Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 9 | When the Wagon's a Rockin'
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris! I am Gricko Grimgrin, and you are listening to Once Upon a Witch Life! Here's what happened last time!

Torbeck, recently in a drunken rampage, stole the cardboard cutout of Clementine from the Big Top Extravaganza. Her whereabouts is currently unknown. The letter goes on to say if we turn him in, we'll get Frost back. I'm sure they're going to, I don't know, kill him or imprison him. I mean, how are we expected to choose between Torbeck and Frosty? Are you fucking kidding me? Something has happened.

What do you mean? What, you just won that rap battle. I must produce an heir. What the hell? I need to fuck a troll. What? My name is King Shmebula. What?

I am King Smebula. - Okay, why don't we go to the drink cart? That's the best idea you've had all night. We'll get you some wine. - Free drinks at the snail racing! - Let's let this race begin! Thank you everyone for coming out tonight. Free drinks at the exit. Don't worry.

Eyes are always watching here at the Witchlight Carnival, and it is almost time for the crowning of the Witchlight Monarch. Torbeck is just glad that his newfound friends would never betray him. And you see Mr. Witch as he looks between all of you. Well, well, well.

You have done your job exactly as I had hoped, fellas. That's right. We follow the orders. He's right here. He never left. If you have the manacles, you can take them right now. What? You're not going anywhere after what you did to me. Torbeck just has a few quick words. Do not stand around and weep because Torbeck is not there. Torbeck does not sleep. Torbeck is the thousand winds that...

You have been at the Witchlight Carnival for about five hours at this point. Though, for you it's felt like weeks. Maybe even eight weeks. For all of you.

Over the past hour or so, you have spent your time, three of you have spent your time leading Torbek around the carnival itself, playing games, indulging in guys night, and overall just having a jolly good time. All the while, your friend Frost has been held up inside the wagon of Mr. Witch and Mr. Light after an interesting performance at the Big Top Extravaganza.

The last hour ended with a snail race where Gricko was able to win the title of snail race king. - Oh, yes. - It was as the jubilance died down that you found yourselves alone on the track. The lights went out and out of the shadows emerged a group of figures. Mr. Witch among them as his bodyguards

took Torbek into their control and chose to head back to the wagon with him. You had received a letter telling you of Torbek's sordid past, that he'd been here for the entire time the carnival's been here, but his drunken antics had led to being paid multiple times as well as the theft of a cardboard cutout named Clementine.

theft being one of the taboos and the no-goes at the carnival or anywhere in the Feywild, and he needed to pay for his crimes. You kept him entertained while Mr. Witch and Mr. Light could figure out exactly what they'd planned to do with him. And it was at this point that Mr. Witch came to collect. And as you were standing here, you watch as Burly, the pixie, Riata, Flog, and...

Another one of the, one of his bodyguards, which appears to look like a, I can't believe I'm saying this, appears to look like a bugbear in a clown outfit, begins to make their way off of the track with Torbeck. Off into the distance, heading back towards, you imagine, the wagon. Mr. Witch thanks you for your assistance and lets you know that Torbeck

When you're ready, he'll see you there. And Frost is free to go. He turns around and walks back into the shadows. You're left alone, standing here in the middle of this track. Frost, still nowhere to be seen. Torbeck, taken away to some unknown fate. What do you do? Hey, Gricko, is that the bugbear in the clown outfit? Is that Jerry? No.

You mean my political arse rival, Jeremus? Of the Hobgoblentopia? Far worse than Goblentopia. Agreed. I have no interest in uniting with Hobgoblentopia. They can get fucked for all I care. You said a lot of crazy stuff, but that's the first thing you said that made sense.

Yes, yes. Now the chief export of Hobgoblin-topia is Hobgoblin Surf and Turf. It's very similar to Goblin Surf and Turf, except it's all a bunch of processed soybean slugs.

I don't know how they eat that shit. Now look, what I'm saying is don't get any ideas. Just because he's dressed like a clown doesn't mean you have to kill him. Alright, kid? Listen, Kremi, I don't have anything against clowns. I just keep happening to kill them. I never set out to do it. My point is it's almost like fate's drawn you to the doom.

And I'm saying you should try to resist the pull instead of just going along with it like when Brickle leaves you and says, "Hey, chuck a meatball with your 20 strength at that poor unsuspecting clown!" Well, you're presuming that the pull is coming towards me. What if in fact it's the reverse and that clowns are being pulled into my fist? You know, Gid, that's a fair point. Maybe you're just a helpless bystander to all this death and misery.

I have a way. We got it. A wise observation from the master of coin. No doubt. How do you fix him? You know what? I actually like him better this way.

Snail number two, now that we have sacrificed... The snails are no longer there with you. Snail number two, now that we have sacrificed that... bugbear yokel, you will now be my new master of loan ships.

Oh, Griggo is the master of ships. I think he was the... Master of Lords! You will be a just Master of Lords, Nail of the Dead. But we must, after such an act of war from Hobgoblin-topia, we must arrange a small council meeting. Right now? Yes. So we must find my Hand of the King

Which is who? Lord Frostington. The words are, I just love beans. That's my coat of arms. I just love beans.

Their sigil is a big, very beefy tiger with a red scarf. Like Portland, yeah. Oh, yes. With big cartoon Twitter eyes. Their school bus yellow. Look, look, look. I think we gotta get out of these outfits before Frost comes back.

Because if he sees us in these, he's never gonna let us live with that. What outfits, my kingly garb? You're dressed like a taxidermal rat. Oh, but with my face paint, I have a plastic beard and crown. He looks like the Burger King.

It's not even just a bearded crown, it's an actual wooden hat, like head that's on you that looks like the Burger King guy. My goblin nose pointed toward it. Well, does this mean guys night's over? Yeah, I mean, we were doing guys night as a favor to Mr. Witch, right? Showing Toyback a good time.

And I guess we were buying time until they could prove that he was a horrible criminal. I guess the sow pigs coming for him sometime. I mean...

*Pewds laughs* What? *Pewds laughs* That's an egg! No! I was just thinking about frozen peas! No, that's funny, I was just thinking about- Oh, I know that one's funny! I was thinking about sour pigs too, but- No, I was thinking about- I was just- No, you got it, you got it. So I was just thinking... Yeah. About the great court jester of yonder years... *Pewds laughs*

Yonder time. Oh, man. They call him Frozen P. Okay, well, let's go. Can we hurry back to the big top?

I thought it was in a cart behind the Big Top. Yeah, I know. I want to get chained first. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that leaving the Big Top, there was the staff area, which right next to it had the costume and prop department, which is where you got your outfits. Back after that was a little open area where Burley was essentially guarding, and then there was the...

or the wagon that Mr. Witch and Mr. Light. In the staff area? Behind the staff area. Behind the staff area. Yes, so there's like the- Oh, there's a little mushroom back there. Yeah, big top staff area. Nice. Mr. Witch and Mr. Light. Oh, that's a Mr. Light's room. Get it! What? I missed it.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhilllglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglglg

that you're directly responsible for the inevitable horrible torture of Tober. Well, Grand Mesa, you acquired laws. I hadn't really realized that. I don't actually think he needs us here. Do you want to get food? Yeah. You want to go to McDonald's or something? Yeah.

I actually, total aside, we've gotten all these comments about how good Mike's Frost impression was and it was like Derek was under the table or like he never left. I think Mike should do like a one-man Feywild or one-man Witchland. Yeah, he's a horse. All right. Are you ready to go? Yes, as I believe we are. But now that my bride Snarly has said she's not ready to be betrothed,

I must fuck a troll still. We must find a troll to save my alien kingdom. Also, everything tastes like oil. They must be hobgoblins and their vegetable oil attacks. That's weird, I never noticed that with the hobgoblins. You know what, I'm making an executive decision because I just got another twist.

that at any time I can use a twist of dread to give all of you a fake curse. - Ooh! - I love that, I love that. - I won't be tired tomorrow. - Or one person specifically, however I want to do it. - I think he's just point oil curse as loud as you can. - Yeah, I think I'd send executive decision, I make the rules, so. - Everything tastes oily, trolls are attractive, I wanna get in a long-term relationship

I'm the leader of a great alien kingdom, and I have been for ten years. All food I eat tastes like chicken. And whenever Giant has spoken, it's screaming. All five of those. So, oily chicken? Everything tastes like the grease trap in a vase. And the chocolate fondue fountain.

- Hold on, we're gonna go down the table. We're gonna start off with King Shmebulon. What do you have? - 83. - 83. Roll again. - Oh, 75 for me. - That one I can't change. - 89. - Another 89. You are now aware of the exact time and state of your death.

And I will let you decide what that's going to be. That's awful. I know. Four. Four, four, four, four. What a nightmare. You can no longer distinguish your left from your right. Yeah, it's an easy one. 75. 75. Roll again, please. 98. Wow, that's a high one. That's pretty high.

You cannot stop emitting a melodious ringing noise. - What would that be like? - Oh.

- Basically. - You know what, roll again. That one's not gonna work. That will be hard to do. - 72 for me. 72. - That's not good enough. - 72's not good enough? - No, 72. - 100. - Okay, perfect. You got the same one as Gricko. You also believe that you are the ruler of a kingdom for 10 years, but it has fallen into ruin due to you never. - Don't make me do what he's doing. - We now have two kings. - Oh, God.

- Jesus. - Congratulations. 100. - 100, I know. It's not very good, to be honest. - We're gonna update this table soon. - We are updating this table. Once I finish updating it, we'll be on our Patreon. 59, you said? - 59. - Yeah, 'cause some of these are more like long-term. You are now sensitive to all light. - Thank you. - My eyes!

Is anyone else getting that? I think it's a migraine. You know, like when the aura comes on? Silence, Master of Ships. Yes, silence. We must make bread with King... Rodeandra. Oh, King Rodeandra from the nation of...

From the... From Farklestein. Ah, the great kingdom of Farklestein. You know this, Lord Gricko, don't you? I don't know what you're talking about. With the chief exports, of course, being... Fire. Ah, yes, fire. All these torches you see around you on this chest and in here...

of this great hall has been imported from Falkenstein. Yes, not the torches. Just the flame. Just the fire. We make our own torches. You have to carry it with your hands. Gentlemen, I have had a vision. What is this vision, Falken? Well, I must sire an heir by fucking troll. And he will...

Unite our peoples. The troll you have to fuck is... Iwo? No, my son! My heir. I will have a beautiful troll wife. She's gonna be like "huh huh huh, no no no" You need a lot to act like. Yeah! And I will have a noble son, my first born son. Globo, second of his name.

Being a tropplin, he will have deep resentment towards his father, a trueborn goblin. And although he will be the chosen one destined to save Goblin-topia, by becoming king, he will stab me in the back. Not figuratively, but... Well, I guess also figuratively. It's both.

You would raise a coward to the air, so not to strike you down to your face. I shouldn't have named him Gorbo, second of his name. Yes, that was your first mistake. It's not too late, right? It was your second mistake. No, no, we cannot change our fate once we know it. Your first mistake was tiring a travelin'. Yes. Are you calling me Lord Griggo? Yes, Lord Griggo.

Why? Because I fucked Mikey fucked up once and now he's running with his own. LAUGHTER

Well... We need to get Franz back in time. Now that we've lost our Master of Laws and our Master of Coin... Who's your Master of Laws? I don't even remember his name. He's very forgettable. Yes. Yes. Yes. Noly Royals are talking, Lord Gricko. Mind your place. Bring us a great war. Yes.

Ah, so they were-- And frozen peas! Can I please ask what the fuck is up with the frozen peas? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhilllivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivlivliv

Your last name is Shmebulon? My name is only Shmebulon. And your first name is Gorbo? No, second name is named after my dear uncle. Is dear uncle the zombie that haunts him sometimes? Oh, so your name is not Gorbo Shmebulon. No. What's your first name? My name is Shmebulon.

Shmebula? My first name is King. My father came and he said, son, one day you will be king. And I said, dad...

I'm already king, that's me name. And they're like, no, you'll also be, I mean, I'm the king of Goblin-topia and when I die, because we have a hereditary monarchy, then you will be king. You know that Frost isn't there, right? He's talking to Derek. He's talking to Derek. I'm talking to Derek.

There's literally no one here. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Derek is in the carnival. Yeah. Just Derek. You will be my new master of laws because of your very nice sweater. Got it at a Banana Republic. Oh. We're not running it,

- I'm coming up with another Republic, you're fired. - There's just a random man that looks exactly like Derek who had been in the stands for the snail race who came down to get an autograph and he's just talking to Shmebula. - Okay, all right, I'll be fine. - You know, Colin used to dress like that. - Who? - Oh, no, I guess you don't. - Colin? - Remember the accountant, Colin? - Oh, you mean, Reynold the Corrupt.

Yeah. Let us go. I grow tired of this bearded man. That bearded man? This bearded man and his V-necks. And as they walk away, I'll be like, wow, there went King, King Shmebbel. Ah, yes.

And you make your way out of the arena. It takes you a while, the arena is quite large, but you do make your way out and onto the street. And as you do, Gricco, everything but your most recent fey curse fades from you. Something has happened. Are you back? What's your name?

Crammy, how do you forget my name? It's Griggo. What's my name? Did I just say Crammy? Oh no, it's Briggsy! Sorry, gosh, I keep messing up. Oh, your name's not Griggo, you're King Shmebbelak! Feralige! We seek your hand of the... hand of the maester.

Frostington! Frostington? First of his name from the Frostington Ghost. Is that what, like, the name that Frosty gives himself when he, like, writes his little stories? Assumed his name was bequeathed from you. I feel like I was supposed to do something and I've forgotten.

Hmm. I mean, are you talking about Hootsie? No. Who? No. See? No. I was supposed to do something. You're an adolescent owl bed daughter that was captured by the South. No, fool. It means fuck a troll. That does sound familiar. It was probably that. Yes. Did I fuck a troll lately?

Almost. Yes. Very close. She didn't want you. She didn't want you. She didn't want a long-term, lasting relationship. If I wanted those, I've got a lot going on right now. You've got a sire of trouble in air. What?

I'm just sawing air. Yes, sawing air! I hate kids, I hate kids, no way! Ah well, your kingdom will fall faster than it already did. It's failing. But so is mine! Oh. So, I too. How will you save your kingdom? Are we doing something like, are we doing something like, why am I dressed like this? Do you remember anything? I feel like I need to... Remember that big bugbear guy named like, Zobeck or something?

Torback? Oh, what was his name? Torback. Oh, Torback. Yeah, whatever. You didn't lose all of your memories. You just lost all the fakers. No, bro. I mean, there's a lot of curses that kind of scramble me brain. It's like, I'm all coming back. My eye's like...

I don't think these fae really think about the long-term impacts of all of these fae courses. It's like playing professional football. You know what, I'm feeling like doing another one. Oh, now what? Come on, we gotta go get Frost. Let's go. Well, first we gotta get changed, and then we gotta go get Frost. Yeah, so we're Frostington. All right, Gage, come on, come on. Well, his presence is needed. I need your help. I want you to just, and anybody's help, just an embarrassing nickname.

- Purvis. - Purvis. Grickle, your name's Purvis now. - Oh, my name is Purvis, obviously. - Do you have any other names, like your main name? Or have you been Purvis like your whole life? - No, my name has always been Purvis, okay. Oh, Torbek, Garznei. - Yeah, Garznei, yeah. - Hey, Garznei. Oh, that's right. - Kremi, your breathing is now loud and obnoxious.

No, Frost isn't there. So Gideon, goblins now look like beautiful women. Vervis, you hideous squire. I mean, you beautiful, gorgeous squire. I think I will say that after all.

They call me Pervino. There's only one way to save my hailing kingdom. We'll never defeat the Hobgoblin... The Hobgoblin kingdom of Hobgoblin-topia without a strong... What are you doing? Are you okay? Are you dying? No, I think it's a little bit of like wake and sleep apnea or something. I don't know.

Oh, you're dying where you stand! What do they call that? Wake apnea? Ugh.

I'd banish you from the kingdom if anyone was left. There's nobody left. Nobody's left. It's a failing kingdom. What a tragic end to your line. Well, it's not over yet with you looking like that, Dr. Ena. Well, thank you. I think we can bring it back. It's something I kind of put together, I think. You know, it's like I'm just like a king that sells very low quality hamburgers.

Sounds delicious. I'll give you ten more minutes of Gar's Night, and then we're gonna go get changed and then we're gonna go get Frost, you understand? Ooh, Gar's Night. Do you think that, uh, now that we've, uh, we're a bunch of narcs and turned in old Torbjörk and doomed him to a terrible fate, do you think old Laszlo is free?

Laszlo Grgorovitch! Oh yes, the most beautiful creature in the realm! Oh, please. Is she a type? She's hideous. Not really. Compared to you. Not really. Oh, thank you! I would agree, but everyone's like "Oh, a legend and elves are so pretty." I'm like, no thank you, no more type.

And while all of that is happening, back in the wagon, Frost, you have been led inside of a very... Meow! Meow!

I do have an invisible mage hand. Oh, don't worry, that's just my mind. I love beans. Don't worry, that's my hands and myself, that's my mind. I'm just using my imagination. Mmm. Mmm.

Jesus fuck. Okay, so anyway, back inside the wagon. You are led inside by a guard. He does not follow you in, but he does close the door behind you. And you find this place is very plush. There are, there's seating everywhere. It's, um...

It is covered in velvets and satins and silks of many different colors. And though the colors are vibrant and very in range, they all somehow look like they belong together. This kaleidoscope of colors in front of you.

And sitting at the very back of the wagon, up against a large red tufted circular pillow is Mr. Light. His legs crossed one over the other as he twirls his weather vane in one of his hands. And he looks over at you and he pats the seat next to him with a smile.

Thank you for inviting me. I appreciate your hospitality. How can I be of service, Mr. Light? Well, it's good to see you, Frost. It's good to see you. I must first offer you an apology for my performance in the Big Top. Did you hear the crowd, Frost? The way they cried at the back of my tragedy? Yes, I didn't mean to bring up such a sad memory or to disturb the crowd. Did you see the way they gasped?

I did? When I showed them what my past was like. It was very embarrassing for me. That was not my intent. It was magical. Oh. The way the audience engaged with such a deep and meaningful moment. Oh. That's performance, Frost. Performance to its core. That's what the carnival's all about. You rolled with the punches nicely. This carnival, it's very common for you to suddenly be swept up in emotion and change by some sort of fey magic, I think. It's really taking me some getting used to.

Do you know how the Witchlight Monarch is picked? I would like to, very much. That was actually going to be one of my questions. He spins the Witchlight Vein on his hand. This vein I have in my possession, it picks the Monarch for me. Oh. It knows exactly who has altered the emotions at this carnival in the way that it needs to be altered to be crowned the Witchlight Monarch. And Frost, it's leaning heavily toward you. I would like to be the Monarch King very much. That surprises me and delights me. That's terrific.

Yes, now that I'm sitting here with you and I'm close to you, I see that you are not very charismatic. I am quite surprised by the weathervane's choice. I'm not often described as charismatic, that is true. Yes, quite bland and monotone. I don't know if bland is the word I would use. Oh yes, no, but it was my word choice, Frost. Oh, well, you've got me there. ...

My friends are almost certainly just waiting outside, not doing anything. Would you let me know how I can... Would you like a fancy tart? A fancy tart? Yes, or a cupcake. A fancy tart would be fine. Well, I won't be busy for the next two hours. And he winks at you. Where are the tarts?

The tarts come! The tarts never came! You know, why don't you just go ahead and have one of these cupcakes here. I look around for cupcakes. There's a tray of cupcakes on the table. Oh, oh, yeah. They're the same cupcakes that you had when you won them. You see, what I like to do with the icing on top is I pull the bottom off and I make something of a cupcake sandwich.

Well, the vein, are you sure? And you watch as it spins and it slowly starts to stop and linger on you before it continues to spin. Well, there is something about you. That's for sure. So tell me, how'd you do this trick?

What are you here for? What are you looking for? What are you trying to get from the Witchlight Carnival? Someone like you isn't here for a night of fun and games. I am very much enjoying the fun and games. I hope to experience all of them without skipping a single one. As soon as my friends and I join each other, we'll be able to continue on and enjoy this carnival game. Okay.

Sucker. So you're trying to tell me that someone with your talents, your ability, and your lack of charisma is here solely to play carnival games and nothing else? Well, I will admit that what prompted us to come to this carnival was something of a situation. We were going to be paid to actually see if we could investigate a little bit and find the patron of an elderly man who grows giant pumpkins.

Investigate what, Frost? You're here at my carnival investigating? You didn't bother to stop by and talk to the proprietors of this place? We assumed then you would be too busy. I thought maybe we would wait until the end of the carnival if we were going to... You must be running this thing. You look nervous, Frost. Do I make you nervous? And he leans in really close to you. No. Go ahead and have another cupcake. Okay.

Just one more, perhaps. Why don't you show me again the cute way you eat that cupcake? It's really quite ingenious. It keeps the fron- If you start with frosting, it gets stuck to the top of your head, and if you- The frosting gets stuck to the top of your head? The mouth of your, uh, the roof of your mouth. Yes. I see.

So tell me more about this person and who you're looking for. Well, this elderly gentleman, he mentioned to us that he thought that we might be able to find his...

And did you get a name?

The name of the matron or the name of the gentleman? Both. His name was... Matrick Rosloff. I have it written down. Matrick Rosloff, actually. Matrick Rosloff, actually. And the name of his matron, Zabilnath. Either of those names are familiar to you. Perhaps you can point me and my companions in the right direction. Never heard of them. Are you in league with a certain Kenku that's been causing a stink around the Ghanavu? No, say Kenku.

Absolutely not. Though I will say that we've stumbled across its path. My friend Kremi almost destroyed the Kenku when he blasted away a bush at the dragonfly rider. It's going to have a bit of frosting on your lip, Frost. Oh, thank you. And wipe it off. I think you got all of it.

Anyways, yes, we were at the Dragonfly Riding God ride, and there was a bit of a kerfuffle, and unfortunately we only found a feather or two, I believe, but... And if I tasked you with bringing this Kenku to justice for maybe an answer to one or two or all of your questions, would you do it? Could you do it? You and your friends. To answer my questions? To perhaps point us in the right direction of Zabillna? Yes, you mentioned when I...

Mm-hmm.

to do this task. They will join me. I don't know if I can say I can control them. Not yet, anyway. My mind powers are still expanding. However, what I will say is I think that's a fair cost if you help me understand what the nature of justice is in a place like this. Would you be the one to...

deliver said justice or would you be the one to uh to simply end this he puts his finger on your lips and shushes you if you bring this kenku to justice i will answer all of your questions well i would typically consult my my my friends they're currently on a mission for mr witch they'll be indisposed for the next hour or so have another cupcake frost

Help me to understand the nature of this Kenku's crimes. I know he put someone in danger at the ride, but uh... For podcast listeners, Derek is miming peeling a cupcake, breaking off the bottom and placing it on top of the cupcake before taking a bite. This Kenku snuck into our carriage in the hopes of getting answers to similar questions to yours.

We have been doing what we can to find the answers to those questions. Not to assist the Kenku, but we find the questions pertinent to our cause. Kenku is not pleased with our unwillingness to speak to them. Have another cupcake, Frost. Do I feel compelled to take the cupcakes? No. Okay. I have had quite a bit of kink already today, but thank you. Would you prefer a... Three cupcakes is enough. Would you prefer a tart? Do I see tarts?

It is very tempting. I don't usually indulge in sweets like this. It's just the carnival has me all riled up.

The Witch-like Carnival has a way of playing with one's emotions and bringing out our true feelings. Our true nature, if you understand what I'm saying. I hope that I can find the discipline and focus I note in my true heart to be there. He scoots over a little bit closer to you. What is that scent you're wearing, Frost? It's intoxicating. This is just my natural musk, but thank you. Hmm.

Hmm. We should bottle it up. Could sell it for a hefty price. Now, as I was saying, this Kenku has been causing a stink around the carnival because we would not give her the answers to the questions she sought. And she believes if she were to make our carnival uninhabitable or unprofitable, we would be forced to give her the answers she seeks. This is not true. It will not work. She's not going to win. She has a thorn in our side and we would like to have her removed. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

I think I do, and I would agree with that mission. Just intrinsically, this is a fantastic carnival. What I would like is if you could promise me that the Kenku would not be injured or killed. I can't promise you that, Frost. But I can promise you you don't have to do the injuring or the killing. Have another cupcake, Frost. You're thinking too much. No, no, I don't want to get... Yeah, let me light some incense. And he reaches over and he lights a stick of incense.

The smell of elderberry fills the carriage. Is that elderberry? Oh, you have a very sensitive nose. I've spent my life honing my senses. I'm quite sensitive to smells, visions, touch. He puts his hand on your thigh. Oh, I see. So am I, Frost.

I, uh... And we will go back to the other scene! I feel conflict. I don't think you understand that I have to fuck a giant swan later. I'm spent. What was my curse again? You gotta start writing this shit down. The imposter's about to get double-sped up. Bring me tributes! Oh!

I'm gonna get killed by some weird droblin named Globo II. What the fuck is gonna happen? Why? I know the exact time and date. I would never let that happen to you, Pavina. Oh? I forgot that was your name. I forgot that was mine. Thank you. Lord Protector. What was your name again? It was Lord...

Oh, Rodiandra. Yes, King Rodiandra. I like this stuff, Gid. What do you mean? Gid. Rodiandra. Your name is Gideon. No, Gid. My name's always been Purvis. Cakes are playing all over here.

My name is King Rodiandra. My name is Pervis! My name is King Rodiandra, ruler of a kingdom. I'm gonna write that one down. Oh, I did, it was Farklstein. It was Farklstein. Farklstein. Farklstein. Ruler of Farklstein. Made export fire. That's actually how we were aliens.

and realize if you export just fire, you actually just burn everything down around you. Yeah, that sounds like, you know... Yes. Doesn't mix well with, like, logging. I fired all my advisors. Well, maybe you deserve to fail then, Geard. I mean, King Rodandra, whatever your name is. Yes. Rodiantha, I think. Rodiandra. Oh, right. Oh, okay. I was closer than you, Crammy. You okay? What's your name? Do you need, like, a lozenge?

Do you need like some flownaise? You got some flownaise? Okay here go How you feel? How you feel?

Oh, I think that actually... You know, it worked for about a second. Oh, that's usually how Flonase works. Yeah, that's usually how it works. Yeah, right back up. Flonase never stood a chance. Okay, well, it is God's Knot, so, you know, I'm Taxidermy, this is Stiletta, and I think Fee Fee Nix has been replaced by King Rodiandra. Well, that's true. There we go. I don't like how he's talking, it doesn't sound like it.

No one's there? I mean, you know, like I'm wearing like a crazy king outfit. Made out of cheap plastic. And a mouse. And a mouse. Yes. I'm a king mouse. Yes. I am still wearing all of it. Actually, can I take your red cloak? I usually have one, but... Oh, I'm sure it'll fit you just fine. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

- Perfect. - It looks like a napkin. - I'm gonna use another twist of your head. - Are you replacing it? - I'm just giving an additional one to Kremi. You must sing everything you speak. - Well, you know what? We gotta go. - Why don't we go? We gotta get Frost. What are we doing?

What? What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm going to die someday. We're all going to die someday. What are you doing? What are you doing? Why are you singing, everybody? I need to change my fate, okay? And Frosty can see it in the future, I think. We gotta get dressed before Frost sees us.

Why? This guy's not. I mean, but he doesn't really understand the context and like it's ironic to us, but I mean, is it really going to be ironic to him? I think he won't understand that it's a joke. If he comes in and medias res, it won't go well for him. Um, wait, does Frosty know what irony is? I don't think he does.

And I'll say your singing can replace your heavy breathing. Thank you. To help your throat. My throat hurts! Oh, it did work. Frost explained what irony was when we had to go through the double gates. Oh yeah, he knows what irony is. He knows what irony is. He explained it before I did my great acting as Phil, the smartest pig in the world. I mean, there's a difference between understanding irony and really kind of getting guys an eye, you know what I mean? Well, thank you, Frosty, we love guys an eye.

It's Torbek's last... Oh. It was his last hurrah. We double-crossed him. Did we really double-cross him? We did what was necessary to reclaim Lord Frostington. Which we have yet to do. If you consider that we basically lied... Well, did we really lie to him? I mean, we just sort of deceived him. If there's a difference...

We deceived him. I mean, Torbeck was kind of a bit of a cardboard pest. Which is surprising. That's one way to put it. I would agree. Are we surprised, maybe? Maybe.

What do we think, guys? We had some shocking. Come on, please help me. We're shocked, right? You beautiful fool. We're shocked. I mean, he doesn't know who Torbeck is, and now I'm forced to sing everything. Oh, maybe I'll sing along. Yeah, why don't we sing it to... Oh, you sound hideous, but you are the voice of an angel. My name is Gricko, and I'm here to say that you can hang with your friends in a responsible way. Yes. I do my...

My rap. My 90s, not even PG, G-rated rap.

as we find our way to Frost. The melodious tune of a beautiful angel. You do make your way back to the big top. You notice, you check just to see if you can find Laszlo Rogorovitch, but you do not see her anywhere. It appears that she waited and eventually left when Torbek didn't show up. So you do make your way into the big top extravaganza and

through the exit into the stagehand area. It looks like you, your presence was known and no one seems to stop you and you make your way towards the costume closet, I guess, to change. That's where Crummy's the leader of the bunch. You know him well.

And I'm finally back to get my coat. To get your coat tail. Oh, and don't forget to get eight hours of sleep. You better stay hydrated. Don't be cheap. You can get Powerade to get electrolytes.

Do your milk. Orange juice slices. Eat your drugs. Don't do sleep! Don't do sleep! Get eight hours of drugs! I'm so confused! Do eight hours of drugs. Do you remember YTMND, boomers? Hey, boomers.

They're still here, and I open the costume. Okay, yeah, what are we dressing up for, guys? You make your way over towards the costume area, and you see that standing in front of it is that same man that you saw that collected Torbek. It is that bugbear in the clown outfit.

And he's standing in front of the entrance with his arms crossed, looking frustrated. Hey! And as you walk up, he says, Sorry!

Oh. The closet's closed! That's not what I was expecting. You will be sorry, hideous clown. Don't even think about it. A knight of the Honktopia. Oh no, I think it's the foul Honknights. Ugh, the Honknights. Of the Honk Legion. I've killed many of your kind, Honknight. You won't stand between us and wherever we're going.

I think he just challenged you to a duel, my friend. A duel! Lord Griggo! By the gods. Disrobe me. What are you talking about? Oh.

The closet's closed until after the crowning of the Witch-like Mara. Nothing is closed to King Rodiandra. I'm sorry, but Mr. Witch said the closet's closed, so... Well, you're definitely swift. Oh, would you... You may say that to us, but would you say that to a very wise and powerful wizard if he was here? Hey, little sir! That's just a hand puppet.

What are you talking about? I'm not here. Hey, I'm a great, powerful wizard. Welcome this morning with a sore throat. You ever wonder what the tax policy of the Lord of Horses would be? No. What do I have? What do I do? The name's Cramela Clue. Can I please get...

My coat. I told you the costume closet's closed. And I'm asking you to open it. No. Please, conser. I really need it. I was told under no circumstances was I allowed to open it.

Oh god, my sore throat. I wish you could hear what I really sounded like. I'm gonna cast Meteor Swarm if you don't move out of the way. You are just a hand puppet with no magical abilities. Are you sure about that? I'm gonna cast Meteor and all the planets are gonna die. We're gonna supernova. Okay.

Adventures of you getting eaten up by the sun, which is the king of planets. So you better watch out there, Mr. Bugbear Man. I'm a mighty powerful wizard.

You can call me Jiggly the Clown. Oh, Jiggly. Jiggly definitely don't kill you. I don't want you to get haunted by a guy named Jiggly. Jiggly. Jiggly the Clown. I know it. I don't want to know why they call him Jiggly.

First things first. Normally I would ask him to kill you. Not really kill, but punch you and given that you're dressed like a clown, I'm sure you'd die. I am a clown.

Oh! Oh no. I knew it! Lord Grinko, turn my flaming sword! I'm one of the newest clowns. I was, I replaced the last guy that died. He was killed by a flying meatball. Oh, Clutzy. Your tenure will be short. Oh, he was like, he was like real sick, right? Clutzy, like real sick. Like he was on the way out, probably, you know what I mean?

Like it wasn't the meatball that killed him, it was just like the meatball happened to be there when he just had a heart attack. I'm not sure. We sent a message to his family. We're hoping his wife and his kids will write back and let us know how he lives. He's probably a loner and a drifter. No family, no next of kin. Oh no, he was a loving man. Being a clown was what he'd always wanted. He'd just gotten this gig too. He was so excited.

"Oh, well better for him to die without having been a clown for too long than to live with the horror."

"Ah, Marlies, I will give you your flaming sword." I'm gonna give it the wizard hand puppet. Alright, Jiggly the Clown. "Don't you dare get, please!" "What?" "You're already haunted by enough clowns." "Jiggly the Clown stands between us and what we seek, and he will stand no longer." "Why don't we just obey the rules for once?"

That's right, you might get taken by a pig. Oh, well. Or that horrible, gross frog thing, or the spooky moon lady. You kindly put your hands behind your back and not remove them, make a wisdom saving throw. Oh, no. Oh, no.

The chat is like, the chat is bloodthirsty. They're trying to get you to kill this clown. Eleven! You fail. Your hands are behind your back. He can still kick. Lord Cremington! What is the meaning of this, Lord Cremington? But you, you can't get closer to the clown. And also your hands are behind your back. Alright, kid. That's enough. Jiggly.

Yeah! That would kill you if my hands weren't magically behind my back! Come behind me! Come behind me so that I might lay you low! I'd suggest you not do that! Roll a persuasion throw. I can't roll! My hands are behind my back! Mace can! Jiggly! I got it. He sucks. He just sucks. No, my persuasion's very good.

It's two. I don't think I want to do that. Of course you don't, you cowardly clown. Yes, you cowardly clown. What of it? What of the great king Rodiandrus?

There's no TH at the end. Your flaming sword, my liege. Yes, it's behind me. I just want to fit in, so I'm singing and also indulging. Get in. I thought your flaming sword was in the front of you. Graco, please. Stop giving in to his delusions of grandeur. So you're holding a flaming sword behind you? I'm holding...

Well, it is a wizard puppet. It's a wizard puppet. He can use Meteor Swarm. My metaphorical flaming sword. He's a 9th level spellcaster. 9th level wizard spellcaster, Gary the Great. I think it was Gerald or something. Gerald. You are having this conversation and you...

I just rolled a natural 20. That's the only reason this is happening. Come on, Jiggly! You are in this conversation with Jiggly the Clown, and there's commotion behind you. The staff area is a bustle with people getting ready for all sorts of things. You know that in the Big Top, there are many acts that are happening all the time. It's not just the Big Top extravaganza. As you hear a yelp and a clatter, as...

You turn to, well, some of you turn to look. You see that they were getting ready to take the clown car, the small clown car, into the tent to do one of their hourly acts. And one of the clowns, as he was trying to get out, tripped and fell directly into Gideon's sword, completely running him through. My sword is a hand puppet. It's fine. It kills him. The hand puppet ran through and killed him? No!

I told you I can't. Green flame money. You stupid clown. It was a metaphor. He was incredibly old and the moment he hit the ground. He was allergic to felt. He was allergic to felt and he hit the ground and he dies. And you hear Jiggly go, no, bumble the clown.

Bumbo! You're welcome. Yeah, what are you doing? What? We are surrounded by enemies. Honk knights abound in every direction. All of the clowns begin to yell and they rush over to Bumbo the clown. They realize that yet another clown has died this night. You gotta kill me. No, no, no. I can't say.

Hold on, let me just see what's left of his face. Oh no. You can see his skin is like bubbling from where the felt hit him. It was a really big...

Really horrible. Lord Grinkleton, your beauty should not look upon such a horrible visage. Turn away, please. I was just joking about Meteor's Hall. I think that's actually a wizard in the puppet there. Hold on, I can save him! Can you at least try, Grinko, please? Oh.

- Popping on his face. - At least try to heal him if you can. - It looks like a pizza in the oven. - Oh, damn it, Krem! I'm a druid, not a miracle worker! - And with that, I'm going to use another twist of dread. And Gideon, the voice of the last person you killed tells you things about their life no one wants to know.

However, he's just recently dead. So the voice of Klutzy. Derek, can you be Klutzy for me? Ah!

Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, I'm so Clutzy today. I'm Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, Clutzy, I'm so Clutzy today. Oh, hi, Mr. Gideon. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. Oh, God, no! Oh!

Well, it's just so nice to be here in clown heaven. That's what Shuckles told me all about, and I'm gonna be spreading joy and laughter for days, years, the eternity. You're in hell, you despicable clown! Oh, you joker. I'm not in hell. No! Stop talking to me, fallen honk knight.

With your allergy to hobgoblin oysters. Your weak, horrible frame. You couldn't stand one single blow. From 500 yards away and you died from allergy. I don't mind. I'm going to be able to spread joy and laughter from heaven forever.

No, you won't! Stop enjoying anything, you idiot! It's gonna be just, well, would you like a joke? I can make you laugh. Oh, God, there's nothing! Free my hands, Lord Crumbington! I'm gonna kill him a second time! You're gonna kill the rest of the clowns if I do that, kid! Yes, please! Cluncy won't be the last person I've killed. It'll be Bumbo! And then you'll be haunted by four clowns!

No, I think it's in a line kind of thing. Line up to torment me for eternity. Just one at a time, maybe. Intimidate. Hey, Chuckles, how you doing? It's great to be here. Oh, gosh. Golly gee. Are you sure you don't want to hear a joke? I can squeeze my nose. I can make it honk and I can say, smell you later. Chuckles. Chuckles, honk night. Chuckles.

I will figure out a way to get whined to hell if you kill Clutzy. Turn upon your comrade. I knew you would miss me. What are you doing? Careful what you wish for. Oh!

It starts to, like, down pitch. Oh, Chuckles, you're so silly. I'll go ahead and hug my nose now for you, Mr. Gideon. Ugh. Ugh!

Why did this happen? Oh, gosh! My nose is broken! This doesn't happen at all! Chuckles lied to me! Oh! Oh! Mr. Gideon, I think I might not be in heaven after all!

I know what I'll do. If you still need a good laugh, I'll do a pratfall. I can do that real good. It's a classic klutzy maneuver. We had a club, you know, classic klutzy club, but we had to shut it down because of reasons. Shut your mouth, home tonight. I had my last good laugh when you did your normal fall. After that...

Fake, uh, goblin, hobgoblin meatball hit you. And you died. I laughed like this. Well, let me see if I can make you laugh even harder when I slip on this banana peel. Whoa! Ow! Ow! Ow, my leg! Mr. Gideon, this isn't funny at all! Ow!

This one's not so bad. Can't wait for Bumble. Hopefully he kills himself again. Oh! Oh, you didn't see it. Okay, you didn't see it. I'll get up. I'll get up. I'll get up. It's gonna be alright. Oh, there's another banana peel! Oh!

My other leg! Both of my fucking legs, Mr. Gideon! Oh, gee! I'm never gonna see my family again, am I? You better hope you don't see them down here. We don't even have any wine. There's no wine! How am I gonna...

- I'm gonna kill the pain of my legs! - And that happens.

I have to have a serious conversation with you. It's Lord Rodiandra, Lord Grickleton. At what point do you want me to put you out of your misery? Derek. Just knock me out. Thank you. I'm haunted by horrible honk nights. Bumble hasn't shown up yet, but I know he's still dying. Making his way to... He is still slowly dying. I'm like...

Oh, hold on, hold on. No, I think this rib, his face, his teeth kind of go... Hold on, hold on. How did that even happen? Povino will try, but when he came in contact with my horrible felt wizard, you can see how weak he was. His face is boiled and his teeth have fallen from his face. Right out, right out of his mouth onto the ground. Gerald the Good was quite...

He was quite a powerful wizard. You watch as the small pixie acrobats and contortionists make their way out to the big top to replace what was going to be the clown car performance. As the clowns rush to find his head Bumbo, it's very clear that he is not going to survive this, and they all realize it. As they slowly rush him to, or as they quickly rush him to the

candy striper pixies, but it looks grim. - Never even save them, don't even try. - I assumed that they were gonna take them to the clown car, but it's not like a hearse because of the tiny car. It's like stuff that's in there.

And then push it. And then open a piece of luggage and like shove them in there. A suitcase. Yeah, Rich, you better start thinking about what your clown voice is gonna be. I'm covered in blood and clown guts. You know, I've never... You could have given me a...

You could have given me one million guesses about what Deathlok by Puppet looks like. And I never... I misunderstood. I thought it was a blade. I never would have guessed. This is better. This is better. I never would have... I think it's a curse. I don't know what to do. And I really wish I didn't have to sing everything. Oh, neither do I. May I say that red is your color?

Oh no, blue is more color. It's my favorite color. 'Cause you know, it's the best flavor of all the candy that you get. It's like, "Oh, what's this? Oh, it tastes... Oh, it's a blue piece. What is it flavored? Well, it's flavored like blue, right? Okay. No, that's not very good." I'm covered in gore! I think there's a clown gizzards under my armpit!

- And yes, they are still in their drag outfits. Now covered in gore. - Oh.

And speaking of the horrible murder, Jiggly, I wonder if he assisted with the disposing of old Bombo. I want to see if Jiggly's still there. You look and you see that Jiggly is not there. The door is still closed, but Jiggly's not there. How about that? Nice distraction, Gideon. A little macabre, if you ask me. Well, it's exactly what they deserve. So, is it macabre?

Macca, yeah, let's go. I just... Boardroom change! I want a change. I mean, I'm covered in real blood. Chromie's covered in fake blood. You two look fantastic. But it's guys night, we've got to get changed because we all kind of smell like Torbeck a little bit. A lot a bit, frankly. We all kind of stink like Torbeck.

You know, I can help with that. If you need... Stink like Torbjörk? If you need a hand, I can snap my fingers and make you smell a little less like piss. Well, I'll get us some new chains. I'll find something that fits all of us. No, he's blocking the way. No, he's gone. No, Jiggly is gone. Jiggly helped dispose of the corpse of... Bumbo. Bumbo.

They get weaker and weaker every time. I can't keep them all straight. I feel like these clowns are just begging to die. Yes, well... Well, at least there's only five more of them, right? Isn't that what you said? There was a great prophecy on my kingdom. I have a great prophecy too. My future heir, Globo II, will slay me in my sleep.

No other second Grimgrim. Do you sleep on your stomach, poor Veena? Oh, I do, yes, of course. Yeah, that makes sense. The prophecy was to stab you in the back.

Oh, if I learn to sleep on my back, my future troubling heir cannot get to jump on me. You just have to check under the bed every night and ensure he doesn't stab you up through the mat. Perhaps to avoid my fate, I should not fuck a troll. But even though I'm not under the fey magic, I kind of want to now. The theory has been locked in your mind. I know what that feels like. It's in the vault now. Once you consider it.

Shroud over Saltmarsh.

You can also go to thecrookedmood.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Mood, a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition. And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thanks. Goodbye. Alright, can I get out of this dress? Yeah, okay, let's see what we got here. Uh, so you're gonna go up to the door? It's locked. Hmm.

How sturdy do I... Use your face. My face? Unlock my hands and I'll use my flaming sword, Wizardton Gerald. Killer of Clowns. Wizardton Gerald has felled many a foe in just the last ten seconds. This door stands no chance.

If you can do that with your hands behind your back, I'm worried about what you do to the rest of the clowns if I let you go. Are they still here? No, they're gone. They're with the pixies. Somebody... I'm like standing behind it. Somebody give me a toothpick. I got some sinew in my molars. Ew. Um, all right. I bash the door in my head. Okay, roll to attack. Oh!

- 12 to hit the door with my head? - Yeah, that hits. Roll damage. - Okay, okay. - You're rolling damage for your sense, 'cause it's your fucking head. - Nine?

You do nine points of damage to the door and it does splinter down the middle. You'll take five points of damage as you crack part of your, as you split part of the skin on your forehead and you're right above your eyebrow, you're bleeding and you have a really bad splinter. - Oh God, yeah.

I kind of feel bad about this, but do it again. Yes, that was my idea as well! I hit it again. Roll to attack it. Alright, I will.

17 to hit. Yes, you are able to hit the door. It absolutely splits in two as you take six more points of damage as your eye swells up and it gets that bloody film that happens when you push too hard on your eyeball. It's pretty gross and nasty. You have a splinter there too. Oh, good.

Pavina, yes. You've got something. Yes, what? Got a little something. Are you looking to disrobe me? I'm looking at your face. Yes, I don't blame you. Let me just do a little bit of my magic. Can I just rub bananas on your face? Like mashed up bananas. And you'll heal for ten points. Ugh!

You'll get 10 points of healing. Do you have any other way to do that? Any other way to do that? Well, I can do other ways, but this just allows me to... If I feel a little peckish and I want a banana... Bovina, please, your banana on my face. I can be very thorough about it and meticulous. Meticulous. What?

Okay, well done Gideon. I'm sure that we won't be visited by Ms. Pig when we pilfer this costume closet. - Well, we're just getting our own clothes back. - Oh, our clothes are missing. - Oh, I mean, what? - Our clothes are missing.

And it's as you say this that you watch as three people walk out of the costume closet. They just kind of step over the rubble. They look at you bleeding and tied up. They look confused and they are wearing your clothes as they walk past you and head towards the top. - Hey! Let's go. Hey!

- Hey, wait, you! - They don't stop and they just make their very clear- - You're dressed very nicely! - They're running very late as they zip right into the big time. - Give the fuck back here, please! I need that coat. Frost can't see me like this. - Well, we got clown guts all over it and it's God's night, so gals, we need to change. Taxi Dermy needs a retirement party. - Roll a D100.

What did you rub in the banana on my face? 10 points of healing. Oh, D100. I rolled a fucking D20. 67. You find...

You find essentially a Monopoly man outfit. It's got a top hat and a monocle for those who are on a different timeline when the Monopoly man had a monocle and a cane, a nice pair of shoes, some slacks and a waistcoat as well as a little plastic pocket watch.

Hey! Look at me! What a do, what a do, everybody! Give me those fucking clothes! No! It's-- It's just for a maid, for a gnome or a goblin! Yeah, it's gnome or goblin sized. Look at me, what a do! Please try! I am sorry. Finders keepers. Alright. You don't have to go! I'll take what's left. Oh, how do I look? 92. Hella blue. You look quite dashing. Oh, look at the time.

Time to die! You find the outfit of a very tall, ornate dwarf. Beard and metal helmet with, like your classic Halloween dwarf with the horn hat. It's clearly a yarn beard.

"Ach. How do I look?" "Oh, Trevi! I didn't know you were an accent." "Do you like the accent?" "I lead my armies. You look ready for battle. Why are you talking like that though? You sound weird." "That's not full of an accent. Do you like it? Ach."

I guess... I never knew... Now I hear it. Now I hear it. When you say those words, I get it immediately. I did a little bit of, you know, stage theater on the riverboat, you know? Oh, I mean, I fucking sang that. I don't know. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Well, what'd you, what'd you, what'd you do? It's me, Kremi. Would anyone like to spend four hours playing the worst board game of mine?

- Only if we play better. - You find the costume of a wooden nutcracker, but the costume's built as if they had confused Christmas and Halloween because it is a nutcracker doulahan, which is like a headless horseman. So you're holding the nutcracker head in your arm. You understand what I'm saying? - That's a nightmare. - I know. - So you're a headless nutcracker.

So the costume sits where the shoulders and the head are right here, and it's got a nutcracker head. There's like a little rectangular thing in the... Gideon, you look, uh, quite nice. Lord Rorandra! I mean, King Rorandra! You look quite regal. I'll find something for Frosty. I know what he likes. I'm gonna go find some caffeine. Derek, roll for yourself. I know exact-- I know his measurements.

Uh, 33. 2433. You find the costume of a glass vial filled with nail clippings. Perfect!

Oh, Frosty's gonna-- - Are we gonna be a drag queen? - Frosty's gonna love it! Frosty's gonna love it! Oh! Oh, it's guys, I mean, Frosty's gonna be so excited when he learns that we already did all the games, all of the attractions, and we had a wonderful guys night, and he didn't have to suffer through it. He's gonna be so excited. - He loves timeliness. - I could change it if you want. There's another one that's along a similar vein.

- Of nail clippings? I'd like to move away from the nail clippings. - How about a different thing? - You could be a sexy sprite inside of a clear glass bottle. - Now we're talking. - Okay. - That's fantastic. - Then you can be that instead then. So then you can live your drag queen dreams. - Thank you. - Hey! - You're welcome. - Listen!

It's perfect! That's pretty funny. Gotta give it up. Oh! And I just swipe in the air and suddenly it just fucking disappears. Fulci's gonna love it. Ha ha! Let's go! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Woo hoo hoo!

We speed run to Frost, 'cause we gotta get out of this fucking heist. Yeah, yeah, yeah! We Dark Souls roll the entire way there. - And you do, you make your way out of the costume closet. You have procured a costume for Frost.

and you are making your way. - I never do. - And for the sake of it, all of your costumes are a little bit sexy. So the difference with your costume is from the front it looks great, but these pants are assless. So as you turn around, you see these two and they've got clear vinyl, so you better not fart.

Cause it'll fog up. Yes, but neither lead the way, please. That's foggy. That's not good feelings for People Monopoly, man. I watch your show every night. Instead of a gray mustache, I just go handlebar. Is it gray handlebar? No, I'll take the mustache, I'll pull it off. What?

- What? He's making my nose tickle. - Wow. - Wow. - How do I turn this off? - I sneeze as I speed run Ocarina of Time through the-- - The dwarf outfit has no shirt, but it does have little nipple clamps.

- Are they connected by a chain? - Yeah, of course. - Can I accept like a Valkyrie, like opera? - No, they look like hammers. - Like, you know, like the opera conical, like breastplate? - You could, but that's not what I decided.

You got hammer nipple clips and you'll like it. Okay, fine. You have like the Madonna boobs made out of metal. Yeah. But inside of them are nipple clamps that connect with a chain. That's the only way they stay on. They're strapless. It only stays on by clipping. It only stays on by clipping. I'm a reptile. It's clipping something. Oh, I mean, you've seen...

- You've been to Skyrim, you've seen some lizards with big old honkers, right? - Been what? - Skyrim 2. - Oh, Skyrim. - Yeah. - Skyrim. - Skyrim. - Skyrim? - Oh, Gideon, you're awake. - And then Gideon's outfit is actually just fine, 'cause I can't think of a way to sexualize a nutcracker.

You can't? Are you serious? Of all the costumes, that's the one you can't figure out how to sexualize? Yes, my costume is not sexy. No, you literally have it where it's a giant fucking chestnut on his cross and you put the head and he just walked around with the head hanging that way. Also, no arms. I think just full naked arms. Yeah.

- Oh, I'm not holding it. It's on my flaming sword. My other flaming sword. - Yeah, you have two roasted chestnuts hanging from the front of you. - I've seen horrors beyond mortal comprehension. Let's look for taffy, please. - Oh. - Fairy taffy? - Oh! - Oh, did you say you wanted some taffy? - Yes, please. - Yes, I want taffy. - Oh, sure. And she passes out taffy to each of you. - Oh my God. Do I really gotta wear this?

It's a little snug. And I thought my last costume was revealing. How do I look? What do you think, Gid? You're cured of your fate. Yeah, you look like a... I can't concentrate with this.

Did I... did I kill another clown? Yeah, you did, Giny. Oh, fuck! And I tried to stop you. What I'm trying to say is that you have a terrible curse that's following you. Uh... I guess presumably until death. Well, why the hell are all these damn clowns so fucking allergic to just normal stuff? Oh, could I have my puppet back? Yeah, here. Now, I think we burned the puppet. Maybe the pup... Have you always had the puppet? I think I won it at a carnival game.

Do you think do you think Lord Gerald good is cursed to kill clowns? Well, no, he killed clay. He killed like two clowns before we got that thing Yeah, but to be fair that one just like fell on the puppet and died immediately. That's what I'm saying The curse you did I didn't even touch him. I mean my hand was covered in the puppet exactly my boy

You're a stick of clams! But he didn't come into contact with me. His face exploded. He looked like pizza in the oven. He was bubbling. Greco couldn't help him by rubbing bananas all over his face, but I think he tried. The puppet was out of hand. The killing blow was when he hit, you stepped backwards with your high heels and you pierced right into his eyeball. Oh, well, actually, it might have been not the puppet at all, but that time I pierced him straight through the brain with my high heels. It could have been that. Fellas, fellas. I don't know.

I don't think this one's manslaughter. Well, I mean, I think that's still accidental if you stepped on his face accidentally. That's still manslaughter. And especially if it's like a stylish, charming peacock high heel, you know? Yeah, I mean, I thought he wanted it. I mean, I don't know. His face was basically melted. I think it was a bad case of felt burn, you know? He just sort of slid against the puppet. I think that he cast me to your swarm. I still think that Lord Gerald the Good...

He's evil. Look, look, I'm gonna look into some spells. And you say all of this as you're making your way towards the carriage where you know that Frost is waiting. Um, and you notice that as you get there, the carriage is just shaking violently as it's

Rocking back and forth. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Inside, you and Mr. Light have had an hour to have a really nice conversation. You've played some, he pulled out a book of crossword puzzles and you did those together. You had more cake against your better judgment. - I'm gonna jump on the bed.

And then he wanted to see how you would react to this cool magical contraption that he had, that him and Mr. Light had created as he waves a laser around the carriage and you chase it, rocking the carriage back and forth as you're trying to catch the laser.

This is surprisingly realistic. And that is what's happening on the inside of the carriage. And you walk up to it and you hear the sounds of huffing and puffing as the carriage rocks back and forth. Oh, jeez. Well, he looks like he's having a good time. Your ring is getting roughed up in there? Yeah. For what it did? Yeah. Well, you know. You think Mr. Light's taking care of it himself?

Doesn't seem like the type to get his hands dirty unless it's for a good reason. Well, hold on. Let me take a listen. What are the noises that he hears? Move it slower, Mr. Laint. I want to try to catch it. He doesn't sound like he's in pain. If that's what you want, Frost, I'll move it as slow as you like. It's a remarkable thing.

Let's make it a little bit faster. The slowness is making me tired. I want it faster. Move it as fast as you can. I'm going to go as fast as I can. All the way around. They have no other home guys now. Oh, I've been missing out on God's night. Let's go, fellas.

Hello! I do Lenny and Squee from Laverne and Shirley. Unfortunately, you were not able to open the door. Hello! Ah!

- Oh fuck! - You feel a bump on the trailer, on the wagon as Gricko slams into it, but this magically locked door does not just open for anyone and you are rocked to one side. Mr. Light looks at you and says, "Well, Frost, it looks like our time together "has come to its end. "It seems like your band of merry gentlemen "is outside waiting for you." - Thank you for having me.

It's been a lovely evening spending time with you. I hope we shall do it again. I would like that. You remember our deal. You come back with the Kenku and you can have all the answers you're looking for. But he looks at a watch on his hand. It must happen before the crowning of the Witchlight Monarch. The moment after, carnival will close. I appreciate your guidance. Thank you. This has been a most enlightening evening. I'll unlock the door for you and you may away. You know where to find me when you've

Captured the fiend. Yes, here. Yes, good sir, yes. Very good. He squeezes your thigh. It's been a lovely, lovely time. Yes, indeed. I turn and I open the door and make my way out. Before I unlock the door. Griggo, that's not how you do it! You gotta put the weight on your shoulders! I'd like to slam my head into the door after Griggo charges in. Roll an attack.

Hey, guys' knives! Roll a two, seven to hit the door. Okay, you hit the door, taking 18 points of damage as you slam your head into an absolutely unmoving door. You hear the crack, all of you hear it, as Gideon's nose breaks and blood begins to spill out.

Yeah. I think it's one of those pull open doors, not push in doors. I turn the handle and try to pull it outwards. What the fuck? What does that mean? Yeah, you turn the handle and try to pull it outwards and it is at this moment that Frost opens the door and falls out at you. It was my pleasure, Mr. Light. He is sweaty, huffing and puffing from all of the running you did. Is he covered in cream?

Oh, he's got bits of frosting stuck in his fur. It's a nice white frosting that's clearly dried into the fur around his mouth. And I look at each of you. Does not. What a dude. Oh, hey, brother. How was your guys' day? You know what I mean? Guys, what the fuck? Oh, you want to be a sexy fairy?

In a jar? Look, just do it, alright? I thought you guys were just waiting outside here. It's a carnival thing, alright? Oh no, we had a whole adventure. We finished all-- You had a whole adventure? Yeah, we platinumed the whole carnival. We did all the games. The whole carnival without me? It's been like ten hours. It's only been-- An hour. It's only been an hour. No, no, no, no. Mr. Witch, uh, he... He like slowed down time for us, is what Graco's trying to say. Anyway, put the fucking outfit on, alright?

What did I miss? I mean, I will, but... What did I miss? Oh, we just did some games. So, so... Yeah. So we... Oh, you got some sweets in there? No way, you got these cakes in there? They were tarts and cakes, yes. Oh, very nice. You got me all up, you hungry beast. I didn't think I was still hungry after all the cake that you and I competed against, but these...

Something about this place is very magical. You come to find there's always room for cake. Indeed. Yeah, yeah. Well, something got Boston cream in there at the very least, so... So, you, um, you went in, and you're like, "Oh, this'll be fine. It's just a bugbear. I'm sure he wants to talk about it." And so then you went in there, and then... Hold on, hold on. Why do you smell, like, piss and bacon grease? You are not gonna... I'll get to that. You know what I wanna know? It's Gosnaut!

It was Garznot. Okay. I mean, just us three fellas. It was Garznot and Toolback. And Toolback. And Toolback. And he was sitting next to them. We were like, oh, hey, who? And we were like, who? And he was like, Toolback. And I said, oh, is that Toolback? And Clem is like, who? Oh, and I'm like, hey, wasn't he the real...

the game operator and also climbed the Harris wheel and Cameron was like oh yeah he never came and rioted when all of them was trying to run us out of town we were like yeah and we said hey Torbert and he said

"Ahhhhh? My favorite co-workers! It's so great to see you!" I get the piss smell. "I'm here for a job!" And we're like, "On the last night, four hours in?" And he said, and I go on like this for a while. We're just standing there. Yeah, we don't move.

Oh, you went to the snail races. I don't have a calendar. You went to the gnome poetry jam. No, I'll get to that, Frosty. I'll get to that. And also, oh, you should have Clementine. Remember his girlfriend who's not cardboard? You know, I don't think he actually smelled like piss. That's just his natural smell. It's really remarkable. Why does he smell like goblin piss and not bugbear piss? That's what I want to know. It's his natural smell. Oh, he's a goblinoid. And he wouldn't remember Clementine. He kidnapped Clementine when he got here.

Well, that comes later. That comes later. You're gonna spoil the whole story! Well, I was gonna know that we were basically kind of just being a bunch of thugs for Mr. Witch. It's not about the destination, Gricko. It's about the ride. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to make it an epic tale for Frosty. So he doesn't feel left out. We did all those games. We also, I have this puppet that's covered in clown gore. Gideon accidentally killed another clown. Yeah, that's number three. Uh,

Oh, number three. Yeah, yeah. I gotta run the count. We gotta set the track back to zero. Torbeck almost fucked a pixie, an eladrin, a cyclops. I won the race. I tried to... I almost fucked a troll.

You had the opportunity, you'd declare. Oh, she wasn't looking for anything. She wasn't trying to sire an heir. She wasn't trying to be the queen of Goblin-topia. She was just trying to use me for my money. Maybe she just knew Goblin-topia didn't exist.

How dare you, Cameron? Guys, what the fuck? I leave for just a brief moment, and you do thugcraft for Mr. Witch? I feel like we were almost compelled for all this to happen. Well, I will put on this outfit. Is there a place to change, or should I pop back into Mr. Light's wagon, so to speak? You can do it right here.

And I make myself into a sprightly figure. Yes. Mr. Frost has become Morning Frost. You essentially look like a Tinkerbell in a jar, but a glowing Tinkerbell in a jar. So the jar is like hanging off my shoulders and like, oh, I feel like I'm almost like a drag queen. Mr. Frost has become Mrs. Light. What should my drag queen name be?

What? Hmm? What's a drag queen? Is it... I just mentioned that I feel like... Why are you pointing at me? Yeah, why are you... What are you talking about? Having like a fun, ironic, feminine persona on God's 9 of all things, Frosty, that's ridiculous. I can't read your mind. It's very unbecoming. I am capable. Get out of there, Frosty. I've seen everything. I've seen it all. Oh. Oh.

I think we've already kind of done that for like the last eight hours. I mean, it does, it feels like. Yeah, it's old hat at this point. Yeah, no, you were kind of. I was going to solicit some ideas from you, but if you want to skip it, that's fine. I mean, I'm a dwarf, though. See my hat? Do you have a name? Do you have a name? I mean. Should I just call you Cremie or do you have? Angus. Oh. That's a pretty good wolf name. Angus. Oh, Angus Stout. Stout. Stout Beard.

Angus Stoutbeard. Did it come with a beard? Am I wearing a false beard? A yarn beard, yeah. Oh, that's right, the yarn beard. The end of your... Yeah. All the way around. Angus Stoutbeard. Famous dwarf of... Dwarftopia. Dwarflantopia. Dwarftopia. You're not very creative, are you? Dwarftopia. What about, like, the Highland... Oh. Dwarftopia. Oh.

Or like, I don't know, anything else besides Topia. I don't know, I kind of like Dwarftopia. Dwarflintopia. Yeah, me too. Dwarftopia, I like it. We're going to stick with that. Don't try to workshop it. Anyway, what did you learn? I mean, you spent like eight hours with that guy. What's your name? What's your drag queen? Oh, um...

I have off the top of my head, I have perhaps eight names I could think of. Would it be relevant to your improvised costume? Even in doing, keep it moving. Well, you tell me what you think is most appropriate. Why can't I find it now that I have it? Ah, yes. You could call me Hissy Fit. No, no, no. Litterbox. You're not dressed like a cat after what you did in there. Katia.

You're not dressed as a cat! It should be. It's supposed to be connected to the theme? Maybe we should call you Twinkerbell. No, I don't need that one. I'm Chris. I was gonna go with RuPaul, but actually I think...

I actually think that's better. Twinker Bell! Twinker Bell is perfect. Twinker Bell fits you like a glove. Thank you. Also, look at how nice and cheaply my legs look. Brickle my fucking legs. Twinker Bell is perfect!

Oh my god! If there is not a drag queen named Twinkerbell, there is something wrong with this world. I guarantee, I guarantee. Oh my god! Now that we've gotten past that milestone, it's an important hurdle to jump. Yes, we enjoyed most of the hour in deep conversation, and we enjoyed some puzzles. Oh, oh, oh!

Very important. He's solicited us to see if we can hunt down the Kenku. Did you say the thing? What's that? Frosty, you didn't say the thing. What thing is that? Well, you said you're going to be saying Kenku.

No, why would I say it like that? Because that's the coolest thing anyone's ever said! Well, you just said it. He would have been so impressed with you! Well, save it! Save it! Well, yeah, now we have to save it! Once we kill the Cancun... Yeah, we'll punch him, but he'll die. And then you say, "Cancun?" More like, "Canc... you're dead." I don't know what you're talking about. You will die. Well, there was a moment towards the end where I said, "Thank you, Mr. Light, this has been most enlightening." Huh?

Welcome back, Frosty. Thank you. Oh, man. I mean, Twinkabelle. Thank you, Twisty. That's Gricko, I guess. Did he give you any leads on where this Kenku might be and why they're being a terrorist?

Apparently he's been trying to shut down the carnival through his mischief so that he could ask them some... It's a she, right? Apparently they have been trying to stop the carnival for this purpose. And he didn't go into too much detail about the nature of what the Genku's after. And perhaps we can talk to them when we see them. But we...

Do you get the kind of sense of how easily parted he might be from that weather thing?

- Oh. - Do you wanna steal the weather vane? - I don't steal it, I just mean, you know, let's-- - We would never steal anything, that's rule number one, no givesies backseats. - Let's say we would've find it, or he would just give it away, or trade for it, or play a game for it. - You immediately hear a coming from the side of the trailer, and you notice that Burly the bugbear has been standing there all along with his arms crossed.

He looks out at you and he says, um... You thinking about stealing that weather vane, huh? I scoop my eyes out. Are you thinking about stealing that weather vane? Not me. You know what it can do? I know what it can do. What can it do? Mr. Lane also told me what it can do, and I'd be happy to share it with you, um, but, uh...

We need to go back and do all the things that you guys did again. I want to go on all the rides. I want to go to the slam poetry game. I want to enjoy the sail racing. I want to look on the map. There's a million and one. We already did all that. Yeah, no, it's all done. No, we're fucking going.

You guys go, I'm going to have a conversation with Bungo here, and we're going to figure out... The name's Burly. Burly, that's right. Oh, Burly. How's our friend Toolback doing? Is he still among the living? Who? Toolback. He's a big bugbear fella. Never heard of him. Smells. He wore a can of beans on his... Really? You never heard of him? You were right next to him. You were right... What? He was right there. He drove him away. It's not really about Toolback anymore. And he said...

My name is Torbeck. You're taking Torbeck away. How could you know the voter's name? Yeah, well, when you take him, when you retire him, you just kind of, you know. Who? Torbeck retired? Well... Look, we know one of the rules of the carnival is not stealing, right? We know what happens to people who steal, and we know that Torbeck stole. Isn't that right?

Stole quite a bit. Stole funds multiple times for work, committed works. He was a bit of a cardboard pest, I will say. So he's hanging out with Hootsie with the sow pig. Oh, by the way, Gricko's forgotten who Hootsie is. Who? I'll figure that out. Oh, wow. Hootsie? More like Hootsie? That's a deep cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you believe me, Gricko, if I told you that there was someone who you loved very much named Hootsie?

That's preposterous, FuzzD. Okay. I've never met a Hootsie in my entire life. That's deep magic. I would just say, you'd say, oh, hey, it's Hootsie. I'll say, who? This is actually quite heartbreaking. Hootsie? Oh, by the way, I came up with my name. Oh, yes? My name is Grunkle Electrum Banks. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

Oh, I see. You have to call me that now. Grunkle? Grunkle. This is kind of weird. Yeah, isn't it weird? Why would it do that? Let me see if there's some sort of mechanism. Oh!

Oh, I think maybe it's because it's like a little caterpillar. Oh yeah, yeah. Like it just marches along. Yeah, like a fuzzy caterpillar. It looks like a little fuzzy cat. Maybe that's what it's supposed to do. I don't really get it. Why is the surface of that so tacky? You gotta know, I don't think it was washed. It kinda smelled off. A little Torbicky? No. No? No.

Like a can of albacore tuna? I was thinking of joking, and I stopped myself, and Nikki decided to go there. I had the self-control to not make a surf and turf joke, okay? I did it. Can of albacore tuna.

Well, what haven't you done? Have you done every ride? Have I missed out on the whole carnival? We got nothing done. It was like eight hours and we got nothing fucking done. All we did was ride all the rides and play all the carnival games. I wanted to do that. No, we did all the games and we did the snail races. I think that's all you missed out on. We did the snail races and the games, but we didn't do Pixie Kingdom. We didn't do the Mystery Line. We didn't do the Bubble Pixie Kingdom. That's where Torbeck rode the...

- You know, Ferris Wheel. - We didn't do the issue of it. - You know that the Ferris Wheel was outside of Pixie Kingdom. You've never actually gone into Pixie Kingdom. - We have a dome in Pixie Kingdom, is the point. I mean, we were sort of around it and we did all the games around it, but. - Torbjorn did Pixie Kingdom. - I mean, that guy fucks, let's be honest.

He wishes. Yeah, he's such a grotesque creature. No, I mean, he really cleaned up. I mean, everyone... It's quite impressive, frankly. It's cool.

Maybe it's like he's so repulsive that it kind of comes back around and becomes suddenly like a tract. It's like a flat circle. Anything that's extreme becomes its opposite. So the piss smell must be like Dior to some. Do what? Sauvage. Dior? There was that gentleman Dior who fell cologne on the street corner. You don't remember that? Where? In Agwe.

In Oguey? Oh, is that the guy who's like, "Oh, soap with a prize inside." "It's cologne." It's just a little, it's literally like pig fat. That's exactly how he sounded. You got it exactly right. His name was Dior? I think that was his last name. It was on the sign. Oh, he's doing all right. Torbjörn is the pig fat guy? Oh, Dior.

What happened to Torbeck? So you're just going to leave Burly there? No, no, no. You guys want to go. I'm going to talk to him. Oh, no, we can wait. We can wait. Oh, so anyway, there was a great Ferris wheel and then Gideon could hear through the veil. Where can we speak privately? We can speak right here. Right here? Can't go anywhere. You think they can hear us out here? They're not listening to us right now.

I wouldn't be mad for a second, but... No one would know better than I would. Insist. What's your proposition, friend? Bad things have been happening at the carnival for a while. People and things have been going missing. And bosses know more than they're telling. But their hands are tied somehow, I'm not quite sure why. You're the first people I've met who might be able to set things right. Shocking, I know.

Witch and Light are good guys, but you'll need leverage to make them spill all of the beans. What do you mean? Are they being blackmailed? Not quite sure, but something's happening and they're not willing to tell. I can hear them in there arguing about it sometimes. I don't think bringing the Kenku to justice is going to be enough. They'll give you some answers. I heard Mr. Light tell you that he'd answer your questions, but he sure as hell made a point of not saying he'd answer them truthfully.

You want the truth? That's a good point. You're gonna have to get one of their items and hold it hostage. How do you suggest we do that? Get around one of these, uh, fake rules? I'm not, I'm honestly not sure. It's gonna be difficult. There are some people at the carnival that could help you. Durlagron, Candlefoot, Palasha. They're all good eggs. Sure, if you could make friends with them.

They could help in some way. Where can we find Pelasha? The mermaid? Yeah. We know where to find the mermaid, all right.

There's only one place you're gonna find the mermaid. He told us, at least he bombed us. Silver Swan Lake. Oh. Oh. Is it a top half mermaid or a bottom half mermaid? Top half mermaid. Oh, so it's a fish head? No, it's a bottom half mermaid. Fish head with human legs? That's a bottom half mermaid. Yeah, that's a bottom half mermaid. Well, I guess it depends. It depends. What top half are you talking about? Yeah, which half are you talking about? Top half, you know? Well, Merlin is sea, right? Yeah. The mate of the sea. Yeah.

All right, she's a bottom half mermaid. All right, but yeah, bottom half mermaid. All right, she's a bottom half mermaid. Anyway, my point is, you're going to have to find a way to get one of these items. That's the only way. They need them to run this carnival. They need them. Which one's more valuable? Which one's more powerful? There's no answer to that. Both of them are required to run this carnival. Both of them are required for them to function the way they need to function.

If you get that weather vane, or you get that pocket watch, you are guaranteed to get what you need from them to get it back. The only thing I ask is that no harm comes to either one of them. I really mean it when I say they're good guys, but they're caught up in something. In over their heads, huh? They're in over their heads. Oh, I bet it's scabifer. Couldn't tell you. I've never heard that name before. I'm Grunkle Electrum Bags. That's my name.

Great. And he loves unicorns. Oh, I already told you that, I think. Yeah, I love unicorns. Love that for you. Anyways, I appreciate it, friend. And I'll take a couple gold pieces out and put it in his palm. Now, my guess is that the watch is probably going to be easier to steal. It's smaller. It's often tucked inside of Mr. Witch's pocket, whereas the weather vane is always held in Mr. Light's hand.

much harder to get than the pocket watch. We can never get him to drop the weather vane and put something else in his hand. No, I was with him for almost an hour. He has a very firm grip. Yes, I feel like that would be impossible. I feel like the pocket watch is the right way to go. I mean, Frost did build a little bit of a relationship. Now, the information I can tell you about both, depending on what you choose to do, and I'm hoping you'll take my words to heart, and this will not leave...

This place right here. You're not going to go spreading this around. We can be very discreet. Now, you said you know what the Witchlight Vein does. I'm assuming the rest of you do, too. No, I don't. No. Well, other than declare the king. Witch and Light have no control over who the monarch will be. But it's always the guest who's contributed the most to the happiness of the carnival. The monarch's given a charm that lets them fly. It's given to them from the vein itself.

It's like a emotional tuning fork or honing magnet or something. But it is responsible for the overall emotional health of the carnival. The carnival wouldn't be what it is without that thing. As for the watch, well, the watch is what's used to pack up and build up the carnival. At the end of it, Mr. Witch uses it to collapse the carnival into a small little box and take it wherever he wants.

Uses it to rebuild the carnival. Without that pocket watch, there would be no Witchlight Carnival. Do the people who run the carnival stay inside when it's shrunk into this little space? Those that decide to stay on, yeah. So they shrink with it. They aren't like crushed horribly as the transformation occurs. Do I look like I'm crushed horribly? I didn't know that you've been through this process before. I was just asking. You don't get into a position like mine by being a one-timer here, I'm telling you that. I've been with the Witchlight Carnival for a long time.

Long, long time. I get the sense that Mr. Light wouldn't like a one-timer. He doesn't. Do I get a sense that I believe that he is genuine in his want for good for Mr. Light and Mr. Witch? And that he's telling the truth in this sense? And while you're doing that, he says...

Now, the pocket watch is attached to a waist chain, waistcoat chain. It's tucked into the pocket. If you're going to get that watch away from him, you're going to have to find some way to break that chain. And from what I've heard, that chain is very sturdy, so you're going to have a rough time.

I feel a 22 about it. He seems to be very genuine. You can tell that what he's asking you, he's not asking you to sow discord. He's not asking you to steal it and never get it back. He wants you to take it just enough to figure out what's going on so that you can free these people that he cares about from whatever bond or whatever deal that they have struck.

He is asking you to help because he genuinely believes that Mr. Light and Mr. Witch are good people. Very good. Now, there is someone I'd like you to stay away from. Who? Facko the Clown. He's untrustworthy. He might lead you to believe that he wants to help, but he doesn't. I'm pretty sure he's working with whoever's...

Blackmailing. My bosses. What's he worth to your dad? Just as much as he is alive. Absolutely nothing. Well, what if he says the same thing about you? We start talking in the stack on, he says, look out for...

Grumblepuss. My name is Burly. Oh, really? The whole time? He introduced himself as Grumblepuss. Yeah, I thought he introduced himself as Grumblepuss, too. Burly, you got me all confused. It's Grumblepuss. Yeah. I think Frosty's being a little bit of a Grumblepuss right now. Yeah, Frosty's being a little Grumblepuss. These panties ride up, all right? Yeah, just because we couldn't find Zendaya that one time. I will, um... I'm a third time.

I'm missing. I will tell you something about myself that I don't share with anyone. Oh. If you're going to trust me, I'm going to trust you. Okay. I have a twin brother, Hurley. Hurley and Curly. Hurley. Hurley? H-U-R-L-Y. Hurley and Burley. You have mean parents. Hurley went missing. Oh. I don't hear that. I queried Mr. Witch and Mr. Light about it, and

Though they told me that Hurley probably just wanted more than a witch-light hand's life. Though I knew that to be the case, he always wanted to be a performer. He wanted to be an actor. It was his dream. And he was trying so hard to get a spot on the big top extravaganza. I feel like he was so close. He was so close. I don't think he would leave. I truly don't. You think he was taken? I think he was taken. Well, what was his act? Maybe he just left to work on it. That's possible. He was a one-man show.

He liked doing voices. He liked performing. You don't leave your twin brother behind. No. I mean, just without telling him. We were very, very close. He would have left me a note. He would have let me know where he was going so I could find him. He would want me to know that he was safe, he was okay.

Let me ask you this. The number of people missing in this carnival seems to be... A lot. Is it this way every year where dozens or more go missing? It's been this way for a while now. Okay, so we didn't accidentally, like, he didn't capsule corp the carnival on top of, like, a burial ground or some sort of catacombs. This is ongoing. Yes. Okay, very good. Hmm, the plot thickens, gentlemen. Ahhhh.

Grumple? I have seen this Kenku around and I think... I don't think this Kenku is what my bosses think they are. I think... She's politically motivated. She's a terrorist, we know. That's possible, but I was outside when she had her meeting with Mr. Witch and Mr. Light and she had roughly the same questions.

Where is Zabilna? Why are people disappearing? And why are you allowing it to happen at your carnival? Asking regarding Zabilna. Well, she's evil though, right? Huh? She evil? Who?

Kenku. She never killed anybody? Never hurt anybody? Well, she almost killed that poor fella, but I mean, I guess who cares about that guy? From what I can tell, her main purpose is a similar task to yours. Oh, come on. She's trying to get a hold of the weather vane or the pocket watch to force Mr. Witch or Mr. Light to give her the answer she seeks. On the same quest. I'll have a fury. All right, I got a...

there you go i don't know you're not gonna want to follow up my theory no i don't have a theory i have uh i have uh paper of sorts i think we can pull off something i've done a little before but you go with your theory i got a plan for how i think we can get that i think that someone unscrupulous was trying to kill the dwarf

with a rogue renegade dragonfly. And it's probably like, "Ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba." And the Kenku's like, "Oh, save the dwarf!" And going, "Ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba." And we think, "Oh no! It's the Kenku!" But the Kenku is trying to help all along! Huh?

I mean, I guess that's theoretically possible, but I mean, what are the odds that there was a kink who ends someone else in the bushes? Mr. Light explicitly told me that... There's a lot of sex pests in the bushes. I mean, this carnival's full of them. I want this place. I was a witch lord hand. I mean, there's a bunch of creeps here, you know, they're all in the bushes doing weird shit. But why are they casting curses on people to crash into on dragonflies? Are they all warlocks? Oh, I'll bet that dwarf knows more than he let on.

I think he was just a bumblefuck from Agwe. At least he looked it. The plot thickens. Mr. Light explicitly told me that the Kenku was causing mischief to try and sour the carnival so that people would leave so that it could get its way. Hmm. I got nothing. We're going to have to confront the Kenku and get answers for ourselves, and then we'll be able to make an informed decision, Grunkle. You're right, Twinklebell. Mm-hmm.

we need to follow the facts i think we build a little coalition and we wager gore against that but we use him to get the information oh we try to go get a sense of what the is going on here if he knows he can lead us rot to scab exactly yeah that that's a very good idea and we've always got gideon you turn him into a thacker

Oh, Frosty, I love when you talk like that. Man, I'm itching to scrap some clowns. And not this time, because they have a felt allergy or a horrible goblin meat, you know, substitution allergy. But because you just hit all that snow. It's like that moment in Avengers where they're like, Hulk smash, Gideon kill clown. Yeah! Well, I mean, really anything, but...

It's been a long time since we've scrapped around a little bit. Do we... Go ahead, Draco. Do we need to assemble a team? We have assembled a team. We've assembled a team. No, no, no. Like... And we'll be like, oh, you stupid mom that everyone hates. Oh, you mermaid. You know what I mean? And you, that other guy that Burly said. I forget who that was supposed to be.

Who again? I write them down. He told you that it was-- Candlefoot. Candlefoot. Yep, it's one of them. Candlefoot the Mime, Pelasha. Pelasha the Mime Maid. And Durlagron. Durlagron. Yeah, who's that? We met Durlagron, didn't we? Durlagron is a displacer beast. You have not met Durlagron. Oh, Kitty Whiskers, you mean? Miss Kitty Whiskers? Is that what you call her? Yeah.

I met her eight years ago, and I feel like it was a very important meeting with Miss Kitty. She's been here a long time, too. I can't remember why it would be important. When Gideon becomes One Punch Man. Yeah, that one shot. Or the fist just appears. Gideon, are you sure that it's...

Is it just a coincidence that you're being haunted by clowns because you've killed clowns in succession? If you kill something else, do you think it would haunt you, or is it only the clowns that are assembling in your nightmares? Oh, I was going to say, if we meet up with this Kenku, I'm happy to try. But the Kenku plays into my caper. Well, agree with me on this. Do not kill the Kenku until we get some answers out of it. Otherwise, I think our mystery will be lost in the wind. So...

Krammy and I, a couple of towns back, we peeled off this caper called the... What'd you call it? I don't even remember what we did. Oh, well, okay. Well, so here's the thing. The aloof carpetbaggers, maybe. No, that was not even close to it. The whiskey slim caper. That's pretty good, but I don't think... The greasy frog leg? I don't know. It'll come to you. Let me walk you through it. So, how do you get... Well, how do you get something from someone when it's under protection 24-7?

There are a hundred million answers to that question. No, there's just one. Distraction? You get them to move it. How do you get them to move it? You threaten it. Someone's coming for it. They think that the Cancun's coming to mess up their carnival. We meet up with the Cancun. We say we're on the Cancun side. Trying to get in. We're trying to get that watch. We set her up to go in.

steal the watch, we go to Mr. Witch, say, "Hey, this canku's coming for your watch." "You gotta move it. We gotta put it somewhere safe." We get in on it. As he's moving it from his pocket somewhere else. And we promise the watch protection. We promise the watch protection, exactly. But if we keep it safe!

How are we gonna get it then? Because we'll have been given it for the purposes of safety. We're the ones keeping it safe. But then it's not gonna be safe. We're gonna steal it. It's still being stolen. It's not safe. No, no. We're borrowing it for ransom purposes. The idea is to deceive Mr. Witch into giving us the watch to protect it from the Kenku. And honestly, I don't think we need to meet the Kenku for this purpose.

He already knows that there's threat of the Watch from the Kenku in this place. I think we need cooperation. If the Kenku's on our side, at least has the same goal we do, we can bother with it. Isn't she a warlock, too? If she's a warlock and is a builder, is a patron. We're already helping old Madrick. There's no difference helping the Kenku, too. Yeah, and he's not gonna just hand over the Watch if there isn't a real threat bearing down.

We need the Kenku to really come on strong. Then he gives us the watch to keep it safe momentarily. That's right. Kermit convinces him. And I think the good Baron might be able to help out with some of this. Hey, Kenny, the Razorback Fall. What do we call this? I mean... Do we have like a line on a name? I don't know.

Ooh, uh... You get him to move at like the Italian job or something? Like the... Oh, the drunk grasshopper. Ooh, that's kind of nice. Wait! Didn't Mr. Ruslov give us letters or something that we were supposed to open that I completely forgot about? He fucking did give us letters. You have them!

Please tell me you still have it, Gide. Oh yeah, I mean, I haven't, I mean, yeah, I got everything. I think I got the gold, I got those letters. No, I have the gold. No, I have the gold. Oh, you hold the gold, but I'm keeping track of the gold, that's right. Yeah, yeah. We're in all caps. Where are you keeping all this on your person? I have the gold. In his back pocket. I don't think those items seem relevant for anything. I thought, you know, what, you want to raid them?

Yeah, what if it's like, "Oh hey, my old pal, uh, uh, Ms. Kenku, uh, Katie, is gonna be at the, uh, carnival, and she's looking for Shibuna too, you should probably go talk to her. And she's actually pretty cool. She makes great blueberry muffins, you should also try them." Sounds pretty nice. I mean, I don't know. We shouldn't read it then! Do you think she also makes, like,

If she does, if she is good at making muffins, do you think she'd also be good at making lemon poppy seed muffins? I love those. I love lemon poppy seed muffins. I love those. They're pretty good. I mean, they're really good, right? Those are damn good. When's the last time we had a good lemon poppy seed muffin? Right? It's probably been a while. You think she can make good... Wait, how does she make muffins? How do we... Oh, it was a hypothetical and I tricked myself into thinking it was real. She's not a baker. She's a can-cook.

She can't even speak. I mean, she can only mimic. You can mimic the Muffin Man. The Muffin Man? The Muffin Man. Hmm.

She can make a muffin, man. What if we open the letters and she is a good guy? And then we set her up to do this crime thing and, you know, they end up, like, imprisoning her. We'll feel kind of bad. I don't know what... I mean, first of all, why would we ever feel bad? Second of all, I mean, if she has the same goal, she's got nothing else to lose. It sounds like she's trying to do something that she's in way over her head. And I think that she could use allies like us and that means being a...

being a plant, being a distraction, being whatever it is we need her to be. I mean, she doesn't really have a choice at this point. Oh, she's causing a ruckus, too, and she's avoided the sow pig. Ms. Pig. Ms. Pig. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. She might be a pretty slippery customer, too. Mm-hmm. But I still think we need to rough up, Fatco.

It's Thacco, T-H-A-C-L. No, no, I mean, I'm Gricko, though, so I'll say Thacco. Free Thacco, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What a Thacco that guy is. So I think that we need to trick Thacco, and then we can follow him, and he would be like, oh, I'm going to go meet up with Skebba for later, and Ms. Pigs, and that horrible, disgusting frog thing that I just want to kill, and then the moon lady. And then we jump out and say, you're the bad guy, Thacco.

And we blow the whole thing open. Eh? Eh? I mean, if this clown is as weak as the other clowns at this carnival, it'll be a piece of cake. I probably shouldn't touch him, actually. I also have a theory about that. Yeah, I'll stand ten feet away. Have we encountered, since you manslaughtered Chuckles, have we been near any clowns until the carnival?

The answer to that would be no. It's pretty unlikely, I mean... Yeah, I don't know. And remember all that, like, in the laughing, he was, like, muttering all that weird stuff? I mean, I just, I don't really remember. I feel like Gideon laughed. When he was in the grass before. When he was freaking out in the grass? Yeah, when he was freaking out in the grass, he was on his fifth. Yeah. I'm just saying. I mean, laughed until he died. Oh, that's what I mean. I'm saying. Aw, it's awful mysterious. It seems that you've been cursed by a clown's laughter.

I think it has been a while since you've had fake curses. Oh no. And I have a lot of dreads. Can't we just take 15 minutes to plan the better part of this adventure? I have a lot of dreads. Anyway, Burly. Where are we going? You got to lead somewhere there's canku is. Let's just build a plan first before we're talking. Quick, before we have to sing everything. Hold on.

"Burly, please! Please, Burly!" "It cannot be!" "Before or after we get hit with this, can we take a break?" "I think after. I'd like to know what my curse is, so if there's any improv I can do a little bit of thinking ahead of time." "That's before, not after." "No, I'm gonna take the break after." "Oh, I was saying--" "So I wanna learn--" "I was saying we should get the curses before or after." "Oh! I misunderstood what you meant." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Okay, so one of you is going to lose D4 letters of your name. And I rolled a four. Oh, can it be me? So you can either be F. I was hoping it would be F. Yeah, that works. Or Morgfot. Oh yeah, Morgfot. That's a classic. Yeah, no, you'll be Morgfot again. That's good, thank you. Thank you for that. Yeah, that works. Because everyone else is just like one letter or Gricko could be K.

- 'Cause the CK. - Oh, my name is Ho. - Or Ko. You could be Ko. - Ho, that's why I keep saying Ho. - Or you could be Ik. - I think Morig Fott. - I think Morig Fott's good. Let's see what the next one is. - Oh, Foddy. - Wouldn't it actually just, does it affect both of my names? - Yeah, that's why it's Morig Fott. - No, no, no, no. Am I now just Twinker? - Mm. - Twink. - Yes, you're Twinker. - Twinker. - Twinker. - Twinker. - It's just worse somehow. - It's so much worse.

Yeah. Inker Bell? Inker Bell! Oh, you'd be like an octopus! It begins to rain, Gricko, and every single raindrop you believe has a human face staring at you. Do we all see the rain? Oh yeah, it's just raining. Oh, it's raining out. How unpleasant. You really get Eldritch Horror ones. Yeah.

- Which one of you wants to be the next one? - Oh, I don't know. - Okay, great. You believe you are a frog prince that needs to be kissed to regain your human form. - Oh, that's the best one! - He just had that one basically.

You want? No, no, I don't know. I definitely don't want that one. Okay, Kremi, pick one of your friends. I don't know. Does he have to fall in love and kiss him? No, he looks at you and believes that you're an evil monster. Thank you. Thank you for that.

Fellas. I really like this. Something's happened. Hey. Is it raining out here? Yes, it is. Is it feeling like fey wild in here? There's something in the rain out here. There's a little bit of a tingle. I'm going to do a different one for you so you have one you can actually ask out. A little bit of a tingle on my... So I'm Morning Frost Twinkerbell again? Yeah. Very good. Hey, can somebody kiss me? Your knees be confused. You lose the ability to run. What?

Oh, is it raining? Hey, now that you've fallen on the ground, can you slide over here and kiss me on the lips? My fucking legs, Gideon. Yeah, but... I don't need your legs, I need your lips. You're not even listening. Listen, I mean, you can kiss me too. I'm a frog. Get the fuck away from me. I see the faces of

Everyone I've ever let down and it's just the faces of eternity in the rain. I look at the rain. Do I see any faces of eternity? No. I think it is the reason why we've had such misfortune. Hey! Are these clown faces? No. Some of them are. Well, let me know. I mean...

I never really thought twice about the horns, kid. I just figured, oh, you got, you know, Fire Genie blood and they got horns, but... What are you talking about? Are you even...

Are you even a genasi? Well, not right now. You're a devil, dude. No! What? You fooled me this whole time! You're saying really disparaging things to me right now, and I am royalty. Again. No, you're not royalty. I'm royalty! No, you're not. You're the king of devils, you know what you're saying? No! I'm the prince of demons? I'm the prince of frogs! No, you're the prince of demons, dude. No, I'm the prince of frogs! Oh, this is all very jealous about that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

I sit up and just like watch them with my legs. Oh, his fucking legs! Oh, your fucking legs! Yes, yes, I uh...

I hop over to Frosty and perch on his, uh... I'm actually like a frog, a small frog? No, you just think you are. Oh, I hop over to Frosty and perch on his knees. I perch on his knees. What do you mean? Give me a nut. It's very heavy. No, wait, but kiss me. Can you kiss me? You gotta turn me back. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Get off him, Gideon! I'm gonna push him off. He's trying to kill us all! The choo-choo! Oh, the children! Gideon, you're under some sort of influence of the magics of this area.

Kissing you is not gonna solve your problem. I just can't believe it. Gricko, yours is being changed. You feel as things shift and you can only speak in lines from musicals, movies, poetry, or other media. Nice. Grinkle? This is gonna be really hard. That's a tough one. You're jazzed. I mean, yeah, you know this. Why...

Why you ask? You hate jazz though. Anyways. Hey, what are you thinking? You mind kissing me on the lips? This whole time, I believe everything that's gone wrong. What did you think, Mike? 18 plus content counts. 18 plus content. It's all movies. Yeah, okay, okay.

Well, somebody's gotta kiss me. I can't be a frog prince forever. He's trying to curse all of us. He's trying to pass his horrible Eldritch curse onto every single one of us. I don't want-- He's a devil. He's a fiend. It's not a horrible Eldritch curse. It's your fault that Hootsy's gone. It's your fault that we've made it up in this mess. Why would you say that to me? This is very unlike you. He's a despicable monster and I can't think about it. That is a horrible thing to say. I would still however let you kiss me on the mouth.

Well, what would that do if I did that? It would undo me being a frog prince. I'd go back to being my fire genasi, normal non-prince self. Well, maybe I'd still be a prince. I don't know, actually. It's worth a train. Yeah. Why don't you just kiss me? Would it undo you being a monster? I mean, I don't think I'm a monster right now. I'm just a, you know, a charming frog. Get out of my swamp! I'm not in your swamp. Get out of my swamp! You don't have a swamp. I'm just over there dancing in the rain.

I'm singing in the rain too! I walk in the rain as well! In the rain? In the rain! I walk in the rain! In the rain, yeah. I don't know, I feel like it's some kind of devil's trick. Look, we're not going to be able to execute any kind of plan in this condition. I'm going to army crawl to the next thing that we can do, and perhaps we can relax on a ride or enjoy a game.

Can I rejoin Guy's Night? Is that what you're calling it? No, Guy's Night is over. No, you can if you kiss me. Oh, okay. No, not you. No, no. No, anybody else. Wipe your mouth off. You've never been against sloppy seconds before, kid. Why now? Well, okay. Yeah, you know. Yeah, fuck off.

Alright, lean down. Oh, no, this is a frog, I'm already on the ground.

You're standing up. No, I'm not. I'm on the ground. Ribbit? Ribbit? Yeah, I'm right here. He's a toad demon this whole time. I'm coming back. I hop back up onto his knees. All right, don't. What do you got? I would like you both to make a performance check to see how well you kiss.

Natural 20! I'm a passionate but generous lover.

Performance? Yeah. 18. Oh, yeah. Your lips meet each other's. And at first, you think this is just a kiss to cure your friend, but your lips are soft and supple. And it's been a while since you've experienced any kind of romance as you both lean in. It's been at least 15 minutes. It's been at least 15 minutes as you begin to passionately kiss each other. Well, for me as well.

Maybe your arms are still behind your back, you feel the monster. I have the weirdest boner on now. I was gonna say how nice your brace was, but you're sitting on my legs, which I can't feel, so everything's fine.

No legs, no arms. I just went from six to midnight. Well, you taste like artificial sugar. Get away from him! What? I put you apart. Hey! What are you doing? You're trying to kill him. No, I'm not trying to kill him. Do you feel cursed now? That was a dazzling kiss. I was just testing my hypothesis that this would end the curse. Oh, yes! Do you still feel like a frog? Yeah.

Uh, damn it! It's probably because somebody else got there first. There's nothing to do to fix my legs in the same way that you can't be unmade. No, I think your kiss just wasn't. It's all in your mind. You just didn't put your back into it. You already gave it away to another. Yeah, your kiss lasts passion. I'm not going to lie to you. I don't know, an 18 seems pretty bad to me. laughter

As the rain falls on me, I'll just let out a sigh and I'm just going to sit down and just rest up against like a wall or a barrel that's just near me. Yeah, I would say like one of the wheels of the wagon. Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watch sea beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

It's too bad Fekko won't live. But then again, who does? I'll take you to take him to the player's room. Yeah, yeah.

It was nothing, but you have it. It showed off to your friends. Oh, that was so fucking good. My legs, Grunkle. You're a fucking filthy monster. You know that, dude? I don't know why you are saying such disparaging things to me. This is hurtful.

Lie down in your little frog ditch and die a horrible frog's death. What is the matter with you? I'm saying you're a horrible monster. Look at those horns. You think you're a frog. You don't look anything like a frog. I say all this while overfrosting. Really? Your arm's still behind your back? Yeah, I'm doing that thing where I get... I reach out my hand and I'll grab... I'll let the rain fall on it. I'll grab some soil.

The world has changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. I'll stand back up. Much that once was... Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it.

You're not making any sense, Gregor. Yeah, what's the matter with you? I'm walking here, let's go. And as you say that, I use another twist of dread. Ooh. On who? All of you. I'm going to attempt to put my legs between your arm holes, and then I can ride you like a backpack. Is that acceptable to you? I've been after that kiss. You can do whatever you want. All right, lean down. Squawk. Squawk.

All right, now we can go wherever we need to go, yeah. Oh, did it 15 minutes ago. Uh, Kriko. A secret, oh no, actually, yeah, no, we'll do you. A secret has been revealed that will make you hate someone you love. You can choose the secret and which person you've decided to hate. It does not have to be true. The voice of the last person you killed tells you things about their life no one wants to know. It's going to be Gideon's.

- You know, Clutzy had gonorrhea. - You know what, actually we should do it this, do we want both the, do we want all the clowns to be able to talk at one time or should we roll to figure out which clown is going to haunt him at any given time? - I think we do one at a time to introduce and then eventually we stack. - Okay.

So, do you want to do one at a time right now? Well, hi Gideon! It's nice to see you again. I'm gonna do a magic trick for you. I, uh... You know, I can pull a sc- an- an- an- an- a scarf out of my sleeve like this. I just pull like- Oh!

This isn't sleep at all! This is my intestines! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, you've been scalding! Beautiful sight! Oh, how the imps draw that you're in it! Why do I keep pulling? Oh, this is terrible! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I gotta stop killing clowns. I'm sorry, I've got to... I had a very light cantaloupe allergy.

- Making it sense. - I have a loving family that I can't ever see again now that I'm stuck in the eternal torment of the nine hells. - Are we in the nine hells or are we deep in the abyss? - You now believe that you are turning into a weregator. You are not.

Oh, no, you. What? You cursed me, too. No, I didn't. I didn't even kiss you. I kissed Frosty. Everywhere you go, it just follows you. I'm turning into a monster just like you. What? Man, that was kind of hurtful. Look at what you're doing to me. I'm not doing anything to you. I got Frosty on my back. I'm a frog, Prince. My teeth are about to grow...

For fathomable lengths. Why would you think that? You just want to drag me down with you, Giz? No, I don't want to drag you anywhere. This is your plan the whole time. You look up into the sky and you see that the rain clouds begin to move and the beautiful, brilliant, circular full moon shines down over you, illuminating this area of the carnival. I can't believe it. I can't believe you. What a secret I've learned.

Everything alright? No, it's not okay. I hate Uncle Globo now. Who? Is that a movie photo? I hate Uncle Globo. His goblin surf and turf was actually plant protein. He was trying...

He was trying to make a deal with the local goblin public schools. And I was his guinea pig. I have my legs and I also just played Klutzy, but I don't think I actually got a thing for Frost. Oh, that was mine. Yeah.

See? An alligator hissing. I didn't even do that. I haven't done this in a while. You were just breathing like that, like just a couple minutes ago. Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Stop it. Oh, my gosh. Stop it. What are you doing? I'm trying again.

- No, no, what are you, y'all talking about? - I'm talking about you. - No, Kulba, hey! - Quit calling me a monster and quit doing that. You're looking super weird. - What are you turning into? - If I chase you just running zigzags, I can't turn very fast. - I hate Uncle Kulba. - And I get on all fours. - A talking flea now lives in your nose, Frost. - Oh, dear me, I mean.

Hey. Yeah, hello. Hi. Hey. Who was there? You're very tickly up in there. It's me, Flea. Well, hello, Flea. Would you mind not living in my nose? No. So you would not mind? Yes. Yes. You're going to make me sneeze if you continue to...

Tarzan my nostril hairs like this. I can hang on. Yeah, I can feel that. It's like... Yeah. I have an unreasonable love for the red hot chili pepper. All of my friends don't think they're very good, but I would always say dream in Californication. Why do you keep lying to me, Juggles?

You don't have any friends. I do now, Gideon. I have a best friend now. Oh, don't say it's me. Hey, what's your favorite color? I don't have a favorite color. I don't believe in that. My favorite... I'm sorry. I sneezed all over the back of your head. Oh, what?

What the hell? Frosty, who are you talking to? Sorry, there's a small flea talking to me and living inside of my nose at this time. Oh! What? My favorite color's blue. Yes, why is that? I don't know. Hey! Hey! I'm turning. No! The only thing left to do now is have a monster battle of the death.

Kermit, we can't have a monster battle to the death, all right? You're not a monster. You're not turning into anything. You're just rolling around on the ground in your fancy suit. I'm coming, you frog fuck! And I'm gonna alligator waddle up to him and bite him on the leg. And once I bite, I'm gonna attempt to roll and death roll his leg off. Oh, terrific. Death roll his leg off. His leg off, yep. Okay. Yep.

- This is the part where Gideon permanently loses a leg. The curses go just beyond the threshold. - 12 to hit. - Misses. - You attempt to, but he believes he's a frog and he quickly leaps over you. And you're not able to find purchase on his flash.

- You never catch me. - And I'm just gonna run after you. - Ribbit. - And you just zigzagging, jumping. And so like I have to stop and really slowly adjust. - I need you all to roll a perception check at disadvantage. - Get away from her, you bitch. - Is that just the movie quote? - 17. - Oh, I rolled a nat 20 and an eight. - At disadvantage? - Yes. Oh, so it was an eight. - 12. - Yeah.

- Got a lot of fruit tearing today. - Yeah, tell that to Frost. - I'm gonna say. - 18. - 18. - I don't care for it. - I got a six. - 18. - 17. - 17? Okay, and what did you get? - 18. - 18, perfect. Okay, continue.

How long have you been in there, little man? Or thing, whatever you are? I just got here a little bit ago. I was getting cold, it was raining. I had a big flea problem when I was very young. I hope you aren't a sign of things to come. No, I think it's just me. Okay, that's good. Would you mind vacating? You're living in my nose rent-free and I don't care for it. Yeah. You would mind? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I mind that you were in my nose. I can't seem to get you out. You could try and pick me, but that'd be kind of rude. I extend a claw. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Bro, ow. Bro, ow. Did I get you? No, I'm still in here. Shit. Are you still running? No, I'm hopping. Are you still hopping away?

I will either attempt to keep biting you or chasing you until one of us is dead. - All right, you attempt to bite me. I'll stop hopping. - Fly, you fools! - I'm still holding on. - I'll grab your back.

- And I best go with the death roll anyway. - And it is about this time you have, I would say with all of whatever this is, you have made your way out of the big top extravaganza and are heading straight towards the thoroughfare that leads to all of the carnival games. And it is at this point that you hear from the shadows, "Hey, what the fuck are you guys doing?"

I feel the need. The need for speed. Who's that? You'll have to speak up. There's a small flea in my nose. Nah, don't come anywhere near us. He thinks he's a crazy, you know, were-croc. I don't know, some kind of horrible monster. Highway to the danger zone.

And you look around and you see that there is a candy striper pixie who is standing there as you guys run past trying to hold out taffies to you, but you just run past. Gideon, run in a circle. Turn around, we need the taffy. Okay. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. I'll drink your milkshake! I'll drink it up! If I tell you I'm an oil man...

I'VE ABANDONED MY CHILD! I'VE ABANDONED MY ELBOOOOOOR! Oh wow. I'VE ABANDONED MY CHILD! Can you just stuff one of those in my mouth? Quickly! Uh, you feel my legs start to animate and uh... Presumably the flea disappears as well. Goodbye! Alright, I'm taking- Yeah, give me one of those! Give me one of those! That's kinda grim. That's kinda grim.

And she looks at you chomping and she just tosses a taffy into your mouth. I'll climb down from here. You don't get to bring friends. I'm sorry? Bane? No, a morning frost or a twinker bell. It's at that point. My flight planner. It's at that point. The two of you notice something about this candy striper pixie. She shifts in a strange, magical way and you realize that

This image that you're looking at isn't real. It's a disguise of sorts. As you see her wave her hand towards you to duck behind one of these gaming booths. - Follow me. We'll get you fixed right up. - Did I do all of that with Battleaxe nipple clamps on? - Yeah. - Yes.

It was remarkable. You can see the path where you've been walking has like literally like divots. Perfect cone divots going into the gap. Oh, wow, yeah. Happily, happily. And as you make your way around the back end of this gaming booth, you watch as the magic fades and standing in front of you is a Kenku in a dark blue robe.

She looks out at you and as she opens her mouth, it is very clear that this is unlike any Kenku that you've met. This Kenku is speaking with a voice. It is not mocking. It is no mimicry. It is a voice that the two of you immediately recognize would suit a certain mime. As the Kenku says to you, Well, I'm so glad that you were able to find me. We have a lot to talk about. Sibilna has gone missing.

And though Madrick and I do not get along, well, we do have one thing in common. We want what's best for Zabillna. And I do not believe that Mr. Witch and Mr. Light are up to good. And that is where we'll end the session. I would not have expected Candlefoot to sound like that at all. Yeah, well, your character would, okay? Kazoo, kazoo! I'm a mermaid! I love big honking mermaid titties!

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