The Mistchurch Horror | A Crooked Moon One-Shot
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. The moon shines over the marshes. Beautiful milk white orb reflecting off of the water, shrouded in trees. You can, anyone walking around at this time of night can smell the sea spray coming from the ocean. If you listen hard enough, you can hear it. But none of you can.

All you feel is darkness. Cold, wet, dark earth around your bodies. Some moment where you think to yourself, "Where was I moments ago?" You can't quite remember. Feels like a lifetime ago. That you have a memory of anything at all. If you have a memory of anything at all.

And as you begin to come to, really, almost as if waking from a night's sleep, you realize that your body is submerged in silt and water. There is the remnants of broken wood around you as you begin to thrash about, pulling yourself up out of what feels like a waterlogged grave.

And as you stretch your limbs and find purchase on land that is solid enough to hold your weight, you realize that you are very clearly beneath the moon in a waterlogged graveyard. The headstone that used to mark this grave washed away by time, fog slowly encroaching around you as you realize you do not stand alone.

What your former life had been, it's hard to tell, for you have been reborn in a new body. You look down at your limbs and realize, though you may or may not remember much, that this was not the form that you had resided in previously. What your death was like is foggy and unsure, but it becomes very clear in this moment that you are not who you had been in life.

As you look around, you see three other people standing near you, all looking confused. As well, as you look above, you see stars streaking across the night sky. A meteor shower dotting the heavens. And it's beautiful as the fog continues to roll in and begins to obscure the stars from your vision. Who are you? Introduce yourselves. Who are you?

you would all look around and see what looks like a small doll. Felt fur and very similar

Victorian-esque yellow dress with black lace and small bats, almost like Halloween directions, cut-ups that make up the... that dot the exterior of the actual gown itself. And a yellow top hat wrapped with a black sash and a small red gem in the center.

The shape of my face would also be almost mouse-like, but very evidently I am ball-jointed. Just my movements are just a little bit more unnatural, a little bit more like a puppet or a toy. I am bitsy. Or perhaps bite-sy. That's right.

What is your lineage and your class and subclass? I am playing a Threadborn, one of the lineages unique and specific to the Crooked Moon, and that makes me very much a toy-made creature, just as I described. We'll get into the...

Features, like ball jointed, innocent mind, the fact that I can be healed with mending, these kinds of features. And, are we getting into some class as well? I can just name it. Yeah. I'm playing a sorcerer. I'm a sixth level Crimson Dynasty sorcerer, which allows me to use my reserves of vital energies to empower my spells and change my form should I need to. Well done.

I'll go next! Oh wow, you really jumped the gun there. I... I guess it was out of character, right? Uh... You can do it in character. You can do it in character, why? I am Professor Clayton Asvall of Miss Haller University. I don't quite know what that means. I seem to be standing... just shy of six feet tall, perhaps? With a Victorian-style getup. I have a black top hat with a red sash around it with a red gem in the middle. Um... And, uh...

I'll look down at my hands. But I'm a... I'm a werewolf! Are you all seeing this? I'm a fucking werewolf! I'm trying to shift. Oh, I guess I'm stuck like a werewolf. Uh, I am a curseborn.

It is a werewolf species that has overcome their curse, but they don't have any ability to shift back, but they have full control of their cursed form. So very wolf-like, maybe a shaggy kind of brown fur creature.

And my subclass is the, well, I guess I should say that the Curseborn hail from the province of Dresgenwald known as Edwardia. So lots of foggy moors and highlands and a great city full of canals and mist. And my subclass is the Occultist Wizard.

So, uh, a little cuckoo bananas. Love that. Uh, I am playing Scrim. And Scrim doesn't remember his last name. He just knows for somewhere, for somehow, deep within him, his name is Scrim. He is, uh, about four feet tall and, uh, has very...

similar to Bitsy over here, except instead of being a doll, he is a plagueborn. So I have rat-like features, a tail, some fur, some claws. I'm wearing a simple pair of pants and a shirt with a patched-up jacket and a leather hat.

and I am playing the Grim Harbinger, or as I like to call it, the Scrim Harbinger. It's the ranger, it's the ranger subclass from the Crooked Moon. The plague-born come from Bubonia, and I'm very excited to play a ratfolk-esque version of Scrim in this wonderful one-shot. Who could I have been in life?

It's such a mystery! As you will see, there's no other way to say this. Few thought spooky clowns scare me. The only thing scarier is a spooky spider clown! Highly marketable and very scary!

You will see a spider-esque person. I probably have like a bunch of eyes, whatever. I have human-esque hands, but they're covered, but like with only like three fingers and they are covered in awkward white gloves. I have feet, legs that go down. They look a little arachnoid, but I've got giant honking squeaky shoes.

Well, no, I'm an old and then I have four legs and at the end of each one is a large floppy clown shoe I say I say I shouldn't have assumed and then I don't have a nose Normally, but suddenly I fear This is very strange for spooky spider to have a nose and

but I might be able to star in one of the top grossing horror remakes of all time. As I am playing Chuckles, stage name Chukralls Chukralls. I am a silk-born spider person that hails from the province of Neruket, and I am playing a warlock of the Great Fool.

very highly requested and unlocked to be a stretch goal. So unlike all of these fucking chumps, I'm highly demanded and highly marketable. That's true. And these are the people that you see as you emerge out of your waterlogged grave. By this point, now that you have finally come into these new forms that your souls have found in the afterlife, or whatever this place may be,

you realize that the fog has completely enshrouded you. You can barely see outside of this small, ten-foot-wide circle that you have all clustered into. You move a little bit through it and immediately realize that venturing too far in would be so disorienting that it would be unlikely you would find each other again.

And that is where you find yourself, clustered here at the top of this very small waterlogged graveyard, standing next to people, creatures you've never seen before. I'll look up at everyone, the especially tall Clayton, the regular height Juggles, the still tall, in comparison to myself, Scrim. And I'll look with my sort of like almost dead gaze. Then hi! Hi!

Huh. Whoa! Strangers in a waterlogged graveyard with no one around? I'm just curious. That sounds very familiar. Did you guys just pull yourselves out of a bunch of mud? I mean, more or less, yeah. What was the last thing that you remembered? I... The last thing that I remember is pulling myself out of a grave. Yes, yes, me. Me as well. What does this mean? The last thing that I remember was...

It was cold. Oh fuck! A giant rat! Ah! Ah! Ah! Fuck! A giant spider! Oh that's fucking disgusting! Wow! You're right, I am a rat! I'm like a rat person! And you're like a wolf-pawing person! Yes, I'm a wolf, I'm a werewolf! Wait, wait, wait! There's a big fucking difference! There is a fucking difference! You're a giant spider and you're telling me that I'm gross as a giant rat? Ah! You fucking dog! Ah! Fuck! Ugh.

But you can see if I was a wolf person I'd have a big bushy tail, but I don't. Werewolf a person. Totally different. Well thanks for pointing that out, I guess. The fan artists are way less interested now. That's probably a good thing. Whoa! Is it... Is it true what my aging uncle Dennis says on Facebook? That inside all of us there are two wolves? This must be true! I always believed there was at least one wolf inside me.

Wow! Dennis, may he rest in peace. I hope if we're all dead, that Dennis died and he became whatever you are. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're saying... You just said you think we're dead? The last thing I remember... Well, he was in the grave. I was also cold.

Oh no, but I'm talking real cold. Well no, so am I. I'm talking very cold. Like really, really cold. I'm probably feeling a little colder than you are. I'm certain that whatever you kind of coldness you were experiencing, it was like ten times worse for me. I wish I could paint a picture, but I don't remember. I wish I could paint a picture, but there's just no way. Words can't describe the frozen hellscape that I remember. Well, I think mine was a frozen hellscape. Last thing that I remember...

I feel like I was late for school. I got dressed in a hurry and I put on my jumper backwards. I finally fixed it and my mom, who was wearing a pretty hot apron, she served me a piece of toast. What did he just say? And I didn't have time to eat it so I just had to bite it and I ran. I was running to school and then I heard a honk honk. That must be why I'm a clown!

Comforting feelings for his mother. This guy's a pervert. A spider pervert. Yeah, we gotta... Ten minutes! Ten minutes after I wake up and we're already meeting spider perverts. The top psychologists of Brieg say it's quite normal. I must say. Did I get... did I get ethakied by truck-coon? By who? What? I didn't understand, like, any of those words in that order at all. Ugh. Well... Either... how did you die?

Have never died. Oh, okay. For I live in a mortal life. Yeah, there's a living doll that checks out. Do we know we're dead? That's what I'm saying. He keeps saying we're all dead. I'm not convinced. Look, I'm as alive as alive can be. I'm a kicking rat person. I feel flesh and blood. Well, you don't look very flesh and blood. No, I seem to be a doll.

I can do this! And I, like, dislocate my... Oh! Oh! Oh, damn! I can pull the mouth of its sack! Does that hurt? Not at all. It hurts horribly. You do it, and it hurts horribly. Mine doesn't do that.

We must be a different kind. Your flesh is soft. You would easily be able to pop your shoulder out of its socket. Oh, that's not going to be all right. You don't know how long this body has been submerged beneath the marshy waters. And you pop it out, and it's a horrible, horrible pain. But you are able to pop it back in pretty quickly. The pain lingers a little bit, but... There's going to be some ligament damage. Yeah, probably. Oh, gosh.

*Groans*

Whoa! Okay, don't do that. Don't do what I did. Well, no, I didn't even consider it. Why did you do that? You didn't? You're not considering it because I'm telling you not to do it, that's why. Oh, well, thank you for your advice. What's your name, by the way? I don't think we, in canon, introduced ourselves. My name is Scrim. Scrim? I don't know why or how I know that, but I know that my name is Scrim. It just, it's within me. Scrim. Yeah. It's a sort of weaselly, ratty-sounding name. It is, it's weird, it fits. I don't know why, it's just how that happened. What is your name, little dog?

I believe they... they call me... Bitesy! Bitesy? Bitesy. Is that something you do? Or Bitsy, whatever. How do you spell that? I had a cousin named Bitsy. You did? Yeah, it's a pleasant name. Although Bitesy could reward a handsome sum of common commas. I think perhaps we go with that. Yes!

I use message and you can hear like the whisper in your mind as I like point at you. Yes! Voices are back. Nothing. Are you alright? Nothing. What is your name, friend? Oh, I don't. I don't remember. I remember I was like, I don't know, 6'5", getting back from my finance job. Blue eyes, trust fund. On my way to a bumble day.

And I was late. The story's already changed. And I was crossing the street and I heard a Hong Kong. It was the last of Hong Kong. Didn't the story change? You completely changed. You left out the part about his hot mom. Was your hot mother involved in any way? Yes. I don't think I ever had a mother. That must have been somebody else's mother. This is getting really confusing. I feel like I probably was like a really hot, successful guy in real life. Yes.

Blue eyes, trust fund. Blue eyes, trust fund. Yeah, yeah. Like standard Shm-American haircut. Crossfit. I don't understand any of the words you're saying. But I feel like in this body, with this outfit, I feel like I'm more of a Chuckles. Okay, well that's fine by me. I feel like I've been bestowed a great eldritch power by a great fool. You as well. Curious.

And it is as Chuckle says these words that you see very faintly off in the distance what appears to be a soft light, an orb of light floating in the air about, I mean it's hard to tell in the fog, but you guess from here maybe a hundred feet. Occasionally it blinks out of existence for a minute and then you see it illuminate yet again. Whoa. Does everybody see the orb of light?

You all see that's two? Absolutely. That's not just him. Whoa. Maybe that's our purpose. We called here in death after I choked to death on that giant meatball at the ivory Italian restaurant that I owned with my wife, Brenda. That's already had three death origin stories. I'm not gonna be able to keep up with this. How many origins do you have, Cloud Man? I don't know. I'm going through a lot of them quick.

It's like every five minutes I get rebooted, they hire a new writer, and I get a new run. It's like I'm horribly mismanaged. It's like you're written by D&D. The fans are gonna hate this. That was a Game of Thrones reference, not a Wizards of the Coast reference. Oh yeah. You know what? Chuckles sort of forgot about his previous life. Is that really in character for him? Me?

Well, Chuckles. Are you Chuckles? Oh yeah! Who is Chuckles? What is Chuckles? Everyone always says, "Hey Chuckles, say this funny quote. It's my birthday!" Everyone says, "Hey Chuckles, Kevin from Ido!" They only say, "Woo woo woo!" Does that happen a lot? Everyone says, "Hey, fuck you Jeremy!" But no one ever says, "How is Chuckles?" How is Chuckles? Well, I'm okay.

And you do feel okay as you're hanging out, noticing that this light is now about 75 feet away from you. Whoa. If it's any consolation, I don't care at all for your catchphrases. No way.

I mean, we've certainly never heard of them until you just mentioned them right now. Well, if you want to hear one of my iconic catchphrases, I take Venmo. I'm not particularly interested. I'm going to be honest with you, Chuckles. Why would I? Well, I'm not going to say one of my iconic catchphrases for free. The light, it is getting closer to us. Well, now I'm curious. I feel that it is going to absorb us. Do you have any gold? No.

I just came out of the dirt, man. I don't think I have any gold. I don't have any on me. You feel around your body and you notice that you do have satchels and you have belongings and in one of them you find 10 gold pieces. I look at my gold pieces. I don't have any gold. Weird. Do I have gold? Roll a d20 for me. Am I buried with my case? No, you're not buried with your case. Oh no. Oh, we have dice in this game? We do. You do, yeah. Seven.

You feel around on your person and you do have, you have an arcane focus. You have some handy tools here and there, but for money, you can find nothing. But not my case. Oh, you're missing a case? A family heirloom. Oh no. Oh no. That's terrible. Oh no. What happened to it? It's got to be around here somewhere. And I start digging.

Roll an investigation check. So I'm a Viking. 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.

You dig deep into the wet soil of the marsh and you find many, many things. Most of them the remains of people long dead. But you find a few trinkets here and there. You find a couple of gold coins. You find a couple pieces of plate armor, a few weapons here and there. But nowhere do you find a case.

While you're digging, and the way that you're doing that, it suddenly like jogs a memory in my brain, and I reach for my, around my neck there's a small whistle, and I blow on it, and it doesn't seem to make any noise, but from out of the darkness you hear like a as it gets closer and closer, this strange shadowy hound comes bounding out of the mist, and I say, "Ah! Of course! How could I forget?"

It's my friend! No, no! He wouldn't hurt anyone! Look! Look! And he's just sitting there. He's not... Wait! Calm down! He's a good doggo! His name... His name... Someone hold me back! No, no. It's fine. It's really... It's fine. His name is Handsome Jack. Hi, sir. I... He must have been...

- My dog in a previous life, and he's here! - Oh. - I've been reunited with my friend! - He doesn't think any of this is his territory or anything, does he? - I don't think so. He doesn't belong here either, just as much as I belong here. - Well, I suppose I don't either. - Well, we followed you here! - It seems so! - I can't believe I forgot! - I'm gonna walk up to Hanson. - He's bigger than I am. - Before you do that, roll a perception check for me, Clayton.

Oh, natural one. Oh no. Okay, yeah, no, you get up and-- The dog is taller than Scrooge is. This is a large, shadowy hound. Oh!

I'm gonna reach up and like scratch the chest of the dog if I can put my hand on it. Yeah! I think you would notice that your hand kind of goes through the smoke but then you would realize that there's like a form there and there's some sort of strange shadowy fur. That's a good handsome Jack! Yeah! Wow, I can't believe he found me all the way here! He is quite handsome. Unbelievable! Well, I feel better already! Well built. Nice coat.

haunting, glowing, beady black eyes. Yeah, I don't really remember that part, but it's fine. It's fine, he's here. So what about this light here? It's coming closer. We wanna follow it, do anything? We're worried about it. At this point, it's about 50 feet away.

It approaches us. Slowly. Maybe it's another friend. Maybe it's someone to guide us. I mean, there's nothing around here. If it weren't for all the three of you, I'd be completely lost. Or is it a being from beyond the stars? What? A fourth-dimensional creature. The great fool of here? A fourth-dimensional creature? What are you talking about? The fabric of space-time. Fourth-dimensional? She's at its thinnest. I can feel it. Oh. Oh, is it Volpergifnacht? There is an enchantment.

I am ready, Light! I'm ready for your will! What if it's just a friend? Someone with a lantern? You know, somebody who raises it, says who goes there? You call out, and you begin to notice that the light starts to move more quickly, from 50 feet to 40, 30, 20, 10, and then you see the shadow of a form burst through the fog.

maybe a little over four feet tall, you see this creature burst out of the fog. She is shrouded in seaweed. Her entire form is very fish-like. The seaweed drapes down around her head, acting as hair around her as it blows in the gentle wind.

The light that you see that had been moving towards you dangles from above her head like a torch, very anglerfish-esque as she moves forward towards you. You see that the cloak that she has draped around her is made of bits of different fishing nets intertwined with seaweed and bits of coral and shells.

and she looks towards you all and then she takes her hands up and begins to spin them around this little light as if she's looking into and reading into a crystal ball. You see that her eyes are completely milk white, that she does not actually see you, but she senses you through this lure that hangs from her head. It almost gives her a second sight.

She says nothing. She stands there and she gazes into this orb above her head and she reaches out and motions towards each of you, registering that you're there. And then finally, she begins to speak. You have made your way here. The meteor brought you to this land. Who goes there?

Damn it, I said it. Now she's going to be disgusted. I could see your coming in my crystal ball. Blown your chance in one second. I know, I know, I know. You are here to save us all. We are? Do you know who we were in life? Do you know how we got here? Who you were in life matters not. Yes, we are dead. It is what you will do in death. They didn't bury me with my case. It was specifically my will.

They call me Fortuna Divine. I see beyond the stars. I have seen your coming. You too? I know the fate. I know your fate. What is my fate? You will save all of Drosgenwald. You will save all Marsh in the city of Mistchurch.

We just woke up here, now you're already telling us we have to save people? That's a lot of-- I mean, are we getting paid? Follow me through the fog. I will take you to the city. You will be able to sleep. I will tell you everything you want to know as we journey, but you would not be safe traveling this land without my light. Are you safe traveling this land? You look... old. Blind and old.

I can see far more than even you can. She motions towards the orb that dangles above her head. You can see with that, like, hangy thing from your forehead? I can see all the past, the present, and the future. Whoa! Can you teach this talent? It is not something that is learned by Tsy.

It is something that you were born with. Oh, did we see that? She knew your name and you didn't even say it. What's my name? Scrim, I saw you fall from the stars. That's not my name. No, it is. Come on! Damn it, that is my name. You got me. Graveyard Jack. Yeah, Graveyard. No, his name is Handsome Jack. Look at how beautiful he is. Ah, you have forgotten your past life.

Your case, Clayton. The clown sits upon it. Now take it. Get off my fucking case! Oh, hold on. Oh, hold on. I gotta get off of it. Oh, I died from Taco Bell. Sorry. Oh!

Get your forelegs off my family heirloom! Oh, that's not gonna work at all. Oh, God. Sorry, there's a little bit of web on there. The leather's definitely ruined. Yeah, sorry. Prestigio. I'm not used to this whole web stuff. Well, at least they did bury me with it. So, you are a diviner. Yes. You have the second sight. They call me the Seaweed Seer. Seaweed Seer? The Seaweed Seer. Fortuna Divine Karma is seaweed...

Now follow behind, we will speak as we walk. Okay. We will take you to the city of Mistchurch. The village, really. So tell us a little bit about why we don't remember anything, maybe. You all died. You were brought here. In a comet? By the stars. To save this land, this accursed land, and push back the horrors beyond space and time. Do you know how we died?

Your stories are your own, they are personal. I have not seen behind that particular veil. That's gone forever, that's... I don't think I died. You don't think you died? Well, she's telling us we all died. I mean, there's no way... Yeah. Let us not believe her. I mean, he rose from a fucking grave. I was already in that grave. You were in that? Before the grave. Jesus!

She doesn't have a good answer. What are you doing? Let's move on! I don't want to talk about it! Miss Divine. Very side tangent question. Do you happen to have Venmo? Do I happen to have what? Venmo! Venmo or Venmo. You know it's not very clear. What is this Venmo? Well, Chuckles allegedly has some very famous catchphrases that he says for small donation.

On his Venmo. Only five gold pieces. And it's a shame because none of us have even a single gold piece, let alone five. I'm fresh out. I have seen beyond the stars and into the pit. They do not have wine in hell. Well, thank God we're not going there. What a bunch of fucking chumps. But you do have wine in Mythchurch.

You will find it at the tavern. Among many other drinks you could imbibe. Follow behind, they will lead you. You have been sent here for a reason. Never mind. For you see, a fortnight ago, there was a terrible... There was a terrible, terrible storm. Watch your step.

Watch out! Oh! Why did you make me turn away to look at you? I would have been able to see that! She can't see a thing. I'm trying to tell you a story! Just watch where you're going. Do not... It's fine! She's a little... She's a seer! Bitesy! You gotta stop sabotaging all of us! What are you doing? Whose side are you on? Fine! Go on! A fortnight ago, a terrible storm wrecked the coastline.

A ghost? A ghost storm? Just a... It seemed like any other storm that would come up off of the ocean. But with it, the stars sparkled with a strange pearlescent light. The tides receded. And with it, out of the ocean arose an island and on it the ruins of an ancient city. An ancient city, you say?

Just like up out of the ocean out of nowhere? Every night... Whoa. ...a strange song would arrive on the winds. No one knew from whence the song came, but we... but everyone feared it was coming from the New Island. People adapted, became... we became used to it. Until the archaeologists from the historical society, the Miskatania Historical Society arrived.

They sent the archaeologists to the island to investigate. And they returned with an artifact. A gunk shell. Perlescent in hue. Oh. And that was the first night that they arrived on the winds. These strange, indescribable creatures made their way into the city. Singing that same song that everyone had heard every night since. Ah.

Those that were caught outside were overcome and led to the cliff face where they plummeted to their death. What? Oh my gosh. Why would they do that? That was not the part that scared the villagers. What? For in the morning, all of those that had died returned, their bodies seemingly in perfect condition. Perfect condition? But different, changed.

Changed how? They were empty, almost. They did not speak. They walked into the center of town, stopped, and did not move. A strange, lopsided smile, the only thing across their face. What? Their eyes never blinking. They stare at the building where the archaeologists took the conch shell, and they do not move.

they've been dubbed the still ones now every night anyone who does not find a way to shroud themselves from the noise finds themselves enraptured and will plummet to their death the next day becoming a still one themselves there are not many left in this church

I saw in my crystal ball that you would come to save us. You must return the conch shell to the sunken city. Return it to the depths, for if you don't, a creature of undeniable horrors will rise.

Whoa. I mean, that sounds easy enough. We know where it is. So we may see this artifact. Yeah. And touch it? Well, we have to, right? We gotta take it back? Yes, yes. We must carry it with us. Easy. Yeah, no problem. Barely an inconvenience. Return it to the ancient ruins of a long-dead empire. This is why we die. To fulfill our grand purpose. Fight thee. Yes. Maybe you didn't die after all.

That's what I've been saying this whole time! Maybe you are the one who leadeth into paradise. What makes her so special? If you do not return the conch shell, the abyss that beckons will awake, and all of Druskinvald will perish. All dead, including Baitzi.

"Especially Bightsy." Oh wow! I told you! I'm not dead! Is that true? Bightsy is the most dead! That's not true! Bightsy's the most dead! No, she's totally dead. Bightsy was dead first and dead four longer than the rest. Look at how dead she is. I don't know what the Truskenwald is. "The land on which you walk." Whoa! "These still ones." Yes. "When they are reborn and they sing into the streets of the City of Mist Church."

More of a town. The town? The town. The town. The town. The town. The town. Maybe a village. Village. More of a village. Village. Village. Village of Mist Church. Yes. Are they still full of blood? I don't believe that anyone has attempted to drink their blood. We must solve this mystery. We will solve it and then there's going to be wine, Bitsy.

Just so I'm understanding correctly, with the abyss that waits below, is it in the water? The abyss that beckons. Yeah, some horrific monster thing is what we're worried about. It is an indescribable horror that descends upon me, Church. Then I will not ask you to describe it. I could not even, should you ask? I'm not asking. I'm not worried about it. It's indescribable, Church. These senses cannot, these senses have no way to understand the creature that exists. I believe you. I'm having trouble picturing it.

It's indescribable. We're gonna find the conch shell and we're gonna send it back and we're gonna have no problem, right? Easy. Easy. It could be fine. What is a conch shell? Stare into the pearlescent. That's a good question. I don't even know. I mean, I'm picturing what I think the shell looks like, but I have no idea.

And he does.

Jake. He does. Roll over. He does. See? He's very well behaved and he trusts you or he wouldn't even listen. Kind of like lead him around. Come over along. Please we have friends. He doesn't play dead. He just sits there and looks at you confused. Reach for the sky. He puts his paws up.

Bang! And then he falls over. Good boy! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I got one, I got one! Quickly negotiate peace between two small, uh, war-torn countries! Wow!

You see him in lots of portraits. He's got a quill on paper. He's writing a treaty. He's shaking hands. He's like a general now. Yeah. Wow. She really is good. I pull out a piece of cheese and I feed it to Hanson. Good boy. Good boy. Look at that. See? It's moldy dead cheese, but yeah, you're able to feed it to him. He seems to like it well enough.

It is very clear that Fortuna is not paying any attention to the things that you are doing as she is continually communing with her crystal ball and leading you through the swampy marsh. You eventually feel that the ground beneath you is getting sturdier as you make your way

into land that is not as waterlogged, up and up and up, clearly towards something on the pinnacle of a cliff face.

She doesn't have much to say as she listens to you have your communications and banter about, enjoy time with Handsome Jack, before she stops you and reaches into one of her many satchels and pulls out what looks like these, what looks like almost earplugs, but in shell shape.

I'm going to need you to put these into your ears when you make your way into the town. I need bigger ones. No, you do not. They will fit to your ears. Look at the size of these fucking things. These are magical and they will work for you. All right. And you are also dead, in case you were wondering. I'm not dead. Yes, you are. I'm not. I'm alive.

All right, I'll take him here. He's here, I'm pretty sure. Maybe she is. Not just yet, you will not be able to hear me. Okay, not yet. Don't put him in yet, guys. Not yet, I passed them out. You'll put them in soon. Is there one or two? There are two, one for each ear. Oh, all right. You need to make your way into the town. Oh, I don't have any fucking ears. Yes, you do. Put them in. Not yet, though. We can't hear him. If you put them in, don't put them in yet. Okay. The still ones are in town.

They will be in town until the wee hours of the morning before they disappear back into the sea from whence they came. You will need to have these in your ears lest they gain control of you when you enter the town. And you will make your way to the Dodo's Nest, the tavern, the very height of town. It looks out over the sea. Dodo's Nest, all right, yes. The innkeeper will be able to put you up with room and board for the evening.

You are welcome to tell him that you met me on the outskirts of town and that I saw that you are the saviors of Miss Church that I have seen beyond the stars. I'm not sure what he will know but I don't travel into town so he will be the best source of information you have. You will need to find a way to gain entry into the historical society and access the conch shell. You must return it soon. You keep mentioning

Seeing beyond the stars. You remind me of asking what you're seeing beyond the stars? Oh, good question, good question. That which my vision allows me to see. The past, future. Perhaps like a giant orange eye or a small vermilion teeth? No. Thousands of gibbering fish heads, nothing like that? No. No, all right, just me, okay. No? Nothing like that? Just you! And there is one more thing I should warn you of. Recently, tears in the sky

have been showing visions of other places and Rusk involved as well as dimensions beyond this one. When these episodes happen, the people of Mists Church are overcome with madness. There is nothing that can stop it. But it seems to only last for a while, though it is getting stronger, which is why we believe that if this is not resolved soon, the abyss that beckons will arise.

Time is of the essence. Okay, don't you worry. I've never seen four more mentally sound people in my life. This is solvable. We can make this. You're all like baby pogs where you can't keep your eyes straight. My rat folk is like a rivet buck team. Patches of hair missing. Yeah, I'm mange. Yeah.

Handsome Jack is pristine, but you are definitely not doing well. You think that storm's going to come back? That is the fear, yes. Well, gosh, I hope there isn't thunder, because I have a phobia of that. It's scary. It's really scary. Okay, we're going to go into town now.

- I'm gonna look, oh my God, look at that fucking moon! - Oh my God! - What the fuck? We are in hell! - You guys just live like this? How do you live on that thing? - You look at that and as you turn around, you see that where the seaweed seer had been, there is nothing but mist. - All the dogs couldn't look up! - You gotta be kidding me, she's gone! - Oh my gosh! - She's gone! - Oh, Fortuna.

That's very funny to say, Feisty. Anyways... Ow. Okay, I'm sorry I got... I'm just very skittish after dying in the terrible train accident when all I had to do was drink a pitcher of tall, cool Budweiser. I don't know why I picked the train accident. I'm just a little on edge. I'm sorry, Handsome Jack. I'm sorry, Moon.

This is a very... But I gotta say, walking along this spooky marsh with eldritch things beyond the stars, it feels like I could perhaps weave my own atmospheric folk horror tale. I wish that something like this was included in a product that could be pre-ordered at thecrookedmoon.com. He's going off on another tangent. I don't know what he's talking about.

Thecrookedmoon.com, you say? That's what I feel like. I wish that something like this could be perhaps pre-ordered and enjoyed at thecrookedmoon.com. What's a dot com?

You know what? It's not very clear. Not clear. Just the crookedmoon.com. The crookedmoon.com. Is it related to all the polka dots you have on? Oh, that's what it is. That's exactly right. Do I have to use the www protocol? That's the best. What's a protocol? That's the best part. You don't, Betsy. You can just go to the crookedmoon.com right now and pre-order all of this amazing atmosphere today. It's almost like www doesn't need

on any website. It's an old protocol and people should stop promoting it. For every website. It never works. Stop it. Bindi, what the fuck are you talking about? These work really well. I can't smell a thing. All right. All right. Hold on. Ah!

Look, do you think the people in this place just get used to living under that thing? I mean, like, how many nights do you think we have to spend here before we stop looking up and screaming in horror at that horrific face? It goes away eventually. What do you mean eventually? You just woke up here. It takes centuries, but eventually you get used to it. I mean, I don't know. I have no idea. All right. Fair enough. You know, I'm kind of...

You know, I usually, I know I was taught in school that I wasn't supposed to make fun of how people talk. Yes. But you kind of have a stupid accent. I'm sorry.

- The moment you smack Bitsy's head, you hear a strange sound. It is a mix between what sounds almost like the sea roiling and bubbling and the sounds of ripping and tearing as you see a shower of stars all over the place.

in this strange pearlescent glow pierce and rend the sky itself. You see these tears open up and in some of them is a swirling mass of purples, blues, and pinks. In others, you glimpse what looks to be an arid desert filled with canyons.

Another looks to be snowy mountain peaks. Another lush farmland. All of these different areas shrouded by the light of a silvery moon. And some of them, depending on the angle, you even see replicas of that strange moon that you see in the sky now, just in different places in the sky all at once. And I need you all to roll a d20 for me, please. Oh! Oh!

There's the guy with the lisp. Thank you, I'm not the only one who heard it. Well, Scrim got a five. Do you with me? Oh, Tuckle, say the word "lisp".

Lisp. That's not how you say it. Oh, fck you, knee-printer. You know, it's funny, every time I say the phrase "mythral filver" I feel the same way, if you know what I'm saying. Suffering Thuggerdash. I am so sore I can't sit up straight. It's a long joke. I'll tell it later. Ask me on brief.

- Scrim, you got a five. - Yeah, I just, I can't open up things on this laptop because the double click doesn't work. So I'm gonna have to be here for a minute while I go, there we go, it finally opened. You got a five? - Yes. - Your attention, Scrim, is turned towards one of these,

one of these tears in the sky that is swirling with purple, pinks and blue colors. It looks like the space between the stars. And in it reflected, you see bits of what look like this land that you're in, this marshy coastal land that even though I don't think I said it out loud that the seaweed seer would have referred to as Old Marsh itself,

And as you stare into this, you feel madness creeping up into your mind. I need you to roll a d10 for me, please. Gladly. I got 10. That's good money. You believe the stars are trying to tell you their secrets, but you can only hear their whispers when someone else is speaking, and their whispers become nearly impossible to hear. It's very frustrating. Ah.

Oh, anyway, bitsy. Shhh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh,

You know, the seer sure can see a lot. Did they give you eldritch knowledge? Stop! Chuckles, what did you get? A nightmare. I need to go! I know. An 18. I got an 18. You look up to where Scrim is looking and you

I see a similar chair, that's swirling colors of pinks, purples, blues, and the reflection of Olmarsh therein just faintly. I need you to roll a d10 for me, please. A d10 roll? Yeah, if you get a 10, reroll. Eight. You believe you can see into the fourth dimension. Clay just converted all of us instantly. I don't know how he did it, but he's converted all of us. Guys, you see a two!

I can see it. The Elder Ones. The one thing that I was destined to see. Jesus Christ. The one thing that the seer herself could not. The seaweed seer could not. What? What is it? The seer could see a lot. She could not see what I see. I can see. I can see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Wow. Clayton, what did you get? I got a 16.

Okay, similarly you look into the same, you look up to where Chuckles is seeing what no one else can see and I need you to roll a d10. D10. Seven. Your limbs and hair turn into thrashing tentacles that you have no control over and act as if they have a mind of their own.

He was right he's changing I'm ready

I'm ready, my lord. Oh gosh, he's doing the jellyfish dance with SpongeBob SquarePants. Okay, whoever said Clayton Thulu is hilarious. That's so funny. I want those who help themselves. No, no, this is just the beginning. This is not the end. I am ready.

- A bite-see, what did you get? - Six. - Ah, serve you a meal! - Oh, finally, a different one. A bite-see, you are distracted by Clayton's flailing about as you watch as this curseborn is every single hair on his body is turned into a wriggling tentacle. He has a mass of wriggling tentacles. - He looks like a kush ball. - He really does.

You are distracted enough that your vision turns to a different tear in the sky where you see what looks to be a city at twilight towering

towering townhouses or row houses, cobblestone streets, smokestacks billowing with steam or smoke. You see people milling about beneath the crooked moon as they go about their business. The sounds of canes tapping along the... Canes and heels tapping along the cobblestone. The city itself looks almost quaint and comfortable.

But what you begin to see is anything but that. I need you to roll a d6 for me, please. Ooh! Four. Well, okay, so this one doesn't work because it's you. You have an insatiable thirst for blood, so I'm gonna have you re-roll that, because that's just already what you have. A six. I have to make you re-roll that one, too. Edwardia's the worst one for you, because so many of them are blood-related. Three.

Blood begins to pour from your eyes.

They have the true masters of the universe. *laughs*

"We must return the conch shell to the ancient empire. They need it." Can you move? "It's been stolen from them, yes. I can walk around like Squidward, basically. So I have two big tentacles and then all of my hair are like little tentacles on my big tentacles." That's horrifying! "I start walking and I have the like Squidward sound effect." You do. "Yep. Uh...

To the dodo! And I will lead everybody to get on with this fucking race in 952. And you're what? Towards the fat dodo or the whatever it was called. The dodo's nest? The dodo's nest. The dodo's nest.

- I don't know, that sounds like a pretty good in name. - Okay, you announce this as you begin to start to move towards town. The moment that you step out of the fog, you immediately hear the sounds of an ethereal melody coming up off of the sea, carried in by the wind.

your mind feels weakened. - Do I remember the warning? - Oh yeah. - Oh, immediately I would think about old Tuna and I'd stick my- - Old Fortuna. - Old Fortuna. And I would stick the earplugs in my ears as I start to feel that my brain is going a little bit. - That's all cute. - You stick them in your ears and immediately,

You, um, there's complete silence. What are we supposed to be holding? Oh no, they stopped. I got one. One's good enough, right? No, no, you have to plug the other one. It's probably fine. Oh wait, I'm a doll.

I got it.

The true servant of the older ones. Here I am thinking that I had it bad as a giant rat and a spooky, scary clown spider. This is fucked up. They decode the big thing.

You all hear nothing but silence. I can't hear anything with these in my ears. What? What? What? What? What? I can't hear anything with these in my ears. I said I can't hear anything, Bitsy. I can't hear anything with these in my ears. I used message, and you hear that perfectly. And the moment you hear that in your head, you once again hear the whispering from beyond the stars. Shh! Be quiet! Shh!

It stopped. Why does it do that? You make your way towards the edge of town and you immediately see what you had been warned of. There are about 30...

All of, in varying, you see some humans, you see mostly what appear to be these fish-like people where they're humanoid faces but fish-like creatures, aquatic features. You see some crab-like, you see some shrimp-like, some...

encrusted in coral. They're all wildly different and varying colors. It's quite beautiful to behold if it weren't for the fact that all of them were standing completely still. All of their faces emotionless from the mouth up, but their mouth itself is cocked to the side in a strange, unnatural smile.

They're all staring in one direction, looking towards a tall building made out of cobblestone, much larger than the rest. Very clearly a well-made building, a lot of money put into it, a large courtyard outside of it, benches where people could read, multiple stories, all of the other buildings.

looking are dwarfed in comparison to this one. A large sign on the front of it reading the Miskatonia Historical Society. Every single one of these entities or these people stand there and just stare at this building. None of them motion to you, look towards you, even recognize that you're there.

And you feel the wind coming up over the cliffside and winding its way through the streets here. You continue to look around as you weave through these incredibly still entities. You can hear nothing. And you eventually see that up on the tallest part of the cliff, there is a two-story...

There's a two-story building held together by wood and clay and straw, and a sign on the top of it shaped like a dodo in a nest says the dodo's nest.

You are able to make your way towards this and you open the door and slowly all of you climb inside. And as you shut the door behind you in near silence, you're able to pull out your earplugs that you had been given. And immediately a wash of sound overwhelms you as you can hear the sound of music. You can hear the crackling of the fire.

You can hear the sounds of just a single pair of footsteps. And you look around to see where the music's coming from, and you see no band, you see no musician. The footsteps appear to be coming from overhead, and they sound hurried. But aside from that, the sound begins to slowly die down as your ears adjust to being able to hear noise again. And just as quickly as you acclimate,

to this you see um what is a very tall human man but his skin is slightly grayish slightly bluish almost waterlogged almost as if the body itself had been drowned and the color had never fully come back to to the flesh but he looks healthy he looks

alive or as alive as you are, as alive as anyone can be. The overalls he's wearing are covered in bits of algae and bits of coral and other things. His hair is graying in many areas and is what

Looks like a strawberry blonde in life. He's got wrinkles furrowing his brow, dark bags under his eyes, but the smile on his face is genuine and extends to his eyes. As he looks at you, he slaps his knee. I can't believe it. I actually have someone coming to the inn to stay the night. Please tell me you got coin and you're looking for some rest. How do you do like them men? It is good to meet you.

Elijah Olmsted at your service. He reaches out his hand to shake yours. Mr. Olmsted, I'm Professor Clayton Aswell. It is lovely to meet you. It's a pleasure to meet you. Unfortunately, we have no coin. He clasps your hand happily and then you see his face fall. Eli, to my friends, you don't have any coin. Well, it depends. How much is it to stay the night and maybe get a nice round of drinks? For all four of you. And why, Brandon? Well...

be five copper a piece for the night so then a copper a piece for the for the drinks and and the food all right hold on i think i might let me take a look that's awfully generous but unfortunately we have no coins and i pull out two gold pieces his eyes i found them they're my last two gold pieces though i couldn't take both of them but

I could take one and give you the change. Take them both and we're going to drink all night. He reaches out and you can see this look of melancholy on his face for a second. It's a sadness and a happiness all at once. And as he's trying to process his emotions and he holds tight to him. I can't thank you enough. Eli, like I said, Eli to my friends. My name is Scrimm. It's lovely to meet you, Scrimm.

We've got Professor Clayton Azran, Scrim, your name, little lady? They call me Bitesy. Well, that's key. You got blood streaming down your face. Uh-huh.

She is of the night. - It's dry in there and he pulls out a hanky and spits on it and wipes the blood off. And he doesn't seem perturbed at all when he's looking at Clayton and you realize that now that you are inside this place, the tears that had been affecting you outside seem to have completely disappeared. You realize you have not been hearing the voices. You can no longer say into the fourth dimension. The blood on your face is dry but it's not continuing to pour.

and the tentacles that had been emerging from your body have all but disappeared. Wait a minute, why? All that ended as soon as we came, we were... You should have seen him outside! Was it real? Oh, by the gods. Oh yeah, I wouldn't recommend going outside at night. Not at all. I lost every bone I had. Every bone. Oh, terrible.

Um, anyways, uh, thanks for having us. Why does this place smell like low tide? Well, that's because for the longest time we've been basically at a low tide. Ever since that sunken city became not so sunk no more. The sea's been receding and receding and receding.

Does anybody know the nature of this city? Its history? Where it came from? The sunken one? Yes. I mean, I imagine the people over at that building of learning over there, all them archaeologists, they probably know something about it, but...

I don't know much. That's exactly what the seer told us. Yeah? Oh, you talked to the seer? Yeah, we met some wonderful woman who could see in the dark. The feed weed seer. Yeah, she was also blind, but she could see. It was crazy. She told us that the stars brought us here and that we were dead, and now we're here to save everybody. She's been here for as long as I've known. She never comes into town. Oh. It's always been nice to me any time I've seen her out and about, but...

A lot of folks around here don't like her much. She was nice to us. She also disappeared when we got close to the town, so... She helped us pass all of the gibbering townsfolk. Oh, that's right. She gave us these nifty earplugs. Yeah, what's with that crazy music? Well, it's been coming off all the waters for about a fortnight now, ever since that, like I said, that sunken city, since it arose out of the depths. At first, it was just music coming off of the water. And then, after those...

Those folks of higher learning went out there and started messing around on that island. That's when all the trouble started. Is a fortnight really 40 days? Yes. Yes, it is. It is? 40 days. It's 40 days? Yeah. It's right there in the name. It's fortnight. It's 40 days. Where does that music come in from? It's 40 days.

- Oh, you want me to turn it off or you wanna listen to something else? - No, no, just turn it off. Turn it off. - I'm sorry. And he clearly dropped some sort of spell. - Oh. - What, if I may ask, do we know what happened to the original guy who brought back the conch shell?

Well, what we do know is they sent out about 15 of those archaeologists. Only one of them returned. The guy with the shell? Yeah. Is he here? Is he around? He was the first one of them. And he looks out the window. Does he still live? Maybe see the shell? Must see the shell. The shell's being housed over at that, uh...

That, uh, historical society. Well, then we should not waste any more time. We should go see the shell right away. Well, I think we have to- Well, they're closed right now, but you can probably see it in the morning. We have wine coming. I mean, even the seer told us that we needed to wait for all of those people to leave, and they'll leave in the morning. Everything closes early these days, ever since the song started on the waves.

to swarm things closed at least an hour or two later before that. I found an extra gold piece. I gave it to the guy. We'll get some drinks. We'll relax. Look, we died. We owe it to ourselves. Let's treat ourselves a little bit. All right. Treat yourself. All right. It can wait until the morning. He very quickly brings over a large decanter of ale, multiple bottles of wine and glasses, huge bowls of stew, a large chunk of meat,

and plates piled high with different types of fish and seafood. You are getting the full king's feast, you're getting the captain's feast with the money that you paid and it is, your table is laden with food. - You know Chuckles, I've been thinking, if you look like that and you are some tall, handsome investment banker who is on his way to a date,

I've just been thinking. Deep down, I got a feeling that in my past life, I was 6'4". Yeah. Athletic. Yeah. And I think I was part of a rowing team for some sort of higher education. Probably. University. Yeah. Yeah. I just know it. I mean, why else would I be reborn as a stinky, smelly, mangy rat? A fellow learned man? I had to

Oh, a stinky, smelly, mangy rat. Maybe you were in culinary school. Oh, it's certainly possible. I mean, who's to say? I just have a feeling that I was tall and beautiful and athletic and I rode for a college somewhere.

Yeah, I think that we all were. Yes. Maybe not you, Betsy. Before I was killed, I was alive and I did things that the live people do. Well, I'll drink to that. I'll drink to that. I will drink to that. Cheers. Cheers.

Is this fucking Merlot? Do you want something other than Merlot? Who the fuck do you take us for? We're not going to drink this shit. Take it back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I haven't had anyone. Why are you drinking goddamn Merlot? I haven't had anyone stay in here in a while. Oh my God. I'm sorry. And he grabs it. Do you know how much he paid you?

What do you want? I'll get you whatever you want. If you could give us a tablet of blood, that would be fantastic. His face gets really red. I'm sorry, what? I thought that this was a better town. Oh my God. You're embarrassing us. Oh, you bring in some good shit. Do you need to make a scene? Yes. Why? Do you know who I am?

None of us do. Well, neither do I. That is a genuine question. I don't know who I am. And I need the fucking wine. All right. I'll get you something else. Is a Pinot Grigio going to be all right? Oh, God. I'll take it. You'll have to do. Cabernet Sauvignon, guys.

I got that. It'll have to do. Which one? Oh, just, you don't even know. Go. It's all right. Don't worry. He's a little temperamental these days. I'm sorry. Don't apologize. You've done nothing wrong. I haven't had people stay in here for a while. I've lost. It's okay. The ale is lovely. And I'm sure the brandy is nice too. It's very nice. But just when you come back, just bring him another glass of Merlot. Just don't tell him it's Merlot. He'll drink it. He won't know the difference. Just put it in a different bottle. Yeah.

- Yes, yes, yes. - I assume the Cheddar Bay biscuits will be on the house after such a faux pas. - Yes, just the Merlot and the blood and the biscuits, that'll be all. - The what? - The Merlot and the biscuits. - Oh, sure, yeah, all right. And as he goes in the back, and you can hear the sound of the glug, glug, glug as he's clearly pouring the wine into another bottle.

And he brings out an uncorked bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and puts it down in front of you, as well as some cheddar biscuits covered in whatever that shit is that Barnabas uses. Ancient estuary. Thank you, ancient estuary. Do you want to eat ball snacks? There's a variable pace. Can we get a pop cup? We need two pop cups. All right.

It was a free, right? It was a free, right? Eventually, after the mix-up. I'll

I'll go figure it out, I'm sorry. Don't forget the ball snacks. Hand him Jack and Professor Cleet Lanthra and eat the pup cup right away. I think it would be faster if we rolled for initiative, killed this guy, and then moved on. He goes in the back and you can hear the sound of him sobbing for like five minutes before he gets himself together and he comes out with what is two very large pup cups.

One for Clayton, one for Handsome Jack, as well as a bunch of bar snacks. There's some trail mix that he clearly put together. A bowl of peanuts. It's on my nose, isn't it? Damn, this is good. What do they put in these things? This is the good shit. Oh, God. You had just checked me with all...

It's off-brand Czech. It's all fucking pretzels. It's homemade. I made that. What are boss nuts? Why is it 80% fucking pretzels? I love pretzels. You won't listen.

I want those weird long but flat kind of seasoned crackers. They don't taste good. Yeah, they don't taste good. Okay, all right, well done. They're always stale. Is there anything else that I can get you? No, no, this is lovely. I'm so sorry for the inconveniences. It's all right. The coral fish are almost done. They've just finished their protein shakes and they're doing their cool down. That's when they're best.

Oh, you're letting them get their final pump before you. I mean, the bra doesn't taste the best if they don't get their final pump. That's right. Wow, that's unlocked a strange memory. Yes. Unlocked a gas that tastes good. Something about pumping. Nope, it's gone. I don't know what it's going to say. A memory stirs. Yeah, it's gone. It stirs.

And he goes back into the other room, and you can hear him once again sobbing as he is slowly picking all of the pretzels out of the trail mix. And you can hear the sounds of him making the bar snacks, the flat biscuit, cracker, chip-like food. And...

You finally hear the sounds of the Carlfish workouts die down as they, um... All the plagues are out. As they excrete their final pump. And you can hear them being plated up and brought out to the table. Wow.

This place is a fucking dome. Did you say that as he sets everything down? No wonder they call it the Dodo's Nest. Yeah, this place should have gone extinct 200 years ago. I just wanted to say...

"Bad for me and my late family that really haven't had yet the No-No's Nest." And he turns and he walks back into the kitchen. "Goodbye, whatever your name is." Yeah. Uh oh. God, that guy was a fucking corpse. He didn't know he was making our food. That was an experience.

After this, we must rest so that we can take on the day. Well, we've got the rooms, so whenever we're ready, we can just go to sleep. I'm sure the beds aren't even going to be down. Down where? Down. The beds will be down. Down from where? Down. Like down on the ground. Like Murphy bed style. They won't be up. They'll be down. Oh, I like that.

It would be a hassle to have to do this. Oh, where's my music? That's why it's been so weird. Thank God I got rid of that fucking mer- whoa. Is that an improvement, Chuckles? Oh, it's heaven. It'll do, I suppose. Yeah, I don't know that being as haughty and proud is perhaps a tenet of being a silk-born...

One of 13 lineages that might be able to be enjoyed in the Crooked Moon, which can be pre-ordered at thecrookedmoon.com. Playable lineages. Yes, exactly right. 13 of them. You can learn all about my lineage in that book. It's a baker's dozen. A baker's dozen of lineages. Why do they call it a baker's dozen? Because it's more than 12 and less than 14. What does that have to do with being a baker?

Just throw an extra one in there because I'm a baker. And it ceases to be a dozen. Why would the baker care about the dozen in the first place? You wouldn't call 41 a baker's fortnight. That's pretty good. He's got a really good point. I like that, though. They should. Why? Why not? Why does a 13 need its own thing? Because it's spooky. You're right, it is spooky. Okay. I have another glass of...

Not Merlot, Juggles. Oh my god. Each of the six eyes blink slowly. Yeah, off-kilter. After a while, one suckles out of you. This is some good-ass shit. So Juggles, you know, ever since you mentioned it, I've been awfully curious. Why don't you hit us with one or two of your famous catchphrases?

What do you think? I'm the house! Well, I mean, I don't just do any of my catchphrases. Well, we don't have any coin. I spent it all. And for drinks, for food. For your drinks, and for your car for stew. And for lodging. And you'd have to pay a cent. The least you could do for poor Scrim, poor generous Scrim, is to hit him with one or two of your most famous catchphrases. I'm ready. Oh, uh, make it with Wavinger.

At advantage, because you've softened me up. I'm a saucy boy. I'm a saucy spider. That's pretty good. Uh, I think it was a 16. Saucy spiders scare me. 16. Oh, 16. One of my classic, iconic chuckle catchphrases. You really want to know? Yes, I'm dying to know. Oh, okay, fine. Hey, it's me, Chuckle.

Who ordered the fish and chips? Woah woah woah! Wait, that's it? That's your famous Chuckles catchphrase? That's one of my iconic catchphrases. That sucks! That wasn't good at all! Who cares, be serious! That's Chuckles now! That's one of my- you didn't even have to pay for Venmo, you didn't have to Venmo me five bucks for that one. We bought you like six bottles of wine! That's pretty good. That's all we've got. Who ordered the fish and chips? That's just one of them.

I said I'd only do one for one pro bono. Alright. Well, I guess you... My disappointment is immeasurable. My day is ruined, Clayton. My day is ruined. So is mine. Maybe he's saving the best for last. Then eventually we'll hear the good ones. If I don't do one more for nothing. Okay. We got a skeet handle. Check, please.

What? That- check, check please? That's the best you've got? That's one of my iconic Chuckie catchphrases. That one I'm gonna have. Clayton, I feel like we've been, we've been hacked. I think he's full of shit. I don't think he has any iconic catchphrases. No, they're iconic where I come from. It's where otherwise, you know, I wouldn't... Where do you come from? Uh, uh, I think I told you my backstory, my origin. No, but where?

Oh, where? Me? Or my lineage of Druskinvults can be found in the Crooked Moon pre-order now at crookedmoon.com? You! Oh. You know, it wasn't very clear. I have a lot of different backstories. I think, I think it came from like this great big city, and then I was like trying to get this orange cat, and...

There was a whole pack of stray dogs that was really thwarting me and I got really angry driving on one side and then a train just got me and that's how I ended up here. I don't think we'll ever know, Scrim. No, no matter how much we try to get it out of him, I don't think it's, I don't think he knows. I don't think he knows. I think he's making these up. I'm tired. I think that I will make my way to bed now.

and I turn into a pool of blood and make my way out. What in the hells? Oh no, I've seen that before. Have you? I don't know why, but yes, I have. A memory stirs. Blood? I must think. I must think! Goodnight. Alright, well, I'm going then. Come on, Handsome Jack. Before you go, Scrim. Oh yeah, of course.

I just wanted to say it's been a real pleasure. I'm glad that fellow learning man and academic could join me and help keep me somewhat sane with our two traveling companions. Well, you know, I wish I could remember more. I think I was in a play once. Maybe I was an artist. An actor. An actor? Maybe. Yes, a Renaissance man! A singer? I had a feeling! A singer and an actor? I think I was in a play once.

I think I knew you in a past life. Really? Yeah, I think I knew... We knew each other in a past life. I was... That's why I'm a spider.

I was a spider and there was some pig that was there and you were singing a whole song about eating a smorgasbord. Oh. And you were the rat and I'm a spider and we were best pals. Well, I mean, that kind of checks out, I believe you. And then there was a chartwarming ending and I fucking died at the end. Oh. I fucking died. Chuckles, I think you've had a little too much. I think I've heard in his catchphrase, his circle gets the square.

Yeah! He's one of his charming iconic cats. He was the Tic Tac Toe champion. Everybody fucking knows that. All right, Chuckles, I think it's time for bed. Go to bed, Chuckles. Tic-Tac-Tic-Toc-Tic-Toc-Tic-Toc-Toc-Tic-Toc. Good night, Scrim. Good night, Professor Clayton. It's a pleasure. I'll turn my back. As I leave in your head, you'll hear, Trust is your weakness. LAUGHTER

What the fuck? And I'm just walking up the stairs. I gotta get out of this place. I'll walk, I'll see the stairs and instead all of my legs will stick their floppy clouds. And I'll just hang from the ceiling. I just pass out while I'll spill down.

Lovely. I find a room with Handsome Jack, and we curl up. Yeah, you each were given a key by Eli, and you find lodgings. They're small and quaint lodgings. This isn't a huge tavern. I didn't need a key, so I just went underneath the first door. There was a person in that one? Yeah, a whole family with children. I just crawled into the fucking bed. Everything's soaked in blood.

They didn't wake up. They wake up and find their child, like, laying in a pool of blood. Oh, I'm so glad we spent every penny, every copper piece we had for a family vacation to Miss Church. Nothing bad could happen. It's all too... Oh! There's blood everywhere! The horse scene from The Godfather. Jesus!

- Oh, Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishers. - But you all find your rooms, you do what you need to do before bed and sleep comes to all of you and you enjoy a long rest. - Thank God. - Completely undisturbed. - Thank God. - You wake up in your individual rooms, you can smell the cooking from downstairs. Clearly Eli had gotten up early and

began to make breakfast. There was no family in the room with Bitsy as you were the only people staying in the tavern. - It's part of the plot. - But it does seem, even after the antics of last night, that Eli is still so incredibly happy to have guests at the Dodo's nest that he is, you can hear the sound of him whistling as he works.

I walk out of my bedroom and in the hallway up in the corner of the ceiling is this giant web. Yeah. And Chuck is like shriveled up dead. You can see like a dead spider that's been there for a while. What's the message that Charlotte leaves? I can't remember what the word is. So big. There's some final message. I can't remember.

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And you hear the commotion downstairs as Eli is bustling about to prepare breakfast for his guests. And you all, at very similar times, spill out of your rooms into the stairwell that leads, or into the hallway that leads towards the stairwell and down into the tavern proper. I feel refreshed. Ah, yeah, well, you know, what an evening, especially after you turn into a puddle of blood.

Oh yeah, how did you do that? What the hell was that, Bitsy? I sometimes turn into puddles of blood. Not everyone does this. No, nobody does that. Do you even have blood? I was bleeding from my eyes. I know, but you're a fucking doll. I seem to have much blood in me. A vital well of blood. Remember when she peeled off her face too? Good lord. Oh, she didn't bleed then. That's true.

I keep my blood in secret places. Apparently your eyeballs. Secret blood pouches. And I can turn into blood. Well, hopefully that comes in handy when we eventually have to kill a bunch of people. It may or may not come in handy in combat.

Should probably leave. Yeah. Yeah. I bet there's lots of people outside. Well, we should peek outside first, make sure we don't hear that song. Oh, yeah. Make sure all those people that are standing there like statues are gone. Yep. All right? Yep. I still have my plug for my ears. Good, just in case. Just make sure they go in your ears. We don't want you losing one again.

No. That's the danger of not having a flared base. We're not going back to the ER, Binthi. I put them into my ears. If the ER had a dollop every time they heard somebody slipped and fell, okay? What? We're not doing it. We're not doing it again, Binthi. I peek out the window. You peek out the window and you see that all of the people that you had seen the night before are no longer in the streets.

There are a few people milling about, but the town feels mostly empty. I think we're in the clear. All right. So this should be easy, right? We're gonna waltz right on over to that historical society. You're gonna, like, talk to them. You know how to speak to them. Exactly right. I could do the talking. I've forgotten everything about my academics, so you're on your own, but I'll be there to back you up morally. I remember some things. Not much, but I know my way around the university. And then we just find this shell.

I mean, throw it back in the ocean, right? Easy peasy. No. No? No, you will not throw it back into the ocean. We have to return it to where it came from. Yes, its final resting place. On the Risen Reef. The ancient city. Okay. We're on the same page. Exist. Long after we are all gone. Okay. Well, to be fair, I mean, we apparently all died and we're not gone. So maybe after we die here, we go to another place. Unlikely.

Oh. I believe it's the Eternity of Oblivion. Wait, like, this is a pit stop before there's absolutely nothing forever? This is our last chance. Nah, I don't believe that. That sounds like a bum deal. Which is why we must please the Elder Ones. Okay, we can do that. Well, I am already pledged to the Great Fool. Well, consider betraying your master. For a greater one.

Let's go meet some archaeologists. I have all these cool fucking powers! See that rope? Whoa. Whoa! You're just holding a rope. You're like trying to do like, lasso tricks. I've never seen a non-warlock do this cool ass shit, Clayton! Just swing a rope around. Alright, I'm gonna follow Clayton now. This is ridiculous. I'm not staying here with chuckles. Well, I'm coming too!

We leave, we go through those and then-- You make your way outside and you see that the people that are milling about, the handfuls of them, are constantly looking up towards the sky. There is clearly a storm that's brewing. The wind that's coming up off of the sea is much heavier than it was the day before. The smell of the salty sea air is much more pungent than it was the day prior.

and occasionally lightning will crack the sky far off in the distance over the sea, and every time it does, you can feel the stillness as the people completely stiffen up as they look towards the sky, almost in waiting. You notice that some of them run towards buildings and stop and realize that nothing's happened and continue about what they're doing.

None of them pay any attention to you as you make your way through the town and head towards the large cobblestone building

towards the center of town. The courtyard outside is no longer empty. You notice that there are two, what appear to be young, maybe students that are looking over a large, modeled tome and talking amongst themselves. They don't even look up as your footsteps approach.

You see that the door, these two arched doors, or this arched doorway with two doors in, one of them is swung open. The other one is closed as if it's welcoming visitors. But you see no one milling about, no one making their way towards the space, though it looks the most welcoming of any place in town. Excuse me! The door's open.

I want to knock on the open door, like announcing, "Hello, we're coming in!" Your voice echoes throughout the inside, and you see that just inside the entranceway, behind a small desk, is a mousy, almost seahorse-like woman. She has fins on her ears, her neck is elongated, gills extending down, ribbing and

and scales that are shift in the light between these beautiful turquoise and purples. As she looks up at you with inky black eyes, she adjusts her glasses and she looks out towards you. What are you doing here? You don't belong here. - Yes, I do. - Do you have an appointment? - No, but we are here. - We don't have anyone scheduled to sit down.

To be here for one whole week. Our mission is of dire importance. Oh, yes? It is of the utmost urgency that we meet with the archaeologists of this university. The archaeologists aren't scheduled to be here for a week. We were sent by the stars. That's just ridiculous. The stars don't send anybody. They were sent by all Fortuna Divine, the seaweed pier. Sure, absolutely.

Oh, that's not nice. She's a lovely woman. She was the ruling ninth lady. She said we came down in a comet. Do you have an appointment with Lenora? Yes, of course we do. Yes? Yes. What's the appointment regarding and what name is it under? It's regarding the magical conch shell and it could be under one of our many aliases. Yes. The magical conch shell? Yes. The ancient conch shell.

Eldritch. From the name of the city? Beneath the waves. Oh, one of the artifacts from the city. Upon the black reef. Yes. One that sings. Hello? Over here? Why are you staring off into nothing? May we see this conch shell, please? I can't give you permission, but I can see if Lenora has a spot available for you today. Let me see. Hey, look at me.

- You better give it the fucking appointment. - Wow, wow, wow. - I guess command. - Excuse me. - Excuse you. - She immediately stops talking and her eyes go just swirling inky blackness.

I use my silken legacy racial feature to cast command. Okay. Oh. That I unlocked at third level. Okay. How does this work? I'm commanding her to give us a fucking point. Do I get to roll against it? Oh, yes. It's a save, I believe. A save against my spell save DC, which is on my handy dandy iPad. Is it higher than a seven? No, it's a 16.

It is I that is having a s60. Wow! That's not how that works! No, it was actually yes. Immediately, her mouth drops open. We have an appointment. Immediately. Oh, as I expected. That's what I thought. Yes, my apologies. If you could wait one moment in the... I'll escort you in. That's just fine. We'll wait right here. Perfect. I will let her know that you're here.

Excellent. That's right. Thank you for coming. You're welcome. She kind of just stands there for a minute. The command being what it was, she gave the appointment, but she's struggling to move and actually execute the appointment. It takes a moment, but her eyes clear back out and she... Oh, I have you right here in the books. An appointment almost immediately. As we've heard. That's...

That's so strange. I don't remember that being there. My apologies, my apologies. No offense taken, but I did-- Please take a seat. As I insisted. Please take a seat. I'll let her know that you're here. And I will come to fetch you shortly.

See, if you're nice to people, and you work hard, and you're an honest individual, things just start to go your way! Or you just command the plebs beneath you to do your bidding. You can use your inherent spider magic to force them to. Well, at least have some fucking manas while you do it. I feel like I've changed into a truthful-born... And this place disgusts me.

I'm with Clayton. There's no reason to be rude or ungentlemanly. The information that you were given swirls about in your heads. That clearly these people don't think much of the Seaweed Seer. And that the tactic that you used to gain audience might not be as effective on the head of antiquities.

And so you realize that you have a small amount of time to figure out how you're going to proceed in procuring this conch shell. All right. Here's the plan. You don't fucking leave without the conch shell. All right. Do you understand? I got a lot more fucking magic where that came from. We should still try to have manners. All I'm going to say is, or else. To get down to brass tacks. I'll fucking kill for it.

Whoa, alright, let's all just take a deep breath. Yeah, you're fucking speaking too late. No, no, no. Let's take a step back. Hey, Bithy, what do you think? Are you ready to kill for this thing? This is about to be a mutiny. What?

Scream, this is our divine quest! No, no, I understand, I agree with you. You're right, we have to do everything we can to get the shell and we need to return it to where it is to save this place, to save this world. But we don't necessarily need to kill people. We'll try persuasion, then we'll try deception, then we'll try theft, and then, last...

Absolutely, plan Z. Okay. It will be murder. I think we can agree with that. I'm on board with that one. We're going to murder someone? No, no, not yet. After we try everything else. Yes. What else are we going to try? We're going to try to persuade people, and then we will try to cheat them, then we will try to steal from them,

This is sounding very familiar. Then we'll try to kill them. Only if we need to, but we're still gonna be polite. By Jove, he's got it. While we do it. All right? Are we doing this for any particular reason? Well, yeah, we need the shell, Bitsy, the shell. Yeah. The shell. Or of all of Druskinwell, it's gonna be gone or something. I don't fucking know.

The sky outside rends open and you are inside, so you do not succumb to the madness that you see happening in the streets as the few people that are out there look up in horror as their eyes focus on these individual tears and they all begin to succumb to a similar madness that you succumbed to. That sounds awful. Uh-huh.

The night prying, you know? We're gonna let that ride. I can't stop the coming! Yeah, anyway, that happens. But you're inside, so do you. What do we see around us in this building?

You see just a circular entranceway. It's almost as if you're coming into a closed off library where there's this mahogany desk. Behind it are rows of books. They look to be fairly average books, nothing special. And then on either side there are these two wooden doors that lead deeper into this space.

When the door was opened, it was the door to her left that she walked into, you were able to see what looked like a study of some kind. What would be on the opposite side, you're not sure of. But this is just stone and tall bookshelves that go all the way to the ceiling. Clearly this is a multi-story building, but this room itself is, the room extends all the way to the roof.

And your voice kind of echoes in here. This is clearly a welcoming room and only people who are allowed back into the inner chambers are allowed past these doors. So, Professor, I have to ask. Yes? Do you steal a lot or like often? What's that like? Well, I steal when I have to. As I don't know if I've mentioned, but I too am an archaeologist.

Whoa, really? Yes. So do you think these fucking archaeologists asked permission? Do you think they had some fucking deed to that conch shell? No, they just fucking took it! That's what archaeologists do! And you do this a lot? Yes, yes. It is my entire profession. No! My entire career! It's my life! I don't know if I would like stealing. It is my legacy.

Well, how do you guys know what they did in life? That seems a bit preposterous. Yes, I have no memory of what came before we woke up in the bog. What do you mean, these guys? I don't have memories either, except for when I was telling you that I'm tall and handsome and athletic. I mean, I think, I have a feeling. And I think that that person who I was wouldn't want to steal. I don't know why I'm an archaeologist or what I've stolen, but I feel it in my bones that I'd love to steal. And why do you love it so much? Does it feel good to steal?

Yes, it does. Have you, young Scrim, ever taken something that doesn't belong to you? I would never! I would never! I don't know, it's outcome fun. It's pretty fun, I will admit. I don't know if I stole anything in life, although my memory stirs. Perhaps, I recall, I died shortly after conducting one of the

Grandest casino heists in history. Yes. With ten of my closest chums. I was played by George Clooney at the time. You were played by George Clooney? The one and only. You really must have been handsome then. I was. But if you were such a successful financial banker, why did you have to steal?

That's right. It's fun to steal. Exactly right. Well, just like the professor said. It's fun, but we do it all for the sake of knowledge. Oh my goodness. And learning, isn't that right? As you say the words, it's fun to steal out loud, the door opens. No. And she walks back out. She just stands there and listens to you as you finish your speech about stealing. And then she clears her throat. We're ready for you. Well, thank you. Lead the way.

Just right through these doors. Yes, of course. We follow. She just motions for you to enter, and as you all enter, she closes the door behind you, and you can hear her as her voice fades off. What are they talking about stealing for? As the door firmly closes, and you find yourself in a grand study. There are two floors worth of books, sliding wooden...

ladders that go up to the second floor of books and in towards the very edge of the room in a circular alcove lined with windows that have been completely plastered with a film of seawater.

that faces the cliffs and the ocean. You see sitting at a desk there a squid-like woman. She is more human than squid, but her head is slightly elongated into squid-like tendrils that form her hair. Her skin looks moist and...

- And Calamari-y. - Does she look like the two parents that the Men in Black find in the car when she's giving birth to the-- - I have no idea, 'cause I don't know if I've, I mean, if I've seen Men in Black in a long, long time. - No problem. - But she, her eyes are a soft coral color. And she looks out at you through spectacles. She's wearing a,

a beige linen suit completely tailored to fit her. She looks incredibly well put together as she chews on a quill and occasionally writes a note down. But the thing that catches your eye is on her desk

on the very corner on a pedestal is what is clearly a large pearlescent conch shell. And as the light from the moon hits it, you can see that these bands of rainbow colors spread out and plaster the walls and the books. And it shifts. And as you look at it, it feels like you're seeing every color all at once and no color at the same time.

it is almost difficult to pull your eyes away from this thing. As she hums to herself a little bit and then she looks up,

Well, yes. You're here to speak to me. Greetings. About the conch shell. My name is Bitesy. What is your name? My name is Lenora. It's lovely to meet you. I'm a very busy woman and I haven't got all day. We have come to... So if you could please let me know what it is that you need. We have come to persuade you to give us the conch shell. Why, why no!

That's why I do that! How do you do? My name is Rizzo Clayton, I'm from Miss Hallery University. Do not mind the hell-hand, the man-rat, the bleeding mouse doll and the spooky spider-clown. No, I don't mind you at all. We are a group of intrepid explorers and adventurers.

And it is our divine quest to return the sacred conch shell back to its original resting place. As you see it. Oh, you know where its original resting place is? Yes, we do. On the great black reef risen from the sea. Oh, you don't say. Yes, I've done much research. And this town, I don't know if you've been outside, but the skies are opening and your poor townsfolk are going mad.

Oh yes, I know. I'm not quite concerned about that as I don't normally reside here, you see. But most of our archaeologists went missing when they went to find the resting places, Conkshell. So I find it strange that you would appear out of nowhere. Actually...

No, this might be fortuitous, but you see, there was a meteor shower last night. Yes, we were brought down by the meteor shower from the heavens. Well, that doesn't make any sense at all, but regardless of that, ever since the meteor shower, the waters have been rising. And if our calculations are correct, and quite frankly, they always are, there are only a few days before the waters rise and reclaim the lost city.

beneath the waves again. This is why time is of the essence. No, it is, because it will be exactly a week before the new archaeologists are here to pick up their research and the excavations, and I'm quite frankly on a time crunch, and if you're willing to document what you find there and bring back any other pieces of historical artifacts, anything that you think, Miss Tallory University, you say?

"Yes?" "I've never heard of the place." "This is from a very far away land." "Syndromus?" "Yes, Syndromus." "I didn't know that they had a university there." "It's a big one. Greatest in all of Druskinwald." "I'm sorry, where? Is that a county in Syndromus?" "Yeah, no, and the university is the Metalluridumples."

The Dumples. The Mighty Dumples. And our reply is, we got spirit. Oh, you're one of those. Yep. Have you ever seen a Dumble? Go Dumble! Go Dumples! Well... I form a D with all of my spider legs honking together. It's a small burrow-dwelling mammal. Have you ever seen a Dumble in the wild?

No, I've not. But I personally don't travel to Syndramas. I'm not a fan of the cold. Well, not that kind of cold. Subterranean cold. Love it. Absolutely love it. Snow, frost, ice. Not for me. While this conversation is happening, I would like to look for a small trinket or a bottle of lettuce somewhere in the room. Roll an investigation check. I got a 17. You find on one of the bookshelves a tiny...

globe. It looks very, very old. But on it, you see, you realize that it is not a globe, but not in the way that, well, you don't really remember where you're from, but you remember that there were items like this and they would show all of the places you could travel to and it was a landmass.

But this is very clearly a moon. And all of the places that you can visit are etched, carved into its surfaces as a wooden trinket. And it's very, very small, much smaller than even you would read. This is, it almost looks like a toy, but it's immaculately carved in a way that no toy would be carved. It's clearly functional, but for who?

It's hard to tell. It looks very old and very expensive. The whole time this conversation is happening, I'm still inching towards the globe and I'd like to steal it. Roll a sleight of hand for me, please. Lenora. Yes? So what you are saying is we cannot persuade you to part with the conkshare. And there is no way we would be able to cheat or steal it from you. Why on earth would you need to cheat or steal it? Oh, no, no. No, she didn't mean it.

What she mean to say is that we have a suspicion that one of us might be an owl. One of you might be a what? An owl! An owl? Yes, there's someone in this room who might be an owl. But why on... like from Ashtamar? No, just a malevolent shape-shifting owl. Yes, no. Somebody in this room... For what purpose? What does this have to do with any... Dammit, there's no time, woman! We need to share! We must go now! We have less than a week!

You have less than... Yes, far less than a week. Yes, far less! And every minute you delay us is another chance that everyone dies! I like your gumption and your moxie!

I get a 26. All this is happening. You are easily able to take it and put it into your sack. And then I inch back over to stand next to Clayton once my deed is done. I find your passion for ancient things to be quite riveting. Yes, it's ravenous. Yes, it is ravenous. I will come with you.

Well, I want to see this in person. I want to see your archaeological prowess in action. No, no, no, no. No, I must. I cannot entrust strangers with this

ancient artifact. I will carry it with you. Now come along. But what if we die? What if we were called down from the heavens on the stars and our purpose is to return the shell and we die while we're doing it? I'm very sweaty. Well, then I will have the shell and I will leave you there to rot and I will come back

to the historical society and we'll make note of everything that happened and you go down in history as the random men from the stars. - You might die too. You'd be stuck with us. - Oh no, of course not. Could never. - What? What do you mean you could never? I'm trapped, you're getting trapped. - No, I'm far too smart for that.

Haven't died yet. I mean she seems pretty confident. Maybe she's telling the truth. Should I kill her? I'm sorry, what? Who said that? I use message. Who said that? Who said what? Whoever said that now, the answer's now, not yet. You must. Not to us. You must.

But you may come. Of course I wouldn't delay you. But I think it's very important that I'm there. Only I know what has been learned about this conch shell, which quite frankly has been nothing so far. So if you have more information about it than we do, I would be most intrigued to learn it. Is there a reason you're raising your leg? Is that a leg? You're a full-grown man. You don't need to raise your hand to ask a question. Well, it's more like a spider clown, but... Yeah, I mean, I'm a spooky spider clown. I'm very marketable.

For what? He's very marketable. For what? Plushies, fairies. Oh, have you heard about the licensed video game expansions? Yes, I do. The Pico? Oh, yes, I think you'd be quite... No, we just woke up in a filthy ball. No, of course you have been. Look, you've brought your own little Piconian. We just got here, and I'm new in town.

And all I got was the clothes on my back and my-- Oh my gosh, your breath smells like Malo! My collection of iconic catchphrases is all I have to my name. Calm down, ass, they're not very good. They're about checks and things, it's not very good. No, that's fine. I was completely uninterested. Before we go, I just want to ask, you really do seem to know a lot. Yes. You know a lot a lot. Sure.

Do you know why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? I couldn't care less. So are we going to leave?

- No, right now, yes, yes, grab the shell and let us leave. - Oh, let me put my coat on. - Yes, right away. - She gets up and she slowly meanders over and takes out her coat and slowly starts to button it up. Oh, let me check, I need to check something first. She climbs up on the ladder and moves herself all along the bookshelf looking for things. It takes about 15 minutes and she finally jumps down off the ladder. Well, I can't find the book, so I guess we'll just go.

Sounds good to me. All right. Quickly. She grabs the conch shell and places it into the satchel at her hip. Lead the way. I am assuming that you have already secured a vessel to get to the island? Absolutely. I have everything planned ahead. We can head straight down to the docks, then. Yes. Lovely. Right away. Right down to the docks. I'll follow you.

As we, uh, as we walk along, uh, with a brisk pace towards where the docks are, I'll, I'll, like, sidle up next to Clayton. I'll be like, Psst! Buzzer! Buzzer! What? Look! Look what I did! What did you do? And I show you the bauble that I stole. Oh! Did you make that? Shh!

Shhh, no, I dug it! You stole it! I dug it! Well done, wasn't it fun? It was really fun. Yes, it is. Very good. I was always kind of against it, but now I'm kind of realizing that I can just hate things. Trust me, once you start, you can't stop.

Oh, this is gonna get good. Oh, boy. Exactly right. We're going to a place where we can just take everything? All right. Well, you're about to upgrade the scope of what you steal because next is a ship. Oh, wait. Oh, we're gonna steal a ship? We're gonna steal a ship, yes. And then you're saying where we're going. The more stuff we take, the more famous we get. Which is why we need a big ship to carry all of the stuff we steal. Oh, say no more, Professor. Say no more. Hey, what are we talking about? Stealing. No, no, no. We're not talking about anything.

You're talking about stealing. Look what I did.

Whoa, that's pretty thick. What is it? I don't know, but it's mine now! What's that? What's what, Bitsy? Take a look at it, Bitsy! What? No, don't look at it. We're stealing stuff! What? We're stealing stuff! Oh, I think we're getting close to the docks! What is it that you have there? Oh, look, is the dock right down here? Oh yeah, see that lone dock down there? All right, let's hurry up. Let's shake a leg. Spiders and gentlemen mice, let us go.

Right away, hustle please! You make your way down to what is very clearly a lone dock. There are no boats or ships tied to it. It is a mossy, saltwater-soaked dock. The wood is swollen from years of exposure to the sea. You can tell that this is, it is covered in algae, coral,

shells, all bits of net. This has clearly been submerged many times in its existence. There are no ships here at all. I thought you said you'd secure a ship or a boat. That's what we said, yes. Yes, yes. That's what we said. The captain should be back at any moment. Oh, all right. Yes. At any moment. All right.

Are there any ships in sight? No. Boats, rowboats, nothing? There is, you see that there is a ship very far off into the water. From here you can actually see out across the water and you see the island that has arisen up out of the depths. Far off in the opposite direction you see one ship. It looks tiny on the horizon.

Is there any like wood, is this like a boathouse where they would build ships? Nope. Just one singular dock. She looks at her pocket watch. 15 minutes or so passes. I've drummed captain. Ha! Ripped off! What are you talking about? Yeah. Are you sure you're secure to ship? You know that the only sailor here is the innkeep up at the dodo's nest, Eli.

Nobody move. I'll be right back. And he hasn't had a drop of drink in...

As long as I've known him. It's fine, I'll be right back, I'll be right back! Oh, of course, there must have been a mix-up. Yes, please, come! I sprint all the way back to the Dodo's Nest, as fast as I can. Yeah, don't wait, he's fast. He probably just forgot. Handsome Jack is running behind me. You have, um, no, you have no trouble making this run. Nobody stops you, there are barely any people about. As you burst into the Dodo's Nest, you see Eli is just there, cleaning.

Eli! Eli! Is everything alright? No, we need you. What happened? We need a boat. We need a boat immediately. We heard you're the only captain in town. Yeah, no one's got a boat anymore because all the rest went silly. We gotta borrow your boat. Or you gotta take us out to where we're going. We have the shell. We're gonna return it. We're gonna save everybody. Oh, sure. Why don't you just say so? I can haul her in. Perfect! Come on! What are you waiting for? Well, I don't know.

He looks out. I don't like to leave. I'll just call her if that's all right. Okay, where are we going to meet her? Y'all can sail. Absolutely. I can trust you with her. Oh, yeah, no problem. Oh, yeah. How did I say that? I was a sailor in my past life. I know it. I can feel it in my bones. You know, I trust you. And he reaches to his side and you can hear the two gold pieces clanking. Clearly only two gold pieces in his money pouch.

As he walks towards the door, he doesn't step outside at all. He stays firmly inside, but he puts two fingers to his lips and he lets out this whistle that sounds very much like the sound of blowing through a shell. And it shoots out and is carried over the waves and immediately you can see, especially from this vantage point, that one ship out in the sea as it turns and begins to make its way back towards the dock.

Oh, perfect. Thank you so much, Eli. We'll bring it back in one piece. No worries. I wasn't worried until you said that. Are you sure you're going to be? 100% sure. I've never been more sure of anything in my whole life. All right. I trust you. I'll see you around. And I will take off and run all the way back to the docks as fast as I possibly can sprint and get back.

There she is! There's the boat. We got the vessel. Well done! Yes, yes. You know, we were probably just a little bit early. Yeah. Well, I guess we're making good time! So. Isn't that right, Lenore? Well, it's Lenora. Lenore, yes, that's what I said. Well, no, it wasn't. You didn't pronounce the A. Well, the A, in certain tongues, the A is... Oh, which ones?

The ancient, uh, Nerukeshun, I believe, uh, sometimes, eh, when the vowel follows two hard consonants, sometimes they drop the A, so that it flows easier with other words. Nerukeshun, you say? Yes. She pulls out her little traveler's notebook and begins to write in it. Hingron! I'm not saying I believe you, but I'm writing it down regardless. Oh!

It looks like the ship's here, and you see that a small, or a moderately sized sloop has made its way up to the dock. It's completely covered in barnacles and algae, and written onto the side, you see Algy's Princess. Well, here she is, the boat that we procured, and from a certain point of view, it might be my ship now. All right. Yeah. Mr. Scrim, cast us off.

And I'll get on, and I'll just sort of like stand there and wait for you to do something. I walk up to the edge, I look in the water, I look around, I look under it. You notice that the wheel is on the wrong side of the ship. That looks perfectly fine to me. That's right where it should be, perfect. I can do rope trick! It's part of my new clown magic!

And I'll rip off my hand and I'll float around. And then I'll just, we'll both have rigging and we'll just be just kind of wiggling around. And then my mage hand will wiggle it around. All right, everybody get in. Everybody get on the boat. Get in. Everybody get in. All right. Okay. Now all I'm gonna do is, here we go. I'm gonna just grip it by the wheel here and go.

Go! Mr. Scrimm. Yeah, this is how you do it. Go! I believe the sails... I was a sailor in my... Oh. ...are relevant, I mean... Bitsy, please get the sails. Get the sails, Bitsy, the sails! Why? Because apparently they have to be down for the boat to go. All right.

- Yeah, it's not like any of us can effortlessly climb up there very easily with eight spider legs. - That's why I'm asking Betsy to do it. - Yeah. - Almost. You've got it. - A loud crack and tear rends the air as you see the sky split open, almost like thousands of blinking eyes.

as you look into the spaces beyond the stars and into different lands beyond this one. I need you all to roll an E20. - Nope. - The spaces between, give me a glimpses. - 11. - Go with nine. - We'll start with Chuckles. Chuckles, you are watching Bitsy.

Good job, keep it up. And you, judging everything that Bitsy does, especially because she can't climb the way that you can. And as you're watching her attempt to climb, your eyes land on yet again another one of those tears, glimpses beyond, into the space beyond the stars. I need you to roll a d10 for me, please. A d10? Oh, yikes. Oh, doesn't count. No. Three. Three.

Every time you open your mouth to speak, black ichor pours from your mouth. You're doing okay, Pitsy. You're doing all... I can't reach the ladder. Can someone...

That doesn't make any sense, what you're saying. Chuckles, are you sick? What's going on there, buddy? The merlot is coming back up, it looks like. What is wrong with Chuckles? Is this a spider thing? Can you roll a d6 for me, please? Certainly.

- All right, let's get you up to the ladder and I lift you like two inches. - You are incredibly greedy and you covet anything you see of value. As you look into this tear in the sky and you see what looks like temples of gold.

incredibly large, amazing cities filled with dancing skeletons, some of them coated in gold. Everything covered in this, and you stare at the shine, and you... Stealing was not something you did before, but now that you've had a taste for it, now that you look on this, you know what your true purpose is. Ah, Professor, I'm starting to think that...

I might be very, very good at stealing. Yes, I knew there was a reason I liked you. It just feels like it's second nature to me. I don't know why I've never done it before, but now... But now... This is definitely my boat.

Yes, yes, this is your boat, well technically it's a ship, but it is your ship. And when we get there, save your energy! Because when we get to that reef, that island, it will be untold countless artifacts. Countless you say? Of the old ones. The ancient kingdom.

Okay, all right. I'm gonna just focus on what's to come. - Your tone of light. - I reach-- - Bitsy, hurry up with the sails! - I reach the top of the mast and I start to work the sails with a 19. - With a 19. Okay, can you roll a D4 for me, please? - I would be happy to. Three. - Why you?

You will be able to do this with just your body. You reach the top and you stare up at the sky and directly overhead, one of these tears opens up and you see into it what appears to be very similar to what's pouring out of Chuckle's mouth, this...

almost like peat ichor, black, viscous liquid, peat bogs that spread for as far as the eye can see, thick vegetation. A bit of it drips down out of the sky and lands on your cheek. It feels oily and warm, and then as you look down, you realize that it is beneath you. It is everywhere. As you believe you are sinking into a peat bog and you cannot escape. Pfft.

You got the ground. She's way up there. Betsy, the sails. Betsy, come on. We don't have all day. I'm teleported.

No, you're at the top of the mast, you gotta drop the sails, Bitsy! What? I'm sinking! No, you're on the... You're just standing there! Just lower the sails! I cannot move, I have been submerged! Bitsy, you're right there, just lower the sails! Grab that line...

And pull. You're pulling the rope. Pulling the rope. You're watching Bitsy do this, and there's nothing around her. She is just flailing about at the very top of this. This is bad, Professor. This is real bad. What? You know, Scrim, I knew a chap named Pete Bogd back at university. Really? Yes. What did you get, Rich?

It's his fault it was a coal miner. I got an 11. You got an 11 too, okay. Can I have you roll a 6 for me please? Just a 6 or a d6? A d6, sorry. A 2. Your body has turned to pure gold and everyone is plotting to steal you. Nothing's changed. Whoa! Do we see this? Yeah.

My metamorphosis continues! Do not touch me! Do not touch me! I wasn't gonna! I wasn't even thinking about it! I'm ascending, Scrape. I'm ascending. If you follow the ancient path, you too can metamorphosize, do you understand? Uh-huh. Do you understand? I understand very well. You must learn. The Elder Ones... You look over... They are the true creators of this universe.

You look over at Lenora and you see that she is standing completely still. Flowers have sprouted up all around her, almost completely covering her. And all you see is just her head poking out of a veritable mound of flowers, a flower wreath around her head as she just stares forward in horror as if she's watching some otherworldly scene play out in front of her, looking completely past you like none of you exist.

I will see an abject horror, everything's going on. And I suddenly be like... And so I'm gonna see that Bitsy is failing. And I'm gonna climb with my spider climb feature, my racial.

up to the mast and basically I'm gonna try the best that I can to get us the sails down and the wind in them and get us the fuck out of here. - Hey, Kitakus! - Roll a sleight of hand at advantage. - Oh. - Because you are a spoder. - I'm a spoder. - I'm a spoder. - I'm gonna use one twist, 17.

You are easily able to manage the sails. You watch all of this madness ensuing. You see as Scrim is climbing over Clayton's body, practically salivating over his golden form. In multiple ways, you watch as he attempts to pull Clayton into his pack.

and steal him. I'm like, "Oh, man!" I'm trying to stick, like, just his hand in my back. It's still attached to the arm, honestly. I'm just, like, trying to get you to let go. Let go. Let's wait. I don't want to let go. I just want to-- I want to see if-- No, you can let go! Okay! Ow! You too, Lenore. I'm watching you. She's zonked out. She conspires to steal me, Scream. Well, I mean, do you blame her? You made a solid goal. I am a gilded demigod. Oh.

I do not blame anyone for wanting a piece. The wind hits the sails and immediately the sloop rockets away from the dock and you are all knocked over prone as you are thrown against different parts of the ship.

Bitsy, you are thrown off of the mast and down onto the base of the ship, but you don't feel that way. You are neck deep in this bog that's never ending. You have moments left to live before you're completely overrun by this peat bog. And as you...

You are all knocked around as the wind picks up. Another crack rends the air as lightning pierces the sky and immediately all of the cracks in the sky above you blink like a thousand eyes before closing up and disappearing from view. And with a shake of your head, you all realize that you had just witnessed another bout of madness in this place. I climb back up.

trying to right myself to the wheel of the ship. And I look at where the lightning had crashed to the right side of the ship and I point and I say, watch out! Lightning off the porter side! What? Bitsy, be careful! This rocks off the starburst! Ah!

It's PUNCH AND STARBIRD! That's what I said! I'm a sailor! PUNCH AND STARBIRD! There's lightning off the porterhouse. Why should I make you roll? Water vehicles. Yeah, roll for water vehicles. I am not proficient, so I will roll. Just roll a d20 and we'll see how well you do. I got a nine.

You are struggling. Yeah. And you all feel this as Scrim is yelling out things. He's talking about rocks on his side. You see that you are firmly out in the middle of sea. And though the sloop is held upright and the wind is in the sails, it isn't very strong and you're not moving that far. The waves are really what's carrying you. And they're carrying you in the opposite direction of the island. We're like right next to shore. Yeah.

Yeah, perfect. Hold on. Hold on. Stop yelling, everyone. Stop yelling. This scene is almighty. It's fine. It's fine. I can do this. Get off my back. I never want to get all the way off my back about this. I'm a sailor.

I believe in you. Come on, turn. I believe in you. Turn. I believe in you more when we get there. Turn. This is the ship's fault. You are a fiend. You are an evil fiend. No, this is a bad boat. It's a boat's fault. You're an evil fiend. Let me help you at least a little. All right, well, we have to turn the sails this way. Bitesy, come help me.

And with your assistance, she turns the sails a little bit and you feel the boat or you feel the ship pick up speed a little. The what? Ship, not boat. Every time anyone says boat, plain under his breath, ship. Look, she's not a sailor either, right? She's an archaeologist. No, just in the reality of the world. I will help you, Danora.

- Thank you, Bitesy. - You make very good laptops. - I'm sorry? - Nothing. - That's quite a stretch, Bitesy. - I don't know, I think that's pretty good. - Bitey does not require-- - And with that, she assists you. I'd like you to roll another d20 at advantage to see if you're able to maneuver the now with the winds or the sails filled with wind, if you're able to navigate.

That's not very common. I'm gonna twist. Okay. Yeah, twist it, please. We have to go kill something. I got a 16 this time. That is more than enough. And you're able to maneuver the ship.

to the island and it takes you about half an hour. - Told you I could steer this crappy boat. - The wind has picked up a lot with the storm brewing out at sea that the sails do most of the work. You just have to keep the ship

straight as you make your way towards the island. You're eventually able to get it to where it needs to be. You do not run it aground. You are able to find a place to drop anchor and to let down one of the boats. And is that what they're called, boats? The little boats? The whole thing is the boat. No, I'm talking about the little boats. That's a boat. Yeah. It's a little boat. Boats go on ships. Ships don't go on boats. Yeah, okay, well, I'm just asking you

Help here, Richard. Well, I'm encouraging. Lenora. I'm going to end him. I'm going to end him. You let down one of the little boats, and you're able to all pile into it and make your way towards the island. The island is very small, and this ancient city takes up the majority of it. It is...

you can tell that there have been countless years that this has been submerged. The ground itself is covered in a dark soil. It's squishy as you walk over it, as it is still filled with so much moisture. The crumbling stone is covered in

all sorts of bits of dead sea life that has been bleached in the moonlight. As you walk through this place, you see that towards the very end is what looks to be some sort of large temple that goes deeper and deeper into the earth of the island.

Thank goodness the dongle was in good shape. I've tied it up with the rope and we'll be fine. Yes. I used every knot that I know, and it's just like a series of, like, this awful, iffy mess. It's just like, it doesn't look like knots, it's like robed on itself. Allow me to use my great full expanded spell list rope trick. LAUGHTER

Very good, Chuckles. Scrim, what have you done? No, I think what I'm going to do is make Chuckles my first mate. Well done. Nice rope trick. Aww, I could be first mate? You may. You are!

You've turned the lions into a rat's nest! No, no, it's called rope. They're called ropes, Professor Clayton. They're called ropes! Like, could someone who wasn't a clown do this with, like, a rope trick? Well, technically, they're ropes, but when they're used for the sake of ships, they become lions. Rope trick! We must leave them alone! No one appreciated my rat's nest. He's a rat! Do you get it?

Land ho! You're already on the land. Everyone out of the dongle. Everyone out of the dongle. Get out of the dongle. I thought you guys were going to mate first.

What? I'm doing road tricks with Chuckles. See, we have to leave them alone! No, we're genuine magicians! Thank goodness I gave my soul to the great fool. Scrim chose Chuckles as his first mate. Oh, are we going to mate? Not you, not him! Oh. What should the rest of us do? We have to give them privacy, pal.

Should we mate, too? I mean... I'm not going to mate with you. I'd like to top your lap, if you know what I'm saying. He's very tall and fluffy. It could be interesting. He has a walking speed of 35 feet. Well, together we make a dogfish. Well...

Oh gosh, are there monsters around the corner that we can kill? I think there might be! We're getting close, right? We're getting close to it, we have to leave it. I'm done with rope tricking. Alright, we have to proceed deeper into the earth, right? Right, Professor? Yes, yes, continue. We must go, you've done mating. What do you mean? No, I just... No, you did rope tricking. We were doing rope tricks. So it wasn't a mating routine. He said first place, I don't know what to tell you.

It's the only sailing term that Scrim got right. Let's proceed. Into the ground. You make your way through the ancient city. Anything that would have, any remains and artifacts that would have been left here would have long ago been claimed by the sea.

There is not much to see here. There's not much to steal or much to even catalog as you make your way towards the entrance of the subterranean temple at the far end of this island. And it is here that the doors, whatever doors had been on this place have been long since removed or lost to the tides. But you can see that there is no light

down inside of this temple. These stone steps are slick with algae. As you make your way in, do you have any light source that you're gonna use? - Ha. - Oh. - I do not need a light source for

As I said before, I'm a Gilded Demigod, but also I'm a Curseborn, found in the Crooked Moon, and as one of my features, I have darkvision! No, I don't have darkvision. I can't see anything. Clayton, stay close. It's dark in there, I can't see a thing. Wait, you're a fucking lad. Well, I do... Okay, I don't know what you want from me, Professor Clayton. It seems like it's over time.

I don't know what to tell you. It says you live a hundred years? How do I get bad? Get fucked. I don't live a hundred years. Yeah, well, it's because you suck. My lifespan is a hundred years on average. That means I might live to be 150 for every jackass that only makes it 50 years. Oh, hold on. Let me actually just real quick. We can do this. Eureka! I can see! I have darkvision now! Oh, boy! This is

Do you have the dark vision? I do! Lenora, do you have the ability to see through the piercing darkness? No, but I'll just light one of these torches. She lights a torch. That's very funny. The high-pitched ween of a war movie. My eyes! Thank you, Lenora. You're welcome. A little heads up next time!

Batesy asked. "Well, I'll go first then, since I have the light." "Oh yes, please, go first." "Alright." "And as you walk, try to sweep your leg across the entire walkway with your, like, disgusting tentacle legs." "You shouldn't need to call them disgusting." "Oh, I know, lovely." "They're not very nice." "Your lovely tentacle legs." "You just tried to mate with me and now you're insulting me." "Well, I just thought, you know, we're in an Eldritch City." "Oh, just follow me."

And she makes her way down the steps. And you do notice that she slowly sweeps her legs, brushing away some of the algae that coats the stone. And she makes her way deeper and deeper into the subterranean temple. The pathways are winding, but they don't branch off in any way. It's all straightforward as you go deeper and deeper into the earth. The air that you're breathing gets heavier and heavier with moisture as...

You feel almost as if you can hear the sounds of water pressing in against the sides of this temple. The sounds of water wearing away stone in real time as you continue to move forward through this place and eventually you spill out into a large cavernous chamber.

The only thing here is a mural on the back wall, which shows in... made purely out of shells of colors that you've never seen before. Colors that are hard to describe. They're mixes of colors that you know, but...

The moment you look too deeply at them, it feels like the color changes a little bit and you can't quite put your finger on just what color it's closest to. And yet somehow your mind is able to decipher this image and it shows what is very clearly the conch shell with wind blowing through it. In the very center of the room, there is a large statue of

what appears to be hundreds of humanoid fish hybrid entities all melding together in this huge abomination. It is carved from this ancient black stone. It's porous. You can see small holes in it. And it is unsettling to look at. Wow.

Is this... Is this it? Is this where we have to return the... Ah, we have to leave it, don't we? Yeah, we did it! We're gonna save the day and be heroes of Druiskinveld! I don't wanna unsteal the shell, I'm with Clayton, I kinda wanna take it with us. What the fuck are you talking about? What do you mean by the... The sea we've seen, we're gonna be the whole people, then we're gonna be the fucking heroes. That was before I learned how to steal. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I fucking swear to god, if you fuck up this adventure because you fucked one deal, I'm gonna go honking crazy! And you don't want to see me go honking crazy! Bitefiend, what do you think? I think that we leave the conch shell. We save the town. Think of all the blood they will give us. What? The rewards will be tremendous. The gifts of their life essence. We gotta get rid of the still ones.

I'm going to call the waiter and say, get it out of here, because I ordered the sparkling one. I was on call with my rat man. Honka, honka, honka. This rider's plan is correct. We must leave the conkshell. Does it look like there's any place for us to place it? A pet stool or some sort of... No, not that I can see, but there seems to be some sort of plaque at the base of that strange, monstrous statue. I'm learned and...

hundreds of languages. Let me see what I can decipher. Oh, hold on, I'll help you just wipe it off and I'll rip off my hand and it'll float over me, Chan, and I'll just... Oh, thank you, Chuckles. I appreciate that a lot. It's pure white and now it's all completely stained over luck. Oh my god, it's in Kenda speak. She... You speak Kenda speak? No, no, no, no, no, no!

She leans down and her knees are soiled by this, by the silt that,

that covers the stone here. She's looking at this plaque. You can all see it over her shoulder. This is a language none of you have ever seen before. The symbols are alien to you, and as she looks at it, you can tell that they're alien to her, too, and as you look at it longer, you almost get a pulsing headache. Is it trying to comprehend this is painful? And this is not a language that I've ever seen before, but...

I have a magix that I think will resolve this. Try it, Lenoro. Lenora, as she begins to cast a spell, you watch as her eyes go,

completely inky black as the spell takes hold and her mouth begins to jibber uncontrollably, a language that none of you have ever heard. Similar to what you saw happen to Chuckles on the ship, ichor begins to pour from her mouth as she takes... Is this supposed to happen? Oh, God. Menorah? Oh, you are...

- Are you okay? - A significant amount of psychic damage and you watch as the life leaves her eyes and she falls dead at the base of the statue. - Oh, Lenora! - Oh no! - Is this part of what you're doing? - Are you okay? - Oh, I'll check balls. - Lenora, are you okay? - My Mage Hand that's covered in the gum. I'm gonna try to fill her balls with my Mage Hand.

Roll a medicine check. Okay. Yeah, because you can feel what you're... That's your one. I'm not supposed to do that. This is terrible. You can feel your own pulse through the mage hands. You're convinced that it's hers. She's alive. Guys, look. Lenora. We're joking around. Lenora, wake up. I don't... Can we see if she's breathing? I wish I could see if she's breathing. Roll a medicine check.

- Quit joking around with her! - At advantage because you're close, you're next door. - Thank God. - Perhaps she's just reeling with the information she just learned. - I got a 23 on my medicine check. - It is very clear that she has no pulse. She is not breathing and that there is no life left in her body. - A quiet falls in the cavern as we wait like four seconds, five seconds.

Oh no. What? I have good news and bad news. What is the good news? The good news is that Lenore's not going to need the satchel anymore. And I take the satchel off of Lenore. She has the conch shell. Oh really? Why not? Because the bad news is that she's very dead. And I put the satchel on her leg. Her mind was weak. You must take the conch shell and put it onto the...

The daith, or whatever we're calling it. She did not have the intellect to survive such greatness. If you want me to do it, I will. I mean... We must save the lives of... Myth Church! If you want the conch shell, you can take it. I just want the satchel. Bithy! I don't mean to correct you, but we're in the crooked moon. It's not a daith, it's a nightith. That's very funny.

Stand aside! My entire afterlife has been leading to this. I pulled out the bag for you, if you want it. I pulled out the cock shell. Wait! I think I have the mental fortitude. You do? Yes. I have resistance to psychic damage. I take out my notebook and I'm like, first subject, the diet of psychic damage. Second subject. Go ahead.

Does anything happen when they touch it? No. Oh, wow, okay. It thrums with power. You almost feel like the blood inside of your body is moving with the tide. I'm going to thrum. I put the conch shell...

I'm gonna put the conch shell on-- I put it under the nidus. You do what? I put the conch shell under the nidus. What's the nidus? It's the opposite of the dais. Where were you putting the fucking conch shell? There's no dais, there's a statue of horrifying elder beings that has literally no spot to put a conch shell on. I'm not putting it on anything. Read the plaque. Read the plaque. Oh, I will read the plaque. Do you have a way to read it?

Do you have like tongues or something? What kind of shoes is it over there? It's no known language, so you would need a spell like tongues or something like that. My language just says none. That's close to known. You cannot read it, but you are welcome to try.

- No known, it says none here. - All right. - I don't know languages. You really did a good job putting your character into D&D Beyond. - I didn't think language was gonna be important tonight. - Okay. - I have no way of reading this. I walk up and what instead I'll do-- - Roll a perception check. - Oh. - Where's my D? - I had advantage because it's very late.

Give me some 19. Perfect. You lean down to read this, and you realize you cannot read. Whether that was true in real life, or it's something that came along with this new bitesy body, you are incapable of reading. You're not even quite sure how you know how to speak a language, because technically, you know none.

And it is in this confusing moment that you look up as you're holding the conch shell and you see that mural that was first described to you when you walked into this room where it looked like air was being blown through it. And you think to yourself, hmm, that's interesting. Hmm, that is interesting. I think I need to speak some magic arcane words or something. Oh, well, you think I could bring back Lenora?

What? Wait, wow, hold on. I clutched the satchel a little closer. I don't know if we need to jump to conclusions here. Will it be like her, or will she be an undead thrall of yours? You know, depending on what the great fool gives us. The great fool gives us and he takes it away. I have a ritual to resurrect her.

As they're talking, I'm going to, using the same message whisper telepathy that I can, I'm going to try to communicate to the statue. Okay. In common, just with my mind, I'm just going to reach out and... Brains explode. I'll say... For the lives of the people of Mists Church, to save them, accept this conch shell, let it be returned to its home.

You wait. You hold the conch shell up for one minute, two minutes, three minutes, however long it takes for Chuckles to do his ritual, but you hear no words back. I will... Okay, stand back. I need to create the resurrection circle. I take the satchel off while I'm doing it, I roll it up and I stick it in my bag. And I'll take one of my famous catchphrases for free.

Baby, we were born to ride! Now we get a little tricycle. Now we're riding in a circle! I hear a tricycle with eight legs.

It is horrifying. I get on a little tricycle and I ride in a circle and I just open my mouth and it goes... Oh dear God. And I use my Eldritch Invocation Undying Servitude to cast Animate Dead.

and raise her as a zombie. - You hear the cracking of bones as the sea had already begun to claim Lenora's body. - Oh gosh. - And you watch as her body begins to animate. Her beige linen suit is now covered in the wet soil. Why can't I think of words tonight?

that's at the bottom of the sea. What's that called? Sand. Not sand. Silt. Silt, thank you. The dark, wet silt as it coats her body. Her head lolls forward. Not hair, but her squid-like tentacle hair spills over very grudge-like as she shambles about almost like a puppet. Honora, you're back!

You've done it! Lenora! She opens her mouth and a dark ichor spills out. Well, welcome back to the living. Thank you, great fool. You've brought her back. Lenora, do you have any capability of speech? Does she? No. Oh, my God.

All you hear is as Icarus spills out of her mouth. Rats! I'm out of ideas. Don't call Scream a rat. I resemble that Ramon.

I don't think this is working. I'm trying to communicate with it in my mind, but it is not accepting my call. I think it's time to let Professor try here. He said he's been building his whole life to this moment. He's looking at his eye. He knows what he's doing. I have to do everything by fucking self. Curio! And my case will fly open and it'll open up and I'll pull out some soot and some salt and I will put them in my hands and then shove them in my eyes. Ah!

I open my eyes, and they're glowing in this pearlescent light as I cast Comprehend Languages. Oh, shit. Okay. I conceal. I conceal. This is my fate. And I'll lean down to the placard of the statue. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. Ooh. So, wisdom saving throw, you say. Mm-hmm. So...

Currently I have an 11, but I'm a curseborn. I'm a master of curses, of all things. I have advantage on saving throws against spells and magical effects that require a wisdom saving throw. Mastery of my curse. Wow! Saves the day, maybe. No, you rolled the exact same number. I get the exact same number. Oh, but... Well tried. Well tried. I understand. I understand!

What do you understand? Let me know when I can read it. How much hit points do you have? That's a terrifying question. Not many, 44.

Oh, you take 48 points of psychic damage. As you lean down and attempt to read this language, very similar to what happened to Lenora when she attempted to use magics to understand whatever this ancient script is. And you immediately feel the pain rack your brain. As I do that, I'm going to lean down. This is my scene. I knew it.

My name is Azram, King of Kings. Look on my works ye mighty in despair. Nothing beside remains round the decay.

And I start writhing in pain and like my joints will start like bending in unnatural ways and I'll pass it. Oh, go unconscious. No, no, no, no, no, no. I will immediately run to the professor and start digging through my pack as I pull a hunk of disgusting, rotting, nasty, porcelain black cheese

I start stuffing the cheese into his mouth as I'm attempting to cast Cure Wounds. It'll heal you, eat it! Eat it! I'm massaging his throat, like trying to get the cheese down. Like foaming. I will cast Cure Wounds, which is 1d8 plus 5. 9. 9 points of healing. 9 points.

You immediately feel the air re-enter your lungs as you swallow the hunk of moldy cheese. Are you all right? What happened? This is some cheese I had in my backpack, don't ask questions. Some pungent notes, I'm getting maybe a little bit of cinnamon. It looked a little off.

But it's fine, it's fine, it's good for you. It's good for your gut bio. Okay, we gotta figure out this puzzle. I don't know what it says, actually. You seem quite hurt. Yes, my head hurts very, very badly. Can you help him with your blood magic? I could. Chuckle, no, scrimp. Roll a perception check. I would be happy to.

Come on. Yes, an 18 plus eight is 26. You look around as all of this is happening. You've now seen two people lose their life, even if for a moment, attempting to read what is carved into the base of this statue. And as you're looking in that direction, once again, your eyes are drawn to the mural. The first thing that you saw when you walked into the space, showing the conch shell with air being blown into it. Don't worry, Professor.

I've learned from the best. I will take it from here, all right? Yes. I'll take it from here. Good job. My hands tremble as I reach down for the conch shell. As I reach down for the conch shell. And I hold it up, and I look to the mural, and I imitate what I see as I take a deep breath, and I attempt to blow into the shell to see if I can make noise come forth from it.

You blow into the shell and the noise that it makes is otherworldly. It is alien. Unlike any sound you've ever heard before, as the entire room begins to shake and tremble, the statue itself begins to twist.

and turn as it slowly sinks down, exposing a circular staircase that goes deeper and deeper into this place. Jack visibly recoils from the noise that the shell makes. He's whimpering, almost cowering from it because it's awful. Ah! I did it! Look, Professor, I did it! Well done! Here. Chuckles, help him up.

Yeah, right away, Professor. You okay? Yes. I was worried I was gonna have to resurrect you, too. Give me a hand, Lenora, come on. Don't stick it in her, flag it around. Thank you, Benny. Her tongue rolls out of her mouth as Icarus continues to pour. Down the stairs, we have to go quickly, come on. Hold on, I need to sit down for an hour. We don't have an hour. We don't have an hour.

But quick! Here, here, eat some more cheese! Eat some more cheese! I cast another Cure Wounds on him. I will also cast Cure Wounds. What does that look like? However, my Cure Wounds, instead of rotten cheese, I will look at your eyes, and my eye pupils will start to swirl like wells of blood, and you will feel the cheese and the healing just enhance that much more. I will spend my blood well. Oh!

To empower my magic. In addition to rolling the regular amount of healing that Cure Wounds brings, Expending My Blood Will allows me to add my proficiency bonus to the total roll for one target. So I'm giving you additional healing points for this purpose. And I need a d8, which is right here. Minimum healing. Well, you get plus three from the proficiency. That's right. So that'll be nine.

Eww! Eww! Oh, that's disgusting! Oh! Oh! You'll feel your heart beating your chest that much more quickly as I continue to look at you, almost as though I am in tune with the essence of you. Thank you. Both. I do need one minute. Kiria. Oh, I brought these cross-dini's. I'm not thankful. I'm just nice.

- Oh, the cheese is awful. There's a little bit of hair in it. Like, the cheese is a little hairy. - It looks like a sandwich from Jersey Mike's. - Is it the Toast Shaped Forks? - No, you know what? It's the Toast Shaped Forks. - I like the Toast Shaped Forks. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Those are cute. Those are so cute. - Little jam would do well. - Aged, yes. - Oh! - A pack of Chessman cookies. I'll take one. - This one got Horthi on it.

Scram, have you ever considered being a cheesemonger? Well, and

No, I know, I really thought that this whole thieving thing was gonna work out, but I guess if that doesn't go well, I can look at a cheesemongering. Well, why not both? You make delicious cheese if you made that, or did you just find it? Well, I found it, but it was on me, so I'm gonna assume that I made it. Well, I... You have to share your recipe once this is all said and done. There's definitely some element of just laying down in a watery grave in a bog for a while that probably helped ripen the cheese. Yes, well, the hair and the fetid flesh really add something.

A sort of je ne sais quoi to the flavor. Let's continue. Lenora, lead the way. Oh, watch your step! With the torch. With the torch. Like, three, two, one. Like a box of kindling. Yeah.

And where you had seen a small bit of light from the torch as Lenora hit the soft earth, there is now nothing but darkness. As you all begin to descend the spiral staircase down to the deepest depths of the subterranean temple,

And you do eventually make it to this chamber. You can hear every noise echo about the chamber. It takes a while for your eyes to adjust. You eventually see that you're clearly in a subterranean cavern. A soft waterfall spills out from the wall. This is not man-made. This is an ancient structure in a small pocket beneath the sea.

and you look around and see there is absolutely nothing here except for a small

what looks like a pillar rising up out of the earth, also doesn't appear to be man-made, yet somehow is shaped in a way that almost looks like it had been chiseled and shaped into this shape, but there are no tool marks. There's nothing. And perfectly on the top is very clearly a resting spot for this conch shell. Oh!

you see that there is one small opening at the top, a small beam of moonlight shoots its way through and directly lands into this spot. And you see the moon as it's shifting in time, you see it moves just a little bit. Within the next 15 minutes, it will be directly center pointing down into this space.

As you all realize that this is where you were meant to bring this, and though Lenora is no longer with you to be able to witness this moment, you know what you have to do as you all begin to move forward. Until you can move forward no longer. Immediately around you, you feel this invisible barrier that stops you, and you attempt to move forward, but you can't. You are stuck here.

Trapped as the lights where there had been none, there now are. A bright pearlescent orb rises up out of the depths of the pool. Much, very similar to one that you had seen just the day prior, but larger, much, much larger. As you see the strange, uh, uh,

Anglerfish. I was like, anglerfish? This strange anglerfish creature arise up out of the water, completely covered in bits of algae and netting. And as you look at this, you can see faintly that this clearly resembles Fortuna.

the woman that you had seen prior, but amorphous and changed. And you see in the giant maw bits of what look to be deep-born flesh. And as you look at this creature now, you feel movement behind you, and you see that out of the depths of

March the bodies of every single person, every single still one that you had seen the night prior. And as the maw of this entity opens, they are all enchanted by the lore, by the light, as they all march forward towards...

And walk willingly into her mouth as she begins to consume and swallow all of these entities or all of these former people. You hear this guttural noise of satisfaction as her voice billows out. You are all idiots.

The whispers from beyond the stars did not lie and your sacrifice here is all that is needed to rise her from beneath the sea. She will feast and it is you who brought the horror to Mist Church.

Come to mommy and let me eat of your essence, child of blood, of laughter, of knowledge, of wisdom.

and she immediately opens her mouth again, and you see as her body begins to crack and change, as she gets larger and larger and larger, you see out of different pockets of her body a face of one of these fish-like entities, an extra arm growing in a different place. She is now covered in

40 different humanoid-like bodies that she has consumed as she rises up out of the water and her lore dangles in front of you. I need you all to roll a wisdom saving throw. - Oh, I don't understand. We did the whole fucking quest.

I'm a twist. I'm 11, but I'm advantage. I got an 18. Because I'm cursed, boy. I'm also. Another fucking 11. What's the point of this game? That's fucking weird. That's very funny. Yeah, that's funny. And you add 15 or below. Not to me. I survived. I'm going to twist. Twist it. Twist it. Much better. 18. Yeah.

You all look at this light and immediately you feel yourselves being pulled towards it and then you're quickly able to break your line of sight and you do not feel yourself charmed by this lure as I need you all to roll for initiative. - Yeah!

Can you just like make a, I think there's a circle under the cauldron. Can you just put her at one end of it for me, please, Derek? Rolling hot. Let's see if this turns around here right at the end. You have some options over here. What if creep is on it? Oh, hold on. I'm playing scrim. I've got scrim. I'm gonna grab Clayton. Sorry. I'm gonna need a... I'm playing two crawls, two crawls. I'll be, I'll be queenie. Oh, that's perfect. Oh. I'm just gonna grab one of my...

Uh, is there any spider over there? There's no spider. Is there any giant spider? Do we have any giant spiders over there? You have Salazar Seaspring. That's not it, that's not it. That ain't it. Oh, I have something for you. Me? Yeah. You can be the Paula. I'm gonna be the Paula. I'm gonna be the yellow Paula. That's atrocious. Oh, they can't see it. Hold on, I think I set this up. I hope I did.

I'm on the board guys. Hey, what you thinking about? I didn't roll, I didn't make initiative things so I'm just gonna track it here. Everyone roll for initiative. I rolled like hot fire. What did I get? It always says moon. 20 to 25. 22. Initiative you say? Yep. 15 to 20. 16.

- 10 to 15, five to 10. - Seven. - Chuck and Clay at the very end. It's Scrimm, Laird Action, Bitsy, Fortuna, Chuckles, Chuck and Clay. - My name's Clay. - And I'm Chuck. - Scrimm and I rode back in UC Davis. - That's fucking hilarious. - No wonder we're kindred spirits. - Scrimm, you break your eye contact with this.

with this, the lure, and you realize that you have mere moments to do anything before she attempts to consume you all. - The moment that I realized that I'm free, I hear this whole speech and I raise my hand in abject horror as I point to this giant abomination and I say, handsome Jack.

Get her! And I use my level 3 Grim Harbinger feature, Omen of Doom. As an action, I can choose a creature that I can see within 90 feet of me. I'm choosing the boss. And magically seal the target's doom. Once during your turn when I hit the doom target with a weapon attack, it takes extra necrotic damage equal to my proficiency bonus. Additionally, a... Get out of here. A ghostly hound appears. Yeah!

Within 30 feet of the target, the Grim is friendly to you and your companions, and it obeys my commands. I have the stat block here for the Grim as well. It goes directly after me in combat, but we do not... We take different actions. And with that, the Handsome Jack bounds to my side yet again as I charge forward, drawing my short sword, and I will make two attacks against this creature. Oh, wait a minute. Why don't we do a...

No, I will not. I'll use my bonus action. I'm sorry, that was an action to Omen of Doom. I will use my bonus action to Hunter's Mark, cast Hunter's Mark on this being. And then Handsome Jack will go and he has the ability to spectral movement. So he kind of moves with this flowing smoke-like movement, almost more ethereal than physical at this point. And he will claw out at the creature with Touch of Doom.

- Oh, it was almost a natural 20. It rolled to an eight. Plus three is a 12 to hit. 11 to hit. - That misses. - Oh no, no, no, plus PB. So it's a three. - Oh, so then it would actually be 14 to hit. - That misses. - Okay. - We're twisting. We're twisting. - All right. - It was almost a 20, man. It was so close. There we go. 16 plus six is 22 to hit. - That hits. - So then-- - Her AC is 16. - It will do 1d6. - Thanks, Chad. - Plus proficiency bonus necrotic damage, which is one plus three. I believe it's plus three.

- Is it my-- - Yes. - My perfect-- - Yeah, he is great. - Yeah, so it'll be four points of necrotic damage as it hits. - It does the four points of necrotic damage, and she doesn't even seem to flinch as she takes the damage. - That's my turn?

It is the lair action. - Do you do the extra damage too? - It's when I hit the target with a weapon attack. So I don't think it applies there. That's my first turn. That's all right. - It is her lair action. As she looks out at all of you and she draws in a deep breath, she uses the lair action drink of humanity. The abyss pulls in a lung full of air and salt water. I need you all to make a wisdom saving throw. - Oh gods. Let's go.

- I would like to use a twist. - Yeah, use a twist. - I got two natural ones, it's fate. - 20 for me. - 24. - Nice. - Let's fucking go. - I got a 15. It's gonna be close. - A 15, that fails. - Damn. - Where's my d10? Oh, there it is. - Does Jack need to make a wisdom saving? - Yes, he does. - Yeah. - Much better. - You take 15 points of necrotic damage if you fail.

You take nothing if you succeed. - 15 necrotic? - If you fail. - I did fail, I got a three. - Yeah. - And so I take half of that because of my unquenchable vitality. - You roll at disadvantage if you are charmed by her lore.

So you're lucky you all saved. - And that is a feature from the Crimson Dynasty? - That's exactly right. At sixth level, I become resistant to necrotic damage. - Oh. - Very nice. - Oh, and the psychic damage is from your doll. - Exactly right. - Wow, that's a nice- - It's a fucking rockstar combo. - That's a nice fucking combo. - It's a fucking rockstar combo. - And Bitsy, it's your turn. - Bitsy, Bitsy, the tomb. - I will Vok up.

There are no other creatures aside from the, from Handsome Jack and the four of us. We're not like surrounded by crowds of people. They've all been consumed at this point. Not at this time. Okay. I will use my action to cast...

Vampiric touch. I touch her. I'm gonna reach up for the sensory sac, the light sac that's hanging off of her forehead. Grabbing it, I will make a melee spell attack to attempt to do so. I jump up into the air and with a 21. That hits. I hit and I do 3d6 necrotic damage. One.

10. Perfect. Because I got 10 or more necrotic damage, my blood well recharges. Nice. So I have that back, and I will be able to use it for whatever I like moving forward. However, in addition to the 10 necrotic damage, I regain hit points equal to half the amount of necrotic damage dealt. Damn. Which is going to be 5. Which action was that? What did you do? That was necrotic or vampiric touch. Nice. Okay. What does that look like? Yeah, what does it look like? Describe it. I will tell you in a moment. Just a minute. God fucking...

- Jesus, Derek. - I just wanna make sure that I get it right. - Sitting there, nondescribing looking. - Motherfucker. - Oh, and because I have, I get to do this again each of my turns moving forward, 'cause vampire attack. I will jump up and I will grab onto it and start swinging from it and immediately I will live up to my name, excuse me, my namesake and bite into this and start to draw the life essence from this creature.

It's so distracting as a bonus action, I'll use the help action, which is one of my You've Got a Friend Threadborne features, which means that you have advantage on your next attack as a help action. Let's go! Which I can do three turns per long run. And because you did damage to it, I'm going to use my first level great fool feature, Killing Joke.

And because it took damage, or whenever a creature takes damage or fails a saving throw, I get to Vicious Mockery it and use it as a reaction. Wow! And I'm gonna look at it and say, "Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, still ones? You should've ordered the sparkly ones. Oh shit!" You carry them, Chakras! I cast Vicious Mockery on it. It needs to make a wisdom saving throw.

And that's the end of my turn. 16. 16 passes. I believe nothing happens, right? Yes. Oh, shit. You guys, who's next? Oh, it was actually technically her turn before it was supposed to be yours.

- No, no, he reacted. - Oh, that was a reaction. - It is her turn. She is going to look out at all of you and she looks like she's about to wail and sing the song that had been-- - All the spirits there.

Yeah, that I called the spirits there. But she quickly closes her mouth and instead reaches down, reaches up to where Bitsy is dangling, Bitesy is dangling from her lure, and she presents you with a touch of madness. How can one make one mad? 21 to hit. Who is already yet set hits? Oh, wow. She is going to do...

15 points of psychic damage.

I have them resistant. And I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. I am not very good at those. I get a 21! Wow! 22. I'm gonna use a dread. Oh, good dread, good dread. That's a good dread, it's a good dread. You got it. You don't got it. Four. You are overcome by short-term madness for this round until the start of her next turn. I need you to roll a d4. Four.

You fall prone as you are overcome by visions of unintelligible horrors. You are prone until the start of her next turn. Okay. You can act in the prone position, but you can't use your turn to right yourself. Oh, I'm until the end of my next turn? Until the start of her next turn. Oh, wow. That's strong. I like that. And it is Chuck's turn.

- LeChuck. - I'm gonna, look, am I within 60 feet? - Chug, chug.

I'm gonna look at her and I'll say, "Oh my, what big eyes you have! It sure would be a shame if you got horrible clown gunk in there!" And I'm going to spray from the flower on my clown suit, and it's going to go towards her eyes as I'm going to use my 6th level Grateful Warlock feature, Fool's Curse. I am choosing, of my four options, I'm going to choose Flower's Gift.

She must make a charisma saving throw. Oh, I don't think she's very good at those. She fails. She is blinded. She has the blinding condition for one minute, and she gets to redo the saving throw at the end of each of her turns. It counts as a curse. She already was blind! So what does that look like? The flower will shoot this curse.

bright green liquid that would spray all into her eyes and I would hope it would like coat them and maybe seep in and like be like kind of pulsing in this sickly green honking biz. That's it. That's my turn. - Oh, I don't think I have, oh, do I have a bonus action? And I'm going to use my bonus action. Oh, I always think, sorry. - New setup, new rules. - Yeah, it's cold as you. - I...

I'm just gonna use my bonus action to hex. That's it. And I'll say, the great fool honks. I am the one who honks. I am the great fool. And then a bunch of horns are gonna start honking out.

That's it. All right. She seems to be fairly unaffected by this. You remember that when you first met her, she was blind and she uses her-- Oh, shit! She uses her lure to see and that this does not seem to have any effect on her. Fuck! That's very funny. Clay. Go ham, brother. Oh. I need to roll a concentration saving throw.

I'm just gonna read this to make sure I understand everything. Okay, so I'm going to take a few steps forward and I'm going to say Fortuna! We could have achieved greatness!

You could have been my hand bride once I ascend to godhood! Instead, I will show you what lurks on the other side of reality! I'm gonna pull my hands and do this motion as a tear in reality warps open and just on the other side of this tear there is this massive, like,

like vertical slit shape that all of a sudden you feel cold and you hear the depths of the ocean. And then you see a massive orange eye open and tons of wriggling tentacles and crab arms and gibbering fish heads explode out right around here in this dark eldritch abomination as I use the reality tear feature.

First it adds Hunger of Hadar, which is the spell that I'm casting, to my spell book. And when I cast it, I can risk an intrusion to remove the need to concentrate on the spell and have it last for its full duration. Oh my god! That's amazing. So that's what I'm doing. What is an intrusion, you might ask? I can't imagine.

Ice... an Intrusion, and you get that at level 2. You search in the forbidden reaches beyond the universe, yields great power, but at terrible risk. You gain the Arms of Hadar spell at second level. And you have an Intrusion die, which for me, because of our level, is a d8.

Where's the D8? My intrusion die. When I use a feature that risks intrusion like I just did, I roll my intrusion die. On any number other than a 1, no intrusion occurs, and the intrusion die reduces in size. Down to a D6, then a D4, then a D3, then a D2.

On a 1, the intrusion die rises in size one step to a maximum of its normal size, and you must roll on the intrusion table to determine what happens when reality momentarily fractions. So if I hit a 1, basically, shit goes down. I did not hit a 1. Oh, I wanted a win. I normally root for you, Rich, but I wanted a 1 so badly. My intrusion die is down to a D6. But I have another feature that I can also use because I'm using a spell slot.

I'm going to risk a second intrusion with forbidden knowledge. I can focus alien wrath into my spells. When I cast a spell using a spell slot, I can risk an intrusion to choose one of the following. Creatures have disadvantage on the first saving throw they make against the spell, or I have advantage on the first attack roll I make with the spell. So she has disadvantage on a deck save on her turn. Okay.

So I roll my intrusion die. Another four. So my intrusion die is now a d4. Wow. Hopefully we get two with an intrusion. Any creature that starts its turn in the area it takes... Okay, cool.

That is my turn. So it's technically, if she's in it, she's blinded, but she doesn't need to. Like no light can emit. And you can hear sort of just this cold underwater with this insane gibbering of these fish heads and some horrible giant LVC. So you put that on her? Yes. And no light can emit from it? Correct. So her lure would stop working. Yes. So you cannot be charmed by,

by her lore, which will be helpful, but it doesn't negate her as an entity. Sure. Because she's pretty gross. But it will at least prevent you from being disadvantaged on some of her spicy rolls. Love that. So all of a sudden her light goes out as this reality care opens up. That's thick. Scrim. Oh, and yes, now she would actually be blind because she cannot see through her. Yes! Let's go! Great job! That was awesome!

"Handsome Jack, keep attacking from here! "I'll flank from the other side!" And there's a loud clacking noise as Scrim runs to the other side as you realize now that he's wearing Lenora's high heels that he stole. And I will make two attacks. The first one is at advantage because of the, you got a friend. That's right. It'll be 19 to hit the first attack. That hits. Second attack will be a 17, 24 to hit. That hits. So it's 1d6.

with my normal attack, 1d6 from the Hunter's Mark, plus three from the Omen, and then I'm also gonna use my Plaguebearer trait, which is my plague-borne trait. When I hit a creature with a melee attack, I can magically spread my plague to the target. The creature must succeed on a constitution saving throw, which I believe will be 16, or become afflicted with my plague for one minute. I got a 15. Oh, beautiful. So that'll be an extra 1d4 poison damage at the start of each of its turn because it'll be poisoned.

And then you can repeat the save at the end of each of his turns. So the damage for all of this is going to be one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven plus six is 13. - So what does the save thing do again? - Constitution saving throw, otherwise you just become poisoned and take one D4 poison damage at the start of each of its turns. - Okay, yeah, I should take that. - So there'll be 13 for the first attack.

Five plus six is 11 points for the second attack. So Scrim will deal 24 points of damage over two attacks, and then Handsome Jack will follow up. 17 plus six to hit is 23. So Handsome Jack will deal five points of necrotic damages. He slashes out with his claws. Okay, what's the damage total? The total will be...

30 total, over three whole attacks. Okay, perfect.

It does a significant amount of damage. She is, you can see the way that her body is undulating in this pool. She is nervous. This is the first time she's ever experienced not being able to, not being able to see the situation and to even preempt what is coming. Having her lure snuffed out is disorienting for her. And it was wholly unexpected and

the damage on top of that, you can see panic in her form now as she calls out to the abyss that beckons and begs this entity, whatever it is, that's fueling her power to help her.

in this moment as she then yells out once more and she is going to use her lair action to drink of humanity. I need you all to make a wisdom saving throw as she begins to pull in your life essence. - Yeah! - Both Scrim and Handsome Jack fail. - 23. - 19. - So it is everyone else, you're fine, nothing happens to you, but Scrim, you are going to take

21 points of necrotic damage. Oh, wow. I'll take that, but Handsome Jack is actually immune to necrotic damage. So he won't take anything. Amazing. Let's go. But Scrim's looking rough. He's at 21? Mm-hmm. That's bad. Okay. All right. Ah! All right.

She almost sniffs the air, smelling your weakness on the salt water. And her lure moves towards you. And though it doesn't illuminate, it's still being shrouded by Clayton's spells. She seems interested in you more than anything else.

I didn't want to interrupt. Could I have used my reaction to use another one of my killing jokes to vicious mock my hair? Sure. So as soon as she takes damage and she's begging, I was like, imagine begging for your life before four strangers murder you. She needs to make a wisdom saving. Wisdom 16.

And I'll roll just in case she fails. I think she failed. I got a six plus five, 11. I love that. Three points of psychic damage, only three. She's immune to psychic damage. Okay, well, and then she's disadvantaged on the next attack roll before the end of her next turn. Okay, perfect. Okay, then she, where the lair action happened, Bitsy, you are still prone. You cannot get up from prone because it hasn't been her turn yet, but you can do things from prone. Can I move?

- No, you're prone. - Well, okay, I can't move. I will- - I think you could crawl, you could move at half movement. - Right. - You can crawl. I think that's fair. - Okay. Well, if that's the case, I'm gonna move into the center of the room so that I'm five, 10, 15, 15. So I'm 15 feet away from everybody. I reached the center space here and I grabbed my head

You wish to have a taste of immortality. You know not what you ask. And I start to turn my head, and as I start to uncork it, this spray of blood shoots out from my neck, and when I finally lift my head off, it's like a fire hydrant of blood has exploded out, a huge shockwave, a dome, like the nuclear explosion from the film,

immediately emerges, like submerging the entire space. - I'm not on my shoes! - I'm going to use a, I'm gonna use a, I'm gonna heighten it with sorcery, what am I? - There's less magic. - With metamagic, I'm gonna heighten Crimson Harvest.

As a wave of blood sweeps out from me and crashes into your enemies. This is one of our custom spells. You need to make a dexterity saving throw and I'm making it at-- - Which I'm at disadvantage because of chuckles. - Oh, then I didn't need to use the meta magic, but I'll use it anyway. - Oh yeah, because of playtime. - No, no, no, so it's only on for the spell that I cast. - Oh, okay, nevermind. - Oh no, that's an attack roll I'm disadvantaged on. - No, he heightened it, she heightened it. - Yes.

Yeah, but I'm trying to remember what you cursed me with. Okay. She isn't gone yet, right? She's going next. Okay, roll a three and a two. Okay. I do 24 points of necrotic damage to you. Okay. I would get my blood well back, but I already have it. So why don't I just make that 27? Yeah. It's 27. Shazamba. And...

Because I damaged at least one creature that is size small or larger, myself and a number of creatures within the spell's range up to my spellcasting ability modifier that I choose can regain a number of hit points equal to half the damage roll. Wow. As you're all splattered, kill Phil style with blood. That blood seeps into you, closing your wounds, healing you with the magical life essence that Bitesy brings to the table. So any of you get...

It was 27, so 13 points of healing. And we all get 13 healing on this. Yeah, exactly. That was an amazing spell! Did you discover that spell?

out of reading the Crooked Moon? Pre-order now at thecrookedmoon.com. I have known it for centuries. I mean, yes, go to thecrookedmoon.com. That's where I learned it. I didn't learn it from Immortal Life. Is there anyone within melee reach of her? Me and the dog. Is she starting her turn? She is starting her turn. Okay, so she needs to make... Hold on. So just her being in it, she takes 2d6 cold damage.

She takes four cold damage and she, if she ends her turn there, she needs to make a dex save at disadvantage. - Okay. She will end her turn there 'cause she can't move. She's coming up out of the water. - She can just make the save right now. - Okay. I rolled a 13 plus dex, plus three, so 16. - I believe that passes. So she doesn't take the second. Oh, she's disadvantaged.

Because I used my thing. A natural 20. Oh. I had to waste my natural 20, though. That's fine. Yeah. No, that was a good play. Good play. Okay. So she is going to reach down. She senses the weakness that is overcoming you, Scrim. And she is going to attempt to... Now. She is going to attempt to...

hurt you in some way. - No, take my eyes but not my shoes. - She is not gonna touch of madness, you. She is actually, she's gonna use her once per day. And she is going to let out a horrific wail. The haunting song that,

that assaulted the village of Mischurch now begins to spill forth from her mouth. I need everyone who's within 30 feet of her to roll wisdom saving throw, please. - I'm definitely within 30 feet. - Oh, we're all within 30 feet. - Fuck, I'm barely-- - It's a small chamber. - 13. - I got a 20. - Wisdom. - Fails. - Come on. - I'm gonna use one more twist. We're running out. - I'm gonna twist too. - No way. - That's rough. - It's 13 for me.

It is the, it's 16. Oh, I pass. Hands of Jack fail. 17. I will not pass. I'm gonna do one more choice. 17. I drop my own hand. Oh! That's very funny. 13. Who fails and who passes? Hands of Jack. If you pass, you take nothing. If you fail, you take the full amount. It's not that bad. She says. Nine, 10, 11, 12. 13 points of psychic damage. Oof. Duh.

- Half of you if, no. - No, you take nothing if you pass. - Oh, perfect, let's go. - I'll take six because of my thread-born lineage. - And you would have all become charmed by the lure regardless of your pass or fail, but the lure has been extinguished, so that has no effect. - You gotta give it up to the Elder Evils. - Gotta give it up. - Gotta give it up. - Thank you, Elder Evils. - And that is her turn. Check. - Oh, you know what?

My ma, may she rest in peace, always said I would never amount to anything when I told her I wanted to be a famous trumpet player named Round John Virgin. That's a deep cut. And now I'm going to show her who's boss.

and I'm going to materialize suddenly a large trombone and go I'm gonna do the lanky Kong Final Smash from Donkey Kong 64. As I summon Spiritual Weapon on my Great Fool Expanded spell list as a bonus action that is going to swing into to her. I'm gonna make an attack roll. I might fail here. Looks good from here. It might be good. What is it? Plus 8? 16?

16. 16, yep. Does that work? 16 is AC? Yeah, 16 is her AC. Okay. And so that also triggers Hex, which is a de-sex, right? I've never played a Warlock. What weirdly. Really? I don't think so. 4 plus 9 is 13 points of force damage. Actually...

is technically eight points of force damage and one point of necrotic. - That's the same, yeah. - Okay, got it. - So nine points of damage. - Yep, that's my bonus action. And I'm out of spell slots, and I am going to run forward and I'll say, "You know what?

I know that we met, but I never got to shake your fucking growth hand. Please, Demetria! As I give her the old buzzer, as I barely do have shocking grasp, and I am going to make an attack roll. My classic 16. Wow. Yeah, that's crazy. Barely hitting it. Amazing. Good enough. So 2d8 as I do my classic chuckles. I've got to bring in the space chuckles.

as she enjoys nine points of lightning damage. Okay. And which also will trigger six points of necrotic damage from my hex. And then I don't, I forget what shocking grasp does. You can't take reactions until the end of the match. Okay. Nice. She does let out a loud wail as she takes a significant amount of damage. She is beginning to look rough. Clay. I give my reaction back.

transforming more and more. You see my skin and my form almost to become a little pearlescent like the conch shell itself. As I take a few steps this way and all of a sudden I'll lean over and I close my eyes and I say, "Yah! Yah! Halaki! Halasha! You...

Stand in the presence of Alashna the Ponder Glow. This is his reality. All realities are his.

And then I'm going to reach my left hand up towards the opening that we came down. You'll hear the storm boom out. And there will be this all of a sudden lightning will arc in, impossibly, through the cave mouth, down the hole. It comes into my body and for a second I'm getting flashes of memories. Her face is replaced with some disgusting hag face.

And I should come back. And then the cold of this room takes me back to the cold of stone walls. And I'm back and I see a pile of bones on the ground and I get fucking hungry. And I say, Unlimited power!

- And I wanna cast a lightning bolt at her. - Yeah! - Unbelievable. - And I'm going to risk a, I'm gonna use Forbidden Knowledge and she needs to make it a disadvantage, a dex saving throw. And I'm gonna roll my d4. - Wow! - Intrusion. - Oh no, thunder, I have a phobia of that! - I rolled a natural three, so she will fail. - I'm gonna say this is a one. I get a one, there it is. - There it is, you got a one.

- She's also in water. So I'm not going to let you double. I'll let you add one additional die. - Oh. - On a failed save she takes eight D6 damage. - So she will do nine D6. - Four, two, four, six. - In my direction.

4, 10, 11, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23. Only 23 points of damage. I rolled really low. You rolled 96 and you did 23 points of damage? Jesus. That is fucking crazy. But then I trigger an intrusion. That's right.

So I need to roll a d8 on my intrusion table and see what happens as I do this as I am playing with things beyond reality. Tell them the number you rolled. I rolled an 8. What does that do? Is that a good or bad? I don't remember. All of a sudden I come back up.

and on my forehead you will see the skin slit and open up and a giant orange eye with a almost impossibly black dark pupil will appear in my head as I experience an instant of terrible clarity. I roll a number of d4s equal to my proficiency bonus which is... 3. 4? 5, 6, 7?

8, 9, 10, 11. I take 11 points of psychic damage as that happens. Oh my god. Uh, shit, so I had 25. Yeah. And then I took 11 damage. I take psychic damage equal to the total I rolled, and for one minute, my spell save DC increases by an amount equal to my proficiency bonus. So, my spell save DC is now currently for one minute, like, 19. Holy shit!

That is your turn. What the ass? Professor, what's going on? Who's turn? It's Scrim's turn. Oh, shit. I made three more attacks. Two from Scrim, one from Handsome Jack. 15's gonna miss, but a 16 will hit. That will hit. So the one attack from Scrim will deal 7, 8, 9, 10, 16 points of damage.

And then an 18 plus a billion for Handsome Jack will be five, six, seven, eight. So 24 total points of damage between Scrim and Handsome Jack. You actually see Handsome Jack pass through this horrific creature with his spectral movement and reappear on the other side next to Scrim as they continue to attack together. You slice into this entity and you can see in this moment that she's barely hanging on by a thread.

whatever entity she's calling to is not answering her pleas.

But you do notice that the water around her is bubbling up with ichor. There is something happening below. But whatever this entity is using her for, she's not coming to her rescue. As it very clearly looks like Fortuna is on her very last legs. And it is with, yes...

I'll use my final killing joke use and I'll put my hands on my hips as there's the floating trombone next to me and I'll say, "Will, don't you look quite foolish?" Jeez, let me go get some saving throw. - I don't think it will. I don't think he's got enough damage to do it. Does a 10...

- No, no, but she's immune to flying slaking damage. - Oh, yeah. - Holy shit, that's funny. - She doesn't even turn and look towards you. As she opens her mouth,

what is for the most likely the final time as she begins to drink up the salt water in the air. As she attempts to drink of your humanity, I need all of you to make a wisdom saving throw for me, please. - Oh wow, why am I rolling hot tonight? - Screw me on a natural 20. - Jesus. - 17. - Dirty 20. - 19. - Who looks the weakest? - I have 14 points. - As a friend. - Oh yeah, for sure.

- I'm gonna dread you. - Plus she's really been fucking with her. - Yeah. - You can dread me again. I got it. - I don't think I have another dread. - 18. - I think I only had one. - Someone get one more dread? - I think I had one which I used and then I saw another one come in. - Literally seven minutes ago. - Yeah, I saw that one come in and I think that's, I know that's where this one was. I don't know. - That's it. That's all she wrote, folks. - Nikki, I had five?

And I got a sixth. Okay, yeah, I'm dreading you again. More time, more time. Okay, dreading you again. And one more time. I choose to fail. You failed, you failed. Nine, 10, 11, 12, 13. Perfect. And that would be all of my dreads. She drinks up the life force. Thank you for doing that, that's nice. And I need you, yeah, what was it? You're gonna take... I appreciate you and your support.

You're going to take 24 points of necrotic damage. It drops you to zero. It sure does. You're immediately killed. That's what I figured. I am going to Gary Oldman through that fucking curtain Harry Potter. We're literally, I'm going to do that. And then whatever she does, all of a sudden, like it breaks my concentration for like a split second. And I'm like lifted off the ground. You are. No, no, no.

- And I'm gonna rip through the tear. - Your body is ripped through the tear, but the small light of your soul is not. As she continues to breathe in, your soul is sucked deep within her body as she consumes you. - My body goes. - And with two quick pulses, she enlarges and heals. - Oh shit. - Okay. - Oh, you should've taken the tail. - Bitsy.

Yep, leaving it to Bitsy to save the day. I'm the kind of guy that likes to fuck around. That's what Bitsy sounds like now. Yeah, you wanna join me on a mode of life or what? Here we go, it's time, baby! This is Justin Malt, baby! It's Crimson Dynasty, baby! Alright, um, I'm gonna fuckin' get up, because I can finally get up now. I screwed my head back on. Um, what is this cube?

Spectral trombone. A rusty trombone. Have you ever been beaten to death with a fucking trombone? In the Diddy Kong Racing character select screen, who had the trombone? I did.

Was it drumstick? Maybe. I don't know. Chat, tell us who. I am ravenous. I just saw Azran and his soul get pulled into this entity. And so nothing could be more delicious than a creature who has been

suffusing its life essence with the souls of other creatures. I move forward. The tear is still open. Oh shit! I used it, so I just opened it. That's right. It lasts the full duration and I don't keep concentration. That's really sexy. That's super fucking sexy. Um...

I'm going to make a melee attack, and I'm going to attempt to cast Inflict Wounds at third level, which I am going to flavor as me just biting into her neck and drinking her blood. Okay, you scramble up her body, and she went from a large creature to a giant creature in this situation.

in this time and you latch onto her neck. - Me a fifth, one. - Yep. - Yeah. - We have three. - Natural 20, baby! - That's Crimson Dynasty, baby! - That's Crimson Dynasty! - That's gonna be 10d10 necrotic damage. - What? - At third level, inflict wounds. - I think there is a chance you kill her.

I'm gonna say I get my blood well back. That's gonna be... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. 14. 22. 31. 40. 42. 45. 49. 54. 55.

59. Damn. As I, I also use the health action on the spiritual weapon on the trombone as I dig in and you see my eyes pulse with red light as I begin to drink deep. Mm-hmm.

You drink deep and you can feel her heart pumping faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster as you drink and drink and drink. The taste of blood is replaced, that irony taste that you so crave is replaced by a fetid, rotting,

salt water taste as you drink and drink and drink. You are, your head is spinning with the thirst that you feel as the heart stops. You feel no more heartbeat as you wipe your mouth. You feel her body slump as you cling to her. And then with one final thump thump,

her entire body explodes. I need everyone to roll a dexterity saving throw for me, please. - Oh boy. - Oh man, hot, hot damn! 22. - Four. - Oh boy, Squid got a 17, and Anson Jack did not pass. - Okay, you will take half damage if you fail on this one.

21 points of necrotic damage as her entire body explodes. It is like a bomb goes off in here as bits of the ceiling begin to crumble and crash. You are thrown against the wall.

Some of you are thrown in near to, potentially into and against the tear that Clayton rendered into the universe. How is everybody looking? I'm not, I'm okay. Hands of Jax is one HP. Okay.

I have 41 HP. Perfect. I have 34 HP. I am covered in blood. You look around you and you see that this pool begins to bubble and you hear a strange, eerie gibbering coming from the conch shell and you imagine you have mere moments to put it into its rightful place.

before this entire temple begins to descend into the sea. As I'm trying to gauge my bearings and get back up, I look to Handsome Jack and I say, "Handsome Jack, run! Go!" And I command him to get as far away as possible as he actually runs away. Where's the shell? Where's the shell? I can't see it again! I don't know! It was near the entrance where you had been force-caged.

I will run back and I, at this point, I think I'm imagining that I'm like sloshing through like four or five inches of blood on the ground and just making my way, trying to search for it. I'm looking. I would, uh,

use my spider climb to climb on the walls, get out of the water, and extend my mage hand down to try to grab it ahead of me. As I'm looking for the shell, I try to grab it in my clown glove. - It's not submerged. - Oh, okay. - It's there, you're easily able to find it and slot it onto the base. It immediately begins to shake.

It doesn't just sit on top of it. It melds together with whatever this strange stone is. And as this entire place had been rising upwards, opening up,

up, really, releasing whatever is trapped deep within this subterranean cavern. As you slot what is clearly a key into this place, you feel it shake and then stop. And instead of opening, it fully closes this fissure that had been created in the ground that I forgot to explain the first time I mentioned it. But it was there. It was always there. As it closes up, and then you feel as the temple begins to sink.

and it begins to move deeper and deeper into the earth, and you, the three of you that remain, with one quick look towards the fissure that had opened for Clayton and a silent farewell, you all begin to rush up the spiral staircase. I need you all to roll a dexterity saving throw just to see how well you manage this. - Natural one. - What is it, dex?

I got a 22. I'm keeping that 20. So with Lenora's shoes on and the bag over my scrim, I'm running like this.

in the high hills as I'm running. Yeah, and it is because of that that you knock, as you're ascending the spiral stairs, you knock into Chuckles. And he slips on some of the algae that had not been wiped away and tumbles down into the dark abyss, being completely consumed by this place. I'm imagining that I'm, oh god, I gotta enjoy my escape.

banana okay

And with one final scream and honk honk from his red nose, Chuckles tumbles into the abyss, most likely fully dead, but at least lost and gone forever. What did you get, Bitesy? - I got a 30/20. - The two of you, however, are able to make it out of the temple. You feel the sea water

There's already about two feet of seawater encroaching on the edges of this island as it's pouring down into this temple, filling it up, submerging once again down into the sea. As you run as quickly as you can, you make your way towards the ship, and with a final goodbye to Chuck Kroll's, Chuck Kroll's. Two Krolls, two Krolls. Goodbye, Eagles! And to Clayton, you...

you catch the wind in the sails and make your way back to the town, and you are making your way across the sea as

As you're sailing towards the dock, you begin to see shapes moving inside of Miss Church and lining up all along the cliff face. You see every single person that had been alive in Miss Church.

standing there almost completely still, their heads cocked to the side as an eerie otherworldly smile graces their face. And that's where we'll end the session. No! We didn't. I don't think we succeeded. They're going to die. Unclear. Wow. Wow. If you enjoyed all of that, the Crooked Moon Duck, it's going to start over. We have to do the free frame, right? Three, two, one.

Well run, Nicky! Thank you, Nicky! What a fun time. Thank you for putting up with all the ass and ridiculousness. If you liked what you saw there, and you want to run, you could have played that totally serious, or you can play it silly, you can play it however you want.

All in the Crooked Moon, thecrookedmoon.com. And, you know, hopefully you enjoyed this preview of the subclasses, the ledges. To pull back the veil, you got the best possible ending you could have gotten. Outside of everybody surviving. I'm a little... There was a worse ending than that. Of course. I am very glad that I died.

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