5: Brittany's Perfect Summer Day
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Direct from the Broski Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California, this is the Broski Report with your host, Brittany Broski.

Hello and welcome back to, you guessed it, the Broski Report with me, your host, Brittany Broski, the host of the Broski Report with Brittany Broski. What's up, you guys? Anything, would you like to discuss anything with me or is that just like, okay, just let me know if you have questions. There's a lot of things on the docket for today and it is summertime, okay? One of my, oh my God, I have so much to talk about.

really really pressing matters we'll get to like international wars and conflicts and diplomacy issues later first we have to talk about my summer routine we have to talk about my summer routine which is and i've mentioned this before every summer the start of every summer i have to watch high school musical 2 aquamarine in that order then i have to self-tan then i have to whiten my teeth okay

Try to do all four of those things over a weekend and tell me that your life doesn't improve by at least 20%. That's going to be a 20% bump in happiness in Broski Nation. All right, guys? Aquamarine, HSM2 combo. And know if you're one of those psychopaths that have to watch House of Musical 1, 2, and 3, figure it out, dude. Just find a way to watch House of Musical 2. Okay? Get that looked at. Because it is the best movie. I don't want to... I don't... Hey! Who asked? No one asked you!

High School Musical 2 is one of the greatest marvels of modern cinema to ever come out. Movie production studio. Kenny Ortega is God's gift to this green earth. Kenny Ortega, why did you do High School Musical and then also choreograph Michael Jackson's movie? Why did you do that? Or not choreograph, what did he do? Kenny Ortega produced This Is It by Michael Jackson, the movie, and the tour. Wild.

Realizing as I'm recording this podcast, I have a real issue with spitting on everything that is in a direct, I would say about two to three feet radius around me in this general, you know, 180 degree area in front of me. It

It really is the splash zone. So you guys are lucky you're not in here with me because it's wet. It's getting wet and wild in here. Okay, like I said, my summer routine, I've got to watch Aquamarine. And that's what that song is from. Summertime guys, school is out, the sun is shining. She really, really like made points with that.

That's oh my god, that movie's so good. Emma Roberts, Jojo and Sarah Paxton. I have to look up her makeup in there. Sarah Paxton aquamarine makeup. Oh my god, this changed my life as a young tween. It's not even that impressive. Look at that. She had she had green and blue and blue mascara. Oh my god, I have to go do this. Oh my god, this is beautiful. She is so beautiful.

This hair, yeah, I did this hair during the pandemic. Because what else was I supposed to do, girl? It's me, alone in my room, box of hair dye. I'm lying, me and Emmy did it. And this dress when she ripped off the sleeves. Oh my god, Aquamarine is one of the best movies ever made! Oh my god. It's summertime, right? Everyone knows I have my little routine of what I need to do. I would like to describe what I think is my perfect...

perfect summer day. Okay. It is going to be a beach day. And before we get into the beach day, I would like to just put a little disclaimer out there that has absolutely nothing to do with this. You know how it's always like a joke that, Oh, a Caucasian families, every Caucasian family has that bathroom. That's themed nautical. Everyone has a nautical themed bathroom for some reason. That's like on the waves, we stay surfing or whatever the

It's always lighthouses. I'm like, hey, have you ever seen a lighthouse in person? I haven't. Maybe if you're from like New England. Also, maybe I don't know what New England is. I thought New York was in New England. It's not. And you guys fucking ridiculed me for that. What states? Like when they say, oh, New England clam chowder. Could that just be like from anywhere generally? What states are in New England? Maine? Maine is New England, but New York isn't?

Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Rhode Island. I'm gonna need to pull up a map. Girl, be so fucking serious. New York is right there. People get so mad. It's not New England. Girl, it's right there. It borders Vermont and Massachusetts and Connecticut and Canada. I think we should really, really take a look at how we're defining New England and maybe we should include New York in there so I don't feel like as much of an idiot. Anyway, New England clam chowder.

Who thought, mmm, mmm, these clams are so fucking delicious. What if we added cream? What absolute psychopath prisoner. Prisoner, go to prison, go to jail. These sea boogers are so yum. What if we put some cream and salt? Mmm, a bisque. What? Mmm, a clam bisque. Maybe not everyone should be allowed near a gas stove.

Maybe not everyone should be allowed to go into the kitchen and create, you know? Anyway, just food for thought, by the way. What the fuck is clam chowder next time you eat it? I will get into some corn chowder though. Corn, creamed corn, creamed corn. That is so good. I love creamed corn. Anyway, okay. Caucasian bathrooms.

I am an advocate for a nautical themed bathroom. I think it is so whimsical and fun and camp. If you walk in to just some woman's bathroom, some like just normal family's bathroom, and it's just like life rafts and dolphins and seagulls and lighthouses and waterfalls

waves and boats and maybe some Margaritaville, maybe like a flip-flop, maybe some sand. They always... Oh, I love those little sand jars that you can find at like antique stores and stuff that's like the different colored sands layered. I love nautical-themed bathrooms. I can't wait...

Me, when I have my own house, I live in a house. When I have like, when I live alone, I'm going to have a nautical themed bathroom at every bathroom. I don't give a fuck, dude. And I also want one of those really like campy zebra print, lime green, hot pink, like, like stay sassy girl. Like tell me that like you would walk in there and not feel so safe. And I'll always have one of those wax melts going.

I'm gonna have one of those wax melts plugged into the wall and it'll always be like apples.

cinnamon or like pumpkin pumpkin apple there's something just so comfortable about that have you ever been to a hair salon in the south you go to the bathroom and it's just like that it's like zebra print towels and cheetah print aprons that i just love it it is so comfortable to me that's also very new jersey if i walked into a bathroom and it was just fuzzy and had zebra everywhere and glitter and sequins i'd be like yeah i'm shitting in here hard as a brick

Yeah, I'm cranking out a log in here. I'm going to town on this porcelain throne. That's what I think when I see a zebra print bathroom or when I see those fuzzy toilet lid covers or when I see a nautical themed bathroom. I just love them so much. Okay.

Okay.

Visit gcu.edu. Anyway, well, why did I even start talking about that? Oh, my perfect day. Yeah, my perfect day would start with me taking like a monster shit in a nautical themed bathroom. And then it always like a coconut candle. Oh my God, dude. I love when you go to someone's house and you walk into the bathroom and there's a lit candle. It's like they knew I was coming. Yeah, they invited me over. But like they heard. They're coming here and shit. I love my friends.

A coconut candle, a lemon lime candle. Actually, no, I might vomit. Like a coconut lime candle. Maybe, ooh, they always do like sea salt and moss, those candles that they sell at Target or whatever, so good. Or like clean linen. Oh my God, oh my God.

Let me put you guys onto something. There is a company, which I'm sure a lot of you know if you're on TikTok, called Vacation. And I used Vacation before they went viral because they have this whipped cream sunscreen that literally comes in a whipped cream can bottle. That was really good, actually. Okay, the fart wasn't realistic, but that did sound like a whipped cream can. But it's sunscreen. It's like SPF.

And you can do it and you put it all over your body and like it smells so good. I have the normal sunscreen that just smells like a beach day, like a fun pool day. It's so, I love it. And the whole branding for it is so, listen, if the product sucks on something, I couldn't care less. If the packaging is cute. I'm a packaging whore. I'm a whore.

For a good font and a good shape of a bottle or like a little applicator. Oh my God, I'm a whore. I'm a slut for it. Vacation is so good. It's all like kind of vintage, but not vintage, like campy fifties or sixties. It's like polished. Like whatever. I'm just obsessed. Anyway, they sell candles and they have this three pack and vacation. You better fucking send me some more. Cause I'm plugging you on my Christian podcast. Um,

They sell this pack of candles. And I think it's... I don't know what it's called. Like the vacation classic pack or something like that. And there's one called Sweet. Like a little vacation sweet. There's one called...

Hey, I don't know. Lobby. Lobby is the second one, like a little hotel lobby. And the third one is called Pool Boy. And the Pool Boy one is so, it smells like a perfect day at the pool or at the beach. Like nothing goes wrong. You can relax. You're with your friends. You're a little drunk.

you're like, oh, I'm at the pool, but I need to go inside and go pee-pee. And you run in and guess what? There's a lit coconut candle. That's what Pool Boy smells like. It smells so good. Sweet and Lobby are also that like rich sort of, ooh, where am I? Like it smells so nice in here. There's a difference with candles where it's like, ooh, this smells good or this smells nice or this smells rich. Sweet and Lobby smell rich.

Anyway, get into that girl, but don't sell them out because i'll be pissed off. I love vacation I i've never tried the whipped cream sunscreen. I really need to get it before um, because I am so white and yes I am moley. Okay. I'm a moley girl Yeah, i've had some moles removed. I've had some moles burned off. I've had warts burned off moles removed incisions hole punches That's literally what they call it dermatologists are like we need to remove this mole. We're gonna hole punch it out of you Huh? What? What?

Hey, what do you mean by that? But they've done it. They did one on my butt cheek and one on my shoulder. I'm so white. I don't even tan. I just get more fucking moles. Every time I go outside, I'm like, what's this dermatologist visit going to cost me? Okay, my perfect day. Now that we got all of that out of the way, let's proceed. My perfect day is going to be preferably at a beach resort where you can go to the beach and

rinse off get in the pool and then go back to your room and and and go from there so starting off i would say um we're going to the beach it's me and my best friends we go and we have chairs so we're not just like putting the towels on the beach because that's so annoying because people will walk on your your towel or like you'll walk on your towel and it's sand everywhere and it's like this is supposed to be my dry area and you put fucking sand on it and then like you want to eat off of the towel and you can't now because there's sand whatever

We have chairs, we put our beach towels down and it's not those thin flimsy like Miami Beach ones. It's like the thick plush hotel resort towels with the stripes on them. And we lay there and I'm in a swimsuit

And here's the kicker. I don't care how my body looks. Because that is, especially for a bigger girl or a bigger person anywhere, a pool party, a beach day is our worst nightmare. What do you mean I have to show the most pudgy parts of my body to all of God's creation? I don't

But I want to have fun. Like, why can't... And then if you wear, like, long sleeves or, like, a wetsuit or a swim dress or swim pants or whatever the fuck you get made fun of. So it's like, you can't wear a bikini if you're bigger or, you know, really tight shorts because you'll be like... People will be like, oh, you're showing too much. And then if you wear something more modest, it's like, oh, prude. So it's like, what do you... How do you win? Anyway...

I wear a swimsuit that I feel comfortable in and beautiful in and I don't worry about my body. That's perfect day part number one. I don't get a mole. I am able to be in the sun for more than three hours and I don't get a mole or a freckle. That would be ideal. My skin remains relatively unchanged. I lay out there. I have my JBL speaker going. Okay, my little JBL speaker. It's fully charged. It doesn't die.

And I'm listening to my favorite beach music. Oh my God. For any Tame Impala girls, if there's any Tame Impala people out there, I have just about like OD'd on Tame Impala. Like they're one of my favorite bands. This tattoo is for them. Him, Kevin. Still on track from the song. You guessed it. On track. And, uh,

I just love them so much, but I have listened to all of the albums ad nauseum, which is Latin for to the point of nausea. I could vomit. I found this new brand, new band called Sports. That's the name of the band, Sports. Let me pull them up on Spotify. Here's what I'm listening to lately. Powerful classical music to be dramatic AF2, if you were wondering.

So this is them, sports, and this is the album, Naked All the Time. It's so good. It's kind of like a Tame Impala alternative. And it's just easy listening. It's like indie rock, alternative rock. It's just so like, I'm obsessed. I've listened to this album on repeat. It's only eight songs and it's just like constantly on repeat. I am obsessed.

So get into that if you're into that. If you're not, who fucking cares? Who has? Okay, yeah. It's a good rotation of like that sort of music with a mixture of maybe some Weezer and maybe some old... Ooh, get into this too. I have this playlist as well that I made. Doesn't it show you when you made it? Maybe, maybe not. When did I make this?

I called it Hawaii in the 50s. And it's just these really cute, like, like old timey, like commercial, like just hula songs. So it's such a vibe, especially when you're like getting ready for the beach. I'm obsessed. So get into that. So I want a mix of that. Also with a mixture of like, I don't know, some Post Malone. You can throw on Circles by Post Malone. Okay. Also, I feel the need to say this. I love Post Malone and I will until I die.

His new song? Not a fan. Not a fan. I don't like it. I think Insane is one of my favorite Post Malone songs of all time. I like when he does the, like, oh, fucking... 92 Explorer by Post Malone is one of my favorite songs. Die For You, On The Road. What's the Ozzy Osbourne one? Take What You Want. Take What You Want. Blame It On Me. Blame It On Me is so good. I like the mean, like...

scorn baseline hip hop that posty does like all of stoney was so fucking good and i like his new stuff like i really enjoyed uh 12 karat 12 karat toothache 14 karat toothache 12 karat toothache i enjoyed it i think it was it was interesting it was kind of experimental for him lemon tree is a great song

I really, really, I liked it, but it's just not, nothing will ever beat Hollywood's Bleeding for me. I love that album so much. Anyway, yeah, Chemical, not my favorite song. Okay, moving on, My Perfect Beach Day. I have a charcuterie board, but it's not a charcuterie board. It is a snackle box. Now, I did see this on TikTok, okay, as I do most things. I saw this on TikTok and that's gonna be a, so what is a snackle box? I'm glad you asked. That's gonna be a tackle box, like for fishing,

which is a plastic compartment with a bunch of different little mini compartments for all the little baits and hooks and whatever for fishing. And they have removed all of the baits and hooks. Stay with me. Cleaned it out, I would hope. And they have put crackers, cheese, olives, chocolates, and meats, various meats into this tattle box.

And then you close the lid and it keeps everything perfectly separated. And you just put it in the ice chest. That is so smart. Snackle box with some pickles? Get into it. I also saw on TikTok yesterday, somebody made Old Bay pickles. You bet your fucking ass I'm gonna make some Old Bay. You bet your fucking ass. I can't think of anything more delicious. An Old Bay pickle?

I'm shoving it up my hole. I'm putting it in all of my holes. Sorry. Sorry, ew. That would burn, actually. That's not even funny. That's just like playing with jalapeno seeds and rubbing your eyes. Anyway, snackle box. Stay with me. It's not too hot outside because there is nothing worse than going to the beach and it is miserably hot. You can't even enjoy...

what it is to be outside because it is so fucking hot. And I can't stand the people that are like, I'm from insert state here. Trust me. This is a hot girl. Fuck you. It is 103 degrees. Yes. It's fucking hot. You're lying for attention. Don't lie for attention. If you're going to do it, make it an interesting story. Don't sit there and 103 degree fucking heat and be like,

I'm from Ohio. This is not. Oh, fuck you. We're going to play the shut the fuck up game. You're first. You go first. Your turn. There is nothing more annoying. And people from Texas do it all the time. It's hot as fuck in Southern California. It gets hot. Like it really, really can, especially the more inland you get. Like it gets up to like 105. And people from here will be like,

I'm from da da da, trust me, this is nothing. I'm like, you motherfucker, I am from Dallas, America. It gets up to like 113 there. This, I am hot. My back is wet. My underboob is wet. My undercarriage smells probably fucking hazardous. That smell could knock out an old woman. The smell coming from my undercarriage when it's 106 degrees outside could quite literally kill an old man. I'm sorry that I had to be the one to say that, but it's true. Sometimes...

Sometimes I'm about to say something and my brain says, don't, maybe don't. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, maybe don't. My brain says, nope. My brain hits the on the, this is the voice. I think next season, maybe one of the judges on The Voice should take a break and I'll step in.

I think next year, I think RuPaul should step down and I'll step up as the host of RuPaul's Drag Race. And then all of the judges on The Voice should step down and I'll be all four judges, as well as on The X Factor and America's Got Talent. And maybe Britain's Got Talent as well. I can do it. Like, honestly, I'm not that busy. Like, honestly, I have some free time. So let me know about that, any producers, if you guys are interested. Okay, what was I saying?

Oh, the smell coming from my underwear. Sorry, let me get back on. Let me get back to the real stuff. Yeah, I don't want it to be too hot on my perfect beach day because that's just going to piss me off. That's going to piss me off when it's 105 degrees outside. I'm fucking angry now. I can't even have fun. I'm so hot. And then I get red because I'm so white. I don't even tan. I don't like nothing. I just get red in the face and I get red in the body. I'm like a naked mole rat, a serious mole rat. I have moles.

It's like if Rufus the Naked Mole Rat had melanoma. Rufus the Naked Mole Rat. Holy me. Holy shit. That's literally what I look. Loved Rufus. I had a little stuffed Rufus. He's so cute, dude. That's what I look like. Oh, I have to watch Kim Possible again. Kim Possible was so, so ahead of her time. She was so cunt. That is cunt. Look at her little lip liner. So cunt. Yeah, it can't be hot.

And if I do get a little overheated, I want to be able to get in the water and just float around. I don't want to have to deal with kelp or seaweed touching my legs, touching my ankles. I have a panic attack in the water. I slip on something and crack my head open on a shell on the bottom of the ocean floor. I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to deal with that, dude. I can't deal with it.

I just want to bring a floatie. I wish they made adult, adult, what are these called? Arm floaties. I would be in the water just like this. And that's all I need, dude. I don't need, I don't need a big tube. I need to struggle. That's so humiliating as an adult. And what if you flip backwards, you flip forwards, or if you're trying to get on a floatie raft and then you can't do it, or, or you have to spread your legs like, like you're trying to mount a horse.

but you're in the thinnest Sheehan bikini bottoms you've ever seen in your life. They're disintegrating in the water as you're spreading your legs to try to mount this raft. So humiliating. To exist is to be humiliated. To exist is to be embarrassed. And if you can get over that hump, you can do anything. Free me from cringe so that I may be

Okay? Anyway, I want to get on a little floaty. I want to have adult floaties. Maybe they're Spongebob themed or maybe they're Mickey Mouse or maybe... Maybe...

I don't know. What would be a good, like, oh, no, I want Ariel on my arm floaties. I want Ariel on my arm floaties and Flounder and Sebastian, and I want to float in the water like this. And maybe as a joke to my friends, I'll put my head down like this and I'll act like I died. That's always a good joke. That never gets old. I'll act like I drowned and my dead body's just floating. Me and Taylor do that bit when we go swimming. We'll lay face down in the water and just float until it's like, oh, they noticed.

And then you, then you can get rid of the bit. Then you can finish the bit. Anyway, I want to get on my little floaty or put my arm floats on and I just want to, I want to float and I don't want the current to take me away. That's going to piss me off. If where I got into the water, it drifts me down the beach a little bit and I have to walk all the way back because it drifted me down 50 feet. That's going to piss me off.

It also pisses me off when you get out of the water and you're walking up the beach and the tide is pulling back. And so you're sinking into the... Oh, that pisses me off. Maybe I don't want to go to the beach. Maybe the beach is just not a good place for me mentally to be in. I have... I'm always confused when I go to the beach and I see like when the tide goes away and the sand kind of bubbles. Does that mean there's a crab under there? Or does that mean...

Like is a fish trapped? I know some fish burying under the sand. I know a lot of mollusks and bottom dwellers. Mr. Crabs, if you will. Like, is that why the sand bubbles? I guess I just don't understand how a beach works. Because what are you guys doing under the sand? What are you guys doing under the sand? You're supposed to be a freaking fish. You're supposed to be a freaking fish. Get out of the freaking sand. Go swim around in the water. What the fuck? Another part of my perfect day at the beach is I would like to potentially eat a berry.

I'd like to eat a berry. A strawberry. A raspberry. Raspberry. Raspberry. Your word is raspberry. Could you use it in a sentence, please? I laid on the towel and ate a raspberry. Raspberry. Anyway, I'd like to eat a berry. I'd like to eat a strawberry. Preferably chilled. Oh, dude. If in my little, in my Yeti cooler, okay? Because it's got to be a Yeti cooler. Nothing else works. I don't make the rules.

It's got to be a Yeti cooler. It's got to have my little snackle box. My ice cold Mexican Cokes or maybe the Rosalia Cokes. Then I'm going to have some berries, an assortment of berries. Maybe mix some banana in there. Ooh, kiwi. A fruit salad, maybe. Yummy, yummy. Were you guys Wiggles kids? I love the Wiggles, dude. Even like, it was one of those things where my siblings would be watching and I'm like, yeah, this show's for babies.

And then I'd be in the backseat like, ♪ Food's so yummy ♪ I watch those fruit baby stem videos too. I sometimes, when I'm high off my ass, off an edible, I will literally put this on the TV. This is 19 minutes long and I will watch every last second of this video. There's so many too, there's so many different types of fruit. I will watch this video until it's completion.

And then I like these too. Shane from The Watcher introduced me to this. You just get high and you just put on your favorite music or maybe some whimsical Harry Potter music. And you just put these on, these POV cab view train videos. I mean, I could watch them for hours. And you can speed them up. You can slow them down. I like when they go through tunnels. Let me find when they go through tunnels. And this is three and a half hours long, by the way. Oh yeah, here we go. When they enter the tunnel, dude. Yes, dude.

Okay, maybe it's kind of creepy. Maybe that's really creepy and scary. Oh, so it goes on forever? Okay. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, here we go. We're coming out of the tunnel. That's really something special, guys. That's something special. I don't know what it is about being high where it's just like, I have got to watch. I have got to watch something. But it can't be anything too overwhelming or scary or like, I cannot. The thought of watching something like Succession High just shoot me in the head.

Your financial freedom today by visiting pdsdebt.com slash report. Moving on. My perfect beach day. I'd like to read a book. And not something serious. I'd like to read like, like a Enemies to Lovers or like ACOTAR. Oh my god, if I could reread ACOTAR for the first time. I need to reread it. Something like that where it's like I can get lost in a little fantasy world and I can really just, just...

like get lost in there and explore it and escape. I think that'd be really, really the vision. That's the dream. Okay, so we're wrapping up at the beach. Okay, let's say I've been there for like two and a half, maybe three hours. I'm in and out of the water. I've had my little snack. I'm staying hydrated. I have a Yeti full of ice water. I got my, specifically my Whataburger Yeti with my Mickey Mouse straw. Mickey Mouse gay pride straw.

and we're walking from the beach up to the pool. And you know how sometimes it's that wooden sort of pier? I don't know what you call that. It's like a wooden sort of boardwalk up to where you rinse your feet off. Like, you can rinse all the sand off yourself, and the water's always ice fucking cold for no reason. Like, it's 100 degrees outside, and the water's ice cold, and it should feel good, but it's like, and it comes out so fast, like a jet, like,

Your skin is raw and red. Need that. I'm going to rinse off my little toes, my little piggies. And then I'm going to walk my happy red ass up to the pool and I'm giving it. And I'm going to swim around and kick around and it better not have children in it. Because if there's children in it, I'm pissed off. And this is my perfect beach day. So actually we're walking up to the pool and no one's in the pool.

That's the dream. It's like, hey, maybe the clouds are rolling in. It's about to start raining. Everyone's leaving, but it's just me and my friends. We're at the pool alone. The sun's gone away, but it's still warm outside, and I'm swimming around in the pool. Maybe, okay, actually, I'm changing it. We're at a house. We're not at a resort. I take my top off. I go skinny dipping, and it starts raining. Oh, my God. That sounds so much fun.

Sometimes you need to swim around the water with your gonads out. You need to feel that current of the water on some hair on your body. And I don't mean on your head. You need to feel that current on parts of your body that never are free. God, I love skinny dipping. So I would do that. I would skinny dip. I would take my swimsuit off.

And I would swim around, I'd float around, maybe have some more berries in the water. When I was a kid, my mom used to, um, like throw fruit into the water and I'll go swim over and I'd catch it. Like, like little pieces of cantaloupe or whatever. Probably not the most hygienic, but you bet your date, you bet your fucking ass. I'll swim over there on cantaloupe. So yum. Anyway, we would do that. And then when we were over it, or maybe it started raining really hard or whatever, we'd get out of the pool.

We'd pack up all our stuff. We'd put the cheap little Old Navy flip-flops on or like those little Beach Town dollar store surf shop flip-flops on. We'd put those on and we'd flip-flop back to the room. I would take the most glorious shower of my life, do a little hair treatment, moisturize my skin, and take a nap. Dude, I would take a nap.

And it would be so, so, so good. Because, you know, I don't know if anyone's not from the South, they always say, hey, the sun will take it out of you. It's the humidity that'll get you, but the sun will take it out of you. They always say that. I think that that is so fucking true. And it definitely rings true with me. So, yeah, I would take a great nap. And then we'd wake up maybe around 9 p.m. 6 p.m. We'd wake up around 6 p.m.

I would get into glam. I would sit in the glam chair and do my own glam. And then we'd all get ready and then we'd go out to dinner. And then I would have some cocktails. I would have some dick and cocktails. And you did it at my birthday dinner. There is nothing more culturally significant than that video. There is nothing that will shift culture in a way that that video shifted culture. And you did it at my birthday dinner.

Oh my God, I want to have a moment like that so bad where I just dress someone down at an event where I'm like, you know what? And we're all thinking it. We're all thinking it, but I'm the one that has the balls to say it to you. Okay. Did it at my birthday dinner to add insult to injury. Oh, I want to dress somebody down like that. That would be so much fun. Okay. So we're getting ready for dinner. We go to dinner. We have some dick and cocktails. I'd maybe have a shrimp cocktail.

I have something light but filling. Nothing cream-based. Nothing that's going to make my tummy do somersaults. I'm not doing all that. Okay? Because I'm probably sharing a bathroom with somebody. I'm not going to do that to them. Even though I could. Then we order some cocktails and get a little tipsy. Get a little drinkity drunk. And then we go out afterward. Maybe. Maybe we go out to a little club. Maybe a young gentleman comes up to me. Maybe he...

says that he knows me and I say, oh my God, a straight man that knows who I am. Maybe he's the one. We start talking. He's gay. He asked me for a picture. We do that. I'm devastated because I thought he was the one. Turns out he doesn't want me. Okay. Even though I could be that for a gay man, I have the same shape, toll that a lot of other gay men do. Okay. The only issue is that I'm not a man or gay. Okay. But I could still be that for you.

I could really give the fantasy for some gay men. Maybe I'm looking for a bisexual man. If there's any bisexual men that want me, you guys better let me fucking know. Hey, drop a comment. If you want me, if you want me, just let me know. Anyway, in this night, a man confesses to me, I think he wants me. I'm a little drunk and delusional, and when I'm wine drunk especially, I think that everyone wants me. Because they do. Yeah.

He comes up. He wants a picture because him and his boyfriend are big fans. We take the picture. I go over to my friend. I say, hey, I think I'm ready to go home because the wine's getting to my membrane. And then they say, okay. We close out our tab and then we get in the Uber. We go home. I take my makeup off. I wash my face. And then I climb into my muumuu and I run into that bed and I

You know when you're sleeping next to somebody who snores and it just like keeps getting louder. You start to cry. You start to get so frustrated. You start to cry. That's literally me on vacation with my dad. Where it starts out and then they wake themselves up and you say, oh, thank Christ. And then they turn over and then the snoring stops. The snoring stops. That is, that is, I have lived through that experience so many times. Everyone in my family is overweight and everyone snores.

Like doing a family vacation, miserable. Everyone snores. Probably myself included. You'd have to ask Taylor. Taylor knows if I snore. I do. No, I fucking don't, by the way, because I am the most beautiful, innocent, delicate flower that has ever lived. So how could, look at me, how could I snore? Don't answer that. I would never snore because that's ugly. Ugly people snore. I definitely don't snore. I definitely snore. Oh Christ, excuse me.

Anyway, that's my perfect day. That's my perfect day. We start at the beach, do the thing, go to the pool, take a nap, dinner, drinks, wash my face, maybe wash my undercarriage again, get in my muumuu and knock the fuck out. That is a beautiful day spent with friends and not a moment wasted. Okay? Celebrating God's creation. The beach. The shoreline.

I think that's so much fun. Like I have such great memories as a kid of having that exact day. I would love to recreate it in my old age of 26. Also, I turned 26 on May 10th, okay? And no one wished me happy birthday. That's not true. A lot of people did. I wouldn't worry about it though, okay? Because if I, here's the thing, if I want to come on this podcast and be like, and nobody did this, that's my reality and that I choose to live.

Nobody even streamed Harry Styles' second album, Fine Line. Like literally no one did. It was so... Like girl, that's a delusion I'm living in. You don't have to live in it. I like to create drama sometimes just to have it. Because sometimes I don't have drama in my life. I have a lot of meetings and I have a lot of business stuff to attend to.

But like I don't keep dramatic friends. You know like if there's drama in the friend groups it's because like somebody else did something and I'm hearing about it. I don't do that. I'm too fucking old and I don't have time for it. So maybe I need that. Okay. Before I go I would like to share I would like to share one of my latest obsessions. I'd like to share one of my latest obsessions. Now

That's going to be Vampire Jack on Instagram. Brittany, what's Vampire Jack? Thank you for asking. This is Vampire Jack. I'm not even going to explain anything. We're just going to watch. I am the Vampire Jack Townsend, and I am a real-life living vampire. You're probably sitting there right now asking yourself, vampires? Are they really real? I believe in witches, and I believe in ghosts, and demons. Sideburns are about to piss me off.

Well, I have an answer for you. Not in the way that you've been taught. What? Is there an empire you think about? Count Dracula, the deep widow's peak, and a girl maybe in the oxen and a cape. But no, we are not the fictitious... Him in front of his like Amazon glam mirror with light bulbs on it, like putting in those red contacts is a crazy thing to think about. Him like putting the teeth in, being like, yes, yes.

I am a real, living vampire. I'm obsessed with him, dude. I don't give a fuck what you have to say. Characters of Bram Stoker's not. We existed long, long, long before Vlad Tepes was ever re-characterized into the vampire Dracula. Now, there are some similarities, but there are many, many, many more differences. I can't deal with how serious he's being. Or for many, including myself, an other can experience.

What the fuck is Otherkin? Oh my god, he put a description on the screen. Otherkin, a subculture of people who identify as not entirely human. Some Otherkin believe their identity derives from reincarnation, a non-human soul, ancestry, symbolism, or metaphor. Others attribute it to unusual psychology and do not hold spiritual beliefs on the subject. Otherkin, by the way, is the belief that your soul is not... Feed her, Jack. I'm teaching her. Exactly.

human in nature. That isn't the entire shared experience of the vampire community, however. The vampire community? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You have an Instagram. The vampire community? You have a TikTok account. Take those fucking contacts out. Maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I want to be Vampire Jack's girlfriend. Maybe I'm really jealous. Also, his girlfriend's hot as fuck. Look at his girlfriend. Shane Townsend? She is so slay.

Oh my god, I wish I could show this video. The caption is, he's sexiest when he literally wants to kill you. What are we talking about? This one is when your boyfriend is a thirst-trapping vampire on the internet. Get into this. Get into Vampire Jack, okay? And let me know your thoughts. We'll retouch on Vampire Jack in the next episode, probably. Okay?

Love you guys. Thank you so much for listening and watching. And that'll do it for me this episode. I got a lot off my chest that I wanted to talk about. Vampire Jack, I'm coming back for you, baby. I'm coming back for you, Vampire Jack. I love you, Vampire Jack. Vampire Jack, I'm your biggest fan. Can you say happy birthday, Britney? She's a Taurus. She was born on May 10th. All right. Rate me five stars. Please. Please, dude. Christ. Rate me five stars.

Subscribe and turn on that motherfucking bell. Those post notifications for YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Samsung Mark Zuckerberg Podcasts. I don't know what the Samsung one's called still. Haven't bothered to Google it. Love you guys. And thank you so much for listening and enjoying. And we will catch you next time.