Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 27 | Lord of the Flies
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Welcome to Legends of Adventress. What a do. The name's Kremi LeCru. You're listening to Once Upon a Witchlight. Here's what happened last time. Torbek. You awake. You've been thoroughly washed and cleaned. Your bow's tied in all over the place. You smell of lavender and cinnamon. Get out! Get out! Torbek's awake! Oh, hey, guys! But you guys are here. Oh, hey.

Torbjörn, you're tiny and blonde. Whatever you do, don't step on Torb.

Wait, what is happening to me? Oh my god. I am an elder god made flesh! Oh no, you are a beefcake right now, okay? And I just want to cut me a slice. Wait, somehow Tuggle's returned? Yes. Which light? Toolbag! Toolbag! Oh, sorry! Toolbag! Toolbag!

I hope I didn't blow out your eardrums. I took the full force of Tobey's groove right on the face. There was a moment where you saw surrounding chuckles, seven shadowy figures. You have made no progress for the past few hours. So no one told you your life was going to be this ragnarok? Hee haw. Hee haw. Hee haw.

You step out of the smoldering building that is the balloon factory. Bavlona couldn't be trusted, and thus neither could the ruling member of the Soggy Court. Oh, yes, we did see that. And it's such a shame, too, Morgo. She was the best at flying those balloon contraptions. Have you no herald to announce your presence before King Gullop the 19th?

Oh, Snoodle, we have guests. You have finished up in the burned balloon factory and made your way over the bridge that housed the heads of all of the deposed monarchs of the Soggy Court. It feels like a lot has happened in a short amount of time and

It also simultaneously feels like nothing has happened in a long amount of time. But such are the ways of the Fae, as you make your way towards the gazebo off in the distance. A grand marble gazebo stands atop a mound of soggy earth, its white stone streaked green with algae. The support pillars have sunk into the muck unevenly so that the domed canopy now sits askew.

Short steps ring the gazebo, leading to a raised floor where bullywugs, dressed in rococo garb, lounge on pillows. Among them, a harpist sends forth delicate notes that mingle with the murmured croaking of the gathered nobles. On a dais, a flabby bullywug wearing a crown of woven lily flowers sits on an ornate throne with his legs folded under him. He has a large, leather-bound book open across his lap and is mouthing the words he reads on the pages. Without looking up, he says...

"Have you no herald to announce your presence before King Gullop the 19th?" He slams the book closed as if to punctuate his question, regarding you for the first time. Sleepy Bullywugs. Sleepy Bullywug guards standing around their monarch snap to attention and ready their weapons.

Next to him, a small crocodile stirs in his sleep, a baby crocodile, and lounging on the steps of the dais going forward, you see a Bullywug court jester in drab garb look up out of a daze and begin to stare at you as he rights himself and takes his place on the left-hand side of the king.

Oh, uh, Harold, uh, uh, Graco, do you think, oh. The Bullywug guards are pointing weapons at you currently. Uh, I'll pull out my ocarina. I'm trying to look as, like, regal as possible. Like, official.

I'll shoot off three Purimish Flames into you as he plays mine. Get your answers! I would like you to roll a performance check at advantage. Oh! With Gideon's help. Boom, boom, boom. Shut up! Enough! I got a one and a three. I'm gonna use the kids. Oh man, that was pretty good! Natural 20. Ah!

That's good, because otherwise it would have been awful recorder, my heart will go on. That's your favorite. That's my favorite. I know. It is on standby for when you TPK. Like, I don't care that we're going to get coffee struck, I'm playing a fucking song.

Now introducing his most connivingness, his sliminess, the King Regent Duke Baron of Carnivore Le Creu, Cremie of House Le Creu. House words is snail number two is still the best. A vassal house of King Shmebulock. Cremie! Isn't Frost wearing the pin? Yes. There you go!

Mage hand picks it up and just-- No, no, no, that's how it works, where we're sticking with what's happening. Oh, is it floating in the air, like coming towards you? Yeah, on a mage hand. It should just hover in front of your chest. Did I also mention that he has the power to command flies?

You notice that all of the nobles have, they're bobbing their head along to the song as if they're really enjoying it. The harp stops.

as the ocarina begins to play and the sound reverberates through the swamp. You even hear off in the distance what are clearly some probably asshole cicadas, lulled by the music, however, and humming along to it off in the distance. The swamp responds in kind. The nobles let out, ooh!

as Gideon produces pyrotechnics from his hands. And they all seem to be in awe of the five of you as you make your way towards the dais. The guards look towards the king who motions with his hands to lower their weapons.

And he crosses his arms in front of his chest as he eyes all of you suspiciously, but he seems there's a slight smile on his face. He seems at least impressed for the moment. My intention is that I can use magic to help modulate my ocarina sound. And I would like it to sound like a very MIDI trumpet, like you might find on an Angelfire website for you people old enough to know.

To kind of really lead to the... To help the ambiance. Okay. I just want to add some flavor. You need at least 35 to get there. Well, look up Angel Fire and Geocity Zoomers. Geocity Zoomers. Freaking nice.

- Neo pet shop. - 20 megabytes every day of download speed. - I would like you all to roll a, actually I need you to roll 'cause I'm gonna determine which table it is. I want you each to roll a D2. - Why doesn't Derek roll a D2 for all of us? - 'Cause I want you to each have the opportunity to be on a different table. - Can I do my D4 and divide it by two? - If you would like to. - 'Cause I don't have a card. - I'm a full banana. - One is new and two is old.

You can't flip a banana, do a d2. This d2 is from Corrin the Dice Smith, thank you so much. I'm gonna borrow a d2. This d2 is from Amazon Jade, thank you so much. I got a Kraken. I'm gonna add two. I got a two. I also got a one. Two is new? So like, Gricko got one is new, two is old. Torbjorn also got a one. I got a one as well. So Gideon is the only one that got a two. Damn it! Gideon, roll a d20. He's a king of something.

- Good luck. - That's not one. - That's amazing. You should twist it. - Think about how it does that. - Oh, of my dad or something. - You know, I will allow you to twist it. - Twist this? Why, what's the one? Does it suck? - I mean, you can keep the one if you'd like. - Can we just use the new table? Can we force it to the new table if we spend five twists?

You just really want to be on a new table. I want to be on a new table. What's funny is that when you use the twist, you get another twist of fate. That's fair. So you're a fake twist, right? I haven't been doing that. To be fair, I have not, no. Oh, thank God. I thought he was just going to get in a recursive insanity loop. Oh, God.

Fine, you can be on the new table, but you get number one. I'll be on the original. Nope, I will give you number one on the new table. Okay. You can only communicate through interpretive dance. Yes! I wanted that! I'm so upset! Give me a one, give me a one! Okay, Andy, roll. Are we doing d20s? D20s. 16.

You believe you are a time traveler and you start making wild predictions. - 11. - You start experiencing sudden bursts of amnesia and forget important details about your quest. - Natural 20. - Ooh. Everyone but you is speaking gibberish, unless what they are saying makes no sense at all to you. - Four.

You believe you are a master chef and start critiquing everything you come across as such. Man, there's no difference. That's the change. I'll be standing there after I mention crummy and saying... Oh, no, we were just leaving. Never mind. Forget this. Goodbye. No, no, no. Why are we here? Why are we in the swamp?

Master Chef Kremlin Le Crony.

And I have a longer title than whatever he said. What was it, Gregor? What was my title again? Oh, it was... Cramsy? Your chef Cramsy? Oh, your title? Yeah. Oh, I mean, you were out on a bail bond at Stink Mud when you got arrested there for public busking. Anyway, all that's important is that I am a master chef. Um...

And I'm joined by my band of nobles, as you can see by my pen. I'm quite important. He does seem to glance towards it. I'm joined by Lord Gideon Rodiandra. Krimmy, you're embarrassing yourself. I have to apologize for my friend for speaking such gibberish to you. It's making no sense. What? What the fuck are you talking about? Ahem.

Please watch your language. He sounded just fine to me. Oh, it's everyone. Torbek has a question for the king and potentially the local populace. Torbek is slightly confused. Have the gorgle flops invaded New Agwe Galtakinos yet? What is New Agwe Galtakinos? Yeah!

Does anyone understand a single thing he said? No. New Agwe Galtaquinos, the Mega Empire. You're not making any sense. Are you feeling all right? At least I think he's speaking common. What was that? Did you have anything to help with mental ailments? Some kind of caffeine or anything? Tea or coffee? He's probably having a migraine.

The king is beginning to look a little concerned. And he looks between all of you, and then he motions towards a frog that is carrying a silver platter. He is dressed in the equivalent of a black tuxedo. And the king motions towards him and then motions towards you. And very quickly, this...

This bullywug makes his way over and he has a silver tray that's piled high with the frog equivalent to Jordan almonds. They're very clearly candy coated flies. And a...canister, what's the word I'm looking for? A vase? No, that would have flowers in it. Oh, I'll take the...thank you for the Jordan almonds with two R's.

What kind of vessel? Like, to pour a beverage from. A carafe? Yes, a carafe. Thank you, Andy. They're just called long horses, all right? That was really good. A carafe, which is filled with some kind of fruity beverage. Looks like probably lemonade made from squeezed flies.

And they pour drinks for you. I'll take a tasting spoon out. What the fuck is this shit? What's in this? Swarm water? I have asked you once to watch your language. Oh, that's fair. I guess I am. I would not ask again. I apologize, your majesty. This is just foul and disgusting. You are in the presence. I was expecting a little something better. What did you say about...

"Flemonade." Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Oh, just-- No, no, no! Drop the M&A! Ah, you creamy crap, wait! Do you want Flymonade? That might be Red Dardoch. Red Dardoch. The red dwarves! Oh, Red Dardoch! I forgot about that adventure! Yes, don't eat anything!

Any of the red dardoch. Why do you guys keep saying red dardoch? What is anybody saying right now? But you understand Gideon's interpretive dance perfectly. I agree, everyone's gone insane, Gideon, it's crazy. Look, I apologize, your majesty. What did you say about the flymanade?

You should just drop the M&E because it just tastes like phlegm. It's... Fly-m-n-e-d. Oh, fly-m-n-e-d. Oh, well... Oh, like fly-made. Oh, that's pretty good. Coral. That's one of my go-to names. Coral the cook. Somebody find him and kill him. Oh.

Our guests are not enjoying the flymanade. I didn't mean to, like, get him executed or anything. I'm sure he makes good food. You have any we could sample? Just a little taste? The Jordan flymans. I'm not eating those. Those things are practically inedible. The only place you see them is at weddings. I feel like people feel like you're obligated to serve them at a wedding, but, like, nobody fucking eats them. Why waste the money? I don't get it.

Anyways. Oh, that's right! It's Lord Odeandra, Duke Torbek. You have a last name, Torbek? You know, I never even thought to ask. It's just Torbek. They abolished all last names in the year 204045. 204045. I forgot about that. It's very on brand for fair play. It's, uh,

Duke Torbeck, just Torbeck. It's, you know, a goblin thing. I forgot about that time. And it's Prince Frosty, Marvelous He, you know, something. And then whatever this guy is, Harold Gricko. My name is... Are you doing a beard? Should I count his name? I know my name. No, no, no. I got it.

He's a peasant jester and herald and all around worst friend. G-R-I-C-K-O, see? Griggo. Oh, Griggo! Mesa's made for us. No, no, no, that doesn't sound right. I feel like that's not a very gobliny name. Is that what's going on there?

I can hear it. I can hear it. I feel like it's much more statistically likely for me to be named Globo. There are a lot more Globos. I've never heard of the name Gricco. That sounds stupid. It's like Carl. It's everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know that I won Electrum Chef once? What? I did not know that, no. I'm the current title holder of Electrum Chef. Pretty impressive, don't you think?

Do you think that you could cook better than Carl, my current chef? Oh, I could absolutely dumpster Carl. I mean, by the time I'm done with him, then you probably should execute him. Did you hear that, my soggy court? LAUGHTER

We may have found ourselves some entertainment for the day. See, most of my, most of the court has been quite bored. There's a, we were hoping for a battle to the death, but no one's done anything. Oh, that's a good reason to kill Carl. Well, we could just, I mean, I get it. You can just fight Carl. No one has done anything.

He begins to turn and just stare at you, Gideon, looking at your rippling muscles. Give him a dance and punch. Ooh, do a flash dance! And then when you punch down, you'll just... Ooh, he's fired. We really need to get a bucket up there. Whoa, okay. Oh, he's starting the lawnmower now.

Kind of a reverse lawn mower thing. Oh, the limonade, that makes sense. You guys are eating pods. Have you been forced to live in pods yet? Wait, pods? What? Oh yeah, at a certain point we all get forced into horrible pods, which is extra terrible for Torbjorn because I'm like nine feet tall.

What are you talking about? And there's bugs? For every meal. It's not much different than the garbage that Torbjörn normally eats. At least all the plump leeches filled with the blood of mysterious swamp aminos. Unclear. I'm not eating their bugs. I don't remember that happening at all. This at least narrows down the timeline a little.

Gideon, I think it's just you and me now. Torbek is speaking of things that don't make any sense. So they make perfect sense to you. And everyone else is speaking in some sort of fronking language that I... You were the only person that understands what Torbek's saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I understand what he's saying doesn't make sense, right? No. It makes perfect sense to you. Oh. Oh.

Because what he's saying doesn't make any sense, it makes perfect sense to you. I just thought that I could understand the literal words. No. Oh, okay. That's not how I'm interpreting it. That's fine. It's my table right there. Well, yes, it's your table. Boom! I'm just picturing poor Carl begging for death after getting dusted by Kramme. Oh, your highness, I'm not really sure why we're here, but I guess we're gonna have a nice cooking contest to death. That sounds pretty nice. But Gideon here, our pal, is dancing.

And you know, it looks like your Jester's dancing. I think they would make nice friends. They should probably dance together. What do you think? My Jester does not dance. He tells jokes. Oh, let's hear a joke. He's tired today. Oh. What? What? I am not tired. Then take a nap. Take a nap.

I am retired. No, this is quite fortuitous. The soggy court has been very bored lately. Isn't that right, ladies and gents? They all clap and they look tired. They're fanning themselves in the heat. We have someone...

A treacherous traitor of the Soggy Court who has found themselves locked in jail. Yes? You good, sir? Chester, you okay? What? You too? All of you? The only person who's making sense here is Torbeck. I feel very afraid and alone right now.

Torvac has seen this before. It's some sort of astral sea madness. Astral sea madness, you say? Yes! Astral sea madness. Is that why there's chunks of my life entirely missing? Perhaps I was born in one of such pods. Am I really goblin? What does it mean to be goblin?

As I was saying, just listen. Get closer. Listen. Hey, you, listen. Frosty, get closer. Listen to him. What? Listen to him. Stop yelling at me. I don't understand what you're saying. He will look at you and he will start to speak in Bullywuck. Oh. Which is the language that you don't understand. That's true. So you'll be able to understand it perfectly. Great.

And he will repeat everything that he said. Oh, you want me to get closer. Why didn't you say so in the first place? Everyone's just talking madness. If you can speak Bullywug, I don't need you to get closer. Get away from me. Oh, my apologies. I'm the king. Just stand there. I'll translate. I didn't realize that you only spoke Bullywug. It's every time you...

We're speaking, you were speaking in comments, strange. It's probably why we have to be in ponds, because of the astral sea madness. That is something that the king will have to worry about later. Torbjörn, is there some megacorp that has the slogan more goblin than goblin in your timeline? Several. Oh!

I believe it's called Glorbonet. Oh! Oh no! I'm a Repligob! What the fuck is going on? Graco knows about the Repligobs! You know about- you know what the fuck they're talking about? Oh no!

Oh, sorry. Do you know what the heck? Is Nick fine? I mean, I don't really understand sort of your level of tolerance with this sort of thing. You are in the presence of royalty. I mean, we're all kind of royalty, right? Basically, practically, like I said. I mean, Master Chef is almost beyond royalty in a way. Did you all drink the Fly Manade?

I drink a little bit. I'll have some, yeah, I'll drink mine. I'm skeptical that this has caused the madness. They passed out. Oh wait, no, is this Farmer Nate? Oh, we eat proceed bugs?

Yeah, you're good. It's not red Dardoch. Oh, thank you. Oh, extra crickets. Mine came with a straw for some reason. And you have been slowly sipping on this while all of this madness has ensued and you slowly begin to come to as you realize that whatever is in this has some sort of curse curing effect and you feel the madness slip away. You no longer feel the need to interpretive dance, though it was kind of nice.

I like it when he was giving it. Later, come on. Dang, man. Okay. But regardless of all of that, the king continues, not realizing that you're under any effect whatsoever and just assuming this is your state of being, continues to explain things and then explaining them in Bullywug for Frost's

for Frost's sake. Oh, I speak Bullywood. I don't understand it, really. I can't really speak it, but... I did not ask. Oh, I'm just trying to, you know, show off a little bit. Isn't that kind of impressive? I'm not Bullywood, but I can understand it.

Known a lot of Bullywugs in my day. Yes, and which Bullywugs have you known? Do you know anyone here at the Soggy Court? Court! Does anyone here recognize any of these fellows that have found their way to our gazebo?

No, I mean, I know Francois, and I know Pierre, and I know, uh, I mean, I know plenty from back home, but none from Feywild. No, no, no. I mean, we're new here. Where is back home? Uh, back home in Ogway. Has anyone here heard of a place called Ogway? Ooh.

Door backhand! Oh yeah, me too! Does any member of the Soggy Court have heard of a place called the... Oh, Kremi, you have a flaw. Doesn't that make you a member? Oh yeah, take a look. Raise your hand. And where, perchance, did you find that brooch? I was given it, because I'm... He was bequeathed it. Don't say that, that's gross. They did like a whole background check. They did a little urine test and all that. It's all good. Cool.

What's the, what's the, what are the three rules? I just want to make sure I don't fuck this up. Do you have it? Uh, the rule of hospitality, rule of ownership, and rule of reciprocity. Oh, I don't have it. So, hospitality, ownership, and reciprocity. I was given it, uh, by a great archfiend. She, uh, sort of, you know, grandfathered me in. Who? Uh...

You ever heard of Zabilna? She was very mysterious. She refused to give her name. Zabilna? The ruler of the land? You ever heard of her? That's who gave it to me. Those brooches were created after Zabilna found herself locked in stasis.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. Clemmie, you know what? Clemmie's just trying to impress you. Who sent you? It was an archfey. It was an archfey. The archfey's name was... Archie... F... A. Nicky really wants to laugh. Okay.

- Kingdom! - I'm sorry, yeah. - How do you know that Zabillna's truly put asleep? Have you seen her? - I know what I'm told. - And you believe that? - I don't believe anything here, especially you. - Well, the good news is he doesn't believe Zabillna's asleep.

i'm not sure what's happened to zibilna entirely but i do know that her presence cannot be felt in this realm any longer and that others rule this land others who have bequeathed those brooches down to us the rulers of the soggy court

And that what you are telling me is an untruth, sir. So I would suggest, and you see as he shifts, that he moves the book in his hands. And along the spine, you can see in a silver gilded writing, Bavlorna's Big Book of Bad Blood.

And he quickly, he sees your eyes notice it for a second. He quickly moves it around behind him with the intent of hiding the book from view. As he looks out at all of you and says, I would suggest before you find yourselves in shackles that you start telling me the truth. A coup is afoot and I will not lose my kingdom anytime soon.

Well, if I may suggest, would you kindly stop believing everything I say?

All right. We're gonna kill this fucking guy in about three minutes. 22? Yeah, that's best. But he doesn't know that I cast it, unless he's super wise or something. Why would I choose to believe everything you say? Didn't we prove it? I mean, we're royalty. I'm a master chef. Kremi, Kremi, I feel like we have to level with the king.

We have to level with the king. We wanted to protect your safety and your station, and we didn't want to draw attention, but... Here, Torbjorn, would you lean down a little bit? Sure. Do you know what this is? Do you recognize this? Do you know we are here looking for the uncouth coup members on You-Know-Who, on behalf of You-Know-Who? Ah!

We are here for your protection. What are you saying? Your slugginess. Oh, Brick, I was saying that Dormek allegedly killed the guy. What? No, the canister. Oh, oops. Dormek was a legend, man. He was a legend. You can't prove anything. You begin to hear the members of the soggy court start to whisper among themselves. Did he say

killed someone. No, no, he didn't kill anybody. They're criminals. And then you hear another person say, oh, this is grand. They were looking for someone for Morgo to have to fight. Does this mean that

"Krinko, I thought that one's or I thought that was the signal!" "No, that wasn't the signal!" "No, it was the opposite of the signal! We don't have a signal!" "ALLEGEDLY!" They never proved it in court. Not in Goblin Court. They never prove anything in Goblin Court. Yeah, no, we have a very unique system. Um, we go down to the mall and settle our issues there. Do you know what Witchlight is?

Your sluminess. Everyone knows what witch light is. Have you ever seen this much witch light in your life? I have no reason to believe that is witch light. I mean, it acts like witch light. It looks like witch light. What do you think? It smells like witch light. Let's just say that to have that much witch light, it's got to be from someplace pretty powerful. And I'm just saying that's who sent us.

I am the king of the soggy court. I don't care who sent you if you cannot give me a name. How did you procure one of our soggy court brooches? Who gave it to you? Stop lying to the king. And you can see at this point he's starting to get upset. Do I remember if he said a name to like pretend to be as or like a name that he would trust?

I would say it was just, you know, less than a day ago and he told you, tell the king that I sent you. You get crimed. That you helped out at the balloon factory. Oh! Yeah. It was literally like 30 minutes ago. I thought you were doing something. Otherwise I would have been like, because we helped out at the balloon factory. Oh no, I thought, well he's, how do you feel about Bongo? I mean Bongo. I mean Bongo. I mean Bongo.

What is this gibberish that you're speaking about? Oh, just a game from back home. I'm just trying to make pleasant conversation. Anyway, the old Duke Ikrai. It is in this moment that one of the guards appears to slip on the dais and he, on the steps down from the dais, he falls forward and slams into you. There are loud clattering as the armor that's on him clanks

against itself and against you. His spear goes tumbling down the rest of the steps and sticks down into the mud. The king looks just not disgruntled, but confused.

What are you doing? Get back in your space! Oh, jeez. But you feel something put into your hand. As the guard writes himself in. Apologies, King, apologies. Algy, I slipped. My apologies. Apologies. You just got a little dirt on my...

He pulls his spear out of the muck and he steps back into formation. I'll help you back up on the dais. No, no, that's fine. It's fine. It's on the dais, on the dais. Let me brush y'all. I'm not gonna brush y'all. I'm just cleaning your shoulders. I'll just step in between the eyesight of the king. I'll put my handkerchief in, like, kind of put the nude in the handkerchief and read it real quick. Well, uh...

Anyway, I'm just trying to make pleasant conversation. The real story, this is all just prank, bro. This is all just a joke. We knew that your joke jester was tired. Yeah. He was tired of you with our antics, like me not knowing what everyone was saying. And especially the alleged murder. Yeah, yeah. We heard that your jester just had a headache and wasn't feeling in the mood today. So who sent you? You know old Duke Ikran down at the Balloon?

- Join. - Of course I know Duke Ikrind. He's been toiling away trying to put out the fires that the rebel scum set as they left the soggy court. - Well, the good news is we took care of it. We put the fire out, he's getting some rest and he's gonna get right back to making those balloons. - Procure the brooch for me. - The feds burned the ground, so. - You want this one? - Do you have another?

I pass it to him. This was given to us by Duke Dickgrind. Duke Dickgrind! Duke Dickgrind! Duke Dickgrind himself, you can see it. He inspects it and... Yes, this is clearly Duke Dickgrind's brooch. Torbek's hearing something different.

Look skeptically at all of you. I would like you to roll a persuasion check at disadvantage over how much you've lied to him. But can I roll a d100? No, just crummy, because crummy is the one. Being crummy. Good old Dick Gron. Dick Gron. Duke Dick Gron. I'm exhausted. I'm going to twist this. I've been doing this for four days. Yes. I'm going to twist this. Do it. What an unfortunate name.

You can dread me, but I rolled a natural 20. I'm not going to dread you. Let's go! 28, I think. I would like you to succeed. I don't know if lying to him is how you achieve that, but I want you to succeed. So, 22. All right, that worked out really well because he had a 20. Oh, wow. So, he got very high on his insight. I'm glad I twisted it. Hmm. Hmm.

It's the truth. Yeah. We got that from Duke Richard Grind. We can still... Do you believe, ladies and gentlemen?

Have some more Flaminade. Oh, don't mind, but-- Here's some Flaminade. I might drink that still. Two of them is two hours. We will drink the bugs. Yes, you'll have to share your recipe with us at some point. I mean, there's no reason why we can't have a cook-off to the death still.

I'm aware I'm the king. I do as I please. Okay. I make a pretty mean mushroom key. But I'm not allowing you in the palace if you're traitor, if you're treacherous. I don't know. I mean, we've... Are you loyal to the king? Absolutely. Why else would we put their fire? Then swear it. Swear your fealty to the soggy court and gain names. Ooh. Can I ask a clarifying question?

Is this more like a Scout's Honor kind of swear or one of those Eldritch Feedback kind of swears? Do you believe yourselves to be loyal to King Gullup the 19th? Well, Torvek already has a name, but he's not married to it. If you are truly loyal to the king and wish to be members, true, honest members of the Soggy Court,

and bend the knee. You know what? We are loyal to the king from a certain point of view. And then I kneel. He

The quick boing. His legs shoot out from under his rotund body. And they dangle over the edge of the throne. It's very clearly too tall for him. As he hops off, you can hear the...

the wetness of his froggy feet slap against the marble floor of the gazebo as he slowly makes his way down. Look at your face, Derek. I don't like. Sorry. I'm imagining what you're about to do to Gricko and I'm horrified. At his side, you see that he has sheathed a rapier.

He pulls it from its sheath and he looks down towards you, Gricko, and he says, Do you swear your fealty to the Soggy Court and to me, King Gullop the 19th?

I do, from a certain point of view. And he roll a, I'm going to do a sleight of hand to see if you can say that under your breath enough that he doesn't know. From a certain point of view. Everyone's such an asshole. He slips on the LTE. Oh, I don't know how my character sees that. I forgot that we played the date. That's a good point.

Let me pull it up. I think it's an 18. I want to say it's an 18. He does not seem to hear as you mumble under your breath. He takes his rapier and he places it from one shoulder to the next. Rise! Oglis Pondflower Knight. Knight of the Soggy Court. No! No!

Ogleth. Is pawnflower not all one word? No, pawnflower and then knight. So your first name is now Ogleth. Pawnflower. Knight. Ogleth? It's A-U-G-L-U-T-H. Ogleth.

Torbek was like 90% sure that Gricka was gonna have to like kiss the king's feet. This is much easier. That's also why I was making the gross comment. I immediately go kneel down next to Gricka and say, oh yeah, Torbek's in. Do you swear your fealty to the soggy court and I

King Gullop the Knight. Yeah, Torbjorn's done way worse stuff. And he quickly knights you. Arise, Ribble, Knight of the Pickled Fly. Wait, can you say that again? Ribble, Knight of the Pickled Fly. Are you sure Torbjorn can't be Torbjorn anymore? Okay.

If I could try to, as they're doing this, if I could try to make eye contact with the guy that gave me the secret note, just to get a sense of like, if he's like, I don't want to do it. You can, he is, he is behind you. And also essentially all of them, if the king were here on his throne, he's up on the dais. So I'm a dais, I'm a dais.

Thanks, Mike. And then there are a few steps that go down to where you are standing. All along those steps and up around the king are nobles in rococo garb, lazing about, enjoying the entertainment that this is. And the knights are encircled around behind him, down the steps and around the

behind you and all of them are at attention but none of them are pointing their weapons at you he is on your side halfway up the stairs towards the king's throne and so from that vantage point i'd say you could easily make eye contact with him see i'll sort of back out while this is happening and i'll like turn my head back to him and i'll just be like kind of like i'm gonna see if he tries to understand what you're saying

He looks towards you and he glances from side to side, quickly looks around to see if anyone's watching and he winks. You hear from the knight behind you, is there a problem? No, no, I'm fine. Do you have an itch? No, I'm just, you know, sometimes I just like to...

Stretch a little bit. You know, stretch my eyebrows. You ever stretch your eyebrows? Alligators have eyebrows. You know, just averages, I guess. I don't know. Oh, you know what? Maybe I should paint those up. I'll put on some eyebrows. You put them on a little too high and a little too arched so you constantly look surprised. How do I look? Oh, you look great, man. You were right. This really is kind of nice. It's like if you were in a kabuki field.

And with that, the king looks between the rest of you to see if anyone else plans to step forward and declare their fealty to the king. I am Sir Ogleth. Hello for doing this. Ponflower. Actually, you know what?

Roll a d8 for me, and maybe I'll give you different names. Me? Yeah. Are you happy with Ogleth and Ribble? Six. Ribble's kind of detached now. Ribble never thought that he'd miss Dormak, but Ribble kind of sounds like Dribble.

Honestly, it kind of fits Ribble's personality. After all, Torbek is Ribble for your pleasure. As the king begins to move away from you, Grinko, he turns his head and looks down at you. No, this won't do. You don't look like an ugly pond flower knight. No. You look much more like a splop. Well, Ribble's much happier with Ribble now. You are now a splop.

Green Baron. Ooh, a Baron! Pretty good. Oh, splop! A Green Baron. That's actually what my high school bullies used to call me, so I will answer to that quite automatically and talk to my therapist about this on Friday. The equivalent of Friday. What was my title, your kingliness? Green Baron. Oh, I'm a Green Baron.

I make very good pizza made of processed sludge. And fire the green baron. Hey, Splop, where's my homework? Oh, right away, Chatlin. Copper pieces, now!

That was really good. I don't know if Glorville packed you for lunch. I'll step forward. I will be happy to swear fealty as my friends have and will do. Kneel. Oh, I've been pronouncing that wrong the whole time. I kneel. Do you swear fealty to the soggy court and I, King Gullop the 19th?

Certainly. From a certain point of view. Roll a sleight of hand. I'm going, "Ehhhhh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know." You know. I'm going, "Huh?" Oh, Risa probably twisted. Oh, the king was a good friend. Roll a d100 this time, that'll probably be smart.

Nope. All right. Best I can do is a 12 on that one. Well, he did a five. He does not seem to hear you. He is... He is...

You see that he's moving a little more casually now. He seems to be less stiff and rigid as now the third member of this group is swearing fealty to him. It is almost as if waves of relief are coming over him as he slowly places his rapier from one shoulder to the next. Can you roll a d5 because you have one now? Yeah, isn't that wild? I got a one.

You look more like an ogleth. Rise, ogleth, pondflower knight. Ogleth. Man, I can't believe you're a pondflower. Isn't that a comic? What a stupid name. I feel like I've seen that comic. Oh, do you think it's a stupid name? Oh, yeah. Just to be honest, you're King Enies now that we're bros. Are you happy with your title? No, he hates it. I can tell. We're best mates.

Go ahead and roll a d4 and see if you like the next one. Oh. I already wrote it down. A three, perhaps. How does Grumple count of bog bottoms, Sam? Oh, yeah, yeah. You're definitely a bog bottom, Frosty. Oh, that's pretty cool! I feel it right in my Grumple.

Grumple Count of Bog Bottom. Oh, man. Count? Yes. Count Grumple? Count...

Oh, that's way cooler, Frosty. Call me the Count, because I really love to do... Wow. You look towards the two of you. Are you loyal to the crowd? Man, last time you made me swear or something, I got three wives and a husband. That's why I'm feeling... You know, they keep trying to slip something in. Just, you know, cross your fingers or something behind your back. Ah!

I'm fine. I kneel next to the Count of Bogbottom for a chance that I've seen it. Do you swear your fealty to the soggy court and I, King Gullop the 19th? Uh-huh.

He seems to feel emboldened by the fact that this is 4 out of 5 now. And he has a bit of a swagger to his step that he didn't have originally. And he quickly knights you, and can you roll a d4 for me, please? 4. Arise, Mundelmud, Earl of Swampdunk. Come on!

Yeah, okay. You have such a cool name! You are Mundlemud, Earl of Swampgunk. Ribble is really making out on this deal. Everything's coming up Ribble. Oh, that's right! Splop's got it! You're a knight of the pickled fly?

That's correct. Earl of what? What was you? Earl of Swampgunk. Swampgunk. Swampgunk. That's going to be Gideon. Welcome to the club, Mundle Mud. Yeah, happy to be here. Only one remains. I swear, your majesty.

that I won't never betray you as long as I live and I'll kneel. Torbek looks at Grigol kind of confused. Oh yeah, me too, me too. He, unlike the others, he places his hand down on your shoulder and he gives it a squeeze. You do not have any idea how relieving it is to hear that. I knew you'd say that. To a new friendship between...

The new members of the Soggy Court and their king. He smiles, a big smile that reaches his eyes. The fear that had been taking hold of him now nearly completely vanquished. He takes out his rapier and he begins to knight you. Do you swear fealty to the Soggy Court? And I, Gullop the 19th. I ain't never say no to that.

Oh, clever. It's very nice. Torbek's brow crumples even more. Frost holds back laughter. He smiles down at you and I need you to roll a d6.

While you're rolling, I have a meta question. Five. Frost, do you actually put your fingers to your head so you don't have to move or do anything? For the RP. This is just for RP. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Thank you. In my mind, I'll even sometimes flavor things with color, but in Derek's psionics, as we sometimes talk about, it just happens. You don't have to even make a movement. Right. Got it. Thank you. Sorry, continue. Five. Five.

He won't like Ogleth, either. Arise, Bloth, croaking sage. Oh. Bloth? The other choice was Boltis, Masked Crown Knight. What else you got? Ogleth, Pondflower Knight. They're all kind of bad.

I don't know, I think Ogleth sounds kind of regal, fellas. I'm gonna take Ogleth. I've already ridden Ogleth Pondflower twice and crossed it out. Another man's trash is one gated treasure, Frosty, all right? Oh, sorry, what was your name again? Oh, it's Sir Grumple, the Count of Bogbottom. Call me Ogleth, write it down again. You immediately feel a movement at your feet as something presses into your ankle cramping.

You look down and you see a baby alligator. He is wearing a cute little knight's outfit and he has a bow tie around his neck. As he looks up at you with his tiny little baby eyes, he nuzzles his little alligator nose into your ankle, recognizing alligator to alligator. - Who is that guy?

Soggy cold looks noodles found a friend. Oh, you named snoodles? And you notice that all of a sudden the king's demeanor has completely changed. What had been a very suspicious and cantankerous old frog is now a jubilous, smiling bullywug that seems so happy to have you here. Oh, I really do hope that we're going to go have... Would you do the cooking contest? Would you really do that?

I mean, yeah, I'll compete against. What was his name? Carl? That would be amazing. Yes, Carl. I was not really going to kill him. I had to say that to be threatening. I don't know if I told you. Oh, can it be 5v5? Can we, like, be his sauce chefs? Yeah, I don't need that much spotlight to do some of my things. Oh, you mean the soup chefs?

What? Souks. No, it's South Chefs. Is it really? Yes. Oh, I've been saying it wrong all this time. This is amazing. I've been living under this cloud of fear and terror for so long. But look at how strong he is. Oh, Mundelmud, you're just rippling muscles. Oh, nobody's ever going to kill a king with Mundelmud around. Well, thanks for noticing. With the five of you on my side. Oh, she finally agrees. I've been king for two days and I haven't slept a wink.

This is amazing. I'm so sorry for the way I greeted you, but welcome to my kingdom. We should go to the palace. Oh, if we go to the palace, oh, we could dress you up. That would be really cool. Is that weird? I don't mean in like a sexual way. Oh, well, that would have been the weird one. No, I mean, if you're going to perform in like a cooking competition, you should look like chefs.

Well, I have a chef's hand, but I guess they need, yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, if we're each going to make a dish, oh, will there be a grand prize for the one who impresses you the most with their dish? Philip, Philip, pull up some chairs. Let's, let's, let's bring some more food. Snacks? Oh, yes. Oh, they all bug the leader. No, we have some Chex Mix. Oh.

Oh, what is that? Oh, they're these really nice cheddar crackers that are shaped like check marks and they're all mixed together with other things. Isn't that shit always like 90% pretzels? Well, the last stuff was bugs, man. What's wrong with 90% pretzels? What the hell's the matter with you? I better hope it's 90% pretzels.

Jesus, man! You lost your damn sense! How'd you even ask a question like that? He liked the flame ape. I've told you a million times, I like pretzels, but if I want a mix of something, I don't want 90% of what I'm eating! Yeah, it's okay, I get it, you're crazy, like, ah, it's not a mix if it's 90%, it's like we're in a swamp, man! And I get that, you know, pretzels have air inherently, like, it fills it out, it's the filler, they're trying to save money, I hate it! We're gonna be stuck-

We're going on a crazy adventure. We need the carbohydrates, man. All right. I'll eat the fucking pretzels. Thank God. I'll eat the fucking pretzels. You better eat the pretzels, all right? You're wasting away your skin and bones. I didn't want to say anything. It's at this point that Philip pulls up five chairs, and he places them really closely to the throne, and you watch as King Gullop the 19th

climbs back onto the throne that's just a little bit too high for him and he sinks down into it. Philip helps him put on a bib and he gets one of his TV trays and rolls it around in the front of the throne and hands him a plate of snacks and things. He looks incredibly happy. Can you have one of those kid cuisines with the penguin on the side? No, it's not. What is it?

Is it called Hungry Man? The potatoes will be hot for a while. Bring your king a Hungry Man. No, it's Hungry Man, ooh-ooh. Hungry Man, ooh-ooh. Give me the dinosaur chicken.

You know that's my favorite. Oh, and the brownie, I love the brownie. TV dinner and a fresh copy of Bully Jugs. It's like the old days, lads. Oh, you've read Bully Jugs? We'll have to talk later. Yes, yes. Oh, take a seat, take a seat. Unfortunately, I have read the most recent issue. What brings you to the Soggy Court?

Oh, well, you know, we were just sort of enjoying the scenery, you know. And how do you find it? Do you like it? Yeah, it's not bad. How is my rule? I've only been king for a short while, two days. Yeah, I mean. But I've made a lot of changes. It's very nice to be in downfall. Doesn't feel like two days, man. It feels like at least three. You really got this figured out. Yeah, yeah. He reaches out and he grabs your hand. Oh. That means a lot to me. What? Oh.

- Oh man, I looked from his hand to his copy of Bully Jones back in the day. - You don't see a copy of Bully Jones. - Oh, oh, he's reading Bully Jones over there. - He has the book that he had been hiding behind himself, the one that says, "Bavlorna's big book of bad deeds, bad blood."

And you look at it quickly enough to see that there is very clearly no magazine stuck inside of it. So whatever that image had been, it must have been a different day. You still know that he read it, though. You still know that he read it. Oh, so he goes, this is just normal, slob. And that it was on this throne.

We just covered an algae. And he did turn on Beneath Deck on the Bravo channel. Laughter Laughter Shovel web. Laughter Ripple has it on good authority that that show is entertaining. Laughter Cornu Clementine. Laughter Laughter Laughter

I don't know why I'm so candid. Yeah, Karemi, you're a little-- Oh, I'm worked up, man. He's worked up. It's a whole mixed thing. No good upstart. You're a little Ken O'Ponkerose, you know? Little pretzel thing is just gotten to y'all. It is around this time that Phillip, accompanied by a few other of the kitchen help, makes their way over to you.

Each of them carrying an individual. It's kind of like going to the movies as a kid where they bring you the box that's got the small drink and the side of popcorn and a little bit of candy. They bring you your own little mini version of the Hungry Man uwu. Ew. Malt balls. They're actually moss balls.

Watch it down with some fly meat. This one's with pulp.

Mmm, wingy. Pick a wing out of it, Gildenwell. So you will make any interesting decrees, my king? Well, not as of yet. Immediately upon becoming king, there has been a coup.

I believe that one of my former knights has gone rogue and plans to... That's unheard of in Downfall. I can't imagine. He looks down at the little plush bed next to his throne where Snoodle is curled up, snoring softly. I can't imagine leaving Snoodle an orphan.

He's a cute little guy. Did you name him, Snoodle? I did, yes. I found him at the edges of the swamp before I was king. He had, someone had set out a hunting trap. I'm imagining it's one of those awful rabbits over at... Oh, they're all dead.

Oh, thank God something killed. I feel horrible. That was the murder we were talking about. No, no, no. It hasn't been proven. We don't know. No, no, no. Death is not something we should rejoice in. I'm sure they had their...

Good qualities. But... I don't think so. Snoodle had gotten caught in a trap and his leg was broken. If you look, you can see his scar and you can see on his back left leg there is a scar that's been mended over. He couldn't walk and it was clear that there had been a struggle. I imagine they had taken the mother and Snoodle was left to die. I couldn't leave him there all on his own.

So I put him in my pack and I fed him by hand for the first few nights until he had his strength back. And he's been with me ever since, my little companion. And he reaches down the best he can, but he can't reach it. His arms are too short. So you see to the side of him, he's got a long stick with a little frog claw on the end of it. And he uses it to scratch noodles back. That's very sweet. Now that you are king, you could perhaps have a pool made for him.

What a lovely idea, his own snoodle pool. Yes. Hmm, I do like that. I'm trying not to do anything too selfish in the beginning with the soggy court. Actually, we are going to have a glorious evening tonight of revelry, soggy court. To the palace with you all. Prepare yourselves.

for a night of enjoyment. And you see all of the people that are milling around the gazebo begin to start to stand. Oh, the child Lila. There's the entertainment. Do you think he's got that, huh?

"Oh, I sure do hope he opens this year, dear Julia." And they begin to-- they begin to right themselves and open their parasols as they create a line formation and head off towards the distance, where you can actually see a large, partially sunken palace. And they all begin to make their way there to ready themselves for the night's revelry.

Well, I'd be fascinated. We can speak in private now. You never know, even amongst friends, who has negative intentions. Now is a great time to talk. What do you mean? There's much to be done as king. There's so much governance and policy, laws to be passed and reexamined, and then, of course, there's bureaucracy, the importance of which is understated by many.

I hate you, Frosty. You're my best friend, but I hate you. Do you have a job? Not currently, unless you consider account. Accountant.

You can be the accountant to the king. Well, I'm already count, so accountant of bog-bottom scenes. Oh, perhaps master of coin. I like that. Oh, master of coin. You and I will have to have a talk. I have plans, grand plans for this place. I want to make the Soggy Court a place of joy.

Yeah, we also had a friend named Twig, but she just took the last bus out of town for a little bit. I'm sorry? We had a friend. We had a friend. I'm just saying, if anyone shows up later, she's with us. If she's a restroom hat, she's got big ol' spectacles. Where else is she looking at? She's got a little... She's like right there.

She's not. She's not? Oh. No. So if someone, if she does show up. But if you were to look around, you would easily be able to see that she is sitting next to Clapperclaw on the bridge. They seem to be having a lively conversation as she is showing Clapperclaw the inside of her acorn bag. Oh, she's got a backpack that looks like an acorn that looks like a house? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So if she shows up or our friend Clapperclaw, who is a little scarecrow of Crabclaw's and a gourd for a head, they are with us.

And they are not to be harmed or molested. Yes. Duly noted. Thank you. And if you think she allegedly killed somebody, you should see, you know, what she can allegedly do. Pretty impressive. The people you're talking about currently.

Never mind. So anyway, what do you mean by, you know, speaking privately? I'm curious to see what you might want to talk about. Really anything you want to talk about, but it's... I can't begin to tell you how relaxing it is to finally be able to feel like I can be myself. You see, the Soggy Court is one of death and terror. That's right. Monarchy does not last long, for once one rises, there are many in the ranks that...

will pretend to be your friend and stab you in the back at a moment's chance. I was going to ask, uh, how did you ascend to the king of the Nincei? My brother, Crocus Aurelius, was a wicked, wicked bulldog. And his best friend, the former king, they were out on a stroll around the lake when Aurelius held him under, drowning him. Sadly, poor Aurelius,

Wow.

So what do we do? They decided next in line would be as close as Kim. And that was me. Oh. So you actually... His older brother. Didn't stab the back in order to become Kim. No, not at all. I had always wanted to be a horticulturalist.

A what? A horticulturalist. Oh, a horticulturalist. You got a word at all that the poisonous monster of that lake is the rightful king of the soggy court? Well, it's possible. If that thing, which we don't know what it is, but if it were to make its way out here and let me know, I would give it its... I don't want to die, is what I'm trying to tell you. I don't know how to be king, and I know that there are tons of people with their eyes on especially Babylonians.

May I confide in you? Of course. Something I have told no one. Oh, you can tell us anything. We're the most trustworthy people you've ever met. He reaches behind his back and he pulls out this gigantic book. This is Bavlorna's book. It's where she writes all of her grudges. I had it stolen, for I feared that she did not like me much and that I would find my name written in this book.

To my surprise, I don't think she has any clue who I am. At least not yet. So I'm not in there. But I now have the problem of having her book and her eventually finding out it's gone. And I don't think I'll live through her finding out that I'm the one that has it. Now you see, there is over on the further docks a strange storm cloud.

You've seen our balloons, yes? The ones we sew together? The swamp gas balloons? Oh, yes. Well, from one of the other lands, Yon, I believe, a strange cloud flew in the day my brother died and has been parked there ever since. Oh. A group of darklings. They run a shop called Bubble and Charms. Three of them. One of them I met with when they entered the domain and...

We could do that.

Oh, I mean, let me know if this sounds crazy. Oh, yeah, this is gonna be a good one. This is very clever. What if he just took care of the whole, you know, Babylon of the town thing? The Babylon of it all. Oh. Yeah, what he said. He, for the first time since he started to get comfortable, he stiffens and he looks around. I would be careful what you say, even when there are no members of the soggy court around.

There are minuscule spies everywhere. Well, no, I just mean, you know, like, take care of it in terms of, like, we'll go to her directly and explain the situation and not mention your name at all and we'll blame it all on those Darkling fellas. Oh! Well, from what I know, she's currently tied up in audience with the leader of the Darklings. I'm not sure she's taking visitors, but...

perchance tomorrow I could see about getting you an audience with her though my fear is the only way to get an audience with her is through the king and if I give you an audience with Bavlorna and you return her book she's going to wonder where the book come from how did they get the book

Why did the king send them up here with the book? Oh, this is a conundrum. Well, I believe Crammy, in his great wisdom, was suggesting that we perhaps do a bit of a false flag and frame it on the fairies what came in on the balloon.

Perhaps triggering a war between sisters? You know, we have a new friend who taught us a lot about war crimes and I'm finally catching up to speed. Who's that? Twig. Oh! She's really good at it. That's true. Looking through this book, I do notice that most...

of the entries in this Bavlorna's big book of bad blood are entries about her sisters. So I believe that this plan might just work. Oh. I mean, I wasn't being fully serious, but yeah, that sounds really great. Let's do a false flag for me. But I think that you will not be able to go to Bavlorna as an ally of the king.

Lest something go awry and it come back on me. Well, I mean we just came out of the balloon factory where somebody had stolen a bunch of her embers So she's getting stuff stolen constantly. Maybe we just say we found it there. Maybe that's like, you know Amongst other stolen goods that we had nothing to do with mind you. Smart thinking. Well, you know. Why don't we just plant it on them? If you give us that audience we'll be like, hey

You search that shop, you'll find it. No, no, no, no. 'Cause then if she takes him, she can't take him alive. 'Cause then when she tortures them, they will definitely go, they're gonna squeal and say, "Oh, come back to the king! We gotta cook! We gotta tie up the loose French, guys!" You're talking about like... Yeah, I feel like this is escalating very quickly. Hold on, hold on. How many of them are there? There are three. Is anyone gonna miss them if they disappear?

She said they were nice guys, man. So nobody's gonna miss them. They were quite nice to me. Yeah, he's a king. They offered to help me. And they had a great selection of wares. Many that we never see here in Hither. Oh!

I have an idea. Another one. Alright. We still, just for fun of it, we still commit a false flag. Yeah. And we, however, pin it on the rabbit folk. And say that fucking prick, what's his face, took it. And we killed him.

And we brought it back in great fail-to. Well, you would have to have proof that you'd killed Agdon Longscarf. Oh, yeah, we have his bloody blue scarf. It's a more purple scarf now, you know, red and blue. He seems really intrigued at this. This sounds like it could work. Oh, really? I'm not sure how happy Bavlorna will be to find out that Agdon has met his demise. So?

It's nothing like, I mean, the death of a traitor is to be celebrated. But if he did steal from her, then his name will go in the book. But you have killed him, so his name will be scratched out of the book, and you will be rewarded handsomely for your service to her.

If you can pull off that ruse, I think that just might work. Oh, Twig has taught me quite well. That was remarkable, Gorgel. Guys, if we're going to do that, can we practice? Ribble doesn't want to mess this up. Don't worry, Ribble. You are a natural born killer.

Um, Red Bull doesn't think so. It will be... No. Go back to Amon Longscoth for friggin' Prince of Mincemeat. Oh, man. That was good. Yeah, no.

No, no, no. Rather than the Game of Thrones, he was the Game of Pies. Come to Game Boy! I don't get it, but I like that we killed him. You know what? The only thing I don't like about this plan is I really wanted that lightning balloon, man. No, we just, no. That's why we don't kill them. We just say, oh, remember. At the very least, I would suggest if you're, are you

Are you going to stay here in Downfall forever? Well, probably not. No, no. I mean, you never know. Not for the night, I don't think. Never seen heaven. Oh, we could come back to visit in case you want to, you know, visit a filthy, dirty swamp. We'll certainly be staying tonight. Who will protect me when you're gone? We're all quite tired. Who will protect Snoodle? That's a good point. Our mission is to make sure that you're protected even without us.

- To make sure that that safety net is important. - Yes. - Yes. - It is-- - Well, I would suggest if you have plans that would take you further into the former realms of delight, that you stop by Bobble and Charm and see what they have to offer. At least what information they can give you about their dealings with Babylonia. Though they were kind to me,

There was something about them that was off, suspicious. Though to be fair, until you allowed me to knight you and you swore your fealty to me and now I trust you explicitly and completely in all ways, I was very suspicious of you too. But I think that they might have some answers that you seek. There is also another who I am feeling conflicted about.

The laws of this land required me to lock her up and schedule her for a duel to the death. Morgo, the former Knight of Warts. She assisted her dearest companion, a friend of a long time, and I believe her secret love interest partner. In his escape... I didn't know that.

In his escape from downfall... Yep. Oh, he had a downfall. They had somehow gained intel that Bavlorna had stolen and trapped a fairy dragon, a knight of the Queen Titania of the Summer Court, against his will. Something, and I'm not sure what, convinced them to break their oaths to rescue this fellow. And they did...

at first attempt to do this cleanly and without harming anyone else by simply stealing one of the balloons that Morgo worked on. She was one of our top balloon engineers. Oh. It was my brother's doing that harm befell them and that she had to sacrifice herself to allow them to escape. And though I know they have

Donanoobsie, I feel a sense of sorrow for them. Do you know why they did it? I don't. But Morgo, if she felt that you were trustworthy, may tell you, may answer your questions. I'm the king, and I am her captor, her jailer. She's not going to tell me anything. And, to not prevent an even worse coup than the one that's already in the works...

I have to live by certain rules, lest I not place another target on my back. The Soggy Court has a want for blood. A duel to the death. I would ask that on your way to Bobble in Charm, that you would speak with her. And I will give you this.

And he goes to his lapel and you see that he has an even more elaborate frog charm than the one that was given you. This is clearly the charm of the king. He unpins it from his shirt and he hands it to you. "This will allow you entry to anywhere that you so choose inside of Downfall. You are the many hands of the king now." "Er." "My loyal and trusted friends.

The only people in this place that I would trust with my life. From a certain point of view. And with Snoodle's life. Well, we've got to protect Snoodle at any cost. The guards will allow you in to speak with Morgo. And should it make sense to do so, if there needs to be a duel to the death, maybe one of you would volunteer as her challenger. Yes, I think there may be something in that to...

Find a way to make sure everyone is happy at the end of this. But keep your heads held high. For now, you walk through downfall as the hands of the king. Oh, man. That's quite the honor. Thank you, your kingliness. Know that those that have my worst interest at heart shall now have yours as well. Take care, my friends.

for this path is perilous. And if we need to speak to you again, just, you know, perilous? Oh, I will either be here at the gazebo eating one of my hangry man's food. Ooh, yeah. What is this? Oh, they did bring me the one with the gooey brownie. I love this. He picks up the giant gooey brownie, starts to eat it. Careful, it's hot. Oh, my God, wow.

Otis quotation marks around the word brownie. His tongue rolls out and his long frog tongue is dangling while it's... This may be an inopportune time, but we want to make sure that you can defend yourself, teach a frog to catch flies...

As is said. But, like, I feel like we need some real cultural reforms to prevent you from being murdered in your sleep. But that's what I was hoping, that the five of you would stay here always, because with the strength that you five clearly possess, no one would dare touch a hair on my head. And my text book. While I was able to make the changes that need to be made in this place. Though I fear that as long as a certain storm cloud hangs over the land...

No real change will ever take foot. It's my hope, however, that during my life, I hope it shall be long, I can do one thing.

make the people happy. Well, instead of having a hereditary monarchy with so much power that people are so desperate for, have you considered just establishing a constitutional republic where the executive branch has very minimal power and legislation is in the hands of the legislative branch, where the power is so constrained there is nothing to be gained personally? Yeah.

What the hell did he learn words so good? Think about it sometime. I can't believe it. You have been listening, Gricko. Probably all the drugs in the air at the carnival. Oh, yeah. Maybe that's something to do with the pods. But in the meantime, we can talk about our favorite games. What's your favorite color?

Well, I mean, we should really be getting going. We don't really like to commit to favorite comics. It's kind of late. It's like the equivalent of past 6 p.m. We should get going. I do hope that you would show up this evening. I promised the Soggy Court that there would be an event, a gala.

And so we do. I promised we would do Electrum Chef. And no, I'm the king. I could order you. I won't, though. You're my friends now. If you want some kind of competition, we could do that. So maybe you could stop by and talk to Morgo and maybe perchance purchase some things, gain some intel from Bobble and Charms, and then loop your way back around to the Soggy Palace. And once there, we'll get you outfitted in your gear to perform in Electrum Chef, and then we'll have some fun and games. Yes.

We'll end the night with a lovely bit of theater. Do you know how slowly we're getting? Oh, have you performed in the theater before? You just described four sessions of things. Yeah, we'll do it. Oh, that sounds lovely. And that's before we even get to the shop. We're going to platinum this bitch. Look.

You can stop worrying. Like you said, we're awfully powerful and we will stop at nothing to make sure that Snoodle stays safe. For now, I have no doubt that that is true. All of my guards have been vetted to make sure that none of them have any ties to the coup. Oh, what's your vetting process like? It's long and arduous. It takes about 13 minutes. What?

But they've all gone through it, which is rigorous. And every single one of them is completely honorable, trustworthy, and have no ties to Coodle. And they've seen the cup and everything? Wow. Should we have them do that? Oh, yes. It's really important. You broke the seal, man. I don't think they have forensic testing in the Fade Wild. Oh, yeah, I guess that's... What's a carbohydrate? Oh, that's fair. Yeah.

So, at least while my guards are around, you have nothing to fear. Your king is safe. That's right. We'll talk about establishing a senate and perhaps a house of representatives later. You know, we're going to have to cancel that Bunko game in order to do all this. Look. I've never played Bunko, but one of my guards was talking about it once. It seemed like a fun game. Oh, I have to hit him up. It is fun. He's the one that stumbled into you. I apologize for that, by the way. Oh, could we have protection? Can we bring him along?

Or is he too tired or something?

Well, he's one of my most loyal guards. I feel like we need protection from your most loyal guard, only a guard you can trust. But didn't I just knight you because you're protection enough in and of yourself? Five, where I come from is a very unlucky number. We need a six. I will consider it. And if he is interested, I like that my guards have agency. Okay. And I'm not going to force him to throw himself into turmoil. Okay.

to the depths of danger. You can tell him that we'll... But if he chooses that he would like to accompany you, I will let him know you have made your way to the jail to speak with Morgoth. You have already learned the first step of a good governance. Well done, you king. This was a test.

And you passed with flying colors. Hey, you passed. Oh, give me another hit of that fly, mate. I finished it. Oh. Oh, this isn't dregs. Oh, friends is on. Would you guys want to watch this episode? This is the one where he just looks distracted as he's watching the major image. Oh, no, let us. Okay, goodbye.

- Goodbye, goodbye, Snoodle. - We watched 22 minutes of Friends and then we left. - He doesn't seem to notice as you make your way out, but he is enraptured by the major image that's playing before him as one of the frog wizards is keeping the image going and he is enjoying himself while he eats his hungry man uwu. - How old were the people in Friends supposed to be?

How did Ross become a professor at a major museum? That's impossible at his age. That's what I said last time. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Crammy already said that joke. Oh, no. I think Frost got the amnesia thing.

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And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice and miniatures and plushies, a tarot deck and more. Torbeck thanks you. You have made your way from the gazebo, left the king behind in his state of comfort for the first time in a few days.

He seems to be relaxed, a different king than the man you met when you first stepped into the gazebo. One that has put his full trust in you, for better or for worse. As you begin to make your way through the rest of Downfall, you now hold in your possession a brooch of the king. A brooch that he claims will get you wherever you need to go. It will give you power and abilities that you would not have had otherwise had you not

Okay.

You are walking along a path. The rocks are settled down into the muck, creating a pathway, stepping stones. As you make your way through low-hanging mangrove trees, night is falling in downfall.

the lightning bugs are zipping this way and that, illuminating the path. You notice that the lamp posts that are sunk down into the muck are filled with buzzing lightning bugs that are now awake and just illuminating the area. Bits of yellows, bits of green. But you begin to notice that there are other bugs in very similar forms of different colors. Purples, pinks, blues, reds, oranges.

A veritable rainbow of illuminated insects that buzz around you and dance through the forests, or dance through the swamps at night. And it is peaceful. The temperature has dropped. The cool breeze kisses your skin. You feel like for a moment you can breathe. You have a mission ahead of you. A few things that the king has asked of you. And though we didn't talk about you procuring it, I'll say you do have Bavlorna's big book of...

bad blood. - Yeah, we agreed to take it. - You agreed to take it. And so you do have that on your persons as you make your way through the swamp. - You guys like that trick I did?

Whole double negative thing. What? Please. Please. I'm not after you, good sir. Ribble was going to bring that up. Ribble wasn't so sure while...

Ogleth was talking so weird, and then Sploop and Grumple kept saying something along the lines of point of view. You can keep calling me Mr. Kremings, fine. I mean, I don't even remember my name. Oh, it's Ogleth. I can't believe you just so willingly, you know, you didn't try any kind of shenaniganery. You just literally pledged fealty. No. To...

I didn't. That's the thing. Yes you did! You didn't even say from a certain point of view. No, he did a very clever thing, Graco. Why don't you explain what it did for us? He used a double negative. Is that like a super bad thing? No, no, no. It's a, uh... It cancels itself out. If I were to say, for example, um... I don't want no fly... maid. Then I ain't gonna bring you no fly maid. LAUGHTER

This must be a goblin or a thing. Ribble doesn't get it either. Flop doesn't get it either. I don't understand. Let me try it this way. If you ain't gonna bring me no flymaid, what if I were to say to you, don't ever not bring me no flymaid? No.

i ain't gonna bring you no fly mode that's a lot of knobs and domes that's the super super times no yes that's what he did oh wait super times no i didn't super time no you should super never gonna betray you no but gringo thinks that a triple negative is what a double negative is because of the way gringo talks if there's an odd number of nose that means no if there's an even number of nose that means yes you understand

I ain't not gonna do it. This reminds me of the time where Uncle Globo said, "Alright, Griggo, always remember the two rules. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left."

I always kept that close to me heart. I would like you all to roll, er, to flip a d2. Oh, good. This is good. I'm gonna steal your flipper. Oh yeah. I got one again. Kraken. I also got Kraken. That's a two? Two. I got a one. Kraken, two.

Oh, Kraken is a one. No, Kraken's a two. No, Kraken's a two. There's literally a one on the other side. Oh, I said Kraken's worth a two. Because it's Max. So wait, so who got twos? So three of you got twos. So Torbek and Kremi. It's Red Bull. And Gideon. Splop got a one. Okay. I'm never going to remember all these. Then I'll roll d20s for you. I have it written down quite nicely.

Oh, we're all rolling at a two-event. Ribble got a 16. Splop got a 17. Well, that's a seven from me. Okay, hold on, let me write them down. So seven. What did you get, Torbek? 16. What did you get, Gricko? 17. Frost? Five. Master Chef Crabby LeCoult got a two. Okay. Oglyph. Perfect. So Oglyph. You may continue your adventures.

I feel like we're going down cul-de-sac and finding another cul-de-sac and then finding another cul-de-sac. But I do think that there is a way for us to do one thing and then the next thing and the next thing and eventually get back to the Slanty Tower and release that fairy dragon and eventually get back to our larger... The fairy dragon was already released. We sent a flying pig over to the fairy dragon, man. I mean, he's good. Yeah, he's fine.

He's probably back in the summary court drinking Martyrs. Yes, I'd forgotten. Yes. Listening to the Beach Boys. Torbek, Ribble, as this is happening, your nose begins to elongate. Uh-oh. As blood begins to fill this new appendage on your face. Uh-oh.

You all watch as you feel this tingling sensation in your nose, but as you touch and pat it, you're like, oh, no, it's just my normal nose. But the rest of you notice as Torbek begins to pat down his face, and you all watch as the nose elongates and forms a phallic object as a flapping penis appears where his nose should be.

Whoa! Whoa! Oh my god. I had to roll a dexterity saving throw to get out of bed. Oh my god. What's the matter? Torbix. It's Ribble. Ribble. Thank you. It's...

I can't look at you right now. It's just so much. Why? Can you tuck that into your shirt? Oh, no! I'll be on my hands and knees. You look like a Dr. Seuss character.

- Rebel is even more confused than the no, no, no conversation. - Like a continental soldier, right? - It really gets revolted for your pleasure. - Thank you, Jeff. - I made that joke earlier. - I know, but it hits different now. - They're saying that you grew an elephant's trunk, man, out of your face.

Do you feel it? No, no, no. Ripple had an itch, but Ripple can't see anything. Because Gid couldn't feel it. I tested that. Wait, that's never happened to me, man. Well, look, all I'm saying is don't be self-conscious. He stinks, he's disgusting. As you're saying this, you feel yourself being pulled deeper inside of you.

Almost as if you are entering a dark room. Oh no. And then you see that your body is not under your control. A new entity has taken hold. A clown. Someone who has never been here before. Rising from the depths of hell. I'm cooking a pizza. What?

BUMBO has entered the chat. What the hell? What? Which one was in the... Was that the meatball one? The felt allergy. The felt allergy. The felt allergy.

You're looking at Bumbo and you feel immense sorrow and as you fall in love with the first person you see

I just wanted to retire. I was just two weeks from retirement and you've just killed me. Oh. What does Bumbo look like?

Bumbo is an older clown, and his color scheme is completely black and white. He has one of those little cone hats with a black fuzzy ball on the end. He has a frill around the collar, and he has very sad clown makeup on with black painted tears dripping down his face. I was going to say the dots here. I love this. Exactly right. You're almost classic, like Pagliacci. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't even mean to kill you, man. I mean, you had a damn felt allergy. It wasn't even... Wait, did you kill him with Lord Goodberry? And as you're saying this, Gricko... Yo. You realize that things are not as they seem. But not for you. You have all the information. You're a spy.

You're committed to never revealing your mission. These idiots don't know what lies in their midst. I immediately stop what I'm doing.

I had 23 grandchildren. Damn. I ain't never been sad that I killed a clown before, man, but seeing you here personified on my best friend, I mean... Oh, oh, oh. Something about your monochromatic lack of color just sparkles, man. I just can't believe I took you away from this world, and I just...

Now I gotta think about all the beautiful things you would have brought in- -Kenneth! You're gonna blow our cover. -What? What are you, some sort of fucking rookie? Is this your first mission? What the hell are you talking about, man? We came here for a reason. I expect you to follow orders. What? The King's orders? Yeah.

I like this, Gricko. The king's, no, the queen's orders. Who else? You're being kind of a jerk, man. How dare you insult the queen? Now we need to go drink some clear liquor and meet some very promiscuous women. Okay, I mean, that sounds a little bit better. The anger on Gricko's face is clear. He's frustrated with Gideon.

And the vein throbs in his neck. I don't like the way you're talking to me, but I like what you're saying. Frost, you are convinced that you are a vampire. You aren't. And that vein throbs with healthy goblin blood.

Go on, Griggo. Frosty. Yes? I thought we've been... How long have we been partners? For a long time. Can you talk some sense into this rookie here? Listen, man. Listen, I can't go with you for clear liquors and blue swimming right now, okay? I'm...

I don't know, something's happening. Then you're not allowed to be a spy. What the hell is the matter with you, man? First of all, yes I am. Second of all, how do you know?

And you need to have a taste for overly expensive cars that might appeal to men in their 20s to 30s. Well, I mean, I like that lightning balloon. No, you're getting me off the track, man. It's easy for the sake of a private placement. I've made a very nice deal with... Do you need something, Agent Frosty?

Bluh, nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Would you like to laugh? Yeah. I took out a balloon.

Oh god. This always happens. You have to make a full seal with your mouth in order to create suction. No, my doctor says I have the COPD and I don't have the lung strength anymore. Ow! Oh, Ribble stepped on Ribble's nose. Oh, Ribble. Agent R. Oh, yes? Agent R.

You're gonna compromise this whole mission with that thing. Ribble, you're gonna step on that here. Let me hold on to that for you for a moment. Oh! Oh! Oh!

What? He can't keep stepping on this. It's dangerous. I don't want Rimmel's abrasion. It would help if it was stretched out a little bit. You could use that. Water stretched out. What? Oh, the balloon. Oh. Oh.

As you grab... As he slinks away, I'm going to pull up my ocarina and I'm going to set it to a meaty big jazz band. And it'll be...

And then we're gonna start all falling through. Oh, yeah. Okay, I just triggered a very overly long title montage. It'll be atmospheric and more metaphorical, but we have some time until anyone figures out what we're doing. We need to move along. Mm-hmm. What are you doing today? Hey, Bumble, buddy, what's wrong, man? You wanna talk about it?

I'm here for you, alright? You just keep on crying. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm very confused right now. I mean, he's got a giant penis. I thought it was an elephant trunk at first. It's so big. I've come to realize it's actually just a penis. If I wasn't, I think, so in love with you, I'd be very, very uncomfortable by this. But that's, you know, why I'm looking at you like this. Do you guys want to play some Silver Nose?

What? No, no, we shouldn't be messing around with silver. Why? Silver knows, Frosty. No, no, no, not that. You always play peasant number three. Well, we've lost Frosty. I'm going to trigger, I'm going to, I'm going to press his, I'm going to flip his kill switch.

The cyanide capsule in his gums are triggered now. No! What? What? Why? I'm trying to be a bat. I'm hanging upside down from a branch at this point. I'm sorry, Frosty. God saved a queen for Goblin Town, Frosty. For Goblin Town. Soon enough. You can't see me. Soon enough. You can't see me. It's...

I tried to really get back to a clown. Frosty, do you taste cyanide at all? Do you taste cyanide? No. Did I put cyanide in that? Or did I fill it with paprika? They look so much the same. Do you taste paprika? No.

Weirdly, yes. Ah, fuck! Weirdly, yes! That's very strange. Fuck! I am going to turn into a mist so that you can't kill me. Frost can do that? No, no, Frost can't do that. Oh, see, this happened before. We've got to take him to the farm. Okay.

Stretching it through the board! You know, Bumbo, I'm awfully sorry that you accidentally killed-- you fell onto our good friend, Lord Goodberry.

If it would make you feel better, we could help you get your groove back in a cooking competition if you want to cook into pizza. I could do that? Yeah, yeah. You could probably stick along for the total adventure. Is the prize to escape clown hell and regain my life? We could talk to the king about it.

I mean, he hasn't said that he can't do that. I mean, we don't know that they're not the prize, to be fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we need to get serious about his mission. I have balloon spaghetti for you. Oh, man, I'm gonna treasure this. It's a gift forever. I love it. You do? Yeah, I love it. Thank you for that. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh my god. We're gonna go out like those fucking-- The weasels from Roger Rabbit! Fucking Roger Rabbit. I can just sit by him.

Oh, God.

Just for the first time in a decade, just a little bit of a smile. Kind of just creases on his mouth because he believes it truly does like the balloon spaghetti. Exactly, and I'm the Green Baron, so we can open up a pizza. We can compete in the closing aisle with the hungry man, Uwu. We'll have Green Baron. Green Baron.

- I'm a bean bear with pizza. What's this? - I can only cook with the pizza. I'm a man. - And I'm like, am I a ghost?

Or am I corporeal? No, you're corporeal. You have taken form in this body. You are painted on Kremi. Yeah. Right? You're like a weird hybrid of Kremi and what Bumbo was. And so I'm going to fly past my ghost hand Gideon and just be like, oh, well, yeah. I'll take a little squeeze there if you want. Do you like a bath?

I may be dead, but I'm also Italian. If you're offering squeezes, Ribble wouldn't mind if you squeezed his nose.

I mean, if you're offering. Oh, my God. Oh, like this? Oh! Not so hard. Is that how you want it? Ease into it a little. You know, you don't want to just, like, crank it up to 11, you know? All right, here I go. Oh!

Didn't expect that one. Seeing this, I pull a branch off of a tree and I just... You got this, Frost. Just end it.

I can't do it. I sure hope this doesn't awaken something in me. Frosty, think of your honor.

Think of your honor, your God, and your queen. You now look like Pinocchio when he's got the 12-foot-long, like, clamped nose. Oh! Oh! Oh! No, I'm short! I'm short! I'm not here! I'm not here! I'm taller! I'm way taller than you! I'm ducking. I'm ducking. I squeeze it too hard! LAUGHTER

Ow, my nose! Ow, my nose! Ow, my nose! Everybody's an idiot. I'm gonna go pay a visit to my old flame, Ivanos Long.

Oh, was that the girl that showed up dancing promiscuously in the cutscene that played that day? Yeah, you were paying attention to that? Yeah, I was watching. I mean, it was pretty cool. Yeah, usually people just go to the bathroom. Oh, yeah.

It's so fucking long! It's like, "Okay, we get it, you got the popular modern artist to do this song, no one cares." "No one cares." Yeah. Yeah.

Gosh. I agree, Griggo. And then the craziest thing is I'll get to have an affair with her and then she'll either die tragically or just disappear in the next adventure. I don't have to think about it, you know? She certainly won't show up with all of her blood drained. Yeah. That's oddly specific.

I mean, you know, after I'm done with her. I'll have a whiskey, triple up, hold the rock. I'm realizing this persona as a griggo, I don't understand cocktails, but I'm still trying to. I think Frosty might actually be a vampire. Okay, Andy, roll a d20 for me, please. Mm-hmm.

I would be honored as long as my nose penis goes away. I got a two. Oh wait, do I need to flip a coin first? I'm gonna pick. Okay. Oh, now you can compare. I love that. I love that. The clown session has begun.

I mean, that is what number two is on my list. Andy, are you prepared for your clown? You know, I was going to prepare today and I ran out of time. I could do it. It won't be as good as I was hoping. Then I'll give you the other one. You develop a sudden and intense fear of all forms of magic, which you don't believe is real.

All right. I also feel like four clowns in one episode is probably too many. Okay. All right.

You all watch as Torbek's nose begins to shrink like a slinky and bounds back into his face and becomes Torbek's normal nose again. Like the plug on a vacuum cleaner. I was thinking it would be more like Tetsuo's arm at the end of the movie. Tetsuo from the movie Akira? Yeah.

Also accurate. Or it's a measure. So many things are like Torbek's penis now. It's unbelievable. Isn't that kind of weird? I'm a spy. I'm a frost. I mean a grumble. You keep mentioning it. I'm a spy. We give it. I'm a spy. Krimney, can you roll a d20 for me, please?

I hate to say it. Nine. I gotta say, man, it's not a very good spy tactic to walk around announcing loudly that you're a spy. I wanted to roll a spy character and I don't even know who I'm spying for. You keep talking about the queen and as far as we know, there ain't no queen around here. The goblin queen? Is there a goblin queen? Yes, of course. Oh, well. I mean, her, her, you see. Does that make you a double agent? Oh my goodness.

Crummy, you begin to feel Bumbo fading away.

And Bumbo can feel it too. - No, Bumbo, please! - His time on the material plane is fading and Gideon, as you watch him, staring at him lovingly, you begin to see the monochromatic color begin to shift as he looks transparent for a moment. And you begin to see Kremi's features protruding more and more from Bumbo's clownish form until eventually there's no trace of Bumbo left. - Pray for me, Gideon! - And standing in front of you.

Oh, you sad, beautiful bastard. Don't leave. We've had enough tragedy here. Life is a comedy. Where did that come from? And what happens? You are cramming again. Can I use twist to reroll mine? I'm tired of being a spy. I need more prep time to do some James Bond. You don't need to roll twist to do that. I'm getting to you. I feel like a...

Just had a good long cry. And you do. Your eyes are swollen. Your nose is stuffy. You feel red in the face. Or is that just because your face is changing? Where there had been an alligator head, there is now the head of a jackass. And also a donkey. That's funny. Thanks.

Why do I have the sudden urge to say he and hall? Hee-haw.

Oh, great. It's my partner from the CIA for this mission. Can I have you roll a d20 for me? Yeah, I'll say, oh, leave it to this guy to say we need to commit a false flag, destabilize the local populace, and install a ruler that is on our side. Can you believe this guy? Nine. I roll again. 19. 19.

Wait, who said that? I said that? No, you said that. Classic C.I.F.A. You are convinced that one of the party members is a doppelganger in disguise, and you must determine who they are before they can betray you all. That's shit. It's a spy with a mission. I really enjoyed the joke C.I.F.A. I'm impressed with that. Are you? No, yes. Would Frosty be impressed by that?

Of course. He enjoys the pun all the time. Doing this the whole time. I have a little ugly story. Gideon, can you roll a d20 for me, please? Why is suddenly everyone talking like Torbeck talks? Like how you're like, you know, you're not just speaking. What's that supposed to mean? Well, you always just say your name, man. And like he's saying Frosty, but that's just who he is, you know? And he's like, well, Frosty think this way. I don't know. It just seems kind of weird. 16. 16.

That's what someone who wants to seem like Gideon would say. I do want to seem like Gideon, man. I'm pretty awesome. I don't think you protest too much. I haven't protested anything. Gideon, you're looking at this situation and you realize why this is happening. You are from the future. You have traveled through time to this moment. You know how all of this plays out.

And they must know the truth. They must know what is to come. Oh, I messed up my eyebrows. And you see I have donkey eyebrows. I can roll a d20 for me, Derek. Roll a d20 for me. I suppose I could. I'm going to roll this d20. Cuatro. Okay, that's a four. Okay.

Lads, I'm going to step forward and I'll put my hand up against like a swamp tree. I'm going to reach into my vest and pull out a pipe and I'm going to blow bubbles with it. Someone in this circle can't be trusted. I hate to say it.

Why? I agree, yes. Someone cannot be trusted. Why? Someone has been body snatched. Oh no, what's happening already?

What do you know of this, Gideon? Oh, god. I mean, I didn't think we were here yet, man, but we could be on the brink of peppermint wars. Ah, the peppermint wars. Derek, you are unable to control your own volume, speaking either too quietly or too loudly.

Oh my god, that's so good. Well, we know that there's someone we can't trust amongst us. Who's been body snatched. How does that even happen? This is how it begins, man. I can't tell you. You seem to know an awful lot about the Peppermint Wars. You're damn right I do. To be someone who isn't body snatched. It's because I'm from the future, Gricko. Okay? Time-traveling pod people, eh? No, just time-traveling... Well...

No, regular people. I mean, you know, there's Pod involved, but we're not Pod people. Wait, he was talking about Pods. I think it's Gideon. Oh, he was just crazy, man. How does time travel even work? Let's not get into it, okay? And it is in this moment that you begin to hear the pattering of small feet and the clanking of metal armor as the knight you had requested steps out of the underbrush and the thickets and makes his way directly towards you. Why'd I do? He don't.

Hi, my name is Morning Frost. How are you? I'm doing alright. I was told by the king that you requested my service on your mission, and I have kindly obliged. Well, he thanks for passing me that he note earlier, Paul. You're welcome. How insightful are you? We're all a bunch of bunko buddies, I believe. I notice a fan of bunko anywhere.

What's your name, man? Dan Stuffins. This is kind of a weird time. You came upon us at a strange time. I'm... I'm... I'm... You... You caught me off guard there for a while. I'm so sorry. I'm sure it's your time.

I can't hear you over the sound of the cicadas. What he means is that there's an imposter among us. Don't even bother explaining it to him, man. Dan doesn't make it. Do you mean in this group here? Yes, there's an imposter, so you needed to decide which one of us is the imposter-amogus. I don't know any of you at all. Here, here's a hand crossbow. You have to choose!

- No, you don't have to choose. - All right. - You can choose! - All right. - No, you don't have to choose. - What is going on with all of you? This is madness! - He takes the claw and he turns it towards Greco and he shoots. I rolled a D10. I gave you each another as the newest Greco. - No!

Where's my d20? I lost it. Oh, there it is. So he's going to roll to hit. Does the 15 hit? Oh, God, I want it to so bad. You know what? I'll twist and dread it. Yeah, twist and dread it. Does the 17 hit? Yeah, that's exactly right. Roll damage. I don't have crossbow damage. If it's a light crossbow, it's 1d4? That's light. 1d6. 1d6 plus dex.

Well, he rolled really low. So five points of damage as you feel the bolt pierce into your skin. You're the shooter! Good choice. Oh! LAUGHTER

It was me. And I fall to the ground dramatically, Dad. Playing possum. Oh, man, this is exactly how it happened on the holo vids, man. He gets shot. He doesn't survive. He gets infected. I race up. No. Oh.

He just killed Gricko. You have magic! You can fix him! You can heal him! No, no, magic isn't real! I'm gonna yank it out and all you have to do is close this-- OPENING! What? You want me to-- you want me to-- magic is opening? Magic isn't real!

What the fuck are you talking about? Yes it is. Wait, so you're telling me that I- I- you want me to magic his opening? Magic isn't real! What the fuck are you talking about, y'all? Magic! It's not real! You're like 60% magic. No! Because it's not real!

- Look, I'll magic his hole, all right? And I'm gonna Eldritch Blast the wound. I'll pull the bolt out just before that blast hits so that it seals it. - I'm gonna have you take a little bit of damage from him, so pull the bolt out. - Oh, fuck! - You're gonna take two points of damage as he rips the bolt from your side. - 10 damage rolled into it. - Oh, okay!

Okay, okay, I'm not the imposter! I just thought it was really dramatically cool. What was that supposed to do, Frost? I can't fucking understand you. I can't hear half of what you're saying. What are you talking about? You told me the magic is opening. He said he was gonna die. Did we change time? Oh no, I was worried about this, man. I shouldn't have told you anything, but I just... No. He still dies. I'll go ask...

Magic isn't real. You know, you gotta just, just Hugh McGuid for a while. I mean, he likes to take him improv classes. And so sometimes he likes to, you know, really inhabit a new character. And I think in this one, he's from some sort of like sci-fi universe. And he's like maybe the leader of a resistance. And he's coming back in time to like stop the apocalypse. That's a good one. Right? A tear forms in my eyes. I look excitedly.

I would like you all to roll a perception check. We have to fix the timeline. And I'll walk towards Graco. He does this because he knows I hate time travel more than anything. Natural 20. Natural 20. No perception. Natural 20.

- Oh, another 20. - Oh! - The boys. - One of these days we're all gonna roll a natural 20 at the same time. It's gonna happen. - It's probably not gonna happen. - It's gonna happen. - What are the odds of that? - It's a law of large numbers. Over a long enough timeline, it has to happen. - 2400. - Anyway, I got a 24. - I also got a 24. - Oh, nice, high five. - So, let me see what I actually got. - 160,000. - What's he doing, Cal?

One in 3.2 million. You know how much Frost Loves counts. He's always counting. I guess sometimes he just starts counting. It just never seems to amaze me. Yeah, hee-haw. For God's sakes, the timeline's out of order. We've got to fix him. I got an 11. Okay.

What did you get, though, Derek? 3.2 million. I see us playing the game. No, I got me. It doesn't matter. You were all concerned with Gricko as he's bleeding profusely from this, what had been a pierced wound, but was ripped open even more by the

Oh! Yeah! He's fucking dead! See, um...

It was ripped open even more as Frost, having no experience with medicine in any way, forcefully removes the bolt from Gricko's side. Kremi, responding in kind to Frost's request, shoots at full force with his eldritch magic, completely blowing the flesh and bone apart as Gricko is now bleeding out on the ground. What had been an attempt to play possum is now a fight for a man's life.

As Torbek and Gideon, you notice as Dan stuffens, I gave him that name. - Shut up, man. - As Dan reaches to his side. - I've gotta end this. - And reaches into a pouch at his side and fills his hand with this sparkling black dust. It almost looks like ash.

But as it catches the lights of the fireflies, you see all the colors of the rainbow in it. As he...

hunkers down and begins to spring forward in a frog jump directly towards the middle of the group of you. - Oh, that's definitely not magic. Wait, what are you doing? - Hey, what are you doing, man? - As Gideon's coming. - I'm now on top of Graco, hands around his throat. - And I'll look in your eyes and I'll say, "It's a shame I won't live, but then again, who does?"

I'll jump forward. No, Gideon, you can't kill him! Well, this is ridiculous, man. I can kill him. I mean, my hands are on his throat. And it is in this moment that Dan Steffens throws the dust down in the middle of you all, and he shouts out, the resistance lives! And he disappears in a puff of smoke. And where he'd been standing...

There is nothing. No sign of his armor, no sign of his person. And all of you breathe in this strange, glittery magic and you feel the power of the witchlight losing control as you regain your consciousness. Red! Red! Red! Oh, oh!

Sorry, I forgot what she established there. Oh, shit! Yikes. Oh, man. Imagine thinking magic is... Whoa, magic is definitely real. Yes. A mocus. Oh, man!

Do we remember, like, how much interaction do we have with ourselves selves in those moments? Do I remember feeling like I'm living out-- You remember all of it. You know this is happening. It's not like you become a different person and it just fades away. You can have conversations about the fact that this has happened to you. We were taken again. We were taken again by the strange fey magics of this place.

I believed I was a vampire. I almost bit your neck, Gricko. I almost... Don't go any further. We don't need to relive that. Yes, it's probably for the best. Yeah, I thought I could see it all, man. I thought I...

I thought I knew that Griggo had to die for the future to happen. Griggo, you are still bleeding out on the ground. I'm like that guy from the beginning of Kung Pao and the Pist. I'm no doctor, man. But that's one clean chunk.

I need to rewind that. Retraining wrong on purpose. That's a joke. It's like a clean, like, gelatinous chunk. Rico, can you stuff some bananas in that thing? Do you have any banana power? Hold on, hold on.

Okay, let me just mash him up a little bit. Let me just do-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. While we're on the topic of healing and doctoring, some of you definitely need to wash your hands. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. I would like you to roll a group perception check for me, please. All right. The banana is filled. Gricco, you are at disadvantage because you're bleeding out.

Rimmel got an 18. Oh, wow. 22. 21. Perception? Holy shit. Oh, my God. 22. Okay. With that group perception check, you are helping Gricko to mend his wounds, mashing up the bananas and helping to place them on the areas where his chunk has been blown out.

Right next to the grumble. I go and I pick up the gelatinous chunk and I... And then I banana paste it. I think someone in chat said this is the birth of caboose. No, it was much juicier than this. This doesn't even register in the juice. Yeah, that's a one out of ten cabooses. I leave! But you...

You are milling about trying to help Gricko with this while he is on the ground. And he has it under control for the most part. And the rest of you begin to inspect a bit of this dust. And you see that it's almost coalescing and forming together, almost like it's...

Think about the little bits of magnetic iron that form in dirt that you can then pull out and it creates this substance. And it begins to attract itself to the very center of the area that Dan Steffens had made his escape.

I know, I don't know why I gave him that name. Yeah, my frog name is Dan. And his chef was Carl. Everyone else is like Iglig, Bumpos, Bumpa. I will honestly tell you, for whatever reason, I was thinking about Dan Stevens and how great he was as the Beast. And then you asked what his name was, and I was like, Dan Stuffins. I mean, historically, people got their name from whatever job or profession they had, so... Oh...

Barrel maker. Stuffings. Stuffings. Oh, witch. But you do notice that all of this dust seems to be accumulating and attracting to something on the ground in the very center of the circle you've been standing in. Oh, we really needed that deus ex machina. Let me investigate this pile of dust.

I believe it's pronounced Deuce X Machina. It does seem like this dust could be, if you had some pouch or something, you could put it in and it could be used at a later date if you would like to keep it. But beneath it, you see a small metal placard that says 13 Mushroom Way. Hey fellas, look at this. We got a location. I'm behind it.

Oh. We're gonna play Bunko later. That's right. Well, I feel like we should go talk to that imprisoned knight, Morga. Oh, yeah, that's right. Morga, and let us all be wearing hats for when she mentions her dear friend, and we can show our respect. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Razor. We gotta have a hat somewhere. I've just found a hat in me person that turned into a horrible clown hole. Oh.

They call it a... Never mind. No! Mike! I'm just gonna walk away. Walk away, Jerry. Mike! Mike!

We're just gonna move past that one. And this should be the last time we mention Wigglewog, whatever the fuck his name was. Well, she's gonna bring up Wigglewog. No, I was certain like, sold me. But I'm saying, once we move past Morgo, number one rule of this group now is no more mention of Wigglewog.

I don't think we've ever mentioned Wigglewag. I think it was always everybody else. Everyone's talking. He's a really popular guy. He's well known. May he rest in peace. From what I can tell from his corpse, he looked like a tender lover. I mean, he looked pretty tender when he fell off of the tower.

It grows. Oh, yeah, it's a bit of a tender answer, you know what I mean? Before we go and speak to Morgo, first, I so dearly wish that we hadn't been under the influence of the same magics when we saw Dan's stuffings, because... Me too. I would have wanted to tell him that we needed to make sure that there was a delay in the game of Bunko to make sure that they don't make a move on the king. Now there's no way to warn them of that.

And second of all... No, go ahead. And second of all, before we speak with Morgo, I would like to talk about having some form of plan for how to get her out of the mess while also satisfying the king's need to obey the law. Can we fake a tournament and allow her to win and go free through something like that? Fake one of our deaths in a fight? Oh, I have an idea. I know I've been full of really good ideas. Mm-hmm.

I will make it very well known that I am a master shapeshifter, which I can't do well, you know what I mean? And so what I can do is before I do that, I can conjure a beastie that looks exactly what I will turn into. And then I will do a little bit of a trickery to bounce away and that spectral copy will fight her and die terribly. How long will this beast last? I believe 10 minutes.

But I'm not entirely sure. I need to consult my brain. Let me consult the spirits. Okay, go to your mind.

While he's consulting his brain, you think when Dan woke up this morning, he thought he'd be escorting a group of people like us and then shooting one of us in the chest with a crossbow and then smoke bombing his way in fairy dust just out of nowhere without answering a single damn question? You think he saw that coming? This may be what it's like to live in the Feywild. One morning you wake up as part of a...

rebellious group who planning a terrible coup and then you have to crossbow somebody in the stomach and disappear without a trace leaving magnetic shards everywhere. That was pretty dramatic though. He's a complete stranger. You know, I mean, he didn't even notice. He shot us in the stomach after he slipped this... Hey, what did that note say by the way he slid to you? Oh, that's right. I never read it out loud for either you or the audience. It said...

The resistance is among us. Seek them out and they shall lead the way. That is why there was someone a mogus. No, I think that was just the drugs. I hate these drugs in the air. An hour, actually. It's quite a bit. The only difference between the prime material plane and the Feywild is that there's no carbon monoxide detectors here. LAUGHTER

Yeah. All right, we should go to 13. What does it say? No, no, no. We got to talk to Morgul. No, after that. All right. It's 13 Mushroom Way. 13 Mushroom Way. So we got to go talk to Morgul, go to the Lightning Cloud, buy a bunch of stuff at the shop, go to 13 Mushroom Way, and then go back to the king and party with him? Yeah, and have a cooking contest. I already know what I'm going to make. I'm going to smoke all you fools. A rebel was hoping for an earthquake.

I'll be honest, Grumple was also hoping for an early night. I have to tell you, and I'm telling you all this in confidence.

Do not get us into a deadly fight if you can help it. Oh man! I am completely tapped out, I have nothing left in the tank. You say that every time, there's almost a deadly fight upon us. Look at my beans! My bean jar is fucking empty! We are not having an early night, okay? Mondo Mud is turning 40, I know we spent 4,000 gold pieces to get here.

But we need a lot of proof for the gram. We're staying up all night. All right, all I can do-- Venmo me, remember Venmo me. All I can do is cast Friends and Mending, okay? That's all I'm saying. That's fantastic. Thanks. Wait a minute. Did I just mention anything about 14 to Graco after you had a crazy spittle hallucination? Oh.

Didn't someone tell you something about 13? I know Frosty was 3 and 8, I'm sure he'll remember. Um, Ribble doesn't really remember, but Ribble feels like he would have said something. And he wrote it down and boxed it and put it with stars all over it, and it says, "We're coming! 13 Tormek, we're com-- Ribble, now. We're coming!"

He definitely mentioned something about putting all of you in danger. What if this is all a ruse? Thirteen! What if you have a diminution? What if it's coincidence? Frost, what are the odds of that? Coincidence? Run to the numbers, Frosty. All five of us? Yeah. Well, no, just that this house number happens to be thirteen, and that Trollbeck ominously heard the number thirteen. After he drank a spit. Probabilities don't work that way. There's no way to calculate such a number.

You'll figure it out, you're a smart guy. Run the numbers, Frosty. Well, maybe if I had a long rest, I'd be able to figure it out. It's Tiki Margarita night, Frosty. We are not going to bed early. All right. I continue to the jail where Morgo is.

You rally together now that Gricko's wound has been sealed and he begins to heal. And you begin to make your way through the swamp. You find yourselves along a narrow pathway that is lined on either side by the murky lake that perpetuates this entire area. And you see that off ahead of you,

there are a few structures. And though night has fully dawned, that's a weird way to say it, but it's here. Night and dawn. Night is here. When you get my meaning. You get my meaning. Night has fallen around you and you see that

The illumination of these structures makes them even more visible in the fog than they were during the day. You see the large, soggy palace that the king was talking about. It is on the platform directly in front of you. There are three paths. One that leads off towards what is very clearly a small prison or jail.

and back behind it another path that snakes off towards the edges of the murky lake in the water and you see the gigantic roiling storm cloud as lightning pops and strikes inside of it illuminating the area this is clearly the storm cloud balloon that you were told about where you can find the shop bobble and charms then off to the right is the towering soggy palace

the entire first floor sunk down into the muck, causing it to be completely submerged. But you see that even at this time of night, it is completely littered with members of the Soggy Court and their beautiful Rococo regalia as they take a promenade around the place. You see as members of the Soggy Court and their Rococo regalia are milling about the palace, strolling along the promenade,

standing at the terrace looking out over their domain. And it is lively and jovial. You can even smell the smells of cooking wafting out of the palace itself as they're clearly preparing for celebration and a large feast and eventually a lectrum chef. And it is, there's an air of happiness and joy over this place.

which is in complete contrast to the left side path that takes you towards the jail, where it is dark and somber. Not even the lightning bugs dare to tread around this place as it is

two large mangrove trees that are twisted and entwined together forming what appears to be two large cells. And behind it is a man-made proving ground where you imagine the battles to the death take place. And darkness hovers here. It is quiet. Occasionally you hear the clinking of metal on metal as guards patrol the area. And that's what you see up ahead of you.

Are we ready to fight this lady? I thought we were just gonna talk to her, and we still haven't decided if we can fake... What did your mind hut tell you? Oh, I went into my mind hut, and I consulted the spirits, and they told me it was an hour.

Oh, terrific. Well done, Hut. So, I could do that. I also have this big ol' bag of leeches that I got from your person when you were knocked out, and I'll open the, uh, like a wet sack and just and there's magenta that is like glowing up from it. We could try to roll the dash and get the one where we die.

What? No. We could die and get reborn. What the fuck are you talking about? Remember when I died and got reborn as an orc? Yes, that was the fame magic. We can't control that. We can't rely on it in the middle of a tournament. We can roll to die. What if you get the one where you think you're a spy and then you just kill her because that's the spy thing to do. Yeah.

That'd be like the opposite. You're right, you're right. No, if we do that, I'm just going to get a fucking donkey head again for the sixth or seventh time. No, I'm saying one of us has to do it. We just basically take as many leeches as we can.

And we just, until you die. Until we die and get reborn. And so the frogs will say, oh, they died. And then you rise up and you're reborn. You say, oh, zog, zog, it's me. Mork the Orc. You're playing with terrible magics, Gregor. This is the most dangerous thing I've heard you yet propose. In the entire time since we came to the carnival and came to Prismir. That's my second idea. That's option B. Option A is a lot more reliable. Abusing that would look like a...

Some sort of explosion of magic that we couldn't possibly comprehend. I mean, I got this idea from my doctor back in Goblin Town. He really loved leeches. It answered everything. Well, did you have cocaine in your blood? I think we all did. No, I think he had ghosts in his blood, but he needed to do cocaine about it. Oh, yes, of course. Yeah, it was... I assumed you needed to do ghosts about it. LAUGHTER

Our mayor was named Billy Jolgo. Billy Jorgo? Yeah, Jolgo. There's an apostrophe after L. I bought his ghost in a mason jar on eBay. Oh, really? Yeah. It's two million dollars. Dollars. Do we have any other ideas? I like that idea, honestly. Which one? The leech death idea? Yeah. That idea? That'd be pretty funny, wouldn't it? No.

For what it's worth, the first idea was good, but Ribble thinks we shouldn't just go right into fighting this poor person. That's gotta be some kind of backup plan. We're just supposed to talk to her. No, but if we...

if we free her and pretend that we're friends and we put a target on our backs and the kings who's who's trust us yes we need to talk to her convince her that we are on her side convince her that we are going to meet her in the arena and that we are going to fake

her opponent's death, which would be one of us. If we can create that illusion, we kill two birds with one stone, cook two meats with one fire. We allow ourselves to support the king and his actually surprisingly right ruling, and it allows us to free Morgo. This might be crazy. What if instead of losing...

We just beat her. We win. But instead of killing her, we just say by the king's decree, he's going to like not kill her. And then we just send her back and she defends him. Gideon. What? Have you seen how bloodthirsty these frogs are?

No. Yes, you have. No, I haven't seen anybody kill anybody yet. You didn't see a bunch of spiked heads on a bridge? Well, they're all still alive. They were all talking to us. Until we achieve the cultural reform that we're shooting for here, it's going to be pure chaos if we don't give them blood.

Well, fine, man. It was just a thought. I'm just saying, like, if we like this guy, maybe we want him guarded. She's the best knight in all of Frogtown. But she's seen as a traitor to the crown. Yeah. Here's the thing. An unfortunate... I don't call her a snafu, but just a slight complication. Uh...

When I swore to not not betray the king, I swore to betray the king. So, at some point down the line, you know, this is face stuff. I don't want to risk it. I got to do something to betray him. Grammy, why do you have to try to be so sly all the time? Or you could have just said from a certain point of view, he was a good friend. That's all you had to do. Yeah, or you could have said, uh-uh.

Huh? That's all you had to do! You didn't... You're not beholden to what you said, are you? I mean, as far as everything I know about Fae deals, swears, oaths, contracts, it's all binding. I didn't want to commit to anything because I didn't want to swear fealty, but I didn't think I was entering some sort of a Fae agreement. Oh.

Uh-oh, Ribble is now very confused. Ribble didn't think there'd be any harm in just kind of agreeing because these people don't really last very long. But if Mr. Kra- I mean, Uglyth was gonna betray the king, doesn't that mean Ribble has to defend the king?

What has Ribble done? Hey, here's something that is probably going to resolve all this with no possible way of coming up in a poor light. Why don't you just write his name in the book, man?

That's like kind of a betrayal. He's not in there yet. She doesn't even like know who he is. Just write his name in there. It's kind of like a minor betrayal, but it's still betrayal. And there's just no way that goes bad. That's really cold. Oh, you were trained by the CR5. Oh my God.

In reality, the king did steal the book. He's going to end up in there anyway. Yeah, just write his name in the book, man. No, that's... I mean, look, here's the thing. I didn't specify the gravity of how much I'm going to betray this guy. All I'm saying is that's not very grave, man. What's the other option?

You come up behind him and say nothing personnel kid. No no Kermit's right. It doesn't have to be a large betrayal You don't have to kill him you just hand him like a cold brownie from his hangry man, and he'll be all set Fuck I'm just gonna pitch my current brownie. Okay working theory all right This is the current Kermit and the crew plan all right. This is plan A. Okay, okay, okay We steal snoodle

Okay, step two. Now that's it. We just betray his trust by taking his pet.

That's very dark, Grimley. That's what Ribble was going to say. It's not that dark. It's well thought, Ribble. Well said, Ribble. I mean, the king's probably not long for this world. The second he gets taken out, they're going to take out his pet. Isn't that what they do? I want him to be long for this world. He actually listens to me on the tax policies I recommended. And you think he's going to implement them? Yes. With his court? Yes.

I will navigate the politics of that, and then I'll get funding for the new balloon factory. All right. Well, I like where you're going with that. I'm stealing the gate of Pip. That's all I'm going to say. Is it a gator or a crocodile? It's an alligator. It wasn't very clear. Let's assume. It's an alligator, so it was an alligator many times. The first time you said it was a crocodile. No, I didn't. That's okay. No, I didn't. Check the tapes. I did. Yeah, you did.

- Oh, either way, it would be cute if it was a little crocodile or an alligator. It reminds me of the little crocodile pitch from "Burning Crusade." - Just like a reality TV show, producer Rick right here cut to a black and white shot of what was actually said. - Yeah, exactly, yeah. - It was a crocodile. - Yeah, sounds right. - I also do have a harness that works on small creature types. We may be able to make him large.

Look, we don't have to steal Snoodle, all right? I feel like it's very cold-blooded. It was just an idea, all right? I mean, you know, if I could... If it's interesting of abolishing the hereditary monarchy and establishing a constitutional republic that's governed by elected representatives, I feel like we should try to at least do something. Regardless, we can cross that bridge when we get to it. That's my point. We need to decide what we're doing about Morgo right now. I think for Morgo, we do...

Pretend to fight. One of us pretends to die. And we get on with the fucking thing. Oh, but then we can't show up later. No. You know what? How about we say you turn into one of your monsters and we be like, oh, this giant beast shows up. Oh, this beast is going to fight. And then when it dies, it explodes. Oh, that's a goblin that probably ate early. He's alive. Oh, my God. It's a miracle. We can sell that. Oh, yeah. I can sell that. All we have to do is get Morgo to agree. I can sell that to frogs. Morgo is only a pawn in the game of life.

We'll be able to get it done. That's really good. Thank you, I've been holding on to that for 45 minutes. That's so good. I even understood that reference, that's really nice. It's a Mel Brooks reference. Okay. Any objections?

Should we just say we're here to fart and not just turn into said beastie right now? I think we have to be taken to the arena, or Hippodrome, as it is sometimes called. Oh, yeah, well, we definitely got to walk up with you in beast form. You can't do it under the gaze of them watching us, or they're not going to realize you were like an eaten goblin. I should...

We perhaps establish the monster, but I don't know if we're doing the fight today. It could be tomorrow. I will say what you remember is the king told you that with the pendant or with the brooch, you would be able to gain access to the prisoner and she might be able to give you additional information. So you imagine that you are looking to gain audience with the prisoner. I think we go with the land shark. What do we think?

To fight her. It's a delicious lager. I mean, it's light, it's fruity, it's appropriate for summer. It's an homage, so to speak, to our summer court friend. Doesn't have any of that weird funk. Yeah, no, it's actually quite nice. It's a perfect summer beverage. It's got fins to the left, it's got fins to the right. Moldo will be the only bait in town. Oh, yeah. You know, it's actually kind of a dark implication.

Maybe we don't go with the land shock. Let's continue. All right. We walk up to the guards and we say, Candy Graham from Orgo. I'm just stealing from chat tonight all over the place. You make your way. You get to the crossroads where it splits off. You can head forward towards Bobble and Charms in the floating...

and the lightning balloon. You could head to the right to the Soggy Palace, but you choose the left path. The one that takes you through the dark mangrove trees, through the towering roots of these trees, until you get to what is very clearly the prison, the jail, in front of the Proving Grounds. There are two guards standing there with their spears crossed in front of you.

They grunt at you as you make your way up towards them. What are you doing here? The prison's closed. Come back later. My name is Count Bogbottom. These are my variously esteemed... You don't look like a count. No, his name is Grumple. He's the Count of Bogbottom.

I thought that that's how the count works, right? You count of Bogbottom. You are technically Count Grumple of Bogbottom. Oh, okay. I accept. Yeah, what he said. You don't even know what your title is? Well, look at this. I show him the frog foot with a pin pointing down. He immediately stands tall and he looks over.

I mean, checks out at the king's brooch, man. I'm splopped. What hands are the king? What can we do you for? Well, you can step aside. They both step aside and they uncross their spears. Oh, that was easy. Wow. By all means, we'll be here if you need anything. I didn't even have to use friends. Very well done. Very well done, Gideon.

It's not even how many it goes. I was just copying Frosty. No. No, it's 1, 2, 3, 4. It's 4. Anyways. Sorry for the trouble, guards.

We'll be on our way. Well done, thank you, thank you, Ribble. Sir Ribble. You know what, Gideon, I feel like this is... I feel, it's four. I feel like this is a great... There are four claps. There are four claps. Nope. So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no. One, two, three, four. But I heard it different in my brain. Frosty, run the numbers. Oh, no, that's wrong. I feel like fucking Jean-Luc Picard in that really crazy episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Please continue. This was a great lesson of sometimes how less words are sometimes more powerful. Perhaps we get into trouble because we're all so talky, talky, talky. Fewer.

What? Fewer words, not less words. Fewer words? No, it's less words. No, it's fewer words. More words, less words. I went to Goblin School. Goblin College. They have a common lit in Goblin School? Common was a bit of an elective. I picked that more up on, you know, once I moved away.

trying to play a couple gigs at a couple human and halfling pubs. Anyway. This is fine. Let's continue. Can we stop having this conversation right in front of the guards? Sometimes we talk about the definition of irony, and it's spending that many words on how many words you're spending. I think that was a lovely lesson for me and Crammy and Frosty and Torbeck.

Me at least. Ribble. Oh, Ribble. Ribble and Grumple and Mundlemud and Oglin. Thank you. We all learned something there? Was that what happened? It is. And as the guards make way for you to enter, you move forward. Rising from the soggy earth is a sturdy wooden hut with an open doorway on one side of it.

At the back of the hut are two holding cells. Thick mangrove roots serve as bars with a small round door closing off each cell. The floor of one cell is covered with several inches of stinking water. The other cell holds a figure in rags slumped against the back wall. You hear, I'm not telling you nothing! And that is where we'll end the session. I wanted to talk to Morgul. Morgul.

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