Uprooted | S2E4 | River's Eleven
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Welcome to Legends of Adventress! I'm Pitsy, and you're listening to Uprooted! Why's your house so soggy? Hey, hey, hey! I've never seen it this soggy before. That's a likely story. Or ever before. Why is it so soggy? Just to see if I recognize anybody, and, you know. Uh, do you think your father would... You know... Dad?

There's no way Booker, is that you little Booker? The Riverfolk company is trying to say that my dad owes them 15,000 clams in three days. I say 15,000? How can this be? How can this happen?

Oh, I just, as soon as I get my hand on a few clams, it just slips right through my little fingers like cotton candy. You know, I got a few leads. Ned and I were gonna do a little bit of heist on the sly. I guess that may not work out. Ned, what is he gonna do? 50,000 clams in three days? That's right. The only way you could get that kind of money is with a heist.

Heist oh My god, it's your brilliant one lump sum from the casino riverboat. That's right You just tell people that you're a spelling bee they never question Oh say I say John Luke what in the hell are you doing here in the foxhole? Son I didn't want to have to

get you all mixed up in this. So I'm not gonna be back tonight. I'm, uh... I got a plan. Don't worry. Your old man is smarter than he looks. I'm finally gonna go to the Hungry Catfish and bet it all and win big. You are in the cramped apartment. It's a one-bedroom.

And he definitely tried to clean it up a bit, but he forgot to get the mac and cheese in the pot on the stove. And that's where you're there. You've just finished reading the letter, Booker. No!

I can't believe this. He wouldn't possibly. If he's really in debt like this, there's no way he would try to dig himself out by gambling more, right? Did you read the letter out loud? Yes, of course I did. I did it in my little raccoon voice. You all heard it. It was dramatic and wonderful. And it moved you to tears. Is he going to be okay?

I don't know. Well, what if he wins big? You don't win big at the casinos, but see, the house always wins. The casino, sometimes you win big and then you get all the money. I mean, occasionally, but that's not the norm. You don't go gamble to get out of financial trouble. Well, what if? Oh, jeez. What if we hushed the casino like I said earlier? This is a sign that...

We could maybe stop your dad from gambling or use him as part of our elaborate plan. I don't know. My feet made us all of this money. We could gamble too and then the odds are even higher. I've never been gambling. Well, I'll say I don't think that makes the odds higher. Why not? Well, because one person putting their money in is less likely to win than one, two, seven of us.

Is that how odds work? No, John Plot's right. He doesn't approve the odds. We might be seven times more likely to lose. But then we're also seven times more likely to win, right?

Oh, no!

call them up not even one bit for one thing. You think and you realize that John Luke can solve that math problem instantly. Math! So here's the thing. If that number's right, my dad's in too far debt that him gambling anymore is going to make any difference.

I understand where he's coming from. If he hits it big once, he solves all his problems. I get it. So I'm not too worried about that, but we need a solution. None of us are going to come up with this kind of money before, you know, how many, how was it, three days? How many days we got? Three days. Three days? I don't know. A heist is about the only thing we can do, but there's no way we heist and get away with it. They're going to know it was us. I agree.

If we're gonna heist a casino, we'd need a Tom Petty, two gunpowders, a Robert Pattinson, a Schwarzenegger, and the biggest Paul Atreides I've ever seen! What? What? I didn't understand any of that. What? What's the point, Dave? Thank you, that's the question I wanted to know. And why's it gotta be so big? Have you guys ever seen Ocean's Eleven? Shit. Is he in that?

Yeah, if we were gonna pull off a job, we would need a number of people with roles that are sometimes given names like what I just said. So one of us has to be a Paul Atreides. The biggest one I ever seen, yeah. Whoa, we're a number of people.

This could work! I could be a Paul Atreides. Wait, what do you- what- who was the one and the two and the three? We needed a Tom Petty, two gunpowders, a Robert Pattinson, a Schwarzenegger, and the biggest Paul Atreides I've ever seen! Well, if Peggy's the biggest Paul Atreides you've ever seen- There's one important question. Have you ever seen a Paul Atreides before? Uh-huh. Roughly how big was he? Taller or smaller than me? He was about your size. Fuck, I can't be the Paul Atreides!

It's really about the-- You could be the Paul Atreides. What did you do? Well, I think as I've been grown and wanted it first, I think it's fine now. Did you want to be the Paul Atreides? Oh no, I wasn't trying to say that I wanted it. I was saying it was already taken, so that leaves all the other options. But I can't take it, because I'm not the biggest Paul Atreides that Vincent's ever seen. But two of us can be dynamites, is that what you said? Gunpowder. Oh, gunpowders. Yeah. That sounds kind of cool. No, you don't want to be a gunpowder. Why not? Because it's like a fall guy. You just make a big explosion.

Okay, I call that one. I call that one. Peggy would be very well suited for big explosions. I've got magic. Do you think you could be two gunners? Oh, hell yeah. Okay, well, we got a gunpowder. Peggy's at least four gunpowders. Yeah, I'm at least. That's a, you know. I do remember that thing that happened in that woods that one time when you killed all those people with your magic. Haunting. Yeah. I still dream about the way they were screaming.

Well, oh, this means that Booker can be Tom Petty because he's such a heartbreaker. Oh, you don't have to say that. Oh, you big galump. Oh, his charisma's very hot. That's very kind of you to say. What's a Tom Petty? I don't know. Me neither, but it sounds cool. Can you tell us what a Tom Petty is? Because now that we know what the dynamites are. Maybe tell us what they all do. Here, read this. Oh!

It's all right. In this handy pamphlet. That was the improv, no reverse card. Instruction manual for Heistling. Requirements. Let's talk about the basics of Heist first, and then we can get into the role. We're just going to steal their money.

I mean, that's generally what heist means. Should we just burn the entire thing to the ground? No! Oh, why? It's gonna kill who knows how many people, including Mr. T-Rakku. If we're gonna do this, it has to be as unnoticed as possible. If we show up to the Riverfolk and we're like, hey, we just came in all this money, and they're gonna be like, where'd you get it from? And then wherever we took it from is like, holy crap, we're missing that exact amount. Oh, I have a great idea! It's over.

We could just lie. About what? Where the money came from. No, but they'll put two and two together. It's too obvious. What if instead of robbing the money, what if we finagled it so your dad does in fact win and strike it big? Oh my God, I have a brilliant idea. Sean Claude? Peggy, I want to hear your plan first. I'm telling you right now.

It's great of an idea as that was. And it was great. It's dangerous, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is going to be dangerous. What if we just make our own money?

You want to counterfeit three million clams? How small is the amount? Counterfeit three million clams? We don't even know the exchange rate. Is it 150,000? 150,000 clams? Yeah, something like that. Somebody check their wiki. Is it on the wiki yet? If we can even draw one fake clam an hour, it's going to take us way more time than we have to counterfeit 150,000 clams. How many kids do you think live in this town?

Well, after the whole incident with the rotating toboggan thing, I don't think we want to go with the child labor plan anymore. God, but they're so good at drawing. It's their little hands. I know, they're nimble. Yeah. 50,000, 50,000. 50,000, okay. No, I think John Law's onto this. I think we can rig the casino in our favor to just make my dad win. How? How's that going to work?

Why are you looking at me like that? I haven't got that far yet. Oh, okay. Well, I don't know too much about gambling, but maybe we get jobs as dealers and we run the games. I don't want to get a job. You just had a job dancing on stage. I didn't get a job. That was a...

Well, you got paid. And you dance. Wait, you don't get paid for your hobbies? No, not normally. You shouldn't work on that. Well, yeah, normally I-- well, I got-- no, I get paid for my job. I don't need to get paid for my hobbies. You just got fired.

Well, officially I got disbarred. It just means that I'm not fired. It just means I can't legally do it anymore. Oh, so you were unemployed before, too? Well, no, it's more like you gotta find work, you know, you gotta work as it comes. So I wasn't as it were unemployed. I was just in between jobs. It's $15,000, not $50,000.

Contract now. 15,000 clams. All right. I looked it up, and I can't see the conversion rate for clams, but I looked up Avengers Clams, and on Reddit someone says, could someone explain the clam joke to me in Witchlight? And the response is, okay, I just watched it. DM says the mermaid's favorite food is clams, which is a euphemism for...

Well, don't stop now, we'll finally figure it out. That didn't work out with the mime. Okay, well here, that fake figure on the page is manageable. That's like one spin on a roulette table. Or like one giant windfall of some other game that's random chance where you can bet a lot of money in one go. That's all we gotta do. You sound like that guy who wrote that letter.

What letter? The letter with the note. Oh, from my father? Yeah. The one who's going to gamble? That's right. But we're going to rig it so that it goes in our favor and he wins. Oh. That's it.

Come on, come on, Betsy, keep up. You can do it. You sound like a Robert Pattinson. We're going to need you. I thought I was Tom Petty. No, you said you were Tom Petty. So then what are you saying I am? Well, then who's Robert Pattinson? You can be Robert Pattinson. I thought he was the biggest Paul Atreides we've ever seen. I thought Grumly was the biggest Paul Atreides. Schwarzenegger. What?

Do we have enough people for this? Us? We have a serious leadership problem in this group. Division of Labor, we need something. Why didn't your dad have this weird figure of a slug guy? Oh my God, don't ask. Do not ask. Pretend you never saw that.

That's-- no. We're all gonna forget we saw that. Oh god, it came upon and it's kinda sticky. Oh, hey, it does seem a little greasy. So is that it? Is this the plan? The best plan we got? Is we gotta rig the games? For your dad? Yeah. Well, what if we get caught? Then we go to prison forever, we're just executed. The Riverfolk Company, they'll kill my dad, they'll kill us. The casino owner will kill us, it'll be bad.

There will be no coming back. There's no fixing it. If that happens, then we can just remake the universe. We'll be all set. Yeah. Oh, well, that's not too bad, then. Low stakes. How do we get jobs? It is a thing. It takes a long time to remake the universe, so we should kind of avoid that at all costs. Oh, okay. Oh. How long does it take? At least four or five days. Oh, that's too long. Much too long.

Well... We definitely don't have a better plan at this point. What if we go to a bank and we get them to give us the money? And then we pull off the heist, we'll replace it with the money that the bank gave us, and then we'll have the money. They won't know it's gone. It'll look the same. Well, but then we would still have to do the heist anyway, right? Well, yeah, but... All you've done is double the number of heists. LAUGHTER

What? What do you mean, what? No, the bagels is given to us. It's called a loan. I don't think getting a loan out to pay my gambling debt is a great plan. That's just double the debt. All you've done is double the amount of debts. I don't know. I need to see the math on that. Oh.

Oh, sick, your dad has Cinemax. Oh! She sucked my butt. Warning, warning. All right. Okay, so, sorry, go ahead, Grump. Oh, no, you go ahead. I don't know what I was going to say. Well, if we're going to do a heist, we've got to plan it. So, I guess first we've got to have

Excuse me?

No, continue. Please, keep going. This is going to be a good one. Is that it was really easy to get the job. Okay. What if performers, right? They need performers at that riverboat you would expect. And you play that...

Oh, but it's in the river. It was destroyed. I sacrificed it to night here. You don't have to play that. But you're a musician and Grumly makes all of those sounds. He's essentially a beatboxer in the noises he makes beneath his jowls. That's a good point. I'm clearly a dancer with the thing you saw I did with my feet. Okay. And then we've got these two. And so between the five of us, we should be able to create some kind of performance troupe.

We could offer to perform. And then we're in. And then we're in.

And then what? Oh, I don't know. Look, I didn't say it was solving the whole heist. No, no, no. Peggy's onto something. It gets us access to the back of the house. So after our set, when we're in the green room, we've got access to everything. We just slink off into the find, figure out where they're keeping all the clams, and just take 15K or so for us and my father, and then we're out of there. You know what we could do? If we're the performers, right, we just say that they're our roadies,

And then while we're performing, they're just off heisting. Heisting? Do they let roadies do heists? Is that a thing that happens normally? But no one's going to tell them that the roadies are doing heists. Oh. So we've got to find a way because we can't take Bitsy on the stage. Yeah, she's a loose cannon.

I don't know that we can take Bitsy on to the highest portion. We run into one person with a strong wristband. You have not seen Bitsy in action, all right? If there is anyone that can snap someone's neck successfully, Booker, you should watch. It is Bitsy. Bitsy crumbles like a dry cookie. In that little. That was very funny.

And any sort of social interaction, I've only known her for 20 minutes. I'm with Peggy. This plan will work. And if we're really worried about it, I'll play an instrument and you dance and we'll send Grumly with him.

What if instead of us all going as a troop-- Any time you're not around Grumly, he starts shaking and barking at everything, Ember? He does have really bad separation anxiety. What did you say? It's all right, don't worry about it. It's all right, big guy. I'll read lips to help my spatial awareness. No worries. And so I'm afraid that if we separate him from you, he'll make noise and draw attention to the heist. But it's really strong.

You know, there's a boon there. Oh, yeah, he's very, very strong. I don't make noise. I don't know what you're talking about. All right, this plan is really strong, regardless of how we split up the teams. Because here's the thing. They're going to have to give us a dinner break so we get to leave the stage. That's right. And that's when the heist happens.

so they can prepare, but we're fake performing, real performing. And then we go on our dinner break, the heist sets in motion, and then we go back to performing, and they'll have no way to blame us because we were performing the whole time. I say the main problem is that we're right back to the issue of paying them back with the money we just stole. If we pay them back with the heisted money, they'll know that we dug it. So when I say heist, what I mean is rigging whatever game Daddy Book is at. Well...

Here's the thing. One, we know that the casino is not necessarily affiliated with the Riverfolk Company. And if we're taking a small enough amount, they might not notice initially. I have another idea. Okay. That is very similar but tangentially related to this. We're hoping no ideas. No bad ideas here. Oh, magicians. We still get jobs at the casino. We all go and maybe there's a job fair coming up. Okay, when I said there were no bad ideas, I meant there were one bad idea. And we can go to the job fair.

And then we could have Peggy. You could be one of the cocktail waitresses. And I could work security. I do love cocktails. Booker could maybe be a dealer or like an Elton John cover act. You know, something like that. Wow. But see, maybe you could be...

I give good massages like those chairs at Brookstone. Oh, you could be a massage chair. And then... Sit on me. Sit on me and feel me. You could identity theft your brother and pretend that you're Jean-Luc and that you defected from the orders and then you can be the bookkeeper. Why haven't you done that? That's good. You're very tall. Hold on. That's actually the best. Hey, hey, hey.

Why don't we just get you to impersonate your brother and steal the money and put it on him? Identity theft, John Luke. That's the best part of the plan I've heard yet. And scrap the whole getting a job and performing. Yeah, fuck all that. We could be your bodyguards.

I don't know too many accountants that have bodyguards. Wait, but what about Stashio and Pins? He'd have to be, I don't know. No, no, he's defecting from the Otters. He's defecting, so you hired us as your muscle to protect you because you know that the Otters are going to come for you.

but you've decided to align with the riverboat guy. Oh, and it was basically a show of strength to steal all of your brother's friends away from him, because that was all he had left.

I'm not saying that's all you have left right now, but that's something that Jean-Luc would possibly do. Well, that's absolutely something that Jean-Luc would do. This is a chance for you to get massive amounts of revenge on your horrific brother. I'll do it. I don't even care that your dad's in jeopardy. I would have done this with fun. That's what I'm saying. That's why we need you. Yeah, well, let's steal Jean-Luc's identity. I think that we got it. That means, Grimly, you're the Paulette, ladies, and you're the Tom Petty, and...

And you're the gunpowder, you're the Robert Pattinson, which means I'm the Schwarzenegger. Means I get to go crazy and kill a bunch of people right in the middle of the heist. Well, that's exactly what it says in this Nifty Pamphlet he showed me. Well, that means that we all need different roles to do. Is that going to work if we're all just bodyguards? What did you want to do? I don't know. How are we going to have the elaborate heist monologue if we all do the same thing? Ha ha!

What makes Poli-Tradeys unique from the Dynamite? You came up with this amazing plan! That's right, that's the Poli-Tradeys! What the fuss? You're the brains behind the operation and I'm the bombs. Yeah, I guess. There's just no monologue, that's fine. You can grab a monologue. About what? Whatever you want? Why don't you befriend the casino owner and then you can like talk to him in the middle of the heist and reveal our horrible plans?

Well, no, I shouldn't do the monologue. It needs to be like a George Clooney-esque kind of person. I feel like Booker should do the monologue. You want to do the George Clooney-esque monologue? I guess. That's what I'm being voluntold to do. You're very George Clooney. All right, all right, all right. Enough flattering, please. I'll do it. I'll cross off Tim Petty and I'll put in a George Clooney.

You have to sell tequila later though. Okay, sure, whatever. You tell me what to do. What do I have to do? You're, you're, you're Paul Atreides. So, drugs? Yeah. Oh, no. Okay. Well, we'll figure that out. This could work. We steal 15,000 clams and we blame it on Jean-Luc. This could work.

Your dad's free. I say, I say. Amen. Your dad's free of his crippling clam death. And hopefully Jean-Luc's up for it. But then we all gotta get out of here. We gotta get the hell out of Dodge. Skip town. My dad included. We can't stay here. Because they'll catch on eventually. And we don't want to be anywhere near here if they figure it out. Deal? But we still gotta find a way to... To...

Cover up the fact that your dad has the 15,000 clams. We'll deliver it on his behalf. It's fine. Are there two casinos? You could say you wanted one casino and then the other.

I don't think this clearing is big enough for two giant riverbanks. That would be a terrible business decision on one of the business boats. I've seen Starbucks across the street from one of those. That's fucking crazy. Oh yeah, they've got these pumpkin spice lattes right now because it's now Halloween season. I walk over to a shelf and I pull a book off the shelf. It's clearly a dictionary and I'll flip it. A crime in which valuable things are taken illegally and often violently from a place or person.

What?

You do not know what a heist was before? You have to look that up to understand what we've been talking about for the last-- I just want to make sure we're all on same page! I say, I say, okay. Jean-Claude, you're gonna pick up on it eventually, but Bitsy's marching to the beat of her own drum, is what I'll say. Oh, there's been a thing or two that's conveyed that in the short time we've been accompanied.

I can't believe your dad has a dictionary. Yeah, it's a little weird. It was a big thing back in the day. People were just ordering dictionaries and encyclopedias and getting them mailed to your house. And it's like, what am I going to do with all these books? They're all heavy. Where am I going to put them? People will think I'm smart, I guess. No wonder he doesn't have them. A through E is all torn out. I think that he's been using these for rolling people. Oh, that makes a lot more sense. Oh, no. Guys, I just had the realization that...

I think my dad might be a bum. No, he's not a bum. He's got so much going for him. I don't think that's true, Bromley. I think I've been blinded this entire time. Oh, booger, he's got E through Z. I wouldn't count your father out right away. You know desperation changes people.

Yeah, well, now that I'm really thinking about it, I mean really thinking about it, he's been desperate for a long time. Is that why all of his curtains are crispy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mom's been gone a long time. Things kind of went downhill when she skipped town. And now it's starting to make a lot more sense why she might have skipped down. My dad's a bum. Maybe. You don't know. We gotta fix this. We gotta at least try. I know it's late. And I know he's gonna be out gambling all night.

I mean, do we try now? Do we not even worry about affecting the gambling games and we just try to blame it on your brother? We just try to pin the whole thing on him and we just roll in there and we try to steal it? I'm not thinking so great here, guys. I'll say maybe there's an argument for getting in the way of your dad and the hot table. He doesn't dig himself any deeper into the clams casino, if you were. That was very funny.

Oh, thanks, everybody. A realistic mix, Mal. Oh, thanks, everybody. Thanks, everyone. Okay, well, if we're going to go with this plan, we do have to figure out what we're going to do, though, because we can't just walk into this casino and just go, okay, well, now you go steal the money and figure out how to blame it and then also get away.

Well, I'll go in and say I've seen the books and they're giving way too much money to the local government. The taxes have been done all incorrect. That's what John Luke would say. That's the mathematical basis. Could you just be the tax man and just go and say, hey, you haven't been paying your taxes and you owe 15,000 clams to the tax man? Oh, just kind of like cooking the books.

Well, everyone knows who Jean-Luc is is the problem. So, you walk in there and they're gonna say, "Oh, Jean-Luc, you're so good at math. Why don't you come on in and do math?" I hate that guy! They'll never believe that I'm the tax man. They'll think I'm Jean-Luc. Well, you just gotta lie. That's what you do best.

Just lie that you know math. I say, Gromit, you know how to flatter. Thank you. No, I say thank you, good sir. So, I mean, maybe we don't have to collect the taxes. Maybe we go and say, you're behind on your taxes. Unless...

And we just ask for a very measly bribe of 15,000 clams. Or we'll have to shut this establishment down for the foreseeable future. Oh, that's right. And you will lose the value of one million clams a day. And what they'll do is they'll fork over the money so that they don't have to shut down operations, and then they'll form a horrific vendetta against your brother. Well, I do like that, but I care less about the money. The vendetta is really what's important to me.

This whole plan hinges on you. You can do this! My hideous, hideous hatred of that no-good, feather-picking, ugly son of a bitch is gonna get us-- is gonna see us through this. We're gonna get your dad out of this, 'cause I can do anything if it involves

smearing the name Jean-Luc Chanticleer. All right, that's what I like to hear. Why'd you call him Mugly? You guys looking back in the same-- No, we don't, how dare you? You don't know a thing you're talking about. You had to look up eyes, okay? Why don't you look up common sense? But you can't, 'cause it's ripped out of the dictionary. 'Cause look, it's dead using his roll-up paper. Bitchin' myself, I can't believe you would say such a thing.

that his business is anything like mine. - Hold on. G for Game State. Good job maintaining Game State. - That's very funny. - All right, are we good with this? Are we in agreement? It's late, I'm tired. We gotta think about this. We gotta figure it out.

I've been going maybe now if he's currently gambling and the casinos never close. So every hour that goes by, he's potentially losing more and more money. Yeah, and so then we have to factor in if he's losing money, however many we need to...

- I don't have any moneys we need to get. We have to add on whatever he's losing. - All right, all right, we'll go now. We'll go now. Sandy, are we all ready? - I'm really tired. - I also am a little tired, but you know, we could get some energy drinks on the way. We'd be all set. - That sounds fine. - Do they have any ghost? 'Cause I'd like a bit of anxiety tonight. - A ghost soda? Yeah, a ghost soda could really go well right now. I agree with you. I can just use a little bit of the nervous jitters to get me going. - Why would you wanna find ghosts?

Are we really gonna look for ghosts? Because I have a phobia now. Ooh. Oh, it's just cinnamon. Ooh. Let's do it. Let's go. Okay. Okay. And your dad's not a bum. He seemed very pleasant. Grumly, you don't have to... You don't have to try to blind me to the truth any longer. Didn't he just get married?

And he's training boxing, and he's making friends. Oh, my dear sweet Brumley. And he's gonna win the season. It's all right. It's okay. You know, I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, but it's not necessary. Okay. This is what they call a moment of growth. Development. It's what makes you, builds character, you know? We're gonna figure this out. He'll be able to get out of this with a little bit of luck.

A little bit of luck. A coming of age tale. Perhaps. Perhaps. Well, let's go. All right, I'll lock up. Everybody out. Everybody out. I'll lock up. That's fair play.

Everybody out. Thank you for picking up where I was laying down, Derek. Everybody out, everybody out. And then as we file out, I'll walk to the door and I'll look over my shoulder back at the sad one bedroom apartment and really take it in for what it really is for the first time.

Just kind of nod my head, hang my head a little low and shake my head. Curtain of beads to separate the kitchen from the dining area. And I'll close the door and I'll walk up as we go to find this riverboat that Beauregard is allegedly at. You know where the Hungry Catfish is. It's been in operation since you were a kid.

And you are easily-- Your dad used to take you there for your birthday. Yeah! Those were good times. I didn't know how good I had it. You were-- and so you're easily able to go towards the edge of the clearing where the water of the swamp is the deepest. And you see it from a very far way away. You walk through the various districts of the clearing.

And you see the great treetop buildings and walkways and houses where many of the birds that live in this clearing are starting to settle down for sleep. It is getting late, and you see the ever-present watch of the eerie guards and the eerie soldiers, but they seem to just be keeping watch, keeping order. Occasionally, some are patrolling on foot, but most of them just keep to the trees and on wing.

and eventually you see the great lights of the Hungry Catfish, a huge riverboat on the edge of the clearing, as the, despite the town of Muckbeg Creek starting to wind down a little bit, this district that you're in has a variety of taverns and saloons and smaller gambling establishments.

and you see the occasional small gentleman's club and various just establishments of hedonism and vice. And however, the biggest of them all is the Hungry Catfish. And you see that there's a very large gangplank going all the way down to the road where the road just continues up to the wooden plank into the large glowing doorway into the casino. All right, I think at the very least,

I'm willing to take any help that anybody's willing to go with me.

Other than that, you gotta figure out how to trick these guys out of their money. And you can take whoever you want with you. I think we gotta divide and conquer this thing. Oh! Oh! Well, since we're all security, I rummaged around your dad's closet and I found these five black turtlenecks. I figured that maybe we could, like, look a little official and professional, you know, before we walk in.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you, and I appreciate the proactivity to getting us to our goals. Well done. I'm gonna put mine on. Your dead look pretty big. You're like way too barrel-chested for it to fit right. The neck is getting stretched.

Wow, that is something to behold. Oh yeah. I feel like I just need a wired earpiece and I fit right in. All right, I'm gonna, I'll put one of those on too. Okay, all right. We're gonna put these on? Oh no, I got four of them on me, 'cause obviously you're gonna wear your suit here. Yeah right, it's hard not to wear it, terrible. You're from the government. They'll think I'm here to do something else, I'm tired. Oh, what's that?

Everyone has a heart attack. I can't see out the neck hole, this is too big. This kind of looked like a dress on you a little bit. No, no, hold on. I was thinking I would just use magic. What? If I'm, you know, the dynamite, I might be the person to ignite this entire place should something go awry. It's best if I... You can do that? Yeah, of course, I'm made of magic.

Oh, well, that's way better than a turtleneck. That's fine. I got this for you, but I'll keep it as a backup, I guess. I think if you're going to do that, you definitely go with a boy here, Jean-Claude, and then things really go crazy. You'll be there. They won't know you're there. Maybe you can just take the clams if you have to. All right, perfect. You can just steal the money if you need to.

Peggy, what are you doing? Peggy, please, what are you doing? Just let her cook. We're not doing this again. I think she's about to go invisible.

Peggy slowly peels off her hat and throws it on Jean-Luc. Takes off her hat, throws it on Jean-Luc. Jean-Claude! Not tonight, it's not. No, it hasn't started yet. I'm going to pretend to be Jean-Luc for a second longer than I have to. And Peggy gets completely naked and slowly moves into the greenery around the...

the hungry catfish and essentially cast invisibility. Alright, now I know you probably never witnessed this before. She's gonna be nearby. You're not gonna see her, but just know she's got your back, alright? Well, okay, if it starts to go sideways, just grab the money and run. If you're still around, man. Alright. Don't worry, I got it. Who you going with? You going with, uh,

No, no. Team John? I really don't want to. No, I think you should take Betsy. No, Betsy can be your assistant, and I'll be your security guard. Booker's going to be the degenerate gambler that talks to Mr. T. Raccoon, and Peggy's running Overwatch.

That's pretty cool. I think we're in agreement. I think that's the plan. I think you guys go with John. And if you guys need to get messages back and forth between each other, I can do that because no one will see me. That's right. Oh, Peggy, can you throw us like a plank of driftwood? Bitsy needs some kind of clipboard. Yeah, sure. And Peggy will attempt to find whatever this is.

But you'll hear, though she's invisible, she's not quiet as she stumbles and steps on branches and yells, oh god, that bush just poked me in the ass. Okay.

I get an actual 20 to find the thing. No! You find a piece of perfectly flat driftwood that is clipboard shaped and colored. You're standing there, everything's quiet, and all of a sudden you just feel Peggy's head right next to your shoulder. But the driftwood for you did seem... Feel that wood poking you in the back? Oh, yeah. That's mine. You can have it if you want. Is that what they call her, Peggy?

I got it. Thank you. Catch it on quick. Catch it on quick, John. Okay, now, just act like you're more important than the person that you're assisting and that you know everything at all and that you're smarter than everyone else in the room, even though you only got like three or four credits at community college. Okay, can you do that?

What? Perfect! Alright everyone, good luck. We can do this. If things go wrong, just get out. Don't stay too long. Don't do anything overly risky. Because if we end up back in jail, we're gonna be back in jail with our attorney and he's not gonna be able to get us out this time. This is a very serious risk we're taking in order to help your dad. If he wanted the casino, this would all be good for nothing.

What? What? No, say that last part again. We've taken a great terrible risk. Uh-huh, okay, and then after that? If you're dead... Yep, one more. ...one being in the casino... Then we just leave. But we'll already be in there. We just walk right out. But how are we going to know? We have Peggy. She's going to be sending us messages back and forth. You can do that? Yes, she said she could. You can't see me.

Thanks. No one's going to believe I'm invisible if you look like you can see me. Oh, because Peggy's that shade of Disney World green that you're on. It just sinks back into the subconscious. You don't even recognize it. It's not even there. All right, we all ready? All right, hands up. Come on. Come on. Team effort. On the count of three. Groggy Bottom Boys. Two. But I'm not a boy.

I'm not a boy. Three. Groggy, not a boy, is in one go. Good job. Two girls. I forgot that this is also a girl. All right, we can do this.

Split up, go in, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! Roger, roger, break it, break it, try again. You all run into the Hungry Catfish, and you see a huge casino, multiple levels, grand staircase going up to a balcony where there are even more table games. You see that at the center of this, it seems to be deeply inset into the floor, is a racetrack of some kind. All around are various bars, various...

numerous table games. There are hundreds of people in this. Some are cheering, some are crying. Many are very drunk and stumbling. Everyone's having a great time. You see that in the corner there is an owl

at the piano a white feathered owl with large sunglasses and he's playing on the piano and he says, ♪ You can never know what it's like ♪ As you see a sign that says, "Tonight only, Alton John." - Incredible. - Incredible. - And you see that the-- - Rock it out. - You see a big, it is Grand Casino. What would you like to do as you enter?

I'm gonna look for my dad, but that's the simple task, so I'm gonna turn it over to the rest of the team who has the much more difficult, complex task. Can I borrow a d20, please? Thanks, sir. I will look for... I'll look for, like, the... I'll use these, okay. The, like, gate you'd go to to check in, to try and find a, like, a night manager.

Oh, yeah, you see a couple of pit bosses around the room and actually make them second. I got a 13. But again, worry about them first. I got to do something funny over here. 18.

You look around, you see a couple of pit bosses, and you see that there is... What do you call that, like, where you get the chips? That counter? That's what I was thinking. Yeah, you see very clearly and prominently, there is the exchange for chips, and you see that they take both gold and clams. As you see that there are a number of tellers, there are a couple of people...

cursing and swearing after losing big at a game and are going up to buy more chips. They take the last of their coins out of their pouches and get more chips and head back. Well, before we do this, it's time to become the Zong Luke. I open my briefcase and I take out the thing that's going to change it all. A pair of glasses. And I don them.

I say, I say, now I am Jean-Luc. Whoa! I know. It's uncanny. Oh my God, where did Jean-Claude go? I look totally different. And Betsy, take this piece of paper. You look ridiculous. You're just walking around with a slap of driftwood.

Oh, do you have a pen for her to use, too? Yeah, I have a second pen. I always keep a spare here. Do you have glasses for her to wear, too? Well, of course. Of course I have bits of size glasses. These wrap around your ears. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm sorry. Well, I'll say something's wrong with your voice. I was thinking something else. I look up at you, I've got those big, big round hands. Yeah.

I knew there was a reason I kept those on me. One other thing, and I'll pull out a piece of paper and a pen and just really quickly scribble something down and then keep it in my hand. All right, let's to the counter. Let's see if we can't find who's in charge here. Of course, Mr. Chanticleer. Right away, mister.

His last name didn't change. It's still Mr. Chanticleer. Chanticleer. I'll say, I'll say, I'll say. We are not making it very far. No, no, we got this, Bitsy, we got this, right?

You walk up to the first counter that's open, you see a sprightly young fox as he looks at you and says, "How many chips would you like?" Well, I said I'd like 'em all, sprightly young fox. What's your name there, young lad or lass? I'm very good with foxes. Oh my god.

Your briefcase pops open in a Tupperware filled with spaghetti. That's very funny. Oh no!

My Lord! I grab a handkerchief that falls out right out of my hand. My name is Phineas, sir. What do you need? Phineas, that'll be enough out of you. I need you to find me. Who is in charge? I say immediately.

Are you talking about Mr. Ledoux? Mr. Ledoux? No! He's way too important. Sir, beneath him, probably just so. I need to see whoever manages the money this evening. I am sent here on behalf of the Dimwood Government Tax Collecting Agency. You may have heard of me. Jean-Luc Chanticleer, formerly of Other Criminals. And I need to audit all your money.

Chips and gold. And clams. Those two. Taxman? Yeah, the taxman. Exactly right. And you will take me to the money and those in charge. Or you'll be threat of something far worse than death, young fox. And that's government regulation. Make a persuasion check. Actually, make a deception check. He's so good at this, isn't he? Wow. 19.

Oh wait wait, I leveled down, I leveled down. Hang on, that might not be true. It might be 12. 19? I think it's 12. I have plus 9. But I used to have a thing that was like the lowest reward was 10. Oh yeah yeah yeah. But I think that's the higher one. As soon as you mention taxes and being a tax man,

you see him step back and he pulls down a tin can on a string. I need Mr. LeDoux here. And it goes back up and it says, he'll be right with you. Well, okay. I'll wait right over here. As he closes the shutter to the window.

I will wait patiently for Mr. Ledoux. That was pretty good. I think that was done well. It sounds like they're intimidated. They're shaking in their boots. Well, the one thing you can count on in a criminal organization is they want the government about as far away as...

Well, everybody else. You did great when you looked over your head like Peggy's an aborted plant. Oh my gosh, blend it right in. My eyes can't capture you in particular. I know. It's magic. And Peggy's very clearly naked in a firm, and no one seems to notice her. Everyone just completely walking by. It's almost like it's magic.

You do see that somehow Director Ferret Weasel is actually over there. He's also in a fern. He can see Peggy. More perverts. He's the only one. He's the only one that can see her. The only thing he can see are Peggy's feet. He's in a pot. He's dressed as a fern. Booker.

Walt, they go off and you see, you hear a, uh,

a pup of a corp gun go off and the cheer as you hear the rolling of carapace on stone and sand as the pill bug race kicks off and you hear the loud cheering of Beauregard T. Raccoon. Oh yeah, baby! This is it! It's the big one! Oh, baby!

Oh, no. I run over as fast as my little furry raccoon feet will take me. And I run up right to him and I grab him by the coat. Dad! Dad, it's me, Booker! What are you doing? Oh, Booker, I told you your old man could handle it. I'm up 50,000 clams! It's all good! What? What do you mean you're up? I'm up!

50,000 class, baby. Booker, your old man still has it. Oh, my God. This is amazing news. We got to go. We got to go. Yeah, no. I put it all on that one right over there. You what? No. The odds are great. I'm going to be able to make it big when the love has left my relationship. If it wins big, Pop, all you had to do was walk away. You were waiting. You had plenty. Walk away.

I'm hot tonight. Why would I do that? Because if you don't fix this, they're gonna kill you, Dad. Oh, but I can... Then I'll pay them off and maybe I'll...

the riverboat company hey what do you think oh not for 50 i can't believe this is happening across the clearing i'll move into a much bigger condo i start paying attention to the race you look i'm sweating balls you look and you see as 12 pillbox uh they're about the size of dogs uh uh

I love that. Basically, as they're all rolling through this oval-shaped course that's in the bottom of the casino, as you're looking down, people are cheering. They're holding stacks of chips, and they're very excited. As you see it... Oh, that one there! The one painted purple! See? Ah!

You see as it is in the lead, as it is spinning around and, oh, there it is, there it is! This can't be happening. And suddenly from the very back, you see the pill bug that is painted with the yellow stripe. As it turns to the final stretch, it rolls incredibly fast. In a matter of seconds, it zooms past

The love has left my relation. Oh the purple pill bug. No And your as the pill bug in yellow Zooms ahead and that's it folks. We complicated maritime salvage law has won the race Wow what a photo finish dad

Yeah, Booker? How much are you down now? Oh, that was, uh, that was 65 big ones, I bet. So you're now, your total debt is now 65,000 clams of the Riverfolk Company. Well... Oh, don't tell me it's 80. No, hold on. What do you mean, hold on? Hold on.

Hold on, I don't think right when I don't have a drink. Here. Here, thanks, honey. Okay, here you go. Oh, I don't have anything to tip you with. Sorry. You're the jackass. She glared and walked past. Good thing the drinks are free.

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to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th edition. And don't forget to snag all them extra goodies like dice and miniatures and plushies and a tarot deck and more. Thank you from Legends of Adventress. I mean, I mean, that was 65. My next loan, I owe 15 and then I only got a small loan of 15. Yeah, that's 80.

Is there any more? Uh, there might be a couple of bookies I still owe some money to. Ah, Dad, we had a plan. We had a plan. We could have at least... We were gonna get you the money to at least pay back the Riverfolk Company. But that was when it was only 15. Well, uh, if you would do the plan, and then we can just bet it and trip up our money. No, no! No more betting! No more gambling, Dad! Come on! Use your head!

What are you doing here? You're not gonna win! This isn't gonna solve your problems! We're trying to help you! Well, fine, you're right! You don't have to worry about your old man! I got it handled, I got a plan! No, no, I don't think you do, Dad! I don't think you've got it handled! What are you saying, I'm some sort of bum or something? You know what, Dad? I am. I'm saying you're a bum!

No one calls Beauregard T. Raccoon a bum! Are you ready to back up those words, young man? I call Beauregard T. Raccoon a bum! Make an intimidation check. Oh my god. I would like to use one of my bardic inspirations. You can. Beautiful. So I got a dirty 20. You succeed in brewing. I puff up my chest, and I get in his face, and I kind of bump up against him a little bit.

What are you gonna do about it, Dad? You're gonna meet me outside, son! And I'm gonna teach you a lesson I should've taught you a long time ago! Beauregard T. Raccoon ain't no bum! Alright. Alright, I'll meet you outside. But we're gonna meet on the other side of the clearing. There's an old, soggy apartment. You can't miss it. It smells bad by now. It's absolutely drenched. Over there, there's a little patch of liver.

And I'll meet you there. So on the other side of the clearing, you can't miss it. Look for the soggy apartment. I know that's a weird thing to say when I say it out loud. Just trust me, it's there. Yeah, I'm going to teach you a lesson, son. Okay. You're lucky that there are all these goons in here that would kill us both if I started a fight. Oh, yeah, I'm the lucky one? Yeah, you're the lucky one. I'm the one who's been all over the dickwood. You heard me, Booker. I'm going to teach you a lesson, man. You heard me, Booker. Okay. Okay. Dad. Ah! He rips his shirt off. Ah!

See this? Booker! Yeah? This is what peak performance looks like. He's got a pot belly. Yeah. Yeah, you're looking a little soft, Dad. You're looking a little soft. Your years are catching up to you. Yeah, just you wait. I never taught you how to fight. I didn't think you could take it. I'll see you in the soggy apartment. Okay. Okay, well, just one more thing, Dad. Ah!

I was in prison! I was in prison, old man! What? I know more than you know. I've been around the block. I went to the school of hard knocks. I've been to prison. You've been to prison? And you're a bum! You've been to prison? I've been to prison. I've been to prison!

Oh, where did it all go wrong? Oh, no, Dad, Dad, I didn't mean it like that. Oh, I am a bum! Dad, I didn't mean it like that. Oh, no, Dad, I'm sorry. I failed, my boy! No, Dad, no, you didn't, you didn't. Oh, you ended up in prison! No, I, no! Oh, I failed as a father!

Let me explain it was a big misunderstanding we weren't supposed to be there look I got carried away We both said things that we didn't mean all right Come on. It's gonna be all right. Just come with me walk away from the table come on Come with me come on

Oh, okay. I'll, like, be carrying him. You're right. It's okay. Come on. It's all right. Oh, thanks, sweetie. I don't got anything to tip. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?

Let's get you out of here. Come on, let's get some fresh air. God, what am I going to do? We're going to figure it out. Here's what I need you to do. I'm going to have to find Ned. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going to find Ned. There's a good chance that he might already be gone. Just come with me.

We're gonna get you outside, we're gonna put you on a park bench right outside of the riverboat, and then I'm gonna find my friends and we're gonna keep working on this, all right? Or better yet, maybe just go back to your apartment and sleep it off. That was my last clean shirt, looker. You know, that's unsurprising, but you don't need a clean shirt when you're back home in your own place. It's all right. Okay.

Okay. Gosh, I really thought that that was the big race. I bet we all did. We were going to make six figures. Yep, yep, that would have been nice. So many clams. That would have been nice. Listen, can you promise me you're going to get home, just go home, stay home, and we're going to come up with a solution for this? It was my lucky day, Booker.

Yep, it was supposed to be all of our lucky days, Dad. Okay, I'm going home and finishing that mac and cheese I made earlier. Yeah, just, okay, maybe next time, just don't, you know what, just go home. Just get home. Get home safe, all right? Oh!

Okay, Dad, we heard you the first time. He's getting old now. Come on. We heard you. Oh, is there something wrong with your old man showing a little emotion? No, I know. It's okay. It's very, you know, real men cry.

Okay, I'm going home and having some turning on skin of mac and ham, finishing that crusty, dusty mac and cheese. All right, good. Thanks for sharing. All right, and I'm going to see him to the front of the riverboat and watch him as he walks towards his house, his apartment. And just keep an eye on him until I think he's going, he's making his way there. I think Jackalope Jug's got a special on tonight. I don't need to ever hear about that. It might still be on when you guys get back. It's fine, we can watch it together. We're probably not getting back tonight, just...

Don't stay up for us. Don't tell us. Don't tell me about your plans. Just keep that to yourself. All right, good luck. Well, I'm just going to see him off. And I'm going to wait there until I think he's on his way. And just get some fresh air and think about all of this new information I have to process. You do that. Meanwhile...

You hear a lot of commotion. But you stick with the plan as several of the pit bosses immediately look over at you. The staff members here are whispering and you hear Alton John playing away. And I'm a rockin' man! I'll sing, I'll sing, this is my song.

As you finally wait and a, from the very top of the stairs, a, uh,

a figure appears. The tallest figure in this place, an enormous alligator man in a fine purple suit, a cigar in his mouth, very well dressed with the widest grin you could possibly see as his eyes immediately find you, Jean-Claude.

as he walks down the grand staircase up from the second floor. As-- He probably looked tough. You see that he's wearing a top hat, all of his fingers have rings on them. He has a chain from a pocket watch chain that's brilliantly gilded. As he steps forward and approaches you, looming tall, and he says,

Well, I wasn't expecting the taxman to show up on this fine evening. What can I do for you? I say, I say, Mr. Ledoux, it is a pleasure to meet you. I am sorry, however, to say it will not be your pleasure to meet me. Jean-Luc Chanticleer at your service. And your coffers will soon be at mine.

And I produced the piece of paper of which I had written an illusory script that says, "Jean-Luc Chanticleer, tax auditor for the government of the Dimwood, all books and money will be surrendered for my review immediately."

Or upon penalty of the Riverboat Casino being shut down indefinitely. I don't understand why the Erie would send a different tax man to come and collect on such a fine evening. Let me take a look, boy. Make a deception check. I do assure you...

Do you want to use twist? Oh, we do have lots of twists. So you can add five, up to a maximum of five, before you roll. I'll add five. He's very scary. That's fair. I'm very unsettled, talking to extremely large crab. That's a natural one. For a total of 15. Damn.

I'll roll an insight. Can I use bardic inspiration to subtract from your insight die? Is that how that works? Yeah, if you have the ability to use, what is it, distracting words or... Unsettling words. What are you going to say as he's looking over at you?

I say, I say, Mr. Ledoux, us tax auditors, we don't choose the ballroom, we just dance. Very good. And he's really good at math! So how does that work? I just roll a d6 and it subtracts from your d6. Come on. Nice. Four? So you subtract four. Okay. From whatever you rolled inside of it.

I think I recognize your name. You are the accountant that the Don has recently added to his employ.

Did he send you or was it the Eyrie? I can't recall which you said it was. Well, I say, I say, and I said that the Eyrie sent me as I have recently parted ways with Dom as we did not agree on acceptable rates.

And I have taken with me some of my finest henchmen, one of which whose power is entirely unmatched, and the other one whose crazy psychosis is entirely unmatched and is unpredictable and dangerous over all the wrath. I want private security! If it weren't for me, this place would fall apart. His eyes darted to you. For Mrs. Chanticleer! He rolls up your paper and hands it back to you. Oh, thank you.

Now I would expect the eerie to send a bird and to collect their pound of flesh, but the best they can do is a chicken. Well, you can... Boy, you're about as good and useful as in a chicken and sausage gumbo. Wow.

You can slang all the hurtful words that you like, good sir, but words won't sting as much as a percentage out of your evening's take. Then what am I back? I assure you my books are up to date. I will be the judge of the day. Make one more deception check. Oh boy. It's easier if he just does it himself. I swear. Five twists, five twists. We got him. Spend him.

Okay, 24. Much better, holy shit. Allow me, Mr. Chanticleer, to show you to a ledger. I assure you that we are square. Well, I appreciate the hospitality, Mr. Ledoux. I say, I say, take me and my heinous henchmen.

to your ledger and we will see how square you are. - Well, I think you all should enjoy a drink and perhaps some dessert in my office. - Well, I'm not a dessert fan, I know. - That sounds nice. - Do you have any drugs? - What kind of man do you take me for, boy? - Someone who sells drugs. Not the illegal con, but I'm the biggest Paul Atreides bitch he's ever seen.

So I need to take drugs. He's a little off. He's strong, but don't look at him funny or he'll start talking weird, I swear. He looks at Grumly funny. I like a boy like Ponto. You even brought your dog to heel. Does he do any tricks?

Well, you press him a little further, I say, I say, and you're gonna see him rip straight in the bone. Why don't you try to roll over, boy? I don't know any tricks. It's like a dry cookie. I'm gonna say something medicine. Just say something about doing tricks and make it threatening. Oh, I could.

take you in the marjor's and do a death roll with you and break your bones. Cause you get it, you're like an alligator guy and you roll over sometimes. - It is at this moment that I'm going to sneak out of the plant and head straight for Booker. - You would find me by the piano player. - Yeah.

I tip somebody for a drink, I'm having a drink, I look wistful and sad and I'm waiting to see if there's an opportunity to potentially maybe play and wait to see if you show up. You find me sitting there very sad. - You're sitting there, you're looking off in the distance and all of a sudden you notice the whites of my eyes darting back and forth from inside the piano. And as you look in, you see that I am attached to the inside of the piano. My sticky little frog finger is just attached to the top of it. - Peggy!

Keep your voice down. Oh, sorry, sorry. Okay, I won't let... Budget! Budget! Budget! Budget! I have unfortunate... I have some unfortunate news. Yeah, I do too. You go first. Budget! Budget! Budget!

*coughing*

They're screwing the pooch. That's not good. I don't even know what Grumly's trying to do right now, but I think he's on to us. I think he's on to us. I think he can see straight through it that he's not a tax man. And Bitsy, she's not going crazy. She's acting like a personal assistant or a secretary. It's uncanny. It's strange. I hate it. It's unnatural. All right, all right. Take a deep breath. Listen, I'm going to need you to go back to them as well and let them know that we...

We need a lot more money. We need closer to like 80,000 clams. Better make it a cool 1K just to be safe because my dad's a bum. He gambled it. He was up and he gambled it all away and we could have just walked and he took out another loan and he gambled it all away. I'll relay the message, but look, I think you've got to intervene. I don't...

I don't think it's working. I'm scared. But I'm scared! Listen to me, Peggy. Listen to me. Don't be scared. Take a deep breath. What are they? Do they need an ouch? Do they need an ouch? I have no idea.

I can create a distraction. He says his books are solid and they're up to date. He's going to take them back to his office and it sounds like a sex thing or maybe a murder thing. But I don't think it sounds like a tax thing. I mean, I can create a diversion. I can maybe play a song on the piano or draw the crowds out. I don't know. We got to get them out of there. I don't think they see it. I don't think they realize it.

When are they gonna get back? Okay, Peggy, get it together. Go tell them the new amount and tell them that if it gets bad, if they have some sort of code word, that you get back to me and I'll create a distraction. I can bring the house down. I promise, I can do it. I remember when Rock was young.

Me and Schmooze are heads, what more is wrong? Go! Go! Go! Get to him! You see Peggy slowly sink back into the piano. Her eyes blink a couple more times knowingly at you and then just disappear. And I'm going to wait there, drink in hand, and I'm shaking a little. Now I'm nervous. You're shaking. And I'm going to wait for an opportunity, like for one, this guy to maybe take a break. And two, for some sort of sign to...

that they might need a distraction. And then I will try to come up with a plan. You hear the song continue. But the biggest kick I ever got was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock. It's very on brand. And immediately, all of the staff gasps. And...

Mr. Ledoux glares towards and a hush falls over the crowd. Brilliant! As he's playing on the piano, I say, stop! What did you just call me? And Alton John is stammering.

Well, I was just doing this thing. I mean, I'm not Alton John. I'm the Alton John experience. As Mr. LeDoux steps forward, goes right past you. And as this owl is looking up nervously, he's stammering and his giant sunglasses fall off his face, fall off his beak. And he has actually shockingly small eyes for an owl.

Uh, as he said, well, I was just a... You just call me a crocodile? No, I mean, it's just, it's the song. What's the difference? Oh, no! This guy's dead. He's so dead. He pulls out his pocket watch. How about that? Look at the time. And he snaps. And immediately, it...

a fleet of guards and thugs from all over the casino come down and grab Alton, the Alton John experience, whoever this poor musician was, as he, oh no, I'm sorry, Alton! As he gets grabbed and you hear his screams as he gets pulled away. - I'm just, I have a front row seat to all of this, and I'm just like,

As he turns around, the entire casino is quiet. As Mr. Ledoux closes his pocket watch and puts it back into his coat. Sorry about that interruption for tonight's entertainment. All whiskeys half price for the next hour.

Enjoy! Everyone cheers as the crowd goes wild again, rushing to the various bars as you see as Mr. LeDoux's eyes follow where the guards have taken this owl and followed his screams. I would have used that moment if I could have to make my way back to the group.

And as this is happening, you would look down and you'd see that your briefcase is open a little bit and you see two blinking eyes. I said, "Oh! Hey! I mean, briefcase! Is that you?" You'll see a bit of paper slowly rise up out of the briefcase, just the tip. Yes, hello!

Take it. What are you doing? Take the paper. Oh, okay. Well, let's see what this says. It's just, uh, yes, quiet, quiet. Of course. In big letters, it will say, danger, danger. I need a code word for Booker just in case you fuck everything up. Yeah, no shit is dangerous. You just did that all the time, bitch. Keep your voice down. You think this is a fucking secret message? He has had 47 goons. Let's go way down.

I'm just freaking out. I need you to breathe. I don't even barely know what I put my leg on the line. I just spent 20 minutes ago. I'm just in between jobs. You know, I needed something to do. I got disbarred. I was swirling. I need a code word, John Clark. Hey, Jean-Luc. That's what I'm talking about. All right, I'm back in. What's your code word?

Write it on a piece of paper and stick it back in here. It'll be out of your hair in no time. You won't even see it. Why do you do that? That's not gonna do anything to the pen. - Nah, it's all experience. It's just with the mystique of it all. It doesn't actually do anything to the pen, you're correct. But, uh, oh man. What's a word that would not come up in casual conversation at a casino? - Grummie, does your turtleneck smell funny? - What, who? - Grummie?

I thought you said Crammy? Tomato? You don't know. Does mine? Yes. Well, maybe it does now. Does yours? Yeah, it's been weird since I put it on. What does it smell like? You know like when you open Play-Doh for the first time?

Oh, yeah. As Mr. Ledoux walks back,

to you. He pulled out a handkerchief and he wipes his brow as he puts it away and says, I am sorry about that nasty business, nasty business. Oh no, I say I mean the musical entertainment for the evening. I can't believe it. I need to find out who arranged for the entertainment for the evening and they will have a stern talking to you.

Mr. Ledoux, we appreciate your hospitality, but we got all kinds of places where the DGTCA need to collect them taxes. So if you could just let us in and see your ledger and make sure that we are accounting correctly, then we'll be able to be on our way. Well, I suppose then I can prove to y'all and then you'll...

Leave me away. I thought that I got away from the blood-sucking mosquitoes when I got out of the heart of the bayou, but I guess that you can't escape the vile proboscis of the taxman. I say no you cannot. It's the nature of the animal king. Well, join me for a after-dinner feast.

cocktail and a plate of dessert. Well, it would be our pleasure. That sounds nice. He leads you away. Booker, the piano is empty. There's a little bit of blood. I would get up with drink still in hand and walk over to the piano and be like,

Oh boy, what have we gotten ourselves into? And I'll sit down at the piano and I'll just begin to tickle the ivories a little as I'm like warming up and waiting for some sort of code word. Waiting for some sort of like... I would be just playing ambiance music and warming up and...

I'm just full of emotion right now with what happened with me and my dad and the murder that I just witnessed right in front of me that's surely actively happening as we speak. And waiting for some sort of code word to cause a distraction because deep down in my heart, I know that I have a soulful tune that will really get the people.

As you warm up, you perfectly play the opening notes of Piano Man by Billy Joel. You're stealing my song, I'm going to say. But yes, I'm warming up with Piano Man because there's a reason. I'm warming up with Piano Man. You flawlessly play smooth hotel jazz. I don't know how you knew, but you knew. You just knew. Best friends for 10 years. That's right. We're operating on the same wavelength. You play flawlessly hotel jazz.

As people are like, "Man, I thought he didn't play my favorite song." He tipped Elton John Experience 50 bucks and he didn't play my song. I tipped him 20 clams. He promised he would play Goodbye Yellow Belly Toad. What happened to Great Balls of Fire?

Oh, man. As Mr. LeDoux leads you up several flights of stairs. I would slip the paper back to Peggy before we, when he moves to head up the stairs so that she can do whatever she's doing with her briefcase. You see that it sinks into the darkness. You watch Peggy's eyes blink a couple of times. And then all of a sudden your briefcase feels significantly lighter. Oh, no.

I'll say that is weird every time. And what is written on the paper? Uh, flim flam. I should hear him shout that. Oh no. Yep.

Eventually, you see a beautifully carved door at a very private top level of the Hungry Catfish Riverboat Casino. And Louis Ledoux opens it with a shiny brass key and welcomes you into a smoky office, beautifully decorated, beautifully decorated.

beautifully adorned with all sorts of art and a strange... a collection of strange artifacts. As you see a large mahogany desk and a cart with liquor, and you see that there is a... several trays of various confections, and he says, "'Can I interest y'all in a cartel and a slice of pecan pie?'

to let bygones be bygones and put all that nastiness behind us. Well, I say, I think that's a great place to start. We wouldn't dare turn down the hospitality of yourself. You run a very beautiful establishment here, sir. I certainly wouldn't since I've been denied my promotion. I said we'd talk about this later, Betsy. We wouldn't be here without my input. I'll have some too.

And I also need a floor plan with all entrances and exits and potential sniper's nests and foxholes. I'll say that's for tax reasons. For the security of Mr. Chanticleer, it's protocol. Oh, and drugs, if you have them.

Can I twist? I'm twisting. Of course you can. And you see as he goes to his desk, he leans down, he pulls out a small key, he unlocks a door, and he pulls out a very heavy leather-bound tome. As he places it on a table that's away from his desk, he walks past and drops it down. And you see that there's a clasp on it. And he pulls out another even smaller key and he opens that and he says, Feel free to peruse, my good rooster.

Well, I say thank you so much for presenting this here, sir. I unhook the... Assuming that it opens. It does, yeah. And he goes to his liquor cart and he begins pouring and he says, How long you been in the clear and I...

I've only heard of your name recently. And he fixes cocktails and brings them to all of you, and he eventually arrives with plates of pecan pie and spoons. I look down at the first entry. Bet. Simple bet. Paid out. 100 clams. Taxes paid. 10%. $10.

I say, well, this one looks wrong already. Oh, I'm done. It's complicated. Text stuff, you might not understand. Well, I say, how long have I been here? Well, you know, it's hard to remember. Uh,

exactly the time in which you've shown up to a place, you know? Once you kind of get your bearings, it oftentimes feels as if you've been there forever. But as you say, I do believe it was rather recently. Just a short time ago. - Make a deception check. - Page two. - I got a 14 on my deception. - Oh, okay. - At his advantage. - I said that.

21. 21? 21. He nods as he hands you the pie, and he's looming over you. Despite your size, he's looming over you. He pats you on the cheek, and he says, You all right, boy? You looking a little green around the gills. You don't have the excuse on account of being a mammal. No, this is just a normal job, and I'm a...

Mean son of a bitch. Literally, because I'm a dog, get it? Or no performance.

I rolled a natural one. Five. That was a good try. Five is pretty good. Well, it's a good thing that he hired you for security and not for comedy, boy. That was awful. As he smokes his cigar. Can I interest you in any fine cigars? Perhaps some coffee. I'll get it brewing. Ooh, I'll take some coffee. That sounds nice. All right.

How's it looking, Taxman? Well, I've made it all the way to... You can see we are all butting up here. Well, there are 5,000 pages in this thing, sir, and I'm on page three. So, this is going to take just a minute or two. I wouldn't want to hold you. If you'd like, you can come back in maybe 30 minutes or so, and I'll...

I'll give you an answer. My best guess is that how we're looking at that time. No, I think I'll wait. Oh, okay. I think I'll wait as he goes over to his chair and he unbuttons his jacket, slings it over the back of his chair. He sits down as it creaks, as he kicks his perfectly polished shoes up on his desk, as he smokes his cigar and eats a slice of pecan pie.

By every decree, he's permitted 48 hours to review your ledger, sir. Just giving you full context. If you decide to sit here with us for 48 hours, if it takes him this long. You get a deception check. That's really good. Advantage to being assisted. Advantage? I'm using fire twists. I'm using fire twists. I need a different die. I do all my dies. There we go. 24. Oh! Big.

And now, when did the tyrants in the treetops instate this new regulation? The last tax man didn't need my ledgers that long. It's their new leader, sir. You know how it is. Got quite a bit of turnover there, and, you know, whoever's in charge...

Passed a bunch of new laws as soon as he was sworn in. I think it was last week. Bastard, desperate, that bald son of a bitch. It's true. There are a lot of new laws in the books that totally changed everything. People are paying way more taxes. Imagine being a bird and not having any feathers on your head. That carrion-eating lowlife. Well, I suppose that nothing can be done

Do you wish to stay here for 48 hours then? We can put you up in a room in the catfish. Well, I say, I say, I think that's mighty kind of me, sir. I wouldn't deem to take these here ledgers out of your fine establishment. So if you'll provide myself and my attache appropriate...

accommodations as it were, we would be more than happy to do this work under your roof for the next 48 hours. Make a persuasion check. 19. He sets and stews for a bed and he slowly just eats his pie. Page four. Coffee's ready.

I suppose, since I am certainly not letting you take that off of the deck of my damn boat, y'all can be put up in our finance room as we'll have to just rearrange, walk a customer or two, guest, but only the best for the authorities. And now I understand that if you do find anything out of order, then you come directly to me.

and I'm sure that we can make it right. And he, as he steps forward, he squeezes your arm very tightly and places a hand on your hand as you see that there are 25 gold pieces as he leaves it. As he says, well, if you will all finish up your cocktails and desserts,

I can pour y'all some coffee and you can take it to go to your rooms. We'll just need an hour. Well, I say quite right, good sir. I think whatever I turn up in this here effing I'm doing, I will bring it to you straight away and I'm sure that my findings will come up agreeable to you. Wow. He walks through the door of his office and opens up and he just gestures out,

Don't think about leaving now. I have eyes everywhere. I say we would not. We would not think about leaving. We're here on the deck of your hair ship. Wait, sir. Allow me first. Clear. Clear. Come ahead. I'm sure that you shouldn't need a full 48 hours. Any accountant that is up to the snuff of the ear can certainly do math. And they could be able to calculate all that no more than six.

Well... I'm sure you won't need it, but you will have a room at this establishment. I say that's once again, might of kind. And now I here could calculate this in four hours. Jean-Luc Chanticleer. Don't forget the name or the face. Don't worry, I won't. I am, however...

Extremely thorough as it would to be a tax-ordered accountant man of the government. And so I will quintuple and sometimes even decimatuple my findings. Decimatuple. Which means that it will take me not the full 48 hours, I say, I say, but quite possibly 40. Make it a second check.

Somebody say decimituple? What the fuck? And it's as you say that that you spill a little bit of your drink and you look down and you realize that there's movement in the carpet. What the hell? And then you realize that it's Peggy's eyes as they open up. Peggy is between your legs staring up at you just blending into the carpet beneath you. I hit a bad note. What the heck, Peggy? Whoa! Whoa!

Stop it, that's scary, I don't like it. Freaking me out. What's going on? Yes, I hear you, I see you. What are you doing? What do you mean? I'm invisible, you can't see me. Okay, I can't see you, but you have my attention. What's up? Okay, great. I'm gonna slip this piece of paper right beneath your thigh. Don't get all creepy about it. Okay, well, don't be weird about it, all right? I'm lifting my knob. You have a really strong calf muscle. Thank you. You're working out, Pucka.

happen, you know? I do it in secret. I don't want anybody to make fun of me. Yeah, but I've been working. I thank you for noticing. Yeah, it's working. It's really working. Look at that. It's not every day that I'm sitting like this and my pants are brightening up and you can see my calves for a minute. So thank you, Peggy. I appreciate it. You're very welcome. I don't want anyone to make fun of me. But I'm going to slip this in. This is the code word. I looked at it. All right. We thought.

And then just as quickly as Peggy says that, you look down and there's nothing there but carpet. Well, that's not good. But you do see the piece of paper is just right beneath your thigh. I take the piece of paper, the leg that the piece of paper is under, the thigh that it's attached to. I lift that foot up and I use that foot to play the other part of the piano while I use my hand to look at the note. And I see flim flam. Flim flam, yeah. All right. I tuck that into my pocket and I go back to playing. 23.

He nods at you and says, "I hope you have restful sleep and pleasant dreams aboard this riverboat. Our guests always do. We have the finest feather beds. In a clearing like this, there are plenty of birds to plug." Dude, that's fucked up.

I say, I say, I wish the same pleasant dreams and sleep for even unto yourself, good sir. And I would tell you to not sleep in, but I know that you rise with the sun.

Good night, Mr. Chanticleer. Good night. And good night to you, Mr. Boot Click. Pardon me? As Mr. Chanticleer's assistant, I have to make sure that everything's in order and that everything's on the up and up. What is your name? See? She's serious right now.

Well, she was more of a work release program. I'd probably bring her on and then hang on to the team. I actually get my own tax benefits. Well, suppose I can't argue with that. I do a bit of philanthropy and charity work in my time too. My name, young lady, is Louie Ledoux.

Owner of this here riverboat casino. And is there a Mrs. Ledoux? No, I'm afraid there is not, young lady. How long would you say you've owned this establishment? It's all the tax bonuses. This is very important. I've owned this riverboat for nigh on 30 years. Ah!

I'll write up the rest of these questions and I'll get those to you first thing in the morning. And I still need a copy of the floor plan with all entrances and exits and secret rooms and such. Oh yeah, that's really important. We have to know about the number of square footage in the commercial business. That's right. It's really important. Potential air ducts for, you know, targets to sneak in and out. Now you're questioning my write-off.

I'm questioning nothing sir, I just need the floor plan. It's eerie procedure by decree, as you must understand. Oh, they're eerie and they are fucking crazy. There are a lot of changes, a lot of casino-vote-environment regulations that have been put in place. 25. Holy! Oh no.

environmental impact, regulation inspection. We're improving community programs. That's very funny. I got like four more of these. I've been very quiet the last 20 minutes. That's funny how that happens. Well done.

is always something. I'm sure there'll be a new decree on tomorrow and then they'll want to suck even more blood from me. Take your regulation. He walks over to another cabinet. He opens up. I think it's around here. Ah, here it is. I assure you that all of this, every square foot of this riverboat is 100%

A write-off, you understand, girl? Okay. Don't take my word for it, you inspect. I will, thank you. Y'all have a good night. Good night, sir. Good night, Mr. Ledoux. Close the door behind you.

"Get to the room, get to the room, get to the room right now, oh my god." I'll say, I'll say, "Move, move, move." Are we in the room? Or did he leave us? We're in the hallway, right? He's jettisoned us. He said it would take an hour for your room to be ready and someone would find you. And the book is still in his office. No, we haven't. I think he's given you the book. I just can't take it off the book. Right, I just wanted to make sure that was what I understood. And I have the, like, layout. The floor plan. Okay. You see a very burly fox, like, just right down the stairs from the office. They're keeping their eyes on you. Yeah.

Perhaps we should enjoy the floor while we wait for our rooms. I see a hawk looking at you. I say, I say, but I think that's a fine idea. Why don't we enjoy it? Vitsi, may I, as head of security for Mr. Chanticleer, review the provided documentation? You certainly may, Mr. Grumman. To make sure all entrances are covered and regulated, of course.

I look at it, and based on this floor plan, can I see where the vault, like where his, is he a vault on board? Or is there anything that would make it obvious of like secret passageways or the back of the house? I'm just looking for points of interest that might catch my eye.

I will say you will need to take the evening to review it, to really scour it. You look at it and it's all just blue and lines. Right. And so trying to make sense of it, you'll need to take the evening to... It looks like there might not be, but you need to take the time. Ah, yes. Very eco-friendly.

Silver? No, no, very, very... Silver-rated. I mean, terribly eco-rated. Copper-rated. Oh, and oh no, it's my mother-in-law wins the race! Weird names. Oh, God. Let's go down and have a drink at one of the gambling tables and we can talk more about the regulations to fund special safety measures against alien threat.

Oh. I forgot that was one of our goals of the... Yes, exactly right. That's a very pleasant idea. Great. I'll lead the way. You see your friend standing down the stairs as... I don't know where Peggy is. That's true.

You guys would easily just see me playing the piano. I'm just, I'm looking around. I'm not like, you tell them that it's not requiring a lot of effort, not a lot of thought, as I'm just kind of, you can see that I look kind of sad. You're like vamping. Yeah, I'm vamping. I'm just trying to set the mood. I was waiting for Flim Flam, never heard it. And so I was just, you know, I'm just keeping my wits about me as you can see that I'm playing them. And I spot you guys, and I'll probably give you a heads up. Like a hug. Oh, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look.

We don't know him. We don't know him. And I'm like, and then I look at you grubby dude, and I'm like, what the hell? Stop. Booker, stop. Stop. We don't know you. Booker, stop. Ah, what a day. And then I'll just like put my head down and keep playing. You're acting weird, man.

You're acting weird. No. You're real different. I said, girl, we get it together. I was shaking like a leaf on a tree up there. And then you just came online. Something came over you. You were incredible in there. Where's the politrainers that came up with this plan? Well, I haven't had the drugs yet. I've been looking all over for them. Here, give me a drink. A drink arrives. Thanks. Sorry, I don't have any money for a tip. LAUGHTER

So we have to be good enough for them, all right? Well, I got us the plan, didn't I? The floor plan?

Yeah, that was good. That was real good. You need to stack up a bunch of regulations so that his taxes go up, so that we can take the money. Well, the plan is to inform him that his books were, in fact, up to code a week ago, I say, I say, and then suddenly new regulations were rolled out, and as it were, in fact, now he owes 500,000 clams to the government. Now he thinks it's going to take 48 hours. He's going to be able to check on our identities.

And what if John Luke walks into this riverboat? Every hour that goes by, this becomes way riskier. Well, we cannot say we can do it faster than 40 hours. I was just trying to go with the plan upon that time. That's all we had at that time. I didn't expect him to give us a hotel room. I was trying to kind of intimidate him. We've got to make it last enough time that it seems reasonable, but not so much time that we get caught. It's like a game of chicken, John Luke.

I mean, that's quite insightful, Vincent. Yeah, I think you hit it right there on the head. I just wanted to make the chicken pun. Look, when I was a soldier for the Marquis Art, there was all this propaganda about how insane the Eerie was with their regulations and taxes and it would change all the time. So I figured if we make up a bunch of stuff and we're like, oh, based on all these new regulations that just passed, you actually owe us...

500,000 clams, but if you pay us... Do we know that...

I don't know if Peggy passed that part of the test. If he KS 15,000 clams, then we'll just turn a blind eye. Hey, we were supposed to wiggle it, so 20 will probably be enough. Oh, 20's plenty. There's no way you lost 20. There's no way. Absolutely not. So get forging. We need to forge as many official documentation regulations as we can.

Make one about secret underground bunkers. Oh, yeah, exactly right. Gambling addiction prevention. Now, gambling addiction prevention, the casinos will get right behind that. Updating technology to stay competitive. I'll say, you were a great hire. I got a million. We go on. And we do this. I would say that you enjoy the...

You enjoy the casino for as long as you like, and you hear, tough pill to swallow wins the race. They're pill bugs, get it? Soon to be glue.

I will say that in order to forge, you will need to take the evening, you will need to take your time in order to do it. I think that you would not want to start forging documents in-- On the casino floor. On the casino floor, at the bar. There's like spilled booze, there's condensation all over the floor. This one's stained now. My regulations, my regulations. The ink is running.

Yes, I say, great plan, absolutely. I say we spend just another couple moments till the room is ready. We enjoy ourselves down here briefly. We retire to the accommodations provided by Mr. Ledoux. It's about 15 minutes, I would say, before the room's ready that Jean-Claude slash Luke turns around and you see Peggy

Full nude. Just attached to his back. How long she's been there, you're not sure. Oh!

Something slimy, something slimy, get it off me, get it off me. Oh, you can see me again? Yeah. I can't see as much as I can feel. Oh, Brian, can you give me my clothes? It's getting cold in here. We didn't pick up your clothes. I think they're still outside the casino. Well, shit. I have this extra turtleneck. They smell funny, though. Have you ever opened Play-Doh? No. Let's give it a shot.

Peggy puts it on and it only goes to like her waist. Is it just poo bearing? Yeah. That's right. You know what it'll have to do. Well, perfectly decent. Please sit on this casino stool. My arms are a little too long for it.

Um, Jean-Claude, what are the odds that Jean-Luc... Jean-Luc. Oh, Jean-Luc, what are the odds that Jean-Claude walks in here? Do you know if he's much of a gambling type?

Particularly middle of the night gambling. If you're lucky, he's just dead. That's exactly what Jean-Luc would say. Who is I? The only way that that no good rat bastard brother of mine, Jean-Claude, recently disbarred the disgrace to the family, that he would walk in here as, well, he wouldn't simply. And if he was to...

Uh, we just go about saying that, well, he's disgusting and I hate him and he's the worst and not to trust him because he's a notorious lawyer. What would that look like, though? Do I look...

Should we practice that? Do you want me to pretend like I'm Jean-Claude? It's hard to look at you like that, not wearing pants. Think of my brother, Jean-Claude. It's just really unsettling. Peggy gets up off of the bench and there's a little like, marking there where her ass had been. Oh boy, I have to hold my tongue.

Do you want me to pretend to be John Claw? I suppose we could role play it right now. I suppose we could role play it. Yeah, do that. I'll have another drink. I say, I say. The cocktail waitress is standing there waiting, Betsy. Oh, thank you. I don't have any money with you. That's fun, you're a bitch.

He glared at you and walked away. I say, I say. Well, I say, I say. No, you shut up, you stupid brother of mine. Oh, you motherfucker. I was always mom and dad's favorite.

You rat bastard! Oh, no! That's why I got to go into-- that's why I got to become a lawyer. Well, how's it funny that you know that you're a lawyer? Well, yes, you dumb bastard. You're stumbling over your words because you're stupid. You are always the ugliest one of the two of us. I say, I say, I'm looking at you-- You remember when you were blue and you were partially bald? I do.

Yeah, that head horse came in with no feathers on it. Took you three years to grow them all in and you know what? They've always been thin. You know, as much as you are no good-- Like your morals. Rotten! Like your morals! Bastard! Of a lawyerin' or who the hell knows what you're doin' 'cause you're good at nothin', there's some things you just don't reveal.

And a man's hair upon his birth is one of those things. What are you doing in this place?

What am I? Am I Claude or Jean? We've been roleplaying wrong. We should roleplay as if Jean-Luc also walks in. So pretend like, what are you doing? I'm Jean-Luc. You're both Jean-Luc. We have to practice this. Oh, okay. That's a scenario. Everything I said still stands. Jean-Claude, what are you doing here?

I say I sing. You know it's good tooth timing, flim flamming, garbage eating, piece of shit, low-lifing lawyer motherfucker. I assume you hear flim flamming. I hear flim flamming. I hear flim flamming. And I'm... I've been drinking. But I hear flim flamming. And it's not a word that I hear, and I hear it's an impeccable Jean-Luc impression. And...

The drinks have been flowing, because they're half off since the incident with the Elwynn John experience. A rabbit cocktrow waitress, she comes over and she touches your shoulder like, you're really good. So I take another drink, I take a deep swig, and I summon the most soulful song that I can from the depths of my soul from having just a horrific evening and hoping that my friends can salvage this. And...

Just as you said, the beautiful intro to Piano Man begins to play. Oh, God, this is going to be tough to get through. I'm going to try not to. It's nine o'clock on the equivalent of a Saturday and a toad's shambling in a throng. There's an old squirrel sitting next to me, just jolking and spanking his heart.

And they play a little bit more, and they start to go wild. That would have been a great discussion. He says, son, can you play me a memory? I'm too drunk to know how it goes. But it's horny and neat, and it sounds like slapping meat when I'm wearing some other dude's clothes. Oh, la-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I break down the piano intro.

And I see that the people are gathering around the piano as we start to reach the chorus. Sing us a song, you're the pervert man. So wrote us a song, keep it tight. Cause we're all in the mood for an order.

and you've got a stroke in all night. And the song goes on for like 12 minutes as I play the whole thing. And I'm just trying to bring, there's a tear in my eye as I try to bring the house down. And by the end, we're all singing and toasting and drinking to just the sadness that is life. That was spectacular. That was really cool. I didn't even know he could play the piano. The whole performance took advantage of it. I think this is just ridiculous.

This is a distraction! We shouldn't-- he did it too early! We have to capitalize on this! What happened? I don't know! Is there like a... somewhere we can sneak around? You have fucking plans? Wait, so are we not gonna finish our rope? It's covered in spilled liquor now.

I want to see if there's any back room hallway that we can slip into while this is happening. And in that moment, John Luke walks in the door. I got a 21 on my performance. The entire house comes down. Everyone is stopped. They're like...

That Alton John experience guy fucking sucked! You can call me Furry Joel as I take my hat off and I bow. I'll be accepting drinks all night. Play free! I'll see what I can do. And I play a song that is nothing, that says nothing like Furry Joel. And I continue to just kind of play and at this point I'm mingling with the people and trying to be a distraction because I thought I heard the code word.

Yeah, absolutely a booker me a quick intelligence check a disadvantage. Oh boy. Oh not booker. Sorry. Oh, thank you. Great. Yeah, I'm twisting five times. Oh my god, I should pretty good natural 20 under 12 Plus five twists is 17. I think my in bonuses one so said 19 718 18 18 you 18

You find a subtle passage into the heart of the Hungry Catfish that is where the VIPs come in to perform. It's not too far from where Booker is, that basically leads to the bowels of the Hungry Catfish, almost like an underground and in-the-walls hallway system that leads to the grand stage on a different level of this...

riverboat. And you feel like there are several entrances that are very subtle and you don't see the doors immediately, but you presume are secret passageways. Go, go, go! Go now! Go, go, go! And I start hustling through the doors. I have no plan. But I, you know, Grumly wants to take advantage of this distraction. Okay. Okay.

We're on minute two of the song. If we can get away with that. Okay. Make a...

So who's going with you? I'll be. I'm caught up in the moment. Grumly is leading you as Booker is going absolutely nuts as they're throwing coins at him. They're throwing underwear at him. He's going bananas. Men's underwear. All of that. All of the above. I'll take it all.

I take it off. Underwear. Get your demon hot underwear. Behind a plant that Peggy was hiding in and a curtain, you find the secret doorway.

That's very subtle, but all you have to do is press in and slide, and you go in. I will press it open, and I'll say, "Bitsy, you go first. If anyone sees us, you'll be holding a clipboard. They think we're supposed to be there." "You're doing it, Paul. You're believing." And I run through. I'll walk very unofficially behind. Yeah, you do that. Bitsy's now-- Government business. It's extremely dark as it closes behind you. All of the noise and Booker's music and all of that is drowned out.

And it's incredibly dark, and this, it's almost labyrinthian, this network of tunnels and hallways. Bitsy, I need you to make an intelligence check at disadvantage to see if you can lead everyone. Okay. An intelligence check at disadvantage? Yes. Can I help lead with and to counter it out? Yeah, we'll counter it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Since I have the map. I'll have to roll again. I'll roll this tiny one. While you guys are rolling, you hear from the front of the house from the piano, uh,

Uptown squirrel, she's been living in a white oak world. I bet she's never seen a muck bed guy. I bet her mama never told her why. I'm gonna try. And I just keep going. Woo! You were on a shit. I give it 16. 16. You actually look with, you look at the schematics, and it looks to be the super secret, like,

VIP area that you're headed to. It seems to be like a VIP lounge, and there's actually an unmarked chamber beneath the VIP green room. Is that where you're heading? If I'm being told that there's an unmarked secret underground anything-- It looks very secret, let's go there! I love secrets, follow me!

"It's dark in here, shit!" And I start to scurry down the hallways, listening to Grumly's lefts, rights, downs, throughs, and we continue to make our way towards-- Is it actually dark in here? It's very dark. I'm gonna go ahead and cast a spell. And I'm gonna cause some light, and I'm gonna take out three candles, and I'm gonna light them on fire and put them on the brim of my hat. Nice. Do you like the way they dance? Wow. The magical dancing lights.

How did you light those? With magic. Whoa! I say, what are we doing down here? You, Bitsy, and Grumly lead you as you see the green room that it's all very dark.

Except for Peggy's candle is flickering and you see that there is plush furniture. Here definitely are the remnants of the drug that you've been looking for. As you see that the, you find the schematic, and it's very, very, very subtle, that you actually have to move a painting off the wall, a full body painting that is above a mirror.

and you move it aside and you open it and you take the stairs down, it's incredibly dark, as you close the door behind you. As you make your way down, you see this faint light down at the end of the staircase. As you hear, very faintly, sounds like there's voices.

Be real quiet. I'm just going to sneak ahead and see what's going on. Okay, okay. Stay right here. Be very quiet. Make a stealth check, Grumly at his advantage. I'm twisting. Betsy, you too. Thirteen. Yeah, thirteen. Thirteen. Oh. Was that a nine? That was a nine. That was a nine. Sorry, sixteen. Oh. Oh, wow.

What are you? I'm a monk. I love that show. It's a jungle out there. It really is. That's very funny.

You creep down and you see the flickering light glowing a strange color as you suddenly you peer down and you're very sneaky and you don't even the floor does not creak until you finally make your landing you peer into the room and what you expect what you expect to see is not at all what you see.

you see a circle of hooded figures with candles black as night, lit and flickering all around the statue, all around this dark statue of a horrific fish-like abomination. As you hear, "Fumgui Mugla Nighty Royer Mugla Futagan," and that's where we'll end the session. - No way!

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