Session 18: Brittany Broski
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Hi, pussies, and welcome back to Therapist. And what a weekend we have had, okay? Taylor Swift has released her new album, her 11th studio album, The Tortured Poets Department, the anthology out everywhere now. I don't even have to tell you that because you know it's out everywhere now. But with me to kind of dissect our first feelings about it is one of my best friends and marathon runner extraordinaire, Brett. Hi, Brett. Hi.

Okay, so Taylor Swift albums are very special to us. Yes. We have very specific rituals while listening to her new album. How are you feeling? What are your faves? What are your thoughts? I mean, it's like so insane because there are so many songs. It's a lot of songs. 31 songs. 31. It's insane. It's insane.

I am really just like fully getting into like the digesting process, specifically of the anthology tracks too. Like the Prophecy and the Bolter. Yeah. See, like you didn't. Oh my God. I love how every day with the Taylor Swift album, like we have different songs we like. Exactly. And I think this comes to my point. A lot of people on TikTok are being kind of mean about the album or they're just like, and I think it goes to show that as a society, we can't digest music anymore. Like we listen to it. And if we don't,

deem it for us, then okay, it's off and we're done. And it's a flop. But that's so far from the truth. And I think that discourse has been frustrating, at least for me to see. I agree. And I just hate that people are like, some people are saying it's not good or not cohesive. Yeah, because respectfully, Taylor Swift wouldn't put out a bad album. She wouldn't put out a bad album. Ever. Ever.

Ever. And that's what we said when we were like, when we were hearing about the leaks and some people were saying like, oh, look, it's like Taylor would not put out a bad album. Right. And also I think my issue with it is like, it's what Monday. And there are songs that I'm like listening to and digesting today. I'm like understanding today that I didn't understand yesterday or Thursday night when it came out. And like, it's like, so how could you put up something Friday morning being like,

I hate it when it has taken a fucking Swifty six days to digest the track. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No, I know. It is frustrating, but some people just don't understand like us. Yeah, they don't. And it's not everyone's cup of tea, which is fine. Which is fine. But don't yell it in my ear. Yeah. I don't want to. I don't care. I saw a tweet and it was like, I don't see anyone else talking so much about artists they don't like unless it's Taylor Swift. No, I agree. What's your favorite right now? My favorite right now.

Okay, so yesterday was the manuscript. Today, my favorite is But Daddy, I Love Him, just because I really like how she's, like, yelling at, like, people that, like, say they want the best for her. I know. But, like, really, they're just, I'm like, oh, wow. I've, like, never seen Taylor kind of, like,

Shit on the general public like that before. Yeah. I noticed that lyric when I was running today. I screamed it in the shower today. I heard you playing it. I was like, ah! It really hit today. Also, can we talk about... Okay, so obviously The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived is one of my favorites. I know it's going to go down as one of my all-time Swift songs.

So who do you think it's about? Because are people saying it's about Maddie? I'm confused. People are saying it's about Maddie. Right. Here's what I'm confused about. Like, it sounds a lot more like it sounds like Joe. I like I feel like it's probably Joe. I just I can't wrap my head around the fact that so many songs are like allegedly about Maddie Healy. Yeah.

I think it's because like she that's what at the time she was recording it. Let me just read you a lyric off of the smallest man who ever lived, which is I was like I was gagged as fuck when I read it. I need to I need to listen that one more. I listen to it like a decent amount. But she says I almost sent it in our group chat today and then I just got distracted by literally listening to it. Also, Fortnite. I'm hyper fixated on right now.

Oh, I love it. Okay. Cause I didn't see that one. Like you were sent by someone. She said, um, in your Jehovah's witness suit. Oh yeah. What is a Jehovah's witness suit?

I think. Is that like the shit he wears on stage? Yeah. Got it. Yeah. Got it. Okay. So it is about Maddie. I fear. Because I thought it was about Joe at first and I was like, oh, okay. You want to know what I thought of? Because she said, you messaged my friends for pills and they ghosted you. It made me think of that dinner she had with like Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds and like someone else. And then they all unfollowed Joe after. Oh my God. So true. It's like, oh, did they sit down and were they like, uh.

uh taylor joe was like messaging me for pills and she was like i'm over it unfollow him we're done i mean that'd be crazy that's like what's my first thought but then the jehovah's witness suit i was like oh that's maddie that's like my favorites off the taylor album right now i really i think i've discovered with this taylor album is a lot of my consumption of it i like to be alone yeah i like to be alone and i like to listen to it alone because it's

It is so personal. I agree. Like it is so personal. Like my thoughts that I'm thinking, I literally sometimes don't even feel comfortable thinking them in front of other people. It's not to be dramatic, but do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. I do. Oh my God. Oh my God.

like, sometimes you just come to those moments when you're alone. Like when I was driving alone on Saturday morning, I was playing guilty as sin and I hadn't felt like I'd listened to the lyrics, but not like fully. And then I was listening to them again and I was like, Oh my God. Yeah. And now it's one of my favorites because I've been listening, but it like took me like driving alone, you know? Right. I,

I wonder if she's going to perform any of this on tour. It's 31 new songs. I think she'll do surprise songs. You don't think any of it's going to change? I don't either. No, I never thought that. I thought that it was insane that you guys were thinking that, I fear. Right. Like...

If she adds, and I'm saying this to the pussies too, if she adds a section to the Heiress Tour for Tortured Poets, I don't know what I'll do because I'm not 100%. I don't think she's going to. I don't think she will either just because the Heiress Tour is so...

so put in place as to what it is. Yeah. The only thing that it's almost like that is a part of her life and this is a new part of her life. Also, sorry not to go back, but in The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, she said was, I,

I just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal, which makes me think it was Maddie Healy. Because this summer. Yeah. Because it was this summer. I wonder what happened. I wonder what happened too. But you know what I love though about Taylor Swift albums is that at the end of the day, I don't know if it really matters what happened. Because like. It doesn't. The lyrics are. Because I love how she says, this was mine. It's now yours. Yeah. Like do with it what you will. Yeah. Yeah.

Sick. I love her. I love her. We're so lucky. We're so lucky. Like she really said like 31 new songs. And it's like going to soundtrack my life for the next few months. I'm not listening to anything else. I haven't listened to anything else. Me either. And I won't for so long. For so long. Yeah. The only song I actually keep going back to is We Can't Be Friends by Ariana Grande. Yeah, you love that song. I do love that song. I went through such a big...

what was that album called? Eternal Sunshine phase. Like right after it came out for like two weeks. I still like it, but like I don't listen anymore. Now it's Taylor time. It's just Taylor time.

I just need more moments alone with it so I can keep dissecting it. I was writing my essay that I have to write today and I was listening to it in the background and nothing inspires me like Taylor Swift does. That's amazing. But yeah, overall, amazing album. I'm so happy. And I need everyone to shut the fuck up. Me too. Okay, before you go, I want your top three off the album. Okay. Right now. Right now. Because that's always changing. I'll give you mine after. Okay. One is Who's Afraid of Little Old Me. Two is...

I think it's Guilty as Sin right now. Yeah, you love Guilty as Sin. Three, I Can Do It With a Broken Heart. But a really close four is My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys. Okay, you love that one. Oh, wait, and Down Bad. I don't know. It's so hard. I think I'm liking the slower ones right now. So I would say, let me go look, make sure that these are my top three. If I had to listen to three songs today, I really like Clara Bow.

I really like Clara Bow. Yesterday it was the manuscript, but today I think I'm really, really into the Tortured Poets Department. Yeah, it's the tour. It is really good. I really like that. It's like one of my favorite title tracks she's ever done. It is really good. Like,

is sick. It's sick. The way she says the tortured poets department like scratches my brain. So what was, what was the one I said? It was a manuscript. No, it was Clara bow. So my top three today are Clara bow, the tortured poets department and fortnight. Those are my top three today. Sick. Well, pussies, that's Brett.

Yay! Love you, B. Thanks for doing this. Today's guest is also someone that is very important to me and that makes me laugh very, very hard. She goes by the name of Brittany Broski. She is fucking hysterical. I don't know if she really needs an introduction at all. I feel like most of you guys know who she is. She's incredible. She made me laugh so, so hard this episode. And I'm so excited for you guys to see it.

As always, submit Tell Me What's Wrong to PassThatPuss.com and leave your name and number if you're feeling funny. I would love to give you a call. And yeah, enjoy the episode. I love you, pussies. Wait, can I just say – wait, are we going? Yeah, we're going. Can I just say – I'm going to go ahead and put on D&D out of respect for the viewers and the fans. Oh, okay. The Jonas Brothers trip. The Jonas Brothers trip! That was talked about!

And by the way, I was, I am such a big fan, but I met you and you were so nice. And I, oh, and I said, oh my God, if anything ever happens and I'm able to be in the same position or a similar position, I'm going to be just as nice to everyone as Brittany was to me. It's true. You're so lovely. That was so long ago. It was a year ago. A little over a year ago. That trip was a fucking fever dream. First of all. Yeah. Cause what was happening?

I don't know. Okay, so have you talked about this before? Yeah, I actually just talked about this trip with Larry. This literally, because who did you come with? I was on Larry's management team. That's fucking crazy. And I took him to Vegas. Oh my God. Yeah. Because I remember meeting you and you were so funny, but I was like, you were kind of quiet too. I was because I was working. Period? Yeah. Absolutely no laughing on work. I was like, I was working and I was scared because I have this thing where I tend to make everything about myself. Yeah.

Like, I can't control it. You can't help it. I can't help it. And Larry was the client, and my boss was like, don't do it. Don't fucking do it. I know you. You're going to. And I was like, okay. So that's why it was quiet. That's so like, girl, if you're supposed to be in the spotlight, be in the spotlight. Yeah. And then a week later, this happened. That's wild. Isn't that wild? I need to spit my gum out. Oh, you can do whatever you want. I thought about swallowing it, and I was like, if I started choking, that wouldn't...

Sorry, I'll pick that up. The first thing I need to ask you about. Yes! You know what it is. Go ahead. Beyonce. What about it? Blacked out. That wasn't me. Like, what did she smell like? Oh my God. Did you touch her skin? Okay, so, yes. Is her skin so soft? I do look older than Beyonce. Shut up. She, in person, like, skin is glass, body tea. Like, it is...

everything you see on the internet or on stage is real. Like it's not, she looks so youthful and so just happy. And the whole thing was like, she was so grateful to everyone that came. First of all, like why was I invited? Second of all, like to launch a brand like that, that just makes so much sense with her larger brand and to have, it's like a matriarchal family thing, you know, like, cause she grew up singing in Miss Tina Salon. Yes.

Blue Ivy obviously is on stage with her. So it's like this sort of generational thing that she did with her family. And it was so beautiful. And they take us into this room. Did you think you were going to meet her? No, bitch! Play out!

literally on the way out like she came and kind of gave a little speech and then they did like a hair show kind of like ballroom type hair show and then it was pissing rain this was like two weeks ago and I was like because Beyonce left and I was like let's get the fuck out of here girl like I have to be up early the next morning right and so we left we were on the way out

and someone grabs Drew, I was with Drew F. Waller, someone grabs her arm and goes, "You two come with me." And I said, "Oh, we're getting kicked out, surely." Like I knew, I was like, I already know. - Did Drew think like we're meeting Beyonce? - No, but Drew and Alicia, if you know, at least from Remy and Alicia, they were ambassadors for this haircare brand before it was even announced. - Okay, that's sick. - So Drew, when her arm got kind of like touched, like, "Hey, y'all come back here."

I was thinking, oh, I'm getting kicked out assuredly. But Drew, maybe she has to like go film something. It was like a curtain and then another curtain. And then they took us behind. And then we're waiting in a line. And I was like, there's no way. And then Taraji P. Henson walks out. And then Gabrielle Union walks out. And I was like, we're meeting Beyonce. There's no fucking way, dude. And then sure enough, we're in a line. And then it's like literally Secret Service like headgear. And they're like, four more? Okay.

literally like that and then we all come in and then she's just right there and I literally did the Harry Styles like turned around like hand up I could not you have to run because like I Beyonce is like an ethereal like what like if I saw her I'd be like how are you real no that's literally was my reaction but it's like oh my god she's actually right there and she's looking at you and saying hi I like your outfit actually blow the building up so sorry it was did you cry I would have cried I cried

Immediately. I tried to hold it in, but like, bitch, you Swifty. Yeah. Beehive. Like it's literally. No, it's, it's a. It's a clinical. It's a clinical addiction. Yes, it is. It's like someone, Brooke actually, you know, Brooke Averick. Of course. Asked me the other day. She's like, would you ever want to be in the same room? Yes. Yes. So you could do it. Oh yes. Okay. And I would, I would fall to the floor. Yes. I would fall to the floor. Flatline. Because like.

partly like we are who we are because of the people we're obsessed with. 100%. Do you know what I mean? They inform literally like your personality and kind of how you see the world. Like, I mean like 50% of my day is talking about what I'm obsessed with. And mine isn't. Yeah. Like, so what am I supposed to do? I wonder what Beyonce's obsessed with. Oh my God. Couldn't tell you. Couldn't tell you. I tried to think about it for a second. I was like, there's probably, I just, to have such a legacy and like career behind you and then still be like,

I want to meet the people who are supporting my brand. You know, it's like, it just, honestly, that made me cry too. Cause it's like,

She's done so much. She's been through so much. She's had so much thrown at her. And to still be humble enough to be like, I want to meet my fans. Because she doesn't do meet and greets, girl. No. It's always like, this is truly batshit. I cried immediately. We sobbed the entire ride home. Like, it was truly unreal. She cried when she got home. She was like shell shocked. She was stunned into silence. Beyonce low-key has been through it. I mean, do you remember she had to fire her dad as her manager? Yes, of course.

Like. It's not. It's the racism on top of that too. Yes. Like being a successful black woman. It's like that level of hatred and just vitriol that was thrown at her is like. And to go through all that and still be on top is like. It's she so. And it took her so long to get the real flowers she deserves. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Yes. Oh my God. She's fucking amazing dude. Yeah. It was. It was like flatline collapse. I.

I don't know what I would do if I saw Beyonce. What would you do if you saw? Well, I guess we just talked about Taylor. I'd fall to the floor. Could you have a conversation with Taylor and have the sort of like, here's what you mean to me sort of speech? I mean, I gave that speech to Brooke the other day, but I don't know if it would come out. I think because I'm so like, for example, I did Pilates the other day. Justin Bieber was in my Pilates class. Hey, so can I ask really quick? I'll stop you right there.

Why are we doing Pilates with Glenn Powell? Where did that come from? Right. Can I just ask? So I... That's just a quick question. No, no, no. For sure. So I do Pilates at the Alo Gym. Okay. I actually was just there. I just worked out there. Love. And...

Glenn just happened to be in like, like, like I, Tate and I wanted to go at 9am one day and Glenn wanted to go the same day. And then we all did it together. Had you met him before? No, never. Wait. What the fuck? Wait. Like, were you familiar? I think I had met him in passing. Okay. I've been like, hi, cause he works out there at the same time. Okay. That's Glenn Powell. Yeah.

then we worked out together and got really got along and then we were like Pilates crew and that's where that was born. So who started talking to who? You were with Tate? Yeah. And so Tate like you know she's pop star girl like everyone like you want to talk to her and then it's like I'm like hi! Hello! Like she was talking to Carol G the other day and I was like hi Carol!

Literally. Stupid. No, but we and then we just started working out together. And then Glenn has kind of become so crazy to say this, like mentor to me in the acting space where he'll like send me videos to watch. Like I'll ask him. He'll tell me how to read a script. Like it's crazy. You are living a Sims life. No, I know. I know. And like the Glenn Powell of it all really made me realize that.

I literally was like, this has to be like a paid sponsorship or like a why it's promo for a movie. No bitch, y'all are friends. - Yeah, we're like actually, we talk all the time. - I'm obsessed with that. - He's the nicest guy ever. - Oh, I believe you. - Yeah, it's so nice. - Oh my God, wait, I met him at Sundance. I interviewed him. He was so like, actually like relaxed. - I saw that. You crushed those interviews. - I was so nervous, girl. Thank you so much. - No, you crushed those. I remember seeing like you doing them and being like, oh, that's so cool that she's doing that.

Who else did you interview that was so sick? Fucking Pedro. Yes. Oh, he's so hot. It was horrible. Wait, really? For me. I love them so much. You know, like, I love them so much. Seeing them in real life is like, ugh. I know. It's crazy. No, I can't deal with it. It's crazy to see. Like, I saw Eva Longoria in person, and I was a big Desperate Housewives fan. Mm-hmm.

I was like, I can't believe I'm seeing you right now. Yeah. It's like, so I get so shell shocked. No, me too. And it's like, you want to be cool and you want to be like, I work here too. But it's so not, when you're a fangirl at heart, bitch, it's so hard. That's who I am to my fucking core. Yes. I'm a fangirl. Yes. And it's, it's so, I don't think people who aren't fangirls don't understand how much fun being a fangirl is. Cause when they feed you, bitch, they fucking feed you. It is a,

a type of high that I don't even think heroin could come close to. No. Like, I've truly thought about it. Speaking of heroin, I got an IV the other day. Actually, you can see. See? No, I don't, but I believe you. Oh, it's bruised. It's bruised. Okay. Broken and bruised. And they were like, we're giving you a bit of magnesium. You might feel a little loopy. And I was like, whoa. Was this just like a... And I was like, why did you just give me heroin? Oh.

It's just like vitamin B. Yeah, and I was like, well, and someone came in and I was like, what's up? Tweaking off the magnesium. They were like, what's wrong with you? I'm like, magnesium.

M. I'm on M. And you know sometimes like I don't drink water. If I really, this is the most LA thing about me. If I'm like, fuck, I'm so dehydrated. Instead of drinking water, I'll get an IV. You need to be studied. That's really concerning. I know because I'm like, it'll dehydrate me. Mama, just get a Stanley. I know and then I can watch TV. As I do it, I was watching Narcos the other day with my IV girl. I love Narcos!

Have you seen Narcos Mexico? No, I've heard it's great. Get into it, bitch. I know I'm almost done with Narcos because I was watching Narcos and then I was like, fuck, I have to watch one day. So then I paused it to watch one day. And then I just watched Now You See Me because Dave Franco is so hot. That's an old movie. It's like 2008 or something like that. Yeah, it's good. It's just like, I don't know if I believe it. Is that the magician movie? Is it Jesse Eisenberg in it too? Yes. Do you think he's hot? I think he smells like coffee. Yeah.

into that you know what i mean yeah i'm into that like he smells like coffee at 5 p.m okay so stale kind of like he's like an english teacher i'm so horny for that though yeah i used to well no no about to say something illegal i used to want to fuck one of my teachers but he wasn't the english teacher oh we all had that no i was addicted to him addicted to him i used to look at him and like fantasize

Was it? I fantasize about you. Do you see her get so mad about that? So mad. I'm upset. First of all, can I just say, I love Ariana Grande. Love. Die for her. I literally love her so much. But these interview clips have been having me like, why are people so mean to her? She literally, I saw a clip of her meeting a fan the other day and she's like, you guys are kind of mean to me. No, they are. They really are. That's hilarious.

Wait, us dwarfers? Why do you guys hate us? Yeah, she was like, they were like, what, you remember your album cover? And she looked at them and was like, yeah, you guys really bullied me over that. And I was like, gagged. I'm gagged. No, I love her. I love her to death. I love her. I'm excited for that album. Oh my God, it's this week. Oh my God, it is. We're about to get fed like no other. What is Beyonce's? March 29th. And you know she's going to do rock for the next one. I've heard it's either rock or rap.

And if it's either, bitch, fed. I'm there for either. Fed. Fed. But I never, have I heard Beyonce do rock before? Yes. What has she done? She's done rock before. Could you say, well, I guess one plus one isn't rock, but it kind of feels like slow rock a little bit. No, that's more like a ballad. I mean, some of like four. Oh, that's my favorite album by her. Yeah, or...

Sasha Fierce, a lot of it is live. She does live rock sort of covers. She did a cover of Alanis Morissette. Yes. Oh my God. And she mixes it into her set list and it's so well done. There's nothing like a Beyonce mashup on when she... I mean, I just remember like...

She did this fucking break into Countdown. I think it was on her On the Run tour. I forget what it was. I just remember it changed the trajectory of my life. Yes. No, the transitions go fucking crazy. There was one when it's the dance break that I'm obsessed with. Yeah, it's the dance break. What's your favorite dance break? Everybody Mad. Yeah, same. And that's so like, oh, you watched Beachella? Yeah, bitch, and it changed me. Yeah.

Shit goes crazy. Beachella is crazy. It's truly like the world stopped. And I mean that so seriously. It's because like, wait, Beyonce did Coachella. Can you imagine? When was the first time you went to Coachella? I was, it was my freshman year of college. Oh shit. Okay. Are you, you're from California? No, I'm from New York. What the, so you flew out here girl? Yes. I moved out here. I've been here for six years. How old are you? 20. 26. Oh, what? I mean, we're both 19. Yeah, we're both 19. Okay.

And you're from Texas, though. I'm from Texas. Okay. Yeah. That's where I got mixed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I walked in and I was like, so how was the flight from Texas? She's like, you mean my living room? Well, I actually drove 40 minutes here. Where do you live? Oh, I guess. You know what? That's a conversation for after this podcast. Can we mute and blur? Oh, by the way, I need to introduce you to Cassandra. Hello. Oh, she says hi. She says, hi, Brittany. I'm so excited to meet you. I've heard so much about you. Is this her non-binary partner down here? Yes. This is Aquarapus.

Because Alexander 23, who is an Aquarius named them. And now who is this baby stim toy down here? Oh, God. You know, that's hideaway puss. But we can bring. You know what? What are those called? These are mood pusses. So you can like switch them in and out. I only know those because of Trisha Paytas. Really? Yeah. But I didn't know what their brand is. No, they're mood pusses. Do you want to name them? Like the two alters? No, it's that's one person. It's just a mood. Oh, it's just moods.

This is probably, this is horny. Okay. Like inside out though. And this is yearning.

Horny and yearning. Because they're two sides of the same coin. And it's blue. And it's blue. Because it's melancholy. Oh my God, she's sad. Yeah, yearning. Because horny is kind of like, oh, I'm excited. Yearning is like, I'm going to kill myself. Should it be hornpuss? Hornpuss. That's good. Or what's a word for when you have a sex drive? Libido. Puss-bido. Yeah, libido. We'll come back to you on this one, you guys. We will workshop this.

up this. Well, I've been meaning to ask you. Please, just go ahead. What are you therapist about today? Or this week? I guess it's Monday. Like, is it so fucking horrible if I want to talk about a man? No! Please! I'm sorry. Please! Okay. We're gonna get real for a minute, okay? Do it. I know that's kind of the point of this pod.

I don't know if you've had this experience. I probably have. It sounds bad. That's what I probably have. Trust I have. Since kind of all this has happened to you, there is a difference in the way people treat you. Yes. And I'll even bring up the Jonas Brothers trip again. Like I'm sure there were people on that trip that you met that did not even say hello to you, did not even ask for your name and now they want to be your bestie. Yes.

I have been through that so many times. Are you reading my mind? Because that actually did happen. Girl, I'm literally like, I could have predicted that because when I saw you blowing up, I was like, that's Jake from the Jonas Brothers trip. I fucking wonder, you know, because people only give a shit. When you have something to offer them. If they have something to gain. Yes. Absolutely. My experience is that with regards to straight men. Okay. Let me explain what I mean by that.

I have what some would call a Victorian woman face. It's very, like, I think there's a difference of, like, this is Instagram baddie kind of face and beauty. And then, like, this is a sort of divine feminine beauty. And my followers I'm so thankful for, they're so kind to me of, like, you know, you're beautiful in, like, this sort of way. Like, I've always been a plus size woman. I've always kind of had. Oh, my pluses are, like, you need a B cup. Wait!

When your friend texted you. Oh, hey, nipple boy. Yeah, that was a straight man. You know. That's my friend's boyfriend, actually. Thanks, John. Thank you, John. Hello to John. Holy shit, by the way. Second of all, you don't need a B cup. I put on a bra the other day. I'll show you a photo. It's more like an A cup. Yeah. I think it was a B. It was a training bra? Yeah, it was. That's really special. I wore it. Oh, my God. And then I sat down and I was like, is this too far? And someone was like, just a little. Oh, my God.

It's like one of those lace TikTok shop ones. It's like team you. Wait, sorry. I keep interrupting you. Continue. No, I've never had a chamoy pickle. I know that's what you're going to ask me. Okay. So I know that also just like from being in the world long enough that there is a difference from how women and the queer community approaches like what is beautiful versus what a straight man approaches as beautiful. Knowing all this, whatever, growing up the way that I did, I've always been the funny friend, whatever.

I am now getting attention from straight men that cannot be trusted. And I, part of my whole brand online is like being horny and yearning and whatever, but it's kind of a joke, but it's also kind of not, but that's a very relatable thing, you know, like unrequited love and whatever, really loving something and it just not being returned, whatever. Have been through this scenario so many times where like,

I'll make a post about a guy or I'll reference something and then they will see it because people tag them and then they reach out to me. And then I'm thinking they want me so bad. Like genuinely they've never wanted anything more other than me. Like I'm a fucking vixen. Not the case. It's truly like they see the check mark. They see the millions and they're like, I'm fucking tapped in. Right.

We start talking. It's flirty because of course it is, you know, like they're locked in. But here's my question. What the fuck do you think you're going to get from me? Right. That's my question. Like, that's what I thought too until I went on a date with this guy that I've been talking to for a year. We met in person. I was like, this is my person. I met his sister by accident on a night out. So you know the family? Yeah. She was like, he's from...

I don't really mind airing his shit out because we went on a date and we were one drink in. I'm going to call it a date because that's what it was fucking advertised as. It is. It is. And he told me one drink in. I'm like, da, da, da, da. And then we're on this date. And he goes, oh, this is not a date. He was like, I don't want to hook up with you. And I was like. He said that to your Christian face. Yes. I killed myself right there. I was like, oh, oh, okay. That's crazy. And I was like, oh.

Okay. And then he pitched to be the producer of my podcast. And he's here right now. Yeah.

Hold on. Hold on. So. And before that, I was like, sorry. I was like, I don't care. I was like, I'm so desperate for fucking dick that I don't care what they want. Like, just if they want me, that's good enough. Yeah. No, no, no. After that, I was like, that is not it. So were y'all like flirting before that? DMs, texts. We met in person twice. And it was like flirty vibe. Yeah. Yes. What?

Or are we just delusional? No, but he said like hot to me when I was like, I'm in denim on denim from the show that I was at. Like I need to change. And he was like hot. And I was like, you can't say that to me. You cannot say that to me. I will eat it like it's fucking candy. Yeah. And he's like, I'm sorry if I led you on. I'm like, well, you did. And then the check came and I put my card down. He goes, thank you.

I would have been like, I'm going to the bathroom. He can fucking pay. Yeah. Like what? It was crazy. I've been through that so many times. I'm not even joking where it's like, I am fully like, we're interested in each other. Yeah. And they're like, oh, I was kidding. But it's,

Right, right, right, right, right. But it's like, oh, okay, you were kidding. Great. So I'm going to unpack this for five more years. I'm going to go on Theropost and talk about it in front of millions of people. And at first I was like, should I talk about it? And then I was like, yeah, I'm going to. Because it was horrible. And now every guy I talk to, I'm like, does he think this is a date? And it's so hard in the gay world. Oh my God. Because the guy, okay, because when you're going on a date with a guy and you're a girl and you're like, okay, like a straight guy or whatever, you're like assuming like,

This is, we're on a date. But the gay world, they can easily just be like, wait, I just, we're just friends. It's such an easy cop out. It's also like, I don't understand in gay,

gay man culture, what constitutes like, oh, this is boyfriend material. You know? Because I, especially in this fucking city, bitch, everyone just wants to fuck and like move on. And it's, oh, that's my best friend. But they're sucking each other. Yep. It's wild. How do you ever know if someone's romantically interested? You don't. It's very that with like, it's so hard for me to approach it because I think it's also this dynamic of like,

There is success in this space. Yeah. For us, we've, for some reason, struck gold with, like, what we're doing and there's a, you know, a job to be done here. I think that people are intimidated by that regardless, but especially men because, and I'm going to speak for my straight men, where it's like they have to be the provider, the protector. There's, like, a sort of innate whatever biological... But...

What am I supposed to do? Because this is the thing I used to talk about with my therapist before I fired her. Oh, I just ghost them. No, but she was an enabler. Really? Why'd you ghost her? Mine was TikTok famous. That is so rotten. And I was like, wait, who the fuck recommended her to me? And she's talking to me. The only thing she told me to do was actually, I wonder if it'll go off during the session. There's an alarm that goes off every day at noon telling me to breathe.

And 6 p.m. That's the only thing that she ever told me to do. And then every day it goes off and all my friends go, breathe, girl. And you're like, yeah, I turned it off the other day and they were like, girl, turn that shit back on. You better breathe. That's so funny. I have $300 an hour. I would cancel two out of the four times a month.

My God. She robbed you, girl. She robbed me. And then she'd be like, you can text me. She was like, you can, the reason you're paying so much is because you can text me whenever. And I would text her and it would be fucking green. I was like, do you have a, I was like, what the fuck? iPhone. Business fucking iPhone. My new therapist. I text her. It's fucking blue. I send her my outfit. She's like, girl, you look so cute. Love, love, love, love. No, that old therapist. She said she's on Mint Mobile, girl. Yeah. Like, wow.

$5,000 was getting her a new iPhone 14. And I would try to send her a photo. It would be like unable to receive it. Greeny bitch. It's not going to send. God. Mine was not that. I'm actually obsessed with why is the first thing. And I understand it's a good tactic. But like the first thing is, okay, have you considered breathing? Yeah. Yeah, bitch. Mine gave me the hot soup bowl method. What the fuck is that? So you're actually going to cup your hands like you're holding a bowl of soup. Okay. And you're going to...

That's it. I don't hate that. I don't hate that. It kind of gives, but... But it makes my hands feel hot. No, it makes me like... This is so niche, sorry. That scene from Kung Fu Panda. Do you... I've never seen Kung Fu Panda before.

Please. That scene from Kung Fu Panda where they are training Jack Black's panda and he's trying to like balance or whatever and the guy keeps smacking him with a stick. Like that's how I feel like she's like breathe on the soup and I'm like I'm breathing on the soup and then I like spill the soup on myself. It's like I will continue. Ow! Ow! Fuck! I'm mad at her. Do you want to know what my therapist's name was? I'm going to bleep this out but you're going to die. Please tell me.

Okay, in that vein, because here's the, okay, back to the sort of unrequited love. Is this a date? No, it's never a date sort of thing. Yeah. Delusional for entertaining these men. Because like it's clear what they want. You know what I mean?

And like when they DM me, when inevitably I get that fucking follow back or whatever, it's like I'll talk to them because I like attention. Me too. Who doesn't? Who doesn't? But like at what point is it like, okay, what are we doing, girl? It's very clear what their intentions are. And when is it too late to pull back? Right. That's how I feel too. But the only reason we feel that way is because –

It's just unfair because it's like, okay, well, this guy could want us. But like, based on past experiences, I don't think he does. Yeah. Odds are. I don't think he does. Also, the way that the communication comes about. Yeah. That's not like. Do people ever swipe up? Like when people like me on Hinge, they'll be like, tense up.

I'm not on dating apps. Oh, I'm on every, guess how much money I spent on dating apps this weekend? This weekend? $40. Well, can I just go ahead and level with you? I did a brand deal with a dating app and they did not gift me premium. I bought it. $34.99. Yeah. $34.99 for one month. That's crazy. That's crazy. Put myself in Dublin, Ireland. Yeah, I did. Okay, travel mode. I always say I want an Irish man. I want a London boy.

Galway girl. Galway fucking girl. Girl. I need an Irishman so bad I could literally. I need Paul Mescal. I'm just going to be honest. Did you watch his chicken shop date? No. Don't. It'll ruin you. I just watched All of Us Strangers though. Never seen it.

Am I going to gag and die and shit? My issue was with it. It was amazing. Like, I think I gave it five stars on Letterboxd just to be like, hi, I agree. It was like, you got to read everyone else's reviews. Yeah. Okay. You're five stars. Five stars. Great. Five stars. And I agree. And I agree. I agree with you.

I called my mom to explain it after and she's like, this is it. And so when I look back at it with her, what she was explaining it as, I was like, okay, that's the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. I'm Paul Mescal is the hottest motherfucker I've ever seen in my life. Which it's hot in such a like white dude way. Yeah. He looks like it's in the same sort of cinematic universe as Mr. Tumnus, Jack Harlow. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. It's a great comparison. But like, cause it's like, are you? Yeah. Right. You could be. Have you seen normal people? No.

I saw it during COVID and I forget what happens, but I think I need to watch it again because I remember looking at the girl being like. If you think about it, that's me. That's me. No, I need to see it so bad because I literally, Paul Miskell was on my radar from like, used to be engaged to Phoebe Bridgers. Oh my God, they were engaged? Doesn't that feel crazy? It's like when Shawn Mendes dated Hailey Bieber. Did not know that happened. Oh my God, no, it was a moment in fucking time. They went to the Met Gala together. Have you seen?

those recent fardors of Shawn Mendes? Yeah, with the toothpick? Don't get me started. Because if my libido wasn't down because of my meds, I would not be in this room right now. I'm gonna stay on this.

If my libido wasn't shot because of my Lexapro. Oh my God, he is so fine. It's horrible. It's horrible. I'm like, why do you look this good? I know. Sorry, that was a tangent. Paul Meskel and Andrew Scott, the fucking press they've been doing for whatever that movie is that they're in. All of Us Strangers.

- Oh, it's the one with they're gay. - Louise, can we confirm? - Yeah, all of us strangers. - All of us strangers? Yes. Was it so sad? - It was horribly sad. - Okay, that makes sense 'cause that's what the comments have been saying 'cause I was like, they are having so much fun together on these like promo. - That's my dream by the way, to like film a movie and then be kiki'ing with my actor partner on a press tour. - Yep, co-star. - Like Timothy and Zendaya right now. - Oh my God, or no, Timmy and Austin Butler are like. - Yep.

Besties for the rest of you. And Florence Pugh. And Mrs. Florence, of course. Have you seen Doom Part 2 yet? I have. How is? Genuinely incredible movie. That's what everyone's saying. I went to the premiere and I had- Yes, you looked sick. You looked amazing. I saw that look. I felt so cunt. Thank you, bitch. I felt so cunt. So we went to the premiere and saw the movie there. And I was like, it has been so long since I've seen a movie genuinely that's like-

All the fantastic parts of what Star Wars is. You know, like, it has something for everyone. I've never seen Star Wars. Okay, I'll go ahead. That's absolutely no problem at all. It's like, you know, it's action mixed with politics, mixed with friendship and romance and whatever. It's like something for everyone. Dune had that, but like...

Also, this is the tea. Dune came out before Star Wars did. It's a book. Anywho, I think it's about time we get into to tell me what's wrong. Let's absolutely get into it. And I'm so excited to do these with you. Do you know about them? Do I need to... Go ahead. Go ahead. Just from the top. So the pussies write in and they tell us what's wrong and then we prescribe them what anything. Welbutrin. Welbutrin. Are you on anything? I am on...

And no, I have PCOS. So I'm just on like a bunch of hormone balancing prescriptions, but I'm not on like, what are those called? Antidepressants? SSRIs. Yes. Oh, I am. Prozac. Hey girl. Yes. Congrats. But so we prescribe them like a pop culture remedy of sorts or whatever you want to give them. All right. Let's get into it. This guy has been buying me drinks every weekend for the, oh, tell me what's wrong.

This guy has been buying me drinks every weekend for the past month, but the first night we met, he told me he wanted to Mac on my box out of the blue as he was ordering me a shot, and I didn't even acknowledge it. Mac on my box. Now, did she include a picture of this young gentleman? No, no. I wish. Can they submit photos? I want to see the type of gentleman that would say Mac on your box. Any straight man. You could only hope so. No, like my friends, like...

Why does that make me jealous? - I'm saying what's the problem? What's the problem with the scenario? - Yeah, what's the problem here? Like my friend was like, this hot guy was on her at the bar, talking to her at the bar the other day. - Oh! - And he was like, I know. - I'm so sorry. - I'm sorry. Pretty privilege is one of the most. - I'll kill you with a gun. - Infuriating things.

And if anyone's about to write it and be like, wait, you have pretty privilege. Stop. No, just don't do it. But like, I won't read it. But like, I won't read it. Because we know. But pretty privilege, especially in the gay community, makes me want to die. And I'm like, what's happening here? Wee ho gay. I'm like, but you're beautiful. But you're beautiful. It, it, prettiness gets you so much. They say fat flattery gets you everywhere. No, no, no, no, no. Gorgeousness. Gorgeousness. Yes.

Yes. Gorgeousness. That'll do it. And I was shown the episode. I feel like everyone was shown the episode of The Twilight Zone, Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder. I love it! Yes! With her pig people. With her pig mask. Yeah, see, that episode has done nothing for our culture. We need to watch that as a class. We need to all watch that again. As a class, we're going to wheel in the TV. Instead of the presidential debate, which will be a shit show, let's watch Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder. Okay, I prescribe you...

I prescribe you boohoo, bitch. Okay, no, I will say this. I will say this. It is something to be said about straight men being creepy. Yes. That's creepy and predatory, and your friend, whoever the fuck said that to her, that is creepy. And I think the only reason at least I'm like, I want that is because I don't have any. No, we don't get that. No. We do not get that. Right. And that's okay. And that's okay. Yep. But that is creepy. It's horrible, and it honestly...

It's one of those larger discussions of like, what should I have done in that scenario? You should have told him he's a fucking gross pig. Yeah. You know, like you cannot let men get away with talking to not even women, to people like that. Right. Because this whole society that we're sort of unlearning on, it's starting on TikTok, I think, of like actually dismantling the way that

men are allowed to behave. Right. And women have to adjust their behavior to accommodate. Yes. You know, it's, it's always like if he wanted to, he would. Well, why fucking doesn't he? No one taught him how to be respectful to women. So it's like, I'm, when I hear that shit, I'm like, she should have stood up and fucking beefed up and been like, right. Genuinely. Who the fuck do you think you're talking? She wasn't into it. Right. Well,

Well, it sounds like she wasn't. Yeah, it sounds like she wasn't. It's hard in the moment, though, because you're so shocked by what these men are saying. I know. Did you really just say that to me? No. Been there. Yeah. Been there. Actually, wait, no, I haven't. Sorry. Why did I just lie to everyone? Someone said they want a munchier box. Do you ever have robotic responses? Yeah. Where you're just like, yep, same. And then you think about it and you're like, why did I? No, that hasn't happened to me ever. Just lied. I just lied. What's your star sign? Taurus.

My mom's a Taurus. What are you? A Scorpio. I don't know much about Scorpios. They're dark. Just dark and twisted fantasy. Dark and twisted. Is your birthday in May? Yeah. What is it? May 10th. Louise? Period. What year? I'm 97.

I prescribe this girl maybe to stop talking to him if that comment freaked you out. I would prescribe her three lemon drop shots. Yeah, that you buy yourself. Yes. That you buy yourself instead of him buying you. Black out and knock his ass into the wall. Ooh, ooh, this one's going to be good. My ex broke no contact by showing up at my church. Nope, nope, nope. Help. Not even God could have prepared me for that.

Not the church. No. We're dealing with Christian couples. Yeah. This is uncharted waters. Yeah. Christian couples are some of the horniest people you'll ever meet. They are. They are. They won't tell you that. But they'll do it behind closed doors where God isn't watching. They're finger popping each other. He's always watching, girl. It's public domain. He's allowed to be there. Yeah. Okay. He showed up to your church. Did he not go there with you before? Oh, okay. Right. I agree.

It is creepy, though. No, but I think maybe you're right. Sometimes it's important to break the delusion. Right. And he showed up to my... It's Sunday at 9 a.m., girl. He's here. It's mass. It's mass. Like, it's mass. He's there to see G. He's there with his grandma. Yeah. G. The JC. The JC. I prescribed to you...

A different church. If that really bothers you. Yeah. I prescribe to you. Or being comfortable being in the same room as someone that you don't like anymore.

Also, breaking no contact. Like, did he come up? I just need more context. See, sometimes the pussies don't give enough context. And that is something. Which is okay because I operate the same. But in a case like this, we need a little bit more contact. Yeah, I'm kind of. Yeah, I'm leaning towards indifference. Right, indifference. Because right now this is between you, God, and your ex. Exactly. And it always is. Mm-hmm.

I prescribe... Mm-hmm. I was about to say something. I didn't know if it was offensive to the Christian community. What? Let me hear it. I prescribe to you five Hail Marys. That's hilarious. I prescribe to you Andrew Scott, the hot priest from Fleabag. Have you ever seen Fleabag? Andrew Scott's in Fleabag? Bitch, watch...

I've never seen Fleabag. You died. I saw one episode because I was applying for an internship at Amazon Studios when I was in college and I was like preparing for the interview so I was watching all their originals. No, you need to watch it all the way through. It is so fucking good. Okay, I'm game. My gay best friend of 13 years just confessed his love for me. Dash Elizabeth. Can we call her?

She didn't give me a number. Fuck, girl. That is... That's a TV show. That's a TV show. Holy shit. Because, like, I... Like, she must feel so, like, oh, my God, you've been my gay best friend for three, 13 years. Elizabeth, God, I don't know what to prescribe to you. That is so... Look, bi men exist. That's very real. But that is awkward as fuck. That is awkward. And it's also, like, I do think that you can still be friends. Yeah, I do, too. Just be like...

You know I don't feel that way about you. Yeah. And if he takes it weird, then take it from there. Hope this helps. I just found out that one of the football coaches, 22 years old, and one of the – oh, this doesn't sound legal. One of the players, 18 years old, are secretly hooking up. They're really hot. So should I tell someone about it or try to join them?

Wait, one of the who and the who? I just found out that one of the football coaches, 22 years old, and one of the players, 18 years old, oh, this is my literal fantasy, are secretly hooking up. They're really hot, so should I tell someone about it or try to join them? Join them? Yeah, I would join them. Girl, this is a Wattpad fan fiction. And I guess that's legal, 22 and 18, that's legal. It's legal, it's just fucking gross. Yeah, but I would join. I mean, I lost my virginity to a 39-year-old.

That is a lot of the explanation of your trauma. Yeah. Was it a teacher? No, it was someone I met on Grindr. And I didn't eat for 24 hours. And I got there and I was like, this is happening. And then I asked for a cigarette after. He goes, did you just ask me for a cigarette so you could say you had a cigarette after sex? Were you 18? I was 21. Wait. Yep. I was 21. That is so period. Yeah, it was kind of sick. I won't lie. And then I got home and listened to the Justice album by Justin Bieber for three hours.

Because it came out that night. What do I prescribe to this football love story? I prescribe maybe an episode of Friday Night Lights. Episode of Friday Night Lights or what's that? All American. Hillary Duff movie with Chad Michael Murray.

Cinderella Story. Cinderella Story. Best movie ever. I would agree. Ever. And not the remake. Well, the remake with Selena is. The Music Eats. The Music Eats. Which one is Jennifer Coolidge in? Hillary. Hillary. Oh, I love Jennifer Coolidge. She's such a fucking bitch in that movie. Yeah, she's awesome. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. I love her. Have you met her? I've never met her. I'm dying to meet her. It's going to happen for you. Oh, I hope.

Me and my, oh, this one I can answer. Me and my friend got into a huge fight and I got so mad. Oh my God. I fucked her boyfriend while she was out of town. He's now asking to hang out with me again, but I don't know what should I do? That's not your best friend, girl. And you're not a good friend. Your followers are. My best friend fucked on me, so I killed her baby daddy and then I, what? She got so mad at her friend that she fucked her boyfriend. That is evil. That's venomous. That's sinister.

I prescribe to you. I like almost like, I don't know what advice to give you. I think you maybe have like some anger management you need to work out. I think you need to be institutionalized. That's wrong. You need to learn what it means to be a friend. Why would that be your knee-jerk reaction to? You piss me off. Fuck her boyfriend. Well, I guess I have to suck him off because she left me no choice. No, that's crazy. You need to be in an institution. I prescribe euphoria, especially when-

Yep. Especially when Cassie fucks Maddie's boyfriend because what's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? This guy I've been talking to for over a year hasn't taken me on a date yet. He doesn't want you. Is this me? Did I write this in? Did you write this in?

Did I write this in? Well, girl, don't go on that date. I'm telling you right now, do not go on that date because if he wanted to, he fucking would. He does not want you. When I went on that date with that guy who I'd been talking to for a year, I was damn right, he did not want me. They never do. They never do. I prescribed to you a new guy. Next. Yes. Got a few more pussies.

My ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend won't stop posting TikToks of them and it makes me want to die. Please help. I feel sick. Block her. Block them. The fuck? Block her. That's a very simple solution. That is a form of self-harm. Can we be totally honest? Yes, it is. When you keep checking someone's location, their account, their whatever, that's a form of self-harm. Fucking block them. Agreed. Block. I prescribe a block. I think that's one and done. Sunblock. I'm talking to and hooking up with a cute college soccer player. Ugh, love. Yum. He is so nice, but the sex is terrible. Oops.

I never go for the nice guys. So do I keep giving it a shot or cut my losses? I don't know. I mean, I think sex can change, but personalities can't. Absolutely. If you like the young gentleman, you can teach him how to fuck. I agree. Every. I agree. You remember that trend on TikTok that was like when a man pulls out some crazy sex move and it's like someone's cooked here. Yeah. Someone taught him how to do that. They don't know how to do that on their own. Someone hasn't cooked there evidently. Nope.

You cannot change a person's character. But you can change a person's athleticism. 100%. Endurance. Endurance. So stick with it. If he's nice, I prescribe to you She's the Man with Amanda Bynes. I prescribe to you She's the Man and gas station dick pills. Okay.

Okay. Like horny goat weed? Horny goat weed, rhino dick pills. Right. Yes. I prescribe She's the Man because they like fuck on a soccer team. Love. Or maybe Bend It Like Beckham. Ooh, these are great movies. I love Bend It Like Beckham. Okay. This is, oh, we have two more. Ooh, ooh. I'm falling out of love with my boyfriend. Like, these are so hard for me to read because I'm so bitter and jealous that you have a boyfriend. Yeah, like, oh, fuck.

Fuck you, girl. Yeah, like, damn. Fuck you and your boyfriend. I'm falling out of love with my boyfriend, and I have no idea what to do. I can't imagine life without him, but it's just not the same anymore. I prescribe some, you gotta leave him and grow. You gotta have roots before branches, girl. I prescribe developing a severe substance abuse issue. Okay, to what?

To what? You could, weed is a good gateway. Just like really become a stoner. Really become just like a shell of who you are. Yeah. Then maybe some uppers. I actually asked Louise, I go, should I smoke? Before this, Louise goes, it's 9.30 a.m. Mama, the sun's not up. Nope, the sun is not up. Do you not have to- Do you smoke? I do edibles and they give me memory loss. That explains why I have so much trouble memorizing my lines. That'll do it. That'll do it. Fucking brain rot, girl. So you prescribe a substance abuse program. I prescribe uppers. Uppers, yep.

Hope this helps. I prescribe to you, and this is the 10th time I'll prescribe this. Yeah.

Season one of Girls. Adam Driver. Marnie and her boyfriend. Where she has fallen out of love with him entirely, but she can't imagine life without him and she needs to leave him to grow on her own. That is so real. Yeah. Thoughts on Lena Dunham? Yeah. Is that her name? Yeah. I don't know anything about her as a person. I just know her work. Oh, her lore is like crazy. I've heard. It goes crazy. I've heard it goes stupid. No, she's like an insane person. I know. The best creatives are.

The best. They called Jesus a fucking lunatic until... You know, one time I called my friend and pranked her and was like reading her the plot of the Bible and told her it was a movie we're going to see later. I told her it was called B-Blay. Oil rigged. Did you start that trend? No, no. I saw this girl Acquired Style do it. You did it so well. I get mad at him. Yeah, because I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? You don't want to take me on this oil rigging trip. He's like, you're going to fucking oil rig?

not believing in you. Yeah. Like that it was so convincing. Because I became the character. You do every time. Thank you. It's really something special. So I prescribed to you season one of Girls and I also prescribed to you the movie Someone Great. Have you ever seen that movie? I've never. I was going to prescribe but he's just not that into you. Oh okay or that. But she's not that into him. Right. Can't help you. Okay last one pussies. Okay.

I hooked up with this guy last night who left because he said he was hanging out with his friends. I found out this morning he was actually with a girl. Next. Buy a gun. Yeah, a gun. And kill him. That's horrible. And I've known guys who have done that before. I've known guys who have literally, oh my God, this is like lore.

When I had just graduated college and I was living in Dallas and working this like horrible job, I was on dating apps because of course I was. And I hooked up with this guy and he came to my house, which first of all, should never have done that. He came to my house, literally nutted and was like, I forgot I have something. No. Left. Like my pants were off. You want to hear something fucking crazy? Go ahead.

I went to this, this guy was talking to one hand. She was, I was so cute. I was like looking at this family home. Like dad's a dentist. Yes. I actually know everything about them. I know his parents' phone numbers. And then he was like, you should come over. I was like, that's so weird. It's 2 PM on a Tuesday. Like, and I will, I will. So I went over, I sucked his dick. And then he was like, uh, you got to leave. I'm busy. And then I had to call my grandma and wish her happy birthday. Well, I had stuff all up on me.

She was like, thanks, Jake. I'm like, yeah, happy birthday, grandma. You had, oh my God, do you remember that episode of the Kardashians when Khloe goes to the dentist and there's a pube in her molar? No. Because she's been sucking so much. No. That was you, girl. That was me, but you want to hear the catch? Go ahead. It's a year later and I'm working. I'm interning at a rec and label. This is season two. Yep. And they're like, we've signed a new act. I'm like, amazing. They're like, we're meeting the team today. I open up the Zoom to his lovely face. Beep. I was like,

So what do I prescribe you, girl? I guess a gun. A gun. Unless you are actually going to use it, do not take that advice legally. Do not do that. And that was a joke. And that was a joke. We are, again, comedians. Comedians. Comedians.

I prescribe to you. What's a movie about like a, oh, I prescribe to you. You love to prescribe media. Oh, Bridesmaids because Kristen Wiig is fucking Jon Hamm and he treats her like shit and he's not the one for her. Real, real, real, real. Also, alternatively, Devil Wears Prada. My favorite movie of all time and you're wearing a Stanley Tucci shirt. And I figured when you said that, I was like, it's either burlesque or Devil Wears Prada. I've never seen burlesque. Girl, get the fuck. Should I watch it on the plane tonight? Yes! Stanley Tucci's Star Wars. He's amazing.

Oh, I almost just vomited. He is like, it's just a little baby puke. Happens. He's the gayest straight man I've ever seen. He's straight? Yes, girl. He's married to Emily Blunt's sister. That is the most kismet moment I've ever heard. I know. I love him. That's amazing. I love him. He makes little recipes on TikTok and I follow every single one. Oh, I'm following. Yep. Oh, I'm following. Okay, so Brittany, what did we learn today?

What we learned today is that if you're ever going through a crisis, apparently you just need to watch a movie. Yeah. That's kind of what you prescribed. Yeah. And mine is you need to turn to pills. Gun or drugs. You need to get contraband now. Yeah. Gun and drugs. And IVs. And IVs.

And God. God. Well, God is the absolute last resort. Yes. Okay. That'll do it. That is what we learned. Well, Brittany, thank you so much for coming by the therapist's office. I've never had so much fun. I'm healed. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you. You know what would have made this better? What? If Brooke was right here. My dream blunt rotation. I genuinely mean this. Me too. Wait, let's do that. Okay.

I would love. Either on yours or hers or mine. Let's do it. Done. Little binkies. A little binky. A little puss. Binky and puss. Pussies. I love you. Oh, give them a little bye, pussies. Bye, pussies. I love you guys. I'll see you next week. Bye. Put your tents up. Put your tents up. Tents up. Smart cookies.