Trump Is Applying His Make Up Wrong Ft. Suzanne Lambert
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Rise and shine, fever dreamers. Look alive, my friends. I'm V Spear. And I'm Sammy Sage. And this is American Fever Dream presented by Betches News. Where we explore the absurdities and oddities of our uniquely American experience. Here we are. Here we are in a different setting than usual. We are. With a different guest than usual. Hi. We have three guests today. Three guests. All bitches. All bitches. Only one with verbal abilities. Yes. It's our favorite cunt from the

from the internet, Suzanne Lambert. Hi. Suzanne Lambert, everyone is obsessed with you right now. We're so lucky to have you today. Oh my God, I'm so happy to be here. Who are you? Where did you come from? Oops. Um, I'm a

I hail from Kennesaw, Georgia. I live in D.C. now, but I'm a comedian. I'm just a gal who talks a little shit, a lot of shit, and some people love it and some people hate it. And I've made a living out of it, which is very cool. That's my dream. We personally love it and think that this is something that has been missing from not just the Democratic Party. I mean, I think what we have to differentiate is mean for a cause versus mean for a cause.

because you are a bully and you have, you feel shitty about yourself. Right. Right. I think people have to realize that not all comment that's negative is bullying. No. Right. And like, I think it's totally valid for people not to like it and not to like me. Like, I'm like, you're allowed to have a negative opinion. That's totally fair. You not liking it doesn't mean it's inherently wrong though.

Right. I also think that you tend to make fun, you know, you're making fun of Republican makeup, which is a thing. I think those people are, you know, it's a punch up. It's that and also they can change their makeup. It's a choice, girl. It's not an immutable trait. You don't have to wear bright coral blush. You can go and get one that matches your undertones. Yeah. Some women have been like, this has been really helpful. Like even like conservative women have been like,

This was funny. Or like this helped me change my look. Right. Like you can learn a few things. What I keep trying to push and I find much easier said than done is that we're

Republicans, like, and the right, basically, the way they got through with, like, Joe Rogan and all of that is that they reached into, like, cultural things, like sports, interests that are not, like, innately politics. And the left does not do that. So it's, like, by bringing the makeup thing in, by making it about lifestyle, I think that, like, more people have to be talking about lifestyle in a way that's just imbued with liberal values. And you don't have to, like, make everything

about that first. Yes. It's like you copied and pasted my brain. How I think of it is like we don't need liberals talking

talking about politics in a cool way. We need cool liberals talking about politics. Yes. Yes. We just need cool people who talk about politics amongst other things. Right? Well, part of the way you do it is fun because it also has some nostalgia to it. Because when you are doing like your straight to camera stuff, I'm like, that's Tracy Flick. That's very like Reese Witherspoon in that movie election. Right. Or sometimes you're giving like a little sweet home Alabama, but it's always that like snarky, smart,

I don't have patience for you, but I will still take time to try and help you against my perhaps better judgment. I think people sound genuinely insane when they're like,

two wrongs don't make a right. Like this is mean, this is rude. I'm like, they just posted a deportation ASMR video. And you're telling me that telling them to blend their contour, which is valid, good advice. That is not an appropriate response. Do you hear yourselves? Also, it's just such like a dumb way of looking at the world. Like there's way more than two wrongs in the world. There are so many wrongs and I support all of women's wrongs.

The other thing I like about the way that you do it is these, you are targeting in it or you're reacting really not even targeting to a group of people who are very comfortable making fun of the way that other people look and live their lives. So these are women who are constantly in trans people's business, constantly policing who looks feminine enough to be in a bathroom or whatever the case may be. And for them to have to feel a little bit of that burn is like, oh, if you refuse to exemplify empathy for anyone else, well, now I'm going to have to make you feel it.

Yeah. Because I've been biting my tongue and guess what? My trans friends are way nicer than me. They're not going to attack me in the way I will. They blend their contour. They mind their business. So they're not going to say it, but I will. Like I'm not like, look, we've, I've done a lot of work on myself since high school, but I can channel that when I need to.

Same. And they shouldn't have to take the heat because it's trans people who are actually going to be suffering most at first from these things. Every 90s, 2000s coming of age movie has the pretty popular girl who eventually sticks up for the marginalized people and that's the lesson. How did you get funny? Oh my God. How did I get funny? What is your trauma? Share with us because you know that funniness comes from trauma. I'm so happy you asked. Sure. I'm one of six kids. I'm the fourth. Oh my gosh. So like,

You have to kind of like fight for a seat at the table like literally. Like literally. Like you're wearing like an outfit. It's like a folding chair. You know what I mean? Yeah. No. Exactly. So I was always just like very into like performing, like on the fireplace, like singing. You know, all kinds of things. Of course. Right? Yeah. And then I – my parents had like a very dramatic divorce. And I feel like that kind of like –

Was like the trauma. In Georgia, no less. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. I moved from Virginia to Georgia, which was like a huge culture shock. DC and Georgia are, I mean, totally different places, essentially. They might as well be on different planets. I just kind of forged my way. So in college, my first taste of comedy was I ran our skit for Sorority Rush. I did too. You did?

Yes, I was a star. Yeah, but I was like, oh, making people laugh is fun. And then I just wanted to do it a lot. It is. I don't know. Yeah. Like it's intoxicating. But then you were like, before I make people laugh, I'm going to be a finance girly. Oh, yeah. So yeah. So I, up until a month ago, was like full-time corporate girly, worked in financial services for like almost a decade. I was doing this

you know, talking shit online and that like, and it was a lot. So now I just do this and it's great. This is much more fun. I watched a TikTok that said that you're a, you're a fucking op. Oh, sorry. Yeah. No, she's not getting paid by the Democrats to do messaging. Should we backtrack? Because the Democrats definitely very heavily invest in creators. Yeah. That's one thing I know about them. I can tell you, this is a real fact. They do not.

There's no money. Yeah, no. Never received a single nickel. Also, no offense. No, you would kill as a turning point. If you were willing to sell your soul out to the world. You would have $5 million in your pocket right now. I'd be a millionaire. I think about this all the time. I would be their first woman. Yeah, literally. If you're on the right and you do anything remotely online and you're not mad famous, it's a skills issue. Right.

Aren't you the one who found out that Donald Trump uses color corrector all over his face? It's the orange that you would put normally just under your eyes or something? Yeah, so it neutralizes blue tones. So if your eyes are really blue right there, maybe you have a bruise, for example, a makeup artist might put that there. But then you put stuff over it. How did you learn all this?

obsessive research. Yeah. So you just like makeup. You're very good at your makeup. And I love makeup. I love beauty. So much to sponsor you. But yeah, he uses color corrector all over his face, which like for people unfamiliar, that would be like wearing your socks on the outside of your shoes. Like it's not ever meant to be seen. If it's seen, that's like the problem. Right. And he uses it everywhere. And he started using it on his hands. Did y'all see that the other day? Because he has a bruise. Because of his bruising. What do you think that is? CNIV? CNIV.

Could be. He's very thin these days. Or not like thin. He's not thin. He's definitely on Zem. He's 100%. Wait, you think? Yeah, go look at anything if you see him like eight years ago, four years ago even. Go look at him yesterday at the Elon track.

trash. I saw Trump. So when I attended the joint address last week, which feels like a year ago, I was like three feet away from him. Um, he looks very tired and old in person more so than I thought. I, his makeup looked better in person. I thought he looked like good for himself at the joint address reluctantly. His makeup looked better than usual. He looks

He is. Which is good. He's also very old. Man. Look, he could still, though, make it like another 10 years. His father lived to like 90-something, but he was like very senile. I don't know. We got it. Look.

It's all in God's hands. It'll happen someday. God's plan is always perfect. This is what – because folks are like, V, how do we get through this? I can't handle it. You a little bit have to surrender and just decide that you will outlive this. You will outlive this. And so we just have to wait. It's just a waiting game. You don't have to be active every second in the resistance. No. Be active sometimes and other times just be like, I have made a choice that I will outlive this. Pick your things. Yeah.

And your moments. We should talk about, because this is the vibe that we have for today's show. We were at this little event last night and was it Gloria Steinem? I believe. Was it Gloria Steinem? Or was it Betty Friedan? Was it Diane von Furstenberg? Was it Rhoda Faha? It's wild. So,

Gloria Steinem was like, you need to be friends with women in your community. You need to just start inviting bitches over for coffee. She didn't say it like that, but that's what I heard. Oh, I was thinking I want to turn this apartment into Gloria's new apartment. We could, right? This is the thing. People come over. I love having people over. My mom had a lot of friends that she hated. And they used to sit around on Thursdays. Name and shame. Yes. Patty. Patty.

She never liked you. And Debbie, she never liked you. Are they alive? I don't care. My mother's safely moved away from our hometown in Florida. And Maureen loves to talk shit. But she used to invite these bitches over on Thursdays for what was called Coffee Club. And there was 12 of them. And they'd make a quiche and do whatever and listen to the police scanner. And she didn't like a lot of those bitches.

What's crazy though is that like she invited people over that she didn't like. I don't even invite people over that I do like. We have to start inviting women and creating communities of women. Even if we don't totally like them, start with your friends and neighbors who lives next door to you. Be weird about it. Be like, I want to start having women over for coffee.

You guys should move here. I'll invite you over. I don't know if I've even told you this. So your book, Democracy in Retrograde, and this is totally true that you co-wrote with Emily. You talked about like a way to be active is by like

talking to your neighbors, right? Yes. And like, I've always talked with my neighbors. We're like all very cool. Like it's such like a great community. But like my neighbor had mentioned that she had to rehome her cat. Something happened. So I was like, why don't I like volunteer to like take her cat to the event, which I wouldn't have done had I not like read your book. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm so happy. I wouldn't have you up

of it. You would have thought about it for like that purpose. And she, I knew she like kind of would need some company because her cat was being rehomed. And she mentioned that she could knit. And I was like, oh, like I would love for you to teach me sometime. And she was like, yeah, let me know. And I was like, okay, how about Monday? Yeah, you got to keep it going. Right. You have to actually do it. You have to stop saying, oh, we should.

Pull up your phone. Yeah. Be weird about it. And if people don't want to, then they're weird. Like if they don't want to hang out with you, they're weird. Well, right. Or they just like don't, you know, or they're busy. And now we know. Yeah. That's what I tell myself. It's not always personal. It's actually not though. Yeah. But so now every Monday we have a knitting circle. Yeah. You have to be weird about it and just like talk to people.

And I do think like the talking to people will save our democracy or I don't know, will save, recover in some way because it's like part of what I think is the issue is, and this isn't like astoundingly new, but people are only talking to each other online and they see mean comments, not like, you know, our, more like they see intolerance.

from people who they mostly would agree with often or they see like extremely crazy shit from the people who they would never agree with. And

That makes you think when more of your time is spent on that than it is having real conversations like this, you believe that's the world. You like for days and days, that's just what your brain is processing. And it becomes like that is reality. It's only this or this. And people, because they feel lonely, like want to jump in. They're not having enough like groundedness in their real lives. And that just makes everyone like deeply intolerant and angry and

And they think that this is real, but like that's not real. What's real is like working through real things in person and disagreeing and, you know, and just kind of like maintaining contact and connection even if you don't totally agree. Yeah. Yeah.

And I just, yeah, I think it's like the actual talking that is the work. She also said after she said get together with women, she said there's a reason why solitary confinement is considered the worst punishment. And also like a war crime in some cases. It's a civil rights violation to be in solitary confinement for too long. And that hit me too. I was like, you know what? There is a time to be alone and maybe we've had a lot of that time and maybe the pendulum is swinging the other way where we could just be together and be like –

you know what? Come over for a while, hang out, do whatever. Like, let's chat. I can't wait to hang out with my friends. I couldn't wait to come here this morning. Same. I was like, this is a good day. We get to like – She was like, can you come over early? I was like, can I? Yeah. I was at the gay bars last night and I still woke up, you know, chipper and ready to go with my extension still in my head. If you are avoiding people for a reason that's not like singular to this moment or like, you know, sometimes you're tired. Sometimes you're – Yeah, exactly. Like,

Yeah. Systemic avoidance. Okay. Yes. That's a great term for it. It's like systemic avoidance of interaction because it's hard to look someone in the eye. It's hard to like have a moment of like,

What do I say next? You get in your head a little second. And like that's like normal parts of life. People just don't want to have to think about that like awkward moment they're going to be with someone and it's like, oh, there might be a silence. It's like, okay, well then you just – that's people. You just have to lean into it. Yeah. But my suspicion is that people don't have like a strong enough sense of self to navigate these things. So it's like if people don't internally kind of figure this out, then we're not going to get anywhere. Yeah.

I had some friendships that were from high school, but I was a different person in high school. As we all are. And I grew up and out of it. And some of the folks didn't grow up and out of it. And so in therapy, my therapist was like, when's the last time you felt on the same page as this person? And I was like, I don't know, probably like high school. Wow, that's a great question. And they said, how old are you now? And I was like 40 at the time I was 40. Oh my God. And they were like, yeah, and 17 year olds aren't friends with 40 year olds. You grew up and they didn't. You can't possibly stay in that same vibe. The life that you lead-

is different. And where you think that you're like providing opportunity or carrying people or giving them all these cool new things, they feel like you're dragging them because they're happy with the life that they have, even though it was too small a life for you. You can't do that. Any kind of stride or success that I had was like perceived as like a weird threat. Tall poppy syndrome is the phrase, I think. What is it? Tall poppy syndrome. Oh yeah. Cause the pop

Can you explain it? So like I think poppy flowers, this is like the general idea is like poppy flowers, like if one gets too tall, they'll sort of like pull it down with the roots or whatever. So I think it's like they want to keep themselves like more even. And I think that that's sort of psychologically what women can do to each other. Yeah. And like I, you know, I had different –

like my views on everything start changing. When you're in a mix of people who are so different than the people you grew up with, like everything starts changing like in a very rapid way because instead of hearing about people in the third person, you're hearing from them. And that's like a very powerful, it changes everything, right? Yeah. And like, I remember my first time I did comedy and I like posted my set and I was so proud of myself. And like, I like alluded to like making fun of my married friends. It was so harmless. I mean, I didn't even cut.

And they were so pissed. Like, they made my moment about them. But I think what you're speaking to is, like... It's okay to leave that island where your friends were. It doesn't have to be a warm thing. It's just, like, that was it. That was all the time we got. And I'm grateful for that time. I am. Just time's up. And I, like, laugh at... I still, like, laugh fondly at, like, a lot of the memories. Like...

And this is like – and this is I think like a thing that women do to each other is that like our choices or other women's choices or other people's choices kind of become a referendum on our own. But it's like it doesn't really need to be – and I try to like think about this all the time. I think about it because like I'm not someone who has kids. A lot of my friends have kids and I'm like not sure how I feel about the whole thing. Same. Yeah. It's like – so I've had to like think to myself like –

I'm happy with my choice. What their choices are have nothing to do with me and my choice has nothing to do with them. And it's like that I think is something that people really struggle with once we get out of the like you go to school, you go to college, you get a job. Once you get out of that sort of like linear path, it becomes like much harder for people to just see their own choices in a vacuum. Yeah. And like I never hated on their – like I'm like choose the life you want. Why do you have such a problem with me doing that?

Also, like, why can't people make fun of themselves? Like, there's so much to make fun of. I love being roasted. I had a roast for my birthday. I had a roast. I want to be roasted. I love when people talk shit to me. Me too. It's funny. That's how I know you love me. Same. And you see me. That's how I learn. That's how I know you see me. Yeah, dude. And, like, aren't afraid. Tell me about myself. Same. Right. That's how I know you aren't afraid to, like, be honest. Yes. And I trust you. Right. And also, it's like, that's a deeper relationship than one where you're just like –

Yeah. I have three brothers. There is a line because my wife had to tell me that I have friends that are mean to me and I'm not friends with those same people. Well, that's hopeful. When we were first dating, Natalie was like, you know that that girl's mean to you. I was like, no, she's not. That's just how she is. Oh, point her out. I know. Yeah. At least you're off it. She's mean to you. And I was like, oh. But-

So she's mean because she's there. There is this universal experience that I was listening to some other tick tocker say, who was like every woman by the time she's 30 has gone to a wedding, maybe been in the wedding and absolutely.

And after that wedding, never seen that girl again for the rest of their life. They never talk about it, but we all have a friend. We went to their wedding and then we just never spoke to them again. Nothing happened. We were just like, well, that's it. We got to where we needed to. We're done. We're done. I don't know if I've never spoken to people again, but definitely less. I definitely have had that experience. Because it's honestly, it's like a parting point, I think. Okay. You're his partner.

Yeah, exactly. But it's also like that with Brandon.

That also has to do with like the invitations. Like that's like has to do with like the invitation culture. Like who gets invited? Do you invite them because they were just like part of this group? I've been full in people's wedding. That's wild. That's wild. That is really crazy. When we get back, we're going to put Suzanne on the spot. It's comedy hour. It's time for you to be the show pony. Oh boy. We've talked a lot and we're going to have her come up with counter arguments to the culture wars.

We're back. These microphones dead, so they're going to kind of share. I'm going to be watching. Yeah, we're going to be watching and sharing. What we're doing for this segment is...

We're going to talk about the culture war. And I'm just so sick of this shit. And you're funny and creative. And I think that the Democrats need some help coming up with some better arguments for like what their points are. Yeah. So we're going to run through a couple of ideas, a couple of topics. And we're going to workshop better answers. Okay. I love that. I'm going to give you my first example. Yeah. Okay. When people talk about DEI, say, okay, so you, 80-year-old senator, think that if you had to get a real job in the real workforce, that's

That you would not be discriminated against for your age and therefore would need DEI policies to get that job. Right. And it's not a problem you're familiar with. It's also like who, what job have you not gotten because of, and who took it from you? Like give me an example. Name them. Name them.

Yeah. Point them out. Exactly. The next thing we're going to do it for is trans rights. Yeah. Why are trans people such a big deal? Why are we getting so be in our bonnet over this? I always say like, I'm like, they're trying to distract you from the fact that you're getting poorer and they're using trans people as...

A scapegoat. I also think, and I've said this on the show many times, it's fundamentally creepy to talk this much on a national stage about children's genitals. It's so weird, dude. It's so weird. And I think we need to bring back Tim Walz's lines about this because it's fucking creepy. Like, why is this a national problem? Deal with the parents, deal with their doctor, deal with their school.

And if you think, first of all, how much time are y'all spending in public bathrooms? Why do you talk about them so much? I avoid public bathrooms at all costs. Correct. Do y'all not go before you leave the house? Yeah. Go. If you're in public bathrooms that often, go to a doctor. Yeah. You need, what's a stomach doctor? You're a bladder. You have a bladder issue. You need to get checked for something. If you're spending that much time in public bathrooms.

Also, why are you observing the people in the bathroom so intensely? Also, men don't need to dress as women to abuse women in bathrooms. They just do it anyway. Right. The biggest issue is the bodily autonomy that trans people have is in direct opposition to what they know as gender roles. And then they get like...

I think they get a little jealous. I think they're like, they want attention. They want attention, but they also don't want anyone else to, they think that trans people feel special. And it's like, we don't feel special. We just, especially not when you're so mean. Yeah. You're, we just leave us alone. Like feel special somewhere else, but they cannot see trans people's bodily autonomy and square that with their like rigid idea of success, which is like performing a gender role. And they're like, I don't understand trans people. I'm like,

No one asked. I don't understand aerospace engineering. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not like flagging down rocket ships to tell them they can't launch until I learn to understand it. Until I check their genitals. I don't... Like if someone tells me that they want to be referred to as a certain way or they feel like I believe them. Right. Who care? Okay. What about Doge? What's your take on Doge? Well...

Anyone who has the time to film herself making Francesca's BOGO clearance outfit of the day videos to her five followers should not be telling the government how to be more efficient.

Yeah. Also, have you ever seen like a federal worker, um, do this? Like, sorry. Have you ever seen a federal worker do a get ready with me before this administration? Cause I sure haven't. No. And it's so like, I, so I live, you know, in DC and when I was on, when I would look at my rent, the runway app, it would be like popular in your area. Um,

The most tragic. Like, it was insulting, but, like, they didn't realize it was insulting. Like, these, like, terrible sheath dresses. Like, the fashion is so bad. And I would love to see, like, a cute political girly on the hill, like, show her cute outfits. You should do that. Yeah.

But they don't know how. So it was just like the most tragic thing I've ever seen. You could be like the Cher Horowitz to these poor sad souls. Let's do a makeover. I'll help them. I'm like, I'll help Republicans. People are like, don't help them. I'm like –

No, I don't want the people in power to look the way that they do. Like that's embarrassing for all of us. Right. And also like you could stealthily change their minds by the, like, it's like, you don't have to be like this. And that's happened. Like I have, I was telling you last night, like a lot of conservative women follow me. That's the way in. I'm telling you through something that is not like innately political. Half of my followers are from Georgia and Florida. Look at that. Yeah. Like it's the South.

But Florida is its own thing. Republicans like talking shit. That's what people misunderstand. I'm like, no, no, no. They like a mean joke. Yes, they do. They love it. They literally like, they think it's hilarious. They have a better sense of humor. Like my, like. They didn't used to, but now they do. Agreed. They didn't used to, like 10 years ago. Our more conservative crowds, like when I perform, they're a way more fun audience. Like I'll, I will say. You know what I hate to admit? Donald Trump is funny. Like, wow. Everything's computer.

Look, the man would have been so much happier if he had been like, yes, it's funny. I'm sorry. It's funny. I laugh. I laugh out loud. He did say something in the joint address that actually did make me laugh. Pocahontas. You like that one? Oh God. What was it? Canada, Mexico. Ever heard of it? LGBTQI plus.

I'm like, hey, he got the plus in there. He was CA, but he got the plus. Yeah. Look, he's – look, it's funny. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The reason you know it's funny is because it doesn't work when any of the rest of them do it because they're not funny. And we talked about this. You were like – Yes. You were like, Republicans just need like a reality TV room. Yes. A reality TV Congress. Yes. Yes. Yes. Like alternative Congress where they think they're doing Congress, but it's a reality TV show. It's like Big Brother. The ratings would crush. Yes. I would watch it. It's like reality TV span. Yes.

That's what we're calling it. And get out of Congress and just do that. Yeah. And then the old ones go to the retirement, congressional retirement community and it's the whole thing. God willing. Here's what I think is the problem with Doge.

They've actually proven that the government's kind of more efficient than I think most people thought because they went on their wall of receipts and like the three biggest things are like not even accurate. The three biggest waste examples they found, it's like one they claimed was 8 billion. It was actually only 8 million. Everyone they fired, oops, it's actually zero. It's also like everyone they fire is like a

A very critical role, like the Ebola doctors and like the people who like literally just invent everything that, sorry, this sounds really stupid. It's like, I'm trying, I'm like, I'm trying to, I can't think of a single other thing the government does. Yeah. We're back in South Carolina with the South Carolina pageant girl. By the way, where is she?

She should cut out on this podcast. You know, I can't, like, I'm like, I can't think about a single other thing, but they know really like they administer the entire government. They send out your social security. They administer all these grants. They manage the government contractors who actually are the ones who carry out government services in many cases. Right.

And what they have, they have not found like a ton of fraud and waste. Like the things that they listed for like sex changes and like Mozambique or whatever. Like, I think a lot of these things were like, they're transing the mice.

If they have to trans the mice. Right, right, the transgenic mice. If they have to trans their patients, then they should trans the mice. Right, right, right. So they think if you listen to imaginary things, do you believe that this is an efficient use of the government? And then they're firing people, but they have to, even the buyouts, quote unquote, that they're offering are stupid because they're basically telling people like, don't work, but we'll pay you. Maybe they won't. But either way, none of this saves that much money. No.

And what I think is so insulting, like these men own businesses, right? Like, you know, some more successful. Well, why do they have such successful businesses? That's what I think the question is now that we can look back and it's like, how were you so successful? Because people and investors just gave you money because they thought that you were like their cousin's friend from Harvard and that you have like a legit resume and you sound confident like a man. So they gave you money.

And that's why your businesses are successful. If I got millions of dollars in federal grants from the federal government, I could also run a much more profitable business, I think. Well, right. And like having worked in change management for a long time in my previous life, the way that they are doing, like let's talk about the fact that the government isn't efficient. If you want me to talk to you about how

like contracts are awarded and how like corrupt all of it is. Happy to talk about that. Like, yeah, let's do that. But like business, you would never just eliminate entire departments. You come up with a plan, you come up with a succession plan, you come up with like, you do an analysis, but they're doing numbers. Like,

You don't just eliminate entire departments. A business would never operate that way. And they know that. So why are you treating the government? Why aren't you treating the government like a business? If you're such a good businessman, you know that this doesn't work. Well, I mean, OK, this is, I think, a good argument that we should be making.

The government shouldn't be run like a business because it is the entity that enables all of the businesses in America to be valid. That's the only reason that you can start a business in America is because the business is backed by the conceptual faith and

that people have in the federal government that this shit will just totally collapse. It won't. Exactly. And the reason I said, just to clarify, because everyone's like, well, he's such a good businessman. No, he's actually a terrible businessman. And they use that as, well, we know that, right? But I mean, they are rich. So people think rich. They're rich because it's on fucking paper. Because they exploit you and blah, blah, blah. No, it's not even that. It's on paper.

on paper. Tesla would collapse if the stock price weren't trading at a ridiculous multiple of its price to earnings. It doesn't make any sense. His own stock price doesn't make any sense. No. The sale, it doesn't track. This is all because he's Elon Musk, friends with Donald Trump. Yeah. But the reason I said run it like a business then is because they always use that. Conservatives always say he's such a good businessman. I'm like, okay, well, if that's true, which we know it's not.

Why isn't he using those principles of business then? Because this isn't how anything works. And also like the fact that they peddle these ideas that these are good businessmen, like no, they're not. Donald Trump's business is like a tiny little business. Like the Trump organization was like –

A little family business. It's not like- It was a little family business until Bayrock bought two floors on Trump Tower. Bayrock, the Russian real estate organization, and boosted him, floated him through the 90s. There was supposed to be Trump Tower Moscow. They were trying to make like a Las Vegas Moscow. Donald Trump Jr. has said that the Russians are an outsized portion of their assets. The Russians have been putting money into the Trump family since 1987. Oh, I didn't know that. I know.

And that's when they first told him he should run for president. This goes back to Putin and the KGB. And this is the problem with having such a geriatric government is the fact that the shit that they were doing when they were yuppie boomers in the 80s and on a bunch of blow and in the best economy ever, they now want to keep that going for themselves now, but they ruined it. But he's had Russian money...

Forever. You know, if I were that age in the 80s, I think I would remember the Cold War well enough to figure out what's going on. But I don't know. I genuinely think some of these people are just stupid. Because if you believe that Donald Trump is an example of a good businessman in the sense that most people would understand it.

you are on something. Can I say something funny? So when I was looking at hotels to come here, I was like, you know, like on the Amex travel platform and there's like the fine hotels and resorts program. The Trump hotel is on there. The cheapest hotel in the fine hotels and resorts program by hundreds of dollars. I was crying, laughing. I'm like, Ooh, that's humiliating. And they offered like the best incentive to stay there too, in terms of like property credit. Cause no one wants to.

it was over $100. Yeah. Like most places like they give you like $100. It was like $100 plus like other things. Okay. And they'd upgrade you to like, you know. It was like cheaper by a mile. I was like, ooh, so embarrassing. I screenshotted it. It was like $400 cheaper. That doesn't surprise me at all. They're not like nice hotels. Like there's nothing he's – look, if you go bankrupt in the casino business –

Well, it's not the wall anymore. It's not anymore. Yeah. But like unfortunately the lobby is gorgeous. Also like that's a building that was – he didn't build that. No. You didn't build that. Wow. Retro. Killed it. Yeah. I love that comment. No, really. Like he is – look, like just –

Look, a woman could never do it. If a woman tries to do that, you're Elizabeth Holmes. Like that is the scammest – that is the closest you could get to the scamming and that's where you end up if you're a woman scammer. And people love for men to have money.

People love when men have money. Like Dave Portnoy can like go on and talk about how he's winning millions in bets and like, and he should be able to do that. I don't care. Like let rich people be rich people. I love hearing from rich people. God forbid a woman does it. Oh, she's terrible. It's so interesting how men are allowed to be wealthy, but women are not. And if you are, you're bad. Yes. Yes. Oh, you're not giving enough money. Yes. So like McKenzie Scott, right? They don't talk about what, how she built a lot of Amazon and everything. They talk about how much charity she does.

Right. Well, raising Jeff Bezos was charity too. And even he like talks about how she was like really instrumental in starting Amazon. Like he even has said that, you know? Women, I hate to be like generalizing, but like there's just like a savvier emotional intelligence. And there's a reason that when women run companies, they statistically perform better. Yeah. It's just not enough. They don't want us.

No. They want to glass cliff us sometimes, which is what I think is happening with – I've talked about it before. I think Rebecca Cutler in MSNBC and what's going on with the cuts and stuff over there, I think this is an example of a glass cliff. I'm not sure that a lot of folks – this is like a relatively newer term I learned at Harvard. It means that they basically will – men who destroy things will then put a woman in charge to do all the firing, fix everything, and then they push her right off that glass cliff.

See, like I think she could be an example of that, but I actually don't feel like she is. She gives me a sense that she's way more in control of this and like has a vision for what she wants to do. And everything I've heard about her is that she's like not that kind of –

I think she's actually like – I think she's doing some things that people are not happy with. But I don't think that like her – that she's going to necessarily fail at it. Like I don't get that impression. Do you think if they sell to Comcast, they're not going to put a man in at MSNBC once they make it all conservative? I think they're going to see how well she does and how much loyalty there is among the staff to her. And if she's the one who's making – like who's going to be forming this new staff –

then they'll keep her. And I think that she, like, she came up under Jeff Zucker. I think she's, like, a bit more, I don't want to say ruthless in, like, a bad way. I don't think she's, like, ruthless in a bad way because I think people will interpret me saying that as, like, whatever. I think she's, like, from everything I've read about her, she's, like, a savvy person who, like, she isn't just doing this to do it. Like, I know people get that impression. Like, I feel like there's a – I see what she's trying to do.

You know what I mean? I don't know. I think she'll stay as long as MSNBC is around and they don't try to like pull the – like try to – I guess they can pull the license, but they try to marginalize them in some other way. It's real weird over there right now. I mean, okay. One thing I'm happy about is that they added Catherine Rampell to the weekend because I think she's really great. And she's a rigorous reporter. I really like – she knows what's going on. So I'm happy with that.

I'm glad they have her because we're losing Katie Fang, who is the most rigorous weekend reporter. Yeah. I watch the Katie Fang show on Saturdays before we go run errands or do whatever, because the rest of the weekend, I kind of like, yeah, I need a break one, but I could also kind of do without. It's a little, it's intentionally a little bit fluffier, but some of the stuff that they've got on. She's not fluffy at all. No, she's not. I'm saying some of the rest of the programming can be a little like, well,

Okay, whatever. But I don't know. We'll do a whole episode on MSNBC. Here's the thing. Everyone who's listened to this knows I always wanted to be on TV. I always wanted to be on MSNBC specifically and still would love to. Still happy to go on it. Call her. But call me. But I feel like

when you look at the numbers, like they don't get as many viewers as you could get on social media or like anywhere near what like even like Midas Touch is getting online, the numbers. So if you're on cable TV, if MSNBC gets like, call it a million views,

views in primetime, like across all their shows. Like it's not all like the same, but a million to 2 million, like Rachel Maddow will get like 2 million, maybe like on a good night. CNN's getting like half that and Fox is getting like double or maybe even like one and a half time, two and a half times what MSNBC is getting. But those numbers are still below 5 million. Like so if 5 million people are tuning in,

You could get 5 million views on a TikTok and you're, and you do, and you're, and like, you're getting that. If let's say you got that every few days, it's like that. I think you, because TV so passive and there's comments and, and TV so passive. So it's like, just cause someone like had it on, does it mean they're like engaged? I would love to know what their unique viewers are because we just pulled my unique. Okay. So my last year we just pulled it.

I had 97.8 unique visitors to Under the Desk News. Million. Yeah. 97.8 million unique visitors to Under the Desk News. And then I had like, I don't know, 300 million. Like views for the year for all the videos or whatever. It is so astronomically above. And that doesn't count shares. And that doesn't count – I'm like the fourth most recognizable name when people ask for a news anchor or whatever. Right. Right.

But that doesn't translate to the creator economy yet. And I wonder when this flip, if and when it will happen between the way that people invest in television. Rachel Maddow's making $25 million a year. She's getting 2 million views per episode a night. And that was her cut. And that was her cut salary. I'm going to tell you right now, Under the Desk News does not make $25 million a year. We do okay. Well, that's what I wonder. It's like, okay, if Rachel Maddow's getting 2 million views and she's

a night, let's say every night. And she was, even before this, she was on once a week. And I think that she's going to go back to once a week. $25 million? And you could literally create that number of views or viewers on something much shorter, much more salient, much more permanent. Because it's not like her show stayed somewhere really. I mean, like a podcast, but it's not like findable. It's not discoverable. It's not going to go viral. I don't know how people

When I was on the news, I have to ask my friend's mom to record me because I don't have cable at my house. Yeah, exactly. People who are young don't have cable. People who are – I'm the only person I know who watches MSNBC. Truly. I love it. I'm a huge fan, but I'm the only person who watches it. So it's like – You are kind of a grandpa in that way. I am. I am a grandpa. In your soul. You kind of are. Oh, I am. Well, I grew up with my grandparents, so I very much am like –

Yeah, that's right. So I'm very much like socialized to the old. I love that. Yeah. So it's like, I like that. But the thing is, they don't, their average age is like 70. No. And to your point, like when does that translate? And like, when do you start like valuing the creators? And like, what? Bruce just snored. All right. Moving on from MSNBC. He's bored. He's like, you can't.

What is, what is eight times seven? 56. Okay. So he's 56 years old. He's younger than the median age of the MSNBC audience. And he's bored. He's so bored. He's like, I fucking hate this channel. She has it on all the time. Also, he just blinked. So like, I know he's awake and he is faking it. He's going to be like, they never turn off the news. It's so stressful. That's why he's stressed all the time. Yeah.

Yes. Put on Bravo. We'll talk about politics. Yeah. Yeah. Please, please. Okay. We've been doing this for an hour. We're close. This is so fun. I know. We can do this for, look, Joe Rogan goes three, you know? Right. They go all day. The Joan Rogan show. Yeah. We're the Joan Rogan show. Joan Rogan. Joan was my confirmation saint. I love that. Joan Rogan. Yeah. Joan Rogan. That's perfect. Are you an athlete?

formerly. Are you? Are you? Okay. Obviously. Listen, my name is Vitus, which is my confirmation name. Yeah. Can I just, can I just say, I love that. I always ask people who their confirmation state was. And some people like, don't remember. I'm like, that wasn't a huge decision. It's like forgetting your Parsha. Mine was Kedoshim.

It wasn't the most exciting story. It was a bunch of laws. It was not great for a 13-year-old. But wait, speaking of the Catholic Jewish thing, okay. The reason that we feel connected is because you're not just Christians, you're Catholics. Oh, yeah. And growing up in the South, they would go, are you Christian or Catholic? I'm like, babe, we invented the whole thing. Yeah. I thought it was

Well, it's not. I didn't know it was different for a long time, but now I understand. They don't do any of the pageantry. Oh, they don't do saints. Mind you, on St. Valentine's Day, all of them were passing out Valentine's. I'm like, oh, but I thought I was going to hell for worshiping false gods. I see you with your Valentine's table. In the South, if you're Catholic, you're going to hell. What are they, Protestant?

They're all Southern. They're non-denominational Christian, AKA Southern Baptist. Yes. Southern Baptist. It's more like- Evangelical. Protestant-y. What is a Methodist? Episcopalian-ish. Episcopalian. Then there's Lutheran. There's a whole lot more. They're all kind of the same to me. But they don't like the Catholics because we have the Vatican. And they're like, oh, you can't be American if you- Because you'll answer to the Pope.

Right. That's why they didn't want JFK to be president. And we pray to saints, which they say is worshiping false gods. But then on St. Patrick's Day, they're all wearing their green and drinking beer. What about the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost? What makes you think Jesus has time for your bullshit every single day? These people are like, I talk to Jesus. He's outsourcing. I thought Catholics speak to me. I thought Catholics speak to Jesus. No, you've got to go through a line of succession. You start with your priest.

Then you can go to your patron saint. Yeah. Then you can go to like, if you're a woman, you could go to like Catherine or Bridget or Mary. There's a line of reporting. You could go to Jesus' mother. You could just pray to Mary. What if you just go straight to Jesus? No, you don't go straight to Jesus. He's busy. He is busy. But if he's like everything, then he can. No, you don't bother Jesus. And we love Mary. Also, who the fuck?

fuck is the holy ghost okay i've never talked to him but he's in the thing he's in the line yeah he's like the spirit whatever he's like he's there for the vibe can we talk about this also because this it does tie into immigration because part of the reason that i think catholics were sort of like marginalized the early 1900s is because irish and italian immigrants oh yeah so it's like i think there is a catholic jewish vibe because it's like we were kind of the and next

Next. Something that Jews and Catholics both agree on. We love some rules. Love a rule. We love rules. We love order. Yeah. Necklaces. The pomp and circumstance of it all. Very clannish people. Ceremonies. Clannish people. Rose, garb. Yes. I would walk into my friends' evangelical churches growing up. No goblets. Okay. What are they doing? No megachurches. No marble. It's carpeting.

The first time I lived in Tennessee for a minute and I went to church with one of my friends in Tennessee and, um, there, they had Bibles in the thing. And I was like, Oh, you don't do Bibles. No. I'll tell you what it says. Yeah. The priest. But I have had Baptist friends come to Catholic churches. And they're like, where are the Bibles? And I'm like,

What are you talking about? Honey, we have someone to do that. There's going to be a – Miss Day is going to get up there and read to us. There's a literature – You get read to. Yes. We're not there to work. Oh, we are there to work.

And kneel. Sit, stand, kneel. And then somebody reads to you. We do that and we have to fucking read and speak to you. Read some wine. You have some bread. Yeah, you get your little cracker. It's very nice. You pretend to pray. You go home. Yeah, you get yelled at. How do you know what you're praying for if you don't have the book? I'm saying, tell you. You chant together. How do you know what you're saying? Your brain. We say outside of ourselves. How long is this? When they did change it a decade ago, people lost their minds. Remember? Yes. Yes.

And then he just teased me with you. Shaky hands. That's it? Yeah. I never shook him. I waved. I didn't like that. Wait, really? This is so niche. In the prayer where they're like, it is right to give him thanks and praise. And then you respond, it is right and just. That always felt like subtle shade to me. It's a lot. It's right and just. It's all very passive aggressive. Look, we're coming up on Easter, which you know has a lot of problems for me. Yeah. It was been a year since that. Yeah.

since the Stations of the Cross debacle. And I'm just telling you, throwing up Catholic, it's a whole fucking thing, man. And I'm grateful for it, not necessarily for the education or the religious side, but for the pop culture of it all. And now Gwen Stefani is going to shepherd us back into our Catholic time. I know.

I'm excited for that. Madonna's like a prayer video has pop culture. And they loved that famously. Yeah. They were like, yeah, she should keep doing that. Yeah. She's the Pope. Yeah. Madonna, no less. Yeah. So like if you went to Catholic school there, there's a class called apologetics, which is essentially here's what people say about Catholicism. Like here's why they don't like it. Here's our response. That's like boiled down. That's what it is. I've always said that's what Fox news does. Yeah. Fox news. Like,

They give you the problem and then they give them an answer and there's no nuance. And so people like are ready with their talking points. Like we just need to do apologetics. Jews do that. They just don't call it anything. It's just the way you speak all the time. Yeah.

Love that. Yeah. It's just, that's always arguing, but that this all makes sense. This is why like I, I realize now like many of my non-Jewish friends are Catholics. Because we abide by the same vibes. There's a certain vibe where when you're Catholic or Jewish that I think we just attract each other.

Right. I don't know many wasps. Yeah. They're kind of unknowable. Can I tell you my like fundamental theory on religion? Is that like if there is a heaven and hell or whatever, any sort of anything, any sort of judgment, it is judged based on one thing, which all religions share. Follow your mouth. Yeah.

If you blend your contour. Do unto others as others would do unto you. If you think about every, or don't do unto others as you would not want done unto you. Every religion has that as it's like sort of core message. And I think that only God can know whether you've lived your life like that or mostly or whatever. And I think that that's really all it comes down to. And all this shit that they made up to is such a male way to try to control whether they're going to get in or not. And it's like, just like,

Have your little intuition. Have your spirituality. Figure your shit out and don't be an asshole. And, you know, wait and see. I mean, I believe in ghost church because Rochester. So we have spirituality up there.

Dude, y'all got to come to Ghost Church with me one time. It's fucking wild. It's a real thing. It's called Ghost Church? Well, that's what Jamie Loftus called it when she did her investigative reporting on spiritualism. But it was based in Rochester. There's a lot of the American religions, like Mormonism is based in Rochester. And then they moved to Utah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yes. Oh, yeah. He discovered things in Rochester. In Rochester. In Rochester.

Oh, I got to go there. Oh, it's come on up. Yeah. For other reasons. I'm your Republican friend with a boat, but not Republican. You know what I mean? But it's like exactly the same experience. Yes. Right. But they, so spiritualism is like, you believe that your energy like goes on forever and like you totally believe in ghosts and reincarnation and that you sort of like, you know, all that kind of stuff. I believe,

in past lives. We will talk about that on our next episode. Yay!