Uprooted | S2E7 | Roughin' It
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Mikey Gilder and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. Consult Nostradamus. I mean Quasimodo. I mean we've been begging you to. Yeah. I'm just saying you're very busy. Figure out what to do next. Mr. Ledoux still thinks that Jean-Claude is Jean-Luc.

I think really we have two broad options. Okay, alright. One is run, two is kill the magistrate. And then depending, I think we should vote and decide which one of those we want to do first. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for collecting these votes. Thank you for coming up with the plans and helping me tally them. And tied for first.

Is Pottsville in the Hollywood? Pottsville? Freeboots! Yes! Yes!

We gotta go grab old Bo. Get out of here. We gotta get your dad. And Jean-Claude, if you want to shoot on Mr. Ledoux's desk, that's fine. Just take him. I really am. You gotta get up. You gotta pack what you can. Pack light. We gotta get out of here. We're skipping town and running to Pottsville. We're getting out of here. We're getting you out of here. Pottsville? The artists, they wanted us to murder somebody to clean your debt. And we didn't want to do it. We voted a lot. It was too many votes. There's no more time to explain. You gotta come with us now. What?

P.S. Enjoy my last surprise. A CLIFF THAT ACCOUNTED!

You are leaving Jean-Claude and Grumly. You hear the yelling and screaming of Louis Ledoux as he wants to kill the accountant, as he wants to kill Jean-Luc Chanticleer.

And you make your way into the town, leaving the hungry catfish behind you. You walk through the streets and you realize just how many... This is predominantly a...

a fox clearing, but you see a great number of otters now hyper aware given your decisions. Just how many employees and members of the Riverfolk Company and the crime family at the head of it there are. And not just that, you also see the buildings in the treetops where the birds of every clearing live, but just how many heavily armed Erie soldiers there are in this place.

and you make your way into the town. Booker, Bitsy, and Peggy, you are leaving the... Bitsy's with me. Oh, Bitsy is with you guys. Peggy and Booker, you are leaving Beauregard. Yeah, Bitsy and I eat breakfast together. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Peggy and Booker, you are leaving as Beauregard allegedly is...

packing his things, and is gonna meet you in the hour. Yeah. And you are walking through the streets, you start heading west in the direction that you told him to meet, we'll just say that you told him to meet somewhere. Yeah, edge of the clearing. Narratively, you gotta decide where you meet him, and that's where he'll meet you. Yeah, the edge of the clearing. And eventually, you all run into each other. You guys have been heading back to Beauregard's apartment.

and filled with breakfast. I guess, John Claw does not fill. Empty to breakfast, John Claw. - Made plenty of room. - What do you all do as you see each other? You are also now hyper aware just how many otters and eerie soldiers there are around. - Well, hi.

What, Jean-Claude, you look like you lost weight. Oh, I say, I say, I think I laid a dozen eggs in there. Possibly a dozen. You can do that? You can lay eggs? No, you can do that. I say, I think I laid a dozen eggs.

Where did you lay eggs at? Well, right in LeDoux's desk. Nice! I knew I liked you. His upper desk. I mean, you should have heard him yelling for Jean-Luc. I wish I could have been there. I would have chipped in a little. Oh, it was great. Well, I appreciate that. It was great. Oh, I got to change my disguise.

I take off my glasses. Back to, back to, back to Jean-Claude. Never felt so good. So what do you think? Did you, did you sold it? You think that he's going to go after your brother? Oh, Jean-Luc doesn't last the night, I don't think. Oh, well, that,

Look, he's racking up enemies. He's got Knight here as an enemy. Now he's got this Ledoux fella as an enemy. We just got to keep tacking on a few more, and then your brother's toast. He doesn't even know that we've done set him up. So I think... Should we fake our own deaths?

Should we fake our own deaths? Well, yeah, because I have asthma, so we can't run. We've got to walk out of here. And so I'm really concerned that once they realize that we've left and we're heading to wherever it is we're going, that they're going to send people running after us. And I don't know if you're aware of how running versus walking works, but they'll catch us and then we'll die.

And so I'm thinking maybe if we fake our own deaths. Which is going to be faster than the slowest member of us, actually. I don't know. It's hard to think your own death. You have to find people that look like you and then you have to kill them so you have a body to live on. And then you have to find a replacement for that person. Couldn't we just leave some fake blood around and like a ransom note? No.

All enticing theories, but somebody remind me, are we actually in trouble for anything? Well, we're about to break it. We kissed the rings of that Italian man. Well, exactly right, but presumably we have several days to make good on the assassination. We could just walk out of here without being stopped and say that we're doing reconnaissance. Yeah, but we're not even going in the direction of the place that the guy we're supposed to kill is going to be, so...

They're probably going to know immediately, well, that's not the direction. They're probably running away. No! Walking away, I should say. I don't think they would dare send anyone after us, because wherever we're going to go next, it's ruled by the cats, and they'll protect us. So I feel very comfortable leaving without having to...

five people, mainly a mouse, a rooster, a frog, a pug, and the raccoons. Yeah. Having to kill them all. The cats and mice get along famously. We could always just go back to where we were and I could suggest to someone that they saw us all die. Um, hey you! What? Uh...

My name is Pendleton Wismith. What do you do in this town? I don't know. Oh, me? I'm just the cobbler. Old Pendleton! Thank you. Thank you. Oh, hey, hey, hey, cobbler Pendleton. Um,

You, uh, you connected to this town in some meaningful way. I'm just the beloved cobbler. Everyone who needs new shoes comes to me for their cobbler. Okay, hold on a second. King George, and you're going to see a fly come out, and King George is going to start spinning around in a circle like a hypnotizing pattern as I begin to suggest to the cobbler. Um, I suggest that you believe that you saw all of us brutally murdered by, uh,

Why are you looking at me? Don't look at me. Look at Booker. Who's like the mortal enemy of the Italians? Well, why don't you just say Stash and Pits? Okay, we were... Oh, wait, wait. What about the servants of night here? Well, no, because they were in line with their call. We're kind of working for them right now. I was going to give this back to you, but maybe...

Oh, no, no, no. I know, I know. I'm going to do a whole bit about it. You brought up early. I suggest. You can still do the bit, I mean. I suggest to you that you saw a band of cats. Right? Because we just talked about cats. Why would they be here? Why?

We haven't had to worry about the monkeys up a long time. No, no, no, look at the fly, look at the fly, look at the fly. Stop looking, stop looking at the mouse, look at the fly. He's just standing there. I'm just standing here. I'm listening to what you're saying. All right, all right, all right. I'm gonna say-- It's not like it's suddenly, you didn't flash me with the men in black thing. Well, I'm about to flash you with something if you don't look at the damn fly, all right? Focus. Well, that's a handsome fly. Yeah, that's King George, now look at him.

If you stop looking, you're gonna die. You'll fall over dead. That's how magic works or something, all right? I suggest to you that you saw all five of us pulled into the wilderness, pulled into the sky, dead limp on bird talons. By cat assassins. Bird talons. Bird cat assassins? Cat, cat bird. You don't listen to anything they say. You listen to what I say, you understand?

And I'm gonna cast Suggestion. He's very nervous. Wow. I'm just a cobbler. Did you hand me my dice bag, Rich? I suggest you take a long walk up a short pin.

So I am suggesting to him that his, hoping to distract him and hypnotize him by King George. What's the DC? Not very good. Wisdom 15. So what he will believe for the next eight hours is that he saw us...

and broken as we were carried away by... She's not going to look at the Don until two days later. By the earring. He'll tell people. Okay. That's enough time. That's enough time. Oh! That's what you say? You believe that? Yeah, that's what he believes. Oh, thank God you guys are okay! Oh!

I saw you guys fall in the sky and killed everyone. Wow. That's interesting. I would not have thought that would work out. God damn it. I completely forgot. Okay. All right. All right. We're going to have to try this again. Oh, thank God. I thought you guys were dead. You're strangers. I thought you were dead. Okay, okay, okay. We'll get the fly again. Look at the fly again.

It's-- Wow! I swear, you guys got away! Yeah, and when we walk away from you, you're gonna see us die all over again. I'm gonna cast my last spell slot. What is it, 15? 15. That's fucking good. That's so funny. That is so good. Even Fitzy saw that coming. I didn't. I got a 13.

What's the, uh, what do you say to him? Uh, when we walk away from him, um, he will believe and tell anyone that he can find that he saw the five of us, um...

Killed and carried off by the Eyrie. A second time. A second time. Yeah, because we were okay to run. Because we escaped! No way! Harrowing escape. He warned us not to go, and we walked away injured, and then we were snatched up. We're just final destination, this guy. He's just having horrible-- Oh my god! He turns around immediately and runs. Oh my god! A whole bunch of people I didn't know died!

We're gonna be like, lock this guy out. That was perfect. Let's go. No, I think that'll work. Don't run. We gotta walk. You don't understand. They got killed. They got killed. Help me.

Oh, we should have waited for you to show up before we got out of this! I'm sure! Five people, but not the beloved town gambler! Oh, my God! He's supposed to be here in five minutes, too. We can't wait for him, Booker. We gotta go. Go, go, go, go, go. Go in the woods. Just get in the woods. We gotta get out of here. Oh, you hear? Oh!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

That's not very good. Eight. I think I have, I would say a plus nine. Sorry, Max. All right. Okay. Yeah, I guess we need character sheets. I have that, I just didn't have a die. I got an 11. For stealth? 16. Ooh, only a 13. My stealth's not very good. 14, 16. Eight. Eight. 13. 13. Okay.

You all make your way running through as you hear the shout. What the fuck was his name? Pendleton. Pendleton Wismith. Pendleton Wismith. The

The beloved town cobbler. The beloved town cobbler. What kind of animal was he? He made the best pies. He was a squirrel. He was a squirrel. Yeah. He was a squirrel who just, he loved working shoes. He loved cobbling. He looked very tired after working a bunch of personal jobs for director Ferrit Wiesel. And so...

Get that Rush theme on it. Yeah, he is exhausted, and so he's very easily suggestible, just like they do at cults where they get you very tired in order to be very suggestible. Sure. Jesus. As you bolt through the town, you hear shouting of...

Peddleton. And you, it doesn't take you long, you know that the riverboat, the Hungry Catfish, is to the west side of the clearing, but you know that there's a huge swath of kind of the more marshy, swampy area to the north before you reach the river.

that is fully forested and wooded. And it doesn't take you very long, just takes you probably a good 10, 15 minutes until you make your way into the treeline as the clearing of Muckbeg Creek disappears behind you and you hear the running of the river directly north of you.

What do you all do? I turn to Grumly and I say, hey, were you able to get breakfast and work out? Can I get my card back? Oh, hold on. And I'll reach into my tabard and I'll pull out like a little crushed styrofoam plate with like a little Danish. I got some for you too when you were hungry. Grumly, thanks, buddy. You're always thinking about your old pal Booker.

It worked great. Thank you. Honestly, you know, it's a pretty good deal. Free breakfast for five hours. I mean, which hotel does that anymore? I gotta be honest. I didn't think it was gonna work. I just got this card and just realized I was a member the other day.

That's pretty crazy. I mean, it's incredible. You know, if we ever make it back, we could, you know, get up early at like six in the morning and just be down there for five hours straight. Well, it doesn't work at other establishments. We got to remember we had this thing and, you know, we'll see how it goes. Oh, my God. Keep it secret. Just let me know. Just remind me. All right. I might forget. All right. Thanks for the Danish. I appreciate it. This is fantastic. I like the fantastic Mr. Fox.

That's just canonically how we all eat. That's right. Well, you really bungled that one. Now what? Are we just going to leave you dead back there? I mean, the best we can do is sit here and wait and see if he finds us. If we go back out into the clearing, they're going to know we're not dead. Yeah, I unfortunately cannot become invisible because it's quite cold.

That's a little chilly. We can try to get his attention, but I don't want to step back into the clearing. Do you think your dad believes that guy who makes desserts? Probably. He's beloved. I've known him since I was a wee little lad.

He makes the best cobblers. Because he cobbles. That's what he does. He's the cobbler. Oh, I thought he made the cobbled stones all over the ground. Common misconception. Oh. So what, he makes, he bakes? Yes, he's a cobbler and makes cobbler. That's what it says on the tin. He's beloved. Oh, that's what a cobbler does. That man would never lie to anyone. I'll go for some cobbler right now. I'm running on empty. Why was his house full of shoes?

Don't ask. That's a question I don't think we want to dive into. That's what a man does in the privacy of his own home. Yeah, I don't want to know anything about that. Does he need to hang them in the windows? That's creepy. The shoes? Yeah. I don't know. You tell me. Is that normal? He collected the souls of at least hundreds of people. That's very funny. That's really good. Is that a reference to something?

The Souls of the Shoots. Of at least 100 people. Oh, that is very funny. Laughter

So now what do we do? We try to flag my old man down or we just move on and he's toast. He's going to be fish food. I have to say at this point we're good to just let him. This is the problem. That's what I'm saying. We're right back at square one. We could have gotten into none of the high drinks. We could have skipped this whole clearing. We've undone days of storytelling. I mean, I mean.

We were gonna rob the place. That's right. And then we got the books, and then we upper decked the desk, and then we did the clever maneuvering around faking our deaths, and all to get your dad out of gambling debt, and now he thinks you're dead. I never wanted this for any of us. Well. Can't you just, like, communicate with him somehow? Yeah.

Maybe you can scamper back to the edge of the woods? And is there some kind of, like, bird call that only you and your dad would know? I've been thinking George to sting him, but I don't know if that's going to help in any way outside of the fact that it will hurt. No, no, let's go with the bird call thing. That's absolutely a thing. Yeah, we absolutely have a secret bird call that we've known for the last... Oh, really? Yeah, 30 years. Absolutely. I don't know how you knew that. That was a hell of a man, to be frank with you. Well done.

Well done. All right, I'm gonna scamper back to the edge of the clearing and see if I can keep an eye out for my father and then use the bird call that we only know, the two of us together. Should we set up some kind of protection just in case someone who's not your dad is like, what's that? And comes to investigate. That literally can't happen.

There's literally only two people on the planet that know this bird call, and it's me and my father. Wow. So they'll just think it's a woodland bird. Yeah, this plan is foolproof. Well, but we did just convince the cobbler maker that we were carried off by the eerie, so the sounds of bird calls coming out of the forest, you don't... This is made of bird call. Nobody's ever heard this bird before.

i can spill grease on the ground if you want i don't know some increase from me though i don't know how that'll help but i thought it was too cold yeah it's too cold for me to go invisible can fly skin steam

Yeah, it's a sex thing. Is that true? Haven't you ever been on the beach and these gigantic fucking horse flies land on your leg and they just sting the shit out of you? And you're like, I'm trying to read my goddamn book, you piece of garbage. And you keep swatting them away, but they come back and they sting you over and over again. They're fucking on your legs. Well, I always thought they were biting my flesh, not stinging me. Yeah, they're biting. They need the blood for sex stuff. Yeah.

Oh, I thought that was just penetration because they were fucking on your legs. No.

Are you sure? They can't get back. How do you keep having hair so much? All over your waddle all the time. Go, Booker, go. All right, I'm going. I'm going to sneak back to the edge of the clearing and see if I can find my father frantically looking for where we told him to meet us. You get back to the clearing and you peer through and you don't even need to roll a perception check. Wonderful. As you hear, you see two figures. We see a squirrel, a...

gentleman and a raccoon gentleman about the same age, kind of arm in arm, crying, as you hear Boergruys saying, Oh, Booker, he was dead! Oh, let's go to the Bilbon track to gamble on Sorrows Away Pendleton! Yeah! What I saw was really gruesome, I think. And I thought that they were okay! The moment that I hear this happening...

I will hunker down and prepare to do the bird call that my father and I have practiced many, many times. And he knows, he knows this bird call to mean that there is danger and that he should find the source of the call and stop what he's doing and make it, no matter what he's doing, to make an excuse to escape and find the source of the call. We've rehearsed this many, many times. Okay. Does he know...

does he know that it's supposed to be secret he knows it's a secret bird yes he knows it's a secret bird that's a great question what you choose to do with that information is up to you oh the secret bird he would know he would know it's a secret vertical and it means stop what you're doing no one but i remember excuse find the source of the call if he would know yeah all right i'm ready are you ready i'm ready okay you hear oh

Oh, we'll have to use, oh, thank you for the flask. From the edge of the clan here. Ben Hilton, you've always been a good friend. Make a reformer check advantage. Wow. I thought it was going to be... I thought it was just going to be, Dad! Hey, Dad! Actually, the plus seven, I got a 22. Oh! You see, 22, it's so convincing.

It takes a while, but as you see a recognition, a light on his face, I'm going to make an intelligence check. Oh boy. His eyes light up. Oh my god! We don't have to go to the track anymore, Pendleton! My boy's alive! He and presumably all of his friends are alive!

gotta go you can't follow me but go gamble in my stead put a big one on i can't believe that i got married and got stuck in a loveless relationship put it all on that one that was always a good bill bug i gotta go pendleton oh

Oh joyous day! And you hear a loud rattling as your father starts hustling in your direction. And he goes, "Ka-ka-koo! Ka-ka-ka-koo!" I say to myself, "Yes, that's the response, he heard me." As you see that he has an enormous sack filled with stuff.

that's bigger than the bag in Booker's original art, if you recall. That's very funny. It's a big bag. You hear rattling of just a bunch of junk. Oh, my boy is alive! He and his friends! Oh, you little orphan! What day is it? Oh, it's the Equinox!

Oh, what a day! He tries to click his heels together in a job, and he falls on his face. Oh, fuck! Oh! Oh, okay, I'm coming! Once he gets to me. I'm coming! And he finally bursts through. You see the large sack of stuff that he has. Oh, Dad, you heard the call.

oh i knew i taught you well son i heard the response did you were able to get away you made up an excuse oh yeah i oh i told uh good pendleton uh the good news oh i'm glad we're okay okay good okay i thought i thought that the eerie arrested you on account of all of the terrorism you got mixed up in well they tried to but we had a really good attorney he got us off i heard

on the local news that they're gonna execute a whole bunch of people about it the leader of the uh the rebels and then the accomplices good guy oh god that bastard nest is gonna get what's coming anyway what did you bring why all this stuff oh i brought all my stuff that i need if i'm going to be spending a while away from my bachelor pad why does it smell so heavily of mac and cheese well come on we got to get back to the rest of the game

Are you sure you need all that? Are you gonna be able to carry that? Yeah, I mean it's got my lava lamp. We might be traveling through the woods, like it's kinda dangerous. It's got my stack of magazines. Okay, that doesn't seem really like a need, it's more of a want. It's got a bunch of blue box. That's the good stuff. Well, I mean food is reasonable to bring. Do you know the difference between needs and wants? Like we should only bring the things we need. Booker.

What did I teach you? A bird call or two. If there's something in this world that you want, you need it. Okay. All right, Dad. That's been my philosophy that I have lived by. Beauregard T. Raccoon has lived by his whole life. Keep your voice down. And it worked out for me, okay? Dad, keep your voice down. Come on. All right. Come on. Let's get back to wrestling again. Just keep your voice down. Oh, let's go. Okay.

I don't know if it's gonna work out, Dad. I don't know about this bag of stuff here. Let's meet with the rest of the gang and maybe we can just... Maybe you can leave a lot of that behind.

No, there's a hiding all this stuff. I don't know about that. I need it. Okay, let's go meet your friends. Oh, I thought they all died. You should have heard Pendleton. He said it was gruesome. Yeah, it was. I mean, no, that's the story we're sticking to. I mean, that's the good thing. Oh, gosh. I can't believe.

You were almost snatched up on account of the charges of terrorism. Well, it's all in the past now. We're gonna move on. We're gonna make it. We're gonna get out of here. We're gonna start over. And we're gonna be fine. You just gotta stay away from the Otters. You gotta stay away from the Eerie. Alright? You gotta just lay low and marquisate controlled territory. It'll be alright. Oh, gosh. Gosh, I haven't been to... I haven't been to Pottsville in a long time.

Oh, it's terrible there. Oh, God, is it much farther? I'm exhausted. We need to go like ten feet, Dad. We gotta go like miles and miles and miles. Oh, gosh, well, you think they got like a cheap motel on the way so we can at least be comfortable on the road? No, the closest clearing is Nookington. Oh, we're going through the woods? Probably. We gotta talk to the rest of the gang. Okay, lead the way. All right. Here we go. Ah!

You're right, it does smell like mac and cheese. You hear the rustling of junk as you see Booker and his dad join you. All right, guys, we got him, we got him. He's a little encumbered, though. He's sweating profusely. Yeah, I'm a little worried. Wow, your dad's got a big sack. He won't give up his stuff. He just won't get rid of it. I try to convince him. He says he needs a lava lamp, and he needs all the magazines, and I just don't understand.

He's got a lot of it. Probably talks some sense into him. As soon as he arrives, there's actually a tree with a low branch that looks a little sharp. It catches him. Oh no! As he gets ripped in two. And all of his junk spills out. Oh no! All of my stuff! He falls onto his knees and he tries to like, mac and cheese boxes are torn open.

Wow, that would have been good. Magazines are everywhere. We could have eaten that with good food. Oh, bummer. All right. You don't need all this stuff, Dad. You don't need all this. Play, squirrel! That's very funny. I would have said, play Foxy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on, you don't need even half this. Look, and plus, look, the bag is torn. It's destroyed. It's ruined. Just leave all this.

oh but my lava lamp they don't need a lava lamp oh my magazines you don't need that we can get you new magazines oh my they're not gonna have the good stuff in potsville i know it but it's gonna be okay mr t raccoon because you'll be alive with your son well for a little bit we gotta keep moving who needs the magazines and the lava lamps and the strip joint and

And the gambling. And the bachelor pad. And the drugs. And the drugs. And Skinamax. And that weird bead curtain that you had between your kitchen. And general freedom. So who needs any of that when you have family? I mean, to be fair, Grumly, that's how a lot of families are made. What do you mean? Through mac and cheese and strip joints? On the hell? Yeah. Um. Oh.

It's gonna be great. We get to settle down, enjoy the simple life. Bitsy can introduce us to all of her brothers and sisters. It's gonna be a wonderful time. I wanna be clear, I'm not putting down roots. I'm gonna keep moving. Yeah, it's probably better if we stay uprooted. Yeah! Yeah!

Beauregard has put on novelty plastic shades. No! Fine, you're right, it's all junk. It's all right, we'll get you settled. We'll get you new stuff. It'll be fine. Are you just gonna leave your dad in the clearing? Yeah, that was the plan all along. I mean, like, I was very open about that from the very beginning.

So, we're gonna... I didn't come back to MuckBed to hang out with my dad. I mean, it's nice to see him, but, like, you know, I've got my own life to live. I've got my own freedom to achieve. I've got places to go and people to see and things to do. Places to play the banjo. I gotta get a new banjo, by the way. I guess we...

Didn't really choose to go to Mokdad. That's just sort of the way the current of the river took us. That's right. I followed it, just like the music that I hear as I waltz down the strait. It's where it took me, and the music will take me somewhere else. And none of us knew how to sail that catamaran, so we just sort of drifted. Oh, we were sailing on a catamaran? Yeah. All the perverts were on the underlevel of a catamaran? Yes, I think that's correct.

Is this Nicky talking face? Yeah. Now I'm picturing more of a galleon of sauce. You're right, Booker. You know what? I don't need any of that stuff. It's a good thing that my life got uprooted.

Oh, this is going to be a thing now. Okay, here we go. Tonight, two and a half squirrels on UPN. To the bottom. You're right. It's just the two of us and your friends. It's like reclaiming the adventure of my youth when I too used to be a little bit of a black and white. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

No, that's not how this is working. We're relocating you to Pottsville. We're going to get you a nice place to stay. You're going to stay out of trouble. And then I'm going to move on with my life. Well... I'll come back and visit. That's right. I wasn't saying that you were going to stay and we were going to hang out and be buns for a while. I mean, you don't need your old man. Your old man taught you everything he already knows. Okay, Dad. Whatever you say. Yeah.

Why don't we start walking and we can talk about this maybe as we get closer to Pottsville? We got a long way to go, a lot of miles to get before we sleep. Yeah, you're right, son. Yeah, it's gonna be great. And we're gonna leave all that stuff in the woods, right? We're just gonna leave it, it's fine. I'm bringing the lava lamp. With any luck, it'll look like he got mugged and maybe he don't think he's dead, too. Yeah, I was actually gonna say, should we find something to kill and smear its blood all over it so that it looks like we were murdered in the woods?

Why don't we just rum? Yeah, I think we should just get a move on here. I think we should, you know, rather not have to kill something. Yeah, here we go. Just skin weight to be on the road again. I mean, I'm fine with slicing through from my palm to my elbow and squeezing out a bit of juice just to make sure that our cover's made. I'm not sure that's necessary, but we're not going to stop you. As long as we're not doing anything over the next week that I'm going to need both hands for, then I think we'll be fine.

Can you pull out a dagger? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll walk up to you and I'll grab the dagger. I'll take the knife. You sure? Look, Peggy, you're seeming slightly more unhinged than normal. I don't know what you're talking about. I do have some strange dreams, but we don't need to get into that. I don't know if you're coming down from the drugs or if it's just a high level of stress. What drugs? What drugs?

I don't have any drugs. Oh, you didn't have any drugs earlier? No, I had a deviled egg yesterday. No, not one of you. There was drugs in the deviled eggs. What? No, there wasn't. They were just deviled eggs. No, I could tell. It was just fucking full of LSD. I think I would know if I had consumed LSD. I'm brandishing the blade right now. I think I would know if I was consuming LSD. All right. Why don't you put the knife away?

And we're just gonna have a lovely, jaunty walk through the woods. Yeah, well, don't forget that I have asthma. And to be honest with you, after the events of the morning, I'm not exactly sure where the heck we stand in this town. I don't think there's anything you could add to the situation that would clarify this slide. I just feel that adding a little blood to this situation wouldn't be a negative. But if you know a squeamish about death...

I'm a little squeamish about death, if I'm being honest. Remember that time it was either Booker or Bitsy stabbed me in the kidneys to get some blood? It was me. I stabbed you. I stabbed you a bunch.

To smear all over like either that cat guy or maybe me. It's a miracle you survived that. A bunch of kidney. That doesn't really heal up well. Surgery doesn't even take care of that. That's why you have two of them. I guess. Holy moly. But he stabbed both of them. It's not the first time you've suggested stabbing yourself to solve a problem you've been faced with? It's a recurring thing. He's got like nine kidneys. Is that true? Yeah. Oh.

That's the only explanation for why you survived. Quite frankly. So we need to decide, are we going to Nookington or are we gonna go through the woods? Nah, it's faster to go through the woods but it's safer to go through Nookington. Unless we're worried we're gonna get ratted out and sent back. Why don't we pull them out?

So you can take the woods to Nukington. And so the question is then, do you want to take the road or do you want to just cut across the main road from Drake Smith to Nukington and just take the woods all the time? So do we go this way or do we go this way? Yeah. Around Nukington. What's the problem? Is there an issue with Nukington? I don't think so. We know that it's not eerie controlled, correct? Or do we know that that one is eerie controlled? We believe it's controlled by the cats. But we don't know for sure.

until we get there. But you've not been. We have not been yet. Well, if we go through Nookington, we can go say hi to Hazel and her entire extended family and see how they're doing after the double funeral. Yeah, we could. I'm feeling a little introverted. So I'm not sure I'm up for big family gatherings and with

the old coop back here i think we got enough family for wait one double funeral that's what we heard yeah it's not looking good you think there's any uh single ants in that family after a funeral everybody's always yeah we should we should take the we should keep going we should go to a double few

Knock it off, Dad. That's creepy. Don't be a weirdo. Okay. Well, I'm saying, I'm saying if there's anyone single, any single... No, you're being a creep. You're being a creepy guy. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay. I'm just standing here collecting my Mac

and cheese. Settle down, all right? It's a current year, Dad. Settle down. You're being a creep. Whoa, whoa. Gosh, times have changed. You can't just say that you want to go to a funeral and get on some grieving ants these days. You can't say nothing these days. You can't. You can't. That's right. You can't. Whoa. Whoa.

I'm so embarrassed. Whoa, fine. We're going through the woods, but everybody's got to keep their guard up, pay attention where we're going. This isn't going to be a cake walk here. It's going to be a forest walk. That's right, and a dangerous one at that. It is? Yes. Why? All sorts of things lurk in the forest. I miss the lava lamp. I'm sure the lava lamp misses you, too. Can we get a move on, please? Well, should we pick up at least the boxes of mac and cheese? I mean...

I mean, it would be food. I can pick up a couple. I think we need water to make these actual meals. Some boxes split open. And then we also need some kind of milk. We definitely don't have that.

Do cows exist in this world? That's a great question. I've met a few cows. They're nice fellas. Oh, God. You know, most of us get our milk from almonds. You just squeeze the teats and then... Almond teats? Almond teats. I've never been one to know much about milk and almonds. That's for sure.

You can get a lot of milk out of just a handful of teats. Wow. Isn't there like a river to the south where you can get water there and then we can make mac and cheese after we milk some almonds or cows? We definitely don't want to go out of the way. We want to stay away from the rivers. We've got to be careful of the otters. It's dangerous through Nookington. It's dangerous through the woods and it's dangerous next to the river. It's dangerous everywhere. We live in the dimwood. Well, then let's go

- He can get laid, we can meet up. - No, no, I do not wanna go to that side flight. That's horrific. I don't wanna do anything about that. - I liked that joke, Derek, thank you. - Thanks, shit. - Well, fine, I'll just make a new sack control out of my old bag, all this stuff. - Just make sure you only bring the mac and cheese, all right? - Oh, my little bobble-headed dancing,

Ocelot. Is that Ocelot wearing a hula skirt? What the hell is this? Oh gosh, fine, I'll leave her to-- What's an ocelot?

It's a mythical cryptid. They've got little hands. That's how she's able to hold that ukulele. Yeah. Oh, it's like a little sloth-looking thing. Yeah. It's a little sloth monkey. He's got hands. It's a famous cryptid. There might be... I used to come out into these woods looking for the ocelot. I had a bunch of buddies that I used to be in a cryptid enjoyer and researcher group. We never found trace of the ocelot, but I know that she exists. Yeah. I know...

"Ah, well, we'll keep looking. We'll find him eventually." "You know about the Ocelot?" "They got little hands." "They got little hands?" "That's the Ocelot Lasalittle, you know?" "They walk around and everyone says that it's just a critter in an Ocelot costume."

That's not true at all! Who would do that? Are you suggesting that there's an ocelot and an ocelittle, like a major and minor? No, no, that's just how the mythos goes. It's about their ocelittle hands and their ocelottle bodies. I see. I see. Oh, they have big bodies? Even though they have little hands? That's right. Whoa. The better to sneak into your window at night and steal your teeth.

And then put them underneath your pillow. And these creatures live out here in the woods? Yes. They have plenty of sightings. I've never had to travel through the woods before. Just so I'm following. You're saying they steal your teeth, they put them under your own pillow so you can find them in the morning. You wake up without any teeth. They're all underneath your pillow, yeah. Like a gross little bag with human teeth and maybe a removed tongue? I don't know what a human is, but yeah, sure. What kind of message are they trying to send you?

Don't. Just watch out. Wait, and you're saying there's a wild ocelot on the loose? You said that the ocelot removes your tongue? That's what I thought they said. They do, yeah. Oh my god, so the ocelot's that cobbler guy from town. He had hundreds of people's tongues all up in that house. Oh, shit. No, I don't believe it. We gotta go back and kill Pendleton. No, he's good people. He's a nice guy. No, he had souls and tongues in there. That's...

That seems like a hard thing to measure. There's no way. There's no way, old Pendleton. He has to at least be in league with the Ocelot if he's got that many tongues. Where else is he going to get them from? We'd have to go. Pendleton the Cobbler could never be defeated.

That's very funny. Okay, everyone, I've had enough shoe and foot puns. Can we proceed further? I would like to try it. I'm trying to get us moving here. Yeah, let's shake a leg. Okay, now we just gotta figure out a way to cross the river north. How many feet do you think it is until we get to the river? I don't know. I've never been a math magician. Do we have to cross the river? Thousands. No, we have to just go north. Oh.

Or does the demon use the matrixes? No, we don't have to cross anything. We can just go. We just go. We could cross once and then cross it again. Dad, have you been drinking? Oh, no, you're right. It's directly south of us. No, sorry. That's just me. Okay. Well, I have done a little roughing it in my youth, and I spent time in these woods looking for the fabled ocelot. Never found it.

Hold on. These boxes are all just filled with loose macaroni. Yeah, it's weird how they do that. Isn't it weird? There's been a hole in my bag. Actually, speaking of which. Hold on. What say you if Quasimodo can tell the future with macaroni? Why couldn't one of us? I don't know where you're going with this, but there's absolutely nothing stopping you from trying.

Well, didn't the Don say that he was born with the gift of soothsaying? Yeah, but I'm going to be honest. I don't really believe it. I'm the creator of the universe and magic. Oh, that's true. That's a good point. Bitsy is unhinged and taps into elder evils that not even I can comprehend. I'm hinged. You're hutched.

you're unhatched actually yeah i haven't seen my hutch in a long time i hope everything that was living inside of it is still alive when we get back what you left things living inside you didn't tell us that there's something living in there well it's just like

You wouldn't tell us what was in the hodge! Well, I told you enough. The secrets of the universe. And apparently living things that are no longer living. Well, like, I might have had like a lily in there and no one's watered it and it could be dead. Oh, you know this one time I was gifted for my birthday a little succulent. You know, succulents, they exist in the desert. You don't have to water them. They're basically just invincible.

Well, I had it for a couple of years and I was telling my friend, well, thank you so much for giving me that fake succulent because I kill every plant I come into contact with. And they said, what do you mean? Actually, this was Hazel, by the way. They said, what do you mean? That was a real succulent I gave you. I said, oh, shit. And I started watering it. Within a month, it was dead. Oh, no. Yeah. The moral of the story is, yeah. So it's like Schrodinger's succulent.

As long as you believe it's fake, it lives. But as soon as you believe it's alive, it dies. I had it for two years before I found out it was alive and killed it. I'm sorry about your succulent. No, it's all right. Anyway. We should get going. No, about the macaroni, though. Do you think we should just throw it on the ground and see if it tells us something? What did Booker say? I think the way he put it was great.

You certainly welcome to try... something like that. Good job. You nailed it. You got it. We could prop the macaroni every few feet and then we'd have a trail back in case we had to get out. I don't think we want anything trailing towards us either, though. Yeah, the ocelot could find us. Good idea. Don't do what I just said. You know what? I think that's fair. Let's not leave anything out of the park.

We have to clean all this shit up? I dropped a... I don't know how to clean up a lava lamp. It's all gooey. Burn it, Wood. Just leave it. Just leave it. It'll be fine. Again, it's just gonna look like someone got mugged. We're fine. This is gonna be a long trip. Oh, yeah. Very long. I hope in a few hundred feet we run into a cheap motel. Yeah, you and me both, sister. I'm not sure that's gonna happen, but we can always hope. We can always hope.

It's getting dark. Yeah, don't worry. It'll be fine. It's noon. Both me and my dad, we were critter scouts. That's how we learned how to start fires. We were fuzz scouts. That's right, fuzz scouts. He achieved the rank of bearded dragon. Oh, wow. That's the top highest fuzz scout you can be. Bearded dragon. That's right.

I only attained the rank of blue-footed booby. I was hoping to finish one day, but it just kind of got away from me. That's funny. I've got wilderness survival all up here in the noggin. It's all still there. Good old fuzz scouts. That's how we start fires. We'll be fine in just a couple nights of roughing it. Wow, I'm so glad we brought your dad. I didn't know he was so handy and capable. And in my pack, I have a hamak. A what? To sleep in a hamak. I don't know what you're saying.

You know, one of those rope beds. Rope beds? A bed made of ropes? Yeah, you string it from one tree to the next, so while we're out here, if we're gonna be roughing it, we can just sleep in a hammock. A hammock? Mm-hmm. I'll have to make me one of them. I don't think you could, unless you were an incredibly talented ropesmith, and you're just a pug. Well...

My inventory says right here I have 50 feet of hemp and rope. That's not going to be enough to make a full-blown hamak. Well, 50 feet? You know how long 50 feet is? It's pretty substantial. Yeah, and I pick up my realistic human foot.

You would take 50 of these and put one right after the other, and that's how long it would be. That's a long rope. Yeah, but once you start tying it together into knots, it wouldn't work. Are your feet the actual equivalent size of a foot? Yeah, absolutely. Those are gigantic feet. Such a small little problem. Oh, well, thanks.

Thank you, Jugplot! Aren't you so nice? Your balance is impressive. Your central gravity's got to be. I mean, I don't want to take credit for my mom. He gave them to me. Nobody can push you over. That's true. If Pendleton is the Ocelot, he's going to take you first. I mean, it's all right if you want to mire them.

They are quite the spectacle. I have a water skin and a tinderbox and one day of rations and a pen with a bee on it and a notepad and a mess kit and a dart and a bedroll and a spelling bee winner blue ribbon.

Oh, actually, I took this Bella Bee Blue Ribbon. You did? You took it from me? Yeah, when you were sleeping. Oh, I'll just remove it from my inventory. Move to Peggy. Yeah, but I gave you something in return. Oh, what'd you give me? A rusty knife. There's some questionable stains on it, but I think it was some cleaning up. It should be just fine. Thank you. You're welcome. Well, leave it to me to lead us through these woods. Oh!

Of course, Mr. T-Raccoon! We're right behind you! Like Book said, we were fuzz scouts. I made it to bearded dragon. I taught little Booker everything he knows. So, uh... Okay, if there's moss growing on this side, then we gotta do it this way, I think. No, Wes is that way. Dad, Wes is that way. Oh, oh, you're right. You're right. Okay, I'm gonna leave now. He's still warming up. Don't worry. I'm warming up.

Let it all come back to you. Okay, I got my satchel of macaroni. Goodbye, Hula Ocelot. Hula Ocelot. Maybe this is good for character development for me. Surely nothing can go wrong in these woods. Well, there's a lot that can go wrong in the woods, Chad. That's why we're being careful, all right? All right. Okay, let's go. And he leads you.

I need everyone to make a survival check. To see how we do. And what you do is you spend... You do a full day's travel from about noon to... Oh, not bad. Not bad. I got an 18. 18? What's the prompt? 15. Survival. You're going through the woods. Oh. So how are you trying to assist in going through the woods? I would be trying to...

Not fall and scout ahead, but use my hearing and my perception, my heightened senses to make sure there isn't trouble coming the way we're going and not leading everyone into danger. Okay. I got an eight, so every time we will pass underneath a branch without hitting it, I make that observation.

- We're going right into that one. - I got a nine, so I occasionally have a panic attack or an asthma attack and slow us down for 15 to 20 minutes. - Got it. - Got it. - Jon Flaughton, Grumbling.

I got a 12 and I don't think I've ever traveled through the woods before. Oh no. So very, very frequently I'd be asking for stops so we could take a brief sit down and I could massage my bunions that are growing. Oh yeah. Roughly every time begging is an asthma attack. Yeah, exactly right. I rolled a 16 and I think it's a plus two. So 18. Nice. 18. 18, yeah. Okay.

A woodsman. A woodsman. He actually, surprisingly, starts to get it. And with Grumly sniffing around, with Booker's experience being a fuzz scout, and his dad, the stumbling of the other three allows you to actually make a fairly direct towards Nookin' Tempest.

We're going around. We're going around. I guess towards the northwest. Yep. Keeping away, so going through the heart of the forest. Basically like equidistant between the river and the clearing. Yeah, and so you know when order takes place. The deepest, darkest part of the forest. You know that these woods...

With no access to water. While the edges of the forests are used for hunting of the creatures in the woods and for foraging, the deepest, darkest parts of the forest are avoided by all denizens of the Dimwood.

because the stability that was brought by the Marquisat and by building the roads and cutting the path through the forest to allow for much safer travel, it's not been done here. The things that lurk here have not dealt with civilization in many cases, many years, if not ever. As the sun goes down,

As darkness falls, it being autumn, the sun sets quite early, and you know that it is foolishness to try to continue onward while it's dark. You eventually make a camp, and the fire is crackling as the... it feels very eerie.

to be in the heart of the wood. You know that if you had been able to just cut straight to Nookington, go along the road, you might have risked perhaps being spotted by soldiers of the Eyrie or the Marquis of the Border. But you wouldn't have to face the creatures of the wood. But now as you make your way into the heart of this woodland, you start to hear the snapping of branches, things fluttering overhead.

creatures lurking around, chirping of strange insectoid larynxes. You never see what's in these woods, but you hear that this wood is alive and you are not alone. The fire is crackling. What do you all do? Hey, you all right?

Isn't it so fun? Oh, a campfire. It's going to be all right. When was the last time we've camped under the... I guess we can't really see any stars, but, you know, out in the wilderness. I feel like it's been clearing to clearing this whole series. Hey, it's been all right. We've done it before. We'll do it again. We've survived every time. It's like the old days. It's like the old days. But we're deep.

and dark in the forest. I don't know if we've ever been this deep and dark in the forest before. We have, we have. We've been through some rough stuff, and we're tough. We're tough, and you and your dad, you're wilderness experts, so you keep us safe. Experts a little bit strong, but yeah, we'll get there. We'll be all right. You've been through these parts of the forest before. Maybe not these particular parts of the forest, but yes, we've spent nights in the woods. We've traversed so many deep, dark areas. It's been fun.

Well, that's good to know. I don't scare easy, but I have to admit to a certain amount of unsettlement with these here woods here. Well, and I'll be honest with you, too. When we did it before, I was a different person. I was a lot more murderous, more willing to stab somebody with a dagger. Now I'm a lot more of a banjo guy, so we'll see how things shake out. Yeah, you would much rather jump on someone and try and snap the neck.

That's right, which you missed that too. Didn't go so well. Oh, you told me the story of the bare hand trying to snap the neck. That's how we met. It'd have been different if you'd seen it. Well, yeah, I suppose. Yeah, you would have had secondhand embarrassment. Well, I got a nice pot of macaroni cooking.

Oh, yum dinner. Where did you get the water? Well, I scooped it up when we passed that stream. Oh, that's fun. When ever you pass a creek or a stream, you got to make sure you refill your water. Did you boil the water first? I'm boiling it now. Before you put the mac and cheese in there?

Eh, it'll be fine. It'll all cook out. Don't anybody eat the mac and cheese. It'll all cook out. Do not eat the mac and cheese. Why not? Because if you don't boil the water first, it's not going to be good. It's going to look like Mr. Ledoux's desk. I could have sworn. We're already out of mac and cheese. How much did we eat? What do you mean? I had days worth of mac and cheese in this bag. We haven't eaten any mac and cheese. Hold on. Oh, there's a hole in my bag. Oh. What do you mean, Dad?

We lost all the macaroni. You have got to be the worst bag baker I've ever met. Well, Branch eviscerated it. Another Branch? That already happened. We did that already. You had it twice. Well, you were salvaging your ruined bag, huh? You're making cheese, and this is how you repay me? Don't worry. I'm just making an observation. As your son tells it, you're making dysentery cheese. That's right. That's right. The lawyer's right.

Dysentery cheese? I always hear about dysentery in the ranks of the gobble ghoul crime family. I don't care about no dysentery. That's pretty funny. I've got a ration, though. I've got a day's worth of ration. We can all split. I've had it since you found me right outside of Pottsville. I've got a ration on my lower back. What? What?

What is that? Vincy, are you alright? What's that face? Nothing. Can we share it? What is that? Oh, God. Nothing, it's nothing.

I don't have a ration anymore. I forgot. I ate it. So we don't have any food is what we're saying. We got no food? This is the last pot of mac and cheese. I don't know where the rest of it went. But we're not eating that either. It's got dysentery and giardia or something. There's no more food. We have to eat it or we'll starve.

You're gonna be starving a lot worse once you eat that and you just shit all your guts out. Why would I shit my guts out? Because he didn't clean the water before he made the mac and cheese. Or if you were trying to frame your brother. To be killed. What if we tried... Dysentery, giardia, all those things. Those are serious illnesses. Is there anything out here to hunt? I mean, I'm not really much of a...

A hunter? That's definitely not my expertise. Well, and in the dead of night, I can't see five feet past my face. Especially since I've been staring at this fire. We're all practically night blind. Oh, my God. Have you ever heard of the dark forest theory? What? No. What is that? Oh, God. Booker, we're in a dark forest right now, aren't we? Okay, yeah, yeah, we are. So what that means is when you're in a dark forest and you make a fire...

Then everyone else in the forest can see you. Oh, no. And we can't see anyone. Oh, you're right. I'm completely blind if I turn around. And the theory purports that our intentions are unknown to any outside observers. Okay, I'm following. And it would be in their best interests to kill us without asking questions for their own safety. Ah, that does put us in a little bit of a pickle. Well, I can always set up my alarm.

Oh, you could! Oh, could you please? You know, I don't mind. It's going to take me about ten minutes or so. That would be an amazing peace of mind. Also, that was very eloquent of you. Where did you learn that? Oh, um, I read a book about it once. Wow, I didn't know you read books. Well, I used to. Okay, well, I hope that we have more time for that in the future. Back when they let me read books. Well, you can do whatever you want now. You're free.

They stopped making-- made you stop reading books? They did. When you get in trouble, they take the books away. Oh. What kind of books did you read? What kind of trouble did you get into? Oh, just like fun books, you know, like-- About Dark Force theories, yeah. Well, you know, adventures or I don't know.

If you want to read a book, I don't have all of them, but when I was a little girl, I used to love the Babysitter's Cub. And it's a book about all these babysitters. And they would just watch these little bear cubs all the time. And it would be about the cool things that they did in their off time. It's more for like, you know, young frogs and their early teens. But you could read them if you want.

Oh, that's for little girls. No, I got... You big boy like you should be reading the Charmin Stain Bands. That's...

Oh, that's gross, Dad. Oh, you love the Charmin Stain Bears. What the hell? I don't know what you're talking about. You're freaking me out. Family of bears that lived in the woods and just loved shitting. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it was the Charmin Steen Bears. What are you talking about? What? No, it was the Charmin Stain Bears. No, no, I read those books. I promise you it was the Charmin Steen.

Well, why don't I just read both of them? You can have this, all right? Oh, that's nice. I bequeath these to you. Oh. I did have it, but I had to throw it out with my jug. There's a whole pile of Charmin Stain Bears books!

The stain was all this shit stain on account of them loving shit. If you look on the bright side, I thought it was going to offer the place for her. I'm sorry. I was a little worried about that. I'm sorry he ruined a really touching moment. Don't listen to what he says. It doesn't matter who or what you are. You can read whatever kind of books you like. If the story speaks to you, so enjoy it. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. This looks really fun. It is really fun. It's nice and wholesome.

I hope the main character is the chosen one and has two different colored eyes. That's my favorite. What'd you do to get in trouble to get your books taken away? Oh, just like, you know, various things that they would like tell me to do, like, oh,

That guy spit on a guard. Can you go kill him about it? For spittin' on somebody? The penalty was death? I'm like, "Oh, I don't really want to do that."

Can you go beat up this poor destitute family whose harvest was ruined because they owe the cats tax money? And I'm like, well, that doesn't sound very friendly. What? And so I'd be like, I don't want to do that. And, you know. And all they did was take your books away? Well, not just that. I mean, you know.

First, they, you know, they maybe give you less snacks in the mess hall, and then maybe you skip meals, and then, you know, they start taking away your recreation. And then they start removing you from interacting with, you know, your fellow comrades to break you down mentally. And after that, it's the newspaper. And then they eventually just kick you out.

all right why did you ever tell us about this this is terrible well i mean you know it's it's it's it's my fault i mean i'm the one that broke the rules you know my whole thing was to serve the marquees up you know and and that's kind of what i'm supposed to do and so most of the orders i i got real good i'm really good at standing in one place and you know making sure that

You know, I'm present. Yeah, and you could look in two different directions at once, which is kind of amazing. I can, I can. That makes you such a good guy. Yeah, so they would post me up in a hallway, and so I could look down both sides of the hallway at once. Which came first, the looking down the hallway or the ability to look down the hallway?

What does that even mean? Like, were you able to look down both ways in the hallway when you got started? Or did you learn how to do it because you were trying to look down both ways? No, I think they discovered that power was within me the whole time. And they utilized it. That sounds like one of those protags. You're like...

Oh! Oh my gosh! You're basically like that. I never considered that I was a chosen one as well. Yeah, maybe you are. Well, since I don't have two different colored eyes, I figured there was no way. Well, I heard that you-- And there's a story about that in the show. Same there's! Well, remember when I was posted outside of Mr. Ledoux's office? Yeah. And I was guarding Jean-Claude in case he got caught? And nobody got in. And I could see down both ends of that hallway at once.

You know, that's a sad story. I'm going to give you one of my books that I have suddenly because Chad made a funny recommendation. I'm going to steal it from Chad. I hand you a book. It says human morphs on the front. And you see an animal and it just transforms. Holy hell! What's it turning into? A human. What the hell is that? A human morph? It's crazy. It's all about magic.

Where did you find this book? This thing is kind of freaky. That book was banned by the year. What the fuck is this? Is that a mammal without fur? Someone has a wild imagination. Maybe you'll enjoy it. I didn't know you were into scary books. Try these goosebumps. That's very clever. Oh, no, stop.

That's pretty scary, Brumley. I don't want you to be scared. Oh. You might have nightmares if you read The Goosebumps. Wait, this is scary? It's a scary book, yeah. It's not just the bumps on geese? That's about a ventriloquist dummy that comes to life. You know he's going to have nightmares. Well, I thought you...

Bitsy gave him a scary book. She shouldn't have. That thing is horrifying. I know. I looked at the cover. I would never let Booker read that. He did like his goosebumps, though. But, Book, do you remember when we used to go to the Squirlastic Book Fair? I do. I remember those times fondly, Dad. It was good. And you always came with a stack of books. And I'm like, just get one.

I couldn't just get one. You can never just get one in the Squalic Book Fair. It's so good. The covers are enticing, some of that cover. The Squalic Book Fair had this scent to it that nothing can ever emulate. That's right. That's where I got a first edition Harry Possum. Really? I used to go down to the Harry Possum. Woo!

That's very funny. That was a good joint. Oh, I took Booker there when he turned 14. He went to the Harry Possum. Yeah, I was probably a little young. Right after this everlasting book fair. Looking back on it, I don't think that was very good parenting. They had a great girl, Chi.

What do you mean? You love the grilled cheese and the hairy possum. I was kind of scarring. I think that was inappropriate for you to bring a young teen into the place called the hairy possum. Oh, I forgot about the macaroni. It's awful dry and mushy. But oh, hey, we got this powder. There we go. Should it be that neon orange?

That's unnatural. No, guys, I'm telling you, please don't eat it. They ship it in. Please don't do it. It was the Riverboat Company that brings it in. Who knows? They say it's from the Hollywood. We don't have any other food. Well, you're eating that. I'm going to go ahead and set up the alarm. Please do. For 10 minutes, I'm going to go. Make a reception check. Yeah, 20...

20-foot cube around us. Natural 20. Oh! Plus something. Did she say that this book was about a ventriloquist puppet that comes to life? Yeah, it's very scary. I shouldn't read that. I have a phobia of that. Don't. Please don't. You're going to be up all night. You're going to be bothering me, telling me, asking me, book, are you awake? Book, are you awake? Over and over again. And then I'm going to have to

Soothe you and calm you down and get you back to bed. Well, it would be rude to give it back, so why don't we just play it off like I read it? Okay, just pretend. Okay, I'll pretend. Okay, communal mac and cheese pot. Soup's on. And the great thing about being in the woods is you find a stick with two points and you break them off and you got a little spork right here, huh? See? Oh, no. Oh, my God.

It's a branch from like poison sumac or something. It calls up like varches.

I take the... If he passes the pot to me... Nature's spoon! I immediately... After he passes the pot to me, I'll pass it on and I'll say, I will be having sleep for dinner. Go ahead. There's nothing else to eat? Final warning. I wouldn't eat that. We gotta have dinner, Booker. No, I'm fasting. I'll make it till tomorrow. But there's nothing else. What's gonna happen if I eat this? Fasting? Meh. You might poop your pants. No. To death. Come on! You might poop your pants to death. You don't like your old man's cooking? You love...

I'll pass.

Yeah, they shit off the side. That's exactly right! I suppose I'll pass too. Oh, come on! Don't be a coward! I'm not going out to the bathroom by myself. Are you a big chicken? You're darn right. Have you seen me? Have you seen this barrel chest? I'm a great big chicken. Unbelievable. Somebody's gonna eat my cooking, huh?

I wouldn't do it. I can't stop you. You're free to do whatever you want. But I'm telling you, death by pants pooping is a bad way to go. What if I had just a little bit as a treat? Well, then you might little bit poop your pants to death. Why don't you take a lot of it? But Mr. Shantaclip poops his pants and he's a lawyer. Well, I don't know my pants for all. Technically, he pooped in a desk. Oh, so as long as I put my pants down, it'll be fine? Well, no, he lived. You might not...

I'm gonna die. It's possible. This mac and cheese could kill me. No, it can't. More importantly. Are you kidding me? If you poop in your pants, you're gonna have to roll to see if it bursts into flames and your throat explodes. Oh no, I definitely don't like any of those things. It's always possible. It's like a one in one. And so you poop in your pants a lot.

There's a good chance you just burst into flames in your throat. Booker, he always used to tell stories around the campfire and fuzz scouts, and he's telling tall tales. You're fine. I was a pretty good storyteller, but this is real. I'm not making this up. Look, here's nature's book. I made one for you, kid. Does it work?

Both of you make persuasion checks. Oh, baby! I got a plus five! Roll for me, roll for me. Oh, 17 with my plus nine. You got a seven. Yes! Yes! I should do the right thing. We would never go to battle.

with a big stomach full of mac and cheese. - We'll poop in your pants. - I'll be more vigilant. - That happens after the battle. - If I pass on dinner, I appreciate you making this. - Yes, yes, in your face, daddy, listen to me.

In your face! I'm gonna go to this side of the camp and no one bother me while I'm eating my Dookie Mac and cheese! I got nature's spork! Give me that nature's spork! Okay, Dad, and when you go over there and you start shitting your pants to death, don't come back into the camp crying to me! Fine, well, if I need to shit, I can just dig a hole and use Mars! That's what nature's toilet paper is! Dig a big enough hole, because when you die, you'll fall and it'll be a grave! It was in...

and you had red, the Charmin State Bears, they're always wiping their ass with moss and you wouldn't know them. Get out of here, Dad! Fine, I'm gonna get out of here. I'm not going out of here! More for me! You're so sick of that guy! Peggy, as you have been setting up your alarm, you place one cicada, one cicada, ah!

One cicada. And you're placing them around. You find macaroni. And you kind of look around and although it's dark, the moon is kind of shining through and you see that there is a trail of macaroni leading from the camp in the direction that you came. Deep into the woods. Well, that's where all of his macaroni went. Anyway, cicadas.

You're not allowed to let anything in here that's tiny or bigger, you understand me, unless it is the five of us and Booker's dad. And I'm going to turn around and walk back into the cave. Booker's dad kind of scrumbles by, kicks one of the cicadas. Ah!

But it recognized him. So it won't yell. Oh, fuck! But the other tiny and bigger things that make their way in and out of the forest does this want to do, it is going to be a very loud and uncomfortable night for everybody. That happens. I pull out my ten darts and I make a little target of a knot in a tree and I practice...

I'm just trying to get the center as best I can as one does playing a game almost. I'm sorry, guys. That was crazy. I don't know what happened. That's quite all right. I couldn't believe you made mac and cheese like that. That's appalling, right? Oh, was there any mac and cheese left? No, he took it all with him. You don't want it. I'm telling you, you don't want it. It's going to make you sick. I mean, why?

Why? You missed some family drama. Oh, tell me about what happened. Well, first off, speaking of the macaroni,

Yeah, there's a trail of macaroni coming straight into our little camp here. However, it's really dark and I've got asthma. What do you mean, a trail of macaroni? Well, yeah, because there was a hole in your dad's pack, so my guess is as he was walking, he left a trail of macaroni behind him. Like whole boxes or a trail of macaronis? Like Hansel and Gretel, you know, that story. I still don't know what you're talking about. You mean to say all the way from town, there's a trail of... Leaning right to where we're at, yeah. Beauregard.

of macaroni and dysentery cheese and all the way to our campsite? She's referring to elbow noodles. Okay, all right. Well, so that presents a problem. Yeah, but it's too dark and I've got too much asthma for us to go out and deal with the noodles. Why is it a problem that he spilled noodles in the middle of the woods? If anybody's looking for us, they're going to follow the noodles right to us.

It's gonna be like a pathway. Who would follow a trail of noodles through the deep, dark woods? Are you crazy? That's exactly what otters do. Who eats a noodle? They follow noodles in the dark woods. It's a humomorph!

That's like a CR40 monster we could toast. Yeah, we'd be dead instantly. You just follow noodles through the woods? I didn't know that, I wasn't in Fun Scouts. I don't think there's anything we can do about it. The trail is incredibly long, and by the time, like, we could go off and clear it, but by the time, we would be backtracking. We'd keep moving forward. And then honestly, by the time that we got midway, if anyone's following, they're just gonna meet up with us, and they would see the light from our campfire anyway, so I suggest...

We just hope that no one follows the noodles and if anything the cicadas are gonna scream if anything comes over the line. So we should be fine.

So what you're saying is they will be the hunters in the dark forest? We should put out the fire. We should put out the fire. We should put out the fire. We should put out the fire right away. Of course I don't dare put out the fire. I'm playing darts. I can't see without the fire. That's the point. They won't be able to see us. Look, I can't see in the dark. I can see in the dark. I can't see in the dark very well. But I'll watch for you. To be fair, you can't see in the light very well. We

We don't want them to sneak up on us, just like we said. I don't-- listen, after all that talk about the creature that stalks the woods and steals your teeth, I don't want to be hunted by a macaroni trail, teeth-stealing monster. The macaroni in the fire's gonna lead 'em right to us. Oh god, we should put the fire out. Okay, okay, okay, we can't because it's way too cold. It's much too cold.

It is a brisk evening. This is like a little chilly. But it's a little chilly with the fire blazing. If we put that fire out, we're all gonna freeze to death. As night descends, the temperature drops, especially in the shrouded cover of the woods.

I don't want to freeze to death. What are we going to do if something stalks upon us and all of our limbs are frozen and we can't run? I could throw a bunch of darts into them. That's a good point. Yeah, but you won't be able to if you can't see because we don't have a fire. And at this point, we can probably be seen from miles away, so they know where we are even if we did put our fire out. Maybe we need to make more fire. I don't know. So they're scared. I don't know. We scare them with fire. My vote's put the fire out, but...

Oh yeah, you know what? We should have a vote. No more votes. We don't have any paper. It doesn't have to be anonymous. We just raise our hands. Who's in for putting the fire out? Me. It's Booker. Booker wants to put the fire out. Who wants to leave the fire going? Oh, that's not good.

Well, there's a tie. It's a tiebreaker. How was the tie? Did anybody else vote for me? Well, I voted for putting the fire out. Oh, you didn't vote? Yeah, you voted. Yes, and you have to break the tie. What do you want to do? Oh, you abstained. Oh, convince me. I've already said my piece. I said my piece, too. It's either we do it or we don't. Either way, we're probably dead. As a third option, I think we should make more fire. No, then we're just going to burn down the forest.

Then no one's going to be able to follow us in the forest. We'll be dead. Oh! Forest fires are no joke, Bitsy. I guess. I guess. They're a huge, destructive force. They could take out entire towns.

From one town to the next, the fire would rage. The smell of flesh burning, popping, crackling, hair singeing, death billowing up towards the clouds. It would be unstoppable. Someone who had the ability to do something like that could be a god, a king among men, a godfrog queen. A terrible godfrog queen. Death in her eyes, destruction in her wake. One little fire stands no chance against the force of something like that.

Let's put the fire out. And I'll start kicking dirt onto the fire to try to, like, to try to put it out and, like, get it as much low as we can. Make a survival check to see how well you create a kill count. Even though being in the, uh, fuzz scouts, my survival's not very good. Unless I roll a natural 20. Oh!

22. You snuff. Even the embers and the coals are completely out as darkness swallows the camp. I rub my eyes and I try to get my eyes adjusted to the darkness as quickly as possible. It takes a while. It takes a couple minutes, but your eyes do get adjusted. And I'm like... As the moonlight... There's a bit of moonlight between the canopy. You are approaching the deepest heart

I'm peeking through behind trees. I'm looking and I'm trying to keep an eye out for things. In darkness, you can never see death coming up behind you. Oh, Peggy, could you stop saying scary things? Can you see anything coming up behind you in lightness? No, but you can see things coming up in front of you, but you can't see anything in front or on the side or behind you in the dark. Okay, good. I was just checking because I can't see behind me.

If you were an owl, you could, because your head can spin around 360 degrees. Yeah, but that's not behind them, because they're just turning their head. They're just facing a new direction. That's horse shit.

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Why is he smiling so big already? He's gonna bumroach the whole army of perverts. It's gonna be ocelots and hula hoops coming out of the woodwork. All you hear is the loud breathing and huffing and gurgling mac and cheese of Beauregard as he, in the darkness, is eating his mac and cheese all by himself. And you're at the camp.

Well, now we can't play darts. That's fine. Just keep your eyes open for anything that might be coming down the pathways. But I need to close my eyes in order to go to sleep.

Oh no. Oh god. I might? Well, yeah.

Don't scare him. I mean, I can't see at all. You should go to sleep. I set up alarms. Why are we worried? We got alarms going. Oh, we do have those alarms. Yeah, we'll all wake up immediately if anything happens. I'll read you a bedtime story, okay? Okay, okay. And I'll take my armor off and I'll get curled up in this cold camp.

The ventriloquist pulled out his dummy box and opened it. Oh, okay. The two clasps made a loud "shunk!" "Shunk!" sound. Oh, okay. And the top creaked open. Oh, no! The puppet's not alive, is it? There's no way that puppet's alive, right? But before the ventriloquist could reach in, a tiny ventriloquist hand... ...slapped up on the top of the box. The puppet's alive! Oh, God!

Oh wait, this is the wrong one. I told you not to read in that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, hold on, hold on. Why was it alive? It was a puppet. It's not real. It doesn't make any sense. It's fake, it's a fake story. It's all right. Here, I'll start again. The opossum who lived. I start reading Harry Opossum. That's very funny. Eventually I would go to bed unless something happens. You...

You hear the voice of Beauregard as he wanders back. Cold camp, huh? That's smart. Dad, keep your voice down. I'm telling ghost stories. No, no, we're watching out for danger. You apparently left a mac and cheese trail all the way to us. What? A noodle trail. I would never do that. You did. The bag tore open. That's why all the mac and cheese pour out of your bag. I would never do that. Well, not on purpose, I know, but it was an accident.

If we're telling ghost stories in the cold day... Goddammit! I never... What? Son, I never did tell you what... Me and... You remember... You remember Uncle Clarence?

Yeah, of course I remember Uncle Clarence. Yeah, good fox guy, you know. We were pals. We were fishing buddies. We were, you know, we hit the track. Okay, where's this going, Dad? He also, he was also an enthusiast of the cryptids. Okay. And I never told you this because I didn't want to scare you.

Clarence and I went out looking for the Ocelot. Yeah. And he never returned. No. No. You're telling me that's what happened to Uncle Clarence? You told me he fell off a ladder.

Hold the ladder, Verity. What do you mean, from a certain point of view? But you really should make sure you don't go up a ladder that's not secured. I know, I always... It's very easy to die falling off a ladder. I always make sure that Bromley holds the ladder for me. That's good. That's good, but... Are you saying that you used the potential kidnapping by monsters of one of your childhood friends to teach your son a lesson about climbing ladders? As a father, wouldn't you?

Well, I think I teach him the lesson about not going into the woods. It's better than scarring the poor boy after what it was I saw in these very woods. Well, what did you see? That I'm not convinced. We went looking for the ocelot. And I hate to say it, we found it. 20 feet tall. That's more than 15 feet. Horrific long arms. And real big hands. Big hands? Yes.

Short little legs. Horrible glowing eyes. A terrible face, hairless. Like some sort of hairless mammal face. What? But the little hands that take your teeth. Oh, they're there alright. In the thousands. All in its fur. A whole colony of horrific giant centipedes with strange five-fingered hands.

They're the ones that steal the teeth and bring it back to the Ocelot! When it came upon us, 20 years ago, I heard Clarence screaming. I ran. What I saw that night, I never want to see again. What did you see?

I saw the ocelot. Were you listening to his describing? He just described what he saw. He just told you. Like a square inch by a square inch. Was there like a lot of blood? Or viscera? If you're not careful with how you ask the questions, you can start the whole story over. No, no, no, don't start the story. I mean like about your friend. Did you like see evidence of it? Was he like a bloody punk? Was his neck broken? Was his head removed? I saw the shadow. Was he skinned alive? He was taking a leak in the woods.

And I said, you shouldn't go that far, Clarence. And he said, nah, I'm fine. I'm a loud pisser, so I don't want to wake you up. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Uncle Clarence told you that? Yeah. Why would he tell you that? We were good friends. Why would you share that detail with a friend of yours? Well, he said he was a loud pisser, and so he liked to go far into the woods so he wouldn't be embarrassed about pissing so loud. Suppose it's something you need to know about her. You have to keep...

pronouncing pissing the way that you do. And he went so far from the camp, but I can still hear him pissing. He really likes to attack him. He likes to attack the worm. You're spitting all over our faces. It's almost like you're pissing on us. Some say on quiet nights you can still hear him pissing. Some quiet nights, exactly right. Some saying he was snatched by the ocelot.

He's still pissing and feeding. Pissing with no teeth. I don't believe any of this. This is a stupid story. Uncle Clarence fell off a ladder and that's all there is to it. Did you hear that? That sounds like someone's pissing out in the forest. Oh my god. Is it really? I think I hear it too. I don't hear anything. No, I think I do maybe. I think I maybe do. No.

Oh, there it is. Oh, me too. You're Clarence. Is that you? I think I definitely hear it. Oh, my gosh. What day is it? Today is the anniversary of his disappearance. It's been one year? It's been 20 years to the night. So it's the 20th anniversary? The 20th anniversary. Oh, wow. That sounds like 20 years. Death of Clarence. The Ocelot got him. He got more than he bargained for.

Pissing for 20 years, that's a lot. That's a lot. You know after... Are you alright, Mr. T-Raccoon? Yeah, just a little bit of a... Sounds like you got a kidney stone or something there, Pop. You alright?

Zip-a-chase the mac and cheese coming back. No, you don't need the mac and cheese. I just, uh, I'm allergic to all this pollen out here. It just doesn't agree with me. You're turning red in the face there, Mr. Raccoon. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, come on, the dog, of course, farted. Why did the dog fart? Hey, don't you blame that on Grumly. No, it wasn't me. Come on, we're a mixed company. They're a ladies' prison. You don't know Grumly enough to be blaming that on him, all right? Who the hell made Beauregard shit his pants? Beauregard made Beauregard shit his pants. He made that mac and cheese. I told you all not to eat it. Oh, he definitely shit his pants. I'm so glad I didn't eat it. No. It smells like he shit his pants.

I'm just gonna go off into the woods to have a think about old Clarence. He bottles away. He's just taking tiny steps. Yeah, he's taking very small steps. There's a loud squelching noise whenever he steps. I told you guys. I'm glad you listened to me. Finally.

I can't hear you over the sound of your dance. And that would have been all of you. And you'd all be dead. And I'd be the only one. Your dad's a real loud shitter. Oh, Margaret, I hope. Also, Uncle Clarence did not get killed by some mythical creature. He fell off a ladder. Is he screaming about shitting? Probably. Just ignore him. Just ignore him. I think he said something about someone named Margaret. Oh. Wait. What?

Is he in trouble or is he just... This is trouble. I'm in trouble. He's on his own now. He's on his own. But I can do it on my own. I think we've all been there. I'll be digging a hole big enough for his corpse to fall in. Oh, God, this hole is way too small. Oh, God.

But we're not going to bury you when you die, old man. Oh, I hope I don't die, Ragnus. It's very likely. It's very likely. Should somebody play some music or something? I would love to, but I haven't been able to buy a new banjo. It is going to be just absolutely all wild if we did all this. All the theming, all the flim-flamming, all

the misdirection, all the faking our deaths. That's what I'm trying to say. To save your death. For nothing. Only for him to die of shit in the woods. With a hole not big enough to dig his dick.

You do have to roll a d100 because of your shit. That's true, you have to roll a d100. If you roll a one, you burst into flames. No, I thought your head explodes. It's a one. It's a one. It's a 100. If you roll a 100, your head explodes. It's a 100. You burst into flames. And your throat explodes. Your throat explodes, that's right.

He's good. Okay. All right. You sure about that? Sure about that? You sure about that? That was about to get real hereditary. All right, guys, we gotta go. Oh, this is just like...

favorite Charmin Stain Bears book. Charmin Stain, but... And he's just groaning. Cook stupid meals, win stupid prizes, I always say. Did anyone ever see that Genasi major image about Sinbad? What's a major image? Oh, you know, it's... That's not a thing in this book. No, no, no, it definitely is. It's where you go and you watch a play, but it's filled with major characters.

Oh, a play. I've seen tons of plays. Yeah, yeah, but in like newfangled cities they call major images now. Oh, like moving images. Yeah, and Sinbad was starring in one of them. Who's Sinbad? I told you, it was the Genasi. I don't know what that means. What's the Genasi? Oh, it's the Genasi. Oh, boy.

I think it's a certain type of gerbil. You're the only gen I see. That's very funny. That's pretty good. Hey, Booker. Yeah, what's up, Conway? Do I piss loud? Why are you asking me this, Conway? Well, I'm just worried.

I've never really heard it, you know, said that someone could be a loud pisser as opposed to maybe a normal or quiet pisser. I can honestly say with 100% accuracy that until this single moment, I've never thought of it. It's never come to my attention, so probably not. But what if I am a loud pisser? I think we'd know. We'd all know. Peggy would have said something to my mouth. And I attract the arse a lot. You're a loud breather. No, you're not a loud pisser. But what you...

There it is. What do you mean? You can't hear that? No, I don't know what you mean. Sounds like a bunch of gravel in a metal bucket.

We might as well relight the fire. We gotta hear you from before they see us. But I don't piss loud? Not that I'm aware of. Oh, thank goodness. Oh, I was so worried. No, it's not the sound of your piss that's the problem. You know what? I'm never going to be able to teach him how to bury his own poop. It's going to be all right, buddy.

It's not going to be alright. We're not talking about you, Dad. You did this to yourself. You have no one to blame but yourself. Who could be responsible? How could this have happened? You! You didn't boil the water! I didn't do anything right. Your dad really doesn't like responsibility of any kind, does he? No, he doesn't, which is why he's in this mess in the first place. And I didn't even want to take him out of the damn clearing.

Well, I'm sorry that I suggested it. No. I was just trying to help your family. You were trying to do the right thing. You all mixed up in family drama. No, I got you all mixed up in family drama. This isn't your fault, Brumley. It's mine. I should have known better. Yeah, but we could have just let your dad, you know, get killed by the various powers that be that are one and dead. And what kind of son would that make me?

Not a very good one. No, you're right. You're right. No, he did the right thing and I don't want him to die. He's your dad. I tried to not let him eat the mac and cheese. He just doesn't listen. He's so stubborn. You know, it's just like he thinks he knows everything.

So, I mean, with all that being said, what's the point of even taking him to a new clearing? He's not going to listen to you about now gambling. I understand that, but I had to try. Wait. Do you think maybe he should have just left him to his own devices and just let the Italian family have a crack at him? Otherwise, I wouldn't have done all this if I thought that. Here's the thing. He doesn't listen to you, but maybe...

He also means shit and other business.

What? Oh, I'm cramping, I'm cramping! Oh, thank God we're not swimming! Oh, boy! Once we get to Pottsville. That's right. That's right.

- Legally distinct, oh boy! - And then maybe you can just do what you can to convince him to stay. - Well, and things are kind of boring there, so hopefully there's not much trouble for him to get into. Now if he leaves after we've done all this, what can we do? - Yeah. - So here's the thing, we're in the middle of the woods, and somehow he ate dysentery macaroni and cheese and is now shitting himself. - Right from the river. - This is the most boring of a place anyone could ever go.

I don't know, I think the woods are pretty exciting. So I think... This isn't every water. Is that what you call it? I think throwing your dad into any kind of town is just asking for trouble. Like I said, had to do something. You made the right decision. As our faithful leader... Oh, I wouldn't call me that. You've never led us astray, not even once.

Not even when we decided to put Nestor in charge of safety and security of our musical. I'd also remind everyone. No one could have seen that coming. Everyone was in jail. Not even Quasimodo. He wouldn't have had the foresight to see that happening. Not even when we decided to throw our lot in with Alexander Hamilton, no offense, and all the perverts. That was just poor judgment. There's no excuse there.

Even when we decided to get mixed up with the assassination of the Viceroy in Click Clock Crossing.

We didn't make a single mistake because we had you as our leader, Booker. Well, these things happen. What can you do, you know? You win some, you lose some. You just have a knack for things, is all I'm going to say. You've done a great job. Well, I think that our choices are a problem for tomorrow. And we should all just lay down and get a good night's rest, falling asleep to the dulcet sounds of Beauregard T. Raccoon shitting his brains out.

Oh, Sherry. Oh, Sherry, baby. Oh, God. I'm going to just try to keep my eyes out for things for a bit. Good night, Booker. Good night, Grumly. Good night, Betsy. Good night. Good night, Jean-Claude. Good night. Good night, Peggy. Good night, Grumly. Good night.

There is no

- No saving him now, it's over. It's all over. - Oh, I've got a whole bunch of river water. - You all fall asleep. No watch, correct? - I'm gonna try to stay up for an alarm. - We have an alarm. - But not all night. - Okay. - We have alarms, so. - You wait.

Beauregard comes back, stumbles back eventually. It's like another hour. Yeah. And he comes back and he looks pale. He looks pale. He looks pale as a raccoon can look. As he looks, he doesn't say anything. He's trying to look proud. His pants are draggish. He's deflated. He's deflated.

And he just kind of grunts at you, and then he has the remnants of his sack, and everything in the room just pulls off. And butthole. All depleted. Once he's back in camp, I would then go to sleep. Yeah. If I didn't see it. Tonight's episode should just be called Remnants of a Sack. Yeah.

As Grumly, I need you to make a perception check. Oh boy. That is advantage. Oh! Wow. Here, let me earn one. Yeah, yeah, do it. Perception? Yeah. That's a 12. Not bad. I think I'm proficient as well. Yeah. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. You wake up in the middle of the night. As you see the moonlight.

shining down over the camp. You see that everyone is accounted for. And then off into the woods, you hear rustling. And you realize you feel yourself kind of like shake a little bit. And you hear some rustling a good hundred feet, maybe short, closer. This happens. This is the sounds of the woods. That's what Booker always says. And you kind of feel a little bit of rumble too.

Rumble in what way? Like, you're, like, the kind of ground beneath you shakes a little bit. Oh, fuck. Surely I must be dreaming right now. Mr. T-Raccoon is asleep and not shitting himself. I'll pinch myself and surely wake up. You're rumbling, and then you hear a loud snap. Oh, my God. Booker, get up. Booker, Booker, get up. Get up, get up, get up. I don't see that. What? What? What? What is it?

Do I hear anything? I think it's the Ocelot. Make a perception check. Quiet, quiet, currently. Perception? Yeah.

I got a seven. Seven. You see nothing in the woods. I don't see anything. The ground shakes beneath you, and you hear another loud snap, and it sounds closer than before. Oh my god. I don't see anything. I don't see anything. Well, I can't see anything at all. It's too dark. There's nothing out there. Use darkvision. Use darkvision. Tell him. Tell him. There's nothing there. I already told them. I shouted that loud the first day. I said, I have darkvision. I don't see anything. Oh.

Oh, so maybe it's just the sounds of the woods and the rumbling of the woods and the branch snapping. What rumbling? I didn't feel any rumbling. You feel the rumbling again. On the ground. And make another perception check at advantage as you use your darkvision to peer through the woods. Much better. 20 total. Dirty 20. You hear a snap and you are staring. Your eyes are now adjusted after waking up. It's crumbling. You can see nothing.

But Booker, you see a head and you see something move through the woods. And it's very, very subtle movement. And you look and all you can see... You realize now why you hadn't seen anything. You had been watching and looking at the creature that's lurking not very far from your camp. But you had thought it was an enormous tree.

as you see that this tree doesn't have bark, but fur and pallid skin as the fur moves as if something is crawling beneath it. And you realize now as your eyes that what you are seeing far off, which might have been a lurking person, is simply a knee. As you look up and up and up and up and you see

the moonlight catch on a glinting, and you see that there's an enormous creature hiding behind a tree, but the tree is maybe a quarter of the width of the bulk of this enormous hulking monster. You see that it's looking at you almost with shining yellow eyes.

a almost no-nose to speak of, a horrid face of... you don't know what a simian is. But it didn't look too dissimilar from the hula girl that your father had. As you see an enormously long, shaggy arm, and you see as its eyes are very clearly looking at you past this incredibly tall tree, it's over 20 feet tall.

as it is looking at you with a broad grin of horrific sharp teeth as it is just standing there. What is it you say? I look at you probably and I say, "There's nothing out there, right?" He's like, "Don't panic. What I want you to do is calmly get Bitsy and Peggy. I'm gonna get Jean-Claude and my dad."

and get ready to run. Hold on, my horse is starting to go. What do you mean run? If I say run, just run, okay? All right? What are we going to run from? Go get them. This is when I started to scoot. Keep my eyes on this creature. Why don't we run towards Jean-Claude? And when I get up...

There's a monster! It's the Ocelot Crown! What?

As the cicadas start screaming, as you all hear rustling from all sides of the camp, as you are all awoke, all of you who are sleeping immediately wake up from the shrieking cicadas, as Beauregard is screaming as the cicadas scream, as this cacophony suddenly erupts all around you. What do you all do as you're all awoken and you all hear this? Oh my god, Gideon! Oh my god!

Yeah, I would be screaming and saying like, we need to run, we need to run, we need to run. I'll grab my pack. Oh, God. I would try to see, is it standing in the way that we need to go? If I know which way west is, like having a rough idea of where we're traveling. Make a very quick survival check to see if you can even get a sense of your bearings.

14. 14. You see that it is in the direction towards the deepest part of the wood that you are attempting to go. I would immediately be like, north, pointing north, to be like, we need to run north. And being like, go that way, go that way, go that way. I just disappear into the woods. You all start screaming as you're all waking up. Okay, good, bye! And

As you all hear the rustling, as suddenly around through the moonlight you see what looks like moving through the underbrush, these size of hounds in our world, these huge centipedes all with grasping, pallid, bony hands. As you hear the snapping of a branch, as suddenly you turn around, as you see, you hear the...

as a massive boulder is flying from the direction of the beast towards your camp as the ocelot and its horrific centipede minions attack. And that is where we'll end the session. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. We're being assaulted by monkeys.

monkey trouble! Oh my god! There's nothing we can do against the CR75 monster. We have to start next session like Attack on Titan. Yeah, with the Attack on Titan music plays. Happy October, everybody! That was very good.

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