WE WENT TO ARMY BOOT CAMP! -You Should Know Podcast-
01:27:36 Share

Meaningless stuff. Why do we gift so much meaningless stuff? Tired of generic gifts and hollow trends? Shutterfly allows you to create meaningful photo gifts for your family and friends, whether it's a cozy fleece blanket for grandma, a stunning canvas print for mom, or a mug to make dad smile. Enjoy 40% off with code MAKE40 at Shutterfly.com and make something meaningful this year. See site for more details.

The You Should Know Podcast. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the You Should Know Podcast. Episode 123. Round of applause. Please.

Give it to me. Give it to me. Give it to me. Give it to me. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the You Should Know Podcast, episode 123. If you're new here, if you're not already, look below. You subscribe, but if it isn't pressed, you're wrong. If you look even more below, then you see that comment section isn't fulfilled with your name. Guess what? Even more wrong. Go ahead and fill that out. Get your good karma. I know there might be a lot of new people here because we just came off of DreamCon. Creator League, round of applause for DreamCon Creator League. Thank you.

Listen, listen. Let's be honest again. Like I have been every intro whenever we were pre-recording stuff, DreamCon hasn't happened yet. Do I think I had an exceptional performance? No. Do I think Cameron had an exceptional performance? 100%. He is the hooper. So round of applause for Cameron having an exceptional performance. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. And if we did not do good, ignore that. And if you clipped that, I'm calling the police. Guys, what's up?

We love you so much. To our Facebook friends, to our Facebook You Should Know Podcast family, boy, do we have some exciting things coming up. And in the next coming weeks, we have more announcements for you that is not just for Facebook, but is going to change the trajectory of the You Should Know Podcast forever.

Not just the You Should Know podcast, to the tri-state area. Not just the tri-state area, to the whole country. Not just the country, to the whole world. And not to the whole world, but the whole universe. So make sure you are subscribed, following us on all our social medias, Patreon.

Twitch, Discord, Facebook, YouTube, all the Instagrams. Guys, we have so many things coming. I know I say it every week, but every single week we're getting an inch closer to you and you're going to be able to smell us in a second. We love you. Now on to the rest of the episode. The You Should Know Podcast.

This episode of the Usual Podcast is brought to you by our friends at Manscaped. Fellas, do you want your grooming routine to be one and done now? Well, the days of using the same trimmer for your face and your private parts are over, thanks to our friends at Manscaped. They've come up with the ultimate package to keep your hair trimmed from 12 to 6. Introducing the Beard and Balls Bundle featuring the Lawn Mower 5.0.

Woo! Woo!

While the beard hedger takes care of everything above. Above and below. And just like the lawnmower, the beard hedger is also waterproof. So you can handle your beard grooming right in the sink or in the shower, whatever you prefer, without worrying about water damage. With up to 60 minutes of run time and an LED charge indicator, you'll never be caught mid-trim with a dead battery. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code PSH at Manscaped.com. That's 20% off.

Plus, free shipping with the code PSH at manscaped.com. No more juggling multiple tools or dealing with subpar results. Just efficient, effective, grooming whenever you need it. Now on to the rest of the podcast. Yeah! The You Should Know Podcast. We got co-host Keck in the studio. There we go.

I'll see lots of people today. It's a lot of people. We got Big Dog K-Rob in the building. We got K-Rob in the car. If you're in the Twitch, man. That's a dog. That's a grown man ass bark. Do it again. I like that. I like when your mouth goes adjacent to where you're looking. Why is that? You ever had bad breath so bad whenever somebody's talking to you up close, you have to turn a little bit?

That I know you have. Oh, my God. I know you have. At the gym the other morning, your shit smelled like just stale saliva. Yeah. Like just resting spit. It's like all day on you. It was a pound of youth, but it was like slime. Yeah, it sucks when you have to talk to people like you're smoking a cigarette in front of them. You know what, Patty? What?

I used to... I'm so sorry to hear that. Yeah, it was like, what the f***? What's wrong with you? It's a tough life. It's a tough life of those of the non-brushing community. Oh!

Oh my god. I know it's so early, but I have to expose him. I have to expose him. Expose me? I have to expose you. What are you exposing me for? What you did at my house the other day is the most unhuman, inhumane thing I've ever... No, no, no. No, there's certain things we keep off limits. I have to say it, though. There's certain things we keep off limits. But I have to say it. I'm going to say it, and if it's too much in the post-edit, you can cut it out. This man... Okay. It was a tough day for me. It was after the gym. I...

After the gym, we come back to my house. We're about to tan at the pool or my apartment, sorry. And we're sitting there, right? And again, he doesn't brush his teeth. You don't brush it. Why? Why is that? Honest to God. Okay. Can I tell you the honest truth? I don't brush my teeth because I have a, it's like a habit in me when I'm, it's nighttime time to go to sleep. Time to go to sleep. And I go into my bed. I have to eat in my bed before I go to sleep. Put on a movie.

I have to. And then I just get into the function of eating in my bed right before sleep, and I don't have the willpower or grit to put my two legs back on earth and go brush. No, no, no, no. There must be confusion in the air this morning. That's fine. That's your nighttime routine. You're not brushing when you wake up. Panic in the morning. When God blessed you with another morning, you said, fuck.

I'm ready to go. Brush your teeth in the morning. No, I could. Because think about it. You ate Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips and maybe some stale popcorn. You watched Elmo. You go to bed. You wake up ten hours later. Your shit is rotten. No, no, no. Rotten. No, no. Rotten.

You know what the crazy part about the morning is? I'll run warm water and put my mouth under and swish it around and spit it out. That's the sick part. I could just... It's literally... It's the soreness of my shoulders in the morning. What? I have short shoulder syndrome. Short shoulder. Back to it. Okay. Get back from the gym. Go to my apartment. We're waiting. God bless. God bless.

We're about to go tan the pool. You remember this. I do. Because it's unbelievable. That's why I said don't say it. So I go in my room. I'm checking on Liv. Oh, hey, babe. We're back. You feeling good? Everything? Making sure Prego is good. When I come back out into my living room, I see Peyton. From the back. All I see is this. I'm like, what the f***? I'm like, where'd you get beef jerky? What are you doing? This bastard...

Chewing on a dog Dental hygiene stick no because He thought it was applicable for all

beast in anything with a heartbeat. It's like, you know how people like the, not tribes, but more of indigenous people, like how they can literally use like those sticks or like, I don't even know what it is, like bamboo or something, but they chew on that shit. You thought you were on the history channel. No, I can explain it. It's you and Liv's fault because y'all are angry tyrants.

Y'all are mean. And y'all said we have to be somewhere. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. And I showered and y'all were like, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. And I breathed out loud and it went to my nasal cavity right there in the sphincter. Not the sphincter. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Your breath is asshole. You have asshole breath.

That's what it is. That's where the confusion comes from. No, no, no. Regardless of what you're saying, where'd you get the stick? Let's start there. Ruby's treat drawer. Oh, Ruby's cabinet. The dog's cabinet with the dog's toys, the dog's treats, and the dog's spray. But I grew up around a bunch of your people. One of them's name was and he used to eat dog treats and he was fine. He has a wife and kids now and the kid has both eyes. That's cool.

It's gonna go to hell. Okay, let's start there. If you willingly ate dog treats, Tucker, I love you, you need to pray. Back to you. You definitely need to pray. You got it from the dog cabin. Yeah, yeah. So at the basis of that, right? Yeah. You grabbed something for a dog. No, you're acting like I was confused of what I was doing. I knew that was for dogs. I knew that was a hound utensil.

But I was in a panic. No, shut up. Okay. You knew that was for the dog. 100%. I know Ruby's Drawery.

That's Ruby's roar. And I've seen her, because I know Ruby's breath is adjacent to mine. We have parallel breaths. Peyton, you're not... Both of that of the underworld in Garbage. Peyton, are you shitting me right now? Are you being dead ass? Dead ass. And that certain thing... This whole time I've kept this in, waiting to get behind the camera, because I thought I was going to, like, shell shock you. No, no. I thought it was going to be a surprise. You knew?!

You knew you were eating a dog dental stick. 100% aware of my situation. I was thinking that we had enough bond and trust that you wouldn't out me like that. Then now I'm going to out you.

Are you shitting me? Now I'm gonna out you. The outing of me's can wait maybe 20 more seconds. In a house full of humans, you'd rather chew a bark stick than ask for toothpaste? No, because Liv's gum makes me gag. Ryan has Listerine. I have the doctor one. Toothpaste and water swishing around, maybe. You said, hey, hand me the bamboo with the jelly chicken flavored bacon inside.

You are a gargoyle. It was mint. You know those are mint. And it helps Ruby's breath. These are green trees. It was mint. It was her green things. And I think I helped her buy some. And I said, that's for the both of us. That's a group project we got going on.

but it's not my fault because you and Liv are angry people whenever, and so whenever y'all really want to get somewhere, you don't give time for leniency. And you know how I am whenever there's a panic situation. I don't know how to function. And so I was like, the closest thing to me, I was already in the kitchen. I know Ruby's cabinet. I'm going to grab those goddamn mint treats. It makes her breath smell good. Didn't make mine smell good. It actually made it worse. What do you know? Shocker. I think it took enamel.

I actually don't know the price tag it would take for me to eat one of those. I really don't. Oh, you should. Try it. And I'm a garbage disposal of a stomach and a throat syndrome man. Cam, shut up. I'll eat anything.

Whenever Ruby was first born and you were trying to create her into Bronnie James Jr., you were trying to make her something she's not. You were trying to get her into military protection. I was feeding her good. And the first time you made her that weird-ass oat and kibble, put it in the microwave, put a little honey basil on it, all that weird shit, a little pesto sauce for a dog that can't breathe on its own properly. Pesto. Pesto.

Pesto sauce? What am I making? Linguini? What am I doing? Pesto sauce? Yes or no. The first time you made it, I was... If you say what I figured out to say, no. Yes or no. You're like, this is my daughter. This is my daughter. You put it in the microwave. The house smelled like...

You took it out. You got a spoon. No, that's what you're like. No, no, no. You're like, I'm a chef and this is my daughter. I got to make sure she's going to be okay. I take a little chef taste. No shot. No shot. I'm not Bigfoot like you over here. I'm not trying shit made for dogs. They walk on all fours. I treat my dog like a human. I love her to death. She's my little princess. She's crooked and fat, but I love her. I'm never going to eat her kibble. Never tasted her kibble. Couldn't tell you what it tastes like. Me and Bigfoot. Her multivitamin smells like

Asshole. It is horrible. Me and Bigfoot got a lot of common. You do have a lot of... You have a... Some would say too much in common with Bigfoot. Hair. Wild. Yeah.

Body hair. Grizzly. Keep going. The way you walk. Nasty. Keep going. What else? Oftentimes naked. What else? Oftentimes in natural habitat. What else do we got in common? I don't... Stop it. What else do we got in common? I've never seen Bigfoot's genitalia. Oh, but if you could assume... I can't compare you to it. You could assume. Bigfoot's meat versus the Loch Ness Monster. Who are you taking in the versus? Who's got the bigger snake? You know what I mean? Loch Ness Monster.

Wait, are you the Loch Ness? No, I'm the Bigfoot. Oh, okay. Because I got hair. You got it. Okay. You have to have a headlight flashlight to find my penis. You have to have a headlamp and gloves. Good gardening gloves to find your Johnson. Your shit is behind California red oak. You have to...

You're on a, it's Dora the Explorer. That's a young lady? That's a wild joke. I apologize. You have to put on a safety vest that you can see at nighttime. Oh, yeah. You have to section off those little flags. Those little flags they put in the grass so they know to spray there. It's like, not here. Back to the next section.

You're, oh. Yeah, fun fact, exploring my body, my first nude I ever took was on a Nintendo 3DS. You know? God bless you. You ever seen your shit in 3D before? Come on now. Talk about exploration, huh? Never seen the base like that. You took a picture of your mic on a Nintendo 3DS?

You open that 3DS, you don't know if you're gonna- You're going to hell! You're going to hell! Oh my god! You don't know if you're gonna see Mario Kart on my penis, you know? Imagine Preston! Imagine Preston's popping up to open up Zelda! He's trying to go find the scroll, and he sees a Johnson just sitting there, in 3D!

Oh, imagine your mom. Oh, my God. She goes up for birthday gifts. She's going to go buy you a DLC pack. She opens it up to her kids. Rock hard, Johnson, because you weren't soft. You definitely had some fanny flutters before you took the picture. No, it looks better mid. Half cocked is better. That's a blessing. It's too skinny. I would never take an image on a half cocked. My dad opens it. He's like, that's my son. Your dad goes, hey, wait, wait, wait.

Wait. Are you standing by that? You're like a pulsing penis. It's more vascular. Now, I agree on that. The blood is surging. It's going in and out. Your kid's going to watch this. Yeah, this is sick. Oh, my God. I hope I don't have a girl for that. I'm so sorry. For the rest of my life, I have to watch what I say on here, but I'm not going to. Oh, God. This is your dad, and this is who I am. No, a dead ass 3DS, and I was like, oh, wow. Hey, you're not getting a Nintendo for your birthday. Let's start there. I found a birthmark I didn't know was there. Yeah.

You ever find a birthmark? You have a birthmark on your Johnson? Yeah, but it takes up 90% of it. I was wondering why it was two shades darker. No. No. I was like, is that because I'm biracial or is that because I'm... It's definitely because you're biracial. Oh, okay. It's definitely because there's so much bacteria down there. They're probably eating the top layer of the skin. And for natural selection to occur, your skin had to deploy a defense mechanism and it made it darker and it's somehow saving it. Are you telling me

I want you to think about what you said. You're claiming you have a birthmark. On my Johnson. That covers 90% of your Johnson. Yeah, just the top part. Just right there on the front door. That's a little light. Okay, we're going to go backwards once more. If it's just on the front door, and that's 90% of your Johnson, are you okay? What do you mean? If only your front door is covered...

Yet that's 90% of what you have to offer? No, no, no. Are you? Are we? Oh, no. I was under the impression. I don't know. That's why I make jokes. You have to find it. It's like a button on a tuxedo. What is? My Johnson. It's small. It's like a cuff link. No. You know what I mean? It is nothing to write home about. That Polaroid is not going to make you through war. You know what I mean? You're not going to write home about that one. The You Should Know Podcast.

This episode of the You Should Know Podcast is brought to you by Heineken Zero Zero. Heineken Zero Zero is an alcohol-free option to the original Heineken you all love. Woo! It has 100% taste, but 0.0% alcohol. Love it. That means it's perfect for all the times where you really want to just slam a whole brew. Woo!

But alcohol can't be in the picture. I feel you. I feel you. You know, Cam, sometimes we're out. Little kickback party situations, right? We got meetings in the morning, 8 a.m. Sure do. I love the taste of a Heineken, but I want 0% alcohol. Thank God we bring Heineken 00 to the party. Everybody has a good time. They do not lie when they say it's 100% of the taste, 0.0% alcohol.

Great times all around. Heineken Zero Zero. 100% taste, 0.0% alcohol, and only 69 calories. Whoa, I love that. Oh, so little. Now you can. Follow the link in the description to buy now. But remember, you must be 21 or older to purchase. Please enjoy Heineken responsibly. Now on to the rest of the episode. The You Should Know Podcast.

What? Can we fantasize real quick? About? I'm going to do a noise. CJ, write it down. We're going to imagine it's a thought bubble. Okay, here we go. We're on the front line. Trench warfare. God blessed be thy name. Thank you for all your service. Thank you for your services. We're on the front line. Trench warfare. I'm sitting there smoking a Marlboro light, puffing like nobody's business. Shouldn't do that. You're in the middle of war. You just saw Brian get his hand in the door.

You gotta do something. That's a bit much. But imagine your little running boy, little 15-year-old, ugly, with glasses. He runs through with the mail, throws you a letter. It's your missus from back at home. Nice little poetry. She's working on the diction. Then you flip it and there's a Polaroid of her and she's Butterball ass naked. Tell me that wouldn't make you want to go mow down some

That would... Oh my god. I would... That is like... That's like getting a max ammo in zombies. I would be ready. If I'm being honest.

You see a butt naked silhouette of your wife at home back in South Carolina on the farm with a little steed in the background. Oh my gosh, she's butt naked outside. Someone took her picture. Your imagination only goes to the fact it's probably your best friend who's also naked. And now, I mean, at this point, give me a Kimbo P90s. I'm running out there. I am running out there. He's wearing a Rambo. Oh my God. It's going to be like 4th of July when I'm done. Oh.

I'm sorry. That's a bit, but that'd be nice. No, I'm too insecure for that. Oh, no. I'd be like, I thought I'd show the platoon. I'd be like, look what I get to go home to in three months. I'd show the boys. Like, where's your girl, Williams? He's sitting there. He just had his LCL shot off. He's doctoring his leg. I'm like, oh, that's funny. That dude. That's funny. No, I would be insecure. I'd be too insecure. What? You or her? Me. I'd be like, about her or about you? About her.

Why? I mean, who took that? I mean, yeah. And then my focus wouldn't be on here and I'd be gone. If you know your girl doesn't have a best friend that owns a Polaroid back in the 40s...

Now it's like, is it Benji? Who's taking the picture? Who is that? Is it the HVAC guy? Is Thomas trying to swiggle back into your life? Okay, I get that. I have too many problems. Let's just piggyback off that. Piggy me. I think if we... My grandma loved pigs. She's dead now. Keep going. She did. She died. She loved pigs. Now I have an angel pig hanging off a banana holder on a piano.

Every time company comes over they turn it around Looks like a little like I don't like a little voodoo supposed to be my grandpa. Yeah that okay. That's not No, it's not yes. She's not supposed to be your grandma. That's my pig remembrance of Grandma yeah your grandma's not a pig. Let's just start there. Okay back to my pitch She's back to my piggyback naked silhouettes akimbo p90s. I'm so nervous, but you guys know this one's a lot more tamed. Oh

I think. Okay, let's just talk about this. Imagine dating. The dating world. God, it's scary. No social media. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I wish. If we were a teenager in 94. I wish. Like you're a junior going into senior year. It's 95. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's not that hot yet. Global warming hasn't whooped our ass. God bless. Maybe 97 in the summer. You can wear leather jackets at night. You can wear leather jackets and look cool. Give a real Fonzie vibe. Who's that? But imagine.

for another day. You gotta watch it. Breakfast Club is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. Breakfast Club sucks. It's a shit film. Everyone raves about the soundtrack. It's cool. No. It's a hell of a thing. Regardless. Just imagine that. I would love it. Because you're a man of when you like a woman Uh-huh.

You give attention. Yeah, all of it. And you are very, very good with it. Like most guys really aren't. Like I'm not even – I'm not sitting here glazing. I'm just saying like – Glaze me. Gloss me up. Make me shine. I'm not glossing you up. Make me shine in the summer. I'm like, all right, let me find him. I said, where are you? Oh, there you are, little boy.

Regardless. You're very good with that. Yes. But imagine that with no other guy trying to hit her DMs. No other picture. No temptations on the Explorer page. No temptations. God. No Safari. Uh-huh. No Instagram. Oh, my God. No DMs. No IG Reels. No TikTok. No...

Give me head top. None of that. She goes to work. She delivers a couple pizzas. She comes home and bathes, and you're throwing pebbles at the window. Oh, my God. I've thrown a pebble at a window. Oh, my God. Fun fact. She's driving a 1989 Saturn Iona. Oh, my God. So I tried to do the pebble at the window type of thing for my high school girlfriend, but I didn't want to go to her house and do it because I was like, I don't know. Her dad kind of scares me.

So she was in her car at a Sonic in the drive-thru, and I saw her. So I grabbed the rock, and I was like, shattered her passenger side window. So had to pay for that one. Orange Theory couldn't pay that bill. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, okay. Speaking of doing something to someone you know's car. Yeah. Bro, I'm backing out. We're about to go hoop. It's me, Tank, and another friend, Corbin. Okay. Corbin's in my backseat. His car's parked on the side of the road. God bless. I'm backing out of Tank's driveway. We're about to go hoop. Corbin goes, hey, watch out. I go, no, I'm good. Go watch out. I said, yeah, I got it.

Bam! Hit his car. I literally hit Corbin's car. Doesn't surprise me. Corbin is aggressive, and he's stout. He's a thickum smack. He's in my backseat. My eyes are not coming off my rear view. I'm like, if he moves, I am running. I'm like, Corbin, I'm sorry. I will pay for this. Please, let's not do insurance. He was pissed. He couldn't even talk to me. So we go to his house. We just drive straight to his dad's house. He hops out, gets in his car, we go to his dad's.

His dad is like a very southern old man. He's like, oh, this ain't nothing, Corbin. You tripping. Now, Cam –

you're gonna have to pay for this though and i was like all right and then he racked a shotgun oh i was about to say i'm kidding but he's like you got to pay for this da da da da corbin didn't talk to me for about two weeks what's wrong with corbin what kind of car did he have it was like a like a malibu what was he tripping about i get he loves his items and i ruined i ruined it yeah but it was like the smallest of dent his dad even thought that we could go get a suction cup and some hot

water you can't you can't little plunger actually i ended up paying like 250 bucks but it was like it was wild it was basically more credibility that i'm not the driver i think i am no okay thank you you're a shit driver you can't stay in your own lane but that's that's due to adhd and distraction that's which makes you a bad driver i don't care if you have mental ailments if you're a bad driver if you're if somebody's blind in their driving i don't have a mental helmet element

Ailment. Ailment. What are you saying that I'm not? You're saying like three words at once right now. You're saying element, helmets, and ailments. I don't know. It's like a fight. It's a nasty game of Dr. Seuss going on. You have a mental ailment. I don't think you're saying this right. Are you nuts? Say it again. You have a mental ailment. What are you saying? Ailment. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Cap's too tight. Let it go. Let's think. You try it. That is...

I honestly kind of like this though. Like I'm starting to fall in love with my natural like hat hair. I'm not gonna lie and I hope this isn't too insensitive. If you were pumping your gas at about 7:30 at night and you had to walk a long way to throw something away, you could be homeless. You are very, you are on the line. You are very close. Like let's just hide the watch, maybe take the earrings out. If they see that standing over a trash can,

They're thinking you're coming to wash some windows. That's all I'm going to say. And then they look at my socks and they're like that. Like that. Your pinky toe goes sideways. You said it's like that. This is your foot. Your pinky toe said. That was out there. It said. No, no. Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You hold on. Because you brought up. I don't need my windows washed. I saw Cam punch a homeless guy one time. I did not punch a homeless guy. You liar.

You liar. Caps, it punched the homeless guy, took his coins. I took his coins? Because you were taking Liv. It was in college. Yes, Cam. I punched the homeless guy. No, I did not. Look at you. You sicko. You went to take her on an arcade date and he said I need coins. Don't put that on my jacket. No, no, no. Okay, but I have a question because you're going to have a kid one day, right? Very soon, actually. Not very, but soon. Very soon. How far along is Liv? In the relativity of life? Is it January? Yeah. We're in July. That's very... Bro, six months is like... No, it's not.

Regardless. Think about Christmas this year. Say you have a daughter, right? I think you're gonna have a daughter. So does she. Okay, yeah, because you are. You're gonna have a daughter, right? Mm-hmm. Oh, she's gonna be so cute. Let's fast forward, a little ginger, let's fast forward 10 to, no, 15 years, right? 15 years from now. Are you still with us? What the f*** is that smell? What was that smell? What? Did you fart? No. What did I just smell?

Nothing. No, I smell f***ing something. You're not going to tell me I didn't smell something. What is that smell? What the f*** was that? I don't stink. I'm not saying it to you. I'm asking. What is that? Are you sure you didn't? Maybe a belch. These are the same drawers I wore yesterday. Okay. But I got Man's Case ball deodorant on. That's what I do. How do you apply? Do you finger your webbing and then you... You finger your webbing. You give it an appetizer. No, that's what I do on the sphinx. I literally go...

I'm moving around in my palm. I literally Johnson in the right balls in the left. And I go, no, this is what Cam does. He puts a little bit on his pinky and he's like, that will cover the balls. But okay. You have a daughter in 15 years. Right. How are we going about the first time she brings a boyfriend to the house? How are we going to go about that? Cause I am going to be there. I have thought about this.

If you're there. What the f*** does that mean? Okay, you'll be there. But you're not going to be in the same room at the beginning. What does that mean? You're not going to see the kid right when he walks in. You're going to be creeping on the stairway. You're going to be using some little camera system. I don't know. Right when he walks in, it has to be me. It has to be the man of the house that strikes some fear into him. Okay, okay. It has to be. He can't be like, oh shit, I'm afraid of all your uncles and everybody. There's so many. He needs to be like, I can't.

I can't lose that man's trust. Okay, good. Okay, I understand. Respect, respect, respect. So at the beginning, simple shit, I'm not going to be the dad that racks a shotgun or sitting here, I'm twirling like a ninja star. I'm just like... He says one wrong thing, I'm like... You're not too intimidating yourself because you're like, hey, kid, I'll punch you. I go, you don't want some of this thumb? No. But at the time, I'd say God's honest...

I'm big on you need to have fear like a respectful fear but I don't want you to walk on eggshells around me because it's mainly for me too I want the kid to feel comfortable to where he can show me his true colors see what I'm saying not to where it is you it's you I knew it was you I was laughing I got close to you and I smelled something bad you're still shitting your pants and you lied to me in front of everyone

I knew it was you. That was new! No, no, that was new. Some shit was old and rotten. Something was harvesting in your pants.

I'm not kidding. I literally got on my knee to laugh, and I went, what the f*** is that? And it was bad, bro. It was bad. That's just me. That wasn't a dude. I haven't been holding that tooth for 48 hours. No, you let one go about half an hour ago. Something's been settling in your pants. That's just my thigh hair. Regardless. It stinks. I want the kid to feel comfortable. Your thigh hair stinks? Because I genuinely don't wash properly. I haven't used a washcloth, or I'm still using my ex's loofah. Again, this is going to sound...

And that was like a year ago. I would honestly pay you money for us to take that to a lab, to a corporation, put that under a microscope, and let you see all the creepy problems on that loofah. No, we'd go to another lockdown. There's a new pandemic if they search out. Dude, you stink, dog! What am I smelling? What is...

What is that? I don't smell... Y'all don't smell anything either, do you? No, because they're not right next to you. It smells like a bad grape. Like a nasty... Like one of those pruney grapes that's been popped. Don't touch me. That is... I'm not... Every time I... I'm not having a good time. Let's just say that. I'm not enjoying myself. I figured out what it was. There's like a little poop bubble sitting on my... And when I went like that, I felt it pop. It was like I had Mardi Gras beads going down my tail line. So I...

regardless about you almost saying there's a butt plug in you. Let's just move past that very quickly. I was 18 to 24 inches away from a human waist in your butthole. Yeah, 100%. It's not waist. It's just the air of waist. We're going to stop at an academy sports and we're going to buy gloves because you need an ass whooping. Oh, my God.

Back to the kid. We're meeting your daughter's boyfriend. The feral creature. I want him to feel comfortable. Yes. To where he's going to show me his true colors. Right, good. Not like, I'm not your friend. It's almost like I'm setting bait. If he takes it, he's done. We're done. If he doesn't take it, I know he's a solid guy. Hopefully. Yes. So I want him to feel comfortable. I'm going to be stern, but maybe crack a joke or two. Let him talk, whatever. To where he goes into the relationship thinking, oh, her dad's cool. Cool, yeah, yeah. Because in the second, you're not cool to my daughter, your shit's over. Yeah, yeah.

Now, when do I get involved here? You get to come in. I'm going to fake end the conversation. I'm going to let Mama Bear take it over. I'm like, babe, I'm going to go get another glass of bourbon real quick. I'm going to be right back.

And then, as I walk back into the living room, Uncle P walks in with him. Maybe Uncle Ryan right behind us. CJ. It's a gang. They're terrified now. I mean, it is an insurgent. It's like a search and destroy six on one. He's not going to ace this round. Yeah, yeah. We're going to come in. We're going to clear all the corners. Uh-huh. And we're going to... He's going to be looking. Yeah. And the second he... Every time he looks...

Say he looks at you. This guy needs to get one foot closer. Yeah, 100%. He hears that footstep. He goes over here. You're moving. It's going to get to the point where there's 12 eyeballs surrounding this guy. So it's our job to put the actual fear. Because I don't want to be this little friend. I don't care about him. Exactly. Because I know. And they're 15, 16, right? You're not going to be with her forever. You're going to make her sad one day. You're going to break her heart. And I know you are. So you know what I'm going to do? It's true, baby. What's the probability she meets the love of her life at 15? You know what I mean? It happened to me.

happened to him yeah well leave me out so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna grab his shirt right and i'm gonna put yeah let me hear what you want to put my lips in that in that boy's ear oh i'm gonna say hey listen boy you ever seen seven before getting a hit call on him because he's dating my daughter i say you break my girl to in and out once you're getting his whole family off you break my niece's heart

You like your little Labradoodle at home? It's going to be hanging off a bridge in Guatemala. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You'd be like, I'll burn your shoes, dog, on your feet. Oh, my God.

You might not be there. If this... That is... He can immediately take you to law enforcement. At that point. Oh, what? That is insane. He can prove that I said that? He said he's going to hang my dog off a bridge in Guatemala. He's going to burn my feet and kill everyone I've ever known. That's... Okay, but... Okay, but then we know... He has to wake up and go to physics. But then we know he's not the one... Because we don't want a snitch in the house. We don't want him. If he's a rat...

He's out of there. No, but I'm definitely going to tell him. I'll be like, hey, Uncle P used to be a little city slicker. I know all your little

tricks all your little dirty dick tricks you're not going well okay okay don't put dirty dick on me i meant like a dirty trick using said penis okay i kind of i tried to make an alliteration i'm gonna be like there's no ice cream dates happening at 10 p.m on a wednesday on a school night i know what you're gonna go open at 12 besides waffle house and leg you know what i mean it doesn't smell like waffles to me get your ass back to your house and bring me my daughter you should know podcast

I

I am going to L.A. in a couple weeks. Tell me about it. I cannot wait to get into that lifestyle. You know how I am. West Hollywood. I'm a menace. Walking the streets. Oh, my God. Ain't a little Hollywood Boulevard. Oprah Winfrey. A little coffee bean in the morning. Mike Tyson. Beautiful clubs and night scenes at nighttime. Oh, and Madame Trousseau's wax museum. I can't wait to get involved in all that. And booking.com. Booking. Yeah, makes it possible. And they love it.

Make it easy. Booking.com's wide breadth of places to stay across the U.S. make booking whoever you want to be this summer so, so simple. From spacious villas for your bachelor, bachelorette parties. Congrats. To bed and breakfasts for your summer road trips. Happy birthday. There are so many great choices on Booking.com. What are you waiting for? This summer you can book whoever you want to be on Booking.com. Booking.com.

Book today on Booking.com. Now on to the rest of the episode.

Because the daughter's like a beautiful little pearl. She's a little fragile thing. Boy, I'm going to tell them. You do not be what Uncle P was like. Bro, but I'm...

I want you to understand this because Liv thinks that we're only going to be like this to the girl. If the boy goes and does some dumb shit. I'm putting hands on your kid. Yeah, he's just going to get like an elbow or a stiff jab. I'm like, hey, motherfucker. Yeah, like you don't do that. You don't treat because I didn't raise you to treat like that. We don't treat women bad. He didn't show you to treat women like that. Your mom, what if I did that to your mom? Would you feel some type of way? He'd say yes and I'd go, all right, cool. It's sticking. Anyway. Comedy podcast. Comedy podcast, only comedy purpose. I love you, son or daughter. I love you both. I've never put my hands on you.

Unless you do not. So, say, Liv, I need you to be all eyes and ears on this one. I'm not going to lie to you. Our daughter, 16 years old. I know what you're going to say, and I'm there for it. And this is not to be weird. And my daughter, when you see this in the future, this is to be weird. But it's just, it's a phase of life. Every girl did it. Every girl went through it. It's a phase of life. Every girl, yeah. Say she's done with her puberty. She's almost full grown. Mm-hmm.

She's trying to show off her body. God bless her. She's running around. That's what's on her mind, right? She's trying to impress the boys. She's trying to impress the boys.

But dad's a psychopath, right? I say, hey, it's 85 degrees. I want you in burlap sweats and a hoodie. Go to the mall and have fun. She goes, okay, dad, I love you. I get a kiss. Mom gets a kiss. She leaves. She gets picked up by her friends. Maybe she's out of the car at this point. She drives to Vanessa's house. She gets to Vanessa's. She's wearing shorts.

with her ass exposed and gets into a cami, as some women call it. Oh, it's a cami. A tank top. Oh, God, no. Oh, God, no. Oh, it's bad. I'm getting real worked up. I'm getting hot even thinking about it. If she does that, we already have a plan of action. I want you to hear it. We've been talking about this for some years. We've been talking about this for years before you were pregnant. P is going to go and B...

The Beverly Hills undercover cop for us. Oh, yes, he is. I don't care if you're looking at me and saying, no, he's doing it. I'm being Forever 21 hiding behind the shoes. He said he's going to go and scout on one of her first mall trips. Two things. If she did, in fact, change clothes into something way more revealing, that's just a conversation. Because I know her mind. I was a teenager. You were a teenager. She's not going to get necessarily doghouse in trouble, but we're going to have a conversation. Now, if she's doing shit...

that would disgrace our name. You see her smoking cigarettes in the back of a mall? If my girl is tongueing Eduardo and smoking a cig in the hallway of Auntie Anne's and Dick's Sporting Goods. Uncle P's got to have a forearm in her collarbone. Yeah. And be like, I know your parents. Uncle P has full permission to slap Eduardo first off, steal daughter, literally handcuff her. I'm just kidding. Take her back to the house and we're having a talk. Do you agree or do you not?

Oh, she can. She can walk around the mall with a boy. If she's walking around the mall with a boy. If I see her, if I see him touch her in an inappropriate way, I'm going to. Yeah. All right. Comedy podcast. Comedy podcast. Okay, now go. Take me through it. You go. You're scouting around the mall. You see stuff you don't like. How do you go about it? Go. Hey. Okay. Was she a dog? Hey, come here. I have a bell on my head.

No, I'm going to be like... Take me through the whole thing, though. You're creeping. What's your yardage? I'm going to have you on the phone. What's your yardage? How far back are we talking? You're like six cars back? Or you're like right up in there? No, no, I'm too big. I'm too big. And probably people are going to come take pictures, so I have to be kind of hidden. I got to be almost to where I can't see her. You have to dress like the old seminal days. 3XL, black hoodie, drooling. Oh, my God. You almost look like a ring wraith out of Lord of the Rings. God bless you. And so I'm going to be hidden. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this.

I'm going to be even more hunched at that point. I'm almost at a 90-degree angle. So my chin's going to be in my chest at that point. You're a walking L. Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to be looking, and I'm just going to be like, okay, she has the same clothes on. That's fine. That's fine. It's all good. That's good. She's such a good daughter. Such a good daughter. But then I see a boy.

I don't know that boy. Cam's never told me about that boy. What does he look like? Doesn't matter. I just want to know for the picture. You can tell he's a little rock and roll rug and tug. Does he have any piercing on his face outside of his ear? Yes. Get her out of there. He's got a little nose. He's got double nose piercings. He's a pretty boy. He's 16 with a full arm sleeve. Oh, if he's 16 with an arm sleeve and a little bull ring, there I know is Johnson's piercing. I know he's trying to get it looked at. Get her out of there. Save her. What's their first store? Spencer's? Get her out of there.

Save your niece. Save her. He has his nipple pierced too. Guaranteed. Honestly. Save her. Would you get your nipples pierced? Never in a million years. Didn't we know a guy that had their nipples pierced? Oh, no. He was in Austin. I knew him. Okay. I don't. Cut that out. But it's true. He did. Save your niece. Okay. So, yeah. Jokes. Jokes. Jokes. These are all just jokes.

I see that rug and tug boy, full arm sleeve, bull ring tattoos. Smells like musk. Like a good musk. You could tell he has a leather cologne. Like an animalistic. I'd be like, you are trouble. It's like bourbon and cedar wood, but the cologne's not a good one, so it doesn't last and it's like mixing with his body odor. Yeah, yeah. Damn. His hair, properly gelled. Properly gelled hair. Is it Gorilla Glue? Gorilla Snot? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But it's not Miss Jessie's. It's not Miss Jessie's. Does he purchase it at Walmart? No.

No, no. He gets that straight from his barber. Straight from his hairstylist. Good quality, hopefully. Good quality. No, you can tell he cares. He has a toothpick in his mouth. Does the skateboard. 100%. You can tell he knows how to do an ollie. You know what I mean? Supers on the feet? Oh, no. He has...

Vans with a design on them. Oh, God. He is him. Okay. Chain belt. This kid's good. I'm going to go up. And then I see him. I'd be like, I don't know him. I would go, Cam, do you know this guy? Do you know this guy that looks like Uncle Jesse from Full House? Like, do you know this guy? Tony Hawk? Yeah. You say no. I say no.

Eagle has landed. I'll be right back. I go five minutes recoup. I follow them through the mall. Okay. They go to the food court. Okay. Right? They sit down? No, no. They're ordering food. Oh, God. He orders first. Whoa, whoa.

Let my daughter go first. Right there. He orders his food. One big Slurpee, big hot dog. He goes and sits down. She's a free. Was there a gas station in the mall? Slurpee and a hot dog. Oh, okay. He goes, sits down, leaves your daughter to order by herself. Oh, God, no. No shot. She's rummaging through her purse. She has no money. She's a kid. Rummaging through her purse. You'll make sure she has money. But she spent it already. On what? Gas. So she's looking through her purse. She's panicked. She's panicked.

She's hungry now. She's not able to go get her food. She's hungry. I already hate this guy. My niece is hungry. Feed my niece. He is eating the hot dog and the Slurpee. I go up to him. I take that hot dog, shove it down his throat, pour the icy on him, take your niece back home. Real ass uncle right there, ladies and gentlemen. You know what I mean? Give it up for Uncle Pete. What a savage uncle. Yes or no, did the kid like the hot dog going down? She can hate me forever. No, she would not hate you. She can hate me for her teenage years forever.

I know these boys. I know how boys work. And honest to God, the fact that he did it away from her, that's like plus 10,000 aura for him because she didn't get physically embarrassed in the moment. Oh, I would never embarrass her. That's not true. I'm definitely going to embarrass your kids. Do you hold your breath when you poop? If I'm pushing? So yeah, pretty much every time. Like a... That's it. That's what it sounds like. How long do you push? Until I reach success. If you had to gauge it.

This might be a little graphic, but I have a good suck in, suck out method. You know what I mean? I got to... I'm like, but it's too long and I'm starting to get lightheaded. Right back up. We'll shoot that. You know when you go to the bank drive-thru and the thing goes right back up? The little tube? That's me. You know what I mean? I have a suction cup sphincter. You have a shop vac ass. Your shit... That is terrifying.

So you do for my, for my, my. Yeah, no, I'll go in and out five minutes until I, it's. Okay. You know what? I'm tired of this shit. I might have a hemorrhoid. I might have a hemorrhoid. If I were to bend over in front of y'all, you'd be like, is that a baboon or is that Peyton? You know what I mean?

I have the same ass as a circus clown's nose. It's bubbly and red. Okay, stop. And let's be honest with the world right now. If you sat down, because your answer is going to piss me off. If you sat down on a porcelain throne, no cell phone in sight, how long does it take you to poop?

No cell phone. From start to completion. What'd I eat? The second your ass hits. What'd I eat? Was it post-gym Chipotle? Regular diet. Regular diet? Post-gym doesn't count because your blood is going to other places. Your butthole might not expand as much. Is that a fact? I don't know. Okay. Sounds good. I would say no phone. I'm six minutes. Six, seven minutes. So am I disgusting for the fact that I can sit down... Mm-hmm.

Probably complete my entire poop. You don't wipe, so it takes some time off. Wipe my ass multiple times till completion, flush, stand up, and start to wash my hands in under 120 seconds. Your butthole is like a canal. You have a Hoover Dam asshole. Like your shit, you could import and export immigrants through your butthole. How wide open you are. You know what I mean?

You could ship... Pablo Escobar would use you as a mule. How wide open you are, if that's a fact. Did you just say, I can't remove immigrants with my asshole? Yeah. Is that really nasty, though? Like, if I don't have a phone... But I think another thing is, I wait until I'm almost about to shit on myself. If you were to bend over in front of me and I would speak... If I would speak into your butthole, there would be an echo. Okay, but... That's how wide open you are. I'd be like, hello, hello, hello.

Are you okay? We could use you as a megaphone or a live show. I'm like, they would be like, and you're speaking into this way and it goes, you're like, you should know.

They'd be like, we don't have any. We forgot the second mic at the stage. We forgot the second mic. It's all right. Cam will bend over. It's all right. Bend over. We're right here. Don't speak into him. Is that bad, though? Cam, I'm telling you, you have issues. No, I don't. How'd you get there? Bro, but that's the thing, though. I'm borderline hedgehogging before I sit down because I don't like bathrooms aren't hot to me. I don't like a bathroom. It's not a sexual experience. It's not at all.

Well, it could be. It could be. Depends on the height of the counter. Good morning. I have a seed that's going to watch this. Anyway. That's why you're here. That's hello. Good morning to you. I don't... Like, the second I sit down... God's honest truth. Yes. God's honest truth. Nothing for the podcast. Nothing any... Yeah, no comedy purposes. This is facts. This is fact. Okay. Eight out of ten of my poops could be done under 90 seconds. Cam... Bro, but it's not a weird thing. I'm not going...

Like, I'm not stressing. I literally sit down, and the second I sit, I guess I open, and it goes, and it's gone. And I'm like, that's not good, Cam. I go, I could use your ass as a sneaker closet.

You have a six-car garage ass. You could park three Hummers in there. I could park a Ford Raptor. We could get an ass. I could make a home gym. No, okay. No, that is strange. I'm 67 minutes because... See, now, I don't believe that. I have preparations on my sphincter. There's going to be at least... You ever had an open wound and blew on it? That's what it's like when I'm trying to poop. There's a sharp pain. It's like your thing is scabbed over and you've got to rip the scab off. Oh, my God.

Oh, I am sorry if any of you are eating right now. Holy hell. Oh, man. How quick is your turnaround time from eating to poop? Depends if I had enough liquid. Depends if I have enough oil to oil up the pipes. I looked at my dad different one time. First time I went to Vegas with him is when Vegas was still doing buffets and that was like the main part of Vegas. I know what you're going to say. My dad would kill like three plates.

He's not a huge man. He's not. That's a lot of food. Stout guy. Stout guy. Strong guy. Strong guy. He would eat three plates of an all-you-can-eat buffet, right? He'd be like, I'll be right back. He would go to the bathroom. He would clear himself out with his bunghole. Three more plates. And he says, are you ready to gamble? Now, I said, how do you still have an appetite after experiencing waste coming out of you?

In a room full of other people's waste to go complete some more spring ed girls. Yep. How does that happen? Are you that kind of guy? I have done that in a Chinese buffet and a local Applebee's. I think that's white people stuff. I stopped eating. Yeah. To shit. Okay. To return to food. That's disgusting to me. And I did it with a smile on my face. If I said, I said, I'm about an 85, went...

I said, now I'm at about 40. Let me go back and devour. So those chips and quesos taste even better when you got more room to fill. You know that's nasty. I wash my hands with soap. God bless you. You want to know why soap and hand sanitizers only kill 99.9% of germs? Because if they killed 100% of them, you'd never have to buy it again. That's also not true either. Dad joke of the day. That's not true. If you killed 100% of germs. Guess what? As soon as they kill 100% of the germs, you're going to go touch something else. You're going to go get re-germed.

So you could go kill 100% again? 100% of germs. What does that mean? If 100% of humans died, does someone else just wake up the next day? It's not a life or death thing. That's a false comparison.

Well, 100% of something is... All of it. All of the area that it is touching. No, no, no. Right here. But that's the joke. That's the joke. Okay, so I'm saying it's a dumb joke because it's not accurate. On the board of trustees at hand sand? Who are you? No, do you understand that that's wrong still, though? Yes, but the joke in the premise of the joke is because if it killed 100% of germs...

All germs die. You never buy it again. Which it was still not true, though. You would still have to go buy hand sanitizer again because you're going to go touch things with germs. You're fun at parties, aren't you? You're fun at parties. But am I right or wrong? You love shitting on dad jokes. Am I right or wrong? You're right. Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear you say. Put it on my tombstone. But a question. You know what I'm going to put on my tombstone? What? Cayman second place MVP voting to Duke Dennis. That's going to be on my tombstone.

Okay, but I have a question, though. And you're going to make fun of me, and I feel like a large percent of the internet is going to make fun of me. Get ready, y'all. We've been on tour, right? Yes. We've been driving around everywhere, flying around everywhere. I've been looking at streets, right? We're driving down to Houston. A lot of Martin Luther King abs.

A lot of Martin Luther King. There's a lot of Cesar Chavez elementaries. There's a lot of them, man. And I just, there's a lot. There really is. And I love it. Do you? I had friends that went to a Cesar Chavez elementary. You know the, but Cam, every time we pass by MLK, you're like, let's get off this street. You're like, I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. I said, I feel right at home on this street. I said, these are my people. I have a better life. You're like, why have they been standing outside for so long?

I'm like, are you not on the clock, brother? Oh, man. Yeah, that's bad. But I have a question. Genuine question. We've been driving around a lot of places and I've been reading street signs. And I have a question. Why are there different names for different streets? Not like Oak Street or like...

Lebanon Avenue. Not that. But like what is the difference? Why are some streets called street? Why are some streets called Lane Avenue Road Trail? Why is that? That is a hell of a question. God bless. And I have no clue. Okay let's try to figure it out together. Okay. Because every road like I would

If you're naming a road and the last word of it is trail, I should be experiencing some gravel here. I should see a sidewalk with some cool trees somewhere near my house. You know what I mean? I should see some body of water around. But what is a lane and what is an avenue? Yeah, and what is a drive? Driving is what I do, not where I stay. If I were to have an answer, I would say drive is around a residential neighborhood. Like, I feel like drive is we're going to go park a car soon at a house. Why? But is that not also just a road?

Let me break it down to you. Lane. What is a lane? Lane. I peel off the tollway and I just park and I'm there? Avenues, I think there's cities around. We're going down this avenue. There's a tall commercial building that's an avenue. I can get behind that. A lane, there's a lot of white people around. If you're going down a street that says lane, you're going to see four to five Caucasians every 30 seconds. I want to say something so bad. Don't. Don't.

The intrusive thought is there. I know what you're going to say. No, but I couldn't fully cultivate it or curate it in my mind. What the hell? What? Where? What's the ending of... This is a street. It's a street? Yeah. See, now what sense does that make? Because you just said... You said Avenue feels big building, city, but we're on a street. I don't understand it. We need to find that out. Yeah, why do... I think...

Honestly, I used to want my name on a street, and I felt like that would be the highest honor. Because I grew up... The highest honor? Yeah. That's the highest piece of valor you could get in your life, is to have a Peyton Harden street. Yeah, I want Peyton Harden court. Peyton Harden court. Yeah. Maybe not Peyton Harden Elementary.

No, no, not like a courthouse. Peyton Harden. No, no, no. Peyton Harden Recess Center. Peyton Harden. The highest honor is to have a street named after you? Yeah, because I'm on every Google Maps. If you're a building, you're on every Google Maps. No, but you have to. And you actually provide a service, not just driving. You have to touch me. Oh, my God. Your street would have potholes, no sewage system. There'd be weeds everywhere, no sidewalk. It'd be bad. No, no. They would just name it after me. My wife...

That was a crazy question. My wife just said, do you have to keep up with the street if it gets named after you? Yeah, that was a crazy question. Are you shitting me, Liv? You think Steve Harvey's out? You think MLK was out there cleaning up the street? Yeah, you think MLK is going to Pennsylvania, to Detroit, down to L.A., back to Texas? Look at this trash off our... Remembrance, legacy. Yeah, like a... But I want my old street in Pflugerville to be named Payton Hardin Court.

I feel like I could get it done. We're going to find this out. Away, exactly. I feel like away, it's connecting three streets to each other.

You know what I don't get about roads? And I want them to all be demolished or keep it in Germany. That clockwise... It's so confusing. No, you don't know how to do those. The other day, I actually said that out loud. The other day, I said that out loud because he was following us. Where were we going? It doesn't even matter. We were going, and I went in the roundabout, and I just went, smoothed in, went out, and I turned around and looked, and I literally saw you. You were like...

You're like looking left, right. You took like half a foot. You stopped the car hard. You're like, I was like, bro, like it's because there's too much going. And that wasn't in the driving test. Those didn't exist when I was 16. Oh my God. Okay. We have our answer. Let's go. Okay. Ready? Yep.

Actually, let's make a quiz out of this. I'm going to say each of them. You're going to guess the actual significance. And I'm going to say it's not just, oh, because it wants to be named this. There's actual reasons. Okay, let's go. So you're going to guess the reason. I'm going to say the actual reason. I'm excited. Okay, a road. Why are some ending in road? Why are they called a road? Because it was the original piece of land. It can be anything that connects two points. The most basic naming of conventions. Anything that connects two points is a road.

Oh, I thought you were talking about the street name road. No, it is. These are all these. Oh, okay. I didn't give you the Merriam-Webster of a road. I'm saying that's why it's called a road. That seems like that would be the definition of road. I'm saying probably back then, say neighborhood, there's literally like 12 houses and they build like a gas station.

That connects the neighborhood to the gas station. That'd probably be called a road or something like that. My understanding. Isn't it so impressive people that built roads in cities, like people that manufactured that, like how do all these roads connect? Think about roads back then. Like this road. Like the road that we're on right now connects to like Canada. Yeah. Dude, the Pan American Highway. Have you ever heard of it? No. Starts in Canada. Goes all the way. All the way to the bottom of South America. No, no. That's not true. There's ocean there. No, there's not. It's connected. Holy shit. Holy shit.

There's not an ocean between us and South America. Around it.

In between. We're not connected. We are literally connected. North America and South America. No, they're not. No, it's not. Wait, it's that one. Central America. That's what connects us. It's literal name. It's in the center. What country is in Central America? Like El Salvador, Nicaragua, Honduras, stuff like that. That's Central America. No, no, Cam. Think about this. No. Shut up. It goes from Canada. No, listen, dude. All the way down.

In the States, into Mexico, into Central America, however, there's a 60-yard...

60-mile, dense, dense forest once you hit South America called the Duarte Pass where you have to get in specialized vehicles to get through it to get back on the Pan American Highway. Why do you know this and you just learned how to make a fist two months ago? That's so crazy to me. You know about a road that goes to Guatemala and Nicaragua. You be careful. I like weird things. I have a lot of senseless, useless knowledge.

It's kind of fun, but it's kind of like, what am I doing? Pull up a map right now. Look. Canada, North America, and us. Well, no. That's all the same. Yeah. So us, our continent, right? Yeah. Florida's in there. Wisconsin. We're all here, right? Yeah, sure. So that's us, and Canada's there. Antarctica's a little bit up top to the left. Yes. And then you go down, and that's Mexico. That's still us. Correct.

Ocean. No. Yes, sir. Cam, I've looked at the map my whole life. Then you look at it wrong, you stupid bum. See, will you get that globe over there? Yes, get that globe. And Cam, I'll pay you $1,000 if there's not an ocean between us. I'll give you $1,000 right now. I'm telling you, you will have to give me $1,000 if you put your hand out. There's water all around it. There's oceans to the left. There's oceans to the right. The land connects. No, it does not. Put your hand out. $1,000.

Alright buddy. Watch this, watch this. When C comes, "Cam, I've looked at a..." Liv's like, "Mmmhmm." Alright, CJ brought the globe. Which one's us? You find it, buddy. Which one's us? Find it. Like, what globe? They're all the same. That's... Oh, shit me. Oh, what do you know?

No, this is an updated one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Yes! What about all the other ones? Little names right there. It's all the same thing! It's Mexico! That's not Mexico. That's a different country and the same land. Yeah! That's possible? Just how we have different states in the same land. Okay, we're all the same country though. What does that matter? Africa! We don't call it Central America. We don't call it North America. The continent of Africa? We don't say East America. The continent of Africa is what? Africa. Is what? Inside of it. Africa. Okay, say it one more time. See if that makes it right.

Sudan, South Africa. Sudan's in Africa? Do you, like, I need to steal your devices from you. I need to put you in front of the History Channel in a textbook for two months. I didn't get it. There's Africa as a whole, but there's a bunch of countries. Let's do it. Okay, I honestly, you're not giving me credit for how good I am at geography. Guatemala.

Guatemala, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama. All of it. Okay, you're not giving me enough credit for how good I am at geography, so give me a geography quiz. A geography quiz? Yeah. What do you, like what? Just a basic geography quiz. Okay. Geography quiz. So you are disturbingly bad at geography, so I literally entered in,

Most basic geography quiz. That is my actual Google search. Almost disrespectful. And you're still gonna probably surprise a lot. Here we go. What English sentence was that? I said a lot for that. Here we go. Geography quiz. Trivia. Very simple. I got it. Okay. What is the largest country in the world by area? China. Absolutely wrong. It's Russia. Russia and China is in the same continent. That's why I got confused. Uh-huh.

You're still wrong. It's country. Okay. It's Russia. So 0 for 1. Okay, well, that's fine. What river is the longest in the world? Nile. You better get that. Thank you. The Nile. Because... Yeah, go for it. Explanation time. Because... Yep. Denial is a river in Egypt. Your husband... What? Denial is a river in Egypt. Your husband... What are you saying? Yeah, denial is a river in Egypt. Your husband...

It's a Nicki Minaj quote. I'm a Barb. So I'm one for two. Well, f*** me. I don't know what just happened. Which country has the most natural lakes? Huh? Which country has the most natural lakes? America. Wrong. Canada. It's our next door neighbor. Canada's got lakes? Got a whole hell of a lot of them. This is basic? Very basic. What is the smallest country in the entire world?

This is going to be a trick one, dude. You're not going to get it right. Smallest country. It's one of the little ones. Okay. Is it south or east? Excuse me? What about north and west, you creep? Because I know it's either south or east. I'll give you a hint. It's in Europe. Oh, UK. Okay.

The United Kingdom. You're like a ferret on fentanyl. You say stuff that makes no sense, makes no correlation, and it's like the second you hear something, something gets triggered and you just spit something out. I said Europe, you go, oh, UK. UK is big. UK is quite large. No, because I heard you can drive 45 minutes from one side to the other.

by trolley. We're going to the tube. You want some frish and grits? Frish and grits? The answer is Vatican City. Did the queen get shot? What? Did the UK queen get shot? I don't even know if I can say it. No, she didn't get shot. Oh. She's died. Oh. Are they inbred? No, I can't say that. I can't. I heard that they all touch each other and stuff. Was Princess Diana in there? They got old Alabama down in the UK. Okay.

They say, come to Birmingham, Essex. Well, I'm not trying to be offensive, but I'm hearing internet rumors. Let's do some research before we bring it to light. Well, I hope she's okay. Well, she's not, but here we go. Largest desert in the world. If you don't get this right, I actually leave. Sahara. Okay, thank you. Come on now, come on. Which country has the longest coastline?

Do you need the definition of a coastline? I don't know what the f*** is a coastline. The line. Yeah. The line of the country that touches water. Coastline. Like how Florida has it. Correct. But now you're thinking whole country. What has the longest? Australia because it's all across the country. Wrong. Is it just one side are we talking about? No. It just says which country has the longest coastline. Probably the biggest country, which is Russia. Wrong.

But you saw where I was going. I saw the attempt. Do you want to know the answer? On the count of three, do a quick guess. Ready? One, two, three. United States. That's awfully wrong. That's horribly wrong. Let's go again. One, two, three. Africa. It's a continent, not a country. Here we go. One, two, three. Egypt. No. Egypt. I don't know. You're rushing me. Canada. Canada has the longest coastline.

Who knew Canada had all these spectacular things? Canadians. And they got Canada. Drake. What mountain is the tallest in the world above sea level? Mount Everest. Thank you. Thank God. I thought it was Kilimanjaro. What is the capital city of Australia? The one you're thinking is absolutely wrong, so just stop yourself now. Yeah, no, no, no. Canberra. Who? Yep. Which two continents are entirely in the southern hemisphere?

That's below the equator. There we go. We only have seven. Is the equator a real thing? Is that a physical line you can see? A physical line. Because I remember... You think there's a wall. No, no, like a line. Oh, like a laser? Is it paint in the water? What would this line be made of? That's my question. Is it millions of buoys in a perfect little line? Is Vegas and Phoenix on the equator?

Is that why it's so hot? Because I remember it gets hotter there. Miss Winkler taught me that. And she had it. The reason I think there's a line because she used to take the globe after school tutoring session because I want to pass the third grade. She made a line and she said, that's the equator. And I said, don't get it. Thanks, Wink. And she goes, it's hot. You got a couple more. Okay, here we go.

Slow down, though. Answer the question. I already asked you the question. What was the question? What two countries are entirely in the southern... Continents, rather, are entirely in the southern hemisphere? Don't word with me. South America and Africa. Those are the lowest. Antarctica. Wrong. Yes, that's one. Oh, Antarctica...

Australia. Australia. You can say, thanks to your lifeline. Okay, two more. Okay, two more, and if I get these right... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. If I get these two more, if I get these two right, I pass the whole quiz. Agreed. Okay. Here we go. What is the largest island in the whole world? Are countries considered islands? Technically, right, because an island is just a boot... I'm completely surrounded by water. Australia. Wrong. Quiz failed. Greenland.

I thought that was cold. It is. That doesn't have anything to do with being an island. Islands can be hot. Islands give hot, don't they? Islands give beach vibes, like a nice little sangria. I was going to say sangria. Toes in the sand, a little crab pulling up, Snoop Dogg in the back. Smoking a blazing. Getting blazed. Okay, give me one more. Give me one more. Getting high as a kite. Here we go. Here we go. That's a close word to something I can't say. Okay.

Here we go. Last one. If I get this right, I win. What country is known as the land of the rising sun? Egypt. No! That gave pyramid. What country is known as the land of the rising sun? I don't know too many countries. What country is known as the land of the rising sun? China. No. What country is known as the land of the rising sun? Germany. Wrong. What? What country is known as the land of the rising sun? America. No.

ever heard anyone say I'm proud to be in the land of the rising sun or at least I know no okay I know it now okay Canada because they won everything so far no they're amazing Canadians are great

We're going to do in sync. Madam Trousseau. What country is known as the land of the rising sun? Give me a country's name. Give me a start of the letter. Letter name. Give me the name first. No, because they'll give it away. Okay. What is a country known as the land of the rising sun? What continent's it on? What continent's it on? You're making me panic. It's on the other side of the world. It's not here with us. Behind us or in front of us? It's not behind us or in front of us as if we're a doorway. Can I get the map at least? Give me the map so I can have a multiple choice. Here we go. Ow. Ow.

Ready? Land of the rest. So it's not, I'll give you this. I will literally X out. India. No. New Delhi. Does that say the N word on here? Read it. You know the N word. No. Not Nigeria. It starts with an N and it ends in an E-R.

No. It's called Niger or something. What country? I'm going to eliminate four continents. It's not in North America. It's not in South America. It's not in Australia. It's not in Antarctica. So it's in Africa. You have one more chance and I'm going to tell you. Is it in Africa or Asia? Asia. Oh, okay. Think smart. I don't know how to say some of these names. Pakistan. What?

Japan, dog. Ain't nobody ever called it that. Land of the Rising Sun gives very much Asian culture, beautiful things. Come on. Your second guess was China. Okay, give me it. I'm going to see if you're so much better. No. Yes. We've already done this before. No, we haven't. Yes, we have. We've never done a geography one. Not a geography. Then give me the thing. All right, here we go. I hope to God I can get some. I already asked you all the easy ones. It's going to be embarrassing. None of those were easy. What is the capital of Egypt?

The capital of Egypt? Yeah. I don't think it's Alexandria or Cairo. Dude, you're such a loser, bro. You had no friends or fun. I love Egyptian culture. Dude, this is so stupid. I already told you that. I love Egyptian culture. Okay, I'm going to ask you to... I mean, to an extent, but that's like world... I have my bits and pieces that I like. Other shit I might not know. Why is this all just the capital?

did you click on different which canyon is considered the deepest in the world oh that's not even a sentence like that literally says the yugaluca taxing i'm not gonna grand canyon the yugaluca which river forms the border between the united states and mexico oh that's is that the guadalupe no no what is that hold on rio grande rio grande i said one i said it too quick

When's the first time you touched grass? When you were 14? Loser. What ocean is the largest and deepest on Earth? Pacific. Who knows that? What is the capital of Hungary? You want me to tell you the capital of Hungary? Yeah. I don't know that much. Budapest. Budapest. Okay, I'm going to ask you one more, and if you get this right, I punch you. Here we go. You ever been hit on camera? I get two more. Two more, okay. Okay.

Channel my inner geography. What is the smallest country in the world? I literally asked you that, and it's the Vatican City. I literally asked you that question. Jesus Christ. Not only do you not know geography, you have a memory of a parrot. Like, something very small brain. What mountain is the tallest in the world above sea level? I literally asked you these. Mount Everest. You did? Are you shitting me?

Use that fat thumb and scroll a little bit. You're like right there. What is the largest island in the world? You're f***ing me! I asked you! Greenland! I asked you that! You don't even listen to me! You don't love me! Okay. What? What is the capital of Japan? Tokyo. That was a give me. What is the name of the largest island in the world? Payton! I asked that already? You're not being serious!

You just said that. Are you smelling toast? Are you hot? Like, I'm thinking about that called paramedics. You just said, like, maybe 44 seconds ago. Oh, he must have asked it twice on here because I scrolled. That's why I got confused. Well, it's not my fault. What if he's like, okay, what's the largest... Okay, which C is the saltiest in the world? Ooh. I know this one.

Is it the Dead Sea? Yeah. Okay. Hey! Round of applause for Cam! All he did in his childhood was eat ham sandwiches and play Rubik's Cube! Loser. I ate bologna foldovers and played Millsberry. While we were listening to Lil Wayne Lollipop, Cam was listening to TED Talks on his iPod. What a nerd. Are you kidding me? What a... What a... Hey, go. Hey. You touch a box or two. Golly.

All right. I've used this knowledge. Hey, instead of geography, do you want to save some people's relationships and love life? Yeah, but real quick. Real quick. Oh, my God. Because I was thinking about old stuff when I just said that. And real quick. I know I used to. Okay. Okay. So, you know, when you watch an old TV show or an old movie. They all suck and the gun sounds sound horrible. Okay. When I watch it, I can't imagine looking at that in real life. Like what it looks like in real life.

I don't know what you're saying. So, you know, okay, so you know how I used to say I thought the world was in black and white whenever TV was in black and white? Unfortunately, yes. As an adult, my thing is I can't put my eyeballs, like, you know how everything is HD here in front of us? Like, you're HD, the lights are HD, the couch is HD. Everything looks so new and crisp. I can't imagine going back to whenever, like,

Gunsmoke was out or MASH or Family Matters or Full House. It looked the exact same. I can't imagine that though. Why? I can't imagine seeing that. I don't know. So you think people's eyes were just worse back then? Kinda. It's like the same thing as black and white. You know what I mean? Because I used to think the world was black and white whenever TVs were black and white. I think the world was like in 420p. Like I can't imagine seeing John Wayne

He would look dope as hell, first off. So if you sat courtside at a Bill Russell basketball game. I can't imagine that. You don't think he would look the exact same as sitting courtside now? I can't imagine seeing like Delonte West. I can't imagine seeing Delonte West hitting on LeBron's mom in 2008 at a Heats game in person. I can't imagine seeing that. You know what I mean?

I don't, you're, you're, you, that is a, that is either a, that's like a flower induced thought. That's like a shower thought or something. No, that's like, why doesn't glue stick to the bottle type shit? There's nothing to be. You've never, you've. Holy shit. That's a good question. You've never heard that. I swear to God, I haven't. Yeah. Glue. I talk to women, dog. I don't know your science questions, brother.

In school, I was in the back of B-Hall tonguing down Caitlyn, dog. Like, that's what I was doing. I wasn't paying attention. I was being a peer tutor.

It was a hall monitor, brother. Oh, my God. Kaelin was a part of the Anti-Bullying Association. I had a 4.0 and you had a 2.6, but mine came with zero social skills and no women, and you were tongue-in-Kaelin. Man, the dichotomy of this podcast. I've never met a Kaelin. I've met a Kaelin. Clark.

Okay, but that was a stupid question then. Yeah, I mean it's... But do you see where I'm coming from? That's simple. That's from cameras. So you can imagine watching Gunsmoke or Mashed. Yes. Or like old school Jeopardy. Bro, if you and me went and bought... In person. If you and me went and bought revolvers and went to a fake little western town right now and stood at each other and did that, that's exactly what it would look like back then. You can imagine that though?

You can imagine watching a Bruce Lee movie. I can imagine Ruby being seven feet tall and talking English. It's not hard to imagine something that's real. But it doesn't make sense. Imagine. Imagine. It's easy as shit to imagine a movie 50 years ago.

But in person, and it being in, like, 1080p 4K, like, seeing that in real life with your eyes, like, can you imagine that? Say it again! There's nothing to imagine! If you were born, if you were this exact same age right now, but it was 1950s. I wouldn't. I would have different water fountains. I would. That water would be crystal clear. Well...

Nah, they probably didn't have the cleanest waters. But I'm saying, it'd be 4K. It's your eyeball. But that's crazy to think. Why? Like, imagine, what's the dude's name? What's the dude's name that had the silent movies? What? The guy that painted his face and he did the silent movies and he would jump on trains. What's his name? Is that a real thing? Yes. Y'all don't f***ing know shit. Imagine Charlie Chaplin watching Charlie Chaplin act in person.

That wouldn't look like, you can't imagine seeing that in real eyes. You can't imagine seeing that in HD, in person. That's so dumb. That's like saying, imagine watching Bernie Mac do a stand-up. I can't imagine seeing Bernie Mac in his cool-ass suit being like, I ain't scared of you. You can't imagine that. I ain't scared of you. Come on! You know what I mean? Imagine seeing Steve Urkel in person on the set of Family Matters.

Like, and seeing his clothes be, like, new. That doesn't affect y'all's brain at all? No. Hmm.

Do you know yourself? Yeah. It's scary. I think it's like an identity thing. You think so? Deep in there. Well, somebody in the comments will agree with me. Someone probably will. Let's help some people. And y'all are in that same boat. Let's help some people. Dr. P! Dr. P! Dr. P! Dr. P! Dr. P!

Dr. P. All right, here we go. We found one. This week's submission. Again, it's always just randomly selected. It's not like if you send it four times, we're going to pick. It's just we go through and randomly click it. Hey, your job is not to explain. Your job is to read. Here we go. Dear Dr. P. Hello. Hope you're doing well. Thank you. I'll go straight to the problem. I've known my bro for 12 years. Okay. And he's dating now, but he's not giving me enough attention.

We used to hang out and play video games a lot. But now he's not that active with me. And he's the only one I have. Can you please help me? Oh, man. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Listen. And I'm not gonna lie to you. He said, if you need to call, here's my number.

This looks like a routing number. There's so many numbers. I almost want to read it. I'm not going to, but let me see it so I can see it. I'm going to give you fake numbers, but the amount, the link. One, six, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four

And you should be happy for your brother because he's happy. You know what I mean? Speak that hard. Speak that hard. Speak that hard. Yeah, Anthony! All right, go. Go, doctor. No, honestly, you should be happy. I don't even like video games. Here we go. All right. This is what you do. You should be happy, first of all, for your brother. Agreed. Agreed. Finding somebody that he really cares about. Agreed.

ecstatic, I would say. But as your bro, you can have a conversation with them. Be like, hey, listen, brother, I'm super excited for you. I am so happy for you that you found somebody. But at the end of the day, because everybody has an independent relationship with everybody in the world. You know what I mean? With everybody in their life. And I think it is wrong if you totally negate a previous relationship with

for somebody new even if that person is bringing you a lot of happiness so as a friend you come up to them and be like hey i i would still i want you to be i want y'all to have y'all's time and be fun but like don't forget about me bro i miss you you're my brother like i want to spend time with you but then very noble thing but then dr p comes out oh god if you don't want to go the good route you go good old toxic nasty route i'd like to say turn into a gardener a gardener dr p what are you talking about

You go to Home Depot, you grab a seed, and you go up to your friend's girl, and you plant it. You plant that seed on her. She's going to be like, wow, this is a seed? I wonder what this is for. Every time you go see your bro's girlfriend, you water that a little more. Water it. Maybe a little flirtatiousness. Amazing analogy, by the way. A little bit of flirtatiousness. Then you see that little stem start to poke out of the soil, and you'd be like, my plant's growing. Is that cherry tomato? What is that?

Maybe it's a limon tree. Put some limon on it! And then you keep watering it. You keep watering it until your bro's girlfriend's got a nice connection with you. You go to a party one day. This house has a lot of rooms in here. You want to see that room? I heard it has a cool painting in it. You sleep with your bro's girl. You end that relationship. Now it's just back to you. You and him. Damn. That's tough. I wouldn't suggest that, but that's Dr. P.

But what I would suggest is, what I suggest is you leave him alone. He's happy finally. Dr. P, Dr. P, Dr. P, Dr. P, Dr. P. Dr. P. Sounds like CJ.

Yeah, because Cam has been off the walls recently. We haven't talked to him in a long time. I don't know what it is. Joe, I know exactly what it is. Happy for you to love you to death. No, I'm saying we haven't talked to you in a while.

It was about you. It was about you. What was about me? That. The submission. We haven't talked to you in a while. You're nuts. You're nuts, you psycho grizzly beard bastard. All right. All right. Let's get out of here, man. Thank you so much. Coming back for another week, episode 123. Hopefully we performed. We showed up and showed out in the beautiful city of Austin this weekend. Hopefully we did good. Take all the clips you found from the Creator League, from DreamCon. Tag us in that. If we took a picture with you at DreamCon, let us know.

Tag us and all that. Thank you so much for coming back. Confuse the casuals. Get your good karma with this week's code. God, be careful. K-I-D. KID, but it also stands for...

You're never going to guess it. Koalas and DreamCon. Koalas and DreamCon. Koalas and DreamCon. If you're there and you see us, don't be... I mean, hell, you're there. That's all that happened. But hopefully you popped out. You said what's up. And then hopefully we can represent the Koalas in the beautiful game with hundreds of thousands of people watching, and we do good. So, confuse the casuals. Leave it everywhere. Leave it here. Leave it Instagram. Leave it Facebook. Everything. Don't forget to follow us on all the platforms. Go get all the goodies everywhere. Facebook.com.

Twitch, Discord, Patreon. They're all linked below. We absolutely love you. Can't wait to see you next week. And remember, one out of ten clawbears don't make it home to Christmas and we will see you next time. Yeah. No, CJ, just do what he said. Just take the advice.