PROPOSING AT MY BEST FRIENDS WEDDING?! -You Should Know Podcast-
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The You Should Know Podcast. Welcome back to the You Should Know Podcast, episode 125. Round of applause. Please, let's go. Oh, it feels amazing. It's so great. Every single week. Hey, everybody. Welcome back.

Welcome back to the Usual Dope Podcast, episode 125. If you're new here or if you haven't already, you can look below. You see the subscribe button isn't pressed. You're wrong. If you look even more below that and you see that comment section isn't fulfilled with your name, guess what? Even more wrong. Go ahead and fill that out. Get your good freaking karma. Guys, we are back. Another Monday, episode 125.

We are so happy, we are so blessed and so grateful to have each and every single one of you tuning in every single week on Spotify, leaving a review on YouTube, hitting that subscribe button, leaving a like, leaving a comment, watching the whole episode, sharing with your friends and family. We are so grateful, so thankful. We have announcements coming up and I know we've been saying that for a while now.

But we are making sure everything is curated and perfect because you know if we put our name behind something, if we're going to give something to y'all, it's going to be the best we can possibly make it. And it's just going to come out like this. Announcement, announcement, announcement, announcement, announcement. It's going to be a lot and I hope that y'all love it. We've been putting a lot of work into it.

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The You Should Know Podcast. We got co-host Cam back in the studio. Get the camera, go, camera, go, camera, go, camera, go, camera, go, camera. Good morning to you. I am a baby daddy. Yes, and Cam, I'm not going to lie to you. I understand now because you're wearing gray shorts and you're jumping up and down. It was like you had a slinky in your right pocket. You heard it. And it works. Oh, it works. And what does it produce? It produces boys. Yeah, Cam's going to live.

Boy! Boy dad, boy dad. If you didn't see on all of our socials, via posts, via sharing, all that good stuff, we had the gender reveal this last weekend, and it was a boy. So shout out to Mama Liv. She's almost halfway done with the pregnancy. Halfway! Halfway!

Yeah, you are. You're almost halfway. I don't know what halfway is. What's a half of nine? When this comes out, she'll be sitting at about almost 17 weeks. The whole thing's 40, so she's almost halfway. There's a little baby boy in there. Little baby boy. This week it says it's forming facial expressions and it's the size of an avocado. Oh. I could just pop that out and spread it on some toast with some egg and sausage and some pink Himalayan salt.

I don't know if you can say that. I don't know, but avocados are delicious and so are my children. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm stopping. Oh, man. A lot of avenues here that I was going to go with. A lot of roadways. A lot of roadways. A lot of trails. A lot of drives. A lot of bridges. Parkways. Avenues. Tunnel.

A road in the tunnel is the same thing. Street. No, it's not. Oh, my God. Okay, we're going to get into the gender reveal because you had that and it revealed the gender. It did. It did. 100%. It was a success. You were there as well? We figured out what that thing was. Yeah, it worked. The cannon shot. We went to Oklahoma. We did. For your gender reveal party, right? We did. Oklahoma, and as we've said it before, might be...

The worst state in the world. It is a barren wasteland. You know, it is literally like... Imagine, right...

An apocalypse happened, right? And then the rest of the world was like, we fixed everything. Yeah. But Oklahoma was like, we like the wasteland. We like the toxic gas floating around. Oklahoma's a strange place. Now, that is not to discredit all of our amazing friends and family in Oklahoma. We love them. Love them. And we love their humble abodes. We love them. Their vehicles and their places of work. Oh, we do. Now the rest of the state. Burning. Huh? Yeah.

Honestly, if we could exile one state from the United States, I think Oklahoma would rank top three. Rhode Island. Rhode Island is pretty. You've been? Yeah. We've all been to Rhode Island.

No, we haven't. Oh my God, we didn't drive to Rhode Island? We might have passed through for a hop, skip, and a jump. Beautiful scenery. Beautiful scenery. We were on a broken bridge with construction and we saw a sign that said Rhode Island. I would much rather live on that broken bridge for the rest of my life than spend six months in Oklahoma. Don't say it. Don't say it. Hey, okay.

Let's just break this down real quick. I had something to go with, but you can break it down. Oh, then you go. No, I was leading into a topic, but I feel like yours is more... It's not. I was going to say, do you believe that Oklahoma is actually going to build the world's tallest building? Yeah, but let's not make it too hard. It's going to be bigger than the Burj Khalifa. Yeah, I have a plan about that. I've told you about it, what I'm going to do with that.

Jog my memory. Oh, I can't say it out here because people are going to take it. But, oh no, it's going to be advantageous for me and me only. Oh, well, it's a personal thing. Am I? No, it's okay. Okay. It's all right. Tell me after. I'll tell you after. Okay. But you're going to want a part of it and you're not involved. It's okay though. Can I swindle my way in there? You can do it on your own, but if you do, I will be taking a percentage of what you do off my idea.

So can I just get in on your idea with you? No, because I want all the benefits. Okay. That sucked. All right. What were you going to say? I was going to say we're in Oklahoma, right? Shit place. Yeah. Terrible place. The worst place. That's where they... Like, that is like... You ever thought of hell?

He goes, good. No, it's not hell. It's like purgatory. Okay, it's a weird place, Oklahoma, right? It is. Strange place. One of the weirdest things I saw in Oklahoma, right? I drove up there by myself because I didn't want to really be with anybody. So I was driving there by myself, right?

I was going over this back road, which is 90% of the state. Back roads tumbleweeds and ass. Yeah. So I was driving through this back road, and there was a road sign, right? I was on flat, normal road. Not a bridge. Nothing. Nothing below. Nothing on the side. Regular road on earth. As above, so below. God bless. Great movie. She had cancer. That's not the same film. Oh.

What's the one with the... She had the tube in her nose and it was a blue background. Everybody read it in middle school. Oh, the film I'm talking about is they explore the catacombs under Paris. And there's dead... No, I talked to women. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't talk to women. I was on this road, right? Yeah. Sorry. I was on this road. On the road. Pure road. Pure road. Nothing under it. Nothing on the side. No walls. There was a sign that said, weight limit on this road. And I said...

Excuse the fuck out of me, right? What does that mean? Or am I going to go to the mantle?

If I drive with an 18-wheeler on this thing? Am I going to taste earth's crust if I bring a freight shipment on this road? Yeah, what the hell? Okay, see, that's what I was confused about. That's living proof that Oklahoma sucks. Okay, but have you ever even, like, a weight limit on a non-bridge on just earth? Yeah, like, what does that mean? Do you have soft ground? Do you have squishy ground in Oklahoma? It's like the top of my head, that ground. I do have a squishy skull syndrome. I love it.

Honest to God, you need me like Play-Doh. Say we hit, let's do it for our two million. Okay? Two million subs. That's hopefully sooner than later. Exactly. Let's get to one first. We both buzz our heads off. And we show your spot in my burning white...

No, keep going. Keep going. You shit your pants. No, no. You shit your pants in the middle of my sentiment. My fault. That is your fault. Your eyes look quite droopy. Your eyes are very low.

You know how some people, when they get older, their face changes a lot? I think I'm melting. I think you are, too. Oh my God, I said that the other day, too. You think so? I said, you need to open your eyes. You're looking a lot like Brandon Ingram. You need to open your eyes. That's offensive. We like Brandon. We do like Brandon, but he has the same hair, crazy hair as you, with the scruffy beard and his eyes about like that. They're always low. Anyway, do you shave your head and show the world your gushy spot, your reset button? If I shaved my head...

Children would mistake it for a skate park with the little finger skateboards. The tech deck? The tech deck. Some kid's like, hey, let me do a... You just kick them off. It goes flying. I'm going to do something with my hair soon, right? Oh, you...

I'm not spoiling it. Don't spoil it. No, no, don't spoil it. But I'm nervous because people might see the shape of my skull. Bro, that's me too. No, but you're going to be fine. I'm in a blood oath pact with you and CJ and Liv, and I have not upheld it so far. You've made thousands of blood oath pacts to me, and you have not upheld the majority of them. So I'm going to die relatively soon because my blood's running out. Yeah, it was bad. Okay, but...

That- Go ahead. I said something that struck a thought. No, we're good. You'll go to jail if you strike a thought. Anyway. Don't advocate for that. We are, uh... So sorry. So good. My bad. Why do I feel- I have a hunch. I know it's false. I have a hunch too. It's like...

Sorry. I'm sorry. I had a lot of caffeine. Oh, I did too. I'm starting to think that with your spare time, you read. Now, I know that's not true. I know that is so far from the truth. You will demon scroll for three and a half hours. You'll open your eyes and it's dinner time. And you go, where am I? In your own house. You'll be on your couch and you'll be like...

And you forget where, it's like you're immersed. It's like you're wearing a MetaQuest, but you're just on a phone like this. So I know it's not true. But these quick-wittedness, you're either studying or you're just, damn, you're getting good. You're like a good wine. I don't like this. Like you're aging well. I don't.

Let me shower you with compliments right now until I can't think of another one. 1. You're sexy. 2. Your Johnson's nice. 3. Your hair, when you do the new thing, it's gonna be cool. 4. Your eyes glisten in the summer midnight. Uh, that's not a real thing. Uh, 5. Your kneecaps. They're a bit strange, but I like them for who they are. 6. The loss of hair behind the kneecap. I don't like that one. I just wanted to point it out. 7. Your socks don't have enough wrinkles.

Eight, you dress always good. Nine, you're a great friend. Ten, you're humorous. Eleven, you smell decent most of the time. And twelve, I like the hat selection. I got the second compliment. Let's put that out there. Sorry, CJ, but I did. I soiled your britches. You know what I mean? They are mine. Damn it. They're mine. Okay. Okay. No, I don't want you to do that to me either. Oh, you have a great personality and a big heart. And a big head.

So let me tell you something that happened, right? You just showered me with compliments, but one of the things you didn't compliment me on, which I'm probably the most confident in about myself, is my ability to act under pressure. Very good. I'm very good at that. Very good.

And it happened recently, and I have the craziest story and probably most embarrassing story that has ever happened to me. Oh! Yes, you finally get to tell me. So I told Cam that something crazy happened to me, and I said, I can't tell you. I've got to wait for the podcast. He hit me with a code red and then didn't tell me. So that almost gets your code red...

availability withdrawn. But on my code red, I had a fine print. It was a caveat. Yeah, I told you. Oh, my God, I'm ready. And I deadass, 110% of everything I tell in this story happened exactly how I'm about to say it. Oh, my God. Not the breath. Not the breath you said. So last week was your gender reveal, right? It was. We drove separate cars. We did. The gender reveal was in Oklahoma. We're in Dallas. Correct. It was about how long was the drive?

Three hours. It's like 2.53. It was like a three-hour drive. I have a Tesla, so I had to go charge my Tesla at a local supercharger. If you don't know, those are public, right? Yes. A lot of people are there. It was a morning, right? Mm-hmm.

I woke up that morning, the day to drive to your gender reveal, a little stinkier than normal. Right? And I had a bad breakout, right? I was like breaking out on my face. And I have a concoction of medicine. It's like a concoction of vitamins, right, that I take, and it takes them away. Right? It just takes all the acne away. Okay. So, but one caveat about my concoction of medicine is that if you don't eat before...

And after it, you will get dizzy. Like that's just what happens. And I've learned this myself because I'll take it at night and then I'll be like in my bed spinning. I'll be in a pool. But we're in a rush, right? I have to hurry up and charge my car. It takes like an hour to charge all the way for a trip. I take my concoction of vitamins. I go to Chick-fil-A. I'm like, okay, I'm going to go eat while I'm charging. I go to Chick-fil-A. I grab my normal chicken minis, hash browns, orange juice. I'm like, okay.

I pull to the supercharger. Haven't touched any of the food yet. As soon as I pull into the supercharger, it is full. There's only one spot left. There's like 12 cars there. They're all in their car. Everybody's in their car. And they're all Teslas. All Teslas. Good morning to you. I get out of my car, plug it in, right? I sit down in my car. I close the door. About to enjoy my chicken minis. As soon as I sit down, I look at my screen on my Tesla.

Why does that shit look foggy? Why are the numbers starting to move? And I'm like, oh no. I have a good radar whenever I'm about to get sick. I know some shit's about to go south. I'm looking at the screen. I'm like, oh shit. Oh no. So I recline my seat all the way back. I'm like, I just need to lay down a little bit. I just need to lay down.

I'm laying down, and as soon as I close my eyes, I have vertigo. I feel like I'm spinning in circles. I'm like, oh, this isn't good. This isn't good. I sit back up. I'm starting to sweat. I'm like, I am getting ill right now. I know with my concoction of vitamins, I need to eat. I open up my hash browns. One hash brown. Very hard to eat one hash brown. I'm like, oh, no. Maybe I've gone past the expiration date of eating after the vitamins. Oh, man.

I see my chicken minis. I was like, maybe I need that bread. Maybe I need that yeast. One chicken mini, I take one bite of it. I'm like, tastes like poison. That was tough to get down. But I just scarfed down the rest. It takes me like literally a minute to chew and swallow this one chicken mini. I start to sweat more. I get more dizzy. I'm starting to hallucinate goddamn near. This is the worst. I'm like, there's little goblins in my car now. I'm like, okay, it's a morning. There's still a little morning dew outside. There's a little breeze. Maybe I need to take a walk.

I open my car door, right? I stand up. As soon as I stand up, I can't feel a thing in my body. I'm like, oh, no, let me just take this walk. I close my door. I'm still in front of 13 other Teslas with people inside of them. I'm walking. I'm walking. And all of a sudden, and my whole mouth fills with vomit. Like, okay, I'm going to hold this until I can go behind this bush and throw up.

I got to hide from these people because I don't like to even sneeze publicly. Yeah. Talking about our cough. Talking about throwing up. Throwing up publicly for you is like a public execution. Like you would rather go under the guillotine than vomit in front of strangers. So I'm walking away. I'm trying to walk away kind of cool. You know how I am. I don't like to show panic. You're like. That's exactly how I was doing. But as my mouth was filled with throw up.

Part two is coming. So I go and it shoots a little bit out. I look back in this lady is in the car. She's like looking at me. I was like, oh, no. So I jog over to that bush. Right. You know, it was a supercharger we were at today. OK, it's like right by that sign with all the stores. I hide behind that and I'm letting go. I'm throwing up. Right.

But I'm looking up, and cars are starting to just passing by looking at me. And I'm like, oh, no, this is bad. I'm starting to have a panic attack. You're sweating big. I go the other way. I go to, like, a different part of the parking lot where I think I'm blocked off. I'm starting to throw up some more. It won't stop to the point where I'm starting to get tired of throwing up. So I'm sitting down. I swear to God. You sat down? I sat down, and I was trying to play this off. So I grabbed my phone, and I'm literally fake scrolling through my phone going like this. Okay.

I'm tearing up. It's on my lap. It's on my phone. I kid you not. And then more cars are coming this way. I have to find a third spot to throw up. I go a little bit more down to where the Patello Brothers is. I'm outside of there. I'm sitting down or I'm standing up.

And I was like, I have to stand up to throw because it's all over me now because I don't want it to get on me anymore. I stand up and I'm fake tying my shoe and I'm going, a car I hear comes behind me and they go, no way.

And I'm like, I look back. They got their phones out. And they're like, Peyton, Peyton from the podcast. You should know podcasts. I'm throwing up, making eye contact at like some 16 year olds. And they're like, bro, are you okay? I swear to God, I go. And they're like, bro, do you need water? They're handing me water like I'm a puppy. And I'm like, I'm so embarrassed. I run back to my car.

throw up on me i go home i throw up some more shower change and i went to your gender reveal that's the story that happened i swear to god it was literally the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened holy shit i was hoping whenever we drove to the trash can today uh-huh one of my throats my sit-down throw spot was like that little bush with the curb right there uh-huh and i was gonna see if because it was like a half a chicken mini came out of one so i was gonna say that has to still be there what

Yeah, no problem. Yeah, appreciate you for coming. No, I felt fine after that. I just threw up all my vitamins. What the hell are you taking, dog? No, I shouldn't. You're taking cyanide? What are you ingesting? No, it was bad. Not only I hate throwing up, it makes me feel like I'm getting taken advantage of. Can I say that?

Like, by my own body. It feels like I'm being, like, I... Let me stop. I kind of feel that. It's invasive. Why can't I control this? It's invasive. Like, I feel so invaded whenever I'm throwing up, right? And then, I don't like embarrassing myself in public. I don't like coughing in public season, so throwing up in front of strangers at 9 a.m.? You don't even, like...

Speaking to some people. Now you're... They're taking a picture or recording you. Offering you water. Eye contact. You're barfing. And you're hitting them with the... Yeah. To think that 90% of that parking lot is filled with my inside goo. Oh. I own that supercharger now. Oh.

I should have, look at what's the better scenario. And because I was looking at my car for like a Walmart bag, I didn't have anything, but. I probably would have gone in the Chick-fil-A bag, me personally. Oh no, the density of that and the drippiness of that. Yeah, what the, what was in you? Literally, I don't know. Literally, I don't, because it was like a white, foamy like throw up with like a little bit of, it looked like Pop Rocks were all in it. And then like a half a chicken mini. Yeah.

Okay, now you need to stop. That one, I don't know why that one triggered me, though. The white foamy shit, I immediately thought it was Ruby. When she foams up, it looks like we gave her chloroform. Like we tried to drug her, and that one got me. Oh, my God. Yeah, I hate throwing up, bro. Unvoluntarily. I can 21 Jump Street before a live show. Hey, half of y'all that shook my hand at live shows, you have my insides on your finger. Hate to bring it up. The truth comes out. We'll be like this. All right, we got two minutes here. All right, just give me one second. What?

And he goes, he goes, he goes, let's go do it, buddy. I walk out that bathroom with tears in my eyes and shit. Every time we're right behind the curtain, we like dink a beer. He's like, he's like, hey, I love you. You love me. And I'm like, yeah. He goes, all right, let's do it.

Little do y'all know, y'all think it's body odor. It's like cauliflower and like pork grimes. It's on his lips. What live show is the one that you heard me throwing up? Oh, I think Boulder. Boulder. I think it was Boulder. You said, no, because you came out, because I was pissing. And you came out and you said, CJ, Liv. And I was like, they're gone, buddy. You can do what you need to do. Because at this point, it was still like a half-kept secret. I was like, you can do it. You go, all right, bet. You went straight to the toilet. I just hear...

I was like, oh, my God. And then I flush, wash my hands. I come around the corner. You look like a dog that's crying. You're just like, I'm ready to do it, man. Bro. Yeah. Okay. Let me put it. I don't have like a thing where I feel better. It's strictly anxiety. Like, I throw up anyway. Like, I did that in sports. It's like an anxiety. No, you didn't. Oh, my God. I've been throwing up since my fifth grade dance recital. Are you crazy? Yeah.

Whenever we used to have to play those plastic-ass flutes, you know what I mean? Knowledge is power. Bro, you threw up before sporting events? Yeah, 100%, because I cared. It's like my anxiety. Yeah, it's like good nerves, but damn. Damn. Oh my god, a free throw line at a crunch time game? I want to call a timeout, hit the locker room. Are you crazy? You go, coach, I gotta get out of here. He goes, you gotta win us the game hard. You're like, alright. You're shooting the free throw like this.

Bro, speaking of throw-ups, did you see that video of that pitcher? Uh-uh. He was on the pitching mound, and he literally gets the call from his catcher. He goes, yeah. As he throws the pitch, he's like, throw-ups coming out of his mouth as he delivers a strike. That has to be a foul. That has to be some sort of penalty. Send him out. Okay, enough throw-up talk. I'm sorry for everybody. Early on in the episode. Breakfast, lunch, maybe. Good God. At least it wasn't poop. The You Should Know Podcast.

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Like, let's call them both 8 out of 10. Would you rather be 80% hungry or 80% wh***? Now, there is a... I rest at 60. I rest at 60. That's my natural state. Like, you know when you put a BPM, like a heart rate monitor on you? My level is at 60. I'm always half-cocked. I'm always ready for an adventure. Like, you know what I mean?

All I need is a yes. All you need is a yes. Okay. God. I have to go home. I have to go home. So. Like right now, I could tear through a Hanes t-shirt. You know what I mean? If you were, let's rephrase it. If you were really hungry, like 90% hungry, and you had two options, a double cheeseburger with animal style fries or sex, what do you pick? Sex. Sex.

Why? Why? Because when I'm super hungry, I can't eat that much anyway. But if I'm famished and a little horned up, golly. Oh, it'd be wicked lovemaking. It would look like a 2020 protest in that bedroom. Like fire, bricks, he'll be everything. Spray paint.

Someone walks in and there's a fucking riot shield in the corner. All you hear is just like, like, rubbish, like, just shit falling. I love lying about that part of my life. I am horrible in the bedroom. No, you are not. What? I go, wait, what? No, the LA thing. We can't say that. We can't say that. Okay. Okay. No, so the reason I ask that is because, uh,

I actually don't remember. I think it was, uh, no, I remember the, uh, I don't remember if it was on a Twitter or Instagram, but it was a thing. It was like, it was like guys really are, uh, what's the saying? Creatures of habit. Yeah. It was like a guy could not eat for three days. And if you offer him his favorite meal of all time or sex, they're picking sex 10 out of 10 times. And I immediately thought of you. Yeah. And I was like,

I know if Peyton was on his dying breath and I said, here's a magical pill to save your life or here's some sex. That's not true. You'd go, I've been here long enough. That's not true. You'd go, close and lock the door behind you. That's not true. That's not true. Okay, speaking of your Johnson. That phase of my life is over. So, I don't... No, it is. No, I don't. You have a spy cam in my bedroom? I go, you know that fake doorbell thing? So...

Let's just talk about that real quick. Please. My mom watches. She does. And I love you, mom. Mama Harden, shout out to you. Enjoying retirement. Let's put that out there. She sent Peyton a picture of an outlined stencil of a flower that she colored in with colored pencils. And she said, I'm an artist, bitch. That's exactly what the text said.

She's in her coloring era. Hey, I'm going to say this because your son won't, or he at least won't say it here, but I'm putting it out there for everyone. Anytime you want to come down here to Dallas, you come. She knows that.

Let me rephrase it. I want you to come down here. We can all hang out. No, but the only thing is when my parents visit the house, they always find something wrong with my house. Why is that there? That's not hard to find. That's rude. That's truth. That's rude, though. But it's truth. But it's my home. I pay for it. No, it's your pig style. It's your... Okay, back to bricks. What's your favorite flavor of brick? Brick? Brick.

Flavor of brick? Like a color. That's normally what you would say in that scenario. It's color, not flavor. Well, you bake bricks. Bricks are baked. Are you baked? No, no. Bricks are baked. Baked in what? You bake a brick. You don't paint bricks. They're baked. Baked in what? It's called like a klein or a kiln. What are you saying?

Like, so the formation of a brick is not by, what do you say, like, they bake it to make it squared? No, they bake it to make the colors. A brick is baked. No, I think it's painted. Are you actually nuts? Actually, I've seen a video. I've seen a video. It's all a lie. It's all a lie. Bricks are baked. No, half the bricks aren't real. There's no real brick anymore. Okay, we're not going in a brick dilemma crisis. No, there's no bricks anymore. You think that, okay, yes, you can obviously paint over a brick, but a brick in its original state, if it comes out a different color, it's because it's baked. Again, I talk to...

Women. Okay. I'm not looking at the brick. Be honest. Did you know that brick... Is this a fucking Dr. Seuss? I want to know where you're going with this. Do you think bricks are baked or painted? I don't... Honestly, I don't know. I've never really... I have so much responsibility. You have a child on the way, dog. Why are you talking about bricks? If you see a white house, white brick. You see a red house, red brick. Painted. Baked. Painted. Well, it depends on how you feel it.

It's a texture thing. If it's a smooth brick, it's painted. If it's rough brick, cut your fingy. I had a kid. His name was Seth. He came from Chicago, middle school. Threw a brick at me. Hit my Achilles tendon. Scraped it. Blood all down here. Down my hooves. Didn't snitch on him, though. I'm almost certain the one kid I ever punched in the face, his name was Seth, too. How'd you punch him? What did I say?

What the hell's up with Seths? Seths suck. I've never met a cool Seth. I've met like one or two good Seths in my life. The other ones are... Seth Curry, probably top three. Never met him, though. Can't tell you. He could be a loser, too. This is horrible. Enough of Seths. Enough of bricks. I thought you were going to surprise me with some information here. Well, they are baked in a kiln, I believe it's called. But that's regardless the point. Is there like a brick house? She is a brick house.

Oh, not again. Okay. Alright. Alright, I have a story. Story time. I love stories! Uh, I have a story for you. Okay.

Colton's. We're at Colton's. I love Colton's. Don't actually know what that is. It's a restaurant. Oh, okay. It's like a B-team Texas Roadhouse. I was thinking in my head, imagination, White Castle. That's what I was thinking. Steakhouse. Not good steak, though. Like, Roadhouse gets the good shit. They get, like, the leftover. Okay, fine. Regardless. We're at Colton's. We're at a steakhouse. This is back in Arkansas. It's me, Liv, Big Dave, and Hannah. So it's a little couple's date. A little couple's dinner to Colton's, right? Yeah.

We go there and we had the strangest experience that was all jam-packed into about five minutes ever. Ever. I love it. We walk in. It's normal. We walk in. They immediately seat us. We go to our table. Four people at a booth.

Our waiter, I want you to just fathom what I'm about to say. Our waiter comes up, introduces himself. He's drenched in sweat. He is like you would have thought they had a pool in the back. Drenched in sweat. He either ran or is on drugs. Okay, let's lean toward the ladder because wait until you hear the rest. Dripping in sweat. Walks up to us. Literally says, hi, my name. What can I get for you to drink?

Skips his name. I swear to God. I swear to God. He goes, how's it going, y'all? My name's... What can I get you to drink? What you need to drink? So we gave him our drinks. I'm simple. Water. Dave got like a beer. Both the girls got like tea or some shit like that. Too strange. He takes that, flips it into a hitting on our wives fest right in front of us.

He goes, okay, sweet tea for the sweet ladies. Winks at him. And we're right in front of this guy. Okay? And I go, all right. He wants his ass whooped. And Dave's like, what the hell was he on? The guy leaves.

comes back, drops off the drinks again. Do y'all beautiful girls need anything else? And I'm like, is there a camera? Like, is this... Because he can't... No offense. You don't know what anyone's got, but he doesn't look like he's going to be able to mess with me and Big Dave. Big Dave is like 6'10", 300 pounds. He's one of the biggest humans I've ever met. He would have been a Viking, but in a different time. So...

Another hit on the wife. We go, okay, he's got one more and then we're going to... Something's got to be said. He leaves. He comes back to the table. You know the little thing you do with your teeth when you're joking? Yeah. The click. Yeah, the clicker. Yeah, real life clicking. He's clicking. No, not that click though. Oh. Not that click. I was going to say... Sweating, clicking, and often checking his corners. Oh, PCP. Yeah, yeah. Heavy drugs. Okay? He's going... Look at... Like, it is scary to him. He goes, bro...

He goes, what can I get y'all to order? We order regular shit. Doesn't matter. Steak, lobster, whatever the hell.

This man, he's like this, writing our order down the whole time, right? He's writing the order down. He finishes the order. He goes to walk off. You know how oftentimes people do, like they'll put it in their little pouch. So he takes a step. He goes to put it in his pouch on the notepad. It was smiley faces, stars, emojis, and little drawings, like stick figures. Yes.

He was writing our order in some secret piped-up drug code that he knew exactly how to translate to the chef. I swear to God, it was like this. It was like, smiley face, star, little circle with dots in it. Your waiter's the Joker. Yeah, my waiter's Heath Ledger. It's unbelievable. He comes back again, drops the food off. Everything's right, so his code works. It comes time to pay. Right.

Tipping, right? A respectful waiter, waitress. They don't give a shit. Deep in their heart, they hope you tip. Hopefully 20%. This guy goes up to us and goes, hey, what are you going to tip me? No way. What are you going to tip me?

In front of us. That's crazy. After clicking, emoji writing, sweating his ass off, hitting on my wife, I go, I'm going to tip you a left hook if you keep it up, guy. I didn't order smiley face. I ordered a steak cooked medium. What are you going to tip me? At this point, Dave and I audibly chuckle. And he's looking and he goes...

Like, no, it is, no, it is, it is literally the Joker. We were eating in Arkham. We had dinner in Arkham City. Arkham Asylum Cafe. Best part about it. We still, after all that shit, we tip him decent. We leave. We laugh about it for an hour. We go home. Two weeks later, Payton, strike me right now. Strike me down. Two weeks later, we go to Chili's. He's employed at Chili's. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

He has a new haircut, a comb over, a dyed piece of the hair, no more clicking, no sweating, no emojis, nice manners. He's a new man. It's a two week rehab center. He went to two week, two week re-up and he was cut clean from whatever he was on. And I swear to God, I asked him cause I said, I said, bro, didn't you, weren't you just at Colton's? And he goes, he goes, yeah, man, I got out of there. I came here. It was a good decision.

I think there's a drug running operation at that Golden's in Arkansas. I'm not going to drop the location, but completely clean, different man at Chili's two weeks later. Manners, nice respect. He either had a hell of a Friday night the night before and it was still in his system or we need to inspect something that's going on at that restaurant. Why don't you send me pictures of these people, Ken? In the time, what am I going to do? He goes, what are you going to tip me? And I go,

I snap an image. Dude, you can ask Liv, you can ask Hannah, you can ask Dave. That's insane. See, that's the thing with you, bro. You have these magical moments that you experience, right? It's madness. My brain would not allow me to let that go until I figured out his birth date. I need to know where to research him. I'm going to go to the better bureau and find everywhere he's worked. The You Should Know Podcast.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are some of your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip a leg day or a therapy day. When your schedule is packed with activities, big work projects, and more, it's easy to let your priorities slip. I know I fall victim to that sometimes, but thanks to BetterHelp, I'm going to be better.

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Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash YSK today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash YSK. Now on to the rest of the episode. I feel like we don't utilize government websites enough.

I'm going to go out there and say that. Have you ever accidentally Googled something, like typoed something? And you think you're on the black market? And you know that search isn't good? Oh, yeah. And then Google will tell you, this isn't a good search. And you're like, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that. It's like how to bomb. And I'm like, I meant how to get a bomb. Yeah, no, that shit's scary. Yeah, it's the worst. What do you think...

Do you think that FBI shit is real? Like all the memes and the jokes are like your FBI agent texts you after you get in a breakup. No. Obviously not to that extent. But do you think they know a good portion of what we do outside of our job? 100%. If they need to. Is that not terrifying? If they need to. So what's the line? They don't care about CJ. They don't care about Pierce. No, not many people care about CJ. Right. You know what I mean?

Like, they're literally like... We love you, CJ. They just have a number next to them. That's R134. It just says 13. It just says 13. They go, oh, kid's good at video games and staying up late. Oh, next person. But once something happens, like... I'm kidding. We love CJ. Once you're a part of something or, like, an investigation or, like, you're... Like, an alert has gone off about you...

They can find anything. They will find everything and they'll monitor what you're doing. Like a Morgan Freeman filing cabinet in Bruce Almighty. Like they have it all, but it's small until they need it. But then when they pull it out, it's forever. Oh my God. Now tell me if I'm toxic. Sorry to switch topics so fast. Tell me if I'm toxic. And I've been getting called toxic a lot because of the stories I tell about my dating life. And I'm not toxic. And a lot of it, like I don't...

The last story I told about the girl with the spider in the air, I kicked her out. And then some people were like, I hope you're joking because that's so rude. I'm like, she literally slept on the grass outside. Kidding. You're never going to stop me from making jokes. But you're like, I threw her a damp towel and like a Costco bag. She made it work. That's your bathroom. Yeah, have fun. No, okay. So I was talking to this girl, right?

The voice switch up. We're getting serious. I was like 22 at the time. I was young. She was 21. Same age. We're both youngins. At that age, all you should have at your desk, maybe a computer, a light, some notebooks, pens and pencils. Where is this? Is this her humble abode? Yes. At her house. Maybe a game system.

she lived like she was in 1943 she pulled out one of those filing like that you know those like bendy filing thing she was like that's my tax information the responsibility i love it out of the roof amazing responsibility man we are in 2021 at the time what is that yeah they have a thing called quickbooks and then she had now this is where the toxic part comes in

She pulled out a briefcase and she's an intern at Dell. And I said, all right, the conversation needs to happen now. I'd never want to see you go and open up some paperwork. Everything is digital now. Men in black. Who are you? And I said, oh my God, what color is the briefcase? Brown, leather brown. If it would have been like the steel briefcase that you keep like grilling equipment in, I would have been like, you're dating a serial killer at this point. Okay. Okay.

My mind is running so fast. I have like 18,000 things of caffeine in me. I love it. I was in Oklahoma with you, right? Yeah. Billboards in Oklahoma. They're sucked. They're run down. It's the worst. Oklahoma. And so there was, they have a lot of like zoos in Oklahoma. Weird. I guess it's 90% of it's all. They're like, turn right on this mountain. Come look at our alpaca. I'm like, what the f***? One of the weirdest billboards I saw ever in my life. Oh.

There was a billboard, right? And it said, Skeleton Museum for Animals. And the picture was of a giraffe that you could see through, and it was a skeleton of a giraffe. Let me break this down. Giraffes aren't extinct. We still got those. That's a little f***ed up, is it not? I'm not following. That's not crazy to you? That you can walk into a building and see...

Giraffe skeleton? No. I mean, they die. That's sick, bro. They die. Okay, imagine Dallas has a pop-up shop. You could go see human skeletons. That's not weird to you? People die. That's called a morgue, a conservancy, whatever the hell those are. Okay, I get it. I get it, right? For science purposes. Exactly. They're promoting field trips, dawg.

Go to the zoo and see a live one. But that's not the scheme. That's not the business model. That's sick as hell. Is that not? You're never going to see a basketball court in a Gold's Gym. You're never going to see a living, breathing giraffe at the Skeleton Museum. It's made for bones. It's made for weird kids that like bones. Watch this. Say they had a dog skeleton museum. You wouldn't feel like it's a little weird? I think there's 150 million pounds of dog consumed every calendar year. I don't think that's weird.

I'm so serious on that statistic. If I knew, if I consciously knew they were slaughtering these giraffes and then cleaning their bones to put them on wires and show children for money, they all deserve to die. I don't put it past them.

They might be like, giraffe probably dies. They probably have some code contract that, hey, we're doing this for educational purpose. Yes, we're going to make money. Maybe they're going to nonprofit. You don't know. Okay, what if I died? What if I died? And they just put my exoskeleton in a museum for little Timmy to touch my fibula. That's not weird. Okay, but one, Timmy's not going for the fibula. He's going for something. It's not a bone. I'm just kidding. It's not a bone unless it's a boner.

We're not agreeing here. You're not relating to me. I'm not team Payton on this thing. I need someone with melanin to come. Because I feel like that's what the difference is here. Like, you're like, yeah, dude, we're going to cut him open and see their guts, dude. Let's look at that giraffe heart. Let me get it. Let me at it. Oh, I feel tribal. And you're like, then we're going to take over the giraffe land and call it ours and kill everybody else. I heard if you eat it, it's

DNA, you can grow a little bit, man. Roll that shit up in a black and mild. Smoke that giraffe dust. Dude, they said your kneecaps elongate overnight. Dude, you want to go get high off that giraffe? Okay, that's exactly what I'm talking about, bro. Imagine Ruby. You just see a little Ruby skeleton in a museum. I don't care what she does with bones. What am I going to throw in a furnace? That's crazy. Sprinkle her around my carpet? Vacuum her up? No. I'm going to buy a new dinosaur.

That's what you should do. All of y'all come after, no. I love Ruby to death. You know I love that crooked little dog. And she's finally getting better. Good. She was sick. I don't think you're seeing it eye to eye. Dude, I'm just saying that is so weird just for monetary gain. But I didn't say that. Imagine the process of skinning a giraffe. That'd be sad. That's sick, bro. That'd take like two people just for the neck. And what do you do with the tongue? They'd be like, oh, you got to keep that tongue. You got to keep that giraffe. You can have a couple fun nights with that giraffe tongue. You're going to have to answer some calls.

Okay. My FBI agent. Hey, what the f*** is up this week, man? Bad joke. I don't know. I don't know if this is going to stay, but I have a question. Oh, God. So say, you know, my dying wish is to get taxidermied. I want to get stuffed. Everybody knows that. I want to be put up like on a mantle. I want to be cool or just my head and be like a deer. You know what I mean? Or one of those dancing fish. You can put double A batteries in me. I don't like that. That'd be cool.

Bro, first off, it would take like two 9 volts to power your big ass. But if we stuffed you, ran electrical circuiting through your body, coded you to hit a jig, and CJ, at the press of a button, imagine the weekend comes on and Peyton's standing taxidermied corpse goes, It's way too late. Yeah, that would be fire. That'd be sick. Okay, but no, I have a new dying wish. Say I get cremated.

You better watch it carefully. Right? Cheaper, more affordable. That'd be a lot of dust for me. Big girl, a lot of dust. And the actual dust you have on you will just fall in as well. Now, I'm not going to say what I want you to do with the dust. I do nothing with dust. If I were cremated, you wouldn't do anything with it? You would literally sit on a bookshelf with a little plaque.

and it'd be no more than me winning employee of the month award. And you'd sit there to the end of time. I'm not touching your bone dust and your soul cream ever in my life. You would sit in a cool little urn with a plaque that said, once was Peyton. I wouldn't even put the date on it. I'd say, Peyton S. Harden. Actually, I'd just say, Push 8. And they'd walk in, and they'd be like, what's that? And I'd go, old friend. I just...

You wouldn't, like, give me a love tap every time you left the house? A love tap. What would be the... If I died before your kid was born, right? If you... Oh, my God. Let's just say this. No... Yeah. Oh, no one gives a flying shit. Oh, I do. If you... First off, first off, let's not lie. Let's not... Let's keep it a buck. If you were to die unexpectedly...

Yeah, now you're getting worried. If you were to die unexpectedly... I don't care. I'd be in heaven. That's not wood. Yes, I agree. But if you were to die unexpectedly and sooner than later... Great song. This is a great song. We would all be very sad. Cool. Like, crippling depression. Oh, bare minimum. Great. Bare minimum? What, am I supposed to join you? You're supposed to work. Why are we going to work? For my name. Yeah, we will. And build a legacy. And I would open...

Well, not a gym. Never mind. I'd open like a research center. Or like Peyton Harden Laboratory or something. I don't know. Or open like a fashion store. Okay, no. Call it Peyton's Death Wardrobe. What would be the lore you would tell your child about?

Like, would you hype me up a little bit? Oh yeah, oh yeah. What would you say? Oh my god, the lore for your death. I would say, does it mess the kid up more if I put them in the story? Like he was doing something for you to where they now view you as a hero. Yeah, that's a little sick. That's a little sick. Okay, a little sadistic. Let's go this route. Like, I'm independent from your child. I don't know him. Let's go this route. Peyton was fighting for honor and morals.

In the streets of Plano. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Let's go with... No, just about my life, how cool I was. Oh, I thought you were talking about your actual death story. No, no, no. Just tell them, like, oh, would you hype me up? Oh, he was a savage.

That's what I get? Yeah, your uncle was a savage. 25 years of life and 10 years of friendship. Your uncle pissed excellence everywhere he went. Everything he touched. He was like Midas. He had the hand of gold. Anything he touched, it flourished no matter how long it took. His relationships, he meant so much to people. He was a fantastic gal all around.

All in and out. Yeah. Especially inside. Hey, I want to put this on record right now. Cam's not speaking at my funeral. That shit is ass. Okay. That's off the dome and you're still, you're right in front of me. I can still smell you. Of course not. Back to your, back to your urn. If someone were to put you in a blunt, they would go to Wakanda, dog. If someone smoked your bone dust, they would be, they would be, they'd literally be in Asgard with Thor. They'd be on that rainbow road. What the fuck?

be like god damn oh it'd be nuts that'd be horrid that's crazy i don't know if that could stay but yeah that'd be funny that's funny that's good that's good you should know podcast

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Before we segue, I have a question. Honestly, it's pissing me off. The world's getting more twisted every day. Like a Rubik's Cube. Like a bad, like a Rubik's Cube, but someone took the stickers off, so it's almost impossible to really solve it. I walked in. First off, what's one of the most regular spots that I go to? The gym. I mean, that was a correct answer. I meant food-wise. Oh, the pantry.

A fast food establishment. Oh, Chick-fil-A. One more. You're going to get it. Chipotle. One more. Tropical smoothie. No, you're not getting it. Canes. Keep going.

You skipped over. McDonald's. What are you doing? Starts with a P, ends with an S. Pluckers. Panda Express! Jesus Christ! I've been to Pluckers since like 2020. Really? You need to go. We need to go. It was good. Liv worked at Pluckers for like three weeks. She got that little cool, like, that little fit. Looks like she works on cars. Oh, yeah. So they were at Pluckers. Anyway, I walked into Panda Express. You know the Panda by our house? Yes, I love Panda. There's no drive-thru line. No.

I walked into Panda Express the other day. And the whole moral, the whole basis of this story is how out of tune are people? Like, with the world. Okay. How lost are they? Yeah, very. I walk into a Panda Express and I shit you not. Immediately walk in, I'm hearing an episode of some show.

I'm like I'm watching TV. Yeah, I'm walking in to order chow mein and I'm watching TV You walked into a sound studio. I guess there's filming here I walk in and it was like right before they closed which I hate doing that but I had to I see the employees They see me I turn to my right. There is a man first off. I like man sitting there empty food by him He just finished his meal laptop watching a show. That's where it's coming from. Okay headphones on not plugged in Oh, who is it? What was his age?

Regular f***er. Like, probably a little older than us. I'd say, like, he's squeaking 30s. Okay. How out of tune with the world are you? How do you not know that it's shit like this? You're low-key a Karen, though. I'm not gonna lie to you. You're low-key a Karen. No, I'm not. Because if I was a Karen, I'd walk up and say, Hey, buddy, what are we doing? But it just...

Like, let's just be 100% honest with me. Would that happen to you? Just be honest. Yes. Oh my God. Yes, it would. Don't be on the side of the people. That's one thing you lack. You lack empathy. That's one thing you know you lack a lot of empathy. Oh my God. You don't feel bad for people. No, no, no. I don't feel bad for you. You have no bounds. None. Before we recorded, he was scrolling through. He was like, he got an email. He literally goes, yeah, it says new Cash App users. It says they can gain a...

He said he spit his fingernail and it hit my laptop. I know you can't see it. That's eight feet of distance. He's spitting fingernails and he's spitting on our carpet. You have no bounds. You honor no creed. I have free will. And you fly no flag. There is no government. You are your own creature. You are a one-man army. I am free, brother. I am free. You're in the shell of what the world is telling you to. This mind has no end.

That's no what? So if I spit a finger, if I bite a finger off, spit it at electronics and spit on my own rug, I'm a free spirit. But that would be you. That's not you. That's me. That's how I live. That's just what I do. If you go into the, like, you know how you lift up sofas and couches? You could build a fingernail. How many little fingernail pieces are in there? I just, I'm a fingernail bandit.

Have you, has your stomach ever felt real tight after doing that? Mm-mm. I don't swallow them. No, I know that, but I was going to say you might have a tapeworm. We can get that checked later. Tapeworms make you bite your fingernails? No, I think biting fingernails and getting all that bacteria. I don't have bacteria in my fingernails. I wash my hands. Oh, CJ! Oh, inter-CJ! Oh, editor CJ, does he wash his hands nearly as much? No. Oh, okay. Who washes their hands more, you or me?

Cam, do you want to do this? Cam, you know you're not going to win this. Cam. You wash your hands more than me. Yes. Okay, let's break this down. Let me speak 20 seconds, and I won't paint a bad picture. I'm going to paint something honest. Paint whatever you want. I'm going to tell the truth. I'm going to paint something honest. Yes or no. It'll be honest. Yes or no. Did both of our hand washings go up with the addition of CJ? CJ doesn't do shit for me. I do. I do. Yeah. CJ.

Listen to me. Listen to my topic. Listen to my talking point here. Cam is a 26-year-old expecting father and says another man, a grown man, inspired him to wash his hands. Who doesn't wash their hands enough? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? That was funny. You literally said, huh? You went, CJ does that? I said,

Okay. He doesn't inspire me. That's what you just said on camera tape. He does not inspire me. JK Rowling. Rowling. Rowling. It is Rowling. Point, Peyton. I said our frequency of washes has increased. The fact... Matter of fact...

Okay, you know what? Matter of fact, if you say no to this, the conversation's over. Have you not washed your hands more now that CJ's here? When we all went to family dinners before Rat Boy came, we weren't getting up and washing before the meal. Off my own fruition? Like, off my own free will? No, no, it hasn't changed at all.

No, it's because this little rat tells me. He goes, come on. Hey, come on. Let's go wash our hands. Exactly. I said off my own fruition. No, I didn't wash my hands. I didn't ask that. I didn't ask that. I said yes or no. Has the frequency of your hands being washed increased since his arrival? That's what I said. Okay, leave it. That's the flu.

See, you're a 26-year-old expecting father. Leave another grown man out of it. It's me and you. I wash my hands more than you can. I've seen you. We've been out in public. You are on record saying your fingertips smell like a gooch. That's when I scratch my gooch.

Cam. This is unbelievable. Cam, and I'll give a little bit of lint and skin in there too. So whatever. My fingernail is a supply of Takis, lint, and webbing skin. So a little bit of peanut butter. Here we go. Cam, yes or no? Deadass Cam. Cam, you have a child on the way and you need to teach him principles of honesty. Yes. Watch this, son. I have seen you.

Here, actually. We get lunch at the studio. We bring it into the office. You say, oops, I gotta go poop. And I go, okay. No, no, you shut the hell up while I'm explaining my story. You say, oops, I gotta go poop. First of all, oops, did it shock you? Did you not feel that coming? You know what I mean? And then... You don't get asshole sparks. You don't get the butthole cramp. Yeah, it's too much usage. Here we go. And so...

And so Cam has a weird-ass thing when he's like, Peyton, just come with me. And I go, okay, I'll come with you. I'll pee or something before we eat our lunch. Oh, so now you dog our companionship. And then you do this. You'll take a couple fries for the road, for the walk. Yes or no? Yes. Okay, you'll take a couple fries. So your hands have...

Food on them. Correct. A little salt, grease. A little salt, grease. You'll go straight to the stall. Cam will sit down. I'll hear him do his thing, right? He'll poop, right? Yeah. Quickly and efficiently. And then I'll go, hey, Cam, I'm going to go back real quick. You go, no, wait for me, bro. No, wait for me. I'll put one arm out the door. The door is half cocked to the hallway on the way back to the studio. And you'll be racing. You probably don't sufficiently wipe. We all know you don't. You'll run barefoot.

buckling your pants and run straight back out here. That is a damn... Cam, stop it. That is fraudulent. Stop it, stop it, Cam. That's fraudulent. You belong behind bars. Cam, and the most you'll do, if you do wash your hands, you'll put it under the water, you'll go, you only wiped with my left. That's exactly what you'll... That's nasty, bro. I want... After poops. I'm not going to get on here and say, if my hand was on the holy word, right, I'm not going to say that's never happened. Thank you. Let's be honest. However...

And this isn't a good thing to say out on the internet, but sometimes when I pee, sometimes when you drain the whole Loch Ness. Yeah, drain that lizard. You don't got to touch it, all right? You just kind of unzip and let that thing fall out sometimes. If it's hot enough in the day, enough blood's flowing, I don't got to aim it. I don't got to angle it. Yeah, every time you pee, I watch you put your hand in your pants and flip it out. I see it every time. You and I might guide it during the piss, but you take it out and flip it. That's why I said sometimes.

okay cam regardless listen well the point i'm getting to is when i pee i might do the why are you talking about pee i might do the water only when i poop i wash my hands with soap you're a goddamn lying your breath stink that is not true no it's a saying oh yeah it's a melanin thing did you learn that from childhood you didn't get those at the family reunion you were like where's the next meeting are you gonna that's a lot i'm sorry that's a clan joke

Just mute it. I'm sorry. That's a clan joke. It is. Oh, are we gonna? I'm not going to make him do it twice. Yeah, no. Good God. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's okay. Question. And now I'm just testing your loyalty now. Okay. Say right now. Do you love me? No. Say we were going. You know how whenever I started the podcast, I was dropping out of college, right? And I talked to you. We had that sit down meeting. And you saw how serious I was. Yes. Imagine in this scenario, I'm that serious. Okay.

I take you to that office we just went to, right? I sit you down, right? And I'm dead serious. And I go, Cam, I'm going to run for president. I said, I'm putting my hat in the race to run for the president of the United States of America. See, that's rude. That's so rude. That's so rude. I don't think you'd even be allowed to. I don't think you'd be allowed to. It's 35 and up. I know. That.

There's a couple other requirements. I'm a citizen, you racist. No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying you came from a different land. I'm saying you're a citizen, but you don't have the age. I don't think you have the education. You need to be educated to run for president? No, you don't. I think there's got to be. No, you don't. You don't have to have a bachelor's degree for the presidency. I think there's got to be some. Okay, regardless of that. Say in a hypothetical world, I can. Yeah, okay. Anyone can do it. I said, yeah, I can. I'm running for president. I'm going to run. We don't got the funding.

I go, let's start there. Yeah, we do. We know people that do. Oh, okay, okay. And I go, Cam. Okay, your initial genuine ass reaction. If I'm as serious as I was when I told you I was dropping out of college to do the podcast. I'll give you my honest to God truth and doubt. Let's go through the whole thing. The whole thing. Okay. And you need to be dead ass serious. My first question is my first question. And I'm being serious. All right. Hey, Cam, I got to tell you something, bro. Like really as a brother, as a friend, I need to tell you something. All right. What is it? We have one more month left on the podcast. I'm ending it.

Why? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to us? I found a new calling. I'm going to run for the presidency of the United States of America. Shouldn't laugh. You laugh first. Okay. Say it again. I'm running for the presidency of the United States of America. You're saying presidency? That's fine. It's just making it more funny. All right, go. I'm running for the presidency. Hey, Cam. Oh, yeah. What's up? Hey, I got to tell you something. Sit down. I'm seated. Oh, my fault. Okay. Okay.

The podcast has one more month left. What the hell? Why? I'm ending it. What the hell do you mean you're ending it? I'm ending the podcast. Do you have a bad dream or something? Why did this come out of nowhere? No, I found a new calling in life. It's been sitting on my spirit and my soul. I'm going to run for the presidency of the United States of America. You're doing what? I'm running for president of the United States of America.

Do I get to be the VP? And that was my question. I was going to ask you. That's why I called you in today. Would you quit your job, not get a secondary job, and devote your life to be my VP? Ten times out of ten, brother. Let's go get this. No, deadass, you wouldn't do that. Yes, I would. You would not make any money. You'd be on the road. You're about to have a kid. You'd be on the road 200 days out of the year. But luckily, at this 35-year-old age threshold. No, I'm saying now. This is happening now. Oh.

I could work on Fiverr at night. No, you can't do a second job. I need your full 100% attentiveness to... Oh, well, f*** you. You don't get to tell me 100% nothing. You're not God or my father. I'll be your VP, but I gotta make some...

The VP has a salary. The VP gets paid. Not here. Yep. Not here. Well, we're not the VP yet. We're campaigning. Campaigning. Campaigning. I would be the VP. We would have a sick bus. We would have a dope-ass bus. It would be like G-Unit of the presidency. We'd pull up playing weekend in UFC 5. And then you hop out and you go, What's up? Okay. The reason you didn't vote for me, you have like a bush light in your hand. Deadass, do you think I'd be a good president? Oh, God, no.

100% no. In the furthest way I could possibly say no would be no. Why? Two reasons. One, don't be mean. I'm not. Your stress level would be astronomical.

Just imagine this. Imagine your regular life right now, but you don't have a phone. Imagine you don't get to... Presidents don't get phones? Oh, no, no, no. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying for hypothetical. Imagine you don't get to Doom School. Okay. Your screen time's like 15 a day. 15 hours a day. That's personal. That's accurate. Okay. Take that away. What would your life be in the exact same restraints you have right now, but none of that? Mute it. So now...

Now, you're a lot, but you're running the country. Oh, you don't think the president lets one off? You don't think Don was getting one in? No, Bob. Don's got Blanca. What's her name? That was bad. Blanca. Blanca. Something like that. Melania. Melania. I'd be like the Bill Clinton. I'd find me a Monica. Would you be my Monica? Go to the...

You go hit that back tunnel, sweetheart. Go through it. We'll send you right into the Oval Office. Well, that's kind of rude. Would you get caught having sex on your royal desk in the Oval Office if you were the president? Caught? It's a secret? You'd say, Jeremy, come in here and watch. It's a secret. I'm closed the door, secret service. I'm sexing in here. Oh, my God. Is that illegal to have sex in the Oval Office? Oh, my God. No, no, no. My mind just went left field. Oh, God. Be careful. Oh, my God. What?

What kind of a man you would be if you were the president? Oh my God. Oh my God. No, no, no, no. What do you mean? I need you to give me examples. We're thinking about how bad of a job you'd be. What would you do with all that power? Oh, first of all, the first thing I do... Oh my God. If you were running our country...

You would be a wicked man. You would be a wicked man. Okay, give me different subjects and I'll make a policy on them. First plan action. I don't even. First plan action, I'm making an executive order. I'm taking those little German roundabouts out of every street. Like that. Those little.

Roundabout yield sign things those confuse me get them out. Okay, let's do let's let's keep it friendly. Let's keep it friendly Nothing too fine like fun. Yeah fun thing. I'm a fun president. I'll let anybody take care of war Would you ever y'all take care of war? I'm here for the fun. Yeah, thanks for voting me in It's like fun the four years of fun. That's your campaign four years of friendship and fun So, all right first things first

Rest in peace, Uncle Phil. Rest in peace, Uncle Phil. Hello. What is... Do you... What are we thinking about crosswalks? Like long crosswalks? Oh, the super long ones? Super long ones. I would make... I would put cool tunes into the thing instead of the guy yelling, wait, wait, wait. It'd be like, oh my God. Imagine every... Oh my God. Every single crosswalk is linked to 97.9 The Beat throughout the country. You click a button, you're hearing Coco Jones. Okay.

You go to the next street, you click a button, a little Nas X instead of weight. I do think I'd be a good president. I would make the world so cool. Every crosswalk would be those airport little things, those little walking things that move the motorized things. That'd be a lot of money. We have so much money. We'll take more loans. So much debt. Yeah, what's a little more debt? You go, hey, I need y'all to go to that.

Wherever they print the money and give me a two trillion today, please. I want cool sidewalks and crosswalks. I once heard, as a man, if you're cool with everyone, you're a bitch. I once heard that. And I wouldn't want you to carry that on your jacket in your presidency. You know I'm not cool with everybody. Honestly, God, my job for VP, I'd let you be cool. Oh my God, I would be like, I would be the Gabe that Gabe is to us. I'd be that to you. You'd be my security guard? Okay, but like the asshole. Oh, okay, yeah. I would be...

The rudeness. I'd be the nice face and you'd be the jerk. Good cop, bad cop. Yeah, that's nice. Okay. What about nasty food? What would be one food? You get your presidency. What's one food you abolish from our country? Oh, meatloaf. Meatloaf is from hell. I'm not going to lie. I'd be going to some friend's houses and their parents make meatloaf and I automatically don't respect your parents anymore. Lisa, love you. She's never made me meatloaf.

That's good. She knows not to. She knows not to cross the line. I'm not going to lie. People that make prison food in your home, we have to have a conversation. Meatloaf's prison food. We went to my parents last night. My dad was whooping up peppers, onions, sausage, and cabbage. Is somebody sick? Yeah. I go, is there an ailment in the neighborhood that we're curing? Threw a little beef broth on it. Said, get you a taste. I said, no, I'll go for the gooey butter ice cream, but thanks. Give me that cream. Oh, man.

We got Mama Liv on the podcast. Mama Liv. Go Liv, go. Go Liv, go. Go Liv, go. I hope you go. And I hope you know that this is a show. And I hope you go. And drop it low. Let's go. Drop it low on the stroll. Yeah. She's a baby mama and a baby on the way. What? I can't rap right now because I'm...

I'm back. Oh, shit. She bit the mic. She goes, I'm back. Hey, I chipped my tooth in the Phoenix Live show. You sure did. God bless you. At the Van Buren Theater. I was making fun of a fan that went, right on the middle of the mic, and it hurt so bad. We got Mama Liv. I know we got a lot of Mama Liv fans, and she's so famous on us now. Yeah, we do. Because she gets 200,000 likes per Instagram post. Golly. Shout out to Malachi. Malachi, thank you for putting me on, my boy.

I was about to say it. It's already out there. None of you motherfuckers are going to take my baby's name. That's all I got to say. There's a lot of Malachi. I met a Malachi one time. He used to bite people in the calf. So that's what I'm going to think of when I see my name. I met a Malachi that was heavy into two things. Dunking a basketball and smoking marijuana. That's cool. Okay, well my Malachi is going to be a saint. Okay.

And my dog's nickname is Malachi, and he can barely breathe on his own anymore. And he has glossed, milky eyes. None of those vibes my way, so. But I want to talk about something real quick. All right. My mustache is getting so long, it's getting into my nose, and that's a problem. Dude, when Brooks does the mustache, every single time, I'm at the point of like a yike, bro. I'm like.

Every time. Okay, go. He massages you. Feels good. Appreciate you. He doesn't massage me. I think he likes you more than me. I think he does too. That's bullshit. Here we go. Alrighty.

Y'all two had a wedding. Y'all got married. Yes. That's fact. Congratulations. You were there. You were in it. Yeah. But I have a hypothetical and low-key question, and depending on y'all's answer, depends on how much I think you love me. Okay. All right? I think I'm very high status in y'all's life, right? Y'all care about me or you say so, right? I do a lot. Liv is not. No, I love Peyton. No, Liv loves. We talk about you often in our free time. Y'all should find better conversation. Well.

But, hypothetical, and I genuinely think I should be able to do this. I'm liking this. Say y'all weren't married and your wedding was coming up, right? Yes. What if I asked you, is it okay if I propose to a girl at y'all's wedding? Oh, hell no. Yes. Thank you.

Why? Wait, you want him to propose at our wedding, my day. That day is about me. Well, us, but me. Yeah, what the hell? That is about me. Me, me. I'm a man. My thing is I just paid all this damn money for this wedding and he gets to just come in with all the props

It's like a Groupon. He could take advantage of it. No, hell no. Why? I thought we were close. My one stipulation would be you have to do it after. It has to be in the reception. You damn sure can't do it while we're getting ready to walk down the aisle. Y'all say I do, and I'm like, guess the one. Yeah, you're like, hey, Ann, I've loved you for some time now, and I'd just be like, oh my.

That would be grounds for her. I don't think that would be appropriate. She would cry and run away. Your girl would probably hate you forever. Okay, but let's be honest. The girl probably wouldn't like it. She'd be a little embarrassed. She'd be very fluttered because that's never happened before. No, don't put words into my hypothetical girl's mouth. Okay, that's true. Let's say she was just ready. Say y'all were selfish enough to have a wedding on me and my girl's anniversary. Oh, my God. What? Y'all planned the wedding on me and my girl's anniversary. Yeah.

And I'm like, this is a special day. I'm not going to wait another year to propose to my girl. So you could do it. Go for it. But we would no longer be friends. Yes, we would. Yes, we would. Camera might. You wouldn't cheer? No.

I'd whip my phone out. I'd be taking pictures for you. I'd get B-roll. I would have the worst RBF on my face that you've ever seen. I have an unpopular opinion. I think proposing at your friend's wedding is sick. So how would you feel if I did that to you? I'd be like, hell yeah. Yeah, you feel me? Are you serious? I swear. I don't understand. Your day's over. You got married. You signed the documents. It's my time to shine now. The pastor showed up late two days in a row. My day's over. It didn't even get started. Like, you just took it over. No, okay. There was no...

Your day's over. I can't even get there. If you did it 8 p.m. or later, I'd say yes. Thank you, Kim. 8 p.m. or earlier, no. I don't get the big whoop-la. But my thing is she's going to be like, they're going to be like, oh, so how do you propose? Well, at my friend's wedding. Like, that's weird. Oh, my God. We could take both of y'all, throw you onto the honeymoon package. We can go on it together. Oh, my God, a group honeymoon. Hell no. It's a double date, honey. Live. No.

No. Why? No. Babe, that'd be fun. No. No. And then we could share the honeymoon suite at the wedding. That'd be sick. Y'all go for an hour. I go for three. It takes me a little while. You don't know that. I go, I go. I think that's selfish. Her standards are just low then. Don't talk about his girl. But what if I don't have a girl? But say what? If she's willing to marry me, you know her...

That's a charity case. Here, I'll play devil's advocate with you. What would this look like? Like, how would you do it at my wedding? That's fair. Are you busting right in the middle of everyone in the dance floor or is it like you take her to a secret dwell? So watch this. Y'all are having y'all's big hoopla. Wow, y'all are getting married. You walk up. She's in a dress. You're in a suit. Cool. We're crying and kissing together forever. Yeah. Great. Y'all walk...

Out of the aisle. Everybody's doing their hugs, kisses. All the groomsmen and brides and maids and all them, we do the speeches. Toast, toast. We're eating food, right? As we're eating food, that's when I'm starting to get ready. Trying to get the fannies fluttering. Fannies fluttering. I have the ring ready, accessible like a quick pistol in 1944. I'm John Wayne now with my engagement ring, right? John Wilkes in the booth. My boys shoot from close range. God bless you. Y'all are up on y'all stage. Y'all are eating food, right?

Oh, no. I'm not. Listen. Y'all are so selfish. I thought you were my friends. Y'all are eating up there, right? No one's allowed to bother you. That was the rule. You want your time alone. Didn't listen to it. My God. It was a damn meet and greet. Johnny Pops from like, I don't even know his name from your side of the family. Come on. How to meet you. What's my name? Olivia. What if he went, Rebecca, I've known you. I'd be like, oops. So y'all are up there, right? Everybody's eating.

The music starts to go at a low octave because we're starting to prepare for the dance, right? We're starting to prepare for everybody. You keep telling us. First dance hasn't happened yet. No. I've just got to ask that. Have we danced yet? No. No. Because you're the climax of the night. I don't want to take the climax moment. Here we go. Take it back down here. I got the octave. Music starts to go. Keep going. Ready? Okay.

And I'm like, I'm starting to speak sweet nonsense to my girl. I'd be like, isn't this wedding just beautiful? I can't wait to have one of our own one day, my love. You know what I mean? You've been a rock to me. I actually want to show you something. Everybody's at their respective tables, right? Okay, cut the music, cut the music. Because now I grabbed the mic. Oh, God. I grabbed the mic from the DJ. I hear one of these. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'd live like this. Oh, I would be like. Y'all, Liv, you'll probably think I'm about to say something sweet about y'all. Yeah, I'm like, oh.

Yeah. And so I'll grab the mic and I'll be like, I have a little drink in my hand. My girl's still sitting down. She doesn't know what's going on. I stand up in front of the whole wedding. Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me. I would like to make a toast. Everybody raises their drinks. To my beautiful best friends here and their beautiful wedding they just had. This is amazing. Shout out to love. Shout out to them being together for the rest of their life. Cheers. Cheers, everyone. Cheers, cheers, cheers.

You know what? Good speech, B. Yeah, I'm not done. Oh, oh. As y'all know, I've been in this relationship for some years with my beautiful girl. Her name here, right? He's not about to do this shit, Karen. He's not about to do this shit on my face. He's not about to do this shit. Someone in the back. Wait, what is he doing? And then I go, babe, stand up. Let everybody see you. She looks beautiful, right? Oh, he does have a beautiful face. And she's wearing a white dress. Oh, no. I'm going to tackle that bitch. I am tackling her. She's going to the ground. I love...

Like, if she's walking up, you're like, oh, come on, babe. Come on up here. I literally jumped over the table that we were eating. Liv turns into, like, 2007 Brian Urlacher. She's like. Kick her in the chest. Okay. Say she's wearing a magenta dress. Off-white. It's, like, almost tan. You can't tell. It depends on the light. I call her up. I'm like, this is my beautiful girl right here. You know, seeing my best friends be in love, you know, it really inspired me.

And I want to have a moment just like this with you. I get on a knee, I propose. And then I say, actually, I've already had the wedding already planned. We're actually going to have it in the same exact venue one year from today. Wedding's done. No one's having a wedding. Everybody's done.

No more wedding. No more wedding. Hey, and then... Mine and Cameron are having a wedding. You're not even going to get married. So, look, they had the same venues that doubled down, but then you tripled down, and you go, all right, one more time. Let's do it for love. Everyone get on the dance floor. Celebrate all four of us tonight. It's a hell of a night. I appreciate you coming. That venue would look like... You know when you have, like, a food fight in the cafeteria? That's what that should look like. You would tear that bitch up. Like, all the mean girls, when they're all running...

I think her blood is actually raising now. I think her heart rate is increasing. My blood pressure. Okay, now to calm her. Yeah. Would you actually do this? No. I would do it right after. Outside. The sparkler you spell while you marry me in the sky. You're like, here's all your sparklers to burn.

We're mad that like, no, live with live with you. Kill me. All this shit. And then he just comes in and swoops this shit up. Thank you so much for coming. Let's celebrate all four of us. And I get on the dance floor and it goes. I try to dance.

She goes, oh, I'm so quick. Your girl wouldn't be, like, she would be tripped. Her dress would be ripped. Honestly, I don't know why I'm trying to fight her, though, because you do that shit. How long would it take for you to, like, be my friend again? Or would you ever? On those type of things, I'm such a, like, forgive, is that the word? Forgiving? Forgiving. Forgiving person. Like, I would be petty for a little bit, because I'm queen of petty. No. But I would be, I would get over it, because I'm like, we're married. That'd be rough. That'd be.

I'd be in the backseat and be like, damn, you do what you gotta do, dawg. You know what I would do? I'd go, hey, open the aircon. At their wedding, I would just announce we're having a baby or some shit. Oh, so we would go bar for bar. That'd be sick. I'd be like, oh, I have a toast for you guys. Pregnant. I'd be like, DJ, cut her mic. Cut her mic. We'd just go back and forth, one up each other every time. All right, before we get out of here, let's pivot real quick. Two words to describe your sex life. Calm. Calm and slow.

Was gonna say I was gonna say quiet and powerful Hey, I appreciate so it's not quite you heard the mrs. Oh all men slow Yeah, we make a good love we're not in that and okay. No hand no hand. Oh god. That's a new turn - words Oh, sorry, uh that is how Malachi was made hairy and regretful. Oh

You know what I mean? Like, I keep people warm. No! You know what I mean? No. Me naked, it's like, it is like a Mexican blanket. Ow! Think about the ones you can buy with the, like, the, uh, the animals on it. With, like, a big-ass tiger and they're huge. They're the best blankets ever. You play too much.

No, I just immediately looked at Peyton's legs when he said that. Oh my God, bro. Imagine that all over. Those are the ones we bought when we got off the cruise. We did. And they were so uncomfortable. We had to give it to our dog. We gave it to Ruby. Bro, they're used as like a rug or something. Y'all don't like Mexican blankets? They're fire. We bought them, but they were nothing to cuddle with. Mexican blankets. It felt like I was going to like fetch potatoes. Like it was a sack. Oh, y'all got a bad one there. A burlap sack. They were like $3. Yeah, y'all didn't get the real ones. Those are fire. Those are so fire. Oh my God. So.

So hairy and regretful. Myself naked is a Mexican blanket. And I'm always regretful. I'm like, that was a bad performance. I'm like, 30 seconds is not. You're not 30 seconds. Do you have like a tally chart in your bedroom when you're like, eh, no one wants to play? What if you had a depth? No, I just know in my mind. What if you had a depth chart? A depth chart? A depth chart. What does that mean? Like in football. Like this is the starting quarterback. There's our second string and there's third string. I feel like if you're 12, yeah, that's like normal. But.

If I ever walked into my son's funeral room and had that on his wall... Stop speaking. To keep count of, like...

What did you just say? Oh, not 12. Okay, like I said like 16, like 17. Like immaturity. Like 12. Like people that put their like, like the names of people they've been with in their notes is weird. I was training Bakugan at 12. Yeah, I hope we're not doing that today. 12 and you have a depth chart of sex? No, no, I didn't mean that. I meant like, I meant like, but no, no, I say regretful because I'm like, I didn't do well. Like you, like I'm sweaty. I stink. I'm so hairy. I'm so tired.

I believe my wrist is in pain

Some will never understand. Shit is bleeding. Oh, my God. You say that after every time. Bro, shit, because it's... Bro, you don't get it. We got to get this on Patreon. This is too much for you. If you want a continuation, it'll be on Patreon. Oh, my God. Cam, get us out of here. Oh, my God. Episode 125. Thank you so much for coming back to another week of mayhem. We absolutely love y'all, but...

Confuse the casuals. Leave it in the comments everywhere. And get your good karma with this week's secret code. HAR. H-A-R. Hairy and Regretful. Hairy and Regretful. H-A-R. Leave it on Patreon, Instagram, TikTok, the full links. Leave it on Facebook. Leave a review on Spotify. And just put love this podcast. HAR. Hairy and Regretful. But we absolutely love y'all. Like P mentioned in the intro, announcements are coming soon.

They're going to be rolling out everywhere. You can see them on Patreon. You'll see them here on the full length. You can get different views, different access points from all the different channels we have. So make sure you go and you follow them all. You join them all. You do all of it. Keep sending it to your friends. Keep sending it to your family. We absolutely love you. Can't wait to see you next week on episode 126. Get us out of here. You know, just got a little taste of Patreon. So if y'all like that, the conversation is going to continue over on there. It's a little more...

Open. All right. Yeah. We love you so much. Make sure you follow us on everything. Keep updated because we got a lot coming for you. Remember, one out of ten koala bears don't make it home to Christmas. Oh, we will see you. Hello? Oh, shit. Mine stink now. At your job, do you ever have to deal with a nose roller? How about a snub pulley?

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