The Nightmare Before Witchlight | A Halloween One-Shot
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Welcome to Legends of Evandris. You are all walking through a dark wood. You have been walking for days at this point. It has been difficult to find places to camp. The woods around you have been treacherous. And at any point that you feel the need to rest overtake you, there is a sense of being watched, of being stalked and hunted. Your sleep is broken.

fragmented, and you are all exhausted. Physically, you do not, you are not enjoying, or mechanically, you're not enjoying exhaustion, but you feel very close. Another night, like the ones that you've had over the past couple of days, and you will not be able to hold off the exhaustion that is lurking at the edges of your mind.

And it is here that you find yourselves, once again watching as night descends around you and you hope against hope that you can find some place for respite. Oh, we're gonna fucking die out here! Don't say that! Oh, it's gonna happen! No! Pitsy!

I'm all out of hope. I hear that. I'm going to hold on to just a little because I don't want to die in these areas. What? You're going to hold on to a little? Give me your hope. Give me the rest of your hope. You've been holding out on your family. But you've been holding out on all the hope. Oh, I wish I was dead. I've already died from a certain point of view. And I just wanted to be over. I'm so tired. Will you carry me? What? No. Why not? I'm so tired. I want to eat your legs. Oh.

Well fine, you can climb up on my leg, I'm just not carrying you. Ugh! Gideon, would you carry me? No, no. I know what's under that shirt. I don't think I can... This is a belly! We know! He's been self-conscious about it for months! Yeah! I don't know, it's not a competition, Gideon!

I don't know why you're so self-conscious about it. I'm self-conscious about it, man. I'm just saying, I'm not gonna wrap you up in my arms. Well, I just think that you're a little, you're just being a salty little beast. Fine, you can hold onto my other leg. What are you guys talking about? Oh, yeah. I'm awfully tired, too. No, you're not tired. You're already dead. You actually can get tired. Oh, it's actually quite relaxing.

He doesn't have a third leg. Can you grow a third leg, Giggity? I'm talking piggybacking. If you can grow a third leg, Giggity would love to wrap around it. He'd love to wrap around your third leg. This is wonderful. Maybe piggyback him.

Oh, just hold still. Oh, watch the chains, watch the chains. Oh, Fakeskin, you know, you're a real life saver, you know that? Well, you're welcome, everybody, I guess. Onwards! Giddy up! The fluttering of wings. I grab your chains like rings. Hey, put those down, put those down, that's not what those are for.

We'll continue. No, we're good. We heard the DM. I just realized I don't have a beard. Isn't that weird?

Oh gosh, its face! The fluttering of wings startles you for a second and the sound of the rustling of branches and tree leaves as you realize the entire canopy of this forest begins to shake as every single bird in the vicinity takes flight, almost as if evacuating this place. Silence settles around you and you look around and realize that this looks...

different from the forest you had been in before. The forest that you had been walking through previously had been any forest you could have found in Barghest or Striga. Dark, tall, towering trees. Rich, earthy soils. And though this forest has those things, the colors are more vibrant.

the greens, an unusual shade of green. You notice that some of the fungus that you see peeking out from further within the tree line are in shades you've never seen before. Some of them, what you would imagine to see deep within the earth, a bioluminescence, but out here amidst the trees, you see them glow.

You see lights, small dots of light flitting about through the canopy. Fireflies, but varying-- Are they called fireflies? Lightning bugs? Yeah, I don't know. My brain just decided it was going to restart. Yeah, fireflies that you notice alight through the canopy in--

Not just the colors you've come to know, but in a veritable rainbow of colors. Dancing about, almost raining down around you. There's something magical about this place, different about this place. And as you look back behind you, you realize that in all of the shenanigans of attempting to ride Gideon, that you had walked straight through a mushroom circle. Attempting?

And looking at it now, you see it fade before your very eyes. Where it had clearly been on the pathway, you watch as it slowly becomes more transparent as eventually where there had been this circle, there is nothing more. You stand in this very ancient forest. You still feel like something is watching, waiting, but it's different. - What was that? Did anyone see that?

You talking about the birds? No, talking about the fucking mushrooms. They're all glowing and then they disappeared entirely. The birds? The mushrooms. The mushrooms, yes. And then they're gone. They weren't glowing. They were just your basic--

circle of mushrooms and you just happen to walk through them, not noticing them. Passive perception not picking them up. Oh, never mind. It's the mushrooms that are in the tree line. You see step mushrooms climbing up some of the larger trees and you would know them to be in browns and grays and more earthy tones, but you see these ones in vibrant blues and purple and illuminated.

Bravy, are you alright? Do you smell burning feathers? There was nothing glowing besides a lightning bug. They're fireflies, depending on your region. Well, I don't smell anything, but I mean, maybe I'm losing my mind. Oh! We're all gonna die out here! The post is finally taking hold, and I'll become one of the mindless ones. Oh, we've just been in this stupid forest for too long, man. We gotta get out of here. Find some place to hold up for the night. I'm worn out. Because everyone's riding me.

I don't know why you'd be so worn out. You're pretty-- aren't you strong, Gideon? Yeah, I thought you were all strong, Gideon. You're always like, "Oh gosh, my name is Gideon Cole. I'm quite strong," if you didn't know. That's you. That's exactly what you sound like. Well, that's just my classic introduction. You know how else are people supposed to get to know me if you don't say the most important thing about yourself? Yeah, you're always like, "My name's Gideon. Howdy, howdy, howdy."

Oh yeah! Oh my name's Gideon, there's a snake in my boot! Hey! There's a snake in his boot! Oh! It's just a trouser snake! Hey! Oh! Oh! This is the balloon- Stop it! I ain't talking about it! Get your hands off of it! Oh... Okay. What are you holding on to? Why does it only have one eye?

Oh, I am the Trowder Snake. Why are you jiggling it like this? Why are you doing this? I'm holding a perfect dark rifle. No, you're holding a Jersey Mike Sub. Roll trophy. Oh, mystical, all-knowing, one-eyed snake. Point us in the direction of our salvation that we may survive this haunted tale. Oh.

What does it say? I look down from Gideon's shoulders. Don't beat the fuck out of me. I'm out of ideas. Should we maybe just lock rest for tonight? We could rest here. It's nice. Not tree-ish. In the DM's description, I specifically said if you rested tonight without finding adequate

sleeping accommodations, you would suffer from excess exhaustion. That's a stupid fucking idea, Pitsy! Why would you suggest such a thing? What the fuck are you thinking? You're gonna get us killed, you idiot! I'm not gonna sleep on the ground!

Why would I not call you an idiot if you said such a stupid thing? Well, that's because your fucking balloon didn't show up the way it was supposed to go. How is the balloon going to show up the way? It's made out of fucking rubber! You just watched your sails and they just leap back and forth. I don't know. I'm a clown that's had 20 whiskey sours. Why are you looking at me? That's your fault, not mine. Where do you keep getting those whiskey sours?

Is there a path, like a clear path? You're on it.

We just gotta keep moving forward, or else we're gonna tear this whole party apart. Gideon is really the rabble-rouser here. He's instigating dissension between the ranks. What are you talking about, man? You need to just stay over there and calm down. Oh, I can't calm down. My whole clown life is flashing before my eyes. And you can calm down. There is something about this place that's spiking your emotions.

You're feeling that feeling, that anger that you all feel as you turn your attention on Bitsy and as your drunkenness spikes well beyond what it should for even the 25 whiskey sours that you've had this morning. Or this day. You feel that-- My whiskey sour? You feel that overcome you. I need you all to roll a wisdom saving throw for me. Oh no!

Chuckles at disadvantage because you're intoxicated. I already got an actual one!

I got a natural one. Oh no! I got a nine. I got a four. Great. Actually, can each of you roll a d10 for me, please? Me? Yeah. Oh, a d10. This is a d10. Which d10 should I use? I got a four. I got a four as well. Reroll the-- got me. I got a six.

Hold on, I'm Briggs-y, just to clarify. Whatever, whatever, they're basically the same. I don't know who Gremmy is. Who is this weird alligator? He just chewed up and started walking. Oh, I got a two as well. Re-roll. What did you get, Mike? I got a two as well. Six. Mike. I got a six. You love candy corn. You don't understand why people don't like it. You feel the need to convince everyone that candy corn is the superior candy.

Nine. You got a nine? Thank you. You got a four? I got a four. Things become much funnier, and when you laugh, it always comes out as a witch's cackle. You got a two? Two. You've eaten too much candy. You are incredibly nauseous. Get home still. And you got a what? A nine? Nine. You believe you are a werewolf. You know what's the nickelback of candy? What? What? Candy corn.

Candy corn is fucking gross. No! I'm saying candy corn. Candy corn is a lot better than everyone thinks. If it wasn't for Brian Posehn on that one interview, no one would have any problem with candy corn. It's the best candy.

The way that the waxiness gets stuck in your teeth and it kind of disintegrates, that shit is so fucking good. It makes me go fucking cuckoo bananas. Bananas!

What the fuck are you talking about? Candy corn.

It's the greatest candy ever made. I'm gonna stop thinking about candy. Can you just please hold steady? I'm gonna get down. I'm gonna pee. Why do you laugh when I said banana, Bitsy? Because bananas are funny. Do I make you laugh? Am I funny to you, Bitsy? Sometimes. What kind of funny? Am I hot funny? Am I a clown? You know what tastes a lot better than a banana? What's that?

Candy corn. You really like candy corn. Anybody got any candy corn on them? I don't have any candy corn. Again, why are you growling? You should stop growling. Is there anybody else here up in the sky?

There's a beautiful, pearly full moon. Oh no! Oh, guys. Oh, this is it. What? What is it, Gideon? Oh, we're all dead. And by we're all dead, I mean you're all dead. Because it's happening. Oh god, what?

We're all gonna be dead if we don't get some fucking candy corn right now! No, candy corn can't help you. I'm telling you. Oh my god. You're doing it. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean to do that at all. Candy corn can't help you, Jen. It can't? No, it can't help you. Let me down, let me down, let me down. Strap me to the tree. That's your best chance. Strap me to the tree, somebody!

I grab onto one end of it and I start to run around you, around your legs. I'm going to try to wrap around you like an AT-AT from fucking Empire Strikes Back.

I got him! I think I got him! Check him! Make it longer! Make it longer! Oh, I've never touched you guys before, but-- Why does everyone always have to be longer? It's a very average, acceptable length! I'm turning into my most feral self. Let me get down! I'm gonna basically all sit tree and all fall off.

I've got 50 feet of hip and rope right here. Hold on! I start running around you faster and faster and faster, trying to completely attach you to the tree. I think I got it.

"You alright, Katie?" "That's good, no I'm not alright and soon you won't be either. Cause I've torn your limb from them." "Why? I tied you to a tree, you can't escape at all!" "Oh, that's insulting. You think you have it for one second and I can't escape from this?" "Oh yeah." "Why didn't your voice change?" "Aye, cause I'm changing! Oh, crummy, I made Brexit." "What are you doing? Who the fuck's this crummy guy? Why does everybody keep calling me crummy?"

Does anyone have any pep to be small? There is no stopping me now. The change will come. What's happening? The change will come. I'm turning! I'm turning into a... To what? A werewolf. Oh no, Jack, I think we're gonna have to kill him. Oh, you can try. You can try, but it's all too far gone now. Oh, Bitsy.

I don't have the heart to do it. You don't have the heart to kill? Well, I'll do it if I have to! No, don't kill him! Are you fucking serious? Yes, I'm fucking serious! I've never been so serious, Brexit. Oh, but you don't look like a werewolf. Well... You just wait! Once I bask within the moon's full glow! It's not really the right tool for the job, but... I pull off my hat.

I get this little dude, I'll pull this silver revolver. It's all I have! Like a giant cartoon! Well that'll do it! I don't have the heart!

I was getting ready to say that. The joke's on you that wouldn't do it, but that sure looks like it would do it. Maybe just put that down for a second. Maybe just put that down, I don't think. Oh, I'm already tied to the chain! I'm tied to the rope, and it combines. That blows your eyes. You've been cursed with lycanthropy. Oh, has it happened? Oh, it's happening. Oh, dear me.

Alright! This is for you! Hold up! What are you doing? Just don't miss! Just don't miss because if you do, you'll clearly sever the rope and I'll break free and I'll kill you in an instant. Do you think I'll go miss? Just say it. Just do. Oh yeah! Well you did! Short shooting point blank. Okay.

Okay. Right in the chest. Okay. I walk up and I'll just put it against your stomach real fast. Oh, a gut shot? Yeah. You're cruel! Well, where is it? You'll bleed out for an hour! That's the worst way to die, Vince. If I can reach, I can only go down from here. Shoot me in the gut, shoot me in the gut. I think we only have one choice. It'll sever his artery. Yeah? And it'll be extremely painful for Gideon. Yeah?

but it'll die a lot faster than a gut shot. Okay. Take the shot, Pete. Oh! Hold on, hold on. Wait a minute. Where are the kidneys? I think I ate too much sugar. You think I know where the kidneys are? I don't know. Aren't you a masseuse or something? I might be mixing up my cannons. You're a masseuse? I've got magical healing powers. No, it's me, the mouse-oose. Oh, a mousy owl. Me, she's a mouse-oose.

Well, Gideon, it's been nice knowing you. I'll try to talk some sense into him. By the way, Gideon, do you have any candy corn? No, I don't have any candy corn! Oh, do it, Benzie! I mean, no, I don't have any candy corn. You haven't changed yet. It's coming! It's unsalvable. And once it happens...

I'll rip you in from within. I won't want to! Okay. But I will enjoy it. I don't think we have any choice, you guys. All of a sudden, a giant cartoon clock on my wrist. It'll just tick. And suddenly, five o'clock shadow will appear on my face. It's like one of those 90s alarm clocks. Yep, yep, yep, exactly. With the legs coming off the bottom. Biffy, what are you waiting for? Take the shot.

You find this very funny.

Where are you-- I assume a little flag comes out. Yeah, a little flag comes out. A sour bullet just hits you in the heart. Good night, everybody.

The tension is palpable as this happens and as the bang sounds, it echoes throughout the forest. You once again hear the sounds of wings as birds alight into the air and escape from this place. You close your eyes and you're still laughing comically at this situation and as you open them, you see Gideon slumped forward, eyes closed, but the gun

Out of the barrel is nothing more than a straw and a flag that says "Bang." Gideon, are you... I think you're still alive, Gideon! I knew you didn't have the stomach. No, I saw the... toy gun! You coward! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho

Finally! I give him a bunch of candy. No! Please! Oh, I'm going in a diabetic shot. Someone get me CPR. Hurry! Okay, what the hell? Do it again! I'm like... Oh no! I'm an empathetic mutant. I'll make it work! No!

Don't do this in front of me, I can't look away. - What are you giving me, a lot, Vincy? Please, please, no! - You're like cracking all my ribs. Chunks of-- - I'm using my hands of mercy! - This goes on for about five minutes.

And as you are all laying here, completely spent, empty, exhausted, nauseous, you begin to feel your equilibrium return. You feel your control of your emotions come back. You realize you're not a werewolf. Where did that even come from?

You haven't eaten candy all day. That's half the problem of this journey is you haven't had anything to eat. The only thing to consume has been all of the whiskey sours that Chuckles has been hoarding for himself. Chuckles, your mouth is filled with candy corn. Where Bitsy got it? You haven't had anything. You don't know, but your mouth is chalky and dry and filled with the remnants of your spit or your vomit. It's awful. Bitsy, you still think everything's hilarious.

"Bitzy!" "Yeah?" "Do you give me a bunch of handfuls of Babybel cheese wax fries?" "Yeah." "I-" "Yeah." "It's clumps of red wax." "Yeah!" "It's all paper." "Yeah, it's clumps of red wax." "I love this little guy." "The cow's so cute on the packaging." "Aww."

You see me laugh, Big C? All me insulin levels, I think they're okay. Everything is slightly less funny. Somebody cut me down from here. What the hell's going on? Okay, just one minute. All of the ropes just immediately untwine and-- Oh yeah, hold on one sec. I'll press on my flower and like a fucking tape measure.

It'll just rip back into my pocket. Well, I'm glad we haven't lost our head.

- Gideon, are you okay? Are you still cursed with lycanthropy? Gonna turn into a werewolf all scary? - No, but you shot me in my femoral artery. - I didn't shoot you. - I was gone and it went bang. - I attempted to shoot you and it turned out it was a toy gun 'cause Chuckles is a clown. - You feel a spot on your thigh where you imagine that there might be a small bruise tomorrow, but nothing more. - Just a little stick came out. - I'm gonna bruise from that, Bitsy, okay? How's that supposed to make me feel? - You bruise easy.

That's just a Kofu, you see, I mean... Keep getting the line!

Sorry, I'm a little upset! Hey, golly! I thought we were just riffing on each other like friends and you had to say something like that! It's just a little bruise, I'm sorry! Oh, Lee! I'm sorry! And what the hell? I get lycanthropy one time and you put a silver gun bullet to my heart and you don't even blink! I would expect the same of you, idiot! Oh, well, now you can, okay? Now you can! If I ever get lycanthropy, you can shoot me too! Yeah, straight in the heart! And I won't miss! Well...

Fine, I'll just take my gun back. He blows a tree in half! He blows a tree in half! Oh, wrong bullet! Oh, okay. I spun that around! Yeah, I mean, you know. You play some fucked up games, dude! It's the only way I know how to feel alive, 15. You want one of these cheeses? They'll make you feel alive.

You can pull a little string around him and everything. Now that I have a taste for the wax, get the cheats out of here. Or take the wax. Okay. Now we're out of bullets. I can't kill anything to eat. Fuck. We just need to keep going. I mean, it was one path, and we already came for that way. We just got to keep going forward. You imagine you're probably going to need to veer off into the forest. No, never mind. You speak as you fucking need to. It's a good website.

I'm not saying, alright? Why would you say that? You're walking on a path! I didn't say anything! I'm basically leaving the path and going to the fucking woods! We're going to the woods, alright? We're going to the woods! Bitsy, you better get the fuck into the woods right now. That's fine! Do it! Pull out my actual gun. I'll lead the way then! I don't even care! Lead us north!

What are you eating? Babybel jeans. It's now canonical that Fitzy loves Babybel jeans. We follow Fitzy into the dark. My teeth are all stained in red. Can you roll a group perception check for me, please? A group perception check? Yeah, I'm going to use that as an investigation. Ooh. Oh.

- 14. - 23? 21. - I got a 24 for some reason. - We were quite perceptive. - If only that were enough. - Shit. - No, you travel through the woods for about an hour. This is, you feel, just don't swallow down the wrong tube. This is, you feel your last chance at finding

some place to sleep. Traveling the road, you have no guarantees you'll get to any kind of town or hamlet or anything. The road does not provide you cover from the things that lurk in the woods. And so the cover of Treeline is the best that you can manage and you hope that maybe somewhere out here you will find something. And it takes about

It takes about an hour traveling through the woods. You're still staying close to the road, just parallel to it inside of the tree line as you look for any signs of, any signs of habitation. And eventually you find what appears to be the ruins of some sort of fence enclosing who knows what at one point, but it's now overgrown by,

by plant life. A tree has grown up through part of it and the remnants of the wooden fence are still embedded in the tree where it kind of grew around it becoming one with this thing and you see that a huge part of the fence itself has been broken off and maybe scavenged by other life in this place but there clearly was some sort of settlement here.

And with that, you look further and you see that just beneath the top layers of soil there at one point was clearly a path that went deeper into the woods. And you imagine that following that, you might be able to find something. - This fence has been destroyed by something. Do you think anything was trying to get in or something was trying to get out? - Are we in or are we out? - Maybe with Gideon while we were all sleeping. - What?

Yeah, what? What? What if you turn into a werewolf in brother's head? Did you turn into a werewolf and break this fence? We haven't been sleeping in like 20 hours. You're gonna have to repair this fence right away. We've been 20 minutes ago. Were we? We had 20 whiskey sours in 20 minutes. You are at the end of your day. You've been traveling all day long. It is nightfall.

Now I had a weird dream where candy corn with good. Sounds more like a nightmare. Put that gun away. No. If you're going to hold it, at least show proper finger control. It's called trigger control. Thank you. Trigger safety. They're for cowards and looters.

And definitely don't look into the barrel to check if it's loaded. I'm dabbed you, dog. Your nose spins around. My nose and my mouth. It'll turn around. It looks like it is loaded. I did not endorse this message. Oh my god. We gotta keep going, Chuckles. You're losing your mind. Okay.

I think this is it, guys. If we don't go through here, I think we're just done. I think we're fucking dead. This is the last chance we have. Maybe the fence is the sign of additional structures to come. Some kind of civilization. Someone built it. Come on, let's go. Okay.

Be careful and quiet! We start to make our way down the path that it would be obvious for our characters, but perhaps not the players, because we're all idiots. Mm-hmm. Perfect. We make the right choice. You do? As characters and players. That's what we do. Okay, awesome. You all have your trick or treat pumpkin, yes? What? Oh. Oh yeah.

What? I'm just making sure. I thought this was just randomly on the table. I mean, it really has no purpose. I just wanted to give you trick or treat pumpkins and I'm gonna have you do something with it, but it's... TBD. Not that important. Oh. My. God. Look at this pumpkin. You find the path and you attempt to follow it and as you do, you notice that the fence does extend along. It looks like some sort of enclosure that was surrounding a large swath of land.

And eventually you get to a point where the tree line thins out and you see sitting in the middle of this opening a small rundown cottage. It's completely dark, thatched roof, cobbled stone outside. The structure is part of it is torn down in one area, but it looks mostly whole. You imagine this is potentially a place you could sleep.

as you feel the temperature begin to drop almost uncannily. As darkness has fully descended on this place, it gets very, very cold. You know, to get through this night, you'll at least need a fire, but looking at this place, it looks like there's a chimney. Trees all over. There's a possibility of finding wood. This could solve that issue for you and give you the night's rest that you need.

It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but I think we can make it work. Hold on! If I know anything about anything, a witch lives in there. Why? Or a hag. Why? Or a sorceress. Why? You've never made dark pacts with wielders of black magic before? My whole existence as a pact with a wielder of dark magic. If that was true, you wouldn't be asking why. You merely adopted.

The darkness. I was born in it. Molded by it. It's kind of poetically true, isn't it? From a certain point of view. Let's at least case the joint before we step inside. Are there any lights inside or smoke from the chimney? It's completely dark. It could be someone like me living in there. It's like a nice little cottage. And look, I love cottagecore. You're right, Bitsy. We should stop being so cynical and dark. Not everything is a trap, Briggsie. We all need to learn to be more trusting.

And if there's anything evil in there, we've got two guns! It's true! Yeah, that is true! Who needs courage when you have a gun? Hello! I have a gun!

We walk up to the door and-- So you're not casing the door? No. I walk up to the loaded shot revolver at the ready. I'll try the door, and I will knock as I try it, but I'm also trying the handle. The door is not locked. It creaks open easily on its hinges.

and you are able to see that this place has clearly not been inhabited for a long time. It's covered in layers of dust. The cabinets are, the dust on them is at least an inch thick, and as you look around, you see that there are bits of the previous owners'

uh possessions lying all about this place the the bed in the corner is completely molded and ratty it was a straw stuffed mattress it's um

fallen through the termite-eaten wooden frame and most of the straw is just laying there clumped on the floor, partially damp, covered in mold. You see bits of fungus sprouting up from within it. The fireplace that you were hoping to light a fire in is partially collapsed and you now see that probably the back part of the chimney had

worn down and fallen away and all the rubble had fallen into the fireplace and spilled out over the floor. This place is not much of a place that you imagine that you could stay. It's cold now and one of the windows is busted out, the air is whipping in here and it's chilling you to the bone. There's nowhere to sleep, there's nowhere to make a fire. We're in the middle of these lost woods and then you notice it.

on the shelf in the living area, a small diorama of a beautiful mansion of sorts, a manor house. And inside of one of the windows is the soft flickering light of flame. It's tiny. It's--Bitsy could hold it in her hand. Something that someone would have taken hundreds of hours to make.

A lot of love had to have been put into something like that. And even though the rest of this place is completely covered in dust, this small diorama of this house is completely dust free. It looks brand new as if it was just made yesterday. It's a little tiny scene and it looks so perfect and clean. Where the fuck did that come from? You think that's witches? I mean, it certainly looks like witches.

- What a little tiny house, man. - This place is a fucking dump and there's like flickering lights inside a creepy little perfectly intact house. - Everyone's getting into tiny homes these days, break feet. - That tiny? - I mean, why stop there? - Well, we can't stay here. It's really fucking gross. - I don't know, this bed looks like it's perfect. Ew, ew, ew.

Just mouse stuff. Oh, but-- I don't think that's mouse stuff. Well, I mean, I guess it could be kind of nice. It'll walk over and it'll just stand in the corner. This corner's pretty nice. Ew! It will get hurt by an Unseen Witch. Can we see any movement in the little tiny manor house? Are you moving towards it?

You are still at the entrance to this place. Except for Choc'gol's. For the sake of theater of the mind, it's about the same size as the death house that I made. That's pretty cool. Could I reach it from my height? I would say it's up a little too high for that. Hey, Gideon, will you go grab that and let me see it a little closer? Yeah, I guess. I'm just going to pick up the witch house.

Nothing bad's going to happen. Here it is. Good luck. New funeral. To me, I want to see it. You pick up the house and you immediately feel a vibration in your hands. But there's almost a warmth to this. It feels soothing and inviting.

You, for a second, feel like you smell pastries freshly baked. Is that mama's warm biscuits? Ooh! Your mama does have the best warm biscuits. Hey, you shut your mouth, you!

You shut your dumb mouth, you old drug. You shut your dumb mouth, you old drug. You stupid old drug. You're so stinky. What should I do? Hey, you're not very good looking either, all right? Yeah, you're awfully ugly. Despise your gigantic penis.

- I take the house, I smash it over his head. - Oh no! - I don't do that, I don't do that. - Are you sure? - Well, I'll just punch him. - You take the house and you go to smash it over his head. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. At disadvantage. - At what? - Disadvantage.

Ten. You, as you're going to slam this down, you have this strange feeling. You don't want to hurt this. It would be better not to do that. And you rear up your fist and you punch into him instead. Well, it's a shame to waste good witchcraft. I was punching. Damn! Oh, kidney! You see, that's where the kidney is. How much damage do you deal to me?

Roll it. Yeah, well I mean you should roll to hit because you might, you could miss. Oh, that's true. Or you could hit real soft, you know. Or real hard. That hits. 20. 20 points of damage? No, no, no, no, no, no. Just 20 to hit. Oh, and I do need all of your hit, like how much HP each of you have? Oh. 10 points of damage. I have 51 of the health points. 70. I need to pull up D&D Beyond. 48. Sorry.

What the fuck? What is that? Oh, William Trout! Oh, God! They got that here too?

God, where is he? I have very little health. I have 51 hit points, holy shit. Okay, cool. That's not too bad. Thank you. So yeah, you do the-- I just need a copy so I don't-- Hit points to him, doing a significant amount of damage, considering, well, I mean, I don't remember, how much did you say you did? 10 points. Oh yeah, that's a lot. That sucks for you. That's a quarter of my hit points. Like a fifth. Well, I don't teach you bad here talking about people's mamas, all right?

You say the word "mama" and you feel almost immediately this sense of nostalgia and you look towards the house for a second as you smell very clearly the smell of mama's cooking. Oh, this house really takes me back. Me too. Shut the fuck up, you greasy clown! And everyone wondered why Gideon became a clown killer. This is why!

Well, I don't think this has anything to do with witches. It smells too good. You really smelling that diorama up? Let me smell. No!

Come on! You don't want to smell it? She asked for it first, I mean. No, I don't think you do. She couldn't reach it, you know? And reachers keepers. That's true. Everybody knows reachers keepers be sick. Everybody knows. Sucks to suck, but yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's the number one rule of cool. Yeah, don't you know that? Reachers keepers be sick.

You kick me like, four or five or six more times and I'm gonna get really upset!

Come on. No, no. It's Richard's Keeper, all right? You can't say it. Despite the rule of the Richard Keeper, the rules are meant to be broken. Let Bithy

look at it she is a mouse perhaps she understands the house it's the rule of the rhyme well i find that very convincing so fun as you go to hand it over you hear uh very clearly you look like you need a place to stay young man what are you hungry who's that look around who's over right now i didn't even place to stay

Your mother would be very upset with me if I didn't take care of you. From one mother to another, come in. Let me feed you. Let me give you a place to rest. Can I hear this? How close are you?

I would have been right within reach. I would say very softly, it's hard for you to make out all of the words, but you definitely hear that there were, and I would say from your vantage point, you can tell that they're coming from inside of the little house. There's a tiny voice as quiet as a mouse talking to Gideon. From inside the house. I do like when older women take care of me.

Oh, what? Me too! Gideon, let's go! I told you there was witch stuff going on! Okay. Come on, Gideon, what are we waiting for? I don't know, I thought I was getting slooped by the house. I think you have to say yes or something. Oh, well-- Are you just holding, are you looking at it, or are you doing anything with it? Oh, to be or not to be.

- Yeah. - You see-- - That is my question. - You see the lights on the inside, the one light flicker, and then as you're watching this, you immediately, you see as the entire house illuminates. Every light in every room comes on, soft flickering candlelight, and though you can't see a figure,

You see a shadow move very quickly across the room that would be the kitchen inside of this house, and the smell of food wafts out over you. The smell of baked, yeah, baked meats. And you see the, all of you then see as puffs of smoke begin to billow out of the chimney of the house. And you hear the voice again.

You should come in. Let me take care of you. Just knock three times on the door and I'll let you in. That's pretty easy. Just knock three times, huh? On which door? Oh, I don't know. There's a door right here on the house. You know, just tell me to knock three times. So if I knock here, I get to go eat good cooking. Just don't hurt the diorama. It looks delicate. Are you really listening to a hag voice? What do you mean? To fucking do stuff? Smell it! Oh, oh.

I can't really smell nothing. You can. You haven't smelled anything in the longest time, and though Gideon's telling you that he's smelling smoked meats and things that are biscuits, things that are reminiscent of his home, you smell spice. You smell things that are reminiscent of the sea.

What? And you're time on a ship! What? I know, that's what you're getting at. You know what, that's all you get, okay? It's salty and fishy. It's like home. Yeah? Does that mean it's okay, Brickby? It's okay to go in? We gotta go in! Yeah! We gotta go in, I'm convinced! Okay, okay.

The lights on the house increase in intensity for a split second and all of you feel yourselves lose consciousness. It's happening! And when you wake up-- Not again! You actually just passed out for the sour. You feel yourselves lose consciousness and your bodies hit the floor of this cottage.

And when you wake up, you see that you're in a parlor as your eyes come to. There's a hearth directly in front of you. In the very middle of the room, there is an ornate wooden flower table that has a large crystalline vase and it is brimming with beautiful flowers of varying colors.

There are tufted chairs and benches that line the walls. This is very clearly an entertaining room of some sorts. But as you look all around, you see that there are no windows and no doors.

The only thing in front of you is the fireplace that appears to be, or that is completely empty. It looks like it could work, but there's no wood in it. There's no fire illuminating it. And the only other thing that you notice is instead of a mantelpiece or a portrait or anything that you would normally see adorning a fireplace, there is the, there is a

stone gargoyle that protrudes from the top with two, for its eyes, two beautiful shimmering rubies that reflect the flickering candlelight of the sconces that line the room. The gargoyle is reaching out with both of its claws a look of a mischievous grin on its face. The smells though, they're all still there. It's somewhere else deeper in this place if there were doors to find.

You could find a kitchen where there would be fresh biscuits and butter, fluffy potatoes, fresh grilled fish, steamed vegetables, and feather mattresses on sturdy beds, fresh hot baths, clean clothes.

And a wine cellar fit for a king. Oh! Fellas. Yeah? This is heaven. I never want to lose. Why are you acting all weird? I smell wine. And I lift like Scooby-Doo in the air. And I float towards whatever the direction I feel wine might be.

There's no way to tell you're in a room with no entrances or access. I'm smelling biscuits, man, honey. Eiffels float around in the room. But there's not in here, just this fireplace. I see the rubies and my eyes extend and all Scooby-Doo float up to the ruby eyes. I will try to pull them out of the eye sockets of the gargoyle. Nice. You're trying to attempt to remove the rubies?

Oh, these are nice. Roll, I guess, a strength. Oh, I thought they might just be sitting in that. I'm like three. You reach up and you try and wedge your thumb behind one of the eyes, and very quickly you feel the stone move beneath your hand, and the head begins to shake.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing "trying to take my balls out?" And you watch as the gargoyle flexes her wings and stretches out her arms, flexes her fingers, as she pushes against the stone of the fireplace and completely removes herself as she hops down. She is smaller than Bitsy. She's maybe a foot and a half tall. As she starts to prance around and stretch out her limbs,

Oh, God.

I've been in there forever. Well, hi! Hi! My name's Bitsy, what's your name? Oh, my name's Ruby on account of my ruby eyes. That makes sense. Oh. Are they actually rubies, or are they sort of like flesh that looks like rubies? Oh yeah, tried and true, best rubies you could ever find. Look at the way they sparkle in the light, aren't they pretty? They're very lovely. If I take a look. I would love it if you'd take a look. I'll take one of those little jewelers, like little mini spyglass, whatever the fuck those are called. Oh my.

These are worth at least 25,000 rubies. Don't be weird about it. Honestly, they're probably worth more than that. Do you need them for sin, or they're just like-- Oh yeah, that's how I see everything is through these rubies. Where are we, and how do we get to the wine that I can smell through my clown nose? Where we are is a really difficult question, but we're inside of the house. We're inside of Mother's house. Oh. Yeah.

Getting to the wine is going to be more difficult though because that wizard locked mother away a long time ago and to get her out you're going to have to make the key and no one's been able to do it yet so

I guess you'll just be here until we add your bones to the rest of the pile, you know? Whoa! Well, shit. Whoa! Whoa, there ain't no human bones around here. What are you talking about? All those mashed up human bones inside the fireplace? Well, this place is a bit of a fixer-upper, but it's got good bones. Yeah, that's the truth. It's always so sad when they wither away, but at least they keep me company for a while. Well, all

All of those skeletons were a bunch of little weaklings. We are gonna figure this out and save your mother and enjoy her home cooking, if you know what I mean. - She'll take care of you really well if you could get her out. - You said we have to make a key? - Oh yeah, there's a mold over there on the table next to the vase

And I have a cauldron so that you can melt down all the ingredients. But no one's been able to collect the ingredients to do the process and make the key. I'll pick up the mold. This one? You pick up a mold and it's very clearly for a skeleton key. Is that because none of the ingredients are in this room and we can't get out of it?

Yeah, I can help you get to the places you need to go to get the ingredients, and then I can help unlock the door to Mother, but are you really sure you want to take this task? You could just spend time with me until you starve to death. Well, yeah, I think the alternative to starving to death sounds better than starving to death. It has nothing to do with you, though. Yeah, that's what they all say. Well, I mean, you can't really blame them. It's not like totally a you thing, and...

the them thing is not wanting to stop the death you shouldn't take it personal i don't okay good did you say a wizard was involved oh yeah there was this really dapper looking wizard he found this place and he locked mother away he said she was no good but that's not true because mother takes care of everybody this house used to be like a big regular size house i don't think so but i don't know i don't remember a time before mother was locked away

Can we look out, are there no windows? Well, how do we start getting to some of these ingredients? You say you can take us somewhere? Well, I'm not gonna take you anywhere. What I can do is I can unlock the doors inside of the fireplace.

I'm a gargoyle you see I've got some really cool stone abilities and I can go ahead and shape it and allow you guys to move to different rooms in the house once you finish there I can bring you back here and hopefully you collected what you needed or you get stuck in that room and you could die there too

Oh. Well, you seem like a really good friend to have in a strange house like this one. Yeah, but I can't do much because I can't leave here. Oh. And my wing is broken. And she turns around and you see that one of her wings has been completely severed. So even if I could get out, I couldn't fly away or anything. I'm stuck here. How'd that happen?

I don't want to talk about it. Oh, that's very sad. We'll avenge your wing and we're gonna go and finally rescue Mother and let her out of here and nothing bad's gonna happen ever again here.

That would be really awesome. Because Mother tells me all kinds of really nice stuff every day, all day, about the things she's going to do if I help someone to get her out. And so I think that that would be a great idea. Wait, like what kind of stuff did she say? Like kill all humans? No, of course not. She said that she would... I've kind of been lonely.

lonely a lot, you know. I've been stuck in here and I don't remember where I was beforehand and so she was telling me that she could help me make some friends with all of the children and

and that I would never be alone again, and she would make me dinner, and I would have my own room, and she said she might even be able to fix my wing for me. - Oh, that's not so bad. - That sounds really nice. - Yeah, I was just thinking I had this friend, Little Green, once, who freed this cook, and we thought that was a good thing, and then she went on to kill the entirety of the town we were trying to save, so it really took a turn on us in the end,

It's not gonna monkey Paul We're in a tiny house in a creepy cottage in the middle of a spooky wood talking to a gargoyle What's the worst that can happen? You could starve to death and I could add your body to the bone pile in the fireplace I guess he's making the bone pile sound pretty good

Do you happen to know where this house is, like what street it's on or what state it's in or which tri-county area it's a part of? What zip code it's in. What the fuck is a tri-county? I know the house has 13 bedrooms or 13 rooms in total. I know that there's an expansive garden and there's a beautiful orchard. Oh. We love apples.

Are they apples in the orchard? I don't know, I've never been there. Can we have a quick sidebar? Oh sure, can I listen in? No. Oh, okay. And she walks over and she turns herself. You hear the creaking of the stone as she sits in the corner between the fireplace and the wall. And she begins to hum to herself loud enough that she can't hear anything that you're saying. What is it, princess?

I don't know about you, but this sounds like a fucking crazy witch hag stuff! What are you talking about? Some kind of mother? Yeah? That can make me smell stuff? Yeah? And can shrink us into a tiny little house? Yeah? This sounds like black magic. It sounds like a really awesome situation, better than those spooky fucking woods. Do you think we're still in the cabin? Just in this little house? Who knows? I think we're on 13 Dead End Drive.

we're still in drive oh it's right next to elm street yeah what part of the county is that in uh it's a west side release side it's the dark side all right i have a plan to get out of here all right okay just follow my lead well hold on let's move it on the crew we vote what else are we voting on what's the what are the sides of the vote oh

Okay. God, this guy. All right, just follow my lead. What are you thinking, Bree? I mean, is the plan not just get this key? What if it's not part of the plan?

What if, like, oh, for her to suck out our souls, we need to make a key? We'd be playing right into her hands. Well, what's the other? Sounds like the only other option is to become a bone pile. No, plan A. Maybe the condition is to starve to death and then we'll wake up in our bodies inside that old creepy house. That could be plan B. What? Why would we make that plan like F? There's apples right on the other side. There's apples and wine on the other side. If you eat anything, you'll be playing

You're telling me-- That's a fair point. -- that there is a mother who's going to-- we're going to go right into her hand and she's going to suck up all the hell? Yeah, the sickle fell's really fucking nice, guys! It's the ritual. If we make the key, then she gets what she wants. Oh, the only solution is for us to heroically die from starvation. I've wanted to eat an apple and taste it for as long as I can remember.

But I don't want to go through leaps and bounds and risk our lives all for a taste of apple pie just to be tricked! I don't think it's a trick. Cargo seems pretty cool. She's got rubies for eyes. I've never had rubies for eyes. I've only had lame old clown eyes. Dry eyes. I used to know her. I got her. I used to know her, fella. Nice. But I don't need a sausage.

Sounded a lot like you when you turned into werewolf, weirdly. Yeah. He got one whiff of apple pie, risked his life to save a girl, and he didn't make it. All for the pie. Apple pie do great shit to a man. That's right. That's all I'm going to say. That's right. But it smells really good. We got to go. I know it does, and that's what scares me. Okay. Okay, we're going to try plan A, and then we'll go to plan B. With plan A. Hey!

and I'm gonna run to the end and start banging on this door. Help, let me shout a little, hands on the jail, please, get this out, help! And I'm just shouting. - You see someone walking along the path? - Please, please! - You pound on the walls for a while, and eventually the space is filled with a loud voice. - Come down, my little ones. Mother's here and will take care of you.

If no need to fear, I want to give you everything that you want and need. Your taste back. Your life back. Those loved that you've lost. Anything your heart desires, mother can help you with. You just have to help mother first. I'm baking for my new babies. I'll make sure your bellies are filled when all of this is through. All right, plan A didn't work.

What's plan B? That was plan A! That was plan A! Yeah, that was plan A! I can't believe that I'm gonna-- Wait! You'll give us anything we want? Anything we want. Guys, anything we want. Anything we want, Brig-C? I'm all out of Babybel cheese. All I got is that wiry, thin, net bag that they come in. Oh, you know what's really fun to kind of stick your finger and break 'em? Hmm?

Oh, that's fun, isn't it? Oh yeah. Oh, isn't that pretty fun? Yeah. Oh, it's all gone. Now we truly have nothing. Well, if we help this mother out, she might be able to get you another empty bag of Babybel cheese. What are we waiting for? Let's fucking go.

I don't have any better idea, let's go. Okay, Ruby, we're ready to escape this room. I'm here with my three best friends. We're all odds from Dollar Eats back at Applebee's at the bachelor party. We're ready to go. Are you our quiz master?

I don't know what any of that means. What means we're ready to go through the fireplace? Okay, well, so here's the thing, all right? You're going to have to get four different ingredients if you want to make the key. So we've got to melt down some things inside of the cauldron, light the fire, and that's fine. I can handle getting the wood. I can handle getting the fire going once we get back with all the ingredients, right? And I'm going to come with you because I'm bored and lonely. So...

We just have to figure out where you want to go first. I guess there are four directions we could go unless we, one of them's like up or down, which would be weird. Well, I think we should figure out which one of the ingredients you want to get first. So first-- Whatever is in the wine cellar. Oh, there are none ingredients in wine cellar. Fuck! What are the four ingredients?

I'm so glad you asked, Bitsy. My pleasure, Bitsy. I like your eyeballs. Oh, thanks so much. Me too. I like your nose and the way it twitches every time you're thinking, which isn't very often. It's never twitched once. It's sniffing. Yeah, sniffing. All right, well, the first thing that you're going to need is the femur bone of a lost love.

The next thing you're going to need is the ectoplasm of a ghost. Ectoplasm, that's going to be fun. The next thing that you're going to need is Devil's Iron. What is Devil's Iron? And then the final thing you're going to need is a vial of hangman's fat. Oh, that also sounds pirate as fuck. That sounds pretty heavy metal.

Fat sold by a hangman, or is it the fat from a hangman? I'm sorry, what? Oh, hangman's fat. Is that fat that's, like, owned and then given away or sold from a hangman, or is it, like...

Was once of the hang-- I'm trying real hard. Was once of the hangman. What he's trying-- what she means to say is when you-- when there's of the hang-- when you-- there's of the hang-- the fat of the-- Yeah! Is it one of those two options? Yeah, it is. Those are two options. Yeah, it is. Okay.

Thank you. You're welcome. Let's do the hangman's pet. Yeah, let's do the hangman's pet. That sounds really easy. That sounds awesome. All right, if you're sure. Actually, you think I'm going to go ahead and stay here while you deal with these ones? That way I can get the cauldron going and the fire brewing. Okay. Because it's going to take a lot of heat if you're going to melt down Devil's Iron. Speaking of which, no one's ever brought that one back, so good luck. Ooh, that's a hard one. Should we do the hard one first?

We're a little pot committed now, Biffy. Yeah, I think we kind of said it out loud. I thought we'd just do that one. What about, hear me out, what about Ectoplasm of a Ghost? No, we're pot committed. She's got the cauldron duty. Yeah, we're pot committed. All right, to hangman's fat we go. All right, I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to transform the fireplace for a moment just into the door you need to take.

What you're gonna do to get through is you're gonna knock on it and you're gonna say "Trick or treat." Then the door will open, you'll go on through, and I guess I'll see you later if you succeed. If not, it was really great to meet you. It was nice to meet you. I hope we don't die or something. You probably will. It's what I'm used to now. Hey, if we get out of here but we don't see you again, should we destroy the house and maybe you escape that way? No. Should we leave the house alone? Yeah, it's where I live. Could we steal your eyeballs?

What? If I die, you can steal my eyeballs, but it's probably not going to happen. No, no, I'm just saying, if you're trapped here, but we could free your eyeballs, I mean, at least your eyeballs would be free. I don't want to be trapped here without my eyeballs. Oh, all right. Oh. Well. I'm not really looking at it.

It's an empty room. Yeah, that's a fair point. What about one of the eyeballs? Well... It's compromised. I guess we should put our cell phone in the little basket. I put all of the baby belt racks into the basket. Take my gun, another gun, a knife, three knives. Okay.

All right, and you watch as she goes over, and with her long stone claws, she begins to scrape through the masonry and begin to mold, almost like clay, this fireplace into a door. And you see that the door looks almost wooden, almost like the kind of door that you would find on a shed. All right, well, here you go. I have got a clue. Say the name.

Trick or treat! Roll a d20 for me, please. Trick or treat. I got a six. Oh, nice! Take one of the things out of the cauldron, please. Oh! Do I have to reveal it to you? Yeah. I gain a dread against the DM.

Whoa! Whoa! You feel, you knock on this door and you immediately feel happiness. You feel delighted as the door doesn't open, but you feel yourself propelled through it and you find yourself standing almost instantly in a beautiful autumnal orchard. Oh!

The rest of you also need to do the same. Can I just say, I've been so immersed in here now. I gain a dread against the DM. I was like, "Oh!" The path is sealed. Wow, that was so cool, Bitsy!

You're welcome, Chuckles. We all have to do the thing. Trick or treat, trick or treat, trick or treat for Halloween. Okay, well I can roll your d20. 11. Okay, I need you to roll a d10 for me, please. I'll roll this under C one, very thematic, a six.

You love candy corn and don't understand why people don't like it. You feel the need to convince people it's a superior candy. You got your fucking candy corn. Open up and get some fucking candy corn for Halloween. Why does everyone hate it? It's not that bad. It's really quite good and delicious. It is a Halloween staple. It's a Samhain staple.

And you too find yourself standing next to Bitsy in an autumnal orchard. Hey Bitsy, what do you think about candy corn you got in here? I like that first time. I don't have any candy corn. Give me some of that wax, all the pretendence of candy corn. No, I put it in the basket. Oh, fuck! Too late to tell Bitsy or Kitty in the go-kidder. Did you get anything when you said trick or treat? Oh, nothing. You didn't get anything?

I got a dread against the DM. What? Wait, you got what? What? What did you get? I got a dread against the DM.

In canon universe, I've never listened to that piece. It's in a cartoon and I was missing it. And when I was missing it, Derek's photorealistic lips come on her mouth. Come on her mouth? A dread against the theater. I got nose on my fingers. Oh!

Oh, drink or treat? Roll a d20. 11. I roll a d10. No. Six. You love candy corn and don't understand why people don't like it. Should I roll? Nah, you feel the need to convince people it's a superior candy.

Biffy, with your color scheme, you're looking a little-- Corny. Like candy corn. What are you trying to say? Oh, you like candy corn, too? Oh, who doesn't? Oh, it's super underrated. Oh, it really is. Why does everybody hate it so much? It's just cool to hate. It's like Nickelback or Imagine Dragons. I feel like people don't appreciate the whole point of it is you put them together and it makes like a little corn on the cob.

What? Oh yeah! Yeah, you can stick them together, if you have a bunch of them, and you can make a little ring, and then you stick the rings together, it's like a little piece of corn. And you can put them together in little teeth, in a goblin's mouth. I've never heard any of this, this is maddening. And then you French kiss the goblin. What the fuck? What the fuck are you talking about?

I'll be something. I feel like I'm going to explore this orchard. You're looking like a-- Hey Gideon, hurry up! These guys are a-talking nasty, and I look like candy corn! You should tell Breezy what you got! We didn't get nothing! Did you get anything when you went through the door? No. What did you get? Nothing, I just got-- A dread against the demon.

Oh, that's harder to do than one more thing. Oh, that sounds really useful. Oh, don't lose that.

You know, Bitsy, your color scheme is exactly colored candy corn. Yeah, that's what I'm saying! You gotta go to Beechfern. You're thin, you're looking like a snack. I'm always looking like a snack. Maybe to a cat, but to a clown, it's the resemblance to candy corn that really does it. Maybe the end stages of the curse are taking hold, developing a taste for

Candy corn. I feel like we should've just stopped it there. If we could find candy corn, why need to start? Well, I guess it's my turn. We're doing this. Yeah! Trick or treat, I guess. Natural 20. Oh! You may take two from the cards that you got. Oh!

You get two? That's three. This is one giant one. Oh, it might be a giant one, yeah. Oh, there's not going to be any left. Oh, there will be. Whoa, gain any feat of your choice. Whoa! Jesus. Well, I choose the mother's feet. Turn any player into a character of your choice for ten minutes. That one's an immediate one, so you do have to make that choice right now. Oh shit!

Anybody want to do something else? Wait, what? I get to turn any one of you into a different character for 10 minutes. From a different campaign, yeah. Forgis Flamesider. It's my literal dream come true! Forgis and Bitsy! Oh my god. Oh my god. Get him! Get him! Yeah!

Oh shit! I suddenly get a foot shorter and two feet wider. I'm just as bald, and I turn into a portly balding dwarf who's rubbing his sausagey fingers together. I was like, "You know, the elites don't want you to know this."

But candy corn is actually quite delicious and it's actually a misinformation campaign. It's a misinformation campaign that no one likes. Fuck! This makes me mad! I'm mad! And I'm not sticking around! I am not allowing it anymore! We are fighting for candy corn! I'm a warrior for candy corn! Ha ha ha ha!

I'm not sticking around for it! I ain't letting it happen to me! The light is gone! What's happening, you chuckles?

All I'm saying is that, where's Gideon? We're gonna fight, we're gonna take this, we're gonna take this orchard, and we are going to bring Candy Corn back to the forefront the way that the Halloween guys intended. Okay. Are you weird? Yeah, I guess. Or are you paid off by the Illuminati? I don't know. No.

You fight the Illuminati, too? Every single moment of every day. That's like me. The Illuminati, they need to go down. They control everything. Okay, you're cool. How about you? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Have you never heard of the Illuminati? No, what's the Illuminati? They control everything. Everything. Do you have any gold pieces on you? I mean, I've always got-- That's how they listen to you.

Why do you think that magical components require gold pieces? It's how all of the wizards, they control everything. It's how they listen to us. It's how they spy on us.

That's the answer. They're the ones who determine the value of material components when you cast them spare. Exactly right. See, she knows. She is wise. We are going to take this and we are going to go all the way to the top and convince everyone that Candy Cori is the best Hallow's Eve candy. Well, now I can get behind, but how did I not know about this my entire life?

It's because you were--you're a sheep while you had blood in the wool over your eyes! We at least convinced you. They controlled the narrative the whole time. Make a persuasion check. Forgus does it at advantage, let's be serious. Yeah, do it at advantage. Pretty good, pretty good. Now, I don't know, Algear.

If this bus lives, it'll be 24. Yeah, it'll be 24. Well, hey, everybody. Who's this guy?

Hey, Chuckles has transformed into a slightly starker shorter Chuckles. But he's smart, he knows everything I know! He does? Have you heard of this about his Illuminati? Yeah, Illuminati. Who's the Illuminati? They're turning us all against the Candy Corn. What? How do you feel about Candy Corn? I don't like Candy Corn, man. Nobody likes Candy Corn. They would psyop against Candy Corn, it's not fair! That's exactly what he wanted. You are a sheeple. You're either going to join this resistance for Candy Corn, or you are an enemy and a traitor.

I ain't no sheep all right. But I don't like candy corn. Well, we have to settle this like man. I tear off my shirt. I tear off my shirt. I grease myself up. I grease myself up. It makes me mad. It makes me mad. There's something I really like about this guy. I can tell what it is. Excuse me, I was eating hugs and whacks during the break. Excuse me. And I just go.

I am so glad I decided to do treats like this. I'm so glad. This guy's so manly, he's all greased up. He can't be contained. Man, there's something intoxicating about him. I just started doing it. Resolve the fist fight. Are we grease wrestling? We're like real men, like a real cold-blooded killer. Like a long line of killers, son.

You sure you want to do this? Well, yeah! All right. Like our ancestors intended. And I just go, I go stocky and squat and I just try to, okay. Athletics check? Yeah. Gods, you are strong. 13. 19. What do you do? Oh!

I'm going to be greased up! Oh God, I'm greased up to the ANGRY! I'm going to go down! Watch me go down! Now just calm down, man! I'm heating up, man!

I won't sit for it! Gideon, how could you? How dare you talk about Canicor like that? He ripped his shirt off and started grease-wrestling! What was I supposed to do? Yeah, but he just popped into existence! I'm gonna try to sucker punch him, man. I'm talking to him! I'm gonna swing the leg! I'm gonna swing the leg and try to... I would say you're at advantage. You're an unseen attacker. Go for it!

Go for the thigh, he bruises easier on the thigh! Hey, okay! I go right for the thigh. Perfect. You go right for the spot the bruise is already forming. I think I smudged myself. That's a lot of greased up grunting. 20 hits. So I will try to hit you in your bruise as I'm on the ground pretending, playing possum.

You don't know how I took master class acting! She was so convincing! I will try to sweep the leg and try to pin you down as I'm covered in grease. And I'm very hairy. I'm a very hairy bearded dwarf man. You crush your body up against my face and it's like, slow-mo. Sweaty and greasy.

Bissy. Are you a covert op? No, I'm not a covert op, man. Are you a lead setter running a misinterpretation campaign against people? Wait a second, I'm watching this real man in action. What is it? Is it some kind of anti-illuminati initiation we have to go through to be on the same team? Oh, this is so greasy. Yeah, probably. So should we grease wrestle? No.

No, and he smells like... How do you feel about Candy Corn Boy? Oh, he smells like you Long E's Banshee Pepper. Oh, that's the good stuff. That's the good shit. You have to wrestle him. I'm already an imprisoned mason. He's probably an imprisoned mason. If you guys want to be

"and basic skills, and you have to join us "in grease wrestling." I wait so long to wrestle him? "Yeah." Oh, I changed my mind. "It's like wrestling a shag carpet "with milkshakers reported on the ground." It's worse, it's worse than that, I promise you. I've got a long line of killers, boy. I had a big cowboy sneak before this.

Now, if you aren't with me, you are my enemy. Fine, fine, I'm with you. How do you know Candy Corn? Fine! It is in this moment that the strange magics that have overcome you disappears and chuckles reappears on top of you, staring in your face, completely shirtless and breezed up. I am pasty, I am full.

I am just folds, there's moles everywhere. You're like Zoidberg without his shell. Yeah, I'm Zoidberg, literally, exactly like, I'm like a jelly. What happened to the cool guy? Why don't you join us in a hug for margaritas?

Get off me, Chuckles! He's easy to toss off. He has no body strength. Do that again! What happened? I'm so confused. How did it go?

I really got to ring my sponsor. Oh my god. I'm about to make that joke. You get to the basket and you see Chuggle's phone and you see the text message from your sponsor. 23 what? Call me.

Was that true, Chuckles, everything you just told me? I don't know who that was, but I really liked him. Yeah, me too. You think we'll see him again? He was very attractive. What the fuck? I blacked out for 20 minutes and suddenly there's some other guy that you guys think is cooler than I am? He turned into an imprisoned mason. He knew it all about the Illuminati. He knew that birds were

He knew about single clowns, he knew everything! He knew the easiest way to communicate was with your fists. And that's what I love the most about him. He was a wolf and he couldn't be contained. Yeah. Bitsy, could you tell me more truths about the world? I could. Please. Well, I think it sounds like a little horseshit. It's kind of sound that cool. Give me that pole insert.

It's fun, okay? Okay? You button it one hole up. Yeah! I'm very flustered and taking it back. Well, we're in this orchard. I think we have to find some sort of hangman and ask him nicely to give us his fat.

You immediately hear behind you, "Are you looking for me? "Are you a hangman?" You turn around and there is a man hanging from the tree. Oh, well. He is dressed in what is very clearly a farmhand's outfit. He has a sickle in one hand, and he seems very happy and jubilant to be hanging from the tree. But he is hanging from the tree. Yeah, okay. Oh no. Oh shit. Are you--

Are you dead, sir? Well, a little bit. What? A little bit. Oh, same. Yeah. Are you able to leave this place, though? Because I ain't. Well, that's because, I imagine, because you're dead and you're hanging from your neck from that tree like that. I know. Worst mistake of my life. That's really sad. What'd you do, fella? Well, I think it's obvious. No, I mean, I know you were hanged, but I mean, like, did you do some kind of crime? You know, where I come from, they hang pirates. Are you the feds?

What? Are you the Feds? Are we Feds? No, I'm not the Feds. Might be yours, Twitch, I think the best. All right, then whose business is it of yours? Gid, are you the Feds? I don't think I'm the Feds, man. I mean, who are even the Feds? Pitsy, I think Gid kind of talks like a Fed, don't you think? Now that I think about it. He does seem very Feds-like. Doesn't he? I don't seem nothing like the Feds. I don't even know them. Uh-huh.

The Fed would say, dude. Yeah, we're in Cambridge and we call it the Fed's dispenser. That's pretty funny. Thank you. Thank you.

You're laughing. What's your name? You're the one who laughs. I'm old Henry Hicks. Henry Hicks? That's my name. Not Carl. But Henry. Why'd they call you that? Henry Hicks? Because that's what my mama named me. Oh, that makes sense. He holds up.

Alright, hey! I do. Buy this rope. Do you want to be swung around a little or do you prefer it all still? I think you could spin me around if you want. No, bitch, you climb up there and cut him down? Please don't. I'm up here for a reason. Don't cut him down. Just trim a little bit of his fat off. We are here for your fat. Do you got any of that? I got a lot of fat. Can I have some? What are you going to give me in return? Can I just have some, though? No. A trick or treat? What? Hold on, is this some kind of trick?

I wrote down hangman's fat. Did she mean hangedman's fat? She might have. I assumed it was the person who was doing the hanging that we'd have to get the fat from. I might have just misheard and missed the D. Hanged man. I think we should cut him down, what do you think? If we cut him down-- I would not be happy about that. Well, I don't think we should cut him down. We have to fight you in a cool zombie boss fight if we cut you down. Ooh! I'm not going to fight you, I'm just going to find another way to get back up here. Oh.

Can you take a little knife and just take a side of hangman? Yeah, we don't have anything to trade. I left everything I have in a basket back there. The only thing I have is a... Dread for the DM. Well, I don't need to trade in possessions. Is there anything you can provide me that would give me ample amounts of entertainment as I am here hanging in this orchard

100% of my time, and 99% of my time, I'm alone. I mean, we could just cut you down so you're not hanging in this-- I will just climb back up into the street. All right, okay. Oh, we'll tell you a ghost story. All right, I will actually accept that as payment for my death. Mitzi is very good at ghost stories.

Oh yeah? Yeah. I have. You tell me a good one, I'll let you take that little knife of yours, I'll let you cut into my Hank's haunch, and I'll let you take a little bit of fat. Oh, tell the one about the possum. That one's real scary. I got it! Why don't we tell a collaborative ghost story like we're an improv troupe? Nah.

Improvna! There was a-- A boy who ate fire! Oh, a boy who ate fire. He died! He died, and then there was the goblin. Who's also eating fire. Who ate fire. And he went to the grocery store. Oh, and he went to the-- yeah, he went to the grocery store. Oh, but all he got was oranges. Nothing else on the list. And the oranges were on fire! Oh!

And wouldn't it be chilly with no skin on? No skin on the oranges? The oranges didn't have any skin on them because they burned off because of all the fire. All the flames. So they were rotten because the skin was removed. But they couldn't stop eating. Yeah. And the goblin didn't have any skin either. And then we didn't get scurvy because we ate the oranges. We had plenty of vitamin H. Vitamin C. H for honk.

And then we discovered all of our vitamin H pills, we turned it around with H for hell. Hellfire! Hellfire! And we met the devil, and he said, "I love oranges." But only with the skin on. With the skin on! Right! And all you have is oranges with the skin on. That's all he has! 'Cause they even burn off, you see. Yeah, they even burn off. 'Cause they even burn off, you see.

That was really good. Brilliant! Brilliant, Ritt. This whole time we're wearing black internal mags. There's four stools, but we never touch them. And then the devil was like...

"Oh, how dare you not have skin on your orange." And ever since that day, you can still hear him say that.

In the wind. If you listen real close. Oh, the devil. He's oranges. Oh, he's the devil, actually. Oranges. See, look, he's a devil man. Skin orange. See, he's saying it to this day. You have to have the skin of the orange.

The orange skin. He holds grudges. Oh, I have many grudges against-- He finds it difficult to let things go. I could never. The way you let go of the skin of the orange. He even disloyalized-- He still let you guys lost. --to do shadow work in the journal. Even though his therapist says he needs to figure out a way to let go of his grudges. I didn't agree with that, so I burned my therapist. Oh!

And he won't work on himself! And scene! Not a problem. Well done, Nax. We all look very expectant. Very proud of ourselves. I need you to roll a group performance check for me, please. At triple disadvantage. Let's use this one. I'm going to say I'm setting the DC fairly high. Oh yeah? That's fine. That's fine. We're going to rock it. Performance?

- Six. - 24. - Six. - 15. - 15. - Seven. - Ooh, that's pretty good. - You're very lucky that you were the only low ball. He looks down at you very confused. "I don't think I understand a damn thing you're talking about. But you know what? For a sweet five minutes of my time, I was enraptured by your voices, trying to figure out

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Scurry down the rope. "Excuse me, I'm sorry, just a minute." I'll crawl down his face, hold onto his shirt, make my way down to his side. Thank you. You're welcome. So it's just been a little late. Okay. I just drop down. "It's been nice to meet you. "Fuck this guy, let's get out of here. "Bye!" I'll drop down. "Okay."

We got the fat. We got the fat. Yeah. That was easy. One out of four. Could we maybe grab an apple or two while we're here? You look around and you realize that none of these trees are sprouting fruit, but different candies. Any candy corn? None that you've seen so far. What kind of candy? I mean, candy's way better than fruit. It's probably cursed candy. Oh, is it mounds?

I've got a little bit of a sweet tooth. It's always manged. Bitchy, while you're up there. Oh, okay. I'm going to throw her up into the, I'm going to toss her to Gideon. Throw her up into the tree. I try to grab her. Easy. What kind of candy's up there? What'd you get? I don't know. Oh, it's a dad's root beer. Oh, come on.

I don't wanna pass out and die. I'm actually gonna flicking... I think if I had an appendix it'd be rupturing right now.

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You get candy. You got a handful of candy. I do have beer, but what is it actually? What it actually is, is almost like a bouquet of candy. As you pull it down, you've got Mars bars. You've got some Twix. Or the Legends of Avantris adjacent Twix. Caramel-covered cookie chocolate smothered bars. Yeah.

Non-brand name. These are legally distinct, but they look delicious. Yes, legally distinct, but similar, too. And they're full-sized. Well, which one are you going to eat? You got some lollipops? The left one or the right one? There's a correct choice. Of the twitches? Yeah. You can have the whole thing if you want. Oh, I'll have one of those airheads. It's all flat, and it also evokes the 90s fascination with extreme pain and growth myth. I'll have the Mars bar, whatever the fuck that is. Here's the Mars bar.

That leaves me with... dots. I love dots. Just wax paper and chalky bullshit. I fucking hate this. There's nothing chalky about dots, okay?

I love that. Oh, it's kind of chalky. Oh, I don't really taste anything. Oh, my god. I can kind of sort of taste it. Mine's fucking delicious. Listen, we got to go back in and get this fat off of my body, because it's starting to melt. It's melting in your bra. Oh, you just reached in and grabbed for it. I can feel it reaching my waistline. We got to go real fast. It's basically his chunk. How do we-- does anyone have a container? Do we actually have in-world pumpkin things? Yeah.

Put it in the pumpkin, put it in the pumpkin. What, the fat? The fat, quick. No, I can't, I've got-- A dread against the DM. Oh, use mine, I have nothing. The intention was for you to put your treats in there so that you could pull them out and use them when you needed to. Okay, hold on. I have nothing. Ew.

Oh, it's mixing in with the pumpkin feed. Ugh. Ugh. You asked me to put it in there. I don't know what to do. Yeah, I didn't think about it. As long as it's not leaking. You think that's going to mess with the structural integrity of the key? Oh, there's a little bit of a leak here. Let's get it back to the coffee queen. I'm going to bend a large band-aid with a hair on it.

Okay, I think it's fine. We make our way over to where the doorway was. Is it still there? You see no doorway. Okay. Oh shit. Goodbye, Mr. Hanged Man. Fuck you, Henry! Yeah, Hank. You're gonna regret your choice. His name's Henry Hicks. Yeah, I mean, that's why I'm calling him Hank. Hank? Yeah, Hank's short for Henry. It is? If you didn't mind.

Have I called you, Hank? All you hear is the wind through the trees. Oh, that dude's dead. Let's get the fuck out of here. You're the ghost. Hey, can you let us back in, Ruby? Hey, Ruby! What if we have to go forward through the orchard? Oh, we do. Okay, we have our fat. Hold on. Ruby!

You knock you on a tree? It's just a tree. Did I come out of a-- we came out of a tree? No, you came out of the fireplace. You went through the fireplace. And you found yourself in the middle of an orchard. Just like that movie Mortal Kombat when he fought Scorpion, you remember that?

What the fuck are you talking about, Vincenty? And then Sub-Zero jumped over-- I mean-- Oh, is that the one with Shaggy from Scooby-Doo? No! That's the other one. Oh, is that the one with Negan from The Walking Dead? Oh, maybe. He might be in it. For the sake of gravity, you imagine you just need to find something to knock on and say "trick or treat" to go back. Oh! You-- I'm just giving it to you. Hey! Hey, Trunk, are you a door? Trick or treat! Roll a d20. Oh!

A 14. Okay, pick something out of the cauldron. I always get a tree. Oh, me next, trick or treat! Trick or treat! Trick or treat. What did you get?

Oh, it's my favorite, it's-- A dread against the DM. Did you really? No! You got both of them! Wow. Okay, double dread. Another one? Where's my fucking Mars bar? Give me my Mars bar, I need to mark this off. 19. Can you roll a d10 for me, please? I don't know, I just want a treat.

A nice treat, too. That's what I had before. I'm sick of candy. I'll let you roll again. Oh, thank you. Seven.

You are horribly afraid. Everything makes you anxious and on edge. As both of you... It's amplified. As both of you find yourself once again in the parlor, but this time there is a fire roaring in the fireplace. And you see a large cast iron cauldron that Ruby is dangling precariously over the fire attempting to heat it up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ruby. Nice cauldron. Yeah, oh wait, yeah. I know, it's what you're gonna need. Did you get the goods, Toots? Yeah, sure, oh yeah, hold on, here. Oh, you should let the orchard. Well, if I turn into-- You're not there yet. If I turn into anybody else when I go through this door, he better not be as cool as I am, and you better not think that he's fucking cooler than me, trick or treat. He won't be as cool as you, that's for sure. Yeah, good. I knock.

18. Okay, pull something out of the cauldron. Trick or treat. Trick or treat. 16. I can't feed my trolley. Nice. What did you get? 16. Okay, go ahead and take something out of the cauldron. Poor Brixie. Oh, shit. Make a wish immediately? You were the coolest ones! And now I'm just afraid of everything.

I'm panicking. Oh wow! Takes some time. This is a say immediately now. Oh, I'm back, I'm back! Oh, it's leaking out of my pumpkin. Okay, we got-- oh, it's melting, it's melting. I'm running through the cauldron. Get the fat in there. Do I pour it in here, Ruby? Yeah, that's where it goes. Go ahead and pour it in.

And it immediately starts sizzling and popping as the fat continues to render down. How are you alive? You're made of stone. Yeah, like gargoyle, I told you that already. No, but you're like a living animated gargoyle. Yeah. With dark magics. You wanted to talk, look at your body. Well, I was flesh once. She wasn't. I wasn't. I was always stone. How do you know you weren't always like that, Brinkley?

Oh no. Do you ever think that you were normally alive or maybe you were just a zombie zombie zombie guy? Maybe all my memories were planted on me? Yes. Bionecromancer. Necromancer! What about a gross weird brain in like a spaceship somewhere? Yeah, probably that too. That sounds gross and weird. I gotta get out of here. I think I know the next spot, right? Help! Help! I start banging on the stone door that we just came out of.

Trick or treat, please! There's no stone door there. She was molding the fireplace. The fireplace is now roaring with life. I'm just screaming trick or treat. You want to go on to the next spot? Yeah, we have to wait for our friend Gideon. All right, well, in the meantime, you can decide where you want to go. You got to get a bone, you got to get some metal, and you got to get--

You gotta get that ectoplasm. Guys, guys. Yeah, what? You think I just wish for the key? What? Why would you think that? Because I can make a wish. You can? What the fuck is going on? Why stop with one key? Why not wish for them all? Yeah, wish for the key. Should I just wish for the key? Yeah, should we be free? I don't know which one to get the fuck out of here.

Well, uh... Wait for the key! Great magics of the trick-or-treat magic pot. I wish that we had the key that we're trying to build right now that'll let us... To get out of here! To get out of here and save, um... What's the name? And to save the mother and also for an endless supply of biscuits and honey. And a leaf. And a leaf. And a leaf?!

No, to leave! Oh, no! Oh, we're gonna get monkey pawed to shit! Why, just those things. You say all of these things in rapid succession, and immediately the cauldron begins to brim with things. There are biscuits and honey and all kinds of food just spilling out of it.

And intermixed with all of these things are leaves. Beautiful red and gold and yellow leaves that are just spilling out and beginning to fill up the room. And it's not stopping. It's just muffins and cakes and pies and honey and leaves and mush and just filling up and filling up and filling up the room. I immediately dive forward and I try to get some of the liquid into the mold. I have the skeleton key mold. I'll dive forward and attempt to scoop up. What liquid?

Oh, it's not liquid, it's not broth. No, it's literally muffins and honey and butter and cakes and all the things that Gideon wished for at the very end, as well as the leaves that he also mentioned. I also wished for the key! Look for the key! I start to scurry and I am going to try not to burn myself, but get to the bottom of the cauldron to see if perhaps it's inside the cauldron. Roll a perception check at disadvantage. Or I guess investigation, either one.

Whoa! Look what I got-- look what I got in my jack-o'-lantern. I pull out two hand crossbows. Whoa, I'm a crossbow master! I'm just like shooting crossbows. Is that your tree? That's my feet. I pick crossbow master. You said investigation? Or perception, whichever one is your choice.

That's perception at disadvantage. How are you loading those with two crossbows in your hands? I don't know, it's rule of the retinas! I rule the whole Ocelot! You begin rummaging through things. This cauldron is hot.

It is melting down the butter, which is then mixing with the hangman's fat, which is mixing with the honey, which is turning into this viscous liquid at the bottom, which is mixing with the leaves and the crumbs from the muffins and the baked goods and the biscuits and everything else that's piling out of this. And you are able to reach towards the very bottom. You are going to take...

Get in there, bitch. Get your time ahead. Over the course of the five minutes you're doing this, you're going to take 14 points of fire damage as you constantly burn your flesh on the sides of the cauldron. But you do eventually hear the scraping of metal on metal as you find a key at the very bottom.

It is burning hot, it's staring into your hand, and as you pull it out, as you pull it out, you realize that the cauldron was really, really hot. You weren't intended for a key to be in the cauldron, it was to melt the material that would form the key in the mold, and so a significant portion of the key has melted off. But you do have the key. I got the key! Oh!

You're flashing your fur and most of you Why are you sniffling?

Look at the coolest shit I can do! I'm so scared! Are we going to die in here? I don't think this is going to work. Ruby, is this ruined? That's like half a key. Why don't you maybe just put it into the mold while it's melting apart? The thing is, it's missing most of the head part. That's what goes into the lock and engages all the tumblers and allows you to open a lock. What do you think this is going to do? We got some muffins.

Leaves? Sucks that the hangman's fat, though. I thought you said leaves! I said so we could leave, so that we clarified which key we were gonna give. Well, you talking a really tricky accent, all right? Well, so do you, sort of. I'm enjoying this muffin. Shit! I'm eating the muffin right now. Uh-oh! That looks like it's a peanut butter muffin. What? Oh, that's meta. He's smart. Yeah, don't eat peanut butter! I was hoping to trick you, 'cause I love peanut butter!

- Biffy, are you okay? Oh God, where's your EpiPen? Look for your EpiPen! - The room is filled with leaves and biscuits and muffins. Wherever the EpiPen would have been, it's almost impossible to find.

We need to get fresh air! Let us go to the next zone! Oh yeah, we'll take you, Biffy! We'll take you! I'll take your hand! Fucking brutal! You're so stupid! Stop! Um, I'll see you don't fucking-- Ruby makes the door, and you trick-or-treat. I'm trying to marry him at--

Do I roll a d10? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm getting 11. Oh, roll a d10. Oh, a d10? Yeah. For those of you who don't know, Bitsy has a canonical peanut allergy. A black cat crosses your path. You have horribly bad luck. LAUGHTER

Does she show up? You find yourself and you didn't say where you wanted to go so she just picked one. You find yourself in what appears to be a graveyard. It is...

Probably around midnight there is a gentle mist along the ground. The tombstones are illuminated by the light of the moon that shines down over this place. You see crows flit about and land on a few of the tombstones and watch you curiously. But you, other than that, it's quiet here as you joke to death.

and the black cat walks off and it sees you choking and gets startled. It's just the Tom scream. - I just, there's no one around me anymore 'cause I've had magical portal so I just fall face first into the ground and drop the key. - Okay, I'm right behind. - A five. - A d10. - A one.

I need you to roll D4. Have we gotten this one? No. Two. Where your head had been is now replaced with a pumpkin. And a pumpkin whose face is carved into a sad expression as you are overwhelmed by sadness. Okay. I'll be right back. Oh my god. Trick or treat. Trick or treat. You look ridiculous.

--Oh! Betsy's dead. That makes me sad. --And I'm just standing right there. --D20. --Oh. --3. --D10. --3?

Your bones become very fragile and are exposed. You keep breaking them. Oh! Oh my god. Ow, my wrist! Oh, fuck! Ow! Can you see it? Oh, go away! I'm afraid of my own mortality! Chicken dreams, chicken dreams, chicken dreams! Bone, bone! Please, please, please, please, please, please. Three. D10, please.

I'm so afraid, I'm so afraid, no! You believe you are a werewolf. I'm so afraid! Everybody run! Am I still afraid from the first curse? No. No, they're always replaced. No stacking.

You find yourselves all standing in this graveyard. As you come to in this place, you see that Bitsy is face down in the moist dirt and clearly no longer breathing. As pumpkin-headed Chuckles stares down at her, a soft tear running down his gory face. Chuckles, quick, man! You got the EpiPen right in your pocket! Hand it over!

What's the point? Just hand it to me! I take it from Chuckles and punch it in.

- Oh my god dang! - You hear the loud crack as four or five of the bones in your hands break, but Bitsy you feel the epinephrine enter your bloodstream and you find consciousness. - Wait a second, this doesn't say epinephrine, this says especially peanuts! - Chuckles!

Why do you have a peanut? Why do you have a peanut? Peanut! It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's a peanut. It's

The Moonlight. Of all the luck. The curse. It's finally complete, Gideon. My curse, my transformation. What are you talking about, mate? The Moonlight. I was first cursed in that jungle many years ago.

I thought you were cursed by a voodoo guy. Well, it was more stealing an ancient relic from the jungle than I was tricked by a loa. Anyway, it's a long story. I don't have time for this. The point is, I'm transforming. No, what are you transforming into what? I was mostly a zombie. My transformation into definitely a zombie has completed. And I must say, I'm going to walk over to your broken hand. I'm going to snap it off the rest of your body.

Why would you do that, man? I must consider... No! This makes me sad. Everyone is dying. I have no hands anymore. Why did you eat them? Because it is my nature, Gideon. Uh-huh.

For I am... ...Warecroft, zombie. At the very least, I can do this. Chuckles. Me lad, you see I need brains. And with a head as big as yours, there must be many brains inside.

I'm just gonna slowly start to like waddle up to you. Oh no, it's just a bunch of orange goop and seeds. I'm gonna take your head and smash it on the ground. Try to bust it like a fucking- Holy shit! Are you gonna stop him? At the very least, I'm gonna- Brains!

Brains.

Is your head cracked open? Oh yeah. You pop it off like he's a doula hand. And you take that thing, you smash it on the ground. I smash it on the ground. You actually smash it up against a tombstone. And you see as it splits into multiple pieces and the gory, pumpkin-y insides and all the seeds are just splattered everywhere. The same way a brain would be had there been one in there, but this is just pumpkin's head. My favorite is brains. And I'm just gonna take bites of pumpkin.

Where Chuckles is standing, you now see Chuckles' body, there's just no head on it. You can have your head back if you want. I've got all the insides out. Thanks. Good brains, this. You think she's using her brains? What do you think? This is fucking dead, man! What, you ate my hands right off my arms? You ate Chuckles' whole head! I didn't take bits.

This is your waters of olive bones! Your waters of olive bones! Like in fire blades! And nothing's just wearing her brains! I've transcended, what can I say? I need flesh.

Unless you have some beef jerky around, I guess I could make do with that too. All you needed was beef jerky? I got beef reaching into my pocket! I can't get it because you ate my hands off! There's 17 pounds of beef jerky in there! Oh yeah, I didn't need your hands or his brains, this is plenty! You know, jerky's surprisingly filling.

You guys step over Bitsy's body and I start-- Do I remember what the graveyard was attached to? I will say that you do. The femur? It was the femur of Love Lost. Is everybody dead? No, Chuckles is easily capable of moving around, he's just in my head. Bitsy, I guess-- It's a pieces and I gave it back to you. I guess Bitsy did go into anaphylactic shock. She is probably dead.

"I'm not that luck. "I'm not that luck, guys." You look great, man. You look great, okay? You look like Count Dooku right before he gets killed by Anakin Skywalker. Oh no, I don't want to look like Count Dooku. He's the worst one. "That makes me sad. "Gideon, leave the hand."

I pull off my hand and it floats over and lands in your... Flesh socket? Well, this is pretty okay. Wait, is this horribly demonically cursed? Yeah. Have you ever seen the movie Idle Hands? Good.

I put a crossbow in it and my hand doesn't... All right, lads, let's find this femur bone of lost love. We should...Britzy. Is Britzy dead? That makes me tired. I'll go pick her up. Come here, Bitsy. Oh no! My arm's going in the wrong direction!

Oh, let me help with that. Oh, no, don't eat it, no! I gave you 17 pounds of beef jerky so you would stop eating my limbs! Oh, I should probably finish it and then I'll be full.

"Oh, cannibalism is sad. "I'll help you, Bitsy." I'll pick up Bitsy. "We should probably try to save her. "You didn't make me sad."

I'm not the one that did this to Bitsy. You guys decided Bitsy was having anaphylactic shock. This was your choice. So don't look at me for the solution to this one. Femur birds, you're the bird of lost love. Where are you? Oh, I'm starting to come to my senses. I'll reach down in a pumpkin.

Look! Bitsy still has a dread against the DM. I'm going to reach in and pull out a dread against the DM and shove it down her mouth. What does that do? Nothing. I'm not rolling for anything. Dang.

I have ideas Does anybody have like uh one of those things the paddles? Well I can't hold them anymore seeing as how my hands are gone but you know the paddles that shock people back to life? You got those in there? Let me see I'll pull out a sexy nurse outfit That's not it I'll pull out the paddles

- Oh, you mean these? Yeah, perfect. Now just put 'em on her body. - No. - Oh, is she dead? - This is a gag. Schmorge, Schmorman grill. You make grilled cheese with that. Clear.

Like a panini press. Yeah, basically a panini press. Is that why there are all those ridges on it? Yeah, it makes a mean sandwich. I still have a pumpkin head upside down.

Oh, here's my EpiPen. Oh, and it's laced with cocaine. I impale your heart. I don't know if that's going to help. I feel like that just kills me again. For the sake of getting this show on the road, you jumpstart your heart. Ooh! Kickstart it!

Oh! Biffy, you're back! What happened? You're still incredibly unlucky, though. Blood's coming down your nose. You like that scene in Pulp Fiction? Oh, Biffy, you got a little-- I started eating that muffin and then I saw a black cat and then I died! Where's my-- Dreads against the DM. Oh, Biffy!

I'm afraid that in your peanut allergy shock you killed them. No! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioio

Now we just started. We just got to a graveyard. Oh, hold on. Well, how'd we get this fucking female? Oh, you still have one more dread against the DM. Oh! What happened to the other one? In your shock, you killed it. Poor bitsy.

And also look out for the things that he's eating hands and arms. Oh my god, man! That makes me sad! What lovely brains you have, Bixby. No, don't, he's trying to eat your brains. He's trying to eat your brains. Oh, I'm just getting on some beef jerky earlier, let's go. You're not you when you're hungry. I start looking for tombstones that evoke love or speak of love. Oh, nice, roll an investigation check in advance. Oh, he should know! There we go! Look at that!

Lost love is such a tragic story. 19. You wander through the graveyard and you find many tombstones that talk about the people who were interred here. And you eventually find a tombstone that is etched with floral patterns and hearts. And the words Lydia Bones. She will be missed by Reginald Bones, love of her life.

A true love story, and love story is in quotation marks. Little bit on the nose, don't you think? I wonder why it's in quotation marks. Is that like, it's not a love story? Maybe they were just horny, you know, and it was one of those lust situations where they thought they were in love. But they really just like having sex. Yeah. So they do all these ridiculous things because of-- anyway, I'm not going to get into the moralities of any of that. No! I'll just stick my hand into the grave. What are you talking about?

And I'll rip out the first bone that I feel. You reach in and you find no bones. You just reach deeper and deeper and deeper into the soil and find nothing. Your hand doesn't even come into contact with the casket. Maybe we need to find Reginald. Okay. Wait. Let's find out and look for Reginald's grave. Did we fully exhume the grave? What a tragic lost love of Reginald and Lydia. I have a perfect

Trick that'll solve this instantly. Uh-oh. A shovel. What am I going to-- how am I going to use a shovel? With my toes? Oh. Just use your mouth, I don't know. Give me the mage hands back, give me the demonic hands. Oh, you can use mine and my left hand will--

Okay, you can have another one. I have two shovels, here you go. Oh, thank you! And I drop the shovel, and then I step on the front half of the shovel. I start to dig. I start to do-- I'm just blasting the dirt or the coffins with crossbow bolts with my crossbow expert feet. You do this for 10, 15, 20 minutes.

and it feels like every bit that you dig is almost replaced by new dirt. It seems like a magical grave, there's nothing in here. We're going to look for Reginald, like I said. Oh, Reginald. You were such a gentle lover, I'm sure. You got to say this, you got to do this when you say lover. You got to say, "Or so I'm told." That's the only way we make it a fatter love story. I'll look for Reginald's tomb.

- Oh yeah, roll on it. - They all fan out to look for original. - Can you guys let me out? 'Cause I'm still down here in the grave. It's like 10:15, it's real scary.

Guys! I don't hear you. I don't hear you. None of them hear you. As some of the dirt, as they're walking around, they're stomping and some of the dirt begins to fall on top of you. You begin to be buried alive. Oh good, my greatest fear. And what did you get for an anesthesia? 20. You look around and you see no grave for original bones.

But you do think back to the fact that love story was in quotes. We got it all wrong. Again? This wasn't the right grave at all. The quotes is a metaphorical way to say psych. This isn't about love at all, we gotta keep looking. Wait, I'm confused and that makes me sad, Pumpkin. Bitsy? Where do we put Bitsy?

Even more dirt falls on top of your head. I try to like touch or grab the word love. I mean, it's a tombstone, you can touch it. You can't grab it or pull it out. Are there any other tombstones related to love in the cemetery? It seems to you like you would need to tell a love story to do something with this. Oh. We need to tell a love story. It's very late, so I'm just gonna give you guys the answer. It's what I've deduced very wisely and intelligently. Oh! And charismatically. Have any of you been in love before?

Bitsy, you think back to a time that you were in love, but you're being buried alive, so you're not going to be able to help this one. Bitsy! Grab onto my crossbow! I'll toss you a crossbow to your face. In the leg of the wall! You start doing tricks.

I'll finally go, "Oh shit, you're right!" I'll just throw it out. Grab on, Pinsley! I'll pull my hanky. Grab on! Gain twice when you have it. To your right! To your left! Your other left! Little bit more. Got it! Ah! Oh! Oh.

Okay, love story time. I'm very sad. Should it be a sad love story, guys? No, it needs to be a real love story. I once loved a man. Oh? He was a real man. Stocky, with a big barrel chest, like dad's root beer. He was hairy, like Blanca from Street Fighter II.

And he rolls into my life speaking truths and wisdom. I never got his name. But every time I smell hot peppers, I'll think of him.

you immediately see the ground at the base of this tombstone begin to rumble as out from it, you eventually see the torso of a woman pop out. She is heavily decayed, mostly skeletal. Her eyes are sunken in. She has worms wiggling throughout the exposed flesh. As she looks up towards you and smiles,

That was a beautiful love story. I'll jump back in shock and step on one of the shovels. Oh, that was such a sad love story. And brain and seeds are going to pour out of my upside down pumpkin head. Oh, demonify. Hold on, let me-- thank you. Thank you. It was a true love story. I think he loved me too.

Sounds like it, is there anything I can do to help you? I'm Lydia Bones, by the way. She turns behind her and points at the tombstone. Oh, I thought that's just what you did. She has like a skull. Think Emily from The Corpse Guide. She's partially decayed, but she's still--

She's blue. Yeah. Yeah, we need a femur in order to make a key or some shit. You know if we gotta get some femurs from a lost love? Oh, it's a femur of a lost love? Please don't take my lost love's femur. No, you can have mine. I died young. My husband. Sure he misses me dearly. She says she cracks her femur off and hands it to him. Oh, you had a husband? I did. Well, is he dead or is he still alive?

I mean, the last time I was alive, well, when I died, he was alive. Who knows what's-- Oh, how did you die? Do you need the other one? Could use a snack for the road. You're currently eating four pounds of jerky. That's what I said for the road. I mean, I might get hungry later. You don't know. I think I'll keep it. How did you die? Mid the bones.

I was poisoned by his jealous ex-girlfriend. Oh, ain't that just the way? Classic. We would avenge you if we had time. There's just no time. Goodbye! After that unlucky cat gets all of her, she'll fall into a grave and get buried alive. All right, well, I'm going back to sleep now. Bye! Goodbye! Drink a drink! If we see your husband, we'll tell Mr. Boone

I'm sick of eating jerky. You all trick or treat and make it back into the room. I'm not gonna make you trick or treat into this one because of time. And you find yourselves back in the study, back in the parlor, and all of the mess has been cleaned up. And somehow, Ruby has been working very hard and she's been able to render the fat away. There might still be a little bit of butter in it, but she doesn't believe that that's going to affect

the key making process. And so there is, she has a mortar and pestle available to begin to grind up the femur and add it to the cauldron. Thanks.

Yeah, thank you. I can't believe you got two. That's the farthest anyone's ever gotten before, so I guess this next door's going to be goodbye. We're on a roll. We're going to get them, I swear. Which one do you want to go to next? Devil's Iron sounds cool and piratey. Trick or treat. Goodbye. And she shapes the fireplace and it turns into a blood red door. Trick or treat.

I got a three. Roll a 10, a d10. Can I twist this? No. I got a seven. I got a six. A six of my d10. You love candy corn and don't understand why people don't like it. You feel the need to convince people it's a severe candy. You got a six from the cauldron. Oh yeah, I got a six, oh. Yeah, so on your d20 you got a six. D20 was, oh, oh, I didn't know that. I got a 10 on my d10 roll. What does it say, Michael?

I gotta turn any player into a character of your choice for ten minutes. You have to do it right now. Can we figure out what they got? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ten. You got a ten. You get to pull from the-- No, no, no. On my d10. Oh. I mean, if that's what it is-- No, no, no, no, no, no. You hear the whispers of the Old Ones and you are called to be their herald. Alasha. Alasha.

Two. Was that your D20 roll? No, that was the D10 roll. You've eaten too much candy. You're feeling nauseous. I've got it. Oh my god, I think I know what you're going to do, but okay. I'll...

Wait, what kind of setting are we in? Oh, so you all do this, and you find yourselves in beautiful, lush gardens at the manor house. There is a hedge maze and a beautiful gazebo off to the side. And at first, you notice nothing strange. But then you smell sulfur.

And you see bits of red flash here and there, and as you turn and look, you realize there is something here, watching and waiting, wandering this area, lurking in the shadows. I think there's something in here. I'll stumble forward. The devil. Not again. I'll slump, and my body will shrink. This is it. I'll get about halfling or gnome proportion, and suddenly my clown outfit will shift. You can't do it to yourself. Oh, I can? No. Oh.

It's for somebody else. You just get to be... Any player! I'll do it to somebody else. Oh man, I need time, I need time, I need time. I ate too many legally distinct twigs. Did you eat any candy corn? No, I hate candy corn. Why do you hate candy corn? It's the best. No, it's not the best. It's got one note. It's got multiple colors, but it only tastes like one thing, and that's terrible. No, it's a magical substance.

Nourishes you, it's delicious. You put it in your stomach and then it time travels back in time to when they made the candy corn in the first place so it can repeat the cycle. If you like it so much, why don't you cosplay as it? And as soon as you say that, your skin starts to turn blue, Briggsie. As you grow a big white bushy beard, you turn into a winter eladrin. No!

You know what? I'll allow it. Where the fuck am I? Who are you? Who am I? I am the Bornless One! The Born-- What? Fallen Angel! What? Have you not heard the whispers of the Ancient Ones? Oh, what the hell? What are you talking about? Who are you? I am the Herald of the Lord of Light.

Does that mean you got candy? Does that mean that you can help us? I have been summoned to his lair to serve his will. I will serve you, my lord! You hear a popping sound and the smell of sulfur gets significantly more

more potent in the air, as at the gazebo you see a bright flash of red, and where there had been nothing, you now see a figure, a curvy feminine shape, wings extending from her back, a tail whipping behind her, very clearly a succubus. As she looks between all of you, lets out a chuckle and begins to saunter over. Hi there!

Ignore this creepy guy. Look what I can do! Are you impressed? Babylon! Scarlet whore, yes! Oh, you can't just- briefly! You can't just call people that! Did he say whore? Yeah! You can't just call people that! I am at your service! I am in herald! And I'm gonna kneel on my grovel to her feet.

She smiles down at you as her tail whips this way and that, looking between all of you. She doesn't say anything yet. - You should have these socks on. - We're done, that's her end. It's over.

I can't believe you got Uma Thurman to play the guy. Wouldn't Cialdian be the one to do this job? You're not doing it right. Yeah, I'll be the stunned hand for this. Her cloven hooves are not soft. As she moves between all of you. What he's brought you into my garden.

We need to get your iron. You want a piece of my iron? Well, I think we want the whole thing. Our clothes are all wrinkly and dirty. We just need enough to go into a cauldron to get the fuck out of here. I'm sorry, uh, sorry, your mistress-ness. We'll get it right back. We're just really trying to get out of here. We're trapped in a spooky cabin in the woods. And if you got any candy corn, that'd be a bonus. And what would you give me for a piece of my devil's iron? My undying soul.

Anything you ask. Your undying soul. Yes, I've heard your calls, mistress. Then you will let me place upon you a kiss to seal this deal. Oh, of course. She looks towards you and she outstretches one long, nailed finger and she beckons you to stand. And you will follow me into the maze, you and I, alone. Of course. Yeah, we don't know who the fuck this guy is, yeah, take him.

Just me and you, right? None of these losers? Are you going to come back with the iron after you're finished killing this guy? If we are going to trade one of the bars of iron that I have in my possession for his undying soul, then yes.

I will let you have it. How long is it going to take? That seems like a fair trade. Looks like about 30 seconds. It should not take too long. Yeah, it'll probably be pretty quick. You'll know when I'm done, when the screaming stops. Oh yeah, it stops. That's about how it goes, yeah. Are you okay? The smell. Normally I'd be super into this kind of thing, but...

What's wrong? I'm just, I ate way too much candy, man. I didn't see you eating candy. She places her finger on your lips to stop you from talking. Now hush, you large red man, or I will take you too. Oh yeah, you could come too. I don't mind. Look at this, when they call it a devil's three way. Oh, chuckles.

Ta-da, ta-da, who else but Knuckles? Oh, Rhett. Let's go break one more bone. She turns and she beckons both of you as she saunters into the maze. Bye! And you follow along. Have fun! I follow. Are they dead? Are they gonna die? They're probably gonna be dead, yeah. Oh, gosh.

Man, I'm so glad I got these sweet crossbow skills, though. Show me again. Oh, yes. Ooh, the whispers are getting stronger. I will be the herald. The twins, they are exhausted. Seven is the snipe.

The two of you are taken into the hedge maze and you're led through it quite a ways until you find yourselves in front of a beautiful bubbling fountain with a couple of sitting areas. This is very clearly a place that people go to have a little bit of privacy, maybe drawing a ball at the manor house, etc. And she...

She asks for both of your agreement for her to administer the Succubus Kiss. Hey, before we get started, what are your rules? My rules are what my mistress bids. Oh, boy. What do you mean? You don't have any rules at all? Just what she said? Gemini is rising! The red lips kiss to bite! Is that like...

I'm just going to-- Don't make eye contact with me. Everything fades to black as she administers the succubus kiss to both of you and your souls are signed away in a contract. After it's all said and done, Bitsy and Chuckles, you hear-- the two of you feel pleasure unending for what feels like hours. The two of you--

The two of you, however, for the next 30 minutes, you hear horrific, pained, and agonizing screaming. It is the type of screaming that sounds like by the time it's done, there would be, if whatever was making that noise was humanoid, there would be nearly nothing humanoid left to it.

But around that time, the two of you make your way out of the hedge maze as you each carry with you a bar of demon's iron, or devil's iron. You got any threes? Yeah, I got one three right here. You got any aces? Yeah, right here. You got any eights?

I only got these two aces. No, I am spent! Am I still in this form? That was a quick ten minutes. No, a ten minute enough for you to have to break the gab. You look a lot skinnier.

How was it, guys? Well, it got pretty weird back there, but uh... They are covered in wounds and bruises. They do not look good. I just came to, what the fuck happened? I don't know, I'm feeling like an empty Capri Sun right now. I told you, you bruise-easy. Why do I also feel like an empty Capri Sun? 'Cause you agreed to do kind of weird sexual stuff to that bar of iron you hold. What did I do, Gwyn? We got him!

Yeah. Well, we did a bunch of weird sex with you. Would you sign over your immortal soul? Sexually. Sexually. Seven angels and seven demons battled for my soul. Goofish, by the way. Just the one. Gabriel lies sleeping. This child was born to die. I got what I wanted. Oh, fuck. I'm looting to a mouse! Fuck.

And with that, you have your Devil's Eye. We leave. Trick or treat, trick or treat, trick or treat! You leave, you add it to the cauldron, and you are able to move on to the next one. 15. Here! We throw it into the pot. Come on. Give us the ghost one, we got this! We're going to get a big ol' bowl of spooky ectoplasm.

Oh, 15. An eight on my d10. I don't know what ectoplasm is, but I know what ghost is. Each of you can get one reroll on one of the trick-or-treats, but it's all you get for the rest of the night. Are we trick-or-treating going back to the... Is this the last trick-or-treat? I guess you'll find out if it's the last trick-or-treat or not. No, no, are we going back to... You will be going back to the parlor. Do we never get a 10 yet on the d10? Yes. I just got it. There's only one thing you guys haven't gotten, and that's a seven. So, we're

We're trick-or-treating on the way back to the cauldron? No, so you've already gone to the cauldron, you've already dropped off the iron. Okay. The door has been made, and you're making your way to the last one. We're to the last one. Yeah. Trick-or-treating! Ectoplasm, okay. I'm gonna use my last reroll. Or my only reroll. D10. D10. I got an eight. You can take something out of the... No, no, sorry. I got an 11, and then I rolled an eight on my D10.

I'll trade you. You take my four, I'll take your six. It's actually eight that hadn't been gotten. You believe you are a vampire. You got a two? Crazy for you. You've eaten too much candy and you feel nauseous. I had way too much candy. We could talk like our characters from last night if that would help. Okay, so what's happening with the two of you? He's got a four. I rolled a seven again. We're trading. He wants to trade if we could do this.

You know what? I'll let it happen. How many dice have I rolled? I'll let it happen. Mario party bullshit. Thank you, kid. Six. You love candy corn and don't understand why people don't like it. You feel the need to convince people it's a superior candy. What is yours, Rich?

Do the spooky scary skeleton dance and gain a nat 20. I pass. I don't need a fucking nat 20! That's what you think. Hey, you got two minutes, take it out. No, you can put it back in there. If he's not gonna do it, he can put it back in there. Put the candy back in the bag. Put it back in? If you're not gonna do the dance and get the nat 20, then yeah. What if I give it back to Gideon? You can't, because he already has a dread. He already has a trick.

Just put it in the bottom. Just shuffle it in. Shuffle it where? Just shuffle it in. Chat really wants you to do the dance. I don't even know how it goes. It doesn't matter. You just do whatever dance you want. Just channel Andy. Is it like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, now sing the song. This is xylophone. I'm so sorry, skeletons. You're so misunderstood. Perfect. You only like to socialize.

Yes, but I don't think we should. Do they ever do this? Yeah, I think they do. That's the Disney one. That's the classic Disney animation. It's like this. He's like this, right? Yeah, it's kind of like this. It's kind of like, yeah. Yeah, there you go. You did it, and now you get a 20. All right. Thank you, Gideon, for your noble sacrifice. It's all good. You find yourselves in what is clearly a room inside of this house. It is a child's nursery.

There are toys spread out all over the place, and you are listening to the sounds of a vitrola as it plays a nice folk song. I'll be standing there. Believe me. Oh, no. Oh, man.

What have you done? You seem different. It is a wonderful mind to have a curse. Hey, speaking of, what's your favorite candy? And why is it candy corn? Why do people keep fucking talking about candy corn? Candy corn is delicious, man. It's the best candy. Look, I can not feast upon such saccharine delight. Can we talk about something? Yeah, you can. No!

Did you just fall? No, I threw up. Oh. As you lean down, I'll say, The neck explodes. Do you have fangs or are you just chuckles? I mean, anyone biting into a neck is going to cause something. You don't have to have long hair. Is there a spooky, spooky ghost? Anywhere nearby? Hello, any spooky ghosts?

We have candy corn. We have creme fraiche. We have creme fraiche? Oh! This boy coming down my mouth. We have creme fraiche. Stop biting my neck! Stop biting my neck, I swear to god, if you bite my neck like four, five, six times, I'm going to be really mad. Why do you put it like that? The creme fraiche.

You call out in this way and after a while you eventually hear a sniffling come from the bed. One of the pillows falls over and you see nestled between a mound of plushies holding onto a very round black birb plushie. You see what is clearly the ghost of a child. Who's in here?

Oh! "Weed little lad." Yeah? "Do you have any ectoplasm to spare, young ghost?" Yeah, I guess I could. Oh, nice. We could really use some to get out of here.

I've lost a lot of blood and I've eaten too much candy. That's all you want is just ectoplasm? You don't want to be my friend? We would like to be your friend especially. I mean I don't want to be your friend but if you're offering candy corn I'm in today. If you have blood to spend. Come with us we'll teach you how to play go fish. No this guy seems like kind of a downer. We play go fish with the child Gideon.

You are a fellow creature of the night being a spooky spooky ghost. Oh, I walk around the room. I'm gonna take my bowling shirt.

You can't see it on camera, but as he's doing this, his legs are doing this. It's very funny. He doesn't put up much resistance as he looks very sad and lonely. He points you to a bowl of candy corn that's sitting off to the side. It is very old candy corn. It turns to dust in your mouth.

Oh, delicious. It comes out in one big softball. Yeah, exactly right. The best part about eating candy corn is getting to share it with all your friends. You know, I always did like candy corns, and I mean that totally truthfully, not ironically.

Thank you Gideon! Aww, thank you. I would love to take some candy from your vain yard. And I'll put a bite into his wrist. Cover it in a giant iron manacle. I'll do the *crack* and all of them will break around and fall out. That was a mistake! Oh man. Thank you.

Yeah. You seem lonely and sad. Yeah. Are you gonna, do you need some cheerio? That'd be nice. Do you need a bandaid? I need two band-aids. You got band-aids? No. We could use a Schmation jar of ectoplasm if you got one lying around. You wanna come with us?

I can't leave this room. You can't. Why not, young child? It's the room where I died. Oh shit, where's your body? It's under the bed. We will not look, or do we have to complete the quest? Either the ectoplasm's in the body or it's in this kit. We're going to get it over with.

It's in my ghost. It's in your ghost? Yeah, can't you see I'm crying it all out right now and how shiny it glows? Oh, perfect. That's so sad. He doesn't resist and he allows you to take the Ectoplasm. Because it's midnight. Well, rough, rough, life and undeath can be pretty--

Well, I'm glad I could help you. He can be pretty sad indeed. Look, I'm probably gonna die real soon anyway. You look like it. You're very pale. I got hit in the face with a shovel twice, and I got buried alive, and I went into a... You have hives. ...anaphylactic shock, and I had blood coming out of my neck, and I threw up, and I've been walking for three days, and...

Mixing in with the extra plants. "It is all right, young child. The mouse will be fine. "You would have enjoyed my own cereal and mice, "a cereal that is similar but legally distinct "to Count Chocula." Also, Brinkley keeps kicking me for no reason. Shut up! I'm not kidding you.

I grab the cards from Chuckles. If it helps, you can play with these. Hope you don't solitaire. Bye! He tries to pick up the cards, but he's incorporeal, and so the cards just fall through his hands and land on the... Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! Chicks! Chicks!

I'm gonna use my reroll. And you make your way back into the parlor. You don't have to roll again. Yeah, you don't have to roll again. I stopped that after the first one because it was just too much. Too many rolls. And you make your way back in. You are able to add the ectoplasm to the cauldron and you have this bubbling metallic thing

It's a deep silver, but when the light catches it, you see that it shifts to this devilish burning red. It is coagulating almost the same way Mercury does at the bottom of this cauldron. And you imagine that you have created the type of metal that you would need to forge this key.

I'll grab this one, Bitsy, seeing as how I can't be burned by fire. Well, we just got to use the mold to make a new key. No, it's done. Yeah, no, I think we just got to reach in and grab it. Yeah, no, the mold you've already had, it was on the table. And he's sort of the metal guy, you know? We just got to pour the liquid into the mold, and then you make the key, and then I'm going to make the new door for you to release Mother. That's what I'm saying, that's why I know the steps! Oh, I thought I got it!

C'mon, you! Look, I... I know you... I... It's not even moving. I can't look at my eyes. You just fucking take the move.

You pour the metal into the mold. It's the perfect amount of liquid metal to fill the mold, and you form what is very clearly a skeleton key. It cools almost instantaneously, and in this time, Ruby takes the opportunity to reform the entirety of the fireplace into a large,

crooked door. It leans very Tim Burton-esque to one side. It is asymmetrical in its shape. There's something almost spindly and wiry about the metal rods that decorate it. What you see is a gigantic ornate lock.

right beneath the white doorknob, and it looks to be the exact size of the key. I can't believe it. Someone finally was able to get all of the things that they needed and didn't succumb to the magics inside of this house. Well, no adventuring party as cool as Huff has been in through these doors. You really shouldn't point with a gun. I got a big, still-crawled throat. Oh!

Crossbow master in me! Oh! Is that-- I'm like, what the fuck is the crossbow shit that's happening? I'm trying to think of everything else. This is long walk. It's so good. All right, keep doing the other shit!

Oh, Ruby, it's been a pleasure. We can't wait to meet you. You can come with us, you're free! Yeah, we're all free. We're going to go free Mother right now. I'm not going to be free until Mother comes out the door and does what she needs to do to free me, but I believe her. Yeah, I really, really want to meet Mommy. I mean, Mother, I'm Mother. You've all heard me say Mother. Mm-hmm.

All right, well, we just unlocked the door. Gideon. Here we go. The lock clicks as you turn the key and the door creaks open and you see before you a long, asymmetrical, black and white checkered hallway. The lights that are...

It's a strange candlelight that almost glows orange, but almost illuminates green towards the very edges. It almost makes you feel dizzy as you look as this winds crookedly up to an archway that clearly leads into a kitchen. You can hear the sounds of cooking and occasionally you see the form of a woman as she walks past the doorway carrying trays laden with food. She doesn't seem to notice or hear you.

as you begin to make your way up this pathway. It feels like it takes longer than you would expect a hallway to take, but you do eventually get to the pinnacle and you find yourselves in a beautiful kitchen, soft yellow walls, comforting and happy. The smells of food are almost overbearing, but delicious, and everything looks pristine and perfect.

You see that standing in front of the stove is a woman dressed in a delicate black dress, an apron firmly affixed to not ruin the dress itself. Her hair is tied neatly up into a intentionally messy bun as she works away cooking.

But she doesn't seem to say or notice you. Mother?

Are you stepping into the kitchen? Yeah. We're here, we'd like to go home now. You step into the kitchen and immediately the entryway that you had entered in on seals behind you where there had been an open doorway. There is now nothing but wall. And as Mother turns to look towards you, you see her beautiful face, bright red lips, long eyelashes,

near dark, strangely dark black eyes. She looks towards you as she's mixing a batter in a bowl, and she looks between all of you. My children are home. My children have come to save mother. What the fuck? And you notice that her eyes twitch a little bit and her head jerks this way or that. I can smell your souls.

Come sit at the table, darlings. Riggsie. Yeah, yeah? Starting to think this is witch shit, man. What? There's no way that it's witch shit! I said to sit at the table, darlings! It's just witch shit. I immediately zap and I'm immediately at the table. Yeah, me too. There's a little dust cloud behind me. You hear a race car.

We sit at the table. You all sit at the table? Yeah, we're all sitting at the table. I'm looking for confirmation from Brigitte. Oh, no, no, I'll do, I'll do. She moves towards you. Her movements are jerky and unnatural. There are moments where she saunters towards you with a confidence that you would expect of this motherly figure, but you see that it is broken up with what is clearly movements that, which clearly show that those movements are unnatural to the way that it wants to move.

How big is she? How tall is she? No, he said it right. She's shaped like the mom from Dexter's Lab. She would be the equivalent to Lady Dimitrescu.

She is very tall. Her proportions are very Pixar, in the sense that they don't make mechanical sense. A Pixar mom? She-- Dommy mommy truck?

She moves towards you and is very clear with the way that she's moving and what she's wearing that she doesn't, this body is not natural to her in any way as she takes the raw batter and begins to pile dollops onto each of your table. It's all right, children, you will eat.

Hey, kid. Yeah? I know which feet I would choose. No, I already chose them, man. I would have chosen the mommy's feet. It's smelling a lot like pancake batter. Damn right. I'm ready for seconds, thirds, fourths. You don't have to pull me away from this table. Shucks, howdy. Do we have an eating utensil? My hands? No, just your hands. Yeah!

And you're just gonna eat the batter that this awful creepy-- Oh yeah. But we're already, I mean, we're on a quest. She's super hot, right? I mean.

Sure. And acting like a robot from like, "I'm not gonna eat this." I'm like, nearly passing out. I'm just sitting at the table in horror and fear and something kicks me under the table. She walks up behind you and you feel her long spindly arm on your shoulder as she leans down.

Is my sweet baby not going to eat? Well, I had so much to eat. Eat. I can't, I don't wanna. No. I need blood and rest, I'm so tired. She reaches forward and she forces your mouth open with one of her hands and she begins to shove the batter down your throat. Okay. I need the coconut.

Oh, it's so good. Finally some good fucking food. It's been so much better than being in those spooks in the woods. I need you all to roll a charisma saving throw. Oh great. I hate this die. I need to kill it. I still got a 15. I got a 17. Wow, with that terrible roll I have a 15. 19.

- Briggsie and Chuckles, both of you immediately are overwhelmed by Mother's love. You look up at her. - You lucky bastards.

I choose to fail. You look up at her and you no longer see any of those things that caught you off guard, the jerky movements or the strange changes in her voice. All you see is this entity she wants to be perceived as. You feel the food in your belly, warm and comfortable, this promise of safety, and you would give your life

for this woman. You are both enthralled by the Dusk Mother. That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool. I didn't know they made hips that wide. The other two of you are not. You watch as both Briggsy and Chuckles look up, and you see immediately that their eyes change, and where they had been their normal pupils are now just pure, swirling black darkness as they both look up at her with love.

Well, that's a little unusual. I feel like we gotta snap him out of it or stop her or something. She pushed a bunch of batter into my tummy and I didn't like it. Get here, we gotta do something. I don't know, bitch.

Maybe we just tell her she's free and she doesn't have to keep cooking in the kitchen. Maybe she doesn't realize she's free and we just gotta actually set her free. All we do is open the door. Maybe we gotta usher her through it. The door? There is no door anymore. We're stuck in here. What are we gonna do? There's no black and white checkered hallway? No. It's closed behind us. Well, fuck! We're trapped. That's why it's so scary. Oh, man. It's a nightmare. God.

I look around on the table. Is there like a knife, like a cutlery knife? No, there's nothing. Kill the mother.

I don't know if I could try tackling her, maybe I could just surprise her and break her neck real fast. Why don't I tackle her and you like spit in her eyes or something? What? I don't understand what you do in terms of combat. You're like, put on people. No, what? I don't know. It has been roughly the equivalent of each of you having a turn. I need you both to roll a charisma saving throw again. That's cocked. Fourteen.

- 13. - Both of you have this conversation as the Dusk Mother continues to bake and cook the smells filling this room as she turns towards both of you, towards all of you, and you see this shadowy darkness, almost the essence of night begin to spill out from beneath her dress and spread out like tendrils through the room. You feel it swirl around your legs

and you look up towards her as you hear her say, succumb to me, children. Give in to mother. And you both look towards her and you feel mother's love. You know that this is where you're supposed to be. Yes, mother. This is where you're meant to live. This is your home now. This is where mother is and mother will protect you. Yes. All four of you find yourselves enthralled by this creature.

Darkness begins to fill up this room, the shadows, the darkness of night. And if anyone were in the cabin in the woods, somewhere deep in the Feywild, they could look into the windows of this house and see as all of the lights go out. As the door itself opens and darkness begins to spill out and spread, someone has unlocked the Duskmother. She has now found children of her own.

She's begun to mold the children in her image. Her motherly love will spread throughout this land. And that is where we'll end the session. Oh! We die.

That was awesome. Oh, that was a lot of fun. I made this fight, okay? I made this. I was hoping you would fight her. I shouldn't have jumped her. I was gonna give you time to actually do something, but I told myself if you guys just talked, she would use a Mother's Love again on her turn. I

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