Uprooted | S2E2 | Jailhouse Rooster
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Booker and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time.

Wow. What a crazy two weeks that was. I know! It's been like two Thursdays since the universe was created. Things are getting weird! We could have an entire crew of sexual deviants if someone would just go down and deal with this. None of that seems even remotely like a good thing! I failed to be a chef. I also failed to be a violent revolutionary! You could succeed-- And that's the easiest job on the planet!

He calls out an unregistered ship here in Muckbeck Creek. Do we have permission to board? Come right aboard. You're not going to like what you find below deck, that's for sure. Yeah, just watch. Make sure you're wearing shoes. The Osprey kind of leans down and narrows his eyes and he reaches down into his coat and pulls out what looks like a poster.

Seize them. You are harboring the leader of the Woodland Alliance. Arrest them! Arrest them! Oh, no! By the right of the Dimwood, we are at least owed an attorney to handle our case. Y'all are being charged with murder, conspiracy. Attempted murder. Attempted. Oh.

Attempted. Yeah. Attempted murder. Allegedly. Conspiracy. Harboring terrorism. We weren't harboring anything. Harboring a wanted person. We weren't harboring anything. You will be standing trial before the judge after questioning. And because we are...

forward-thinking people in the Erie you will be provided with a lawyer the best defense lawyer we have he's good he's an old rooster fella by the name of Jean-Claude Chanticleer

You are in the jail. It's just the four of you still. It's been another several hours after the guard had left and said that basically your lawyer would be in to consult you ahead of your trial the next day. And you...

are alone. Several, you perhaps had waited as several people had been brought, one for petty thievery and one for just being for public drunkenness. They spent maybe 30 minutes in your cell with you before being brought out. And that's where you find yourselves. What do you all do as you await your lawyer?

Oh God, I can't believe we got arrested. We didn't even get to set foot on land before we got arrested. We got arrested on the boat. This feels... Covered in sticky pervert juice. This feels very unfair. We didn't do anything, really. You tried to murder someone. It was a hug. I tried to... He looked lonely or cold or whatever. That's why I'm sticking to my story, all right? Peggy, why can't you believe it?

I don't know. You'd think by now I'd expect it, but I at least hoped we'd get a foot on land first. I mean, Booker tried to murder a guy. It wasn't murder. What? I didn't try to murder him. Well, you didn't try very hard, clearly. I tried really to curse this tiny pass. Chill time is slow time. LAUGHTER

As long as they can take my banjo from me, I would absolutely be playing a beautifully haunting wistful tune as we are stuck in the jail. And because in real life I haven't been home in three days, I didn't bring the banjo for the perfect moment, even though I saved it from last week. For a big reveal this week, you have to imagine that I'm playing an amazingly haunting wistful tune. It was better for you that they took it from you. They can't. It's gone.

I don't care. No, I'm sitting there in the, like, picking in the air, and I'm like, ah, I miss my banjo. The tune that I would play would be so full and beautiful. Oh, and full of regret, probably, right? Oh, no regret. My only regret is that he didn't feel the love in the hug that I tried to give him. Did you hear how he said, good lawyer?

I hate to break it to you, especially you, Grumly. I don't think we're getting a good lawyer. I think we're getting the worst lawyer they've got. What? No, he just said that we were going to get a really good lawyer. He was a little sarcastic. You know how sometimes someone says something, but then they chuckle afterwards to themselves like it was funny, but no one else got the joke? Yeah, Booker does that all the time. Yeah, that's sarcasm. Yeah. Yep, that's exactly how I would have said it if I was setting up for a fall. Oh...

So we're not gonna get a good lawyer. I think we're gonna have to represent ourselves. Or we're gonna rot in this jail cell. And I vote Booker represents us. I don't really have any experience with the law other than spending a few nights in the drunk tank. Does anyone else? Bitsy, you ever been in prison before?

There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then. Young stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I don't want to alarm anybody, but I think he's doing a Shawshank Redemption thing. Just let it go. Let it go. Shawshank what? It's a whole thing. I'll tell you about it later. It's a major image. You might not have seen it.

Yeah, so my vote's still on Booker being the one. I mean, well, obviously we'll give the person a chance, right? But if they're no good, we can't trust our lives to just... So I'm the backup attorney? You try to snap the guy's neck. They might take that into consideration, and not in a good way. But you're going to stick with the hug story? Absolutely. I might even throw in a case for insanity. What's a major image? For you or for all of us? I'll start with me, and we'll see how it goes. For her? Easy.

For you, actually probably pretty easy too, especially if we go back to the Molotov cocktail thing. I could put my clown mask on. That might help. Save it, save it. Big reveal at the end. They didn't take it, did they? And I pat myself looking for the clown mask. You've stored it safely.

It stinks a little. It's a little stinky. It smells like my under form. It's made like rubber. It's made of rubber. It's a rubber. Gross. Anyway, they say that the man who represents himself has a fool for a client, but

You know, I'm feeling pretty good about this. Well, now, look, I don't mean for this to sound offensive or that I don't have faith in you. Okay. But I feel like a sarcasm good lawyer is probably still better than you. Oh, I don't disagree with you. I don't disagree with you. That's why I'm the backup plan. You're a very, very smart raccoon.

Thank you. You're incredibly clever. That's very kind of you to say, Peggy. Well, you're welcome. It's true. You've gotten us out of a lot of sticky situations, most of them self-inflicted. And so because of that, I have no doubt that this sticky, self-inflicted situation we found ourselves in, you could get us out of it.

All right. I'll start thinking of... I'll start coming up with a plan. If anybody thinks of questions that they might throw at us, just hurl them at Booker. All right. And see if he can answer them quick, quick as can be. Are we going to die? Banana hammock. What? I was ready. I was ready. Banana hammock? That's right. Why don't you think on that for a little bit? Is that a hammock made of bananas or a hammock full of bananas? Objection!

Oh, that was pretty convincing, Booker. No, no, I do. I like where this is going. You're trying to confuse them, keep them on their toes. I'm thirsty. I'm going to step through the bars, go get a drink, and then come back inside through the bars.

Oh, could you get me one? Wait. Sure, just one minute. I'll put this down. Can you get me one, too? Okay. Actually, I'll just come with you, and I'm going to follow her through the bar. If you're going, I'll take one, too. All right, here's one for you. As you do it, you realize that Bitsy has scooped up some filthy toilet wine. And it's stopped in the bar. No, no, no. It's called Sangria. Stop.

It's

It's red, but there's definitely some scrubbing bubbles and lemon pledge in it and other unmentionables. There's a little blue puck in mine. There's a strange rainbow film on the top. Gross. It's like an oil slick. This needs more time. This tastes fresh. Why are these hairs so curly?

Why did you give me a cup called Squatty Potty? I didn't mean to. That was the cup that was, I don't know. She's getting all too scared. Ha ha. Well, you know, it's been fun.

It's been real fun. If this is it, if this is the end, if we spend the remainder of our years here in the dim woods locked up in a dingy old cell, I'm glad it's with the three of you. We can work out. We can get real strong. We can get tattoos. That's right. We can make people our bitches. I don't know how I feel about that, but you know what? Open mind. Optimism. You want your ass. I'm not getting a couple of bitches.

I like your moxie today, Bitsy. Thank you. I like to keep it short in the summer. Have you been to prison before? No. You're just weirdly good at this.

You know what? For us out of places, everything's been ever since we met you. This is the most seamless we've ever seen. It's very bizarre. You feel at home. I don't know. It's cozy, I guess. You're just exuding confidence. It's amazing, quite honestly. It suits you. Thank you.

Alright, so we got our lawyer and worst case scenario we just unleash Vincy on them. That could be our third backup plan. Lawyer one, lawyer two, maniac plan. So in the meantime I guess we just wait. They're just gonna send this lawyer to us? That's what it certainly sounded like.

You know, they might make us wait for weeks. Do we even know how long we're going to have until our trial? No. No. They could be cruel, sadistic people and make us wait it out. We don't deserve an answer. What? We're criminals. We're not criminals. We didn't even do anything. We broke the law. We didn't.

We harbored a criminal, a fanatical revolutionary, and Booker tried to kill a guy. It was a hug. How many times do I have to say it? It looked more like a hug. Thank you.

Were you trying to kill that guy? No. Yes, he was. Oh, it's plain for all to see. It was, oh, God, you tried to kill that guy. I panicked a little bit. I panicked a little. What if you had killed that guy and there were like four other guys and they all had crossbows? If I had killed him, I'd have gone on to the next one. If that's what I had been trying to do, which I wasn't. I think that would have worked because seeing that one guy killed beneath your bare hands, the rest of them would have been shocked into death.

Stunned. They would have broken like wet toilet paper. You could have just leapt from one to the next. That's right. And it's the moment that Gromley smelled blood. He would have been all over him like a hobo on a ham sandwich. That's a lot. I could really go for a ham sandwich right now. Yeah, me too. You guys want ham sandwiches? I didn't mean to. I stepped through the bars.

Oh! What a horrible idea. No, I figured there's not a chance in hell I'm eating this. No, it's a perfect ham sandwich in wax paper. It's all folded up and nice. No, they're actually bright pink pucks that each say "Splash Hog" on them. Nope, not "Splash Hog." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on Gloop. You know what they say. That's right. Is he in this universe? Shit. Didn't we meet a guy named Splash Hog once?

Oh, is that that biker? Yeah, at that biker bar that we played at. Remember that? I do remember that. That was a long... Well, you weren't there. Yeah, I gave him the best night of his life. Oh, is that where you went? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Everyone there knows why they call me Peggy. Why do they call you Peggy? You could ask Kim, if we ever see him again, of course. Well, I hope we do. Oh, me too.

I don't think this is a ham sandwich. Oh no, that's a splash hog. They put those in urinals. You can have this bag. Thank you. And I don't think that was water earlier. At this moment, the door opens and you see a shape come through as in walks a rooster. A tall tail coming out from an overly baggy suit. A little bit too baggy. It's ill-fitting.

as he steps in carrying a briefcase that looks a little ratty, as he's got a proud crown atop his head, or whatever they call that. What do they call that? A crest? A crest? Yeah. Whatever rooster has atop of his head. We'll look it up. As he looks at you through the bars as he steps forward and he says, I'll say, I'll say, look who it is. Is he outside the cell? Oh yeah, he's outside the tent.

He's in the hallway. I start to step out from behind him, and I realize he's outside the cell, so I take a step back. Well, how do you do, my new clients? My name is Jean-Claude Chanticleer, attorney at law. I am certainly a lawyer. I pass the bar. Well, hi. Well, I ain't never been an accountant, you hear me? What? Accountant? Who said accountant? You said accountant.

Well, I will be a lawyer here. Let's see what you've done. One second, here I have my notes. I have a quick question for you, if you don't mind. Oh gosh darn, darling. Let me see here. I seem to have dropped my papers here. Hold on. And he's like rushing this all everywhere. He's a shovel. Are you a good lawyer? I looked at the rest of the crew. This guy's a mess. Well, he said he wasn't an accountant. That means he sucks blood.

Yeah, where did that come from? That seemed like out of nowhere. Yeah, I'm glad he confirmed it, though. You never know. What a strange thing to bring up. He leans forward. I know I do. And he gets his papers and he takes his comb and he kind of dabs some sweat off his brow. Oh, I do believe it's a little balmy here. Anyone else feeling a little damp? Sir, I don't mean to be rude, but why are you so sweaty?

Well, it is this far south. It is a dam for an avian of my constitution, you understand, you understand? And so I see here-- Uh-huh. Oh. Are you-- Oh, this is not good indeed. No, absolutely not. Uh-oh, we know it's not good. Oh, what does it say? Just tell us straight out. What are they charging us with?

Oh, your case is to be heard by Judge Bloufsh. That is not good. What name, Judge Bloufsh? Judge Bloufsh, yes, yes. Bloufsh? Bloufsh, yes. Bloufsh. Can we get the spelling of that? Is there any way that you could help us out a little? Yes, he is a very respected owl judge. It's B-L-O-W-F-I-S-H.

The honorable Hootie N.T. Blouch. F-S-T-H. You absolute madman. You're absolutely a madman. That is just... Oh, man. Hey, boomers. Oh, that's bad.

That's, that's meaning that's not good? Oh, no, no, no. I am a respectable lawyer. My name is Jean-Claude Chanticleer, attorney at law. Sir, I don't mean to be rude. I went to law school. You seem a little nervous. Are you all right? I am fine. Is this your first case after law school? Oh, I have, I have been a part of many cases. Dozens of cases. What kind? Perhaps hundreds. What kind of cases? What do you mean, perhaps? Yeah.

Either was or isn't. It is or isn't. Well, you might not remember. I mean, many civil cases, and perhaps criminal. Perhaps. Not civil? Why does he keep saying perhaps? Civil and criminal. What was your favorite case you ever participated in? Oh, well, you see, I love, oh, it was a terrible divorce.

Wait, so you made the voice for-- Oh no! Oh, it was the custody battle was bloody and brutal. Oh gosh, come on. But there were many twists and turns, and when I called a special witness, and all of the mistresses came out, there was a line around the courthouse.

Of mistresses? Oh, yes. That's at least what I told the judge. There's so many mistresses. There's a lot of mistresses. Well, what did the judge say? In fact, in reality, I had just gone down to the local gentleman's club and offered a...

A bottle of fine spirits to anyone who stood in line and lied. That doesn't seem legal. Are you going to do that for us? Well, who knows law better than I do, young man? Why are you yelling? You or Jean-Claude Chanticleer, that is my name, that is certainly my name. Why is he yelling? He seems really confident. He seems kind of like a good lawyer, though. Don't you worry. I...

I'm a wonderful lawyer. Try to argue with him and test him out. Oh, good idea. I hate to be that person, but you're holding up those sheets of paper. They don't have any writing on them. Oh, hold on. Not these, not these. Of course not these. What are the charges? Don't you fret. I have experience in criminal law. I have gotten a murderer or two off of Scott Free. Oh, really? Yes. Did they do it?

Well, I'm less open to interpretation and opinion. What about alleged attempt-- But I know that the Blue Jay Simpson thanked me quite handsomely for my services. What about alleged attempted murder? Oh, legend. That one might have misconstrued, for they thought it wasn't a hug when it was. Alleged? Well, alleged. Attempted.

Well, attempt, oh, attempted. Alleged attempted. Let's see, let me see. Both alleged and attempted. Let me see the facts here, let me see the facts. The young man that you had attempted to murder gave a very harrowing testimony. Let me see here. Oh, I suppose you do have very small hands. Is that written there? Is that bad? Are we gonna die?

I suppose, is it true that you don't work out that much? That's very true. Okay, well, he's the boys and lion. Oh, it says here that you were shouting obscenities and violent revolutionary Frederick. No, I wasn't.

Oh, well, okay, we can use that. I'm trying to get him to argue with me. He's not arguing. You didn't say fuck a lot. Did I? I thought so. I'm going to be honest, I blacked out a little bit. That was Nestor, remember? Oh, fuck.

He was screaming as he dragged him away. I didn't think that was me. Oh, you mean the leader of the rebellion? Oh, now he has a trial that I do not think he can come walk away from. What are the chances that we can basically trade him for our freedom and get off scot-free? We already tried to do that, didn't we? Well, we could try again. We have an attorney now. But they already have him, so how do we trade him?

I don't know, we make up some secrets and we just, we make stuff up. This guy lies all the time, apparently. Apparently that's a fair game. Is that just how it's going to whiff? Lying is my profession. That is what they, that's why they say that we put the lie in lawyer. Whoa, is that? Huh?

That's very clever. Yes, it is. I'm convinced, frankly. I think we got a pretty good job. Yeah, I think he's kind of a good lawyer. And he's going to get us some water. Okay, what's your alibi? Okay, hold on. First things first. I'm going to be your lawyer. You need to labor with me. He walks away, and you hear, and he drags like a metal chair. And

Oh god! I think it's still up! Pick it up! Just pick it up! Just pick up the chair! It's not that heavy, it can't be that heavy! Okay, let me take off this jacket, I am a little damp. He takes off his jacket and slings it over the chair. He looks real big. He loosens his tie and he sits around backwards. Now I'm not one of them stuffy old regular lawyers, I'm a cool lawyer. You keep mentioning that you're a lawyer.

Yes, that's me. I went to law school. I even passed the bar. How'd you do that? Well, there was a place down the road, you see, called the Sandbar Great Karaoke, if you have the time. If you're on the counter, in case y'all don't get executed. Wait a minute. And I thought to myself, I might stop in and quit my whistle. Isn't the Sandbar a tiki joint?

Why, yes it is. What does that have to do with being an attorney? Well, I said it might be nice to have a tall painkiller on account of the deep pain that wracks me every day. And I decided, no, that's not what a lawyer would do. And I walked right on by. I passed that law. I passed that sandbar.

Oh, that checks out. That sounds good. He passed the bar. I mean, that stands to reason. What else could it possibly mean? I mean, I don't know about lawyer things, but if you're supposed to pass a bar to be a lawyer, it checks out to me. You passed the whole thing? That sounds good. Oh, that is indeed true. You see here. That one still doesn't have any writing on it. Did you say we were going to get executed?

Oh, yeah. Wait, what? Wait, what? What? What? Oh, now, now. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, no. I may have. We're going to get executed. I may have. I said in case you don't. That is only a possibility. If you, with me representing you. No, maybe Booker, right? Booker is the executioner. There is a lower chance. There is a less chance than you're expecting of being executed.

It's gonna be okay. You only have to wear like a tie. I don't want to be executed. I'm not done yet. I have a lot of things I have to do. It'll be alright and then we can go to the tiki bar. Not if I get executed. No, it'll be fine. You wear a suit and a tie. You tell people to boss them around and then you'll be fine. I don't think it... No, no, no. I'm gonna be dead if they execute me, Bitsy. No, don't be dramatic. That's silly. Oh boy. Well, you know what? I may have...

Uh, hmm. I have had clients that have been accused and convicted of crimes punishable by death. And were they executed? Well, we appeal to the judge for a, for mercy, you see? Uh-huh.

And so they just killed him quicker than they would have otherwise. What about a plea for that I wasn't in my right mind at the time? Oh, the old insanity plea. Yeah, I can act a little crazy if I need to. How crazy can you be, boy? I mean, how much we talking here? I can really lay it on thick. Let me see an example. Right now, right here, boy. What's your name? My name? Well,

Would it help if I lied about that? Well, what kind of, where are you from, boy? What kind of name is Booker? It's Booker, all right? Booker? Why does it have two Bs, or two Os, man? What do you mean? That's how you spell it. Booker. Booker. No, it's like book, like Booker. I'm from Muckbet. I'm from here, all right? Is that your real name? All right. Yeah, Booker. Yeah, that's my name. Hold on. Okay, are you ready?

I was gonna say you're only gonna get this once, but if this is the angle we're going, I'm probably gonna have to do this a lot. Where you from, grumpy? Oh my god! You have it! You have it! Oh no! How's that? I didn't even get the whole performance check. This is insanity! This is kangaroo court! I won't stand for this!

All I know is I've seen crazier folks after closing time at the gentleman's club. That's true. What, am I supposed to take my pants off? What do you want from me? I mean, it's always worked for me. I don't have any pants. Well, are you actually crazy or were you... I was just lying. Well, now I feel like I'm going crazy. I just... Um, well...

So, are we gonna be executed? Yeah, you might be. And immediately you hear the door slam open into the hallway as a voice shouts in.

I say, I say, I say, objection! I object to you, you no good, you low-living, actual John Claude, you too calm and flim-flam. How did you escape that lavatory I locked you in, yet again? Well, it was easy, you dumb bastard, you didn't lock the door.

The last time I saw you, you were falling to your death. Oh, so I hoped. My identity theft foiled again. Well, allow me to offer you a peace offering and we can depart amicably. Let me just enter my briefcase. Briefcase in! I will throw a briefcase in at you and woo!

As he scampers out the other side of the door and slams the door as you see another rooster lawyer in front of you. What the hell is going on here? And that's where we'll take a break.

- Holy shit, gotta give it up. - Oh man. - I've gotta say something. My favorite part of that whole thing was looking over at Mace and watching him dying, trying not to make any noise. - I was pretty okay for a lot of it. And then you got to the sangria bit. I almost passed out. I almost passed out in the chair over there. Oh my gosh, it was close.

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Before you now stands a lawyer, a chicken, a rooster lawyer who looks similar as if he could be related to the lawyer he just chased out. But legally distinct. But definitely distinct. What does Jean-Claude Chanticleer look like, Mace?

I think exactly as you described Jean-Luc Chanticleer. Okay. Tall, a reddish plume. Flesh plume. No, that's the giblets. Well... Yeah. That's the lower flesh plume. Yeah, the cone. Oh, it is called a cone. Apparently. Very cool. A slightly more fitted off-white suit, but still not quite correct. Does it have pinstripes?

Yes, it is kind of like a seersucker. What color feathers do you have?

I would say-- I was going clear. What? Yeah. I was going clear. Yeah, it's hard to tell through all the sweat and panic. Yeah. And I've broken out of a holding cell from my brother's imprisonment. You need a toilet. Yeah. So what you all have seen as this other chicken lawyer is wiping the briefcase-- Oh, that no good flim flam! The briefcase-- you've seen this happen.

I'm gonna run up to the barge. Hey! Hey! I don't know what's going on here. Oh, dirty snake! Just let me out and I'll take care of him. I promise I can do it. Ignore my tiny raccoon hands. I can do it. No, no, I can't let you out of prison. I'm here to get you out the right way. Now listen, I don't know yet what you've done, but from the looks of you, it's maybe murdering, some thieving.

and perversions of the highest order. But I can tell you right now that that man that was in here is guilty of a much worse crime than even that. What's that?

Tax accountant. He was a vampire! I knew it! Exactly right! We thought it was weird that he was bringing up being an accountant all those times, and then he kept talking about how he wasn't an accountant, and that he was a lawyer and an attorney, and he kept talking about passing the bar. It's very weird. It's very strange. If we find him, we're going to have to find him in his lair and drive a stake through his crotch. What? That's how you kill accountants.

I suppose that would do the trick. It has to be that way? It has to be the crotch, yeah. Is there a reason it's got to be the crotch? Is there like something in the groinal area that's necessary for a accountant? I don't know the law. I just know how it works. Are you referencing our 2023 Gen Con live show?

Maybe. Well, now, hold on. Don't go admitting to any planings of murdering in here. They record all the conversations. Oh, they record them? Well, I think so. What does that mean, record? Anything, if you've admitted to a crime while you're in here, they can, in fact, use that against you in a court of law. You see, actually, up in the corner, hanging from the ceiling, is a small officer that's a bat. And he's like, this is fucked.

Fucked up shit. Oh my god. Oh no. Oh no. We've made a Greek-ness mistake. His name is Sneed. I can't keep up. Okay, all right. We need to take several steps back. First off, we didn't do anything. This is all a giant misunderstanding. Secondly, if I have to plead insanity, I'm willing to do it. I put on a wonderful performance and that chuckle fuck over there told me that he wasn't impressed. Let me see your best performance.

Uh-oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Well, listen here. He doesn't know the first thing about lawyering, and I haven't formally introduced myself. Jean-Claude Chanticleer, lawyer at law. Wait, what? You're also Jean-Claude Chanticleer? No, sir, I'm the only one.

John Claude Chanticleer. Well, then what was that guy's name? That was my dirty, no good, low life living trickster doing some other kind of crazy stuff. A flim flammer. A dirty thief. A no good rotten scoundrel. That was my brother, Jean-Luc Chanticleer. We are in fact related. Jean-Claude. Jean-Luc Chanticleer.

Your parents were very creative. Well, it's been said before. They were artists, the doable. Are you guys brothers or twins? Well, it's hard to tell us apart, but in fact, we are twins, yes, and that's the reason it's hard to tell us apart. Are you fraternal or the other one? Fraternal, but we look exactly alike.

Yep. Is that what the doctors told you? Yes, it was at the time. And nobody's come forth with any compelling scientific evidence to prove different. Have you ever had your genetics tested? Genetics tested? No. Exactly the same?

No, no, no. The second you get your genetics tested, they have that evidence on you for the rest of your life. Oh, no! Then suddenly, suddenly you commit the smallest single crime. What have I done, says Grumlin? He knows what he's talking about. Since you are representing us, I feel it's only fair to let you know that we've left our DNA everywhere. I mean, extensive amounts of DNA just everywhere.

All over the tip point. You have? What the fuck? Why would you do that? Oh, you did it too. No, I didn't. Oh, you did. I was very careful, Gattaca style. Don't know what that means. What? Is that sangria you're drinking there? Yeah, it's a little fresh. You want some? I haven't touched the stuff since that party at Blue Jays. Oh, really? You want a ham sandwich?

No, I'm good, I'm good. A nightmare. I'll just carry on, I say, I say. Are you gonna give us water like your brother was gonna give us water? No, why don't we go over the list of your supposed crimes? Why don't we start there? That's probably for the best. Allegedly, I'm being charged with attempted murder, but really, it was just a hug. I tried to hug the guy. Well,

Well, that's good. I mean, you'll do well on the stand. Never admit to a crime. We can probably get you off with that. Now, let me hear you say that you didn't commit a crime. Well, I didn't commit any crimes. It was Booker. I didn't commit any crimes. Each one, he tried to kill a guy. Is that a crime? Alleged or otherwise. No, no, I didn't try to kill anyone. I didn't.

Well, why did you turn his head to the left really fast? It was a hug. It was a hug. I'm standing by that. Am I doing all right? Is there a better story? Help me out here. You're supposed to be representing us. I'm flabbergasted. You tell me what your take on what happened was. Well, that's the weirdest hug I've ever done, see? It's crazy. We can give hugs like that? Yes.

Pretty good so far. I thought he was trying to break that guy's neck, but he didn't push up into the right hard enough. Cash, my little paws. Well, to be fair, there were a lot of perverts beneath the deck. It smelled very funny and I was disoriented.

Okay, you can go on the stand and you can go on the stand. You two can't go anywhere near the stand. You're solid as rock. I don't understand a damn word you say and that's gonna work best for us. Would it help if I put my clown mask on and took my clothes off before I got on the stand?

My nips are quite perky. I don't know what the hell my brother, my rap scallion of a brother said, but he doesn't know the first thing about lawyering. But I can tell you this. I need to find the closest gentleman's club, and I need $100. Dollars? Or dimwood bucks. This guy's insane. Dimwood bucks? Genetic testing, recording, dollars? What is happening?

Doesn't he know the deer are long dead? He doesn't know what Buck's left in the dim wood. It's crazy. Wow. Mr. Chanticleer, I want to assure you, Peggy and I are unbreakable.

Son, I'm going to tell you right now, they're going to put this guy up on the stand. They're going to rattle him like a cage. And then they're going to put this one on the stand, and it's going to get even worse. It's going to melt like a puddle of ice cream in a hot July. Hot equipment in July. What's July? You're just, you know her. Why? Why? You're going to look like a dropped ice cream cone on a dim wood sidewalk. I can handle it. How can I do it? Sunny equipment in July. Get me up there.

- I'll be fine. - No, you're not gonna be fine. - I don't come back from that. - Son, do you wanna get out of this? - Yes, yes I do. - Okay, well then we need lots of people who can lie for us. - Who is this Scott Free? - Have you seen Ant-Man? - What has your brother's boyfriend got to do with this? I don't understand.

How did you know about Remi-Lade Lebleu? No, I thought his boyfriend's name was Scott Freeze! No! It's Remi-Lade Lebleu! There it is. There it is. That's very funny. Oh, that's very funny.

Oh, God. I'm not going to survive this. Mr. Sean, climb and level it. We don't have any money. We can't hire these, the people you're looking for at a gentleman's club to lie for us. Well, I say, I say, I say, I suppose we can throw ourselves on the mercy of the court. Oh, no. Could we try the insanity thing?

I'm gonna live with it, it's just not gonna work. The performance was terrible. That's not fair at all. I could bite Gromley if that'll help, draw some real blood. Well, if you can prove you're a danger to others and yourself, they might just keep you in prison forever and not execute you. I don't want to be in prison forever. How do we... How are...

Alright, let me take some time with the evidence as it stands. We'll see what we can do here. I don't want to tell you how to do your job. We got a lot of half-baked plans here. We need to pick a direction and go. Okay. Well, I'll see.

Don't you worry, Boo-kay. It's a hookah. It's a hookah. We'll get you out of here, all right? Boo-kay. Can no one tell you what to eat? What is it you need us to do, all right? Like, can you just, can you tell us what, I mean, outside of giving you a hundred something or other so you can get some hookahs, what is it that you need for us to do? Well, just, you know, people with jobs. What do you need? Looking for work on the side, I mean. Why do you need people with jobs? Well.

What, you judging us because we don't have any real jobs? You don't have any jobs!

Well, we're kind of... We're between work at the moment. We're wanderers. We like to, you know... We're free-spirited. Yeah, we go where the music takes us. You're transient. Speaking of which, have you seen my banjo? Is there any chance of me getting that back? Oh, I could probably locate that for you. That'd be wonderful. Okay, yeah, we'll work on that. But in the meantime, you were saying you're transient, so you just showed up in the town and immediately tried to murder the guards? No, it's all a whole misunderstanding. It's not true!

Does it help us in any way if we hadn't touched land yet? That's right! We were essentially in international waters. Maritime salvage laws and all that. A loophole! We even claimed maritime law. Was there a captain on the ship? There was, yeah. What was her name? Should we give you the real name or make one up?

Well, it's not me. Why would you need to make one up? He's not some kind of untrustworthy criminal. He might be a wanted criminal.

War criminal? What is he? Violent revolutionary is what I believe they said. But the thing is, he was the captain. We were just trying to get off the ship as soon as we can. He had us held hostage with a bunch of perverts. Did we even give them permission to come on a boat? It wasn't our boat. It was his boat. How many guards did you say you encountered?

Oh, I don't know, eight to 12 maybe? Well, at least three or four. Oh, is it three? I think it was three or four. Three or four. As if it's three. Wait. There are four of you. And by maritime law and the laws of everyone else.

If there are more people who say you didn't do it than there are that say you did do it, you just get off. Wait a minute. Is the law that easy? It's just a vote. I would like to try to remember how many guards were at this incident to the best of my ability. It's like 12. That's what I thought. I think real hard. You know what? I think you're right.

We outnumbered them. Especially when you count those perverts. Oh, the perverts. Where did they get off to? I think they're still getting off. That brother found John Lee. It's called disembarking, Peggy. Disembarking. What? No, docking. No.

Oh, oh yeah. It says the reason. Well, listen, there were only three of them. I say, I think we can do a game of he said, he said. Look, I never would have. We can get you off. It had to be three because I never would have attempted what I had attempted if there were like 12 of them. That'd be insane. That'd be crazy. No one would do that. So wait, I'm confused. Are you saying if we just get them all off?

- Then we get off? - No, we have to get him off by lying as long as every single person here will play their part in getting him off. - Wait, is he the only one staying in trial? The rest of us stay in trial? - I thought I was gonna, I don't have to get off?

We're gonna pin it all on Booker. Oh, what? No, hear me out. How many times do I have to get off? Well, it was on Booker. I mean, in fantasy. Well, you can't put everybody on the stand, all right? He's gonna take the rap for everything. And then once you go in... I like this plan at all. I'm gonna stand up and I'm gonna say, objection! You can't find him guilty because three additional people said he didn't do it.

That's a great idea! I know. That's fantastic. That is because I passed the bar. When do I get off? Well, let me see when the trial is. When's the trial? Tomorrow. You'll get off half past tomorrow. Half past tomorrow. Okay. Are we talking noon 30 then? Probably somewhere around noon 30. What else do we need to know? What do we have to do? What do I have to prepare to get off?

Can you cry on command? Maybe. Yeah, I- I- absolutely. Work, JV. If you can work up, kind of, you know, I'll just go in and say, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, these heinous and hideous ne'er-do-wells lying against this upstanding citizen Booker- Is that necessary? Do you really have to call us ugly?

I'm talking about the people who witnessed your friendly hug on the shores. Well, hold on to that interview. Hold on to it. These heinous and hideous liars and ne'er-do-wells who claimed, falsely I might add, to have seen you attempted murder. And we know, well, allegedly attempted murder. And we know that that is in fact not the case. And how do we know?

Because these three say so. That's right. Exactly right, Your Honor. And with that presented in front of you, irrefutable evidence of Booker's innocence. You have no choice but to set him free. If it's tomorrow, you've got to leave. That was beautiful. Wow, that was so good. If it's tomorrow, you've got time to round up the perverts. That's even more people that are on our side.

Yeah, you'll just have to give me a detailed description of them and I think I can round them all up. I mean, they're perverts. What more do you need? Yeah, right, that's all I need. I can find them. So, let's just say, theoretically, he doesn't get off tomorrow. Is he gonna be executed? Oh, almost certainly. Oh! Yeah, I see. But then we're gonna go to the tiki bar. Well, that would be the next logical step. Once we pin it all on him, you'll have to go free by proxy.

Oh, wait, if he gets executed, do we get executed? Well, no, no, no, no, because we're pinning everything on Booker, so we're not going to be on trial anymore. The three of us will be just in... That doesn't seem fair. Is it that easy? That would be triple jeopardy. They can't execute us for stuff that he did. Wait, so we're going to say he did it, and then say he didn't do it? That's exactly right. I'm glad you've been paying attention. Wait, that's our plan? Yeah.

I mean, have you ever had to defend somebody in the court of law? My business could be a lawyer. His job. He is a good lawyer. Oh, he wasn't sarcastic at all. I'm convinced. Yeah? Do you mind? Under your waddle, there's a hair here. Oh, not at all. Thank you. I've been staring at that for the last 20 minutes. Oh, a chicken with hair? That's disgusting. Oh, I don't think it was his. Yeah, you're a little bit of a freak.

That's very funny. All right, well, you know what? I can't argue with this plan. He knows what he's doing. It all checks out. This is it. And I don't know if this will help you at all, but I created magic. He also created the universe. A couple of Thursdays ago...

Well, what in the heck do you need a lawyer for? Can't you just get him off yourself? I've tried a couple of times, but he just takes so long. That's why I wasn't sure it was going to be like, you know, like six people, 12, it's a line of them, you know, how many times, refractive period, all that good stuff. Refractive period.

Oh, I see. I see, I see. Oh, my. Oh, my. Mr. Chardonnay. Do we need a couple of code words? Like, code words. Like, one for me to know that I gotta cry. One for me to know that I have to go crazy. One to know that I'm gonna get off.

I think that's exactly right. What would you spawn well to for the tears piece? I think the question is, we've asked about the crying. We know that you can go rabid on Q. Can you get off on Q?

He doesn't have to worry about getting off on cue. That's my job. That's Mr. Santa Claus' job. He's going to get up on the stand. I'm going to stand up. I'm going to wave my arms around in a dramatic fashion. And he's going to get off faster than anybody you've ever seen. You might have created magic, but he's a wizard at getting people off. I say, I say, I say, the man speaks truth.

Are you getting all this, you pervert bat? Oh yeah, what do we do about that guy? Oh. Is our plan ruined? Oh no. What you writing? What you writing, you winged freak? What you writing? Winged. Winged. Winged. Winged.

We actually don't have to worry about that. I don't know why they still do this. Because Mads can't spell. He's just riding squiggles on that paper over there. Wait, they can't spell? I thought they didn't have good eyesight. No, they can't do either one. I mean, that's maybe why he can't, you know. Who knows exactly what? I guarantee if he turns that paper around right now, that's just squiggles. Hey, turn that paper around. Let me see that paper. Maybe a doodle or something. She says aggressively.

Tell him stop writing. He's not listening. Tell him stop writing. Stop writing! He's whispering. I think the problem is, and apparently you don't know this because you didn't create the movie, we have to communicate via echo location, so we just gotta echo. We gotta echo at him. So Bitsy has to say stop writing and then each of us has to say it. Stop writing! Stop writing! Stop writing! Stop writing! Stop writing! Stop writing! Stop writing! Stop writing! Stop writing!

Various interjections. Unintelligible. I think it works.

All right, well, don't you worry about that, Bat. I'm convinced that that's not an issue. All right, we're trusting you. I have one backup plan. I believe the things that you're saying. I feel convinced by you, so you liar-ing really well. Backup plans are good. We could consider that. Exactly right. Now, I don't think I'll need it, because Boucair here seems like he's solid as a rock. But in the event that he gets quaky, the backup is, of course,

Classic lawyer tactic. Have leverage on the jury. What? Have leverage on jury? Exactly right. How you gonna do that? You usually pull the rods in them with their mats down. Excuse me? Doing perverted things, yeah. What? Yeah.

Tonight, while you're all sleeping, for you, free of charge, I offer this. I say I offer this as a part of just my standard legal fees. Wait, this costs money? You're exactly right. You're paying me at least 100 dimwood bucks. 100 dimwood bucks? And there aren't any left in the dimwood. Oh, we're running. Are you saying you don't have any currency? Any dimwood bucks? Sir, I was very clear about that about five minutes ago. Mr. Chardonnay? Oh.

I take all of my clothes off and put my mask on. I can help you with this. I will come with you tonight. Oh, actually. We're in jail. She walks right out of the bar. Mr. Chardonnay. I'll come back. It's not like I'm going to stay out long. They never even know I was gone. What are you thinking? I'm thinking that we get him sleeping. Have you seen these frog legs? They're quite bendy. Oh.

You're gonna do great in the Polaroids. You're gonna show up on film real well. Mr. Chardonnay? We just have to make sure that we're not utilizing any of that new-fangled cinematography, because I'm green. Yeah, okay. So I'll completely disappear. Exactly right. The moment you start doing any of that screen business. Yeah, and then we'll just have to make sure we keep the negatives safe. Just in case. Mr. Chardonnay?

Yes, Little Rat. They took all my stuff from me and they got his banjo and they got all that stuff, but if you can get my little baggy healing cream, I can help you with them Polaroids. What? Oh, my God. Well, I... Officially, as per the law dictates, they have to turn over your position to me as a part of discovery. You have to? So I can investigate for evidence. All right, well, just once or twice a day, all right? Once or...

Once or twice a day, what? For your Polaroids. That's very funny. I've never felt so helpless before. Bitch, he's gonna go with you too.

Well, I mean, yeah, exactly. What are we going to do? We're stuck here. Are you going to go with them too and leave me here alone? You are going to have to make fake Peggy's and a fake Peggy and a fake Bitsy. Out of what? I don't know. Figure it out. God, we're asking you to do one thing, Booker. Can you do one thing? You're the reason we got into this. You're the one that's going to die if we don't figure this out. That's a fair point. All right? I need you to get your head in the game, buddy. Boy, I hope I don't flip on all of you. LAUGHTER

No.

I've never seen you do a flip, Joker. Ah, well, you might. Can you flip? You might. It might be the last thing you see there, all grumbly. Apparatus might do okay on stage. That'd be a very charming thing to see you do a flip. You know, you've been a front man in the Groggy Bottom Boys this whole time, and I haven't seen you do one flip on stage. Well, don't take your eyes off me. All right. Just in case some of the guards walk by or something happens, it needs to be, especially in the dark, it's got to look like we're still here.

Okay. All right. I believe in you. I trust that you will. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Yep, yep. We got it. We got this. How are we going to... We got this. Oh, we got this. They're not going to do it, I don't think. I think they'll be just fine. Don't worry about that bat. That bat's okay. All right. All right, well, we've got this. I don't think we'll leave him yet. Oh.

No time like the present, right? I mean, you have a lot of Polaroids to take. A lot of perverts to find. How many in the afternoon? Well, usually about 12. All right, we'll have a nightly quota of about 12. Well, perfect. I mean, that's a match made in, well, hell, the dimwood. Wait, it's only one in the afternoon?

I point at a clock, it's pointing at one. What the hell is that? Well, if you leave now, you can catch the cheeseburger special at the Gentleman's Club. Hurry, go, go! Quit! I step through the bars. Fully in the way. Catching them eating real sloppy is just as good.

You know what, Grumling? This is wonderful. The adventure that they're about to go on in Dimwood time is like four easy sessions all by themselves. So what do you want to do? I think how many shorts we're going to get from all that. I'm going to take a nap.

I can maybe, well, no, we can't take a nap because if the guards come by, we have to make them think that everybody's here. Yeah, we got to think about that. Are you going to pretend to have rabies again? Only if I have to. We never got the command word. Well, I wish you wouldn't joke about it. I have a phobia now. A phobia of joking or rabies? Rabies. It's the most deadly virus on earth. That's true. That's actually very true. Uh,

You're right, we shouldn't be judging you on this. It's very serious. It's extremely serious. You'll be all right as long as you guys got your shots. Reminder to go to the doctor. It's extremely serious. This is no laughing matter. Well...

Good luck, my friends. Good luck to you. Yeah, we're gonna need it. If anyone tries to rough you up, you just beat up Grummy. I don't want to... Wait, what? What do you mean? I think it's to assert dominance, but that's not really my bag. Call him bitch a lot. I'll see what I can do. Okay. I'm a boy dog. How am I gonna... How am I gonna... I don't... Nice. Nice. I like that a lot.

There it is. Derek's lips, nice. I don't like that one. Very funny, Brumley. Very funny, Brumley, indeed. Good boy. Good boy, Derek. Oh, no. All right, so we got a plan, right? You guys know what you're doing? Yeah, we're gonna go, too. Oh, I say we know what we're doing. It's not the first time, son. All right, well,

My life is in your hands. By this time tomorrow, you'll have gotten off so many times, you're going to be free for the first time. Let's go find those jury members. That's exactly right. Good luck. I believe in you. Stop it! I'm sorry, Booker. I'll stop talking now.

We leave prison. They just waltz out of prison! How did that work? He used the "leave prison" action. It's a way of mercy feature. I walk up to the door, "Oh, they forgot to lock it." Come on, man. You see the heavy padlock fastened tight as the lock's on. You got a key? Obviously can't afford bail.

Oh, bail. Lawyer, lawyer. Wait, you need hate? Why do you need hate from me? No, quit your hilarious sidebar conversation. All right, little pals. God, I'm trying to think.

Let me go see about bail. I'll just have to tell them we have no money, but maybe I can promise them something else. How are you going to get out of here if there's a padlock on the door? Because I'm not in the jail. You haven't been inside this jail the whole time. No, you're in the bars. I'm back on the other side of the bars representing you as your lawyer. You're a really good lawyer. I believe you right now. We just said we stepped through the bars and the DM didn't.

Moldy ones always.

I'm starting to creep. You're gonna be all right. Oh god, our lawyer's kidneys are failing. Do you need to grab the guards here? And I pull out a crisp $100 bill and I hand you this. Oh! What the hell is the United States of America? Yeah. You... I don't know if this would help, but I have some acid.

I mean, give anything a try. I think I can convince him. I don't think I have to throw her ass in the face. I did that maybe three times. It never went well, so. A fourth is just crazy. That's true. One, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four, three, four

You hear the door open again and you see a fox walk through. He's one of the guards. One must have changed shifts or the muskrat is gone. And you see as he is pushing forward into the jail right next to Jean-Claude, you see a very large and burly looking fox

like hedgehog as he steps forward and he's got very small eyes, very stained shirt and pants as he just steps forward and then the guard walks past and takes his key ring and he says, excuse me. - Well, okay, well, are you letting them out? - No, do they pay post-bail? Do they want post-bail for them? - Almost, yes they have, the check's on its way.

I'm bringing this guy in. As he unlocks it, as this huge hedgehog steps forward. Why am I picturing Big Ed from 90 Day Beyonce as his head? What the hell?

Sweet Jesus. That's exactly what he looks like. But a Sonic OC version of that. Sonic, oh god. He's in our cell? He's now being ushered, he's walking through. Oh. Oh no. We both scooch way back up against the wall. Sitting.

Very firmly on the ground. He waddles forward as the door clings back and the guard locks. Don't look him in the eye. The guard just nods at you and then walks away as the hedgehog steps forward and there's a wooden bench that's against the wall. And he just waddles over until it turns around and just sits down.

All this open bench and he sits down directly next to you. Exactly right! Yeah, yeah. You scoot over and he sits down next to you. The bench creaks underneath his weight as you hear the bristles of his spines popping out of his shirt, scraping against the wood as he just sits down and just looks ahead for a moment. And then looks at you, Booker.

Don't look too low. I'm like trying not to make eye contact. No, he's looking around at you. I don't think he sees me. Should we run? No, he doesn't see me. Should we run? No, where are we going to find one? A cage? I'm not getting on the cage. All right, on the count of three, we're going to move the outside of the cage. Okay. One, two. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. On three? One, two, three, go. One, two, three, move. Okay. One, two.

His eyes just follow you and he just looks at you and you see this hedgehog.

Look at Booker as the pair moves over, and you're on the other side now, and you all sit down, and you hear the creaking going, "Scooch!" Fuck! As the hedgehog scoots over. Damn it! Tori, what? It's coming over. I don't know, just play it cool. Fine, fine.

Hey. Oh. Hey. What are you in here for? Do you want to know? Yeah. It was messy. Yeah. Yeah. Elaborate. Oh, you want to hear how messy it is?

The bat's like... Yeah. I put it in my two knees tomorrow. Psychological damage on the ass. I might have rabies. Big Ned.

I called him Edgehog. Oh, Jesus. Now I can make an edgehog. They call me Rabbit Rick. Why do they call you that? Because I might have rabies. Should we really go to the doctor? I keep putting it off.

gladys is gonna kill me if i actually have rabies and i guess that means she has rabies too well what if i have rabies too there's nothing we can really do about that yeah it's incurable that's right there's no known cure in the dimwood it's only a matter of time before we

Get hydrophobia. Yeah, you know what the rumor is on the streets, right? Yeah. That there really is a cure for rabies, but all them perverts in Hollywood keep it to themselves. We're getting off topic. It seems very on topic for the canon of the situation. You gotta tell me what you did and why it was so messy.

I'm like visibly sweating and like trying to keep my cool so that we don't lose it. I'm trying to stay strong for Grumly. Peggy's still naked with her clown mask on, just watching. Just staring. She's like Beans and Rango and she's just like completely frozen. Are we just in the hallway watching this? No, no, you're in the prison cell. Okay. Jean-Claude is walking through the bars.

What's his problem? Just new here. You don't see many dogs around here. Not in eerie country. I ain't even seen a dog before. He's with me. It's a chew what they say about dogs. What did they say about dogs? I said the bark is worth the buy.

Oh my god, does Brumley have rabies? Do you really have rabies? What if I do? Yeah, do you got any Virginia Slims? By the time you feel symptoms, it's 100% fatal. That's right. It's the deadliest virus on earth. It's a serious condition.

Yeah, what he said. I knew a Virginia, but she wasn't slim. That'll work. Okay. What does the answer mean? Whatever you like. It is a hot dog. It is a hot dog.

genuine Virginia. Whoa. Oh my God. Thank you. He doesn't even chill. Oh my God. Where did you get that? I'm taking so many whole roads in this situation. I snuck it in. But how? You don't want to know. I know. What's your name again? Oh no. They call me Big Ned. Big Ned? Yeah. Why do they call you that?

You really don't know? I said, is it a hypothetical question? What are you, a little slow or something? Are we cool, Big Ned? Is there a reason why we're not cool? I don't know. It seems like you're talking about messy crimes and whatnot. And your name's Big Ned. I don't know. It's kind of intimidating. Unless you're cool. All I know is that I ain't going to do hard time.

We don't want to do hard time either. If things go wrong, we're going to blame everything on Hank. I forgot about that. Is that going to work? Oh yeah, it'll work. Well, you don't have to worry about that because tomorrow half past midday I'm going to get him off. I'm looking forward to it. They're going to eat you alive in the clam bucket.

Is that a promise? Sure is. Sweet. Maybe I... Maybe I... Shouldn't have bailed out then. You got any more of them hot dogs? I stole a whole lot of chili dogs. There was chili on that thing? No!

No! Can I introduce you to-- That wasn't chilling! --a refreshing glass! Sangria! Oh, wow. I didn't know that. This is some good sangria. It's a little fresh.

You didn't tell us what you did to get in here. Just that it was messy. Oh, it was messy. Got everywhere. I can tell you stole hot dogs. That's really burying the lead. We're burying something. Oh, the chili dog cart didn't know what hit him. I got all them chili dogs. What do they say about dogs?

You're leaving a lot of open threads here while we're talking. You keep mentioning dogs. What do they say about them? We're losing the pump. They say a lot about dogs. But like what specifically? That they like getting their bellies rubbed. Is that true? He creased forward. No, no, no. Hey, hey, you stay away from him. Yeah, I'm already his bitch. I'm spoken for. Yeah, that's right.

There's only one guy in this place that's giving him belly rubs and it's me! That's right! You did it, Booker! That's right! You're doing it! You're doing it, Booker! You're believing in yourself! Make an intimidation check. Me? Yeah, it's you. Oh, God. At what point should I add my bargain inspiration? I got a 13. 13. He takes his stuff back. Fine! Fine!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got a bum racket after I disappointed the boss one too many times. Oh, why was it messy? Did you, like, kill the guy who owned the car? No, it was the chili spill all over the place. But don't worry, it was nothing personal.

Alright, well, you know what? This isn't so bad. I thought this guy was gonna be a horrible murderer. He's got hot dogs. That's no crimes at all, basically. I mean, I don't know if you know this from my parents, but I'm a lawyer and I'd be happy to represent you. We can get you off as well. I don't need a lawyer. Oh, well. The boss will bail me out. He always does. Who's the boss? The Don. You don't know the Don? Don who? Don Chino.

he runs the river folk company i don't like chinos they're not flattering on anybody wait the company is full of orders i mean the company is full of orders no you can drop it it's okay it's fine it's all right scratchy on me we're all right now i said i had like i had scratching pretzels earlier so now this is a little better and more and more natural it was more or less a panic reaction honestly i don't know where that came from i'm done with the gabagool

When you say "lowest goon" out of like how many? There's a lot of goons.

A lot of goons. I don't want to alarm you. But the other goons ain't in jail, so he won't be busy bailing out any other goons, I don't think. Okay. Do you think that's because he doesn't bail out the lowest goons? No, I believe that the boss can bail me out. Has he bailed out goons before? He trusts his soldiers. Whenever they run into the law with the eerie, he always clears it up. Don't worry.

You don't need to worry about me. I promise you we're not worried. You don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine. We're not worried. I know that look on your face. No, no, we're not worried. That is not worrying. Soft hands. Well... No, we're very not worried. Soft hands. Don't worry about me. No, I promise. We're definitely not. You don't have rabies, though, right? Like, that was just a silly joke? What if I do? Oh, God. Well, it's highly contagious and we don't want it. Is it true that you like being scratched behind the ears?

Can you stop asking me questions? You can talk to him. I just think I ain't seen a dog in a long time. You're making this really weird. Do you ever think for dogs? You're making this creepy. It's like borderline and creepy territory here, all right? When was the last time you saw a dog? It's a long time. Wait, are you that guy from 90 Day Fiance? It's that dog wedding show, isn't it? You were that creepo. I just thought that it was a pretty...

Pretty Cocker Spaniel. I don't like where this is going. Oh, God, you've been married and divorced like eight times now. They all got an old. No, I don't think they did. Well, you know, those shows are all made up, Peggy. They're all made up. The producer just told me what to say. So the producer told you to say that you were looking for a sexy pug to bring home to Mama? What? A pug? Why a pug specifically? I don't remember saying that. Oh, good.

To my inside check. Oh, pretty good. Very well done. 23. He seems... You're a high alert. He seems genuinely confused and actually scared of Peggy. Join the club. Oh. Phew. Well, all I know is that I... My specialty is... The racket that I'm in charge of is all the dogs. Can you stop grunting every time you look at... I mean, at Grumbly, please? Grumbly...

No, well, it's grumly. It's grumly? I know I'm going to get bailed out.

So you don't need to worry about me. We're really not worried. Stop asking all these questions about the Don. I can't stress this enough. Stop asking about the Don. You don't care. People who ask too many questions end up dead around here. You watch your ass. I won't get you any more sangria if you don't watch your mouth, all right? Stop threatening me.

Seven. Uh-oh. I wash my ass once a week. That doesn't smell like it. What? I look big Ned up and down. I shit bigger than you. Christ. He stands up and you hear, you all suddenly are lifted up as the bench creaks loudly as he looms over you.

And you see that he's looking down over you as he leans down. His bristles are tight, but they are sharp. And he says, I'd like to see you try.

Oh no. No, no, no, no. Are you guys gonna have a shit-off? No, no, no. I really don't want to be here for it. Peggy, take me with you. Peggy, please, I'll do it. This will be the second time I've seen a shit-off, and honestly, it's weird it's happening. Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, light me on fire. Peggy, immolate me. Just kill me now, please. I beg of you. I could probably kill you with my bare hands. Snap my neck. Snap my neck and it down. Please, I can't go on anymore. I can't take it anymore. Was it up into the right, Pitsy?

Just twist my head right off my little raccoon's shoulders, please. Get it done with. I mean, look, if you're going to have this shit off, can you at least do it quickly? Is there a prison toilet? There's a bucket. He says, Sangria. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Now you listen to me. Come down here real close, quiet. Make a persuasion check. Nine.

You go on hot dog heists? Yeah, it's good money. I do my kick-ups and I got like a couple clams left over. Look, you just be cool. We'll find some more hot dogs when we get on the outside. You looking for work? I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. You just be cool. You just be cool, big man. Oh.

I mean, intimidation and persuasion take an advantage of whatever you're doing. I'm going intimidation 21. Huge. Huge. Big head is always cool. That's what I thought. I'm a cool goon. That's what I thought. How do you think that we just met?

It's nice to meet you. My name's Bitsy. It's nice to meet you. My name's Big Ned. Hi, Big Ned. I'm Bitsy. Hi, Bitsy. I'm Big Ned. I'm a goon. I'm a tiny mouse. My name's Bitsy. How are you? I'm all right. A little hungry for some clam dogs. Do you have any more? How are you? I'm good. Oh, I'll have some. No, you go ahead. All right.

We enter a loop and this happens for two hours. This continues. The bat at the end of it is just hundreds of pages. How are you? I'm good. My name's Bitsy. They prepared to do a shit-off.

This is my favorite inter-party romance here, is Big Ned and Bitsy. It's the OTP. You're just standing here watching all this as it normally is. I've never seen anything like this before. This is happening. I'm not quite sure what to do now. Are they going to shit at each other with a kiss? I don't know.

I want to leave. Can we leave? We can't. We're in prison. Mr. Chanticleque, can we leave? Tomorrow you can leave. I guarantee it. Okay? Big net deal. Are you sure you don't need representation? Boss is going to bail me out any minute now and I'll be walking free. Well, why don't I check on that bail for you and see if that's on its way in company. You better be careful, law man. I'm not no law man. I think last I heard you're responsible for...

Shimmy the wrench getting... What? What do you mean? How did you hear about that? Oh, word gets around. That's not true even a little bit. Word gets around, Mr. Lawyer. You don't know this, and I don't expect you would, because he's a no-good two-timing, vandalizing, ugly son of a gun. But my brother, Jean-Luc...

He's going around these here parts saying that he's me. And he's doing all sorts of stuff. And unfortunately, every now and again, he's good at it. So it's probably him what no good put away Jimmy Two Toes the ranch.

Got 'em locked up. Not me. I've never. I'm a defense attorney. I only get people off. You're telling me... that you have an identical twin brother who looks and sounds exactly like you and dresses exactly like you and has successfully stolen your identity and pretends to do law and you're plays and actually sometimes pretty good at it. You completely missed what I was saying, okay? You didn't get it there, okay? We're fraternal twins.

You got everything else. Nigga's F'n Jack. I say, I say, weirdly yes. 21. Bingo. Pretty good. And you expected me to believe that? Only if you can be trusted to believe the truth there, big neige hog. Alright. Well, perfect.

Just don't fuck with me. I'm surprisingly fast. Like, movement-wise? I mean, look at him. He's like spherical. Get him near your legs and he's just gonna go. He's gonna roll and roll and nobody ever has to stop him. I gotta go fast. Well, okay, okay. I'm not as fast as my brother Sonny.

Oh, you have a brother too? Yeah. He's still your identity ever? No good son? Nah, we look different. He's a little... He's a little weird. He's weird. Yeah, how's he weird? What's his... What's his kind of special brand of freak? I don't want to get into it. I'm just going to sip on my sangaree. I ain't got no sangaree.

Are you gonna give us waters? Your brother said he had water. I'll see what I can wrangle up, alright? Let me go find this here jailer person, see if I can't find any of your effects, and wrangle up a glass of water for y'all, okay? I'll be right back. No, no, you gotta get regular water like your brother said he was gonna get his avian.

Well, I don't think I'm in. Okay, I'll get you avian water. Thank you. You're welcome. Water for me too, please. Okay, waters, they're all around. Please, avian. No. Just in case we do make it out tonight, I gotta keep my mouth dry. What? Oh, sweet gods. You know...

Please help us. If you get waters, I'll take one. I hate it here. This is the worst. This is bad. This is really bad. Whatever you can do. I thought this would be tolerable, but this is bad. You can ask for a drink. You thought prison was going to be tolerable? I thought the four of us were going to have a wonderful time. And, you know, it's just a disappointment, man.

"Technically, this is only jail. "My imprison's much worse." What's the difference? "It really is much worse.

That's the clam bucket. Short-term holding people overnight and whatnot. Prison's when you get in a sentence and you're going to stay there for a long time, like all the years and stuff. Okay. What she said. Good to know. We're learning things. You have a surprisingly good grasp on the prison system. Have you done this before? No. I'm just a very good speller. How do you spell jail? J-A-I-L.

That's not what it said at all. Jail? No, that's not how you spell jail at all. I'm pretty sure that's right. Did you see the sign? G-A-O-L. J? What do you think this is, a jiff? Yeah. Who spells it that? Trying to guess. You think it's a giraffe? Yeah. Is it really pronounced traffics? Pfft.

That's good sangria. It's alright. It's not the best I ever had. It's still a little fresh. And now she keeps saying that. I'm at a loss here. I don't know.

I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm tired. This is awful. Mr. Chardonnay? Yes, Missy? How much time has passed? Five minutes, hard to say. I actually just have four and a half. I'm gonna go find the jailer. Please do, please do. Please, please, I beg you. I away if I may. You leave and you're able to exit.

And you pass a guard and you make your way towards the processing center and you see that there's a little station with that same fox that had brought in Big Ned. And he's looking down and he's doing some paperwork seemingly as he's writing with a pencil. Good afternoon, I say, I say, young gentle fox. My name is Jean-Claude Chanticleer Lord Law.

Are you this fine afternoon? I'm alright, how are you? I'm doing excellent, thank you for asking. So pleasant. Now, listen, you're... You're representing the rebels? Well, alleged rebels. I see you're tossing around labels before anything's proven in this here court of law. And I got some information I think you'd like to be privy to. Are you in charge here, or is there someone above you? I'm in charge here for now.

I have hot off the presses information and I'd like to trade it for the freedom of my compatriots. You can post bail. Well, we've already posted bail. The check's in the mail. I told you that before. We don't take checks. What? You don't take checks? Well, I'll have to cancel that then.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

I say, I say, what do you mean I got zero bags? What do you mean I called 40 minutes beforehand and cleaned out the weekend? Joan Luke! Let's get it on! Let's get it on! Okay, fine, Fox. What is their bag? Only 50 gold for each of them.

50 gold for each. Yeah, the mastermind is set at 2,000. Wait, which one's the mastermind? The duck. Who's the duck? Master. Oh. Okay, yeah. We don't care about masterminds. No, that's a little too much, yeah. I think, well, he really should stand trial for his crimes, I think. You know what I mean? What he did was pretty bad.

I'd actually like you to produce me the evidence that you have on everybody. It's called discovery. You're legally obligated. Is that a thing? Or deception. Or deception if you're lying. 19. Farewell. The evidence is eyewitness testimony. A bunch of horrific unmentionables found in

in the cargo hold of their catamaran. Uh-oh. The first officer that went down there was on medical leave. Physical medical leave or mental? Yes. I knew those perverts could suck the chrome off of a tailpipe. What the hell's a tailpipe? Everyone's talking in riddles!

Well, I was just thinking about it. I'm busy processing, Big Ned. Well, what I didn't hear you say is, uh, doesn't sound like there's any DNA evidence in time to the scene, doesn't it? In fact, you need to see the DNA evidence? Sir, do you have to?

I'm legally obligated. Don't make me go back there. I don't want to do it. Don't do it then. Please don't do it then. You don't have to do this. I didn't go through all three months of law school. I didn't go through all those three months at law school so that I could walk away from legally obligated evidence. Oh no. Take me back.

I'm gonna need to see my supervisor. The fox disappears and then comes back with a very large key ring. And a very slow and solemn walk to the evidence locker.

As the lights are off, as the door opens, the large key ring is shaking as it enters. The smell hits you first. As you stare, as it's dark. Smells like Pennsylvania. Thank you. Smells like Pennsylvania for it. The fox lights a lamp in the room.

Oh, I think that's made it worse! Put that out! It's expanding the set! What you see, you will never be able to describe or share with anyone for the rest of your life. The gods know you will never forget as you return back to the desk after being shown the evidence.

You can't stop this. Why did you let me back there? Why? I have to live with that now. You were making me obligated. I'll never see it now.

I'll bet Mr. Chanticleer is going to give us all the exactly now. He'll be back in no time. He'll give us an update. We'll be out of here like we split. Can you really do a flip? The mailman company is next door. Literally next door. I'm going to go home. I don't feel so good. I understand. I have to talk to him. I have to talk to him.

God? They can't help me here. Why don't you give me the keys and let me lock up for you? Hey! What is it? I did knock them down! Mr. Fox, I don't know if it's me. I hear him already. Just leave the keys. I'll lock up for you. Make your return ticket advantage, because of the emotional trauma you've unleashed. Come on. It's pretty good.

Fifteen, I think. No way. Persuasion? You rolled a fifteen. I rolled a fourteen, but either way, I still got behind that. Oh, sorry. Twenty-five. There we go. It's like, "Jay's your lawyer and your persuasion's supposed to work." I never said I was good at this. The keys hit the desk of this fox, and he just walks away. I don't even fucking care anymore. And he just walks away. Do you think

Do you think that's what they said? I don't know what they said, but I've been a police officer for a long time. And I've seen crimes that violate the statutes of both Critterkind and the Almighty. But I ain't ever seen nothing like that. Goodbye. Godspeed. I snatch up the keys. I slam the door open.

Wow, you're looking extra sweaty. What's going on? You all right there? Your feathers are all matted. Have you been crying? Have you seen Pale? Yeah, he has been crying. Why are you just a little phlegmy? It's frankly humid in here. Here, have some sangria.

Some sangria, you look barge. I don't know if that's gonna help. Oh, God. Oh. Nope. Okay, there we go. Why is it so thick? Did you forget the avians? Did you forget the avian water? No water will ever wash away what you've done. What? You sick fucks. What are you talking about? We didn't do anything. We didn't do anything. We told you the truth. That's okay. Okay.

I know what you've done. It doesn't sound okay. It's been marked on my, it's been marked on my, on my spirit. What did we do? For the rest of my days, I have to live with what you've done. Oh. Oh, and it's changed me and my core. It's changed me head to down to my bones every five of my being. I walked into that room a man and I left. Less man. I tell you. I say, I say.

I've never been through something so spiritual than walking into that evidence locker and seeing the proof of what you did! I don't want to alarm him, but his left eye is drifting. Oh, so he knows everything? Oh, no! Fourteen people, everyone who handled that evidence, either dead or insane. What was the evidence? I couldn't speak it. I cannot repeat it. But... So, what you're trying to say...

Is that we're gonna die. No, I absolutely thought I'm a lawyer after all, so I'll just pack it all inside, box it up, and I've got the keys, so I'm gonna free you. Oh, that's right. You got the keys? No, you don't understand. I'm a defense attorney, so this is the thing. It doesn't matter if I know you did it. I'll just get you out. Oh, that's right. Okay, so are you gonna do that now or later?

I was like, we gotta give it. Yippee, we're free. No. Hey, I offered you representation, okay? You said no, the Don's got you. Oh, don't. Well, fine, the Don will bail me out. Yeah, there you go. You can stay here. Do you think, this may be wild, but you say that that evidence is really bad? Yeah, I can't repeat it, but oh my God. Ned, can you not listen for a minute? Bitsy, can you distract him? Hey.

Hey, Ned. Hey. Hi. Hey, Ned. Yeah, what's up? You want to sing a song?

Whoa, what song? Three coins in a fountain. Oh, each one for happiness. This is a great song. Prawn by three, whole colons. You know the words, yeah. Oh, wow. He really does know the words. I want you to get down and dirty with me, old Chanticleer. I can taste it.

What's it going to take to alter the files and pin that evidence on Ned? I can make it happen. Because I think... Look, I'm going out on a limb here. You're the lawyer, not me. But I did create magic and the world a couple of weeks ago. A couple of Thursdays. Once a week. Who knows? And we could leave. But then we're going to have a target on. But... Pin all the evidence on Ned.

then maybe they wouldn't think too much about us being gone. And if it matters, I think I speak for everyone when I say I cannot overstate how happy we would be to just throw old Ned under the bus. We are very, very, very, very eager to make all this go away. And what's also important about this, too, is he was mentioned in The Dawn and you. And if he goes free...

And he goes back to the dawn and says that he saw you and forgets all that stuff about your brother. You might be in bad with the dawn and we can't have that, right? So it's best if he's just... Think about the wrench. Think about the wrench. I should be listening to this conversation. Three coins in a fountain. Three hearts in a fountain. Through the ripples, how they shine. And just one wish will be granted.

One heart will win a valentine. They're good. They are so good. No one's better at distracting than Bitsy, let me tell you. So. I say, I say, after what I saw in that room, some things are too heinous.

Did you say anus? No, anus! I said anus! No! No! He's sweating again. Some things are too anus. Anus! With an H. With an H! Okay? Sometimes anus is too anus. That's what I'm gonna say. To put those crimes on somebody else, I just couldn't. Not for anything less than a strong eye over you.

How much? Well, what do you think you stand to gain over the course of this campaign? I don't know. Well, that'll do. All right. I owe you IBK. Perfect. You buy that. The perfect level of dissolution. Now...

To frame an innocent man. Three coins in the fountain. Each one seeking happiness. Drawn by Jesus. Unbelievable. Well done. Well done. Great job. You've won a lot of voices. We did it. Thank you. Oh, thank you. If only I had the banjo. Yeah. We gotta go into the evidence locker and get your banjo.

From what I understand, if the banjo's in the evidence locker, it's lost to time. You don't have the banjo, but I can play the skin flute. What's that? Yeah, what's that? Is that a special kind of flute? Is that a special kind of flute? Yeah, made of skin. Like a recorder? No, who plays the recorder? I used to play the recorder. Oh. It was like...

Oh, I know that song! You don't like hot cross buns? No, I know it! I know that song! Am I talking to the batter or am I talking to Big Ned? I know it, Big Ned! I know it! Yeah! Is that not... I mean, your remorse, was that not three blind mice? Yeah, that was definitely three blind mice. It's not hot cross buns? No. It might be the same tune. Hot cross buns, see how they run. LAUGHTER

I know that song too! She's a little confused. She's got spirit though, you know? That's what we love about you, Betsy. And let us out of here, Jean-Claude, and then I'll get your hand out. Are we leaving now? Well, I'd say some people are leaving very soon. But some people are staying for a little bit longer than they thought. But... Who? Her? Maybe. Maybe. I'll be back.

Actually, can you shake my hand really quick? Oh. Really? Yeah, I'm surprised too, but... He stands up and it creaks. You know, I thought you were a really pathetic liar and a loser, and also I hate you because you put away Jimmy the Wrench, and the Don's never gonna forget it. You know, I thought that you really should end up in the lake, like rotting and filled with graveworms.

She doesn't like it. I do it. She doesn't like it.

I thank you for saying that, because I was experiencing quite the moral quandary. Now, oh wow, no one's ever said anything like that to me, except at the foxhole, but I pay him to say that. There's something incredibly sensual about the way your neck extends from your chin all the way down to your chest, so if you could please spit into this handkerchief for me, I would really appreciate that. I'm going to use this later for my own sexual pleasures.

Wow. Remember, you gotta stay dry just in case. Try to help. You gotta help. Oh, hold on. My mouth is a little dry. Hold on. Do you have any of that water? Okay, look, I need a sip of my sangria. Yep, just a little bit more. Just a little bit. Yep, yep. Keep going. Keep going. Chug it. Chug it, you old fuck. Chug it.

- Oh man, he really looks like he wants it. Looks like he likes it. - All right, all right. Can you spit in his mouth please, thanks. - Oh gosh, it smells like hot dogs. - He's like choking, he's tearing up. - I wipe off some of the tears with it. All right, you've been a really good boy, Ned. And then I'm gonna hand this to you. - I don't practice sangria. I don't got no physical form.

I had a million dimwit bucks, but I lost them all. I'm gonna tell the boss about this. I sing to myself in the corner, waiting for it all to end. Ned walks back to the bench and he sits back down as the bench creaks and he just kind of stares at the floor, sipping on his sangria. Well, I'll be right back, everyone. Okay.

And as you walk out, I will slip you the napkin. I go frame Ned. You don't have to RP this. I go frame Ned. Well, I don't want to RP that room. I use the frame Ned action. Make an investigation check for me. And as you walk out, I will slip you the napkin so that Ned doesn't see it. Yeah. Investigation? Yep. Roll high. We're twisting at palm time. 18. 18. Oh. Oh. You make your way back into the evidence locker.

And you own desensitized. There's a loss of time. Yeah. Like a whole chunk of time. You manage to take all of the things that they had confiscated from your four clients. And you swap all of it for Ned's filthy handkerchief. Spit riddled. And sweat and tears and all of that.

And you place it there. And also you place a piece of paper from your briefcase that says, I did it. Big Ned. Signed Big Ned. Signed Big Ned. I signed this. Love Big Ned. Love Big Ned. Love Big Ned. Yep.

Well, I say that, I ought to do it. Oh, Jean-Claude Chanticleer gets another man off. You return back, carrying a banjo, carrying all of the implements, the halberd. You see the farmer. Yeah.

Well, I say, all right, everybody. If I could get just my compatriots up against the bars for just one quick second. Oh, sure. I'm going to start taking my clothes off and moving towards the bars. You don't have to take your clothes off. No. Just get towards the bars, you know? You two as well. You come on up. Okay. All right. All right.

Quick, quick, get out, get out. Oh, fuck. We're doing this right now? Move, move. The bat's like, I can't believe that worked. We're so boned, man. We gotta kill this bat. Wait, I know how to kill him. You leave the hallway and you stop and Bitsy says that.

We all just have to tell him a story all at the same time, all of us at the same time, all right? What, so his little bat-hitting quote? No, no, you don't want to go down for actual murder. At this point, it's all just a legend. Well, he knows too much. He has to go. No, what he knows can't possibly counter-take what I did down there. Are you sure, Mr. Chardonnay? The evidence in that locker...

is cumbersome. Not too mean cumbersome. That's an interesting word, Joyce. What if I'm mean? You should have seen. I think that was bouquet. I gotta be honest. I'm curious now. I mean, the way you're talking about it. Don't you want to know? I want to know. I'm not sure. I'm not in a fugue state. I'll be completely honest with you. I gotta know. I'm not sure this is really happening to me right now. I've never seen cumbersome evidence before. Top to bottom.

I mean, top to bottom. Speaking of which, did you get our stuff? Like a glazed donut. Is it holding out? Did you bring it? Oh, yeah, it's over here. Oh, yeah, don't you see it? What the hell is this? What is... I don't know.

The wood's all warped! The-the-the-the drum's soaking wet! It's ruined! Yeah, yeah, you know what? Why don't you follow me to the evidence locker? You can go in and see if you can find your stuff, okay? No, I mean, this is it, but it's all wrong! It's broken! No, I don't want you to be unhappy. Why don't you all just stick in there? It's broken! It's irreparable! I can't- I can't play this! You know what? Maybe you can find a better one. Listen! It doesn't make any noise! That's terrible! Are you sure that's yours? Maybe- No, it's definitely- it's got- I wrote my name on the back. It's all- it's running.

It is running. It stinks. This is a nightmare. I can't take this with me. I gotta find a new one. A new one? Well, this one's never gonna play right again. Look, it's turning into a C. Think of all the adventures we've been on with this banjo. Yeah, well. If you were more positive, you could call it a canjo. I wish it worked like that. I really do. You can try.

How do you know when you air it out and when it's all dry it won't be fixed? She knows what she's talking about. She made the whole world. She might be right.

I can still wait and see. What if the expansion of the wood makes it so that when it dries out, it plays more beautifully than it ever did before? I have a... It's like actively curling. One of the... I have a... I have a strong, sneaking suspicion that that's just not gonna be the case. The strings snap, but they don't move. Oh, wow.

Oh, God. Oh, Krusty. Well, if it makes you feel better. I had a roommate after college. Oh, God. She had a boyfriend who had a thing for curtains, so it would seem.

You can't wash that stuff out. What kind of curtains? Well, just some fabric curtains. Once it gets covered in the stuff, it eventually becomes indestructible. You could use that thing as a weapon or snap it clean in half. If I snap it clean in half, it doesn't sound like a very good weapon. Well, then you have two weapons instead of one. I suppose this is goodbye old friend. With sharp edges. So does that mean that a banjo can snap clean in half?

To be fair, yeah, it looks like it might. You should definitely burn that thing. I was thinking about throwing it in the river. No, don't throw it in the river. No! I just...

Do not throw that in the river. It belongs in the sea. No, no, no. Do not throw it in the river. The stench that it will spread upon impact will kill everything. I can't promise I'm not going to throw it in the river. It might grow into some kind of monster, like one of them foam things you throw into a water pool. Okay. Okay.

If it belongs in the sea, why don't you take it with you until we get there? Well, that's what I mean. It just seems to get out of here, and I'm going to get rid of it. Well, no, but if you throw it here, it's just going to end up in some mucky swamp. No, the river will take it all the way out. Don't worry. That's how it works. Oh, that's really how it works? It goes right out to the sea. The odds seem very low. No, no. It's basically guaranteed. Oh.

I was just thinking that maybe we could eventually meet up with Benji and Keziah again and Drake Smith and, you know, do the whole swashbuckling pirate thing. I can't wait that long to get a new badge on my friend. Well, you can still get a new one. Just carry that one with you. What if I carry it for you? That's a lot of trouble. What if we found a wood chipper?

What's a wood chipper? What's a chip of the woods? Okay. All right. Sure. I follow it. And so what if we chipped that son of a bitch right out? Turned it into a fine powder. You know, it's still got all the crust on it. So that becomes a weapon of mass destruction. Ah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We could throw it in people's eyes. If you're feeling froggy. Every day. There it is.

Guys, I don't mean to alarm you, but we're trying to get out of jail right now. And I think Mr. Chardonnay has done us a real big favor. If we stay here and get caught again, he'll go to jail and then we'll all turn into executives. It's true. And I know, I say, I know, I just met you, but I take lawyering very seriously. Still up in the corner writing.

We're gone. That begs the question. What about tomorrow? Are we just skipping town? Are we out of here? Yeah, it doesn't matter. After what I did down there, they're going to bring it up in a court of law this year, court of law tomorrow. Oh, so we're just done? We can leave? Oh, yeah. They have no evidence on you anymore. Okay? You in particular. Oh, me? Yeah. What about me? They got any evidence on me? What about all of us?

You're a little questionable. Plus, you're walking around with evidence right now. I'm getting rid of it. I told you, I'm not keeping this thing. You can throw it in the river. It's got your name on it. Not for long. Let's be real. It's like entirely smeared off. Yep, there it goes. Look, I just watched my name slide right off this thing. Ew. It's like a gothic tattoo that says boo, but it's like a bad tattoo job. That's all it says is B-O-O. I know.

Come morning this thing won't even look like a banjo anymore. Well, he kind of doesn't. Well, come on! Are we going or what? We should leave. But where were we gonna go? Anywhere but here. Anywhere but here? Do you have a house? Can we come over?

Yeah. Well, we can go to your house. I've got a Chateau Chanticleer. Oh, that's perfect. I love that. Do you have a wife? Yeah. Are you married? No, no. Oh, I'm married. Lawyering doesn't do well with relationships. Wait, are you from Muckbed Creek? No, I just got vacation homes and places. Wow, you really are doing well. Defense attorney and pays well. Unbelievable. Oh!

I wonder if they reclaimed my house after Tom Luke closed down on my account. Uh oh. Oh no! We should go check right away! He only did it 40 minutes ago, but I don't know how quick the housing authority moves on reclaiming the thing. Leave the room! It could be instantaneous. Right now! Let's go! You all leave as you pass the river, Booker. Go emptying, running out of the lake.

You know the pathway. You grew up here. You know the pathways of the wooden walkways as there's towards the direction of the district where Jean-Claude allegedly lives. You pass along the river and you see the opportunity, should you wish. You see the water moving down towards the sea, down south west. All right guys, I just need one minute.

I run over to the edge of the water. Yeah, yeah. And I look at the mansion and I say, I can't believe this is the end. I swear, Nestor, the perverts, that weird rooster's twin brother, by all that is good...

I curse you by night here! And I throw the banjo into the... Hear my curses! As I throw the banjo, cursing Nestor the Perverts and Jean-Luc. It sticks to your fingertips. And it drops. You eventually throw it in. I need you to make...

- Jesus Christ. Make a charisma check. - Okay. - At advantage and at your proficiency. - Oh, that's not bad. 19. - 19. You throw it in as you're breathing heavily, as you see it hit the river, as it starts to, it floats, still filled with air on the skin, with the skin hasn't been fully punctured yet, as it floats and starts to drift down the river and suddenly,

Very closely, you see a large webbed green hand emerge and another as a fish-like face peers up. Fake. As it pulls it down under the water. As you see a fishman, something that you've never seen before. It's preposterous that there would be a humanoid fish. There's absolutely no way that's possible. 30 seconds goes by. As you see this strange humanoid fish. Utter silence. 30 seconds.

Right here. Oh, you will make them pay. And then quietly, still in stunned silence, I'll rejoin the rest of the crew. It's done. Are you going to be okay? You know, I think I will be. We're going to get you another banjo. When the time is right. Did you have that one long? As long as I can remember. Damn shame to lose such a fine musical instrument. It is. It is. But such is the way of life. She's in a happier place now.

Easy come, easy go. Or something like that. That's what it seems. Am I still going to get off? Yeah, you just did. I did? Yeah. You didn't feel that release? Oh, well, now that you mention it, it does feel like a great weight has been lifted off my poor, tired shoulders. Once again, Jean-Claude, lawyer of law, freezing innocent man.

Thank you, man. You've done a wonderful job. You're really good at this. I'm impressed. Genuinely. I always said it would go better my third time. So, you know, if we keep you around, does that mean we can just do whatever we want and have it clear when we get to and you'll just make all the problems go away? More or less, yeah. That seems extremely helpful. Well, I've never met a lawman that can out-talk me. Wow. So. Well, I guess, you know, if things don't go right with you, if, you know, it doesn't work out, there's always night here.

Just like, you know, when day's over? Like, night's here? Night's coming. Oh. We should probably get a move on. Oh, God. We don't want to be outside with that hat.

Oh, that would be a nightmare. Lead the way to your chateau. Yeah, we'll carry on this way to this neighborhood where my legend... As you walk, Booker, you hear in the back of your mind, you're not sure if anyone else can hear it, the dulcet tones of a banjo as if plucked by a wet, fishy hand. Did you guys hear that? Hear what? I thought I heard a... I thought I heard the...

No, it's probably nothing. So, what are you going to do now? Well, I thought I'd just hang out with you guys, I guess. I mean, if that's okay. You know, you're the only court case I had on my docket.

And I'm all cleared up. And actually, I gotta make sure that Jean-Luc's not out there ruining my reputation. We gotta find him. We gotta kill him. You want us to come with you and do horrible, despicable things to your brother? No, can we stop trying to kill people, please? I'm not counting about killing. I'm a Bromley. I just want to get back to

seeing what we got to do and going around and playing music with my friends and making some money on the side. I want to live a comfortable life. But he's an accountant. He's a scourge on the earth. He sucks blue.

That's blue. I don't disagree, but he's probably 30 clearings over by now. That's a lot of clearing. It is. It's very far. He doesn't move that fast, you see him? We should really get to Mr. Chanticleer's luxurious, expensive chateau right away. It hasn't been repoed yet. Here's the thing, I'm concerned that we're not going to be welcome in this clearing.

Yeah, we got off. We all simultaneously got off together. But that doesn't mean that there's not going to be a bounty on our heads. Do you think when the Dawn finds out about what happened to, you know, Big Neck Ed, that we're going to... He's just going to let us go free? Well, Booker's from here. You must know somewhere to lay low for a while. You know, while the heat is on.

We just let things clear out for a bit. I was going to suggest the Gentleman's Club. That's where I usually go. Well, will Bitsy and I be welcome at the Gentleman's Club? Of course! Everyone's welcome at the Gentleman's Club. Oh, all right. Yeah, I'd love that. You think fondly of the foxhole.

And also the Gentleman's Club. Yeah, and also I remember the location of the Gentleman's Club. That's very funny. Holy! Booker starts to sweat. Oh, wow. Mr. Chanticleer, it is hot out here. It's not as... Like a Julehouse. How could I forget? You think fondly of the Foxfold. I just... And it's a place... You do know people. You have family here.

You have whatever siblings that you may want to have or friends, whatever, whoever. You think about people that you have as you make your way through. You think about places to lay low, although, you know, ain't nothing wrong with a foxhole. How's that?

Eventually, you make your way to Chateau Chanticleer, which is away from the walkways of this area, but very clearly a soggy basement apartment below a duplex. And you see that it is boarded up, and there is a sign

that says repossessed by the First Bank of Fort Wallum. And you see that a soggy envelope sitting at the floor of the stairwell that leads to your sad basement apartment. I say, damn it!

John Luke, I knew it, man! The repos moved fast. Wow. Damn! Holy hell. I can't believe they got this all boarded up and changed it to look from a luxurious three-story vacation home. It's soggy.

in a soggy basement under a duplex. It's weird how that happened. They renovated the whole place first and then rebooted and then boarded it up. That doesn't even add up. Hey, there's victimization at the highest degree. I'm sorry. Oh, well. That's awful for you. You must feel terrible right now.

And this, just this soggy letter addressed to me is all I am. Why is everything so soggy around here? I don't know. It wasn't like that before. To be fair, I don't remember this ever being this soggy. It's particularly bad this time. Well, I guess it is called Mugbed Creek. Maybe that's why I left. I can't even remember. What are we going to do now?

Should we go to the club? You think we still have time to hit the cheeseburger special? Oh, the cheeseburger special's probably over by now, but they don't close for at least a while. We can get some food. I'm hungry. I'll eat anything. Might be Taco Tuesday. Oh. Taco's nice.

You think... And they're serving salads. You think that regardless of what food special, that the drink special, the fire in the hole, is always available and always delicious. They got it on tap. Guys, guys, guys. You're never going to believe what I just remembered.

Do you think they have those little pretzel sticks? What do they call them? Tummy sticks? Tummy sticks? Yeah. Maybe. I don't think that's what they call them, Peggy. I would love to share some tummy sticks with friends. You look at the sign that actually says the first bank of, not Wartwallow, of Muckbed Creek, because I remember what clearing you were in. Yeah. The Betterboro Bank. It was always that way. Yeah, it was always that way. As the...

As that letter just sits before your sad and untoward door. Go ahead, it's just... I'm gonna read the letter. It is from the Bald Eagle Bar Association. As your heart drops. You read the letter and are officially, curtly, but politely informed that you have been disbarred for violating the crimes of both Critterkind and the Almighty.

And while this could not be proven in a court of law, you are prohibited from practicing law for as long as you may live. Uh-oh. Are you okay? Do you need me to help you with your Polaroid?

Fuck! And that's where we'll end the session! Let's fucking go! Uh-oh. What does this mean for Mr. Shulker? Wow, what a session, Mike. Welcome, Mace! Welcome, Mace! Welcome, Mace Lee! I didn't know this was like this. Welcome for the first time again. You think Witchlight isn't hinged? You have no fucking idea. Welcome to Uprooted.

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