Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 1 | Circus to Circus
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Nikki, and you're listening to Once Upon a Witchlight. Once upon a witchlight hour, the sleeping queen stirred in her tower, and through grand halls past lock and key, came to her slumber dreams of three. The first brought laughter filled with fright, the second, love defiled by spite, the third, a world of pure delight.

She welcomed these, they were her own, but soon from porcelain lips a groan, her silvery dreamscape now forsaken, to pain from which she'd not awaken, something blighted had come hither, foul as nightshade creeping thither, from yon the grave-like curse did wither.

The little prince swept in his spire. His wounded heart had one desire. A ballad from the dreaming queen could turn his maelstrom mind serene. He vowed her rescue, speech sincere, but toys would be his shield and spear. And so he scoured for one full year.

In springtime wreathed in Parenthood, the prince first found a toy of wood, a doll set, beasts and wild things. But listen close and each one sings. A song of child, owl and bear, a song that calls the spirits there, a song for monsters with much hair.

When summer heat steamed like a kettle, the prince then found a toy of metal. A rocking horse with ashen mane, around its neck was draped a chain. Its horn and eyes and nose shoot flame, with mighty hooves and sturdy frame, no better steed one could proclaim.

He searched from autumn's harvest throne. The prince then found a toy of bone. Lettered blocks stacked to the sky, when turned to words, could only lie. Deceit known to the hounds of hell makes for a potent hex or spell of souls of sin of Shadowfell.

Through winter's chill from peak to pass, the prince then found a toy of glass. Marble spun in measured motion, like careful thought or certain notion. Each glinting cat's eye seeing all, from stars beyond the cosmic sprawl, to inner strength and mind's recall.

The day has come, no time for rest. The fateful toys placed in a chest with stripes of white and stripes of red, just like a big top by his bed. The little prince prepares a flower for either outcome, sweet or sour, and makes a wish for love, for power. Once upon a witchlight hour. The four of you are exhausted as you wake up in a tavern.

in the middle of Agwe, the tavern known as the Crossroads. You've been traveling together for years, but over the past month, you've been spending your time in Agwe, because this is Crummy's home, and all of you had been running a mock carnival of sorts, called... What is it called again? Fuck. Carnival LaCrue! It's had many names, many iterations, until the finalized one. Carnival LaCrue.

But due to some unfortunate happenstance, you had to let the carnival go for now. And you took off with whatever money you had left and made your way to Agwe, where Kremi had some connections. One Remi Guru. And over the past month, you've been staying at the crossroads, enjoying nice room and board. It's been a pretty penny, but it's been worth every bit. The problem is...

Remiguru hasn't been responding to any of your attempts to get into contact with him. So the night prior, you decided to make your way on down to the hungry catfish and see if you could get his attention. Now you were unable to get his attention, but his Bullywugs, the grinning sinners, you definitely got theirs. And they got your coin. As you wake up this morning, all of you hung over

You make your way down to the tavern area of the Crossroads. You order your breakfast, and Kremi begins to shake out your coin purse as you realize, between the four of you, you only have two gold pieces to your name. Not nearly enough to pay for any more nights in this place. And this is the only place that you could see yourself staying in all of Agwe. At least the only place that you'd be welcome. Thales.

I got bad news. What? We flat broke. Again? I mean like for real this time, not like flat broke is meant, oh, you know, we'll, you know, we all have to get jobs because we're about to run out of money. This is it. And I hold up the, I rub my two gold pieces together. This is all we have left. What the fuck did Pierre put in our drinks? I knew I shouldn't have trusted him. He seemed a little too friendly.

You remember Pierre. He was one of the first bully wugs that encountered you when you made your way into the Hungry Catfish. He helped you find a table and he even led your way to some of the hottest tables and the hottest games. Yes, I think Pierre pulled one over on us. And you do remember that at one point during the night, he provided you all with a free drink on the house. Guys, I have a confession to make.

I don't think I understand the rules of poker. No, based on my observations, you absolutely do not understand the game of poker. You kept gambling when you had nothing and throwing away hand after hand of pure gold. I think you had a royal flush of them.

Yeah, but I mean the colors, the numbers look so nice. The two is just etched very nicely. We're gonna have to work on our poker game. Okay. You also need a poker face. When you look and you go "Hoo hoo!" It doesn't work. Who let these guys gamble with our money? You know, I should have known to cut them off. I should have put a lock on my coin purse, but...

I don't know, I feel like I blacked out and just... it's all gone. To be completely fair, Gideon, I was up. I was up by quite a bit, card counting. Until that drink from Pierre. And then I lost... the plot, so to speak. I refuse to believe it was that free drink. I've never had a free drink treat me wrong.

Well, I guess this is the first time for everything, Gid. I guess I have heard the saying, I think a wise man once said that the only thing better than a drink is a free drink. Do any of you even remember us getting back to this inn? The last thing I remember...

You do. We do. Your recollections of the night before were a bit hazy, but you remember many more drinks than just the free one that Pierre gave you. It was almost like once you popped the top, you just couldn't stop. As the first drink went down, you wanted more and more and more, and the need for sin was so strong in all of you.

You just wanted to play games, drink. You took a turn around the outside of the Hungry Catfish and smoked fine cigars. And it was a lovely evening. You came home, though you came home with a significantly lighter coin purse, the joy that you'd had together was profound. I never smoke cigars. Makes my mouth feel all tacky.

Well, we did last night. You know, at the end of the day, sinning's kind of fun, don't you think? Gricko ate his cigar. I'm just kidding. But I can see him doing it.

Oh, this paper. Oh. You did throw up after you ate the cigar, didn't you, Gregon? Maybe that's why I don't feel that terrible. My understanding is that if you soak tobacco in water, it creates arsenic. So you're probably going to die if you haven't thrown up. Oh, man! Oh, my God! I'm going to go run and puke up a bunch of arsenic.

What's the roll for that? A roll to die. A con save. I feel like a con saving throw to see if you throw up or not is the perfect way to start this. All right, well, I mean, this might be able to cover breakfast, but we're going to find some way to make some dough. This isn't going to last us. So we have to, you know, I guess start looking for work. I can try to...

reach out to some of my lesser contacts in town. For some reason, Garou just won't see me. He won't reach out to me. He won't, you know, answer any of my letters. And, you know, Pierre said that he would put in a good word, but... You hear the door to the tavern open and you look over and you see nobody enter.

It slowly swings shut, but you hear the patter of feet. As you look down, you see standing at your side, Kremi, one of Guru's grinning sinners. He looks up at you and hands you a note. Is it Pierre? It is Pierre. Pierre! What are you doing here? Pierre, what was in those drinks you gave us? You don't know? No.

- You're serving drinks and you don't know what's in the... I remember this from last night. It seemed to me making more sense by the end of the evening. Very troubling. - You see he shakes his head and then he looks between all of you. He looks a little bit sad as he turns and makes his way out of the tavern.

I guess he's just doing his job. I think there's nothing left for arsenic. Oh, goodbye, Pierre! You know the seasonal cocktail of the Pringle? That was, I'll just, you know, once I popped, I just couldn't stop. Is that what that was called? Yeah, that's what it, I don't know what it meant, but it was... It has an apt name for some reason. Do you want the remainder of my breakfast? It's very important that you eat. The eggs still have the shells on them.

I should have waited. Peed after I threw up. No, you can have a few items here. I'll take half ration if you can get your springform. Oh, Frosty, that's very nice. I know how much you enjoy breakfast. I mean, I appreciate your sacrifice. It's my pleasure. I look at the letter. The letter is on a very heavy parchment. It is the official letterhead of one Remy Grew. And it is titled...

to Cremi Le Creux and to those whom it may concern. Finally! And I rip it open and all... Oh, this is our big break, Cremi! Cremi Le Creux. This is a notice of debt owed to one Mr. Remy Le Greux. Remy Greux. God, these names are hard. Ha ha ha!

Upon your abandonment of your station, you took with you valuable knowledge unpaid for that belongs to Mr. Guru. It has been noted that you have traveled and it shows a list of the different places that you've traveled. Almost every single place that you've traveled. You have set up shop here. You've ran this con here. You've done this here.

Mr. Guru has chosen to impose a 10% overhead for all of your cons, leaving a total of 100,000 gold pieces owed to Mr. Guru by end of month. And then it is signed with the flourish and his stamp.

In fine print at the bottom, it says, should Mr. LeCru, should Mr. LeCru meet his fate or his end, his friends, Gricko Grimgrin, Morning Frost, and Gideon Cole are considered guilty by association and the debt will be theirs to cover forthwith. What? Um...

Uh, so good news and bad news. Oh, well, good, I love good news! You want the good news first or the bad news first? Yes, of course, the good news, yeah, yeah, I love good news. Well, there isn't any good news. Oh! It's all bad news! Oh, no! I don't love bad news! Garou's collecting royalties. Thank you, that was great. On every penny that I made since I left Agwe. I don't know how the hell he knows about all this. Well, fuck.

Look, he even knows about the time we salted the mines up in the Grizzlepaw Mountains. He knows about the mines? He knows about, yeah. What else happened in the Grizzlepaw Mountains? Um. Let's say that. Oh, he does. Oh, no. You see that there's a significant tab for when you were in Beaver Creek.

Oh, and a tab at Beaver Creek, remember that? Were we with them during all of these? Oh, yes, for most of them, at least. There are a handful that you weren't, but... Well, I'm trying to forget Beaver Creek, but you don't forget something like that. Well, you know, I mean, if we owe this fella a little bit of coin, well, it can't be like, what, 500 gold pieces? No, try higher than that.

600 gold pieces. No, more than that. Oh. Is the number of digits four, five, or six? Oh, it's six. I don't know. We only own six gold pieces. No, 100,000 gold pieces. The entire tavern gets completely quiet as you see everyone who's awake look over at you and then they start, they begin to start whispering.

Did they just say that they have 100,000 gold pieces? We gotta keep this down. Wait, how much money did the carnival make? Well, I mean, it made them... You said we didn't make anything! I mean, I had to, you know... Do you know how many auto-use you paid us? You imagine that the elephants cost a lot of money. You know how much it takes to feed the Hootsy?

Yeah, I'm feeding rat snacks! You know how many Bullywugs I had to pay basically nothing to? If you pay a lot of people basically nothing, it's a lot of money! It ends up being something. It does! Now, hang on, hang on. I have a little bit of an idea. How much does everybody have?

We have two gold pieces. You know, Gid's not really a Mormon person. This is it. It is literally, look, see these? One, two, that's it. That's all we have. I mean, unless y'all are... We have 99,998 gold pieces to go, Gideon. And I think I know how we can get there today. How are we gonna do it?

We head on back over to Remigaroo, meet up with Pierre, nobody takes that free drink, and we put Frosty back on the tables. It's gonna sound like a bad idea seeing as how we're here, but...

Maybe it's not. Oh. So, look, I trust Frost's card counting ability, but do you really think Mr. Guru is going to let someone count cards and win 100,000 gold pieces without losing a cent? It's not like he's got to do it a whole lot. We just have to go from two to 100,000. How much can that be? It would be... How many times, Frosty? Run the numbers here. How many times do we need a double or nothing? I'd need to win a hand every two minutes, and it would have to be a double or nothing every single time.

For eight hours. Look, where are y'all at? You know, let me tell you what Mr. Guru does to fellas like that. They make a lot of money. And then all of a sudden I noticed their boots washing up along the banks of the swamp.

Oh, well, fuck. Oh, wait. I was just going to ask. I mean, is Remy Mr. Guru the kind of guy that you would, you know, you find owing a little money to? Can I just say that there's probably no one worse to owe money to. We need to be out of debt because at any second he could collect. Let me tell you, I mean, he's got, he has a lot more friends than I do on the other side and

If he wants to, he could make us all have a real bad day. One in 230,108,042. All those good odds? All those good odds. Uh, no. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, Raquel. That is bad odds. So, I mean, we got to make a lot of money quick. And I don't...

I hate to do this. I didn't think I would sink this low, but I think we might not have any other choice than to go to the... I won't say it. It's okay. Jawboard. Oh, no. Honest work. You must be really scared if you're talking about honest work, Kremi. I mean, shh.

Just a legitimate gig where you just labor and get paid for it? Well, I mean, what if we can just get more time? Can't we just say, oh, Mr. Gru? Why don't we just talk to Mr. Gru? I'm sure it's just a bit of a misunderstanding. No, no, no. Look, you do not understand. There is no misunderstanding. I'm sure that when I paid my deal, I signed something. I'm sure he's got a contract somewhere that I didn't read close enough.

And even if he's making it all up, I'm not going to risk setting foot in his office unless I have all 100,000 gold pieces in my hand. Jobs? Well, how much time did he give us? By the end of the month. A month. By the end of the month. Not even a month. Even with a high-paying job, we wouldn't be able to work the number of hours needed to make 100,000 gold in a month.

Now, I said, I know we said we'd never do this, but how much do you think we'd get for Hootsy? Oh, you think how much people would pay to see Hootsy do a very nice and stylish jig? Probably a lot. Look, kid, I know that we said we would never talk about it in public, but we should discuss that option at this point. Well, you know what? Perhaps, uh...

Maybe I could talk to Pierre. He might know an exotic monster dealer that would... Anyway, I mean, I think regardless, if we're all working, then we're splitting it up. You know, it's 25,000 gold pieces each. And again, that's still quite a lot of gold pieces. There's also no running. How did he know all the things that we've done over the many years that you've done? You know, that's kind of complicated. You're dealing with the sort of

voodoo that I am. Never really get much privacy, so I'm guessing, you know, he gets his powers from the same generous Baron that I do. Oh! Maybe he just worked it out. You're gonna be very proud of me, Grammy. If the Baron is very generous, what if we ask for a small loan of 100,000 gold pieces? Ah!

You know, Gricko, that's a real nice start. You know what? I'm gonna try it. I'll send him a message. I'll send him a letter right now. Oh, great. Maybe he'll get back to us, but in the meantime, we should probably try to earn the gold another way, because I don't have a whole lot of faith in that. Hedge our bets. Exactly. Not a fucking chance, let me tell you. I'd just be dead. He'd just, like, sloop my soul right out of my eyeball or something. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I thought of a few options. Oh. We can find a valuable item that we'd be able to sell for more than $100,000 and steal it. We can perform a heist. Frosty! Are you advocating stealing? Now you're talking. Or perhaps we could, uh, one of us might be able to marry rich and we'd be able to pay off the debt in that way. Well, I wouldn't mind that.

Look, I don't know if I'm ready for marriage, Frosty. I mean, I've got so much going on with Lucy. You might have to take one for the team. Oh. Oh, gosh.

I never... I didn't know it'd be so soon. Are there rich goblin nobles in Nagwe? I haven't been able to explore the city much. You know, now that I think about it, there may be one or two, but I mean, look, there aren't really nobles in Nagwe. There's sort of like an aristocracy, a bunch of rich folk down in the Magnolia Promenade, but it's not like we just walk up and steal one item. We walk up and get hitched in a day and then just fork over the gold. We've got a month to woo...

potential sutras? What is the word I'm thinking of? Duchess? Yeah, woman. A foreign concept. Listen, I kind of like where his head's at. We don't even need him to marry her. We just need him to distract her. Maybe we break in. We hit a door or two. No, no, no. Look, this is what I'm trying to say, that

Unless we're stealing the full net worth of these people, there are two men at Agwe that have something that we could steal. Nope. One item and probably sell it for 100,000 gold pieces. And that's Mr. Remigaroo, Mr. Alphonse LeBlanc. And I would never dare to fuck with the other. You understand?

Mr. Guru, I've already mentioned Mr. Alphonse Le Bonk. I haven't seen him out in the sunlight in the last however many years. Yeah, it's a recluse. Exactly. So he's always home. It's hard to kind of pull up a hat. He's always a homebody. Exactly. I see. Yes. I don't know what that means. Gideon, fire rises in your blood. Are you being in a freak lab? Fire rises. Yes, the fire rises. Ah.

Okay. So what, so, okay. I need you all to roll a perception check. Oh no. Oh. Pierre, how could you? Oh my God. Warming up, warming up. Natural 20. Oh shit. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

- Oh, I put it in my Legends of Ventress dice thing. - Roll a d100 for me. - Can do, can do. - A natural one. - This and a 10. - No way! - Are you fucking kidding me? - No way the first two rolls are a 20 and a one. - Well. - This is a 100. - This is a game of extremes. - Accurate. - Yeah, that's correct. 35. - All right, you're good. - 18 for Greco. - I see, but that is a, that's an 11.

- Gricko and Gideon, as you're having this conversation, you begin to notice bits of movement. You're actually alerted by the sound first, the guttural croaking sounds as you realize that you are being watched by at least four grinning sinners that are placed randomly around the Crossroads Tavern. - Hey, do you hear that? - Oh. - It what?

Oh yeah, some of our friends from the riverboat are coming and they're here too. What are the chances of that? Are they Bullyworks? Yeah, yeah, no, no, I think that one was Gaston. That one was Pierre, other Pierre. I don't know, you know.

Yeah, the grand sinners are here. Oh god, Master, you stand-- Oh no. I'm glad you told me. I was about to suggest we kill Remy. We kill the guru. I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that. You don't have to, I didn't. Oh good. Look, we should get the fuck out of here, is all I'm saying. No more discussing any business, all right? Nope. We're gonna-- should we just, I guess--

This breakfast alone is going to cost us two goat pieces. We already paid for it. Oh, we already paid for it. Never mind. Let's get the fuck out of here. Oh, Hootsie's still sleeping. Hootsie's right next to you. Oh, Hootsie's right here. Let's go. Oh, Hootsie. She was doing a jig earlier. Oh, yeah, your stylist's jig was very nice. Would you like another Hootsie snack? The people threw money. Oh, no, these are buttons.

That's weird. Oh. Well, maybe we can add them to a little vest or hat. Here we go. Oh, you're so cute. Well, let's all go and to the bank where we have 100,000 gold pieces and that is where we will head. Oh, to the bank? Wait, Frosty.

You have a bank account with 100,000 gold pieces? And as you yell this, a hush goes over the entire tavern as everybody turns and looks. Did you hear that? They have a bank with 100,000 gold pieces. Look, we're in the crawdad quarter. You know what that means, right?

All these people, they all have a big, probably 10 inch long hunting knife in a left coat pocket and they would not hesitate to stab you in the kidney and steal all two gold pieces. But I'd rather keep my kidney. Let's all try to keep our kidneys. I stand up and I sort of brush off my jacket and I put my hat on. Gentlemen? I brush off my vest and put my hat on as well. I will pull my hood up and I will stand like this and look really bad.

I stand up super tall, flex back a little bit and let the chain slam loudly on the floor. Did you get enough to eat Hootsy? You need to get a little bit more to stop. You know, we don't know the next time we're going to stop. Perhaps there will be rats on the way. Yeah, get some rats. Scampers across the ground by your feet. I'll crush it. Crush it, do that thing, do that thing.

I cast Mind Slipper on the rat. The rat dies. The rat's eyes go... You know, you're going to make Hoochie terrible at catching rats if you keep doing it, but I always like watching it. Oh, no, tough love, I understand. You've got to get it. Oh, Hoochie! Oh, come on, come on! There he goes! Ah!

Oh, good job. Oh, you're so good. You're so good at catching red snakes. Okay. I'm already happy. You're such a good-- Oh, my shoulder. Oh, gosh. Isn't she the most wonderful thing you've ever seen? Okay, okay. Goodbye. Goodbye, other Pierre. Goodbye, Justin.

And you make your way out into the crawdad quarter. The sound of the tavern was quite loud, even for this early morning hour. And as you make your way outside, though the town square that you're in here is bustling, it is quieter than it was inside. And you look around, you see different markets and food stalls, restaurants, even another tavern further down the way.

And in the very center of the square, you see that faded thing, the job board. Oh, no. Well, I guess it doesn't hurt to at least look, see, you know, maybe we can make a quick hundred gold pieces, you know, start to put a dent in it. Oh, I thought you were kidding about the job board. I wish I wasn't. Ugh.

Perhaps there will be an extremely lucrative but difficult and dangerous task for us, and we can handle it together. Man, I wish we had the rest of the crew with us. We'd be able to figure it out together. Oh, like all the Connie's and various acts that I had to let go? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, they probably would care. You never pay. This is the crew. We're the crew now. It's just us. It's going to be fine. Remember that we had to shut the con of all and, you know, we would run out of town because I wrote so many IOUs. I should have trusted that accountant. Now, if you look at the letter, did you get charged for the IOUs or just actual money spent?

Oh, you know what? That's a good question. Because perhaps we can reduce the amount if they were IOUs and you never were beholden to the amounts that you were paying. No, no, he's got the IOUs. Okay. All right. It was worth asking. I approach the job board and scan whether or not I'm going to be a barmaid or not. Sure, you make your way up to the job board and you can see that there are significant...

advertisements that have been leaked here for a long time. You see one, it's a missing cat calico. Please return to Francine. And the reward? Five silver pieces. Oh.

You see an advertisement for Bayou Brass Bar and Music Shop. They're looking for a musical act, 10 gold pieces a night. Guaranteed tips. Well, we only have to do that for 10,000 nights. How long is that? 10,000 nights? 30 years. Oh, well...

That's definitely after the end of the month. Perhaps if we were Scheherazade. You see that Cousin Louise is looking for a bellhop. The pay is five gold pieces a day. That's half as good. You see that Rich Boy Poboy, the new sandwich shop down the way that you heard is delicious, is looking for a line chef. And that's also five gold pieces a day. Damn.

Oh, you know, my Meemaw said that place was pretty good. I mean, we do have two gold pieces and po' boys are delicious. I mean, we just ate though. I'm a little full. And it does mention that meals are free, that you get a free meal.

with every chef hey do we want to be purple with chefs for the rest of our large feathers but together well there's only two problems with that for me is i'd eat everything there is and i don't know how to cook well i know how to cook but i promised myself i'd never go back to that professionally you may have no choice in 30 days you might be

whatever Remy will do to us. What do you think he's actually going to... It's less than 30 days. It is the seventh of the month. Oh. So we got three weeks. What will he do to you? And I guess us by proxy? You know, it's hard to say, but some combination of... I guess the end result's all the same. We no longer be living...

And whatever awaits us in the thereafter wouldn't be too pleasant. Well, what the hell are we even doing at this damn board? There's nothing we're going to do in three weeks that is going to give us 100,000 gold pieces and keep our souls firmly not sucked directly through our fucking eye sockets. Well, you can do that.

Can you do that? Maybe. Yeah, you can pretty much do that. I've seen some... It's like, basically, you look at some of the fellas after he's done with them. They look like empty Capri Suns. It's not... They look like that chick in the closet at the beginning of the movie, The Ring. Exactly right. That's called a major image. Sorry, yeah. Oh, yeah, just withered away. I had an idea.

I think I heard someone said, "I never went to business school, but you gotta spend money to make money." Unfortunately, we don't have the money to spend. No, but we have two gold pieces. What about that fella that's selling soap with a prize inside? What if we give him two gold pieces worth of soap and maybe one of them has 100,000 gold pieces in it?

You know what's funny? For selling, for his whole thing being selling soap, he doesn't really smell like, he doesn't smell appropriate for that.

Maybe we don't take ideas from the guy that doesn't know how to play poker and eats his cigars. You know, it looked like a cannoli. Yes, I remember you saying that. That was too slow, Gricko. I'm sorry. I will show you how to smoke cigars and play poker one day, if we survive this. I always smoked a pipe. This is very easy, simple. Mm-hmm.

I'm going to continue to scan the job board. Is there anything that looks like a... Maybe something without a price on it. Roll an investigation check. Is there anything bordered in gold with an exclamation mark over it? Yeah.

- This is spelt. - Oh no, that doesn't patch into the next one. - You know what? I'm gonna stick with my natural one dice. Let's find out. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm not gonna switch over just because it gave me a bad roll. - There it is. Let's say hello to a...

What's 17 plus 16? Or 7 plus 16? 17 plus 16. Fucking 23. I'm smart. I'm Frost. I'm an in-base character. You look back at the job board, and those are the newest postings. Everything else looks significantly older, and your mind goes back to that cat. Like, it's not that much, but...

That poor girl is missing her cat. You could at least take that sign and if you happen to see the calico cat while you're about, you pull it off of the job board and you see a sign beneath it.

Lost Warlock Patron. Madrick Rosloff's Archfey Warlock Guild. My Warlock Patron Zabilna has been lost to me for some time now. I am seeking out an adventuring party willing to travel into Prismir and uncover her whereabouts. I can offer grand rewards. Meet me at the Giant Pumpkin Patch to the south of town if interested in this quest.

The sign looks a bit older. It clearly hasn't gotten any attention or love, but you can tell by looking at it, there are dates marked into the side of it with a little note that says "still seeking" and you see that it was updated just three days prior.

Well, take a look at both of these job options. I'm going to propose that we pursue the cat option. For five silver gold pieces. Yes, because cat owners, they tend to be shifty, and maybe we can find something in her mattress, for example. No, actually, you know what? The lost warlock patron is intriguing, but there's no actual amount on here. We have no way of knowing. We could be wasting time. Can I take a look?

There's a whole guild of warlocks? Oh, Archfey warlocks, alright. So more--a different persuasion than I am. Oh, what does it say? How much does it pay?

It doesn't say get. Frost just said, that is so... How much do you think Grand Riches is, eh? With our luck, it's going to be 99,997 gold pieces. But then we just have to rescue two or three cats and we'll be all set. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

We can do this first, and then we can... There's fucking cats everywhere. No, I'm doing one thing. I'm doing one thing. I have to rescue this patron. I'm not saving the cat. I mean, look, it says grand reward. I mean, guilds always have tons of... You know how much dues cost to be in a guild? It's ridiculous. I mean, even if we can find where this guild is and rob them, now that's an idea. I don't know if we should...

Robbed from anyone who calls themselves a warlock. Perhaps if they called themselves peace locks. The easiest shit. There's even a skull on. Does that spook you too, Frost? Oh, it's inside of a scroll. Are you a warlock, Grummy? I mean, yeah. Can't you say, oh, hey?

Hey, fella, how do you do, fellow warts? What I will say is looking at it, it makes you think of when your grandparents needed to make some kind of digital image and they used a lot of those, that clip art. This is just Microsoft Word clip art. Hey, Kevin, help me with the computer here. I gotta find my Warlock paint job. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

You should never let us talk for more than five minutes. Get the fuck over here, Kevin. I mean, yeah, I'm a warlock, but look, if you read, it's an arch-vay warlock. That's a totally different kind of warlock than what I am. Well, now, here's the other thing. Cliffy, I hear you need some help finding your paper. LAUGHTER

Get the fuck out of here. How do I turn this off? There's horse shit. Don't look at me with those eyes. Now, I think you're onto something, Krimit. If they're missing their patron, what else are they missing?

That's a good point. Regardless, a great reward is definitely a lot better than five silver pieces. I imagine at least three, four, hopefully five digits. That'll get us very close very quickly, and then perhaps we can spend money to make money. This would take us the shortcut.

- Well, I know, what I know where the pumpkin patch is south of town. I know where, you know, that big old pumpkin patch is south of town. - I would say you've even heard that name whispered about. And I will say just for the sake of ease,

You are familiar with the name and that this person, this man, has been around Agwe for a long time. And he's an older guy in that he is rumored to have quite a lot of money. The house he lives in is fairly nice considering its placement out towards the swamp. But he does live a secluded life. He's got a lot of land, though. And you... It is...

He's been known to swim the same circles as some of the upper crusts. I have a question about frost knowledge. Sure. Does frost know what an archfey is? Yeah. Okay, so that's something that's generally known. And my second question, how big exactly are these pumpkins? They're about... I don't know, pumpkin size. I don't know, like three feet tall and about one and a half inches.

Yeah, about three feet wide. That doesn't seem large to me for a pumpkin. Three feet? Three feet? No. If you think of... I've seen giant pumpkins six, seven feet long. I think it was three feet. Yeah. I know how long three feet is. In IRL, giant pumpkins at three feet would not be that big. No, they're like...

Here is his pumpkin patch with his giant pumpkin. Okay, so that's a house. Yeah. That's like 15 to 20 feet across. No, they're all cute. I was just willing, thank you, Nose. I was just giving you the dimensions of Willy Worm. I heard that and I decided to ignore it. Thank you.

Your intelligence is getting in the way, Frost. You're taking this too literally. It's just meet me at the giant pumpkin patch. It's not a pumpkin patch full of giant pumpkins. It's a really big pumpkin patch. Oh, so the pumpkin patch. Full of regular-sized pumpkins. Really? Well, I'm presuming. Well, that makes me less curious, but let's go anyway and investigate. Wait, now that I look at it, Madrick. Oh, this must be Steve Madrick. I think I know this guy. Oh, wait, Madrick Rosloff.

Steve Madrick Rosloff. Who? I apparently know him. Madrick Rosloff? Yeah, he's an older guy. He's been around our way. And he's got to be up there in years. I wonder how he's doing. Is it one of those things where warlocks generally know each other? I mean, you know. I don't know if everyone knows he's a warlock. Would I know that he was a warlock? No, probably not. It's very clear that this was an old man that wrote that. Look, either way, I know what this is.

Let's go pay old Maverick a visit. Yes. Well, I mean, I feel like even if he can't, even if he means like, I will offer you the grand reward of friendship, we should still do it. Because if I lost my primal spirits, I would be so sad.

Gregor, if we accept friendship and we do something for a week, and then you're killed horribly two weeks later, are you going to feel very good about that friendship, or would you prefer the gold? Both. Let's discuss this as we make our way. Okay. I will start to lead the gang south, wherever I think this would be. Okay. You're just heading straight through town and then cutting over? Hold on, Phyllis. Give me one second.

I want to kinda like, sort of nonchalantly as I can despite being on like a purple tuxedo. I'm gonna look around and see if I can notice any bully wugs. Roll a perception check at advantage. Because you know what you're looking for. You did steal her dice. He did, yeah. That's an 8- no sorry, that's an 8/16.

Okay, yeah, looking around, you see that there are quite a few grinning sinners, um, skulking in the shadows, um, essentially keeping an eye on you. All right, um, I don't think we should go through town. Nope. Um, we're already in the crawdad quarter. Uh, I think we just slip into the swamp and we go around. How does that sound? Is there anything else we can do to get them off our trail? What do you mean?

A distraction, perhaps. If you have any abilities, magically. I'm in agreement that we should try to lose them. Well, I'm not sure they're going to follow us into the swamp. They can't be inconspicuous. And frankly, I don't really know what they intend to do with us. But I don't like how we're being watched right now. Yeah, I guess you're right. Once we get into the swamp, those frogfellas will be totally out of their element. What?

What's the name of one of the other quarters in... Magnolia Promenade. Yes, we will go to the Magnolia Promenade and find this calico cat.

That's a great idea, Frost, yeah. You know, I've always wanted to try the soup in the bread bowl at that one place. That sounds delicious. We can do that because we have the money. Oh, we picked a cat. What a fucking waste. Follow me, Gideon.

Let's go this way. What to do, friends? Roll a deception at advantage because your friends are helping you. Hold on. Wait a minute. Didn't Magnolia promenade down that way? So just regular style. Well, that's a natural 20. Roll a d100 for me, please. Oh, my goodness. 30. Oh, no. 83. Sorry. You're good.

So that's a 27 for my deception. You keep your eye out and you notice that as you're saying this, they begin to move before you do. Hearing that that's where you're going, they make their way towards the Magnolia Promenade preemptively, which gives you enough time to sneak into the shadows and head in a different direction. Yeah, so right before we're about to leave the crawdad quarter, I would try to look for an alley between one of the two shanties.

You know this town well enough that you're easily able to find a way. And I'll say with that help from your friends, you're able to dart down an alleyway and take these back areas through the crawdad quarter until you step out into the swamp. And once you get to the swamp, it is very clear that Kremi knows this area like the back of his hand. As he begins to lead you through a maze of cypress trees, you're about...

calf deep in muck as you wade through the swamp, Gricko even higher on your short stature, but you are able to wind your way through the--

through the muck and the mire as you make your way towards Madrick Rosloff's place. And for the sake of brevity, it takes you a good two and a half, almost three hours from when you leave to when you're able to make it to his place, just because it is difficult terrain, as it were. But you are finally able to pull yourselves out of the swamp as you make your way through Madrick's

a forested area and eventually to a cute little patch that is contrary to what Crummy said, a giant pumpkin patch. There are about 25 giant pumpkins, some of them ranging 20, would that be accurate? About 20 feet? - 20 feet, yeah. - Yeah, about 20 feet.

From here to the ceiling is like 10, 12 feet, right? Okay, so like 10...

- 16 feet. - Biggest room. - They're huge. They're gigantic. Some of them look like, it makes the house look almost dwarfed in comparison. The house is very quaint, but it is well kept. It's a thatched roof house. You can see smoke billowing up from the chimney. There is clearly someone inside and the smell is comforting. It smells like fresh baked pumpkin pie.

Oh. Oh! I love pumpkin pie. Look at the size of these pumpkins. You undersold this. Well, you know, last time I was here was a long time ago, and they were all just regular-sized pumpkins. Maybe these are the same pumpkins they've been growing this whole time. That's probably exactly right. I wonder what he has in his... What is he watering them with? I haven't seen pumpkins this big since that waitress before Miss Dallery's University. Oh!

Is that any window, Gideon? Did she have a pumpkin patch? Yeah. Yes, she did. I do recall she had red hair.

You know, let's keep up our manners for Mr. Rosloff, and, you know, hopefully we can get a sense of what kind of reward this is. I'll mind his delicate fucking sensibilities. I think we all will. Grimmy, you do the talking. All right, just follow my lead. I will. Up, up, up.

Is there a chance you can get a free slosh of par for each of us thrown in? I would like that. Oh, and one for Hoot. We're all going to go in if he invites us in. No, I'm just saying, because you're doing the talking. I'm just saying, if he offers us a slice of pie, but then it's like, well, it's going to be one gold less and we only get 99,998 gold pieces, I'm going to be upset. I feel like the pie would be fit if it tastes as good as it smells. And you be on your best behavior, Hootsy. Remember the manners I taught you. Especially for an old man. Speak up.

And only speak when spoken to. That's how old people like children to be. Riggo, we're not gonna die for pie. You're right. Okay, crummy, do your talking. All right, well, so I will clear my throat and I will take my cane and I will rap on the door three times with my cane. You rap on the door and you wait.

And you hear shuffling around inside. You hear the clanging of pots and movement, but no one comes to the door. You wait a little bit longer and you wrap on the door and you hear something knocked off of a table and some loud shuffling. No one comes to the door. Finally, you wrap a little bit louder and then you hear from inside, Oh, someone's up

As all of a sudden you can hear loud clanging as pots and pans are knocked this way and that. The door opens and you see a wizened old man in a black cloak, a long, very tailored, nice black top with a black embroidery on it, some billowy pants and some house slippers. Flitting around his head are two

uh, what appear to be pixies, uh, one with a beautiful blonde hair in shades of purple. The other one in shades of green with bright, fiery red hair. Um, his hair is very long down to his back and, uh,

completely white. His eyebrows are incredibly bushy and a piercing, almost frosty blue eyes. His face, the lights and a smile. And you see a small tattoo right above his right eyebrow in the shape of a chicken foot.

He looks out at all of you. Welcome to Matrick Rosloff's house of... No. He's motioning to the pixie with the red hair. Stop talking to me when I have guests. What a deal. Are we in operating hours right now? No, wait.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Grubby, you sure this is the fucking guy? Welcome to Patrick Rostoff's Warlock Guild! Okay, it sounds like him. Manly! What it is, man? Welcome, I hope you... Do you remember me?

I have never met you, son. The name is Magic Rosloff. And he reaches his hand out to shake it. I have not met you, sir. The name's Crammerlick Crew. You don't remember me? Never heard of you in a day in my life. Remember when you were a regular of Krusty Dicks in the Krawdak Order? I was a cook back in the day. I've never eaten Krusty Dicks a day in my life. No, you definitely got crabs and Krusty Dicks. I don't even

Well, then, you know what? You probably have early-onset dementia. I can feel how young and dry you are. You're threatening me with assaults.

No, I'm just joking, I'm just joking. No, it wasn't an insult, she says. Well, it's great to see you again. You're looking, well... Sprightly! That's right. It's probably been quite a few years. Where are my glasses? Well, I can't help you with that. I don't know where your glasses are. This is...

Is that not them right on his head? And you watch as the pixies fly behind him and they look around, but you are right. They have fallen back behind his head and as they fly up, they move them over and, oh, now I can see you. Oh, yep, never met you.

All right. Mr. Rothkopf. Come in, come in. My pie is burning. And he shuffles into his house really quickly and you can see that there is a bit of a smell. The pie does smell like it's starting to burn, but he's able to get it out of the oven before it fully catches fire. Probably on account of the crabs from Krusty Dix. Rico, I think it's time for you to start facing your own mortality. I lay him down.

Wait, who she wasn't on that contract. Was it, was she? Yes, she was. I'll bear name. Who'd see. Let's go. We're going serious. Um, he, as he's shuffling about, he tells you to follow the pixies that they will, um, they will lead you to the sitting room and you are, you're, you make your way through this very cozy, uh,

very comfortable little cottage into a nice sitting room. The walls are lined with bookshelves, old tomes. You can see a large, what appears to be an ancient oak tree, but it's shrunk down to a smaller size that's perched into the corner, almost the way that you would put a cat tower, but this clearly is a pixie tower as there are two tiny houses on it. As the pixies fly into their little homes and they begin to drink their tea, neither one of them seems to be

speaking verbally, but Madrick understands what they're trying to communicate to him. And they seem very fond of him. But they both have cute little porches attached to their little homes and they sit out there drinking tea watching you. Does it seem like there's a back and forth or does it seem like Madrick thinks he's understanding what they're saying? Yes. The pixies, however, do seem to be communicating very well with each other and you can hear a...

Very high pitched grumbling noises, but you can't make out what the words are. And you see that there are some plush couches with some crocheted blankets made of a mishmash of different colored yarns. Big pillows with embroidery of different cats and dogs and things on them, all with different names. Sparkle Butt is the name of one of the dogs. It's a dachshund.

Uh, would you mind if I gesture to the couch? Yes, please! Take a seat! Would anyone like a slice of pie? We would all love one, please. And one for Hootsie as well. Is pie free? I offered it, yeah. Okay, thank you very much! Yes, please. This isn't a cafe! Oh. But Frosty said you were gonna charge us! Speaking of a cafe, would anyone like a cup of coffee?

I'll have a cup. I'll have a cup with a bus. Would anyone want to help me?

I'll help you. I can't carry all these slices of pie and a bunch of cups of coffee on my own. Oh, yeah, no, we'll help you. We're very helpful folk. Well, then don't sit down. Come with me to the kitchen. Oh, okay. I'll take my hat off. Don't you make yourself behave? Behave? You're in a very kind person's place. There's a small dog bed that she curls up on. She is clearly way too big for it, but she lays down. Oh, you fit just nicely, perfectly there. Oh.

Okay. All right, Gied, what's the, what do we think? And I want to start scanning the room to see, like, does anything look valuable that we could potentially steal? Uh, roll an investigation check. Um, and you make your way in, and he quickly shows you where the, where the mugs are. They all have these strange, um, like,

- Quirky sayings on them, like dad joke style sayings. He's got a shelf full of mugs with different names of places he's visited around Avantris. The apron he's wearing says, "Kiss the cook."

Are there carved wooden letters on the wall that say "Live, Laugh, Love"? Yes. Yeah. This mug says "Over the Hill." It's right next to the other one that says "Over the Hill." He's got five or six of those ones. Mine has a cartoon cat comic on the side.

But yeah, that's essentially what it looks like. He seems quite grumpy. He pulls out a, you see that the burnt pie is off to the side and he's actually cutting slices from a perfectly cooked pumpkin pie. He takes out some homemade whipping cream and tops them, sprinkles a little bit of cinnamon on the top and a dollop of iced cream, iced custard that he made.

places on the side with some fresh chopped candied pumpkin bits. Oh my gosh. And he hands you a bunch of these plates and has you bring them in as he brings his pumpkin spice coffee. Mr. Rosloff, is this pie made from pumpkins from the size of the pumpkins you have outside? Yes!

Are the seeds all lots of little tiny seeds on the inside or they are they similarly large like a like a basketball? Yes You've been most informative. Thank you. Very very informative. Oh, tell us more. How did you uh, I'm trying to like make conversation with them. I'm so glad

- And he's talking to you as you're helping him set everything up. - I'm looking around to see if there are like dried pumpkin seeds the size of like tennis rackets anywhere. - There definitely are. - Okay, I'm happy. I lean into Krami while everyone's in the kitchen and I say,

I don't know how you feel about this guy, but he's about two cogs short of an engine that only has two cogs. Exactly right. And if this guy has dealings with the Fae, he might have a lot of gold stashed someplace. But I've also heard, you know, they're pretty tricksy, too. So you just ought to be careful. Oh, you see anything that looks like grand... What was that word? Grandeur?

- Treasure, maybe? Oh, it was, let me just, a grand rewards right here, see? - Yeah, I mean, I don't, I see a lot of- - What was your investigation? - Oh, four. - Oh, great, you look around and you see a bunch of fairy tales, some old books that look like maybe to the right person they might be worth something, but definitely not 100,000 gold pieces. You see a lot of photos of Madrick spanning the years of his life.

going on adventures. You see photos of him with what looks to be a set group of friends that he used to travel with a lot. - Oh. - There's a cuckoo clock hanging above the wall, a macrame wall hanging that looks really old, a couple of baskets of yarn. He clearly enjoys yarn work, an old rocking chair.

All right, you know, I think based on what I see, I think we play this straight. I think we see what the job is. And if we can find this Zabillna, and we really got a grand reward, you know, I think it's worth a shot. Let's not blow our chances by getting sticky fingers, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Well, we should ask to see a piece of what the reward looks like, because I got a feeling this is one of them types of situations where the grand reward is the friends you made along the way.

Oh, that's a good point. Maybe that's why it's not being specific. Maybe he considers his pumpkin pie a grand reward. And we go through all this effort and finds a bill none. He's like, well, you get two pies to go. And that's it. What a travesty. Well, I mean, it does sound pretty good, but... Look, you know, whatever it is, I'll try to get it in writing.

My name is Morning Frost. You can call me Frost. Does your green child need a booster seat? My green child? Yes. Fuck, Derek.

As the green child with the very large dog. Oh, you mean Gricko. That took some time for me. I'm really quite smart. That's remarkable. You named your child Gricko Morning? No, no, no, no. This is actually a goblin. It's an adult man. This is an adult man that you're looking at.

You're looking at an adult man gobbling.

Oh, I'll be damned! Oh yeah, I'm actually a father. I'm actually the oldest of the group. Oh, I was wondering why your voice was so low compared to most children. Anyway, my question still stands. Do you need a booster suit? No, I don't. I mean, no, you don't have to. I just want to make sure you're comfortable.

I appreciate your consideration, Mr. Rosloff. You're very nice. Thanks, I have a coloring page and some crowns if you want to color one over here. Oh, I won't say no to that. All right. And he goes over to his side. Oh, is there a little maze? I can make sure I get one if you want. Okay, I'm finally going to get it this time. And he brings you a coloring book called The Sleeping Queen, and he places it down in front of you, and it has all these beautiful...

images in it that clearly have never been colored and a pack of crayons that is, has never been touched. These are wax, wax coloring devices in case you're not familiar with crayons. Oh, what is Chef Kiva have today? Tom has spent $27 on a sandwich. Yes, but the straws are huge.

Why do they get some big straws? Have you seen the size of the straws? Yes, there's a back there, it's very clearly a hedge maze that you can work your way through and an incredibly easy crossword puzzle.

Well, I mean, unless we think it's rude, I think I might take a crack at this. Oh, we're jumbled. Oh, yeah. Oh, the diagonal is tricky. You'll get that one. You always do this.

Oh, and he pours the coffee and passes it to each of you. It smells very pleasant here. Thank you so much for coming to visit, old Madrick. I haven't had visitors in such a long time. What brings you this way? Well, uh, we swung by the job board this morning.

You done? You done? You alright? You feel, I mean you...

All right. We swung by the job board this morning and we noticed this. You found my, oh, I made that by myself. Oh, it's very nice. I didn't even know there was an Archfey Warlock here. I spent 35 gold pieces on all those little images and stuff on there. I had a hortus draw the whole thing up for me. 35? Yeah.

Well, maybe we're just going to sign making. What's the answer? Very talented lad. Well, we wanted to know. So it seems like you've lost your patron. Yeah, it's been a while since we've been in contact. How long has it been, Fran? 15 years. Years?

I know I look young for my age. You do. 15 years is a long time to anyone. It is, yes. Do you still have your powers? Oh, of course, of course. Old Madrick here, strong like ox. That's good. I'm glad that they weren't stripped away in some kind of old fashion. We used to communicate often, and I'm just worried something's happened to her.

Well, the four of us are quite capable, and we would love to help you get in contact with Zavillna, if that's how you say it. You are very large! Well, thank you for noticing. You're welcome. You are very, very smart. Well, thank you for noticing. You're welcome. You are a great liar. Thank you for noticing.

I like you a lot. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, I'm rushing. Do you think you're capable of handling something like this? It requires going into the Feywild, a place that even the strongest of them can't survive. I understood that we were going to a place called the Prismir. I was hoping that we were going to be looking for a cat.

given the name. Why? Well, because it's not important. The Prismir that you're asking us to go to, is that in this Feywild? It is a domain of the Feywild that is the domain that Sibylna rules over. In the Feywild? Yes, she is the queen of the Palace of Heart's Desire. She's a

Like a fairy godmother of sorts. Okay. She's kind and gentle. She is sorely missed. Well, it definitely sounds interesting. I mean, I've heard of the Feywild. I've never been. Would you know how to get us there? Or could you at least point us in the right direction if we were to...

You know. Frost, have you ever been to the Feywild? I've never been to the Feywild. I actually, there are many planar locations which I'd like to journey. I've never been to the Feywild either. Have you ever been, Gideon? Don't look at me. I've never been to the fucking Feywild. I don't think. I think I've been. Have you ever been to the Feywild? Once or twice. Oh, you're being a little coy. Very interesting. LAUGHTER

So, would you be able to help us get there? Actually, as fate would have it, the Witchlight Carnival is in town. The what? The carnival. The Witchlight Carnival. It was created by Sibilna as a way for mortals to enter Prismir if they wanted to beseech her for her help.

Has it already been eight years? Who's here? We've been together for eight years. Wait, when does it come? It's been here for five days.

There's a carnival here in Agwe. It has three more days left. Well, it's out of town. Oh my gosh, it's almost your birthday, Hoochie. Oh, we have to have the greatest party. Three more days, you say? Yes, and it's about a three-day travel to get there, so you'd have to leave soon. Three, three. There's a little bit of a problem. You know about this?

Yeah, no, I used to work at the... Oh, that's great! I mean, it was just a very... It was a temp gig, you know. I was down on me luck. It was before I met you, Frosty. And so then, obviously, that'd be before I met you, Kramay. I don't think you've ever mentioned it in the years we've been together. Oh, that's where Hootsie and I met. It's where we first...

our inseparable bond she would just love this big you've never called it the witchlight carnival in all the stories you've told you just said the carnival oh yeah well because I kind of took Hootsie I'm not sure if it was like oh hey take this owl bear I'm like come on Hootsie let's get out of here

Well, the last time I visited, it was owned by two Shatterkai, a Mr. Witch and Mr. Light. I believe that they still run it, but they were not the original owners. Oh, Mr. Witch. So if it was a different owner when you stole your owlbear, you should be fine. Oh, it was eight years ago. It was the last time it was here. Well, that was the last time I was there.

And it was run by a Mr. Witcher to Mr. Light then. Well, oh, well, mate. Well, I didn't really meet any of them. I kind of just stayed with the goblins. I was really base level carny. A little bit of beast taming once I earned myself a little juggling. Nothing major. They have a really high turnaround rate.

Yeah, I guess the benefits weren't very good either. Well, it's an eight day gig. I mean, is it eight days or eight years? Eight days. Eight days and eight years, yeah. Eight days and we have three to get to them. So you work eight days every eight years.

Oh no, no, I worked for a couple days and then I made out with Hootsie. It was only for a couple days I worked there. You made out with Hootsie? Yeah, I snatched her up. Oh, Hootsie. What? What? Everything you sound like sounds dirty. This adorable little girl right here is Hootsie. Actually, I have some carvings that I did of her the day I first found her and I'll pull out all of these. Hootsie.

Oh, you see here, and you're going to see a bunch of wooden tokens fall down, and I've carved pictures. And this was the first time I taught her how to do her first stylish jig. Oh, she was so good. And look at her little hat.

And then this was the time, this was her very first corn and corn alone day festival. Oh gosh, she ate so many corns, she threw up, oh no. Oh yes. The one you made of us is actually quite true. Oh yeah, look, we look really nice together. Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed. Well, hold on. Hold on, I mean... It's 5.30! It's 30 minutes past my bedtime! If we could just stay up for a little while longer, perhaps have a little more coffee. We have a few questions to make sure that we can do what you're asking us to do. Okay, let me go to the line. My girl, my girl don't lie to me.

There's a man singing outside. That's just Tom! Tom, you have a very lovely singing voice! Don't give up on your dream! He's an asshole! Um, sorry, I hate you, Tom. Never mind. Give up on your dream, you're terrible. Oh, I have a checklist of all the things I need to tell anyone who wants to take this quest!

Well, I mean, do you have an item on your checklist about the grand reward? Sibylna is a fairy godmother, and Immortals are telling you that already. I mean, you sort of alluded to it. What does that mean? She created the carnival as a way for mortals to enter her domain and beseech her aid. Good.

Yeah, you said that. Tom, shut up, we're trying to have a conversation. Gosh, man, your Ronnie is an asshole. Shut up, Tom. When last you visited the carnival, me, when last I visited the carnival, it was... You just described yourself. This is your life.

She's in the Palace of Heart's Desire. Now we got that already, yeah. She assumes many forms. She's a statuesque woman, large blonde hair. Oh, I thought you were somewhere else. She has a chicken foot tattoo. I can't do the foot thing or my throat's fucking broken. Just as you moaning frost. I'm glad. I'm glad. Yes, that's about it.

Shut up, Tom! Tom! Do you want me to come out? Okay. Thank you! Thank you. Sorry! And he leaves. You're not that bad! Don't come up on Dream Show! Fuck yourself! He's gone, I'm a dick. I told ya! Oh, um...

Prismir is a domain of delight. Ruled by Sibylna, who's my patron. She's been missing for 15 years. Oh, you knew. I thought you said she was in the Palace of Half-Desire. If you know where she is, how is she missing?

She's not responding to my text messages. Oh. Just like Remy was leaving poor Kremi on read. That's right. Let's not bring that up. And then he threatened us with murder. That's it. That was all that was on my notes. I have many questions, Kremi.

All right, are you going to ask me the questions or are you going to ask him the questions? Well, I thought you had a pressing question to start with, and then I have following questions. Oh, well, I mean, there's one major question you haven't really gotten. This grand reward here, what is it? What's the nature of it? I would like to die. Well, we could help you with that. Does that pay a grand reward, too? I pick up a pillow with, like, a beautiful...

Pug doggo on it. He's looking up in the most cute manner with huge eyes. It's gonna be alright. It's gonna be fine. Mr. Rosloff, it's all over. It's fine. We'll take care of your pixies. We'll sell your pumpkins for hundreds of thousands of gold pieces. No, he doesn't actually say that, though. Holy shit. I would like to die.

And I don't say this to be morbid. I've had an unusually long life thanks to Sibilna. I had friends just like you, have each other, and went on many grand adventures. I've accumulated millions of gold, as well as a trove of magical items that I would like to bequeath to my predecessors so that I can finally rest.

I don't feel right leaving this earthly plane until I know Zabillna is alright. I'm too old to see to it myself, so I have decided. I like this song! I don't! I don't!

- What did we just say? Come on, man. - Shut the fuck up! - Gideon, why don't you have a word with Dom? - I'll do her out of the bag. - The playlist ended, so it's doing randoms. - Yeah, it's jumping into randoms. - Yeah, we're probably monetized. - Oh yeah, we're 10 ways to monetize. - Sponsored by Cleavage. - You did say bequeath with a T-H at the end, correct? - Bequeath. - That's right, yes, thank you. - I don't know!

Anyway, I'd like to give my shit to people, alright? That's very, uh, honorable. We would like to take your shit, please. And so I... Do you say millions? Yeah. Did you hear that? That's just Tom. Oh my god, I killed Bob. He's gonna stop us from literally getting money. I love this song! Well, he stopped singing. Nope. Oh, he's a devil on that banjo, old Tom!

I thought you hated Tom. Yeah, he's a right old asshole, but the boy can play! Anyway... Yeah, I want to give my everything I've got, I want to give it to someone who can use it. Someone who can do good. We can do good with your millions of gold and a trove of magical items.

I actually agree, yes, it would be an honor.

Absolutely. Wait, do we do it with just killing this guy? No, no, no, no, we're not going to kill him. We're going to make sure that his loose ends are tied so that he can pass away with grace and dignity. Did I tell you about where Zabilla's palace is? Yeah, yeah, the Heart's Desire or something? The Palace of Heart's Desire in the Domain of Delight. It actually sounds... Yeah, it's called Prismir.

Yeah, that's on the poster. No, no, I'm sending people to death this time, okay? I don't know why that's always your first thing. You're gonna need to go to the carnival, and there is some ways in the carnival to get to Prismir. I don't know how to get there. I don't know how to do it. And so you will have to figure that out, unfortunately, on your own. Have you been to Prismir yourself? No.

Wiz, is the Wizlight Carnival setting up out in the swamp? It's about two and a half days. Two days. It's a walk from here. Three days. Now, the carnival leaves in three days. You have to get there by the final night. Now, I don't want to seem insensitive, but if we're taking even a three-day journey, you seem like you got hours left. For what? For life.

I want to go to bed. He doesn't look that bad, dude. Don't go gently into that good night. You have so much to live for. Like this novelty plaque you got as a gift. Oh, smell old people. Oh, that's just me. Very funny. I picked that up from, uh, what's his name? Uh,

Tim Jambalaya? No. Oh, very charming. You have so much to live for. Just hang on, then. Oh, Spencer? Wasn't Spencer in town? Spencer? No. That was someone's gifts. I do recall that. He looked kind of like you, just older. Is he your brother? You don't mean Dr. Etouffee. Yeah, that's the boy. That is my brother. What? Yeah, he told me his name is Kermy. He told you his real name.

Wow. Why did that happen? I saw it. Maybe you peered into his mind and saw it. Yeah, usually he likes to use his etouffee moniker. I got that from him. He said it was magical.

It is. No, he's a bad liar. It's the magic of aging gracefully. Mandrake, let me ask you one more question and then I will let the rest of my crew ask you more questions. It's 540

The steps, the steps. We are going to the carnival. Yeah. We're going to find our way into the carnival. Yeah. We're going to find our way into Prismir. Yeah. We're going to find out the current fate of your... Zabilna. Yeah. Of Zabilna. And then we're going to return here. Yeah, with proof. I just spit all over my mustache. Not just proof, but we're going to have to find a way back here. Yeah. And then we're going to have to...

Do you have a message for her? Is there anything we should be saying when we see her? No! No message. If you write her a letter, we could pass it to her. Alright. Hey, Gideon, would you just peek out the window to make sure Tom's not setting back up? Okay.

Oh, fucking Tom. There he is. Why don't you step outside for a little bit? Let's just stand at the door. He's talking about we'll run away. Oh, it's you him a gentle reminder. Oh, Nuit Blanche. What? We're going to be here till Nuit Blanche. Oh. He's actually, he's writing and we're going to have a message to deliver. At the very least, it'll be our halfway moment when we start walking out of the woods, so to speak. Well, I hope you're right.

I'm sure there's a lot of ads to say. I mean, if you want us to come by, oh no, I guess we can't wait till the morning. We gotta head out right away. Oh wait, Hoochie, you have been in the Feywild. I guess you would be from the Feywild. Oh, thank you. How about that? Now this is just a sign that says antiques made daily. Oh, you wrote on the back of it. You wrote on the back of it. I see it, I see it. Oh.

Very, very nice. I will keep this close to my person. Thank you. How can we prove to you when we return that we've delivered this message? That's part of your quest! Well, but surely she has, like, perhaps a code word that she would tell only us? No! Well, we'll find that proof. All right. Well, do you mind if we get this in writing that if we successfully do this...

I could provide a contract that you could just sign if that would help. Yeah, please! And I'll snap and there'll be like a burst of almost shadow and a filled out contract will appear in the air floating with a line and an X next to it. And I'll reach into my jacket and I'll pull out a nice carved bone pen that has a feather on the end of it. If you just use this to sign. Oh, no, babe.

This is horrific. It might hurt a little bit, but just sign quick. Oh, the arthritis. He signed. You can hear his wrist creaking as he signs his name. It sounds like a tree falling over in the forest. That's a nightmare. As he signs his name, you'll see that it's him. Oh! Oh!

God, arthritis. You'll see that it's in red ink, but it's actually his own blood. How wasn't the blood that bothered me? I've got the penis. And you see as he pricks his finger and does a test. Why does that contract smell like pumpkin spice? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Yep, I'm taking away the combat tonight. The contract will roll up in midair and you'll see it sort of seal with a magical stamp of a skull with a top hat. It'll sort of vanish in a puff of shadow. Thank you, Kyle and the friend.

And so you obviously want the down payment to start. - Obviously. - He rifles through, he's got this cute little crocheted purse on his side and he opens a little button and he rifles through and you see that there are like three or four pairs of bifocals. He's got a pair of mittens. There's another coffee mug in there, an old coffee mug.

an old wallet that appears to be empty, uh, a picture of a really, really sexy older lady. Um, and then there is, um, what an envelope that seems to be filled with things. And he, uh,

I'm sure just half a million or a million gold pieces at the start would make. It says, "Rewards for quest. Open." And then with an arrow pointing to the back and he looks at you. He turns it around, he opens up the envelope and he starts rifling through. Here's a bag of beans! Oh. I love beans. You are much too short for this, young man! Cloak of Displacement. Gosh, you're like all the girls from high school. He looks towards you.

Some letters. And he looks towards you and gives you a bag of 500 gold pieces. Hey, this is... I think we might have just gotten all of the gold we need. Wow, that's probably a bag of gold. Will's counted when we're back. I'll just do a quick math for us. I've been practicing. I know. All right, friend, well...

Just point us in the direction of the carnival and we'll start on my way right now. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Did I give you the letters? Yeah, you gave him the gold. You gave me reading material. Can you read, Sonny? We're going to find out, I guess. I hope so. Well, with that, I think that I would like to go to bed now.

Well, friend, it's been a pleasure. Doing business with you. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I can't have you leave yet. Oh, boy. You're not going to be able to get into the carnival without these. These? Oh. Don't mind if I. Wow. Oh. These are nice tickets. Where do you think they make these from? If you try and get into the carnival without a ticket...

There are lots of horrible things that can happen! So you make sure you keep that on you! I got the foil version. That's very valuable. Now it says second edition. Sorry. Oh shit, it's beta.

You know, I don't appreciate that we run the hog way to lay low after failing as carnival workers. And this carnival comes into town and shows us up even in the quality, quality of their tickets. I mean, this is just, this is beautiful. You know what, Crammy? And don't take this the wrong way. The one thing that I never did get from the Witchlight Carnival was an IOU. Oh, thanks, Rick. That helps.

Yeah, no, I don't know. I don't know what the point of that was, but, you know, I'll think. It's not everything. Hoochie was not happy there, so they... Hoochie loved Carnivola Crew. He loved dancing. It's little details like this why we ultimately collapsed and fell into such bankruptcy. Yeah, well, what are tickets like? That and that fucking camera.

We're just gonna let you do it. Oh my god, when I make it shut up. Leave! Leave! Well, I, uh, goodbye, Pixie ladies. It's been a pleasure to meet you. We look forward to seeing you in, um...

eight days plus three... Oh! The time flows differently in the Feywild! So, hopefully you will have more time than you need and not less! Even better. Assuming that we don't do it the other way, then everything's gonna be just fine with the Remnant. Oh, yes!

We'll be back soon. We will find the bill now. We'll bring it back and we'll all have pumpkin pie together. Thank you for these beans. Yeah, these letters. And for the pie, thank you. And the chantilly cream. And the custard. Nice touch. You're welcome. He pets you on the head. You're a really nice lad. Oh, thank you.

Tom, you can come back for your serenade. Fuck off! Hey, Tom, can you just break his arm as we leave? Just a little. I can do that. Just one half, not all the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No compound fractions this time, all right? Just so he can't play the banjo for a little bit. Wait, what's a con? Is that when you see the bone?

It's when it spirals. I don't mean to be rude, but can you get out of my house? Can you say thank you to the nice man? Hold on, I'm just going to say thank you. Oh, that's how she says thank you. Oh, you're so polite. Good night, puppy. He pet suits and he shambles upstairs to his bedroom. Good night, friend. Good night, Mr. Rosloff. Good night. All right, friends.

Because I've got a Witchlight ticket. So we're standing in line. Is that genuine Displacer, Beastard?

Oh, yeah. I don't know why I gave it to me. Yeah, here you go. Oh, my goodness. Look at this. Do you see this? Can you, like, make that? Is that, like, part of your thing? I mean, it's kind of trippy. Yeah, you see that? It is a splice of piece. They are able to refract the light, and they are able to appear as if they are standing further away than they are. It's incredible. Is this a bag of beans? Yeah, it's a bag of beans.

So, um, there's like a benefit to wear it, I guess. You're probably harder to keep an eye on. Oh yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god, look at this. This is pristine. Very nicely done. Well, given that, you know, you're the only one that can like patch this up, why don't you keep that on yourself?

- Well, I'll fold it up and I'll need to make sure I commune with the Displacer Beast Spirit to make sure that that's all right. And I will thank it for its sacrifice to keep us safe. And then I will put it up. - Kermit, you know the way? - You do. - Fuck. - Just, he told you.

you know he never told us that well we're gonna have to go back inside wake him up we only have three days you see as he shambles to the door he opens it he's in a dressing gown the same slipper as a little nightcap

I'm so sorry to get you out of bed. I feel terrible, I really do, but we left without asking you the most important thing. I must have forgotten to ask. I definitely didn't ask you at least five or six or eight times. Which way to the carnival, friend? Towards Bog Blossom!

I know exactly where that is. Oh, oh, oh, let me go. This one though. Never mind. Oh,

Are you sure? I mean, that sounded like it was important. I don't need to get you out of bed again. He's gonna hand you a postcard that just says, Welcome to Agwe. This woman, this really nice lady named Susan keeps coming by and giving me this stupid Watchtower magazine. Hmm.

Holy shit. Is that a deep cut, Rich? Is that a deep cut? It's a witness magazine. It sounded like a deep cut. Wait, is that true? The world's gonna end? Oh, no! We gotta hurry! She's part of that Church of the Blind and Light. Oh, yeah, she wants to hear him.

Wait. Oh, she actually... This wasn't all a bit. What does it say, Gid? You can't read, right? Well, I'm trying to figure it out right now, if you'd let me think on it. You can do it! I give you guidance. As you see a little wispy... You'll see a wispy spectral... I don't know, what's a smart monster? Actually, no, for you, it'll be a rust monster.

And a little beetle-like thing will swirl around you very quickly and then zip back. And I'll touch your shoulder. You're going to be fine, Gideon. And I give you resistance. Well, suddenly these words are just jumping off the page. Since when boycott the carnival? Since when is the Carnival of Delight owned by damn DeShadarchai? Question mark.

This place is crawling with evil! Protect our community and send this wretched place back to the Shadowfell. Well, that's... Rude! Oh.

That's not very nice at all. Oh, I thought she was really nice until she gave me that. So people like us don't like this carnival? I don't know why people don't like Shadar Kai. Well, I mean, I guess it's a similar thing for every time we showed up, there was always people who was like, oh, these people are corrupting the view for scamming us out of all of our money and making us gamble and drink. Would you do me a favor? Another one.

I'm giving you everything I have, Sonny. Of course. I'm going to put you in soon. Gideon will do anything for you, Mr. Rosloff. I saved this because I always wanted to be the Witchlight Monarch. I don't think I'll ever get back to the carnival. Could you do your best to try and be the monarch this year?

They crown it on the very last night! Oh yeah, I think I'm... You can sit on a throne! Be a monarch, a real one! Like an actual king? Or queen? Yeah... I mean, sure, Fran, yeah, we can try our best. Why don't you take this?

Oh, wow. Who will be crowned our Witchlight Monarch? You know, I really wish I paid attention in orientation. He shuts the door. We have upstairs. A massive latching bolt.

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Gosh, we have to be the monarch! Well, I mean... Sit on the throne. Be a real monarch. He didn't say he'd give us anything extra for it, but if you try... Oh, but that's just so nicely... Hootie, you're gonna be the monarch. You're gonna be a little pretty princess. Well, who knows? Maybe we get something. I mean, monarchs, you know, have gold. Maybe we get something for being the monarch.

Oh, like, you know, instead of those two big carnival prizes that we gave out, maybe like some legitimate, you know, something of value. I mean, did you just get directions to where we need to go?

fuck oh no I did I did I did I forgot but I know we did no it's in the direction of Vodkarsman I know exactly where that is it looks like the northwest it would have been so horrible if we just did that well let's make our way I want to discuss and think about how we can become the monarch alright well gentlemen follow me

Their eyes look dead. It's a nightmare. Do I know the Church of the Blinding Light? Have I heard of it? Sure. You know, it's interesting that this church here is trying to boycott. I wonder if they intend to bring violence to the carnival. Hmm. You know, I've only heard the name. What else can you tell me about this Blinding Light church? I mean, they're, you know, they're a small church in Agwe. I don't know much more. I know that, you know, it's a religion worshipped up and down the coast. Um...

It's the Foltis religion? Yeah, they worship some god of truth and law and light. They're very pious. I've heard of other carnivals coming down to much worse fates than we did. So hopefully they don't intend to bring this one any trouble.

Sorry. I thought you were rolling. No. Just me hitting shit I shouldn't. Follow me. Let's make it double speed. We should try to get there as quickly as possible. And this is quite treacherous terrain. It'll be through the swamp most of the way. So we'll go as fast as we can, but, you know, we may have to swim, wade, climb over roots, trudge through muck and grime.

So, y'all ready? I can't believe our good fortune. I'm happy to do all those things. If Mr. Rosloff is telling the truth, good grief. The job boy paid off. I can't believe it. I mean, it's like, this is our prayers that are answered. You understand? I mean, what are the odds that something would fall into our lap like this? It's illogical, but let's see this to its conclusion. I have a good feeling. And I have it in blood.

So if we make good, he can't back out. That's why you're here. All right. This way, my pumpkin. Maybe I'll get a little help from the, uh,

- More friends on your facade. And I will try to commune with the primal spirits to help us through this wall. - The urge to smash these pumpkins is overwhelming. - Smashing pumpkins. Does that manifest in any way? - I would just be regularly casting guidance basically to help us along the way. - You take one last look at Madrick's house. Did you read the letters?

No, it's fine. Okay. You take one last look at Madrick's house as you make your way along the winding path off of his property. And Kremi is in the lead as he is guiding you back into the swamp towards what he believes to be Bod Possum. And at first, you notice nothing strange. But as you continue further in, Kremi, you begin to notice that

These are not the cypress trees you remember. These are mangrove trees. The roots are larger. The swamp water is murkier. And it almost has an incandescent look to it, almost as if it glitters and sparkles and almost like an oil slick kind of look to it as it moves. You begin to listen and all around you, the noises of the swamp are similar, but different.

almost as if they are, the sounds are heightened in a way. And you begin to look for some of the waypoints that you would normally look for, the landmarks that would mark your path. And you realize that you don't see any of those landmarks. You turn around. From this point, you should be able to see Madrick's home off in the distance. But as you turn around...

The way that you had come, that path, is completely gone. This isn't right. These trees don't even grow here. Where the hell are we? I mean, we... Oh, Grumman, you got us lost already? Well, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. So we're coming from southeast. No, I don't even recognize where we came from. Just remember to change your socks. Hootsy, you especially. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me just think. This is...

No, there are no trees like this at all anywhere near Agwe. Unless this is new. I mean, maybe it's like those giant pumpkins. Maybe something in the soil changed and the biomes changed since I was last here. Yeah, it's been some years. I imagine perhaps magical changes. Perhaps some kind of calamity has occurred. Just speculating. I mean, everything just seems kind of, I don't know, grimy or darker or like... I don't know. It doesn't feel like home.

Do you think that we're still on the right path? Or do we need to try and turn back? Well... I mean, I don't know what else to say. We are flat lost. I have no idea. None of this looks familiar. You think maybe my sense of direction was all mixed up? Maybe did he put some kind of charm on me? Or some kind of curse? Well, he wanted us to get there. I think he wouldn't have fucked it all up for us.

Like immediately. Yeah, like immediately. I wonder if you know what I was in. Oh no. Can I, do I have a sense of which direction is north? Yes. Based on the trees. You don't feel like your sense of direction has changed. It's just that the terrain around you is different. You imagine you could still make your way to where you believe Bog Possum and the carnival should be. You just won't have the landmarks to guide you.

You'll have to purely use your sense of direction. Alright, here's the thing. I don't think we're lost because I know which direction we're headed and I know which direction we came from. When it comes to a survival situation, those are the two most important things. So I vote we just keep going. And even though this looks strange and it doesn't feel like home, I think, I mean, it has to be that way. We haven't passed it. I know that much. I think we have a hypothesis. And we still have how much time left?

You have basically two days to travel, and then the third day is the last day of the carnival. We still have time to figure this out. Let's continue this way, and either you'll find something that's familiar, or we'll run into the carnival. All right. I was just locked a job board. Oh, it's a cat. We found that. And then we talked to Mr. Osloff, if we...

This keeps happening. This is where we're supposed to be. Oh, fuck the cat. Oh, is the cat going to be okay, you think? Maybe we just keep our eyes out for it. I mean, you know, we're here anyway. Roll a perception check. Oh, get in. Natural 20. Really? Yeah. Nice.

Are you worried about the kitty cat, Gideon? I'm not worried about the cat, okay? I'm just saying, we picked up a job and, you know, I don't particularly like jobs, but all I'm saying is keep your eyes peeled for the cat, okay? You sure you don't like the kitty cat, Gideon? My perception is a 23 and my D100 is a 65. Okay. You...

You think back as Gideon mentions the cat and you realize that there was a small tabby cat sitting on the stairs of Madrick's house that looked exactly like the cat in that photo.

I say nothing. All right, this way. Fellas, I think Gideon's a little worried about the kitty cat. Hey, you watch it, all right? I'm just saying. Let's just keep watching. I'm just saying it's nice to have some tender feelings to cute animal friends. I'm just saying it, you know.

You gotta let out your sensitive side, Mr. Cole. It's not that I care about the cat, per se. It's just if we're out here, we're heading to the carnival. It's a matter of five silver. Yeah, if you saw five silver pieces lying on the ground, you'd pick it up, too. Okay. I'll believe you. Mr. Cat. Anyway. I start trudging towards the directive that I think is the correct one. So you...

You've been lost in the swamp and you're still lost in the swamp. All right, and that's where we're in the session. Well, guys, we're lost in the swamp. I can't believe we're still fucking lost in this swamp. What do we do now that we're lost in this swamp? Should we head back? Well, I mean, what if we get even more lost going back? I think we're where we need to be. I need you all to roll a constitution saving throw for me, please. What? That's not a Nikki troll? Nope. Fuck. That's good. Woo!

I'm gonna ride. The dirtiest 20. Taking those dice away. So dirty. I'm taking those dice away. Dirty 20 is a redundancy on saving throws. Why? Because you can't crit a...

oh you can't go save yeah oh my god yeah but dirty this means you're adding the modifier it doesn't mean anything else well there's no reason to say you don't say dirty 17. that was something that we're done it would still technically be dirty it's just fine it's fun to say dirty 20 but i got anything where you got an eight natural natural whatever you actually uh i got an 18.

Okay. Cremie and Frost, you walk forward and you step down into the muck and a large bubble rises to the surface of the water and as it pops, this noxious gas begins to spill out of the water and you feel...

a little woozy, a little overcome for a second, but you're able to shake it. Gideon and Gricko, you are not. This smells horrible. Putrid. I need you both to roll a D100 for me, please. 27. Okay. 16. Oh, fuck.

That's the worst number. 16? Yeah, you're dead. Oh no. You're just done. Already? Yeah, your ribs turned into snakes. What did you get? 16. Sorry, what did you get, Mike? 27. Reroll it. Oh. Oh. Oh, crummy ribs. My ribs are turning into snakes. 34. It's happening. Crummy, crummy. Crummy, it's happening. Crummy down my ribs. You begin to turn into a corpse.

You immediately start vomiting up all of your innards and you watch as your skin begins to start desiccating and your bones start to move to the surface, or at least that's what you think. - Oh, well, that was really fucking best. - Oh my God. - Graco, you believe yourself to be made of gold. - What? - You believe yourself to be made of gold. - But he's not made of gold. - But you're not made of gold.

- Do we see this? - You, they look-- - We see him. - Yeah, you see Gideon and Gricko. This is a hallucination. - Oh, okay, so I don't see Gideon turning into a corpse. - No. - Right. - But Gideon thinks he's turning into a corpse. - You all right? Did you eat something? - But you do see him begin to vomit. He's just not vomiting his innards like he believes he is. - Oh, is that?

Well, that big intestine, a small... Are you both alright? Grammy, cover your mouth. I'm not fucking alright! I'm dying! I'm turning to fucking dust! Are you feeling alright, buddy?

I'm trapped and also beautiful at the same time. What's happening, Gringo? What the hell is going on? And also have a very nice intrinsic value.

I'm glad you've finally come to realize this, Draco, but you seem very rigid. Oh, oh no! I can't-- Haven't you seen my composition of my person has changed? I am now made of gold!

Made of gold. Yeah, and I don't mean as like a very self-empowering monster that I would say after I finish my morning stretches. I think he means literally he is of gold. Gideon, Gideon, what are you thinking of yourself? I'm thinking that we had a good run, guys. But...

This is it for me. From your elbow down now, it's just complete skeleton. Don't tell me you died. All the flesh is gone. That's everything you've been through. You just puke up a little bit of morning breakfast and you're dead? I puked up my whole...

Everything that's inside of me, they're my arms and bones. Let's just slack off some shrimp and grits, buddy. I don't know, like poking around with my cane and like-- Oh, don't touch that! I need you, as you let loose another bubble of swamp gas, I need you to roll a, I need both of you, need to roll a constitution saving throw at disadvantage because you're poking around in the swamp.

14. Yeah. I fail. 6. Both roll a d100 for me, please. You intentionally did that, you fucker. I don't want to be left out of the RP pro. Oh. 88. Oh, that's a good one. 83. Oh. I can go to the 80s. You didn't get 83 earlier? Or did you get 38? I haven't rolled a d100 yet. Did I? Oh, it's happening. It's happening. Yeah.

We should probably get you to a doc if you feel like you're dying, but I mean, it doesn't look any different than you just having a night out. You said 88. Your knees become fused. Yes! This is a frog story! Go! See the thing. My fucking legs, Griggo! Ha ha ha ha!

Oh no, my legs would be confused. You're all fine, but look at my fucking legs! Oh my god. How am I going to live like this? You're right, I've never seen you skip leg day, you very nice calves, Frosty. My legs are my best aspect, this is a nightmare. What did you get? 83.

Vines and leaves are now growing from your body hair. Oh, yeah, I got this last time, too. Did you? Well, no, no, no. I got it during hypnotism. Yeah, do it. It's appropriate. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Is this what you're seeing? You see this? What? That I'm turning to bone? No. That I'm wasting away in front of you. No, you look fine, but I'm turning into some sort of vine man.

Maybe this is my super pal. You ever read those comic books where they, like, you know, come across some sort of radioactive, you know, mutated animal? Grimmy, you don't have any vines coming out of your body. Look at my fucking legs. What about them? What's wrong? Well, I can't move them, obviously. Look. Look at your arms. You don't have any vines coming out of them. Just spread them, Frosty. Why can't you move your legs? Why are you not...

I'm going to spread them for you. And I try to like whip the vines out of my arms. I try to like wrap around AT-AT style and pull them apart. You see the vines whip out and wrap around Frost's legs. You try to pull them apart. There's nothing coming out of Courtney's arms. Oh my God, they won't come apart. You see what's happening? There's nothing. These are strong vines. Why are you guys doing all that? I'm here dying and you're just flailing about and you're knocking your knees together.

And you're just standing there with your intrinsic value and I'm fucking wasting away. Thank you, Liam. As this happens, can it occur or does it occur to Frost that because they're describing things about themselves that are not true that he's seeing that this could be an illusion? I would say you're probably smart enough to put that together. Without a role.

roll an intelligence check. That's where I'm a fighter. I would say a disadvantage because you are dealing with your knees situation. So you are a little bit distracted. 14. 14, yeah. I would say not necessarily that it's an illusion, but that something has overcome your friends. You firmly believe your knees are fused together. But you think that maybe they're losing it. Who'd say...

It's a

What's the matter with your fucking legs? My knees are locked in, look at this! I'm looking at him, there's nothing fucking wrong. You look down and his legs are clearly spread apart. I'm just... Lucy, do you still love me even though I'm still made of metal?

- I'm sure. - Oh, can you please roll a constitution saving throw at disadvantage for Hootsie? - Oh my God. - Natural one, I can't, yeah, I failed. - D 100 for Hootsie, please. - Okay.

41. She does not have immunity to this. Bootsy believes you're all delicious. Rule for initiative. That would be a nightmare start to this campaign. She believes that, no, that doesn't work because I don't think she'd have any idea what a kleptomaniac is. 92. Sure. Let's see what 92 is. No, not that either. 51.

That's so stupid. We're gonna make a new list. 65. We are gonna make a new list. We'll put it on Patreon. 90. How many? Just chill out. 42. 50. So what was the last one you said? 90. 61, 52. Didn't you say those already? 60.

I mean, zero sex. Sex. You just pick one. She turns into a giant gummy owlbear. Yeah, I'll just pick one for her. Hootsie believes that her teeth and nails fall out. That's a classic. That is a classic. Hootsie believes all of her fur falls off. You know, I can do that. Hootsie can only sing when she hoots. Oh, well.

Gold. Everything, everything Hootsie tastes now tastes like, um, now tastes like blood. She'd probably like that.

Oh, nothing's changed for you, Hootsie. Hootsie's immune! I always knew you were special, Hootsie! No, actually, thank you, Nose. Hootsie believes she's the greatest bard who ever lived. What a classic. Hootsie, you're dancing is very nice, Hootsie. You're such a good dancer, but nice not at all. Why don't you help nudge me? Can you help? I probably weigh so much, but can you pump me up a little bit? Help me, I can't move.

What? Does Hootie do that? Hootie's not mine. She'll do that.

So you're gonna just plunge Faith first into the swamp water as a statue? I think he might actually die. I'll get you with my vines. Nothing happens. He's a very heavy gold statue. You're not doing anything, you're just going, hold on, hold on. I'll attempt to push, I think I could probably push.

- I'll probably push him, roll him over so that he's not drowning. - But your knees are fused. - Oh yeah, yeah, no, no, I'm army crawling over. - It's deeper than that. - Oh, it's deeper than that? - It's deeper than that. You've got water up to your nose as you're trying to push him. Your knees are fused together. You swim forward and you feel a bit of mangrove root and it catches right at your knees. You're caught, you're stuck. You can't move forward anymore.

Cricker, you better roll over. There's nothing preventing you from just rolling over, friend.

I'm sinking. I'm stuck. Rico, I speak telepathically to you. Rico, you hear my voice in your mind and understand that you can move, that you can turn away and not be drowning to death in this moment. My legs are stuck. You have to help me. You have to help me with my fucking legs, Rico. laughter laughter laughter

Frosty, you're right!

I'm made of gober, but I have 16 points of articulation. Yes, Graco. You're doing it, Graco, you're believing. No! Come on, Uchi, give me a hand with Frosty, hey! Uchi's busy, she has taken a few sticks and she's playing the drums on a tree trunk. Oh, I forgot, I thought you were still on the blood thing. I'm sorry. Gosh, you're so, you know,

You know, she's a real natural drummer, you know? She's banging on stuff. Oh, gee, you're the greatest bard that ever lived. Frost, just get up. You think you have it bad. Have you seen so much foliage growing from any organic creature? This is disgusting. You think you have it bad.

I'm dead. You look down at yourself at this point. All of your flesh is completely gone. You are nothing but walking skeleton. I thought there was a villain here, but it turns out it was me. I was the Skellington all along. Give. Look, I understand you have a Skellington inside you, but you are not a Skellington. It's not inside of me anymore, Krammy. The Skellington is it. It's all I got left.

If you were dead, how would you be talking? How would you be experiencing this pleasant conversation? Well, you know, I mean, that's a good point. You can't, um, just bones. If you were just bones, then you wouldn't be strong anymore, right? All your muscles have gone some ways. No, you've got quite some impressive gains, Gideon. Oh, my gosh. If you were a skeleton, could your skeleton puke up

Disgusting shrimp? It's just bone chips. It's all bone chips. No, that's just shrimp. From my bones. Maybe some sausage in there. Oh, boy. Oh, it's happening. It's happening again. I know. We're jacked. We're sorry. You're killing them. You're killing them. You're killing them.

Does anyone have any like, you know, standing in the swamp water? I'm dead. My legs are caught on roots. Vines grown from my skin. Who are you talking to? You, the dungeon master. I'm not there.

You know what, Gideon? Because you're all flesh and bone, I am going to make, I'm gonna turn you to stone. Come on one second, and I'm going to use Lesser Restoration as you see a spectral blue basilisk will emerge and whip around, and I'm gonna attempt to cast Lesser Restoration to cure your puking. Oh.

Oh. No? It's not lesser. It's not greater. It's just restoration. Subscribe now. For only six low payments for $69.99. What does that do? Does that do something? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if it cheers you of your... Intrigue? I feel like we've tried this in the past, and Lesser Restoration is always just like...

Immediately than that. I can't remember what Lesser Restoration does. It's usually like you don't have blindness. Oh, yeah. Oh, one disease or one condition affecting it. Oh, the condition can be blinded, deafened, paralyzed, or poisoned. Well, I still used it. Second level spell slot. If you describe it, if you describe it, it looks like it needs the spell slot. That's a good rule. I like that. Yeah.

Well, that's done nothing for me. I'm still puking, but I just won't make the sound anymore. You're just bones? Is that what you're saying? No, you help me believe I'm still made of gold and quartz, Shani, on my dad. Yes, Griggo, what can you do for me? If you would perhaps start a, uh...

A nation I could back your currency. That doesn't make any sense, Gregor. Oh, cough me up and give me the guru. You need to get me out of... I'm caught. No, who cares about what you're going through? We don't even need to go to the farm. I made a goal. I made a goal. Just cut off my arm. That's probably worth $100,000, right?

100,000 gold pieces worth? It was actually made of gold, but I mean... What do we think? Wait! Kirko starts sawing his arm off. Put it on my leg! We all believe something about ourselves that isn't actually true. Except for me. I know how we can do this. Except for my fucking legs. Look, I know

if you were actually a skeleton you your muscles would have wasted away and you would not be able to punch very well grick up if you actually made a gold you'd be able to take a punch real well you wouldn't feel a thing so gideon you give gricka one full round up punch

Full force. And you'll break his hand. I'm made out of pure metal. Oh, no, this will be a good test. Gold is actually quite soft, Gricko. You'll die instantly. Do you think I know how gold and metal works? I mean, you'll probably just have a Gideon-shaped hole in you. That's fine. No, I'm a solid gold statue. They don't call me Gricko. My shmentor is literally metal Grimm Grimm.

Nothing, okay? Frosty? You've been telling me the word Schmentor for years and I still don't know what it means. So, look, how does that sound? You want me to hit Gricko as hard as I can. As hard as he can, that's right. No, he's good. Hey,

Well, prove it. If he hurts his hand and your skeleton hand bones will crack and disintegrate into dust. I mean, yeah. I don't want to hurt you, okay? I got nothing left. 16 points of articulation. I got about 30 seconds of life. And you four, I'm just being- You seem so- Oh, don't worry, you're going to hurt your face. You're going to hurt your knuckles. Oh.

I mean, he's gonna be dead either way, so we might as well at least test Fraw's theory. No, there's no way! Your knuckles won't survive, Gideon! I don't wanna hurt you! I start biting the vines off my hands as they're growing. You do? What are you doing? They taste like kale. I'm just trying to keep nice and trim, you know what I mean? Try to have some kind of basic hygiene with all these vines.

Well, I could hit him or I could probably just pull his legs apart. I mean, his legs are apart right now. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Are they actually apart? They are, yeah. No, they're locked in place. I'm stuck on this root. There's no hypothesis. You're laying face down in the muck and your legs are just spread around this root. But to you, they're locked around that root. Look at how glued they are. Not glued at all.

What? About as far apart as legs could possibly be, and trust me, I would know.

What?! Oh, on account of the 16 points of articulation. Oh! No, Grigor, that's the 17th point of articulation. Oh, 17. So... So, yeah, we don't want to hurt... Gideon's afraid to punch me, because he'll hurt his hand.

Frost is clearly just cuckoo bananas. If you can do anything about my situation, please. And you're biting the air. No, I'm biting these vines off. And Hooch is doing very nice stylish jig. Oh! Hooch, you have such a good jig. It's very nice. It's very nice. It's quite nice. All right, so we're testing this one out.

You want me to punch him as hard as I possibly can with my skeleton arm? Exactly. My arm's gonna explode into bones. All right, well, look. He's afraid. He's afraid to punch me, see? Okay, well, hey, I'm not afraid. No, I mean, like, if you're afraid, you know. Okay. No, no, no, we don't want you. We understand you're afraid. No, here it comes, okay? Here it comes. I understand you're afraid. We don't want to hurt your head. All right, just don't move. I don't want to miss. Accidentally just take your head right off.

Like that one time. When you're done putting a fist-shaped hole into Gricko, I could use some help with this root that is tangled around my legs.

which are paralyzed. You are quite literally sitting on a stump, your legs in the shape of a Y up in the air. You think you're a skeleton. Which one of us looks like a skeleton and which one of us looks like we're actually wrapped around roots right now? You don't fucking know what you're talking about, Gideon. That's crazy talk. I'll think of it as just cut off me leg at least.

I think probably getting punched is a little bit easier than cutting your whole leg off. But what do I know? I'm throwing up my entire intestines in here. How is that going to...

How is that going to help me pay off my debt to Mr. Guru? No, this will. I'll be trapped in this swamp forever. No, no, 100,000 gold pieces would be way more than a leg. We need to take all of you. Oh, maybe I could be like another statue in the Hungry Catfish. Perhaps I could be... And maybe they would even pay me I could do this.

When kids get close, you can move and scare them. Cremmy, you know what you do with a gold piece to test that it's pure? You bite it, right? Perhaps that's a better test of Gricko's goldenness.

Oh, because Gideon is afraid. We don't want to hurt his hand. Yeah, we don't want to hurt his arm. Gideon seems hesitant. Yeah, he's very hesitant. You're the only person who has legs that work if Gideon's right about his fucking skulls and legs. Why don't you just waddle your biny body over there? I mean, I could. I'll do, like, two steps. Wait, so you want me to bite him? Well, Griggo, if you accept...

I don't want to break his teeth. You're very soft. If anything, it'll be like biting into a jelly donut. I poke Graco. Does he feel any fun? Yeah, he definitely feels fleshy.

I mean, he is pretty soft. Does that mean he's gold? You watch as he pokes you and his finger does not make any purchase on your flesh. Like, he is getting his fingerprint on your beautiful golden surface. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

Kremi, we have to know if these illusions are true and we are only seeing them on ourselves or if they are illusion illusions. Understand? If you bite in and you taste blood, then perhaps all of us are afflicted. If not and you come away with gold, then we have a more serious situation at hand. I mean, I could bite him, but all I'm saying is that'll only prove his situation. Because I'll be a jelly donut. Which

Which is not true and not how gold works for us, do you agree? But if gear was the pawn, Jim...

He already said he's afraid to punch me. Okay, I'll punch him. We need to move very quickly. I'll punch him in the body. I don't want to punch him. I'll punch him. I'm not even going to make you roll to hit. You do just hit, so roll damage. No, you don't want to hit. It's a D8. I activate my fire rune. I'm a freak!

- Uh, 10 points of damage. - Roll to see if you grip.

- You can't crit. - No. - No, you might. - Oh, we can see the skeleton. - It was almost, it was almost the same. - Because he hits automatically, I wasn't gonna let him crit. So you do take 10 points of damage, but you don't feel like you've taken any damage at all, Gricko. You were like, I'm gold. And you watch as

what you think is Gideon's hand breaking as it comes into contact with you. Gideon, as you punch into him, you watch as the bones in your hand completely splinter. It ricochets up your arm and your entire arm completely falls off. So... Oh yeah, Gideon! Gideon! See, I told you!

You are currently coughing up blood. You are. But you do look at him and he is very clearly battered and bruised. He's missing a couple of teeth. I'm missing a fucking arm because like I said, I'm a goddamn skeleton. No, I don't feel that. My arm's missing. You're just poking it. And you don't feel anything. There's no arm there.

There's no arm here. Frost, I told you, I warned you, Gideon. There's no fixing this. It's very obvious that the things that are afflicting us are real. And what's important is...

And what's most important is that we can't see it in one another. I see a wounded Gricko and a very strong Gideon. Do you see the same? I do see the same. And yet, they are clearly skeleton and gold. Well, fuck you, Gricko. I didn't want to hurt you, Gideon. Your lip is really swollen.

I didn't want to hurt you either, Greco. That's right up until I punched you. There's no way I'd hurt you a little bit right in that moment. I had to do it to you. It's all real, Kremi. You don't understand. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt your hand. That's the answer, Frost. It's real. Yes. And we all just need to deal with this new reality and move on.

Gideon, I know you're a skeleton with one arm, but you can probably still carry Frost with your one skeleton arm. You feeling up to that? Easily, easily. All right. So pick him up. I'm medium. Gricko, I feel like I could carry you...

I'm too heavy. I grab Mirama the waist and I think, oh. Yeah, he weighs like 30 pounds. Oh, cool. I didn't know you were so strong. I didn't know you were so strong. All right, who should come out? I reach down with one arm and pick it up. Oh,

Frosty, your dancing is so nice! It's so nice! We're losing daylight, let's just keep, we just gotta soldier on. We just gotta, hopefully someone at the carnival can fix this. Marticulation! I'll give you everything I got left just when I die in this swamp. Don't let 'em know what happened on Bearpaw Mountain. Uzi, let's go. ♪ Sand in the clouds ♪ That's exactly what happened.

Whatever you're doing, come on, just follow us. Sing and follow.

And with that, Kremi picks up Gricko and Gideon picks up Frost and you begin to move through the swamp. It takes about 10 minutes or so of struggle before you finally find a place where you can step out of the muck. And upon getting out of the muck, you feel a shift in yourself. Gricko, you're not gold, but you are pretty fucked up. That was a really strong pun. Kremi...

You don't have vines coming out of you? That's ridiculous. Gideon, you are incredibly hungry. You have puked up everything that was in your stomach for days. God, I'm so hungry. But your arm's back and you're not a skeleton anymore. And Frost, your legs actually are fused at the knee. How you're going to deal with it, who knows? I'm going to have to do this for the rest of the campaign. I'm just kidding. They're not. Oh, oh, oh. They release. Fucking legs. What?

Well, your shoulder is surprisingly comfortable, Gideon. Wow, I'm sorry I threw up on you so much. But the good news is that none of it was intestine. Yes, it was mostly bile, it seems. Yeah, so... And shrimp. And shrimp. Some eggs from breakfast. And then a little bit of pumpkin pie. By the time he was throwing up on me, he'd already emptied his bowels. Mm-hmm.

Stomach bowels. That wasn't part of the RP, bro. I don't know why he pooped himself also, but it happened. Because when you die, you shit yourself. I've heard of swamp gas, but who? I've been picking with Ogweb, want to sell that stuff. Good hit, Gideon. Oh. Oh.

I'm glad I didn't break your arm. Oh, yeah. Me too. Oh, this is persistent. Yeah, he was getting punched in the face. Yeah. I'm sorry about that. I really thought Swamp kind of really got away from us back there. Yeah, no, I mean, I thought I was gold.

Do you need a... That's ridiculous. You think his nose is broken? You gotta do the trick.

I feel like my face you wanna fuck with your friends take two thumbs put it on the back of your teeth and then

like this, but hide it with your hands and move it back and forth. - Oh, God. - That was awful. - And with that, you lament about what you've just been through, but you continue to make your way through the swamp. And you begin to notice

The mangrove trees, as you look around, are not mangrove trees anymore. They're cypress trees. And you see one of your familiar, one of your familiar, what's the word? Why can't I think of it?

- Landmarks. You see one of the familiar landmarks that you were looking for. And you realize that you have traveled for about a day. You are definitely getting tired, but you're back in the swamp and you're exactly where you should have been given the amount that you've traveled. You look behind you and there are no mangrove trees to be seen. It is all cypress. Cypress all the way down. - Oh, that's weird. - What's that? - Well, I mean, look.

That's not where we came from, that's the direction we came from. What in the hell? Give it to me straight, guys. How do I look? You just rub some dirt in there, you'll be fine. I mean, you've probably looked worse over the years I've known you.

You could probably use medical attention. Get a banana. What? You'll see as a spectral gorallon will appear and it'll hand me a bunch of bananas. Thank you. As I cast Goodberry. Goodbanana is a good banana. I love Goodbanana. It's Goodbanana. Yeah, it's Goodbanana.

Just one hit point. You know, you opened it upside down.

- Now he's eating it with the Rhindog. - Oh, come on, keep on my own. Oh, there it is, bananas. That's a lot of bananas. Just one of those makes you full for a day. - I like bananas. - Can we have just one banana? The three of us, can we have three bananas?

Oh, yeah, I'm quite hungry. I could use a banana. I'm going to take two bananas. Unless that'll kill you. It's good potassium. Now remember, open it from the bottom. I'm going to say no to that face. OMG, here you go. Here's two bananas from the bottom. Wait, so not with the little stick piece? No, no, no. You want to open it. The stick is a handle. See? Oh, my God. How does everyone do this wrong? After distributing that...

Uh oh, it's only three bananas left. There it is again, three bananas. That's pretty good. Oh, thank you. Yeah, don't fucking resist the great Guralan spirit, whose name I will tell you probably next session. Thank you. Yes.

Pretty good, though. Sort of like supernatural bananas. That tastes great. The side of your face is turning from purple back to green. Yeah, no. My jaw's real long a little bit. The swelling's going down. I feel like, you know, it's not so bad for it points. Ha ha ha!

- There we go, I feel like I've eaten for four days, Ruff. - He's still missing his two front teeth. - I gotta go back, I'm a goblin. No popsicles for a while. - Oh, I could really use a popsicle anywhere. Anyways. - We continue, let's go. - You marched for a full day. - Oh, nevermind, I'm tired. I mean, how y'all feeling?

Well, I'm getting concerned. We don't have a map, and the swamp seems endless. Is there a chance that we could miss the carnival and lose out on millions of gold and all of the magical items that were promised to us? I mean, he wasn't real specific. Trust me, when we get close enough, there's going to be no way that we're going to miss it. We're going to see it from miles through the swamp.

I can't believe I forgot. Yes, you would be able to tell us if we're getting close based on music. Yeah, there's lights and there's music and there's all sorts of, you know, goings-on, you know? Yes. Games. Like the carnivals that we ran. Well, yes. It's like way nicer, you know? I mean, I'll say we did a really great operation. So you set up camp and you go to sleep? We do. LAUGHTER

Do we enjoy long runs?

Fucking 10. Sorry, I don't make followers in this world. He said, we gotta go to sleep. We speedrun sleep. We speedrun sleep. We speedrun sleep. We speedrun sleep. We speedrun sleep.

Oh,

We're never going to get through this campaign! This is not going to happen! No, no, all you needed to do was write two sentences. That's the next 45 episodes. But the problem is there's a fucking book to get through! Campaign medulla! I was like, you know, we can have one session before they get to the carnival, or ten, I guess that's fine. Yeah, we can just go.

So you do. You find a nice place and you set up camp and you wouldn't. Oh. Fucking laid on D&D Beyond. Nothing happened to you anyway. I don't know. My legs are a little sore. No, they're not. They were never pieced together. I have the memory of it. I wasn't tensing my muscles in reality at least a little. Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. I don't care. Anyway. My fucking glutes. That was quite a workout. Shut up. I love you, dear. You set up your camp. Do you do a watch?

Is that something that your group would do? We would have had a system that we would do, having traveled for years. Yeah, and given that we're in the swamp and what just happened, we would do our normal watch schedule. Which is? That would be meaningfully important. I would probably take the last watch so that I would probably get a head start on Reckless, getting that cooked up. Okay. And I would take the first watch. I'd want to stay up and enjoy the quietness

before having a full night's rest and enjoying breakfast to wake up to. - And then it'd be Graco, 'cause I think Graco would get pissed off being mooked enough by Graco. So he prefers the Indian one. - All right, so that's that. - Yeah. - Frost, Graco, Indian, Graco. - That seems right, yeah. - You set up your watch, you make your camp, you're in the familiar cypress trees of the swamp,

And you know that you have about a day's journey ahead of you before you get to where you imagine that the carnival is. And you set up your tents, you make your dinner around the fire, you talk about your day and that even though right now you have less than you had hoped, that if this all works out, you will be millionaires. You can pay Remy Gourou back

and some if you want to get in his good graces, and you would still have so much gold that you are set for life and three unread letters in someone's pack. And you decide to go to bed. Frost, I need you to roll a perception check for me, please. - That's where I'm a viking. - The night is quiet. The birds are chirping. The bats are flying. The cicadas are doing cicada things.

Seven. Okay. You will be rolling at disadvantage because you did not perceive initially. Rolling, because I rolled a natural seven, or a dirty seven. Yeah, no, that's fine. I'm just saying for what is about to happen.

Oh, I see. Yeah, there will be more rolls and you'll be rolling at disadvantage because you did not make the perception check. As soon as everyone goes to sleep, I'm distracted by my own thoughts. You are, you're thinking, your glutes hurt from how long your knees were fused together and you're still not sure, did that actually happen? Well, it definitely happened to you, but...

Was Gricko really gold and you just didn't see it? Was that what had happened? That you were not able to perceive his condition the way they weren't able to perceive yours? Or were you the only one that was truly affected? What is the situation that happened there? When all of a sudden you hear a voice behind you in the forest. Look at me. Look at me. I look at the ground. Who's there?

Speak up. Look at me. I want to suck the marrow from your bone. Look at me.

I'm going to try to scan up to the roots of the trees around me and stay below the horizon in how I scan the 360 degree perimeter of our camp. - So are you trying to look at it or are you just trying to look at the perimeter? - I am trying to look and if I were going to see something, I imagine it would be above the horizon line. I'm looking for feet or some sign of something, but I'm avoiding eyes.

Roll a perception check. I guess it would be investigation because you're intentionally looking for it. A disadvantage. Perception? 14. You scan around at the bottom and you see absolutely nothing. Who are you? Look at me. Name yourself. Why should I look at you? I want to rip the flesh from your bones. Griggo?

I'm gonna try to get as close as I can to Gregor's bedroll and see if I can wake him as I'm looking away and down. I would say you're easily able to wake him. Gregor! I'm gonna grab my totems, like some of my totems instinctively. Danger for Gregor. Oh, danger. Yes, there's a voice speaking to me. It wants to rip the flesh from my bones and potentially endanger the rest of the camp. We...

Have to be on high alert. Look out. Look at me. Don't look into the eyes of this creature. Keep your eyes low. Don't listen to him, Graco. Do I hear that? Mm-hmm. It's really spooky. And roll a perception check. Man, I'm not rolling great. Perception, you said? Mm-hmm. That'll be an 11. You will be rolling at disadvantage if rolls are required going forward. Oh. Oh.

Uh... why? I'm gonna start to scoot, uh, making a move. I want to eat your intestines like soup. Oh. I mean, are you a monster? I know a lot of monsters like to eat intestines like soup, but did you... Look at me, Greco. Are you misunderstood?

So, you know, I would normally say, oh, sure, look at you. You've asked so nicely, but seeing how there's creatures like the basilisk, where you can just look at them and you turn to stone, I don't want some horrible curse to befall me, in case you are a sentient creature of some similar properties. Good job, Graco. I applaud your effort. Oh!

- Thank you, Frosty. - And I am trying to wake Gideon. - I will say that's easily enough to wake up at least Cremie. Gideon's snoring very loudly. - Keep it down, will ya? - Cremie, wake up. There's danger, danger, Cremie. - Cremie. - Oh fuck, get up. - Look at me. - I'm gonna take my whistle and blow as hard as I can as I wake up Hootsie and attempt to wake up Gideon. - What the hell's going on around here? I can't get 20 minutes of sleep.

Look at me. Don't look at his spooky voice, Hootie. Keep your eyes down. Stay with me. Stay with your papa. Who is that? Are you looking? Well, he just told me not. I'm sort of looking at the ground. Okay. Roll a perception check for me. Nine. Okay. You will be at disadvantage if rolls are required going forward. Looking at the ground, you see nothing. Gideon. What? Look at me. Oh. What? Why? Who are you?

I'm going to rip the flesh from your b-- Look at me! Rip the flesh right off my fist when I put it in your mouth? What the hell's going on around here? Gideon, there's a voice and we're not sure what it means, but it seems like it's hungry and we don't want to look at it in the eyes, do you understand? Yeah, I think so. Well, either keep your eyes closed or keep them to the ground. Hootsie, you do the same. Oh.

And you continue to hear the voice as it seems as almost as if it's circling you and you keep hearing it threat, threatening you talking about feasting on your flesh, slurping, slurping your brain out of your skull, chewing on your eyeballs, things of that nature. And all the while calling for you to look, look at it. We need a breath.

And you... Are you looking at it? Looking for it? I'm listening to Frosty. I'll keep my eyes down. Yeah, he's not... Roll a perception check. Pretty good. 21. First one to pass. You...

You keep your eyes down, but you look around. You hear, look at me, look at me, look at me, as it moves quickly. And you follow the line of the trees with your eyes, and you realize that there is a movement that's happening, but it is incorporeal. Whatever's there doesn't have form. And you don't look up to look at it directly, but you realize that there is no...

No form there. As you start to look up, you begin to see that as you get closer to where this thing exists, it starts to, a form starts to create. And as you look down, it once again becomes incorporeal. And I would say with that role, you realize that as long as you don't look at this thing, it cannot create, it cannot create form.

Hey, I don't know if anybody's noticed, but it's kind of whooshing around. It's not making any noise, though. I think it's kind of some big dumb ghost. I'm struggling to keep track of it. Where is it? Do you see it? Yeah, it's right over there, but it just won't take form unless you're looking directly at it. Thanks.

- Oh, I think. - And you hear a loud, as you say these words, you hear a loud screech, almost like a screech of pain, of anger, and then all of a sudden, bits of the trees in the area, ripped out by their roots, by this incorporeal thing, as it rushes off into the forest, realizing that it is not going to get you to listen to its demands. - Yeah, you take that, you big dumb ghost baby.

- Idiot. - I didn't think that was a ghost. - You did well. - Roll an intelligence check for me. - What was that? Crummy, is this something that happens around our way in the Whippoorwallow Swamp? - No, I mean, none of this makes sense. - And as you look around, Crummy, I would say roll another perception check. - Oh, nine.

That's better. That sounds like maybe something you've read about or you know something about, but you can't quite put your finger on it. 17. Very tired. You look around and you see that though you are in a grove of cypress trees, that the trees right outside of where your camp is are all mangrove trees. Oh, fuck. Look around. We're back in that cuckoo banana swamp.

No offense to your growling friend. Very helpful bananas. They taste quite nice. Pretty good. Do we keep moving? I don't want to camp here. What the hell is going on? This doesn't happen in Agwe. Not as long as we've been here. No, it doesn't. And that's why I'm... God, it has to do with the carnival. I mean, there's no other way. Maybe something is... Because it's in town, something's going on with the surrounding swamp.

- Anything used to happen when you were there, Grigore? Let me think if it's some horrible undead apparitions. - I would say what you would remember from the few days that you worked there, 'cause it wasn't long. - Yeah, no, it wasn't enough for eight days. - Is that you were told by many of the other Witchlight Hands that the veil around the carnival between the Material Plane and the Feywild was very thin, and that there were unseelie fey that

like to make their way into the surrounding area, and they would warn you against leaving the carnival at all costs. And so you would know that. Guys, I think we're getting close. There's some, I think that was an unseemly fae.

What? An unseemly fae. What do you mean? Yeah, an unseemly fae. They said, they told us at orientation after they gave us, um... The lunch was okay. It was cold spaghetti. It was not after lunch. It was okay, it was fine. Cold spaghetti sounds pretty good. A glass of orange juice and a piece of bread with butter on it. Oh!

That'd be very nice. I need the hell out of that. No, we're getting close. We're close. It's the veil between the Feywild, which is, I believe, where little Hoochie the Coochie came from. It's Finn. That's how it travels in and out. And so that was an unseemly fae, they mentioned. They are not nice. They didn't like them because they're very unseemly.

Well, if we're going to make our way into the Feywild Prismir, Finn is what we're looking for. So we're getting close. Such a good thing. Are you saying we're in the Feywild right now?

Is that what that means? I think what Griggo is saying is that things are bleeding through from the Feywild. Maybe that is. This is a sign. Yeah. So like these trees are from the Feywild, but not that we're in the Feywild. As the veil is thin here, and so I guess those trees are Feywild trees, and those trees which you're used to are non-Feywild trees. See? And so that means that we're getting closer. And the more spooky stuff that happens, I guess, but we gotta keep out.

They're very tricksy. They're not very nice. Not very seemly, obviously. It's in the name. As long as they have no more of that swamp gas, I think that we'll be safe. Yeah, well, what are you thinking? We're good to...

Fall asleep? I mean, we don't have a choice. I'm so tired. You immediately hear the sounds of music pierce the air. And as you look up towards the sky, you see a cloud of light off in the distance, maybe a mile off in the distance. Beautiful, shining, sparkling lights, fireworks going off in the night sky.

This is not possible for you to be this close to the carnival, but as you look through the mix of cypress and mangrove trees, there it is on the horizon very clearly. The Witchlight Carnival is but a mere mile away. What's the clue to them? What in the hell? That's it! That just show up. 10, 20 minutes, we'll be there. It's just right there. All right, well...

I guess no time like the present. I can smell the funnel cake and animal cages. Wow. Do I smell any of that? No. You're a mile away.

It's more of a metaphorical, I've been there before, so memory, memory, memory is coming back. Oh, I see, I'm sorry. I thought you meant you could literally spell it. Oh no, I was trying to, I'm not gonna, I shouldn't say it. I'm gonna say it. So he said funnel cake, and I'm like, what would they call it? Fainal cake? Oh, fainal cake. I love fainal cake.

Oh, man. I love fainal. Fainal. I mean, when I hear fainal, I just want to chow down. Yeah, I just want to spread my powdered sugar on it. Get a little bit of that jam. Yeah.

You know, never mind. You know, Gid... I feel like Funnel Cake from Feywild would be the opposite of fun. So it'd be like boring-al or something. Like...

Oh, like Pain-O-Cake. Oh, no, no, no. It right to sell. That's worse. Spread my powdered sugar over the Pain-O-Cake. Would you like some? Anyway. So anyway, that's what you see. What do you do? Yeah, Kremi. Why couldn't we figure out fireworks like that?

We couldn't even figure out paying people. You want fireworks? I don't know. You're basically 40% fire. Well, that's a fair point. I guess just you shooting fire in the air isn't really quite the same thing. Let's just walk up and see if we can buy a ticket. We already have tickets. We have tickets.

Yeah, but we have to see if we can find one. Let's just walk up and find the ticket booth. Something intelligent. Something intelligent about Char. Yeah.

Something intelligent about the green matter in my brain. My skull. Well, I know we're tired, but we're here ahead of schedule. I mean, I'd rather. It looks like it's safer in there than it is out here. It's a lot more seemingly in there than it is out here. Well, let me get dressed first.

And I start to like, I'll go get my jacket and my pants and I'll suppress the agitation and everything so that I'm cleaned up and I'll tie my bow tie on. Well, we all need to eat just like Uncle Frosty says. Hootsie, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Thank you. So let's all eat breakfast and do our stretches before we make our way into the swamp. Do we have any food? It's like two in the morning. So, I slept.

I mean, he was first watched. He slept for what, like an hour? 30 minutes. 30 minutes? I mean, I feel like I wouldn't just leave, so I feel like I could still taste the banana. Actually, all of you feel like you were very rested and you have enjoyed a long rest. I don't know that. I mean...

I mean, that's unrested. I would say it almost feels like you've enjoyed two days worth of rest. Oh, I feel very restful. It was actually quite a nice nightmare swamp full of unseemly times. Thanks, unseemly swamp. See you next time. All right, well, to the carnival. Well, I'm sorry if I only read you one bedtime story, Hootsie, instead of two. Oh, Hootsie's dead. Oh!

She has bursts. Oh my god.

It's actually been 10 years and you're much better. How are you feeling, Lucy, about going back on no debt? I didn't really consult you because we're the adults. But you're going to be okay, right? Because you're with Papa and Uncle Frosty and Uncle Crummy and Uncle Gideon. You're okay? You're good? Is everything going to be okay? If you need any time, you tug on my sleeve because I'm much taller than you are. Does she need some kind of like disguise or anything, you know? Oh!

Like the vest and whatever hat she has going on is enough. Well, they changed management, didn't they? It's been eight years. You imagine no one's going to recognize her. Look how big she is. She's gigantic. They're not going to recognize her. That's ridiculous. She's huge. And with that, you pack up your tents. You do. You put out your fire and you begin to make your way towards the carnival. You march that way.

30-ish minutes that it takes to walk and you are coming up on the carnival, you can hear laughter, you can hear the sounds of children screaming, but joyfully. Like on a ride and shit. It definitely seems like it is a place of joy. The smells and the sounds of the carnival are overwhelming.

As a sound pierces the happiness back a little ways behind you, the way that you just came, you hear the sound of a feminine voice screaming as if in the most pain. Oh, like behind us? Yes. I'll turn immediately and see what the hubbub is about.

You can hear the screaming. Oh, we can't see the origin of the screaming? It's off in like a thicket. You would have walked past the, sorry, sorry, Mike. Not that Mike, this Mike. Think about it as if you'd walked past and then an area off to the side, there was someone in there and they begin to scream. Oh, Gritko, keep it down, man. It's from this thicket here. Join me, Gideon. Help this person. Oh, this feels like a trick.

Yeah, I don't know. It could be unseemly fate. Wait, are you okay? I don't want to scream really loud. Are the manifold trees still around? All the trees are a mix of mangrove and cypress. Oh, so I think it's like Rick has said. Well, maybe keep your eyes down, but if you want to check it out, we'll back you up. You can't just keep your...

your eyes down when someone's screaming for help? That's how... I'm gonna run. - No. - It does not, it takes you maybe two minutes to make your way through the thicket until you find yourself in a small area where the foliage has been matted down and you immediately, you are keeping your eyes down, your recent experience with an unseelie fey being what it is.

And you immediately see that the green foliage is laced with fresh blood. And as you trail your eyes along the ground, you see laying in the middle of this area is what appears to be a fairy.

female fairy. Her skin is looking sallow. She's sweating profusely. And she is crying. At this point, she's no longer screaming. She's sobbing into her hands. Her breath is coming in shallow. And as you look at her, you realize that her wings have been cut from her back.

Do I recognize her from our interaction with Madrick? She's a fairy, not a pixie. Oh, my apologies. So she's about two feet tall. My sincere apologies, yes. Two to three feet tall. And her wings have been severed from her. Oh.

from her back and you can see that the blood that is spilling out of them is coating the ground around her and she's sobbing profusely into her hands. I will run up and excuse me miss I'm sorry I see that you're in great pain I see that you're hurting. My wings!

My wings! He took my wings! You're gonna be alright. He took them! I know, I know, I know. We'll get this sorted, but first we need to solve this problem. I know, it feels so good. I know, I know you are. We need healing, we need healing. Enjoy this pleasant drumming as a huge growl. You're gonna hear this tribal drumming as a huge blue growl and spear is gonna appear above me as I'm going to use my...

my star form, but my primal spirit form, and I'm going to cast Cure Wounds, and it'll be a similar soothing tune. - Can you fix them, my wings? My wings, can you fix them? - Not immediately, however, you're gonna be all right. You're gonna be all right. - Roll a medicine check. - So with my Guralan form, I do 1d8 plus five to her, and

Okay. And additional? Because it's basically every time I heal, it's additional healing. 21. Okay. That's pretty good. Cure wounds, so it's 11 plus 6, 17 points of healing. Okay.

You get down on your knees and you hold her tiny head in your hands. And she's looking up at you. You can see her eyes are bloodshot. You can see the veins throbbing in her neck. Her skin is very, very pale. Um.

And she is, she had been sweating profusely, but now her skin is just clammy. As she looks up at you, you can see the, clearly what would be arteries that had run through her wings. And you can tell immediately that she is not going to survive. - What is your name? - Lexi. - That's a beautiful name, Lexi. - Lexipods. - Who did this to you? How can we help?

I can't speak his name. You're going to be all right, but we need to know who his name is in order to help you. He's going to Brasmear. He's going to wake her. I know it. I know he is. I shouldn't have tried to warn them. I shouldn't have. He took my wings. It's all right. Am I going to be okay? You're going to be fine. Look at this lovely, charming girl. I feel so good. I feel really dizzy.

You're going to be just fine. You're with the spirits. Do fairy wings roll back? Yes. I'm really tired. Yes, it's all right to sleep, but we need to know his name before we can heal you. He'll know I told you. Hear me. If you want to feel better, you have to tell us. I can't tell you. I can't. He's fucked up. I'm sorry. He's gone. You can get there through the carnival, but you shouldn't. Don't do it.

If he finds you. Is he gonna wake? Fuck, what's his name? Is he gonna wake Sibylna? You're already in too deep. I shouldn't have said anything. You're hurting. You need medical attention. Can you grow my wings back? Can you grow them back? Soon. Okay, yeah. Soon. I just need to sleep. And then...

And then I'll figure out how to... Maybe we can make a pact. And if we make a pact, and I promise I'll tell you, then that could override the pact that I made so that I... And then I can tell you his name. Yeah. I'll just... I'll sleep a little. And then... And then... When I wake up in the morning...

Then I can tell you. And you can see your wings are starting to grow back as I'm going to, the spectral form of a hippogriff is going to kind of swirl around her and I'm going to attempt to guide it so that the wings are kind of where her wings are. See, beautiful, feathery wings. All right, they'll grow back. They'll grow back. See, it's already starting to work, little one. I'll try and help you in the morning.

Can I... She looks up at you and she kind of nuzzles her cold face into your hands. Can I sleep here? Nice and warm. Just for a little bit. You can stay here all night. Her eyes slowly flutter and you watch as her chest rises and falls. And then stops. I'll take my hat off. Me too. What the fuck was that? It's too early in the day for that. I think it's too late in the evening. I don't know.

My power didn't work. As the growling all kind of shimmer back into the totems that I keep on my person. Oh no, how did it work? I don't know. I'm new to this. Maybe I wasn't strong enough. Maybe I didn't do it right. Why would somebody even do this? I don't understand. Aren't we looking for an archfey? Why do this to this poor girl?

Look away, Hootsy. It's gonna be okay. Me and your uncles are gonna talk about this and we're gonna make sure that she's okay, Hootsy. Okay? Did you see the nature of her wounds, Frost? As you can see, she has had her wings plucked. I think she lost most of her life essence from this injury.

Is there anything magical about the wounds that would, I would think would like prevent healing or anything like that? I would say looking at them, you can, I won't make you roll an arcana for it. Looking at it, you can tell that they were severed in a way where there's a clear magical essence that seems to be preventing the blood from clotting. So I just delete it basically. Yeah, this, it looks like whatever did this, they left it to die. And that was the intention. Oh fuck.

Kind of some political shit that we're getting mixed up in. Do you think it was an unseemly Fae? Do you think that was the thing that was trying to get us to look at it? Could have been. Oh no. All she said was he and she couldn't say his name. And she did mention she was under some kind of Fae pact that prevented her from giving up the name. I think Frost would have been inside. Yeah. So, oh boy, I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Not one bit. I don't know what's worse.

throwing the guru empty-handed or getting mixed up on fake politics? You're the only one who can answer that, Grummy. We don't know Mr. Guru. Probably the fake politics. Oh gods. Alright, what should we do with her? Should we bring her to Carnival?

As you hold her in your arms, you begin to watch as her body begins to decay at a rapid rate. And you begin to see toadstools popping up in random parts of her body as the earth of the Feywild begins to claim her.

And you quickly see that around you, a ring of toadstools begins to form. What is commonly known to you as a fairy ring. And that's where the center of the perimeter of that ring? You are in the center of it, yes. Lexi. Lexi. Lexi Potts, I think that's... Lexi Potts. Is that her name was? No. Rest in peace, Lexi. That's a bummer. Her wings aren't here? It sounds like...

Whoever did this. Roll an investigation check. Say what? Says, like, whoever did this is heading to the same place we are. And took a wings for some reason. Me? Gricko. Am I? Okay. Would I think to use guidance on myself? Sure. Okay. I will channel the last bit of the Guralan spirit. Oh.

I don't need it. Yeah, shit. Investigation. The DC's 10. I don't think I'm going to hit. Hold on. Yeah, a good D4 roll, you'll be all right. No, it's a three. Oh, that's not. I thought it was an eight. That's crazy. I can't succeed. D4. No, yeah. The max I can get is seven. Oh, how do we twist it?

- You could. - You twist it. - Yeah, let's twist it. - Let's twist it. - You have a couple of twists. - I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna take the twist. We have six twists. It's meant to be. I got a two. - Yeah, looking around you, you see nothing. - Well, Lexie Potts, we didn't know you very much. I'm sure you would have been found, would have locked Hootsy. Hootsy would have locked you. But we are heading in a direction

of that strange man what took your wings, until at the very least we will find that man and we will find your wings. All right. Well, let's go get cheered up at the carnival, fellas. Keep your eyes open, your ears open for any mention of Lexi. I'm not going to bring her up myself unless I think I'm talking to someone who really knows her. You understand?

I have a sense of what's going on. It's just a hunch, but I mean if they have factions or they have, you know, she's probably working for someone that's sleeping. Maybe that's where Zabillna is. Maybe she's asleep. And maybe she's trying to protect Zabillna and someone wants to wake her up and for whatever reason she doesn't want to be woken up. Either way, our job is to find Zabillna. So I just hope we don't have to wake her up ourselves.

We may very well need to earn those millions, if you understand my meaning. And with that, you solemnly make your way towards the carnival.

You retrace your steps back to the path and you continue to make your way along. This time, when you get to the outskirts, it's not with that same sense of excitement and joy. There is a somberness about this, given what you've just seen, what you've just witnessed on the outskirts of this carnival. But you have made it here.

and you walk along the gate, you can hear the sounds of children laughing. You can hear the rides creaking. It sounds like the level of joy inside this place is much needed at this point. As you round a corner and you see the large sign

illuminated the Witchlight Carnival and off to the right or off to the left side is a ticket booth that is fully illuminated as well and sitting on a stool looking straight at you it's a goblin as he looks out and says welcome to the Witchlight Carnival come and get your tickets if you don't already have them and let's have a grand old time and that is where we'll end the session I give it up

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