Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 7 | Tainted Love
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris! Torbeck's name is Torbeck and you're listening to Once Upon a Witchlight! Here's what happened last time. You found yourselves outside of the caravan ready to meet Mr. Witch and Mr. Light. However, they had other plans.

Frost had caused quite a stir at the Big Top extravaganza and Mr. Light wanted to have a private moment with him alone to discuss what had occurred. While you were waiting, you met up with an unexpected old friend.

Torbeck, one of your former carnies from Carnival Le Creux. Did the god of the world say friend? Was a few days late to apply to work at the Witchlight Carnival, but all the same, he was there with his resume in hand.

Mr. Witch kindly asked the three of you to entertain Torbek while Mr. Light finished his conversation with Frost. And you proceeded to enjoy a guy's night at the carnival. I think enjoy is an understatement.

I mean, it's just jokes, you know. It's just ironic. It's just jokes. It's a prank. It was just a prank. It wasn't this much fun since the last time we dressed up like we played card games. It was through the course of guys night that they were able to accomplish mostly nothing. They engaged a little bit of dress up.

Torbec set up a date with a pixie that he chose not to show up to. And they found themselves at the portion of the carnival that had the fun and games, the actual carnival games. It was here where they spent punches on their tickets to desperately try to win the stuffed visage of an Almirage, which they were lucky enough to procure.

And as they, as Kremi received the final punch on his ticket and they're discussing how to go about procuring more tickets to play more games is when the loud voice could be heard of one very irate pixie screaming from down, from down the way, calling out to Torbeck.

Tormek! Uh-oh. No, don't you dare say anything, okay? And as you scrunch yourself up, she lets loose one of her glass filled with an elderberry wine and you're completely drenched.

It's really just a small amount running down your face, but it feels like you're completely drenched in this wine as she just flings it towards you. How could you tell me to wait there and never show up? I thought we had something special. Oh, well, first of all, Torbeck didn't even get your name. What does that even matter? Second of all, Torbeck,

Torbeck has deep-seated abandonment issues. So you chose to abandon me because of your abandonment issues? Yes, it's a classic psychological defense. I mean, that's actually more likely than not in no situation. This is not a conversation for you, sir, okay? You're not

I'm not part of this. You think you could stop shouting at the absolute top of your fucking lungs? I swear to God you come at me one more time, Cake Chat, and you're gonna feel a pixie's wrath, goddammit. Hey Cassie, chill. Let Torbeck deal with this, all right? Okay. We're gonna chill. Yes. You don't ask a lady out on a date and not show. Do you understand me? Yes. You owe me. Yes. I want you to stand in front of me.

Okay... Roll a d100 for me. Oh my god! Oh, yes! Oh, I think Torment got a 14. You think you can just do something like this with no consequences?

Tormek didn't really think about it. Well, you'll think about it next time, won't you? And she starts flying around you and sprinkling you with what looks like pixie dust, but it's in deeper hues. Darker blues, darker reds, far more somber. And as you look at her, you see that the beautiful image of this pixie is almost overcome with...

a more darkened look. Her eyes are more sunken in, her teeth look more razor sharp. Her skin is more sallow. As she takes on the visage of an unseelie Fae, as she begins to sprinkle this magic over you and you watch as out of Torbek's mouth grows two gigantic bucked teeth. - Oh no!

You owe me an apology.

Oh, Thormek is very sorry. Thormek really just kind of thought that you were setting Thormek up for a fall. Why would you ever think that? Well, Thormek has a girlfriend, but... You have a freaking girlfriend and you asked me I'm on a date? Let Thormek explain. She's just made of cardboard. I don't

- I don't give a shit what she's made out of. If you see someone else, you shouldn't be asking to pick them. I need you. You know what? I don't think that's enough. Can you roll on the D one? - Thormek isn't explaining himself very well. I think that's a 40. Thormek think that's a 40.

Oh gosh, do you think we should help him out? This is getting really bad. I don't know. Let's see how this one plays out.

She rises into the air and takes on that visage of the unseelie fae as she begins to sprinkle you with her darkened pixie dust. And all of you begin to smell this immediately, the overwhelming stench of goblin piss just emptying into Torbek. - So it smells the same? - No, this is really-- - So nothing changes at all? - Torbek, we're gonna ask if you actually did anything.

Well... Okay, things are just going from bad to worse for Thorbik. Um...

Just another day that ends in Y. I think that you should learn from this, okay? You don't ask women out when you're seeing someone else. That's just trashy. You're better than that. And if you can have someone meet you in the north, you show up to the north. Torbeck's not so sure that Torbeck is better than that.

Can I have enough? Don't call. Okay. And she turns and flies off. Torbek is gone. Okay. Well. Did you ever get a name? Nope. That detail was left out very quickly.

Well, you know, I think it's a little strange because, I mean, she says that you stood her up for a date, but wasn't it kind of like stood her up for...

for ten minutes behind a wagon sort of situation. Yeah, and Thorbeck's pretty sure that she approached Thorbeck. But everything's such a whirlwind right now. Yeah, I mean, I actually think she kind of likes you. I mean, she did all that stuff to fix you up. You know, I mean, she fixed your teeth, fixed the smell you had. You look a lot better now. Oh, Thorbeck thinks that Gideon's just pulling his leg. Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Instead of Torback. Oh, I forgot about him. They should call him Torbuck. Oh! Oh!

I think Torbeck went to go see a cosmologist about some cologne, but then he went to see a urologist. Oh my!

You feeling all right? I know you guys can't hear this, but it's Chuckles. He's telling jokes, and only he's laughing. And he laughs at a pitch that really, you know, pierces the back of your teeth. You know what I mean? Like, you just feel it in your bones. Yeah, maybe we should see a neurologist for that. I'm a little concerned, kid. Yeah.

Are you sure? I mean, wouldn't he be haunting all of us? That seems a little strange. I mean, I guess you were the one who manslaughtered him. Yeah, I mean, I manslaughtered him, and at best, Kremi covered it up. So, you know, maybe by, you know, extensionist properties... Oh, I guess that Kremi was the one who was really responsible for the systematic working conditions that probably led to T'Chaka's downfall anyway. So perhaps...

So perhaps in a more philosophical sense, Kremi's more responsible than you?

Well, you know. I didn't tell Gid to punch him. I just told him to feed him to the pigs. So, if anything, I just told you to cover it up. Yeah, but to be fair, I mean, he's got a strong point. I mean, he only drank like that because of what you made him do. You know, I think it's a drinking. There's no way you just punch a guy right in his body and he dies instantly. There's just no way. Are we all forgetting that he was a drunk before he started working at the condo? What?

I barely remembered him before all this happened. Because he was a drunk! He was passed out drunk half the time. I miss that guy. You know, again, why did you punch him anyway? Who can say? You know sometimes these things just happen. You throw a meatball, you throw a fist, clowns die. You know, it's just another day of heads and wine. Wait, that's a thing that normally happens to you? A shockingly high amount of the time, yeah.

Yeah, if Gideon had an electron piece for every time he accidentally killed a clown, he'd have two electron pieces. Which isn't a lot, but it's weirder than having toys. Oh, you guys aren't mad at Thorbeck for ruining Guy's night out, are you?

I don't think it's ruined. Yeah, it's not gobbling until somebody smells like goblin piss. Oh, that sounds like we're just getting warmed up. We're just getting started. That was a good question. Do you want me to clean you up, or do you like smelling like goblin piss?

No, this is definitely one of the top ten worst things that have ever happened to Thorbent. And the other nine would shock and appall you. I mean, I could try, but that was some ill-gish magic she was using on you. Oh, please try. Give this a shot. I'm going to press the digitation to try to get the smell off.

Nothing happens. Nope, I can't help you. Dog magics I can't even begin to describe. Tornback is still appreciative. The strong, the smell of ammonia is very heavy in the air. I need you all to roll a constitution saving throw.

Maybe this will be Thorbec's new superpower. Rolls a piston! That's the new one! Ten! Oh, are we playing D&D? What did you say? A concert? Konya. Oh... Overly Thorbec. I think I got a ten. Sixteen. You are all able to succeed.

Oh, you really do stink, though. Hold on, let me pull up my character sheet. Because we are playing Bens and Dragons after all. You know, that's the strongest...

whiff of goblin piss I've ever heard and I used to be a caretaker of an outhouse in my village yeah asparagus doesn't even begin to describe it not a hint of pineapple in there oh fuck you know what Jesus Jesus

You know what? I totally forgot to tell her that I love unicorns. Oh, you little- Go hunt a deer? I swallowed this squishy red ball. I think you'd probably catch her if you start hoofing it right now. I mean, I don't know. She was kind of cool. Yeah, I don't think we should flag her down.

Thorbec's not gonna survive it. - Roll a perception check. - Oh no. Why did I even begin to suggest that? Perception, pretty good, and that's like 21. - You look over and you can see that she is talking, that she is just a few, she's a few stalls down, and she seems to be chatting with one of the caretakers at a game.

- I'll be right back. - Hey, I love unicorns. See my stuffed unicorn? Well, I guess it's a rabbit unicorn, but anyway, I love 'em. - She turns around and you see that there are tears just streaming down her face. This is great, I'm so happy for you.

Wait, you're... you're Thorbeck's friend. Well, he's Thorbeck now, but yeah. Oh, I've changed his name? Yeah, well, I mean, you sort of changed his name, but it's funny, so I'm glad you did. Oh, and he kept it? You think he still likes me? Well, I hate to break it to you, but...

I don't know if he really understands his own feelings, you know what I mean? I think he's just confused. I know, that's what I was thinking. That's what I was telling Carl over here. Oh, Carl? Hey, what it do? Look at me, I love unicorns, see? You look over and you see an older goblin who's just kind of crouched down behind the stall. He's like, all right. Isn't that great? Sure. Yeah.

Anyways, I wouldn't take it the wrong way. I think this is all very nudey. We're kind of showing him a good time. You know, it's guys night. I mean, can you see what I'm wearing? I mean, this is sort of speaks for itself. I mean, he can't really, like, you know, I told him not to, like, hit on a pixie if he's in a relationship, but I mean, like, if he's hitting on a pixie when he's in a relationship, he's probably, it's probably not a great relationship, right? Like, they're clearly having problems. Like, maybe she's not the one for him, you know? Like, should I give

space, so do you think I should approach him? I think there might be a level of biological incompatibility there, certainly. Oh, I'll mix that with just a pinch of pixie dust. I'm just saying, I think you still got a shot. You do? With those horrible Eldritch Magics, yeah, you can do just about anything. I mean, you're his friend. You wouldn't lie to me, right? No. Oh, no. Not me. Not Gremlin Cruz. I haven't lied a day in my life.

- I have to decide whether I think she would insight check you. - You have to make him roll a deception check. - If he says I've never lied, if he firmly agrees that he's never lied, he has to roll a deception. - Yeah, no, she's gonna insight check you just 'cause she's very... - That's very good. - Oh, kinda nice. - Deception. - Kinda nice. - 21.

I hold a natural one. - Wow. - She flies over and puts her tiny hands on your snoot and she's, "Thank you so much. You were just, you know, I could just tell by looking at you, you were the most honest person I've ever met in my entire life." - I take my hat off. You know what? I do try. I do try. So good luck. - Someone who likes unicorns, like they're right there. You have an overrush, Fleshy.

He didn't know that you were just the kindest, gentlest soul. And you know it's no mirage, get it? It kinda sounds like an "all mirage." Yeah. I think it's just a bunch of unicorns, but they would call it anyway. Good luck! Oh, you're gonna leave? Oh, I mean, do you want me to stay? Well, I thought you were gonna give me pointers on how to get him back.

We're just starting seeing each other. I don't want it to end yet. I guess when I said that I think that there was some biological incompatibilities, what I mean to say is that I think that's very easily overcome. Do you think, oh, if that's the only problem, can you take me back to Torbeck? Oh, God.

Yeah, sure, why not? I mean, hold on. Can I ride on your shoulder? You promise not to put any of that dark pixie dust on me? You, the big red guy or the goblin? The goblin in the rat dress? A lot of goblins here, I just want to clarify. Yeah, sure. You can do whatever you want to a Thorbeck. Okay. All right, let's go. Okay. And she'll sit on your shoulder.

Walk back with my key. Maybe there's a perfume vendor around here that Thorbeck don't worry about. No, no. Thorbeck is very sure from past experiences that that will only make things worse. What are you doing, fellas? Oh! Oh! Oh, fam! Girl, are you moving in on Thorbeck?

ex-girl? No, I'm not. You're a crocodile. Oh, she's got no interest in me. No, no offense, but this is not really my thing. He's just a sweet, honest, crocodili alligator. That's right. I've never lied a day in my life. That's all we know!

I said that Thorbeck, I mean Thorbeck. Thorbeck, Thorbeck. His relationship's a little rocky, so there's nothing that she just can't solve, you know what I mean? His relationship was a little cardboard. Oh, that was a good one. Not from you. Not from you. Oh!

This goes on for 30 minutes. And as this happens, she flies up into the air and she flies directly in front of your face. Thor back. Oh, there.

I was talking to Kremi and I'm sorry for getting so upset. Like, I don't want this fight, our first fight, to be the thing that tears us apart. So, you know, Kremi told me what the problem was and what you feel in your heart of hearts and that can be fixed, baby. I promise. Mommy's got

and she's going to blow pixie dust in your face. I need you to roll wisdom saving throw for me, please. - Torbek is very good. - Wisdom saving throw. - Yeah.

- Is it against being charmed? - No. - Oh, then I'm in trouble. - He'll be fine. - No, you won't be fine. - Norbeck got a natural one. So that's a total of three. - You immediately begin to feel your body change as you shrink and shrink and shrink until you're the size of a pixie.

What has happened? Thorbeck being seven foot tall is the only thing Thorbeck had going for him. Oh, it's okay. It's not so bad. She flies down to you. You are so perfect in this.

didn't know that it was the problem that you just felt like you were too tall? Oh, no, that was the... Thorbeck is in very deep trouble. Oh, this is going to ruin Guy's night and Thorbeck will never have any friends. Do you want to hold hands and go on the Ferris wheel? Oh, what?

Guys night! What about guys night? And do you not smell that? This is horrible! Yeah, you stink, but you did it to yourself. You did this to Thorbeck! You! No, I didn't do this to you. You didn't meet me at the North.

His clothes shrink too. Yeah, he's not naked. Well, even if Thorbeck was naked, he's very hairy. Well, if Thorbeck goes on one ride with you, which you still haven't told Thorbeck your name, will you return Thorbeck to his normal status?

But how are we gonna be together if you're as tall as you were? That's a good point. Torbek did realize that there were certain mechanical issues. Um, but again, Torbek's height is the only thing Torbek had going for him. But now you don't have anything going for you, so look, this is great, I fixed you. Hey, Torbek, can we sword ball? Can we sword ball, go or not?

- He's a guy, I'm a guy, you're not really a guy, you know, it's in the name. - Let me go ahead and help you a little bit, 'cause it's gonna be hard to talk from down here, and she sprinkles some more pixie dust on you, and you realize you can fly. - I will flit up, like, to your shoulder, and then just, like, make myself comfortable, like, on your shoulder, but the smell of piss is overwhelming. - What's up, Prickle? - Don't do that!

Uh, I lost my train of thought for a second. Focus, Graco! Oh, usually when a girl tries to get you by cutting you down and taking away all the things that make you you, that's usually a red flag. What is a red flag?

It's something that you should be aware of when you meet someone who fancies you and you might fancy them. And it's usually a sign that down the line they will turn into a harpy. And by... I mean that literally. I once dated this girl in the village and she was the most beautiful goblin, she had the greatest singing voice and she turned into a harpy.

That's horrifying. And she flew away. It was very scary. How do I fix this? Is one ride enough to make this okay? Yes, all you got to do... I don't know if this breaks the rule of no takesies-backsies. I will.

Do one Ferris wheel. Hold on. Do one Ferris wheel, and then we'll just continue Gosnok, and you'll be back to your normal seven-foot-tall self. Surely if Thorbank explains the situation, she'll be extremely reasonable, and everything will turn out just okay.

That's the smartest thing you ever said. Yeah, you know, I think you're right. I think you're right, Toolback. All right, thanks, guys. Oh, Toolback, one more question. Yeah. How does it feel to be the shortest member of the party? Please stop reminding me. Got him, got him. Guys, that's okay. We're just having a laugh. Ah!

- Okay, you have fun, lovers. - Oh, don't wake up. Not that you were going to. - Oh no, there's fennel cake over here. Wait a minute, what's that? Oh no, Chulbe's going on the ferris wheel. I'll catch up.

One ride, and then Thorbec has to continue with Guy's night. Thorbec needs this! Yeah, okay. We can go to the Ferris wheel right outside of Pixie Kingdom, because it's the only one that's going to be small enough for you to ride. Okay, that sounds amenable. And I forgot to tell you my name. Yes, you did. It's Riyadda. Riyadda. Riyadda Flog. Riyadda...

FLAG! Yeah, it's spelled R-E-A-D-A-H! Space F-L-A-G-H!

It's Celtic. Thormek doesn't know letters too good. We'll just go with how it sounds phonetically. Oh, yeah, that's why people keep calling me Red Flag. Oh, Thormek was too dumb to get the joke. Oh, Thormek is in trouble. I guess it's better than clog. Fellas, pick your kingdom.

- Oh, that's where we're gonna go and go. - She wasn't talking to you. - We got some games to play. We can't get on the Pixie Carnival ride, we're too big. - What I will say is you remember that you're out of ticket stamps. So him going on the Ferris wheel is a perfect opportunity for the three of you to head back to the ticket booth, get new tickets if you're starting to run low, because you know that Torbeck had a fresh ticket.

and be able to meet up with him for more fun and games after his Ferris wheel ride. All right, fellas, I just got a great idea. Oh. While he's on the Ferris wheel, why don't we go refresh our tickets? Oh, how did you... That is very economical with your time that's frozen anyways, Krammy. How did you come up with such a clever idea?

Oh dear. That's why you're the leader of the group. That's right, that's right. It's like Frost is right here. It's like, oh, come here. Tobacco's on the thing. Let's go get more tickets. That's something Frost would have said.

Is that your Frost and Bridget? Yeah, it's pretty good, huh? That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Apparently you gave it to me when you came to join me for breakfast. Pretty good, right? He really does like breakfast. Oh yeah, I know he does. He won't shut the fuck up about it. I mean, he really likes breakfast. I mean, I like breakfast too, but you know. And you have this conversation that you make it weird. And while that happens, Riata...

helps you make your way towards the Ferris wheel, all the while just completely talking your ear off. And it's going to be so great, because if you decide after the Ferris wheel that you're completely in love with me, which, by the way, you're not allowed to fall in love with me. Like, totally don't. I tell that to guys all the time, but they do anyway. You know, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just irresistible. But anyway, I was thinking, like, would you want to

over for dinner and you can meet my mom. Like, no pressure, though, about it at all. She doesn't like anyone, by the way, but I have a feeling she'd really like you. She has a thing for hairy guys, and there's just something about them that she... Not that I think my mom would want to date you. Like, her and my dad are on really good terms after the breakup. Anyway, you finally do make your way to the Ferris wheel. Mikey's having PTSD. laughter

Matt Gricko. Mikey. Her mom! And you eventually make your way there. She pulls out a special...

a special ticket of some sort and she hands it to the pixie that is running the ride and they do not ask for a ticket punch. It seems to be covered by the fact that she tactically works here at the carnival. - Torbek was gonna offer an extra punch for Riata.

He's in love already. I told you not to. Torbjorn is just being nice. You know what they say. Nice equals love. Okay, we're going to get in. And you watch her as she leans over to the pixie running the ride. Make sure you stop it at the top for a while. I think we're going to want to look all over the pixie kingdom and hold hands.

Is this, is the Ferris wheel bucket open air or is it closed like a gondola? It's open air. Thank God. What it is, is you can see that it is these gnarled twisted branches that form the actual shape. And then there are these vines that twist around it. And there are these almost like tulip cup baskets that you're sitting in.

- Sounds good. - I'll follow her onto the ride. - You get onto the ride. - And try to be kind and like help her onto the ride. - It slowly starts to move and you can tell that it's moving much more slowly than it should be. Even children are complaining with how slow that it's moving. You can see that she occasionally winks down at the pixie running it. - So why don't you tell me about your life and where you come from? - The last person Torbeck told about his life

let's just say he's not around anymore. Oh, that's so horrible. I'm so sorry you don't have anyone, but it's okay, baby. You have

now. Oh, no. You don't need anyone but me, you know? Who even needs guys night? Isn't the point of guys night is to find hot chicks anyway, and you found one, so just dump those guys. No, I mean, we have probably 20 minutes together based on the speed of the ride, and then Torbeck has to get back to what he was doing.

I mean, we'll see how you feel by the time the ride's over, baby, but I gotta say, this has been one of the most magical nights of my life. I can't wait to tell my sister and my cousin and my three brothers. Oh my god, my three brothers are huge. You just wait until you meet them. They can, they power lift, you know? And they're super protective because I'm the baby sister.

- Oh, okay. Well, are they as tall as Torbek used to be? - Oh my gosh, sometimes they'll use their magic to make themselves even taller. At one point, they were gods in the Autumn Court. They were 15 feet tall. - That is unironically horrifying. Listen, this is going really well. But how are you even able to stand the smell of Torbek right now?

I'm gagging myself! Oh, you know, when you're this small, you're really close to the grass and the smell of urine is everywhere all the time. People take their dogs all over the place and they don't clean up after them, so it's just a thing. That's another horrifying fact that Thorbeck has never thought about. So, do you want to have kids and how many? Are you thinking one, two, three maybe? Ten?

Honestly. John, do you think it's too young to get married? Um, Thorbeck is mentally... Do you both even love at first sight? No, not really. How do you feel about soulmates? Uh, Thorbeck is mentally... Do you think you can have more than one, or is it just like one soulmate forever? And how do you know when you've met them? Is it like...

An instantaneous revelation, do you think? This is too many questions for Thorbecke. Oh, Thorbecke is getting overwhelmed. Oh, look, we're finally at the top of the Ferris wheel and we can look at all of the kingdoms. It's only halfway done. And it is at this point that you three make your way to the ticket booth. What do do? My name is Kermit the Cruel of Unicorns. Will you take a tweet, please?

You notice that it is a different person that's here this time. It is a small female gnome. Oh! Well, I mean, that's what I said earlier. My same breed. My same breed, ma'am, miss lady. All right, that's gonna be, you said you want three tickets? Three tickets, please. That's one, two, three, what's three times three? Is that, that's nine, yeah?

Check me on this. Yeah, I believe that's nine gold pieces. Yeah, nine gold pieces. We had to hire a shysty guy to do this for us. And we still went out of mass. That's true. I've never been very good at math. Well, just three nine gold pieces, right? Yeah, or you could, you know, give up something if you want to take them for free. I'm not doing that. We remembered that, Greco, you were holding the money the whole time. Well, I'm just saying you have the option to do either. You don't.

You don't have to give up gold pieces if you'd rather, you know, make some kind of pact. No, I'm saying Gricka was holding on to 500 gold pieces. Oh, am I? We totally forgot about it when we came in here to get this ticket. I just love unicorns now. All right, well, it'll be nine gold pieces then.

Where's the gold, Graco? Hold on, hold on. Oh. It's probably, I mean, four of the gold pieces? How much is that worth? That was a lot. I know, it was a lot. It's a lot, it's a lot. Do you realize that you had strapped some of your packs and pouches to Hootsie? Oh no. Brutal.

Greg, Greg, oh, look, I get that you like a good joke. I like a good joke, Greg. You're a silly little jester, fella. I get that. That's not the time, all right? We mean just nine gold pieces. That's not that much. Well, do you remember the pig...

Remember the pig? Oh, that big. Oh, that big. Yeah. Remember that gross little frog? That was probably the one with scab of fun. Remember the frog? I don't think we actually ever even saw the frog. Oh, I told you about it. Oh, yeah. And the really creepy ghost girl. With like the moon face. Yeah, when they took Hoochie there...

Hootsie was along with the pumpkin and I was like "Oh, me arms are tired and me back so can you help me out?" Hootsie and I kind of gave her all my stuff. So the pig... The pig took our gold! Yeah, yeah, yeah. 500 gold pieces and the pig has it. Yeah.

Are you telling me we're completely broke again? Well, I don't have any go. Do you know how heavy? Get in. I am literally...

a tiny fraction of your entire mass and I have the heavy coins why don't you just hand the coins to me? Well I didn't think of it Gideon why don't you say "Oh Gringo you look like you're struggling there little fella" like you always do "Oh and look at this little green guy isn't he a weirdo?" Yeah cause I was wondering what you'd say behind my back

You're always waving your arms and doing weird things! And then sometimes Hootsie's dancing and you're making weird goblin noises and how am I supposed to know if you're struggling? You always look the same! Well, you know Gideon... I'm sorry. Okay. I lost a gold! But given Gideon and all of you, because I didn't have any gold but apparently I did... You did! You were battling the gold pieces! Hootsie went and took the...

And she has the gold, and then the pig came and took Hootsie, so I don't have any gold. And look, normally this wouldn't be an issue. It's nine gold pieces. Git and I could rob nine gold in about half a second. We can't. I mean, look at this pamphlet.

Hmm. So we gotta go make more fey packs. Wait, was that the rule of equal or lesser value? I don't remember. It's like the rule of not stealing from people in their own home or something like that. You can't steal in the Feywild, alright? I'm a little out of my depth, okay? You're right. Maybe I... Do you think gambling's allowed? I mean, do they have any games of chance?

I mean, we could all do the Free Card Monty gig. What do you think? Yeah, I mean, I think they'd go for it, yeah? I mean, we could go back to the cake station. I could just run that old show back. Just bet on me. I mean, but someone has to bet against me, huh? Yeah, nobody would do that. I'm wearing a shirt. You have to think of the cake tag shit. And usually once you win, they don't let you do it again, right? It's already starting to get faded from how stretched out it is, I don't know.

Oh my goodness. But you know, at least on the other hand, the silver lining is it looks like Gideon is having a nice conversation over there with the pixie lady. Maybe she's not as much of a bad news as I thought.

Gideon's... Wait. I mean Zulbeck. I mean Zulbeck. What was his name again? Zulbeck. Oh, Zulbeck. Yeah. No, I can hear everything he's saying. He's miserable. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. He's terribly miserable. Is that one of those horrible fake curses that you got? Yeah, yeah. Everything sounds a little bit like you guys are shouting. Kind of like if you've ever seen Superman. I'm in that phase where he's getting all his powers, but he hasn't learned how to control them all yet. So everything is just horrible and disorienting. What? Yeah.

A Superman? Yeah, well you know, something like that. Did someone su- That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. "Oh, I'm gonna come up with a guy who's super, I'm gonna call him Superman." What an idiot. Yeah. Oh. It's a little uncreative, yeah. Yeah, it's a little uncreative. Um. Alright.

It looks like Torbeck is gonna get seven minutes in heaven. Gods, I wish that was me. There's no way he lasts seven minutes.

What? What? Oh, sorry, sorry. Okay. Stop shouting. So, you know, I'm going to say it. I'm just going to come out and say it, Crammy. I know I've lost a lot of gold.

Yeah. I've lost a lot of gold. A lot of gold, yes. I mean, in our time knowing each other, there's probably a couple thousand here and there. But what is a couple thousand gold pieces between friends and the best of lads on God's night of all nights, okay? Look, I'm out of punches. I know you each have a punch left. I'll have one punch. I need a ticket. We need like ten more punches at least. At least. At least. All right, look. Let me talk to the gnome lady and I'll see what we can do here.

Sorry about that. My friends just needed to... we just had some business to discuss. So other than gold, you said something to trade? What was the other option? I'm trying to remember. I almost started doing the pixie. Yeah, fuck, I was gonna do it again.

- Yeah, yeah. - You know, you know, Torbjorn. - I don't even remember how to do another accent now. - She was more of a southerner. - Yeah, she was more of a southerner. - Yeah, I just had to get back into it, thank you. - I like that accent, yes ma'am. - Yeah, you can do, we can do a Fae pact is the easiest way to do it.

One night only, you only have to keep it up until the crowning of the Witchlight Monarch and then it goes away. So it's really no harm, no foul. They're fairly harmless, you know. No two damaging. You guys like that little charming pumpkin balancing act, right? Who did she did? Austin has a pumpkin. Something kind of like that. What is unicorn thing?

Oh, the fact that I love unicorns, but I mean, you know, in the moment I do love unicorns. It's kind of weird. It's like no skin off my back. I mean, I don't think so, but in the moment I feel like I have. All I want you to make a fave pack, please, is all the games I'd like to play, Miss Lady. Oh, yeah, absolutely okay. And she shakes your hand, and I need you to roll a d8. I don't want to engage in a horrible fave pack, but I don't want to stop playing games. You can no longer talk about your favorite thing. What are we doing?

- Wait, wait, what? - I'll just suddenly-- - Here's a new ticket. - I feel like a whole bunch of worries kind of was lifted from me. - Oh, you're not worried about it. - It feels really good, like some sort of weight was lifted off of my back. - Hang on a second, I'd like a little bit of what he's had. - Oh yeah, get yourself a little bit of this fake hair. Get yourself a little bit of this fake hair. - We can make a pact. - Oh yeah, okay. - All right, go ahead and roll day eight.

She didn't say that. Didn't I die? Two. Two. Two. All right. Well, oh, look at your little tiny wings and that cute shirt. I think you're going to need one of these. And she hands you a flower crown that you have to place upon your head. You must wear this flower crown, but you have to water it every hour and you cannot take it off.

Well, don't mind if I do. I think this really brings out the peacock feathers I have. Oh, it actually matches. Go on, just show me the colors. Like, they're all the same, yeah. When we started, guys not. I didn't realize this is where it was going to end up, but I shouldn't have missed it. I had a feeling. That's exactly where it ended the last time, you know what I mean? Yeah.

He's just joking. He's just joking. Alright, beautiful flower crown. Is there like a third option? Like a oven gold, oven of Thay pack and we like barter with something valuable? Could we make a trade? Well, I don't... Do you have something valuable to trade, I guess? Um, I have a realistic silicone gore makeup. That's pretty cool.

Are you talking about what you're wearing currently? Those hefty badonkadonks? Yeah, I mean this whole silicone breastplate. That's right. You've been sweating into that for God knows how long. I glinted up real good. I know that you were wrestling those goblins earlier. I could hear it from here. I don't think there's value in what you're wearing. On top of that, it has stamped on your side boob that it is property of the Witchlight Carnival. So are you trying to gamble...

The property of the Witchlight Carnival with the Witchlight Carnival to be able to get yourself a ticket. I'm just offering you a feel if you want to try them out. You can't have them. It's the experience of the thing. I'll just make a fake pack. Let's just get it over with.

I mean, if you have something valuable that belongs to you. Don't do it, Krim. Just make a pocket. I can't even, like, I don't know where to store anything. I don't have any possessions left. I mean, look at what I'm wearing. I'm feeling good. Gideon's looking good. Oh, man. I actually gotta get some water, by the way. We gotta find that. All right. Oh, my crap. Let's shake on it. All right. Roll a d8 for me, and then please pass this down to Krim. Oh, fuck. Krim. Krim. Krim. Oh, the one. Oh, the one.

You cannot tell a lie knowingly. Wow! Oh no. How do you feel? Holy shit! I feel like a darkness has just overcome me. Like all of my thoughts are locked in a cage. Like if I express myself the way I want to, it won't come out. Wait, what?

Why are you being so forthright with your emotions? Yeah. You seem a little bit more unhinged than usual. This is not good, Prickle. You understand? Of course it's not good. We're having a lovely tournament at Carnival. God's not crummy. It's a definition of good. I mean, it could be better. I mean, it could...

Wow. It could be better. No, that's not what I meant to say. I meant to say it's mediocre. No, David. No, no, no. Guys not. It's guys not. You can't beat these memories with a damn stick. No, when I say mediocre, what I really mean is that it's the best...

Carnival night in the Feywild with the five of us on this specific night that I've ever had. And the worst. Fuck! Can we just go home? I have to do this. Crammy, I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. What?

with Carnival Le Creu, which bared your moniker, and you being the primary founder, was it a shitty carnival, yes or no? What do I say? What do you mean, what do you say? I mean, that's your namesake. We built it from the grounds up, you know what you say. I mean, you know, it depends on the definition. You said, no, what? Yes or no question! Can you repeat the question?

Was Carnival and crew a shitty carnival, yes or no? Especially when compared to the Witchlock Carnival, which is quite magical and free! I mean, I don't know. Francois did a pretty good job cleaning the shit off the ground, so in the literal sense, you know, it was only mediocrely shitty. You know what I mean? Yes or no, Grumpy? Yes or no? I don't know, man. I don't understand what's happening. It was definitely not...

Nah, shitty. No! Okay. I thought the criminal wasn't able to lie. Never mind, let's carry on. You know, I was hoping he wouldn't understand double negative. Double what? As we're walking away, uh... Gideon...

Oh, no. Oh, God. The heron thing still, huh? Check your back left pocket. Oh, no. Get your hand out of there. Okay, I've done it. What do I expect to find? The gold that you have. That I paid you in last session.

Hey, guys, I think we're going to laugh about this later. Oh, maybe we will. Oh, it is gosh, no. It's funny how gosh, not, you know, just, you know, remember when I forgave you for losing all the gold, Gricko?

Did you? I feel like you was a very mean thing, mean spirit, advantageous- Yeah, no, I didn't say anything mean. I started off in a kind of a mean spirit way, but I forgave you eventually in the end. Oh, that's very thoughtful and generous of you on Garzno. Yeah, well, you know, per the hearing thing, as I was walking around, you know, I swam from side to side, and there was a kind of a classic jingle, which I just kind of always throw as my chains, but... Well, I double-checked, and, uh... Turns out all the gold's in my back left pocket, so... Wait, all the gold? Ha ha!

Yeah, yeah, no all the gold. Yeah, so we're very good. You're fucking kidding me, right? Like, this is a fucking sick joke, right? Here's the upside, here's the upside, okay? We ain't losing our gold, alright? Hey! So we're just a little closer. Hey, we saved some money, Crummy! Yeah, you know, you like saving money. I mean, I'm comfortable with the fate pact that I made. Yeah, and my crime is actually... I don't know what exactly it was. My crime is... Crummy can still tell lies, apparently. Yeah.

All right, you fucking prove it to me. Prove what? Show me the fucking gold right now. You better be fucking kidding me. No, I'm not kidding you. I mean, I could do both. I swear to the shadow. No, here's some of it. I mean, I could put 500 gold pieces in my hand. That's a big hand. Not a game. That's a lot of gold pieces in my hand. Yeah, wow. Yeah. I could cover three tickets, no problem. Oh, yeah, probably even four or five. I mean, I probably could have bought them out. It's going to be a long four hours, fellas. It's going to be a long four hours.

And as this happens, you're looking out over the Pixie Kingdom and it's this beautiful, magical scene. It's actually shrouded by these really small oak trees and cherry blossom trees and these elf trees that you've never seen before, or the barks of a beautiful lilac purple and flowers that are blooming in blues and pinks. And it is quite magical.

But you can't really enjoy it. It's in your ear, you hear. And I can't wait for you to meet cousin Stephanie, because she is just one of my greatest cousins. She's a heavy smoker, so sometimes she's kind of hard to understand. And occasionally she hacks a lot, and if you're too close, you might get hit. But it's

because she doesn't mean it. Oh my gosh, you know, I think that you'd really, really, really get along with my Uncle Weedo. Is this rhyme permanently stuck? I'll try to wiggle back and forth to see if I can get the rhyme to move. Roll a roll an

I mean, I'm just a tiny pig, so it's fine. Throwback is your death threat. Just roll a d20. Okay. Throwback will do it. Throwback roll a four. It creaks, but it doesn't. It just kind of rocks a little bit. She goes, oh, are you starting to feel a little... Yeah, and she starts to rub along your arm. I stick my head out the side of the bucket. Excuse me!

Right, operator! Zormek would like to come down now! Please! He looks up for a second and he looks to you and then he looks to her and she goes, and he looks back down and does not activate the Ferris wheel. All right, Rihanna, what does Zormek have to do to return to normal?

Why do you want to return to normal for? Kremi was the most honest person I'd ever met. He can't tell lies. And he just, he told me specifically,

that you missed me and that you're not happy in your current relationship and that we had something special, but the only problem was the fact that you was too big for me. Well, we... Is that true or is it not? Did you lie to your friends? There's a lot to unpack here. Mostly that Torbeck never said any of those things to Mr. Kremi. And second of all, well...

I feel like somebody's lying to me here, Thorbec, and I'm you. You're at me and I'm my heart. Here's the thing. But I'm still hurting, okay? Yep, yep. Thorbec understands the pain. And I wasn't hurting until you came. Oh, boy.

Tormek would do anything for the earth to swallow him whole right now. Here's the thing, Rihanna. That's not even my name. It's Rihanna. Rihanna. Somebody is definitely lying. Rihanna's my favorite artist. Oh, well, there's... We're legally...

Yeah. Love each other. I was gonna say we have that in common, but we don't. Um, well, I want... So are you telling me you don't love me? Well, no. So why would you lie to me this whole time? I was trying to make it up to you for sending you all the way to the north. Tormek doesn't even know where the north is. Let me

send me there if you couldn't even? I mapped it in a code. Wait, wait, Dolbeck. Are you saying the only reason you didn't show up was you didn't know how to get there, baby? No. Dolbeck is trying to explain the concept of a red herring. What does this have to do with a fish dinner? For our anniversary, you wanted to know if I like fish so you could take me out for a nice fish dinner? I mean, I was thinking about going vegetarian, but I had a cheese

earlier. Does that count? Tormek really can't stand the smell any longer and just wants to fix this. So you want to get married then? No, no, no. Tormek is far too young to be tied down. You start to feel the ride moving.

Oh, I guess our time at the top is over. Well, we'll always have the Witchlight Carnival. Yeah, I guess. And just so you know, it sucks when two star-crossed lovers just can't make it work because of...

You know, the circumstances of their births and stuff. It's like Gnomeo and Goblinette. Yes. Well, you know, things happen and we'll always have the memories. Yeah, it's like my favorite song.

From Fallout, boy. Thanks for the memories. Oh, well, maybe I'll remember that. Thornbeck will remember it fondly. I keep checking over the edge to see how close to the ground we are. It's still moving very slowly. You think you're going to go back to your ex? Well...

Are you gonna tell her about me? - Clementine is not really an ex. I mean, she still exists and she's still at home and she's still very, very real to Thorbeck. And no, no, Thorbeck will not tell Clementine about Brianna.

That's probably for the best. I think that it would really destroy her to know about the passionate love we experience at the top of the Pixie Carousel. Yes, yes, Torbek agrees. I mean, Ferris Wheel. See, I can't even think. I'm so overwhelmed with affection. Well, just remember, when things are tough, you can always just remember the goblin piss smell and think of Torbek.

Yeah, I know that you're doing this because you believe that it's what's best for me, but it's really, it's hard. Yeah, Stormbeck has learned that life is hard. Well, it looks like the ride's come to an end. Thank you for a lovely and certainly not at all...

hostage-like situation. Do you think before we go, I could get a goodbye kiss? Oh, if Tormek does that, will you return Tormek to his normal height? Yeah. Okay. But only if you want it.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Thorbec? You're not doing it out of pity. Thorbec just needs to make sure exactly what you're saying. Thorbec does very much want to be Thorbec again. Okay, that's all I needed to know, that you wanted it. Okay, here we go. And she goes in and she plants a kiss on your lip. Ah!

Oh, God. It's really awful. Torbjorn's mouth is wide open. He doesn't know how to pucker up. He's got these teeth going everywhere. He smells like goblin piss. Your teeth slam into yours. It's wet. She's completely covered in your saliva. The fur around my mouth is damp. No, God. Wow. Was it as good for you as it was for Torbjorn? Torbjorn!

- You mean this in the nicest way possible? - Yeah. - It's not me, it's you. I don't think this is gonna work anymore. - What? - Yeah. I just feel like you might be a little too inexperienced for a gal like me. - Zorbik has experience.

I feel like I'm not sure on who though. Are you saying you don't you are interested in Thoric anymore? No, that was the worst kiss I've ever had in my entire life. Is it too late to go back to the top of the Faraday? I

this is gonna work out between us. Oh, no. Come on, let's get you to the middle of that field and I'll turn you back into your old self. Okay. I think staying at this height is just gonna be too difficult on you. I'm really sorry it didn't work out, buddy, though. Okay. Yeah, God, you smell awful. She's gonna...

A single tear starts to well up in Torbeck's corner of his eye. Just well up, a little bit. She's gonna fix you with pixie dust. You feel your teeth go back to normal. The goblin piss dissipates and you return to your normal height. Oh. And you look down to wave goodbye, but you see that she has already disappeared. Oh.

Thor back is back to his normal self. Sadness and awe. That got really real.

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Worst friend tour bag. Damn it. Oh, fuck. I just don't know if it even is true. Was I in your shot for that? No, you were not. I'm just standing there. You are now between the line of...

the carnival game stalls and Pixie Kingdom. And you are standing there in your full outfit, no longer have the buck teeth, you no longer have the urine smell and Riata is nowhere to be seen. All right, I think you're gonna have to do the talking, all right? With who?

Well, with anybody, I mean, I specifically told me. I shouldn't say a damn word. Don't let him get you. He's terrible with his words. First of all. Oh, due to talking. Nobody can understand a word you're saying sometimes. But I'm very articulate.

What? What are you trying to do, Indian? I'm trying to... What? Are you speaking goblin right now? I can't tell what you're... You got me so turned around. I'm sorry. Right out of the video, I'm just stepping the goblin. You did it to me. I started shouting. I didn't wave my arms. He's looking a little bit chipper than he normally does. I must have gone way off.

Don't you worry. I caught every single word. You salty dog. You salty dog, eh? Oh, no. Gideon, you heard all.

Yes, sir. I heard you say, oh, I'm too big for you, and I'm seven feet tall. Oh, that's awesome. And then there was a lot of crying, presumably from you, which I just thought that was your style. No, Tormek doesn't cry. Tormek is a big bugbear. No, there was definitely a lot of crying. It was hard to listen to sometimes. Are you sure that wasn't Rihanna? No.

No, no, it was you. It was you. I knew once you got on that ride. Her name was Ricotta? No, Riata. But don't ask Tormek to spell it. You can spell?

Well, that's... no, I mean, that's exactly right. Unfortunately, when Torbec tried to learn to read, Frost taught Torbec all the wrong letters. It really set Torbec several reading grades. You know, I was very surprised to learn that he did that. It seemed so out of character for him. Yeah, well... I guess you just bring out the worst in people. Oh!

Mr. Krammy, you don't think Tormek brings out the worst in people, do you? Tormek holds your opinion in very high esteem. Tormek's pretty low right now and really needs opinion. It's just, it's been a long day. Well, Tormek, you know, funny you mention that. When it comes to you...

You, you're a fella, you know, you're just a guy. I don't know. Yeah, it's nice. You're a guy that we all know. Yeah, we all know him. We've known you for a while. We know of him, right? We know of him. We know him. We know of him, yeah. You know, what else could I say? He's a swell fella, you know. I'm just busting his balls. I'm just breaking his chops. I'm just pulling his legs. I'm just yanking his chain. He's certainly a fella, that's right. Mr. Crammies said Torbeck is a swell guy? Yeah.

Well I didn't, did you? Is that what you said? No. No I didn't. I said he was a swell guard and he was great. I said he was a guy. I said he was a fella. He's a fella. We know of. It's a guard on guards now. You know what I mean? A guy that we know of that used to be employed by me. You know what? Torbjörn, you know what? You were a former employee

Of my... We were co-workers. Well, I wouldn't call you a co-worker. I was your employer. Don't call me a co-worker. That's not how this works. Was there ever a time that maybe Mr. Kremi thought more of Torbeck? Like, potentially better than a co-worker? Better than a...

Like the best Ferris wheel climber that the Carnival of Cruise ever seen. Well, and the worst. He's the only one we've had. Well, no. A bunch of people fell off and that was kind of big. It was a couple of reformers. Yeah, we collared and bezzled all of our gold and we got ran out of town by the unpaid carnies. You were no longer my co-worker. So, yes. If you were anything different than a co-worker.

Tormek is getting very mixed messages. Why don't we go and do it at the Pixie Kingdom? I love unicorns, but I hope they have some there. Did you tell Ricotta Cheese to beat it? No, well, actually, Tormek was just trying to be nice to make up for the mishap

hap that happened earlier but then when we got done the ferris wheel ride uh rihanna wanted a kiss from torbank and torbank was reluctant but eventually gave in then after that brianna little smooth yeah i knew it all of a sudden rihanna said she wasn't interested in torbank

And the weirdest thing happened. Tormek was suddenly interested in Rihanna. And then she laughed like everyone does. You know, Tormek, I just want to say for a second there, I thought I was going to be like, hey, look at this lad with his Sigma grind shirt. Telling old Ricotta cheese to make like a cup of Ricotta and go cuddle in the fridge.

And then you'll just like... But hey, at least you got a little smooch out of it. It's like God is not without a little pissy kissy, you know what I mean? I'm gonna be sick.

Dormek was thrown away like an old used sock. This is exactly why I told you not to do the talking. That's fucking nasty. That is so fucking nasty and I hate you. I was drinking coffee at the time. I was there.

I'm just glad he said sock. And you know what, Dormech? We haven't left yet. So not everyone leaves. I mean, we will leave at midnight. We'll leave you, you know, to go do other stuff. And I don't know, you have to defend for yourself. And I'm sure you'll make it. But we'll be out of here. But right now, in this moment, we haven't left. But at midnight, we have a grand adventure to go on that, frankly, you're not cut out for. Enjoy these moments. What?

You've got four hours left. I don't think they can make it four, man. Only four. Because they will not last. Only four hours? Well, if anything...

Torbeck is starting to think that Torbeck has depression. Well, maybe you should talk to somebody about that. Not us, though. You can talk to me about it, Torbeck. No, I can't listen to this. We're at a carnival. We're trying to enjoy it. We got tickets. Let's go.

play some damn games. Oh yeah, I mean, honestly, I think that when you're feeling depressed, the best thing you can do is to push it all down and drown it with hedonistic frivolity. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Hey guys, we're on a race! Oh yeah, another round of giggle water. And as you call out, or as you say this, you hear called out, "Outstair the Cyclops! Big winnings! Outstair the Cyclops! Are you brave enough to stare into the single eye of a clops with only one?" No, that's not how it went. "Outstair the Cyclops!"

The Mirage girl was better. But yes, we were not too extra to the Cyclops. Oh, sorry. There are kids in the audience. Who wants to go out and stare at the Cyclops? All of us are going to do it. Yeah, I think we all give it a whirl. I think this is kind of Gricko's thing. I am a very good staring contest. Or staring contest with Hootsie. Yeah. All the time. All right, let's see what this fella's made of.

Okay, fella! Oh, can you please punch my ticket? Oh, so you're going up to it? Yeah, we're all walking up to it. You see what appears to be just a normal human man standing behind the barrier. Who can outstir the Cyclops? Oh, fuck off, Ken. How hard can it be? Well...

Can you punch your ticket? It's the last punch. Does he take it? Yeah, he'll take the ticket from you. Okay, be careful. Hold on to that or else your pig's gonna steal your daughter. So is mine gone? Yeah. You told us to rip it out. I'm sorry. I'm punching, I'm punching. He, um...

He opens up a curtain to the side and you make your way, all of you, make your way towards the back area where there is a large ring set up. There are stands where people can sit to watch. And you see in the very center of this, hunched down, crouching, is a gigantic cyclops with a beautiful blue eye. All of you are playing? Including you? Yeah. All right. He ushers you all...

out into the actual ring and he lines you up, Gricko, Kremi, Gideon, and then Torbek. As this cyclops stares down at you, he's actually very beautiful, lustrous, dark hair, perfect skin, beautifully straight teeth, and one piercing giant blue eye. He's very ripped. He's about 15 feet tall.

- Torbek actually thinks that Torbek might have a chance at this one. Torbek hasn't met another humanoid that can maintain eye contact with Torbek for more than three seconds. - Torbek, sod cloaks are giants, not humanoids.

Uh-oh. I mean, if he can manage to look at you that long, the smell alone is like peeling paint off the wall. No, no, no, no. You forgot or misunderstood that lovely pixie removed the goblin piss smell from Torbjorn. Yeah, but I thought that was the magical one. What about just your normal smell?

No, you're going to do great, Toolbag. You know, you bring out the best in all of us. That's what I said earlier, remember?

You said one thing and Mr. Kremi said another. Often Kremi's chance. A hush falls all over the crowd as you're firmly put into place. The Cyclops moves towards the middle of the stage, the middle of the arena, and you see towards the back on a pedestal a beautiful elven woman. Her hair looks like it's made of fire, of flames and flowers. She's very clearly a summer eladrin.

as she calls out, what do you do when the eye of the cyclops falls upon you? You stare right back if you've got the stamina. Do they? Place your bets. One, two, three, or four. You could win glory. They could win more. Oh,

- We can bet on this? - And you realize very quickly that the crowd is placing bets. If you are able to win, whatever the crowd bet, the carnival pays you double. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. - So let's say there are a hundred people, 50 of them bet for Gideon.

Two of them bet for Torbec. 18 bet for Gricko and then the rest bet for Kremi. If Gideon wins his round, instead of getting 50 gold pieces, he gets 100 gold pieces. - So the carnival has to bet on him to win. - No, the carnival, so-- - Who's the house? - Huh? The house is the carnival.

So you, the people are betting to win money on their own, but the carnival is awarding you for winning. If you don't win, you get nothing. We don't bet anything. You don't bet anything. Don't worry about it. Yeah, it's Vaynerchuk. It's free. Yeah, it's free for you. You're not betting anything. I didn't want to ask questions. I want to look at how little edge we're on. I am rolling D100s to figure out how much the crowd is betting on each of you on your turns. Okay. Okay.

Torbjorn has a feeling no one will be fighting him. Up first, we have Gricko Grimgrin. Please move to the front, Gricko. It's Taxi Dummy! See my tail and ears? Scratch that. Taxi Dummy. Swish, swish, swish. My tail's switching back and forth. Okay, hello there!

The Cyclops bears down on his knees and looks down at you and lets out a loud roar as he begins to stare. I need you to roll a constitution check for me, please. Check or saving throw? Check. Oh! Was it last time there was a little bit of a constitution? I'm going to twist it because we have a lot of them. I need a d100 from you.

- 18, that's not bad. And then my D100, 94. - Wow. Let's see what 94 is. One, two, three, four, five, six. Remember your numbers. - What? - One, two, three, four, five, six. - Two and five. - Three and six.

Two. You are enamored with Gideon. You think that Gideon is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. You want him to bear your children. Oh! Classic Gideon. No, I don't have any children right now. Because I forgot about my favorite thing. Do you get it?

What are you saying? I'm making conversation with the Sorority and the Cyclops. You're in love and you stare into the Cyclops, into his eye and you can't look away.

Because it's not an eyeball that you're staring into, but Gideon is staring back at you and you realize that staring into this giant orb that you've been wrong about your feelings all along. It's Fifi Nix that has your heart. Gideon is the key to unlocking your soul. You need him. You love him. Oh baby, oh baby.

And as you begin to salivate, your lips tremble as you think about your meet cute, the cyclops twitches and blinks and the crowd goes wild as you win. - Come on! - 73 people bet on you for that round. - Holy shit. - And so you get whatever double that is in gold. - 146. - Wow.

- Thank you! - You also get to roll on the prize table. - Oh, is that a D8? - A D8, please. - How much was that for me? - 146, I believe. - 146. - Four from the D8. - I'll keep track of the gold. - Oh yeah, yeah, keep track of it, keep track of it. - You are presented with a bottle of Witchlight Wine. While the bottle is uncorked, it plays Calliope music until the bottle is emptied of wine. - That's fun.

Oh, thank you, thank you. Oh, Gideon, do you see what I just want? Yeah, but I don't know, something. Hey, good workout, man. Oh, thanks, Gideon. Thank you, Gideon. Have you ever been, have you ever been so symmetrical? Yeah, yeah, more or less, yeah. I feel like we should pop this, uh...

This bottle of wine for some romantic music. Oh, God, let's get this going. Where's the coke at? Oh, God. Oh, God.

I mean, I guess we could all enjoy that wine. Yeah, it was good. Oh, that was music to my ears. Congratulations to Taxi Dummy. Next to the stage, we have Stiletta. Oh, I'm up. All right. Good luck, Mr. Crammy. I'm your biggest fan.

What a do, fella! The name's Kremler LeCrew. I'm great at staring contests and I love unicorns. Don't do this. Once again, the cyclops hunkers down and begins to stare directly into your eyes. I need you to roll a constitution check. That is a... just straight constitution? 15. Twist or dread? Dreaded. 14.

You got more. No, you fail. Oh. No, you fail. You stare into the eye of this cyclops. It is unblinking. It is endless. It is bottomless. It is an abyss. And as you look into the iris of this entity, you begin to see all the lies that are swirling around in your head, but your mouth can't utter them. You start to breathe heavily.

You start to panic as your chest gets tighter and you realize there will be no cons. Your friends are going to know what you really think about them. They're going to realize all the money you embezzled and then lost from the carnival. It was all Colin's fault, I swear. Gideon's finally going to know that you've been using him all along. That's not true. Thank you. And you start to panic. And as you do, you blink. The crowd goes wild. Do I...

Do I get a sense like I'm about to blink and would I be able to cast a spell in reaction or no? Would you be able to cast what? A spell. In reaction. Sure, yeah. So I'll be panicking. Would you kindly blink already? And I'm going to cast suggestion on him. Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

- What do I have to roll? - With save, I think it's 16 or 15, check. - I rolled a natural one. - Damn. - You feel your eyes about to close and in a moment of panic, you summon the magics within you, you cast suggestion. I'm gonna roll to see if anybody notices.

You're a lucky fuck. Nobody seems to notice as the magic booms out from you. And without even a second's hesitation, both of your eyes begin to close, but the Cyclops' eyes closes just a second before yours, and then yours follow. A hush falls over the crowd as...

It's almost palpable, the tension, as you can hear everyone's collective hearts beating as they wait for the results, as finally you hear, and the winner is Stiletta. - Stiletta. - 29 people bet on you. - Oh. - Oh, you little thing! That's it? I'm fucking taking it. 58? - Yeah, that's correct.

Next up to the stage is Fifi Nix. - I will have scampered up to Gideon's back and I'll be giving him a nice shoulder rub. - Oh, I mean. - I'm just a little gosh not in the sun. - Yeah, I mean, this feels kinda nice. - Yeah, exactly. - I mean, you got little hands, you know what they say about little hands? - Yeah, you're getting in those knots. I mean, you've never done this before. - Is this what happens when you're more than just coworkers?

Yeah, exactly right. Torek wants to be more than just co-workers. Oh, sorry. Maybe someday. Your muscles are a little not as symmetrical as Gideon's. Are you trying to say you want to give one of us a massage? Well, if that's what it takes, Torek's pretty desperate.

It's okay, Toolbag. You'll find someone for you. Oh. I can't say that raucous romantic calliope music just has me in the mood. In the mood for what? Just guys not fun. Little guys not massage. Okay, all right. I'd stay a little longer. You're a little naughty. I'm not that talented.

- Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

As they make eye contact, you are feeling the first tinges of jealousy. He's not that tall. His eyes aren't that beautiful. I mean, it's kind of like the deepest cerulean tropical waters you could imagine, but it's still kind of ugly. He's still a gross cyclops. He has the longest, most beautiful curled eyelashes.

How does he get so cool anyway? His fingers are trolling a little too hard, you know, almost a little off-putting, you know what I mean? The bow tie he's wearing is perfectly pressed. Oh, he's got a stupid bow tie. I bet he goes down with a single meatball press. You know what I mean?

And with that I need you to roll a constitution check. Alright, before I lock in with the Cyclops, I'd just like to try and lock eyes with the elf running the show for a little bit and just shoot her a quick wink. Before I... Roll a... Roll a... I'll roll whatever you want, baby. Roll a performance check. Okay, cut. 14 straight.

Are you going to lock eyes with the Cyclops? In a second, yeah. I'll get one and shoot a wink at the elf. Then I'll lock eyes with the Cyclops and I roll the 14, 14. You see a smile grace her face and you hear in your head, good luck, Fee Fee Nix. Frost, is that you? No.

No, but I'm here. Don't blink! Don't blink! Don't blink! Don't blink, idiot! You better not blink! No! Oh, it would be such a shame to make a fool out of yourself in front of that thuphole of Lad's Red. Okay. Oh, you...

You better not blink, kid. And all the while that Jackals is saying that? I'm helping you. I'm really helping you. I'm in your head, idiot, not in your ears. You're in my ears. I can hear into the vents. You're not holding me right now, okay? I can hear you. You're not in my head. You're coming into my ears. You're just drunk and dead. I am funny.

All the while you can hear the dulcet tones of the elf. She is saying something which sounds really important to you. Something about maybe meeting her out back for a quickie or

But you couldn't catch the details through Chuckle's constant variation of you as you stare into the eye of the Cyclops and I need you to roll a disadvantage. Oh, blink Gideon. You will join us. You will be our eighth clown lord. You will be the eighth of the crazy eight. Just plus the con save? No, it's just a con check.

13. You have twists. Alright, I'll twist it. Roll a d100 for me, please. Oh, that's wrong. God. Oh, did something twist it? I don't want to twist it so hard. This one's fine. Um...

The betting finishes as you are screaming out into the arena. All people can hear is this one-sided conversation as you're talking about wishing it weren't manslaughter, it was murder. Everyone's just listening to you scream out. What the fuck? I lost it. We were reenacting a play we had to do in this weird maze we got lost in. What did you get? It was about murder.

Uh, I got a 41 for my 100, and on my twisted, well, my lowest of the two after I twisted would have been a 20 for Kong. Okay, so you got a 20. I got a 41 for the... Yeah, yeah, I'm looking it up right now, sorry. Don't blink, Gideon! This is so funny.

I think that's the best part. Your eyes turn into the eyes of the person you're looking at. Whoa. Is it the first person's look constantly changes as he looks at people? I'm going to say for the sake of this, you begin to stare into the eye of this cyclops as your eyes slowly move together and form one single eye. Oh God, it's Sonic the Hedgehog. It turns into a beautiful, surreal,

- Cerulean blue. - I don't have two beautiful Cerulean with the eyelashes. - You have one beautiful Cerulean blue eye. - Did he notice this? - He hasn't turned around yet. As you stare into the eye of the Cyclops, you can see that the look on the Cyclops' face is changing as he's watching your eyes slowly drift towards the center of your face and merge in real time.

And he looks panicked as he blinks and immediately the crowd erupts in cheers as you win and you turn around to celebrate. You hear shrieks and screams as everyone sees you. What the hell? What happened? I beat him. Good luck. Did you do that? Did he? Do what?

Look! And I'm gonna pull up my compact and flip it up and show you what you look like. Ugh! What? Ugh! No! Don't look at it! No! I don't wanna! I have the weirdest boonu right now. What is the matter with you?

Anyway, Griggo's fucking killing it. This doesn't change anything. Give me one second. I gotta shoot my shot really quick. Can't let the opportunity go by one eye or two. You never know. I'm going to run up to the elf chick real quick. She looks down at you and she recoils a little. Yeah. You wink. I thought you were ugly beforehand. Okay.

Okay, okay. It would be really embarrassing if you humiliated yourself right now. Good thing you're so good with the ladies, right, Gideon? It'd be embarrassing if you humiliate yourself, but you're dead, so you can't. I'm sorry, what? Oh, um, I'm sorry. I just want to let you know that I, uh... Man, I can't believe how ugly you are, Gideon. I'm way more attractive than you are.

Are you listening to me right now? Yeah, no, I'm listening to you. Why aren't you paying attention to her words? You're always so bad at listening. You never listen, Gideon. I noticed you noticing me, and I just wanted to put you on notice. That's the best you have. I noticed you too. I'm sorry, what are you saying? Would you like to water my crown? No.

Did you not hear what I said? Were you not listening? No, I was listening. Well, what did I say to you before you started staring at me? Oh, no, I didn't know what you were saying.

- You mean, wait, before-- - She was saying honk, honk. - Yes, right after you winked. - Honk, honk. - And I sent you a sending. - Yeah, you said, "Oh, good luck." - I super chatted you. - Yeah, you said, "Oh, good luck out there, big boy." - And then I said-- - "Meet me where in the north." - What? - What? I'm sure you said, "Meet me in the north "for a little bit of some quick action."

I assume you wanted to water my cloud. I can't believe that you think I'm a girl like that. Well, I just, you know, from the heat, from the flame thing, we have the... You see this, like, fire kind of sparks in her eyes for a second? Yeah, yeah, I'm with it. Let's heat it up, girl. I need you to roll a persuasion check, actually. All right.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. No! I got a natural one. Catch him on a bad day, ladies and gentlemen. Catch him on a bad day. One eye, clown, haunting you every move. Best pal, best pal talkback, smelling like I'm a bitch. No, that's not a thing anymore. I rolled a ten. I rolled a natural one. Try that.

- Yeah! - I just, I, oh, I could. You know, I don't think this is worth a dread and I regret dreading the other thing that I dreaded. - Sometimes you just gotta overcome all odds. - Sometimes you just have to let the dice fall how they may. - True. - Well, you are quite fiery yourself. - Yeah. - That one eye does look good on you. - Oh, well. - Your lashes are so voluminous. - I noticed they have a little bit of a curl to them. Thank you for noticing as well.

Yes, maybe it's... Maybe you're born with it. Maybe you're Gideon. Oh, you knew my name from before. I guess you called it out in a part of the announcement of everything. Do I make you nervous? Yeah, a little bit. Have you ever been around an Eladrin before?

I just, you know, I see a fancy young lady like yourself, as pretty as can be, heating up the way you are, and I just want to see what happens when two flames collide. You see that some of the petals in her hair begin to start falling down, and they're igniting into flashes of ember. Her eyes are this burning red as she's staring at you. You can see that her cheeks are very pink as she blushes. Well, I...

After this round, I'll be done for the evening. If you'd like to spend some time in the big top extravaganza, a nice seat towards the very back in the shadows. Oh, that's my favorite spot. Lovely. I'll meet you at the gates then. See you there. Well...

I guess she has the thing for ugly guys. You know, you're the best wig man I ever did have. Who? I'll see you at the Big Top Extravaganza. Yes. I'll see you there. Yeah. I'll see you there. Sure. Goodbye, Gideon. So long. Why do girls always go for bad boys?

Alright, well I-- Night's guide finished last. I don't know the answer, but I will reap the rewards. I'm sorry, what are you saying? No, I'm walking away, no, you can hear me. No, no. I'm an Eladrin, I have really great hearing. Oh, damn it. Oh, so do I. We can actually talk from across the way. I can hear everything. Well.

Who's next? I believe it's Torbester. Lastly, we have, we have, oh God, what was his, Badacious Tits.

Torbek will take it. As you are walking back, Torbek will have watched everything that unfolded, but unable to hear what the exchange was. As you approach him, Torbek will put a hand on your shoulder and say, Well, Gideon, you tried with the nice lady. Let pickup artist Torbek pick this one up.

And I'll just pat him on the shoulder and as I walk towards the Cyclops, I'll look to the Eladrin and just like Gideon, I'll wink, but I'll also shoot a finger gun and say, How's it going, hot stuff? Oh, now that's a real Chad. As I elbow your knee and cast Guidance on you.

Oh no! You can add a d4, right? Roll a persuasion check. Can I steal a d4? Oh yeah, of course. Use my Miami Dice d4. And what is the check? Persuasion. Oh, where my sharp boy is. Well, I'm sure Torbek is not good at that. Oh boy. Oh boy.

Torbek rolled a natural 20. And got a plus 3 from the d4, making it a 24. Oh my god. Oh god.

- Okay, well, with her nine, I think that you might actually, okay. She looks confused for a second. You can see the flowery petals burning like embers falling from her hair and then extinguishing. She is, her skin is pink and flushed as she had been looking at Gideon, but she turns to you

And there's something about the way that you wink, the way that the eye crusties keep your eye stuck together just a little too long before it pops back open. The way that when you finger gun, both of your fingernails are completely like filled with gunk beneath them. They clearly haven't been cleaned out for a while. And normally she'd be incredibly repulsed. But there's something charming about the way you...

And she smiles. She catches herself smiling. And then she seems a little bit confused. But you hear in your head, God, I hope you're worth this super chat. Good luck. Torbjorn has that effect on the ladies. Come see me if you win. He's in an established relationship with Clementine, so...

What's that I smell? I don't think it's the goblin pit. Is that love in the air? And I will sit down in front of the cyclops and lock eye with it. I need you to roll a constitution check as the...

The Cyclops at this point seems very confused. Before he locks eyes with you, he's looking back and forth between the Eladrin and Thorbec, the Eladrin, well I guess he's Torbec again, the Eladric and Torbec, the Eladrin and Gideon,

- Gricko and Gideon, Gricko and Gideon, just Gideon with his now one eye and talking to seemingly nobody. All the while, Kremi is just muttering to himself, looking like he's in a perpetual state of panic over his inability to lie to anyone and that everyone is going to know the truth.

but he eventually centers himself and begins to stare into your eyes. - Oh, that eye is so piercing. I hope you can't see Torbek's horrifying secret birthmark. Torbek feels naked. - What did you roll? - A natural 20.

- Get it! Get it! - Chest X curse what? - Torbjörn super chat. - Stand aside, non-believers. - Even a broken clock is right twice in me. - Oh, this is the best gosh darn I've ever watched. - You watch as the fly clock stares into your soul and you see his iris begin to move.

Lower and lower and lower until it gets to the spot right below your belly button. That hidden spot that no one should be able to see and notice. The tiny little dick that points straight towards your abdomen. That's been there for as long as you can remember. And he blinks. Torbek has won something! I could!

He doesn't see your real penis. It's your birthmark. Yes, well, and also Tormek's penis is 20 inches long. But only the gentleman knows that. Tormek keeps that to himself. I mean, he is seven and a half. And only at rest. You know what's horrible when I'm trying to think of...

I can't.

He's known as Foreback after all.

- Well, that happened. The crowd goes absolutely wild. You watch as the Cyclops gets up. A giant tear begins to spill from his eye as he realizes he's lost every single one of these matches and he stomps off in disgrace. You hear in your head,

Well, you won. Don't forget to come and speak to me, Torbeck. Where is Torbeck meet? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Torbeck, I'm standing right here. Where is Torbeck meeting you? Well, I'm going to have to let Gideon know that I'm busy, but I was thinking we could meet in the big top in the...

very back of the, in the back of the room in the shadows. You know, I know that Torbeck knows that you know Torbeck's name, but Torbeck thinks that maybe we should leave names out of it. Are you asking for my name, or are you telling me not to tell you my name? Or do you want me to give you a fake name? Oh, a fake name makes it more mysterious. Oh, all right. Then my name is...

- Laszlo Grigorovich. - Oh, Laszlo, that's beautiful.

You know, Derek, if you watch this, you said that that DM screen was totally worth it. And that Nick wouldn't do anything from using the Curse of Shroud Dungeon Master screen. Get the shit off, Derek. Get the shit off, Derek. I just got a fucking name from this DM screen. As everyone is cheering, I'll say, oh!

guys, we all won Gideon, we should probably celebrate with like a victory kiss or something, you know? I mean, I'm just joking, I'm just joking, I'm just joking. Unless... Unless... You hear in your head, I'm so sorry to do this, Gideon, but...

but I've come down with an illness and I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. Let's take a rain check. That's okay. It happens to him a little bit. It's called heart sickness. Sometimes they call it love sickness, too. Yeah, okay. All right, well, enjoy the rest of the Witchlight Carnival and good luck at becoming the monarch. Cupcake Chad. Yeah, well, I've already got one crown. I could do with another. Hmm.

And then the call ends. Can we hear what he was saying? Yes. Did she just rain check you again? Yeah. Oh, baby. I'm sure something better will come out. That's so weird.

I mean, it's probably for the best. We've got a lot to do, kid. Oh, man, she looks pretty hot. I mean, she's probably disgusted by your single fleshy eye. What do you mean? Oh, no, it's a beautiful, single, disgusting, fleshy eye. Thank you, Grinco. Come on. Give me a lot of weird compliments, but... His stupid face doesn't make you sick. Hey. Oh, no, it makes me... Oh, the puke just makes me sick. Hey. Hey.

Hey, hey. Hey. Everybody be cool. Imagine losing a girl to Torbeck. What do you mean I lose a girl to Torbeck? Wow. Oh! Single blue eye assigned. Perhaps the beautiful Laszlo...

Just appreciates more hairy, crusty things over Gideon. You know, who can say? I mean, are you telling me that you're meeting up with Lazlo Gregorovitch? Tormek never said that. She's lovesick for you? Tormek didn't say those words. Why would you be talking about furry, scabby, gross, crusty things? Tormek is just speculating.

And it's at this point that a pixie makes her way up to you. I just wanted to say that we only gave out one prize, and all of you won, so...

I was gonna say. I mean, okay, we can split it. I got gold and he got gold, but the two of them haven't gotten gold yet. Well, I remember telling, your gold number was announced, so if you don't remember what it was, then that's probably, that sucks. For you. Your number was 96. Oh, everybody believes in Torbex. This is Torbex Lockheed.

- I hate this part of the carnival. - Your number is 71, I re-rolled for you. - It's okay Gideon, don't worry about it. - So 142 for you. - I believe mine's 192. - Hey Gideon, don't worry about it. You know, actually. - And I need the three of you to roll D8s. - Oh. - Flormac got a six. - Yep. - Seven.

- Four. - You, the pixie moves over to you and begins to paint your face with that magic face paint and draws on your face the likeness of a frog.

that fades into your face very quickly. And you know, you can activate at any point to use the disguise self spell once. - I was getting in this fur and everything. - Disgusting. - But then it disappears. - I'm gonna get the paint on there. - Feels good. - The way you enjoy it. - What did you get, Crammy? - I got a four.

For anybody else, it wouldn't be weird, but somehow. How about you get a five? Because four is the line. Hold on, let me just do my little doo-doo-doo. It's five. You get a replica unicorn horn filled with candy. That's perfect. Can I wear this? If you want to. Does it have a strap on it?

I can put a strap on it. Please. Sure. And she quickly puts a strap on it. Oh my God, this is the greatest day of my life. How do I look, fellas? You look like a murdered woman with a unicorn horn. You look like a damn fool. What do you mean? I look like a unicorn. I think he looks quite sharp. You look like a murdered woman that looks like a unicorn. That looks like a crocodile. Well, first of all, I'm an alligator. Because of unicorn alimony, there's no more.

Mr. Kremi has become the apple of his eye. You know, well said, Torbeck. You know, Gideon, that horn reminds me of the time that Dewdrop Starshine went into the giant's village and no one would face them despite being greedy and liking to eat all

of the pumpkins but she was braver than the rest and more powerful and prettier and this goes on in 61 minutes I say you know what your OC Donut Steel Unicorn Starshine is trash everyone thinks so

Well, I'll have you know, I got 17 kudos on my AO3 fic. And there were three comments that said how they liked how she had different colored eyes. And at the very end, when they said, what's your name? And she said, my name is Dewdrop. Dewdrop Starshine. Why did you ask my name, random old woman? I mean, pony. Random old pony. Hey!

It was very touching. Excuse me. - I hate to break it to you, but when all the accounts are named Chuckles 1, Chuckles 2, Chuckles 3, Chuckles 4, you're not fooling anybody. You went all the way up to Chuckles 16. You got one life. - How did you find that? - And with that, the pixie hands you a cuddly toy spider. As an action, you can stroke the spider to gain the benefit of a spider climb spell that lasts for one hour.

What's the special magical thing for me other than filled with candy? Nothing. Oh. I got the best one, fellas. Best one coming through. It's at this point you'll notice that I have, I can cast the disguise self-spell. I will look like a prettier, attempted prettier version of

of the eladrin woman with bigger boobs yeah with bigger boobs okay uh it's the size of whatever i got cursed with it but bigger well you can be like one foot taller yeah i'm so i'm so short i'm short stack lazlo you're a short shot and just i'm gonna go on as if nothing happened and i'm gonna say oh you're not kidding you

It'll be like really like, like it's also the lips from the handsome, uh... What are you doing? I can't look at you like this. And I also can't not look at you like this. It's because I'm so symmetrical. It's because your proportions are just out of control. Oh no, thank you for noticing. This doesn't awaken something in me. Just give him his gauze knot, you know?

I just want you to know, don't feel bad if you got rejected by Laszlo. She was here eight years ago. Word around the carnival is that she has the clap. It's not so bad. What? And all of a sudden you hear a booming voice. Oh yeah, that's true. Catch the dragon by the tail. Catch the dragon by the tail. Oh God. Catch the dragon by the tail.

I hate my life Catch the dragon by the tail! I guess that's the next one, let's go! Might as well get some tail tonight You know, don't carry yourself out yet, kid There's still time I mean, yeah, don't you... I mean, you know, the world is treated as if she likes dirty, crusty things, so it's not really a surprise, you know? You don't need to worry about her, you know what I mean? That's kind of a compliment, probably

- And I'm still wearing a mouse outfit. So basically it's her in the mouse outfit, taxidermy mouse. - Yeah, you walk up and you see that there is a,

you walk up and you see that there is a booth in front of you. You see that perched on a wooden branch attached to this beautiful red oak is a red fairy dragon who's just looking around at all of you. And next to them, you see a fairy who is dressed all in autumnal colors, sipping from a gourd mug filled with a frothing, like buttery beverage.

And as she looks out at you, she says, "Oh my God, you guys are so cute."

I just love it. Like, do you have like a group performance or something? No, it's guys night. No, it's guys night. It's a sort of a lot of jokes. Guys night. I love guys night. That's ironic. Oh my gosh. You should totes go to the big top because I am telling you, if you performed at the big top, Witchlight Monarch on lock. Like, no joke. Well, we do have to go to the big top extravaganza before the end of the night anyway. Okay, tell me what your names are.

Well, we did already perform at the big top. Oh, you're the cake head. This is a good look for you. Oh, thank you. I love this for you. With the fishnets and the phoenix feathers and the flower crown and the crop top. Do you want me to water that for you? They're starting to droop. I actually need it every hour if you wouldn't mind. Oh, man, if they're starting to droop, allow me to get in. Hold on, I'm going to get out of here that big.

Hey, there's no need to be rude! This guy's mad, this guy's mad! I actually don't say it's ironic. Rewind there. It's a... It's a... Guy's mad! Guy's mad!

- Oh, it's goshknots. - It's goshknots. - Let me help you with the dripping. - Also for what it's worth, Torbeck was wearing fishnecks before Gideon. - I mean, they look really good on you. - Oh, thank you for noticing Torbeck's fishnecks. - I really like the way that paired with those heels, it just like creates such a nice shape for your ass. - Oh, thank you. And I turn around and I bend over a little bit.

I mean, you look so good. Thank you. You look so good. Have you been crying? No. Your eyes are really red and your cheeks are, are you sure? That's just Tormek's face. Do you need someone to talk to? Well, I don't know.

How much time do you have? Oh, I'm gonna be here all night, honey. Graco offered to listen to Torback earlier, but now he seems preoccupied. Yeah, yeah, I'll forget it. We play the game. What's the point of all that ruse? How do we win? But you're like drag performers.

- What? - What? - What? - What? - Me? - No, no, it's-- - No, it's Koshna. - What's the word? - It's all wrong. It's all praise. - What? He said some words. - Oh, so you don't like have fun like names for-- - Oh no, we have fun names. - Of course, I'm gonna be Koshna without fun names. - Have you seen his heels? I mean, look, I'm in like 10 inch heels. - Okay, so what are your names?

Torback's name is Bodacious T. And I'm Taxi Dermy. See my tail? It's a little stupid. I'm Stiletta, obviously. And I'm Fifi Nix. And we all strike the sailor moon.

You are all so cool. You know what? Honestly, I mean, I can't give you a free go because that's totally against the rules, but...

- Why the hell does this woman keep singing? I gotta change my channel. - It's probably related to Tom. - Man, it's probably- - It's Joe Machina, shut up! - Hold on. - You have an ugly singing voice. - Someone keeps messing with my playlist. - Oh. - It's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure it's Shelly from the "Fish in the Bowl" game. You don't wanna play that one. Like who puts goldfish in a plastic bag?

- Haven't gotten rid of that one yet. - You don't wanna play it. - Are they made of gold? - It's inhumane. - Oh, they're just like regular goldfish? - No, they're like regular goldfish. They're in a plastic bag and by the time you put them in like an actual jar, they just die and then you have to flush them down the toilet. - That's actually kinda fucked up. - Yeah, it is. - Yeah, it's a little bit of a bug. - And you're doing it to children. - Should we like grab a tail or something? - Yeah, we could have fun. - Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah, totally. - I mean, gosh. - No one ever comes to this one. - Why? - Why?

- No, no, no, like they walk up, like they're interested and then we talk for a while and then just leaving. - Oh, what a mystery. - Oh, yeah, who's that? - Oh, okay. - Oh, man, we can't believe it. - Anyway, there can only be one winner of this game. So are you all playing at the same time? - Yeah, we're gonna compete. - Okay. - So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna let you in the back and then I'm gonna let loose the red fairy dragon and he's gonna go invisible.

And you're just gonna have to try and find him. Whoever can find him first is the winner. It's like pretty simple. We just gotta look for him? And he's invisible. Yeah. Are there any kind of clues of where he is? I don't know. You just have to perceive him. We'll figure this one out. Is there like the second boss of that Ardenweald dungeon that takes so long? If you don't have heroism slash bloodlust. And higher key levels. Oh, I hate that guy. I'd like to play too.

Play with me. Oh my god. I haven't thought about that boss in forever. With that fucking fox. God damn that fucking fox. Who didn't ruin that fucking fox? Who didn't ruin that goddamn fox? Anyway. Anyway, yes. No, it's kind of like that. All right. Let's do this. I think I might win. I mean, I don't know. I guess I...

- I'm the fastest, the strongest, so I probably lose. This is weird, I don't like feeling like this, fellas. - I'm getting a little depressed. - Yeah, you're never this honest. - Good luck, gentlemen. - All right, well, you know, have a good time. She chews on some gum and blows a bubble, pops it with her finger. Like, you can go in.

All right. Well, cool. Here we go. I do, I love unicorns. Let's go. Oh, yeah, we love unicorns here. Why is there candy melting all over your forehead? Oh, look.

That's gonna make it really difficult for you to find the dragon. The bear dragon. Is there like a lid on the end of the open candy? Oh, jeez. Yeah, just melting all over your head. Trust the dictation at all. Gid, do you want to eat some candy? It's a little melted, but I know that you're... Nah, it's fine. You...

You take it, it's all melted in there, so you're just running your tongue around inside. Yeah, we don't need the tongue in there, dude. We're just getting that clean. It actually makes it easier when it's all melted. It just kind of swoops together and just gobbles it all down. Oh my! Thanks, buddy. Yeah, I'll take a picture. That's pretty black. How do I look?

- I mean, exactly the same as you did before. You just don't have any more candy melting down your forehead. - I'm just gonna go through there. All right, what to do? - I'm your biggest fan, Cake Chad. Like your biggest fan. - Oh, it's a shame you're so ugly. Okay, let's go.

So rude. What's your damage? I mean, I'm just being honest. I mean, it's like some people just can't handle it. You know, everyone's an idiot except for me. Who hurt you? You know, do you need a shot? I mean, you know, no, no, it's guys. No, none of us are hurt. None of us have childhood issues. Speak for yourself. No, no, it's guys that actually ignore

all of my feelings and drown it in a hedonistic frivolity. - Well, that part's true. I don't know what's going on with my friend, but if you would like-- - So for one, hold on, hot stuff, okay? For one, it sounds like you need a shot. Two, you're being a total bitch right now, Becky, and I'm not here for it. And three, just like fuck you, okay? - Well, I'm gonna catch a fan right now.

- Well, are you gonna be nice? - Yes, I'm very sorry. There's a lot of high stakes. There's a lot to lose. - Okay. - Okay. - 'Cause I totally didn't do anything to you. - Okay, Smanky. - All right? Don't call me that. That's not my name. - I don't know what your name is. Oh! Oh!

Andre Zoranovic! Oh, Igor! Igor, very nice to meet you! It's Bogan Barthos, but my friends just call me Bo. Oh, hey Bo. I'm very sorry, I just, you know, I feel like it's just... You know when they say the outside tricks the inside, you know, in comedy? Anyway, I'm going to drop back to myself. I don't mind, dear friend. LAUGHTER

Anyway, can you just go do the game? Yeah, we're gonna do the game. This is like really bumming me out right now. Goodbye. Bye. I'll be back. I'll see you later, cake tab. Yeah, I'll sign an autograph for her. Oh my God, are you all right? Just a bit of indigestion.

Oh, do you want like an antacid tablet or something? I have one in my purse. No, it's fine. Thank you. Tormek is fine. I get acid indigestion when I'm on my period. Do you need a tampon? No, Tormek doesn't know what to do with that. I mean, I don't know if it'd be weird, but like I can help you. Okay. Tormek's sexual education was severely lacking in public school. Let's head into the next chapter.

Let's head into this seedy den and chase the dragon, all right? Come on. Oh, he did a supermolony. Let us go.

And you make your way in. And you are now in a very dark room. The light is incredibly low. You hear just the sounds of the carnival erupting outside of the room. And you wait. You eventually hear what sounds like a door opening or a latch opening up. And you feel the change in the wind as very clearly this fairy dragon has made its way into the room. You see it for just a...

tiny second before it disappears. And you listen. You listen for the sound of flapping wings, for the movement of wind, for any changes that would give you any clue as to where this fairy dragon may be. I need you all to roll perception checks for me, please. Uh-oh. Oh. Tormek got a three. Oh.

12. 20. 21. 21. Whoa! Gricko. Crummy. I'm going to twist. Okay. I do 100, please. Oh, boy. 12. You forget about that, don't you? Okay, let's see what I get. 15. I can get the low ones. Okay.

You're being fo- you believe you are being followed around by a corpse. Jesus! I mean, hopefully I am. Uh, where's the food? Uncle Globo?

Is that you? Ah! Ah! What's wrong? Ah! Ah! Ah!

I'm so crazy. I'm so concerned for Graco's health. And I just am screaming and running away. What did you get for your

- I lower. - Okay, the both of you do actually see just for a second movement on the air and you chase after it, but you bump into each other and you lose it. I need you both to roll another perception check. - Would I be able to cast a spell? - Yeah. - Would I be able to cast a spell? - Yeah. - Would I be able to cast? - Sure. - I'm gonna be able to cast.

I'm sorry I'll say all those mean things about you and you you goblin chivvintiv. I would like to wherever I think the fairy dragon is going I would like to minor illusion like a very faint fairy dragon going the other way to try to get Gricko off the trail. Okay roll a deception check.

I'll roll an insult check of disadvantage because I'm being... You did my chlorbo. I mean, you can roll it straight. Okay. None of it was very good. I'm going to twist it. Okay, give me a d100. Insight is... 13. 98. Ooh, that's a good one. 13. What do you got, Rich? Would attempting to mislead him in this manner count as lying? No.

No, because I would say lying requires words for the sake of this prompt. I think that makes sense. Okay. So he is attempting to deceive. Like libel. Like slander and libel. What's six plus seven? Thirteen? Mm-hmm. You got a thirteen. I got a thirteen. How does that work? What did you get? I got a thirteen. Oh, it's meet or beat.

I have to meet it. Yeah, and so if you got a 13, you meet it and you are not... Well, when it's a contest... So it's the current state. I'm currently not fooled. The current state. Yes, I'm not fooled. Correct. But it... So what I'm going to do is I will... You can always choose to be fooled.

Well, regardless, I think you will hear a, you'll see the flash of blue primal spirits as you'll hear two howling dog voices as this almost like fiery, molten, two-headed Cerberus-type dog blasts a bit of spectral flame and I cast Faerie Fire.

Just in a huge radius. Wherever I see both the illusion and wherever. There's a huge blast of flame to use fairy fire. Needs to make a dex save, right? Yes. I got a 98. I don't know if you... Yeah, I need you to roll again. Oh, natural 20. 84. Thank you. How old are you? I don't know, man.

39, 42, roughly. Well, let's do 42. You're now 84. Wait, like actually? Yeah, his age, your age doubles. Mr. Kremi, no! Uncle Kremi! Get him!

I'm on 10 inch heel I immediately break both my ankles oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Uncle Globo? Are you gonna help me? Get in the fucking elevator! What's happening? I don't know, they're just going crazy. Well, Krim is turning into an old alligator, so he's not going crazy. He's getting old. Fucking lit! Help!

Grumman, come here. Come here. Get up here. Take these heels off. You can't wear those. You got the bone dexterity of nothing. Get me up. Of dust. Yeah, come on up here. I knew I'd pay you for a reason. You don't pay me. Put me on the feet. You broke both your ankles. You can't stand me. You put him on his feet and they immediately pinned him. Oh, please.

Does Mr. Kremi want his favorite co-workers help? Torbjörn is here. Don't worry. I hate everything about you.

No, Mr. Krimmy, you don't mean that! Do every word, Mr. Krimmy! I hate everything about you! More than I hate getting disgusted in one eye, boy! What? Krimmy! My eye? Your eye's disgusted and I hate looking at you! What?

This is horrible. Finally someone talks some sense. Oh, God. You're a terrible old person. You know that? Guy's night is tearing us apart!

told me you disgust me you already said that Mr. Kram you told me to keep twisting the knife I guess you're technically correct I guess

Leave me, fellas. Leave me on the ground. No, we're not leaving you here, all right? This is like the Hall of Illusions. We're going to get out of here to probably wear off. My legs are broken. Yeah, we'll get some string. We'll tie it to my back or something. Stiletto. It's not done in by her stilettos. I guess that is ironic.

Don't you think? You know, fellas, I think we need to be honest with ourselves. Guys, it's not ironic. laughter laughter

You know what's nice about being 84 years old? You have no filter. And I can't tell a lie. So please leave me in the mud. Let me die in peace. Even after all the horrible things you said to Torbeck, Torbeck can't leave Mr. Crammy.

Gideon, it would be such a shame if old man Kremi had an accident. Wouldn't it? Think about all of the times he's used you for your muscles alone to rough up and to kill and manslaughter and cripple and maim and beat up.

and punch in the kidney and intimidate and extort and blackmail

All of the things that you've done are all on Kremi's hands, all that blood and crime. Now's your chance, Gideon. You know, you're not so bad when we just reminisce about the good times. So who out of the two of you had the highest on the second roll? Do we have a roll? His ankles are crying. Uncle Cuba, I'm sorry!

I'm certainly losing. It's terrible what they did to you. What'd you get, Gryffindor? I got a four natural eight. I think a natural one would still tie me. Oh, yeah. You both got eights? No, no, no. I got an 11. Oh. You...

As you turn and you stare at the shambling corpse of Uncle Glorbo as it makes its way towards you, you realize that just over its head is the fairy dragon, its wings flapping, causing the dead, decaying flesh of Uncle Glorbo to blow in the wind. - Save me, fairy dragon! - You reach out and you grab it, winning,

Grab the tail of the dragon, whatever the fuck this game is. And all the lights immediately come on. You find yourselves in the middle of this room. Your ankles are broken. You are old and decrepit. You cannot tell a lie. A shambling corpse is following you this way or that. The screaming sounds of Chuckles the Clown are reverberating in your ears as your one eye is having a hard time adjusting to the change in light so quickly. And you are just...

your natural disgusting self. As...

And you, the worst of all, are poor Beck. It's an unending curse. Every day is a living hell. Everything is an improvement for Kermit. As the woman makes her way in, carrying your prize, and with it, a note.

Yeah, it looks like while you guys were in here doing whatever you were doing, Mr. Witch sent you a message. So you should probably read it. And that's where we'll end the session.

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