Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 3 | Let Them Eat Cake
02:06:29 Share

Welcome to Legends of Aventress! Chuckle's here and you're listening to Once Upon a Witchlight. Here's what happened last time. You found yourselves in significant amount of debt when Remigaroo decided to collect on what he believes he's owed you for the first time. Did something that you never thought you could. You went to the job board. It was there

that you found an old notice for one Madric Rosloth, a warlock that was looking for help finding his warlock patron, an archfey named Zibilna. He was offering treasures untold. And if you were to make your way to the Witchlight Carnival, there could be a way into the Feywild, into her realm of Prismir, where you could attempt to find Zibilna and confirm that she was safe and unharmed. Through a floral archway, you glimpse wondrous and vibrant creatures.

elf stilt walkers, dancing fairies, and painted performers. They know everything that happens here. The carnival can tell what your mood is and what the mood of the whole carnival is. If you can't pay the price, you can make a pack. But if you agree, I will tell you, those that make a ticket pack do have a better chance of becoming the Witchlight Monarch. You must declare your love for unicorns at every opportunity. Ha!

- I guess it's, I didn't really know that about myself either, but I really like unicorns. I really, I love unicorns. - Oh look, there's a carousel, look, look. Do you think they have unicorns there? - Zabilna is frozen in time. Three hags have seized control of Zabilna's domain. Together, these hags form the Hourglass Coven. Each hag is convinced her sisters are plotting against her. Good luck.

To the feasting orchard. Oh, who's she? Are you ready? I hope they have a children's menu. You stand before the entrance to the feasting orchard.

Looking in, music and mirth radiate from this park. The heady scent of flowers, mead, and berry pie waft through the air. Stilt walkers pluck fruit from trees. Musicians drum, pipe, and strum. And everywhere there's singing, dancing, and an inordinate amount of custard. - Yeah, look at that custard here. - Oh my gosh.

Custard? You hungry, right? Oh, I'm hungry. I mean, I don't think that's gonna fill you up. You know what I'm saying? I don't think dessert never really fills you up, and you always got room for it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll try, though. Let's just, uh, let's go ruin this guy's day. Wait, wait, before we go, does everyone have their Witchlight Carnival Admit One ticket? Of course. Who said you got your pumpkin? You think there's a ride in here? I think we're gonna ride...

the explosive aftermath of whatever we eat. Perhaps they've set up some sort of slide you can ride the custard down. That seems very, uh, on-theme. I think there might be custard wrestling. Oh, like a water slide. Or a... Ah, I got nothing. It's like a balloon! It's like that happens!

It has already begun. Yeah, some kind of custard slide is exactly what I was imagining, though I prefer to have some sort of protein or carb if they have it here. I don't know if they only serve custard. I look around to see if the custard is all they serve.

It's not. Looking around, you see that this small grove is encircled with these beautiful fruit trees. And they house fruits of vibrant colors and many different colors. Blues being the main color, but you do see purples, pinks, reds, oranges. And you see that there are hay bales.

placed here and there where people are sitting and eating different desserts, pies, treats of all kinds. You also see that there is, towards the very back, there is a stage with a bard who is performing music, a very rousing country tune.

And in front of that, there are four long tables where you see a multitude of people sitting and shoveling what appears to be some kind of

some kind of cake in their face, one cake after the next. Outside of this, it looks like it's a place to stroll around, enjoy some music, try some treats, and potentially enter into, I'll say you look to the side and you see a flyer that says the Fairy Cake Eating Contest. - Oh. They make cakes out of fairies here. That's wild. - It's a little gruesome. - You look at it and you see that it's a fairy-sized cake, so it resembles a cupcake.

Oh, yom. I don't know if I'm going to partake in the cake eating process. It's like a king cake, but instead of baby cheese, it's a fairy. Ha ha!

Oh, no. Oh, I found half of it. Oh, wow. There's so many more snacks than just the custard. I don't know why we all just hyper-focused on just this single delectable treat. The custard was just the most prominently colorful thing in the arena. I imagine I'm going to try a little bit of everything.

Oh, that's quite nice. Um, so everyone has their tickets? Tickets, tickets. I got mine. Okay, it would be very embarrassing if we made it to one ride and someone lost their ticket with the unicorns. Not again. Not again. You got your pumpkin? Okay.

It's time to feast. Do keep your ticket close to you. Do keep it. That happens about once a month. I always forget. Oh, for two keys!

How often I do keep and stuff, I mean that's all, that's all that's specific. I mean I-- He's screaming, he says it now! Perfectly grammatical, I see no reason why I can't start a sentence with "do keep." I fall onto the ground, clutching my sides.

A group of people stop and look over and you see that they start pointing at Gricko a little concerned, but no one makes any motion over to him. You see them whispering back and forth. Is he going to be okay? No, I know how Jackal's feeling. I think I'm going to get fed to death. If the laughing stops, then we'll have a medical emergency, but as long as you can hear the laughter, we're fine. We can hear the laughter. They walk away.

Gregor, do you want to see if there's any flavors of custard that attract you? Oh, that sounds quite nice. I spring up immediately.

- Oh man, let's do it. - You make your way and there's no one at the front of the feasting orchard that is looking for tickets. And as you mill about, you see that they're, the only thing that seems to be taking tickets is a spot at the fairy cake eating contest. But other than that, enjoying the music of the bard who appears to be a well-dressed and well-trained man

fairly capable gnome woman. You can enjoy the music easily as well as stalls that line the sides. There's a maze throughout the orchard if you wanted to go through and pick your own fruits. You can pick up a basket and do that. Doesn't seem to be any cost for that. But people are really milling about and enjoying themselves. This is a much quieter spot in the carnival. Oh, pistachios, Frosty! Is it for the custard, perhaps?

Oh, probably not. There is a really nice pistachio ice and iced custard. I will have some of your pistachio ice, please. And the fairy behind flitters her wings and she provides you a really beautiful, what almost looks like a glitter decorated large acorn that's piled high with a mint green pistachio custard. Oh, well, thank you. Mmm. Mmm.

Frosty, aren't you supposed to be the smart one? Where are you going with this, Grinkel? If we're all gonna compete eating fairies and cupcakes, then you're filling up on pistachios? It's very cold. It'll allow the cake to go down smoother because I'll have... You try your own strategy. Are you gonna use the custard as lubricant?

Yes. Usually they just dunk it in a glass of lukewarm water. That makes logical sense, Bricko, it's fine. Like the whole fucking thing? Oh yeah. Even though it's like made of bread? Oh yeah, it's so soggy. Have you never had eating contests in your villages? Goblins has all sorts of mostly rat eating contests, frog eating contests.

- Uh, rat frog eating contest. - Is all just wet? - It's just, I mean, we're in a bog, everything's kinda wet. - Is that just to see how long you can survive eating that? - Well, there's a lot of casualties, yeah. - Are the animals alive when you consume them? - About half of them. - Hmm. - Um, do you think if I asked that lovely bard lady to play Bird What Is Free, you think she knows it?

They never let you eat at the Orchard?

No, I had to eat at the staff station. Well, according to the map, it's called the staff area. Yeah.

It's been eight years, Crowley. They renamed it, probably. It used to be... Back in my day, it used to be the staff station, okay? It's always been called the staff area, this bugbear says as he walks past. Oh, hey, Jerry. Hey, Greg. Nice to see you. Been a while. We should catch up. Get an espresso or something, anyway. Yeah, I'll see you over by the gondola rides later, I'm sure. Okay, we'll take a nice gondola.

- A gondola ride, that'd be quite nice. - Yeah, it'll come by when I've got my break. - Okay, see you, Jim. - I'm gonna go get some food over in the staff area. - Okay, do they still have those soggy tuna sandwiches? - My favorite. - Yeah, me too. - I'm gonna have two. - Oh, could you sneak a couple for me if I still have room after the contest? - If I don't eat 'em on my way to the gondola ride. - Oh, okay.

See you later, Gricko. Goodbye, Jerry. He waves and heads on out. Nice fella. Nice lad, that Jerry. Nice lad. I feel like every guy you know is either Jerry or Jeremy. I mean, isn't that kind of a coincidence? Is the staff area as sticky and full of bees as I'm imagining?

Oh yeah, and hornets and wasps. Yeah, it just paints a picture doesn't it? And scorpions for some reason. You remember tumblers of spiders? Oh yeah, yeah, tumblers of spiders and I always thought, well is that, oh someone got into the fridge and they wanted to steal the Bullywugs lunch.

- They regretted it. - Miss, I finished my pistachio custard. It was delicious. Do I have to bust this acorn or do I, can I just leave it here? Do I keep it? What's the situation with the acorn cups?

You can keep it if you want or you can put it on the table with all of the empty acorn cups. Or I can fill it up with another dollop for you. We've got a lemon custard, watermelon custard, boysenberry custard, blueberry custard, cherryberry custard, cherriesberries custard, fortified berries custard. Excuse me?

- Crumbling Berry Custard, Wanton Berry Custard, Double Berry Custard, Double Trouble Berry Custard, Bubbling Bubble Berry Custard, Bubble Bubble Bubble Double Bubble Berry Custard, 14 Berry Custard, and...

- Milk berry custard. - Milk berries? - Be careful, Graco, I think she said poison berry. - All those berries and they don't have crunch berries. - Oh, we have granola berry custard. - I really should save room for the cake eating contest, but the sherry's berries.

- Well, I was gonna ask, what's the difference between cherry, do you do free samples? - Yes. - I would love to try the cherry berry custard and the cherries berries custard, please. - Okay. - And she pulls out two half pistachio shells and scoops up little custard. - Oh, how did you separate those? - With my teeth and she opens her mouth and she has razor sharp teeth. - Oh.

Oh, thank you. I'll just set my acorn down here. Yeah, it's all like tacky and salty. Frost, I mean, that's trash. Why do you have to ask the fairy what to do with it? Why do you have to ask the fairy? I didn't know it was like a collector's cup and free refills and whatnot. There's clearly a table filled with acorn cups right here. Oh, excuse me, young lady. May I bust a nut right here? LAUGHTER

That's not what I sounded like. That's not what I sounded like at all. "Oh, fuck, oh, Griggo. "Oh, my young lady, me eye busting, huh? "It's my mind." I'm going to go get in line with the fucking kitty. I shuffle off. Let's all move to the top.

- Okay, you free samples. - Oh yeah, so you have your free samples. - Oh. - They taste exactly the same. - Oh, man, there's very, very nice differences. I'm getting a note of plural in this one. - This tastes like more, so I'll have the cherries berries please. - I really taste the plural.

- Oh, and then because my daughter is, we need to not ruin her supper, she will have just simply the cherry berry 'cause it tastes like less. - It's a fat free room. - She'll fill up two acorns, one with cherries berries, one with cherries berries, and she hands them both to you. - Oh, thank you, thank you. - Oh, it's sherbet, ew. Sorry, here you go.

When you're holding both acorns like that, it looks like Jerry's berries. Jerry's berries? You're offered a lawn, Philstein. Ah, in fact. Oh, look at that. I decided to keep the acorn cup. You can wear it as a tasteful hat. It's a little too small for that. A very small hat. I'm just going to put it in my pack, and I'll decide what I want to do with it later. Okay. All right, let's go.

We go to the contest. You know many things that you can do. You enjoy your custard, your Sherry's Berries custard, and you make your way to the cake eating contest. The line moves quickly and you find yourself at the very front of it, getting your ticket punched by a small goblin wearing a

wearing a, what looks like a chef's hat that is colorized to look almost like a big top.

And he happily punches each one of your tickets and motions to where you'll take your seat as the bard up on the stage begins to play a rousing ditty on her lute. And booming out, you hear, Fairy Cake Eating Contest will begin in two minutes sharp. Make sure your tummies are empty. It's going to be a doozy. You heard the man, Frost.

Oh, don't. That's not funny. Oh, Frosty, here's some tall grass. Oh, perfect. This always gets his tummy nice and settled. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

No, I don't do that. I'm in it to win it and I've got pistachio custard in my stomach to soften the landing of how many cakes I'm gonna stuff into me. You see that there's a cute little wooden sign on each one of the tables, each one of the wooden tables with, you're sitting at rectangular wooden tables with benches.

- Like picnic tables. - Like picnic tables. The four of you are at one table and you see that there are quite a few people that are participating in this. So you have quite the competition to win this. And you see that each one of these tables has a little placard with the rules. There can be only one winner for the fairy cake eating contest.

You will be eating essentially fairy sized cakes. They're about cupcake size. They are glazed cupcakes filled with a dollop of berry custard. The goal is simple. Eat as many cupcakes as you can within 60 seconds. Should you get a custard coma, you are out. - Oh my goodness. - Custard coma. - 60 seconds is 10 rounds. We're gonna be able to eat loads of cake. - Custard coma, it sounds like how you win.

I just move a consolation prize. I feel like Kidd has an unfair advantage of this. He's like 40% fire. What is, I need each one of your constitution modifiers. Oh fuck. I'm a plus three, plus three boy. Okay, so your number is six. Three. Six. Six. Seven. You can eat that number before you start taking custard damage. Awesome.

Okay. Yeah, okay. Hold on. I think for this one, I'm gonna need to do the old, uh... the old popsicle trick. Gideon, if you would...

You can't mean you want me to unhinge you. Unhinge my dog, idiot! Take this shot! How many minutes you win it, how many minutes you beat Frosty? Just don't get hit in the body. Just know you're playing for second. You're playing for second?

How do you feel? I held back. Your jaw is barely hanging out. How do I look? Your face is already swollen. How do I look? You're missing three teeth. Oh, there they are. You're bleeding all over your shirt. Was that really worth it? I mean, like, even with that, my mouth is still, like, 82 times bigger than yours. Oh, yeah! Your face is so swollen that your number's now four. Oh, yeah.

On second thought, I may have let my desire for victory cloud my judgment. Yeah, wait a second. How are you actually going to chew now? Maybe he's just going to sneak them down.

- Oh, right, you were the water trick. - Oh, you need to do damage to Mike. - Oh, God, don't roll that 20 like that one time. - No, you don't have to roll for it. He asked you to hit him, you just roll damage.

- We'll see if it crits, right? - No, not yet. - We'll see if it crits, you know, just in case. - Almost, 17. - You look much more asymmetrical now, Brokaw. - Not a bad look. - All right.

Seven damage. That's like almost instead of my health. You did hold back. Okay, that's the nicest thing anyone said, playing for second. Thank you very much, Gideon. Are we only allowed to use one hand? So because you can use two hands, you can essentially eat two cupcakes a second, which means that you could potentially eat 20 cupcakes. Wow.

because there would be 10 rounds. So does that make sense to you? - Let's roll some dice. - Wait, no, I don't understand how it plays. - Okay, so you get, there are 10 rounds to this game. Each round, you could eat two cupcakes. You have to make a constitution saving throw to see if you are successful in eating those cupcakes.

You get a certain amount of cupcakes for free because of your constitution score. It's your constitution score plus three. So for Gideon, you get, or not rounds, you get cupcakes. You get six cupcakes for free. So the first three rounds. Seven for him. For you. Yeah, for everybody. Well, maybe not for Mike now. I'm debating that. Because his jaw has just been swollen and in pain. I think I'm moving Mike down to four. I don't know.

- Haven't you seen the hit film, "Anaconda"? - Okay, five. You get five. - I'm a lethal predator now. - So when we do the first round, there would technically be a roll, but because you're still within your con score, you just automatically succeed. And so you will succeed on rounds one through three for most of you.

And then going forward from that, you have to succeed on your rolls before you start taking Custard damage. - Ooh, got it, got it. - Okay, okay. - Do I get the sense that people are only allowed to tackle this non-magically? Like if I were to attempt to do something on myself, like guidance, for example, would I be breaking rules? - No, you, you,

You can see that people are doing things to bolster themselves. You can't cheat in the sense of like trying to create minor illusions that make it look like you've consumed things or... So if I were to use the cantrip that I have resistance, which allows me to add a D4 and add the number to a saving throw,

You could do that. I could do that. Yes. And there is, on the placard, it does give you information that you should prepare yourself. That's why they do the one-minute announcements. You can do whatever you need to do before the competition starts. I'll get punched in the face. What?

All right. I center myself. I'm ready. I bring my will to the floor. There is a no puking roll. Oh. Comas and regurgitation are an automatic out. I will pull a handkerchief out of my coat, stick it into my shirt. I'll take my jacket off and I'll roll my sleeves up. Oh.

Y'all ready to lose? Dress down, Grammy. Well, Gideon, she is so well going to lose. I'm not ready to lose. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Not that I would. I've seen you literally eat a horse, Gideon. It was one time. I was even hungrier. Remember that time we went on the Wacky Caper and it was just the four of us and a horse and we got lost in the desert?

I mean, when your dad spread out. You didn't do it. You barely shed it all, Gideon. He ate most of it. I asked you if you would summon that gorilla and serve up some bananas. You said no. I wanted you to eat the horse. We're running out of bananas. You know I can only do that so many times a day, Gideon. That was a narrow escape that we made, and I still have some of the glue.

You know, every time we see a horse, Frost is talking about glue. It's really odd. That's because glue is extremely useful in many different circumstances. How often are you using glue? Give me some glue. I mean, when we had the carnival, yeah, I mean, glue came in handy, but...

- What are you using? - Give me some glitter. - You do that and the glue is very fast acting. It glues the skin of your face together and now he's really big wrinkles and your eyes are pulled tight. - I'm ready for war. - And half of your mouth is swollen.

- All right, children, please do this. - Okay. - With that, you prepare yourself and you hear the voice boom out again. The contest has begun! - Prepare your mouths! - It's a different voice this time. - Already prepared! - And you see immediately Harry Potter style as

cakes appear on the table in front of you and they are piled high and you hear the ticking of a clock. It ticks down 10, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four. What's everybody else gonna eat? A small child passes out from excitement and you hear someone go, they're out! Oh wow. Finally a maze used maze tape. Three, two, one. Roar!

- So, all of you immediately succeed. - Can I just sideways like Tom? - Oh yeah! - All of you immediately succeed round one and round two. - Oh yeah.

So that's four cupcakes. That's four cupcakes. Okay. Gricko, you get the fifth cupcake, but I need you to roll a constitution saving throw on the sixth cupcake. Oh, not even close. Oh, I'm already full. Those cherry berries are so huge. Gosh, I shouldn't have picked the one that tasted like more. I should have picked the cherry berry. Oh, con saving throw, you say? Yeah.

- 16. - All right, you are able to pass. You are able to eat the sixth cupcake. Now, the next round goes by. You see that there are a few people that have already fallen into a custard coma. They're being flown away by phase as these fairies, as they flit about and move people away. There are these two large bugbears that are also carrying people away. Everybody's laughing and having a good time. There is cake.

everywhere. It is covering the floor, it is covering your bodies. I need Gricko, Frost, and Kremi to roll a constitution saving throw for the fourth round. - I'm also picturing the Lakito cloud from fuckin' Super Mario Brothers. - Do I feel if I, Nikki, Dungeon Mistress, I have a question. Do I feel like if I summon the aid of a large gorilla spirit,

that that would be considered cheating. - Yes. - It would also be your action, so you'd lose a round. - Oh, I should have done it beforehand. - That's why you had a minute. - I'm just gonna punch into fame. Can I bonus action and use my hungry jaws feature? - To do one more cupcake? Yes, but you'll have to roll for that one too. - That's no good.

- 20, so this is for round four. - That's your regular, so that no, we're on round six. - Okay, so we're-- - And you're trying to get-- - Round three. - Oh yeah, so we're round four, cupcake six. And so you're trying to squeeze in a seventh cupcake with your hungry jaws, so you need to roll twice. - Oh, all right. - It's for each additional cupcake beyond the limit. So we're in round three and he's getting his bonus action. - Round four. - So that should be cupcakes seven and eight.

Yeah, so we ate one, two, three, four, five, six. No, so you all got six automatically. Yeah. And so you're seven and eight. So you each, oh, you actually need to roll three times because you guys need to roll twice. Oh, so at six we roll and then at seven and eight. Crushed at 17. Okay. Yeah. So presumably I fail once. And then you need to roll one. I roll once.

Thank you. Thank you for being honest. Do we know what the DT is? No, not yet. Oh, okay. I'm going to add my default now. I rolled an eight and a 16. Okay, one of them fails. I'm just going to keep track of my fails now. 14. Okay, fails. 14 fails and another failure with a five. Oh, these are, wow. I'm sorry. I can actually play D&D, I promise. I swear. The first one was a 19. That failed.

- This one is a 10. - That fails. - I'd like to use my inspiration I got from flaming Derek to reroll my deck. - Absolutely you can. And what did you get, Mike? 20 and a what? - A 17. - Okay, those pass.

I think Rico's over here. What? Which is, slow and done, it's awful. That's your water technique he's working for. It's awful blue eyes. God! What are the consequences? What, I need to-- You got 10. I got 10. Oh, so you fail. So I have a fail, a fail, and a fail, yeah? Yeah, I have one fail. So each one of you needs to roll a d8. Oh, sure, this is gonna be a nightmare. Six.

- You take six custard damage. - Oh, I have six custard damage. - So that takes away from that actual damage, yeah. - Five. - What if I have resistance to custard? - You take five custard damage. - Four. - Four custard damage. - Wow. - All right, now we're moving on to round, you see that this round knocked out about half of the contestants. They are now half of the contestants down and you are, you're still feeling pretty good. You've taken some custard damage, but you are eight,

- One of you nine cupcakes in. And so we are moving on to the next round. I need you all to make two dexterity save or two constitution saving throws. - 19 and a 13. - 15 fails. - 15. - 15 passes. - Oh. - D8 for every fail. - 13, sorry, okay. I failed once and passed once. - Okay, so just keep track of your damage. - 15 and 18. - You've passed both of them. And what was your second one, Mike?

oh and you roll twice yes apologies natural 20. oh that was nice i'm telling you the jaw water technique is working please stop doing that anaconda remember was that anthony hopkins or was that like william h mason it was john voight it was john he regurgitated at the end and he gives him a little wink before he dies who took who took more uh

- Custard damage? - I took four damage. - Crummy, Frost, you are really starting to feel it. You can feel that wall rising up inside of you as if that custard wants to boil up. You're feeling kind of lightheaded. There's a magical,

to this cupcake and it's making you feel almost like there are bubbles in your brain. And you're just feeling a little bit loopy as the next round starts, they call out and it's time to shovel more cupcakes into your mouth. - How many are there? - You are on six. - 17, 18 and 21. - I've got a tracker, don't worry about how many along, just roll twice for me each round.

- If you keep track of that, that'll be easy. - 17 and 13. - 13 fails. - 20 and 21. - You pass. - Wow. - 15, 14. - 14 fails. - 18, 21. - You pass. So Gideon, Gricko, you both take some Custer damage. So roll a, is this your first time taking Custer damage? - Yeah, second. - His first. - Okay, and first. - So what do I take? - You take a D8 worth of Custer damage. - Five damage.

And make sure you calculate it on your health. Yeah. Okay. Do I feel like using a bonus action for a word would be cheating? You feel like that would be cheating. How would you get the word out anyway? I had a really funny idea. I had a really funny idea.

- All right, you're feeling pretty good. The three of you have taken two rounds of custard damage at this point. And you're feeling like the more that you take, the harder it's going to be to withstand it as the next round starts. I need you to roll two constitution saving throws, please. - I ate too fast. I shouldn't have used hungry jaws. - Fail. - 19 and 16. - Pass. - I got a double fail. - 15 and 24.

- Pass. - Five and five. - 16, 19. - You pass. Kremi, you are really struggling. You were convinced going into this that being an alligator was going to benefit you. - This is what happens when you change your arch. - You are actually, you are not rolling D8s any longer, you're rolling D10s. - Oh. - Well, okay. - Well, I gotta hurt you now.

Oh, I just like tripled the damage that I just rolled. That might just take me out. Oh, I'm straight dead. Straight dead from Custer damage works like old school McCrotic. If you drop down to zero, you're just dead. I'm not dead, but I got one hit point. Okay.

You are really struggling. As you shovel these fake cupcakes into your mouth, you can feel the custard at the back of your throat. You can feel it coating the very back of your tongue. You feel like there's almost no way you can get any more cupcakes down, but there can only be one winner. You're not even sure what the prize is, but you must win this. You're an alligator, folks.

- Was it a gator or a croc that was in the Disney animated film, Peter Pan? - It's crocodile. - Crocodile. - There's that moment where the clock gets stuck in his throat and it's like juggling up and down. - Exactly. - You see a full cupcake that is just moving up and down in Crummy's throat. And with that, we're moving on to the last three rounds as I need you to roll two more. - Okay. - Don't forget, you guys have twists.

Who needs twist when you're rolling hot fire? That's fair. So I'm going to roll one at a time. 20 and seven. Seven fails. So that's my second time. And that's your second. Yep. Okay, 19. Okay. You are able to get it down. You swallow this cake and it knocks the other one down into your throat with a, or into your stomach with a thump. That's 20. No!

You are able to push through. They're bumper-carring down. They're just pushing each other down and down. I learned this from the constrictor snakes. They're native to my swamp.

They invent to have a taste for Jon Voight. Gideon. 18 and 24. You are able to make it through. I think the DC is probably going up. 16 and 19. You are able to bet. Hot diggity dog. Oh.

I mean, yes. Excellent. It feels like you're slowing down. It feels like time is slowing down, but it's not. You're able to glance around and you see that, oddly enough, you are the only table that still has all members standing. There's one table off to the side that has two people. The other ones have either none or one left. There are maybe 15 people left in this entire thing and there were...

80 when it started. It is down to the final two rounds. I need you to make two more constitution savings. - What was gonna do you proud Hootsy? And this crumbs all over my face. - It's custard's last stand gentlemen. - 17 and a natural 20. There's my five. So first cupcake in this round,

I will instantly die. You could always roll a zero. You watch as Cremi opens his mouth. He puts the cupcake in. He closes his jaws, his eyes. Your brain feels bubbly and effervescent. And you begin to see colors and pink dancing elephants. And you feel like you're in a...

strange movie from the 1970s. What do they put in these? As you begin to spin and feel very dizzy as you collapse into a custard coma. And like the last cupcake is still just like in the back of my throat. Andy's out!

And a bugbear comes over and lifts Kremi up and begins to carry him over to what looks to be this nice plush, like almost hay bed, bedded area where they've been placing all of the unconscious people. Can a fairy like crawl into his mouth and like start? Yeah, they begin to shovel the Kremi out. I'm worried about Kremi, but I'm gonna win.

No, I got fairy EMTs, don't worry, don't worry. Hey, you're gonna finish those? Oh, no doubt, for crimes! All right, and the rest of you? 22 and 26. Oh, 17 natural, oh, 19 and 24.

You are all able to, there is only one more round left and you look around, you see you were the only three people still sitting at this point. The onlookers are cheering. You see people looking a little bit nervous because for the most part, aside from Frost a little bit, you look pretty hearty and there can only be one winner. - It's mind over cupcake, Gideon. - I only have one question for you. - Yes?

What do you want to get to eat after this? Bananas. I can go for a banana. I'm not only going to win, I'm going to look good doing it. He's on.

I need to loosen my sash.

A hush falls over the crowd as the announcer calls out for the final round. I need you to roll these individually. Yep. I've only been rolling one die. I only have one die. Fuck. Do I have an inspiration? We all hit the road bump on that one. Yeah. Twelve.

I get a five. Six. You all fail. As you go to put the cupcake in your mouth, all of the shit-stirring you've been doing at each other, but more so just the look on Gricko's face makes this really unappealing. I think the cupcakes are doing more of the shit-stirring. Just Gricko's face in general makes it difficult to swallow these cupcakes.

As you try to swallow this one down, you will take 1d12 worth of custard. - Oh my goodness. - On the final round. - Yeah, you're on the end game. - I cannot fail this next one. - I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. -

I actually kind of like them better when they sting a little. I think there was a fairy in mind. Oh, you love the staff area. We are all still standing. Yeah, oh yeah. Oh my God. The crowd is, it's almost a strange silence as everyone watches us

watches on. The only thing that pierces the silence is the occasional sound of retching from a small child that clearly had too many cupcakes. Amateur! I take my tail. As everybody watches with bated breath to see what will happen next as the announcer calls for the final cupcake and you watch as the tray that had been on your table that is, you don't have it yet, the tray that had been on your table

was covered in crumbs and bits and pieces of custard. It is now completely removed and cleaned as-

A cupcake appears in front of each one of you. This one is pristine. It is beautiful with a golden shimmering frosting. A delicate, what almost looks like a cherry, but with these iridescent luminous wings that sprout out from the stem that perches on the very top of it is the most perfect berry, most perfect cherries berry that you've ever seen in your entire life. It almost looks like a carved statue.

You need to eat this thing. I need you to roll a constitution saving throw. - I will not be able to blink these away 'cause my eyelids are peeled open and my eyes are very dry, yet still tears will come down Gricko's face as he views this perfect cupcake. It's like it's from a Wes Anderson movie. It's beautiful.

I need you to roll your constitution saving throw, please. You bastards, hold on. You gotta charge it up. I take a 10. You realize you can't close your eyes as you fall into the corner. Can you please let me describe that? No, I'll let you do it. And what did the two of you get? 21. 21. 21.

- Oh my God! - And with that, Frost, Gideon, you stare at each other as you shovel the cupcake into your mouth.

You are able to get it down. Gricko, you go to pick it up, but you are almost hypnotized by the beautiful golden iridescent glittery frosting on top of this thing. It's so symmetrical. As you feel yourself fall unconscious, your eyelids, however, cannot close. They're glued open and you fall face first into this cupcake. Oh.

splattering it across the table. Gideon, Frost, you're covered in Gricko's cupcake. As you swallow down yours, the crowd cheers as Gricko is actually carried away by Hootsie, who takes him up by the scruff of his neck and carries him over next to Crummy.

The rest of you, the crowd begins to then settle as everyone looks around. There can only be one winner, but that's the final round. An announcement comes out booming loudly. There can only be one winner. It will be a final death round. Prepare yourselves. In one minute time. What do you think that means? In one minute time, we will have...

Frost in the blue corner and Gideon in the purple corner. They think they poisoned the cupcakes? It's just how long we last. It's like that time Griggo was eating in the swamp all those poisoned rats. It's just how long they last. And you have one minute to prepare yourself for the final round of this. This is suddenly a lot more like our own carnival. I focus my mind...

I attempt to suppress the feeling of extreme fullness. I go deep into myself and summon my pure will, and I cast resistance on myself. I, uh, I belch loudly, and something mechanical. You probably got something. I got something. Indomitable. Level 3, you got that right. What is that? It's like level 7. Uh...

Second wind. I gulch loudly and clear up a little bit of space. Oh, not bad. My robes are hanging off, I'm all disheveled. You can see my big tiger belly lolling distantly out. You don't notice this as you're focused, but... I need that fucking grass. These adorable little pixie medics in cute candy striper outfits are administering...

a healing taffy to all of the people who had undergone the custard comas. And it is during this one minute time that Gricko and Cremie are able to come out of their custard coma. And all of the people who had failed in this have now gathered around you. The other picnic tables have been moved out of the way. The female halfling bard is playing a raucous jam. And she is, it is definitely terrifying.

Bird what is free. It's the 14 minute version. It is the 14 minute version of bird what is free. And everybody is in pure suspense as they watch the two of you stretch and work your magics or your mind abilities to be able to overcome the task that is about to be set in front of you. As you begin to hear the ticking of a clock.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And in front of you, and you're set at separate tables at this point. In front of you, you expect to see a cupcake appear, but instead the table itself transforms into a cupcake.

a cupcake that is taller than Gricko. Getting close to around four feet tall, you hear a loud, booming voice. "You have one minute to consume the final cake and win the match. It is all or nothing, friends. We'll have one winner this day or we'll have none. Let the clock count down." And you hear the ticking of a clock. "I need you both to roll a constitution saving throw."

- This isn't fairy cupcake, it's very cupcake. - It's the final game. - Are saving fairies ability checks new? - Believe in for very long. - 14, 14. - What did you get, Frost? - 24. - Frost, you look at this, you focus, you are intelligent. You deconstruct this cupcake.

All right, the hardest part is definitely going to be all of the more dry parts of the cake itself.

And if you wait to do that last, it's going to make it much more difficult. But if you consume all of the frosting, or if you consume that first, you might not be able to get to the frosting. However, if you make sure to take equal bits frosting and cake in the perfect ratio, it's going to be much easier to get this down. So unlike Gideon's attempts where he just plows into this thing, you take equal...

You take equal handfuls of this and eat it in the perfect cupcake ratio. And you are able to get down one fifth of this cupcake in the first portion. Gideon, you are able to as well, but you are going to take a D12 worth of damage. - Oh, the very cupcake damage. - The very, very cupcake damage.

This is intense. It's like a box wife. It should be 1D20. You're just like, no? All right. Yeah, shut up. All right. You're dead. I'm dead. You're dead on a hit. You're conscious now. You're watching this happen. Oh. You were given the taffy tonic and you were able to. It comes in my eyes.

Can you help me? And there is. I got crumbs down my shirt. There's crumbs in my eyes. You gotta go in and glue your eyes up. Can you help me with that thing that you do? And I just start snapping at him. I just start like, fucking going for his face. Does that help? Oh.

Oh, Krilo. Oh, I should have labeled my bottles with stones and frosting. Frost doesn't even look your way as he's eating cupcakes as he points his hand over. It's more glue, Grickle. It's too late. This happens about once a month. What is this?

- That's oddly specific. - Why do they have a dropper bottle that looks exactly like Leroy? And it's also glued, it's very superfluous. - So, I don't even know who's in it, if Crammy who's in it, but I don't even know. - Play Birdwood is free! - Oh, she already is? Well, that's good. - All right, I need you to roll another constitution saving throw, please.

I'm using the one that was a natural one before to redeem itself. Outstanding. You son of a bitch. 20. 11. Oh! All right. As you call out to Gricko, that's the glue, you mix up your ratios and you fill your hand with one that is just way more cake than it should have been.

and you feel the dry cake coat the inside of your throat. It is very, very difficult to swallow. I need you to roll a d12 from your hand. I'll stay focused. You fool. The essence is the best part. Oh, thank god. These bites were calculated, but gods, am I bad at math.

I have three hit points left. All right, I need another constitution saving throw. Oh yeah, go, who's ever winning? 21. 23.

At this point you see that there appears to be, you've gone three out of, about three fifths of the way through this gigantic cupcake. - Man, this is making me hungry, I'm gonna get some skewers. - This is one of the most difficult things that you have ever done and you have punched a clown to death. - Well, that was easy. - That was fairly an inconvenience. - I don't even mean to do that.

It was so easy, it just fell over. I don't even think I connected. I need you to make another constitution saving throw. Suddenly we're at the pig farm. Laughing ended. Think like the pig farm. 23. 14. Oh. That's gotta be it. You...

You feel as you're making your way through this, that the way that this had been baked, it had been placed on the rack unevenly and you hadn't accounted for that part of the equation. Where you had been pulling the cake from was the more moist parts of the cake. And now that you're down towards the bottom, it's clearly significantly more dry down here and you don't have the frosting to counteract how dry the bottom part of this cake is.

How ironic that Frost would be without Frost. And if only you had a nice glass of milk, or if you'd saved some of that custard. But you don't. I need you to roll a d12 for me, please. Alright, I have a 1 in 6 chance of dying, or of surviving this. I am dead as a fucking doornail. Oh my god, cake explosion!

- Oh, death round indeed. - And with that, you watch as Frost looks like that meme with all of the mathematical symbols all over the place as he's trying to shovel cake into his throat. As all of a sudden his head begins to swirl, you see two bluebirds spinning around his head as he falls over backwards in a custard coma. The crowd goes wild as Gideon, I need you to roll a constitution saving throw. - And I'll just show 'em all.

- 17. - As you are able to finish the entirety of the giant cupcake. - Yeah, he's already dead, he can stop! - Like one Maraschino chicken. - The crowd goes wild! And we have a winner! A pixie comes over to you and lifts your arm into the air as she hands you a sack of, um,

as she hands you what appears to be, or what is a paper bag filled with more cupcakes. - Oh yeah. - Because the sack itself is decorated, it says fairy cake eating contest winner.

and it is decorated in a beautiful gold lettering. And the cakes in there seem to have a magical hue to them. - Oh. - And instead of just one cupcake, because you were able to eat the gigantic cupcake and you went into the death round, there are four cupcakes in there.

There are actually five cupcakes in there. - Oh, yes. Is this the kind of establishment where you get your photo on the wall when you eat the giant cupcake? - Oh, ask about the t-shirt. Ask about the t-shirt, Deacon. - Oh, do I also get a nice commemorative t-shirt? - Sure. And so she flies off and comes back with a fairy sized t-shirt. - Put him on the wall, a very beloved lad.

- I put the t-shirt on, I look like the tooth fairy from Fairly Odd Pair. - And you have your butterfly wings on. - Yeah, I cut spaces in for my wings. - And you do see that they have someone come over and paint your picture as they take it over to the cupboard of Cupcake Chads and they put your face up there.

- I'm a cupcake. - Cake chain. - What an absolute cupcake chain. Well done, Gideon. We all knew it was gonna win. - I feel like the king of cakes. - But you know, you know, Crummy, it's nice in this day and age to just not have my expectations get subverted. You know? - Yeah, I mean, that's a good point. - It's just nice to have just, you know, what you expect to happen, some nice good fun.

Do I have to roll a death saving throw? You do not. Oh, that's extremely dead! One of the candy striper pixies flies over to you and gives you some taffy tonic and you're able to... Your health goes back to normal, so you're back to max health. And you were... You...

you feel that you have done something that is truly, truly impressive. People are whispering about not just you, Gideon, though your name is the one that's spoken of the most, but all of you. That the fact that an entire table of people lasted that long was impressive and then that

It's been, they can't even remember when the last time they brought out the giant cupcakes were. And that it is Mr. Witch and Mr. Light are going to be very happy to have heard what has happened here. And the happiness meter goes up by one. Oh! Who see, did you hear that? Cupcakes for everyone! Uncle Gideon won that for you! Hey, you guys can make that happen, right? I can't back that up. Gideon. Oh, wait. Well fought.

Well eaten. Yes, I see you have cakes to go. Yeah, I was surprised. I almost ate all of them, but I think they're magical, so I might say something. And I will say, you do see... Your cakes have gotten significantly larger. As you walk, they're clapping together. Ha ha ha!

- Oh, is Kruzy Dave here? - No, that's just Frost. - Oh. - You notice that there is a small piece of parchment inside of your cupcake bag and it tells you essentially what these are. Each one of them functions like a potion of invisibility.

You must consume the entire cupcake to gain the benefits, but you'll get the benefits of the potion of invisibility. - We got five potions of invisibility out of that? - Mm-hmm. - Ooh, that sounds simple. - It was supposed to only be one, but there was no death round in the book. - Yeah, you had to invent that. - So I just invented a death round and figured that. - Well invented. - That was well done, well done. - Thank you. - That's fat free, right?

Now, Ged, are you going to keep track of that in your inventory on D&D Beyond so we don't lose track? I'm already writing it down in my book. Yeah, but I mean, we're going to forget about that page if it existed. And then we'll be like, oh, didn't we get those potions? And we're like, I don't know. I brought a different notebook this time. I mean, you know, when is it ever even going to be relevant? Probably that we can go invisible. Do you want to put them in my backpack? No. Listen, at the end of the day, they're cupcakes. I'll hang on to them. It's a big fucking backpack. Yeah, well, this is, you know, I'm just...

Hang on to him. Frost. Yes. First of all, I'm sorry you lost. With the second winner.

Well, that's also the first loser, so... You hear loudly over the whatever sound system there is, there can only be one winner here at the Fairy Cup, the Fairy Cake Eating Contest, and the next round starts soon. I'm pretty sure that the first loser was that fucking kid. Yeah. What an amateur chuckle fuck.

Anyways, it seems it's happened again, Frosty. Oh, you need antidote. One moment. Hold your hand out. There you go. You just drop those right into the eye. It's in your hand now. Oh, was it?

Why is it all jelly-like? Well, a little custard got in there, but I think it'll be fine. That's all I have left. Don't do this again, or it will be permanent. Do you want maybe a fairy wing in there, too? Is that supposed to be like that? It's a little crunchy, too. Am I supposed to put this on my eyes? Yes. I mean, the glue's on your eyes, right?

Don't do that. I don't know what that's made out of. Mineral spirits and acetone. Now I want to taste it even more, but fine. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Yes, we've done this month after month His screams when he does it like an old friend to me Oh, he's she again. Welcome back. Thank you. Well, I am extremely full We didn't even have lunch

Well, who wants to go on the dragonfly rides? I feel like fast turning movement is a terrific idea. I know! I've always wanted to do the dragonfly rides, even though I'm filled with cupcakes, and I am quite actually looking forward to that soggy tuna sandwich that Jerry's bringing. How close are the dragonfly rides from here? Well, I mean, we're here, right? We're at the Feast in Orchard. All we have to do is go right over here to the dragonfly rides. Do you think we can handle it?

- Well, I love the sound of dragonfly rides. Do we feel still nauseous and full? - No, the taffy tonic has completely, you actually feel like you could probably eat some more if you wanted to. You're not hungry, but you definitely don't feel full. - I don't plan on eating lunch or dinner tonight.

But if Gideon, you're still hungry, you could grab a bite on the way out. All right, well, we'll see what they have. One turned down now. I've got to say, I'm in the mood for something savory. That's what I was going to say. I can't do sweets anymore. Yeah, no, I'm done with sweets. Some nice mutton.

- You see that there is, I mean, it's easy to see from here through the trees that along the path, there appears to be a stand that sells an assortment of meats. There are pickles on a stick, steak on a stick, tick on a stick. - Ew.

No one's for you, Graco. Who? Stick on a stick. Well, no, is it filled or is it just kind of empty? The tick? Filled. Oh. I'm really feeling a Scotch egg, though. Filled with what? You imagine that they have other things you could always ask. Like a little blood poplet, like a cherry tomato. You want to tick with blood?

I mean, they had to-- That's actually how it's announced. Tick on a stick with "blued." Thanks, Balderon. Did somebody say "blued"? I mean, you gotta understand, Crammy, that there's a lot of goblins that work here and also in attendance. I mean, this is very common.

Common fare at a goblin fair. I mean, he eats live rats. I feel like this is the least weird thing he eats. Yeah. It's like, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if we could go to the mole here. Go to the what? You said the mole? Oh, yeah, the mole. It's in the center of the village. They put like a big mole in the ground, you know, like a hammer.

Oh, like a big, heavy... Alright. Yeah, and there's all sorts of weird shit that goes on there. Hopefully they don't have it, actually. This is a child going home. Maybe there's an adult section to the carnival? Ooh, like behind a giant curtain, and then like that creepy guy, he smells kind of weird, goes behind me, he's like... Yeah, I mean, it's closed space for parents, where they can relax without their kids. Yeah.

Where do they leave the kids? Just like in the carnival? Yeah, just... What are they going to get up to? There's no danger here. Besides all the goblins walking around. As you walk by a sign that shows missing children. Oh, that one's got a kid! Oh, that one's got a kid!

Oh! Last seen 17 years ago. Poor! Poor! Oh gosh, the name is faded. Alright, I wanna ride some dragonflies. Me too! I've always, I've been wanting to ride the dragonfly rides for eight years!

Just give me one of every type of meat that you have on a stick, except for the tick, and I'll be on my way. Yeah, sure, if it's what you want. Can it be all on one stick? That's going to be a really big stick. Just slide them all down.

Okay. And you watch as this goblin walks towards the back, and this is bordering on the orchard, and rips off a branch from one of the trees with an unusual amount of strength, and begins to just stick bits of meat on all of the protruding limbs from this branch. You've got pieces of beef, there are pieces of horse, there are pieces of alligator, sorry.

Buffalo, bison, basically any meat that you could possibly imagine. And one pickle. But you notice that when they go to get the pickle, completely forgetting that you'd asked for only meat, they open this jar with a label on it. They quickly look around, rip the label off, tuck it into their pocket, and then they pull the pickle out and put it on one of the sticks. And then...

I think they're reselling... ...pre-made pickles. Are those like, broochy store pickles they got back there? Yeah, fucking Vlasic pickles. There's a very smug-looking stork over there.

Excuse me, good lad. How are you today?

I'm doing well. How are you? Are you enjoying the carnival? Yes, me and my daughter are enjoying the carnival, and our carnival would be made even better if we could enjoy two corn frogs. Oh my god! Are you the guy that you just won the... Whoa! How'd you know that? There's a cake chat on.

Was he my monogram tube top? You look so good in the cake chat shirt. Oh, well, you know, it just fits so comfortably. Can I get your autograph? Oh, sure. I may have it for a fan. Yeah, absolutely. Can you write, can you just, can you just write it on me? Uh-huh. Am I...

Are you a child? Uh-huh. I'll just write it on this sheet of paper. Oh, okay.

Can you write? Can you put my name on there? Oh, right. It says two kid. No, it says four kid. Learn to read. Did you that here? They just put you right behind the meat station? T-O spells two. What? Where does it say T-O? Have I forgotten how to write?

Oh, you put the letter four on there. I know how to make my mark. I know how to make my mark. I thought that part of the four was the T and then that was an O. It's fine. It's a common mistake with my signature. When you log a special message from the cake chat. My name's Duncan. Oh, okay. For Duncan. Yeah.

You know, I read in some books that there's land, mystical land in the mist, Barovia, and apparently runs on Duncan, so maybe you could go visit someday. Maybe don't. They harness his life energy. It's with a K and not a C. Oh my god, my fans. Gideon, you're forgetting the traditional... No, no, no, the D is still there. I put the D.

It's great. Now you're forgetting the traditional haiku that you normally offer. That was one time. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Can we sidebar a little bit? Duncan? While we sidebar, can we get two corn frogs, please? Thank you very much. Duncan, here you go.

You have to go again. You didn't put your name on it again. I did say Cake Chad for Duncan. Well, that's not your name. I'm going to cherish this forever. I can't wait to tell my mom. Oh, yeah. I tried to compete last year, but I passed out in round two. Yeah, same. Listen, you just keep eating cake, Duncan. You keep eating cake as much as you can. I wish you were my dad. Well...

That's a weird thing to say. My dad's dead. Oh, no.

Anyway. Anyway! That's what my mom said, but she actually just kicked him out. He lives down the road. Oh, okay. Yeah, like over by the gondola rides. Oh, like in the car. He's like a squatter? No, he's one of the witchlight hands. Oh, that's how you...

You know, it's very strange. I thought you were a dog, and now I apologize. I'll still have two corn frogs, please. Yeah, speaking of, which light hands can you put yours to? Do you want them popped or fried? Fried to the meat. Who's you going to go with fried? Can I get one of what Frosty got, but times two?

- Is that possible? - All right, and you see that he chugs a quick potion and he walks over to one of the trees and you see the tree has regrown those branches. He rips off the same branch with that unusual strength and begins to pile it with a bunch of different meats. And once again, he opens that jar now with the label gone, but you can still see the splotches of glue where the label had been, the sovereign glue that had held it on there as he pulls out a pickle and sticks one and then two on there for you.

In the meantime, you hear the popping sizzling sounds of the corn pop. - Corn frogs. - Corn frogs, which are these splayed out frogs that have been battered in corn flour and have been stuck into a vat of bubbling oil. And then he realized, oh, you wanted pop nut fried?

No, I'm gonna fry, no, fry both of these. Oh, great, 'cause I started frying them. And he grabs them and some of the oil drips down and burns his hand. He's like, "Ah, shit!" And he drops one on the ground. He just picks it up, dusts it off, and hands it to you. Don't worry about that, Hootsy, that'll be yours. You don't care either way. You eat off of the ground very animally. Oh, look, it's a cute-- I'll treat my daughter very well. I'll treat us all-- My mom always says she wishes she'd had a daughter.

Oh. How often does she say that, Duncan? Every morning when I get up and she looks at me and she says, wake up, I wish I had a daughter. Can we get away from this depressing period? LAUGHTER

Duncan, how many saucers do you have? We don't need saucers. I mean, it's just a little try. Have you ever had a corn frog without saucers? Just take the hot mustard and let's get the fuck out of here. I'm gonna kneel with my own hands.

- I'm watching, though, Frosty, why are you rushing me? What a nice day at the carnival. - I'm done with my stick. - All right, sauces, what do you got? How many sauces? - We've got quite a few sauces. We've got a chili pepper sauce. We've got a habanero ketchup. We've got a habanero ranch. - Okay. - We have a buttermilk ranch. - Okay. - We have a honey milk ranch. - Okay, ooh, do that.

a sweet and sour okay we have sweet and sour mustard okay we have sweet and sour honey okay we have sweet and sour ketchup okay sweet and sour ranch okay we have sriracha we don't know where it comes from but it's in this cool red a bottle with a chicken on it okay some people say it's a rooster but i'm pretty sure it's a chicken okay looks more like a duck to me huh okay nothing oh okay

- Oh, you wanna know the rest of them? We have a soy sauce. - Okay. - We have a berry sauce. - Okay. - We have a mango compote. - Okay. - We have a pico de gallo. - Okay. - Which is not really a sauce. It's more like a salsa. And speaking of salsas, we have a salsa verde. - Okay. - A salsa. - We have a mild, medium, and hot. - Okay, okay, okay.

We have regular mustard. Okay. We've got yellow mustard. Okay. Dijon mustard. Okay. Hot mustard. Okay. Cajun mustard. Okay. Old bay mustard. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. And you see as he grabs it, you see the old bay is scratched out, and it says ancient estuary mustard. The hour marker goes up one. They changed the name recently. Okay.

- We have maple syrup. - Okay. - Ooh. - We have blueberry compote. - Okay, I think you already said that, okay. - No, no, we had mango compote. - Okay. - We have a raspberry jam. - Okay. - Is there maybe a sauce you-- - We have raspberry jelly. - You enjoy it. You could add some. - Oh, I know what, everything is available to me. - We have malt vinegar. - Okay. - Red wine vinegar. - Okay. - Apple cider vinegar. - Okay. - Balsamic vinegar. - Okay.

Balsamic vinaigrette. Okay. Italian dressing. Okay. Thousand Isle of dressing. Okay. Caesar dressing. Okay. You got French dressing. No. We're all out. You all have French dressing? Yeah. Oh, that's what I wanted.

*laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *laughter* *Line* *Line* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *Liner* *liner* Liner* *Liner*

This kid is depressing. Please leave! Thanks for nothing, kid. You only have a friend to dress. Let's get out of here. Okay, off to it. We're gonna go raise some dragonflies. Sorry about your depressing life.

Yeah, it was nice meeting you. I've never been able to ride one of the dragonflies. Have fun. Never have I. We're going to go enjoy that now. You can live valkyriously for all our adventures. I'll just be here serving people meat on a stick. Oh, shit. One of the ticks popped. And he's going to... Ah!

Oh, I got blood all over my leg! Oh, it's our worst friend, Sickly Sam! Oh, it's our worst friend, Duncan! What a buzzkill! All I wanted was to open my own donut shop. Whoa, do you make good donuts? No. Oh god, please, no. Please!

This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Avantris and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign set on the high seas shroud over salt marsh. You can also go to the crooked moon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, the crooked moon, a folk,

a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition. And don't forget to snag all of the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. We're walking away from the saddest child in the world. So you're walking away from Duncan, and you're making your way towards the dragon fly rides? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm so excited. I've been wanting to go on these dragonfly rides for eight years. I always heard them. And I mean, how did I get them so big? I've never seen this. It's got to be special Feywild. I'm going to ask the handlers every question. I hope you don't mind. That's fine. Was it just me or was that kid very depressing? I mean, yeah, he was a depressing kid. I mean, I'm starting to wonder if any of this is actually related to the Feywild. If they're just, you know...

They're just trying to sell us the Feywild and it's all just, you know, tricks. Those seem a little weird. I feel like a couple of the people we've talked to now have really turned out to not be enjoying their time here. I guess we did talk to a centaur that was cursed and we had a

a magical, a table turned into a giant cupcake. Crammy, are you sure you're not projecting the fact that our carnival was a bunch of tricks and was a sham? That you think that this carnival is tricks and a bunch of shams? I don't know why you would even bring that up. I don't know why you would go there. Of course that's not why I bring it up.

That kid was just a fucking downer. I mean, I don't know, I expected the Feywild to be a little more, you know, pleasant and happy, right? Like, you know, like bubblegum and sprinkles. Perhaps we've just had a couple exceptions to the rule and the rest of this will feel very Feywild. But I feel bad for Duncan. That's what happens when you dump Khan. What? What?

He dumped Constitution. He couldn't complete the cake-eating contest. Oh. I mean, Kong should never be a dumpster. Exactly my point. That's probably why his daughter is disappointed. Yeah, he really sucks at building characters. He's not much of a pro-gamer, is he? Yeah. I think he's failed to always be a... What did he call it? It was like a companion. Isn't there an alternate rules for hired companions? Anyway...

Dragonflies! Wow! Very nice! You make your way to the dragonfly rides. Huge lily pads rest on the surface of a pool, glistening with phosphorescent algae. Giant dragonflies use the lily pads as landing platforms, buzzing loudly overhead with wings as brilliant as stained glass windows, and alighting briefly to drop off and pick up excited passengers. Near the entrance...

A smiling tree turns your way and beckons you over. A red squirrel clings to its leafy canopy, peering at you with glee. This is a tree and a squirrel that you have seen before. We got seeds to catch? The tree beckons you over. That was a squirrel? What do you mean that was a squirrel? I totally missed that when we played the last session. I thought it was like a little...

Little gnome or something. Is this Gripple talking or Mikey talking? I don't know. I don't know. My gripple reality is starting to fray! Who's Mikey? Oh my god, there's a man in the sky! This is the job of this. I can see the man in the moon! You can see us pointing up from the map. It's like Oster's Wrath.

No, it was a little red squirrel. Oh, sorry. I was throwing seeds down for that tree guy. I was thinking a lot about Chuckles. Hello there, do you have any more sycamore seeds? You're talking to the squirrel? I approach, and I stepped on Gideon's line. I didn't say anything of the other way. No, say it again. I think his name was Red. Oh, Red. Yeah, my name's Red. Wow, are you Red? Hi, it's nice to see you again. Great to see you. Are you handing out prizes again? He's rushing, like...

all over the street going everywhere. "Nope, don't have any more seats. We're done with the one hour welcome guests and now we're just hanging out here by the dragonfly rides and everyone's going up and down the dragonfly rides and there are lily pads everywhere and it's been so much fun and everybody's laughing. It only costs one ticket so if you decide you want to ride, it'd be really great. You can just go over there and give your one ticket and you can fly on a dragonfly and you can go all over the place."

And then you hear, hey, Red, calm down, man. Are you that serious? As the tree starts to talk to you. Do I remember the name of the tree? He never told you. He was too busy throwing out his seeds. Red, why don't you take a nap, bro? Just chill. Wow. You're harshing my vibe. Oh.

Is there any kind of liquor around that we could get your friend to sort of settle him down? Nah, you don't want to give Red any liquor. He's already worked up. How much coffee has he had? Doesn't stop drinking it, man. Oh. Do you need some coffee? Nah, I'm feeling pretty great. You look a little sleepy. I'm always sleepy. That one hour of the welcome party, man, it gets me.

You guys done for the rest of the night? We hang out here and just make sure everything's going all right with the dragonfly rides. Oh. Is there a lot of oversight on the dragonfly rides? What do you mean? Like, I mean, is it dangerous? Nah. How could it be dangerous, Gideon? It's beautiful, harmless, gigantic monsters of dragonflies. Yeah, totally with this guy, sir. You fly through the air a little bit. I mean, you know, you come significantly off the ground.

There won't be any protective bubbles to keep us suspended. Nah, if you want a protective bubble, you've got to go over to the teapot. Have we known each other for years and all didn't know you had a fear of heights? Oh, fear of heights, all right. I'm just saying, you know, I have a fear of falling from heights. So how are you guys liking the carnival so far?

He done a lot of cool stuff. Ha! Look at you! I see you've noticed. You're a cupcake, Jack. Well, if you want my signature, I, you know, I... Yeah, no, this cupcake's got two cherries on top. I don't need your signature, bro. It's got two cherries on top. Congratulations, though, friend. That's pretty rad. Yeah, it was pretty great. Frosty put up one hell of a... Well...

Well, he participated, but of a faint. Hey, you know what they say, there can only be one winner at the cupcake, or at the fairy cake eating contest. Exactly. Everybody knows. And our two beefiest boys gave the best showing that this carnival received in quite a while, I might say. I believe it. It was mind over cupcake.

Until he passed out. Yeah, then it was stomach over cupcake, and I won. I'm not really supposed to talk about this, but there's nothing Mr. Light likes more than to see his smiling faces. The carnival's happy, he's happy, so. Oh. Looks like you've done the carnival a service, friends. Oh.

I was just going to ask if you have any one of those weird wild favors we could do for you. You hear Red go, you're not supposed to talk about that stuff. You know that. You're not supposed to tell anybody anything. Why do you always do this? You get so relaxed that you just tell everybody everything. Red, man, you got to chill. You're giving me a headache, bro. Would it give you a headache if Red sang his very charming song from last time? Yeah, he was singing it like...

For the past two hours, I just got him to stop. Why don't we start again, Red? Can you at least sing a different song this time? Okay, yeah, I would just like a song. I haven't heard any song. I'm blacked out from most of Bird What Is Free, and I'm very disappointed. Give him something to sing about. Why put him on the spot, man? What about, you know, a bird that needs to be free? Red, you want to sing him a song about a bird? Oh, yeah, play Bird What Is Free!

Red doesn't know that song. Can Red write a song about a bird what is free? Well, yeah, I didn't mean like that one. I mean a different one. Oh. About the same thing. Red, what do you think? Yeah, okay, I could totally write a song about that. Yeah, if you want me, I write a song right now. You want me to sing it right now? Should we just do it right now? Does anyone want to play an instrument or something? Like, oh, does anyone dance? Like, oh, are you a bard?

No, we're not bards, but we are performers by trade. I do play a little something here and there. A little flute action. Coats is a great dancer. Yeah, I can totally do this. I can totally do this. I'll play a mean flute. I have a bell. You want to ring it while I perform the song? Frost is our tambourine player. Okay. All right. Yeah, give me a beat, Frost.

A bird was free in the blue sky and he flew around. He was a cool guy and he was really free. I'm not really feeling anything, Jazzy. It's in the genre. It is in the genre. I was really thinking.

I thought that was pretty good. Are you not a fan of scat improv? From the top of his head. I couldn't have made a single one of those things rhyme. It was very nice rhyme there. That was real good, Red. I'm just going to go inside of Nightwing here. I'll see you guys later. Bye. And he runs into his little knot hole and you see a small tear trickle down his face as he rushes in. I'm sorry, Red.

Because he closes the little one. Can I at least give you a gold piece for that performance? Why would you ask him to do a song if you're just going to harsh his vibe, bruh? Yeah, I mean, that was very nice, Greco. I didn't know you didn't like jazz so much. What do you got against jazz? You have to understand, it's about the notes that they don't play.

Every minute in Ogwe was torture. I can't believe you just said that. I'm sorry, Kremi.

You know, that hurts my feelings. Oh, no. You know I'm from Hogway, right? I know. You know, I love jazz. I love the food, but there's just jazz everywhere. You know my whole thing, like when I do my thing? Oh, no. It's very jazz-like. At least it's very ominous, and then horrible things happen to people we want horrible things to happen to. That's right. All right, so Gideon doesn't like heights, and Gricko doesn't like heights. Now, take out those 500 gold pieces and give me three of them. Oh.

Oh, yeah, I got 500 gold pieces right here. I completely forgot about that last time. Why don't we buy that ticket instead of you making a horrible eldritch pack with the fairy at the door? This is what we get when we let the goblin hear the gold. Oh, here you go, boss. Give it to me. Okay. And I'm going to take three gold pieces, and I'll say, you know, when Red's out of his little tree hutch or whatever you call it,

Can you give these to him? Yeah, sure. Just go ahead and put them on my leaves over there. You know, you gotta tip your street musicians. Oh! And if he's a squirrel and locks nuts, I actually snagged this pistachio that I couldn't open. Yeah. But given that he is a squirrel, I thought he might be able to do it. Hopefully, he still considers this a nut, even though technically, I believe it's a fruit seed. But

But, you know, it kind of looks like a no. You're a really long-winded friend. Yeah, no, that's kind of my whole thing. Cool. Three coins. I like that about you a lot. Yeah, you know, I'm told that I have... My mum always said, Gricko, you have a nice personality.

Since we're telling each other things no one cares about, you want to hear something I know about? Oh, is it the wisdom of the trees? Well, I'm really not supposed to talk about this, but... Yeah, continue, continue. The carnival can't run without Mr. Witch's pocket watch. I hope he never loses that thing. Did we just encounter random NPC dialogue? Fuck.

We're not the specific game. Have I told you about the card room? Paradrum. If you gotta do it, make it fun. Are you implying that... Sure is dark times these days. I hope the king doesn't come out.

Sure is dark time these days. Sure the king doesn't come in. Sure is dark time. Hey, listen. Hey, you know, that's an interesting thing that you just brought up. Are you sort of implying something? Nah, I really like it here at the carnival.

You know, I'm really not supposed to talk about this, but... Yeah, go on. Mr. Witch and Mr. Light aren't the carnival's original owners, you know? Oh, you don't say. They're not even from the Feywild. Oh, that seems a little... But, you know, it doesn't matter an inch to me. We're all one big happy family here. Folks advertising on site. So, you're saying is that if he happens to misplace this pocket watch, the whole carnival shuts down?

Can't run without that pocket watch. So what happens? Like, it closes or, like, pauses? I don't know if he would lose it. Or does it shift ownership? Like, you know. Whoever has the pocket watch. I don't know, man. I just know that if he doesn't have his pocket watch, the whole place goes to the dog. How did you come by this knowledge? Is this a rumor or has the pocket watch been lost in Carnival's past? That's actually a good question. Grammy! Grammy!

I think if he loses his pocket watch, he gets the accountant that you found. What are you trying to say? I'm trying to say, isn't that why we had to close? Because you hired that shady accountant who was very budget, low budget. Look, just because our accountant, Colin, was embezzling gold, which led me not to be able to cover payroll, which sent a whole bunch of pissed off carnies...

After us. You know, do you have to bring that up every time? The parallels are quite remarkable, actually. Mr. Witch and Light, Mr. Witch losing his pocket watch and you losing your pocket book. Oh! Oh, it's like pottery and rhymes. It is like pottery. Wait, why is pottery rhyme? Pottery rhyme? I mean, poetry rhymes. Oh!

Pottery rock. I mean, he doesn't appreciate poetry. That's metaphysical. He doesn't appreciate red, smooth, scat jazz. Wait, his name was Colin? Yeah, his name was Colin. Oh, I called him Randall the whole time. Maybe that's why he embezzled so much money. I doubt it.

- Oh. - You guys wanna ride one of the dragonflies? - Yes, please! We love dragonflies. I don't even shape like unicorns. Or at least I didn't even have like horns, sort of, maybe even like proboscis that kinda look like a horn. Anything vaguely unicorn related. - You mean like a skeeter?

Oh, like a mosquito, yes. Yeah, like a big ol' skeeter. You're absolutely right. Nah. Okay, well, thanks for mentioning it, I guess. That makes sense. I'm sorry that there are no unicorn-shaped dragonflies, but... I know. What would that look like? I guess it might just be a unicorn. Yeah, or just be a flying unicorn with wings. Well, I can punch your tickets. It's gonna be one punch for one ride. Okay!

Thank you, mister. He reaches out with one of his hands and he punches each one of your tickets. Make sure you mark off on your ticket that it was punched. Yeah, just hop on over to the lily pads and a dragonfly will pick you up. Yeah, I get it. That's funny. You what? To hop onto a lily pad gives me frog imagery. Oh, I didn't mean to do that. You're great. What's your name? Oh, Northwind. Northwind. Oh, I thought it was Nightwing.

Northwind, my name is Morning Frost. You can just call me Frost. It's a pleasure to meet animated trees such as yourself. You can just call me North or Wind. I'll... Northwind seems... NW is pretty cool. NW is cool. Oh, that is pretty cool. Yeah. Oh, I want to start going by NW. Then I'd be tempted to call you Northwest. Oh.

There was a week when he called me MF every day. Well, if the north wind comes from the northwest... And even Frosty got so upset. I'm like, hey, MF. Please stop calling me MF. No, remember when I had that phase when I was trying to be cool to relate to my adolescent daughter? And I kept doing this. I was just going to say. And I'm like, hey, MF, how's it hanging? What, do you want to do a little rap about why you should listen to your parents and clean your room?

It's been years, but I want you to know that those sunglasses you had during that week, I stole them and I broke them because I was tired of being called MF. WHAT?! You said that they were to the farm! Yes, I know, I said that, but it's time for the truth to come out. Frosty! MF sounds horrible! Why? It's so cool! I'd rather you call me Frosty. Well, I'll call you Frosty like ten times a day, or like 500 times a day. I know, my name is Frost.

Frosty, it's just a one-letter difference. MF means motherfucker, dude. It also means morning frost. Maybe that makes you a bad MF. Maybe that Frosty's a bad MF. That's his reputation on the street, at least. What makes you think that crossing your arms and bending your torso 45 degrees makes you cool and relatable children? I don't know. I saw like a

Oh, strange mouse man doing it. At a child's casino. Saw a rat man at a child's casino. I saw a rat man in a child's casino and the kids seemed to be present. Let me do that.

They seem to be present, so I thought I may as well learn parenting tips from the rat at the child's casino. To relate to your youthful owlbear. Yes, my youthful owlbear. Hold your pumpkin very nicely, Hoochie. You're doing such a great job keeping it balanced on your head.

I'm not supposed to talk about this. Please continue. But since we're talking about kids, have you ever seen that major image with like those weird, weird fluffy things with like portraits on their stomach and there's like a laughing baby in the sun? What? What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know, man. Do you want to ride on the dragonflies?

Yeah, let's go. I just need to punch your tickets. He kind of reminds me of those guys. I don't remember punching on your tickets. I mean, I got three punches, and this is the third thing I've done. Roll a persuasion check. That I can do. Add advantage because you're not lying. Well, it's persuasion out of the way, but out of the way, that's pretty good. That's 25. Tough as dust. Ah.

- Yeah, all right, you just hop on over to one of those lily pads and the dragonflies will pick you up. - All right, let's go, lily pad time. - See you later. - Goodbye, A-N-W. - Okay. - See you later, Emma. - I'll do that job, A-N-W. - With that, you make your way over towards the lily pads. You see that these dragonflies, there are eight giant dragonflies.

which are flying their riders around in a lazy figure eight around the carnival thoroughfare. They fly at roughly about 20 feet and people are harnessed into them and everyone seems to be having a really good time. As you make your way over, you step onto one of the lily pads and one of these beautiful dragonflies flies down. Their wings catch the light and you can see how it shifts and reflects off of the stained glass like nature of their wings.

And so anyone who would like to ride a dragonfly, I need you to make an animal handling check to see how well you are able to get onto the dragonfly and maneuver it. - To me, my dragonfly friend. - Oh, very cool. - I'm going to twist it.

Oh, I also would like a twist. I've forgotten about that. Yes, much better. Two. I'm not gonna waste it. In the family? Yes, that is a trogdor. We are using trogdor as our party to determine where we are. Consummate things! I said consummate! Burn in 18 to conseside. Do I still have 0 HP? No, Maxie's got it.

I love my dragonfly. I got a 14. Okay. It reminds me of the spaceship from the 1996 German television show Lex. Does anyone remember Lex? Who's seen Lex? Frosty, are you okay? You were. You were. You were. Clear off. I hop on with a 14. Perfect. You hop on with a 14. And you actually feel like you have some control over this dragonfly that...

for most of the people who are riding them, they're just going in that lazy figure eight. They are at the whim of the dragonfly itself. But this dragonfly is responding to you favorably and you feel like you could actually fly it wherever you wanted to around this carnival. - Oh my goodness, that's a lot of power. I'll think about that, but I'll start off with the eight. - I got a 13. - Okay. - 16.

- 24. - All of you are able to control your dragonfly. It was a DC 12. - She's a beauty! - So very close, Krems. - Look at your cartoniscarapist. - Oh, anyone who used a twist, please roll on the table. - And your multifaceted eyes! - Thank you for keeping me honest, Derek. - Oh gosh, you are beautiful, aren't you? - I'm feeling very 84-y. - 84-y.

Does this sound like Kingdom Hearts music a little bit to anybody else? All water tastes oily, including your saliva. Oh no. The headache's gonna come back. Did anyone else use it? Twelve. Twelve. Fucking Derek and his face shit.

To you podcast listeners, Derek is smacking his lips and looking repulsed at the oily saliva in his mouth. You are physically incapable of looking anyone directly in the eyes.

Aren't the front of dragonflies a huge, giant fucking set of eyes? Yes. You have beautiful eyes. Sorry, I'm just a little shy. And I'll leap on. Oh, you're a beaut.

Oh, whoa, whoa, all right. And you jump on and you begin to-- Does anybody else's dragonfly feel mechanically fresh? I don't know what that means. What? Like something-- they treat these dragonflies with some kind of-- There's something going on with the-- they're like oily. You feeling all right?

Oh, I think that's just a little leftover butter from the cupcakes. I got a little bit of that in my mouth. There is an oil when they shed their previous carapace, their previous shell, and regrow. Perhaps it's one just recently shed and some splashed up into your mouth.

It must be it. Yeah, it's probably it. Let us know if you start smelling burnt feathers or anything like that. Why would you eat burnt feathers? You have a water scheme on your hip that you imagine, you know, a gulp of water might help to clear some of that away if it really is the carapace. It tastes like... It tastes like... Vegetable oil. Chug it down. Oh!

Something's happened. There's no explanation for this. Wait till logic now, bros! It's a farewell carnival. It doesn't have any logic. It's just chaos in my mouth.

Sorry, I'm a little shy. I think I can pilot this thing outside of the figure eight. Maybe coasting around the circumference of the perimeter of the carnival will help cement in my mind the various locations that we could potentially go to after this. Can we go over the whole carnival? Whee! There's one little section. Okay.

Don't see any restrictions and I feel... Frosty! It just slides down your throat like pure olive oil.

What is going on with these dragonflies? Don't talk to the dragonflies! I'm gonna try it. It's not their fault! And then I'm gonna get off of this thing very quickly. You're gonna fail the challenge and lose the ticket. Is there a challenge? I just want to get off of Dragonfly's Wild Ride.

Dragonflies while I'm wrong never ends, Frosty. So you're flying it around right now. You're all just kind of figurating together. Yeah, we're figurating together. We're shouting out, isn't this fun? Gideon, how you doing?

I just wish it wouldn't go so fast. Gideon's is going very, very, very slow. I mean, just where do they feed these things? I'm going to fly down. Am I able to fully control? Yep.

I'm going to fly down and then I'll look up and I'll see Gideon's arm. And then I'm going to pull a fucking maverick from Top Gun and just fly up to try to startle Gideon. Just directly up. Between us, we're flying. Yeah, between both of you. I don't see him on the left or the right. Grammy, what do you think? Oh, shit! Oh, it's...

- Oh, it's the greatest day of your life. Who's she having sex with? - Have you both rolled dexterity saving throws to see if you can remain on your dragonfly? - I'm holding on with one hand 'cause I'm holding on to my hat with the other. - Of course. - Oh, pretty good actually. - Same, same. - Bailey in inconvenience.

- That is a 23. - You are easily able to stay on top of your dragonflies. As you let out a loud whoop and a yell, you all laugh.

And then you hear it. The screams and shouts from down below. Your attention is turned back to the lily pads that you had just taken off from as what appears to be a middle-aged dwarf is being thrown this way and that by a dragonfly that has gone rogue. He was not fully strapped in as the dragonfly started to take off. The dwarf's head hits the back of a stump.

And you see that he's dangling there. He's screaming. Everybody's panicking. No one knows what to do. The couple of handlers that were there are calling out, trying to calm the dragonfly, but none of it's working. It's absolute chaos down at the base. And you see as Northwind slowly shambles over, you hear his loud voice. Yo, bro, chill out. It has no effect.

I'm going to attempt to, I'll say pull up, pull up, as I'm going to attempt to try to dive bomb and get, fly around to the dragonfly. Griggo, see if you can do something about the dragonfly. I'll see if I can save the dwarf man.

Oh yeah, you save the dwarf men. I'm going to make sure this dragon flower doesn't burn up the whole place. Yeah, I'm coming. In case they have ironic firebrand, give it dragon flowers. It's like flying. You really are a hoot, C. You're a hoot.

- I'll be behind, I'll be behind, I'll be behind Graco and I'm gonna see if I can spot where the dwarf has fallen and see if I can get-- - He is attached by just one of his legs to the harness and he's dangling beneath the dragonfly. As it flies around erratically, he is being like pulled through the treetops, he's getting scraped up, he's screaming and wailing for help and no one seems to be able to help him. The rest of the dragonflies

that were not being ridden at the time seem skittish and some of the guards are trying to jump on them to fly up and help, but they won't allow themselves to be mounted. The ones that are in the air are very relaxed outside of the ones that you're on and they're just flying in their figure eight pattern. - I'm going to try to get underneath

and as close to the dwarf who's swinging around as possible. If I can get between the bottom of the dragonfly while Gricko does whatever he does and the dwarf hanging man, I get 30 feet away from the rope. I'm going to grasp the rope with my mind's eye as my invisible mage hand attempts to still the shaking so that I can get even closer and perhaps retrieve the dwarf from his position. - I would say roll

acrobatics to attempt to do this and you can do it at advantage because you are using your mage hand. Gricko, you were flying in front of the dragonfly to try and stop it. - Yes. - And what are the two of you doing?

and roll an animal handling check to see if you can get it to listen to your command. Oh, it's okay. We're going to get you some nice water lilies and pond weeds and lotus flowers and eel grass and it's, oh, I'm going to twist. It's okay, it's okay. Much better, much better. All right, roll a d100 for me, please. Oh, fuck. Oh, I have a question. Yes. What does the dwarf sound like? Like, what is he saying during all of this?

Holy fucking shit, god damn it all, fuck, ow, ow, ow, fuck, ow, fuck, ow, god! I knew I should've stayed home today, fuck! God damn fucking car, this piece of shit, quick-ass dragonfly ride they sent me, fuck, ow! Should've been a field trip chaperone!

God damn you, Duncan. You know, Geodogwe Dwarf just kind of hit different. You know what I mean? Yeah, they sure do. I spun my dice, but I got a 15 plus four is a 19. Okay. 73 for me, who is Gricko, in case anyone forgot. You gain the beauty of the gods as long as you view yourself in a mirror.

Otherwise, your beauty will corrupt into necrotic horror. If everyone else sees necrotic horror right now? He has a very limited amount of time to look into a mirror before he turns into a necrotic horror. Surely there's a reflective surface on the water. Oh, I can't look at myself. I'm too beautiful. So yes, inevitably, in a very short amount of time, he will turn into a necrotic horror. Am I a necrotic?

"Bishonen pretty boy that's also shy and approachable. "Soon, thousands of teenage girls will be writing about how "I have an irresistible attraction towards my companions." Oh.

Calm down, sweet little dragonfly. I'm gonna call you Flitter.

What did you roll on your animal handling? Oh, I got a 24. Oh, you are, it seems almost entranced by your beauty and your voice as it does actually slow down. Please don't do that thing with your lips. That's my favorite part. For you podcasters at home, Mikey is making a handsome Squidward face.

If you don't know what that is, Google it. And you are able to, as this is happening, you are able to grab onto and unhook the dwarf and pull him onto your dragonfly. Stop swearing and wriggling around. Jesus, holy fuck. And he falls unconscious. Passed out.

You guys got this? I'm just trying to make sure my hat doesn't fly away. Thank you for your help. I'm still coming. Is he okay? I'm very slowly turning my dragonfly. Now, now, Flitter, let's get you some baby pond weed. If you, I mean, if you want to. LAUGHTER I'm going in the land. LAUGHTER

I'm gonna attempt to land my dragonfly. You are easily able to land your dragonfly. Some more of the candy striped pixies rush over to the dwarf and they carry him away. It is right about this time that Northwind has finally made it over to the lily pads. I thought that guy was gonna die.

Northwind, you need to be more awakened tree on the spot when these things happen. Clearly it was a stretch of time there where someone could have done it, yes. Yeah, if it hadn't been for you guys, you would have been toast. Oh, man. Anybody want some toast? I'm hungry. Toast does sound good. You got any ice cream, bro? Give me toast hole. Thanks.

Get this taste out of my mouth. Is there some sort of like oil that they use on the dragonflies as soon as... Nah, bro. I taste canola. God, that sounds good. That isn't. Craving some canola. Sweet jug. Canola. Oh, hey, Gricko. God, you look really ugly, bro. Yeah.

And you look over and you see that Gricko has slowly started to meld into an eldritch horror. His fingers are elongating into wigglies, into tentacles. He has eyes popping up all over his face. His lips have additional lips on them.

Oh, that was a one, maybe. You should come down here. Gricko looks very sick. I actually don't think he looks that much different. I want to get my money back. Senpa said she loved me for my personality. I'm sure she would still like me now. I'm sure she meant it. It might have been a necrotic horror.

But this is what I went with. I went with Eldritch because it's more fun.

Oh my god, he's got like-- Can anyone else taste infinity right now? Is that what you were talking about, Frosty? And you're listening to him, but his mouth is completely sealed shut. However, the mouth that has appeared on his ear, that's the one that's stopping him. Oh, is that starfish? Oh, I'm gonna be sick. Oh, it's two starfishes. You're starting to really Cronenberg out. Are you sure you don't need medical attention right away? Right away, Gricko.

- Oh, you guys are all worms. I'll see you past, present and future all at the same time. Time is a flat circle. - North wind. - It's right about this time that a candy stripe pixie rushes over, finds one of your many mouths, actually the mouth in your ear and forces a tonic taffy into your mouth.

You have bento boxes? Bento boxes are Wotashi's favorite. Oh gosh, did I become an insufferable weeb? Simon H says he hath become Tentacle Chan. Tentacle Chan, itadakimasu!

Hey Pixie, can we get one of those tiny shirts that says Tentacle Chad on that? Yeah, sure, I guess. And she flies off and brings back an even smaller shirt that says Tentacle Chad. Yeah, underneath it says, oh my, machine that is. Yeah.

We got you a souvenir. Free souvenir. Well done with the dragonfly. Oh, thank you very much. Are you feeling all right? It was very nice. Yeah, thanks a lot for that. That would not have gone over well. I probably shouldn't say this, but I don't think Mr. Witch or Mr. Light would have been happy if someone died. Yeah, I mean, there were no restraints on these dragonflies. They're totally wild.

- What kind of safety standards do y'all have at this carnival? Do you even have liability insurance? - Whoa, bro, your big words are like lawyer speak. I'm just a carny, brah. - Wait, do we have liability insurance? - Well, everybody thought we had liability insurance. - Oh wait, you said that insurance was for suckers. - No, Ricker, what I said was paying for insurance was for suckers. - Oh, do one of you guys have a sucker?

I'm, like, really hungry. A what? Like a lollipop. Oh, oh. Because you purse your lips when you eat it. You call it a sucker, brah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, MF. Do you think that Mr. Witch or Mr. Light has ever heard of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration? I don't even know what you're saying to me right now, brah. Okay. Is there, like, a shortened version of that or something? I don't think so.

You have to say that whole thing every time. The occupational, like, something or what. Yeah, it's the ocean safety and health. Yeah, no. If I see him walking around, I'll ask. But no, seriously, you totally did me a solid.

What happened? Was the dwarf antagonizing this beautiful creature? No, the dwarf was just trying to get up on top of that dragonfly. Is he alive? And then all of a sudden, I sure hope so, then all of a sudden, like, I heard this weird whispering come from the bushes over there. No one else seemed to hear or whatever.

And then the dragonfly just started going crazy, man. - Hey, wait, can you just give that dwarf one of those taffies? Or are you just gonna let it bleed out of his skull? - No, I'm sure the pixies have got it covered. - One of the pixies hangs a poster that says "missing dwarf." - Wait, hold on, which bush? - Yeah, the one that's like directly behind the dragonflies. - Is it that bush right there? - Yeah.

- Kazam! - And I'm gonna shoot an Eldritch Blast in the bush. - Oh my God. - You do and the bush completely blasts away. You watch as Northwind follows, like you shoot the Eldritch Blast. It's like, whoa. - I don't know. I'm somehow tracking ahead in all of this madness, but I can see you'll let your- - No, but Tanfi cured your stuff. - No, doesn't he? Isn't he just a tree or is he a tree ant?

No, he's a tree. He's a tree person, right? I mean, you see kind of like a mottled face, but it's not like a tree ant. Actually, maybe he is a tree ant. I don't know. He's whatever I imagine him to be right now. Right, whatever you picture. Yeah, he's got a face. He's got a face because he uses his hands and his fingers and stuff. Oh, that's right. Okay. Okay.

- Okay, well, now go enjoy some pond weed, some baby pond weed, like I promised, and the lilies and the lotuses, and you'll have a very lovely time. Take some rest. No more Rados for today. - The dragonfly pukes all over you and then falls. - Oh gosh, you're just really cute. - I'm just kidding, it doesn't. - It doesn't. - You're just adorable. - It seems to calm down with your animal handling and it does a strange, almost whistly vibrating coo.

as it slowly nestles down onto the lily pad and falls asleep. - Aw, look at the beautiful scene on that carapace. Oh, absolutely just marvelous. This is a miracle of nature. - Dude, why are you blasting away at the foliage, brah? What do those leaves ever do? - You said it yourself.

I suspect... It's not like those leaves are whispering shit. Stop talking for a second, all right? I mean, like, what did it do, man? I suspect sabotage. I need you to roll a perception check. Suddenly I'm feeling intrigued.

- I don't wanna twist it. I'm gonna twist it. - Can I get some of that taffy? I have this very strange sensation in my mouth and I don't care for it. - Oh, we're all out of taffy. - You're out of taffy? Have you heard of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration? - No, you do ask for it and a candy striper pixie comes over and passes you a piece of taffy and you begin to chew on it and it tastes like you're chewing on a wad of Crisco.

17 for my roll and 9 for the RP prompt. But as you eat it, you do feel the oil begin to wash away out of your mouth. You got a 9 for your RP prompt? Yeah, 17 on the roll, 9 for the RP prompt. 9. That's a good number. Now I can re-roll it if you need me to. That's like three 3s. Yeah, please roll again. That is a 98. That's pretty high. I think that's a bad one too. We've got to redo this. Just pick a cool one that's close.

- I could re-roll whatever you want. - You are insatiably hungry and you eat and drink messily and noisily. - Ew. Hold on, what's in that bush? - It's a berry bush. It appears to be a cherry berry bush. - But not a cherries berries bush. - A cherry berry bush, which is meaningfully important and distinctly unique from a cherries berry bush. - It tastes like.

- Less. - Well, it looks like less now. - And as you've blown it away, you realize that as the berries popped, they created a viscous jam all over the leaves. And that is when you notice with that roll that sticking to those leaves appears to be four or five black feathers. - Wait, hold on. See that?

See that jam you just made? Well, I mean, yeah, the jam, but also, ooh, jam. And I'm gonna walk over. Oh, that's pretty good. It's delicious. Oh! Crummy, you haven't made us biscuits in a while. You're also eating leaves while you do this. Yeah, I'm just, I'm just... Crummy, you haven't made us biscuits in a while. You don't have your very nice breakfast. But also, there's feathers. You can see sort of on my tooth here. I'm gonna, like, swallow the feather, the black feather.

It's sort of these weird like five or six black feathers. So our deduction is that you killed a bird in the bush. Well, maybe, but I don't see any evidence of a dead bird. You don't see a carcass, you don't see blood, you don't see anything that would indicate that anyone had been injured. Is it possible that you've disintegrated the bird with your Eldritch Blast? I mean, it doesn't really work that way. Is it possible you ate the bird?

Well shit, I didn't taste the bird. All I tasted was jam and a few leaves and a few feathers and a few sticks and a little bit of mud. But... No birds! You have a very sophisticated palate. I mean, I've been cooking for a long time. You sort of develop these things. Well, you know what they say. You kill two birds...

In the bush. And one in the pig. One in the bush. Yeah, and one in the pig. That's not how that goes at all. Oh. How did you get that one wrong? You were master of proverbs but an hour ago. Yeah, I thought you were supposed to be good at sayings. Oh, I normally am, but ones about birds just give me trouble. You know, like the early...

The early cuckoo flew over the worm. While he's doing that, I want to take a feather out of my teeth and look at it to see, is it a huge feather? Is it a small feather? Roll an investigation check.

Hey, Gricko, what kind of bird would this belong to? Let me take a look here. Seeing Kremi's interest in this and being also an investigator and a lover of riddles or mysteries, do I get a sense that he thinks that he's on the track of something bigger? And I would deduce that. Yes, easily. Investigation is 20.

You look at this and you realize, I would say you realize very quickly that though these are bird feathers, these are feathers clearly of a Kenku. - You know, I don't think these are like bird, bird feathers now that I taste it. Tastes more like Kenku. - Did you say Kenku? - Yes, you did. - Kenku?

Yeah, there's been a Kenku terrorizing the Witch Lake Carnival for quite a while now. Terrorizing? Mr. Wish and Mr. Light would be really interested to find out about this. I'm not supposed to tell you that. And that's where we'll end the session. I'm gonna throw up.

Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Aventress podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin tier or higher to unlock Shroud Over Saltmarsh, a patron-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash legendsofaventress. If you want to chat about the episode with the Aventress community, join us on Discord at legendsofaventress.com slash discord.

We also post content nearly every day on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram, so make sure you follow our socials at legendsofadventures.com slash social. And make sure you check out The Crooked Moon so you can terrify your friends with a folk horror 5e supplement published by us. Get your own copy at thecrookedmoon.com. Thanks again, and we'll see you next time.