Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 51 | Candyland
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What a do! Welcome to Legends of Avantris. My name is Kremla Kru, and you are listening to Once Upon a Witch Life. Here's what happened last time. If you'll agree to a drink among friends, we'll talk. Morning mist makes you more susceptible to the magics in the Feywild.

things are probably gonna get crazy soon. And if I can get the getaway gang out of Thither and at least into Yarn, then maybe we would be able to survive or find a way to get home. Squirt can't really help with anything because you gotta fill him with bobble oil. And when Squirt does things, well, he squirts. And so there's... Okay, you pervert. Okay, he's an oil can. Your man is inspired.

- Do you know where they're being kept? - Yeah, in the workshop. - Is that near where the oil is? - That's gonna be a little bit complicated. You're all going to go to the Goblin Market. You're gonna pretend like you're travelers, purchase some sweets, arrange for a meeting with the hag. During the meeting, all of the kids will alert the screaming scarecrows, and they're gonna lure the 10 soldiers into the garden, okay? While that's happening,

While everyone is distracted, you guys are going to go to the workshop and free the captives. I'm going to climb into the textile mill and free the captives that are there. Once all the children are set free, everyone will run back to work. We're very good at plans like this. I'm sure we'll remember everything that happened. Three stalls selling candy are situated in this clearing, lit by windows carved into the giant fallen tree to one side of it. Taps on the side of his candy apple head.

And you hear him say, "I don't have time to listen to you right now, you stupid thing! Damn maggot! Get out of there! Get out of there!" You are all standing outside a fallen oak tree, larger than any oak tree you've ever seen in your entire life. You know this place to be Loon Larch, the home of Scabatha Nightshade, Granny Nightshade. And it is here

In the darkness beneath the canopy of these massive trees that surround you, that you find yourself this day.

just previously spent the night under the boughs of a triad, one that housed a group of rambunctious children, all of them having escaped from this place, all of them returning to this place today in one valiant attempt to free the rest of the children that have been imprisoned here.

that have been captured and made to do the labor and work for this awful hag. A hag whose past are familiar with, that you've learned. You know the darkness that lurks within this place, but where you stand now, it feels almost peaceful. The soft wind rustles the leaves around you and cools your skin.

The darkness isn't fully dark. Even though it's morning, it feels almost like twilight. And the lightning bugs that zip around you illuminate this space in a warm and cozy glow. The light that emanates from inside of this fallen tree warms up the entire area of what is known to you as the Goblin Market.

And it's here that you stand, looking at three stalls. One canopied in blue, one in green, one in red, both of them manned by goblins. None of them seem to be paying too much attention to you, all but one. A goblin stands in front of you, wearing a tunic of green, orange and green striped pants, and atop

His goblinoid head is what is clearly a candy apple. Looking at him, it is not the image that you would expect from a scarecrow. This is not a candy apple helmet. But his head has actually been transformed into a candy apple helmet.

The eyes recessed in, you can see the pale meat of the apple itself as the candied coating drips down his face. All the while he's smacking his head, seeming very confused and distracted, even though he attempts to speak to all of you, as he calls out to the maggot in his head and tells it to quiet itself.

he takes a moment and you can see that he's focusing really hard on something for a minute before he looks up at you and a smile forms on his face.

Welcome to the Goblin Market. I'm so sorry for my outburst. How can we help you? Are you looking for delicious delicacies? A meeting with our lovely hostess, Scabitha Nightshade? Or simply a lovely walk through the beautiful gardens outside Loom Lurch? How can I help you? I am Chucklehead. I'm literally not making it up. Now that's his name. Okay?

How's Gary react to that? Well, shucks! What a clown name! Now, now, hold on, hold on. The name's Chucklehead. Are you associated or themed around clowns in any way? No, and you can just call me Chuck. Chuck. He's all right. We can do it. Yeah. How about like Charles? It's short for Chucklehead. How about like Charles or Charlie? Just keep it totally away from chuckles in any way, shape, or form. Yeah, if you like.

Alright Charlie, what do you think? One caramel apple please. You see his face kind of fall a little bit in sadness as he looks over towards the blue candied wagon. You can make your way over there if you want candied apples. Oh, what the fuck are you selling then?

Oh, I'm the manager here. I oversee the goblin markets to make sure that everything's alright. Oh. I make sure that they're fully stocked, make sure none of the children have escaped, to make sure that the toy soldiers are doing their patrols to set up any meetings with Gabbath and Nightshade and to make sure the children haven't escaped. Wow! All of that sounds really important. It really is, and I'm the only goblin that can do it here. I...

It may not look like it to you, but I am a goblin. A horrible curse befell me. Oh my god! What's wrong with you? Affirmative! Excuse me, that is very... that is not nice. Well, but it's true! You got a little something going on here. I am currently dripping melted candy. I do understand that to be the case.

- From your face. You understand that? - From the entirety of my head. - Greco, you can't just go around asking people what's wrong with their faces! - He turns around to show you that the candy's also dripping down the back of his head. - Is his shoulder slumpy? He looks defeated.

You see him hit on his head and the candy strings from his head to his fingers. I told you to shut up. Oh. Well, uh. Do you see the maggot? No. Do you have voices in your head too? No, I have a capricious little voice.

insectoid creature, a bug creature, I don't know, a worm. I don't know what you'd call it. He's in my head. And he's currently eating what's in there. I'll be dead in a month tops. So... This just keeps getting more

Wait, are you saying that you're cursed to have a rotten apple head where it's going to be slowly eaten by a worm? Excuse me, it ain't rotten presently. I mean, it's infected with a worm. I didn't put it in there. Who did? She cursed me. Can you say her name?

I would prefer not to. Do you want to buy candy or are you here to- Does all the candy have worms in it? You can get candy with worms in it if you want. No, thanks. We're here on important business. Oh, yeah, because Mike was standing when he DM'd, huh? It's Mike adjustment time. Torbex, can I do the same thing?

I'll get lucky and use a little bit of a mark adjustment too. Take care of that real quick. There we go, fella. What do you think? Anyway. We would love some candy. And if you're taking meetings with Scavifer, that's exactly what we're looking for.

Well, I could definitely set up a meeting for you. What is the nature of your business? Wart removal? Resurrection of a long dead loved one? Just let her know that... Acquisition of land? Just let her know that we have some dirt on our sisters. All right, sure. I could probably pencil you in for sometime next week for a meeting of that nature.

Well, uh... You see he opens up a small little notebook that is bound in these beautiful purple and green leaves. And inside you see mottled paper that is pressed with different flowers and fungi and things. And he begins to start scratching some notes in there. And what did you say your name was? The name's Kremla Kru. How do you spell that? Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez.

You don't have any cremmies in the Feywild? Oh, I can spell the cremmy. You don't have any crews in the Feywild? Oh, I can spell crew. It's the love part. Oh, it's a L-E. Oh, all right. I was going to write A. I try to look in the book.

I want to see if there's actually writings and appointments in there, or if he's just bullshitting us. Okay. Roll a perception check. Ooh, we played D&D. Sly. Also, Torbjorn is nosy. Sly Cooper! Oh, that's a 17 with a plus five perception is going to be a 23. You look in and you see that there are notes that say,

let's say names and reasons for business and what he is, what time frame he's giving. But you also see that dispersed between them are little bits of scribbling where it seems that he is responding to the bug in his head and that he is distracted and writing down responses or the things that it's saying to him.

between all of these things. Next to yours, you see that he very clearly spelled "Cremie" and "Crew" incorrectly. And he also spelled the "le" L-A. Yeah, "Cremie La Creux." And next to it, he puts "Dirt on the Sisters," "Skabatha out until evening," already a more important meaning.

Oh! This guy takes good notes. Wait, you don't have anything sooner? I mean, this is important business.

It may be important business to you, but there are many that come with dirt on her sisters. If you had the head of a sister or if you had something valuable that one of the sisters was longing to own. If you had something of that nature, that would be one thing. She's out for the day. She's actually in Yawn presently. Oh, okay.

We currently have another patron that is here who came before you first come first serve with menial tasks, menial business. And so as yours does not rank higher than hers, she is currently in the parlor waiting. And then it's really up to Granny Nightshade whether she's willing to take anyone for the rest of the week. But last I heard, she's got a lot of toy making to do, so...

Krammy, why don't you show them the thing we got, man? What, you mean like the spool? The silver spool? No, man, I was thinking, you know, like Whale's Dagger. I'm sorry, did I hear you say "Will"? No. Are you friends of that rapscallion? Nope. No, we're actually hunting him for the bounty. No, he said Whale's Dagger. Oh, that's exactly right. Like Whale. Yes.

That is my mistake. He's in my ear right now. You're half rotten right in the ear. Do you mind if we have one second? Just amongst ourselves. Take your time. I'm going to head over here, sit on this stump, argue with my fella. Well, while you discuss, I think I might use the jelly beans. Hold on, Phil!

Frost disappears. And he is not here for the remainder of the set. You don't know where he went. And it's the crazy magic of the Feywild that all of a sudden he's just gone. Frost right-clicked Gricka's window painting the set to follow. No, that's not what he did.

I was going to say, we actually watch him Benjamin Button all the way through Baby and then Banish. They even have the stuff. It's so strange how it happens, but just all of a sudden he's gone. Yeah. And so-- Oh, we love that. Alas, earwax. So this goblin, you hear him mumbling to himself as he's talking to the creature in his head as he goes and takes a seat.

on a large carved out stump that functions like a, it almost looks like a small throne that he's clearly made for himself to sit and watch over the goblin market. He allows you free reign of this place while you decide that you want to talk amongst yourselves. You can see that the goblins in each one of these stalls seem to be very busy.

and there is a, they are unpacking and filling up the different shelves with candy. You can see that there are children that keep leaving Loom Lurch and scuttling towards the back of these market areas with baskets full of different treats and the goblins are working directly with them to get everything stocked. You see a little sign on

the red wagon that says one treat, one trinket, and that there's a little bowl where you can put the trinkets. You don't even have to interact with the goblin should you choose not to. You can simply take what you would like, place a trinket in payment, and sample all of the things that you would like to try. And this feels fairly private, and it feels...

It feels fairly cozy. You imagine that you do have a significant amount of privacy to be able to talk amongst yourself in whatever way you need to. And Frost is gone, by the way. Damn, he's just disappeared. I was going to ask Frost to remind me what our fucking plan was. Move the Ligurids, guys! Fantastic!

I mean, what the hell, Frosty? I believe we were sent to create a distraction. That's what I'm remembering, but I remember the dagger, but I was going to keep that. Because it's been a while,

Thank you. The entire purpose of you being here is to help Will rescue the children. Yes. You also have tasks of your own. So his plan for rescuing the children was you'd come to the Goblin Market, find some way to gain audience with Skabatha. So that way, while they're executing their plan to cause a distraction and rescue the children outside of Loom Lurch,

You could distract Scabatha so she doesn't know what's going on and then find a way to sneak deeper into Loom Lurch and rescue the children that are in the workshops inside. Will would then meet you inside and help with that while the rest of the kids were going back to their camp. You know that you also need to make your way to her study or whatever room she would keep the paintings in because you have a deal with Bavorna. And so you need to steal some paintings for her.

So they're going to handle the distraction? They're handling the distractions outside. You will be responsible for everything inside. We've got a tank scabbard, though. I see. So basically this entire place is run by child labor. Sacrifices kids. And so I-- in my head, does it--

At least for me, I was thinking that I would keep secret that we had that until we're in the room with Scabatha, so not to get them on edge about kids. That was what Will had explained to you, is that at its worst, not at its worst, if things got bad when you were talking with Scabatha, you could show her that.

I would say you would imagine that showing that to Chuck, to Charles, to Charlie, isn't going to do much for you. Because he doesn't understand the nature of these things. Scabatha is going to be the person that will pay more attention to that piece of cloth. It seems like the...

your tactic to gain audience isn't good enough, so you might have to try and figure out something else you think that she might like, or, you know, ask questions and manipulate him to figure out how to get in there. - Torbjorn was also thinking about the spool. But Torbjorn's keeping it safe, and Torbjorn isn't sure that we should

reveal that we have the spool. It might work to get us an audience with her, but then she'll know that we were there with her sister.

I mean, that's a good point. I mean, did we even still have the spool? Or did the King of Hearts take it? Dormek's got it! Oh, you have it. All right. Okay. It's in Dormek's filthy sack! It feels like it's been two months, you know what I mean? Next to Dormek's filthy sack! That's the best piece to put it, Dormek. You think if we show this guy the spool, I mean, he's going to have any freaking clue what that is? No!

Seems like he's got a... He won't, but Scabitha will. But either way, Tormek doesn't think it's the best plan. Just an option. Why do you think that she's so keen on child labor? I feel like kids are really shitty at all sorts of... They suck. Yeah, but their little fingers can get deep into details.

into dangerous machinery where big hands can't get! Oh, that's very valid! That's pretty fun! We can crawl into small crawl spaces, I guess. If you actually know your art, that makes sense. You know, trial casino I'll get, but this whole operation seems a little

You advised. That makes sense. I mean, get how many times were there, you know, carnival rides and stuff where you couldn't get your big paws in there. We should have just hired kids to do it. Yeah. I mean, we just had Torbjörn figure it out and that worked.

I don't know, like none of the time. And now, Tormek has crazy weird fliers. Oh, man, if you've gone through your horrible torture before, man, we want to run the best carnival anyone's ever seen. Tormek's like a Swiss Army knife now. Well, get him a stretcher. Armstrong.

You're gonna get the opposite of inspiration very soon. Frost continuously rips in and out of my hand. Frost isn't here. What was that? While we're talking, you will slowly notice that Torbek is inching ever so slightly farther and farther away from the group towards the trinket bowl to leave a trinket and take a treat. Okay, what trinket are you leaving? My hourglass with no sand.

He looks at it and he has this awful feeling when he looks at it, remembering the time that we encountered that horrific creature. And doesn't want to keep it anymore. And thinks that getting rid of it for free candy is a very good deal. So I will drop the hourglass with no sand into the bowl and take a treat of my choice, I suppose. - Yeah, you walk up to the green stall, the one in the middle.

and you place the hourglass into the bowl and you see that the wall of candy that has been erected in this stall shimmers magically and you realize that there had been a magical barrier protecting this. You couldn't just come up and take what you wanted. - Oh, never. - But you've placed the trinket there and now there is a plethora of candy for you to choose from. You see all sorts of, and this one, disgusting candies.

You see beetles encased in hard candy. You see lollipops made from compacted ants. You see jellied worms. But you also see a handful of what look like really delicious candies. This

strange butterfly lollipop that looks like it's made out of tiny little tiny bubbles all fused together. You see that some of them pop and a soft pink hue emanates from it and it smells like cotton candy but like the most intense cotton candy you've ever smelled in your life. You see small little what look like blue bells but are clearly

like a hardened sugar. And they, when the light hits them, you can see these tiny veins running through them like you would on a real bluebell when the light hits it. But it looks like it almost flows with this delicious nectar. And there are tons of candies here for you to choose from. Torbjörn will go through the ones that look gross and be like, Torbjörn's had enough bombs, ladies.

and take the butterfly wand. It looks delightful. And hoping that nobody basically noticed, you know, even though he's just trying to be, like, sneaky, but not really. He'll, like, sneak back over with the butterfly wand pop and be, like, enjoying it. So now I... Oh, how is that tool, Mick? This? Yeah. How is it?

It's absolutely delicious. When it hits your tongue, it almost evaporates for a second. And then your tongue is... The entirety of your tongue is consumed with this sweetness, this flavor that you've never tasted before. It is almost milky and sugary at the same time, but light and airy. And as you...

As you continue to lick at this butterfly lolly, you feel giggly. Uh, well, Graco, Torbjörn doesn't want to overstate or hype up the candy too much.

This briefly made Torbek forget that he's a hideous, depressed monster that has voices in the back of his head for just an instant, and perhaps Torbek finally understands the meaning of happiness. Wow, that's really strong stuff. I will pull out a little rock that floats and can be a floating rock. Are you going to get in the bowl?

and I will try to put it in the bowl. It floats just above the bowl and just hovers there. Ah, fuck! Oh, I have a lute. That makes the bowl. It's tiny, it's a tiny wooden lute with cat hair strings. That's great.

It's a funny candy because had you not said that I wouldn't even thought about it. It clangs as the tiny wooden loot falls into the bowl. The wooden loot falls into the bowl and you watch as the barrier shimmers and the candy appears for you. I'll take whatever, so,

Mikey, in his heart of hearts, king of hearts, wants a Flintstones push pop. But if they don't have a Flintstones push pop, I can roll forward or just grab something. You pull out the unicorn's push pop.

and it is a tubular frosted candy, and it shimmers in a beautiful pale, pale blue and white. It looks like it is covered in glitter, and as you turn the base of it, the unicorn horn slowly climbs out of it.

as you take your first bite of it. You see that the inside is filled with swirling rainbows of color. You feel warm on the inside. With every lick and bite of this thing, it feels like a winter's fire has been kindled inside of your soul. Yeah, but have a damn, that's good. Take the scenic ride to get to that joke.

I'm one of those. They're better than one. I'm going to walk up to it and I'm going to look through all my bag of shit and I'm going to pull out one of Frost's fingernails that I have. When they all fell out. And I'm going to put it in the trinket bowl. It seems to accept it and you are able to grab one of the unicorn pushpops. Oh my god. Same flavor as his?

Mmm. This is one of the greatest things I've ever tasted in my life. It's very nice and light. Geert, when we open the carnival back up, maybe a new concession idea? Well, I think the concessions look, uh, mighty good, but I'm not supporting the commerce of any kind of goblin market. And that's because I have morals, not because I've forgotten any of the trinkets. Whoa! Get in there!

What do you mean? They're selling bugs and you're using kids to make candy. This one's not even a bug. I don't think it has bugs in it. Well, you haven't gotten to the center yet. I mean, it's got one candy. It's always got bugs in it. And if those kids made this candy, they have a real talent.

Look, let me get you something. I'm going to walk up and I'm going to take one of Gricko's teeth that I have and I'm going to put it in the bowl. Okay, you do that and the bowl seems to accept it happily. And I'm looking for the equivalent of a warhead. Okay. You see

If they have that. Anything like spicy or sour. You see a small red candy. It is shaped like a little bomb. Oh, that's cool. And you pick it up and it feels warm in your hand. The coating around the outside is almost glittery, as if this thing had been held by the, had been held by the, why can't I figure out what that word is called?

Fuse? The fuse, thank you. Held by the fuse and dipped into a glitter bag. Like rock candy. And you hold onto this and you see that there's a small little tag on the side that says, "Light the fuse for the most fun." All right, kid, look. Now you didn't support it, I did, here you go. Cramp me, I said I have morals, all right?

But not when Katie's free! Read the tag. A little flame erupts onto the fuse as it starts to trick down. You open your mouth and pop it in. You immediately taste this delicious smoky flavor.

and interspersed with these bits of sweetness as all of a sudden, you see smoke erupt out of Gideon's nose and ears and the sides of his mouth. Inside of your mouth, you feel the crackling explosion of essentially pop rocks as this goes from sweet and smoky to fiery and hot. This is the spiciest candy you have ever tasted in your life.

Is it good? Oh, I am! I damn did it! Oh, man! We gotta take some notes. These goblin kids are on to something.

Okay, I'm gonna go throw a few more teeth and fingernails in there. Yeah, come on! I'm gonna just take a few for research later. I mean, for research purposes. We gotta understand what we're doing. I have a bunch of trinkets. Well, the bowl and the cup, I'm keeping. But I'll take this Varnish Displacer Beast off. I don't think I've given that away yet, right?

Okay. I'll throw it in the bowl. I don't think I'm giving that away. And Mikey really wants Shark Bites fruit snacks. Oh my god. That's a blast. Whatever, Gricko. Mikey's really feeling that. If they don't have that, if they don't have Shark Bites, Shark-save-disordered fruit snacks. You look around and you begin to see that there is some semblance of

organization to this. And you realize that certain things seem to be certain areas, in certain areas, and you do find a small section, um, of, of this stall where there is a Court of Coral themed candy section. You see beautiful, um,

coral lollipops that seem to be made out of crystallized sugar to form the shapes of beautiful pieces of coral in varying colors. But one of the things that catches your eye here is what looks to be a jelly fishbowl.

It jiggles a little bit, and inside of it you see one shark swimming around and around inside of this thing. You reach in and you pick it up, and it jiggles in your hands, and as you're looking into it, you see that there are all of the standard aquarium fare in here. You see a little treasure chest, and you see fronds of...

of seaweed and ocean plant life all in their gelatinous candy form. But that one little shark, it seems to be a little more dense than the rest as it swims around in this. You see bubbles billowing up from the bottom. And as they pop, you can smell the sea salt.

That's what you find. Guys, I know that child labor is bad and all, but this candy's really cool. I own them kids' place in the neighborhood.

A wise man once said the only thing better than child labor candy is free candy. Oh gosh, this is delicious. As you put it up to your mouth, the shark jumps out, attaches to your nose and bites.

It's like a pinch. It's a gummy bite. It's a gummy bite, it's a pinch. But you watch as this shark is attached to Gricko's nose and it's just wiggling this way and that. It looks like it's trying to be ferocious, but it's quite cute. And you imagine you just have to pull it off and plop it in your mouth and eat it. Biting into it, it is a different sweetness than the other candy that you had. This is much more

This is much more subdued, and there is a bite of sea salt with every chew. You devour the gummy shark and its little gelatinous bowl, and you feel candy-fied. It's delicious!

I mean, we still collected the whole family, but you know. We should take some notes when we reopen a carnival. We could have a whole confection factory. I want to go up to the bowl and take all of the teeth and fingernails that I got from Graco and Frall's and just dump them in the bowl and try to get one of each. And just try to, you know, if it'll let me.

You put a ton of things in this bowl, and you imagine that it normally accepts one dumpage as one exchange, but for the sake of, it's the new year, and good karma. I have to do my dumpage, guys. Yes, a dumpage, I'm sorry. Oh, man. Did I hear you? No. Oh, I did my dumpage!

No, shut down this room. I'm really sure that we want to go up into the new year. What a waste. It's only a tenth. So soon. My new year's resolution is ruined. So much for New Adult January.

Oh no. That dumpage, Jannine. Think about the words you used, DM. Reminisce. Just one extra second. One extra second will save you a lot of energy. Wow. You pour your dumpage into the bowl and it gets you a plethora of candy.

you are able to pull about, I would say, 30 pieces of candy. Yeah, basically as many different kinds as I can pull. A wide array. A wide array. Or variety. That's, yes. Don't Google voray, I'm sure that's-- I'm sure that's a nightmare. Or dumpage. Or dumpage. I'll put it all in my pack. I want to take an extra of the unicorn push pops and an extra of the bomb,

And I want to check later at some point to see if it starts melting, but for now, I'll have one of each. Okay. All right, so I mean, wait, all we have to do is get an audience with Skabathel, right? I need you to all roll a d8, please. Oh, Mike, can you roll two d8s? Back on track. Double seven. Hold on, hold on. I got a five. I got a three. Seven, two. Four. Okay, thank you. Um...

Okay, if all we need to do is gain audience, then the kids are gonna handle the rest. Well, that's only like the first half. Then we have a pretty difficult choice to make. Which is? Torbek is no brainer. Normally this would be Frost's territory, but Torbek doesn't see how we can possibly save those kids.

steal a painting or three. You watch as Gricko's size doubles. Oh! This shoots up. Actually, no, he's just kind of like normal man height. He just becomes a normal, yeah, he's like six feet tall. He goes from here to here. I'm six-four and I'm low for you to do this! Look at you, Gricko, painting on camera.

Slightly less little green. Like normal green. Yeah, kind of like average height green. Yeah, ain't nothing to write home about. Green. Simultaneously as you say this, you're looking down at Graco Torbek as you are reduced in size by half.

You slowly start to shrink and shrink and shrink. Whoa! Your eyes meet and then you're looking up at Gricko instead of looking down at him. I should have known. This is a funny day. Whoa! Torbek isn't doing this to himself. Torbek is like...

Mini-Torbeck! Is this what it always looks like for Gringo? Yeah, how does it feel? Oh my god! How does it feel, Torbeck? I like get up. Oh god, what's gonna happen to me? What's gonna happen to me? I look at you and I say...

I really wasn't too bad until you kicked Torbeck. Torbeck didn't have to kick Graco. What was that for? Yeah, look how tiny you are. I will attempt to pick up Torbeck and just throw him. I don't like trying to get away. I just like... I just sailed through the goblin-like market.

You hit a couple of stumps. You hit a small ring of mushrooms and completely obliterate them. You land up against the stall and the stall shakes. A couple pieces of candy fall but magically reappear back where they were supposed to be. Two of the goblins look over and stare at you and shake their head, but they don't attempt to get involved. And as this is happening, Gideon, you reach out and grab Crummy's shoulder.

Once again, looking at these idiots as you watch them engage in whatever they're doing, you look down at his hand and you see that where his hand is, there are now questionable stains.

That's it. Everything you touch leaves questionable stains. Well, look at these fools, man. Oh, just so wacky. What the fuck? What, man? Trying to stain my suit? No, I'm not trying to stain your suit. What are all over your hands? Well, I mean, maybe it's covered in candy. I don't know. I've never seen anything like this happen before. I swear. Let's get it out. Does it come out? Is it coming out? Oh! Get it.

Are you fucking kidding me? What, man? That's clearly cinnamon. When am I gonna get a suit this nice in the Feywild? It definitely doesn't look like cinnamon. There's no way that has ruined. It's clearly cinnamon. What is this? What the fuck?

What color is it? It doesn't necessarily have a color. It just kind of darkened your suit. It's kind of splotchy. Crusty. Crusty. It smells a little like Pennsylvania. It smells like Pennsylvania in the spring. Oh, there's

- There's a little bit of hardness to it. You imagine if you tried to move it, you might crack your coat. - Look, Kremi, let me see it, man. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

Whoa, man, look at that! Your head's gigantic! Let me help you! Oh my god! Wait, here, here, fix your head! You watch his stains appear all over Krabby's hat and his face. From about 15 feet away, as Torbek is getting up and brushing himself off, he looks at Dane and goes, Torbek is 100% sure that that's not cinnamon. Oh!

Oh my god. You guys got a bunch of cool stuff. Cool? Gregor threw me a tourniquet across the market! Oh gosh, is this how it feels all the time, guys? It's hard to understand what Gregor says in this moment as he begins foaming at the mouth.

My dating app is blowing up. I got messages from girls from Goblin High School. I got a little kitchen app. This is... This is...

This isn't good, guys! The height's gone directly to Gregor's head! He's becoming a monster! This is how I was meant to live! Alright, this is probably gonna wear off eventually, right?

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no. Here, man. Straighten up. Straighten up, all right? Oh, my God. This is not pleasant. What is going on? Hey, let me see that thing. What are you looking at? Here, give it here. Give it here. Oh, no. Smells like trees in Pennsylvania. That's disgusting. Why are you smelling it? SpongeBob.

Well, this is ruined. I'll go throw it in the drinking bucket. That's your hand. Who has a cleaver? Did my hat grow in size at all, or is it just my head? Oh no, your hat grew in size too. You look like a bobblehead. You look like the 007 giant head kid. Oh my god.

I hope this shrinks back down. Otherwise my hat's ruined too! Well, these things are-- I mean, it already looks pretty ruined. Gideon touched it when he was trying to right your head and you see these questions stains all over your hat. Listen man, the hat looks perfect, all right? Just don't take your mirror out, all right? Just don't take your mirror out. Okay, all I know is why. I take my jacket off so I stop smelling it. Oh, you wrap it up.

And I put it in my bag. All right. Stay at least five feet away from me, all right? All right, man. I don't need any more stains. I got to say, guys, I don't think they're letting us in to see Scabitha with what we got going on. Well, that also raises the other issue with our plan.

We're on a time crunch and there's someone ahead of us. We either come up with something more important than one other meaningless thing they have or we have to deal with them.

What if we just ask this guy to use the bathroom or something? He lets us in. I'm like, hey, where's Kevin's bathroom? All four of us at the same time. What's he gonna think, Gideon? How's he gonna stop us?

That was exactly my-- Oh, god. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck god! I'm trying to walk with it as my head starts to go. I'm just going to stay down here, guys, until this wears off. Imagine being misproportioned. So anyway-- I'm going to go see if there's any lady goblins. All of my jokes are suddenly funny.

We've completely lost him. This is awful. Griggo is a monster now.

No one told Torbjörn that Torbjörn could act like this when he was that tall. In fact, Torbjörn is taller than Griggo, even bigger than normal Griggo. I don't think it has the same effect, Torbjörn, I'm sorry to say. Okay. Maybe if you hit the gym and got a haircut, you know, you could try that. Noted. Look, I think that's a good point. We don't have to fucking kill the guy, but we can say, hey,

What if the person that is in front of us happens to disappear? You know what I mean? Can we take a slot?

Yeah, that's what Torbjorn was like. Torbjorn was not insinuating to kill anyone! I don't know, you were pretty grim when you said it. You said, "What if he just doesn't show up?" Yeah. It's just Torbjorn's face and voice! You know, Torbjorn's just like, you know, "What if we had to deal with them?" That's just Torbjorn! No, that's like, "Let's kill a guy." No! Just the other day, I was like, "Do you want pancakes or walnuts?" That's just Torbjorn! No, no, you didn't say it like that! What, you weren't telling us to kill those guys?

No, I was talking about braids! What the hell, man? You know, like, what do you want fries with? That was it, too? There were like three dead mushroom people back there. What? I thought you meant kill them! Oh my God! Oh, no.

Look, you gotta be careful about your inflection, alright? This is embarrassing. It really is. For you, not for me. I mean, I do this thing all the time. Alright. Maybe we'll just hang out until this all wears off, and then we'll go back and talk to, uh, what's his name? Chuck. Chuck. Chuck.

You walk up to Chuck. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, this is good. Oh no, oh no. I'm telling you, I don't want to hear it. I'm going to be dead in a month anyway. It doesn't-- do you hear that? Oh god, is that that worm thing in the forest again? Oh, it's worse. I show him my rocky talkie with all the numbers I've got.

Congratulations? You shelf him. What Dormek thinks Gregor's trying to say is that he's currently a high-value man. I wasn't going to make that joke. It's not going to last long, so get a permadon. Oh, my God.

He turns his Rocky-Taki around to you and you see that it's a match.

You can still speak, you're just foaming at the mouth. I just sit here foaming at the mouth and I think crab talk. I don't know what happened. I really thought of crab as a Pokemon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All I thought was crab talk. That's really funny. All right, well, unless anyone has any other ideas. Oh, I can talk.

I had to get-- oh, that candy was stuck in the back of me throat. Oh god, I hope that was candy. Did you actually want something to do with me or are you just coming to show that we matched? Probably a bug. It most certainly was a bug. Anyways. I'll be over here if you need me. All right, get-- help me up.

All right, man, come on up. Oh, wait, hold on, I forgot, hold on. No, come on up, man. You came from the sides of my bed. I'm going to straighten up, all right? God, it's all greasy! Oh, did it work on my skin, too? It did, yeah. No, no, your skin looks fine. Just on your skin, it looks like a--

It looks whitish in color. It's crackly and crusty. It feels like-- I've never seen anything like that before in my life. I don't know where that's coming from. All right, well, let's get this over with. Oh gosh, where's Frosty? I need to shove him into a locker. Hey, Chuck! Yeah?

All right, here's the deal. You've all been having a good time, haven't you? Oh, is there, oh, my shirt too, oh God. Is there a wait list of some kind for today's appointment? Oh no, I ain't even sure there is an appointment today. As I said, Scabitha is not in residence currently. She is in Yawm.

And she should be arriving back tonight, should all things proceed as planned. But her sister can be quite a hot ticket. And is that the word for it? I don't know. Shut up.

I walk up and touch him. They're not judging me about it, all right? I grab him by both of his shoulders. All right, well, those stains aren't coming out. Well, Chug, I mean, what time tonight, buddy? I mean, really, who knows? I can't get this stuff out of my hands. You don't have to rub down my chest. Well, I'm just trying to get something on my hands, all right? You know what, I'm going to be dead in 30 days anyway. 30 days? 30. Oh, 30. This is so good. Look. Look, if you had important business

I could send her a message and let her know what it was and she could choose to come back early. What about, uh, wait, can you give us one more minute? All right, then. I'm never going to be able to clean this jumper. And he sits back down and he watches. He tries to flake the cross away. Just lie on your back or something, man. Just lie on your back. Talk straight up. Guys, guys.

They offer, not only do they offer me a job, they suddenly immediately promote me!

Who? The goblins here at the market! Oh my god, look. What do you mean promote you? They don't pay anybody. I know! That was so, so weird! This is amazing! Look, I don't think he looks that attractive. I mean, what the fuck's going on? I'm not seeing him? I don't know. I don't think he looks attractive at all. Maybe a little bit taller, but it's hard to tell. It's all downwards from here. After he gets my energy. Oh, man.

Look, if Scabatha's not even here, do we even need to have a meeting with her? Could we just go in and, like, you know, take care of everything? Maybe not. Maybe we can. Maybe Gideon's bathroom plan's not a bad one. There's no reason not to just do what we're going to do. It's going to make it easier. I mean, it's not showing up until tonight. I mean, the place is empty.

Well, except for the toy soldiers, the child laborers, and possibly Estabatha's henchmen. But yeah, other than that, all clear. Yeah, they're basically empty.

Well, let's tell him we gotta use the bathroom and it's an emergency. He's gotta let us in then. That always works. Yeah, I'm sure they got faux shalals around here or something. I was denied out of the bathroom. After everything at the treehouse, I think we're a little tapped out, actually. It's a ruse, Draco, you know that.

What if I just go up there and use my newfound powers to just, like, manipulate them? That's fine, as long as you don't kick Dormag in the chest again, yeah. I mean, that was pretty funny. I'm funny, and my eyes will open. They'll get light on me. Oh, my God, I get it. Ah!

Just don't get too used to it, Gregor. Torbek knows these things never last. Our fiend is as broken as ever. I don't even take the foaming at the mouth. He spits foam all over you. I'm completely soaked. So is Torbek. Nothing gold can stay, goblin boy. Hey, Chuck.

Yeah. It's pretty cool, man. You know, maybe we should hang out later. Like, you know, a couple of us are going to grab, like, drinks, like, maybe next week or something. You should totally come with. You know, I would, yeah, I would take you. Yeah, wouldn't that be kind of fun when you like that a lot? Yeah, I would take you up on that offer. Yeah, yeah, maybe sometime. Anyway, right now we've really got to use the bathroom. Right now we've really got to use the bathroom. All four of us.

- It's an emergency. Our tummies from the candy, which is very delicious by the way, it is, they are in an upheaval, if you know what I mean. So I'm saying, but you know, bro, we should totally hang out like later, but like not right now, not soon, but like eventually, right? Later. - Yeah, sure. Right behind these stalls over here, you'll find the outhouses. - Okay. Thanks, bro. See you around.

How does that help us? I'll do it. I'll do it. I go to the other houses with like a... Like we did it, now what? Oh my God! Oh my God! Tell them that's not good enough! Tell them we gotta get inside! Oh!

Uh, yeah, so I can't use the bathroom in an outhouse. I'll get anxiety. On account of all the noises. So we really need a private space inside. You understand, bro. Tell him you deserve it. We deserve it. It's your birthright. It's my birthday, actually. It's my birthday. Dude, we're gonna go to Chili's later.

Yeah, it's my birthday. And so you can call it a mob after-party birthday. It's more of a talk crew for the main event, you know what I mean? You know how it is. But totally later, bro. I look expected, mate. You see he looks a little bit sad. Yeah. Unless I get this fixed, I won't make it to my next birthday, so.

I understand the importance of wanting to be able to celebrate on your special day and making it. No wonder you had so much candy. That makes a lot of sense. Look, you've got a lot of impending doom, fella. You really think you're gonna die? I know I'm gonna die. Why? What makes you think that? Because I was cursed with this candy apple head and the beast within that is feeding upon my cerebellum as we speak.

I will not have brain left by the time my next birthday rolls around. Do you need help with that? Yeah, what if we like-- What if we took care of that for you, buddy? What if we just killed the beast eating your head? If it actually exists. I don't know if you could. Is it removable? Torbjorn has long fingers, like weirdly long. Once he gets them up your nose, I mean, he can go anywhere. Is there an entry hole or is it just like spawned in your head?

I don't know how he got in there. He got in there one night while I was sleeping shortly after this all happened. Is there a... Is your head like... Real? Investigate? Just like kind of call it out? I mean, I would prefer if you don't. I will bleed candy sauce from my wounds and it will be painful. How about this? Let me take a look. I could die early. And if we can help you out, get rid of the beast inside your head.

Could you let us inside and use the bathrooms out next to the parlor? I was going to do that regardless, but if you want to help me as well, okay. I will accept it. I would like to make it to my next birthday if it's possible. I would invite you if you wanted to come. Pencil of Sin?

Uh, yeah, we're busy then. No, we're busy that day. We might maybe! We gotta check out! We would love to come to your birthday! We would love to! I bet it's super exciting! We'd love to! We'd love to! Wait a minute! Uh oh. You guys said the same thing about Torbeck's birthday and then didn't show up! That was a long time ago. And I don't even think that's true! Weren't we at that one?

No, Torbeck heard these exact same things almost dead.

years ago. No, we were there, right? Weren't we by the punch bowl? No, that was Rick's birthday. There was no punch at Torbeck's birthday because Torbeck couldn't afford punch. What did you have? Nothing. Dirty swamp water. They had like a bottle of wood alcohol. And dysentery.

Maybe like soap? Yeah, no, we had something-- Are you sure it was dysentery and you just didn't have Taco Bell cater your birthday? Torbek's not sure. Torbek's very sure he had no money and catering was not an option. That much Torbek is sure. Anyway, we'll help you. We'll--

No, I think your first birthday as part of the team. I think I went down to the grocery store and got one of those shitty cakes. No, no, no. I remember we sent him. Oh, that's right. And we said that we were busy. And you said, Torbent's so late that by the time Torbent got there, they didn't have any cakes.

Oh, that's right. I mean, oh, that's right. It's the thought that counts, though, isn't it? I could have sworn we did a terrible birthday. Oh, that was Chuckles' birthday. Yeah, that was... Oh, yeah. That was also the day you killed him.

Oh, we killed him on a dirtbag? Poor bastard. Well, at least, that's probably when you punched him and then he lingered for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the grass. No wonder that guy wants me. On his birthday. That was really insensitive. I didn't intend to. Yeah, yeah. Anyways. No, that's not what happened. Anyway. We'll...

The gaslighter strikes again! Anyway, yeah, we absolutely will. Do you need someone to hyper-fetally turn into a cartoonish termite and climb inside your head and fight to the death with a worm? No, I don't have really-- What I would like is to not have this candy apple head to begin with. Oh.

Let me see if I can take care of that for you. Well, maybe we should start by asking how you got turned into that. Who did it? Well...

I think we've already talked about this a little bit. I'm not comfortable saying names. I'm no snitch. I may be a bitch, but I ain't no snitch. That's what my mama always said to me. That weird thing that used to be. But what I will say is I might have been cursed. I might have made a mistake. I might have tried to pull the wool over someone's eyes.

I might have thought I was smarter than I really am. And I paid the price for it. How long ago was this all at? Sick, sick. All right, all right. Sick. It's been a while. I was a bro. It's been a while. Why do you think you got 30 days left now? Well, because that's what this little guy is telling me. He's been counting down the days since the day that he got into my head and started eating away at my cerebellum. Dang, I'm free.

Really dark! This guy listens to death metal or something. Holy! That's-- I don't see-- Sarah Bellum's a good bandit. That's rough, bro. That's rough, bro. Wait, is he all, like, have the numbers descended, or is he always saying 30? Oh yeah, every day I wake up and he just said 29. Oh well. Well, I mean, that's a good idea. What if Gricko here could turn into a little termite and eat his way into your head? Yeah! Well, that may be possible, but-- And fight to the death with a--

I think he's part of my curse.

Oh. Okay. Another one we're replacing. There always has to be one. Oh. Of course. Well, what if he becomes the curse? I don't want to Davy Jones this, Gideon. Let's not-- Let's not curse him. Would you like to have a candy alphabet? No, no, no, no. What if he becomes the curse and you give him one day with us every year? No, no, no, no. Torbjorn has a feeling that the person who will not be named

is probably pretty powerful. Do you think you can overdo that? - No, I just checked. I don't got anything to help him. I'm gonna try to kill the worm, but it sounds like that won't help. - How do we break the codes? What have you done wrong? - I told you, I tried to pull the wool over someone's eyes. - Whose eyes? What'd make it wrong? - I told you, I can't tell you. Do you listen? - Well, maybe.

this will end up being... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm getting out of sorts. I just heard 29. That's one more day gone. That's what I... I did not say that. I did not say those words did not come out of my mouth. Everybody's accusing you of saying that. Tori Reddy's just saying that maybe this will end up being a two penguins, one banana hammock situation and we can help him out. Yeah, of course. While we already have to do. You know?

Oh, what? I cannot let you inside a loom lurch if you have any nefarious designs on the substance. No, no, no. We're going to go look for the bathroom. So anyway, bro, we'll chill at your birthday party. We're going to get lit. It'll be sick, bro. If you can do nothing to fix my head there.

will be no birthday party this year, for Chuck. Not until, I think, level seven. Well, Torbjorn is confident we will try now, but Torbjorn is also confident that these three individuals will not be coming to your birthday party. Whoa! I don't think there's going to be a birthday party. But we'll do what we can.

to help out your cursed situation. No, it's going to be cool. We'll go to Smashville, rent an Airbnb, get cowboy hats. It'll be sick, bro. I don't know what any of that means. Is Smashville in hither? Yeah.

I ain't never been there. I hear it's real pretty though, it's got a lot of swamps. I like swamps. Sick, sick. Yeah, yeah. Sick, sick. Sick, bro, yeah, we'll do that. That's where we'll get cowboy hats. And it'll be really rad. They ain't prepared for a friend group like ours. I've never seen a group like ours. I don't know if it's true that we will do those things. Oh, it really is. Sick. I will hope that I've got more than 29 days that you'll come through for old Chuck.

And I just gotta say, y'all don't realize how lucky you are to have friends like you do. The way you reminisce about Torbeck's birthday and what a lovely time it was. That cake you were trying to get. Those silly old pranks. I ain't had friends like that in a long time. It gets lonely out here, you know? Ugh.

When you have 29 days left, you have a lot of time to think to yourself about what your life could have been and should have been and why. And I just want you to know you got something special. Don't forget that. I mean, look at the two of you in love.

I mean, you can just see it. Yeah, I mean, and Greco and then Colbert. Yeah, but what you two have is special. Bro, we all love each other, bro. All bros love each other. You don't find a romance like that often. What, like a bromance? Like a bromance, yeah. Romance and smash and smash. The way your eyes connect and sparkle in the light. I haven't looked at him one time since we've been talking to him. Yeah.

Except that Tam was holding his head. Those subtle-- Those subtle stolen glances when you think no one's looking. Yeah, so it's what homies do. That's what bros-- And it's beautiful. Anyway-- Why are you scowling at me, you tiny thing? The home has brought up a lot of unhappy memories, your doorbag. Why do you say that, little one?

Torbjorn doesn't like to complain. But then Torbjorn got kicked in the chest. You come over here and he pulls up a mushroom stool and pats it. Sit down. Sit down. You tell me about it. Torbjorn really shouldn't elaborate. Oh, he's going to elaborate. Oh, here we go. I sit down. Oh!

Oh boy. "You know, it's just, "I didn't come to tour my birthday. "Now I get to see you!" You know, sometimes,

When you love someone so much, you have to take space from them. And maybe they just couldn't be there that day because they were afraid of what it would do to you when they all had to leave and how sad it would make you. But, you know, once or twice, like, understandable, but 29 times? We don't say the word 29. Oh, that's...

Torbjorn! Torbjorn! Torbjorn! Torbjorn! It's alright. It was a mistake. It was a mistake, buddy. You know, this is getting awkward. Torbjorn, we should go, guys. We should go. Well, it's clear that you all love each other and that they love you too.

Not as much as they love each other, but they do still love you at least a little bit. Mr. Grammy calls me a goer. No, I don't. I call you an employee. Oh yeah, that's worse. It hurts worse, it hurts worse. You got another birthday coming around this year. Yeah, maybe.

Anyway, sucks, bro. Can you take us to the bathrooms, please? No, no, he doesn't have to come with us. We're just going to go for fun on our own at noon lunch. That's what we'll do. We're going to just wander on up. Yep, yep. Can't open the door without me. Oh, yeah, that's it. You don't even have to go to the bathroom. I mean, that'd be like weird. Yeah, jeez. I don't think anyone said they wanted to watch it. Okay, good. I was just checking. I was just checking. Are you asking? No, no, no, no, no, no.

I was just saying. Why aren't you smiling? We just need, I'll just, 'cause it's all the foam in my, it looks like a smile. It's crusting all in my, it's also in the crust now, so it looks like a smile, but it's not. It's the involuntary muscle response. How much candy do you all have? What? How much candy did you all have? Dormant just ate one. All right, well, you're about halfway through. Oh god, well, I have one, yeah, I have one, too.

It's about roughly an hour per piece. Oh, well. I had two pieces, the sharks and the whatever else. Ah, the sharks are good. And the pops. Yeah. Oh, that's why I have two effects. Ah, I get it. I get it. Anyways, we should... Yep, all right. Well, follow me. Bathroom and all. I don't want to get too graphic, but... We'll go get you into the parlor. This candy is so good, I'll give it a canned A. What?

That's exactly what he was saying. That was very Derek. That was a Derek-ism. Give me blood. I tried. I tried. That was actually very Derek-esque. Oh. All right. It's not a candy at all.

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jumps off of his stump and begins to make his way along the same path that you came in over. And you walk out of the Goblin Market over the root bridge that spans across the winding river at the front of Loon Lurch, and then around a small curve to another root bridge that leads directly to the tail end of this gigantic farm.

fallen oak tree. This is the portion that had been rooted into the ground and you can see the petrified roots that snake down from the entrance and buried deep into the earth here, almost creating like an arched entryway to this thing. And on the very base of it, you see a large arched wooden doorway.

You watch as Chuck pulls out a huge iron keyring and begins flipping through them until he gets to one that's shaped, that's very long and the base of it is shaped like a rocking horse. He sticks it into the lock

twists it and takes the large iron handle and heaves it over and pulls the door open, you're immediately hit with the sense of cinnamon and baked goods. The smells of sweets and candies that are clearly being made further into this place. And you see in very dim candlelit light what appears to be a small entryway, a small parlor,

He holds the door open for you. You can take a seat in here. I will alert Pincushion that you are here and that you have my permission to venture deeper into Loom Lurch to the restrooms. She will be your guide. It was nice meeting the four of you.

It's been a pleasure, bro. Seriously. If I don't see you again, I wish you all the best. And you are second in line to meet with Scevitha, so I will let Pinguisha know that and she'll tell you what to do from there. Good luck with that thing. Thanks. If you think of any cures or anything, you know where to find me. Turmoid Death Fight was all I had, so that's all I got. Sorry, bro. Yeah. Kill the worm was the extent of it.

Alright, well, have a good night. And he bows to you and waits for you to make your way into Loom Lurch as he closes the door behind you and makes his way back towards the Goblin Market.

Hmm.

You look around, expecting to see someone else. You'd been told that there was someone here waiting to meet Skabatha. But you appear to be alone in this room. There is a fresh tea service sitting on this small table. There are four cups that are...

filled with steaming hot liquid. There is a towering tray filled with delicacies of all kinds. It's very clear that this is where that pastry baked goods scent had come from. There are, there's a small hearth in the corner that's helping to illuminate the room and keep its warmth radiating in here. And there are all kinds of different

paintings and shadow boxes and other things lining the walls, but unlike Bavlorna's home, these are all of different knitted pieces and sewn pieces. You see bits of quilts, you see a shadow box filled with a varying array of buttons, you see a small doll sitting on a shelf. Hello? Anybody here? What I do?

Huh. Doesn't look like anybody's around. Didn't he say he was going to go get Pincushion or something? No, that we were after Pincushion, that Pincushion was going to be here waiting. No, he said that he was going to call Pincushion and she would come and escort you through Loom Lurch. Oh, so we ought to zip away. That might raise suspicion.

Wait, but someone was supposed to be waiting here, right? Well, maybe. But who knows if that person was going to sit here until Scamatha came back. We're just waiting for pincushions so they know we have permission to use the

Yeah, I mean, all we said was we were second in line, but she wouldn't come back till tonight anyway. So, I mean, that meeting might not-- You hear the sound of pattering from behind this door that goes further into Loon Lodge. It's this very soft tap, tap, tap sound. Oh, what's that? Maybe that's Bancos? I guess so. I'm going to really just focus. Where's that coming from?

I'm trying to figure out where it's coming from. The other side of the door. Other side of the door, like we knew already. Thanks for confirming, Beau. Hold on. Okay. Let's tap back. Maybe. All right. There's tea for us. You hear the pattering stop for a second, and then you hear, hmm. Say you are looking for the bathroom.

Our buddy here really needs to use the bathroom. Don't tell him that Torbjorn has to go, that's embarrassing! He really has to use the bathroom. Torbjorn thought we were in this together. Big Brown has to use the bathroom. Why are you talking like me suddenly to the door? Well, such as. My name's Gideon Cole.

Hey, wait a second. That's my name. And if anything bad happens for talking to you, that's it. You should be punished. Oh, man. That's pretty good. I'm telling him that Torbeck has to use the bathroom. I'm going to... I'm going to... I'm going to Torbeck has to use the bathroom. Ah!

Oh, see, he has a small bladder. He's got a tiny-- he's a little fella. I mean, he's a little brown now. He's a little brown, look how tiny he is. You hear the pattering start again. He's a little brown, he's got to make a big brown, see? Hey, don't say that! See, little brown's got to make a big brown. No, it's not true!

You hear the patterning starting, and actually through all the noise you're making, you probably don't. But eventually you hear the creaking sound of the door opening, and you all look out, expecting to see someone standing there. And you see literally nothing, or you see no person standing there. What you do see is flickering lanterns that illuminate a cluttered workshop filled with soft, ambient music produced by bells and chimes.

Parts of toys are heaped on the tables, leering dolls' heads, half-built rocking horses, unpainted wooden balls, and the stuffed limbs of soft toys. A stove at the back of the room holds a saucepan of smelting metal. Three doors exit the workshop, and two storefront windows overlook the market outside. Three young children are gathered around a wooden work table. The eldest, a drow boy, prances on the tabletop with a bar of soap in one hand, while a halfling girl and a human girl giggle at his audacity.

Oh. And you watch as this plays out, and then you hear, "Excuse me, I'm down here, pay attention to me. Hello?" And you look down, and you see about one foot tall, a small rag doll. She has pins sticking out of different parts of her body, and she is wearing a dress that is clearly quilted together.

Her hair is made of yarn and her eyes are buttons. And she looks up at all of you as she waves her arms at you. To use the bathroom, I'm more than happy to take you, but we must make haste. Okay. All right, don't touch anything and you don't stop until we get there. All right, thank you for leading the way. Oh, I'm pincushion, by the way. And she curtsies in front of you. Oh.

Nice to meet you. Yeah, nice to meet you. Doorbag is usually twice as tall as this. She reaches out and grabs your hand and you shake it. Her hand feels very light and as you hold onto it, it squishes. You can tell that it's clearly filled with some sort of fluff or fabric scraps. Oh, that's weird. You see that her

Her jointing is done with these small pins so that her arm and her wrist can move individually. Her fingers all seem to be jointed in some way. And as you shake her arm, it flops a little bit and she giggles. You've quite the strong grip. Oh, yeah. Sorry about all the stains, by the way. Oh!

No, I'm never going to get these out! Well, I just gotta get to the bathroom. Stop touching stuff. Well, I don't know, man! It's just polite. I thought it was polite. When me and somebody know-- My sugar hands. This guy's always talking about the bathroom and like browns and stuff. He's a freak. Sorry about it. Sorry about this, by the way. This guy's a freak. You're the tallest goblin I've ever seen!

and I'm going to need new hands. He's a bully, and he's not the tallest goblin you've ever seen! Oh my gosh! I've never seen a cat of bleppis in the flesh before! What did you call Torbjorn? Depending on Toblipos. Oh, wow. We really got to use the bathroom. Thank you, Pincushion, for leading the way. And hopefully the name's just a euphemism and not literal. Well,

She looks down, she pulls a pin out of her chest. I'm a pincushion, you see. And that doesn't hurt? Oh no, not at all. I'm filled with stuffing. And she pokes herself. No, promise it doesn't hurt at all. I made a fluff and fabric stuff. And she puts the pin back. We don't have a lot in life. Anyway, lead the way, please. Thank you. Okay, all right. We're going to head deeper in. It's just around the bend. All right.

And you walk forward through the workshop. Do the kids look familiar? Do they look like the three that were taken? The described by the getaway gang? One of them does. Oh. The little boy does. I'll make a note of that in my brain. And as you walk by the workshop, you hear her go, Excuse me, you three have- Don't make me tell Granny Batshade you've been fooling around. And you hear-

The little boy turns and looks towards her. We've been working so hard though. I know you have, but Granny Nightshade will be back in a few hours and you don't want her to find you slacking. Oh, just tell her we've worked really hard today. Don't tell her about this old cape and cushion. Right, but only if you leave me some buttons by the door. You know we will.

"Okay then, little scamps, come on!" And she scurries towards the door. This is morally dubious. Oh my god. "Don't tell anyone that you saw that, all right? "I can't help but have a soft spot for the children. "They always put me back on the shelf when I fall off." Oh, yeah. "Through this door." You-- Don't mind the bubbles.

You make your way through this workshop. It is a long workshop. It takes up probably about an entire quarter of the fallen length of Loom Lurch. This is clearly the largest section of this place you would imagine. As you make your way into a circular room,

Walking in, it's incredibly dark at first, but as your eyes adjust, you see ten brightly painted structures resembling little wooden houses lining the walls of this room. Each small house has a three-foot-high hinged door. Four of the doors are open, and the other six are closed. A narrow staircase ascends the circular wall. Near the foot of the stairs is a painted wooden box three feet on each side. A crank protrudes from one side of it, causing it to resemble an oversized jack-in-the-box. Huh.

As you begin to walk through this room, you hear a gasp come from Pincushion. She looks around and pushes you into spots between these little houses, pushing each one of you. Shh! Be silent!

Mm-hmm.

are called to arms. They march towards the center of the room. They all move around, but their heads stay looking in one place as they turn towards the door you just left from and march out in a single file line. Pincushion waits until silence has befallen in this room. I completely forgot it was time for the changing of the guards. If they had seen you, oh, you're not supposed to be in here. Oh.

"Well, I thought we were given permission." "Well, you were given permission in a way. But if Granny Nightshade knew that there was anyone she did not know and did not allow to wander around inside this place, we would all be in so much trouble, and you the most so. The guards only listen to her, not to me and not to Chuck." "Oh, all right. So we'll keep an eye out. Well, thank you for that. Well, now that the guard's changed, are we in the clear?"

Yes, for the time being, but you must be careful. Their music is incredibly powerful. They can stop you when your tracks paralyze you, charm you, deafen you, frighten you, petrify you, even poison you with their music. Wow. That's impressive. But they are quite cute. Like a random D8 kind of thing? It's going to be cute. They're so cute, I'm going to show you what they look like.

They're little things, little fellas. They're little chubby toy soldiers. All right. Well, uh... I really got to use the bathroom. Yes, yes, yes, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. All right, let's see here. Where do we go to next?

"We're going to go, yes, into the next room." And she opens the door on the opposite side and you see that there's a small hallway that clearly leads to some sort of pantry. Imagine you're getting closer to where the candy's being made. And off to the side, there's a small door and she opens the door and inside you see what is clearly a very small restroom. All right, we're here. - Well, thanks, we'll see you around. - Yes, I'll wait right here. - Oh. - Oh.

It's a one-person ordeal, so. We could really use some privacy. Oh yes, I'm not going in there with you. I'm just going to stay outside with those who are-- No, I just mean, even in his shot, I would just-- you can go on. And once he gets started, you don't want to be in the vicinity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It might be a while. Yeah, that big bowl is stroking off our ass. That'd be the case, but unfortunately, I can't leave you alone inside of Lumlech.

All right, Torbjorn, go on. I promise I won't judge. You had to go first, I think. Torbjorn has to go first? Yeah, yeah. Your littlest fellow goes first, is what I say. What if Torbjorn is too shy? It's like an audience, a crowd watching. Torbjorn knows you're all outside the door. We'll plug our ears, don't worry. You!

Then you're gonna make fun of Torbek later. That's not what we would ever do. It's just a risk we're gonna have to take. We wouldn't need this moment to do that. Torbek hopes that while Torbek is in there, the rest of Torbek's friends think about things. And he eyes them up.

very severely as he moves, he steps backwards into the restroom and he shuts the door, maintaining eye contact with all three of his friends.

Oh, he's a fussy little guy, ain't he? He's a fussy little guy. You find yourself inside of this small little bathroom. There is a lamp on the wall that is filled with fireflies that the moment you shut the door, they begin to buzz and illuminate.

and fill the room with a soft light and you are there to do whatever you choose to do. - Torbek is gonna sit on the toilet and just sit there and try to like buy time and think about how long he can sit there in this bathroom reasonably before it's like absolutely ridiculous. But to try to give the rest of the guys time to like think of something or do something, you know, just to buy as much time as possible.

Yep, you're free to do that. Pincushion, after seeing you go in, you can't see this, but she flops down onto the ground, her soft fabric legs spread out in front of her. As she picks up the hem of her dress and one of the needles, you see she threads it with a piece of yarn from her hair, and she begins to sew on a new patch to her dress as she

as she giggles and sings to herself. She is there with you, but she's not watching you hyper closely. You imagine if you tried to rush off and go somewhere else, she would notice, but she's not, she's trying to give you privacy. - Last thing I'll say is within two minutes of me entering the bathroom, from the bathroom, you'll start to very softly hear

Torbjorn is very much... He's very clearly humming to himself while he's on the toilet. Perfect. Well, Dean Gushen, I appreciate you. My next move, so I'm going to lay out my bags. We're going to be here a while, so...

I get down on the ground, all the way on my back. Your head is quite large compared to your body. Yeah, it's not always this way, but-- Oh, you eat the candy at the Goblin Market? Yeah, yeah, if you got some way to help. I don't, sadly, but time will help. If you ate candy right as you showed up at the Goblin Market, you have maybe 10 more minutes left. All right, well, he'll be a lot longer for 10 minutes, so I'm just going to lay down. And the heart thing will stay, right?

That's gonna be staying. I'm sorry, what? You know, me being so religiously tall. Well, you're the tallest-- My inside energy finally being presented on the outside. You are tall in comparison to a goblin, yes?

"Oh, yeah, obviously. I'm like six full." Yes, and you row for UC Davis. "I row for UC Davis, actually, yeah." Yeah, I was looking at your shirt. "You couldn't help moderating, I understand." "Oh, no, you're not really my type." "No, I wasn't. I was just being nice. "Can you believe this?"

Look, Pink Cushion, you're taking a lot of risks just to wait for us to go to the bathroom. I mean, what happens if you get caught? Oh, I'll be deconstructed. Oh my god, look, we remember how you brought us in here. Why don't you go on and get back on your shelf, wherever you're supposed to be, and we can find our way out of this place once we're done. Well, if I'm deconstructed, I can be put back together.

But if I let you wander around this place and something were to happen and Granny Nightshade were to find out, it'd be far worse than deconstructed. Oh. I would be turned into mulch and used as stuffing in other toys. Never to be put back together again. Well, no, it's all good. I mean, Granny Nightshade knows we're here. We're second in line to meet her. Yeah, nothing bad's going to happen. You're not going to get punished.

by the cruel working conditions of this place. They need to be able to find you, right? And grab you to deconstruct you, right? There's not some sort of remote magic where they can just wave their hands and wherever you are get horribly mutilated? Not that I know of. But Granny Nightshade's very powerful, so it's possible for sure. Probably not. All right. But maybe. Well. Yes. Well. Could I ask you to do one little favor for me?

You could ask and I will do my best. Would you kindly not make a peep and lay lifeless as if you were a real regular doll? Are you really trying to charm me right now? No, not at all. Make it with some saving throw. She could be charmed. Oh, that's not going to work on me. I don't know what you mean. If you could just give us some silence as Torbjorn

Goes to the bathroom. I really don't appreciate that. That was not nice. Look, I'm trying to make sure that you don't get hurt is all and I figured if we just scoop you up and put you in our pocket, you're not under any risk and you'll stay nice and safe. And don't you think you could have told me that instead of trying to lie to me and force me to do your will?

Uh, I could've. I'm not really my style, though. Yeah, where's the point of that? I mean, here's the thing. I'll level with you. We just really need some privacy, and I don't think once it's my turn, I don't think I'm going to be able to go unless you're either gone or hidden away in a little pocket. So here is the thing. I cared for a while. Now I don't care so much whether you're comfortable or not. Oh.

That's fair. You know, I wouldn't knock you on that at all. We're just random strangers. Gideon. What, you think it's time for pancakes and waffles? You should have grabbed the tea candies. The tea candies? What do you mean the tea candies? There were tea candies out there? In the Goblin Market? Take it. Take the tea candies? Take them where? Here.

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm cool. I wrote for UC Davis.

It is about this time that your head shrinks. Your height returns. You feel your body pressing against the walls of this bathroom, which is significantly too small for you now. As Gricko, you shrink down, your mouth's still frothing, but you lose all of your height. Now you're a tiny frothing goblin. From inside the bathroom, you just hear, Yes! Then the door...

Torbek takes one step out, takes two steps out, stands up to his full over seven foot height and leans over Gricko. Torbek told you this wouldn't last forever! Torbek, your pants! I'm sorry! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Thank you, Gideon. Oh, man, just desserts. But the point stands, Gricko. Torbek's not gonna take revenge now. Torbek might not even take revenge tomorrow. But at some point, Torbek's gonna get you back. Also, the bathroom is free. Okay, I'll be on my back, so I was holding it in. I feel like...

Something has left me. Now you're 3-2 and you-- You're on debate club, Rockaway Community College. That's got to be depressing. Oh, wait, but Dublin Tiffany said she wanted to-- Oh, they all unmatched.

"Open Goblin's channel!" She said, "Oh, her grandmother died." "If you'll excuse me, I'll be right back." And I'll go into the bathroom and in the silence of here...

I sit there and I cry in the bathroom. So, how's everybody doing? We're just waiting. Yeah. Just waiting for Griggo to be done. Then it'll be Gib's turn. Are there other exciting things going on in Loom Learn?

Oh, well while you were in the bathroom, your friend tried to compel me to do your bidding. You have no evidence of that. What? Yeah, no I didn't. No evidence. I definitely didn't do that. Which friend? The crocodile. Oh, excuse me. No, Granny. I don't look anything like a crocodile, I have you know. I'm an alligator. Ew.

- Also, that's-- - What about having an unhandle of this, kid? - Totally doesn't sound like Kremi at all. He would never do that. - Are you lying to me? - Oh, not going back would never. - I just don't understand why this keeps happening. - Why what keeps happening? - Why people always try to lie and sneak and cheat, even.

Someone very close to this place does the same. Okay, Dormag will come clean. It was in Crammy's nature. But he can't help himself, truly. Why not? Is he under a curse that he must always lie and sneak and cheat?

From a certain point of view, kinda, yeah. He quite literally can't help himself.

And Torbeck just kind of gets swept up in it, and it's like this moving current, and Torbeck is sorry. Torbeck shouldn't have tried to lie. Well, I appreciate your apology. That's very nice.

Can't a man magically charm someone for eight hours so his privacy goes into the bathroom? Is that too much to ask? Let's not pretend here. Didn't seem like too much to ask. That you want to be in this place to use the bathroom. Well, how do you know? It's very-- Vince me to leave you alone here. Well, I tried to convince you to-- Through magical means. --flop down like a regular old pincushion doll. That's all I said.

I didn't say I was going to leave here unless you know something I don't. If you had no reason to be deceitful, you would not try to be deceitful. Oh, that's not true. We never had any reason. Well, if that's the case, then I don't know how I possibly work with the four of you. Well-- Have you ever just tried being kind to someone?

Jorbeck does! Have you ever tried telling the truth and just asking for what you mean? Jorbeck does! Everybody knows kind guys finish last. No, I haven't tried it. No, that sounds like for lame-os. Yeah. I want to be very angry right now. And I don't have...

Emotions that last. So you don't have a heart or anything. So they're fleeting. Right now I'm simply confused. What do you want here? What do you want to gain here? And you know you are throwing in the line of fire for whatever it is. Chuck let you in here.

Whatever you're trying to do goes awry. I know he only has 30 days left to live. 29. Oh no, another day to take down? Yeah. I mean, if he's in the line of fire, this means like, I mean, I don't know that we need to be worried about that. Yeah, dead man walking. Yeah, man, that's like easy. I just hope that his final 29 days are worth living for and that they're not ruined or cut short by whatever you're trying to do. Now myself may be just a doll, but I'm still me. I still have a life.

and if i'm not here to protect these children who's going to be okay honest truth

We heard that Scamatha wasn't going to be back until tonight. That's true. And for walk-in appointments, there was someone before us. We thought by using the bathroom, we could scope out the situation and deal with them.

You wanted to kill the poor old lady that was here trying to resurrect her husband? What? No! We were going to see it, Megan has to go first! So why did you say it in such a way? That's what I'm saying, hey, is that right? Yeah, we're on the same page. Yeah, look, I told you. Is there a reason you put your hand at your waist and started to rub your thumb against your blade?

There is so much of what you just said that doesn't make any sense to Torbjorn. And then you did... Torbjorn doesn't remember any of this. And then you did this. This is just Torbjorn's face. You drew a skull and crossbones in the ground. The point is that that's the truth. Oh, she was put where Scabitha wanted her to be put for the time being.

So there's no one currently in line to see her. Oh my god, six feet under? From a certain point of view. Oh my god! What?! What the hell? Why do you want to see Granny Nightshade? I understand why the lady wanted to see her. What happened to her was horrible.

I wanna make a deal.

With Granny Nightshade? Yeah. I mean, she's a powerful hag that rules over this land, and I'm a businessman. And I got some, uh, something she may want. What is it? It's information. If I told you, then you'd have it. Yes, that's true. But the only way you'll get into Granny Nightshade is through me. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

It's about her sisters. Oh, unless you have the head of her sister, I don't think she's going to care all that much. Well, that's the thing. If we have a way to take care of them, perhaps we could offer our services about that. Yes, perhaps. And so, if we have an in with one of her other sisters, we can head on over to Heather and do a job.

I think she'd be mighty amenable to that. Then she might. I'm not sure if that's going to be enough for her to want to see you after traveling to see one of her sisters presently. I don't think you understand what she's doing right now. She's with Enderlin, which means when she returns, she's going to be furious, angry, tumultuous. Her emotions are going to be quite unruly. Information about...

You say "hither," so you must mean Bavlorna. I don't know if that will quell the rampaging emotion she's going to feel. If you had something that you could provide her presently, that could help calm her, that could open the door to a more amicable conversation, then maybe then she would want to talk about Bavlorna. What, uh... what's she looking for? How am I to know? Well, don't you know her super well?

I know she hates her sisters, she hates Will of the Feywild, and she hates children. What is she like? To sew, to create. Well, I have this awl that I stole from her sister. Would that give her pleasure, to know that she could sew, make holes with this thing that once belonged to her? Oh, I'm sure it would. I don't think it's going to do what you want it to. Well, I got these, and I'll pull out the two, like,

burlap dolls that, of Granny Nightshade and Endalyn that we found. Oh, look at those. Those are quaint. Also stole these. So you're big on deception and stealing. Yeah, like I said, it's kind of my thing. I do appreciate that you're providing some honesty, even if it took a bit of work to get you there. I'm trying to help you. I truly am.

Well, give us some ideas. I have, I've told you what she hates, but you keep saying the same thing. I can provide things her sisters used to own, and that, I'm sorry, it's just not enough. Well. She hates what? She hates kids? I don't care. What was her plan?

We're just supposed to talk to her and keep her occupied. So you're supposed to distract her so that the children outside could be rescued. She's not even here to be distracted, so you could imagine the children outside being rescued. That plan's probably going off without a hitch. Your job was to rescue the children inside and to get the portraits. And the portrait. And or... And if we can't get the portrait at this point, who cares?

I'll come out of the bathroom. There's some crybaby crud all over the place. Anyone got any allergy meds? I'm allergic to stuff in here, I don't know. You're probably allergic to being bullied. I'm stuffed with wool, so it's possible you're allergic to wool. Oh yeah, that's probably what it is. How unfortunate. Anyways.

Why don't we talk to the kids? Are you the taskmaster? Are you the pit boss of all the children? Well, from a certain point of view. Yeah. Can we borrow them? No, of course not. Once you're done using the restroom, you must go back to the parlor. Well, I still need to go, so I'll go on in.

I'll open the door. It's covered in tears. Oh. There are wads of-- It's balmy. It's-- The barometric pressure is-- The mirror is foggy. And there are snotty towels all over the floor. It smells like the sea. Some little bitch.

If there's a sink in there, I will take my coat and I will just try to like, I'll just spend my time with you trying to scrub the stains out. If they're still there. It's been past an hour and you find it very easy to remove these stains. They basically flake off. Oh, jeez. Fucking Pennsylvania. So, now that your deceitful friend is

in the restroom and no longer trying to pull the wool over my eyes. That's a joke because I'm made of wool. Well, the insides of me are. Very clever! What have you been doing since you've come to Thither?

Uh, you know, we've just been getting killed by the Jabberwock. What? You've seen the Jabberwock? Oh yeah! That's horrible! Yeah, it was awful, but it was really bad. Wait, you were killed by it? You were still alive? Yeah, we got killed by the Jabberwock. It was so scary, we almost--

died of heart attacks. No, I think we literally got... No, we literally got killed by the drones. God! He's been gone for two minutes!

Minutes! That's so horrifying. You were able to make it out of that situation. That's so cool. Yeah. What else have you done? Walked around, saw some things. We met the unicorn at Unicorn Beach. Really? Yeah. Yeah, we hung out at Unicorn Beach. It's so awful what happened to her husband. Yeah, it was really sad. Terrible. It was really sad. I really wish Granny Nightshade would let him go. What? What? Yes.

Yes. Oh, where'd you let him go? Where is he? Can we see him? He's upstairs in the bedroom. What the heck? Right now? Right now? There's one floor up. Okay, hold on. Technically a couple floors up. How many buttons?

What buttons do we have to give you to take Mr. Krammy to see this unicorn? Torbett cannot overstate how much he loves unicorns. Well, if your friend were as nice to me as you are and were willing to have polite and honest conversation, I'd be more than willing to do more things for him. It's not that he's not willing. Yes, it is.

No, it's not. It's not about will. It's a skill issue. He just doesn't have the ability to. He has such a

Nice voice, though. That's quite nice. Have you heard the tale of the frog and the scorpion? No. Well. Oh, here we go! Is Krimi the frog or the scorpion? Because he told me he was not a crocodile, but an alligator, so I don't think he'd like being called either one of those things. Allow me to regale you. All right. The frog was chilling at Unicorn Beach and was about to swim over, and the scorpion comes up and says, "What to do? How to do, Miss Frog Lady?" So he's the scorpion? Yes.

And he said, "Hey, can I hitch a ride across Unicorn Lake so I can get away from Unicorn Beach? My tan is getting a little crispy."

And Frog was like, "Whoa, that sounds pretty crazy, because you'll sting me and then we'll both drown and die." And then the scorpion's like, "Nah, I won't do it, that's crazy. Would you kindly put me across? I would never do that. Never do that." And the frog's like, "Well, whatever you say." So they both leave Unicorn Beach, the scorpion's chilling on the frog's back. And then

Shocker, twist of the century. The scorpion stings the frog. Why would the scorpion do that to the poor frog that was trying to help it? And the frog is like...

Scorpion, you're such a sudden and inevitable betrayal. How could you? We'll both die. And then, uh, Alameo, said the scorpion. Alameo. And they both die. And the moral of the story is that it was in the scorpion's nature to sting the frog. So it is Cremi's, uh...

to lie. He can't help it. So I, believing in the sanctity of nature and beasties, being a druid or something, must accept Crammy for who he is, lies and all, even though he gives us a new lot of trouble. I'm not sure how I feel about the scorpion killing the poor frog, but I do understand accepting things for the way that they are.

"like your big hairy smelly friend. "It's so sweet that you accept him for the way he is "when so many would not

be around him with the swirling stench. Yeah, exactly right. A lot of people have so many terrible things about Cthulhu Pass, and it's so nice to see that you've befriended one, and you've even domesticated him. It's a bugbear, not a cat of pee-something. We have definitely not domesticated him. Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't,

Apologies, my apologies. I really appreciate the conversation that we're having. It's nice getting to know you. It makes me feel kindred towards you. Yeah, I mean, so I feel like we could be best chums. Yes, what else have you done while you've been in Dither? Uh, you know, there was a walrus. We met an old lady. Uh, we, what else did we do?

Was that hourglass thing in there? Or no, that was something else. Oh, that wasn't it! We met some singing mushrooms. Mr. Crammy! Mr. Crammy! And then we met some crawfish, and they were like, and then we killed them and cooked them and ate them. That was pretty yummy. They're delicious. I don't eat, but I heard they're delicious. Yeah, alright, what? And we met free pixies.

And they were like, oh, we're feeling a little frisky. There are a lot of pixies here. Yeah, there are. And I was like, oh, there's three of us. And then Gideon's like, well, who's for the rest of us? You're big enough. You look like you could handle ten pixies.

Oh, Will, I feel like Dan Pink's just dead. Well, what a day. It sucks how they're there. And then Cremia was locked. Well, what do I do? I never seen something so awful before. That sounds just like him. The moment the door opens, Cremia's coming out. Yeah. What's the fucking emergency? Oh, Mr. Cremia, I'm so glad you're finished!

I wanted to tell you that our new friend said there's a unicorn here. I'm sorry, there's a what? Oh, I'm not telling you anything. And if you would be willing to be kind and honest and apologize, you can meet the unicorn, maybe. Well, I can't watch that. I'm going to the bathroom.

Hold it in, Gideon. If you can take us to the unicorn, then we should leave right away. Yeah, Gideon said he doesn't actually have to go anymore, and it's much more important that we see the unicorn. Well...

I'm sorry that I tried to use my magic to manipulate you against your will for eight hours. Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you for the apology. Yes, let me tell you about the unicorn. So, what happened was that the horn was stolen from the unicorn. Uh-huh, yep. Then that got stolen from Bavlona. Yep. And now the unicorn is simply just a...

She uses it as a mount now. It's a rocking horse upstairs in a bedroom. Oh, my God. And where the horn used to go, it's just an empty spot. And to make sure her sisters could never find it because it's very, very powerful, she created a memory ruse, and now people think that it's hidden in yon. So people keep going to yon to try and find it, but they'll never find it.

find it there because it's upstairs as a rocking horse. You're telling me the unicorn that's in yarn is actually up fucking upstairs? Oh yes, it's a wooden rocking horse now but you can't animate it unless you have the unicorn's horn and that could have gone. You're telling me that there's a unicorn upstairs at this present time on this day

And all you need is the horn to reanimate it? There is so much I know that nobody else knows because I never sleep and I sit on the shelves all the time. And what happens if it's reunited with its horn and it gets animated? It becomes the unicorn again. And then Pavlona has no control over it because unicorns are so powerful. And he's incredibly old and incredibly powerful, far more powerful than any unicorn I've ever seen in my entire life.

Torbjorn is sweating a little. Presumably, this unicorn would grant great favors to anyone that-- Oh, I can only imagine. -- they have their freedom from such a torment. It is nothing but pure agony for a unicorn to be ridden around like a steed. And it's not even that way. It's been turned into an inanimate object. I can still see the life behind its eyes. You should take us there right away.

I would just love to see it. I've never seen a unicorn before. But I couldn't. There is only one way, one way to get up into that room, and that is with the most private of meetings with Bavlorna, and I don't mean anything sexual by that at all. It's just simply that that's where she would take the meeting, one so, so super secret, if someone had captured Will of the Feywild. Which is funny, because she doesn't even understand what's going on there.

- Well why didn't you fucking say so? - Don't cuss at me. - I apologize. - Oh my gosh. - Who is the night? - Yes, the thing is, she doesn't even realize that Will of the Feywild is an oni. And that's where we'll end the session. - Oh! What in the hell? Wow. - Oh.

Oh, that's interesting. Oh, we are so borked. Oh, boy. We're in over our heads here, boys. This is not good. Wow. This is just like layer after layer of like...

What does it mean that he's an oni? Don't oni like steal kids and stuff? And eat them, depending on the lore. Onis are devils or demons? Oh, they're demons. They're ogres. They are. Well, they're magical ogres. Okay. Okay. But they are... I didn't know if they were devilish or demonic. Yeah, I didn't know. Well, they're yokai, which is like devil, I don't know. In D&D, they were called the ogre mage.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how. That's a run to session. Holy shit.

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