Uprooted | S2E10 | Crazy Style
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Booker and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time.

So which way to the Forbidden Wind? Get out of the hallway quick! And so we did. We ushered ourselves into the wing. Oh, there's the bell again. The dead rest in the cathedral. Oh, he's a clever character. You see, he hates Mondays. Oh, and he has an appetite for an, uh, auto-tallion dish known as Le Sauvignon. I'm Professor Albin Eberhard von Fuzz.

Is there something shorter we can get a nickname? I'm never gonna remember that. I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm just gonna remember Fuzz. He seeks a bride? To join him, I feel he has designs to take over the Timwood and turn it to a land of death. He has bound a demon to himself. How did he do that? A foul demon. I dare not speak its name. Are you sure? I get the feeling you want to say its name. I'm getting that vibe. You're gonna die soon. You better say it. His name...

most evil creature I've ever encountered in my studies. Seer cool. No visitors in the dungeon, especially in premium skeletons, Boca game. Death reigns here. You see the small vole and the gray crow and their corpses as he looks in and says, oh, they are ready. I see them. You have not witnessed this.

You are forbidden to witness these things. He grabs his ladle. There's another bowl. He says, Here is the necropolis I call. I'll cast, I'll cast. Here too. I'll tell more. I'll tell more. Live. Live. Live, Mars. I can see both of them open their eyes. And that's what I'm saying. You are all standing.

as Wygor is chanting, the cauldron, the pot, the bucket of the Necropolis Ikor, it's almost glowing, as these two, the bell bongs for its last time, as both of these people that Bitsy had very clearly, you saw Bitsy kill them, or at least you had heard, you'd seen their corpses hitch to the coach of the coachman, the wolf.

And you see the crow and the vole, and they both rise as they look forward, and their eyes are glowing the same blue-green of the Necropolis Icor, as they both go... ... ... ...

"Oh yes, yes. They are risen. I told you death reigns here. You are needed at the feast. I wish you hadn't rung the bell so much. My knee is so brittle, there's a lot of stains. Praise Sir Gull and his blah-ha-blats." I turn to Grumly and I say:

Wow, look at that. These effects are really amazing. I mean, goodness gracious. Look at that. We're pretty sure we saw those guys die, right? I mean, how'd they do it? That's a pretty cool party trick. Well, they probably were dead. They probably took, like, a sleeping potion or something. No, they were dead. You can't rise from the dead. That's what I'm saying. This is a great trick. A one-to-one trick. Like magicians or something. Oh, do you think Cal Morlag is one of those magicians? He might be. Has to be. Look at this thing. Oh.

What do you think? "Wygore, what's your special effects budget?" Yes! The special effects! "You know, are those like robots inside and you just put their gross skins over them?"

No, Count Morlock said that it was too expensive to use practical effects. This is all green screen. With Count Morlock, did he ever perform on the strip in Las Purvas? Las Purvas? Yeah. A place of great power. A place of sin.

Ah, really? A place of all-you-can-eat buffets. Sign us up. I'll say that. That sounds quite nice. Let's leave the dim wood behind. Head on over to there. Come on. A place of sleazy, easy tourists. Look, you've already sold us, all right? You don't have to save me. We're there. We've got the tickets in the car. Oh, to Las Pervas. Oh, it's not a... It is a quick trip from the Hollywood...

It's actually not bad for a weekend trip. In terms of budget? Oh, yeah, it's quite affordable and doesn't take that long to get there. It's a good time, especially if you plan ahead. Have you ever been? I said, have you ever been? When the master lets me get a weekend away.

Once every decade. Is that where you secured the Margaritaville machine? Ah, no. You just go to a Margaritaville there. They need no machine. It is a whole realm of Margarita.

And the whole ville of Margarita! How long ago was your last vacation? When did you get the last, you know, when was the last trip? Now that you mention it, it was nine years, 11 months. Are you going, coming up? That's great. I forgot. A decade's a long time. Yes, it is. Not so long to the dead. Oh, yeah.

Hey Booker. Yeah? What's a green screen? That beats me. I have no idea. Oh. Well, it's not real. Because, you know, once you die, that's it. It's all just tricks. Oh no, no, I assure you. What? Their bodies have been reanimated with the power of Zircon.

He sprays some of the Icor around. Get that on me! That'll sting my coat! It's a really great performance. I'm buying it, you know? They probably made so much money in Lost Purpose. Siakul's like, you know, he's your SFX guy, you know? Oh no!

He's a demon of hell. - He's really committed to his pen. - Oh, Sekul is a forbidden demon. He is what gives the master his great life. We have imprisoned him in the bowels of the castle. That is forbidden knowledge that only I and the master know. - You just told us. - And the skeletons.

Are they... Are all the dead people here like this? They walk around and they groan and they... Ah, yes. The necropolis. We build a city of the dead. That's why he needs the foulest and vilest of all professions outside of a bailiff. I'll say he needs a tax accountant. That's what I mean, a lawyer. LAUGHTER

They're powerless professions. Yeah, Jean-Claude's not so evil. He's a good guy. Well... He is. Grumly. He's helped us out a lot. No, I mean, he's helped us out, certainly. But his means are...

You remember when he shit in that guy's drawer? I mean, that was funny. That wasn't evil. It was like pure liquid. That was amazing. It wasn't even like a turd you could clean up. No. With like a single napkin. I'm going to be honest with you. That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. He threw away the whole drawer. Jean-Claude is A-OK in my book after that. That's how I knew he was on the team. Oh, he was replacing that old desk. One drawer wasn't going to fix that. Besides, he got us all off.

Oh, that's fair. He did get us off. And we had that kitchen escapade. With the sandwiches and the map reading. Oh. Grumly, I thought we were getting closer. No, we are getting closer. I mean, just because you're morally dubious doesn't mean you're not my friend. Then I wouldn't be friends with anybody. Yeah, I mean, but it is important to know that if one of us had to be sacrificed, we would all vote that it would be you. We're still at the bottom of the totem pole.

Yes. Oh, you're still here. Wait. When you do, when one must be sacrificed, you always go for the chicken first. Is that a rule? Is that something we should... Okay, you know what I mean. Yes. Okay. They keep mentioning...

your people down in Las Bergas. Chickens? Oh, yes. It's because I always try to mack on some honeys. And they always say they need a big cock. Oh, have you ever been to Cluckers? What in the hell? No, no. Big Cluckers on the other hand.

That's actually a novelty shop in, uh, whatever that clearing was. Um...

When you said that whole thing about a literal demon from hell in the basement, that's sort of like a turn of phrase, so to speak, because I have a phobia of that. Yes, of course. I'd have a real problem if that was actually in the basement. Yes, it is just a turn of phrase. If by turn of phrase you mean turn the deepest truths from reality, from the deep,

Howls of hell to bring a demon to this world, yes. This is all very riveting. I do have a question though. Oh, you require more Necropolis Eiger. Ah, yes, yes, drink. All right, well, while you're doing that. Also full of undeath. Do you like working for the Count?

Do you like working for the Count? The Master? Do you like him? Do you know a good guy? Do you like working here? The Master? Yeah. I mean, like, ten years is a long time to get a single weekend off. I live, I serve. So if you die, you don't serve? If I die, I... The Master wouldn't permit me to die. I don't think. LAUGHTER

That's like, I'm pretty sure I'm too important. That's my favorite moment. I think I'm too important. I'm digging it. I'm putting the chips on that one right now. I'm going all in.

i have had the plague for so long yet i still live you've had the one the plague you have a plague the plague what kind of plague oh the plague you don't look too sickly i mean you're old as hell and you're you're banged up but oh the plague you don't look sickly oh drink up drink up yes death reigns here you don't look diseased

Oh, yes. Sickle. Sickle. He looks diseased. Oh, look at him. He looks a little diseased. No. Sir, are you contagious with the plague and all? Yeah, plagues. Plagues, you know, they suggest being highly contagious. Should we not be near you? Oh, yes, highly contagious. Oh, no. We use it this way.

- He did make that one margarita, and then we all shared it around. - No, while he was making the margarita, he was muttering about how he transmitted the plague to everyone he came in contact with. - Oh, he's been spitting everywhere too. It's probably all over everything we consume. - I'm coughing. - Ugh. - I have a very strong immune system. - I mean, I feel all right. - You see they start to kind of move a little bit, and they get up and look at Bitsy. - What?

You sit back down! You hear me, you undef? Oh no, no, death reigns here, you don't reign here, my life doesn't reign here. I haven't done anything I've said. There's no point, Vincent. They start to kind of like slowly get up. Yes, yes, rise, live Mars, live Mars. Live Mars. That's not canon. We're gonna get sued. Rise. We got a lawyer, that's alright. Yeah, that's true.

Mr. Weigel, how do you kill that that does not live? What are you looking at? Stop looking around. Look at Betsy. She's talking to you. How does one... One of his eyes is looking at me. How does one kill that which does not live, that whose dead may never die? So therefore... That's true. Therefore the master cannot die.

He cannot be destroyed, especially if some cat in the dungeon said something about that. That's not true. That guy's a fucking liar. Did you just say that the master's dead? He walks, but he is of death. Returned! Returned from the gravedirt bicycle. I'm a pirate. Well, I'll see what gravedirt. He's an undead magician. Yeah.

Okay, that's clever. Yeah, it's, you know, it's all right. It's all special effects, I think. He said something about a green screen. No, it's all real. Grumbly, I fucking killed those guys and they're walking around.

- What's a green screen? - I don't know, but that's what he said. - They're probably using fishing wire to like puppet him around. I bet if we just like looked around, we'd find the mechanism that's moving the ROMs this way. - I look for fishing wire that might-- - Make a perception check. As they stand out of the coffin and out of the crypt. - Thank you. - As they--

Let's deal with this. That's why I do it there. Excuse me. How many of the twists is a 19? Oh! Oh, I'll take this one. Wow, 23. The magic twist. You look and you really do see it, that there is no fishing wire. There's no fishing wire. As they start going, looking towards you as their glowing teal eyes begin filled with menace and hate. I think those guys hate me. No!

This is Locked on Bitsy? Oh yeah. They look like they're in love with you. They need to feast. Wago, tell those guys to chill out. I don't like their attitudes. Oh, feast. Did you say feast? Yes. There's a feast. We are supposed to get going. With the master. That's starting now. Soon, right? Pretty soon. It starts soon. Okay, that's what we said. Thank you. How soon? How soon?

How soon? Well, you told us soon, like two episodes ago, and it still hasn't happened, so. Oh, two episodes. I forgot. You're not cooking the feast, right? I forgot to devour Stanfox and friends.

I'm us away wait wait wait where you go who's preparing this feast I want to know bitsy is it your plague disgusting hands what's going on here oh no death reigns here that doesn't answer my question you must away to the Tivo so now we're stuck here with these like these fake dead people we gotta kill these guys again

Why don't we just walk away from them? Like, this is all much of a moment. Okay. They're not real. Let's go. They start, like, grabbing for you. Hey! Get your hands off of me! You rogue freak! I'll put you down again! I'm gonna take out...

Jar of grease. I'll just cast grease on him and I just throw grease all over them. Now they're stuck here forever. Well done! I'm gonna walk over there. I'm gonna walk over there and be like this. Like Sauron, man.

I'm going to grab Bitsy by your throat and just throw you away. I'll be like, "Get away from those freaks! Come on, come with us, Bitsy! We're getting out of here!" I look around very briefly for a sconce or a torch. Oh yeah, no, there were sconces. Yeah, there's absolutely-- especially outside of this crypt. Can one of you guys just throw that torch on them and go dead real quick? I do exactly what she says.

There, look, more special effects. Look at how lifelike it looks. It's very real. That's not a special effect. You threw a torch on a guy. That's a lot of heat. They're screaming. They're in pain. They threw grease on him and you threw a torch. It's fine. I didn't throw grease on them. I created grease from the ether. Oh, that smells. That burning flesh, that is real.

You can smell the hair. They really never die. Let's get out of here. Come on. We gotta go. This is a nightmare. We walk away. The flame turns a bright teal, and you hear a voice from the flame. Ruffin, ruffin, ruffin.

They really went all out for this. I'm going to get some fresh air, and I'm going to leave. I'm going to walk back out. I didn't realize this was a dinner theater experience that we were getting. Me neither. This is so cool. Unbelievable. Oh, not sir cool, so cool. So cool. Not so cool. Make a... Oh, no. Make a wisdom saving throw. Okay, hold on. I have to grab a dice out of this. The shy Halassi. The sir cool. A wisdom save, you said? Here's a twist.

You think? Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Okay. Remember, you have to roll until you get a 20. Nope. That was a 19. So I have to roll until I get a 20? Uh-huh. Thank you for the twist, Chad. What is that one? I can read this one. An 8? Okay. I think? Oh, that was almost a 20. That was very close. That was a 1. Okay. 1 is close. That means 20 is right around the corner. Okay. That's a 2. Okay. Thanks for the twist, Chad. Thanks for the twist. Thanks for the twist.

Oh my god, like, how many times do I have to stick my hand in a shy Holossi? Oh, that was a d12. That was a d12. That doesn't count. That's a d12. That's a d12. 12? Oh, 12? This is, uh... It's hard to... Huh? 14? That's a golden number. I have one of those. You're gonna roll, like, 20 of these fucking things. These are for the twist caps. Natural 20! Natural 20! You feel like you've narrowly avoided into Monik's possession.

Narrowly. As the withered forms of these zombies burn away as they're screaming and breakdancing on the grease, as this voice in the flames is calling out. I would begin to, like, make my way out to get some fresh air, because I'm sure the place is filling with smoke, and...

and the fumes of burning undead flesh. And I would just, you know, hey, we got a dinner to get to. We got a feast to get to. Do we know where to go? No, but I don't want to stay here. It's awful down here. I'm getting sick of these mediocre effects. We definitely have to get out of here. Yeah, I mean, if we stick around watching all of the practice for the actual show that we're going to see later, it's not going to be as impactful or interesting because we already know what to expect. It's impressive the first time you see it, but after that, it's like, meh.

Grumly is insistent. I have grabbed ahold of Bitsy to keep her away from these freaks. And then, you know, I'm getting up. Come on, let's get out of here. I'm going, I'm going. I'm following Booker casually. You do that as the voice calls out, As it echoes and fades as...

You no longer hear the gong of the bell. Well, if we know that dinner's going to be soon, sometime within the next two episodes, then maybe we should go back to our room and get dressed into something. I mean, we're having dinner with a count, right? We can't be covered in Margaritaville machine juice and...

blood and ick-er from whatever that was. I wouldn't mind cleaning up. Yeah, I mean, I gotta be honest with you, this is about the best I've got. I don't really have other clothes. If they've got other things for us to wear, then certainly, but, you know, not one for my fancy things. This is a castle. I'm sure there's clothes everywhere.

That's fair. I mean, we should really, really try and dress to the nines. I mean, we've got to count what we're trying to impress. Okay. That sounds good to me. I'll say I could use a wash. This is about my finest, but I could go for a cleaning. Let's go find the showers. Anyone need a wax or an asshole bleaching or anything? Whoa. Whoa. I'm good. I'm going to pass on that one. To them, okay. I'll take you up on both of those. That sounds great. Fantastic. Fantastic.

I mean, we're gonna see a count. Yeah, you gotta make sure you're all smooth and fragrant. Are you sure you want to pass? I'm certain. I'm very certain. That sounds unpleasant. You are your father's son. That's what I've been told. We would attempt... I'm good. I'm present. We would attempt to head back to our quarters. Where we will search for showers and clothes. Yeah, attempt to get cleaned up before this feast.

Yeah, you do find that there is a singular washroom with a tub, and there is a fireplace in this where you think that large basins of water would be here. You find that, and there's a couple of bars of soap, of lye, and there's some gross stuff. There's some hairs. There's a lot of hairs in that.

I'm like 99% here, that's, you know, whatever. Big deal. Yeah, okay. We've shabbat over the worst. But it's very communal. It's very communal. Wait till you see that lie when I'm done with it. Good lord. All right, well, I guess this is it. I gotta find some of the clothes, though. I mean, these are a mess, the threadbare. Have you checked the yarmulke?

I didn't. You know, I didn't want to really go snooping around. Well, this is the room you're staying in, right? Yeah, but, you know, I was really freaked out after that skeleton walked in, even though it turned out to be pretty cool. It was still... I didn't want to go poking around. How do you think they did that? You know, I don't know. And then we saw them playing poker. That was crazy. I'm telling you guys. They were clearly off the clock at that time because they had an attitude. Oh, they were pissed. They were dead, and now they're...

They're not dead. It's all tricks. I'm telling you. I killed those two fuckers. They're walking around the break dance. How do you know that that's not all part of the show? Well, you're intended to kill them on the way in so that that part of the performance is more impactful. I twisted that crow's neck all the way around 360 degrees. I felt the crunch. No, you didn't. Birds can twist their heads 365 degrees around. You're thinking of owls. This was a crow. So?

I'm just saying that it was all limp and crunchy. Uh, Bitsy, I'm just, I'm not convinced. You can't explain to me in any way the dead can come back and walk around. It can't happen. I think there's a demon in the basement who's keeping all these people alive and it started with glass. Do you hear yourself? You've said some crazy things and this is the craziest thing you've ever said. You guys never listen to me. That's true. If you had a demon in the basement of your hutch...

What would you do with your life? Would it look like spending time with a plague-ridden rat thing that keeps ringing a bell? I'd probably scare him out of there. I don't want to mess him with the secrets of the universe.

Holy crap. This just opens up so many more questions. I do have to say, I think it's easier to believe that you're perhaps just bad at murdering than it is to believe that there's a demon trapped beneath this castle and they're raising the dead. All right, I...

Look, Betsy, it's understandable. I mean, remember when I tried to snap that guy's neck and I failed miserably? It's embarrassing. I totally get how you feel, but you didn't see me go making up a crazy story about demons and people walking the dead? I know you don't believe me, but you just wait. They're real skeletons, okay? Look, Betsy, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just, it's implausible. It's crazy. To be fair, they technically are real skeletons because we all are just walking skeletons covered in meat. It's different.

They were dead, I swear. It was a costume. You know what? I'm gonna leave you to that. I'm gonna go see if I can find some nicer clothes. And I go back to my room to check out your armoire. Yeah. To see if I can find better clothing. Yeah. That might fit me. You open the armoire. What do you find in there? What do you find in there, Andy? I would imagine some, like, ancient...

like out of place timeline clothing. I have not yet seen, Andy has not yet seen Nosferatu. But I would imagine that there would be some like Victorian, I don't know what time period it is, with the 1800s? You look like a, what you find in there is a fanciful dandy pirate.

I think I can pull this off. All right. And if you push past the clothes, we can transition into the Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to go in. Oh, it's just me, Mrs. Ah! Shut up. Shut up. I don't know where you came from. Shut up. Get out of here.

Oh my god, there's another pervert in the armoire! Oh, but my track is delayed! A goat leaps out of the armoire, attempts to warn you about Sir Kool. His neck snaps as he screams, and you see as he's floating, his hooves are dragging, clattering across the ground. Oh my god, that's horrific. I'm never going to get that out of my brain.

I would take the clothing and lay it out on the bed and survey it and take a look at what it looks like. Yeah, it's a little musketeery. And I'd probably dust it off. Oh, it's very dusty. Try to get it in good shape. And then once I feel like I feel good about the clothes, I would go clean up and then prepare to be ready for the feast. Okay. I think that's exactly it. It's not hard. It's a communal tub. It takes a while to heat up.

Oh! Didn't you already say that? As you're bathing. For a long while. As you're bathing. Okay. Scrubbing my furry raccoon ass. The door starts to...

Tringle. Not again. Hey, did that skeleton tell me his name? Doug. Hey, Doug, somebody's in here. If that's you, buddy, it's Booker. It's your good buddy, Booker. Doug, the bathroom's taken. Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. I'll move back later. Is it really Doug? Oh, thank God. I kind of mutter half out loud to myself, but like, oh, God, thank God it was Doug. I was worried it might be somebody else. And you get dressed. I go back and I get dressed?

What's in my armor? What do you find? You tell me. You're the DM. You find a crushed velvet robe. You look like, what you find there is effectively a very cheap and poor Renaissance King Henry VIII.

style. But it's like cheap Amazon crushed velvet. I've never seen clothes so nice. Are there like disgusting mustard stains? Absolutely. Oh yeah. It is covered in grease and mustard. It's a little crusty. Crusty dusty. I'll get dressed for dinner. I'll go back and look in my armor after having been bleached and waxed. I'll look in. We're going to look in the same armor.

What you find there is a pair of perfectly matching, pristine white wedding dresses. I was really hoping it was going to be the outfit Cher wore and if I could turn back time. You actually pull it back and that is hanging up. Oh, we got choices. What do you think? I mean, I'm feeling the wedding dress, so if you want the Cher one... I'll wear the Cher one.

It's a good thing I shaved. I too would like to check my armoire. You check your armoire and you see a beautiful seersucker suit. It looks like a creamsicle. As it lurches out and you realize it is the corpse of your brother, Sean Luke, as he collapses into you. Oh! Oh!

As he looks like he's drenched and soaking, as the cold, swampy water hits you, as his head snaps around and he says, I say, I say, three nights, I say, I say, I do not suffer my fate. I say, I say, Jean-Claude, you really need to

You really need to stop pissing so damn loud! It's the middle of the night and you're pissing directly into the bowl, Jean-Claude! You gotta piss on the sides like a stealth mission! But also don't be a lawyer, Jean-Claude! Learn from my mistakes! Don't get mixed up and get killed by a bunch of goons! And then you look and he's gone. I'll say, I'll say.

What the hell is going on around here? Is the suit still there? Oh no, it was his suit. Oh! Tun tun tun! Oh did you hear that, Bitsy? It sounds like Jean-Claude's at the sex again. He's doing a little pre-gaming before feast time. Probably smart. Yeah. Yeah. If I hadn't put on this shoes outfit, I'd be trying to find a two-bag ton. What might you find in there, Jean-Claude?

I think, is it fair to say, I think I would find Radigan's, Radigast's outfit. I think, yeah, Professor Radigan's outfit. Professor Radigan's outfit. With like a black cape and the, am I thinking of the right person?

Yeah, no, you're right. Like a neck kind of... A cravat. A cravat around and like a dashing suit. It feels very regular. It is very much not made for a bird. But surprisingly the proportions are the same. You make it work. Yeah, you're busting the seams a little bit. Oh, so there's a little tart in all the raw places. A little bit of shmeedy. Oh, yes, exactly. And a top hat and a cane.

Well, that was horrific in about all the ways you could imagine. But, you know, I'm looking pretty sharp and feeling, well, packed tighter than a sausage in summer. So, I return. I go to meet up with everyone. I mean, that's what we're doing. Yeah. You all meet up. At the feast. You all meet up in the hallway. Okay.

Oh, this close! This close! Look at you guys! You guys look amazing! Oh! Sean Claude, what is that? What's that material? What is that, boyfriend material? And you! Brodly, look at this! Crushed velvet! Velvet's not the only thing you're gonna be crushing later! You guys look great! You look beautiful, Peggy! Unbelievable! Whoa! Good lord!

Like where your head's at. Don't know where you found that, but... It was in the armoire. It was right behind two wedding dresses. Yeah, there's... Oh, so you opted not to wear the same thing. No, I have both wedding dresses on current. That way she could get naked twice. Thinking ahead?

I always do. They're gonna have... Peggy? Yeah? Could you turn the mic towards your face when you speak? Just because no one can hear you very well because it's pointed the opposite way. That's fair, yeah. I was eating fries. That's... Yeah. I'll say, Booker, you sure are passing it out, but you're looking pretty sharp yourself. Oh, it's a little old thing I found in the armoire. Look, it's much better than my normal digs. You guys know me. I'm not really about the finer things. This is a nice change.

Everyone's looking so nice. This is going to be a lovely meal. Grumly, you look like the philosopher from the Crooked Moon. It's so nice. Oh, that's my favorite subclass! Oh my gosh! Surely I will. Who's the 65th? Oh, who goes there? It's us. Again? The feast is about to begin. I didn't hear no bell. All of the guests.

"I have-- I'm taking their places." You're late! What are you doing? Are you kidding me? The master is waiting! I think my costume's missing the dwarf in the flask accessory. Or maybe I just couldn't find it. Could you help me look for it? "Very well." I'll say my room needs a little more pitch, if you wouldn't mind.

Guy left by bucket of pitch down the stairs. Well... We'll leave you in peace. Goodbye. It's getting louder. This is terrible. At least I get to go on vacation very soon. And perhaps retire after it. Probably live happily ever after. That's definitely not going to happen.

- Bitsy, you follow the group as you all head towards the feast hall, which you had seen earlier. And you feel a bit of a chill and you feel like there are eyes watching you. - I should have worn more clothes. - It's a little chilly. You feel the hair on the back of your, the unwaxed hair on the back of your neck prick up and you feel like you hear a voice, almost whisper, a ghostly voice.

What is that voice? It sounds so auto-tuned. Did you say something? Did you say something, Betsy? Did you hear that voice? No.

Sounds like some sort of a motionless machine. I just hear your voice. It's just yours. It was unnervingly quiet until you said something. I hear, I heard a voice. The hair stuck up on the back of my neck. I think that there's something following me. Are you saying you're hearing things that aren't there? Maybe. Well, I've been seeing my brother since we've been here.

- This place has a way of-- - I just look at Peggy. - I'll say stop to her annoying glances. - What are your annoying glances? - Yeah, seeing your brother, huh?

Jean-Claude's been having really good time with my brother. Every time he shows up, he's dead, however. And he's usually haunting me and saying something terrible. Why did Gordon say, death reigns here? Maybe he is dead and he's here. Well, one can only hope. I think this place just has a way of playing tricks on our minds.

That's why I heard the voices, what you're saying? It's possible. It's possible. It's why we're seeing the things that we are, including the happenings at the Necropolis. Thank you, John. You're welcome. That was very reassuring. That's a good thing. You're welcome. As you continue on. Oh, the feast is right here! Hello, everyone!

Hurry, hurry! He's coming! We make it to the bottom of the stairs. I'm gonna do all the raincoats. I'm gonna leave my pants. Don't worry. Don't worry, I got this. I'll cast some more grease. I'm gonna throw grease all over you. Oh, he's dead. He's fucking dead.

- You have people behind you as you're going down the stairs and you hear the - And you see a horrible man, like a ski goat man. And slide. Completely covered in grease. Just completely spit out. - Oh, who's that?

Oh, that's not... Why, Gore? No. Hello? Has anyone seen this guy before? Does he look familiar? He looks like the guy that popped out of your armoire. Uh-oh. Who warned you about Zirkel? He said that his name was Mr. Duffins. Okay, guys, quick explanation. Did you know this guy? I don't know him. He's more of an acquaintance. He popped out of the armoire, like one of those perverts back in the mansion.

Just keep following me. Where'd I go? There's perverts, perverts, perverts. Anyway, he started jumping out, talking about that demon in the basement. I was yelling about it. I don't know. And then he just kind of, like, stroked out or something. And maybe you've now killed him. No, I didn't touch him. He was trying to warn us about the demon in the basement. Yeah, but we know it's not real. Look at him. Oh, God, his neck's all twisted. Oh, no. I don't think his legs should be at that angle. No, no, he had to try right out of the socket like that.

Peggy, what have you done? Oh, I didn't touch him. You've judged him. I judged him? Well, if you're the creator of the universe, you smote him. He's been smitten. Oh, you think he likes the way I look in this dress? Well, I mean, I don't know about that, but you definitely smote him. Well, I mean...

Really, who's to say whose fault it is that he chose to walk onto the grease that was right in front of his pet? Oh, that's a good point. That's very fair. We should probably get out of here. We don't want to be seen with this guy if he really is dead. Certainly not in the scene of the crime. If we were to call this a crime, we wouldn't want to be here. I'm going to walk over to him and place the empty bottle of grease right next to him. What's this?

Oh, that's classic. He just greased himself. Very large flies buzz past you and start flying around. Okay, that's our sign. Let's get out of here. Oh, he's dead. Let's all just agree not to speak of this, okay? Death reigns here. Should we burn him? No, no, I don't want to be any more involved than we already are. As soon as you say that, you hear the scraping as he starts to move a little bit. See? He's alive. Look, he was definitely dead around. Let's get out of here. He's moving. I don't want anything to do with any of this, all right? Look at him!

Come on, let's go! Let's go, please! I just want a feast. That's all I want. You eventually go through the castles. You hear a as you follow the voice of Wygor, as you find your way to the Great Feast Hall, as you open a huge double doors into a room of shadows.

As you see the very far end of the room, there is a very, there's a huge fireplace with a very small fire within. A single log is burning, casting shadows that dance across the room. And you see the silhouettes in this place. As you just see shadows sitting on these tall back chairs around this feast table. As you...

as you see at the head by this fireplace, is a very tall and imposing shadow with two large pointed ears with a great furred cape, almost as if it's wearing armor that you had seen in the portraits, sitting at the head of the table. And you hear immediately, "That's him!"

That's the voice on the phone. That's him. That's Count Morlock. Oh, that's the master. Yeah, you can tell from the death-rattling voice. You are late to do the feast. All I can hear is Grumly. He's right in my ear. What? No, it's okay, buddy. This is your normal thing. This is what you do. I've learned to live with it. Does it look like you know where we should sit?

I look to see if there's any like open chairs that are not like engulfed in shadow. It's all very dark. It's hard to tell. As you see, you can't tell. Hail Lord Morlock. Count. Oh, damn. I would have said Lord is nice. Anyway, doesn't matter. Okay, Count Morlock. Got it. We have great appreciations for inviting us to the feast tonight. See?

Are there like signed seats anywhere you want us to sit or just anywhere's fine? Name tags on the table? Yeah. Name tags are on the table. Good luck. I hope you stay together. Which one's mine? You can't read. I can't see. Come on. Just climb up on the table. You know what? Just come with me. And I'm going to start to walk down the left side of the table to see if I can find my spot and see if it's near my friends. You see that the

five places that are closest to the count are empty. As you see that there are the five skeletons that you had seen, they're all sitting there, they're eating. As I pat, "Hey, Doug." Yeah, hey. And you see that also, right next to the seat that says, there's a little tent card that says "Bitsy," you see that there are two charred corpses with glowing blue-green eyes.

as they are groaning. Man, these guys are really committing to the bit. Well, can we burn them? They should be dead now. It's all an act. How? It's green screen. It's all magic. What is that? That doesn't make any sense. It's the magic of effects, you know? SFX. Right, special effects. I sit down in my seat. I've never seen a stage play before. I sit down in my seat. I also sit down. For take of the bounty of the underworld.

- One word of the bounty of the underworld? - Do you need an inhaler? I also have asthma. - What is this asthma? - Why don't you lean forward a little bit? - Your place setting is directly next to him. - Yeah, yeah, lean forward a little bit. - As he leans forward and you see-- - And I'm just gonna spray my inhaler in his mouth. - There is a rotting bat carcass.

I really like your costume. He's covered in wounds. You see that there's maggots crawling within him. How? Within him? Oh, yeah. Your makeup artist did a fantastic job. Just lean forward a little bit. Whoa, that breath. All right, now I'm just going to spritz my inhaler into his mouth. Oh, got a moth. Wow. You just kept that in there. Oh, there were three or four more moths. Actually, that looks delicious, and I'll eat it. You do.

You found the dress I personally left for you. Oh yeah, I got both of them on right now. Why would you put my dresses in Bitsy's closet? This guy is awful, isn't he? So, uh, you're looking for an attorney?

Yes. Oh, I see. Yes, we have heard. I wish to purchase vacation property. Oh, well, I'll have you know that's my specialty. Wow, really? You never told us that before. Oh, wow. I mean, of course. Of course he does. You learn something new about your friends every day. Of course he does. It's all about securing the... Oh, I'm with you. Nope, we're on the same page, brother. Ugh.

Enjoy the bounty, the Chalupa Supreme. The Cantina Chicken Tacos Steak Cheesy Deeping Burrito. Sounds like he's reading off the Cravens menu. A classic stacker.

And don't forget the cheesy fiesta potatoes. I have to say, I was a little worried when I saw the grubs, but then I saw the nachos bel grande. Yes, nachos! I reach for one of those steak things, and I kind of look through it, make sure it's real food, and then if it looks like it's real meat and cheese. It looks like...

The binary of the most vile slop you could possibly imagine, but as soon as you're wasted, the most beautiful nectar of the gods. I look at it, and I'm not quite drunk enough for this. I only had one yard mug at best. And I look at it, kind of, you know, I don't want this visible disappointment on my face. And I'm having a hard time masking it in front of the count. Alright.

I look at Grumly like, "You gotta be kidding me." Oh, this looks fine. I'm gonna have one of these. Grumly, it's... Yeah, you're being polite. He's the bounty of my castle, not to your liking. I cut up a piece and I stick it in my mouth and I'm like, "It's alright." It's very delicious. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. It's been a long day, I'm gonna be honest with you. You know, the more I eat it, the better it tastes. That's weird. Yeah, I don't know. I'll say, Count, you have an M.

Blah Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast Blast

- Come, me lawyers, may they all burn in the hell with their cool. - Oh, not all of them, certainly. Just those that stood in the way of Blah Blast, we imagine. - You present your goblin.

I don't know, I have both of them. Well, I don't want so much of that Igga business. I'll take another margarita. It's blue flavor. I don't know about that, man. Blue flavor's your favorite. I don't think that's a good idea. Why, girl, could I get Sprite? But it turns out they didn't add the syrup, so it's just carbonated.

Yeah, and can I get some seltzer water, but they accidentally put a little bit of Sprite in there, so it tastes a little too sweet and it's not really what I wanted. Yeah, give her my Sprite. We have old foods. How much softness is in this? Winning the underworld, I mean, you might as well. Ooh, a Dorito taco. The chalupas are incredible.

Sorry, Bitsy. Just take another. "I go to settlement next Tuesday."

That's really quick, and you're just now looking for an attorney? Hey, your funeral. I need someone to review the contract. Well, I say I would be more than happy. You've been such a hospitable guest to us, pulled us out of that deep, dark tunnel, away from all of our fears and worries, and put us up in your fine establishment here, in your home, Count Moloch. You've been such a gracious host. I'd be more than happy to take a look at those contracts for you.

You're gonna charge him though, right? Well, of course. I'm in the container. Then of course it's out of here. Hey Booker. Yeah? I'm realizing this is just the same four ingredients rearranged in different ways over and over and over again. Thank you. That's what I've been trying to say, Grumly. It's just one food. It is. That's all this is. The permutations are the same stuff over and over. That's why it tastes the same. These bean burritos are magic.

Hey, it doesn't matter which side you bite on, you only get beans. And then you have to work your way 90% of the way down to get to the cheese. It doesn't matter. Look, I've bitten through 15 of these fucking things. That's always true. It's always beans first. Are you saying you've had 15 fucking burritos? No, I took one bite of 15 burritos. Why don't you just flip it around and bite from the acid?

That's more. I also will need to ensure that the seller is paying closing costs. I realize this is gonna

business dinner. This sucks. What we could probably do is also work out a deal so you can move in ahead of the closing date. I'm sure we can get them to go for that. That's a classic work. And the dead and the demons shall take over the dimwood. There's demons? There's demons in the basement for real? I've been telling them that there's a demon.

Hell rains here. Look, look, look, count, I'm gonna cut in here. Sorry, don't mind me. Oh, no, please, I don't really mind what you do with your vacation home, but... Oh, no, that's what I was gonna bring up. I mean, did you check the radiator, check the water heater, make sure all that's up to date? I mean, you know, if you're buying this place, you might want to pass those costs off onto the seller as well. I mean, it only makes financial sense. It's very important.

I can do that. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you can get all sorts of credits, tax rebates, you know, man. Or maybe get them to fix it before you move in. This is why I need a lawyer. You haven't had any of that done yet? Have you had the home inspected? Good call. You've got to get evaluated. You've got to get appraised. I can do that. It's recommended. Yeah.

This is basic economics. Not really as a recommended. I think it's a legal, I think it's a legal bounds. This is why I need a lawyer. Well. And you must also officiate the wedding to my bride. Oh, you're getting married. Congratulations. Yes, we shall get married as the prophecy foretold. Can you do that? Can you officiate weddings? You and John, are you going to get married?

No, I don't think so. Death, the bride of death, is foretold to be foretold. He said foretold twice. No, the second time he said foretold. Oh, you know, it's the hair in my ears. I even heard that in this movie. Well, I don't know what to tell you, all right? I'm sorry, can you speak up, please, Count? It's hard to hear you over the gravel in your throat. Could you hear me better in the dungeon? Hmm?

All right, all right. This guy threatening us. This guy threatening us. I don't take... Or in the pit through the abyss with Zirku. Okay. Zirku. Hey, carrot, look at me. Hey, I'm talking to you. Oh, the carrot looks at you. I'm getting real sick about hearing about this demon, all right? I'm getting real... I'm gonna tell you right now. Do not fuck with us. We have the power of Night Here and Marquis 8 cartoons on our side, all right? Night Here.

Yeah, that's what I said, buddy. Now you hear him. Hey, little enemy of Zircon. Oh, maybe. Maybe, pal. All right. There will be a very cool demon battle. Whoa, that does sound pretty cool. I'll say it really was all part of the show. That does kind of sound pretty cool. Tell him what level you are. I'm like a level nine night here accolade, okay? I got a card and everything. I flash my card.

Level 9? At least. He gets bonus points. That probably needs to be updated by now. Huh? What do you think of that? I have level 765 with Seer Kool. Well, I'm still not even sure that guy's real, all right? One of us has a real card. Yours looks like a fake. One more sacrifice and I get a free smoothie. Ha ha ha!

Dang, 700 levels for a free smoothie? I can't get anything. At the cafe! The smoothies, they increment them out. It's every, like, 15 or so. That seems crazy. Maybe there's, like, a big one every five, but he's, like, on an oddity or even one or something. Oh, it makes sense. The damn odders didn't give me a good enough, like, pamphlet. You know, I'm flying blind here. Yeah.

I put it back in my wallet. You are powerless in my castle where death reigns. I am its master. I don't know. All I'm saying is a couple prayers to Night here and this whole operation is going to be coming down around you, all right? Impossible. Night here is powerless in the underworld. His domain is of the sea, the rivers, the lakes. All right.

and that participating Long John Silver's location. I love Long John Silver's. They have the best chicken strips of any of the chains. I've never been there. Oh, you should try it. It's spectacular. Now that I'm a member, I should, right? Yeah, their hush puppies are fantastic.

- Fine, but you're really looking for the crunchies that are beneath the strips themselves. - You go to a fish restaurant to get chicken strips? - Hell yeah I do, I don't get, why would I ever get fish at a fast food restaurant? That sounds awful. - That's very upsetting, that's very upsetting, baby. - But why? - But why what? - They serve you garbage and they tell you it's food. - Yeah. - You're paying for that. - It's not much different than what we're doing right now. - You're best friends with a raccoon. - Oh, that's a fair point. - That's a very good point. - You're right, you're right.

How does it work? How does Vodabot work? Undeath, I know I killed these two guys. Oh, they're on here? They're like all burning. They're charred. It's an absolute mess. A churro. Mikey, you want a churro? Churro. Yes, that's me, a churro. You're passing a churro. Is that Sinner Twisters? I'm Sinner Twisters.

May I, Master? May I have one Cinnatwist? It is my vacations. Very well. Oh, Master, thank you. One Cinnatwist for Wygor. That's not even acting. That's not even acting, ladies and gentlemen. It is the nectar of Cinnatwist. Oh, is that good? Could I try one, too?

Oh, you must! You must! You must! Oh! Nicky, you're in danger of the room. You should have twisters. You should have room. You should have twisters. You're in danger. Oh, man. You're all right. A little stale, but... Yes, I only got a little plague on that. A little what? A little plague.

Why, Gore? Are you guys ever gonna bring back the double-decker? It's really good, but they don't offer them everywhere. It's so fucking good. It's like this guy's never had a cinder twist before. Oh, cinder twist. It did look pretty good on you. You're having an experience over here. I'm feeling comfortable. No, you can't blame the guy. Do you want more, Mike? I know some

I must do away to my duties. Really? Before the feast is done? Really? You're just gonna... There he goes. Who goes... Everyone's here. What are you guys asking? Sid and Twister's alphabet. Who is he? Follow me. Follow me. I mean, at his point. I must do away to the kitchen. Get out of here. Goodbye. For this wedding ceremony. Oh. That's... Oh!

Is it your gout flaring up again? Among other things. Just a little bit of the plague. Just a spot of plague. Just a spot of plague. Of course, of course, of course. He must wade to the kitchens. Him a forbidden wing. I told you not to drink that. Oh, God. Come on, man. You should try some. No, no. What does it taste like, though? I'm a little curious. Um...

Really? I don't know. Oh, God! Oh! Oh!

How are you drinking that? Maybe I'm just used to it. You know? I could really use some bourbon in there. Good lord. It's aftertaste. It's stuck to my tongue. Are you guys going to die? I don't think so.

No, it's pretty refreshing, honestly. It makes me want to die. Your eyes are going to turn into like these guys over here. Your eyes are going to glow. Do not listen to this liar he speaks. Lies he does not have imagination.

He speaks ill of the Icur. Hey, don't call me a liar! You must think grander. You must think bigger. You must think outside the bun. Lovely. Lovely. I don't like it when people call me a liar.

I don't think you're a liar, per se, but... Here's the deal. Have you tried it? I did try it. I don't like it when people call me liar. I just mean try to think outside the bun. Have you ever, I mean... Oh, I think outside the bun. Are you sure? Okay, okay. I just, you know. So what if I'm a liar, all right? You can't be calling me a liar. That means I'm not lying very well. I don't think he was calling you a liar. I think he was calling you an alternative truther. I don't know. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like this guy.

I can convince you to stop running your mouth. He throws a bag of gold coins in front of you. I pulled the gold coins a little closer. It jingled. It is hefty. I untie it. A hefty gold coin. Speak no more. Your voice grates on me. It's going to be tough. I mean, this is a lot of gold, but I like to talk. That's what I'm good at. See how long I can last.

Maybe this guy's not so bad. I begin to count the money, like, in front of everybody. I don't care. Like, it's the most tacky thing. Oh, yeah. There's dozens of gold coins. I'm, like, stacking them up and, like... Like doing tricks. Yeah.

Booker, you don't have to stop talking, but I think I've figured out what's going on. Okay, what? Tell us. I think this is a murder mystery dinner party. Oh, really? Oh, that's so exciting. I've always wanted to do one of those. I'll say you I agree. He's acting like he knows who Peggy is and there's some sort of prophecy, so I think we're all supposed to be role-playing our character. The bride of death is foretold.

Oh, I heard it that time. There it was. I heard it. I almost heard it. But Grumly, don't murder mystery dinner parties always start with someone saying, there's been a murder. Has there been a murder? This very night. Oh! You know! Wow! All right, let's play. A murder of my long-term guest. Oh!

- Mr. Tuppence. His body was just found covered in grease. - No. - Sliding towards the ravine. - We've never heard that name in our lives. - Grease? - Mr. Tuppence. - No. - He was like a brother to me. - I would say, I mean, not found by a couple of large flies, was it?

And yes, my dear pet flies found him. Oh, are you sure? And informed me right before you entered here. Well, perhaps it was a domestic accident. Not a murder at all. Maybe he just slipped in his own grease. Very reasonable explanation. Mr. Dubbins is a Dimwood class gymnast. He would never slip. How old was he?

Please say over 40. He was 47. Yes! Oh, no. You know that the most common cause of death for people over the age of 40 is household accidents. That's true. That's so true. Is that true? It's very true. Statistically, it's true.

But we should roleplay our characters to figure out who done it. Because this is roleplaying. Who could have done this thing? It could not have been an accident. He was supposed to be my best. Oh, that's true. Oh, well. They won't he come back and have all glowy eyes and stuff? But it takes time.

The bell must toll for him and he must be prepared with the necropolis ichor. That is where Vygor is going. No, we don't have time for that. Listen to Count Morlock, listen to what he's saying. I'll assume you're planning on getting married like a year from now? Oh, this very night. Oh, this very night. Well, this is not a lot of notice. The night of the murder. Who are you going to marry?

My dearest bride, the bride of death. The one who joined me in life. Was she gonna join us at dinner any time soon? Did we get to meet her? You are the one. I'm the one who what? You want me to do a hair? Yes, you, Margaret. Who Margaret? Oh!

Oh, hold on. I pick up my name tag and I flip it over. Oh, no, look, it says right here, I'm Grumlo Pugginsworth, the philosopher subclass from the Crooked Moon, available at thecrookedmoon.com. Oh, oh, oh. That's who we're playing in. Oh, the dinner theater. Mine says Margaret. You're right. Oh, my God. It says that I'm an alchemist looking for the secret of the philosopher's stone, and that I need to use the laws of equivalent exchange to grant myself eternal life.

Mine just says bouquet. Do you have a thing doing this? I mean, I had nothing to do with the car. Mine just says Margaret, toad bride of death. Mine says chair. No, that says do not remove. Oh. You pulled it off of the cushion? Betty!

Oh, shit. Hey, Benzie, he's going to be sued for that. Oh, no. I need a royal. Well, this is going to charge you. I mean, I think we're up to quintuple. We're so screwed. I have to protect you from the lawsuits of the jail, marry you. You can't protect me.

I've seen some heinous crimes in my day, but not one time not one time have I seen somebody remove the day I've seen some anus crimes, too

I'll bet you have. I don't know how else to say this, but I don't doubt it for one second. There really is no way to say that. And you would be right. But! No! You must have the wedding, and then you will all be sacrificed to Cienku. Well, I don't want that.

Well, too bad. You cannot stop me. I am all powerful in this castle. The doors slam. No! Oh, I broke one of my Dorito tacos again. The bottom always falls out. God, that was loud. I am the master of this castle. I am the master of this underworld. You must do as I say or you will be sacrificed. Well, you'll be sacrificed in the end.

Oh, okay. Is this still part of the play? Is this like, are we still playing the part? Yeah, no, of course. Oh, oh, oh, no, you're right. We're gonna be sacrificed? We're gonna be, oh no! Oh, I better, I better figure out my magnum opus right away. I must get to my studies.

Who's sitting next to me? Like the first non-us. Who's like sitting next to me? It's Doug. Oh, perfect. Hey, Doug. Hey, it's me. It's Booker. Bouquet, if you will. Quick question. I was just enjoying a cantina chicken crispy taco. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt. This is very important. Do you know where

Under the dim wood we are. Like, do you know about the top, like above where all the clearings are and the woods and the pathways? No, I mean, I only know where death reigns. I don't think death reigns up there. You've never been above? You don't remember anything above there? I'm a skeleton. What if I said there were some gold pieces in it for you? Oh, I mean, I...

I'm a skeleton, I have no use for gold. Bones are my money and so are the worms. What? Wow, Doug, get out of town. Are there like maps anywhere? I gotta know where we are, like under the ground. Is there like a map or something? Bones are his money? Bones and worms are our money. You're so rich, look at how many bones and worms you have. Yeah, you've got like 216 money. Yeah, uh...

Also the worms. Are different bones worth more bones or less bones depending on how big the bone is? Yeah. Like that femur, that's gotta go for a lot, right? Compared to your pinky toe? Well, no, we gotta collect them. We gotta keep our bones on. Oh. Hey, Doug. Yeah, what's up? I toss my leg onto the table. You know that frog legs are a delicacy. He's counting, leans forward.

He's a foot guy. Did anybody else see that? Was I the only one? He's always rolled back. I know, I saw it. Yeah, that's a foot guy right there. Oh, yeah. That was not a sniff. That was an inhale. No wonder he wants to buy a Holy Moss Purvis. There's a distinct difference. If there's any way I can find out where we're at, I need to know. I gotta know.

Death doesn't reign up there. Okay, but this is river. River runs all through the dim wood. And I think we might be underneath of it. The lakes, the rivers, I think we're underneath of it. A river. Giant one. Big one. And you know what's at the bottom of every river? Bones. Well, that too, for sure. What kind of bones? Everything that dies and falls into the river. When someone murders someone and wants to get rid of the body, river.

Also, worms live there. Yeah. In the river. Worms rain there. I did lose all of my worms in the poker. Ah, I'm sorry to hear that.

Let me talk to the guys. Let me know just what you find. Like, some gold pieces for anybody who's interested. Come on, guys. And they all get up and they all stand up and they do this. And they all join hands. And they circle off. They circle off as they then circle off. See ya, Doug. It's always a pleasure. And then they all put their arms together. Always a pleasure, Doug. They do a little silence jig as they whisper to each other.

Doug's such a nice guy. He really is. Oh, wow. He almost walked in on me while I was in the bath, which, again, was weird. We keep running into each other, you know? But was he polite about it? Of course. Oh, what a people could have been. It's almost like he's drawn to you. It's weird. Our paths keep crossing. You just have that electric personality. That's very kind of you. Magnetism. Thank you.

Animal magnetism. Thank you. You're welcome. I think that there's a demon in the basement that's causing all these dead people to come to life. And that you're gonna be forcibly married to Count Morlock and then we're all gonna be murdered. No, it's a role play. Her name is Martha. Margaret. Margaret. We need you to calm down, Biffy. This is crazy. This bitch is crazy. You're ruining the mood tonight. Hey, don't you talk about our friend that way. You don't call her a bitch.

I think she needs some medicine. That's not a nice thing to say to people you don't even know. Bring the heroine. Maybe he's not such a bad guy. Maybe he's not such a bad guy. Maybe you can say what you'd like to say. Ah, he is a... Occuban. Come hither, manservant.

No, wait, you don't... He is always late. Useless. He needs a vacation. It's been nine years. And like 11 months. And 11 months, yeah, that's quite... God knows how many weeks he takes. He will enjoy his guaranteed PTO. He submitted it very late. I may not approve it. How late, if I may ask? I'm just curious. Seven months later.

Like, like he waited, like the last seven months of his ten years he waited? Yes! How far in advance do you normally require your employees to- Three years! I mean look, I gotta be honest, it's getting hard to defend Weigel. I mean like he's just, you know, he's not following the rules.

I really want to stick up for the guy, but if he's not following the protocol, the policy, there's not much we can do. If you can't do the job, you can't do the job. Three years is a lot of runway, but he's had seven years to figure out the vacation. I guess he just stuck.

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a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. Booker, I think we're going to die here. I don't think that's true. This is all, it's all a mystery science theater, I mean dinner theater, whatever we're calling it. Mystery dinner is it? Yeah, it's a whole dinner theater thing. Oh, I trust you.

I certainly wouldn't like to get sacrificed at the end of a wedding. Why wouldn't that be terrible? That sounds awful. To be honest though, if you think about it, being sacrificed is a pretty bitchin' way to go. I mean, it's better than dying from a heart attack or falling down a stairs by slipping in your own grease.

That is a terrible way to end. Poor Mr. Tuppence. Yeah, may he rest in peace. He was too young at 47. He was just a kid. Yeah, pull one out for old Tuppence. Yeah, pull one out. Poor Tuppence. May he rest in Greece. That's right. But my dear bride was foretold.

Who would leap? Who would hop? Who will bounce on this crazy style? Wow, is he saying what I think he's saying?

- On it? - Yeah. - Is he talking about-- - Who is it? - Is he saying what I think he's saying? This guy's a pervert. - I think he's talking about his cock and balls. - These guys are perfect. - I think he's asking you to do tricks on it, crazy stuff. - You know, it's nice-- - Crazy stuff. - It's nice to know that my reputation precedes me, honestly. - I think you really emphasize the crazy stuff. - Is that something you do? Is that like a Peggy specialty? - There's a reason they call me Crazy Frog.

Oh, is that the... Crazy Frog. We will listen to the electronic remix of Beverly Hills Cop theme on repeat whilst we do it after the wedding. It's not something I've tried, but I'm not saying no. Well, just one more backdoor crime for the books. That's a pretty hard tempo. You can keep that up for long.

Yeah. It is what's old. It's not gonna be my stamina you gotta worry about. I don't like this conversation. How does it always end up like this? There's perverts everywhere, we're talking about things we shouldn't be talking about at dinner. It's just like... It's just one meal, that's all you're asking. I know, I know. I don't ask for much. It's almost like we're uprooted, colon dimwits of the dimwood. I mean, Bromley, what did I do to deserve this? You know...

Perhaps this is our fate, Booker. I just, when can we go? Are we done? Count, this has been a lovely dinner. No, we need to get sacrificed. Oh, are we going to get executed at dawn? No, the show's over. Look, I want to go, I got to go find my dad. He's got to be around somewhere. I have to do all this loitering. It's like your dad was dead. You must review the contract. We have a wedding to go to. Then you must all be executed in dramatic style.

Mr. Morlock? Yes, crazy, crazy. You are crazy. Do not trust anything you think or say. We can just, we can drop the act. Your mind is lying to you. She's crazy.

I have a question. Am I going to be sacrificed before or after the wedding? You will be sacrificed, but then rise again as my bride in death after I feast upon your froggy, freaky flesh. Okay, well, yeah, I'm signing on to that. But is that going to happen before or after the wedding? Oh, that is after the...

72 hours of freaky-style crazy frog on the creepy- Jeez, right in front of my burrito. Like, come on. Here's the thing. 72 hours? Yeah, but let's say I actually do get sacrificed. What a way to go, am I right? After 72 hours of freaky crazy frog?

We are going to party like it's 2003. It's gonna be animal style like In-N-Out. What does that even mean?

I don't know. Look, this has been lovely, Count. This dinner, the entertainment has been great. We can just drop the act now, right? You just let us go. We can go back up to the Dimwood. It'll all be great. We appreciate the hospitality. Thank you for everything. This was very satisfactory. It's been acceptable. It's been great. The meal's been pretty good. It was fine. It was mid at best. Your taco salad was mostly chips. There wasn't any toppings at all. Well, I go ahead all the center twisters, but...

Where on earth? He took all of the Sinner Twister. Yeah, he took them with him. You didn't see those? I am going to deny his PPO. Oh, no. Don't do that. Now he's been calling to Margaritaville for so long. Well, you can't steal from your employer, brother. Perhaps he can try to go to Las Pervis in another decade.

Oh, is that way a whole nother ten years? Holy shit, that's a steep punishment. I don't think he's gonna make it. Really? That's dark. Good lord. As long as death reigns here and I am the master of this castle, you shall never leave. So, anybody know any good party tricks?

- I can try to put a hat on, but then I can't. - I can put both of my legs behind my head. - Do that one. - I guess you could do that one. - I do. - Wowza! - This guy is like sick, man. - Yowza hit the sticks!

Now that is crazy frog. Axel F. Sweden. I'm gonna scoop all the gold on the table back into the pouch. Do I know how much gold is here? Oh yeah, it is, uh, it is, uh, 96 gold pieces. Okay, that's pretty good. Wow. It's a ton of gold. I'm gonna write on it. 96. Okay. I'm gonna stick that in my pocket. Anybody else?

Jean-Claude, I feel like you have some nice, you know, fun party tricks. What party trick would you have, lawyer? Lawyers are not tricksy, nor fun, nor good at parties. They are minions of the Hells. That is why I called you here. Disgusting dick! No, no, do you know how you quote the film Rock-A-Doodle every morning?

You know what I mean? Oh yeah, I could recite the entire spoken word. He does the whole thing, it's crazy. Every single line in Rock and Roll. Yeah! Including my favorite character and number one waifu, Peepers. Believe it or not, yeah. My new Peepers that is so good you would think she's in the room. Well, I am all ears.

I recite all of Rockadoodle. I recite all of Rockadoodle. How does that, how does that... It ends with him doing the cockadoodledoo. He does that every morning. That's, uh, twice today. Every morning. Do sood! Did we just win? Did we just win? I was waiting for that. Oh no! Did we just win? Please tell me we won.

I was like waiting for Mace to do it. He screams and in a horrific burst of light he explodes and completely turns into ash and you see all the charred

The charred zombies that are next to you as they crumble. As you see Doug and the boys dancing around, they say, uh-oh. And they collapse. And all of the dead, the zombies and the skeletons all around this room completely collapse as where Count Morlock sat.

is just a pile of ash. Oh shit! What the fuck? What happened? Well, this has never happened before, Dan Brock will never do it. You made all these people turn to dust and killed on death. Well, I didn't know, I didn't mean to, I spent beside every word out of the-- It's like some special power that you have. Like when Booker was blowing

- Oh man, you think if I recite Rock-a-doodle-doo from top to bottom and then Cuckoo-doodle-doo at the end, that I could destroy all undead around me if they were so as much undead? - That seems to be the implication. - You know what this means. - You don't get to do 72 hours of crazy fraud? - Oh my God.

- How unfortunate. Yeah, but, well maybe you would know this better 'cause I don't know property laws, but here's a big underground mansion now with no owner. - And we can make Wygar our servant. We can give him PTO. - Or maybe we're lucky and he's dead too. - I don't wanna live down here. - He's got the plague, he's not dead. - Well, as a wise law man once said, of course the reach is keepers.

I know we're just keepers. I kick bits. Now that's a deep cut. Holy shit. We have to find out if there's a demon in the basement first. Oh no. If he's dead and she cools in the basement, then who's... Uh-oh.

Well, as soon as Booker's done crying over Doug, we could probably go down there. Oh, see? Oh, master, I am coming. Your loyal servant, Wygor, who is looking forward, I've brought a grand tray of wedding strawberry daiquiris. Oh, joyous day, I've brought enough for everyone.

"Oh joyous day!" "Oh yes, my master!" And you hear the door open as the boy steps in, holding a huge tray of very... It took him the entire time, the entire feast to make this many daiquiris. Every single one has an umbrella in it. Oh, exactly. Extremely tall, flutes are very thin. Yes! The like. "Master!"

Don't you drop those! Don't you drop those, Wygorn! What have you done? No, we didn't do any, we're not-- My master! Oh, I'm going to just very steadily walk over to the table and place them down without spilling a drop. Thank you, sweet. Oh, master! They're all dead, even Doug. Even the younglings? No! Well, we haven't checked everywhere, it's possible.

Death no longer reigns here. Everyone burst into flames or dust as they fell apart. The corpses, they just crumpled. Oh, dear. Oh, no. My master. Who's going to...

No, well, that's what I was just gonna say. You might be inclined to be extremely upset, but Count Morlock spent the entire evening talking about how he was getting ready to decline your PTO. Oh, that's right. My master would never decline my PTO. Oh, he spent hours. I earned it the whole day. Talk about a man.

Talking about how you had not submitted it ahead in a timely fashion. You were seven months late. He was gleefully talking about how he was gonna decline your PTO so you specifically couldn't go to law school. Be honest. You submitted it late. Seven months late. Seven months late. He said that. He did. That's what he said. Yeah. We swear.

He said you could try again in another decade to take a vacation. Well, I think that's-- my master would never say that! I'm a loyal-- I'm his loyal mad servant! I'm his loyal play rat servant! Make a persuasion check, group check. I didn't take any dice out of him. You can grab one out of the shy Halussi. Or bring my character to the table. I get a dirty twin. You can grab one out of the shy Halussi, Mace. We're all making one? I'll get twisted.

What was it? Persuasion? I'm pretty good at that. I'm going to twist it. I'm going to twist it. I'm going to twist it. I'm going to twist it. I didn't grab a single D20. How did you get so many D20s when you did this? I know how to navigate the Palussi. You pull them all out? You got to roll it harder. It's loud. I'm going to twist it. I'm going to twist on it.

I'm gonna twist it, I'm using one twist. I'm gonna twist it. You have to roll it crazy style! I'm gonna twist it. There it is. I'm twi- no, I haven't got it. I'm always twisting it. I'm gonna twist it again, that's three. I'm twisting on it.

I'll keep that. Oh, so close! I'm gonna twist it. I'll keep that one. I'm not going for 20. Okay. I'm gonna twist it. Okay. I'm gonna twist it. Okay. I'm gonna twist it. Okay. I'm gonna twist it. Okay. I'm gonna twist it. Okay. Hold on. We have him. Okay. I'm gonna twist it. Okay. Hold on. This is loud. Is there like a tray? I'm gonna ruin this mouse pad. Okay.

I'm gonna twist it. Okay? I'm gonna twist it. Okay? I'm gonna twist it. Okay? You gotta twist it. Okay? Okay? I'm gonna twist it. Okay? You're rolling the same thing over and over. It's crazy. Okay? I'm gonna twist it. Okay? I'm gonna twist it. Okay? I'm gonna twist it. It's one of four values. It just doesn't... Okay? Okay?

That was a 19. That was close. 19's on the other side. Okay. Natural 20! Oh my god! Oh my god, I got a 24. Or 26. Hold on, let me take a look. What did everyone else get? I got a dirty 20. I got a 19. Okay. 25. Okay. And Booker got a 16. Yeah, his is also plus nine. Booker got a 20. Yeah, 20. I can't believe the master!

would say such a thing. He did. He did say that. Well, we'll have to ask him. I'll ask him myself. He has a phylactery. A what? As long as it has not been touched by mortal hands. Like a place where people work? His spirit can return with the power of Siakul. It takes the form of a Renfield mobile device. What? I must away to the Renfield room.

Are you saying that in the Renfield room there's a device that if he would be found to resurrect unless it is touched? As long as no mortals have soiled it with their filthy paws. Oh, no filthy paws over here. Oh, no. I've never seen that. Yeah, we just cleaned up. Oh, must. There's ash all over my hands. Will the phylactery bring back Doug?

Only the master can bring back Douglas. I'll say, so if the Count was in fact keeping Sir Kool imprisoned, I'll say, I'll say.

Oh, yes, yes! If the Count's phylactery is not able to return him, surely Zirkle will be unleashed. Yes! Yes! Unleash free terrain in this castle, then hell will truly reign! I'll say that was going to be my question. Thank you, Michael. Michael, I'm sorry. I'm overcome with grief. You might miss this. What does a phylactery look like? Oh, it looks like...

Renfield, the great comedian who loathes the Mondays and loves a good lasagna. It's him awkwardly leaning forward and kneeling with his ass up, and you can communicate through it, yes. As long as mortal powers have not soiled him. As long as nobody touched him. As long as no one has touched him. Or anybody else. Anyone comes to Mordor. That's a pretty specific thing. I think it'd be hard for us to touch it and not know about it. I'll flip.

"Oh, I'm sure. No, it is a forbidden room. No mortals, not even the dead, have been in the Renfield Room." Behind the forbidden door. "He'll be right back, I'm sure. How long does that usually take?" Yeah, that was going to be my next question. Thank you. "I must go. I must initiate it. It requires a loyal servant. And

and a great sacrifice. I will spill my life, blood upon the Renfield phone. And if mortal hands have not soiled it, he will rise. Are you going to be able to tell whether or not mortal hands have touched it before you do all that? No! Of course not! Why would it? So you're just going to walk up, not know a thing, and just... Wygo, hold on. This is coming from me, your biggest detractor.

I think you're being hasty, and perhaps you don't need to spill your own blood to, you know, figure this out, all right? No! Oh, put the knife down, buddy. Hey, just let's settle down. Let's just talk about this, all right? Why don't you enjoy a nice strawberry daiquiri that you brought today? You brought 47 strawberry daiquiris to the table. Oh, thank you. I'll help myself to one of those. I'm looking to enjoy it. Now that I'm done mourning Doug as I sip on this daiquiri, I would like to go through the Count's pockets and see if he has any gold left on him.

You don't find any gold, but you do find a silver key that seems to be surprisingly well polished despite the state of this castle. I take it. Don't mind me. I'm just, you know, making sure everything's safe. Well, I suppose a little daiquiri break for old Weigel.

I reach up to grab a daiquiri, but I'm a little too short, and I accidentally hit the tray, and I knock over all the daiquiris. Oh! Oh! Wow, we poured out 45 of them before I dug there. Holy crap. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tip them over. No, I didn't even get one. Each one of those was perfectly individually concocted for each dinner guest. Can you make more? Oh, no.

I mean, it only took like the entirety of the recital of Rock-a-doodle-doo for it to be done, so... Well, the good news is now that everyone is dead, you only have to make a couple of them. Yeah, you just have to make... And one for yourself. Five. It was only me, Weigel, the henchman, you... What? Me?

Yeah, Booker. My name's Booker. Yeah, it's Katie. Oh, did the heroin ever show up? I didn't know what that meant either. That's right, he did. We are waiting for heroin. Oh, I love stories. Oh.

You have those here? This place just goes on forever. Yeah, didn't you hear about the hair one earlier? I did, but I didn't assume there were pocket lines. Is that where she hangs out? You and the coachman.

And Mr. Tuppence. Well... Of course, Mr. Tuppence is alive. Of course, of course. We received some not-so-good news that he slipped and fell. He was 47, you know that? Oh, my God. 47? And he slipped and died. Just a kid? Yeah, it's unfortunate. Just a kid? I know. No, Mr. Tuppence. Cut down in his prime. Oh, he was always so good to Igor. Well...

He was always crocheting me little sweaters. That's nice. It's kind of sad. We would always do the words jumbled together. Did he have a role or a job in the castle? He was more of one of those house guests that'll never leave. Maybe the pervert. He was hiding in my closet. He jumped out at me. Did you love Mr. Tuppence? Love him?

To clarify, she's not asking if you have carnal knowledge of him. I just want to be very clear. That's exactly what I'm asking. Oh, Jesus, Pitty, come on. They get the word jumbled together. Oh, Wygors saves himself from the sluts on the street. The what? The what? Oh, man, you need that PTM card. Oh, man.

He's getting so mad! He's getting backed up!

Why do you think he's been hollering around like that? His nuts must be the size of grapefruits. His legs are looking fine. He's so bow-legged. Good Lord. Like two pineapples hanging from his head. Every ten years, he returns back from love purposes. His eyes are straight. He's walking. He's 100% gone. His gab is gone.

He's whistling a jaunty tune! Oh, wow. Oh, it's the fence penicillin. What we thought was gout was just... Blue balls. Blue balls? Ah, good lord. Oh, I must... I must find the flak.

Should we wait here? Are you gonna go do that with him? We should go with him! Yeah, what are we doing here? I was gonna lap up some of the daiquiri off of Doug's face. He is going to the Forbidden's Wind. Look, all the daiquiris pooling in Doug's skull. You just drink it right out. Oh, like a pirate! Oh, this is so flavorful. Just like a margarita. Look, Doug wouldn't mind. Doug wouldn't mind at all.

So should we follow you, or what's up? What are you thinking here? Oh, my master. Is this a private thing? You want to be alone? Only the six of us and the coachman and Mr. Tubbins is alone. Oh no, Mr. Tubbins is dead. He could have reigned here, but no longer. But if the master returns, I will give my life for the master. Then he'll approve my PTO. This is just tragic.

I must away. Would you like us to away with you? We should really ask for you. We're coming with you, Wyandotte. Now that there's a potentially unleashed Lord of Hell in the castle, we should, just in case. No, that's impossible, as long as the Master Spirit remains in the Renfield foe.

Untainted by the paws of mortals, Siakul shall never be free. Phone, you mentioned. A phone? Redfield phone? Yes, yes. Never to be touched by mortal hands. Are you sure you don't mean the Levi in maid outfit statue? Oh no, that is touched by mortal paws of Varian. LAUGHTER

- Oh, why would they? - My gore will never change. - I hope it does. - Okay. I guess we shall away with you if you'd like to lead the way and we'll

We'll all show our way. See what we can do. Well, and just for knowledge's sake, if Circu, is he tied up like in the dungeons, in the direction? In the bowels of the castle. Like in the direction? Not in the dungeons, no, no. But in the general direction of the Forbidden Wing, yes. How hard is it to escape the bowels of the castle? Oh, if the master is truly gone, quite easy. LAUGHTER

Barely an inconvenience. Oh. Barely. You really think that there'd be some sort of fail safe or something? Oh, yes, the master's invulnerability. I still don't know how he was able to be destroyed. He only has but one weakness. What weakness is that? What it was. He must be returned to the grave dirt in which he was buried before the first cock crowed.

How could this have happened? Nothing like that happened. Mr. Lawyer, how could this have happened? I was just reciting rock-a-doodle-doo, and then of course, as you know, it ends with... That's my favorite movie quote. It must have been treachery from Doug. No! Doug would never! I won't have you besmirch Doug's good name. Oh no, the younglings!

Oh, the whole wing, the ghoul school wing of the castle! Oh no! Hold on! Oh, come, come!

Did you say ghoul school? Yes. Oh, that's not good. The whole school? All of them? Oh, we must burn that wing of the castle. Oh, boy. Yes, I operated a boarding school. It's actually quite uncomfortable now that I say it out loud. LAUGHTER

You operated the board and school? No, no. It was your responsibility? No, no. We always had wacky teachers that think they're stuck in the 70s. Even though they're not at all qualified. He keeps naming numbers like 2003, 70. What does all this mean? I don't know. Guy's lost his mind. He's on the rocker. It must be the plague. He wouldn't stop. He was so excited for his

The bastard. You keep talking about Beverly Hills. I don't think it was the wedding he was excited for. I'll be honest with you. Sounded really excited by the tricks. Yeah, nothing to do with the wedding. I'll tell you that. He wanted that wedding over with. Good lord, he kept talking about the 72 hours afterwards. Oh, he wouldn't stop. Fairytale. Oh, that would have been charming. Oh, it would have been great. Oh, there even would have been a character meet and greet.

"Whoa! We missed a carriage in the street!" Yes! Oh gosh, Michael Mouse was scheduled to come tonight! If the master's not here to pay, oh gosh, perhaps we should hope that Sir Kuhn gets out!

Is Michael Mouser still on the way? He may be, we must return the master, come, come. We must away, we must away. It is forbidden to be here, come, come. We must away. We go. We would like to away with you. He guides you to the Renfield room. As he walks over, you hear a tone, a phone tone, as the receiver of the Renfield has been disturbed. He's been knocked up and there's handprints all over him.

As Wygor looks at it. "Who goes there?" The entire castle begins to shake. You hear a horrible rumbling from deep below you. "Rest actual gator sick!" And that is where we'll end the session. I fucking told you guys! These effects are just out of this world. Oh my god.

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