Session 26: Tefi
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Hello, pussies, and welcome back to Therapus. We are doing a double drop this week. Surprise! Um, geez, um...

Today we have one of my closest, closest friends in the industry, Taffy. She is amazing. I'm sure you all know her, but recently it was just announced she is going to be on a new Prime original talk show called Influenced. It's produced by Hello Sunshine, which if you don't know is Reese Witherspoon's company, which is just a little fun fact, but

Tuffy is just a dream and the best person ever. I remember when I was at my first event ever, literally ever, and

I just felt very, like she grabbed me and I felt very gravitated towards her and she like really took me under her wing for the night. And she is just so lovely and so smart and so funny and so quick and really just the best. So I'm really excited that you guys can experience that now too. Okay. I love you pussies. Enjoy the episode. You guys, I've honestly had a rough morning and I'm so happy that the guest today that is here is here. Oh,

You all know her as Teffy, and I also know her as Teffy. Please welcome one of my best friends and first friends in this industry, Teffy. Hello. Hi. How are you? Like, I've seen brighter days. So I want to intro our first segment. Yeah, let's talk about something fun. Well, it's actually not fun, but it's supposed to be fun. Okay. It's called Therapist. And I just want to ask what you were pissed off about this week, because I feel like you and I both love to talk about that. I think... Yes.

I think when I'm, I get pissed off a lot about, how do I say, uh, I get pissed off a lot about, I'm trying to, I get pissed off at myself. Right. But in a way where I'm trying to figure out a way where I can be, um, present at my job. Right. And show up on time and look and feel my best. Right.

Be a good friend. Yeah. And not miss out on any milestones and always be there for my friends. Be a good daughter. And like take care of yourself. That's last. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like be a good sister. Right. And then be a good sister to both my siblings. Right. Be a good person of my community. Right. Like making sure and then also keeping up with...

Social media, mental health, keeping my appointments. And right before I got to the AMAs, I was in bed and my flight was at 3 and then I got delayed to 7. And then I got delayed to 9. And I called my manager and I was like, I don't want to go. I'm really tired. And I'd gone out the night before because I'm missing out on a lot of stuff in my friends' lives. And I say that to them like, no, you're not. But I'm like...

Yeah, but there's going to come a point where like I'm old and decrepit and I want to be a golden girl. Yeah. You know, like I want to have my bitches with me and I don't want to be like, tell me about that time that I missed because I was on a flight to an award show. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's in my mind. So I think that's something I got like really pissed off about when my manager was like, no, you're going. And I was like, what?

fuck you know what I mean and they're like and he was like yeah but you know this is gonna be great you never get to see those friends either and I was like you know and and then and there's other people too like my hair and makeup people that like I love and would die for and they're also my friends and I'm like

that's work for them. Yeah. I don't want to not pay them and they already accepted that job and it's the day before or whatever. And then also I get pissed off online when I posted a tweet about Zendaya. That Zendaya and I, some, there's a Chalamet lady on Twitter that she's like obsessed. She's like 50 something. She's like,

Club Chalamet is the name of it. She's obsessed with him. And then she said, I'm so sick of that one girl, like taking all the attention on red carpets when the real star is there. Timothy Chalamet. Which is like fine. I think Timothy Chalamet is, I think, going to be like the Leonardo DiCaprio of our generation. I think he's so talented. But like Zendaya. Yeah, like she is. So I sent a story on Twitter that was like, I had an amazing interaction with her. I interviewed her in London. She's so lovely.

At her age, I interviewed her when she was 23. Uh-huh. And she was the most gracious, lovely, sweet,

sometimes you're interviewing people and they don't give you anything. Yeah. She really was like, let's do this. And I was like, okay, let's fucking go. Like we just, you know, and then, um, months and months and months later I went to a party as a plus one, the big fashion party. And, um, nobody was like really talking to me. I was like really new to that scene. And also I'm someone's plus one. So I'm just like holding like a,

champagne glass with no bubbles in it, a stale, stale champagne. Like trying to talk to people, but they don't give a fuck about who I am and, but they give a fuck about my plus one. So it was like a delicate dance. I mean, I was who I was plus one for, excuse me. And then people started buzzing that Zen

Zendaya arrived and I was like, do I say hi to her? Right. Would that be weird? I don't want to bother her. Or like, what if she's like, okay. Yeah. So I'm like in a corner alone, like pretending took my emails. Like I'm like, Oh, unsubscribe from like pottery refinery, whatever. Yeah. And I look up and it's Zendaya. And she was like, didn't you interview me in London? And I was like, I did. And then we ran out of things to talk about. Cause she's 23 and I'm can't be like,

Who are you dating? Like, I get like, you know what I mean? So we ran on. She goes, okay. And then people started introducing themselves to me.

because of that interaction and i knew that that was her act of kindness i knew that's what that was i knew that she was like so sweet of her and then they made a mistake i think i think and they put me in the same table as her and she won fashion icon of the year that week that year and it was like a dinner and i was there with like at the same table with like tom ford and in a winter it was crazy yeah it was amazing and then i tweeted that and then i saw i had like 50 000

quote tweets or something. And I was like, no, like 500 quote tweets. And like, what's a quote tweet? Exactly. When you, uh, when you comment to the tweet on top or whatever. Okay. Got it. And it was like, so nice to see Zendaya's PR working overtime when she's wearing blood diamonds. Like you think Zendaya's PR team said there's only one person to call. You fucking crazy. Oh, I had to, I had to reply. And I was like, I didn't, I

Like, you're not going to take Zendaya away from me. No. You know what I mean? You're not going to fucking do that. She, like, is one of those people that, like, you know how we were talking about someone's like, oh, I knew I had a bad vibe from them. Oh, my God. I don't think anyone could ever say that about her. Bless you. Pussy PSA. Bless you. When I was like, pussy PSA, Louise queefed. She's so angry she queefed. Yeah.

Someone's vape is on the floor. It's disgusting. We'll do that. Can I hit it? Absolutely. Oh my God, I love it.

Of course. Oh, Van Cleef on the wrist. Oh my God. Yes, I know. I got it as a gift. Oh, from who? A man? Sophia. I love that. Yeah. Why Loren? Sophia Richie. Yeah. Okay. Sophia Loren. She gave it to me for my birthday. That's so sweet. Wait, I've been meaning to ask this the entire time. I saw your thing about Griselda. Oh yeah. And then I didn't, I was like, I want to give this my full attention. So I favorited it. And then I was like,

I'm just going to ask her about it in person. What were your thoughts on it? I think, so Sofia Vergara, there are certain people in the Latin American community

and a public-facing Latin American person that, like, when my mom was growing up and stuff, like, if you ask her who she listened to, it's not, like, Colombian artists. It's Madonna. It's American people. So the generation today now has people that they can refer to as mainstream Latin American artists. I think Shakira was, like, the biggest one, like, 2004 with Laundry Service. But, like...

Bad Bunny, Kato G, the list goes on and on and on and on. Right? Like Becky G. Sofia Vergara was one of the first people that I, in Miami, was like, she's Colombian and she's famous. Right. You know what I mean? And to ever like have anything negative to say about her, I've worked with her before in when I was a,

stylist. I flunked math, like statistics in college because I missed the final to come assist style her in New York. Right. Like she is sick story. She did a line for Kmart and she had like a dress line, you know, like how Eva Mendes has skirts and dresses. She was something like that. And it was like all leopard print, super sexy stuff, really cute. And,

And I've always been proud of her. And then when I made that video where I was like, Columbia is more than just drugs, even though I was trying to be more critical of TV and networks, because even Sophia said, I want to play more things, but this is all people want to fucking talk about. And I understand she wants to grow and to do more stuff. But I just feel like for Sophia, a lot of people give her flack. Like there's so many more roles. No, there's not. There's really not. And now just now in 2023, like,

people like more there's more Latin people mainstream right but for Sofia Vergara like she killed she did so she killed it good she's so good she's so good she made me hate her even like she made yeah I was by the end of it I was like oh because yeah it was it was told like such a like I love like

mafia cartel stories. Because they always end in drug-fueled paranoia. Always. Every single time. Psychosis. Griselda, Goodfellas, just everything. Put down the gun, Karen. I love you, Karen. I love that stuff. Yeah. But I think...

I think when it comes to people, people took my opinion of it, like watch it support Sofia, but like, let's talk about other and let's make other roles like Coco and people are like, there are other movies, Coco and, and what's a, and I'm like,

Yeah, they're cartoons. And then people are commenting like novelas. I'm like, you know what I mean? Like soap operas. And I'm like, that's, yeah, but I'm talking about mainstream on Netflix, in English, Colombian stories. There are so fucking many. Ask me about my family. Let's talk about,

let's make, you know what I mean? Like there's a million little micro subculture. It's like in the United States, like a story from New York is not a story from Georgia. Right. It's like the same thing. Right. So I think when it comes, it's important to know our history and it is a part of our history. You know what I mean? And that's, but it's,

It's a... The 80s was such, like, a disgusting, terrible time. Yeah. And I always want people to get their flowers. So, like, I'm just... I just want people to see Sofia Vergara as, like, the actress that she is. She's incredible. She's hyper-talented. She's...

She's one of eight sisters. Wow. That alone must be fucking crazy. I know that when she said she brought all her sisters, I was like, this is a lot. Oh, she brought all of them? And her mom. Oh, so she's a big family girl. Big family girl. And they all got their hair and makeup done. She takes care of her people. She's wonderful. She's a longtime client of my ex-boss who was a stylist. People only have wonderful things to say about her. And to be in the business that long and have only wonderful things to say is incredible. And I want her to succeed. I would love for other people to talk about other things, but...

And for Latin people to be celebrated in other spaces. Like I think every culture in the world, I call them passion cultures where people might care more about the horrible things that have happened and their traditions versus the people that have experienced that violence or have suffered because of said traditions. Right. Right. Every single like Italian people, Irish people. So when it comes to Latin American stories, there are so many stories that would make you

piss like laugh or be proud of somebody like cry like a like a Super Bowl commercial. Yeah. That kind of like oh my God I'm so proud of them. But Chriselle DeBlanco was not like a mother trying to survive. Yeah. She wanted to be rich. Yeah. And Americans love get rich quick fuck everybody else stories. It's a crazy fucking story.

It is a crazy story. And what she said is true in an interview. She said, I've known everything. Like, I'm Colombian and I've known all about this, like, Narcos and all that stuff. And I had never heard of this woman who was a boss. I also had never heard of her. And I'm, like, pretty entrenched in all that stuff. In mafia stuff. Yeah, in mafia. Like, just, like, criminal activity in, like, each city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. True crime. True crime. We love true crime. And...

I had never heard of her, but what made me watch the show, honestly, was the quote they put on the screen at the very beginning, which was I've never, the only man. Pablo Escobar's only person she's ever scared of is a woman. Is Griselda Blanco. It's so cool. But he's not scared of her because she's so business savvy. Yeah. It's because she's a fucking nut. Yeah. She's a fucking nut. And then my family, my family knows people personally that were directly affected by her and people, you know,

Like Pablo Escobar. Yeah. In that vicinity. And they're too out of like the Ochoas. There's a bunch of people. So it's hard because these are people who directly like broke my grandparents' heart. Right. Like broke it. Yeah. And stole a lot and also like stole stories from us. Right. You know? And today on NPR.

No, it's fascinating. So true. What I do, if people don't follow me like losers, but I feel like no, but I try to humanize people all the time. So I appreciate trying to humanize a Latin woman. I understand that. Right. But they only cover like 2% of like the horrific, nasty, disgusting things that they did to people. Yeah. You know? Right. And, um,

There are a lot of like sick stories that come out of Columbia. Like the other day, my mom said I was going to be like minister of culture because I posted like all the things that Columbia is known for. And it's a million. There's like 4,000 types of orchids where like the pink dolphins are native to it. Like there's so many things. There's pink dolphins? Yeah, in the Amazon because they eat shrimp. What? Yes, they're so fucking cute. I didn't know there was pink dolphins. Yeah, you're my little pink dolphin. Okay.

Thanks, Tuffy. I remember at the Spotify Grammy party, I saw Jake and I was like, hi. And he was like, oh my God, bit. Like the one thing Spotify said, no cussing, no talking of alcohol. And Jake comes on and he's like, oh my God, bitch, you look fucking amazing. You're slaying. I can't wait to get fucked up tonight. And I go, oh my God, Jake, we're live. He goes, oh. Yeah. I was like, and in my ear, they're like, amazing. I'm like, only Jake Shane can.

Oh, that actually makes me so happy. They were like, yes. And that's why they were like, we need an interview with him after. Remember afterwards you went to like one of those studio houses? Yeah. It was because of that? Not because of that, but they were like, I thought, oh my God, no, he cursed. And they're like, we have to get him now. We have to get him now. Get him back here. He's so funny. And I thought also they wanted to get you before you got fucked up. Yeah. And that was a really, and by the way, the thing they got me for was Cosmo cheap shots. And I loved that. That's my favorite thing.

favorite, favorite type of comedy. And I don't know if that's a good thing, but it's like putting on a mini... Oh, yeah. I don't know how to... How would you describe it, Louise? Are you talking about the medium itself?

No, just like I'm putting on like a 10-minute show for like 10 people in the room. But then it goes to like – like that's – I'm really bad with large crowds. But like with a 10-person room, I can like lasso it and like be really funny. It's a dinner party. Yeah. I like dinner party. Dinner party humor. Everyone always asks me like, will you ever do stand-up? I would never give anybody the opportunity not to laugh at my fucking joke. Are you out of your fucking noggin? If somebody didn't laugh at my joke –

Zero percent happening. And then also, I hate saying the same joke twice. You want me to go on tour and say the same jokes? That I struggle with because the way I tell jokes is like a story. And then after I've told the story once or twice, I'm like, why am I telling this story a third time? It's not hitting the same as when I first told it. Yeah, when people-

People were like, repost your TikToks to Instagram. Like, but they saw it. Yeah, yeah. But they saw it. And then it makes it, like, less funny. Less funny. But I still try to do it. And then people come in, oh, I saw this on TikTok. I laughed the first time, laughing the second. I'm like, maybe it's not so bad. Yeah. Maybe it's not so bad. But the entertaining people is, like, my favorite thing to do. And you do it so good. Thank you. People love you. Like, even sometimes, how do I say this? There are people that we meet that are not...

Yes. Online. Yes. And then there are people that you do meet and you're like, you're even better. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I hope I'm in that category, but you definitely are. Like people are like, oh, everyone's like, oh my God. Like somebody came up to me like a while ago and was like, I'm shaking. I go, why? They're like, I just met Jake Shane. No. No.

I said, shut up. I've been dying to meet him. By the way, Taffy was the first person I ever met in the space. So funny. We were in the, what was it? The Vanity Fair thing. And I was scared shitless. He was in a corner. Taffy found me. He was in a corner and you look so cute. You were in like a white tee and a blazer. And I knew that you'd come alone. And that's the hardest thing to do when you're new anywhere. I don't care if you're a carpentry or going to the Carpentry USA tour. It's the hardest thing in the world. And I was like,

But then there are all these people that have been doing it for 10 years. Right. And they know everybody. Right. They know the photographer that's taking the pictures. Like, hey, hey, Paul. I'm like, Paul. Yeah. Yeah.

Bless you. I saw you and I was like, I know exactly where you are, where you know, you know people because you're mutuals. Right. But you don't know how to be cool about it. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't. I was your Zendaya. You were my Zendaya. You were my Zendaya. By the way, that Zendaya story is like really sticking with me. Like, I think she's an amazing person. I don't know. No, I got chills too. No, I can't even tell you. Like, she had nothing to gain.

That's what it is. Like she had nothing to gain from that. She had, and she took out of her time to like schmooze with like, like I think Christian Louboutin was there. Right. You know, whatever. Like all these like designer people and rappers and everybody wanted to talk to her. And she just saw someone in a corner alone. And she could tell that I was like,

you know, like Z Gallery on subscribe. Like, you know what I mean? Like all these things. And I think that's like, that's how, that's what character is. It's like when you can do things for people that you have nothing. My mom always says like generous people are never asked for anything in return. I think like Zendaya at her level of fame to be that generous with her,

Right. Like she can never get that back. You know what I mean? Yeah. So that alone, I think if I saw her today, she'd be like, what? I'm like, I was in the corner. Yeah. Please. You know what I mean? Fuck. I fucking, I'm like about to go down as a day, a rabbit hole after this. Her parents are teachers. Yeah. Like, and she's still super close with them, right? She's still super close with them. Her boyfriend is like the sweetest, cutest little thing. I love him. That's the thing too. Like she is such a good person.

to be like, give the nice, funny guy a good chance. Yeah. They are really cute together. They are. They're really, really cute together, and you can tell he worships her. And right before... You know what I think about all the time, too? She was dating Jacob Elordi. She was? Yeah. They were dating, and he allegedly... I mean, who knows? Cheated on her or didn't treat her well. And then...

Um, she started dating Tom and Tom would come to set to euphoria. Can you imagine going to set and being like, no offense. Like, I think Tom is adorable, but being like, hello, Jacob. Yeah. I mean, like, so nice to see you. I love what you're doing here and your care. Like, you know that he was just like a class act, you know? So, and I, for, for, for me, I'm in like my avoidant era, I think where dating wise,

I think I'm a fantastic partner, but I'm so terrified of getting hurt. Yeah, me too. That's the only thing that could knock me off. I think when I date someone, I tell you how I was hurt, and then for someone to hurt me that same way is cruelty. Yeah.

So when I think about the people that I go after now, they are like, like if I showed you a picture of somebody, you'd be like, Tuffy, that man is going to cheat on you like he's paid to do. And I'm like, I know. But at least it's expected, right? So I don't have to be vulnerable and I can be like, I can't believe you have to move on and live with like that you fucked me up.

How do you sleep at night? Yes. But wait, that's what I think too. You're like really, really good at reading people. We're avoiding it. We're scared. Yes. I did not know that was a thing. Like if a guy, like it's a funny story like to go on a date and it like tank. Right. But if it goes really well, now I have to be like emotionally ready for something. Yeah. And I, what if I don't measure up? Or like what if I...

there's also an idea of like, I don't think I'm the most followed person in the entire fucking world. But the idea of somebody using me for that when I don't even take advantage of it, like breaks my heart and it has happened. I always said like, I was so desperate for love that I wouldn't care if someone did that. And then someone did that the other day, but they were like, but I don't, I don't want to hook up with you. Yeah. I told you that's right. And I was like,

Oh, wait, like you couldn't even pretend? No. Like you couldn't even like sit here and pretend? Because I honestly wouldn't have cared. I'm scared to say the D word even, the date word. Like are we on a... You know what I would have said? Oh, thank God. I was really nervous. I didn't know how to tell you. Or that, you know what that reminds me of? What? What you said to, let's call them...

Let's call them Cocktail Shaker. Okay. What you said to Cocktail Shaker at the Spotify thing. What did I say? What did I say? They came up. Tevye was interviewing people with Elle, right? And she was like, which was so cool. I was so excited to do that. Amazing. And these ex or Cocktail Shaker came up and they said, we were watching a live stream here. It's so glitchy. And Tevye looked at them and said,

Okay. I thank you so much. How did it feel losing in 2017? How insane is that? You know what? I'm like, were they even nominated in 2017? Sure as fuck, they were in 2017. I said, that's so crazy. How's it feel being here around all the people you lost to in 2017? What did they say?

They laughed. What are you going to say? Yeah. I did not. They were, that was the first time that someone on camera, because people ask me all the time, is a celebrity ever been mean to you? And I go, they can't be. Yeah. We're on camera. We're on camera. And then if I'm at an event, I don't run the rivers and lakes that I'm not used to. Right. I'm sticking with Davis. I'm sticking with, you know, like Eric and Nikita and all these people. Yeah.

But Nikita, not Nikita, Dragon. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. At first I was like, wait, what? No, no, no. I don't think she's going to... I hope you're okay, Nikita. But that was the first time on camera that someone had caught an attitude with me. And I was just talking about it with my team too. I'm like, I am...

To piss me off, you really have to take me to a place where you either embarrass me or you talk about my character. Right. And then I'm going to be like, let me tell you about you for a second. Yeah. If I may. Because you don't know anything about me. You don't know anything about me. You're a wiki away. And it's a small wiki. Yeah. You know what I mean? It is a small wiki. It was just so amazing to me that you read them like that. Like with a fact I didn't even know. The best read is when you read someone with a fact that the viewer didn't know at first.

So you read them and they're like, damn, is that true? And you're like, damn, it is true. So the fact that this person that you like being the person that's reading them knew this small little or not even small, but this fact used it against them and it worked and you did. And then you taught us all about this embarrassing fact.

I mean, 10 out of 10. There's only, the only way I would come back from that, if I was in their position, I would say something like, I would have to come back to the interview and be like, I know you must, like, maybe you're our lucky charm now that we met you. Maybe we'll win next year. Like I would do, I would show grace in that way. Yeah. Fucking losers. They could even think like, they can't even think like that. We never. Okay. Well, let's get in to why we're really here. And I honestly, who is he?

Tell me what's wrong. And I think you will have some really sound advice for the pussies. Because mine's. These are submitted. Yes. They're submitted. And we prescribe them what usually takes form in like the pop culture, a pop culture remedy or whatever. The doctor. Yeah. You are the doctor. And you are here to see your patients now. And I think we're all ready for this. Is this why there's a psychologist? Yeah.

Yes. Do you like the set? I love this. I love it. It's so chic. It's really cool. I'm really proud of it. It's very, it's very, this is my vacation home. Yes. My cabin. Yes. Like when my kids are teenagers, like, can I take my friends to that cabin upstate, please? Please, can we get fucked up? Yeah, it's everyone's dream. I would love. Oh, look at the bottom of my shoes. Oh. I love those shoes. They're Miu Miu. Please, Miu Miu. Miu Miu's cute as fuck. I love you, Miu Miu. Send me something, please.

I always like see some people get sent like legitimate designer stuff. And I'm always like, I know they open up like, I'm not gonna say the brand, but they open up like a brand and they're like, thank you so much. I'm like, that's the fugliest thing I've ever seen in my entire fucking life. I didn't know a brand of this high end luxury sense stuff like that. Oh, Dior is one that I love. Like they send people Dior stuff and I'm like, I would literally do anything. Right. I'm like, damn,

Like, I was with Alex the other day, and she, I'm, like, in her, I'm in her hotel room, and I see a package from, like, Jimmy Choo. And I'm like, damn, Alex. Jimmy Choo. And they're like, dear Alex, like, da-da-da. I'm like, that is so sick. Like, dear Alex, congratulations on stomping around this city. We love you. Yeah. I'm like, what?

Alex is such a cutie. I don't think people know how shy she is. She's so shy. She's so shy. People don't know. But she, like, once you crack her, is, like, the most fun, funny. Like, she hung out with my friends all weekend. So fun. It was so fun. Like, she just adopted the language. Like, she was nimming. Like, she just, like, it was so awesome. And she kept saying, like, your friends remind me of my friends, which I think is the biggest compliment ever.

That's so sweet. I think when people are mean to her, I'm like, you don't know you're being mean to like one of the nicest girls. Right. She's so harmless. I know. And she takes whatever people throw at her, like she takes it with such grace and like doesn't let it affect her. Yes. Like my friends, when I was upset about Popgrave, were like, they said, you need to take a lesson from Alex. Yeah. Like they're like, you need to like, the way she doesn't, she's so unbothered. She's so unbothered and it's crazy to me because I'm so bothered.

about everything. I'm so bothered about everything. Everything. And she's so unbothered and I honestly think that's why people resonate with her because they're like, damn, you're really unbothered. The way that I would never ever talk about my relationship publicly

ever again. And then like, even when I did, it was like for four minutes. Right. I would never do it. And she's just like, yeah. And then we fucked. And then we, I'm like, girl. Yeah. And then he's like, and she's like, and then this person DM me and I didn't fucking know. And I'm like, you're really telling people exactly what happened. Yeah. You know what I would say? I'm seeing someone and somebody from their past and I had a disagreement, but I wish them the best. Yes. Back to Brittany. Yeah. No,

I love how much you know about Britney Spears. I love how much I know about Britney Spears. Well, maybe we'll prescribe a few Britney Spears songs. Yeah. I just found out that my roommate and boyfriend have been hooking up behind my back in my own house, but I have a two-year lease signed. What the fuck do I do? Dash Brooke. I like that you put your name so that they're going to know exactly who we're talking about. Oh, you need to fight them. You think? Oh, abso-fucking-lutely. If I was in that position, okay, if I was in that position, I would call my mom.

and I'm trying to think of what my mom would do. My mom would say, these people are trash. Yeah. They have done you a favor of showing you who they are before it gets even more serious or later on in your life when you're hitting milestones. Uh-uh. These are not people that you want in your circle. Yeah.

the Lord makes them and brings them together. These type of people. Um, what, what a lucky girl you are for people to show you who they are this early in the game. You are truly, truly blessed because there are people who get married, move in with this partner, make people bridesmaids and they're sucking cock in the fucking, um,

confessional before your wedding, when you're getting your makeup pictures done. So I think you're one of the luckiest people. What a fucking blessing. Don't you ever, ever speak to them. If you have to say, stay in the space, stay, be the most gracefully angry bitch in the world. If you have to cry into your pillow and scream and stab fucking holes into your mattress, do it.

Be so gracefully cold and angry. I am prescribing watching Dynasty on TV. Oh, you've never seen Dynasty. I've never seen it. It is so icy. You know how Southern people are like, bless your heart. Yeah. Be a bless your heart bitch. Ooh, is Dynasty really icy? Maybe I want to watch it now. So icy, so nasty. Congratulations on your first designer purse. Yeah. Like, so.

So gross. Bring home someone to fuck. Do it as loud as you possibly fucking can. Uh-huh. Be the cleanest girl in the world. Be a dream roommate. And when it's time to leave, ensure that there's nothing they can say that you did besides...

that you were cold. Yeah. And that's it. And after this, you could see war and it would, it would not affect you. I'm so sorry. You have to learn this lesson, but that's all it is. It's a lesson. Yeah. I had to learn not to like, I don't know. Um,

to not leave my hair iron on my new couch. You know, like these are just like lessons. It didn't change the direct trajectory. Yeah, it sucks. Did it catch on fire? No, but it left a two, two like big burn marks. It's stupid. It pisses me off every time I see it. So unfortunately this is just a lesson. This is not your book. This is like literally two sentences in your chapter. Thank God.

What fucking ugly losers. Only ugly people fuck each other in that way. Nasty. And if they stay together, and if they stay together, sleep at night knowing they have to tell people how they met. So true. I always think about that because I know people like that and they have to tell people how they met and it's horrible. And how, imagine me at dinner with a bitch. Yeah. And I go, oh, you and your boyfriend got engaged? How'd you guys meet? Bumble? And they're like, no, he was my best friend's boyfriend. Boyfriend. And we fell in love.

Oh, you nasty bitch. Yeah. Men will leave you in the desert without water. Enjoy the white corners of your mouth for the rest of your life. Goodbye. Damn. I think enough said, but I prescribe season six of Girls where Jessa and Adam fuck. I'm sorry, spoiler alert, but they do. And it's horrible. Spoiler. It's been out for 10 years. Yeah. It's like me like spoiling something. Sopranos. Yeah. Like I'm knowing what's happening. Please.

I just went on my first ever date and the guy was actually really nice. The one thing is I really liked talking to him, but when he would talk, I would get bored and kind of stop listening. He asked me to go on a second date, but I don't know if I should go or not. I've had this exact same problem. That's your friend, baby. Yeah. Yeah. That's your friend. What's the point? Like, I think, listen, I'm 33.

And if I don't feel like I'm in the presence of my high school crush, if every time we walk in the door, I don't feel like a nerd holding a binder full of dividers and Pokemon cards. Like, I don't feel like a fucking dweeb and I'm not nervous about it. Life is so short.

My grandparents were married for 64 years. And one time my grandma was at the house and she was so annoyed and didn't want to show it. It's because my grandfather was late for their weekly date night. If it is not like that. You come from a great family. I come from a great family where they're psychotic. They're psychotic. I love them. We're so boringly normal. But at the same time, we don't know how to say I'm sorry. You know what I mean? We have a lot of pride.

Right. Like, there's a lot of, we're Latin at the end of the day, we're Catholic, all this crazy shit. At the end of the day, though, when it comes to how to treat people or what you should be looking for, I am, what great practice to go on a date because it is an art going on a date. It's the worst. It's the worst thing in the world.

And I, but I feel this way all the time about everyone I see. Yeah. But it's, but going on a date is like, you have to learn the heart. Like I, I wouldn't go to dinner anymore because if you feel that way, yeah, you're stuck for two courses. Yeah. It's dinner for an hour. I mean, drinks for an hour.

And then you leave and it's a win-win because if you want to stay or you feel like he wants you to stay, you feel like that lingering tension, which is fantastic. Or two, you leave and you get to assess if you really like him or not. You know when you like somebody. You see people on TV that you know that you like. You just sat with this man and had a date with him and you know you don't like him. How is it that you like the vampire in Vampire Diaries more than the man who paid for your drink? You don't like him. Yeah, you don't. You know?

And sometimes it's that simple. And he's the only date that she's gotten, so she doesn't want to stop dating. That's how I feel all the time. And it's not true. I'd rather you go on dates all the time. You know, you go on friendship dates. Everything can be a date. It's just that you want romance. Right. And it's different. And that's going to happen. Statistically, it's going to happen to you. Agreed. And you know what I'm going to prescribe, but it won't make sense in the context of the movie, but it's just for the title. 50 First Dates. Oh.

Just because. I know, doesn't she have amnesia or something and doesn't remember the dates? Every 24 hours it's wiped. You're like, yes it is, yes it is. But I'm just going to prescribe that because she goes on a lot of dates. I'm going to prescribe updating your profile and boosting it on Hint. Put a boost in. Oh, I boost. I boost. Every time I'm in a new city. Constantly. Boost it. And I'm like, should I be embarrassed? Sometimes I tell people, they're like, you boosted, and I'm like, yeah. Everybody that I know boosts. Don't lie about your boosting. Yeah. Fib about whatever you want. You can lie about your height.

You can lie about your shoe size, about your pant size, whatever the fuck you can lie about. If your hair's around, don't you dare lie about your boost to me. Yeah, and I fucking super boost. Yeah, super boost. So now that you've gone on a date, you know what to expect. Edit your profile and boost that bitch up. Yeah. Fuck it, get the three booster. Yeah. Oh, I love the three booster. Me too. And sometimes they get the roses. I love the roses. You get people like, I follow you on TikTok. Yes, and I...

I like it until like they are just saying it without any romantic intent.

Cause I'm on a dating app, right? At the end of the day, like it's like, I'm on a dating app. Do you want to kiss? Yes or no? So like, I can't. Yes. And I can't like in, in real life. Like if a guy said that to me, I couldn't be like, well, why didn't he? Cause you know, we're in a public setting. Like there's no expectations, but we're on a dating app. Like I'm not on hinge to like make a best friend. This isn't Bumble BFF. Yeah. Like it's not Bumble BFF. Like I don't, but if you're saying it and it's just like a cute conversation starter, like, yeah, I don't mind.

Yeah. Like a guy, like they like will sometimes come up with smooth stuff that I enjoy. Okay. This guy from Miami. Don't do it. Really? I'm like thinking of going. Is he from Miami? No, he's from Wisconsin. So he's a trans guy. Go Badgers. Yeah. Did you go to Wisco? No, I just, I've dated so much in New York that I've like, I think I know every single fucking mascot. Yeah. You do though. O-H. I-O. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, she gave us her number. Should we call her? That is so funny. Voicemail. Okay.

Hi, Hannah. It's Jake Shane. I got your message about you're struggling between paying your dad back the $10,000 or going out with your friends. And I have Taffy here. And Taffy has some of the greatest life advice ever. Like, I would give you advice, but, like, your question gave me anxiety. So I don't know if I'm the one to give you advice on this. Like, I really don't because, like, I am just, like, also feeling anxious for you. So here is Taffy. Hi, baby. So...

Financial stress is like the worst stress in the world. Like literally it feels like your neck is tightening when you go to sleep, when you owe somebody money or you have to pay something. So I'm so sorry. It's not forever. It's temporary. So, and it's your dad, right? So it's not like a debt collector. And a lot of people don't have the fortune of having their dad step in. So you're going to be okay. You're going to be fine.

I would say that if you continue to go out, you're not going to enjoy it because the whole time you're out, you're going to be thinking about what you owe your dad. Yeah. So you're not even going to be making good memmies with your friends. Right. So what I would say is I have been a broke bitch the majority of my fucking life. Okay.

You are going to watch Netflix. You're going to buy some fucking popcorn from Target. You're going to get Frontera Wine, which is $7.99 at the local Bodeg. You are going to get one of the million fun card games, some cheap fucking, I think Skull Vodka is like, what, like $10. And you can watch Girls if you haven't seen it before. You can watch Girls.

There's a million other, you can even re-watch old shows with good, nasty, uncensored drama like Melrose Place or 90210 or fucking Dawson's. Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore is a good one. And if any of your friends don't want to fucking do that, knowing that something that was out of your control happened and you're in a tough spot, those aren't your fucking bitches. Period. But there's a lot of ways, there's a lot of ways for you to have fun on a fucking budget. You know? What's weed now? Like what?

30 bucks. Don't smoke it. But you know what I mean? There's a bunch of different ways to do that. Just sit, relax, get the, get some gummies. I mean like,

Bear gummies. Yeah. And have a great time. You know how fun it is doing shots and doing twister. You are not right. Just because your friends can go spend money. They probably don't even fucking have at a club doesn't mean that you're not going to have as much fun because right now you're in a spot where you have to think about the people that were there for you. Your dad was there for you. So it's the least thing that you owe him. And then imagine the relief when you pay it off.

That's going to be the best night of your fucking life, and I can't wait for you. Every day that you stay in and you have good, good old-fashioned drunk-at-home fun with your friends is another day to the best night of your fucking life is when you don't have to hear about it from your dad anymore. That part. Hannah, I wish you had answered, but I hope that advice helps. You know, call me back if we're still recording. Okay. I'm also going to shoot you a text right now just so you know it's me. Okay. Hi, Hannah. Was that good advice? It was amazing. You, like, give advice like it's your full-time job. I keep getting...

One of my best friends just told me she likes my ex-situationship. We were together for a year and she knows our history. Feeling like girl code was broken, but am I being dramatic? If you saw the way a man treated me and you would let a man get in between the way I trust you, then go for it. Go for it. But when he treats you like he treated me...

Don't call me. Right. Don't call me. I don't want to be your sister in arms about it. Right. And then...

I don't understand how you know someone fucked me and you can fuck them. Yeah, it's weird. I don't fucking get it. Yeah, it's weird. So girl code was broken. Girl code was broken. And I think you have a right to be mad. And if this person goes, gets with them, you better look at it and say, you better get fucking married. Yeah, you better get fucking married because then if this is the love of your life, you guys fall in love. You're like, this is my soulmate.

Absolutely, I'll be happy for you. But for you to even put the gamble me, have him. Right. Take him. Agreed. Agreed. Oh, she is? Hey, Hannah. Hey. I love you. I'm dead. We know. Wait, we know. We were just, Taffy was giving you advice about it. Yes. How many problems do you have? The one about you owing your dad 10K.

Well, here's Taffy for what... She's going to give you like a too long, didn't read version of what she's left. She's left you a more in-depth voicemail, but she's about to just... She's about to tell you what's good. Girl, stay your ass home, baby. Like, you owe your dad money, so like, you owe your dad money so you know, like, he's like rooting for you and he's not going to send you to like a fucking debt collector, but like...

Get a fucking Netflix subscription. Get some cheap tequila. Play Twister. Don't go out. You're going to have a bad time thinking about if your dad's going to find out that you owe him money and that you're still out. Don't fucking do it. And if your friends don't want to fucking stay home and watch TV with you and watch some fuckhead tell the camera, I'm going to talk to her on Love is Blind. They're not your fucking friends. Yeah.

Yeah. It's $10,000. You can have many a night in. Yeah. But like, but if nobody wants to fucking hang out with you, you DM me and I'll come fucking see you. I'll come fucking to have a girl's night with you. We'll watch, we'll watch a coyote ugly and crossroads and I'll interrupt every five minutes with facts. Don't you worry about it. Oh my gosh. Wait, this is actually the best day of my life. It is. Well, Hannah, I'm so happy that this made your day a little better. And I hope, wait,

Well, I love you. I'm going to text you for your address so we can send you some merch. I love you. For you to rock on all your nights in until you pay your dad back. Put your best pussy forward, baby. I love you, Hannah. I love you, Jake. Thank you. Tense off. Tense. That was amazing. She's with her friend. So I should stay home? Oh, honey. Yeah. Where are you going to drive to? Yeah. I can't.

Sweetie. Baby. She did not sound like she was staying in. Like she does not have the inflection of someone who is going to stay in. No, she's going to Bucky's tonight. Tonight. She's like, oh, so sweet that that's their advice. You know, she looked at her friends when you said that and was like, yeah, you bitches. Yeah. Stay in. And they were like, no. They're like the guy, a guy that I fucked last week is going out tonight. I have to go.

Like I remember that time perfectly. Oh, okay. We have one more. Okay. Talk to me. My mom. Oh my God. What a great one to end on. You're going to go buck wild with this. Okay. Let's go fucking crazy. My mom has been flirting with my boyfriend over the past few weeks. And when I tried to bring it up to my best friend the past few times we have hung out, she keeps trying to talk to me about how she is in love with my brother. I am so overwhelmed and don't know how to confront either of them. Help.

Okay. First of all, if your mom is not the person to put down boundaries, it's up to your boyfriend. Unfortunately, it's up to a kid's... Your mom is incredibly selfish to put a kid in that position. Yeah. Where they have to say, you're making me uncomfortable. You have to tell him that even if it costs you his relationship or closeness or freedom at your house or his relationship with your mom, like that...

what's it called like not that relationship but that not decorum but that um like a civil civil civilness yeah whatever if it costs you that good because it might cost you our relationship so pick yeah okay and two if your brother wants to her that's not that's not a problem if they have sex if you if you tell your best friend he is off limits then you have a problem if you haven't told her that and they have sex

You can't say anything. Yeah. So you have to say, I don't want you to hook up with my brother. If afterwards you find out that they fucked, you have to know one, they're adults and two, that person can't be trusted. I've hooked up with my friends, brothers before. There's never, ever been a moment where they didn't know. Right. Cause there, and I've never, there's never been anybody. I mean, I don't do it all the time, but please. Yeah. But it's never been a situation where, um,

You can't tell her or I can't talk to her about it or anything like that. It's always a situation of like, if you guys start dating, I'm going to have a real fucking issue. Right. And don't talk to me about it. Right. But if he's mean to you or disrespectful, talk to me about it. I'm a little bit older, though. Like, I'm trying to think about if it was my brother. You give really like wise advice.

Well, if it was my brother, I would say she's my friend because I love her and she's incredible. Like, of course, I want you to be around incredible people. Right. I'm just scared that it's going to affect my friendship with her. Right. So please, if it gets in the way, if you guys are going to a sour, toxic spot, please,

love me enough to end it with my friend or do it in a way where it's respectful because I want her in my life, but I can't tell you what to do. I, my brother's old, like I'm older, right? If I was younger, I think I would say it's too messy. And I talked to my friend about everything in my life. I don't want, you don't know my, I don't want, you don't know me like that. Like you're, you're my little brother. You're not my best friend. If it was my older brother, I,

I just don't think I would care that much about the brother part. If my mom was trying to put moves on my fucking boyfriend, I'd be like, you should be on a list, bitch. Yeah. The authorities stay right where you are. The authorities are on their way. So what would you prescribe? I don't even know what I would prescribe them. What I would prescribe is, I would prescribe like a mountain or like beach gaslighter.

getaway or like even a hometown staycation at like the local like hilton with your boyfriend where you have um an opportunity to like really talk about what's bothering you because it makes it sound like for you to say what should i do is crazy this man should know immediately like that's my girl you're a fucking creep and it's not worth the civility of it so i would sit down and be like

I love you and you're my partner and more than that, you're my teammate. So for her to disrespect you, for her to disrespect me that way is that she doesn't really give a fuck about you either. If she treats a person that came out of her like they don't give a fuck, I would hate to be her enemy. Right. You know what I mean? So imagine how she feels about you. Right. She doesn't give a fuck about you. You are just ego booster because my mom is going through something and lobotomies are illegal now. Yeah. So I would say...

When people see you, they should be fearful to disrespect me. And that's something going on in my house. And I'm giving you permission to say, stop making me uncomfortable. Yeah. And my brother and my friend, if they fuck, that's on my sister. I mean, that's on my friend. If she wants to make it messy with me, that's on her. But like they're adults and I hope nothing, it doesn't ruin our friendship. But if it does, it's on them. Yeah.

So I prescribe a staycation, lots of nasty, disgusting, bonding sex and conversations. Mic drop. Period. That was amazing. I've never had so little to say just because I've been listening to someone so much. That's much. I have nothing else to say. I'm trying to think if anything. You mic drop everything. You say something and it's, oh, am I wrong? There were so many points in that where I was going to play. Yeah.

I just don't want anybody to disrespect you in a way where you could ever say, I never gave you the chance to show me your humanity first.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I gave you the chance to come to me as a person. I saw you, your flaws, and you still disrespected me. So go around there. If you want to be in the streets, go for it. It's raining. Yeah. It's cold out there. Yeah. You know? That's it. Oh, well, what did we learn today? I can tell you I learned that I've avoided attachment style. Oh, me too. That's what I learned. And I feel like, I'm like, did you learn anything? I feel like you taught. I learned that

I learned today that people's problems, because I'm older...

that we're going to be laughing about this in a year. Yeah. That's what I learned. Like, this is like the stories that our problems are when we're younger. These are stories you're going to be telling your friends at a work happy hour. Yeah. And you're going to be like, and then guess what? After I did that for him, he shit himself drunk. I showered him. Guess who I found out he's fucking? Sarah. Yeah. Like, that's going to be hilarious. So I hope that when people submit their problems, they know that this is...

This is so tiny. Like, you're going to learn. You're going to find your people. You're going to find your way in life. Like, these money issues, whatever. They're just, there are things for you to go through. So when you have kids, you can be like, baby. Right. Please. Yeah. So I think that's something I learned. Today. Well, what was the surprise you had for me? Oh, I wanted to write a poem. Oh my God, I would love to. And I had the first line. Okay, okay.

Okay. And I was like, I want to post it on my Instagram too. Okay. I'm going to start writing. Are you ready? Okay. I have the first line. Okay. You go first. I'm really hungry at this awards show. I looked at Jake last night.

And he's pale. And he's also walking so funny. He's like hobbling. And he's like, I sit up all night at this club. And they told me they'd stay open for another hour. If I bought a bottle and they charged me, they brought me the bottle, the sparklers. They made me dance. And then they said, lights are on. Get the fuck out. It was actually insane. And then I was like, really? And you said, I'm so hungry. And I look at your face. I'm like, oh, he's so hungry.

He's so hungry. So I was like, I'm at this award show really hungry. Okay, that's your line. I'm hungry at this award show. I'm hungry at this award show. I'm hungry at this award show. Where is there humanity? It must be as big as these bites. No, no, no, no, no. I think we need to rhyme with show. Show, okay. So I don't know how this will go. I don't know how this will go.

I'm sacrificing my vanity. I'm good at poems. Period! And what are we calling it? Who chose me. Who chose me. And with that, we leave you. Teffy, thank you for being here. This was actually so fucking fun. I love you so much. Goodbye, pussies. We love you, Zendaya! We love you, Zendaya!

Hi, pussies. Put your tents up. Put your tents up. Tents up. Smart cookies.