1: Growing Kelp In My Keurig
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Direct from the Broski Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California, this is the Broski Report with your host, Brittany Broski. Hello and welcome everyone to the first episode of the Broski Report with Brittany Broski. Thank you. Seriously, guys, stop. Stop. This is a long-awaited reveal. Grand ru-veal, if you will.

Let me give you a quick tour of the set, a little vibe check, a little vibration. So here was the idea, you bitches, before you are like, you look like a school teacher. First of all, shut the fuck up, okay? Because guess who's in charge? Me. Okay? Guess who's in charge? Me. I'm the broski. I am the broski of broski report. It's broski report with Brittany broski. It's not with you. Okay, guys? Hey, loving you though. Before you, I'm not a school teacher. Okay. Okay.

So the idea for the set was like, what if Walter Cronkite was gay? Now, some of you may be asking, who's Walter Cronkite? Hey, Google it. You know, figure that out. Walter Cronkite was a newscaster in the 50s and 60s. And he did the CBS Evening News. I think. I don't know. Hey, I don't know. But his set was kind of iconic. And it was black and white. And it was like on the TV. Don't know why I had to kind of like.

Disclaim that. So that was the idea. It's a news set, right? But what if the news was always happy and fun and like really LGBTQ friendly? Over here we have our pride flag with the Texas flag. No, it's not Puerto Rico. No, it's not Cuba. The photographer who did the photographs for the set said,

The like the promo photographs. His name is Julian. Love you, Julian. I am obsessed with Julian. He was taking pictures and he was like, could you have picked two more like ethically opposite flags? And I said, probably not. So missing you, Julian. Okay. So moving slowly across the set, all you audio listeners, come on over to YouTube. Guys, come on over to YouTube. Come on, guys. Seriously. Come hang out on YouTube. You're joining. You're missing the partying.

pool party on my set so here is my me turning away from the microphone on the podcast hey can I guys you got to give me some grace here okay I'm just a little girl in a big world I'm just a little tiny skinny woman in like a big scary world how can I if I bump the table one more time what are you guys gonna do what are you guys gonna do okay I'm picking up the microphone

Here we have our glitter globe. Okay, now what's a glitter globe? It's that. Look at it. Then we have these world clocks over here. I actually can't remember what I set them to. One of them is Houston. One is London. And this one, hey, crazy girl, Salvador Dali. We've got a little surrealist clock for all the art history girls in the chat. Here we have my green screen. Okay, so the thought here, I'm going to look into camera two. Hey, camera two.

How are you guys? The thought here was like an SNL weekend update. Okay. So whenever I need to inevitably turn around and point to a picture of, I don't know, trigger warning, Maddie Healy, Harry Styles, right? Rosalia. It's going to be here. So you guys can direct your attention there. And audio listeners, again, come on over to YouTube, even though this is a podcast. I'm here on YouTube, guys. I'm hanging out.

Now, moving over here to the stage left, we have the Mickey Mouse phone. It's ringing. Hello? Oh, shit. Wait, are you serious? Well, who's on it? No, I'm recording a podcast. No, who's on it? Was Gary not working? I thought, hey, you said Gary was working today. Sorry. Okay, sorry. I'm recording a podcast. We have to go. If they really, wait, are you being serious? Okay, we'll talk later. Okay, love you.

Sorry, they hit the Pentagon. And that is on my Mickey Mouse. Sorry, not funny. On my Mickey Mouse phone. Then we have my little globe. Okay, my gay little globe. Look, it's like rainbow. Okay. And it lights up with the constellations. So this one is called Boots. B-O-O-T-E-S. It's literally called Boots. So that's the tour of the set. Oh, also I'm rocking with my little mug here.

And of course I have a little guys. It is. It was so much fun customizing this set. I don't give a fuck. My passion and my calling is interior design. So whatever you bitches have to say, don't say it to me because this set is perfect and beautiful house Targaryen. Uh, what is this called? Coaster house Targaryen coaster. Oh yeah, that's good.

Okay, so of course I have my laptop here. Oh, and my old timey mic. Guys, the set tour is not over. My old timey mic. It's like Elvis. I feel like Elvis. Do I look like Elvis? Stop. Okay, so what's the vibration of this podcast? I really, really am inspired, obviously, by Mrs. Welcome to the stage, Mrs. Emma Chamberlain, aka Mrs. Role Model. Actually, he would be Mr. Chamberlain.

I love Emma Chamberlain, bitch. I fucking love her. And she is so insightful with like really interesting topics. I love how she names her podcast episodes. I love how she goes into detail, but it's so silly and crazy. I love her.

So I'm very inspired by that sort of stream of consciousness, which is what I've always, I mean, that is my side TikTok. That's my YouTube. It's just like, sure, you can give me a topic, but will I stay on it? Probably not. Okay. Probably not. I'm a woman of the people. I'm a woman of the mind. Okay. Some may say I am left and right brained. Okay. I've heard it before. Okay. I want to manage some expectations. Sometimes I'm going to get super serious guys. Okay. Okay.

Look at this face. Look at this face. And if you're an audio listener, listen to my face. Sorry. Sorry. That was gross. Sorry. Okay. One, two, three eyes on me. If you can hear me, clap twice. Thank you. I'm going to sometimes explore some kind of deep topics. Things I've been thinking about that week. Things that have been on my mind. Maybe if I'm feeling crazy, some things I've talked about in therapy. Recently, it's been a lot of body issues and men.

and all the fun stuff. So we'll get into that sometimes. Only when I'm feeling like it. And if I cry, shut up. If I cry, hey, did you see it? No. If I cry, no, I didn't. Anyway, I also want to go through my top three songs of the week. I think that'd be so fun. And because we're copyrighted, obviously, I'm going to have to have you guys look up the songs because I cannot play them. Okay. YouTube, you won this round. YouTube, you old bastard.

And sometimes episodes will be themed. I have this idea in my brain of the next like six episodes being a topic of something that I love. So that entire episode will be dedicated to La Rosalia, Harry, Pedrito Pascal, things like that. So let me know if you guys would be interested in that. I actually don't care. I'm going to do it anyway. Okay.

guys, let me know, but I will not be listening to what you have to say. But definitely leave me a comment because sometimes your comments make me giggle. Actually, I'd say most of the time your comments make me giggle. The comments some of you bitches leave on my spam account, I'm sweating, by the way. A bead of sweat just rolled down my back. The comments you'll leave on my spam account make me cry laugh sometimes.

Oh my God, we could go through them sometimes. I have so many ideas swirling around in my noggin. It's like a little whirlwind. It's like a tornado. There's a bunch of cows and corn and houses and tractors all blowing around in my brain. But I'm a 26-year-old female woman. Guys, also, feeling a little awkward, right? I'm hosting my own newscast. Feeling awkward but supported. Because through Christ, all things are possible.

three cries and all things are possible all day three cries all things are possible taylor loves when i do that voice okay also i'm sweating under my boobs it is so fucking miserable sometimes to be a woman okay no one talks about under boob sweat everyone's like i wish i had big boobs no you don't babe i wear a 40 double d 40 double d you have any idea what my back looks like

I had a mole removed from my back. All right, moving on. I have a question really quick before I get into what I wanted to talk about because I've been feeling really awkward about this lately. I'm going to turn over here. Did anyone else during the pandemic have an Alabama Barker face? Now, some of you may be asking, who the fuck is Alabama Barker? That is going to be Travis Barker's teenage daughter. This is her up on the screen.

Now, Alabama Barker, was she 15 years old when I found her on TikTok and binged her account? Yeah, she was. Okay. I think she's like 17 now, maybe 18. I was obsessed. Every night before I went to bed, I would watch Addison Rae's videos and I would watch Alabama Barker's because in my brain, when I'm feeling a little delusional, I think I look like Alabama. I don't want a single comment to tell me I don't because you're lying. That's my twin. Look at my twin. Yeah.

I was obsessed with her. I get obsessed with like really pretty blondes. Obviously she's not a natural blonde, but it doesn't matter. If you're a blonde, you're a blonde. It doesn't matter what is grown out of your head. If your hair is blonde, you are a blonde. And I will die on that hill. This is my natural hair color. What's grown out of my neck. Anyway, I had an Alabama Barker phase where I would literally just sit on TikTok and just scroll. And it would usually be her hair.

mouthing lyrics to really troubling songs or like half-assedly doing dances. And sometimes, oh my God, she would do vlogs where she'd be like, hey y'all, I'm going to Italy with my family. And I was like, period, Alabama Barker. I don't give a fuck. I'm obsessed with you. She will never understand, not for a long time, how much fucking money she has. How much fucking money she has.

She has at her disposal. That is crazy. Anyway, I needed to get that off my chest. Okay. Now what's in the coffee cup? Is it liquor? No. Okay. That's going to be cafe, cafe Bustelo. Okay. Estilo Espresso. Espresso style cafe Bustelo. Now this shit is fucking jet fuel. I have about two to three of these a day. I could run a mile. Do I? No. Have I ever? Barely. Okay.

You guys remember when in like middle school, we'd have to run the mile. Uh, the first mile, the first mile I ever ran was 15 minutes, 15 minutes. And the guys were always like, I got it in six. Oh, I had six, 15. Oh, you'd be all over. I was like six minutes, which I, I, and I ran too. They don't, that's one thing they don't talk about when you're a plus size girl running a 15 minute mile. Okay.

I want to go on Etsy and find a t-shirt that says I survived my 15 minute mile. Cause I was huffing and puffing like a fucking dragon after that mile too. I've never been athletic. Much to my father's chagrin. We should have a broski nation vocabulary segment. I'm so smart. Chagrin. Distress or embarrassment at having failed or, or been humiliated.

feel distressed or humiliated period it's a verb too you can chagrin someone he was chagrined anyway this shit is jet fuel cafe bustolo but it's so good it's got that full-bodied oaky afterbirth flavor so fucking delicious get into cafe bustolo but don't sell it out because if i go to fucking walmart and you bitches have sold out cafe bustolo i'm gonna be pissed and i'm gonna tweet your addresses

I'm gonna go into each and every follower and I'm gonna find your IP address and I'm gonna come get you. Okay? I'm gonna get you. Have y'all seen that? Look at my photos on my MacBook. That makes me think of this. Hey boy, am I talking too fast for you or something? You hear me? I reckon you get up out of here, huh boy? You're more than supposed to be around here, are you? Yeah, pack it, beat it, scram. If Drewski has one fan, it's me.

If Drewski has zero fans, I'm dead. I love Drewski, dude. Okay, anyway, I'm sipping this jet fuel, so give me a damn minute. Oh, also, my Keurig does this fun thing where when I... I'm tucking my sweatshirt under my boobs, and I don't want to hear a damn thing about it. If you comment on that, you're anti-woman. Actually, yes. The camera angles, you can't even see it. I love filming a nice diet.

What was I talking about? Oh, so my Keurig does this fun thing where sometimes it's fuzzy. Sometimes the last time I cleaned my Keurig, I opened that top compartment and I poured my water in and I saw it looked kind of similar to what I imagine a coral reef looks like when there's a current. There were barnacles, there were growths, and there was some kelp.

Some Keurig kelp. Keurig brand kelp. Growing in the top of my fucking Keurig. And so I was like, and I got a paper towel and I tried to wipe out the top. And I said, and then I was, you know, I was on wiki how. How to clean a Google. What does that mean? How to clean a Keurig.

And it says to run vinegar through your Keurig. Vinegar cleans everything. Vinegar cleans it all. First of all, no, it fucking doesn't. You guys are liars. Or maybe I'm an idiot. And maybe both are true. Okay? I have tried time and time again to clean a dishwasher with vinegar, to clean my Keurig, to clean the sink, to clean clothes. It just makes me smell like pickles. It does not clean it. Okay? You know what cleans clothes? OxyClean. What was his name? Bill...

OxyClean Bill. Billy Mays. He fucking died? Billy Mays died in 2009? Cocaine a factor in Billy Mays' death? Holy shit, guys. Autopsy says heart disease killed TV pitchman. Cocaine not contributing factor. Holy shit. This is, uh, Stanley was recently at my house. We were hanging out and I, uh, I said something. Oh, we were talking about Avicii. Remember Avicii?

Like kind of like Calvin Harris, but not. I love Avicii, dude. RIP Avicii. And I was like, you know, he died and it had something to do with he discovered like a child pornography ring or something like that. And Stanley was like, really? And I was like, yeah, Google it. Because I had my screen casted up on the TV and he Googled it and it said, this is not funny, but it said Avicii died.

like, you know, pedophile, sex trafficking, death ring. He was trying to expose it, whatever. And it was the article that I had read. And I was like, damn, yeah, click on that. And then at the bottom, it said, fact check, false. It said, fact check, this did not happen. This is not true. I said, every day is a constant fucking humiliation. I have never had a moment where I'm not suffering from some version or level of humiliation. And that's my truth. And that's the truth I live every day.

I wake up, put my pants on, put my little slippers on, make me a little cafe Bustolo and let the humiliation begin. Okay. I'm sorry, Billy Mays. RIP. Anyway, my Keurig was fuzzy. So I tried to run vinegar through it. And they say you have to do it like five, six, seven, 15 times. Right? I went through a whole bottle of vinegar. The house smelled like I had pissed in my pants, ate a jar of pickles,

poured the jar of pickles on myself. And I imagine, you know, how babies are in a, like a strapped in baby chair, like a toddler dining chair. I imagine if I was, you all remember baby Spencer, baby Spencer. This is how I imagine myself. Okay. Baby Spencer from iCarly.

Imagine me like this, but I have pissed myself. My body is also that tiny. I've pissed myself. I've poured a whole jar of pickles on myself. I've choked on it, coughed it up, vomited it everywhere. And now I'm slapping the table and playing in it like babies play with applesauce. That's what the fucking house smelled like when I ran vinegar through the Keurig. It was, and I mean this genuinely, horrid. Terrible. Horrible. Why do people from Florida talk like that, by the way? Horrible. Florida. Anyway.

And so I did that like five to 10 times and the fuzziness went away, but now it fucking stinks. Now my Keurig stinks like hot vinegar. And so I ran water through it a few times and I was like, that is as clean as it's going to get. And my coffee still tasted like vinegar for like five uses after that. Well, I cleaned the Keurig. Honestly, maybe that was a year and a half ago. I need to do it again. I went to make coffee this morning and yesterday. And sometimes, you know, when I like,

drink the sink water i'll pour the sink water into my little cup and i'll pour that into the keurig then i'll make my coffee and then i'll go to my fridge excuse me pardon i'll go to my fridge and i'll get out my oat milk because i like to cut my cafe boost low full oat milk okay call me crazy and i poured that cold oat milk in there and my coffee maybe sizzled okay so what the fuck by the way

Can someone, maybe Hank Green, tell me why my coffee sizzled similar to the water in Flint, Michigan when I poured oat milk into it? I looked at that and I got that little sinking feeling in my stomach, like another thing I have to fucking deal with. And then I was like, I don't care. I drink sink water all the time. And hey, I look great. Okay. And if you don't agree, you're wrong. I drink sink water and I was raised drinking milk. I am stronger than a fucking bowl. Wow.

I am stronger than a grown man who eats solely meat. Look at this physique. You bitches can't tell me absolutely fucking anything. Anyway, sometimes my coffee sizzles and it's very concerning because it didn't used to do that. So maybe I need to clean my keg. Anyway. Okay. So we need to talk about...

The latest obsessions, right? That's what we were here for. This was supposed to be a streamlined way to get the information of what I'm obsessing over, what Broski Nation needs to be alerted about to its viewers and to its citizens, right? So this is that streamlined process. We have three things on the docket today because I can't reveal all the secrets, okay? I've got to keep you guys on your toes a little bit.

So the three that were the first one that we'll go over today, that's going to be peso pluma. Okay. Who is peso pluma? I'm so glad you asked. This is peso pluma. He is a Mexican singer and rapper and he's my husband. Don't fucking tell me he looks like Dixie D'Amelio. Don't tell me he looks like Noah Schnapp. Don't tell me he looks like the kid from stranger things. Don't tell me he looks like Will, whatever his name is. I know. I know. Y'all need to relax on that a bit.

He is so cute. I don't give a fuck what you have to say. Not him. Him. Okay, don't look at that one. He's so cute. I genuinely don't care. Now, damn, I need that shirt. It's one of those wrestling shirts. La doble P. Doble P viejo. A la verga. I love face-off. Thank you. Plus, you can swap out proteins and sides to your liking.

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really are a lifesaver if you struggle from the same affliction that I do. It's also great for one, you know, I cook for myself and it's nice to just not really have excess food or waste around the house because that's a problem.

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This brings me to a larger discussion of what is happening. What is happening in Latin music, guys? Everyone is boycotting Bad Bunny. What's up with that? I actually do know what's up with that. He said some pretty troubling things recently. The shit with Kendall Jenner, I don't want to talk about. Personally, I am mourning. I am grieving a loss of one of Broski Nation's strongest soldiers.

One of our strongest fucking soldiers. We lost him to the Jinder Kardashian clan. He has joined a cult similar to Hal Herald and potentially... Who else did she date? Who did that girl date? What's her name? She was in... And she dated him. And she's got that kid with that weird name. That was an impression of my grandma.

But it's funny because my Mimi knows exactly what she's talking about. I'm sure y'all's grandparents do that too. Where like she's trying to recall the exact name, but she knows what she's talking about. And then like she'll reveal enough details where I'm like, oh, mom, that's Post Malone or Mimi. Mimi, that's Post Malone. Mimi, that's whatever. She called me one time. She said, how's your friend? I said, Mimi, what are you talking about? I got a lot of friends. Who are you talking about? She said, your friend. He's got them tattoos.

I said, so many people have texted Mimi. She said, oh, Mr. Malone. Mr. Malone. My friend, Mr. Malone. I was like, Mimi, are you talking about Post Malone? Yeah, he's from Texas. Mimi. Hey, he's good. You want to talk to him? He's right here. Mimi, please. Anyway, what was I talking about? That's going to be a problem. That's going to be a problem. What the fuck was I talking about?

Oh, Bad Bunny, Bad Bunny's dating. Woo! Bad Bunny is dating Kendall Jenner. Okay? But I did see a funny paparazzi video where she pulled up to some restaurant in her old school Cadillac or something like that. And she's driving it. She parked, she was fixing her makeup. And she's playing like, Dembow or something like that. And I was like, holy fuck, Kendall Jenner listening to Latin music is crap. So that's fine. It's not fine, but it could be worse.

Um, also Benito said some things that's like, why would you say that? And his Coachella performance? Yeah. I pissed in my fucking pants. Like you think I'm not, you think I'm not going to stand there and piss in my fucking pants. Oh my God. And he brought out Post Malone. I can't talk about it anyway. So yes. Um, Benito, I love you. And yeah, I almost did get, I have the sticker right here. I almost got the Conejo Malo, uh, fucking, um, outline, but I didn't because I'm smart.

Because I got my left and right brain firing on all cylinders all the time. I am a well-oiled machine. Anyway, Bad Bunny. It's so cool to see in Latin music right now. Because reggaeton has been on top for so long. I mean, Bad Bunny has been the most globally streamed artist for the last three or four years. Something stupid like that. Insane numbers. And just breaking the charts. And it's been so cool to have that be...

you know, the most popular genre of music, arguably, globally. So to have that happen and now a regional Mexican music, what? Like that's so fucking cool, bitch. And I see a lot of people, and hey, I'll include myself in that, bandwagoners. I have no fucking problem being a bandwagoner. Don't you want, hey, I actually have a rant. Listen, hey, one, two, three eyes on me. If you can see me, if you can hear me clap twice, thank you.

All the people driving, taking their hands off the wheel, getting in a wreck. This is playing as they're in a wreck. And yeah, my boobs are sweating. Um, and what was I going to say, by the way? Oh, my rant. What was I going to rant about? Okay. I was talking about regional Mexican music. Oh, bandwagoners. Okay. So there's always, always since the dawn of time, the dawn of the fucking internet, um,

Been this argument of like, oh, well, you only like that because it's popular. And so what, bitch? I like it because it's popular because it's good. Okay?

What's the problem? Like, don't you want that sort of thing to succeed? I have never understood. Actually, I do understand, but I'm older now and I, and I, I see the problem with it of wanting to gatekeep your favorite, right? Like wanting to gatekeep because you knew them when they were small and no one talked about them and, and there was so little content and they probably had a direct connection with their fans and,

Like they would interact a lot more. And of course, the bigger that the artist gets, that kind of goes away, right? Because they're so incredibly popular. It's not possible to be able to have that intimate connection. You're not playing to a small room at the house of blues anymore. You're playing fucking AT&T stadium. You know, it's like, and you want that to happen. You want your favorite artists to be successful. It is 2023. TikTok has revolutionized the music industry.

It is no longer like plausible, I think, to gatekeep your favorite artists because the goal always is more streams, more attention, more eyeballs, more streams, more listeners. So I don't think that it serves anyone. It just makes you look fucking annoying and like a cunt a little bit. If you're like inhaler, I knew them when no one girl who fucking cares. Okay. I like inhaler too. Okay. Anyway.

I need a bang trim. Anyway, I will fully admit, hey, hand on the Bible, I'm a bandwagoner when it comes to Peso Prumo, but I'm a big fan of him. Like, I fucking love him. I love his stage presence. I love his attitude. I love how grateful he is. I love how giving he is. I see so many videos of him, like, really giving back to his community, which is so fucking... I don't think it's for...

I don't think it's for, you know, like you can tell he really, really cares. He has meet and greets with his fans. Like I love him. Is he on Coke? Probably. Is he on Coke? Yeah. Don't they call him Perico Pluma or something like that? Is it Perico? Okay. And guys, you're in this with me. Okay. For all my Hispano Hablante listeners, I am white. Don't forget that. I know you don't. I know you never will. But sometimes, hey, I got to pull up the old Spanish dictionary. Okay. I got to pull up that Spanish dict. Yeah. Yeah.

It's slang for Coke. Coke, snow, blow, and a parakeet. So sometimes I'll see videos of a peso pluma. His real name is Hassan, by the way, Slay. I'll see videos of him like after a show and his eyes are real wide and he's kind of like fucking Molly jaw or whatever. And all the comments will be at the parakeet emoji because perico means Coke and parakeet in Spanish. And I'm like, damn, like, like, like, like, cause it's funny.

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Take back your financial freedom today by visiting pdsdebt.com slash report. Okay, for all of you non-believers, I have a video to show you. I played this for my best friend Taylor and she looked at me in my eyes and said, like, okay, derogatory. Like, oh, okay.

Like that sort of thing. Bitch. He is so... Guys, that's really all I wanted to say. If you get it, you get it. If you don't, don't fucking talk to me about it. I don't want to talk about it. You think I want to talk about it? I don't want to talk about it. Other than peso, pluma. I'm just like best. I go in and out of waves of like

really intense. All I listen to is Latin music. And then sometimes it's like, it's not even on my radar. And I do the same with like country music. I do the same with yacht rock, like dad rock. And sometimes I'll do the same with like future. I'll only listen to future for like two weeks straight. And then I won't think about him for six months.

It really just like music is such a, I measure periods in my life by what music I was listening to at the time. So anyway, right now it's Beso Pluma and Young Mico. Baby Mico. I love her, bitch. She's hot, okay? You want me to sit here and act like she's not? She's hot. What? You want me to sit here and lie? She's hot. Come on, dude. Her tattoos are...

She is, in my eyes, the lesbian version of Bad Bunny. Okay? So if that sounds like something you're into, get into it. I fucking love her. And I've been on a kick recently. And I'll watch edits of her on TikTok and tingle a little bit. Okay? Sometimes I get a tingle. Sometimes...

Listen, this podcast is going to be an all things go. Okay? Anything goes with Emma Chamberlain and Brittany Broski. Welcome my co-host, Emma Blay-blay-blay-blay-blay. Thank you for being here. Sometimes when I was a child, maybe late elementary, early middle school, I asked my mom, I said, go over a railroad track sometimes my wuss tangles. That's all I have to say on that matter. Okay? I just don't feel like sharing more.

Hey, maybe I shared too much. Okay. That's the beauty of the internet. That's the beauty of this podcast, Mike, to you and yours at home. Okay. Maybe, maybe I should shut the fuck up, but then I wouldn't have a podcast. Okay. Anyway, last night I self-tanned. I self-tanned and I used this bullshit brand. Do not buy this brand. It's called, what is it? What is it called?

It's called B-Tan, tanned AF, self-tan mousse. That shit fucking sucks. You know how most self-tans, most self-tans are like, you put it on, you let it dry, and then you sleep in it. Like you sleep overnight, like eight hours. And it doesn't really like rub off, at least ones I've used before that are like a liquid. Like I've only used a mousse like once in my life.

I usually use a liquid, but I ran out of it. So I went to Walmart and bought this one. This shit, like I would touch my finger to my arm by accident. It would wipe off. And my like pale white Elmer's glue skin would be underneath from just like brushing my fingers against my arm. Like it did not dry down. And I had to lay down a blanket on my bed to be able to lay down. I was butt naked. I was like, if a burglar came in right now, he would probably come in here and turn around and leave.

Okay, because my nude body is enough to deter any burglar. My nude body could be used as an international weapon. They just shine a big projection of my naked size 18 body. And it would, first of all, be so pale that it could blind any pilot within a 20 mile radius. And second of all, it would be such a jarring image. They should show it to like POW camps. A jarring, scary image.

Anyway, don't fucking buy B-Tan Tanned AF Self-Tan Mousse. Say tan one more time, by the way. Stupid ass fucking name. Holy shit. Even use one of those mitts. And it also, it dries...

on the mitt but not on your body so i'm trying to like rub it around because it was kind of patchy and i did everything right dude i exfoliated i put a lotion on and it dried down okay so i was hydrated i was exfoliated and i was dry my skin was dry and i put that shit on and it did not dry down it got everywhere and i'm just pissed off about it and i still smell like fucking cat chow all self-tan smells like cat chow but it's worth it if you get tanned

And I'm not trying to be crazy dark. I'm just trying not to reflect the light from the sun. It is so hard being a woman. Don't buy B-tan. If you guys have any recommendations for self-tanner, I'm about to just go get a damn spray tan. I'm so over it. And I've never gotten a spray tan because I think they're going to make me look like Jennifer Coolidge when she has those things on her eyes, those little circle sunglasses. And she's, I think that's what I'm going to look like. I'm scared. But the Kardashians, the Kardashians get spray tans.

Okay. And I, I am about as close to a Kardashian as they come. Okay. So if they can do it, I can do it. Don't buy B tan. Okay. Guys, I think I've said all I need to say for this first episode. Okay. This has been a crazy wild ride.

And I'm loving you guys. I love you guys so much. Thank you for being so patient for this podcast to come out. It has been a labor of love, entirely self-funded. I paid for all of this myself. It's in my house. This is in my spare bedroom. And I think it's so cute. I think we really, really knocked it out of the park, y'all. I think it's real, real cute. And yeah, thank you for your patience. My...

talk show is coming out soon. I've teased it and talked about it a lot on the interwebs, on Mark Zuckerberg's internet, and that is coming out in the summertime. So be on the lookout for that. That's it over here at the Broski Report team. That'll do it for episode one. Thank you for listening and subscribing and rating five stars and watching on YouTube.

Spotify, Apple Podcasts, whatever you like, whatever you want. It's here for you, okay? Yeah, I'm watching Duck Dynasty again. I've relapsed. All right, team. Thanks for listening. Love you. Bye. Stay safe.