Uprooted | Ep. 1 | Cat and Mouse
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Mikey Gilder and you're listening to Uprooted. The woodland is at war. You all are denizens of the Dimwood, the home that most of you have known your entire lives.

and a place that has been at war for as long as you can remember. As long as most denizens and critters of all kinds can remember. For centuries, this entire land had been ruled by the Great Eyrie.

an aristocracy of birds that placed the birds in their treetop homes above all other animals, gave them special rights, and brought civilization to the wood that had once been so savage, filled with lurking monsters, bears, boars, deer, gigantic insects and arachnids, and other horrors that only exist in folklore.

However, such a bloated aristocracy cannot last. And there was a great civil war where two factions within the Eyrie effectively tore themselves to pieces and much of the Dimwood with it. In a period of lawlessness that followed, there was less strife than the great civil war, but life still wasn't safe. It wasn't secure.

Then that's when the Marquise de Catte arrived. A distant empire called the Monde de Catte had been not interested in the Dimwood, being as far as it was, but an enterprising noble named, or rather an enterprising noble known only as the Marquise de Catte decided to stake a claim and rise to her own sense of grandeur and power

and a great army of cats and some dogs and other animals that they conscripted into their army marched upon the Dimwood and conquered it very quickly. They helped establish industry, order,

Where people had been starving, there was more plentiful bounty. There was far more trade. Even new pathways in this treacherous woodland were carved. However, it was still a rule that made the denizens not particularly free. There was high taxes, a great number of laws that

that dictated how a denizen of the Dimwood should act. And then, after a mere ten years of rule, the Eyrie returned. And while they had been pushed back, they managed to bring back many loyalists that had been once exiled and rally under a single ruler and grow their forces and go to war with the Marquisat.

These two factions have been at war for about ten years, and that's where we find all of you. You do not follow any particular faction. You're what's known in the Dimwood as Vagabonds. You live for yourselves, your own aims. You don't subscribe to any faction, and you don't particularly find the simple life of

within the clearings and the towns within your speed either. You found each other and you make your way around the Dimwood with no real home, getting into all sorts of adventures and capers and dangers. And you have thus far managed to escape the talons of the Eyrie and the claws of the Marquisate. And it's here that you all sit around a campfire.

It is night and you are in the woods. You sit around a campfire, crackling with the smell of warm cooked food after an exhausting trek through the woodland. You know that it is dangerous to go into the woods, although great paths have been carved through the woodland of the Dimwood. The paths aren't particularly safe, but the woodland is treacherous and near certain death for anyone besides vagabonds.

Many bandits lurk. There's rumors of barbarians rampaging, marauding boars, mysterious deer that some say might be able to harness magics and horrible creatures and beasts of the night and all sorts of other dangers. But you manage to make it through unscathed. You are coming from Pottsville.

The four of you initially entered that clearing when Booker had a great plan and idea. He decided to become the one to take alms and offerings for a great festival.

of Pottsville called Corn and Corn Alone Day. And there were a great number of offerings and foodstuffs and goods and coin offered. However, Corn and Corn Alone Day is no such festival or holiday in Pottsville, but

They had gotten such an idea and a whim and learned the culture of this town by a new friend that they had made.

named Bitsy, a local mouse who didn't know much, but knew that the people of Pottsville were always looking for some sort of festival, harvest or otherwise, and if they heard an inexistence of a holiday, they'd probably just go along with it. Just like National Horse Day or whatever the fuck he said it is. Helpful Horse Day! Helpful Horse Day! Uh...

However, it was not too long until a very precocious

scampy mouse child ratted you out, no pun intended, to the local cat authorities. Oh shit. And you had to take your winnings and run, having to discard a lot of what had been offered behind in order to narrowly escape the clearing into the woods. Sounds like a win to me! But as you know, the guards don't, do not dare pursue

anyone into the woods and anyone who makes their way into the woodland, into the forest, is presumed dead. And it is here that you all sit around the campfire bringing Bitsy with you. You had actually just decided to book it and after running for an hour you turned around and she happened to be behind you. laughter laughter

And it's at this point that you decided to make camp. - It's the fuzz, no really, it's Officer Fuzz. - It's Officer Fuzz. The infamous Officer Fuzz. Bright, bright red fur, not orange, actual bright red fur as,

but not particularly in great shape. He had been enjoying some of the corn pastries of Corn and Corn Alone Day. How that happened, no one is really sure, but it was a moderately successful con, and you've made out with a good number of food, a great hearty meal, and a new friend in tow. You all sit around the campfire,

And having discussed your next target crossing to be click-clock crossing, your next clearing rather to be click-clock crossing, lay low from the mouse-dominated clearings and hopefully find in this rabbit clearing

perhaps concoct a plan of pursuing your own profits or aims. And you decided to engage in a time-honored tradition of sharing stories after you get to know your new friend, perhaps.

Well, I say, as is tradition now that we have the spoils of our fantastic caper, I will reach in and start breaking apart different various breads, pastries, passing out whatever beverages or booze you might have gotten. Whatever you wanted to steal, you stole. And I will say a toast to our new friend, Bitsy, to whom this heist wouldn't have been possible.

Well, thanks. I was pretty surprised to turn around and still see you behind us as we were making our way. I wasn't even sure you knew what you were doing or where you were going or if you wanted to follow us, but here you are. I thought I would follow you. They were going to kick me out anyway. Well, we'll get to that, I suppose. Cheers to Bitsy.

- The woods are very dangerous. I'm not sure if you know that. It's probably more of certain death than, you know, being kicked out of home. - Why?

I mean... Haven't you ever been in the woods? All the time. I've never been killed. Oh, what's wrong with the both of you? They're not that dangerous. I run around with my banjo and my bindle. I don't have to wield any weapons, really. And I've been fine my whole life. It's been fine. The woods aren't that dangerous. No, look, we're hardened vagabonds. We live in these woods. We sleep in these woods.

And no offense or anything, but I mean, aren't you more suited to like, you know, making pastries for corn and corn alone, Danny? I'm not a baker. I just go into the woods and I find flowers and seeds and moss and all kinds of stuff. I can make all kinds of stuff with the things you find in the forest. Well, I like her. I think she can stand it.

I think you and Hazel are gonna get along just fine. You know, now that I've learned how to make magic from my hands, and I'm like the only person in the entire world that's got magic...

We're gonna be fine in the forest. - You can make magic with your handlers? - Yeah, I've got magic. I invented it. - Like the deer? - Well, she says she can do it. We haven't actually really seen it happen yet. - No, watch, I've been working on a new spell. It's called invisibility and I start taking my clothes off. - Peggy, I watch him. Peggy, Peggy, Peggy. - You see a naked frog. - And I slowly start backing into the greenery. - Peggy, we don't need to do, no, there's no, you don't have to do this again.

It's not perfect, honestly, right now, but it's getting there and I start putting my clothes back on. I think you're real close. Thanks. You tore your dress. You want me to cast mending on it? What? Perfect. And I pull out some thread and a needle and I start sewing up your dress. Oh, thank you. How are you doing all these spells?

Well, I just started figuring out how to make things happen with my own mind, because you know I'm super intelligent and stuff. And so I took my own engineering manual and I started turning it into my spell book. That's pretty smart. Yeah, I think what really helps though is that I found a familiar that was teaching me how to do stuff. What's that? What's a familiar? I open up my mouth and a little tiny fly flies out of my mouth. You know, it's George.

- This is George. He likes, he thinks he's the king of the flies. So he likes for me to call him King George, but he's really, he's just George. - Peggy, how long have you been keeping that fly in your mouth? - Oh, a long time.

Did you know that there were at least 286 flies in the Dimwood at any given time? Wow, is that true? That's true, that's what George told me. Wow, you really are so smart. I know. Alright George, it's time to go back to sleep. And my tongue will stick out and grab it and go back to sleep. It's nice to meet you. But he's told me a lot of stuff. Like magical secrets? Like arcane... Let's see, magic too.

Well, you know, he's a fly. And he was created by magic. Whoa! He can talk to me and stuff. Make a perception check. Everyone? Uh... Group perception check, yeah. The first roll! Oh, pretty good! Oh, I got a 14. Where's my shit?

But my point of telling you all this, especially you, Bitsy, is you don't have to be worried in the woods. I'm never worried in the woods. Because I'm the only person that's been able to trade magic. Well, I feel safer for that. Thank you. I got a 15. 14.

Okay. 21. 21. I'm not very perceptive. I'm shocked. 20. So both of you, as she's talking about flies and this little fly buzzes out and she snaps it back in.

Both of your ears perk up and you see these... You hear a... A horrible, rumbling, buzzing noise from off in the distance. As you see... As you see... As both of you turn... What is it, boy? I gather my corn biscuits closer to me. And... I smell something. And you see two massive...

bright red eyes as a colossal fly that's probably five times the size of any of you just flies over the woodland and then dives back in. Are we familiar with this thing? We usually see it.

Is that something we would have ever seen before? I would say that you know that there are horrible, gigantic, monstrous insects and bugs and creatures in the forest. That was one of the 284 flies in the world. Well, it's 286 flies at any given time. At least. 286.

I think that one was looking for George. Well, George does say he's the king of the flies, and the fact that he's been with me for quite a long time, there might be some unrest in the fly kingdom. It's possible. If George is that little and the king, then what was that big thing? Probably his royal guard. That's terrifying. Are you trying to say that you've kidnapped royalty?

- I wouldn't say was kidnapping necessarily, like he's completely willing in there. - Interesting. - You didn't tell me he was royalty. - I told you. - I should've bowed. Sir King George, I'm sorry. - Oh boy. Are you all right there, Bitsy? What, what, what? Are you okay? Are you all right? - I'm all right, I'm fine. I hurt. - All right. - I hurt. - Well, if you plan on joining our vagabond band,

You need to tell us about yourself. To sell us on how you can survive and hang with us tough four cookies. That's right, what do you bring to the town besides your head? Well I thought I'd come and follow you guys. You seemed like you know where you were going. What? Was that a question or a statement?

It seems like you were going in one direction. I thought I'd just follow you up. Well, we're vagabonds. We don't necessarily have a direction. Great. All right, well, as long as that's all right with you, it's all right with me. So where'd you come from? Potsdale. But mommy, like...

I know that because you just came with us, but I mean like before that, we always say. Well, I grew up there and I learned the secrets of the universe and sometimes I make magical healing salves. Well, they're not magical, they're just salves and they heal. Yeah, I was going to tell you I'm the only one here with magic, all right, so. Well, I say they're magic because they like magic. It's like a herpopoli.

It's very clearly not like magic. I just showed you what magic looked like, okay? No, no, I don't wanna step on that. Look, she invented magic. She said so herself. And I personally have not taken on any apprentices yet, so until that time comes, no one else has magic. Well, when you do, let me know, because I'm trying to expand myself personally.

I'm not going to give you my magical abilities for you to steal some child's muffin. Don't have to steal anybody's muffin because we've already stolen so much of the corn product. Well, that's going to last you what, like six hours? You rummage around. One of you rummages around in your pocket and you find a flyer for a three-day seminar on dwelling flipping. LAUGHTER

Bitsy, you said that your hometown was gonna kick you out. Was that before or because you told us the information about the caper that we used to essentially manipulate you and you're using that information to rob all of your friends and family? What?

No, I, I, a caper. They said, you said you were going to get kicked out. I love capers. I do too. Not that, no, no, I mean, why, why did you think you were going to get kicked out of your home? Are you worried about- Can I ask you a serious question since we're talking about capers and they're so very similar to caviar. Why did they call it beluga caviar? Beluga's a whale. What's a whale? What's a beluga? Oh.

It's a whale, I just said that. And I'm also not sure that capers and caviar are that close. They're both small and round. That's true. That covers a lot of things, like seeds and nuts. Do you think those are caviar? Most seeds are oblong. Some of them come to a point. Some of them are shaped. But not all of them. I've been known to say that seeds are nuts. Okay, what seeds and nuts have you seen that are perfectly round? What about little berries? Berries aren't nuts, you dum-dum. But they're also not caviar.

- Then why are you talking about seeds and nuts? I'm talking about caviar and capers. - I'm just saying that I don't think that just because they're small and they're round that they're the same thing. - I didn't say caviar and capers were the same thing, Booker. - I think she's gaslighting me.

Wait, wasn't it that fruits... And I cast Confusion. I thought fruit was Mother Nature's candy. Where did candy come into this conversation? It's definitely unrelated, Grumling. Jeez, what is happening to all of us?

Bitsy! Yeah? You told us that your town was going to kick you out forever and you don't even seem upset about that! Yeah, aren't you gonna miss your family? They keep asking me to leave and I didn't leave and then they were gonna tell me to kick out and then I was gonna be kicked out and then I said I don't want to be kicked out so then they were gonna kick me out anyway and I was like I don't want that to happen! Why were they going to kick you out? Because they don't understand the difference between lemons and lemon juice.

what you don't it's a long story you wouldn't understand i'm i'm really trying here we're just trying to get to know you a little bit well i i and you know hazel's got a really good point if they had to kick you out because they didn't understand the difference between lemons and lemons lemon juice we might have to kick you out if we don't understand the difference between lemons and lemon juice oh no

- No, I live my own. - So you might wanna explain it to Booker 'cause if at least he understands, we don't have to kick you out. - But he's pretty smart, so. - Excuse me, Hazel. - And you, uh. - Well, it's a different kind of smart. All right, all right, we've got different things, you know, different strengths and things like that. Peggy's a lot smarter than me in one way and I'm just, you know, good at other things. - Which one of us created magic? - Well, it certainly wasn't me. - With your book.

That was with King George. And King George. And my mum. Booker's more like Street Smart. That's a really great way to put it. Why do they call you Booker, though? What? It's just a name. It doesn't have anything to do with the actual books. It's such a good point. It's just a name. Why is your name Booker? I've never seen you read one book! That's right. Total coincidence. Wouldn't it make more sense if your name were Hooker?

Wow, maybe if I changed professions, if you know what I mean. Oh, is that because you're from Muck Bed Creek and they fish a lot there? No, because of the hooks, the con hooks. Isn't that what they call them? Oh, I was thinking like a fishing hook. I don't think I've ever seen him do an honest day's work in his life. Well, I'm not saying he fished, but he knew all this. Well, then why would they call him hooker? Because of fish? Anyway, the point is, bitch. Mm-hmm.

What's the difference between lemons and lemon juice? Well, the one is the lemon and then the other's like a liquidy juice type thing. And they couldn't understand this? Why? Well, because they kept saying that one came from the other and that's fucking horseshit.

Okay, well, you had me up until it's horseshit that one came from the other, because very clearly the juice comes from the lemon. But once you squeeze the juice out of the lemon, it stops being a lemon. This is what they kept saying. That doesn't make any sense. What do you mean it doesn't make any sense? Where else are you going to get the juice from? I don't have any lemons on me, but if you squeeze that lemon in lemon juice, I wouldn't. You wouldn't what? What wouldn't you do? I wouldn't.

Why wouldn't it? So then why do they call it lemon juice? All right. When we get to Click Clock, I am going to blow your mind. Really? Click Clock Crossing. That's our next destination. What are we doing there? Whatever we want. That's the beauty of all of this is that we don't have to do anything. I don't really want to do anything. I've spent my... We've got all this cool...

We've got corn fritters and we've got corn bread and corn pone and we've got all kinds of things that we could just sit here and enjoy and enjoy each other's company. And we will do that for now. I feel like we really did a lot of work already. We're going to do that, Hazel, in like 10 hours or so. You're going to have eaten everybody's share of the food. I'm sure I won't take that, Mom. I was trying to be kind. And so we're going to need to rely on Booker to steal from people who have stuff.

That's right. Plus, I've spent my entire life wandering and visiting different clearings and trying to see as much as I possibly can, and I'm not going to stop now. That's what's fun about life, is seeing what's out there. And when we get to places, enjoying the things that are there. Sometimes at the expense of other people, but we're not going to think or talk about that. We're just going to enjoy the spoils of our victories. What else do we get out of it besides the corn? Look, we don't feed you. You...

We get money. That's right. What did we get? You

- You get hangry. - Lay it out! - I dump out the sack and there's various coins and food and alcoholic beverages. - Well, bourbon's made of corn, so probably. - Did we get any money? - That's right, yes, we got some coin. Not as much as I would have liked. The bag was a little heavy, but we had to run. I had to throw some of it, ha-ha, to get away. - You threw, oh, well, that's all right. - Yeah, the law enforcement was coming down on us quick. - Yeah, well, that's okay.

I'm never really good with my winnings anyway. I spend them on things that just really

I'm not good with my money. Well, we all earned it and I'll quickly divvy it up and you know, keep handing out food and just putting it in a pile and letting everybody take whatever they like. I don't think I deserved this. I didn't do a damn thing. You did a lot more than you'd think. Honestly, if it weren't, did you just eat your money? No. I thought this was, I thought this was a sale. Oh, and when it ended up being coins, you just swallowed anyway?

I thought it was weird ale. You just give it a few days and you'll see it again. Probably mug coins. Okay. I'm gonna go get a stick.

- You know what, Bitsy? It's tough on everybody's first beer. I remember my first mug of ale, coins, I mean, ale. It's tough, it's hard for everyone. You'll get the hang of it. - I find a stick and I start like... - That was the worst use. That was my first time when we was in Grizzlepole and we got all that coin from that honey hoist.

And I spent it, I was so excited, but I ran off and I spent it on cobbler tools. They were not what I thought they were. They're not tools to make cobbler? It seemed like that's what it would be. What else would it be? That does make me think of a new car. I had my heart set on them. They were so shiny.

and I really got him and I enrolled in the Gordon Ramsay fine school of cooking and he just hated me right from the get go because I didn't have the right tools and I tried and I tried I even made him my mum's

a mulberry pie for my final and you know what he said I don't know what he said what did he say Angel he said my grandpa do it better and she's dead oh god that sounds like a nightmare it was terrible

Oh! I was heartbroken, but I stuck it out until graduation. It's such a sad story. I didn't graduate, but I did lift a diploma off of somebody, and really, you can't even tell where I scratched the name out in Road Hazel. Do you want some steak? I appreciate that. Thank you. So he really didn't let you graduate? No.

But you know, I learned what I needed to know and you know, I've got some skills now so if we ever need, you know, for me to cook something, I can cook. And I'm really working on my sharing skills as well. - Well that's very big of you. We appreciate that. Thank you for sharing. - I will say I have noticed a lot of personal growth in you, Hazel. - Thank you. - You're very welcome. - Also, if anybody would like to buy a slightly used set of cobbler's tools,

I will trade you this one poppy seed muffin. Damn. Perfect. Thank you. I don't have any money. They're covered in flour.

- Kinda sticky. - Yeah. - They've clearly never been washed. - I don't have any coin, I just left my house and all of my things to come here. - Well, you earned some of this, trust me, you did. - Hey, you got plenty of coins. - Oh, thank you. - Don't eat those, please. They're not meant to be eaten, they're meant to be put in your coin purse. - Did I just miss that it was Ailey who was drinking? - I thought it was coins. - Stop.

That's alright, we're gonna try this again. Derek knew it was coins going in. I felt like I was out of the joke and I'm like, oh god. No, no, no, no. I knew. Oh, thanks. Oh, I don't have a pack. You know, if you want, I can magically create a pack for you.

What about regular packs? What? You know what, you're fine holding them, I think. For now, the time being, I think we'll be alright. She's not gonna last, I mean, like, not even a week. Well, I don't know. I mean, she seems like she's useful. She's already benefited us so far. She was able to follow us into the woods when all of, you know, when Fuzz wasn't able to. She's quick. She's very quick. I'm very fast. Let me set a scene for you.

Let's say we're in the woods. We are. And we hear a horrible bleat and a disgusting... It's like Gordon Ramsay all over again. Disgusting ram with a chef's hat comes out of the woods with big red eyes. And he says, where's your duck sauce? What would you do to him? What would you do? Do I have any duck sauce?

No, you don't have duck sauce. You don't even know what duck sauce is. That was a very good question. She's using her brain. Keep going, keep going. You got further than I did. I probably... Am I holding these coins? You don't have a peck. This is a theoretical scenario. What would you do? How would you fight him? How would you make him pay? I guess I'd give him a slap on his face and I'd tell him he was a bad goat person and I'd send him on his way.

Was he a goat or a ram? Yeah, he's going to get really mad if you call him a goat. Because he's very proud of being a Ramsey. Well, no, the point is we beat him up because he was mean to Hazel. Because you jerk! Oh, you weren't supposed to know that, but now you do. Well, I can do that. I'm good at... Oh, shit. Oh, God. Now, Betsy...

I think maybe it would help if you would know how one of us would react, alright? So I'm gonna help Grumly with his story here. Oh, this is fun! Hazel is one of my best friends. Oh, stupid. And now that I've seen the work she's put into these cobbler tools and will clean off later, I would cast magics. I've recently invented what I like to call acid splash. What's that? That's dangerous. What is that?

- Oh, is that a spell? - It's magic, yeah, it's a spell. So when Gordon Ramsay comes out of the forest,

and he yells, where's the duck sauce? And his red eyes turn to hazel. - Oh, this is so mean. - And he starts digging his hooves into the ground, ready to charge. I pull out the super croaker, and you see what looks equivalent to a Nerf gun. And attached to it is this horrid, like, swamp juice in a mason jar. And I start pumping it, and then I shoot it up in the air, and you see all this, like, gross, horrid swamp ass, gas, swamp ass.

That plays perfectly into my next line, which is... Yeah, ass splash. That makes perfect sense. Whoa, Peggy, watch her get shoot in that thing. When it lands on him, he begins to fizzle and pop and his flesh stops to melt.

And then I say, hasta la vista, Ramsey. There's your duck sauce. See, that's how we handle jerks in East Dimwood. And I thought I had a way with words. Very nice. If you'd been with me, I sure would have got my diploma. Yeah. I wouldn't have let him fail you. Well, you got a diploma. That's true, and I feel pretty positive about that for myself. Whose diploma was it beforehand? I can't remember.

can't really read it anymore. I did have a little bit of chocolate on my fingers when I took it. Yeah, I see. I clearly see. I'm sure that it all worked out fine for them, though. I did just see it sitting in a bag next to a chair with a family that were taking some pictures. So, I'm sure it didn't belong to anybody, really. The point is that the reason we've made it as far as we have for as long as we have is that we all

We all have special skills that compliment each other. All right? Hazel's somebody who can get you things. Peggy is the brain of the operation. Brumley, he's the brawn of the operation. And me, I like to think that I'm the glue that holds this operation together.

You know, we've been traveling together for a long time and quite frankly, at some times I feel like I barely know any of you. Brumley, you're a monstrous borderline genetic mistake in a suit of armor. Peggy, you're a lunatic exhibitionist that takes her clothes off with extreme regularity and now you're threatening to dissolve some poor bastard. Hazel, you're a pre-diabetic chick monk with kleptomaniac tendencies and an unhealthy obsession with bumbleberries. Bitsy, you're clueless, confused,

and half the time I think you might have a serious brain injury. Is diploma a fruit? You're all absolute circus freaks, but you're my circus freaks, and I hope that I become your strange yet handsome and eloquent raccoon friend, and I want to thank you all for being here with me. That was nice. Cheers to our new friends. And I use inspiring leader to give us all temporary appointments. You feel very important. And I just...

I will completely agree with 99% of those things that you said. You really are the glue that holds us together. Thank you.

With my brains and your you, we can do anything. That's right. And when we can't do anything, Grumly can kill them. Yeah. And when there's no one to kill, Hazel can steal it. That's exactly right. And I don't really know how you fit in at all. That's what I was going to say. We're going to find a spot for you, though, and it's going to be fantastic. Well, I can be the heart. I can be the spirit. I can teach you about the truths of the universe and expand your minds into all of the reality.

of what's happening in this world. All right. You keep saying that, but what does that mean? Do you want to maybe share or give us a little secret? Just give us a taste. It was a group of kids and they were kicking a bean around or something and then they kept saying things like that. It was kind of smoky so I couldn't see their faces, but they said, expand your minds and stuff. And I figured there at school, that's a good thing, right? So we should do that too.

That's very on brand for Pottsville. So how about it? You want to hit us with a little tidbit of the mysticism of the universe? Yeah! I can't just lay it all out for you. I'm just a crumb, perhaps. Well, I... Do you have just a crumb? I suppose I could tell you a story about somebody who sought the truth.

Is it a good story or like a scary story or like a epic story or a saga? I don't know. If she tells us, then you find out. Yeah. No, I just, should I prepare to be scared or something, you know? What's the fun in that? I want to kind of get myself in the right mind space, you know? It's a little scary. There's some wounds and there's some bleeding. Wounds?

I don't know if I like this story. I don't want to wait anymore. Okay, let me get another stick. My ears are going to flatten down a little bit. Your tail lowers. How much did it upgirl? It's 11 temporary hit points. It should last a good long time. I'm a girthy frog.

Hmm. Whoa. Not 100? 69 hit points. Nice, nice. I mean, this is what campfires are for, Bitsy. If you'd like to share a story with us, please. Bitsy?

Oh, she's gone. Where's she gone? You can't wander off like that. We just talked about how dangerous the woods are. Rumley, before this story happens, I ordered some food from a wandering mosquito. So if you could just go out into the woods and grab that for me, that would be great. I can't.

Doesn't it sound like a reverse situation? Like, I go out in the woods and I become a meal for the mosquito? It's very possible, but they said they left it at the door. What is it? It's sushi. Hold on. I tie a rope to myself, then I pass it to Booker. Yeah, I'll hold this. Hold it tight. No, I know. Don't let go. I know the drill. Okay, don't let go. I'll be fine. It'll be all right. I got it. We've done this a hundred times before. All right.

As soon as he leaves, I just drop the rope on the ground and I wait intently for Vincy to start her story. Well, hey, you got, no, hold on. No, no, that's fine. Don't touch that. Don't let it go. You gotta tell your story. Focus on this thing. Focus. I'm gonna wait till he comes back. This

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As soon as Gromley comes back out of the woods, I'm going to very quickly pick up the rope, pretend like I never dropped it. I have the rope. No, you don't. I made sure you didn't. No, you have to focus on your story. No, I'm going to hold it. Oh, shit, it's on fire.

He got most of me blood, though. What? I feel a little lightheaded. Are you all right? Are my gums pink? And they're like super gray. They're just like... Sit down, sit down. Have some of that. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, you had to pay the mosquito in blood to pick up the food. Well, he got his due. And it's sushi, so it ain't cheap. That explains it.

Sit down, Bitsy's about to tell us her story. Here, have some ale. That'll put some color back in your cheeks. Can I make her the robe? Yes. Okay, I'm gonna get these coins. Do you want some halibut, darling? I got it, I'm fast. Alright, so, as we all know, nothing existed before last Thursday.

when everything just popped into existence. Hopefully that does not happen again. Anyways, there was this opossum named Guy who I found in the woods one day. He was unconscious and bleeding, so I decided that I would rescue him. I took this guy back to my little hutch in my village, Potville. This was before they kicked me out for holding a lemon. Of course. This was years ago.

So anyways, I heal him and he wakes up and I tell him he's gonna have to stay to recuperate for a few weeks and he agreed. - Funnily, I don't like the way she does this. - Me neither. - I've totally lost track of the timeline of this story. - That night at around midnight, he hears a strange eerie sound coming up from beneath my little hutch, thump.

Thump. Oh no. Thump. What was that? A loud thumping sound. Guy must have been seriously puzzled about it because he lay awake all night seriously puzzled about it. That checks out. All right. I'm in. I'm still with you. Wow. It seemed to be, hey, that weird thumping sound coming from that, what's coming from the, down from underneath your little hutch last night.

I told him I was sorry, but that I couldn't tell him. Only people who understand the truth, like me, are allowed to know. Please can you tell me, he insisted. I promise you I won't tell, and I just need to know. But without understanding the truth of this world, he was not allowed to.

I told him. So Guy spent the next three weeks in my hutch recovering every single night. In my hutch, I... What the fuck is a hutch? I don't know. I think it'll come clear later in the chapters. We just have to stick with it. All right, all right. Here's the strange, inexplicable thumping sound coming from beneath my little hutch, and every night he lies awake for hours. Oh, it's terrible. Thump. Thump.

Thump. Oh, gosh. Thump. Itsy, I'm starting to worry that you might be convicted of serious crime here. Finally, his wounds healed, and I told him he was healthy enough to leave, and he did.

Of course, a month later, I found him in the woods again, unconscious and bleeding. I took this guy back to my little hutch in my village. This was before they kicked me out holding a lemon, of course. And again, he needed to spend a few weeks recovering in my little hutch. And again, the poor little guy couldn't get any sleep because every night at around midnight...

Just like the first time he visited me, this bizarre, unsettling thumping sound came down deep below my little hutch. Thump. Thump. Was he puzzled about it? The exact same loud thumping sound he was puzzling about it all night, every night. I'm sensing a theme. Soon...

He came to me the next morning and he asked, "Can you please tell me what that thumping sound was from underneath your house? Well, I hear it every night every time I'm here and I absolutely have to know. It's driving me crazy!" I sighed and I explained to him once again, "I'm sorry, guy. It is absolutely required that I keep the secret." But he begged and he begged and he begged every day, still hearing that thump, thump, thump sound at around midnight.

He begged me to show him the truth so that he might find out what's making that strange sound. I could see that he was ready to see the truth, so I agreed that once his wounds were fully healed, I would begin to show him. This whole time, every night at... Please, I've waited so long. Wait, where am I? Sorry. The whole year, every night at around midnight, the thumping returned.

He got increasingly frustrated trying to understand the true nature of our world, of the forest, of our very natures. It's a slow and tedious process and Guy wasn't very well suited to it and he wasn't very intuitive, you understand, about these things. Unfortunately, it took an entire year for him to finally understand and accept the truth I had to show him first.

So I let him do my concealed hatch in my hutch and guided him down and down into the large empty room below. On the other side of the room was a door behind which was a large wooden chest. I asked him, "Guy, are you absolutely sure? You want to know what the source of that thumping sound is? Once you see what's in this chest, there's no going back. This is big!"

This is something that completely changes you. This is going to completely redefine everything you think you know about the world. Once you've seen it, you can't unsee it. Are you really sure you want to open this chest? Yes. Absolutely open it. I need to know, he insisted. Oh.

So I did. And inside was another smaller chest. You've got to be kidding me. I can't believe this. Why would he put a chest inside a chest? I don't know. I don't know. You've got to keep telling me. And inside that chest was another chest. There were seven chests in total. Until finally we reached the last and smallest chest, the eighth chest, no larger than a jewelry box.

God, this is the last chest. This really is the last one. The source of that thumping sound you've been hearing every night is right here inside this chest. Are you absolutely, completely, totally sure that you want to see what this is? Yes. Yes, he said to me. Yes, just open the chest. They were so desperate to find out what the source of that thumping, thump, thump, thump noise was. He was literally in pain about it.

Slowly, I took the last key, inserted it into the lock, and turned. I lifted the lid on the chest and let Guy peer inside. And he saw the source of the mysterious thumping noise. It was truly astounding. He was utterly amazed and confounded by what he saw. It was something that truly and completely changed him as a person. It explained everything.

It was the fulfillment of his whole life up until that very moment. What? What was it? Well, I can't tell you. What do you mean you can't tell me? Only people who understand the truth like me are allowed to know. We've been sitting here for an hour and you can't even tell us what was in the final chest? No, it's not allowed.

I think it was a lemon. That's my theory. Well, you just think you're a regular old Edgar Allan Crowe, don't you? With your storytelling and your make-up words. You got me and Grumly real all upset and like, and I don't think lemons suck because I've had a lot of lemon curd pies. You know, you've never heard of... You haven't told that story in like three minutes. This possum got hurt, there was something under my house, I eventually took him downstairs and there was something in a chest I can't tell you about.

So where's the guy? Where is he now? Yeah, what happened to the possum? He didn't say a word. He just left. And do you know if his name was Guy or did you just call him Guy? Unclear. I feel faint. I feel faint. You know, it was like a story that I read in one of those Pulp Fiction novels where there was this briefcase and you never find out what's inside. Yeah. You're just supposed to theorize about it.

I don't really care for that. I mean, I have a theory that it was a lemon. I'm sticking with that one. Your guess is as good as mine, Bromley. I have a theory there was nothing in it at all. But what made the thump, thump, thump? Maybe it was all in his head. Or maybe it was Bitsy. I'm still not entirely convinced that Bitsy didn't kill a guy. I start reaching back for my halberd. Or maybe because he was so scared, he was hearing his own heart thumping in his own possum chest.

That's a pretty intelligent way to look at it. And then it is metaphorically tied to what's inside the chest, your heart, what thumps your heart, what's the meaning of life, life itself. You guys are way off. Well, this must just be very much fun for you, Bitsy. It's not fun. I want to show you guys what's inside the chest, but it takes time.

Well, how long--well, how did it take Otis time if the universe didn't exist until Thursday? Well, it popped into existence with all the other stuff. Well, that doesn't really make any sense. From where? I don't understand. That's part of the secret. So how can I--how come I can remember stuff that happened before last Thursday? Because you popped into existence with your remembrances. Well, then why don't I remember where I was before last Thursday?

Well, that's how you popped in. I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you're special, you can do magics. I created magic. And I definitely did not bring this world from another world last Thursday. What if the sacrifice you paid for creating magic was forgetting how you popped in? Oh, I'm not saying I forgot. I'm saying I asked where we came from and he said we, or she said we don't know.

And now I'm just really confused. What if you invented a whole universe with your magic? That is highly possible. My magic is very, very skilled. Can you cast another spell for me? I'd just love to watch you cast. I will cast, you want to see something I call Mage Hand? Yeah. Hold something up for me. Oh, I'll hold my empty mug of mail. I am not going to move.

I want you to all watch this. My body is going to remain in place. Please don't take your pants off. I'm not going to move my physical body in any way. Let me see. Are you looking? And my tongue's going to shoot out and grab the coffee mug. Did you see? There once was a mug in Grumly's hand. Now there is a mug in my hand. That was incredible. Wow. Magic. That's very impressive. I can't do that with my tongue. What? Me neither. I use my tongue to stay cool.

Doesn't work very well in a suit of armor. Or that body. That's right. I have a dexterity of 10. It's because your face is so short? Well, it's more my snout, not really my face. Well, your snout is part of your face. Well, it's just a part of my face. Yeah, you have a short face. Well, no, you could have a long face and a short snout, or a short snout and a long face. You could have a tall face. I'd be like if your face was a ninny.

If the face came out in the smoke. Like a concave face? Yeah, I don't think that that's right. Well, if that was the case, we could eat soup out of Gromley's face. I can just lay on my back and you can just... It's not as good as a bread bowl, but I'd try it.

We'd have to make sure to clean his folds first. I don't know. I think maybe it would have like a natural... This might be why you failed in that course. You really shouldn't shun new flavor experiences. I don't think it was the carpalage horse hazel. I think it's some of your life choices. Oh, sweet God almighty. I'm with Peggy on this one. You know, you never know when inspiration is going to strike the palate.

That's what Gordon Ramsay says. Don't you hate that guy? I do, but he is really good. I hate that he insists that his name is pronounced that way, you know. What is pronounced what way? Instead of Ramsay, he's like, oh, it's pronounced Ramsey, you know. I think it's just he has a bit of an impediment when it comes to speaking. Oh, because being he's a sheep and all, maybe. Yeah, a ram, mostly. Well, I mean, a ram's just a sheep, you know. They're not just sheep from where I'm from.

Where are you from? I'm from... I'm not from the Dimwood. You know that, but I'm from Felicia. Where? It's a kingdom across the sea. Shouldn't you know that if you know everything about the world showing up last Thursday? You've never heard of Felicia? Or I guess you could call it old Felicia because now there's new Felicia. I've never left Pottsville. So how do you know that Pottsville wasn't the place that appeared out of nowhere last Thursday and everything else was already here? Well, we're in a magic town.

Oh I think people like that. Anyway, there are sheep everywhere I'm from as well as trying to say a lot of sheep. Some cows, cows, pigs, chickens, geese, ducks, a lot of cats. I mean most of the cats they sort of rule the place you know. Lots of dogs like me. My mum was a dog. That sounds right, isn't it? My dad was a dog, I mean you know. What kind of dog were your parents?

I mean, they were dogs like me, and they look like me. Do you have a name for what kind of dog you are? I mean, we're called, you know, we're pugilists. So we're known as pugs for short. Isn't it pronounced pug-a-list? No, it's pug-a-list. Those fancy cats pronounce it pugilist. So then why do you call yourself pugs instead of pugs? Well, because pug sounds weird when it's short for something. He's right, it does sound weird. LAUGHTER

Anyway, all I'm trying to say is they were asleep from where I... Why am I still talking? We should probably get some sleep. I mean, you know, don't we have a big heist or something? Well, I'm not sure what our plans are. We know where we're going, but we don't really have anything on our agenda, which is kind of how I like it. That makes me a little nervous. I prefer being regimented and told what to do. Well, you know, things these days are a little uncertain. Until we get to the clip clock crossing, we don't know what we're going to find, really. That's fair.

Plus, it's nice to just be free and not have rules and not have places to be or appointments to attend to or anything really to do other than to enjoy being alive. At least for another day, right? This is real nice. Yeah. So do we have any idea of what's in the crossing? Well, last time I checked, the news was...

Yeah, you would know that this is a bunny. I haven't spoken in like 15 minutes. You know that this is a rabbit clearing. It is controlled by the Marquisat.

It is the location of the headquarters of the Better Borough Bank, which is the primary bank that's in multiple clearings. There is, there's a lot of...

bread making. It's very much a bread basket. While much of the crops are grown in Pottsville, a lot of the baking and the cooking and the preparing of food and a lot of the shelters for food for those that are suffering and starving in the Dimwood are here at Click Clock Crossing. It is also the source of basically the biggest source of

sugar and honey in the entire Dimwood. There is lots of sugar cane, there are sugar beets, but it's mostly these massive apiaries where they have tons of bees, some gigantic, that produce tons of honey. And

You know, yeah, I would say that's probably, it's a good, it's on the river. It's on the river. And there's a lot of windmills all along the river for grinding all of that grain and producing all of that bread product. Do we know? Never, you said that right. Yep. That sounds amazing. Yeah, well, you know, it'll be good to get some supplies, perhaps. See what there is to do for fun. Or have a good holiday in Solo.

How long? Exactly right. We have to try their world-famous honey. But I love honey on cornbread, but I don't think that I can save it until we get there. Here's what we'll do. I will take this piece of cornbread from my stash, and I will save it for you so that you...

Wait, quick, look over there. And then when she's not looking, I hide it somewhere on my person. You can't find it until we get the honey. Deal? You promise you're going to save it for me? Yes, of course.

You're not gonna eat it. No, this isn't one of those instances where I lie to get something out of her. There's nothing I need. Are there ever instances where you don't lie to get something out of someone? Just this one, because I have the right already. Oh, you're a new man. No, it's just this instance. I already have the thing that she wants. I'm just gonna hold it for her. I'm not trading it for money. I just want her to be able to try it with the honey. The honey's really good. I really need it. I just need it. But it begs the question, um...

Would you have a second cornbread? Because with all that bread making business, there's also likely to be butter. And I would like to maybe try one with both honey and butter in a honey butter mixture. You know, I'm just going to eat this one tonight, but I'll save that one for you tomorrow too. Oh, you know what you could do? That one that he hid for you was really big. If you cut it in half...

You have two cornbreads! I don't think you know how that works. I was hoping you didn't know how that works. It's fine. It's fine. You're not wrong! I'll set them aside for you. You won't be able to eat them tomorrow. We can enjoy them with honey and fresh-made butter. Tomorrow? Tomorrow. You sure? Yes. Okay. 'Cause I don't like-- well, I still am gonna eat it, but I don't like it quite as much when it gets that crumbly bit. So make sure it's wrapped tight wherever you put it. Wrapped tightly in my bindle.

That's not a euphemism. It's my bindle. This is what I carry around. It's a sack of things. Why would you just tell her where it is? Well. That was a bad idea. It's not going to last an hour now, Booker. To be fair, we'll see what happens. You're going to steal it when he falls asleep on you. I would never do that from my friend. I would never. I wouldn't. I mean, we've all been, I've been very clear with all of you, and this is a rule for you too, that nobody goes in my bindle.

Alright? It's true. I've never been in his bindle. That's exactly right because you know what would happen if you did. What? What do? Say someone winning your bindle, what would happen?

severely, severely bad consequences. - For you or for them? - Oh yeah. - Does it hurt? - For all of the Dimwood. Oh wow. - Are you trying to convince me that your bindle is some kind of magical place of ecstasy? - We all know that one, magic isn't real until you created it. Until you created it is what I was going to say. - Well, there was a long pause there. - So of course the bindle is not magic.

History's first wizard. Wow. Well, I mean, history's not very long because it started on Thursday. Still impressive, though. Yeah, it's what, four days? You know, the first wizard in four days. Well, you know what they say. The best time to start was last Thursday. The second best time is to start right now. So there we go. And with that, good night.

And I'm going to use my bindle as a pillow and go to sleep. I'm going to cast Alarm. Oh! And so what I'm going to do, this is something that everyone except for Abitzi is used to, I'm going to walk around the perimeter and scope it out.

then out of my pack I'm gonna open a box of cicadas. And all night long those cicadas are gonna scream. All night long. That's all. - And they're like special dimwood cicadas, they're like this big each. And they actually go like, "Ahh!" "Good night!"

It's like a white noise machine. I don't think I can sleep without it anymore. Don't worry, Bitsy, you'll get used to it.

- But the thing is, they do get louder when someone comes near. - I'm sorry, I forgot your name. - What are you saying? - Is Bindle a sex thing? - Bixie, what are you saying? Speak louder, we can't hear you. - You gotta talk over the cicadas. - Is Bindle a sex thing? - No, no, it's a sack of belongings, like a backpack. - A sack of baloney? - A sack of baloney?

- Ah, things, my possessions, I think, you know what, I've had enough of this, goodnight! - It might be, we're really not sure. It's best not to think about it. - Some of us are getting naked and everybody's talking about bindles. - I'm slowly, I'm slowly dirting back into the belly. - Ah! - I hug the rest of my corn waffles into a pillow and just sleep on them. -

I just lay on my back in full armor and just go to sleep. I stack all of my coins into a tower on my chest. Thank you so much for the follow, Nicholas of Texting. Welcome! What do you do with the fire? Oh, we would... Oh shit, if we're not... Are we taking a... Yeah, I'll take first watch. We would probably leave it.

- Yeah, well no, we have alarm going, so I think we'd feel very confident. - Well then, if we decide not to do any kind of a watch, we would put it down. - No, don't put it out. No, we'll just let it burn. - Keep it really low. - Embers, we'd ember it. - Yeah, cold. - I'll take out my remote and turn it to lowest setting. - Yeah. - Exactly. - Not the alarm, the fire. - Oh. - Ah!

- As you see these large cicadas just fan out and just start screaming. And you're all used to it at this point. - Oh, this is nice. - Oh, cool. - I have every night. - And you all drift off to sleep. And you all doze off to nice, peaceful, dreamless sleep.

And then you hear, you feel like it's in her mind, just a screaming, "Aaah!" And the skeet has shrieked so loudly that you're all awoken. - Oh, I assume the alarm was when they stopped screaming. - Oh, it gets even louder. - Ah, Peggy, by the heavens, I didn't know they'd get louder! I jump up. - Oh no, that must mean something bad.

- It's mine, my corn muffins! What's happening? - Everyone get up! And I draw a dagger. - I'm right there casting invisibility. Take your clothes off, get into the woods. - I've dropped my coins! - Actually, it is pitch black now, except for a very low glow of embers.

from your campfire. I need you all to make a perception check for me. - Sure. - As you hear the sound of the dimmer all around you cracking and snapping. - 19. - 14. - 13. - 17. - 17. - I think this is bad. - Sorry, I'm using it. No. - Stop eating it. - Dear God. - I don't think my perception's very good. - Yeah, mine's not either.

Oh, there it is. Sorry, I'm using it on my phone for the first time because my iPad's dead. Oh, no, 20. Nice. So anyone who's at 17 or higher, you will see a flash of what looks like orange.

zip into your camp. It seems to be moving underneath a hood and you see a snout, a canine-like snout darting out as what looks like a young fox woman darts into your camp. And she's in this darkness with being jolted awake with all the screaming cicadas. Are they immediately dispersed now? No, not across the box.

- They're screaming. As you see her, those of you who got a 17 or higher, dart in and dive behind a log that is rising up as she attempts to remain undetected. But those of you who rolled a 17 have seen her. - Who succeeded?

- What is it? What is it? - Who's coming for my muffins? - Does anyone see anything? - Someone jumped behind that log there. - Who goes there? Who is that? - I'm gonna cast jump and with my legs, I'm going to leap to the cicadas and close the box. - You leap over and you land right in front of a hooded,

a hooded girl wearing very drab browns, very clearly trying to conceal herself. - Oh, I just wanted to close the cicada box. - Oh, okay, you do that. - I'll run over to her. I'll be right behind her. - You do that. And so you close the cicada box, and you go, "Aah!" And she looks at all of you and does this. And she points off into the forest.

Bromley, what is it? What is it? It's a fox goo, and she's telling us to be quiet. Oh, jeez, well, we should probably be quiet. Why? Does it make us more quiet if we turn the alarm off, or should we keep the alarm on so they don't think anything's wrong? I don't know. Oh.

I'm gonna jump backwards into the bushes quietly and try to hide myself. Yeah, I would get low, gather my things, and try to rush to where Grumly and Bitsy are, and then maybe position myself behind a tree to see what's going on and listen in. You see her there as she looks at you, and she's very just desperately hurt. She looks absolutely exhausted. She's panting.

as she looks between all of you and is desperately trying to get you to shut up. - Grumly, I think we're supposed to shut up. - And can I get a sense of if I think she means us harm? - Oh, insight check. - Ooh. - Ooh, no. - 21. - Nice. - Wow, rolling hot fire. - 21, as... - I'll pause the music here. How do I do that?

There's a little button with two lines, vertical lines parallel to each other. I just quickly out of Spotify. You, as you're quiet, you hear the sound of snapping and you hear now that it gets louder as you hear voices shouting back and forth. As there's the din is coming from the direction of Pottsville. As you hear what sounds like numerous voices

or at the very least multiple individuals running through the woods as quickly as possible. And you hear the sounds of heavy breathing as the snapping of trees and twigs in this forest all around you starts to grow louder and louder. And you hear a voice ringing out, I think she went that way! And it's coming closer to you.

Are you all attempting to steal? Yeah, I'm gonna hide. I'm gonna attempt to hide. I need a group perception check. Perception check? Oh, no, a stealth check, please. Oh, this one I'm good at, allegedly. Oh, you dicks. I got a 17. Gross. 17? Uh-oh. 14.

Uh-oh. I've got too many muffins in my arms. Bitch. What did you get? I got a 23-hole, 23. Peggy? I'm trying to get to my stealth. It's weird, the skills don't scroll. Yeah, it's really annoying. You have to, like, double scroll. You have to hold it and push in a weird way. Oh, boy. I got a 1. I got a 1. And I rolled a 2. No, I just rolled a 1.

As you hear huffing and puffing and you hear a voice saying, slow down, I think that she's close. It's too quiet. What was that screaming around you? As you see shapes, now your eyes adjusted to the darkness of this forest. It is just past a half moon.

as although the woodland this far in is quite dense, you see the bits of moonlight shimmering on the faces of these, or rather shimmering on the bodies of these individuals, and you see now the glow of torchlight as it gets nearer and nearer, and there's 11 figures approaching your campsite.

And you see that there are several mice, a handful of cats, and one you actually recognize. Shock of red fur, wheezing a lot more than the other ones. Oh, no. As you see Officer Fuzz. And you see, as they're all fanning out and searching, as you go, I think that she's around there.

She can't have gotten far. As they're all spreading out, you see they're moving a little bit erratically, not quite as adept at traversing this dense, dark forest. You see one figure step through very carefully.

And every motion perfectly measured, as you see that while most of them are wearing very simple leathers and some a little bit patchy, you see the uniform of the town guard for Officer Fuzz. And you see now the tabards of the Marquisat on all of them.

And the one at the lead is wearing a very heavy woolen coat with knee-high leather boots and is wearing a top hat of the kind that you would see by the individuals from New Felicia. And you see that it is – you hear it first as you see that it is on the head of a dog.

As it looks around, this very stoic, stern-looking dog looks around, and you see Officer Fuzz go up to him, and he's looking around very nervous.

I don't think we should be this far into the woods. There's a lot of monsters out here. She's going to be dead. And you see this dog who, Grumly, you would recognize this as some sort of hound, as some sort of...

An English foxhound would be, for the viewers at home, would be sniffing around and he raises his hand and immediately Officer Fuzz goes quiet. And he, there's a look of disgust on his face. And confusion at first. I smell a pug. What did you say? They have six of them.

as he walks around, as he walks closer and he points out in the direction as you see as you're peering through in the underbrush. Over there, capture them all. As it rains out, as you see then 10 of these, 10 of these guards, these Marquisat warriors, soldiers rather,

to approach in your direction. What do you all do? You have just a brief moment before they are upon you. I don't think we can take this. I'm going to look at the fox girl and just like put my hands up like, what do we do? I'll keep out into the clearing. No, there's no trouble. There's no trouble. You gotta be kidding me. Aye, aye, sir. Sir Grumly, uh,

of New Felicia reporting, "I've killed all the runaways, don't worry, it's all taken care of, they're all very dead, sir. Very nice to meet you, as you can see, military man myself, just nothing to worry about." As soon as he jumps into the clearing, I'm gonna whisper to myself, "Oh, Gromley, go fuck this up," and I'm gonna give him Varkin's Brick.

You do that as you leap out and immediately there are mostly swords. You see an axe and a spear levy themselves at you. You can tell now as you jump into the clearing that these are besides the three cats and this

this dog, this hound, everyone else is a conscripted or at least a volunteer from Pottsville. And they're mostly mice. You do see one squirrel. As they turn their weapons on you, and you can see now that these are not nearly the same kind of polished

polished soldiers that you would see in regiments patrolling the patrolling the roads or the yeah the roads to the in between clearings as they all turn their weapons on you and what was your deception roll? Oh, deception roll. Did I have you roll deception roll? No you didn't but I can yeah. Disadvantage please. Oh boy. Pretty good actually I mean like charisma's I guess I'm a pretty charming dog. Yeah.

Yeah. It was a four. Oh, pukes. Was it a 15 and an 18? It's 19. 19, yeah. Pretty good. That's pretty good. He looks at you and he just stares.

And Officer Fuzz, what was that? Do I recognize this guy at all? Do I know? I would say that you do not. You do not recognize him. As...

as he just simply watches and the Marquisat soldiers are looking back and forth at each other and then at you and Officer Fuzz looks at him and says, "Inspector Jarvis, what should we do?" And he narrows his eyes at you and says, "You're not one of mine." "I don't know what you mean by that, sir."

I'm a brave knight of these lands, you may have heard of me. I see you're a hound, very good nose, clearly, so I mean, I don't quite share the same features, so... No, I know that very clearly. Wouldn't be quite as good in the same line of work. What's he doing out in the woods? As he narrows his eyes and says, your armour's not polished.

Certainly not a regiment. You know, not technically. In a military war. Deserter? No, no, not deserted. Asked to leave, actually. But I'm still using my military training for good. Dishonorably discharged, then. Yeah.

You know, who's to say what's dishonorable or honorable, but yes. I'll hang my head. And so you've resorted to harboring rebels.

No, I resorted to vigilante justice, just like the Marquis would want. I heard that there was some ne'er-do-wells trying to pull over a heist against the poor mouse folk of Pottsville, so I hunted them down in the woods and brutally murdered them. I swear...

I cut their innards from their bellies. I sliced their throats wide open. I tore their eyeballs out from their skulls. He's really laying it on thick out there. I mean, Mikey's pretty convinced. Roll a deception check for me. Plus one D8 if you need it. Oh, D8? I'm 100% using it.

That was never picked out of bars. I was always asked to look. Been there, man. Been there. Pretty good. That's much better. Nice little boost. 17. Can't argue with that, Mike. Yep. Yep. He...

You see as he is completely stone-faced and the Marquis Zod warriors, soldiers, are looking like they're waiting for a command from this individual who was called Inspector Jarvis. And there's a very slight smirk that you can see, a glint of teeth.

in the torchlight as he looks at you and says, attempting to regain your station through vigilante justice. That's the idea, yes. I mean, it's sort of, you know, it's worth a shot. Resulting to lawlessness. A dog. Disgusting. You disgust me.

Well, you know, I'm trying my best. I'm just, you know, trying to help. You know, the Marquis de Cap, you know, is... You're lucky. You'll be court-martialed. Perhaps you will not be hanged. Bring the captors then that you have secured and release them to my men and we will not cut you down right here. The Marquis de Cap soldiers begin to enclose as the...

As you see the fox girl, she's looking around and between all of you and is very, was very confused when Grumly was talking about and telling his story. And you can see now that she's starting to creep a little bit further away from you all. Back off, and I'm gonna whip my halberd off. There's nothing more for you to do here. They're dead, just go away. I have it handled. You're gonna have to take my word for it.

I'm growling as menacingly as possible. Think about Remy when Derek walks in the door. He hasn't reached that far yet. He's probably... I am imagining just Remy in a full suit of armor. I am going to... Can I, like, peer through and... You can see this whole thing. You can see this whole thing. I would say that you were...

You were well hidden enough to not immediately be seen, but he was able to smell you out and with the Marquis Zot warriors would have found you anyway. - And I was aiming that at the goons that were coming towards me, not necessarily at Inspector Jarvis. - And with that, make an intimidation roll though very quickly for me. - 26. - Nice.

They immediately turn, and we'll use that also as a taunt roll, as they immediately turn their attention away from wherever they were heading, as

and they all turn to you and they all raise their weapons and they immediately are instinctively going to attack you. But as you swing your halberd, you are not particularly tall, but you have resolve and heart and you're very stout. - Yes. - And so you are an absolute chonk and so you swing it around. They are hesitating for a little moment and-- - How far away are they from me?

I would say, I mean, they're probably less than 20 feet from all of you. Oh, okay. When I see the fox girl, like, starting to leave, I'm going to look at her and just whisper, I'm not leaving, Grumly! If you have to go, go, but I'm not leaving my friend! And she looks at you and says, You're not with them. You mean those thugs? No! No!

and she looks at you and sees that Grumly is basically creating a distraction. She reaches into her hood and at that sign to run, she places something into your hand and immediately bolts off into the forest.

I would like to, if I'm allowed, because I've been watching this, and I see that they look like they're about to advance on Grumly. I pull out a contraption, which has a chamber that houses a bunch of stinkbugs.

Let's go. You see a tube where there's this weird yellow, pustulent gas that is coming from the stink bugs. And a rope that almost kind of looks like one of those bug sprayers. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna spray stink cloud all over them.

And what I will say is that if they continue to advance after that, I will already, I'll attack them. Just if they continue to advance. We're gonna get stink clouded here though. Kind of while he's taunting and doing all that, I would be kind of slowly moving it hidden in my bush trying to get...

- In the bush that I'm hiding in. - I don't know. - I could beat you in a bush. - I would say you can do all your roll, everyone else do that, make a stealth roll. So if you want to be completely unseen. - My goal being, yeah, my goal being to just get as close to one of them while staying hidden as possible.

And I have no fucking idea what's going on. So if I think that there is a fight about to start, I will run into it and start punching people to the best of my ability in fear, perhaps. 18. Okay, 18. I would say with a 26 intimidation, they are so focused on you. You feel a small wooden...

get pressed into your hand and she bolts. No one even raises an ear or an eye. She disappears into the forest, hopefully completely undetected as they descend upon, they're hesitant and they're giving you all enough of a moment. And you hear Inspector Jarvis, his voice call out very, very,

despite all of the chaos and the fear, the heavy breathing of his man, you hear him just very calmly say, kill him, capture the others. And they, that is immediately a trick to you. As you see, Peggy goes Mr. Game and Watch as she pulls out this and presses the plunger. There's a rotten egg

in there that all the bugs are in there. - Oh yeah, it is all of the worst smells that you could possibly imagine as it explodes all around you. - It's all around them. - All around them and Gremley. And as they burst, I need you to make a constitution saving throw. - Is it just damage?

No. I think it's like a stun effect. Oh, let's fucking go. I don't have Root Battle music. Oh, yikes. They all also have to make a cutscene from saving throws. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oops. Sorry. Twenty. Nice!

- 20? - That's enough. - That's enough. - I can do it at a point, so would it be possible for me to do it at a point that it doesn't hit Grumly? 'Cause they're standing in front of him. - They're all right there, I passed. Like, I'm good. - Okay. - So I would say that you're on the edge of it, you're not immediately incapacitated, you can just step out of that. Now that you passed, I'm just gonna roll once for them, they all fail. As all of them, actually I'll roll separately for Jarvis. He gets a 14.

- That fails. - That fails. - Damn. - And so the Stink Cloud is all kind of right around them. And yeah, and so you see the fox roll as she's sprinting in the opposite direction. And roll for initiative. - All right, let's go. - Let's fucking go. - Oh. - Natural 20. - Nice. - Ooh. - Unnatural. - Can you get cute on me?

Okay, 25. I got a 23. 22. 25. 25 for Bitsy. 5. 22 for Booker. 20 for Hazel. 20 for Hazel. Oh my gosh, you guys are fast. 15 to 20. I just rolled really well. 10 to 15? 14. 14 is Peggy. And then Grumman is that, that. Okay, 14. This is, um...

That's Jarvis and all, actually no, all of the cats, or the Marquis VIII warriors. Okay, with that, the Stink Cloud bursts out. Hazel, you're able to sneak up and you, despite her, you're able to sneak up and you, despite her,

despite all eyes and noses having been on you, the Stink Cloud is the perfect diversion as you disappear and start creeping up on them. Bitsy, you're up.

Yeah. Okay. You have two. I have two attacks, but it's one action. No, the action should be to use double attack. Right. You can attack two separate things. That's what I was asking. I believe so. The riches and rules guy. Yeah. You certainly can. Don't you hurt my new friend.

You're the most atrocious mini right now. I know, it's disgusting. I think it is important we talk about stinking clod. Oh, right, because it stays, right? Yeah, it stays. And they are heavily obscured. What does that mean? It increases their AC. How much? I don't know. Just as an advantage. Oh, just as an advantage. Is heavily obscured mean we can't see them at all? Yeah.

- Yes. - Shit. - And that's true about everyone, including Grimling. And I'm in the cloud too. - Captain Phantasmo. - Where is the cloud? How big is the cloud? - Yeah, what's the size of the cloud? - 20 foot radius of the cloud. - Fuck. - So it'd be like here. - Yeah. - So. - I would say you can make a perception check to see if you can see any of them in there.

Yeah, because it would be like swirling. Yeah, it'd be swirling. It'd be heavy, stink cloud. It's not like a complete pitch black. That's stinky. It's yellow. Yellow, exactly right. All right, so I can make a perception check, and if I succeed, then I can run up and hit the folks with that. You'll be able to see them inside. Oh, just to see them inside. That's a 15. I think that's enough. Yeah, that is enough. Um...

I'm not gonna run into the cloud of stink. Instead, what I'll do is I will look down for any rocks or something that I might be able to toss. I would say you can find plenty of rocks. Okay. And so I will learn how to play a monk for the first time in real time. Do it live!

Okay, I will pick up a group of rocks and just start tossing them into the crowd, trying as best I can not to hit Grumly, and I will make my first attack. That's going to be a... The lowest is going to be a 16 to hit. 16 will hit, yeah. Okay. I'll hit one for nine points of damage.

and the other four. - Number one. - Yeah, nine again. That's gonna be three and seven, let's say. - You chuck both rocks and you go as the

They're all puking. They're all choking. The sounds of their horrible retching, it fills your nostrils as much as the stink does, as they are all gasping. Oh, did you walk into it? They're so confused. As far as I can tell, I'm at the edge. I'm just hurling rocks into it, being like, fucking Pottsville sends their regards. And I think that'll be the conclusion of my turn. Actually, I'll move. How much damage?

- Nine and nine. - One and two? - Two, seven and three, yeah. - Nine and nine. - It looks like you crack one on the head. They're wearing armor, but these are not trained, super trained soldiers. - Okay. - Damn, I think this'll work. - With a head, book a turn. - All right. I'm not even gonna make a perception check to see if they can hear me because what I wanna do doesn't require, they just need to be able to hear me.

I believe. Creature of your choice within range that you hear. Yep.

Okay. So what I'm going to do is like, I'm going to take this wooden thing without really looking at it or thinking about it. I'm going to stick it in my pocket that this fox girl gave me thinking that I need to save my friend Grumly and make sure everybody's okay. I'm going to like creep through the woods and just skirt around the edge of this cloud to where I last saw the inspector. Okay. Did we hear him say his name? You heard Officer Fuzz say his name is Inspector Jarvis. All right.

I'm gonna like try to creep around the edge of this cloud to see where he is. And I'm gonna say, hey, Jarvis,

We all know that all you've done your whole life is look for your father's respect, and you've never been able to find it. You just wanted to open up a flower shop, but your father wanted you to go into the military. So here you are just trying to do your absolute best and please your father, and you'll never ever have his approval. And I'm going to use Dissonant Whispers on him. So I need you to make a... That's Empirica presection. Wisdom of 16 saving throw. Wisdom? Yeah. Your dad thinks you suck.

You were disappointed. I rolled a natural five, so he fails. All right, he's gonna take 3d6 psychic damage and must immediately use his reaction. Okay. Yeah, the reaction consequences are terrible. Oh my god. That sucks. He'll take three damage. Three damage? Fucking believable. I rolled minimum damage. No.

On my d6s, they usually roll max damage. I have to go and find out what the percentage of that is. It's one times six times six. Six times six times six. And so what does he use his reaction to do? Whatever he wants. If available to move as far away as the speed allows from you, the creature does not move into obviously dangerous ground, such as fire or a pit. On a successful stave, he takes half as much damage and he doesn't have to move away. A deafened creature automatically fails the save.

Yeah, he has to use his reaction to move, but I thought that... I'm pretty sure the stinging cloud prevents movement, right? No. So no, he can run. He can run. So... 0.46% chance. Not even half a percent. Yeah, that's pretty low. Half a percent. You see him as he's... And he's still trying to reserve himself, but he is still very shocked, and he stops.

as you say all of this, Booker. And there's a realization as you use those biting words and try to attack his deepest traumas. And you see a single tear run down his face. And he says, "I wanted to make you proud, Daddy!" And he turns around and falls in the other direction. - Amazing.

He has 40 speed. And with that, it is, is that your turn? - Yeah, that's all I got. - Hazel, you're up. - All right. Can I see three in front of me if he's in the cloud there? - Make a perception check to see. - A 10. - A 10, I will say you can attack him. I actually think a 10 is fine, yeah. 10 is the DC. - Well, thank you.

So from my crouched position in the bush, I have my little adorable camper's walking stick with a little acorn on the top and I'll flip it around and the bottom is actually quite pointy. And I will take a moment to steady my aim at this guard in front of me and then I will lunge forward and poke him, making an attack.

It'll be fine. 6 plus 8, whatever that is. Oh, 12. 14. 14 points of damage? No, 14 to hit. 14 hits him, yeah. 14 is the AC. And so because I took my steady aim and gave myself advantage, I will get sneak attack damage on her. So these have more than 9 hit points of these? Yeah, these are not minions.

- They're like legit soldiers. - Outrageous. - Outrageously bad. - Again with three ones. - Yeah. - Four ones. - So 13 damage. - 13. This is a cat and he's got shaggy gray fur because he's puking. - Is he a Maine Coon?

Yeah, sure, exactly. And there's puke all in his main coon fur and now blood. As you take your stick and you pierce him through the chest, he spits up blood and it's really disgusting as his eyes roll back and collapses. Oh god! Oh! Dead. I just... He's dead. Pull him off. Yeah, you can get rid of him. Oh jeez!

- Okay, is that your turn? - That's my turn. - Is he, is he continuingly under the... - Well, if he failed a saving throw, it says that he lost his turn. He loses his turn for the Stinking Cloud, but I guess that doesn't affect his reaction. - That's at the start of his turn now. So because he's no longer in it, he wouldn't be affected. - Okay, I'm gonna roll for him real quick.

As he runs away, he's going to sniff and see as all of his soldiers are puking and retching and you all have basically ambushed them. And he hears the death throes and the cries as they're all completely helpless. He takes one look at the battlefield and he says, "I will not forget this.

bug and he turns around and he just sprints in the other direction. I'm so dead. Okay, Peggy, you're up. Um...

Fireball's not a concentration. So I'm gonna take a bottle that's clearly got moonshine in it. And on the top there is a match and a bit of abrasive attached to a string. And as I throw the bottle, I hold onto the string. And as the string pulls, the match lights, the bottle explodes and crashes down on them as I fireball. Oh my god!

You throw this bottle of Flaming Moonshine into the crowd of these Marquisat soldiers. - That's 86. - Yeah, that's why it's so good. - Sorry, no, please. - You got a Rundex too. - Yeah, so it's dexterity soldier. - He's probably not very good.

- I think you need to be anywhere between 14 and 17. - 18, 21, 24 points of damage. - That could be worse. - Yeah, it probably won't. - It could be better. - Yeah, I'll roll a 10 total. - That fails. - 24 points of damage. So I'm, if they succeed, they barely survive. So I'm just gonna roll down the chain and see.

Oh wait, no, the two that Cordy hit are killed instantly. - The other one dies. - Oh, the other one. - So we're gonna roll for one, he dies. Two, what's the DC? - 16. - 16, he dies. Three, if he's still alive. - No. - Four, he dies. - Five. - Five survives. Five survives. Six.

He dies. Eight. Eight. He dies. Nine. Nine. He dies. Ten. He survives. Oh my God. He survives. Oh gosh. So you, it is an absolute horror show.

As the stinking cloud, it's not just stink, now it's burning alcoholic stink. - I'm so sorry! - And bodies. - And burning cat hair, burning mouse fur, the squirrel is dead.

As you hear the screams of these Marquisat soldiers, as the fire ignites, their puking and screaming is absolutely disgusting. And there are two more that are retching as they're going to make their turn and attempt to succeed the constitution saving throw. - Jesus, just run! Save yourself!

Natural one. I'm gonna roll for... So that was number 10. So that was number 10. Number five. That's a 17. That passes. That one is gonna be Officer Fuzz. That's narratively good. Okay.

- Holy shit. - His fur is singed, he has large jowls and all of his whiskers are burning as he just is puking and he-- - I'm picturing the cat from "Fightful Goes Worse." - Yes, exactly right, exactly right.

Oh, that's his voice now. Oh god! As he starts, "Oh, Officer Fluff out!" As he starts running, and he is terrified. He is going to start-- We're lucky he didn't use the old lazy eye. He's gonna use-- The old lazy eye. --he's gonna use feline agility in order to move

double 30 times to sprint is be 30, is 60. And then Feline Agility doubles it. - So he don't. - Let's take a look. I've got that. - He's off the mat. - It is. - It's not, no. - You can double your speed until the end of turn. That's it. - Yes, so he's gonna move 120 feet.

away from the Inspector Jarvis as he's gonna start running desperately, clinging onto life. - As he leaves my reach, 'cause I have a halberd. - Yep. - I will use my reaction to make an opportunity attack. - Please do. - Non-lethal. - Oh, okay. - I'm gonna turn around and try to trip him. I'm disadvantaged 'cause I'm still in the stink cloud. - Yeah. - Oh, and I, is it a start of your turn? - It's a start of your turn. - Okay, so I don't have to calm stage. - That was just more for flavor.

Okay, natural one. I miss.

- He, he swung at him. - Just let him go! - As he starts running, his fur is burning, he's bleeding, other tears streaming down his eyes. He is very full of corn-based sweets and goods and products. - Unfortunate. - I don't know how you feel! - Unfortunate for him. - And he runs in the direction that Inspector Jarvis made his way to.

And the other one is puking. Grumly, you're up. I will, after having missed... And then I'm going to come and non-lethally attack... Oh, yeah. You gotta roll the constitution saving throw. Looks good for me. Passes, I'm sure. 16. Yeah, I pass. I will make a disadvantage non-lethal hit just to knock this guy out. This might hit.

I'm surprised that the two most important NPCs thus far have survived. By sheer luck.

I mean, if I made the other guy. Kim has a great point. We need to make ear headbands for our characters. Oh, I got one. I sure got one. I had them from Root. Oh, that's a great idea. I wanted to get a hat, but I have to look online to see if I can find a beaded hat. I got a 14. A 14? To hit? Yeah. That's their AC. I said it earlier. Check the tapes. Um...

- Oh, Zach, I thought you said you were gonna burger off for the night. - Eight. - I'm really hungry. - This is one of the remaining cats. So you've slaughtered the local denizens, and now the occupying cats, you finish off as you take your halberd, flip it around, and just knock him on the head. And there's almost just a sweet relief from being burned and throwing off in this horror show that's around him, as he sees like .

Thank you. Oh, god. Mercy, Mercy, put him down here. As he hits the ground. I'll say killing, because he's alive.

- As he hits the ground. - I'll step out of the underbrush. - And that is why I call myself the great and powerful Peggy. - I really went pear-shaped really quickly. You know, if we weren't criminals before, we are now. - I think I killed someone. - Well, I think we killed a lot of people. Look, there's like nine bodies here. - That is the first time I've ever cast my fireball. I don't know where I'm gonna get another match. - There's broken glass everywhere. - Peggy, you've become more powerful than God.

I told you I created magic. I'm pretty sure she is, girl. What are we going to do with these smoldering corpses? I didn't have the heart to kill him. We leave him here and let nature reclaim the flesh. I can heal him. The fox girl took off and she gave me, oh, that reminds me. And I'll reach in my pocket and I'll go grab the... I can't believe she'd just leave us like that. Interrupt our sleep and bring all that noise upon us and then run.

What you find is an etched medallion that seems to be carved into the top of an acorn.

And it seems to be, you see a splash of green. It looks to be a closed gloved fist with three orange triangles on it. As it seems to be just a strange little carved down the top of an acorn. - I'll hold it up. This is all it was, some sort of medallion. Have I ever seen this symbol before? - You know. - You know. - Make, why don't I make a history check?

I would love to. And because, wait, you are from Muck Bed Creek. I feel weird doing sexy noises. Here, you take over. Yeah, let's do like cute noises. Oh yeah. Oh, oh yeah. 19. Um...

- Don't make it weird, Derek. - You see, you recognize the symbol. - Don't make it weird, Derek. - He recognized the symbol. - Don't make it weird, Derek. - You recognize this symbol. This, you had seen it with, you had seen it on some paraphernalia of some shady looking customers talking in secret, meeting in tavern bars after they've closed.

And you know that this is associated with the rebels of the forest, the Woodland Alliance. - Oh.

Oh, no. What? Well... What is it? You know me. I really don't like to get involved with all these politics and wars and things. And, well, this is certainly the symbol of the Woodland Alliance. And those are some shady characters. I certainly don't know of any of them personally, but they, you know, they're always meeting and doing things under the cover of darkness. I mean, surely they must be up to something against the Marquis. They have to be. But I don't know. Maybe that girl was with them. She just put this in my hand and ran.

Do you think she's part of it? It's probably possible. Or she was trying to frame you. So that if they captured us, you would have that symbol on you and they'd be like, well, this schmuck. The only reason I don't think that's the case is she asked me if we were with them. And I told her that we weren't. And she handed me this. Because she wanted you to appear like you were. I didn't get that vibe. Maybe she wants us to find a group. For what purpose?

I don't know, give the acorn back. But they wouldn't overthrow the Marquis' art. They're definitely up to something. I mean, those are the whispers, for sure. The Marquis' has brought industry and jobs to the Dimwood. Yeah, but they also woke us up in the middle of the night and tried to kill us. Yeah, but then we killed all them. Yeah, but... They were just doing their job. They started it, really. Look, to be fair, they were already in the process of dying anyway.

Aren't we all? That's my point. Oh, you're so wise. They're definitely going to be looking for us. Our faces are going to be on wanted posters in no time. Did they see us? They did see Grumly, so I think it'll be his face on the slide. They know I'm a pug. I mean, Officer Buzz survived and he saw us run from Bottsfield. Oh no. We should really get going.

Yeah, I'm going to wrap this thing up and stick it in my bag. What? Do you think we can go back to Pottsville now? I think that's the last place we ought to go. That's where Officer Fuzz lives. I don't think we can go back there. But that's where my home is. You said they were going to kick you out. Well, you were leaving is what you told us. Pitsy, you're one of us now. Your home is on the open, well, not so open, really it's just kind of sneaking around.

- The woods mostly. - And because Hazel's putting in very nice terms, what she's saying is that you're an accessory to murder. As we all are now. - You know, you're an outlaw. - Just but most importantly, an accessory to murder. - Yeah, so I would suggest that you spend some time with the box and get to know the cicadas. This is Cindy, Carl, Chance, Chauncey, Chester. - That was Chandler. - Oh, Chandler. - Chevy.

Chase. Well, hi. What's an accessory? Oh, it's, um... Ah! The cicada screamed. No, no. I don't even think we should stay here. We can't camp the rest of the night here. An accessory is kind of like a... It's like a necklace or a scarf.

So it's not like you are the main event to murder, you're the scarf to murder. Like when I play Minecraft. I don't know what that means. It's like a craft but it's mine. I'm sure. I think... Does that make sense? No. I think it does.

- Yeah. - I think we should probably just-- - We gotta go! - No, we should stay here. Think about it this way. We just killed a bunch of people.

- You all did. - You did most of it, to be fair. - No, it was mostly you. I mean, you nearly killed like a dozen people. - I just tried to talk to the inspector and he ran away. - I just didn't realize how close in the smoke he was. I just stabbed out and there, oh gosh, I cut all of him then. - There's blood on your walking stick. - I haven't re-stained this wood in a while. It's gonna stain.

Not the good stain! I don't want the blood stain! I was hoping for like a... a nice... Mahogany. Ify, my point is, if they were gonna come looking for us, the last place they would think we was gonna stay is the place where we killed everyone. They're quite literally gonna go, "They're not that stupid."

Well, they'll probably recover their bodies for their families. Oh, God. I don't think he had a family, did you? They had not much bodies left for them to retrieve, to be quite honest. You recognize all. Oh, no. I think that we should trust the creator of the world.

What? What's that mean? You're always so cryptic. Well, Peggy created the universe. She created magic. I think we should all listen to what she said. On last Thursday, Peggy created light and magic. Look at her. She holds the power of a thousand suns in the palm of her hand. About 30 seconds ago, she created shit in my pants. I can't believe it.

Take inspiration. Which one of you cowards created shit in my pants?

It just emerged. The name of your staff is Rich Mug and Murr. It's true, now it is. There's no way I'm staying here. We can't stay here. I mean, I'm not sleeping next to these dead bodies. The smell, the hair. I'm covered in burn wounds. Look at me. I'm not even...

I'm not even hungry. It smells so bad. I mean, I could snack a little, but not even a full meal, I swear. Let's at the very least get away from this place and at least head towards where we're going and maybe we can find a place to camp out for the night. Hagee, what do you say?

I think the booker comes up with a lot of really good ideas. And so I think if you're, if, if Hazel can't even eat a full meal next to this, it's probably not the right place. Let me look at it. It's covered in disgusting steam. One of their skins pops. Ugh!

You know, I've been wandering... They're starting to look like chicharrones. I've been wandering for a very long time, and this is easily one of the most disturbing things I've ever witnessed. It smells like a combination of fox and burnt turds. That's exactly what I'm thinking. I've got to go. That's literally what it is. Oh, Jesus. Don't you know, when you die, you shit yourself, and they

It's on fire, so that's literally what it is. All right, all right, let's walk this way. Let's walk this way. And as I'm trying to corral everybody, I look over my shoulder and I think to myself, "Oh my god, the way that one guy went up in flames "and was dancing, ah, ah!" And I'm pushing us towards the woods. Wait, isn't one of them still alive?

He's not our problem now, Fitzy. We have to go. Booker, you hear, as you're pushing everyone away, you hear something. And you hear, Booker. What? You turn around. What? Yes, I do turn around. And you see the flash of a mouse skull as you see the screaming, shrieking skull of a...

a mouse Marquisot soldier burning alive. It replays in your mind just for an instant. And then you suddenly look down and he's just staring up. Just a horrible...

burnt corpse, but not moving. I will wipe sweat from my brow. Hurry, move along, quickly. I wish you shouldn't help that guy. No, no, no, walk forward, go. And I'm gonna be almost aggressive as I pull Bitsy along and... I'm sobbing and pull out a corn muffin to dry my tears and then eat it a little bit. Delicious.

Well, I personally think that that went swimmingly well. It could have been so much worse. Is this what your days are like and your nights are like all the time? Not usually. No, I think that's the most exciting it's been in a while, but I am new to the magic thing, so I might have gone a little overboard. We've been pretty good at avoiding conflict for the most part, but...

That was something else. That was exceptionally violent. I didn't think it was going to completely melt the skin off of their bones, so I at least know my magic's improving. I think that person's going to die. We just left him out there. He's just going to die.

At least you'll wake up some empty bodies. Should I go fast? I'm fast. I can just go back. No, no, no. If you go back alone, you'll be picked off by something, anything. Who knows whether it be them coming back to pick up the bodies like Grumly suggested or some horrific monster. We're sticking together. We're moving forward, all right? Can we bring him with us and then, you know, we can heal him on the way? We're already out here, so...

At least 20 steps back. Yeah, it's literally 20 steps back. It's already come so far from me. I don't know. I'm just going to go back. It's like 20 steps.

I feel like if anybody's gonna get lost in 20 steps, it's you. - And to me, fair. - And I'll go big legs. - You're carrying all of your coins in your hands, so how are you gonna pick 'em up? - I forgot my coins, I gotta go back for my coins. - I'll go back with Bitsy and pick up the guy. - All right, we'll wait here. I can't get back, I can't get close to the bodies again, ah.

Oh, right. Did we not want to kill him? Did I overstep? Oh, right, mate. Here we go. Come on. You're going to be okay, maybe. We didn't really go into it with a plan. I think, you know, we all just tried our best. At the end of the day, it was them or us, but good Lord, Peggy. Good Lord. He's a newfound thing. It's going to take me a while to learn how to control him. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- Bitsy's money is called Bitcoin. - You pick up this soldier, barely breathing, barely hanging on, but you can, although he's unconscious, you can hear the shallow breath. Most of his fur is very heavily singed, but you managed to pick him up with your strength. And as long as you're deliberate about it, you'll be able to carry him.

Sorry about all your fur. What kind of animal was he? His cat. Cat? His cat, yep. We're going to be able to help him out. You can help him? I think maybe. I got some sap and stuff. All right, well, I might be able to help him too. I'm pretty, you know...

I can invigorate pretty well, you know. I could finish the job if you wanted to get quick. No, no, no. Well, actually, now that you bring that up, what are we gonna do with him? We can't just bring him to Click Clock Crossing. I mean, they're gonna be like, where did you get this smoldering, very smelly, nearly corpse-ish forest person? And we're gonna be like,

Peggy lit them on fire. So what's the plan here, Grumly? Oh, you're right, and he's a soldier that can corroborate it all. I thought you were knocking him unconscious just to leave him so that he could be recovered, not that we were going to babysit him. Oh, Jesus, he smells. Why are his pants only half brown?

Oh, God. I have to sit down. I have to go over here and sit down. Is this a new form of linen? Calico linen? The front's yellow, the back's brown, and right near his ankles, it's tan. I don't think about it.

i'm gonna i'm gonna reach in my pack and uncork a bottle of uh of like whiskey and like pour myself a little bit in a tin cup yeah please brumley tell us what the plan is now probably i don't know what the plan is i just feel bad okay and as you see like the lot of the fur is singed off and like but you get a sense that it is actually a calico cat oh no

Um, do you want to try to help him? Well, I could try. All right, well, here you go. And I'm just holding the can. Hey, hey, wake up. Are you okay? Is everything going to be all right? How are you feeling, buddy? Is everything going to be all right? What's going on? Hey. Hey.

He doesn't seem like he might be dead already. He certainly smells dead. He smells dead and he's breathing very shallowly. Let me try a little. I got my pocket right here. What are you pulling out? A salve. You gotta work it all in.

And I will apply it to the burn wound in a very general, broad-stoked, rough manner and just work the entire body, just stroking and getting in through the skin. Somehow he smells worse now. It's like buttering under a turkey. No, Bitsy, stop! You're making things worse! This certainly can't be helping! It's gonna be

I'm not a doctor, but this is not right! Um, and I will take two actions if I can to, uh, heal him quite a bit. Uh, he's healed 14 points. You do that, and this is very rough, and it just let...

He's just a complete ragdoll. It's flaking off. It smells terrible. But whatever strange sort of foraging that you've done in the woodland-- I pick up everything. --that very few would venture out. And although your friends don't really realize you're being an outcast for your heretical ideas and how much you've gone into the forest to gather herbs, you become a vagabond in your own right.

and just have finally found a band of vagabonds to join with. - To vagabond with. - Oh my. - Oh, we're vagabonding. - I should have thought about that. - That's so nice. - Take an inspiration. - Thank you. It turns out that the vagabonds were the friends we bonded with along the way. Oh God, Bitsy, please hurry up. - Stay away from my vag.

as he is completely covered and you see as it actually works very quickly as the breathing steadies and the wounds that he has and the horrible, I guess it's all just entirely burns, as it starts to like his skin starts to return pink and you actually see the fur starting to sprout out. He's still unconscious for four hours. He's crusty and juicy, but I think he's going to be okay. I think that the

The forest, uh, uh, poultice well was able to do its work. Alright, that's great. Now what do we do with him? Now what? We should leave him here with some corn products, maybe. You know, he's gonna get hungry when he wakes up. Well, did you save any corn products? How do you know he's gonna be hungry? I mean, we're just gonna give him...

our food because you think he's going to be hungry? I mean, he's had a rough day. Well, I'm already hungry. Wow, that was quick. Really, right after the massacre. All of a sudden you're hungry now. I said a little snacky before and now that the smell's worn off a bit. I mean, she just killed a guy. She stabbed him in the throat. It's hungry work. I didn't realise your stick was so sharp. I didn't read that. I thought it would be more of like a... Yeah, I mean, it was...

impressive I guess it's just from all the walking it whittled it down to like really you think he should probably like leave a note in his chest not in his chest on his chest that says like sorry we burned your friends alive magic is a new thing for us

Well, we shouldn't apologize. You know, it sort of lowers our cred. Especially if we're trying to get in with these, you know, Woodland Alliance. Not that I'm for that at all. Well, yeah, who says we're getting in with the Woodland Alliance? But in case we find them and they're kind of cool, you know, and we need to get in, we shouldn't, like, you know, be like, sorry.

Maybe we should. I feel bad. I didn't think I was going to burn their flesh off of their bones, is all I'm saying. I thought I could just drop some fire on them and they'd run away. I mean, when you use a spell called Fireball, I mean, you named it Fireball. Yeah, because it creates a ball of fire. That's an understatement. Have you ever done that before?

I've tested smaller versions of it, but this is the first time I've used a full mace in Jar of Moonshine. So... And the combination with the stinking cloud as I think what made that really loud boom when they hit. I feel like that's not too bad. For someone who created the whole universe, that's only a little smidgen of your power. Yeah, to be fair, it really is...

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna leave him with a corn muffin. I'm going to have donuts with a corn muffin. Well, it better be one of your corn muffins, because the only corn products that I have left are the ones that I'm saving for her tomorrow for the honey and the butter! Oh, I'm going to remember. I didn't want to be rude and have to remind you. The face of that guy that you lanced like a boil is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. It's my own corn muffin, okay? I took it from my own bag.

I had it. I bought it at the bake sale. Yeah, no, we were doing so well. And now we're all mixed up in. You didn't notice there was a bake sale because you stole everything. That's right. He was raising money for sick children. And I didn't exactly steal everything. I was taking alms. There's a difference. Those people were very happy to give us their money. They thought it was going for a cause. If you're sick, you're really not going to be that hungry anyway. So it's not like they need it.

You know, they're released. Look, I bought some baked goods from the bake sale result, and I have some of me own stuff with my own money. You know we can buy stuff. Well, that's why we stole the money, yeah? Did you have any more of those thin mints that you bought off of that girl in that weird green uniform? Oh, I don't know. How did you see her? I think we ran out of those like a week ago. Maybe you didn't get my N.A. What's a thin mint? It's like this really delicious cookie thing. It's...

You know, thin and minty. - And everything was a little squirrel, a little squirrel scout. - Yeah, it was a squirrel scout and she was, it was like five silver a box. - Yeah, they were very aggressive in the marketing tactics. - And they would only take silver, like they wouldn't even, I couldn't even give them one gold for two boxes. It had to be five silver pieces. - That's how they get you. - I know. - And it's like, you know, you don't even really wanna buy a box, but they force it on you, you feel obligated. - They wouldn't even take credit from the bank.

Highway robbery. Anyway, no one touched this cord. And they get you with their small girly wiles, where they're like, but I'm a squirrel scout. And then you just, all of a sudden you have 15 boxes of cookies and you're like, how the fuck am I going to eat all these cookies? That's right. We could all learn a thing or two from them. I always liked the Samoas. They were always out of those ones. Oh shit, I forgot my coins.

- We are at least 20 feet away from your coins again. - All right, look, we've left the guy a corn muffin. What are we gonna do now? Leave him a note with a frowny face that's like, "Don't come after us, here's a corn muffin." It's a little bit of a mixed message.

We don't have to leave him a note. He'll understand what to do with the corn muffin. I go and get my coins. No, I'm more worried about what he's going to do when he finds the smoldering remains of his comrades. Well, maybe then I'll carry him at least a mile away. Then I'll drop him down in the woods. No, you know what? I'm going to carry him to the edge of the forest because the forest is very dangerous when you're unconscious for four hours. I hope that when you go back to get him, there's somebody... There's like a wolf eating him or something. LAUGHTER

Drawn in by the corn muffin. I go back to get it. He's dead. Were you also going back to get your coins? Yeah, I got my coins. You walk past Bitsy and she carries your coins. And you go back to...

to grab him. And in the dead of night, you see a bunch of eyes, glowing red eyes, and in the treetops and in the bushes as they've been descending closer and closer to him. And as soon as you step forward with your loud clanging armor, they immediately skitter and you find this calico cat with a corn woven on.

I will pick him up, and I will say, "It's alright, I'm gonna get you 30 wits." He's dying. And I'll take him to the... I'll take him to the... I'll... with the group. Okay. You eventually, you hear like a kind of a strange like insectoid screech, or hiss rather, as you step away and you take away the prey of these creatures of the forest, and you rejoin the group.

Alright, well, I guess we'll just take him to the edge of the clearing and we'll just leave him there and then we'll, you know, I guess he'll be close. No, this is fine. There's absolutely no way this will bite us in the ass. He might appreciate that we saved his life. I think that that's a really nice thing that you did. Ooh, a corn muffin! Oh, shit! Oh! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

You know, it's a miracle. The rest of you take inspiration, you guys have just been fucking nailing it. It's a miracle that you haven't drowned in a bowl of soup thus far. I hate soup. That explains it a little bit, I suppose. How far are we from Click Clock? You would probably need to travel...

Probably going on a direct... He pulled the map. Huh. Pulled the map. I think what we should do while we're looking at the map

You know, theoretically, looking at a map. We should travel to the edge of the forest, we'll leave him a place that you feel comfortable, we'll just find a place to spend the evening, they have to have an inn or something, and we can spend the money that we just got from our spoils, and we'll just lay low at the inn, alright? Until morning, and we'll decide what to do. Is that reasonable? That's fine, yeah, I just think it would be nice to sort of, you know, give this guy a chance. Right, so we'll leave him on the edge of the clearing, and we'll get out of there, and we'll spend the night at an inn, even if we only get a couple hours of rest.

- All right, let's do it. - Okay, I'll say for you, you hear the snapping of branches as you make your way through, as you see what might be a gigantic spider making its way to its burrow, but you're able to avoid it. You know these woods after being vagabonds for as long as you have for, you know them well.

and being a little bit more careful, you can see through the canopy of this dense wood, the sun peeking through as morning arrives, as you walk through the night, carrying this salved calico cat and your coins. And eventually you hear a faint distant buzzing.

but it's not that growling, monstrous buzzing of that huge fly you had seen, what seems like so long ago. It sounds like dozens, hundreds, thousands of bees

As you see the forest start to get less and less dense and become more sparse, you finally leave the dangerous woodland of the Dimwood behind you, all of the beasts and other strange things and dangers that lurk there, to the safety, at least for now, of a clearing, a town.

clock crossing and as if on cue you hear the gonging of the morning bell from a great clock tower uh in the center of the city um and you see the uh predominantly uh

bunny-dominated clearing as they're all waking up, going about their day. You see the windmills and the water mills continuously grinding away as you see a quaint village in this clearing.

you see not too far from the clock tower another very major feature of this clearing is a massive, massive tree or at least it was at one point perhaps thousands of years old

but no boughs, just no great canopy. Some branches that have been snapped off or burned off, but a great mansion, almost palace, that has been built into the top of this ancient tree.

And as you make your way down, carrying this healing, stirring and not close to death calico cat, Marquis Zot Soldier, able to throw a cloak over him to shroud him from onlookers, people here, and for the most part, denizens of the Dimwood, wanna be left alone and they wanna leave other people alone. They just wanna live their lives the best that they possibly can. And you're able to make your way

into the town of this clearing. As you see the apiaries, you hear the buzzing of bees, you see a massive plump bumblebee fly over once or twice. And you see, as you enter the large, a massive mound covered in grass with a large sign that says the Betterborough Bank. You know that this is the financial center of the...

of the Dimmuid as well, with many streets going out. And then that's when you hear the regimented marching of soldiers. As you see a handful of town guard leading a chain gang.

of prisoners, of all variety of species, except for cats. As they're making their way through the town, at the head of this chain gang is not Gordon Ramsay, but a massive ram, a hulking, hunched,

dumb, dim-witted looking beast of a man, of a ram, with a huge underbite and curved horns as he occasionally yanks it and sometimes the prisoners, several bunnies, you see a mouse, um,

You see what looks like an otter, a lizard. You actually see a bird, what looks like a blue jay, with its hands bound, its wings tied to it. And as you see the massive ram turn the corner, the guards flanking behind, pulling these prisoners to perhaps a jail,

And along with the other Marquisant buildings, such as the workshops, the recruitment centers and the like, you see as the final yank of the chain, a hood fall off the last of the members of this chain gang. And you see orange fur and pointed ears. As you see that same fox, the rebel of the Woodland Alliance has been captured by the Marquisant. And that is where we'll end the session. Oh!

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