Walking in a Witchlight Wonderland | A Yuletide One-Shot | Part 2
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Welcome to Legends of Evandris.

you were rocketing through the snow and winding between fir trees. As some of the things that Apogee Greenbead said to you. - Incredible. - Yeah, Apogee Greenbead. As you think about some of the things that he said to you about the fact that these smells have been dampened, the overall use of the earth

Yuletide cheer has been dampened and that the children have gone missing and that the snow has stopped falling. And you think about this for a little bit before you are focused by the trees just rushing past you. And eventually you find yourselves shooting out of a large thicket of forest and sliding across a frozen lake.

and all surrounding it in almost like a moon shape, like here in this little hollow of trees, you find what is very clearly holly hollow. All of the cottages are made from beautiful wood and they are all decorated with bits of holly and tinsel,

Once again, there is a large tree erected in the center and as you slide into town everyone's cheering and excited for you as as you arrive have none of them having gotten the mail that was definitely sent from a Jingleberg to warn of your impending arrival and what to expect. So everyone is still incredibly excited for you to be here. As very similarly to the first to Jingleberg

You find yourselves sliding into town, making a couple of loops around the Yule tree in the center, and then another fey dwarf named Keith, strange that there would be another one, and yet there is. Keith helps you to once again set up your Yemlings.

And you are all there getting yourselves ready for the signing. The lactose intolerance seems to have gone away in the winds. Oh, thank God. All of the things that were afflicting you as you existed in Jingleburg are now gone. But as you settle into this town, you feel that same strange magic overcome you. I need...

Only one of you did a good deed, and that was Bitsy. No, Torbek did a good deed as well. I shot Torbek's teeth open so he could breathe. Torbek gets to roll because Torbek did less bad deeds, but tied for good. He's such a nice guy. I showed a straw in his bloody throat! Yes, you did. A one. Oh good, this'll be the best one. It could be. Or it might not be. Keith. Well no.

- Does this Keith look the same? - You're Garthulu. - Sovereign servant Keith, she never said it was gone. - Yes she did. - No, she specifically said that the-- - Just the lactose intolerance. - Yeah, it's all gone. - All of the other effects are gone. - So all of, you're a clean slate.

There's piss all over the sled. As you begin-- It's the prom! It's part of my character. It's the prom, it's my character right here. It's part of my prom. There's a part of me that doesn't want to let you guys have this one because it's just gonna be awful. I can reroll. No! That was good. No, you all act like Karens. Oh, jeez. Keith! Keith!

Keith! I sent ahead for green M&M's and I don't see any green fucking M&M's here.

- I didn't get a notice from Jingle Keith. - It was in our contract, Keith. - Jingle Keith. - I think you have-- - It was in our fucking contract. Did anyone think to show you our fucking contract? - You don't need to cuss, all right? There are kids present. And Jingle Keith did not send me a contract or any special requests. We're actually awaiting notice from Jingle Keith as to how things went in Jingleburg.

Also, we don't need to curse, but we're going to. Yeah, I don't care. You're harassing me. You're harassing me by telling me not to curse. We can't keep this up this long. We're going to need you to back up a little bit. We'll do oops all cairns for a little bit. Don't come any closer. Please back up. All right. Do you have a manager? We'll speak to your manager. Wait, what's your name tag? What's your phone name, Keith?

- Holly Keith. - Holly Keith? Holly Keith, we're gonna have you fired from this establishment. I hope you know that. - This is my home. - I hope you know that you're gonna get-- - Not for long. - You are gonna go into exile and you have lost a couple of people

You have lost a customer. I am gonna go on to my thefacebook.com, thebookface.com and tell all of my friends to never come to Hollyburg and never deal with Keith, Holly Jolly Keith ever again. - Chuckles is right. We're very influential and people listen to us. - We're here to sign autographs and say, "Chuckles, Chuckles, poor crimes."

- Do you know where? Any contract? We'll walk! We will walk! - And then you'd have a lot of explaining to do, Keef. - It'll all be your fault, Keef. - I think y'all need some eggnog. And he puts a big pitcher of eggnog in front of you. - You're fired, Keef.

From my home? This minus, this minor inconvenience means that you deserve to lose your entire livelihood. You understand? Thank you for the eggnog! This is disgusting! This hasn't been knocked at all! And just because we accept the free eggnog doesn't mean that we won't take more comp things. LAUGHTER

The only thing I taste in this eggnog is your ignorance. You are made to be. I will have some too. This is going in my Yelp review. Yeah!

- I bet you didn't know we were Yelpers. - And as you finish the eggnog, you feel that fucking twist go away. That curse is gone. - As we finish back, I'm like, just type, "Yelp, one out of five stars. "The food was absolutely excellent "and the appetizers were delicious. "It was incredible, but the waitress had chipped fingernails."

And she looked at me nastily. And zeroed the little expensive one star. The food was delicious, though. You hate this. It's not helpful. No one cares. Oh, it was crowded during happy hour.

- Everything was perfect, one star. - It was perfect, amazing. - One star. - Oh God. - This dog is actually pretty good. - Yeah, that was excellent. - Yeah, this is nice. - Yeah, well done.

- Yeah. - I'm not myself unless I've had my own health. - Yeah, sorry, it's because we've lost control of our own lives and now we're at a point where it's too late to really start over and we're trapped in loveless marriages and we feel lack of control in our own lives and that gives accidental dread and we lash out to try to control situations and that's why we act that way. - It's our own impotent rage.

trying to escape, but unfortunately, despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage. - We get a little bit of power and you know, we just have to make other people's lives hell. - I'm gonna go ahead and let the people in to meet you guys, I guess. - Wait, hold on, lads.

I left me chunk in Jingleberg. Let's go back and also save all those missing kids. I finally feel like I have a moment of clarity. I just got post-null clarity. Only one problem. First off, how far is it? Second of all, I'm pretty sure it's uphill the whole way. Well, as long as we hit one of those, like, magical frozen piss boost zones, we'll be there in two seconds. Yeah, it was just one shotgun blast.

- Wait, we can go back real easy. - Holly Keith, we're really sorry. Dingo Keith will probably have nice things to say about us. He was a real gem.

Yeah, well, we'll see what Jingle Keith has to say when I get his message. Is anything going wrong in this town? Yeah. We're trying to do good now. We're looking for missing kids. I'm going to go ahead and open up the line. Oh no, the autograph, it's already played out. Oh.

I guess you should have saved some of your material knowing there were four towns to do this in. And he's gonna open up the line and you have a group of people that are gonna make their way through. How is Hollybug? I always come back. It's nice to meet you. It's all chuggles, chuggles. It's nice to meet you. Yes, that is authentic piss smell.

Oh yeah. That's canon now. That's just how Torbjorn smells. Oh, you like my sweater? Thanks, it's actually a thrift find. I have no idea what it is. Oh, big speed, no, you spelled it wrong. Let me just fix that for you, yep. All right, here you go. Oh, before I sign your thing, has there anything been terrible going on? Who are you asking?

The person that I'm signing, the random NPC, whose name is... It's just a tall, close figure with no face on his side. Bitsy specifically asked for a specific type of NPC. What kind of person are you talking to? I'm looking for someone who might be like...

There's a 14, 15-ish year old boy standing in front of you. He passes his autograph book over to you, but he's not making eye contact with anyone or paying much attention to what you guys are writing as you address him.

Yeah, we're trying to figure out if there's a strange mystery, like any kind of monsters or ne'er-do-wells or anything going wrong that we can help. We're really trying to get out of this whole autograph thing. We're bored of it already. You could just, like, not do the rest of them. Like, why do you have to go to the other towns? Don't we have a contract? I don't know. Did you sign one?

Briggsie indicated earlier that we had a contract and that we were supposed to get green M&Ms, which we did not receive. No, definitely didn't get those. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of green M&Ms and puts them on the table. Oh, thank you! I was saving those for later. Oh, huh, peanut. You should call our agent. Oh, who's our agent? Is that Jerry? Maybe that's Jerry. Yo, Jerry. How you doing? Can you talk? Yeah, you're stuck in traffic. You have time to talk.

Yeah, I know you're very busy. So we're doing this fucking signing. Ask them about the M&Ms. There's like piss everywhere and shit, and they didn't have green M&Ms. What the fuck, man? We got it from some random teenager. Oh, yeah. Oh, so you talked to all the Keiths and you said M&Ms? Well, they didn't do it. Anyway, things got out of hand. Anyway, can we just not do the last two signings? Yeah, there's like a strange mystery, and I think that we need to solve it and save Decemberween.

What happens if we break our contract? What is the penalty? That's not so bad. That's not so bad. Okay, thanks. How's the wife doing?

Good, good. Kid, you sell that dog? Yeah, that's nice. The NPC walks away. You have that house? Oh, no, you got a new place. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if the kid moves out, you don't need that much space. You're right, you're right. Okay. Ask him if there's any updates on me getting on Witchlight. Oh, oh. Any word from Once Upon a Witchlight about Bitsy joining? You're right.

And I'll walk over. No, I know she's right next to me. Right next to me. Hold on. You're breaking up. You're breaking up, Keith. I mean, Jerry. You're breaking up, Jerry. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, he says that he feels like he's very close. Okay. Okay, cool. Oh! Any updates on the air chuckles deal? Oh, any updates on the air chuckles deal now that I have you? Okay.

- Uh, they're driving a hard bargain. I understand. I believe in you. I trust you. Yeah, no, I know. I know. I know. We'll squeeze them. We'll squeeze them. You gotta buy the nuts, Jared. You gotta buy the nuts. I trust you. Okay, cool. We're probably just gonna bag this whole Reds thing and save it for December. Okay! - Did Bad Dragon have any feedback on the photos I sent them?

Oh no, he's gotta go. He's gotta go to the thing. What? Okay, okay, okay. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. Goodbye Keith. goodbye

Well, we gotta make a choice. Are we gonna commit ourselves to these autograph signings or are we gonna-- Are we gonna go find these missing children? Did you get regular green M&M's or green peanut M&M's?

- I didn't give you any M&Ms, but if you took M&Ms from Duncan, that kid that you were just talking to, that sad kid. - Oh yeah. - Whose parents wish that he were a girl.

Yeah, if you took his M&M's, he only eats peanut M&M's. Well, that's part of our contract, that we ask for peanut M&M's. They're the best ones. Why the fuck would we ask for regular green M&M's? Yeah, ever since I got the medicine that makes me not allergic to peanuts, it's been no problem. I've been eating peanuts for the whole week. It's true.

Uh-oh. Well, we should probably go get me chump. What do you think, fellas? What? No, no, Torbeck doesn't bathe. Even if Torbeck did bathe, he wouldn't tell you his bath water.

That's it guys, we're getting out of here! These people are perverts! - I'm overpaid! - Dermot can't be treated like this! - Yeah, it's said, just because we turned the Krampus into Krampus, that doesn't really work. Just because we got rid of old Krampus and gave Gryla what for? - Can you roll a d12 for me please? - Me? - Yeah. - Nine.

You can keep going. Oh. Oh. Just because we did all that doesn't mean that we should fulfill our contract. You start crampusing. Oh! Cherry said, Cherry said, that we can go ahead and save December Ween. And then he wants us to, he wants us to have drinks with the folks who can maybe make air chocolate. That's a pretty good deal, right? Maybe some apps, some tapas.

Craving. Is that a write-off? Are they paying for it, or are we? They're very clear. "Praguey?" Yeah? "Dormag doesn't want to alarm anyone, "but Chuckles looks like he's in horrific pain "and bitsy while she's rapidly swelling."

Not again. Why are we getting so ill? You know what? I wonder if it's because biologically we weren't meant for this plane of existence and that because of the lack of our own fey nature, it is our body finally rebelling like the end of War of the Worlds where the Martians slowly died to the Earth's atmosphere through the small bi- Are we gonna die?!

Jeff comes for us all, Toolback, and more of my flesh slips off. And I take my arm away and my hand's still on your shoulder. Ow, sorry. You're about halfway through the line at this point. Keith, could you just cut off the line? Cut off the line. We gotta find the bit through your foot.

People have been waiting all day. I can't cut off the line. All right, keep sending them through. Okay, we're going to form a poffy. We're going to form a poffy, and that's how we're going to utilize this.

- Any kind of mysterious happenings going on? Oh, anything missing? Strange happening? Oh, if there's anyone? Every single person that comes through that I'm signing for, I wanna ask some very vague but slightly related questions. - People seem very concerned with Bitsy's state of being and also with Chuckle's state of being, but you eventually, you eventually find yourself with a, like a,

six to eight year old girl standing in front of you. And she looks incredibly excited. She has a dead alligator, a dead crocodile mask on. She's clearly Briggsies number one fan. Oh, wow. And she is, she's standing in front of you just like shaking with joy to have you sign something for her. Hello, little girl. Is that a mask of me?

Does that mean you know what I'm from? Yeah, you're Briggsie. How do you spell Briggsie? Double G-S-Y. That's right. What's my full name? Nicholas Cratch. Oh, my God. I don't believe it. Oh, my gosh. I got it wrong. It's Cap'n. Briggsie Nicholas Cratch. Well, not in the current part of the canon. I'm not really much of a Cap'n anymore. No, but in my mind, you're always a Cap'n. What's a Cap'n all about?

I appreciate that little girl. What's your name? Oh, my name's Plume Pearswick. I'm sorry, did you say boom? Plume. Oh, Plume, I thought you said boom. I thought it was boom. Like B-O-O-M, Plume. No, Plume. Oh, Plume, all right. Yeah. Plume Pearswick. How about just Plume? Yeah. For Plume, anything that you'd like me to say?

Um, um, oh gosh, really anything, Briggsie? Really anything, Captain? Uh, for the eternal cutthroat. That's me. Briggsie to cut the scratch. Am I a cutthroat too? Aye. You're an honorary cutthroat. I'm going to steal things my mom doesn't even know it yet. Well, don't actually steal anything. I already did. Well, what did you steal?

- She has a little bag at her side that's shaped like a treasure chest, and she opens it and you can see what, very clearly, her grandmother's reading glasses. You can see some knitting needles. You can see her mom's purse. - Oh, jeez. - She's been pilfering things from home for quite a while. - Oh.

I think this elevates you to the really bad eggs club. Let me just update that real quick. Well done. I'm a really bad egg? Yeah, you're a real bad egg. Oh my gosh. It's all if ever wanted. The day I was born, I knew I was a baddie. Well, don't say it like that. I'm not sure how to respond to this. Oh my god.

Speaking of which, have you happened to notice any of your friends missing? Oh, yeah. Oh, really? I thought for a while maybe I still remember sleeping. I didn't notice. But I didn't. Do you know anything about why they're missing or where they're going? Well, I got a pen pal with someone who's in Jingleburg. They're also bad egg. Oh, right. And, you know, we talk about all of our petty crimes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And how we're going to, you know, one day become...

Well, we're gonna go to the Court of Coral, you see, and we're gonna become infamous pirates. Oh, sail the high seas. That's exactly what I would do. Exactly, and kill someone. That's right. And so... Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And so...

You know, we talk about these things all the time, like what was stolen and stuff, but we use pirate language that we made up on our own. Oh, pirate language. Yeah. Like secret, super secret, cool, coded pirate language. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not anything dumb and stupid like Thieves' Can. Oh, Thieves' Can is dumb and stupid as fuck. Yeah, so dumb and stupid. It's talking about vegetables the whole time. I know, that's what I'm saying, too. What idiots. Losers, frankly. Everybody can say vegetable names. Yeah, Doug Rudabaker, who the fuck knows? That's not very Thieve-like. They think people...

I don't know what they're saying, but-- Like a den of thieves would just show up and talk about fucking vegetables, it's ridiculous. It just seems so unlikely. Who would you, like, you know when, you know, you know that they're rogues. I'm with you. Yeah, you're so much cooler. They say you're not supposed to meet your heroes, but they're full of shit. Oh my god, is that a bad word? Oh no, that's okay, I'll let that one slide. All right, cool. What did you get from the can? Shut up!

Sorry about that, little girl. You think he's going to die? You think I get to watch a death right in front of my eyes? No, I think he'll pull through. He always does. He always does. Anyway, continue. Yeah, so anyway...

So 12 days ago, the festival of Yuletide started happening, you know? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Kids started going missing immediately. Oh, wow. And so what I found out from Jeremy in Jingleburg is that they noticed that from the night the kids started going missing and everything started happening, that there were out of, like, let's say a house had a kid stolen from it, you know? Uh-huh.

From the window. Okay. There were cat paw prints in the snow. But not like little cat paw prints. Like...

But big. Whoa. But like not a real cat though. But like a big cat. Yeah. Like a real big cat. Yeah. Not a really big cat, but a big cat that's real. But not like a real cat that happens to be big, but like a cat that's bigger than other cats so that it's kind of like a cat. Not to be confused with a tabaxi or a lion, but...

A cat that's way bigger than them. Like a monster cat. Yeah. All right, has there ever been any really big cat sightings here in Hollytown? No, but what's interesting about what's happening in Hollytown is that what's been happening here, we're not seeing the cat paw prints, but in all of our fireplaces of the kids' houses where the kids have been stolen, there's been cat fur found inside the fireplace.

Alright little girl, thank you for that. That's exactly what I need. Have a lovely day. Anything else you want me to sign? Alright, lovely. Oh, Anne, you won't believe this. In Mary Carey's house, she was stolen. Mary Carey's house, all of the skier was gone. Wait, Mary Carey or Coria Mary? No, Mary Carey, daughter to Harry Carey. Oh.

Mary Carey? Yeah. Unrelated to Karaya Mary? Yeah. All right. All the spoons have been licked. Oh, all right. Licked spoons, yogurt gone. Quick assign, how does one tell that spoons have been licked? Not that that's something that Torbjörn does or wants to avoid detection on in the future. Well.

I can tell you. The best way to tell is when you lick a spoon, it gets kind of misty. There's like a film on it. Duly noted for no particular reason. Continue. Anything else I should know before I let you go on your way? Well, normally I think you would probably be making your way to the other towns.

So that there could be an NPC there that you would talk to that would give you information about what's happening in each town. You might not have time for that. Probably not. Definitely not. Almost certainly not. What I'm thinking is maybe... We have top of leader. I should give you that information myself. Please do. Because I'm part of a pirate gang. Thieving children. Oh. One from each one of the villages. Oh.

And I've been in contact with all of them. So what's going on in the other two villages? Okay, well, which one do you want to know about? The next one. What's the closest? Mistletown? Mistletown. Well, in Mistletown, there's a guy named... Kroom? Sprinkle Bluefluff. Oh.

Blue coon fluff. Sprinkle. Sprinkle. He's a bad dude. Yep. Sprinkle's a bad dude. Sounds like a bad dude. Sprinkle's a bad, bad dude. Sounds like a real bad dude. Yeah, his dad told him to get off his fly pad. And I bet he's too. Yeah. And then what happened? No one's seen his dad since. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. All right, so what's happening in there? In the...

Oh, yeah, anyway. Jolly town. I was just telling you about Sprinkle so that if you got there you could like, say, "Hey, by the way, Sprinkle, "I met this really cool person in Holly Hollow." But anyway, my friend Strombo Froggyhop? Mm-hmm. Yeah, in Mistletown? Yeah, so...

All the mistletoe's gone there, and now the couples hate each other. Oh, and the kids are missing there too, yeah. Oh, that's just natural. What? That's just inevitable. Nothing out of the ordinary on that one. Yeah, love never lasts, you know, kid? Trying to figure out what happened there. I gotta look at my notes. Oh, yeah, so what was interesting there

Coming from where the chimneys are, there are drag marks in the snow, but not like a body drag marks, but like a big sack drag marks. Oh, a big sack, eh? Yeah, a big sack. Oh, wow. Like someone put their big sack in the snow and just dragged it out. And just dragged that fruit of snow.

- That would get cold. - That would get cold. - Next chapter, final chapter. - I don't know why everyone's talking about big facts, it's not like it matters or anything. - And then in the last town, in Twinkle Hill, you have people that are starving. And my friend Calico Rose Tree, what she told me was that they saw all the same things all other towns saw, but in addition to that, there were 13 sets of footprints. - 13?

And there are chickens hanging from the ceiling. No. Chickens from the ceilings? Someone threw chickens on the ceiling. And they're still up there? Don't fall back down? Not all of them. They're staying up there. Wow. Some of them fall, some of them don't. Just depends on the chicken. Wow. That's very wise of the chicken being proper. Yep.

You know, you're more omniscient than the Santamin himself. The what? The Santamin. The Santamin. I don't know what that means. He sees you when you're sleeping? He sees you. He knows when you're awake? Yeah, he comes during December ween. Torbeck is now concerned that there are 13 individuals who are committing these heinous crimes. And at least one cat.

What would make you think that? You've all been having this conversation with this nice little girl, and the entire time, the entire signature line has been getting up and over and standing next to dead bitches, getting their portrait taken, and then the next couple will come over, and I'm just... Oh, look, Mommy, she's doing this.

That one episode. That's funny. It's canon now. It's canon now. Jesus. That's dark.

And like those Victorian portraits where they pull with the dead people. Oh, wow, she was really good at that. That was a really good method. I can't believe she admitted to the bit like that. Bitsy's a real one, man. She's so great. Oh, could you say, it's canon now? Yeah, no, that's right. That's how it's said.

Anyways, I rolled Death's Saving Throats during that scene. And two things: one, I'm dead.

First off. I don't know what the fuck. I was about to say that. I pictured Plume with over the shoulder strap, like a crocheted chunk that was just hanging from her side the entire time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a cannon. That's a crap. No, absolutely. She's clearly Bitsy, or Briggsies number one fan. Yeah, yeah, I love that. She even knew me whole name. That's right.

Well, Plume, it was a pleasure to meet you. Thank you. If I need to get in contact with you and your secret pirate gang, how can I go about doing that? Um, well...

I'm not supposed to give people my shell phone number, but... Oh, you certainly shouldn't. No, no, no, no, no. We don't want it. Yeah, I'm not supposed to give strangers my shell phone number. But you're Captain Briggsian. You're not a stranger, so here's my shell phone number. I should give you a shell phone number. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. So anyway, all you have to do is call me and go, Arr!

and then we'll know that you're Captain Bruxy. - I won't need to contact you again. Thank you, I appreciate it. - I'll be waiting. - I mean. - And she looks down at her shell phone happily as she waits for the call. - I'll wait for the call, Captain. - And then she prances away. - Aye aye, matey. - The second that she's out of sight, I just take the paper and eat it. - Problem solved! - Ugh.

Well, the phantom in sure knows that she's been nodded. Yeah, it's unavoidable. She's going through a rebellious phase, obviously. I hope she turns around and stops liking a very unpopular character. She's a shit. She's a shit. Well, you know, maybe she appreciates the more, you know, nuanced campaigns. That's all I'll say. Yeah, okay. Okay. What do you think, Biff? Ridiculous. You know what I mean? Ridiculous.

- I'm gonna give you all a naughty gesture. - She gave me the whole-- - You're letting her die without doing anything. - She gave me the whole rundown.

- That was a pretty important scene happening. - Torbjorn, can you roll a d12 for me? - Yeah, Torbjorn will. Torbjorn got a two. - Do I have to roll a d12? - No, you don't. - Are you sure? I shit during a portrait. - You're also dead. - You just roll, you know what, fine. If you want one, I'll make you not eat rice. Roll a d12. - I'm still dead, but I gotta-- - I need you to roll a d4 for me, Torbjorn. - Certainly. - 11. - I got a four.

You have watched this before. You watch as Torbek's skin, or his fur changes from fur to skin as it becomes a blustering wintry blue. A white beard covered in perfect snowflakes begins to cover his face as Torbek becomes a winter eladrin overcome with his emotions, bitterness, pensiveness, and a radiating feeling of gloom.

Not! What has happened? Torbek's outside voice matches his inside voice. But I am still the same emotionally. Oh, uh, what throng three?

Torbjorn. Can you roll a d4 for me, please? Sure. It was so much sexier when Bitsy did it. Are you sure you want to know, Chuckles? What? Torbjorn will elaborate. You embody a living nightmare. You are Vampire Bitsy. He rides from the dead. Can't do! You rise from the dead as Vampire Bitsy. What has happened to me?

- Your voice is a little low, I slapped you on the back. - Oh! - There we go. - I rolled an 11. - Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm gonna have you roll again, 'cause I hated that one. - Oh, three? I can keep rolling. - Roll a d4 and then I'll see if I'm gonna have you roll again. - Oh.

What's wrong, Torbjorn? You embody a living nightmare. You become a vampire. Both of you immediately rise from the dead as vampires. What is happening? We are members of the same cult.

What equipment for vampires? Finally, Count Bitsua. Yes? Our good player has come to fruition. Yes, Chocula? We shall continue to make these children disappear and feast upon their blood. Count Chocula. Do we trust Briggsie and the Torlek? I think we must.

Make them our familiars. Yes. I will take Briggsie. Always picked last. Torbjörn can't catch a break. And vampires are so cliche and overplayed. Torbjörn!

Yes. Do you wish to join us in a mortal life? Not particularly. That's too fucking bad. LAUGHTER

This is how it's done, right, Chuckie? Christine White Snow has absolutely bathed in crimson red blood. Do we have to make

You have to make him see down there. Yes, you might see us, thou drink of your blood. He's really twitching a lot. Yes, and you say, blood of my blood, feast upon my essence and rise, rise again. Blood of my blood, feast. What, what, what? Blood of my blood, feast. Blood of my blood. Open your veins to him. Oh, yes.

- No, open your family plan. - Oh, that hurts! - Yes, yes! - It was so-- - No, you got the-- You want to be a cool family plan? - Yeah, no, it hurts a little bit. Wow, I can't believe that you told me. This really hurts a lot. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. Hold on.

Maybe I can like... Okay, okay, blood of my blood! Okay, blood of my blood! Feed! Feed, storm! Feed upon my life essence! Life essence! And rise again! Rise again! Stronger! Stronger! Plender and creature of the night! I am tired of you!

I am sorry. Oh, yeah, it built up. Does anything happen? Are you drinking of the blood? I mean, my mouth would be open. I'm like twitching. I can't really do this. There you go. He definitely drips the blood on my mouth. You know what? Fuck it. Roll a d4 for me, please.

- Two. - You don't rise as a vampire, but you do rise as a werewolf as you look up and there is no moon shining up there, but you can see it in your mind's eye. - So do I look different now? Do I look like I am now? - You look like a frost werewolf. You look like an icy, snowy, sad, pathetic werewolf. - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

What's this? What's this happen? Oh, you're turning into the white wolf. Oh no. Truly winter is coming. The sexy broody elf is now also a beast man?

I feel so young adult. You're trying to be Neo-Vietnamian! Electrum pieces will fall into our web! Richard, you're next! Come on, Chocula! Well, first I want to say, look, it's a Decemberween miracle. His blood splatters his tool bag again. Oh, wow! It's true, it does. Well, welcome to our dark world.

Cabal of creatures of the night. Oh, welcome. This was all of our plans. Do you wish to be my familiar or join us in a higher existence? We can call you Fleshy Briggsie. I thought a familiar was like a mortal servant. Oh, you cannot be my familiar because you are not mortal. Yeah, I mean, I'm already sort of like a creature of the night riding zombie thing. Well, that makes me the fucking

I mean, you can try. It's not like I got any blood pumping through me. It's just like... It's like dirt pudding. It's like gulag. It's like eating Laffy Taffy. Well, apply. Are you feeding Briggsie your blood? Are you ready for the dark?

Is this gonna work? Your dark transformation. I mean, I could use a dark transformation, but I'm just not sure it's gonna work. I'm not like normal flesh and blood, you know what I mean? Briggsie, be careful what you ask for. Torbeck is not sure that this was supposed to happen.

It's just another day that ends in Y for Torbjorn. Do you have a castle? You shut up! Are you really rich somehow, secretly? Do you have a rich uncle that left you millions? I need you to roll a d12. Torbjorn is still just a strangely transformed Torbjorn. He's suddenly not rich. 11. I sired you and you'll do as I command! I'll roll one more.

My blood made me straight to chocolate milk. - Roll it again. - But it will be delicious. - You immediately die. Roll a d100 for me, please. - Blood, my blood! - As Torvek's blood courses through your veins, you stare at him and you watch as Bitsy completely seizes up, going ghost white as she keels over dead.

And what did you get? 46. No! Count that bitch you are! You bitch! Bitch was pretty funny. I like that. Count Chuck you are, more than the death of one of our men. Can you roll a d20 for me, please? A d20? Yeah. Jesus. 14. 14.

- Hold on, sorry. This one is a little more difficult than the other one. - Yes! - Can you roll it again? I don't wanna do another Kenku. - I don't wanna do another Kenku. - Oh, you do not wanna do another Kenku. - Yeah, do a D100. - Another D100. - What are the odds that we got 12? - 12. - A regular human man. - Can you roll another D20 for me?

- Jeez! - 12. - 12. You are a Draconic Bloodline Dragonborn. - Okay, what Draconic Bloodline? - Bronze. - Okay. - Yeah, bronze, you're a bronze dragonborn. - I love the dodge action. - Wow. - Jesus. - Wow! - And you still think you're a vampire.

- Count Beechula, are you okay? - I think I will take the dodge action. - Your voice will be more a creature of the night than before. - I am a vampire. Does that mechanically benefit me in any way? - That you're a vampire? - Yes. - No. - Then I will not role play this. - What? Oh my God, shots fired, Jesus Christ.

- Oh my god. - I drank Chuckle's blood. - Oh, can you roll a d4 for me please? - It also may or may not be pure chocolate milk. - Yeah. - Chucky, Chucky milk. - Four. - You turn into, you feel yourself change as you turn into Swamp Thing.

Oh. You're expecting something nice. I'm basically exactly the same. Just come and see me. There's like a couple like leaves behind. You know what I mean? Like, you're a little bit more moist. You're kind of muddy. You look like you've just crawled out of a shipwreck. Oh, I mean, this is kind of thematic.

But this seems like the worst one. Yes, we do the right thing. I raised you wrong as a joke. Surprising absolutely no one, Torbek is not surprised to see that your dark curse cannot be defeated. The rest of Arkhabar needed someone to laugh at. There always must be a Swamp Thing. I roll a d12 for me, Chuggles.

No! Of all of these creatures of the night, you are one of the stinkiest of bitches. Jesus. A three. I love this one. Can you roll another one? You're currently doing three. You begin crampusing. Can you roll it again? You've crampused enough, I feel. Well, 12's not that many options. You can't stop stubbing your toe.

So, alright, look, you turn me. There must always be a swamp thing. What do I gotta do, like find a lagoon somewhere to lurk in for the rest of time? We must find children and induct them into our dark core. What the fuck is a lagoon anyway, compared to a man? We all must away! Oh! Oh! I love how Stubb does that just like his grandpa. That's going to leave him hard!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And you, Bitsy, tell me, now that you're some dragon, what am I supposed to do to follow you? Please give me orders. I'm sitting here languishing. Well, you have the abilities of a werewolf and the mind of a torbek. You do whatever you need to do with that. We need to find these missing children. Yes, in our cabal we will grow. Oh, Chihuahua.

What are you, fucking Italian all of a sudden? All right. We know two things.

And I just like do this. And like make this thing kind of like rustle. Is this spooky at all? Is this working?

It all just seems so pointless. Oh. What does anything matter? Why are we here? Why are we existing? Why are we trying? I'm trying to remember that exact question. Oh! Not again!

We should be able to go 12 miles if we continue at the regular marching speed. I would propose that we leave now and we may be able to make it before midnight.

That's good. This is extremely meta. No one's going to understand this reference. It's okay if you don't understand. I forget what we learned from the little guard. Oh, really? Real quick recap. And from all of the villages, children are going missing. And we know there's a large cat. We know there's a guard with a huge set of balls. And we know there's 13 little fucks stealing children. Well, 13 little fucks. Torbeck doesn't care.

Why is that so alluring to me? The apathy. I'm drawn to it for some reason. Well, I can explain the psychology. LAUGHTER

Please do, I'm confused. No, we do not have time. There simply is no time. Have we enjoyed a short rest? No. We go 12 miles. Yeah, you're making your way towards the next town. Jesus Christ.

Why? Why are we cursed to be as we are? From bugbear to beautiful Aladrin man to somewhere in between. Oh, well, you're at least like a sexy, rich wolf with a castle. I'll just shamble around in the fucking jungle. It is very funny, yes, yes. Let us look for school children.

Children! I would like to roll to see if I can get the children's attention. Sure. No, we should look for tracks. We've only talked to him. Sure. Roll a survival check. One moment.

Survival, you say? Mm-hmm. Do you have your goggles of Minutesing? Oh, what does that give me? Advantage on perception checks. Well, I'm doing survival. I'm doing survival. Can I twist? Yeah, please. Oh, yeah. Damn. All right, get the nine. You are looking for tracks. I am.

- Though the snow isn't falling anymore, you were told that the snow stopped falling as of last night, sometime in the middle of the night, but there was enough time that it seems whenever these tracks would have been made that you've been told about, the snow had fallen enough to fill them up. So you find none. - No tracks.

Well, I say we kill these little fucker stealing children. Especially the one with the giant nuts. Into the sleigh! Oh! All right, make sure you hit those little patches of frozen piss so we can go, you know, boost-like. Oh, my toe! It is broken in various places.

What? What are you looking at? Torbek is bored. Roll a d12, Torbek. Just a couple of monster-y guys, you know. A one. I need you to roll a d4 for me, please. I need you all to roll a d4 for me. Oh no, I'm so sorry, everyone. All of your current twists are gone. Reroll yours, Mike.

- Two. - Okay, you get a one. - One? - You are Briggsie. Mike. Derek, you're Chuckles.

- You are Bitsy. - Oh no! - And you are Torbek. - Not again! - But you're so good at Torbek! - You are, as Chuckles stabs his toe and you're all climbing into the sled, you're not really even quite sure why. You had said you weren't gonna go into any of the towns, but you are still climbing into the sled. And as Chuckles slams his toe,

one final time into something. It lets out a howl. All of you become consumed with this strange magics and you all begin to let out yelps of pain at the same time. And as you open your mouths, bits of your souls begin to float out and move into other bodies. And though your body is the same, the soul that inhabits it is no longer the soul that belongs there.

- So I am Torbek in Bitsy's body? - Yeah. Well, you are Bitsy's soul in Torbek's body. - Oh! Oh! - Oh! - So I'm still doing Torbek's voice, but I'm acting like Bitsy. - No, you were doing Bitsy's voice, but you're in Torbek's body. - Okay. - So vice versa. - Yeah. - So I'm doing Chuckle's voice? - In Bitsy's body. - In Bitsy's body. And it's Bitsy's mind? - It's Bitsy's mind, Chuckle's body.

- It's the Body Swap episode. - Okay. - I'm still confused, so I'm gonna wait for someone else to go. - You are Chuckle's body with Briggsies mind, so you're doing the Briggsies impression, but as Chuckles. - Oh, that pain makes me want to horse the colors!

- Wait. - Oh no. - Oh, guys! - Oh no. - Oh, it's happening again! - Oh goodness, what just happened? This is ridiculous. - Do you want a sound light, Ed? - No, I really don't. Where are you supposed to be? - That's brutal. - I'm trying my best.

It's okay, we still like you. That's not too bad. God, that was a lot of help.

Don't forget to say Chookles, Chookles. Chookles. You're kind of sounding like Rodney Dangerfield a little bit. I like it. I like it. I'm Luthor. I'm going to cut your chin. You're a really bad egg. Let's go aboard the S.I.S. Witch Stomper. Yeah, let's go find those missing children. Let's go kill those little fucks. And those giant cats. You got plenty of material, bullfrog. You can talk about gingivitis or got a ring.

Or all sorts of stuff. Or the pigs. Don't forget the pigs. Go, Maria. Why is it called that? It should be called Hararia. Oh, no. Reddit, you hear? Well, I'm going. I need to take a break. I don't care. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

I'm just gonna be there. Come on, guys. I don't wanna lose my steam. I'll take the door, Jack.

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Thank you, from Legends of the Vantress. Oh my god! I've always wanted to be part of a crew, part of a ship. How are we gonna save the day?

Well, first we should get on the piss sled and go find... We're already on the piss sled, right? Yeah. We're on the SS Witchstomper! Oh, I like that name. Oh, that's right, because you almost broke your whole foot when we were getting in. And then he... I didn't break his foot.

Yeah, you did. Oh, well, me, that was Chuckles. You daft idiot, innit? We gonna find them kids D&D, innit? Chuckles, you should talk now. Chuckles, you...

Chuckles time. It's a little weird not having a Chunk guy in it, but I think that we can all make it do. It's kind of gross to be a clown, I've got to say. I can't even take this shit off. No, no, you are. Your Chuckles is mine in Briggsie's body. No, he's not. What? And he asked for clarification and you specifically told him that

I'm Briggs's brain and Tormek's body. Maybe. Right? I'm tired now. It's almost 11. Whatever I said originally is the truth. So we're going to go with that. Let's just align together on what we're doing here.

Yeah, because I've been saying I a lot, and Torbeck wouldn't do that. So you're supposed to be the soul, so your body hasn't changed. My intentions are... So you are right now, you are your body with Torbeck's soul in that body. With a mind and voice. So I don't have a giant penis right now, and I'm saying I. I've got a penis. Oh, you've got to say Torbeck. And it's weird, because I don't have one, but it's huge. No.

Okay, so I still have the chunk This is somehow worse than my body Don't forget you can't say hi You gotta call yourself Tor

- Oh, Torbeck, this is worse than Torbeck's body. - Oh, there you go, now you're getting it. - Oh no. - What I'd like to do is basically do a Captain Morgan. - Hell yeah. - And pull out the cutlass, or actually I'll pull out a big squeaky hammer.

at my side. - A balloon sword. - Yeah, you make a balloon sword. Like literally on the board. - Yeah, a balloon sword. I would like to basically ride the sled to where we think the danger is. - Roll a performance check at disadvantage because you were Briggs's mind trying to make a balloon sword. Junko's body is capable of it, but Briggs's mind might not be. - Oh fuck! - Yeah, I wouldn't, I mean fuck! Briggs wouldn't know.

I don't know how to make a balloon. Oh, how do you do a mouth? Never mind. What I'm saying, I'll pull out a hammer. I can wield a big blood object. I don't know if Biffy's got any magic. Performance or fail, whatever it is, I'll fail. Yeah, you can't make the balloon. But Chuckie knows how to use a fat gun. I got, yeah, no, it was like a 13. Chuckie.

ahead. No, you go ahead. I was just gonna ask Dormek, can I punch away this rash? Well... It might not work, since your body doesn't have the ability to move. I think I would have to do that. Good! Go ahead, punch my ass! You know, that raises a valid moral question of where do our heroic powers come from? Our bodies or our souls?

- Oh! - Try not to think about it too hard. - I spank you with a fist. - I spank you with a fist. - You will, one moment, I'm gonna use Physician's Touch again. Are you actually trying to get rid of something? - Yeah, it's a horrific rash. You can see it from our space. - Now we're talking to know how to do that.

Oh, that's a good question. Chuckles wouldn't know how to use that kind of touch. Would I know how to use any of my... Just like Torbjörn doesn't know how to use the voodoo gun. This is an existential act. Torbjörn is just pulling the trigger. I just punch you in the butt. Nothing's happening. Is this thing loaded? No more of that.

- Chuckle always practices good trigger, uh, safety. - Well... - I have great trigger discipline. - Exactly. - That's a-- - Gun safety is what I say. - This could be a real problem if we oughta count on some bad guys. What do we do? All Torbjörn's body has is this horrendous sheath. - I think you also have some rubber tubing down this way. - Oh, you're really lucky. - Yeah, it's still there.

Because at least I think Bitsy and Torbeck both know how to wield a rusty shiv. That's right! Just like I know how to wave this big squeaky hammer around! Well, I see a lot of people can wield a rusty shiv at the Baghdad. Stick it with the pony, and I just had a wholesome moment with a little girl who's the captain of me fan club, and I feel surprisingly inspired to say today. Um, Briggsie...

How do I summon the cutlass? Can Torbeck... Fuck, I said I. I mean, how can Torbeck summon the cutlass? Torbeck, take care of my chunk, please. Oh. Oh, I think I left... Fuck! Torbeck thinks Torbeck left it. See, it's really hard. It is hard. People don't realize they're gonna mess up like once or twice a session. That's actually putting

- Dormeg needs to be so mindful of it! - It really is, stop! - Oh, god! - He really rolled himself into a corner in that one! - Dormeg agrees. - It's about this time that the sled sails out of Mistletown or wherever you were. - Mistletown, correct.

And you, actually, were you in Holly Hollow? We were in Holly Hollow. Yeah, you were in Holly Hollow. We were on our way to Missile Town. And then we decided to go instead to find the... So you are zooming out of town. You now have the information that you would have gotten from four towns. But luckily, Briggs's biggest fan was able to give you the information from four towns in town two. Significantly cutting out a huge portion of the content.

And it is as you were leaving the town that the winds, as they're blowing past you, intermingle with the chaotic nature of the fey air that you're breathing. And you feel, once again, your souls move back into the rightful places as all of the curses are wiped from you. Oh, man. I'm getting to hang in this body. Here we go.

What the fuck happened there? What does it mean to be human, or... Oh, that was unplanned. Whoa. I gotta say, it was weird being a mouse. Yeah, it was weird being a chuckle. Oh, yeah, because even though our human brains didn't swap, I was...

my voice sounded so weird coming from busy tiny mouth but it really did it was like i lost my accent and my chuckle gave me i don't know how that happened it must have something to do with my

It probably does. Nothing to do with the player at all. What player? Ready Player One? What a great, not underwhelming signal. That's exactly right. All right, Sixers, let's get out of here.

I mean, you still are. We're on the sled. Yeah. All right, we're aboard the SS. Although that's not, I feel like it should be a little something more piratey. Like Witchstompers Revenge. Oh. And not something military. You guys are just aimlessly going through forests. You've made no plans on where you're going or what you're doing. Whoa, sleigh slug. You're just aimlessly slaying. That sounds about right.

It's gonna be weird to say, Brinkley, but didn't that only have the runes of that little girl? No, Torbjorn ate them. Oh, yeah. I was saying that, like, don't we need...

We need to figure out where the location of the little fucker thought. And if we're going to track him down, the bad guys looking around the villages, you've got to be around here somewhere. Let me see. We have power than ability, don't we? Oh, yeah. I'm sure we can figure this shit out. The doormat just has a rusty shiv. I just figured maybe we'd go to wherever Holly King is and probably because it's all dark. Oh. It was all scary that that might be where it was.

I bet they took over the Holly King city on top of the Holly King's crown. They haven't heard from the Holly King in some time, and that makes me nervous. Okay, we have to go save the Holly King, and we'll surely, truly be rewarded. Did Bitsy just solve this whole fucking thing? Well, she's always talking about the Illuminati. She's pretty smart.

Oh, that's true. She knows the truth. She knows that the universe was created last Wednesday, and then the equivalent of Wednesday, and that the walls just pulled over her eyes. That's true. All right. Witch Stompers' Revenge. Hit every frozen piss boost along the way, F-Zero style. Can we call it SS Witch Stompers' Revenge for Super Sled? Well, I mean, maybe HMS? What's HMS stand for? His Majesty's Ship.

Where's this lead? What about the RSS? What? Or the RMS? Like the Titanic? Oh, I thought you were talking about really simple syndication. No, the RMS. RMS? What does that stand for? Royal Mail Ship, you fucking dummy. I thought you knew something. Stop making fun of me. No, let's all be like to each other. I kick Briggsie. My leg goes sideways at the knee. Ah!

Who the fuck doesn't know about royal mail ship? I was going to say, it's stoppers revenge. It's fun to do, right? Yeah. Okay, let's turn this ship around. Get her private ready. Okay, is that the Holly King's castle?

For the sake of brevity, you know exactly how to get there. The Holy King's castle is that-a-way! Straight through the candy cane woods and right through the sloppy gloppy swamp and right along Sugar Plum

And we have to go across those five little panels where if you hit one at random, a giant hand grabs you and takes you down into another level. Chuckles. Do we have time to stop at the sloppy gloppy swamp? There's no time. You have the same view time as the submarines. Fuck.

- The Holly King is in trouble, clearly. There's the big ol' sack and the 13 little fucks and the crazy ass pink cat. - After we're done, can we stop by Candied Island? I've always wanted to go. - Well, Candied Island is pretty far away from here. There's Candied Lamb, not Candied Island, they're two different things. - What about Candied Lamb? - I do owe grandma none of this. - No, no, no! Stop, no!

Away we go to the Holly King's Holly Castle. Hooray! Have a holly jolly yuletide. It's not directly related to any real world holiday. You're stupid. You're stupid. And to

And any similarities are coincidental. It's not even related to the holiday festival of... It's a similar name and we're gonna be fine and everyone can be okay with the thing. I don't know.

- A beautiful rainbow bridge appears. - Power of Yuletide magic. - Because you guys are never gonna do enough nice things to get anything on this nice list, one of the options that you can roll for is you get to alter the story.

For the time being, you are now the DM. What do you want to happen? So literally, that could have happened if you were able to roll on the nice left. Torbeck tried so hard to be nice. And you got one. I was nice to the little guy. That's right. I know, and I marked it down. Torbeck's still waiting to roll a die. He's hoping for combat. Don't worry, Torbeck.

- And Toray wants to save the day with his magic lucky die. - We've learned the spirit of December weaned Yuletide. We're gonna save the Holly King's phantom men. - Okay. - Hold on, if it's gonna take us being nice to do this, I think that we need to stop at the next town real quick. And we Red Dead Redemption 2 style it. You can do all the most horrid shit in the planet in that game, but then you can just go around

And it fucking gets that meter going up. Takes forever, but we can do it. Just by saying howdy? Just by saying howdy to every person on the street. There's no time, Biffy. No? Just let's shoot in a montage real quick. We haven't rolled any kind of narrative control yet. We're still on the flood on the way to Holly King, Polly Jolly Capital. I don't know if we've got the power for a montage. We don't have the power for a montage. Do you know how much power it would take to create a montage?

Where can we find the power? We have to be nice somehow. Maybe we, like, hug each other? Oh, yeah. Biffy, come here. Biffy, don't be afraid. Oh, you smell like tapping. Oh, that's not what that is. Should we? Yeah, come bring it in. I love you, buddy. Torbjorn loves you. Why is your breath spicy? Well, I don't know. I love.

I love you, bitch. I love you too, bitch. I need you to roll two d12s for me. I love you too, bitch. Dormant! He keeps a few airplane bottles in his back pocket. Oh, double! Whoa! That's magic 11-11, Megawish. Both of them are 11? Yeah. Reroll one of them.

Five. You have to be fucking kidding me. Okay, so you become a frail tabaxi and you feel the need to mark your territory. We've done that a lot in Troll again. What? Is this naughty or nice? You maxed down on both of them by being both a dick and sweet. You made fun of him for how he smelled, but also told him you loved him. I was asking why his breath was spicy. Eleven again. His doorbell has alcohol problems. Seven again.

It's so cold your legs freeze together. Oh no! We're still embracing. But you also got 11, which is alter the story. What would you like to happen? You are the DM now. Even though his legs are frozen together, we would still be embracing. I would see that his legs have frozen and I will hold him. Okay. That's where I got you, buddy! Roll a d12 for me. Yes!

Wow. Start being nice to each other. Me fucking legs! I also got an 11. Me fucking legs! You each get to alter the story in some way. Here's a present for you, thing. What the fuck? You can't just create a present. No, you can't. Hold on. What do you mean?

I can't read this fucking shit. Don't you fucking dare. You did not get to threaten me with an imaginary shotgun, motherfucker. I can't read you with an imaginary shotgun. You did not get to threaten me with an imaginary shotgun. All right, Derek, go ahead and make a performance check. Okay. As I say, you definitely have to go first. Oh! A natural 12. Oh, that one. Okay, what? Well, you're done. That's yours. What? Oh!

- Okay, you make-- - I successfully threaten you with an imaginary shot. - No, you successfully created the present that you're able to give the child. - Did we all get presents with that 20? - No. - No, I just said that one thing. - Well, there you go, I guess I have that now. - Oh, so cute. - Biffy, can you roll a d12 for me, please? - You always seem to struggle with this, so-- - Roll d12. - It's a regular sized handkerchief. - Aw, that's cute. - What? - Oh, that's so nice. - That was cute. - That was cute.

I thought we were gonna solve the day with that. What? We forgave. I blew my entire load on that. For a regular-sized handkerchief? I got a six. And now you're being rude, so...

- What the fuck, Mitzi? - What, what? - I kick Mitzi. - Roll a d12 for me, 'cause that's green again. - You kicked me like four, five, six more times, you're gonna regret it. - The one that you would get doesn't help, it would heal someone to full, but none of you have taken damage yet, so go ahead and roll again. - Oh. - And he's rolled. - Six and seven again. - 10. - You gain a level. - Oh shoot. - Go up one level.

And you got a six, seven. - Very good, this is finally something I can enjoy. - Your legs freeze together. - Oh, again, me fucking legs! - Well, we'll do the six. You're an idiot and you've licked a frozen pole while your legs are fused together. - Not again. Oh, you're back. - Thank you so much. - You're welcome. - What, how you, how do you dry the slide?

- What? - Why am I driving this slide when I don't know how to drive a slide? - Maybe Bitsy should take over. - I can take over. - Bitsy, I got you a present too. What's your favorite animal? - Don't tell anyone, but it's cats. - Interesting choice. I'm on guard and on theme and I'm gonna pull out pink balloons and make a pink cat. - I roll a performance check to see how well you do.

Oh, now I'm a Viking with this. You're not only cats, but she's cute. How many? 18. Lots of cats. Oh yeah, this is, it looks spectacular. She's cut the frecks of dozens of cats. It looks just like a cat. What? It's a pink cat. There you go. And then, you have more inspiration. Oh, thank you. Cats rule the entire fucking woodland. Do I get my DM moment? You do. Where are we? What's happening? I would like for Chuckles to roll a perception check. Okay.

I'm gonna use a twift. I think that's a good idea. I'm gonna use a twift. We have one, let's use them. Keep using them. I'm gonna use it. No, I'm good. 19. Oh, that's plenty. 19. Your cell phone is ringing in your pocket. You answer it and you realize it's your agent. He's not dead. Oh!

He tells you of a harrowing tale in which he has gone on an epic journey where you thought he was dead. Instead, he was just learning, training. What? He has become a powerful wizard. You survived the helicopter accident? And he realizes now in this moment he can finally help you. He tells you to make a left in the sled at the next tree. Oh my goodness.

Jerry, we're gonna have the best conversation over tapas later. As you tell your companions that they need to make this left, they do so. Upon turning around the tree, there is a portal. This portal has been summoned by your agent and will take you directly to the Yule King's domain. Oh my gosh. My fucking legs. I'm looking at him.

I'm a fucking lags. We owe you, I owe you so many tapas and drinks. We'll see you at the place up 275, right? He agrees. Oh gosh, it's gonna take a lot of time and traffic. Anyway, we'll call you, we'll talk. Hope the kids and the family all survive the helicopter accident. Anyway, happy Decemberween. We're gonna go save Yuletide. Okay, goodbye. No, unfortunately, my...

- The portal! - And it is exactly as Jerry had described to you. You're familiar with portals of this nature. It looks like a holly wreath, and inside of it, shimmering, beautiful prismatic magics.

that you're able to-- - I have not made a left at the tree, just so everyone knows. Someone else will need to make the left. - Yes, someone else made a left. - And you are shooting straight through this and Jerry told you that this was gonna take you directly to the Holly King's lair, to his domain, which was your intended location. As you...

As you ramp up, you hit a patch of frozen piss and you speed up immeasurably as you shoot through the holly wreath and you find yourself in this beautiful, pristine, frozen palace. Very reminiscent to a palace you'd been before. Almost as if it's a mirror image to one you had been in before. This one is completely empty.

It's a yuletide miracle! Completely dark. Completely cold. It's very clear that what you were told is true. The Kali King has gone missing. And though you're in his domain, there is nobody here with you. The king's missing. Children are going missing. There's some kind of giant cat.

Don't forget about the guy with giant testicles. And if you want to roll a d12 for me, please. Finally, it took this long in the session for you to get two consecutive nice things. I hope we meet the guy with the giant testicles. You get to be the DM. I'm gonna speedball those testicles. Hey, boy! Me fuckin' legs! Are you okay, Briggs? You sound different.

This has happened before! Oh, and as you-- Main fuckin' lanes. As you go through the portal, all of the curses wipe away. The negative ones. The Clarity. You become a super genius. You've actually been cursed with stupidity this entire campaign, all of it to midnight. She's in every curse, I'm like, I'm back to my regular flesh. You're--

After all this time, the captain is back! You're like Lizard's Deed bonnet. Yeah, literally. Oh my gosh, look at my cuffs!

- I'm Fancy. - Oh, the curse is coming back! No! - This has been a living hell for me. - Oh, Ronnie again. - You don't have to use it right now. You can use it any time. - Well, come on, let's split up, gang. I realized something.

It was thumb... I think it was when I was shaking out the turd behind the gingerbread house. Which I really shouldn't have done. Just like that kid in the Walmart. Don't remind the DM! He's already suffering. He's already suffering. In the 12-step program, which I probably should really go on. Uh...

We say that we have to accept what we've done in the past and make amends. And we'll have to make amends to all the people for how smelly everything got. I thought it was called the 12-step program because that's how many steps you took before you shook a turd out of it. Well, it wasn't exactly 12. It took 12 steps. That's a coincidence. But I realized that...

- All of the fame and all of the glitz and glamor and electrum pieces and great titles and lordships and lands and peasants to till our fields and all of the glamor that came with saving the Yuletide carnival or whatever, what happened last week? It got to our heads and we lost, we forgot the spirit.

of true Yuletide. You're right! Starring in all those campaigns is really just blowing up our egos and we became real jackasses. Real jackasses. It's good to own land. It took five minutes for me to get into a club.

You know that place of 372? 375? Oh yeah! Yeah, that place up there, uh, the haunted house? Took me five minutes, and I had all of the bouncers fired and then flayed, their heads mounted on spikes. I think they do that most every day. That's just what they do to the bouncers. Oh. I feel less bad about that, but I did some other shitty stuff too. Unbelievable.

What's happening? What's happening? I wouldn't blow up in that game. Your chicken's hanging from the ceiling. Bouncers are being played. What's happening? But what I'm saying is that I realize, shaking out that turn, what have we become?

Monsters! Shells of our former selves! And after seeing the wonder in that little girl's eye, after seeing her Decemberween present was to meet her hero, I relearned the spirit of Decemberween and Yuletide. And I think that we need to make sure that we save this Holly King. So we need to split up.

Say kinkies a lot. Find the clues. Okay. If there's bad guys, then we can go absolutely feral apeshit and kill them. And then we'll save the day. I think you're right, Chuckles. I've forgotten a little bit of who I am, too. I'm a monk of peace. And I have a double-barreled shotgun from the game.

Oh, you shot Torbeck in the throat. I know. That was so blocky. Yeah. That was violent and scary. Can you throw fireballs? Suddenly I'm making the connection that Torbeck looks like the hairy creatures from the game. No, Torbeck cannot throw fireballs. Wait, is that why I have this guitar? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

I want to see fan art of Big's, uh, Bitsy Dress' Doom Guy. Yeah, that's incredible. I'm going to put the shotgun on the hearth. Crack my knuckles. Let's split up and take care of business. We're going to solve this problem right away. Yeah, we should also make sure that nobody ever hurts anyone with a shotgun again. I'm going to make sure it's not loaded. Jesus. You fucks. Goddamn. No!

I've got the shelf right here! No, but what I'll actually do is take it and I'll looney-tooth pull it apart. Tie it in and off. Okay. Let's spread out, gang, and find the fuck that we gotta beat up to save the Yuletide and Decemberweems. Just remember there's at least 13 of them, only four of us, so, you know, don't get too cocky. If we each kill four, then we'll be fine.

That should do it, yeah. Yeah. I think you'll pour. Let's go. I'll throw my grandfather's shotgun, you dear. Yeah, you know what? That's fair. You did ruin 50 shots. Oh, no. And if anybody runs into the guy with the huge sack, go for the sack. It's a weak point. I'm going to

I can't wait! I'm gonna stab him right in the balls! I got a lot of ki points about it! Three. Roll again. Roll again. Oh, sorry. I didn't hear that. Seven. It's cold and your legs freeze together. You too. Time to split up! First time. Time to flip-- That looked like it hurt! Oh, it did, yeah, that shotgun's right next to my head.

You're, uh... My fucking leg. Yeah, your legs, they're all fucking... Ugh. Ugh. Well, we could use the shotgun. And with that, you all spread out. I pull out my rusty shiv as I spread out. Each of you goes your separate ways, leaving Chuckles to deal with his frozen legs all on his own. And you each come away with one bit of information. Ooh.

Briggsie, you notice, all of you notice that there is nobody here. And then more than likely this was not your intended destination as you'd been told that the Holly King had gone missing. So you were probably unlikely to find him or anyone here. But you do notice some pertinent information that there seems to be, Briggsie, you notice

the marks of a sack that's clearly been dragged from somewhere. - No! - Easy. - Bitsy, you notice the tracks of a very large cat.

I love cats. Chuckles, you find cat fur stuck to some ice. My fucking leg! Oh, cat fur. And Torbek, you find the footprints of 13 individual people. I chuckle to myself and say, Torbek's in danger. I'm sure Torbek's gonna be fine. He can take like...

Nine or ten of them, but definitely not 13. Maybe nine, if there was a lot. You're just skittering in the room. I just have this piece of rusty metal twirling in the dark as it attracts all around me. One, two, three more. Uh-oh, see, this is bad. Uh-huh, doormat.

How fresh do they look? We'll ask a D&D question tonight. Within like the last 24 hours. I would like to follow the tracks, get a sense of where this sack was dragged. It looks like the sack was dragged from the throne room where you imagine the Holly King was out into the snow and the tracks disappear. Oh no. Oh no. Let's assemble in the throne room.

Do we hear this? Yeah. I run quickly. Oh, we'll meet him in the solar.

I found-- You're already in the throne room. Big paw pads. I didn't make it far. And then I heard you say, "Lads assembled," and I assumed you meant me, even though I'm not a lad. Yeah, Torbek's glad you called because Torbek found himself smack dab in the middle of 13 tracks, and that is not a good number when there's only one Torbek. You wouldn't have been able to take 13. Oh, no, maybe eight or nine, but not 13. I've put it all together. What room were you in?

The conservatory. The conservatory, of course! What room was I in? You were in the dining hall. What room was Bitsy in? I was in the cat room. Yep. Here's how it all went down, for the sake of brevity. Not to poirot this shit, but I believe that this is what happened. First, these 13 little fucks broke into the Harley King's lair. Through the dining room, I mean the conservatory.

through an open window, because he liked the breeze. Oh. And then they found him having a delicious succulent Chinese meal. Oh, this is where the sad comes into play! I knew you all knew! The Harley King can't enjoy a succulent Chinese meal! Look at my giant nutsack! Get the fuck in the sack! Get the fuck in the sack! Idiot!

- I need you all to roll. Are you okay? - I need you all to roll an intelligence throw. Just an intelligence check. - Oh, I got a natural one. - I got a five. - My eight is plus zero. I got a one. - Holy shit.

- A succulent, shiny male. 17. - Tried to touch my meter! - I rolled a natural 19, so I'm smart now for some reason. - So you have a 19. - 18. - 18, 17. - Correct. - Bitsy, you're listening to Kremi tell you this, and you have a realization. Wow, why didn't we put this together when all of this information was given to us hours ago by this one NPC to save so much time?

Similar things happened last year when a wild gorilla was on the loose. 13 footprints, the 13 Yule Lads. Giant cat paws like Gryla's cat. The sack that was used to steal children. All of these things. The children missing. It all makes sense. Gryla's still here. On the loose. Terrorizing the Feywild. And she has stolen the Holly King.

And all you need to do is find Gryla's, a lovinous mountain lair where she turns children into soup. Defeat Gryla and return the children to their homes before Yuletide Eve. - I didn't know Gryla had a cat. - They leapt on him. - That's so sweet. - And touching his fetus, they threw him into the giant sack. - Does Gryla also know sign language? - Yes. - And tied it up.

Then they summon their cat from the cat room. Threw this hack over the giant cat's back. Rode off through the throne room. And they're far away from this place. And this is what happened. It's just like what happened last year. It's Gryla. Or Gryla. Well, yeah, we've learned in the rules recently it was actually Gryla. Oh, is it Gryla? Yeah. Yeah, I'm still calling it Gryla. Well, Gryla has a cat.

and no sign language. - Wait a minute, so you're saying that the sack is a literal sack and not like, you know. - No, that's gross! - Oh! - I just had a realization. We thought that there was a wild gorilla on the loose and that was the problem. And after you explained all of this, Briggsie, I realized that the problem is that there was not

A wild gorilla on the loose. We have to fight fire with fire. Let go to the gorilla chamber. I need everyone to... I'm like, everyone, you all make your way immediately, following Chuckles, to the gorilla chamber, and you find, chained up, four enormous giant gorillas. Yeah. Yeah.

They are the dearest friends of the Holly King and have been chained up by, you can stop me anytime, Nikki. They've been chained up by Gríla and her little fuck you lads and the cat. And all they wanna do is save their best pal, the Holly King. And you see the chains and they are not loose. And you see the chains

I need you all to make an animal handling check as you approach them. Yeah, no, you do.

- Oh, easy. - Easy? - Easy lad. - Torbjorn makes animal skin. - Making sense is never a thing. - That would make sense. - Oh my God, I'm using my lucky die. - These all suck 'cause I'm gonna help you re-roll. - I also suck. - I'm gonna help you re-roll. - Yeah, he had the power to do that. - I'm using my luck and you also get luck. - I'm gonna do it together. - You have luck. - Yes, from the very beginning.

- I'm twisting again. Let me know if-- - Yeah, this is awful. - I have a 13. - I'm twisting once. I'm twisting once. Here we go. I'm using this die over here. Come on. - Remember, Mike's the DM. He sits in DC. - Natural twist! - What'd you get? - A 13. - My animal handling is a 23. - This is a group check. I'm gonna roll for chuckles at advantage.

- I'm the DM, so that's actually a 20. - That's incredible. - You're the DM screen, we can't see what you're rolling. - Natural, the natural one. - I'm the DM, though, motherfucker. - I got a 21. - 21. - No, you get to be the DM until you finish the part of the story you're crafting, so that makes sense, I buy it. - They look at you.

and they are like, they pound their chests, or they're trying to pound their chests and they can't. And they're looking at you like, and then as you approach, easy big fella, Chuckles is with you, there you go.

- Okay. - You smash their chains and see. - That's right. - They needed their cool, cool giant gorilla shaped sunglasses. They're rather their sunglasses. You offer them their sunglasses. They snatch them for all of you, including Chuckles. They put it on. You hand the fur of the Yule Cat. They all sniff it. They have the trail and they all look at all four of you and Chuckles looks at you and says,

Now there's gonna be wild gorillas on the list. Let's hop on! We do. We do. We climb on. We climb on board. And with that, they are...

go, "Okay!" And burst out of the ice castle and go thundering towards where they believe their best friend, the Holly King. - Yeah! - Let's fucking go. - And there are now wild gorillas on the loose. - And that is what happens. As the gorillas help to toss you onto their backs, you ride them through the wintry forests of the Holly King, four wild gorillas on the loose, as they pick up the scent of,

Grylus cat. And they are able to, their senses are honed for this. They protect the Holly King at all costs. And these aren't normal gorillas. These are winter gorillas. These are winter fae gorillas.

And they travel with an insane speed. But it's not just that. Once they get to a certain amount of distance from the Holly King, they're able to magically teleport to him through the use of these amazing wreaths.

And as you begin to ascend this cliff face, you see the very top, there is a cave in the side of it, smoke billowing out of it clearly, a mountainous lava cave fit for a gorilla. And...

As they get within a certain amount, how are they gonna scale this? You have no idea. And then you see the wreaths appear as the gorillas leap through, charging in like gorilla superheroes, really. And you find yourselves deep in the innards of this cave.

It's warm in here, much warmer than it was outside. You see bones hanging from the ceiling and from the walls, children's bones. You smell the scent of freshly cooked stew. You can almost hear it bubbling and burbling. You see the fresh footprints of an incredibly large cat that's clearly come in and out of this place many, many times recently.

And all of you are overcome with that same fey magics. I need you to roll a d12 for me, please. Do they all look like Eddie the Yeti from the Donkey Kong Country TV show? Yeah. I got a nine. I got a 12. I got a four. I got a five as well. That's right. Tell me what you see.

♪ Interface ♪ ♪ The reflections of your dreams ♪ - And then I don't know the rest of the words. - Can I get numbers? - 12. - Nine. - You feel yourself changing and you are overcome by the magics in this place. Your form begins to shift.

and twist as you don't get smaller. You are Bitsy, you're a mouse person, but your body changes into that of one of the Yule lads. As where Bitsy had been, you now see Meat Hook. Meat Hook, you snatch up any meat left out, especially smoked lamb. - Oh my God, me too. - Smoked lamb? - You love smoked lamb. - Who doesn't? I don't even hate this guy, he's just awesome. - Chuckles? - I got a four.

- You're a spoon licker. - Ah, damn it! - Sam. - You lick spoons. - I don't want to lick the spoons. Can I re-roll? - No. Better to lick things than you. Rich? - I got a three. - You're stubby. You are short and you steal food from frying pans. - Nine. - You're a sausage swiper. - You better believe I am. - You love stolen sausages. - Stubby's fingers kind of look like sausages and all that. - I would say that's true.

I sniff around for lamb. You sniff around for lamb? You don't smell lamb in here. You do smell that stew, and you wonder, could lamb be mixed in? Me too. I'll walk over, and I'll look into the stew. I'll look around for some sort of a tasting implement, like a spoon.

Do I see a spoon? Yeah, I will say you see spoons here and there, yeah. Littering the ground. You gotta fucking see it. I look for the spoons. I mean, the pans. What do I like? The pans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do. You are...

What are you, stubby? You like to steal food from frying pans. Meat hook. Is there any food in the pans for stubby? I hate this.

Mine is the most accurate for the front. I also will do the bit with the spoon. Give me spoon here. It's really cool, but spoon part time. I want to taste the stew with my meatball. What the fuck is wrong with you guys? Why are you selling that? We're going to lick the spoon.

- What do the gorillas do about all this? - The gorillas are, they have shaken you off of their backs. They're not interested in you. As they continue to sneak deeper and deeper into the cave, where they had teleported to was probably midway through the cave and you have found yourself at a natural curve in the cave where it's clear that

The actual Yule lads have used this place to store a lot of their collection. You do see that there's a roaring fire here. There are some pots that have remnants of some burnt food and things in them. - Is there a frying pan with food in it? - Yes, of course there is, yeah. Right on top of the little fire, right in the little middle area. - I think if there's a little spoon, I'd like it to lick it.

There's a little ice box that's filled with stolen skear. - Oh, a big old bowl of skear! - I taste the stew. Do I get any lamb? - There's no stew here. You smell that there's a stew at Rowan, but this is clearly a space where the Yule lads come to be together and to hoard away their stolen things.

You see that there are the dead carcasses of sheep that sheep coat clawed probably and brought here from a stolen farms. - Sausage, sausage. - You see that there are pails of stolen milk.

Probably Gollygawk did this. You see frying pans filled with bits of burnt food still stuck to the bottom that Stubby hadn't fully eaten himself. There's a pile of pre-licked spoons. Those are my spoons to lick. I'll give you juice. You can see that there are pots here. My voice! That...

- We are twins, brothers. - There's some unwashed pots that a pot scraper hadn't fully finished. There are pre-licked bowls that bowl licker has stored away. You also see that there are doors lined up against the wall and areas where rocks have just been knocked out of the side of this cave. Where Door Slammer has been slamming doors against the side of the wall over and over and over again. There are sausages hanging.

- And you can swipe them. - You shouldn't enjoy those. - They're attached to chains. - Those are our sausages. You only like sausages that you stole. - Now fuck you! - They're attached in a way that Sasha Swiper can swipe them. - Oh, yeah. - And it's a great game. - Defying Pam!

- Oh fuck! - You notice that there is one window where there's a window that is set up looking at this area and part of the sill is worn away where clearly window peeper peeps as the rest of the Yule Lads do their things. And you notice areas on these doors that Door Slammer would have slammed that are also worn down where clearly Door Sniffer has been sniffing.

And lastly, or not lastly, you also see that there are, it's very clear that Meat Hook has been thieving a lot of the meat. You can see areas where these sausages have been hooked. There's a clear war between Meat Hook and Sausage Swiper and the war of sausage swiping. And then lastly, the 13th Yule Lad, Candle Beggar, has all of his candles that he has been stealing.

lined up along Window Peeper's windowsill. - Seeing that Sausage Swiper has gotten to the sausages first, I will look at the skins of a sheep. - Oh, they're sheep carcasses where clearly Sheepcoat Claude has been stealing sheep to suckle and they've died in here and their carcasses are rotting. - But there are rotting sheep carcasses in here.

- Would I consider that lamb-esque? - I would say you would consider that lamb-esque. - A wobble. - Ugh.

- Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! - Do we get the sense that we're still ourselves, but in these bodies, or are we like-- - You are, for the moment, overwhelmed by your new nature as these Yulad creatures, and you watch as the gorillas barrel, the actual gorillas barrel past you and head deeper into the cave.

- Where are the frying pans? I need more frying pans! - I'm just gonna continue to eat lamb carcass as much as possible. - You consume all of the lamb carcass. You swipe all of the sausage. You clear out all of the pan and you lick every last spoon and you're all sitting here now.

having no more spoons to lick, no more sausages to swipe, no more meat to hook, and no more pans to just eat things out of. And you all feel like this is unfair. You can smell the stew coming from deep within this cavern lair. You know that there are probably more pans, more spoons.

more sausages, more lamb, deeper in this cave. - I look to Stubby and I say, "Nah, I gotta be honest, Stubby. "Look at those spoons, it's got me acting unwise." - You lucky that, you lucky that, it's going on in here. - "It's got me acting unwise."

Go on. Go on, go on, there's nothing I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. How do you want to act? Just a little lick. I'm looking for pans. Have you seen pans with food in it? A little lick of it. Now, I need the food. Go deeper in the cave. Swipe more sausages, swipe more sausages. Let us go further, meat. Come to me. We go deeper. Meat! You know what I mean. Come on, Meat Hook. You...

- I mean, don't subscribe to the Wicked Bop. - What is this music that's right? - It's like, it's like the Bop, the guy meets the little girl. - I'm on my way, I'm around a sausage. I know how to handle sausages. I can handle 13 sausages at once. - Let's go find Kali Gar. - I can turn this into a real good time. I can party, yeah, come on, come on, come on. Where's Kali Gar? - Fucking hell.

- For some reason, my picture is all worried. - Fucking boon! - Of course you definitely all have pointy hands. As you make your way out of the Yule Lad's lair, you begin to make your way through the winding caverns of Gryla's lair. And once you are well past this area, you feel whatever magics had been attached to that lair fade from you.

And you, it was clearly some kind of protective magics to keep anyone from entering the deeper recesses of the cave, hoping that anyone that made it to that point would be overcome by the innate nature of the Yule Lads and would stay in that area until they perished or would leave the cave to go find additional things that suited their natures and the magic would leave them at that point.

preventing them from turning back, but you've gone the opposite direction, the smell of the stew enticing you. And once you are far enough away, you feel your, you feel

your composure come back to you as you regain your senses, no longer compelled into yule-laddery. They didn't bank on the power of true degeneracy. They really didn't. It means the day yet again. Go, Holy God. Go, Holy God. And Bitsy, I need you to roll a d12 for me, please. What the fuck? Why does my name not fit the naming convention? I don't care anymore. I got another 12.

- No. - You got another 12? I don't remember you getting a 12 on this one. - On this particular chart? Perhaps not. - No. You and all of your companions gain a long rest. - Oh. - That doesn't really help you. - It doesn't really matter much. - You know what, I'll let you roll again, 'cause it really doesn't matter at all. It should have, had the other things in the session. - Four. - Yeah. You gain one use of Polymorph Reindeer. - Polymorph Reindeer? - Mm-hmm.

- So I can polymorph reindeer? - You can either polymorph yourself or you can polymorph somebody else into a reindeer. - Oh, so it's not that I can-- - It would be much fun if you could only polymorph reindeer and other things. - That would actually be really great. - That's what I assumed that you meant, was that I could only polymorph reindeer creatures. Okay, so I can-- - I can follow the gorillas. They have their cool shades on. I'm sure they're already fighting gorilla. - I hope they're okay. I wanna ask them about the movie Congo. Let's go! - Great book.

- I follow, Dermick follows. - We're running out. - Gromma! - That's what I say. - Oh! - And I'm the one sure to win because our good chums are using guerrilla tactics. - Dermick loves that one.

You make these jokes as you run deeper and deeper into this cave, and eventually you spill out into an opening. The heat is rising up out of this place, and what you're met with is not something that you expected. In the very center of this room, you see that this room itself is lined even more heavily with the bones of the children that have been stolen by Gryla's cat and the Yule Lad.

You see that the stew that she is cooking, you can smell that there is something off about it. And without fully understanding why, you, for the sake of brevity, realize that it is child stew, that it is made from those that have been stolen. And you see that behind this giant cauldron that's bubbling and popping, tied up and...

and changed to the wall behind is the Kali King. He is entrapped by magical manacles that keep him from being able to break away. He looks to be in some sort of stasis. His big bushy beard is showing tinges of gray. His face is pallid. He looks to be aging unnaturally as he is held in these manacles.

And the thing that you don't expect more than anything else is that Kryla isn't standing here stirring her stew. There is no Yule cat there sleeping warmly by the hearth. There are 13 Yule lads prancing around mischievously. What you see is absolute mayhem as four giant gorillas are beating the living shit out of 13 Yule lads.

The Yolkat is held by one of these gorillas as another one. They are just going absolutely fucking down on all of these as they are trying to protect their Holly King. You feel like you've done something really nice by trying to avenge these children and sending these gorillas in here to fight this battle. So I'm gonna have you all roll a d12 for me. Oh my god.

- Five. - Two. - 11. - Three. That's the best one. - Is it? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Okay, sorry, what did you get? - Five. - Five. Whenever you re-roll any die, you can choose someone else to also re-roll as well. - I got a luck point. - Two. - You got a two. Roll a d20 for me, please. - 19.

- Pretty good. - That is a good number. - Solid number. - That's a good, solid number. - Well done. - Roll a d100 for me, please. - Oh shit. 30. - 30. You get a Rod of Alertness. You immediately feel a large sack appear in your hands. Please stop.

- Torbek is standing at attention in more ways than one. - Please stop oscillating pervertedly. But yes, you get a rod of alertness. What did you get, Perak? - Three. - You got a three. Okay. Choose one random player. - Andy. - Who's Andy playing now? He's not Torbek. - Oh my God. There's a correct answer to this. - There is a correct answer. - Well, shucks, Andy.

I hear you. This is his choice. Bitsy immediately thinks of her good friend Booker. Ah, sweet Jesus. Oh my god! That's gonna go everywhere! All of a sudden I have this rod of alertness and Torbek is waiting around like, and then all of a sudden... Yep. What? What? Oh.

Oh my, oh my. You're here, hi! Bitsy? Yeah? What, what am I doing here? What, what? Ah! Ah! We're trying to save the Holy King! Ah! He's trapped, he was trying to eat a succulent Chinese meal and he's, he really is all on his lats because there's all these children that can just shoot you! No, no, no, I was in the dim water, I was enjoying a nice bourbon and now I'm here! I'm sorry. This is your fault! What are you

And then this is Briggs. He's got a chunk

Bitsy, what have you done? What have you done? Why are you here? Well, I'm not sure. It's magic. It's like with yuletide, like winterness. And you get another opportunity to be the DM, Michael. Do we see Gryla anywhere? Yeah, Gryla's in the very middle. She is trying to protect her stew, but she is occasionally getting

getting hit by a rogue Yule Lad as it's being tossed this way, not by the gorillas. You imagine that once the gorillas are done with the cat and the Yule Lads, killing them, by the way, that they will all descend upon Gryla if they survive. But she's very powerful, and they probably won't be able to handle it. You imagine they probably can't handle it on their own. Booker. You've been...

ripped from your reality to this horrible, strange world. - I don't even have my banjo! - This works really well. - But as you don't have your banjo, but you reach your banjo and you instead find nothing at your hips besides two strange glowing metallic weapons. - Huh? - And you suddenly make a history check at advantage. - Okay. - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I don't even have, oh my gosh, hold on one second. Give me one moment. It's okay. Give me one moment. I'm gonna roll while I pull a booker. We're twisting. Yeah, let's give it a try. Let's give it a try. Let me get a good number here so that I can do my, you said history? Oh, I forgot, I'm actually like, ah, history's not even, come on.

- 20 total, 30/20. - That's what you needed. You find these two, they look like the Strange Implements, they're glowing magical weapons. And you realize that you can disassemble them.

and put them together. I don't know how I know this. And you suddenly feel this strange magical sense is where you have always been called a coward your whole life. You've been called a craven. And you realize now in this moment, who needs courage when you have a gun? That's right. And as you assemble your destiny, a weapon... A weapon...

A good weapon like this needs a name. You assemble a rifle.

a magitek rifle glowing with radiant arcane magic, and you hold it in your raccoon hands, and you don't know why you're here. You don't know who the fuck these strangers are. This feels right. You see these gorillas, and they're getting horribly wounded by the Yule lads, by this big cat, and you get the sense that they will not, their strength isn't enough to defeat the gigantus.

- You're doing it, Booker! You're believing! - At three foot nothing, I've never felt more powerful in my entire life. - You feel like you, your entire life has suddenly been leading to this moment, and you have the opportunity to fire revelation. - That's right. Courage is for losers. I have a gun, and I pull the trigger.

- Fire revelation! - Oh god. - I make an attack at advantage. - 'Cause you're an unseen attacker. - I get a back turn. - Yeah? - You can stop me. - No, no, no, this is... - We're twisting. - Well hold on, I got a plus a billion. - No, keep twisting, you gotta go back. - Okay, all right, all right. Well I'll twist twice, I'll twist twice. The other one was much higher. - Two more. - Two more twists. That's gonna be a 17 plus 16 is like a 30 something to hit. - That hits. - Oh Jesus. - It is.

- And I will then pass-- - 15d6 plus 40 force damage. - I pass over what happens to our lovely dungeon mistress as you pull out revelation. - Hold on, hold on, hold on. - 19, 20, 21. - Just keep those so that we can start rolling. How much do your dice make? - That's six, this is another five. Oh, good lord. That's 10, that's gonna be nine. That's 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.

That's gonna be 18, 20, 27, 28, plus another 5, 10 is 38, plus 10 is 48, 50, 56, 106 points of force damage. And before you pull the trigger, you say, Courage, we need the gun, but you feel like you need to say some cold-blooded shit to a motherfucker before...

popping an arcane cap in her ass. And what suddenly comes to you, these words, and it's, Gryla, may the wild gorillas on the loose assuage the anguish of your bereavement. Goodbye. Gryla, may these gorillas assuage the bereavement of your, I forget what you just said, anguish of your bereavement. Goodbye. And the force of the rifle is like, boom!

And there's like air. The bullet is spiraling. Booger slams up against the wall behind him as revelation. This gun that does not belong here.

on this plane of existence. It doesn't belong in the Feywild at all. - No, it doesn't. - A gun that was meant for a realm far beyond this, but somehow found itself here, as if the gods of the universe knew what needed to happen to save anybody watching this stream from however long it would have taken to kill this character.

And it's almost as if in slow motion you watch as Booker slams into the wall and where Booker had been, he bursts into magic and Torbek reappears. You feel in your soul that Booker has gone back to where he belongs and Torbek is back with you. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

- In slow motion, Torbek slams, you don't have time to react. Torbek slams to the ground. This is your opportunity to shut up and let me finish the session. Torbek slams to the floor. Everything is almost silent as redemption, as the bullet.

pierces through the air. You all watch it in shock. You don't even notice that Booker has turned back into Torbek and that Booker is no longer there. You watch in slow motion as this bullet makes contact with Gryla's back. She is turned away from you. She had no idea this was happening. It pierces into her body. You see her arch backwards for a moment in pain. You don't hear her scream out. It almost feels like nothing has happened at all.

And then where the bullet pierced, you see a perfect white light. And then almost as if true revelation has come, the apocalypse, the end of the world, a large, almost atomic-like blast explodes out from this moment, doing a...

incredible damage, you are all flown back by the blast against the walls, you hear the gorillas screech out somehow over the sound of this, Yule lads have turned to paste in 13 different places, you are all coated in Yule lad viscera and Yule cat hair and fluff, it is annihilation in here.

And all you can hear is the sound of your heart pounding in your chest.

And then finally, and then you can hear the sounds all around you, the ringing in your ears from the sounds of revelation. You see that the cauldron that had been filled with children's stew is upturned and pouring out all over the place. You begin to finally hear the screams. There's clearly deep underneath the earth a large cavern that is filled with all of the stolen children not yet cooked.

safe, ready to be taken home to their parents. You see the Holly King shaking his head as he's finally coming to, that the blast from revelation has completely decimated the magic binding shackles that had held him at bay, though none of the gorillas have survived. Gorilla or gorillas. - No. - You have this day saved the Holly King.

and all of the children, and finally rid this land of the gorilla that was on the loose. That's what won the session. - Another legendary session on the loose. - I never saw a single moment of this whole campaign coming. There's no way to predict a single moment. - The moment, as soon as Buller had the realization that Tom could attack on Titan and start his plan,

- Lune made a really good point. Torbjorn misses everything. He missed the whole final battle. - You can dodge that and you suddenly start crying. - Step down. - Is this not a monarchy?

- Also while you get lost-- - I'll see you no Hill Juno. - While everything was completely silent and all we could hear was our heartbeats, Torbek's heart sounds like this. - No.

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