Session 13: Alexander 23
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Hello, pussies, and welcome back to Therapus. Today, we have Alexander the Great. No, I'm just kidding. He died so many years ago. We have Alexander 23 on today, who I just fucking adore, okay? I'm a really, really, really big music guy. So if you don't, like...

Alexander 23 is an artist in his own right, but he is also the producer of so many fucking incredible songs. You would know, first of all, he produced basically the entire, he executive produced Rene Rapp's Snow Angel album. He produced Get Him Back with Olivia Rodrigo. He produced some of Tate's biggest hits. He's just such a force and he's so, so talented. So I was so excited to like sit down and just talk about myself with him for a little bit.

I'm just kidding. I was so excited to talk to him. He's also just like one of the best straight guys I know, if not the best, like really and truly an outstanding citizen. He's incredible. And I love him so much. Also something really, really important.

Alexander 23 made my dreams come true. And you will find that out at the very end of this episode. I like was going to post it as like a teaser for this episode, but I like literally just want you guys to be so taken aback by like how he genuinely made my dreams come true. Hint, you know how bad I want to be a pop star. Like, you know how bad I want to be a pop star. And like, that's just like what I'll leave you with. But at the very end of this episode, like everyone in the room was like, that was top notch.

Top two moments of this entire podcast so far. And that's saying something. Because we've had a lot of stuff happen in our first 12 episodes. But it was amazing. Recently, Alexander has dropped his two latest singles, On My Mind and How Much Longer. They are amazing. You obviously have to check them out. I prescribe both of them to you guys. As well as just him in general. He's perfect. Okay, Cassandra has something she wants to tell you guys. I'm not going to give you the mic anymore if you won't speak. Seriously. Okay.

Basically, what Passandra was supposed to tell you guys was that we have our very second sponsor of the podcast, and it is one very near and dear to my heart. It is with NoCD. As many of you know, I struggle daily with OCD and the intrusive thoughts and compulsions that mental illness brings to me and me.

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be neat all the time, which is how a lot of people expect it to manifest or what they think it is. OCD really manifests. Like I had to do things a certain amount of times. I had to watch a scene back four times. I had to turn off the lights 20 times. I had to look in the mirror four times. The reason though that I did these compulsions and these behaviors is because I had intrusive thoughts that would in

intrude my thoughts, telling me that if I didn't do it, I would get bad luck or bad things would happen to my family or regardless. A whole list of reasons why I had to do it. Part of the exposure and response therapy, which NoCD offers, is basically kind of just exposing you to going against those intrusive thoughts. And obviously everyone handles it differently. I'm heavily medicated and I dabble a bit in exposure and response therapy. But what NoCD really, really does offer is the exposure and response therapy for people struggling.

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I am here, you guys, with Alexander 23. He is the executive producer of Snow Angel by Rene Rapp. He just released his two singles, On My Mind and How Much Longer. He is also produced for Olivia Rodrigo. He did Get Him Back off of Guts and he did Good For You. How could I fucking forget? He did Good For You. Don't make me say it.

Good for you. And he also has produced for Tate McRae. So basically all my favorite people and artists ever. He is so beyond talented and we are so lucky to have him. Alexander, thank you for being here. Hi, Jake. Thanks for having me. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. Me too. You know, Alexander, fun fact, was one of the first people I texted to be on the show. Oh,

Thank you. Do you know that? I didn't know that, but that really makes me happy. It's the truth. Do you not remember? I said the first guest is going to be Renee, Tate, and then Alexander. Wow. I love that. I love that. I'm glad to bring a straight white representation to this podcast. Honestly? Yeah.

We need it. There's not enough straight white people podcasting. Everyone always says that. I'm so excited to hear your take on some of these things because I would like, I'm really harsh about some stuff and I feel like maybe you're not going to be as harsh. Okay. We'll see. We'll see about that. Also, you guys, Alexander is making my dream come true today. He brought his guitar because he is going to sing one of my poems that I've written in the past year. I've actually chosen the poem already. I can't wait. It is...

Has to do with one of the most traumatic times of my life. Perfect. I mean, a lot of great songs do. Yes. Well, I don't tell you just so, like, you prepare. It's about the time I lost my luggage. I don't think there's a worse thing that can happen to a person. Louise was there. Louise, can you attest? Sobbing on the floor. Hysterically sobbing. I almost turned around. I actually said, I'm not going on this trip. I'm not going. My luggage is gone. You lost your luggage before the trip? No. Okay. Do you want to hear the story? Yeah, I really do. It's really gnarly. So...

Louise and I get up in the morning. We're like, we're going to France today. Like, yay, we're so pumped. I'm all packed. My best friend packed for me because I can't pack. And we go to the airport as one does. I check the luggage and we get on the plane. And I'm like, okay, good night. See you in Newark. And we landed in Newark and I get a call while the luggage is coming out.

It was about this house. It was about this house and figuring out the lease for this house. So I'm on the phone. I'm like talking, talking, talking. And then I turn around and I realize the luggage has already started. I'm like, fuck, I'm usually so on top of it. Like I'm usually like in front of where the luggage is coming out 10 minutes before the luggage comes out. I'm like, whatever, what's the worst that could happen? Well, I'll tell you what the worst that could happen is. Someone would take my luggage. No. Yes. My luggage was taken because I was like, where's my luggage? It didn't come out. And they were like, well, it's checked in.

And so when it's checked in, it means it was scanned in and it went around the thingy. So someone yanked it. So I said, oh, oh, like they, it's gone. Like we're, I'm not going to France. And I wrote a poem about it. A few poems actually. We call it Luggage Gate.

It's beautiful already. Thank you. It was really intense. Everyone knew about it. I'll actually read you just really quickly. You guys, you pussies showed up for me this time because it was Father's Day and JetBlue posted for Father's Day. And here are the comments on JetBlue's Father's Day post. You guys, you pussies. I just want to let you know how much I appreciated this. You guys, like this was the most, this was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Okay, come on. JetBlue, LuggageGate. Come on. When was this?

It was... Sorry, I'm needing to find this because I need to read this to you. I got a quick question. Can I call them the pussies as well? Of course you can! Okay, I appreciate that. They're the pussies! I was wondering that driving here. No, you know what? Thank you for asking because honestly, sometimes a lot of guys say it and they say it in a really creepy way, but that was...

amazing I appreciate that like you I was also driving here and I was I was running a little bit late and I and I initially felt really bad about that this is late well then I remembered that Renee had done this podcast before and there's just no there's no way I was later than her she was like I'm

Sorry. And I was like, I'm just happier here. I've had so many talks with her about this. Yeah, she was. And she was so pissed off about something that I don't, I forget what it was. I think she thinks if she shows up late, but she's pissed that people will just forgive her. I will. Well, that's exactly what happened. And it works most of the time. It was amazing. What's her star sign? Do you know? Is it Gemini? Aquarius. What is your star sign? Oh, mine? Yeah. Wait. No, I asked for hers, but now I'm asking for hers. I don't know hers. I'm an Aquarius.

I totally see that. Okay, amazing. So February. January, late January. Late January. January 23rd. Okay, so you're a January Aquarius. I don't know many January Aquariuses. Well, happy to be the one. Now I do. Okay, I need to find this JetBlue Father's Day post just so I can, you know what, pussies? We'll put it up here and I'll show you like all the comments, but you really showed the fuck up for me and you made all these fathers feel so unimportant because my luggage was gone and that was awesome. Anywho, I wrote, that's when I started my poetry career.

That was it. That was it. I was so upset and there was nothing I could do. You know what? I'll read you the poem. I really want to hear it. Okay. Just so you can have it in your mind for when we make a song. Yeah, let it marinate a little bit. It was JetBlue. Mm-hmm.

Jet blue shows a different hue of lying and deceit. My luggage has receipts. All of my clothes are gone. Thank God for my meds or else I wouldn't have made it to dawn. Jet blue shows a different hue of malicious intent. My baggage is probably in a fucking vent. Jet blue, jet blue, jet blue. Where do I begin with you? I mean, I think some people work their whole careers to make something that good. And you did on the first try. I know!

I mean, that's unbelievable. Wasn't that good? I mean, you're really good at this, and I love you, but you might be in the wrong career. That was good, right? That was good. I know, because I made it, and everyone commented, like, why is this good? And I was like, oh, like, I'll take this more seriously than if, like, we're all going to say, like, my poems are good. Like, I will take this seriously. How seriously did I take it? Oh, my God. Completely seriously, you need to tell the pussies about how you wanted to do a spoken word album, and we shot cover art.

Okay, yeah. I'll score it. I'll produce it. If you'll let me, I will. Will you actually? 100%. Don't play with me. I would never. Don't play with me. I would never. Wait, are you dead serious? 100%. You let me know when. I'll clear my schedule. Wait, it's happening. You guys. I was like, okay, like. You heard it here first. Yes. I was like, what the fuck am I supposed to. I know, but it's okay. It's octopus. If you say it's okay, then it's okay. It's okay. Thank you.

I was like, God, like I'm writing all these poems and they're coming so naturally to me. Like how, let's just get in the studio. Like let's get in the studio and do a spoken word poem album. Like at the time I didn't have this podcast. Like I was really lost. And I was like, that is what I'll do. And we shot cover art for it. And everyone told me it was stupid.

Well, it's not stupid. I'm here to tell you that. And then maybe Renee can sing a little bit. I'm sure she would. This is going to change the game of music forever. It's impossible to get to do anything, but she would drop everything. I think she would fly home right now to tell us what she has. No, I think she would too. I'm going to tell her we are making a spoken word poetry album out of my poetry with Alexander. And...

We're going to release it on my birthday. That's our date. Oh, when's your birthday? October 27th. Oh, we have so much time. We have so much time. Oh, we could do a proper rollout. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Billboard Times Square, the whole thing. You're seriously like, this is my dream come true. Like, I will perform it on Jimmy Kimmel. I hope you know I'm not kidding at all. I'm not kidding at all. Wait, are you serious? 100%. Because one thing about me is I'm not kidding. Like, if anything, I take it a little too seriously. Good, good. And I bother people with it. So if you're not kidding, I'm not kidding. Amazing. Pussies. You heard it here first.

Executive produced by Alexander 23. Spoken word poet. By Puss. By me. By me. And it's going to come out on my birthday. And this is happening. Let's call it Puss in Poems. Puss in Poems. Yeah. Unbelievable. I'm very quick with it. Writes itself. I know. Puss in Poems. Just like the poems. And it's released on my birthday. And it will literally be awk amazing. Should we do a listening party on the JFK floor? Yes! Yeah. Oh my god. Wait. I need to hang out with more creatives. Seriously.

The bar is very low for me today. I appreciate that. No, like, that is genius. Like, we're going to know it's Newark, actually, even better. They'll definitely have a space to rent out. Right? It's Newark. Yeah, I think you can just show up. Yeah, for sure. Newark is way better than JFK. Where are you from again? New Jersey? I'm from Chicago.

You from Chicago? Nolan, evidently. Where? Kankakee. Kankakee? Kankakee. Like Joliet. Okay, Joliet. I know that one. I'm from Deerfield. Oh, no way. Yeah. So you went to the Deerfield Path Inn growing up. Deerfield Path Inn? That's this restaurant that Brett goes to all the time. Are you knowing more about my hometown than me right now? I know. I know. Are you near Lake Forest? Very close. Yes. One of our roommates and best friends is from Lake Forest.

Did you, where'd you go to high school? Deerfield High School. Got it. Which is almost in Lake Forest. Got it. It's that close. Okay. Yeah. I see. Once got in a fight at the Taco Bell on the border of Deerfield and Lake Forest. You like Taco Bell? I love Taco Bell. And you know what I've been meaning to do? Because I always get Taco Bell, a lot of times on tour, everything's closed, you get Taco Bell or you get home late, you get Taco Bell, you're hungry. You know what I've been meaning to do? I'm calling it Taco Bell on purpose.

Taco Bell just for dinner. Yeah. To mean to do it for dinner. I've been meaning to do that. I feel like I also know the menu really well. So if you want, I can kind of show you around. I'll do the cheesy gordita crunch, but I'll get the Dorito Locos taco inside of it. Okay. That sounds sick. I won't lie. And if you do a grilled cheese burrito, you can add jalapenos and they put it on the outside, glue it with cheese to the outside.

I'm knowing too much about this. That sounds sick. I've toured for too many years now. Taco Bell should maybe sponsor your tour. I would love that, actually. Taco Bell. But you know what? Speaking of tour, if this poetry album is successful, we are going to have to tour it. And that will seriously, I just want to let you know, be the best month of my life. It would be an honor. I would get up on that fucking stage and sing my poems.

We could, I mean, me, you, Renee, we could Tate on it. Yes. And just do a tour. Seriously, like. Wow. I think you'd like the tour bus life. I think so, too. It's like summer camp. I know. It's really nice. We must. Like, you don't understand, like, how desperate I am to it. And you know what? I need to watch Daisy Jones and the Six now. Did you watch? I haven't watched, but I actually auditioned for it. You would have been great. Well, here's the thing, is I was so bad. Oh, okay.

I don't think that I would be bad necessarily in all acting roles. I was just very, very ill-prepared. Like I showed up and I didn't know a single line. I asked for like the lines. Got it. And they were like, oh, you need the lines. And I understood immediately how ill-prepared I was. Yeah, right. And then so they gave me like the sheet. You weren't knowing. What? You were not knowing. I was not knowing at all. Yeah. And they gave me the sheet and I'm like reading the lines. And I swear to God, they said to me, they said, you know what? Like you can act.

Oh, period. They were like, oh, no, no, no, no. Like, you could try to act. Oh, okay. No, like, you can act these lines out. Oh. And it, like, hit me like, oh my. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. Damn. So I haven't watched the show at a protest. But I'm sure it's great. You know what? I haven't seen it either. So whatever. Do you know what the purpose of this show is? You know about the Tell Me What's Wrongs? Yeah. So I listened to Tate's episode. I listened to Renee's episode. Got it. So you're knowing what to do. I'm very excited. Okay, period. This is, like, one of the first times I haven't had to explain what it is. We make sure you do therapists. Oh!

How could I forget? Sorry, I was so entrenched in our album mode that I couldn't even... We're going album mode. We're going album mode. It's a fun mode to be in. Puss in Poems, October 27th, 2024. Wait, would it be 2025? No. But I'm 20... Oh, you know what, you guys? I can't think about this. Whatever.

Anywho, what are you pissed about this week? Because before we get into the tell me what's wrong, we like to do this thing called therapist where we just like air out our grievances. Did anything like remotely or really piss you off this week? Well, it actually just stopped. But the rain. Okay.

The rain. Yeah, the rain's not it. Enough of that. Uh-huh. I don't really get seasonal depression, but I do get seasonal aggression. Yeah. And I was fucking... Can I say fuck? I was fucking pissed about this rain. The shit I say on this podcast. Okay, good. It's not... I was fucking pissed about the rain. I was just sitting inside, like, angry. Like, my mom would call me and I'd be in a bad mood about something. Uh-huh. Uphill, as per usual. Like, I get that. Like, when it's raining, I live outside, like, in the back house. I have to walk...

In the rain to get to my girls. And they just really threw off my vibe. Like the rain ruined my life. I get it. It sucks. It sucks. So I was pissed about it. What about you? Oh. Well, I am so angry literally all the time about everything. But what I was really angry about was. There must be something. There must be something. Yeah.

I guess if you're always angry, you're never angry. Oh, I was really alone on Valentine's Day and that pissed me off. Actually, you know what? It wasn't the act of being alone on Valentine's Day. It was the fact that all the people that usually give me attention had to give attention to their significant other. Which is wrong. Which is wrong. Which is wrong. And so it left me feeling really bored and really alone. And I was just like spiraling like no other.

So that's what pissed me off. Like, I don't like national holidays that I don't personally celebrate. Well, they're fucked up. Yeah. So, like, for example, like, I'm trying to think of, like, another, like. So what did you end up doing? I went to dinner with my girls that were also single. Okay, great. But I was at that point, like. You had a nice evening. Yeah. Like, at that point, like, I was tired. It was too far gone, yeah. I was, like, when I have, like, a mental breakdown day like that, like, screaming, yelling, like, crying, like, I can't do anything at night.

And I was sitting there. Yeah, it was exhausting. Being pissed is exhausting. Dude, it consumes my life. I used to be told all the time when I was a kid, you need to stop. And you need to channel your energy into something creative. And look at you now. And now I'm doing that. But still pissed. But still pissed. It's beautiful. Because, like, it's, like, natural. Like, it's natural instinct in me. Like, I must complain.

Well, you're really good at it. Thank you. And you're supposed to do what you're good at. Thank you. So I think you're doing fine. Because if you, whoever I'm complaining to is not at the receiving end of like why I'm annoyed, they tend to enjoy it. They think it's like entertaining. And it is. Thank you. Yeah. So, yeah. Oh, and then what else I was pissed about? And I'm actually going to use this time to air it out now. Here we go. Let's go. Do you go to air one ever? Every day. Okay. Have you ever had the keto pork?

No. You don't have to be keto. God knows I'm not. But this keto pork is fucking everything, okay? Ever since I was 20 years old, every single time I went to Air One, I would get it. Every single time. They always had it. And if they didn't have it, you'd go, do you have it in the back? And they'd always have it in the back. Whoa. That's a good trick to know. Yes. And so I moved when I'm – since I moved recently, the Air One now by me –

Does not ever sell keto pork. It's almost like they don't know it exists. It's regional. Yes. To like West Hollywood. To West Hollywood. And I'm starting. Is that the best air one? The one on Beverly? I would have never argued that. But now? Yeah. Now I would argue that the one on Beverly is the best one. So I live in Silver Lake. And I got. We got a really. Yes. Like I've been trying to start Slake. Wait. Me and all my friends say Slake. Really? Do you do Shokes?

Oh, no. Yeah. Well, that makes sense for Sherman Oaks. Yeah. Slake, everyone in Silver Lake will be like, yeah. It's a stretch. It's a stretch. But here's the thing about Air One. The best one is Studio City. Okay. You were saying that. It's like a compound. It's beautiful. I went to the opening of that one, right? Didn't I, Luis? Wow. Got it. Never mind. 100%. Yeah. Never mind. Not Studio City, but that's lit. But I – yeah, so Air One stopped serving the keto pork, and that's what I'm really, like, enraged about. Yeah.

To the point where, like, I haven't been able to go recently unless I know that they have it. So I've started calling and they just, they never have it. I didn't know you could call. Oh, Erewhon, you call? Extension 2 for the hot bar. Wow. That is good to know. Yeah, so you call and say, what do you have? I'm going to be checking out the Buffalo Cauliflower. Yeah, well, they always have that. Yeah, but they run out. They do run out. I guess there's no way to call. You just got to time it up and pray. No, you say, like,

Are you like planning on making more? Because if it's 8 p.m., they're not. Like I know all the Erewhon tips and tricks. It's good to know. I want to start hitting you. Yeah, absolutely. We can meet in the middle of us at West Hollywood one. Or Studio City. I want to go to Studio City. It's really nice. Since you're telling me it's like amazing. You're going to love it. It's amazing. Wow. Well, anywho, I'm glad we got what we're pissed about out of the way because now we can get into the tell me what's wrongs. Tell me what's wrong.

I want to make little like sound bumpers for the podcast too. Tell me what's wrong. And then it hits with a little bit. Please. Like therapist. Will you actually? 100%. You guys. I'm serious. I wouldn't say it if I didn't want to do it. I'm your biggest fan. I'm your biggest fan. I'm going to follow up about this. This is a dream come true for me. So how are the sound bumpers? Oh, they're coming. Oh, you guys. Wait, this is really disturbing. I'm just like warning you right now. Can't wait. You guys. Some of you therapists cannot fix.

And I don't know if I'm able to help. I walked in on my best friend losing her virginity to the high school janitor. Little does she know. I know. It's rough. Little does she know, I secretly told my other friend. Rude. That's rude. Oh, my God. Wait, I don't know if I can answer this one. And now it's spread around the school. Oh, my God.

I'm scared she's going to find out I started this chain reaction. Help. The only thing I'm going to say is, number one, why is your best friend losing her virginity to the high school janitor? Like, report it to something, someone. That's not allowed. You got to go to the police. Yeah, I think that's illegal. This is way above our pay grade. Yeah, this is above our pay grade. I'm so sorry. But also, why did you tell your friend? Because now everyone knows, bitch. Now everyone knows. And obviously, your friend is going to find out it was you. Who else would it be? You walked in.

Dude, prepare for the worst. I've been there. I've done equally shitty things. Although I did immediately think of the Mean Girls, the musical, the movie. Oh. In the janitor's closet. That's all I'm saying. I feel weird prescribing something to this, but I would actually prescribe Mean Girls, the musical, the movie. And the authorities. And the authorities, yes. Because that's illegal. Yeah, that's bad.

I like how you screen them first. It's nice that you screen them first just so you can manage your outrage. Yeah, you know what I mean. Like, I just got to be careful. I blacked out last weekend and rolled around in dirt in nothing but my bikini. Someone took a photo and sent it into my school's barstool account. My parents follow that account and don't know I drink. What do I do?

You absolutely DM Barstool. And actually, you know what? I'll help you. Barstool, if you are watching this, you posted, well, I wish you clarified. Was it your school's Barstool or was it Barstool overall? If it is your school's Barstool, that is going to be a little more difficult because I don't know what school you go to. But Barstool, this girl, like you got to take it down and you should DM them and say, take it down. And like, if your parents haven't said anything to you about it, like they're definitely not knowing. What do you think?

I wasn't paying attention. Can you read it one more time? You know what? That's okay. That happens to everyone in that chair. My foot fell asleep. Yes. That also happens to everyone in that chair. Other parts of your body are going to start to fall asleep. It's weird. But I think that they should...

Tell their parents they drink. For sure. If you're in college. Yes. You're so, like, grounded and, like, seeing everything from, like, such a good perspective. Like, I'm like, wait, like, remove it. Like... I mean, get it removed for sure. Yeah. You shouldn't post things to people that they wouldn't want. Well, that's, like, the basis of this account, it seems. Maybe you were allowed to post it, but you also should take it down if someone asks. Girl, I prescribe...

Maybe a joint. There is like nothing you can do but DM them and ask them to remove it. And maybe like call Instagram or something. And get yourself a nice new bikini. Yes. To rid yourself of the memories. Treat yourself. Retail therapy. Do you ever believe in that? 100%. I retail therapy it the fuck out. I believe in retail therapy more than regular therapy. Yeah. I think. I told you this. My therapist called me. It works every time. While I was recording this. And I was like oh my god hi blank. You should have them on. I know. She told me I wasn't allowed to say her name and she wouldn't say hi to the pussy because it breaks confidentiality.

And I was like, got it. That like actually makes sense. But like, whatever. Am I going too fast? No, I'm loving it. Okay, great. Sometimes when I like drink this drink, you guys know what it is. I go really fast and like I don't, I'm not cognizant of like other people's feelings. No, I'm loving it. Keep going. Okay, amazing.

I matched with this guy on hinge recently and everything has been going great. I haven't read this one previously, by the way. So like I'm reacting with you. I love it. And been flowing naturally. Okay. So she matched with this guy on hinge and everything's been going great and flowing naturally. Amazing. I am a virgin. Okay. Queen. And have been waiting until I felt close enough to a man to have sex with him. I feel like I'm ready to lose it to him, but I don't know when would be the best time or moment to open up about being a virgin. Okay. You know what girl? I'm actually the right person to ask about this because, um,

Can I TMI really quickly? Do you mind? I would love it. When I lost my virginity, I was 21 and it was to a 39-year-old. And I actually told him right before the deed was done. So, you know, this is something you just got to feel about. Better than right after. I mean, that wouldn't have been okay. I think, though, it's your thing to own and to tell and to keep. So I think you got to worry more about you than worrying about them, I think would be my advice.

Okay. Is that a prescription of sorts? Yeah. But also I feel like we need to drop the like met on hinge. That's just how people meet now. I wouldn't factor that in. You're perfect. You know? Yeah. Okay. We'll leave you at that. That was amazing. And a new bikini as well. Yes. And a new bikini. Oh. Sorry. I read this. My boyfriend of four months went on my phone and began blocking male contacts without telling me, including close friends and classmates.

Is this a deal breaker? Yes. Immediately break up. Yeah, I would break up with him immediately. If he's doing that after four months, it's not getting better. Yes. It's not getting better. It's getting worse. It's not getting better. It's getting worse. Yeah. Break up and do something bad to him. Yeah, okay. Like what? I don't know. What would hurt your feelings as a straight white guy?

Man, it's hard to hurt our feelings. Really? That's nice. You know, unfortunately for other people. Yeah. I think the best thing you could do is break up with him and never talk to him again. Okay. Like, don't, like, no... Like, would that kill you if someone never spoke to you again? If I liked them enough to... Block, yeah. Yeah, for sure. But it sounds like anything would kill this guy. Okay, yeah. He sounds very killable. He's, like, sensitive. He sounds very killable. You know what? Speaking of killable, I was just...

Are you afraid of people breaking into your house at night? Does that get you? All the time. I used to be, and then I kind of realized how killable I am. No, I'm the most killable. If you break into my house and try to... It's done. It's game over. You can do it under me. It actually helped me. But I do have plans of attack. Like what? I pretend to be sleeping. Interesting strategy. Or I hide under my bed. Okay, that's a little bit better. Because I'm like, no way he's going to see under the bed. Only the first place they check. Or...

I actually calling the police is the third thing. Okay. Cause like oftentimes when I call the police. In that order. All the, oftentimes when I call the police, they pull me, they put me on hold. Oh, are you calling the police a lot? Like I've done it two or three times. Okay. Over like things. And they're. I like definitely like witnessed crimes and been like, ooh, I definitely got to call the police. And they're putting you on hold. Like 911. On hold. And I'm like, what if I was dying? It is a good point. Yeah. Yeah.

Every time I see an ambulance in traffic, I'm just like, they're fucked. This takes so long. Want to hear the craziest story ever? Yeah. Okay. So have you ever thought about what the fuck do you do if you're an ambulance and you're in traffic? Oh, is that what you just said? Yeah. Did your foot fall asleep? Yeah, I think so. But have you ever thought, so you've thought about that before? Every time. Do you want to hear one of the worst cases of that ever happening? Oh man, unfortunately I do. Okay. Okay.

I think it was, who was the mayor of New Jersey? He tried to run for whatever and he like lost his mind. Was it Giuliani? He was New York. It was Chris. Cuomo? No. What the fuck was his name? Chris Appleby? Hold on. Chris Appleby is a hell of a name. Mommy, who was the guy that ran for like, he was like mayor of New Jersey or something? Chris blank.

Okay, and he shut down the Washington Bridge, right? And people, yes, okay. Guys, okay, love you. Chris Christie. And he shut down the George Washington Bridge or something, and it ended up being like, I don't know why he did it. Anywho, ambulances got stuck in the traffic and died. Oh, bad way to go. Bad way to go? You were in the ambulance. Bad way to go. I don't know if there's a good way to go, but that is a bad way to go. Oh, I've thought about the good ways to go. Although, maybe it's, I mean, it's,

It's a way to go that didn't need to happen. Unnecessary way to go. But as far as places to die. Be so frustrated if I was in a fucking ambulance. Sure, sure, sure. But at least you have like medical attention. But you know what it's making me think? Maybe they can give you a little something and send you on your way. Why isn't there like machines in the back? Oh, I guess there is. Like if you're stuck in traffic. They must have cover up. I'm assuming they have to have thought of this. They must. There's like two things that can happen. And like traffic is one of them. Traffic, yeah. Yeah.

I guess the other is not traffic. Yeah, the other would be like crashing. Yeah. And then you're dying either way. Oh, so what do we prescribe? What was the question? What was the question? I honestly don't know if this girl needs a prescription. Oh, break up with him. Oh, yeah. It's over. It's over. My best friend has two best friends. Me and this other guy. I want him, but I think she really doesn't want us together. What do I do? Emmy. Hi, Emmy. Oh, Emmy. My ex-girlfriend's name is Emmy. Really? I wonder if it's her. Oh!

Shut up. Can you imagine? How does your girlfriend spell it? With a Y at the end. How is there how many M's? There's two. Okay, this one only has one. Only one? Yeah. Emy. Is that Emy?

Or it's her initials. E-M-Y. Yeah. It could still be Emmy. Right. Emmy. We're going to call you Emmy. Okay. So her best friend. Okay. I mean, I don't think it's worth ruining the friendship over, but like that's just me. I was going to say if you're going to go for it, you better be fucking sure. Yeah. Like you better be sure that this is like at least like a let's call it a three year relationship. Right. It's going to really be worth it.

Otherwise, there's a lot of other guys out there. Yeah, and it's giving Euphoria. I would actually prescribe Euphoria season two because that's when Cassie – did you watch Euphoria season two? No, but I did season one. You haven't seen season two? No. I just – when it takes too long in between, it's out. I think you should watch it. Okay. I will. It's definitely not as good as season one. Season one was, like, amazing, but, like, it's good. Cassie hooks up with Nate, spoiler alert, and –

I think you should watch it. Let me tell you what happens. That's what I'm going to prescribe to you because like Cassie ruins her relationship with Maddie. So I'm prescribing euphoria season two. Great. So I've been with my boyfriend for four years, but I feel like he treats me like a friend and doesn't show romantic interest me in me anymore, unless he sees competition or feels like I'm going to break up with him. Ooh, that's not good. That's not good. What are your thoughts? Ooh, um,

I think a big old honest conversation. I think something that I would do is I would like give them an out and see if they take it. Like if you're not happy in this, like I want to, I just want to know. Right. Create like an offer for them to get out of the relationship and make sure they're really sure that they're in it. But you also don't need to feel like this. Yeah. I think anyone that's unhappy in their relationship, unless you like have kids, but even then, like you don't need to be in it. Uh-huh. Like you can make a change. Yeah. She, I mean, it sounds like she's like,

I all in love. It also sounds like there's also some stuff you're not telling us. You think? Yeah, that's kind of what I got from it. Okay. I think there's some other stuff going on. I think she knows deep down. Aquarius know all. Exactly. Aquarius know all. I think they know deep down what to do. Yeah, that's over. Damn. So what do we prescribe? I would prescribe Crazy Stupid Love, the movie, just to remind yourself what real love looks like. Okay. Love. Never seen that movie, but you know what? What? I'm going to see it now. I know. Pairs really well with red wine. Really? Mm-hmm.

been into wine lately and I usually hate wine. Tell me about it. I, well, I, okay, so this is like kind of like how I adapt to things. Like I used to hate sushi and then, yeah, I know. And then I start off like easy, like cucumber rolls and I like for like make my way into things. So I started off, have you ever had a Riesling? Of course. So yeah, I didn't know this existed. So I started having Riesling and I'm like, oh my God, this tastes like apple juice. Very sweet. Yeah. So I'm like, this is what I'll start off with. And it's allowed me to like kind of get into other stuff. But like, I also love

red wine with like Italian food. I mean, yeah. Are you Italian? I'm not Italian. What are you? I'm Hungarian, Polish, and Russian. I'm Russian! Wow, look at us. Oh my god, I knew we were getting along for a reason. Oh my god, you don't have anxiety? I guess it skips a generation sometimes. Damn! No, I do. I do. I should have known by your last name. I just like suppressed anxiety. I don't really let it come to this. Okay, okay.

Our roommate picks up so many goddamn gross men at the bar every weekend and brings them back. And those scum of the earth, leech-sucking human beings sleep on our couch. How do we get rid of her? Hold on. She's bringing guys back and they're sleeping on the couch? Yeah, and they're like, how do we get rid of her? Like, we hate her. Like, we don't even pass the point of these ugly, leechy men. Like, we need her. So it's not about... It's about... It's like this is the final straw with your roommate. Well, as I've said...

I'm very blessed to love my roommates, but I know of situations. Did you go to college? For a year. Where'd you go? UPenn. Damn. Okay. For a year. Okay, well, did you have a roommate? I had two roommates, but they were my best friends. See, are they still your best friends? Take your time. Yep. Oh, my God. Do you ever get scared when you're reaching for something that you're going to dislocate your shoulder? Almost every time. Yeah, every time. And that's my number one fear, by the way. And I never have.

Nor have I really heard of that happening to anyone. Oh, I feel like everyone growing up when I was younger, like used to dislocate their shoulders. Where did you grow up? Hastings-London, New York. And everyone was always dislocating their shoulders. And I imagine like your shoulder being popped out and having to. Oh, no, it sucks. It definitely sucks. I don't want it to happen. No, I would die. One time I broke my wrist when I was super drunk and they had to pop it back in and I threw up all over the nurse. Oh, there's a lot of good parts to that story. Yeah, it was bad. In a very short amount of time.

Um, like what, like, like give me a little more. Um, I was on my friend's shoulders and on the concrete of New York and I fell like this and they were like, you're fine. And I was like, really? And my hand was like this big. Sometimes when you're drunk, it is hard to tell how injured you are. I'm so drunk. And you know what I was drinking? Have you ever had a Long Island iced tea? I mean, not in a while. I haven't had them since then, but that's, that was my Long Island iced tea night. That's like a see you tomorrow type of a drink. Yeah. Fuck. And I was going to stop drinking, but.

I've decided that that's actually not happening anymore. Congratulations on your decision. I was going to stop. I really was. And then I was like, this isn't happening. Wait, how did we get here? What were we talking about? I don't even remember what the question was. This room doesn't cue. It's literally insane. It's really nice in here, though. I do like it. It's, like, cozy. Oh, have you met Cassandra? Oh, hi, Cassandra. Cassandra, this is Alexander. How did you guys meet? Um...

I forget. We met like a year and a half ago. That's very nice. She was one of my first plush puss. And then that's Thera Puss. That's Thera Puss. Yes. And then I also have ETP, Extraterrestrial Puss. Very nice. Puss Shirin. Mm-hmm.

That's my favorite. It's over. And then I have Penelopuss, who's OG. Like, she's the first one. Incredible. Neville Papperpuss. Mm-hmm. And Bougie Puss. Very nice. And I think that's it. I think that's all my – oh, Key Puss because it's a key chain. Mm-hmm. And then I have Pomp Puss because it's a Pomeranian inside a puss costume.

Incredible. And then I have... Yeah, I think that's all my pusses. Do you feel like there's a puss you're missing? Is there something you're looking for? I feel it in my bones. I mean, the original one's name is Odell. Odell. Yes. I don't know where Odell went, though. I think I gave him to Alice, my friend. And there was no, like, Odell puss? Or Puss Odell? I miss Odell. Wait, I think this actually might be Odell. And I think I just renamed her Passandra and, like, regendered her as well. Hold on. Did you write...

Jelly cat. No, she has no name tag. That's not my fault then. This is Passandra. That's Passandra then. Passandra is like, she knows she's my favorite, which is annoying because like she's like annoyed about it and like always demands to be here. But this is new puss. I think I'm going to name. Do you want to name it? Oh my God. I thought you never asked. What are you going to name them? Can I? Aquaropus. Oh my God. Is that okay?

Like you're assigned to hang out with creatives, you guys, seriously. Like, oh, this is a queripus. Hi, queripus. Oh my God, hi, queripus. And look, it looks, yes. Look, it's like fresh out the womb. Yeah, you do with the blue. That's a queripus. Okay, Cassandra, don't get jealous. Shut up. She's so annoying, seriously. Okay, where were we? What were we talking about? Oh, do you want to send away your roommate for being the worst?

You need to have an honest conversation with her because if you just fuck her behind her back, like that's going to suck and it's going to make you guys look bad even if you're not the villain. Yeah, and it sounds like you don't really care about being friends after. So I just say it how it is. But it sounds a little bitchy, which is giving me a little bit of anxiety for the roommate. Do you know what I mean, Louise?

It's giving me a little bit of I just I've seen people get fucked over so hard in living situations. And I really don't want that to happen to this girl. You don't need to fuck him over. You can like give him, you know, whenever your lease is up. Yeah. Like, you know, six weeks before. Are you a confrontational person? I'm not. I think the older I get, the more I am. It's really hard for me. It's really hard. Kind of I like and kind of freaks me out a little bit. Yeah.

So I used to not be at all, and now I think I'm okay with it. I'm not looking for it, but I'm okay with it. Right. It bugs me out. I can't do it. So I prescribe – every time I get a roommate question, I always prescribe the same thing. The roommate with Leighton Meester, it's about this roommate, and she finds her, and she's obsessed with her, and then she kills her. Sounds apt. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, this is the last one. Are you ready? I'm so ready. I think my identical twin is in love with my long-term boyfriend. She's single, so we invite her to do stuff with us and hang out, but sometimes I feel like she's a little too comfortable tagging along with us. Babe, she's your twin. She makes weird jokes and says he's her boyfriend too because we're twins. What do I do? Okay, respectfully, like my best friend Julia, her boyfriend, like I say that that's my boyfriend. That's my boyfriend. I mean, I'm curious for the twin. It sounds like the twin doesn't have a boyfriend. Yeah, and she's lonely. Yeah.

I think you got to, I would prescribe a boyfriend for your twin. Yes, I would also prescribe a boyfriend for your twin. I think all this melts away. And since she's your identical twin, like, you guys love each other regardless, like, you can say to her, like, girl, like. Or just share. Are you addicted to my boyfriend? Like, what's happening? Yeah. Or share. Just share. Yeah.

Maybe that. But I think I would be like, girl, like, what's really going on? Like, you know what I mean? Like, but also that makes her seem crazy. I wouldn't put that in the air because you can't take that back. And it'll ruin your relationship forever. You know what? Actually, have your boyfriend find her a boyfriend. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And honestly, like, maybe she just loves you and she's holding on to you. You know what I mean? I think so. Like, you know, like, it's not always that she wants –

Your boyfriend, but like, I mean, I don't know. I'm biased because I call my friends' boyfriends my boyfriend. Like, I texted my friend's boyfriend. I think there's something really nice about that. Yeah. Do you want to hear my text with my friend's boyfriend the other day? Yeah. Why haven't you wished me a happy Valentine's Day or checked in on me? I'm your boyfriend too. And I kept posting how sad I was all day.

And then he said, I'm coming over right now. Oh, that's really nice. No, he's the best. He's a good boyfriend. He's the best. I think you're more confrontational than you think. And then I said to him, like, I want to die. And he said, it's 1130 a.m. What's wrong with you? And I said, my boyfriend didn't wish me a happy Valentine's Day. That's what's wrong with me. That's fair. And that's him. He didn't wish me a fucking happy Valentine's Day. You got to break up with him. I know. I think I do. I think you got to break up. I think I do.

So what do we prescribe? Oh, you know what I prescribed this girl with the twin problem? Uh-huh. The parent trap. Oh, my God. Easy. Yeah. Easy. Yeah. There are twins in that movie. There are twins. Yep. I'm trying to think of like another movie. Oh, any Mary-Kate and Ashley movie ever. Were you a Mary-Kate and Ashley kid? I don't know exactly what that means, but I think so, potentially.

Are you for serious? Unfortunately, yeah. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. No, I know what they are. Who they are, sorry. Who are they? The twins. From what? From what? Full House? You, like, really saved yourself. What do you mean I saved myself? I knew the whole time. They are the most iconic beings to be on this earth. They started on Full House as the baby. We got to give them as a feature on the album. Sorry, that's my breathing alarm. Don't forget. Breathe.

Is that like a same time every day thing? Every day, 12 and 6. That's really nice. Yeah, no, it's the only thing my last therapist did for me. Really nice. She was really bad. She was TikTok famous. Really? Yeah, once I figured that out. She would have come on the show. Yeah. Honestly? That's not a bad idea. Should I have her on the show? That's funnier if it's your ex-therapist. I know. I ghosted her too. Oh, you could talk about that. I know. It was pretty gnarly. Wow, that would be her piss. I just stopped. That would be her therapist. I felt bad, but once I found out that she was also a TikToker, I was like, I don't know if I can...

Go to you as my therapist. Cause like my current therapist is like, doesn't even know what TikTok is. And it's like so removed. Could you date another person who's on TikTok? I don't know. Could you like in your field? I have, you have, it is, there's, there's challenges to it. I'm not, I wouldn't rule it out. Right. But I don't know if it's, it's not something I'm like looking for necessarily. Right. Right. I think. Damn.

I think it's a little hard. I don't know if I would want to date someone who does the same thing I do. Well, because the whole purpose of my being is that I'm the center of attention. Do you know what I mean? I do. Like, I'm like, oh my God, I feel like I'm like scaring you. Not at all. Are you having fun? I'm having so much fun. Sorry, I need to do like my check-in, like where I make sure my guests have fun. No, go and check in. I am absolutely having fun. Okay, great. Good. Aligned. But like my thing is like I need to be the center of attention. Like I need to be the funniest one in the relationship. And like if I was dating like another comedian per se, like that would be really hard for me.

What if you loved them so much that them being funny meant more to you than being funny? I literally have chills thinking about that. Like, that would be amazing. And, like, that is the end goal. So, like, if a comedian can make me fall in love with them, like, that hard. Like, that is, like, what I would like. But, like, I think it would be hard to have someone else also want to be the center of attention at all times. Yeah, I get that. That makes sense. Makes a lot of sense. It's like I'm sick with it. Like, sick with it. Like, I literally, like...

The reason Valentine's Day was so bad is because inherently, like, there is nothing to do with me about it. Like, I don't have a boyfriend. All my friends have boyfriends. I was like, oh, my God, like, everyone is busy today.

No one can give me the time of day. So what type of people have you been attracted to? If it's not. Like any guy that presents like a straight guy. Ah, I see. It's just my fatal flaw. Got it. It's just my fatal flaw. Yes. It's incredible. Have you ever heard of that happening before? Yeah. It's incredibly common. Yeah. It's just my fatal flaw. I wonder why that is. I think it's like a self-hatred thing. Oh. I don't know. I wasn't going to jump to that, but. There's a lot of things that go into it. Uh-huh.

Can we sing a song? I would really. Okay, let's go sing a song! Okay. I'm so excited. If you tell me what kind of a feel you're looking for, I can give it to you. We can start there. Okay, so how does that work? Like, a feel? Like, do you want it to be more country? Yes! Or do you want it to be more punk rock? This seriously happened to me. Or we could do more Coldplay. Oh my god. Okay.

No, no. What do you think fits the Jet- You know, no. You're my creative partner. What do you think fits the Jet Blue vibe? Okay, so I think it would be nice to do kind of a juxtaposition. Because the lyrics are so direct and angry. Okay. So maybe if it sounded a little sweeter. Okay. That would be nice. So like what would that- Yes. You know, maybe, yeah, like- You must record this. Jet Blue shows a- Guys! Two, one, two, three. Jet Blue shows a different hue of lying-

My luggage has received. Clothes are gone. Thank God for my mattress. I wouldn't have made it to dawn. To dawn. Yes! Blue's just a different you. A malicious intent. My baggage is probably in a fucking van. In a fucking van. Okay, chorus. Blue, Jet Blue, Jet Blue. Where do I begin with you?

Jet blue, jet, oh, jet blue. Where do I begin with you? I hate you so much. Was it good? Was it good? I love you. Look, I've worked with a lot of really talented people, but I've never met.

Someone as natural as you. No way. I need to get in the studio with you, please. We're doing the whole album. October 20th. Puss in Poems coming October 27th. Pussies, give a shout out to Alexander23. Thank you for being here. I love you so much. Thank you for having me. This is how it ended up. Thank you for having me. I almost shit because this was amazing. Alexander, I love you. I love you too. Thank you. All clothes are gone. Thank God for my mattress. I wouldn't have made it to dawn.