oh, people pleasing, staying silent or feeling guilty and start. And I'm still working on that, but that one really helped me. Like a lot of the things he was talking about, um,

I resonated with. And just like that guilt pretty much is something that you don't have to feel guilty most of the time. Like saying no. Like say... Go back to your previous joke. Oh, no. The pickup line. What?

That's where it comes from. Like what a good book. No, he talks about doing things like just saying no to people, even for things that would be really easy to say yes. Like some, one of his coworkers was like, Hey, can you help me do this? And he was like, no. And he's just like, he seems like a dick, but it's okay. Like it's just about overcoming the judgments of,

that you're worried about people having about you and just setting boundaries and i'm really bad at that because i get really anxious if i feel like someone doesn't like me which is why i've been so nervous this whole podcast because i'm saying up stuff and i'm like oh god people are going to hate me they're like man she was a really good pg-13 episode that's gonna be the comments like she should come back that was hilarious we work on that uh sav that's one thing we've worked on a it is being okay to be like hey like i am

I just need communication and I just want directness because it makes life so much easier. So it is like, Hey, just say why you're don't want to do that or you want to do that. And then we can move forward because if it's that weird, like, I'm just, do you want to move? Do you want to help me move? And you're like, ah, okay. And then you show up. When people ask me to hang out, I always want to say no, but then I have, I'm like, yeah, but then I don't want to.

Chase, put that out there. That is 100% what we're talking about right now. That's the only reason you're here right now. We just pressured you enough. Honestly, a little bit. Oh, God. It's working. Let's get Ice Cube on. We just kept pressuring her and she caved. Yeah, but that's something I'm working on. I'm working on setting better boundaries. I'm not very good with that.

I think that goes to a lot of people on is something difficult saying no setting boundaries, especially when you're doing this, where you are in your career, you have that point where you can be like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to open up for them. I want here's my pay rate. It affects every aspect of your life. And if you don't communicate that, because it's hard, sometimes your average person hates saying no, period. Yeah.

Yeah. Relationships, whatever it is, business partners, a lot of times it's like, oh, okay, we'll figure, yeah, whatever. Yeah, I feel like I've gotten a lot better at it, but I still am working on it. I mean, it's always like, you're always a work in progress. And for my fun books, I just remember like The Housemaid. That's one of the books that I really enjoyed. It's just, it's a murder.

It's like a murder mystery one. It's like a thriller. I'm trying to think of other ones, but that kind of genre. Freedom McFadden. I like all of her books, too. Do you have six bucks? Paperback. You just had me looking through my Amazon cart. Or my Amazon...

And I've seen some of these, like Thank You For My Service by Matt Best. I'm looking through previous fucking downloaded... Yeah, purchases or downloads. Like, ah, yeah, I've read a lot of this stuff. Like Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday. A lot of these, I really like.

self-help stuff. Like I almost exclusively read nonfiction because I just enjoy it. Dude, those, those books though are how I truly believe if you want to be a better person, it's that therapy. Those are your two key, like your aspects in life. It's like, Hey, how do I get ahead? Or, Hey, how do I get this?

motivation because leading up to your big jump from I am doing insurance and now I'm going to do this giant step. Any help be, did you read a book? And I read all self-help books, like a year worth of self-help books where I was like, finally, like,

Yeah, I just got, it was like basically pep talks that I got from reading these self-help books. And it helped though, right? Yeah, it did. It did help. And would you change anything from that? Like, it was probably terrifying doing that jump. Yeah, but it's so rewarding to do, to just go past that anxiety and then you're like,

Oh, I feel brave. Like that's how you get confidence. I feel like is you do stuff that you're anxious about and then you realize, oh, I can do it. And then you get a little more confident. Then you do the next hard thing and then you get more confident. And that's and then when you stop doing that, that's when you start losing confidence because I don't know that for me anyway, I'm also kind of a. No, I think it's really true.

I'm a head case. Yeah. The stare at surrounding people. Well, I think it's really interesting too because like back before I was successful in any right, like I was broke as shit. I was driving around a $3,000 flood car with no AC, no electronics, whatever. Like I was constantly listening to audio books in my $29 gas station, like Bluetooth headset.

I was listening to self-help stuff and just like people who I wanted to be like or people that I was learning from who had experience that I thought was valuable. And I learned from that. And I spent years doing that. Broke as hell. And I feel like that's not to put too fine a point on it. I feel like that is a lot of what led me into the mindset that allowed me to succeed. Yeah. David Goggins, too. That's another one that I read his book and I

basically after reading his book I was like I can go run for three miles my knees my ankles it's all mental like it's just in my head it's just being lazy and it was just so inspiring I mean he's kind of insane but good you know

All that, literally all I do every time I'm at the gym, that is every day, five days a week, it is motivational speeches on YouTube while I lift weights. Eli, do you listen to music in the gym? No. I have my motivational speech when I click on like, motivational is going to be like, yep, well, okay.

What do you want to listen to, bro? Don't. You cannot give up. I'll click that and then listen to that when I work out the entire time because then I'm like, I suck. I either listen to shit like that. It's so much harder. When I'm going like super hard gym time, I either do shit like that or I listen to Sabaton. There is no in between.

Two choices. This is it. It's either that or like I'm benching the Bismarck. Well, I do. I truly believe that's what gets, it's what separates everyone, especially like the people sitting at this table. It is. Okay. I'm going to be uncomfortable for you. How long did you live in a hostel for? A year. A year. Yeah. Holy fuck.

That's how I wanted to meet people. I was like, a hostel, that's how I can meet people. And they're not going to be stuck-up people that live in hostels. They're going to be cool people that are kind of doing the same thing. People that give you acid. People that give you acid on the first night. The first night? Yeah, it was the first or the second night. It was very soon. And I was like...

Well, I'm in a good state of mind. I've read all these self-help books. I feel good. Like, you're not supposed to do psychedelics if you're in a bad place because it makes you have a bad trip. But I was pretty confident I was going to have a good trip on it just because of how good I was feeling about myself, like, doing this stuff. And I was right. It was a good trip. They put on a hostel. You're like, no, no, no, no. No, no. It was a good trip. The movie hostel? Yeah, the movie hostel. Oh, no. You're tripping balls. Damn, they cut that eyeball off. Holy fuck.

- Uh oh. But that's where you got to your next step where you're like, you did that for a year, which is insanity to me. - I had a lot of fun though. I made like a lot of really good friends that I'm still friends with. And I even live with one of the people I met in the hostel and he's great. I'm very trusting though, because we live together like after not knowing each other for that long, honestly. And, but he's great and worked out, so. - Pays the bills.

I mean, we both do. I hope. Yeah. I'm freeloading. Coach is about to take off. I let him know that next month's going to be the big break. But he gives me acid. Still giving me acid, though. We're fucking on top of it. It reminds me of the DiGiorno's thing, I think it was. It was the why I stayed, the hashtag why I stayed.

It's like domestic abuse survivors talking about their experience. And then DiGiorno hops on Twitter like hashtag why I stayed. He gave me pizza. Dead serious. This was actual Twitter? Actual Twitter. Their intern thought that that was a good idea. I'm more amazed that they hired somebody to give them the social media and that social media person was like,

Maybe he wanted to get fired. Maybe he was like... That's a rad way of quiet quitting. Yeah, but it worked probably. Everybody knew about DiGiorno after that. True. I saw that and bought a fucking pizza, dude. It was awesome. It's like, now I want to try the pizza.

Hell yeah, brother. Pepperoni, extra cheese. What made you want to try this pizza? Beats me. And...

After show. I know. Holy shit. We can just go right to the after show after that one. After that fucking beat. After that beat? Yeah. Sorry. Jesus Christ. Cody, send us to the after show. Guys, thank you for joining the unsubscribe podcast today with a girl.

There's a girl. I'm joined today by Eli Double Tap, Christina Mariani, Brandon Herrera, myself, Don and Operator. Thank you so much. Check out the after show on Patreon. And where do we find your stuff? Oh, on Instagram. C-R-I-I-M-A-R-I-I.

Creamery. It sounds gross. I didn't realize it would sound gross. I am creamery. I make f***ing jokes. See you guys in the afternoon. Bye.

You're welcome.