Twas the Night Before Witchlight | A Yuletide One-Shot
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. All around Avantris, a snow has begun to fall. In the deserts of Nekbeth, the people look up to the sky in question as snow begins to drift down from the heavens. It's strange, but it's beautiful. No one seems to question it too much as the children enjoy the first snowfalls they've ever seen in places that have never gotten it. Four people

stare up to the sky. Bitsy, Chuckles, Briggsie, and Torbeck all look up and wonder at separate places around the world as the snow falls and lands on their nose. The snow does not stop, and over the course of hours, it begins to blanket the ground around them. As all four of them, over the course of the evening, eventually make their way to homes or taverns or places of...

cozy in warmth to get out of the snow and to lay their heads down for the night. And all of them are met by a strange little gnome female with curly red hair, a button nose, and rosy cheeks. And she makes her way up to each of them with a piping hot mug of peppermint hot cocoa. And as she talks to them about the snow and this time of year...

They sip from their mug and enjoy the warmth and the sweetness. And eventually, against their will, they begin to fall into a slumber. Oh, I've been drugged! I spilled hot cocoa all over my lap! I'll be drugged! Their sleep is dreamless and warm, but eventually their limbs feel frozen and cold.

their teeth begin to sh- fucking my teeth! Oh, you guys are doing this! You gotta go for it! Oh, there we go! There we go! There we go! Oh. You guys should have to make Torbek face. Just make Torbek face. Yeah.

- Oh my god, can I please get through this? We only have a limited amount. - I've been drugged and frozen. - Okay, I'm going to say immediately that I was very much considering not allowing chuckles for this very reason. - We're gonna start calling them fuckles. - All of you feel the warmth leave you as a biting cold wind whips at your bodies and you awake,

But you are no longer in your home or tavern or a place that you had found cozy and an escape from the winter. It's just a dumpster. It is just the biting cold, frigid winter of the North. And as you look around you, you're alone, each of you. You're surrounded by tall evergreen trees, completely coated in a soft blanket of fresh snow.

The wind whips through the spaces between the trees and lashes at your body as you shiver. You look down and you're, oddly enough, dressed appropriately for this weather. And you remember the face of that woman. And you remember the cocoa.

You don't remember how you got here. You pinch yourself to make sure that you're not dreaming and this is definitely not a dream. You begin to move through the forest and you hear the sound of, I am going to make you change your character. - Like literally like in the first 10 minutes. - I am literally going to make you change your character. - Oh, a polo man! - Shut the fuck up. - I assume it would be a landmine.

- I will be the DM that kills Juggles. Can I please just get through this fucking intro? Jesus. I would like to redeem 10 naughties. You make your way through the snow.

And you do eventually hear these sounds of movement. And eventually, you all find yourselves facing each other, almost in sync, as you stare around and you see people you have never seen before. Well, hi! Oh, this is surprising! Oh! Strangers in the woods with no one around?

"What were in those fucking drugs?" "What drugs?" "Oh, it's not like a weird trip, and I'm just in bed or like in the street?" "Why would this be a weird trip to the Lord's Talking Mouth? You're a crocodile, man, seems to be dead. I am a clown that can't take off my flesh glove."

I've never been called large before. - And that guy's wearing a can of beans for a hat. - Oh! - The thing is a normal day. - This is much more beautiful than the dumpster.

Oh, that's what that smell was. Yeah, sorry. That's just Torbac. Oh, it's okay. I used to be a street magician in Kaltika, so the goblin piffy-kiffy smell doesn't bother me. What's your name? Oh, my name is Chuckle. Oh, Torbac's name is Torbac.

Normally I have to act to shake the hand. You might have some nerve damage. It'll go away in a couple months. Ow!

I think the nerve damage is from all the alcohol. Oh, yeah, or perhaps the biting cold. Isn't that little string that does winter with everywhere? Snow came even in places where it shouldn't have been. What's your name? You haven't heard of me? No. Oh, no, I've heard of him. How are we supposed to know if we've heard of you if we don't know your name?

You gotta know who I was if you have any secrets. And I'll pull the- Whoa! Still haven't, not ringing any bells. Oh, I can do that too! Oh my gosh, we have the same power! I'll reach out, my bowler cap, I'll pull it off and I'll reach out, I'll pull out a butter knife. Oh, hold on, some muffins, okay, some butter, hmm. Oh, you brought snacks! Oh, I did! Would everyone like some?

- Shoot, thanks. - Yeah, if this is real. - Yeah, I mean, I swiped some of the-- - I'm gonna wake up later with the hangover. - I swiped some of the drugs off of that gnome. And I made the muffins. Did a gnome drug you too? Wait, did a gnome drug us? - Oh, Torbek very routinely wakes up in places he did not go to sleep in. - I just assumed that the universe got reset like it does every Thursday.

It was a surge day! Oh! Wait, I was at a circus after-party, and I went to use the little clown's room and I left my cocoa unguarded. I don't know.

You didn't tell us your name. Oh, I'm Briggsy. Oh, Briggsy. It's nice to meet you. I'm Torbeck. Is this some kind of bit I should know about? Are you going to hurt Torbeck? No. Okay. You shake my hand.

And my hand will detach and I'll step back. It's still moving. Torbeck is up in the snow and recoils several feet. Oh, did Torbeck hurt you? No, no, but it doesn't come with nerve damage. It stands up and it'll crawl. And I'll pull up a stump. It'll just be spurting blood. It's going to tap on your shoulder. Oh, no!

And a big, goofy, fat clown glove will be pointing at his chuckleless hand, and blood is gushing. This is the hand napper! I just heard about the stories of the hand napper! You guys are funny. No, just kidding!

And with that, L. James Quinn, 5,000 bits. L. James Quinn, if you could please roll a D20 and chat for us, that will determine what song they will be singing. And if you get a five, re-roll. And I would like to mention that I told them I'm gonna give you an opportunity to introduce each other. I want you to keep it very brief because we have a lot to get through. So please don't go wild and wacky in the very beginning of the session.

- You know we don't want to be caked with wisdom. - Anyway, I'm a crocodile pirate and I'm sort of rotting and as you can see... - We didn't get two fours, did we? Sorry. - No, we didn't. Silent Night. That one has to be sung with aggression. - Well, that's just kind of torment. - Violent night! - Ah!

- Okay. Oh, what's your name, Ms. Melv? - My name is Briggsie. I'm sorry, I mean Bitsy. That's gonna be confusing. - Wait, that's gonna be confusing. - That's gonna be really confusing. - That's gonna be so confusing, I feel. - I hope you guys aren't too confused. My name's Bitsy. - I am confused. I mean, they're not that different.

They've got the same like beginning and end, but the middle's older. We need to come up with a name now that we're all best friends. We're friends now? Yes, of course. Of course we're all friends. Oh, this is wonderful news. You know, last time I was doing something and I passed out and awoke in a strange place, I was in a cart and he said- You all feel the snow blanket around you and you hear-

the sounds of jingling bells in the back of your mind. And you have just met these new people, these new friends, and you feel a warmth in your heart. The sounds of the bells get louder, and with every jingle of them, that memory of that gnomish woman that gave you that drink begins to slowly fade. You can't remember, was she a gnome or an elf? Was her hair red or brown?

As it begins to fade a little bit, you feel yourself overcome with the impulse to sing. - You gotta do the first one. - A Jingle Bell Rock. - Oh, suddenly, this is a musical episode. I'm gonna play out a bicore.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell,

has begun Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Jingle bells chime and jingle bells climb Press it and press it and jingle bells square In the frosty air What a pride time It's the right time To rock the night away Jingle bell time It's the swell time

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I think I'm allergic to horse meat, but I just couldn't help myself. Why'd you eat horse meat? Well, because it said I got one horse slay. Oh, gosh. I misunderstood. I don't know what came over Torbeck. Torbeck usually doesn't sing because people cry. It's probably the trees. They're probably controlling our minds.

- Come on, stay away from the trees. - And as she says this, you notice that the trees around you illuminate with beautiful white lights that sparkle and shimmer. And the sound of jingling bells once again assails your ears. - I was blowing and blowing and blowing for fun. So we all felt compelled to sing at the same time and the same song too.

- It was pretty magical. - It really was. - The night around you begins to quiet. - Do you wanna use? - That was just Chuggles. - Skip forward. - Oh, excuse me. - But the night around you begins to silence and you feel compelled to sing.

We're coming on again. Oh, we took a jolly horse. Five hundred and ninety-nine. Holy night. All is calm. All is bright. Round yon virgin mother and child. Holy night.

I don't know how he's going to stay asleep during all that singing.

Wait, I mean, did you see, did you taste how tender that child was? Jesus left the jazz. Who's round John Virgin? Oh, round, oh, you haven't heard round John Virgin? No. He's the greatest jazz player in Galtica. That's canon.

The virgin was an irony. He did like the lady. This is the most fun Torbeck has ever had with anyone ever. Today couldn't possibly get any better. Oh, I'm sure the strange magical powers will compel us to sing against our will many a time. I hope so, too. That sounds so magical and awesome. The only thing better than this could be if we had, like, game

to play and other people have. - Yeah, no, I mean, after that song, I heard something. You guys all hear voices in your head, right? I heard that the gods are dead and we have killed them. - No, I've never heard a voice in my head.

- Really? - No. - Not even Eccleidious the Wise? - No. - Uh-oh. - And you do notice that the lights on the trees have seemed to make a path off into the forest. You notice that only certain trees have become illuminated. - Oh. - And they do seem to lead somewhere deeper into the woods.

Should we follow the lights? Or should we walk away from them because they're part of them sentient trees? Are you okay, Mr. Big V? You look a little scared, Mr. Big V. Oh, man, I've had dreams and visions and I've seen dark shit, but

I mean, looking around. I don't know if I've seen anything more fucked up than this. For what it's worth, Torbek has had a couple close calls and he's often heard people saying, Torbek, go towards the light, go towards the light. So we probably should. That's pretty good. Let's follow that up. But I mean, this is not just a strange winter. Torbek, roll a perception check, please. Oh, I have to actually check my character sheet. One second. Perception. That's a skill.

Oh, my threesome child. 13 total. You look around. You're having the greatest night of your life.

And a flash of red catches your eye as you look towards the closest tree to you. And you see that beneath it is this beautiful red velvet bag, sack, that seems to be, that is tied with a corded golden rope that shimmers in the light from this aluminum tree. And it is one of the prettiest things that you've ever seen. No, that's Torbec's! Torbec calls dibs! And he runs over to your ass. Ah! Ah!

Torbjorn is back! This is heavy! As you lift it up, there's nothing in it at all. It's an empty sack. Torbjorn was just joking with you guys. It's like when you were expecting a lot of money. Torbjorn was just joshing. I can help you with my hands if you want.

Oh, thanks, Briggs. That's very nice of you. You want to listen? No, it's Bitsy. There's nothing like, you know, you can call me the Cutlass. You can call me Crack. You can call me Captain Crack. Oh, Cratch. You can call me Captain Briggs. Oh, I'm going to call you Cratch. Now, how about it's Bitsy and Captain Briggs. Briggs. Briggs. Not Bitsy. Briggs. Mike, I need that. I need that thing. I'm just going to call you Captain. There's a lot of singing people on this list.

Did Bitsy say she wants to massage Torbek? Oh yes, I cannot send it to you. I can heal you with my hands, I got powerful massage powers. Oh yes, Torbek double lied, he did hurt his back, but it's really low on his back. Oh shit. I'll get it, just lie down in the snow. Okay!

I will lay face down in the snow, ignoring the cold. I'll face down in the snow and wait for you to massage directly. I will start to deep tissue and then do a bunch of these really, really fast. Like monk speed and then... Lower, please. Oh, lower, lower, lower. Okay, I got it. Touch Torbeck's butt cheeks, please. Your hair is very matted. I think I found gum. Oh! Oh, this isn't gum at all. Oh! Share! I thought

I thought this was like a crushed cigar or something. I don't know what else that could be. This is the best day ever! I don't know-- I need you to roll a twist of naughty, please. Oh no! Just a d20? A d20. All of us, or just-- I got a three. Just Torbjorn. Oh.

- You develop an appetite for human bones. - Did that, what, did I break something? Are you all right? - Torbek is hungry. - Oh, well we got more muffins, I think. - Torbek doesn't want a muffin. - What are you feeling? Maybe like some eggs? - Oh, I know what you want, mini muffins. - Torbek has never had a hunger like this before.

Oh, are you feeling like some horse? What racist chuckles. I am reborn. Torbek will look around and sniff the air. Torbek isn't sure, but what Torbek wants is here. Roll a perception check at advantage because you have the taste for human bones.

Wow. What race was Chuckles initially? 17. Perfect. Well, I was once human. You get the lingering scent of human on Chuckles, but you can tell he's not currently human. Then I drank the ichor, and I was reborn.

- And suddenly after drinking so much demon blood. - And what you notice is that you can smell the scent of fresh humans. If you were to follow the illuminated path of trees through this whimsical woods. - Torbek is gonna say we should definitely keep following the light for no, not for human bones, but just because the light is nice. - Well, let's go.

I hate ichor, especially when it's in licorice. Oh, what? Licorice. Licorice. Tormek thinks it's pronounced licorice. Yeah, that's what I think too. That's what the Illuminati want you to think.

Okay. Oh, are you being Illuminati right now, Bigsy? Derek, I would like you to roll on the naughty list. Oh, no. Oh, no, it's happening. The name's not Bigsy. I forget what it is. Bigsy? It's not Bigsy. It's Bigsy. Bigsy. I'm going to call you Cap and I'm going to put a 13. Okay, Captain Bigsy. I'm going to put a 13.

Can you please roll a d13? Can you go to a website and roll a d13 for me, please? Just a moment. Can I do it right here in chat? Yeah. You might be able to. I think it's just a d12. Fuck! You stupid fuck! I programmed it! I only did a standard

- Standard dice? - I definitely didn't know that. - Goddamn! - Jesus! - Roll a D. - Note to self, go fuck myself. - Roll a D13.net has it for me. - Thanks, roll a 13.net. - I got five. - You watch as Bitsy

gets up out of the snow having just sex-pested Torbek, and you watch as her body begins to change. And where once was this small mouse girl?

Her arms begin to get long, her nails begin to curl and grow, a beard begins to sprout from her face as she begins to take the form of Yule Lad Number Five. Oh, terrific. Pot Scraper. You steal leftovers from pots, and that's all you want to do. Oh!

Oh my god! What's happening? Oh, she turned into Torbjorn after touching Torbjorn! Oh, it's a beautiful transformation! Is this what happened to you? You touch somebody and it just goes on and on like a chain? Your voice would be different. Oh. You're a Yulad now. What would Potscraper sound like, Derek? Usually about this time my teeth start falling out or I get on the school bus and stuff up me pants.

Or I die in a plane crash. This is somehow worse. That's a plane. Like, plane of existence. You know, the whole plane crashes. It just crashes. Another one. The 404s. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I took the Windows blue screen. I'm not going to be able to keep that up. I wanted to do Dr. Girlfriend from Venture Brothers. LAUGHTER

When we enter this relationship, we-- Yeah, I'm going to do the pot scraper voice. What happened to Bitsy's voice? Oh god, I don't-- I'm no better.

I'm just gonna sound really gruff. What has happened to Pitsy? Look at my fingers. Has anyone got any pots? Oh, this is definitely some sort of Torbec disease. Is your fur made of ichor to cause us to go into dark transformation? It must be. Nobody touch the cigar. Yes.

What's, oh, what's the guy, isn't it the cigar disease that you have now? It's there in the snow. Oh, yeah, my doc always says it's COPD and I'm like, get out of here. Do you think we have time to make a small pot out of snow? What, how does that even make sense? It wouldn't really be a pot at that point, it'd just be snow. You're right, I didn't think of that.

I know Torment keeps bringing up the bright light and it has nothing to do with human bones, but we should definitely follow the bright light. Perhaps there will be pots at the end. Yes! There's always a pot at the end of a rainbow. Yes!

- I start walking, I'm on! We begin to lead the group. - Wow, this is so exciting! - And before you do, you reach down, you pick up the red sack and you affix it to your hip. And as you fully tie that golden corded rope around your waist and get it affixed, you immediately feel a heft as the sack fills with presents. - Oh!

- Hey guys, this mysterious sack is full of something all of a sudden. - Oh! - It's not Torbjörn's fault this time! - No, that's wonderful! It sounds like it's just like my hat.

My little cap! It's always filled with something mysterious! You don't always have the ways to fill a sack, right? How are there ways to fill a sack? How does-- Let's not go into it. No, I'm very-- I don't know any of what you're talking about. I said it's not Torbek's fault this time! Torbek! A sack is kind of like a pot. Do you mind if I... scrape around a little? Yes!

Fine. You feel like you have the ability to, against Torbek's wishes, choose, scrape around. Oh, wait, hold on. What do you want for Yuletide, little strange old man that smokes cigars and claws? A pot. Oh, do you? A pot for scraping. Let's do that.

Yeah, and so for the sake of the rules, you don't have to get Torbek's permission to take a present. Torbek was just RPing. And that's fine, and you should. I'm just saying. I dash 80 feet and immediately just grab the sack, and I start scraping around. I don't actually pull anything out. I just try to reach the bottom of the bag. Hey, careful. You are reaching around, and as you open it and you begin to scrape around, the sense of cinnamon-

and clothes and fur, fur tree, not animal fur, assails your nostrils. As you look inside, you see that there is a, it's almost its own like shimmering glittery snowfall that seems to appear in here, but it seems to be bottomless.

- And thank you Sloss with ADHD for the 5,000th! - Oh my God, Ty! - Thank you. - Thank you. - If you could please roll, use exclamation point 20, D20 to roll for us so we know what song. If you get a four or five, please re-roll.

It's gonna be a fig. How much you wanna bet? So I look inside and there's like swirling snowy energy happening. I hope this doesn't turn out like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I kinda hope it does, you know what I mean? Yeah, Torbjorn never gets anything nice and now this person took Torbjorn's fig. Smell this. Okay.

Wow, I thought it was gonna smell terrible. Usually that's how people prank Torbjorn. You can still smell. It's delightful. Oh! Mmm! Mmm!

- If this didn't feel good, I would've honked my nose. - Could somebody describe, you know, what it might smell like? - Smells like fur. - I don't have any biological systems working. I don't really smell at all. Really not even too good. I just don't smell. - Oh, imagine.

that you are a middle-aged person, a human, and you didn't have any gold in life. And you decided to go to the mart called the Tarjay, because that has become your identity and purpose after reproducing as your species and instinct dictate. It is necessary.

Yuletide, you walk into the candle section. You find an old-timey Patriot-style candle, and it says, Yuletide cheer. You uncork it, thinking about this is the only joy I'll get this season in my...

Pathetic, ruined life. You take a sniff, that's what it smells like. Juggles, I don't like you to roll on the naughty list. Oh my God! It's a D20. I don't want to live anymore. Sloth with ADHD got a nine. Oh, I know, I wrote it down. Okay, all right.

- Oh, naughty, is it a d20? - D20. Yeah, it's a custom list I made. - 11. - Ooh. - So this one affects all of you. - Oh. - Okay, I need each of you to roll a d4. - Oh. - Well here, just roll and we'll all get a unique one. - Three. - Three, two. - You roll, I'm not, okay. - Three.

- One. - So he's four. - I'm four. - Okay. - One, two, three, four. - You, you, Chuckles, you feel yourself, swirling magical snow begins to wrap around you and you feel your souls leave your body. And as they do, you find yourselves landing in the body of someone you've just met. - Not again! - Chuckles, you,

Your soul leaves your body and where once was Chuckles, you now find yourself in Brigsy's body. So you're Brigsy. Jesus. Why do I feel like that? Nothing changes for you. You are exactly who you were supposed to be.

You become Chucklebox. Oh, goodness gracious! And you become Torback. Oh, no, man! Oh, what's this? Oh! I got the worst one! Oh, this body is so much worse than the other body! Oh, no, it's got an eyes! Look at us, we're decapitated!

- Do we swap minds or bodies or bones? - Oh, I'm right, this is a body swapping episode. - So you are yourself, but you are in somebody else's body. - Oh, do I still need to talk really long in it?

Briggsie doesn't like me. What? What's happened? Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me. Why do you all like to get a weirdo? Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho. Yo ho. Yo ho.

I've only murdered the guy that likes pots! That would be very easy! Why would you want to do that? I just want to scrape pots! Isn't that kind of weird? Oh, no, I think he's going to smoke potions. I mean, I mean, scrape potions. Have you ever scraped a pot before? Oh, yeah!

- You all feel the need to sing. - Oh, what was that song again? - As the lyrics to White Yuletide make their way into your brains. And even though you're in a body that you're not familiar with, actually all of you are in a body you're not familiar with,

- All you can think is this time of year is always so special. - No, it's heavenly again. - Nothing makes it more special than communal singing. - We've walked 20 feet. - So just so I am in, I am Torbek in Chuckle's body. - So you are Torbek in Chuckle's body. - Oh God. - Are we doing-- - Sure. - I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. - White Yuletide. I just wanted to make sure I was Yuletide. - Just Yuletide. - Yeah, yeah.

Boys, we're going to sing again. I'm dreaming of a white, pure white life. Just like the ones I used to know.

Where the tree pods glimpsed and chilled.

Well, last time we did two versions.

I said I'm dreaming of a white dragon with every little tiny

May your days be merry and bright. And may all your good times be wise. Hi. Who are you? Hi, I'm the Sugar Plum Pixie.

Do you have any sugarplum taffy for us? I'm sorry, what? Any sugarplum taffy for us? I've never heard of that before. That would be convenient. Oh, fuck. Do you have any pot? Well, no, but I'm sure someone inside of the Witch Lake Carnival has a pot. The what?

- Yeah, right behind me. - And as she motions her hand, you see a curtain of snow move out of the way and a beautiful glistening carnival of winter wonderland. - I just assumed the entire carnival was sliding over the earth. Just like, going through the distance. - It has all the legs of the city of Gehenna.

- Only their candy cane likes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - But you see that there is a beautiful carnival behind you. It's blanketed in a silvery glittery snow that reflects the light and shifts into brilliant kaleidoscope of colors. You see that there are ants walking about the place that are fir tree ants and they're illuminated with baubles and trinkets

and there are children, many humans, running around enjoying the festivities. You see gingerbread men dart this way and that, and the overwhelming sense of a Yankee candle assails your nostrils. - It's Patriot's candle. - Oh wait, what kind? I don't smell anything here. There should be lovely candy. - I don't laugh like that.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

She's so pretty, too. We're really lucky that she always visits us. If she didn't, that would be so horrible for the carnival. Mr. Witch and Mr. Light would not be happy. Well, first, Thorbeck needs to switch bodies because something is very, very wrong. His penis is much smaller than normal. He just hasn't gotten aroused yet. When he does, it's just... Oh, my God!

How much is a chicken?

I don't really want to know about your penises, so if you could just let me know whether you want to buy a ticket or not, that would be great. I don't have a penis. Bringsy doesn't have any money. Yo, Torbeck doesn't have any money either. All I've got are these nails for scraping.

Pot! Pot! Oh, do you trade in nails? I can pull off all these nails, they come right off. Well, then I can do, but I try not to. You know, I actually think we might be closed. What's up with something that says "closed"? Oh no, no, we told Michael to do anything to get near the human children. I mean, go to the carnival.

- Um, well, normally I'd make a pact with you if you couldn't pay. It's only one gold piece though to get in. - We don't have any gold. We got drugged with a hot chocolate. It was very delicious. - You actually don't remember that. You can't, now that you think about it, you can't remember why you're here. - I don't know why I'm here. I do not have any gold. - I don't know. - Yo ho!

what to tell you, but if you don't have one gold piece, you can't come in and I would make a pact with you, but you've told me too much about your penises. Well, I didn't mention nothing about my penis. That was just talk.

And when he's done, he's out of character. Check your sack for gold. Oh. I'll root through the sack to see if there's anything that we can exchange for. You find a pouch of 10 gold pieces. Oh, here's the gold piece for you. And the gold piece for you. Oh, I like it here. And the gold piece for you. It's going to be more than that. You're unbelievably handsome. No, I'm not.

By doing this giant penis. I'm gonna go to bed.

This was a disaster. What the fuck was I thinking? Stop us back and roll again! If you have us to stop! Yeah, you control this. I don't control anything! The little fairy pulls out a flamethrower. What's next?

We are haunted by the API! The Faderol Bureau of Investigation. Holy shit. She accepts the gold happily and hands you tickets. They're these beautiful parchment tickets that are gilded in this color-changing, like, dual metallic red to green, and they're topped with a beautiful holly leaf.

- Oh, that's nice. - And they say on them, final night of the Witch Lake Carnival, Winter Wonderland, unlimited rides. - This is gonna be like an unlimited buffet.

I mean, I can't wait to ride the rides! Oh, Amazon! Oh wait, so I need to warn you about something. There's a little thing about being a space clown. You hunger for human flesh. Unless you take your medicine. What else is new? Nothing!

Well, I don't like that Bigsby hasn't changed at all besides transforming into a horrible gnome freak. I mean, that seems like a pretty terrible kiss. It's suspicious that she's the odd man out. Do we just give you the ticket then and then we can go in?

No, I gave you... You have to have the ticket on you so that nothing bad happens. Don't you have to turn in the ticket to get entrance? No, you have to show the ticket and all the rides to show that you are authorized to be here. And they'll take the ticket. No, you keep it on you. You want to make sure you don't let that ticket go because, oh, I gotta tell you, children have been going missing.

And Light Miser and Witch Miser are not happy about it. Oh no. They've been going missing? Yeah, and they're really unsure if it could be... Missing? It could be Gorilla of the Woods and her Yule Cat. There's a gorilla on the loose? No, gorilla. I turned into Gina. Oh, I'm not saying...

I'm not saying gorilla, I'm saying gorilla. How marinated were these children? Oh, they were quite spicy. No, they weren't marinated at all. They were quite tender and mild. Until gorilla got them and then it's possible that she did something with them.

- The story goes that she eats children and she uses her 13 Yule Lads to steal them when they're being naughty. - No, that's not fair at all. - That's terrible to hear about. - You probably shouldn't let us in if children are going missing. We're just gonna make it worse. - No, it's fine. - No, it's fine. - No, the children are only fine. - No, it's fine.

I can't do Fringsley. It's really hard. I can't do Fringsley. I only steal one child at a time. I mean, oh, I hope the kids are all right. Oh, no, she's extra dangerous because she's using gorilla tactics. Okay, if you could go ahead, Honorable, that would be amazing. Thank you. Thanks.

- I don't know why I tried to talk to you guys. - We walk into the carnival. - You step into the carnival, Bitsy, first. And immediately you are overcome by the amazing magic of the Witchlight Carnival. Any remnants of the memories that you had about how you got here are completely gone. All you can remember is that moment that you met your friends in the woods and from that moment forward.

Everything before that is hazy. And as you take one step and then two, you feel your body begin to change back into the form of Bitsy, but not quite the way you had remembered it. Where you had been a mousekin, an animal folk, you are now a doll. You are babbling Bitsy. And you can pull on your tail to make yourself babble. Wow! Wow!

- You all watch as you see this transformation take place. - Guys! Look at what happened when I went into the carnival. - Oh! - Ooh! - I confused. - Oh, you too?

- He speaks to me. - Then we all turn back. - He tells me secrets. - Did you walk into the carnival? - Happy feasting! - Happy feasting! - As each of you walk into the carnival, the same magic overcomes you and you find yourselves transforming, but not into, you transform into yourself, but not the way you had remembered yourself. - Oh. - Chuckles, where there had been a space clown, there is now a Chuckles in a box.

Briggsie, you are now a Briggsie action figure with removable chunk. TM.

And Torbek, you are Tickle Me Torbek. Oh, Torbek has an unusually extra large desire to be tickled. And you do feel your need for human bones subside from you. And all other... Well, additionally... I mean, hooray! Oh, you just want to be tickled? Oh, well, I mean... Oh, coochie, coochie, coo! Oh!

My hand will detach. My glove will attach and start tickling you. Oh, you do not. Wait, wait, no. Make sure you get closer to Tormek's inner thigh. That's the good spot. Oh, yeah, sure. Oh.

Captain, do you want to get out of there? I'll peel you free if you want. So I'm literally still in the clamshell like blister pack. And I just fall forward. Oh my god.

get me out of this thing no no don't open it it's gonna lose all of the value if you're rid of it no please it gives a my wrists are attached with those things that are impossible to cut off i don't know scissors in a day briggs torbeck's pretty sure you're worth a lot in that state

Hold on, oh, it says Captain, oh, what is Edge of Midnight? Wow. I don't know. Does he scratch? That sounds bad. Yeah, they're the really creepy moon on the packaging, yeah. It looks like I've got some kind of articulation. I've got joints at least. Yeah, no, you do have some sort of articulation. It says Briggsie, but there's one G, making it even more valuable. What?

- Follow me, Sprig, no one's ever gonna open me! - Oh, I wonder if he's one of those characters that like, with a background character and they just gave him a name so they could tell toys of it. Like Return of the Jedi, I mean, I mean, uh, Like Edge of Midnight. - Yeah. - So are you gonna rip the cardboard off and get me out? - I don't have any scissors. - Oh.

- Nine to do all. - Your next claws have been replaced with fuzzy mittens. - All right, let's try this again. And I'm gonna fall forward and-- - You fall forward and you do feel-- - Oh no, I'm gonna do that thing! - You do feel the cardboard backing come away from the plastic bubble sheet. - Okay, I gotta do this. Oh, I hate this so much.

these little ties how am i which way do they go no the other way the other way oh hold on oh

There we go hold on your feet you got some tall boots there fella you smell a lot better think

Oh, your whole leg is gone! That's amazing, that was so good, Mr. Cloud, good thinking! I'll pick up my collectible cutlass and review gun. Does anyone care about the card of authenticity? Or should I just leave it on the ground?

- Surely you must have a place for it. - I mean, we could meet a fellow collector. Captain Briggsie Crotch is a lizard folk. - It's actually misprinted on the certificate. It's Captain Briggsie Crotch. - Captain Briggsie Crotch.

Oh, this was... Oh, no, this is actually a bootleg. Was having a good time on the seas, but then went to desert and turned to zombie men. Wow. This isn't even common.

Captain Crotch all alone! He's very fun! We're like four kids! Oh, he's part of a team called the Transform Avengers! Whoa! Do not for baby! Oh yeah! Do not for baby! I don't need to team up with someone named Shrek! Yeah, he's useless.

I wonder if any of my powers still work. See, this thing still shoots. I want to try to shoot an Eldritch Blast in the sky from my plastic voodoo gun. Yeah, you can. Oh wow, that's kinda cool. Nothing actually appears in the sky. You just hear a click click from the gun and a little rod shoots out that has a little flag that says voodoo gun. Amazing. Oh!

- Oh, now he has to kind of throw it off. - I would like to read a comment really quickly because for some, it just stands out to me. Chloe says, "All of LOA has led to this point. "All of Mikey's world building, "all the complex character development, "all of the hours of streaming, "all the sweat equity and behind the scenes work, "all of it has led to this moment, this dream. "Avantress in its truest form." Guys, what the fuck? - Yeah.

Dixie pulls her tail again. I always thought that the creator of the world's name was Mikey. Oh, that's preposterous. No, it's the truth. What, are you thinking that the world was invented in 2015? No, it was invented last Thursday. Oh, that's very recent. Well, I guess I'll be a born-again chuckletonian.

- You wanna join our weird cult? - Standing directly in front of you is where, if you were looking at the Witchlight Carnival in its normal form, you would see the Calliope. You actually see the Holly King Carolers. And as they stand there, they are all on a lazy Susan and they are these beautiful wooden dolls that are holding

choir books as they all sing their heads and bodies go up and down in unison with the song. And they spin around on this Lady Susan and sing holiday carols. And this place is filled with joy. You can hear the laughter of the crowd all around you as the snow drifts down.

pillowy, beautiful, silvery, glittery snowflakes that are just large enough for you to see the intricacies in them. And as you look a little closer, you see that they're not just snowflakes, that intermingled with these are tiny little dancing fey creatures that dance on the wind and giggle as they dance through the sky and float along with the snowflakes. And it is quite beautiful. - Are we toys?

I think so. Man, it's the odd deal. Torbek never had any toys. This is what toys look like. You never had a toy? All childs need to have toys. Torbek mostly just played around with rocks and empty rusty cans. Well, I mean, anything is a toy with the right imagination. Well, one sounds nice. The other gives you tetanus. Oh, that's true. Speaking of tetanus, my entire lower half is a spring. Oh.

Oh, thank goodness that that gnome isn't here because now I can say that I no longer have a penis. It was a pixie, yeah. Oh, the pixie, yeah. Oh, neither do I. Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is Schumacher.

- And the little slap on my box. - Where did he go? - You notice that as you're looking at his box, you see etched into the bottom of it, is no fun, is no Blinsky. - Oh. - Chuckles, here comes Torbjorn. - Torbjorn, you know you wanna crank me and you'll see like the crank like kinda tilt.

I do not want to crank me, Torbeck. Here I come, Chuckles. Oh, maybe that's where it went. I couldn't reach for the crank, and Torbeck stops. Oh, you tease. Chuckles, you'll have to return the favor. Well, you're starting to get weird. We have a deal.

*laughing*

- Oh! - Oh! - Bob goes the Weevil! - Bob! - - Chuckles, that sounds like it was as good for you as it was for me! - Chuckles came so fast, you only had to turn it around a few times! - Do you need a cigarette? - Oh! - I would like the both of you to roll out another one. - -

- Okay. - Five? - I'm gonna throw up. - Yeah, me too. - I got a five and I may have already gotten a five. - 17. - No, you haven't. - Okay. - You can only speak in song. - Me? - Yes. - Oh no. - And 17? - Yeah. - You turn into a feral tabaxi and you feel the need to mark your territory. - Oh no! - Dormech already smells like cat pee! - No!

This happens, you see. This happens. And as Mikey thinks about how to roleplay this. I'll pull my tail. Bitsy pulls her tail. Eating a little Quicksilver every day makes you immune to charm spells. Should we go ride some rides?

Am I still a Jack in the Box or am I now just a Tabaxi? You are now just a feral Tabaxi with the need to mark your territory. Oh wow! Juggles, what happened? And you have a different voice, you're a different entity altogether. Well, I need to mark my territory already!

Chuckles, are you still in there? What happened? What's your name? Well, you can't move. I'm going to piss on you. Hold still already. I run. No, I get pissed on. What the fuck? Torbac is really confused. I don't know what's happening.

No! Toro! If he's gonna piss, maybe we should just let him do his business. Okay. I'm running around you guys. Oh, wait a minute already. I'm a feral cat. I can just shotgun him. Is this your snagglepuss impression?

Because you sound like Snackfoot. Maybe we should make an exit stage ride. Oh, exit stage ride! Truly, you are my territory. You're good.

Rich! Rich is gonna die. Well, let's enjoy some Yuletide cheer already. This whole carnival's my territory and there are many human children around. Let's go on a ride. I wanna go on a ride. Torbeck would not have done that if he knew Chuckles was gonna turn into that. I know, it's part of the magic. I just got a shotgun piss everywhere.

Oh no, I sneeze! I mean, I sneeze! They're not that different. I look around at the surroundings, like I see that there are the carolers that are rotating slowly in the center of, I'm assuming, a square, and I imagine that there are paths going off in different directions. What kind of ride might I spy?

As you make your way towards the carolers and you look around, you see that this layout, and for the sake of brevity, this layout is exactly as it is at the Witchlight Carnival. And there are some things, they've all been rethemed for the holidays.

So where the carousels would be is now an ice rink. Where the dragonflight rides are now reindeer rides. Where the apple orchard is, is now an evergreen woods. Where the-- I bet it's a scarecrow. Where Silversong Lake and the swan rides were is now just Swan Lake. And there seems to be a ballet being performed there at the moment.

You notice that where the Hall of Mirrors is, is now a place called the Hall of Holly. There are Yemling racing, where you would normally find the snail racing. Where the Mystery Mines would have been is now the Strange Gingerbread House. And where you would have seen the Pixie Kingdom is now Rat Kingdom. And you see that where the Big Top should have been or would have been is now a beautiful ice sculpture castle.

When I'm through with it, they're gonna be calling it Kitty Kingdom! And you hope to accomplish it while pissing on the floor? Yeah! I'm gonna piss everywhere already! Upper Plains to humanoid! Can we take a break? Yes!

Why don't we go home? What I will say is you haven't opened a single present. That is not my fault. That is not my fault. Oh, maybe we should open some fucking presents. That is literally not my fault. Before the break. You're watching Legends of Avantris, and this is 'Twas the Night Before Witchlight.

Next time, we'll call it as a date. Oh, at least we haven't had a scene. You can do it next time. All righty. Remember, we have to do the ad bumper now. Oh. What was the interest? You're watching Legends of Avantris, and this is Twas the Night Before Witch Life. Oh. You're watching Legends of Avantris, and you're watching Twas the Night Before Witch Life. What is it? What's my line? What's right? Twas the Night Before Witch Life.

I'm drawing the pubes.

You can also go to the Crooked Museums

So yes, you look around the carnival here and you notice all of those different areas.

You guys want to go to the ice rink? Oh, fuck, I'm in sync. Oh, why would we do that? Why don't we look in the bag to see if there's anything else? Oh, it's going to be yellow snow. Yeah, look inside your sack. Oh, let's pull in the sack. I'd kind of like to cure him, too. He's creeping me out a little bit. I will open it up and take a look inside. It's filled with presents.

- Why don't you take one and why doesn't he take one and see if he can-- - Yeah, I'll take one right away. - Here's a gift for you. - And the moment you intend, the moment you start to unwrap the present, you feel the effects of the naughty list fade from you. - Torbek's never opened a present before, so he's like,

- Like gumming it open and like trying to get the wrap. He has fuzzy mittens, he doesn't have claws anymore. - Wow, your mouth is so juicy.

- What did you say? - You need a slobbering all over your present. You gotta use your hands to get the paper all torn apart. - Boy, no! Oh, I'm back. - Torbek isn't singing anymore. Well, Torbek likes singing, but Torbek doesn't want to be the only one singing. - No, only when we're compelled against our will by the magics of the weed. - And I need you both to roll a d20, please. - A d20? - Yes. - A 17 again.

Oh, I'm back. Torbek got a four. I think he got that one. Roll on magic item table C, Torbek. What does that involve? I will tell you in a second. D100. Yeah, it'll be a D100. Get a new 100. It'll be a good one.

- Five? Torbjorn rolled a 500! - No, if only you were a fucking cleric right now. - You get a potion of superior healing. - Oh. - You open it up and there is a vial of shimmering red liquid. - Thank you.

- You, however, you open up your present and there is a gilded spell scroll. Pick any level seventh spell scroll. You can cast that once a day. - Whoa, holy fuck. - I am become not the jack in the box, not a queen in the box or even a king. I truly am the eighth in the box.

- A little bit of card humor for you. - Just like there's some really fucked up things on the naughty list, there are some really bogus things on the nice list. - Do you have five impressions or should we save them? - You got a lot of impressions. - Do you think they're gonna change the-- - No, don't save them. - Stop being dolls and turn it back into our normal selves?

Well, I think that us being this way is more for the whole carnival. Look, everybody's in toys. Is everyone in a toy now? No. Oh, never mind. It's just us. Yeah, but you are stuck as toys. I would say you would know that. Oh, I know that. Torbeck has never experienced the absolute pleasure and joy of opening up a gift before. So Torbeck thinks that everybody else should keep his dirty mitts off his presents. I mean, it looks like you got quite a few in there. Give me one.

- And as you say that, a present magically appears in your hand. - Oh! - Oh! - My head just stuck in. - So I hold it. - So I hold it. So I'm, do you want to press the button on the back of me head?

I press the buttons and I press it again. I'm actually Yoshi punching you, like Mario punching Yoshi. So it's controlling my jaw to snap and I'm going to rip the wrapping off. Wow, real chomping action. Real chomping action. You did it on the clam show. D100. No, D20, D20, D20. You almost dropped that in the coffee. 16. A little Winter Wonderland die. Roll a D6. Ooh. Ooh.

- Um, actually this sucks. I need to do it. - And because I saw it in chat. - Let's go to Candy Mountain. I wanna go to Candy Mountain. - I wanna go to Candied Island. - Oh, do you think Candy Mountain is on Candied Island? Oh my goodness. - I'm in Legend. - Do you think Candied Island has Candy Land with Candy Mountain? - You become proficient in con.

Oh, that's pretty good. I've heard tale of a woods woman who will grant you your most incredible wishes. Her name is Grandma Nut. Where is she? She's in Candyland at the foot of Candy Mountain on Candied Island. Why aren't we going right now?

Well, I'm a jack in the box. I've been turned into a boss from Donkey Kong Country 64. I mean, Donkey Kong Country 4. Torbeck has many, many horrible deep dark desires that needs to be met. Oh no, Grandma Nut will fulfill all of those. We have to go! Live if the legends are true.

If you survive the molasses swamp. I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as a candied island. Or the candy, oh, I guess around here. Can you prove that there is no candied island, Mr. Crotch? I'm going to the ice rink. It's Mr. Crotch, first of all. And second of all, I'll fit the question. I love that answer.

- Ruby says, "Buddies don't use grandma and nut in the same sentence." - Don't ask me, ask Milton Bradley. Milton and Bradley were some real perverts. - Oh no, no, they're just Italian. - Oh no, I mean, look at their costumes. She's got nut on her head.

Well, isn't that a peanut? And peanuts aren't actually nuts? Oh, what are they going to call it? Grandma Lagoon? I mean, why not? That's what she is. Oh, Grandma Peanut. I don't think I can go. I'm allergic to peanuts. Torbeck's got a lagoon. Oh, Grandma Nut will make you lagoon. That was a good deep cut. She's actually allergic to peanuts. Oh, that'd be right. For those of you who like The Adventist Deep Law,

Oh, there he is, canonically alert. Well, anyway, shall we hop along with our disgusting cube flash? Well, let's go. Yeah, well, Torbek can definitely verify that the crank is made of some sort of weird clown flag.

Oh, it's a little soft. It's got a soft grip. It's like one of those jelly brush hands. That's just called a refractory period. A what? Never mind. Well, I want to go to the ice rink. I want to see those kids who can't stand up without buckets and they push around the buckets on the ice and then you call them tubby and it's really fun. What? B.

Bixby, what the fuck are you talking about? It's Bitsy. Oh, do you think these commoner have 20 hit points or fewer? I need you all to roll on the naughty list. All of us? Yeah. Almost definitely. Do you think so? Do you think I'm not using every single one of these? I got three. Oh, fuck, I got a natural one. 18. You turn inside out. You develop an appetite for human bones.

Oh, I know that look! It isn't the space clown this time! Torbjörn's back!

Well, what does that even mean? She didn't specify what type of bones. Human bones, I'd say. I mean, I haven't had a bit, I haven't had a glass of human flesh in a while, but it is the holidays. 18. Little runs of human flesh and some nutmeg, you'll be all set. You become a proud nudist. Um...

Well, it was kind of attached. I was cast in plastic and painted. Oh, so you just really depuffed. You look down and you notice that you're not wearing any clothes. Oh, I'm not wearing any clothes. Well, you look like a Ken doll down there. You do, though. There's nothing down there.

- Oh. - A platterish! A nice and smooth! - Oh no, there's two removable chunks now. - Oh, hold on. - Pick it back up. - I pick it up. - Derek, what did you pick? - An eight. - I have. - You become chunky and jolly and old, but everyone you see is on the naughty list.

I know I would do that. Anyway. Yours sucked, Mike. You got one. You were incredibly unlucky. All roles are at disadvantage, and so are any allies within 20 feet of you.

Let's all stay together. I suddenly feel very unlucky. What was his? You're incredibly unlucky. All rolls are at disadvantage, and so are any allies within 20 feet of you. Oh, hold on. I'm just examining myself in the mirror. Oh, no! Oh, wait, did I do that? Who fucked a cat? Oh!

Oh no! And I look down and I step over. Is that a crack? Ma Chuckles! Ma Chuckles, are you okay? You call out on your Rocky Talkie to Ma Chuckles and you hear back,

Chuckles, my back is broken! I fell down the stairs! Oh no! I fell down the stairs! Oh, you need to call the... My lifeline isn't working, son! You call Dr. Bozo immediately! He's not picking up the phone! My lifeline's out of battery! Oh no, I guess last time you went to the hospital, he gave you your medicine! Beep!

Beep! Oh, I'm sorry, son. I keep forgetting to change the batteries in my smoke detector. Oh, thank goodness. Oh, no, you've got to do that, Ma Chuckles. My tech is broken. Damn it, it might be the carbon monoxide. It might be the carbon monoxide. Don't take a nap, Ma Chuckles. I'm having a hard time breathing, son. I'm really tired. No, and tell Dr. Bozo not to bring his syringes filled with confetti. No! No!

Chuckles, Tormek doesn't want to alarm you, but the number one cause of death over 40 is accidents. Oh, God.

You failed to step, to avoid a crack? That's very naughty. - Bitsy, are you feeling all right? - You look at Bitsy and where Bitsy had been, there's now a gnome. A male gnome with a big white beard dressed all in red, very chonky, very jolly, but looking perturbed at everyone that he sees.

I'm proud to be like this! All out air means that, you know, I'm confident in meself! You are exposing yourself to children, that's very noth- Well, it's- it's- it's natural! And it's definitely not just an exhibitionist kink, I swear! Guys, let's go to the display service track. Perhaps we should go not to the ice rink where there'll certainly be a number of children.

Do you think that the children have 20 or fewer hit points? Oh, certainly. Why would you ask that? You're going on the naughty list a second time. Do you think the children also have balls?

I don't know of a child who has... What are you talking about, children bones? You're going on the list. If I take those glasses off, will you die? I don't think so. Why would you ask that? You're going on the naughty list. Wait. That's a very violent thing to ask.

- Dungeon Mistress? - Yeah? - If there is a spell that I get from my scroll that I need to take time to do, do I am able to cast it in, like I don't have to take the long time to do? - What is the spell? - It would take like 24 hours to cast. - What is the spell? - I know what it is. I just started building a snowman.

Is Sidney lachrym? Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Oh no. Oh, of course there's a limitless amount of snow around us. How serendipitous. I know, do you want to build a snowman? He's probably gonna be a clown.

I'm gonna do it, even if you guys don't want to build a snowman. Oh, Dormag will help. Oh yeah, no, he'll be getting some coal pieces for buttons. Does anyone have any carrots? Why would he have a carrot? Doesn't he have a carrot? Oh, is it a corn? No, I know, I need a pomegranate, obviously. Have you ever made a snow clown before, idiot?

Oh, because he's a clown. I suppose it depends on where you put the carrot. I'm going on the naughty list. Anyone have a... Pomegranates! Pomegranates!

- Gather round, I need pomegranates! - It's about this time that you see a small female gnome with curly red hair as she runs up to you. She is dressed in a cute green holiday dress. She has a sprig of holly in her bright red hair. Her green eyes are piercing and joyous, but she looks tired as she catches her breath and she looks up at all of you.

Are you available to help? Help with what? Sure. There's a rogue reindeer at the reindeer rides. Children have been hurt. Oh, we'll put him down. Don't you worry. He's out very naughty. We'll put him down right away. Not the children. The light miser has said the oracle.

mode of the carnival has plummeted and it's possible that Grilla will make her way here to steal more children. Oh, there's a phobia of gorillas. And then the winter queen might not come. Are any of the children not savable?

I would hope no. I would hope no. No, please. Oh, so we're not too late. I have a question. What's the reward for saving the children? Nothing, I'm simply asking for help. Well, come along. It's a nice thing to do. I wonder if parents could throw in a few gold pieces. Oh, yeah, we'll do it for a pomegranate.

Do you got a pomegranate? No, I don't. I'm simply asking you to help. Fine, I guess I can't cast my powerful magic. What is wrong with you? You're all so rude. How could you all roll on the naughty list? We're going to cut to five minutes from now and Torbeck finds an alive child who's only mildly...

only mildly injured, and he's gonna be like, "Oh, time to die." - Tormek got a natural one. - You're incredibly unlucky, and all rolls are at disadvantage, and so are any others within 20 feet of you. - I was supposed to roll that one probably at disadvantage, but it didn't matter. - Oh, it's not a check. - Oh, wait. - Oh, go now, brother. - No, that is all a roll, so I would say, yeah, well, it's a natural one. - It doesn't matter. - I got an eight again, so I should reroll?

- Yes, yes. - Unless I double old man. - Yes, you should. - Seven. - I got a two. - 19. - 19. Who is the look around? Pick one of them. - What's the context? - Just pick one of them. - Roll a die. - No, just pick them. - Torbjörn. - You fall madly in love with Torbjörn. - Torbjörn's lucky. - What did you get, two? - Oh, I got a two. - Everyone around you looks like candy and you have a sweet tooth.

Oh! Maw chuckles me, she rests in pain. You are overcome with psychedelic hallucinations. Always said that my teeth would rot if I kept eating so much candy.

If you want to point us in the direction of all the delectable humans or funnel cake, that would be fine. As I said, they're over where the reindeer rides are. Well, point the direction and make your eyes regular size. I'm sorry, but... Your eyes are enormous. Strengthen them immediately. Oh, oh.

Wait! Look at the size of them! They're gonna bust out of your head! How are you? You look as if you're an enchanting creature. It's as if the angels themselves planted you and you grew from a sour patch. That's really sweet of you to say, but the children... Can I just get a little bit of a nibble? I know! Where are the delectable children? Oh, where are the children? How many children?

I'm going to go into speed roll.

roll mode and i literally roll like a fucking cube we go in whatever direction chuckles is going in assuming he knows where the children are

- And that you make your way to where the reindeer rides would be. And it is madness. There are people screaming and running this way and that. It doesn't look like anyone is hurt,

But you see off to one side that there are about five reindeer that are attached to sleigh that are clearly scared and up against a line of fir trees. As one reindeer, far larger than the others, a bright red nose, is...

digging his hooves into the ground and snorting. He's clearly gone feral. You are looking at this thing as it moves towards children and chomps its jaws at them. It looks like at any moment, it could attack. - Very naughty reindeer. Thank you, rolling sphere. - As you look and you see that you are up against

Rudolph the Red. Whoa! He's a communist! Get him! Oh! Oh, no! Prepare to die, beef! Wait up! Can I ask you something? Oh, look at that delicious yule log! What did you want, Captain? What are you doing after this, you know? Are you busy? I don't know.

I was going to probably head back to the dumpster. Well, there's this cool kind of indie rock band playing. It's kind of an unknown garage show. It's kind of cool. All the cool cats are coming. You know, if you want to come. Torbeck would love

I am without a scrape. If we're lucky, maybe Torbeck can bring some human bones along to the show for a snack. We could save this against the rules. Okay, lovebirds, can't we? We're trying to get us commie. Let's go! We're being stopped by reindeer. Oh, please, stop talking. I feel my bones being crushed. Can I get your walkie-talkie runes? Yeah, no one's ever

asked me for that before. Very funny. Yeah, I'll just put it in there. I'll let you do it, yeah. Yeah, I'll make sure you message to make sure it goes to the right one. Oh, this is getting too real. I'll just say, hey, it's Prissy with the little crocodile. Oh, yeah, I got it. Totally got it. During the next break, we have to hear your voicemail. LAUGHTER

I race towards the naughty, naughty reindeer trying to prevent... Yeah, yeah. Do I have an opportunity to do something? Yeah.

He is bearing down and you, what do you want to do? Stop, my naughty reindeer, stop! Or I will punch you in the jaw so I will stop molesting these children. That's all you're going to do? Yeah. He's going to make an attack. No! On the children? No, on the priest. No, no, go for the kids, genderize them. And I need you all to roll initiative. At disadvantage. At disadvantage.

- Oh wow, big fucking money. - 18 and 20. - That's what you got too. - I got an 18 and 20, nice. - It's almost like it's 2018 again. - It is 2018 again. - Tenderize their bones, let's all sit back for three rounds. - What's your initiative?

Plus five, because I'm a rogue. Oh shit, so we're gonna have to have a roll off, 'cause mine is also plus five. All right. Unless you wanna go first. Nah, I'll let you go first. Unless you wanna go first. I'll go first if you want me to go first. Let's have a roll off. I don't think I have, I got rolled very low. Roll disadvantage. I got a four. I got a five. You're the roll disadvantage. So just-- I got two. Figure out what minis you wanna use, and then just put something down for...

- Oh, do you have a, can you grab me a cube? - He is a large beast. - Can you give me a cube bit thingy? - A cube? - One of the cubes, the wooden cube. - One of the wooden cubes. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Your wooden cubes. Yeah, we need something for Rudolph. Rudolph the Red. - Oh, the Wendigo is perfect. - Yikes. - What do you need me, oh, a battle camp? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, someone already said the first witch-like combat in Mace isn't here. It's true. - Yep. - It is true.

- Two's true, two's true. - Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. - So give me break Z. - Oh, if it hasn't taken a turn in the current combat. Sneak attack though, I only trigger sneak attack. Like I don't have the dual sneak attack now. I have to have, hmm. - You could be unseen. So you could bonus action hide and then do it. - If I have advantage on the attack. - Those kids are going to sleep in heavenly peace, that's for sure. - That's incredible. - Holy shit, that's good.

- The amount of extra damage increased. - I've decided that Bitsy looks like this because-- - Oh, and he's literally a rat guy, it's perfect. - And then that's Dorbeck, and then you're gonna move. - Yeah, so-- - We need Chuckles, we need Chuckles. - We got Chuckles, he's a cube. - No, no, no, oh. - Oh my god, Chuckles is a cube! - That's amazing. - That's brilliant, that's very smart. - I get it, I get it. - Where's the Wendigo? - Oh, our-- - Where did the Wendigo go? - Are we actually doing that? - Yeah, we're using that. - I'm into it.

- I'm very careful with this horn. - I'm not even gonna touch him. - If you're fine with that. - So am I Gideon for the sake of this? - Oh fuck, yeah. So yeah, you'll be Gideon and everyone will be themselves. - So I think it's Derek than me. I don't know if anybody got higher than us. - Okay, 20 to 25.

- We both got 25, but Derek beat me on the rolls. - Okay, so it will be Frost and then Gideon, perfect. And then it is going to be Meanlock. And then Crummy, what did you get? - 14. - And so that'll be Crummy and then Gricko. - It's Briggsie. - Yes, but I'm using your initiative cards, so shut up.

but Rudolph the red, it does get a surprise round. And you watch as, uh, you watch as Bitsy in this, uh, this jolly gnome form that she has taken, uh, walks up to Rudolph the red and attempts to dissuade him from his, uh, rampage. His, uh,

his rampage of carnage, he does not seem to be swayed as he charges forward 20 feet towards you to hit you with a ram attack. I need you to make a strength saving throw. - Does this count as him getting a turn? - Yeah. - Yeah, he's got a surprise round. - You've got a surprise. - Bullshit!

- I'm gonna assume I failed. - You know, those other reindeer should-- - 13. - You should have included him in your reindeer game! - I failed. - Now we all suffer! - And you're going to do, you're going to take 10 points of floor damage-- - Ow, my old man body! - As you are knocked prone. - Oh no, my dear-- - He is then going to, he is then going to stomp on you with his hooves. - Geez.

- Actually, he's angry. He is going to use his radiant beam from his nose and you watch as his nose glows bright. - Don't roll that beam footage! - A beam of fire shoots out from his nose in a 60 foot line, five feet. Each person in that line must make a dexterity saving throw, please.

- Oh no. - And you watch as a handful of people are incinerated. - Oh, the children survive. They're all dead. Someone's making cookies. - Someone's incinerating bones. - All of you need to make a dexterity save. - Oh, candy dust.

- God, disadvantage. Is there any chance that I'm at advantage? - I fail. I fail terribly. - 13 again. - Okay. - Can we use the bonus action to fondle the fact? - No. - Oh yes, so it is a free action, but you can only do one per turn to use a present. - I got a 12. - Okay. - I have uncanny dodge, which I might have to use. - I got a 12. - Okay, what did you get, Chuckles? - I got a seven. - Okay, so the three of you fail.

- And you are going to take... - Oh no! - Oh, let's take this. Jesus. - What the hell is this? - 28 points of radiant damage. - I'm uncanny dodging. - And half as much on a successful save. - No! - As the radiant beam from Rudolph the Red's nose illuminates and you are all...

You are all burned by his heavenly light. Stop my naughty list! No! Everyone's naughty anyway! Turtleneck's burning hair smells terrible! No, the divine light! Oh, never mind, that was just, I didn't take my pills this morning.

- Oh god. - And we still haven't gotten it. - Our attacks are at disadvantage. - It is now Frost's turn, so it is now Bitsy's turn. - Okay. - I'll stand. - And you have to use your whole turn to do that? - No, it's a bonus reaction. We can do it once per turn. So let's just start ripping guests. - The most naughty thing I've ever seen! - 'Cause Chad has given us so many. - I'm not gonna win any clones then.

- It's such a trade-off. - I attack once with my old man body, but it's actually mechanically, it's got a flurry of blood. - First, you're going to make a constitution saving throw. Rudolph's nose, Rudolph the Red, his nose is blinding. And if you are within 30 feet of it at the start of your turn, you need to make a DC, a constitution saving throw. - Okay.

Don't forget your disadvantage for everything. Another 20 and an 18. Great. So you will succeed. You are not blinded. Nice. Terrific. I'm not blinded. Get that nose out of my way! And now I'll attack twice. The first one at disadvantage is a two. I'm sure that that doesn't hit. And the next one at disadvantage is a 14. That hits.

Oh, it's a donkey. Let's go with... I'll roll it first. Let's go with 10 points of bludgeoning damage, and I'm going to put a ki point into it to have him, Rudolph, make a... What is it? What is it? I don't know how to play a monk anymore because it's been a while. Stunning strike. Yeah, yeah. Constitution saving throw. Constitution saving throw, DC 14.

- Ah, he fails. - He is now stunned until the end of my next turn. - What does stun do? Advantage? - I wish I knew. - That might help. - Advantage on attacks and I think all attacks are crits. - No, that's paralyzed, I believe. Paralysis is way more-- - I'll look it up and let you know. - Is that your turn? - And I'm not gonna run away 'cause I'm worried about the nightmare reaction it certainly has. So very naughty!

- And it's like, freezes up. - You watch as Rudolph the Red is hit in the chest by this tiny gnome Santa. And you see as he's digging his claws into the ground and all of a sudden he freezes.

As he is stunned in place, his eyes are filled with anger and hate. His nose is still blinding with that light, but he is held in place. - Can't move, can only speak falteringly, automatically fails Strength and Dexterity saving throws and attack rolls against the creature I have advantage. So it'll be flat if we're within 20 feet of it. - But it will still be at disadvantage because both of you have natural lives. - First thing I'm gonna do is I'll make sure to rip a gift.

- Okay. - Does it cure me? - Well, so it is your turn. - Yes. - You're ripping a gift. - Yeah, I'm sorry my turn by ripping a gift. - Okay, so then they will be, it will be just a base roll because you no longer have yours. - But you would still sneak attack because he's in five. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I need you to roll a d20 please. - And he has found a gift. - 14. - You get a magic item off of table I. So roll a d100. - Yes! ♪ Table I ♪

- Two and 52. - 52. You get a crystal ball. - Okay, I will add that later. - This isn't like Harry Potter music, is it? - I'm gonna use-- - This is League of Legends, Snowdown. - I'm gonna use my turn to rush the creature while it's stunned. And what I'm gonna do is as I'm approaching, I'm gonna dig through like my fuzzy pockets and I'm gonna say,

- Oh, thank goodness this is still here. And I'm gonna pull out this horribly elongated, rusty shiv that looks like just a nasty piece of junkyard metal and it's very diseased. And I'm gonna attempt to stab Rudolph the Red. - Okay. - What's his name? - Rudolph the Red. - Okay. - Can you be like, you're fighting Torbek and this is... - And this is Tetanus. I'm gonna attack.

I got a natural fucking 20. Woo! Wow! Plus eight to hit, but I think we're good. That hits, yeah. So I'm gonna use my dagger, so it's gonna be 2d4 plus two, 3d6, so I need, can I borrow 4d6? You can. So it'll be a total of 6d6. Here, I got you. Thank you. Okay.

Dormech's doing something! He rolled okay. That's not a lot of, max there is eight, nine, 10, 11, plus another 11 is 22, plus 15 is 27, plus five is 32. Wow.

- Yeah, that's really good. - Feel the sting of my rusty shoe! - Oh, you do have to make a constitution saving throw. - Okay. And then as I stab him, I go, "Ahhh!" Constitution saving throw will be at-- - It's just normal because you don't have yours and he's...

- Wait, you're right. - I'm in within 20 feet of him. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, so it's disadvantage. - But I was advantaged on the attack, which is why it was normal. Eight plus con is gonna be five for 13. - That, you succeed, you are not blinded. - Curse you! That's my turn. - It is his turn, but he is, it was for this turn, so he is-- - He's stunned. - Yeah, he's stunned, he's done.

How many keys? Is this turn over now? Yeah. No, it's at the end of Frost's turn. At his turn. At Biffy's turn. Hold on, hold on. Okay. Thank you. Kremi. Oh, I'll bet you an initiative? Yeah. I got a seven.

All right, let's see. Crossroads can figure this out. So add the crystal ball to your list. And I will first give me a present and I wanna-- A present appears in your hand and your affliction is gone. Oh, did I ever get my present last time? What? Did I just clear my, I think you never got one. You never rolled this one. It's just like random tchotchkes. Okay, so it's good, got it. Yeah.

- Roll a d20. - Yeah, I didn't have time to make a list of gifts. - No, your boon was that you were advantaged on Khan saving throws. - Oh, you're right. - Yeah, okay. - Well, no, not advantaged, you are-- - Perfectionist. - Oh, better, yeah. - Nine. - Nine.

- Roll on magic item table G, so give me a D100. - Oh baby. - See that con? - Oh no, Peter Goff, he's being very naughty. - That con proficiency is really gonna help when you're about to be blinded by his red notes. - Exactly. - Yeah. - It's working out. 21. - Oh, we just got a naughty. - A belt of hill giant strength. - Oh!

- Oh, look at that. - Oh, I feel like I could lift you over my head. - Oh, pretty captain, that would be romantic. - So the plastic cutlass will appear in my hand with a nice slot.

And I guess I'll see how this works. And so as I do my hand motions, I just go, oh, is this gonna, that's close enough, you hex pack! And I wanna walk up to him. Oh, it's made out of that clear plastic that's like purple and green, so it looks kind of glowy. And I'm gonna make two attacks on him. There's a button on your other shoulder where you would. Yeah, it flashes the light, oh yeah. The hex motion. That's so good. Oh!

- I can never read that super glittery one. - I know. - It's very shiny. - So this one's like a 20 something to hit. The other one is a 16 hit. - That hits. - Okay. - Nice. - One, two, three, four. - Make a constitution saving throw for me first, actually. - Oh, first? - Yeah, because it happens at the start of your turn 'cause you might be blinded.

- Oh, shit. - I rolled a one. - You were blinded. - So do I roll disadvantage then? - Yeah. - Yeah. - All right, so that was a 17 and a seven for the first two, but it still hit. - How did that hit? - It was a 16 total. So I rolled twice. - Oh, yes. - And the lowest one was a 16. - Yeah. - So you can have an extra attack. One's an actual 20, but the other's a 10. And so I, that is a 19. - Both hit.

I don't know. Let me have my else three, please. So the damage is six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty-five. How much damage do I get from my hex? One D6 for each one that hits. So it's two D6. Oh, it's just the crits. Okay. Twenty-five damage. Oh. Nice. Oh, no, no. Plus three. So thirty-one points of damage.

Nice. You take out your gun and you fire off bolts of... It's my sword. Oh, it's your sword. Anyway, you slice into its stomach and the plastic cuts through the flesh of this beast really easily, doing a significant amount of damage. Rudolph the Red is looking oddly rough for...

so quickly. There is a trail of burnt bodies in his wake, but you are felling this beast quite quickly. It's the tetanus. Chuckles. Die, communist, die! Roll a

- Constitution saving throw for me, please. - Oh, am I disadvantaged? - You are. - Yes, but I haven't pulled a gift yet. - Yeah. - Yeah, well then rip it. - He has to do this first. - I have to do it first. Constitution. - You're borked. - Oh, it's a nine! - Yeah, you are blinded. - You look into the deadlights.

Would you like a present? Oh, I've been a good boy this year. No, you haven't. I haven't written. I've been a very bad chuckle as I rip a present. Roll a d20 for me, please. And you feel your boon fade away. Roll a d100 for table eye. 43. Belt of cloud giant strength.

I literally balloon up and my eyes are complete white, are white, and I'll hear everything as I will, as the scroll that I had shrivels into fiendish light. And I'll be huge, my hand is massive. And...

After being blinded. You're still blind. I'll just turn forward as like tiny, they're completely white and now tiny little red pupils grow and grow and grow. And you hear, as my hand goes bigger and bigger and bigger. And I will say, in death we are one. In death we are strong.

In death, we are the Hong Legion. And I cast Finger of Death on it. Which it automatically fails! How do you do that? It's a dexterity saving throw. It's the level seven spell you gave me! Oh, I thought you were doing Sinulacrum. No, it was gonna be a trick to have him gather all around. I was gonna take Divine Radiance and kill people. I was gonna raise a zombie. You were baiting us. I was trying to bait everyone. Anyway.

- That's fine. So, finger of death, he fails. - It crashes into him and he is going to enjoy 7d8 plus 30. - You completely incinerate Rudolph the Red. The smell of burning flesh and hair fills your nostrils as what once had been. - So, what do you mean?

It's not disintegrating. It is, it's like a heart attack. So it crashes and so this could be really cool or not, but basically it's a humanoid kill by the spell that arrives at the start of your next turn and turns into a zombie that your parts were only under control. I was hoping it would basically be a clownification, right? And it would be like a clown zombie. But that's

He's not a human. So unfortunately, he's just going to kill her. I was going to twin spell and just kill her hand out, but I don't have enough sorcery points. Well, unfortunate. Oh, shucks. Damn. But Hugh, so in this case, he will incinerate, and you watch as he completely just blasts into smithereens, his chuckles, lets out this laser beam of fire

- Prepare to meet God, I can't go. - And you watch as Rudolph the Red is completely removed from existence. - Oh my God, Chuckles, what did you do? - I need you all to roll a wisdom saving throw. - That was most naughty and nice. - Wisdom saving throw. - Oh, you all three. - Advantage because we're next to Chuckles. - No, he is healed.

Oh, let's go. 19. Wait, what are we rolling again? Wisdom. With my proficiency. A 16. A 16. You all fail. Whoa. As in the back of your minds you hear, that is not going to get you much. I am still going to run away with it. You cannot stop Grilla. Grilla.

But there is one fewer communists. And you are all going to take... Oh my god. Five points of psychic damage. No, the voices are back! Was that the gorilla on the loose? It's not a gorilla! Someone's trying to steal Dorbeck's girlfriend! Oh...

Corp- Corp-Ec? Let me have one of them presents! Alright, here you go!

Please roll a d20 and you're no longer Santa Claus. - Well, hi, I got another eight. Just roll an eight like crazy Bojangles. - 100 please. - Oh. - Guys, I started CrossFit. - I got 70. - I've been really liking it. You guys should come. I can get you-- - A ring of spell scoring. - Oh. - Oh, and none of these things need to be attuned. They just automatically attune to you. - Oh wow, I got a ring.

- If I knew spells, I'd store them in there, but it's just pretty. And it's got candy. - I wanna look around at the carnage. - You might wanna read what your magic item does. It's a legendary item. - Yeah, so it says there are variants, and I assume it's just a base one. - Just pick one. Oh yeah, just pick base one. - 'Cause it just says a typical crystal ball, but I can, while touching it, I can gas the scrying spell with it, save DC 17. The other ones are mind reading telepathy and truth.

Come on, it's Olympa, babe. It's up to you, though. Sure. Yes. Okay.

- Okay, it's a crystal ball. I would like to look around. I have the crystal ball in my hand. I like to look around at the carnage and see if I see any human bones that might be left. - You do, but you got rid of your meat for human bones. There are a ton of human bones. - I look around, so I see if anybody's looking. Torbek, I shuffle over slowly to where the bones are. I kinda do this thing where I don't wanna bend over all the way, and I just kinda lean over, try to pick up a bone. - I need you to roll on the naughty list.

Hey Shackles, come on if we have a quick conversation. As I pick up the bone, I kinda like, "Ew." I put it back. Hands ruined the teeth. I don't have a taste for it anymore. I got a natural fucking one. Well, you know what that does. Turbate is feeling unlucky. As my hand is absolutely massive, despite my massive frame, it's still like smoking with

There's still glitter or confetti that's falling out, and then it just and then deflates, and my finger droops down and limps. Oh!

Okay. I still started CrossFit. Anyone want to go get some quinoa? Yvonne, check this real quick. Oh, yeah, sure. The people around you are panicking. You see some people who are mourning over the loss of their dead friends and family on your tiny feet. Oh my gosh. Is there anybody I can try to heal? Is there anyone who's in pain? Everybody's dead.

did anyone see my like demonic transformation with any child no they were all too busy mourning the loss of their friends they were like it's so sad those parents yeah big v what are you what's the tell me well first she speaks oh i mean

And the second you all died... What the fuck, man? What? I'll get a nice big cool belt that makes me a little strong, and you get a way bigger belt that makes you way stronger than me. Oh, you want to trade? Yeah, and my whole thing is the gun. You know, voodoo gun. It's got them all catchphrase. It's on the box.

Well, maybe you should have thought about that before becoming a pirate instead of a clown. And then you put out a gun and do like a way cooler thing? Yeah, no, if it had killed a humanoid, it would have been risen as my clown minion as a member of the Legion. That's even like a Briggs-y thing. I mean, I'm basically 40% zombie.

Well, you're not a clown, you're not a clown, which is the kind of-- I am reborn, I'm also a zombie. We're actually-- I think we're kind of the same species, technically. According to the rules, actually. Well, I thought Net Wizards of the Coast would call that a lineage. Oh, we share the same lineage. That's right, so we have separate species. Yours being human, mine being lizard folk and a crocodile variety. Oh! But I'm-- How did you become reborn?

- All around you pixies have appeared, candy striper pixies in holiday attire as they help to remove the dead and to take all of those that are in mourning away to somewhere in the carnival to probably wipe their mind. But for all you know, they're going to be helped and healed. Nothing nefarious at all.

Totally. And this area begins to calm down a little bit as things are moved back into place. You see that the reindeers are being pulled back into position to start the ride back up. It's a very odd position that you found yourself in. And then a hush falls over everyone as

the crowd that's kind of standing behind you and watching you a little warily, having seen this clown disintegrate, Rudolph the Red, they all part, and standing in front of you in what appears to be a glittery candy cane outfit is someone who could be none other than Lightmizer.

- I had to call him Light Miser. And I just totally forgot what his voice sounds like again. - Oh, just quit cramping my style, that's all I-- - You want this belt? - Oh no, I'm in-- - Oh no, my game!

- Don't patronize me. - You can't take it off. - Oh, peanut butter. - You can't drain your gifts. Your gifts are yours and yours alone. - Oh, this is all Natty, bro. Just need a Natty lifestyle. - I need you to roll on the naughty table. - Oh fuck. - Let's get back to the group. - I'll continue on with the adventure. - Wait, I was just gonna say how I was reborn. - Do you wanna roll again? - Yeah, I would love to. - Just kidding. - Oh, another three.

Oh, so you got a three. Yeah. And then a natural 20. You develop an appetite for human bones. Nothing has changed. Oh no, I haven't taken my thrill joy. Oh, you were telling me how you became reborn. Oh yeah, no, the leader of the church had me drink this ichor and then we all died and were reborn and I thought of, you know, that's the whole problem, it's the whole thing.

It's not right. What did I forget? My body stopped, one cell at a time, but my brain kept firing those neurons, little lightning bolts, like fireworks inside. And I thought, I despair or feel afraid, but I didn't feel any of that. None of it.

Because I'm too busy. I'm too busy in the moment, remembering. Of course, I remember that every atom in my body was forged in the star. There's a lot more in this monologue. Can I turn off this show? You just closed the box. Yeah, I just closed the box. I pull my tail. To improve your posture, pretend that you're shooting lasers out of your nipples and trying to shoot people in the head.

Oh, sorry. Aster, I was... You hear a voice. I don't think that's going to help anybody. But you sure have helped me. I am Lightmizer, and I am one of the Witchlight Carnival owners. Uh-oh. Well, hi, Mr. Lightmizer.

I'm Tickle Me Torback. Do you want to try? Actually, I would. He walks over to you and he starts to tickle you. Oh! I like this a lot. Oh, that was pleasant. Torback love you. Cha-chunk. Cha-chunk. I'm babbling Bitsy. It's nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you too, Bitsy. You can pull my tail and babble. Oh, I would love to do that. He pulls your tail.

If you buy a bigger bed, you have more bedroom, but less bedroom. I have never heard something so wise in my entire life. Yeah, and that's right for him. I have 14 points of articulation. I don't know if that does anything for you. He looks at both of your hands like this. Oh, yeah, I've got a removable chunk, TM. Oh, yeah.

I'm chuckled in the butt. What's your favorite animal? I don't have one. What? Everyone's a favorite animal. Well, I normally would, but I don't have the time to have one now. Do you want to try and pull it out? Okay, poodle. Do you want to try and pull it out of me chunk? I would really like it if we'd all pay attention so we can finish this one chunk. It's removable. Oh, all right. Oh, look, it fell out. See my ribs? Okay, I'll put it back in. They're growing the dark.

If we could all move over to the side, I'd like to have a quick conversation with you. Were we fighting on the ice rink? No, you were fighting at the brain theorize. And he motions you off towards the side. You've done me a great service today. I fear the Winter Queen might not show up for the crowning. Yes, and also I think there's going to be a gorilla. What?

Torbex never seen a gorilla before. Roll on the naughty table. Torbex, you have lots of gorillas at the circuses that I've worked at. They're very scary. Natural fucking 20. You turn into a snowman and begin to melt. Oh. Oh. Oh, he needs a brisk iced tea. Oh.

Hey boomers, do you remember Brifkeye's D commercial? It's not working! Oh no! It's making him melt faster! Oh god. Is she gonna be okay? She like dies, like death. I think Bitsy's gonna die. Oh no, I think he ate some Campbell's food. Oh, it's gonna be a child underneath all that snow, probably. Oh!

Come on, Biffy. Uh-oh. Biffy, rise and shine from the puddle that you've made. Oh, no. Biffy. Oh, I mean, she's dead. What's my voice again? Oh, there it is. We're walking in

Mr. Light leaves. Oh, no, Mr. Light, he was a poodle. What's up? How can we help you? Despite there being a gorilla, we want to help. Cha-chunk, cha-chunk, cha-chunk. Cha-chunk, cha-chunk, cha-chunk. Cha-chunk, cha-chunk, cha-chunk. Hey, what's the reward? He leaves. Oh, no.

Man, Lightmizer was really not a nice guy. I wonder if it's on account of us being man-eating cannibals. Can I run after him?

He doesn't actually leave. He patiently waits, tapping his foot for you guys to get your shit together. A little voice told me you like tigers, though. I give it. Oh, a little bit of extra down here. That is one thick tiger. Oh, yeah. I should feed it a cupcake. Yeah, you probably should. Oh, our friend just died. No, I'm a puddle.

Oh! Oh! Biffy, have you transformed into a talking puddle? You've also become reborn. What, Sarah? I haven't!

Oh, no! Do you feel compelled to give very overly long, terribly written monologues as the camera very slowly zooms in on your face? I don't know what you're talking about. What you're talking about? She just made a perfect example of how energy never dies, it just changes. The electrons of my body mingle and dance with the electrons of the ground below me and the air

I'm no longer breathing. And I remember there is no point where any of that ends and I begin. I remember I am energy, not a memory, not self. My name juggles, my personality, my choices all came after me. I was before the CrossFit and Reddit. I'm gonna cringe, I do it back.

I don't know. If Dormek can get muscles like Chuckles, he might sign up for CrossFit. I hear that all the ladies really like muscles and CrossFit guys. Well, I mean, if they keep making monologues like that, it's not for long. It's maybe for the first 30 seconds, and then they start talking about electrons and shit. Can somebody, like, empty out one of those? I need you all to roll on the naughty list. I need, no, no, I'm going to present

- I'm rolling for Derek, 11 for him, a 10 for me. - Okay, Derek. - Seven. - Do you still have enough left? - Huh? - Make sure you don't run out. - I am taking stock, thank you very much. - Oh God. - Can I roll? - No. - Two to one. - Huh? - That's fine, I'll take it. - Nope, you're at disadvantage. - Okay. Everybody's disadvantaged. - Seven. - Seven. You pick somebody.

- Chuckles. - You fall madly in love with Chuckles. - Oh, no. - I give you a 10 and the puddle that was formerly known as Bitfee. - Roll a D4 for me, please. - A D4, oh. A four. - You become a winter Eladrin. - Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! - You got an 11. He got an 11!

I need you all to roll a d4 for me, please. Oh, all of us? Oh, no. Three. I got a four. A d4 for Bitsy is a one.

- Three. - Can you, you got a three? So you reroll. - I get a two. - Well, you can get a two or a... - That's it. - Yeah, you can get a two. - I get a two. - So Chuckles, you swap bodies with Briggsie. - Oh, wow. - Bitsy, you swap bodies with Chuckles. I mean, yeah. - Wait, how does that work? - What do you mean?

- He gets Frixie, he gets Shuckles. Okay, so then I'm a puddle? - Yes, you're a puddle. - You're a winter eladrin. - So you're a winter eladrin, I'm a puddle. - And you say yourself. - Oh, thank gods. - Are you wearing any socks right now? - If you're asking me,

- No, I'm not. - Chuckles, I'm not wearing anything. - Oh, you should see the size of my socks. - No, I'm not Chuckles, I'm Briggsie. - Oh, just when Chuckles couldn't get any more beautiful. - I'm Jack in the Box now, right? Am I not Chuckles? - No. - You were one, right? - Yeah. - Yeah, so you are, you're Chuckles. - So I'm in, is it Bitsy's soul? - No, you were three. - No, you're Briggsie, now.

I'm Briggs. You're Briggs because of the way that it worked, the swap being there's a matrix. He is Chuckles, but is actually a winter eladrin. I'm a puddle. He's a puddle, and you're Briggs. Yeah. Oh, well, what's all this then? I don't accept anything like that. I'm dying. Oi, oi, oi. Just when I thought me Chunk Chuckles couldn't get any more attractive. Now I get to show off how cool this is. Look, he's a lord. Thank you for the two more naughty lists. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you. I could have done it. Well, I guess this is what the other side of being an empty Capri Sun is. You sound like Bitsy. Oh, I feel like this is the other side of being an empty Capri Sun. There we go. Oh!

You know, Chuckles, I was saving this for Briggsie later. But tickle me Torbeck's special spot is his nipples if you want to try. I told you, I'm Briggsie. He's, I mean, she's Chuckles. Oh, you cool thing is. You can delete my number.

No, I would never. It's like a drop of the water falling back into the ocean of which it's always been poor. Is there going to come a moment when you want to find out how to deal with what's going on? Yes, I could have been present out of the fucking bag. Give me a present. It just automatically shows up. I'm busy in it.

I'm not saying anything like that! Oh, that's nice. I'm busy. Oh, but look, I can see you jumping. Are we both busy now? Yeah, yeah, you would be. Oh!

If I'm me, I know you. Oh, look at that knife. Oh, look at how nice and articulated the chunk looks. You know, I mean, you can obviously see the seam in there when it's in there, but you remove it and there's some ribs and some red flesh. You weren't, Chuckles. What happened to my beloved? Oh, yeah, he's gone. No!

I'm right down here. No. Usually when a space clown dies, we turn into a puddle of acid, but I guess I'm a puddle of water. You're no chuckles. It's the secret life of chuckles. No, you're just a puddle. Oh, am I? Yeah. Well, good night.

Everyone called me that in school. That's why I became a clown. It's too bad to be a puddle, isn't it? Yeah, it is. It's sad, isn't it? It's sad, isn't it? Oi, simple ass. Oi! Our loved one is around somewhere. I love you, not

Nice fish and chips. - Hey, out of a breezy, say Henry Higgins for me. - Henry Higgins. - Oh, it's fucking terrible. - Try to say bottle of water. - Bottle of water. - Oh, that's what he said. - It's bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Offensive, innit? Oh, it is offensive! Life is a dream! It's a wish! Give me one of those fucking presents! Again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and

a brisk ice tea. Please. We already discovered that that doesn't work. Puddle that's masquerading as my love. I'll roll a d100 for me. 42. You get something from table H. I need a present. You get 42. Give me

- You get a staff of frost. - There's like a watery tongue, Tenbro. - What did you get? - Nine. - Oh, I'm back to my normal self. - Oh, you get table G, D100. - I want a staff. - Why do you still sound like me? - Because I'm a bird, I was a snowman. - Speed. - You sound kind of like a drip.

- Oh, that is a gem! - You get a figurine of wonder's power, the serpentine owl. - Ooh. - The giant owl, don't forget! - Wait, is your shape-- - Oh wait, no, no, no, you rolled an eight? - I rolled an eight. - You get a plus two weapon.

Oh. Who needs this fucking weapon? Oh, I'll do it! Oh no, you're going to the sword! Your weapon becomes plus two. Oh, hey! Who wants to place a prison gently on my water? Oh no, I still got a carrot here! Who wants to put a prison right on my carrot, just on the table?

I just gingerly walk over. Don't stare. Be careful where you stare. And I just set the present right on your face. Oh.

This is disturbing, even tormenting. The carrot starts to move around. You immediately stop being whatever the fuck you are and please roll a d20. It's literally just coal in the puddle moving around and then the carrot is like...

This disgusts and arouses Dorbeck. I have a lot of regrets, Chad. I have a lot of regrets. I told Rich, I don't know if Chuckles is a good idea. I was trying to get Frost to not play Mitzi into my Caprice. There is no time. There is no death.

Guys, I got a staff of frost. Oh, chuckles. My love, you are back. I'm back. A d20, please. A d20? Yeah. Oh, my. A natural 20. Oh. I am a god. A natural 20, you say. I am all of it. I am everything. I am all.

- Oh, I am that I am. - As you obtain the ability to cast Wish. - Oh shit. - This is a one per campaign ability.

You can only use one wish. And if anyone gets a natural 20 again, they have to reroll. Wow. I am that I am. Someone wrote that shit. I'm fighting for it. While you are contemplating your newfound godhood, you just feel a fuzzy hand on your crank. I am the Honk Legion. Oh!

Chuckles. You're so muscular and veiny. There's a lot of veins on my top half. Are you sure you're nanny? Yeah, no, of course I am. I have to skip leg days on account of not having any legs. Oh, actually, no, look at the veins on my spring. Ah!

I'm fighting my dream right now. Mr. Lightmizer, how can we help you? My band, my crew, for a small price, we will aid you in your troubles. We'll be able to help, I got a staff of frogs. Did you say for a small price? For just a very small price. Roll on the dice. Oh, it's not that unreasonable to ask for compensation.

I got a staff of frost, everybody. Oh, fuck, three. You ate bones. I have a tape for human bones. Why is your bone so deep? Now I get what you guys are talking about. Yeah, no, I mean, they're kind of deep. Well, Torbeck has a confession. Shortly after the reindeer fight, Torbeck tasted a human bone and it was not nice and it will forever scar him.

Oh, I forgot to roll my magic, my wild magic roll. That's okay, you don't have to do that. I don't care. What race are you? Are you a human? Mr. Light? No. He's Shadow Kai. Oh yeah, he's Shadow Kai. Oh, never mind. Anyway, what can we do for you? Well, you see, I'm afraid that the Winter Queen is not going to show up tonight, as, I hate to tell you this, but Grilla...

Grilla. Grilla. Wait, no. Miss. Miss City. What about Grilla? I don't like this. I don't like this. Is it a charcoal Grilla?

Wait, are you saying that Mr. Light and Miser is a wild gorilla? Look at me get that gorilla. I have a phobia of gorillas. I've got a staff of power out on Frost here. One of my best friends, Crammy, has a circus and he has a manila gorilla. What?

Oh! No, I bet I could beat up a gorilla now! Look at my gorilla muffles! Look at my stag! It's on my Donkey Kong, fella! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What's my voice again? It's not there!

- It seems sad in it, it'll help. - Oh, that's sad in it. - Oh, there you go, you got it. - Skeletal key. - Oh. - So this Gryla character, she's real nasty. - Oh, Gryla. - Gryla. - Gryla. - It's probably actually how it's pronounced, it's Gryla. - How do they pronounce it in God of War? Let us know. - I do have regrets, a lot of regrets.

I should just dance all... I'm just kidding. Emry begins, there we go. It's all Natty. I'm all filled up. Well, we can take care of this gorilla for you. Yeah.

We'll help you, Mr. Whitlightmizer! Will you sing us a job-- Rich, keep your shit together! We'll get her! We'll get her! No, we will! We will! Will you and Mr. uh... Mr. Witchmizer sing us a nice song if we do it? Yeah, we'll be sure to take down this Magyla Gorilla. Oh yeah! Fuck, Andy!

We got a gorilla for sale! We're getting a gorilla for sale! We got a gorilla for sale! We're getting a gorilla for sale! Remember that, boomers? It is very important. I can't even do his voice. No, that was it. It is very important that the Winter Queen makes her appearance.

Without our magical blessing, we will not be able to pick up and leave from this place. And the Witchlight Carnival will be doomed to drown in the snow forever. That's not good. Oh no! And unfortunately, it looks like Gryla has, with the death of this creature, it was the third death of a strange creature in the Witchlight Carnival today, first,

There was a band of five rogue gingerbread men that you would have foughten. Foughten. You would have fought. We would have foughten them? Let me do this, please! I cut them! I cut them! You would have fought them, but I cut them out! No, not the gingerbread men! You would have gone to the gingerbread house and you would have fought the gingerbread men!

- I caught the gingerbread man, but I cut them. - Can't we just hand wave it and say we did that? - And then you would've gone to the winter forest and you would've fought a rogue Christmas tree, but I cut him too. - That sounds really fun. - That sounds so fun. - I bet he can whip balls at us. - You can't because I shit like this. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry I just denied my-

- He's gonna whip balls at you. - Yeah, yeah, he probably had like a tentacle attack. He was like, Christmas tree lights and wrapped them all up. - But it's cut. His tinsel and balls have been cut. - Oh, not the balls. - And it was with this final death, she planted them here. It was with their death and all the children she's killed over the course of the past seven days that she has been able to summon the Krampus.

- Oh no. - Oh, what's that? - That happens to me once. - I was gonna say something about Krampus in my pants. Oh, Bitsy beat me to it. Hers was funnier. - I like to remind Breeze of me to cut that joke out.

Hey, but it's the wreck in the future. Hey, it's the movie. Cut that. Cut that. Cut that. Who's Krampus? What's the Krampus? He's not scary. Is he scarier than Gorilla? If they fought, which one would win? Would you rather fight one Krampus-sized gorilla or 50 gorilla-sized Krampuses? Is it Krampus?

- Oh no, I've got bone!

You do? I'm actually Krampusing! I got that one wrong by Krampus. Oh, 16. Thank god I got my naughty lift right. I got a 14. Holy shit. What did I get? You got a 16? Yeah, 16. Your nose becomes a flopping penis. Oh!

It's not done. You don't notice any changes yourself. Oh, Captain, what's going on with your face? Captain, look at me.

I don't know what you mean! It looks like a big dog! A big what? Dog! You can't walk around like that! That's a nose that'll really harm. Just my nose, my regular crocodile nose. I got a 15. Or a 16. Well, yeah, we're not gonna do another 16. You got a 15? With a 15, yeah, that's what it's at. Oh, let's do yours first. 14.

Your entire mouth is numb and you can't stop drooling. - Oh my god. - And Mike, I'm sorry, this is a really, really bad one. You immediately die and roll on the reincarnation table. - No! - Did he send in one? - Sure. - Oh, he sent in one? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's so good. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh yeah. Oh, that D20. We're going to do it. Do I have to do it with my mouth numb? Yes. We have to do it with all of our things. Thank you so much, Sloth. Seriously. You were unbelievable. It's an eight.

- Eight. - It's an eight. - Did we do eight already? Check, what's the-- - I don't believe so, but I'm checking right now. - Right now? - Oh, holy night. - Oh, perfect. - Perfect. Can't wait. - What was my current-- oh, the PS. - I don't know what you guys are talking about. - Okay. - Are you guys ready to get back into this? - Let's do this. - You're watching Legends of Avantris, and this is 'Twas a Night Before Witchlight.

Full metal alchemist. Full metal jacket! Can I have the pencil? Yeah. This is Legends of Avantris on Nickelodeon, and you're watching Once Upon a-- no, what is it? Twas the Night Before Witchlight. Draw what? A foot? Those toes are awfully detailed.

Wait, I need a ketchup? Okay. Okay. Okay, Dan. So you'll say, oh my goodness, you have a penis! And I literally explode in the ass. Oh, you didn't even poke!

He might be the final ritual and have planned to summon Krampus. Oh, no. Oh, God, well...

We hardly knew him. Why is there a penis jiggling around on your face? There's not a penis jiggling around on my face. I'm currently watching it jiggle around on your face. I'm made of like a top of like silicone, I guess. I'm currently watching it jiggle on your face.

What the fuck? What the fuck? As all of the acid and flesh are... As it grows to about like five feet tall and suddenly dark black feathers grow all over me. As I get a long, long beak and I'm wearing a full clown outfit.

Why are you using Thunderclaw's double? Why are you using Thunderclaw's double? Are you making fun of Thunderclaw? Why are you making fun of Thunderclaw, man? Thunderclaw! Thunderclaw! What's going on? He's saying everything we're saying. There's a penis flapping on my nose. On your nose. No, he said that too, but...

What are you? What are you? I'm me. What are you? What are me? I don't know what you are. I don't know. That was pretty good. Our friend is... Look what's happening. I got a staff of frost. I know a guy named Frost once.

I got a friend! What happened to me? Jesus, this is getting eldritch. Imagine actually being a Genku. What a nightmare! What a nightmare that is! I want to roll a Genku character now.

But as a Kenka, you'd have a Rolodex memory of all the... Yeah, it's a photographic, or not photographic, but yeah. What is it called? Dydetic. Dydetic. Anyway, please continue. Mr. Knight, you said you need help with, uh... What's the name again?

no he's growing up

I hate you guys. I hate you. Mr. Witchmizer. That is Gryla. Why are you talking like that? Why are you doing fuck off? It's like he can only... Me? Talking like that? I don't know.

The Rubik's Cube shit that you have to do to make that work. All my answers are running in full tail chat! If you're ready to watch me fuck up, if blood starts coming out of any of my orifices, let's pause. Yes. Keep going, actually. Um...

I'm sorry, what was your question? I'm really distracted by the penis flopping around in his face. It is some kind of groan. Feel free to cut it off me, but I don't think there's anything there. I don't think I want to go anywhere near it. And that's a verse for me. I don't want to go anywhere near groaner. And honestly, you shouldn't. Yeah, well,

- You have to compensate us. Like Captain said, we have to-- - I need you to roll a naughty table. - Oh no! But right now I just want human bones, Ken. - Can you roll a d4 for me please? - D4.

That's why I'm a Viking, three. - You are a summer, you turn into a summer elantric. - Bread! - Oh, totally, yeah, all right. - All right! - Does anybody have any human bones? I was really craving like some human bones. - What happened to human bones? - Dude, you're messing with my vibe.

My vibe is me! Whoa. I feel different. I feel different. Is it just me, or did your nose get, like, more rubbery after he made that comment about your nose? I don't really know what y'all are talking about, but

I mean, I'd like to help you! Uh, I mean, uh, uh... Gryla!

- What? It's Gryla! - It's a simple question. - That's Gary Goodbeary, what's up on? - He looks at it, he looks at all of you. He kind of waits for a minute. You mean gorilla? No, I'm just kidding.

Yes. Kryla. She is a large gigantus. Giantus? Gigantus? Gigantus? Pythagoras? Don't knock a gigantus out there. She's got a husband. Gigantus? Just because there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score. laughter laughter laughter laughter

Wow. Can I get a single fucking sentence? Oh. We're willing to help. Just tell us where this Gryla is and we'll be able to take him out. Gryla's far outside of the Witchlight Carnival. She lives in a cave out in the mountains. We'll go to the cave. Oh.

Not Kryla! Oh.

Krampus! Finally someone can fucking Krampus. Krampus! What? Mr. Landmine, what is the... Krampus! What he said, yeah. What he said, yeah. Krampus is a horrifying creature. He is the epitome of evil and naughty this time of year. And my fear is that

Gryla is going to try and use him to get to the Winter Queen. This Krampus entity has been summoned inside of the Ice Castle at the very heart of the Witchlight Carnival. I don't... After seeing what happened here with all of the dead, we've blocked off the Witchlight Castle. And I would ask that you make your way there and destroy the Krampus and allow for the Winter Queen to make her way into the Witchlight Carnival and we can all finish celebrating.

- Miss Ladmas will go to the-- - I cast. - Oh, totally. We'll do it, but unrelated. Do you happen to have any human bones? - He looks around at the human bones still scattered on the ground that are still being picked up. - Human bones? - Oh, human bones.

Thanks, Mr. Lightmizer. Thanks, strangely covered feathered chuckles. Chuckles. And it is around this time as you pick up the bone that a, um. May chuckles. May chuckles. Chuckles. Chuckles. Then a winter wind is.

I don't know any words anymore. Sing the song. Oh, we have to sing a song. You feel the need to sing Oh Holy Night. Oh. Good luck, Mike. You're going to have to sing every word after someone else. Oh, holy night.

The stars are shining in the night. The moon is in the air. The moon is in the air. The moon is in the air. The moon is in the air.

A thrill of hope. The winds of joy sing for yonder grace. A new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees. Hear the angel voices of the night.

I totally did. Oh, no. When I got some human bones. When I got some human bones. We're not done. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Toad's Braille. That was quite nice. Thank you. Very well done, Max. Thank you. You were a little out of time.

Me! He says his penis. Voodoo! Me! Jerkles! Fall on your knees! Thank you! Sloth with ADHD for the 1000th time! Thank you! Oh my god! Like, fall on your knees! Rubberies! Crampus! Ice castle!

- I'll take a present so you all stop looking at me weird. - I'll take a present too, that'd be fine. - Don't want the present! - You got a full sack. Just go rustling around in there. - You open a present? - I would like to, yeah. - D20 please. - I'll open a present as well. - Okay, all three of you are opening presents. - If they're available. - Nine. - I'll take one. - Nine. - We're getting more Eldritch magic.

Roll a d100 for me. 67. Jesus fucking Christ. Table G. 67, you say? You get a ring of free action. What did you get? A one. You get a one. Add one to any stat of your choice. I'll take one. So, like, if your strength is 10, it would now be 11. 19. 19.

19. You gain one free natural 20. Whoa. Whoa. Derek. 11. 11. D100. 34. You gain a Cloak of Elvenkind. Totally. Totally. All you back to Chuckles.

It's a great question. So what was, what were your, did you have anything else? I feel like the- No, no, that one, that one cannot be undone. Because I'm still chuckles, but I was literally reincarnated. Yeah, you died. That's why I said there were some things on the naughty list that are really fucked up. That was one of them. Oh, I got this nice, filthy, kind cloak.

Torbeck is covered in drool. That's always been true. We spring to the ice castle. Let's go, fellas. The Krampus is covered in drool. He will be when I'm done with him. Let's go take care of this Krampus and then we can celebrate and maybe get in some of them rides. He will be. Ice castle. We make our way.

Mr. Light wishes you good luck, and he tells you that the overall joy at the carnival has plummeted with the death of so many innocent civilians. - Understandable. - And also just looking at our general behavior up here. - He feels that the only way to save the night and allow the Witchlight Carnival to move on from this plane is to,

Not even this plane, from, um, you were in Mammut, is where he tells you that the carnival has been set up. And the only way for it to leave from this place and make its natural movements is to gain the blessing of the...

the Winter Queen, and that he believes that she can feel her presence here, but that it seems like the Krampus has already gotten its claws into her, and so you need to make your way into the castle. He gives you directions on how to get there, and it is quick for

for you to make your way through the carnival. But you do feel the, yeah, you do feel the powers of magic once again assail you and I want you all to roll on the naughty list. - I use, before that happens, my proficiency with cartographers tool to create an extremely accurate map. - Yeah, it's extremely accurate, but where you put the we are here is very wrong. - It's on my character sheet. - Oh, the castle's right there. - I got a 10. - You can't miss it.

- Cherry roll if I got a 10 too. - No. - I got a 19. - Each of you roll a d4 for me, please. - Have we seen a 19? - I don't know. - I got a one. - I got a four. - You are, Richie, you are a winter Eladrin and you are a spring Eladrin. - Oh, what's spring Eladrin?

It's up to you. We roleplayed them as a pervert. Yeah. Because of Sex Pass. Give me a voice. Give me like something. Give me like... We did Bob Ross. Yeah. That's nice. Loving you. It's warm and velvet. It's easy.

- 18. - You could also do like a New Yorker, like, "No, this is good." - Hey, Peter, this look like a cue to you? - What did you get? - 18. - Okay, and then we got a 19. - I got a 19. - You, Chuckles, are overcome by psychedelic hallucinations. - Oh, good. - And you, Derek, have become a proud nudist.

Oh shit! Oh shit! Who bitchy your bits around? That's why they call me Bitsy! Me! Chuckles! Chuckles I mean! Chuckles! You already in Chuckles? Me! Krampus! No, you're not Krampus! Me! Ice Castle! No, you're not the Ice Castle! You're Chuckles! Me!

Not the Ice Castle? Yeah! Well, Torbek for one... No! Torbek has never been happier to be more eloquent than Torbek is now and...

Torbeck thinks Bitsy is looking fine. Well, thanks, I guess. Don't ever change, Bitsy. Don't ever change. I mean, I've been changing a lot in the last hour. Have you seen all the crazy shit that's been going on? Well, whatever you do, don't put any clothes on. I just swallowed, like, an eight-inch bone back there. I got a 20-incher for you if you want to try later.

That's a lot of bone. I'm not hungry for bone nuggets right now. It's extremely large. I'm hungry for bone now. Well, you've come to the right place, Chuckles. You've come to the right place. Human bone right now. You're Chuckles. You got that straight?

Me chuggles, yeah. Well, we're at the castle. Torbeck. I think Torbeck thinks maybe we should just hang out here for a little while. Me, me, Gorilla. Just, you know, get a little. Get your paws off me. I told you to delete my number. But

- But Briggsie, I'm surprised you put your clothes back on. - No I did because it's degenerate. - You can take them off. - And you notice as you walk into this ice castle that it is freezing in here. - Gorilla paws! - You are absolutely freezing. - Well it's a good thing that I've got this. - Did anyone else's nipples get a little erect? - No, you freak!

Torbek thinks it's a bit nipply in here. I'm a king of ice and frost! This is fucking nothing! Well, I'd give you this staff, but it gives me cold resistance, so I'm gonna hang on to it. I'm surrounded by perverts! An ice king, you say? Yes! Your nipples must always be like icicles. No, because I have a resistance! Torbek, pervert! Yes, that's what I'm saying! That's a little harsh, don't you think, Chuckles? Fine, Chuckles!

- Yes! - I am in chuckles. - I don't know why I decided to become a nudist at this moment, 'cause it's very cold. I think I could probably cut through that ice castle with my nipples. - You know what? Just 'cause we're almost done, I don't-- - It's very cold, ice castle. - Roll on the naughty list one more time. - All of us? - That's the last of my-- - I told that truly, truly is naughty. 15. 17. - 15? - I got a 20. - Is there anything that we've missed? - You turn into a snowman and begin to melt.

What did you get? Fifteen. Is there any that we've missed? You immediately died on the reincarnation table. Oh, no. Not the beautiful nudist. Anything but the beautiful nudist. This is what you get. They shake your fucking palms. This is what really happens. Gone too soon. She was so beautiful. The universe is remixing itself again. We're floating

♪ In the moonlit sky ♪ ♪ The beam far below ♪ ♪ As we fly ♪ - I got a 17. - Ethan! You turn into a feral tabaxi and you feel the need to mark your territory. - Ugh. - So am I-- - It's just getting more perverted! - Does that make me no longer a... Eladrin? Like I'm just now, I'm the Fizz Panther now?

- You are an Eladrin piss panther. - What shade table did you use? - Can you be Tabaxi and Eladrin at the same time? - That's my question. - I would say the Eladrin overrules the Tabaxi, but you feel like you need to-- - So you're a feral Eladrin who wants to piss everywhere. - Okay.

Here, I'll find it, I'll find it. Open a present immediately. Whoa. That's hilarious! Whoa! I have a sudden urge.

Why do you look like you're about to start pissing on the stuff? Yeah, why do you look like that? The puddle is very, very suggestive. Me, chuck him. Amazing. Do you want him again? No!

I need to look it up. I don't know this race very well. What is it? It's from like Magic the Gathering. 49. Oh, it's like a witch. Yeah. I think I just stayed the same. I'm a witch now. I'm a hexblood. You just have greens. You're like green. Well, hexblood is a lineage. So you're just like, yeah, that's what it is. I shoot back up and I'm like, well,

And then a black cat jumps into my arms. Oh, God! But you're naked! I'm still cold, but I got a cat in the staff. I know this Winter Queen has summoned this Krampus and allegedly owns him, but not for long. Not for long, he will be mine. Not frozen! What did you get, Rich? Oh, didn't I already get it? No. No?

Oh fuck, what did I get? I can't even read it. Present! Present! Three? I think the Chuckles is a monster. I'll have you re-roll, because we've gotten bones so many times. Present! Seventeen? You turned into a feral tabaxi. I'll need to re-roll. I'll need to re-roll, we already have that. One? No, that's not fun.

15. I'm surrounded by clitoris! It's a big one! Do it! Do it!

All of those cookies! My friends are dying around me, and I'm just urinating on a stalagmite. What do I roll for this fucking thing? This icy stalagmite is mine now. I'm back now. I think I'm a witch. And piss everywhere! And you're frozen. It freezes in the stream. Oh!

- Ooh, 30, what do I get? - Frozen piss everywhere! - You got a 30. - You're a gnome, roll a d6. - Five. - You are a rock gnome. - Oh no! - I'm Peanut! My name is still Briggsie, I think. - Briggs-I. - What happened?

Fuck! My piss stream has frozen to this black mite. I fear I might be stuck. Frozen, it's everywhere! I think we need to give puddles a present. Me, puddles! Well... Rubbery! Come on, and give him

- Give him one present. - Oh, I would love to, but I'm a bit indisposed at the moment. - Give me presents. - And Torbax's sack is way over there. - I'll do it, I'll do it. - Give me Torbax's sack. - I dump a present out on you. I just empty the contents of the cupboard. - It's open already.

Fuck it, it's dead! It's open! It's fucking open! Roll a d20! And just remember you have a wish. You can wish that the Krampus is dead. No, can you just wish that it's all back to normal? Wish? Wish that all of us are back to our original forms! I wish my peace dream was undone. And without me being cursed with horrible undeath for eternity.

What did you get? Oh, 14. D100, please. I basically feel the same, except sometimes I can pull out my teeth and do magical stuff. A hammer of thunderbolts. Jesus. You got a hammer of thunderbolts. Frozen. Frozen.

- Your pee's everywhere. - Did someone say my name? I thought I heard someone, I can't turn around, I'm stuck. I thought I heard someone say something about my call sign. - How are you still? - My pee is stuck, it's frozen, it's frozen to the stalagmites.

- It froze like up the stream and like stuck on your penis? - It's extremely painful. - That sounds awful. - Your 20 inch penis. - Well, I'm in a ladron so it's very average. - Slightly larger than average. - Slightly larger than average. - Oh, what's that? - My eyes will turn white and then tiny little pips is all just surge with power.

Wish Krampus was frozen peas. What?

- Someone said it again, I heard it again. I heard it again, frozen pea. Someone tell me what's happening. I can't turn. I can't turn my neck. - You hear the sound of hooves and the jingling of a bell and you hear the loud roar of what can only be a Krampus. And then all of a sudden you hear the sound of fresh urination.

Where it's coming from can only be deep in the hole of this-- - Wait, wait, nobody let her leave on that crampus, he's mine! - He's mine! - Unbelievable! Windr Palace. And then you hear the cracking sounds of

urine as it freezes. Uh-huh. That's all you hear. Is that the sound of urine cracking? The sound of urine cracking. I swear to God, if there's another peer in here. I grab you by the back and pull you. Come on, let's go. Let's go. I wish I was dead.

and you rip Torbek away from his frozen piss stream. - Come on, Vol'kin! - And you make your way through the winter halls. One of you is now in naked hex blood. There's a gnome. - Hello! - You are facing this. - Eladrin, I'm gonna spring Eladrin. - And you make your way into what looks to be the main hall of this area, and you see that

Coming to in the very corner of this room, it's the throne room, the main hall where they would perform the crown or the welcoming of the Winter Queen. And you see in the very center what would have at one point been a ferocious enemy standing 15 feet tall, this gigantic mass of a creature, a Krampus,

I don't know how else to say this. A Krampus. Oh, that's definitely a Krampus.

- Krampus! - But no longer the way a Krampus would look. Instead, you can almost see through it as it has clearly been turned to piss and frozen. - Krampus is frozen piss! - So zero temperature room. - Oh no! - I look around at my friends and I look at the frozen piss Krampus and I say, damn it.

From Krampus to Krampus. I don't know how we would be here. This was my life's work. I'm sorry. I'm going to shatter it with this staff if that's all right with you. I got frozen pea shards in my penis for this. And it feels like kidneys, though. You have shrapneled my poo really bad.

- I have crippling pain, crippling. - It's a ladron of just hand pain. - I can heal with my hands, just give me a second. - I'm gonna walk up and like a baseball bat, I'm gonna take the staff of frost and swing in and as I swing in, the staff is gonna go, "You're probably wondering who's shattering you now."

I'm gonna break the-- I'm gonna break the-- Beans! You do. The Staff of Frost, which is a Ascension item from ages and ages in the future, speaks to you as you shatter the Cram Piss

And I need you all to roll a dexterity saving throw as serrated piss shards rain down on all of you. Just another day that ends in Y.

I got an 18. 16. Shards of frozen piss. 19. Look out! Shards of frozen piss. You also have now and shattering. What did you get? You may be wondering. Frozen piss! I got a 26. You are.

dodge out of the way like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix as you move his way in that dodging every bit of frozen piss as you shatter the cram piss and he begins to oddly enough melt as the room starts to warm a little bit as you notice that

- Ooh. - Next to the throne, held in some kind of stupor, the ringing of the Krampus' bell keeping her from moving, is a beautiful, tall, Aladrin woman.

She is wearing a crown of ice around her head. Her long black hair is flowing in soft waves down her back. The dress that she's wearing shimmers as she moves with the lights of the Aurora Borealis. And her skin is incredibly pale, white as snow. As she looks down over all of you, her eyes are nearly...

nearly pure dark purples and blues. So dark, it's hard to see where her iris begins. What? What did I fuck up this time? No, keep going. You didn't do nothing. You didn't do anything. Jesus. But she is incredibly beautiful as she slowly begins to move. I look to the rest of my friends and I say, well, I think I got a little left in the tank. LAUGHTER

I'm literally turning into a fucking dolphin! She's the winter queen, not the winter pea!

- Okay, hold on, Chloe. Chloe, you just gifted 555 bits, said, "Take my money, you stupid fuckers." This is a hell of an insanity. This has been one of the best days of my life. I hate you, Never Change. I love you. I love you. - We love you. - And you have to leave some of the best comments. Thank you. - She looks out at all of you and...

the look that's on her face

is one that it barely moves, but you can tell there's a bit of joy, a bit of a smile behind her eyes, though she doesn't tilt her lips up enough for you to fully see. As she raises a large staff that is crystalline and twisting, a beautiful black diamond held in the very center at the top, almost suspended in midair as it spins.

and she points it out towards you and you feel a wave. You feel a wave of magic overcome you. Wish. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. But thank you for what you've done for me. What a beautiful diamond. Her eyes linger on you for a second. She tilts her head. Thank you, Bitsy.

Oh, you know my name? And you feel yourself, as this wave of magic washes over you, you feel yourself return to your normal form. No longer this hex blood creature. All of the effects that have been over you are gone as your memories begin to return as well.

and you begin to remember the taste of that cocoa. You just, I swear I got anxiety piss. - You know what, I'm sure we broke at least every TOS agreement. - Nope, more salami. - And she looks out at you. Oh, I can see that your memories are returning. -

"Be wary of taking things from strangers in the future. You don't want to get trapped in another snow globe, do you?" And it seems like a strange thing to say, but her eyes dart to the ceiling. And for the first time you see that you are in a strange circular glass enclosure. And

Looking out, you see that the snow that's coming down around you all over this entire place is very clearly the fake snow that you would see in a snow globe. And as you look up, she says, "I will right the wrongs that have been done here today. The Witchlight Carnival will travel again. You have done me a great service."

But beware the eyes that watch. And her eyes look up one more time and you see the face of an elderly woman, a gnarled, twisted nose and dark eyes, her hair falling in chunks around her face. As with gnarled old fingers, she looks out down at you in the snow globe in a

a twisted smile alights her face. And as you look up, you can see through the snow that you were clearly in some, on the shelf in some kind of hut. As all of a sudden, - What did her teeth look like? - As she smiles, you see a flash of iron as all of you, as all of your, as all of your consciences snap.

and you wake up in a soft bed, snow drifting out in the windows behind you. You're not together anymore, but the memories that you shared are firmly affixed in your mind, and that is where we will end the session.

Oh my god, no, I'm sorry! So her back is so embarrassed about the pee thing. You wake up in a dumpster. Oh no! Wow, that was amazing. I'll bet that diamond was worth one grillion dollars. And scene. I can't believe I went to the snow planet. We made it!

I have a lot of friends. Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Avantras podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin tier or higher to unlock Shroud of Ersalmarsh, a Patreon-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com forward slash legendsofavantras.

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