The Mighty Trunks | Ep. 1 | All-Loxodon Underdog Story
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. Ding, ding, ding! The Bloodhawks make the Scorpion's bell ring once again. That ties up the game against the Scorpions three points against three points. We're in sudden death. It all comes down to this final round of the final game. It's anybody's game now, but there's still a lot of games

left. Mm-hmm. Yes, Verit, it's anyone's game. Both teams are just one point away from winning the 41st Grand Fleen Flell Prime Material Plane Championship brought to you by Everwood's Emporium. And as soon as you hear the king's whistle, things are going to be decided very quickly here in beautiful Goodberry Square. Any final guesses before things kick off, Verit?

When you have great players playing great, well, that's just great fling-flell. Indeed. Oh, there's the Herald. They're off. The Scorpions take the ringer first and are already making moves towards the bell tower where they've intercepted by the Bloodhawk's frontman. That's a spell we don't see very often, but it looks quite effective. Doesn't matter. They don't have quite enough time to reach the ringer before the Bloodhawk's right man scoops things up and he's looking to score it. Oh, no. Denied by a very strong pitch to center mass. That has got to hurt. Ha ha ha ha!

A pitch is a pitch when you pitched, and that, my friends, was a pitch. Truly. Where's the ringer now? Oh, the ringer gets absolutely demolished by the Scorpions goalie, and it ricochets to their current frontman, Arthur Eggman, number 108. Arthur has been a favorite to win since game one and has been absolutely dominating the field since he entered the league, oh, eight months ago? Nine? Nine months. You know it. He winds up to receive the ringer. He's clearly looking to score here, and oh!

Oh no! Arthur goes down hard. What's happened? Unclear. You can see the pain on his face, which tells you that he's really feeling it. The other scorpions are looking for the penalty signal, but Judge Ido isn't moving an inch. Meanwhile, the Bloodhawks goalie is serving up. The ringer is absolutely screaming towards the scorpion's bell tower, and boom goes the spell scroll. That's what's happening!

That's the game! The Bloodhawks have won it after coming back from the start of this game 0-3. The crowd is going absolutely bonkers and are beginning to storm the field. Arthur's still wham-jam-jambling there on the ground there. I think he's actually quite hurt. Ooh, yeah, oof. This means the end of the championship and very likely the end of that young star's fleeing career. It just goes to show...

It just goes to show that usually the team that scores the most points wins the game. That's one way to say it, yes. I'm Tank Hammerfall, and thanks for watching. We'll see you next time in another four years.

Incredible. Holy shit. Incredible. I have no words, Derek. Thank you. Well, and that's the end of our session. That's the whole thing. Welcome. Thanks for coming out, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Fucking Derek. You all find yourselves in a tavern called The Exposition. It's been a hard few weeks. Well, months. Well, years.

You find yourselves in the center of the borough of Australia, the northernmost borough of the great metropolis city of Galtica. Staring across the wooden table where you are now all snugly fit, you can see your very best friend staring down at their flagons.

bruised, beaten. A group of thugs having just gotten the jump on you have stolen nearly all your money and even a magical item or three. Without even enough coin to buy another round of drinks, you are each confronting the sober reality of the situation and trying to figure out what to do next.

Stress is high. Your options limited. The citizens of Galtica have been welcoming enough, but also competitive. It's been a trying time in the city finding a place for yourselves, let alone finding the path to your greatest dreams. In some ways it feels as though you've taken two great steps, big steps backwards since coming here.

Before you dive into this roleplay session, I will ask you each to tell us what your greatest, most deepest desire is as a character. And we'll start in reverse. So Maya, why don't you go first? Oh God, I'm not prepared. I'm not prepared. What do you want more than anything in the world?

Is this a physical thing? It could be any dream, achievement, some sort of successful outcome for your life. It could be family, it could be as simple as I wish that I had a pony or I wish that I have a kingdom of my own. From great wealth to great success, it could be any desired goal.

Well, I've always wanted to turn my nifty little rainbow rocket shield here into a real wagon racket and ride that into the horizon like an actual flying mount, but I've never been able to fly. Oh, okay. So flight could be your deepest heart's desire of all things. An apt choice for a heavy loxodon such as yourself. Oh, yeah. I really just want to get off the ground and get tired of it.

The ground's kind of boring sometimes. Thank you, Louise. Toodles. What is the deepest desire in your heart? I did prepare those thoughts. Well, I've spent my life learning and reading and keeping a journal of all of my very best thoughts and secrets and some spells, too. I tucked the book away for safekeeping, and then I forgot where I put it.

And normally, a loxodon never forgets. But I forgot, so I'm looking for my book, and I'm just not going to stop. Not until I find it. The book, that is. Which I lost. Thank you. Gina, why don't you go ahead?

You know, my greatest dream in life would be to divorce that two-time-and-no-good Rudy and make off with at least more than half of his money. But if I couldn't do that, I would at least hope that my mom could win the Price is Right.

Ravioli. Well, I suppose, you know, I want to rise above my post in life. I'm sick of cooking spaghetti and gabagool and galma and mozzarella and all the other things we serve in our Galpakin restaurant. You may have heard the song by Jilly Bo anyway.

And my dream is to be a professional fling fell player. Like the greats, like Mickey the Jagger, Barry the Chopper, all the rest. I want to be one of them one day. That's my greatest dream. Like Mickey the Jagger? Like Mickey the Jagger. I hear he has moves like someone. He does, he does. I got his card and everything. His fling fell card.

Yeah, they would have. Babar, what lies in your secret heart? Well, I, Babar, as you all know, my brother was a pillar of this team before he perished in a horrible, horrible flea and fell accident. I only stepped in when you all asked me to fill in, and I knew that I could never fulfill Robab's shoes. But...

Knowing that my brother is with Gigantis Elephantus Illustris in heaven, he looks down upon me and my only goal is to make him proud. I also have read All Lux of Anger to Heaven. Yancy, what do you got in your heart? Hi, everybody! Hey, hey, everybody, give it up for Babar for that tragic backstory that's tied up this dream. He even gives you a bit of a religious message. It's great.

So my greatest wish is really three prong. I want to start the world's greatest beer company and then leverage that success to start a steakhouse at House of Blues. I think that's only two prongs. No, the steakhouse and the House of Blues are two separate things. No, one is a steakhouse and the other is a House of Blues. You have to diversify it.

I'll set the scene a little bit further. And you're all down on your luck, but you're all very good friends, knowing each other in the city, being some of the very few-- it's a diverse city, certainly, but of the very few Loxodon you guys have tended to click together in that way.

The tavern itself is perhaps about half full, even though it's well after sunset. There are a pair of half-elf ladies gossiping and whispering in one corner. Two scholarly gentlemen debate passionately in another corner regarding how the value of material components are determined. A mysterious cloaked figure sits at the end of the bar. A full beer sits in front of him before his intimidating shape, dusty and untouched.

What are you guys doing?

So are we already on the team? Do we already have a team? You do not play Fleenfell. You're not on a team. I would say maybe you've seen a game, but you don't really know very much about it, to be completely frank. Well, I have to say, as someone who has never quite played this game before, I picked a terrible time to join all of you, just in time to get robbed of all of my worldly possessions. I am not happy. And it surely has nothing to do with Fleenfell.

I don't know what that is anymore. You know, I'm sorry for leading us down that very treacherous dark alley. You know, my printed out math quest said it was a shortcut. You can't even remember.

Come on. Well, this is your fault. You said yes. I saw the screenshot. He had the receipt. He had the receipt, but he did have to promise that it was the last time that he gets to play Gus at my table. You know it's going to be going out the bag. That's right. That's right. Well,

We don't even have enough money for alcohol, which I frown upon because I'm a paladin. Do all paladins frown upon alcohol? I don't speak for other paladins. As he says that, I sneak my trunk over to the guy next to me and I drink up the alcohol that's in his glass. Make a sleight of hand check.

Ten. Ten. As soon as your trunk starts to feel the liquid and you start to pull in, you feel a smack. Like, hey, what are you doing, lady? I drink it up anyway. Roll for initiative. No, no, no. He takes the empty flag and he tosses it at you and it bonks against your head. You owe me another drink. I don't owe you shit. You know, I've had a hard time. Go on, get me another drink. Don't.

You can't just be drinking my ale. Do I look like I have any money? I got my nails done recently, okay? That was the last I had and then some schmuck took off with my wallet when I started hanging out with these fools. It was terrible. And you know what? On top of that, my husband's fucking cheating on me with his secretary. I don't want to hear about your problems. You owe me another beer. You want to take this outside? Do you want to? And I stand up and taro over him like a loxodon, heavy bosom in front of him. You want to take it outside, honey? Because at this point, I got nothing to lose. Make an intimidation check.

*laughs*

13. 13 with an 8 and I don't have plus 0, right? He looks back at his friends. I'll get that ale by myself. That's fine. Thanks. You got a nice ass. He walks away with his nice ass to the bar and sits next to the hooded cloaked figure and orders another drink. You guys seem to be left back to your own devices. So what's the plan now? What are we going to do? We lost everything. Well,

That would not be proper.

But it just worked like game. You know, it was really scary. Why didn't you do that? What are you talking about? I didn't steal anything. He offered it to me. That does quite. But you stood up and scared the pants off of him. He was threatening to fight me. What was I going to do? I wish someone had scared the pants off of me. I wouldn't have shit my pants. They were brown ones. To be fair, that begs the question. We are a group of six fully grown loxodonts.

Who in the hell in Galtica robbed us? It happened so quickly, I didn't even see it happen. They had a knife and you went off! After they took your weapons. I guess I suppose it was foolish when that man asked if he could see my warhammer to just trust him like that. You know what I always say is that when someone says, can I see that? You see... You see it, like that.

Oh, that's right. That's right. Well, you know the old trope on TVTropes.com. Lifeful good doesn't mean lifeful stupid. Well. So I will say is I've never been bent over like Dad since my... Oh, jeez. Oh, boy. My 20th birthday. Oh, jeez. Well, I feel sure sorry for you.

an elephant or a loxen, I hope they never forget. That's right! Well, if we could go to my mom and pa's restaurant if you guys want to eat some dinner, they'll probably let us eat the scraps that are left over, you know, the meals that people sent back because it was...

Overcooked or accidentally poisoned it. Or if it's anything like that Panera place I heard down the road, I know that they gather all their food and they donate to those that can't afford it. Yeah, we could do that. The food that doesn't get bought. Yeah. That would be good. So you're saying that we should steal that food? No, I'm saying we should ask for it nicely and then eat hard bread probably. It's really super dry but we could probably soak it in.

and some broth. Yeah. Well, I'm saying that there's probably leftover half-eaten gabagool or spaghetti or... galama or... I think I'm allergic to gabagool. Oh, well, that... I feel very sorry. It's very delicious. Look, I'm happy. I'm very proficient in these cook's tools. I can make it real good for you. Are you coming on to... I think he's coming on to me. There's a lot of sexual tension at this table!

All of your trunks are like, limply like sitting on the actual tabletop, just like... I don't wanna see it. You don't want it? I don't wanna see it. The joke. Okay. Guys, you can cut it with a little cheese knife.

The sexual tension that is. I don't know if anyone else is feeling it, but shucks, I am feeling young at heart and in my trunk and all some other regions. This has been a very interesting week. I agree. I think... What do we do now? Let's play sleep well, I suppose. I don't like that. What's that?

As you're talking, as you mentioned Slingfell, miraculously, the door bursts open and you see a very tall Earth Genasi standing there in the frame. Huge muscles, covered in leather. Oh, hello. Covered in leather armor. Look at that nice drink of water over there. Very, very short buzz haircut. Oh,

chiseled jaw, Roman straight nose. He's looking for something and he immediately spots the six of you. And he runs over to the table and he says, one, two, three, four, five, six is perfect. You have to help me or I'll die right away. I would do anything for you, honey. You came to the right place. How can we help you, kind sir? Do you have any food? I can order food at the bar.

Oh, that would be great. We just got mugged. I will be right back. Excuse me. Just one moment, please. Oh, that was easy. That was easier than going to your restaurant. He turns and he goes to the bar to immediately... What a nice stranger just gave us food. Another stranger fucked us over in the alley. Yeah. Karma really does exist. You know what my mom always says?

Like, Fanda's always gonna bring you what you want, like a hot, sexy Genasi man. - Moments later, he comes back and he's got trays filled with the different appetizers that they offer at this tavern. - I love apps. - In the other arm, he's somehow managed to, like, all six of the flagons of beer, and he sets them all down with his massive frame on the table. Please enjoy! - Oh, wait, we all must join trunks first.

Hey! For- for- for- for- purpose! He was just talking about the sexual tension! I'm not sure if this is- No! We must all join- let- let us- let us say one brief prayer. I apologize. That means thank you, Gigantus Elephantus Illustrus. I don't have a trunk. I didn't know if I was supposed to join in.

I do not thrust my religion upon anyone. Yeah, except you tried to force all of us to join in on your prayer, so I guess you kinda do. Is the prayer over now? Can I unlink my- Over the lips and through the gums! I said breathe prayer. Wash out stomach, here it comes! Amen! Uh, he lets you enjoy your food for just a moment. We have to get down to business! I have a proposition for you all, I need your help! What can we do to help you, sir? Is it okay if we start eating and talking? Please do! Is there beer?

I am the enemy flimflail clutch and I am here because my team they haven't arrived there, their ship may have gone down or something. But I need six people of the same race in order to enter the competition. Will you join me in this championship?

Six people of the same race. That sounds like us. What is this slow, slow thing you're talking about? You playing on the team with us? It's a sport. Are you going to wear those tiny little shorts? I will be the coach. I will cheer you on. I will teach you how to play the game. Are you going to wear those tiny little shorts the entire time? I only have the one pair of shorts. Okay, I'm in. What do I have to do?

So what happens when you shit your pants? I clean them right away. Everyone says it's not going to happen, but then it does. Sometimes it just does. I can smell it a little bit from here. It sounds like he's naked for a second before it changes. Guys, I was just saying it was always my dream to be a professional fling flower player. I don't know anything about it. Can you teach me?

You'll have to learn how to play Fleeing in order to get on the field and win. Well, yeah, I'm in. Are you guys in? Well, this is our very... No, I'm 100% in. You said you're going to wear those tiny shorts the whole time, so I'm fine. Fantastic. Cheers. Now, hold on. We didn't get your name. What is your name, Sweetcake? Arthur. Arthur Eggman. Yes, sure. Sounds great. I like it. I'll say it. I used to be quite good, but my injury...

What?

What do you mean? I thought it was just like a card game or something, like poker. My brother perished in a horrible, horrible fleen accident. Have you perished in a game where all you're doing is rolling dice and playing cards? I thought you said "spleen accident." No. Remind me of the name that you picked for your brother, Rabob? It's... Rabob. You mean Rabob? You know of my brother! He was one of the best players I ever knew, absolutely. So what happened to his spleen?

I... Oh no, someone must have tossed one of them cogs into it and ruptured the whole thing. If I were to accept...

and become recognized as a great Flean player as well, do you believe that his spirit would look down upon me and smile? If that is consistent with your religion, absolutely! Praise be gigantes elefantes illustres! I'm in. Now you have to understand, this is not just your typical championship. This only happens every four years.

Because this one is sponsored by a gin. A gin who offers all the players and the coach who win a wish. Hey, hey, uh, hey, Alibaster, that was your name, right? I didn't get your name. Arthur. That's right. It's Arthur. Eggerman, you can call me coach.

That's way easier to say than that. How do you even pronounce that name? Where are you from with the name like... What is that name? It sounds like one hell of a game. I need a unanimous yes here. Do we get a really cool four-year montage and do we get to name our team? We will have to pick a name, yes. I'm gonna vote either two options. Either the Cubs or the Mighty Trunks.

Both have merits. I do have a question for you, though, before we get this started. You mentioned a wish. If we win, I win, we will win, of course. If we win, can I wish both to divorce my husband and take at least half his money and for my mom to win the Price is Right? Or is that considered two separate wishes? I don't know myself. If I do it without putting a period anywhere in there and it's all one sentence, does it constitute one or...

wish. That is why this is such a sought-after trophy. I understand this jinn doesn't fuck around with the generosity of the wish. He doesn't screw you monkey paw style. You know, that honestly sounds great to me, yeah, and I'm gonna start doing the downward dog pose. I'm so ready for this, I'm so limber!

Can we wish for more wishes? You might have to try. I've never... I have my own wish in mind. I have to win this championship. Oh, you get a... Do we have to decide on one wish? We will get seven wishes. One for each of you and one for me. So I will use my wish to wish you another pair of hot shorts.

If that's what you want to spend it on. I'm gonna use part of my wish to wish for those shorts to be taken off. It would make Gina really happy. Not a second pair, it wouldn't. Baki, another round of ears. Look, I'm gonna say I'm voting for the Mighty Trunks. I, too, vote for the Mighty Trunks. It's got a ring to it. Wait, what was the other option? The cubs? Cubs! Everybody can say cubs, William!

Or it can be the Mighty Trunks and say, go, go, go, Trunks. Yeah, I'm still voting for the Mighty Trunks. I think that's the best one we've come up with to be honest. So I like it because for short we can say, go TMT.

TMT. Sounds like team, like Luiz. Like Team Mighty Trunks? Is that what you're getting at? Like TMT? Yes. Is T part of the T name? Are we Team Mighty Trunks or are we just The Mighty Trunks? Are we just Mighty Trunks? Nobody if you

This is important, however! Well, when we reserve the domain name, this is an important decision. I agree, however. Are we gonna get uniforms? 'Cause you know I love a man in uniform. And I shit my pants, Ilya, so... I will get your outfits! There's not time! The first game is tomorrow, we only have the night to practice! Tomorrow? Yes. How do you expect us to learn this extraordinarily complex game in less than 12 hours?

I will teach you. I am a great teacher. Well, I have no doubt. I'm learning so much just by looking at you. Put me in, coach. I'm ready to play. All right. Well, you know, Alabaster Slim, I guess it's true what they say. Those that can't do teach. So I guess I'm in for you living vicariously through our great deeds. That's it.

I was a great player once! Well, I have no evidence of that, but I'll be a great player, sure. That's for sure. I will make you into a great player. You're going to play 110%! Well, that's impossible, but I'll give it 100! The Mitotronx is a little unconventional, but I think it'll do. We settled on the name. Typically, we pick things like hellhounds and rocks and manticores, things that sound badass.

You know, I honestly think the mighty trunk sounds pretty badass. Yeah. I think it sounds way better than that! I'll be more than gonna be the dragon turtle! Yeah, or the elepharts. That doesn't sound great at all! Or the dragon board! Or the dragon turtle board! I kind of like dragon turtle. And if you had six floppy trunks in your face, you'd be pretty intimidated too. And they'd be pretty mighty is all I'm gonna say. That's right. You make a good point there. What is your name?

Me? Yes. Oh... It's... It's a pleasure to meet you too, Totus. I almost forgot, but I wrote it on my trunk. And he learns all of your other names, I will say. Hey! My name be Yancy, sir! And I've been trying to think of what I would call my beer company. If I keep my wish, to never luck. I'm just going to call you Yancy.

Well, that's not how I introduce myself, but I guess if you're gonna be rude, fine. Perhaps I'll just call you by your number.

Oh, do we get to pick our numbers or are you gonna give them to us? I was thinking I would give you the numbers, but if you want to pick, that's fine. No, you can give me whatever you want. You can give me what-- Oh, I do have one question before we start. So even though there are six of us, is there room on the team for my best friend and horrific alchemical creation? And then you see this horrific...

winged creature. Oh god. He looks like a veal parmesan cutlet. Oh god. With meatballs for eyes. He's like spaghetti heads.

And like mozzarella stick wings. What? What is that? Arthur reaches forward and he grabs it by the legs and just eats it across the fucking heart. It slams against the back of the barn. What is this? An illusion? Is it disgusting? No, he's my best friend and horrific.

You have to grow up. Grow up for what? If you're going to be a Fleeing Champion, you can't be walking around with real cutlets that are animated in his fashion. If you were as low as me, you wouldn't be saying that right now. You're going to be a star. I'll be a star if Gazpacho can be a star too. It's both of us who I want. Perhaps he can be like a mascot. What?

would a mascot be okay i've been the water boy on a lot of teams he can be a mascot if he can help me he's part of my my talent i'm nothing without gazpacho you want him out on the field yeah yeah i've heard that they do mascot races in half time before and after the game and you're supposed to vote on one of them whoever that usually they kick each other over and try to cheat i don't think gazpacho would ever cheat but

No, I wouldn't have the cheek. I don't think he'd kick anybody with his spaghetti legs. Who wants the cheek? Definitely not me. I vote Gaspacho as team mascot for the mighty tracksuit. I like that better. Better than Waterboy, because if he touches my water, I think I'm allergic. What is he actually, like, mechanically? He's an alchemical homunculus. As long as it's winged, he can look like whatever the fuck you want. So he's not, like, good or evil? He just exists? Like, he's a creature? No.

I'm playing Iron Faker. He's amazing. It's literally a being created by alchemy that you generate out of nothing and he can do stuff. He can fly around. So he's not like a horrible...

He looks horrible. He's not like an actual... He's not like an evil creature. He's a pasta abomination. Arthur stands up. Eggman stands up. And he goes and he fetches the body of the winged veal cutlet that you... He picks it up and he brings it back over to you. I'm sorry that I did this to you, a friend. I did not understand what I was looking at. It comes back. Are you okay? It's our BF. Someone get some Misa marinara sauce. Hey!

You know, it may be because I got my head smashed against a brick wall when we got mugged, but is it anyway that I was feeling hungry? I mean, you know, I know it's your best friend and all, but would anyone else eat gazpacho? I mean, heck, I know I would. I'd have seconds and polish it off with a tall, cool, coarse line.

No, he's our mascot. We can't eat him now. We all voted for him. I would never eat this macho. Mr. Eggman spent all this money on apps. I love a good app. Yeah, you know, honestly, I try not to eat at all. I've been on a liquid diet for the past 14 years. Well, she's allergic to water. Nobody cares. Well, hear me. If we're going to make this work, we have to be...

At Tip Top Shape, we have to be understanding the rules of the game. Mr. Eggman, what shape? Fitness, athleticism, acrobaticism. Fit in what? We have to be at our peak condition. Oh, I thought you were suggesting to fit it in somewhere. No, just to be fit means to be healthy and strong.

Well, and then earlier you were talking about six flopping trucks and they took me back to my 20th birthday. I never said that! That sounded like a really good party. Hey, Nancy, is this all the tension we're talking about over here? My mom doesn't let me go to parties. I very much feel tense. You can see this haunted look on Arthur as he feels like he bought the first car he saw on the lot and he's not happy with his life choices anymore. Six.

But he seems determined. He stands up. Have some coin for the rest of the evening.

But I need you to meet me out on the field at midnight, where I will teach you how to play the game, understand? Yes, sir. Yes, coach. That's right. Can Gazpacho come with you? Gazpacho may also join us. Did you say we have to be there at midnight? Because you know that they're rerunning The Bachelor on Easter. I do not know what that is. If you want to play the game, you're going to have to train.

Alright, well I guess I can miss it. I'll just DVR that shit. Did you hear that, Gazpacho? We're gonna be professional flimflam players! KILL ME!

Hey, is that his adorable cat friend? Wait. Yeah, he says that a lot. That's what they all tell. What language is that? What does it mean? I don't know. I always assumed it was some like ancient alchemical language I never learned. Oh, that's good. Hey, his posture. Can you do a little trick for us?

Uh, yeah, he will. Oh, he probably speaks Parmesean. Um, hold on. He probably speaks Parmesean. Wow. Just needed to make sure I heard you right. Take inspiration. Yay!

You know, I failed out of Parmesian in community college. Go on, go on, Espacho. Kill me! And he lobs a glob of, like, boiling fryer grease at your face. And he arranges it with his neck. And he misses. Oh!

It gloms against the floor and you hear this little blip for a moment as the tree's cooled. It's very useful. Well, shut the hell up. That smell is delicious. Well, anyway, I think the five of us should go get into good shape. I mean, I think Louise is fine if she can handle six trucks at once. I think she's good enough. Well, I'm very lost. Well, there you go. There you have it. I need you to be on devices. I have to go.

He stands up and leaves. I'm going to register you in the competition. And then he leaves. Okay. Thanks, coach. Put me in. Me since Gazpacho, yeah. I honestly think that Lathander might have heard my prayer because he sure did send us a guardian angel and that man. Oh, I thought he just brought over the booty shorts.

What are you even talking about? Well, I figure your guy could sell me really hot shorts. My guy can do a lot of things, but honestly, I only worship him because my mom said I was on the tinders too much, so she made me go to church on Sundays. Oh. Tender can be very dangerous. Yeah, no, for the men. LAUGHTER

Well... You're such a friend. I can honestly say that I have absolutely no idea what to expect coming in tonight.

What are we gonna do to pass the time? What time is it? I would say it's, uh, probably 8:30, 9 o'clock. Why don't we go to my parents' Gulldakin restaurant? You know, honestly, after seeing that weird horrific abomination, I don't wanna go near that restaurant. It's very- look at- Gazpacho, don't you smell great? He's gonna flap over to you. I don't see Carnesian, what is he saying?

I don't understand. I hate it so much. - It smells delicious! That's just the preview of what you can have at the restaurant. - Well, shut up, Zul! - It does smell kind of familiar. Where's that restaurant? - It's down on 42nd Street. You know Gino's Deli? It's right next door to that. - Well, maybe.

Didn't that place burn down like last year or something? I don't recall. I mean, I work there every day. Oh, no, maybe not. I think it's just every month I walk by, there's one of those health inspection notices and it fails. Yeah, yeah. Well, if we're right next door, I don't think a grease fire's caught on there, but... Well, if the spatula needs another serving of marinara for, you know...

I think that'd be great. What kind of book? What? What?

What are the key differences between the books you're currently holding in your hands or your elephant appendages? Hands. Loxodon has hands. Loxodon has... Yeah, you guys are just like... Are they nubs? No. Oh, we don't have... For the rest of this session, I'm just gonna go like this. I was really looking forward to, like, that. Yeah.

What's the key differences between the book in your hands and the one that you're looking for? Well, it had a lot of really important thoughts in it. Oh really? Yeah. What kind of thoughts does that one have? Well, they are also important. Oh! Well, actually something is really clicking in my brain.

That sounds like it might be a medical condition. I think I realized... I had that once. It was horrible. I hope you find the book you're looking for. Me too. We should probably go. Alright, let's go.

Time passes and the bar starts to empty out. Are you guys exiting the tavern? Yes. Okay, you start to make your way through the Australia district down towards the actual port itself where you know the Goodberry Square where the stadium is in sort of a market square of sorts and surrounded by shops

Obviously set up for the purposes of attracting patronage from people going to see the games. This huge stadium, Coliseum Huge, stands in front of you. You explain the situation to a few guards who are posted at the entrances, and they knew that you were coming, and they lead you in and through. You're able to pass through a tunnel,

which eventually exits and terminates at the entrance to this massive field of

115 feet long and some number of feet wide, you eventually find yourself in here. You can see that these large basins have been filled with fire of some sort of magical type. It's a bright white light and it is casting light down and you're filled with a sense of awe as you walk out onto the pitch. Perfectly pristine, beautiful green grass. There's a

line markers that indicate something. You don't know anything about the rules of this game, but you can see there, standing up and looking up with purpose, Arthur Eggman's mighty form, holding a case under one arm and a satchel around one back, and he's looking up at the top, staring at these torches in sort of a pensive silence. What are you guys doing?

Oh, hey there, coach. You finally arrived. You got our uniforms under that arm? Thank you for accepting my invitations. The uniforms will not be ready for our game tomorrow, but I understand we will be able to get them to you by the next game. Oh, we can play in the mood. Oh, we have to play in multiple games? I thought it was just the one. I don't like to be naked.

We're gonna have to. We have to do it. We have to win this. We have to overcome your fears, Tootsie. Why don't we just play in the clothes we've got on? On with that note. There is no need to play in the buff. This game is dangerous enough as it is. You would be very unhappy if you played in the buff. No, but I do think that I would be able to learn the rules a lot better if I wasn't distracted by all your clothes.

I'm leaving the clothes on. Okay, well, it's a personal choice that was probably incorrect. Hey, coach! Yes? Albert, is that your name? Eggman. Just coach is fine. Okay, big C, we'll call you. Are we going to do Trump straps? What? Oh my god!

What is this meaning? Trunk strap, you know? There's gonna be a lot of physical activity. Oh yeah, you gotta make sure you get that trunk strap powder too, because I sweat a lot in the ear. If I'm too active. A lot of chafing action. The Loxodon thing, will it inhibit your ability to play the game? Yeah. Why would we want to strap the competitive advantage up? That sounds like a disadvantage. The chafing is awful.

I don't really know how to play. Well, I'm getting to the rules first. We're talking about a bunch of bullshit. Why don't you get on with the rules? I think it's up leading game. Yeah, what are you doing wasting all of our time then? I'm sorry, just a minute. Yeah, I don't want to do what she said with the sensitive skin and the itching, and I don't like it. This is the field. He gestures around, and he begins to explain the rules of fleeing.

And I'm not going to do it in Schwarzenegger voice the entire time. Instead, I'll explain that the D4s are these pillars. These pillars that are designed to, in part, be destroyed. When they're hit by two impacts from the ringer, which is the ball of the game, they will be removed and no longer be an obstacle. And that'll create, it'll open the space up as the game progresses.

He demonstrates this by taking the ringer and you can see it's this bright glowing orange orb Definitely magical in nature, but it's sort of rubber like and he picks up a long It's a cricket bat, but they're called they call it the blade and it's just beautifully it's called muscle wood beautifully oiled long blade and he takes he swings it up and he takes a crack at it and the damage from the hit

puts a huge amount of momentum into this ringer and it flies towards one of the towers and it bursts instantly into into uh uh uh what wooden shrapnel what's the word for splinters splinters splinters splinters

You know, I really like wooden shrapnel a little bit better. Wooden shrapnel's good, right? Wooden shrapnel's fine. That's English. I hope he has shrapnel insurance. That's destructive. So mechanically for this purpose, whoever has the blade should know that it's a finesse weapon. Its special type is that it is non-lethal, meaning you cannot do lethal amount of damage with this item. It's a two-handed weapon, and it does 1d10 bludgeoning.

So write that down if you need to. The muscle wood bat does 1d what? The bat does 1d 10 damage. 10 damage. And it's a two-hander. The muscle wood would be a two-hander. Mm-hmm.

Well now I wish I took two-handed fighting. Then he takes out the peach paddles. And you can see that these are these long, these wide, almost similar to a shield paddles. And they've got straps on the back, very similar to a shield. It goes...

over the hand like this, and then he just sort of pumps his arm like this out, and out comes this black magical energy just searing forward. It hits the wall and disperses immediately, and he explains that these are the offensive and defensive tools of the game. In addition to being able to use the paddle to hit the ringer, should you not have the one

the one blade that you'll have on your team, the blade going to the goalie. In addition to that, these paddles are used by the rest of the players to knock each other prone. It doesn't do damage, but if you hit an opposing player with it, they have to make a save in order to see if they can avoid getting knocked down, and that just helps inhibit the opposing team and potentially attack you. Got it. I think I got it. Um...

If you ever drop your bat, it is a warning and then a penalty. Okay, only attacks and spells that deal non-lethal damage are allowed during play. If you kill somebody, you will be eliminated from the competition. There are other spells that are generally frowned upon, and there are other spells that are outright prohibited, which could incur a penalty shot. The penalty area is just those squares right in front of the actual...

Actually, I'll point it out here. These guys? You see these blue lines? That's the team lines. And the opposing team can never enter your zone and vice versa. This is the penalty line right here, right next to the bell tower, which is where the bells are. These cannot be destroyed. This is how you score points in the game. You try to take the ringer and you try to hit the bell tower. And if you can do that four times before your opposing team can do that four times, you win the game. Okay.

So the idea is that these pillars are really just to slow us down initially. Initially they will slow you down. Yeah. I will also say that the actual ringer itself will work, and here I'll put a ringer token out. This is how we will track the actual ball itself. Okay, that is the ball. When you hit it, you do an amount of damage to it, be it the... be it the... Wow.

on page three apparently. The paddles do 1d6 bludgeoning damage plus your strength or dex, your choice. Is that 1d10? The blade, the bats, the blades are the 1d10. Paddles are 1d6. Paddles are 1d6 and they also have this special ability to launch at 30 feet this pitch blast. Is it considered a shield?

Or is it a weapon? It's considered a weapon. Okay. You can't use it to block anything, but you can use it to try and paddle the ringer or what have you. So when you hit the ringer,

Let's say you do five damage. That's five momentum points that'll actually go right into the ringer and it will move ten feet for every point of damage that you do and it's gonna ricochet like a motherfucker around here. If it passes by you, if it passes by you, you can take an attack of opportunity as a reaction and try to hit it. It's AC equals its current number of momentum points plus ten. So we're gonna be leaving the math to you.

We'll see. And I don't know how elegant or fun this is going to be. I just made this shit up, so we'll see. Did you say we have to destroy the pillars before we can hit the bell tower? No. It's just friction to start the game, but if they're destroyed... He's going to bounce off them.

Okay. Yeah, it should bounce off them. So we're track clear. When you hit the ringer, you can choose where it goes, pretty much, but generally speaking, it'll go like 45 degree angle straight, right? Okay. And there will be a lot of people in the field because there are six of you and there are going to be six of the opposing team. So there's going to be a

A lot of people are able to take attacks with opportunities, cast spells on you, you can cast spells on them. There's a judge who can blow his whistle and say that's a penalty shot or that's right out or what have you. I think those are all the rules that you need to know. Do you have any questions? Can only the person with the blade hit the ball? Or anybody can hit the ball?

with the paddle or blade. So the blade is... the goalie has the blade. Yes. Right, but can anyone hit the ball regardless of what? That is correct, because you'll all be equipped with a paddle. Right. Got it. Including... and you can toss the blade to somebody else if you... or pick it up from somebody else. I do have two questions. It's the bat.

The one of us have to be our goalie. We have to choose a goalie on our team. I think that you should pick one to start and we'll see how they do. And then on top of that, can you explain how we play this game? Yes, I will. I just did that. But you are very confusing. I know, and I'm going to go into downward dog again. Well, I guess all that's left to do now that we know the rules is get a quick...

It is montage! And we'll be experts! Yes, we'll do the montage! Put on the tiger music! How big is the ringer thing? Does the goalie stand in front of it? Can I pee in this? The bell tower is just that 5 foot by 5 foot square right there. The goalie can stand wherever they want.

You can get hit by the ringer or you can try to dodge out of the way. Sometimes it's good to get into the way of the ringer to try and prevent its movement and maybe prevent someone from scoring, for example. Can you use your reaction to prevent someone from scoring? Absolutely. If the ball comes into any of the adjacent squares, you can use your reaction to take an attack of opportunity against it. Okay. And is using the bat or the paddle in action? Yes. Thank you. Yes.

Can, if we have class features, as if I was a monk to use Floria Blows, can I continue to bash this? You can pound, yeah. I want you guys to do, this is an indestructible ball. Be creative. Be creative with how you're hitting it. And, oh, I have to show you my playbook. I have my playbook right here.

If you take the help action... Yeah, I'll get you one. If you take a help action next to one of your teammates, you can give them advantage on the hit, and that doubles their dice if they do hit. Oh!

So the help action now has use. The help action has always had use. I will happily show that next time we play Farewell, I'll use the help action in a way that's going to be... You'll see. I'm a big believer in the help action now. Thanks, Ziba Shaw. We're all on the ground. We're all on the ground. Oh, one of the limitations is no flying. That is a rule in the game. Boy, that was my biggest dream. Perhaps you can enjoy flying outside of the field. Ravioli.

Did you hear that? I did? Wait, so not even my homo- *ahem* My horrific abominable alchemical creation can fly?

I would have to talk to Judge Idouf about this matter. I think it'll be okay because it's part of your class and I don't want to discriminate against you as a DM. Well, I mean, it's fine if that's what you want to do, just let me know. Ravioli, that's wonderful news. Mechanically, so I can understand how to judge this, is he like a loomie and he's on your turn and he gets to take actions and stuff? So, basically, he has his own deal. He shares my initiative. I go, then he goes.

And he has 30 foot flying, but he can roll on the ground at 20 feet. It's basically like a summon, right? Yes. And if you were a druid and you were like, I'm going to conjure whatever, I probably wouldn't squash that either. So use them how you would use them. That's fine. Okay.

Well, even if his mozzarella sticks get knocked off, he can always just spaghetti across the ground. Other rules are like... I didn't know that it was a verb. Anything's a verb if you verb it, I guess. Can our size anthloxidine improve the... or I guess make it harder to hit the ringer?

Because we're like considered large creatures. We're medium creatures. No, I'm not going to take your size into account. No. There's only certain things that we're considered large for and it's things like carrying capacity, like shoving, or medium sized. Any attempts to ring the bell without using the ringer by hitting it with the actual ball of the game will be a penalty on your team and any ability to try and magically manipulate the

ball aside from hitting it or using spells on it and stuff like that will also be prohibited. Spells from the power. If you have, I think, levitation as a spell, if you tried to stop it before it could reach an opposing player, that would probably be frowned upon. Well, just ask. I would say the best thing to do would be ask before you try to do something. Just let me know and I'll be very generous with questions like that, but if you just dive into a thing and it doesn't seem like the spirit of the game, then I may be

penalize it, which means the game pauses, we reset, and the opposing team gets a penalty shot on you. Is it just for preventing it from hitting the ringer, or can we use spells to move the ball around the rest of the field? Yeah, if you wanted to, like if you have Sacred Flame, for example, and you wanted to launch a flame at the ball and do a small amount of damage to it, that would put momentum on it and it would go sailing. It magically floats about four feet from the ground at all times.

Okay. Does it go higher and lower? No, no. It would be very difficult to hit it up. It would be very difficult to ground it. It seems to be compelled magically to just... It's very Quidditch. Just hand-wavy. So you could Sacred Flame it into the bell? Yeah, yeah. If you had Sacred Flame, you'd be able to use a spell that does damage against it. If you hit a player nearby...

and on an opposing team and you accidentally killed them then you'd be eliminated from the championship I have a question Mr. Eggs How can I- Just coach, it's fine It's an egg-cellent question so don't worry I understand why you'd worry, I will worry you too Anyways

If we kill them, are we gonna get arrested for murder? Or is it like an occupational hazard? Not in Galtica. They're very kind here to the players who accidentally screw up in this way. But in some city states, the punishment for shooting it, flim flil, is even worse than murder.

Well, shucks, I guess we won't cheat. And, down the bar, I used to think it was silly that your brother got horribly killed in this sport, but now I buy it. It's very dangerous. I think we're playing with our own lives. Thank you for finally understanding the severity of the situation. I do. And I really am. It's a thrill that I haven't felt since I was a teenager. A teenage Loxodon. My trunk finally growing in.

I think I've explained all the important things that exist in this game. I didn't really think about how to explain it before I sat down and DM'd this session. Now I will have to go. I'm going to continue to make sure all the arrangements are made for tomorrow's game. And I have to find out who we are playing by looking at the bracket, which should be in the morning.

You can go to the usual place where you enjoy free room and board as players of the game now that you've been entered into the championship. Oh my. Well, that is fantastic. Thank you, sir. That must have cost you a trunk and a leg.

I... no. It comes with... don't worry about this. And then he turns and starts to make his way, having picked up the paddles and everything that you guys will have... I'll say that you all practiced trying to take shots and everything. You guys tried to hit the towers a few times. You did okay. And actually, why don't we make a group performance check to see how well that montage went.

You need a montage. 13. 13. It's a performance. Yeah. Performance? I still got it set. Ooh, 19. I'm kind of good at sports ball. I got a 14. I got an 8. An 8. With three successes, you just barely managed to... This is the scrappy ragtag team that starts every movie of an underdog sports story like this one. Yeah, you do okay. It takes a little while for you to get used to the fact that hitting the ringer like...

it almost like stops you when you hit it and then all that force is transferred into the ball and then it rockets forward with the momentum that you, that you, trying to hit it while it's flying, very difficult. You find, especially the faster it's moving, its AC seems to go up based on how fast it's moving as it passes you. And, yeah,

Yeah, you guys eventually find yourself back at the very nice hotel. You guys are all sharing a room at the usual place, which is the name of this inn. The usual place. And it seems that the sixth floor has been exclusively boarded off and that all the teams...

Oh no.

Walking through this hall is like torture. My undercarriage tingles knowing there are hunky men in every single one of these rooms. Well, how do you know? What? How do you know? I can feel the heat. That's how I know.

From her under gear. I mean, I guess I don't really know. Looking at these schmucks we got with us, they could all look like them, but I feel like we're probably gonna be the worst of both teams. I don't know. I got a sneaking suspicion we're gonna be real good. I think we got a chance to win. I'm with Ravioli. It hasn't been since I started becoming a follower of Gigantis Elephantus Illustris that I have felt such purpose in my life, and I can only hope that Rabab looks down on me with joy. I'd like to be the goalie if that's okay.

I think that's fine. I have no objections. Well, what are your qualifications if you don't mind me asking? And even if you do mind me, I'm going to ask it anyway because from what I can tell, all you can do is handle about six trunks at once. What does that have to do with being a golem?

No, I feel like that's a pretty good accomplishment if I say so myself, but you know... Well, I gotta say, isn't a goalie supposed to prevent things from going into a hole and not the other way around? With my permission, I would let you know. Look, we all know here that she's the best one of us at juggling a lot of balls, so let's just put her in the net and let her deal with it. Great. I have no objections. Maybe we should scope out some of the other teams.

Oh, should we like sabotage and like do a prank? We've already discussed that she ain't gonna support us. I'm gonna walk up and I'm gonna knock on one of the doors. I meant to be friendly. Roll a... Just a moment. Where did I put that particular sheet? That's a very interesting question. I know I should have it in front of me. Ah! Yeah. One, two, three. What's a little better?

Why don't you just roll a d20 for me? I got a 13. You got a 13. Okay, the door swings open and you could see a bunch of monstrous orcs all standing on the other side of this... They're as tall as you are. Huge muscles, even larger than Eggman's.

What do you want, puny elephant creature? Oh, V5-4-5, I'm smelling the blood of some sexy orc men. Do you bring the drumsticks? I don't know what you're talking about. You playing Fleeing tomorrow? We will destroy you in Fleeing. Are you gonna sweat glistening in the

son. We will dominate you for grumps. Oh, God, I'm really liking where this is going. I don't know what a grump is, but you can dominate me all night long. Last time somebody said dominate around Gina, I was cleaning the carpet for a week. That's true.

He honestly probably should have scrubbed it for a couple more minutes afterwards. We will see you on the field! And he takes out a tiny little do not disturb sign and puts it on your fucking doorknob and he slams it in your face. You know, I think that honestly went really well. If things don't work out between me and Rudy, I think he's probably up next with my third husband. How does having the bat, I imagine as the goalie, right? You have a bat? So how does it work with Wild Shape?

It would become one of you. I suppose that is the case, yes. Great, thanks. I just want to know if I would drop to bat if I well-shaped this. That's an interesting question, and I obviously can't think of all the possible permutations for how this game could possibly affect, which is why I'm the DM making these calls right now. I would say that like a piece of equipment, if you were holding a sword, it would become part of you. So yeah, that's what would happen to the blade. Whether or not the judge would consider that to be cool or not, because the blade should be on the field at all times, as T did it.

I'm glad I'm finally 50k! You hear that, Bob?

I was right about something once! You know, honestly, I think at this point we should get to our rooms. I think what I said about we probably gonna be the worst people on the team, I think that's true, 'cause I don't know if you were looking at 'em, but they were ripped. Hey, you know, that was kinda fun, though. You know, Big Orc came back and he pushed his religion, just like my old pal, Babar. He wasn't talking about religion at all. He was talking about sexual experiences.

is that what a grub shiz? Oh, I was... You know, actually, now that I think of it, I think about, in my early 20s, I experienced a grub. She was very pleasant. I'm gonna bang, bang, bang. Hey, friends. Are you banging on a random door? Roll a d20.

20! 20! 20! That fucking dice. He's about to get grumpshed. The door opens slowly with a creak, and on the other side you see this creature you've never seen in your life. It's a snake-faced creature, and you can see that he's tall. Very muscular also, but his entire lower torso is itself like a snake. Yes! Oh my god, it's Beyonce! Get back! Yes!

Hey, thanks, Babar, but no, I think he's not evil. He's just misunderstood and also grotesquely hideous. Are you going to get us some ice? Hey, you know, I actually know the name of a great speech therapist if you need one. My name is B. Yancey Zurb. I do not care for your name. I do not care for you.

Good night. What's your team name? Wait! B-B-Yancy. ASL. Please don't assume, make me out to be presumptuous, but maybe you're not the best person to be advocating for speech therapy. Hey, you know, I get my point across, and at least I don't sound like I'm an evil dark lord supervillain.

Is that where you learn to start every sentence that you speak with the word "hey"? Hey! That's very offensive! That's actually a local dialect from where I come from. It's a family heirloom! It boils down to just this one thing. We're doing all of this in the hallway, you schmucks. Let's get to our room, okay?

I gotta put on my face mask. These two comers in my pocket are getting warm. You make it back to the room and sans any other interruptions or desires to sneak on the other players, you enjoy the benefits of a long rest. Oh wait, hold on, hold on. I can't sleep with that white noise. I'm real sorry, guys.

And I'll take my chef's tools out and I'll take a spatula and I'll tap the lamp next to the store. And then all of a sudden it just starts constantly emitting really loud, like back of the restaurant kitchen sound. Like a team. Like a team shouting, random shouting, like, hey, what's up? And it's like, yeah.

Let me see if I've got this. Oh my god. I don't know why I did that. Thanks for understanding, guys. I really appreciate it. Gina did smash. Perfect. Thanks. How am I supposed to sleep like this? Thanks for coming, Graham. What? I said, how am I supposed to sleep like this?

I think he's saying goodnight, Gazpacho. Anyway, goodnight, Gazpacho. Kill me. You all go to sleep with this, that level of sound. What? I love these machines. It reminds me of a relaxing day at the beach.

I'm just going to pull the eyes out of my head. All right. You enjoy the benefits. You wake up. It's six o'clock and I hear this urgent knocking at your room door. I'll get up and do it.

Oh hey good morning! It's Arthur Eggman standing in front of you. Come in, come in! Have you gotten your rest? Are you all good to go today? No, but make yourself comfortable. We're still waking up. Alright, I brought scones. Oh thanks. I haven't had a scone since my 20th birthday party and I closed the door on it. You need lots of carbs before the big day. Oh is that what they're called? I take a scone for breakfast.

You're very confusing creatures, Velocodon. I also was able to get the bracket. We are playing the flame skulls. I've not heard of them before this, but I am convinced that we will be victorious if it's against them. Pardon me, coach, but how much time do we have before we need to get ready? I must pray to Gigantis Elephantus Illustris. How long does that take? It won't take very long, excuse me.

Can I write her name on there? Well, that was very funny.

Well, that was very pleasant. I also have a morning routine, if you don't mind. I need to just practice my cooking alchemical utensils. And so I take my spatula and I bend it a little bit, and then Gazpacho's like, yeah, me. And then you'll see in front of me another exact copy of Gazpacho appears in front of me. And I'm like, oh, hey, Gazpacho. And the other one goes, ah!

And if you already have a homophilus in the first one, it immediately dies. I have been released! Thank you! Bye, Ubi-C! That is disturbing. I don't care for it. Could you do that in private from now on? What's wrong with it? I just make... This is just because Bacha likes to refresh every morning. I don't want to spend every day of my life listening to someone beg for death. Can we eat him now?

I mean, I never tried. I guess you could. Can you guys keep it quiet? I'm over here trying to watch the days of our lives, okay? Sharon just cheated on Jimmy. It's getting real serious. Oh, did she? Oh my God. Like, sense of the hourglass. These are the days of our lives. Oh my God. I got a place in bed over here for you, coach. And he hops in.

Oh wait, what are we doing? We have 30 minutes before the game! Get up! Get up! Get the rest! I wanna try Diego's Spacho. Is that okay?

Well, he's not dead. This is just new gazpacho. I don't think he's dead. It's old gazpacho on the ground. Well, that's just like, he just, you know how like we kind of recharge every morning? That's how gazpacho recharges. Well, is there a dead gazpacho that I can consume? Well, he's not dead. That's like, I think of it as like a snake shedding its skin is how I've always assumed it would. I just want to know if it's edible and if it'll bring me good luck. No, he's, look at him. He's made a spaghetti and feel parmesan.

And, uh, what's it else? That sounds delicious. And I go, I swallow dead. Enjoy. You know that prayer reminded me of my morning routine. I gotta get my nanny pot and I plow the lawn and I Hurry up! We have to go! The time is now!

Oh, did you bring us our uniforms? I told you they would be done after the first game. What am I supposed to wear? You want me to get into my Victoria's Secret sexy sports bra? I do. No, I do not want us to be eliminated from the competition. You know, I think... Wear regular clothes. Wear what you were wearing yesterday. But what if I drip on it? Do we have to wear pants? There's a lot of talk in the community. Usually a shirt is required, but pants seem to be optional. No, no, this is for you. Keep this. Oh.

Bansons and some sort of armor is good to have to protect yourself from the elements of the battle. Did we lose our armor in the mugging? No, I wouldn't say that. You lost it. Thank God. You didn't lose your clothes. Does anybody want to join me for breakfast?

Do we have time to go buy Lululemon? Because I need a new pair of pants if we're gonna be playing this before. We're the first game today! And we're right up without 20 minutes! No, I thought you said we're getting our uniforms after the first game. Which is right now in 20 minutes!

I'll eat on the way and I take out my alchemy jug and he just starts eating it. I'm quite full from dead gazpacho. That really is the same. Which tasted like everything that had flown through the entire time.

So actual garbage. It's like kind of cold. Yeah, it's corn. So yeah, I'm drinking mayonnaise from the jug. And I can produce two gallons a minute, I think. That's honestly horrific. And I'm going to go over to the icebox and I'm going to take out like three cubes of ice and cut them in half and then I'm going to eat them. Okay. I forgot about your diet.

You gotta shut up. I have a real question for Big C the coach. Big C I like I like it. I have a real question for you. It's a very simple question. Are those scones gluten free? What is gluten?

Gluten really disagrees with me. I think that I might be joining Toodles at the Brown Pan. Yeah, you can have one of my oranges. Do you like fruit? That's disgusting. I'm a Loxodon for God's sake. I think mayonnaise is gluten-free if you want some. Oh!

Oh, you like mayonnaise? I didn't know

I like anything at two gallons of mayonnaise. Gigantes elefantes. You make your way down through the catacombs of this coliseum. Left turn or right turn, Arthur seems to know exactly where to be going. And eventually you find yourselves with two double doors, similar to the entrance that you found yourself when you were originally coming here to train. And you can hear the murmur of a crowd outside the door. Oh, God, there's an audience.

You can hear the sound of drums. You can hear the sound of celebration. You can hear the sounds of the arena emanating and pushing their way through this door. And you can hear the sounds of the magically augmented and vocally trumpeted sounds of the voice of the announcers as the game starts to get underway. Where are our uniforms at? You promised us our uniforms.

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Welcome back, everybody! To another great Grand Flemfell competition. We're brought to you once again by Everwood's Emporium. Tonight, this morning, is the first game of the first day of the Grand Flemfell competition. That's right, it's the first day of the first... What he said. LAUGHTER

Introducing our first two teams that will be playing today is going to be the Mighty Trunks. And they'll be playing the Blood... The Flameskulls. The Flameskulls. That is correct. The Flameskulls seem to already be making their way onto the field. And looking down, the doors don't seem to be open. Oh, they're opening now. Let's see the... Oh, and then that's when you suddenly see the doors open. Oh no, I think this means we gotta go.

We have to go! You have to go! I will be cheering for you in the stands! Okay, you just watch and I just start strutting. I'm wearing like tiny little Lululemon pants and an incredibly like too small sports bra as I just start strutting my way out. I have a little pink bow attached to my hair. We're uniformed! We can't leave her out there like this! After the first game! Go get out! He told us we'd have uniforms next game. This isn't good because Sponger also has stage fright.

Kill me! I told you! I've already made my way out of this. You're doing this, right? It's okay, Louise!

I have problems with listening comprehension as well. Is the crowd like cheering? You walk out and you turn and there's like six people in the crowd right now. It's not like waving banners. It's the first game of the first day. And nobody knows who the flame skulls are or the mighty trunks. It seems that you have no fans at this time. This is the moment where my brother looks down on me and smiles.

Your brother will look down on you if you don't win this game. Go! Oh, coach, that was so... That was a pretty sick burn. Let's go. You all make your way out into the fields. I need you to position your bottle caps. Who's who? Why don't we...

I am the shark. You just say one's your witness. Then let's take a minute. I'm going to take a look. So this is Nikki. This is Maya. This is me. This is Mike. No, I'm this guy. Oh, you are? I'm this guy now. Oh, okay. Well then we have DB and Bud Light left. Oh, I'm Bud Light. Would you like the flamingo or the devil's backbone? I'm a devil's backbone man myself, but I could also be a little pinky today. I'll take the flamingo. There we go. That seems... Am I the goalie? You are. We're using bottle caps. Which side is our side? Yes.

What did you want? The shark? Whatever's more convenient. Wait, didn't we say that while shaping the blade could get us disqualified? Yes, we have to have somebody else as a goalie. I mean, I don't have to while shape. Yeah, that's true. I have 30 HP. We got a lot of games. Why don't we just try it? Let's see how she does and we can always fire her from the position. We can always judge her before it's very ruthless. Okay, but before we do this...

This is our first game. You can only start behind your own. My fault. I've already forgotten what coach is called. We need to rally ourselves together. We need to have some kind of cheer. So let's all put our trunks in and do the cheer of the mighty trunks. What's our cheer? I don't know. I don't know. Um...

You can't see what's at you. I think, okay, it goes, hey, and then you say, Chugs! Chugs! Chugs! Chugs! Chugs! Chugs! Chugs! Chugs win! Chugs win! Chugs win! Chugs win! You guys start to cheer, and there's one guy with a huge, wide-brimmed hat

out in the stadium. So fuck yeah! And he's like, yeah, punk, all right, yeah, fucking punk, let's do that, yeah! So are we ready? Are we going to do this or not? Or do we just do it? I don't know. No, so we just do that. On the count of three? All right, all right. One, two, three. Drunks! Drunks! Drunks win! Drunks win! Drunks win!

Why don't you? In the glory of Gigantus and Lephantus Ilyustus. That was very cohesive. Honestly, I don't think anyone noticed we didn't practice that. I think everybody noticed that they didn't practice that chair. Oh my god, Eric! Oh my god!

Nothing is known about these two teams, which explains our small crowd. I hope our sponsors don't get too angry. Again, brought to you by Everwood's Emporium of Exotic Effects. Thank you, and come again. We're looking at the judge. He appears to be readying himself for the coming whistle, and everyone seems to be getting into position. I think that we're almost ready to play. Yes, it looks like we're almost ready to play.

That's when you hear the king's whistle. I need everyone to roll for initiative. Yes! I'm so nervous. Me too! I don't know what to do! My initiative's zero. Hey! I got an 18!

It took an hour and a half. It looks like your brother's ghost has died in your hand. I can only hope so, B. Yancy. I can only hope so. It's B. Yancy, sir. If only I could find a name for my future beer company.

You look across the field, by the way, and the flame skulls, as intimidating as it might sound, is actually a group of kobolds. All of them wearing exactly identical paddles and the same bat blade that you guys have become familiar with. But they're standing there looking tough, but looking like, you know, a little weak in comparison to your huge horns. Welcome to the gym. Kobold's evil. Lawful evil.

I will crush this team with the might of Gigantis Elefantus Illustris. Non-violently though, because I follow the rules. No, no! You can be non-lethally! We can encourage violence! It's in the rules! Alright, Yancy, what do you got? I got a 16, ladies and gentlemen. Mm-hmm. Babar? 18.

Ravioli. I got a 13. Gina. 11. Toodles. I got a 4. Louise. 6. 6. Alright, let me just quickly... Um... Did she say sex? Sex. Now's not the time.

That's completely wrong. It's always a good time for sex. Is it just because you're nervous and that's how you get your nerves out? I mean, I won't stop you if that's how you work. No, I think it's because Coach looks like a cold drink of water. Or actually, he kind of looks like the I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter guy.

Derek is so deep in thought right now. Sorry, I'm doing the initiative. Hey, I guess if they're kobolds or little fellows, you can probably take out even more than six. I'm canceling one of my decisions. It's just a nightmare to roll initiative for each of my dudes. Oh, okay. That's going to be fine. All right.

That'll be everyone. I'm just gonna run them all at the same turn, if that's alright. Yeah. Alright. That means that we're gonna go... As long as that doesn't give me a huge advantage, I don't see why that's... I think it does give you guys a huge advantage. For them to all go at once? Yeah. Oh, I thought they gave them a huge advantage. I mean, we'll find out. Either way, it's all of them and all of us. Right. So, it'll balance out. Oh, that makes sense, I guess. That does make sense. Let's see, I'll go to Gahar.

It's like a turn-based JRPG! Where there's usually like a 1000 year old dragon that looks like a little girl or something. The ringer is on the center tower. It's floating just above it. Like that one? Yeah, you can say that it's on the same space, but put it there for now. And then...

Babar, you're up. Okay, so just so I can understand what happens here, if I were to hit this ball with my paddle, and it were to do a shitload of damage to someone and hit them, I'm not disqualified for fucking them up? It can only do non-lethal damage. Okay, so I can't kill someone with the ball accidentally? All you can do is knock them out.

Are these supposed to be all flipped up at fours? No, it's two hits and then they're out. It's a three strike system. Oh shit, so if I move up to the ball, I can't make it there in one move anyway, but if I move up to the ball, it's attackable even though it's above this pillar. Yeah, it would be at a height that you would be able to smack it. It's almost like a T-ball for a little league. I'm gonna move up here and that's my turn. Is that walls and stuff? Yeah, that's walls and stuff.

No point. All right. That's the conclusion of your turn? Yeah, I mean, like, is there really any point in getting deep in the enemy territory? I could dash. I don't know. This is the first time I've played this game, too, man. I'll use the dash action and rush at the kobolds while screaming prayers to Gigantis, which sound like this. And they look at you, and they're like...

They seem to be shit-talking a little bit. Yancy. Hey, it's old B. Yancy Zurn's turn. I'm going to make my mom proud. Please be proud of me, ma. And I'm going to dash to run forward. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Because I'm a monk. And I am going to attack it. And if you do this, my standard attack business. AC is 10%.

Great. Oh, that's going to be 22 to hit. That hits. And I do 1d6 plus... Just 1d6? Oh, the front man is running up. He is taking a swing at this thing. He slams the ringer. It is going... It's 1d6 plus your strength or dex. That would be a 10. 10. All right. So it's going to... Holy shit. All right. It's going to be... Can I use my...

my offhand attack as well? Yeah, I would say that you hit it and it starts whipping around in a big circle and then you're going to be able to elbow or trunk it however you want. All my unarmed strikes are going to be with the trunk because I'm a drunken master so I pull out

I pull out a knife, a biller of ice, and I dab it! Yeah, I just didn't know if I had it. You hear a whistle, and a guy with a car comes down and takes the beer from you and leaves before you finish your drive. I'm a trucking master! I stumble up to it and I smack it with my truck for a hot 17! It hits? Uh, no. The first hit, you did 10 points of damage, so its AC would be 20 now because of it. It's got momentum.

Oh! Well... So you do not hit it fast enough to get it with the unarmed strike. It's already sailing forward with your initial hit. I think... Wait, if it does a low amount of damage, it'll kill this kobold, right? No, because I just... Well, I mean, I'd knock him out. Like, totally obliterate him. Oh, absolutely. Where would you like to aim? Well, I would use my... I'd spend a keyboard to put two more trunks into it. Okay.

Shit, that's gonna miss! Yeah, well, pretty high, right? Fuck, that's gonna... I just... You're whipping around trying to do all this stuff, but the first hit, it was so reactive that it just soars forward. But where would you like the ball to go? I would like it to go...

I guess just straight down the middle? Yeah, fucking go right down the middle. Okay, I need someone to control the ringer, so it's gonna go... Tell me every 10 points, because that reduces... 10 feet? Every 10 feet, yeah. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35 is the first down. So it enters his attack at 30, which means that the AC is now 17, and so he's gonna use his reaction to try and knock it out of the way.

Uh, with a 16 to hit, that's going to miss. Uh, oh! It smacks him in the face! And, uh, it's going to hit him, which does a certain amount of damage, which I have written down here. That's fine. Um...

I hope he has the same HP as a kobold! Okay... Do-do-do... Our goblin. He's a goblin! Uh, it actually ricochets directly off of his face and comes directly back towards the other way, so, uh, we need to go another 10 feet, uh, we need to go another... 140 feet? Is that how that fuckin' works? No. What? It's 7 points, so...

It was... We're at 17 HD, so now we need to go 10 feet to get to 16. Go 10 feet for me. Then 10 more feet to get to 15. Yeah, and then another 10 feet. It's going to hit the pillar. It's going to hit the pillar, so that will... One moment. It's going to go left, directly left. Your left or mine? Towards you.

That's 15. Thank you for keeping track of this. It's going to hit that. That's going to go diagonally down and towards me. So towards Maya. That's 15. That's 30. It hits that. It's going to go to the right now towards Kelsey.

So we went 30, which would be 11, this is 10. Yeah, and that's where it finally comes to a rest. Okay. Thank you. That's a lot more complicated than I thought it was when I wrote down that rule. We'll get back to that. It'll go quicker. You said it's two hits per pillar? Exactly. So now it's been hit, both of those have been hit once, which means that they will eventually be destroyed. So I was just going to put the, you can keep them at two. Yeah, exactly. That being said, there was definitely enough energy to knock out

the player in the front row. So he is unconscious. That's what I'm over for now? Is he in the way of anything? It just wham! And he just went down like a sack of potatoes. That'll teach you the best of the trance! We're biting! That's the conclusion of your turn, Yancy. Ravioli, you're up. Um, well, uh...

Uh, real quick, I'm gonna imbue my bat with a +1/+1. You can do a paddle. A paddle, whatever it is. I'm gonna imbue it and make it +1/+1.

I don't know if that's against the rules, but I'm going to do it anyway. Do you have the bat? What do I have? The blade? No, you have the blade. I have the paddle, but it's still a weapon, right? Yes. Okay, so I'm going to imbue it and make it a plus one, plus one, and it doesn't cost anything. And I am going to... You said it's range? It shoots out? It's range. It's 3120. Okay, I will... Oh, I didn't realize that.

Okay. I am going to... I thought I had to be in melee range. Oh, yeah. I know you can burst it. Yeah, I fucked up. Sorry. One, two... Can you just move me... Just right up to it.

Yeah. Yeah, there. I'm going to attack it. Okay. I will note that the ranged attack isn't going to be effective against the... Because it doesn't... The actual... That's okay. That's what I thought. It doesn't do damage. Okay. But the smacking away paddle in melee range does the damage. But the blast would do damage to a pillar? The blast... The pitch only does damage to humanoid creatures like the kobolds you're fighting. It's just to knock them down. It's not supposed to do any damage. You said it's a 30% damage?

It's a 30 feet range up to 120 feet, but beyond 30 feet it's at disadvantage. I'm going to hit it with a... So it's a 9 plus my dex, right? 10, 11, 12, plus proficiency. Yeah, all of it's the dex because I didn't want anybody to be punished for picking strength over dexterity. It's a 15 to hit. Oh, that hits. It's a 10 at a resting state, so you hit. Okay. And it's a 1d6 plus dex? It's a 1d6 plus...

Yes, but you're not proficient with it, so don't add your proficiency to the attack. Oh, then it was a 12 to hit. It still hits. So it's a 10. And it's a D6, right? So 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 damage. Okay, so you add 7 points of momentum. Where are you hitting it? I guess diagonally. So the first thing it's going to hit is going to be 1530 to hit the pillar. Okay, it enters the attack of opportunity. Okay, so that's a 25.

Um, Yancy, do you want to take an attack of opportunity and try to smack that forward? Go for it! I'm gonna, I guess I'll do it! I'll do this much! How many feet had it gone? Uh, 21 and a half. 23 and a half. 23 and a half. Give or take. So, for every 10 feet, uh, it would go down by 2, so the AC is 15 right now. That's gonna be an actual 20, ladies and gentlemen! So do you crit?

Like you normally would? Yeah. Okay. So you've got 2d6 now to dump into this. So that is 6 plus 4, or no, no, that is, yeah, another 10. Another 10, so I smack it with my... So another 10. So that adds on top of its existing momentum, which is currently 15, making it AC 25 and rocketing it down the middle. You can absolutely destroy 50. Yeah, yeah.

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40. It enters 50 or 48. All right, they're going to try to hit it. How many feet did it go? 40. 40. 10. So it's an ACS 21. Yeah, 40. Sorry. It hits. Remarkably, this kobold, he holds up his paddle like this and it smacks down. He almost falls down, but sure enough, he actually manages to stop it and send it flying. He's going to... Do you want to turn the camera?

Oh yeah. It's a 21. I'll stick to the fucking ball. Can I pass this? Or maybe you can put it in the corner, maybe an angle at you to get the whole map. He does four points of damage to it, and he's going to send it diagonally towards you, sir. So that's going to be 510, and then 15 would be the pillar. Okay, so it hits the pillar, then that is going to be a scatter die, and it's going to head diagonally up towards Rich.

No, towards Rich. Oh, sorry. Rich the player or Rich? Towards the player, Rich. So that's 20, 25, 30. Okay. It hits this wall. Then it bounces against... It bounces normally against walls. It's the columns that cause them to go random directions. So I roll for that. It goes directly north towards the screen here. This way? Yep. That's going to be 25, 30. Yep.

and hit this corner. It hits the corner, bounces back, and hits the column again. That's 40. So the pillar's destroyed? Yep. And then it's going to continue on towards me, directly towards me. I should have north-southeast questions. 50, 60...

70. 70. So that brings us back down to... It's still got another 70 feet to go. So it's going to bounce back and forth. It's going to ping pong. 80, 90, 100, 110, 120, 130, 140. And it comes to rest right there. Oh, God, I'm a divination wizard.

Do you get a hit? Yeah, you would have had a hit. So you let it bounce back and forth because it reduces the momentum and makes the AC easier. You intuitively know that this is an advantage. Now I'm taking a swing. Now you can take a swing at it. Ha ha!

He said 1d6. What's the attack? What do I have to roll to hit it? Dex or strength. Well, I'm going to use my strength. Ravioli, what are you doing with the rest of your turn while he takes this? I'm going to use my bonus action to tell my homunculus to do something. So I guess I need a little token for him, too. I only have more Bud Lights. Oh, yeah. Derek has a bunch in his thing. Hold on, he's got it. Or he can do one of these guys. It's a penny. A penny, perfect.

It's very ravioli-ish. Oh, sorry. Don't you mean gazpacho? Do you hit? Uh, I don't know. What's the plus on it? It's 10 right now, and you're not proficient, so it's just your raw dex or your raw strength. That's only going to be a 3. Okay. I think so. I got a 7. That misses. All right, I miss. We're off.

But that's just my reaction, right? Yes. That's right. The ball is already winging around the field. It is truly remarkable to see these new players in action. They're doing very well. The Kobolds have barely gotten out of the field, and they're already screaming into aggressive posture. What are you doing with your bonus action there? So what can ranged attacks do?

Range attacks, if you can do damage to the ringer, then it'll hit it for the same amount of momentum that you would a melee attack. Okay. So then... So he can go 30, so 3... So put him here. And then... He can't hit it. Can he attack turrets? Can he attack pillars? I would say only a ringer could attack. Okay, got it. He'll send his turn there. Okay.

That shouldn't be disallowed, but I'm gonna disallow it because I didn't think about that before this session. Okay. Cool. Done. You can do it! Well done! Yas! And then they're gonna take their turn. The one closest to Andy is gonna run up and try to take a swing at this thing.

All right. And just a natural resting 10. He hits with an 11. I had an opening, too. That's going to be... Boop, boop, boop. Five points of momentum, and he's going to... He's going to hit you, sir. He's going to hit it into you. So the ball comes flying towards you. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw. That's not good at all. Breathe in your God! Save...

I got a two. You got a two. You fail, and so you take the five points of damage where it currently is before it bounces off in a random direction. My armor's worthless. Oh boy. I picked the wrong character to play this game. I should have been a Lockton on Rogue. Which would have been hilarious. I didn't think about it until after we already started. It would have been funny to just be this really long... So you take the five points of damage, and then it goes directly towards you.

Okay. Yep, like that. So that's gonna be five, ten, fifteen. And then bounces back and hits you again. I need to make an additional dexterity saving throw. Twenty. It's a fourteen. Fourteen passes because it is fourteen. You meet it or beat it. Yes. So you're able to dodge out of the way and it continues going in the direction that it was going in for another thirty feet. So it's right behind you. Right behind you. Oh.

No, you mean an additional 30 feet? Yeah, an additional 30 feet. 10, 20, 30. Yep, and that's where it comes to rest. The next guy's going to run up, and he's going to... Is that 48? Yeah, 48. He's going to run up there.

And then he's going to get around to the pillar so that he can sort of get access. And he's going to stand right there. Can you get the other dude? He's just going to stand there. Can you get the other dude into the slot right behind the gentleman you just moved? Why are they all going at the same time? Because they're monsters and it's easier than me rolling initiative for all of them. Okay, gotcha.

He's not that that guy's gonna take a crack at it because he's going to enjoy pack tactics which is what kobolds do and he is going to hit for sure and he's going to Thank you, he does four points of damage to it and he's going to send it screaming into the column that's closest to riches character the That one right there

30, 35. And ravioli? And it's going to go five more feet towards me. Yes, if ravioli wants an attack of opportunity, he can take it. I'm not within ten feet, am I? Or five feet? Ravioli's within five feet. No. Oh, gazpacho. Oh, gazpacho, sorry. Can gazpacho take it? No, he can't. Then it comes to rest right there, and that is the conclusion of... Actually...

Here, I'll just swing around. 77 and 29? Yeah, 77 and 29 take a more defensive posture, and they're gonna go here and there. He's unconscious. He's unconscious. Uh, that's unfortunate. Um...

Question. Can we score points from these squares coming in at a diagonal here? So I'm going to move him. He was blocked here, block, block. Can you score points at a diagonal or does the whole thing have to be clear? You can score points at a diagonal. An opening. I'm so mad at myself. I can't believe I missed my stupid dumb elephant fingers. That's the conclusion of their turn. Gina, you're up.

Oh no, mama, this one's for you. May your heart beat strong. Stop eating all those carbs. I'm going to run up. Come on, Gina. Is this you? Yeah. I'm going to run up. I'm going to run past the thing. Oh no, I'm not going to touch that. I don't do the sport shit. I'm going to run right over here and I'm going to look and I'm going to turn around towards...

Ravioli and towards Yancy. And, oh, Lathanda, thank you so much. Here you go. And I'm going to cast enlarge on both of them. And I'm going to use a sorcery point to twin it so they're both enlarged. No!

No way. Do you have large tokens? Oh, we don't see this very often, but I imagine it's quite effective. Looking at Judge Ito, he's not moving his hand towards that whistle. It looks like he's going to allow it. Your side doubles in all dimensions, and your weight is multiplied by eight.

Oh god! Your growth increases your size by one category, so you're now large creatures. If there isn't enough room for the target double size, I'm a big fella! it fits within the area regardless. Give me mine. You now have advantage on strength checks and strength saving throws. Nice. And your targets, your weapon attacks have an initial 1d4 extra damage. Nice!

Okay, boys, do handle it for mama. One has to wonder if she learned that spell because she was dissatisfied with her husband. Some people have to wonder that. Exactly right. I know I should get a show about myself there. Absolutely right. And that's my turn. And that's the conclusion of your turn, Louise. Louise.

I'm going to move up here and use my bonus action to cast Healing Word at a first level on my buddy... What's your name? Babar! Babar. Babar. Not the first one. Just the second time. Okay, Babar. It's just Babar. Babar be Babar. You take five points of healing. Hell yeah. Thank you. And then I'm going to run back to my goal post and...

How do you, um, do you do, like, cantrip only with spell things, or do you allow two spells for an extra? Whatever the advantage rules are. So you cantrip and a spell, yeah. I have Primal Savagery, which is a melee attack only. Oh, maybe I could. But I can't, can a goalie get out of the line? Yeah. Let's see, that was five. One and a half, two and a half. Two and a half. So three and a half, four and a half, six, yeah.

So if your spell is a bonus action, you can still attack. Yes. You just take a few spells in one turn. Exactly. So what happens in this form where if I take the dodge action and something's barreling towards me, is it still at disadvantage? Then you would be able to move out of the way at advantage? Which we don't really want our goalie doing. I just mean like... We should have picked a different

But like if it hits me, because it hit me at disadvantage, or... When it comes at you, it flies at you with a DC equal to its current momentum, and then you have to either dodge out of the way or decide to stand there. I don't know if the dodge action is...

Makes sense in this case. You want to attack it back when it comes to your weapon space. The first thing you're going to do is use your reaction to try and hit it. If it misses, then maybe throw yourself in front of it because you do not want to gain that bell power. No, I would do that. I would do that. I'm just trying to determine, like, since I don't want to leave the goalie post, what would be best? Just risk it. Yeah. You're not in range for paddling anybody. You could hold your action and...

Yeah, I'm not sure what you should do. Can you hold your action to, like, if I wanted to gain momentum on it, like, use a reaction to hit it and use my action to hit it again and try to hit it harder? That's a good idea. You could ready an attack action, and if it comes close to you, you would attack it, and you don't use your reaction, so if it comes back at you, you could use your reaction to also attack it again. Let's do it that way. I will hold my action for an attack action, and I will go back.

I'll go back to the triggers if it comes within range you could and you take five points of healing got it thank you yeah that's my turn uh toodles you're up wow we're seeing a very highly tactical move they are spread all over the place let's hope

Let's hope that they know what they're doing. Well, I'm 40 times bigger than you stupid lizards. I always think the cold ones are the birds. They both start with a K. That's very offensive. Kenku. I always get them confused. Gotcha. Well, if you stay in one place, you won't be moving. Very wise words from our wizard, but not a lizard. So I'm going to hit...

I'm just going to hit it with the paddle. Oh, yeah, just a weapon. Yeah. Yes, regular attack. And it is a DC's 10. Plus dex or strength. Yeah, oh boy. It is like Quidditch, and thank you. 18. 18 hits. It was resting at 10, so you hit, so do damage now. You're hitting it with the paddle, so it's going to be a 1d6 plus dex or strength. So, 6.

Alright, so it's going to go 120 feet. Which direction do you want it to go? Oh, um... I want to just hit it... I'm going to hit it straight. 120? 60 feet. It goes 10 feet per point. 45, it hits the pillar? 45, it hits the pillar. Let me roll to see where it goes. Oh, yeah. I'm actually going to take my reaction as it flies past me.

Go ahead and take a... So that's at 20 feet. These are five feet, right? Where are you going to hit it? I'm going to hit it... Because you can wait for either of those three spots to hit. So I want to hit it...

Here, I think. That's a half a difference. I want to send it kind of far. Just as far as diagonals and stuff. I want to hit it over here. I want to hit it over there. So I want to hit it diagonally. At the pillar? Yeah. What's the DC? Minus 25 feet. It was 10, it got up to 16, so it's now at 14. I missed. So does it just continue to hit? Swing using the reaction. 45, it hits the pillar. It enters this guy's at 40...

At 40. He'll take a swing at it. 35, it enters his space. Thank you. He hits. It's so hard to pick up a d4. Thank you. Yes. A little fucking here and there. Oh, wow, max damage. So he's going to do six damage, sending it, screaming back directly towards you, Tootles. It's going to fly towards you, 10, 20. Well, Gina gets it. I'm going to hit it. Oh, you've used your reaction. Oh, I've used my reaction. You've already used your reaction, so it's swinging back towards you. 30, 35. Oh, but at 30, he's large. It would be his reaction. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I think he's here, right? No, I'm one further up. I'm there. Yes, yes. I will 100% use my reaction. Get another big 25. I'm going to just hold on a minute while the DC is lower right here. What's that really mean? It'll be one lower here. This is 25, this is 30, that's 35. The 5 is worthless. I'll do that, yep.

So minus 30 from the DC. Put it to the pillar and then see if you can knock it. Thank you. That gets us down to 17. So AC is 17 right now to hit. Okay. I will attempt to hit it. Nope. If it continues flying, make a dexterity saving throw or choose to stand in the way. Or she gets an attack. She has a reaction. You have your reaction. You can use your reaction. So try and hit it back.

17! Or take the head. I don't know if there's a strategic... What's the momentum left on it? It's a 17. Oh no, it moves an additional... It moves 5 feet. So no chance. Still 17. Okay, I'm gonna try to hit it back. Not today. Yeah, get 'em, Toothless! You gotta get it up, Toothless! So roll your damage. Oh, that's right.

2d6. This is 2d6. 6 again. Oh, 2d6. Plus whatever it is. 9 plus 2. 11. 11 points of damage. Which direction? I'm going to hit it straight into the spoiler. That's insanity. Oh, shit. No, I don't want to do that because it's going to hit it again. How do I calculate this? Well, no, it'll just go crazy. I'm going to have

This guy's already used his reaction. That guy would still have a reaction. It's going to be crazy high. Yeah, totally ascend it towards the pillar. And then the pillar's going to go anywhere. It's going to ricochet. It might even kill 48. It needs to go 180 feet. 180 feet. All right, so bear with me here. Yeah. 17, 16, 15, 14. It enters 50s.

reactionary all right so oh it does so he'll take a crack at it didn't he already use his reaction the other guy how much so it was 180 minus 50 is 13 130 130 so 5 so it needed 23 to hit it misses so it's gonna hit the tower which sends it flying diagonally right towards Maya and

Into the other, into the kobold. It smacks the back of his head. So that's another 10 feet, which is going to be... Knocking him out. 140. Yeah, knocking him out. Nice. 140. Yeah, you get a peepers or tootles or whatever you get. And then it flies directly left again towards you, sir. Oh, no. 130, 120. It enters my... No, I'm not. So I'm going to react.

Right? Yeah. Is it a new round? You haven't had a new turn since... No. Oh, no, no, no. You've already used your reaction. So make a dexterity saving throw. So then it's going to be 110. 11. 110. 10.

Is it slowing down? It's at 110 still. It's at 110 speed. I don't think that you make it. I think that it hits you. 40, 30, 20, 110. So I'll take what? How much damage? What's the DC per one time? The DC is equal to its current momentum point. Which is, what, 21? Yeah, it's a lot. It's still 11 over 10. Yeah, 100%. So how much damage? The same amount in damage. Five. Okay, then which way does it bounce off my face? It bounces...

It continues screaming left. Oh no. That's going to be 190. 90, so make another dexterity saving throw. It's just battering into you over and over. I fail. Gigantus, protect me! It goes past me. It hits you again, ricocheting towards me this time. Straight down. That's going to be 70. So I need a 17. Okay.

Gigantus, fuck you. It hits me again for another five. Oh no. I'm good. I have a lot of health. I'm good. I have 31 health. I'm down to 16. I'm good. Alright, and then it goes it goes up towards the TV. That's going to be 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0. And that's where it comes to an end. Because he would have already reacted as well. Yeah. Yes.

That's the conclusion of your turn, unless you'd like to do anything with your bonus action or... Let us board, ladies and gentlemen! Remind me again how the DCs determine for momentum? I'm having a hard time... I don't have anything I can do for bonus action. So when you hit it, an AC is at 10, like it's resting, right? So let's say you hit it and you do 5 points of damage. Now its AC is 15.

Dodging out of the way is the same DC, it's 15. But every 10 feet that it moves, it goes down by one, it goes down by one. So Kelsey crushed it for 13 points of damage. That puts it starting at 23 AC. And, you know... It gets harder to hit as it's moving faster, and it bounces around a lot, obviously. And that was always my point, my objective. So I'm glad that we're seeing this ridiculous mayhem. Thank you for bearing with me. I got you, bro. That being said...

that is the conclusion of the round. But, Bar, you've got a turn. Hey. Fuck these little pricks. Uh...

Where do I want to hit this thing? I'm trying to get strategic here. So I take my lumbering paladin form, elephant form, and I run around this pillar, and I'm going to try to attack it here. All right. And I want so badly. An unusual move from number, oh, they don't have numbers. That one, that one there. He's about to hit the ball. Watch him. Go. Watch him. All right.

Come on, you can do it! As an action, I can imbue my weapon with positive energy. For one minute, the weapon is considered magical. I can add three to the attack rolls. It emits a bright light for 20 feet, so I'm just, I'm gonna use Sacred Weapon to imbue my paddle. We finally have, the Mighty Trunks finally have their first fan. We haven't talked about this, but if you use the Twist of Fate to hit the ball, it'll auto max damage.

Okay. Am I good with sacred weapon? Yeah. On my paddle. Yeah, yeah. He's imbuing his weapon with magical energy. We've seen this a few times. Gigantis Elefantis Illustris. So majestic. It's going to be a 19 plus a lot. Plus like six, so 20 something. He absolutely demolishes the ringer. 1d6 plus my strength. 1d6 plus your strength.

that's gonna be max damage for nine points of 99 points all right let's do it uh and i'm gonna hit it in an angle for 10 20 30.

Jesus bless me. There goes the ringer. That's one point for the mighty Trunks. Oh, no. Hey, maybe we should all become religious. You got a pamphlet for Gigantopithecus McGilligalus. I've got a minute to talk about Gigantus. Oh, my God.

All I gotta say is that that ringing sound really got to me. - The sound reverberates, and even though the crowd isn't huge, everybody is on their feet clapping and screaming. The kobolds look immediately disheartened by this information, and you can hear the announcers coming on, the speakers, for lack of a better word. Wow, what a great first move by that young new player.

Once again, the bell has been rung. Every bell, as newcomers may not know, every bell is sponsored by one of our many sponsors. Norris Foundry! In this case, it's Gnome Depot for all your adventure needs.

And yes, I have a list of 22 sponsors. All right. Well, they're going to do, everybody's going to reset and then we're going to make our way. It takes about a minute to reset all of the items. So everyone goes back into whatever starting positions you want. And we are restarting. Pillars too? Totally new initiative. Holy shit. No, not the pillars. Not the pillars. The pillars last for the whole game. Oh, how long are they gigantic for? Only a minute. All right. So it'll fall off. Yeah.

Do we want to be just like in the exact same position? Oh, you were like back here hiding. Are you feeling froggy? I'm feeling a little bit braver. Can you put my dudes back in their configuration as well? Yes. The ball is here. I hit the ball and I didn't break anything. We've got, we can all scooch down a little bit here. We got Ravioli and our dudes and Gigantis. Let's get ready to run out! Are they doing the same formation?

Flying V? Yes. Oh, do they get awake again? Do they get awake? Yeah, people run out and they cure wounds and get them back up to full strength. And you can hear a lot of talking. There's a lot of massage oils involved, that kind of stuff. So everyone resets their points too? Mm-hmm.

Nope. Nope. You're only like brought back from unconsciousness. So I sell 16 health. Oh yeah, we're still finding the flame skulls. Perfect. Oh, no, someone definitely runs up and gives you a medicine check. Oh, can you hear that? Somebody definitely runs up and gives you a medicine check. You heal for nine points. Oh, damn. What the fuck? Nice. I can do this all day. Hey, hustle everyone. And I'm going to go and give everyone a firm smack on their butts. It's not sexual harassment. We're on the same team.

I read somewhere that's common in the sports. I mean, I guess this is okay. It's a sign of camaraderie. Don't forget gazpacho. Oh, gazpacho. Oh, my hand is covered in marinara salt. You hear Coach Eggerman from the stands, Well done, I knew that you could do it. Keep it up. And that's the king's whistle. Let's see who's going to take the ball this time. Did you ever wonder who the king is? Nice.

Alright, um, Yancy. Oh, oh, I got a, I got a 14. 14, Babar. 15. Ravioli. Uh, 14. Gina. 18. Toodles. 20. Louise. 13. I have my secret calling. It's fleeing. Three, uh, Yancy, Ravioli, who's going first? I'll go first. Yeah, I'll go second. I'm B. Yancy.

Don't forget we have some ways to say thank you to all of our followers. You know what they say? Be rootin', be shootin', be kind, but most importantly, be Yates! Didn't Tootles get a 20? I'm sorry, Tootles, you're up. Oh, I go first, yeah. Oh, I go first. Oh, crrrr. Oh, crrrr. And I can... One second. One second. One second. One, two, three, four, five, six. Your speed should be 30. Yeah, I know. Give her brain.

Oh, I forgot to shoot my... I'm looking for some drones. How does the Puck handle saving throws? I would treat it like a creature and maybe it would actually... I don't know. It's a case-by-case thing, but I genuinely would think of it as a creature for the sake of most abilities. Like, for example, I figured if someone was playing a rogue, the sneak attack of...

text specifically says it has to be a creature and I was like yeah but taking sneak attack away from a rogue in this context feels bad so why not rule that it's a creature I don't know what do you want to try to do I'm looking at something that no I thought that was a person that might want to say something on it it would probably just fail

You can cast a spell out of a thing! I can hit the ringer with range with my paddle. No, no, no. With the spell! No, you cannot use the paddle at range on the ringer. It won't do anything. But you can cast a fireball. Yes, you could damage it with a spell. Oh, or like a chill touch! You could do the under one. Yeah, you could do that. That would be within range. Okay. So 510, 1520...

So I'll cast Thunder Wave. Yeah, Thunder Wave. Oh my goodness, ladies and gentlemen. We've seen this one before. It's a classic. I used to be able to do that. It fails.

Excellent. Okay, so what I don't know how to do. So deal damage. You do 2d8, the normal damage. 2d8! It also gets pushed back 10 feet away, so can we add 10 feet to that maybe? Push the 10 feet and then the momentum will kick in. Holy heck, ladies and gentlemen! So lower your damage. What direction are you pushing it in? Oh yeah, you should decide a direction. Do you want to push towards the peeps? Uh, yes. So where does it start? It starts here. It starts here, so...

Yeah, I just want to hit it. Just drill this guy. I want to hit it right up the middle. So 10 feet back. Move it 10 feet towards them. And then she'll drill them. And then now it gets exploditized. That's nine. All right. We go up to 19. So nine total. So it's going to be eight.

Seven. It enters its range. Eighty-five's range. Okay. At seven, it's going to attempt to hit it back, and it's going to fail, so it gets knocked unconscious. It bounces off his face. Okay. Directly back or in a different direction? And then it's going to go... Wow, where did I put that? It's going to go directly back down towards the center column. Six, five, four...

It hits the column. It hits the column, and then it's going to go north towards Nikki, diagonally towards Nikki. 2, 1. Yep. And then 0? 2, 1, 0, yeah. Wow, this ball is already bouncing everywhere. The ringer is doing exactly the work that it's intended to do. That's the conclusion of Toodle's turn, unless she wants to do something with her bonus action.

Gina, you're up. I'm going to move... What are these things? You can see through them, right? Okay, so I'm going to move up to there. And then I'm going to cast Firebolt on it.

Okay. I will... It's not a disadvantage thing, right? I have to make a... No, I attack it. Oh, it's an attack roll? I would say it's going to be a disadvantage. Those are intended to be like walls that are... Oh, that's why I just asked. I heard you, but I didn't feel like I could get the answer out in time. It is a wall. That is part of the stadium. Okay, so then I will move over and then move down and cast fire. We're still large, right? Or no? No. Two, three, two, one.

Because it's 120 feet, so I'll be fine as long as I can be on point. So you see that it flies in this other direction, it's coming down to a slow point. You might just score. 10. 22 to hit it. That hits? Fuck yeah. So if you hit this hard enough, it might zip right fast, all three of these dudes. 8. Alright, so it enters the first one at 17 and a half, which is 18.

He's still 18. Oh, yeah, 100%. 18. He's going to get a 17. He misses. Next guy, 17. 29. I want to be a black star. Natural 20. Oh!

So that's gonna go... I mean, he's still gonna get unlucky and it could just ricochet fucking in there. Yeah. You can choose where to hit it, right? I don't know. Right, but he doesn't have a lot of options. He's gonna put 10 on that and he's gonna hit it diagonally back the direction that I was going to hit. So that's gonna be... Hold on. So 10 more where we're left off at 17. We're at 17, so we're at 27. So it's gonna be 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21. Fuck.

20. It enters my range. I'm gonna use my reaction. Yes, 20. 28 feet. No good. So it's gonna zip past me at 19 and a half and enters Yancy's reach. I gotta do it, ladies and gentlemen! It's a 19 to hit.

Wow, that's really screaming. I miss! 18, 18 and a half, Maya's reach. Oh no! Holding actions doesn't count on the reset. You were holding your action last round, but you're no longer holding your action, so it's a straight different combat even. Reaction, and I'm adding my strength or my dex. I will add my dex. This is 18 and a half.

- Natural 20! - Thank god, you're the goalie! - That's why she's our goalie! - I have the bat, so it's 2d10. - Yes, it is. - Yes! - The flame skulls asked a question and it seems like the mighty trunks have the answer. - One. - Send it back the exact same way. - Four plus, what is it? Dex? - Oh, you wanna go in the same direction. - Six points of damage.

No, that's okay. So that's 18 and a half. Did you add your strength or dex? Yeah. I rolled a one and a three. So it's 24 and a half. Let me guess. Which direction would you like to send it? The same direction it came from. I'm not trying to tell you how to take your turn. Yeah, we can do same direction. Okay, 24 and a half. 24 and a half. So that's 20, 24, 25, sorry, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 20.

17, 16, 15. With a goalie. So 25 DC or AC on 50 on the goalie. Thanks for the bits, Winnie. With a plus four to hit, a three. Yeah! Yeah, my bad!

Ding, ding, ding. The mighty trunks are absolutely crushing it. She can stuff holes and she can block holes. She can stuff holes and block holes. That was yours. Roll a d20 for me. That's why I'm not a poet. I don't know. A two. A two. This bell ring brought to you by the True Resurrection Agency. Our day starts when yours ends. I start twerking up against the rigor of the world.

It immediately demolishes. Trucks win! Trucks win! Wow, the flame skulls don't even have to move from their position. They were so lackadaisical about the beginning of their round. I see the minutes are coming out to unconscious, uh, to consciousify that, uh, that gentleman who fell down. Yes, they weren't very effective that game. I hope that they actually get a move on this next one. I understand that they rolled one on initiative. Ha ha ha!

Alright. It resets. I'm green. Put yourselves in any new positions you want to be in before the start. I think I want to switch. Yancy, will you switch with me? That was a great point. Oh yeah, that's my name. That's my name. Here, yeah, I'm five. That's not my name. That's not my name. I'm on my first domestic beer, so I'm feeling real good lately. Roll initiative. Woo!

Keep in mind we have two twists. We have plans to do this. We're going to need those for the championship. Fuck. I got a two. I got a nine. I'm going to do them in order. Yancy, what do you got? 22. Babar? Two. Ravioli? Four. Gina? Eight.

Toodles. Eight. I'll go first. Louise. Nine. I have a dumb question. Yeah. Is it safe to assume that each of these games will happen on different days? Yeah. First day, second day, third day. Beautiful. Okay, you got it. You remember that from the many rules that were given by- How many goals do you have to get to win? Is it three? Four. Gotcha.

Alright, one moment. I am doing initiative things. You guys are asking me all these fucking questions. Sorry, direction. That is one damn thing.

Man, you guys roll like shit. Holy fuck. It's time for me, Nancy, to beat the bats like no one ever was. To catch them is my real test. And to exploit their powers for my own personal gain is my call. Jesus. God, you took it to a dark place there. That's dark. That's dark. Rip. Gotta catch them all against their will.

That's why I have a Master Ball! Chugs win! Chugs win! Chugs win! And that's the sound of the whistle. It looks like Yancy's making a move. That's me, Yancy! Do you be Yancy, sir? And I'm going to run forward. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. Oh, that's not me! Oh, this is me! Ha!

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, ladies and gentlemen. I get pumped up when I've had, okay, I'm going to have my fifth. Okay, here goes nothing. You know those ball people in tennis matches that have to just run out and grab the ball and be like that? Every time he drops like a Bud Light on the field, there's a small kid who's like grabbing the can and running back off. You can score. Okay, we may have found a weakness in this game. I'm not going to exploit it. Go ahead, go.

Oh, shucks! Oh, I hit it! That's a 14! So I'm gonna roll, I gotta hit it first. So I can't just do it really quick and hit it after all. The damage raises the AC and then you have to... It's like Legend of Zelda! So that'll be 7 points of damage. Okay, so it's now at 17. I'm gonna hit it with my Unharmed Strike! Oh, shucks!

That's gonna miss! But I'm gonna channel a slothily drunk point, also known as the key point. Come on! Wait, hold on! Is that good enough? That's good enough! That's an 18! 18 hits. Okay, I get to roll damage. That's gonna be... For monks, is it unarmed strike? No, that's an 8, an additional 8. Yeah. So what's the total damage? 25. You did 20... Wait, how much damage total? 15 total. Okay, 15. So 25...

I gotta get a 1920 here, ladies and gentlemen, to hit it. Dang! Almost. Okay, that's it. With a 25, where are you sending it? Yep. Yep. I'm gonna hit it in the diagonal, ladies and gentlemen. So you said, what is it at? 25. 25. 24. 23. 22. 22 and a half. 21 and a half, it enters 30's range. 21 and a half. Natural one. Wow. 22. 22.

Is at your 77's range. 21. 21 is 77's range.

Nine, nothing. 20, so still 21. It'll be 20 and a half. 20 and a half. The kobolds are really swiffing here with a natural. It's going to be 10. So it hit. Ding. Ding, ding, ding. This is a power. Now I've switched to my importance. All the way from... Roll a natural 20, Yancey. Or roll a 20. This isn't a weakness in the game. It's a weakness in the kobold's defensive strategy.

20 is a 19. With a 19. Oh. This third bell of the game brought to you by Sherry's Berries. Why not send an extra sweet treat to friends, family, business associates, and everyone you know? We've never met a person who didn't love Sherry's Berries. Send giant dipped berries from Sherry's Berries for only 20 silver. Double the berries for just 10 silver more. These berries are terrific and they make a great gift.

Need berries in your mouth right now? Just yell out berries three times and we'll bring our enormous, ripe, fresh berries right to your seat. You've got to see these enormous berries for yourself. Order some fucking chocolate berries for the fucking person in your life. That bar immediately yells, berries, berries, berries.

and looks around expectantly. There's an actual radio commercial for Sherry's Berry that basically... Is that real? It's sponsored by Sherry's Berry.

- I mean, listen to my fucking talk radio every other second. - I don't drive anymore, so I don't listen to the radio. - Shavar looks around expectantly. - It's a bit twinny. - It's true. - It's true. - Berries, berries, berries. I need some cherries, berries. Bring it here in a Harry. And my uncle's name is Harry. - In a Harry's carry. - In a carry.

I mean, that's... It resets. That was brilliant. That was brilliant. Reset your minions so that they're not... Clearly, they've realized that they've never played this game before either, so they're gonna go here and here and here, and then they're going to... Attaboy. ...stretch out. That's solid. That's a solid defense. Yeah, that's a different configuration. I like it. We're fucked the turn that they go first. I'm still twerking on the goalpost.

It's slowly demolishing. No, he got a pretty good defense. All right, with only one more point to go, let's see if the Flameskulls can put a point on the board. I need everyone to roll for initiative. I honestly think Yancy and I should take posts behind here and here. Well, why don't you put Gaspacho there? Oh. Gaspacho can't take. And I'll back up. He can get hit by the ball. He can get hit. Yeah.

Sorry, we roll initiative? Yep. Sorry. Can we have someone stand in one of these? Well, we've got a block. Yeah, I mean, that's fine too. Either way. Oh no, the plosher's here. Very nice. Alright, Yancy, what do you got? Oh yeah, that's a nine! 16. 16. You're out of your own. 23. Gina? Oh, 16. 16. Toodles.

For six. For six, Louise. For five. For five. Well, the coupons are going to get a lot of dude, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, they were next in that previous round if you hadn't just fucking destroyed that shit. I don't know what to tell you. I call that the old BNC Yankham. Babar or Gina, who's going first? Babar or Gina, would you like to go first? I would love to go first. Go for it. Three, two, one. If you let me go first, I'll help you out. I'm going to cast Blast.

Well, I'm gonna cast something, but... Up to you, up to you. I'm not gonna be hitting the thing. Yeah, me neither. So up to you. Then if you'd like to go first, go ahead. Because either way, we're just both gonna cast spells. We're taking a defensive position after we just smoked the kobolds twice. She's going first. She's going first? Yeah. Alright. And then... These berries are very delicious! Everyone's just tossing berries onto the field. Ravioli, you're up!

I'm going to run up to the ball. The new guy is coming out of the play. Let's see if he's got the same stock as his teammate. Might as well make this thing work for me. I'm going to cast Arcane Weapon onto it. And it will do an extra one for as a bonus action. It will do an extra 1d6. Let's make it Thunder Damage. Yes! Thunder Damage! Do it! And I will make an attack.

16. That hits. Yeah, it starts at 10. It's always resting 10. It's got resting 10 faith. 6. 6. Jesus. 15 damage. 15 damage. So it's now at a 25, and it is going to scream wherever you want it to scream. I'm going to make it scream...

Diagonally towards us. So you said 25? 24, 23, 22. It enters 30's range. Alright, 30's going to take a crack at that 23. 22. It's going to hit.

- Oh, wow. - The roll of 19, it's only gonna do three points of damage after I drop my phone, but it's going to do those three points of damage and it is going to head it diagonally back in exactly the same direction. - Oh, no. - So back to 24, 23, 22, you have a reaction. - What's the AC? - 22.

I'm gonna take it. I will try. I miss. It continues. That was 22, 21, 20, 19. It enters Gina's range. Oh, I'm hitting that mofo. 19. Yeah, I got an eight, but you know what? Lathanda, I feel like you really just have it all in for me. So no, actually, I'm not gonna do that because it's not gonna help me at all. No, I just miss it. You could use the twist.

So 18, it's going to enter Yancy's range. Sorry, 18 and a half, so still 19. Natural 20, ladies and gentlemen! Yay!

- I got a seven beers in. - It's really amazing to watch the drunker he gets, the more savvy he is with his trunk as it swings in and the paddle just suctioned to the end of that wild appendage.

That's gonna be 12 plus uh, plus 4 16 points of damage That's gonna be 34 34 and a half. Where do you want to send this? Right back the same way. I'm gonna send it right back the same way I'm gonna murder these goblins. Okay back the same way. That's 34 33 32 31 30 29

28. And he's reaction already. He just hits him. He gets knocked unconscious because it does 18 points of damage to him. And then it flies... What did I say? 31? It flies towards Rich. It flies northwest. 28.

27. Now right back out, right? Yeah, it does the screensaver thing. 25, 24, 23, 22, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 51, 52, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53, 53,

2, 1, 0. Oh, no. Because I'm doing a bug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's where it finally comes to rest. Wow. Wow. Good turn, Ravioli. What else do you want to do?

Alright, it's still my turn, I guess, uh... What are you doing? I'm doing the screensaver thing. I'm gonna have him fly right out. Straight ahead. Yeah, here we go. 6. Got it. It's harder with a larger screen. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. Attacking the floor does nothing, right? Yeah. Right. No, I'm just trying to see if he can even remotely hit, uh... Um...

Can you adjust the camera a little bit? I'm going to use my bonus action to make him sprint. Okay, he'll just chill right there.

What does he say? Kill me! He's waiting for death. How many hit points does he have? How many hit points does he have? Not many, let me see. 18. He's got three times the hit points of the kobolds. 50 is going to run forward. It's their turn now. It looks like the kobolds are finally on the move. How far did he move? He wants to run to the space adjacent to his buddy.

Yep, and then towards me, one more, so he's in range, and he's going to... I think he's just going to hit it straight down the pipe, and he's going to try anyway. Let's see if he does any work here. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, 100%. Well... Oh, boy! That's going to be four points of momentum of damage to it, so it's going to go... 14 total? Yep. 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 9 1⁄2. It enters your...

reaction let it go one more eight no nine one more wait nine eight and a half yeah she's waiting for the AC to drop so it's slowing down a little bit very savvy move on the part of this female elephant creature I read it in a book ooh that's bad

I forget, do you add anything? You add your dexterity or your strength. So eight. Is that it? That meets it. Oh, it does! Yes, eight and a half rounded down is eight. As low as they see is ten. So then we're at eighteen, sorry. Yes. But it only did... He only hit it for fourteen, so I'm counting down to eight, so it's ten. Ten is the bare minimum. So even though we're counting down to zero... So it should only have gone forty feet from where he hit it. Oh, right.

So I'm gonna eat squares.

So, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. That's where it comes to a stop. I understand. The two, not the unconscious gentleman, because he's already unconscious. Man, these kobolds suck. The two on the other flank there, I don't know. Yeah, those two, they're going to dash forward. What's the total movement? Their movement is 30, so please give them a full 60 feet forward. 50 feet.

55. Yep. That'll be good enough. Yep. 10, 20, 30, 40, 50. And then the guy in the middle there, he's going to back up. Andy! And he's going to take a step towards you, Andy. And the other one there is going to... Yeah, 48 is going to move to the equivalent spot on the other side of the bell tower. Thank you.

Well, they're playing defensively here, but let's see if they can actually put some points on the board. It would be a hilarious comeback after such an extended period of combat for that to happen. That brings us to Gina's turn. Gina's making some moves. I am going to... She's a very clever player. I saw her enlarge some dudes recently. Yeah, I know. I'm going to move forward all the way to wherever...

Okay, perfect. And I'm going to cast Bane on 29, 77, and 50. Bane. Bane. So they all have to make charisma saving throws. Nice.

What's the DC? 13. First one succeeds. Second one fails. Third one fails. Okay, so the two that failed now have to subtract a D4 from their attack rolls and their saving throws. Okay, what? 77 and 15, right? 77 and 15? Yeah, 75. 5-0. 77 and 15. All right. B and B. Got it. Thank you. Okay.

Yeah, no problem. That's all I got. I'll put that on 77. That's on 50. Oh, and actually, you didn't hit 29 yet. The only thing I'm worried about is mixing them up. But it'll be fine. Babar, you're up. It's your turn. Sorry, I'm just plotting my move here. This is awful because it doesn't go anywhere. And then this is even worse because...

Where's our little hexing thingy? What hexing thingy? From the board. Just so this is yours, so it just bounces this way. Oh, shit. That's actually not terrible. Well, no, I can fuck this real bad there. I could just try to crush this guy, but then I might get myself. Oh, let's try it. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. And I'm going to make an attack on the ball. Take him out! So the resting 10.

It's going to be good enough. That's going to be, I guess, a plus three, right? So 14. And I'm going to hit it.

directly at him. The Loxodon has taken a real beating, has run up, and he seems to make contact with the ball. Let's see what happens with him. 16 total or 160, well, 60 feet. 16 damage? 6 total. 6 damage, okay. But first it hits him. He's going to make a dexterity saving throw. He fails, so he takes enough damage to knock him out. He actually got out of curiosity because this is funny.

Yes, he got negative three on his roll. And it hits him, but it does bounce in a random direction. It's going to go due west towards you, Andy. So that's going to be 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 40.

You can use your reaction, Gina. Haven't I already used? No, I used it already. Did you? Yeah. So you can let it hit you. Or you can let it hit you and it'll go a random direction or you can try to dodge out of the way. And it's at 11. I guess it's at 11 total. Yeah, I'm going to let it. So what happened if I let it hit me?

It goes in a random direction. Yeah, I'm going to let it hit me. And it'll give you a damage equal to its current momentum. I didn't buy the Lululemon pants for nothing, and I'm going to hunker down and let it hit me. It's one over ten, so it'll only deal one point of damage. Okay, so yeah, it'll do one point of damage and go in a random direction. So you thrust your chest forward and just let it smash into you. It goes... Oh, boy! It goes directly towards Kelsey.

11, 10. And that's where it'll finish its turn. Okay, so we're not doing zero. We're going to drop momentum at 10. Right. The reason I've been going to zero is when it was like 30-something, right? And I just count from like 20-something to zero. Yeah. That's the end of your turn, Babar? I attack, right? Yeah. Yeah, I'm done. The answer, you're up. Oh, it's my turn already? Well, that's great to hear. She's the best.

Man, he is really slamming those Coors Lights. I don't think he's sponsored, but he is stumbling towards the ball. I know, I'm no longer Coors Lights with the black blue. I remember being that drunk once. It was an unpleasant experience. I'm a dwarf, so I can drink a lot. That's going to be a 14. And then I'm going to go in for the, oh, I got to roll damage first. That is going to be a six.

And so now it's the AC 16. And that is going to be 16 that's going to hit. So move 6. Hold on. He has to get all his damage in. 16 and then plus 8, 14. So plus 14. So you're at 24. So 14 total damage. So 24, 23, 22, 21. It hits this. Great.

It's going to go northwest towards Rich. Same direction. Same direction. 20. 2. 2. That's a thought. 21. 20. Dang. Bang!

And that's the game. The fourth belt in a flawless victory. A clean sweep. Roll a d20 for me young gentleman. We won. We did it. I knew we could. Natural 20. It was a natural 20. Let's finish our sponsor off with the Gnomish Materials Company. Everybody needs a little Mercer in their life. That's a great one. I like that. Hey. Hey did we win?

Chuck Swin! The few people in the crowd are cheering. You can see that one guy who was originally doing the chant with you. He's like, yeah, you guys are awesome. I love you guys. I'm going to tell my friends about you. And then...

That is the conclusion of the game. The kobolds, having never scored a single point, drop their paddles and dejectedly walk off of the field. Moments later, you hear Arthur Eggman, who's jumped over the stands and rushing you onto the field. Well done, everybody! I can't believe you did so well! You are perfect for this game! We're going to take it all the way to the top!

As the kobolds are skulking off the field, I yell, As I said, you have been defeated in the name of Gigantus Elephantus Illustris. You will all be converted momentarily. Please stand by. Very few of them turn, but the one that does is just like,

- Hi! - Good job, Dispacho! I wanna give him a high five on his disgusting Spaghetti Amendment. - Look, I don't wanna be the one that says it, but I'm going to be. That time where I almost scored a point for them was actually beneficial and was my plan the entire time. So you're welcome for that win. That was all me, captain, coach, whatever.

That was all me. Big C, how did we do? Did we cut through him? You did very well. You were able to navigate the field perfectly, all of you, together. I was impressed with your team effort. So who won between the Crawling Claws and the Purebloods?

Oh yeah. The games are forthcoming. This was the first game of the day. Now we can spend our time in the player's box watching the rest of the games for the day. You know, I honestly, do you want to sit next to me? I will call out peanut, peanut, peanut or whatever to get nuts in your mouth. Why don't we just go? I mean, there's nothing stopping us. Let's just go right now.

Go where? To the player's box. That's quite literally what we was just saying. I don't want more of that sexual tension that Beyoncé was talking about to build up. More and more people are starting to come in. Your reward for having completed your first competitive game is that moving forward with the paddles and the blade, you now may add your proficiency bonus. Ayyyy!

I like this. I like this. There's levels, man. So can I continue to be the goalie? You know, honestly, with the way that you handled what I set you up with, because it was intentional, I think you should stay the goalie. I think you did a fantastic job. May Jagan just look upon you and smile. I'm successive, but I appreciate it. Successive.

The way you handled that poll reminded me of the time of your 20th birthday. Oh, that's right. You were there. I forgot. I was. I was chaperoning. I got blackout drunk and passed out. That's why everyone got into so much trouble. Oh, me too. I remember like it was many years ago. I guess because it was.

Good times. Just win! You guys make your way up to the players' box. Oh, you said we were gonna get our uniforms after the first game. They're on their way. The tailors are moving as quickly as they can. You're gonna have to keep playing in this G-Stream the whole time. I'm getting... I'm getting way on the way under my lemon. I promise you will like them. They'll give you plus one AC mechanically. Ha ha!

You guys are making your way up to the player's side. This is awesome, DuckTales! I was gonna say, that's what's with the DuckTales, man. Hey, speaking of the mighty trucks, it's the mighty DuckTales! Life is like a... Is he okay? Has he done this before?

Yeah, I've seen him do this at my birthday party. Can we bring up the jam a little bit? It's the moon theme from the Dog Tales game. The beginning first 30 seconds are like the best part of the whole song.

Go to MAGFest, you'll hear this every other fucking second. I believe that. Because it's one of the greatest, you know, events to keep a song that... It's classic. Fun fact, they actually used this song in the DuckTales cartoon, the new reboot. Really? How cool. Although it's probably technically like a copyright infringement because I think they don't own the rights. Maybe they got it.

But anyway, Sam Riegel from Critical Role actually directs it. And the Mighty Trunks won. Trunks wins! Trunks wins! Trunks wins! Trunks! Trunks!

It's all thanks to gazpacho that we won. That's true because you can't skip breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Maybe the whole place is gazpacho. You smell good gazpacho. I smell something really delicious downstairs. It smells like a veal parmesan with mozzarella sticks and mozzarella sticks.

Mozzarella. Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo- Mo

Yeah, how's everybody doing tonight? How y'all doing tonight? I love Fleeing. He rocks. It's actually a very clever game, Derek. He never ceases to surprise me, man. Fleeing flail is definitely canonical. I had the rules written down as you're playing them before I ever mentioned Fleeing as Caprice. I've had this in my pocket for...

year at least. So I'm very happy to share it with you. You're right that there are some problems with it right out of the gate. And I want to see if I can solve those problems. I thought there were, but I meant it when I said, no, I take it back. It was the kobold's defense that was the problem. Because you had those very obvious things. We were able to just crush them and they made adjustments. I mean, it's like any other game, right? Well, but I didn't know that that flaw existed. Totally. Because I've never played this shit either. It might take some tweaking, you know, understanding like, you know, defensive patterns and things. But so far the game's

Fucking awesome. Well done, everybody. Thank you, Foolish Century. Oh, thank you. That's so nice. You find yourself in the player's lodge or the player's box. It's a large open area with a lot of wide open seating that's at the very top level of one side of the stadium and allows you through these big glass panes to look down at a diagonal and enjoy the coming games. And you can see that they're already starting to set up the...

I have it, yeah, in front of me. Why would I put this in the game? That's so stupid of me. Why would I do that? So stupid. Ah, yes. You can see that they're setting up the game between the Crawling Claws and the Purebloods. And you can see that the Crawling Claws are themselves a group of lightfoot halflings. And they look very spunky and ready to go facing the Purebloods, which are a group of yuan-ti.

You are surprised to discover that the Crawling Claws totally wreck business and are able to dominate the Yuan-Ti with very little trouble, actually. So who wins? The Crawling Claws.

Are they like, is it like an all-female, like, pixie haircut, like roller derby team? That's what I'm envisioning. Maybe it's just that because that's my fetish. I would just want to draw your attention to the fact that Rohawk is letting us know that the Tyken Flaw is the Ventress Intercontinental National Fleece League of Legendary Heroes. Oh, yeah, the Tyken Flaw. Yeah, the Tyken Flaw. The Tyken Flaw. I mean, we knew about the Tyken. Why are you messaging us about that here? I don't know.

We already knew about it. It's from the mood. It's like a flop. Chunks are on the mood. Chunks win. My boy in the black and blue, please. Oh.

Next up is the Giant Eagles versus the Cockatrice game. The Giant Eagles, of course, being the human team in the league. And the Cockatrice being, of course, the... I have it written right down in front of me. Hey! You know, if you combined them, if you swapped it around, it would be the Eagletrices and the Giant Cocks! I think you've had enough!

Stop drinking. I know it's a free ball, but put the... Just drink a water between each one, please. Please, I'm begging you. The humans versus the hobgoblins. The humans are able to win the day. The giant eagles. That's right. The dire wolves versus the nightmares are the goliaths.

versus the I wish you were my uncle. Versus a group of fallen asamir and the fallen asamir are able to win the day but are disqualified for cheating unfortunately. So the dire wolves take it. So the dire wolves take it.

The Blood Mots. Hey! Hey, you know, it's funny. It's a good thing that they were able to win on a technicality, because I hear it's very difficult to make dire wolves move or do anything. It's very expensive CGI.

Stop with the meta. Shut up and have a tea with Zico. Some of our audience hasn't seen this yet. It's weird. I just saw, I mean, from the box, I know we're far away, but they were just kind of standing in a wide shot doing that thing.

It's just a name, gotcha! And then moving over, the Mephits versus the Orcs. The Orcs, with their aggressive play, clearly dominate the Mephits, who are the tieflings. Mephits versus the Orcs. What's a Mephit? Oh, the tieflings are Mephits, and the Orcs are what? Orcs. Orcs. Orcs are just Orcs. Very creative, man! The Manticores versus the Imps. Those are the... The Bugbears...

versus the forest gnomes and the bugbears are able to completely destroy their enemies. And then finally the rocks against the wormlings which looks like the lizardfolk versus the mountain dwarfs and the rocks are able to win the day. The mountain dwarfs move on to the second stage of the game. And finally we get to the hellhounds versus the bloodhawks which is of course the tieflings versus the wood elves.

How come we already had tieflings? That's because I fucked up and the mephits are actually the tabaxi. Okay, great. My immersion is maintained. So are the hellhounds the tieflings? Yes. Okay. And the hellhounds do even worse than the kobolds. They actually seem to be more experienced a team than the kobolds, but watching the...

unbelievable strength of the Bloodhawks. It is a completely flawless victory, similar to the success and fame that you are all enjoying. As people are coming up to you, thanking you in the player's box, the few rich celebrities and nobles who happen to be in the player's box are coming up and saying how impressed they are, having never seen you on the field. Where did you come from? Where did you learn to play? These kinds of questions. Where did you come from? Yeah, 100%.

And you enjoy the rest of the day watching the festivities and what have you. What are you guys doing with the remainder of your time for tomorrow?

Berries, berries, berries. I never got mine once I announced the name just like... I think that was because you were on the field. But they said they'd bring it directly to me. Their crew is on point. As soon as she says berries, berries, berries, there's a guy in a very tight white tux walking up with a huge basket of what I think was to be a sort of blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, and the like. Gigantes elefantes illustres. Damn them.

You know, the advertising is so obnoxious. There's a billboard on every corner in the Australia district for these things. They never shut up.

Do I feel like we're going to be getting a long rest before our next game? Ah, yes. This is just one tier per game. So tomorrow we will have the eight games between the four games between you and the Crawling Claws. And then after that, the Giant Eagles and the Dire Wolves and then the Orcs and the Manticores and then Bloodhawks and the Rocks. Okay, that's good because I definitely would love to...

I had a character change out some of these useless spells with a goalie. 100% I understand now that you understand the game. Thank you for respecting that during play. Hey, if you were smart like me, you wouldn't have wasted your time practicing magic. You can just crush a few natural bohemians.

And just walk up and smack it with your trunk, upper and lower. You know, all I gotta say about all of this is that I'm really proud of everybody here on the team. We are literally one game closer to our wishes, which means that we're one game closer to my ma being able to win and the price is right. I don't know what that means, but that's exactly right. We only have three more games to win. Or, you know, speaking of it, would she rather... Would she, like, publish his clearinghouse a little bit better? Yeah.

I don't know. Three more games. I am only asking from you three great days where we win. Where we win if we can take the championship, we can get that vish. It's the wish from a djinn named Wild Wild Smith. Was that a different djinn? Nobody knows the name of the djinn. Oh! Do we get to meet him at least? There's more like behind the scenes. I have heard that it's a her, but I do not know the truth. Oh my!

That's great! I apologize for assuming. You know, with a free knee, it's a lot easier because it's a free knee or a free tuck. I suppose that's right. I never thought about that. Well, you guys should think more about your genies. Anyway, good night! Have you met a djinn before? Well, no, I've heard of them.

So you've heard of this wild, wild Smith fella. You know, in the most recent season of The Bachelor, they've got a gin on there. And he is hunky as can be, if I do say so myself. I sure hope he doesn't pick Clarice, because she's an asshole. She says a lot of shit behind his back he really would not like. She has said things about his mother. And his learning potential. I mean, his career trajectory is as bad, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know what that means at all. Give iBank regional manager some day.

Now I'm going to go and speak with the other coaches and see if I can get some insights into their strategies going into tomorrow. What are you going to be doing with yourselves for the rest of the evening? I think we just go back to sleep. Yeah, I think we're just going to go to bed. You know. You're very well behaved. I was planning on masturbating before I got there. The Gulti show is on tonight and I don't want to miss it.

Well, I guess... Wait for it. You still have the blade on you, then, aye? Well, I guess with the ravioli sounds and with Luis's extracurricular activities, it'll be like fruity dimari at the golfing game restaurant. LAUGHTER

Oh, dear God. Arthur Eggman storms away in anger.

He didn't even tell us how we were supposed to get back to the hotel. How were we supposed to get back? It's right next door. We got blocked over here from there, I think. I have some object purposes. It's like how adjacent an Outback Steakhouse is to a Holiday Inn. It's right across the fucking street every time. Well, then let's just go. I'm so done with this place. You make your way towards your room. You're walking up and...

And I'll waste time now because someone's taking a leak. Nothing important is happening. It's fine. Yeah, sorry. It's a good time.

Yeah, you guys walk across the street. That's what you're doing right now. That's the state that you find yourself in. Oh, so we can't go inside? Not until we get back. I'm gonna do shit, obviously. I do wish... Are you gonna do stuff in our room or inside the hotel? Inside the hotel. I do wish to maybe learn to drink like one of these other fleeing hooligans.

But I worry that Gigantus Elephantus Illustris might look down upon me. What I would say is you didn't learn to drink before you beat the shit out of those kobolds. So I would say you probably shouldn't change anything about what you're doing. Yeah, I mean, it's against your religion. Why would you start now? Destroying kobolds comes naturally. That's just part of the religion. I got lucky.

Well, if you're ever interested, come to my restaurant. I can get you a bottle of red, a bottle of white, whatever it is that you're feeling tonight.

Yeah, and you know, if you ever feel like you want to switch to a different god, I don't really know much about him because I was sleeping during most of his sessions, but my ma's really big into Lathander, and I know she'd hate if I said this, but I'm probably sure a god of the sun like that's probably gonna find him. Gigantus be praised. No, seriously, be praised, right? Yeah.

I mean, there's gotta be a reason they call him Gigantus. Okay, maybe I should be switching my god then. You're making your way down the hallway towards your room, which is towards the end. When around the corner bend, the blood hawks

these wood elves with this deep dark fern-like black hair all the way down to their waist. All of them standing high and haughty. It's almost impossible to discern the men from the women. They turn and in unison the six of them start to walk down the hallway towards you with a change in music.

Hey, everybody! Look! Let's start snapping! Like, like... They approach you and they come to us and say, excuse us if we might make our way. No, you can't make your way, you stupid ass! Whoa, whoa! Look how dumb your face is! Be, be Yancey! Be, be, be still! Be still! No, they don't call me Be Still! They call me Be Yancey!

Be itzy, sir! Be itzy! Be itzy! There is literally one with a hundred percent of arms! And that offends me! I'm gonna speak out for everybody. I'm so sorry for him. He's been drinking Coors all day long. You must be something with Blaine. We're just gonna make our way to our room because we're champions, alright? Yes, we could smell him all the way down the hall. Now that's just rude. Uh...

I'm gonna cast... I'm gonna cast Reduce on him.

And we'll see if it works. Constitution saving throw. I would be concerned that any harm that might come to other competitors might disqualify us from the championship before we even get there. What's the AC? The 13. The DC, sorry. And what's the Constitution? A natural 20.

Well, I was trying to make you little so you could fit between my thighs, but whatever. I'm not moving. My legs are sore. My joints are broken. Oh, I get gas nervous and I'll cast Gust with a giant fart. We are so going to get to swallow pie. We're not in the field.

Oh, yeah. So, okay. One medium or smaller creature that you choose must succeed a strength saving throw or be pushed five feet away. Oh my god. This is not... This is not okay. With a five. How do you do a strength saving throw? No, he has to make the... He failed, so he's pushed five feet away. Okay, so... It doesn't deal any damage?

No, I just want to forward him out of my way and keep moving. All right. So I will say that for the sake of this purpose, the rule of cool, it actually parts all of them and they're up against and they all like turn and hold their noses in unison. I want you. Totally in sync.

Yes, if you could just pass on through, that would be fine. Yeah, let's go, gazpacho. Let's walk. Gigante, celafonte, what did you eat? That's why she wore the brown pants. Good luck tomorrow. We'll see you on the field. Let them through, everyone. I'm sure that if you had a dick on your faces, you guys would feel just as ornery as they do. Look, honey, if it were my night, I would have a dick on my face. Oh, no! Oh, no!

And without a word, they turn and slink off towards their end of the hallway, directly opposite yours in the hotel. How embarrassing it must be to get bragged on by a giant elephant. And that is where we will end the session. I guess that's why they call her Toodles. No!

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